#(I really like researching weird niche stuff)

[sideblogforweirdshit]

Whump Reference Post for Fingernail Removal Torture

 Hi whump writers of Tumblr! I recently made a little introduction post in which I said I’d be making reference posts. This is one I already had typed up, because for some reason this was the first thing I thought of.

There are no images attached, but I’m putting the rest of the post under a readmore since the majority of the content is semi-graphic written description of the how-to’s and wherefore’s and such of fingernail removal torture.

To be clear: I will be going into as much depth as I possibly can without using images. The content of this post will be purely academic. There will be no artistic liberties taken. This post is meant to be as accurate to (and descriptive of) a real-life situation as possible.

I hope some part of this post eventually winds up being a helpful resource for someone!

1) Not as painful as it’s made out to be

-It's painful, but definitely not to the extent it’s shown in movies or whatnot. A lot of the "pain" comes from the shock factor of seeing your body without something it’s always had, as well as the inherent "wrongness" that comes with experiencing a part of your body being removed.

2) There is very very thin film of skin between the fingernail and the finger.

-If one is careful in removing the fingernail by peeling it back slowly, one can preserve this thin piece of skin. -If one pulls the fingernail back quickly and without taking care, this thin film will rip, and the nail will pull away with bits of flesh attached.

3) The flesh under the nail will be vertically striated.

-If one uses the peel-back method, and is careful to not let the thin film of skin between the nail and the flesh rip, the skin/flesh underneath the nail will be as visibly striated as the fingernail itself. If you look closely at your fingernail right now, you’ll see that there are many tiny grooves from the tip of your nail to the base. This is true for all human fingernails. If the nail is peeled back with sufficient care, those striations will be echoed on the skin underneath the nail.

4) The  “peel entirely off” method versus the  "peel back and then stop" method versus the "pull out entirely" method.

-The “peel entirely off” method is how I will refer to the method of grasping firmly the tip of the fingernail in some sort of vice (usually pliers) and then peeling it backwards, moving the pliers from the nail at the tip of the finger towards the hand itself. Using this method, the nail will remain firmly grasped in the pliers the entire time. The movement of the pliers only stops when the base of the nail is ripped entirely out of the finger. This will necessarily result in ripping out a fair bit of skin past the cuticles, as the technical base of the nail (aka “nail matrix”) is generally around half a centimeter hand-wards past the cuticles (and follows the curve of the nail, so is deeper than the cuticles as well). Due to the nature of skin, I would expect a tear reminiscent of an extremely deep hangnail that goes from the base of the cuticles to at least halfway between the first and second knuckle (and at most goes to the second knuckle). In this case, it is not guaranteed that the nail will grow back. There is a chance it’ll come back, but there is also a chance that the nail matrix is permanently damaged and will not be able to grow a new nail. Since every human is different, there’s not an exact science to determining where a person’s nail matrix is before it’s ripped out. A (very) general rule of thumb is to follow the curve of the existing fingernail, and draw a point on that curve before it hits bone. Obviously, this is extremely subjective.

-The “peel back and then stop” method is how I will refer to what is essentially the previous method, but one stops before the nail-ripping goes past the cuticle and snips off the peeled part, leaving a milimeter or so of fingernail existing on the nailbed. In this case, it is assured that the nail matrix is undisturbed, and the fingernail will grow back. This is the method I will assume is taken for the future steps

-The “pull out entirely” method is how I will refer to the situation where one grasps the protruding part of the nail firmly, and applies force away from the hand and in the direction the finger points. In this case, there’s a large chance that the nail will rip. This depends largely on the care taken with the pulling object (pliers, usually) to grab the nail exactly parallel with the sides of the pliers. If any part of the pliers digs into the nail at a singular location, this will create a point at which pressure will build up, and the nail will likely rip at this location. The strength of the individual’s nails also affects the ripping. The individual’s nail strength can vary based on nourishment as well as on a general person-to-person basis. Personally, I do not recommend this method.

-If one wants to make the removal definitely permanent, there’s the possibility of peeling it back all the way down and out, and then chemically burning where one assumes the nail matrix is. (Some serious irl hikers do this to their toenails on purpose, to reduce the chances of getting ingrown toenails from being laced into hiking boots for days on end.) Removing the nail permanently will obviously reduce the opportunity to peel it off again, but will give a permanent Horrific Aspect to the victim.

5) For the first three days, the exposed flesh will be painful.

-The entire tip of the finger will be a constant deep and throbbing pain. Any deviation from this norm will be an increase in pain, never a decrease (save medication or an ice-bath-for-full-minutes immersion to the point of numbness).

-Any contact with the exposed nailbed will increase the pain. Knocking the exposed flesh against anything, even extremely gently, will result in a visible bright red welt under the thin layer of skin (bright red on light skin only! on darker skin, the welt will still be visible, but will show as a dark red-brown). It is a visual similar to an extremely tiny, non-protruding blood blister. Knocking the nailbed against something less gently will result in fully scraping off that delicate outer layer of skin.

-Using the finger for anything will be painful (though not unbearably so), and it may even be painful to bend the finger at all.

-Any moisture on the exposed flesh (including anything from regular water to antibiotic ointment) will hurt a lot. This will intensify the throbbing at least twofold across the entire nailbed, and will also result in an amount of stinging as if one had just realized one had been stung by a bee.

6) For treatment and healing thereof (if quick healing is desired)

For those first three days, any bandaid application is inadvisable -The exposed flesh will be so tender and vulnerable that any bandaid (even the non-stick kind) will stick to the exposed flesh and rip it upon removal. I can only assume this is in part due to the curvature of the finger, which means that any wrapping-around type bandaid will inherently put pressure on the nailbed, resulting in sticking.

-To promote healing, the first three days should be without any sort of covering on the wound.

After the first three days, a scab will form. -At this point, the pain will be much less. it might be uncomfortable to bump the nailbed into objects, but it will not be the same pain as in the first three days.

-The wound will also be much less sensitive to moisture.

-When the scab starts to crack (usually a vertical crack), one should apply antibiotic ointment and a bandaid. At this point in the proess, it is desired for the scab to remain as consistently moist as possibly. This will help the scab fall off when it is ready to do so.

-At this point, the finger can be used normally (within reason) without much (if any) pain.

After two or three days with the bandaid covering, the scab will start to fall off.

-One may expedite this process if one is careful.

-At this point, the skin on the nailbed is sensitive to the touch, but not to the point of pain.

-There will be some dry, loose skin around the edges of the nailbed.

-The previously visible striation will no longer be there.

-Pressure on the exposed nailbed will not be necessarily painful, but it will feel decidedly Odd. Though not painful, It will be an extremely sensitive area.

-The nailbed will be a delicate pinkish color.

Around a week after the initial scab falls off, there will appear to be another scab. It will be a relatively thin layer of dry, dead skin.

-If the nail is allowed to grow normally, it is likely that it will cover this second scab before it has the chance to fall off.

-If the stub of the fingernail is trimmed routinely, it is possible for the scab to fall off, leaving only relatively smooth unblemished skin where the nailbed is. This skin will be roughly the same color and texture as the skin on the tip of the finger. 

7) The rate at which fingernails grow back is extremely slow

-The average growth rate is about 3.5 milimeters per month. There are several factors that can cause this to vary:

-Fingernails on the dominant hand grow back faster than the nails on the non-dominant hand.

-Fingernails grow back faster than toenails.

-Nails grow back faster in warm weather than in cold weather.

-Depending on the nail and the aforementioned conditions, one can expect a total regrowth time of anywhere from three to six months (or more).

8) Life Without Fingernails

-Fingernails affect a large part of our everyday lives. We mostly use them when we’re manipulating objects with our hands, and we use them to scratch. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s a lot. It’s hard to explain just how weird it is to not have fingernails to someone who’s never experienced it, but here goes:

-Fingernails are the Hard Backs used to brace our fingers against a hard shell when we manipulate something with our hands. If you pinch your fingers together right now, you’ll see a white band along the top of your fingernail. This is where the pressure from the pinching goes; it’s braced against your nail.

-Picking something up without fingernails feels extremely odd the first few hundred times you do it. It takes a long time to get used to it.

-Writing is even worse. Without the hard shell backing your fingers, the pencil tends to slip out of your grip more often. If you usually have long enough fingernails that you balance your pen/pencil on them, you’re extremely likely to have the pencil completely slip out of your grip multiple times a sentence.

-You don’t realize how much you unconsciously scratch itchy parts of your body until you no longer have the ability to do so. If you’re only missing a few nails, you have to consciously adjust your hand so that you can scratch with the existing ones. If you’re missing all of them, you have to actively find an external object to alleviate the itch.

Some places on the body one can scratch with their teeth, but for most places, one needs to either find an “itch stick,” or rub that part of their body on something scratchy. A lot of clothing is scratchy enough to work for this. One needs to learn how to vary the pressure so that one can alleviate the itch without tearing through the skin or scratching themselves.

Pros:

-Body horror

Fingernail removal is a more mentally significant mutilation than cuts or burns, if only because it draws on the "that was there and now it's not" aspect of body horror.

-Can be inflicted more than once

Since fingernails grow back, they can be removed again and again and again. Though it may take some time for the nails to regrow, it isn't even close to the type of permanent that’s chopping off a finger or a toe.

-Helplessness

Since it takes a few days for the nailbeds to heal enough to be able to use one's fingers, a complete removal of all fingernails will take away one's ability to use their hands. Even after this initial period of extreme sensitivity, the lack of fingernails is something most people aren’t prepared for. The previous section explaining how fingernails affect daily life is significant here.

 Cons:

-Can’t repeat often.

Once a fingernail is off, it's not coming back for at least three months (likely longer). It doesn't have the relatively quick reset time that burns or cuts do.

-Relatively short amount of time in pain

All of the pain is in the first few days. It is inconvenient afterwards, but there is little to no pain at this time.

-Amount of care needed

One needs to be relatively careful inflicting this. Fingernails are not as resilient as you'd think, and the likelihood of them ripping before you can finish ripping them off is fairly large if you're not being careful.

If you have a short-tempered or impatient whumper, this might not be their particular wheelhouse.

 Conclusion

Overall, I’d say that the effectiveness depends entirely on the desired result. The time it takes for the fingernails to regrow versus the amount of time in which the subject is in pain is not a very productive ratio, so if you’d want your whumper doing a particular torture regularly, I wouldn’t recommend this.

However, if the whumper’s goal is to appeal to the body horror aspect without permanent damage, this is a great option. The fact that it takes nails so long to regrow gives the victim a sense of horrified freakishness. It also has the added benefit of reducing the victim’s maneuverability far after the fact.

The semi-visible nature of this method of torture can be effective if one wishes to horrify characters outside the whumper/whumpee relationship. You don’t immediately look at other people’s hands when you meet them, and as such it might take a while for outside characters to notice the lack of fingernails (especially if they’re past the three day mark). But once they notice, it will be hard to look away.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I’m thinking about healthcare right now. I’m back on Kaiser since I’m back in California (and went through a several months long incredibly frustrating process with medi-cal and Medicaid) and they’re kind of one of the better health insurance companies. I say kind of because they deny the smallest percentage of claims of any major US health insurance company but they still deny around 7%

The weird thing with Kaiser is you need to do almost everything through Kaiser. They own hospitals, doctor’s offices, psychiatrists, etc. and usually that’s a great thing except for when it’s not.

See if I go to Kaiser every doctor they have there has access to my medical record. I don’t need to sign any tedious forms, spend two weeks pulling my hair out and sending emails. They’ve just got it. I don’t need to do my own research deciding what specialist to go to. I just go to one. Sometimes in the same building on the same day.

Usually, this is really good. When I was on blue cross/blue shield in Texas it took me like two weeks of constant emailing and phone calls to set up an appointment with a specialist. With Kaiser I just go to my GP and they look at me and confirm yes a specialist would help with that and then make an appointment with the next available one. And if I don’t like that guy or my GP I can just request a change on the website and get a different one.

The thing with Kaiser though is you need to go to Kaiser. Physically. You’ve gotta go to one of the Kaiser buildings. Often times there’s one, maybe two per city. You’ve gotta go there for doctors appointments, pharmacy, emergency care, everything unless they’ve contracted out to someone else. And they don’t do that very much.

So if I live next door to a random pharmacy I can’t use that pharmacy. I’ve gotta go halfway across town to go to my local Kaiser facility.

They also kind of might sometimes have a lack of local people with knowledge about certain very niche things. For my transgender related health issues I almost always have to do a tele-health appointment with some guy in San Francisco. I can’t talk to a specialist in person because my local Kaiser hospital doesn’t have anyone who specializes in transgender related healthcare on staff.

I mostly like Kaiser. I like that my doctors all just have my info. I like that I can just go to one place to get everything done relatively quickly. I don’t like that I have to go on a video call with a guy in San Francisco to ask questions about certain things or that I have to go across town to pick up my prescriptions when I live within walking distance of a pharmacy.

Why am I telling you all this? Well I think some people don’t know this sort of thing even exists in the US, or the advantages and disadvantages of it.

Of course the amount of money that Kaiser covers still varies depending on your plan like every other plan in the US. They have eye care but not all employers will pay for Kaiser eye care. They don’t have dental as far as I know.

I just think that there’s a world out there where we could have the best of both Kaiser and traditonal insurance companies, you know? A world where you can go to any pharmacy you want and also see a doctor the same day. That’s not the sort of world or specifically country I live in but I think it’s good for us all to understand the sort of stuff that’s out there. The possibilities.

[warakami-vaporwave]

I’ve been pretty hugely inspired by your work, specifically the logos and stuff, to the point I’ve wanted to start making my own (I haven’t really been posting it anywhere).

I’m so sorry if this is rude in any way, I was wondering if you have a specific place you look to really capture the vibe of those classic ads/logos. Sorry if this is worded weird, it’s been a long day lol

Thanks, I'm always happy to hear I've inspired people! Questions like this are fun to answer, and this one is timely since I've spent a lot of this year focusing on getting better at logo design. People ask this from time to time so I'll try to cover this in a bit more detail, although the answer will be pretty long and tumblr might break some of these links.

The short answer:

To catch the vibe of a specific area, the advertisements in retro magazines are a really good place to start since you can see the trends of an era well. Luckily there are tons of scans of those magazines online. This works for most pre-internet design eras.

