#(the other book of hers was a mango shaped space. i think i read it in 8th grade/2012? synesthesia.......)

[thestarmaker]

rereading The Most Formative Book Of Your Childhood is something that can be so personal. Wendy Mass I owe you everything ⭐

[bklynsboys]

The Theory on Other Halves

pairing: spencer reid x reader summary: "there's an old buddhist saying, i once read, that when you meet your soulmate, remember that the act to bring you together was 500 years in the making." genre: fluff word count: 1k author's notes: i wrote this because this particular line of spencer's is one of my absolute favorites! i think it's really beautiful how all of the people we love were meant to be in our lives since 500 years ago. and of course, as a fan of space & constellations, i had to insert it into this fic. enjoy <3

THE AIR HUNG HEAVY WITH THE AFTERMATH OF A PARTICULARLY BRUTAL CASE—TYPICAL FOR A DAY IN THE BAU. Dust specks danced in the pale slivers of moonlight filtering through the blinds. Hotch decided it'd be best to give the team a few hours to rest in the motel before heading back home. If it were up to you, you'd be back in your bed as soon as humanly possible, but rooming with the resident genius, Dr. Spencer Reid—the object of your unspoken affections—is an opportunity you wouldn't miss.

For months, the two of you have shared a silent dance of exchanged glances and shared interests. Your colleagues, particularly the girls whom you confided in, seemed to think it was mutual. Now, you sat across from each other on motel beds, a comfortable silence blanketing the room. You traced a thoughtful finger along the rim of your empty coffee cup.

"You have a constellation," he said softly, breaking the stillness.

Your gaze flicked to Spencer, then down to your arm where his hand had landed. A faint scattering of moles dotted the inside of your forearm, resembling a modicum of stars. A small smile tugged at your lips.

"Looks like Ursa Major," he mused, tracing the pattern with his finger. "Though perhaps a little worse for wear, and without the usual bright light, of course."

You chuckled, mirroring his action on your arm. There, nestled just below your elbow, was a crescent moon birthmark, a surprise you always enjoyed revealing.

"Here's another one," you offered.

He turned his hand, examining the crescent with a childlike curiosity. " It's beautiful," he said simply.

"Did you know," Spencer added softly, his voice barely a murmur, "that the ancient Greek saw Ursa Major as a bear?"

You tilted your head, surprised by the random fact. " A bear?"

A smile played on his lip. " Apparently, the constellation's asterism resembled the animal to them. Makes you wonder what they saw in the night sky that we don't."

"Well, my mom had a different take on that," you began, a fond memory surfacing. " She used to say my moon and stars meant I'd meet a space nerd someday who'd love these marks, and we'd be orbiting each other, kind of like the Earth and the sun. She was into soulmates, you see, and space."

The conversation flowed easily, a map of your bodies sketched through shared stories. You pointed to a jagged scar on your knee, the fading memory of you running around and ending up with a scrape on your knee. He, in turn, showed you the faint line on his palm, a souvenir from a particularly enthusiastic attempt at a science experiment as a child.

Your fingers trailed down the faint scar near his hairline, so faint one wouldn't notice it if they weren't looking at Spencer's face intently. "What's this from?" you asked gently.

Spencer chuckled. " You know, how I have really bad coordination?" He sighed. " I was lost in a book, I ran straight into a doorpost. My mom called me 'Crash' after that."

You squeezed his hand gently, a silent understanding passing between you. You knew how much Spencer cherished his mom, especially with her health declining. Sharing stories about her felt like a tender offering of his vulnerability.

He returned the gesture, his thumb tracing the faint outline of a mango-shaped birthmark on your back. " My mom swears it's from all the mangoes she craved while pregnant," you said with a laugh, remembering your childhood debates about the science behind birthmarks.

As the night wore on, your exploration became a conversation without words. You ended up curled up on one bed. You ran your fingers over the slight dip in his lower back, a lingering ache from a wrestling match between an unsub gone wrong. He skimmed his thumb across the freckle dusting your shoulder, a map of sun-drenched summer days.

There was no urgency, no pressure. Just a quiet appreciation for the way your bodies, like your minds, fit together, like puzzle pieces worn from being fitted together—entangled from experiences, both big and small. In the faint intimacy, you found a deeper connection, a comfort that transcended beyond just physical.

Suddenly, Spencer spoke, his voice soft. " Maybe your mom was right, you know."

"Right about what?" You murmured, head tilting at the man's question.

His gaze met yours, a thoughtful crease furrowing his brow. " About finding your soulmate," he said hesitantly. " There's an old Buddhist saying, I once read, that when you meet your soulmate, remember that the act to bring you together was 500 years in the making."

A thoughtful hum escaped your lips. " That's beautiful, Spencer," you whispered.

He continued, a hint of a smile playing on his lips, "Plato once wrote humans used to have four arms, four legs, and two faces, but Zeus split us in half as a punishment for our pride, and we were destined to walk the Earth searching for our other half."

A soft blush crept up your neck. You hadn't expected such a personal turn in the conversation.

"Plato," you murmured, surprised." The one who wasn't a big fan of the soulmate idea, right?"

Spencer's lips curved into a small smile.

"True," he admitted. "But even a brilliant mind like his couldn't deny the undeniable pull we sometimes feel towards certain people. Maybe the Greeks weren't so far off . Maybe the stars, the constellations, these little imperfections on our skin... Maybe they all tell us a story of where we belong."

His words hung in the air, heavy with unspoken meaning. You found yourself captivated by the way the moonlight glinted in his eyes.

"So," you finally spoke, your voice barely a whisper, "are you saying we're destined to be wandering halves searching for the other?"

Spencer shook his head slowly, his gaze never leaving yours. "No," he said, his voice a smooth cadence. " Maybe... Maybe we already found each other."

The silence that followed was thick with unspoken sentiments. The air crackled with a tension that both terrified and exhilarated you. Your heart hammered against your ribs, a frantic drumbeat to the quiet reverberation of the night. Curled beside him, Spencer's arm draped casually across you, its weight a comforting presence, you drifted off to sleep.

A faint smile touched Spencer's lips as he listened to your soft snores. "Good night," he whispered into the darkness.

[quinnsqueries]

Why Everyone Should Read "A Mango Shaped Space"

Wendy Mass was the first author I ever truly loved. Believe it or not, it took me until the ripe age of ten years old to truly love reading. And I remember the first book that actually got me hooked, and no it wasn't Mango, it was, however, by Wendy Mass. And, in classic little kid style, it was part of a series of books and I read them backwards.

And, I really just want to congratulate Wendy Mass on her writing abilities. She made me laugh, squeal and cry in one whole night. Three hours, to be exact, as that is how long it took me to read the whole book. And, well, it'd been a long time since I read it, so I didn't remember too much about the book, and what I did remember was the most tragic event in the book, the premise, and that the main character saw her grandfather in her kitten.

And, well, even though I knew what happened, I knew the tragic event was, well, tragic...it still didn't prepare me for it enough because I sobbed like a baby when it happened. I don't want to say what happened because, spoilers, but like, jesus christ, I cried. And I don't do that very often with books these days.

Anyway, I really recommend reading A Mango Shaped Space if you haven't, because I saw myself in the main character. Now, I don't have synesthesia, but I still saw myself in Mia, and maybe you will too. If you don't want spoilers for the book, then I suggest you stop reading here. If you don't mind it, if you need more convincing, then read along!

My first though when rereading this book was: Wow, Mia, you and I are so alike, I can't do math either. My second thought was, wow, Mia has anxiety. The opening scene is our protagonist, Mia, trying to solve a math problem and failing. She's never been good at math and she says it's because of the colors she sees and how it just doesn't work correctly when she tries to do math.

Mia was in front of the class trying to solve a math problem, and since she's not good at math, she's trying to stall for time, so she attempts to solve the problem while putting all the numbers in the "correct" color. Except, other people don't see the world as colorfully as Mia, and this ends up with her in the principals office realizing that maybe she's different and that it's not a good thing. This ultimately ends up with Mia trying to hide how different she is.

Now let's pause here for a moment. This scene not only builds up the entire plot of the book, but also reminds me of a lot of different things. Whenever someone thinks there might be something wrong with them, it can often be overlooked. With Mia it was her synesthesia, but with other people it can be so many different things. Autism, ADHD, depression...

I think this book is coded for neurodivergency, whether Wendy Mass meant it or not, and honestly, that means so much for me. And I'll further explain why I felt that way as I reveal more of the story, but for now, just trust me on this one.

The next scene sets up Mia's life as it currently is. We meet her best friend Jenna, her mom and dad, and her little brother Zack. And let me tell you: this family is weird and I love it. Wendy Mass built the characters so realistically, she legit brought them to life. Her little brother is obsessed with superstitions and has kept track of every single McDonalds burger he's ever eaten. Her older sister basically never touched grass in her life and then spends a summer in California and is obsessed with all of these nature-y spirity things. Her mom is very clean and horrible with dealing with emotions. She used to be a science teacher and loves astronomy. Her dad is the more sensitive parent (which like? Hello! We never get that!) He's constantly building and expanding their house, which is something he'd battle with his dad against until he died. He flies a hellicopter!

And then there's Mia. Who, like me, sucks at math, is okay with english and history, and is super artistic. She gets overwhelmed by a lot of noise, which the first time we see this happen, is when her brother turns up all of her clocks so when it strikes 5pm they'll all go off. It's super loud and overwhelming and Mia can't see straight. I get that way too, and the way Wendy Mass writes is super relatable.

If I had been prepared, I would have been able to anticipate the onslaught, but now it is overwhelming and I feel like I'm suffocating.

I get this way too! When things are too loud, if there's too many people around me, etc, I can't breathe, which Mass depicts, too. Mia has to crouch on the floor just so she can breathe. And then when the noise goes away, which causes the colors to go away, she can breathe again. This is a realistic depiction of anxiety, and while this is due to Mia's synesthesia, I think a lot of people can relate to how Mia is feeling in this moment.

Mia is then, understandably, afraid of hearing too many sounds, but when she takes control of the noise, like putting on music, then she's perfectly fine with it. Here's another quote from the book which just resonated with me.

All of them, belonging, at that minute, only to me.

This quote is in relation to the colors, but really just accurately depicts how when we have control of things, you really just feel at peace. And since it's preceded by such a powerful scene of feeling out of control, I think this sentence is just kinda perfect.

Another powerful scene is when Mia meets another kid like her. His name is Billy and he's five years old. Mia meets him at a supermarket and at first she doesn't realize that he's like him, but when she's does she's shocked. And, reasonably, scared and confused. This pushes the plot forward, and the next big scene is Mia coming clean to her parents. But first, just another quote that made me scream.

These visits are hard for her, no matter what she says. Or doesn't say. I hurry back to the house thinking of all the things we keep from other people. Even our best friends.

This quote sums up so much of the book, and it comes so early on. Mia's been keeping her synesthesia to herself for years, and it causes so many problems. It makes her feel isolated, which in turn, when she finds out that there are other people like her, makes her go crazy. She hyperfixates and loses track of whats right in front of her. Wendy Mass depicts what life is all about, depicts something that can really happen to anyone, depending on how isolated they feel. And it doesn't have to just be with synesthesia, it can be with anything! And that is what I loved about this book more.

If you haven't been convinced to keep reading, well...we're only on page 50.

So, like I said, the next big scene is Mia telling her parents that she has synesthesia, though she doesn't yet know the name for her condition. Beforehand, she's talking about why certain things, like math and languages are hard for her, because, no matter what she tries, they don't make sense.

When she tells her parents about the colors, they reasonably freak out. They argue back and forth about how it's their fault she's this way, the mom tries reason it with Mia having just memorized the colors because of the blocks she played with as a kid, and then they decide to set up a doctors appointment. All they want to do is fix Mia.

Also, I just want to point out, at this point, that even insignificant characters, like the history teacher in this book have such stunning quirks. The history teacher is a germaphobe and when Mia gets called down to be picked up, she doesn't know what it's for and her instant reaction is "did I put my history homework in the wrong pile?"

And, if I haven't given you enough quotes, heres another one that resonates with me.

At that point I would rather have been called anything but crazy. It's one thing for me to call myself crazy. It is another thing entirely when a doctor does it.

At this point in the book Mia has been referred to a therapist, or that's at least what they call her. Who, by the way, assumes Mia's making this up. And Mia thinks that because she's been referred to a therapist the doctor is calling her crazy, which, I don't entirely think he was. He just wasn't sure what to do about her condition since he doesn't specialize in that field.

Anything, the next thing we know, Mia tells her best friend about synesthesia and she gets upset. Previously in the book we learned Jenna's mom died when she was young and it had such an impact on her, which is why she's scared that Mia had been hiding such a big part of her life from her. She doesn't understand what is going on with Mia, and she seems like she might be sick at this point in the book, since nobody knows what synesthesia is. So, they have a fight because Jenna is scared that her best friend might die, even if she doesn't say it out loud, we can tell.

Mia then meets the therapist and gets referred to a neurologist, who, when Mia and her mom meet in person, then tells her what synesthesia is, since he specializes in it. He then says they can meet again sometime, sends Mia off with a website, and she's reasonably happy. She then spends the later half of the book hyper fixating on her new terminology, learning more about synesthesia, and making a new friend through the website. All the while ignoring what she has in real life. She distances herself from Jenna, who she finally made up with, and the rest of her friends. She ignores her schoolwork, and even does acupuncture because she read online that it really brings out her colors.

Now, at this point, I think it's only fair to bring up the cat, Mango. The namesake of the book. Mia first met Mango after her grandfather died, and she reminded her of him because they had the same eyes. She believes a part of her grandfather lives on through Mango, which softened her grandfathers death. But, the thing is, Mango, despite being fairly young, is dying, which is hinted at through the book. Mango has a lung condition and takes medicine for it.

