#stop myself. 6am is not the time to be doing anything with any kind of theory sources. zak BEHAVE

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

I witnessed something kind of heartbreaking and kind of infuriating today, so here's a vent about it

Trigger warning for animal cruelty, and for... just a really fucking sad situation, I guess

Also, the events here are not entirely in order, it's been a fucking emotional roller coaster of a day and I'm writing this at... well I don't remember what time it was when I started but it's 5am 6am now, I had to get it all out into words outside my head and there was only so much editing I could do on my current level of brainpower, so some of what I say in here will make more sense once you read further

Things had been going well enough. Unexpectedly well, actually. We had planned to see my grandparents this weekend and we took one of our dogs with us and stopped for coffee on the way and just generally made a day of it, got to the campground they're staying at and got to hang out with them and their puppy and my aunt and uncle and baby cousin, we all had lunch and my granddad took a few of us out on the boat to ride around the lake, which I had been looking forward to

All in all it had been a really nice day

But someone had the idea to go check out the campground's petting zoo, and well, things went pretty severely downhill from there

We were walking around the back of the sheds beside a more open enclosure, I was sort of lagging behind so I hadn't seen yet what was causing a disturbance, but I caught up to my grandma right as she was about to call the management of the place, saying it looked like a mama goat was in distress and asking if they were aware

Basically what this lady told her over the phone was "oh yeah we know, she's probably not going to make it, she just had triplets and there's not really anything we can do" and I guess she was like, grossly nonchalant about it, based on my grandma's description

I hadn't heard it all, just enough to know there was something going on with a mama goat, she wasn't doing well, and that the management knew about it

I think I hadn't fully processed it yet, as I was missing chunks of context and I hadn't actually seen it for myself, because I thought vaguely "oh that's kinda sad," but once I took in the full situation?

When I tell you I was devastated-

I got past the clumsy wooden walls to the open part of the pen, where there was a goat lying on her side, seemingly unable to move but for a feeble kick of her legs every now and then and the rolling of her eyes. She had collapsed- presumably- outside her shelter, in the hot, bright sun, left unshielded from the elements and unable to even get any water to cool down, as she lay slowly dying out in the open for all to see, alone but for the tiny, fragile kids that depended on her for their own survival. There was a small tub of water in the pen, but the nanny couldn't get up to walk over to it, and it was too tall to be of any use to the kids. I watched one of them push at it, trying to knock it over with his itty bitty head.

My mom, who's been a major animal person since childhood, was very much not ok with the whole scene (neither were the rest of us, but she sort of led the way). She went into the pen, along with me, my sister, and my aunt, while my grandma kept trying to figure out if anyone who worked here gave a shit about the animals in their care

There's a gap here where I lost track of what everyone else was doing. I was busy approaching the little goat by the water tub, tipping it enough for him to get a drink, and then fending off his repeated attempts to eat my shoelaces. He was a hell of a cute little guy, and trouble right out the gate. I was a bit caught up in his adorable antics for a moment, but the instant attachment I felt toward the little guy would end up making the rest of our time there all the more painful as I considered his bleak future through a lens of irrational, protective affection. I scooped him up in my arms so he'd stop chasing my laces and we could focus on the more serious problem at hand without tripping over him

Her baby in my arms, I turn my attention back to the suffering mama goat. My mom dips her cupped hand in the tub of water and offers it to the nanny, to one of the kids, and we follow her example. I stand between the nanny and the harsh sunlight and arrange first my sister and later my aunt to stand beside me and cover her body more effectively in shadow, offering her some small respite in whatever ways we can.

The matrons of my family are fighting the good fight with the campsite workers, over the phone as well as in person- once someone finally deigned to show up- much more calmly than I possibly could have done, but it's obvious to us my mom is furious (as she should be).

As for me, over the course of all of it, taking in the scene- the ailing creature at my feet, the knowledge that she wasn't expected to survive, that her and her kids were virtually being left to starve or succumb to illness or bake to death in the sun, that these babies might watch their mother die and wither away beside her, all while some dirtbag humans who either had no fucking clue what they were doing or just didn't care and in any case had no right to possess these animals practically stood by and did nothing but bitch at the witnesses with hearts- I was crying. I kept crying, on and off and on again. I kept having to look away just to get control of myself. At one point I was slipping dangerously into a fit of public sobbing and had to bite down so hard on the skin of my wrist that I'm pretty sure there are still marks now, almost twelve fourteen hours later.

The woman who eventually showed up reiterated that the nanny had had triplets and that there wasn't much they could do, and when my mom tried to argue with her, she started pulling shit like asking my mom if she even had any animals of her own, suggesting she didn't know what she was talking about, and stating that "sometimes nature just has to take its course"

First of all, my mom has had animals most of her life. Maybe not farm animals, but still.

Second and more importantly in terms of relevance and knowledge, our next door neighbor literally raises goats. My mom is always home and talks to this woman a lot; she's seen and heard plenty about these goats and their care, and has in fact helped birth new kids when one of the goats went into labor while the owner was MIA.

She also had done her research and prepared and overall been very aware and responsible when one of our dogs had a litter of puppies, and under her prepping and care all ten puppies and their mom survived and were healthy.

So like. Don't fucking say my mom doesn't know what she's talking about, when you literally leave your animals in a state in which they don't even have access to the most basic of necessities for survival and she actually does have a background with the type of situation at hand.

Also, our neighbor's goats have had multiples and been ok with a little bit of assistance when necessary, so them suggesting that her health was a lost cause purely on the principle of her having had triplets is highly suspicious and their general evasiveness, nonchalance, and obvious oversights make it seem pretty damn clear which party doesn't fucking know what they're doing

And, what the fuck do you mean "nature just has to take its course???" Like yeah ok sometimes things go wrong sometimes animals get hurt or sick and they die and that's just a part of life, but this isn't the fucking wild, this is a setting where you have chosen to be responsible for these animals, their lives and welfare literally depend on you and it is your responsibility to take that seriously and to provide for them and not to just let a mother fucking suffer a slow agonizing death and let the babies starve.

If you really have tried treating her like you say (doubtful) and if the owner/boss of the place is really a vet (highly doubtful), then why the hell are you allegedly unable or unwilling to put the poor thing out of her misery? No seriously they told us the owner was a vet, and then turned around and told us they couldn't euthanize the goat when my mom said that that would be the more humane thing to do. Literally the least you could do here, and as my dad pointed out, even if for some reason their "vet" boss didn't have access to the necessary drugs, they could just shoot her. It would be quicker, it would be over

Someone was sent out to carry the goat to the office (for some reason? I don't know what their plan was from there) but she wasn't strong enough to carry her that far, she said she'd have to wait for so-and-so to get back so he could carry her instead, but in the meantime she at least dragged the nanny into the shade of the shed. It would probably be her final resting place. We found a smaller container elsewhere in the pen and filled it with water for the kids, but it won't do them much good on the 2 feedings per day the office promised us they'd be receiving (newborn kids need to be fed at the very least 4 times a day).

Unfortunately we had predetermined plans set for that evening that involved other people, so we couldn't stay any longer, we had to get home. Before we left, my sister and I carried the babies into the shed to be with their mother for however much time she had remaining, my mom rushing us, getting snappy in the way she has a tendency to do when she's distressed and taking her anger out on the wrong people, because it's socially acceptable to be impatient and harsh with your own kids but it's not to cuss out other adults in public, even if they really deserve it. I could barely speak but I croaked out a "we're coming" laced with a reflexive returning bite, my own defensive tendency to the pattern. I tried to plant a kiss on the furry head of the kid I was holding but I was shaky and I think I missed; I whispered to him "I hope they don't let you starve," bit back another sob, set him down and walked away

I think this whole thing was like. A canon event for me. I just really genuinely don't understand how someone can be so indifferent to the lives in their care, when we- a random group of strangers who hadn't known any of these goats even existed until then- were so thoroughly caught up and distraught over their fate that we stood with a dying animal and did whatever precious little we could with none of their alleged credentials or experience or resources. Where are your fucking ethics? Where is your humanity? It is your job to do something about this and yet you sound like you're mad at us for trying to get you to do just that. God I want those goats to be ok, and I also want that petting zoo to be shut down and all the animals relocated to homes that will actually care for them. But life isn't fair, and that isn't what will happen, and chances are those babies are going to lose their mother- if they haven't already, by now- and then their lives, and the people responsible will just continue about their own, unchanged. How can you be unchanged? You probably knew those goats' names. I didn't have even that much information and yet I cried for them like they were my own. I will never understand you, and I don't want to

[blackink-onpaper]

The Descend and the Resurface

Damian Hart (Beyblade) x OC

Summary: OC comes from a complex background, and in the midst of trying to save it all and help her family she enters a strange arrangement, which will change her life forever.

Masterlist 🖤

Tags: Beyblade, Beyblade Metal Masters, Julian Konzern, Jack, Damian, OC, Gingka Hagane, team Starbreaker, team Excalibur, dr. Ziggurat, Hades Inc.

A/N: Hope you enjoy! Also, please let me know what you think so far! It means a lot to me!

Chapter 8

I let out a huge sigh as I entered my room, contemplating for a good few minutes what I should do. How could I be so stupid? What did I expect, if not exactly this? I was even contemplating going to Ziggurat’s office to tell him about this, but I doubt it would gain me any real respect from the boys. At that moment, there was a ring on my door. After a moment of figuring out how to open it, the door revealed Zeo’s face:

“Can I come in?”

“Yes of course” I rushed to hide my silk nightgown that was visible in my suitcase: “you’re the nicest one anyway”

“Camila, I don’t know what to tell you” he sighed, sitting down at my desk to rest his leg: “I’ve been here only two years, and only 13 months of which have been with Starbreaker. Jack’s been here 4 years, and Damian I don’t even know.”

I felt as if Zeo was trying to make ammends for people who didn’t deserve it: “What does that have to do with anything?”

He paused, as if he was not sure if he was allowed to say what he wanted to say. With struggle in his voice, which he lowered considerably, he continued: “The arrangements change you. They alter your personality in some ways.”

I stood there, equally confused and shocked. Zeo continued with in a low voice: “All I’m trying to say is, I know exactly what you’re going through right now, I’m not defending Damian in any way, or Jack for that matter, but I’ve seen myself do things not much different to them.” He paused: “I’ve seen myself want to do things that are really bad.”

Silence settled in the room, not uncomfortable, but the silence that follows big and unsettling secrets.

“Zeo, can I help you in some way?” I asked softly, I wasn’t sure what to say really.

“I don’t know” he released a big, heavy sigh: “but I am kind of glad you’re here. It changes things.” We smiled at each other, I even wanted to give him a hug, but seeing as I just met him I felt like it might have been innapropriate.

“Should I go upstairs?” I asked, unsure of what to do, or how to handle the situation.

“Damian left right after you, I think he went into his room. Maybe Jack is still in the common room.” We sat in silence again for a minute, before he continued: “but actually, it’s almost lunch time.”

“What does a daily schedule look like for you guys?”

“Wake up at 6AM, 7AM breakfast, physical training, lunch, bey training, arrangement, then a few hours of recovery, or the tournament obviously. By 8 or 9PM we are alseep from exhaustion from the arrangement… it makes you more tired.”

“And weekends?”

“Same thing” Zeo looked at my suitcase: “we follow the same schedule almost always, we change it only for pursuits, battles and other projects.”

I sighed this time: “it sounds horrible, you guys have no free time”

“Jack and Damian have more free time than me, because they are more compatible with the arrangement. It doesn’t hurt them as much as it hurts me” he stopped himself with a grip, as if he was going to say something he didn’t want to: “So I need more recovery time.”

I felt completely alien to this even though I was with Julian for years: this was a completely different world. I did not know how to comfort Zeo, if I should even comfort him considering he probably signed up for this himself. I felt uncomfortable seeing him suffer, and I sensed tragedy and pain in him. I got up slowly, and hugged him tight. Although I couldn’t see his face, I assume he was shocked because his breathing pattern changed, halting before becoming more relaxed: “thank you.”

“I sensed you haven’t got a hug in a long time!” I joked, but just as the last words came out of my mouth I realised it might have been insensitive: “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re right” he slowly broke away from the hug: “I kind of forgot it’s normal to be close to people in that way.” He paused again, because his smart watch transmitted a voice message. “Mr. Abyss, your lunch is served in your quarters” a female voice said: “well, that’s me I guess” he stood up, walking over to the door before looking over his shoulder, halting with what he wanted to say again before just walking out.

Upon returning to the common room, I found Jack having his lunch: “Do you mind if I join?”

“Of course not!” he gestured with his hand. I walked over and sat down, observing that Zeo really wasn’t joking about how much they need to eat. Jack’s plate had salad, several vegatables, a lot of meat and rice covered in some sauce, and even though it looked very nice it had no smell whatsoever:

“Don’t worry about Damian” he patted his mouth with a napkin: “He is a very taunting personality, but he is harmless… somewhat. And he would not defy Ziggurat in a milion years.”

I paused for a second, before firmly deciding I wanted to change the subject: “How do you feel about the battle with Gan Gan Galaxy?”

“Oh I am fine” he cut a piece of the steak and pierced it with his fork: “on the morning of the match all three of us have an arrangement session, so we’re ready.” He smiled before taking a bite off his fork.

“Does it hurt? The arrangements?”

He paused until he finished chewing: “Depends. Zeo suffers from the side-effects, but I’m sure he already told you that” he said in a rude tone, before picking up again: “I tolerate it very well although sometimes I feel a burning sensation, like electricity jolting through my veins” he proceeded to cut his food: “and Damian’s fine, he’s gotten used to it probably.”

“Is he here the longest?”

Jack squinted his eyes at me in a sneaky way, revealing a beautiful eyeshadow colour on his lids: “wouldn’t you like to know?” I remained silent and deliberately made a bored look on my face.

“Are you watching our demonstration tomorrow morning?” Jack changed the subject

“I wasn’t aware of it until now, of course I’ll come” It’s not like I have anything else to do around here, I thought to myself: “what’s the demonstration for?”

“Before big battles we fight with all the top bladers in HD academy to train, if they win” he chuckled at this point, as if it was impossible: “they get to replace the member who lost, but that obviously hasn’t ever happened.”

“And if they lose?”

“Well, absolute destruction to their Beys and confidence probably” Jack shrugged his shoulders, I was repeatedly shocked how calmly, and matter-of-fact Starbreaker spoke of their skill and power, without any respect to other Bladers:

“Did you have this before battling Excalibur as well?”

Jack burst out laughing manically: “Please!” He wiped an invisible tear from his eyes theatrically: “Has watching the match not been enough for you?”

“Yes I suppose it has…” I sighed: “too much even.”

“Love is so beautiful but so pathetic” Jack sighed as well: “I mean, I personally enjoyed watching him lose so pathetically, even with two aids!”

“Jack” I gave him a warning look, his voice was getting too excited talking about all the Starbreaker victories, and I wasn’t up for this conversation. When he saw my glare, he calmed down and studied my face more closely: “you are actually very beautiful, Camila”

“Thank you Jack, I appreciate the ‘actually’” I said sarcastically. He slid his plate away and came extremely close to my face, studying it with a crazy look in his eyes: “yes… yes… your visage is very unique! Reminiscent of a… of a sad noble statue!”

I scoffed, moving a bit further away: “Sad noble statue, this is really a first…”

“No! No! You must pose for me!” He made big gestures with his hands: “I have not had a muse since Befall!” he said, showing me his Bey, which resembled a shiny precious ruby in his gloved hand: “Please, let me paint you.”

“Okay…” I said, scooting away from him again: “but nothing weird okay? No nude or something?”

“Of course not” he stood up slowly, walking around the conversation pit: “Nude is for the artists who are afraid of capturing something more than just flesh!”

Surprisingly, I actually agree with him on this: “I agree Jack… Do you love art?”

“DO I??” He gasped enthusiastically, and I knew his lunch was long forgotten at that moment.

[jen290302]

the shoots day 2&3 - adultolescence

DAY 2&3 - PENICUIK

The morning of our first shoot at the skatepark we had to hold off going, we had planned for the call time to be 6am so we could be set up by 7.30am and have 8 hours of shooting before the schools came out. but we hadn’t heard anything from Lothian council about permission despite Alana pestering them for weeks. In the morning there was a big panic and we were trying to find other locations, calling the council non stop and planning to reshoot. Eventually a man at the council gave us his verbal permission, probably to get us to stop pestering him but he gave us his name and contact number incase anyone asked us. We set off at around 10ish and managed to get going!! Day 1 was the only day we had Lachlan (one of our only extras and PA) so we used this to our advantage and filmed the scenes which we need him for the group. This was scene 4 when Robbie comes in and scene 6 when the water is splashed. Despite the late start I was feeling really positive!!! The way we worked through scenes would be I would work with Cal and decide the best place for the Scene to take place geographically in the skatepark and then figure out how the blocking would work, we then would get John in with the camera and direct the camera movements to check that it would all work out. I then brought the actors on with just myself and them and talked them through the blocking and performances. Prior to this the actors were running lines together to get into the rhythm of it. We then rehearsed with camera and actors and let sound know what the scene blocking would be. Once everyone knew what they were doing we went for takes. We did this for every scene and periodically me and Cal would look at the schedule/shot list to ensure we were getting the right coverage.

We didnt really run into any issues on set, we used the van as a kind of base where we had lunches and kept the kit while we were using it, someone was always in the van ensuring this was safe.

Our biggest issue was the sun and the clouds, caused the shots to look a little uneven as some shots the sun was out and some were overcast, we were lucky to not have any rain on the days we were filming outside.

School kids would pass and we had some wee bams come after school asking us when we were done but after we explained we would only be another 15 mins we tied their shoelaces for them and they were in their way.

Another issues on set was the gain force winds which we encountered, which made me slightly worried for sound, Tom just made sure the lav mics were well places for minimal rustle as he knew that would be a lot of what he was goino to have to use due to the windy boom.

Here are some pics from set and BTS by lovely @rplayford02

#filmproject

[biancaezperanzaanapaula]

Today April 7, 2023 at 3:41am

I have yet again opened up about myself to a friend. These past few days have been very noticeably tiring and depressing. I feel so shitty these days. Something's changing with me. I get so emotional and my anxieties are getting stronger. I thought I handled it or overcome it over the time. I did maybe, at some point. I had forgotten about my anxieties for a while when I'm working. My work right now is triggering something inside me. I'm on a work from home basis. I have a lot of time for myself now, plenty of sleep, and earning more money. But then again, there's one thing I hate from this kind of work from home set up. It made me lazy to the bones. It made me super lazy that I wake up just to open my laptop and then turn it off when I'm about to sleep. It's like there's nothing in between me and work anymore. I work unreasonably late, and I wake up at a extraordinary late. And it does not feel good at all. My body is going down. My body clock is officially broken. With work going on, it had been very stressful, I feel so pressured at my work to be honest. Cuz I don't know what to do. I had been stress eating which I can feel that I have gained weight. On weekends, I would rather lay in bed all day sleeping, not even thinking of eating on weekends just sleep. Cuz I feel so drained and so fucking tired for the whole week. But then regretting it by the time Monday came, cuz I didn't do anything on the weekend. I have not been very productive on my day offs. I absolutely did nothing for the whole day. And that makes me feel like shit. It sucks. I don't have the energy. I don't even go and buy decent food to eat cuz my laziness. I can even not have a shower for 3 days, but still I change clothes tho, but heck, it's worst. I don't have that motivation lately. I was not taking care of myself. And I would feel terrible about it, for not having to do anything at all for the whole day.

I didn't realize it at first, but as time passed. It's growing on me. It's triggering me somehow. Everything. Even this friend of mine, he's triggering one of my emotions that just hurts the hell out of me which is stupid to think of me. I was self sabotaging. Yes. I am. Overthinking. But then just shuts down people. Especially my family. I hate myself for ignoring them, for not answering their calls and messages. Am I a terrible person now? What kind of a cousin, a sister, a daughter am I? That I can just easily ignore them. Like am I detaching myself from them? Not answering any of their calls and texts. Who does that? That's not normal, yet I can do that to them. Then just making excuses. But at the same time, it's just hard to answer them when I'm so stressed at work and so pressured with work and with them.

Yes, I feel so pressured at my family. This is because, since I have this new job that pays well. I may have promised to renovate our house back home, that I will loan a big amount of money. Which I can do and will do. However I need more time. But since they got the idea now, it's just so hard when they slipped some questions on when will I provide the money for the renovation. When? When? When? I couldn't answer yet, since I myself, is dealing with myself too. I can't get myself to go to that Goddamn government office to loan cuz I was too tired from work. I wake up only minutes before my shift start, and then do massive overtime until the only thing that stops me from working is when I have to go to bed and sleep. What kind of set up is that? Right?

But then again, I know what I have to do, I know what I needed to do. But I'm doing nothing, it's always, "mamaya nalang", "may bukas pa". I'm procrastinating real bad. I didn't have the discipline on my own body anymore. And I fucking hate it.

And then, there are nights where I couldn't get myself to sleep. It would take me 4am or even worst 6am to finally fall asleep. But I get into bed like 2am after my work. And in between those 2am laying in bed to 6am falling asleep. I'm overthinking. My thoughts are over flowing, about the past and some other stuffs. I would have random thoughts. I would even cry at night or touch myself, then cry again to myself asleep. Me bursting into tears are my emotions that are put of control. I would just scroll through my phone and when I see something sad, I initially get sad and then the rest is history. It would brought up my dead grandmothers and dead uncle and I would instantly cry and just self pitty. And hate myself for not being there for my family. And like questioning myself am I going depressed? It feels like every night nowadays I cry. I feel sad. I feel so alone. I feel so detached from everything. For the first time of living independently alone for almost 7years. I feel so alone. I feel so sad. I don't think I'm happy with my life right now.

I even wonder, what if I have someone, i didn't live alone. Would it be different? Ofcourse it would. Cuz then, I would have someone to talk to. I wouldn't have all these thoughts to myself.

I'm afraid now of being alone. Because I feel like any minute I would have an anxiety attack or panic attacks and I have no one with me. I am worried about myself now these days. But before, I was just an easy go, happy go lucky gal, day to day. But now I'm afraid and worried. One time my boss asked me during our one on one session, how am I doing with the work from home set up and the new job and new apartment etc. I said fine, managing, adjusting. Then she said, "how about your family? Don't you miss them". And you know what I said, "Not really" so casually. And that kinda surprised her, she may think I was like kidding like "really you don't miss them". And then I said, "Cuz I don't think about them, I don't think about them, that's why I don't miss them". I kinda said that a bit in a humor manner. But still. Shit! I said that so easily. But in my defense, I think in a way, I just wanted to look cool or like portray that I'm a strong woman or something. But that's all bullshit. Thinking about it. I regretted saying those words. How can I say those words so casually. I actually said, I don't think about them that's why I don't miss them. Hearing it over and over in my head. That somehow scared me. It made me sick. That I wanted to cry. I'm the worst. And then I would feel all these emotions again over and over. One thing, I would over care too much, overthinking, then there's one thing when like it's nothing to me. And that's what I'm more afraid of. Like I'm in this swings of emotions. On and off. And when it's off, I shut down. I shut down everything. Not caring. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Sometimes I feel like I need a therapist. I need help. I need support. I need to do something before it gets worst. My friend told me, I should at least share what I'm going through if this is really depression, I should share it with my family. And he said that if I tell them, they would understand. And that hit me hard. That hit the nail. I have a great family. My Ma&Pa would understand, my brothers would understand and support me they would want to hear from me. I'm just so afraid. To look weak. To cry. I can't even run to them for help. And that hurts me so bad.

What am I going to do?

[actualbird]

First of all! Hello, Hello!!! Hope you're doing well!

Regarding your - Artem has the oldest daughter vibes - post. HE'S TRANS YOUR HONOUR!!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! 😂❤️

But in all seriousness, I gave it some thought and out of all of them, Artem being trans would make the most sense? Just the way he is as a person? You know? *Vaguely gestures with my hands*. One thing that stood out to me was how touched starved and touch averse he seemed? I know it's contradictory but as much as I remember, he was always hesitant to touch Rosa and would be an absolute mess when touched by her?

So what if, it's because he doesn't want to make others uncomfortable with his touch, especially if it's a woman? (And especially if he likes that woman). Because he was made uncomfortable by others, in this case mostly men, when he was younger? I've noticed that most men are far more likely to just casually touch women? Even if the touch isn't sexual/romantic in nature? Like a brush of a hand here, holding a woman's waist while you're passing her in a tight space? Like, you wouldn't do that to a man, so... Artem is just very aware? Like, aware too much, to a point where he can never relax among others?

I might be projecting too much! So please ignore this if you don't agree! It's just something I noticed! Me and my trans friend, we talked about something similar recently - noticed that he would be a bit hesitant to be more physically affectionate with me and we had a long conversation about it!

And... I haven't touched the game in about half a year! 😅 I still love the game! I just "play" it vicariously through you! 😂 So there might have been more things revealed about Artem I'm not aware of!

Please take care! ❤️

- The Hibiscus anon! 🌺 I'M NOT DEAD! 😂

irt despite being a man, artem is eldest daughter all girls catholic school student vibes

oh my gosh, HIBISCUS!! HI HI :DDD!! it's awesome to hear from u again and i hope ur doing well!!!

while i am in no way an artem expert (thats sam) and am pretty behind on his cards, i still shake ur hand so much cuz UR SO RIGHT.

like, listen. at this point ive got a schrondinger's headcanon where certain members of the nxx team or the ENTIRE team is simultaneously not trans or definitely trans/experiencing gender in a non-cis way. yes they are. all the time. but only when it sparks joy in me. also all the time. do u understand, i understand. still, i deffo understand and adore why artem also gives of trans vibes.

like, so much of artem's extreme carefulness with matters of the heart or even just matters of relating to other people personally, the fact that he goes about this in a meticulous and often overthinking manner because he hasnt done it/gotten the chance to experience it much before is something that resonates a lot with a bunch of queer identities. the fact that he holds a lot of himself and his personality/interests close and not many people know him on a personal level, that also resonates with queer experiences. the fact that certain things that are "obvious" to other people are things that are not as obvious to him, also queer (and also also something i like to interpret as a neurodivergent trait, but thats a whole other ask response). hell, even the notion that artem is doing things "later" than is usually expected (like romance).

all of these things (which i guess can be mushed into the over-arching statement of "over-thinking because we didnt experience the world on the usual timeline many other people experience and thus we have to be extra careful to avoid failure") fit well with a BUNCH of queer experiences, methinks

(source: me. cuz im queer and i like artem)

additionally, i got reminded of this awesome response mariuscomehome wrote about artem viewed from a lesbian lens. i DEFINITELY recommend u read it!!!

