#A Funeral of Flowers is one of my favorite tracks in the game

[saturns-rings-robins-wings]

A funeral of flowers (thunder)

[beanswrites]

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮

ft. Venti, Keaya, Zhongli, Childe, Arataki Itto, Thoma

hehe hi guys!! i know i haven't been active like at ALL but i'm here now! honestly life has gotten so busy plus i fell into a bit of a writer's block but here we are again and Fic Friday with Beans is finally starting (forreal, this time)

this is actually the first time i've written for genshin!! it's been a long time comming. can you tell that itto is my favorite character

Tags: genshin impact, genshin men from mondstadt, liyue and inazuma, venti, keaya, zhongli, childe, arataki itto, thoma, gender neutral reader, no pronouns, fluff, confessing feelings, kinda angst in Childe's part??

Warnings: none

Word count: about 250 for everyone

Part two??

masterlist | rules for requesting

Venti:

In all of his hundreds and thousands of years of existance, Venti has always been quite flirty, especially when drunk. You, having known him all your life, knew this, and accepted it as one of the many characterists of the playful god. It's not as if he wasn't like that with you, either! Almost every time you and him went out to the Rowdy Raven, the night would end with him murmuring sweet nothings and playful pick-up lines at you. You always brushed it off, assuming it was the alcohol that was talking.

However, his sweet words have nothing to do with alcohol. Sober or drunk, he still meant everything he said, word for word. During the next Windblume festival, in which was normal to celebrate your loved ones, the bubbly archon greeted you with his lyre.

"I wrote a song about you, Y/n!"

Then, he sang, and goosebumps rose on your skin. It was the most romantic song you've heard, the soft tunes matching with the heartfelt lyrics. Once he finished the song, tears were prickling in the corners of your eyes.

"So all of that you said in the tavern..."

"Yeah, I meant it! I love you, Y/n, I always have!"

Keaya:

Even though Keaya was the flirtiest person the Knights of Favonious ever saw, he never flirted because of actual feelings. It was all fun and games to him! That's why, even though your heart hoped for the handsome captain to actually mean the sweet words he says, your head had to remind you that flirting with you wasn't any different to him than talking to any other.

However, lately Keaya has been extra sweet with you. Not just his regular flirts, not even the smug, sexy way he smiles to all the gorgeous Mondstadt citizen. No, in the last couple of days the Cavalry Captain had his eyes glued on you and you only. Every single one of his breaks he spent with you, often joining you for a walk and maybe a drink after his work days end. Once on those walks around the streets of Mondstadt, you suddenly stopped in your tracks:

"Keaya, why do give me so much of your attention? You don't chit-chat with the ladies at the fountain on your way to work, and I even noticed you don't really hang out with Rosaria anymore... What's up with that?"

"Well, lately I've had my eyes, and dare I say heart, set on a certain someone..." He looked at you lovingly, a spark of genuine affection gleaming in his icy blue eyes.

Zhongli:

Zhongli is a god, an Archon, a divine creature - and divine creatures don't quite understand romance, and the gestures representing it. As soon as you met him, he's always been really friendly with you, always making the time to be with you in spite of his busy schedule. He has invited you to dinner with him and Childe (even though it was technically supposed to be a business dinner) multiple times and brought you flowers a couple of times, as he saw other humans doing it too.

Unfortunately, Zhongli didn't really know that he was supposed to say his feelings - in fact, he didn't even know what he was feeling. Before becoming mortal, he couldn't feel these feelings nor understand them the best. Now, all of this was so new to him that he didn't know how to act or what to do.

One day, as he once again cleared his schedual at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor to hang out with you, he asked:

"Y/n, Childe tells me you didn't know I felt admiration and endearment towards you. Is this true? Have I not shown it properly?"

"Uh.. What?! Zhongli, are you saying that you.. Fell in love with me?"

"Yes, I am. Have I done something wrong to show it?"

Childe:

Much like Keaya, Childe had a naturally flirty personality. Perhaps, not flirty - no, the real word to describe him was smug. Tartaglia was smug. Even when speaking with and threatening his greatest enemies, The Fatui harbinger always managed to lightly chuckle seductivly and even slip some snarky nicknames and comments into the conversation. Nothing has changed since you first met him - he still acts the same with you, a friend Zhongli has introduced him to.

Except, you're not just his friend, and the both of you know that. There's been a shift in the atmosphere between the two of you lately, but neither wants to admit it. Childe, mostly, because he's scared. Somebody with such a dangerous job as him could never be the loving boyfriend you deserved.

One day, he was supposed to leave Liyue Harbor for a mission, for archons-know-how long. It could be a couple of days or a couple of months, and he didn't want to leave you without a proper goodbye. So, here he was on your doorstep, and immediately cutting you off before you even tried to ask what he was doing:

"Y/n, I have to go. I don't know how long I'll be away for, and before I go, I wanted to let you know that I love you"

Arataki Itto:

Itto is a lot of things, but most of all, the Oni is loud. About everything in his life. Almost never being the one to shy away from a fight or hide his feelings, he immediately wanted to tell you as soon as he realized he had fallen for you. However, you were different, special even, and he couldn't just march into your house and tell you loud and clear that he loves you, but that simply wouldn't do. So, he decided to discuss his confession with the Arataki gang.

"C'mon, guys, think! Should I bring flowers? Or maybe some lollipops? OH! How about we sing a song? Yeah, that'd be EPIC! But no, no no no, we can't scare her..."

"Uh, boss..? What if she rejects you?" Akira asked. Itto burst into a loud laugh.

"The great Arataki Itto doesn't get rejected! I mean, I'd be cool even if she, ya know, didn't feel that way, but that's never going to happen! Now I just gotta think of a way to tell her..."

Kuki finally joined the conversation.

"Boss, why don't you just tell her that you need to talk, and then just say what you're feeling?"

So he did exactly that. Even though Shinobu was a bit inexperienced with romance and love, she was still the smartest member of the Arataki Gang, so she must be right!

"Hey, Y/n! Uhh, could you, I mean.. Uh.. I wanna talk about something! Yeah, yeah, I wanna tell you something! You got time?"

"Uh, sure, Itto! What's up?" You asked with a smile.

"I, uhm.. Lately I realised that you are really, really cool and awesome- I mean of course you are, you are part of the Arataki gang! But, uh.. I kinda realized that maybe you're "I'm in love with you" awesome, and not just "Yooo my guy" kinda awesome..."

"Awww, that's sweet Itto- Wait. What?!"

Thoma:

Thoma is a real sweetheart, with a heart of gold. Nobody could deny it! And you knew that very well. So, naturally, when he started being extra nice to you and cooking you meals and helping you with your chores around the Kamisato estate, you just wrote it off as him being kind like he always was. And it was making him lose his mind.

The poor guy tried everything to make you see that he likes, no - loves you, but each one of his tries is unsuccessful. He even starts thinking that maybe you have realized that he's flirting with you, but nevertheless ignored him! Saddened by your cluelesness, he decides to stop these little activities with you, and you notice that he's being a lot colder than usual.

"Hey, Thoma.. What's wrong? Why do you not want to talk to me anymore?"

"Because you're not getting that I love you"

"What?! You're in love with me? So all these nice things you did were-"

"Yeah, heh, flirting. I was flirting with you, Y/n, because I'm in love with you"

Thanks for reading!! Love you guys!! Requests coming soon!

[lambourngb]

day 1 who do you think you are - character recs

Creator’s Week 2021 for @roswellnewmexicocreate - Day 1 : Character Recs

This is my favorite fandom event, and my third year doing it. The last year was really difficult, and fanfic more than ever was my escape from it.  Shout out to all the writers, commenters, and lurkers who kept fandom going during it.

Rosa Ortecho:

heal it or break it all apart by @adiwriting​ : (7,600) All Rosa’s ever done is break things. Her entire life she’s destroyed everything she’s ever touched. So it’s really no surprise when she comes back that her powers do the same. Alternatively- 4 times somebody tries to get Rosa to seek help with her powers and one time she decides to help herself.  GEN

why i like it: I pretty much love whatever Britt writes, but in the light of how season 3 is going, I found myself returning to this fic more than a few times. She really captures the fierce but vulnerable Rosa in this beautifully.

Kyle Valenti:

at every occasion i’ll be ready for a funeral by @bydayornight  (1,330) Kyle goes on a vacation after the events of 3x04 and meets an unlikely beach companion. GEN

why i like it: Christine has become one of my new favorite writers, and has been a season 3 coda writing machine. Here is where we all would like Kyle to be - lounging on a beach without a care in the world (with that RNM twist! lol)  She also does a brilliant job with the Kyle and Michael vibes here.

Maria Deluca:

Butter(bar)flies by @andrea-lyn​ (4,447) When all of Maria’s people fly away for new opportunities, she needs to find new ones. The lost decade and what should have been. MILUCA

why i like it: Manda has written some of my favorite stories, and even has dragged me into Ted Lasso, but this little lost decade AU is one of my favorites. She captures the flirty vibe of season 1 Michael/Maria, and inserts it into a time when it really makes sense to me for that a friends-with-benefits-relationship should have begun, to give weight to a choice for Michael. Maria is wonderfully characterized here, and it really makes it clear how a real love triangle should have been structured.

Liz Ortecho:

heart of lightning (a roswellian tale) by @bitch-ass-aliens​ (20,095) When Ser Elizabeth Ortecho of the Roswellian Court is sent by Queen Isobel to retrieve the heart of the missing King Maxwell from a fearsome lightning dragon guarding it, she knows success could bring her one step closer to completing a quest of her own. Ten years ago, a mage named Ophiuchus curse her sister with eternal slumber, and Liz has been searching for him ever since. Saving the king could be the key to learning Ophiuchus's true identity and saving Rosa. But the dragon is not what it appears to be. Soon Liz finds herself needing to guard her heart from feelings forgotten long ago as she and her friends journey back to Roswell, King Max by their side, with more than just the fate of Rosa hanging in the balance. For Ophiuchus's plans are bigger and more dangerous than any of them realize. ECHO

why i like it: This was part of the RNM Big Bang last year and as a fellow participant, I did my best to read and feedback the other submissions, which meant reading something that wasn’t Malex 😂🤯 - suz made it easy, writing a beautifully detailed medieval AU that retold the story of Rosa, Noah, and Max’s S1 sacrifice, through the amazing POV of Ser Liz. This story had everything I love about Liz- her devotion to her family, her bravery in doing hard things, and her love for Max.

Max Evans:

highway to the sun by @angsty-nerd​  (22,236) Noah’s heart is failing, and Max is on the verge of death. His final wish is to see Liz one last time, so he and Michael road trip to Los Angeles so that Max can say his goodbyes. ECHO

why i like it: Another part of the 2020 RNM Big Bang - Instead of a focus on Liz in this Echo story, we’re deep in the psyche of Max Evans, who is trying to tie up loose ends before he dies. I love the atmosphere of the road trip, the sadness of the clock that Max is trying to run out, and the whole Michael/Max brotherly bond in this story. It’s got all the sweet elements of some of my favorite romantic dramas - like “Beaches” or “Dying Young”, but mixed with the sci fi of RNM. Even though it was written pre-season 3, I really love how it ties up season 2 here.

Alex Manes:

i’m just like my mother, we both love to run @meneatyoghurt​ (5,211) After what his dad does, he runs and runs and runs. A look at Alex's relationship with running, from track and field to leaving Roswell. MALEX IMPLIED

why i like it: Alex is one of my favorite characters on RNM, mostly because of how hard he tries in spite of his flaws. I love a good story that focuses on why it’s a struggle for Alex to be present, and doesn’t shy away from the fallout of his actions. This is a gorgeous look into Alex and his tendency to run to feel safe, and how that affects his relationships, and why he wants to stop. I just have a lot of feelings about Alex, especially after reading this.

Michael Guerin : 

looking for yourself out there by @haloud (6,670)  It’s early; it’s a weeknight. Michael can only be here to get blasted or for Marco himself, and both of them know it.It’s been a while since this was a game, for Michael. The flirting he did with Maria was something else, a class all her own. Sex, and the lead up to sex, for the longest time was either life-or-death or it was a helpless, hopeless lashing out for any human contact. (It was either Alex, or it was Maria, or it wasn’t.)So this is nice. MICHAEL/OTHER

why i like it: I privately think hal understands Michael Guerin like no other, and their fic is just a delight for anyone who wants to look under that macho cowboy exterior to see him. One of the things we both agree on as Michael Guerin fans, is that Alex is not the male exception for Michael. And while the show will probably never deliver a Michael/OMC storyline like they have with Max/Jenna, Isobel/Blair, Liz/Heath, Alex/Forrest - that’s what fanfic is for and this story is so satisfiying. If you don’t come away from this story loving Marco and wishing he was real... I don’t know what to tell you. I was so inspired by it, I wrote my own Michael/OMC story.

Isobel Evans:

future starts slow by @foramomentonly​ (4,799) The bartop is sticky, but Maria's skin is clean and soft.This is how it starts. Brushes of fingers as Maria passes over a glass of wine; her cool, dry hand cupping Isobel's wrist as she reads her palm; Isobel's fingertips pressed to Maria's temples, wisps of curls caught around her knuckles as they practice combining their powers. MARIBEL

why i like it: It’s just facts that Maria and Isobel have incredible chemistry, their banter is off the charts, and I love this sexy story of Isobel approaching Maria for more after they’ve been circling each other for a while. It’s a gorgeous look at two strong women who very rarely let down their guards, but for each other, they do. The sex is really hot, but I think what lingers most with me is how this story rewards the swan dive of hope, Isobel after a lifetime of “being who she should be” becomes who she wants to be, a woman who loves fiercely but not destructively. Of course, Maria is no wilting flower here, which makes it all the sweeter.

If you like any of these recs, please leave a comment on the story- a ‘this was awesome’ is enough to propell an author into the stratosphere with happiness, so don’t worry about coming up with a unique, never before shared insight- sometimes a keyboard smash and emogi makes all the difference! 

[likeawildthing]

Not to be morbid on main, but everyone dies and people are rarely prepared for it. It’s so much easier when you know your loved one’s wishes. So even if you’re a teenager or twenty-three and healthy, I hope this helps you start thinking about end-of-life wishes, because it can happen to us all (both the dying and, rudely, being died upon).

Cremations are an affordable way to subvert the funeral industry, but going this route puts the burden of “the little things” on the family. I’ve learned a lot in the last 36 hours and wanted to pass those things that weren’t on any checklists, because the burden is on you to navigate the process.

Putting this under a cut because it’s so long (although not comprehensive). Obviously some of this is altered because COVID and some is meant to be applicable in some distant, theoretical future when we can go out to lunch again.

Before you die

Think about it, talk about it, write it down

Think about what kind of rememberance you want, if any. If it doesn’t matter, tell people that so they don’t fret about it and grieve in whatever way works best for them.

Communicate now to save your family and friends angst later.

Build an “in case of death” binder, zip drive, google doc with links, etc. Make sure your passwords are up to date so that’s not an administrative nightmare for your loved ones.

Advanced directives. Here’s a great article explaining the types of medical advanced directives and decisions to make before an accident or illness happens, including whether you want to donate your organs.

We lost grandma for about twenty minutes yesteday because we couldn’t find the paperwork and grandpa couldn’t remember where they signed up for services. Death. Binder. Have a death binder/folder/zip drive so no one loses grandma.

Insurance. 

You likely have insurance through work, so consider that. It will also expire if you leave your job.

You can usually get, with minimal fuss, a 10- or 20-year term policy with enough to cover your arrangements and debts for less than $20 a month. Death expenses are anywhere from $5-$20k, conservatively. 

Talk to your auto insurance agent and score a multi-line discount.

Body snatchers. 

If you want to be cremated, talk to a local crematory beforehand and give them your basic information. It can be paid out of your estate (i.e. by your family or a life insurance policy) when it happens. 

Most funeral homes (I believe) require pre-payment. It’s super morbid but there are TONS of heavily discounted grave sites for sale on Craigslist if that’s the route you want to go. 

Here’s a list of certified green burial sites in the US.

Donating your body to science 101.

Memorial service. 

The idea of a “proper” funeral is more or less out the window, especially in the time of COVID. Celebration of life? Religious ceremony (or not)? A picnic at your favorite park? Anything goes, so figure it out now. 

When my sister-in-law died, we had a celebration of life at a non-profit who donated the space and had a poker tournament with her ash tin (she lost). 

Whether you have strong or no preferences, write that down to guide decision-making. 