During a meetup of people with synesthesia Mia has her first kiss and it's the best night of her life. And then, once she gets home, she realizes that Mango is missing. He'd gotten trapped outside. Mia brings him inside but something isn't right. Mango is dying and the roads are flooded. They try to take him to the vet via helicopter, but he dies on the way. And Mia is blaming herself for it. She thinks she hadn't been paying enough attention to Mango, and because of that he died.

My eyes open wide, and the pain hits me in thick black waves. Then I scream loud enough to wake the dead. Only it doesn't.

This quote was what made the tear-gates flood. Mia is grieving and hard. And during the next couple of chapters there are so many raw quotes, things like "I wish the ice would go right through me and take the pain away." Because Mia just lost her best friend, and she doesn't know how to cope. And also, her colors are gone, because it's a traumatic experience and apparently that happens.

And, also, it's Jenna's birthday party that day, and Mia just feels stuck in bed. And Jenna is blaming the synesthesia get-together for Mia being absent to being early for setting up. This gets resolved quickly by Mia's mom calling Jenna and explaining that Mango died, but this further shows us that Mia really had been neglecting everything in favor of researching/being hyper-fixated on her diagnosis. On her explanation of why she is the way she is.

The book then comes to a close with Mia finding Billy, whom she had been searching for in hopes of helping him and his family learn more about who he is and what he has, and with Mia reconnecting with her loved ones. And really, they ended it even softer with finding Mango's children, because he'd been courting another cat. Jenna's cat.

And well, I just really loved this book. So, please, please read it and tell me your thoughts. Did you also find that it's coded in nuerodivergency and other mental health issues?

[bitchfitch]

that last ask made me go look up Wendy mass again to see what she's been up to since I grew out of her books and i forgot how much of my childhood Was her books.

Heaven Looks A Lot Like The Mall was like, The book that kept me alive when I was younger, A Mango Shaped Space still makes me tear up just thinking about it, Jeremy Fink and The Meaning Of Life is just Fuck man. Books that Haunt You for life to the point you're still thinking about them a decade later.

And then the Willow Falls series! I only ever read the first three but they were the perfect blend of weird and mundane and magical and like Dhdhhdhdhdhdh If you ever read anything i recommend, read 11 Birthdays, then Finally, then 13 Gifts, (and then all of mass's other books). Like, a mango shaped space is also an Amazing read and definitely worth it, but it's a book about a teen girls cat... you can do the math on how that'll go for mango. but fuck man it's a Good Book.

[richincolor]

Interview with Author Crystal Maldonado

The bloggers here at Rich in Color have been reading Fat Chance, Charlie Vega over the past month in preparation for our book discussion that will be posted tomorrow. We were so excited to also have an opportunity to hear directly from author Crystal Maldonado. It’s always a treat to be able to find out a little bit more about the writing journey of an author.

Crystal, thanks so much for taking time to answer a few questions today. Sharing a novel with others takes some bravery and often thick skin. What convinced you to actually send your book out into the world?

Becoming a published author had always been a dream of mine, but I wasn’t sure it would ever come to fruition. In 2018, I had just turned 30 and I was happily married, I was traveling, and I was really enjoying myself, yet the yearning to publish a book and use my voice for good was nagging at me. I just felt like I had all of these words and stories inside of me wanting to come out! At that time, I was sitting on the finished manuscript for “Fat Chance, Charlie Vega,” with no plans for next steps. I realized that I was giving up before I’d even tried for fear of failure. I asked myself what was worse: never trying and always wondering, or putting my story out there and possibly failing? At least in the latter situation, I would have given it my best effort. Giving myself permission to fail was the spark I needed to try to make this book real — and now I get to hold a story I wrote in my hands!

Charlie has more than a few moments of awkwardness throughout her story. As a reader I was feeling for her. How does it feel as an author when you are writing those types of scenes?

It feels awkward for me, too! I do my best to get back into the mindset of what it felt like when I was a teen by listening to music that I enjoyed when I was in high school. Doing that means I sometimes feel the same awkwardness my characters do. But it’s really nice to be able to experience those things again, and I hope it ultimately adds a feeling of authenticity to the stories I write.

What is it like to do that delicate dance between fiction and your own experiences as you plotted?

Putting your heart into any story can feel very vulnerable, but I think you need a little bit of that vulnerability on the page in order to make the book feel real. So, I like to use experiences from my life as inspiration or reference material, but then heavily fictionalize them and make them work in my character’s lives. While my experiences may start as the seed, getting imaginative and creating new characters, scenarios, and dialogue is really what makes the story bloom.

The cover of your book is lovely. What was it like to see her for the first time rendered by someone else?

Thank you! Seeing the cover for the first time was pure magic. I sat in stunned silence for a moment and I can remember the feeling of my heart pounding, just taking this gorgeous image in. I cried. It was powerful to see a fat, brown girl right there, on the cover, for the world to see. I imagined how meaningful this would’ve been for me as a teen, and I thought of every fat brown girl out there who doesn’t get to see herself enough, and it made my heart full. Ericka Lugo, the illustrator for this cover, truly captured everything about Charlie so perfectly in this image, and I loved that she also included some flowers behind her, as if Charlie herself was blossoming. I hope others love it, too!

What have been some of the surprising aspects of moving in the publishing world?

I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how welcoming authors are! I was so nervous to get into publishing because I worried I’d always feel like an outsider looking in, but finding my debut group and then connecting with other incredible Latinx authors through Las Musas has been such a wonderful experience for me. I’m shy and introverted by nature, so much so that I didn’t tell anyone except for my husband that I was working on a book; it was a relief to get invited into these spaces with open arms and feel like I was able to easily connect with some truly inspirational authors. Now I consider many of the people I’ve met over the last year really great friends.

What books shaped you as a young person and are there any books out now that you would have appreciated then?

When I was really young, one of my favorite books was “Corduroy,” a sweet picture book about an overall-wearing teddy bear who is looking for a friend. I loved this story because it celebrated friendship and taught me early on that we should love ourselves exactly as we are! As a teen, I really loved “The House on Mango Street” by Sandra Cisneros, which I feel is such a beautiful and poignant novel. But I didn’t get to see many fat and/or brown main characters until I was well into adulthood. I would’ve loved to have read books like “Dumplin’” by Julie Murphy, “Love is a Revolution” by Renee Watson, or “Juliet Takes a Breath” by Gabby Rivera when I was a teenager!

If you could write anywhere, where would it be?

If it was just a vacation, I’d pick Greece, as it’s a place I’ve always wished to travel. I imagine writing somewhere in Mykonos and overlooking the water and creating my own version of “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.” It sounds so dreamy! For a long-term place to write, I’d love to go to Puerto Rico and explore my dad’s hometown and reconnect with my family there. I would really love a chance to spend some time there with my husband and daughter.

Thanks so much! I loved reading your book this past weekend. It brought me many smiles. I also wear glasses so am always excited to see a main character wearing them. The cover is also just beautiful overall. 🙂

Thank you so much for asking such great questions! I’m so happy you enjoyed the book!

Crystal Maldonado is a young adult author with a lot of feelings. Her debut novel, FAT CHANCE, CHARLIE VEGA (Holiday House), was released on Feb. 2, 2021. By day, she is a social media manager working in higher ed, and by night, a writer who loves Beyoncé, shopping, spending too much time on her phone, and being extra. She lives in western Massachusetts with her husband, daughter, and dog. Follow her everywhere @crystalwrote or visit her website at crystalwrote.com.

[lustresky]

chocolate [peter parker x f!reader]

summary: Ned’s idea turns out to be not that bad after all. (Or, a story in which you and Peter play the Pocky Challenge.)

wc: 4000ish. 

themes: teenagers being teenagers, asian snacks, fluff (to be very honest this is the very first story of mine to only have. like. a teaspoon of angst haha), mj’s bffs w reader, ned is the best wing-man we never knew we needed, peter’s adorable as usual

a/n: title is a song by bbolbalgan4 which i think perfectly describes reader & peter’s sweet ass relationship. this idea came to mind when i was eating pocky lmao. also! i imagined reader as asian cause i am too and i kinda ended up putting irl things about me (being an immigrant, a nerd, and having strict but loving parents) into her story, so if you want to imagine her as such, please feel free to do so! i don’t think that it really matters much in the end tho haha

“I’m gonna get some snacks,” You announce as you stand up from the sofa, popping your neck and letting out a satisfied sigh as you hear it crack. “You guys want anythin’? Mom and I stopped by the Asian store last night.”

“Ooh!” Ned breaks his stare from the TV screen, lowering his controller onto his lap and looking up at you with a grin. “Did you guys get some Shrimp Chips? It’s been a while since I’ve had some of those.”

You let out a snort, “Duh! One pack of Shrimp Chips comin’ right up.” You say as you open the kitchen cabinet in which your family kept the snacks; a colourful array of different chips and biscuits staring back at you in greeting. You ruffle through them to find the familiar pink and white plastic packaging.  “What about you— Pete, MJ? You guys cravin’ anything?”

“I’ll have some Hello Panda, if there’s any!” MJ calls back, and you didn’t have to look up from your position to know that her face is still buried in her true crime novel. You hum back in response at her request.

“Pete, what about you?” You say, as you finally find two packets of Shrimp Chips hidden in the corner of the cabinet; you take one in your arm as you proceed to look for MJ’s snack.

“I’ll um— I’ll just have whatever you have, Y/N! Thanks!” Peter answers back just as you find the familiar diamond shaped, pink box containing the strawberry filled cookies. You place it in your arm, right next to Ned’s snack.

“You sure you don’t want anythin’ specific, Pete?” You reply back, as you dig through to find the snack that you’ve been craving for ever since coming home from school with them three.

It had become an unspoken tradition between you four to hang out at your house every Friday after school; you really don’t remember when it had first happened exactly, but you had never once complained about it. It’s, and had always been, fun spending time with them— and the fact that your parents always have their ‘date nights’ (Which, to be fair, you think that they deserve to have as a tradition considering how hard they work to give you a good life.) on Fridays means that you four have the entire apartment to yourselves, which is pretty nice.

Surprisingly, your parents— as strict as they are with their upbringing of you sometimes— are pretty lenient with them staying over every single time. You assume that it’s only due to the fact that they’re all nerds (No hate, you’re one too.) who actually get good grades and focus in school, but it could also be that your parents just want to make sure that you aren’t hanging out with the ‘wrong’ crowd.

Hah, you laugh to yourself. If only they knew the truth.

Not that they’re a ‘bad’ crowd per se, but you don’t really think that they’d react nicely to finding out that you’re actually hanging out with your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man and his ‘posé’ every Friday afternoon… nor the fact that you’re harbouring a secret crush on him. Nope, nope. You’d get your ass whooped.

“Yeah, just pick whatever you want, Y/N!” Peter responds just as soon as you find the thin, red rectangular boxes behind the packets of dried mangoes. You hum back in reply to Peter’s answer, grabbing two packs, licking in your lips in anticipation. To top off the pile, you add a few random packets of candies and a few bottles of Yakults, Milkis and Banana Milk. They didn’t ask for any drinks, but you figured that it would only be appropriate to get some while you’re at it.

Trudging back to the living space, you let all the snacks fall from your arms once you reach the sofa, hearing Ned whoop and MJ set her book down on the floor as she rummaged through the pile for her own snack.

Within a blink of your eye, only the two boxes of Pocky and a bottle of Banana Milk and Milkis are left. You let out a laugh as you see MJ and Ned promptly stuffing their faces with their respective requests.

You plop down next to Peter on the carpet, desperately ignoring the rising heart-beat in your chest. God, keep it together, Y/N! You tell yourself.

Peter didn’t notice you nor react, much to your disappointment; his head’s still buried in his textbook, right hand scribbling away on a piece of scratch paper beside it. His brows are furrowed, lips set in a tight line as a bit of his tongue poked out in concentration— Christ, who the hell gave him the right to be this cute?

MJ suddenly speaks up to Peter, breaking your gaze from his form onto hers. “Dude,” She says, lips popping off of the Milkis can. One of her eyebrows rises up as her hand lays down her book onto the sofa. “It’s Friday, can’t you like— do your homework some other time?” She pauses to pop a Hello Panda in her mouth. “You have the whole weekend for that.”

“Yeah, Pete,” You agree, siding with her. You pop open the other can of Milkis as you slide the Banana Milk over onto Peter’s side. “Come on, I know that we’re all nerds and all, but still…”

Peter looks up at you, and that’s when you notice how his cheeks are tinted with colour. His brown eyes pass over yours and then onto the drink that you had slid over to him. Letting out a sigh, he rakes his hand in his hair, effectively messing it up even more and making your heartbeat rise faster against your wishes. What the fuck, how can such a simple move get you so bothered?

“Fine,” He breathes out, dropping his pen onto the table, taking the drink and ripping open the plastic in which the straw for it was enclosed in. Peter stabs it in, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down at each gulp he took. After a few sips, he gives you a small, grateful smile as butterflies subsequently flew into your stomach. “Thanks, Y/N.”

You grin back, feeling heat creep up into your cheeks. “No prob Pete, anytime.”

As he looks back onto the table to inspect the other snacks that you had brought, consequently ending your eye contact with him, you see MJ looking at you with a huge smirk on her face as her eyebrows wiggled up and down.

You scrunch your nose at her, annoyed and embarrassed at her teasing; though you can still feel your cheeks flaring. You had discovered your feelings for Peter just a few weeks ago, and you had only confessed about it to MJ just last week— but she definitely made sure that she knew of the fact every chance that she got.

“Come on, Y/N!” She had hissed— a few days after you had told her. You had been in front of your locker, desperately trying to ignore her words as you focused on getting the stuff you needed for your next class. “Peter likes you too, I’m a hundred percent sure of it.”

You had closed your locker in a huff, the metal door slamming with a pretty loud bang. You ignored the eyes that had turned towards you in consequence as you stared down MJ, whose arms were crossed as she leaned to the locker adjacent to yours. “First off, how can you be that sure, and two, why do you want me to confess so badly anyways?” You had asked, annoyed. She only meant well, you knew that, but you were tired of her constant and incessant teasing.

