#(but i'd like to think that that being made harder doesn't mean it's impossible. i've had enough good medical professionals to know that)

[uncanny-tranny]

If this is too personal a question I fully understand (if so: sorry and I hope you have a great day!), but I was just curious:

Why were you using 1/3 of a bottle of detergent for your clothes? was it a ocd compulsion situation/anxiety thing or something else entirely?

thank you for reading, and please do know that you truly bring a lot of good to this world! <3

No clue if it was OCD, an otherwise compulsion, or just a quirk, but it definitely wasn't helpful that in that instance, I was shut down entirely.

Which is why it's so important to actually listen to patients, you know? Like, not only was I not listened to, but if this were a serious issue (it actually has become a larger issue now that I'm an adult with my own income, admittedly), it wouldn't have be addressed at all. There are so many small ways that therapists, psychiatrists, authority figures, whomever, really, just... ignore problems because they're convinced that they're just infallible and the person they're addressing is, like, inherently beneath them.

[libraryofgage]

PJO Steddie Part Three

Part One | Part Two

I hope y'all are ready for some backstory in this bitch hfdjsk

Anyway, we learn some more godly parents, but one remains a mystery for now.

Also, if you like my writing, maybe consider commissioning me! I have, like, student loans hitting harder than I'd like, so I've opened commissions on ko-fi. You can read more about prices and such in this post.

Anyway, hope you have fun reading! And, as always, if you see any typos no you didn't ;)

---

Getting to Athens, Tennessee, had required a mix of bus rides, a single divine taxi ride, and a pair of knock-off winged shoes that Eddie should probably put out of their misery before they get him killed. Getting back to camp, thankfully, only requires the van Steve and the kids use to get around.

Said van, at first glance, looks like a hunk of junk. It seems to have stepped right out of the 80s, its paint is faded and scratched with dents in more than a few spots, and the wheels look about two tiny potholes from popping. As they get closer, Steve pulls a key ring from his pocket, and Eddie notices that it's a physical key and not one of the wireless fobs.

When they get inside, though, the whole van is transformed. The seats are made of the softest leather Eddie has ever felt, there are seven in the back for all the kids to be comfortable without arguing about space, and the sheer number of cup holders is enough to bring Eddie near tears. "This is fucking metal," Eddie says, practically melting into the passenger seat as the kids buckle up in the back and Steve starts the van.

"I got it after we outgrew my BMW," Steve says, shrugging as he checks on the kids and Eddie before pulling out of the parking lot.

"Steve says it's a surprise gift from our father," El pipes up from the back.

"Yeah," Dustin says, his voice excited as he leans forward and pokes his head between Steve and Eddie, "Cuz he doesn't know he bought it!"

Steve snorts and pushes down the bill of Dustin's cap as he heads towards the highway.

"So, is Zeus your dad, too?" Eddie asks, twisting around to look at El.

"No. Steve and I share a human father," El explains.

Even without looking, Steve can feel Eddie's confusion. "I try not to think about how I came into being," he says. "Just know our father seems to be a bit of a slut for Greek mythological figures."

"Wait," Eddie says, waving his hand, "does that mean Zeus was, like, a woman? Is Zeus your mother?"

"No clue. Like I said, I prefer not to think about it," Steve says again, shooting Eddie a look.

And Eddie drops it despite his growing questions. When a gorgeous boy tells you to stop asking about the impossibility of his birth, you shut up and listen.

A while later, as Steve is about to drive over the Tennessee state line and the kids doze off in the back, Eddie glances at Steve and shifts in his seat. His leg starts to bounce, his fingers drumming against his knee, as he tries to figure out which question to ask first. Eventually, he ends up blurting out, "So how did you manage to not die?"

Steve blinks and snorts, stifling the rest of his laughter so he doesn't wake the kids. He glances at Eddie, an amused smile tugging at his lips. "Well, how much of the story do you want to hear?" he asks.

"All of it." Eddie wants to know everything about Steve. How has he kept all these kids alive and for how long? When did they start traveling the country like this? When did he learn about his heritage? What does he like? What does he hate? Does he believe in fated love and love at first sight?

Okay, that last one can probably wait a little longer. Like, two more days, at least.

Steve hums softly, tapping his thumb against the steering wheel as though he's trying to decide where to start. "I didn't know about Zeus until I was eleven," he finally says. "I only learned then because my dad couldn't figure out any other explanation for how lightning struck on clear days whenever I was angry at other kids."

"Didn't you have to deal with monsters?" Eddie asks.

"Yes. And no." Steve frowns, rubbing the back of his neck. "You know how in all those stories Zeus will change his form to get with all those women? Like, he'll become whatever he needs to get what he wants."

"I'm familiar, yeah."

"It's a little like that, but I don't change my form. I guess I change my vibe? I can make monsters think I'm the son of a lesser deity. It got even easier when El came along because monsters don't target her."

"Why not?" Eddie asks, perking up some. If El has somehow figured out how to make herself invisible to monsters, maybe other campers can learn, too.

Steve grimaces, and Eddie immediately pushes back the urge to push for more information when he says, "It's...complicated. Let's not get into it right now."

"Okay," Eddie says, flashing Steve what he hopes is a reassuring smile when Steve glances at him. "When did you meet El, then?"

"Five years ago now, when I was fifteen. El's mother showed up, dropped her off with me, threatened me with death if she ever got hurt, and then left. El was, like, just eleven at the time, and our dad was no help. He just shrugged it off and gave me a bigger allowance to care for her."

"Was he not around?"

"No. He...travels. We haven't spoken to him in four years. He hasn't tried speaking to us, either. Despite me literally being Zeus's kid, he can't exactly show me off or anything. And El...well, he can't take her to any functions, either."

Eddie nods, pushing down the urge to ask why. But Steve said he doesn't want to talk about it, so Eddie instead asks, "And what about the rest?"

Steve hums, merging into another lane. "Well, El and I stayed in place for about a year. Then we saw some weird snake monster dragging Will around like a road snack. We saved him, but I almost died. It was my first fight, you know? But I lived, obviously, and El and I agreed to take Will back to his hometown. School was one break anyway, so we just did a road trip in my BMW. We ran into Dustin and Mike along the way. Dustin had made these, like, mechanical wings, and Mike was goading him on to give them a try. We got to the cliff right as Dustin jumped off."

"Wait," Eddie says, holding his hand up to pause Steve's story. "Are you telling me the kid just...decided to recreate Icarus?" he asks.

"Yeah, pretty much. He thought he could actually succeed since he's so much smarter," Steve explains, getting an amused grin as he thinks of it. "Anyway, didn't work, obviously. Dustin fell but managed to catch himself on the cliffside, Mike was yelling his head off but not actually doing anything, and El just took off running toward them. Which meant I had to run toward them, too. So, Will is trying to calm Mike down, El is practically dangling herself over the cliff, and Dustin is lamenting the loss of his wings."

"How'd you rescue him?"

"I just climbed down myself," Steve says, shrugging like it's no big deal. "I had him get on my back and climbed up, chewed both kids out for doing something so dangerous, and then asked if they needed a ride home, which is how I found out they'd run away and were just wandering."

"Half-bloods running away is pretty common," Eddie says, sinking down in his seat as he watches the trees rush by in the darkness. "A lot of us don't feel understood by our human families, or we don't want to endanger them when monsters track us down."

Steve nods, gripping the steering wheel a little harder. "Yeah, that's what Dustin and Mike said, too. I couldn't just leave them alone, so I invited them to come with us. Mike and Will get along really well, and Dustin is a little shit, and it's good for El to have friends her own age, so it all worked out."

"That still leaves out three whole kiddos," Eddie says.

"Well, Lucas and Erica we met in Will's hometown. Their dad and Will's mom had found each other and, like, bonded over having demigod kids. When we brought Will back, we met Lucas and Erica at this, like, barbeque thing to celebrate him being safe. And their parents ended up suggesting that we continue the road trip so the kids could be around others like them before school started again."

"Usually," Eddie says, fiddling with one of his rings, "parents go two ways. They either get really obsessed with keeping their kids safe to the point they're never let out of the house, or they completely ignore and reject the godly influence. But it sounds like their parents weren't doing either of those."

"Having each other helped. There was someone they could turn to when they felt doubt or just wanted to complain. When you're isolated, though, you just do whatever you think will keep you going, even if it might hurt the people you care about."

"You put that...really well."

"I've had a lotta time to think about it," Steve admits, frowning slightly before sighing and continuing with the story. "Anyway, we met Max and her brother a few towns over. It's...not a great story, actually. Her brother was a dick, like, massively horrible. He had a lot of problems and took way too much after his godly father in terms of anger. We ended up fighting because of how he treated Max and it didn't end great, but Max joined us and that's when I realized we needed a new car because the kids were piled on top of each other in the back. We got this conversion van in the next town with my dad's credit card, and we've been traveling ever since."

It's a lot to take in, and Eddie can tell there's a lot that Steve is leaving unsaid, but he doesn't call him out for it. "Okay, so, the whole not dying thing?" he asks.

Steve snorts. "Well, when you're chaperoning a gaggle of demigods, you get good at fighting off monsters. We've also had some...help along the way from a few goddesses, though."

Eddie perks up, looking at Steve like he's an alien. "You got help from goddesses? Which ones?"

"Sometimes, I'll pray to Hestia and she'll direct us to a motel with vacancies that'll be safe for the night. Or, uh, Demeter. I'll pray to her and fruit will grow on some trees or something. Hecate treated us to lunch once, said she found us amusing, and thanked me for the entertainment. Nike, Lucas, Max, and I have all played basketball together. I mean, she smoked us, no question, but she's part of the reason this van can run a few more miles without any gas. Hera helped once, sorta."

"Hera helped you? Hera? The goddess notoriously known for hating children of Zeus? That Hera?"

"Yeah, kinda surprised me, too. But, I mean, she's also the goddess of motherhood or something, right? And all she really ever wants is Zeus to be faithful. I don't think it's too much to ask, and I can't imagine the bullshit she goes through because of him. Anyway, we were getting attacked by this hydra, and I was really struggling to protect the kids. I mean, those heads were practically tearing me apart. And then she just, like, walks up and flicks her hand and the thing is gone. She told me to do better and then, like, disappeared. Not the weirdest thing that's happened, but it's up there."

And Eddie is starting to understand how they're not dead. It's just Steve. Like the prophecy was just Steve. Somehow, he's managed to get himself into the good graces of several goddesses and get their help. It's not entirely unheard of to get a god's favor, but having so many just be genuinely interested in you is unthinkable.

Eddie gets it, though. Steve fascinates him. He's like a magnet that Eddie doesn't want to fight. "So, uh, the kids," Eddie says, trying to keep his mind from lingering on Steve and just how incredible he is, "Who are their parents?"

"Lucas and Erica are kids of Aphrodite."

"Oh, does she like you, too?" Eddie asks.

Steve frowns, looking like he's just been reminded of something sour and gross. "No, we're not on good terms," he says, his voice a little frosty, and Eddie's mouth is suddenly dry.

"Good to know," he manages, his voice a little strained.

"Anyway, Dustin is a child of Athena. Max's mom is Nemesis. Will's dad is Morpheus, and Mike's dad is Plutus. Which has worked out well for us, actually. He keeps finding money on the street whenever we really need it."

"What about El?"

"El's mother...is complicated. We don't really talk about her," Steve says, his words soft and pleading, and Eddie immediately zips his mouth shut, winking conspiratorially at Steve when he glances over.

Then he unzips his mouth and says, "You know, you're pretty metal, Stevie."

Steve laughs, quickly slapping a hand over his mouth and glancing in the rearview mirror to make sure the kids are still sleeping. When he sees that they are, he relaxes a little. "I've never been called metal before," he says, glancing at Eddie.

"Well, that's a shame. I'll be sure to tell you whenever you're being particularly metal, big boy."

"Big boy?" Steve asks, amusement clear in his voice, and Eddie suddenly worries that Steve doesn't actually like the nickname but it trying to play it off.

Unfortunately, the problem is that Eddie has never been one to filter himself. So when Steve calls him out for the nickname and he panics, Eddie's knee-jerk reaction is to say, "Oh, would you prefer something else? How about pretty boy? Sweetheart? Gorgeous? Handsome?"

Even though it's dark out, Eddie can still see the blush that spreads across Steve's cheeks, the way his fingers tighten on the wheel until his knuckles turn white. He's getting flustered, and Eddie feels himself getting flustered, too, at the idea that it's because of him. He suddenly wants to see what else he can say or do to make that blush spread, and he wants to know just how far it spreads beneath the collar of Steve's shirt.

"Just, uh, whatever you prefer, I guess," Steve mumbles, keeping his eyes resolutely focused on the road and missing Eddie's surprised expression. He does, however, sneak a glance just in time to see the surprise morph into an unbridled grin.

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Eddie says, leaning back in his seat and looking forward to spending the rest of this road trip discovering what makes his Stevie tick.

----

Tag List! There is still room, I think lol

@mugloversonly, @mentallyundone, @hairdryerducks-blog, @carriethesaint, @lunabyrd, @weekend-dreamer7, @farfaras, @littlelady03, @my-tears-are-becoming-a-sea20, @mogami13, @a-little-unsteddie, @itsall-taken, @queenie-ofthe-void, @tinyplanet95, @littlebluejane, @hangoversandhandgrenades, @rabbitwhoeatsstars, @bisexualdisastersworld, @steddieinthesun,

@paintgonewrong, @sadcanadianwinter, @deehellcat, @blanketlicker, @angrydonutdestiny, @booksareportal, @fallingchemicaldiscos

[ddoxhan]

happily ever after

I wished, but wonders only exist in fairytales

word count : 0.7k words

genre : angst; hope was dreadful yet she showed you, wonders

tw : none ?? though it's quite depressing

a/n : uni has been taking a toll on me with assignments and expectations :') trying my best to cope with it and I'm not losing :3 enjoy !!

a day, 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds. what are the chances that I'd be able to get past these dreadful numbers? and all of them make up only one day out of the many I've endured. I'd try so hard to remind myself that I've got people around me who cherishes my presence so I need to get past these life obstacles. but what if I said, I don't think I deserve to be part of anyone's life because all I am is just a burden and nuisance.

that's just how I've felt, for almost my entire life. if not entire, majority. sometimes I'd get that feeling that I don't deserve to be happy, delighted with the fact that I am so blessed with supportive parents and great friends. I still felt alone, no matter whatever moment we've spent together. It's like I'm bound to this feeling of solitude that would never leave for life, regardless of whether I have people in my life or not.

I've grown tired; tired of whatever life had been throwing at me. when one problem seems to be solved, another kicks in and have me worrying and overthinking it. sometimes it doesn't even need the completion of one problem for another to start. every year, I'd wish for it to be better than the previous one. I'm not even close to half a century and not even to the half of that.

what have I done wrong in my past life? what have I done wrong in this life? why does it feel like I'm being punished for my wrongdoings that I am not aware of? am I not trying hard enough to live this life? every time I throw these questions, there aren't any answers to them. one may think I'm too pessimistic to see the brighter side of life, but was there a brighter side to mine in the first place?

questions with no answer, conversations with no reply, sounds with no echo. emptiness would be the appropriate word to explain whatever I'm feeling right now. I've fought every minute till I feel nothing anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore.

my world revolved around trying to live normally, but was it at the cost of happiness and contentment? trying to live normally only resulted in me being not sociable enough, not striving academically enough, not active enough. just not being enough. I was not enough to be someone who could survive society.

there were days I'd wake up with no worries at the back of my head. however, those days could only stay in the past and never have one again. because I am growing, and I can only wish that I never become an adult as becoming one would only mean I'm expected to suck it up. suck everything up till I'm only just a shell, with nothing else inside of me.

as if I'm not already trying my very best to suck everything up and be the mature one, more problems arise and solutions seem like an impossible achievement. I have only one wish now, is to live normally and see the ending of this eventful life. even if it means at the cost of myself.

at the end of the day, I will end up alone. so why give myself hope that happily ever after was the ending of my story? when every path I took never seemed to be the right one, ning yizhuo, you showed up, brought yourself into my life and just told me that maybe that my pain is a way of life. everyone goes through it but you just had it harder. you gave your everything to the world, then a time where the world gives back to you would come.

you made it seem like my problems were nothing compared when the world was against you. yet you stood your ground and became the best version you could be. being the total opposite of myself, I was attracted to you who was optimistic and strong, both physically and mentally.

and that's when I fell. in love? perhaps. but it didn't just stop there where it grew into admiration. you became my role model in life and it fueled my will to live on.

wonders were only in fairytales but you showed me that fairytales were real.

