#(but you have to admit. this is kind of funny) <- guy addicted to doing things for the bit

[unclewaynemunson]

I still haven’t stopped thinking about Rose Harrington so my hand slipped and now there’s a sequel (this is the last part i promise) | AO3 link

Eddie's lips were intoxicatingly warm and strong against Steve's, and his curls felt like that one woolen jumper he used to wear all the time when he was younger. It was the second time Steve was properly kissing him, and he already felt like home.

For their first date, Eddie had taken him to Indianapolis, to this queer bookstore that hosted monthly open mics on Sunday afternoons. There were some poets that Steve couldn't quite follow, a mildly funny standup act, a lot of acoustic pop songs – and Eddie himself. Eddie, who had brought his electric guitar and went all out with some kind of loud screamy metal song, after which he gave Steve a particularly soft smile that kind of implied it had actually been a love song – Steve had to admit he had been too busy staring at Eddie open-mouthed to really listen to the lyrics properly.

It had been a perfect first date. And now they were in Eddie's van in front of Steve's house and Steve was leaning over the gearshift to make out with him - and it was a slightly uncomfortable position but Steve really couldn’t care less about that.

He hesitated for a moment after they broke apart. He was already getting addicted to the warmth of Eddie's body, the softness of his lips, the sensation of his touches. But a part of him was still afraid that Eddie would be scared off at some point, despite his assurances that he was totally okay with having Rose in his life. The implication of inviting Eddie into his home was just... different, with Rose involved. It wouldn't be merely something between the two of them, not even merely something sexy. Maybe Eddie would finally realize what he actually said yes to, maybe he'd finally understand the scope of what it meant to let his life collide with Steve's – and frankly, who could blame him if he were to decide that that wasn't for him after all?

'Stevie?' Eddie's voice sounded soft. 'You still with me?'

Steve swallowed. He had to ask what he wanted to ask. He had to trust Eddie's words. He had to let him in, even if it was the scariest thing he had ever done.

'Do you wanna come inside with me?'

Eddie smiled; his smile was mischievous and sweet all at once. He squeezed Steve's hand.

'Hell yeah,' he whispered in the space between their faces.

Steve opened his mouth to say something about that, but Eddie was quicker.

'Can't wait to see Rose again.'

There was no way he could fight the impulse to launch himself at Eddie again with a new kind of intensity. He still couldn’t wrap his head around how this guy was even real; how goddamn lucky he was to be holding him and to make the taste of his lips something familiar.

They got home to complete chaos: Rose was sitting on Robin's back, who was on all-fours on the living room floor and whinnying like a horse in a mildly concerning way, surrounded by a true explosion of toys.

When Steve gave Eddie a nervous sideways glance, he noticed how the guy didn't even blink, like the whole scene was something perfectly normal and not at all unsettling to him.

'Eddie!' Rose shouted when she noticed the guys; she let herself slide off Robin's back and flew past Steve without sparing him as much as a glance. Eddie opened his arms just in time to catch her, taking a few steps backwards to exaggerate the force with which she crashed into him.

'Rose!' he shouted back in the same excited manner. 'I missed you, m'lady, how have you been?! Have you been practicing those piano skills of yours?'

'Noooo,' said Rose, stretching the “o” into several syllables. It had been her favorite word, lately. 'But I built a castle, look!'

Eddie let her take his wrist and guide him to the corner of the room - he couldn’t manage much more than a quick greeting to Robin as Rose impatiently tugged him along.

'Holy shit, Steve.' Robin, now back on her feet and standing right next to Steve, squeezed into his shoulder as she leaned closer towards him to mumble into his ear. 'Look at him bonding with Rose; he's literally the perfect guy for you!'

'I know, right?' he whispered back at her, practically glowing with the overwhelming realization of just how lucky he was.

'So I take it your date went well?'

He grinned at Robin. 'It did. Really well.' He glanced back at the corner of the room, where Eddie was crouched down on his knees, giving his undivided attention to Rose, who was showing him every nook and cranny of her Duplo castle.

'You built that with her?'

Robin smiled brightly. 'Yeah, cool, right? We had a lot of fun together.'

'Thanks for watching her, Rob. Why don't you head home now? I think me and Eddie will manage to get her into bed.'

After Robin had left (not without a very emphatic wink in Steve’s direction), Steve dropped down on the couch, perfectly content to watch as Rose kept rambling on at Eddie about her castle and the princes and princesses living in there.

'How many knights are there?' Eddie asked, his expressive brown eyes opened wide in a serious look. 'Do they have swords? Is it dangerous in the woods?'

He didn't speak to Rose in a higher or slower voice, like Steve would see so many people around him do. It was like he completely took her seriously; like it came naturally for him to treat her as an equal. And his questions prompted Rose to wholly lose herself in her fantasy world, until the two of them were attacking each other with and dragon and princess figurines (or rather barbies and old dinosaurs that used to be Steve's – Steve was still working on expanding Rose's toy collection – but with the imagination those two have, it worked either way).

'Alright, let's get you to bed,' Steve finally said when he spotted Rose stifling a yawn.

'Noooo!' she exclaimed immediately.

'Yes!' Steve retorted emphatically.

'Nooooo!'

'How about...' Eddie leaned closer towards her, dropping his voice conspiratorially. 'If you go to bed, this dragon will agree to a truce and let the princess live because of your noble sacrifice?'

'What's a sacrifice?'

'It's when you do something you don't really want to do, to help someone else. You save the princess's life, because you listen to your brother and go to bed. How does that sound?'

'Does the dragon come to bed with me?'

Steve saw how Eddie had to fight back a laugh – it was clear that he wasn't really used to little kids' logic yet, but he didn’t falter.

Then, he shrugged. 'Sure.'

Rose grinned and took the dinosaur-dragon from Eddie's hands, then ran towards the stairs.

'Steve, come on, we need to wash the dragon!'

Eddie looked at him with a raised eyebrow disappearing under his bangs. 'Wash the dragon?' he repeated slowly.

Steve grinned at his confused expression. 'No going to bed without taking a bath first. Needed a whole month to properly get that into her head. Kids are gross, you know.'

He got up from the couch and gestured Eddie to follow him into the hall, where Rose was letting her dragon fly through the air until Steve opened the safety fence at the base of stairs so she could climb up.

Eddie kept a respectful distance as Steve routinely helped Rose to get out of her clothes and into the bath, but as soon as she was in the water, he seemed unable to reign himself in anymore and buried both her and the plastic dinosaur in an excessive amount of foaming shampoo. Steve didn't mind; he was happy to have Eddie along for every step of their little nighttime ritual.

'Look at that, you managed to tame the beast, brave knight!' Eddie exclaimed when she was all tucked in bed with the dinosaur in her arms. 'It's a miracle, no one has ever done that before! I'm sure the queen will reward you with endless riches when you wake up tomorrow.'

Steve disappeared from the room for a few seconds to return with his acoustic guitar in his hands. He gave it to Eddie with a smile on his face.

'Will you do the honors?' he asked him in a low voice.

'Only if you sing it with me,' Eddie replied.

To Steve, the song sounded perfect, from the effortlessly played guitar melody to the way their voices mingled to Rose's yawn as the last tone dissolved in the air around them. Their song, Steve's and Rose's. It felt only natural to let it become Steve's and Rose's and Eddie's, like something that was bound to happen ever since Steve had taken Rose into that practice room with him – or even ever since Eddie had crashed into him in the hallway of the community center.

'Goodnight, Rosie,' Steve said as he leaned forward to give Rose a kiss on her forehead.

'Sweet dreams, my valiant knight,' Eddie added, brushing a hand through her damp hair and taking a dramatic bow before closing the bedroom door behind him.

'Was that okay for you?' Steve asked in a whisper as soon as they were alone in the dark hallway.

'Stevie, seriously, you don't need to worry 'bout that,' Eddie answered immediately. 'I meant what I said.’ He held Steve’s gaze for a moment, and the look in his big brown eyes was enough to wipe away any of Steve’s doubts. ‘I'm all in, you're not gonna get rid of me that easily. I actually loved playing with her. I'm sure her imagination is gonna work wonders for my D&D campaigns.'

'Okay.' Steve took a step forward to catch Eddie between the wall of the hallway and himself, then leaned in to give him a slow kiss. 'Good,' he breathed out when he pulled back.

Eddie's eyes were wide and he swallowed thickly; Steve could only smile as he cupped Eddie's cheek with his hand.

'You wanna stay the night?'

'Jesus, Steve, you're killing me here.' Eddie pressed his body back against Steve's, coming as close to him as he possibly could. ''Course I wanna stay.'

'I do have to warn you that Rose will be up and running at six in the morning. She always is.'

Eddie burst out in a soft chuckle as he dropped his head against Steve's shoulder.

'Oh, fuck. Can I still back out?'

Steve tugged Eddie's chin up with his index finger, prompting him to look into his eyes again. 'Nope. You already said you were all in – no takebacks.'

Eddie chuckled again. 'Alright, why don't you show me the way to your bedroom then, big boy?'

And there was something about that pet name that immediately set Steve's insides on fire.

Eddie winked at him, as if he knew exactly what he was doing to Steve. 'I promise I can be real quiet.'

I know it’s been a while since I posted this series, and I wasn’t even planning on writing a sequel, but I’m just gonna include the old taglist here for those who’d be interested. I don’t wanna spam anyone but this is the actual last part (for real this time) so I hope that’s okay!

Taglist: @kardinalkalamity @imzadidragonfly @simpforsauron @undreamingscatworld @nailbatbabygirl @solosnail @theysherobinbuckley  @sharpbutsoft @manda-panda-monium @piningapple @whimsicalwitchm  @withacapitalp @kerlypride @bejeweledbaby @imhereforthelolzdontyellatme @cheeseaddict-12 @henderdads @hammity-hammer @nelotegreitic   @silentiumdelirium @mad-h-w @evix-syne666  @legitcookie @csinnamon-fox @deleataecount @sadcanadianwinter  @shadowofaliar @and-say @connected-dots @thosemessyvibes @panicatthediaz @basilthefourth @swimmingbirdrunningrock @inikokoru @adaed5 @ali-just-ali @spectrum-spectre @paperbackribs @steddiewritingnerd @homosexual-having-tea @infinitetrashbag @zerokrox-blog @cr0w-culture @thing-a-ling @skybridgerton @by1er-endgame  @martzja @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx  @fandomcartographer @maya-custodios-dionach

[willowbird]

"Matthew Boyd, I swear, if you utter one more pun--"

"You'll punt me off the roof?" Matt asked, grinning far too wide even as he lifted his strawberry shake and took a long drink through the straw. They were at the cafeteria closest to Fox Tower, grabbing lunch before they would head to the library to get some homework done before practice this afternoon.

"Yes! Wait." Dan blinked then groaned. "UGH! You are awful. Terrible. Not funny and not at all cute."

"Aww, babe you think I'm adorable."

Dan snorted. "I most certainly do not." Actually, she most certainly did - but she wasn't going to admit that now, not while Matt was being ridiculous with his puns. Someone thought it would be a GREAT idea to leave a daily pun calendar on his desk and he'd been fucking insufferable all week. Dan was tempted to blame Aaron first - because as Matt's roommate he had the best access - but something told her that Aaron wouldn't set himself up for that kind of torment.

Matt gave a forlorn sigh. "It's alright, you may shun me now but I've made it through addiction - I can make it through this."

Dan rolled her eyes. "Your struggles with addiction cannot be compared to my lack of appreciation for stupid puns."

"Maybe you're right," Matt said with a sigh, but he was smiling too much for Dan to feel anything other than suspicion. "My viagra addiction really was the hardest time in my life."

"..."

Dan stared. Matt grinned, laughing as he hurriedly dodged the chicken nugget she hurled at him across the table.

Unfortunately, the nugget continued flying and smacked right into the back of a very blond head the next table over in the cafeteria. Dan's eyes widened as Andrew turned around and locked eyes with her.

"Oh shit!" she hissed, ducking down.

Matt turned around and then quickly whipped back to face her when he saw who was behind them. "Dan!" he squeaked in alarm. "You're gonna get us killed!"

"Bold of you to assume I would interrupt my lunch for murder, Boyd," Andrew said, suddenly right by their table. Next to him, Neil was munching on a chicken nugget.

Matt jumped so suddenly that his knees hit the bottom of the table and he hurriedly had to steady his drink before it toppled over. "Fuck!! How do you guys do that?!"

"Do what?" asked Neil, sipping a shake that he definitely hadn't been holding five seconds ago. Neil made a face then passed it to Andrew, who accepted it and slurped loudly without looking away from Matt.

Frowning, Matt looked from the two diminutive menaces to the shake down to the table in front of him - where his own strawberry milkshake was missing. "Hey!" He whipped his head back up and reached out to take the shake back but Andrew was just out of reach.

One fine pale eyebrow rose in skeptical appraisal, Andrew apparently utterly unimpressed as he took another long suck through the straw.

Dan watched all this with wide eyes, but when Matt turned pleading puppy-dog eyes to her she snapped her mouth shut and smothered a grin with the back of her hand. Clearing her throat, she looked from Matt over to Neil and Andrew, ignoring how Neil had yet another chicken nugget that she knew he must've stolen from her even though she hadn't caught the actual theft. Instead, she focused on his slightly shorter counterpart. "Sorry about the nugget-assault, Andrew. Matt was just driving me up the wall with his puns."

"Puns?" Neil asked, now holding a little boat of fries - though Dan had no idea where those would have come from, as neither her nor Matt had grabbed any before they sat down.

"Yeah, someone left a daily pun calendar in Matt and Aaron's room, and Matt has been torturing me all day." She wrinkled her nose. "I thought it was Aaron at first, but..."

Andrew snorted. "Aaron hates puns."

Neil nodded his agreement. "He thinks they're "auditory poison"," he added, the hand not holding his boat of fries lifting to form air quotes.

Matt scoffed. "What?! No! Puns are great!" He paused, appearing to think for a moment. "Well, except for math puns." He made a face and reached across the table to snag one of Dan's chicken nuggets - but there was no way Dan was letting him take a single morsel of deliciousness while he was still standing firm on his pro-pun stance.

She slapped his hand out of the way and ignored the pout he turned on her at the denial. Instead, she looked back at Andrew and Neil. Andrew was still sipping on Matt's shake, and Neil... had a plate of stir-fry he was deftly picking at with a pair of chopsticks.

Dan just stared at them for a moment before she shook her head and just rolled with it, one sorta had to do that with Neil and Andrew sometimes. "Anyway," she said, then cleared her throat before saying, "that's why the chicken nuggets became projectiles." There was a four-heartbeat awkward silence, in which Andrew slurped up the last of the shake and deposited the empty cup on Matt's tray.

Then, without offering anything at all by way of an acknowledgement or farewell, Andrew turned and started walking toward the cafeteria exit.

Dan blinked, watching him go. When she looked at Neil, the stir-fry was gone and his hands were tucked into his own back pockets as he rocked back on his heels, watching Andrew walk away with a disgustingly fond look on his face. Before Dan could even think to comment, Neil caught her eye and flashed a small smirk. "Don't worry, he forgives you." Then he, too, started to walk away.

Except, when he got about five paces away he called over his shoulder, "And not all math puns are bad. Sum of them are pretty good."

It took a moment for that to sink in, then she sank down into her chair with a groan, burying her face in her hands as she tuned out Matt's triumphant "HA!".

This fucking team would be the death of her.

[chicgeekgirl89]

I Get it From You

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: Carlos Reyes, T.K. Strand, Andrea Reyes, Gabriel Reyes, Lexi Mitchell, OC Cousin Adriana

Rating: K

For @tarlosweeklyprompts Prompt #2: 5+1 of habits that Carlos picked up from TK and 1 that TK got from Carlos. 

A/N: I may have played a little fast and loose with it, but 🤷‍♀️.

Read on AO3

Charm

“I noticed you started wearing this recently,” Andrea says, reaching out to finger the tiny cross hanging around his neck. “It’s pretty.”

“Thanks,” Carlos says a little numbly, eyes trained on T.K.’s nearly frozen, lifeless form. 

“You’ve never been much of a jewelry person,” Andrea says, her unasked question hanging in the air between them. 

“T.K. wears a medallion around his neck,” he tells her.

“I’ve seen it,” Andrea says. “With his number from New York on it.”

Carlos nods. “He says it reminds him that he’s part of something bigger. That he’s got people to watch his back. That being on that crew probably saved his life, because even when he was…” Carlos hesitates, remembering that his mom doesn’t fully know how deep T.K.’s struggles with addiction have gone. “Even when he was struggling, he knew he had a responsibility to be there and help people. He never takes it off.”

“A good reminder of the support he has, then and now,” she says softly.

Carlos reaches up and brushes his fingers over the cross. “After the fire…everything was just so hard. I felt lost, I was kind of spiraling and one day we were out trying to replace stuff and I saw this and I felt like it kind of called to me. It reminds me where I come from. That I have roots, and a purpose.” He looks up and gives her a wan smile. “That’s probably a less religious answer than you were hoping for.”

She shakes her head, leaning forward to cup his cheek. “It’s a perfect answer.”

Pizza

“Oh my god. What the actual fuck are you doing to that pizza?”

Carlos freezes, pizza halfway to his mouth. “Eating it?” he says in confusion.

Adriana looks at him like he’s crazy. “Eating it? You’re murdering it!”

