#(the thing of feeling weird posting stuff applies to other stuff like source memories or whatever) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moshymosh · 4 years

Text

Remember me- A Night To Remember

When the love of your life suffers from a disease that affects their memory of their life with you, what do you do? Will you spend your last days with them, trying to get them to remember you? The life you had, or would you give up and let them forget you?

Summary- Dr. Spencer Reid felt his whole life change when Agent Y/n L/n joined the BAU. She came in like a cool summer breeze changing everything Spencer knew about love and his capacity to care for someone so much. Y/n came to the BAU with a tragic past, her only goal was to save lives and make the world a safer place for everyone. She meets a skinny shaggy haired doctor, which causes her whole life to change, much like Spencer, will she fall in love or will her tragic past or even her job prevent her?

Pairings- Dr. Spencer Reid x f!reader.

A/N- This is a notebook inspired story, this story will be told and wrote like a chapter book. So some of the endings will not always make sense. Also I don't claim go own Criminal Minds or the Notebook, this is solely for entertainment purposes and for enjoyment. Some of the lines are from the notebook movie, again I don't claim to own either fandom/tv show/ movie. I try to make Y/n as vague as possible so shes more inclusive so if there is any descriptive things that don’t apply to you feel free to ignore them. Also just putting this out there as the story progresses Maeve is still alive and well, she is a good friend of Spencer and Y/n’s. There will be graphic content and sexual scenes in later chapters, warnings will be added as they go. Also if you want to be tagged send me an as or comment here, also send requests I'm down for making little fics. I know this part is a little weird, but there will be a -A Night To Remember part 2

PS- Please don't post my fics anywhere without my documented consent, thanks -Karma (MoshyMosh)

Warnings- some mentions of guns, violence and some minor crime talk, the usual for criminal minds. (I’m bad at writing case talk, please don't hate me.)

Here's the dress I was using for inspiration. Also here are the roses. If the links don’t work, here’s a link to the inspo board on Pinterest.

Previous part | Next Part | Masterlist

Y/n walked into the bullpen a package clasped in her hands. Y/n saw JJ talking to Derek and glanced around, making sure Spencer wasn't around before she walked over to the pair. "JJ I need a favor, " Y/n said softly, holding out the newspaper-wrapped package. "Give it to Spencer when I'm- uh not around?"

JJ and Derek shared a small smile after JJ took the package from Y/n and watched her go over to her desk and begin to set her stuff down. Y/n tilted her head at the small bouquet of yellow red-tipped roses sitting on her desk. Y/n smiled softly and pulled the notecard from its holder. Her eyes were drawn from the notecard to the three bags of gummy bears behind the roses.

Y/n let out a giggle and shook her head with a small smile on her face. She then looked up to JJ with a look of confusion but brushed it aside and sat down as she began to pull the card from its envelope.

'Will you go to the FBI ball with me?-SR xx'

Y/n giggled and slid the notecard into her blazer pocket and grabbed one of the bags of gummy bears, opening it as she left the bullpen to go to Garcia's bat cave.

Spencer smiled as he saw Y/n's reaction to his gifts, turning back to Rossi and Hotch, as they all stood in Hotch's office. "I think she liked them." He said excitedly. "Thank you." Spencer said before he left Hotch's office.

JJ saw Spencer walking back to his desk. "Spence!" she called for him as she began to walk over to him, Derek trailing behind her.

Spencer turned and looked at JJ, confused, seeing the package in her hand. "Looks like pretty boys got a crush." Derek said with a chuckle, nudging Spencer's shoulder.

Spencer took the package from JJ, pulling the notecard from under the emerald green ribbon that was decorating the package. Spencer looked up at JJ and Derek, confused before he opened the envelope and pulled out the card to read its contents.

'I love Walt Whitman, you saw and remember how I like my coffee, here's my favorite book of poems. Remember them- F/I L/I x'

Spencer put the notecard down and went to untie the ribbon when he looked at his desk to set the ribbon down and saw a note on the back of the card.

'PS- you once told me a statistic on recycling and I took it to heart, hence the newspaper. It's recycled.'

Spencer chuckled and carefully unwrapped the newspaper so it can be reused before he pulled the book from the wrapper. Spencer opened the hardcover and saw the copyright page.

"A first edition?" Spencer asked in disbelief.

Y/n and Garcia walked back in the bullpen, Y/n looked over to Spencer and smiled at him before she popped a gummy bear into her mouth.

"Okay guys, the FBI ball is next Wednesday. We just got a case, let's meet and discuss." Hotch said from the second floor.

Y/n followed Penelope to the meeting room and found a seat as the others filed in after.

"Ok, guys this case is in our very own home." Garcia started talking, throughout the meeting Y/n and Spencer took turns glancing at each other.

"Ok L/n you're with me, we'll set up here. Reid and Morgan go check out the first crime scene. Rossi, JJ, and Prentiss go to the recent scene." Hotch said as he closed his file.

"Y/n." Hotch said once everyone left and they began to set up the evidence boards that they had wheeled into the room.

"Yes sir?" Y/n asked, looking over to Hotch as she finished putting up the final picture on one of the boards.

"Did you like Spencer's gifts?" he asked, handing her some more things to put on the board.

Y/n smiled to herself as she hung the things he handed to her, "Yes, I did. Though, I can't wrap my brain around what those yellow roses are supposed to symbolize. They have multiple meanings such as friendship and/or falling in love." she said as she turned around and placed her hands on the back of a nearby chair. "Does that mean his note is 'go to the ball with me as friends.' or 'go to the ball with me because I'm falling in love with you.'?"

Hotch chuckled and shook his head with a smile. "Don't overthink it like Reid did." he said

Y/n shook her head with a laugh before she smiled up at him. "I think just because you said that I'm going to do just that."

Their friendly banter was interrupted by Hotch's phone ringing. "Reid, what did you find out?" Hotch asked as he answered and put his phone on speaker, Y/n listened alongside Hotch to what Reid was telling them. Y/n looked over to the map on the board, mentally putting points on it.

"I think I know where the unsub's comfort zone is." she said, moving away from the chair she was leaning against and began putting the points she envisioned onto the map for the team.

"Reid, Morgan tell everyone to get back here." Hotch said before he turned and looked at what Y/n was doing as he hung up the phone.

After a few days if run around by the unsub they managed to track him down. Y/n went into the warehouse with her gun drawn as she led a few SWAT members in.

"Thomas McDonald!" Y/n shouted, her gun drawn on the man who was holding a knife to the throat of a girl he recently kidnapped. "Put the knife down, and let the girl go."

Soon the team came in and the unsub backed down. They quickly arrested the man and the victim was given medical treatment. Y/n took a deep breath when she stepped out of the warehouse, Y/n shook her head to shake loose her thoughts before she looked at the woman sitting on the back of the ambulance.

"Agent L/n?" a medic called over to her, she looked over to the source of the voice. "She wants to speak to you."

Y/n walked over to the woman and sat next to her. "You saved my life." the woman said, grasping Y/n's hands.

"It wasn't just me." Y/n said as she rubbed her thumbs over the back of the woman's hands, turning her head to nod towards the team. "They all helped." Y/n whispered to her. The woman hugged her tightly causing Y/n to gasp in shock. Y/n hugged the woman back and began rubbing her back in a comforting manner.

"Thank you so much." The woman said. Y/n continued to rub the woman's back, not knowing Spencer was watching her comfort the woman.

"L/n." Hotch called out to her, causing Spencer to look away, as Y/n looked back to Hotch. She excused herself from the woman's embrace and came to join the team, standing beside Spencer. "You did a really good job of defusing the situation, " Hotch said earnestly, causing Y/n to let out a small sigh of relief. "Let's head back to Quantico and debrief."

Y/n and the team headed back to Quantico and began to work on writing their reports. Y/n sighed and rubbed her eyes for what she felt was the thousandth time, everyone had finished and went home. Spencer looked over at Y/n who yawned and rolled her head, stretching out her neck.

Spencer stood and began to grab his things. "Y/n go home, it'll be there tomorrow." he said to her as he walked past her desk.

"Oh! Spencer, yes I'll go to the ball with you on Wednesday." Y/n said as she smiled at him. Spence smiled back at her and nodded his head before he turned and continued walking to the elevators, leaving Y/n behind in the empty office.

The sun rose on the Monday before the ball. Y/n groaned as she lifted her head from her desk as she heard her coworkers enter the bullpen, she rubbed her eyes sleepily as she turned her head in their direction.

"Y/n did you sleep here last night?" Penelope asked as she walked in beside Derek.

Y/n stretched and yawned as she looked around. "I uh- must've fallen asleep after I finished my report." Y/n said as she rubbed her eyes again. "I remember putting my report on Hotch's desk and sitting back down to gather my things and I fell asleep."

Spencer walked in behind JJ, carrying two to-go coffee cups, smiling at the sleepy Y/n at her desk. "You slept here." Spencer stated, walking over to her, holding out one of the cups to her.

"No, I just decided to wear yesterday's clothes and not brush my hair." Y/n said sarcastically before she took a sip of coffee.

"Ouch, Y/n's got bite in the morning." Derek said with a chuckled to which Y/n gave him a death glare. "Oof meow." he said, gesturing a clawing motion with his hand.

Hotch walked in with a chuckle overhearing their conversation. "L/n, JJ, Prentiss, and Garcia why don't you girls take the day, go do girl things." he said with a smile. "Just keep your phone on you."

JJ and Emily looked at each other in disbelief as Penelope squealed and did a happy dance. Y/n saluted with a sleepy look as she sipped her coffee again.

"Rossi, Reid, and Morgan, we all have tuxs to get for Wednesday." Hotch said. Spencer watched as Y/n gathered her things into her white messenger bag before she stood, slinging it onto her shoulder.

"Spencie, thank you so much for the lifeline this morning." Y/n said as she raised her cup in his direction.

"Y/n! Let's go, we've got dress shopping to do!" Penelope shouted from the door to the bullpen, causing Y/n to cringe at the loudness of her voice.

Y/n turned around and motioned her hand in a lowering gesture. "Penny sweetie, too loud." Y/n whispered as she walked over to her, and slung her arm around Penelope's shoulders after she switched her coffee cup to the other hand. "Let's go bitches." Y/n said with a laugh as they walked to the elevators, to go shopping.

Y/n sat in the dress shop, watching JJ, Emily and Penelope come in and out of the fitting rooms, trying on different dresses. Y/n turned her head as her eyes glanced go the burgundy she had her eyes on.

"Girl, go get it." JJ said as she watched Y/n, the dress she decided on, hanging over her arm.

Y/n looked back to JJ, biting her lip. "Should I?" she asked as she began playing with her fingers.

"Oh hell yes." Emily said adjusting the dress she was trying on in the mirror.

Y/n nodded her head in determination, before she stood and walked over to the display her dress was hanging on, flagging down an employee for help. Y/n waited by the dressing room as she watch the employee take the dress off the display for her to try on. Y/n walked behind the curtain after the employee handed it to her.

Y/n stood in front of the mirror inside the fitting room, as she ran her hands down the tulle bodice. She took a deep breath and turned to exit the small room.

"Oh my God!" All of the girls said when they saw Y/n in the dress. The burgundy tulle of the skirt flowed around her perfectly.

"Does it look ok?" Y/n asked softly as she adjusted the sleeves, turning around to look in the mirror behind her.

"Yes, you do." JJ said as she came up behind her, rubbing her shoulders affectionately. "Look if you do your hair up..." She said as she demonstrated showing Y/n what she meant.

Y/n bit her lip as she looked at her reflection as JJ held her hair up. Emily came up behind the pair and smiled, leaning over Y/n's opposite shoulder.

"You know I wasn't sure about you at first but I've changed my mind about you now." Emily said as she draped a necklace she saw on a display on Y/n's neck. "I saw this necklace and I thought it was perfect." she said as she looked up from the necklace on Y/n's chest to her reflection.

JJ stepped away from Y/n and Emily, and went to look for a necktie that matched the color of Y/n's dress for Spencer to wear. JJ dragged Penelope into the search after they both paid for their dresses and accessories. Y/n smiled at Emily when she stepped away. Y/n went back into the dressing room to change back into she came into the store in. Emily took the necklace she found for herself and the one she found for Y/n, along with her dress, and went to the register to pay for her items.

Emily waited for the girls by the door of the shop. Y/n stepped out of the dressing room, the dress she was getting, draped over her arm as she gathered her bag from the couch she was previously occupying. She went to the register to pay for her desk, smiling as the woman put her dress in a dress bag before she stood next to Emily by the door, waiting for Penelope and JJ.

Once all the girls were ready they walked out of the shop and out to their cars. "Hey girls, why don't you guys take your things home and then come back to my apartment for some drinks and take out?" Y/n asked when they all reached their cars that were parked near each other.

"You got a deal sister. I'll bring the wine." Penelope said giddily.

Emily chuckled and shook her head as she hung her dress in the back of her car. "I'll bring face masks." she said with a wink to Y/n.

"JJ, what are you bringing?" Y/n asked, watching the woman in question put her dress in her car.

"I'm bringing my love and support." JJ said as she opened her driver's side door, putting her purse inside of the vehicle. She turned to the girls, leaning back against the back door. "I will bring the steamy emotion-filled, romantic movies."

"Bring magic mike, please." Penelope said, giving JJ a pouty face.

Y/n laughed with a shake of her head as she watched the girls get into their cars and begin to leave. Y/n loaded her things into the back of her car, careful not to wrinkle her dress in its bag. As Y/n sat in her car about to leave the parking lot her thoughts turned to the roses she had Penelope take to her home while they were on the case.

She began to drive home, her thoughts now turning to think of what Spencer was doing.

#karmawrites #moshymosh's masterlist #mgg x reader #remember me #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine smut #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #matthew gray gubler x reader #moshymosh writes

59 notes · View notes

localkatshelter · 4 years

Text

Okame’s Underbelly - Explanation |5th|

(ShinsoxOC)

Katsumi’s POV (localvillageidiot#0870) and Shinso’s POV (hecker#8339)

Warning: Contains arguing, name-calling, smoking, swearing, slight misuse of quirk, and Denki and Mina supremacy

Preview (Katsumi’s POV):

| “Shinso,” I said, turning to him, “you like poetry too, right?” I said, giving him a small, inviting smile.

“No, not my thing.” he grumbled, not even turning to answer me directly.

I felt my eye twitch. I am trying. So hard. To be nice.

“Oh really? I got the feeling that you might since I think we met briefly at a poetry house once over the summer.” I said pleasantly, clenching my jaw in secret.

“Did we? Well, even if we did, I don’t think I’d remember you.” he said dismissively.

Okay, now you're just trying to piss me off. |

Unknown source for artwork. (Please let me know who’s it is if you know)

1st Chapter - Anticipation

(Katsumi's POV)

The smell of day old frying oil greeted me as I walked into Marley’s to meet up with Mina. She had asked me to grab a quick bite to eat with her before we went to a party that a friend of hers was having. She knew I would never turn down a good time nor would I ever turn down a Marley’s date. I scanned the room to find my favorite tuft of pink hair waving wildly at me. My smile morphed into shock when I saw an equally wild blonde waving at me as well. I hurried over to the table to greet them but when I arrived I saw Edgelord sitting with them as well. His head was stuck in a menu, apparently trying to seem indifferent about my arrival. I felt a strange mix of anger and anxiety rushing out of him, pushing me back towards the door. It irritated me but I decided to ignore it, focusing my attention on those who were happy to see me.

“Denki, hi! I didn’t think I’d see you so soon.”

“Fate must be bringing us together.” he avowed, comically suave.

I laughed. “It must be. Can’t say I mind though.”

I hugged Mina, who had gotten out of the booth when I walked over.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had friends coming too?” I asked.

“I thought you’d like the surprise!” she beamed.

“You know me, the more the merrier!” I said as we settled into our seats. I slid into the booth next to Edgelord, who still hadn’t said anything. I took off my leather jacket and tucked it into my backpack between my legs.

“Hey Shinso.” I said casually.

“Hey.” he replied gruffly.

Well this is going to be an awkward meal. He’s already on my nerves. I don’t get why he’s acting like this. I let him sleep on my couch and he can’t even muster up a decent hello? Is he trying to hurt my feelings? ... Just play nice Kat. He’s Mina’s old friend and Denki’s roommate. You can do this. Just pretend like he’s not being weird, or better yet, pretend like he’s not even there. Don’t let it get to you. I took a mental deep breath and smiled at the two across from me. The three of us chatted for a while about nothing in particular, just a little small talk about this and that. At some point, Mina mentioned something about a high school memory, which reminded me of how they all knew each other.

“Denki, you went to UA too, right? Your quirk must be really cool.” I said.

“Wanna see how it works?” He raised an eyebrow and smiled mischievously.

I looked over at Mina who smiled encouragingly at me, albeit a bit too eager for my liking.

“Uh, sure why not?”

“Give me your hand.”