[listlessnessss]

I was discussing one of my blackpills among the repressor oracle and realized that transmasculinity has nothing to say and nothing to contribute to masculinity classic. It doesn't propose any sort of conceptual threat to men, as we try and climb up a ladder rather than take an immediate redpill, at least conceptually, there is no way for a woman to 'become a man' in any sense without the effort. (This and it being harder to be a trans woman are why ftm reppers are rarer, btw.)

This is why, in tandem with the lack of obligate social cohesion amongst males (with exceptions for marginalized male groups), many of us revert to woman in some sense. It has nothing to do with the inherent cunning duplicity and disingenuousness or illigetimacy of the individuals involved. The male alliance doesn't naturally exist and has to be artificially engineered to ideological ends or to attempt to fill some sort of need, either by the right or the left wing (toxic masculinity as a term wasn't created by complaining feminist women but rather a leftie men's 'alliance' type group, originally)-- when leftie men do this and discuss its intersections with trans, they mean the possibility that some of the men among them are... not... transfemininity poses a conceptual threat to men with which cis men must contend, and they're right to try, yes. they're not speaking to nor about ftms, the assumption is an automatic understanding with the group of origin(women) with queer people in general or a self-selecting tguy space. I'd argue that points one and two are obviously not always true but are for some reason taken as a given, and option three is a viable solution, but let's not pretend that masculinity is under any current social nor political pressure to absorb, it has not been taken to the same task that womanhood or feminism has. Yes, I mentioned that the marginalized group alliance thing exist for the males, too, and wouldn't ftms be that? Yes, you would think, but one must contend with the nature of that marginalization which is precisely that ftms are "not men". So unlike other groups, the 'base case default' of "trans" is not 'trans men'.

It is so funny to watch theorists self-styled or otherwise (go on trans twitter to see examples of this or read that medium article on 'trans masc misogyny and the red six of spades' for a summary) try so hard to avoid the next logical conclusion of 'trans women are women, and as evidence of this, they're victims of misogyny'... this argument has successfully been made, and I agree. But I also sort of think that both trans women and trans men are women and nobody on the left will ever say that but that's my blackpill. It is not a physiological blackpill, though I could spin the phrenology wheel of fortune but that's played out by every other shitty self hating trans person... this is a social, cultural, political blackpill. Again, as I've said, you may want the impossible, yes, but I will not use that against you, I will want the impossible with you and for you.

back to the medium article, it ends like this, after arguing that there's no specifically trans masculine experience: "Living on a border can mean feeling connected to everything and everybody. It can also mean feeling like nothing and nobody, particularly when the dominant culture refuses to admit that you exist. I believe it is the underlying threat of zero-ness — that fear of being canceled out, rendered unthinkable and illegible — that drives much shitty trans masc behavior." I'd argee with the author, but I'd say that the threat of nothingness and lack of conceptual existence has for us already materialized, and has been happening since forever. Curiously, no solutions to this problem are offered, but I think even though it's entierly mired in the nuances of twitter arguents between milennial microceleb wannabe public intellectual types, a culture which I couldn't give less of a fuck about personally, it's an interesting musing on the same problem.

I refuse to blame trans women for this problem, btw. And I will always acknowledge that I will always have it easier in general. But I think that the woobification and aggressively un-political and un-sexualized nature of 'transmasculine culture' is obligate, in that lack of any narrative at all and lack of a politically justifiable positive identification and lack of visibility does translate to material effects (we're more likely than not to eventually try out suicide: look it up) that memeified infantile complaints of 'erasure' don't do justice.

but I'm a dumb repressor and a self-identified autohomoerotic and a trender and a theyfab and refuse to just be butch and a faggot and have no lesbian past and am also a privileged bitch so idk.

[seraphic-sapphic-safehaven]

I know flag discourse is kinda done and over with but I'd seen a tweet that had something to do with lgbtq+ flags and every tweet about the lesbian flag being the prettiest was like.... :/ setting aside stuff about the creator, it's like just not, I don't see it as very appealing colors and it's literally just half of the butch flag and half of the lipstick flag--which had a problematic creator itself and the whole reason for the redesign! And I know the colors probably mean more than butch/femme but like, ya know, idk not every lesbian is butch or femme but whatever.

At this point though I feel like I wouldn't be able to use any other flags--and also just like uh, feel like cause I'm mspec lesbian there's a whole other can of worms so like. Idk how to end this vent lol hope you're doing ok.

Discourse is never over, IMO. It just kinda goes through cycles, I think. But yeah, I agree with you. Personal opinions about the creator and such aside, it really just ISN'T as pretty as people say it is. I mean, I've never really liked the color orange, but I understand that it CAN be pretty. But in that flag?? No, it's not. It's bad shades and a bad combo of colors. And honestly, the meanings don't make me think of those colors anyway. And yes, it IS a combo of two flags, which has its own set of issues such as what you said about not every lesbian being butch and femme (those terms aren't even lesbian-exlusive either).

But honey, you can use whatever flag you want. If people don't know what flag it is, so what? If they really care, they can politely ask. Personally, I claim 3 different lesbian flags: the Sappho lesbian flag, the one I created, and the pan lesbian flag by @bi-lesbian. Not many people, especially not many outside the Internet, know exactly what flags they are, but that doesn't matter to me because they make ME happy and that's all that matters. The only thing that sucks about using flags different from mainstream ones is that it's harder to get merch of them. But I already got the Sappho lesbian and the pan lesbian flag custom made, and I even got an artist I like to make a Sappho lesbian flag version of a sticker they designed! So it's not impossible, just a little harder to acquire.

Please use whatever flag(s) make you happy, and forget what everyone else thinks. Your happiness is what matters 💜🩷💛💚 And I hope you're doing alright as well!!

[mermaidsirennikita]

Caro's April 2023 Book Recs

Another month, another book roundup. I will say I focused a bit more on exploring new subgenres this month, so not as many historicals here--I'm *hoping* to knock out some books I've been meaning to knock out for a while when I'm on vacation. My tentative rule is "no ARCs and no KU"--because those have for sure been jumping the line in front of books I've had on my TBR for a while.

But honestly, I believe it's kind of impossible to stay engaged with a genre when you only read one subgenre, so I've been enjoying authors like Adriana Anders and Sara Cate quite a bit, while also discovering new to me authors like Caroline Linden and Cate C. Wells and debuts like Lana Ferguson. Much productiveness here, I'd say.

Her Wanton Wager by Grace Callaway. "Percy" Persephone Fines vows to become a lady in order to fulfill her family's dreams and marry a peer. But her goals become more difficult to achieve when her brother loses a bet to Gavin Hunt, owing him everything. Interceding on her brother's behalf, Percy makes a deal with Gavin--she'll meet with him seven times. If she resists him by the end of those meetings, the debt will be dropped. If she gives her virginity to Gavin, he'll collect on the debt. What Percy doesn't know is that her brother falling prey to Gavin is no coincidence...

Another fun Grace Callaway book--though I will say, I do like the later books I've read by her more than these early novels (which is a good thing, she's clearly grown and evolved a lot). The setup isn't super crazy: it's a revenge plot with an intrepid innocent heroine and a big, bad man. I found Gavin a lot more compelling than Percy, but that's consistent with my likes. The romance was cute, the sex was good, I wasn't blown away but I had fun.

Praise by Sara Cate. Following a bad breakup, 21-year-old Charlie heads over to her ex's dad's place to pick up her half of a deposit. The catch: Beau's dad, Emerson, is much more attractive than she expected. And he thinks she's one of the women sent to "audition" to be his secretary... which would entail being his submissive, as well. Charlie immediately responds to Emerson's praise and soft dominance; and though he offers her a real job--he has a kink club to open, after all--he refuses to give in their mutual attraction. At first.

Here's the thing: the plot of Praise is not dense. Girl with daddy issues becomes the submissive to her ex's hot dad, who is a partial owner of a kink club, and they do stuff in secret while agonizing over what would happen if his son found out. But the character work? Is really good. Sara Cate deftly milks the tension of the story for all its worth, while also delving into the shame surrounding kinks. While also giving you a really good, fun time. I found it to be a really romantic, lovely, kinda dirty love story.

The Boxing Baroness by Minerva Spencer. Marianne Simpson has made a name for himself as a "lady boxer" in her uncle's circus. But she's thrown off guard when she's approach by Duke St. John Powell--"Sin"--who needs her help to find his brother... by way of locating Marianne's ex-lover, the man who deceived and abandoned her. Sin isn't above blackmailing Marianne, which means their journey isn't off to a good start. Yet the more time they spend with each other, the harder it becomes for them to resist their attraction to each other.

This book takes MANY twists and turns. It's long--maybe a bit too long, but I still enjoyed it--and you get everything from circus boxing to a crazy journey across Europe that culminates in one of the wildest "real historical figures? in my romance?" moments I've read. The sexual tension crackles, the duke is a good mixture of douchebag and actually quite sweet, and the heroine is a fun, brash babe. Was there a LOT happening? Yes. But it was a romp, and it snatched the moments it needed to. Always.

Eyes On Me by Sara Cate. Garrett is part-owner of a sex club; but he hasn't had sex in ten years. He prefers to watch--which leads him to look for new ideas on a cam site. The surprise? His stepsister Mia--who he's always thought of as an annoying pest--is on the site. And she's good at her job. While masquerading as a client online, a guilty Garrett can't resist interacting with Mia in person--and what if his attraction is more than skin deep? What if he does actually like this grown-up Mia? And what if he's been exactly who she's wanted for years...

This was... a lot. In terms of emotion and sex. Mia and Garrett aren't just stepsiblings--they've been stepsiblings since she was eight and he was twenty-one, which the book seems to think isn't that big a deal because they didn't grow up together... But in reality, Garrett didn't grow up with Mia. Mia very much grew up with Garrett as a fixture in her life, and she's somewhat obsessed with him. That might skeeve some out, and if so, I get it, but--I... have softer limits as a reader. I loved the taboo of Garrett and Mia's relationship, how guilty he felt as they talked, how dirty the book got. There was a late stage element I wasn't as certain on, but it didn't stop me from loving the book. I'd say that this is hotter than Praise, but the relationship development of Praise is probably a little better--but again, I loved this. And if you're looking for some voyeurism in your romance... this is it. It's hot.

King's Captive by Amber A. Bardan. On her eighteenth birthday, Sarah watches as her entire family--save her little brother--is killed by the mysterious Julius King. Three years later, she's been living on Julius's private island, untouched and perfectly cared for--and one month away from the day on which she agreed to marry Julius. She has no idea what his motives are, or why she's oddly attracted to him. But Sarah isn't giving up without a fight, and she'll do anything to escape Julius's clutches.

As I continue my foray into dark romance... I'm kinda living? This book was fast-paced, crazy, incredibly hot, and somehow super romantic? There is, obviously, a lot more to Julius than Sarah realizes. But well before those realizations, you get that delicious sense of a man with coiled energy, desperate to have this woman yet unable to make his move. The degree to which Julius longs for Sarah while still having this sense of true menace and danger is incredible, and adds to the romance of the story. It's wild, and I personally adored it.

Run Posy Run. Posy Santoro is more loyal gangster's kept woman than mafia princess, and she's happy to be at the beck and call of her boyfriend, mafioso mastermind Dario Volpe--even if they don't emotionally connect. After all, Dario doesn't show emotion to anyone. Not until a video gets passed around his inner circles. A video he was never supposed to see; a video that's been used to make him think Posy did the unthinkable. Posy hasn't just been abandoned by Dario--she's running from him.

I've always been skeptical of this novel, despite the recommendations, because I felt like the premise would be tough for me to get over. Mafioso sees video of girlfriend with her ex and sets out to kill her in a jealous rage. Except... it's not that. For one thing, the fact that Dario gets mad about anything related to Posy is your first clue that he does care about her, as he's basically a sociopath. For another, the video has been doctored to make it look like she's cheating, which, justified or not, would be truly insane considering his power. Also... Dario isn't the one after her. At. First. With all that in mind, this is a fucking ride of a book, and I had a great time. It's about a relationship that was never what either of the people involved thought it was, which is a truly interesting take in romance. It's about falling in love after being committed for a long time--and it's about falling in love when you think you aren't even capable of it. Posy is such a unique heroine, a woman who's been raised to be on someone's arm and must actually work to find herself. And Dario's slow realization that... shit, he loves this woman, is DELICIOUS. Very good.

A Lady of Rooksgrave Manor by Kathryn Moon. After she's caught spying on her employer in the act, maidservsant Esther is offered a position at a particularly unique establishment. At Rooksgrave Manor, she'll serve men--multiple men--of a certain... background. Monstrous men, perhaps. And she'll do so happily.

So this was historical erotic monster romance, and I'm happy with that. It's not straight up erotica; there is a plot beyond the sex, and Moon does a very good job with establishing genuine connections between Esther and her men (and the men themselves, amongst each other--in all ways, at times). But Esther does have... depending on how you look at it, five or six partners. And those are partners for whom she has real feelings, and with whom she has a lot of sex. If you're not down, cool, but I found it very fun. The sex in this book? Fab.

A Long Time Dead by Samara Breger. ARC; read the full review here.

What A Gentleman Wants by Caroline Linden. When rake David Reece is sent away by his stern identical (and ducal) twin, he ends up breaking his leg and being nursed back to health by sensible vicar's widow Hannah. Charmed by Hannah and the idea of a reformed life, David proposes a marriage of convenience, which she accepts for the sake of her daughter... Only for David to get cold feet and forge his brother's signature on the marriage license. Now Hannah is very accidentally married to Marcus, who's quite a bit colder and more judgmental than David. But Marcus will do anything to avoid scandal--including moving Hannah in with him.

My first Caroline Linden read, and it was a bit zany and a lot sweet. It's a classic "uptight man has life flipped by a headstrong woman and her child" book, though the kid is not annoying. Honestly, the premise was enough to have me listening, and Marcus and Hannah have a slow burn, "grown fucking adults" chemistry that takes a while to boil over, but when it does... it's good. I wasn't blown away, but I enjoyed it a good bit, and the setup for David's book (DAVID. OH MY GOD DUDE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU) was great.

His Study in Scandal by Megan Frampton. ARC; read the full review here.

The Secret Service of Tea and Treason by India Holton. When the Agency of Undercover Note Takers (AUNT) puts their two top agents, Alice Breedlove and Daniel Bixby, together on a crucial mission, it should be a no-brainer. But posing as a married couple is making the cold, removed Agents A and B confront some difficult feelings--which could put not only the assignment, but their lives on the line.

This series has been incredibly fun and romantic--and it's gotten better with each installment. This one may be my favorite--it's between this and the last book. It has all the classic India Holton humor and wit, but Alice and Daniel have both suffered significant trauma, and Alice in particular is deeply scarred. That makes it more difficult for them to admit their feelings, but they just can't resist that sexual tension, and the tension is so! Good! I'm so happy with how this series ended. Give me repressed spies in love forever.

The Dueling Duchess by Minerva Spencer. ARC; read the full review here.

The Nanny by Lana Ferguson. Grad student Cassie needs a job and a place to stay, so she jumps at the chance to get a well-paying live-in nanny gig. The only problem? Aiden, a high profile chef and her new charge's single father, used to a big fan of Cassie's... specifically, when she was a cam girl on OnlyFans. Cassie recognizes Aiden quickly; but he doesn't recognize her. As the tension between them builds, she's torn between honesty and her need to keep her job--and her connections with Aiden and his daughter.

What a good! Look, this book is not super complicated. Both Cassie and Aiden are good people--there are no outright shitheads in this novel. Even the annoying person is just being a flawed, well-meaning human being. The plot is basically two people falling in love with a wrench in the mix by way of boss/employee issues and OF. But the writing is snappy and fun, the leads have great chemistry, the child is actually cute (and doesn't get too much page time), and the sex? Is. Hot. And plentiful! Basically, if you believe in the chemistry, you're going to have fun with this book. I definitely did.

What a Rogue Desires by Caroline Linden. Dissolute rake David Reece is given a chance at responsibility when his twin brother goes on his honeymoon--only for David to lose Marcus's signet ring in a robbery shortly after. That robbery? Was orchestrated by Vivian, a con artist David believed was an innocent widow. Determined to get the ring back, David kidnaps and imprisons Vivian. She's determined to resist his interrogations (among other things). He's determined to prove he's more than the disaster everyone thinks him to be.

It's a bit zany, a bit funny, a lot sexy. Let's call it a lighthearted kidnapping romance. David truly is a flop, while Vivian is smart, scrappy, and resourceful. She pushes him to be better (while also affirming his good qualities), and he offers her affection and gentleness she's really never experienced before. There's a Pretty Woman vibe to the novel, and I enjoyed it greatly. Plus--the sex scenes were REALLY good. Especially the wall one.

