#(im fine this is just talking about past feelings)

[likeumeanit9497]

like a pornstar | c.s. |

chris sturniolo x fem!reader

summary: when y/n, chris' best friend, confesses that she has never finished during sex, he decides to change that

warnings: smut; oral (fem receiving); unprotected p in v; dirty talk; established friendship; squirting; 18+

notes: back again with a friends with benefits smut (shh im manifesting). i hope the chris girlies enjoy, and matt girlies don't worry my next one shot is for u ;) love y'all <33333

ᵕᵕᵕᵕ୨♡︎୧ᵕᵕᵕᵕ

“Hey! You’re gonna eat all the popcorn! Give me some.” I exclaimed before snatching the half eaten bag of popcorn from Chris’ grasp. He tried to say something in a rebuttal, but all he got through his mouthful of popcorn was garbled words and a slight spray of kernels. “Oh god, you’re foul.” I said jokingly before wrapping my leg around his to lighten my words. “Just hush, I can’t hear the show.”

Chris and I had been best friends since elementary school, and had always had a bond like no other. When he had moved out to California a few years ago, I had really struggled with the loss of seeing him practically everyday. But since then, I had been able to come out and visit him multiple times, and it was so exciting to have him show me the new life that him and his brothers had built for themselves on the other side of the country.

In the past, each time I had visited him in Los Angeles the weather had been amazing, so I had forced Chris to explore all over the city with me. However, this visit had been nothing but rain, so him and I had done little more than what we were doing right now: curling up under the covers with some snacks and a couple joints, binge watching all of our favourite shows from high school. We were currently re-watching Euphoria — one of my all time favourite shows — as a light trickle of rain acted as background noise.

As we worked through our snacks, the scene where Maddy and Nate’s relationship dynamic is described played. I popped a handful of popcorn in my mouth, relishing in the nostalgic feeling that the show brought me, as the scene continued on to describe how Maddy watched porn to study how she should look and sound during sex. As the character arched her back on her bed, her eyes plastered to a device playing porn, I let out a small chuckle.

“What?” Chris turned to me with a confused smile. “Nothing. It’s nothing.” I replied, shaking my head and shoving more popcorn into my mouth to stifle my ridiculous laughter. “Brooo, tell me.” He whined, grabbing my shoulder and shaking it jokingly. I rolled my eyes at his dramatics. “Oh my god, fine! I was just laughing because I used to do that.” I finally responded, and Chris turned to me and raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Wait, what?” He brought a fistful of candy to his mouth. “I used to study porn too, not to get off on it or anything, just to like know what I was supposed to do.” I admitted, feeling my cheeks grow warm as Chris just stared blankly at me.

Finally, Chris blinked a few times, pulling himself out of his blank stare to resume eating snacks. “I don’t understand that honestly,” He began, reaching his hand into the popcorn bag between my legs, “I feel like when you’re in the moment all of those sounds and movements and stuff come naturally, don’t they?” I shrugged before responding. “Not for me, to be honest. I’ve never really had any sort of sexual interaction that made me feel good enough to act and sound like a porn star.” I chuckled, keeping the conversation lighthearted. This wasn’t the first time Chris and I had talked about our sexual experiences, so I felt comfortable being honest with him.

But when I fixed my gaze back onto him, I was met with a confused expression. “So does that mean you’ve never…” He dragged out his sentence, seemingly too afraid to complete it, so I saved him the trouble and answered his unfinished question with a solemn shake of my head. At this, his eyebrows shot up in what seemed to be total shock, complete with a dropped jaw. “You’re not serious, Y/n.” He said simply, and I once again shrugged my shoulders. “I mean it’s pretty common for girls to not be able to finish during sex, you know that.” I replied, to which he titled his head to the side and looked off into the distance.

