#(not even mentioning all the health insurance stress)

[tj-crochets]

Hi TJ! Sorry if I’m just missing it somehow, but where are you posting your patterns now? With the polls you’ve been doing I’ve been getting pretty excited, but then I realized I didn’t know where to look for them when you were done?

Hi! I'm posting them here on tumblr, it's just been a few weeks since my last one. I did the polls, got super excited to share more patterns, then two of my coworkers ended up in the hospital for reasons that, as far as I know, are not work related and work has been stressful enough ever since that I haven't gotten around the sharing more patterns yet. Maybe this weekend though? I share each pattern as an individual post, usually as a reblog to the post with the pictures of the finished plushie. Then I update this post, which has all links to all the sewing patterns I've shared so far, so if you see that post floating around it's worth clicking through to the original post to see if I've updated it since whichever reblog chain you see gained traction

[lavinia-de-mortalium]

Took myself to Emergency on Monday for extremely high blood pressure (we're talking 210/160) because my regular doctor was too booked to see me for the next 6 months. 2.5 hours, 2 EKG's, a blood draw, and some monitoring, and the doctor on shift said, "Yep, you have extremely high blood pressure. We can't do much but provide a low dose of lisinopril for 30 days. Try and get into your doctors.

~Welcome to the American Health Care System~

[inkskinned]

okay yes it's often bad and hard and sometimes i am so anxious my whole body feels like it's vibrating but also at the same time the gps took me a different way on my drive and i got to see more of the river than i usually do and yesterday the sun was still above the horizon after 7pm and that was amazing and the whole sky turned an orange-gold like how they try to make ice cream taste; you know, one of those evenings that just tears you open no matter how jaded you get. it's warm for the first time here and people had lined up against the water just to stand outside and watch the sunset

and yeah it's tax season no i haven't done mine yet but when i mentioned it offhand in a single side-comment three days later my friend sent me a list of helpful tips and followed up to see if i'd need help on them

there's this parking lot for a walking trail near where i live and one of the two google reviews is my actual favorite: love it here. there were so many beautiful parking spots but sadly we could only take one. and no this person isn't going to go viral and probably the only people navigating to this spot are extremely local - but there's something so precious to me about someone taking the time to write something that will make strangers in their community laugh, even though there's no way for me to tell them good one! directly

yes i am not doing well sometimes i'm doing even very-badly but recently i have been given enough breathing room to say okay, this situation is bad, but then it will be over, and you will be moving onto the next thing and it's true that i need to get groceries and pay rent and argue with my health insurance but it is also true that in the absolute stress and anarchy of my life today someone recognized my dog before they recognized me and was so excited because "they tell everyone about the greyhound in the area and didn't get a picture before so can they take a picture now please"

in class we all stand in a circle and are all grown adults and for a moment while the teacher is figuring something out, we all hold hands, just to be silly and connected. for no reason at all at 8pm on a thursday my friends and i start breaking out the dance moves to high school musical. my coworker gchats me during a meeting about the book he recommended to me and i'm enjoying reading

i help a high school set up for a star-themed dance and while putting up streamers i find graffiti that says if you're reading this, i love you, and we're both going to get out of here right next to fuck everyone, live out of spite, don't let the fuckers make you die. on the bridge where i walk my dog someone has written i love you and on the sidewalk in chalk someone has written i love you and on the side of the water tower someone has written i love you

at the bottom of a text post an internet poet says - i love you, i love you, i love you. i've never met you, i love you because you exist and we exist together. and isnt that enough for now. just for this moment, i mean. like, if you just close your eyes and breathe - somewhere, across this world, i love you, because you're here with me.

[topguncortez]

Are You With Me | | Chapter 3

previous part | masterlist | next part

synopsis: Jake and Y/N fight over the hospital bill and whether its a good idea to keep the kids on Jake's insurance or night. Jake still has issues with Miles. Ella makes a decision in the course of her treatment.

word count: 2.1k

warnings: medical inaccuracies, divorce, fighting, cursing, childhood cancer, mentions of childhood death

Jake had made a joke once that Eli was the cheapest baby they had. Said joke had earned him a glare that was fierce enough to send a shiver down his spine. Y/N had mastered the “mom eye” after having two kids.

But, even though Jake’s joke was done in poor timing, he was right. Having a baby, although not planned one bit, at home had saved them quite a bit of money. Jake had always found it comical that he was the best of the best. The 1% of the 1% and had some of the worst health care coverage in the whole United States.

“I feel like I need to take a loan out to pay these,” Jake rubbed his forehead, slipping his glasses off his face.

It was one of the rare moments that Jake and Y/N were both at the house. Y/N spent the day with Ella while Jake was at work and Alex was at school. Between Penny and Y/N’s mother Clara, they watched Eli for a couple of hours. Jake would then come to the hospital at night, staying with Ella while Y/N went home and made dinner and got the boys to bed. The Daggers had created a weekend schedule, each of them taking a saturday or sunday to stay with Ella so Jake and Y/N could both go home and recharge.

Though being at home was more stressful than watching their four year old getting pumped with toxins.

“Is that the bill?” Y/N asked as she walked into the kitchen after putting the boys down. She filled the tea kettle and set it on the burner, before pouring Jake a drink and taking it to him

“The first one, yeah,” Jake wiped a hand down his face, “Thanks,” He mumbled taking the rocks glass from her, “The ER visit cost thirty-three hundred dollars and insurance is only covering three hundred of it. The estimated total cost of care is around sixty-one thousand dollars.”

“Well,” Y/N swallowed, “I can always put Ella on my insurance. I get good-”

“No,” Jake sneered, “We agreed when we… we agreed when we divorced I would put the kids on my insurance plan because it’s cheaper.”

“Yes, but if this means compromising Ella’s care-“

“It’s not compromising anything!” Jake snapped causing Y/N to jump a bit in her seat. He scrubbed a hand down his face, “You got the kids and the house and everything else in the divorce. Let me help do this.”

Y/N nodded her head, “Fine,” She sighed, “We still have the rainy day fund.”

“Still not even going to make a dent in the payments,” Jake leaned back in his chair, “I’m tired of talking about this. How was Ella today?”

“Same as always,” Y/N shrugged, “Was fine in the morning before chemo, napped all afternoon and then threw up everything she ate. Her hair is becoming more of an issue for her… it’s becoming more noticeable.”

Ella’s hair had started to fall out as the weeks of chemo continued on. Jake and Y/N didn’t have the heart to shave it or cut it before Ella started therapy, wanting her to have the ability to make that decision for herself. But as the treatments went on, Ella’s confidence began to fade with each clump of hair that fell.

“Maybe we should just shave it,” Jake suggested as the tea kettle rang.

Y/N poured herself a mug, “No. She’s already losing so much autonomy over her own body. She should be the one who decides on her hair.”

“I hate to see her like that.”

“We all do,” Y/N took a sip of her tea, “But she was happy that Rooster and Dragon got to stay with her. Dragon mentioned something about watching Dateline.”

Jake chuckled, “Going to teach our four year old how to commit murder and get away with it.”

“She’s been stealing cookies and getting things she wants outta you since she was born.”

Jake couldn’t help it, he was a sucker for those big green eyes.

Silence fell over the two of them. It was moments like these where things almost felt normal between Jake and Y/N. Like the past two years had been a fever dream. That they had never spent a day apart. But then reality settled back in, and the awkwardness filled the air.