The long answer:

References for logos:

Google books has a pretty big archive of a lot of old magazines. Pick one that fits your niche (for much of my work, something more tech focused like Popular Mechanics issues from the late 70s/early 80s could fit well); https://books.google.com/books/about/Popular_Mechanics.html?id=gtkDAAAAMBAJ

Archive.org is a great resource as well. For example; this link shows branding for a ton of companies from the 80s; https://archive.org/details/bitsavers_unitedTechngineersMasterVol2_242068752/page/n389/mode/2up?view=theater

There are also books that compile logos of an era (I've been meaning to skim through some of these); https://archive.org/search?query=creator%3A%22Kuwayama%2C+Yasaburo%CC%84%22

This site has an amazing archive of designs, sorted by the typefaces used so you can really see the variety of ways you can use a font; https://fontsinuse.com/typefaces/1847/microgramma

This tumblr has a ton of scans of VHS cover packaging; https://vaultofvhs.tumblr.com/

Similar to the above, there are sites and archives for most any niche and era. This site focuses on retro product packaging; https://soft-electronics.com/home/

Youtube:

Youtube is a good resource for seeing how designers make retro-inspired logos. There are tons of designers making videos, just pick an era and look for 'retro 70s/80s/90s/00s logo design' and it'll show you how they work. Other than their thought process in logo design (which is a huge area in and of itself), seeing how they apply grunge and glitch effects helps as well.

There are tons of channels that do this but this is one of my favorites; https://www.youtube.com/@Texturelabs/videos

Just keep in mind that for all of this, some youtube designers will try to sell you classes, texture packs or plugins. You don't NEED any of them. Plenty of free assets and information exists. Personally I have never used any of it, although I might switch to using some in the future to speed things up.

Pinterest:

Within the last year I've started using pinterest for research more. I've found it helpful to create very very specific boards such as 'retro 70s/80s tv show title screen logos' and fill it with only the best, hit the 'More ideas' button and it'll usually help me find reference quicker and a few I've never seen before. Sometimes I'll get really lucky and it'll find visually similar ideas, but from a niche I never thought overlapped with it before.

Other places:

This is just the basics, although you can go much much deeper on all of this. I find it's easy for me to get carried away with doing too much research, and not enough actually making art.

Also, please keep in mind that I'm not a logo designer, or much of a graphic designer. Most of what I make fails (be it logos, or art itself). I spent a lot of time this year working on 40 logos to use in art this year. Of those 40 designs I'm hoping that I'll end up using 10-15 of them regularly. Each year I make over 100 designs, of them I only really like a dozen of those designs, and only a few of those succeed as merch.

Hopefully some of this helps!

[i-arch-my-backula]

Show me your fangs: Logan Howlett/Autistic reader

This is very self insert-ish. I just wanted an excuse to write about an autistic reader with my favorite characters. Like I said, this is more just servicing my self shipping ass.

Content Includes: Ambiguous relationship (can be platonic or romantic)

You are a part of the X-Men team. You work with students one on one during school hours and help everyone else deal with whatever bullshit Magneto is trying to pull. But you don't exactly act like everyone else. You have a way of taking things literally, not picking up on things you probably should. You have some niche interests you spend hours doing research into, you only eat the same seven meals every time Logan sees you eating. Sure you're a little weird, but this is the X-Men mansion, who isn't a freak?

It's mid afternoon on a Saturday, everyone else is off doing something. The Professor and Storm most likely trying to help some students. But Logan finds himself doing what he usually does, drinking a beer, walking around the mansion. He's been here for a while, and as long as he's been here, he's never really seen many other people's rooms.

Sure they're usually the same kind of thing. Similar furniture and layout, with some personal details added from that person's interests and whatever. But when Logan caught a glance from the corner of his eye at your room, he had to take another look. He didn't mean to be a creep or anything, despite his somewhat assholish nature. Your room had the same basics that everyone did, the same wooden floor, part wooden walls, and that cream color paint.

But yours was different, remarkably different. Over the entire room was decorated with vampire themes and memorabilia. Thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars worth of posters, books, DVDS, VHS tapes, books, figures, so many things in your room dedicated to vampires.

Right now you've got your headphones on while watching how you're filing your sharp nails. You have some kind of animal mutation right? Logan can't help himself. He has to ask some questions. He clears this throat and steps into your room. You don't seem to notice him so he tries to make it more obvious.

"Hey." You glance at him and take off your headphones, your eyes staying down on your nails.

"Hi." You reply. Are you uninterested? Logan doesn't blame you, you've barely said two words to this man before, no big deal if you're awkward around him.

"You uh...You got a vampire mutation or something?" He asks, taking a sip of his beer. You shake your head and blow some dust off your nails. After a pause something crosses your face and you look up from your nails, then at Logan, then back around the room.

"No I uh...I have this cat kind of mutation thing or whatever. I just really like vampires." You set your file on your nightstand and walk over to the closest shelf. You pick up an action figure and pose it while speaking more. "It started when I was 11. I watched the 1958 Christopher Lee Dracula movie for the first time with my siblings and I just fell in love. I spent every minute I could learning about vampires. I started collecting when I was 15 and I got my first job."

Logan suppresses a smile as you slowly become more and more animated.

"So my collection started with this Universal Dracula collectible knife I got at a garage sale. I haggled for a bit and probably didn't get the best deal, but it's still really cool." You explain, walking over to Logan holding a slightly coffin shaped object. The word "Dracula" written on the top in silver. You flip it open to reveal one side of the knife has bats all over it and the other side has a drawing of Dracula. Then you shut it and expose the knife.

Logan nods his head and sips his beer again. His eyes catching your little fangs when you smile.

"Real interesting stuff." His tone is as flat as yours, but you don't seem to notice. You set down the knife then pick up a VHS tape, pointing to a signature written in black ink.

"I got my copy of 'Fright Night' signed by the guy who plays Charlie in the movie. I don't really like Charlie all that much, I think he should have just minded his own business, but that's just me." You shrug and turn the VHS tape over, showing Logan the back. He didn't expect to get sucked into a lecture about vampires, but for the next half hour, you spoke uninterrupted about vampires. Going through your collection of things one by one. But Logan had only one thing he wanted to see.

"Hey Y/N," He finally says, putting his beer bottle on your dresser. You look over at him for a moment before quickly looking down at the ground. "Show me your fangs." You look at him again, just for a moment before opening your mouth wide enough for him to get a look at your sharp, cat like teeth. He smiles and nods his head. Match made in heaven, he's sure.

[hide-your-bugs-away]

Thank you for the tag @unchaineddaisychain !! Despite knowing full-well the dangers that will befall the world, if I'm given a chance to speak. 👀

Nicknames?

Flygonnie, Flygon, Commie (just for my irls, please)

Real name?

Connie

Zodiac?

Cancer (I am an emotional wreck)

Favorite artists?

These weird guys called the... Animals? Or something like that? And their keyboardist... I think his name is Alan Price? Sounds pretty gay. Yeah, I'm normal about them...

Very abridged list of other folks I like: Donovan, Herman's Hermits, Georgie Fame, the Jeff Beck Group, Dusty Springfield, Lulu, the Jimi Hendrix Experience, the Beatles, Bob Dylan, the Kinks, Peter and Gordon, Paul Revere and the Raiders, a whole bunch of Motown (especially the Supremes and Stevie Wonder), Facebook-Wine-Aunt-Record-Producer Mickie Most.

Favorite sports team?

...what is sports?

Other blogs:

@yache-berries - my "main" blog where I post Pokémon and gaming-related stuff, along with occasional art, with some 60s rock also interspersed in there because I don't have much in the world besides my favorite things.

@the-alan-price-combo - my semi-organized-but-not-really-that-organized Animals art/gif blog. I end up reblogging most of it here anyway, but if you want my Normalcy About The Animals all in one place, it's there! I also have a 37,000-word essay about Alan Price and Eric Burdon pinned there if you want a biased and abridged and gay look at Animal-history. 😔

Do you get asks?

Basically none, but that's what happens when one of your special interests is a niche and barely-researched blues-rock band that lasted about three years and only eight people care about. I'm okay with that, I'm here to archive and make silly art and shout into my gay little void.

How many blogs do you follow?

176

Tumblr crushes?

None because I'm shy and don't talk to many people anymore 😔

Lucky number:

I am not lucky in the slightest but 27 is a number I really like... also 330.

What are you wearing right now?

A thinly-veiled advertisement for Pepsi-Cola in the form of a shirt where Alan Price has his elbow resting on Eric Burdon's thigh, plaid sweatpants, and Mickie Most (Eevee) socks

Dream vacation?

Funny, because I've already done it... but I'd love to see Alan Price in Barnes, London whenever I'm able to again. I typically don't like traveling much, but London was absolutely beautiful and just being in the vicinity of so much of the history and music I adore is incredibly meaningful to me. Alan Price in the same city as me... wow. The two days I saw him in concert were the two best days of my life.

Dream?

Have a content life making art of my favorite things during free time after work (art-related or otherwise). While also continuing to improve my art and letting it speak for me, drawing attention to the underrated and subtle parts of my favorite subjects (especially history, especially music history, especially you-know-who). I'm not kidding when I say that anytime someone tells me they started listening to the Animals or Alan because of my art, they're making this dream of mine come true.

Dream car?

None, because I'm absolutely terrified of driving (I do it anyway so I can go to my job and save money to see Alan Price)

Favorite food?

SPAGHETTI... (preferably no meat sauce though)

Drink of choice?

Dr Pepper is one of my personality traits. I do really like tap water a whole lot as well, and root beer. Cherry Coke is my go-to when the establishment does not have any Dr Pepper.

Instruments?

I used to play xylophone/auxiliary percussion in high school marching band and a percussion ensemble, but I've gotten way more shy as I've gotten older and don't like playing instruments anymore. 😔

Languages?

English

Celebrity crushes?

None (aroace 😔🤙)

Random fact:

My first shiny Pokémon was a 'G' Unown caught in Pokémon Pearl back in 2008 and I STILL haven't given it a nickname.... It needs one badly... funny little blue letter. I think I'll name it Geoff. I'm going to use it to finally beat Legends: Arceus (accompanied by my Eevee team named after Animals) 🙏

(That sentient psychic glyph can LEGALLY DRIVE NOW!!!!)

Tagging: @hilton-my-luvx @coicalposeidon @luvthedare @blackbeltkitten2 @bobbyhasstardust

[twosides--samecoin]

Working on my in-game photography and fic every day, even if it's only research or a few words here and there. I'm very happy with my artistic growth this year.

The healthiest mindset I can come up with is that I'm in competition with myself. My opponent in the ring is my own limits and imagination - it's up to me to push myself to go bigger and better and learn something new. Nobody can wind up & land my haymakers for me. I have to be my own mentor, my own beta reader, my own biggest fan, my own clique, my own critic.

I can't appeal to everyone (and have had to suppress the want to prove myself; someone determined to keep their nose turned up is the ultimate carrot on the end of the validation stick), but I can certainly appeal to myself, even though I sit in a Venn diagram of self-carved niches. I don't fit in with screen archery tropes or fanfic expectations. I haven't yet found a beta reader/editor who's able to give the eviscerating critique I'm after (beta reading/editing as I understand it is more than "thumbs up no typos!! oooh fun scene!!"). Hell, fanfic is a tough hobby and can be an isolating culture - you'll have silent readers who love your work but are afraid of commenting, people who withhold kudos until the end in case you write something problematic and very opinionated readers who post about how they want/don't want writers to do certain things or tag a certain way. More private Discord cliques pop up as public fandom continues to fragment.

I can't control a lot that makes me anxious about fandom and being social on the internet, like whether or not I'm being iced out by a stranger or whether my stuff just never graces their feed. I worry all the time and self cringe at moments where I misread social cues/tone. Somehow we're on the "write a lot of words and we're accepting toward neurodivergence" website but it's difficult to connect with people authentically and convey what you really think. It's difficult feeling like I am always on the outskirts of the fandom, and have felt that way since I joined. It's been especially hard this year because my support system has fluctuated dramatically since moving to the USA.

I can only focus on my own art. Not fitting in, being too weird even for the weird people and going my own path is the story of my life. If no one gives you your flowers, you can always grow your own.

I think saying, "Fuck it, I'm done trying to impress others, I'm just gonna make the art & stories I wish to see" is paying off - I'm working on some portraits and visual storytelling for an FO4 modder. I'm gonna help evoke Emotions and Themes!! Plus I have my own mod shenanigans to tinker with. And the ficversary is coming up! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

Anyway nobody wants to hear me soapbox, so-

[dallasgallant]

hi! definitely asking a very niche question (🥲), but i just love your blog—your writing/research posts are SO informative, and your characterizations are so well thought-out. i know you have a post talking about musicians/genres from the sixties and their broader audiences, but what do you think about specific character’s music taste/favorite musicians?

Thank you! I’m glad that’s what I’m here for to be informative and cool ✨. Had to read this once or twice I was going to link my two posts on music taste then radio again before I got into it, lol!

But this is a good question, I gotta think on it for a second. Because I do think it’s both an individual thing but also a very group related thing at the time— at least genre wise. Like subcultures are actual subcultures/ fans of music could be hard core thus “poser” coming out of the 80s/90s or “beatnik” in the 60s.

I’m going to go general and then specific for those I can think of (I do think they’d all like who I name)

Gang:

Rock n’ roll. They’ll like a lot of the late 50s powerhouses of the time, fast guitar that really sends a groove through you. Doo wop too, they’re not too behind on the times either as it’s still pretty popular. The up and coming rock bands too they’d also be into— once again they’d love 70s guitar rock (Lynyrd Skynyrd, CCR, Bad company etc.) and outlaw country.

Pony: Jerry Lee Lewis, Dion, the yardbirds

Johnny: Buddy Holly , Frankie Vali, Ricky Nelson, Cream

Dally: Chuck berry , them/Van Morrison , Johnny cash, three dog night

Steve: buffalo Springfield , Eddie Cochran, Chubby checker, Allman brothers band

They all like Elvis but Soda gives me the vibes he’s the biggest fan of them all.

Sorry they’re a little weird, lot of either older bands or Late 60s/early 70s former ones. Couldn’t think of mid 60s off top of my head

Socs:

Like I said in my more general music taste they don’t dislike rock n’ roll but it’s not their primary choice. They’ll do much more group stuff, harmony bands with a little softer tunes but still great to dance to. Pop music! Popular, advertisable but still noticeably made for the youth.

Cherry: Lesley Gore, The association, , The Beach Boys, the Hollies, Frankie Avalon

Marcia: The Beatles , Jefferson airplane , the Monkees, the byrds

Bob: The Beach Boys, the Hollie’s, the kinks

Randy: The association, the Cowsills, Jefferson airplane, the mamas and the papas (he also takes a hippie turn, mamas indicate that)

But the thing is too I think they’d all enjoy every band or artist I mentioned, while they have their favorite genres— it’s also about the radio and about youth. Big Artists at the time really appealed to the youth and teenage of America, their issues and also how they wanted to dance and move and gyrate and touch— even more than their parents swing or grandparents Charleston! There’s also of course the individual don’t take any of this too literally everyone’s their own person, may hate popular music, or may little everything but hate this one band etc.

