#(i have a vague notion so i hope i'm not too far off)

[kirayaykimura]

Sensitive Negotiations by Sabraeal/@sabraeal​

Shirayuki did not expect that diplomacy would take so much alcohol.

Obi, for his part, is unsurprised.

A playlist. 

Sledgehammer by Fifth Harmony

My body’s tellin’ secrets I ain’t told you yet. 

Ain’t My Fault by Zara Larsson 

It ain’t my fault you keep turnin’ me on. 

Intoxicated by The Cab

Felt like I black out, pass out, every time that we touch. 

Let’s Fall in Love for the Night by FINNEAS

Let’s fall in love for the night and forget in the morning. 

Private Show by Little Mix

You got my adrenalin pumping when you stand so close.

In The Next Room by Neon Trees

If you only knew how hard it is to handle how bad I want this scandal.

Dress by Taylor Swift 

I don’t want you like a best friend. Only bought this dress so you could take it off. 

Drunk in Love by Beyonce

I get filthy when that liquor get into me.

Sleeping With a Friend by Neon Trees

When you give that look to me, I better look back carefully ‘cause this is trouble.

Ruin the Friendship by Demi Lovato

You’re only brave in the moonlight, so why don’t you stay ‘till sunrise? 

Domino by Jesse J

Now I’m breathing like I’m running ‘cause you’re taking me there. 

nasty by Ariana Grande

No more playin' safe, let's take it all the way.

[greenbeansartgallery]

Miracle of Chu Chapter 1: The Rise of the Indigo and Purple

Sig finds the Peacock Miraculous and makes a bug friend, things go downhill from there and a Moth heroine is born. AU: @greenysoliatre and @camirazone

Sig let out a yawn. This has been a tiring day and all he did was look to see if there's any new bugs he can find, being the season of summer with the cold being away bugs will come out and play but so far he had very little success.

Before he could call it a day and take a break, a shine of blue stopped him in these tracks.

Coming from his bug catcher net..

Wait, when did that get on his net?

To his disappointment, it was not a bug but a blue broach shaped like five segments of peacock feathers and a black teardrop at the bottom centre.

But at least it looked cool, it was blue and Sig liked the colour blue as it was the colour of the sky and the ocean. With no second of hesitation, he puts it on after taking it out and is met with a bright blue light causing him to shut his eyes to prevent them from being blinded.

As it subsided, a high pitched voice chimed "Hello~!"

Eyes now opened, floating before Sig was a deep blue creature resembling a peacock looking at him with a curious smile.

"Are you the one who found me?"

"Uhh.. I guess I did." The only response he can think of at this point.

Meanwhile in Primp Magic School, class was starting and everyone was present apart from one.

"Umm.. where's Sig?" Lidelle piped up as she took notice there was no sign of him anywhere. It really didn't take a detective to know where he went as everyone knew the answer.

"He's probably still doing his bug hunting. Surely he'll be back..?" Amitie responded with her hopes up. Sig has gotten a bit better keeping track of time, what's wrong with being a little late?

"Maybe one of us should go get him?" Carmen asked. "It's possible he might have fell asleep."

"Don't bother wasting your time, if he's absent from class, that's on him." Klug scoffed as he paid no attention to the disapproving scowl from the others.

Raffina found herself pulling a face at the notion that she does agree with his point.

"Maybe after school one of us could check up on him in case~" The gentle giant known as Tarutaru suggested but before anyone can reply, their one and only teacher Professor Accord arrives

"Hello, children, I hope you enjoyed your break because we have a pop quiz coming up." She greeted as she does an attendance count, everyone was here apart from Sig. Oh dear, she hoped he was alright. Marking him off as absent, Accord made a mental note to speak to him first thing tomorrow if he does make it. "Now time for the pop quiz~"

Back to Sig who couldn't really understand the little bird thing who introduced himself as the Kwa.. me? Kwami of Emotion, Duusu as the name of the bird was trying to tell him as they were panicking kind of like Amitie really when she stresses out. "There's something gone amiss and I really need your help, Sig! Please this is urgent!"

"What's gone a miss though?" All Sig could respond as this sounded too vague for him to understand.

"That's what I'm trying to find out but I can't do this alone, please help!"

"Okay, but how?"

Duusu then proceeded to go on ramble: "Well as I said before I am the Kwami of Emotion. I bestow powers to whoever wears my pin and turn them into a peacock themed superhero! The said power is to manifest people's emotions into creatures known as Sentimonsters."

Senti.. monsters? Sig suddenly became intrigued. "So I could make any creature as long as it's based on people's feelings? Even mine?"

"Yes, yes! But now's not the time! We need to start!" The Kwami of Emotion says flapping their arms frantically. "In order to transform, you just need to say "Duusu, Spread my feathers!" and if you want to detransform you say "Fall my feathers." Can you do that for me?"

Sig still confused as ever decided to go with what he has been given. "Okay.. uhhh..."

May as well give it a shot. "Duusu, spread my feathers, I guess."

And just like that the magic of the Miraculous began to do it's work as Duusu disappeared into the peacock pin and Sig felt an odd power surge through him. It felt great but at the same time so strange. In a sudden flash, he took a look at a nearby pond to see that his hair changed into midnight as his usual outfit transformed into a dark indigo jumpsuit with a blue tailcoat adorned with light magenta buttons and a five pointed tail resembling that of a peacock and dark blue gloves. The hood over his head having a feather straps with a magenta center on each side with three blue feathers. His blue and green running shoes were now high boots, the skin also dull indigo and finally his mismatches eyes came in two different shades of magenta.

With all this blue he's wearing the only superhero name he can think of is Sapphirus like his spell Sapphire.

He wasn't sure how to feel about this new look nor on what to do next. A hand fan that somehow appeared in his hands started glowing, more specifically the feathers on the fan did, giving him a hint on what to do. So on instinct, he plucks a feather.

With a clenched hand, the feeling of confusion turns the feather into blue and flings itself onto the butterfly net.

A dark blob appears taking the shape of an oddly shaped beetle three times his height. Sig couldn't help but take a moment to cheer as he made a new bug friend but the celebration was cut short as the beetle charges at him. On instinct he dodges out of the way and watches his new found bug friend running around the Nahe Woods prompting Sapphirus to give chase, leaving behind the net in the process.

"Wait, bug friend! Come back!" He called out hand reached out as he ran after his first creation. By the time he caught up the large beetle was ready to change at him again.

How can he make it stop?

Maybe a Puyo battle could calm it down-

Wait.. what's that beeping sound?

And suddenly in a flash, Sapphirus' form was reverted back into Sig who only had a second to react and catch the exhausted Duusu in his hands.

Wait what just happened?

"Ah, Sig! Incoming!!" The Kwami screamed as beetle charged causing the bug enthusiast to dodge the attack barely as he ended up flopping on the ground, Duusu encased on his hands in front of his head safely. Having the sudden lack of energy to get up, all Sig could do was watch as the beetle went on its way.

"Oh right, your Miraculous has a timer of five minutes anytime you use your powers and it turns you back after it hits zero.. oops." Duusu says sheepishly, slightly as they turn around to see that their holder isn't getting up.

"Coulda told me this sooner..." Sig drawled as the feeling of sleep takes over and the last thing he heard was his new friend crying out in confusion as he began to pass out.

Somewhere the town square of the resident shop where you can buy almost anything at your convenience run by the one and only Oshare Bones, the dapper skeleton, the door bell chimes indicating a customer has arrived. "Hello, Mr. Oshare!"

Hello, Carmen~!" Oshare Bones greeted as Carmen walked in to take a look at what she was looking to buy. "Just came back from school?"

"Hmm mmm, we had a pop quiz." She looked around the shop to see anything she could buy.

A couple of flower seed packs were a must have on her mental list. Mama mentioned she needed some to grow more Tulips as they were getting sold fast. Also some Hibiscus flowers sound nice to grow, it's the season after all.

After a few minutes of deciding what she wants, she places her would be purchases on the counter and gets ready to pay.

Before the platinum blonde knew it, her eyes caught a glimmer belonging to a small deep purple broach with a silver lining resembling a butterfly of some sort in a plain black wooden box sitting by the counter.

It was memorising as if it was calling out to her. "Oh hoo! Found something else to purchase as well? Carmen?"

Carmen snapped out of her trance and looked at the shop keeper and points at the broach.

"Oh that's just a broach I found while I was on a stroll, I thought it looked cool at first but it looked so UGLY when I brought it in so may as well put it up for sale."

For only a couple of silver coins? Aren't jewellery usually a bit more expensive than that? Carmen wanted to say aloud but choose to say something else. "Could I buy it then?"

"Buy all means, you're doing me a favour getting rid of the drab. That would be two silver coins."

And just like that Carmen handed the coins in favour of the butterfly looking jewellery with a thank you and took off. Oshare was kind enough to call her back in for the other items make her purchase to her relief and embarrassment.

While making her way back home, she couldn't help but stare at the box with fascination, it wasn't everyday Carmen would make such an impulsive purchase as she did, as she was taught better than that by her mothers, the importance of planning on what to buy, difference between a want and a need though a bit of self indulgence didn't hurt but it was rather fortunate it costed her a couple of silver coins.

What isn't fortunate however is that the lack of attention towards her surroundings had the winged student bumping into something causing her to stumble back, nearly dropping the box in the process and bringing her back to reality.

"Sorry-!" She began to apologise looking up and sees a rather shiny looking surface.. odd. She could see her reflection on there, kind of.. Taking a second to pat the surface with her hand, it felt smooth now where did she see and felt this before..?

Steps back and eyes went wide with astonishment, a giant sized beetle?! In the town square?! And why does she feel like she's in danger all of a sudden?

The massive beetle began to move causing her to jolt and make a dash for it only for the creature come at her with a charge with an alarming speed causing her to let out a scream in terror as she tries to outrun it but alas she throws herself to the floor to dodge it. Getting up with her heart feeling like it was burst out of her ribcage, Carmen sits up to see the beetle running around the square, she wasted no time running back home before it sees her, opening the door and shutting with a loud slam slipping to the floor with her back pressed again the door and hand clutching the box to her chest, gasping to regain her breath.

Thankfully Mama was there to see her though it took a while for the girl to explain as she went nonverbal and needed to calm down, eventually telling her mother about this large beetle attacking the town square, Carmen was advised to stay home until it's sorted out. Fleeing to her room, she plops on her bed to bury her face into the soft pillows for a second before looking at the broach one last time, as she opens the box once more and suddenly the broach began to shimmer and a small orb of purple light appeared out of it causing her to reel back into her pillows flinch at the sudden brightness as she watches the ball of light manifest into a small lavender creature with butterfly wings that have a long tail with a tip at the end of each lower wing and large dark purple eyes with a swirl of the matching colour on his forehead.

Doing a small polite bow, the creature begins to speak. "Hello, my name is Nooroo, the Kwami of Transmission. I know this must be overwhelming for you since we just met but I need your help!"

Carmen stay sunk into the pillows gasp and covering her mouth with surprise and adoration. He looked adorable! Wait.. what? Looking around a flock of glowing white butterflies made their acquaintance in her room, did they come from Nooroo?

She sits up properly and flaps her hands as Nooroo continued to ramble. "Wait, wait please slow down! What is it you need my help with?"

"Ah, sorry! It's just that it's very urgent. A great threat is here in Primp and it needs to be stopped before it could get worse. The Miraculous you're holding grants you the power to transform into a superhero."

"The miraculous.. the broach?"

Nooroo nods patiently as he watches Carmen take the time to process what he's saying to her and make a decision.

She stares at him before looking at the broach. A threat in Primp..? It had to be the large beetle creature that's attacking the town square maybe she can use the miraculous to stop it. But.. Did she really deserve the right to be called a superhero? After all she did buy the miraculous instead of earning it. She looked down away from the broach upon thinking about it.

But Nooroo needs her help. She'll just have to put in the hard work to make up for that, looking back at the miraculous then clutching it with eyes back at the lilac kwami, eyes hardened with resolve. "I'll do it, what should I do?"

Nooroo beams with delight at this and answers all of the questions she had in great gusto. Putting on the miraculous and standing up away from her bed, Carmen learns that she can create butterflies that can allow her to choose a champion to bestow a superpower onto based on their emotional state to aid her in combat and in order to transform she just needs to say;

"Nooroo, Wings Rise!"

She felt such power coursing through her as the glowing butterflies danced around her with purple light and Nooroo disappearing into the Miraculous. Carmen took a moment to look at the new change of appearance. A dark purple and indigo dress with the skirt resembling that of a butterfly wings and the fluffy top and collar kind of like a moth. The legs being indigo and periwinkle with purple heeled boots and matching gloves that reach up to near her shoulders. Her ponytail was now split into two braids and a large purple fancy hat with two feathers can be felt on her head and course a mask on her face.

Her wings feels different as well.. turning her head to see, what was once sparrow wings now turned into that of a butterfly or a moth, it was hard to see really. Nooroo mentioned having a superhero name. She sits down to think of one, it had to be good. Something memorable, something that feels right..

Butterfly and moth.. Sig some time ago mentioned an order of butterflies and moths but the name escapes her.. Taking a moment to find the notebook dedicated to his bug ramblings which the platinum blonde took a moment to look for, she searched to see if she still had that information written down.

Aha! There it is! She smiles with satisfaction. Lepidoptera.

She will be called Lepidoptera henceforth.

[actualbird]

First of all! Hello, Hello!!! Hope you're doing well!

Regarding your - Artem has the oldest daughter vibes - post. HE'S TRANS YOUR HONOUR!!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! 😂❤️

But in all seriousness, I gave it some thought and out of all of them, Artem being trans would make the most sense? Just the way he is as a person? You know? *Vaguely gestures with my hands*. One thing that stood out to me was how touched starved and touch averse he seemed? I know it's contradictory but as much as I remember, he was always hesitant to touch Rosa and would be an absolute mess when touched by her?

So what if, it's because he doesn't want to make others uncomfortable with his touch, especially if it's a woman? (And especially if he likes that woman). Because he was made uncomfortable by others, in this case mostly men, when he was younger? I've noticed that most men are far more likely to just casually touch women? Even if the touch isn't sexual/romantic in nature? Like a brush of a hand here, holding a woman's waist while you're passing her in a tight space? Like, you wouldn't do that to a man, so... Artem is just very aware? Like, aware too much, to a point where he can never relax among others?

I might be projecting too much! So please ignore this if you don't agree! It's just something I noticed! Me and my trans friend, we talked about something similar recently - noticed that he would be a bit hesitant to be more physically affectionate with me and we had a long conversation about it!

And... I haven't touched the game in about half a year! 😅 I still love the game! I just "play" it vicariously through you! 😂 So there might have been more things revealed about Artem I'm not aware of!

Please take care! ❤️

- The Hibiscus anon! 🌺 I'M NOT DEAD! 😂

irt despite being a man, artem is eldest daughter all girls catholic school student vibes

oh my gosh, HIBISCUS!! HI HI :DDD!! it's awesome to hear from u again and i hope ur doing well!!!

while i am in no way an artem expert (thats sam) and am pretty behind on his cards, i still shake ur hand so much cuz UR SO RIGHT.

like, listen. at this point ive got a schrondinger's headcanon where certain members of the nxx team or the ENTIRE team is simultaneously not trans or definitely trans/experiencing gender in a non-cis way. yes they are. all the time. but only when it sparks joy in me. also all the time. do u understand, i understand. still, i deffo understand and adore why artem also gives of trans vibes.

like, so much of artem's extreme carefulness with matters of the heart or even just matters of relating to other people personally, the fact that he goes about this in a meticulous and often overthinking manner because he hasnt done it/gotten the chance to experience it much before is something that resonates a lot with a bunch of queer identities. the fact that he holds a lot of himself and his personality/interests close and not many people know him on a personal level, that also resonates with queer experiences. the fact that certain things that are "obvious" to other people are things that are not as obvious to him, also queer (and also also something i like to interpret as a neurodivergent trait, but thats a whole other ask response). hell, even the notion that artem is doing things "later" than is usually expected (like romance).

all of these things (which i guess can be mushed into the over-arching statement of "over-thinking because we didnt experience the world on the usual timeline many other people experience and thus we have to be extra careful to avoid failure") fit well with a BUNCH of queer experiences, methinks

(source: me. cuz im queer and i like artem)

additionally, i got reminded of this awesome response mariuscomehome wrote about artem viewed from a lesbian lens. i DEFINITELY recommend u read it!!!