Memorials. 

Traditionally people would donate money in the event of a death to a charity, foundation, or family account, or flowers to a funeral home or church.

 Family accounts (like for children) are traditionally done in care of the deceased’s bank but online fundraisers are a thing. 

If you have a particular charity you love, add this to your list of wishes.

Food. 

Before COVID it was pretty typical for there to be some kind of meal after a funeral. Will this be a restaurant? 

This is ultimately up to the family but if you have strong preferences (i.e. no church or Italian food), tell people now.

Obituary. 

Writing down the basic facts of your life, hobbies, and accomplishments you want included in your obituary means your family doesn’t have to do a guessing game. 

Plants, animals, stuff, etc.

Do you want your clothes to go to a specific charity? 

Do you NOT want your stuff to go to a specific charity? (Goodwill is terrible!)

Who will get your car (person, donate, sell)? Want to have your record collection to go one sister? Obviously family will divvy up stuff how they like, but write down any special considerations.

Have a plan for your pets (insurance, vet info, guardianship).

Please organize and digitize your photos if they aren’t already.

If you lose someone close:

Identify the primary griever

Support that person/those people by providing feedback when solicited, running errands as needed, and running interference so they aren’t inundated with all the little things.

Notifying people

Use the phone tree method. Great Aunt M will be happy to help by calling your cousins. Your boss, coworkers and HR. Your mom’s best friend/your adoptive aunt, your mom’s bunco group. 

Ask that family not put anything on social media until the principal people are informed. I found out my grandpa died on facebook!

Esp these days, set boundaries for visits (who, where, and in what capacity).

Designate one person to be the primary contact for extended family to keep the burden off the primary griever(s). 

Give this persons’ information when the first phone calls are made. It also makes sense for this person to be the travel coordinator. 

This person should have a good handle on family dynamics (i.e. my aunt is flying in and would drive my grandma nuts so she’s staying with Mom). 

This should be their only task because it’s time consuming.

Food

When people die, people gather, even in the time of COVID. Be responsible but expect a ton of drop by food. Clean out the primary griever’s fridge in anticipaton.

Organization

Start a shared family Google doc or sheet. Consolidate to do lists, anecdotes, important contact information, questions and inquiries, etc. 

Pay to have the houses of anyone hosting (gatherings, people coming in from out of town, etc.) cleaned. Or, delegate. This can be an act of service for someone who wants to help and doesn’t mind doing the work. 

Find the death binder (hopefully), legal documentation, etc. Get a folder or binder for papers if one doesn’t exist. And start a shared google doc for loved ones to track everything.

Delegate

I know I have said this three times, but it’s important. If you’re a primary decision maker do not be the primary do-er. My mom is the primary decision maker so my sisters and I are doing literally everything else. 

Say YES when people ask if they can help you. Look at your running list of to-dos and say yes.

Pay to have the houses of people who are hosting cleaned. It will seriously be such a life saver, or this can be an act of service for someone who wants to help.

Social media

You will need to decide what to do with a person’s social media. Do you start a tribute page? Turn their facebook (if they’re old) into a tribute page for a time? Indefinitely? Things to think about. 

Thank yous

Keep a running list of people to thank after via hand-written thank you notes. The link includes guidelines on 

who should receive a thank you note (gave flowers, brought food, made donations, helped with arrangements or the service(s), did readings, or went well out of their way to warm your heart or show up)

when to send them (ideally 2-3 weeks after the funeral)

here’s how to write them (it doesn’t matter if you buy fancy, ones or dollar store ones, make sure they’re hand written).

Receipts. 

Don’t be the petty biatch your cousins hate, but do save significant receipts to be reimbursed by the estate. (I.e. catering hundreds of dollars of food, paying $250 for programs and thank-you cards like I just did, etc.)

Service.

You will have a million decisions to make including

what kind of service to hold, if any

where to hold it

costs

hymns, readings, and anecdotes to share

who will be pall bearers, readers, vocalists, and give eulogies

Crematories handle cremation only, not the service details. 

you will need photo boards (Hobby Lobby has nice black foamcore ones) or a powerpoint (and a way to display it depending on the venue)

a guest or memorial book

a card basket,

memorial cards, possibly programs, and thank you cards 

Officiants, musicians, religious institutions, etc. all need to be paid (and tipped) for their time.

If we ever wrangle this pandemic, donating funeral flowers to a nursing homes is a fantastic way to brighten residents’ days. 

Obituary.

Obituaries are expected, but traditionally costly ($200-$800). As part of the publishing fee, most newspapers keep the obituary on legacy.com indefinitely.

A funeral home will assist you with this, but the burden will be on you and your loved ones if using other methods. 

These take hours to write and many hands does not make light work. Keep it to 2-4 key people. Having the facts laid out will help, and so will looking at other obituaries. I read a great tip which was to write about your loved one in present tense first, then change the tense before submission. 

Newspapers will update your spelling and grammar but that’s about it. Cheaper alternatives: 

Death notice which gives age, date and location of death, and who is handling funeral arrangements. Our crematory put in the death notice for us because they had her body, but the requirements on this likely vary state-to-state. 

Here is a place to put a free online obituary.

Plants, animals, stuff, etc. 

Save the plants and pets. 

Household misc. are usually not dictated by the will, except in special circumstances or contested items. Closest members will go through possessions first. Voice early if you want something in particular, but understand that you may not get it. That’s ok. 

Going through someone’s life is an overwhelming process. You may be repulsed and sad and overwhelmed and amused, all at the same time.  

In deciding what to keep, as I’ve now cleared out three houses, I’ve found that quality over quantity is the way to go. The sweet spot? 1-2 sentimental + useful things. My great grandmother’s thimble and juicer? Use them all the time, and I remember her lemonade. 

It’s okay to throw away some keepsakes and let things get thrown out or donated, depending on the thing. 

Don’t give into guilt if you don’t want the china your Aunt Karen is pressuring you into taking when she doesn’t want it either.

Legal stuff. 

If someone dies, there will be all kinds of legal things you will need to do (bank accounts, utilities, debtors, education, etc.), investments or 401k, etc. 

This varies too much by state and circumstance to talk about in depth but there are guides to specifically help you.

If someone you love has lost someone they love

Do not give platitudes or ask if they’re ok

Don’t expect a response from someone grieving

Do send a card! It’s so thoughtful. I keep a stack of blank condolence cards and a set of forever stamps in my closet. It doesn’t have to be a $20 card to be special.

Don’t judge someone by how they grieve

Offer specific, actionable help if you’re close enough to give it

I am going to come over and clean at 10, leave the house unlocked

I’m at the store and am going to buy cheap vodka unless you tell me what kind of wine you want

oops I got you an uber eats gift card in your gmail sorry/not sorry

Buy thank you cards with stamps as a condolence gift, depending on the person and situation

Send a plant instead of a bouquet of flowers

Make a donation in the loved one’s name if you have the funds

If the grieving person is someone super close (best friend, sister, etc.) add the date in your recurring calender so you can check up on them this day next year with a card and/or phone call

[mxvladdy]

Good hell, your True Form series is the absolute best! (and totally canon for me tbh). I saw that we can drop you a prompt and I wanted to ask, if you can do one where the obey boys comfort an Mc who lost someone dear to them? It's totally alright if you dont want to! I hope you are having safe and healthy days!

Thankie anon! I hope you are well too! My condolences if you have lost someone ;.; I hope you like this and I’m stoked you like my True Form series!  

Diavolo

Loss is not a new concept to him. Like many on the student council, he is well versed in it. The emotional strain can be numbing, and was numbing to him at one point in his life. He can’t really remember it now though. When was the last time he actually felt grief over a fallen companion?

But humans are different. Time is a scant commodity to mortals. Lose could stick to a human for their entire lifetime. When you come to him he is distraught. He hates seeing you in any form of discomfort. The best he can offer you is his undivided attention and shoulder if you need it. He is actually full of comforting and wise words from all the lifetimes he has experienced.

If you need time topside he’ll arrange a portal for you and you just take all the time you need. His program is not more important than family in his eyes. If you would like him to accompany you then he shall gladly. Sends the biggest, yet most tasteful flower arrangement to the funeral home and to the gravestone.

Barbatos

Probably has the hardest time relating to such a concept. The finite idea of time is something he struggles to conceptualize. Unless he physically wipes someone from the planes of existence he can, to a certain extent, simply find them in another stream.

He knows not to offer or bring up that idea to you. You don’t ask him to either. His abilities have ironically a time and a place. This situation is not one of those. It upsets you but there is nothing you can do about it.

He will distract you instead, taking you on errands and shopping trips around the Devildom. He will indulge your human curiosity under his watchful eyes. Then, he will take you to the kitchens and brew you something strong. If you need to vent while he cooks please feel free, he wants to listen. Nothing you say or do will pass through this room.  

Solomon

Being human, and yet not, he understands the most out of everyone. He has loved and lost a great deal in his lifetimes. Some of which is still a raw wound on his heart. He is very much someone who will avoid talking about his feelings or things that dredge up his past failings.

If you come to him he will give you coping skills and drag you around the Devildom to take your mind off of your thoughts. He’ll take you for walks or to the woods. Is it dangerous? Yes. But the distraction of self-preservation has always worked for him.

During all of this, he will check in on you. If none of his tactics work he’ll cave, taking you to sit on the nearest comfortable surface. He’ll ask you little things about them or your relationship and reply in kind, albeit stiffly. It’s-nice. Some human bonding he didn’t expect. In a way, you both console each other.  

Luke

He’s an angel in training. He can help! Simone has been teaching him! He’s excited but knows he has to tone it down. He’ll recite all the verses and words of wisdom he’s picked up from Simone and Michael.

He’ll sulk a little if it doesn’t help. Well, that’s fine, he will just have to study harder for you! Till then he’ll try other methods. He’s goto is homemade cakes and hugs. He will want you to help baking (he can’t reach the top oven shhhhh).

You naturally take over after a while, and as time in the kitchen progresses you teach him a few recipes that your late loved ones had taught you or were their favorites. It makes you feel better, it’s cathartic. The smell reminds you of home. Luke will memorize each recipe and will make them for you whenever he thinks you're feeling down.

Simone

The first to offer you his condolences and a warm hug. He is very vigilant of you and your mood for weeks after you had confided in him of your loss. His words of wisdom and experience with working with souls were more comforting than with Luke.

He will ask Diavolo to take you outside of the Devildom. Just you, Luke, and himself. You may pick where. Whether it be the mortal realm or the celestial one. If you decide you want to go back home to visit your old stomping grounds then that is where they will go.

You lead him around your familiar territory, pointing out where you and yours would hang out. He’ll buy you things from their favorite stores if you allow it. Humans are sentimental and if a little bobble or trinket will soften the pain in your eyes then it is worth more than gold. Will visit the grave with you to place the things you bought on it. If you allow it will pray from them too. 

Lucifer

He lashes out at first when you come to him. It makes him feel vulnerable, his pack mark is infused with your storm of emotions. He brushes off your feelings and bristles at you trying to seek comfort in him. Familiar loss is a very touchy subject to him and bringing those feelings back to the surface for him hurts in ways he does not want to remember. It takes Simone politely (or not) reminding him it’s not about him and perhaps swallowing a bit of his pride would help you both.

He will come to you in the dead of night. He just opens up and talks to you. He’ll sit on the floor of your room with his back resting on your bed and share memories. You both laugh and recount the good, bad, and some ugly memories. You give each other great words of advice and comfort too. You fall asleep holding his hand with a soft smile on your face. Your tears have dried up hours ago. He leaves you to rest feeling lighter and closer to you in the long run.

If you invite him to the wake he will join without hesitation and hold your hand the whole time.

Mammon

He will cry with you. Seeing you like this makes him think back to the fall, it’s a lot for him. He’ll take you out drinking. It’s how he copes aside from gambling and other reckless things. Turns you into the responsible party of the night. It keeps you busy though that's for sure and side-tracked. Though, he will notice when you are uncomfortable and dips from the casinos to lead you somewhere quiet. He’ll pass a bottle between the two of you and talk about anything that comes to mind. He is bad at opening up in public. But alone and drunk, he has a bleeding heart.

He slips into his big brother persona pretty quickly once you two are alone. He may be a goofball around the others but he can be serious when the time calls for it.

He will ask all sorts of questions about them. He wants to know all about them if you are willing. He loves learning about your life and wants to make it better if he can. He will listen with rapt attention and interrupt only to laugh or ask a question. He swears over a greasy plate of food he bought you both at Hell’s kitchen to sober you that if you want him at the wake just ask.  

Leviathan  

For someone who usually stumbles over his words when you come to him for comfort, he is surprisingly eloquent. He’ll be uncomfortable with physically comforting you until you expressly ask for it.

He’ll try to distract you with video games and asinine conversations while you rest your head on his shoulder and watch. If you’re ok with it he’ll also drape his tail across your lap. The best hug he can give you while his hands are busy with his controller.

He wasn't very close to Lilthe compared to some of the other brothers but he’ll exchange little funny memories he has with you or some cringe-worthy ones to hear you laugh. Between the dim light of his room and the blue glow of his fish tank, you chat until you fall asleep. He doesn’t mind and lets you doze, still filling the dead air with little stories.

Satan

Ah...You have his sincerest condolences. It pains him to admit it but he has never truly felt loss for someone before. Things, yes. A loss of a good book, either stolen by Mammon or destroyed in a fit of rage by himself. He knows that feeling-but those aren’t the same and he knows that it is an ill-suited comparison.

He’ll lend you his ear though. Listen to whatever you have to say, or if you need to cry it out. His arms are always open for you. If you get angry he can help with that.  He knows how to channel it all to be productive or temper it so you don’t burn yourself out while you process your emotions. 

He-like Levi- will give you sage advice or find just the right words of comfort you need. During the school week if you need a break he will gladly take extra notes or turn in your assignments for you while you take some time off. He will give you some books from his personal library too after an off-handed comment about your late loved ones' favorite genre or author. They are yours if they make you happy.

Asmodeus

Sympathy tears like Mammon. He’ll listen with rapt attention and coo over you. Very touchy when he senses you are troubled. He’ll stroke your hair and let you dumb whatever weighs heavy on your heart. Hugs are the best way he knows how to comfort you.

He doesn’t try to distract you from your grief or your emotions. He knows all too well what happens when one bottles up their emotions for too long. Nasty business that. But, if you want a distraction just ask. He'll give you one. Something nice and (hopefully relaxing) maybe a night out perhaps? Or if you want to stay in he’ll pop in a movie or playlist of your choice and stay quiet. You spend the night in enjoying the physical closeness and no need to express yourself or exert energy trying to vocalize your feelings. He’ll bring out his best snack for the movies too, only the best chocolates and dried fruits for you to munch on.

If you have to plan the funeral or wake he will be there every step of the way if you want him to. He can take the reins if you are just too emotionally drained to do it. If you have ideas or plans for it he will follow them to the letter, no questions asked.

Beelzebub

It’s a lot for him. Even though his sister’s death was a millennia ago it’s still fresh in his mind. But he is strong and will do anything in his power to be there for you. The best way he knows how to cope with such pain is to exercise. If you want to, he will take you to the gym and train with you. Let you tire yourself out on a punching bag or weights.

He doesn’t have many words to say so he will just listen. The best partner for this really, you could go on for hours and he would just sit there and truly listen. He won’t judge how you cope, whether it is wailing or you just trying to act normally around campus. He will be a little bit more clingy after you tell him the news. He knows the tells of a breakdown from his twin so he wants to make sure you are not close to one.

If you invite him to the wake he will stay in the back and offer emotional support. Afterward, he’ll walk you around the local neighborhood and ask questions sporadically about how you're doing. Back at school, he will take notes to you and homework if you don’t feel like going in person.

Belphegor

Stays up with you at night if you can’t sleep due to stress or sadness. You can stay up in his room with him as long as you like and do whatever you need to get through this. Stay up or sleep with him though the day is fine. Though, if you stay up too long he will use the pack mark to make you rest. He keeps a close eye on you like his twin does.

He keeps you up in his attic room with him during the school day. Online classes are a thing and he will keep you content and warm with him till you feel up to snuff. He is smart but just lazy, though if you just can’t get the work done he’ll do it for you to turn in. Whatever, you need a break anyway.

He will fill the dead air while you rest with stories of when he would venture to the human realm with his siblings. He likes to hear stories of your childhood and adventures you had with your loved one too. He won’t offer to go to the human realm with you for the wake. But he will give you an elegant star themed decoration for the gravesite if you allow it.