//smacks artem like a car im selling. THIS GUY CAN FIT SO MUCH QUEERNESS INTO HIM!!!!!

i think i went off on a tangent here but yeah. ur so right. artem trans vibes too, whether it be for fitting theme/characterization reasons or just cuz headcanons are fun as hell anyway :'D

[dmwrites]

Gem was wandering around the community area, gardening as a stress relief, when she saw in the chat that Joe had died to a skeleton.

“AAAHHH oh hi Gem nice to see ya!” Joe appeared in the garden next to her, looking harried.

“Hi Joe! Do you need help? Do you want me to kill something?” Gem rose to her feet and wiped the dirt off of her hands.

“I wouldn’t want to bother your stress-gardening time.” Joe said.

“It’s okay! Killing mobs can also relieve stress!” Gem grabbed her sword.

“Thanks Gem!” Joe smiled at her and lead the way over to the cave he had been trekking through. Gem killed a bunch of zombies while Joe ran to his things. They both had to very quickly escape the cave after that because a horde of creepers decided to rain down on them.

“Man, that cave was intense!” Gem said, throwing a few more of Joe’s items at him. “Even you still look a little pale from it!”

Joe chuckled and looked away. “The monsters still get me I guess. Well, thanks for helping. See ya later!” He walked off rather fast and abruptly.

Joe’s troubles, however, seemed to continue. One, two, three times he fell off of his roof and died. On the third death message, Gem headed over to his house to make sure everything was okay.

Joe was picking up his items as she approached him, but something was definitively different about him. Most notably, she could see the brick wall that should have been blocked by his body.

“Joe? Are you… okay?”

Joe turned around to look at her with a wildly frustrated and surprised look on his face, which she could also see though.

“Ah, yes, I can understand why this might be distressing for you. It’s been so long since we had newcomers, I forgot you didn’t know.” Joe finished picking up his items. “Come inside, let me explain myself. I need a break from falling off of roofs anyway.”

He lead her inside and sighed. “I’m so sorry for all of this, it’s been quite the day for me too, if that’s any consolation. So, you may be looking at me and wondering why I am looking so light and airy. And more see-through then normal. All valid questions.”

“Joe, for goodness sake, stop doing a soliloquy and just tell the damn story.” Cleo fell through a hole in the ceiling and landed on the floor next to Gem. “I swear, he tells this story like he’s trying to reach the word count on an essay.”

“Cleo! Hey! How long have you been in my house?” Joe asked, looking tiredly at the new hole in the ceiling.

“I was rotting in your attic for like a whole day to see if that would improve my mental health. It did, which is good because you seem to be going through it extensively. Now tell Gem the story before we traumatize her more.”

“Fine, okay, abridged version. So way back in my meddling days I did some things that I shouldn't have to a person I should have stayed far away from. I didn’t stay away, and they cursed me for the rest of my life. Basically, whenever I die, like, for instance, falling off a roof, a percentile of my living being disintegrates. With every death, I become closer to the spirit world then this one, so I begin to loose color and transparency. And eventually, I lose my sense of self.”

“He turns green and malevolent. It’s funny.” Cleo said.

“And that all get resets once a day at 6am. An infinite death loop, an eternal punishment.” Joe sighed. “It’s become easier over time to deal with. Being transparent isn’t too bad, but the Other Joe isn’t my favorite. He likes to cause property damage and steal.”

“Joe… i don’t even know what to say.” Gem looked utterly bewildered.

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s old news to most. You can, however, now put your hand through my chest and grab a golden apple as a reward for helping me and bring so kind today.”

Gem did just that, and it was very weird to see her arm through Joe. He and Cleo waved Gem off.

“Watch out for green malevolent creatures!” Joe called, still very transparent.

“Like Shrek!” Cleo said.

“No, I don’t think Shrek is canonical to Hermitcraft, but honestly-” Joe’s voice cut out as Gem walked away.

Gem walked straight to Pearl’s house and kicked open the door.

“Pearl, holy shit, you’re not gonna believe what I just found out.”

[tarosin]

the great adventures of y/n, tommy, wilbur and phil

requested: yes/no

an: part 7 of the great adventures series - a rollercoaster of emotions

warnings: cursing, jokes about death (like the vlog) , didn’t proof read as its 6am sorry for any mistakes

it had been around a week since you last spoke to tubbo, the pair of you got into a heated argument and honestly you didn’t want to be anywhere near the boy. no one heard from you since you and tubbo blocked each other, ranboo would talk to you about how you need to forgive and forget and Tommy would do the same to tubbo eventually you unblocked each other however apart from that it was pretty much useless neither of you were willing to talk to the other person, it was just one of those things that needed time, soon enough you’d be friends again. at least you hoped that would be the case. later that day Wilbur sent you a message asking what time he should pick you up tomorrow not wanting to argue you let him know a time and went off to get ready for the night.

The car ride to Alton towers was pretty quiet the majority of the ride was spent playing random car games like eye spy or singing along to the radio as there was no traffic you got there rather quickly giving you longer in the park. you loved theme parks and Tommy knew this so he took the opportunity to invite you and get you out of the house, he also knew he would need the support. Phil began recording as you all made your way through the park the sky car was first so you could get to the other half of the park Tommy made it pretty clear he wasn’t the biggest fan of this and you and Wilbur didn’t help his cause by discussing the recent crash in Italy that killed a group of people, you pointed out all the rides you passed teasing Tommy whilst Wilbur interviewed him on why he wanted to hit 10 million subs, as soon as Tommy mentioned the girl from college your eyes widened and you sat trying not to laugh as Wilbur and Phil sat telling him to call her. Tommy looked at you trying to get back up but you responded by telling him you want to speak to her.

once off the sky car you stood with an arm around Tommy's shoulders as Wilbur spoke to the girl who you’re hoping is in on it and that they’re not calling up the poor girl unexpectedly. as soon as you were informed that her favourite ride was the smiler Tommy pulled you into a hug hiding his face in the crook of your neck

“Are you serious”

“you’ll be fine it’s the safest ride here...if you ignore the crash”

“y/nnnnn”

the four of you walked around the park looking for an easy rollercoaster as you make your way up to the smiler, the blade caught Wilbur's eye so the three of you made your way whilst Phil decided to stay back to record, you sat next to Tommy reassuring him that he’s going to be fine and how it can’t be that bad as a family with a young child got on the ride after you.

“if I pee myself will you laugh at me”

“yes..actually that’ll make it easier for me”

“Please don’t do that Wilbur”

“only for you y/n”

the ride started slowly however the speed soon picked up you sat laughing as Tommy went on to make references about technoblade and how he’s never going to die. soon enough the three of you began ‘singing’ the lyrics to road trip in an attempt to calm down a little bit. was it working? no. a few minutes later the ride came to an end as you made your way off of the ride you heard a child screaming about how fun it was

“awe”

“how is that six-year-old shouting I loved it”

“are we cowards”

“yes, yes you are”

you made it to Phil first and rambled on about how fun it was before Wilbur and Tommy made it to you both wanting to go home

on your journey to the next ride, Tommy pointed out claw machines and dragged you to them, Phil had a go first and didn’t win the dog Tommy wanted, you had a go determined to win however like Phil you didn’t win

“This is bullshit ill buy you a toy dog”

“Why are you never satisfied”

“Good question”

you walked away from the machines with the others Tommy complained that he was being forced to go on the rides, you pointed at the smiler and Wilbur announced you could all go on that now, the rest of the walk was pretty quiet after that. soon enough you were in the queue to go on duel, you were walking with Phil not realising that Wilbur was currently telling your best friend that he was going to die, the only reason you found out was because Tommy ran up to you asking if he was going to die

“Tommy, no who told you that... Wilbur stop laughing it’s not- it’s not funny”

“y/n you’re quite literally laughing”

you put your finger on your lips and walked off. you sat with Phil so you could have a break from Tommy screaming in your ear as soon as Tommy yelled there were guns the ride began, you weren’t the best at this ride you missed the target a few too many times than you’d like to admit, once the ride was over Tommy made the mistake of laughing about how low your score was you made eye contact with Tommy and placed your hand on his shoulder

“Tommy... you screamed at everything the entire way around. if that ride was any longer i’m afraid I’d lose my hearing”

“didn’t you also do shit Tommy”

“fuck off”

and with that you left the ride walking through the gift shop, you and Tommy were like little children picking up anything that was covered in bright colours, you and Tommy found a squishy monster and named it Clarence you ended up getting attached and Wilbur stayed with you as you paid for it whilst Phil and Tommy were leaving the shop

“Phil we lost y/n and Wilbur”

“sorry y/n got distracted”

you all continued walking to the next ride Tommy instantly got distracted by the dryer outside of the river rapids ride and spent a good few minutes asking to go into the dryer. at this point, you noticed another toy shop and ran off to that one whilst they argued with Tommy about the dryer a few minutes later you met up with them again as you began making your way to the next ride

“what I hate the most about Phil is his kindness”

“wasn’t kind enough to let me win on duel”

“I pray on his downfall”

Phil turned to you only to be met with you nodding as Tommy goes on to talk about hating his generosity

“Phil I've been thinking about you... it’s ruined my day”

“mine was ruined by Tommy screaming at stupid o clock in the morning”

“y/n it’s 12 pm”

“okay and I usually wake up at 3 pm this is early for me”

you stood in the queue for river rapids, as much as you wanted to make Tommy calm down you hated this ride and Wilbur saying there was a chance of drowning made you hate it even more

“y/n will we be fine”

“no this is horrifying I remember the incident where someone was dragged under a ride like this”

“Y/N”

“what are you two thinking about then”

“I’m thinking about the beyond”

“I’m thinking about the sweet release of death”

“you might be going there”

“no, we won’t”

you and Tommy began to panic as you got closer to the ride, Tommy announced the floor was moving which tricked your brain into believing that the floor was moving, Wilbur was still talking about you all dying in a few minutes whilst laughing at Phil trying to make him stop despite the fact he was clearly laughing. Tommy got on first as you were making your way to a seat Tommy pulled you over to him so you were sat together. a worker came over and told you all to keep your seat during the ride

“can I get off”

as soon as you finished your sentence the ride began to move making the others laugh

“ill take that as a no”

a few minutes later you forgot you were scared as you were too busy laughing about the fact that so far out of the four of you the only person getting drenched in water was Phil. this newfound confidence didn't last long the ride began going faster and you and Tommy got drenched in water

“We made it through the second most dangerous part”

“heh...”

you looked at Phil tilting your head waiting for him to confirm that Wilbur was just trying to scare you again. your thoughts were interrupted by Wilbur beginning to speak to the camera

“Alton towers is a very safe and risk-free theme park fun for all the family”

he flipped the camera so the three of you could be seen Phil was laughing Tommy had his head in his hands and you were sat with your hood over your head hiding your face so you couldn’t see what was going to happen. Phil told you to hold on but he was interrupted by Wilbur using the camera to record the four of you together again it was clear you and Tommy were not having the most fun on the ride compared to the others. the ride crashed into the small wall next to the ride causing it to jerk forward making the four of you hit your leg

“my fucking thigh”

“y/n there are children nearby”

“y/n, Tommy you two are lucky to be alive”

you and Tommy turned to face each other then looked back at Wilbur who was continuing to chant that you’re lucky to be alive clearly ignoring Phil who was telling him to stop. eventually, the ride came to an end and you all got off, Phil helped you walk around for a minute as your legs felt extremely weak after that ride

“you okay now y/n”

“yeah yeah thank you, Phil. I'm never going on that ride again”

you all made your way to the centre of the park Wilbur disappeared as you and Tommy stood begging Phil for cotton candy, your only argument being that you really wanted it

“please Phil”

“We can have a little”

“we’re growing Phil we need more than a little”

“it’s diabetes in a box”

“it’s pure joy”

“yeah it’s fun in a box let us get some”

“stop being a dick”

Wilbur came running out of a shop carrying as much cotton candy as he could shouting for you and Tommy to take some and run which you gladly did. the pair of you sat on the grass eating as much cotton candy as you could

“ITS BLUEBERRY”

“that is so sugary”

you and Tommy both grabbed a fistful of cotton candy waving it at the two adults in front of you both, resulting in Phil calling you both goblins, they both walked away leaving you two to enjoy each other’s company for a little while whilst they had a break from the pair of you screaming.

“that’s..that's Tommy and y/n”

it was almost time to face the smiler but before that, you had to conquer oblivion again this was another ride that terrified you but Tommy's reaction to the ride made you laugh for a good few minutes until you realised you were in the queue

“oh fuck. we are going to die”

“you’ll impress the girl and y/n you’ll impress tubbo”

“ill buy her flowers”

“This is a death trap” you went on first and sat a few seats away from the middle Tommy not far behind you

“if we die ill never forgive you”

“you’ll be fine”

“will we though”

“I mean”

“Tommy she was hesitant to answer that get me off this ride”

just like last time the ride started just as you finished trying to get off the ride

“y/n you really need to stop asking to get off the rides it makes them start earlier”

the way to the top of the ride was mainly just you and Tommy yelling curse words trying to stay calm

“Phil do we have to”

“Why could I not stay with Wilbur”

“awe look at the view”

“can we just stay up here- oh shit don’t look down”

“any last words”

“lovely knowing you all”

just before the ride was about to go down the drop Tommy grabbed your hand only letting go for a minute whilst you got off of the ride, as soon as you were making your way to Wilbur so you could all go on the spinball wizard ride he held your hand again keeping you close. your way to the ride was a range of Wilbur telling you all about the smiler or Tommy telling you all he was worried he was going to piss

“what the fuck is yours and Wilburs obsession with announcing you might piss on the ride”

you sat with Wilbur for this ride as he was the only person you hadn’t sat with yet and Tommy sat behind you both, you and Wilbur spent the ride screaming, yelling song lyrics or saying your goodbyes

“for lmanburg”

“Should I be worried.. you did you know create an explosion”

you spent the rest of the ride laughing before it came to an end. you all made your way to the smiler making jokes about how it’s all the girl from college wants to see him on.

“you ready Tommy”

“let’s go home”

“no”

“y/n you’re supposed to be on my team”

the four of you made your way through the gates ignoring Tommy who was yelling about it being a prison simulator, you sat at the end next to Tommy

“so this is safe”

“apart from the crashes yeah”

“y/n? is it safe?”

“it’s safe Tommy I can see you’re genuinely scared I wouldn’t lie in a time like this..maybe”

you and Wilbur agreed to become his wingmen and a few seconds later the ride began, you spent the ride laughing quietly as Tommy began confessing his love

“POGCHAMP”

“I WISH I SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE”

as soon as the ride ended you stood as a group again and called the girl from college, Wilbur practically yelled about how Tommy went on the smiler only for the girl to ask who Tommy was and how she wasn’t friends with him

“it’s okay mate”

“you okay Tommy”

you and Wilbur pulled Tommy into a hug.

a few minutes later you all made your way back to the car park as it was getting late. once in the car you handed Tommy the squishy monster you both named Clarence, Tommy screamed whilst pulling you into a hug before asking you how and when you were able to buy it. when you were halfway home you began to get a migraine Tommy pulled you into a side hug so you could rest your head on his shoulder and have a nap for the rest of the journey back home.

a few days late you received a message

tubbo: I miss you

y/n: I suppose I miss you too

tubbo: that’s good because I’m outside please let me inside

y/n: on it!!

taglist:

@l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @c1loudee

[mintelepathy]

"From now on, you won't be alone anymore"

idol!jungkook x reader/oc

word count: +2.0k

genre: fluff¿

warnings: swear words¿

summary: jungkook can't stop thinking about the girl he met at a convenience store in the middle of the night and he can't help but return to see her again.

mlist

Jungkook can't sleep today, he's been sitting on the floor of his living room for almost three hours now, a piece of paper placed on his coffee table and a pen in his right hand.

Writing lyrics was easy when he felt inspired, but today it wasn't the case, he really wanted to make some progress with his mixtape but it seems that it wasn't the right time now.

He gave up. He knew that his attempts to write some lyrics were in vain for the moment, he needed to do something else, maybe something that could inspire him.

He often goes for a walk at night around his neighborhood, the later it is the better for him, it's the only time of the day where he doesn't feel like being spied, he understands what fame brings but sometimes people really step out of the line, and he wasn't happy with that, let's not misunderstand, he loves when fans approached him respectfully and talked to him, he just doesn't like when people follow him around with bad intentions.

He didn't even waste his time changing his clothes, he grabbed a coat because it was chilly outside and headed to the streets.

The night was quite peaceful, mostly because it was 3 in the morning, but it was a different kind of peace, and he enjoyed it. Trees filled the area where he lived creating a gentle wind, feeling the night breeze was something he loved, he stopped walking for a moment and took a big breath with his eyes closed. The air felt clean compared to other days.

When he opened his eyes the first thing he spotted was a convenience store crossing the street. He usually doesn't have any late snack, even more now that he is on a diet, but today he'll make an exception.

He made his way to the store with no rush and opened the door, it was his first time there, it wasn't like he didn't visit convenience stores often but that he had never seen that place before the times he went for a walk.

He greeted the girl who was working there and headed straight to the shelves looking for kombucha tea and ramen, he had the intention of eating the ramen there since those kind of stores had microwaves, so people were able to prepare their instant food and eat it right away.

But there was a problem, the kombucha tea was nowhere to be found.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the counter, you found yourself watching the boy who just entered the store looking around the shelves for something unsuccessfully, you decided to make your way towards him to see if he needed any help.

"Excuse me, do you need help with anything?" The boy was wearing a big black bucket hat and a black face mask so it was quite difficult to see how his face looked.

"Uhm yeah, do you sell kombucha tea?" It was crazy how kombucha tea was being sold lately.

"Yes we do, but it's sold out at the moment, I heard somewhere that a singer recommend it and people got really interested and bought it until stores ran out of it" a giggle escaped his lips.

"I think I know who you are talking about" he took off his bucket hat to fix his hair, and put it back quickly. You could see his eyes for a split second and you felt like you have seen those eyes before, they were so big and pretty, like bambi eyes.

"Oh really, who is this famous singer then?" You knew you have read or heard about this guy but you couldn't remember his name.

"Jungkook" there it was when you realized.

"You are Jungkook" he just nodded. "I knew you seemed familiar" you confessed. "Anyway, is there anything else I can help you with?" You asked politely.

"Can I use the microwave?" He was the first person who asked you if they could use the microwave, people often just used it without asking.

"Yeah, of course" you made your way to the counter again and sat in your chair.

You couldn't help but watched him as he prepared the ramen, working there, and at night, was boring as hell so you never missed the opportunity to talk to customers when you had the chance, but you weren't quite sure if you should go and try to have a conversation with him. You didn't want him to think that you were approaching him just because he was famous.

Seeing him preparing ramen made you feel hungry, you also wanted to eat some so you didn't think twice and went to grab a cup of ramen.

He was sited just right besides the microwave so it was impossible to ignore his presence. You saw that he forgot to grab chopsticks so you picked two pairs from a shelve.

"Here" you said as you handed him the chopsticks.

"Thank you" he gently grabbed them, he had taken his bucket hat off so you were able to see him more properly now. "I see you are hungry" he said and you smiled.

"Yeah, I've been staring all night at those cups of ramen and I couldn't hold myself when I saw you preparing it" you said calmly trying to make him feel comfortable around you.

"Should we eat together then?" His question took you by surprise, he was being so sweet considering you were a completely stranger to him.

"I don't think I'm allowed to do this, but yes" you sat on the only chair left, which was besides him, and waited until your ramen was done.

"Would you get in trouble for eating with me?" He sounded concerned.

"Just if my boss finds out, but he is never around and almost no one buys things at this hour, so I don't think he'll know" fuck your boss, you didn't really like him, he was really rude to everyone.

"Well, in case your boss finds out, I can come and tell him that it was all my fault" it was the second time he made you smile.

You were ready to get up when you heard the microwave was done getting the ramen cooked, but Jungkook got up faster and brought it for you.

"Thank you" you said as he sat again, you both opened the chopsticks and started eating, even though he could start eating his ramen sooner he waited until yours was ready.

He obviously wasn't wearing his face mask anymore so you could see his features clearly. He was stunning. "What brought you here so late?" You asked him to start a conversation.

"I was trying to write some lyrics on my apartment but it didn't turn out how I wanted, I also couldn't sleep so I decided to take some fresh air, then when I was walking I saw this store and well, now I'm here" he took another bite of ramen. "Do you work here all night?" He asked you.

"Yeah, until 6am, it's kinda scary going back home alone after work because I have to walk and it's still dark outside when I leave, but anyways i'm here just during the weekend tought, I'm studying at collage so actually this is a part time job for me, I don't spend too much time in here" you could noticed he was really paying attention to you, he stopped eating everytime you talked.

"Can I know what are you studying?" You didn't know if he was really interested or if he was just being nice, but you were so happy now that you could spend some time talking with someone.

"I want to major in audio visuals, my parents weren't happy when I told them what I was going to study, they wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I didn't listen to them, is that a bad thing?" You asked him, you barely knew him and you were already asking him for advice, considering you didn't have close friends maybe you really needed a therapist to talk this things after all.

"I think you did the right thing, it's your life, you should do things that makes you happy" he made emphasis in the you part. "And you will learn from the decisions you make, not from other's" wise words.

"What about you? Are you happy with the life you have right now?" Both of you had already finished eating, so you were ready to listen to him closely.

"I am, I'm not happy everyday but I'm happy with my life so I can't complain, I just sometimes wish I could do things that are normal for most of the people" you completely understood his point, and you felt sad for him, everyone deserved that kind of freedom and you can see he couldn't have it.

"You know, when I saw you preparing the ramen I really wanted to talk to you because that's what I do with most of the people who comes here, but I was afraid you might think I only approached you because you were famous or something like that. So I just want you to know that even though I know your name or your face, it doesn't mean I know who you are, and for me you are just like everyone else, I won't treat you any different just because you are famous, I won't go and tell everyone that you were here or anything like that, I also know I can't take you to do all the things you'd like to do, but one thing I can offer you is an honest friendship, I bet Jungkook from bts is great, but if I'm honest I don't really care about him, I care about the real you and I'd love to get to know you more, I met you just a moment ago but I can see you are a really good person" everything you said was the truth, and he had to know that there was someone out there who cared about him. That's how you were, you cared about others.

"It's the first time someone tells me something like that, I really appreciate it" you would love to say that his words surprise you but they don't, and that's sad.

"I think I should go back to work right now" he nodded. "Oh and you don't have to pay, I invite" and with that you went back to the counter.

He stayed on the chair for a few more seconds doing something but you didn't know what because you could only see his back from there.

He got up later and made his way to the door. "Thank you for make me some company, see you soon" you didn't have time to say goodbye to him because he had already left. Have you done something wrong? You asked yourself.

Time passed and it was time to go back home, your coworker came in time so by 6am you were already out of the store, you didn't start walking though, you couldn't believe who was in front of you.

"Jungkook? What are you doing here?" Was he waiting for you?

"You said it was scary going back home alone, so from now on, you won't be alone anymore" it seems that you actually didn't do anything wrong after all. "I left a note on the table we shared" oh shit, you didn't see it.

"I didn't see it, sorry" you were about to go and look for it but he stopped you.

"It's okay, don't worry. It just said that I'd love to have you as a friend, and since you invite the ramen I hope you can accept my invitation to drink something some day" he seemed shy now, maybe that's why he didn't tell you this in person.

"Yeah, we can definitely go to drink something together, and as friends now" you smiled at him as he bite his lip cutely.

"Should I take you home now? You must be tired"

Yes you definitely were.

"Let's go" you said as you both started to walk next and close to each other.

There was no way you would forget this night.

♡

I hope you enjoyed reading this one

A like or reblog is always appreciated :)

[leahseclipse]

Confessions, surprises and joyful events

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Summary: What worse thing could happen other than calm and nice coffee dates when the genius resident happens to forget items when suddenly called in, causing their secret to come out?

Warnings: Mentions of losing someone, death (not concerning any of the characters); usual cm stuff, but otherwise, its just fluff

Category: Fluff

Word count: 13.5k

A/N: And here’s the last fic of this ‘kinda’ series!!! yesh I know the summary sucks LMAO, but- I hope you guys will like it, I apologize if some moments are ehhh, especially towards the end, I’ve been working on it for a while and as the total is 25k, I really had no other idea, I really drained them all into that massive one- 

And that one is still attached to the prevs fics I had wrote for the fic swap for @sunlight-moonrise​ :)

 Continuation of Dear diary, and Souvenirs, secrets and coffee dates

This night went better than expected. We didn’t go to bed at 2 -for once-, but around 11:30 PM, so even if it’s still late, it’s better than nothing.

Considering all of the stuff we have to do today, and probably in the next few days, we couldn’t allow ourselves to go to bed at the hour people usually get up for work, such as 6AM...or more.

And it would also be a lie to say that we didn’t go to bed at this hour once.

Nonetheless, we both were excited about the activities of the day, and if I’m not wrong, we’re at our fourth coffee mission-date. 

Yeah, none of us figured out a proper and official title for it, so we’ve just been altering between dates and mission. 