“I guess so, but I’ve personally never ran into that problem before.” He replied, a cheeky smile taking over his face, and I rolled my eyes. “Oh Jesus, well too bad not all men are the Christopher Sturniolo.” I joked, unintentionally stroking his ego before refocusing my gaze on the show. The room was silent for a brief moment, both of us back to watching the show, before Chris spoke up again. “I just think that’s really fucked up. Sex should make both people involved feel good.” I wrapped my leg tighter around his. “Well aren’t you a crowd pleaser.” I joked. Turning to once again face him, I was expecting to be met with his classic grin. But instead, his face was serious; his mouth was set in a straight line and his blue eyes had darkened.

His expression was one I rarely saw, but it made my stomach tighten subconsciously. My throat suddenly felt extremely dry, and I couldn’t speak. My breath hitched when Chris brought a hand under the covers and placed it gently on my bare thigh, rubbing small circles into the skin. And my head began to spin when he shifted his body so that he was completely facing me. “You know, I bet I could make you sound like a porn star.” His poker face was finally replaced with a smirk, this one much more sinister than the one that I usually saw cross his face. He used his hand on my thigh to guide my legs open before brushing a finger just barely against my clothed heat; causing me to gasp. He leaned closer to my frame, already quivering in anticipation, and nibbled gently at my earlobe before whispering.

“Let me make you feel good, Y/n.”

He kept his mouth right there against my ear as he waited for a response, and I could feel his rapid breaths against my skin. My brain was in shambles, and I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. Chris and I had been best friends for so long, but not once had things turned sexual. This was completely uncharted territory for me, and I couldn’t imagine it ending well. But, his hand that was resting in between my trembling thighs and his whispered proposition had already caused my panties to grow damp, so I threw all of my sensibility away by grabbing his jaw, drawing his face to mine, and crashing my lips onto his.

Immediately, Chris worked his lips against mine. They moved in sync as his tongue slipped into my mouth with ease; dancing around my own and filling me with more desire. He brought his other hand under the covers to grab onto my other thigh, where he squeezed harshly before using his grip to pull me up on top of him. Still attacking my mouth with his, he rubbed his hands up and down my body as I straddled him, taking care to focus his attention on my more sensitive parts.

He broke the kiss briefly to pull my oversized t-shirt over my head, before taking a moment to admire my bare chest in his direct line of sight. Without hesitation, he attached his mouth to one of my tits, nibbling and swirling his tongue around my sensitive nipples; causing my body to break out in goosebumps from the sensation. After he took his time on the first, he moved his mouth onto the second, and the new contact caused me to subconsciously grind my pelvis against his thigh; eliciting a moan from me. My erotic sound caused his eyes to shoot open, looking up at my face, before he detached his mouth from my tit to speak. “Real moan?” He asked, his lips swollen, and I nodded my head before grinding my hips against him once more. “F-feels good.” I mumbled, and at that he readjusted himself so that he was sitting up against the headboard; giving me more stability.

“Then keep doing that. Wanna see you feeling good.” He replied, shifting my body so that my core could press right up against the highest point of his thigh. I didn’t hesitate long before resuming my movements, this time moving at a much faster pace; losing myself to the sheer pleasure that the friction of his pants granted me. Chris’ mouth reattached to my nipples, but his eyes never left mine as he took in all of my contorted facial expressions and soft moans. He allowed his lips to travel along my chest up to my neck, where he suckled gently before muttering. “I don’t want you to fake anything, baby, just want you to tell me when it feels good and when it doesn’t. Okay?” I nodded my head frantically, squinting my eyes from the overwhelming pleasure I was feeling.

I looked down to where my body was writhing against him, and even through my shorts and panties I had left a dark patch from my arousal against his grey sweats. Rolling my eyes to the back of my head in bliss, I had never before grown that wet during sex before. I felt my legs begin to weaken around his thigh, and an overwhelming feeling begin to bubble up inside of me. I knew it was my orgasm approaching, but I was hit with a sudden wave of nervousness that was preventing me from reaching it.