Also! All of these are really good bands man. Highly recommend. I’d also look up top music charts for mentioning what’s playing on the radio etc

Sorry this is more me naming bands than actual analysis of why they enjoy them😭😅 my bad could be another ask … heard music and blacked out

[transmutationisms]

Hi caden i always scroll through your blog and whenever i leave i find myself questioning if you are the Scihub wizard. What's your range regulation on your topics of study (as in, how do you seek what catches your interest more thoroughly) and how do you sort out what qualifies articles on such as readable or relevant to engage with? Every time I search up stuff on jstor it just gives me the most stalest stuff ever. If you have any specific websites or tricks to recommend it would mean it all. Thank you

hm well... i guess the short answer would be that i do spend a lot of time reading things that i ultimately decide are stupid or irrelevant or redundant, lol. like, if i'm not actively writing i'm probably researching. so if i post, like, book recs, there's probably at least a few years of reading around and behind that... some of this work will eventually become useful or interesting to me (appendix my advisor made me cut and said was irrelevant in 2020 whose footnotes i raided today) and some of it will probably just live forever in some dusty corner of my mind (zotero folder on phonographic physiology that has only an extremely tangential connection to anything else i literally ever write on).

but in general, my approach is usually to read more, not less—i don't know what connections i might want to make if i never read on those topics, ykwim? i definitely get faster at finding things and sifting through sources the more familiar i am with a topic. but even so, i like to read widely, knowing full well that some (large) percentage of it will be useless to whatever i'm currently working on, lol. there's plenty in my library that i've never cited, or i only quoted a line or two, or i named it only to say it sucks. i think this is all fine and fun honestly. but, a few ways to narrow some of this down:

when you're looking for the seminal literature on a certain topic, you can shortcut some of the searching by picking up anything recent and just picking through the footnotes. (this is called 'snowballing' sometimes.) it's not a comprehensive strategy because you won't find newer or obscure texts—but it's a decent starting point

i work with historical sources, so often the way i find really interesting stuff is by searching the actual names i'm finding in the primary literature. these tend to be figures with a smaller footprint in the secondary literature, who often get overshadowed in more general topic searches, and i often end up reading about all kinds of weird niche topics i didn't even know to look for

some professional societies and journals maintain databases and bibliographies of recent publications; these are worth scanning from time to time. you can often find them by googling, like, "[field] bibliography / database" or sometimes you can find them thru journal websites (but these index more than just the journal's publications). usually free at least to see article titles/abstracts

you can also pick a couple flagship journals in your subtopic and just scan their recent issues from time to time; again article titles are generally free to view. don't rely exclusively on journals, but again, can be a good place to start

dissertations and theses are also good for footnotes, since part of the assignment is usually to show that you're familiar with the recent literature. you don't really want to rely on dissertations for actual citations if you don't have to (the qc is on average even lower than professional publishing... lol) but for reading recs, go for it

[cynicaldesire]

My husband is into Magic and has been keeping me abreast of MTGxFF spoilers, and because I have more knowledge of the series than he, I will go OH NEAT and explain some of the stuff in the art of the card. He will then usually explain the context and mechanics of the card and/or if its just a reprint/reskin of another card. Like using Chocobo stables from FF7 as a basic land, or Shinra Tower as the Command Tower for the pre-con Commander decks.

They have released spoilers for the FF 6, 7, 10, and 14 decks so far and some of them have really cool cards. There are so many, I don't want to bore everyone with the details of each, so I will link to my spoilers here: MTG Goldfish Spoilers.

Stitch Together - MTGxFF (FFVI) - This card's art tells the story of Shadow, one of the ensemble cast. It's hidden in dreams in the original game, hinted at with him winding up in Thamasa and Interceptor's reaction to Relm and such. I love that they did research into the games enough to have cards like this.

There's a lot of niche moments in the cards, but I think this is probably one of the most niche:

Palace Jailer - MTGxFF (FFVI) - This is a reference to a thief held in the dungeons in Figaro Palace, a wolf that you can encounter later in the game. He has a precious item in that encounter OR you can save Mog and get him as a party member.

Coin of Fate - MTGxFF (FFVI) - I pointed out to my husband that they made Edgar's armor so shiny so there's a reflection of the coin for the purpose of saying "What a weird thing to do. Are they saying that Edgar keeps his armor so polished because he's a king?" Instead I realized it was to show off the double-headed aspect of it.

General Leo Cristophe - MTGxFF (FFVI) - Amano art General Leo!

Champions from Beyond - MTGxFF (FFXIV) - I find this one cool because it has the Light and Full Party mechanics.

Cloud's Limit Break - MTGxFF (FFVII) - If this had 4 Limits on it, I would think it was cooler, but hey, the art is of his Omnislash and it's pretty cool to find a way to make it a mechanic.

Slayer's Stronghold - MTGxFF (FFVII) - AVALANCHE's secret basement in 7th Heaven.

Mossfire Valley - MTGxFF (FFVII) - Rocket Town.

Rootbound Crag - MTGxFF (FFVII) - Discovering the Midgar Zolom that Sephiroth impaled on a tree in front of the Mythril Mine.

Path of Ancestry - MTGxFF (FFVII) - Red XIII (Nanaki) on the cliff with his petrified father. This is a very emotional scene in the game, proving to the young warrior that his father was not, in fact, a wastrel.

Tome of Legends - MTGxFF (FFXIV) - This is Khloe's book from FFXIV. You pick it up from her starting at level 60 (?) and you can use those stickers to fill in and get a prize from her before the deadline. She wants to hear about the Warrior of Light's adventures, but only certain ones, like go do the Second Coil of Bahamut and tell her about your adventure there. Go do some dungeons or PvP and you can get a sticker and if you get 3 lines, you'll get the best prize!

Talisman of Conviction - MTGxFF (FFVI) - This is set right in the second half of the game when the player is Celes on the island with Cid. She assumes that, as the only two survivors, the rest of the party is dead. But then a bird shows up with Locke's headband wrapped around it.

There's so many more like this in the set and I am so delighted to see them. Snort, Bedevil (the airship getting destroyed in the apocalypse that leads to the World of Ruin), Endless Detour shows Rikku hiding from the lightning, Zack Fair is a card that, when sacrificed, puts all his stuff on the card that he protected. It's so good, y'all.

[delta-orionis]

Tuesday Again No Problem 6/17/25

My last Tuesdaypost was over a month ago. Oh god.

Listening

Mostly fallow? I've been re-listening to old podcast episodes a lot. I'm kind of Going Through It right now.

TWOAPW posted a new episode about Beyond Two Souls, a game I have never played, but one that my brother knows a lot about for some reason:

Everything I learned about this game was new to me, but listening to this episode with my brother was fun because I got to hear his visceral reactions to the descriptions of some of this games... interesting writing choices.

Watching

A coworker recommended Angela Collier to me a while ago, but I finally got around to watching some of her videos:

This one was particularly intriguing to me. I heard the legends about Feynman all throughout my undergraduate physics career, and yes, I have even encountered the "Feynman bros" that she talks about. I didn't think much of it, but learning that his reputation is mostly hearsay was... interesting.

At one point she even held up a book that looked familiar to me, and I looked over and realized I had the exact same edition on my shelf. I remember exactly where I was when I got it, too. Eerie.

Her videos are definitely not for everyone. I feel they appeal to an audience who has at least some familiarity with the astronomy/physics undergrad experience, and the weird idiosyncrasies that come with it. The videos are also on the longer side, and have a tendency to meander... that sounds like a bad thing, but I was enjoying listening to them while I did other things. They're more conversational in nature.

This video in particular struck me as someone who does science communication professionally now:

She talks about the difficulty of communicating science when the science in question is a new, niche, poorly understood field that is constantly evolving, and how public opinion about said field can turn as a result. (Honestly it had shades of the BobbyBroccoli video series about Cold Fusion. Not exactly the same, obviously, but another example of the way public opinion can turn on a niche field of research.)

And this one is just a very good rant about why a specific type of plot is just. Very bad. In a number of different ways.

Playing

I picked the Switch version of Rain World back up to play some Expeditions. You can tell how well it's been going for me from this post alone.

In other news... I've been playing a Lot of the Pokemon TCGP in my spare time. I have finally settled on a deck that Works for me. Maybe I'll have to completely re-make it once the next expansion comes out, but for now it gets the job done.

Making

I almost forgot to mention! I got a new computer!!!! Aaaaahhhh!!!!!

It's not super beefy, but it is LEAGUES better than what I was using before. My computer takes less than a minute to boot up now. It feels like a miracle.

I could be using it to play more graphically intensive stuff, but of course I went straight back to modding Rain World.

Something about the Watcher DLC really disagreed with my laptop; it ground my modding process to a complete halt. Thankfully it runs nice and smooth on my new computer, so I've been getting back into level editing.

In other news, I finally got around to making proper references for my iterator OCs in preperation for Artfight next month:

I'm pretty excited for Artfight... I don't know how active I'll be able to be, but I had a lot of fun last year and I'm looking forward to experiencing it again.

---

That's all for now, see you next week (if I remember).

[all-doggirls-go-to-heaven-2]

YES ACTUALLY I CAN

( @arquivista )

Analog Hacking or Analog Glitching is the proccess of causing intentional ''damage'' to footage through analog means. Which means a lot of things! It usually produces results like this:

https://youtu.be/GbGswmT04lE

You could argue that crumpling up a VHS tape and recording that again through a vcr is Analog Glitching, but what a lot of enthusiasts mean when they say Analog Hacking or Glitching is to send, distort and compress signal through analog circuits. Since analog video signal is just an electric frequency, a solder iron and a basic knowledge of electronics will take you far.

Imo its a very fun hobby bc it involves a lot of research and planning by yourself, to make something within your means and tastes. It is also infuriating to research bc most crucial pieces of knowledge are within deep forums of experts decrypting tape protection and stuff like that. You can wast weeks simply doing research. And then its a matter of finding old analog gear (I personally had an old vhs-c camera for Infinite loops and a pretty decent recorder vcr with a lot of good stabilizers) because it can get expensive FAST. But its really fun to work these old pieces of tech and seeing it interact with your new diy creations to make pretty colors and movements on the screen.

It's very niche and kinda weird but its a fascination of mine. Here's some pieces of my setup so you can get an idea of what they look like:

This is the beefy boy of my setup, a classic Roland V-4. I use it for time base correcting signals and its also good for live mixing.

This is also kind of a relic, its an RF Toshiba 102 crt. Its 11 inches (I think?) And works really well for screen recordings when I want thst fuzzy crt finish. It only works with PAL signal and needs an RF adapter (which is why I could get it for really cheap)

This is a K.K dirty mixer! Is an open-source project to mix two analog signals and output a single one, mixing them with a potentiometer. Its a really easy build, which is why mine is made out of a margerine container. In the background is my vcr, which luckily works with NTSC and PAL-M, so I have more flexibility to work.

Rn im working on building something called a "Videffektor" which is an open source project to make an analog glitch enchancer.

If you have any more questions please ask I love to talk abt this shit and never have the chance

[gnreadergames]

Weird Science

Egon Spengler x Named FTM!Male Oc

Content warnings: Some sexual tension leading into non-graphic sexual content, mostly sickeningly sweet shit, Egon’s a lil crazy, Alex likes em cooky, doctor kink?? Is that a thing? Idk, either way a PHD title is used in a way no one should use a PHD title. Unless they are freaks like me :3

A/N: Crawling out of my hole I’ve been in for *checks watch* like almost a year to bring you this. I have no excuses guys I just rewatched my favorite movie and wanted to fuck the science man again. Super self indulgent, also for my trans readers because I’ve noticed a lot of yall thirsting after this man are trans. Congratulations my niche little subjects, here’s some food.

Word count: 13,971. - Yes you read that right. I just really wanted to write some gooey porn about the science man okay?

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Egon Spengler sat alone in the firehouse, surrounded by the various specimen he had collected from a bust and the various machines created to catch and contain ghosts. He had just finished running diagnostics on the Proton Packs, fixing a bug that Peter had showed him on his, and was in the process of cataloging and tagging some new samples he had collected on their last bust of a succubus in a hotel.

Alex was quiet about accessing the stairs. The door to the bottom always squeaked but he made sure to pull it open extra slowly this time, and somehow successfully managed to make it all the way up to the top of the 2nd floor completely silently. Egon was perched at the main table in the kitchen up top. Its circular surface was covered with bagged petri-dishes, spore samples, and various robotic gadgets he guessed were for ghost hunting. He deftly approached from behind.

Egon’s head was down, nose intently tucked into whatever journal he was writing in now as Alex tiptoed up behind him and every so suddenly crouched down beside him to ear level and said, in a level inside voice, ‘Whatcha’ up to Spengs’?”.

Egon startled. It was Alex. It was rare for anyone to just come up behind him at the firehouse, but given recent events, he wasn't really surprised. He put down his pen, looking to get a better look at Alex.

"Hm? Oh, just going over the findings from our last bust. And the latest samples. It's all pretty...standard stuff, really. Nothing worth getting excited about."

“Yeah? Thought molds spores and fungi were your type of fun, guy-“ Alex laughed a little at his own joke, hand brushing the back of the chair and inadvertently brushing ever so briefly against Egon’s bare neck. Alex blushed slightly and hoped Egon was too focused to have noticed as he took a seat next to him.

Egon glanced up from his notes. Despite Alex making his presence very obvious, Egon had been so engrossed in his work that he barely noticed. Now, he was caught, and clearly flustered.

"Right. It's not that this sort of stuff isn't interesting. It's just..." He paused, trying to come up with the right words. "It's less exciting than seeing ghosts, you know? There's much less danger to it."

Alex cocked his head, curious. ”So is that why you do it?” He asked.

He thought for a moment, considering how to answer this question.

"In a sense, I suppose. There is always the hope that when I'm out investigating, I might encounter something truly new. Something unexpected and unpredictable. Something that could turn the whole study of ghosts on its head. And believe me, it's been a long time since we've had a true breakthrough in ghost related research."

“Is it the danger or is it the superiority? The control?” Alex blurted out without really thinking. When he realized what he said and how odd of a question it was “I just mean…” he stammered, “Do you think you like the danger, or do you like being in control? Do you like feeling powerful over the ghosts? Do you like the chase and the win? Kinda like a game…” Alex mumbled off, blushing. He felt like he only further incriminated himself into his line of thinking.