//smacks artem like a car im selling. THIS GUY CAN FIT SO MUCH QUEERNESS INTO HIM!!!!!

i think i went off on a tangent here but yeah. ur so right. artem trans vibes too, whether it be for fitting theme/characterization reasons or just cuz headcanons are fun as hell anyway :'D

[icharchivist]

I've been wanting to watch Everything all at once but it has a Mature rating and I'm worried about watching it with family. Is the rating for things of sexual nature or some other reason?

oh dear.

EEAAO is truly a fantastic movie and i definitely recommend it, it's a real experience, and its themes are really poignant in ways i think a whole family could resonate with (if they're the type to engage with themes and not go into it passively)

(also, while it's not a warning in my book and doesn't apply as sexual nature, in case this warning applies regarding your parents, there are gay characters in the story who's relationships are often being discussed. Advise in term your parents are the type of people who would make it unsafe to watch with).

but, as for the rating it is because of general fighting violence/blood, and indeed, some visual jokes of sexual nature that could be very awkward to watch with parents especially if they're really "i don't want my child to see anything about sex exist" type of parents.

If you're really worried about your parents's reacting to the sexual jokes, you might want to watch it at your own discretion first, if at all depending on how you personally feel about it.

I'll say there's no really explicit nudity nor explicit sound if that can help you?

One of the jokes takes a full scene to be showed though and might be really uncomfortable to watch depending on the family's tolerance of it all. Other than that the remaining couple of jokes are rather anecdotical, though not really ignorable either.

Under the cut i'll just add an as-vague-as-possible notion of the jokes to expect, in the hope it's vague enough that it doesn't provoke an explicit imagery nor give away what's exactly happening, but if the fact the jokes are of sexual nature themselves is already a hard limit for you, feel free to not look under the read more.

In my personal opinion, i'd say if you're an older teen (like, above 15) you'd probably be okay with it on a personal level (it feels like jokes teenagers would vibe with imo, or at least, was so back in my days (but also i'm not american so idk how indicative it is considering the culture gap)), but if you're parents are really stuck up about sex it will probably come out as very awkward (at best) to watch with them.

It really depends on the type of parents and their exact level of tolerance to sexual content imo but i would perhaps recommend you to watch it with friends instead if you can afford to, and then advise with how you'd feel your parents would react to it.

If anything, i hope you don't feel too obligated about it, and i hope that it doesn't scare you off too much as it's probably like. 5 to 10 mins of a 2 hours long beautiful movie. But i know that parents can be strict about it or that some people, esp when you're young, may really have a revulsion to this content even being in it at all, so it's the best i can do as far as warning goes.

I hope it works out for you though nonny! Take care!

And so just to the clarification:

On a slight detail, there are a couple visual jokes that involves fighting with dildos and with the longest scene revolving about using the dildo in its intended destination for the fight to occur, with the grittiest detail being slightly censored but still rather made clear on screen how it's being used.

And another, rather quick but still There visual joke involving a Dominatrix doing dominatrix things (the individuals are fully dressed but the kink is explicit on the screen)

i don't remember anyone making any weird sounds during those scenes if it helps figuring if the scenes can pass as "soft" to you.

Hope it helps! take care!

[sebstanseabass]

Afterglow (A Bucky Barnes AU fan fiction) - Chapter 11

Afterglow chapters

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

A/N: I am not from the US and I've only been in New York once when I was a kid (I don't remember much lol I was six, I think), so I apologize if some of the places are inaccurate but I tried my very best to do my own research. Anyway, this is one of my favorite chapters I've written and I hope you guys enjoy it as well!

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The first whisper of the Monday air, brushed among the streets of the Upper West Side as you and Bucky decided to grab your running shoes and spend this day outside in the open air, hoping to burn all the calories you consumed last night. With a bottle of water in both your hands, you reached Central Park, catching your breaths. With sweat dripping down your forehead to your eyes, you saw a vacant bench and took the liberty to sit on it with Bucky behind you.

"Do you," Bucky sat beside you, panting and squinting his eyes and shaking off the sweat on his face, "do you run everyday?"

"Not everyday." You chuckled, taking a sip of water. "Four times a week."

"Why do you even like running? I feel like I'm in hell." He sighed, resting his neck on the brace. His breathing was restless and uneven but soon calmed down after a few moments.

"It takes my mind off things. I got a lot going on up here, y'know." You replied with much honesty. "Other people do it to keep in shape but I do it because I need it."

"I've never considered running. I just go to the gym and lift weights. Well, I have my own gym but if I'm being honest with you, I've been slacking off since the day I got here in New York."

You smiled and lifted your eyes to look at him. His face was glistening under the bright morning sun.

"Maybe it's a good thing we ran today." You nudged his shoulder with yours, his sweat-drenched skin rubbing up against your own. "You should run more. The more you do, the less you'll hate it. Trust me."

"You know what, as long as I'm with you, I will." He chuckled. "Ain't running with anybody else but you, doll."

There was a warm sensation moving up towards your cheeks. You didn't know if it was the heat of the sun or the warm blood rushing in but either way, you just knew that a pink flourish was becoming visible on your cheeks.

During that moment all you could muster was: "S-sure."

You hid your face by facing the opposite of Bucky and looked at the crowd that Central Park held. There, across the field lay a dozen picnic blankets on the bright green grass where a bunch of families and couples were reading, eating and talking audibly. Some were sitting underneath the tree for some shade. Some were walking their dogs on a leash and a poop bag ready on hand. Some were tourists with heavy backpacks just walking around. The chirping birds soaring in the air grabbed my attention, making you look up at the sky in which the bright sun hurt your eyes. You closed your eyes after that, trying to regain most of your vision. Once you did, you opened your phone and checked if Peter had left any messages. Unfortunately, there weren't any.

Peter was very vague about where his corporate retreat was, sticking to his notion that in order for him to take his mind off things, he also needed to be away from his real world, whatever that meant.

You sighed, texting Peter anyway, telling him everything was fine and that Bucky had been with you ever since he went away. You asked him how he was and hoped that everything was fine and well, and that he was enjoying his corporate retreat.

"Hey, let me take you somewhere nice today." Bucky said while tapping your sweaty shoulder, making you look up from your phone.

"Why? Where are we going?"

Bucky stood up, typing on his phone and looking around the park. "Wherever my car takes us. I figured since the bar doesn't open on Monday, you and I could do something fun that'll help you relax. Come on, you can go shower in my penthouse. I already have clothes sorted out for you in the guest room."

Your mind was still processing the part where he said that you could go shower in his penthouse.

Confused, you asked. "Wait, now?"

"Yes. Now, get up on your feet. My car's waiting on the road."

He didn't give you much time to comprehend his words, and respond, as he grabbed your hand, pulled you up from the bench. And as you ran, hand in hand, amidst the crowd, there it was again, that after feeling of spontaneity, fleeting; that same feeling you couldn't seem to explain really well — that same feeling you were wishing to avoid.

You and Bucky jogged towards the streets where a black and white Maserati with fully tinted windows was waiting on the side of the street. You thanked Bucky as he opened the door for you. He gave you a cheeky smile in response then hopped in beside you, introducing you to the driver named Howard. Howard nodded his head and smiled at you through the rearview mirror.

Once the car revved forward, you shifted uncomfortably in your seat, weary that your sweat was getting all over the expensive leathered seats of Bucky's car. You moved a bit forward in an oh-so-subtle movement, pushing your body against the strap of the seatbelt across your chest and did your best as you could to avoid sweating all over the seats. With one strong swift move, Bucky pulled your arm back, throwing your back against the seat and told you to relax.

You greeted Leonard with a smile and a wave once you arrived in White Wolf. You and Bucky exchanged some small conversation in the elevator which led right into the penthouse, something about the last time you were here. You both laughed at the memory as you teased him about it.

The penthouse didn't change as much the last time you were here; the only difference was there was no woman with little to no clothing waiting for Bucky to arrive. You looked towards the huge glass windows, your lips curved downward as you were hoping to get a good view of New York that was hiding behind the draped curtains. Bucky led the way towards the guest room in a well-lit hallway on the second floor. You walked under little chandeliers hanging from above. On the walls were duplicate Van Gogh paintings, and framed photographs of nature that blended well with the color scheme of the paintings, as well as the penthouse.

"I picked out some clothes for you that I thought you might like and had my assistant bring them over here." Bucky said, opening the door.

Feeling a bit guilty, you said: "Bucky, you didn't have to."

"I insist. Besides, I'm in charge of you for the whole week." He smiled, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed.

You playfully rolled your eyes. "I told you, I can take care of myself."

"I'm older than you so you do what I tell you." He just dismissed your remark, and added: "Now go shower. I'll meet you downstairs for some brunch."

With that, Bucky closed the door behind him, leaving you in a state of awe as you looked around the guest room which was twice as big as your room. It was like a duplicate of the living room but smaller, and with a king-sized bed in the middle on the far back with clothes and some towels draped along the edge. A telescope stands near the glass walls. Beside it sits two dainty cushioned chairs, and a miniature coffee table. There was a flat screen 32-inch television facing the bed.

You walked near the curtains, slithered your finger between the noticeable gap and took a small peek outside.

You stepped into the insides of the bathroom which was near the size of your room. Everything felt so unfamiliar to you but you bathed everything in and relaxed as soon as the small prickle of the cold shower water hit the soft spots of your body.

You got out of the guest room, feeling fresh from the cold shower. You wore some cropped halter top, heathered trousers and slipped on some fuzzy slippers that were quite big for your size, even though your feet were already big. You quickly assumed it was Bucky's.

"Did you, by any chance, get me some shoes too?" You joked as you approached the kitchen, eyeing the bagels on a big plate on the rectangular island in the center. You hopped on one of the high stools, grabbed one and smeared cream cheese on it. "Just kidding, I love these fuzzy slippers."

Bucky's back was facing you, busy flipping some pancakes on the stove. "You're not wearing that outside. And yes, I do have some but they're mostly Peter's. Don't worry he hasn't used them yet."

"That's alright. We're the same size."

Bucky turned around, a big pan on his right hand. He approached you and flipped a pancake on top of a tower of pancakes on a plate.

"You like the clothes I picked out for you?" He asked and sat down on the high stool.

"Yes, thank you. But seriously, you didn't have to."

"Okay, so let me get this straight... You let me pay for food and alcohol but not clothes?"

You laughed. "It's a different thing! Those were cheap, these," you touched the fabric of your shirt and trousers, "are obviously expensive. They don't have that thrift smell my clothes have. And besides, I need food but not clothes so you paying for my food was a big win for me."

Now, it was his turn to laugh, shoving a piece of pancake into his mouth. "Okay from now on, all I should hear from you when I give you stuff is thank you."

"But... why?"

"Because social convention dictates us to."

"I know, but, why are you giving me stuff?"

"How else am I going to keep you around?" He winked as he continued to chew.

"Bucky." You warned.

"Okay, okay." He chuckled. "The thing to know about me is I love spoiling people — people that I trust and I'm obviously comfortable around you."

Not knowing any other way to answer, you just said: "Oh, well... Thank you."

"And of course, the thing I said before too." He laughed and you threw a bagel at him in response.

You and Bucky enjoyed your little brunch while planning the day ahead of you: go around Fifth Street, and perhaps Broadway, maybe go to the Chelsea market and as Bucky said: "Just go wherever our feet take us!"

Once both of you were done, you headed down White Wolf, with Bucky's Maserati waiting in front. You greeted Howard as you climbed in.

"You know what would be nice?" You started once the car moved forward. "Capturing people's moments in a crowded street." You said, picturing Fifth Street in your head.

"Oh, that's right." Bucky replied. "Here." With his large hand, he handed you a camera. But it wasn't just any camera. It was yours.

"Wait, is this my camera?" You asked, taking it from him. He nodded in response. "Bucky, what the hell, you went through my stuff?"

"Not me. Howard."

"Howard?!"

"Don't worry, miss," Howard spoke, glancing through the rearview mirror where you saw your own reflection, "I didn't take anything else and put everything back in place. I just did what Mr. Barnes told me to do."

"James." You scolded.

"What are you James-ing me for?" He said, leaning against the seat, clearly stifling a laugh. "He's the one who went through your stuff!"

"You are such a child." You rolled your eyes. "You're the one who told him to."

"You heard him, he didn't take anything else."

"Next time you pull something like this, you ought to let me know okay?"

He lifted his eyes to look at you, teeth biting his inner cheek, a smile wanting to reveal itself. "Okay."

You sighed but you also couldn't help but smile at your camera. It had been a long time since you've operated it as you have been so busy in the bar and hadn't had clients for a while now. You closed it immediately, seeing as the battery was just at fifty percent.

You and Bucky got out of the vehicle as soon as Howard reached Fifth street and entered the Lacoste building with no rush. You held your camera close to your chest, the strap feeling a bit heavier on the back of your neck as the hours passed but the weight of pleasure of taking photos of the street from the inside of the glass windows overwhelmed that.

All the stores looked so unfamiliar to you. The stores you usually go to had dimly-lit rooms with low ceilings, and instead of tiled floors and walls, they had chipped to almost rotten wood walls. The smell of new clothes in these designer stores filled your lungs, the bright incandescent lights nearly caused blindness to your eyes, the amount of men and women dressed in suits, stockings, and skirts were nothing you had ever seen before, designer clothes were hanging on racks color-codedly, or by season, or by new and old collection, the eyes of the security guards in each entrance lurked from miles away until you get inside the store, and today, you have seen Bucky's sleek, black credit card get swiped into the little machines a hundred times. He bought some clothes for himself, and Peter, whom he actually promised to.

Bucky even handed you some clothes, told you to put them on and when they did fit you, he immediately went towards the counter.

Feeling as if everything was too much, you refused but all he said was:

"From now on, when I buy you things all you have to say is thank you."

Overpowered, you just nodded and said exactly what he wanted you to say: "Thank you." And as hours passed more shopping bags were in my bags (yes, you insisted to carry what he had bought you, and when he refused, you gave him back his words, a little taste of his own medicine: "From now on, when you buy me things all you have to do is let me carry them.")

"Ah, throwing my words back to me. I see."

As you walked around a whole lot more, side by side, exposed elbows and lonely fingers constantly brushing against each other, you talked about things you both loved. Nothing about Bucky's hotel business, nothing about the bar, just the things in life which made you both happy — photographs, paintings, and everything about art. He saw the world through yours. You were just beginning to see his but the details weren't enough for you. You craved more of what was in his mind and in his life — no, not the business, parties, booze and all that.

But the things that separate him from that world, and the things he grew up with before that.

A lot of questions swarmed in your head, trying to think of ways to ask them but Bucky merely insisted on knowing you. All of you. But just like him, you too had your guards up, especially around your family issues.

Then you reached Chelsea market. You didn't know how but you did. You spotted Bucky's car parked on one street and told you to leave all the things he had bought inside. After saying your goodbye to Howard who, afterwards, drove towards the bumper-to-bumper traffic in Manhattan, you and Bucky headed to wherever your feet you. You were feeling a ton lighter without the shopping bags dragging your hands and you could now freely touch and open your camera.

Bucky, with a Grande Starbucks cup in one hand, looked around with a big smile planted on his face. You walked around, seeing the art district of New York through your lenses. You grabbed Bucky's attention by calling his name and when he turned around, you snapped a shot of him. Eyes wide. Brows furrowed together. Lips in a state of bafflement.

