#12:13 am

[rocknrolllstarrx]

i foolishly thought that going on umrah this year would fix all my problems and that by this time i'd be happy or at least one of my prayers would have come true. they came true for some of the people i prayed for but not for me yet

i really have a bad problem and i need really good therapy to fix myself. i have been like this for so long - so alone, trapped in my negative thoughts, horrible self esteem. i feel like i will be stuck in this miserable cycle of self loathing forever. i don't want to be like this. it feels like my dreams are so fucking far away. i cant see myself ever achieving them. i cant see a future where i am not depressed and alone because i've been like this my whole life. it's been like this forever.

i've tried the gratitude thing. yeah sure but its not enough. i take my meds but clearly thats not enough. i've tried praying but sometimes it truly feels like God does not like me or He loves other people around me so much more than me. I know its probably not true but it feels like that. 

i despise my face. i hate my body. who i am. i hate that i grew up in a family that has eurocentric facial features and i don't, and how its still fucked up my perception of myself at the ripe age of 28. i hate that i see my cousin and compare her life to mine and how she got everything in life JUST bc of her beauty, and how people have treated me (and continue to treat me) like shit just bc of the way i look. i know if i was beautiful my life would be so much better and people would be so much nicer to me. i don't know why God made me so unattractive and made the women in my family so beautiful. its so unfair. some days i cant even look at myself.

no body understands how awful body dysmorphia is until they actually have it. it really makes me wish that someone could put a gun to my head and end it all. what is really fucked up is how i wish i had anorexia instead of bulimia/BED for 14 years bc then maybe my parents would have taken my problems more seriously too since anorexia is way more visible on someone. and at least i'd have been skinny. its such a horrible fucked up way to think. it just shows how bad i've gotten at seeing myself.

i can't love myself. i don't understand what it means to love yourself. i cant imagine an attractive guy wanting to f"ck me. im so not at peace with myself. all i ever wanted was to be at peace in my mind and in my life. and find happiness in any form. thats it. im so so exhausted of this cycle of feeling okay with myself and my life, and then going down the rabbit hole the next minute. i need so much help.

[raziraphale]

"oh it's not that fourteen is the first doctor to be attracted to men he's just the first one to talk openly about it" twelve called the master his man crush... know your herstory

[coyote-sun]

A digital painting of the JRWI Council! :D

Reference photo + timelapse are under the cut!

[ask-shane]

your asks astonish me, but i realized theres only.. like.. 5 types of asks u get. so basically this is what i think ur ask box looks like rn:

anon1: haiii shane! luv u!

anon2: shane i hate you you look like you never shower you stink so much you filthy rat

anon3: shane ur so ugly i love you. ur such a cutie patootie. ur so pathetic. ur like the physicla embodiment of a wet paper bag. i luv u.

anon4: hi u have a nice ass :3

anon5: shane help my toilet exploded

basically what im tryin to say is that you dont get paid enough for this

i actually laughed out loud reading this.

you think i get paid for this? i wish i were… i’m not. i actually think my paycheck gets deducted whenever i log into this blog.

[yesokayiknow]

okay so you know how it goes: fourteen comes to life in thirteen's clothes. and they're both too short and too loose and entirely too bright for his frame of mind. they worked with a doctor who hid everything behind a too wide smile; not so much with a doctor whose pain and tiredness is written across his face

he needs to change. obviously

and then the star beast starts, and fourteen leaves the tardis, and he's still in thirteen's clothes

he just. he doesn't know. how does he choose new clothes? he feels wrong. how will wearing something else change that?