[alexandrablake]

ombrophobia

word count: 1,668 warnings: this one’s a heavy one. allusion to suicide, major character deaths, language, went on a rant about how i feel when my anxiety is really bad, typical cm violence. all around angst. a/n: yeah, idk, kind of a vent writing. partially inspired by curtains close by @kermitsaysgayrights

ombrophobia (noun): an abnormal and persistent fear of the rain, often caused by negative past experiences.

Maybe it started all those years ago. The water rushing, spilling, overflowing onto her bathroom floor, her sister's body encased in it. It wasn’t the dripping that made her freeze, it wasn’t the dripping that terrified her, but it may have been the dripping  that was the beginning of the end.

She was a young girl the first time it happened and the novelty of the billowing clouds that loomed over Roslyn's fresh grave was lost on her. It was straight out of cinema, the way the sky opened up, rain pouring over the grieving party’s shoulders. 

And, back then, she considered it Roslyn’s final goodbye. She too was shedding tears over her grave, reaching out in the only way she could to take some of the weight off her family and friends. 

Years flew by, rainstorms drowning the world out every so often. She grew up with the rain, the cold, humid Pennsylvania air beckoning it. She got used to having an umbrella tucked away in her bag, she got used to games being cancelled because of poor weather, she got used to the feeling of wet hair plastered on her neck as she walked down the sidewalk.

She never got used to the gloom.

Her father died junior year, heart failure taking him from her grasp. She’d sat by his pristine hospital bed, surrounded in the flowers of well-wishers, and stared out the window. Tear-shaped droplets of water slid down the glass, racing each other to the bottom. They left tracks, bars between her and the world without grief. 

The funeral four days later was all of the same. The world around her was drowned out by the sound of water hitting earth. They’d rushed the burial, none of them wanting to stay out too long in the November rain. Far quicker than she’d wanted, her father was whisked away from her.

She was starting to get sick of the rain.

College was a breeze. Away from her mother, her house, her memories, she could forget what she’d left behind. Afterwards, she moved even further, finally finding something she wanted to do, hoping, praying, that the distance between her and her old life would finally cease the downpour. 

It did for a while. When it rained - and it did rain - there was no burden for her to carry. She’d open her umbrella, step outside, and act like nothing was wrong, because for a while, nothing was. It was easy to pretend she was okay when all she had to do was turn away from the ever growing storm cloud hanging over her. 

Her phone didn’t have disuse in the months after Elle’s resignation. Storms happened for days on end in her absence. Every time a bright flash flew across her view, she had to restrain herself from calling. 

Reid’s kidnapping was her first clue that maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t as okay with rain as she thought she was. They’d sat in that hellhole for days, eyes glued to the screen, wishing for just a tiny hint of how to help him. She’d locked herself in the bathroom, eyes averting from the tub, and stared into her own eyes in the mirror. The storm clouds had rolled into the horizon of her life. 

They’d rescued him, but the damage was done to them both. He’d hid his trauma in the depths of his mind, locked the door, and threw away the key. It was a disaster for another day for Spencer. She wished she had that luxury. 

Gideon left, leaving behind rolling claps of thunder. It was dark when Spencer had called her that dreary morning, informing her that their team member was gone, and he wouldn’t be returning. She’d hung up the phone, no tears in her eyes, but the sound of water on her window filled her ears. 

Sometimes, when it was just her, she allowed herself to cry at the sight of rain. After she was reassigned, it rained for two weeks straight, a ceaseless downpour filled her life. Will had sat by her side, arms wrapped around her shoulders, whispering words of reassurance into her hair the first time she broke down in his presence. He didn’t ask questions, as he himself had demons when it came to storms, and for that she was forever grateful.

It rained when she got off the plane after the call. For the first time she had seen rain in months, she’d wished it had been under better circumstances. Prentiss was missing, and so was a piece of herself. She didn’t carry an umbrella so the water would mingle with her salty tears. 

The conversation that she and Hotch had about Emily’s fate had taken place on a bus stop bench, the smell of fresh precipitation floating into their noses. Her hands shook when he reached to help her up, and she didn’t know if it was because of the day’s events or because she knew that her wall against the rain had a large crack in it.

Ironically, it didn’t rain at the funeral. But, god, did it storm in the aftermath. Through his tears, Reid didn’t notice hers. He didn’t notice how her gaze lingered in the collection of water on her windowsill. He didn’t notice how the shoulders his head lay on shuddered. He didn’t notice the incessant whispering that she was doing in an attempt to reassure herself. 

It was the universe laughing at her. “Oh, Jennifer Jareau is sad? Make it rain.” She knew what rain meant symbolically, she remembers that much of high school English. Yet, this was real life. Why the hell did a dark cloud just seem to be following her?

Then Will died. The explosion. Emily’s wordless apology that she couldn’t get out because of her wounds. The lack of a band on her finger. And the fucking rain. 

She had to sit with her child’s arms around her and explain over the torrent that his father was dead. His tiny fingers clutched around her ringless ones told her that he understood what she was telling him. Her eyes fell upon a picture of Rosalyn, and it was all she could do not to scream. 

Henry had insisted on wearing one of Will’s ties to the funeral, a dark blue one with the outlines of clouds on it. Fitting. Her team and what was left of their families gathered around the casket, droplets ricocheting off it as it was lowered into the ground. This time she didn’t leave early.

She sat by his headstone for what seemed like eternity before a gentle hand was laid on her shoulder. Her mother attempted a smile and murmured something about how she was going to get sick from staying out in the rain and cold. She didn’t care. 

Emily left and it rained. 

After Alex Blake retired for good, the shaking really started. Rain rolled in, and the fidgeting followed. She couldn’t sit still, not without panic rising in her chest. She was trapped in a rainy day, never escaping, no more shoulders left to cry on, no funds left to draw out of. 

Penelope tried and failed to help her. When it rained, she delivered bright flowers and had her favorite music echo throughout the hallways, a desperate attempt to drown out the sounds of the cascades on the roof. It was almost comical, but she knew Garcia was just trying to help, and for that she was grateful.

She’d sat on the couch that resided in the former office of Derek Morgan, leg bouncing, nails digging into her palm. Reid joined her every now and then, but the memories of what was no longer oozed from the walls and it was just too much for him sometimes. It was the nail for the coffin she’d lied in since she was eleven.

Little over a year later came the hammer. It was after a bad case, and the image of the girl screaming for her help danced across her vision. There was no one there to comfort her, and so she sat on the bottom of her steps, muffling her cries so she wouldn’t wake up Henry.

Her phone rang. Several times. She ignored it the first few times because there was no way she’d be able to have a functioning conversation, not with the way tears were streaming down her cheeks and air caught in her throat. But she answered when the calling kept coming.

Aaron Hotchner was dead, a collision on the freeway. The other driver hydroplaned, losing control of his car, and ran straight into Aaron. They pronounced Hotch dead on the scene, but Jack, who was riding in the passenger seat, had escaped without much harm. 

And the rain kept pouring.

There was no one to call, no one to inform, except for his brother, who didn’t seem to care too much that his own flesh and blood had just left this earth. The now orphaned Jack was placed permanently in his aunt’s care, and it seemed all too soon that Aaron Hotchner’s legacy had been washed down the storm drain. 

Because it was someone she loved, it rained at the funeral. Hotch was buried in the same cemetery as Will, close enough that if she squinted through her wet lashes, she could make out the outline of his headstone. It was a peaceful location, the spot next to Haley’s under a tree. 

But it was just drowned out by the rain.

There was nothing she could do to stop it, it was the weather, and honestly it was her fault for choosing a state with such dreary weather. But it chased her and it chased her and it chased her until she was cornered. She was cornered in a maze of grief, of loss, of heartbreak. And there was no way for her to escape.

The rain always found her.

[morganas-pendragons]

A List Of Song Recs You Didn’t Ask For

Most of you know my fics are often inspired by songs and so I’ve decided to pull together my favorites both for fics and in general - I hope you enjoy them! 

Amber Run 

- worship

- I found love 

ANGST :) 

- god knows i tried, lana del rey

- promise me, bad flower

- forest fire, brighton

- and so my heart became a void / lovers death / many are the stars i see: ursine, vulpine, annaca

- arcade, duncan laurence

- persphone, tamino

- what a time, julia michaels + niall horan

- dog days are over, florence + the machine

- I gave you all, mumford and sons

- I don’t mind, joseph

- moral of the story, ashe

- achilles come down, gang of youth *

- as the world caves in, matt maltese *

- no choir, florence and the machine *

- goodbye, avril lavigne

- please don’t go, barcelona *

- from the grave, james arthur

- train wreck, james arthur

- running up that hill, track and field *

- broken, isak danielson

- unsteady, x ambassadors

- let me down slowly, alec benjamin

- forest fire, brighton

- i’ll follow you into the dark, death cab for cutie

- one man town, elmore

- like a funeral, Eric jonasson

- i’m coming home, skylar grey

- heal, tom odell

- lo vas a olvidar, billie eilish and rosalía

- see you later, Jenna Raine

- easier, mansionair

Daughter

- medicine 

- smother

Exitmusic 

- the night

- white noise

Halsey 

- gasoline 

- castle 

- finally/beautiful stranger

- control

- clementine 

Imagine Dragons 

- believer

- thirty lives

Lewis Capaldi 

- before you go

- somebody to love

- bruises

Noah Kahan

- you’re gonna go far

- no complaints

- call your mom

- the view between villages (extended)

- false confidence

Olivia Rodrigo

- favorite crime

- traitor

- happier

Ruelle 

- game of survival 

- carry you, fleurie ft ruelle

- genesis

- war of hearts

Sleeping At Last 

- saturn

- already gone

- light

- today has been okay *

- where does the good go

- hearing 

Slowed Versions 

- slowed: to be human, marina and the diamonds

- slowed: the night we met, lord huron

- slowed: six feet under, billie eilish

- slowed: when the party’s over, billie eilish 

- slowed: little talks

- slowed: Rasputin, Boney M

- slowed: hostage, billie eilish 

- slowed: castle, Halsey

Taylor Swift 

- epiphany

- exile

- haunted

- don’t blame me 

- betty

- peace  *

- anti hero

- you’re on your own, kid

- would’ve, could’ve, should’ve

- the Great War

- losing me

- castles crumbling

Those Songs That Just Make You Go.. Wow 

- literally the entire gloria regali album by tommee profitt * this is a fave

- jenny of oldstones, florence and the machine * also a favorite

- hurt, johnny cash *

- kingdom fall, claire wyndham

- take us back, alela diane

- hello my old heart, the oh hellos

- billie jean, the civil wars

- soldiers daughter, jhameel

- to build a home, the cinematic orchestra

- at the birds foot, city and colour

- as it was, hozier

- knocking on heavens door, raign

Songs That SLAP 

- I've had enough, Melina KB 

- our word, 36 questions

- boho days, tick tick boom

- dangerous, everlove

- eleanor rigby, cody fry

- fourth of july, sufjan stevens

- horns, bryce fox

- blood in the water, grandson 

- slow farewell, dark country 5 

Melancholic Songs... I Guess? 

- things we lost in the fire, bastille 

- behind blue eyes, limp bizkit 

- fools in love, inara george 

- i was here, beyonce 

- the scientist, coldplay 

- breathe, grey’s anatomy cast

- till i fall asleep, jayme dee 

- you, keaton henson 

- you are a memory, message to bears  

- time of our lives, tyrone wells 

[rumbelleshowdown]

Author:  Porcelain Elephants

Prompt:  A lucky penny; dark cave; flexibility

Group: B

-

Flowers for Her Grave

Izzy French didn't believe in luck, whether it was in the form of horseshoes, shiny copper pennies, or anything else.  After all, she had little reason to.   She was stuck keeping her father's flower shop afloat in a town she thought she'd never return to after she left for college.  If there was any luck in the universe, Izzy would be a librarian somewhere by now.  Her mother wouldn't have died of cancer when she was six, leaving her with a man who couldn't care for himself let alone her.  Papa would stare blankly ahead for months, his hand on his drink, his mind on his dead wife, and not on the little girl who needed him.    

So Izzy had made her own luck.   Even when her heart ached for a simpler life, one that didn't involve cooking lessons from Granny or sitting with her homework at the flower shop counter, learning geometry as she cut roses, she kept going.  She kept herself afloat and grew up fast like the heroes in her storybooks, although Izzy hoped only to see the world and for a library of her own to run one day instead of magical powers or grand adventures.  (Secretly, Izzy thought she deserved powers, a little compensation from the universe for the hand she'd been dealt,  but Izzy knew fairness like luck and magic was nonexistent.) She'd thought she'd done it for a while, found a way to force the world to work in her favor.   But then Papa had his heart attack her Junior year of college and everything she'd so tirelessly built came crashing down.  

Still not everything is bad, Izzy thinks to herself as the bell on the shop door rings.  She wipes her hands on her ragged jeans and looks up at her Tuesday regular.   He's been coming here every Tuesday for as long as she remembered, precisely at 11:30 like clockwork.   Most people would be frightened of Mr. Gold given his reputation (a reputation she's sure he's helped manufactured),  but Izzy can't fear a mourning man though.  

Gold looks better than usual today.  His fingers are still white from how tightly he's gripping his cane, but his limp is less pronounced today.   His hair frames his face, instead of completely covering it.  He has a blue pocket square, as opposed to a black one.   There are a hundred little things that let Izzy know today is a good day, or at least as good a Tuesday as she's ever seen.  

"The usual, Mr. Gold?" She asks with a smile.  It's not hard to smile at him on good days.  On bad days, she barely forces herself to.  A part of her just wants to hold him, cradle him to her chest and never let him go.  She can't explain why.  Their interactions are short, and he's never sought her affection. But still, Izzy wants to give it to him, wants to know him.  

"Do you have anything a little brighter today?" Gold doesn't meet her eyes.  He never does.

"I'm sure we can find something.  Otherwise, we always have your roses."  She turns her back to him and lays out the blue paper for the bouquet before she asks her next question.  Their relationship has always been an odd one.  He occasionally offers her answers that make her own heart twist in her chest, but she can carry some of his pain, especially if he offers it so hesitantly, coded in answers to simple question.  

"What sort of flowers do you have in mind?"

"She was wearing gold the day we met.   She looked radiant, like a brief flicker of light in an ocean of darkness, and her smile..." Gold trails off as if he remembers she’s still listening.  

Izzy doesn’t push him; she never does.  She knows the rest of the town hasn't heard Gold talk about his wife because they would never be able to believe he was a heartless monster after that.  He speaks so reverently.  

"If it was summer, I'd recommend sunflowers even if they are untraditional, or more so because from what I'd heard she'd like untraditional."  She sees a tentative smile.  "However I think daffodils will do nicely."    

Every Tuesday Izzy waits with a bouquet of roses at the ready.  Occasionally, he’ll need delphinium (because they remind him of her eyes), daisies (because she always insisted they were lucky), snapdragons (because she’d drag him into their garden to dance barefoot as soon as they bloomed) or lilacs (because they’re her favorite).  But most of the time, it’s red roses, a symbol of both love and the first gift he ever gave her.  He offers these tidbits tentatively, but Izzy treasures them.  

When school is out for the summer, his son joins them, a little boy with deep brown eyes like his father.  Gold speaks little of his dead wife when Gideon is around, always staying strong even on the days when Izzy just wants to usher him into the backroom so he can just sit and cry in peace.  Not that he’ll take her up on the offer for even something as simple as tea.   They keep going, their lives completely separate, except for every Tuesday when Izzy finds herself falling a little more in love with a man who loves so deeply that he’s already buried his heart.  

Until suddenly their lives aren’t so separate anymore.  

Gold practically races into Game of Thorns as soon as it opens, the door slamming behind him. Maybe it’s because she isn’t properly awake yet, but Gold looks different.  He doesn’t lean as heavily on his cane and there’s a certain swagger in his step.  But mostly it’s his eyes.  They’re the happiest she’s ever seen them, like he’s found hope again.  He studies her face desperately.  If Izzy didn’t know any better, she’d think he was trying to memorize it.  

“I’m surprised to see you here on a Friday, Mr. Gold.”  

He gives her a half-grin. “I simply couldn’t wait.”

Izzy wonders what sort of day it is that he needs flowers so desperately.  She searches for memory for anything important.  She’s clung to the dates the way she clung to his flower choices; everything just seems so important. But there’s never been a day that makes him this happy.  All of the dates with his wife - their anniversary, their first meeting, their first date, her birthday, the day she died – those days make him shrivel into himself.   This is something different.  