At the same time, it’s a date, it’s been a while since we haven’t got to have a moment to ourselves, and it’s also -as said- a mission. We like to set small challenges, especially when we happen to have time like this week.

Talking about this week, I have to admit that not receiving a call has stayed quite surprising, even now. Before we had the idea of doing our coffee dates, I had just come back from almost two weeks of work. 

I had been away for a week, had just three days of ‘vacation time’, and had been called back for another week. So, I think that it's not weird at all to be surprised, all of us probably are.

I just hope they won’t decide to have a party or something, because I can never find myself to refuse and find a proper excuse that doesn’t raise suspicions, now that I have a girlfriend.

I can’t believe that I almost used Ethan as an excuse to not attend once, and the idiot I am forgot he happened to be in New Orleans at this time.

Basically all planes were cancelled because of the weather, and if I had happened to let his name slip, as they probably know that I know him, they would have wanted to know more...especially Penelope. 

And the idiot I still am would have tried to find another excuse, that -of course- would have miserably failed as well.

I just hope we’ll get to have a few more days before I eventually get called back, it’d be nice. 

It’d also be nice if I would stop to think about a possible call, because if y/n would hear me she’d complain about me bringing bad luck. 

Normally as it is only some superstitions, it doesn’t happen, but again -as expected-, last time when I had said that a possible call was coming, I received one just two days later.

So, I think that I’m gonna pass on this subject.

I also wish I didn’t have to be the one responsible for waking her up; she’s...quite difficult when it comes to that, and most of the time, we’ll either end up being 30 minutes late, or just not go where we had to at all.

But since what we were supposed to do was important, she really had to get up, even if I had to drag her out of the bed.

“Y/N, come on, I’ve been trying to get you out of the bed since nine, and even gave you twenty minutes more.”

“Jus’ a bit more…”

“Alright, I’ll go to the library all day then.”

“No, you’re stayin’ with me.” She said, as she sat up and grabbed my sleeve. 

“You want me to help you get ready?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay, give me your hand.” I extended mine, as she lazily took it. “There you go sleepy head.” 

“I’m not a sleepy head. It’s my morning head, that’s all.”

“Your morning head is a sleepy one.”

“No, it’s a well-rested one.”

“Okay, you won the fight.”

“I always win arguments.” She proudly announced, while she got up, stretching up a bit. “So...are we going to the one we saw on internet yesterday, it really had good reviews, and a nice website, which is...a good sign usually.”

“Yeah, it is. It really sounded nice, plus I think I’ve heard about it from other people, and they’ve had pretty good experiences. I say we go for it, might as well enjoy it before...work calls again.”

“You’re going to bring us bad luck, stop with that.”

“It counts for you as well. You mentioned it yesterday.”

“...I didn’t.”

“You did.”

“No, I’m sure your brain is tricking you.”

“Once again, I am sure it’s not. I know my brain well, and it never lies.”

“Pff, you know your brain? I’ve never heard such a ridiculous thing.”

“Says the-girl-who-forgets-her-stuff.”

“Hey! Don’t use that nickname, the diary story was an accident.”

“You didn’t trust yourself enough that you had to give me your number.”

“No, it wasn’t for that, I just wanted to chat.”

“Even years later, you still lie.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Mhm.”

“Okay, one more remark, and instead of going out, I’m making you clean my whole apartment for a week.”

“...I’m going to get ready.”

“That’s what I thought genius.”

“Why am I being called ‘genius’ when I’m not supposed to call you ‘the-girl-who-forgets-her-stuff?’, hm?” I joked.

“Everyone calls you genius at work, see it as a third name.”

“Then if what I call you is your name, it’s kind of long. Y/N, Y/M/N, the-girl-who-forgets-her-stuff, Y/L/N.”

“Okay, if I stop using genius, will you stop with that?”

“...maybe.” I answered, as she hit me with her shirt. “Okay, okay! I’ll stop!”

“You’re really nice when you want, see?”

“I’m not a puppy either.”

“You have puppy eyes, same stuff.” She briefly said.

“Who says?”

“Me.” 

“Only you is not enough to be convincing.”

“Who says?” She repeats.

“Do you want me to get the excuse I took at the library?”

“Which?” Y/N asked, visibly confused.

“That you had to be more polite, else, I won’t listen.”

“I’m going to warm up the car.” She grabs the keys, changing the subject.

“I love to mess with you.”

“Shut up.” She says before leaving, earning a sneaky laugh from me.

++

When I had gotten out of the building after a few minutes, I swore that Y/N could have left without me if I would have tried to mess with her again.

She didn’t though, but she warned me (jokingly, she had said…), that she wouldn’t have hesitated a bit.

In most cases, she really isn’t kidding, and wasn’t at all this time.

The only thing I got when I had gotten in the car was a hit on the arm, that...kinda still hurt for a bit even after a few minutes. 

But, we both know it wasn’t serious. We often do that, and we usually make jokes like ‘I’m going to murder you and pretend someone killed you in the night’, ‘I’m gonna have Hotch yell at you by making you late’, or even, her favorite one, ‘I’m gonna steal your phone and announce our relationship.’.

Which….when it was told after a few months we began dating, would stop the teasing from me, and end in a fit of laughter, as we would discuss it; and jump to other subjects.

That joke is less...uncomfortable, or the kind to stop the conversation, as we really talked about it, and kind of planned to say it before we’d end up married with two kids.

I know that they’ll be happy whether I announce it while she’s my girlfriend, or my wife, and mother of my kids, but still, it’s been a while, and I think that they deserve to know, they’re like family to me. 

Even my mother, who had just met them a few times, appreciates them a lot.

But once they’ll know, Y/N will have to prepare herself; because she’s gonna receive a lot of questions from Garcia, who’s probably going to get her to come as often as possible; some messages from the team, a lot of invitations, because to be honest, they’ll all be really surprised that I got a girlfriend, and as it’s been a while, they’ll have a lot to ask and tell.

I just hope that they won’t...mention what happened in my early days.

Some stories are kind of embarrassing, and not really nice to recall to me.

Knowing Morgan’s, he’s either going to mention what happened with Lila Archer, or the gun qualification that I failed (but, that I got, after I shot between a guy’s eyes in one shot, so this story will only be half bad). 

...he could also tell both.

But, I know for sure that they’ll welcome her with open arms. They’ll really appreciate her.

She’s done a lot for me, and I can really say that she...somehow made my life better, in a way (She says that I’m cheesy, when I say that).

I honestly have no idea what would have happened if she took her diary back before I even got to see it, I would have never paid attention to the shop on my way as usual, I would only go to the library for the usual reason, my life wouldn’t have changed even a bit. 

I like to say that fate has reunited us, but in another way, I like that she happened to be so distracted to the point of forgetting it.

I can’t really imagine having to not see her anymore; we’ve been so used to each other that we constantly have to see each other, and at least hear the other’s voice if I’m at work.

Literally, all of the free time that we have, it’s spent with the other.

We also happen to hang out with our friends, but most of the time; we’re always together.

I noticed that we don’t tend to go outside often, we both prefer to stay outside, and once, we even cancelled plans at the restaurant at the last minute as we were both too lazy to even get ready.

That also happened in the morning; none of us had work, and we decided to spend most of the day in bed, and we didn't do even anything till a few hours, we just talked and cuddled.

So, these coffee dates are kind of a miracle; because knowing our shared laziness, we wouldn’t have done that at all.

It’s our fourth one today, and it's going pretty well.

I’ve thrown facts the whole time, and she didn’t mind.

She actually asked for others, at each of them.

Y/N was totally into it.

And that kind of made me laugh, I even said that she looked like a nerd, or even a teacher’s pet.

That’s why we enjoyed it, we laughed a lot during those, and actually planned to go outside more, which is...totally crazy.

I don’t know what is happening to us, but, some miracle fought off our laziness, and now, we’re going outside a lot.

Our coffee dates also made y/n drive more.

She would never touch the wheel, unless if it was at 1am for emergency snacks, and now, she insists every time.

I think I’ve only driven at the first, but not fully, as she took over on the way back.

We’ve also discovered a lot of coffee shops, I’ve walked in front of some, but never actually went inside. 

I guess our coffee dates are mainly us, testing out what they have, and when we’ll run out of shops; we’ll basically try to choose the best.

She even purchased a notebook for us to put our ratings in.

I really never saw her taking something so seriously.

She also created another folder on her phones, with a lot of pics. The majority of them have my face, and she took most of them when I was looking away.

Y/N mentioned that she really likes my side profile, which at the moment was...kind of weird, but, I got used to it, and even looked on the side on purpose as I knew she’d taken a picture without fail.

I think that she has one where I’m turning around; she didn’t get to take my side profile before I turned, it was kind of blurry, but I insisted on keeping it.

We might print the pictures and make a scrapbook at this point; it would be fun.

I know she’ll like the idea.

“Okay, so...are we ordering one of the basics, or are we going a bit fancy today?” Y/N asked.

“Go for the fancy option, that’ll change.”

“Alright, you go get settled, and I’ll be right back.” She said, kissing my nose at “right”. I always like that.

She knows every single thing that makes me happy. It’s kind of crazy, she almost knows me better than I do.

I’m also pretty sure she knows that I hate when she goes away, even if she’s two meters away, and is going to come back in just a bit.

I just really like to be with her, and this might be childish or something, but I almost got her late once because I didn’t want her to go yet once.

At least I won’t have to do that this week. None of us have work, and I just have to hope I won’t be called in.

I’m the only one that could completely cancel our plans, and even though I know she won’t be angry as we managed to get five days without a call disturbing us, it’ll still somehow leave a bitter feeling.

She told me to stop worrying, and just, enjoy the moment, but I just can’t help but think about it, and even though she’s not a profiler, she can tell when I’m worrying about something.

So, might as well quit worrying, and just enjoy our dates, because always thinking about the calls might end up bringing us bad luck as she constantly says.

Y/N even has a sticky note on her desk counting how many times I’ve either worried about it, and brought up the subject.

So far...I’ve said it about seven times, and it’ll probably turn to eight if she notices.

“You know, you can say it if there’s something wrong.” 

There goes the possible eighth time.

“Oh, sorry, what did you say?”

“I see it that something is bothering you. Did you prefer us to stay home today?”

“No, no, not at all! I really wanted to go out with you. It’s not the problem.”

“So, what’s the actual problem?”

“You know it.”

“Oh, quit that cellphone. Just smash it on the ground and wait for them to come.”

“You know that’s not how it works.”

“That’s the only wait for you to stop worrying. That’s the eighth time.”

“It’s not even the eighth at this point, it’s the fortieth.”

“Or the hundredth.”

“Yeah, I got it. I worry a lot.”

“I’m not even a profiler and I can just tell like that. Quit your job and let me take your spot, I’m gonna impress them all.”

“Are you going to enjoy the ‘waking up at 4am’, ‘being away for a week’, ‘risking getting killed’ parts though?”

“...not the ‘4am’ one, no.”

“Try applying as a secretary, maybe. It’s calm.”

“If I have enough of my job at the craft job, okay. I’ll make sure to be in the same section. I’m gonna be the best secretary they’ll ever see.”

“You’re going to make us late though. When I’ll have to leave you’re gonna try to get a few more seconds to talk with me.”

“I may.”

“Hotch’s not going to like this.”

“Eh, he won’t say anything. We’re two young people in love, so, if he doesn’t have a rock heart as...you always tell me how strict he’s...he’ll be okay with it.”

“Not if it happens a lot. I tell you. Hotch isn’t kidding when it comes to that. He may accept some occasional late reports, but not a late arrival when we have to immediately go on the field.”

“Okay, then I won’t do it.”

“...one or two times won’t hurt. If we do one a week, and the other two weeks and...a half later, maybe it’ll pass. Who knows?” I suggested.

“I don’t want you to get fired. This job is important.”

“...yeah, kind of.”

“Plus, we have to tell them, at least before you get fired.” She joked.

“If I get fired, I won’t have to tell them as I won’t see them as often as I want. I’ll have another job and we’ll all be busy.”

“It’s kind of smart but...don’t you dare do that. That’s not genius.”

“You suggested something, and I went along with it. You started it, not me.”

“A suggestion isn’t an obligation, or a serious thing. I never forced you to do it. It was only “if”, never said anything serious.”

“You know that I always take you seriously.”

“Too seriously that you couldn’t catch jokes.”

“I understood it, I just played along with you.”

“If I hadn’t interrupted you, it looked like you would have almost done it.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Mhm.”

“Did you really think I’d do it?”

“Knowing you...there was a chance you would have done it. A slim one.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” She honestly answered, taking a sip of her coffee as she kept her glance on me.

“I wouldn’t do it, it was only a joke, nothing more. Even if it’s...full of pretty big risks, I still enjoy it.”

“It’s scary as hell, yeah. And even though I’m not with you, I still feel the stress.”

“I have to admit that I scared you...a lot.”

“You bet. The ‘out of battery’ days really scared me.”

“Yeah, sorry for that.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad. You’re still there, and now we’re on...I still didn’t find a name for it.”

“What was the original name already?” I asked.

“Coffee mission slash dates. Not amazing.”

“We can’t really settle on only one at the same time.”

“We can’t. But at the same moment, we kind of have to choose one.”

“Coffee mission slash dates isn’t the best, but it’s the only thing we could think about, it’s better than not having one.”

“You’re kinda right. It’s okay if we keep that one.”

“I guess so.”

“By the way, as...I see we’re basically done. What are we saying for this one? Do you want to try something else before we write our review?” She asked.

“We can have another one. Only roughly 80 to 100 cups of coffee would turn into a lethal dose, so...it should be okay.”

“It’s kind of morbid, and creepy.”

“It’s still useful to know it.”

“I didn’t need to know that my source of energy can kill me. Now I think that I may have to slow down.”

“It can kill me too. I drink way too much when I’m at work then at home.”

“Imagine that the autopsy guy has to say to your family that you died because of a caffeine overdose. That’d be...either dumb, or embarassing. Gosh, it’s not funny.”

“Yeah, sorry. That fact was just stuck in my head.”

“Choose less morbid ones next time.”

“Don’t worry-”

“Yeah. So, uh, didn’t you say you wanted to try that one too? It sounds cool.”

“Why not, okay.”

“Okay, I’m going. You stay there.”

“But- You don’t have to.”

“I’m going, it’s okay.”

“Pff, ok. You can go.”

“I’ll be right back anyway. Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not sad.”

“Is that so? You should have seen your face.”

“I wasn’t sad.”

“If you say so.” She said, before leaving as she headed to the counter again.

We’re really little kids sometimes.

Maybe that’s why we get along.

We’re more childish than serious most of the time.

On that, we’re kind of equal I’d say, but...it depends.

I’m the childish one these days.

I still haven’t found a way to announce her to them, because...even if I really like them, I still don’t really want to.

It’s mostly for security reasons, with all that happened during my years, I’m kind of afraid.

I’ll have to tell them one day, eventually though.

They’re gonna bug me even more if I wait too much.

“Stop overthinking.” Y/N interrupted, as she set the two cups on the table.

“I can’t.”

“You have to, eventually. If this is about the cellphone, or not having enough dates, or even, that we have to tell them, you have to stop. We already had four, it’s a miracle.”

“To be honest, yeah. I wouldn’t hope we’ll have more.”

“What about we tell them if we get another one?”

“I’m gonna receive a call before.”

“No, we won’t. I’m the one between the two of us that bring us luck. So, we’ll have our fifth one.”

“Okay, we’ll see. Even if I’m not really sure. But, I hope we do though.”

“I can guarantee we’ll have it. Now drink your coffee before it gets cold.”

“Cold coffee isn’t bad.”

“Yes it is! That one isn’t meant to be drunk cold. If it had ice, then yeah.”

“Stop criticizing my choices, it’s not nice!”

“Your choices are so bad that I have to be on your back.”

“You’re not my mom.”

“...you sure about that? I’ve acted as your mom a lot of times because of some of your choices. I don’t even remember them all, there’s so many.”

“Not a lot. That’s why you don’t remember.”

“I don’t have your brain, but I remember some.”

“I’m not that immature, and...irresponsible.”

“Okay, you’re not that immature. I exaggerated.”

“It’s nice of you to admit your mistake.” I joked.

“I’m gonna take my words back, be careful. I might not even wake you up if you get a call. That way you’ll have Hotch yell at you.”

“You’ll make coffee for yourself, that’ll wake me up.”

“How?”

“The smell of coffee can help you wake up in the morning.”

“Hm. Guess we don’t need alarms then. You’ll build us a machine that automatically starts the machine and we’ll be up in no time.”

“At this rate, we could also install a webcam in front of it, if we do it every morning, at each nap, and all day.

“A webcam?”

“I saw somewhere that people working at the University of Cambridge knew the feeling of finding an empty coffee pot so well, that they invented the first ever webcam with the sole purpose of checking the status of the coffee pot.”

“That’s actually kinda smart.”

“I know, right? That way we don’t have to check, but the one that’ll have to fill it back up will receive tons of notifications, so it'll kind of be annoying.”

“...yeah. I don’t want it anymore.”

“You’ll probably be the one receiving the notifications more often since you’ll be home.”

“That’s why I changed my mind. I don’t want you to see how often I drink, because...trust me it’s a lot.”

“...I do the same at work.”

“That’s why we get along. We get each other, basically have the same habits. We’re the perfect couple.”

“You kind of sound drunk when you say that, I don’t know. It sounds like something you’d say while being drunk.” 

“Kind of, yeah.” She agreed, laughing. “Throw another fact, we’ll continue in the car.”

“Let me think...oh, I got one. From statistics, the average American spends around $20 a week on coffee, which is around...$1.092 per year. Yikes.”

“What keeps us awake when we’re running on two hours of sleep makes us broke. Cool.”

“That’s where our salaries go.” 

“...yep. That’s where. Surprise.”

“I don’t think they’ll really be surprised. Look how many hours we sleep. My sleep schedule is already buried.”

“Yeah, it is. Remember all the days where we went to bed at 1am and you got woken up at 4am? The next days were hell to stay awake.”

“...I remember. I hate those days. if I get a phone call, let me have five or six hours at least.”

“I’m starting to wonder if they’re not spying on us to see at which hour we go to bed.”

“Same. It happened way too many times. It’s getting quite...annoying.”

“Not really for me, I’d wake up because of the phone one time out of two. It was more annoying when I’d wake up to see I was alone.”

“You’d have a note, at least.”

“Yep, but....wasn’t amazing.”

“You would have been angry either way if I would have woken you up.”

“I would have gone straight back, yeah. You’re not wrong.”

“I’m always right. I’m not the best in the whole FBI building for nothing.”

“Quit showing off. We know you’re smart.”

“It was just in case you forgot.”

“How could I forget? You tell me that you have an 187 IQ without telling it every time you speak. It’s kind of obvious that you’re not an idiot to me.”

“You’re smart too, you could figure out that I was.”

“Is there a meaning behind that or…?”

“Why would there be one y/n?”

“I don’t know. You sound...narcissistic, and it was kind of like...you told I was dumb, Reid.”

“No, you’re not! I was kidding.”

“Mhm.”

“Okay, I’m sorry if I sounded ‘narcissistic’, it wasn’t my intention, I was just kidding.”

“I just have trouble knowing if you’re joking or not sometimes. But, you are forgiven, doctor.”

“It’s weird hearing you say that. Why don’t you just say ‘Spencer’?”

“Doctor, and Reid are more...fancy.”

“Okay, if you like it.”

“I do like it.”

“Then I don’t have anything to say on it.”

“Indeed.” She proudly replied.

“You know that I really like you?"

"I do." She answered, her shy smile breaking into a bigger one.

"Are you okay with uh...cheesy stuff? Because like, it kind of is."

"I've always had a liking for these, so I don't mind at all."

"Oh- okay, I was afraid you wouldn't uh…."

"...like it? Of course I do. I always like it when you say that you love me."

"I can't say otherwise, or even refrain myself from saying it. When I see you smile, I just...you know. I really like to see you happy."

"You're gonna make me cry Spencer- I spent a while doing my makeup." She joked.

"Okay, I'll wait until we're at home then."

"Okay."

++

"It's kinda good that we came in early. Coffee is better when it's taken between 9:30 to 11:30AM from what I saw."

"...really? There's a 'good timing' for it to be more effective? It's weird."

"Kind of. If you're tired at 11pm and decide to drink it, it's only gonna work at 50%."

"For real...it's annoying. Especially for you, your shifts are long as hell. I'm sorry for all the times I yelled at you over the phone."

"You had your reasons, I'm the best at getting people worried to death." He said, as he got his eyes back on the road after briefly shaking his head at her.

"Can't deny." 

"No one can't."

"The number of times when you only had a battery problem, gosh. I wanted to kill you because of these." 

"You didn't kill me, I'm still here."

"I can still kill you, if you want. I might have a pocket knife somewhere."

"No- I take it back, it's ok. I'm good." I said, "panicking".

"Hm. Too bad. It was a new one, 'wanted to try it on." 

"...that's not really reassuring y/n."

"At least you'll be even more careful." She said, throwing me a sneaky smile.

"...will do."

"Good to know."

"I was going to say that you were going to be the death of me, but I'm already doing that to you with my job. Guess I'll have to find something else."

"You're gonna have to think hard. Because from what you said, your job is superior to everything in terms of scaring the death out of people."

"The #1."

"Premium #1. It's a better term." She corrected.

"...do you still love me though?"

"Of course, that's why I haven't killed you yet."

"I'm gonna have to sleep with one eye tonight."

"It's gonna be creepy man. I won't kill you, so, don't do that...please"

"I love how it's easy to make you change your mind with things you hate."

"I can still change my mind, even if I hate it."

"...sorry." I apologized with a tiny voice, which caused us to break into laughter for a minute, before I stopped before y/n, who still had a bit of trouble to stop laughing. "Do I need to call 911 or is everything okay?"

"It's just- your tiny voice is always fun as hell- gosh, I really had a good laugh."

"We don't need much to laugh apparently.' I pointed out.

"How can anybody not laugh at that? The way you said it was amazing."

"I'm gonna be offended if you keep laughing at me."

"I can't promise you I won't laugh again ah that."

"If you laugh at my voice, I'm allowed to laugh at you when you fall out of bed then."

"Okay, deal. You're allowed." 

"At least it's even. But- you can't go back on that, you said you agreed on it."

"I promise, I'm not going back on it." She confirmed.

“Okay, just so it’s clear.”

“It is. I granted you permission to laugh at me.”

“I never granted you permission and you did it a lot of times, that’s not fair.”

“I’m allowed to laugh at you, it’s not the same. I have a special “nice girlfriend” pass.”

“...okay you have a point.”

“I’ve always had it. I’m smart, maybe smarter than you. The FBI should seriously hire me, they’re missing out without me.”

“We’re never going to be able to focus if we work together.”

“Then I guess you’ll have to present me.”

“Prepare yourself in advance. Once they’ll get your number, you’re gonna be overwhelmed with texts. They’re gonna want to know about the secret I kept.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I may have to go there myself if you chicken out.”

“Hey, that’s not nice. I’m hurt.”

“Okay- I may have to go there myself if you don’t resolve yourself to do it- oh, it’s the same. Even if I word it differently, it’s the same.”

“I’m mad at you.”

“No, you’re not. You love me too much to be mad at me.”

“...how do you know everything about me? I’m scared.”

“I hacked into your brain.”

“Clearly.” I said; nervously laughing. “What do you think would be the password of my brain?”

“Um...either a doctor who or star trek related thing.”

“Hm. Maybe. It’s kinda difficult though; I like a lot of things. I’d probably end up putting your name if I can’t decide.”

“Yeah, same. There’s so much stuff.”

“If I take all of the books, tv shows, writers….yeah. Your name.”

“I’d probably struggle too. Your name.” She repeated.

“Isn’t it risky to let the other know our passwords?”

“I mean...we share the same brain cells sometimes, we’re 24/7 together, we’re interested in the same stuff so...eh. Not really.”

“That’s fair enough to be honest. I still remember last time; when we forgot to take the pasta out of the water because a video on twitter distracted us.”

“...I remember that. We had to order takeout after.”

“And the takeout wasn’t that good. I would have prefered the over-boiled pasta.”

“Same...these $35 weren’t that worth it.”

“$5 dollar over boiled pasta would have been better.”

“Yeah, it would have. But, let’s not try to forget it tonight. Over-boiled pasta isn’t my favorite thing.”

“Then we’ll have to turn off all of our devices.”

“...yeah. Let’s hope the clock won’t fail on us.”

“I’m not even sure if we have batteries left, and the store is closed.”

“Guess it’s gonna be one hell of a night.” She pointed out, as the car came to a stop.

“You said it.” I answered, as we both exited the car.

++

“Spencer, hey, wake up.”

“What’s...going on?”

“ ‘thing’s ringing.”

“What the…?” He mumbled as he took his phone from his nightstand, rubbing his eyes. “Oh, come on.”

“Guess we’re not having our fifth date.”

“...guess not. This sucks, I’m sorry.”

“ ‘s not your fault. At least let me have a quick hug before you go for god knows how long.”

“Just one, I really have to go.” I precised, wrapping my arms around her waist, as she put her head in the crook of my neck. 

“I’m gonna miss you Spence.”

“Me too. I promise it won’t be too long.”

“Mhm. Oh, at least it’s not 4AM.”

“Yeah, it kind of surprised me to see that it was 9AM.”

“Same. Are you directly going on the jet or are you gonna uh...what’s the thing, briefing at the office?”

“Uh, yeah, Morgan told me to go to the office first.”

“Okay, call me before you go then.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll call.” I reassured, kissing her on the cheek as I sprinted through the hall. “Have a good day!”

“Same!” She yelled, as I closed the door.

What a great week ahead of us.

I annoyedly sighed as I got out of the building, taking the car as she had mentioned that she wouldn’t need it today.

I kind of felt bad, we had taken a small break on coffee mission-dates as we didn’t feel like it, and in the meantime, she also went to work for a day as a coworker needed someone to replace her, and after that, just when we planned to go out again...my phone rang, which was nothing but good.