“C-Chris, I can’t,” I panted out, and his eyes were immediately on mine. “You can’t what?” He replied, gripping my ass with both hands and helping me grind myself against him. “C-can’t finish.” I replied honestly, feeling my eyes well up with frustrated tears. I had never felt this good in bed with someone before, and still, I couldn’t get myself to cum. “Hey hey, it’s okay,” Chris used his grip on me to stop my movements completely, “It’s an overwhelming feeling, it’s sometimes hard to give in to it.” He brought a hand up to my cheek and stroked it affectionately. “Lie down here.” He patted the space in the bed where I had previously been, and I obliged, resting my head against the pillow.

Once I settled myself, Chris crawled on top of me, resting his weight on one arm. He began kissing me again, this time much slower than the first, and once my heart rate began to slow I took it upon myself to deepen the kiss; pulling his bottom lip gently with my teeth. This elicited a deep moan from Chris, and I felt him grind his clothed member against my core before dragging his mouth down my jaw and neck; leaving harsh kisses in its trail. I watched through droopy eyelids as Chris’ body traveled down my own, and my breathing increased once again when he reached the waistband of my shorts. He toyed with the band for a moment, slipping two fingers under the material before looking back up at me.

“I just want you to relax, lay there, and tell me when you feel good. Can you do that Y/n?” His voice was soft, but it was the unmistakable undertone of gruff arousal laced through it that caused my stomach to flip. I nodded quickly, bringing a hand to his forehead and brushing a few stray hairs back. “Okay.” I replied, causing him to smirk before slowly pulling my shorts and thong down my legs. Once my clothing was completely discarded, Chris encouraged my knees to bend and spread my legs open; exposing my dripping heat completely. “Hmm, so pretty Y/n.” He said lowly, taking in the glistening folds just centimetres from his face.

I watched as he dropped soft kisses along my outer folds before using his hands to spread me open slightly. His mouth inched closer and closer to my aching core, and when he finally connected to it I released a shaky moan. Immediately, he used his tongue to expertly manipulate my clit, causing me to see stars almost instantly. It was clear by his movements that he knew what he was doing, and I had to grip onto his messy curls in order to keep myself in place as he continued. “Is that good baby?” He asked against my bundle of nerves, moving one of his hands from my folds down to my entrance, teasing it in circles as he waited for a response.

“S-so good Chrissy.” I managed to get out before he reattached his lips, this time slowly plunging a digit into me as he continued; causing my hips to buck. “Shh, stay still honey.” He mumbled, still working his tongue and fingers in sync against my heat. The combination of his tongue against my clit and his finger plunging up into my g-spot was staggering, and I was once again feeling the undeniable signs of an upcoming orgasm. Every inch of my skin felt like it was being set on fire, and the pressure in my lower stomach was so intense, it felt like I was going to pee.

I had reached orgasms on my own before, but none had ever had a build up as intense as the one I was currently feeling with Chris. I felt like I could explode, but still, I was struggling to let go once again. “C-Chris, I d-don’t think I — I don’t think I c-can do it.” I cried out, gripping onto his hair like my life depended on it. At this, Chris added a second finger and increased his speed. “Yes you can baby, I know you can. Just breathe and let your body do what it knows to do.” I squeezed my eyes shut from the pressure, and did as he said and released shaky breaths. His movements had the same level of intensity as before, but there was an unspoken level of desperation to them now; clear indication that he wanted to get me there.

Even though it seemed impossible, the pressure inside of me kept getting stronger and stronger. My legs were shaking on either side of his head, and my breaths came out as guttural moans. I felt my body detach from my brain, and I knew I had lost all control over what was going to happen. Just then, the strongest orgasm I had ever felt completely engulfed me, and I could do nothing but cry out in pleasure. My back arched off of the bed, overwhelmed by the extreme sensation. Feverish, strings of erotic notes fell from my mouth, and they could barely be heard over the ringing in my ears.