“Because one, my observation skills are pretty damn great— I didn’t figure out who the web-slinging neighbourhood hero was for nothing,” She had replied, voice lowering into a whisper as she reminded you of how she found out Peter’s secret.

“And two, because I’m tired of you guys waltzing around one another like some kind of five year olds in kindergarten!” She had replied back, and before you could’ve retaliated, the first warning bell rang; telling you that you only had five minutes left to get to your class.

So you had left it at that, her words ringing in your ear as you stared down the mathematical formula on your notebook.

“Ooh… What are these?” Peter breaks the memory that had suddenly resurfaced in your mind, his hands holding up the slim, red, rectangular box. ‘Pocky?’” He asks as he reads the English words on the packaging.

“Yep,” You say, grabbing the snack from him as you ignore the brush of your hands on his. Keep it cool, Y/N. “You’ve never had some before?”

Peter shakes his head. “No— at least I don’t think so?”

“Well then, you’re in for a treat,” You say with a smile as you open the box nonchalantly, taking out the plastic packaging in which the sticks were in and ripping it open; making sure that you open it non-coated part up so that he wouldn’t get chocolate all over his fingers. “Here.”

“I— um, thanks.” He says as he grabs one of the biscuits and promptly takes a bite of it, eyes widening in delight as the chocolate coated his tongue.

You let out a small giggle, amused at his adorable expression. Holy fuck, my heart can’t take more of this shit.

“Did you guys just say Pocky?” Ned suddenly intervenes, concentration breaking from the TV and onto your outstretched hand. “I didn’t know you had some, Y/N!”

You let out a snort as Ned promptly takes one for himself. “Well, you didn’t ask, so.” You shrug, laughing at the look of betrayal on his face.

He just shakes his head and takes another bite of the chocolate dipped snack. “Ah,” He muses, one hand on his chest while the other holds up the Pocky as if it was a buried treasure that he had just uncovered. “This reminds me of that one time me and Betty did the Pocky challenge… What a pleasant memory.”

“Oh, really?” You laugh at his antics, grinning up at his dork-like stance. Ned never failed to bring up his summer fling with Betty; and you don’t think he’s ever really going to bring that down. Ever since they broke up, citing that they’re better off as friends, he had started acting like he knew the ins and outs of teenage love.

“Uh-huh.” He replies, a wistful smile on his face, effectively making you snicker. “It was nice…”

He suddenly drops the hand on his chest, lips forming into an ‘o’. You raise an eyebrow at his unexpected change of demeanour. “What’s up?” You ask, taking a gulp of your Milkis.

“I have a great idea,” Ned answers. You just raise an eyebrow up in response, urging him to go on as you continue drinking.

He claps his hands together. “Let’s do the Pocky challenge!”

You almost snort out your drink; making you cough excessively.

Peter quickly looks up at you in concern. “You okay?” He asks, hand instinctively going to your back and giving you a couple of soft pats. If it weren’t for the fact that you had almost inhaled a handful of liquid into your lungs, you would’ve spluttered like a teenage girl in love (Which, honestly, you think you would end up being if Peter keeps acting like such a sweet fucking gentleman.) at his action, but instead you just tried your best to breathe; chest heaving at the sudden intrusion.

“Yeah— yeah— no, I’m fine,” You wheeze, letting out an embarrassed chuckle at your little accident. You try your best to ignore the fact that his warm hand’s still laying on your back, still patting it softly. “Just got surprised— that’s all.”

Peter sends you a nod, a smile on his lips as he retracts his hand back to his lap. (You try not to let your disappointment about it show too much— MJ would never live it down.) He looks back at Ned, and asks, “What’s the Pocky challenge, anyways?”

You also look back at Ned, who gives you an eyebrow raise in concern— it isn’t really his fault that your mind had immediately supplied you with the image of you and Peter doing the challenge, promptly almost making you choke in response. Well— technically he did bring it up, so maybe it is kind of his fault… but seriously, who can get angry at Ned?

“Yeah, Ned,” You try to play it cool, clearing your throat. “What is it, anyways?” You add, as if you don’t already know. Come on! Anyone who has had a Tumblr or has watched anime knows what that is.

Ned claps his hands once again. “Okay, so basically,” He starts, taking another Pocky stick out from the pack, showing it off as a diagram. “Two people each bite the end of the Pocky as much as they can, and the one who pulls away first, loses!”

You feel Peter flinch from beside you. “Oh—“ was the only response that he had for Ned’s explanation. You didn’t even try to reply; your imagination seemingly deeming it the best time to go full on creative mode, much to your dismay.

Ned continues, “Well, you know most people just stop after a few bites— but me and Betty…” He trails off, the wistful look from before appearing on his face once more.

You let out a snort, ignoring the way your cheeks feel like they’re on fire. “Okay, okay— we get it, Ned,” You say, shaking your head. “You and Betty did food play, TMI, but— okay.” You joke, trying your best to steer the conversation away from the topic.

Ned breaks his recollection with an offended gasp at your words, whilst you hear MJ cackle from behind you and Peter.

“Y/N!” He says, scandalized. “I can’t believe— we’re children!”

You roll your eyes. “Ned, we’re literally going to college next year,” You reply, popping another Pocky in your mouth. “Plus, Tumblr and Twitter exist, dude. I bet I know way more than you do.” You laugh.

You feel Peter straighten beside you, and you inwardly take a 180. Christ, was that too much?

Sure, you’ve been friends for two years— but now that you think about it, you’ve never really discussed anything about… things in the bedroom before. Sure, you’ve talked about crushes and people that you find attractive, (You always made sure to keep your feelings a secret, though.) but nothing more than that.

You were about to take back what you had said, but before you can even do so Peter clears his throat. “Well— are we—” He says to no one in particular as he shrugs his shoulders.

Raising an eyebrow at him, confused, you ask, “Are we… what, Pete?”

Peter looks at you completely. You force your heart to beat at a normal rhythm. His face is tinted pink as he answers, “Doing— the… challenge?”

Your breath hitches in your throat.

Damn you, thalamus.

Ned answers, much to your disagreement. “I mean yeah, why not? Not like we’ve got anythin’ else interesting to do.” He says as he shrugs his shoulders.

After a beat, his face morphs into a look of disagreement. “But like— don’t do it with me, though. As much as I love you, dude, I don’t think I’d be able to do that.”

“Yeah, no—” Peter scrunches his nose up at the same thought. “Love you too, bro, but same.”

Ned’s face quickly lights up, however, and suddenly you have a gut feeling that you aren’t going to like whatever it is that he’s going to say next.

“You can do it with MJ, though—” Ned doesn’t even finish his sentence as a throw cushion goes hurling at him.

“Yeah, I’mma have to stop you right there, chief—“ MJ says, disgust evident in her voice. “My lips are not going near anyone else’s tonight. Thank you.”

Ned just grips the pillow in his lap and looks over at you. Oh no.

“Well, Y/N, how ‘bout you?” He raises an eyebrow, and you try your best not to show the fact that your heart is leaping out of your chest.

Play it cool, Y/N. Play it cool.

The correct answer is probably “Yeah, thanks but no thanks.” but God, this is probably the first and only time that you’ll ever be able to get this chance.

So you muster up some courage, acting nonchalant.

“I mean...” You clear your throat as you look at MJ, who’s already staring at you with a sly grin on her face. She nods, urging you to say yes.

Fuck it.

“I’m not… opposed to it?” You answer, shrugging.

Peter’s breath hitches— and before you even know it Ned has opened the other box of Pocky as he forces you and Peter to sit properly in front of one another.

“Okay, you guys know the rules,” Ned says all seriously, acting as if he’s a game keeper. You let out a laugh to get your jitters out. “First one to pull away loses!”

“Didn’t think I’d be doing this on this fine Friday evenin’.” You joke, doing a horrible southern accent and trying your best to keep the butterflies in your stomach at bay. Peter— thankfully— laughs back, putting you at ease somewhat. You grab a Pocky, taking the non-coated end and wrapping your lips around it.

“You may begin!”

Peter lets out a breath and goes in.

You can hear MJ cheering you on whilst Ned cheers for Peter.

As you continue biting down on the biscuit, Peter does the same.

Neither of you are slowing down.

Once your mouth reaches the chocolate part, you smirk as an idea pops in your head. You really don’t know how this will end; but one thing’s for sure, you aren’t going to lose.

You look up at Peter and make eye contact; trying to be clever by intimidating him.

Being this close to him allows you to gaze right through his eyes; and your smirk immediately falls from your face as you realize…

His pupils are dilated.

Fuck.

The heat crept higher up your cheeks— but no, you are not backing down.

You quickly break the eye contact as you continue nibbling on the biscuit, choosing instead to focus them on his nose.

Shit.

You had never realized that he had freckles before.

Peter doesn’t stop biting down— and so you don’t either.

You hear MJ whoop louder, as Ned resorts to full on squealing.

By now there’s only a few centimetres between you two, and you can’t help but look at his eyes once more.

You notice the faint indents of lines around them, the slight bags under his eyes, the flutter of his black eyelashes as he stares right back into yours.

The beat of your heart rises, making you break your gaze and dropping them onto his lips.

Pink, pillow-y, soft…

Before you know it, your concentration breaks as Peter suddenly retracts himself— leaving you with the last bit of Pocky in your mouth.

MJ cheers and laughs louder, whilst Ned groans in defeat.

You won.

The living room’s filled with noise as MJ teases Peter relentlessly and congratulates you. Ned promptly disses Peter and gives you a reluctant, but still somehow proud, pat on the back.

You know that you should be happy too— you won, just like what you had told yourself that you’ll do; but the sound of your heart dropping in disappointment by Peter pulling back from you is deafening.

Looks like MJ’s observation was wrong.

After the impromptu ‘celebration’, you four decide to binge watch a new series on Netflix.

Ned then sits himself next to MJ, both of them sprawling out on the sofa whilst Peter sits on the floor.

Usually, you would sit right next to him, you two sharing a throw blanket and almost cuddling beneath it; but this time you choose to sit far from Peter— sitting by yourself on an armchair.

You just don’t think that you can handle being in close proximity with him for the time being.

It’s dumb, you know that. It isn’t his fault that he doesn’t like you— but damn, did it still hurt.

If you’re telling the truth now, before the game had started, you had hoped that it would end in a kiss; but now that you think about it more, you just feel like an idiot for even thinking of that as a possibility.

You feel a pair of eyes on you, but you shake it off and try your best to focus on the show in front of you.

After a few episodes, you hear the front door open and close. Your parents must be back.

MJ must have noticed, too, as she brings her arm up and pauses the show with the remote. She stands up, cracking her back and letting out a sigh. “Well, that must be our cue to go home.”

You tear your eyes away from the screen, looking over at the clock. It struck 10 just a few minutes ago.

Ned stands up too, letting out a yawn. “Yeah, I’m dead.” He groans.

You let out a snort, forcing your body to stand up too. “Fine, fine,” You say, popping your neck. “Go home, you invaders.”

Peter stands up as well, but he doesn’t say anything.

You follow them three towards the front door, passing your mom and dad on the way. They both give you a peck on the cheek as a greeting, giving MJ, Ned and Peter a nod as well. They seem tired, but the huge smiles on their face are enough for you to know for sure that they enjoyed their night out.

You see Ned out first, who gives you the handshake that you both had come up with two days before as a goodbye. MJ scoffs and Peter’s eyes widen, but it’s evident that they’re both impressed.

“Bye, Ned!.” You chuckle, ending the routine with a fist-bump.

MJ’s next and she gives you a hug; her perfume wafting in your nose and instantly calming you down. Her arms seem to last longer around you than usual, but you don’t say anything about it.

“Goodbye, my lil’ nugget.” She says, and you laugh upon hearing the nickname, your head resting on her chest.

They both left first as they took the same path home. You’re then left alone with Peter as usual, who still hasn’t said anything since you got up with them three to say goodbye.

It’s always been like this, Peter being the last one to leave; but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. The awkwardness and tension residing in the air due to the game that you both had played.

So there, in front of him, you had stood; hands playing with one another, eyes cast down on the floor, as your heart felt hollow in your chest.

You sigh.

Best to get it over with.

As you open up your mouth to say goodbye, Peter beats you to it.

“Y/N I—“ He starts, and your eyes immediately rise up to make contact against his.

Your breath gets caught in your throat.

With the glow of the moon and street lamp, he looks… wonderful: his brown eyes glowing with the faint light, the freckles on his cheek now visible to your eyes upon your discovery of them a while ago, his brown hair tousled and messy…

You muster up some courage, and you open your mouth once more—

Except you’re cut off with a kiss.

When Peter pulls away, you’re greeted with the sight of him flushed; cheeks, ears and lips tinted red.

You don’t say anything for a while, still needing to process the unexpected yet welcomed surprise in your mind… and also the delightful sight in front of you.

However, Peter’s face quickly morphs into a look of distress, promptly breaking your silence. “Shit! I’m sorry Y/N! I didn’t—“ He fumbles with his words. “I didn’t ask—“

You shut him up with another kiss, your arms wrapping around his neck and pushing him closer to you.

Peter melts like chocolate in your arms.

He tastes like it, too.

When you pull away, you smile at him; your eyes crinkling and your heart hammering in your chest.

“We should’ve done that earlier.”

thanks for reading! as always, requests are open! & pls don’t forget to like and reblog, thank you! c: 

[curewhimsy]

Perrsonality descriptions for my Squishmallow collection that I have so far.

(It’s not a lot of content yet though.)

———

Squishmallow bios

Danny lion- A lion who is very timid. However, he has moments of bravery that surprise everyone, even himself. Danny loves to eat meatloaf. He is very sentimental and is a bit of a crybaby, often writing poetry and is moved by works of beauty. Danny dreams of being on a rescue team who saves people from the dangers in Whimsica, however he feels he is too cowardly. But the one time he saved Acorn from a fire, everyone encouraged him. Birthday is March 28.