I’ll make sure to call her as often as I can, that’s the least I can do till I come back.

++

As he left, I kind of ‘slept’ for at least ten minutes before I even found the motivation to get out of bed, which was kind of hard.

I’m really attached to my bed, and it’s really complicated for me to get up in the morning, Spencer helps me out usually.

It’s a miracle I managed to get out before falling back asleep and waking up at 12, especially on my own.

It’s kind of a great achievement to be honest, I should call him later to…

I paused, as I saw what seemed like his phone on the table.

...guess I’m not gonna call him.

What the hell am I going to do?

I can’t go there, no one even knows me.

Why did he have to forget his damn phone? 

He doesn’t even have another one, how the hell am I going to do to get it to him?

I just...know his code, he randomly told it to me, and he knows mine too, so...yeah.

For god’s sake, I’m gonna have to call in, ‘I’m a cousin, friend, whatever’ excuse is gonna have to be the one I’m gonna throw.

Now or never I guess.

I turned on the phone, entering the password as I opened the contacts app, not really knowing who to call.

He had mentioned that Hotch was his superior, but I would be a stressed mess the second he’d begin taking, and it wouldn’t do anything but waste time.

What about Penelope? She seemed quite nice from his sayings, I could possibly reach out to her.

Let’s give it a try, I guess.

I clicked on the contact, pressing the call button as I brought the phone to my ear.

“Spencer, why are you calling? Aren’t you with Luke in the conference room?”

“It’s not Reid, I’m...a friend. He forgot his phone...and his badge thingy at my place, I saw the second thing as I called. I uh...didn't know he was working so I went to his place, and I guess he’s at work now.”

“Huh, he never forgets it. That’s weird. But, I never heard about you, are you like...a school pal or whatever person he met at a library or other?”

“Uh...We knew each other at school, yeah- anyway, is there a way for me to take it to him? I’ve...never been to his place, you know.”

“Oh uh...I can go see him, he’s right there. You could come here, but...I don’t know if you’re cleared to go here. Let me...oh, is your name y/n...y/l/n?”

“Yeah- did he put me in his emergency contacts or…?”

“Well, you’re in the visitor lists, so, I guess so, in a way, yeah. You must be an important friend then.”

“Yeah- we know...each other for a while- yeah.”

“That’s weird, he never mentioned you. I’ll have to ask about you later, I’m kind of interested.”

“Yeah- uh, he’s working at the FBI building, right? What floor is it even?”

“Yes, it’s that. It’s the sixth, you’ll have to hurry though, they should be going soon.”

“I’ll be right there. See you...I guess.”

“See you there!”

Oh god, that was the most stressful situation- how did I not panic? Did she find the fact that I’m able to enter his apartment weird and suspect I’m his partner? Am I supposed to be panicked or chill about it?

Shit.

**

As the briefing who lasted a bit more than planned came to his end, as I briefly checked my bag to see if everything was in it, my phone and badge were missing.

How did I forget them? I swore that I had taken it before leaving.

How can I even do? 

I could possibly attempt a quick trip to my apartment, but that'd only be a waste of time.

I sighed as I climbed down the stairs, suddenly getting interrupted by the sound of a nearby elevator when I happened to walk in that direction before.

I...regret not thinking in advance about my words, as...people were behind me.

“Oh, hey babe- what’s...” I said as soon as she appeared, as I was coming to the realization that I had...messed up when the expressions around me changed. “...up.”

“...hey.” Y/N quietly said after noticing the look on everyone’s faces. 

“Did he- is she?” Luke asked, confused.

“I- You forgot this- these.” She informed, taking the two items in her hand as she handed them to me.

‘What are we supposed to do?’ I inclined my head to the side, frowning my eyebrows.

‘I don’t know!’ She shrugged.

“Oh- are you his friend I had on the phone?” A blonde chirped, walking in.

“It’s ‘girlfriend’, apparently.” Luke corrected.

“But- So-”

“She’s my girlfriend, yeah. I didn’t tell you for..reasons, and-”

“You guys should go- We’ll talk all about this when we get back.” Y/N interrupted.

“Reid's been hiding you, and you don’t think I want to know about that?” Penelope asked.

“But- you’re working on a case, I’m not supposed to-”

“If it’s FBI shit, you’ll just put your hands over your ears and close your eyes, it’s okay.” She waved it off, pulling her aside as they went in the elevator.

“I’ll see you later Spence.”

“Okay, see you-” I said, as the door closed. “No- No questions. Not know.”

“We didn’t set anything.” JJ answered.

“...yet.” Emily continued.

++

“So, what happened? We didn’t see anything, I mean- I kind of suspected...sometimes but-”

“It’s...kind of long. I mean you have work and-”

“I can do two things at the same time.”

“Well uh...we didn’t know each other at first.”

“So like- it’s a fate thing or-”

“Maybe? I mean- I lost my diary at the library, I forgot it when I went to work, and he told me that he found it, didn’t want it to get lost, and so, he asked around where I could be found and, we met.”

“It sounds like cinderella.”

“...kind of. Never thought about that.”

“It really is, like- if you had never lost it, he’d just be a guy sitting with his book.”

“I wouldn’t have the courage to talk to him, because...I think I would have found him interesting.”

“You can thank your brain for making you forget about it. You got a nice boyfriend because of it- wait, I didn’t ask if you were-”

“We’re not engaged yet-”

“I’m gonna tell him to hurry as soon as I get a call with him- How did he not already propose to you?”

“It’s okay- It’s only been one year and a few months, we have-”

“Please let me plan the wedding.”

“It can wait I’m-”

“I have to plan it.”

“Okay but-”

“You’re gonna have to get used to here, you’re gonna come...quite often. Maybe with my apartment too, and Rossi’s. He organizes amazing game nights, it’s always fun.”

“...that’s why Spencer told me to prepare myself-”

“We’re not gonna let you go for a while. I bet they’re harassing him with questions right now.”

“I don’t have anything else today so- guess I’ll be staying for a bit. I’ll have to go later, though. For like- sleeping and all.”

“Will you come back tomorrow?”

“I have work...the craft shop I told you about.”

“Oh- then keep going with the story then-”

“You sure- you-”

“They’re not calling yet. Keep going.”

“Okay- so, he went to the shop…asked where he could find me, as he had something belonging to me- I was in the storage room and my coworker came saying someone had a thing that was mine, and recognized the thing as she saw me with it before. I went to the front- where he was, she left and uh...he gave it back to me. We briefly talked and, as he left I asked him his name- as he knew mine, and...he left.”

“That idiot didn’t ask for your number?”

“He could have come back, I don’t know. He knew where to find me, and...same for me. Next uh...we both had work, I suppose for him, too. And as I got a day off, I went back to the library to also thank the employee that had told him where to find me...and he came again.”

“What happened next? I need to know-”

“Uh- I think we uh...stayed there, for a while, actually. Until we were told that it’d close, and...hung out together till...almost 2AM.”

“Did you-”

“No- just talking. We barely met, we wouldn’t- We were going to go out on a date...later. I asked him first.”

“You did? Oh my god that’s so cute!”

"That was kind of stressful. You don't get to ask guys out pretty often."

"Was Reid your first boyfriend?"

"As a serious relationship, yeah. All of the others were in high school but...they were all idiots. Spencer's the first that...cares about me."

"He's always been very nice in general, I can guarantee that you'll never regret letting him enter in your life, he's gonna treat you like a princess."

"He's already gone through that, he's always supporting me, I...really feel safe, and loved, all the time."

"I'm glad everything's going well for you two. You could have come sooner, we've been asking him quite often if he'd ever present his partner as we were his parents."

"Yeah we- waited a while. We were actually planning on telling it, soon." 

"Well, the 'soon' arrived."

"It was kinda…"

"Unexpected? Yeah, I know."

"It really was but...it's not as stressful as I thought. I...really like it here."

"You're gonna feel home with us, too. You're already there with our genius boy. I can tell you guys really love each other."

"We do, a lot."

"I'm glad for that. You're gonna have a lot to tell every time you come here though."

"Don't worry, I'll tell you everything there is to tell, and let you plan whatever thing there would be to celebrate. Even my wedding."

"Do I really have to wait to plan it?" Penelope asked.

"We could get married in five years, who knows. Are you gonna plan it already?"

"...probably."

"Do I get to help?"

"If you have good taste, yeah."

"It shouldn't be a problem."

"So- Oh, here they are."

"And...back to work." I said.

"Wish I didn't have to now." She sighed, answering. "You've reached the office of knowledge, what can I do for you?" 

++

“So? How did it go with the team?”

“Chaotic. I wish I had taken a car or something instead of the jet who lasted way too long for just three hours.”

“Penelope already wants to plan our wedding here.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. If I didn’t stop her, she would have probably purchased dresses and called Rossi.”

“They also asked me about the wedding here.”

“What can I say? They’re really like a real family.”

“Yeah, they are. You’re gonna like them a lot.”

“I feel like it. Penelope already told me to get used to here because of how often she’ll call. I’m probably going to end up working here.”

“You don’t need to work here to see me, they know now. You’re cleared to come whenever you want.”

“If only you hadn’t- no, I would have probably jumped at your arms if I hadn’t seen them.”

“At least we don’t have to think about it for weeks, just to not say it at the end. It’s done.”

“Just a week ago, you said that you wanted for it to be special, it wasn’t very special to me.”

“It’s kind of...special. No one did that here.”

“Not the kind of ‘special’ you described.”

“It was a...surprising ‘kind of special’.”

“Did you just make that up?”

“I only had that in mind.”

“I thought that you were intelligent enough to just say ‘surprising’.”

“You asked which kind of special it was.”

“Unexpected would have been good too.”

“...yeah. I wanted to spice it up.”

“I’m giving a 7/10 to your spice.”

“That’s the average at least.”

“But- it was fine. I’m being a bit mean.”

“Are you mad it went like that though?”

“Not really. I know you wouldn’t have resolved yourself to say it, so...it’s said. They know, and...I really like them. You could have done it sooner, I missed out. They’re really like you described them to me.”

“Yeah, I would have waited...even more. Let’s hope you’ll get to pass by often, they’re gonna want to see you all the time. I’m pretty sure you have pre-invites to all of the parties they’ll ever organize.”

“At least we’ll be with other people and...do other stuff than staying all day at home, you know.”

“You’re right, yeah. I’ll diversify our days-off.”

 “Heard Rossi knows how to cook pretty good pasta; that’ll change from our failed ones.”

“...definitely. He also makes us cook with him sometimes, but...I think I’ll pass for the ‘boil the pasta’ part.”

“Same for me. I prefer not to ruin the entire thing.”

“If he teaches us, we could get better.”

“Nah...I prefer not to. I’ll stick to the ‘make the pasta’ part.”

“It’s hard to say no to Rossi in general, good luck with that.”

“Is he like everyone’s grandpa or what?”

“Uh...I guess I’d say so. You could kind of see him as that, but I don’t know if he ever allowed anyone in the team to call him like that, except for Hotch, JJ and Matt’s kids.”

“Thanks for the warning, it’s noted.”

“He’s gonna have a bunch of nicknames for you though. He likes to do that with...pretty much everyone he knows.”

“I’m okay with that, he sounds nice from what I heard from you...and Penelope. I’m gonna stay a bit more, she wants...more information about what she doesn’t know yet about us.”

“Send me a text to confirm you’re alive, you’re gonna be staying for a while.”

“Will do, don’t worry. You might receive pictures too, she proposed and I agreed as I always like to take pictures of yours. I...also sent some of you to her, and...she might have sent them to the others.”

“They’re looking at me so...I think they got them.”

“At this point they’re gonna make a scrapbook out of it.”

“They might.”

“They don’t mean to be annoying, I’m sure. They’re just…”

“...really invested. They’re gonna want to know everything there is to say and know. Especially for you as they don’t know you as well as they know me.”

“I guess I’ll be spending my days-offs at another workplace. I’m okay with it.”

“People are gonna wonder if you’re not working there after seeing you that often, you’ll have to correct a lot of people.”

 “I look smart, of course they’re gonna think I’m working there. They should have hired me by now, they’re missing out a lot.”

“You’re right, they should.”

“I can’t guarantee I’ll be with the profilers though, my talent has its limits. I can only read your face.”

“You’re only a profiler with me then.”

“Yeah, I’m a special one. I’m not risking my life doing it.”

“And not scaring people?”

“Mhm. I’m not.”

“I can tell you’re smiling without seeing you. We got a special talent in common.”

“Oh, come on, you’re the one with 187 IQ, you got the bigger talent here.”

“No, mine is smaller. You lose things all the time, that’s the real talent I don’t have.”

“I’m not doing it on purpose- And be glad I have that ‘talent’, because without it you wouldn’t even be speaking to me right now.”

“I never said it was a bad one, it’s a good one. I met you thanks to it.”

“I guess I can believe that.”

“Believe it! It’s the truth.”

"I love teasing you, I get to hear the squeaky voice.”

“Hey- no teasing about it, I always do it, I can’t help but not have another pitch, it’s like that.”

“I also have one, we’re quit. But- yours is more high-pitched to me.”

“It’s not, I always have a deep and masculine voice- please don’t tell me you’re on speaker.”

“...I’m not on speaker but...she may have- she heard it.”

“Let’s hope she won’t say it to someone else.”

“I can’t guarantee that, but...it’s not the end of the world though.”

“Yeah, it’s not. I’m sorry I...I have to go, in a bit.”

“It’s alright, we got to chat for like...five minutes, it’s a good one.”

“It is. I’ll try to call, or shoot a text if I can.”

“Okay. Love you. Go catch bad guys- and hang up first before we stay another ten minutes.”

“Got it. Love you too. Good luck with Penelope.”

“You’re still on the line.”

“I know- can you do it? I feel bad hanging up at you.”

“Fine. Have a good day-”

I wish we’d have all day to ourselves right now, it’s a bit hard to not have her with me all of a sudden.

Let’s hope I get to be home soon.

++

I wish I didn’t have to witness what happened there.

It...did something to me.

I didn’t know anything about her, except the same things as everyone, such as her name, personal information and their job, but...when we went there, and saw that she had already died, I felt...weird.

As if they were someone I knew, it hit way too close to home for me, as if they were the feelings I would have for y/n if anything would ever happen.

It may be weird to think about that...out of the blue, and it also may be a bit soon, or sudden but, I thought a lot about when she told me that Garcia was already planning our wedding as soon as they began talking.

It really got me thinking again, as it definitely wasn’t the first time that occured. 

A lot of the people we dealt with in cases lost their lost ones suddenly, didn’t get a proper goodbye, regretted their last words before they last saw them, and...even if that’s not the case with her, I always leave, leaving her to wonder whether I’m gonna come back in one piece or at the hospital.

I’m aware of how bad I’m scaring her every time; she’s always waiting for a text to know if I’m alive to stop her from worrying, and even though I know she won’t have risks of getting hurt in most cases, I can’t stop but get scared for her, especially when I’m so far from her.

I’ve seen what happened with other loved ones in my team, and that’s not what I want to happen to her.

It’s only been...almost two years, it’s not enough at all, but...we never really talked about the future, getting married and all that stuff, we’ve been fine staying as boyfriend and girlfriend, it didn’t really matter, and we had all the time to talk about it.

So...I don’t really know if that’d be sudden.

But, at the same moment...I do want to do that; y/n means a lot to me, and that would be...mainly stressful but, it’s something that means a lot.

I want to do this, really, but...I don’t want it to be like a few days ago, it wasn’t planned, and again, I would have wanted for it to go differently.

But, after that case, and many more that happened, what if something happens before I come back? What if I get other cases, more work? 

It could, and could not happen, I can’t know in advance.

That’s why I hate it when I don’t know things I actually need information about, it freaks me out.

I have no way to plan what could happen, and it’s even worse for y/n, from what I can imagine.

If something does happen, she won’t be the first to know, but due to the possible lack of calls, or anything else, she could first think of something bad, but won’t know it it’s quite bad, if nothing happened, or if she’s gonna have a call she never wished for.

I know it’s weird to think about all of that, but my job isn’t made of riskless things, I’m aware of it.

I wouldn’t be thinking about that if it was any less calm.

All that my brain can think of is that the rest of my life has to be spent with her, I can’t do it with anyone else, if she’s not there. 

A simple diary made us meet each other, without it, my life wouldn’t have changed much from what I can say.

It really is fun to think that we met because of an object.

It’s quite weird to go back to when she wasn’t here, I’ve been so used to being with her.

It’s probably cliché, but I can’t imagine not having her around now that I’ve met her.

She’s sort of a part of me if I had to describe it.

She’s the reason why I look even more forward to the end of a case, going home, doing simple things as walking around the neighborhood, grocery shopping, or even getting ready for bed.

The last is the best moment of the day along with waking up having her next to me; I’m often awake first in the morning, so I get to look at her a bit more in advance before she wakes up on her own.

She always smiles first thing when she wakes up, even if she’s really tired.

That’s one of the things I prefer.

I always end up staying longer as she had trouble getting out of bed, I’d even get her out of bed by carrying her for a bit as if she was a child.

But, it makes her feel happy and loved, so, I don’t mind doing it.

When we get ready for bed, I’m usually the last to sleep as I watch her until she falls asleep. 

I can’t help but do that every time, even if I’m a bit tired.

She yells at me a bit when she hears I do that instead of enjoying all of the hours I have, but, I just tell her the only excuse I had and always have.

I still haven’t found another, really.

Probably because the one I always tell her is the only that has ever existed to me, I don’t think it will change.

It probably won’t, I like that excuse.

I really don’t want anything to change, I really like the way everything is.

How she is, how she looks, when we’re together, I just can’t imagine something better.

That’s why I just...with all I’ve seen around me, what happened, of all the losses I’ve experienced, I can’t stand thinking about that ever changing, I have to tell her how I love her for the millionth time, hold her as much as I can, memorize all of the details of her face once again, and again.

I always do them more than we can recall, but...I want to do that once again, even if she tells me I’ve done these enough.

I want to express how much I love her, even if she knows it as that’s the first thing she gets to know in the morning, when we go to bed, when I leave for work, at the end of a call, or even at random moments when I look at her for a while, and end up randomly saying: “you know that I love you so bad, right?” 

She smiles at it, every time.

After that, she often ends up telling me how cheesy I can be sometimes before kissing my lips and laying close to me if she wasn’t already with me.

I don’t want that to stop, I have to feel it again, think about it after it happens for hours, it can’t stop.

I also hope I won’t have to have her go through all of that fear when I leave every time.

I always feel bad about it to this day, and I know it won’t change until I decide to quit it, but...as much as she hates the risks and all of the stuff coming with it, she’ll kill me if I decide to quit, she knows how much that job is important.

So...I have to tell her, again.

I want to be able to be with her, go through whatever problem could happen, agreements we might have, I want to do all of this.

I’m willing to do all of this, no matter how tough it gets.

Y/N’s the only one I ever cared so much about, I don’t think I’ve ever done that with anyone else other than my mother.

I’m not also saying that I don’t care about my team who could pass as my own family, but, y/n’s the one.

The one that makes me feel special, that I always want to see, that pulls me through the day even if I’m having a bad case, the one that is always willing to talk even if it’s 2 in the morning, she never gave up on me, I don’t remember one moment when I wouldn’t hear about her.

I don’t want to hesitate about anything else.

I’m sure about this.

I will tell her exactly what I thought about, what I’ll think, what I thought from the beginning, whether she already knows some details by heart.

And I’ll tell her anyway for the only and one reason that it’s because I’ve always been so cheesy and hopelessly in love with her.

That is the only thing that will never change.

++

I don’t think I’ve even ran so fast after having to pass to the office for just some papers.

I’ve barely said goodbye to the team, and they kind of were surprised to see me rushing so bad.

They’ve probably figured out that it was because I was excited to see y/n now that they know about her, and, that is the case, but I don’t think that any of them even know what I’m about to do.

I really can’t believe it’s actually happening myself.

I’m about to do something that usually takes a while to figure out, think about, plan, and that isn’t that easy to do as it’s not something that’s to be taken lightly.

But I’m really sure, I’m aware of all of the possible reasons why I’m doing it.

I’m aware of why I’m about to marry her.

I’m not doing this as a joke, or anything else that wouldn’t make it serious.

I want to wake up knowing she’s the person I’ll be with my whole life, that I’ll be able to love even more, brag about more, think again when I’m not doing well.

I want her to know all of that.

I just can’t wait.

It’s...really crazy and sudden, and I’ve thought that it was stupid at first because of these reasons, but I don’t think it quite is.

I’m doing this for a reason, and I’ve never been so sure and confident even if that is the most stressful thing I could ever do in my life.

I just hope I won’t collapse...even if that’s a bit exaggerated to me, but, I guess it’s the whole tension, stress that’s talking.

She has no idea that I planned to do that, the only thing she knows is that I’m on my way as I told her before driving home.

If there wasn’t other vehicles, or a speed limit, I think that I would have already been there.

When I pulled out of the parking lot as no places were available nearby, I bounced my feet on the floor of the elevator all the way.

I’m kind of surprised that it didn’t crash because of that.

I’m also glad that I managed to make it to my front door, still alive.

When I took out my keys out of my pocket, missing the lock once before getting it right as I took a large breath, I already heard the sound of the bedroom door opening in a hurry when she heard the front door.

After hearing a short fumbling once I had closed the door; she had jumped in my arms as soon as I turned back to her.

The first thing that really came to mind was that she had immediately felt like home; as she always did.

She hugged me, without a word for whatever time was enough to her, until she pulled back to probably give me air.

“Welcome back. Sorry for the...sudden jump. I hope you-”

“I didn’t.” I replied, planting a short kiss on her lips. “I’ll never mind, never.”

“I know. Do you want me to uh...cook something for you? I don’t think we have much left except some eggs, I forgot to go to the store after work.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’m fine with it. I’ll help you with it so you don’t burn the apartment down. It’ll be a bit...bad to have to deal with a fire now.”

“You’re not wrong, yeah. Let’s avoid that, but- don’t criticize my possible talents! The only thing I’ll burn is the food itself. I’ll be turning the gas off as soon as I’ll see the food burning.”

“Okay- I trust you. Do you want me to let you cook on your own?”

“I like being independent, but…no, stay.”

“Alright, I’ll make sure we don’t eat burned food. We both deserve nice food after the long day we’ve had.”

“Too bad we don’t have a heart pan...you know I would have wanted to do that.”

“We’ll buy one tomorrow, don’t worry. Look, just so we don’t forget…” I took my phone from the couch, walking back next to her. “Okay, it’s on the reminder app.”

“You won’t forget it, each stuff you read stays in your memory. ‘Can’t guarantee for me.” Y/N admitted, lightly chuckling.

“You won’t forget, don’t worry. Don’t overestimate your brain.”

“I forget stuff all the time, I don’t trust him too much.”

“Don’t call yourself dumb, you’re certainly not. You’re very smart, and- you wouldn’t be even awake without your brain.”

“Oh, yeah, forgot the science thingy part. I kind of figured out that you’d  be telling me that, you’re really predictable.”

“I can’t argue on that one.”

“You, not arguing? You always have an explanation that’s as long as an essay. You’re lucky that I’m interested in it.”

“I’m quite surprised that you manage to stay interested all long. Not all of the people I work with make it through the whole thing.”

“It’ll never be boring to me.”

“You sure about that? I may deliver a talk worth a four page essay.”

“Not so late, tomorrow, I promise.”

“Okay, tomorrow. Let’s cook before we get too tired.”

“Can you go first? I’m always afraid of getting burned by that.”

“I was going to do it, I was kind of afraid for you.”

“Oh- thanks, I guess.”

“Anything for you.”

++

Just as if I didn’t have everything planned in my head for hours, once we did the eggs, talked a bit, and layed on the bed without bothering to get rid of our outside clothes;

I still didn’t know.

I was beyond stressed.

Would it be going well?

Would she react well?

If I suddenly don’t know what to say, what do I even do next?

Of course, I was still very sure of it, more than anything, but turns out that the stress just didn’t want me to do that apparently.

I still don’t get why it had to get in the way just now.

I just have to overcome it, it’ll be...totally okay.

It’s going to be okay.

I just have to somehow get to talk and manage to know what I want to say...I guess?

“Are you okay? You didn’t say anything for a while.”

“Oh, sorry I...I was thinking about something.”

“Is it a bad or good thing?”

“It’s a good one, not bad...at all. I just don’t know if...I can say it. It’s a stressful one.”

“I’m not sleeping for a bit more, you can go ahead. If it’s stressful, I guess it must be an important thing.”

“It’s an important one, yeah.”

“Go ahead then, I’ll be listening to every word, won’t miss a bit. You got all of my attention.” Y/N said, sitting up on the side of the bed.

“Okay, okay. Um...I don’t really know where to start, and how to, but...I think I’ll be saying everything at one moment or another.” I explained, as I sat up next to her. “I’ve been thinking about it for a bit, and slightly hesitated at the beginning as I told myself that it’d be a stupid decision, but I know that it’s something I’m sure of, it’s not something I thought of for a minute before deciding that I’d be doing it. I have to say that I haven’t been thinking about it deeply since months, but the time I thought about it was enough to decide that it was what I wanted.”

“You’re starting to worry me right now...I thought it was a good thing, and- you know I freak out easily…”

“It’s definitely a good thing, I just...there’s a lot to say. It might be an essay long, I just want to say everything that’s important.”

“Okay, I’m listening. You can keep going, sorry.” She apologized, as I put my hand on hers to reassure her.

“I...I’ve had a while to think about all of this. Barely two years, but...I never really thought about it to the point of having a whole essay to say. There’s just so many things to say about how I feel about you that I can’t select which ones to put so it could be shorter. I know we’ve talked about it a lot of times, but thanks for purchasing that diary in the first place, it’s what started our story, basically. I could also thank the one that made it but...I have no idea.” I admitted, pulling a short laugh from her. “And thanks for forgetting it, too. Your forgiveness came in handy, and we’re here now. It may be all cliché and all, but that’s what changed me. A simple book, that lead me to you. I can’t thank you enough for talking to me, and not letting go.