Egon laughed quietly. Clearly he wasn't offended by the question, even if it was a rather strange one. He was also more than a little intrigued.

"There is certainly an element of control, I must admit. I do like to think that I know what I'm doing out there." He paused, still smiling. "But at the same time, I'm also just as much at the mercy of the ghosts. There's always a certain...risk that I think I enjoy."

“Hm. You work in interesting ways ‘Spengs…” Alex hummed thoughtfully. His posture became a little more relaxed as he rested forward, chin on his elbow watching Egon tag samples and hum along to a janky radio he had sitting on an adjacent counter of the kitchen.

"Doctor Spengler, if you don't mind," Egon corrected, his tone only half-joking.

He glanced back down at his notes, making a few more small adjustments before finally setting the pen down.

"So you just...came over here to bother me while I work?"

“Mostly. It is my favorite pastime as you know.” Alex smirked, almost cat-like. Egon rolled his eyes, he knew the gentle teasing Alex put him through.

“Also, Doctor Spengler? What am I, one of your patients? Or do you just get a kick out of making people call you that?” Alex teased again, this time dropping his voice a little in a lusty tone that made him laugh trying to get it out in one piece.

Egon smirked, rolling his eyes in return. Alex's teasing was one of the things he actually did kind of enjoy.

”The latter, if I'm being perfectly honest. Not that I'll ever admit it."

He crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair.

"But you have to admit, Doctor is a much nicer title than Mr. Or even Professor. That title's always been a little too pretentious for its own good," he continued to banter.

I like Mr. in…” Alex paused, looking pensively upwards, “certain contexts. Like if you were to get married. Mr. And Mrs. Or er, Mr. And Mr…” Alex said casually. He hadn’t formally come out to Egon but he knew Venkman’s little vermin hands had background checked him enough to know his dating preferences already and his gender. And to be fully honest, he liked Egon more than anybody else here, even if he’d only admit it under extreme duress, or maybe too much alcohol.

So he deserved to know.

Or maybe Alex was a little desperate to share practically anything about himself in hopes of getting closer to the other man.

Egon's eyebrow raised slightly, hearing this. Alex hadn't come out to him directly, but this felt pretty obvious. It wasn't an issue to Egon anyway, but he was curious to know now.

"Alex...are you telling me you're interested in...men?"

He cleared his throat, his tone a bit nervous. He wasn't sure how to react.

“Oh-“ Alex hadn’t expected Egon to ask him so directly. But then again, he never was one for taking hints. “Yeah, I am.”

His face was redder than usual and it was obvious Egon’s bluntness had caught him slightly off guard and flustered him.

“I hope that isn’t a problem with you. I really like…spending time with you Egon.” Alex said. He wanted to leave it vague, for now at least. He didn’t even know if Egon was into men, let alone if Egon considered him a friend let alone a potential romantic interest. He didn’t want to jump the guns too fast here.

Egon looked at him, taking a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Alex...I have no problem with it. I'm very happy to spend time with you as well. I just...wasn't expecting you to say that."

For a moment, he seemed like he was going to say something more. But he held back, thinking better of it, clearly not sure what to actually say right now.

"Just didn't have you pegged as one who...preferred men's company."

“Oh really?” Alex laughed, he could lighten the mood up a bit hopefully. “What did you have me pegged for then, ‘Spengs?” he asked, leaning forward on his elbows curiously.

Egon laughed quietly as well.

"Well, you seem like you'd have an eye for the ladies." He grinned, still in an obviously good-natured way. "If you're into guys, then you're not exactly...what I would call 'typically gay' looking."

“Well…thanks?” Alex laughed. “I’m into women too, so I guess I would be in the middle of whatever spectrum you’re thinking of.”

He crumpled up a loose straw wrapper from Egon’s ginger ale and started to flick it back and forth between his fingers, nervously.

Egon nodded. He didn't seem all that surprised by this; if anything he had always got the sense that Alex was at least a little bit bi-curious, given some of the conversations they'd had.

"Right. The ol' 'bisexual' thing." He joked.

Suddenly he looked at Alex again, with an expression of sudden realization.

"Wait. Wait a minute. Are you...are you saying..."

His eyes widened slightly.

“What? Not so blunt now Egon?” Alex questioned.

“Are you...hitting on me?”

Egon looked at him, and this time his tone seemed to be one of genuine curiosity, mixed with amusement.

“Who said anything about hitting on you? Just thought you should know.” Alex was very clearly red around the apples of his cheeks and ears. He was at least embarrassed, if not caught.

Egon felt something warm and vulnerable flutter underneath one of his ribs. He swallowed.

Alex was stubborn and obviously determined not to be caught this fast in this little game they had been playing, the roughly 3 weeks of back and forth bantering, the casual drink after work when everyone else had already left, and of course, decidedly ignoring whatever happened after the attack on New York when he saw Egon exit the building safely, if not covered in goo.

Even though he, and he’s pretty sure Egon too, both remember it, neither of them have brought it up in a serious manner.

Egon laughed quietly, shaking his head. He was surprised sure, but he certainly wasn't upset. If anything, the opposite.

They were alone together, no one to hear or see anything. No one to interrupt them. Egon took a deep breath.

"Okay. I'll be honest," he said, looking Alex directly in the eye. "If you were trying to get me to figure out you're interested in me, then that definitely did the trick."

Alex smiled. It was different from his usually sly cat-like grin. This time, it was a softer, less slick looking smile with some genuine warmth behind it.

“And why would somebody as astute as the doctor Egon Spengler care about such a thing?” Alex asked, feigning being coy.

Egon had to laugh at that, shaking his head. Alex was a lot of things, but one thing he most certainly was not was subtle.

"I care because..." he paused, his smile becoming a bit broader. Despite their teasing back and forth, he was suddenly being completely genuine.

"Actually, this is probably pretty obvious, but..." He let the rest go unsaid for a moment. He didn't know what he wanted to come next. If he actually wanted to stay casual, or if he wanted more.

Alex swallowed audibly with how quiet the room had gotten suddenly.

“Egon….do you….like me?” Alex asked softly. He felt like he was dreaming, like he would wake up at any moment and this would all have been some fevered imagination of a sickly brain, a brain obsessed with this gorgeous brainiac.

Egon's face was a shade of pink now...a very noticeable pink. He shifted in his seat, clearly a bit flustered.

"I..." he said quietly. "...yes." He raised his hands up slightly, as if trying to steady himself.

"I mean...if you're okay with what that means and all that...is it...alright if I'm honest with you?"

“Please” Alex begged, voice wavering. He wanted this so much he didn’t know how to ask with words. He had practiced this scenario a thousand times over in his head as he tried to fall asleep night after night and still, he didn’t know how to respond to this. “Be honest.”

Egon swallowed, trying to gather his thoughts and his breath.

"Okay...well...I...I don't think I could have made it through the last few months without you." His words came out in spurts, each sentence broken up by pauses as he lost himself in his thoughts.

"There's always been something about you. Something I've found...really irresistible. Your mind, your energy...your...your...ahem...your...um...your...looks" He smirked softly as he finished that last sentence.

Alex flushed bright red.

Up until 10 minutes ago he had doubts the doctor even had the capabilities to be attracted to anybody, much less a man, and to hear that he had potentially been being discreetly checked out around the office made a slight sweat break out under his collared shirt and tie.

Not that he hadn’t been doing the same thing to Egon a few times when he worked… who can blame him? He flushed even harder thinking about one specific time and broke eye contact, embarrassed.

Egon couldn't help but chuckle at this. He could tell that he'd caught a very sensitive nerve. A grin spread across his face as he shook his head, still laughing a bit.

"God you're cute when you get like this," Egon said, almost teasingly.

His tone became more serious again, as he leaned forward a bit closer towards Alex.

"Can I ask you something?"

“Y-“ Alex had to swallow, mouth suddenly becoming dry as Egon leaned ever closer. “Yeah.” His eyes couldn’t look anywhere by Egon now, and he was sure his face was visibly red by now if it wasn’t before.

Egon took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to say.

"Before, you said you hadn't formally told me...about...your preferences. Was there a specific reason for this? Because I'd like to know if..."

He stopped there, looking into Alex's warm brown eyes. He took another deep breath.

"Was it because you weren't sure about my preferences?"

Alex caught a nervous laugh. He didn’t want Egon to think he was laughing at him, he was just so relieved they might possibly be on the same page and that this wasn’t another time Alex would be head over heels for another guy that would leave him the first chance he got a hotter woman to look at him.

“Yeah…I was just… curious is all.” Alex looked down at the floor, nervous and a bit embarrassed to be that easy to read. “Took you long enough…I think the others were starting to think I was just weird.”

Egon smirked, letting out an amused sigh.

"Well, they're not necessarily...wrong about that." He said, teasingly as always. But it was clear that he didn't mean it in an offensive way.

When Alex said he was curious, Egon understood. He had always wondered why Alex had never talked much about personal subjects like that. He was starting to see why now.

"Right. Well, I think it's my turn to be honest, yeah?"

“I think it is, doctor.” Alex teased back. Now that he knew Egon liked using that little word he was going to be sure to make it difficult. Especially if this conversation was going the way he thought it was.

Egon grinned, playing along for now.

"Okay. My turn to be honest, then."

He looked at Alex, his expression more serious again.

"I'm still confused on one thing, though. Can I ask you a personal question?"

”Go ahead” Alex said. He supposed he could be honest about it all now since he’d been pretty much found out.

Egon breathed. "Alright. I can't help but notice that after every time we have a bust, something happens between us...how do I say this? More than before. Have you ever...noticed that too?”

Egon paused to take a deep breath, still holding his eye contact. This was the moment of truth. He'd known that for some time now, the two of them were beginning to develop feelings for each other. But he'd held back, not wanting to push it too fast. But now he couldn't hold back anymore. He needed to know if Alex had noticed too.

”I’ve…” Alex had to choose his words carefully. “I’ve noticed it too. When I started working here last year…” Alex shifted nervously and then suddenly became more serious, sitting up and placing his hands on the table. “When I started working here last year I didn’t think much about it. It was supposed to just be a stepping stone to bigger things, being the Ghostbusters official PR manager is nothing to sneeze at and I thought if I just hung out here long enough I could get a job somewhere on Wall Street, bigger things, better pay…” Alex swallowed. “But then I started to like hanging out with you guys. And then we became friends, and suddenly it became a lot harder to see it as just a job. And then after…well to be honest right before the New York attack, that night you walked me home after we were the last two here, I think I sort of thought about you differently than the rest of them.”

Alex didn’t know how to explain it, it was difficult putting it into words. “I think I realized I cared about you more. In a different way I mean. Sure I’m friends with Venkmen and Stanz and Zeddemore, but I didn’t see you like I saw them. I wanted to get to know you more, I knew it when I said goodnight to you and it was snowing on my doorstep. And you smiled at me. I think I knew then. And then of course right after that big attack happened and I thought for sure you were dead, we had no clue how anything was going to play out and I just remembered feeling like I could die of happiness seeing you walk out of that building, and…I guess before I knew it I was already moving to you. I don’t really know why I hugged you, I was just…glad you were okay. I was glad I hadn’t missed my chance with you, I guess. I hadn’t realized how special you were to me.”

Egon's eyes were locked on Alex's every breath, every word. It was like he was seeing him in an entirely different light right now. They'd flirted and teased back and forth before, but everything here sounded so much more genuine and sincere. Like they weren't even playing a game anymore, they were being very real with each other. It was a beautiful thing.

Egon swallowed, his heart pounding inside his chest. He felt like...like this was it.

"Can I be honest with you about something, too?"

“Anything.” Alex breathed. He felt like he was going to explode admitting all of that.

Egon swallowed, his heart pounding even faster. Just like Alex he was ready to explode. But he had to get this off his chest. Now that they'd started, he couldn't think of a reason to stop.

"I've never...I've never felt the way about anyone before the way that I feel about you. I didn't even realize it at first but I've been..." He couldn't believe he was saying all this. "...I've been thinking about you a lot. Too damn much of the time, actually."

Alex smiled, giddy and carefree. He felt a little dizzy with nerves.

“Really?” He breathed, excitedly. “I’m so glad. I can’t stop thinking about you, I felt like I was going crazy. I think even Venkman picked up on it this past month when you went on that blind date Stanz set you up on.”

Egon chuckled, a wide grin on his face.

"Yeah...can't say it was a successful date."

He thought back to the disaster of a date he'd been set up with a few weeks ago. It was pretty damn clear to even Venkman. So maybe they were a little more transparent than they should have been with their feelings of late towards their friend’s attempts to set them up with other people.

"I feel stupid for letting it take this long to acknowledge any of this."

“Maybe we’re both stupid.” Alex thought, dumbly. But he couldn’t let anything dampen his mood right now. He felt like he was floating, almost drunk with happiness.

“So Mr. Scientist,” he said, balancing his chin on his hand and reaching an index finger to fiddle around with the lid of an empty Petri dish in front of him, “tell me about what you think about me. What’s been on that big brain of yours?” He purred.

Egon felt his heart skip a beat when Alex started flirting with him. He wasn't used to it, but he really liked it. What he liked even more was the idea that someone as brilliant and attractive as Alex thought this way about him.

Egon chuckled, his lips curling up into a smirk. "You want me to be honest about what I think about you?"

“Honesty is the best policy” Alex nodded, intrigued.

"Yeah...yeah it definitely is." Egon leaned forward, his gaze even more intense than before.

"I think you're absolutely brilliant. Not just in terms of your science...but your mind itself. That sharp, witty mind of yours is such a...turn on." His smirk became a bit more mischievous as he spoke. "I love it when you try to outwit a person in conversation, when you get all riled up and competitive.... I love even more that I've never seen you lose."

“You have such a way with your stupid words.” Alex giggled. He was sure he was making a fool of himself but he couldn’t believe somebody like the Egon Spengler found him attractive. He could count on one hand the times he’d been this lucky in his entire life.

“You really know how to flatter a guy,” Alex admitted, tracing the rim of the Petri dish with the same finger absentmindedly.

Egon smiled, chuckling at that, but not denying the accuracy.

"I wasn't kidding when I said your mind turns me on."

He leaned in even closer, his gaze burning into Alex's. He looked at the way Alex was tracing the rim of his empty petri dish and had an idea.

"I have a suggestion..."

“Shoot.” Alex said, sharpening the ‘T’ sound, almost bitingly.

Egon swallowed, almost nervous looking. But he thought this would be the perfect way to test the waters, to see just how interested Alex really was before he took it a step further.

"Close your eyes..."

“Okay.” Alex said, cautiously but trusting. He knew Egon wouldn’t hurt him and if anything, not knowing what was coming next and being completely at the will of the other man kind of made him feel safe. It was nice. It made his heart race a little.