Possession by Adriana Anders. Superstar Zion Mason and Hollywood newcomer Twyla Hernandez just entered into a platonic contract marriage for PR--and that PR goodwill implodes when Zion is caught on camera having sex with a woman who looks just like Twyla. Escaping the paparazzi, he goes where he can be himself and explore his desires--Kink Camp. But Twyla--the wife he assumed was innocent and virtuous--isn't going to let Zion go without having her questions answered. And while there, she discovers who her husband really is--and she might like it.

Kink positive and a mixture of marriage of convenience and marriage in trouble. Zion is a classic dom hero, but he's not mean or abusive to Twyla in any way, like so many badly written doms are. He just can't bring himself to be truly vulnerable. Twyla is plus-sized--and Latina!--and presented as confident and sexy, if not without normal insecurities. So fucking refreshing. The found family of the camp is queer (Zion is also queer, by the way) and diverse. A super well done erotic romance.

Give Me More by Sara Cate. Drake and Hunter have been best friends since childhood, and that's continued past them finding success, and past Hunter marrying the woman of his dreams, Isabel--who quickly became Drake's other best friend. The trio are on a roadtrip to check out the competition for Salacious, Hunter's sex-positive club; and in an unexpected turn, Hunter catches Drake and Isabel in a moment that isn't what it looks like. But Hunter likes the idea of what it looks like--and he likes it even more when he convinces Drake and Isabel to have sex while he watches. Even even more when he gets involved. What starts out as fun on the road, however, gets complicated when the three recognize feelings that may have been lurking there for years...

This is a capital B bisexual romance. Nobody goes unloved here, nobody goes less desired. Hunter and Isabel adore each other and have a strong marriage. However, while Drake has been out as bi for years before the book began, Hunter is obviously deeply closeted, even to himself, for realistic (and tough) reasons. What I loved about how Sara Cate did this is that Drake was clearly always a part of this relationship. He was always in love with Hunter (and vice versa), he fell in love with Isabel (and vice versa) as Isabel and Hunter fell in love. The three of them just didn't see what the relationship actually was until it got sexual. There's angst aplenty in this, and Hunter especially deals with a lot of self loathing and sorrow that is difficult to read. But for me, it was worth it, and I really appreciated the blending of heat with emotion here. Not easy to do, but she got it. Maybe the best menage romance I've read so far.

[eisheartoffantasy]

Entry #3. Insignificance

Who are the most significant people in your life?

I sat here for a long time thinking on the question. Most people would probably say "my friends" or "my significant other" or "my family". My answer? Probably something similar, except I feel like I'd be lying.

Significance...hm. What on Earth defines it?

I mean, sure, I care a whole lot for my family. I have a pretty decent one, both parents being kind people despite our different stances on many things. But when it comes to significance, I don't think it's the same: family is like the opening scene of a movie, it just marks the start of your life. It's significant in that it has to happen in order for the movie to proceed. The significance of family is a given, so it doesn't count when I ponder on the question regarding significant people in my life.

So I guess a more specific way to question is: other than the family which birthed you, who are the most significant people in your life? "My friends and my significant other," I imagine most people responding.

A friend and a significant other — have I ever truly been either of those things to anyone? Well, I've actually never dated, so obviously not to the significant other; but, a friend? So many times I've thought of someone as a friend to keep for life, only for a more or less stupid conflict to happen months or years later, putting a sudden and unfortunate end to our friendship. In most cases, I didn't even get a chance to clear up misunderstandings.

I want to say it's not the others' fault that they refused to hear me out — in most scenarios, they were rightfully upset and it's impossible to communicate when the person you want to communicate with refuses to hear you reason with them. I wonder, however, if they were completely in the right themselves. Did it only matter that their feelings were hurt? Was I doing the right thing by willingly cutting myself out of their lives whenever I did something upsetting to them? Should I have tried a little harder to defend myself, or would that have been considered manipulative?

Become friends, get a long, make a mistake, fight, apologize, repent, leave — all at the command of how your friend feels. Their feelings rule your actions, if you hurt them in any way you must be banished.

That was my mind's simple rulebook for making friends. I don't remember when it was written. Now, reviewing it again from a different perspective, I can't help but feel a little wronged.

When those friends hurt me, did I apply the same rules for them? I don't know, for they've never hurt me. Sure, they made some pretty outrageous assumptions about me, dismissed my enthusiasm when I shared my interests with them, convinced me to do favors I wasn't comfortable with, used me as an emotional outlet and called me annoying and self-centered when I wanted one myself, but none of things really hurt me, otherwise I should've gotten angry and thrown a tantrum like they did. Right?

It doesn't feel as right as I remember it used to, because I eventually learnt that exploding isn't the only way to process emotions.

Significance...those friends were all, at different points, significant to me. Significant people hurt the people they're significant to. So now, I'm cautious about letting people become significant to me.

And myself? Seeing as I've hurt those friends and based on my own logic, I was probably significant to them when I did whatever that hurt them. At other times I was probably insignificant. To myself, I'm probably insignificant most of the time. I don't know.

If being insignificant means I won't hurt myself, I don't think it's such a bad thing. For now.

With warmth and hopefulness,

Ei

[avpdvoidspace]

A bunch of examples of how no longer masking has helped me

I used to think my malicious self regard was "negative self talk". I tried to combat it in all kinds of ways. Positive affirmations (made me feel so stupid, like I was kidding myself), I came up with a defender character who would stand between me and that voice (this just didn't work for me), I tried to force myself to act in direct opposition to it. But diagnosis helped me better understand what it was and where it was coming from. I found the best fight I had against feelings of incompetence and inherent badness was to "yes, and" those feelings. The simplest example I like to give is "You are uniquely bad at art". Now I can say "Let's assume that's true. It doesn't mean it's not worth it for me to do it, and it doesn't mean no one will like my art". I'm sure we've all felt like we're incompetent at something and that led us to believe it would be 'better' if we gave up. It helps to have a way to fight that without the positivity techniques that just don't seem to work for us (if it works for you, then by all means, use it) Another common though we have to deal with is "You're a bad person, you don't deserve friends or love." This coming from my brain doesn't really have the same power over me anymore. There are still times when I'm vulnerable or feel criticized and rejected that it gets to me. But I'm able to say a lot things to myself about that. "Whatever traits I might have with my PD don't preclude me from taking compassionate and good actions. Now I've seen a lot of people with personality disorders who I think are good people. This doesn't make me a bad person." "There are people in my life who I've been pretty open about my struggles with, who've made an effort to learn about me and my avpd. They love me and have stuck with me for a long time now. I don't need to be perfect for people to love me or to deserve happiness" "There are other people with avpd feeling what I'm feeling right now, and I don't think their loved ones would be better off without them. They deserve love and that means maybe I do too". So all of that would have been impossible when my "issue" was some nebulous mystery problem that made me bad at having relationships and also really prone to treatment-resistant self hatred. It also allows me to make more informed choices about who I want to have in my life. Like before I thought I was just 'too sensitive' and subjected myself to 'friends' who were outright cruel to me. The fact is, I am more sensitive to criticism. But because I couldn't just allow myself to accept that as a symptom and come to some kind of balance with it, I'd force myself to tolerate it both from people who meant it compassionately and from people who could sense I didn't like it and used it as a way to hurt me intentionally. It's easy for someone without avpd to think: if talking to someone makes you feel self consciousness, embarassment, and self hatred regularly, they're not a good friend. But with avpd, you have such an overload of background noise shame and a tendency to think "I must be the one who's wrong", that you really might have a much harder time sensing when someone's being an asshole. That's one reason, to an outside perspective, it may look like we ghost/retreat "over nothing" and moreso once we get a diagnosis. We're more aware of how our combined sensitivity to criticism plus intense internal self criticism can make us very vulnerable to abusive or toxic friendships, and it takes time to get a feel for what that looks like, given the added context of our diagnosis. And while it's decreased the number of friendships I have, it's also improved the quality of them and how rewarding and fulfilling they are both to me and the other people in my life.

[curioskitty]

THE・Rarest Bakugou

Given Bakugou-kun's description as a "juvenile delinquent" (Horikoshi sensei uses the term 不良少年, or furyou shounen, meaning juvenile delinquent boy), it's expected that he wouldn't conform to standard. So obviously, it's not possible to find Bakugou-kun wearing a tie properly................

What is up with this perfectly tied nonsense right here?!

Bakugou-kun, I thought I knew you!!! THE LIES! THE BETRAYAL!!!

But, it's probably just a fluke. You didn't mean it, right Horikoshi-sensei?

WTF?! WHY?!!! Horikoshi-sensei?!

Yep. Contrary to expectations, Bakugou-kun wearing a tie correctly only ranks at Ultra Rare status: difficult to find, but not impossible.

So, what's rarer than a tie-wearing Bakugou-kun? Go Beyond, Plus Ultra Rare Bakugou!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In fact, it's even harder to find Bakugou-kun wearing a tie improperly. Given proto-Bakugou's loose tie design, I would have expected that to be the likelier delinquent-esque tie option. But I've only seen Horikoshi-sensei draw him like this once:

(Horikoshi-sensei's one year celebration illustration. This is still fairly early in the publication.)

On top of that, Bakugou-kun consistently wears his uniform tie-less and with at least one button undone on his shirt collar. His pants are always slung low on his hips and legs bunching up at his feet (except when he had to wear jeans for Best Jeanist). You can even see panels where Horikoshi-sensei drew in the rips at the hems near the heel where they drag on the ground.

So why the inconsistency, Horikoshi-sensei? I see you over there, stop pretending you didn't notice. I know you're paying attention.

Horikoshi-sensei gave proto-Bakugou a loosened tie, so what is the reasoning for taking Bakugou-kun's tie away?

Some No-Tie Theories

Fan Theory #1: HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW

//Like Midoriya-kun, Bakugou-kun came from a middle school with gakuran uniforms. They never learned how to tie them. Midoriya-kun messes up his tie, while Bakugou-kun doesn't even bother to try.//

I actually think this is the least likely reason. Bakugou-kun was designed to be a naturally talented genius. I think this applies to anything he wants to do. If he does something, it's always perfectly done.

Bakugou-kun can (and does if you look above) tie it perfectly when necessary.

CONCLUSION: If Bakugou-kun doesn't do something, it's completely out of personal preference or because he doesn't see a reason to.

Fan Theory #2: REBELLIOUS NATURE

//Bakugou-kun is a delinquent and maintains that image because he thinks it looks cool. Or maybe he is rebelling against fashion designer parents. Either way, because of his family background he knows how to tie a tie, but wants to be a rebel.//

I'd give partial points for this one. I'm pretty sure he wears his pants loose at least partially because he thinks it looks cool. However, Bakugou-kun's parents were noted to be designers and not specifically fashion designers.

Despite appearances, this is the kid that sleeps at 8:30pm, doesn't break school rules, and yells at his friends for smoking.

He zips up the collar on his gym track suit all the way. Both the summer and winter versions get the same treatment. He doesn't feel the need to "make a statement" by wearing his track uniform incorrectly. Outside of class, he can and does sometimes wear his track jacket unzipped, but during class he always wears it properly.

So then why does Bakugou-kun refuse to wear the band T-shirt and Christmas party Santa outfit? Because he isn't cooperative. In Ultra Analysis, his Cooperativeness Stat was the lowest rank: E.

CONCLUSION: Bakugou-kun may be non-conformist and uncooperative, but he isn't a rebel.

Fan Theory #3: TRAUMA/PTSD

//This is one of the more popular theories. Between Dabi grabbing his neck, the Sludge Villain and being restrained at the School Festival, our boy has been through the wringer. As a result, he just doesn't like stuff around his neck because it gives him anxiety.//

The Western Fandom is definitely concerned about the mental health of the kids. But I don't actually think this is the reason. Not that I don't think they all need some therapy and self care, especially right now, but there just isn't evidence for this specific trauma in Bakugou-kun.

He wears scarves and even turtle necks without a problem.

On top of that, Bakugou-kun ALSO unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and gakuran in middle school; even from before the Sludge Villain incident. There isn't any evidence Bakugou-kun changed his dressing habits due to trauma. He wore a scarf to the entrance exam for UA, too.

CONCLUSION: Bakugou-kun has ALWAYS worn his shirts with the top button unbuttoned.

These 3 theories are inadequate, too. Even if they did explain the reasons Bakugou-kun doesn't wear a uniform tie, they don't factor in the reasoning for why he DOES wear his other ties properly sometimes.

HC#1: Bakugou-kun's preference

Bakugou-kun doesn't seem to care about his image and how "extras" see him. Even during the press interviews after his hero debut, he wore the same style of open collar look. He's not shy about being nude or taking his shirt off.

But what he hates is being uncomfortable.

He is "explosively brawny". Just look at how thick Bakugou-kun's neck is when compared to Midoriya-kun's. It isn't just that Midoriya-kun is supposed to be scrawny, but also that Bakugou-kun has a thicker than average neck.

Bakugou-kun doesn't like to button up his shirts all the way because it's uncomfortable. It's reasonable that he zips his track suit and everything else up because those are looser at the neck or made of stretchier materials.

As for why he doesn't wear the uniform tie at all... Don't forget Bakugou-kun is a perfectionist and a bit of a neat freak.

He always tucks his shirt in. For the band performance he wore a collared black dress shirt. From what we saw of his room, it's minimalist and clean. I don't see him wanting to look like a slob.

A sloppy loose tie would probably irritate him more than just not wearing it (which is even funnier when you think about Midoriya-kun's chonk tie. It probably makes him want to strangle Midoriya-kun, or maybe just tie it himself...)

Bakugou-kun has difficulties compromising when it comes to his high standards. So if he has to wear it, it's going to be either 0% or 100%.

HC#2: Explosiveness

Why draw Bakugou-kun with either 0% tie or 100% tie? If Horikoshi-sensei is going for a delinquent image, wouldn't the 50% tie option make more sense?

Taking a look again at Bakugou-kun's profile page, Horikoshi-sensei describes him to be explosive in every way. That includes his whole body being "explosively brawny", but also adds a note that he looks slender in clothes.

Horikoshi-sensei put an effort to make every element of Bakugou-kun's character in some state of either fully compressed or explosive.

His slimming clothes, general appearance and even his speech patterns are highly compressed (blunt/terse) and loud. The extremes of his attitude are compressed too; if Bakugou-kun is not loudly raging, then he's quietly observing.

This contrast is key to his character. You can't explode if you aren't compressed first. It's supposed to be shocking to see how brawny he actually is under his slenderizing clothes. And I always feel shocked whenever I see this kid compressed into a tie.

HC#3: Deku & Kacchan

These two are set apart from the class by design and very much on purpose. Horikoshi-sensei designed them to be at opposite ends of the same spectrum.

If Bakugou-kun has muscular arms, then Midoriya-kun needs muscular legs. If Midoriya-kun buttons up his shirt all the way to the collar, then Bakugou-kun's collar has to be loose. Their designs reflect their connection.

So if Midoriya-kun has a poorly tied tie, the opposite of that is either non-existant or perfectly tied. If it's perfectly tied, he'd just blend in with the class.

The no-tie option just makes more sense.

Plus Ultra Rare Bakugou

Horikoshi-sensei only ever draws Bakugou-kun with a tie in specific scenarios. Costume events that require the neck tie as part of the costume or "fancy" events where everyone is in formal wear. And even in those, Bakugou-kun manages to not wear his tie 90% of the time.

So, I just imagine that when Horikoshi-sensei makes Bakugou-kun wear his tie, he's super grumpy! Just look at his face in every illustration he's wearing a tie in. He's probably hot, uncomfortable, and really not enjoying himself at all.

Ultimately, the "Plus Ultra Rare Bakugou" is a Bakugou-kun who wears the tie and SMILES while doing it.

(Yes, I know that's NOT actually a tie. Shut up Bakugou-kun. You're only smirking in this one because you won the Popularity Poll for the 5th time in a row...)

(Well that's random, you say? Welcome to my blog. Considering the stuff going down on canon, I figured I should give fans, and myself, a break from angst to talk about something silly.

Please note that this applies only to the manga. I've found that the anime isn't quite so strict about how Bakugou-kun looks.

Regarding the headcanons, I just want to clarify that everyone is free to think whatever they like. I enjoy all headcanons and support your right to have them.

I wrote this a while ago and then debated posting it because it's such a huge meta about... Bakugou-kun's tie. I had regrets. But now it's become my new years post. Regrets were for 2020, it's already 2021!

Demons out, fortune in!!! I know it's not setsubun for another month, but 2020 was such a demon.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!)