He looks down to see that he’s mindlessly folded the slice in half. “Mind your own business.”

“Um, you turning a delicious slice of Texas’ finest into that hot mess is my business.”

“How about I eat the pizza I bought and paid for and planned to eat by myself tonight however I want and you shut up?”

“Where did you even learn to do that?” she persists. “I’ve never seen you do that before.”

“It’s how T.K. eats his. It’s a New York thing. I must have picked it up from him.”

“Well can you send it back where it belongs? You look ridiculous.”

He starts to pull the pizza box away from her but she grabs on. “No! Okay! I’m sorry! You can commit pizza homicide all you want!”

He rolls his eyes and lets the box go. “It was so nice and quiet before you showed up here unannounced.”

“You’re welcome, by the way, for saving you from that sad loneliness. Where’s T.K.?”” Adriana asks around a mouthful of cheese and peppers. 

“He has a shift.”

She nods in understanding. “Down at Hunk-O-Mania. Gotta get his last dances in before you two get hitched. Nobody wants a lap dance from a guy with a ring on his finger.”

“It is unbelievable that you think that joke is still funny after like three years,” Carlos tells her with a glare.

“God he and Magic Mike both hanging up their tear away pants in the same year,” she says with fake wistfulness. “The stripping world is losing two of its greats.”

“Don’t ever show up here uninvited again.”

Schmutz

“God I love this place,” Lexi says as she bites into a donut. “I will admit I thought gourmet donuts were a stupid idea, but I have seen the light.”

Carlos breaks off a piece of his matcha donut and nods in agreement. “Have you had their mocha one? That’s T.K.’s favorite. They had that lavender one too, a couple weeks ago and it blew my mind.”

“I would usually say flowers and donuts do not go together, but after this?” she holds up the orange cream donut that’s half gone already. “I’m willing to try it.”

They end up cramming their remaining donuts down as fast as they can when a call comes in and they have to go break up some fighting parents at a high school basketball game. It’s nasty and several people have to get seen by EMT’s for bloody noses and black eyes, but no one ends up pressing charges, so they head back to the station to do paperwork before their shift ends.

“You’ve got some donut schmutz on your collar,” Carlos tells her when they get inside and the harsh florescent lighting of the station illuminates them both.

She raises an eyebrow. “Some what?”

“Schmutz,” Carlos says. “It’s like…dirt. Mess.” 

“Somebody’s been hanging out with their fiancé too much,” she tells him with a laugh as she reaches for a tissue to wipe off her uniform. “Are you headed home to cook up a brisket tonight too? Going to hail a cab to get you there?”

“Shut up,” Carlos says, feeling his face redden. 

“Are you going to stop smiling at people in the store too? And start cutting people off in traffic?”

“Oh my god stop.”

“T.K.’s east coast ways have rubbed right off on you. I would have thought the Texas blood ran deeper than that. Oh god,” she puts on a fake horrified look, “do you think Chipotle is real Tex-Mex now?”

He shoots her a glare. “Don’t you have paperwork to do?”

“I’m teasing Reyes,” she tells him. “I think it’s nice actually. Being with the right person should change you a little. And you and T.K. have changed each other in all the right ways.”

She sends him a smile and starts on the pile on her desk, leaving Carlos to contemplate the warm glow her words have put into his chest.

Team

“Carlitos, thank you for coming on such short notice,” Andrea says when Carlos steps through the front door of his parents’ house.

“No problem,” Carlos says. “Sorry to hear Frankie is sick.”

One of their ranch hands had called out unexpectedly and Carlos was a quick and easy replacement. It wasn’t exactly what he’d had in mind for his day off, but family duty wasn’t something he ignored if he could help it. “Where’s Dad?”

“He’s out back,” Andrea tells him. “I texted him and told him to come up to the house. He’ll be here any minute.”

Carlos shrugs out of his jacket and hangs it on a peg by the door before turning around to give his mom a hug. Andrea’s face immediately drops and she sighs. “Oh Carlitos.”

“What?” he asks, confused by her bizarre response.

She shakes her head. “You’re wearing a Mets shirt.”

“Yeah, I think T.K. brought it back from New York the last time he went out to see Jonah,” Carlos says, glancing down at the offending blue t-shirt.

“Carlos, you know how your father feels.”

“It’s a shirt Mom. It’s what I had on when you called.”

“You couldn’t have taken a few minutes to change?”

“You made it sound kind of urgent,” Carlos says in annoyance.

The back door opens and Gabriel walks in, a smile on his face. As soon as he catches sight of Carlos he sours immediately. “What are you wearing?”

“A t-shirt that my fiancé gave me,” Carlos says.

Gabriel’s voice goes low, dark like thunder. “In this house we root for the Astros. And only the Astros.”

“It’s a shirt dad. It’s not a big deal,” Carlos says. “T.K. likes when I rep his team.”

“Don’t tell me he’s got you cheering for them too?” Gabriel says, looking outraged. “Oh my god, where did we go wrong?”

“They have some really good pitchers dad. You respect a good team, they’re a good team.”

Gabriel scoffs. “I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.”

“I can’t either,” Carlos tells him.

“Enough Gabriel,” Andrea calls from where she’s returned to the kitchen. “He came to help. Leave him alone.”

“What you do in your own home is your business,” Gabriel says tightly, ignoring her. “But I will not allow those colors to be worn in my house.”

Carlos claps him on the shoulder. “Good thing we’re going to be outside then.”

Friends

“Hey babe!” T.K. calls as he walks through their door.

The TV immediately turns off and Carlos whirls around to look at him over the back of the couch, eyes wide and innocent. “Hey,” he says back.

T.K. pauses, eying him closely. Carlos is trying for nonchalant, but T.K. can smell guilt in the air. He sets down his bag and puts his hands on his hips. “What were you just watching Carlos?”

“A documentary,” Carlos says quickly.

“A documentary.”

“Yep.” Carlos pops the “p” in an effort to seem casual.

T.K. dives over the back of the couch and snatches the remote out of his fiancé’s hand, flicking the TV back on. “A documentary about six friends living in New York in the mid-nineties?!” he yells.

“Okay, hear me out,” Carlos says, holding up his hands placatingly.

“You watched without me!”

“I didn’t mean to!” Carlos cries. “I was watching a documentary and then it rolled into the episode when it ended and—“

“You could have turned it off!” T.K. tells him sternly.

“I was going to!” Carlos says. “But T.K., Chandler and Monica?! What the hell?!”

“You said you didn’t even like it,” T.K. points the remote at his chest. “You said it was ‘fine.’ And then you went and betrayed my trust.”

“Well…I got a little invested,” Carlos says sheepishly.

“I’m glad my good taste in television is finally rubbing off on you,” T.K. grumbles. “But next time you decide to watch a pivotal episode of one of America’s greatest sit-coms, you’d better wait for me.”

Dinner

Carlos is so tired he’s not sure he’s going to make it down the hallway. Every part of his body aches to be in bed though, so he trudges onward, one foot in front of the other until he finally fumbles his way through the door. 

He can’t remember the last time a shift was this bad. They hadn’t had a single second to slow down, one call after another, nearly all of them resulting in a physical altercation or take down, and the final call of the day had been a shootout at a bank with multiple casualties. He’s bruised and sore and completely wiped out.

His bag hits the floor and he’s tempted to drop down next to it, but the next thing he knows arms are wrapping around him and T.K. is pulling him tightly into his chest. “Hey,” he breathes into Carlos’ hair. “I was so worried.”

The 126 hadn’t been called into the bank situation, but T.K. must have found out about it from someone because he’d sent multiple concerned texts. Carlos had answered as soon as he could, but there was a big difference between being reassured in a text and being reassured in person.

“I’m okay,” Carlos mumbles into T.K.’s shoulder.

T.K. pulls back and gives him a critical look, fingers brushing over a bruise on Carlos’ forehead and then a minor gash on his arm. “I’m glad you’re home,” he says, a silent acknowledgement that Carlos isn’t actually okay, but he will be now that he’s here.

“Me too,” Carlos sighs. His eyes feel like sandpaper and he desperately wants a shower, but he’s not sure he’ll stay awake long enough.

“Are you hungry?” T.K. asks. “I made dinner.”

“I think I’ll just—“ Carlos stops his response abruptly as he looks at the kitchen. “T.K. what—?”

Every flat surface is covered in pots and pans, cooking utensils, or food. The sink is piled high with dirty dishes and something is still bubbling on the stove.

“I um, I might have been a little anxious waiting for you to get home,” T.K. says sheepishly.

“So you cooked enough for an army?” Carlos asks.

“I’m going to clean it up,” T.K. says quickly. “I know the dirty dishes stress you out, and I planned to have it all done but then the fish took longer than I thought it would and the sauce wouldn’t thicken so…”

Carlos’ brain is still trying to catch up with what he’s seeing. “You don’t usually cook when you’re stressed.”

T.K. shrugs. “I couldn’t sit still so I asked myself, ‘what would Carlos do’? And then I did it. It’s surprisingly effective.” His face softens and he runs a gentle hand over Carlos’ curls. “I can’t fix your day, but I can at least make sure you’re fed. That’s the Reyes Family Motto, right?”

Carlos’ face relaxes into tender smile. “Yeah. Something like that.”

[sat0sugu-angst]

My Faves When They're Touch Starved

A bit touch starved myself, so here ya go

cw: fluff, a lil spice, shigure, lmk if I missed any

Included: (jjk) yuuji, megumi, gojo, yuta, maki, nobara, toji, (mha) bakugo (fruits basket) kyo, shigure

All characters aged up +22 Minors DNI

Yuuji is always touch starved wdym ! any time he sees you be prepared to be wrapped up in his arms. He's the type to make any excuse to have his hands on you, even if you're in public. not even because he's possessive, he's just that precious. He also likes the way you blush when you're not expecting it🥰

Megumi doesn't immediately realize what's going on w him. He unconsciously does things so he can be near you, but he's so shy especially in public that he settles for a light brush of the backs of your hands when you walk together, or the reassuring pressure of your arm and legs pressed together when you sit right next to him. Ofc you realize what's happening because megumi isn't normally into pda, so you tease him with chaste kisses on his cheeks, and you occasionally link pinkies when you walk. His criticisms are worth the blush that's coloring his cheeks, especially because he tries so hard to hide it.

Gojo is not the kind of guy to ask for affection, he makes it so you're the one begging for cuddles. That's it. If he wants extra attention he's gonna tease you in public, because he knows how it lights a fire in your belly. He loves to see you beg for him when you're alone, because he wants you to show him you want him as much as he does you.

Yuta is also always touch starved. There's no way touch isn't his love language and I won't accept any criticism. However, he's not forward like Yuuji, he's extremly shy when it comes to his wants. He gets unexpectedly whiny when he wants attention, because he just wants to get you home so you both can cuddle on the couch. Very specifically wants you both to be dressed in a comfy sweatshirt/pants combo because he loves how soft everything feels. Doesn't say anything, just pushes his face into your neck.

Maki refuses to admit when she wants your attention, so she does this funny thing where she refuses to touch you (is she a masochist? 🤷🏻‍♀️) but what ends up happening is you're the one who ends up begging for cuddles. Instead of cuddles though, she asks you to spar. When she's landed you flat on your back for the third time, she grins at you in a way that's kind of mean but just so maki that you can't help but giggle. She rolls her eyes, but finally presses a kiss to your lips. Little do you know its to hide her blush, because she loves your laugh so much.

Nobara just holds out her arms expectantly for a hug. If you don't understand what she wants right away, she'll pout, because she always gets what she wants. When you hug her, it's not enough, she wants to take you with her everywhere, your fingers tightly wound together, or arm around your waist, while yuuji trails behind you both, carrying her bags because, as she said, she's too busy holding you.

Toji doesn't say out loud that he's craving your touch, he just comes up to you and lifts you in his arms. He's not much for the sensual stuff, so if he wants you, it's straight to the bedroom with this man. Not that you're complaining.

Bakugo is like, weirdly pissed off about it?? Like you're the one to blame?? he just hates how you're hands are just. so. addicting. He loves when you just lay there and run your fingers through his hair, or trace over the contours of his face, arms, anywhere. It's especially bad when he can't sleep, and looks over at you, already in a sour mood because he can't believe he needs your touch to sleep. He doesn't ask for it, but he presses his body into yours, arms wrapped tight around you, face in your neck, grumbling until you sleepily lift your hand to his head. Once he feels your nails on his scalp, his grip loosens. he's surprisingly obedient when you have him like this, so if you want anything, now's the time to ask.

Kyo just states at you, stern expression on his face (anyone else think of when baby kyo stared a hole in the back of shishou's head because he wanted to play? 😭) when you ask why he's staring, he gets embarrassed because he had no idea what he was doing. Blushes and tries to brush it off, but when you move to snuggle in his side, he sighs happily, knocking his forehead against your crown.

Shigure. If he wants your attention he'll sleep with your bestie, and then make it seem like it was your fault for not reading his mind. Jkjk (kinda) but he's very open with his affection for you, not in words but in action. He moves your hair to expose your neck when you're chopping veggies for dinner, or come up behind you and press himself against you, so you never forget he's there. He likes to dominate your space, and he loves it when you get flustered about it.

Thanks for reading! If you liked it, please like/rb

[boldlyvoid]

36 Questions to Fall in Love

Summary: When Derek bets Spencer that he cant make someone fall in love with him in a week, he doesn’t expect Spencer to marry the girl the next day

warnings: strangers to lovers, blind dates, betting, talks of: drug use, drug addiction, abusive marriages, rape, sexual assault, abuse, attempted murder, mass shootings, parental death, love confessions, elopements, opposite of slow burn

word count: 8K

A/N: this is based on a request I received a while back about this article

Derek was a betting man, to say the least. He knew Spencer was from Vegas, he also knew Emily couldn’t say no to a challenge and that Rossi had enough money to burn. Betting at work was the best way to have fun when he worked there, and now he can’t stop.

“I’m not saying con a woman into loving you, I’m saying let us find a girl and let’s see if she can fall in love with you, take a week off from work and just spend time wooing her, and in a week, me or Emily will hit on her, if she turns us down for you, then you’ve won.”

Derek explained it like it was simple, and yet the mere thought of being set up with someone was horrifyingly nerve-wracking. But he got Spencer to agree… unbeknown to him that he had another bet going on the side.

You see earlier that day he was invited to Penelope’s apartment, her younger sister was moving in for a little while and they needed a big strong man to help move the boxes. And like Penelope, Y/N was really chatty and overly friendly really fast. It was like he’s always known Y/N Garcia.

She explained to Derek how hard it was in California to find good men who want someone to love them, she’s tired of guys thinking she comes on too fast, she wants someone who wants to settle and have kids and be a dad. Not a Vain narcissist who only cares about what the city can offer him.

“The last guy I went on a date with literally ran when I mentioned I read a New York Times article about 36 questions to make you fall in love… I just want a person to love? Is that really so hard?”

A lightbulb goes off in Derek’s mind, and Penelope almost reads it.

“Spencer.” They both reply with the same cheeky grin.

“I bet you, you could be as insane as you say you are and he’d still be in love with you by the end of the week.” Derek teases, and the way she smiles shows just how interested she is.

—

Woo her.

The words have rattled around in his brain every second of every moment since Derek said he found a girl for him.

She was free on Saturday, all Spencer had to do was tell Derek where she should meet him and all Penelope had to do was not mention to Spencer that she had a sister, it was up to Y/N when Spencer learned that fact.

She’s already there at the restaurant when he arrives, he’s not sure what he was expecting when Derek said he found the perfect girl but it wasn’t this. He was thinking it was going to be a joke, that either no one would show or Derek was hooking him up with some hot blonde who was way out of his league.

She was beautiful in a nice dress, her makeup was stunning and she looked so content sitting there, waiting for him. Starring her ice water with a straw, she wasn’t paying any attention to the room, she barely knew he was there.

“Hi?” He said softly, not wanting to startle her.

“Hi,” she beamed up at him, that same unsure look on her face. Neither of them was expecting anything from the other, but they were pleasantly surprised.

“Spencer Reid,” he says, actually extending a hand to shake her’s because it’s the chivalrous thing to do.

She reaches out her hand, watching him take it and kiss her knuckle softly, she’s so surprised. “Oh, um, Y/N Garcia,” she whispers the name and his eyes go wide.

“Garcia?” He panics a little, sitting down in the booth and facing her as her face drops at his reaction.

“Did he not tell you I’m Penelope’s sister? I knew Derek was up to something,” she looked like it was all too good to be true, upset almost.

“He didn’t, he probably wanted you to tell me, I mean this all so we can get to know each other,” Spencer shrugs it off, interested in seeing why Derek picked her of all people.

“I guess,” she smiled again, “so what do you do?”

“I work with Penelope, I specialize more in psycho-linguistics and geographical profiling.”

She nods in approval, “I’m a high school English teacher.”

Spencer laughs lightly, “what’s that like?”

“Interesting to say the least, especially in California. Every kid there wants to be on TikTok, no one cares about reading any of the books I ask them too,” she just shakes her head. “I’m worried about the next generation.”

“Me too, it’s almost alarming how many kids are unsubs,” he agrees. She’s so easy to talk to, he’s suddenly not nervous anymore and the waiter is coming to take their order.

He never even opened the menu, “what looks good?” He asks Y/N, nervous and she can tell.