He shut his eyes gently, waiting.

Egon smirked, enjoying the game he was playing. He stood up, and slowly started moving behind Alex, his movements very subtle and patient. When he got behind him, he took the same index finger that Alex had been tracing the edge of the Petri dish with and ran it softly, delicately over the back of Alex's neck, sliding it into his hair and slowly running it through.

Alex shivered at the touch.

Christ.

Okay.

He hadn’t been expecting this. Egon wasn’t a touchy person, not even in the throes of victory, so this was new, and honestly thrilling for Alex.

“Egon…” Alex practically purred, keening towards the touch. He liked it. He liked it a lot.

Egon smiled, pleased with the way Alex reacted to it. He decided to go a step further, and slowly, still using only his one index finger, started stroking Alex's hair down his neck, and eventually down his shoulders as he continued to trace a line down Alex's back.

Alex shivered and twitched with every vertebrae that Egon ran his finger past.

“This another one of your experiments, doctor?” Alex teased with a voice lower and slower than normal, but this time the air was thicker with something unspoken and unseen. But it could be very, very felt. Distantly, Alex was glad everyone else had taken this Saturday off.

Egon smirked. He loved that he was making Alex squirm, that he was clearly enjoying this so much. Alex's lower and slower voice made his chest tremble with a mix of emotion. A mix of excitement and fear. He was enjoying this, this flirtatious back and forth, but now he was feeling more daring…

"No experiment...this is something...much more personal."

“And what exactly are you testing here?” Alex asked. He still hadn’t opened his eyes yet, but now he thought he couldn’t bear not being able to see Egon for a second longer. He opened his eyes, and titled his head slightly back and was met with an angled view of his affections.

His heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t expecting Egon to look anything less than well…perfect. But this was new. Egon’s once soft brown eyes looked almost black with how dilated his pupils were, and his olive completion was a richer red tone around his face and ears. He may be more cognitively in control of the situation, but it was good to see that he was just as affected by Alex as he was by Egon.

Egon smirked and stepped even closer, their mouths finally just inches away from one another. He watched as the corners of Alex's lips quivered ever so slightly, and he couldn't help but feel a wave of joy sweep over him.

"My test..." Egon's voice was lower, and more seductive than ever. "...is to see exactly how far I can push it before you can't take it anymore."

As he spoke, he leaned just a tiny bit closer. Their lips were almost touching…

“Egon,” Alex’s voice was barely a whisper but it somehow only came out as a strung out whimper. He titled his head back ever so slightly more and he felt Egon’s breath hot on his lips.

Alex would beg for mercy if he had to. He just wanted Egon. He was so happy he could cry. His entire body felt like it was vibrating with how wired and nervous he was.

Egon knew at this point he couldn't hold back anymore. It was obvious he was just as nervous as Alex was. And in this intense moment, he needed to let him know that. His hands fell to Alex's shoulders and he pulled him even closer, so their chests were pressing sharply up against one another.

Egon's voice was lower than the lowest, as he began to whisper right back.

"God do you know how badly I want you, right now? What I would do to you if I could right this second?"

Alex’s head spun. Who was this? His Egon was quiet and professional, but he couldn’t deny that he hadn’t thought of this side of Egon, better said, dreamed of Egon having a side like this. He knew Egon was a man of control, and rules, but he also knew Egon, like every man, had buttons.

And buttons, could be pressed.

“We’re alone for the day.” Alex reminded. Egon was so close their foreheads were pressed together. Eyes locked.

Egon froze at that, the only sound in the room was their heavy breathing. He felt Alex's body pressed up against him, his heart pounding in his ears. His lips were mere centimeters apart, now. And he was suddenly hit with a wave of...nerve? Fear? Excitement?

Finally, Egon's mind won the war within.

"God damn it, it's taking every ounce of self control I have right now not to just start ripping you apart with my teeth..." he said, eyes darker than before.

Oh.

A little crazy.

Alex could work with a little crazy.

“Please-” let it never be said that Alex was above begging, because he wasn’t. Especially not for Egon. He would beg for Egon to call him worthless and pathetic. He would beg for Egon to spit on him. Egon being nice to him? Practically as strong as cocaine straight to the brain.

Alex leaned forward and clumsily brushed his lips against Egon’s for a mere second before pulling back, mouth slightly open, eyes lidded. He wanted Egon to want this as much as him. He wanted Egon to want him.

Egon stared into Alex's eyes, his heart racing a thousand miles a minute. Just seeing Alex's lips meet his, even for just one brief contact, sent a jolt of pure euphoria through his entire body. He'd never realized just how much he'd wanted this...how much he'd wanted Alex, until this very moment.

Finally, he did it. Before he had a chance to second guess his actions, Egon let his instincts take over. He leaned forward and pulled Alex back into him with one firm and quick motion. He then proceeded to take over this kiss…

Alex gasped into the kiss. He wasn’t expecting Egon to be this rough, but he guessed there was a certain aspect of desperation on both of their ends. Egon felt like he was devouring him. Alex’s knees felt like they were going to buckle, and he was lowering slowly, slowly, with pathetic little noises as Egon kissed the breath out of him.

He broke for a second, as Egon leaned over him, pushing his back into the chair, legs straddling it weakly. “Eg-“ he gasped as Egon went in for another kiss, just as hungry as the last. Alex broke away again, more determinedly “I’ve wanted this for so long. So, so, long…” his legs still weak, he leaned into Egon’s chest and arms, holding him.

Egon was in almost as much of a stupor as Alex, that little bit he'd tasted of him before had sent his heart soaring to new heights. His whole body felt alive, every single nerve. He couldn't believe how much he had wanted this, how badly he'd want to take it even further. But right now, was just the two of them, alone, the downstairs door locked.

As Alex spoke, Egon squeezed him harder by instinct alone. It was only making him yearn for much, much more…

“How long?” Alex asked between kisses. His right knee gave out and he felt Egon pull away. He made a weak noise of protest as Egon’s body pulled from his, until he realized he was being pulled with it and spun around. Suddenly, he found himself being picked up by the hips and sat gingerly and quickly onto the edge of the table, legs straddled and Egon standing in between. He kissed Alex again, tongue slipping into his mouth. He obviously didn’t seem content with the position though, too far, as he broke apart again soon after to grab Alex’s hips and yank him toward Egon’s standing ones, legs locking behind his back.

“Since when?” Alex asked again. “When did you know?” He felt drunk as Egon moved to kiss his jawline.

Egon smirked when he realized what Alex was actually asking him. To have someone this sharp, this witty being so...weak in your hands was an incredibly intoxicating experience. But the time to pick was over, now was all about play.

"God I don't know...it's been a while." Egon moved back in to capture Alex's mouth once again, holding onto his hips for dear life. "Since I started to want to see the sides of you that weren't professional, that weren't strictly business...I wanted to see exactly how human you could be."

“I’ve wanted you since that day in January. The one where we had the poltergeist in the-ah!” Alex winced as Egon moved to his neck and bit at a sensitive spot just under his ear, soft tender flesh. “S-since, that day- when- when you came back to the lab in your- your lab clothes all-” Alex’s left hand, the stronger of the two, came up to grasp at the dress shirt stretched over Egon’s back, “and th-they were all singed and dusty, and you were covered in- mmhp- sweat, and you didn’t even look at me when you-you” Egon kissed Alex to shut him up briefly, and for a moment there was nothing but the noise of soft, labored breathing and the creaking of the wooden table as they pressed against one another, but eventually Egon let him go in favor of biting at his neck again. “You- you didn’t even look at me, just rolled, rolled up your sleeves and went to work in your lab. All serious, brow furrowed, covered in grime but still wanting to get data while- ah- it’s fresh-“ Alex smiled remembering it. He still felt fuzzy and the memory was still fresh. “You’re incredibly toned for a scientist did- did you know that?” Alex asked in a breathy voice. “You have a great- great body.”

Egon huffed a laugh against his neck.

Egon couldn't help but feel his ego inflate and his cheek turn red from Alex's compliment. He'd never considered just how toned his body was, especially with his lack of exercise and all his nerdy, intellectual pursuits. As Alex rambled on, Egon couldn't help but get more turned on.

He smirked as he bit down on Alex's neck again and felt his lips twitch against it, as if Alex was moaning.

"I think you might be the first person in a while who's actually taken the time to notice..."

“How could I not?” Alex asked. Egon had momentarily paused his nipping and chewing to lift his head and look up at Alex. His big, dark eyes were even darker than usual and it was hard to see where his pupil and iris even separated.

He looked, almost animal with it.

Alex had never seen a not very methodically, almost scientifically, controlled side of Egon. This made some part of Alex’s hindbrain flicker with a warmth he had only felt on lonely nights he spent fantasizing with his own hand and brain.

Egon smirked and tilted his head up as he looked at Alex's face, that perfect, beautiful, wonderful face that had eluded him and teased him for so long. He just couldn't get enough. Every part of his body was tingling with pleasure and desire. He wanted nothing more than to take Alex right here and right now.

"You look beautiful." Egon said it sincerely, truly believing every word of it. But then he leaned up and whispered, his voice a mischievous and enticing husk. "I'm going to make you even more beautiful..."

Alex complied limply. Whatever Egon wanted. Alex felt himself slipping quietly under into that mindset he loved so much. He didn’t need control. He trusted Egon. Whatever he wanted. He knew best. He wanted to make him proud. He wanted to do whatever would make Egon happy.

Alex reached his neck desperately towards Egon and caught one last desperate kiss with a small sound before he finally gave in and let Egon do whatever he wished.

As he watched Alex willingly yield to him, Egon couldn't help but smirk. The look on his face was just as he pictured: submissive, trusting, almost worshiping. He couldn't wait to push the limits of this power and see just how desperate his new lab assistant and lover was.

So Egon did just that, pushing Alex's shirt up and kissing his collarbone, slowly making his way up to his neck again. He bit and nibbled at his collar bone, all while rubbing his hands along Alex's back and hips.

“Ah!” Alex gasped. He was particularly sensitive on his hips, and once Egon knew, he used it devilishly. His thumb ran a steady back and forth rhythm over a ridge in his V-line, making Alex shiver. Another hand curled possessively over Alex’s back and made him preen with a particularly fiery feeling in his chest. Alex continued making weak and steady noises as Egon worked over his collarbone, biting and kissing everywhere he could reach, hands moving to grasp the skin he couldn’t cover with his mouth.

The power and the control that he was asserting over Alex was making Egon feel like he was in some kind of haze, like he was just floating around in a sea of bliss, a euphoric dream that he didn't want to ever end.

The way Alex reacted to his touch made his own heart skip a beat, hearing him make those soft little sounds as he nibbled just so slightly harder on his neck and collarbone. It was pushing all his buttons, making him want so much more…

“Please-” Alex begged, not entirely sure what exactly he was begging for. Whatever Egon would give him. Whatever Egon thought he deserved. Alex’s hands, at one point limp around Egon’s waist, now were clenched tightly into his shirt and his hair, respectively, as Alex’s body curled into Egon’s.

Egon shivered again as he heard Alex beg him, heard him pleading for more.

This was exactly what he had been dreaming of. A completely submissive Alex, one who would let Egon take control completely, one who would gladly turn over every inch of his body to Egon for...for whatever Egon wanted.

It was such a turn on that Egon couldn't even form whole sentences, his thoughts were getting the best of him and his body was ready to take...no, to take control.

“Whatever you want.” Alex wanted more. Whatever Egon would give him. He laid flat on the table as Egon pulled away and surveyed him quickly, eyes flitting across his body as a whole, flushed, shirt pushed up, hands clutching feverishly at the flat table finding nothing to grab on to.

Egon smirked, loving the look of desperation on Alex's face, knowing that he was completely and utterly at his mercy now. And as Egon looked over him, his eyes trailing up and down his body, it was like Alex's features became bolder, brighter, more handsome. He looked like a perfect specimen to him, to the point where Egon almost couldn't take his eyes off of him.

"I'm going to make your day today..."

“What are you going to do?” Alex asked, although he really didn’t need to know. He was okay with whatever. As long as Egon was happy with him, he’d do it.

Egon brushed a hand along the side of Alex’s stomach and Alex made a little hurt, punched out noise from his gut and curled into the touch, but it was gone almost as fast as it appeared.

"Just...just close your eyes for me and stay still for a minute." Egon's voice was heavy, and slightly out of breath. He was almost desperate himself, he needed this just as much as Alex, and he was willing to do whatever it took to make Alex want him and love him for the rest of his life.

Alex could almost physically feel Egon's desire in the air, his need for more, seeping off from him as it grew with every passing second. Egon's body was trembling, his breath quick and shallow.

”Okay…” Alex swallowed for the first time in a while, finding his mouth dry but his lips slick with spit. He felt slightly debauched, but he preened at the knowledge that it was Egon who made him this way. Only for Egon.

He sat patiently and waited for whatever Egon had next.

Egon watched as Alex closed his eyes, watching him with baited breath and a deep seated hunger his lips were practically quivering with desire. And as he watched, the hunger inside him only grew more intense.

Quickly, his hands traced along the top of Alex's body, down his sides, all the way down to his thighs, caressing and teasing his body, making sure there wasn't a single inch missed.

Alex whimpered. He felt crazed. Egon’s hands felt so large and warm, almost feverish. Everywhere he touched felt like it was melting. Alex was practically drunk off the feeling as he squirmed with every new press into tender flesh that Egon figured out could make him writhe.

Just the sound of Alex's squirms was enough for Egon to get worked up even more, each touch and each squeeze of his body had him trembling with desire, his body quivering with excitement, ready to explode out in a fit of sheer pleasure.

Egon's hands moved faster, his touches more firm. He was determined to tease every last ounce of sound out of him that he could.

“Please, enough teasing!” Alex begged. He was almost crying now. His heart has been racing this entire time. He still had one more secret to tell Egon and the longer the foreplay went on, the more nervous he got about telling him.

Hearing that voice break out in tears in response to his touches only sparked more hunger in Egon's chest, but when he heard the pleading come from Alex's mouth, that was enough to cause the last pieces of resistance to crumble. He had to. No more teasing, no more playing, this was the real deal. He needed him now.

"All right, yes, I will, just...just let me-" Egon said, but his words were cut short by his own mouth coming down hard against Alex's.

Alex moaned loudly. Perhaps the loudest one yet as Egon’s hands grabbed his hips and seared him against his pelvis firm. He could feel…a certain hardness against his leg as Egon’s tongue explored his mouth and practically stole his oxygen away.

Egon groaned into the kiss, the sound rumbling up from deep in his chest. He couldn't hold himself back much longer now, the only thing on his mind was getting more. More of this perfect body, more of the sound of his pleas and whimpers.