I complied, placing my hand in his. He took it and flipped it so my palm was up. He dangled his fingers over my hand dramatically, like a magician about to say their magic words.

“Are you ready?”

I nodded, a bit intrigued. He placed a finger in the middle of my palm and activated his quirk, sending a small zap into my skin. A strange noise came out of my mouth when I felt the slight pain and surprise hit me. The noise sent Mina and Denki into a fit of laughter.

“What- what was that noise?” Mina choked out between giggles.

“Shut up, that hurt!”

“I- I’m sorry! It was just too tempting!” Denki wheezed.

I rubbed the slightly tender part of my palm and glared at them.

“Come on, I’ll make it up to you. Let me kiss it better.” He held out his hands to me.

I looked at him skeptically.

“I won't do it again, promise.”

I gave him my hand and he leaned down, placing an electrified kiss on the same spot as before.

“Ow!” I cried as I pulled my hand back.

Mina and Denki bursted out laughing once more, this time joined by a scoff from Shinso.

“How gullible can you be?” Shinso said under his breath.

I shot him a look but before I could say anything back, our food arrived.

We ate and the three of us continued to chat. Mina and Denki told me stories about their time at UA together. It was so cool to hear what the pro heroes that I was covering were like when they were students. I took some pretty good mental notes, not that I would ever use any of the personal information I gathered in any of my posts. That just felt like an invasion of privacy, but it did help me understand the dynamic I captured between certain heroes in my photographs. It always struck me odd how Dynamite and Deku looked when they fought together. Their relationship vexed me but pulled me in at the same time. The same applied to Dynamite and Red Riot. Hearing that one pair had been childhood friends and the other had become super close in their first year at UA shed some new light and perspective on the scenes that I had captured before.

Some of the stories were just outright hilarious too. Denki was an absolute riot and the way he and Mina played off of each other made my mission of ignoring Edgelord’s attitude super easy. He hadn’t said much of anything since our food had come to the table despite Mina and Denki trying to involve him in their storytelling. He just hummed or gave an unenthusiastic “yeah” whenever they asked him something. I didn’t need to use my quirk to feel the irritation and discomfort rolling off of him. If you don’t want to be here, then leave. I couldn’t help but feel like I was the reason he was so annoyed. I walked myself through my memories trying to figure out when exactly I ran over this kid’s cat. I really was nothing but nice. I practically saved his life, not that he knows that, but still! I bared those emotions for him! It took me forever to claw my way out of that depression hole. On top of that, I gave him a place to sleep it off and helped him move all of his shit up the stairs into his room. Why is he getting under my skin this much? Why do I even care? Everything about this is pissing me off.

“So Kat,” Denki said, interrupting my thoughts. “What do you like to do in your free time?”

“I like to take pictures and I write sometimes.” I said, covering my half full mouth.

“Well duh, you’re a photojournalism major. That doesn't count.”

“Umm,” I thought about my response as I swallowed. “Actually, I used to spend a lot of time at some hole-in-the-wall place near campus. I listened to people perform poetry and stuff like that. I went every Friday at one point to listen to a particular person. The stage name was Okame, but once they stopped performing I kind of lost interest” I checked my watch. “If Okame was still performing, I’d probably be getting ready to head over right about now.”

I felt Shinso tense up next to me. His anxiety was tugging at my quirk like toddlers aggressively tug on a parent’s sleeve. Wow, his anxiety just shot through the roof... You good kid? Maybe I should bring him into the conversation? Is that what this is about?

“Shinso,” I said, turning to him, “you like poetry too, right?” I said, giving him a small, inviting smile.

“No, not my thing.” he grumbled, not even turning to answer me directly.

I felt my eye twitch. I am trying. So hard. To be nice.

“Oh really? I got the feeling that you might since I think we met briefly at a poetry house once over the summer.” I said pleasantly, clenching my jaw in secret.

“Did we? Well, even if we did, I don’t think I’d remember you.” he said dismissively.

Okay, now you're just trying to piss me off.

“Oh yeah? Well I definitely remember you. You were outside. If memory serves, you were having a pretty rough go of it.” I turned to fully face him, shooting him a challenging glare.

I knew the irritation showed on my face, but I honestly didn’t care enough to hide my emotions anymore. He met my glare with his own. The message was clear, he wanted me to shut my mouth and drop it. But why should I? He just continued to stare me down, waiting for me to change the subject, but I had a few questions for him. Mina must have seen me ready to blow a gasket because she decided to jump in to defuse the situation.

“Well, what does it matter where you were or what you're into?” she chuckled nervously. “Kat, have you been writing anything interesting lately?”

“Or do you have any of your professional-grade photographs on your phone? I’d really love to see them! I’m sure they’re amazing!” Denki chimed in, following Mina’s lead.

“I’m gonna head out for a smoke.” Shinso said, looking at me to move.

I got up to let him out. I watched him walk out with his hands deep in his pockets. I was drilling holes into the back of his head and I knew he felt it because his frustration was overcoming his anxiety as he reached the door, but I wasn’t done with him yet.

“I’m actually going to take a step out too.”

Mina gave me a look that said Girl what? You don’t smoke. But I ignored it and followed after Shinso.

(Shinso's POV)

God must be playing some cruel joke on me, either that, or I was a shittier boyfriend than I originally thought and this was my sweet karma. I just can't seem to escape that night. I managed to stifle the buzz in my head for the most part but it keeps manifesting itself, or rather infesting, my present. Time for some more shitty coping. I pulled out the pack of cigarettes from my jacket and pulled one out. It was a bit mangled but it was my second to last one. (I imagine his last cigarettes always end up this way bc he always smokes when his mood is erratic so he just manhandles tf out these ciggies)

"It's in poor condition but it'll have to do." I muttered under my breath.

I swiftly placed it between my lips and raised the lighter to it, but the flame was quickly extinguished. Shit, why does it always have to be so windy today? I hovered my other hand over the flame to block the harsh gusts, as I furrowed my brows in concentration. I was failing miserably to light my damn cigarette. I groaned in frustration before two small hands appeared around mine. My hands jerked back, startled, extinguishing the flame immediately. I looked down and realized it was the little brunette. I composed myself with a sigh and went back to trying to light my cigarette, choosing not to pay her any attention.

"Do you want help lighting your cigarette or not?" she questioned, irritated.

I looked down at her, a stubborn expression on her face. Pick your battles, Shinso. I reluctantly leaned down towards her.

“So...” she said after the cigarette was lit. “I mean this in the nicest, most polite way possible, but what the fuck is your problem?” she interrogated.

Her sudden abrasiveness caught me off guard. "Uh...what do you mean?" When did this become an interrogation all of a sudden?

“I mean, why do you treat me like I ran over your cat on your birthday?

Her absurd question also took me aback but I was quicker to adjust this time. "I don't even know who you are?” Why am I lying? Fuck it I already said it, let's go with it.

“Oh really? So that's why you act so out of pocket any time I bring up the night we met when I found you drunk and ugly crying-”

"Okay okay, fine. Just please stop bringing it up." I interrupted hastily. "Jesus fuck." I muttered under my breath. Why does she insist on bringing it up?

“So you do remember?” she asked with mock surprise. I just looked ahead of me hoping that she would run out of steam and drop it.

“Say it.” She demanded, her volume raising this time.

"Yes." I confirmed begrudgingly. Why the fuck does she have to be so loud? She's a pro at being annoying. "But I can't say it, because I genuinely don't remember your name." This was intended to be a slight jab but I was being honest. I probably could remember it if I wasn’t actively trying to forget it.

“Not like Denki and Mina haven’t said it a million times today. It’s Katsumi.”

"Ooooh right. Kat." My voice was just short of being completely monotone.

“Kat...so you do remember. Asshole.” She rolled her eyes. She has no problem insulting me. It kind of amused me but my aggravation overshadowed it.

I shrugged at her. What does it matter anyway? It's not like we're gonna be best friends. We can barely tolerate each other as it is.

“Listen Edgelord, I think you still owe me an explanation. I’ve been nothing but nice to you. So what gives?” she insisted.

"I don't know what you're talking about. This is how I always am." I technically wasn't lying. I tended to rub strangers the wrong way, either that or I was easily forgettable.

“So you're always a total douche?” she challenged, staring me right in my face.

"Funny. Guess so." I said carelessly with a hint of a smirk at her additional loving nickname for me. Wonder what else she'll call me?

“I know you’re not though. You turn sour as soon as I come around and it bothers me. So fess up. What’s your damage?” Her expression twisted into a scowl at the end of her sentence.

That last question irked me a little more than it should've. My damage?

"Hm I don't know, maybe you being a constant reminder of one of the worst days of my life." I stated with a tinge of bitterness at the end of my words.

This seemed to catch her off guard. She took a moment to configure a response. She was either being very careful with her next words or didn't know what to say at all.

“Oh, okay, yeah. That tracks... Well I’m sorry, but I really couldn’t just leave you there.” Her tone was slightly softer than before.

"I know." I admitted reluctantly. "That's what's so frustrating." I muttered, barely audible. What made her care so much about a complete mess of a stranger? Now we're attached by that occurence and it's so embarrassing.

“Frustrating? What’s so frustrating?” She caught part of it.

"Nothing. I just- I hate that you saw me like that. It's fucking weird. I like to deal with shit on my own."

“It’s really okay, Shinso. I didn’t think about it when I saw you. I was just happy to catch up, because we got along really well that night. It wasn't until you started avoiding me like the plague that I started thinking back to remember where things went wrong.”

"Yeah, I get that. But you're always bringing it up so casually like it's the weather or some shit."

“It was the only thing that got any sort of response out of you. What else did you want me to do? Besides, It didn’t make me think of you in any type of way.” she assured me.

"I just don't get why you care." I said more to myself than to her.

She seemed to genuinely consider this for a second.

“Me either, if I’m being honest. You’re so grouchy. I almost never put up with your type. But here we are.” She shrugged and dropped her arms to her side, comically defeated.

That sentiment actually drew a chuckle out of me. It didn't seem like the most appropriate response for the situation so I tried to stifle it as best as I could.

"Yup. Here we are." I confirmed.

“So we’re friends now.” she asserted, sure of it.

"Uh...I didn't say all that." She really is bold. She keeps catching me off guard.

“But I did.” she doubled down on it.

There was a brief stare down, her amber eyes were unwavering on mine. I guess it doesn't mean much. We're just gonna have to play nice when we're around each other from now on.

I shrugged. "Okay cool." I put the cigarette to my lips again only to discover it is nothing but a dying butt now. All that annoying back and forth made me forget about one of my last cigs. "Fuck, really, Kat?" I complained with a hint of playfulness at the very edge of my tone. I'm due for a pack on Sunday so I'll just have to hold out for a day or so. I pulled out the last one and lit effortlessly. Of course now it lights with no problem.

“Blame your own stubbornness. If you had just given me an answer the first time I asked, you could have smoked until your lungs gave out.” she retorted.

There was a moment of silence as I took my first drag. I could see her eyeing my cigarette, with disgust, if I had to guess.

“Gimme one of those.” She pointed to my pocket where the now empty pack was.

I shot a look down at her, my eyebrows raised. I chuckled in surprise. I didn't take her for a smoker with the way she talks about it. I guess she's one of those self-loathing nic addicts. Kinda same. I'm just not as loud about it.

"A little too late, this is the last one." I took another drag, staring mindlessly at the horizon in front of me.

“And?” she insisted as if that was a dumb response.

I gave her another weird look before it registered. Oh...okay.

"Fine." I gave her the cigarette I was smoking.

She grabbed the cigarette, maneuvering it awkwardly in her hand before settling it between her pointer and middle finger, the typical form. She brought it to her mouth and inhaled with a pained expression. She was barely a second in before she began coughing. Yup, she doesn’t actually smoke. Her sad attempt was endearing in an odd way. It was actually kind of cute. What am I thinking? She was intolerable a second ago. Stop that, brain. You’re being weird. Scolding myself inwardly distracted me from the fact that I was laughing at her outwardly. She rolled her eyes in response, annoyed at my amusement.

“Listen, people seem to smoke when they’re stressed and well, you stress me the fuck out so I thought I’d give it a try. Show me how to do it then, since you wanna scoff at me.” She handed the cigarette back to me before crossing her arms. I followed up her request with another chuckle, shaking my head at her.

“Are you sure you wanna be my friend? I’m already teaching you bad habits.” I teased, a smirk pulling at the corner of my lips. But I obliged and raised the cigarette to my lips obnoxiously slow and inhaled. I blew the smoke in her general direction and she swatted it away with a grimace.

“Tada…” I concluded sarcastically.

“Gross...you know what? Nevermind.”

We laughed in unison. It was followed up with a moment of quiet.

“Well, Edgelord, I’ll see you at the party. Try to smile a little when you’re there. It suits you way more than your resting bitch face.”

“I’m starting to think that you don’t remember my name either. Keep it fresh and switch it up once in a while. Try...I don’t know...buzzkill next, or something.” I criticized, a smile in my voice.

She tilted her head to the side as if to say “good idea”, before I put out my cigarette and headed inside with her.

#Okame's Underbelly #hitoshi shinso #shinso #mha #mha fanfiction #my hero academia #my hero academy fanfiction #shinso x oc #hitoshi #bnha #bnha fanfiction #boku no hero academia #denki #denki kamanari #mina #mina ashido

33 notes · View notes

altarflame · 4 years

Text

On Aging While Female

I’ve always felt pretty strongly that it’s ok to get old, that old women are beautiful in a really valid and striking way, blah blah blah. I still feel this way, but I am also 39 now, and I have some, uh, insights that I did not have yet when I was spouting this shit in my 20s.

For the record I don’t feel old. At all. I don’t feel like I look old, either. I have a lot of enthusiasm and energy and my sex drive takes up a massive lot of my consciousness for having so much else going on. I still get mistaken for my daughters’ sister pretty regularly, still have my patients assume I’m 10 years younger than I am fairly often. I’ve got a wide sense of possibility and of having a lot of life ahead of me, and I’ve got some perspective on 39 not even BEING old anyway, even if I 100% looked and felt it. I know too many hot, dynamic, interesting women in their 40s. They make it look good. They’re inspiring. I hope to do the same.

But ALSO. I didn’t use to get it, that like, YEAH OK being 80 and looking 80? Fine. Wondrous even. I am all the way here for the Iris Apfel, the Baddie Winkle, the Burning Lotus. Screw plastic surgery etc etc. ....but what about the transition? What about the starting to shift? This is the weird part, the struggle I didn’t really contemplate, the in between phase of like, appearing middle aged??? It involves things like, just looking tired to people. Someone assuming you’ve been sick when you haven’t. People thinking you look grumpy in a picture because of new lines that don’t go away. Realizing particular things that used to go away after being awake for awhile (like eye puffiness), are all-the-time things now. For instance, I’ve always thought long white/gray hair was gorgeous. Fuck, it’s a trend now for younger people to dye their hair that way. What I didn’t grasp was that one of my favorite things about how I look, historically, is the contrast between my very dark hair and my much lighter skin, and that with all the white clustering right at the very front, I lose a lot of that contrast. It kinda washes me out, at least comparatively. And the white hair is like, wiry wild, and goes all over the place of it’s own accord, which sounds great except that I’m trying to be a professional at least some of the time, now - one who doesn’t wear makeup or go to a salon and who still bites my nails and will only wear flats. So the fuzzy white hairs framing my forehead are not helping anything.

And so I started thinking, man, it would give me some polished cred, and it would bring that deep contrast back, to do something about this. Which is how I ended up slathering dark purple overtone on the front of my hair every few weeks - which works great by the way, all my white hairs turn dark purple and my still-dark hairs (which is the vast majority of my hairs) aren’t effected. It blends together invisibly indoors, but then the dyed hairs shine purple in sunlight. This has been going on for about a year now. It’s a good bridge between my personal aesthetics and my “part of a company” role, as a solution. The indian grandmother down the street from my last house? STUNNING with her brown skin and white hair. Truly. She had a Noxzema commercial kinda glamour that always struck me as she worked in her yard. It’s a different kind of contrast and one I can imagine rocking decades from now. Again, though, that is like.... finished? It’s not the in between place, of having 1/6 (or whatever) of dark hair be white, having them loose and randomized throughout and each bending away from the rest at odd angles. My (younger, did I mention) boyfriend is super into salt and pepper hair, he acted a little disappointed (in an encouraging, “it’s your hair” way) when I started the purple thing, and that’s something I appreciate but also I ACTUALLY RECOILED against the term “salt and pepper” and had never applied it to myself before it came out of his supportive mouth? God love him? That’s a Nana and Pa term, way back in my memory. Did I mention that my 33 year old boyfriend (not THAT much younger) works with a bunch of 19-22 year old women (....)? I’m secure enough that I’m objective, I talk about who’s hot with him, I feel like they seem young - to both of us - much more often than I feel like I seem old.