“There seems to be a newcomer to town, a Miss Emma Swan.”  Gold stares at her intently.  He looks her in the eyes despite always avoiding the eye contact before.

Izzy taps her fingers against the counter.  She feels like Gold just said something important, like he’s telling her the secret to her happiness.   And she wants to remember desperately but there’s nothing there.  Just the beginnings of a headache.  

“Belle?”  He whispers the name like a prayer, speaking as reverently as he does when he’s talking about his wife.

Izzy’s confusion evaporates instantly.  She wants to scream.  He’s been here every week for years.   She’s practically fallen in love with him and he doesn’t even know her name.  

She points to her name tag far more aggressively than strictly necessary. “Izzy.   My name is Izzy.  Not even my father calls me Isabelle anymore, and no one’s ever called me Belle.”  

He steps away from the counter like he’s been burned.   “Of course, Izzy.  I didn’t mean anything- I just…”

She’s seen him lose his focus before,  heard his sentences trail off in a million difference ways.  But this time feels different.  In the past,  Izzy knew exactly where the pain was coming from, a small grave covered in flowers and books, a life half-lived and a grieving family. She understands that sort of pain.  She’s prepared flowers for every funeral in Storybrooke since her own mother’s.   This pain is something completely different.  

When Gold leaves just as quickly as he came, Izzy can’t help but feel  like it’s her fault.  When he doesn’t come to the shop on Tuesday,  her guilt grows.

On Wednesday, Izzy leaves her father in charge of the shop (It is after all his shop even if it would be bankrupt without her.  He can handle a few hours.)  She grabs the bouquet of roses and marches toward main street.  She figures it’s late enough that Gold will have dropped Gideon off at school and returned to his shop.  

Izzy pauses outside, the sudden reality of the situation hitting her.  She has never entered his domain before, even when the show windows contain something that piques her interest.  Their friendship has always been a fragile thing, stolen hours when a broken man allows himself to be seen.  It didn’t seem fair to force that sort of thing on him.   But still, even though Gold knows nothing about her, she can’t let him run away from this.   Do the brave thing and bravery will follow.  Izzy forces herself to push the door open.

“I’ll be with you shortly“ Gold exits his backroom at the sound of the bells, but he stops dead in his tracks when he sees exactly who his new customer is.  Clearly he hadn’t expected to see her.  Part of her wants to laugh at the comical look of shock on his face, but she’s far too nervous for that.

“I thought you would want these.”  She holds up the flowers weakly.  

“Izzy.”  This time it’s her name that’s said like a prayer, like it’s something special, like she’s special.    

“I didn’t like where we left things last week.”  Her voice is small and hesitant. She wishes she’d thought this through more.   Izzy had just acted.  

“I didn’t either.  I wasn’t sure if I’d be welcome back.”  

Gold shifts his weight from side to side and she briefly wonders if that hurts his bum leg at all.

“Of course, you’re welcome back.   What would we do without our number one customer?”  

The smile he gives her doesn’t quite reach his eyes.    “Would you like to stay for a while?   I have tea in the back.”  

Izzy agrees without hesitation, because even though there’s something new between them, this is what she’s always wanted.    

Tea comes more often after that and the conversations get easier.  Izzy hears him laugh for the first time at a silly joke she made, and it feels like there might be a chance for them after all.  They talk about everything, books, music, art, but the conversation always swings back around to Gideon.    The boy is eight and the brightest part of his father’s world. Gold seems desperate to share every bit of Gideon’s life with her.   She learns how much he loves history and sleeping in dinosaur footed pajamas, how he only eats his sandwiches with the crust cut off and how he follows around Henry Mills like he’s a prince.  

"He’s a good kid." Izzy remarks after hearing another of the boys’ fantastical adventures.  

"Remarkable considering who raised him."  

She doesn't know why she leans toward him, but Izzy cups his cheek like she's done it a million times before.  "You know as well as I do that there’s always the possibility to be better than our parents. Their actions do not define us.”  

The earthquake shook the flower shop. Only a few of the vases were broken, so overall not too bad.   Izzy would have been able to go about her day if it hadn’t been for Gold bursting in looking out of his mind with worry.

“Gideon.  He’s gone.  I can’t find him.”  The poor man is close to hyperventilating, barely keeping himself upright.    “I can’t lose him.  I can’t do this again.”  

Izzy hugs him tightly to her and kissing his head.   She takes the keys from him and helps usher him to the Cadillac.  She can’t explain the ache that’s going through her own body. Every inch of her feels like its screaming, but she needs to be the calm one for this.  Izzy drives to the newly formed sinkhole on the edge of town.  The crowd is already fairly large.  Sheriff Graham and his new deputy are already hard at work trying to find a way to rescue Dr. Hopper, Henry and his little shadow, Gideon.  

Despite her small stature, Izzy can’t find a hole small enough to sneak through. She knows it’s dangerous, but she would gladly contort her body into whatever shape necessary just to get her son back.  No her mind corrected.  Gold's son.   All the stories in the world don’t make you his mother.  You've only met the boy a few times.  You need to stay strong for him.  He's already lost one child; he can't lose another.  Izzy doesn’t know where that last thought came from. Gold never told her about another son, but she knows.  She’s never been more certain of anything.  

So Izzy cradles him and whispers soothing words as they wait.   She asks the necessary questions when it’s clear Gold’s worry for his son makes him more prone to violence toward the mayor than usual.  Something neither of them need, because for once they’re on the same side.  

When  Emma is hoisted the last few feet out of the elevator shaft, two scared boys clinging to her, Gold’s face is positively alight with love for his son.  Gold must not be thinking about his own limitations, because he runs and picks up the boy like he’s still a small child, cradling him close and peppering his face with kisses.  

Izzy tries to stand as close as she can without intruding on the moment.    This is not her family as much as she longs for it to be.  Gold has a wife.  Yes she lies in a cemetery with flowers Izzy helped pick out, but there’s no doubt in Izzy’s mind that Gold still loves his wife. Izzy can’t replace her, and she fears how much she wants to.  Even now, despite not knowing him, Izzy longs to embrace Gideon too, to check over every inch of his body to make sure he is truly okay.    

Maybe one day, they can be a family, she thinks to herself as she trudges back to the car.  One day she’ll be worthy to stand in his wife’s footsteps.   But for now, Izzy counts herself lucky she gets to stand so close, lucky for tea with Mr. Gold and stories of Gideon.  

-

[eatsockss]

Irondad and SteveTony Fic Recs!!

I decided to do a fic rec list bc i always see them and am So Grateful for them, esp rn bc everybody’s quarantined so what else is there to do but read fanfic. these are some of my favorite fics/some of the fics I read recently and just have open in safari rn. they’re mostly angst or whump ngl bc that’s my favorite but,,,, enjoy!

Irondad

ever in your favor by @iron--spider

Summary: Peter startles awake when someone shakes him. “Sorry, honey,” May says. Peter blinks a couple times and she comes into focus, her hair pulled back from her face. She’s trying not to look a certain way, but he can see it in her eyes anyway. She clears her throat, keeps talking. “But it’s…” She glances away, wets her lips. “You gotta get ready.” He remembers what day it is, and his heart beats like a drum at someone’s execution. But he tries to put on a mask, make it all seem normal. It’s everything but, despite the fact that he’s been dealing with reaping day since he was born, between himself, Ben and May. That fear that one of them could be taken away. Sent to surefire slaughter. But now Ben is gone, taken despite never having his name drawn from a bowl, and May’s finally safe. Now Peter’s name is in there alone. The last Parker sitting on the chopping block. He doesn’t know how to be. He doesn’t know what normal is, when the Hunger Games are looming on the horizon.

Note: this is probably my favorite ever irondad fic so like ,,, ummm ,,, Please read this

lay your weary head to rest by @the-great-escapism

Summary: “Please.” He means to say it loudly, with confidence, but it comes out as nothing more than a raspy whisper. His ears are ringing painfully, and his head feels like it’s going to explode. It hurts and hurts and hurts. “M-May,” Peter cries out to no one, feeling like a child. “Tony. Please, ‘m so tired.” He inhales and chokes on his tears. He can’t tell if it’s his imagination or not, but he’s pretty sure he hears a laugh. In which Peter gets kidnapped, and that's not even the worst part. The worst part is he's not allowed to sleep.

Priorities by JLMonroe1234

Summary: Tony had been in the cave for a month. Waiting. Planning. Healing. Biding his time until his creation would be ready and durable enough to get him home. With Yinsen's help and Tony's expertise, he would save them both. But when an injured teenager is brought into the mix, Tony must reevaluate his priorities and decide what's more important; a speedy escape, or rescuing the boy with the spider tattoo?

Return to Normal by Singing_Sirens

Summary: On his first day back, he didn’t expect the stares. Well, he expected some stares, but he didn’t think the entire hallway would just… stop. But that’s what they did. They froze, jaws hanging open, eyes wide, as he lowered his head and curled in on himself. He pushed through the attention. He set his jaw and marched forward, because he had been through worse in the last year.

Patient by alifetime

Summary: Just because Tony has retired as an Avenger, does not mean he still doesn’t have a business to run with Pepper. Since both his oldest children cannot always babysit for Morgan, he hires a babysitter. Harley didn’t really know what to think of the babysitter, and always kept a protective eye on Morgan. But she had told him that Skip was nice. She always seems to be smiling and happy whenever Skip comes to stay. It didn’t filter his concern. So when he goes college, he demands that Peter keeps an eye on him. Peter liked Skip. Until he didn’t. However, he will do anything to keep his brother and sister safe.

Identity Theft by KitCat992

Summary: It's been months since the events of Civil War, and the Avengers are doing their best to remain a team, having promised to forgive and forget. Unfortunately for them, Tony Stark's latest invention has been stolen and recovering it causes tension to reappear. Meanwhile, in Queens, Peter Parker has two main priorities on his plate — complete his midterm finals, and track down a fishbowl wearing criminal that may or may not lead him right into the hands of the Avengers. Somehow between all of this, Spider-man's identity is revealed to the Avengers, Steve and Tony's friendship may permanently be damaged due to continued hidden secrets, and Happy struggles to buy a youth-sized casket for Peter's funeral. Things were a lot easier when they were fighting over Bucky Barnes. (Or: The Avengers welcome Peter into their crazy superhero family and will do anything to protect him.) Shameless Peter whump and Protective Tony Stark.

the second law of thermodynamics by fourleafchloe

Summary: It happens the same way it always does. (It's just discipline. It's not that bad. It's fine, Peter is fine, he'll be fine--) Except he really isn't fine, and Tony knows something's up, and Peter's house of cards is falling apart, and so the story goes. — separate from other fics in the series. a recovery story full of soft irondad, found families, and (eventually) tons of fluff.

Note: this is part of a series of separate irondad fics, each one of them is incredible, so go check out this entire series.

how can the body die? (you tell me, everything) by @madasthesea

Summary: Tony felt panic creep up his spine. Something was occurring to him, slowly percolating in the back of his mind. “You said the stinger got you. Is Scorpion’s stinger venomous?” “I don’t—” Peter cut off as he groaned, the muscles in his jaw tight. “I don’t know. He upgraded—he was faster. Bigger. I—I thought I could beat him.”

oh, darling. by luna_e_stelle

Summary: "Peter?" Tony’s voice wavered with an urgency that cut through the thick haze in Peter’s mind. There was so much emotion in that one word that Peter wondered how he had ever doubted that Tony loved him. They had never said it out loud, just showed it in a way that spoke louder than words ever could. — Peter is taken, and he tries to find his way back home.

whumptober series by @iron--spider

Summary: 10 fics that fulfill whumptober prompts (i could many choose one so just go read the whole series)

Pieces of Echoes by @geekymoviemom

Summary: this is like a rewrite of the MCU integrating most of the storylines So Seamlessly with SuperFamily. Amazing series.

uneasy lies the head by @tnyystark

Summary: Two thoughts come to Peter, both at a breakneck speed he can barely handle. One: the world now thinks he is responsible for the attack in London. And Prague. And Venice. And the murder - murder; as if the man is really dead; as if the universe is kind enough to let that happen - of Mysterio. And two: the world now knows who he is.

Long Shadows by Black_Briar

Summary: Peter comes into contact with a foreign substance on a mission, and things only get worse from there.

I’ll Be Your Home (Forever and Always) by ScarletPotter

Summary: Peter didn't plan on being kidnapped, it all just sorta, maybe, happened? Peter was on his way to meet Ned when suddenly everything goes dark. When he wakes up he's restrained to a table and a man introduces himself to be Quentin Beck, and that he's going to kill him.

god did not craft us as alters, but as dying gods by helloitisafellowgay

Summary: Peter Parker is not immune to trauma. Far from it, in fact. (With great power comes great responsibility, Peter.) So when the building collapses, when the dilapidated remains of metal and concrete, and later searing scraps of plane, fall around him? Well, this is practically nothing. Practically. He’s fine, really. It just gets a little hard to breathe sometimes. Like, when he follows Happy into Stark Tower through the parking garage. Or when he turns on the news while doing homework and sees reports of a plane crash. And sure, the small fire that broke out in the chemistry lab had sent his heart racing and caused sweat to bead on the back of his neck until even Ned asked if he was okay, but it’s nothing to worry about. Regardless, he knows where those come from. But this? In which Skip Westcott is a repressed memory, until he returns.

Note: favorite fic title!

Stony

my heart is driftwood, floating down your coast by @kapteniron

Summary: Tonight, there’s a stranger in his backseat. That’s not unusual. He’s also sad. That’s not unusual either. What is unusual is that the stranger is silent. (One night, a stranger enters Steve's taxi. Nothing is the same again.)

Forever Linked by ashes0909 and athletiger

Summary: Before the door even clicked shut, he opened his mouth to let the pink petals flutter to the ground. In the center of all this mess was a single rose, not yet bloomed, but Tony knew, deep down, what this meant. But they were only teammates for sure; nothing else will go further. — “You have Hanahaki?” she asked, barely more than a whisper. He fisted out the petal from his pocket and held it out to her. “If that’s what would cause this to come out of my throat.”

Steve Rogers’ Guide to Wooing Tony Stark by Tonks22

Summary: Steve tries to woo Tony. Steve is not very good at it. Tony is oblivious.

Blue Lips, Blue Veins by @romanoff

Summary: Tony Stark is Iron Man. Before that, he was an man with bigger heart than brain. Before that, he was an asshole with a bigger mouth than sense. And before that, he was was a scared little boy. Not that it matters. Stark's always have had iron in their backbone.

Note: this is more of a character study of Tony Stark but it’s Incredible. Cannot recommend this enough.

The Butterfly Effect by @itsallavengers

Summary: While fighting with Loki, Steve Rogers from 2012 hears the two simple words: "Bucky's alive." And the whole universe ripples with the aftershocks.

Going Steady by @itsallavengers

Summary: Steve has a soft spot for the sound of Tony's heart

Hide A Heart Of War by RayShippouUchiha

Summary: “You’ve got war in your heart boy,” Howard sneers, “don’t ever try and pretend to be anything but what you are.” Tony feels the familiar burn of a flower mark being etched into his skin but he doesn’t look, doesn’t try and check to see what it is. Instead he keeps his eyes on Howard and his hands cupped around his bleeding mouth and nose.

Note: this is technically Stuckony but,,, it’s rly good so it’s going on the list.

Assorted

a primer for the small weird loves by babyloveparkner

Summary: “What are you—?” “Hold on,” Peter says, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration as the pen moves across the page. He rips out another page, then seems to grow frustrated and just opens up his notebook to start writing in it rather than stealing pages out of it. Harley feels stuck, flabbergasted and frozen, and he doesn’t know how long he sits there and watches before Peter lets out a huff and finally leans back, satisfaction in his eyes as he hands it all to Harley, all the scribbled writing and torn pages. “Read these.” Harley blinks once, slow, as he takes the offered notebook with the ripped out papers on top. “What…?” And Peter just smiles and shrugs. “They’re poems,” he says. “I looked some up, wrote down the good parts. Maybe those’ll give you that hopeful feeling that you were looking for.” or: harley runs from a homophobic town and finds solace in poetry and peter parker

the spider-man conspiracy by @tempestaurora

Summary: WHO IS SPIDER-MAN? The screen showed Peter Parker, sixteen years old and determined to prove the identity of Spider-Man over the course of the three-part documentary he was making, unknowing that it would become viral within days of the first part being released. Behind the camera, way off screen, was Harley Keener, Tony Stark’s other prodigy child, grinning like crazy as Peter started the documentary. Only a few people knew what was to come, and those few people were about to have a great few weeks. “My name is Peter Parker, and with the help of my friends, Ned Leeds, Harley Keener, and my Aunt, May Parker, who provided me with a lot of red yarn for this project, we’re going to uncover the identity of Spider-Man.” OR "what if peter just decided to fuck with everyone who didn’t know he was spider man and make a documentary about him trying to uncover the Truth."