“I’m going to bed,” Y/N said, clearing her throat, “I put clean towels back in the guest room.”

“Thank you,” Jake nodded his head, “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Night, Jake.”

— — —

When Ella was born, she had a full head of dark curly hair. Y/N knew that she was going to have hair from all the heartburn she had experienced through the whole nine months. In fact, that was the first thing the doctor had called out in the middle of delivering the Seresin girl.

“oh gosh! she’s got a full head of hair!”

Y/N had always dreamed of having a little girl with gorgeous long hair, and she had been lucky to get just that. She couldn’t wait until Ella was old enough to sit up and her hair long enough that she could braid it and style it. Ella always had perfectly done hair when Y/N dropped her off for daycare. Ella liked to show off her matching bows or the intricate braid that her mother did to her classmates and teacher.

Miles had told them one of the most common side effects of chemotherapy was the loss of hair. Y/N thought maybe, just maybe, Ella wouldn’t lose her hair. They had gotten through the first week of treatment without any hair loss. But then week two rolled around, and it was the worst week of Ella Seresin’s life.

“Mommy! My hair!” Ella cried as she stood fresh out of the shower, with a clump of hair in her hands. Y/N did all she could to try and soothe her child as she pulled on the ends of her hair, more stands coming out.

“I know, baby,” Y/N fought back tears, “I know. It’ll be okay.”

For weeks, Y/N and Jake watched as Ella’s hair grew thinner and thinner. They switched from using a brush to using a wide tooth comb, hoping to save some of the frail strands of hair on her head. Ella knew that most kids on the floor didn’t have hair or wore fake hair. She knew that eventually, she would look like them.

“Do you want strawberry or cherry jello for lunch?” Y/N asked as she looked over the hospitals menu choices for today. Y/N wasn’t sure if it was because of stress but the hospital food wasn’t actually that bad. Plus, Val had kept Ella’s room stacked with snacks.

“Mommy,” Ella said.

“Yes, baby?” Y/N asked, putting the menu down and looking at her daughter, “What’s up, buttercup?”

“I want to cut my hair.”

“What?” Y/N was taken aback by her daughter’s words. Ella was wise beyond her years but this shocked Y/N to hear.

“I want to cut my hair. It keeps falling,” Ella said, touching her thinning hair.

Y/N nodded her head, “Of course, baby. We’ll do it tonight, when dad gets here. That sounds okay?” Ella nodded her head, a bright smile on her face, “Now, how about that jello.”

A couple of hours later, Jake was walking down the familiar bright colored walls of the children’s cancer ward. He always found it ironic that such a dark place was painted so brightly. Ella had only been there two months and already she had new neighbors on either side of her room. The cries of the parents haunted Jake at night and the images of little bodies being moved with sheets over their heads was enough to bring Jake to a panic. However, every time Jake walked closer to Ella’s door he was met with the beautiful sound of laughter. 

A smile graced Jake’s lips as he heard Ella’s laugh and that familiar snort that always made her laugh harder. But the moment he opened the door, his smile dropped. 

“Doctor Miles.” 

“Daddy!” Ella cheered and sat up in her bed, reaching out for her father. 

Jake walked over to her, greeting her with a hug and kissing her forehead, “How are you, bug?” 

“I’m good,” Ella nodded her head, laying back in her bed, “Doctor Miles is playing Bluey with me.” 

“I see that,” Jake looked over at Miles who was standing in the corner of the room now, “Where is Mommy?” 

“Sent her for a snack,” Miles answered, “She’s looking like the walking dead.” 

“Can we refrain from making death jokes?” Miles held back from rolling his eyes, “I’m here now, so you can go.” 

“I said I would wait here with Ella until-” 

“I’m her father and I say-” 

“You say nothing,” Y/N said, appearing in the doorway, “Thank you, Miles.” 

Miles nodded his head, “No problem, Y/N. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ella, good job today.” He held his hand out for the little girl to give him a high five. 

Y/N waited a moment until Miles was out of the room before looking at Jake, “Really?” 

Jake just shrugged, “I had it under control.” 

“I’m sure,” Y/N sighed, walking over to Ella’s bed. The little girl curled up next to her mother almost instantly, “Do you want to tell your daddy what you want to do today?” Ella nodded her head and then looked at Jake. 

“I want to cut my hair.” 

Jake’s eyes widened as he looked from Ella to Y/N, “You do?” Ella nodded her head again. 

“The nurses brought some clippers and stuff earlier. I-I’ve never cut anyone’s hair so I-”

“I got it,” Jake answered, “I was cuttin’ boys’ hair in the bay at boot camp.” 

 “Okay,” Y/N said, feeling the familiar burn of tears in her eyes, “You ready, Elles?” 

“Yes!” Ella said, a bright smile on her face. 

Both Y/N and Jake walked with Ella to the bathroom where a nurse had brung in clippers, scissors, a razor, shaving cream and a step stool. Ella stepped up on the stool, looking at herself in the mirror that was covered with pink and purple flowers. Y/N leaned against the doorway, watching as Jake got everything set up, occasionally making funny faces in the mirror to make Ella laugh. 

“Gonna start now, are you sure this is what you want?” Jake asked his daughter. Ella nodded her head, “Okay. Here we go.” Both Y/N and Jake took a deep breath as he grabbed a lock of Ella’s hair and lifted the scissors. The sound of the shears closing together made the loudest sound Y/N had ever heard as a lock of brown went tumbling down to the ground. 

“You cut it!” Ella gasped. Jake’s heart pounded in his chest, then it relaxed as her giggles filled the room, “Do it again!” 

Jake looked at his wife through the mirror, seeing her red eyes but the smallest smile on her face, “Let’s keep going.” 

After every snip of the scissors, Ella giggled which made the whole situation somewhat better. Eventually Jake got to the point where he had to use the clippers. He gently moved them over her head, watching as the final pieces of hair fell from her head. 

“What do you think?” Jake asked, as he set the razor down in the sink. It was quiet for a moment as Ella looked herself over in the mirror. 

“My head is cold,” She said. 

Y/N chuckled as she stepped into the bathroom, walking up behind her daughter, “We’ll get you a hat or two or-” 

“Three!” Ella held up three fingers. Ella turned to face her mom, “Momma, don’t cry.” 

“I’m sorry, baby,” Y/N said, as Ella wiped a finger away from her cheek, “How about we take a shower and then watch a disney movie?” 

“Princess and The Frog! Daddy! Will you stay?” 

Y/N looked at Jake, who was cleaning up the hair around the bathroom, “Yeah. Of course. Let me finish cleaning this up, and I'll sneak down to the nurses lounge to make popcorn.” 

“Thank you,” Y/N said, sincerity in her voice, “Let’s get cleaned up, Elles.” 