Mouth agape, I watched in awe as the pressure in my stomach was finally relieved by a rush of fluid shooting from my core. At this, Chris murmured “Oh fuck.” before detaching his lips from my clit and swiftly rubbing it; spraying my fluid all over his face and exposed tongue. My orgasm rippled through me like a tsunami, and left me in a figurative and literal puddle once it died down. Once he drank up all my juices, Chris planted a soft kiss against my clit before dragging his body up mine.

Once he was face to face with me, he gave me a deep kiss. “How was that?” He whispered with a grin on his wet face. Still catching my breath, all I could do was nod. He played with my hair for a moment, tranquility clear on his face, before he suddenly shifted his weight and began climbing off of me. “W-wait.” I said, grabbing hold of his waistband and stopping his movements. He looked down at me with a confused expression, and I wordlessly moved my hand to his crotch, where I was met with what seemed like a painfully hard member. “You’re not gonna fuck me?” I asked, batting my eyelashes innocently as I watched his taken aback expression.

In the blink of an eye, his face darkened once again and he returned to his position above me. “You want me to?” He asked, his face buried in my neck where he peppered it with soft kisses. “Mhmm.” I hummed, using my hand to palm him through his sweats. At that, Chris didn’t hesitate to pull his pants down, leaving his cock exposed. I gasped at its size that had been somewhat disguised when it was still concealed in his sweats, but began pumping my hand up and down as he shuddered in pleasure.

Attaching his lips back onto mine, Chris grabbed onto his shaft and lined it up with my opening. He slid it up and down my folds a few times to collect whatever was left of my previous orgasm, before slowly sliding into me. I gasped at the feeling of my walls stretching around his impressive girth, and we both moaned in unison once he bottomed out. He stayed still for a moment, allowing me to adjust to him, before he began slamming his hips into me.

With his forehead resting against mine, he watched me as I contorted my face into expressions of pleasure, relishing in the feeling of being filled by him. His gruff breathing and occasional deep moans were like music to my ears, and I dug my nails into his bare shoulders to keep him close. “Fuck, your pussy feels so good around me. Not gonna last long.” He groaned, using one of his arms to wrap my leg around his waist. The new angle allowed him to go deeper, and I felt his member slam into my g-spot repeatedly; causing my stomach to fill with that familiar sensation. “Oh god Chris, you’re s-so big.” My voice was coming out squeaky as he continued to pound into me, and he released a harsh moan in response.

I lost myself in the waves of pleasure as they hit me, growing closer to my second orgasm with each of his powerful thrusts. Chris’ gaze on me was so full of lust — clenched jaw, droopy eyes, lower lip trapped in between his teeth — I would have collapsed from its magnitude if I wasn’t already lying down. His motion suddenly shifted from one that was hard and fast to one that was deep and slow, and I couldn’t help but release sharp gasps on each thrusts.

I could tell that I was close to my second orgasm, but he was closer. His breathing was growing more and more rapid, his pace was sloppier, and beads of sweat were dripping down his forehead. As if he was reading my mind, he moaned out. “I-I’m close, want you to cum with me.” My eyes rolled to the back of my head, his words already getting me closer to my high, but I knew I needed to get there faster.

Reaching between us, I found my clit and began rubbing it vigorously. Chris’ eyes followed my hand, and when he realized what I was doing he smirked proudly. “Atta girl.” My action seemed to give him a bit more energy, as his movements began picking up the pace once again; and I found myself on the edge of another orgasm. “Ah fuck, Chris, gonna cum again.” I cried out through my gasps for air just before my second orgasm hit me like a freight train. I felt my walls contract around his swollen member, and that was enough for him to reach his high as well.

Gripping tightly onto my shoulder, Chris plunged his twitching cock in and out of me; driving both of us through our orgasms. I gasped when I felt his fluid shoot deep into me, and savoured the verbal confirmation of his pleasure in my ear. Our moans flew from our mouths in harmony, and it was only once his body stilled above me that I removed my hand from my clit.