“I think I’m going to have the lobster, let’s go all out?” She shrugged again, both of them feeling more adventurous than normal.

“I’ll have that as well,” Spencer smiled, keeping eye contact with only her as she handed the menus back to him.

They ordered sides and appetizers, stuffed mushrooms and fresh bread, it was amazing. They traded small facts about each other, Spencer noticed a lot of Penelope’s quirks in her, she was very friendly and kind and funny. She loved to tease him and make him laugh, his stomach hurt by the time their lobsters came out.

“I’ve never done this before,” she admits, putting on her bib and holding the claw cracker in one hand.

“Neither have I, but I think it’s fairly simple you just need to apply the correct amount of pressure,” he demonstrates by picking up the crustacean and cracking it at its weakest point before twisting it open.

He’s surprised he did it, so is she as she copies is movements and struggles a bit. “You got it, come on,” he encourages her as she squeezed so hard her hands shake but the shell does eventually crack.

She smiles like she just won the science fair, overly proud as they stare at each other. Enamoured already by just how cute the other was.

“So, what do you do for fun outside being a fed?” She teases between bites.

“I like to spend my time finding new things, I tend to go to the same spots often but I’m always looking for new places. I like the theatre, the old cemetery is nice, I’m excited for the new phantasmagoria to open this fall,” he explains all his interests as he cracks away at his dinner. “I just like to try and appreciate what’s out there, after everything I see.”

“That’s really nice, I’ve always wanted to go to a phantasmagoria actually, science magic is the best kind of magic,” she says it like it’s nothing, almost embarrassed by the interest.

“Me too, I love magic,” Spencer lights up, “I can actually do some magic, hold on.”

He digs his NA chip out of his pocket, showing it to her quickly before making it disappear and reappear behind her ear and she was so smitten, “how the heck?” She asked as she reached for her own ear, shocked at the fact he could do it.

“Do you always keep a coin on you for that?”

He thinks about it for a second, not knowing if he should tell her or not. “No, I keep this on me for support.”

He places it on the table, she picks it up instead and inspects it carefully, “2 years is a really long time, I’m really proud of you.”

He feels like he falls in love with her in that moment, she places the chip back in his hand and smiles, “it’s not easy to admit nor recover from, it’s something you should be really proud of Spencer.”

“Thank you,” he blushes, “um, is there anything else you want to know about me?”

She bites the inside of her lip as she thinks, “actually I was reading an article the other day that said there are a list of personal questions you can ask someone and by the end of all of them you should be in love with the person.”

He thought it was a good opportunity to take a sip of water, upon hearing the word love he realizes it was a mistake. He chokes lightly, coughing as he puts the glass back down and apologizes.

“Love?” He repeats the word.

“I’m going to be real honest here Spencer, I don’t date to get my heartbroken, I date to find my life partner so if you’re not interested in marriage or kids one day tell me now,” she’s very stern about it and he can tell she’s gotten her hopes up and heart broken before.

“I want that too, I just didn’t expect you to be so upfront about it,” he’s honest, because clearly that’s what she wants from him. “What was on the question list?”

“Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” She asks, remembering the questions easily.

“Wow,” he takes a moment to think about it, “alive or dead?”

“Sure, why not,” she shrugs.

“Probably biological Eve,” he comes to the decision rather quickly. “I’ve always been fascinated with the fact all humans can be traced back to one single women. I’m sure she was amazing, it must have been so interesting being the first women on earth.”

“That is the coolest answer anyone has ever given me,” she smiles, “I think I’d be boring and have dinner with Julia Roberts.”

“She’s a very talented actress,” he smiles, recognizing the name from Penelope’s movie nights. “Um, I have an eidetic memory, do you have the list I can just read it once and then we can spit it back and forth easily.”

She looks at him with wide eyes and a growing smile, “yeah hold on.” She takes out her cellphone and pulls up the article before handing it to him.

He reads it quickly and then hands it right back, she was amazed, surely it was a joke? “Would I like to be famous?” He repeats the next question to himself.

“No,” he’s very certain. “I’ve had some encounters with psychopaths who think they are my biggest fans, perfect match or my only rival, and it’s not fun. I’m sure being adored is lovely, but I don’t like the attention if it’s not from a good place.”

“So you want praise but you don’t want a stalker?” She dumbs it down slightly with a smile, “I definitely don’t want to be famous because I don’t like other peoples opinions about me.”

“That’s incredibly fair.”

“Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?” She asks the next one.

“If it’s for work or my mother, yes,” he answers it completely honestly. “I prefer not to make phone calls, so when I have to make them I typically spend the day before panicking.”

She smiles, “well, if you ever need someone to call tech support and pretend to be you, I am really good on the phone.”

“Like Penelope?”

She nods, “we spent a lot of time talking on the phone when she moved to Virginia for your team.”

“That must have been really hard, I’m surprised she hasn’t mentioned you yet?”

“I’m not really her sister,” she smiles, “I wish I was. I met her during a really abusive relationship and I didn’t feel close to my parents anymore, so my old name didn’t feel right either. Penelope and her brothers were the closest thing I had to family, so I took their name after my divorce.”

“That’s beautiful,” his smile is so soft, she wonders if he feels the same about Penelope.

“What do you consider a perfect day?” She moves on before she can pry into his personal life further, just to pry into his personal life further— in another direction.

“Nobody dies.”

“Even the bad guys?” She squints as she asks it, wondering if that was an appropriate topic for the first date.

“I’m not a fan of the prison system, and I’m really not a very big fan of suicide by cop, let alone lethal injection,” he explained. “Just because you’re a murderer or a psychopath doesn’t mean you have to die too, there is rehabilitation and a way to keep them sane and alive while keeping people safe. I just hate when people die.”

“Me too,” her smile is sad, “my perfect day would be having my parents back, I’d like to show them my degree and go out for ice cream and give them another hug.”

“We should have our perfect days back to back,” his voice is low, he was nervous to say it. “Cause then once you bring them back, I stop people from dying and they can stay forever.”

He sees her heartbreak as the tears well in her eyes, “that would be nice.”

“Um,” he clears his throat and then takes a sip of water. “When was the last time you sang to yourself, or someone else?”

“I was singing in the car on the way here,” she smiles with a sniffle, “I sing a lot actually. I’m always humming or tapping as well, if my mind is wandering then it has to make some kind of noise.”

“What is your favourite thing to hum?” He can’t stop himself from asking it, “I personally do the muppets, duh duh nanana, manamanah.”

She laughs again, and a tear slips out as her eyes close. She hurries to wipe it away, “I often find myself doing the teletubbies song, you know; ‘Tinky-Winky, Dipsy,’” she sings the words before humming the tune to match.

“That’s a good one too,” Spencer is really enthusiastic suddenly, the way he would be with Penelope. He was really comfortable. “If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?”

“Mind, because that’s how you keep a good body. If I can keep the strength and willpower to get up in the mornings and go to work and remember why I love being alive, I’ll be young forever,” she answers like it’s rehearsed.

“I was going to say I’d want my mind too, but the way you said it is a lot more elegant,” he teases. “My mom has Alzheimer's, you were honest about wanting kids and you should know that's genetic. I can also pass on schizophrenia and any other mental illness, like depression, bipolar disorder and most definitely anxiety—

“Spencer,” she reaches across the table for his hand, “breathe, that’s not scary to me. My grandma had it too, I’m not optimal gene-wise either.”

He takes a deep breath, “Sorry.”

“It makes you real to react like that, I don’t mind seeing that side of you. Fake strong men and men who compensate are the worst, in my opinion.”

“Mine too,” he agrees. “I am an anxious worrier, I barely sleep, I’m terrified of the dark, I have PTSD nightmares about my short stay in prison, and I cry a lot when I’m alone.”

“It was a mistake clearly? The prison stay, that is.”

“Yeah,” he nods, moving to the next question. “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?”

She laughs through her nose at the switch topic change, “well until I was 19 I thought my husband was going to kill me, then I thought maybe it would be myself, now I’m content dying in my sleep when I'm old.”

“It is ever-changing,” he agrees. “I have died before.”

“What did it feel like?”

She doesn’t ask how, she knows he was sober, she knows he’s been to prison, she knows he’s an agent. It wasn’t a surprise. Penelope even almost died once before, it was an unfortunate part of the job.

“Warm.”

“Like soothing warm, like drinking a hot chocolate, or that uncomfortable warm like being in a hot car?”

“Like a hug.”

Her lips purse, she hums a bit. “Yeah, my answer stays the same.”

“Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.”

“You like to learn,” she smiles again. “You enjoy the mysteries and the horribleness of the world because it keeps you grounded. You love your mom.”

“We love Penelope, our hearts have similar scars, life has been mean to us for no reason,” he adds 3 more for good measure.

“What are you grateful for in life?” She asks the next question.

“I’ve never said this before,” he prefaces, “but found family. If it wasn’t for my team, no matter who was coming and going over the years, anyone who has had my back. Anyone who loves me in any capacity. That’s what I’m grateful for.”

“We’re not even through the first set of questions and I can see why everyone loves you,” she admits. Moving far too fast, doing exactly what Derek wanted from her.

To scare him and see if he still stays.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Spencer stops the questions, “I can’t continue if I can’t tell you this.”

“Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“Derek and Emily bet me $20 that I couldn’t get someone to fall in love with me, he wanted to set this up and then hit on you in a week and see if you picked me over him, and it feels like a really shitty thing to do to you. It’s making me feel like you’re an object more than a person and I feel really bad about it.”

She just laughs and he has no idea why. “He bet me that I could be as insane as I am with most of my dates and you’d still want to stay with me after a week.”

“You’re not mad?” He worries, by passing her words and the implications of it all.

“No, did you truly mean how you feel?”

“Yes…”

“Then I accept your apology, you’re really kind Spencer. I believe you when you speak, I trust you,” she explains her reasoning and he settles once more. “You’re the most real man I’ve ever met, I think.”

“Thank you,” he smiles again, reaching out for her hand once more, “do you want to finish these questions?”

“Not really,” she smirks, “I think they were wrong about all 35 of them making you fall in love with someone.”

“How so?”

“It only took me 9.”

It’s so absurd they start to laugh, making eye contact, they feel delirious. His hand in hers, she squeezes it lightly and he never wants to let it go.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

“Sure, did you drive?” She asks.

“No, I walked over.”

She gets up from the table and takes his hand once more, “well, are we going to mine or yours?”

“Are you living with Penelope?”

“Yours it is then,” she teases, bumping his shoulder. This was going to be fun.

Spencer pays for their meal and meets her out front, he gets in her passenger seat and gives her the directions. “Do you want to finish the questions on the drive?” He asks.

“Hmm, well, 11 is a long one, if you want to start telling me your life story in graphic detail? Or we can jump to 12 and you can tell me what super ability you’d like to wake up with?”

“Have you ever watched star trek?”

She’s not expecting that, it makes her take a double-take, she laughs lightly, “Yeah, why?”

“Deanna Troi can sense peoples emotions, I think that would really help with my job,” he explains it easily. “And in times like this.”

“I can just tell you,” she offers, pulling into his apartment complex, she can tell why he walked.

“You don’t have to yet, let it simmer,” he smiles softly, he’s not ready for her to make a decision like loving him when she really doesn’t know everything yet. “Come inside?”

She nods, getting out and taking his hand again for the walk inside. His house is green, and it makes sense. There are door wooden bookshelves and the distant smell of old books and spilled coffee, it’s dusty and old and very Spencer.

“Can I tell you some of my story?” She asks as she kicks her shoes off.

“Absolutely,” he follows her lead, “do you want anything, wine, water?”

“Wine would be nice,” she smiles, following him to the kitchen, “you know my favourite place to talk to someone is in the kitchen.”

“Why?”

“It's the heart of the house,” she smiles slightly, “that's what my mom used to say. This is where all the love happens.”

He loves her and he knows it already, she makes him happy and calm and if she’s in the heart of his house she might as well know all of his own heart.

“I was born in Vegas,” Spencer admits, pushing his life story past his lips before she can stop him or else he wouldn’t.

“My mom was a professor, my dad is an attorney, I have always been really smart and not so athletic, I enjoy chess and reading and I had big thick glasses as a child. My mom participated in a murder and my dad covered it up and that ruined their marriage but they blamed it on her schizophrenia when he left. And then I was left to raise her when she was supposed to be raising me. I cared for her until I turned 13, I left her during the weeks and my aunt would make sure she was okay and I would travel back and forth from CalTech and Vegas on the weekends.”

She can see the exhaustion on his face at just remembering it.

“I got my licence at 16, and then I took her car and it was easier. When I was 18 I put her in a sanatarium and sold her house and took a road trip with my friend to Virginia to go to the academy. He didn’t like it after a week and asked me to go with him to New Orleans and I didn’t— I met my mentor and joined the BAU instead. I was kidnapped and drugged by a man with DID… I died and then his personality switched and Tobias brought me back. I had an addiction to Dilaudid for a few months after, then I got sober after visiting Ethan in New Orleans.”

“Was he good to you?”

“Wonderful,” he smiles, “he was my shoulder to cry on for a long time and I didn’t realize how much I needed him in my recovery until we got a case and I had a reason to see him. I missed a plane and ignored my friends to just be with him. He’s the reason I got clean, not anything else… he told me that I was too special to hate myself, and he was right.”

“He was,” she smiles. “He sounds lovely.”

“And then, the first time I saw my mom after putting her in the sanatarium was because she told parts of our case to a man who lost his daughter, and he did a lot of messed up stuff… like he shot my co-worker. She was another special person to me—“

“I’m so sorry.”

He smiles, “she lived, don’t worry. I loved Elle, she was amazing but the bureau didn’t see that. She was a broken toy to them, we all become one eventually. I miss her a lot.”

She walks into his space and wraps her arms around him, giving him a hug as he rests against the counter, she makes no attempt to move back. Holding him in the heart of the house, close to her own. He holds her back just as tight.

“Maeve, she was another person I loved who got shot, she died. I see her sometimes when I sleep, she visits me when I’m in the most need. I’ll always love her, but she’s gone. The only other woman who claims to have loved me was a psychopath who is dead now too, she framed me for murder, had me drugged, kidnapped my mother and the list goes on and it’s not pretty. In prison she had a lot of bad things happen to me, I have scars that will never heal and a part of me was lost but I’m okay now.”

They have a moment of silence in the middle of their stories, she absorbs it while preparing her own, rubbing his back as her cheek stays pressed to his chest.

“I was born in California, my parents were high school sweethearts, they made me at prom. Learned that from the scrapbooks,” she laughs against his chest, “they were great and then they died when I was 14, it was a mass shooting at a mall, and I went to a foster home. I married the oldest son in the home after he groomed me for a few years… I met Penelope when I was 20 and she helped me get divorced and back on my feet and her brothers protected me.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry you relate to loss.”

“It's the one thing that unites us all, really,” Spencer’s voice is barely a whisper. “When you think about it, we’re all born and we all die, the only difference is how we fill the middle.”

They never get to that bottle of wine he mentioned, she pulls back and asks the next question as she drags him to his bedroom. “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?”

“If I get to have kids.”

She drags him into the room and closes the door, “that was going to be my answer.”

“Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?” He asks as she starts to take her clothes off.

“Sleep beside the love of my life.”

“I’ve never woken up beside the love of my life,” he replies with a soft smile and follows suit, getting undressed down to their underwear before climbing in bed.

“Greatest accomplishment?” She asks as they settle in, laying her cheek on his chest once more.

He takes a moment to think of everything he’s done that has been good, and one really stands out. “there was a case a few years back, we found a bunch of kids who went missing and returned them to their families and gave answers to the families of children who didn’t make it. Days like that feel like a reward.”

“Getting divorced,” she pushes the words out quickly.

“Most valued friendship?” He asks, knowing she doesn’t need to explain herself.

“Penelope.”

“Derek.”

“Most treasured memory?”

“When JJ placed her son in my arms and told me I was his godfather,” his voice is hushed and she knows it’s because he doesn’t want to cry. “It's the closest I’ve gotten to being a father so far.”

“I got an end of the year present when I was first starting out, this girl told me that I was the reason she enjoyed reading again and it was the reason I started teaching, I’ll never forget her. Tammy Brownlee, she graduated in 2009 and we’ve been Facebook friends ever since.”

“Most terrible memory?”

“My parents dying.”

“You’d think mine would be dying right?” He asked, she nodded against his chest, “it was actually being held down by 3 men, getting a sock shoved in my mouth while they beat me.”

She kissed his chest softly, “I’m sorry, I know that feeling. Mind you, he was only 1 man, it’s not a good feeling.”

“If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?”

“If it’s definite; not like a chance or a cancer statistic, if it’s like this is the day you die no ifs and's or butts, then I’d just continue as normal and have 1 really awesome day right before,” she smiles against him. “Make the most of it all.”

“If I was dying a year today, I’d ask you to marry me.”

“Already?” She laughs, thinking he’s kidding.

“You want a nice husband and a kid? I will be good for you as long as I know you, and I’ll have as many kids as you want me to help you make.”

She’s silent as she thinks about it. “What does friendship mean to you?”

“Someone who is there for you even when they don’t want to be, even when it’s hard,” Spencer whispers, thinking about his friends.

“It means hacking the government and voiding a marriage and changing someone's name so they can escape,” Y/N whispers. “don’t tell the feds she did that too.”

“What roles do love and affection play in your life?”