I really thought that I was nothing but a stranger that found something for you, and that you’d end up moving on. I didn’t move on after that, you kept staying in my head. I was persuaded that you had forgotten me and that I should...leave it there. We only knew each other’s names, that didn’t mean that I could talk to you more to me. Now, I kind of want to punch my past self for that.

I turned out to be more than wrong. When I stepped in that day, I was going to find some excuse to talk to you, and pretend I didn’t see you, but I couldn’t do that. You were all I could see in that place. Pretending that I didn’t see you would have been rude.”

“You could have done it, I wouldn’t have been mad. I probably would have done the same.” She admitted.

“I couldn’t have, really. You were all I could think about, so, not looking at you after not being able to see you? That wasn’t possible. I can’t even do that now. When I look at you, I can allow myself to basically let go of whatever stresses me in my work. I know I shouldn’t be talking about it too much, but thank you for supporting me, even after all of the scares I gave you. I won’t be talking about quitting as you said that you’d kill me if I’d do it.”

“The offer is still up. I won’t let you quit until you’re at least 60.”

“I’m not planning on dying yet, I won’t quit. But, I’m sorry for all of the stress that I put you through. I wish I could make it less stressful. You’re so strong for that, I really don’t know how you manage to not have a heart attack, you’re truly amazing.

You can be proud of that though. I want you to be.

You’ve made me feel stronger because of this too. Your strength, your support, your love, all of that allows me to pull through.

I can’t imagine having to go through that without you. You became such an important part of my life, that I just...can’t imagine not having you here by my side. You matter so much to me, I really want you to know that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I can’t do that with anyone else now that I’ve met you. You make me feel so loved, so happy, everyday, and...I want to feel like this forever. I don’t want that to change ever.” 

Don’t screw this up.

You got this.

“Since I’ve met you, you’ve given me a reason to be better, to do better. Something changed when you came into my life, I’m not the doctor Reid from two years ago anymore. I would constantly overthink, I was never sure of anything, I was a mess. But now, you’ve pushed me to say what I have in mind, you’ve made me more confident, and I’ve never been sure of something my entire life. My old self wouldn’t have done that at all. 

I've realized that I can't live without you anymore. I've lost too many things, and I definitely can't lose you. You're the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. And before you say anything, not even books, TV shows, or whatever else is better. You're the one that I love the most, and that I'll also love for many and many years. 

I've...also realized that I've said the entirety of a monologue, and you're probably wondering what that was for so, I'll get to the point." I explained, briefly leaving her side to take something from my pocket, a gasp leaving her lips as I suddenly put a knee on the floor, pulling the box open.

"It would be an immeasurable pleasure to be able to share my life with you, as long as we both shall live. So...I, Spencer Reid, would like to know if the wonderful woman in front of my eyes would accord me the pleasure of marrying me?" 

"Of course I will, you idiot!" Y/N exclaimed, pressing her lips against mine.

"Is that a yes though?" I asked, still against her lips.

"It's a yes." She answered, as we both pulled back from the other when I took her left hand, slightly struggling to take the ring out of the box.

After a few seconds, and a few laughs, I nervously slid the ring on her finger, looking at her when I was done.

"...I understand the stress you had now. I...I really don't have the words right now. I kind of feel bad about not having anything to say. I just...want you to know that I also love you, so much. Thank you for being here with me, and...marrying me. This is...the best thing, ever." She said, her eyes watering.

"I would marry you every day if it was possible."

"If only. We have to plan a whole wedding now. I think we're gonna need a lot of help."

"That depends when you want it to happen."

"That also depends how fast it can be organized. Because if it can be done in one week, that would be...amazing. I can't wait another year."

"It's as it was already done babe. I bet Penelope already planned everything from the moment she met you."

"I wouldn't be surprised. Gosh, I can't wait to be able to call you my husband." She admitted.

"And I can't wait to be able to call you my wife." 

++

"Can you...frickin' believe that? We met her just a bit ago, and like...one month after I get to organize their wedding? This is totally crazy. She even let me help choose her dress, her damn dress!" 

"Of course she'd let you help Penelope. She couldn't have even said no to you, and as she didn't say no, she asked for your help as none of them knew how to do all this." Luke answered.

"I could literally drop out of the FBI and become a wedding planner at this point. Don't yell at me in calls, because you know what I'm gonna do next."

"We won't, don't worry about it. Just enjoy the wedding, you literally help plan the best day of their lives, they're not gonna be doing that every day." He reassured.

"That's too bad that it's only gonna last for a day. It's a shame we'll have to take everything down though."

"Just enjoy. Calm down for a bit."

Penelope took a deep breath, tapping Luke’s shoulder as she began leaving, but stopped for a second. "I'm gonna see if she's even ready. Someone go check on the boy wonder." 

“Yes, ma’am.”

++

“Y/N? Can I enter? It’s Pen.” Garcia asked, knocking a few times.

“As long as you’re not Spencer with a voice changer or something, yeah.” I said, as the lock of the door made itself heard signaling that the door was open, before she closed it on her way in.

“I thought you weren’t ready yet! Spencer’s gonna be downstairs soon.”

“I’m ready physically, not mentally. This is the part when I stress down.”

“What are you stressed about? Here, sit for a bit.” She motioned, putting her hand on mine when we had sat down.

“I don’t know...I, it’s the whole wedding thing. It’s not about Spencer or anything, I do still want to marry him, but...I’m just stressing about it. It didn’t hit me until today.”

“I get it. Lots of people, the big event, and mostly, marrying someone who matters. Don’t tell me one of your worries is that he’s not gonna find you beautiful or regret. There’s no way. Because, I know...we weren’t supposed to send messages to the boys before today, but, he spoke about you practically all night. He couldn’t believe that it was happening, I mean- who wouldn’t be stressed about marrying such a beautiful girl? So, stop that. All of the people here are only friends you know and family. There’s nothing else to stress about, I listed everything, and none of them is something you should overstress about, it’s going to be okay.”

“I know, I...I just stressed all of a sudden. And, I know he doesn’t think that, I just had the stress bringing all of those...stressful thoughts. Am I the only one who stresses at their wedding or is it normal? I don’t want to ruin anything because I’ll end up stressing, not knowing what to say-”

“You will be okay. You’ll know what to say the minute you’ll see him. Come here-” She rushed forward, taking my hand to put me on my feet as she directed me in front of the mirror. “Do you think Spencer isn’t stressed too when he thinks that he’s gonna marry you? You’re beautiful, amazing, strong, extremely kind, dedicated, I mean- he’s so lucky to have you. Anyone else would be stressed, it’s normal, you don’t have to think that you’re ruining anything, at all. Because that’s all I see when I look at that mirror. There’s not enough adjectives to describe your beauty right now, I think we’re gonna have to invent new ones at this point. I mean- look at you!” She exclaims, putting her head on my shoulder as she smiles.

“I’m probably also stressed because of how handsome he is too. I mean…wow. I’m marrying Spencer fucking Reid. It’s not anyone, he’s a literal god and a total genius.”

“And he is going to marry y/n fucking y/l/n. You’re not anyone as well, you’re a smokin’ hot bomb, a goddess and a strong, independent woman.”

“Okay, I am smokin’ hot.”

“Bet you are. So, now that everything is okay, you wait here. Don’t worry, Hotch’s gonna come soon, he’s probably finishing off a talk with our boy wonder. I’ll see you in a bit!” Penelope hurried out, leaving the room.

I’m marrying...fucking Spencer Reid.

Someone pinch me. I feel like this is a dream.

Ow- it’s not one.

It’s...really happening.

++

“I now declare you husband, and wife. You can kiss your wife, kid.” Rossi announces, as I advanced towards y/n, covering both sides of her face with my hands as the embrace deepens afterwards.

Soon enough, whoops and hollers echo through the backyard, as we pull back with smiles on both on our faces, maintaining our gaze on the other.

It’s official.

We’re finally both able to call the other our spouse, from now on, and forever.

Just two years ago, I never would have thought that this would happen.

I was just Spencer Reid, a guy that would always overthink, think he wasn’t good enough for anyone, didn’t think about ever going on dates, I was a total mess...until that diary.

It’s a bit ridiculous to say that I’ve overcome what would have refrained me from ever being with someone thanks to an object, but...that’s really what happened.

Who in the hell would have even thought that a person that I barely knew with only a few words would slowly become a familiar person, then a friend, a partner, and as I totally didn’t expect...my wife.

It all seems unreal, even now.

But it really is, believe it or not. I heard the words well, slid her ring on her hand; after that, she slid my ring on mine, Rossi announced it...and we kissed.

I pinched myself while she wasn’t looking, and it still wasn’t a dream.

I was married to her.

Even when we talked to our friends, we never let go of the other.

We were probably afraid that one of us was going to disappear if we ever let go of their hand.

I have no idea if some found it weird, I didn’t even care.

I was with her, she was with me, and we were both married.

That’s the only thing that mattered.

And...now that I think about what sealed our fates and lives forever as I looked at y/n;

It’s a good thing that I paid attention to my surroundings that day.

++

Let me know if you liked this fic here!

[inkedwarrior]

Blue Ocean - Chapter Four

AN: Long wait again, sorry but I've been super busy and tired all the time. Enjoy chapter four!

Pairing: Saul Silva x reader

Leaning against the wood, you take a deep breath. Your heart is still beating violently in your chest, an unknown hurt taking root in your stomach. Exhaling, you open your eyes to see Cassia and Nyx watching you, their expressions full of questions.

“Will you guys accept it if I just wanna go to bed and not talk about it,” you make your way towards your bed, but Cassia stops you with a hand on your elbow. Sighing, you sit down on the couch, crossing your legs underneath you.

“We got worried when we couldn’t find you after the mixer, so we tracked down your sister. No, she didn’t really say what happened, just that you’ve had a rough evening,” Nyx smiles gently at you and you can’t help but to smile back. Despite barely knowing the girls for more than a few hours, it warmed your heart that they cared.

“We get it if you don’t want to talk about it, but know that we’re here if you need us,” you give them a weak smile.

“I don’t really feel like talking about it, it that okay?”, they both nod and you head towards your shared bathroom for a quick shower. Climbing under the covers you ignore the incoming texts from Farah, turning off notifications and closing your eyes. Despite sleeping for the better part of the day, you drift off quickly.

Your sleep however is not peaceful and you spend the night tossing and turning, the ache in your chest never going away. Waking up, you look at the clock to see that it’s only 6AM, and it’s way too early to be awake. Shoving the blanket over your head, you try to go back to sleep. But a quiet knock on the door interrupts you. Grumbling, you get up only to find your sister standing on the other side. Trying to shut the door in her face, you fail when she grabs your arm and hauls you outside. Her grip is tight and you wince.

“That’s what you get for ignoring me last night. Mind telling me why Saul returned looking like someone killed his puppy?”, Farah stares at you and you blink, trying to wake up.

“I don’t understand why you would want this to be a good thing Farah, I don’t want a soulmate,” you hiss when she squeezes your arm tighter. Noticing your discomfort, she lets go but blocks you from running away from her.

“Do you know how many people would kill for a chance like this Y/N? To have someone perfect just for you, to have a person who will love you no matter what,” she deflates by the end of her rant, and then you notice the dark circles under her eyes. Looks like she slept no better than you.

“I want a choice Farah, is that so wrong?”, you sit down on the bench and after a few seconds, she sits down next to you. She grabs your hand and you relax, despite still feeling angry. Farah always had a way of calming you down, and you always felt safe with her. Maybe that’s why this was so hard, because she didn’t care for what you thought or felt.

“I understand that, and I get that you’re upset, but Y/N, please, give Saul a chance,” swallowing, you look at her, trying to understand why she’s pushing you.

“But why? Why are you pushing me like this?”, you shake your head, thoughts racing.

“Because I want you to be happy, and I know that if you give him the chance, you will be. I’v known Saul for three years now and he is one of the kindest guys I’ve ever met. Please Y/N, just talk to him if nothing else,” she’s pleading with you and you know that she won’t stop until you give in. So you do.

“Okay, I’ll talk to him, BUT, this does not mean that I accept any bond or whatever,” Farah is smiling then and you just close your eyes and shake your head. Damn you for not knowing how to say no to her.

“Thank you sweetheart, I promise you won’t regret it. Now, how about you meet me and the girls later today, so we can look at those books,” you agree, the thirst for knowledge overriding not wanting anything to do with this soulbond. She wraps you in a hug and you smile into her shoulder.

“So, can I go tell Saul that you’ll talk to him?”, you nod and she stands up, pulls on you hair and you smack her hand away. Watching her rounding the corner, you head back inside to get dressed. There’s no need to go back to sleep. You give a silent thanks that classes doesn’t start until next week and head into the kitchen to make some tea. Putting cheese on your toast, you hear the other girls stirring and take your breakfast with you into the common area. Sitting down, you fiddle with your phone, blowing away some steam from your mug.

“Wanna talk about last night now?”, Cassia throws herself unto the couch opposite you, still in her pyjamas. Shaking your head, you swallow the last of your toast.

“I don’t actually know what to say, it’s all very confusing and I still don’t know exactly what happened. But I promise to share when I understand everything myself,” she seems to accept your answer and wanders into the kitchen. Nyx is still buried beneath her blanket and you leave her be. Leaving your mug in the sink, you head towards the door for some fresh air. Opening the door, you once again run into Saul, who looks like he’s about to knock. Looking down, you don’t meet his eyes.

“Hi, um, Farah said that you maybe would like to talk? So I thought we might go for a walk down by the ponds, if you’re up for it. I promise I won’t touch you or anything,” he seems nervous and you can’t help but to feel sorry for him. The ache that has been bothering you all night and morning lessens, and it dawns on you that it isn’t you that’s feeling it, it is Saul.

“Yeah, I’d like that, and I apologise for last night. I didn’t mean, yeah, well, I didn’t mean to be so cruel,” you feel like you should apologise to him, because you remember the way the tears ran down his cheeks and you bite your lip, suddenly feeling guilty. But then he smiles at you, and the guilt disappears.

“I don’t blame you for acting the way you did, I’m just glad your willing to talk to me,” he’s being nicer than he has to be and you muster up a smile. His widens and he gestures towards the outside.

“Shall we?”, you nod and the two of you head outside. Keeping his promise, he walks with his hands in his pockets and there’s a space between you and him. No one says anything, you just walk down the path leading to where you assume the specialists train. The pond is still, and the morning air is crisp. Exhaling, you wrap your arms around you, wishing that you had taken a jacket with you.

“Are you cold? Here, have my jumper,” he’s already holding it out and you hesitate for a second. His face falls and the guilt returns. Reaching out, you take the jumper from him, sliding it over your arms. The jumper is still warm from when Saul was wearing it and you can smell his cologne on the collar. Whispering a quiet thanks, you continue to walk. Eventually you sit down on a training mat, looking out over the pond. Saul is still holding his distance and makes sure there’s some space separating you two. Silence fills the air, and you don’t know if you should say something. He breaks the silence before you can.

“So, I get that this isn’t ideal and I know you said that you don’t want anything to do with me, but I’m just asking for a chance,” he’s looking at his hands when you turn towards him and your heart aches in a weird way. Having spent the last 36 hours being angry and confused, you don’t really know what to feel. On one hand, you’re still upset, but when you look at him, right now in this moment, you want to say yes. You want to give him a chance.

“Everything about this confuses me. I don’t know what I feel, or what I want,” you don’t know what else to tell him.

“How about we take it really slow? I won’t push for anything, I’m just happy if you’re talking to me,” he lays his palm out flat, giving you the choice to either take his hand or not. It’s an open invitation and you close your eyes for a second. Your head is saying no, but your heart is saying yes. He’s been nothing but kind from the moment you met him. Opening your eyes, you look at him and slowly, you reach out and intertwines your fingers. The spark goes through you the moment you touch, neither of you say anything. Letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in, he does the same. A smile passes between the two of you and you never answer him. Holding his hand tells him all he need to know.

Tagging: @silvafox @it-was-all-a-beautiful-dream @mylovingpain @neemonroe @anreeixcobra

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Moving on from Routine, let’s look at Emotional Self-Care. This is Self-Care that you use to improve your emotional stability. This is what Emotional Self-Care can take the form of (though I do not use all of these; I will talk more about the ones I use):

Comfort Food

Taking a “mental health day”

Napping and/or Sleeping In

Binge-Watching Comfort Shows/Reading a Comfort Book/Listening to a Comfort Podcast/Comfort Music/Comfort Video Games/Etc.

Long Baths

Venting

Reflecting on the Good

Meditation

Taking a Walk Outside or Hitting a Treadmill

Turning away from Social Media

Lighting a scented candle

Giving Gifts

Crying/Screaming/Emotional Outburst

Breaking Breakables

Playing with and/or Petting a Pet or Animal

Telling Other People You Don’t Want To Interact With Them (Right Now)/Boundary Setting

Taking care of Plants

Journaling

Cleaning

Treating Yourself (non-food)

Every time I googled “emotional self-care”, I got some things like “set boundaries”, “learn to say no”, and “create a support system” – all of which are very good things, but they don’t really fit the quick regulation criteria that I’m going for here.

So, which of these do I personally use? Comfort Food, Mental Health Days, Sleeping In, Comfort Media, Venting, Reflecting on the Good, Meditation, Hitting a Treadmill, Scented Candle, Giving Gifts, Crying, Animals, Boundary Setting, Cleaning, and Treating Myself.

I’d take care of plants but right now I don’t have a good space for plants.

I’ll look at comfort food last, because I have a list of food.

Mental Health Days, I usually try to schedule ahead of time, around days or times I know are going to be hectic. I know that after a convention, for example, I need “cooldown days”, so usually I will take the following Monday-Wednesday off from work to cooldown from the convention.

If I don’t know ahead of time, I do feel comfortable enough to call in sick, but I vastly prefer being able to plan it, simply because of who I am as a person. It is sometimes a necessity. Sometimes there is just too much going on, and I need to step away from everything. Usually on these days, I will sleep in, or sleep for most of the day, with the promise to go back to normal tomorrow – and that is how it should be.

These are tricks to put you back in line in caring for yourself! To get you back to normal!

Now, most weekends I do sleep in a little. I wake up every day at 6am, so on weekends, I will absolutely let myself sleep in to like, 9-11. It’s a good thing I have this blog on a schedule.

Binge-Consuming Comfort Media: I do not consider this the same as observing New Media, because often for me that is a Personal Self Care, and not necessarily Emotional Self Care. It can be, but more often than not, it gets my thinking fired up and engages me in a wholly different fashion. For example, I consider playing Final Fantasy XII to be a “comfort game”, but I will not consider playing Elden Ring for the first time to be “comfort”, so much as Personal, because the former I have already done, while the latter is something new and is creating new experiences for me. One regulates my emotions, the other does not do so in a foreseeable fashion. In new games, I do not know the experiences I will have, whereas with old games, I can predict them.

I will usually use Binge-Consuming Media in downtime that I have nothing else to fill, but do not have the energy to try something new right then (usually with the promise that I will return to new things in the near future, usually the following day when this happens on a weekend, or the next weekend if this happens on Sunday). Binge-Consuming Media also tends to occur normally on Weekday Evenings, as I tend to lack any desire for new media after work. It thus helps me to stay in a calm mood throughout the night, and prepares me for the next day of work by maintaining mood, rather than changing it.

Venting has to be done with care; I have friends I can vent to, but the vast majority of them only end up aggravating me more when I vent to them. Venting is something I tend to reserve for after I’ve figured out what I’m going to do, and I just need someone else to know my pain, because very rarely are people actually able to give me decent advice. Yet, venting is still useful because it lets me finally express it, and lets other people into my life, which is healing, and allows me to move forward without feeling like I’m keeping a secret.

Akin to that, reflecting on the good is a bit more of a solitary action, but it’s useful to remember that a “bad day” isn’t a bad life. To think of the people who love me, to think of the good things that did happen, even amidst the bad, and to remember there are more good things to come. After a particularly bad day at work, remembering good things, good phone calls with customers, and just good people, is always helpful, and can prepare me to continue through the rest of the day.

Meditation is something I try to do every day, and I do feel that it helps me focus on the moment, as well as helps me work through my thoughts when I’m not meditating.

Back when gyms were safe, hitting the treadmill was great for days I just couldn’t fucking convince myself to do my weight training. It still got me in the gym, it still got me exercising, and it helped me beat out the anger while listening to a podcast or music. I felt like I could breathe. I miss this, a lot, and I look forward to being able to return to this, or getting the “Just Dance” games for my home so I can do a similar thing, without going to the gym. I was then usually able to resume weight lifting the next day – and it kept me from breaking my streak of going to the gym, back in the day.

Aromatherapy is just a thing. I enjoy it, it helps me, and I love candles, haha.

Giving Gifts is also something I like to do. Making other people happy, makes me happy, and this is often a surefire way to do that. It can be as simple as a bit of chocolate, it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. Of course, I have to make sure I am financial stable enough to do that.

Crying – when I need to. Sometimes I will have to kind of force it, by putting on a movie I know will make me cry, because just bursting into tears from stress without additional stimuli can be hard, but once it’s done, it is so relieving, and it allows my brain to start to function again without feeling as much in a daze.

It’s true I do have pets, and they’re kind of around me everyday, so this is more of a routine one – the animals are a constant source of comfort, but if you don’t have pets, visiting a pet store may be beneficial to give their animals a bit of affection, or going to an animal shelter. Or perhaps watching cute animal videos if those aren’t options.

Boundary Setting is also important. While sometimes, it can be good to help others when you’re going through a thing – I find it helpful sometimes – at other times it is just too much. Being clear on that, and also giving your friend some idea of when to “check in”, is good. It also lets your friend know a bit of a time period, so they know it isn’t a permanent block on conversing. Being open and clear about your situation can only do you good when it comes to your friends – and checking in with them when you’re ready!

Cleaning is oddly enough something I do when I’m preparing for something that is Good. I feel like I must cleanse the area in preparation of the New Good Thing. I will do this when I buy a new gaming console, or a long-awaited game, for instance. It makes things feel fresh and rejuvenated. It lets me walk into the New Thing as if it is a New Thing, and it starts it off on good footing. Some of the anxiety and anticipation of it, is quelled.

Treating Myself, when it’s non-food items, is usually things like clothing for me, or new PJs lately. I will also invest in books I plan to read, one day, eventually, cute Star Wars things, shows and/or movies to watch that are new, or things that generally speaking bring joy into my life. Sometimes emotional regulation, is also about reward. If you’re doing good in your life, you absolutely SHOULD be rewarded for it! Otherwise, why bother with balance and moderation? Why not live a hedonistic lifestyle? That would be far more pleasant if balance and moderation don’t have rewards. Not all emotional regulation is just to stop being sad, it’s also to be vindicated and celebrate good events. Celebrating IS regulating, when it calls for it, obviously. So I’m not encouraging here spending your money on whims because you are sad, but spending it more when you’re happy, and doing good.

And then we get to Comfort Foods. What do I use for comfort foods?

Chipotle Gouda Pasta Salad

Lime-Chipotle Pasta Salad

“Chicken” Fried Steak (Scare quotes because I’m a vegetarian so it’s fake meat)

“Tuna” Salad

Cheesecake, particularly raspberry white chocolate, or turtle.

Ice cream, particularly from Cold Stone, but usually either Rocky Road or Raspberry with Chocolate Chunks. There’s also Love Potion #9 which I have to drive a significant distance for….

Extra Lattes (note the extra – I already have these planned in with my meal plans).

Hot Chocoalte

Potatoes O’Brien and Gravy

The idea behind Comfort Food: Eating tasty food often restores a mood, or at least puts us in a better mindset. They aren’t always the healthiest things, though they aren’t necessarily unhealthy. They have to be done in moderation, as you see I indicate with lattes it’s “extra” lattes that go on the comfort food side. I usually have two decaf lattes a week, one on Wednesday, and one on Friday.

Comfort Foods are for a “limited time”. An extra latte means I don’t get one the following day, or I don’t get one every single day of the week. I take the comfort it offers when it’s needed, and resume my usual drinking habits.

Things like Pasta Salad are for weeks when I need a bit of help, or when I’ve done good, because they’re multiple serving things. So like, my birthday week, eating a pasta is good. Or a week where everything went to hell, and I can’t focus on making something “new” and I just need to eat – but then it’s right back to normality after that week. This is not have pasta for an entire month, this is a way to set intentions, and work on orienting myself back to normal with food I love, and food I can make with my eyes closed.

Single-serving things, like cheesecake or hot chocolate, are usually Reward self-care. Like fuck yeah, I did great, I should give myself a little treat. It encourages my good behavior, and does not become an indulgence. It also ends up “planned”, and so the rest of the meals work around that indulgence so I don’t go overboard with it, either.

Knowing what foods, and what I use them for, helps me to use them when they will be most beneficial for me. Things like “extra lattes” also makes me think: Do I really want to do this now, or wait until the day I’m going to have it? Is there a reason I need it now? What will I do after I have it? How does this impact everything else in the balance?

So these are kind of the “quick trick” emotional self-care tools I use. Obviously, you should try to have a steady way of regulating your emotions, but shit happens. Cars break down, work days suck, friends are angry, people die…we need to have tools to get “back to normal”, or close enough to normal.

And you should also, absolutely, take time to treat yourself in self-care! If you don’t reward yourself, what’s the point in being “balanced”, and not just living a hedonistic lifestyle? That’s why comfort food as rewards is a thing! It’s why you can use these as rewards, if it helps, for doing good!

These are just what I do, and what I suggest. These are ideas to get you thinking about what you could put on a list, and how that could help you. If these same ideas work for you, great! If not, you just have to feel out yourself to determine what will help you! Brainstorm with your loved ones!

[live-laugh-lenney]

The One Where YN Meets Will.

Hello, hi!