A strange feeling settled over Jake’s chest as he watched his wife and daughter. A strange feeling that maybe, just maybe. . . things will be alright.

taglist: @yanna-banana @kmc1989 @soulmates8 @averyhotchner @fandom-life-12 @jazminlahey20 @jessicab1991 @reidshearts @princess76179 @dizzybee03 @dempy @kellyls04 @daddymack01 @beautifulandvoid @noonenuts @bradleybeachbabe @its-the-pilot @buckysteveloki-me @shibble @a-library-ofmy-own @fanfictionismyhobby @emilyoflanternhill @seitmai @moonlessnight14 @hardballoonlove @sgt-barnesveins @vhkdncu2ei8997 @1nterstellarcha0s @krispybearbouquet @a-serene-place-to-be @seresinslady @na-ta-sh-aa @milestomaverick @itsmytimetoodream @topgunslut @yuckosworld @angelbabyange @pedrohoe04 @midnightmagpiemama @lynnevanss @ummjustfics @thegoddessc @mrsevans90 @mjsvinyl @luversgirl @silenthappyplace @buckysvinyl

taglist form

[boliv-jenta]

Follow on from Summer Schooled

No outbreak Joel Miller x f!reader

WC:2.2k

Summary: After ten years, Joel decides it's time the two of you caught up.

Warnings: protected P in V sex. Oral f!receiving. A little angst. A brief mention of cancer.

Adult Education

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Masterlist

Every time the door opened your heart pounded. Joel was always running just a little late for everything. It was going on ten minutes past your arranged meeting time. He had to be there soon, unless he'd rethought it. Was it crazy to be meeting up after ten years?

It was never your intention to leave it this long. The month after you left for college your mom had some bad news. Cancer. Fully treatable. The best outcome anyone in that position could ask for, but it wasn't quite covered by her health insurance and with you at college it made sense to downsize. The news shook her so much that she decided to get back in touch with your aunt and mend a log standing rift. With the house sold she bought a small apartment near your aunt, a couple of hours away from you. Which was a blessing, you were able to stay in school and still be there for her. 

Joel kept in touch to offer support. He was a rock for you when you needed it. A stress reliever at other times. Your fingers buried in your cunt took the place of his cock as he guided your pleasure. Then life got in the way. Calls and texts became less frequent. Joel's business took off. His brother, Tommy, moved home and helped him take the business further. You landed your dream job straight out of college. It led you to your husband. Things were great until a few years in when you realised that you were two very different people. The divorce was pretty amicable. Being divorced at twenty-eight drove you down memory lane to see if you could spot where you went wrong. 

That's how you stumbled upon Sarah. All grown up and doing well. Travelling Europe and living her best life. A deeper dive showed her at a BBQ. Joel's face looked back at you. He hadn't aged much. A few greys and laughter lines made him look even more handsome. From the looks of it, you weren't the only one that thought so. The woman he had his arm wrapped around looked at him like he hung the moon. A little digging and you saw a post about their wedding anniversary. It shouldn't have made your stomach churn like it did. 

Life moved on. You moved on. Joel moved on. Even Dave finally divorced Carol. That had come as a shock not as much as when he swung by once just after you left and caused a stir at a party. A bunch of sorority girls had a bet on who could fuck the hot older man first. They all spat feathers when Dave left with you. He also got you in trouble with your new housemates by waking them all up with the noise of your bed shifting across the floor.

Still feeling nostalgic you messaged Sarah and told her how happy you were to see her living a good life. A friend request from her followed and the two of you caught up over messages. 

One morning there was a message you weren't expecting. A message from Joel.

Sarah tells me you're doing great. I'm glad. I'm glad to hear your mom is still well, too.x

It sat there for most of the day as you tried to sort through your feelings. Over the years you'd thought about the brief relationship you had with Joel so many times. Eventually, with the help of your therapist, you concluded that Joel had been your first love. There'd been no actual relationship or a break up so you had never really moved on. It took a while but you worked through it. You put that summer and all the unanswered 'what ifs' in a locked box at the back of your mind. Then a single message from Joel smashed the whole thing open sending shrapnel through your body, it opened up old wounds as it went. Deciding to truly put everything behind you, you typed out a polite reply.

Thank you. She said you're well and the business is doing great. I'm happy for you.x

Thanks. We're doing pretty good. We've actually just landed a contract in your neck of the woods. About an hour out. Maybe I could swing by and see you.

That would be the stupidest thing for you to do. God knows why you typed I'd like that.

With an exchange of phone numbers you set a meeting around the corner from your place.

The door opened again. After all the disappointments you weren't expecting him. In he walked, looking somehow even better than before. His hair was peppered with greys. A dress shirt stretched over those still impossibly broad shoulders. Dress slacks covered his thighs that looked even thicker. It literally took your breath for a moment. You had to pick up your jaw to return the smile he gave you upon spotting you.

"Hi." He leaned in to give you a small half hug.

"Hi." Your hand rested on his back for the briefest of moments before you pulled back. He smelled of expensive college. A woman's touch was doing him good. He was a far cry from the jean clad, body spray wearing single dad you knew.

"Sorry, I'm late. I had a meeting run over."

He gestured for you to sit before sitting across from you. "That's the reason for the get up too." He undid his top button before rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. You had to remind yourself that he was married. "That's better. You want another?" He nodded to your almost empty cup.

The fresh cup that Joel returned with provided a handy barrier to hide some of your awkwardness behind.

"I'm glad we could catch up." You plastered on a smile.

"Me too."

"How have you been?"

"Good. You?"

"Good."

Silence.

"Fuck, this is awkward." Joel laughed out.

"Yeah."

"Was this a stupid idea? I just…I don't know, I had the opportunity to see you again…"

"No, I wanted to see you. It's bound to be a little awkward. The last time we met we…" had toe curlingly good sex that I've never been able to beat "...and now it's ten years later and we're having coffee like old friends."

"We are old friends aren't we?" It was a light, teasing comment but it broke you. You were never friends, he was always so much more.

"I'm sorry. I can do this." Grabbing your things, you made a break for the door.

As if you'd stepped into a movie, the light rain came down in sheets. It washed over you like your emotions. Being there with Joel you were suddenly eighteen again. All the knocks you had taken for the last ten years were healed. You were hopeful, open to all the possibilities that life had to offer. Possibilities that included Joel. Happily married Joel. Who would never be yours.

Joel was jogging behind you to catch up. "Hey, at least let me give you a ride."

"I'm two blocks away. I'm good. Just go home, Joel. This was a stupid idea."

"I'm not going to leave you upset on the street. Let me walk you home."

Since you couldn't exactly stop him, you let him walk alongside you in silence. The rain pummelling you both until you were both soaked through. Joel kept up with your hurried pace even as you climbed the steps to your town house. "This is me."

"You know you can talk to me right? What's got you like this?"

"Joel, I can't. Not with you. I worked so hard to forget."

"Forget what?"

"How I felt about you."

You were wrapped in his arms and kissing him back before you realised what was happening. Your lips moulded to his like he was your only source of oxygen. 

"Joel. Stop. We can't."

"I'm sorry." He pulled away dragging his hand over his face. "I just missed you so damn much. I know it stupid to be hung up on some brief fling. Fuck. I have two ex-wives that I miss less than you." He paced the small alcove outside your front door.

"Two?" 

"Yeah. I got divorced a little over a year ago."

With no-one else standing to get hurt, you threw yourself back into his arms. The next ten minutes passed in a haze of grabbing hands, wet skin slapping on skin and ragged breaths. Everything was done on muscle memory as you made it through your front door. The two of you ended up on the floor. You barely had the presence of mind to grab a condom from your purse before Joel was inside you chasing a high for both of you, his fingers working over your clit. It was all over as quickly as it began.

Laying there breathless on the floor, reality finally caught up with you both. The two of you instantly burst out laughing. 

"Well. I wasn't expecting that today."

"Me neither."

"No regrets?"