“I crave it and hardly receive it, but I give it out like it’s a sample at costco,” she snickers at the example she gave. “It’s something that people have always admired about me and yet it’s also the thing that scares people away. When I love, I love hard and it’s full and annoying and you will feel suffocated sometimes, but just tell me when and I’ll back off.”

“I don’t know how to ask for what I need,” Spencer whispers. “But I need someone to love me like that.”

“The next one is to alternate 5 good things about each other,” she rests her chin on her hand as she looks up at his face in the darkness, “soft.”

He pauses for a moment, bypassing the easiest one and saying pretty, instead, he says; “you’re honest.”

“You’re very caring,” she replies.

“You see beauty in the world still.”

She smiles at that one, “you make the world beautiful.”

“You are beautiful.”

“And you’re handsome, that’s my 4th,” she keeps track in her head.

“You’re true, to your heart, your promises, everything.”

“And you’re real, you see the world for what it is and you don’t try to change it for the better. You want to make it manageable,” her explanation is the longest one yet. “Was your childhood happy, and do you feel close with your family still?”

“I write to my mom every single day and I drop the notes off weekly, and no,” he doesn’t want to cry, but he feels like he might again. “It was liveable, I made it.”

“Mine was happy until I was 14, then I was alone, I have 1 living aunt and she is strange but I get a card from her every Christmas,” Y/N adds. “I’d like to think your lack of love and my need to fill the world with what I miss from my parents will make a really good family dynamic.”

“Me too.”

“How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?” She asks, “I think I know already, but it’s the next one.”

“She hit me a few years ago because I made her take some medicine, she hit me once when I was a kid too…” he whispers them so that they stay a secret, if they can’t be heard else where then they don’t exist in his mind. “She was a wonderful mother but the worst memories stick out the most now. She’s forgetting everything and all I can remember is how hard it’s been on me, like a bad son.”

“My mom was my best friend, and I still talk to her every day, I bring her and my dad around with me in my necklace,” she pulls the chain on her neck and shows him the little jar. “Mom, Dad, this is Spencer. Spencer, this is my mom and dad.”

He holds it in his hand and tips it gently, “nice to meet you.”

“The next one is weird,” she changed the topic again.

“Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling…" Spencer says it verbatim. “We are both feeling understood.”

“We are both hopeful.”

“We are both falling in love,” Spencer ends the feelings with the most prominent one.

“We are,” she agrees with another smile.

“Finish this,” he insists on moving forward, “I wish I had someone I could share…”

“The rest of my life with,” she whispers this time. “If we become besties, what’s something I should know?”

“I think I’ve told you all the important stuff so far,” Spencer thinks hard, pausing for a moment. “My butt is ticklish?”

It makes her giggle, “that is a good one. My sides and the bottom of my feet are ticklish too.”

“Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met,” Spencer reads the question back from memory, “don’t be afraid to be too honest.”

“I like that you know how I feel but I hate that you’ve been hurt. I like how you listen to me, and I really like how comfortable you make me feel. I’m almost naked in your bed right now and I know you’d never, ever hurt me, and I haven’t felt that in a really long time.”

“I like that you are indulging me in the dream of becoming a husband and a dad one day… most people say it’ll happen but they never picture it. No one has ever said yeah id have your kids. I like that you know what you want and you’re actively looking for it.”

She moves up so she can hold his face in her hands, “only 7 more. Is it working?”

He nods, “my most embarrassing moment is the time I had a wet dream on the work jet.”

She laughs and then covers her mouth in panic, “I’m sorry that’s not funny.”

“It is, it’s fine,” he smiles. “I was dreaming about kissing this actress we helped, she actually did kiss me in the pool, so I guess it was bound to happen.”

She leans in and presses her lips against his, holding his cheeks in her hands his wrap around her waist as he holds her there. She peppers smaller kisses to his lips before pulling back, “we both cried in front of each other already today, so next question.”

“Tell me what you like about me already?”

Her hands trail his chest and down towards his boxers, he’s hard again from just kissing and she smirks, “this is promising.”

His hand on her back unclips her bra, “I love boobs, not even going to lie. They are my weakness.”

She pushes the straps down and tosses her bra aside, pressing her naked chest against his, she moves on. “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?”

“Being called insane, saying I'm seeing things, or acting crazy, those are things I don’t like to be told because they make my anxiety worse.”

“Noted,” she smiles. “I talk to myself a lot so get ready for that.”

“Okay,” he smiles, she’s way too easy to be real.

“I don’t want to mention my last husband from here on out, I think if I get married again I will never tell anyone I have a first husband,” she’s firm in her words.

“Technically, Y/N Garcia has never had a husband,” he reminds her.

Her face lights up at the realization, “you’re right.”

“If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?” Spencer asks.

“I regret not screaming at my ex before I disappeared but I wanted to live.”

He hums, understanding how it feels. “There isn’t anyone in specific I’ve wanted to tell this to, but I wanted to kill people when I was in prison. It made me really angry being in there and I let myself dream about killing people who hurt me and then I almost did kill someone.”

“Remember what you said about bad guys?” She whispers a helpful tip, “even the worst people deserve to have a chance at life. And you’re not hardly as bad as the worst people you’ve met.”

“You’re right,” he agrees. “Thank you.”

“This place burns down, what’s one thing you’d run back inside for? Outside of people and animals…” she asks the 3rd last question.

“The book Maeve gave me.”

“The girlfriend who died?” She confirms, and he nods. “If my place with Penelope burned down, I just want my necklace and I don’t take it off that often.”

“The next question is interesting,” Spencer thinks about it, “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing, and why?”

“I’m glad I wasn’t at the mall with my parents, if I saw them get shot it would hurt more,” she whispers. “I’m sorry you had to see Maeve die like that.”

“In a way, I’m glad I saw Maeve get shot, otherwise I wouldn’t have believed it. She never felt real to me and then she was dead…”

She just hums, “Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it,” she whispers the last question.

“Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen,” Spencer adds in the second half.

“I need to find a place to stay now that I’m here, I don’t want to keep living with Penelope. As much as I love her, I want my own place,” Y/N admits.

“I think I’m in love with this girl that I just met and I don’t know if it’s too soon to ask her to look for a house with me?” Spencer pretends to sigh, “she’s super cool and I think we’d make some nice kids. I would love some advice.”

“Has she told you she loves you yet?” She teases.

Spencer shakes his head. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, too, Spencer,” she replies, leaning in one more time to kiss him.

It’s deeper this time, she breathes him in and rests her forehead against his as she breathes between them.

“How did that work?” She whispers, truly amazed at how easy it was.

He shrugs, “it’s a good questionnaire.”

“You were really honest, your heart is really pure and I would like to get to know you more, but I feel like I know everything?” She shakes her head while she talks, overthinking all the things she has learned, “I don’t even know what could be left?”

“My birthday is October 28th?” He whispers, “we have a lot to discover yet.”

—

When she doesn’t come home in the morning, Penelope knows she’s at Reid’s house. She just doesn’t expect to walk in and find them naked in Reid’s bed, out cold and cuddled together with their clothes all over the room.

It looks like something happened. If only she knew the truth.

“Oh my god?” Penelope’s voice wakes them up and Spencer scrambles to make sure they are covered by his blankets.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N shouts as she wakes up.

“I came to see if you were okay. I expected one of you to be on the couch, I didn’t think it went this good?”

“We just slept in the same bed, I promise,” Spencer turned bright red as he panicked, “we just got to know each other and talked all night, in what we normally sleep in.”

“Uh-huh,” Penelope smirks, “so I take it the 36 questions worked?”

“Perhaps,” Y/N smirks back at her sister.

“Do you use it on many people?”

“No one has made it past the first question,” she smiles at him instead, kissing his cheek as Penelope watches.

“That’s my queue to go, um… yeah, wow, I didn’t see this happening so fast,” Penelope is shocked but in the best way.

She leaves just as fast as she arrived and Y/N settles back into Spencer the second she closes the bedroom door. “You know, if she’s not going to believe us we might as well do it? If you accidentally get me pregnant then we can move fast and no one will question it.”

He laughs, “accidentally, is the key word there.”

“My parents made me at prom after crushing on each other for 2 years… I think knowing each other for 2 days isn’t the weirdest way to start a family?”

“Honestly,” Spencer lets out a sigh and her happy mood drops to a more serious one. “I was a little worried that we’d wake up this morning and you’d change your mind.”

“Why?”

“In the heat of the moment, learning everything about each other and saying I love you was really exhilarating, but I have a hard time believing it,” he admits, “not many people mean it, or stay around after they tell me they love me.”

She cuddles back into the crook of his neck and holds him as tightly as possible, wrapping a leg around him for optimal coverage, “I am staying right here, because I love you, Spencer.”

“Okay,” he whispers. Sounding like he still doesn’t believe it.

“I love you because you’re honest, you want what I want and you’re truly kind. You’re friends with my sister, you’re smart, you would make a great dad, you won't hurt me, you are really nice to cuddle with, and I know you mean it when you say you love me because it’s not a word you use lightly.”

“Are you my girlfriend now?” He wonders aloud, “cause if you really want to have a kid, I have my mom's old wedding ring in my closet, and I would rather be married to you before we do that?”

“Okay,” she whispers, tears welling in her eyes as she hides her face in his neck, “the courthouse is literally just down the road?”

“We can get breakfast together after?” Spencer adds, rubbing her back as they plan, he wasn’t scared anymore.

“Penelope will kill me if she’s not there, can we have her as our witness?” Y/N finally sits up to look at him, pulling away to sit on the bed, still shirtless.

His smile while he tries to keep eye contact with her is so funny, she giggles a little as she hides her nipples behind her palms and cups her boobs.

“I’m pretty sure she’s still in my living room,” Spencer giggles, “Penelope!?”

She comes back in then, “yes?”

“We’re going to the courthouse to get married, wanna come?” Y/N asks with an embarrassed smile.

“Yes!” She cheers, “I’ll go get you a dress!”

And then she’s off again, this time actually leaving Spencer’s apartment. “What if we don’t tell Derek, and let him hit on me next week anyway?

“Then you can say ‘sorry I have a husband,’ and he’ll body slam me to the floor,” Spencer laughs nervously, “the whole team is going to be so pissed they missed my wedding…”

She frowns, “send out a mass text, tell them to meet us at the court house, it’s their day off right?”

“You’re right,” he smiles.

This was going to be interesting.

—

Walking out of the courthouse, hand in hand, she’s in a white dress, he’s in a suit he’d probably wear to work, Penelope is crying and the whole team is waiting outside for them.

At the bottom of the courthouse steps, they all clap and cheer, throwing rice at them like an old movie, Spencer’s smiling so hard his cheeks are burning. Y/N introduces herself to everyone, hugged over and over by everyone she should have met 15 years ago.

Derek is tapping his foot, waiting for Spencer to come and hug him, “what the fuck?” He asks as Spencer steps into his space, wrapping his arms around him and shaking his back and forth.

“Nice try, I’ll give you $20 as a thank you,” Spencer teases as he pulls away. “She is perfect.”

JJ and Will are busy talking to Y/N when he turns around, Mike and Henry not far behind them. Spencer walks over and wraps Henry up in his arms, the kid was growing way too fast, Spencer loved him so much it hurt sometimes.

“Y/N, this is my godson,” Spencer introduces them, “Henry, this is Y/N.”

She gives him a big hug too, “do you have any cousins, Henry?”

“No, but I was 8 when Michael was born,” he smiles, “and I’m getting old enough to be a good babysitter?”

Spencer laughed, messing up Henry’s hair quickly with a smile, “I’m sure by the time you’re a cousin you’ll be great.”

They take a group photo outside, Spencer and Y/N in the middle, everyone was smiling. It was the first time all of them had been in a photo together, the entirety of Spencer’s found family. Now they were Y/N’s too.

She hyphenated her last name, Y/N Garcia-Reid, and their kids would share the same one. He was not only about became a father thanks to Y/N, but Penelope would also become an Aunt once more. It was like a gift that kept on giving, seeing Spencer and Y/N create a little family of their own.

—

She cried her eyes out when she met Diana. She wasn’t expecting to be so emotional, but then Diana was lucid and very welcoming and sweet.

“It’s going to be a pleasure having you as my daughter,” Diana smiles, thinking it was just a nice thing to say.

Y/N cries and holds her so tight Diana almost can’t breathe but she lets her hold her as long as she needs to, “thank you.”

“You’re welcome?”

“I haven’t had someone to call mom since I was 14,” Y/N whispers, “if that’s okay?”

Diana hugs her just a little too tight in response, “you can call me mom whenever you want.”

“Just until you become a grandma,” she whispers again as she pulls back and Diana’s attention snaps to Spencer.

“Are you trying?”

He nods, “we want kids, we’re not getting any younger.”

Diana wraps him up in a hug and he almost falls off his chair at the sheer force of it, she was so happy for him. She knew this was all he’s ever wanted; because he would be good at it, he had all this love in his heart, and he wanted to show his father how easy it is to stay.

“You’re going to be a great dad, Spencer,” she holds his cheeks as she pulls away, “I’m proud of you.”

He cried. It’s all he’s wanted from her, and now he has everything right here in this room.

—

When they find out they’re pregnant after the first try, it’s really funny to them. It was all working so well, it was a little too much for them at first. They were looking for a house, she was looking for a permanent teaching job but Spencer convinced her to wait until after the baby is born to go back.

They name her Morgan Garcia-Reid as a thank you for Derek’s little bet, and before she’s even 6 months old they’re pregnant again. By the time they have 4 kids under 5 they take a break and just enjoy their little family.

To think Derek gave them 7 days to fall in love… and then they lived happily ever after.

taglist: @g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @ssavanessa22 @spookyspence @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria@reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor @blanchardsbk

[tommyspeakycap]

I seen a Tik Tok of a girl and a guy with the guy leaving and saying I love you and the girl not saying it back - thought the guy had a similar accent to John stones. could I maybe request something like that please and thank you.

went searching for it to write this fic and I thought the same - he does sound a bit like John!!! also thank you for that - video made me howl!!

Say it Back

John had been a pretty private guy for most of your relationship. It was a well known fact that you two had been together for years, but any insight into your relationship was small, brief and rare. it was usually camera caught moments by paparazzi after games or tidbits in magazines when you were spotted outside together.

The only actual look people got into the two of you that weren’t shady hidden behind bush photographs that made you, John and anyone who stumbled across those articles majorly uncomfortable was through your instagram. You shared few and far between pictures of him. If he preferred to share only the football aspect of his life with the world, then that was for only John to decide. You were more than aware that most people only followed you because of him, but to be totally honest you couldn't have cared less.

You weren't a hugely private person when it came to many aspects of your life. It paid for you not to be. You met John at 22 in a very fast paced episode of you life where you were wrapping up a final year of uni and bouncing around just enjoying your life, sharing intimate stories at parties that broke the ice and made everybody cry with laughter. John actually admired that about you. The ability to turn absolutely everything no matter how potential personal, uncomfortable or awkward into a hysterically funny story.

He didn't at all feel forced out of his comfort zone with you, his opening up just came so natural as he observed how much people genuinely appreciated how open you were about things. John truly aspired to be a lot more like you.

Maybe that's why he was open to the cheeky tidbits that you had begun to share with the world through the opening of your tiktok account.

Lockdown had quite literally gotten you both knocked flat. You'd watching everything that was of interest and there was still no word that either of you would be able to return to 'working' anytime soon. You browsed through videos on your private account, the sound of your screeching laugh always a tell tale sign that John knew would precede his phone pinging only seconds later with that same video sent to him even if he was on the other end of the couch.

It had become so addictive and John wanted to hate it, but you had roped him in quicker than he cared to admit. It also gave you something to do when there was quite literally nothing else. New things to bake, new types of coffee to try, stupid things off amazon that give you a couple hours of amusement.

You filmed a couple of videos that had blown you up pretty much as soon as people realised it was your account, which was fair. Your instagram photo dumps were cute, but the insight that people got into your life through tiktok was something that reporters could only dream of managing to capture behind bushes in the street. It gave you and John a weird kind of boost, having full power of your own exposure.

He relaxed into it so cutely. Shyly suggesting he would actually like to be involved in the baking competition video you'd talked to him about earlier that week. Even if it wasn't his face, just his hands and the cakes that he made to challenge yours because even your face wasn't in it, it was just about your beautiful cakes and his terrible attempt at a Kermit the frog design. Everybody knew it was him, but people were hysterical in those comments and there was so little negativity that you both had fallen in love with the concept of sharing your life together on here.

Just insights into the love you shared, sweet little things like a day in your lockdown life, you filming him working out in the garden with the 'what a man' sound over the top or trying to learn the renegade together after teaching him how to make whipped coffee.

People just adored everything about you two, with such an obvious love for each other that could just be felt and seen so clearly. It was in him going for the weekly shop and bringing you home flowers every time or picking up something new he seen because it looks like the kind of thing you might like to try. In the way that he looks at you in those videos, even if he says few words and spends only seconds in the frame, his face always lights up with a smile when you walk into a room even if you are doing something sneaky behind the phone.

His laugh is genuinely so infectious, everybody just loves it and loves him and John actually feels - probably for the first time in along time - that like people actually like him. And you were in love with the fact the world was getting to see and know him as the John that you love with every inch of your being.

By far, the best tik tok idea you had stumbled across one was what you had spotted a few times on your trending pages and just had to try.