We stayed in that position for what could have been hours, catching our breath and falling into the lethargic temperament that always came after sex. Finally, Chris lifted his weight off of me and slid his softening dick out from my core, offering me an apprehensive smile. He stood up and walked into his washroom, coming back over to the bed with a towel to help clean up the mess in between my legs before doing the same to his member. Once I no longer felt like a bowl of jello, I sat up on the bed beside him.

“Well?” He asked, his tone playful as he wiggled his eyebrows awaiting my response. I rolled my eyes before grabbing my top and throwing it over my head. “Would you believe me if I said I faked all of that?” I asked, unable to keep the smile that was toying with the corners of my mouth at bay. He blew air out of his mouth and looked up at the ceiling. “Absolutely not.” He replied, and I laughed. “I hate to gas you up like this, but that really was amazing.” I finally said honestly, resting my head on his bare shoulder.

He chuckled before grabbing my hand and stroking it gently. “Glad to be of service.” He replied, removing his hand from mine and instead wrapping his arm around me completely. “You turned into my little porn star there for a minute.” He followed it up by making high pitched moan sounds, mocking me and breaking the wave of silence that had followed his last comment. I laughed, lifting my head off of his shoulder and coming face-to-face with his goofy smile. “You ever use that against me in the future and I will bite your head off.” I replied, shoving his shoulder gently. “I won’t, swear. But you can use me again in the future if you wish. Y’know, in case you ever want to cum like that again.”

My jaw dropped at his filthy words, but I couldn’t help but feel heat flood to my core once again. Smirking, I raised one quizzical eyebrow. “One more?” I asked, and watched as his face was overtaken by a smirk that mirrored my own. “Lay down and put your legs on my shoulders.”

ᵕᵕᵕᵕ୨♡︎୧ᵕᵕᵕᵕ

[heartss4matthewq]

COULDVE BEEN (PT.3)

contains: car crash, angst, fluff, crying, fighting

new character: jack

———————————————————————

• 10:25 pm

“chris has been in a car accident.”

“what, when?” you said worried

“right before he crashed he called us and said he was coming to your house to talk to you” matt said and you couldn’t help but feel guilty

“chris crashed around like 9:30 but we wanted to come here first because we didn’t want to leave you and have you worried where he is”

“can we drive to the hospital” you said, your voice a little bit shaky

“yeah, let’s go matt” nick said

FLASHBACK

“bro im never getting my drivers license” chris said sounding serious

“what, why” you said laughing

“because i am not trying to get in a car crash” he said

“you won’t, i pinky promise” you stuck out your pinky to chris

as you & chris interlocked pinkies he pulled you closer and kissed you

you kissed back but only for a moment as you hear…

“CHRIS! Y/N! WE GOTTA GO SO WE CAN MAKE IT TO DINNER ON TIME”

PRESENT

“oh my god, is he okay??” you asked the doctors

“we have to run a few more tests and we will let you know what’s going on soon” a nurse said pointing you, matt, and nick to a waiting area

“you guys think he’ll be okay?” nick spoke out

“i mean it’s chris, that kid can do anything and be alright” matt said trying to be enthusiastic

“yeah i hope he’s doing okay”

“Matt! Nick! Y/N! Chris is ready to see you guys” another nurse called out

as you walked over to the room chris was in a worker stopped you

“only one person can come see him at this time”

“matt go first” you and nick said at the same time

“okay i’ll let you guys know how he’s doing”

“matt’s gonna make a joke with him and then he’ll laugh a little too hard that he’ll get hurt” nick said with a smile

you reached in for a hug and nick hugged you back

“i really hope he’s okay” you spoke

“he will be fine i promise, pinky promise”

“y/n you’re next, chris really wants to see you” matt said

as you were walking past matt and nick you could hear them muttering words to eachother

you opened chris room and immediately ran over to his bed and hugged him.

“what did the doctors say??”