"None. Well, maybe the floor. I'm getting old." Joel shot you an incredulous look. "Old-er." You corrected with a smile.

Tucking himself away he held up the condom. 

"Kitchen." You waved your hand towards it.

"This is a nice place." Joel came back to peel you up off the floor.

"Thanks. It was a fixer upper but I had a great contractor."

Joel grabbed his chest in mock horror. "You've been seeing other contractors?"

"If it makes you feel any better I never let them fuck me on the floor."

"It does."

"Yeah, we always used the bed."

"Smartass." He brushed his nose over yours before kissing you. When he pulled away you were looking into his eyes. "What?"

"Nothing. You want to take a shower? I can dry your clothes off." You moved to walk away.

"Hey." He caught you by the waist bringing your back to his chest. "This wasn't just a fuck for me. I mean it when I said I've missed you. For years I tortured myself with what could have been. I understand if you don't want to see where this can go but I think you do."

Leaning back, you let him hold you. "I do. I just don't think I could take you breaking my heart. Not you."

"That's the last thing I want to do, Darlin'." He kissed your neck and pulled you even tighter to him. "I can't wait to get to know the person you have become."

"I'm pretty much the same. Type A need for organisation. A bit of a dreamer. Life's just beat me down a little. I'm a lot more cautious."

"A little caution is good. I'm just glad you had none when it came to me and Dave."

"Dave! What's he doing?" You span in his arms to face him.

"Let's get you into something dry and I'll fill you in."

"I'm gonna order some take out. You hungry?"

"Oh yeah." He growled nipping at your ear. "Food sounds good, too."

By some miracle you managed to be dressed when the food came. Joel had dropped to knees in the shower and had himself a feast. When your legs couldn't hold you anymore he reluctantly agreed to get dressed.

"I swear that guy always lands on his feet." Joel finished up telling you about Dave divorce. It was Carol that filed once the girls were old enough. They still came together for the holidays. Dave was still a hands on dad. Dave kept himself busy with a string of woman half his age. The only shocking revelation was about Dave's job. "The CIA? That was Dave's 'government job'? Wow."

Joel went on to drop another bomb on you. "This will be our fourth job together. He might be an ass sometimes but I can't fault his work." Dave had gone into private security. If Joel's clients needed a secure system he called Dave.

"I remember the two of you worked very well together." A grin spread against your wine glass.

"Oh you do, do you? Dave was your first after all."

"Don't remind me. I can't believe I did all that!" You visibly cringed.

"I'm glad you did." He held up his glass in a toast.

"Me too." Your glass clicked against his.

When both your glasses were empty, you offered Joel another. "I can't. I have to drive back down in a little while. I have a few early deliveries to take in the morning." He saw your bright face drop. "I can be back tomorrow afternoon. If you'll have me, I can stay the weekend? I'll take you out on a proper date."

"Sounds perfect." Rounding that table, you sat in his lap, lazily making out until he had to leave.

Laying in bed that night, you just couldn't switch off. Your brain buzzed with so many questions and possibilities. Your body still hummed from Joel's attention. The renewed memory of his touch ghosted over your skin. When your phone buzzed your heart leapt at the fact that it could be Joel once again after all these years.

The text came from an unknown number.

Miss me? I'll catch up with you soon.

Series tag: @popcornforone @myrealmofchaos @casa-boiardi

[gatheringbones]

[“Ursula Volz-Boers points out, “Intrauterine life is not a paradise as some people try to make us believe. We are the receiver of all the happiness and of all the anxieties and difficulties of our parents.” But of course, even the earliest factor has its own earlier factors: namely, the intolerable pressures contemporary society places on the rearing milieu, the family, and on the developing young—and, as epigenetics teaches us, on the very activation of DNA itself.

We need to consider to what extent our culture, including employment and the health care and insurance systems, supports or undermines women’s capacity to hold their unborn infants’ needs as a high social priority. How many women are asked during prenatal checkups about their mental and emotional states, what stresses at home or on the job they may be experiencing? How many future physicians are even taught to pose such questions? How many spouses are helped to understand their responsibility to protect their expectant partners from undue stress and travail? How many businesses make provisions for their pregnant employees’ relief? That last question has an especially dismal answer: women frequently report a pregnancy-hostile work milieu, especially in lower-paid jobs. But even in supportive workplaces, women are often burdened by the pressure they have absorbed and put on themselves to perform, advance, even excel in a competence-mad society. Work rarely “stays at work.”

As Rae intuited, the baby feels the mother’s stress directly. “By listening intently to movements and heartbeats, researchers are finding that the fetuses of mothers who are stressed or depressed respond differently from those of emotionally healthy women,” the New York Times reported as far back as 2004. “After birth, studies indicate, these infants have a significantly increased risk of developing learning and behavioral problems and may themselves be more vulnerable to depression or anxiety as they age.” Essential neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine that later play key roles in mood regulation, impulse control, attention, motivation, and the modulation of aggression—and are implicated in the very learning, behavioral, and mood difficulties the article mentions—are affected by prenatal stress on the mother. Babies of moms stressed in pregnancy have lower levels of these brain chemicals and higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Not surprisingly, the same study showed that these newborns also had less developed learning skills, they were less responsive to social stimulation, and they were less able to calm themselves when agitated.

Beyond brain substance levels, there is evidence suggesting that maternal mind states during pregnancy and postpartum shape the very structure of the infant’s developing brain. In one study, nursing professor Dr. Nicole Letourneau, Canada research chair in parent-infant mental health at the University of Calgary, and her colleagues found that the child’s gray matter, the cerebral cortex, was thinner on MRI scanning of the brains of preschool children whose mothers had suffered depression in the middle three months of pregnancy. As they point out, their brain-scan findings may presage later problems such as depression, anxiety, impaired impulse control, and attention difficulties in the child.

Postpartum depression had similar effects, indicating that there are certain critical periods in development, both before birth and after, during which the young human is particularly vulnerable to the environment. Such findings align with those of multiple other studies, which point to maternal-stress impacts on such brain structures as, for instance, the fear- and emotion-processing amygdala and on neurological conditions such as autism. Other findings suggest strongly that many adult health challenges—everything from mental health disorders to hypertension, heart disease to diabetes, immune dysfunction to inflammation, and poor glucose metabolism to hormonal imbalance—are made more likely by intrauterine stress. Among researchers there is a “universal consensus,” to cite a major review paper, that what are called the developmental origins of adult disease begin in the womb.”]

gabor maté, from the myth of normal: trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture, 2022

[flautistsandpeonies]

I get sick to my stomach every time I see the ao3 donation bar.

Do you know what I could do with $50,000? With $200k+?

I could get my family’s house renovated (roofing, electrical, plumbing, flooring, insulation). I could get our cars fixed. I could pay off all our medical bills. I could pay on our life insurance. I could get health insurance so that we didn’t have to rely on my mother’s shitty work insurance. I could finally afford a headstone for my father’s grave.

My mother could take break from working and I could worry about the utilities and my prescription medicines for a while with what I have left. I wouldn’t feel like a burden on my family now that we have enough to survive on, at least for a while.

$50,000 would literally change my fucking life. Fuck, I get so depressed about this every year because I know that if I tried to make a GFM I wouldn’t even get a fifth of that. Not to mention the harassment I’m risking would only tank my mental health further and would stress my mother out more than she already is.