Egon's hand moved downwards, squeezing firmly and squeezing Alex tighter against him. It was all he could do to keep himself from pushing him down and taking what he wanted right then and there.

As Egon’s hand moved downward, Alex’s hand suddenly shot out and grabbed his wrist in a moment of blind panic and clarity. It shocked Alex as much as it did Egon and for a moment they both simply stared at one another, panting, flushed.

“Egon…Eg-I’m…” Alex started, trying to word something but seemingly choking on it. “I need to tell you something before…before we do anything else.” Alex’s heart was in his throat. He thought he wouldn’t even get past the admission of him being bisexual, he didn’t know how to breech this. “Egon…I’m transgender.” Alex swallowed, throat tight with want as much as it was with fear.

Egon froze, hand still in mid air when he heard the words coming out of Alex's mouth. His breathing stopped, his heart beating out of his chest, it was a miracle that he didn't fall off of the table he was sitting on. Egon just stared, his mind whirring a million miles a second, trying to process what Alex had just told him.

All movement stopped.

God.

God.

He’d ruined it.

Ruined it.

Alex’s face burned with embarrassment. He knew Egon wouldn’t want him after this. He just thought…he doesn’t know what he thought…that in some miracle Egon would accept him?

His face burns with more than embarrassment, with shame.

He gets ready for Egon to push off and potentially even hit him. For baiting him. For being…a freak.

"Say that again."

It wasn't the reply Alex expected. It wasn't words that expressed disgust or anger or shame, but something deeper- something that spoke volumes to the depth of his emotions for him. Egon was breathless, his mind a million miles a second, but the intensity of the words in his throat were only getting stronger. He needed to hear it one more time to make sure he wasn't just hearing things.

Alex swallowed.

“I’m…I’m transgender.” He said, voice barely above a whisper.

His hand gripped the table’s edge, he could reach it from where Egon had pulled him closer to his hips. He was sweating, both from being hot, so so hot, pressed up against Egon, but also from nerves and anxiety chewing at his gut.

Egon's stomach flipped, his heart racing as blood rushed to every inch of his body. His mind was completely overwhelmed by the news he was just told, and he felt the heat and the intensity growing inside him again. But this time it was mixed with something new, with a hunger that he's never experienced before.

"Just one question..." Egon asked, his voice thick and heavy with desire and love. His body was trembling with need now, his heart ready to explode into sparks and flames.

”Yeah?” Alex whimpered.

Egon reached forward, grabbing Alex's wrist, pulling him closer, almost into a hug so he could whisper something in his ear.

"Are you a man?"

”Yes” Alex squeezed his eyes shut and whispered. Egon was so close.

"That's all I care about."

Egon's breath was so hot and heavy as he spoke, it felt like his words were igniting the room. He finally let go of Alex's wrist, his body trembling uncontrollably as all the desire he felt before seemed to have reached its peak. He was ready to take him, to mold him into whatever shape he found most desirable.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Alex felt like he was going to pass out. Or die. Maybe both.

His head was practically spinning. Egon’s hands grabbed his hips harder and slid down, brushing the waistband of his pants slightly further, exposing his hips and the beginning of a small happy trail.

He could cry.

He was so happy.

He was crying he realized. Tears slipped from his eyes as Egon began biting at his collarbone again.

Egon was like a heat seeking missile, his mouth, his lips, his teeth moving to whatever place he could find that would generate the most response out of Alex. He couldn't get enough of him, his lips trailing down his neck, down to his shoulders, his hand caressing his hips as he slowly pulled him even closer so he could bite, and bite, and scratch, and maul, and love every inch of him like he was a starving animal after the meal that had been denied him for months on end.

”Egon-“ Alex whimpered. His hands clawed at the thin fabric stretched over Egon’s back. He had money to afford the expensive thick type, Alex knew exactly what he was getting paid, but he also knew Egon preferred practical. Something he loved about him. He wasn’t afraid to come back to the lab dripping in ectoplasm or singed with soot.

In fact, maybe now Alex would finally have an excuse to get all those ruined cheap shirts off him.

Alex kissed at Egon’s mouth when he could. Brief, wet, desperate kisses.

Egon's mind was filled with nothing but Alex now, the sweet sound of his cries, the feel of his fingernails digging into his back, the way his body fit so neatly against his own....he couldn't go back, he didn't want to, he didn't intend on letting go of him until he finally saw him broken, broken and his, his alone.

Egon's desire continued to grow with every passing second, his breath getting heavier, his movements becoming more aggressive. He needed more.

“Whatever you want. Do whatever- I Just- ah - I need more” Alex pleaded. He knew it was pathetic. Begging to be taken, especially by someone he admired so much. He wanted Egon to think he was an equal, someone to be taken seriously. Not just some…whore. Something cheap to be broken.

But…maybe…just maybe…

He would like to be Egon’s anything.

He could be Egon’s plaything if he wanted. He’d bend.

He’s submit. He’d even let Egon break him, as long as he put him back together at the end.

And he would.

Because he knew Egon.

He trusted Egon.

So…

“More” he begged.

Egon's mind was just pure adrenaline now, thoughts coming one after another like a machine gun firing. Thoughts of him, of how he made this boy want him so desperately, how he trusted him so much that he'd let him do anything, even let him break him...it was everything he'd ever dreamed of and now that it was actually a reality it was all he could think about.

Egon's hands slid down to his back, gripping him harder, pulling him closer as his breath got heavier and heavier…

Alex bucked his hips against Egon, and the sweet friction that was there for less than a second lit a spark in his mind. He felt like goo. He was a specimen. All for Egon.

Now that he thought about it…he wouldn’t mind being examined like a subject. Put on display for the doctor.

Alex shivered at the thought.

“I really-really want you” Alex breathed, clutching at him.

Egon's movements slowed down as he saw how much he was affecting Alex now, how his actions were making the man absolutely tremble with desire and need. He savored the feeling, enjoying the feeling of his own dominance and the power it gave him. He could make Alex do anything, make him do anything he wanted…

"I want you bad..." Egon breathed, his voice heavy and thick with need as his mouth came down to Alex's neck, kissing and nipping along the way. Egon was trembling all over now.

”Then do something about it,” Alex bit, and leaned back baring his neck to Egon who bit it with a feverish intensity.

Egon moaned, the sound echoing in his ears as he bit and nicked along the sensitive areas on Alex's neck.

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

Egon's grip on him had begun to loosen, but it was only so he could move one of his hands around to push Alex's hips forward and make him buck even harder against him.

“AH!” Alex jumped as one of Egon’s hands slid down his back and into the back of his pants. It cupped flesh, squeezing. Alex rocked against the touch, his front brushing against Egon’s feeling just how excited he was by this.

“I want more though…” Alex pawed at Egon’s neatly tucked shirt, finally managing to ruck the back up enough to grab skin just on the small of his back. He tried to pull him closer. “There are beds just a few rooms away you know…” Alex bit at Egon’s ear and got an almost growl-like sound in response.

Egon's mouth left his neck as he heard his ear being nipped on, making his grip on him tight again. He'd been thinking the same thing, the pull of their bodies together was too much to pass up.

"You know what? You're right..." Egon murmured, the only sound the deep breathing of the both of them as Egon began to push Alex towards the beds, eager for the chance to give him everything he wanted.

Alex stumbled blindly, stupidly, towards the bunk room. He knew which bed was Egon’s, and was suddenly thankful for the twin size, as it meant they would have to be as close as possible.

“Egon…” Alex breathed as he stumbled backwards onto the bed, Egon’s hands cupping his jaw. Alex begun to work on pulling the front of Egon’s shirt out of his slacks.

Egon's heart was pounding in his chest, the sound just loud and heavy in his head as he watched Alex start to pull down his shirt. His mouth was dry as all of the blood had rushed to his lower half at this point, making his entire body feel hot all over. He was practically shaking with every touch of Alex's hands as he held himself back at the moment. He could let himself go later, he had to wait just a few more seconds…

”Can I?” Alex asked, practically doe eyed as he looked up at Egon, flushed with lips wet with spit.

His hands fumbled with the zipper of Egon’s pants and the buckle of his belt. This was the only time he cursed how perfectly dressed Egon was. It got in his way of what he really wanted right now.

"Oh... oh yes.”

Egon's entire body was trembling in anticipation, his entire being was just craving for anything he could get from Alex and now to think that he was going to let him take off his pants to get to him....he was not going to last long if this continued.

Alex deftly and quickly undid Egon’s belt and zipper with a speed that told Egon he had done this before, and a primal, stupid part of Egon’s brain flared with jealousy. He wanted to kill whoever taught Alex that. Alex was his.

Alex yanked Egon’s slacks down and his briefs along with it. Quickly, he nosed along the V of Egon’s hips with the ferocity of a starved animal. He licked and kissed anywhere he could get his mouth to.

Egon couldn't stop the guttural sound of pleasure that came from his mouth, his legs wobbling with every touch of Alex's tongue and mouth. His breath was heavy and sharp, his body trembling with the intense desire now coursing through him.

Alex’s hands moved to cover whatever he couldn’t get with his mouth. He wanted this to be good for Egon. He wanted to be good for Egon. He made sure to keep his teeth out of the way, using his tongue mostly. He was still shy, new at this despite the fever with which he undressed Egon.

Suddenly, he felt a heavy pressure on the back of his head.

Egon’s hand.

Egon shoved ever so lightly, forcing Alex to go lower. He had to breathe through his nose now, which was new. His eyes watered up again, threatening to spill.

He liked this Egon though. This new, dominant, side. He liked the pressure of his hand, he liked being told what to do.

Egon's breathing was hot and heavy as he pushed Alex lower to him, his breath rushing out of his mouth with a guttural hiss as he pushed him lower and lower and lower. He needed what Alex was giving him now more than anything he had felt before. He wanted it, needed it, his entire body was trembling in a mixture of anticipation and pleasure, he was close, and he was close very very quickly.

Alex could feel Egon tensing up. He didn’t want this to end so soon but he didn’t know whether or not Egon wanted to go…that far with him.

Egon’s hand released up on his head slightly. Gently, the same hand came to brush sweaty hair behind Alex’s ear.

Egon was hot in Alex’s mouth. Like melting velvet. Alex could stay here forever, warm and fuzzy, doing whatever Egon says. Whatever makes him make the sounds he’s making now.

"Stop..." Egon breathed, his voice was thick and heavy as it was hard for him to get the words out. He was too close now, he needed to keep control of himself for just a little longer, to hold back a bit before he blew this early.

"Look at me." Egon hissed through his teeth as he grabbed Alex's hair and pulled him back up to his face like a demanding master grabbing his pet's leash.

Alex almost choked, pulling quickly off of Egon. His hands were strong, and huge compared to Alex’s face. It was a pretty picture for Egon. A flushed and hazed Alex, back arched, shirt ruffled and pushed up, midriff showing.

“Egon-“ Alex’s voice was hoarse. There was still spit connecting him to Egon.

Alex’s hands drifted to Egon’s thighs. He felt bad, he’d have to wash these slacks for Egon later. He was pretty sure he was going to have to wash this entire bed later.

"Put your hair back" Egon demanded, using all his strength to keep himself from grabbing Alex and pulling him back down for more.

He couldn't see anything else right now other than Alex. He wanted him. He needed him to be his.

Alex’s hair was short so he simply tucked it behind his ear. He blinked up at Egon and got the cue as Egon began tearing at the buttons of Alex’s shirt.

“Ah!-“ Alex tried to protest his shirt being destroyed but Egon simply kissed him and pushed him further up the bed towards his pillows.

“I’ll buy you a new one-“ Egon mended as he pulled the scrap off of Alex’s back and began working to undo his pants, still almost fully dressed himself.

Egon was now barely thinking, he'd let his desire take absolute control of him. He was practically ripping off Alex's pants out of the pure desire to be able to see more of his body. It was almost animalistic the way he was moving now, he couldn't even see straight. All he knew was that it was time to take Alex as his own, to possess him completely.

“Please-“ Alex coughed as he broke away from Egon to paw weakly at his pants, slug around his hips.

Egon kissed him animalistically.

”Baby,” Alex whined. The blood rushed straight to Egon’s lower half.

"Please what?" Egon said, his hands moving to pin down Alex's hands, taking charge of the situation now. He knew a guy like this didn't want to be in charge. The way Alex had been acting so shyly earlier, the way he'd begged Egon to take control made it clear he was just too…overwhelmed to have any kind of power in this situation. Egon let his mouth roam over his neck, gently scratching and biting wherever he thought would get a reaction out of him.

Alex’s breath was coming in shallow puffs now. His eyes rolled back in his head as Egon continued to make dark marks around his neck. He wouldn’t be able to cover them, they’d know. They’d know he was Egon’s.

“Please- doctor!” Alex begged. Egon’s hand roamed up Alex’s lower half, now completely open to him.

Egon stopped, his hands drifting down to his hips again to grip them. He liked how Alex's eyes rolled back into his head as he called him doctor. It made his heart beat to think that Alex would want him to be his doctor, even if it was just for this moment, because that was exactly the title he wanted right now. He wanted to do experiments on him, to see the inside of him, to break him down into all of his pieces, then putting him together again like a puzzle to make him exactly what he needed.

“Take me…” Alex swallowed, mouth dry, “Take me apart…” He finally managed to pull his lovers pants completely off and his shirt as well, leaving him in the same state as Alex.

He was glad the fire house was warm. Hot, even.

Maybe that was just them two.

Egon's entire body shivered at that one sentence. It was as though he could feel the heat radiate off of his own body, his heart beating so quickly that it almost hurt him.

This boy, Alex, he was exactly what Egon needed. Maybe not just for a few nights, but for forever.

"Then I will take you apart..." Egon said, it was almost a threat. No one else was getting him, he was his.

“Please,” Alex kissed Egon as he felt him move. This position was similar to the table, except now Egon towered even more-so over him.

They hadn’t grabbed any sort of…help…for this. It was just them. Bare. Alex hoped Egon was fine with that. He was on the pill after all.

“I want you-“ Egon kissed Alex to shut him up and moved. He felt hot. Much hotter than anything or anybody Alex had been with before. And his body was, larger. He covered Alex’s whole chest, and he could feel one of Egon’s hands tracing one of his top surgery scars.

Egon shivered again, his body shaking with both the desire he was feeling and the thought that there was nothing to stop them from going all the way, no condoms or contraception, nothing at all. He wanted to take Alex and to make him his, on every level.

Alex's scars were just a bonus to him, something he liked to see on another's body as it told more about who they were. He would always appreciate the scars Alex got, because it made him know Alex even more.