(donna tells him that it's christmas, mate; it's bloody freezing. maybe wear longer trousers, yeah? also he's both too young and too old to wear braces. just a friendly note)

he doesn't have to explain who he is to the unit scientist, not with those clothes. instead he talks about how he doesn't understand why he looks like this. why he is this. why this face? why isn't he someone new?

actually. maybe he is someone new. was he ever this open before? hm

why do you look like that, sylvia hisses, trying to hide him from the daughter he destroyed ruined left

it's a lottery, he replies, purposely ignorant

he still has his thirteenth self's screwdriver. it's too small in his hands

(the whole time they were her, her hands were too small. she didn't like touching anyway, but whenever someone took her hand, it felt wrong. they were too small. sometimes it felt like if she worked fast enough, tinkered about without stopping, she wouldn't have to look at them)

everything goes wrong. his fault, like always

(blimey. of all the things to carry over from the first time he had this face, it had to be the guilt, didn't it?)

you shouldn't look like that, the doctordonna says, and he runs a hand down his face with a tired laugh

no, the doctordonna says, not the face. a hand reaches out to grasp at the collar of his shirt, at the dangling earring chain. this isn't you. who are you, doctor?

like he knows. like they've ever-

she dies.

she lives. he doesn't deserve it. it isn't about him. he still doesn't deserve it

we're letting it go, donna says, and he looks down at himself, at another him's clothes, another him's screwdriver

well, she never was subtle, his donna

the tardis is gorgeous, though when isn't she. he tries to show off his new console to donna, and she rolls her eyes, and drags him off to the wardrobe

unlike normally, where all the clothes are scattered about, the new tardis wardrobe now also has a line of wardrobes stood against the wall. fifteen of them, to be exact

the last wardrobe is open. and empty

he goes to the second to last, and opens it to reveal a wide array of rainbow patterned shirts. she probably would've hated for her things to be organised like this. always creating mess so she wouldn't have to think about anything important. he laughs. and he takes off the sky coloured coat and the worn boots and the earrings and gently places them inside. tag, he thinks, as he closes the doors

and then he moves down to the eleventh wardrobe, full of brown coats and blue suits and neatly pressed shirts and pairs of converse. and he stands in front of it. and he wonders

after a moment, donna's like wait do you want me to leave?? you never cared about nudity before, did you? and he's like oh actually i do feel more self conscious. huh. weird.

he doesn't have to say, i think i'm a different person. not to donna. she just gives him a smile, and a shoulder nudge, and tells him she'll see him in the console room

the last wardrobe is empty

he takes a breath, and then goes to rummage about in the rest of the clothes

[ohnoiyo]

taking what’s not yours

[floweypilled]

my most recent and first (maybe) designs for these two... @_@

[seaweedstarshine]

[just after having helped River make a getaway from a heist of an astatine lace shawl — the rarest substance in the universe — without her even needing to ask beyond a simple “hello sweetie” scrawl in the sky] [Eleventh Doctor] “I can see its worth — but Alice is right! What’s so special about a lace shawl?” [River] “Ah, well, lace, you see, is the traditional gift for a thirteenth wedding anniversary…” [Eleventh Doctor] “Wedding anniversary? Whose wedding anniversary?” [River] “Spoilers…!” *winks* [Thirteenth Doctor, reminiscing] “I love River.”

HAPPY THIRTEENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TO THE DOCTOR AND RIVER SONG!

Sources: Diary of River Song: The Furies, Diary of River Song: The Lady in the Lake, The Day of the Moon, Doctor Who Magazine Special Edition #33, The Wedding of River Song, The Big Bang, The Angels Take Manhattan, The Many Lives of Doctor Who: Without a Paddle, The Time of the Doctor, Forest of the Dead, Let's Kill Hitler, Diary of River Song: The Wife of River Song, Eleventh Doctor Year Two: Physician Heal Thyself, A Good Man Goes to War, Eleventh Doctor Chronicles: Broken Hearts, The Husbands of River Song, Doctor Who Confidential: When Time Froze

[whyamihereat4am]

there's something so deeply enjoyable about shipping characters you know would loathe being shipped. Like, whether they have genuine hate for each other or are just offended anyone else would think they tolerate each other, they would definitely rip my head off for giggling maniacally while I draw them smooching in MS Paint like I'm pressing my Barbies' heads together- and not just because that's a generally uncomfortable thing to find, but because it's that person specifically. the knowledge that there is a wealth of erotica that involves them having biologically impossible children would inspire them to destroy the world. but they can't, because they're fictional. the fools. *cackles evilly and posts about who i think would be the bottom when they have hate sex*

[kitsunecrows]

"you know, on my first day here, if you asked me what i wanted, i would have said adventure, mystery, true friends - but looking here at all of you, i realized that every wish came true."

happy (belated) birthday mystery twins!