Simon red panda- Simon is a cheerful red panda who likes to play 4-footed soccer, a special kind of soccer animals play. He lives in a treehouse in Speckle town. Simon used to be very closed-off and lonely after his mother died. But through making friends and being part of the team, he regained a love of life. Simon treasures the simple things in life such as friendship, eating ice cream, having good dreams, and scoring a goal. He is also known for giving good advice to his friends. He can be clumsy but he doesn’t let it stop him. Birthday is April 22.

Song the panda- Song is a shy panda, but she loves to compose music. Song likes to eat plum dumplings and drink tea. Her favorite pastime is taking baths and singing in the tub. Song is shy, but the music she composes is mainly party music. She was once a DJ at a club for animals and was a hit. Birthday is May 3.

Chilly penguin- Chilly may be a penguin from the Antarctic, but their special ability is that they can breathe fire! Surprise! Their full name is actually Chilly Pepper. Sometimes Chilly feels like an outcast or a misfit for their power. They love cold weather, and their favorite food is sashimi, which is uncooked fish. But their power luckily comes in handy for defeating the abominable snow golems that spawn near their family’s home! Chilly is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. Birthday is July 2.

Benny raccoon- Benny may live in a dumpster behind an Italian restaurant, but it’s the cleanest dumpster you will ever see. Everything is organized and sanitized. It’s so neat, that it can be described as classy! Benny is a connoisseur of delicacies and his favorite food is Parmesan cheese. Many people think he would be stuck-up, but Benny is actually goofy and friendly. He is a big eater and is often found snacking away on Parmesan mac and cheese while watching a soap opera or reading a mystery novel. Benny loves dramatic stories as well. Birthday is June 4.

Star pastel unicorn- Star lives in a city up in the clouds. She likes to eat colorful star-shaped breakfast cereal that is mostly marshmallows and gummies. She is friends with Moemi Kise.

Ringo magenta unicorn- Ringo lives in an enchanted forest with the tastiest apples in all of Whimsica. The apples come in all sorts of beautiful and rare colors. Ringo is friends with Haruko Asada.

Acorn squirrel- A somewhat grouchy squirrel who doesn’t like to be chipper like other squirrels. Acorn lives in a hole in a big shady oak tree in the Violet Ivy University Campus and goes to the library a lot. Their favorite kinds of books are science fiction space odysseys and cookbooks. They aren’t a student at the university, but can be found around the campus. Acorn likes to cook all sorts of forest recipes and often has a nice aroma coming from their home. Acorn isn’t very social, and is uncomfortable socializing with those they don’t know well. But they are interesting and knowledgeable once you get to know them. Acorn is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. Birthday is February 5.

Delia fawn- Delia is a bit of a wild child, unlike the other gentle deer. She loves to explore and rough-play with animals a lot bigger than her. Delia is always getting into trouble, thinking of wild schemes and ideas, and then going through with them. Delia’s dream is to be a runner in the animal olympics. Birthday is February 24

Elmer dinosaur- Birthday is December 8

Sherry pink owl- Birthday is January 9

Rainy teal owl- Rainy is Cozy’s little sister. Birthday is April 5

Ferris pegasus- Ferris’ old home was in the stratosphere, but he moved down to the atmosphere because there weren’t a lot of friends in the stratosphere and he got lonely. He can eat clouds. Ferris is friends with Setsuna Usui. His birthday is January 30

Clyde dragon- Clyde is a cool guy who likes memes and video games. However, he is very shy. Loves pizza and Mountain Dew soda. Rumor has it that he is neon green because he drinks so much Mountain Dew. Clyde also loves gardening and has his own garden with many rare plants. Clyde lives in a small caldera, which is a crater left after a volcano eruption. There are a lot of green plants blooming in his home, and there is a pond in the center. Clyde is friends with Rie Kubota. Birthday is March 20

Kit cat- A cuddly and cozy cat. Kit loves to relax and is very friendly. She always has dreams about herself going on different wacky adventures. Since Kit is disabled and has mobility issues, being able to dream is important to her. Kit has a special power where if someone else is sleeping at the same time as her, she can appear inside of their dream, and share the dreams she has with all her friends. At night, Kit and her friends go on magical adventures inside of their dreams. Kit’s owner is Margot, and she is also friends with Rainy the owl. Her birthday is November 1

Boris koala- Boris is a deaf koala who uses sign language to communicate. He loves to paint pictures. His birthday is October 2

Slumber owl- A genius yet scatterbrained owl. Slumber may quote famous geniuses a lot, but sometimes at the wrong time. Slumber invents very elaborate knick-knacks, but most of them have an obscure reason to use that rarely occurs. His birthday is October 19.

Cozy owl- Slumber’s pal. A bit of a couch potato. However, he can play guitar. His birthday is September 27. 

Lullaby owl- Lullaby runs a daycare service. She sings soothing lullabies, but she is also a death metal singer as well. Birthday is November 6.

Sugarplum cat- Birthday December 22

Raine alpaca

Pancake shiba dog

Swirl strawberry

Lolly Pop cat

Shortcake cat

Donut teal dog

Topaz dinosaur

Soda Pop bunny- Soda Pop is a docile bunny, but they are able to roar!

Macaroni dog- Macaroni is a big yet playful dog who likes to eat cheese and have adventures. He has boundless curiosity and likes to explore new places such as forests and caves.

Periwinkle squid

Goo jellyfish

Gouda octopus

Comfy donkey- Birthday is August 9.

Art cat- Birthday is May 30.

Prism cat- Birthday is May 30.

Ice Pop bunny- Birthday is January 12

Jubilee bunny- Birthday November 19

Ellie elephant

Corn Dog pug

Nacho fox

Bailey lamb

Wanda butterfly

Mango flamingo- Birthday is September 1

Gumdrop cat

Doodle turtle

Peach flamingo

Smiley clownfish

Seamore dolphin

Finn shark

Ketchup octopus- Birthday is May 18

Mochi seal- A fashionable and outgoing seal

Lime turtle- Lime is a bit of a pest, but he means well.

Walnut walrus- A gentle and sensitive walrus

Flapjack dog- Birthday July 20

Crepe Suzette cheetah-

Estella fox-

[snow-slayer]

A Bunch of Good Things from 2019

*I don’t do things consistently, so there’s chunks of time I just forgot to write. So the blank spaces are days where I could not recall the exact good things that happened.*

January 1: Started the year off right by hanging out with @nah-young, eating some delicious leftovers from New Year’s Eve and working on a puzzle. Also caught a shiny Delibird in Pokemon Go as the first catch of the year.  2: Had a headache at work, but went home to take care of myself. Dad and I talked for a long time about money and taxes without arguing. I have also discovered a future hobby I want to get into: 3D printing. 3: I cranked out four solid hours of studying. I’m going to ace the Auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel it in my bones (especially when I finally stood up and stretched). 4: My ‘other mom’ (one of my best friend’s mom) took me out for a belated Birthday lunch to our favorite Thai food place, and I enjoyed more mango sticky rice. It’s one of my new favorite desserts. 5: Did some epic New Year cleaning. Caught up on laundry, filed away my 2018 paperwork, and did some 2019 taxes. Finally on top of things! 6: A puzzle day! I connected a big piece of the sky to the side on the Lion King puzzle. I’ve still got a lot to go, but progress is being made. 7: As usual, I both surprised and pleased the teller at the bank when I moved some money from savings into my IRA. They wanted to know if it was for tax year 2018, but I could tell them last year was maxed out and it was for 2019. 8: Got to practice my training and supervising skills with @arrowhearts.  9: Spent the night at Lucy’s (she’s a cat). She’s the sweetest cat though, and was cuddling in my lap for so long! She even held my finger with her paw for like ten minutes. I love her. 10: It’s been forever, but I finally sat down and played some video games. I’m replaying Arkham Asylum again and really just exploring every nook and cranny I can find. 11: Might have started a new Francis story line ... Whoops :) 12: Helped Jane clear an apartment and acquired many new tools and art supplies to use. 13: Snow! It was snowing before bed, but I still woke up at 5 am to about 4 - 5 inches. Activated my dad gene and started shoveling at 5:30 am (sorry neighbors to the house I was dog sitting at). It’s so pretty out! 14: A quiet day, but I did some work for Jane and gamed some more. Can’t wait to start Arkham City when I get 100% on Arkham Asylum! 15: I took my coworker a basket of fun snacks from Lotte for her Birthday. She’s so excited to try them all! 16: Donated blood today and when I went to get dinner on the way home, I got a free salad! The entree was already free and I ordered a side salad. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but the coupon covered it, too!  17: Treated myself to breakfast on the way into preschool (my new volunteer place since the teacher I followed to several elementary schools is now at). Also ate some amazing home cooked food for lunch with @nah-young before going out for ice cream. 18: Did some very early spring cleaning to prep for my next yard sale and straighten up a bit. 19: Beat the storyline and finished gathering all of Riddler’s trophies in Arkham Asylum. I do still need to finish up the additional content for 100% completion. 20: Working with Jane to help clean out an apartment again and got stencils to use for my art (the ones with shapes of different sizes). I had wanted to get me a set, so I really lucked out. 21: Started reading a book for fun. Lol, I forgot that I can still read non-accounting things for fun. 22: Sent out 1099s at work. It’s always a dreaded part of the year, but it’s taken care of! 23: I started uploading my old Franmouche stories to AO3. I forgot that I’d written 185 pages of them. At least if someone else likes my rarepair, they have lots to read. No guarantees on the quality, but there is quantity. 24: Made fun penguin cutouts for the preschool class I volunteer at. Then studied for nine hours on campus. A busy, yet productive day. 25:  Finished watching all my lectures for the next portion of the CPA exam! So much auditing knowledge!!! 26: Panic alleviated. My check engine light had been on for a few days. Usually it’s just a gas cap issue so I was worried, but after readjusting the cap again (which usually fixes it) and an oil change, the light went out! 27: Played some Pokemon Go for four hours with @arrowhearts and Lyla. No Kyogre, but at least we each got a Groudon. Plus, the weather was beautiful for this time of year. 28: I found a dollar today while sweeping the parking lots with my dad! I’m gonna be riding this wave for a week. (Fun fact: my dad and I used to go bike riding on Sunday afternoons/evenings in the local parking garages and look for pennies. We’d always get bragging rights when we found a quarter or more. We still get excited and tell each other of the day’s finds when we find a few coins while we’re sweeping). 29: Had a bit of a headache, but managed to get through it so I could finish the workday. Then I get some well deserved rest. 30: Met up with @nah-young for some fries and ice cream! 31: My annual physical went well! Took care of a couple test we’ve been putting off, too, and they weren’t quite as bad as I thought they’d be.

February

1: I had such a productive day in the office, even for a Friday. Special thanks to @arrowhearts for helping me move all (24  years worth) of our files. 2: Started off the day a little rough and feeling low, but I decided to go up to campus, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to help a bunch of people get to their destination. Also hung out with @nah-young and @arrowhearts in a sketchy room. 3: Technically today (starting at 1 am). Had a great talk with @nah-young about a lot of things including our friendship. Successfully avoided the Super Bowl (which I heard sucked, so that was a good use of my time). 4: Had a really good conversation with my dad for almost an hour. We had some fights earlier in the year, but it was nice to be able to connect some. 5: It’ll be silly to look back on, but I thought I lost a reference letter for a scholarship applicant, but realized I could find it on our shared drive. Such a relief! 6: I tried Duck Donuts for the first time today. One of our board members brought me and a coworker a half dozen each. 7: Caught a Miltank in Pokemon Go! I thought I missed my chance, but there was a special running, so I got it. 8: Just heard we got a new boss at work, so it’ll be nice to be full staffed again. 9: Started working on a painting for @arrowhearts. It might be my first completed artwork of the year. 10: A lazy day, but I flipped through a book on home decorating. You know, to plan for my future house. 11: Officially started working for Jane’s business. We’ll see how it goes, but at least it’s an extra couple of hours per week. 12: Finished a dog sitting job, and I’m super thankful to be sleeping in my own bed again. 13: I gave Lucy, the sweetest cat ever, a piggyback ride and it was the cutest thing ever. I was on my knees and forearms trying to get Lucy to boop my nose when she just climbed on my back and sat down. I rose up on my knees and hands and she did the “i’m not so sure but I’m going to stay here” stand and let me crawl across the floor a while before finally jumping off. I love this cat. 14: Took the auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel much better about this one than I have about the other two. We’ll see on the 26th. 15: Such a busy day at the office! It was productive, but just a lot of work. 16: Even though I just too the other exam, I managed to get a lot of studying done. 17: Mamaw and I got to chat and work on the puzzle for a while. It was nice to hang out with her since I haven’t done son in quite a while. 18: We had some really good food at our investment club meeting today. Sheppard’s pie (like meat and mashed potatoes), salad, this great cracker dip (I have no other details other than feels like sharp cheddar finally shredded with a hint of spice in some sort of sauce). 19: Our new executive director started today. I think I made a pretty good first impression! 20: Started playing Arkham City again. We had a snow day and even my office closed, so I made the most of my day. 21: Lol and today I finished the main storyline of Arkham City. Accidentally, because I was doing side quests, but Batman got mad when I tried to go finish some before the last mission. 24: I am obsessed with Excel, but I figured out a formula so that it would total certain categories even if they weren’t in order. Plus I learned how to make a drop down menu (on two versions of Excel). Guess who’s budget looks beautiful! 25: I caught a Latias in Pokemon Go. Not having much luck with the water legendaries. I wonder if they don’t like me because we picked the grass starter. 26: I passed the Auditing section! (and instead of keeping it quiet, I made a point to tell some people). Then @nah-young and I went to dinner to celebrate our successes of the day and just have a nice chat. 27: Good news: I starved off a migraine that was starting on Feb 26. Maybe this new method will help them from getting bad. Just took an Aleve with some hot tea. 28: Went on a Pokemon run, and I found $20 blowing across the yard when I got home! A nice find for the year.