"Hey, delete that!" He protested.

You laughed, turning your body in the opposite direction. "No way! It's a good picture!"

"No, it's not!"

You kept on laughing, mumbling a bunch of "sorry"s and "excuse me"s along the way, the camera still shoved in your face.

Your lens caught a familiar name from afar, printed in neon red: Wanda. You stood there in the middle of the crowd, leaving Bucky to wonder what had happened.

"Let's go there." You said, making your way across the street where it was.

"Where?"

"Just follow me."

Bucky held no questions no more as your feet treaded towards the building of Wanda's studio. Once you reached it, you merely stood meters away from it, looking at the sign.

"Wandavision." You mumbled under your breath then bit your inner cheek afterwards, contemplating if you should go in and say hi but that didn't matter anymore because standing behind the tall glass windows was Wanda herself.

Again, she gave you that oh-so-sweet smile of hers, long red locks cascading down her shoulder as she walked towards the door. You gestured to Bucky to come with you, no questions asked.

"Y/n!" Wanda exclaimed, wrapping her arms around you as you and Bucky entered the building. "Oh, it's so good to see you."

"You too, Wanda."

"And who's this dapper man of yours?"

Beside you, Bucky's body vibrated, a chuckle coming out of his mouth as he offered his hand. "I'm Bucky Barnes. Nice to meet you."

Wanda shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, too." She gave you a knowing smile, taunting you, but you dismissed her assumptions by shaking your head no, and then she pouted.

Wanda led you further down her large, wide studio, giving us a tour.

"I'm quite surprised you came by, Y/n."

"We were just walking around the market and saw your studio." You replied. "Wanda, what you have here is... so beautiful."

"Thank you. I really appreciate that. I've wanted this since I was a little girl. It's always been the dream."

The inside was bright, with fair white walls, floor and ceiling, and smelled of fresh lavender. On one corner, it smelled of fabrics, make-up, and hairspray. Framed photos of Wanda hung on the walls. There was a dressing area on a corner, and a comfortable couch, perhaps, for visitors as well as the models. A mini kitchen stood in the far back. On top of the cute marbled island was a coffee maker, and a mini fridge. There was one room solely for the post-production process, her main office. A giant paper backdrop had taken a huge space on the floor. Around it were different kinds of large lights, tripods, chairs and other expensive equipment for photography.

She had it all. Everything you've pictured yourself having.

Wanda had it all.

"You've come at the right time. There's not much going on today but I have tons of clients coming for the next few days but really, feel free to come by anytime you want."

"I will, thank you."

Howard picked you right up outside Wandavision. The whole ride was filled with uncomfortable silence.

"Your friend's really nice." Bucky said, trying to clear the atmosphere. "She's a bit too chatty for me but she's nice."

"Yeah." You answered, your head pressed against the window. "Really nice."

"Are you okay, doll?"

You hummed. "I am. Just a bit tired s'all."

"Listen, I just have to head to the White Wolf but Howard will drop you by the apartment, okay? The shopping bags are already there but you don't have to worry about them, I'll take care of them as soon as I get back. Just take a rest, okay? Maybe a short nap. I'll grab you dinner on the way. How does that sound?"

Tired to even tell him you didn't need to babied, you just said: "Okay. Thank you, Bucky."

You did as Bucky told you to. You ignored the bags sitting on the couch, placed your camera on your nightstand and took a damn nap. When you woke up, instead of feeling better, you felt sick to your stomach. Your phone lit up, a message from Bucky displayed on the screen:

"Sorry for the delay. I'm currently stuck in traffic. I'll see you in 20."

You sighed and with an empty stomach, and an occupied mind, you put on your jacket, anticipating a cold rush, grabbed your keys to the bar and headed down. You went straight behind the counter, jumped over it and found an unopened vodka.

You drank the vodka, drank all your troubles away and as you sat there on the floor, weeping, the place you worked at felt too much familiar to you. So much so that you began to hate it and to hate the kind of life you had been living. Who were you fucking kidding? No, you didn't like juggling two jobs. It sucked. Even though it had been giving you the ability to pay half of the rent, it still sucked.

This wasn't what you wanted.

A few moments have passed. You were already on your second bottle. There was a sound coming from the back which began to startle you. A certain Steve emerged from his office, a look of concern evident on his face.

"Stevieeee!" You stood up, well, tried to anyway. "You're here!"

"Y/n, what the hell." He took you in his big muscular arms, his one hand carefully yanking the bottle of vodka on your hand and placing it on the counter. "You're drunk. You should go home. Where's Peter?"

"He's away. He left. Wait, why are you here?"

"I just had to take care of some things."

"Is Nat back there with you? It's okay, shh, shh, I know about you too."

"Oh, God. Did she tell you?"

"Puh-lease! You imprinted your scent on her like a werewolf."

He just sighed. "Let's get you to your apartment."

"Don't worry, Stevie, I won't tell. Hey, call Bucky. Grab my phone. It's on my ass." You giggled and then hiccuped. He carefully grabbed your phone from your back pocket, let you enter my password which took forever, and then called Bucky.

"He'll be here in a minute or two." Steve said, sliding your phone back in your pocket. "Let's get you seated, alright?"

He sat you in one of the booths. "I'll get you some water, okay?"

You didn't respond. Your eyes were fixated on the photos on the wall. With your breath rapidly increasing, you stood by your knees, and grabbed as many photos as you could. Steve slid in the booth with you, handing you a glass of water. You took a small sip, avoiding his eyes.

"What happened, y/n?"

You didn't give him an answer to his question and just downed the water. But you did ask him something. "Why'd you buy my photos, Steve? Is it because you pitied me that day?"

"What? No, I truly believe you have amazing photos."

"But what?"

"What?"

"There's always a but. What is it, Steve?"

"But nothing, y/n."

"Liar." You muttered. "You're a liar."

"Look, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

"I don't need help. I'm not a child!"

"You clearly are, especially when you're behaving like one. You come in here, drink an expensive bottle of whiskey, cry on the floor and ask me a bunch of ridiculous things. It's okay to ask for help sometimes."

"I'll pay for the bottle if that's what you're asking."

"No, I don't care about that. I care about what's going on with you right now because this isn't you, y/n."

"Oh please, you don't. You just pity me! That's why you bought those two photos, that's why you let me put my photos up here in the bar. I'm no good, Steve! I'm no good."

"Y/n — "

Then, a door slammed, a running Bucky coming inside. "Hey, doll. I'm here. Hey, hey, what happened?"

"Let's just go, Bucky." You stood up beside Bucky who held your waist for balance.

"Thank you for calling me." Bucky told Steve.

"Just take her home safely."

"I live right upstairs." You groaned.

"And make sure she doesn't drink anymore or do anything stupid." Steve scolded, his eyes locked on yours.

Bucky held you all the way towards the outside of the bar, and guided you towards the steps that led to the sidewalk. A black limo was on the street. With the windows rolled down, Howard asked, "Is everything alright, Mr. Barnes?"

"Everything's okay, Howie. You can go back now."

"Wait!" You exclaimed, slipping away from Bucky's arms and headed towards the limo. "Howard, take us somewhere."

"Y/n, what are you doing?"

You didn't give him time to wait for an answer as you opened the door and climbed inside the spacious limo. Bucky climbed in, confused.

"Y/n, are you going to tell me what's going on?"

You gave no answer, instead, you gave Howard the address. "450 West 15th Street."

The ride was more silent and shorter. He tried offering you food he had bought but you kindly refused, dreading to get out of the limo. You held on to your photos so tight that marks, scratches and folds were visible even in the dark.

When you reached your destination, you quickly hopped out, with Bucky following you.

"What are we doing back here?"

You were standing in front of Wanda's studio, the red neon lights illuminating on the concrete street, giving a bit of life on this side of New York.

You sat down on the floor, against a big pot of plant, your eyes never leaving the sign. Bucky, still confused, followed suit anyway.

"You know, my parents told me I'd never make it here. The day I left my home to live here, they told me, 'you'll never amount to anything. You'll never have a good life in New York. You'll never make it as a photographer. That's not a real job.' And I told them I will make it that I'll work my ass off, blood, sweat, tears, I'll do anything to prove them wrong. But don't you just hate it when they're right? I left my family, lost my communication to my siblings for this ridiculous dream I've been chasing for years. Everything I've done here feels like nothing."

At this point, you didn't want to hear anything or anyone besides yourself. So you were more than glad to hear nothing from Bucky, and to feel his fingers interlaced with yours.

"Wanda and I met in college; a year younger than me. We shared a love for photography and arts. Then we kind of just lost touch after I graduated. And then I saw her a week ago. She looked so happy and so content and I could feel her pity on me, her eyes, her touch. It was the first time I felt so small and I didn't think I could feel smaller but then we went here. Everything I wanted for myself, the things I pictured myself having and doing... She's living it. She's out there and I'm not. And I really hoped that by now, I've proved my parents wrong but turns out they're right. They were right all along. I don't amount to anything. I'm nothing."

"Wandavision." You laughed bitterly. "Wanda's vision. That right there. That's fucking clever."

"Let's get you home, doll. Please?"

"I want to stay, Bucky."

"We'll talk when we get back. Please, y/n."

You didn't agree to anything but he lifted you up anyway, guiding you towards the limo which was still on the street.

The partition was up. Even though Howard was inside the limo as well, at that moment it was just you and Bucky.

So, you cried, like how the skies cried, in Bucky's arms. You wept for all the unpaid rent and debts, for the menial job that you ended up in, for your failed career as a photographer, for your selfish parents, for your isolation from your college friends, for your insecurities, for your dog that died when you left for college, for your former lover that abused you, for the books you left unread, for all the wrong choices, for all the money you wasted during your college days, for all the toxic people you've ever met, for all the alcohol stains you had to wipe for years, for all the food intake during your peak of stress in school, for the only cherries you tasted, for the drunk sex you've always regretted, for the drunk kiss with Peter you've always regretted, and for the incoming mistake you were about to do.

"Kiss me." You whispered, lifting your head from his chest. "Kiss me, Bucky."

He shook his head no. Your noses touched. "Why not?" Your breaths moved together.

"Because right now, you're a mess." He whispered. "You're very vulnerable and drunk. I can't."

"I'm giving you all the consent I need. Kiss me."

"Not like this, doll."

Instead of going for your dry lips, he placed his lips on your forehead, his mouth and breath lingering. "Not like this."

[ashes-in-a-jar]

The Princess Hold: a Jon, Martin and Also Martin Tale

@dathen​ asked and I'm attempting to deliver XD

Really wanted to do this anyway as a sort of writing exercise. I hope y'all like it!

.

.

The Wind whipped around him angrily as though the air was cross at being forced to move around. The hallways, doors, shifting carpets, tacky plants and all that was that maze of a hotel were folding into themselves, creating a void for the air to rush in. Jon barely managed to find his bearings eventually completely losing his footing as the floor beneath him gave way into nothing. Vaguely he thought he was lucky he was on the bottom floor and immediately realized it didn't matter because now he was midair and falling fast.

He hardly had time to think beyond the bitter notion that while time and space didn't function, gravity seemed to work just fine when impact occurred.

Only it was not what he was expecting.

That is, it wasn't jarring or painful as it should have been. It was soft and gentle and made a muffled 'oomph' noise.

Jon tried to catch his breath as he looked up. His mind immediately calmed at the sight. Martin. His lovely Martin, slightly rattled was looking down at him as his arms were somehow wrapped around him in an almost princess hold.

But not quite.

Because the way he landed, there was no way a mere princess hold could catch him so securely and steadily. And that's when Jon looked up to his other side.

There was Martin. Again. As disheveled and surprised as the first.

"Christ, Jon??"

Jon whipped his head around to the first Martin. Then back to the other one. Then back again.

"Um..."

His mind took a moment to finally let the information seep in as he Knew what he was seeing. Oh. Interesting. It did not make it any less bizarre for him though. While fully comprehending what was going on he suddenly realized his current situation and his face began heating up.

"O-oh Martin. G-good. Um, it’s good to see you... both." He really didn't know which way to look and being held the way he was was not helping.

Martin (and... Also Martin?) must have read the daze and astonishment on his face because despite their evident bewilderment they both chuckled and gently set him down between them in perfect synchronization. They did not step back.

"W-what happened? We just got here, there was a hotel and suddenly..." Martin said, still confused.

"Jon what did you do this time?" The other Martin chided fondly.

"I, um, I killed Helen." They were not backing away and it was very distracting.

"Oh." Said one.

"Why?" Said the other.

Jon couldn't keep up. He just had a whole building implode like a black hole around him and he was still trying to adjust to the sudden change from being immersed in distorted, dizzying patterns to being back in the gray, eye-full, monotone landscape that now surrounded him and his beloved(s). He could hear the rain not too far away.

It was disorientating how nice and warm he suddenly felt. From both his sides. Both Martins had put their arms around his waist and back to steady him and kept their hands there. Two arms more than Jon was used to. It was strange. It was nice. It was... What were they talking about?

"Uhh.. I-It's a long story. Ish. I-I'll explain later." There is no way he could concentrate enough to explain all of the convoluted manipulation games he and Helen played. Not now when there are two very distracting persons standing so near him.

One Martin sighed "And of course you couldn't wait until you were safe outside to make her disappear."

"No. I'm sorry."

"It's okay Jon, we're just glad you're okay." The second Martin was stroking his back in reassuring circular motions.

"Uhh... H-how was your domain?" This is getting ridiculous. He needed a way to differentiate between the two Martin's in his mind otherwise he will just become more confused. He settled on a simple Right-Martin and Left-Martin where they were positioned around him accordingly.

"Uh, as you can probably tell, it was a... An enlightening journey of self discovery." Right-Martin said, eyeing Left-Martin reflectively. "I... didn't realize I’m quite so… argumentative."

Despite himself Jon snorted while Left-Martin rolled his eyes "Well..."

Right-Martin tightened his grip on Jon's back "Oh, be quiet you."

"I was going to say it goes both ways." Left-Martin smirked. "We had some important things to discuss so the split just... happened. Sort of underwhelming compared to what we're assuming you just went through, to be honest."

"Yeah." Right-Martin agreed.

"Hmm" Jon hummed, letting himself lean into Right-Martin's arms. He was quite groggy and being surrounded like this did not help him regain his attentiveness. Left-Martin stepped forward to sandwich Jon even further and buried his face in Jon's tousled hair. Right-Martin sighed and brought his arms down to tighten around Jon's lower back. Jon's breath stuttered slightly.

"So... Helen's gone then." Right-Martin said quietly.

"Yes." Jon breathed.

"Time to mourn?" Left-Martin asked. He lowered one hand to catch Jon's. It was a bit awkward in this position but his hand felt warm and secure so Jon wasn't complaining.

"You can if you want..." He looked up from Right-Martin's chest to his face. "Do you? want to mourn?"

"A bit? I mean, she was our friend, sort of."

"No she wasn't and you know it" Left-Martin quipped, squeezing Jon's hand. "She was just pretending to be our friend. Probably thought she had something to gain from it. You know how the Distortion is."

"Yeah, I guess. But she was one of the only other people we met on our journey that we could actually talk to. That must count for something, hm?"

"Maybe. But Jon killed her and probably had a good reason to, no?"

"Yeah, you're probably right, as usual." Right-Martin conceded begrudgingly.

"Well, when I'm right you're right. I'm you." Left-Martin stated and then unprompted leaned forward and planted a kiss on the Archivist’s left cheek.

Jon, who was half listening to the back and forth banter while blissfully basking in all that was his wonderful boyfriend Martin, started. "Wha-"

"Hey!" Right-Martin exclaimed.

Left-Martin rolled his eyes again. "Come on, you know you want to. Look how lovely and adorable he is." He pecked Jon's cheek again. Jon’s face was at this point so warm he felt like a Desolation domain in the making.