But it still makes me think about all of this more often than I would otherwise, which even in a neutral way, can turn sigh-worthy. Like his coworkers don’t have anything to do with me, but if he worked with people our ages (or older coworkers, like I mostly do) I wouldn’t be pondering all this so often because it just wouldn’t come up. Most of my friends are either exactly my age or 5-10 years older than me. And then there’s the one who’s in her 70s ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Like the other day one of his coworkers told him about a local 35 and under kink group, and luckily he automatically feels like he’d feel predatory being part of some fetish scene where he’s 33 and a bunch of the women are 18-25. But I was still double-taking inside myself for a moment, like excuse me, there are local kink groups I am too old to be a part of? Excuse the fuck out of me?

Note: I do not want to participate in local kink groups anyway.

It’s weirdly difficult to be comfortable with The Middle Part. Personally. That I can still look just like I did 7-10 years ago, IF I’ve been eating all the right things, getting plenty of sleep, it’s late in the day, and I’ve had sex recently; BUT that nobody at my job has ever seen that version of my face, because what I look like when I have to get up early and show up to print something is real goddamned different. And not what I want to be like, stuck with all the time, soon? But it is what it is. And it isn’t TERRIBLE, it’s just, thought provoking enough that I’m making this post. While glops of purple overtone sit on my head. FYI this stuff is great, it smells like mint and is deep conditioning, I really recommend it. It’s expensive if you have to wash your hair often, but I only wash my curls every few days anyway - and I’m really only using the overtone on the front - so it works out fine for me.

It’s strange to try to OWN a transitional time, to try to identify as a stage that signifies certain losses, and tends to make most people feel like they’re trying to “hold on” to various things. I’m pretty good about taking one day at a time. Being where and how I am. But I’m also gonna be, like, real sad when my titties drop. It’s almost a source of stress that they’re still amazing, because, you know, one of these times that my weight fluctuates they’re not gonna bounce back the same way. I assume. I have known a lot of moms who accepted and even promoted the normality of saggy post-nursing boobs, and that’s cool, but mine never sagged, and I’m real spoiled about it. It’s been a tepid surprise, that I think I look waaaaaay older in my business casual clothing, than I do in my personal clothing. It makes me not ever want to be seen out in work clothes unless I’m working. And that’s partially about struggling with “professional identity,” in general, but still.

Anyway - thus concludes my pondering, for today. Feel free to weigh in with messages or submissions if you feel so moved.

#personal #aging #feminism #aging while female #beauty

11 notes · View notes

wot-tidbits · 4 years

Text

Live Signing Session—Dragonmount Patreon Stream

SOURCE

SPOILERS FOR THE WHOLE SERIES!

QUESTION:

It has been 13 years since you were selected by Harriet to finish the Wheel of Time. After 13 years have passed, like, has the shock worn off yet?

BRANDON SANDERSON:

Yes and no. There are times when I look back and I just I’m like that was really a surreal event in my life. Nothing quite can ever compare to getting a phone call being asked to finish the Wheel of Time. I look back and I’m like how did that even happen?

For those who don’t know, I didn’t apply for it. Harriet just called me and it’s really, really strange. At the same time the fact that I am a best-selling author has kind of settled in because I have to deal with it every day and I’m very used to it at this point. And so the public’s attention being on me, I have gotten used to that. The fact that I got that random phone call still is really weird when you look back at. I don’t know if you have things in your life like that, where you’re like: “Man, that really happened!” That is really strange, like winning the lottery, right? I always describe it as winning the lottery that you didn’t know you’d entered. It’s more like actually getting an inheritance you didn’t know you were getting, but someone you loved of course had to die for you to get the inheritance. So it’s still wrapped up in weird emotions for me.

QUESTION:

The way that Harriet became aware of you was because her friend Elise Matheson was printing out blog posts and other news clippings that were online where there was a news report or tribute to Robert Jordan and yours was on that list and Harriet read that and ran with it from there. So it almost seems to me that you’ve written some amazing things, but maybe that blog post might have been the most important of your career in some ways.

BRANDON SANDERSON:

The single most significant three paragraphs in my entire career are probably that little blog post. […] The weird thing is that I was late. I spent about a week thinking about, “What do I write?” and everybody had tributes come out like the day after and I didn’t jump on that. You see me posting things later when I do blog post reactions. I often am like, “I want to think about this.” And so if I hadn’t waited who knows if that would have come up in the search results. First, because it was brand new when Elise was looking for things. Who knows, if I’d waited one more day it wouldn’t have popped up? If I’d written it the week before, maybe it wouldn’t have either. That’s just one of those things, right?

QUESTION:

What would you say to 2007 Brandon?

BRANDON SANDERSON:

I have read this book where you go back in time, and it never turns out well. I would not go back in time and say anything to myself because I would end up as my own grandfather somehow. And then I would need, like, Christopher Lloyd to show up and help me fix all the problems in my life.

But if I take it non-jokingly, I don’t know. I’ve never been asked this one before. It’s usually your young writer self, what would you say? I honestly have no idea. Maybe I would say it’s gonna be alright. You’re gonna do a good job. Don’t stress this as much as you are. But maybe it’s stressing it that made me do a good job? And I haven’t stressed over a book as much as those books ever. Except maybe my very first release with Elantris. But I am not high stress person, so even that level of stress is nothing compared to what I know a lot of other people stress about.

The nice thing is that by 2007 I was confident in my writing. There were things I needed to learn. There were going to be some hard things I needed to learn and I learned them over the next five years. And it was a tough growing period of writing.

I might say take another stab at Mat once you think you got him. Listen to Jason (Denzel) when he says Mat’s off. Because you (Jason) were the first to point that out to me. I might say Padan Fain. A lot of people are going to think there needs to be a little more. Can you write like 2000 more words on the Padan Fain narrative arc for a Memory of Light? Remember to do that. Brandon, they’re gonna split into three books anyway. Stop stressing about trying to get them all into one book. They are not gonna let that happen. Tor’s not gonna throw that money away. They are going to insist on three books. So plan it that way from the beginning and maybe the timeline issues and Towers of Midnight would have been solved. I’m mostly looking at warning myself to prepare things for the future.

QUESTION:

You and I have talked about that in the past. Rand had a very climactic moment at the end of The Gathering Storm. And then you had some moments but it largely became Perrin and Mat’s book in Towers of Midnight. And then we got back to Rand again…

BRANDON SANDERSON:

I actually like that breakdown. I don’t think I’d change that. I think that Rand in Towers of Midnight being a little bit like Rand in the Dragon Reborn where you’re getting some distance from Rand, because he’s gone through a major change and you’re seeing him externally for a little while.

Actually, I think that’s a selling point of the Dragon Reborn and I like having echoed that in my three, where you know that distance [is there] and then you get back in his head and you’re like: “No, this is the Rand I still love”. This is the same person, he’s just developed. He’s changed a little bit. And that distance, that time with distance, it just gives you a different perspective on the character.

Like I said you are in Rand’s head in the Dragon Reborn, but he feels like a different character, and then we get our Rand back in book 4. I really like how Jim pulled that off. I wasn’t doing that intentionally, but in hindsight looking back, it feels like the right way to do that.

I would try to fix the timeline issues though. I did a lot of work in the Gathering Storm when it was one book to overlap Perrin’s climax and Rand’s climax at the kind of center point of the story which became the two endings of Towers of Midnight and the Gathering Storm. And because those originally had been overlapping back and forth timelines and were split into two books—which again I kind of like how it went—it was clunky since it wasn’t designed that way from the get-go.

QUESTION:

About the deleted chapters you did for the charity novels and are there anymore that might appear?

BRANDON SANDERSON:

No, the only other scene I think I’ve mentioned before; I have like that brief like two-page scene where ladies weave the bridal wreath for Rand. I’ve talked about that before. That’s the only significant chunk they got cut that’s left and it’s only like two pages. The ones were like full things, so someday we’ll find a place for that. I don’t think we have yet, but someday we’ll find a place for that, but it’s only two pages. It is real short.

Did I tell you why that got cut? I should mention it. So it was actually really cool. I wanted to get Rand engaged, have the bridal wreath and have all three of them like weave it together and kind of use some Aiel tradition there and whatnot. And it was a really great scene. I enjoyed it. Everybody liked it.

Then we put the book together. Because often I will write—when I have a large number of viewpoints, I will write a chunk of viewpoints from a character’s viewpoint, and then at the end is when I really start putting things together and then I have to smooth between these things and make sure that the pacing is right. Because you don’t want all sorts of dry scenes together. You don’t want too many action scenes together, unless it’s at the end where you do want a lot of action scenes, and you want to kind of be bouncing back and forth. There’s just a rhythm and feel to it that usually I have a pretty good instinct [for] while I’m writing knowing how they’re going to fold together.

But once in a while you get something that just sticks out like a sore thumb and this was one. Because it was opposite the Talmanes’ scenes going in Caemlyn and like dramatic scenes of people getting stabbed by myrddraal and nearly dying and all this stuff. And it was more powerful stuff. It was really nice tense stuff and then you jump back and the girls were like “Tee-hee, I am like this branch that I’m weaving into the bridal wreath. It has thorns!” And it just did not work!

I’m making it sounds sillier than it was. It wasn’t that silly, but it did not fit thematically. Harriet was like “Oh, this does not match at all.” I’m like “Yeah, you are totally right.” So we cut that one up, which made me feel sad because I did want to get them engaged. I know a lot of people have been waiting for that, but it had to go just for the strength of the opening narrative. That one’s around. It’s fun. You can imagine [it] exactly as what it is. All three go out and gather different things to put into the thing and you don’t seem them gathering, they just come together and say “Here, I brought this. It’s a good match for us because of this” and they kind of weave it all together. Maybe someday we’ll get that but there’s not a whole lot left.

Getting the Perrin through the Ways out—like, I had wanted to find a place for that for a while because I really liked that sequence. I’ve mentioned before that when I look back at it, I’m like, “it needs a lot of revision,” so I actually had to spend a lot more time revising that sequence for the charity anthology than I did the other one, which I just kind of chopped up and it was good to go. Because that had lasted all the way until the last edit, but the Perrin scenes got cut out earlier after we did a bunch of just timeline rejiggering and things like that. Harriet had not been pleased with my depiction of the Ways, and looking back—I think I mentioned this in the Forward—she was right. And that took a lot of revision to make feel right, which I wasn’t planning on spending, like I spent two weeks revising that little sequence for the charity anthology, but I wanted it to be good.

It was fun because when I sent it to Maria to look through to make sure I hadn’t broken anything too big continuity-wise even though it’s not canon, she wrote back. She’s like “This was so nice, being able to actually read Wheel of Time and edit it again.” It was like a bright spot. And that’s kind of how I had felt on it. So it was nice to work on but it was way more work than I expected. The bridal scene will not get similar treatment if we find a place for it in a future Unfettered or something like that.

QUESTION:

Aside from that do you have other scenes still remaining, deleted scenes that could potentially see the light of day?

BRANDON SANDERSON:

I don’t think there is anything else at all. I don’t think there are even any scraps or fragments. Everything that Jim wrote I put in the book in some way. There is maybe some Q&A stuff that didn’t get in the book. In one of his Q&A’s with Maria in the notes he was talking about … No, no, this wasn’t from the Q&A. It was just notes from books back that they found dug in there that they were having Rand use the Choedan Kal. Jim had in the notes Rand using the male one at the end of the series but that one was destroyed. It was the access key that was destroyed. I’m like so do we find another access key or was this just old information contradicted other things? Because this was like he was writing book eight or something, he was thinking about doing that and they found a little note file for it. They’re like maybe we use these things, maybe we find another access key or whatnot.

There is stuff like that in the notes that would be fun to release. The fans could like imagine the what if because it’s entirely possible that rather than going with the Callandor solution, Jim would have gone with the Choedan Kal that he would have decided: “No, no, the right thing to do is to find another access key” or something like that or whatnot. And then you have a different twist on the ending using that. There are things like that that could be fun to see from the notes. I don’t know how much has been dug up, how much of it Harriet put in the library.

QUESTION:

Mat and Tuon are my favorite characters. Is there anything little or unknown about them that you can share with us?

BRANDON SANDERSON:

Everything I had from Jim that was in the notes I was given—now, remember, I had people look through the notes and give me the stuff that they thought was relevant, Maria and Alan did. So there’s entirely possibly like a lot of the things that are notes that I didn’t see were drafts of appendices that Robert Jordan added things to, and then taken out from like book 7 and 6 and 8 and stuff like that. And there might be things in there.

Everything I had either was in the books—or because that last scene was written by him, the one with Mat and Tuon in the epilogue—he had done a draft on that scene so I was pointing everything toward that scene to just get it in. So that I could drop it in as close as how he’d done it as possible. The only thing that I know is that Mat does go to Seanchan and that eventually he’s found in a gutter without his hat having gambled it all away. And he’s muttering “I lost it all” or “I gambled a lot away” or something like that. That’s in the notes for the outriggers.

The notes for the outriggers are three sentences and one of them is about Mat having lost it all. We can guess he goes to Seanchan. We can guess that he ruins, messes things up and then spends several books fixing them again which is how Mat basically rolls. That would be my guess.

We can guess that Perrin has to go. We think Perrin thinks he has to go to kill Mat. We don’t know but one of those sentences is Perrin is going travelling on a boat thinking about how he’s got to go kill a friend. So there’s got to be some tensions between the continents and things like that, and I would assume that hijinks ensued, but your imagination has got to go on this one. That is literally all I know about Mat and Tuon going forward.

Fun fact is that this was somewhere in the notes but they hadn’t shown it to me, I came up with a new name for Tuon and then Maria’s like: “Oh, Jim came up with one of these” and it was two letters off. We’d both come up with the like exact same new longer name for her. And that was cool, that I had been enough on the same wavelength. And we of course used his. But that’s kind of fun because I think we were both looking at the list of Old Tongue words and found something that worked together and came together and it sounds like fortune and that’s the same direction I’d gone.

Maybe he’d written something that had told me that I should go that direction but either way, that’s a fun thing. There is a little email from Maria saying: “Hey, we should use Jim’s name for this!” And then it was almost exactly the same. I felt very cool on that day. I can’t remember what mine is because Fortuona ended up in the book but mine also started with f, o, r and then I think I had an extra syllable in there and I had Tuon in there as well but maybe my ending letters to it were different or something, I can’t remember.

QUESTION:

I know you’ve spoken a lot about that you’ve read some of these early scripts and…

BRANDON SANDERSON:

Yeah, I’ve read the first six. Still haven’t seen seven or eight.

QUESTION:

I know you’ve had a chance to talk to Rafe (Judkins). I am really curious what your take is going to be and how you’re going to be involved or how, if I can use the word “possessive” of it, that you’ll be when they hopefully get to the end of this saga. When they’re in their season seven or eight and it’s covering your books and to see how much they keep and change. And how much they’ll have to change because their previous changes will lead to, you know, have ripple effects.

BRANDON SANDERSON:

This is uncharted territory for me. And I have no idea. It could be like Game of Thrones where despite the changes they stay pretty much according to what are the big events, so what I wrote ends up there. But it could go completely different.

As I’ve said to people, I envision this as a new turning of the Wheel. It’s the same souls but in a different actual turning of the Wheel. It’s not the one that Jim and I worked on. It’s a different version of it. And so some of the same events are happening, others are different and being rearranged and so. I don’t know. Like my experience has been fantastic working with Rafe (Judkins) so far. But the sum total of my involvement is: I talked to Rafe and tell him what I felt about various scripts and things. I went on set one time and I was mostly there so they could interview me for b-roll to use in their “making of” and to actually let me meet the actors and things like that.

I am not a significant player in the series. I don’t know, maybe they will want me to be more of [one] when it gets to my books. My instincts say that I will become less and less needed. And I am not even sure how much I was needed right now because Rafe knows, has a vision, and is doing a good job with it.

I’ve been in his shoes before but it’s almost like the handoff, at least the way it’s supposed to work, between past presidents where they like leave a letter and are there for a phone call if you have a question for them, but mostly you find your own way. And that’s kind of how it is with me.

QUESTION:

Did you ask them about having a cameo?

BRANDON SANDERSON:

I didn’t ask them about having a cameo, no. Maybe eventually in my own things I want to have a cameo but in the back of my mind I was like if I do a cameo I should do it when they get to the material I wrote. That’s more appropriate and so I haven’t asked for one yet. I hope the series takes off and then they get to mine and then we stick in a Brandon cameo.

For those who haven’t heard one of the things I want to do for my books when they get made is I want to die in various different—like I show up, I’m like the Kenny from South Park of the Cosmere or whatever. In every season there’s a version of me that dies in some horrible way, you know, just like a redshirt [from Star Trek] or something like that. I think that would be a lot of fun. You need people falling off the wall, getting eaten by koloss. I’m one of those people. Stuff like that. It just feels like revenge the characters could have on me and it could be this fun little thing. Stan Lee covered the cute cameo. I could cover the gruesome death cameo role.

QUESTION:

Having been through a full three books and years of working on it, what sort of high level general advice would you offer to the people, the writers in the writing room working on the series?