March 1: I’ve been really getting into “Ghost Story” by Peter Straub and had so much time to just sit and read while it rained. 2: I watched “Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse” today. An epic movie and I highly recommend it! I also have several new costume ideas... 3: Officially started working on my Library Comic Con cosplay. There’s not much to show, but it was nice to start costuming again. 4: Hiked up to the nearby bubble tea. It was good! I got a mango green tea creama. Next time I know I have to mix it up before I start drinking it. 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: Started replaying Castlevania IV. It’s been a while since I beat it, so hopefully I can still finish it! 11: I have proven myself an Excel deity. Well, at least Jane thinks though. She needed a spreadsheet for something and had some ideas so I whipped it out in five minutes flat with a bunch of formulas she didn’t even know were possible. I’m quite proud of it. 12: Lol, speaking of excel, I was geeking out over my budget with one of our board members. She was showing me how she built her itinerary in excel for her next trip and I got to show off my budget. 13: 14: 15: It was fake St. Patrick’s day at work, so I got to show off my green Riddler suit. Apart from being mistaken as dressing like a leprechaun a few times, I received a bunch of compliments on it. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of that suit jacket. 16: Tagged along with @nah-young to her grandfather’s birthday party and watched Bohemian Rhapsody. Apart from the timeline inaccuracies, I really enjoyed it! Look at that: two new movies in one month. 17: First big leaf job of the season. I guess the first major landscaping job. Dad helped out, so it made life easier. 18: Investment club meeting went well, and I ended up staying late to chat and help clean up, but it was enjoyable. Also had some great tiramisu from Trader Joe’s. 19: 20: 21: It was a downpour today, but I also made a 20 minute Costco run. Parking was great, the lines were short, and I managed to balance everything without a cart. Success! 22: Finally got around to doing invoices. It’s such a weight off my chest to take care of them. 23: I had the house to myself, so got ample studying done, played some pokemon, and treated myself to some bubble tea. Got myself a bunch of good pokes from Community day. 24: Another lovely day to sit and hang out with @nah-young. I always enjoy our hour long conversations just sitting in my car in her driveway. I also finished the lectures for the BEC portion of the CPA exam. 25: I found a gift card loaded with $30 today. It had been thrown into the dumpster, so a little gross, but it washed off nicely. 26: Ran up to the local library to turn in my books (look @arrowhearts, I did it the day before they were due and didn’t have to make a midnight run). I wasn’t going to check out more books since I already had some checked out from another library visit (I go to many branches due to my job and often check out a book or two, resulting in cycles of books due at different times), but I did anyway. I started reading Area X, too, and so far, I’m really enjoying it. 27: Our family’s accountants think I’m a bit weird because I was so excited to get my tax papers back even though I owed money. I was just like “cool!” to all the facts and things on my sheets, which is apparently not what they’re used to, but one of the new tax laws works in my favor as small business income is taxed at a lower rate or something. 28:  29: 30: I love Annihilation in the Area X series! I haven’t plowed through a book that fast in years. 31: I was catching up on my business spreadsheets and it turns out I had the most profitable March since I started my business :)

April 1: No April Fools jokes, which is always a huge plus. 2: 3: 4: Took the BEC section of the exam and then clocked in a bunch of hours for the Foundation. Jubilee is almost here!!! 5: 6: The Jubilee is over!!! What a relief! A lot of things went well, and I heard it was a lot of people’s favorite. Not sure what actually happened because I was stationed at check in/out all night, but hopefully the silent auction results are good. Huge shout out to @arrowhearts and @nah-young for getting me through the night! 7:A quiet morning of returning the Jubilee to the Foundation. Plus some other landscaping. 8: I know everyone at work is saying I should take time off, and I didn’t, but I’m actually feeling blessed that I have the physical and mental stamina to keep working on things. Plus, I need to catch up with post Jubilee stuff. 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19:  Got to talking with my art dealer for a long while and we exchanged headcannons and ideas. 20: Had a nice Pokemon run with @arrowhearts‘ dog. Plus, enough work to keep me out of trouble X) 21: A very busy Easter. I moved a huge mound of mulch. It was half the size of my car. Hopefully the home owner will like it. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31: I’ve been feeling behind, but I finally knocked out a really important thing at work today. Got our annual applications in!

May 1: 2: 3: My gauntlets for my comic con costume look so cool! They’re a little stabby (there’s staples on the inside, although I should be able to tape it down for safety), but overall look cool for a first draft. 4: A long day, but I feel like I was really able to help my friend and her family, which is nice considering how much they do for me. 5: The event that happened wasn’t good, but I’ve been humbled as to how well our house was kept and motivated to try and become more organized. 6:  Dad and I were chatting today, and we could even touch on topics in a civil manner. It was quite nice!  7: Just found out I passed the BEC section of the CPA exam! I’m 75% CPA!!! And no cavities were found after my dentist appointment :) 8: Frantically working on my costume, but my head piece looks really good! 9: Mom even chipped in to help. We rigged up a steampunk mask I have (which doesn’t fit on my head right) so that I can actually wear it. 10: I’ve been fasting for Ramadan and I think my body and I are finally on the same page. It was a rough start this year, but I’m looking forward to focusing on being thankful for what I have and working on self discipline. 11: Library Comic Con! My costume is a bit rough, so no final pictures, but I have plans to make it better! 12: It was a busy Sunday. Lots of lawns, but thankfully the weather was cool. 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: Had a nice meeting with my boss. I keep feeling like I’m not on top of things or she’s disappointed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Plus, she said I did great at the finance committee meeting, so that was nice. 18: Although I scared everyone I worked with all day, I was able to donate blood even though I had been fasting.  19: I saw the tiniest inch worm while I was pulling weeds today. It was more like a quarter inch worm and it was just trying so hard to climb up my arm when I found it. I also saw the first lightening bugs of the year. As a bug type Pokemon trainer, I’m quite pleased with all of this (less so with the mosquitoes though, as I got my first bite of the season). 20: I have found a nice way to keep cool at the property Dad and I work at. I’m allowed to douse my head, neck, and hat with the hose, and man does it feel good! 21: I received many compliments at the executive committee meeting for all my hard work on the budget, the Jubilee, and finance committee. 22: Caught up on reconciliations at work (finally). It’s been just a nightmare, but I’m happy they’re done. 23: Another me day. I’ve been taking Thursdays off and got to game for a bit but also accomplish a lot of laundry and studying. 24: Had a good meeting at work to discuss the future of the nonprofit I work at. Plus I finally made a phone call I didn’t want to make. 25: Went to a foam helmet making class with a coworker. I’m super excited to start trying out this style, and I think the sample we made in class can easily be used to make a helmet for Vile. Might have purchased a few things to go with it :) 26: Found a new drink that I love from Kung Fu Tea! Also got to rewatch Coco, which is always good. 27: Part of my afternoon spent working with Jane was changing her screen saver. It was set up for one photo of pictures, but some were so fuzzy, so we set up new pictures and I got to add my fuzzball to the reel. 28: I visited one of Jane’s friends to discuss dog sitting and we had such a nice conversation afterwards. 29: I found a four leave clover today while mowing lawns. It’s been years since I’ve found one, so that was exciting. 30: I plowed through about 6 hours of studying for the FAR portion of the CPA exam. Only two more lectures and then onto multiple choice! 31: Filled out a form at work (finally). Now I just have to hope my boss will sign it and have it notarized.

June 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: Took the (hopefully) last CPA exam. It was nice as I spoke to an elevator engineer before the exam and it helped to calm my nerves a bit.   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: Wasn’t sure what day to put this on, but @nah-young and I hung out for hours just sitting and chatting on the cats’ back porch. 15: Successfully navigated into DC with the help of @arrowhearts (and had an interesting laugh about her being my son...? Oh well, at least we got to give the people sitting outside a show as we left the building with two rollie office chairs each). 16: Started working on my Halloween costume. I’ve abandoned the idea I originally had and will be switching to a different Mega Man X character (fun fact: it was a costume I originally intended to make before being introduced to Scaramouche back in 2017) 17: It was a scorcher, but had a slurpee for the first time in almost a year. I’m so thankful for the 7-11 within walking distance of where my dad and I work on Mondays. 18: I’ve officially passed the CPA exam! Now onto the next steps... 19: I have been struggling with telling people good news, but I did make an effort to inform some people about me passing the exam. 20: Told some more people about the CPA exam and just trying not to stress. I got celebratory milkshakes for my family after dinner. 21: My coworkers are so sweet. They brought me in a cake and we had a mini celebration. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26:Found a praying mantis while mowing. She kept standing where I wanted to mow, so I got to pick her up and put her somewhere safe (with lots of snacks for her!) 27: 28: 29: So glad I went to see Detective Pikachu with @nah-young and @arrowhearts! I really enjoyed it! 30: 31:

July 1: A new fiscal year! I did manage to get a good bit done on my latch hook. 2: A sudden thunderstorm took me off the weed pulling job early (i.e. a perfect opportunity to read). 3: It was quiet in the office. Too quiet ... yet super productive! I processed so many gifts and letters. 4: I don’t really celebrate, and spent a lot of it working, but played some pokemon in the rain. It was a warm day, so the cool rain felt so refreshing! 5: A jammed packed day with trashrooms, a bank run, and more pokemon quests! I completed another 15 and hatched a new pokemon. Plus I finished another book: Dr. Death. 6: A busy day, but I was able to finish everything so I can take the next day off completely (for once). Again, apologies to @arrowhearts  for dragging you out and getting caught in a downpour so I could get some bubble tea! 7: 8: 9: 10: Unboxed my unicycle! Not sure when I’ll ride, but it’s ready when I am. 11: 12: 13: 14: The vanity is back in my bathroom! Dad’s renovating it, and it’s been a slow process, but I finally have a sink! 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: Spent a few hours working on cleaning the basement, and I’m finally seeing some of the fruits of my labor. 21: 22: 23: 24: Officially finished the Vile helmet! 25: Just started a new dog sitting job, and the house is right on top of a pokestop. Guess I’m going to have a full item bag again! 26: Finally got myself a memory stick for my PSP. I’m replaying the Maverick Hunter X game ... because I can! 27: Got three team rocket grunts in one day at the one stop. 28: Plowed through the Vile portion of Maverick Hunter X. Lol, I probably make it harder on myself since I only use my favorites, regardless of if they’re good against the boss. 29: Had a huge crab and shrimp dinner at Jane’s house. 30: Hung out and ate delicious homemade butter chicken with my best friend’s mom (she’s basically like my other mother). We laughed and chatted, showed off our latest projects, probably kept the neighbors up, and just had a good time until like 2 in the morning.  31: Welp, it wasn’t a raid day for armored Mewtwo, but @arrowhearts and I did defeat more Team Rocket Go grunts in the rain.

August 1: Chatted with @nah-young for a few hours and I’ve got a new place to eat on my radar! 2: I kept feeling like I was letting my boss down because I couldn’t answer her questions/didn’t understand, but she insisted I was handling myself well, and found the information she needed later. Plus, she’s very complimentary of my work and appreciates my transparency and work ethic, both of which I work hard on and value. 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

September 1: 2: 3: It’s official! We’re having a Halloween party at work. If my new schedule turns out, I’ll be at work on that day and will show off a costume. Not sure if it will be the one I’m working on, but I can always recycle an old one. 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: I had such a good ripstik run. @nah-young and I practiced for a good while yesterday (and she did her first trick, too!). I guess it’s nice to see the fruits of our practice since we’ve been working off and on for about a month. 16: Had the investment club meeting at my house. I didn’t get to cook everything, but I picked the recipe and it turned out well! 17: I finished “Every Tool’s a Hammer” by Adam Savage (from Mythbusters) and I really recommend it. It’s such a great book for anyone who makes or creates. It’s a fun read and chocked full of helpful hints. 18: I decided to start reading the Naruto series. I’m enjoying it so far! Now I just have to wait for the next to volumes to be available from the library. 19: I started replaying Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase. It’s amusing, although I’m a little rough. 20: 21: 22: 23: I’d been on the fence about taking a vacation early next year because I want to save up for a down payment, but after talking to my dad, I decided I’d do a little something. I still need to work out the plans (and make sure the people I want to visit are free), but I’m looking forward to it! 24: 25: 26: There’s a chance I might be going full time at my office job, so dad encouraged me to take the day off from trash rooms. I still got up early, but knocked out a bunch of chores, finished Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase, finished a drawing, and cleaned in the basement a bit. 27: Lol, I just realized I have three cycles of books checked out again. I started reading The Wicked Years series. I’m trying to set aside time each night so I can read a chapter or two before bed. 28: I made the pattern for my gauntlets! I’m actually trying to do it the right way and making measurements, creating an accurate template, and just generally taking my time. 29: Part 2 of the gauntlets: They’re made! My template worked and I spent a couple of hours slowly forming and shaping them. I still need some practice on the gluing component, but at least they feel sturdy. 30: Started replaying DK 64 again. I really love this game. Besides Gauntlet Legends, it’s probably my favorite N64 game we own. 31: Got rained out at work, but managed to take it easy in the afternoon and just generally keep ahead with laundry.

October 1: Today officially marks the first day of working full time at my office job. They added ten hours a week, so now I’m working 4 days at 10 hours each. It’ll take a little adjusting. I’m happy for the extra hours! 2: I sent out invoices on time for once! 3: It was my fuzzball’s 16th Birthday today! Someone also brought in some really yummy snacks to work that were leftover from a meeting. I also managed to create templates for the leg gauntlets and cut them out of  foam. I’m just rolling with the motivation now, and would like to have Vile finished by Halloween (keep reading to find out if it was finished). 4: Really just having a good time playing DK 64. Knocked out Gloomy Galleon, so all that’s left are my favorite levels! 5: 6:   7: I have leg gauntlets formed. Lol, I guess I should look up the name... All that’s left is the chest plate and cape! 8: I lucked out! My coworker can’t go to a book signing even this weekend and asked me to get her book signed since I’m going. It was the perfect opportunity to get my hands on a copy of “Where the Crawdads Sing” which I wanted to read before this weekend. 9: Making some headway on the costume again! Arm and leg gauntlets have the plating and base coat of plastidip. 10: I finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” within 48 hours of having it my possession. That’s such a huge accomplishment to read something so quickly and eagerly! 11: I was plowing through my to do list at work. I knocked out 11 items. Woo! 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: My Halloween costume is finished *gasp* before Halloween! Barely, but it counts. 31: I won the most creative costume at work! Well, tied for first, but that’s cool.