[koszmarnybudyn]

I really can't belive that after watching all of the first campaign my first posted/fully finished fanart will be of the triplets and not the boobs. Anyway these three are stuck in my brain and refuse to leave.

And no text and transparent backround version:

[tamarhasoddthoughts]

Rant time! Its 12am so ofcourse the thiam obsession is creeping back and i just want to talk about what everyone has talked about which is The Elevator Scene.

Ok.

So we all know that scene, yeah but like. Lets talk about the before. So Scott calls Theo when he was about to dip from beacon hills(i think. I have not watched this show in 2 years everything I'm saying may very well be complete bs) and he specifically tells Theo to get ‘liam’ and the others out of there because of the hunters(?is that even correct?) and Theo hauls ass back to the hospital JUST in time to grab Liam and shove them both back into the elevator.

Its just. Do you realise the amount of times Theo has saved Liam? Like, not just from danger but from himself aswell. Theo has saved Liam so many times and i just Dont. get it?

Like you can, of course, argue that it's because Liam brought Theo back from hell and he feels indebted to the guy but i frankly just Dont believe that and i never will

Why? Because even though Liam brought Theo back SCOTT allowed him to stay out of hell. Lets all be real here. If Liam had not managed convinced Scott to let Theo stay his ass would have been back underground. Liam was insistent, yeah, but Scotts his alpha. He would have put theo back if he(Scott) really wanted him to. So, realistically, i feel like he'd be more indebted to Scott rather than Liam.

Of course he's still be grateful to Liam but not grateful enough to be running up and down beacon hills to save Liam from every and all mortal or non-mortal peril yk?

Like i feel like we forget as a community that Theo is SELFISH and not a really nice guy. Like he's one of my favourite characters of all times but he was not a good person in s5 and yeah he reformed in s6 (best character development arc Imo) but there's just some traits that have been so ingrained in you that you Dont really forget them and i hc that Theo still struggles trying to fight some of the instincts he's used to (spying, lying, idk counting the amount of heartbeats whenever he walks in a room YOU GET IT) and if it was, for example, stiles or fuck idk Scott, would Theo do the same for them?

Those might potentially be bad examples but literally think of ANY other teen wolf character: would Theo do for them what he did for Liam? Would he? I Dont think so.

So Scott mentions Liam is at the hospital and in danger and Theo goes immediately, like turns that truck Around lmfao, and he saves Liam and then he opens his mouth and utters the lie ‘Look, I'm not dying for you’ because not only is he a lying liar who lies he's is also an emotionally repressed lying liar who liars.

Because in the same hospital in 6a(? Is it 6a or am i tripping) he literally made himself bait. There's a chance that Theo could have been shot and would have been forgotten. There's even potentially a chance that he could have been killed and sent back to the place he would have done ANYTHING to not go back to and what does he do? He sacrificed himself for Liam. FOR LIAM

And the thing is, i feel like before Scott called Theo, he would have been out of beacon hills in a flash. He potentially sacrificed his only chance to leave that hellish town because of Liam. Liam.

Liam is the only one that Theo continuously saves over and over and over again throughout s6 hell even SEASON 5 and yeah that was because of his mega evil plan but still. Theos just intentionally proving my point rn

So Theo lies and Liam lies back and they have that ultra gay stare down in that stupid fucking elevator and then Theo looks down and i know that it's a popular hc that Theo looks at his lips but me and many others choose to believe that Theo looks at liams heart because one of the many differences between these two hooligans is that Theo is an EXCELLENT liar and Liam is…. not. So when Liam lies ‘Im not dying for u either’ Theo can tell and ohmygodtypingthisoutismakingmemadwhyweretheynotcanon