[indecentpause]

Writing Share Tag

tagged by @magic-is-something-we-create to just share some writing! thank!

cw: bullying mention, homphobia mention

oh Meara, honey

“You don’t get trauma from being bullied because you’re ‘too gay,’” you say, bunny quotations and all. “Well. You can,” Josselin says. You frown. “Look, I’m not saying you should be required to see a therapist just so you can get meds. But just. Give it a shot with an open mind, at least at first, okay? Pretty much every sliding scale mental health clinic makes you see both anyway, so, you know. If nothing else it’s a random person to talk to once or twice a month about things that are stressing you out.” You and Danny share a skeptical look. Frankie jostles his shoulder and says, “Hey, he has to go anyway. Lots of people go to therapy.” “I was in court-ordered therapy for a while after my mom died,” Josselin offers, like he’s trying to be helpful. “When I was with one of my foster families. I kept getting into fights.” He continues, just glancing right over it, like it’s common knowledge when he’s never mentioned it to you before. “The first two therapists were terrible but the third one helped me a lot. You don’t have to do it forever. Eventually you’ll get insurance through work and you’ll be able to pick your own doctors. But I don’t think it would hurt, for now, as long as you have one that gets you.” Your brow furrows and your frown pulls down even more. “You used to get in fights?” “Oh, yeah,” he says. “All the time. That’s why my foster parents at the time eventually just let me get my GED. They figured I’d be less annoying if I wasn’t getting in trouble all the time.” “Oh,” you say, soft, surprised. “I. I guess we never really did talk about your life when you were a teenager much.” “I prefer not to think about it,” Josselin says. He flips his ponytail forward over his shoulder and flicks the end of it in your direction. “A high school boy in the early aughts with long hair? The only kids who didn’t give me shit were the stoners and the drama kids.” “I’m sorry,” you say. “I’m sorry I didn’t know.” “How could you?” he shrugs a shoulder and says, “I never told you. I can’t expect you to read my mind.” For a long moment, the four of you sit quietly, until you let yourself fall against Josselin and bury your nose in his shoulder. “You okay?” Danny asks. You nod. “If you’re feeling it, we were thinking of having a band meeting today. We couldn’t have practice because we didn’t want to stress you out even more than we figured you would be with the doctor. But we were hoping we could all sit down and talk.” Your face goes cold and pale. Danny’s eyes widen and he holds up his hands. “Nothing bad!” he reassures you. “We just all know you’ve been struggling and we wanted to figure out what our best course of action would be. You know, a semi-hiatus, or going down to one practice a week, or whatever. Don’t worry, Meara. We would never kick you out.” You breathe again. “Yeah,” you say softly. “I’ve always been okay onstage. I just. There’s no room for anything else then. I can’t afford it. But I know I’ve struggled at practice a couple times.” “Yeah,” Danny says gently. “I’ve seen.”

tagging @winterandwords @frostedlemonwriter @revenantlore @loopyhoopywrites to share some writing! whatever you want, as much or as little as you want. :)

Current taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace

@drippingmoon @athenswrites @magic-is-something-we-create @winterandwords

@revenantlore

Black & Blues taglist: @lynnedwardswrites

[likearumchocolatesouffle]

Cw money stress

I'm just gonna vent about something. So, my wife, M, makes a lot of money, but we live with three other people, and she's supporting all of us. This is due to physical disability, mental health stuff, pandemic, school, etc, not to mention that the money any of us could make individually would be a tiny drop in the bucket compared with what she makes, so it's not worth risking anyone's health or removing anyone's ability to do housework.

So this puts a lot of pressure on her, and also we're constantly over budget, and also her income is going to go down next year (big hiring bonus stock thing is going to run out). We have no savings, all our credit cards are full, we haven't made a dent in the mortgage...

So we have to get our spending under control. There are absolutely places we could do that. Folks in the house rely a lot on delivery (due to aforementioned mental and physical health stuff) but there are cheaper ways to eat. We spend a lot on Ubers even though we have a car. We have a lot of appointments that aren't covered by insurance, so maybe some of us could do some appointments a little less frequently. We have four cats and their food is weirdly expensive, so maybe we could figure out a cheaper way to feed them. Etc.

But the problem is announcing to everyone that we have to spend less. Multiple people in the house have money related trauma, and when the idea of spending less comes up, people panic and cry. It's so stressful. We need to deal with it soon, so there's no way to like, make everyone do therapy about it first. Idk. I'm more worried about the reactions than I am about the money.

It sucks because M took this job so we wouldn't have to worry so much about money, but we're just as worried. Maybe more so, since we have more to lose and more people involved.

I'm sure this sounds like a bullshit problem to folks who have very small incomes, but I would really appreciate hugs! Thank you for listening! ❤️

[fanficfanattic]

So I realize my experience with AuDHD is both incredibly common and also extremely unique.

Like the fact that my med manager prescribed me adderall before I had a formal diagnosis is unheard of. I feel like there are people who got all the testing done and it was still gate-kept from them. I had it prescribed two years before I had any testing done. It was based purely on observation over the course of several years.

I’ve been treated for anxiety and depression for almost 20 years. My first depression med was prescribed by my GP’s assistant while I was still in school. I had an actual psychiatrist for a while. And then an APRN after that. Before getting a therapist that was part of a practice that also had med managers available on site too.

So I was with them for a couple of years before I went to grad school. And realized that while I was able to ignore my issues during undergrad, the lack of concentration was going to fail me out. There wasn’t a fake it til you make it during law school.

So I went to my med manager, talked about it, and they were like “yeah, this makes sense”. Started my prescription, was on it two years, and then had to get a new therapist and a new med manager. Got switched around to a few things and now I’m on strattera!

In the meantime, about a year after starting that, my therapist gently suggested I think about being evaluated for autism. And since my childhood therapist had said I was probably autistic, I was like, “yeah, this makes sense”. (My childhood therapist didn’t suggest pursuing a diagnosis because the harm of that diagnosis, which would have prevented me from getting health insurance in the Before Times outweighed any benefit. I did well enough in life that it seemed like the way to go.)

And I got my diagnosis! It didn’t super change anything. Other than explain some of the things I did for my parents. Like it shouldn’t have mattered why large family gatherings stressed me out but apparently this made it acceptable? Okay.

But then. Then I wanted to apply for accommodations to sit for the bar. And guess what? Putting down autism on the paperwork? Would have meant that my state could decide that I had to have a supervising attorney assigned to me. Permanently.

But ADHD? Nope, that wouldn’t qualify me for needing supervision. It would explain why having a private, quiet room was necessary. And wouldn’t make people think I was inherently incapable of managing my own work product.

So I went back to the doctor who did my autism assessment. To ask if they could now assess me for adhd as well. And guess what? They had done that assessment at the same time! And guess what? I had been formally diagnosed with it for two years already! They had just forgot to mention it? I guess?!?

So, anyway, I was born autistic and with adhd. But the autism was noted without being assessed during childhood. The adhd was somehow missed then and for years. Even though I am textbook. But then my adhd was noted, though not diagnosed, while my autism flew under the radar.

And then both got diagnosed but I only knew about the one. For several years. Regardless of being treated medically for the other one.

Should just call me breach, because I came to all of this ass backwards baby.