November (whoops, I really forgot to write this month) 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

December 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: My coworker is back! She had been on extended leave for a while, but now she’s back. She bring such a positive and fun attitude to the workplace. 13: 14: I’m officially 25! I worked a few hours in the rain, but got a lot done (and saw Lucy, my favorite cat I cat sit). Instead of going to a steakhouse for dinner, which I’m not a fan of, we ended up going to somewhere I did enjoy. Overall, it was a nice and quiet celebration. 15: 16: 17: I finished the Naruto series today! It was a good series, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Going to take a manga break to work on a few novels I have checked out and then  decide which series to start. 18:  19: A busy day again. Knocked out two leaf clients for the year and went to see three bands perform at a local music club. I stayed out way too late, but had a great time hanging with a friend, one of the performers, and the performer’s friend. 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: Hung out with my brother and grandmother. I crushed them in several games! 25: Went to my coworkers in the afternoon and dueled for the first time in quiet a while. They wiped the floor with me, but I had fun with my deck destruction deck. 26: 27: Ended up hanging out with Jane for a while and just chatting about everything. We’re seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, so it was nice.  28: Finished my leaf jobs for the year! Time to relax. 29: 30: 31: Welp, ended up being sick and missing out on the intended New Year plans. I guess I did start the year with a migraine, so here I am ending it with one. After I rested up, I did start playing my favorite video game. Plus, I frantically read “Hey, Kiddo!” before the end of the year

Notable stuff

Highlights: Passed the CPA exam Officially hired full time

Books read: “Ghost Stories” “Every Tool’s a Hammer” “Where the Crawdads Sing” “Wicked” Naruto series “Hey, Kiddo!”

Movies watched: Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse Mary Poppins 2 The Princess and the Frog Pokemon Lucario

[owlways-and-forever]

Summary: The Marauders are getting older, and that means so many things. Mischief, heartbreak, and trying to figure out who they really are. They’ll face problems within their group, prove their loyalty to each other, and discover the ugliness that is brewing in the wizarding world at large. Welcome to Years 2-4 of the Marauders time at Hogwarts. **This piece is a sequel to Behind the Mango Tree, however, you do not have to have read the first installment to pick this up. It does stand alone, but there is some carry over from the last book, especially with inter-character relationships. Basically, you don’t have to have read BtMT, but it certainly helps. Word Count: (4,052) 26,414 Links: FFnet | ao3 | tumblr: Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8

A/N: Well, well, well, what do we have here? A new chapters, FINALLY! What can I say guys, this one was like pulling teeth. Admittedly, there's been a lot going on the past few months - work changes and personal life stuff, and for the most part all of it good, just a bit time consuming. But it's also just been hard to find the inspiration for this story lately. Don't get me wrong, I still love it with all of my heart, and I will absolutely still be writing it. Just hit a bit of a lull between some of my favourite chapters. Anyway, as you can all tell, I suck at sticking to a schedule, so I won't make any kind of promises about when the next chapter will be up. All I can say is that hopefully it will be much sooner than this one took. Anyway, thanks for reading, and as always, feedback is more than welcome!

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Ch 9: What Friends are For

As final exams drew closer, the boys began to feel mounting pressure. Every day they made their way to the library as soon as classes were over, taking dinner at one of the few tables that Madam Pince allowed food. They worked frantically for as long as they could keep their eyes open, then returned to the Gryffindor common room for a few hours of sleep before waking up and starting all over again.

They were all exhausted, but none of them more so than Remus. The full moon fell a week before exams, leaving him tired, weak, and ill as they prepared their last homework assignments of the year. They all knew that somehow, this transformation would be worse than any before, and they vowed to do anything they could to help Remus.

Peter woke in the morning, dark circles under his eyes after a restless night, and he found that Remus was not in his bed. After transformations, Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall typically returned Remus to the dormitory shortly after sunrise, sneaking him in before the other students awoke. But despite the bright sunbeams streaming through the windows and lighting up the room, there was no Remus. Peter’s heart pounded. What had happened? Had something gone wrong? They had all tried to wait up as long as possible, listening to the distant sounds of howling and wondering if it was their best friend. But sooner or later, exhaustion had claimed them all, and they had collapsed wearily upon their pillows.

“Sirius! James!” Peter hissed, throwing his comforter off and reaching for his friends.

They stirred groggily, rubbing at their eyes. Sirius pulled his pillow over his head, thoroughly in denial of the morning’s arrival.

“Get up!” Peter urged, pulling the pillow away from Sirius’ face and smacking him hard with it. “Remus isn’t here!”

At his words, James and Sirius both sat bolt upright, panic written clearly across their faces.

“Wha?” Sirius mumbled, still half asleep.

“He didn’t come back this morning, I don’t know where he is,” Peter repeated, his voice coming out desperate and scared.

They all vaulted out of bed, pulling on their robes in a silent panic. They sped from the dormitory, not even remotely caring if they woke Lance or Firmin in their haste to leave. They would go to the Hospital Wing first, and if he wasn’t there, they’d see Professor McGonagall. The three boys raced through the halls, their footsteps echoing loudly in the empty corridor.

Sirius rounded the corner first, his hand grabbing the wall to stop himself from flying past the door. Peter and James skidded to a halt behind him, all three coming dangerously close to slamming face first into the oak doors. Peter stepped forward and began pounding on the door, and after briefly exchanging glances, Sirius and James followed suit.

“What on earth –“

The door swung open to reveal a very tired and exasperated Madam Pomfrey. She was wearing her uniform, but her hair was still tied in the plait she’d done for the night, short strands and flyaways escaping from it and sticking out in every direction.

“You three,” she sighed heavily. “What have you done now?”

“Is Remus here?” Peter burst out, hardly letting her finish her question.

“Professor McGonagall brought him in about an hour ago,” Madam Pomfrey answered hesitantly. “He has a great many injuries after last night, some of which are proving rather difficult to heal.”

She stepped aside and allowed them in, shutting the door behind them before walking toward the only occupied bed in the ward.

“Why are they difficult?” James asked, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to understand.

“Werewolves are magical,” Peter whispered.

“What does that mean?” Sirius asked, both him and James spinning to look at Peter with incredulity.

“Magic can’t always heal magic,” he answered, no less cryptically.

“That is the essence,” Madam Pomfrey agreed. “Healing often works under the principle that natural illnesses and injuries can be healed, but unnatural ones cannot. That is to say, getting sick or breaking a bone in a fall are easy things to treat. But things that are inflicted by spells or curses or magical beings often prove more difficult. There are more mild examples where spells replicate the effects of a natural injury – using a spell to break a bone is really the same as a fall. It requires slightly stronger magic to heal, but it can be done. Then there are spells that have unnatural consequences – curses, jinxes, hexes. In moderate cases, a counter-spell may exist which would allow us to remove the effects. But a more severe spell that damages the body or the mind... that is often not something that can be undone. Individuals tortured with the Cruciatus curse may find that they have long lasting aches and pains that no treatment will alleviate. Magical creatures often fall into this last category. Their wounds are often very resistant to magic and can be quite difficult to heal, and the more serious the injury, the greater the challenge. Remus has been lucky until now – his wounds have all been relatively superficial. Small cuts and scrapes, the occasional broken bone. Mild enough injuries to heal on their own or with minimal attention. But last night was different. I’m afraid Mr. Lupin sustained severe, possibly life-threatening, injuries. I think he is out of danger now, but it will be some time before he’s completely alright.”

“Can we see him?” Sirius asked, his face as white as a ghost.

“Not at the moment,” Madam Pomfrey said, shaking her head sadly. “I’ve notified his parents of his condition, and I cannot allow visitors now until they give me their consent. Besides, Mr. Lupin is sedated right now, and he needs to rest. Go to class and come back during your break. Perhaps by then I will have better news for you.”

The three boys nodded glumly, knowing that Madam Pomfrey would do her best for their friend. They hated having to leave him, but they had little choice. Sirius stormed out first, his understanding of the matron’s reasoning doing little to quell his annoyance or his fear, James following close behind, and Peter leaving last, with a fleeting glance at the obscured bed at the end of the ward and an apologetic smile for Madam Pomfrey.

They trudged back up to their dormitory to change into proper clothes and grab their book bags, before making their way to the Great Hall. But their escapade had taken longer than they realized, leaving them only enough time to grab a few slices of toast to scarf down as they walked to their first class. Peter chewed on his lip anxiously as Sirius scowled, but James was unreadable. He could see the wheels spinning in his friend’s brain, thinking something very intensely, but he had no idea what it might be. All three of them collapsed into their seats when they reached the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, tiredly pulling out their books.

Professor Al-Naaji opened the door from her office and stepped out into the classroom, commanding the attention of all her students from the moment she joined their midst. She was wearing deep crimson robes with intricate patterns embroidered in black thread, and her bushy hair hung wild around her shoulders. Dark eyes scanned the room, pausing over Remus’ empty seat before moving on.

“Sabah al-khair, class,” she said at last, moving to stand at the edge of her desk.

“Sabah al-noor, Professor,” they replied, echoing the greeting she had taught them on their first day of class.

“Today we will be starting a new unit, and learning all about boggarts,” she began. “Don’t worry, it won’t be on your exam. Boggarts are shape shifting creatures that live in small, dark spaces, like cupboards or cabinets or old school trunks. Has anyone here ever encountered a boggart before, or heard their parents talk about one?”

A few of the students raised their hands.

“Excellent. And does anybody know what boggarts do?” She paused as the class gave her confused looks, and then amended her question. “What shape do they take?”

Angus Brown raised his hand tentatively, and Professor Al-Naaji nodded at him in acknowledgement.

“Whatever freaks us out most,” Angus said, his cheeks turning a little pink at the titters of laughter that floated through the classroom.

“Yes, more or less. Boggarts take the shape of whatever our deepest fear is, whether or not we realize it,” the Professor explained. “They feed off the panic and distress of the sudden realization. In that respect, they are the complete opposite of dementors, who feed off the prolonged suffering and despair of their victims. Dementors feed on the soul of an individual, while boggarts feed on the energy created by the rapid changes in emotional state.”

They scribbled notes furiously as Professor Al-Naaji continued to instruct them. Their lessons were always set up so that Mondays were theoretical and Thursdays were practical, and James idly wondered if they would get to face a real boggart in that week’s practical lesson.

When the class ended, everyone began to put their books away and take out the scrolls of parchment that they had written their homework on. A distressing thought suddenly hit James. Remus. He worked so hard to stay on top of his classwork, and Professor Al-Naaji was strict about homework being submitted on time. And yet Remus must have forgotten to give them the assignment to turn in. It was hardly surprising given how affected he had been by this transition, but it was a very big deal. It was one of the last assignments of the term, and it had been closing out a large unit on water-dwelling creatures, so it was worth a large part of their grade.

Frantically, James tapped his want to the top of his essay, keeping his eyes on Professor Al-Naaji as she worked her way around the classroom collecting the rolls of parchment from each student. His name vanished from the top of the essay, and he grabbed his quill, scrawling Remus’ name instead. James blew on the ink as subtly as he could to try to dry it before he had to turn it in.

When Professor Al-Naaji reached their table, James and Peter held up their two rolls of parchment. James felt strangely nervous, his heart beating so fast that his hands were shaking.

“Remus asked me to turn this in for him,” he said, handing over his own essay.

“And where is yours?” she asked in reply.

“I don’t have it,” James answered, his cheeks turning pink.

“Mr. Potter,” Professor Al-Naaji began in a stern voice, but her eyes flicked to the parchment he had turned over. “Please see me after class.”

James nodded, and she moved on to collect the other students’ essays. When everyone had turned their homework in, they were dismissed, and the students filed out. With a glance at James, Peter left too. When everyone was gone, James approached Professor Al-Naaji’s desk, where she sat peering at him curiously.

“So...” she said, tapping her fingers together. “This is Remus’ homework?”

“Yes, Professor,” he answered, swallowing nervously.

“And you’re positive about that?” she pressed.

“Yes, Professor.”

“Do you mind telling me why you didn’t complete your homework?”

“I...” James paused. He hadn’t been ready for that. “I just... I don’t know, I just didn’t finish it, I guess.”

“You don’t have any better reason than that?” she asked.

“No, ma’am,” he answered.

“Okay,” she sighed. “You know the policy?”

“Yes, Professor.”

“Very well, you may go.”

James stood and left the classroom, letting the door click behind him. Professor Al-Naaji sat at her desk, staring at the essay he had handed her. Sure, it had Remus’ name written across the top in slightly smudged ink, but the handwriting was so obviously Potter’s. Despite her policy, she was oddly proud of James for sacrificing his own grades to protect his friend. It was silly, and unnecessary, but it was sweet and brave too. She decided that she’d give him credit for it, just this once. She often felt that sometimes kids deserved to be rewarded more for being kind to their classmates.