"Right, I'd better head off then before it gets busy eh?" John says he mulls around in the sitting room after putting his shoes on and moving around slowly to gather his keys, wallet and a hoodie from various locations in the house. You hum in acknowledgement, eyes not leaving the TV playing reruns of friends as you lie on the couch wrapped in a burrito blanket.

You flick your phone onto tiktok to film him discreetly. "Got the list? and a mask?" You call out to him as you open the app, hearing him pat down his pockets to ensure he has both stuffed into his trousers left hand pocket. He nods and walks over to you, now filming him in a way he won't notice at all.

You actually feel a bit guilty for what you're about to do when he leans down and presses a sweet, loving kiss on your temple and suggests you have nap while he's away because he knows you didn't sleep well last night.

"Bye babe, love you!" He yells from the door, your phone pointed over the back of the couch at the entrance of the living room where you can about see him loitering in the foyer of the house, hand on the front door as he waits to hear you shout back to him like you do every single time he leaves the house - even if just going out to get something from the car. "Bye!"

"Bye!" he repeats, "I love you." He echos, this time louder than the first time as he pauses again, leaning back slightly to listen closer as to make sure he wasn't just not hearing you. "Bye babe." You retort, covering your snort of laughter with a loud clear of your throat. John furrows his eyebrows tightly and closes the door over completely. "Oi! I said bye, I love you."

"I said bye, John!" You call back out to him casually, giving the appearance that you were playing around on your phone while you actually watch him plant his hands on his waist, keys jingling together at the motion as his shopping bag remains tucked under his armpit. John's face is utterly priceless, the picture of adorable confusion as he walks straight into the living room with gusto and pace. “What’re you doing?” You giggle slightly, trying to stifle the noise as he appears into your full vision in the doorway of the large living room where you sit up.

“I said; bye I love you.” He states emphatically, gesturing with his hands to you for you to speak with his eyebrows raised expectantly. “Bye baby.” You beam, waving him off and turning back to your phone.

“You’re in love with me,” he states confidently, something like a look of clear expectation on his face, “so why aren’t you saying it back?”

That’s when you burst out laughing, giggles hiccuping out of you as he stands there, hands out at his side waiting for you to say something else. “You’re insane, away you go,” you snort though giggles, an involuntary smile ticking on his lips only for a moment before his face straightens out again. “Only if you say it back.” He protests, crossing his arms back over his chest firmly,

You’ve just lost it now, folding yourself over as you wheeze in laughter. You don’t know exactly what you expected from him, but his protest and insistence wasn’t exactly it. “Lo…love you.” You wheeze, words broken by your breathless laughter as your phone wobbles around in your hands.

“Nah, not good enough mate.” He shakes his head, chucking his folded tesco shopping bag for life down onto the other couch as he walks around towards you. “Say it like you mean it.” He insists, a teasing glint in those blue eyes you know so well.

John walks right over to you now, the situation dawning on him the second you tilt your phone to capture his movements. “You’ve made me look a right clingy bastard!” He chuckles, that signature John laugh as he throws his head back and your whole world brightens just at the sound of it, your heart flooded with happiness all because of him. You stand up from the couch to meet him where he now stands right in front of you. You turn the camera to front facing and show you stood with your head resting on his chest as he wraps his arms around you. You tilt the camera up at him, capturing him pressing that sweet kiss down on top of your head. Then you tilt your head up, subsequently shattering the hearts of every person who would come to watch this video on their tik tok because that kiss that you peck onto his lips from your tip toes is still somehow so full of love from just a small gesture and his eyes are absolutely shining in adoration for you as you mumble a sweet, smiling “Love you baby.” against his chest.

He laughs slightly, a smile overtaking his lips as he flicks his eyes to the little red bar just about to run out of time along the bottom of the recording tik tok.

“Just as well, thought I’d have to remind you before I left.”

And the ever cheeky Barnsley boy sends a very telling wink to the camera as you blush furiously right in the time that video ends, just to let everyone know exactly what he means.

[centrally-unplanned]

Speaking of Anime Discourse ,Trixie/The Golden Witch, formerly Digibro, retired from Youtube last week. For most people this is just an obit for a long-gone career - Trixie’s videos haven’t been reaching audiences for years now. Extremely happy she is moving on; in the ‘goodbye’ video its harsh to watch how much discussion of money is the focus of the long downward spiral. Which is not a criticism, paying bills is good, but its obvious that 95% of the actual drive for making anime videos vanished, replaced with whack-a-mole attempts to chase the ghost of lost glories from ~2017. Real “Romanov-adjacent in 1920′s Paris, bedecked in whatever furs and jewels fit in the suitcase lugged onto the last steamer out of Petrograd, smoking away the years at the Ritz bar awaiting the inevitable Restoration” vibes, even down the mismatched furs. It was never going to work, primarily because it never works for almost anyone and the lack of passion is openly transparent. Absolutely quit, there is nothing for you here, I hope you go be happy.

Though it is funny to hear a decade+ YouTuber discuss subscriber counts like they are meaningful metric, like she needed to ‘recapture’ an audience that is still there due to a 300k subscriber count. Those account aren’t real, if your videos are getting 3k views its because the ‘active’ accounts ditched, all that is left are dead emails & spambots juicing a number. Another ghost from the past, hard to admit that the one thing you do have means nothing. I am not trying to roast here, I just don’t want to pretend that this whole process wasn’t a negative thing. Her trajectory in life was tragic, and it was painful to watch.

At least she admitted she got ridiculously addicted to weed for a time there, heartening for the obvious to finally be acknowledged.

Still for how sad the last chapter was, as Digibro Trixie was one of the most influential anime YouTubers to ever do it. Youtube has era’s, and starting in like ~2014 there was a big upswing in higher-effort ‘analytical’ videos, and Digi was absolutely a leader of the pack the anime space. She brought the caustic, humor-laden but actually-substantiative analytical style of Red Letter Media to the anime sphere and blended it with gonzo-inflected, despair-laden personal rants. The peak of her legacy is of course turning the tide on Sword Art Online, which was an immensely popular anime in 2012 but Digi’s viral 2014 review started a floodgate of counter-appraisals in the western fandom such that a few years later liking SAO was the hipster stance. Pedantic Romantic even documented the ‘digi effect’ on SAO & the fandom in a video, which is exactly the kind of investigative journalism we need more of.

At the time Digi spawned waves of imitators and also was the center of a crew of other creators, people like Endless Jess & Best Guy Ever, she was a member of the PCP crew, and there were others less directly connected but still strongly influenced like Steak Bentley, who’s video on Cowboy Bebop & the West is still one of my absolute favourites. Digi was really good about highlighting other interesting anime YouTubers and giving you an idea of what could be out there, being responsible for half of their viewership, and through that building a sense of community.

Of course I chose those specific names tactically - they are mostly gone now. Some off the internet entirely, others occasionally appearing once a year with a tweet or a video, others pivoting to video games or Twitch streaming, etc. Just like that era of YouTube is now gone, Anime YouTube still exists of course, but it isn’t just the names that have changed; the content, the style, the market, expectations, all moved on. Even Trixie’s later content showed that, making fun of the depression-inflected rage she used to exhibit at properties like High Guardian Spice, because while rage-merchants are a thing on Youtube, oh for sure they are a thing, its now its own thing, not part of the analytical-emotional melting pot in the same way anymore (and pretty inextricably tied to politics). And we are in the golden era of western creators doing serious dives into production histories, industry reporting, etc, but that's too serious, there is also no place for Digi there either.

Or I am wrong, and I just don’t know the new generation doing it out there. Would love to see them. From my vantage point, Anime YouTube’s “Gonzo” era is over, and Digi was the center of it. Maybe itll come back. But its certainly over for Trixie, and I am glad she is finally letting the ghosts fizzle out in the wires of the internet in peace.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

I'm sorry but i'm addicted to our boy Spamton- I have a little unique request here. So this takes place where Spamton just moves in the Queen's mansion, he meets the reader and immediately falls for their kind words and gestures. Weeks pass, and he goes to see them, but catches them talking and hanging out with Swatch.. He gets really jealous to the point of changing his style to match Swatch's

"Oh [y/n]! Have You Met Our Newest Guest?"

"Uh, I don't believe-"

"He's An Interesting Addison Who Made A Big Name For Himself! Ohohoho!" Queen laughed joyously, pausing to sip her glass of battery acid. "I Wonder How He Got So Rich...No Matter. As My Peon, I Order You Greet Him......Whenever It's Convenient For You."

"Sure thing. I'll go now." With a respectful nod, you set off to the mansion's guest chambers to meet this newcomer. You've lived here for a long time--and somewhat reluctantly since Queen decided to make you one of her peons one day. But life was actually pretty good.

It wasn't like you had anything better to do, so if she needed someone to help her with plans that..didn't seem all-that urgent, you'll offer your assistance. She let you stay in the mansion for free and never made you do anything if you weren't feeling up to it.

For a tyrannical ruler she was rather kind.

Yet you didn't wanna take advantage of her hospitality, so you'd just listen to whatever she says. And if she wants you to meet this celebrity as part of her endless lists of requests, then you'll happily oblige. But you were eager too since you've seen his face on TV a lot. It felt like an honor.

After wandering the corridors of deactivated puzzles, Mona Lisa-esque portraits, and meticulously-placed pottery, you finally arrived at the guest rooms. You hummed a small tune as you passed by each one, stopping when you noticed one door was open.

Peeking inside, you saw the Addison still setting up things. A phone was tucked between his shoulder and ear as he moved a box whilst rambling to whoever was on the other end of the line.

"Yea! I promise I won't let you down, okay? Soon I'll be bigger than ever before! I know I'm already a big shot but....haha, yeah, I shouldn't get carried away. Okay. Right..we'll discuss more of this tomorrow. Thanks!"

After hanging up the phone and returning it to the receiver, he finally noticed you and smiled. "Hey, hey! Haven't seen your face around here yet. But surely you know mine, right?"

"Yeah." You smiled, not wanting to shy away from talking with him. "Spamton, right?"

"Everybody's favorite number-one rated salesman!!" He laughed. "It's good you know me..'cuz soon ALL of Cyber World will know my name! It's a pleasure to meet you...?"

"[Y/n]. I'm one of Queen's peons." You shook his hand politely. The energy that radiated from him was so bright. Just as much as his pearly smile was.

Stepping inside, you glanced around at the luxurious furniture. He definitely got the higher-class rooms, with the addition of a large window that showed the neon green meridians that stretched across the night sky. It was certainly a beautiful view to fall asleep to. "Need help unpacking?"

"Oh--sure!!" At first Spamton seemed surprised by your offer, but he nodded. "If you want, be my guest. And while we unpack, I gotta ask you..how's it being Queen's peon?"

............

Weeks passed, and you've gotten to know Spamton more and more. You realized he was actually a sweet down-to-earth guy all around. Although he was on the phone a lot, he'd make time to hang out with you, so you two became fast friends.

He was truly living the best life. Posters of his car advertisements were littered all over the city, and the Swatchlings attended to his every need. Though one thing was hard to admit, even when it seemed like he had it all:

You were his only friend now that everyone else is intimidated by his status--as they would shy away from conversing with him--and the Addisons, well, abandoned him out of jealousy.

Obviously that made him worry about driving you away, especially when he's on the phone nonstop. But...the fact you've been so kind to him in every word and gesture, treating him like a regular person and not some untouchable celebrity, was quite endearing. Most admired him for his products, not his personality.

Your kindness made him fall for you hard and fast, ever since day one. He wasn't sure if this was a good idea; to let it get in the way of his business.

But what the hell? He was a big shot! He can afford to go a bit bigger and take more risks. Living in this mansion with someone who loved him would be the perfect dream.

There was a much bigger dream that his valued caller insisted he focused on, but that can come later.

So this morning, Spamton set out to find you to address these feelings once and for all. Yet he was rather nervous. Addisons were most confident in selling products, not so much...everything else. But he didn't wanna back down. He kept smiling no matter what.

As he checked inside the color café that he usually frequented, he saw you eating at the table. He noticed you weren't alone but with Swatch, talking and...

Laughing with them?

And just like that, his smile faded much like his hope.

Of course, the head butler had their ways to swoon people. He tried not to think of it as anything more than just their personality. It's just their way to entice returning customers.

That's all...right?

Spamton ducked behind one of the displays, listening in on your conversation to determine if he should proceed or not.

"By the way, we've known each other for a while and..I've always wanted to ask you something.."

"Yes? What is your inquiry?"

He held his breath. This is exactly what he feared. Knowing that you've been here longer, it's obvious you'd be closer to that damn bird-

"Your outfit."

Then he exhaled shakily, relieved. 'What are you getting so worked up for, idiot?' He thought in the back of his mind, but he continued eavesdropping.

"Did the Queen make it or give it to you? It's very stylish and really makes you stand out from the other Swatchlings."

"Ah, in fact I decided this look for myself." Swatch chuckled softly, raising a wing to adjust their glasses. "The tailor did marvelous work with my vision: black suit, tinted glasses. Very fashionable, is it not?"

"It is. I like it a lot."

"Why thank you. I see why our Lady Grace admires you. Just for that compliment, I'll give you a discount on any of our products in the gift shop."

"Should be every day if you ask me." You joked, earning another chuckle from them.

Seeing all of this and the way you two spoke like close friends was a jab in Spamton's heart-shaped object. 'So [y/n] likes people who stand out? Well I can stand out, too..' He thought bitterly as he stormed out of the shop without either of you knowing he was there.

Why should he settle with being a blank-slate Addison like the rest of them? He didn't consider himself one anymore.

Today, he told his valued caller, he was gonna be a whole new person.

It would help him get closer to both of his dreams, but there was only one on his mind now.

............

Later that night as you were getting ready for bed, you heard a knock at the door. You huffed in annoyance, assuming Queen needed you for something.

She had a knack for disturbing you at ungodly hours. But knowing better than to ignore her, you went to answer the door anyways-

To some strange black-haired guy in a black suit and white turtleneck sweater.

"Hi, um...can I help you?"

"[Y/n]? It's me."

"....wait....Spamton?"

"Yeah!" The salesman laughed, throwing his arms out and making a pose. "Whatdya think of me now?"

Perplexed, you looked him up and down. He ditched the lime-green pants, instead wearing white trousers. And his hair was slicked back. But what was most peculiar about him were his glasses, tinted with pink and yellow lenses.

Had you not known any better, you would've thought Swatch suddenly shrunk and became robotized.

"Cool but..you kinda look like Swatch a little bit. Was that on purpose?" You mused.

"...haha....yeah uh..funny story. Um.." He dropped the act, losing his trademark grin as he wondered how to explain himself and this sudden transformation. You could tell he wanted to talk inside the room, so you let him in and shut the door.

"I don't recall Queen mentioning any costume contest-"

"It's not a costume." He muttered, uncomfortably rubbing his hands together as he looked at you with sadness. "This is who I am now. The new me."

"..huh? You serious?" When he nodded, you frowned slightly. "I'm confused. You don't look like an Addison anymore-"

"That's the point...! I...I don't wanna be associated with them anymore. I decided to stand out, y'know? If you're gonna be a big shot, ya gotta stand out from the crowd!" He forced a laugh that sounded rather glitchy.

You didn't buy it. It wasn't like him to do this out of the blue.

"Spamton, why imitate Swatch of all people? And why out of the blue like this? I mean..I don't mind if you like their style. But I didn't even recognize you until you spoke."

Try as he might, he couldn't make any better excuses. So seeing that he was cornered made him finally admit his jealousy, overhearing your conversation with Swatch while he was browsing--when he really wasn't, but he didn't wanna come off as creepy.

His voice glitched further due to stress, accidentally blurting out some kind of...flirtatious term as he explained how much you meant to him since day one.

You weren't sure if he meant to say "hot single" on purpose. Though you were flattered that such a famous guy like him...actually had a crush on you, an ordinary Darkner who just fetched the Queen's stick wherever she threw it.

You found it hard to believe he thought of you that way..so you kept your own feelings buried. So to see that it's mutual was a relief, and it made you smile.

Spamton, on the other hand, was stressing the hell out. So much so he didn't even see your smile. He just saw himself being stupid the more he rambled on.

It was such a stupid, stupid reason to get insecure--to the point of changing his entire appearance without warning. All because you were friends with a butler who was doing their job???

How selfish can he get when he already had everything he wanted and more?

When he did acknowledge your small smile, he thought you were holding yourself back from laughing. But you had every right to laugh and call him a joke for thinking this will get your attention.

As he finished talking, he could see your smile fade and huffed. He waited for you to tell him how stupid he looks and to go back to being the plain old Addison you met.

Instead of ridiculing him you...hugged him?

At this point you were sitting on the bed together. Of course yours wasn't as massive as his was, but it was big enough for you two to share.

"Spammy, I'm flattered you like me in that way but...you didn't have to do all of this to get my attention. I promise there's nothing going on between Swatch and I. We're just friends. They're not replacing you or anything."

"I know, it's just.." Taking off the glasses, he set them aside before hugging you tightly, head buried in your chest. "I don't wanna lose the only person in this damn place who makes me feel like myself. Who loves me for me, not my success. And...I-I felt like I had to change something about myself to make sure of that."

"Well..you don't need to change anymore. I love you no matter what you look like."

He blinked, his face turning as red as his cheeks.