"Fine, yeah I do." Right-Martin tentatively looked at Jon who stared back wide eyed and gently leaned to plant an identical kiss on his right cheek.

Jon was almost gone at this point. This was more overwhelming than the confusion the Distortion tried to enforce on him. He hugged Right-Martin back with one arm and squeezed Left-Martin hand where it held his. They stayed that way for another moment before Jon gently extracted himself from between them, attempting to regain some semblance of control. He coughed and moved to straighten his hopelessly disheveled clothes and hair.

He could feel Martin slowly returning to himself, the effect of his domain wearing off as Left-Martin began fading while drifting closer to Right-Martin with a wispy, floating quality about him.

Jon was a bit disappointed at that. But maybe it was for the best. He's not sure he'd be able to handle having two of his boyfriend, even in the long run. Especially in the long run.

"M-Martin. Um... That was... Interesting. Th-thank you for the kisses."

Left-Martin let out one final snort before he faded into Right-Martin and became just. Martin.

They looked at each other a moment longer, drinking in one another's sight with endless affection. Jon broke the silence.

"If you need a moment to adjust, to... to mourn, take your time. But not too long."

Martin sighed in mixed relief and melancholy as he felt the effects of the merge. He smiled at Jon gently and asked "Why the sudden rush?"

"See that over there?" Jon pointed to the grey horizon, dark shapes sticking out like strange twisted fingers. "That's London"

"Oh." Martin said in a hushed tone. He laced his fingers with Jon's as they stood there, taking in the view.

"This is it then. The final leg of the journey."

"Yes." Jon said. "Let's find out if my efforts to clear our path were actually worthwhile."

"Hmm?" Martin hummed, confused.

"I'll explain on the way. Come on let's go."

He smiled fondly, oh so fondly at Martin, squeezing his hand.

Martin smiled back, lifted the hand to kiss it and stepped forward.

Jon followed suit and hand in hand they walked away from their meeting point, towards the unknown fate ahead.

[funkymbtifiction]

This pandemic has brought out the worst in me. My sleeping schedule is a mess (I go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 2pm), I'm barely able to get out of the bed, I can barely do the dishes and take out the trash, I spend too much time on YouTube and inside my head, thinking about all the stuff I wanted to work on but being unable to do it.

My memory has also gotten worse - if it's not something I'm not obsessed with then I'll not remember the details. I was trying to snap myself out of this hazy floating by trying to focus my mind at least on reading, which is something I absolutely love, but now I'm unable to focus even on a plot I find interesting and intriguing, my mind immediately starts to wander, or I need to do at least 2 things at once (reading and checking Reddit, or reading and listening to some ambient music). I've also started to not finish stories where I once used to read a book a day.

I know the theory of what I should be doing, but that's it. I'm unable to JUST DO it. I think my Te is trying to motivate me by trying to wake up my conscience, but it's not enough. I hate this because I know I can do things and concentrate and be responsible and productive, but because I'm fine and all my basic needs are met I don't have the need to pull myself together. I used to fuel my 7 by travelling and observing people, but now that we need to stay home, and I have covid (so my friends bring me groceries), my 9w1 core sloth is all too happy to be left alone, with my devices.

I know that this pandemic brought pandemic fatigue with it, plus it's spring and I'm always tired in spring (plus my years-long medical issues with thick blood and low blood pressure), but it's driving me crazy that I could've gotten better at my hobbies and could've reached some of my goals by now only if I DID things. Things that used to work don't help anymore. And then I don't even stay mad long because some new video distracts me.

Is there something from a mbti perspective that can help to start doing things and concentrating on them? (For context I'm an ENFP 9w1 7w6 2w3)

Also thank you so much for this blog, thank you for helping lost souls find their way and be better people, both inside their head and outside when interacting with the outer world ❤️ I haven't been studying mbti for that long but so far I've seen so much valuable information on your blog, and for free!

Are you mad enough at yourself yet to change your behavior?

That's really the bottom line here, because you KNOW that YOU have to start being responsible and doing things and not just wasting your time... but YOU are the only person who will force yourself to do things.

A couple of thoughts. First, I recognize this phenomenon / brain fog. It happened to me several times last year during the pandemic (where I am, things are opening up, so hopefully they will soon for you as well) and I hated it. My mind was unclear, I had lots of things I needed to do but could not focus on any of them. It was, to be honest, a Si grip, which yanks you out of Ne-dom (possibilities, excitement about doing projects, seeing things made real) and turns your intuition into a "fog." There's no access to Fi (do I care about this? if I care, am I a principled person enough to do it?) and no Te (how am I going to prioritize my tasks?), just Si (I'm comfy doing nothing and feeling depressed) and flits of Ne, which only show up as being bored, easily distracted, etc. So some of this is a Si grip, and some of it is general depression (being unfocused, sleeping in late, not taking care of yourself, no motivation even for things you love, unable to finish things). You need to approach it by dealing with both -- getting back into your stronger functions (Ne: envisioning possibilities and finding a purpose, Fi: drawing upon your character and who you want to be and what you care about, to take action, Te: making a plan, forcing yourself to do what needs done, and keeping track of your progress to self-motivate) -- and by recognizing and admitting that you are depressed, and asking what you can do about it.

Second, you have built up some BAD habits during the pandemic. I get it. I fell into some of this as well last autumn, when I ceased being my usual productive self and started leaving work (from home) at 3pm every day. I developed a bad habit of just watching television, which numbed my brain and ultimately bored me. It's only now that I have hope and can go to the store without a mask on that I am feeling happier (my little 7 wing rejoices and has PLANS) and can work through into the late afternoon. I'm re-establishing a schedule that is productive throughout the day instead of allowing myself to "meander" in life. So what you need to do is look at your habits. Make a list of them. Look at what you told me: basically, it is I have become undisciplined, my sleep schedule is bad, and then I wake up late and feel lazy so I don't do anything. What is ONE THING that would jolt you into a different routine? Go to bed on time. Set a time every night, shut off all your devices an hour ahead of it, read a book until you get sleepy, and go to sleep. Wake up at a decent hour. If you wake up at 7am instead of 2pm, your body won't fall into its usual "welp, afternoon is half over, guess I'll watch YouTube" habit. It will go -- wait, what new habit are we forming? Breakfast? Then work?? Okay!

Lastly, and this is HUGELY important for an ENFP -- decide the night before what you are going to accomplish or work on tomorrow. Why? It prepares your brain to know what is expected from it. Unless I do this each night, and have a notion of how I am going to spend my time, my Ne goes ?!?! and I get very little done or waste three hours trying to decide what to do. But if I say, "Okay, tomorrow I am finishing chapter four," I usually finish chapter four (and then some). Today, I have to work at my paying job. I knew this last night, so I am mentally clear and prepared to focus only on the task at hand. I don't treat today as "mine." It belongs to my employer. I know what I am going to do, I intend to do it, and when I get home, I know what else I can work on. Learn to create this habit each night before bed. Decide what tomorrow is going to be like and commit to it.

As for tasks you don't want to do that still need done -- just do them. You can spend 2 weeks avoiding them, or spend an hour and get it over with so you don't feel like crap about yourself because you have kept avoiding it for weeks. Decide, "Tomorrow, I am doing that thing first thing in the morning," and then do it.

You will find that when you start setting yourself tasks (Te) that your Ne starts working properly again -- it will become more focused, less hazy, and more interested in what you can contribute, rather than just mindless "consuming." It's fine to have a down day now and again (even so, it's also useful to have a vague idea the night before of what this day will contain, even if it's fun -- it's fun and exciting to anticipate things) but your life NEEDS structure, or you won't do anything.

I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because you won't be happy unless you do. ENFPs need to get things done, contribute, feel like they are moving forward, and have something to show for their time. Without it, they will get angry at themselves -- as you well know.

[jawnkeets]

probably a strange question but: how did you develop your style when it comes to poetry? I really appreciate how you write and how it's vague and specific at the same time? don't know how to express what I mean exactly, but it's like phrases that you feel more than you really understand them sometimes, and that don't look like they should make sense at a glance but when you really read them they do. maybe you'll know what quality I mean 🙈 I feel like I'm way too literal when I write and I want to be a little more abstract in a say less, convey more kind of a way?

hey anon, thank you! not a strange question at all - it’s actually a very good question, and one that i was asking until recently as well (and to be honest am still asking!). i totally know what you mean.

i guess the shortest answer i can give you is that i think ‘poetic feeling’ is best felt full-on, but expressed to the side. it’s also something that genuinely does get easier the more you try to do it, i.e., is a skill that can be sharpened; to start with, everything feels like nonsense, or not quite right, and i felt like a bit of a fake initially, but as i did it more and more i had more and more tiny breakthroughs and gained confidence (which is a genuinely such a large part of any creative endeavour), and this can happen surprisingly fast and snowball; i switched up my style in maybe 1-3 months, just trying a little bit - maybe 15 lines - every couple of days or so. and i didn’t put pressure on myself, deciding if i hated it i’d delete it and reminding myself that no one had to see. i find writing short poems also really helps with practising: they can help you focus more intensely on each choice.

it’s also not a solo thing, or at least doesn’t have to be - i use random word generators, to different degrees depending on the poem, and also it’s surprising how much even just picking words off wikipedia can help, especially with themed poetry. recently i wrote a poem about the medieval period, and threw in words that came to me with terms from wiki pages about the medieval period (history, art, medicine, etc), to make noun phrases like ‘kaleidoscopic altar vision noise’, ‘law texture’, etc etc. the thing that’s helped me most, though, is reading other poems which i think have this quality, which tends especially to be image-heavy poetry: will stone’s translation of trakl completely changed the direction of my poetry, and lorca, rilke and seferis have also been invaluable. i also find authors that do weird things with syntax interesting, like e. e. cummings and j. h. prynne, but don’t go quite as far as them. i have a list of favourite poems which might help, and which i re-read regularly ❤️

something else i enjoy doing is practising reading and misremembering, which sounds like cheating but is actually an excellent way of generating new material. i remember reading (i think it’s this article) alexandra cook’s 'creative memory and visual image in chaucer’s house of fame' and it was a breakthrough for me. from memory (ironic - wish i still had access so i could properly quote from it/check stuff) it talked about how one dimension to medieval creativity was misremembering - that new ideas and originality came from the gap between what the work actually was and how another writer remembered it. trying to deliberately misremember is a lot of fun; a poem is then borne out of an interesting intersection of skill and contingency, which gives it an energy, i think.

on a kind of separate but related note, the classical ars memoriae, or ‘art of memory’, might be quite an interesting thing to play with in relation to writing poetry. what it is, for anyone that’s not familiar with it, is basically the notion that the way to remember things is by having some kind of system in your head - like spatialising the material (so you think about the room you first encountered it in and all the details to help you better remember it), imagining it in a sequence, breaking it up into sets - there are absolutely loads of ways. if this seems weird or alien, we still use mind maps all the time, which is a great example! to deliberately twist, literalise and tbh actually invert the art of memory stuff (i know this is a bit abstract eek), i’ve been thinking recently that it might be fun to distort ideas (themes, an image you like, a line you like) by running them through various ancient memory systems, because i think medieval thought had a point that these systems subtly distort things even as and precisely because their function is get us to remember them accurately (paradoxically, we bend them to our chosen way of thinking/remembering stuff, which alters the material). using ways of memorising we wouldn’t normally use, and forcing them to interact with material much more literally, can yield quite interesting results. in any case, it introduces different ‘head spaces’ which can be quite useful to take in a very loose way when trying to ‘think to the side’: here’s a starting list. to give quite a crude and simplified example, let’s say i’m obsessed with homer’s wine dark sea and want to write something based on it, but also different and original. what if i try to think of ‘wine dark sea’ as sequential (thinking of material in a sequence being one way of remembering things listed on the above wikipedia link)? i’m honestly not sure what that means, and i can’t envision that. it doesn’t even make sense, and is a deliberate perversion of what memorising things in a sequence would actually look like - ‘wine dark sea’ would be one chain in a sequence if the sequence was, e.g., ‘favourite quotes’. ‘wine dark sea’ itself can’t be a sequence; this would turn ‘wine dark sea’ into something logical, mathematical even. but then the phrase ‘mathematical wine dark sea’ is interesting and unexpected. and you can then play with that or variations of it - ‘wine sea: dark, mathematical’ would make a great opening line, and ‘wine sea mathematics’ and ‘wine dark mathematics’ are really interesting phrases (you know actually i quite like this - might go and write a poem about it now... lol).

that last bit is very speculative and i’m kind of thinking out loud, so feel free to ignore haha. i wrote a post on writing poetry a couple of years ago, too, which might have a couple of useful tidbits. i hope some of this is helpful!!

[yes-i-am-happyaspie]

Quiet Company

This is an older story of mine but I really like it and said, hey, may as well post it here too. 😅

Warnings:  None

Word Count: 2489

Tags: Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Precious Peter Parker, Emotional Hurt/Comfort...  ...

Link To Post on AO3 [2019-11-16]: Quiet Company-happyaspie

 As Tony sat in front of what had to have been no less than six holo-screens, he growled in frustration. He had things to do. A million things to do and none of it could hold his attention.  He was far to aggravated with... life in general.  The day had gone south by eight in the morning when the accords committee had gotten together and decided to disregard everything he had to say. That had left him vexed to the point that he ended up arguing with every single person he'd crossed paths with from that point forward.  Including having a heated altercation with several members of the press.  After that, Pepper'd 'had enough of his attitude' and had ushered him off towards his lab to 'cool off.' 

 That's where he remained for the rest of the day.  Jumping between projects and avoiding all human interaction.  Neither of those things had alleviated any of the stress that was still lingering from that morning.  Mostly because he couldn't get it all out of his mind and replaying the entire series of events in his head, word for word, over and over again had only served to exacerbate his bad mood.  Then in an act of sheer desperation, to get his brain to shut up , he asked FRIDAY to up the volume of the rock music that was already blaring into the room.  

 However, rather than raising the volume the AI cut it off completely.  "FRIDAY!  What is the matter with you?  I said turn up the tunes not turn them off.  Do I need to add your code to the list of everything else I'm supposed to fix now?", he snapped without hesitation.  It seemed like everyone wanted him to fix something.  From the accords to his attitude, apparently.  It was aggravating.

 "Sorry Boss, but according to your 'Little Ears Protocol' I'm to turn off the music upon Mr. Parker's arrival.", the AI promptly explained leaving Tony to stare at the ceiling.

 After several moments of thought, he shook his head in utter confusion. "What is he doing he, FRIDAY?", he asked in defeat before a more alarming notion crossed his mind.  "He's not hurt is he?"

 "Mr. Parker is unharmed.  It's Tuesday, sir.", FRIDAY said but when Tony growled in aggravation, she continued.  "Your calendar shows that you have ongoing Tuesday and Friday appointments with Mr. Parker from five PM until nine PM."

 "Dang it!", Tony uttered out loud.  The nights leading up to the meeting with the accords had been short.  As in he didn't really sleep, meaning he'd lost track of the days.   Well, he'd had a vague idea of what day it was but he'd not really put two and two together there.  Basically, he'd forgotten Peter was due to come over and found himself rapidly trying to come up with a way to get out of it.  "Tell him... Tell him I can't see him today or something.", he finally spat out without realizing that sliding doors had already opened.

 "Mr. Stark?", Peter asked as he slowly dropped his backpack to the floor.  

 Everything in Tony hoped that the kid hadn't heard him but the look on the teenager's face made it very clear that he had.   He wasn't smiling as he normally would upon entering the room and more so, he was quiet.  "Yeah, I, uh... it's not a good time. So... you can have the day off and... I'll see you back here on Friday.", he said, avoiding Peter's eyes.  He wasn't sure he could handle any more guilt at the moment.  It seemed as though he'd let everyone down that day.  Himself included.