[lightrises]

"Only in allowing her to pass..." — Hornet, The Radiance, and the means by which Hallownest turned its victims against each other

A quick note: I read Hollow Knight as an anti-colonialist text. As such I'll be touching on topics related to colonialism as it's depicted in the world of the game, and said analysis will reflect both a sympathetic take on The Radiance and a critique of The Pale King that won't pull its punches. If this sounds up your alley, hello and thank you for the read! Let us be sad about these bugs together.

———

So!! A while back I realized something about pre-canon that felt rather... "curious" is one way to put it, I think. To wit: for all the effort and scheming and determination The Pale King poured into trying to get rid of The Radiance, neither of his plans involved directly killing her.

Was that his long game? Well, sure, that seems clear enough. His tack changed from luring the moths away from their god and creator to a more literal form of incarceration once the infection became a factor, but at its core the end goal never really changed—The Pale King very sincerely wished to destroy Radiance via obsolescence. The Seer lends us foreshadowing to confirm as much:

[Image descriptions: Two screenshots from Hollow Knight, showing the Seer and Ghost in the Seer's alcove at the Resting Grounds. Across both screenshots, the Seer tells Ghost the following: "None of us can live forever, and so we ask those who survive to remember us. Hold something in your mind and it lives on with you, but forget it and you seal it away forever. That is the only death that matters." End description.]

(Which, by the way and given the context, talk about an extremely unsubtle allusion to cultural genocide huh!!! Whew.)

In any case, we're left with a whole bunch of machinations which build up to... well, two very roundabout attempts at committing deicide. That's kind of weird, all things considered! Why not just do the deed in one fell swoop and get it over with?

This could be for any number of reasons. Maybe the king was devoid of the means to instantly kill another higher being. Maybe his personal sense of scruples stopped him short of signing off on MURDER murder (although, y'know, the aforementioned genocide + eternal imprisonment = still cool and copasectic apparently!). Maybe the long drawn-out cruelty was the point. Maybe the idea of playing fuckign 4D chess with the circumstances was too delicious for him to pass up—that man did love to tinker and stick his claws where they sure as hell didn't belong—or maybe it was a little bit of All The Things. Who knows!!

But interrogating The Pale King's methodology on this count isn't what I'm here for, at least not really. The main reason I raise this question at all is that in her own way, Hornet did too.

"I'd urge you to take that harder path... "

See, going by The Pale King's actions and what The White Lady explicitly says, they both foresaw two outcomes wrt the infection: it can be allowed to spread, or it can be contained. At Teacher's Archives, Quirrel acknowledges the fact that Ghost is expected to do... something about this, but he doesn't elaborate on what HE thinks that's supposed to be apart from the obvious "Gotta bust into Black Egg Temple first". Hornet is the one person who presents to us—to Ghost—what's framed as a third option: confront and destroy the infection at its source.

And she doesn't bring it up like it's just another tactic for Ghost to consider, prim and indifferent to what they would do. She nudges them towards it, actively, up to the point where she throws herself into the fray against Hollow at a juncture that's uniquely dangerous to her and her alone just to make that option feasible.

Even when she's couching it in disclaimers that this is still Ghost's decision to make (and let's be fair, she's extremely not wrong about that lol), no one can pretend Hornet is unbiased. It's obvious in that buttoned-down Hornet kind of way that she is way the hell done with the increasingly tenuous stalemate that's kept Hallownest's desiccated corpse from collapsing in on itself. Personally it's hard for me not to read some Toriel Undertale-esque "My father was too entrenched in his own foolishness to pursue any course of action that would have DEFINITIVELY ended this" shade into her stance here, regardless of whether that's strictly true in canon.

And that bit—Hornet's hopes for an end to Hallownest's stasis, moreover her grim calculation of what needs to be done to get there—that's the bit I find super interesting but likewise tragic and depressing as shit, on multiple levels. In no small part because a) canon itself gestures towards Hornet feeling conflicted about the very plan she's pushing, and moreover b) she has at least two (2) damn good reasons to feel that way.

So, what do I mean by that? Let's look here first:

[Image description: A screenshot from Hollow Knight, of Hornet and Ghost inside the Temple of the Black Egg, standing in front of the unsealed egg itself. Hornet has been struck by the Dream Nail and her dialogue is displayed as follows: "... Could it achieve that impossible thing? Should it?" End description.]

As the curtain is about to drop on things one way or another, Hornet thinks,

... Could it achieve that impossible thing? Should it?

Now, looking at that last bit it's easy to go "Oh no, Hornet's worried that Ghost won't survive killing The Radiance!" And I do think that's part of it: Hornet is, categorically, not her father. By endgame it's clear she's not content to view her Void-borne siblings as tools to be used then disposed of. She's also well aware that as a healthy autonomous Vessel amongst the countless dead, Ghost is the only person left alive who has a fighting chance against The Radiance. Knowing someone is the only qualified candidate for the job doesn't make encouraging them to embrace a probable death sentence any less of a bitter pill to swallow, though. And odds are on that this sentiment extends to Hollow too, who IS going to die no matter what happens here. To put it bluntly, it's more than reasonable to conclude that Hornet hates the absolute fuck out of this.

But I don't think that's all there is to it either. Remember what I said earlier about The Pale King's bids for genocide? Well, it's not like the man deigned to limit his efforts to just the moth tribe.

"We do not choose our mothers... "

On top of everything else—an infected Hallownest being all she's ever known, the fact that she only exists because of the infection, the list goes on—Hornet has spent her life wedged into a position that's been uncomfortable and terminally unglamorous at best: she is both a daughter of her father's kingdom and of Deepnest.

Deepnest, which like the moths and many others was here long before the wyrm and his lady wife swanned onto the scene and the God Become Bug laid claim to everything the Light touched plus a considerable amount of change. THAT Deepnest, which has fought claw and thread to retain its sovereignty against same-said settler king, and for which Herrah not only surrendered her life but also agreed to bed her worst enemy, all in hopes of securing a viable future for her people (put a pin in that last part by the way, I'll come back to it soon).

Two Worlds, One Family (Ft. An Indigenous Woman Trying Her Damndest To Work With What She's Got Versus An Imperialist Who Only Signed Up For This Because He Needed The Political Favor THAT Badly, So It's The Height Of Dysfunctional Actually). Fun times!!!!

The baggage this entails for Hornet is gnarly enough without implications made by The White Lady and the pre-canon timeline of events and even Team Cherry's dev notes that the king may well have looked at baby Hornet, gone "YOINK", then ensured she spent the lion's share of her childhood reared within the pearly auspices of his Pale Court*. That would be rather advantageous for Him Specifically after all, the potential to mold a born foe into a future ally and even have her trained in combat under the same tutelage as her doomed sibling. And far be it from him to stop a grown Hornet—his own flesh and blood too!—from making Deepnest her forever home if she so pleased. He totally wouldn't be reneging on his "fair bargain made" by doing this one simple thing until Hornet came of age, not t e c h nic c a l l y.

If that is indeed the case, there's a non-zero chance Hornet's formative years were a hot mess of cultural alienation and being a good deal more privy than most to just how much of a bastard her father could be. There's an equally non-zero chance that at some point she stood or sat within earshot as The Pale King finally, finally dropped all pretense and euphemism to name the Light for precisely what (for who) it was.

See, in conjunction with the question that started this whole dang train of thought I've been asking this one too: Does Hornet know? When she speaks of confronting "the heart of [the] infection" does she know she's talking about not just a literal person but someone very specific? The Radiance, who god though she may be shares skin in the game alongside Hornet as a native woman screwed over by the same settler king, likewise deprived of her kin and saddled with a life gone horrendously pear-shaped?

I'll assume for the sake of exploring the possibility and because I think it's a likely one anyway that yes, Hornet does know. She knows, and despite everything can't help empathizing. She might even look at Radiance and see bits and pieces both reflected and slightly inversed in her own mother: Radiance was forced to the sidelines while her people—her children, the brood she was meant to lead and care for—died out under The Pale King's rule, and it's no stretch to assume she's at least as upset about that as she has been about everything else; Herrah too took drastic measures for her people's sake, trying to head off annihilation by relegating herself to the sidelines in an act that was as much calculated risk as an attempt to find wiggle room and leverage in the face of a nasty proposition.

A calculated risk that, if things continue as they are, might well amount to nothing as the rest of Deepnest gets eaten alive by the infection. It survived The Pale King's advances for so so long, only to fall here. Herrah's sacrifice would be for naught; the other tribes—themselves the king's victims—would keep succumbing to the infection too.

And this is where things fall apart.

"... or the circumstance into which we are born."

Let's be clear: I think Hornet is wise enough to know what's what here, that all the carnage and suffering falls on her father's head for starting this slow-motion trainwreck in the first place. Hallownest wasn't always Hallownest. This domain was Radiance's home first, along with many others. It was the worm-turned-king who rolled up on the scene unsolicited and decided this was a ""'problem""" that had to be """solved""".

But the fact of the matter is that he's gone and The Radiance is here, raging, seemingly inconsolable. Above and beyond being Deepnest's rightful heir, Hornet isn't in a position to countenance more splash damage even if the grief and fury fueling it makes perfect sense. She can understand without ever bringing herself to love Radiance, and she can bend her knee to practicality even if she hates the everloving shit out of it because the fact that it "has" to end this way isn't fair.

This lends itself to one last awful conclusion: that Hornet has probably considered and (rightly or wrongly) discarded the possibility that Radiance can be saved, at least not without dragging more collateral along for the ride. If even her mother and every other enemy to the king seemed to dismiss talking Radiance down as an option way back when... well. Why should Hornet hope for any better after things have escalated so far?

Again, it's practical. A practical net good is what Hornet strives for. And again, it fucking sucks.

For extra tragedy points, this makes Hornet's extended crypticness around Ghost followed by her last minute casting about for a reason to tell them "Wait, don't; not just yet" that she never voices even more of a gut punch. She can't bring herself to burden Ghost with the context that haunts her so, least of all when it might weaken their resolve to go through with what (she thinks) needs doing.

It's the "same song, different verse" which led to the mantis tribe and Deepnest being pitted against each other: Hallownest rigged the game so that two women who could have been powerful allies—who have a mutual vested interest in driving out settler rule—wound up poised as enemies instead. And how awful is that? The king for all his being extremely fucking dead still gets the last laugh, because outside of a miracle the game never manifests Hornet can salvage what her mother started and look forward to a future where Deepnest pulls itself back from the brink if and only if The Radiance dies.

Resolution comes at the price of a completed genocide. Add two more dead siblings to the unconscionable pile thereof, while we're at it. That's what it boils down to whether or not Hornet can bear to articulate it as such, and there's no grace or even a properly bittersweet ending to wring from this clusterfuck. And that is rough.

———

* This has been better explained elsewhere, but a quick rundown: The White Lady tells Ghost that Hornet and Herrah "were permitted little time together." On its surface this can be taken to mean that Hornet was still very young when Herrah was shipped off to Eternal Dreamland—except this doesn't jive with the fact that we meet Hornet as an adult. If the stasis kicked in once the Dreamers went to their rest, which in turn halted the aging process for every living bug in Hallownest, AND before all this Hornet experienced little by the way of quality time with her birth mother... I think you can see where I'm going with this.

To top it off we've got Team Cherry weighing in ominously from their dev notes on Herrah: "As part of the agreement for her alliance and her role as a dreamer, King gave her a child (Hornet). Was she allowed to keep this child or was she taken away?" This isn't confirmation by itself of course, but given additional canon details (see above): Can I get a "yikes" in the chat fellas.

[gentil-minou]

Hi! Sorry if this isn't ml-related question and I'm really sorry about asking but I just need your advice as someone who's open about mental health? I've recently seen your breakdown on Marinette's character as having ADHD and her reactions makes so much sense now and I relate to her in a way I never thought before. I'm terrified to tell my Mom but I think I'm ADHD. Though I'm kind of unsure because I'm also a bit of an OCD and perfectionist despite being so forgetful. So whenever I get really distracted, I find myself taking notes and forcing myself to focus (although it doesn't work sometimes.) And it's not just ordinary notes? I don't know if I'm making sense but I really loathe myself for being forgetful so I'd write down everything I could catch before my attention goes to something random again. I always end up with very detailed notes although I'm distracted half the time. And I have no idea if it disqualifies me for having ADHD.

Thank you, thank you so much for reading this and it's okay if you don't answer. It's just, I don't know what to do with the knowledge and suspicion. To be honest, everytime I'm faced with the prospect of having yet another mental disorder, it terrifies me 😅

Hey friend!

If it's okay I'm gonna address the last comment you made first. There is a lot of stigma around mental health and this idea that having a mental health disorder is bad thing, and frankly it makes it harder for people to get the treatment they need. Compare it to physical health. If someone you knew was diagnosed with cancer or diabetes or anything else, would you go to them and criticize them? What if they had multiple illnesses, at the same time? You wouldn't think badly about them, you would hope they get the treatment they need to feel better. And so I'd hope you do it too, acknowledge that mental health is just as important as physical health and getting a diagnosis is a GOOD thing because once you know what's wrong then you can take steps to fix it.

Second, mental health disorders are HIGHLY comorbid, meaning if you have one you are likely to have another. Personally, I have had diagnosed anxiety and depression since I was a kid and I'm suspecting I have ADHD (hyperactive type) as well that went unnoticed. ADHD, in particular, is super comorbid with anxiety (OCD is a type of anxiety, categorized with intrusive and compulsive thoughts) and depression. They tend to feed off each other the longer they go untreated.

Now for ADHD specifically, one of the reasons we are finding it is so underdiagnosed is because caregivers only tend to notice it if 1. Kid has behavioral problems or 2. Kid is bad at school. When I talked to my mom about having ADHD and signs I was looking at in myself as a kid, the first thing she said was she never expected it cause I was a good student.

The fact of the matter is that I was a good student cause I made myself overly organized to the extreme, way beyond others. I take color coded notes, have done for years and sometimes i rewrite them later, that's the only way i can focus in class otherwise my mind drifts. I have 3 different calendars I keep extremely organized because I want to make sure I'm super aware of it. i cannot physically and mentally stand the site of an unread email or notification so i keep all of the extremely organized with filters and other tools because otherwise i will lose it. I love learning sooooo much but it's a struggle to slog through reading and studying and so I have to find tricks to keep me focused, like using music without lyrics. even things like movies and binge watching is nearly impossible to me, because i always lose attention halfway through, then i pause and give myself a break or i watch with others who are okay with me talking.

The point is, I thought all of this was normal and not at all indicative of ADHD for over 20 years. Because of my love for learning and school, the adults I knew were unaware of it. But that also meant my hyperactivity and impulsivity was ignored for so long, and worse sometimes it got me in so much trouble or made my peers isolate me. It negatively impacted all areas of my mental health, but not once was it equated with ADHD because, again, I was a good student!!!!

You can! Be a good student! And take amazing notes! And appear organized! But still! Have! ADHD!!!!!!!!

Over time, you just learn how to live your life. Fun fact, my depression and anxiety and potential ADHD has never been "cured", I just learned how to manage it through behavior and cognitive/coping skills. It still hits, but it doesn't take over my life as much as it used to.

In terms of talking to your mom, I understand why you might be afraid but it helps to start a conversation. Maybe start with some of the things you've noticed in yourself, that's what I did. Do your research (and not just the stuff you see on TikTok, a lot of those are just relatable. Reading a lot of books is not a sign of mental health issues lol) and come informed, with answers for the questions you have.

And explain why you want to go to a therapist. Sometimes you might have a genuine challenge you need to solve and need additional support with skills, other times you might just want validation and support. If your mom is worried about medication, know that you don't necessarily need medication for you ADHD! Not all my clients take them, some are able to manage without it and some find it can be really helpful. Medication also doesn't have to be forever, just while helping you build other skills to support you.

And remember, above all else, never feel like you need to feel bad or wrong for having a mental health disorder. We are learning, more and more, that "neurotypical" is not as common as we think (personally, I don't think they exist lol). Being aware of your mind, just like how you go for yearly check-ups on your body, is a GOOD THING because it allows you to live your best life and create one worth living. And at its core, that's what therapy is all about.

[ocw-archive]

Quotes (A-B)

Acting & Writing

"This is a huge hundred million dollar movie, but the introduction of my character - I'm supposed to be riding a horse, so they just put me on a barrel in the middle of the Disney parking lot and angled the camera so they get the sky behind me. They get a fan blowing my hair, and that's me riding a horse!"