You could sense his embarrassment from the way he tensed up in your arms and chuckled, patting his hair softly. "Just..don't feel pressured to change for me..or anybody for that matter, okay? Or at least let me know if you're gonna change things up again."

"You don't think..I look stupid or creepy like this?"

"No. Honestly you look pretty handsome. Black hair suits you well."

Hearing those words made him breathe a small sigh of relief. He nodded and hugged you tighter.

His new looks were staying for good.

[charliedawn]

Imagine another patient having a breakdown and attacks our nurse. Would slashers be protective or grab a popcorn ? 

I decided to put them in the order of who would be the less excessive in their reactions to DEATH BY ANNIHILATION.

Freddy :

"Not my fight. You're strong enough to defend yourself. Law of the Jungle and sh*t.."

Freddy would enjoy the show and not interfere. He would encourage you though and—eventually—help you if he sees that you're really struggling ? But, overall ? He's a pretty passive kind of guy when it concerns fights that do not threaten him directly. Yup. You'll have to handle that one on your own.

Pennywise :

Pennywise would laugh at the scene at first, but would react as soon as he sees you in real difficulty.

" Hey ! Back off !"

He would either push the patient off you or just knock them out with something. Or, just enjoy the show with Freddy ? It depends on how much of a good fighter you are ? And, his mood ?

Michael :

Michael would just stare warningly at the man/woman at first. However, he would get physical if he sees that it isn't working. Michael would throw him/her off you and tie them down if he considers them too unstable.

Penny :

Penny would come defend you almost immediately. He's very protective and would tackle the other patient to the ground or just show him his very sharp teeth in warning.

" You stay away from them, alright ?"

He's very protective and would bite the arm off of whoever would lay a finger on you.

Brahms :

What are you doing ? Brahms would panic at first, looking left and right for someone to take care of it. But, once he sees that he's the only one who can help you ? He wouldn't hesitate before throwing the patient off you and punch him to knock him out. But, Brahms' biggest problem ? His lack of self-control. He could very well send the patient to the hospital or the grave by accident ? He's the last one you should call in order to solve the problem. And, frankly ? He knows it too. This is why, he'll always make sure to have another person around. Just in case.

Arthur :

They want to attack you ? Now, that's funny. Arthur knows that he isn't very strong, but he always has a gun in case of emergencies. He also is the master in the art of revenge. He may not interfere right away, but believe me when I say that the patient that attacked you will know what real suffering means in the days following...

Jason :

Jason would stare at the scene before standing up and get the patient off you, only to twist his neck. He may be a true sweetheart with you, but don't be fooled. Someone hurts you ? And the whole hospital will feel his wrath.

Five :

Five would wait to see how the situation unfolds ? But, don't forget that he was admitted because of his anger issues. If he sees that the patient is becoming particularly violent ? He wouldn't hesitate before getting out an axe or grab any sharp object before cutting or severely injure the patient's arm or leg. He may be hurt in the process ? But, he doesn't mind. He's addicted to pain and violence.

The Beast :

You wanted him/her alive ? Oops..Sorry. Dead. Very dead. Torn down to pieces. You won't even see the remains once he's finished.

[indianariesolive]

Fanon vs Canon characters

(Contains spoilers, duh)

Percy Jackson:

fanon Percy: OH this is a pen guys!!! Lolz wtf am I doing again? 🤪Annabeth who? The love of my life is blue food. Omg I like, don't even know where my head is unless my smart gf points it out to me. 😅Haha

canon Percy: is actually smart, though self-deprecating and funny. Is immensely loyal & protective but has the presence of mind to quickly think his way out of a problem. Even Annabeth admits he is pretty intelligent; she simply likes to tease him like he's an idiot.(which he clearly isn't)

Wylan Van Eck:

fanon Wylan: Omg Jesper *blush* *stutters* 🥺*blushes again* oh gosh Kaz, nooo ahhhh I'm just a baby OR Yo get out of the way bitch, this is Kaz Brekker 2.0 & I'm gonna push you into the canal. 😠

canon Wylan: is very smart but insecure. Yet stands up for himself and his friends. Quite kind & modest yet develops confidence along the way. Super smart; His father is a dumb asshole for not recognizing the genius in him. Definitely a badass survivor but dosen't let his shitty circumstances knock the goodness out of him.

Nikolai Lantsov:

fanon Nikolai: Haha I'm so funny & handsome lolz 😝😏 lemme flirt *wink* ah darling I'm just here for the laughs. #partyanimal Narcissus 2.0

canon Nikolai: Funny, smart, charming & brave. Disguises his dangerously smart mind, fears & insecurities behind a well-constructed mask of easy-going charm & wit. Is also deeply patriotic & optimistic despite battling demons from all sides. Is a king through & through, even without a crown.

Jesper Fahey:

fanon Jesper: Shoot! *finger guns* *wink*😜😘 ohhhh Milo *ignores Wylan* my dearest, love of my life, aww. I'm not throwing out the goat. 🐐Haha I'm the dumb comic relief. I'm just here to be loud & funny & annoy Kaz hehe.*twirls guns*

canon Jesper: Friendly, brave, talented but also impulsive & reckless with gambling addiction. Suffers trauma, identity crisis & masks it with humor. Lowkey protective of his friends & hates to disappoint his loved ones. Likes to live in the moment. Looking for purpose in life.

Alina Starkov:

fanon Alina: ugh, so dumb, & whiny all the time. I have no personality guyzzz, besides going back & forth between Mal & Darkling. Meh, there's nothing else.

canon Alina: Snarky, sassy, insecure, also very brave & patriotic, bit of a hero complex, carries the burden of the Chosen One even though she dosen't want to solely to save her country. Is deeply in love with her best friend & is scared of losing him. Very powerful but dosen't let the greed for it overcome her & refuses to let go of her humane & compassionate side. Can be quite funny when she wants to.

Nico di Angelo:

fanon Nico: McDonald's for life. *angst* *gay* *angst* *angst* wow I'm depressed. Casually jokes of death all the time or just yells & swears.

canon Nico: Moody, depressed, used to a joyful kid but scarred by death of his sister. Also kinda angsty & powerful. Eventually overcomes his fears & learns to move on. Comes out as gay & learns to accept his identity, falls in love. Is also brave & loyal. Has a hidden soft side only a few know about. Is the Ghost King; radiates deadly authority. Speaks in a low & quite voice but still carries his point across.

Matthias Helvar:

fanon Matthias: I'm just a boring straight guy who's also misogynistic & homophobic.(insert Ch 40 joke) *Karen 2.0*  *dumb af* Being an uptight edgy prude is the only highlight of my personality. (Insert Ch 40 joke) *rolls eyes* *simps* (yet another stupid Ch 40 joke, now laugh guys, so funny haha)

canon Matthias: Big grump with a kind heart. A tragedy in childhood made him get recruited by a hateful cult. Unlearnt the bigotry & left said cult even at the cost of being branded as a traitor by his beloved country, appears cold at first but is extremely loving & tender, hella brave & wants to do the right thing. Told a misogynistic line just once then revised his opinion & started respecting the warrior sides of Nina & Inej. The only one in the group who cared for a pregnant lady. Stoic & strong, patriotic & heroic soldier, faithful & religious, believes his country can do better. Loves Nina whole-heartedly, notices Jesper & Wylan falling in love & never harbors homophobic feelings against them.

[johnemulaney]

John Mulaney: From Scratch in Las Vegas, September 4

Once again, spoilers for the show and what will presumably be in the special. This is about his relapse so tread with caution is that will be an issue for you. However, the tone of his struggle is the same one he used in his past specials so if you didn’t have any issues then, I think you’d be ok with this. Of course, use your own best judgement, friends.

The opener was Seaton Smith. 

He opened with trying to find the rich people in the crowd but acknowledged that they’d go mwrmwmwrw money isn’t everything so then he started talking about golf and went aha I got ya’ll. 

There was a joke about weed being the only Christian drug

He had a bit about when white people are nice, be nervous

He had a bit about there being a black man on the Bachelor and was like America (ABC and Disney+) were not ready for a black man to be fucking a house full of 50 white women. That shit premiered on Tuesday and the Capitol burned on Wednesday.

He also did some crowd work and roasted a couple in the front row for having different answers about kids and she was like I didn’t hear the question and was roasted about how not hearing questions you don’t want to answer is certainly a tactic, often used by drug dealers

He also had a bit about how different child rearing is in Texas versus New York and about how hitting your kids is treated differently, like his dad would have just threatened it whimsically. 

Now on to the Main Event!

The first thing he said was “hiiiiiiiiii” exactly in the tone you think he said it in. he followed that up with a little shrug looking adorable and a little bashful

“It’s him! Mr. Problems. Oh Las Vegas, Oh my god” he then talks about how Vegas is a land of vice and a Choice for him to preform in as a recovering addict. He had a sober buddy and 3 bodyguards with him at all times. 

“And here’s what happened” December 18, 2020, he gets invited to a friends apartment for dinner AND HE’S TWO HOURS LATE because he stopped, coked out of his mind, at SNL for a haircut because he still had his building access badge and he went to the hair department and they were like, he’ll leave faster if we just do this, and then he stopped at his drug dealers. 

He called venmo and cashapp, apps for drug deals and was like what do normal people even use them for. He maxed both out paying for drugs. 

He was the best looking person at his intervention. “Coke skinny, new cut” and the 12 people intervening looked like shit. He looked “tears for fears while they all looked jerry garcia” (I hope you know who those musicians are besties). 

He immediately yelled “Can I go to the bathroom” to you know, dump his drugs because when you walk into that, you know what it is. 

He was not allowed to go (he would be asked if he still needed to pee later and would say “what?”

There were 6 people in NYC and 6 people over zoom in LA because he guesses 6 people couldn’t be bothered to fly in for HIS INTERVENTION

Interventions can go two ways, it can be kind of accusatory and this is how you let us all down, or it can be supportive. Everyone but Nick Kroll got the memo to be supportive.

Nick Kroll went first.

Nick Kroll listed all the ways John was a bad best friend and brother over zoom and John was getting texts during the intervention saying Nick wasn’t supposed to do that and they were all sorry. 

Bill Hader went next. he originally wasn’t going to be able to make it so he had recorded a thing but since he was there, he did it live. (He would eventually send the video to John in rehab, which is not what you want on the way to rehab “awesome, more intervention”)

He tried to derail the intervention, “there’s not enough latinx representation” he said he’d go to any rehab except the one they had picked out for him. This was a star-studded affair and he was mad no one was being funny. 

 Natasha Lyons went next, telling him his life and career is in shambles

So he gets carted off to rehab after this intervention. Don’t let 12 comedians pack your bags for 2 months at rehab. it was bombas socks and iphone chargers. 

A little secret about rehab, you’re not allowed to bring drugs in. You remember how he was late? In his pocket on the way to rehab included: a huge amount of pills, 3g of coke (which was 2g by the time he got there, courtesy of a koala station in a gas station bathroom), and $2000 in cash. He had other plans for the weekend. He was admitted for xanax, coke, perocet, and adderall addiction. Say what you will, but he does not do anything half way.

It’s 4am when he’s sent to detox, he’s been awake for 3 days. 

He also gives a small lesson on how to get drugs. Find the lowest rated doctors on yelp and webmd reviews and go ask for them, they need all the business they can get. You become like Captain Phillips, I am the doctor now. 

Dr. Michael was his shady doctor. He was a first avenue apartment where he would write prescriptions from his kitchenette where his girl Minerva was always asleep. “I didn’t kill my wife Minerva.” But John would ask for his drugs, Dr. Michael would write the script and then ask what he needed it for. Dr. Michael would also make John take his shirt off, always offering a flu shot and going no, shirt all the way off (in case you were wondering how bad this addiction actually was)

The first moral is now you know. The second moral is get vaccinated.

He’s sent to the regular ward the next afternoon and they finally get him to sleep. 

He’s sketched out that doctors have last names at this establishment

He asks for drugs such as klonopin and is taken aback a bit when he doesn’t get them. The doctor is like PA state law says no, and so John suggests they go to a CVS in Jersey to get some. 

His bestie Pete Davidson starts calling that night. Except Pete changes his number every month and a half so John has him send a selfie and saves the new number under some other random name, at this point in time, Pete is saved as Al Pacino. (We get an Al Pacino impression) John is asleep and his nurse sees Al Pacino trying to call him 5 times and so she wakes him up. 

Pete Davidson and John Mulaney did not do drugs together. (The author is lowkey surprised and sad about that, like if Pete was my bestie, we’d make so many poor choices) But Pete was always very supportive of his sobriety. 

John needs recognition so badly, in group when they introduced themselves he said “I’m John M.” and no one cared. So he left a tabloid out with the news of his admittance and his face on it in the rec room on the table. The not being someone was “driving him bananas.” When they talked about what they do for a living and he said I’m a a stand up comedian, someone asked if he made a living that way. He said “yeah ask your daughter” (or your son)

One of the things you do at rehab is break up with your drug dealer.

One of his drug dealers only bought drugs to keep John from buying worse off the streets and only got into the game because John kept asking him for drugs and was his only buyer. That guy was originally a painter and John has no idea how they met. John is the only person to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer. 

Here he did the Baby J is back baby joke. the Park Theater is one of the biggest stages in the world so he did that joke in one pace across the stage and said the stage is that joke long. 

“I am no longer on drugs. It’s very good but also ah---” He’s in a 12 step anonymous group. 

“I need attention, clearly.” After a show you think he would be sated, but no. 

He wants that attention that the kid who’s grandparent died and showed up to school dressed for the funeral and got to sit in the beanbag chair for reading despite it not being his turn, gets. He went on about being willing to let one of the lesser important grandparents die so he could get attention, for quite a while. 

He feels left behind in science, like his C’s and D’s in those classes. All those classes were was putting things on a windowsill for the janitor to throw away. He had a bit about how the fuck people put dinosaurs back together, it’s like getting wayfair furniture without the instructions. 

He also things the moon belongs to America. Like we got there first and when other countries say stuff about the moon he’s like mmmmmmm.

He also had a joke about paying to get into college and like, for white people that’s always how it’s been. 

The show ended with him going over the highlights of that GQ interview that he was so coked out for that he forgot he did it entirely. He has no memory of it at all. He was just called up that day and asked for an interview and you know how coke is the best drug to receive attention on? He just did whatever he wanted with that attention. 

And that was the show.

[56kilobits]

Anti-Booba

I don’t normally write screeds now-a-days (I used to, ages ago), but there is a very anxiety-inducing server migration coming up and it’s got me stressing, so this is essentially a distraction, or a procrastination, or some combination of the two. --- When people talk about AI (which they do a lot, lately), it’s often not just about AI. AI becomes a symbolic representation of either what is very wrong or very right in the world, the messianic or apocalyptic technology that will either usher in a golden age of economic freedom via Pure Unfettered Capitalism Baby, or a nightmare cyberpunk (in the 80s manner, not where it got retconned into a cool thing) dystopia where all creative work is done by high-performance clusters in a server farm in Argentina, also via Pure Unfettered Capitalism Baby.  When in reality it’s a computer doing a Google image search for your assorted prompts and cobbling them together into a picture that vaguely resembles something a human would willingly look at. GPT2 is, due to the relative linearity of language, much better at composing something human, occasionally spitting out something pretty damn funny, but ultimately there is no human spark here. It’s all just a computer making guesswork as to how best to fulfill your request.  Which brings me to this fuckin’ guy (said in a thick Chicago accent).

Where to start with this shit. Let’s go with the first two words. “AI has [...]” is doing a lot of work here. This particular phrasing leads a more uninformed reader to assume this man sat down in front of a computer and asked it, simply, to produce a “beautiful woman”, much in the same way you’d ask it to give you Tane. When in reality, what happens is he spent maybe 2-3 hours (depending on the capabilities of his hardware) punching in keywords into an increasingly massive Stable Diffusion prompt to get the specific kind of “beautiful woman” he wanted it to generate for him. 

So, AI by itself didn’t do much here. You told the AI you wanted Z cup breasts, and by golly it gave them to you.  The second part is best explained given the context of the following tweets in his thread. 

Can you pick up what’s being implied here? 

If it’s going over your head, I’ll make it explicit: this man has confused his porn addiction with reality.

Let me explain. 

As soon as humans were able to create art, the first thing they did was create boobs. For going on thousands of years without ceasing, every culture has been passionate about depicting hot women with their tits out. Mostly for religious purposes, but keep in mind that “secularism” is a modern concept. 

You’ll notice in all these cultures, from Western European painting, to Greco-Roman statuary, to Indus Valley temple freizes, nowhere do the boobs hit past a C cup. I thought men loved enormous knockers? No, for most of human history having F cups or above was like, inconceivable. F cups are a direct, like, straight-line consequence of chemical fertilizer. Modern science, specifically in the form of agronomy and nutrition science, is the reason we have big boobs at all.

Basically what I’m saying is, if you showed a Hindu manuscript painter some hentai with logic-defying gazongas, he would look at you dead in the eye and say, “Are you high? That’s not what women look like. That’s not beautiful.” 

That’s the weeds we’re getting into: is beauty subjective? And to find the answer, we can look in the historical record and see, yeah, it is subjective. 

The elephant in the room here, though, is the actual point of these images. Women with large breasts, the OP claims, are the ideal of beauty. Sure. But these aren’t just large breasts. 