[copperbadge]

storieswritteninthesand

Fwiw, you’ve mentioned those calming mental effects a couple times now, and they sound a lot like the impact anxiety meds had for me - releasing some of the anxiety mental load to make life more approachable. (Sorry if we’re still pretending that part of the diagnosis doesn’t exist!)

Well, not so much pretending it doesn’t exist, although I know I push back on it pretty hard. Part of it is that I still have no documentation regarding it -- last I heard the doctor who was meant to do the writeup said “I’ll have it for you this evening” and then nothing. I replied to her a few days later stating I’d still very much like it and nothing since, either. I’m trying to determine now if I should bother emailing again, if I should get insurance involved, or if I should just let it go. For what it’s worth, the psychiatrist gave me an anxiety screening that I actually scored quite low on, but of course he didn’t spend three hours in a room with me. 

So a few more thoughts behind the cut...

I did spend a lot of time thinking about it after I realized the Adderall was calming me, because there is a shift in mood and an accompanying physical reaction. I think...the problem may be that we use the word anxiety in two different ways in terms of actual mental health (instead of like, “I’m passingly anxious about this date” or whatnot).

There’s Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is very specific and has a list of DSM criteria that you have to fit. Every time I go back to that criteria, I go “No, this isn’t me.” I simply don’t have enough symptoms. That’s me saying it myself, but I feel pretty confident about it, and the change when the medication kicks in doesn’t cause the kind of shift you’d see if those symptoms were alleviated. 

While ADHD medication can affect anxiety, I think it’s also important to note that I’m taking a stimulant, and anti-anxiety/depressant medications are not generally stimulants but SSRI/SNRIs and benzodiazepines. From my reading, granting I’m not a doctor, what I’m getting with the medication is dopamine, not serotonin. Dopamine and serotonin are both neurotransmitters but they’re transmitting different things, and if my dopamine balancing is what’s making me feel calmer, then it’s likely that Anxiety in the clinical sense is not what I was dealing with. 

But there’s a second usage of the word anxiety, a more casual one, that seems to encompass a lot of shit we really don’t have a good name for. Our vocabulary when it comes to negative emotion is limited, at least in English, and I suspect we don’t seek the nuanced language to discuss it because it’s scary and upsetting. So “anxiety” is possibly getting applied to a lot of stuff that I am in fact feeling but that I didn’t identify as anxiety, that is clinically not identified as GAD, and I was objecting because I hadn’t encountered that form of definition for it before. 

It’s unclear how I signaled anxiety to the evaluator, or what the word encompasses in my case. Could be stress from carrying an extra cognitive load, depression linked to exhaustion, lower-case-a anxiety because I couldn’t put my thoughts in order and so they felt overwhelming. Maybe even just worry I couldn’t get everything done because time blindness meant I could never tell if I had enough time to accomplish all my tasks. Being able to order my thoughts and execute tasks with more ease would indeed alleviate all of that.   

And also, you know...this sounds terrible to say but they gave me an IQ test and while they didn’t give me a number they did tell me I scored extremely high. That doesn’t signify much in the real world, but outlier scores like mine can mean we don’t react in expected ways to testing. It’s possible I just fucked the evaluation because I’m a weirdo. It’s one likely reason, my psychiatrist said, that I wasn’t diagnosed before now: my high cognitive scores were pulling my extremely low executive function scores up into normal range. 

So...I still push back on the idea of a GAD diagnosis, but I’m willing to entertain the idea that whatever is going on in my brain is something that people might realistically refer to as anxiety. And in that sense the Adderall is helping, so I suppose overall it’s a net positive :D 

[lean-mean-demon-genevieve]

Very reasonably priced woo-woo machine, I see she understands her targeted audience. Btw, what is parasite cleansing? I feel like I’m missing something here…

Anon #2 that came through while I was putting this together:

Parasite cleansing? Apart from the fact that in the US this really only an issue for pets and livestock, I’m still calling bull. No way that anything designed to kill parasites wouldn’t be intrinsically toxic to this leech.

———————————————————————

Ok, get ready. Because THIS is one of my favorite things to talk about when it comes to Gen…You’re not missing anything because “parasite cleansing,” as she’s referring to it, is not a real thing. In recent years, G has become obsessed with “gut health” alongside the rest of the wellness community. Part of that is a concern for parasites that may be upsetting your delicate GI balance. 🙃 More info on the trend, scam, and risks here.

Time will tell if she actually circles back around to talk about this more like she said she would in that video. I hope she tells us who suggested it to her. But overall, Gen’s hypochondria stems from a mix of generalized anxiety, perfectionism/the drive to be constantly improving her “health”, and an abundance of access to resources and “professionals” who validate her concerns. G has been on this health optimization kick for quite a while but she recently named one of her major influences.

In the podcast where she talked about her implants, she also mentioned her doctor by name; Dr. Sharon Hausman-Cohen of Resilient Health. This whole medical practice is set up for the rich and the anxious. A few things stand out to me upon reading the doc’s bio on their website: First, she is the lead scientist for IntelxxDNA, a genetic testing service that claims to be able to tell you what medical concerns you may be at risk for, and advise on next steps.

As I researched this service further, other resources would note that one risk of this kind of testing is an increase in stress and anxiety. And that makes sense if you find out your DNA makes you at risk for some super scary disease. Just ask Gen:

So if I’m reading between the lines here, it sounds like G got her DNA profile read at this practice and then has become, understandably, even more hyper-aware of her body and body sensations as a result. And then you have a doctor with an invested interest going, “oh no, let’s monitor how you’re feeling at all times.” This is a recipe for disaster when you’re anxious. You will see what you look for, without fail. No wonder she bites her cuticles.

Furthermore, the clinical validity and utility of these tests cannot be confirmed as of yet. (Source) Clinical utility refers to whether the test can provide helpful information about diagnosis, treatment, management, or prevention of a disease. So all this hyper-focus and making it rain on this doctor could all be for nothing.

You might saying, “what does she mean by making it rain on the doctor?” Well, finally there’s this part:

Private membership at the doctor’s office? If you’re unfamiliar with this form of boutique or concierge medicine, it may be because you aren’t in the right tax bracket. Here’s a fairly quick rundown that I like, but it’s basically paying a monthly out-of-pocket fee to a physician for 24/7 access to their care. For my friends in the US, our insurance plans could never. (And you still need health insurance or deep pockets on top of it for additional prescriptions, tests, etc…seriously, read the article above.)

I won’t go into the ethical implications of providing access to care to only the rich, but it’s definitely there imho. Plus check out the practice’s condescending phrasing: a membership is the ultimate self-care. Don’t you care about your health??! Inquire about giving us your money today!

So why am I going on and on about this? Because our dear Gen is stuck in an echo chamber of health anxiety and she wants you to be right there with her. There’s nothing inherently wrong with integrative medicine or holistic practices, but life is hard enough without allowing this broad to add to your stress. If you find yourself asking if you too need some crap she’s peddling, the answer is likely no. And she doesn’t need it either. She just has access to it...and she’s probably hoping you help foot her bill with a purchase through a monetized link.

[dreamwritesimagines]

Hellooo love! Omg could I ask where did u go for your vacation? I know you announced it and we've all been suffering ever since but I didn't realize you actually went full on another continent, did you have fun? I hope you had a wonderful wonderful time and omg I can't wait for sunday!!!!