"If I had a role where I had to do an accent, maybe I would work with somebody, a voice coach," the actor demurs. "I think it would be great to take an acting class, because acting is fun - more fun than writing, the instant feedback. It's not sitting alone in a room trying to write something, because that's a long process - it can take a year to write something, a year of struggling and trying to keep your confidence up, not knowing if it's going to amount to anything. With acting it's right there, you're around people, it's more sociable. I'm able to do both, it's worked out nicely."

"I find stuff from dramas funny, that's kind of more the humor I'm attracted to. Even Raging Bull has scenes that are hilarious to me." "I think people are realizing how hard it is to break into the movies, and that if you want to do something, you have to do it on your own - when you're an actor, your destiny's kind of in the hands of a lot of other people, but when you're writing, you have the chance to control an idea more," he says of the rise in under-30 talent on the production end. "I'm in a good place, kind of flying under the radar, getting to do different interesting things. It's not like a lot of pressure, with people watching like, 'Ooh, what's your next move going to be?'"

"I wouldn't mind kind of doing what I've been able to do now...which is making a living doing something creative."

"I like to work on ideas and new dialogue before I get to the set and talk them over with my director and co-stars," Wilson says.

"Because I didn't study acting or think about it as a career, I have never taken myself that seriously as an actor," he says between spoonfuls. "I look at someone like Dustin Hoffman or Al Pacino, who can change their voice and their whole look. I don't think I would be particularly good at that."

"Acting is more fun than writing," he said. "Writing is harder, more like having a term paper."

"I can't think of a movie I wish I'd acted in, but there are movies I wish I'd written."

"If I show up and there's some stuff I think is embarrassing for me to say, I really focus my mind and try and come up with something. But you have to be sensitive to other actors."

“I was a big movie fan,” said Owen, “but I didn’t see how you could really work in movies. That seemed sort of impossible. The subject I was okay at was English, so I could see trying to write short stories or maybe even books. The most practical thing seemed to be in advertising, writing copy.”

"There hasn't been a lot of thought or planning about the roles I've taken," he admits. "Usually, something is offered and it sounds like fun or it's somebody interesting to work with. I wanted to work with Gene Hackman; that's why I did 'Behind Enemy Lines.' But in terms of reading a script and saying, 'I love this,' that doesn't happen very often. More often, you take something and say, 'Well, we'll work on the script.' "Sometimes you do that and you can save the movie and sometimes you can't. In 'Shanghai Noon,' I felt we made it better. In 'I Spy,' we tried to wing it and it didn't work that well."

"Acting is more fun, to show off," Wilson says. "I prefer to act off people (Chan, Eddie Murphy)."

'When I'm writing, I'm on a roll. Like being back in school with a term paper. And I tend to rewrite my own dialogue until I get in sync with the character."

"From a young age, I got good feedback about my writing. My dad is a really good writer, so I would always go to him for advice."

"What inspires me to write is thinking of a funny idea. And when I say "funny", I don't necessarily mean a big comedy. The best dramas, if they're real, have funny elements to them. Punch-Drunk Love did a great job of that. Real pain is funny stuff. That's why I love my character in Bottle Rocket or Max Fischer in Rushmore or Bill Murray's character in Life Aquatic. Those characters have lots of insecurities, foibles, vanity and ego - emotions - and to me, that's where humor comes from."

(asked whether or not his improvisational skills bother fellow actors) "Yes, sometimes people get irritated, starting with my brother Luke in BR. He would get pissed at me, like, 'Why don't you just say the lines that you wrote?'

"The first priority is the stuff, the work that I do with Wes"

"It seems like in every movie that you act in, you end up doing some writing on or at least trying to come up with ideas. Sitting down and conceiving an idea from start to finish, I haven't done that in a while. But it would be nice to try that again. It's sort of like having a term paper. It's not something I get really excited about - sitting in a room for three months trying to create something - but it's fun when you get on a roll, and it's great to finish something."

"I would like to play...Well I loved The Insider, but I can't really see myself playing a Russell Crowe character, so I see myself as having limitations as an actor. Almost not being like a real actor, being able to, you know, change voices and things."

"I've always been interested in the craft of acting. Plays and stuff. When you're writing you kind of act things out, or sort of sound stuff out in your head. My first film acting was when we did the short. "

" I had performed a little before, although I have never taken acting classes. I am hesitating to say this, but I don't think there's much to acting. Wait, that sounds horrible. No, it's difficult to be a good actor. about working on The Godfather."

"If I had a role where I had to do an accent, maybe I would work with somebody, a voice coach," the actor demurs. "I think it would be great to take an acting class, because acting is fun - more fun than writing, the instant feedback. It's not sitting alone in a room trying to write something, because that's a long process - it can take a year to write something, a year of struggling and trying to keep your confidence up, not knowing if it's going to amount to anything. With acting it's right there, you're around people, it's more sociable. I'm able to do both, it's worked out nicely."  I guess it's from a pure acting standpoint I've had more important roles in the independent movies. I've enjoyed the big budget movies cause it's fun to be a part of the making of one."

"I just saw "American Beauty" and I would have liked to play the Kevin Spacey character but I'm too young. "Taxi Driver" -- I liked that character a lot. When I love a movie, I like the characters in it and I would have liked to play them. The thing Wes and I are writing now has a character I'm going to play who is very funny and moving so I'm looking forward to that."

"If I waited for a script I loved, I would never have acted," explains Wilson, who says he tries to work with directors who allow him to improvise. "So I guess [my films] make up a funny list. At least it's not pretentious.... But it does kind of drive my agent crazy."

"You show up on the set, you make new friends, you get to be friends with the crew. Writing is more like having a term paper. You hole up and try to pull something out of nothing. "

"The thing is with acting, it's like I'm tapping into the same stuff I would do with writing because I'm improvising sometimes. It's like the best type of writing because you're forced to do it that day. If you're given the lines you're going to say that day and the lines are embarrassing, there's nothing like that to motivate you to sit down and try to write something so you don't sound like an idiot."

"Because I didn't study acting or think about it as a career, I have never taken myself that seriously as an actor," he says between spoonfuls. "I look at someone like Dustin Hoffman or Al Pacino, who can change their voice and their whole look. I don't think I would be particularly good at that."

Agents

"There's that Mark Twain quote: 'It takes two people to hurt you: your enemy to say something bad about you and your friend to come and tell you what they said.'  In Hollywood, your agent serves both roles."

Armageddon

"It's kind of like a Miramax cast in a huge blockbuster-type movie," says Wilson, who became interested in the part of Oscar Choi when Bruckheimer and Bay told him some of the other people who were going to be involved. "I had known Billy Bob Thornton and really liked him, and Steve Buscemi - it just seemed like a good group of guys. Bruce Willis is sort of my favorite."

On the scene in Armageddon where he rides a horse - "They used somebody else for the faraway shot, and then for the close-up, they had me on a barrel in the parking lot with a fan blowing on my hair, saying 'yah-yah.' "

"Especially when there's a tour group going through, and the guide is saying, 'There's our big summer blockbuster being filmed.' People musta been thinking 'Jeez, Disney is sort of tight.' "

"I saw it a week ago - it's pretty amazing, because when you're making it you don't have an awareness of the overall movie, especially some of the special effects - to see Paris get decimated is amazing," he notes, recalling the deceptive simplicity of the filmmaking while he was working on it. "This is a huge hundred million dollar movie, but the introduction of my character - I'm supposed to be riding a horse, so they just put me on a barrel in the middle of the Disney parking lot and angled the camera so they get the sky behind me. They get a fan blowing my hair, and that's me riding a horse!"

"I was on a barrel in Armageddon. They shot a guy on a horse in Arizona or somewhere while I was probably drinking a smoothie in Los Angeles. It was so embarrassing. They didn't even have me on a soundstage. Because they needed to get the sky, they had me out in the middle of the parking lot on a barrel that they kind of moved, with a fan blowing into my face."

Behind Enemy Lines

"I'm hoping it might give me like a slight edge when we get into arguments and fights, like it might make him hesitate just that split second before he thinks about challenging me, and that split second's all I'll need to get my first shot in," Wilson says dryly. - on using his new action hero status against  his brother, Luke.

"The way it worked out was," Owen told us, "Gene Hackman saw Shanghai Noon and recommended me for Behind Enemy Lines, and, uh, I think that's why they hired me. . . . It wasn't so much my agent bringing me the script. It was Gene wanted me to do it."

"No, I'm like, uh, I grew up going to the ocean a lot, so I'm real comfortable in the water. It was actually funny, 'cause my military advisor who, you know, was kind of shepherding me through the thing, like, I guess like as a show of good faith and camaraderie, for the buoyancy thing, where you had to just tread water for like three minutes and take this thing out of your pack and blow it up, he said he'd do it with me. We had to do it for three minutes, and I look over and he's in the corner of the pool and he's like going under! They had to kind of fish him out. So I felt good that I did better than my military advisor."

"Well, they say comedy's hard, but I think drama's the real killer. When you're doing a comedy you kind of have a sense as you're going along if it's working, if it seems funny, if the crew is laughing, how it's playing. With a drama, you don't have any ideas if it's going to work. With this movie, it was really tough, because most of my scenes are just me running. You show up every day and you have to come up with a bunch of ways to make running dramatic, you know - now you're running though a field, now you're running down a hill, now you're crawling through mud. You have to be a real professional to make that interesting (laughs)."

“A lot of the time I wasn’t playing off of somebody. I would just show up at work and [they’d say], ‘Run here and now crawl through the mud here.’ It was a little different,” explains Wilson.

"I mean, it should have been called Running For My Life, cause that's what I'm doing through the whole thing. I don't play a very good badass, and it's funny because the character was originally written that way. It's easier to play him this way than to play a badass. It's like Shanghai Noon. That character was originally supposed to be like this major outlaw. And, I don't know, those characters aren't as funny to me as somebody who's kinda shifty or a con artist."

"Sitting out here, I think of Harvey Keitel in U-571 saying 'I'm an old sea dog,' or whatever he says. Maybe I've got a little of that in me, the old salty dog. Salty Dog Wilson. I've also found myself thinking, on that nautical theme, about Treasure Island, Cast Away and also Cabin Boy. You know, Chris Elliot? Yes, my thoughts do run to Cabin Boy." - talking about filming aboard the USS Carl Vinson at sea.

"We switched it from the pilot to the backseater guy, the navigator. I'm definitely not playing a Schwarzenegger, because I don't think I'd buy myself doing something like that. But I can buy myself running for my life."

"The feeling you get is that these are the best people we could have out there. These are the people we want defending our country." - on the men sent to fight the war against terrorism/the crew of the USS Carl Vinson & the USS Constellation.

Behind Enemy Lines Premiere

"This is going to be so cool," he enthuses. "I take a helicopter to Point Magoo in Malibu, and then I get on an F-18 to San Diego where we're showing the movie to 1,400 guys at the naval base (with reception to follow on the U.S.S. Nimitz)."

"I mean, it'll be incredible. You know how long it takes an F-18 to get from Point Magoo to San Diego? Eight minutes! That's a little faster than the 405 (the San Diego Freeway)."

Ben Stiller

To this day Wilson says that letter from Stiller is “… one of the best notes I’ve ever gotten. Not many people saw BOTTLE ROCKET and Ben was an established person. He took the time to write such a thoughtful letter - it meant a lot to me.”

"Yeah, Ben and I met on the film The Cable Guy and then he wrote a really nice letter saying how much he'd enjoyed Bottle Rocket," says Owen. "We've been close friends ever since. We definitely find the same things funny."

"Ben, for example, is kind of a moody guy, and you kind of have to put on the kid gloves because you never know which Ben is going to show up on set."

"I like to keep things loose when I perform. Ben has a really different approach."

"We're both up-and-down personalities. We've been friends for a long time, and we have a similar sense of humor, but (to Stiller) you're pretty sensitive to stuff. Sensitive to me - on the Zoolander DVD commentary, they start slamming the way I look, saying 'what's the deal with his nose?' And I could hear Ben try to defend me.""

Ben always had a technical term for every mistake he made. If he hit the wall, it was a power slide."

“I wrote a funny thank you note to Ben pretending like he was bothering me, that I really didn’t have time to answer his letter, that I was dictating this letter to my secretary,” laughs Wilson. “I get his name wrong and I say, ‘Your comments are duly noted.’ He actually has that letter up in his office.”

"Writer, director, actor, quitter!" - Owen to Ben Stiller, 2002 Oscars.

Bottle Rocket

“It’s always gratifying when people come up and recognize me from a movie, but the one that means the most is Bottle Rocket. It was the first one, it’s me and my brothers, my friend Wes directed it, and we wrote it together.”

''The star treatment has continued,'' says Wilson. ''On the publicity tour, Dunston (the orangutan from 'Dunston Checks In') stayed at the Ritz-Carlton. We stayed at the Econolodge.''

""It didn't feel like a real movie until James Caan came down,'' said writer Owen Wilson. ""That kind of validated it. ''

"This sums up the trip," Owen observes. "We have had some excellent views of better hotels."

"I asked Jim, 'So, what did you think of that reading we gave?' " said co-writer and co-star Owen Wilson, 27, one of three brothers involved in the project. "He said, 'It was the worst one I ever heard in my whole life.' "

''Brooks came down to Dallas (where the pair now lived) with Polly Platt, and we drove around and talked about the movie. And then we took them to our apartment,'' Wilson remembers. ''He was sort of shocked at our living quarters , and I think that helped us because there was no doubt we could use some assistance once he'd been in our apartment.''

"Yeah, like in The Adventures of Huck Finn, when Tom Sawyer comes to get Jim out, he can't just open the door. He makes them dig a tunnel under the house and do all this stuff they got from The Count of Monte Christo. So Dignan has the same things, where it's not just doing it, it's the style you do it in."

"It's nice to have someone come up and mention Bottle Rocket. That was the first thing that I wrote with my friend Wes Anderson, and he directed it, my two brothers were in it with me, and we filmed it in Dallas, where I grew up--so there's a lot of personal stuff. Hardly any people saw it when it came out in theaters, but then it got a second or third chance on cable and video. If somebody comes up and compliments me on Armageddon or Anaconda [1997) [laughs], it's nice, but it's not really the same."

"None of us moved back to Texas. We just took anything we could to make money."

"Someone added a category beyond four on his card, which was 'sucked'. It was kind of harsh."

"The idea that Luke and Wes and me have been able to do pretty well for ourselves is amazing to me, and it's all because of 'Bottle Rocket. 'The truth is, as soon as I found out I could make movies for a living, it was the happiest day of my life.''

"Why didn't people like that movie more? It's depressing. We thought it was so funny."

"Yeah, cacaw, cacaw. People will say that to me when I'm walking around.  But when someone says "cacaw" to me, I always turn and have a connection with that person."

The reviews of Rocket were abysmal, Wilson was devastated. He found himself turning to God again, "I wandered blindly into a cathedral near the Universal lot, tears streaming down my face, looking for a sanctuary."

"Sometimes I stop and think how strange this all is," explains Owen. "Something that began as a little idea in Austin, that Wes and I just walked around talking about between ourselves, has turned into all this. "

"Wes really stuck with "Bottle Rocket" when we had terrible test screenings. I was looking into joining the Army. I swear," he says, grabbing his keys, ready to move on and resuscitate the mood. "Maybe I'm the kind of optimist who deep down knows it's not going to work."

"I think Bottle Rocket means the most to me," he says, "because it was the first movie, and it's got so much of me and Luke and Wes in it."

"After test screening so badly, I was never able to enjoy it or be proud of it at all. Also, it felt personal because it was the first time I had acted and people were walking out. So, of course, they're walking out because I'm a shitty actor and so is Luke and what the f*** made us think we could act? We were insane. Why would we think people would laugh at this stuff? It's so stupid, it's so indie humor we think is funny. Of course no one else is going to think it's funny. But when we were filming it, we were killing ourselves laughing. And then it turns out it was pretty good. It has just taken eight years for people to come round to it."

"I don't know if the studio was so gung-ho," Owen Wilson says. "It wasn't something they would normally embrace. Jim had just got done with a big, complicated movie, "I'll Do Anything," and he liked the idea of doing something simple and self-contained."

"I think Jim was thinking, 'If I don't make this movie, what's gonna happen to these guys? What will become of them? They just seem to be hanging by a thread here.'"

"I asked Jim, 'So, what did you think of that reading we gave?' " said co-writer and co-star Owen Wilson, 27, one of three brothers involved in the project. "He said, 'It was the worst one I ever heard in my whole life.' " "We kept the crime element in it, but the characters became more like oddballs than real criminals," added Owen Wilson. "These characters aspire to be like the guys in 'Heat.' "

"We couldn't have done it without Ross Perot,'' Owen C. Wilson says.