“I don’t need…prep,” Alex breathed. He flushed with the admission but it was true. He watched as the realization suck into Egon’s face and he grinned, devilish.

“Yeah?” Egon asked, petting Alex’s side sweetly. It amazed him how even in such heated moments like this Egon could be so sweet and shy.

“Was thinking of you while I…” Alex admitted in a breathy, sort of out of control voice before he could even think about what he was saying.

"You were?" Egon whispered back, his voice full of shock, it seemed almost impossible that Alex would think of him at all when he was alone.

"Just me?"

Egon's hands began to make their way over Alex's body again, stroking down his sides as he watched for his reaction.

“Only you.” Alex moaned as Egon’s hand teased him.

“Wanted to be Yours” Alex purred. He kissed the bridge of Egon’s nose, something he knew the other man was sensitive about, but to Alex, he loved it, it was strong and regal just like the man it was attached to.

"Oh..." Egon breathed as he heard Alex moaning and kissing his nose, he could feel his heart skipping a beat at that admission. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, he didn't expect anyone to ever tell him that they wanted him, let alone only him. His entire body was trembling now as he felt a rush of emotions all at once.

He lowered his face back to Alex's and kissed him deeply, unable to help himself at all.

“Please, please need you now, needed you yesterday,” Alex began to whine, clawing at Egon’s back freely now. He was sure he would leave faint red marks in his wake. He wanted to mark Egon as much as Egon wanted to mark him.

He drew his legs around Egon’s back and pulled him closer into his hips, barely pulling him in.

Alex grit his teeth. He was so hot. He felt like he had a fever.

Egon groaned at that as his grip on Alex tightened, his breath coming out sharp and heavy as he pressed himself into him with everything he had. His heart was racing and he could feel his vision blurring at the heat now, he was so worked up that it was becoming difficult to keep steady because everything that Alex was doing was sending him straight to the breaking point.

Alex’s whines and moans took a sharp turn into a higher register as Egon pushed home. It felt insane. He felt like he was full to his throat. He wanted to spend and entire eon here in Egon’s arms.

Egon’s moans took a lower register however, as he braced one arm bracketing Alex’s head, hair flung widely out onto the pillow behind him. Alex’s arm flew up to claw at Egon’s nape.

It reminded him of how this started, Egon’s finger slowly drawing up and down his head.

Alex felt drunk. Egon felt powerful.

Egon could feel Alex's back arching as he pushed deeper and deeper, each movement making Egon feel more and more dominant, more and more in control of Alex. He could hear the other man growling and moaning with each thrust as it drove him close to his limit, but Egon couldn't stop himself, he wanted even more.

”Egon- Doctor- I’m so close” Alex breathed. His eyes were brimmed with tears as Egon pushed against a spot inside him that made him see stars. His hand gripped into Egon’s back further, and he was sure his nails were breaking skin as he dug into him and pulled him closer, kissing him harder, teeth biting lips and clacking into each other.

Egon's lips were still locked to his, his mouth moving even as his body shivered at the pressure from Alex's hand. He was on the verge of losing it completely, he needed this release more than anything right now because he had come so far. He'd be lying if he said his actions weren't a bit selfish, but no matter what his intentions were, his mind wasn't thinking like that right now, all he could think about was taking more and more.

“Egon.” Alex’s voice tumbled into a softer tone without even meaning to. “I thi-uh-” he made stupid little punched out noises with every movement. Egon gripped his hand that was on his back and pinned it to the pillows behind his head with his own. He felt just as hot as Alex, if not more so.

“I think- think I’m in-“ Alex gasped and made a long pathetic cry as Egon slowly moved and held his position against him. “ITHINKIMINLOVEWITHYOU-” Alex jumbled out in a moment of happiness and haze induced fog as Egon, the man of his dreams, the guy he’s wanted for so so long, holds him and kisses him and presses into him.

Egon shivered at that admission, his chest feeling as though it were being crushed from the sudden rush of emotions that came from Alex's words. He couldn't even think right now, he wasn't thinking of anything other than this moment, this man he had wanted for so long was in his arms telling him that he loved him. Egon squeezed the boy tighter as he finally released him from the pressure and finally allowed himself to just rest his weight on top of Alex, holding him close.

Alex felt Egon tense, and one of his large hands came to grip Alex’s lower half. He pulled, and a few strokes later Alex’s back bowed and his eyes rolled and he made an absolutely pathetic whimper as he folded.

He was Egon’s.

Egon shivered again, his jaw was clenched tight as he tried to get everything under control and stop his entire world from shaking. Now that he had Alex here, he wasn't going to let him go. He was only his, he was finally his and Egon had never felt this good before as he felt a rush of pride flow through him. He would have to wait to ask if it was just a heat-of-the-situation statement or if it was the real thing, but right now it didn't matter. All he could think of was that he had him.

Egon felt heavy on top of Alex as he laid there after the fact. Alex didn’t have the strength to move him. He really didn’t think he wanted to move him. He felt… warm and full and he really had never been happier. He had the man he loved in bed with him…shit, he had just made love to the man he loved. Alex felt like he may explode despite being so wrung out.

He could still feel Egon’s hands rubbing softly at his hips, even despite him being exhausted. Alex felt a different part of him warm, his heart. Even despite everything Egon was still thinking of him first.

Egon didn't try to move either, he felt so incredibly content just laying on top of Alex, his body pressed firmly against him. Egon's fingers were still tracing over his hips, he couldn't get enough of the boy beneath him. He'd never felt like this before, Alex had a hold on him he didn't think he would ever have over anyone, in this moment he had finally been taken by someone, he had finally been possessed and he wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep with Alex in his arms.

”Egon.” Alex whispered a few minutes after their breathing had calmed down. Egon had shifted slightly to get off of Alex’s chest.

“I love you.” Alex breathed as Egon played with his hair.

He felt Egon smile against his shoulder.

"I love you too."

Egon's reply was simple, but he meant it with all his heart as he shifted off of him, laying beside him now. He was so comfortable and so content with him, he wanted to hold him this way for the rest of his life and he honestly didn't want to be anywhere else right now. His arm snaked around and wrapped tightly around him as he brought him closer to himself, holding him close while his finger played with the hair at the back of his head.

Alex nuzzled into Egon’s neck. He shivered as the last of Egon pulled out.

“Do ya’ think we could sleep here?” Alex asked, already sleepy. Egon had tired him out, and he was still partially in that fuzzy state in between conscious and pliable.

Egon’s hand wrapped further around him. He was warm and still slightly tacky with sweat.

Egon shivered as he felt Alex nuzzle into him again, he couldn't help but give a soft chuckle when he heard his request to sleep together, he was already getting used to being Alex's pillow.

"Yes, I do."

He was tired too and he let himself drift off with his body pressed against Alex's, his arm keeping him close even when his eyes were starting to shut and his heart was trying to slow back down.

Alex fell asleep peacefully and quickly that night. It was nice. He felt completely comfortable for once. He had half the mind to pull his boxers and Egon’s shirt on before completely drifting off and forcing Egon to at least pull his boxers on as well.

-

He was glad he did, because somehow both of them forgot to set any sort of clock beside any bedside table, and by the time Venkman got to the firehouse the next day, they had just enough time to hear the door on the first floor open to be able to wake up and rush to get things ready.

Egon sat up slowly when he heard the firehouse door slam open from the lower floor. He looked around, seeing Alex pull on his boxers next to him.

He had to be dreaming still because Alex had spent the entire night with him. Egon was already slipping on pants by then and Alex was up as well.

They both looked half dressed but it was enough to not raise suspicions that they had been with each other. For all Peter knew, Egon had simply spent the night in the lab and Alex had had a particularly good date. They shuffled blearily into the kitchenette, and belatedly, Alex realized all of Egon’s work was still across the table. He hoped it could survive a night of no refrigeration, he would’ve hated to have ruined all of his hard work. He didn’t look worried, so Alex was not panicked just yet.

Instead, Egon headed to the kitchen and started pulling down some pancake mix and a bowl from a higher shelf than Alex couldn’t usually get to without going on his tip-toes, and grabbing a pan from under the sink.

Alex sat at the same chair he had been accosted in last night and watched intensely. Egon looked so domestic. He had to borrow extra sweats and an old college hoodie in his locker here since his clothes were ruined last night. He was lucky enough to have another work outfit in his locker. So he didn’t have the luxury of pretending like the two of them had truly spent a night together like a real couple.

Even though they did.

Finally.

Instead, he was already internally preparing to make up some story about someone else if Peter asked about his neck. Thankfully, Alex was smart enough to keep any marks he left on Egon where only he could see them.

Egon was focused on his cooking, he'd made pancakes here a few times before but he was determined to make this a good breakfast for Alex, now that they were actually official.

He was too focused on that to notice just how much Alex was staring at him, watching him like a predator would prey.

It was a nice feeling to know he had this kind of attention. He finally looked over at him though and smirked at the sight before going back to cooking.

Alex knew he had to tear his attention away before Venkman came up here and caught on to something. He was half worried that the place still reeked of sex.

He had quickly thrown the sheets of his and every other bed into the washer with the help of Egon, along with their clothes.

In all terms, nothing was left of evidence.

But Alex kinda wanted there to be.

He really, really liked Egon.

Watching him cook pancakes, for him and Alex, providing like this without being asked, warmed his heart a little bit and he had to catch himself before his brain took off with the thought and started imagining 10 years in the future, to mornings just like this, except maybe with a few little feet running around.

Egon was actually feeling warm at the looks Alex was giving him, it made him feel good that Alex was looking at him like this, that he could make this guy so happy. Egon didn't think of the future, he was just focused on this moment, on making these pancakes. Once he had the batter properly mixed he set the bowl down and pulled out the frying pan, beginning to heat it with grease.

Alex didn’t think anything could ruin his mood today.

That was, almost.

-

After Egon had finished his pancakes, they had both eaten just as Peter finally came upstairs to see them. Apparently he had stopped to check on the car before coming up, so they had more time than they thought.

They conversed casually, and sure enough, as Alex bit into another bite of his pancakes, he watched Peter eye his neck suspiciously.

“WHO gave you those things newsboy?” He asked, smirking.

Alex felt Egon’s leg tense against his, but he didn’t stop eating or show any other sign of being startled, so that was good.

“Just some girl from the bar…” Alex mumbled.

He didn’t know if Egon wanted to be open about it. He wished he had gotten to talk about it with him before everyone had shown up for work the next day. They had a scheduled go over of what they were going to do with the vault and its size soon.

But it was interrupted.

As soon as everyone had crowded around the breakfast nook upstairs, the alarms rang and Janine was yelling from downstairs about some high level poltergeist at the manhattan library. Suddenly, just as fast as they arrived, the boys had taken off in the van, all suited up.

Egon spared him a fleeting glance, and it was packed with a lot, before he had shuffled in and they had flipped the sirens on and pulled off.

Well.

He may as well get some work done for the rest of the day while they were gone.

-

Egon had caught an expression out of the corner of his eye from Peter and Alex's exchange that he didn't like, his jaw was clenching as they were interrupted, but there was no chance to dwell on it right now. He was more worried about Alex, hoping he wouldn't get into any kind of trouble from the lie he'd told. As Egon was going into the van he gave Alex a glimpse of a look that said 'I'll talk to you about it later' before being shut into the van with the rest of the team.

-

Alex had busied himself until the van had pulled up again late in the day.

It was a bad bust. At least a rough one.

There was a loud noise of the garage opening and the van pulled in with the boys in tow. They hoped out one by one.

Peter looked tired, already smoking. Ray was talking frantically to Winston who didn’t seem to be paying that much attention, talking about dinner. And finally, Egon folded himself out of the tight door and seemed to be almost…smoking.

Not, like. Attractive-ness wise.

Like, legitimately smoking.

As in on fire.

Alex rushed over to see what was wrong, but as he approached Egon simply held up the smoking ecto-trap, still steaming from a big catch. He smiled tiredly and looked down at Alex.

Egon looked exhausted and in need of a good shower at the moment, sweat and ash covered him and Alex couldn't find a clean spot on him if he tried. He was panting heavily the moment he made it out of the van since the last ghost they had encountered had been one hell of a fight. His eyes immediately locked with Alex's when he started running over towards him and his face lit up with that tired, sweet smile. He was grateful that the one person he actually wanted to see right now was there to see him.

Alex looked towards the rest of the boys. “Okay boys, beds are freshly made. Go shower and while you do that I’ll order your favorite Chinese takeout!” Alex declared and he could practically feel Egon melt under his touch on his back with his words.

With that, everyone scuddled off to busy themselves.

Egon's shoulders sagged the moment he heard that, his expression suddenly becoming much more relaxed and calm. As soon as the rest of the guys left the room he had wrapped his arms tightly around him again, burying his face down into the crook of his neck.

"I don't feel like you give yourself enough credit Alex, I'm always fed well here."

His words were tired and scratchy, but he was still smiling as he squeezed him tight.

Alex nuzzled back, only slightly bothered by the singed smell of his uniform. That would have to be fixed later.

“Go shower, big guy.” Alex shoved Egon gently off him and towards the showers with the rest of the guys. He wanted him to be clean and feeling good before he gave him a warm meal.

Egon reluctantly let himself be pushed away but he still made good use of the rest room as he stripped off his sweaty clothes and headed into the shower. It wasn't easy to wash the thick layer of sweat and ash from his skin this far in but he was able to at least get it to the point where he didn't smell like he'd been standing next to someone on fire. He got out of the shower after about 20 minutes and put on a clean set of clothes he had kept up here.

As he searched for clothes, he realized a sweater from earlier was missing. He’d have to ask Alex if he’d seen where it had gone, maybe in with the clothes that they ruined last night.

Egon smiled smugly at the thought.

And here everyone thought he had no game.

He shook his head.

It was more than that.

He really, really liked Alex. He felt connected to him, on a deeper level than he did with anybody else on the team. He wanted to come home to him after a long day of kicking ass and saving the world, knowing he was safe and happy.

Egon smiled at the thought happily as he appeared back in the kitchenette, empty save for you even though everyone else had gone off to shower before him.

Egon was content with this moment right now, he was home and he didn't have to worry about his team for a little while longer. And even if Alex was still going through his stuff, and stealing it to wear home, he didn't have any concerns.

"I'm back, how have you been holding up here?" He asked, walking into the kitchenette with a small, gentle smile as he leaned up against the counter. Egon just wanted to keep talking with Alex for a little while longer before they had to actually get busy with work things.

Alex opened one of 3 bags of Chinese food he had ordered while the rest of them were showering.

“I’m okay. That bust looked rough. Wanna’ talk about it?”