BRANDON SANDERSON:

I actually talked to Rafe about some of this stuff. Number one was of course, Mat’s harder to write than he looks. I actually did say ask Jason (Denzel). Mat is harder to write than he looks.

I talked about the kind of soul of the Wheel of Time. What makes the Wheel of Time work. I remember talking to him about the interview that I heard with Jim where someone asked him summarize the Wheel of Time and he hummed and he didn’t want to do it but he eventually said what it’s like to be the normal person and be told you need to save the world. They put that burden upon you that you’ve got to save the world and you’ll probably die doing it and it’s not a burden you wanted. What do you do with that? If there’s a core theme of the Wheel of Time it is either that, or the core theme of old things become new and new things become old, used in interesting and different ways both with the characters and the world building and things like that.

I talked about some of that stuff. But really what worked for me and what anyone has to do who’s in this situation is read through the books, feel the books and then try to have that in mind when you’re working on it. Anytime I started to get lost, I just went back to the books and read what Jim had written and it pulled me back in. When I was working on—and I reread the Eye of the World when I was working on the deleted scene we talked about—it threatened to do that to me again. I was pulled in I’m like “Ooh, this and that!” and the books are just so descriptive, with lush use of language in a way that never feels like it bogs down. You just have to go to the books. He won’t do it the way I did it and that’s all right as long as he’s going to the books and he’s like feeling the soul of those books.

-------

Huge thank you to @highladyluck for being my editor.

#Wheel of Time #SPOILER #brandon sanderson #WoT on Prime #TV series #wheel of time tv series #WoTonPrime #Wheel of Television

6 notes · View notes

thinking-in-symbols · 3 years

Text

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years. When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog. Today I thought I’d revisit that. I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames. I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station! Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this. I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things. I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic. But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm. “Proficient” is a relative term. But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages. I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this. If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused. More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what? I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial. So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish. I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently. Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room. So there’s more work to do. More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point. I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man. I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment. I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories! Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place. I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this. I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected. This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect. Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet. Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket. I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much. Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep! Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years. I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position. More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious. Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately. But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this. That’s a cool idea. I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle. I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money. No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop. That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career. Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others. No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope. I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird. Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right? Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating. So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it. I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues. Just kidding. But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done! Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French! But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao. I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself. How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post. But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done. I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever. I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this. I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive. But a van? Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort. This has actually been front-of-mind for a while. I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point. I do have other thoughts on this, though. Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term? Three months? If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school. However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet. I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through. We’ll see where this goes. It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done. It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes! :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about. I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated. But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing. So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years. Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it! Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-)

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet. I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat. Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad! I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”. I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself. The point is, they got done. That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships. I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying. And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life. I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh. I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing. I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect. These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life. I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap. Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change. I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds! Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development. The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort. For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point. It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two. The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science. Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas. I mean, I’ve done some. But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree. I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school. Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now! So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list. I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate. I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more. I know what I need to know. It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news. I’ve always been scared about entering the working world. All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have. But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term. So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done. What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished. I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest. But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life. Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK. There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames. Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

2 notes · View notes

princecharmingmendes · 5 years

Text

Paris | Day Two

When your parents decide to travel with your best friend’s family that you haven’t talked to in a while, who you have a massive secret crush on, what could go wrong, right? Right?! (best friends to lovers)

*Word Count: 2,5k

*Warnings: cursing, drinking, and I guess that's it.

*Posted: December 12th, 2019.

day one

-*-

Sleeping is amazing. Probably one of the best things on the planet. And I swear to God that this is one of the comfier beds I’ve ever laid on, and I would spend the whole day laying on it. And that’s exactly why I completely ignored Shawn alarm on the other room and nuzzled my face even more in the pillow I was hugging tightly, zoning off again.

“Y/N?” Someone I am going to murder somewhere outside my room called and I only groaned in response.

Silence. Also something great to add to my sleep.

“Oh, c’mon, Y/N, get up” Shawn’s voice said a lot less muffled by the walls, sounding almost as if he was in here with me “honey?” This time I felt his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly, and that’s when I opened my eyes.

Shit, this isn’t a dream, he’s in here.

“Hm?” I only hummed in response, closing my eyes again.

“Get up, we have breakfast”

“Mhmm”

“Since when you’re that hard to wake up?”

“Since this bed is nice and I’m tired” I said with the sleepiest voice possible, and I’m pretty sure he couldn’t understand everything in that sentence.

“Okay” he said and I was already happy that he was going to give up on me and leave me, but than the mattress behind me sunk with his weight and I felt him getting under the duvet with me.

“Whatcha doin’?” I groaned annoyed.

“Making sure you’re getting up” he said wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back flush against his chest, making me hold my breath involuntarily.

“Mhm” I said closing my eyes again, but when I was about to fall back asleep, his hands lifted my shirt a little to expose my stomach and started tickling me, making me shrink against his chest, trying to avoid his hands, bursting into laughter “no, no, no, no, no, please stop”

“Say you’re getting up and I’ll stop, baby”

“Please, Shawn, please stop”

“Just say the words”

“I’m getting up, please” I said whining between giggles and trying to breathe all at the same time, and the tickles stopped magically.

“There you go, honey, see, that wasn’t that hard” he said chuckling softly and placing a kiss at the back of my head.

“I hate you” I said trying to catch my breath.

“I know you don’t, now turn around for me, honey” he said and I did it, regretting instantaneously.

Okay, nothing new when it comes to me saying that he’s the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever met, but seeing him like this is just cruelty. The room was not bright enough for me to see the details, the only source of light was the door between our rooms since he had already opened his curtains. But even like that, he could kill someone. His hair was a mess, his curls were everywhere, his face was lightly flushed, he wasn’t wearing the hoodie that I saw last night, making my mouth go dry with the sight of his bare -built like a god- torso, but still looking so soft since he just woke up.

“Hi” I said extremely softly, scared to say anything else that could ruin the moment, where I was laying in his arms, his body warmth making me wanna stay forever like this.

“Hi” he said flashing me those perfect aligned teeth “good morning, honey, are you ready to get up?”

“I wasn’t, but now I am” I said getting out of his embrace and sitting on the bed, rubbing my eyes “do you know what’s the plan for today?”

“I guess we’re going to the Eiffel Tower and than grab lunch, and maybe later to a museum of something like that”

“Okay, I’m gonna shower and get ready, the one that gets ready first goes to the other room?”

“Deal” he said getting up and going back to his room, closing the door lightly, not locking it.

It took me around twenty minutes to shower and change into my outfit for the day when he knocked. I was sitting in the sink applying some make up with the bathroom door opened and some Britney Spears song playing in my phone.

“Come in”

“Hi, honey, ready?”

“Almost” I said applying the fifth layer of mascara carefully to not look all stuck together.

“Okay, he said and threw himself on the bed again.

Five minutes later I left the bedroom and grabbed my cute winter boots, putting them on and patting Shawn’s leg for him to get up.

“Let’s go” I said grabbing my purse and tossing my phone and keys inside it.

So we went downstairs to have breakfast and we met my sister and Aliyah, so we ended up eating together. And forty minutes later we were walking to the Eiffel Tower with our parents and laughing. We ended up taking amazing pictures, and Flo convinced me and Shawn to take those cute couple pictures to copy one that was right beside us, which resulted in cute pictures but extremely funny memories.

Then we had lunch and headed to Musee d’Orsay, where we got to see amazing artwork and obviously, more goofy pictures. After that, we got to the subway and got to the hotel pretty quickly.

“Okay, kids, we’re too tired to leave and go somewhere to eat something, so we’re going to our rooms and meet here tomorrow? We’re going to Versailles Palace at 10”

“Deal, goodnight” I said as they got in the elevator.

“What are you guys doing? I don’t feel like dressing up and shit, but I still wanted to go somewhere and grab something to eat” Flo said and Liyah nodded.

“We could go to that market on the next block and grab some stuff and eat upstairs” Shawn said.

“That’s actually nice, dude” I said and he stared at me.

“Hm, okay, I’m just going upstairs real quick to change my shoes, these are killing me” Liyah said.

“Oh, I’ll go with you, my phone’s dead”

“Of course it is, you spent the day listening to music, how could any battery last, Flo?”

“Kiss my ass, Liyah”

“Language!” I said as both got in the elevator and Flo just gave me a cynical smile “do you want to go upstairs or... what?” I asked as a noticed that he was still staring at me with a funny expression.

“Did you just ‘dude’ me?”

“Hm, yeah, I guess, what’s wrong?”

“‘Dude’? Seriously, Y/N?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“I’m not just your dude!”

“You’re not?”

“No! I’m... I’m... I’m more special than that! I’m your best friend!”

“I know that, sweetie, of course you’re more special than that, but why can’t I call you dude?”

“You can, it’s just, oh, forget it”

“Shawn... it would be weird if your girlfriend called you that, but I’m just your friend”

“First of all, I’m single, just for the record, and second, you’re much more than just my friend, you’re you!”

“Okay, sorry for calling you ‘dude’, Shawn” I said giggling to cover the butterflies fighting to get out of my stomach.

“Okay, I’ll forgive you if you give me a hug” he said and I just wrapped my arms around his middle, laying my head on his chest and he did the same, rubbing my back up and down, making me wanna melt in his embrace and just stay there forever.

“You’re cute” Liyah said approaching with a huge shit eating grin in her face.

“I know” Shawn said flashing a cocky smile.

“Wasn’t talking about you specifically, but you both, as a couple” Liyah said rolling her eyes.

“We’re not a couple, kiddo”

“But you could be” Flo said winking.

“Not really, we’re best friends since I was born basically, he has a girlfriend, and we don’t have this kind of feeling for each other”

“Honey?”

“Hm?” I said leaning my chin on his chest, to be able to look at his face.

“I’m single”

“Oh, sorry, but anyway, hmm... we’re just friends”

“Yeah, we are just friends, Liyah”

“Can we just go? I’m starving” Flo said.

“Sure, let’s go” Shawn said grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the lobby and to the street.

“Hey, be careful, I’m not a doll”

“Sorry” he said giving me a sheepishly smile, scratching the back of his neck.

“It’s okay, big guy”

“What are we eating again?”

“Maybe we could get a few croissants and some cheese, and wine, I don’t know”

“That would be nice” Flo said smiling “some chocolate too, right?”

“Yeah, sure” Shawn flashing her a smile and Flo chuckled.

“That’s why I love you, Mendes”

We reached the market pretty quickly with light chatter and giggles, and Shawn kept me incredibly close the whole time. Like, literally, he would never let go of me. If I was trying to reach the top shelf, he would come from behind me, lay his hand on my waist and then grab the thing for me. And this is just driving me insane. Especially now that I know he’s single. Shit.

So we ended up with a few different types of cheese, bread, chocolate and candy, and of course, we bought soda for our sisters and three different kinds of wine. Obviously not all for today, but maybe for different occasions, and they were all cheap, so whatever. We headed back to the hotel and went back to our bedrooms to shower and change into something comfier.

About an hour later we were all gathered up on Shawn’s room, spread on the fluffy rug near the balcony, so we could see the tv and the beautiful view his room had. We were on our second glass of wine and stuffed with food, laughing about silly stories of our early lives. I was laying on the ground, with my head on Shawn’s lap, Aaliyah was leaning with her back against the wall and Flo was laying on the ground with her feet against the wall.

“So... everyone here is single?”

“I guess so”

“Guys! This is the first time in years that this happens!”

“Hm, yeah...? Should we all cry together to celebrate how we are all alone?” Flo said chuckling.

“You’re so dramatic!” I said laughing

“She’s your sister, of course she is”

“Shawn!” I said smacking his chest playfully.

“What? I’m not a liar, baby” he said with his face a little flushed due to the wine, and suddenly, the room fell incredibly quiet and I could feel all eyes on me.

“So, we are all single, we should go out sometime, like we used to do”

“Yeah, we definitely should!” Shawn said grinning.

“Okay, sure”

“Everybody shut up, I love that movie!” Flo said rising from where she was sitting on the floor, moving to the spot in front of the TV while Coraline played on the background, making everyone chuckle.

“Honey?” Shawn said barely a whisper a few minutes later, starting to play with my hair.

“Hm?” I only hummed in response, closing my eyes.

“My back kinda hurts, do you mind if we move to bed?” He asked softly, still running his fingers through my hair and I just shook my head and sat, getting up and crawling in his bed.

“You’re making yourself at home, right, Y/N?”

“I’m tired, Florence, fuck off” I said nuzzling my face deeper into the pillow.

“Where’s your room? Why don’t you just go to bed, we don’t mind if you’re that tired”

“It’s the one beside his, through that door” I said pointing to it and they both eyed me curiously.

“Really? Isn’t that funny?”

“What’s funny?” Shawn said sitting beside me with his back against the headboard and placing my head on his lap again.

“The fact that you too are inseparable again in less than 24 hours and extremely touchy, and your rooms are next to the other, I mean... you guys would look amazing together” Liyah said turning back to stare at us and I could feel my whole face burning.

“Liyah, we’ve always been this way, that’s just us, okay? We’ve been best friends forever, and she clearly said that is literally all she’s ever felt for me, so just drop it, okay?” Shawn said and I sat up to just stare at him.

“What I felt? Have you ever... I don’t, felt something different than this?”

“Me? No, I love you, like, so much, but it’s not like that, ya know... I just don’t want you to leave me” he said and I nodded, laying back and closing my eyes again.

“I would never leave you, Shawn, don’t be dramatic” I said lazily and he just chuckled.

I never noticed that I drifted off, only moments later when I heard something shuffling around the room.

“So we’re going back to our room, we are really tired, are you going to let her stay?”

“Of course, I would never be able to deny her anything”

“Just be careful, don’t fall harder than what you already did, bro, I don’t know if she feels the same”

“Me neither, she never talks to me about this stuff, ya know? And I’m her sister, for Gods sake”

“Yeah, I know, but I love her, I always did and always will”

“Yeah, whatever, we’re heading to bed, you should do the same, goodnight, Shawn”

“Night, Mendes”

“Goodnight, lemme take you guys there”

And with that, I heard nothing more, just the click of a door, and that’s when I knew I was asleep. Shawn is not in love with me or whatever. That must have been the craziest dream in my like.

“Honey?” I felt something caressing my face forcing me to stir awake “honey, it’s one in the morning, I didn’t want to wake you, but also didn’t want you to feel awkward in the morning since you never told me if you wanted to sleep with me... I mean, here”

“Hm, okay, I’m getting up” I mumbled with my face buried in the pillow.

“Do you want to stay?”

“No, I’m getting back to my room” I said sitting on the bed rubbing my face.

“Do you want me to carry you there? I don’t mind”

“No, it’s okay, I’m fine” I said stretching and getting up, grabbing my phone from the floor and turning around to say goodnight, but almost chocking at the view.

He was shirtless, with his flannel pijama pants hanging low on his hips and with the ends of it tugged in his socks. He looked so effortlessly hot that it hurt. He’s just like a freaking Greek God. Like, holy shit, who looks like that?

“You sure? You’re just standing in the middle of the room”

“Yeah, totally fine! Oh, do you need help cleaning the room?” I said looking around and seeing it was spotless.

“The girls helped me”

“Now I feel worthless”

“No, you’re just tired and none of us had the heart or the need to wake you”

“Oh, okay, I’m going to bed, I’m sorry for not helping at all”

“It’s okay, goodnight, honey, now come here and give me a kiss”

“Goodnight, Shawn” I said hugging him and kissing his collarbone, which is what I could reach and he laughed, kissing the top of my head and then letting me go.

And I just went back to my room, with butterflies flying on my stomach, but I was really tired to fight them, so I just crashed on bed and slept.

-*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I'll know if I'm supposed to keep posting this series thing.

*I'm sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it!

*xoxo*

-🌙

-*-

89 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 4 years

Text

986

Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? Nope. I’ve never been musically-inclined and it’s always been impossible for me to pick up skills in any instrument, even if we had music classes in my old school from first grade all the way up to senior year.

Are you one of those people who always tend to think critically in issues? Yes. Sometimes my emotions would want to take over, but at the end I always prefer to be skeptical, ask a lot of questions, and see all sides in an issue. I feel like critical thinking is such a big part of the degree I took up anyway, especially with all the hullabaloo about fake news and which news sources to trust, so...

Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? I can remember a few girls from my high school but they could have changed within the last four years. I remember several girls and boys from college, too.

When was the last time you had any kind of pork? What kind was it? Last night. Pork belly.

Are you someone who normally eats a full breakfast every single morning? No, not normally. If I wake up feeling a little better than usual I’ll go downstairs and get some bread and eggs, but most of the time I skip all meals except dinner.

Do you believe vampires are real? No.