5 times Tony kissed Rhodey and the one time Rhodey kissed back by lomku

Summary: Exactly what it says in the title.

Note: I wish I had more Ironhusband fics to rec bc i love them but they aren’t as abundant as Stony fics and the ones i’ve read most recently are Stony.

[cosmicsung]

as i live, without you; hwang hyunjin

as hard as it was, as impossible as it seemed... hyunjin would have wanted you to keep going without him.

masterlist in bio | 3.0k (inspired by as we live by sg wannabe and ghost of you by 5sos)

tw: death, angst

Hwang Hyunjin was the love of your life. Hwang Hyunjin was the reason why you wake up in the mornings and why you went to sleep with the biggest smile on your face no matter how hard the day was. He was your sun and moon. He was your everything. For the two years you both dated. For over a decade that you both were friends. Hwang Hyunjin gave you a reason to breathe up until the day where you woke up and your world split into two. 

It felt like it was just a few days ago that you were holding onto Hyunjin’s hand. His fingers laced around yours while his thumb rubbed the back of your hand. A habit of his you grew to love amongst the other lovable things that was apart of him. You still looked back at the fond memories with a heavy heart, but after the multiple therapy sessions you felt like you could at least finally enjoy looking back at them now. 

A year has passed since Hyunjin unexpectedly passed. A year since you felt your entire world crumble into pieces in front of you. Yet you could still remember the day like it happened yesterday.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

It was your average Wednesday morning. You kissed Hyunjin goodbye before he left for his classes and handed him his travel mug of coffee that you poured for him. How innocent of you to think that today would have been a normal day.  You went with your normal day. Feeding Kkami before leaving to your shift at the cafe since you didn’t have classes today. There wasn’t a worry in the world that you had.

You even wore a smile on your face the entire shift even if Jisung was talking your ear off and your feet were wearing you out. You had no reason to be upset, because even after a lengthy shift you would return back to your small, but comfy apartment to wrap your arms around your loving boyfriend and go to sleep knowing that you were perfectly content with your hectic life.

That was until Chan ran into the cafe franticly with tears already pooling in his eyes screaming about something you didn’t understand. He motioned you to follow him, pulling on your arm and yelling to your manager that it was an emergency. Your mind was spinning.

“Chan what’s going on?” You ask, trying to stay in pace with him as he ran through the hoards of people.

“It’s Hyunjin, he’s hurt.” He cries, not even turning around to look at you.

And that’s when you feel your world begin to crack under the pressure.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

It wasn’t long after that you had to say your last goodbyes to a Hyunjin that couldn’t say anything back. It felt like an eternity sitting at the funeral hall, greeting people left and right who gave you empty condolences and smiles to help ease the pain that was in your heart. Although nothing could help heal this pain that you had felt and the only thing you thought could heal it wasn’t even possible in this day and age.

You finally greeted the last family alongside Hyunjin’s family. They smiled and told you how they were hoping for the two of you to get married and start your own family together. They laughed and cried about how they wished that the wedding would’ve been when everyone came back together, not something like this.

All you could do was blankly smile before excusing yourself to cry into Chan’s arms for the tenth time that day. How could the world be so cruel?

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Hours have passed since your last conversation with Hyunjin’s family. You could tell that both sides were hurting just as much, nobody would have wanted this. Especially for someone who was as bright and prosperous as Hyunjin.

You sat in the funeral hall, against the wall across from Hyunjin’s casket. His mother asked for it to be closed after the last family came to say their goodbyes, which meant you now sat and were staring at the wooden box. The only lights that were on were the ones in the hall as everyone had left to go home besides the staff.

You didn’t have the energy left in you to leave. You wanted to be with him every moment you could until you weren’t able to anymore. Which is why you sat and stared at the casket, at his bright smiling face in the picture, and the flowers that were sent from almost every friend and family that had heard of the devastating news.

“It’s going to be okay.” A soft voice whispers, before you felt someone sit down beside you.

You turned your head to be greeted with puffy, brown eyes and a soft smile.

“What are you still doing here Chan?” You ask, before leaning your head back.

You could hear him soft chuckle before a series of sniffles leave his system. He placed his hand on your knee and rubbed it to give you comfort.

“I couldn’t just leave you here,” He answers, “We’re all suffering without him and I know you’re taking it the hardest but you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“I feel like it’s my fault. That it should’ve been my time, not his.” You whisper, feeling the too familiar ache in your chest returning. Your hands begin to shake as you begin to think back to Hyunjin. “Maybe if I kept him at home a little longer. Maybe if I just asked him to take the day off because he was already stressed. Maybe if I-”

“Y/N, you really need to stop. No one could’ve prevented this.” Chan reassures, before taking ahold of your hand, “Hyunjin wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself. You need to go on and live your life in happiness for him.”

“But how do I find happiness when the reason I wake up in the mornings is gone?” You cry, looking up at Chan.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The next few days after his funeral services ended were the worst. You sat at home, empty, most of the week while your friends came in and out of your once shared apartment. Seungmin had taken guardianship of Kkami until you were back in a better mindset of caring for another being.

Chan, Woojin and Changbin had been taking turns staying the nights to make sure you were safe, which was also recommended by your, new, therapist (thanks to Chan) and Hyunjin’s family. Jisung, Minho and Felix tried their best to bring comforting things whenever they visited after their classes.

Jisung brought over a card game that you had no energy to play, but you enjoyed watching the others play it. Minho tried to bring one of his cats to help ease the pain, but all it did was remind you of Kkami and then you cried for an hour straight. Felix brought your favorite snacks and as much as you appreciated the effort, you weren’t in the mood to be enjoying life.

Jeongin was the only one you hadn’t snapped at yet throughout the week since Hyunjin passed. You had too much of a favoring towards the boy after his numerous times that he came to the apartment to hang out with you and Hyunjin. Plus he didn’t try anything extra to help you cope. All he did on his designated day was wrap a blanket around you, cuddle up against you and put on some Disney movies. Although it didn’t help ease the pain, you did go from feeling terrible to just feeling numb.

It had almost been a week since Hyunjin passed. You were too afraid to go into the once shared bedroom because you knew his scent was on everything. From the pillows to the clothes that were left in the closet. You hadn’t step foot in the room since you were carried home by Chan after the visitation services.

Hell, it took you a few days before you agreed to shower because you were scared of closing your eyes and seeing Hyunjin’s face or seeing his reflection in the mirror.

Everything hurt and you just wished it would stop. Everything hurt and you just wished Hyunjin was back to wrap you in his arms.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

You lost track of time at this point. You didn’t know what day it was nor how long it had been since you last kissed Hyunjin’s cheek in the morning. Luckily you were good friends with the owner of the cafe you worked at, which meant you were allowed as much time off that you needed. Unfortunately it meant you didn’t leave the house at all unless one of the boys dragged you outside or it was time for your therapy sessions.

You didn’t remember the last time you got a full night’s worth of sleep. You slept on the couch now, usually with your head on someone’s lap or just in the upright position from you sitting. Still too afraid to go into your bedroom alone. Still needing the boys to go in with you whenever you needed to grab clothes from the closet.

At the point, you were too broken to the point of repair. You just wanted your Hyunjin back.

“You need to eat.” Woojin presses, sliding the bowl of ramen over to you. It was instant, but better than nothing.

You let out a sigh before poking at the noodles with the chopsticks. Just like Chan said, progress even if it was baby steps.

“Wait where is Chan?” You ask, before taking another bite into the bundle of noodles.

Woojin points to the bedroom and says he doesn’t know why Chan’s been in there for so long. It left you confused and intrigued so you put the bowl down and went to the bedroom.

The door knob was cold to the touch. It sent shivers down your spine as you faintly could remember when Hyunjin used to complain about how hard you had to turn the knob to be able to open the door.

“Chan?” You call, looking around the dark room before seeing a darkened figure leaning against the closet door. You could hear his light sniffles from the door, but you knew not to question him about it in fear of him snapping.

“Sorry, I was trying to sort out your clothes so you didn’t have to come in here that often if one of us weren’t here with you.” He pulls a smile onto his saddened face and wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt. 

You shake your head and mumble a thank you but you still go to sit next to him, noticing that the hoodie he was holding wasn’t even yours but Hyunjin’s.

“He loved that hoodie,” You begin, reflecting on the amount of times you remembered him wearing it, “He said he loved it the most out of every one because you bought it for him on his birthday with your first paycheck... He really looked up to you Chan.”

Chan looks over at you, placing the hoodie into his lap and beginning to tear up. His soft smile spread onto his face but the pain that reflected in his eyes were telling such a different story.

“You can’t keep taking care of us Chan,” You mumbled, softly as you could feel your voice giving out on you, “You can’t keep helping us, or just me. You can’t keep pretending that you’re okay and hiding away like this with all the pain. You need to heal, too Chan.”

That’s when you first saw Chan crying as hard as he did. For the years you had been friends with him and the boys, you never knew Chan could cry like this. He was too focused on how the rest of the boys were at Hyunjin’s funeral to cry. He had been too focused on your wellbeing to even put his into a priority.

“It’s been so hard.” He cried, “I just miss him so much and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Just like he did for you, you wrapped your arms around Chan pulling him close and giving the comfort that he deserved. You listened to him cry and pour his pain out to you. A pain that he had been holding in because he was too worried for everyone else. A pain that he should’ve had someone there to help him with.

“I was supposed to be his older brother. I was supposed to be there to protect him.” He sobbed, his hands trembling as he kept crying.

“We all can’t be guardian angels Chan. You have to stop blaming yourself, just like you told me to do. You were his older brother and you protected him from everything that you could. You have to remember that.” You whisper, still holding Chan in your arms.

“You have to remember that he wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves.”

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

It’s been roughly three months since Hyunjin’s passing. Three months since you lost a part of your heart and your world, but you were making progress to living a life without the love of your life. 

You were able to sleep in your bedroom again. At first it started with needing the boys to still be in the apartment in case of vivid nightmares that ended with you sobbing until you crashed due to sheer exhaustion, but now you were at the point of being alone in the apartment. Kkami was still with Seungmin, but it was better that way you suppose.

You still left Hyunjin’s side of the bed untouched. You still had dreams of where you would wake up and he was laying right beside you, smiling brightly as if nothing happened. But you were recovering. Slowly but surely.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

Six months in and you finally had enough courage in you to pack away Hyunjin’s things. Chan offered to help you, but you had assured him that it was a stepping stone for you. You needed this final piece of closure from your hurt.

You opened the closet full of Hyunjin’s old clothes. A soft smile spread on your face as you could remember a memory that you shared with Hyunjin with each piece of clothing.

You managed to go through most of his clothes, pulling them down and folding them to put away in the designated donation box, without crying before you had came across one of his blazers.

It was simple and black so it looked like the others, but the small heart pin stood out to you.

You remembered pinning it on his blazer on one of your date nights in the earlier stages of your relationship. His soft, but teasing smile as he joked about you pinning his heart. As much as you wanted to cry, you knew not to.

It was a happy memory, there was no reason for you to sob over it. At least, that was until you heard a crinkle of paper when you went to straight the sleeve pocket.

‘Y/N,

It’s only been weeks since we’ve started dating, but over the years of crushing on you... I think I can truly say I’ve fallen deeply in love with you. I’m too scared to say it to your face right now, so here I am sat outside your house after I dropped you off.. writing this love letter on an old receipt I found in my pocket. I can’t hide my love for you anymore. I wish I could just scream it out to the world at this point. You are my only love, the only light that I would ever need in this dark world.

I close my eyes and I see your smiling face. Please always stay by my side. My love, Y/N.. I love you.

-Jinnie’

“You’re so stupid,” You cried, holding the letter close to your heart, “I’d never leave your side Jinnie.”

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

The wind blew through your hair as you sat by the river. A bouquet of roses in your hand with tears already pooling in your eyes.

There wasn’t much running through your mind as you sat staring at the water ripples or the stars that were dimly light due to the clouds. All there was unsurprisingly was just Hyunjin. Although it was expected as it was officially a year since his passing.

You held the bouquet close to your heart as you silently cried at the thought of living in a world without him. Even if it wasn’t a thought anymore, it was a reality that you had dreaded.

You missed him, but you couldn’t fall into your darkness again. You worked so hard to move on just like Hyunjin would’ve wanted.

You were finally living life again without a cloud of dread above your head. And even if you still got sad and cried, you bet Hyunjin was proud of you for still going on with life just as if he had never left. 

This is how you lived without Hyunjin with a heavy heart because there would be no one else like him, but you still kept going as hard as it was.

And as Hyunjin sat on his designated star, dressed in all white, he smiled brightly as he watched down on you. His heart still yearning for you who he could not have, but he was still happy.

“I knew you could do it, my love.”

[therappundit]

***The Best Rap Songs of 2019 - A Pundit PlayLi$t***

THE YEAR IS 2019.

The rap music genre has splintered multiple times into sub-sub genres, and the line between what is considered “real” hip-hop and what is considered 🗑️ begins to grow sharper and sharper. Hate grows on both sides, as heads - both old and new - collide over which rap songs should be considered worthy of praise, and which ones may be merely capitalizing on the social media trends of the day...

Enter THE Rap Pundit, a purist that is open to all lanes of rap music - provided those lanes are well represented with quality. That Pundit is me.

This year was harder than most because it was a mix of so many different impressive styles...with the exception of mainstream rap music. No Drake, no Kendrick, no Hov or Nas on the list this year, but what you will find are a ton of talented young artists inspired by them, and many other first ballot rap hall of famers. So while the mainstream waned, the underground absolutely feasted in 2019.

Here is the criteria I tried to use for this year’s rankings:

the song had to be in my regular rotation by 12/20/2019 (otherwise, I simply could not have had the time to truly experience it)

I aimed my rankings with the following prioritization in mind: 75% of my decision based on personal favoritism, 20% based on overall quality within the sub-genre regardless of whether or not I listen to it regularly  (is it a vapid strip club joint? Then be the best strip club joint you can be!), and 5% based on overall impact (YES, how often a song comes up in conversation with my fellow peers does make a difference - welcome to the culture)

believe it or not, there was an honest attempt at making the most diverse list possible (because in reality if this list was just personal favorites, then the whole list would consist of Griselda, Roc, Mach, Mutant Academy & other underground all-stars from all over the east coast...but seriously, the underground straight massacred the mainstream biz this year)

Again, I have 200+ additional songs I love that I could easily have added on top of this one, but I think this list is plenty long enough as it is, am I right?

Enjoy...because I know I certainly have enjoyed listening to this unparalleled lengthy scroll of dope rap songs that dropped in 2019. 🙏

1. “Palmolive” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Pusha T & Killer Mike

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSn_r2w-idg

(A terrific verse from Freddie, a great hook from Killer Mike, and a verse of the year calibre contribution from Pusha T, all over a soulful Madlib back-drop?? Yikes. Freddie Gibbs & Madlib made all rap fans very proud in 2019.)

2. “Ricky” - Denzel Curry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WHm6tfvKlk

(As soon as you press play, you can feel the humidity coming off of this song as if we were in the crowd with Curry down in Florida. Denzel delivered a wonderful homage to his father, and to the Carol City of which he hails.)

3. “Crown For Kings” - Benny feat. Black Thought

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtTu_TC3f6A

(Black Thought and Griselda?? Bars on top of bars on top of bars…two verse of the year contenders, easily.)

4. “Glorious” - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

https://soundcloud.com/skyzoomusic/glorious?in=skyzoomusic/sets/retropolitan-1

(Want to hear an impressive way to kick off a great album? Look no further than Sky’s scathingly hot verse on “Glorious”, a track that lives up to its’ name.)

5. “I.G.W.T.” - Roc Marciano

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bz5W9LztqZs

(The instrumental alone makes for a quintessential Roc Marci soundtrack, an early standout off of Marcielago. That first beat is magical.)