“i think they said i had a mild concussion” chris said

“oh my, are you feeling okay?” you said worried

“yeah i feel fine, my head just hurts really bad and my vision is slightly blurry, but i mean other than that, i feel fine”

“that’s good though right, i mean at least it’s not hella severe you know”

“yeah, but i wanted you in here to talk.” chris said in a flat tone

“about what?”

“for how i’ve been treating you, i don’t know what’s been going on with me. i feel like a complete dick for what i’ve been doing. everytime i come back from LA i feel like a different person and i have no clue why. honestly i was trying to get to your house and then boom, car smacks right into me. i kinda feel like this is a wake up call to tell you that…” chris pauses

“that i love you, i say it sometimes and don’t even mean it, but i know what i feel now and i’ve always loved you y/n i really hope you aren’t upset at me and if you are i completely understand”

“chris, i need you to know how deeply i love you. from the moment i met you, i knew you were someone special, and my feelings have only grown stronger since then. it hurts me to see you acting differently towards me because all i want is for things to work out between us. i cherish every moment we've spent together and dream of a future where we can be truly happy”

“times up, nick needs to come in so we can get you guys out so chris can heal”

———————————

it’s been a couple weeks since you last talked to chris

you have no clue if he’s still okay or not but all you know is that you wished he could’ve given you an answer in time

you loved chris so much, and to hear him apologize made you very happy but also sad

you were scared he’d start doing the same thing again

you started to cry, you don’t even know if it’s because you’re stresed or if it’s because you don’t know what chris will do or anything

you sat and cried for almost 10 minutes just thinking about everything

*INCOMING CALL FROM christopher ❤️🧙‍♀️*

you obviously picked up the phone

“hello?”

“i’m out of the hospital im coming over”

“okay, please don’t drive and have matt bring you.”

“okay he will bring me but we have a lot to talk about”

“alright ill see you when you get here, i love you”

“i love you too”

beep

just when you got off the phone you heard someone knock at the door

no way chris is already here, he lives on the other side of town - you thought to yourself

you ran downstairs and looked through your window that was close to your door and you could see who was on the other side of the door.

what the fuck why is jack here

jack was your ex and chris did not like him at all.

chris didn’t like him because jack was like a stalker and over protective, just a weird guy that you should not have dated

“yo what the fuck you doin outside y/ns house bro”

“chill out i didn’t even do anything yet”

“yet?? what does that even mean, you know what just let’s talk then because i already told your ass don’t come to her house”

“bet”

you were still looking through the window and you could see them talking and you heard chris getting louder and louder.

you saw jack push chris

“yo don’t fucking touch me i swear to god”

“or what pussy”

you saw jack reach into his back pocket and grab something L shaped

you realized what it was and ran to the door and opened it

“JACK DONT”

——————————————

a/n: finally posted a part 3 😭😭 i’m in the writing mood soo ima make a part 4 definitely 💋

[ganondoodle]

hope everyone had alright holidays!

a few days ago when we were driving home in the dark in windy and rainy weather after getting two of my siblings from the train we, for the first time in my lifetime im pretty sure, hit a deer that was crossing the street, none of us saw them before they got caught in the headlights and the first one made it over but we werent yet slow enough to not hit the second one ...

the deer lived but was kinda stunned, my dad pushed it off the street and while we were still on the phone with police it got up and ran away but my parents car got damaged and while its still drivable there are several parts that got bent and since its an older model too it might be hard to get it repaired

anyway, i didnt know deer fur was that grey until i saw it stuck to our bumper :(

merry crisis

[captain-k8kat]

The idea that Kaeya witnessed the fall of Khaenri'ah is so uninteresting to me. I find him learning about it second hand and piecing together clues about his ancestry and past to me far more interesting. That the only Khaenri'ah he knew was a Khaenri'ah in ruins if even that. Having to go through that sort of generational trauma. I find it to be a more interesting explanation than he's actually secretly 500+ years old because of abyss fuckery. There's enough characters who are 500+ years old, Kaeya doesn't need to be one of them imo