Are you someone who has to hide the things you like around friends? Sometimes, just because I genuinely want to keep some things that I enjoy to myself. I also have some interests that are a little uncommon and simply won’t make for a productive or fun conversation, like wrestling, so I don’t raise topics like those around my friends. ‘Hide’ is a little harsh, though...my friends certainly don’t make me feel like I have to hide my true self. At the end of the day I just like keeping quiet about my interests and letting others have the spotlight.

Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterwards? Yeah since middle school lol. I still remember how big of a sin it had felt when I typed in a URL for the very first time. Anyway, I wouldn’t say I was ever a porn addict but I did have phases where I’d watch nearly everyday, and then stop for months, and then repeat the habit again.

What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? Cat-calling is one of them < Jesus, I remember how catcalling was such a pre-Covid norm...one of the very few reasons why I’m glad to be staying at home.

Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? Teleport. I don’t think freezing time will help me especially if it’s to be stuck in a happier moment; I’ll have to unfreeze in the end anyway, and it’s just a sucky truth that I have no control over. I feel that teleporting has a lot more uses, like skipping traffic lol.

Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of it. The only Twister that comes to mind is the party game.

Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? We always get devastating hurricanes a few times a year but my family and our home has always been on the fortunate side since my parents made sure we relocated somewhere that wasn’t prone to floods. The old house we used to live in, though, is super vulnerable to typhoons and it has definitely flooded all the way up to the ceiling there before. It’s a big reason why we moved.

Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? I wasn’t fed bacon as a kid, so I guess not.

What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? Jollibee, and this is a hill I would happily die on.

Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? No. I like to hold out belief for aliens, but I wouldn’t want to immediately assume that they would be the colonizer type.

Are you someone who always looks for sales when you go shopping somewhere? I don’t actively seek them out, but if I spot an item I like that’s on sale then I’m more likely to buy them and just consider it my lucky day, heh.

Are you constantly re-arranging your bedroom? Or do you not like change? I only do once every few years. The last time I did was a couple of weeks ago; the last time before that was 4-5 years ago.

Who would you consider the best teen actor or actress out there now? The only one I could think of is Jacob Tremblay, but I’ve only ever seen him in Room and that movie’s five years old now. Oh but Iain Armitage is amazing too.

When did you last cuddle up next to someone and watch a movie? Start of the year would be my best guess.

Where would people most likely find you out on the weekends? Just home, unless my family or friends made plans to go out. For the most part though, I like catching up on rest after a week of school/work.

Do you like the school you attend or is it just pretty bland to you? I loved my university. The atmosphere there felt extremely freeing and nobody gave a shit about what anyone wore, what pronouns people prefer for themselves, etc. It was such a beautiful place to explore and figure myself out in the last four years.

Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? I don’t think I’ve been to a parade.

What is your favorite childhood memory? Who did you share this with? Playing outside nearly every afternoon, then going home for dinner and alternating between Nickelodeon, Disney, and Cartoon Network because our favorite programs were all over those three channels. I shared these with my neighbors (for playing outside), and then with my siblings and cousins (for watching TV).

Are there any windows open in your house right now? Which ones, if so? A couple of my windows are open to let some of the cold air in.

Is it currently your favorite season? If not what is your favorite? Yes, I love the rainy season. I haven’t had to worry about sweating these days which makes life a lot less annoying.

Do you like soda pop? If so, which is your favorite and least favorite? Don’t those two words refer to the same thing? Lol but I don’t drink soda. I’ve tried so many times to get into it but it’s always felt like putting my tongue and throat on fire.

Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? I do it around family and close friends. They can burp around me too. Personally, I only find burping gross if it’s strangers that I catch doing it.

Do you have any siblings you’re embarrassed of being related to? A little bit but it’s whatever.

Which noises do you currently hear right now? Can you control those? There’s a Good Mythical Morning video from my phone, the fan whirring behind me, and a dog barking somewhere outside. The only noise I can’t control is the dog, because they aren’t mine and I don’t know which house they’re from.

What is one thing you’ve never understood throughout your life? Catcalling. Like, why?

When you see an old person do you think ‘sweet’ or ‘creepy?’ For the most part, neither. I’ve thought ‘sweet’ or ‘creepy’ about old people in the past, but they have to be doing something to cause me to feel that way.

What is it that makes old women want so many cats in their life? Company, I’m guessing. But I don’t think it’s fair to generalize old women lol.

How many times a day do you wash your face? Do you wash it really good? Once, when I take my daily shower. I’ve always had clear skin so I don’t like washing it too hard, or too much, or using products on my face. Just a few splashes of water have worked fine for my face in the last 22 years.

Would you consider yourself to have a boring life or a really exciting one? I’d say it’s generally exciting right now because a lot of changes are happening and I’m finally out of school and pursuing real jobs and everything, but Covid has definitely given it a boring turn.

Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? I’ve only done so with Carley. It’s not weird if you’re already close.

Who was the last person you kissed and why did you kiss this person? Gab. She was leaving.

How many fish have you owned in your lifetime, so far? Did they all die? We were allowed to own a lot of goldfish when we were kids but yeah, they’re all dead now.

If you were to get drunk right now, how would you most likely act? Cry, drunk text the wrong person, try to take the rest of this survey drunk.

How many people have you kissed in your lifetime so far? Who were they? One.

Are you going to post this on a social networking site after you take it? Yeah, that has always been the point of this Tumblr.

Is there something people in general do that bothers you a lot? This only applies to Christians, but being jerks and going back to their old ways immediately after attending church. I have never understood that, and never will. Like, why even attend???? What is your point of being there??

Has anything supernatural ever happened to you? What were these events? Nothing like seeing ghosts or whatever but I’ve had some odd premonitions before, especially on the day my grandfather died.

How many concerts have you seen so far in life? Were they good ones? I’ve gone to a lot of local gigs that feature popular local acts; the best ones I saw were Ysanygo, The Ransom Collective, and BP Valenzuela (who I’ve seen thrice, aaaahhhh). Foreign acts I’ve watched are Coldplay, One Direction (kind of twice, but it’s a long story), and Paramore (twice). I don’t remember disliking a singer or band that I’ve seen perform.

Do you like doing anything your friends wouldn’t expect you to do? Doing surveys is probs on top of that list, ha.

Can you sing very well or are you considerably tone deaf? I’m not tone-deaf, but I don’t have a talent in singing.

Do you ever look back on the past years and wish you could go back? Yes.

When will the next time be you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? I have no clue. Christmas is my best guess.

Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? Not so much, but investing on a turntable is consistently on my mind as I’ve always had a dream of collecting vinyl records.

When was the last time you bought new sheets for your bed? It’s been a while. Can’t remember.

#survey #surveys

1 note · View note

photosetart · 5 years

Text

The mistreatment of Hinduism

This is a post probably no one will read. But that is okay. I am writing it because I want it to be out there in the world.

I am a Hindu. So I will be largely speaking of the religion that I follow, but I suppose a lot of things apply to Buddhists as well because of the cultural similarities.

I want to write this because as a Hindu, it pains me everyday to see people talk left and right about cultural appropriation, yet not address why my culture is represented like this.

Cultural appropriation for me is about taking an element out of a culture, removing the cultural source from it's identity, and flaunting it.

I am not to say what is wrong and what is right, but god damn it pisses me off.

So I will do what I can do best about it- rant on the internet.

Yoga

Yoga is an ancient Indian practice that was scoffed at by every westerner until Indians made a move to prove that it is actually, medically valid. Then it exploded.

And, I am very happy about that. I really am. It is so nice to see people trying to do something from my culture, to respect something about it. But here is the thing- a lot of people don't actually respect it. Treat yoga as an exercise, or a part of your spirituality if you will. But don't cheaply imitate what yogis have been doing.

Which brings me to another point-

DON'T CALL YOURSELF A YOGI unless and until you are well-versed in the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of Yoga. Just practicing yoga as an exercise DOESN'T make you a Yogi.

Namaste

Do you know that not even most Indians greet each other by Namaste? So why would you casually use this word as a synonym for 'Hello'? It really isn't that. Now this one isn't 'wrong' , of course. But still, if you have to use this word, it would be good if you know what it meant.

In Hinduism, it means "I bow to the divine in you".

No, it doesn't mean 'Hi'.

Third-eye

Oh this one makes me hella angry. People use the word third eye as casually as their normal eyes, as if this has not been part of both Hindu and Buddhist traditions for Gods know how long.

This word means 'eye of insight'. As Wikipedia says, 'The third eye refers to the gate that leads to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness.'

The opening of the third eye is symbolic to achieving spirituality in many parts of India. And sometimes of Shiva's godly wrath.

So, no you cannot casually roll your third eye.

Swastika

Yes, Hitler used it. Yes, it is an evil sign standing for the slaughter of millions of people.

But that is the inverted Swastika.

Swastika in Hinduism and Buddhism is an extremely important religious symbol. You can't expect a billion people to abandon something so very close to them because someone made it stand for something different.

Not one Hindu looks at a Swatika and goes, 'Huh, that stands for genocide.'

Not to us, it doesn't. We use it in our festivals and during our rituals and during our ceremonies. And we are not trying to disrespect the memories of the people who died. But that symbol was long before the Nazis, hundreds of years before them.

And it is not even the same thing. And Hitler's representation of Swastika is just another point in a long list of why I hate him.

There are so many things like these.

I don't expect anyone to do deep research for every single thing that they are unsure about. That would be extremely stupid on my part.

But, if we are screaming cultural appropriation, let's be more inclusive. Let's call out stuff that actually needs to be stopped instead of stuff like 'Hymn of the Weekend'.

Wear lehengas, or saris, or bangles, or whatever you want to wear. Wear it the way you want, just respect it while wearing it.

Just because my skin is brown, and I was born into Hinduism does not give me sole rights over this culture's elements. It would be a shame if no one ever got to experience what being in this culture is like.

But experiencing it as a part of the culture, or at least being respectful while you use some things is the least anyone can expect of anyone. What does respect even entail?

It just means keeping in mind that there are people in this world who have deep love for their religion heritage and culture, they identify themselves with it. You don't need to do things the exact way they are doing. You don't need to wear a sari exactly like Indian wear it. Your sindoor could be blue.

It sounds weird, but if you are mindful of not hurting people and actually try, to me that is enough.

Of course, it doesn't apply to only white people. As a brown person, I can't go on using African traditions just for fun. Or I can't start pretending I am Jesus.

That would be deeply hurtful.

At the same time, I do feel that we shouldn't over-identify ourselves with our race, heritage or culture. But, that doesn't mean it's no part of my identity at all.

Hate a culture. Love it. Feel meh about it.

But, respect it all the same.

#hindu #hinduism #hindugods #hindu art #hinduculture #yoga #yogalife #yogalove #yogainspiration #namaste #namaskar #india #indian #culture #cultural appropriation #rant #ranting #sorry for the rant

655 notes · View notes

aether--system · 5 years

Text

Arguments? In the DID Community? It’s more likely than you think

Don’t scroll away!!

Okay so I know this is Controversial Stuff, but please read this!

It’ll mean a lot to us.

And it’s not a mean post.

People change, and anger is reconciled. We’re now able to see this argument with more neutrality, so I’m just gonna analyze this situation, then give our opinion at the end.

The primary issue is between traumagenic systems and endogenic systems

Our definitions:

Traumagenic- comes from trauma

Endogenic- comes from within (ie, without trauma)

System- person with alters

The Traumagenics do not think the Endogenics should be in the same community as them, and should stay away from all System media. They think that the Endogenics should not exist since they claim to be trauma-free.

The Endogenics do not want to be isolated, and they continue to exist despite the Traumagenics’ displeasure. They do not know exactly how they came to be this way, but here they are.

People are starting to get real fighty about this, and it’s gotten boring and annoying, tbh. Everyone has said what they have to say, and now it’s just gone to name calling.

It’s made us (a Traumagenic) become detached from the community. A community we should feel proud of.

But now that means we can look in more on this argument and really pick at it from both sides.

So here’s our opinion; the opinion of a Liberal Arts 5th year undergrad specializing in art and psychology with a strong backing in biology:

Keep in mind, this is our opinion.

Our

Opinion.

As blunt and unusual as it is.

Not facts.

So don’t come trying to fight with us.

And for the love of Deities, don’t bring gender into this.

This is nothing like the topic of gender.

We need more research in Endogenics. Frankly, there’s no other way to put it. All we have about these people are some articles from religious hoots on a sketchy-ass website. Nobody is gonna listen to that!

I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but we need real articles/research from people with real degrees and real credit in the field of psychology. That’s the only way that we will get both sides of this conflict to be resolved. Like a peace treaty.

We do not need more fights. Legit.

I know that there are really awful attitudes on both sides. There are extremists on both sides.

But now is a time to shut up and begrudgingly read the other’s side of the argument to learn about them. To try to see where they’re really coming from (thought pattern wise).

Additionally, we do believe that some Endogenics are actually Traumagenics who are in flippant denial of their trauma. They will come to that realization on their own and realize that they made themselves look like a total moron on social media. But, some Endogenics really do seem to press on and appear genuine. That’s made us curious. So now we’re going read some articles and websites on Endogenics to see what’s up with them. Try to gather information and stories to try to gain a better understanding of them.

And while we do that, we’re gonna be constantly hoping that a real psychologist does a real study of Endogenics, so that we don’t have to fucking do it ourselves when we get our Master’s degree.

Just stop this fucking fighting. You’re turning beautiful things ugly.

Are you wondering what you could do now?

Here’s our advice:

Traumagenics: Anger is a big part of this for you. You feel invaded, and made a joke of. Take a step back and breathe for a moment. Try to identify and examine what makes you angry, never stop asking why, even to yourselves. Once you’re sufficiently clear-minded, start to read up on the other side of this fight. See what makes them tick, but in a polite way. There’s nothing bad about looking at the other side of a fence. You can pretend you’re a spy for us, and that you’re sneaking around in enemy territory; that might make it more enticing. Please send us good articles you find!

Endogenics: I know that you do not see your alters as a disorder. However, neurotypicals do not have alters. There must be something unique in your brain that makes you the way you are! If you’re seeing a good therapist or open-minded doctor for other ailments, please consider bringing it up as a study proposal. Or tell your psychology friends to reach out to their sources! It’ll be awesome to have something solid for your side and believable for the other side of the argument. In the meantime, please understand this; these people are lashing out at you because they are angry. Try to see where that anger is coming from. People aren’t just aggressive like this, no matter how much they want to believe that they are. They’re hurting somewhere, really really badly. This is the only way they can get that hurt out currently. If you can identify that right off the bat, their anger just seems like nothing anymore. And if there are articles you know of/find, you can send them to us too! (Thank you to those who have- we like to hoard information like the dragons we are lmao)

Both: We’ve seen some serious venom on both sides, dudes. Knock it off please. Try to isolate your emotions from your logical thoughts. Irrational Trauma Anger makes everything get twisted up and weird. Remove anger from your thought equation, and you’ll have an easier time with everything. And that’s something you can apply to daily stuff too!

And please remember! You can be nice to someone you disagree with!!!! People are not completely defined by one thing they disagree on!!!

A trait you share is being “systems”. That doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon. You’ll have to coexist, even if it’s begrudgingly. We’re not saying we’re pro- or anti- anything. We’re 3rd Party on this. I’m gonna think of a really cool name for it.

(TW) Trauma Dump

And don’t you dare come at us with trauma minimization bullshit or calling us fake. We have vivid memories of being drugged and raped by our uncle when we were 3 years old. And don’t get me started on the psychological warfare of our parents’ lengthy divorce. We’ve been recognized and diagnosed by multiple medical professionals throughout multiple medical fields. We have pinpointed traumatic events that caused some of the central alters, and we are recovering from all this as we can.

(End TW)

TLDR; Chill out and try to see where your enemy’s heart lies. See who they really are; behind the anger and hissing. Learn about the other.

And don’t forget that we’re 3rd party and do not wish to fight either side here. We’re Switzerland in this! Neutral! Party! We literally will not be mean to you unless you’re mean to us! That’s a promise!

Lastly, we apologize of you’ve narrowed down which vent blog is ours. Some of us were just really angry. Nowadays it’ll mostly be just vent art that’s not proper for our main blog lol

And yes, we did write this when we were very stoned and very coconscious.

Thank you all SO. Much for reading all of this ❤️

We love you all and thank you for 2k subs on here 😍

-The Aether System

86 notes · View notes

boyswanna-be-her · 6 years

Note

I have a crush on you but also LEAK THE SKIN CARE ROUTINE

I really hope you were serious, because this is something I’ve thought a lot about and I am absolutely going to use this ask as an excuse to go into a skin care deep dive.

Here’s a big-ol high-res picture of my mug for you to inspect.

I pay less than $15 for products that must last at least 3-4 months because I just… don’t have more money than that to throw at this hobby. I’ll link to everything I use and show you the price under the cut.

I only use four of these things below every day–but when I have time, I use as many of them as my skin calls for. I just wanted to show you the whole of my skincare arsenal so as not to be coy about it taking up space and time in my life and routine. It does, and I do work on it.