6. “Crime Pays” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/crime-pays?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(So quintessential to Bandana’s vibe this thing feels like it has a pulse. I was listening to this on my walk home the other day and it put me in such a breezy headspace...I can’t even describe it any other way than simply saying it’s another classic Madlib production.)

7. “5 to 50” - Benny feat. India

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQGRPxrHtjI

(Captivating. Benny and The Alchemist join forces to concoct a song so real it makes 90% of drug dealer talk in rap music sound phony.)

8. “Thank God” - Tree

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/thank-god?in=mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

(Tree’s We Grown Now is such a great album. This song perfectly captures the gifts of the legendary Chicago MC, who I consider one of the genre’s unsung special talents. It’s worth a New Year’s Resolution to get familiar with Tree’s catalogue.)

9. “Funeral March (The Dirge)” - Your Old Droog feat. Mach-Hommy

https://soundcloud.com/your-old-droog/funeral-march-the-dirge-feat?in=your-old-droog/sets/it-wasnt-even-close-1

(One of the hardest sounding songs in recent memory. I can hear these two do this all day, a great example of the tremendous work both artists put into 2019.)

10. “Freestyle Shit” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/freestyle-s-t?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(Pffffew, that Gibbs delivery….right from the get-go with the album’s first song, it’s so clear that Bandana is a special project.)

11. “Ephesians” - Roc Marciano feat. Ka

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pWWHYd_SBI

(METAL CLERGY RAP.....if I need to say anymore about this joint, than you and I simply don’t roll in the same rap circles.)

12. “It’s All Good” - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

https://soundcloud.com/skyzoomusic/its-all-good?in=skyzoomusic/sets/retropolitan-1

(The gorgeous first single off Retropolitan feels like liquid nostalgia and summers in NYC, without sounding the least bit dated.)

13. “Situations” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/situations?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(One of Bandana’s more minimalistic instrumentals, and it takes off thanks to the jet pack provided by Gibbs and his sensational performance on this one.)

14. “There U R” - Tree

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/there-u-r?in=mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

(Give this man his flowers now. There are a lot of talented artists in rap music, but none tackle a song like an old Blues man…none except Tree, that is.)

15. “Pete’s Sake” - Conway & Benny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njNKcQx7NSA

(Quite simply one of the most raw beats I have heard in some time. And my favorite Conway verse of 2019.)

16. “Massage Seats” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/massage-seats?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(Smooth as Helllll. “This ain’t for soccer mamas this is for the underground” is right.)

17. “Flights” - Tree

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/flights?in=mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

(Tree kills it with the autobiographical joints, and this soulful walk down memory lane is as enthralling as an audio diary.)

18. “Dr. Bird’s” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny (Griselda)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sc3WbLz2IY

(It’s no secret that Griselda Records had a sensational 2019, and no posse cut personifies that better than “Bird’s”.)

19. “Cokewhite” - Goldlink feat. Pusha T

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zCGiHhTxMM

(Another spotlight stealing verse from Pusha Ton, who in limited work, managed to appear everywhere this year in music.)

20. “Funeral” - Tree & Parallel Thought

https://parallelthought1.bandcamp.com/track/funeral

(I hope with all of my heart that songs like this aren’t part of Tree’s process of letting go of the music biz, but even if it is, what a beautiful way to go out.)

21. “Bandana” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Assassin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWCciqqzno4

(While it may not have made the final cut of the Bandana album that shares its’ name, this reggae-tinged, Madlib blessed riot starter has been one of my favorite songs of the year since it dropped and it keeps feeling better to me.)

22. “Homegrown” - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

https://soundcloud.com/skyzoomusic/homegrown?in=skyzoomusic/sets/retropolitan-1

(Another incredibly soulful standout from Retropolitan. When Skyzoo & Pete Rock are performing at the top of their game, both are as potent as it gets within their respective lanes.)

23. “El Toro Combo Meal” - Earl Sweatshirt feat. Mavi

https://soundcloud.com/earlxsweatshirtmusic/el-toro-combo-meal-feat-mavi-prod-by-ovrkast?in=earlxsweatshirtmusic/sets/feet-of-clay

(Two MCs vying for the lo-fi crown are Earl Sweatshirt and Mavi. It is beginning to get confusing to figure out who is the student and who is the teacher here, but regardless, both talented artists flashed a ton of skill in 2019.)

24. “To Whom It May Concern” - Jim Jones feat. Cam'ron, Guordan Banks, Benny The Butcher and Conway

https://soundcloud.com/jim-jones-capo/to-whom-it-may-concern-feat-camron-guordon-banks-benny-the-butcher-conway-the-machine?in=jim-jones-capo/sets/el-capo

(A Dipset and Griselda collaboration is enough to make someone like me get emotional…anyone have a tissue, this Benny-Cam’ron-Conway back to back series is too much to handle!?)

25. “Under The Sun” - J. Cole, Lute & DaBaby (and Kendrick Lamar?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUUuI--jAlM

(The best song off of Dreamville’s Revenge of the Dreamers 3 is the first track. It’s just a straightforward soul loop, but Cole and Lute really shine...but then DaBaby comes through to shine hard enough to blind the first two verses.)

26. “Sunday School” - Benny feat. 38 Spesh & Jadakiss

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ero1Xexyhs

(Spesh really killed this great cut off of Benny’s The Plugs I Met, but all three really did their thing.)

27. “Dominate” - DJ Muggs & Eto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxjTKqpMHIE

(Straight menace music. Muggs & Eto would have made Mobb Deep proud with “Dominate”…especially Muggs, this beat is brutal!)

28. “Lucha Bros.” - Westside Gunn feat. Curren$y & Benny

https://soundcloud.com/westsidegunn/lucha-bros-feat-curreny-benny?in=westsidegunn/sets/hitler-wears-hermes-7

(Another crazy banger from Griselda, off of Westside’s fantastic Hitler Wears Hermes 7. Don’t let the smooth vibe force you to overlook the bar-fest on this one.)

29. “Obamacare” - Quelle Chris

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-F19d5PcJY

(Another year, another thought provoking Quelle Chris project. He seems to be getting better with age, is that possible?)

30. “Big Uzi Vert” - Fly Anakin & Big Kahuna OG

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CxWj6g0DnU

(As with 2018, some of the best rap songs of the year are collaborations from the mighty Mutant Academy. Virginia’s Fly Anakin and Big Kahuna OG both clocked in ready to work in 2019, and they have stacks of great joints to prove it. Anakin’s “I’m from the projects, I don’t skateboard” helped this one push to the front of the Mutant pack.)

31. “Daylight Savings” - Mavi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZTI9YkK_1w

(Mavi really captured the attention of fans and critics alike with Let The Sun Talk. His flow on “Daylight” proves that Mavi is so much more than the copycats you may stumble across on Soundcloud these days.)

32. “Chasing Ghosts” - Your Old Droog feat. Roc Marciano

https://soundcloud.com/your-old-droog/chasing-ghosts-feat-roc?in=your-old-droog/sets/it-wasnt-even-close-1

(What a great example of why these two are so good at what they do. Eerie underground hip-hop at its’ finest - and Roc’s best guest verse of the year.)

33. “Cubicle” - Buddy feat. 03 Greedo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZ9Yw7i_Fo8

(What a slept-on smash from Buddy and 03 Greedo. Both artists do the West Coast proud with one of my favorite cuts off of the deluxe edition of Harlan & Alondra.)

34. “Education” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Yasiin Bey & Black Thought

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/education-feat-yasiin-bey?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(As if that line-up isn’t enough to make any hip-hop head salivate, it’s even more impressive that the final product manages to meet expectations.)

35. “Wild Minks” - Quelle Chris feat. Mach-Hommy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dQmPX1C0Vk

(Quelle and Mach make beautiful music together, and they don’t come much more beautiful than this one.)

36. “IMG” - Nolan The Ninja

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vNvRLIQHVs

(Nolan has blessed us with a number of great songs in 2019, but I think this one epitomizes just how much he has progressed as a rap artist.)

37. “Splinters” - Fly Anakin & Tuamie feat. ANKHLEJOHN & Al.Divino

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWORdUQAEcc

(Just a chilling collaboration from some of the best artists that underground hip-hop has to offer, that’s all.)

38. “Spider Hole” - Billy Woods & Kenny Segal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1WBEi5LlkI

(Beautifully bleak music from Billy Woods and Kenny Segal, who demonstrate brilliant chemistry throughout Hiding Places.)

39. “Deadass” - Kemba

https://soundcloud.com/kembaland/deadass-2

(Unfortunately, in any other era this could have been a hit rap song. But fortunately, in this era it can be praised as one of the best underground smashes of the year from a very good album. Keep an eye on Kemba...)

40. “Dynasties” - Tedy Andreas

https://soundcloud.com/tedyandreas/dynasties-prod-graphwize

(Dope beat, dope MC and a killer hook. I can’t be the only longterm fan that Tedy earned with this one.)

41. “OD” - Earl Sweatshirt

https://soundcloud.com/earlxsweatshirtmusic/od-1

(Say what you want about the length of Earl’s songs, but he can accomplish more with a minute and a half on a record than most rappers can with an hour.)

42. “Still” - Maxo Kream

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3Tza0cGrQk

(Maxo may have just dropped the best project of his career, and this woozy thumper is one of his hardest tracks yet.)

43. “18 Wheeler” - Benny feat. Pusha T

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdZC8uBwJ4Q&list=PLVipAi3U-JouPCQvz3KoH2B1VAKAZc7m4&index=6

(At this point, what else needs to be said about the potency of these two rap-writers? Calling it “coke rap” wouldn’t even begin to explain how good these two are when it comes to the art of rapping.)

44. “ZUU” - Denzel Curry

https://soundcloud.com/denzelcurryph/zuu?in=denzelcurryph/sets/zuu-3

(A rousing intro to what I would consider the best “mainstream” rap album of 2019.)

45. “Flat Tummy Tea” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/flat-tummy-tea

(I liked it when it first dropped, love it even more now. Freddie straight MURDERS this one...)

46. “Broke Bitch Dreams” - ShooterGang Kony

https://soundcloud.com/shootergangkony/broke-bitch-dreams

(I knew nothing about ShooterGang Kony at the start of 2019, and I don’t know much more now. But I know that this song has smash written all over it, one of the best ‘cruising with the top down’ joints that I have heard in recent memory. The hook is an ear worm to the point of concern.)

47. “Tito’s Back” - Conway  feat. Benny & Westside Gunn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGqViFucmJ8

(Griselda’s top two lyrical assassins doing what they do best, but going back and forth in a manner that not even Styles & Jada could touch.)

48. “Attics” - DJ Muggs & Eto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UmYxcv4YTs

(Sure Muggs & Eto dropped a banger of an album with Hell’s Roof, but “Attics” has the strength to be a career defining track for Eto. This is dark poetry from one of the hungriest parts of upstate NY.)

49. “Under The Train (Transporting)” - Your Old Droog

https://soundcloud.com/your-old-droog/under-the-train-transporting-1

(Droog’s Transportation album may be the perfect traveling companion for moving through the streets of NYC, and this song may be the projects’ crown jewel. This has the feel of a classic New York anthem and I am crazy for it.)

50. “Know The Type” - Lansky Jones feat. CJ Fly & Mr. Muthafuckin’ Exquire

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riRJk2QiROI

(What happens when a collection of some of NYC’s most talented, but least heralded MC’s join forces to deliver what sounds like a classic mid-90′s throwback joint? They create one of the smoothest rap songs of 2019.)

51. “NINA” - Rapsody

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54yOD994ors

(Eve raised Rapsody’s discography to a whole other level. A brilliant, pro-woman battle cry that somehow manages to ether the industry while still radiating positivity, Rap pulled together a beautiful collection of songs with this album - and verse of the year contenders, beginning right here with her opening track, the impressive “NINA”.)

52. “Spongebob” - billy woods + kenny segal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83F4JpVu61k

(Segal’s production is perfect background for woods to go to work. If Hiding Places isn’t in your collection, that must change immediately.)

53. “Cash War” - Gunna

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObdMBhfySMI

(Gunna has had a fantastic year, and this song shows why he is a natural hitmaker. Drip or Drown 2 is one of mainstream rap’s finest records of 2019.)

54. “May Store” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny feat. Keisha Plum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6kMBwNCAyw

(More dazzling lyrical chemistry from Griselda. Damn Benny, why do you have to murk beats like this? Not even fair to other MC’s at this point.)

55. “HolOnHolOn” - Fly Anakin & Tuamie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCbgGn2BXUc&list=PLAfLqY9BQJkyjUuDAEn7cehQ3DZWAZogX&index=4

(Another fantastic track from Mutant Academy. Is it me or does Tuamie channel some Jay Dee-esque vibes with this one?)

56. “Bad Boys” - Pivot Gang (Joseph Chilliams, Saba, MFnMelo) feat. Smino

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCaBVqi4Rag

(This one didn’t blow up - at least not yet - but I have no idea why!? This track, like so much of Pivot Gang’s You Can’t Sit With Us album, is such a fantastic showcase for Chi-town’s deep hip-hop scene.)

57. “Pop Out” - Polo G feat. Lil TJay

https://soundcloud.com/polo-g/polo-g-feat-lil-tjay-pop-out

(HUGE hit, and rightfully so. So much more than a typical baller anthem, the hook - and more specifically, the performance of Polo G - makes “Pop Out” easily one of the best rap songs on mainstream radio in 2019.)

58. “Field Negro” - Royce Da 5′9″

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zK7N63lsoRE

(An unorthodox production anchored by one of the best writers in the history of the genre, that’s all. Royce murders this thing with so many quotables…yet you’re still somehow sleeping on Royce???)

59. “Nobody’s Favorite” - Rick Ross feat. Gunplay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMzfaCskeGo

(At the top of 2019, would I have predicted that Ross and Gunplay would have dropped one of the best rap songs of the year? No. Is “Nobody’s Favorite” a seriously dope rap song? Without question.)

60. “WYRM” - Quelle Chris

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DNS1pXDec0

(Another gorgeous track from a man that low-key has one of the strongest discographies in rap music, Detroit’s Quelle Chris.)

61. “Memorial” - MIKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0czotN8EXQ

(If the lo-fi movement in rap music was a sports team, MIKE deserves to be the team captain. Tears of Joy is an intensely personal album, but amongst the tears there is much to feel joyful about after listening to MIKE’s latest collection of gems.)

62. “4 Clove Club” - Wiki

https://pitchfork.com/levels/wiki-4-clove-club-new-song-listen/

(Few MC’s as unique as Wiki manage to actually create music that is enjoyable to listen to while they are attempting to color outside of conventional lines. Somehow, Wiki seems to get better at this rare skill with every project. An autobiographical album that feels like a disjointed, but musically cohesive diary, what Wiki manages to accomplish with Oofie is wildly impressive.)

63. “PTSD” - Omen, Mereba, Deante' Hitchcock & St. Beauty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWbjiP50Nbg

(One of the most beautiful songs off of ROTD3, but it’s Omen’s verse that tugged most on my heart strings, and snagged a spot on this year’s Best Of list.)

64. “Giannis” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Anderson .Paak

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/giannis-feat-anderson-paak?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(One of the funkier standouts from Bandana, and album full of standouts. Paak and Gibbs tap dance all over this one.)

65. “Baby” - Lil Baby & DaBaby [Quality Control]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GbwYFqN1iE

(A collaboration that at one point, most would have joked about off of name alone, the joke is now on the doubters because both of these Babies can really RAP.)

66. “The Old Groove” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny feat. Novel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo-E6Nl-aoE

(Somber - even by Griselda standards - this collaboration off WWCD feels like a victory lap from the best group of gritty MCs since Mobb Deep, Boot Camp, and the Wu Tang Clan.)

67. “The Norm” - Von Pea

https://soundcloud.com/vonpea/08-thenorm

(Von Pea’s City For Sale deserves to be mentioned as another great release in the growing sub-genre that is “rappers warning the rest of the world of the dangers of gentrification”, this record right here captures the message so well and he knocks the production way out the park.)

68. “The Routine” - Wiki

https://soundcloud.com/wikset/10-the-routine

(A bouncy standout from Oofie that has really climbed my own rankings in recent weeks. I love what Wiki was going for with the production aesthetic on this one.)

69. “Playground Bench” - Raz Fresco feat. AZ & BriskInTheHouse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-4wzn2KRVQ

(Bonus points to anyone that caught this joint! A way under the radar AZ feature that warrants more shine. But don’t sleep, Raz Fresco dropped *multiple* dope projects in 2019.)