Obviously the first thing here is OP totally denying he had any hand at all in the creation of these images, again making the assertion he told the computer to give him a beautiful woman. And of course all the replies asking him to post the prompt are going ignored, because he would have to admit to his role, and we can’t have the audience looking behind the curtain, can we. 

(I would post more quotes but this dipshit’s wielding of reductive logic and “I am right, because you’re mad” is going to give me a brain bleed. Truly one of Western Civilization’s finest defenders)

These aren’t real women. They are “beautiful” to you, but they’re not real breasts on a real human female. They can’t be real, either, because it’s biologically impossible for breasts to look that way. Real human female breasts are heavy, from fat and mammary tissue and (sometimes) sacs of saline, and the way gravity affects them will lead to something markedly less perky and supple and dough-like, they way they’re depicted here.

To get boobs like that they’d have to be filled with - and I am not being absurd here - literal marshmallow fluff. 

They’re calling you a porn addict, dude, because the only other place you can see boobs like this is in hentai. 

Post the prompt. 

---

There’s one last thing to touch on, one point you see come up time and time again when 3DPD vs 2D comes up. It’s the idea that the topic of the day, the new “thing”, is going to somehow “disrupt female sex hegemony”. Women will no longer control access to sex, they say. Men will be freed from the nagging bitches who make them take out the trash instead of just being the subservient blowjob dispensers they were designed to be.

Finally, freedom for men from the tyranny of the fairer sex!

You can say a lot of words in response to this, and in fact many people already have, which I will not repeat for brevity’s sake, but ultimately, who really gives a shit? You’re excited to not have to date anymore and just use AI sex dolls? That’s great man. Happy for you. 

The relative percentage of men who have no interest in being tied down to some cunty bitch wife and would rather have their needs fulfilled by a computer with a moist hole, vs the percentage of men who want a real woman to build a life with, will not change. Maybe single digit percentage points, but not meaningfully. Even with petabytes of internet porn available, men still seek out real women for the tangible and intangible qualities they have. If this “disruption” was going to happen, it... already has. 

You’re allowed to have your preference for 2D women, but you have to admit, it’s pretty liberal and modernist (yuck!) to eschew forming a family unit and continuing your bloodline to live in decadence, just you and the women your tensor GPU spits out for your pleasure. 

[unpretty]

astielle ch 28 spoiler ask dump~~

anonymous asked:

Tauril-form is puberty, because that's when his voice changes. Abysscale-form is college-age because that's when he goes to his first orgy.

anonymous asked:

You called Abysscale-form college-age (which does not preclude teenage sexscapades given the ages that go to college) and that tracks with how I think of Tauril-form as going through puberty (because of the voice-change). But if Tauril is the horny teenager that's kind of sad. Because as Minnow has pointed out many times That Dick Will Kill.

not each other, it won't!! although i imagine taurils sleeping with each other would have the bro-iest vibe. very bill and ted. taurils also have Options with people who aren't giant bull centaurs, it's just awkward is all. fortunately for everyone taurils are actually adults and are not full of hormones, they just have zero impulse control and when they like someone they want to impress them and spend time with them and it doesn't necessarily occur to them to get their dicks involved in the situation (karzarul's mind was elsewhere the first time he was a tauril)

anonymous asked:

When Violet said monsters make the best mercenaries and throw the best parties I didn't think about it, but the fact that all the impyrs came into being with swordsmanship skills equal to Lynette probably had something to do with the former. Even if ten isn't that many, THEY COME BACK. (Eventually. In, like, a month.) And the others probably learned from Lynette, even if they died. Lynette's unintentional teaching, back again.

they learned from the best murdering them repeatedly

anonymous asked:

When Ari is repopulating, and he skips Black Drakonis, he says "Makes sense." But he's surprised when Violet points out that Black Drakonis is missing, so it sounds like he at least had a theory/assumption at the time for why she was skipped, but it doesn't match with the new information.

he initially just assumed that black drakonis had managed to avoid being killed the whole time, which made sense because she's a big dragon and she can just fly away if someone is trying to murder her. but generally if a bigass monster is alive someone is going to see it, especially her, because she likes finding population centers to try to guard.

anonymous asked:

"It also occurred to him that trying to get Minnow to act like she lived in a society since they were young may have negatively impacted his sense of what constituted an acceptable thing to say to a person while his dick was out." Is just HILARIOUS.

anonymous asked:

Honestly I can relate to Leonas cause just last week I was like 'I keep falling asleep in class maybe I should develop a caffeine addiction' and one of my friends was like 'pls eat more food' so I started to actually have breakfast and an after work snack and I magically stopped falling asleep in class

anonymous asked:

Minnow's hips don't lie, but castle ruins are strangely deceptive.

everyone who wasn't following along when astielleblogging intersected with kink taxonomy hell is going to be so confused if/when minnow finally gets stuck somewhere

@9ofspades asked:

Ari is my favorite again and I want him to have actual eternity to be happy with his poly soulmate throuple together. And also his big monster family. Also I think he's wrong about what the core of the Heir and Hero are - both of them have, deep in the core of their souls, the fact that they are Monsterfuckers.

for the record i have a post in my drafts with all of your readalong asks and i still haven't decided what to do with them but i enjoyed them IMMENSELY

anonymous asked:

>looking for food >ask the cook if their food is earthy or wet >she doesn't understand >pull out illustrated diagram explaining what is earthy and what is wet >she laughs and says "it's good food sir" >buy some food >its wet

@ivylaughed asked:

I love the tumblr meme references in Astielle. The guards bringing their own knives; there being an infinite variety of brassica oleracea; the fucking chocolate guy. I'm half-waiting for a children's hospital/color theory reference. Thank you for the easter eggs.

i'm glad someone read 'chocolate birdhouse' and immediately thought THAT FUCKING CHOCOLATE GUY AGAIN ashjasd

anonymous asked:

I just wanted to say that as a plant nerd and forager I deeply appreciated Minnow's surprisingly accurate botany lesson.

unfortunately all the books that leonas gave minnow are still at her house and so she cannot cite sources for the existence of hemlock, queen anne's lace, and giant hogweed

anonymous asked:

“I think you overestimate people’s willingness to admit when things don’t make sense to them," lmao Minnow has a point

will the two men she is with learn from this and start admitting when they don't know things they think they should and are confused? absolutely not.

anonymous asked:

XD Ari hears "Kavid" and immediately attempts a strategic retreat.

anonymous asked:

“‘you should get dressed’ is a complete sentence.” Is making me laugh.

it's probably for the best because if he actually had known all three of them were out there it would have taken him like an hour to get ready and he would have had at least one breakdown about how none of his outfits were good enough and it was all nari's fault

anonymous asked:

Kavid: I will be happy to HAVE YOU ALL *lascivious eyebrow wiggle* at my earliest convenience.

anonymous asked:

"he gets smaller" "in this weather who doesn't?" KITTY PLZZZ

anonymous asked:

I can't decide whether I love or hate Kavid - I have a very Specific idea in mind for his voice, though I admittedly can't figure out where I'm pulling it from. He is an Excellent character though. Lovely chapter as always :D

anonymous asked:

Before, I was entertained by Kavid. Now I love him.

anonymous asked:

Kitty, Kraven and Kavid have similar speech patterns on purpose, right??? Right?????

i was honestly imagining some kind of nonsense faux-european what-country-is-this-even-from hollywood accent but imagining that he has sounded extremely russian this whole time is extremely funny

@rose-and-bones asked:

SHE HAS A TYPE aghfgstjs

minnow having a thing for obnoxiously pretty men who think they're great aka self-recognition through the other (horny)

@speakingintothevoid asked:

“You are,” Leonas said, “an egotistical, self-important fop.” “Ye-e-es,” Kavid said without shame. “She has a type, does Starlight.” I! LOVE!! IT!!! Makes me almost think of Violet and Karzarul - our point of view character being faced with a version of themselves who are more comfortable in their own skin and our boys not knowing why that annoys them

@keleviel asked:

I rescind my earlier mild disdain, Kavid is great. Is he actually The Greatest Of Bards, or is that just more showmanship?

he rocks about as hard as you can rock on a lyre, which is probably harder than you'd think (especially if you brought a lot of drummers) (which he does)

anonymous asked:

Jakshahshsh every time a new astielle chapter comes out i read it at least twice. Kavid i love you. Leonas i love you also you fucked up lil man. And karzarul the seat. And minnow the mischievous. and just. poor nari. existing in the same world as minnow and her all-powerful boyfriends and also kavid. nari needs a raise

she really does

anonymous asked:

Bruce in Office Meeting and Leonas grabbing the wine when Kavid starts talking about Imperials solidarity.

anonymous asked:

"You would like to compare notes?""Always." Brilliant. Leonas to a t. Loving this interlude with kavid. Snuggly tipsy leonas is a treat. kavids talk of how the weather makes all of us smaller had me cackling. Also this batshit imperial conspiracy is gr8

anonymous asked:

I am suddenly much less comfortable about Leonas performing medical experiments on Minnow, though no fault of his own. :(

@mooseman13579 asked:

Leonas finding out about the weird sun empire truther stuff: haha I'm in danger

the real unanswered question is how much of this is news and how much of it is stuff he already knew and assumed was normal

@thegayknee asked:

Holy shit this is it, isnt it. This is how they fix karzarul's reputation and expose Leland. With the power of Kavid

anonymous asked:

Karzarul's Questlog: "Work on our Image" updated, The Tale of Hollow Monsters delivered to bard.

anonymous asked:

just how many of her lovers is minnow going to recruit into her questing party

she should probably be swapping people out to keep their levels consistent but instead she just keeps karzarul and leonas as her companions for every single quest

@flying-butter asked:

"Details! I need details!" "The king sucks." This is every conversation with any of the trio. Minnow likely knows how to complete half of Ari's quests and Leonas the other half, but no one talks about anything without prompting.

minnow just assumes that everyone knows what she knows because she can't possibly be the brains of the operation and meanwhile karzarul and leonas are both busy having shame

anonymous asked:

i was so excited for the lore drop but the moment Leonas sat in Karzarul's lap my brain just shut off

@themaidenisdeath asked:

oh yes, as we all know, "all business" and "taciturn" are the first words that come to mind when we think of Minnow. It reminded me of when she met Karzarul and he told her she was particularly chatty for hero. Sorry Kavid, you're just neither a Sweet, Considerate Monster with a Dick of Steel And Tentacles To Match™ nor a Twink Prince With Silky Hair, Dom Tendencies And Weird Dietary Beliefs™

@halfdeadfriedrice asked:

"what Hero business?" / "I'm the Hero. All my business is Hero business." You tell em Minnow! And then it turns out to be Quest relevant after all; all business is Hero business Also kavid's last night's makeup and messy convertible couch covered in laundry with half-empty wine bottles on the floor is THEE most visually resonant, I feel like I am visiting a college friend

leonas got very lucky that there weren't any cigarette butts floating in that wine because in his mood he might have just drank it anyway

[angel-riki]

Dazed & Dreaming {Ch. 4}

summary: Y/N's life was always quite normal, some may even consider it boring. However, Y/N enjoyed her simple life and the little pleasures it brought. Unfortunately, that all changed the day she found out her best friend's biggest secret. Her discovery leads her down a rabbit hole of a new and confusing world she never knew existed. She must now navigate this new life filled with love, fear, and the supernatural. What awaits her down this path?

pairing: enhypen x reader (vampire au)

warnings: light swearing

words: 1,409

chapters: [Ch.1] [Ch.2] [Ch.3]

~~~~~~~~~~

You stood at your locker while stuffing all of the books needed for this weekend's homework into your backpack. You tapped your chin while scanning your locker. Hmm I think that's everything I'll need. You looked down at your phone to check the time. However, the date caught your eye instead as the realization hit you. Oh my god. Jake's birthday is tomorrow. You had completely forgotten. Jeez I'm a terrible friend, you sighed. There had just been so much going on recently, it had completely slipped your mind. You hadn't even gotten him a present yet. You stood there contemplating what to get him when suddenly, almost as if on cue, Sunoo appeared.

"Hey, Y/N!" He said with a cheerful smile.

"Oh, hi Sunoo!" You smiled back, although you were a bit confused. You and Sunoo had never really talked much before. You just met him for the first time last week, what business could he have with you?

"Sorry to bother you Y/N, but I just had a quick question for you," he began.

"Oh sure, what is it?" You ask. His eyes lit up as he continued.

"Sooo, it's Jake's birthday tomorrow and we were thinking of throwing him a surprise party! And since you're one of his closest friends, I was wondering if you'd like to help plan it with me and the rest of the boys." You were caught off guard by his request, it was almost like he knew that you were just thinking about Jake's birthday. What a funny coincidence. Regardless, you were excited to help out.

"Oh, that's a great idea, I'd love to help!" You replied.

"Yay! This is gonna be so fun, I can't wait!" He was full of excitement as he spoke. You chuckled. Cute. You and Sunoo continued discussing the party for a few minutes and it was decided that you were going bring the cake. You loved to bake so you were more than happy to do so. Shortly after Sunoo went off on his way, Heeseung approached you.

"Hey, Y/N," he said warmly. "Sunoo told me that you're in on the surprise party now, and I was actually going to grab some supplies after school so I was wondering if you'd like to come with me,"

"I'd love to," you said, smiling at him.

"Great," he replied, seeming quite happy that you accepted his offer. He didn't know what it was about you but as soon as you became friends, he wanted to be around you all the time. Something about you was just so addicting to him.

*****

You and Heeseung stood in the party aisle staring at the huge array of party supplies and decorations.

"Wow, there's quite a lot to pick from," you said. Heeseung nodded in agreement. Eventually, you both decided on some simple streamers and balloons as well as some birthday themed plates and napkins. Everything was black and ivory colored since those were Jake's favorite colors.

"This'll do," Heeseung said, satisfied.

"Yeah, let's go pay," you said while interlocking your arm with his. He had a difficult time keeping a smile from creeping onto his face as you did so.

You decided to go to the self-checkout since you were only buying a few things. You scanned all the items before putting them into a paper bag. The total appeared on the screen as you reached for your wallet.

"Oh don't worry about it, I got it," Heeseung said while pulling out his card.

"Don't be silly, I owe you for driving me around all the time. Let me pay, please?" You asked, although it was more of a command.

"Nope, I'm not letting you." He said with a teasing grin.

"Well, you're too late." You said as you beat him to the card slot. You faced him and stuck out your tongue. He rolled his eyes as you both laughed.

"I'll pay you back later." Heeseung said, not wanting to give up.

"Whatever you say," you retorted.

After you left the store, you headed back to the parking lot. Heeseung unlocked the car and put the bag in the backseat (he insisted on carrying it). He then shut the door before turning to you.

"Have you gotten a gift for Jake yet?" He asked.

"Uh, no not yet..." you answered. You were a bit embarrassed to admit that you still didn't have a present for him when his birthday was tomorrow.

"Perfect, I haven't either actually. Do you wanna go look around some shops and see what we can find?" He suggested.

"Oh, yeah. That sounds good," you said, relieved that you were both in the same boat.

You decided to check out the nearest clothing shop. After entering the store, you began looking around for something that Jake might like. Heeseung began his own search as well. You were looking through a rack of coats when you saw a huge faux fur coat. You giggled at the thought of Jake wearing it. You slipped it on and called out to Heeseung.

"Oh this is totally up Jake's alley, dontcha think?" You asked while striking a pose in the ridiculous coat. Heeseung snorted at you and nodded.

"Totally." He agreed sarcastically.

You continued to look through the rack a bit more before you found another hideous jacket. This one was neon green and covered in random zippers and buckles. It was incredibly tacky. So of course, you put it on.

"Gosh I look terrible in this. Then again, I don't think anyone would actually look good in it." You chuckled. Heeseung laughed along and shook his head.

"I think you'd look nice in anything," he uttered under his breath. Thankfully, you didn't hear him because if you did, your heart probably would of burst.

After looking around a bit longer, you eventually settled on a brown corduroy jacket and a bottle of cologne that you thought fit Jake's taste. Heeseung had picked out a nice pair of sneakers and a small ring. You both checked out before making your way back to the car. It had gotten rather chilly outside as you shivered and rubbed your hands together in attempt to keep them warm. Heeseung noticed you shivering and set both of the shopping bags down (he insisted on carrying them again) before turning to you and wrapping his hands around yours. You were caught off guard by his gesture. Your heartbeat picked up rapidly. He kept his hands around yours for a moment before looking back up at you.

"Better?" he asked with a kind smile.

"Y-yeah, thanks," you were definitely much warmer now, considering how hot in the face you had become. Luckily, it just seemed like your face was flushed from the cold. At least that's what you hoped Heeseung assumed. You made it back to the car and quickly climbed into the passenger seat as Heeseung put the rest of the bags in the back. He then returned to the driver's seat and immediately turned on the heat.

The ride home was pleasent as you both chatted and sang along to the radio. You were surprised to find out that Heeseung has a lovely singing voice. Could he get any more perfect?? You were a little bit sad when you arrived at your house, not wanting your time with him to end. You thanked him for taking you shopping as you climbed out of the car.

"No problem, thanks for coming with me. I had fun." He said happily.

"I had fun too," you said. You smiled and waved goodbye as he drove away. After heading inside, you went to grab your phone out of your jacket. As you stuck your hand in your pocket, you felt something else in there along with your phone. It felt like paper of some kind. You pulled it out to see what it was. It was a $20 bill. You stared at it in confusion before you realized where it came from. Oh my god, how and when did he even put this here?? You rolled your eyes and giggled. Heeseung did promise to pay you back after all.