 Peter squinted his eyes as if he were trying to figure out an unsolvable enigma but made no effort to reclaim his things from off of the floor.  "Did I do something wrong?", he asked sounding so innocent and confused that it made Tony's heart skipped a beat.  Despite that, his bad mood prevailed and he found himself right at the edge of snapping at the boy and he really didn't want to.

 "Pete.  I can't do this today, alright.  I don't want to yell at you so please... just... go.", Tony said still making sure to avoid any chance of eye contact.  When the kid continued to stand there he had to take several measured breaths not to scream at him to get the hell out of there.

 "How, how about I, um... I mean, if you're not mad at me... can I just work on my stuff here?  I promise I won't bother you!  I won't say a word.", Peter hesitated.  Now that he was sure that the man's negative aura had nothing to do with him, he didn't want to leave him alone.  In fact, if his tense shoulders and clipped words were anything to go by, the man had probably been holed up the lab by himself for the majority of the day.

 "Kid.  I... it's really not a good day for this.", Tony said with a sigh.  He was in no way out to hurt the kids feeling but he was sure there was no way his frazzled nervous system could handle having another human within his proximity at the moment but, unlike, Pepper, who knew how to give him space when he was like this, Peter had clearly never gotten that memo.  Probably because he'd never gone so far as to yell at him the way he had her and so many others.  He planned to keep it that way.

 Peter took a deep breath and started towards his desk in the corner despite Tony's insistence that he leave.  "I don't think you should be alone right now, Mr. Stark.", the boy said carefully as he began to slowly pull his suit out of his bag.  "I promise to just stay at my desk.  I just... think I should stay.", he added with conviction and despite his slowly flaring temper, Tony nodded his head curtly and went back to his own table.

 From there, he couldn't stop looking across the room.  The kid was being as still and silent as possible as he worked and it made him feel like an absolute jerk for not wanting him there.  The problem was that he really wanted to have the freedom to throw things and curse on a whim but instead, he found himself having to swallow down those impulses every time he made even the smallest mistake. Eventually  he couldn't take it anymore.  "Listen, kid.  You don't have to sit here and keep me company.", he nearly growled but it didn't seem to phase Peter in the least.

 "I know I don't.", Peter said with a small smile.  "I want to though.  You're like, the most awesome person I know and I just really want to be here.  Even if we don't talk or anything."

 Bringing his hands up to his tired eyes, Tony leaned back in his chair.  "I don't want to yell at you.", he mumbled but he had to admit, even if only to himself, that hearing the kid says that he wanted to be there even if there was no interaction to speak of made him feel less stressed.  Like the pressure was off.  Peter wasn't expecting anything from him.  Knowing that seemed to be enough to ease some of the tension in his shoulders.  

 "It's okay if you do.", Peter said quietly from across the room and Tony's eyes snapped in his direction.

 "Kid, it's definitely not okay for me to yell at you.", he said with so much conviction that for a moment all of the other swirling unease was set aside.  If Peter thought it was okay to be yelled at by him then there was a serious problem there that needed to be addressed sooner rather than later.  He seriously hoped that the boy knew that he would never shout at him, not like that anyway.  There was a huge difference between scolding the boy and angrily dumping his emotions on him.

 Realizing that he'd not been as clear as he'd meant to be, Peter held up his hands in defense. "I just mean that if you want to, you know, rant or something.  I'll listen.  I don't mind.", he said before hanging his head so low that his chin nearly touched his chest.   "You listen to me rant all the time."

 Despite the ongoing strain, Tony smiled softly in the boy's direction. "You're a kid, Pete and I'm the adult.  Allowing you to vent to me is very different than me turning it around and venting to you.", he said with a sigh.  Something about the way the boy was so adamant about being there for him was almost consoling.  It made him feel wanted beyond a technical solution or a demanded explanation.  It was a nice change of pace.

 "I'm not saying that you have to, Mr. Stark.  I just want you to know that you can.", Peter replied without missing a beat before taking another deep breath.  "I know I won't understand it all and that I can't really give you much in the way of advice but... I can be here.  Then you don't have to be alone."  

 As much as he wanted to tell the kid that being alone was exactly what he wanted, he couldn't bring himself to say it.  Maybe because as much as his entire being was screaming that he should go ahead and lock himself away from the world, he found himself surprisingly undaunted by Peter's presence but he said nothing.

 After that, the room grew quiet, save for the steady clinking of the machinery and the periodic whir of the robots whizzing around the room.  Peter continued to tinker with his suit and Tony continued to spend more time watching his mentee than he did getting any work done.  He found it interesting that simply having the kid there in the room with him was enough to help lighten his mood.  He knew there was still a lot of things in his head that would need unpacking at some point but for now, he was content to allow Peter's good spirits and pleasant demeanor rub off on him for a while. 

 Later, once he realized that he wasn't going to get anything else done, he got up and crossed the room towards Peter.  "Hey, kid?", he whispered as he cautiously placed a hand on the boy's shoulder.

 "Hmm?", Peter said as he stared up at his mentor.

 "It's after six and I bet you're hungry.", Tony replied with a small smile that was meant to convey not only his appreciation, for the kid sticking by his side but also the remorse he felt for not being very good company himself.

 Peter smiled back and turned his body so that he could get a better look over his shoulder.  "I can get something on the way home of you don't feel up to doing anything, Mr. Stark."

 Taking a few seconds to appreciate how considerate the kid was, Tony sighed.  "I'm good, kiddo.  In fact, I think going upstairs, making us a few sandwiches and watching some mindless television with you is exactly what I need right now.  Think you can handle that?"

 "I think so.", Peter said with a laugh as he started cleaning up his own work. "Can we watch Myth Busters?"

 "If we must.", Tony replied as if they hadn't binged a season and a half over the last several weekends.  "Maybe make some popcorn, too."

 "With, M&M's in it?", Peter asked with cautious enthusiasm even though he already knew the answer was yes.  Tony had scoffed the first time he'd suggested it but they'd never eaten it any other way since.

 Tony laughed lightly and placed his hand on the kid's shoulder, leading him out of the lab.  "Is there any other way to eat it?"

 "Nope!", Peter returned and with in the next hour they were sitting on Tony's couch, with empty plates and a bucket of candy adorned popcorn between them.  They laughed through the shows and at some point, Peter set the snack aside so that he could lean into the man's side.

 By the time the second episode had ended, Tony was becoming acutely aware that his time with Peter was growing short and to have been so eager to send him home, he was no dreading the boy leaving.  He was sure that once he was gone he was going to have to go back to brooding about everything that had gone wrong that day and that all the pressure that had been put on him that day was going to return. Sighing he squeezed Peter in a little more tightly. "You're a good, kid.  You know that?"

 "You always say that.", Peter replied absentmindedly.  The man did tell him that often and while he didn't always agree he'd learned not to argue.  Tony was Tony and whatever he says goes, end of story.  

 "Because it's true.", Tony assured with a smile.  "You're a good kid."

 Peter smiled and looked up at the man who was staring straight ahead, towards the television. "You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Stark.", he replied with mirth because the truth was, Tony was his favorite person in the whole world, right outside of May.

 "Is that so?", the man asked with a laugh having been slightly thrown off by the declaration.  

 "Mm-hmm.", Peter replied with a nod of his head before dropping his voice from teasing to something a little softer.  "Thanks for letting me stay today."

 All Tony could do was scoff.  'Letting him stay' was an overstatement.  "Thank you for blatantly disobeying me and not leaving.", he said with as much seriousness as he could through the smile that was trying to pull at his lips.  "...but don't get any ideas, kid.  That was a one-time thing."

 "I know.", Peter readily agreed.  He knew that he'd been pushing it when he didn't leave as asked but he was glad he took the chance.  He'd been right.  Tony needed the company even if he hadn't known it at the time.  Insisting on staying had been the right choice.

 Tony nodded his head in approval and before he could stop himself he was leaning down to kiss Peter right on the side of the head.  Though once he realized what he'd done, he froze for a moment, half expecting Peter to squawk or tease but he didn't.  He simply leaned further into his side and hummed with contentment.  The whole thing suddenly felt more sentimental that he was prepared to deal with at the time and so he lightly nudged the kid off of him.  "Great.  Now go make me another sandwich.", he clipped, smiling when Peter immediately hopped to his feet to do so.  

 "You got it, Mr. Stark!"

[quincywillows]

hi maggie! congrats on finishing the first draft of quincy willows! hope you don't mind but i was actually hoping on getting some writing advice. do you have any tips on how to write a change of scene? i struggle a lot when i'm writing a scene and the next one is supposed to be some time after, even if it's on a new chapter. i don't want to be all "and a few days later...". i guess that what i'm asking is for tips on how to make smooth transitions. thanks in advance!

hi there writing friend!! so sorry it took me literally like three weeks to answer this -- i’ve been chewing on it because i want to give you like a good helpful answer and sometimes the brain is just Not Cooperating, you know? lmao. but i think i can tackle it now!

so i think the biggest tip in this sort of case is actually more a mental state than anything to do with your actual writing. i think we as writer’s can get very precious and obsessive about our own work and we then end up overthinking everything (including, as you’re asking about, transitions). believe me, i feel this kind of thing too and know exactly what you’re talking about. however, i think part of the key is sort of training yourself to remember that readers are smarter than we think they are. in fact, we ourselves are readers more often than not! so think about it -- do you spend a lot of time while reading a work of fiction stuck on transitions between time? do you find yourself overthinking the way other writer’s transition? i won’t assume for you, of course, but i would bet you’re far less critical of this sort of thing when you’re reading rather than writing it for yourself, which is totally natural but perhaps can help you not worry so much about it in your own work. readers are smart -- if you lead and at least give some semblance of the passage of time in your story, they will follow!!

in terms of ways to open sections rather than just sort of focusing on how much time has passed, i think i tend to gravitate towards snappy sort of declarative sentences. they’re usually one-liners, and they hone in on the specific emotion or action that is happening in that moment in time. it orients the reader to this new time we’re focusing on, without (ideally) drawing so much attention to the transition.

pulling from all the lonely people, here are a few examples of ways to signal the passing of time without literally stating the obvious (these are between sections, emphasis added):

Riley has never liked talking about herself. But it’s a new day, in a new place. She’s in a place where she can breathe again, light with the knowledge of it and waiting for her enigma boy to wake up so they can greet a new day. All that considered, talking about herself doesn’t seem like such a tall order.

And so she does.

...

Riley doesn’t even realize how long she chats with Rachel, ingesting another cup of decaf and watching the sun rise to its full height and beam across the green lawn outside the window. As the conversation stretches on the rapport between them becomes comfortable, effortless. She learns quickly how funny her host is and can’t help but laugh loudly, only remembering to stay quiet for Lucas’s sake the first couple of times.

that’s an example of just a few hours passing, without being overly specific about it. it’s signaled through imagery, an action occurring (the drinking of coffee and conversation), and even the mention but indistinct passage of time. 

let me grab a larger jump in time or a different method. atlp isn’t the best example for this, since it really is quite linear and doesn’t have many time jumps since it’s taking course in the span of about three weeks (lmao @ me), so i pulled this one from helpless:

It’s humiliating, how much of those crumbled up scraps of paper are dedicated to musings over a boy who he won’t even talk to. Being a student at AAA is challenging, but being a perfectionist, internally dramatic gay freshman with crippling anxiety is its own level of hell.

...

Asher doesn’t even consider the notion of their paths ever crossing until it’s forced upon him, thanks to an accidental lapse in judgment with the most unpredictable character to enter his life since stepping into the halls of Adams two weeks earlier.

in that case, i think the passage of time is sort of vaguely alluded to just in like... the logical passing of time LMAO but then the time change (two weeks earlier) is tacked on at the end, so it doesn’t feel as noticeable. also the focus (the terror and wonder of meeting dylan orlando lol) is on what asher is feeling rather than the literal passage of time. does that make sense?

HOWEVER, i really do think it’s okay to kick off with a passage of time, especially if the time passing is not that far apart. even just searching for examples in my work for this ask, i realize i do it myself quite often. i.e., in helpless just one transition later:

Their teacher gets back to his feet before Lucas can respond either way, leaving him even more uncertain than before. Asher growls and slaps the back of his snapback, causing Lucas to snort before turning it into a cough into his elbow.

Every day, Asher becomes more and more certain he’s not going to survive four years.

...

After a couple of days of existing in a constant state of dread, Asher begins to relax when Lucas’s vague playful threat doesn’t seem to hold any water. Sure, he feels like the title character in a slasher flick and that any time he turns the corner his friend is going to be standing there with a knife in the form of forced interaction, but that moment never comes and eventually Asher has to conclude that Lucas was only teasing him.

so if you’ve read my work, i guarantee you’ve seen me do this too and it probably didn’t jump out to you then. am i right? i really do think it comes back to that notion of just being more critical of your own writing than reading others, so it may be less of a problem than you think it is.

but if you do feel concerned about it, then hopefully some of my tips above might help in some way! i think the most important thing to think about is what other things are changing with the passage of time (feelings!!, thoughts, actions, etc.) that can disguise the signal of it without it just feeling outright. hopefully that makes sense.

happy writing!! sending good creative vibes your way, and thanks for your patience :)

[bosstoaster]

oh my gOD, I'm in love with 9. maybe for sheith or shallura?

Sheith w/ number 9 for that prompt thing, if you’re so inclined? :)

We’re hiding from the authorities and it’s very close quarters in here, I can feel your body against mine.

This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

For one, Shiro and Keith hadn’t even planned on investigating these pirates today.  They were a vague future problem, the purview of the remaining rebellion forces more than Voltron and the IGF.  As annoying and opportunistic as they were, they hadn’t rose above the level of being merely vultures.  One day, when Haggar was handled and the remaining Galra forces were cleaned up, then the Defenders of the Universe would bother.  Until then, it hadn’t been on their agenda.

That was, until the Widow’s Breath, the flagship of the pirate fleet, had landed in literally the same market place that Shiro and Keith had chosen for their... private discussion.  They’d come down in a nondescript cruiser rather than Atlas or the Black Lion, so they didn’t have the firepower to match the well-outfitted ship.

But they were landing in a marketplace.  Surely they were planning on sticking around, right?  And there were so many weird pirates coming and going that surely no one would question two new faces in their signature blue cloaks.

At least, that’s what they had both been thinking.

Shiro admitted that part of his enthusiasm had been nostalgia.  Captaincy meant less tilting off after windmills, and he wasn’t above admitting he missed it.

The other part was that Shiro was putting off their talk.

Keith probably was too.

So they snuck on, with all the giddy subtlety of teenagers sneaking into a bar.  The goal had been to have a look around, steal some files or anything that looked portable, listen to some chatter, then get out quickly.

Except almost as soon as they’d gotten aboard, the ship started to lift.

Their disguises were never meant to last longer than a passing glance.  Which meant anyone actually stopping and talking to them would give up the game, and the pirates would realize they had the ultimate hostages - after all, it wasn’t like no one knew Keith and Shiro’s face.

Which meant they needed to hide.

Which meant they’d hid in a tiny closet for lack of better options.

Which meant that Shiro and Keith were pressed together in the dark, humid confines of the room, chest to chest, face to face, silent as they listened to the footsteps outside and hoped no one needed a broom soon.

“This was a bad idea,” Shiro finally breathed, closing his eyes.  

The little room was musty and had the acrid scent of cleaning supplies the universe over.  But mixed into that was the undeniable scent of Keith - metal, sand, and just a hint of sweat.  That last one was mostly because of the heat of the little room.

Keith snorted.  “No kidding.”  He tried to lean back away from Shiro, giving them both space, but there was nowhere to go.  Both their back were already pressed to either wall, but they were still smushed together.  It was made all the worse by Shiro’s arm, which took up far more space than it had any right too.

They both stand there, awkwardly silent.

“I don’t suppose you’re still close enough to Atlas to get a distress call out,” Keith said, once the silence stretched out too long to bear.  