And then they fight together and quite literally take bullets for one another (this ship makes me laugh why are they like this) after professing their fraudulent lies and Theo takes gabes pain and then they fuck nasty in the hospital bathrooms the end

LMAO I FUCKING HATE THIS SHOW AHDBBDHDBD

[witchinatree]

making a list of my favorite quote/ones that stuck with me from each season 1 episode because i feel like it

(i'm starting this after episode 4 but it will be a WHILE before i post it)

episode 1: "bones are a lie peddled by Big Milk" - alice

i love this one because it's a great introduction to alice i think. also it radiates spiral so i hope we get avatar alice not dead alice (isnt there a podcast called alice isnt dead?)

episode 2: "If I wanted to clear the canvas, I would have used turpentine." - statement

this one was just fucking powerful and caught me so off guard like 😶

episode 3: "What would I do without her?" - statement

the norris statement <3 it feels like martin asking what he would do without jon which makes mag200 a lot sadder and i love them

episode 4: "Perhaps you shall prove a stronger will than I, and will yet find it within yourself to destroy this hungry thing of wood and cat-gut." - statement

augustus sighting #1 and we immediately get jonah magnus expressing that it may be possible for gwen bouchard unknown family member to overcome the eye's hunger spooky violin

episode 5: "Voyeur needs to be seen to be believed." - statement

i feel like this one is pretty reflective of how the seasons gonna go? like if you explain the events of tma (mag200 specifically) no one's gonna believe you, it must be seen to be believed!! and also seen!! like the eye!!!

episode 6: "Not sca- This isn’t some poxy blood test, some little pinprick, this is hundreds, thousands of razor sharp points pushing into your flesh." - needles

i love needles so much and i thought this was really funny because it was like "you dont find me scary!! what the fuck!!!" just kind of toddler michael energy

episode 7: "It’s not like we’re wrestling with tape recorders and manila folders." - celia

STOP IT. celia you can't say that you just cannot!!!!!! you Know™ too much maam i cant with you

episode 8: "Pleasure to meet you both. I’m Gerry!"

RAGHHHHH OH MY GOD GERRY!!!! i love him so much and idk how to handle him being alive in the tmagp universe!! gertrude too but idk we got so much of her in tma and not nearly enough of gerry

episode 9: "And honestly, it’s kind of compelling by this point." - sam

they got him 😔😔 the horrors got sam 😔😔 also i found this to be an interesting contrast to jon's heavy resistance in season 1 like he was being compelled but he wasn't going to let anyone know that vs sam "its kinda compelling to trauma dump on this paperwork :]" how is he somehow even more victim material

episode 10: "Gosh you’re sexy, here’s a twenty for your trouble.” - alice

does this count as a quote if shes also quoting what she thinks sam should say? idk anyway i love her i would say that to her if given the chance and it was very silly. i will not be addressing bonzo i am scared.

episode 11: "...Thank you, Alice" - gwen

dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard. okay also, the way she CRUMBLED at the idea of anyone doing anything nice for her please someone give her a hug and let it be ME. this series is tossing me back and forth between sam & alice (what is their ship name) and dyhard but this put me back to dyhard

episode 12: "You know it's rude to have absolutely no game?" - alice

she's so fucking funny i need her to be okay so badly!!!! i don't think even tim made me laugh as much as she makes me chuckle and this one really got me. it's hard to write such a comedic character in a podcast since you only have the voice but they really nailed it i adore her

episode 13: "Is it my fault?" - gwen

each of these episodes just reveal a little bit more about how loving and soft gwen is and idk i love her so unbelievably much so seeing that she felt guilt about the bonzo stuff just made her so much more real :(

episode 14: "Christ, they’re in the walls…" - statement

theyre in the walls!!! theyre in the goddamn walls!!!!! anyway that got me because i realized the hole before the statement said it. made more sad than scared tbh

episode 15: "Babies are cool!" - alice this entire interaction between her and sam & celia was so awkward, she is so obvious and i love her anyway