[irish-luthor]

what is synesthesia like? the only knowledge i have of it is from the book a mango-shaped space lol

this got long i am so sorry lol. tl;dr: very hard to describe but all in all it’s dope and super helpful : )

first of all, !!! i actually hadn’t heard of that book but i just googled it and read a few pages, i have one of the same types of synesthesia as the main character (where numbers/letters have colors) but my experience has been a lot less dramatic than hers seems to be lol 

like i definitely was never bullied for it or anything like that – usually people are more curious than anything else; a decent-sized minority of people are doubtful / think i’m just making shit up but they’re never mean about it lol they just apparently can’t use google or comprehend neurological experiences other than their own (which to be fair is probably at least partially because it’s really super hard to describe and also the science behind it is currently pretty ambiguous, so a weak-ish explanation with weak-ish evidence doesn’t exactly make for a convincing claim lol)

and i never hid it either like it didn’t feel like a secret or anything. tbh i did not at all know that it wasn’t a normal universal thing until high school when i offhandedly said something like “and 2 is blue” and someone was like …what are you talking about and i was like ?? is it a different color for you or something? at which point we were both just like “wtf” so i went home and googled it and my mind was BLOWN. like for one thing i was shocked that it was abnormal to begin with bc i had assumed it to be the norm and also while i was reading about it i discovered like 4 other types of synesthesia that i apparently also had hahaha

but truly it is pretty difficult to describe. it’s kind of like……. like if i were reading this post i could read “692R8″ and like i see the numbers and letters as black but i sort of like….. feel like i’m seeing them in color? like i see that the 8 is black but my brain is processing it as red. it’s hard to describe!!!! i guess it’s kind of like seeing an 8 and seeing the color red both trigger the same part of my brain. so like “692R8″ is very clearly, automatically, and involuntarily interpreted as “692R8″ (not exactly those colors but close enough)

like sometimes it kind of feels like numbers and letters irl (like in books or on tv or on street signs or food labels etc. etc.) are actually all different colors but somebody went and painted them black or white or whatever, like i look at the letter P and i know it’s hot pink like it’s right there but somebody covered it up with black, and somewhere between my eyes and my brain that layer of black gets stripped away

in terms of how it actually affects me it’s actually suuuuuuper helpful hahaha i love it. like i remember words and numbers and stuff ridiculously well because i’m basically remembering color sequences (like memorizing a string of colored numbers is a lot easier than memorizing a string of black numbers, and it’s also a lot easier to match words up with the correct spelling bc i’ll notice the absense or addition of certain colors in misspelled words – same with matching up, for example, numerical dates to certain events in history) and i’m really good at remembering things like birthdays bc like the concept of, say, “ally’s birthday” is associated with the colors orange and yellow which i know means 9 and 3 so her birthday is september 3rd

anyways i am so sorry for how long this got hahaha i wish i could explain it better but that’s kind of what it’s like!! also thanks for making me aware of that book lol i had no idea synesthesia literature was a thing 

[scriptuurient]

Hi there! After a quick look through you blog, i don’t see anything about it, but i’m sure other people are curious too. What are some good books, fanfiction, tv shows, or movies that have characters with different types synesthesia? It’s really interesting to me, and i’d love to be able to write a character, and this seems like a decent place to start.

Hi there!

Unfortunately, the reason I don’t have many fictional works with synesthesia referenced is because I don’t know of many. That’s one of the main reasons that I want to encourage more people to write about it! That said, some brief research put together the following list:

- Wednesday is Indigo Blue by Richard Cytowic

A must read. It’s not fiction, but it’s an in-depth exploration of the condition that could absolutely be used to inform writing. I haven’t read it yet, but it comes highly recommended by the community. syn types covered: most

- A Mango Shaped Space by Wendy Mass

I list this because it’s the book that made me realize I had synesthesia back in elementary school. That said, this book doesn’t handle it SUPER well. It’s treated as either a disability or a euphoric experience, due to the author not having synesthesia. You can use this as a jumping off point, but it’s more of a non-example than anything else. Also tw for animal death. syn types covered: color-grapheme, chromesthesia 

- The Name of This Book is Secret by Pseudonymous Bosch

I’ll admit, it’s been a long time since I’ve read this one. I believe it was a fun read and it definitely treats synesthesia better than AMSS. This one uses it in conjunction with a mystery to interesting effect I can’t say more because plot spoilers. syn types covered: smell - sound, other types are covered in the sequels

- Color Blind by Dr. Jenna Ramey

Haven’t read it, but it seems to have good reviews. This is the first adult book on this list and it has some triggering content (it’s about murder soo). The author apparently has synesthesia, so I’d trust her interpretation syn types covered: emotion - color (which is one I have) 

- a list of the best GoodRead books about synesthesia- another one

- not a book, but the podcast @thebrightsessions has a synesthetic character with a fun twist! I think it shows a masterful way of subtly working synesthesia into a character. Caleb has (mild spoilers) the ability to feel other’s emotions, and they present as colors. so another example of emotion - color 

I hope this helped somewhat? If you have any further questions feel free to ask!!  

[nadiawrimos]

What I read in January - because I somehow read 12 books

Link to my goodreads page here Send me an ask if you have book recommendations!

Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher (A) ★★★

I haven’t really read ‘famous people memoirs’ but I thought I’d give this one a go and I enjoyed it.

Astrophysics for People in a Hurry by Neil deGrasse Tyson (A) ★★

Wasn’t really a fan of Tyson’s narration, and I don’t think I’d like his writing either. The book just wasn’t super interesting to me. Plus, on twitter he seems really condescending and I’m left thinking ‘We get it…you’re smart’ maybe I just don’t have enough of a grasp on theoretical physics ( ¬_¬)

Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan ★★★★ This book wouldn’t have even been on my radar if I hadn’t read the author’s pep talk on the nanowrimo site. I read it while a friend of mine was in Singapore and the photos she sent me made me think of the story while experiencing wanderlust/wanderangst. Gossip Girl has nothing on these families. I’m excited for the movie to come out in the spring/summer and I might read the other books in the trilogy.

Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho (A) ★ Yikes. I’ve been wanting to read this book since high school and was terribly disappointed. I liked The Alchemist but otherwise Coelho might be too mystical for me. The protag was whiny and annoying and I wanted to read less about her boring time at the asylum and more of the dissolution of Yugoslavia. I stopped reading halfway through.

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi ★★★★ Very good, very sad. Recommended it to my PA friend

Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly (A) ★★★★★ An amazing book. The audio version was very well narrated and I learned a LOT about the space program and the women who worked for NASA with almost no recognition. I’d like to watch the movie soon!

The Sixth Extinction by Elizabeth Kolbert ★★★ I think this book is part of the reason I’ve a new interest in extinct megafauna. It was a good read and I did learn some new things about frogs in Panama but otherwise it was not especially memorable.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy ★★★★★ I’ve wanted to read this since high school and unlike a previous title I wasn’t disappointed. Wow. Makes me want to finally play The Walking Dead: Season 2 which I’ve had in my steam library for years.

The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware ★★★

Murder mystery on a cruise ship, what’s there not to like? Well, a few things: the main character gave in to peer pressure and was drunk all the time, she wasn’t very smart or particularly likeable, nor was she good at her job, and the author obviously knows nothing about cruise ships (I work in the industry so I know things about cruise ships) but I remember feeling excited to read the last half of the novel so that’s why I gave it that rating. A Mango-Shaped Space by Wendy Mass ★★

After reading The Road I was looking for a “feel good book” and Buzzfeed recommended this to me. It wasn’t anything special but it did remind me why I’ll never have kids (I can’t deal with all the angst and petty arguments)

Travels in Alaska by John Muir (A)★★★

That man really loved glaciers, plants, trees, et cetera.

Joyland by Stephen King ★

Too slow to get started, didn’t like the carny-ness of it all, and abandoned it when I reached the halfway mark and Devin had yet to see the ghost.

Note: audiobooks marked with (A) the ratings are out of 5 with 5 being the best, on the same scheme as goodreads ★ didn’t like it ★★ it was ok ★★★liked it ★★★★really liked it ★★★★★ it was amazing

[girlreadinginpublicspaces]

The elephant in the room

Dear Diary,

I’m in a mall. I’ve been reading Winterson for the past hour as my coffee lies in front of me, untouched. The waiter tip toes around me I’m sure because I probably have a stormy expression on my face. My sister’s upstairs buying clothes. It’s been a tough afternoon.

I’d been shopping for jeans, trying on a washed out pair and a crop top. I stared at myself in the mirror, glad that the store stocked my sizes (sizes 14-16 depending on the clothes). Excited to show the outfit off, I stepped outside into the dimly lit dressing room and saw my family had wandered off. I edged closer to the doorway to the rest of the store. It was brightly lit and there was a flurry of movement outside, the store was packed and I could hear voices mingle with the sounds of cash registers beeping and footsteps resounding in the large hallway. I stepped out into the light trying to locate my family. They were a few feet away so I called to them and started to usher them over. A few by-standers noticed this and turned to look at me. Each of them then proceeded to stare pointedly at my thighs and then glance away. My family came over, having seen this, and I asked, “What?”

“Your thighs are slightly prominent.” Mum said and proceeded to pull the hem of my shirt down to cover them.  My sister rolled her eyes and said “They probably have never seen plus size crop tops before, the bigots.” Her voice carried to the rest of the store. I turned and saw the shoppers were nervous. Later as we at the cashier, I noticed everyone was awkwardly glancing towards my thighs and then looking away. I rolled my eyes and thought, my thighs; the elephant in the room.  

When you are fat, it affects the way you are perceived and how you move in public. You enter a public space and your body is seen as a macabre display, criminal in its disavowal of beauty standards that consider smaller bodies as the ideal measure. Your whole life is measured through these discriminatory aesthetics.

I have been repeatedly a target of fat-phobic comments and behaviors, since I was fifteen and weighed a mere 120 pounds at 5 feet 7 inches. A doctor presumed I was depressed because I was fat. “Yes it happens when kids see that they’re not getting boys’ attention and are overweight.”  

A store owner fat-shamed me as I came into her store. We went for underwear shopping, and the owner looked me up and down as I walked into the dimly lit store with the nauseatingly pink interior and said “too many mangoes this season?” She insisted on fitting me for a bra and walked in to the stall I was in for measurements then proceeding to give a lecture on dieting and exercise.

“Walk, walk, walk,” she said, mimicking jogging with her fists swinging back and forth, “it is the best cure for it” As if I hadn’t been doing that already, as  if my mental health issues and the medication for it didn’t have anything to do with it, as if my PCOS could be cured through walking.

It hasn’t particularly scarred me, but it does affect the way I dress because I’m ever cognizant of the stares I get if I reveal too much skin. A friend of mine was recently speaking of the divide in the city, how some areas are more conservative than others and that we have the privilege of being able to wear spaghetti strap dresses and flip flops at juice bars and cafes and the rest of the women in the city must boil under burkhas (they don’t, there are diverse range of people here and they all dress differently). I glanced at her then and told her that only she could, because my bare arms would be received negatively, that my breasts and butt would be tutt-tutted before I stepped through the door. That shut her up. Presuming to define the struggles of another class, as well as obfuscating/ not realizing the marginalities

I have been exposed to body positive activism, I am fortunate in that way, because I can counter superfluous arguments about which bodies are desirable. I know of the cultural meanings inscribed onto a fat body, I know the ramifications, and I know the reasons behind them. And sometimes, I can forgive them, those who mark me as a non-desirable body, that somehow make me feel like I have failed at something, perhaps at being a normal member of society whose body can be acceptably displayed in public.  However, I often wonder how hard some people must have it because they are not even able to access the vocabularies of body positive activism, and even imagine themselves as desirable, as something other than the grotesque creatures they are made out to be. I may know this vocabulary, but my anger at being tutt-tutted doesn’t go away, my anger at being at the intersections of misogyny and fat phobia.  

Like Jeanette Winterson’s protagonist in Sexing the Cherry I can probably force an elephant into the sky, or be the elephant in the room. But I feel angry at being forced to have a constant litany of thoughts shaped by a negative body image. I do not appreciate when the negative thoughts slip in and I wonder as I read the book, as I sail with Jordan to search for the dancing princess, as I see the macabre and raw sexual imagery within the novel, I wonder about sex. I wonder about desirability, about being conditioned into wondering, like the protagonist “how hideous am I?”

I wonder at the townspeople’s fear of her, their disgust at her body. She was meant to be a monster and meant to be grotesque in her behavior, but she serves as a metaphor for how bigger women are perceived. How their expansiveness threatens those who are too small to climb the towers and reach greater heights themselves. The vastness of their inner lives and their flesh being a direction contradiction to what women are supposed to be: shrunken, soft, invisible, not taking up too much space because it is not theirs to claim. I think of this and then I think of Jordan, of his love for a mother who can fit a dozen oranges into her mouth all at once, who is a monster that trains dogs. I think of him and I think of love itself, that even though we are trained through a certain aesthetic lens, we learn to love those who are the distorted, hall-of-mirrors reflections of the societal ideal. I think of the human capacity of love, and how we can heal and laugh and desire in spite of the constant litany of “how hideous am I?” ringing through our heads.  

-H.

[autisticpika]

i did a lot of readin this week and i just noticed the books i read all featured neurodivergent ppl! "an absolutely true diary of a part time indian"- the main character junior has hydrocephalus, a neurological birth condition. i never knew abt this until i read part time indian, hydrocephalus apparently causes physical disabilities too, likw how junior has uneven vision impairment and a larger than averafe head, he also has a lisp and a stutter. this book isnt 100% relatable to me bc obviously im white and autism and hydrocephalus are hardly alike, juniors life is a billion times tougher than mine but i can relate to coping through drawing comics/cartoons! i lov the illustrations in the book so much, i think this was my 5th time reading this book?? "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time"- the main character christopher is, most likely, autistic? its never stated but its heavily implied, probably never called autism so that the author couldnt get in trouble for inaccuracies or smth. hes a pretty stereotypical representation of autism and was clearly a character written by a nonautistic person but i still like the character and the book. i like how christopher says he sees words when people talk as if they were being typed out, i do that too! other than that tho i dont have as much in common woth him, he cant stand the color yellow but thats my favorite color :P "a mango shaped space"- the main character mia has synesthesia (and probably spd? does synesthesia count as spd?? its also represented as a learning disability in some ways) im actually not finished with this one yet but it goes through her discovery of her condition and meeting new ppl like her its neat! theres a lot of stuff i can relate to my discovery of asd and its also neat because im kinda synesthesiac too!! not as vivid as in the book but its there! i relate colors to numbers/letters/music almost subconsciously but its neat that some of the color relations are the same as hers! i see the word synesthesia as being kinda goldeny colored too! although the authors are neurotypical (as far as i know at least) i think i got some neat stuff out of reading these books! does anybody have any reccomendations of books with neurodivergent people as the main character? id love more books to read! (other books ive read that star nd people as main characters: out of my mind {also synesthesia, wow!}, perks of being a wallflower {ptsd, maybe others too?}) oh man thats it? i thought there was more but 3 of them i almost added i realized were about family members of autistic people and the nd people were not the main character x'D curious incident may be flawed but at least it was from the perspective of the autistic person lol

[kidsviral-blog]

The Books That Made Me Who I Am

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/the-books-that-made-me-who-i-am/

The Books That Made Me Who I Am

I am the product of endless books.