70. “Smallsteps” - Medhane

https://medhane.bandcamp.com/track/smallsteps

(Another rising star from the depths of the lo-fi underground, Medhane’s Own Pace project is an easy but by no means basic listen from start to finish on the strength of his solid production choices and candor.)

71. “No Love” - Maxo feat. lojii

https://soundcloud.com/rundatbacc/no-love-feat-lojji?in=rundatbacc/sets/lil-big-man-1

(Maxo’s Lil Big Man has made 2019′s ‘Best of’ lists on more than a few sites, and thanks to smooth joints like “No Live” it’s certainly not hard to understand why.)

72. “CLONES” - Tierra Whack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-8qrzg-vgQ

(Walking the fine line between truth and song parody, Tierra may have been imitating her peers with this one, but nevertheless the final result is catchy as hell.)

73. “2/5” - Jay Bel

https://soundcloud.com/groovyxjay/6-2-5-flip-gawd-dre?in=groovyxjay/sets/4wurd-an-anti-gentrification-project

(A lot of folks might not be familiar with Brooklyn’s Jay Bel yet, but that’s going to have to change soon because this kid is too talented to stay under the radar too much longer. 4wurd made for a fantastic introduction.)

74. “Meet Again” - Maxo Kream

https://soundcloud.com/maxo-kream/meet-again

(Another dope Maxo Kream song, another great example of this superb story telling skills.)

75. “Everything” - Little Brother

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krnOMqDjB0k

(A dope Little Brother album in 2019 was not something that anyone had on their itinerary heading into the year. Pooh and Phonte haven’t lost a step, and there are plenty of cuts on May The Lord Watch that feel like classic LB.)

76. “Proceed On” - Fly Anakin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FO2mRZTX8XM

(A slick loosie from one of Mutant Academy’s finest.)

77. “Suge” - DaBaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPpmGHn6gB8

(What DaBaby lacks in depth of content, he makes up for with his recognizable flow and sheer charisma.)

78. “Monica” - Flatbush Zombies feat. Tech N9ne

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0db9NJhVEA

(One of the more recent additions to this list, it has slowly creeped up the charts on my end - and reminded me of how contagious a Flatbush Zombies joint can be.)

79. “NYC” - Jim Jones feat. Fat Joe

https://soundcloud.com/jim-jones-capo/nyc-feat-fat-joe?in=jim-jones-capo/sets/el-capo

(Just one of a cornucopia of classic-sounding Heatmakerz firecrackers off of Jim Jones’ surprisingly potent El Capo.)

80. “Murray’s” - Fly Anakin & Tuamie feat. Skyzoo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYyGTepAhM0&list=PLAfLqY9BQJkyjUuDAEn7cehQ3DZWAZogX&index=8

(Good things happen whenever Skyzoo connects with rising underground stars. Ask Griselda, and now you can ask Mutant Academy, too. This joint might sound basic to the uneducated listener, but for me, Tuamie provided Anakin and Sky with an ideal minimalist back drop to wax poetic over.)

81. “$ream - Rigz (Da Cloth)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piGwjW27ZRQ

(Not just one of Rochester’s finest, Rigz is quite simply one of hip-hop’s finest MC’s. Major props to Da Cloth’s Rigz and Mooch for dropping some tremendous work in 2019.)

82. “Voodoo” - Rome Streetz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g4tfLwlODo

(I don’t know if I have enjoyed any full Rome Streetz project as much as last year’s Street Farmacy, but he has incredible rap music scattered all across 2019. I’m currently enjoying his latest work, Joyeria, but his collaboration with Sadhugold remains my favorite Rome joint of the year...but he absolutely owned anything he spit on. A future NYC MVP right here.)

83. “Scotties” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn3S89vi_L0

(An off-kilt head nodder off WWCD showcases the unparalleled chemistry of real life brothers Gunn and Conway, and finishes strong with an impeccable verse from cousin Benny.)

84. “Tom Chambers” - Roc Marciano feat. Knowledge The Pirate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MB6No8zPsU0

(Roc and Knowledge pass the mic back and forth and completely bar-out on this Marcielago banger...one of several slick tracks off the album that switch-up the beat halfway through the song.)

85. “Big Tipper” - Young Thug feat. Lil Keed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYO28vD5N2A

(Thugga’s So Much Fun was the first Young Thug project that I truly enjoyed. I think it all came together for Thugga on this album, and it’s chockfull of singles. Most folks would tout “Hot” as the early standout, but “Big Tipper” was the one that stood out to me as having the greatest smash potential.)

86. “100,000” - NYM Lo feat. Smoke DZA & 183rd

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tukJUizDj_g

(I would describe this sound as “underground bop”. NYM Lo and DZA show some great track chemistry here, the hook is a dope homage, and 183rd brought his sharpest production tools to the table with this one.)

87. “Lupos” - CRIMEAPPLE

https://crimeapple.bandcamp.com/track/lupos

(Not many MC’s can claim they had a stronger year than New Jersey’s CRIMEAPPLE. Multiple dope projects, some fantastic feature work, and a stack of quotables to his credit, “Lupos” is my top pick from his recent catalogue off the strength of bars like “I hear biting was the best form of flattery, now I’m glad to see some teeth marks in my strategy.”)

88. “Oaks” - BULLIES (Denmark Vessey, DrxQuinnx and Azarias)

https://fxckrxp.bandcamp.com/track/oaks

(A criminally underrated project that stands amongst this year’s finest, Denmark, Quinn & Azarias have fantastic musical chemistry that can be found all across the Bullies album. In another time and another place, Bullies would fit in well alongside Def Jux’s starting line-up.)

89. “Intro” - DaBaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpR0gTQG8FI

(What a year for DaBaby. Entering the year with mainstream potential, and leaving 2019 as a flat-out star, all he really needed to do to extend his career trajectory at this point was prove that he also had substance as an artist. Well, say hello to the Intro to his KIRK album and consider all questions answered.)

90. “Protons Electrons Always Cause Explosions” - Al.Divino & Estee Nack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkpPdfNfneg

(One of the more interesting contributions by two of underground hip-hop’s most prolific and exciting MCs’. The duo of Divino and Nack don’t need to back down from any other duo because they are gifted at what they do: hitting fans over the heads with their consistently dope brand of raw rap.)

91. “Skimmin’” - Apollo Brown feat. Nolan The Ninja & Dopehead

https://apollobrown360.bandcamp.com/track/skimmin-feat-nolan-the-ninja-dopehead

(With Sincerely, Detroit, Apollo Brown pulled together one of the strongest compilations of his career. I could have saluted a handful of joints off of this album, but “Skimmin” was my personal favorite, thanks to a great subdued performance by Nolan The Ninja.)

BONUS TRACK: “Mister” - Young Nudy & Pi’erre Bourne feat. 21 Savage

https://soundcloud.com/youngnudy/mister-feat-21-savage?in=youngnudy/sets/slimerre-2

(Just a fun, bouncy collaboration from two of the game’s most unpredictable trap flows. Nudy is Pi’erre’s greatest collaborator - if you were thinking Playboi Carti, there’s no way you read down this far - and there is really something to be said for any rap artist that makes it hard for the listener to guess what they’ll say next. What Savage & Nudy may lack in clever wordplay they make up for in flow, charisma, and catchy hooks.)

***HIGH HONORS [songs that definitely belong in the top 91...so while they might not be the first item packed, consider these joints worthy of smuggling on board the plane for any trip]***:

https://therappundit.tumblr.com/post/189803686616/honorable-mention-the-best-rap-songs-of-2019

[darkwritingsnshit]

It’s Been a While

Chapter 1

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Honestly no idea. 

Warnings I think? Angst I think, death mention, people being assholes, or dark characters. General bad writing. 

           The day you divorced Hvitserk Lothbrok was the best day of your life. You had gone as far as to get the divorce certificate framed, hung on the wall where you could see both of your signatures in the bright light of the living room. It had stayed there for a year before you removed it, filing it away carefully with your other court documents; you didn’t want to lose a single item.

           Growing up you had bounced between your mother’s estate in Norway, and your father’s large residence in America. Both government workers, your mother worked for the Norwegian Embassy, your father the US Embassy. You and your brothers grew up well off, dual citizenship, a private education, expensive clothes and cars, a sprawling estate to run around on. Whenever possible, you stayed in Norway with your mother, the biting cold, beautiful oceans and reaching forests were a landscape you preferred to hot pavement, busy freeways and people rushing around, speaking too loudly, moving too fast.

           Your mother was well connected, your family were close to people of influence in the government. Closest yet were the Lothbroks, who had perhaps the largest pull in the government, Ragnar was known for the mass amounts of land he owned, while assisting with international relations. Some say he had a silver tongue, others say it was his bones of steel and cold voice always laced with implications that caused people to agree to his terms. You didn’t believe these stories as a child, uncle Ragnar was a personal favorite of yours, always a smile and a twinkle in his eye, candy in his pocket that he gave only to you, not your brothers. Either way, he and his family were celebrated, and worked closely with your parents, making the Lothbrok estate as familiar as your own home, summers and family vacations were taken with Ragnar, his wife and children, the four brothers as big a nuisance as your own.

           Being the only girl with six boys (your two brothers and the Lothbrok boys), meant you were frequently the butt end of their jokes and pranks. Sometimes it was a game to see who could get under your skin the fastest, it was always a tie between your brother Arne and Ivar, who knew exactly which strings to tug at to send you into a rage. Ivar was easy to catch, but if his mother was in shouting range, you would always get in trouble for beating up a cripple, while Ivar smirked, and Aslaug shouted.

           Regardless, your time was spent throwing snowballs and climbing trees, Ube had taught you to fight and you learned quickly that your right hook was strong enough to break Sigurd’s nose. Some days you avoided them at all costs, and it was Hvitserk who found you in your solitude, would sit with you in silence and play with you in the mud. He was the one who would stop his brothers from taunting you when they pushed you too far, who helped you with skinned knees and picked you up when you had been knocked down by a brother, or fallen out of a tree.

           Hvisterk had kissed you when you were seven on a dare, his brothers making fun of your ‘cooties’, running away and refusing to play with you because ‘girls are gross’. You wanted to play, but they were set on making you feel bad, daring each other to get close enough to push you down, yelling about cooties when one of them would lay a hand against you. When Hvitserk objected to their taunting, they dared him to kiss you. If he was sooooo in love with you, why didn’t he just kiss you and get it over with? To prove a point, he did. He pecked you on the cheek and ran away holding your hand; you two played high in the trees for the rest of the day until his brothers got bored with no one to torment, and decided your game was more fun.

           When you didn’t get a date to a formal Embassy event, due in part to your brothers threatening anyone who showed an interest in you, Hvitserk showed up on your mother’s doorstep with flowers, and asked to take you himself. When he brought you back home, he kissed you under the stars, and whispered his goodnight before leaving.

              The day of the plane crash had been the worst day of your life, it shattered your entire world and left you in pieces. Staying in Norway for a few weeks to finish school, you were between your mother’s estate and the Lothbroks. Aslaug had become a second mother, always making sure you were happy, fed, doing well in school, keeping track of your whereabouts. Should you want to stay while your parents went to the US on business, you would stay with her and her family, they were as close, or closer than your own brothers.

At fourteen, you and Hvitserk had started seeing each other, a harmless teenage relationship, Aslaug thought it was sweet, her boy and her adopted daughter had always gotten along best, it was cute to see them smitten with each other, even at a young age. The two of you would steal quick kisses, a half-drunk bottle of wine or swipe a cigarette and sneak away to the garden or the woods, playing at being grown up.

You were fifteen, you had two weeks of school before you would join the rest of your family for a couple months in America. Your mother father and brother had departed in the morning for their US residence, where Arne was staying. He had always preferred America, and stayed the schoolyear in sunny California, claiming he hated the dark Norwegian winters, though you thought it was because he didn’t want to work so closely with the government, a career path he showed no interest in.

There was no call, you saw it on the morning news as you were getting ready to leave for school. Walking through the living room to say goodbye to Aslaug and Ragnar, she held out her hand for you, stalk still, watching the scene unfold across the screen. There was smoke and flames that were bright and dark at the same time, a plane spiraling out of control.

“Norwegian aircraft, Boeing MAX 737, suffered major electrical failure, before a fire started in not one, but two of the engines. Unable to stop the flames mid-flight, the aircraft crashed into the ocean, with no flotation devices inflated. In a matter of minutes, the plane containing 230 passengers, including government officials, went down in the Atlantic. More updates to follow, as the wreckage site gets investigated.” The footage cut to the weather without another word, you were rooted to the spot.

Aslaug drew you into her arms, Ragnar had pulled out his phone and was making calls.

“What happened, what does this mean?” Had there been any survivors, was your family alive? What did this mean for you, for your brother Arne? Were you an orphan now, did you have any family left? Aslaug looked at you closely.

“I promise, we will figure this out, I promise you that my daughter,” she didn’t let you out of sight for the rest of the day.

There were two funerals, one in Norway, one in the US. The funerals were the easiest part, as you would come to find out. Both your mother and father had been quite well off, they had large estates, property and offshore bank accounts, charities and trusts, retirement plans and private holdings, all left behind in a complicated will full of contingencies and confusing clauses. You were fifteen, your brother a few years older, finishing out high school in America, neither of you experts in legalities or even government documents, let alone the matters of how to take care of citizenships and oversea holdings. That’s when things began to go south.

You were young and dumb, your brother liked to remind you, young and dumb enough for someone to take advantage of you, which is exactly what Aslaug did. You always had a bitter reply, he had been no help to you, retreating back to America and leaving you to deal with the greater legalities that arose from your parents’ wills. Ragnar and Aslaug didn’t let you alone for a single moment. The days after their death, Aslaug had moved you from your mother’s estate into theirs, always telling you that she would take care of you, she would take care of everything if you let her. Everything was overbearing, there was too much to do, too much that you didn’t understand, on top of your education to finish.

The month after their death dragged on so much you were sure it had been more than thirty days. While the Lothbrok boys backed off on their jabs and taunting, it was with Hvitserk you were able to find comfort, he held you while you cried, listened to you as you ranted, always urging you to get help from his mother. It was difficult for her to help, Aslaug said, as the two of you were not legally related. As she explained, she was not your mother, she had no right to sign the documents and could only guide you through the stacks of paperwork to file and fill.

You almost didn’t finish school; you spent all your time either alone or pouring over paperwork that was a constant reminder of the death of your family. Nearly a year had dragged on since then, your brother was rarely in contact, he assured you he was managing what was left to him, and your father’s estate, that there was no reason for him to come back to Norway, there was little reason for him to talk to you at all.  Sitting in her office, you finally broke down into tears and wept to Aslaug.

“You sign the papers, please, please just finish this for me Aslaug. I’m so tired of this, I don’t understand it and it’s overwhelming.” Your head went down on the desk, tears of stress, frustration and sadness overtook you. Aslaug patted your hand in comfort.

“Sweet girl, you know I can’t. Not legally, not unless… no, I can’t.” Your head perked from her desk.

“Unless what?” You would sign over whatever rights you had to if this burden would be lifted from your shoulders.

Aslaug looked deep in thought, weighing words in her head, you could see the gears turning.

“You love Hvitserk, I know you do.” She said. You were confused by her statement, but it was true. “You two have always had such a beautiful relationship, since you were children and he protected you from danger, I believe you’ve always loved him, am I right?” You nodded your head, unsure where she was going with this.

“You are young, yes, but your sixteenth birthday is very soon,” she continued. “You’ve always been a daughter to me, a part of our family. I think it may be a good time to make that official, make you my daughter and become a Lothbrok.”

You were still confused, was she hinting at adoption? If that’s what it took, she was already a mother to you, the boys close as brothers, uncle Ragnar a welcome presence in your life. You weren’t sure what it had to do with Hvitserk though.

“You want to adopt me?” You questioned, but Aslaug shook her head.

“No,” she said, “no, that process takes a long time, and most children over sixteen are simply emancipated if they have the means you do. What I am talking about, is marriage.”

It took you by surprise, it was not what you were expecting. Aslaug was fiercely protective of her boys, you and Ube had joked that she would never let them marry, as she didn’t believe they would find someone worthy of them. Why should she be interested in this now, especially when you were so young?

“Marriage?” you repeated as a question.

“Marriage,” she said with a nod, “a marriage to Hvitserk.”