''(Brooks) asked us to do a reading of the script, which was fine, except we'd never actually done one before,'' Wilson says. ''The script was about 140 pages long, but the computer printout we had made was three or four times that size. It was almost too big to hold, and so we're blundering our way through this epic comedy, and we knew we were blowing it.''

'We went back and frantically cut out a bunch of stuff,'' Wilson says.

(on the full length film being rejected by Sundance) ''We weren't crushed, but we were a little surprised,'' Wilson admits. ''It actually was more amusing than anything. Of course, if we had still been trying to get a deal together to finish it or to get it distributed, it might have been a little more difficult to see the humor in the situation.''  ''Only the font Wes was using on his printer made a 140-page script the equivalent of 300 pages,'' says Owen Wilson. ''We knew something was wrong two hours into it when we were only on page 40. We had a real epic comedy. Jim Brooks looked like he'd been hit with a stun gun.''

''They put us up, but it's not like it was a luxury hotel,'' says Wilson. ''Where we were staying, they told us there were patients on the third floor. But they wouldn't tell us what kind of patients, and they wouldn't let us go up there. So the whole time we were wondering, 'What the f-- are they hiding on the third floor?''

''They put us up, but it's not like it was a luxury hotel,'' says Wilson. ''Where we were staying, they told us there were patients on the third floor. But they wouldn't tell us what kind of patients, and they wouldn't let us go up there. So the whole time we were wondering, 'What the f-- are they hiding on the third floor?''

''Everybody was celebrating,'' says Wilson, ''but we thought we already had the green light. Then after the green light, it was back to '99 percent sure.' In L.A., 99- percent is like 50-50 in the rest of the country. And 90 percent means you're lost.''

After the premiere, says Wilson, ''We had a barbecue -- catered barbecue. People told us that premieres are usually stuffy, but that they had a good time at ours.''

"Dignan is sort of childlike in his enthusiasm and energy. He doesn't censor himself. He has little boy ideas about what it is to be a criminal."

"Yeah, like in The Adventures of Huck Finn, when Tom Sawyer comes to get Jim out, he can't just open the door. He makes them dig a tunnel under the house and do all this stuff they got from The Count of Monte Christo. So Dignan has the same things, where it's not just doing it, it's the style you do it in."

"I didn't read a how-to book, we just kind of started writing the screenplay - Wes had a format on the computer for how to do it, and we just wrote until we had something that we both liked. When we first gave it to Jim Brooks, it was way too long, it was like two hundred pages, so then we did a lot of work with Jim Brooks in sharpening it and giving it more of a three-act structure. That was a really great learning process - I think Rushmore's a better script than Bottle Rocket.

"I knew it wasn't going so great when [Brooks] started watching a basketball game on TV."

"And that's kind of how it was with Bottle Rocket, 'cause, we had been working on the script together out here [Los Angeles] with Jim Brooks. And I had started wearing all white, but like, kind of what I considered kind of a cool version of all white. And then Wes kind of took what my idea was, which was kind of cool, and in Bottle Rocket wanted me to wear all white, but look kind of ridiculous."

Brothers

"We were good until we started getting into firecrackers and girls."

"We’re all real close but we fought a lot and we still will fight but we probably spend more time with each other than we do anybody else."

"It would be hard for me to be the brother who wasn't famous, especially the fact that Andrew is the oldest. But he's just really proud and excited for us. Actually, often Andrew seems happier than Luke or myself with his life. I know it's a cliché, but maybe it's true that success and money doesn't necessarily translate into being happy."

"I remember a Christmas party a couple of years ago, when me and my brothers were all talking and this guy came over and he was like, `Split up you three, you're not doing this, you're always together, you've got to go and talk to other people'. And it really is like that. We like hanging out together."

"Andrew was the hero of the family--a great athlete, dated the prettiest girls. Luke and I really looked up to him," Wilson says. " I don't think I was the clown. My dad was the funny person of the family. I was kind of thought as being creative...and getting into trouble."

"Well, Luke's the heart-throb of the family," he laughs. "Luke was always popular with the girls while we were growing up, but I have to say that I kinda held my own, too. But, in fact, our older brother Andrew is traditionally the best looking in the family. He's acting now, too. He had a little part in Zoolander, actually."

"When Luke and I went out to Los Angeles to meet James Caan (who plays a sleazy thief in the comedy), we went to the beach to play football," said Owen Wilson. "We got into an argument about interference, and the next thing I know, Luke is throwing a punch at me when I'm not looking. So we went into this meeting and I had this shiner and this cut down my face, and it was really funny."

"It's just the three of us, no sisters, and we're really tight," Owen said. "My mom deserves a special place in heaven for putting up with us."

"Yeah. That probably helps in why we don’t feel competitive in terms of movie stuff because we are kind of different. We don’t look that much like brothers, me, Luke and Andrew."

"It's my 'Big Chill' moment," Owen said. "He's family, so I just love him and I feel protective because he's my younger brother. He just makes me laugh."

"s there nothing that bugs him about Little Brother? "He's moody, like I am."

"We get along pretty well, but there are some disagreements over how the house should be run," he says, comparing their setup to The Odd Couple. "Luke is actually kind of like Felix and I'm more of the Oscar. He's a little bit touchy about his stuff."

"For some reason women always go for Luke, it must be those hang-dog eyes."

(on kissing Luke's then girlfriend, Gwyneth Paltrow on-screen) "I don't think he was jealous about it, but I was a little self-conscious maybe," says Owen. "We're only competing for her affection on-screen."

"I think there is a middle child syndrome" says Owen, "I don't know quite what it is but I think I suffer from it."

"Maybe when we were really little, Andrew would would beat me up sometimes and stuff," Owen recalled. Now, he and Luke are working on a movie they might direct together, so he's around. But he hasn't been high profile and stuff. It's weird, I think it could [change the relationship] with me if Andrew and Luke made it and I felt kind of left out. But I guess it's a testament to Andrew -- sort of that strength of character -- [that] he always seems really happy."

"We spent so much time together that I can remember us being in our teens and our dad saying we should try to find some other friends because he thought we were our own lowest common denominator when we got together."

"And the worst would be advice I've gotten from my brothers, Luke and Andrew. I'd tell them about a situation and their response was always to escalate it -- you have a violent reaction, make it even worse. They're never ones to say, 'Just walk away and let it go. They're like, "F--k that guy!'"

"Well, we're like real competitive with games," Owen said, "like who can hit that post with a rock. But with Hollywood stuff, Luke and Andrew saw Behind Enemy Lines and they loved it, and I think they're really excited. There's a shared excitement in making movies and making a living doing something creative. We bond over watching the World Series together and going down to the ocean, playing around down by the beach."

"It's really not so much what we're doing," Owen continued, "but being around each other and kind of talking. One of the nice things is that you don't have to be real polite, the way you would with strangers. You can give each other a little grief, and a lot of times it seems two of the brothers are ganging up on another. It's like Lord of the Flies."

(on living with Luke) "That's probably a sign of real immaturity. It needs to change. It's ridiculous."

"But it’s really weird to have trailers out at the same time and it’s weird to both have movies coming out. It’s strange enough to be in the movies, but to have a movie coming out at the same time as my brother is really odd. I get more nervous about how his movie is going to do than I do about my own for some reason. We’re best friends so we don’t really get into whose movie is going to make more money."

(on giving Luke hints that it was time to move out) "The hints got more and more obvious," he says. "We have a message board in the house. I wrote on it, 'Going to miss you, Luke.' "

(on cooking at home) "Luke was doing chili for a while," Owen says. "It was out of a can, warming it up. For us, that was pretty enterprising."

"When Luke and I went out to Los Angeles to meet James Caan (who plays a sleazy thief in the comedy), we went to the beach to play football," said Owen Wilson. "We got into an argument about interference, and the next thing I know, Luke is throwing a punch at me when I'm not looking. So we went into this meeting and I had this shiner and this cut down my face, and it was really funny."

"Usually it's like two brothers ganging up on another one. It's like Lord of the Flies sometimes."

"To be honest, I have to say that I don't miss Luke," Owen laughs. "I certainly didn't invite him to live with me in the first place. I told him one day that I'd bought this house in Santa Monica, and he came on and hit me hard and said, "When do WE move in?'" recalls Owen. "I'd been trying to get him out ever since," he laughs.

"I said, 'Sir, I've gotten a lot of tickets, and I know I deserved them...but can I just say in my brother's defense that I was urging him to go faster.'" - helping Luke to avoid a speeding ticket.

(on Andrew and Luke directing him in TWBS) "I felt like both Luke and Andrew were kind of directing me," he says. "Although Andrew was probably talking to me more about my character. But I would notice that Luke was kind of whispering stuff to him."

Which one was the toughest director? "Andrew actually seems the most easygoing," Owen says. "Luke can be sort of tightly wound. But Andrew can snap. And he did actually, at one point. With the pressure of the movie, he could sometimes lose it a little bit."

(on being directed by his brothers) "There was some debate about that before I got down there," Owen says. "It's OK to be directed by your older brother. I'm used to him bossing me around. But having your younger brother tell you what he thinks you need to do, that's more difficult to swallow. But I managed to rise above it. I told Luke that if he had anything to say to me just say it to Andrew and let him tell me."

(on Luke) "I was surprised to see the way the movie was edited," Owen says at a press conference earlier in the day, smiling as he gets ready to spin some whimsy. "Because the way it was pitched to me was that I was kind of the hero of the piece. I was a little disappointed that I didn't really have the audience on my side."

Owen admits "it's a very difficult position to be in" as the middle child in life and in filmmaking.

[getitinbusan]

Studio Sessions 3

It's Min Yoongi's birthday and you're ready to give him whatever he wants. When he makes a sarcastic wish while blowing out the candles he didn't think you'd take it seriously. But he's glad you did.

When word spreads about these special "Studio Sessions" everyone wants to collaborate. A chaptered 0T7 smut. 

These stand alone but you won't want to miss reading all of them!

The Collaborators

Part One : Taehyung

Part Two: Jimin

This one gets a bit rough 18+

The Namjoon & Hoseok Collaboration

You made your way through the maze of BigHit hallways, mission: Hobi and Joon.

The practice rooms were all on the lower levels, fully equipped with cameras, sound systems, mirrors and everything else you'd need to make your "video". Inhaling deeply you pushed the doors open, this was going to be a challenge. 

Hobi was working on choreo and Joon was on his phone, their attention shifting to you when you locked the door. "Are we in trouble?" Namjoon laughed. 

"I guess that depends on how you look at it." you answered. "I'm going to cut to the chase guys, we need to have sex." 

Namjoon laughed nervously, "I guess it's been a while but I wouldn't say I need to."

Chiming in Hobi added, "I just had sex last week...and you and Yoongi have sex all the time?" You walked over to the motion sensor camera and flicked it on, enabling the direct  share.

"I mean, we have to have sex together."

They stared at each other and both started laughing. "Is this some kind of joke?"

The stereo was next, syncing it to your Bluetooth you put on your makeout playlist and sent Yoongi his link to watch the recording. "No joke, it's Yoongi's birthday wish that I get the shit fucked out of me." 

Hobi grabbed a bottle of water, "I don't believe it, why us? This has to be a set up."

You walked over to him grabbing the bottle,"It's no fucking joke Hoseok, I just found out that my boyfriend and you fucked, now I want my turn." 

Namjoon's face went completely red, "is this your first time finding that information out too?" you questioned him.

"So this is a revenge thing? Because that was years ago, it's not like he cheated on you." Hope was getting defensive.

"Not revenge at all actually, I just don't think it's fair that he's had your dick in his ass and I haven't." Walking over to the lights you turned the dimmer switch. 

"I don't think I need to be involved in this." Namjoon moved to the door. 

"Listen, call Taehyung, just ask, ask him about how he got to fuck me while Yoongi watched." 

Their jaws dropped and neither moved to make that call. Holding up your phone you hit Tae's contact and put it on speaker. He answered "hello" groggily, "Hey, were you sleeping? Did I tire you out today?" you asked. 

He chuckled, "You did, I'm just resting up in case you want to go again."

You raised your eyebrow at Joon, "I do, that's why I'm calling. I need your help."

You could hear him shifting, "Fuck Y/N, Yoongi wasn't kidding. You really are insatiable. Where do you want me? Are you still in the studio?"

You giggled at his exuberance, "Sorry Tae, you already had your turn. I'm here with Hobi and Joon and it seems they're not as eager as you were."

"Namjoons a prude, and I'm pretty sure that while Hope swings both ways, he prefers guys." Tae's deep voice carried through the studio.

"Hey asshole you're on speaker." Hope countered back.

Tae chuckled, "You're liars if you're going to pretend you haven't thought about it. Yoongi Hyung is giving you a free pass to fuck his girlfriend and...ten out of ten, I highly recommend it."

_______________________________

Yoongi watched the livelink, his monitor displaying you circling the two men like prey. They were reluctantly giving in to your advances as you dissolved what little will power they had. He had to give them credit for at least questioning your motives unlike Jimin and Taehyung. 

_______________________________

Hanging up the call with Taehyung you waited for their answer. 

Hoseok moved towards you while looking into the camera to address Yoongi. "So you never told her that we used to be a thing? You didn't want to tell her why we always chose each other as roommates? Too embarrassed to tell her how good I used to fuck you?"

He was standing in front of you, "Show me Hoseok, show me how he liked to be fucked, please...I want it...want you."

Grabbing your hair and pulling your head back he licked from your collar bone to your chin. "Does he still like it rough?" You went weak in the knees, you'd never expected this from happy little Hobi. 

Namjoon was standing by the door contemplating whether or not he should flee the room. His phone vibrated.

Yoongi: It's okay, just fuck her. 

Mentally wrestling his morals Joon moved to the makeup chair.

Hobi lifted your dress and pulled your underwear down. "Oh look Joon, she's got a really pretty shaved pussy." 

He stuck his finger between your legs and quickly dipped it inside you. "Wet little slut." He said as he pulled out the slick covered digit and licked it clean. 

"She's tasty Yoongi, If she were mine I'd never take my face out of her cunt."  

He certainly knew what he was doing, a perpetual showman. You wondered how Yoongi was feeling watching the performance being put on just for him? 

Grabbing your hair again he pulled you over to Namjoon, "I think our leader needs some convincing." 

Joon didn't want to look you in the eye, he really was a prude. Removing every piece of clothing you stood naked presenting yourself before him, "You don't have to do this Y/N." His face finally turning to meet yours. 

"I want to," you let your fingers caress your breast, "Don't you want me Joon?" Leaning over you brushed his cheek and moved in to place a small delicate kiss on his lips. 

Dropping your hand between his thighs you could feel his swelling bulge. "Haven't you wondered what it would feel like to be inside me…" you undid his zipper, "I know you've heard Yoongi and I through the hotel wall. Did you ever get off listening to us fuck?" 

He groaned, his dick was full and ready, all sensibility shifting from his brain to his crotch. He grabbed your head with his large hand and pulled you onto his lips kissing you. "You have no idea how many times I've had to touch myself listening to you cum." 

Hoseok stood pants down, already stroking himself. "Let's get these off," you motioned to their clothes. 

Standing up you finally got a look at both their bodies. You always knew Joon was thick, his body was muscular but you never expected him to have a fat cock. The anticipation of him stretching you out made you somehow impossibly hornier. 

Hobi was very much like his frame, long and thin, the kind of cock that could hit deep. He, just like you, was completely clean shaven. 

Dropping to your knees you grabbed them, one in each hand. Your mouth moving back and forth trying to give them equal attention. Every now and  again you'd make sure to stare into the camera, reminding Yoongi that it was him on your mind. Saliva dripping off their cocks as they praised you, you wondered, was he watching? 

Helping you up from your knees both men stationed themselves on either side of your body. A sheer wave of ecstasy ran through you as they each attached themselves to a nipple.

"Oh my god, fuck, someone needs to fucking get their fingers inside me... I'm going to cum so hard."

As good as having your tits sucked felt, having them both sucked at the same time was mind blowing.

Hope's long fingers made their way inside you pumping and rubbing your g spot mercilessly until you squirted all over the studio floor. 

"Are you ready to get that ass fucked now baby?" Hoseok looked at you with greed in his eyes. 

Taking Joon by the hand and leading him to the bench you pumped his cock, "only if I can take you both at the same time."

Both men moaned audibly at the idea. "Lay down on your back," you instructed Joon. Straddling him you sank down slowly onto his red weeping dick.

As predicted, he filled you perfectly, pussy lips stretched around him tightly. Hobi stood back cupping his balls waiting his turn.

"Fuck Joon your cock is phenomenal." Your cunt was so needy he slid in and out of you with ease, covered in your thick cream. 