episode 16: "It’s not like I was holding doors open for Mr Bonzo or anything." - gwen my wife is so so so stupid but i adore her AND this gives room for character development. i wish she did not do that though. i love when characters are flawed and have depth but i struggled to get past THIS flaw of hers

episode 17: "Thanks, I guess. Not exactly the same, though, is it?" - celia shes talking TO JON IN THE COMPUTER. SHE KNOWS. i lost my damn mind i love her i love her. get the gay people out of the puter please queen

episode 18: "Why would I need to talk to you? Your work is satisfactory. Unless you have a work-related issue I could assist you with?" - lena solidified my opinion that lena is the best boss to ever have, i adore her and i would want to work for her if she wasn't the boss of Creepy Establishment #1

episode 19: "You’re going to throw it in the fishtank, aren’t you?" - alice colin's behavior is like really worrying BUT i'm glad he's back. i was not convinced he was still alive

episode 20: "I suppose it’s too late for remorse, isn’t it? And why should I be sorry? This is what I deserve!" - ink5oul/statement they reminded me of jon a lot, like especially his season 3/4 transformation when he doesn't quite know everything but he knows he isn't who he was in season 1 anymore, i hope we see more of their life and they can be helped :(

episode 21: [Tape Recorder Bites Ink5oul] - audio description i know it's not technically a quote but this is just so fucking funny. why does it have teeth. what does this mean for the lore. holy shit.

episode 22: "Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood" - celia. knawing at the walls of my enclosure i am so not okay. i'm not okay. wtf. wtf. wtf. they're real. wtf.

episode 23: "I had a favorite mug. It said “love you, bitch” and had a picture of a drunk dog on it." - alice. okay i just love this entire interaction because gwen got to open up a little bit and my dyhard heart is so full

episode 24: "I am told that children like me, and I’ve always held the opinion that the world would be a better place if everyone just thought more." - basira. once again this whole interaction was so fun but like idk i loved hearing basira somewhat happy and in a safe place :] my wife <3

episode 25: " I am trying to help, to save us from this goddamned fucking nightmare machine!" - colin. MAN I REALLY WAS ROOTING FOR YOU!!! I WAS SO CONFIDENT YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE!!!! it's over

episode 26: "I was worrying for a moment that you were Magnussing." - alice. MAGNUSSING BEING CANON MADE ME SAY IT EVEN MORE I'VE SAID IT LIKE TWICE ALREADY

episode 27: "You didn’t tell me the room was labelled, “Archivist.”" - celia. oooooh somebody's got TRAUMAAAAA LMAO

episode 28: "So you’re telling me you know nothing about an OIAR external contract being found with the bodies of two tattooed thugs who met rather grisly ends?" - TREVOR HERBERT???? anyway. ink5oul mention!!!!! i hope they stop killing people it's really rude

episode 29: "Alice, er… we’ve got to talk. It’s important." - teddy. i knew it was over for him but i didn't think it was gonna be THIS bad??? bye babe i guess??? 😭

episode 30: how do i even pick. the whole fucking episode. i can't. i am in a state of shock. i need to lay down for 30 years.

[pissfaggit]

Okay I'm ready now

[capybaraonabicycle]

Doctor: Huh, is that who I am now?

Donna: It was never that far from the surface, mate.

Doctor: frowns Yes, it was! You know I used to be a woman. And that made people... assume all sorts of stuff. And - and pretending to be Graham's wife for five minutes was bad enough but - Byron? That was torture. Does the man ever stop talking?

Donna: Takes one to know one

Doctor: Oi! I just mean, there were all these men people assumed I would be into and I - and I just - I just wanted -

Donna: I know, darling.

Doctor: softly I just wanted Yaz.

Donna: I know. - There was one man, though, remember?

Doctor: No, there wasn't! I don't fancy the Master!

Donna: ...

Doctor: Okay, fine. But the Master isn't a man. He's like me! Flexible - uh - timelord gender and stuff.

Donna: Sure.

Doctor: So, anyway, I have always been primarily into wom-

Donna: What about Jack Harkness?

Doctor: - Jack doesn't count, everyone fancies Jack.

Donna: ...fair enough.