I’m 33, white with combination skin, lots of prior scarring from picking, lots of sun exposure (Florida!), and several minor autoimmune issues that impact my skin when my health is poor or stress is high. I am prone to whiteheads and inflamed pimples the week of my period.

You cannot buy, wash, treat, or hide your way to “perfect” skin. Airbrushed, poreless, whitewashed, glowing, moist, unwrinkled skin is a lie sold to us by makeup and skincare companies. There is no perfect skin–there is only skin.

But if you personally are unhappy with some aspect of your skin, you can develop habits that make you more comfortable with/proud of/happy with your skin, and that’s what I want to focus on here.

Though good health =/= clear and smooth skin in all cases, I am lucky to report that my skin looks clearer, smoother, and younger now that I’m not just generally near death all the time. The story would be very different if I struggled with, say, lifelong acne, or if I had a chronic health problem that I was not able to manage.

Skincare is a luxury of time, money, physical storage space, and mental space.

“Good” skin is a myth. Everyone’s skin is good skin. I started doing all of this stuff to my skin because I was dissatisfied with how much it HURT all of the time, and how flaky it was. Acne, scars, “discoloration,” different coloration, birthmarks, big pores, “craters,” uneven textures, dark hairs, thick hairs, skin tags, milia, blackheads, wrinkles, keratosis pilaris, freckles, and moles are all NORMAL skin types/features and don’t need to be “solved” if the possessor is unbothered by them. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LOOK HOWEVER YOU WANT.

I do this stuff because I like it, it helps my mental health to take care of myself with a routine, and it improves my physical quality of life. It helps me with some insecurities, but if that was the only thing it did for me, I don’t think I’d mess with it this much. When I’m not healthy, my skin is prone to deep cracking and flaking. I have always been self-conscious about redness in my T-zone and yellowness around my eyes (dear god, my poor, poor liver).

My skin has objectively cleared and smoothed and plumped up a lot because I smoke less, drink less, stay in mostly humid environments (because, again, Florida!), and have been managing my stress and autoimmune issues. These are all changes made in the last six months.

On top of those changes, on an average day when I’m actually taking care of myself, I use the following four steps in the order listed, once a day in the morning. I’m realistic that I’ll only do this once a day in the morning and anything more than that is just a boring time suck for me as a person.

1. COSRX Low pH Good Morning Gel Cleanser - 5 oz for $10.70 - one tube lasts me about 6 months. I use this in the morning and just thoroughly wash my face. It’s very mild and has a fresh citrus scent that doesn’t linger.

2. Kikumasamune Skincare Lotion - 17 oz $12.10 - one bottle lasts me 8-10 months. This is a fermented, watery product unlike anything I’d used before. It smells faintly like sake, bananas, and bubblegum (seriously). I decant it out of the big pump bottle into a little travel bottle. I shake a little in my hand and rub it gently over my whole face and eye area. Probably not supposed to do that, but I’m a rebel. It leaves my skin a little tacky.

3. Hada Labo Rohto Hadalabo Gokujun Hyaluronic Lotion Moist - 5.7 oz for $12.99 bottle, then 6.4 oz for $10.90 refill packages - 5 oz lasts me 3-4 months. I’ve honestly forgotten what this even does but it’s a nice, thick liquid, colorless and scentless, and I put it all over my face. Leaves my skin a little less tacky but still not slick/neutral.

4. Ladykin Fresh Strawberry Icing Gel Bar - 6.7 oz for $7.99 - one bottle lasts me about 5-6 months. Someone literally bought this for me as a gag gift because they knew I liked skincare and the bottle is… weirdly obscene. But it turns out that it makes a great moisturizer for me and it’s cheap as hell and smells like fresh strawberries so what’s the down side?

When I have time or when my skin really needs it, I also use the following products:

SHEETMASKS - Stop buying overpriced sheetmasks one at a time!!!! Leave that aisle at Target alone!!! I know they’re at the dollar store too–leave them alone!!! Those are cool if you’re treating yourself for special occasions, but I try to think of sheet masks as a normal part of my week. That means I’m not going to shell out $3-4 PER MASK if I’m using one or two every week!

The thing with sheetmasks is, in my totally nonscientific opinion, it doesn’t really matter what kind you use. The value is in plopping a bunch of moisture on your face along with cloth that simply forces that product into your skin. It’s the skin force-feeding concept that works more than the product itself. I think. I have no proof. I have made really moronic assumptions before.

That said, you’ll find ones that you prefer over others. Snail mucin ones don’t absorb nicely for me. Exotic animal-sourced ingredients (bee pollen, royal jelly, donkey milk, goat milk, snake venom, bee venom….) sometimes irritate my skin. Other people LOVE them.

I get sheetmasks in packages online, at TJ Maxx, and at Marshalls. I try to pay under 75 cents per mask, but lean more towards the 50 cent mark. TJ Maxx and Marshalls are great places to try out new masks–just look at the prices and the mask count and do a little mental math to make sure you’re not getting gouged.

A good place to start if you want to try sheetmasking is with the Dermal brand of sheetmasks (16 masks for $11 (68c/per), 24 masks for $14 (58c/per), 39 masks for $21 (54c/per). They’re basic and generally non-irritating with no scent and a thin formula that feels nice and leaves skin smooth and untacky. This is what I generally keep on hand.

I have a weird sense-memory thing with ginseng, so I also look out for Esfolio Pure Skin Red Ginseng Essence Mask Sheets. I don’t recommend buying from Amazon, as I am able to find these 10-pack boxes cheaper in person.

If I’m going to use a sheetmask, I put it on after I brush my teeth, wash my face, and put in contact lenses (doing them with glasses isn’t impossible–just messier). Then I make tea and just… do stuff with the dumb sheet mask on until it’s pretty dry (20-30 minutes). Then I take it off and rub the leftover mask on my arms and legs and chest like a weirdo, because it’s still full of product, and then I squeeze the leftover product out of the package and apply it to my face. Because I have the luxury of time but not money, I do NOT waste product.

AQUAPHOR - ~$14 for 14 oz - one tub lasts me through 18 months of travel, winters, and tattoos. Apparently everyone who lives somewhere cold already knows that you need to smother your face in petrolatum when it starts acting up or the weather is cold and dry, but this was shocking news to someone like me who was raised in Southern mall culture skincare routines. When my skin is cracked and bad, Aquaphor legit helps more than my prescription steroid creams. I put as much of it on my face as I can tolerate (it doesn’t smell like anything, but it does make you damned greasy) and then go to bed. Waking up with post-Aquaphor skin is like a miracle sometimes.

MISSHA M Perfect Cover BB Cream SPF 42 - $7.20 for 0.2 oz - This is a new purchase for me, as my favorite sheer, tinted one-tone-fits-all BB cream has been discontinued. This only comes in six colors, and most of those look like they flatter white and yellow skin–so this option won’t be perfect for everyone. I’m still in search of the perfect replacement BB, but this one works for now. In the picture at the top of this post, I’ve just done my normal 4-step thing and applied about a pump and a half of this BB cream all over my face.

***If you have actively flakey skin, I don’t recommend the MISSHA product as it does emphasize flakes and dry patches. Try COVERGIRL Smoothers Lightweight BB Cream (1.35 oz for $6.19) It won’t discolor and emphasize your flakes, if you get dried out during the day.***

I fell into the Korean beauty rabbit hole several years ago with @shrimoishere –who has been more consistent about these things and as a result has AMAZING SKIN. If you want to learn more about why this stuff works, and how it could work for your specific skin type, I highly recommend poking around r/AsianBeauty. I spent a ton of time researching products and about two years trying different things to figure out what would work for me. This has been a passive, slow journey, so I don’t think anyone who can afford it and would like to pursue it should feel intimidated by the perceived time suck. It’s just something cool to do in the background.

#Anonymous #long post

74 notes · View notes

scarlettlawyer · 5 years

Text

Part 9 of my reaction/commentary to the Phantoms & Mirages fanfic series by @renegadewangs

(Chasing Phantoms): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

(Haunted Specters): Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

(Vanquishing Mirages): Part 7 | Part 8

Welp. This is gonna be very painful for me on sooo many levels.

Hooo I kinda feel like I’m playing directly with fire in this post.

Now, it’s worth calling attention to the fact that these reaction/commentary posts are, first and foremost, built on my reactions to the source material. They are recounting the journey I, personally, went through as I read this series – that’s why I focus so much on my feelings and what I thought. There is more objective analysis at times, but it’s not the primary focus. Just in case you’re wondering why I’m focusing on myself so much and might get a little “omg can u shut up about urself and just get back to the story already???” pff. (And besides, more objective analysis is always inevitably filtered through the individual’s thoughts/mindset/perspective/preferences/etc anyway. So I’m basically just not even trying to tune any of that stuff out, as one would inevitably have to for a more proper series of reviews.) Ah… I hope reading in such depth about my personal rollercoaster journey is at least somewhat interesting. And not too boring.

…Yes, at the very least, I hope this post makes for a SOMEWHAT entertaining read.

That was part of my goal. Other than honesty to the point of self-sabotage.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 18

There’s a whole bunch of small things I could comment on in this chapter but I’m going to gloss over them instead. I… can’t bring myself to dwell too much on the “side-things” in this post, really.

So. The image of the phantom, sitting with his head in his hands as Bobby and Palaeno dote over him while the phantom just irritably tries to wave them off is just, everything to me. xDDDD One of my faaaaavourite things. And then the phantom just leaping to his feet like that… The entire scene I could just go on and on about it at length… But I won’t. xDDDD The best game of “how much of an uncomfortable situation and awkwardness can we possibly apply to our dear spy – having other characters dote to the point of it being outright patronising – and how will this near-emotionless man respond to such outside forces?”

Okay actually, I will ramble just a Little. “Bobby and phantom = mother and child” is one of my favourite dynamics in this whole series. Bobby in this scene is just No. 1 Mum and it’s aaaall of my yes. So the phantom is forced to play the role of the child once more at this point in the chapter. The reality is that he’s a convicted criminal and therefore cannot be trusted on his own, hence requiring a bathroom escort. But he might as well be a helpless little child who requires adult supervision, as is the norm with children – this is the other amusing lens through which you can joke about Blackquill needing to lead the way there for him.

With that, Simon turned and led the way towards the door. The Phantom followed, as obedient as could be, and Fulbright looked like he was about to do the same.

The “as obedient as could be” gets me every damn time, ahahaha. Because it really feels to slot him firmly into that “child” role. Being a good little child. For now. His major modes seem to be “obedient child” (e.g. “Sam Specter” doing the dishes in Haunted Specters if you wanted to push it) and of course the classic “petulant child”.

“Am I still meant to thank you for saving my life?” “Would it have even the slightest shred of sincerity to it?” Simon questioned. “Of course not.” “Then, no.”

THIS IS RIGHT UP THERE WITH SOME OF MY FAVOURITE PHANTOM EXCHANGES IN THIS SERIES.

“A fool, but not worthy of the title Fool Bright. Isn’t that right?” The Phantom managed some sort of failed echo of a smile. A smile that wouldn’t convince anyone who saw it. The words struck Simon as odd. Before the Phantom regained his memories, he would choose Fulbright’s side and use an almost defensive attitude to protect the man. Now that the lost year had returned to him, things seemed different.

Just. Shoot me. Please.

So I guess. Maybe he’s still trying to determine if Simon might be hurt the same way he’s sure Bobby will be?? I guess??? Perhaps… his words aren’t so much about how the name “Fool Bright” impacts him personally, but from his perspective… Simon calling him “Fool Bright” could imply that capacity for him to get deeply hurt by the phantom’s death, that Simon might also have some kind of attachment to him like Bobby does but is less obvious about it, and the phantom obviously doesn’t want that. So I guess his goal here… is possibly trying to determine if Simon has any sentimentality towards him that also needs to be stomped out for Simon’s own sake??

“You need to watch your tongue, Phantom. One might almost accuse you of being jealous.”

Me: um dude did he just. Go there? Did Simon really just- nah that can’t be right, I’m just reading things into his words that aren’t there you know-

“Your relationship? You believe I hold romantic or even sexual interest in you?”

Me: OH. OH OKAY. SO I GUESS WE’RE JUST? I GUESS SIMON REALLY WENT THERE HUH AND THE BOTH OF THEM ARE JUST NOT SHYING AWAY FROM THIS TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. THEY’RE JUST MEETING THIS TOPIC HEAD-ON. WELL. OKAY THEN!

The sheer level of whiplash that this turn in their conversation had on me- I had literally only just been joking with my friend about the parent-child dynamics present among the trio from EARLIER ON IN THE SAME CHAPTER as I’d been reading through it.

The scene just. Ends on that line. Wild enough on its own.

And then it. Bobby. The next scene. H. And then the ffffffffffffff

Chapter end.

Me:

“DOES ANYBODY WANNA TELL ME WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED???????”

And on that absolutely wild note, Vanquishing Mirages draws to a firm close. It was a little bit strange that this scene never gets revisited or expanded upon moving forward, but that’s no matter. I’m sure it was an innocent writing oversight. At least this fic managed to go out with a huge bang! Turns out that thanks to Simon, the phantom had been saddled with unnecessary feelings! Hahaha, what do you know! Sooo, that about wraps it up for me and my reaction/commentary/review for this post folks, I wish anyone reading this all the best! So next up, we have Lifting Spirits! Going into Lifting Spirits, the title already has a positive touch to it, and well, we’ll just have to see what else it has in store. Cya!

Ah… I guess this post is a little short to just leave it at that then, isn’t it? Very well. Continuing on with the very next chapter that happens immediately after this one, as we begin the new fic:

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 1

He was just watching a documentary on the Tasmanian masked owl when the doorbell rang.

Hahaha omg that is such a Simon thing to do

A bit irksome, but then again, he was fairly sure he’d already seen this footage before.

Dfkjsfjksdf BIG NERD. BIRD NERD.

THE WHIPPED CREAM AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE COMMENT FROM BOBBY djdjnk GOODNESS ME. I wonder if we’ll get any further allusions to what his relationship with Domestique was, ahem, possibly like in future!

And there’s also th

OKAY FINE.

[sigh] FIIIIINE.

Finishing the Chapter 18 review then.

Well my first incredulous reaction was something like, “Are you… serious. Did we not just spend like… Two entire fics playing around with the notion that “Blackquill is Basically the phantom’s dad”???? And then you turn around and do this? HOW IS THE READER SUPPOSED TO FEEL ABOUT THIS? NARRATIVE CAN YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIIIIND? ARE YA REALLY GONNA MAKE A PLAY AT THIS AFTER ALL THE PARENTAL DYNAMICS THAT WERE INTRODUCED?

It’s… Oh my god.

But then again.

It wasn’t like these themes hadn’t been introduced before. The first fic in the series felt so far away, out of reach, and from so long ago (and I’ve already gone over how separated it felt from the rest of the story on first readthrough so I needn’t do so again)… But I had some vague recollections you know. The main thing that stood out to me was Blackquill’s confrontation with the phantom before the phantom allowed himself to fall from the apartment window. Where Blackquill basically Trump Cards the phantom with “Ha! You’re totally into me!” and the phantom went “oh god you’re right” and was soooo ruined over the idea that he was apparently ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE that he was like whew! Think I’ll be taking my leave now and never seeing or needing to speak to you or anyone else again, so great is my mortification! And then he went BYE BYE out the window, the end. That’s Totally what happened, right? And even if that’s not exactly how the scene went, I knew, for some reason(s) that I couldn’t quite remember at the time, that the phantom having a Thing for Simon during the first fic was indisputable. (WE WILL GET TO THAT).

And the thing that’s been preventing this being brought up this entire time? The memory loss. And what’s no longer an issue? The memory loss. It was paaaaainfully obvious that things were different once the phantom regained those memories. The entire parental dynamic wherein the phantom was positioned as being Simon’s son was all set up purely in Haunted Specters, during the memory loss phase. But if I looked at it this way, I took it as “fact” that phantom was into Simon in some way or another prior to the memory loss. All of the weird parental projection stuff seemed to only come after that, while the memories of the missing year were gone. And IF THOSE MEMORIES HAD NOW RETURNED… It makes sense that……………………………

There would be some kind of reversion back to…………

So could this fic compartmentalise it like that, then? And we are to leap from the parental realm now that the memories are returned, and straight into… this? Hmm. But this alone was not enough. There were a couple of other things, too.

See, I’ve already alluded to/essentially stated this previously, but… That scene just before the phantom allows himself to fall from the window? On first readthrough, at the time, I didn’t even particularly like it or truly appreciate it. And then, we come full circle, back to when I had all my pesky little “doubts” about how the phantom’s character was handled in the first fic, finally catching up to me for my full re-evaluation.

I hadn’t really bought the one-sided phantomquill during fic 1. It was one of those doubts from back then. It just hadn’t stuck at the time.

Would it stick now?

Let’s talk a bit about phantomquill.