"Are you ready Hope?" He grinned like the Cheshire cat moving behind you. 

Sticking his fingers in your mouth he stroked them over your tongue. Pulling them back out, strands of  saliva landed on your back before he eagerly stuck his pointer straight into your ass.

"Nice and relaxed, I bet Yoongi fucks your little hole all the time doesn't he?" 

When you didn't respond he sharply smacked you leaving a bright red welt across your ass cheek.

"Fucking answer me." He was unexpectedly rough, but it was okay. You wouldn't let him break you.

The Second finger went in deep and fast with no warning as you gasped for breath. Joon pulled your face down, "relax and focus on me."

The contrast between Joon's gentle ways and Hobi's roughness created a perfect balance of pleasure and pain. Leaning into him you kissed his lips as Hobi began pushing his cock into you.

"Good girl," he purred as he picked up speed. "Who's better at fucking your ass...hmmm me or Yoongi?"

You didn't answer and his hand struck you again. "I asked you a fucking question baby girl?"

Tears rolled down your cheek landing on Joons face. "You need to answer me."

Trying to distract yourself, you pressed your lips to Joons and ground yourself into his pubic mound stimulating your clit. Pulling your hair and yanking you away from Joon he asked again.

"Yoongi! 

_______________________________

Was it going too far? He couldn't tell. You hadn't used the safe word but he had never been this rough with you. When you called his name he jumped from his chair ready to run to the practice room. Hand about to turn the handle your words made him go back to watching. 

_______________________________

"Fucking Yoongi! Your cock is nothing compared to his." 

Another hard slap landed across your flesh but this time you laughed. "Is that all you have?"

Fucking yourself harder against him you refused to let him have the upper hand. "No wonder he never told me about you if this is all you've got." 

Aggression and anger filling the air, you were all erotically charged. Everyone thrusting harder and faster you came, squeezing Namjoon inside you. "Can I cum in you?" He panted. No sooner than the yes left your lips his cum was shooting inside you. Hoseok was hanging onto your hips like a vice as he found his end pulling out and cumming on your back. 

_______________________________

Yoongi left his studio in a rush to collect you. He knew your physical tiredness would be compounded by the emotionally draining exhaustion from this round. He just wanted to take care of you. 

_______________________________

Joon hugged you while Hoseok apologized for taking things too far. Reassuring him everything was okay between you, you kissed his cheek.

Turning the lock and twisting the handle Yoongi stood waiting. He pulled you into his embrace and kissed your forehead, "Are you okay, do you want to stop?" 

You kissed the back of his hand, "Do you really think I'm going to give up when I'm one away from Jeon Jungkook?"

_______________________________

Jin

Jungkook

Yoongi

@phoenicia1533

[dreamiesdotcom]

you've been fooled! | p.js

Summary: There's something about coffee, breathless moments, and watching memories of the many April 1st you've shared that makes it so hard to resist.

Word Count: 2.1k

You've always been fine with being alone. Being alone afforded you silence, and that's all that you need to have the illusion of peace of mind. That's why months before entering this school, you considered it your mission to not get too much attention on you — if possible, none at all.

Only that it fails the moment you step in, an angel-faced boy asking you if God sent you to this school to guide him.

'No, my parents are the one who sent me here and it's so that I can get an education, not babysit kids.' You politely said, and now you can't even count how many people keep on praising you for doing that! How rare is it to see someone tell others to leave them alone? You swore that one more person trying to talk to you when you're trying to have a sandwich and you're —

"New kid?" a voice rings from behind you, and you turn your head back a little so you could see who's speaking. He grimaces a bit. "Oh, Y/N from the rival school, huh. I've heard fun things about you."

...perfect. Now, you can forget your mission and die.

Your day instantly glooms, and you turn back to your meal. All your plans of starting fresh has just been washed away, and you take an angry bite off your sandwich before someone completely ruins lunch for you.

"If it's about that video, leave me alone."

Silence.

"Donghyuck! Oh God, I'm so sorry..." suddenly comes another boy, slightly panting as he pats the mean one's shoulder a little too harshly. His eye-smile makes it a little better.

"Hyuck's not trying to be mean, he just speaks like that. 'm so sorry!!!"

You squint at him, skeptical.

"Oh, I meant when you told Jaemin to back off when he tried to flirt with you on the hallways." Ah, that. What a fresh start, huh?

Said Donghyuck scratches his nape, looking sheepish as he takes the seat beside you. "Did I sound like I was picking a fight again?"

You chuckle to yourself. That probably explains the cut on his lips pretty well.

"Yeah, you kinda did. Sorry, bro, but I would've slapped you."

"What a way to spend your first day, then." He rolls his eyes, motions for his friends to move tables, who does with little hesitation, "Welcome to this hell hole! It's not the best, but it's as good as Satan's den could be."

You laugh, but you quickly notice curious stares directed at you. The person in front of you smiles shyly and looks away when you meet gazes, and honestly, you don't know how you went from there to a year later, Park Jisung shamelessly holding out a drink at your direction.

"Just drink it, it's iced chocolate! I made it myself!"

"That's nice, Sung... but I only drink coffee." you warily smile, "I don't like sweet things."

The sly smirk Renjun sends you from the other side of the table only encourages your little act, and it takes you all the self-control you could muster to not crack up then and there. Of course, you know what day it is. Of course, you're not gonna fall for his antics, nor the kicked-puppy expression he wears as he insists, "Liar! You live for sweets!"

But, you must admit that it did make you waver.

"No? I like strongly flavored stuff, Sungie," you point out with a grimace. Just for show, you point to Jaemin's cup beside you. "Like this: Nana's coffee, really bitter and strong. This is what I like."

Chenle holds in his laughter. "Since you made it yourself, why don't you just drink it?"

Jisung's eyes widen, "What? No!"

"Drink, Sungie!" comes in chants, alongside multiple repeated versions of 'Jisung! Jisung!' seems to hit something much like his pride, and he lifts it with an expression not suitable for the situation; he looked way too afraid of the chocolate drink. Everyone's holding in their giggles as they watch Jisung grimace and take a gulp out of the cup, trying to play cool even though he chokes not even moments later. Your smile widens.

The salt must be a nice twist.

What a classic, huh? Donghyuck grins, Cheshire and smug, and then he claps.

"Happy April Fool's day, everyone! Park Jisung has fooled himself!"

###

No way in the world are the only words circulating in your head as you pace around, and it's not at all helping. You heave a big sigh only to hiss at him, "What do you mean 'no pranks this year'?"

He shrugs and flops down his bed, "You know we're running out of ideas since Christmas."

"Oh," you widen your eyes, dropping down next to him with your palms covering your face in disappointment. You peek through your fingers, "This is bad."

The plastic stars you've plastered on his ceiling together with Renjun look sickly green at the moment and everything feels out of place. After all, what is April 1st without pranks? What's gonna happen now? You thrash around the bed. You muffle a scream and just hope that he'd open his mouth and come up with something.

"Hey, what about we go on a date as a prank?"

And as usual, his mouth is better off closed.

"Is this your way of flirting, or is this your way of asking me out?"

Jisung makes a confused sound, "What? It's gonna make them freak out, what do you mean?"

"Are you acting out on your feelings or do you actually think that's a good idea?" you take your hands off your face, sitting up and then shrugging at him, "Lines blurred."

"Err. Could be a prank, I guess..." he follows suit, sitting cross-legged in front of you. He smiles, "Unless... you want it to be a real date?'

"Dude, I don't know. When did you get this confidence? Years ago you were stuttering around me." You huff, not knowing where this conversation is going, but a flush creeps on your cheeks. You look down on your fingers as you mumble out the next words, "But if it is... well, sure. I'll go on a real date with you."

You didn't know what falling in love felt like, but in the middle of his room, something felt way too raw and surreal. What is it that says so much about him? Is it the plastic stars? The globe laying on his desk? The map taped at the side of the room? The way dull blue paints his walls, or the way constellations speckle his eyes? Maybe it's the yellow hoodie he's wearing? You don't know which, but right now, something feels strange — something in the scent of cinnamon and cocoa and shades of yellows and blues just feels unabashedly Jisung, and somehow, you just thought that it must be like this.

It should be legal to feel this good.

"Ha! You're kissing, aren't you— oh..."

You both startle to look at where the door swings open, everyone in your friend group standing behind an accusing Jaemin, each one of them looking at him with the eyes of murder. You crack up a laugh, falling over the bed laughing; alone is slightly less entertaining of a thought when you have friends.

"Aish, Na Jaemin —" Jisung groans, standing up while clapping at the older. "Happy April Fool's,  you've fooled yourself."

###

Knees pressed together, head down low, eyes closed, mind empty. Anguished and cold.

"But I've tried my best...." you dejectedly whisper, holding the paper in your hands that said 'Second' in silver delicate swirls. You look up to her with hopeful eyes, "All I need is a chance, mom. You see, Renjun's really good at that subject, he could help me—"

"Those friends again! 'You see', this is why you didn't make it as top of your class!"

"It's... it's one subject, mom. If I try harder, I can —"  you scramble to explain, chasing after her as she moves up the stairs. "You're... mom, you're not taking me away, aren't you?"

The despair in your tone doesn't even shake her. "One day. Go have your fun, and then we'll leave. I'll ask your brother to focus on you more."

"Mom, no! We said that if I study well here, I won't have to leave!"  you reason out. "I really like it here, and I have important people here, and I'm trying hard. We agreed that I'd get to stay if I don't cause trouble, and mom— mom, no, listen!"

"That's my choice. It's for the betterment of your academics—"

"But what about the betterment of my life? What about my choice, mom?"  you hate the way you feel so weak and your voice cracks, but through the blur of fears and your unshed tears, you croak out, "What about me?"

Anguished and cold. So cold, freezing. So loved and all on your own.

"Last time you made a choice, you shamed yourself and this family. You don't deserve your freedom, Y/N." She grimaces. The memory fills your gut with guilt, "And look at you, answering back at your own mother! It's those friends, isn't? They've ruined you more than you've already ruined yourself!"

Quickly enough, the remorse is gone and anger floods you. How dare she?! You look up to her in disbelief, "This is about you ruining my trust, mother. Not them."

"The boy, then." she muses, and it's where you decide that there's no changing her mind. "Love, Y/N, will get you nowhere at the moment."

But it's what kept me alive until now.

You inhale sharply at your thoughts. How does one make forever out of a day?

Maybe you can walk every street, every corner. That date you and Jisung never got to go to, you could do that too because heaven knows how much you wanted that. Maybe you can go take them anywhere, somewhere, and waste away. Maybe you could fall asleep staring at the stars, sharing your dreams, and maybe, just maybe, time wouldn't matter. Better yet, maybe you can change your mother's mind.

Maybe if you just try again, this time much fiercer although you've always been the fiercest, it might be possi—it's impossible. You realize it's impossible as you look out the car windows, watching the city change landscapes in blurs.

Maybe it's really just a different kind of heartbreak to be doing all that you could and still not get the results you wanted. More than it proved that now is not your time again, it also made you feel like a failure. Like you're lacking, insufficient. Never enough.

But you really, really thought you could stay. You hoped.

"Happy April Fool's..." you whispered to no one but yourself, meeting your mother's gaze as she smiles at you through the rearview mirror. You lean your head to the glass, eyes closed and mumbling under your breath, smiling on your own, "I've fooled myself."

And just like that, you were alone again.

###

"Good Morning, may I take your order?"

You press your lips in a thin line as you hear the muffled voice, phone in between your shoulders and ear as you search for your pouch somewhere around your bag. Hurriedly, you muster up your words, "Oh, yes, good Morning too! Just one Iced Americano, please—"

That voice... who?

Looking up, your heartbeat halts, and you try not to look so stunned, something you miserably failed. At least, that's what you read in his amused expression. You stay in silence as you wait for him to finish up your drink, carefully pushing your card towards him as you take your drink from his hold.

"I... I see you're still helping Yongie, huh?" you smile softly, hesitant. "Thank you, Jisung."

Flashbacks, sweet smiles, children at play every day of the year no matter how old — free. When was the last time you've missed such freedom?

He returns the favor, that saccharine expression, and you drag yourself out of the place before you decide to do something stupid. Why is it so easy to see the past years when you're watching it flash by through his eyes?

Standing outside the Cafe wistfully, you look at your cup, tracing over his messy handwriting of your name, basking on the nostalgia of seeing the same hastily written letters that somewhere in time occupied most of your cards, notebooks, and journals. A fond chuckle leaves your lips as you read the post-it note attached.

Happy April Fool's day!

I thought I'd give you hell once you come back for leaving, but well, Park Jisung's fooled himself, huh? My number's still the same. Let's talk sometime soon.

I missed you.

[bronyinabottle]

In a recent post on I Dream of Twilight Sparkle I said that I noticed asks that were not in my inbox the last time I decided to read through my entire ask box. So I did the same for my mod blog. And while there were some also that I didn't see before. Most are questions I feel either I feel like I may have already sufficiently answered enough with my thoughts on an episode and/or it'd be weird at this point to answer something that's obviously years after the fact.

But there is two I found that I feel like I may want to respond to. The person who sent it was someone who used to discuss the show with me almost all the time, though obviously they must no longer be on Tumblr as all their blogs are deactivated. But I still want to answer since it is sort of relevant to recent stuff. Particularly in their 2nd ask.

By the way, I'm always open to questions on the show or even non-pony topics here on my modblog. I still do love talking about G4 ponies and I wouldn't mind some questions if any of you would like to know my opinion on anything. Now that the show has been over for nearly 2 years , I can have a perspective on many topics about Friendship is Magic that I wouldn't mind sharing. Maybe some things have changed here and there, though I think I still generally have a positive attitude towards most things for certain. I stuck with the show until the very end, and was satisfied with how it ended. And I still have interest in doing more in G4's world even as G5 approaches. (Though I'm sure perhaps once that movie has aired that may be the focus of any questions sent here)

((My answer and more after the break))

For the most part, I think I still generally agree with what I said in my initial thoughts about the Season 6 finale. It's a solid episode with some great interactions between Starlight, Trixie, Discord, and Thorax. Though the way the ending is executed is a bit of a headscratcher. Maybe somewhat less so since thinking about it now, like even if Chrysalis did keep some things loyal. What would stop them from eventually seeing what Thorax's changelings did shortly after.

But I suppose I wanted to answer this mostly about Starlight. Since while the Season 6 finale made HomerJ get over some remaining feelings about Starlight. I'll admit it took literally until writing Secrets of the Dragon's Tear (A year after the show was over) to realize the sort of potential that Starlight had. The baggage from the Season 5 finale always felt like a cloud above her for the entire rest of the show's run. And I consider Season 6's largest mistake is not trying harder to endear us to Starlight. That's what that season's entire job was, to try to make us feel a little better of how rather rushed Starlight's redemption was by giving us a more expanded look into Starlight's character. And unfortunately, I feel like it failed at that in my opinion. Thus I basically disagree (Though respect the opinion of) with those who would say the Season 6 finale was when Starlight finally won them over.

Don't get me wrong, I like how Starlight is portrayed in the episode. But it would of been stronger if say the season had explained more about Starlight's past. How did Starlight get her cutie mark, and given her opinion on Cutie Marks how did she feel at the time?

Instead, we mostly just got Starlight reuniting with Sunburst that didn't exactly give any more details to her rather vague reasons for turning to darkness from him moving away other then finding out Sunburst's personality and how his side of the story went. And from there we had Starlight befriend Trixie... in an episode I still don't really like to this day.

Ironically, the character in the Hearth's Warming episode that casts Starlight as the story's version of Scrooge (Snowfall Frost) is given more reason to sympathize with then Starlight herself.

Starlight then just about disappears up until the episode that introduces Thorax. Where she doesn't do much other then be among the crowd that Spike has to convince that Thorax is not evil.

The next time we see her is Every Little Thing She Does. Which is something of a controversial ep from what I hear, though ironically despite my skepticism of Starlight at the time. I actually sort of liked that episode since it was basically Starlight's own Lesson Zero. Though I get why Starlight deciding to hypnotize all the Mane 6 besides Twilight against their will would not be approved of. Though it does feel like at the very least Twilight and the rest give her enough of a piece of their mind at the end.

And that's how things stood before the Season 6 finale happened. Even though I do think Starlight has good moments in said finale, nothing earlier in the season really dispelled many of my feelings about the Season 5 finale's ending. So despite a good showing, I could hardly care for it. I wasn't convinced yet we were given a satisfactory answer about the many questions that Starlight's sudden redemption prompted.