[gorespawn]

also while we're here i would like to share the two iterations of tumblr user gorespawn that have existed since i abandoned this blog back in like early 2021. Who wants me

[quietwingsinthesky]

the last unicorn post from earlier has me thinking about the master. that yana is still in there, you know? is still someone he was, if even for a brief flash across the life of a time lord. there’s no way to unlive that life. there are ways to twist it later, sure, to make utopia into hell on earth. but the life was lived. in much the same way that the doctor can remember, can feel, the love he held onto as john smith even as that life is ripped out of his hands. the doctor choose denial and then grief and then to shutter it all away. and so john smith died, and so professor yana died, and the doctor and the master live on. the doctor has done this before, and he lives in orbit around humanity, trying to keep the best parts of them and hold them deep enough to take root (which he can pretend he gets to choose, as a time lord. as a human, it all floods in and can’t be dug back out.) but what about the master, right?

to borrow a turn of phrase: i think there are two time lords left in the universe, and they both learned how to regret.

[bizarrescribblez]

listened to doomstar requiem earlier and almost cried 😋 yahoo yippe!!

[buppypuppy]

.

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

[deerest-me]

okay after not speaking to anyone for 12 hours i think i have finally recovered from the weekend (it was worth it i love my sister and i will make conversation on her behalf)

[realnielsbohr]

i hate dysphoriaaaaa

[zoppzoop]

GAAHAHHHHH

[uncanny-tranny]

Hello!

I am just curious why you put an asterisk after trans men? I have never seen anyone do that before. I did try using Google and it gave me many different reasons so I was wondering what yours is? I apologize if I did not say this well, English is not my first language.

Thank you!

I have answered this before, but it all comes down to brevity. It is the acknowledgment that not only trans men will have related to that post. It just signals that if that post applies to you, you are included.

I prefer, generally, to put it after the gender simply because the trans umbrella is generally understood, so it seems superfluous (to me) to re-clarify that transness is a broad category.

[madisonrooney]

it was embarrassing to do and im still cringing about it but last night after closing at work, they were playing some disney channel playlist and wherever i go came on and i had to ask one of my leads to skip it bc it was triggering for me. i hope they didnt think "oh boohoo amanda is triggered by the finale of hannah montana??," if anyone even knew thats what it was from, and yah the finale was hard enough for me but my abusive friendship was getting bad around the time of the finale and the show was like the last thing i had. i told myself if i was gonna kill myself, which i was considering, i would wait till after the show ended bc i just loved it that much. things just got worse and worse from there. ive RARELY listened to that song in the last 13 years. if it ever comes on in a friends car, i ask them to skip it.

but part of why im embarassed is also bc i often have to tell leads, managers, and coworkers at work i cant handle certain things bc of autism and anxiety and im mostly just expected to suck it up bc i dont have a disability accommodation on file (tho ive been fighting for one for NINE MONTHS) and im afraid they think "oh she cant even handle hearing a song?? what would she do if it came on while we were open? shes not cut out for this" when the truth is if i was in public or whatever i wouldve figured it out, but i figured it wasnt a tall ask for it to be skipped so i figured id go for it.

im probably overthinking it bc maybe only the one lead noticed, its not uncommon for them to skip songs partway through so maybe no one else thought anything of it, and she seemed fine about it. i even told her "hey ik this is a weird request"

but. anyway. im proud of myself for saying something and feel...weirdly confident/valid in knowing that it still triggers me and that i asked her to skip it? like obvs thats not a good thing that it triggers me but i feel like my coworkers have not been taking me seriously lately (probably will rant on that more later) and to be able to be like "uh yah hannah montana actually is very connected to my trauma and when i was suicidal and im not gonna deny it just cuz you think its no more than a kids show" feels validating. not to mention after what went down at el cap a few weeks ago

[inf1nyxw0rlds]

i love complexity. except of course if it's about me . hope that helps

[paging-possum]

Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....