Well, phantomquill has never been my primary focus. My primary focus has always been the phantom (in Dual Destinies content, anyway). If given the choice, I’d prefer to just have content that has the phantom in it. Not really phantomquill stuff, although phantomquill can certainly be interesting to think about, it was never really a priority or a preference for me.

Except… Almost all phantom-focused content usually seems to be inherently phantomquill in nature. Which is fine! It would be nice to just have some neutral phantom stuff, but it looked like phantomquill was the default. The prerequisite, almost, if someone was gonna have a focus on the phantom in their story. And I didn’t mind. But I’d probably equally enjoy said stories regardless of whether the phantomquill was there or not.

So I guess I’m always kinda inclined to just shrug and go “I GUESS?” when phantomquill comes along. But I had, however, become waaay more fond of phantomquill over the years. It still wasn’t much of a preference but I’d certainly gained an appreciation for it and quite enjoyed thinking about it at times.

And obviously, obviously, from how the last two scenes are set-up – the suspiciously sudden jumpcut between them, I knew there had to be more to what was going on. I knew there probably had to be missing lines that got exchanged that the audience hadn’t seen yet, leading up to/into what Bobby walks in on.

But regardless of what those lines were… The outcome would be the same, wouldn’t it? So what difference could the conversation’s direction possibly make? Things, in one way or another, from how their conversation continues, must have gotten out of h- well. Spiralled into what Bobby sees the phantom doing!!

And I was also amused because HMM… THIS WHOLE SCENARIO… WHEREIN A BLOND PHANTOM… KISSES SIMON, COMMITTING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE IN THE PROCESS OF DOING SO… ALMOST SEEMS FAMILIAR, SOMEHOW.

But actually, there’s really no harm in that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with fanfics containing similar scenarios playing out with their own differences added into the mix. It’s FUN and EXCITING to see different authors handle somewhat similar situations in their own ways. If anything, it should be encouraged.

So could I really accept this scene playing out in THIS fic in all its terrific absurdity? One of the important questions for that was, did it feel “earned” in any way?

I found myself thinking back to previous Vanquishing Mirages chapters, as covered in the last post. About how, back then, I was thinking how this was “peak phantomquill” and how if there’s any way phantomquill should be, it was this. Even back then, I inadvertently found myself glancing at the fic’s tags. “No phantomquill tag? No phantomquill tag? Huh… well okay then. I guess the author doesn’t think it’s phantomquill if it’s not “romantic” in nature and/or only remains subtext. That’s fair enough.” To look at those scenes… To think back to the first fic… And look at it all through a phantomquill lens…… It did feel kinda earned to me.

And you even warned me, in your own way. “Originally planned to have one-sided phantomquill.” ORIGINALLY. That’s essentially what you told me, isn’t it? Aaaand that confused me for the longest time. Honestly. I read through Chasing Phantoms like “???? “Originally” how? This one-sided phantomquill is uh, PRETTY SOLIDLY CANON IMO.” I just figured you meant “one-sided phantomquill that wasn’t just subtext” or “way more obvious”. Figured that in your opinion, if it only ever remained subtext yet still clearly there, well it wasn’t proper phantomquill then was it?

And then when I read this chapter, I was just like… (AND EVEN MESSAGED MY FRIEND BASICALLY SAYING THIS):

“THIS FIC ISN’T EVEN TAGGED AS PHANTOMQUILL W H A T”

(HOOTY HOOO PAST ME THERE’S A REASON FOR THAT).

But it just made me think, “Oh, well. I guess the only reason the author would tag something as “phantomquill” ever is if the pairing becomes canon then? Which it obviously never will here. Therefore there’s no tag for it.”

Now, I’d like to draw your attention to something I wrote in a recent reply of mine to you:

“Not to mention that I loved the courtroom jokes bit so much that, once I decided to let myself enjoy it and accept it, my Willing Suspension of Disbelief was strengthened tenfold and was ready to take just about anything you would throw at it. (And you sure were ready to throw stuff at me and had more up your sleeve!). I gave the story even more leeway to work with willingly, because everything was so perfect and I wanted my suspension of disbelief to have plenty of leeway to fully enjoy EVERYTHING. NO MORE INNER KILLJOY. I knew I could trust in the narrative because it was so strong.”

I guess this was a huge part of my downfall.

I looked at this set-up the chapter left us with – one-sided, inevitably angsty phantomquill, thought back on everything and what it came down to was… couldn’t I just accept it, just like I’d accepted things like the joke-telling? Did I want to? Did I enjoy this scenario?

…Yeah. Yeah, I realised with a bit of surprise that I did. I REALLY, REALLY DID, ACTUALLY. And I wanted to accept it. My inner killjoy was cast aside. It was tiiiime to just enjoy this perfect “angst” or whatever youd call it.

It didn’t matter how ridiculous it may be. When it comes to fanfiction… the sky tends to be the limit. It’s precisely where you can see little fantasies like this one played out. It’s… It’s… If there’s any place this kind of scenario could happen, for sure. This was it. The best thing to do is just… enjoy it for what it is.

Almost everything had primed me to thinking that… This was indisputable one-sided phantomquill, was it not? And if just about every phantom-heavy fic out there seems to have some phantomquill in it, it’s only natural that this one would too, right? There was nothing driving me to question it. And accepting it just made me ridiculously happy and excited. Yeah, it’s “angsty” and one-sided, but it made me so dang happy nonetheless.

And if this wasn’t bad enough.

I went on to make a number of other mistakes that proved to be very, very fatal.

I read this chapter after midnight. And it was sooo much to process, and I wanted to be fully awake to process whatever was coming next… And it was just way too late at night. I figured, I wouldn’t be able to handle whatever was coming next… I needed to sleep. I needed to… save it for tomorrow. And it was too late to read another chapter anyway.

…Oh, if only I had read on… I could have spared myself so much. If I had just gone straight from this chapter into the next one… I would’ve been mostly fine. Nothing would have truly had a chance to sink in and my misconception would have been quickly cleared up. I would’ve been pretty much fine, I’m sure. I would have likely suspended judgement and saved myself…

It really is the kiss itself that was the killing blow, too. If the chapter had only, if it had only ended at the phantom’s last line, and Bobby’s segment saved for the next chapter, I would have EASILY maintained plausible deniability and would have been spared. Even when Blackquill and phantom’s conversation turned in that direction, I had NOT made ANY concrete assumptions.

But what actually happened was.

I turned my computer off,

And went to sleep.

And ohhhhhh boy.

I was very excited to find out how the narrative would continue in the next chapter. Especially how the prose of the text itself would approach it. Naturally, there was going to be immediate fallout.

But the narrative patterns of this series so far also fooled me. One thing was clear: the audience was to find out what happened during the jumpcut from Blackquill’s to Bobby’s POV in the next chapter.

And WHOSE perspective is missing, that is normally left until last? Was it not evident…?

So it seems like my mind couldn’t help brainstorming, and seems my dreams were like, “Oh, what if the prose was like this, starting with this sentence, and then…”

Haah.

So you see, when I woke up the next morning, I had these lines of prose fresh in my mind! And I really liked them, actually! I couldn’t let them go to waste! I had to write them down…!

Yep. It’s terribly embarrassing to admit. But I wrote my own little snippet of a sequel before reading the next chapter. “I can compare, see how the next chapter actually goes…!” I thought to myself naively.

Which brings us to…

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 19

Finally, I eagerly open the next chapter to read and it was just…

I don’t think I’ve ever been more thoroughly played by a piece of fiction in my entire life.

There was that time I was reading a book and one of the beloved characters that I was deeply attached to was very clearly dying. Their death had been one of the possibilities I had been DREADING even before starting the book. It’s a little bit hard to stay alive when there’s a sword lodged in you like that, you know? Their consciousness was slipping away by the moment. I couldn’t read on through my tears. I had to pause reading and pull myself together to push on.

…And when I did? The character suddenly, recovered on the next page. And was fine. Because here’s the thing: said character was a zombie. But like, a weird kind of “alive” zombie which could still die I guess. Had the sword remained firmly lodged in him, chances are he would have actually died. But another character – devastated over this character’s impending death, 100% sure it was about to happen, pulled the sword out. And then, what do you know? The character sat up again and was like “lol wait I’m actually feeling a lot better now lol… well I guess that’s being a zombie for you huh.”

Hah. Well. That’s one example that comes to mind and at least, in this case… the bait and switch was actually going from one thing I desperately didn’t want – to something I actually desperately wanted. For the character to live, or “live” as a perfectly conscious zombie.

There is another example that comes to mind, a little bit closer to home, which involves… ship baiting.

I like to think that it is very hard to make me fall for ship baiting. Sure, I ship things that aren’t canon in media. And I do so with the full knowledge that they aren’t canon and will most likely never be canon. I keep those two realms nice and separate and therefore my feelings never get hurt. I never get too invested to the point of becoming upset… And I can tell, usually, what is sheer shipbaiting and what constitutes actual, canon evidence.

So there was one piece of media I was into, where two male characters were shipped with each other from the very start by the fandom, even before they ever interacted with each other. Then they actually started interacting and their dynamic was awesome, they cared for and were looking out for each other. So the shipping of the two characters only heightened dramatically in the fandom, naturally. Now, everyone was getting invested, but I looked at these two characters and went… “yeah, sure, I would love to see them get together, so I ship it.” But I figured, you know, it was never gonna actually happen, so I didn’t get too invested. I thought, yeah… the writers are deeefinitely throwing in some intentional bait with those two that they will never actually follow through on. So I didn’t get invested.

But then something happened that changed everything for me… One of those two characters got 100% confirmed, beyond a shadow of any doubt, to be canonically in love with the other, in the media itself, undeniably. I always usually look for plausible deniability to cover my bases. That’s what ship baiting relies on. But there was no way around the concrete fact that this character was in love with the other.

And in that piece of media, there was no canon reason, absolutely none, why those two characters couldn’t get together. And if Character A’s canonically in love with Character B… there were MOUNTAINS of evidence that Character B felt the same way. If anything, if I had to take a blind guess at who was in love with who, I would have figured it was Character B way more than Character A.

Well, the writers messed up and stuffed around and played with its audience. They wanted to keep baiting this ship, they introduced very transparent & pointless roadblocks as to why they couldn’t be together only after the fact of one of the character’s feelings revealed, and yeah, turns out the other character doesn’t feel the same way back. They employed just plain bad writing to introduce pointless drama and turned the previously inseparable pair against each other.

Nooow that hurt a lot because I was shipping something that, for all intents and purposes canonically speaking, could've been on the verge of becoming a reality. Before the writers decided to add unnecessary complications and reveal that the other character never felt that way. I got really invested and it turned out to be blatant baiting and, yeah.

Well the example in your fic is obviously very different from that one on a number of fronts. The example just provided was baiting the ship becoming canon. The example in your series is merely baiting the notion that a character had a specific type of feeling(s) for another. In some ways that made it all the more crushing.

Suffice it to say, I felt like the BIGGEST, STUPIDEST idiot EVER when I read the next chapter. I still do. The pain never truly went away sdklsd;madl;dfkj

Well, let’s start on the chapter itself, shall we?

With the chapter summary:

The Phantom’s crazy way of thinking turns the situation into a bit of a soap opera. How does he really feel about Simon Blackquill, as far as feeling goes with him?

Stupid, stupid me, leaning into a microphone: um. Do you even have to ask. This chapter summary alone was one of my favourite things in the world… before reading on.

”My actions were Bobby Fulbright’s actions, not a reflection of my own desires.”

Okay so. I had not actually remembered this line until this second readthrough, and I absolutely have to call bull on this. We know that prior to the phantom stealing Bobby’s life, Bobby never acted on his sexuality. FURTHERMORE, EVEN IF HE HAD, I’m calling bull once AGAIN and am gonna say that the real Bobby Fulbright would never have abused his role as parole officer to cross a line that should not have been crossed WITH A PRISONER THAT HE IS PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR. Unavoidable power balance. The Bobby I know would not, end of story. Even if the real Bobby was attracted to Simon. He wouldn’t have acted on it if he was Simon’s parole officer. AND THIS ENTIRE SPIEL IS MOOT ANYWAY BECAUSE THE PHANTOM WOULD HAVE NO WAY TO TELL WHO BOBBY WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO AND I SOMEHOW DOUBT HE GETS THAT INVESTED IN HIS ROLES TO FOLLOW THROUGH TO THIS EXTENT. I guess what it comes down to is how he later basically says “seeking acknowledgement is one thing, seeking a relationship is entirely another”. So part of the driving force was the seeking acknowledgement…? BUT IN A WEIRD NON-PHANTOMQUILL WAY…? And there’s also the fact that the identity of “Bobby Fulbright” and the nameless spy known as the phantom were blurring together. But IF the identity blurring actually played a role, that would make it phantomquill, so I kind of doubt that’s part of the explanation.

And like, sure, I get it. Pretty sure “Bobby Fulbright” behaved that way immediately after Simon mentioned “the phantom” to him. So his goal was to manipulate Simon, a little bit of that “seeking acknowledgement” in there too (BUT NOT ACTUAL PHANTOMQUILL-STYLE “SEEKING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT” APPARENTLY????) and who knows. Maybe he was searching for the damn profile. Maybe he thought it might be hidden in Simon’s clothes. WHO KNOWS. But like, I get it, it was “not a reflection of his own desires”, APPARENTLY.

fffffffffffffff

”I am what one might call aromantic and asexual,”

So as a quick aside, worth noting that on the first readthrough… Like… I knew the kiss was still coming so at the start when he’s saying this stuff, it felt more like him denying it, only for ya know… the kiss to happen and all. It was only after it fully played out that I came back to this line all like “Oh my god… he was right… he wasn’t kidding…” BUT WE’LL GET TO THERE. WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY THOUGH-

My goodness. Reading this sent me into another realm. It just like? Astral projected me to some other planet because heLLOOOO I WOULD LIKE TO DISSECT THIS A LITTLE BIT:

Firstly, the word “asexual”? Okay, that’s commonly used outside of the context of people being ace. So it would not be too surprising for him to say something about being asexual because, that’s already a commonly-used English word, even if that “common definition” (see: plants and whatever) is not the definition he is using here, he could easily use this word in this context without knowing that plenty of people actually do use it in this context as a label for themselves.

BUT “AROMANTIC” … NOW THAT’S INTERESTING. “Aromantic” is a very specific word with a specific definition! It is not a commonly-known English word in day-to-day life among the average person and it is not used outside of people using it as a label to identify themselves with!

ALL OF THIS TO SAY… FOR HIM TO USE BOTH WORDS? IMPLIES HE KNOWS HIS STUFF.

IF the phantom had been randomly pulling out the word “asexual” because it would be “obvious what it means in this context” without knowing that asexuality is A Fairly Common Thing, he would have just called himself asexual and nothing else. Because for people who aren’t particularly knowledgeable on the subject, they often conflate asexuality and aromanticism together!

With that being said, there is still the possibility that he isn’t aware of the communities that have been formed around those labels. That he was doing a simple equation here and putting “a-“ in front of “sexuality” and “romantic” to demonstrate that he’s “none” in both.

BUT I’M STILL INCLINED TO SAY THAT THE FACT THAT HE SPECIFICALLY SAYS “AROMANTIC” MEANS HE’S KINDA KNOWLEDGEABLE ABT IT…

And I just CANNOT get over this and the implications attached to it. The phantom knows about asexuality and aromanticism and self-identifies as aroace? THE PHANTOM KNOWS ABOUT THE SPLIT ATTRACTION MODEL? DSDFKLMLKDF;LDSL;-

Ohhh my god.

And yes, in this year 2019 these terms and communities are becoming more and more widespread, but they’re still not particularly mainstream. I know also that this fic is set in 2028, but… I’m more primed to think about when this fic was written – a few years back – when these terms and communities would have been a little bit more obscure. That’s the primary background I think of RE: the phantom actually knowing this stuff.

Also, hah, it’s so many layers because WOW… Talk about absolutely awful aroace representation in a sense right here. You get this character in your canon calling themselves aroace and they’re… the despicable, emotionless murderer & VILLAIN. Feels like it falls directly into the “bad representation” trap, HOWEVER. I do feel that the situation is much more nuanced in this case.

Like yeah, he might be an emotionless murderer, and on the surface that looks bad, BUT! He’s also a major protagonist that we have come to sympathise with at times and feel bad for… The story has followed and focused on him so much. It has shown him in so many different lights, somehow managing to make him such an extremely well-rounded character with depth. Therefore, at least to me… It doesn’t necessarily feel like bad representation at all. He’s not limited to being the bad guy. He’s so much more than that. This is nothing but another aspect to his character. And being aroace is not necessarily directly linked to his villainy. So much about him has been broken down and deconstructed. So somehow… by some miracle… In the context of this fic, the fact that the emotionless murderer is aroace could almost circle back around into being almost good representation, amazingly enough. Or… well, that’s the thing. Whether it’s “good” or “bad” representation most likely ultimately isn’t your primary concern anyway. Neither is “representation”, for that matter. What matters is a good story with good characters that make sense. So there may be no point talking about the representation angle anyway: it’s not necessarily “representation”. It’s just a character with a certain identity that happens to neutrally exist in the plot, whoever that character may be and whatever that character may happen to be.