I’m Emily, I’ve had this blog for a few months now and I’m not sure what I want to do with it, apart from reblog gifs of Will and catch up on all things Youtube and the Eboys and the Sidemen and all that. Thought about giving writing a go, since I’ve done some before on another blog for another fandom, and this came from my brain as an attempt at writing for WillNE.

I am willing to take requests or write anything that anyone wants me to write about, if anyone would like one written for a specific idea.

Hope you like it. x

A consistent buzz came beside her.

Rumbling on top of her bedside table, her phone laid overturned and ringing with an incoming call from someone, charging on the thick Stephen King book that she was halfway through reading, ripples rolling over the surface of the water in the tall glass placed next to it, that she took to bed with her the previous night. She glanced at the salt lamp, small and jagged-looking and emitting a dull orange glow behind the sunlight that streamed through her windows, and gave herself a tut for leaving it on overnight; she couldn’t remember leaving it on although she couldn’t help but give a mental clap at how truthful the benefits of having a Himilayan salt lamp had been.

‘MUM’

The three letter word flashed at her in bold text, above a candid photo that someone had taken of her and her mum in a heart-to-heart chat in the middle of a family barbecue that had taken a turn once her father had found the alcohol stash in the garage and turned a casual family get-together into a night where everyone stumbled over the front doorstep on their way out. A heart-to-heart conversation that had them both smiling brightly at one another.

“Mum, hi.”

“Hi, darling.” Her voice sounded so soft, so sweet, inviting and warm and YN missed her more than anything; if she had anything to say about moving miles away, she would always give the advice of making sure distance was something you could handle. “You sound tired, did I wake you? I thought you’d be on your way to work by now.”

YN looked at the red numbers on the screen of her alarm clock, reading 7:45, and she had a tiny freak-out for a brief moment before she came to the realisation that it was her day off and she wasn’t due into work until after the weekend had finished.

“You did, yeah. I’m not due at work today though. They gave me the day off since my boss’ schedule is just meetings out of town today. He’s up North for conferences and such and it was late notice for me so he didn’t mind me not accompanying him. I wouldn’t have been able to do much anyway,” YN clarified and she used her free hand to push herself up from the mattress. Her hair was knotted and pillow-messed, sticking up in all directions and falling loose from the ponytail she’d thrown it up in before she fell asleep. Her t-shirt twisted around her middle which she adjusted with her fingers, bringing her knees to her chest and staring out the window as the sun continued its rise in the horizon. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, don’t fuss about me,” she heard her mother tut from down the line. But YN couldn’t help but fuss over the two of them; if she lived closer to them, she wouldn’t worry so much because they’d be just a short distance away if they needed her help. But she didn’t live close and she hadn’t done for almost two years; she lived almost 300 miles northeast of where she used to live with her parents and it wouldn’t take her more than twenty minutes to tend to their needs. “We’re both fine, stop worrying yourself, darling. Your dad’s been back doing his gardening so he’s out there already. Watering his flowers, spraying fertiliser, cleaning all the fox poo up. He’s been growing some veggies in the plot next to the greenhouse so you can take some back when you next come to visit.”

YN smiled to herself, bringing her shoulders to her jawline before dropping them and relaxing against her headboard. The back of her head resting against the plush velvet, coloured a clean white, and her toes curled into the sheet beneath her, her fist clutching the duvet as she brought it tighter to her body.

“You can always send me some in a box? Or you could come and visit and drop them off yourself? You know I’ve got the spare room in the new place if you want to come up for a weekend. It’s vacant, just full of my empty moving boxes and bags that I haven’t gotten rid of yet,” YN said, a yawn creeping up her throat that she hid with the palm of her hand, “I need dad’s handyman work to come and help put some shelves up. You’ve not seen it yet.”

“Your dad said it’s a lovely flat. Lovely view. Lovely building. But, you know what he’s like when it comes to describing things. Everything’s lovely,” her mother snorted and YN laughed softly; her father had always been vague and she’s pretty sure that she’d never heard him use any other word to describe something other than ‘lovely’. “We’ve been talking about paying you a visit.”

“Please do. It’s a little lonely here by myself. I’m yet to meet new friends or have a chat with the neighbours. Everyone’s either back in Cornwall or back in Hackney and both are a hefty distance away.”

YN had never considered herself as an introvert so to call herself lonely felt strange.

She was always the friend who asked for the bill, she was the friend who made the complaint in a restaurant when a plate of food came back wrong, she was the friend who made advances on blokes in pubs and clubs because her friends were too shy to go and introduce themselves and she was the friend who always carried the responsibility of making polite conversation with people in pubs when they needed a table to perch themselves at. She was that friend. So making friends with strangers and starting conversations with her co-workers and approaching others who she found had kind features was never something she struggled with.

Moving to a new place and having to make new relationships and form new bonds, regardless of how far it was from the bonds and relationships you already had, she found it daunting to start fresh.  

“What are you doing today?”

“I’m not sure. The weather is really nice and it looks warm out so I might go and explore Canary Wharf and see what’s around. I need to do some shopping, food and furniture, so I might do some of that,” YN rolled onto her side and let her cheek rest against the cold side of her mattress, the backs of her thighs exposed to the cool air of her bedroom as her t-shirt rose up her body; and she made a mental note to buy herself so proper pyjamas because knickers and an oversized t-shirt could cause more problems than expected. “We’ve got a lovely grass area outside the block of flats so I might sit out there, soak up the sunshine, read a book and eat some lunch. I don’t know. Might see how the day goes, I have a good feeling about it.”

“Go exploring. You can find some places to show us when we come to visit,” and YN smiled.

“I’ll do that. You’ll love it mum. This place is amazing. I feel so lucky to have been given something as beautiful as this. I had a crack den for my first flat so this feels like a dream,” she stared at her ceiling. There was no yellow tint from how the previous tenants smoked inside and there were no unusually coloured stains on the ceiling’s coving that caught the eye because of how a stain of that colour shouldn’t have been there, leaving the mystery of just how it got there… and YN didn’t need that kind of stress over something like that. “It doesn’t smell like pee, there’s no syringes outside and there’s no sign of vomit or shit stains on the floor because it’s all laminate.”

“You deserve it, darling. You really do.”

“It’s clean, mum. It came clean, it smells clean, it looks clean. Everything looks brand new and,” YN pauses for a moment, rolling onto her stomach and she sighs with content, “I love it.”

*

After hanging up, she contemplated getting up and getting dressed for the day.

It felt rather tempting to stay in her comfortable loungewear and enjoy the silence, the time to herself and the time off she had been after for so long, taking advantage of Deliveroo and ordering food for breakfast, lunch and dinner rather than cooking something homemade and having the leftovers the next day (or for when she woke up in the early hours with a hankering for something to nibble on, because she could, because she didn’t have an authority figure to tell her no).

By the time her phone call ended with her mother, it was a little over forty-five minutes later and her alarm clock showed a time that she didn’t want to see on her day off; 8:35am. She expected another hour or two added on to her usual sleep schedule, to make a difference to the usual 6am alarm call that had her detesting her job just a tiny bit, but it wasn’t frowned upon because she’d take any given opportunity to speak to her mother. The one person she called her best friend because she really was the only person, apart from her father, that she’d drop anything and everything important for. Her sleep didn’t matter when she got to her the voice of someone she missed so dearly.

Porridge and fruit, a colourful array of strawberries and blueberries and bananas and cranberries in her bowl, and a warm cup of tea had been her breakfast as she caught up with the lifestyle Youtube channel she had been in the loop with. A Youtube channel that she had been a big fan of from the moment she moved to London, one who she turned to in times of need, one that she stumbled across when googling aesthetically pleasing ways to decorate a flat because she really needed to do something about how her Hackney flat had looked before a lick of paint and a hanging plant, one that she continued to view and like and followed tips from, even when it came to her new flat.

“Don’t be afraid to like monochrome and definitely don’t be afraid to follow a colour scheme that might seem ‘out there’ and in your face. If you like lime green then go paint a portion of your wall that colour. If you like the brightest shade of pink then go mad and add some colour to your life. You can never feel more organised than when your surroundings follow a consistent pattern that brings immense amounts of joy when you enter.”

The young girl on her screen, with space-buns either side of her head and an outfit that definitely came from a trendy thrift store clothes rail, sat before a wall of a delicious shade of peach that YN thought looked lovely; not for herself, because she’d stuck with the whites and the greys and the blacks that her flat already consisted of, but perfect for the young twenty-something year old.

“There are loads of websites where you can buy hanging plants, or artificial hanging baskets, and hanging canvas prints and wall art. I’m always looking for new things to buy so I’ll link some of my favourite online stores for you to check out; hit my Instagram mentions up with photos of things you’ve brought, too. That’s what I love to see.”

YN’s spoon clinked against the ceramic bowl in front of her as she pushed it away from her, reaching for her television remote and turning off her Youtube app, her television turning off completely and leaving a black screen behind. The flat falling silent. She looked around her, drumming her fingers against the tabletop, eyes squinting as the sunlight streamed through the wall-to-ceiling windows and made everything feel bright..

As much as she warmed to the idea of staying inside and ordering furniture and decor for her home, scrolling through online stores to buy something she thought she needed but really didn’t need, she had a good feeling about the upcoming day.

*

“Listen, love, I’m not sure if you could tell but I’m not exactly a people person. I don’t know you, don’t want to know you, have no plans to get to know you. You might live in the building but that doesn’t mean we need to be friendly.”

He spoke with such vigour in his voice that YN could only keep quiet so as to not entice a negative reaction out of him in such a confined space because confrontation was something she was never comfortable with. Sure, she’d endured confrontation before but that was from people she had been acquainted with, the ones she was friends with, people she saw on a daily basis and from people she worked with, from those who were supposed to confront her when something was wrong or hadn’t been down in a way it was supposed to be done; her boss, mainly. This man was a complete stranger, someone she didn’t know,someone she’d never seen before so instant regret filled her veins. She thought he looked friendly enough to start a quick conversation, to make the lift ride seem a little less boring, filling the empty space with general chit-chat.

Cowering away from him and almost closing in on herself, even though his attention stayed focused on the screen of his phone as he scrolled through a social media app, she thought he’d finished with her and she hadn’t expected him to perk up anymore.

“Not everyone likes to chat to strangers.”

“Well, I like chatting to strangers so don’t mind him,” a quirky Geordie accent perked up from behind her, her posture adjusting at the sudden appearance of someone behind her; she’s sure she didn’t see anyone else in the lift, apart from the towering bloke beside her, when she stepped into the lift but, then again, he was tucked away in the corner with a cap on his head and she had been looking at the floor as she entered because a mark on her white shoe had caught her attention. “Come chat to me, if you want. Promise I won’t bite your head off like matey-boy there.”

Her trainers squeaked on the floor as she spun around, eyes raking up and down his figure so she could get a good look at who the voice belonged to, almost staking him out in a way. He was a handsome chap, with brown hair sticking out from beneath a black cap upon his head that he’d pulled quite far down his forehead, a cheeky grin on his face that made the mood in the lift much brighter. There was a graphic print printed on the front of the black hoodie he had decided to throw on, the commonly-known Adidas stripes lining the length of his joggers, trainers on his feet with the laces loose and almost untying by themselves (clumsy, she assumed he was, because there’s no way he wouldn’t trip over them as soon as they loosened completely).

“I’m Will. Will Lenney.”

“I’m YN.”

“Do I get your surname? S’only fair since I told you mine.”

She laughed softly and replied with her surname, a look of appreciation on his features as he held his hand out for her to take, which she gladly shook with her own. Skin so soft, fingers so delicate, with a hold so strong that she couldn’t find herself letting go. She didn’t want to let go. This was the first contact she’d had with someone new, in a month of being new to the area, and it just so happened to be with someone she found rather attractive to the eye.

The bloke from before, who had tore down her attempts at being the friendly neighbour who he would, no doubt, see quite often, couldn’t help but let out the strongest sigh of annoyance. A sound that brought them back to reality, hands falling from their hold, dropping back down to their sides with a faint rosy-look on their cheeks that didn’t come from how warm it was. A sound that made the both of them turn their noses up, that made them their eyebrows scrunch on their browlines and made them want to really throw words at him until he gained some manners. Yet they ignored him because he wasn’t worth the time.

“You’re new here, aren’t you? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before,” he started, adjusting the backpack on his shoulder that had slipped with the movement of his arm falling down to his side. His fingertips and right down to the middle of his palm still felt heavy with the thought of her hand still in his. “I’d remember such a beautiful face.”

The heat already on her cheeks reached boiling and she knew her flushed look caught his attention. His smile turning into a grin which had her looking at her feet, shyly. A handsome lad with a sense of immense charm about him; she liked him and it wasn’t typical of her to form an attraction at such an early stage.

“Yeah, I moved in about a month ago. Floor 10, right at the end of the corridor. A proper upgrade from where I used to be located but thanks to my work, they moved me from my previous office block to my current office block in Canary Wharf and said they’d move me closer if necessary,” she thought she was rambling and she expected a look of faint annoyance on his features that would silently tell her to shut up. She picked at the loose string hanging from the hem of her t-shirt and twirled it around her finger, looking up from her feet and seeing a look of intense concentration on his face, enticing her to carry on. “The move was necessary. Completely necessary. It wasn’t a nice place where I was before, it was the first thing I saw on the website and I was desperate for somewhere to live. If I stayed there, I would be half an hour away otherwise.”

Canary Wharf.

It was a complete upgrade from the streets of Hackney and the dingy flat she had become so accustomed to for a little less than a year; the smell of weed and tobacco would fill the corridors and hit her in the face when she left her front door, the lights were always dim and flickered and the lifts were rickety and untrustworthy, discarded bikes and scooters and old prams and baby-carriers littered the space between one end of the hallway to the other, suspicious figures dressed in black hoodies and grey joggers always greeted her with stone-cold faces and squared-up jaws. An attempt, she guessed, to look like they were the typical hardnuts of the complex and that they weren’t to be messed with, even if it was just a polite ‘excuse me’ to pass them by and to be out of their hair within a moment.

It wasn’t all bad, regardless. Her neighbours were sweethearts, they always said hello and invited her in for cups of tea and a slice of cake after she finished work, most people were kind and warm and had their own back stories as to why they chose such a place to live - she could only imagine that the building was a nice place to live, with residents who took care of themselves and the place they lived in, before London gangs took over and were on the high of increasing and before drug dealers became more frequent on the streets - and her life, thank god,  was never bothered. No one intervened, no one found her life to be their business to spread and life felt normal; she had a home, somewhere to live, somewhere to sleep and eat and shower and feel warm and cosy in a bed. Even if it wasn’t as nice as she had wanted it to be, she had somewhere.

Her new flat was almost dream-like if you compared it to what she lived in before. It made her Hackney flat look like a pit; a drug-den, if you will. She could wake up to pure sunshine filtering through double-glazed windows and there was no chance that she would be rudely woken up in the middle of the night from the ghoulish moans of the wind getting trapped between cracked window panes or the drunken yells of people stumbling down the hallways back to their homes. She could walk to her new place of work rather than hop on public transport and she could take the time to explore a side of London she never had the chance to see. Her floor was laminated wood, heated when the nights were cold, and there were no stains of garishly and disgusting colours of god-knows-what from previous tenants who had lived there. The view was beautiful, she could see right to the end of the horizon, and the scenes she was greeted with on her arrival home were almost picturesque… except pictures could never do it justice.

She’d been there for a month.

A whole four weeks.

And she could already feel improvements in her lifestyle that weren’t so bold before. She woke up happier and didn’t feel the need to stay in bed for a lie-in, she felt happier during the day and had a bob in her step that brought light to her office block, she felt safe when she walked out the reception and into the open space by the entrance and didn’t feel like she would be jumped by hiding predators if she arrived home late at night. She was friendly with her neighbours, always popped round to give them any post that had been posted through her mailbox by accident or if deliveries were left with them when she’d been at work and always started a conversation with them when they stood waiting for the lift to arrive on their floor.

“Oh, nice. What is it-”

The ding of the lift stopped Will mid-sentence, silenced them and halted their conversation as the doors opened to reveal the reception floor, empty and desolate from people. It was mid-morning, almost lunchtime, so YN had assumed most were working or out in the streets of London to enjoy the sunshine; the latter being what she had planned to do.

The man from the lift, who had tucked himself in the corner and stuck earphones in to block out their conversation, made sure he was the first one out and disappeared before YN could give him a sarcastic goodbye, not that he would have heard her anyway so she settled with a wave, a really exaggerated and over-the-top wiggle of her fingers, and hoped he saw it in the reflection of the window as he left and disappeared into the mass of people walking by their block of apartments.

“You’re a right character, you,” Will admitted, nudging her with his elbow and smirking at her, “what is it you do, job-wise? That’s what I wanted to ask.”

“I’m a PA for a CEO at an advertising company. A personal assistant who runs and gets coffee for everyone, gets lunch during her lunch-break, who organises meetings and creates schedules and gets the big boss what he wants when he wants it,” she clarified, “it’s not exactly the best job and I wish I was doing something I wanted to do but it pays well. For now, it’s enough to get me by and keep this place.”

They started walking toward the automatic doors of the entrance, feeling the cool air of the shade on their exposed skin that definitely disappeared as soon as the sunshine hit them, coming to a stop just by a brick wall. Young children were running around with their parents walking behind, cyclists were dinging bells to pass through large groups and groups of university students were huddled on the grass, eating lunches they’d brought from restaurants on their way, backpacks discarded and being used as pillows as they laughed and joked. Tourists were taking photos and posing to show off where they’d been and what they got up to when it came to showing their friends back home and businessmen and businesswomen were almost speed-walking to get back to their offices in time with a styrofoam takeaway lunch in their hands.

“I’m not keeping you from anything, am I? Just tell me to piss off if I am.”

“No, no. Don’t be silly. I’m only popping round the corner to see my mate. He won’t mind if I’m late,” he said, perching down on the brick wall and patting the space beside him. The legs of his ankles rose up to show the white ankle socks he’d paired with his trainers., “What is it you want to do as a job? Just, the way you talk about your job now makes it sound like you don’t like it.”

“I do like it there. But I don’t want to be a personal assistant, running round London to get coffee and sandwiches, for the rest of my life. I’ve always dabbled in blogging, taking photos, talking about nonsense and stuff. Posting videos and vlogging, too. I’ve tried it out as something fun, documenting holidays and stuff, and I’d love to do something with that and take it further but... I don’t know,” she sat down beside him, sliding her bag off of her shoulder and setting it on her lap, arm looped underneath the handles to keep it from spilling the contents inside, “I don’t want to be a social influencer but someone who does what she wants to do and gets by by just being herself. No companies to promote her or anything. Nothing to boost her. All her,” she stared off into the distance, tapping the heel of her foot against the concrete. Will nodded. “What do you do?”

“I, uh,” he scoffed out a laugh and rubbed the nape of his neck. His hat fell from his head and he decided to swap the shade of the cap to the sunglasses he had hanging from the neck of his hoodie, “funnily enough, I post videos on Youtube. I’m a Youtuber.”

Her head whipped round and she gawked at him. Eyes wide, mouth agape and her hand found his forearm, squeezing it tightly with excitement.

“You’re not?”

“I am, yeah. I was in university, didn’t like what I was studying, and I was told that if I really felt strongly about this Youtube malarky then I should pursue it to its possible potential and see where I end up. My mum’s words, not mine,” he snorted. He felt her hand loosen around his forearm and he watched her face become rigid as she came to the realisation of what she’d done. He dismissed it because he didn’t want to embarrass her but, really, he didn’t mind and he found it endearing.  “I’m not that big or popular or anything but I’ve got a couple million subscribe-”

“Not that big,” she mocked and rolled her eyes, “a couple million subscribers is huge. I’ll have to search you up. What’s your channel name?”

“WillNE. Like, Will then an N then an E. Like a-”

“Like a play on words with your surname,” she grinned as she proudly finished his sentence for him and he nodded, rather pleased with himself; and she had to give it to him, it was something special, unique and rather creative than some of the stand-out names she could think of from the platform. Some were really out there and had no relevance to who they were nor what they spoke about, some were vague and some were almost as bonkers as the people who came up with them. “That’s really cool. This is really cool. A famous Youtuber lives in my flat complex... I’m talking to a famous Youtuber right now... heck, I’ve managed to keep my cool around someone famous and I’m amazed I haven’t embarrassed myself. Wait till I tell my friends about this. They won’t believe me.”

“They’re not fangirls or anything, are they?”

“No, ha. If anyone’s the fangirl out of my friends then it’s me. I’ll find myself watching Youtube when I’ve got nothing else to do,” she admitted, “cooking dinner? I’ll stick someone on to watch. Can’t sleep? I’ll just binge watch someone until I’m tired. Day off and there’s nothing to do? I’ll find a channel and just let it go from there.”

“Maybe I’ll pop up on there one day. I’ll help cure your boredom,” Will grinned, “then you can say ‘hey, that’s one of my mates there on my telly, that is’.”

A comfortable silence swallowed the both of them as they sat and let the seconds tick by. The tweets of the birds came from above, distant chatter came from the students lounging on the grass behind, scuffs of soles signified people were walking and jogging nearby and despite the feeling of time coming to end between the two of them, neither of them wanted to leave the other, neither wanted to bring the conversation to an end and neither of them wanted to part ways.

“So, we’re mates, huh?”

“Yeah, I reckon so,” Will smiled. Eyes locking with hers for a brief second, long enough to catch the twinkle in her eye and the genuine smile that lifted up her lips, “you’re a good’un. I like you. I think we’ll get along really bloody well, me and you.”

*

(WILL’S TEXTS. YN’S TEXTS.)

Filming a video tomorrow. Fancy coming by?

Won’t I get in the way?

Bollocks will you. Come along. Please. You can see firsthand how to make a Youtube video since you said you’ve always thought about it.

Where?

Only at my place. A TWOTI.

This Week On The Internet… nice one. I’ll be there.

You’ve done your research on me!

Spent all day googling you. As soon as you walked away, I started my research and I cut my day short so I could come home and watch your videos. Just call me a superfan now.

Superfan, ha.

I’ll have to test you. Could get you in a video to see if you’re my biggest fan.

Try me. I’ll get full marks. Your subscribers will look like phonies compared to me, hahaha.

You might have to sit off camera, out of shot, tomorrow. If I don’t finish everything by the time you get here, that is. No distractions. No pulling faces behind the camera.

I’ll be on my best behaviour. I’ll fangirl at the door, drop my Twitter handle into conversation, ask for a signature and a photo and then I’ll be fine.

I’m not going to regret this, am I?

You won’t hear a peep out of me. Promise.

Come by after lunch then. We can get some takeaway for lunch or something, if you don’t eat before, and I’ll have some bits filmed by the time you get here so you won’t have to sit in silence for too long.

Make it 1pm and it’s a deal.

Why 1pm?

It’s Saturday tomorrow. I don’t get up before noon on the weekends. Not even for you, mister big-shot Youtuber. ;)

And here I was, thinking you would throw your routine away for your new best mate.

Nice try.. see you tomorrow, William.

Ohh, serious. Full name and all. I see how it is, YN.

Goodnight, you muppet.

See you tomorrow. x

[imagineaworlds]

Rules & Roses

“you’re late”

Written By: @desperately-bisexual​

Request: None.

Warnings: Cursing, mention of death. Pretty sure that’s it.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Non-binary!Reader x Emily Prentiss (poly triad)

Word Count: 2046

“You’re late,” I said to him while grinning. He shook his head, trying to stop himself from laughing so that he could focus on running up to me.

Aaron Christopher Hotchner was his name. Though I had learned a lot about him since we officially started talking on that cold Tuesday morning, I still thought of him as that six foot Nordic God. He hated that nickname, though. No matter how many times I used it, he never gave in, but I liked teasing him with it. Only two weeks had passed since we first started talking, and yet it seemed like we knew each other a lifetime. More than that, actually. My worries of talking to a stranger faded quickly the more we passed each other on the trail, then would chat as we walked to our cars. It was a nice, unspoken ritual we had. But it always started like this. No matter if it was warm or cold, sunny or cloudy, busy or quiet, we met at that park bench at the top of the U-turn. Usually, we ran beside each other, or he would be waiting up for me. This time, I was waiting on him. That wasn’t usual.

“How am I late?” he asked.

I looked at my watch. “It’s 7:17.”

“So?”

“You never reach the bench later than 7:15.”

Aaron smiled and put his hands on his hips to help him catch his breath. “Who’s stalking who now?”

“I never said you stalked me. Those are your own words.”

“Ha. Ha.” He panted for another second. “My son woke up late, so I got here late.”

I froze. During our little conversations here and there, he had never once mentioned anything about having a family. He didn’t wear a wedding ring, he seemed more than happy to flirt with me, and he never, ever said anything about having a son. This whole time, I thought he was an available man. I would have never flirted with him if I knew that he was taken, that he had other promises and responsibilities besides meeting me, practically a stranger, in the park every morning. Of course someone like him would have been snatched up by someone else. Of course the one person I saw myself potentially getting involved with since moving to D.C. was the one person I couldn’t have. My fucking luck, right? I was so stupid. How did I not see it before? Why did I get involved in all of this in the first place? I promised myself I wouldn’t talk to a stranger, and I broke that promise for him. I promised that I wouldn’t let my desperate urge for sex and love blind my ability to read social queues and dictate what was good and bad for me— and I fucking broke that promise. I saw him— I felt his hands on my hips— and everything I had learned from past experiences flew out the window. For a moment, for a blissful, wonderful moment, I forgot about Lauren because I had all of my focus on the Nordic God. A Nordic God that was taken. How fucking ridiculous.