View this image ›

Chris Ritter / BuzzFeed

Nearly every day, a friend or acquaintance tags me on Facebook, asking me to share a list of 10 books that have influenced me. Nearly every day, I read such lists from the same circle of friends and acquaintances. I understand the tidy pleasures provided by such an exercise, but in truth, I am not merely influenced by books. I could not limit a list of important books to a number or a neatly organized list. The list, whatever it might look like, would always be changing because I too am always changing. I am not influenced by books. Instead, I am shaped by them. I am made of flesh and bone and blood. I am also made of books.

The sweetest, most wide-eyed parts of me are made from the Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. They were some of the first books I read, and as a young girl in Nebraska, I loved knowing there were interesting stories to be told about life on the plains. This is also where my imagination began to swell. I imagined making candy with snow and maple syrup. I could hear the timbre of Pa’s voice as he teased Half-Pint. I envied Mary’s grace under pressure. I loved Almanzo Wilder. I loved him fiercely, that country boy. When he began courting Laura, I imagined what it would be like to ride in his sleigh with him, my face chilled against the brisk winter air, the rest of me warmed beneath heavy blankets and the rushing blood of Almanzo next to me, the thrill of his hand in mine.

The sweetest, most wide-eyed parts of me are made from Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea, Lucy Maude Montgomery and Little Women, Louisa May Alcott.

I was a shy girl, but when I read, I was adventurous. Books made me bolder. I read stories, the titles of which I can no longer remember, about young girls embarking on thrilling adventures on wagon trains and fending for themselves, panning for gold. The Chronicles of Narnia made me believe I could slip into a wardrobe and emerge in a completely different world. Madeleine L’Engle’s A Wrinkle in Time helped me embrace my intelligence, showed me how I was not merely bound to this world, not at all. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory made me believe anything was possible if I allowed myself to believe.

  With Forever and Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, Judy Blume held my hand as my body changed and my heart changed and I began to feel less like a girl and more like a young woman.

My yearning was stoked by Sweet Valley High. My yearning was stoked by the lives of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, their seemingly perfect lives, how everyone loved them and wanted to be them. I was nothing like them, but I wanted to be them or I wanted to be in their golden circle. Through these stories, I understood, intimately, what it meant to be on the outside looking in, utterly unable to look away. I understood what it meant to be enthralled.

As I realized I would never be like those girls, I read The Outsiders and learned there was fierceness in not fitting in.

Boarding school intrigued me, so I read about The Girls of Canby Hall, all 33 books, and then I went to boarding school and it was nothing like The Girls of Canby Hall — but I was a girl from Nebraska, and Shelly Hyde, one of the main characters from the books, was a girl from Iowa. Even though I was a stranger in a strange land, something about boarding school was familiar. As has always been the case, I was not alone because I had so many stories making the inside of me.

Something terrible happened to me so I began to read voraciously about terrible things that happened to other women. This is where I learned gratitude when I did not think it would be possible. This is how I taught myself to believe I was lucky. In Perfect Victim, a young woman is kidnapped by a couple and held prisoner in a box beneath a bed for seven years. What she endures is unfathomable. I took no pleasure in reading this book but I found comfort in knowing our bodies and minds are built to endure. I read this book so often the spine is now white and softened, the pages yellowed with age and the ministrations of my tear-stained fingers.

Something terrible happened so I read Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I learned that there was strength inside me if I could just hold on, if I could just find my way to reach my strongest place. I learned how to write what I could not speak, and how even if I could not use my voice, it was still there, waiting, waiting, waiting.

Something terrible happened and I needed a different way of being in my body. I read Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg and for a while, I was able to live in my own skin on my own terms. In the stories of Macho Sluts by Pat Califia I found swagger. I turned to ink and marked myself with a new skin. I was able to live in my own skin on my own terms.

  Lo-li-ta. Lolita. Vladimir Nabokov. From a novel about a pedophile and his unnatural lust for a young girl, I stared down the ugliest parts of what people do to one another and saw the faint, unbearably compelling glimmer of humanity in that hideousness.

The sharpness of my tongue was keened by Edith Wharton and the wit of The Age of Innocence and The House of Mirth — novels about social graces and the burdens of class and caged hearts, how passion stifled only deepens.

I found irreverence and quiet anger and the ability to laugh at the unfairness of the world in How to Make Love to a Negro Without Getting Tired by Dany Laferrière, a writer with whom I share Haitian blood.

The most romantic parts of my heart flourished among the pages of Pride and Prejudice and A Room With a View. Zora Neale Hurston opened mine own eyes through Their Eyes Were Watching God, showing me love in a voice unlike any I had ever known.

My understanding of desire rose out of The Lover, Marguerite Duras, lush and sensual prose, the words thickly wanton. I closed my eyes and wished for the narrator’s prescient arrogance. I closed my eyes and lamented these lovers who could never truly be together, their impossible passion, sweaty bodies coming together in the salt and sweltering heat of Indochina. And in those words there was a line that has always, always stayed with me. “My memory of men is never lit up and illuminated like my memory of women.” My reading and writing have long been illuminated by the stories of women. I carry these stories with me.

Or my desire rises out of The Story of O by Pauline Réage, a novel about darkness and submission, of allowing yourself to be entirely subsumed by the want and will of another. In this book I learned how submission is terrifying and freeing, how submission allows you to be on the outside looking in on yourself until you lose yourself. The Story of O made me want to get lost in myself or someone else or both.

  My empathy grew when I began to understand how vastly the world extended beyond what I thought I knew. I read Once Were Warriors, by Alan Duff — a novel about a Maori family in New Zealand struggling through violence and addiction and loving one another too hard. I read Rohinton Mistry’s A Fine Balance and understood the resilience of even the most abandoned among us. I read The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros and The Women of Brewster Place by Gloria Naylor and Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich and Krik? Krak! by Edwidge Danticat and For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf by Ntozake Shange and Passing by Nella Larsen and Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin and this is a list that could not possibly end.

My writing ambition was sharpened by Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale, an unapologetically political novel that reminds us of what it costs to be a woman in this world or the next. My ambition, that toward which I aspire to write, has long been guided by Toni Morrison, Beloved, and through her words, seeing how a novel can be mysterious and true, mythical and raw, how a novel can honor memory even when we want to look away or forget. My ambition has long been sharpened by Alice Walker, willing to tell the stories of black women without apology, willing to write politically without apology — Possessing the Secret of Joy, a haunting, gorgeous novel about female genital mutilation that keeps me transfixed and heartbroken and helpless each time I read it, because sometimes the only way to tell the truth is to tell a story.

Today my writing ambition, my heart, and my mind are expanded by my peers who are writing the books I read with breathless anticipation and envy: Normally Special by xTx, Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones, The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison, Prelude to Bruise by Saeed Jones, The Book of Unknown Americans by Cristina Henriquez, Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter, Love Me Back by Merritt Tierce, Salsa Nocturna by Daniel José Older, A Map of Home by Randa Jarrar, Forgotten Country by Catherine Chung, Birds of a Lesser Paradise by Megan Mayhew Bergman. I take in these stories and become more of myself.

In all these books and in so many more, I find the most essential parts of myself. I become more myself. I learn what to hold most necessary when using my voice. I learn and continue to learn how to use my voice.

I am made of flesh and bone and blood. I am made of books. A list could not contain me.

***

Roxane Gay‘s writing has appeared or is forthcoming in Best American Mystery Stories 2014, Best American Short Stories 2012, Best Sex Writing 2012, A Public Space, McSweeney’s, Tin House, Oxford American, American Short Fiction, West Branch, Virginia Quarterly Review, NOON, the New York Times Book Review, Bookforum, Time, the Los Angeles Times, The Nation, The Rumpus, Salon, and many others. She is the co-editor of PANK. She is also the author of the books Ayiti, An Untamed State, Bad Feminist, and Hunger, forthcoming from Harper in 2016.

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/roxanegay/i-am-made-of-books

[thedancemostofall]

RETURNING TO NEW HOUSES WE REBUILD TOGETHER

ROSEBUD BEN-ONI SEPTEMBER 26, 2017

via kenyon review

Yesterday, you began this essay with: She bears the wood and the forgotten knowledge of the wood, carries its many names, a weight that brings the poet no unity.

And then you thought about how often, with back bent and face two inches buried from the earth, she unplants the wood and burns it for others, and what’s so wonderful about unity anyway?

And then you tried to begin again: Tonight, she is heavy with the wood she carries, and the wood she has lost as she prays on Aseret Yemei Teshuvah, these Ten Days of Repentance.

Or rather: The Ten Days of Return.

Every year, returning means coming a step closer to a language no longer spoken but carried.

For her, the wood is always opening as it is closing.

She knows any step inside underscores the exits she is making.

The house is a prayer that will ask for the wood she bears.

The house is a prayer that is not yet built, and it will never be finished.

Perhaps you have missed her inscriptions, her woodwork, the wooden lattice screen that once hid her upstairs as she prayed in the woman’s gallery in her synagogue, far from Torah, far from her share of joy and burden.

Today you think of your father who dismantled the screen, and passed his lectern over to you, clearing the space so that you might build your own prayers, offer up your own light.

Tonight you are looking back into the eyes of the wood you’ve burned bright.

Tonight she is looking back into the eyes of the rooms she’s built and left behind.

One step already inside.

One step almost always missed.

*

You’ve received much advice about poetry over the years, and this year in particular. Quite a few concern things a poet should not do.

One especially surprising: to not hold poetry in too high of a regard.

A seasoned poet who’s been around the block a few times, as he referred to himself, told you not to hold poetry in too high of a regard.

That one should be able to separate it from real life.

It’s consuming you, the poet explained, ready to improve your condition. You were friendly to each other at a distance, but you do not know him. You’ve never shared a meal, never spent meaningful time together in real life. Yet he was concerned about you, from afar, in reading your work. He even thanks you, for your words which he finds beautiful but will only lead to disappointment.

You won’t find what you are looking for, he said. You won’t get beyond the page. Don’t ever forget there’s life beyond poetry.

His delivery came off as a sentencing.

His delivery, an old language she’s been trying to escape for centuries.

*

Last night, when you were in the thick of it all, you received a phone call from your father-in-law who lives in Hong Kong, but was born in rural China. He tells you that he is going to attempt to get the deed to his family’s farmhouse back from the government, and if he can’t, he will sign the 99-year-lease permitted.

I’m over 60 years old, he says. This won’t be for me.

You say nothing, thinking of the wood that this man has carried. The stories he’s told you of the real wood he’d carried in his arms when he lived in the village.

There’s no electricity, he tells you, or running water. The roof is falling apart, and the beams are rotten. It’s uninhabitable, and it’s not much, but I thought, when you and my son are here in December, we can go look at it together. I thought in a few years, we can get it into decent shape. No Holiday Inn. But in a few years, a place where you can go and write. A home for your writing.

You are touched by such generosity, but remain silent, knowing that thanking him would upset him. Thanking someone is for strangers, your father-in-law has said. Father-in-law itself is a word that upsets him.

Call him Papa Issac, your husband’s mother has said in the past, and me, Mama Christina. She doesn’t want to offend your parents, worried that they might think her language is trying to replace them. But that she hopes one day it will just come naturally, Father and Mother.

I’m working on my Cantonese, you suddenly tell him, in English.

Really, he says. Talk to me.

You slowly count to 10, hoping you won’t forget the words you’ve memorized. Yāt, yih, sāam, sei, nǵh, lukh, chāt, baat, gāu, sahp. You recite the name of sānnggwó— fruits— you often buy with your husband’s mother, Mama Christina, in Shek Tong Tsui market. Mōnggwó. Mango. Cháang. Orange. Boulām. Plum. Laihjī. Lychee. You ask him what time it is. You ask him what’s the matter. You ask him where he is going, and where he is coming from.

He repeats the words you stumble over, and then answers you.

You repeat his answers, and the questions you originally asked, which he repeats once more back to you.

You hear the tones, he says. It’s easy for you; you speak more than one language.

And you want to tell him how it is not easy. That your Spanish is rooted in the Rio Grande Valley, at a particular point on the border where land meet the Gulf of Mexico. That you never learned it. That you don’t remember when you began to speak it, nor your first words in Modern Hebrew, or how you learned your first prayer— The Sh’ma— no, you can’t remember a time when you did not carry The Book, when you were not in the thick of it, in the unplanting of language you do not wish to transcend, but rather transcend with.

For you cannot remember a time when you and language were not always in it together.

That the fire burning the wood is poetry, and poetry brings you no unity, and perhaps returning is not merely a time of reflection, but looking toward what you will do with the fire you carry, the fire you’ve always carried.

You want to tell your husband’s father, in this moment of mourning, in this moment that another poet would tell her and her and she and she that there’s life beyond poetry, that this offer in sharing his childhood home with you, a gesture he finds so small and not much, means the world to you.

And how you want to thank him, openly, with these words.

But in his language, thank you is for strangers.

Get your visas for China in New York, he reminds you. So you guys can relax in Hong Kong when you get here. Before we go to the Mainland.

You tell him you will.

And just before you hang up, you go over the words of your Cantonese lessons once more with this man you struggle to call simply father, without hyphened explanation, without a secondary name.

You again ask him what time it is. You ask what’s the matter, and where he is going, and where is he coming from.

And once again, he repeats the tones you stumble over, and answers you, and then waits for you to say those words, the words of your father, back to him.