Hello my darliiiing! ❤️

Oh it was wonderful overall with a very specific issue 😁My vacation story is a bit long, so for anyone who'd like to hear about how my own body hates me having fun, it's under the cut 😁

TW: Mentions of skin issues/eczema

Alright so first of all, for my vacation I flew to my dream city and it was absolute perfection EXCEPT my own body self sabotaging me somehow.

So for starters, let's see the summary;

Things I have: Very dry skin Diagnosed anxiety disorder

Things my vacation didn't have: A health insurance for a different country. Any available doctors I could see that wouldn't make me go bankrupt.

So what happened was that, a lot of things went wrong on the day of my flight and I was very much stressed the day before. And like I said, I have such dry skin that I didn't even get acne when I was a teenager, and one would think it's a nice thing but it's actually terrible because I basically turn into that "Moisturize me" character in Doctor Who whenever the weather changes 😁 So anyway, I took the plane, I landed and my skin went INSANE?

My bff and a family friend derm think it's eczema which was probably caused by stress, but I've never actually seen myself or my skin like that. It took like a week for my skin to get better and I swear to you, even my under eyes cracking and peeling😭 And the worst part was that I couldn't even go to the doctor and like, that made me even more stressed and it was basically a domino effect 😁

You'd think that'd be the end of it, but nope!

So my new theory is that it's something on the plane, something that I'm allergic to or something that fuels this eczema thingy. Because I landed today and I just got home and looked in the mirror and guess what I saw?

I look like how I looked when it first happened 😭

So I took some meds and I'll see how it looks within the weekend and then I'll go see a doctor if there's no improvement🙈

BUT

If we ignore that part, it was such a lovely vacation! ❤️ I had so much fun and I was so so sooo happyyy! ❤️❤️❤️

[fleetsparrow]

So, after seeing a post that mentioned how doctors will literally let patients die rather than treat them for other health problems while fat, I remembered I wanted to talk about this.

I have been trying to get top surgery for the past... 5 years? At least? In my area, there's only one doctor who does all the top surgeries for my insurance. For this entire time, I have been told that I must lose weight before I can get this done.

~~Backstory time~~

In late 2016, my bipolar developed psychotic symptoms (auditory hallucinations being the strongest). I was put on aripiprazole and stayed on it until about August of this year.

During the last part of 2016 through 2017, I went from about 135 pounds to 220 within months. Not a single doctor connected it to my new medication. Every one of them said it was my "eating habits" (I have struggled with disordered eating for years, even before this, but especially after) or my lack of activity. During this time, my fibro pain increased tremendously, though we finally did get it controlled. I could not walk without a cane for years. When we went to comic conventions, I had to use travel chairs or wheelchairs because walking for that long would cause severe pain. I couldn't walk from my bedroom down the hall to the living room without my hips seizing up.

But I was fat. So, you know, this was all my fault. 😑

(Note: I'm 5'1". I've always been on the small side of fat, and I recognize this. These are just my personal experiences.)

With a medication, I got most of my fibro pain under control. Between 2021 through now, I ended up at a very physically active job. My weight has been stable for years, but still "too high."

~~End backstory~~

In August, I changed anti-psychotics. Within two weeks, I lost about 4 pounds. This past Wednesday, I went for a weigh-in for my surgery, and I'm down to 198. The nurse congratulated me for this and said she'll let the doctor know so we can set the surgery date. My mom congratulated me for losing weight. My dad even is happy about this (I say "even" because we don't really talk if I can help it.)

The thing is, I have done nothing to lose weight. The only thing that changed is a medication.

I am livid. I am seething.

My mom is angry because not a single doctor listened to me when I said that I was gaining weight too quickly without anything changing. I guess I'm a bit miffed about that, but I'm used to not being listened to by doctors.

What I'm most upset about is the way people, including doctors, have treated me because I'm fat.

I have done so much self work on unlearning anti-fatness. I have advocated for myself, I have tried educating people, I have done my best to be as good to myself as I can, because I know nobody else will.

I am currently the fattest person in my office, and have been for years now. I'm also the only one who doesn't allow diet talk around me. I am exhausted.

I also still struggle with disordered eating all the time. I love food. I think food is a true joy and should be a joy for everyone. Yet, I still feel "guilty" for eating at all. I constantly deny myself food that I need to eat because I haven't "earned" it.

But every doctor thinks I overeat. Every nutritionist tells me to eat half of what little I already eat. Every single person explicitly or implicitly tells me I'm doing something wrong because I'm fat.

I am furious. I am tired of diminishing. I do not want to lose weight, yet I now am.

But everyone else? They're so proud of me.

I'm under 200 pounds, a weight I haven't seen in nearly 10 years.

I'm so tired.

I'm so stressed.

But most of all, I'm angry.

[dolleminas]

hi, my doctor has given me a tentative diagnosis of pcos and the only info I can find about it online that doesn't relate to getting pregnant is your Tumblr post. do you have any sources for the stuff about fatigue, vitamin D deficiency, etc being super common in pcos? cos I've dealt with those forever too. things are clicking into place but also with the way the NHS is I don't know if there's much point confirming the diagnosis (it's only diagnosed with transvaginal ultrasound :c) because the only treatment offered seems to be birth control and fertility treatment.

Good afternoon, nonny. Thanks for reaching out to me! And congratulations on getting a (albeit tentative) diagnosis. I know it might not seem positive, but now you know what you have and what can be done about it. At least, that is how I felt.

When I first made that post I never expected so many women to add their own experiences, talk of their their shock, their anger... or just admit that they had been diagnosed for years but that I somehow taught them things they never knew.

It's been an experience and a half. But I'm very glad that I can spread information and if that helps you, even better.

First of all, to diagnose PCOS, you need to fit 2/3 criteria of the Rotterdam concensus. Irregular periods, higher testosterone, and 12 or more follicles on your ovaries each. So, even without a hormone test you can usually tell whether someone has PCOS. Even so, I would still recommend asking for a hormone test if your health insurance covers it.

Sources

I tried looking up an English source for you since you mentioned NHS. Do keep in mind that women's healthcare is really not researched well and that there will be sources and information that will contradict one another. Here is one such article about the Rotterdam concensus.

As you can see they also mention the insulin resistance in this article, IBS, and fatigue, among other things.

Here is another one.

Here is some information about Insulin resistance in women with PCOS.

And here is some about depression.

You specifically asked for vitamin D so here is a study.

And another.

And one about fatigue.

I will however stress that these are all scientific sources and we all know that it can sometimes be biased, and again, not researched properly. My advice would always be to listen to women who have PCOS before listening to a medical source (no matter how professional it looks.)

My Own Experiences & Tips

I've not been diagnosed with PCOS long, but I have been quite thrown into studying it because it pissed me off interested me so much, and by researching (and reading a lot) here are some things that helped me, and I hope they can help you too.

Vitamin deficiencies are common in women with PCOS, especially Vitamin D. What I do is drink a glass of orange juice every morning with Vitamin D supplements. I take Solgar liquid vitamin drops, but depending on where you live they might have something of a different brand. Remember; take it during a meal.

Carbs make your sugar spike, so try to swap out some high-carb foods for lower carb. This way I have managed to lose weight, and this is often recommended for women with PCOS. And if you have a tendency for disordered eating, this will (generally) be easier than counting calories and going on a diet. After going low-carb my blood sugar level (which was high before) went down to regular levels and according to my doctor, I am now no longer immediately in danger of developing Diabetes Type 2.