~~~~~~~~~~

Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I didn't intend for the shopping trip to take up the entirety of it, but here we are hahaha. Regardless, thank you for reading and supporting the series, it really helps me stay motivated! :)

~Elle <3

[lazydreamsublime]

Do You Pinky Promise

CH.3

Got Trust Issues, I admit it, Scar Tissue to Prevent The Pain That Waits

Summary: Things slowly return to normal, with the exception of Silco's now frequent visits. You can finally relax in your home - wait……no the hell they didn’t. 

Triggers: There is drug abuse, there is violence, different kinds of smokes and child abuse in this story. Please be mindful of the following content.

Silco x addict!f!reader

Graphic depictions of violence in this chapter!!

Chapter1 Chapter2 Chapter4

Another month has passed. Silco is visiting weekly now, mainly on Thursdays. He comes in, asks how you're feeling, if there's been any changes in work. Of course, he doesn't believe a word you say, so he inspects your hands and face to see any obvious signs of decline. He doesn't, and he leaves it be.

He’s actually declared that you’re fine now. Funny it only took two months to convince him. ‘You’re more capable than I give you credit for’ he said. He still visits though for some reason. Anytime you ask he just responds how it’s his facility, he’ll do as he likes. When asking the other Factory executives, they share that they rarely ever see the guy. So why you? Why Here?

Next to that, when you're working around him you can feel his eyes burning into your back. Yet when you turn around, he’s focussed on something else entirely. You swear he’s watching you. You can’t help but be paranoid around him.

Other than that, work has been steady. You have hired guns with every transport now, and none have caused trouble yet. Silco is still hesitant on your decisions, and if you're honest - so are you. Like hell you'll tell HIM that though. No, you just take extra precautions when dealing with them.

You pay them half at the beginning, and the receiving facility pays the other half when the cargo arrives. You've made sure everyone is clear on these rules, and they all agreed. It's been working surprisingly well.

Now, it's Sunday. It feels like it's been forever since you've had a break. It's also been a while since you and Sevika sparred.

Sevika has a friend who owns a gym. The equipment isn't in the best condition but it does the job. It's actually more foot traffic than you thought, judging by the crowd that was forming around you two.

Now, contrary to popular belief, you are a DAMN good fighter. Sevika may be bigger than you, but you've managed to make her lose her balance. And with that, all you had to do was make sure she stayed down. She's even tapped out a few times.

Between the two of you, it was a pretty even match. While she fights with brute strength, you fight her with her own weight. A trick your old man taught you before he up and left for topside.

By the end of it, Sevika won. You stand there, hunched over panting, as she accepts 'congratulations' from the betters in the crowd.

It was a fucking sparring match. What the hell?

You both sat down together now. Taking a smoke/water break.

You spoke up to her immediately though, "Hey Sev? Can you do me a favor in the future?"

"Depends."

"Don't give my pills to Silco anymore. If you can't show up, then I wait another day. It's not the end of the world."

She laughs at you, "It must've been pretty bad if it has you thinking of going a day without these things." She holds up a bag of what you can clearly see is two new bottles.

"Sevika, I still have the one. It's still full."

"Well, now you're ahead. No nasty withdrawal symptoms."

"People are gonna start thinking you're my dealer."

"At this point? Might as well be. Just be glad I don't charge you."

"And why don't you? This shit is a pain to get, it's all from topside."

"Hey, I make plenty of money at my current job thank you. Besides, I guess…you're supposed to go out of your way to do shit for stupid people like you."

……Was…was that?

"Was that your way of saying, you care?"

"That's my way of saying, I've seen how bitchy you are without your 'candy'. You not being that shitty is payment enough."

You laughed at that, agreeing with her. You weren't the best person when off your meds. But that was the closest you were ever getting to being called a friend by Sevika.

It was nice to know she felt that way.

Has nice as it felt, you did not like the sentimental feeling that is now looming over you. Topic change, now.

"You got any plans after this Sevika? Meet a nice girl? Get some drinks with her? Maybe spend the night at her place?"

She actually barks a laugh at that, "With my line of work? You actually thought I'd have time for that? No, unfortunately the boss is calling everyone in. We got some business to take care of."

"Wow, everyone needs to be in for that?"

"Sorry, I can't go into detail for why."

"I understand, just business."

Sevika gets up and starts getting ready to leave.

"What about you? Got any plans?"

"Mmm, thinking about taking Tammy out for a walk."

"Doesn't she just go off on her own now?"

"She does but everytime I come home she's whining and holding her leash. She misses going out together."

"God, you're such a sap."

You chuckle at her response and help her with her poncho.

"You still need to tell me what exactly happened with your arm. You haven't told me shit yet."

She looked right at you, "Just business." And walked away.

Back at the house, as you said before, your Saint Bernard, Tammy, was there holding her leash whining to spend time with you.

"I know Tamtam, let me look over these forums real quick and then we'll walk around."

Just because you weren't physically at work doesn't mean you didn't take some home. All you had to do was confirm the shimmer transport anyway. Shouldn't take long.

You were looking over the documents of the last transport when you got a gut feeling. When comparing your numbers with the neighbor factorie's everything added up correctly. So why was stockpile incorrect?

You kept looking until you got to the signature that passed everything. You knew EVERY managers signature, just so you knew if anyone screwed up.

THIS WAS FORGED.

You were beyond pissed that anyone would even try this. You grabbed your shotgun from the gun cabinet and turned to Tammy, who could sense that something was up.

"Want to play fetch instead girl?"

Silco was not a patient man. If a mistake is made he understands, but if it happens again he is not so understanding. When questioning the east side factory manager on why there was a shortage of shimmer coming from here, he was met with nothing but a confused look.

Sevika held the man down in his seat while Silco drew out a knife from his jacket.

The man started talking quickly, "I-I don't know! Everything has always been in order!"

"Mistakes are already an annoyance. Ignorance is unforgivable."

Before he could start cutting, the door to the main office is kicked down. There you standing with a double barrel shotgun and a Saint Bernard at your side, baring it's teeth.

You look at him, then at Sevika. "THIS is just business? Torturing my coworker?"

Silco jumped in before Sevika could retort, "Leave. This does not concern you."

Silco turned back around facing the manager again, only to now realize just how upset you were.

"Actually asshole, it does. More than you think. So how about you move the fuck aside while I deal with this problem."

He whipped back around facing you again after that, with a look that could kill. That doesn't even make you hesitant.

"He's not the guy you want anyway! All the more reason for me to take the reigns, since you're obviously way to impatient to follow the obvious thread that'll lead you to who you really want. So move aside asshole, before I make you."

Your dog barks at him while you walk towards the terrified and confused man.

"Sorry about all this Gary."

"Can you just tell me what's going on?" His voice was far too shaky to be taken seriously.

You threw some papers in front of him on his desk. Silco recognized them as the stockpile and cargo docs.

"Tell me who was in the inbound position and in charge of this truck."

Gary looked over the documents you tossed at him. Silco couldn't help but note how intimidated the man was of you. He can't help but wonder what else you've done.

"This - this was Dan. He was stationed there then - I didn't sign ANY of this!"

"I know." After your curt reply you start walking out, "Tammy, nāc."

The dog follows her out.

Silco follows closely after you, only for you to hop off one of the catwalks to roll onto the ground floor. When he looks down he sees four other people with you.

One was Santos, your secretary of sorts. Another was a bulky one that was holding down a man in a chair so he couldn't leave, much like Sevika was with Gary. Only difference is this poor sod had his hands bound as well. The last two you brought with looked to be paramedics. Of course they didn't have the attire, but the equipment they carried hinted at medical support. And this was taking place in the middle of the factory. In front of everyone.

Just what were you planning?

You approached the man in the chair - who he assumed was Dan - with this slow menacing walk that had even him on edge.

In a different way from everyone else, he's sure of that, but still on edge.

He saw your pet catch up with you, after taking the stairs, and take it's place at your side again. He decided to follow it's example and rush down the stairs as well.

He HAD to see what happened.

"Well would you look at that Dan! That's two against one!" He could hear your voice from the stairs, you sounded unhinged. He moved faster.

"You're really taking Gary's word over mine!? Hotshot, we've known each other for years! The fact you don't trust me on this hurts my feelings-"

"I'm giving you two chances, but you won't like it once we get to the second."

Silco had made his way through the crowd and got there just in time to see you place the barrel of the gun on top of his left leg.

“Who did you sell it to?”

Dan looked at everyone around him with a forced smile, "She isn't serious everyone! She's a jokester like that! It's just a thing of ours! Everything's fine-!"

The second a loud boom was heard, Dan's leg was nothing but chunks of flesh on the floor amongst a pink mist.

Blood splattered over five feet away into the crowd, gore dripping from people’s hair. Eyes were wide in horror at what they just witnessed. Silco’s was more shock than horror.

He looks at you again, noting the uncaring look in your eyes as you gazed at the man screaming in pain and agony. He can’t even make himself care about the noise. He was fixated on you. Covered head to toe in the blood of a traitor, how tall you made yourself stand over his squirming body.

He can’t help but admire you. You’re breathtaking like this. You’re beautiful.

You’re powerful.

The women holding Dan down had to use more force after the shot. He was squirming in all different ways screaming. She was glad you tied up his hands.

You smacked your hand over his mouth to shut him up. “I warned you, didn't I? You wouldn’t like it?” You crouch down and squat in front of him, your hand still on him.

“Let’s try this again. Answer my question, and those guys over there will patch you up.” You gesture to your ‘doctors’ standing to the side. “Otherwise we can leave you here to bleed out.”

You take your hand back and he immediately starts screaming a name, almost hysterically.

“BRENT!!! IT WAS BRENT!!”

Everyone in the room felt the air change instantly. No one knew why, no one but Silco. He remembers the spy he sent out relaying to him what happened. He remembers that name and what it means to you. You look ready to snap.

You raised your hand and snapped your fingers. Medical assistance came over and started on patching his le- eerrr, nub.

You stood up again, whispered something to Santos, walked away and out of the building. Tammy followed.

And so did Silco.

You walked down empty streets alone, until you heard your name from behind. You turned to see Silco walking towards you.

“If you came here to lecture me on my methods, save it for morning-”

“I planned on nothing of the sort.”

“....What do you want, Silco?”

He paused, he didn’t really know what he wanted right now. He just needed to speak with you. Ever since the beginning, he’s wanted something. It’s why he’s made the excuse to check on your performance, why he teased you with your addiction, and now making random visits to the factory. He wants SOMETHING, but he doesn’t know what. Just a chat? You don’t look much in the mood for that.

“You knew the colluder?”

“He at least wasn’t lying about that. Yeah, we knew each other for years. He’d always get in trouble and I’d bail him out. There were times where he’d help me too. I don’t know when or how things changed though. But now I think I have more of an idea.”

Right. Brent. He had a feeling you’d be going after him, and he won’t be able to stop you.

“Are you just going to stand there?”

He didn’t realize he’d been staring at you.

“Look, I’m really fucking tired tonight, okay? Can this wait another day?”

You start walking again and he just watches. He doesn’t know what to say to you, to at least ease the pain.

Wait.

You hear your name again and turn around once more, looking more irritable. You don’t say anything.

“You’re not the only one to feel the pain of betrayal.”

Once he said that, he could see you struggling to keep it together. He could see you brows curl up more, eyes watering - you look away so he can’t see you breaking on the inside. He understands. And yet for some reason, he puts his arms out. Not real wide, but enough for an invitation.

You look at him confused, all he says is, “No one should know such suffering. Especially alone.”

In a moment of weakness, you run into his arms. You hold on to him tightly crying your eyes out. You’re very quiet, refuse to show more than you already have. He doesn’t mind however, the feeling of want he’s had for two months now has finally subsided - at least slightly.

So here you two stand, hugging each other, in the middle of a lone empty street. With Tammy looking up at you both with her head cocked to the side

[bitchcraftmagic]

For a long time I have had…feelings about the John Mulaney situation and I have finally decided to speak my truth. Be gentle.

So I will fully admit that I have always kind of projected on John Mulaney. His kind of open discussion of his trouble with addiction coupled with his brand of humor was, for me, the basis of his appeal. His relationship with his wife didn’t really factor in. He talked about her a lot, sure. And I’m a little slut for antiques and vintage light fixtures so when I found out what she did I became a fan. Suffice it to say that Mulaney’s marriage meant little to me but I thought it was nice when he spoke on it.

Flash forward to December 2020. I make it a point to watch all his talk show appearances because I am a fan. Mulaney appears on his friend and former coworker Seth Meyers’ late night show. Immediately I notice something is off and my thought is “oh no he fell off the wagon”. As the show progresses it becomes clear to me he is not sober and my heart breaks for him. I know the struggle. At one point he realizes that the train is off the tracks and he looks Seth in the eyes and says “I’m so sorry” in a moment of rather heartbreaking vulnerability. Seth replies “it’s okay” with the tenderness of someone who has traveled down this road before. I will readily admit I was primed to read into this more than others would but I do think that “I’m sorry” was real. I have been on the receiving end of that kind of apology before. I have said those words before. And of course the story continues. He goes to rehab and files for divorce rather quickly and we find out that he has entered a relationship with Olivia Munn (a person who I don’t really care for). I, like most, was surprised by the turn of events but unlike most of the takes I saw I looked at this in the context of what it means to be struggling with addiction.

I don’t know if folks know this but when you are in the throes of addiction your decision making skills are not at their peak. Usually it is accompanied with a myriad of other mental health issues and thus you are a little all over the place. And watching everything unfold I thought to myself that this just seems a bit like a person in crisis. From what I understood he had been sober for many years and this lapse came on rather quick and hard. He was obviously inebriated on live television, things were not going well. And I couldn’t help have empathy for the guy. Would I have divorced my wife and had a kid with Olivia Munn? No, probably not but I am also not Mr. Mulaney and these options are not available to me but I have, for example, got up to my eyeballs in debt due to addiction. You’re not thinking with a full deck when you are dealing with that struggle.

I was always rather cognizant that Mr. Mulaney was just a man with a myriad of flaws. His earlier standup often relied on “nerdy white man talks with AAVE” and his fixation on his wife being Jewish felt a little problematic. I heard no real complaints from communities involved and I kind of chalked that up to him being pretty funny (good jokes cover up a lot of sins). So when there was this effort to soft cancel him for this very private “offense” I was rather surprised by how idealized he was beforehand. People loved him, of course, but this persona as “good man” was new to me. He was a man, to me at least, and a man open about his struggles. So this hard fall form such a mountainous pedestal was kind of shocking to me. I couldn’t help but be weirded out by how angry people had become over this. It was a sad moment in two peoples’ lives but we know so very little and this extrapolation about his supposed “crimes” is too much. It’s the same hungry and destructive speculation that followed couch guy and it feels so gross to me to consume this very personal story like it’s a particularly action packed episode of Real Housewives. John Mulaney will be fine, I have no doubt about that, but he also is just a guy. He didn’t make promises to you. He never claimed to be this sweet kind man you imagined. That’s on you. He was always a human being with flaws you just got mad because he revealed them.

I’m not saying you need to like him but I find it funny that it is this very personal moment of his life that has led to any kind of substantive criticism and I can’t help but think it’s because the majority of people I see mad about this are straight white women. His “problematic” behavior finally touched on something that hurt them. I would find much more validity in takes about his use of AAVE and antisemitism in his stand up if they didn’t come well after his supposed infidelity (the critiques are valid, by the way, it is the fact that they aren’t factor into these folks criticism that makes me look askance). Again I don’t want to discount his ex-wife’s pain but in the grand scheme of things that’s their struggle not mine. White women seem to be so mad about this because they wanted someone to talk about them like Mulaney talked about his wife and when he divorced her in this messy way they were mad that fantasy was dissolved. And again the language of progressive girl power is weaponized to yell at a man for being a sometimes problematic human being like all of us. Because if these women cared at all about progress or accountability his questionable standup would have been on everyone’s tongue years ago but they don’t really. They’re just mad that a promise a man never made to them was broken.

In conclusion I saw a tweet that had upwards of 250k likes when Mulaney’s comeback tour was announced that basically said “I don’t want to see a man trauma dump for an hour so I’ll pass.” I remember feeling really hurt by this, not because I felt particularly bad for Mulaney (his shows are sold out, he will be fine and dandy) but because I felt something as a person who struggled with addiction. That has never factored into these discussions and time and time again people with addiction are never given any benefit of the doubt. Addiction is trauma. Never mind the fact that I’m sure Mulaney’s standup will be better than just a man complaining for an hour (he’s a far better writer than Louis CK ever was) but if he wanted to talk about the trauma of addiction for an hour in a humorous way I think that would have value. But he’s a mean man who cheated (?) on his nice wife so fuck his problems, I guess. There is no room for open discussions about how addiction turns your life upside down and you do things that don’t make sense. There is no room to look at anyone as a sum of their parts. There is no room for anything but sad white women who believed in a fantasy of their own making.

This is too long and all over the place but, yeah, I needed to get it out. At the end of the day he’s going to be fine but I feel like the culture at large suffers in these moments. It just shows me that people have this outsized view of the goodness of their favorite celebrity and forget the very human struggles they have. Just be kind to each other and perhaps relax a little.