Aaron sat down next to me. I scooted away, and he immediately noticed. A couple of days ago, I asked him what his job was at the FBI, and he told me that he studied the behavior of serial killers in order to find them. When he cracked a joke that his ability to “profile” serial killers was a curse that affected every aspect of his life, I asked him if he could profile me. Profiling was putting together all of the behaviors he spotted in someone in order to tell what kind of person they were, are, and could potentially be. Aaron laughed. He said that he had already profiled me the day we met. “Your eyes were on my friend the entire time,” he said. “Her name’s Emily, by the way.” So, that had confirmed that it wasn’t Lauren I saw. Though I was somewhat relieved, I was also disappointed, and Aaron noticed. He asked me why I was staring at her, and I simply dodged a real answer by telling him that I thought she was someone else. His profiling skills seemed to tell him I was lying. Despite the fact that he knew I wasn’t telling the truth, he didn’t pry. He never did. When I moved away from him on the bench, however, and he noticed, that was the first time I ever heard him get serious with me.

“What is it?” he asked me quietly and sincerely. I shook my head. “Y/N, it’s not what you think—”

“Why…” I hesitated for a beat. “Why would you keep flirting with me if—”

“My wife died years ago, Y/N. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

If I wasn’t embarrassed before, I was as red as a fucking tomato, and this time for all the wrong reasons. Originally, I had simply assumed that him having a son meant that he was still with someone. My first mistake. Then, I thought that it all meant that he didn’t like me, that he had been stringing me around for no reason, that maybe I was seeing between the lines. My second mistake. Now, I was embarrassed because I had made a complete fool of myself by tensing up at the thought of him having a kid— something I really didn’t mind, actually— and then I admitted that I thought he was flirting, all while practically pushing him away. I fucked this all up. Why was it that he made me trip over my tongue like this? I mean, he was always in my head since that first day we met and I felt his hands on my hips; and I found myself wanting to spend more time with him and impressing him. All of that had just been flushed down the drain. Any chance I had to keep being this happy and distracted had just disappeared because I had been stupid.

“I’m sorry.” I did a lot of compulsive apologizing around him. Because he made me trip over my own tongue, I always happened to say the wrong thing, so I constantly needed to apologize, which I could tell he found adorable, but I found it to be humiliating. “I didn’t mean to force that out of you.”

“It’s okay. It’s been so long, and I’ve had to tell so many people; I’m neutral about it these days.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“If you say sorry one more time, I’m going to start feeling bad.”

“Sorr—” I caught myself before laughing. “That’s going to be a bad habit to break.”

“All habits are hard to break.” He shrugged, leaned back, and looked forward to make the feeling between us casual again. “New rule, no more apologizing.”

Part of getting to know each other was making rules in order to make ourselves comfortable. I didn’t pry about his work, he didn’t ask me any more about his friend Emily. I didn’t stare below his belt (a personal rule I made for myself that I never disclosed to him), and he didn’t stare too long at my breasts when I would wear a low cut or tight shirt (a rule he made for himself that went unsaid). The rules would come up occasionally, but only when we were sitting on that park bench surrounded by roses. The parking lot, however, was fair game. Because that was the last time we would get to see each other until the next day, which was never guaranteed since he traveled so much— just like Lauren always did— we both got to break our staring rules until we would get into our separate cars. This new rule about apologizing didn’t seem like just a roses rule, though. If I had to guess, Aaron was going to keep an eye on me to make sure I wouldn’t  break this new rule.

I nodded. “Okay, fine. But, no more being late,” I said. He also nodded. “And, I need a 6AM warning every time you won’t be here.”

Aaron looked at me. “How am I supposed to do that?”

“Phone,” I demanded while holding out my hand. Aaron urgently dug into his pocket, racing to grab his phone before I could change my mind about giving him my number. He was too chicken shit to ask for it, so I didn’t mind taking that first step for him. Afterall, it was the most I could do since I totally messed up by getting uptight about his son. Speaking of which, when I turned Aaron’s phone on, I saw a picture of him holding his son, both of them smiling ear to ear after what looked like a victory after one of his son’s soccer games. I felt myself melting. “He’s adorable.” He had blonde hair, which wasn’t like his dad at all, but the brown eyes, lips, and nose were all a mirror image of Aaron.

“His name’s Jack.”

“How old is he?”

“Nine.”

I smiled at him before looking back down to unlock his phone and put my information into the Contacts app. When I was done, I turned it off and handed it back to him. “There. Now you can text me at 6AM every time you know you’re not going to be here.”

“And what about… other than 6AM?” He was biting his lip again. I always knew that he was flirting with me when he would bite his lip like that. He was the professional profiler, yet he couldn’t have been more obvious. One would think that he knew how to hide his tells better than that, but he really seemed to suck at it. “Can I call you tonight, maybe?”

“For what?”

He hadn’t anticipated that I would nudge him back with a question. “I—” He didn’t know what to say. I giggled. “Is it too late to take my rule back so that I can say sorry for being too forward?”

“Yeah. It is. Sometimes it’s okay to be forward.” I stood from the bench, giving him the idea that it was time to go. He stood, too, taking my lead because he seemed like a lost puppy that needed to be told what to do. “I get off work at seven. You can call me for whatever it is you have on your mind any time after that.” I jumped on my toes to warm myself up, also testing to see just how long he could keep his eyes on mine and not one any other part of me that was a little more… distracting. “I’ll race you to the parking lot.”

“What happens if you win?”

“Who said there needs to be prizes?”

“The new rule I just made,” he said like it was a tease.

I squinted at him. “You can’t just make rules up for your benefit, Aaron.”

“Well, if you win, Y/N, I’ll stop making up random rules.”

“And if you win?”

I saw his answer coming from a mile away, but I still felt myself smiling when he said, “I take you out for dinner after our call tonight.”

“Deal.”

Aaron wasn’t prepared at all yet, but that didn’t stop me from beginning my dash down the path. Though I was inevitably going to let him win, I still had to put up somewhat of a fight to make his win believable. Aaron seemed to notice immediately. Before I could make it very far, he was already speeding past me, intent on winning so  that he could take me to dinner. Dummy. I wasn’t trying very hard to win. He didn’t seem to notice, though,even as we reached the parking lot where he claimed his victory. He slowed to a stop. As I caught up, he turned around and smiled.

“You’re late,” he teased me.

I rolled my eyes. “Pick me up at eight.” I immediately started making my way towards my car, which gave Aaron the chance to break his rule so that he could stare at me for a little longer than he was supposed to. “And don’t be late!” I called back to him.

------------

criminal minds family: @peggy1999​ @gorgeousdarkangel​  @alex--awesome--22​ @oceaneblu​ @brithedemonspawn​ @absolutemarveltrash​ @bshelley322​

[ssa-daddyhotchner]

Undercover - Chapter 8

Chapter Selection

Few days later

"Hey, did you hear me", I was taken out of my thoughts by Aaron waving his hand at me trying to get my attention. "I'm sorry say that again."

"I asked if you were hungry, we didn't exactly get to eat this morning." I looked out the window at the fog rolling through. The light reflecting off the water in the street; the empty roads and sidewalks.

"Y/n your doing it again, are you okay." I reassure him, "Baby I'm fine just tired. To answer your earlier question no I'm not hungry but thanks." I was just tired...I think. 

It had been a blur for the past few days; maybe it was because we were in that stage with no cases, just desk work. 

I didn't realize we made it to work until the car stopped and the heat wasn't on me anymore. Aaron reached his hand out for mine and I grabbed it squeezing tightly; going into the building. 

"You're gonna go to my office and wait I need to sort something out but were gonna talk." I nodded and he kissed my temple before we left the elevator. 

Ignoring everyone saying their hellos, I walked straight to his office closing the door behind me and locking it. I sat on the couch waiting; I opened the door when I heard a knock and Aaron walked in. 

He turned the chair in front of his desk towards me and sat down. 

"Y/n please tell me what's going on", I let out a deep breath. "I've just been a little irritable, I'm just in a mood." I smiled weakly at him.

He was about to say something when there was a knock. Aaron opened the door and Strauss came in. 

"Aaron I need to speak to-", Strauss saw me. "Good you're both here....sit down." 

Hotch sat back behind his desk, Strauss and I both sitting in front of him. 

"What's this about", I finally spoke up. "We need you two to go undercover into the Stalone crime family." Um what the fuck say that again. 

"Can you repeat that again ma'am." 

"You both will need to go undercover, there's been a suspicion that the family is responsible for a string of murders all over the City. The people that were murdered were affiliated with the family. You'd be gone no longer than a few months, Agent Hotchner will be your significant other. You guys would have to gain their trust longer enough to prove they committed the crimes. Anything they have you do to prove your trust will be excused. Now do you have any questions?" 

Hell yeah I had questions like. What the fuck would happen if we get killed before anything acually happens. Will we be in contact with the team; I thought.

I sit there in silence in my own head, running rampant through my mind thinking how weird it is that I'm taking on the assignment when I haven't been at this job for no longer than 6 months. 

Hotch speaks up, "Do we know why they are killing people and why do we have to befriend them can't we just bait them into it."

"You need to befriend them because the other families supplied the stalones with their funding for illegal activities to supply the people of New York with their drugs; you can't bait them because they don't kill for nothing they wanted something first in this case money."

"But don't they get their money from what they sell?" I asked, I was still confused about the whole situation. "They do but that money gets spread and cut between everyone." 

"They all are an equal cut but the Stalones don't think they get paid enough because they make and sell the product." All we said was okay. "Here are the files. They have your new names, locations of the place you will be staying and tickets for a party you two will be attending tomorrow to meet them." 

Strauss hands us the files; Hotch and I flip through them.

"The team will be there for cover and give you daily updates as the they will be your maids, butlers, just the buildings workers etc. If you have any further questions ask them now." 

We don't say anything but shake our heads no. "Ok then it's settled, you guys are excused for the rest of the day go home and get ready your flight leaves at 6am tomorrow." 

Strauss gets up and leave, Hotch and I just sharing looks. 

We walk out of the office and go to our desks grabbing the files glancing inside them and leave the building. 

"Do you just wanna stay at my place" Hotch asks me. 

"Yeah, meet me at my apartment I gotta pack then we can go." 

He says okay and we drive to my apartment. "I won't be longer than half an hour, make yourself at home." I start packing my things and I hear him walking around looking at my stuff. 

"Having fun", I chuckle. 

"Uhh no..yeah, so you like to read." He asks me. "I read what I can, I haven't read half of them." 

"Then why buy them?" 

"So when I finish a book I don't need to leave the house to get another. I buy them in advance and I think they pull the whole place together. I'm confused haven't you been here?; you didn't notice it then" 

"I have been here and last time I was too busy taking care of you to look at everything before."

I’m almost done packing when I hear him playing one of my records on the turntable. "You better not scratch those, If I hear it skipping your paying me for a new one." 

"Okay, okay I’m done messing with your stuff." Good I mutter to myself. "What'd you say!" 

"Nothing!"

I finish packing walking out my room into the living room and out the door.

We walk out and I put my bags in his car. The Beatles was playing on the radio and he taps his finger on the steering wheel to the beat. I stare out the window thinking. 

We arrive at his place and we go inside; he walks in behind me. 

We pull out the files and head to his dinner room and sit at the table next to each other. First time opening the file since we got it this morning. 

I open it, "I am no longer y/n y/l/n but Amelia Perez." 

"You are now looking at Christopher Harris, your boyfriend of two years born and raised in New York." 

"I am from Omaha, Nebraska... well that's fancy." He laughs turning to face me. "It is fancy... all that corn." 

"Oh of course it is but not as fancy as New York City or then Amelia would have never left." 

I closed the file and laid my head on his lap. Closing his file he starts to run his hand through my hair. "I've been thinking, are you ever gonna tell Hayley about me?"

 I knew she was a bitch but if I was going to be in her sons life she kind of needed to know. 

"I'll tell her eventually... she has a habit of getting jealous about my relationships." I furrowed my brows. He read my mind; he continued. 

"One time she took a bat to my ex girlfriends car." He brought his hand behind his neck rubbing it. 

I sat up on my knees and stared at him, "So what you're saying is....if she found out she could literally try to hurt me", He nodded. 

I sighed, hearing the knock on the door for the food I got it and payed setting it on the dinning room table.

He stood up walking wrapping his arms around me. "So, since we are a couple for this case. We don't have to hide our relationship." I turned around facing him. 

"it's gonna be so weird, the teams gonna see us. But that means I can show you off." He hummed bringing his lips to mine. The kiss was slow and passionate, we pulled apart to eat.

We finish eating and continue looking at the case. "We're going to be living in Manhattan in a Penthouse overlooking the city." 

"Those houses are fancy as hell, ok now I’m excited."

Shit I'm gonna have some fun with this. Aaron looks at me with a smirk, "Stop." I just shrug it off smiling at the ground.

_____________________________

"The file says that the clothes for the party are gonna be at the penthouse which is great for me considering I have zero party clothes." He looks at me, raises one eyebrow. 

"You're trying to say you have absolutely no party dresses, nothing." I nod my head, "Your kidding me you gotta have something." 

"Unless you count dresses that barely cover my ass then yeah I got some." 

"Ok we've gone over the case", I look at the clock 11pm. "We still have 7 hours till the jet", I say while going to straddle him. His hands making there way up my thighs to my hips. 

"What are we gonna do with all. that. time." Bringing his lips closer to my ear whispering. 

I back my head away grazing my lips over his; gently pressing them together. Moving our lips like we'd done it for years. 

The kiss was getting more heated, his tongue swiped my bottom lip. 

I open my mouth immediately letting his tongue into my mouth. I bit his lip and he lets out a groan. 

His hand travels down my thighs squeezing behind them. He tucks both his hands under my thighs. He stands us up and I jump. 

Wrapping my legs around his waist; he pins me against the wall. I tug on his hair and he groans in response and tilts his head giving me access to his neck. I place my lips on his jaw kissing down leaving hickeys.

He pulls away from the wall and walks down the hallway. 

He pushes me up against the door of the bedroom swinging it open and kicking it shut. He tosses me on the bed; he takes off his shirt. 

I lean on my elbows while looking at him get undressed. I get up and run my hands down his toned chest and to his belt and undo it. 

I tug at his jeans pulling him onto me. He runs his hands off my waist and to the hem of my shirt and pulls it off. I grab his shoulders and pin him underneath me, straddling him. I grind against him hoping to get some relief.

His hard on pressing against my center has me begging for him to fuck me already. His hands go to my hips and into my waistband; taking off my pants. Our clothes being tossed around the room.

I palm him through his boxers making him groan, "Shit." Taking out his cock, stroking him when his lips crash onto mine and they make their way down my body. 

Taking one of my nipples into his mouth. His tongue flicking over them, I arch my back pressing it against him. 

I cup his face and pull him in for another kiss. I gripped the back of his neck pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. His hands fly to my hips as I get closer to him. He glides his hand to my clit and starts to go in a gentle pace. 

I pull off him and kiss his inner thigh and make my way to his length. His dick twitching...begging to be touched. I kiss his tip and glide my tongue across the base up his shaft. 

I sink down, he pulls my hair into a ponytail and he guides my head down further. 

I circle my tongue around his head, "Fuck little girl." He hisses and he pulls me back up then down again. 

Bobbing my head till he hits the back of my throat making me gag. I pump what I can't fit into my mouth. I moan around him; the vibration making him buck his hips pushing me on more. 

He starts to twitch in my mouth and I pump faster. He throws his head back and tugs harder on my hair. 

My lungs start to burn from the lack of oxygen and tears form at the corners of my eyes. "Keep goin-", he finishes into my mouth and I swallow every drop. 

I pull away leaving a trail of saliva on my lips. He grabs my hair again pulling me into another kiss. 

I grind against him. He pulls away, "What do you want whore." 

"I want you."

"Want me to what?" His eyes getting darker. "Fuck me"

He lifts me up, lining himself up to my entrance. I sink down allowing myself to adjust to his size. I toss my head back as I start to move up and down, his hand moving up my body one hand on my hip and the other on my breast. His hand starts to massage and the other squeezes so hard he's gonna leave bruises. 

His lips moving down onto my collarbone, as he's pounding into me. 

"Baby you feel so good", he grunts and moves faster. He abruptly stops and pulls out, moving me to my hand and knees and thrusts into me again without warning. 

He holds my hands above my head. His hands then push me down. 

I cry out when he pulls my hair to bring me up to his face, I can feel his ragged breath in my ear and on my cheek, he kisses my neck again. 

I move my hands and pull his face into the crook of my neck. He bites at my neck and earlobe. 

That knot forms in my stomach as I reach my second orgasm. I clench around him and with every thrust bringing me closer and closer. 

He starts to pulse as he reaches his high, his hand moves to my clit matching his pace. My breath became shaky and I arch my back, "Fu- Aaron." 

He moans out my name when he finishes in me as I do around him. We sit there for a bit; I wince when he pulls out, and goes into the bathroom. 

He comes back with a rag and cleans between my legs. I get up and pee then head back to the bed. 

He tosses me one of his shirts and a pair of boxers. He puts some underwear on and he climbs in next to me. He pulls me close to him, "Did you tell Hayley about watching Jack for a few months." 

His groans and sits up grabbing the phone; Hayley answers, "Hey so there's this case the I have to work on do you mind taking care of Jack forafewmoths." He mumbles. 

"I'm sorry can you repeat that." 

"I said can you watch jack for a few months." He says more clearly. 

"I swear Aaron one day I'm not gonna give him back to you. You're always leaving, barley in your sons life." 

He didn't answer; saying thank you and hangs up before laying back down behind me.

I turned over to him. 

"If I'm being honest, I'm not tired." He nodded and agreed. I stood up walking to the kitchen hearing footsteps behind me. I look in all the cabinets. 

"What are you looking for." I didn't answer him. I stand on the counter and I find what I wanted.

Reaching my arm above the refrigerator I grab a bottle of vodka. I held it towards him smiling, "You do remember we have a flight at 6 right." I saw the time, "It's only 12. We won't be up that long." 

Aaron goes past me grabbing the shot glasses. He sets them on the counter; poring the shots we take them. A few minutes later we take another, and another, and another. 

Somewhere around shot 10 we couldn't stop laughing. 

"Ok o- who do you hat- the most at wor..k", Aaron looks at me while slumped on the couch. I lay on the floor with my legs on the wall. 

I choke out, "Reid." Aaron busts out laughing rolling off the couch slamming onto the floor; sprawled out. 

"Okay okay whos your favorite." He said while I swung my legs off the wall. 

"You obviously but If not you then Morgan...and Rossi cause he's like my second dad." 

I try and rush over to him but failing and falling on top of him. My face inches away from his. "I love you soooo muc-h." He says slurring his words, he takes his finger pulling on my bottom lip. 

"I know....I love you too." He tried to kiss me missing a places a sloppy kiss on my cheek. 

"It's time for bed", He groaned while I dragged him into the bedroom. Putting him into bed, turning off the light he grabbed my hand pulling my into him. 

"I'm gonna marry you." He said while letting out a deep breath and falling asleep. 

I didn't hear him clearly, but I did hear the word 'marry'. I was too drunk to do anything about it; with that I drifted off. 

______________________

@mac99martin @donttellanyoneireadfanfiction @appleblossoms-posts @marie1115

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

|Yoongi Royal AU|

Yoongi was tired. Tired of having to act proper all the time, tired of constantly having to attend to royal duties, tired of constantly being reminded of what his role was in someday taking over the crown. He was in his 20′s. He just wanted to live like a normal person, just for one day. He didn’t think that was too much to ask, but apparently his father disagreed. 

“You never were going to be able to live a normal life Yoongi. I’m sorry but I can’t let you just leave the palace without guards. Someone could try and hurt you. It’s for your own safety.” 

Well, Yoongi has never really been one to listen to what he was told anyway. So he asked his most trusted attendant, Jin to get him commoner clothing. 

“Why do you want that your highness?” 

“Don’t ask questions just, get them for me. Please, hyung?” 

“Ah, Yoongi I told you not to call me that.”

“But we’re friends, aren’t we?” 

“Yah, don’t look at me like that with those wide puppy eyes! This is exactly why I try to put distance between us you’re too hard to say no to and it conflicts with my job duties.”

“So.. does that mean yes, hyung?”

“Ugh fine! But whatever nonsense you are planning I don’t want to know about it.” 

“Thank you hyung!” 

He did end up getting him the clothing. He even got him a face mask and a hat to mostly cover his identity. He must have known he was planning to sneak out. When Yoongi grabbed the hat to put it on his head a note had fell out onto the floor.

Be safe, Yoongi. Your father will have my head if anything happens to you. But I understand how frustrating it must be to never have had the opportunity to just be treated like a normal person. So although I don’t condone this, I won’t say anything. Just be back before 6am. Your father will be up at that time and I don’t want to be responsible for explaining your whereabouts. 

~Jin hyung

Yoongi smiles as he crumples the note and puts it in his pocket. He puts the mask and hat on, and decides that his disguise will have to be good enough. He checks the time, it’s currently 8pm. His father would be getting ready for bed by now so he should have nothing to worry about. He ties his blankets and bed sheets together and knots it around the bed post, the rest is tossed out the window. He climbs down and heads toward the town. 

It’s even more beautiful at night. The streets are alive with people coming and going to different stores, cafes, and vendors. People are walking by laughing, going into restaurants to have a drink and catch up with friends, it’s a totally different atmosphere than when he is around. When people know they are around the crown prince of the nation they tend to act as if they are walking on egg shells. Now he can just walk amongst everyone else and feel... well,  normal. 

A few people walked by, offering him a smile and kept walking. No bowing, no avoided eye contact and apologies. The smiles were genuine, and he finds himself incredibly happy at this. He decides to stop inside a restaurant for a few drinks and a meal, wanting to eat unhealthy food for once and as much as he wants. When he opens the door, he sees nearly every table is full. He doesn’t want to be recognized, so he walks around until he finally spots an open table in the back corner. He goes to sit down facing away from all the other patrons, only he notices someone else has sat down right across from him at the exact same time. 

“Sorry! Do you mind sharing a table? It’s just that I only now got off from work and I am starving and don’t want to wait for a table.” Is this normal for commoners to do? He doesn’t know. But nonetheless he would at least enjoy some company so he nods. 

“You can stay.”

“Thank you so much! My name is y/n, what’s your name stranger?”

“It’s um..” Thankfully he doesn’t have to finish that sentence as the waiter comes over to take their order. He orders nearly everything on the menu and your eyebrows lift up in surprise.

“Are you really that hungry? Has it been a while since you’ve eaten?”

“No. I just wanted to try one of everything. I’ve never had this kind of food before.” 

“What?! Never ever?!”

“No my family... doesn’t really like me eating this kind of stuff.” 

“Ah, are they vegetarians or something?” Yoongi chuckles.

“Something like that.” 

“Well you’re in for a treat! This place has the best food I think I’ve ever had. They really know how to make the ingredients go a long way.” 

“Oh? Are they running low on food?”

“Well, the harvest wasn’t the best this year so a lot of restaurants are lacking or had to change their menus.” 

“But...you’re not starving right?”

“Oh, no. We make it work! Thank you for being concerned though.” You smile at him and his heart thuds loudly in his chest. You have a beautiful smile, and beautiful eyes that seem to light up when you do. Before he can dwell on it any further you begin asking him questions.

“Are you from around here? I just run one of the stalls at the market so I pretty much know everyone but, you don’t seem familiar to me.” 

“Half my face is covered how would you know that?” 

“Ah, I recognize people pretty easily by their eyes. Yours don’t look too familiar to me. Like, I feel I have seen them before just not up close. They’re really pretty though.” Yoongi is glad his face is covered so you can’t see him blush. 

“Ah, t-thank you.” 

“You’re welcome! I don’t see why people shy away from complementing others. If you see something or someone beautiful, you should let them know that. It really brightens peoples’ days and that’s all I want to do.” The more you two talk, Yoongi finds himself relaxing and just feeling completely comfortable with you. However that is short lived when your food finally arrives and he realizes he’s going to have to take his mask off.

“Shit...” 

“Hmm? Oh.. if you don’t want me to look I can sit on the same side of the table as you. If you are insecure or hiding something I promise I won’t say anything. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” You reach your hand across the table and give his arm a small squeeze in an attempt to comfort him. 

“It’s not that it’s just... okay promise me you won’t freak out.” 

“I won’t! I promise.” He takes his hat off first, judging your reaction.

“Your hair is very shiny. It looks really soft too. Can I touch it?” Yoongi stalls for a moment, surprised by how open and honest you are. Are all commoners like this? 

“Um.. sure, I guess?” You reach your arm across the table and run it through his hair. 

“Ah, goodness it’s just like a cats fur! You have to tell me what products you use.” 

“I don’t know if you’ll be able to get them.. They’re um.. imported.”

“Oooo fancy rich boy huh? Did you come down here to explore the life of a commoner? See how the other life lives? Well it’s only fair then if you let me have the same treatment someday right?” You wink at him and he lets out a breathless chuckle. You are something else, although he can’t say he minds. When he does finally lower his mask your eyes widen to the size of saucers. 

“O-oh my god. You...”

“You promised you wouldn’t freak out!”

“That was before I knew you were the prince! Oh my god I touched your hair I’m so-” He presses his fingers against your lips and you immediately shut them.

“Don’t apologize please. I like how things have been between us so far. I came here and disguised myself so I could just see what it’s like to be normal for a day. I’m just tired of everything. There’s so much responsibility on my shoulders, I don’t have any say in what I do, what I wear, what I eat, when I sleep. Every little bit of my day is controlled and I just wanted one night of freedom.” Your heart aches for him. You never even gave thought to how hard it must be for him having that much to deal with at such a young age. You were the same age as him, and you couldn’t imagine having to prepare to rule a whole country. You decide in that moment you won’t treat him any differently then. If the least you can do is give the prince one fun night out on the town, then that’s what you’ll do. You reach over with your chopsticks and steal some of the food off his plate. 

“Hey! What-”

“Friends share food.” You make a motion of zipping your lips shut and he laughs at that. 

“Okay then. You can have anything of mine that you want then.” You two relax back into easy conversation after that, Yoongi more interested in hearing about your life than anything. You tell him how you grew up, and he seems to be fascinated by it all. 