And I also have happened to see you mention that you yourself are ace!

But I’m merely analysing the text as I would with any piece of fiction – and will continue to do so. Being aware that you’re ace yourself gives me a little bit more perspective on things, but I wouldn’t have necessarily been aware of that in different circumstances and therefore wish to look at the text as its own entity and how it comes across to me as the reader.

As for the rest of what he says…

Ohhh geez. Now it’s time to talk about something else. Another little fatal mistake I made in my approach to reading this series. We must once again return ourselves to when I read Chasing Phantoms.

Now I myself am asexual, of the repulsed kind… xD

So when I came across That phantomquill scene in Chasing Phantoms, my response was basically just, “oh GEEZ that is NOT a mental image I want thankyouverymuch nope nope nope nope.” And just – kept reading on and did my best to forget about that scene. Juuust bury it away and not think about it. :P Ignore it! Pretend it didn’t happen. And this alone created some “distance” between myself and the narrative at the time, that my instinct already was to reject something connected back to that version of the phantom.

Looks like I did a little too good of a job forgetting about it. And with it out of mind, well, I’d become sooo heavily entrenched in the series by this point and really was clinging to everything that was canon.

I read this chapter and it was just like… oh dear. Oh DEAR. That was a thing. That happened in this series!!!

It was just SHOVED in my face undeniably in this chapter, as if I could not have possibly received a nastier slap in the face with the reminder of that incident’s existence. xDDDD

My distance when reading Chasing Phantoms had just come back to bite me in the biggest way… I’d gotten so heavily attached to the canon of this series by this point. But I’d conveniently forgotten the canon that I didn’t want to acknowledge, and hadn’t fully acknowledged back then. Suddenly! I was well and truly being forced to acknowledge EVERYTHING! Ahaha.

The spy pushed away from the sink to take a few steps towards Simon. The look on his face was harder than it’d ever been before. The closest thing to fierce determination the man could muster, perhaps.

THIS must be when he gets the STUPID idea to, I DON’T KNOW, SHIPBAIT ME INTO OBLIVION? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

There was nothing heartfelt or affectionate about it.

NOTHING????? NOTHING?????????

“Awww… Busted.” The Phantom ran a hand past his mouth, but he was still grinning. It was a grin that Simon remembered from those first visits to solitary confinement. A grin that’d been coupled with purposeful jabs below the belt. “Isn’t that a damn shame?”

In spite of everything…………. I love this line. I just love the “aw busted” it’s sdjdfnkljdlnk I LOVE IT. HE IS THE WORRRRRRRST.

“Don’t be like that. I was only attempting to relive that pleasant night we had last year before it’s too late.”

Me: OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP RIGHT NOW I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS SHUT IT DOWN.

Phantom: [opens mouth to speak]

Me:

Oh I can’t. I cannot.

Me: “I am BEGGING you to shut up. For once in your miserable life, in your whole pathetic existence… SHUT UP.”

This narrative had given me so much Suffering & Sympathetic Phantom and a whole manner of like… “Nice” Phantom and this is just…………… W O W. The narrative primed me so much on things like Sympathetic Phantom and “hahahaaaa he’s a child just look at him!” and this is just like! A harsh, merciless jolt! -OH ONE LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO RECEIVE ACTUALLY, WASN’T THINKING OF THAT WHEN I TYPED THAT BUT HAHAA…

BUT HIM SAYING THESE THINGS HAD SUCH ENTERTAINING SHOCK VALUE TOO. THE FLIPPANCY!

The Phantom stirred and pushed himself into a sitting position. He was still trembling, though at the very least that detestable grin had been washed off his face. “You’re welcome.”

Goooo to hell. Go to hell.

He briefly considered retrieving his feather from the ground as well, then thought better of himself. Five second rule aside, the fact that it was lying on the bathroom floor of a hospital instantly rendered it trash for the janitors to do away with.

SDKJBSDKJB SIMON.

“Understood.” The Phantom pushed himself to his feet, though he seemed to be having some trouble keeping his balance. Perhaps the electric currents had left a stronger impact on his body than was evident. To think this incident took place right before a jarring surgery…

HE IS SUCH A MORON. YOU IDIOT.

Perhaps this would be their final conversation, Simon realized with a sudden jolt. …No, the surgery would be harmless. It was an easy procedure. That was what the doctor had claimed.

This I had a small bit of trouble with, because something like brain surgery hardly seems like an “easy” and “harmless” procedure, but the dangers were actually touched on as I pointed out in my previous post… I just guess I would have emphasised the dangers a little more. But perhaps you did research and were able to determine that such a hypothetical procedure… would be “harmless”…?

The Phantom closed his eyes for a few seconds and Simon could see the corners of his mouth twitch. “I am… glad that we got to be partners one last time. Trust or no trust, I think that we make a favorable team.”

Look my soul had already well and truly left my body by this point of the chapter so I did not remember this line at all. I don’t really know what the hell’s it ‘sposed to mean or what’s going on. I guess it doesn’t matter. I have already been DESTROYED.

Dear Phantom,

Yours Sincerely,

-One of your biggest fans.

Sooo I was devastated. And felt deeply humiliated. And then that devastation turned to pure desperation. Even if things turned out this way… There had to still be hidden actual one-sided phantomquill nonetheless, right? I needed this. I needed this so badly, I’d staked everything on one-sided phantomquill’s reality here, something I had never truly done in any other phantom fic I’d ever read – fics that would willingly offer up phantomquill to me on a silver platter.

But every last bit of “phantomquill” that I’d been assuming and hadn’t even cared for prior to this point turned out not to be phantomquill at all…? It faded away, just when I needed it most. At which point, a second wave of devastation hit me. At the fact that not only had the chapter gone horribly, horribly awry from what my fantasies had played out in my mind, but that there had apparently never been any one-sided phantomquill. Heightening my sense of my own idiocy tenfold.

And this second wave was exacerbated by another realisation: Even if there were traces of genuine phantomquill to be found in other parts of the series, it hardly made any difference in the end. My feelings were hurt by chapter 19. Everything had been banked on that. And nothing could change how it actually played out.

And I thought it over countless times, because I usually like to pride myself on understanding and siding with authorial intent, you know? Or at least striving to most of the time. Was I truly just unbelievably stupid? What was I supposed to expect from the chapter? What about the other “phantomquill” scenes and implications that took place, dotted all throughout the series, that can be viewed through different lenses? It was clear that some baiting had been at play, but how much of it had been intentional and how much was me just an idiot reading the text incorrectly? (The fact that you were gunning for it in the beginning makes it seem like such a deep-rooted, ridiculously long-running con-job… my goodness… Even if it wasn’t intended to be a con from the start… That means the audience… Can you really say the audience is not being conned way back in Chasing Phantoms? How else were they supposed to interpret the phantom’s characterisation back then…?! How were they supposed to know…! And if actual phantomquill had been what you intended at the time of writing it…!) Oh I was ruined and driven into doubting myself so much and KICKING myself over this.

There was… No justice in any of this, it seemed. And I could not even feel “righteous” in any way. I just felt pathetic.

Because I’d only been asking for something one-sided… I’d wanted to see my favourite character suffer even more. It’s not the “normal” “I just want character to be happy” type angle. So it felt like such a weird thing to beg for. But beeeeeg for it I did anyway, huh.

I just! Wanted! To see some more Vulnerable Phantom! Maybe with just a little bit of genuine emotions leaking through! What would have made it so wonderful… Is that it takes place JUST before the surgery! Therefore it would demonstrate that even with his severely limited emotional state! He still…! THAT’S WHAT I WANTED OK IS THAT SO WRONG?!

No it isn’t and meet me out back I’ve got sources come prepared I’ll present my ten page essay on why you wrote your own fic wrong and sjsdjsdkj

^Me, in all-out confrontation & idiot mode, arguing at you over this, well and truly willing to go down with this one-sided ship

And when some of the devastation subsided, I went into Bitter Mode. Ohhhhhhh the saltiness. Ohhhhhhh I got salty, veeeeery salty. STILL not entirely sure if I’m done being salty. Or will ever be done being salty & bitter over this, played up intentionally to my friend to reap all of its comedic potential. :P I’d been burrrrrrrrrned.

So there you have it. Since you like irony so damn much…

I took the “phantomquill” in this series for granted at first. “Phantomquill” that I later practically begged for.

I didn’t care a whole lot for the initial scene where the phantom lets himself fall from that window in Chasing Phantoms (of course, I later realised how good it was on its own). A scene that was directly tied to and paralleled one of the extreme heights of my enjoyment in Vanquishing Mirages, also helping me to gain a far deeper appreciation of said earlier scene.

And the one time where I got super invested in phantomquill and wanted it, really wanted it, was with one of the very few fics that would flatly refuse to provide it.

Oh wait, one more thing too. The aro ace thing. Lol if he was agender too in this, he’d be triple-A hahaha

That was another thing when I came across the phantomquill in Chasing Phantoms initially. I was just like, “mmmm, no, nah. If anything, going by the “canon” of the game, if you absolutely had to put a label on the phantom, he’d be aro ace.”

Well. Turns out…

And, under just about any other circumstance, it would make me pleased to see the phantom call himself aro ace, and yet… The circumstances couldn’t be more… :T

So when it finally sunk in that, yea he is?

I was just like…

“No… no no no no no no… This is not happening… This cannot be happening…! MY OWN LOGIC IS BEING USED AGAINST MEEEEEE……………………”

: (

But yes. The ironies that can be listed of this situation do go on and on.

That was it. The last Simon saw or heard of the entity known as the Phantom.

Me, who in spite of everything, actually does still love the phantom very much and does not want to see him now promptly vanish from this really well-written series in his really well-written form, and has noooo idea how this is gonna go and what the result of this surgery is gonna be and is therefore very nervous about how “the phantom” will transform after this point:

If the doctors were successful, an intangible spirit would take the form of a true human, rather like a phoenix being reborn from its own ashes.

“I’ve literally just been brutally left in the dust I am hardly in any state to appreciate the beauty of sentences like this one. GO AHEAD, SHOW ME YOUR PRETTY PROSE, BUT IT’S A LITTLE LATE NOW ISN’T IT. IT WON’T WORRRRRRK I’M TOO BUSY HAVING BEEN SO THOROUGHLY OWNED BY A BAIT AND SWITCH THAT I’M LYING ON THE GROUND IN TINY PIECES”

To prove once and for all whether or not there was a true identity hidden inside him.

That’s nice but I literally just could not bring myself to care anymore. I was done. The fic ended in the last chapter. It was finished. “My version’s canon to me now.” That’s one way I could try to cope and pretend my heart & dignity can remain intact. Whatever is going on now it’s just an interesting au. My little self-indulgent version is what obviously happened.

This fic could do whatever the hell it wanted because nothing about it mattered anymore, I didn’t care, it’d lost me. I pettily decided at the time that Anything after Chapter 18 is the Wrong Timeline so It’s all meaningless as far as I was concerned!

Fulbright… Was he truly so angry that he would miss the moment of the Phantom’s awakening?

It’s kinda funny because in a sense, I was Bobby at this point of the chapter. Absent : ) Yeah, ok, I was reading on through my pain… But I was very. Emotionally absent, disconnected, or whatever you’d like to call it. In Chasing Phantoms I wasn’t particularly invested because of all the doubts I’d had. And here, my investment in however the series would continue dropped DRAMATICALLY because I’d been too invested in it. It was just like… “Ok. Might as well see whatever the hell happens. But nothing in this series can ever truly make me happy again as it did before. The line’s been crossed. Sayonara.”

…Yeah, rather bold words to utter just prior to Lifting Spirits.

But you baked the most perfect, beautiful and tantalising-looking phantomquill cake to me… and then you just… IMMEDIATELY destroyed it. You took a hammer to that cake. Threw it in the bin, leaving me desperately, brokenly reaching for the icing still smeared messily on the table, and when I did, YOU SLAPPED MY HAND AWAY. No siree I could not even have some of that icing. Ya blew it. I was done. UNFORGIVABLE. Line crossed. Your rights to the work were forfeit as far as I was concerned. It was all mine now.

Was he consulting with his trusted therapist, perhaps?

HOHOOH what if he did though. I can’t remember if that gets confirmed either way. PFFF WELL YOU CAN ADD THIS MESS TO THE LIST OF THINGS BENNY MIGHT KNOW ABOUT THEN???? HOW… INTERESTING!

Ok but also:

I SWEAR TO GOOOOOOOD THIS LINE ACTUALLY MADE ME SO? CONFUSED AND BORDERLINE, IF NOT OUTRIGHT SUSPICIOUS ON FIRST READ BECAUSE LIKE.

Okay, there was another much more direct Benny reference earlier this same fic. He’s actually NAMEDROPPED. I didn’t point it out at the time because I didn’t want to be too tedious about it and waited until the next reference like this, which I figured there would be, so that I could comment on MY THOUGHTS.

So waaay back earlier in the fic, when Benny actually gets namedropped for the first time:

What sort of advice would his therapist offer? He wished he could call the man and explain his situation, because Benny always had just the right answer to any problem.

Me at the time: wow, even the offscreen therapist gets a name? What a series! Is this series fleshed out or what?!

But even back then.

There’d just been. Such a handful of references to this guy.

Like, when the therapist first started being referenced it was all like “oh I’m so glad Bobby’s getting the counselling and help that he needs”.

And then he just

Kept being referenced after that

And with each iteration I just got a tiny bit more and more like

“O-okay…? We know Bobby is getting help… We are aware of it. And that’s great. I’m really glad. Not sure why the therapist matters though… weird focus on the therapist since it’s Bobby’s recovery that is paramount here, not the therapist helping him. Just not relevant.”

Like I was deeply impressed that such an unimportant character got named, yet at the same time it was like. Aaaaalright. He’s really not warranting this much focus. But okay then.

And now it’s Blackquill bringing him up, not Bobby. And SURE I guess the mention KINDA makes sense from him but the focus felt so fishy to me… “TRUSTED therapist”… why the emphasis on how great this guy supposedly is. C’mooon. It REALLY made me go HMMMM. I was just like… who cares though. There’s literally no reason to bring the therapist up he’s not connected to any of this or the plot at ALLL… He serves ONE purpose and that is to be the unseen background force helping Bobby to work through his issues. That’s it!

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 20

Oh… This chapter… is so good. Wow… Wow. Not much else I can say rn.

He’d never appreciated her. Now it was too late.

Simon saw no need to keep the truth from him. This plan had been the Phantom’s, not his own. He’d merely been roped into it as an unwilling accomplice, yet he refused to cover the spy’s tracks.

Ffffffffffffff

Yeah I was gonna go off about “idiot spy” again at this point but I’ve tired myself out from all the salt I’ve overloaded into this post so that my past pain can serve at least some kind of fun… But god. God. The phantom’s plan was PAPER thin just, ridiculously flimsy, yeah sure he came up with it on the fly whatever I guess but it like. Depends on Blackquill playing along and ffffffffffffff. Alright I guess maybe he figured Simon would play along if Simon was interested in shielding Bobby from grief as the phantom explained was his intent but god. Ghhhhhh. It just feels like insult to injury too cause he has this Grand Plan to protect Bobby which immediately proceeds to fail.

And it was enough to fuel his loathing further. He shook his head so violently that it made him dizzy, yet he managed to stop himself from raising his voice again. Shouting wouldn’t make his point any clearer. Instead, he stepped forward and crouched down before Fulbright’s chair. He grabbed the man’s nearest hand with both of his own. He was lousy with words and he knew that much, but he needed to at least try to communicate his thoughts- his feelings- before this misunderstanding was allowed to spread any more. “Do you truly not remember what I’ve told you from the day I first met you?” he demanded, his tone of voice more fierce than he’d intended but lacking in volume nonetheless. “You are nothing like the man who played the part of my chaperone. I would sooner take my own life than return to those days. You, on the other hand, give me another reason to live. I can tell the difference between the two of you and that makes all the difference in the world.”

[…]

“I love you, Bobby Fulbright, not the fallacy that pretended to be you. However, if you dare to call my feelings into question again, I will not hesitate to tear you to shreds myself.”

This is a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming for Blackbright right here. This is SOO good. I really admired and appreciated this shining Blackbright moment even amidst the whirl of everything else I was busy reacting to.

And… On that uplifting note, I’ll finish this otherwise ridiculously salty mess of a post. XD I’ll tackle the rest of this chapter & more beyond next time. This is already waaaaay too long anyway. But I knew that this post would inevitably be a massive one, and I had to essentially say Stuff You to the very notion of any self-imposed word-limits.

#riskiest post yet?#I've been kinda dreading this #AND Y E T #Oh I forgot to add 'long post' to help avoid clogging peoples dashboards if the readmore fails so:#long post

8 notes · View notes