Another part of my thoughts I feel still applies is when I mentioned that Starlight's a "Diet Sunset Shimmer" (Which considering what I did to link the two for SOTDT, is a bit funny in hindsight). It took just one movie (Rainbow Rocks) for the fanbase to turn a 180 on Sunset. While an entire season with Starlight as one of the good guys goes by and she remained just as divisive as before if not more so by the end of Season 6.

Come Season 7, and Starlight appears quite a bit more often though under the assumption that the Season 6 finale was enough to warm you up to her. There were many complaints during the first half of Season 7 that she was appearing more then she should (Even in an Equestria Girls special where she got to meet the character she was so often compared to). Though another thing about Starlight in Season 7 in hindsight is besides from her meeting a few more friends like Maud. Starlight isn't actually given much to actually work towards. They dropped the whole student aspect so it's not like she was doing friendship lessons under Twilight anymore (Though I suppose on the bright side for the detractors, it lessened worries about her becoming an Alicorn). Season 8 and 9 does somewhat fix that by having Starlight employed at the school, first as a counselor and ultimately ending with her as the school's Principal as Twilight herself got promoted to sole ruler. Which I'm still unsure about if fans of her character feel that was a proper ending for her. Though probably the best that could of been done in context of not much having been done with her over time.

Still, at least for me personally it felt there was alot missing about Starlight and as time went on it became obvious I wasn't going to get the satisfactory answers about her that I wanted. So as a result, I only had lukewarm reactions when a new Starlight episode was coming up. It also didn't help that there were two episodes that raised my hopes of at least one interesting aspect that would of been cool to see. The first being the episode "All Bottled Up" which I had hoped would mean it would be an episode that's somewhat genie related. And then there was Road to Friendship where Starlight and Trixie try to travel to Saddle Arabia (which is an important location in I Dream of Twilight Sparkle)... and yet never actually get there. So even on the few times that I was hoping to be excited about a Starlight episode, it dropped the ball. Partly my fault for getting so hyped about something that wasn't promised, but I would of loved to at least SEEN canon Saddle Arabia.

I'd never say that I hated Starlight back during the show's run. But she was a frustrating character for certain back then. I couldn't hate Starlight as much as some others did, but at the same time I couldn't like her as much as others. She was in likability limbo. For every fun and or good moment that included her, it's brought right back by either lingering problems that arised from the Season 5 finale or otherwise dropping the ball in some way.

In some ways, she's still a frustrating character. Though that's just how it'll always be with the canon Starlight. It's up entirely now to fanon to give their approach on Starlight that was never done in Canon. With SOTDT, I obviously did a bit of a "Fine, I'll do it myself" when it comes to making Starlight a more satisfactory character for me. Though I'm sure there are many interpretations that are vastly different from how I approached it that can satisfy others and probably be more popular and better written then mine. (My interpretation might be understandably controversial just for Starlight being put back on a path where she'll likely become an Alicorn eventually. Something Starlight detractors feared the most. Though I think I at least try to explain as best I could that makes sense with the story, her cutie mark moment being similar to Twilight's, and the identity of her mother. And I myself sort of feared Starlight becoming an Alicorn might happen, so for me to actually write it so that it might be inevitable. That's just how much of a 180 I've taken on Starlight because of writing SOTDT)

I think I mentioned this before, but I can pretty much say that in a way that I can actually say I like Starlight now. But sort of in a "FiM's biggest missed opportunity" sort of way that it becomes sort of sad to look at how canon Starlight was done. Rather then me simply shrugging her off back when I didn't care so much about her. I also understand it's a bit cheating to say I like Starlight now after doing my own sort of fanfic that had her in a major role since that might be me tooting my own horn a bit.

Though I will say as much as necessary that I am very aware alot of what happens in SOTDT would have been impossible to do in canon and I don't plan on pushing what I did to expand on Starlight's backstory as gospel. It only applies to what I'm doing on the blog, I will not be making a case that my interpretation is the only correct one. I'd actually welcome seeing some different interpretations on things such as who Starlight's mother is, what they feel her past was like outside of the Sunburst leaving incident, and/or especially how Starlight originally got her cutie mark. (I've even said my personal guess is different then how I did it in SOTDT, as my guess is she got it the first time she discovered the cutie mark removal spell). Cause if nothing else, I've realized Starlight is a very interesting character that I think would be fun to explore all the possibilities with. It certainly could be something for those still on the G4 train to talk with one another about.

[mrsedmercer]

Steamy Love (A Tom Hiddleston x Reader) Chapter 30:~Time After Time~ FINALE

Summary: The nights alone have become colder and colder, and not just because of the weather.

Warnings: Angst in the beginning.

Read it on my Wattpad: www.wattpad.com/HiddlesStar

Word count: 2596

Tags: @theoneanna @midnightdragonzero @drakesfiance @kcd15 @ihthr @deviantsendbyreallife @bookgirlunicorn @cherrygeek86 @peachlobotomy666

A/N: This is it. The final chapter. Thank you so much for everyone that has liked, reblogged, or simply read any and every chapter of this fic. It's the first fanfiction I've completed in almost 5 years, but it's the first I've ever made public on Tumblr. It may be a while until I get back into writing completely, as I've decided to ship some of my creative focus towards drawing. I'm not very good at it, but I aspire to improve. Will I show my work at all? Maybe, if there's really a demand for it (though I doubt it lmao). I may post some Oneshots here or there. We'll see.

Until then, thank you for reading.

After you'd return home, Tom would start calling you at least twice a day for the next couple weeks. You didn't have the heart to block his number, but you certainly weren't going to pick up and talk to him. You couldn't believe what had happened at that event. You couldn't believe you allowed it to happen. You were always against public sex, but you couldn't help yourself around him. It's like he had you under a spell that forced you to need him. To desire him.

That's why you needed to stay far away from him. It doesn't matter that he loves you. He hurt you, in ways you can't even explain. In ways you don't want to explain. You just wanted to forget that night. Forget your feelings.

Forget him.

Though even after a month of locking yourself into your work, you still received his calls. You kept hearing about the play he was in and how great he was doing, even though the public had finally found out that you were no longer together. You couldn't help but check up on him and his play. While it hurt to hear his name, you were proud of him. You were proud of all he had already accomplished. You wish you could just talk to him and hear him boast about it. You were so excited to talk to him more about it before the big fight. It ate away at your heart that you couldn't hear him ramble about it. Hear the excited tone in his voice. You didn't want to stay mad at him, especially after the last thing he said to you...

Did he mean it? Did he...love you? Really love you? In truth, you were tired of being angry. You just wanted a chance to talk, but everytime he'd call you, you'd freeze up. You wouldn't, or couldn't answer.

That night, you really couldn't get to sleep, and you couldn't put on a happy smile for a stream. All you could really do is lay in bed with your phone beside you, quietly thinking to yourself.

You heard your phone begin to ring, looking at the Caller ID. You recognized the number. It was Tom.

You felt your heart flutter a little. You've been thinking about him all day, and you had wondered if these calls were ever going to stop. Did you even want them to stop?

Before the ringing would stop, you picked up the phone and answered it, holding it up to your ear. You heard nothing. Not even breathing.

"...Hello?..." You whispered, already feeling your emotions flare up. "...Tom?.."

"...You picked up.." You heard him speak, his tone sounding a little shaky. Had he been crying?

"Y-Yeah, I know..." You smirked slightly, sitting up some. "I-I guess I had to, eventually.."

"You...haven't picked up at all...f-for weeks.." Tom whispered. "I-I've just...been calling to hear your voicemail."

That hit you rather harder than you expected it to, already feeling tears well up in your eyes. You didn't want to get emotional again, but it was hard not to. He sounded sad.

"H...How's the play been?.." You asked, giving a shaky smile.

"Good.." You heard a half laugh from Tom. "I-It's been...fun. I...wish you could see it."

You frowned a little, closing your eyes to let some tears slowly fall down your cheeks.

"...Me too.." You admitted, giving a shaky breath. "I...I'm...tired of being angry. I want to talk.."

Tom let out another sigh, taking a minute to find the right words before speaking up again.

"...I was wrong to get angry at you.." Tom spoke, his voice a little shaky again. "I shouldn't of said the things I said, and I should've let you speak for yourself instead of barging out of that house and leaving you with all that paperwork. I regret it. I regret it all. I regret everything I did to you to make you upset, (Y/N).."

You frowned deeply, the hand holding the phone becoming a little shaky. You believed him, but part of you still hurt. He really did break your heart.

You sniffled somewhat, knowing he heard it. "D-Did you mean it?.." You finally managed to ask, your body shivering a little.

"I didn't mean to make you upset.." Tom spoke, though he was a little confused with what you meant.

"I-I mean...at the show.." You let out a shaky breath. "W-When you said you loved me...did you mean it? Or--Or was is just from the heat of the moment?.."

"...I meant it." Tom admitted, giving a slight sad chuckle. "I absolutely mean it. I love you.."

You couldn't help but smile, your heart fluttering up again. You placed a hand on your chest, feeling your heartbeat increase.

"...I love you too, Tom.." You spoke, holding back a slight sob.

You heard Tom give a shaky chuckle. You could practically see his big smile in your head. You missed that smile dearly. You wished you could see it again.

"S-So.." Tom calmed himself, clearing his throat a bit. "Wh-What now? Will you take me back?"

You smiled a little. "D-Do you think this would work? A long distance sort of thing?.." You asked.

"If I could fly you down here to be with me, I would.." Tom admitted. "But this play has me incredibly busy. I hardly have time to walk Bobby in the morning.."

"And I barely have the assets and time to actually start a moving process.." You frowned slightly. "Moving to another country, as much as I want it, would be ridiculously hard on my own."

You and Tom both went quiet for a moment, both of you really thinking about this. Neither of you had the time to help you get to him, but neither of you wanted to be apart for months. Who knows what else may come up during Tom's play? He could end up being gone until Christmas or something. You wanted to see him.

"I'm sure I'll think of something.." Tom finally spoke, smiling a little. "I promise. I'll find a way to you.."

"Don't start throwing money around to get to me.." You chuckled a bit, making him laugh as well. "As much as I miss you, I can wait for as long as you need me to."

"I'm not sure I can.." Tom admitted, letting out a slight sigh. "I'd love to catch

up with you on everything, but it's nearly 3 in the morning and I need to get some sleep.." Ah, you had forgotten about the Timezone differences. He's all the way up in London now, after all.

"I promised to call you before the play. I promise.."

"Okay.." You smiled warmly. "I-I love you, Tom.."

"And I love you, (Y/N). Truly.." He spoke in a warm tone. It made your chest feel all warm.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight.."

He hung up first after that.

You set your phone down, feeling your heartbeat once more as a few more tears slipped down your cheeks. You forgave him and admitted that you loved him, but would you really be okay having to wait months and months to see him again? You just wanted to be in his arms again and feel his lips on yours. You were scared of how long you'd potentially have to wait.

Despite that, you were able to get some nice rest. You dreamed of the day you'd get to lay in his arms.

And it would come sooner than you thought.

Another month went by, and you had gotten yourself on to a talk show to talk about your rising fame and upcoming movie. You had never been on one before, so you made sure to doll yourself up a little bit and wear a nice dress. It would be weird going up there on your own, but you had heard and seen from other interviews that the talk show host man was really nice. After fixing yourself up in the mirror, you saw the show start. The talk show host introduced you to the audience before calling you on stage. You smiled brightly as you climbed the stairs and went on stage, seeing all of the people from the audience begin to cheer. All of those people made a permanent bright smile appear on your face. You waved at everyone with a soft chuckle before sitting down on the soft sofa, shaking the show hosts hand as everyone quieted down.

"So nice to have someone new for a change!" The host spoke with a chuckle.

"It feels amazing to be here.." You admitted with a bright smile, crossing your legs.

"So, you've got your first movie coming out, eh? Got yourself quite the co-star, I hear.." They began, leaning forward a bit on their desk. "How was that?"

You chuckled again. People had learned that you and Tom were back together, so you've never stopped hearing about him.

"Yeah. We actually had to live together by that little outdoor set.." You admitted. "I messed up with renting one of the houses, so he let me stay with him."

"And that's how you fell in love, yeah?" The host grinned, being interrupted by the audience clapping for a moment before they'd quiet down. That was so surreal to see.

"I always hear about flings happening between costars on set.." You admitted. "But...my time with him was much more than that. He's treated me better than most, that's for sure."

"You haven't seen him since the beginning of the year, yes?" The host asked. "Has that been hard for you?"

You smiled sadly, placing a hand on your chest some. "It's not impossible, but it's been hard. I'm not upset about it, though. We've both become incredibly busy rather quickly. He's got his play, which I hear is amazing, and I've been streaming practically 7 times a week now that I've had the time again."

"Well, it's good to know you're staying optimistic." The host replied.

"Yeah.." you nodded a bit. "It's been...a little harder these last couple days, though. We call each other multiple days a week."

"Do you have a song you like to listen to?" The host asked, smirking some. "One that reminds you of him?"

You took a moment to really think about that. The question brought you back to the time you and Tom went to the grocery store and Time After Time came on the radio in the car, and when he kissed you in front of everyone in that clothing shop, the same song played. You had downloaded the song on to your phone after that day. You didn't realize how important it was to you until now. Tom even had it on his phone, last time you checked.

"Cyndi Lauper's 'Time After Time', maybe?.." You admitted with a shy chuckle. "It's played a couple times during my days with Tom. I downloaded it after people found out we were together because it was playing in that clothing store when he kissed me."

"Awe, that's sounds perfect.." The host smiled brightly, one of his hands moving under the desk. "You think Tom would give the same answer?" They asked.

"I mean, he's into the older styles of music.." You chuckled, a little confused. "I could call him and ask him later.."

You were too focused on the show host to hear footsteps come upstairs on to the stage, though the surprise was ruined by the sudden erupting screams and applause from the audience.

You turned around just in time for the host to start playing that song over the little speaks around set as you and the man locked eyes.

It was Tom.

You couldn't believe it.

Your eyes immedietly watered as you got up from your seat and ran to Tom, seeing him open out his arms to you. You ran right into his arms, wrapping your arms around his body. You almost didn't believe that this was real. It felt like a dream. How was he here? How did he make time for this?

You pulled back and cupped his face with both hands, already nearly sobbing just from the sight of him.

"Are you actually here!?" You asked with a happy whimper. It warmed your heart to see his big smile. He was emotional, too.

"I managed to find some extra time to get a flight down.." Tom chuckled, though he wasn't able to explain himself fully just yet. Hearing his voice so close to you made you want to just break into happy tears right then and there, so you pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. You heard the audience go nuts, making you smile in the kiss. Tom pulled you closer to him, keeping the kiss locked until he remembered you were supposed to be doing an interview. He pulled back and gestured to the seats, holding your hand as you both sat down.

You could barely keep your eyes off of Tom for the whole rest of the interview. Afterwards, you'd say goodbye to everyone and leave the building together. You spoke outside once you reached his car.

"I've got another surprise for you.." Tom admitted, giving you a warm smile as he let go of your hand. He moved into his car for a moment and pulled out something before going back to you. He revealed 2 one-way tickets. Tickets to the UK.

"Would you still like to move in with me, my love?.." He asked you, looking into your eyes with his big, blue orbs.

Your eyes widened some and your heart skipped a beat. You placed your hand over your mouth before giving a shaky chuckle. "A-Are you serious?..." You asked, seeing him nod.

"With one phone call to a familiar moving company and a day or two, you can be living with me.." Tom spoke. "All I need is a Y--"

"Yes! Hell yes!" You chuckled happily before wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him into another close hug. Tom flinched before chuckling, hugging you back for a moment before pulling back to give you another deep kiss, inhaling some to take in how soft your lips were. The joy you felt in your heart couldn't be properly described.

You pulled back from the kiss to wipe all the tears that had run down your cheeks, including some of the makeup makeup had on. "I'm gonna end up crying all day.." you joked with a chuckle.

Tom chuckled as well, smirking some. "I could give you other reasons to have tears in your eyes.."

Oh god, you had a feeling he hadn't gotten over this flirtatious phase he's had with you.

Then again...

You chuckled some. "It's been a couple months hasn't it?" You asked, biting yhe corner of your lower lip.

"Mhmm.." Tom purred somewhat "and I've learned some things.."

"Have you, now?.." You tilted your head some, getting a nod from Tom.

"Indeed I have.." Tom grinned. "And there's a certain...doctor who has been dying to meet you."

You knew who he was talking about. You recently rewatched High-Rise.

"Ooh, I guess I shouldn't keep him waiting, then.." You purred back with a little wink, moving around him to get into the passenger side.

Tom snickered some, getting into the drivers side.

You bet there would be quite a bit of steamy love after packing.