“So you went to school with other kids? Like you had friends and played games with them?”

“Yeah! Did you not have that?”

“No... I just had tutors to do my schooling.”

“So you don’t have any friends, Yoongi?” 

“Well, I mean I have Jin hyung. He’s one of my attendants and he tries to pretend like we’re not friends but, I know he’s secretly very fond of me and does consider me one of his closest friends. I overheard him talking about it once.” 

“Well, now you have two friends.” 

You finish up your meals and drinks, the alcohol is pleasantly buzzing through your veins and you find it even easier to relax around him. 

“Do you have to go back now?”

“Ah, no Jin just told me to be back before sunrise.”

“You want to take a walk with me then?” Yoongi nods and leaves money on the table for the both of you to pay for your meal. 

“Oh, you don’t have to pay for me!”

“It’s the least I can do, trust me. Just let me do this for you.” You nod and take his hand to lead him out of the restaurant. He can’t help blushing at the contact of your fingers on his skin, even if it’s just as simple a thing as holding hands. Was he really that touched starved? Or was it just you? Either way he’s not going to question it when you don’t let go and continue holding his hand and walk around the town. You point out every shop and bakery and tell him little pieces of information about the places and the owners. He finally feels like he is getting to know the people he will be ruling over someday, and it makes his chest feel warm with pride. He wants to be a personable and kind king, one that the people can rely on and feel they can count on to address problems and make changes. 

“Oh this bakery! My friend owns it and she makes THE BEST muffins you will ever have in your life. Come, let’s go try one!” 

“Y/n it’s super late at night, I doubt they are open.”

“Nah, she’s probably back there baking right now as we speak. She stays up really late so the food is fresh the next morning.” You let go of his hand as you walk up to the door and he finds that he already misses the contact. So after you knock and you drop your hand he decides to take a risk and lace your fingers back together. You don’t seem to mind, in fact you give his hand a light squeeze and smile at him in return. The door to the bakery opens and your friend is covered in flour.

“Ah y/n! What brings you here so late?”

“My new friend here has never tried your famous muffins. Can we steal one?”

“Of course!” She walks to the back and brings out 2 of them in a box.”

“Thanks! You’re the best!”

“You’re welcome. What’s your friends name? Will I get to meet him properly someday?” 

“Oh gee would you look at the time. We better get going, thanks for the muffins! Bye!” You slam the door and run out with Yoongi in tow behind you. 

“Yeah that wasn’t suspicious at all.” 

“Oh shut up, I panicked okay?” He laughs at you and you love the sound of it. Normally you had never heard more than a chuckle out of the prince, but hearing his actual laughter and seeing the way his eyes light up sends a warm feeling into your chest. Which you quickly fight away. You are not about to develop a crush on the crown prince, absolutely not. But when he lowers his mask and actually smiles at you, you know you’re doomed. He takes a bite of the muffin and he seems to absolutely love it. 

“Oh my gosh this is so good! I have been missing out on so much.” He wolfs down the first one so you offer him your own. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I can get these any time I want. You enjoy them.”

“Thank you.” You two are approaching the road that leads to the palace now and Yoongi’s smile immediately vanishes. “I don’t want to go back.”

“Based on what you’ve told me, I really don’t blame you.”

“I’ve had a lot of fun with you y/n. Thank you for helping make this night more, enjoyable. I don’t think I would have had nearly as much fun if I was by myself. I don’t know how to repay you.”

“It’s no problem! All I could ask for is to see you smile and hope that you had a good time. And since I accomplished both, there is nothing I could possibly ask for in return. Take care of yourself, okay?” He nods his head, and brings your hand up to his lips as he kisses the back of it. You’re blushing and you know he’s noticed by the smile that has spread across his face. 

“Do you think maybe I could visit you again?”

“Oh.. Yoongi I don’t know. You’re the prince, you shouldn’t be seen with some commoner like me.” 

“I don’t care about that. I don’t care about any of that. I felt really happy when I was with you and I want to see you again. Would you like to as well?”

“Um, well yeah of course.”

“Then that’s all that matters. I’ll see you again soon y/n.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it.”

[beca-mitchell]

i wondered if i could come home (yours is the first face that i saw) (1/1)

Summary: Chloe works in New York. Beca works in LA. The quarantine brings them together virtually. God Bless technology.

Word count: 4,335

Read below or on AO3.

Beca had initially been ridiculously excited about the prospect of staying home. She hated dressing up just to go and sit, spaced out at her laptop.

Now she has free rein to just wear whatever the fuck she wants while spaced out from the comfort of her own home.

A quick glance around however indicates that there isn’t much to call home anyway. When Beca had moved to Los Angeles with nothing more than her laptop, twenty USBs packed with remixes and original music, and a luggage full of clothes, she had pretty much expected this.

This being the whole struggling artist thing. Her father had advised against it, her step-mother had advised against it (not like Beca really was planning on listening), and her mother was—

Well.

Beca would rather not think about it. Of course, she wouldn’t.

But she did—it was all she could think about for those first few weeks in Los Angeles. Those first few months.

When she had first made the move, she had fantasized about her mother kissing in her on her head (a phantom memory if anything) and telling her how proud she was of her for chasing her dreams.

She had imagined her mother’s arm around her shoulder as they made that final descent into LAX.

She had imagined her mother’s proud smile when she had signed the papers for her first real job in the music industry—that breath of fresh air that really cemented in her memory that she had made it. She was there in the city of her dreams. She had moved across the country from Atlanta to Los Angeles.

But eventually, with time, after one let-down after another, Beca’s USB pile grew smaller and thinner and her job became less of a temporary thing and more of a full-time thing to keep her afloat.

Are you still proud of me? She wants to ask.

She can’t quite envision the look on her mother’s face—hell she can’t quite envision the look on her father’s face or even Sheila’s face—if she were to look around her small (but cozy) apartment.

Is this what you wanted for me? Beca wants to ask.

Change just doesn’t seem to come quick enough in a city with plenty of time to spare and too many hungry dreams to fulfil.

 * * * * *

 And then there’s this.

The whole quarantine mess.

It’s a form of change, Beca supposes. Maybe not quite the one she needs at that moment.

*New Notification from Outlook You have a new message

From: Aubrey Posen

CC: Chloe Beale

To: Beca Mitchell

Subject: HR and A&R Documents and Procedure — Microsoft Teams Meeting Request

Beca groans. 

 * * * * *

 Being a producer isn’t bad. It lets Beca flex her creativity from time to time (very, very minimally) and she gets to say she’s worked on interesting musical projects.

Grumbling to herself, Beca settles down in her chair after wrestling with her hair and brush. She figures she looks moderately presentable. She even swapped out her sleep shirt for a non-sleep shirt for the purposes of this video conference.

She has no idea who Chloe Beale and Aubrey Posen are anyway, but she’s already moderately annoyed that they both insist on video conferencing when this quarantine has made evident that literally everything can be done via email.

Beca takes a calming breath. The raise is a good thing. It came at a good time. It’s a good thing to get a raise at a job she hates especially when the alternative would have been to be let go. If she has to deal with HR for the sake of this, she will.

Not like she can do anything else.

The call comes in almost as soon as Beca wheels her chair closer to her desk. She fumbles, picking up her headphones and hitting Accept.

“Hi,” Beca says, waving awkwardly at her screen. “Uh. Wow. Hi.”

Almost immediately, Beca wants to clamp a hand over her mouth. She settles on dropping her hand into her lap and clutching the fabric of her shirt to distract herself from the embarrassment rising in her.

The young woman splashed across her screen is incredibly pretty. Almost intimidatingly so. Striking red hair, loosely draped over her shoulders in comfortable waves. Soft-looking lips pulled into a gentle smile.

And her eyes—Christ, Beca thinks—her eyes are what draw Beca in the most. Startling blue. The clearest of blues that Beca has ever seen.

“Wow?” The woman smiles at Beca. “That’s quite the greeting.”

“Sorry,” Beca mumbles hastily. She ducks her head. “Surprised to still talk to people during all this, I guess,” she lies quickly. She figures saying “you’re hot” wouldn’t be the most appropriate thing to say despite how true it might be.

The red-head quirks an eyebrow at her. “I’m Chloe Beale, nice to meet you Beca Mitchell.”

Beca can’t fight the smile this time. Chloe’s voice is nice. It’s beautiful and melodic. “Hi Chloe. Nice to meet you,” Beca parrots back. “Weren’t there supposed to be like...two of you in this meeting?”

“Oh, yes!” Chloe chirps enthusiastically. “Aubrey will be joining us in just a second—oh there she is,” she says just as Aubrey’s profile image pops into Beca’s screen, cutting the size of Chloe’s face on her screen in half.

“Good morning, Beca.”

“Good morning, Aubre–”

“It’s technically afternoon for us, but anyway.”

Beca clamps her mouth shut, choosing to push her lips into a forced, polite smile. She catches a glimpse of Chloe coughing behind her hand, clearly stifling a laugh of her own.

“Did you want to run through some of the documents and responsibilities, Chloe?”

Chloe clears her throat, professional mask back in place. “Yes, sure. Well, Beca, as a senior producer—”

 * * * * *

 With half-open eyes, Beca drags herself from her bed the short distance to her desk. Foregoing her chair for the moment because she has no intent on actually sitting down yet, Beca opens her laptop and logs in to Outlook and Teams before opening Logic Pro X and GarageBand.

She has been working on some tracks for an up and coming artist as well as overseeing the production on an EP for a new artist signed to a label, so she’s kind of expecting a shitload of emails to start her day off. That can wait for the moment.

When she gets back to her computer, coffee mug in hand, Beca notices a notification marker on her applications.

*New Notification from Teams

Beca frowns. She’s not the usual recipient of messages ever. But when she sees who exactly messaged her, she can’t fight the grin. She puts her coffee down with some reluctance and opens the message fully.

Chloe Beale Hey sleepyhead, you’re finally up Thanks for sending the paperwork back yesterday

Beca Mitchell fyi i am three hours behind you timezones or something as aubrey would say

Chloe Beale Who doesn’t start their day at 6am?

Beca isn’t quite sure what to make of Chloe entirely. She’ll blame the echoing loneliness around her—loneliness being all she feels these days—but she would be lying if she weren’t totally and shallowly attracted to Chloe Beale.

But she barely knows her. In fact, Beca would go as far as to say she doesn’t know Chloe at all. Chloe could just be another faceless entity in the long string of entities in Beca’s life. Just another missed connection.

Beca sips her coffee, blinking blearily at her screen.

Beca Mitchell do you start your day at 6??

Chloe Beale It’s good for you!

Beca Mitchell coffee’s good for you

Chloe Beale i’m more of a tea drinker myself good for the voice

Beca Mitchell singer?

Chloe Beale used to be

Beca arches an eyebrow. She had known, from the sound of Chloe’s voice alone, that she was something special

(And sure, Aubrey had a nice voice too, but it had been used primarily to grate on Beca’s nerves so she’s choosing to look past it.)

Beca Mitchell whats the story there?

Chloe Beale Hmm maybe one day :)

Beca Mitchell all i have are days to spare for you

Beca hits send before she can regret it and immediately winces at how unexpectedly flirtatious it sounds. She moves to type a quick cover-up, but Chloe beats her in sending a message.

Chloe Beale i like the sound of that

Beca’s fingers hover over her keyboard. She can’t bring herself to admit the same thing, even though it’s true.

She does like the sound of that. Almost as much as she had liked the sound of Chloe’s voice.

 * * * * *

 It ends up being so easy to fall into a routine when Beca realizes that she has something to look forward to with each subsequent day.

A routine that perhaps even involves waking up earlier so she can spend more time sending Chloe dumb GIFs and debate the best bagel spreads.

It feels nice.

It feels like something Beca could get used to.

Even if Chloe is incessantly cheerful and ridiculously chipper at any given point of the day. Beca kind of likes it.

It reminds her of sunshine and a much-needed breath of fresh air.

There is the added bonus (or nightmare) of Chloe’s incessant need to abuse the video conference tool.

“Beca, make sure you have those documents signed. A&R needs them as soon as possible.”

“You couldn’t have messaged this to me? Or emailed?”

Chloe grins, blindingly so. Beca doesn’t even try to look away.

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Beca tugs at the collar of her shirt (another new shirt) unconsciously before she realizes what she’s doing and drops her hand away. “And you’d know all about fun, would you?”

“Maybe.”

Beca shakes her head, mostly to hide the smile that rises on her face.

“Nice shirt by the way.”

 * * * * *

 Okay, fine.

Even that isn’t something that Beca finds herself annoyed with.

 * * * * *

 Beca bites her lip, hitting SEND before she can stop herself. The email flies away from her, an email detailing a request to video conference with Chloe for some dumb, made-up reason.

Well, no, there’s an actual reason and it’s that Beca wants to hear Chloe’s voice. That’s a good enough reason.

*You have a new Outlook Notification. Chloe Beale has Accepted Your Invitation.

Beca smiles.

 * * * * *

 Chloe Beale I’ve always wanted to visit Los Angeles

Beca Mitchell Come over here then!

Chloe Beale Maybe once this is all over

Beca Mitchell Oh right

Beca Mitchell Well if you ever need a place to stay…

Beca starts to sweat. She thinks about deleting her message, but what good would that do? Chloe has already seen it.

“Fuck,” she mutters aloud and promptly chooses to chicken out.

Beca Mitchell I know a lot of people who’d love to have you and i’ll bring you to all the best spots around town You know, me being an expert and all hahaha

“Fuck why did you say that?” Beca asks herself, resisting the urge to slam her laptop closed. She winces when she notices her unfinished work in the background.

She’s kind of more focused on the little indicator showing that Chloe has seen her message and the subsequent lack of response.

She is unfortunately sorely disappointed by Chloe’s response, despite her own attempts at haphazardly diffusing the situation.

Chloe Beale Sounds awesome!

Right, Beca mulls to herself. There hadn’t been a situation to begin with.

She lets the disappointment carry her through the rest of the day. The disappointing feeling—It is familiar but somehow more striking.

 * * * * *

 The thing about Chloe is that she makes everything easy. She never makes Beca feel bad about asking too many questions and she never makes Beca feel totally lame for taking up her time. She assures Beca that it’s fine—that she doesn’t mind at all. It makes Beca feel like a rockstar for about two seconds before she remembers that it’s Chloe’s literal job to be kind and nice to people she works with.

Right.

They’re technically coworkers. Just that. Nothing more.

And then there’s the whole...is Chloe even attracted to women conundrum. It is nice to think that Chloe is attracted to women—that Chloe would be attracted to her of all people.

It’s just such a big what if question.

(And of course the “we live 3000 miles away” issue. That issue.)

There is a strange underpinning of something else—something that Beca can’t quite place. It sends a swooping sensation through her stomach when she thinks about it. The past month or so of communicating with Chloe was rife with tense, interesting moments that make Beca second-guess herself every time.

Barring the times when she word vomits all over herself, Beca is surprised that she’s maintained a connection with Chloe for this long.

 * * * * *

 The dreams start near the end of the first month of knowing each other.

The awkward part about waking up from a dream about somebody she’s never even met in person is that Beca has no idea how to conduct herself. She barely knows how to do it in-person—conduct herself—let alone doing it online.

She tries to settle on something to occupy her mind while she works through some musical/creative block.

Her fingers type in chloe beale into Google before she can help herself.

“Fuck it,” Beca whispers, hitting enter.

She is surprised by the breadth of hits that Google returns to her. Interesting ones, nonetheless. She learns in short order that Chloe does voice acting on the side. Nothing overtly taxing, but it pleases Beca that Chloe has somewhat of a creative streak. She notes a few well-known animated series and some other gigs here and there.

An old YouTube video catches her attention.

Acapella Finals 2011

Beca can’t stop the grin that stretches across her face when she recognizes Chloe, red hair and all, front and center and singing.

She knew Chloe was a singer at heart.

She pulls up her chat before she can stop herself.

Beca Mitchell *pasted link* I see

Chloe Beale Oh my god!

Beca Mitchell Google knows all

Chloe Beale You were Googling me?

Beca’s smile drops. “Shit, uh—”

Chloe Beale Kidding! i googled you too. Didn’t think you were a taylor swift girl. All those remixes… <3

Beca blushes before she can stop herself. That had been a brief foray of fame—literally five minutes—when Taylor Swift herself had linked to one of Beca’s remixes. Beca hadn’t been savvy enough to capitalize on that in any way, however.

Beca Mitchell oh those... I wish i had more original things to say

Chloe Beale Your music is beautiful, just like you are I mean that in a totally non-weird way of course

Beca isn’t quite sure they’re saying the same things, but maybe they are. Chloe’s unwavering faith in her feels wholly misplaced more often than not.

But it’s nice.

This is nice.

Beca lets a smile consume her.

Beca Mitchell Flattery will get you everywhere

Chloe Beale That’s the hope

Beca Mitchell Back to acapella… i was wondering if i could pick your mind for an idea i had for this track i’m working on

* * * * *

 The transition to Facetime and phone calls as opposed to Teams video conferencing was a fairly recent one. Beca discovered that Chloe is an equally eager texter. Emojis and all.

“Your voice somehow sounds better over FaceTime audio,” Chloe teases.

“I was going to say the same,” Beca replies before she can stop herself. Her heart flutters. “I wasn’t the one in acapella in college, after all.”

“Oh you would have fit right in. I would have whipped you into shape, I’m pretty sure. Or maybe you would have helped us win instead. Being as talented as you are and all.”

“I wish I could have known you then,” Beca says bravely.

“You would have changed my life,” Chloe admits. She says it with a smile, but there is no hint of a joke in Chloe’s tone. “I don’t sing anymore,” she finally says. “Not after that last acapella competition. The one you sent me.”

“Oh, why not? Your voice is…” Beca trails off, struggling to find words. For all the time she spends with music—literally layering vocals and instrumentals—she cannot understand how she cannot find appropriate words to describe how Chloe’s voice makes her feel. “I’m sorry...I’m usually better at this. Why don’t you sing anymore?”

“I had to have surgery for my nodes in my senior year of university. I’ve been too afraid to sing again.”

That breaks Beca’s heart more than anything. “But your voice is okay now,” she says lamely.

“I haven’t really had an opportunity to sing again. Working for B&R Records is the closest I can get to the music industry. Not that I ever thought I’d sing professionally or anything.” Chloe sighs, then her voice softens even more. “I admire you so much for pursuing your dreams, Beca. You’re so much better than you know. I’ve listened to your stuff.”

Beca swallows.

Her heart isn’t fluttering.

It is racing, almost uncontrollably.

 * * * * *

 They talk for hours.

Beca tries not to think about it as she wakes up to her phone pressed against her cheek uncomfortably and the faintest memory of Chloe humming something hauntingly familiar.

“Shit,” she mutters, realizing that her heart has yet to stop thudding with the force of emotions she feels.

 * * * * *

  *Google search history

online dating

quarantine dating

flights to New York

amazon delivery time

online dating in quarantine

relationships in covid-19

online date ideas

 * * * * *

*iMessage Notification

From Chloe Beale install netflix party!

Beca Mitchell Already did! waiting on you...

* * * * *

 Chloe ends up being the person Beca calls when she receives yet another change request for the track she had been working on. She isn’t allowed to move on to another track until this artist is absolutely pleased with the track and Beca understands how contracts works and stuff, but holy shit, she’s had it up to her damn forehead with Pimp Lo and his incessant demands to keep his music trashy (Beca’s professional opinion).

“I want to quit,” Beca declares to Chloe. She knows Chloe is done with work for the day even though Beca has about an hour or so left in her “shift” (she has decided time is a construct and she’s signing out for the day due to creative differences).

“Don’t quit,” Chloe says quickly. “And um...don’t tell me that. Professional responsibility and all.”

She says it with a joking tone, but it still stings ever so slightly for Beca. The reminder that she and Chloe are coworkers and nothing more. She’s sure she’s going to hear even less from Chloe as time goes on and when everything kind of goes back to “normal”.

But she kind of doesn’t want to stop talking to Chloe.

“It’s just annoying,” Beca complains.

“Oh honey, I know,” Chloe sympathizes. Beca warms at the term of endearment.

“Beca, your music is good,” Chloe promises earnestly. “I’ve listened to a lot of music over the past few years I’ve been working here...just promise me you won’t give up, okay?”

Unexpected anger wells up in Beca. She identifies frustration, annoyance, and some measure of pain—all of which have to do largely with this entire situation. Somehow, she manages to tamp it all down and focuses on the sincerity of Chloe’s voice.

“I just don’t want to...have my ideas shot down like this anymore,” she finally murmurs, taking a breath to steady herself.

“I know,” Chloe promises. “It won’t always be like that though.”

“I’ve been out here for a year. Verging on two.”

“I know,” Chloe repeats, sincere understanding in her tone. “And it sucks that Hollywood just eats people up and just...I don’t know. Spits them back out like that. But...you’re special. I know you are.”

Beca shudders with her own attempt to stifle a sob. “And that’s your professional HR opinion?” she asks, trying to make it sound more like a joke so Chloe doesn’t take it badly.

Chloe scoffs, then lets out a giggle. Beca wishes more than anything she could see her face. “Yes, that is absolutely my professional HR opinion and I think you should take it. I don’t come cheap.”

It’s less than what Beca hoped for. She had hoped for something a bit more—something closer to the kind of reassurance Chloe had been giving her over the past little while. This feels like two steps backwards.

“I wish I could see you,” Beca blurts.

Chloe doesn’t say anything for a moment. A moment too long. Beca’s face heats embarrassingly quickly. She is so thankful that she is alone in her apartment.

“I’m sorry,” Beca apologizes. “That was weird. And I didn’t mean to make things weird. I’m not weird, I promise. Maybe a little. But not like that.”

Chloe laughs. “Beca, it’s okay. I know what you meant. Or what you mean.” She laughs again, this time sounding more breathless. “It’s just...I guess it’s just late and we should probably...table this for another day.”

Beca’s heart plummets.

“We don’t have to table anything,” Beca says quickly, stung by the rejection. “Forget I said anything.”

“Beca—”

“Goodnight, Chloe.”

 * * * * *

*iMessage Notification From Chloe Beale Beca, are you okay?

*iMessage Notification From Chloe Beale Call me when you can

 * * * * *

 Beca notices she has a request from HR for a video conference. There are no other details, but she knows it’s from Chloe. Her stomach tenses uncomfortably as she stares at the words on her screen. The conference is set up from about five minutes from now so she has about five minutes to get her shit together.

She hadn’t meant to ignore Chloe, she had just been a bit too absorbed into her work (as a way to avoid Chloe).

But she isn’t mad with the music she’s been making recently. She probably has Chloe to thank for that. For being an inspirational source.

She can do this.

She looks around, taking a deep breath as she takes stock of everything that she has in her apartment. Her eyes land on something by her window and she goes to grab it.

She returns to her computer just in time for the call.

“Hi,” Beca says, blinking into her computer screen. “Hi, Chloe, is everything—”

“You know, radio silence is probably the worst way to woo somebody.”

Beca thinks she might still be asleep. “Sorry?”

Chloe seems to be fighting a smile. “You don’t even know how cute you are, do you?”

“I’m not cute,” Beca says automatically.

“You are. In a hot way.”

“In a hot way,” Beca echoes. She grins. “Are you calling me hot?”

“I saw you checking me out that first day. Obvious even through webcam.”

“Oh.”

“I didn’t mind. I...never minded. Which is what makes this so hard,” Chloe says, lowering her head a little. She worries her lower lip between her teeth, leaning closer to her camera. “This is so weird and so hard. I didn’t expect to just...fall for somebody while we’re all just trying to figure out how to make things okay again, you know?”

“So…” Beca swallows, wondering if this is the appropriate forum for what she’s sure is about to come out of Chloe’s mouth.

“I like you,” Chloe admits. “I think you’re brave and talented and incredible. And there’s so much we still have to learn about each other, but I have been driving myself crazy thinking about how much I want to kiss you.” Chloe clears her throat and holds up a small pot of pretty, purple flowers. “These are for you. I couldn’t really go to the store to get a fresh bunch. But um. If I could, I would.”

Oh.

“Isn’t this against company policy?” Beca croaks out. She can’t quite believe what she’s seeing. “Like can’t they see everything? Even videos?”

Chloe shrugs. “I don’t care. Not really. Look around, Beca. Nobody really cares anymore. I just wanted to talk to you.”

Beca covers her face with her hand. “This is super embarrassing.”

Chloe giggles. “Oh stop. I’m the one literally holding out flowers to my screen.”

“No, it’s just—” Beca holds up the potted plant she had stolen from her windowsill. “Here. I brought this for you too.”

Chloe gasps. “A cactus? You shouldn’t have.”

There is a brief silence before they dissolve into giggles. It makes Beca feel the most complete and whole that she has in while.

“I’m sorry, by the way.”

“Were we even in a fight?” Beca asks aloud.

“No,” Chloe admits. “I just...thought I scared you off.”

“I think I scared myself off.” Beca crinkles her nose as she frowns. “If that makes sense.”

“That makes a lot of sense. I think it’s the most sensible thing you’ve said so far.”

 * * * * *

 Eventually, the time comes where Beca can go outside again.

Beca knows what it means to have sunshine on her face. There is no shortage of it in Los Angeles.

There is no shortage of palm trees, of warm wind, of endless beach views.

There is no shortage of too many dreams and too little opportunities for those dreams to come true.

But this—the excited yelp Chloe lets out when she pushes off the pillar she had been leaning against and the solid weight of Chloe’s body nestled firmly against her own as her arms loop easily around Beca’s neck—this is so much better than anything Beca could have dreamed for herself.

She can feel her mother’s smile, warm like the gentlest of sunrises against the back of her neck. She can feel the weight of a new pile of USBs in her bag and a fresh outlook on life.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Chloe whispers, her voice real and solid and there.

“Me too,” is all Beca can say.

She kisses Chloe like it’s the first day of the rest of her life.

fin.