Shiro shook his head.  “No.  They probably went to hyperspace.  Our best bet is to wait till a night cycle or third ship, then try and break into the control room while they have a minimal crew.”

Keith nodded wisely, more than an edge of sarcasm to the movement.  “Which we’ll definitely be able to tell from our very well connected closet.”

Scowling, Shiro shrugged.  “Unless you have a better plan, Black Paladin.”

He didn’t mean for it to come out bitter.  It was just snark, a response to Keith’s sarcasm.  But he could already tell once the words left his mouth that they were going to sound bad.

Keith’s expression closed off.  His jaw physically worked, like he was grinding his teeth.  “Of course not, Captain.”

Shiro opened his mouth, then closed it when footsteps came closer.  He waited for the shadow to pass by the door and the noises to fade again before he responded.  “I’m not trying to criticize the job you do.  I’m sorry.  We’re both just tense.”

There was a pause, then Keith let out his breath through his nose.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if you were mad.  I did kind of steal your job.”

“You offered it back.”

“We both knew you couldn’t take it.  Not that you didn’t want it back.”

Keith wasn’t wrong.  He’d offered, and more than once, Shiro would have given anything to be the Head of Voltron again.  But even months later, the bond with Black was a sore wound that buzzed with energy and anxiety if Shiro got too close.

But that was before everything else.  “I wouldn’t now.  This is good.  How it all came together is good.”  Shiro reached out and put a hand on Keith’s arm.  “You were always the man I wanted for the job.”

Keith nodded, gaze still on his feet.

The silence draped over them again until Shiro’s stomach flipped.

This conversation wasn’t what they came here to talk about.  They both knew that, but neither of them wanted to bring it up.

Shiro’s hand was still on Keith’s arm.

They’re still pressed together, so close that Shiro could feel every exhale on his neck.

He tried not to think about that.

I love you.

Keith had said that during their fight (the fight with the clone, but Shiro was both).  In the same breath he’d used the word ‘brother’ again.  But then Keith also put his hand on Shiro’s thigh, hovered by his side all the time, stared at him like he was something precious.

It was about time they had a talk about them.  Where they stood.  What they wanted.

Shiro wanted a clear signal.  Wanted to know where the boundaries were and where his heart was allowed to lead him.  But that required getting some time to talk in privacy.  No where on Atlas was really private, so Shiro had asked Keith to accompany him into the planet while he established long-term trade for Atlas.

Then this had all happened.

Well, if nothing else, they were in private.

Kind of.

Shiro was still trying to figure out where to even begin when Keith sighed and looked up.  “We might as well get this over with.”

His expression was so miserable that Shiro nearly pretended not to understand what he meant.  But he swallowed and nodded.  “This doesn’t have to be bad,” he said softly.  “It can be affirming instead.  I just want both of us on the same page.”

Keith shrugged one shoulder.  “You don’t need to make a big deal of it either.  You could have just told me to back off on the side.  I would get it.”

Shiro blinked slowly, trying to follow how Keith had jumped to this topic.  “Is this a big deal?  I didn’t mean to end up on a pirate ship.”

“Going off ship, I mean,” Keith said, looking at Shiro’s chin rather than his eyes.  “I appreciate you making it private, but it doesn’t have to be a big production.  You can just tell me to step back.  I don’t need you to spare my feelings like that.”

...Yeah, Shiro still didn’t get it.

“The privacy was for me too,” Shiro finally said, slow as he continued to process what Keith was getting at.  “I figured if the conversation went badly, I would have a chance to get it out of my system before I would have to be in front of the crew or the team.”

If anything, that made Keith look more upset.  “Oh.”  He visibly steeled himself, then nodded. “Okay, then do it.”

“Do what?”

“Yell at me.”

“What?”

They both froze at Shiro’s exclamation, waiting in case anyone had heard.  Then Keith made a frustrated noise.  “You just said you were going to get it out of your system!”

Shiro shook his head, baffled. “How does that translate to yelling at you?  I can count the number of times I’ve yelled at you on one hand, Keith.  I meant get over the disappointment.  What are you talking about?”

For the first time, Keith looked off balance too.  “Disappointed about what?  How I feel?”

Wincing, Shiro nodded.  “There were a few mixed messages,” he admitted.  “So I thought I’d let you make yourself clear.  I imagine it’s exactly what you’ve said before, and I’ll have a chance to collect myself and adjust my behavior before anyone else has to know.  That’s all.”

Keith stared.  “I thought that’s what I said.  Except- what do you have to adjust?”

“At least I won’t have hope,” Shiro said, then clenched his jaw.  “Nothing will really change.  It’ll be a mental adjustment.  I won’t interpret you based on wild notions.”

Finally, Keith nodded slowly.  “Okay.  You want... You want me to stop giving mixed signals too, right?”

“You’re under no obligation to change anything,” Shiro said, shaking his head.  “I don’t want you to change a thing.  I just want to know how I should take it.  You’ve made yourself clear before, but when you touch certain places, I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be intentional or absentminded.  Or if you just don’t know the connotations of certain actions.”

Keith went pink and groaned.  He tried to lean back against the wall, but he had nowhere else to go.  “You mean the thigh touch?”

“Among others, yes.”  Shiro cleared his throat and absently ran a hand along the column.  His pulse thudded under the pads of his fingers, so powerful he could hear his blood rushing.  “For the sake of my nerves, can we just be blunt?  You see me just as a brother, nothing more, as you’ve said more than once.  I’ve let my imagination get the better of me, and I need to reel myself back.”

Keith opened his mouth like he was about to apologize, then frowned.  He looked Shiro up and down, considering him anew.  “You’re disappointed?”

“Nothing I can’t handle,” Shiro replied, clipped and brisk. “Nothing you ever need to worry about.  It’s handled.  You don’t have to change anything, and I hope the passing thought doesn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“You’re disappointed.”

Shiro winced and leaned sideways, as if he could merge with the shelving units and become a container of soap instead of the man in this closet.  “Just forget it, Keith.”

“Hell no.”

Before Shiro could try and explain, Keith surged forward and kissed him.

Their lips touching.  Keith’s breath in Shiro’s mouth.  His hands on Shiro’s hips.  Their chests flushed.  Keith’s heart pounding like a rabbit.

Kissing.

They were-

Shiro licked his lips as Keith pulled away.  His fingers came up to touch over his mouth, as if making sure he hadn’t just hallucinated the touch.  “Oh.”

“That was okay?” Keith asked, faltering.  “You meant- please tell me I didn’t just make this worse.”

“You never could.”  Shiro used his left hand to cup Keith’s jaw and pull him in for another, desperate kiss.  “Please, please tell me this isn’t a brother thing?  You’re not just really confused about brothers?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Keith shot back, nipping at Shiro’s bottom lip.  “If we weren’t surrounded by murderous pirates, I’d want to do way more than just kiss you.  How’s that for an answer?”

“Good.”  Shiro’s voice came out more like a squeak.  “Guess I kinda... presumed.  In my defense, you said it.”

Keith huffed, then started to nibble along Shiro’s jaw.  “Because I thought you saw me as a little brother.  Easier to play into your expectations.”

“I never said that.”

“Guess I presumed too.”

“Guess we’re a pair of idiots, then.”

Keith smiled against Shiro’s neck.  “We’re locked in a closet in a pirate ship.  We’re definitely idiots.”

That was fair.  Shiro slid his hand down Keith’s back, taking in the soothing heat of him.  “Well, I think we know how to pass the time until the night shift.”

“Great idea, Captain.”

Laughing, Shiro dipped his head down and stopped Keith’s snark with another kiss.

[savingoursanity]

What is progress even

The month of May is already upon is. That means that a quarter of 2019 has already gone by. I don't have the best notion of time on a regular basis so when I had to write down the date recently and wrote 05 for the month I had a very clear back to earth moment.

So far I don't know that I have much to say for myself as far as what I've accomplished in 2019. Not that I haven't been doing things, but the days, weeks and now months have slowly melded into a hazy mush of a time period I look back on with vague disappointment.

Executive dysfunction for me means I'm a big dreamer but rather poor on actually doing the thing, be seeing it through or even starting the thing at all. I'm an overachiever at heart who see's big but gets scared and sidetracked along the way. When that happens I tend to beat myself up for not accomplishing what I'd intended/hoped to do. There's this sense of urgency to not waste my life but at the same time I don't even know what that actually translates to in reality.

One of my many off and on hobbies is coloring. Back in January I started one of the latest pages of my coloring book. It's a rather detailed drawing of an owl that I knew would take me quite a while to complete. Sure hyperfocus helps get a lot down in one sitting, but that means that I usually can't stand looking at it for weeks after which slows down the progress ultimately. I wanted to see how long it would actually take and I wanted to document the progress along the way.

Being me I forgot to take a real beginning before picture and I skipped a few odd times throughout but here is the main layout of my progress.

The dates for the pictures are as follows:

- January 24th (pic 1 and 2 are a before and after of the same day)

- January 25th, 27th, 28th

- February 3rd, 13th, 17th

- May 3rd

So needless to say it tool me a while, but at the end of the day I don't want my focus to be on how long it took or how long I think/wish it had taken or anything else myself. My focus is on the fact that I actually got it done. I patiently colored that drawing for hours but I truly enjoyed it when I did, listening to music and relaxing after a long day of work. It's a testament to the fact that I am able to accomplish things and that I have the patience and ability to make something beautiful that I'm proud of. Sure it might be a simple drawing, but it can be so much more than that if I don't put myself so much pressure on performance, productivity and ultimately progress.

Because progress is made every day in a thousand different ways big and small. Your life isn't just one big line of progress that goes up or down or doesn't move. It's dozens of lines pertaining to different parts of yourself and your life that intertwine. It's rare that they are all parallel at the same time. While one stabilizes another has the chance to thrive. You can only work on so many things at once and that's how it should be. Self growth happens through the busy times but also through the quieter moments. It's about finding balance throughout the big picture instead of getting lost in the details of the moment.

There's still plenty of 2019 left to explore and many new things to be experienced. It's too early to be psyching myself out over what I have or haven't done yet. I am able to start and I am able to finish and in the end that's all that's required to accomplish anything.

[its-morphin-time-xiv]

TBH, I've always wanted to RP with your Belladonna, she seems interesting,but for quite some time now I've never been able to figure out who, or what, she is? I see a lot of what I'm guessing is the power rangers, as aesthetic posts and I've been trying to figure out how that would apply to FFXIV and its lore? I'm not accusing you of lore breaking, and even if you were it's your choice to play how you want! I'm merely just curious how she fits into the FFXIV world and what she is about. Help me?

Hello Anon! I’m actually really glad you asked, I know with how vague the blog itself is in regards to everything like who, or what she is. And quite frankly, Tags on posts aren’t helping either. The concerns or at the very least, curiosity in regards as to how “Power Rangers” fits into FFXIV Lore and the universe itself are entirely understandable, and I’m always more than willing to explain the reasoning as to why its here, or even how!

I’m more than willing to help explain things in a more clear and concise manner, now with that, please bear in mind that this post might be a touch lengthy, but I hope you understand and that this isn’t something that can be explained with full-clarity without getting down and dirty. I hope that by the end of it, some of the fog has been cleared! So without further ado… Let’s get started, shall we?

I’ll go ahead and place everything I’ve got under the cut, I hope you enjoy it!

–

I suppose we can start from the beginning and that, Bella, the initial character concept was created about… maybe two years ago. Three technically if you just count how long this blog has been standing. Initially, Bella is (was) a Thavnairian blooded hyur. Or rather, for a bit more clarification, is from an Island near Thavnair that could be and is considered part of the island.

Now that we’ve gotten an… okay grasp as to how long I’ve been working on this, we can properly start with things, like where she’s from, then we’ll move from there!

If I could place it on the global map we’ve been given of three continents it would be placed around here, right under the span of clouds within the red circle. 

Around there is a fairly good estimate of where I’ve placed the island she’s from, that island being “Gisana” (Yeah, totally original with names, i’m great.) [Not Really] Now, Gisana borrows very basic culture concepts of what Thavnair is, I use Morocco mixed with my own culture, which is Filipino. It’s bit of a homebrew, yes. I take influences from what we know, what we’ve been given, then I slip my own to fill in what gaps I need filled, if that makes any sense. 

Now, the island itself is a moderate size, nothing too extreme or anything like that. If anything? It’s about the size of one of the islands there, circled in blue. The island is surrounded by a maelstrom of whirlpools and actual maelstroms due to the unfortunate blend of the waters of The Bounty, and the Dorvos Narrow. Those two create fairly poor conditions for an island’s existence, so much so that the island lays in the ‘eye’ of an ever churning storm. 

Something I could equate it to visually, was the storm that surrounded Skull Island in the newest King Kong movie. (If you’ve ever seen that, it’s pretty cool). 

The storm itself on the outside and within the clouds were extremely rough, but any sailor with an actual heading and idea of how to travel through the treacherous waters or pilot grave enough to fly the hurricanes could make it through no problem. But solely due to that, this island gets left off the map fairly frequently, which is why it’s counted as nothing in particular outside from just a natural disaster waiting to happen.

Now the reason why the storm remains seemingly like a permanent constant is due to the fluctuations of the aether in the environment, being so turbulent and visceral. Far more than unmanageable than that of Eureka (The Isle of Val) [At least I think that’s what it was called]. 

Due to the fluctuations, the veil between this realm and the Void is thin, very much like how Eorzea is, except on a much more smaller yet just as dangerous scale of that. This meaning, that incursions of the void are more frequent on the island itself and solely on the island (not counting the water of course). 

That’s unfortunate for the inhabitants of the island, which Belladonna was one of them, as a child anyways. Now that’s essentially the ‘Fanon’ locale of where the Rangers essentially originated from. 

But not quite yet of where a Ranger comes from, per se. In order to do that, I’ll need to divert our attention back to the island, just a little bit. The Island has been present and weathered the passing of the Astral and Umbral eras ever since the age of Allag. And the people of the island have, through this time collected themselves and united to create one settlement, one city for themselves since they could not bear to leave their island home in the state it is. (That and the storm’s a thing too).

While forging themselves a forever home, they raised walls to keep the demons at bay and away from their people. But walls alone do not protect a fortress, so sometime ago, two of the most brilliant minds there sought to create a tool, a weapon, or even a shield of sorts to defend against the darkness that clawed at their doorstep. 

Now I mentioned that the island had been present since the fall of Allag, the “Tek” that the Rangers used are extremely basic in comparison as to what the old Empire had, but it uses old plans and even ideas that they could and would have used back then. Now, I say this because, Nero has a magitek transformation, and Gaius has a powered up transformation too! That only seemed to bolster my idea that or at the very least influence to m that the notion of ‘magitek morphers’ could and would be feasible. 

With this in mind and using it as my springboard, I use it to essentially state that the “Morphers” that they use are inherently modified Allagan devices if not further worked with and attuned for the uses that are needed, in regards to Gisana and it’s constant demon plight. 

Thusly, Ranger (suits) are created via the Morpher itself, first designed outside by an armorer, then the device essentially borrows the design/uses the armor itself and “stores” it within the device. Sort of like Aetherial de-materialization and re-materialization on the spot, via commands of magick incantations and actual magitek innerworkings. Alternatively, you could describe it like they would use a separate method entirely, like how Allagan teleportation nodes work, and it just gets -teleported- onto your person. Either one works honestly but it gets pretty… mumbojumbo at this point, but it’s a fair explanation on things, at least it is from my perspective. 

If that isn’t necessarily as clear as needed, I can further branch upon it, please let me know!

My idea for a city within a wall and the darkness beyond that was pretty inspired by The Last City in Destiny, while the island secluded away, only by natural disaster means was a mix of “Themyscira” and “Wakanda” but also “Skull Island”. More predominantly the latter most than the foremost.