Alex asked, bumping his hip playfully against Egon’s in an attempt to keep the mood light even though he knew sometimes talking about scary or close-call busts made Egon get antsy.

Egon's face was still a little bit strained after the bust but he couldn't help but smile when he noticed Alex was trying to keep the mood light, Egon liked that part of him. He couldn't help but chuckle as Alex bumped his hip against him, he knew Alex was trying to help. When the topic of the bust came up, Egon tried to dismiss it.

"Oh it was nothing, the ghost was just a bit stronger than expected but it turned out fine. Don't worry about it."

Alex could tell he was dodging him, but he wasn’t going to push. Egon would come to him when he was ready.

Or, he maybe he could take out his stress with busts a different way now.

Either way, Alex didn’t mind for now.

Presently, he focused on getting the food out of the bags and cleaning Egon’s makeshift science lab off the and onto the counter.

Alex was glad. It looked like they had all survived the night and were doing fine. Egon didn’t seem fussed with him moving them either. Just watched, enraptured, leaning over the rest of the kitchen with arms folded as Alex moved methodically.

Egon's eyes kept on moving from his food to Alex and back again, that sweet smile never leaving his face as he admired the way he went about his work. Egon's stomach was rumbling now that that sweet smell was filling the kitchenette, the smell of the fresh food just making his stomach growl. His hand reached out to try and grab a piece of the food but each time he reached his hand out he stopped himself, not wanting to eat until Alex had a chance to eat something too.

Alex playfully batted at his hand. “Let me grab the others, they went to grab beers from the basement freezer.”

Alex swung himself quickly around the fire pole a few yards away and Egon watched him quickly drop out of view rolling his eyes.

Always dramatic.

Alex was the one that used that silly pole the most despite only being a desk jockey and a PR Princess for the team.

Egon chuckled a little bit as he watched Alex take the fire pole, as much as he thought it was a bit much he was more impressed that Alex could actually pull it off. Egon got too lost in his own thoughts to notice that Alex had left until he was back in just a minute or two with the other guys in tow.

Alex bounded up the stairs and gleefully placed a cold 6 pack down in the center. Janine was even in tow behind the rest of the guys.

Egon smiled gently. It was perfect. All his favorite people.

Alex brushed up against him, smiling with a specific warmth meant only for him.

He clapped his hands together happily. “Okay guys!” He addressed everyone and gestured to the wide spread of Chinese food in the center of the table, with the beer as the centerpiece. “Dig in!”

Egon felt like something had suddenly and unexpectedly popped into place in his life. Like something was just ever so slightly out of alignment, and in this particular moment it all became very, blindingly clear.

It was all perfect.

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Final notes: woah!! Okay so that was a long story sorry everyone I have brainrot. Not responsible for my own actions but honestly we need more good ftm shit on this website so I took it upon myself. Hope everyone enjoyed but look out for more stuff soon because I finally feel like actually writing yayyyy :333

[joys-of-everyday]

The more I think about it, the cultivation world and academia are similar. High drop out rates? Reverence towards the people who 'make it to the end'? Meritocracy but not really? Age old 'talent' vs 'hard work' vs 'privilege'? Possibly just side effects of being learning institutions but yeah. Anyway, headcanons for peak lords as professors.

SQQ (SY) The chill professor everyone loves. Is often absent for months at a time doing field studies but comes back with loads of cool stories. Has a tendency to veer off course and everyone's grades may suffer because of how little time is actually spent on examinable material, but at least you'll enjoy yourself. He says he's only there for the fun and doesn't do much research, but you've spied a number of very big names going to him for advice. If you manage to make him drunk, his personality does a 180 and he complains extensively about everything, including his latest webnovel obsession.

og!SQQ (SJ) The salty professor everyone hates. Obsessed with rankings and citation counts, has a constant rivalry with LQG, and does the absolute minimum when it comes to undergrad teaching because he thinks it's a waste of time. He's convinced there's an agenda against him because he didn't get funding for the third time in a row and takes it out on the students. But damn does he know what he's talking about, and you've heard he's actually a genius, albeit one with complicated background. The few phd students he has are utterly enamored with him.

SQH Everyone forgets that he's not a student, including himself. When he teaches, it feels like he's giving a presentation and waiting for feedback. He answers questions with questions. Nobody knows what research he's doing, including the other members of department. Both Shens and LQG alike think he's a waste of space. But he seems to have some mysterious connections to a very fancy research facility up north.

LQG Absent professor. Literally cannot teach. Reads off last year's notes (written by other people) and calls it a lecture. But he's got many fancy awards under his belt for his research and the rest of the department talk about him with awe in their voice. If you take work to him, he will undoubtedly rip it to shreds, but not in a mean way. Half the students hate him. Half the students make him a meme. A few of them worship him like a god.

YQY The nice one. He teaches amazingly, heads a healthy research team, and has some banging papers under his name. The students know him as the best teacher, but behind the scenes he is literally keeping the department together. Wrangles with management and does a lot of outreach stuff on top of all of this. The students are convinced he literally lives on site because they keep seeing him at weird hours of the day. This is half true.

MQF The Professor. When you say 'professor', MQF is the person who comes to mind. The students think he is actually a robot, because they've never seen him do anything other than his job. His teaching is adequate but without personality, and he is extremely mild mannered. Unbeknownst to them, he is known as the 'mad scientist' of the department - he has a bizarre attitude to safety and often goes utterly crazy with experiments which are only just toeing regulations. A pioneer of his (somewhat niche) field.

QQQ Social justice warrior. The one who actually strikes when there's a strike on, and organises all of the diversity events. The student have mixed views on her. She struggled against a very sexist department back in her day and still gets a lot of hateful feedback, so she's learnt to take zero fucks. Which is cool but also means a lot of valid criticism gets taken as personal attacks. With all the drama, everyone seems to forget that she's actually a really big name in the field, receiving some fancy awards around the same time as LQG. Her phd group is surprisingly chill.

[sozoglam]

Hellooo! I recently found you via pinterest with your renders, came over here, did some light research by venturing to the edges of the universe, stepping foot into gods fortress and slaying his mighty soldiers to venture into the deep libraries within to find out that you have major enjoyment for Aiden (from mcsm, though I thiiiink that one is obvious lol) and I wanted to ask you what your personal headcanons for him were? On top of this, if you do respond to my ask would I be able to use some of the headcanons you have for my book I'm writing? I have some headcanons for him but he isn't as developed so I was curious what yours would be (I also don't find many Aiden enjoyers so I figured asking would help a lot for the lack of headcanons I see on him versus Petra, Lukas, Jesse, etc etc.) Sorry it's long 😅 hope you're having a wonderful day/night otherwise!!

first of all NEVER APOLOGIZE for sending me a big ass ask. i love nothing more than to read and answer stuff instead of going to sleep

and you are in luck bc i have TONS of aiden hcs so prepare yourself!!!!!

hes really into sketching shit. not full-blown artistic work, but he got into sketching monsters and neat stuff. how did he get into this you ask? well! its becdause! at highschool he befriended a kid in the dungeons and dragons club who would exchange snacks and test answers for aiden to sketch them their campaigns' monsters. the hobby kinda stuck with aiden so he makes a ton of monster sketches now

highkey FLUNKED his english classes. bro is illiterate asf

listens to metallica. tells everyone he listens to metallica. tells everyone its his favorite band. however maya and gill secretly got him into some more niche bands such as ghost and dream theater

was a drama / theater kid in middle school, but quit because it "made him look weird"

night owl. is NOT a morning person and will never wake up before noon under any circumstances

probably plays some first person shooter games. is a rager 100%

fav first person shooter is ultrakill

is CRAZY on the drums. im talkin mike portnoy level good. if you want an example listen to "panic attack" by dream theater

actually tried to start a band with the ocelots but they quit when aiden kept trying to take everyones role and be the center of attention (he cant sing for shit)

"thinks labels are stupid" when referring to his sexuality

probably kissed lukas at least once in highschool idk

is a terrible kisser.

5'6 or 5'7 idk (height)

bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder

had severe anger issues as a kid that never fully got sorted out due to neglective or downright abusive parents

father is probably an alcoholic

which honestly. aiden might go down that same road in the future considering his loneliness and similar treatment in the sky city prison

like father like son?

destined to be alone <3

[fachefaucheux]

Why I Read (and write) Romance

Yes, I know, I was doing that WriteFest thing and I really need to report back on it, but, hey. This is something that has been nagging at me even more pointedly than my obligation to give a decent update. So I thought I'd write on it for a little while so that maybe I can return to the humdrum business of research afterwards and actually focus on it for more than ten minutes at a go.

One comment that I get from time to time in feedback goes something like this:

Wow! You clearly put a lot of thought into the world-building of this story! So many details! So much depth! It's just too bad about all that romance stuff, otherwise I'd love this. :(

I'd be lying if I said this didn't make me discouraged at times. I'm sort of stuck in an in-between genre -- too much fantasy/historical bullshit for romance readers, and too much romance for fantasy nerds. But I think that I'd lose my passion for writing if I wrote about anything other than my niche interests. Those being, in no particular order: historical nonsense, the strange and macabre, and idiots in love. Today, I want to talk about the idiots.

I say idiots with the deepest, most heartfelt affection. At the end of the day, aren't we all idiots, at least about one thing or another? And, at the end of the day, none of us are bigger idiots than we are when we're in love, be it with an idea, a subject, or another person.

Romance readers come to the genre for different reasons. Some like the escapism, the fantasy. Others really like in-depth exploration of characters, and a really effective way to do that is to put two people together and play them off each other. But I think one of the key drives, at the heart of it all, is being seen. Being understood, to a certain degree, even if a reader doesn't prefer to see themselves transferred 1:1 onto the page as the main character.

Which I, for one, do not. The more 1:1 the MC is to me, the more I intrinsically cringe away and want to close the book. Much like how I approach dealing with last night's dishes moldering away in the sink, I have to come to terms with relating to characters sideways, sneaking up on the places where we overlap rather than confronting them head on. Romance is a safe place where I can look at those places where I overlap with characters -- both in good and ugly ways -- and process them.

This can be accomplished in any genre, really. But I feel like it's amplified to the max in romance. I think a big part of it for me is the aspect of choice. When I read about parents and children falling away from each other then coming back together, or siblings getting into arguments and hashing things out, there's almost always this sort of air of inevitability to it: this person is my blood, I am stuck with them whether I want them or not, so here's how I'm going to deal with it. Friendship has the element of choice, but it isn't often portrayed with the same level of emotional intensity and commitment that romance is. (At least in the modern, bog standard Western imagining of it. I'm 100% here for depictions of friendship from different times and places and in different scenarios where that intensity of feeling on point! But it's regrettably hard to find.)

Romance is special in that the love interest chooses the MC. The love interest has no inducement to commit themselves fully to this big bag of jumbled up parts that is the MC -- even in the good 'ol arranged marriage trope, there's no obligation to care, even if rings are exchanged. But the love interest sees both the good parts and the bad, accepts them, and commits 100% to loving them, at least once the last page is turned in a happily-ever-after romance. (Which is all I read -- I deal with enough depressing stuff in real life to want to inflict a bad end on myself in my free time.) And it very often goes both ways -- something the MC once considered weird/unsightly about the LI suddenly becomes beautiful when viewed through the lens of knowing them. Or, at the very least, those warts become understandable. Relatable. Worth it.

That choice, that decision to take the leap and jump into a romantic relationship with all its attendant commitments, comes from that place of understanding. Of having seen enough of the MC (or LI) to understand why he must always get out of bed each morning on the left foot, or why he is suspicious of everyone, or full of shame, or why he can't ever be bothered to remember to lock the front door. Maybe these particularities are just something that need to be accepted, or maybe they're something that the character is actively working to overcome. Either way, that action, through the lens of love and romance, is at least seen by the other half of the equation. Even if full understanding sometimes remains a bit out of reach.

And by watching these people bumble through life, coming to see each other's parts and fighting to understand them, I think that readers also feel seen through them, in a secondhand way. Or even come to a new way of seeing themselves, by having that one bad habit they can never quite shake perceived not through the lens of their own self-critical thoughts, but by a lover who thinks of it as a strength rather than a fault.

Of course, this is not the end-all-be-all of romance. Some things are just, you know, neat. Fun. Enjoyable. Make the good brain chemicals flow. But I think what separates the "fun to read" romances from the ones that hit me really hard are the ones where a degree of mutual understanding is achieved between the characters. Maybe I could also achieve this with something besides a romantic relationship. But...well. 

All the romance business just makes the hard work of coming to terms with each other and ourselves more fun.

[philosophygirl]

being a philosophy major sounds so cool but what sort of classes do u have to take? since i assume theres only so many philosophy and ethics classes haha. also, what do u think you’ll do with your degree?

ngl i wish it was like in the past when people were literal philosophers for a living lol that sounds so cool

You can still be a philosopher for a living! I'm aiming to either do that and/or be a writer. They're usually professors or research staff that earn grants from a university for writing papers or books. There are lots of famous modern philosophers that still just sort of sit around and say "well some things ARE and some things are NOT" and technically get paid for it! See David Chalmers, Peter Singer, Ted Sider, Susan Wolf, Eric Olson (I've had to cite all of them 😵‍💫).

You can also be a lawyer which is a super popular route. I aimed for it but it was NOT for me even though I need the money. Other people who follow their philosophy degrees are physicians, neuroscientists, writers, activists, anthropologists, stuff like that...

There's endless classes since philosophy is basically asking questions about things and then DESTROYING other people with FACTS AND LOGIC (but sometimes changing your worldview based on whatever is presented in class).

Philosophy isn't all ethics and studying dead guys. My favorite branch is metaphysics, which means I play with imaginary weird stuff like time travel, space, souls, aesthetics, so on. So there are lots of sub-genres of philosophy arguments: about politics, animals, ai, etc. Majors also usually have to take several courses on the history of philosophy (western and non western).

Formal logic or informal logic is usually required; it's basically math with letters and arguments, and super hard.

Literally terrifying and usually used in real philosophy 😔. They have played us for fools.

In the upper division classes, things usually get more niche and build on basic philosophy ideas. Philosophy is basically arguments upon refutations and arguments, built on one dialogue, lasting forever, starting with one guy in Greece. It's basically like an Avatar cycle of hardasses and people who hate women ☹️.

But really the main thing to do in philosophy classes is reading and writing. A lot. Lots and lots of concise, logical writing, which I was really bad at at first (because high schools train you to do research papers and long persuasive arguments) but am now okay at and I enjoy it. Some of these philosophers are really insane, but have somehow logical views on how the world works which I find really fun. Philosophy professors are also sometimes kooks and I love them.

I hope this answered your question and thanks for letting me ramble