Exercise! Especially weight-lifting, since it is mentioned it gives you more energy. Since starting myself, I have also noticed a difference. Here is a link for at home work-outs. Taking daily walks is also recommended for your exposure to sunlight and to help depression and anxiety.

Keep a diary of your symptoms. I have a word document with my own diary, so if anyone is interested I will be posting it. Just send me a message :)

Besides this, you do not need to go on birth control if you do not want to. My gynocologist said to me that once every three months you need to have your period. Women with PCOS can have a period 4 times a year, and that is enough! If you get your period less, then you can take progesteron pills for 7 days, and it will start your period. Again; you only need to use them for 7 days. You could do this four times a year and that would be all. Then again I am not a gynocologist so do talk about this with your doctor.

Another thing is that the fatigue could also very well be a side-effect of low vitamin D, B12, and low iron. My advice would be to get tested monthly if you can, and then try to balance your vitamins and see if this improves your fatigue.

And last but no least I recommend Meals She Eats. I made a post about it before, but even if you ignore everything else that is said (they are a bit woo-woo about organic foods and sugars) they still are very informative about the menstrual cycle. If for any reason you are unable to get your hands on the book do reach out to me in my DM's and I can help you.

If there is anything else I forgot I will reblog this and add more information, and I also will request others do too! The more we learn about PCOS and our cycle, the better.

I hope you have a nice day, anon. And I apologise if it took me a while to get to this ask!

[hotforharrison]

Hi! I want to hug you so bad! 

(If anything, English is not my first language, but I hope it will be understandable, everything I write with the help of a translator).

Good for you for speaking up! You don't have to keep all the pain inside. It only hurts us more and also the feelings in our heads keep pressing on us even longer. I'll be honest! I have always been overweight myself. I'm not good with English weight meanings, but google says 200 pounds fits what I mean. And I weighed that in my teenage years because of family and school problems. I thought I could never change. I thought really horrible things. I really thought that death was the best way out. I might have weighed more, but at some point I stopped getting on the scale. I wish I could say that something universal helped me in the end, something that could help you quickly too! But it was more of a moment of acceptance. I realized that I was hurting myself. That all these thoughts were ruining me. I wanted to be happy and healthy! And you know what? You're realizing it, too, and that's a huge step forward. And the important thing is to remember that. There will be good days and there will be bad days. That's normal! But gradually things will change. It took me a couple of years to lose the weight, and it took me a few more years to figure out a little bit about myself and my problems, including my food problems. And maybe the help of a psychologist is what you need most right now.

It's also important for you to recover from injury and surgery. This will take even more time. But don't berate yourself and your body! It's a lot of stress for him and trust me! He's working very hard to recover. And you should be grateful to your body. One day things will go faster. You'll see! Just give yourself time. I know you want the best here and now, but when we've been eating and hurting ourselves for years at first without realizing it, and wanting to fix things quickly isn't going to work. 

And about your husband. Honey, I'm probably not the best person to help you with that, and I'm sorry. I can imagine how hard it is, being together for so many years and in an open marriage, but still at some point to realize that you are not so important anymore. I'm really sorry, honey. I think you're realizing it yourself and you know what will happen in the end. Again, it's the realization and acceptance that counts. It's going to hurt, darling. But time heals everything. Your attachment to your husband now is more a fact of your habit and the bargaining constancy you're used to. And change is always stressful. But whatever happens in the end, everything will be all right. You're going to get through this! And you will achieve your goals. Step by step, everything will be fine. You can do it, I believe in you ❤️

Thank you so much!

Your words are completely understandable and clear! I wouldn't have guessed your first language wasn't English.

I don't keep them completely inside. I do talk to my bestie about all these things (I met her on Tumblr over 4 years ago, and she's the best -- @skymoonandstardust )

I also have a counselor who I talk to, including about my disordered eating and relationship with food, but I've had some trouble getting sessions with her over the past couple of months. She's always booked pretty far out, and the last few sessions have been canceled due to the counseling center scheduling an appointment wrong (seeing both the marriage counselor and my solo session on the same day, which no one mentioned most insurances won't allow), then a massive power outage, then severe weather, then she had a family emergency and had to reschedule her appointments a few more weeks out. I hopefully have another session on Monday, if nothing happens to cancel it.

I'm sorry you went through all that with your weight and mental health issues, but I'm so glad you were able to work through it and that things got better for you! Being happy and healthy is so important.

I lost a lot of weight (around 80 lbs) my first year of college when I was 19. I was very active, both walking everyday and hitting the gym at least 3-4 times a week. I didn't count calories, but I did eat sensibly. The only problem with that was that the weight loss was entirely for my first... partner, I guess I could call him. It was a really messed up situation. I moved to be with him, minus all the weight. He hadn't seen me in a year, and he didn't comment on my weight loss at all. That hurt a lot after I worked so hard.

I'm losing the weight for me this time -- a good portion of which is for my health.

I had to do a pre-op complete metabolic panel for my ankle surgery back in January. There's a range in fasting blood sugar levels that indicates prediabetes, and I was 1 into that threshold, out of I think 26 -- something like 101 when the range was 100-126. Diabetes runs in my family, and a genetic test I had done several years ago indicated I was much more likely to develop type 2 diabetes than the average person.

There is the dating component, too, but the weight loss isn't for my future boyfriend (hopefully) so he'll think I'm hot or whatever. It's so I can be comfortable in my own skin. I'm obviously not going to be ready for a relationship if I don't want to be naked in front of anyone else because of my own intense insecurities.

I've also amassed a box full of clothes in my goal clothing size that I bought on clearance that I'd very much like to wear. I used to wear men's fandom shirts, like Marvel, and men's athletic pants pretty much exclusively. I felt terrible about myself, and it reflected in my appearance. I learned over some time that I feel much better about myself when I dress in feminine clothes that make me feel pretty, which I do also have in my current size.

I know didn't gain all the weight overnight, and I'm not going to lose it overnight either as much as I'd like to. Patience is definitely difficult with as much as I want to meet my goals, but I know it is important. I'm not going to help future me at all if I rush things and don't allow my body to heal like it needs to. I'm going to begrudgingly listen to my doctor and physical therapist and not push things.

The prospect of divorce is particularly hard for me because my husband was my first boyfriend, first legitimate actual relationship where I wasn't a dirty little secret. He's been my only real relationship, and the only person I've ever loved romantically.

I had a "boyfriend" in 2016 when we hadn't been polyamorous for long, but I use the term "boyfriend" loosely. The relationship was very short lived and more wishful thinking on my part because of being new to polyamory and wanting to have a boyfriend in the general sense of having one. We weren't very compatible. He was just the first guy who showed interest in me, and I went with that.

I know salvaging my marriage is likely the same sort of wishful thinking as well, and I realize that more some times than others, but I'm not ready to completely give up yet. It hurts too much right now. Just thinking about it leaves me in tears.

I think it's part of why I've been writing one of my fics again -- to escape from the reality of my marriage and imagine being in love again, when my heart fluttered and was full of joy and there were shared smiles and laughter and inside jokes and nothing was forced, instead of this aching in my chest with what I desperately wish was a premature sense of loss and grief, and profound loneliness that doesn't go away even when we're together, and trying to somehow recapture what used to be there between us when I just don't know how to accomplish that, and the only thing that seems to be left now is denial and a stream of tears that never fully dries up.