The magitek morphers are also powered by not Ceruleum, but of crystals, more so hypercharged ones. (I am keenly aware of how dangerous that could be in a character/ situation.) But they’re handled on such a far and infantismal level that most characters hardly have to deal with it save for the scientists and Belladonna herself. Crystal shards get reduced and refitted down to be the size of a coin, a “Power Coin”, as it were. Much like how Power Rangers Zeo, Megaforce, Dinocharge, Dinothunder and Lost Galaxy exhibit their Ranger powers and the like. 

I like Lost Galaxy because they use ‘beast spirits’ along with crystals. I akin those to soul essences that are also required to properly use a Ranger’s armaments 

I hope its been clear, or at least a bit more digestible with this explanation! We’ve still got a little more!

So, lorewise this sits a bit snug in with essentially backdrop and background happenings that weren’t really… significant to anything stated already on the timeline. As the Eras passed, the island suffered, but still most encounters go unnoticed or unrecorded at all do to the hostile nature of the island’s environment surrounding it? Or the denizens within the water below. The island itself could and would become what essentially amounts to sailor’s tales, mysteries and myths you’d hear in passing at your sea-side Tavern. 

Sort of like tales of colorful beings in shimmering lights fighting harrowing beasts countless times. Stuff like that! 

Now, let’s take this back to our girl!

(Sorry, I just really love this picture.)

From here and below, if I can recall some writing that could pertain and assist with a bit more contextual understanding, I’ll make sure to link it with bold letters to identify!

But yes, as I stated prior, Bella is a character concept that’s been growing and evolving over the course of the past two years since her first… ‘creation’, in a sense. I suppose its also very important to note that much of her story is very much ‘The past doesn’t stay dead’ kind of thing. Some reading may or may not have figured that from my previous drabbles regarding Belladonna. Essentially, Belladonna, herself has been present and around for a long time now. Fifty or so years at the moment, regarding the Game’s Lore Timeline. 

That being, from an ooc standpoint, I  would run into… rather serious hurdles, regarding my personal life, and to cope, a new concept would be formulated. But I already have trouble playing more than one alt, in regards to RP, i am… poor at attempting it, but I am working on getting better at that. And so, at the time, Balmung was already locked forever™. And I truthfully only had one character to play for a long time. So instead of re-rolling my character and essentially ‘stranding’ myself as it were in regards to RP, I would.. just insert another chunk onto Bella’s timeline. If that makes sense. 

While yes, that is a poor maneuver some might say, it’s helped me, in all truthfulness create very memorable moments.  But that wouldn’t be without my friends who accept my ideas openly, without them? I might not even have this blog anymore. 

But anyways, before I get too far off-topic; Belladonna is a woman who has had a lot of history happen, solely through the past. And what you see now, are mostly new developments and new experiences. I guess you could say, a woman out-of-time, as a possible explanation. 

This, however doesn’t explain why she’s an elezen, and not a hyur, as she started, or even why I refer to her as “Mutant” in my writings a lot. You might be sighing and rolling your eyes, but please allow me to explain just a little bit longer. 

At her very core, she is still a ‘hyur’. But the reason she is an elezen now, is due to a unfortunate mishap during one of her adventures in which a voidal summoning turns hectic as a Succubus sought to inhabit Bella’s body. Her aether signature already being in turmoil and a rough state in general due to an Imperial sub-project that she subjected herself to in order to.. “keep up” and “combat” the things she fights with her comrades in arms.

She happened upon a very small trace and trail of the Empire’s workings through connections she had gained while living in Kugane and of her own brief Imperial service. 

The end result of the use of said ‘project’ gave Bella more drawbacks than features. Having lost all sense of pain, she can push past her would-be limits, even if it means self-harm. Her body wasn’t attuned or conditioned to any capacity for it to handle the testing done, so she now suffers a biological and ‘aetherial’ mutation. Since the project itself deal with matters of using Voidblood and essence to infuse Imperial conscripts / criminals with it for further service of the Imperial Banner. 

Learning to live with these new changes, such as biologically having.. a new spine extending from where your old one, being shorter, looking like wade wilson /after/ project x –

– like that, only y’know… “prettier” and with hair. Mildly like a mix of both Wade Wilson and Marrow, if you’ve ever seen them.

I don’t believe there’s any right to call it living, rather than just calling it suffering, because that’s truly what it was. She received extreme chronic pain from her mutations, and.. essentially she wanted an “out”. This was around the time she started really going back to her roots, her roots being… “Rangers”, and the island. 

Slowly, in time, despite the rather… negative results she had been given during her time home in an attempt to “cure” herself. And.. possibly to a degree, she got better. 

With her already weakened state, she looked to intense and darker means to try and find a way to rid herself of her “problems”. This eventually leading to the summoning and the disasters that came swiftly after. The Succubus, seeing her would-be host in no suitable condition to survive, took liberties and adjusted Bella to her liking. After all.. this is a succubus. The change itself was gradual, a hex on a very slow burn after the situation was resolved, albeit messy. 

Slowly she’d see height differences, skin cleansing but some things don’t go away, like the spine. That would learn to stay and not all of her wounds and scars from testing would disappear completely. So she sought after an ink artist, giving her tattoos that coincided along with her scars, some even masking out the worse ones. 

And now, she looks the way she looks. Tall, and a bit more happy too. 

—

Final Fantasy XIV’s Lore leaves a lot to be user interpreted, even with lorebooks being published. And with the Allagan empire and dark magicks abound, there’s still… lots of room to leave up and open to people to have some creative fun and freedom with. 

Knowing this, and using this, and even using the lines from the book(s) themselves, we can come up with amazing stories and do amazing things. All while still being.. in the relative realm of ‘grounded’ to its roots. 

[Here’s a link to her about page as well on her tumblr]

Belladonna Slater is a very… complicated character, she strives to learn her place in the world once more but also sees the past calling back to her to be a “Hero” again, hero being a very loose term now since she has grown from lawful neutral to that more of a chaotic neutral in response to just about everything that has happened to her.  

But I hope that.. me writing this as an answer to your ask, Anon, that this helps clear the air, if by only a little as to worries and or questions you had. I’d also like to note that this isn’t a complete character breakdown, there are still at least one or two elements of her ‘story’ that could be branched upon and explained if asked. 

If you’d like to know about them, you’re more than welcome to ask me, either through Tumblr inbox for the sake of anonymity or even in Tumblr DMs, Discord is also an option as well. 

I also do have a document that I have written out in regards to Ranger Corps. I can leave that in a link here below as well. However: The document itself hasn’t been edited or revised since May of this year, 2018. So there are revisions and slight edits to be made. I just haven’t sat down with the time to do it yet. But let it not discourage you from reading! 

Ranger Corps - Documents and Information 

Anon, I do hope this writing, both the answer to your ask and this document have been able to assuage some of your worries, or curiosities, rather. And if there is anything else from you, specifically, or from anyone else for that matter, that would like to know more, or have a specific question?

You are more than welcome to come and ping me for a conversation! 

I love being able to talk to new people, and well… I hope you’d like to talk to me too!

Thank you for your curiosity and question, Anon. 

I hope I was able to help.

– M

[danganronpa-21]

Hope you don't mind me asking. I'm just curious. What exactly are your problems with Kiyo (besides him being a killer), Kokichi (besides him being basically a killer), and V3 as a whole?

Honestly, sometimes I forget that my opinions are on public display like that on my Amino/Instagram. Especially the Amino ones, cause those are sort of out of date.

Anyway, thanks for asking this question!

I do want to preface this by saying a little something though: My takes on V3 should not be taken as 100% valid! Why, you may ask? Well... confession time, I haven’t played all V3. At the time it came out, I was harshly disinterested. Rather than experiencing it for myself, I chose to read up on it and learn what happened for myself. I’ve never been someone who’s particularly bothered by spoilers (much to the chagrin of literally everyone I’ve ever known), so I didn’t think anything of it at the time. And when I looked in to it, I didn’t like what I read and thought that it was good that I didn’t bother playing it for myself. I felt this way for a long time, rejecting all V3 things, until eventually I was lovingly bullied in to picking up the game myself. So while there are aspects of V3 I have experienced beyond my readings, it’s not done in full for me at all yet, so there could be several gaps in my knowledge or just my feelings. Please don’t take everything I say as my one and only interpretation, because it’s true that many of the feelings I express in my answer could be subject to change. I recognize that these takes aren’t valid because I haven’t experienced the game in full. It’s the same as when someone criticizes Danganronpa 3 without having seen it themselves: sure, you know how it’s written so you have some thoughts on it... but it’s still best to experience it yourself to formulate your own opinions. That’s what I’m intending to do, but I haven’t gotten around to it fully yet... because it’s an experience I’m hoping to share, if I play my cards right.

Really though, if I am to explain the offences I have at the current level of V3 I am on, I would say that each of these three aspects of V3 are explained… probably more simplistically than one would expect. I see a lot of people who have these in-depth reasons as to why they feel so strongly about a certain aspect of Danganronpa, and while I can be that person sometimes… here, not so much. 

Besides being a killer, honestly Korekiyo just makes me uncomfortable. Like even beyond the incest thing, there’s something about him that absolutely puts me off. I tried watching his Free Time Events to see if I could stir up some love for him, but I found myself making any excuse to stop every five minutes. I can’t say that I like his design or his mannerisms, and his voice actor communicates Korekiyo’s creepiness well… but I couldn’t find it in me to get past to what some people would refer to as the softer, sweeter aspects of Kiyo. Even the anthropologist element couldn’t save Kiyo for me, and I honestly thought it might. I’ve taken a few anthropology classes myself and I think the topic in itself is interesting enough. However, hearing Kiyo talk about it just either felt boring or off-putting, and I can’t say that I one hundred percent know exactly why that I ended up feeling that way. I suppose it’s fair to say that anthropology is a rather broad topic, and that what Kiyo spoke of in his FTEs wasn’t exactly my point of interest. But if you jump away from the anthropological aspect of Korekiyo, I’m with the majority in saying that the incest thing just made me flat out uncomfortable. 

At this point you could absolutely argue that it’s unfair of me to slander Korekiyo for being incesty if another character I love is Kanon Nakajima, a girl who has extreme and obsessive romantic feelings for her first cousin. However, I would justify myself in saying that the primary reason why Kanon works for me and Korekiyo doesn’t all boils down to other aspects of character. Do I think it’s creepy the way Kanon talks about and acts around Leon? Yes, of course. But the thing about Kanon is that she manages to utilize her other traits to become likeable in spite of it. She has all kinds of other quirks and traits that exist outside of being Leon’s creepy cousin who’s in love with him. Her whole presence as a character isn’t for the sake of being chilling, whereas I find much of Korekiyo’s character is to be weird and unnerving. It’s easier to get behind Kanon because I feel like she’s not just madly in love with Leon, but rather has other parts to her existence that are meant to make her realistic outside of it. Korekiyo, while he does have additional character traits, seems to be crafted with the intention of being creepy. 

I also know that at this point some people would want to argue that I’ve judged Korekiyo all wrong because his sister manipulated him into loving her and he’s actually an abuse victim, and I won’t dispute them. Do I agree with them? I can’t say, because the interpretation itself is just that: interpretation. Just because another interpreted it that way doesn’t mean that I will interpret something the same way, and so on and so forth. But even the line between “is Korekiyo an abuse victim or not” is something that puzzles me, because otherwise, the wrong person could boil it down to the question of Korekiyo stooping down to the level of his abusive sister by manipulating and murdering Tenko and Angie (and just to be clear, this question is not something that I personally believe). And even if maybe that seems like a far-fetched interpretation that someone could draw, the suggestion that an abuse victim will turn out like their abuser makes me undeniably frustrated. It would send a message that I don’t feel is appropriate in the slightest, and play in to the fear that many real life abuse victims have. 

All in all, the way Korekiyo was constructed just doesn’t have what I would call the “Koto appeal”. They simply had a different Danganronpa player in mind when they were designing him, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking Korekiyo, he’s just very far from my cup of tea.

Something like Kokichi, I would say.

Kokichi already gets a hard time from me because honestly… I don’t find I like characters who are just out to make the player’s life harder. It’s not even a “i’m bad at video games” thing, it’s just that I genuinely find myself frustrated with characters like Byakuya and Nagito sometimes because I’m just trying to do my job, how dare you be trying to screw me up, you little shit!

So he’s already got beef with me right there, especially being the one that’s so much more challenging to fight against than the others. The dude’s high jacking entire trials and you just have to sit there with an “I guess this happening” expression as you try to work out the problem. I already play Danganronpa on gentle because something about the game just makes my inner potato brain skyrocket to like 500%, so Kokichi is kind of a pain in the ass for me. Which I get he’s supposed to be, but I don’t like it. 

His character relationships don’t help me, either. While I am fully aware that it’s all an act, the insensitivity is still harmful to the people around him. Yes, he does have this put on for the sake of fulfilling this plan of his and preventing the others from mourning him when he eventually does die. Unfortunately that plan in itself is a problem for me too though, after seeing a fan reconstruction of his plot to avoid the deaths of Gonta and Miu. Which even if it was a necessary sacrifice, makes Kokichi feel slightly more cruel to me -- although I know some may think that it shouldn’t. The behaviour still just sits badly with me, not to mention that even if you consider the inklings of Kokichi being a good guy… I don’t feel as if I can say with confidence really anything about him. Which again falls back on to a personal writing problem with me, because I am entirely an audience who likes to know things. That’s part of the reason why I write fankid fic: because there are things that I like to know that Kodaka will not confirm nor deny for me. So I took matters in to my own hands in hopes of satisfying both myself and others with where things will go. But if I don’t feel like I know Kokichi and my only evidences of him are of him being a jerk, it doesn’t lead me to like him very much.

Which is also what throws me for a loop with Danganronpa V3 as a whole, actually! All of the end revelations got me pretty badly in the sake that I have a vague notion of things that they showed me pregame, but otherwise there’s a lot that the game leaves unanswered. I mean, on the flipside, there’s absolutely evidence that everything we got to see was true… But until I know, I have trouble enjoying V3 totally. 

Plus, it also just contains my least favourite cast. I still like some of them, but there are more that I either don’t like or don’t care about. As you mentioned before, I’m not excited about Korekiyo or Kokichi. And maybe I just don’t know anything about them yet, but I’m not terribly interested in Kirumi, Ryoma, Tenko, or Rantaro. I have a little bit of love for characters like Himiko, Gonta, and Tsumugi. And to be fair, I do like Kaede, Kaito, Kiibo, Miu, Maki, and Shuichi a decent amount. But still, compare that to games like Danganronpa 1 where the only character I actively dislike is Hifumi... then it just comes out as my least favourite. Even with Super Danganronpa 2, I have a sort of dislike-like for characters like Nagito and Kazuichi. I don’t completely dislike them in the same way I do some of the characters in V3. 

Really, though, I know all of this is stuff that I personally think about V3 is subject to change. After awhile of straight up disliking it and refusing to play it like the stubborn child that I am, I do fully intend to commit myself to the game and maybe change some of my opinions along the way. Sure, it’s fine for me to have some of this opinions and ideas based off of what I do know, but ultimately I know it’s something I have to experience for myself for my take on it to be actually valid.

Hopefully if I can work out the things I need to try and work out, you guys might even be able to watch me experience it for the first time... but that all depends on how well my computer can handle running the appropriate programs simultaneously. Fingers crossed, though!

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #1: "I'm ready to punch a bitch." - Timmy

I swear to god... If y'all cast any of my enemies I'm gonna DIE. I need a chance to STRIVE AND NOT DIE.

Omg getting in the game feels soo amazing, like I have said I have not played in sooo long so i feel this will be the ultimate test for my capabilities, the good thig is that not many people know each other so that’s good. My idea for the first day is just to talk to everyone see where they are if they know anyone etc etc. This is just veery exciting!

Feeling good about my tribe, most people have actually talked which is a big plus. Getting good vibes from Shea, and Miguel, and Federico a bit. If Alyssa is the Alyssa I know she’ll be fun to work with too. Still though, early days on the Kato beach. First challenge is kind of annoying though as some of the items are ??? But I’ve done some videos and I’ll try and do more.

WOOO the game has started!! I'm excited for the most part except.... THERES TOO MANY TUMBLR FACES HERE. I wanted an entirely new slate and a whole new cast for me but I guess that's a rip! I know Alyssa, StephenW, Zach, Timmy, Jess, and TJ!

I think that the idol system is definitely cute!! And I want to get an idol so yeah!

I think I'm hitting it off pretty well with Zach (He's probably good with peeps tbh), and Liam (Even though I confused his intro with Daniel's)

The challenge is a scavenger hunt aka my least favorite challenge so thanks, I hate it!!

I can already tell that this is going to be an interesting season just based on the people that I already know coming into the game. I'm happy that on my tribe I already know Tim, Jess, and Zach so that should be good for me for at least the first few rounds. I don't really want to stick with the people I already know though because that's boring. I'm happy Alyssa is on the other tribe and not my tribe right now because I have no intention on working with her because people love doing whatever she says in orgs and I'm not here for it. If we get onto a tribe together or both make it to merge, she is my target and I won't be quiet about it. Might as well focus on my own tribe for now though. Besides the 3 mentioned before, I have only spoken to Karthik who seems alright so that's good. Only issue is that he's like 10.5 hours ahead timewise so that's going to be interesting. I still need to talk to the others but all in good time.

hie girlies this is my first confessional of the SEASON! as always, i'll just give a typical analysis of each person on my tribe, how i vibe with them, etc. i'll also throw in some random pieces of info i guess woo. this is finna be long btw.

jess - she's a likeable queen but she has a big tendency to leave me on read. i think this is either her thinking i'm boring but i'm not sure. ik in TS guyana she was criticized at FTC for being lacklustre in responding so i'm hoping it's just that opposed to something on my behalf. she's really cool tho!! karthik - karthik is short in response sometimes but never leaves our convo on read, which i respect. he seems to know that i won embb9 + am 'really liked' in the community.. he rlly is delusional huh? jk ASKGDS he's great tho. i know my friends like him and he can be a great player so i'm anticipating working with him hopefully. stephen - stephen is a king too. he's someone that probably would know some of my game ig but... who knows. he's relevant in EM. our conversations have been fun and i'm really hoping to get close to him because he seems chill. timmy - i know timmy from tumblr. currently he's not that great socially but i do like him and we have a long ass snapchat streak. there are a few tumblrs in this game but afaik i don't have any bad blood with him so i'm def planning on roping him in. the most recent thing is he backdoored my mom's duo in his last org AKSGLDSG so... stan list. daniel - daniel knows me from a past org that i put no effort into, which i think is fine because i really only made it far since my duo/partner dragged me. i'mma play up a perception with him, but he is really cool as of now. i am SOOO worried that i did something bad or mean in that game and he's going 2 haunt me LOL. tim - tim is the person i've connected with most. he's really chill, actively messages me back, and is just fun and flirty. we've already talked about him and his potential boy, our favourite cereals and overall eating. i know him from tumblr too, but vaguely, but i was apart of the 'evil friendgroup' whereas he was on the other, 'nice friendgroup', but i'm hoping that has minimal impact if any. liam - liam is fine. i know him from FB but we've never interacted. he knows i played egypt so... if that's his perception of me.. i'm FLYING. he's really nice though + is a fellow canadian, so i'm hoping to get close to him. woo!! ally - saving the best for last. ally is really nice and i do like her a lot. she is sweet and like... we're great pals ?? ASGKDSG jk idk. we played a game together where i immunity ran final 6 onwards and voted her out twice (f4/3) and it left a bitterish taste in her mouth (but rightfully so for how i handled it). we are friends but i'm scared that she aint finna let me far. idk. i want her out soon bc she could do damage but i'd also be 10000% down to work with her again this game. WOOO idk. love u ally.

so that's the cast assessment. as for other stuff... well... the games fun. i hope some peoples lack of activity is just my paranoia rather than them hating me, because i don't want to come off as aggressive or anything, and in fact, i want to tone it down slightly this game AKSGDSGL. some dynamics/(matt please forgive me)meta this game include: alyssa / jess - a loyal duo in TS guyana. tim / stephen /// timmy - all tumblr girlies. not sure how close they are. i think stephen/tim were part of the 'nice friendgroup' on tumblr iirc. ally / fede - obvious friends, they literally FLIRT in the public VL (jokingly i imagine). they're both nice tho so maybe i make it a trio?? daniel / tj - rlly good friends i think. they're both zwooper kiddos and i think i played with both in that one zwooper game i played, not sure tho. will do research. miguel / liam / shea - idk how close they are but they are all FB-ish people so... i imagine they may have some thing. ally / karthik - i think

there's prob more but that's it for now. i'm not going to focus my game on that meta ^ whatsoever. i just need 2 keep in mind who's with who and who has some friends from before. idk. just a good mental note type thing. every game is a new slate tho so i'm not holding any preconceived notions abt them.

i really love everyone on my tribe thus far. can't wait till i become a bitch tho... i hope dat dont happen AKGLDSG

So, I'm really happy to be here. This is my 3rd or 4th time applying so I feel ready and excited to play! I was super happy to see Alyssa on my tribe as we get along super duper well. I like my tribe overall.

This first challenge has me a bit nervous. I started my new job today and they didn't give me a very long break for the hours I worked and my ankle and knee are really acting up (I broke my ankle in like 2014 and my knee in 2016 and they still hurt a lot sometimes). I'm worried because I'm not sure if I'm going to be physically able to like dance around and do crazy stuff like that. It sucks that the first challenge is something I can't physically.

I'm just hoping even if I don't do the best in the challenge that I can kind of make some strong social ties so I'm not the first one out if we lose. I feel really good about Alyssa, Luke, and Jake right now. My strategy is always just to be in everyones good graces. If nobody wants me out, I won't leave, that's the goal.

I was finally able to get part of my submissions from my challenge submitted and I plan on doing more tomorrow. I have been speaking with most of my tribe mates and I'm liking them a lot. I did get a bit of a late start so I'm worried some alliances might have formed but, it's all part of the game. I have good relations with Shea and Jake and I hope to further relations with Miguel and Federico so I have some solid foundations to work with and so I can hopefully have some numbers in case we go to tribal. I'm also proud of myself for going on camera multiple times for the video portion of the challenge as it was something I would have never considered doing in past orgs I have played.

I'm not the best with confessionals, but I'll try my best! I'm quite enjoying these people so far, and I've really connected well with Zach, Jess, Ally, Karthik and Tim. That being said, I don't wanna really worry about allies just yet, winning is the first priority.

So me and the tribe are getting along pretty well! The challenge is going ok so far but I still want to try and win! It seems as if we lose its Karthik.. but who knows!! Its time for fun pals and gals.

Talking with Luke about not wanting to go to tribal first but I’m low key channeling Aubrey and would love to solidify an alliance as early as possible, which tribals help with.

I'm sad that we lost although I expected to lose and I'm actually quite glad that Karthik got sent to the basement. This means they are safe without me having to campaign for them. The person with the 2nd lowest score, Timmy, should be on the chopping block to my knowledge. I'm lowkey ok with this bc he doesnt contribute much to convos…

Ahh this game has been amazing for me so far! We won the immunity challenge so I won’t have to vote anyone out! I have made genuine connections with many people in the tribe and I got kind of separate deals with, Stephen, Federico, Shea and Luke so I think they have my back. I have also talked a lot with TJ and Jake but no deal or alliance have been made with them. But as a group I don’t have like a group of allies yet just 1 on 1 alliances. In case we lose I would try to vote out either Isaac or Alyssa.

First day is over, and I can't be more relieved. I love the fact that I cannot be the first voted out, and even more, I love that I feel as if I've made some good connections so far. I really think Alyssa and I will be able to work well together. Yes, we have some stuff to work out from before, but I want it to work out such that we can work together throughout this game. I really like Federico and LH, and I'm hoping things stay this way for the time being. I'd like to keep winning, but when that time comes that we lose, I need to be ready.

Okay. Buckle up bitches. It's story time

Just kidding..

So far I'm trying to connect with every single person individually.

Being put on a tribe with the guy who I literally got out in another game less than a month ago is a mood.... I'm working EXTRA HARD on making sure Tim likes me and trusts me. I'm going to use the fact that I'm a loyal a$$ bitch here and hope he thinks I would ride to him to the end (Honestly I probably would. I LOVE TIM).

Other than Tim the other people I'm vibing with so far are my two Canadian QUEENS: Zach and Aly. Aly seems like she can pop-off at any second but so far she seems like someone I can work with going forward. Zach on the other hand needs to STOP BRINGING UP GUYANA. For some reason he's praising me which NORMALLY I'D LOVE because I don't think the words: Jess, Praise, and Guyana have ever been said....but he's putting a target on my back.

Other than my Canucks... I really like Stephen but he's intro SCARES ME. He seems like he's going to cause some chaos down the line...

Everyone else has spoken maybe about 30 words total to me? so yikes.

TOODLES XOXOXO

Well we just lost the challenge ;( I’m hinestlg not feeling too safe at the moment. I was one of the lower scoring players on the tribe, and the lowest was sent to the basement. Right now I feel like a sitting duck. But on the bright side, I think I made a decent connection with Zach and Timmy. So I’m just gonna talk around find out a vote. If it’s not me yay! If it is, then I’ll just have to somehow fight my way through it :p

Woooo first confessional!! I'm liking the start of this game, and I've decided to take it a bit lighter than past games. I'm here to have fun. This doesn't mean I'm not ready to strategize, but maybe the lighter tone will help me not fall under the same mistakes I always make.

I'm getting closer to Miguel and Shea, which is bad if you consider they were the lowest scores in the challenge... They better start getting more involved in this!!!

The fireplace is on. The tea is warm. I'm getting cozy, and I'm not gonna move any time soon…

So I've gotten a chance to talk with most of the people on my tribe. Right now, my closest ally is probably Karth. We have an established history of working well together, and right now, were searching for the idol together. I'm also pretty close with Ally and Zach, and trying to get closer with Jess, though I can't tell if she thinks I'm too gamebotty or not. Ally, Zach, and Jess also seem to have some kind of relationship with each other. Idk if it's an alliance but it's something. In light of this, I'm going to be trying to get closer with Tim, Dan and Liam. I think Tim and Liam know Jess though so that might be a hurdle I need to deal with. Someone I've left out of this discussion is Timmy. I've talked with every voter so far except Dan, and they all seem okay with letting him go. There's always paranoia that they're all just playing me, but I really doubt it is gonna be the case here. My biggest worry now is what position I'll end up in if we keep losing challenges.

HELLO. Okay so we won the Selfie Scavenger Hunt which is GOOD. Someone I don’t know got sent to isolation for the other tribe but that’s fine. TJ and I were kind of on the same page of sending Jess to keep her safe which is good that we are!! She’ll be fine though because she did the best in the selfie scavenger hunt, unsurprisingly. Haven’t really talked game with anyone besides TJ because there’s hasn’t yet been a need to, but I’ve been having personal conversations with most of my tribe! Isaac just messaged me today which I think is the last one. But yeah! Things are going okay! Woo!

So me and Jess are officially aligned! I shared my idol grid with her and we talked about our tribemates. I really haven't connected with everyone but I have at least talked to them. It appears as if the vote will be Timmy unless someone magically pulls out the idol and plays it on him or the vote somehow flips on to someone else. The scary part is that Timmy is being quiet asf.... and I have no idea what is up his sleeve. The basement twist is gonna be really scary next round if we lose and someone can be sent back to the basement twice in a row…

omg hii.. i love my tribe so far tbh!!! i feel close to zach, karth, stephen, jess, and liam. i feel like i’m in an okay spot. i feel a lil weird about playing with a couple of these ppl again - zach and i played in ts and he killed me in 3rd and won the game, and i played with stephen in embb4 and as, i got him out in embb4 and he got me out in all stars lol.... i’m hoping no past game beef comes into play but we’ll see! i’m voting timmy out this tribal, he hasn’t said a word to me so... Shrug Emoji. hopefully everything goes according 2 plan ! i’m glad karth was “exiled” cuz i think he would’ve been a target and i don’t want that. i’ll do a more in depth and full cast analysis l8r~

Oh Timmy.. I want to keep you safe but I also want to take out any possible people Alyssa can work with in the future... you made the mistake of telling me you brought her into the ORG world jkjk. Sorry <3

ON THE REAL THOUGH.... I can't stick my neck out for someone on DAY 3. If the tribe wants Timmy's neck I gotta help deliver it. I just wish he was more SOCIAL because he would def be someone I would like to work with <3

I came into this game, saw Shea, and had an absolute fucking breakdown djdhdjdj. Like who am I? I need to get it together and push in the challenges because I didn’t help with the first one at all because seeing Shea just did something to me? Like? I’m going to try to put more effort in moving forward but right now I feel like Aubry in Kaoh Rong when she had that attack, hopefully I can recover as well as she did.

Why is Daniel trying so hard to save Timmy akdjsjs. Just... let him go in peace plz... also I'm Timmy starting to talk to people for the 1st time since the day of the vote..

I'm ready to punch a bitch. I have no idea what is happening with this tribal and I just hope it's not me. I keep hearing about the "majority" and people want to vote with the "majority" but nobody is saying who it is and what it is just that they don't want to be the one to say a name. So I'm being forced to say Liam because that's easier than Stephen even though Stephen was the one saying my name, but honestly it is what it is, I haven't spoken to Liam so I don't care that much. I just don't get why people play if they're just going to hide behind someone else because that's so stupid, like just play for you. I'm not just saying that because they're going against me, but like where has Liam been and also Stephen is the most vocal right now and he is going to be a problem later on, I can already tell.

Timmy is voted out 6-2.

[thequeern]

you like me better when i'm high

blurry eyed squinting at the world

its the only time you can even stand to be

around me

to smile and laugh

and scoff

always the scoff

when i blink and blink

confused by something i see

not knowing if something is real or not

that poster on the wall

is too far for my blurry eyes

the text blurs

i can't see any words

but its fascinating

so when i stop and stare

and marvel at the world

you laugh

when i speak and stop

unable to bring my thoughts into words

unable to bring my thoughts from

vague notions into being

you laugh

when was the last time you laughed around me?

probably before we broke up

probably half a week before we broke up

when i was on top of you

shirt off

breast bare

my mouth on you

your mouth on mine

fumbling and fumbling

i guess i thought it would be ok

i guess sex or kissing or what ever base we got to

(it was never further than second)

meant more to you than to me

and i'm sorry for taking that from you

for not giving it the love you probably hoped it would have had

but that relationship obviously meant different things to different people

too different people

that was us

when once there was chemistry now there is not

now i need to alter the chemistry of my brain

for there to even be a hope of a conversation

for there to even be any contact

for there to be more than a 2 star of social media

i wouldn't rate you five stars

not anymore

but would i have ever really

i know you like me better when im high

i like you better when im high too

my vision blurry tunneling in

the past and pain seemed to have been torn away

suddenly its as if nothing had ever happened

THC erased my memory

when it took me to space,

high above the atmosphere

the pressure so much in my ears

my head explodes into the vacuum

cotton wool replacing my eardrums

a boat replacing my body

swaying from side to side

tethered to the ground by a thin rope

my only safeguard against the vacuum of space

of course you didn't see me like this

we're not friends anymore

no matter how much he tries

he pushes us together

with tarot he reads

just to berate us into action

well he should be happy

we finally interacted in a meaningful way

when my thoughts were half formed

you liked me better

a shell of myself

the outer happy shell

one with no troubles beyond the superficial

cold hands

wet hair and coat

raindrops stuck to my glasses

and a person

half formed

recovering from her trip to space

you like the astronaut

the astronaut isn't me

not all the time

so did you like the idea of me

just as i liked the idea of you