“I’m very young,” you replied, not sold on the idea.

“Who else have you loved besides my sweet son Hvitserk? Who else have you cared for through your life, has cared for you in the same way? Who else has been there to wipe your tears, to sit with you through pain, to make you laugh and make you feel at home?” Aslaug questioned you.

You shook your head. No one was coming to mind, the other brothers had been around, but not like Hvitserk, they didn’t care for you in the same way. Mostly on rather than off, you and Hvitserk had been seeing each other for nearly two years, being sixteen you thought that he was the love of your life, he was your end all be all. He was the first person you loved, first kiss, first date, first and only everything. As a young teenager, you thought that was enough.

“And that would settle everything?” you asked, cautious.

“Of course it would, I would legally be your mother, and would be allowed to make your legal decisions, in your best interest of course.” She assured you. It seemed like an easy fix.

“What does Hvitserk have to say about this?” You asked.

“He already has a ring, my sweet daughter.” Aslaug’s eyes were bright, assuring.

You were young, and dumb; you believed her. Within the month, you had made the biggest mistake of your life.

[orangeejuice]

what's your favorite fe3h track(s)🤔 i heard it has good music

It really does! Def one of my fav soundtracks of games released in 2019.

Some of my favs:

- God Shattering Star (probably my favorite of all these)

- Edge of Dawn

- Wailing

- A Place to Rest

- Indomitable Will

- The Leader’s Path

- The King of Lions

- Golden Deer and Crescent Moon

- Apex of the World

- Funeral of Flowers

It’s a long list but there’s just a lot of great tracks. Also, I really like Shambhala (Area 17 Redux) and Unfulfilled but I felt like my list was a bit too long...

[jurien-ashur]

15 Questions + 15 Mutuals

Are you named after anyone?

Not that I know of.

Last time you cried?

Two weeks ago at my grandmother’s funeral.

Do you have any kids?

I have one little monster!

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I don’t know.. I think it really just translate to being an asshole.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their body type (ie.. skinny, fat etc)

What’s your eye colour?

Boring brown.

Scary movie or happy ending?

Horror movies all day-- no happy endings. Everyone dies.

Any special talents?

I’m into carpentry. I like to upcycle things.

Where were you born?

In a hospital.

Hobbies?

Working too hard. Playing survival horror games. Drinking excessively.

Do you have any pets?

One cat and one dog.

What sports have you played?

Baseball, football, basketball, volleyball, track.

How tall are you?

I’m fairly average actually.

Favorite subjects in school?

Creative Writing.

Dream job?

Retirement. Just waking up and getting paid to be alive!!

Tagged by @moonlight---melodies @mai-takeda

Tagging: @sevenjeweledwaves @nocturnedreaming @nurakitten @noirangelxd @whispersofawindwitch @valiant-flower-kamelia @digitaldisaster-xiv @hiname-ff14 @kazexvoss @earthlystarfish @shur-kha-ffxiv @purplefeverffxiv @sorrowful-sonneteer @scholarlostintime @primus-medicus @tay-ffxiv

[heinouslyyours]

>Daveth: Confront Daveth

“….Who the fuck are you?”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“I asked you first.”

“I asked you second.”

You’re having a standoff. With yourself. Or you think that’s yourself anyways–smooth skin for miles, a full head of dirty blonde hair (golden you think miserably), an entire lower jaw and intact nose–wow!–as well as pretty commendable symmetry aren’t traits you’ve had in a long time. The only thing you got over this guy is that while you look like an Evanescence music video reject, this guy has on some of the dorkiest pajamas you’ve ever seen. Score one for team Bird Boy.

“Alright, stupid question. Why are you, how about that.”

“I’m the end of the line buddy. Break out some feathers and a set of scales old school style cause you’re getting your ass Reaped.” 

“Everything you just said, that could have all been said a lot shorter. You’re the Time Police and I’m getting impounded.” 

Even as it leaves your mouth you can feel pain ebbing out of you like poison seeping from a wound. It’s over. It’s over. There’s an end and you reached it, you’re over, you’re done. There’s an end to all of this, and it’s you, and you’ve never been so glad to see yourself in your whole life.

It’s over. There’s an over. You made it.

You’re standing in the field your boyfriend is buried in with his funeral flowers disintegrating around you, and you can’t think of a better place for this to have ended.

“…C+.”

“What?”

“You get a C+. Honestly it’s a little generous, but I factored in the Game since you had a pretty flowery narrative both before and after, but they were at least cohesive. But the Game has a way of fucking that up.”

You feel a spark of something foreign; rage. Just a little.

“…Are you rating my life?”  

“Was the Ancient Egypt reference too esoteric for you or something? Duh.”

Your hand’s in his stupid collar before you catch yourself, and you’re snarling into that pathetic plastic wrap you call your lower lip.

“You don’t know shit about me, asshole.”

Wrong move. The guy doesn’t so much as flinch as he tugs the glasses down with his hand–his claw. 

“Buddy, I know everything about you.”

You let go of him. He goes on. 

“Do you know where you went wrong here? There was a bitchton of bad luck sure, but there’s a point you kind of nosedived. You know when that was?”

Now he’s asking for introspection. You should have known this was gonna be a pain in the ass. It’s you.

“…I came here.”

It’s the fact that’s haunted you for months–months? Years? Whatever time was supposed to be. You did this.

“I wasn’t ever supposed to leave. I fucking…end things. I spoil them. I rot them. I AM rot, and I just…brought it all to here. To him. I ruined. Everything.”

He’d understand. Laffi would never, even if he’d listen to you. It’d be whining anywhere else. But this guy, this guy would get it. He’d know you were just telling it like it was. 

“Right so, try again but with your head out of your ass.”

Or not.

“What the actual hell do you want from me? I’m not in the mood to be tested or, judged, or whatever else it is you came here to do. I’m done. I’m just done. You said it’s over, I just want it to be over. I get it alright? I failed as a Strider. I got mushy about a guy and he became my whole world. I did that stupid thing where when that person goes everything else goes too. But you know what, he WAS everything. So screw Strider point system, screw that and screw you, if my boyfriend dies and I want to cry then I’ll CRY. Like a fucking baby. What the hell are you gonna do about it?”

You have him, for a moment. He doesn’t say a word. Then he sighs. 

“Half credit. Climbing the StriderClan Machoism tower and kicking it in the groin’s a plus. Ideally every one of us does that, it’s completely bogus.”

You didn’t rant all that way just to be told you were valid, but it’s a surprise bonus to feel the relief seep through you. So it WAS complete shit.  

“But you know where you punked out too. That guy, that one guy–he became everything for you. Your whole everything. He became home, and future and hope and healing and meaning–your world. All those eggs in one basket, and when the handle ripped it all came crashing down around you. Now even if you pull your way out of this, you’ve got nothing left. You gotta start from scratch to keep going–but you don’t want to, do you? That’s why you’re done. Cause you won’t go any further, you can’t go any further. So you’re done.” 

Like getting slapped in the face with it, over and over. Even as he talks you see it in your mind–the hill, the tall gold grass, the ocean and the sunset. The carnival, the lights, the funnel cake and the beads. The bed, the tv, the drainpipe, the golden warmth, the lips against your ear. 

Mornin’, budgie.

‘Love you, ma cherie.

It’s him. It’s all him. You don’t remember much of anything else. You’ve been haunting this guy’s grave for months now. Whatever will you should have had to pick yourself up and do something with yourself disappeared with time. 

He’s right. You gave too much of yourself too fast, and now it’s all gone.

“…Now what?”

“Well, you report card’s been delivered. I guess now that’s up to you.”

Up to you? Wait. WHAT is the end? Panic strikes hard and fast.

“What do you mean, up to me?”

“Your story’s pretty much over. The balance of risk, reward, pacing, sacrifice, arc, resolution, that’s all pretty much done with for you. Track’s done. If you want more, you’re gonna have to deal with that yourself.”

More track. Up to you.

“…How?”

“Beats me dude.” 

He holds up the floppy hood of his pajamas–heir you think. Not knight.

“Just do it.”

Don’t let your dreams be memes.

…Sometimes you can almost see it, just ahead. Warmth and light and something you utterly ruined just by being there. Sometimes you hear him again. Sometimes you feel his arms around your shoulders.

Sometimes wonder, if you could just reach it–

You’re hardly Time’s favorite now if this conversation said anything. You were a free agent. A bound loose end, tied only to one thing. You were Over, but that didn’t mean you were Done. Use all parts, as they say.

If you could just–

You don’t need to know the rules. There’s no respect for the limits left in you. There’s a piece of you that’s always belonged to it, that could have always returned if you were ready for it. Heroes in Stories mastered their bindings; you, consistent as you ever were, can give Everything to it. 

You know he’s left. You don’t know when. It doesn’t matter. He’s left you to catch your train, and it’s already pulling away from the station. The Cold in you Ignites, and burns you away.

If you can just reach it–that impossible time–

You’ll give it Everything you’ve got.

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday cmoon-2-mars!

We wish @cmoon-2-mars​ a very Happy Birthday! To help celebrate your special day, @mega-aulover​ has written an Everlark story just for you! We hope you like it :)

PROMPT: So, I'm asking. After 1000s of Everlark fics, my faves are still in-Panem AU "this would have happened anyway". If someone has a chance. I know it's short notice. Thank you!

RATING: G

CANON AU / SET IN CATCHING FIRE

Title: Dawn

AN: Thank you @norbertsmom  for betaing at the 10th hour hugs 

Snow was dead.

It was a remarkable statement. One that no one saw coming. All over Panem people stood transfixed in front of their television screens listening to the latest news. Katniss stood in the Victor's Village, stunned by the announcement. Earlier that day they’d been training, preparing for the Quarter Quell.  It was Peeta’s idea so that they could be ready for the arena since there was no doubt Katniss was going to be chosen as the district’s only living female victor. The question of who would be joining her was still to be determined. The reaping was only a week away when the seal of Panem appeared on all of the televisions with an urgent message. It was compulsory viewing.

 First they said he’d fallen ill. Then it was reported that his conditioned worsened, and finally the news came that he passed away. Caesar Flickerman was dressed in black with pale makeup and blue black hair. He was speaking dramatically about the greatness of Coriolanus Snow. The Capitol had stopped running.

 The door to her home burst opened.

 “Katniss,” Peeta said from behind her.

 Turning around, she rushed into his arms, and as soon as he embraced her she felt calmer. It had been the first time in months since he’d shown her affection and she soaked it up like a flower that’d been deprived of the sunlight for so long.  HIs warm, solid, broad chest felt like home to her. A sneaky thought entered her mind that this might be the last time she’d be able to get this close to Peeta.

 From Peeta's arms Katniss glanced at her mother and sister who were clutching one another on the sofa. She couldn’t believe that this could all be over. With Snow’s death they could all be free. But she didn’t have time to really think about it as Caesar brought on Claudius Templesmith as a special correspondent to discuss the games.

 Templesmith brought up the questions all of the citizens were asking.  “With the Games so close, many are questioning if it would even be worth having them.”

 “What about the wedding of the Star Crossed Lovers, will we be privileged to see them marry instead?” Caesar took out a black lace fan and fanned himself. “Did you see Katniss Everdeen in those dresses?!”

 Templesmith nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yes, the dresses were fabulous. I wholeheartedly wanted to see them get married.”  He leaned in and stage whispered, “You know, I heard a rumor that the Gamemakers were going to host the wedding before the start of the Games.”

  “The travesty that our beloved President will never see his favorite Victors marry,” Caesar bemoaned dramatically.

 Templesmith added, “I would rather cover the wedding than another Hunger Games. I believe President Snow would want a joyous expression of his reign, and a wedding would be exactly what this nation needs to help recover after such a tragic loss.”

“If a wedding would mean cancelling the games, I think it’ll be worth the headache of having to deal with Trinket.”

Haymitch’s voice startled both of them.  He stood behind them with his hands crossed across his chest. Haymitch was still dressed in his training gear.

 “What do you mean?” Peeta asked.

 “I think we need to take a walk. You know, get away from the tragic news,” Haymitch barely kept his sarcasm out of his tone of voice as he pointed to the broadcast.

 Katniss glanced up at Peeta before they followed Haymitch out the door. Katniss anxiously waited to hear what Haymitch had to say.  When they were outside of the Victor’s Village she spoke up. “What did you mean back there?”

 “Look, Snow dying doesn’t guarantee the Games won’t take place.  We don’t know who his successor will be or what they may be capable of doing. There’s a lot of people who could be worse than Snow...” Haymitch drifted off.

 “What does this have to do with us?” Peeta asked the question Katniss herself was thinking.

 “Those two, Caesar and Templesmith have a good idea. If we can get enough people in the Capitol, or hell even the districts wanting a wedding, the interim government might cancel the Games altogether.”

 Katniss thought about  what Haymitch was saying or rather what he wasn't saying. It wouldn’t be just the Quarter Quell, it would be the Hunger Games themselves. “You think we can get someone voted into the Presidency who’s a friend of the Victors, we can make some changes.”

 Haymitch squinted into setting sun as he took out his flask and took a deep draw from it. Katniss felt Peeta stiffen next to her.

 Peeta let go of her and he walked away. The last time they’d made a decision like this he was mad because their engagement was a forced ploy to appease Snow. Now they were thinking of going through with it for the chance of freedom.

 Katniss turned to follow him.

 Haymitch grasped her by the arm, giving her a warning, “Sweetheart, don’t follow him. You’ll just make it worse.”

 “No, the last time we went through this it was a ruse,” Katniss replied.

 Haymitch raised an eyebrow and questioned, “And this time?”

 Katniss didn't wait to answer the question. She ran after Peeta shouting,“Peeta wait!”

 He was just ahead of her but he didn't turn back to acknowledge her calls.  She reached him just as he was entering his house. She blocked the door from closing and muscled her way in. They stood half inside half outside, neither one budging.

  “Peeta, I need to know what you're thinking,” Katniss uttered. Somewhere in between the long nights on the train and training for the Quell, the time when he took care of her, Peeta became important to her. She didn’t want anything to jeopardize what they had. She’d even gone through the grueling months with Peeta as a cold demanding trainer, always pushing to be better, just because she cared about him. Her plan was to have him survive the Games, to live a happy life. His happiness was her priority.  

 “Look, I know you don't want to marry me. I know this is whole thing is a sham, but I don't appreciate you..”

Katniss kissed him hard on the lips, not because she wanted to make him quiet, or because he was hurting. She kissed him on the lips simply to let him know that he was important to her. Tears were streaming down her face as she desperately tried to communicate with her lips what she couldn’t with words. Katniss needed Peeta. Her mouth moved against his desperately. He tried to speak but she didn’t let him. She jumped into his arms, and he moved them backwards into the house, their mouths fused. Somehow they fell over onto the the sofa, and tumbled onto the floor. Peeta sheltered her by making sure she fell on top of him.  Her glittering grey eyes were fixed upon his wide blue eyes.

 “I need you,” Katniss whispered. “I need you,” she repeated over and over again.  All of the pent up emotion she’d felt came out in those three simple words, tears tracked down her face.

 Peeta tenderly brushed her tears away. “Okay,” he whispered. “If they want a wedding, we’ll give them a wedding.”

 Katniss nodded. She looked to the side at the television. Templesmith and Caesar were still going on and on about the wedding. On the side of the screen were all of the replies of the Capitol citizens who loved the idea. She hoped this would work.

 It did. A week later the council members of the interim government, looking frazzled, were standing united as the coffin that contained Snow’s body was being paraded around the City Circle. Their leader, the head Gamemaker Plutarch Heavensbee stood in the middle, solemnly looking on.

 Haymitch, Katniss, and Peeta, as well as all of the other Victors were mandated to attend the funeral.  They stood behind Plutarch dressed in black. Peeta was dressed in smart black suit, Katniss in a black sheath dress, wide brim black hat and dark glasses.  The Capitol citizens were in mourning, dressed in various shades of gray and black, crying for a man that’d been an evil despot.

 As Snow’s white and silver chariot came to a stop in front of the Presidential Palace, Plutarch walked to the microphone.  “Good morning.” He was greeted with silence. “Today Panem unites to mourn the loss of a man that dedicated his life to the care of our beloved country. Today had he’d been alive we would’ve celebrated the marriage of the Star Crossed Lovers.”

 There was a gasp in the audience, and Katniss felt like the world was caving in on her. She’d made the decision to go through with the marriage, to make it real for her and Peeta. She’d spent the better part of a week fortifying herself for the trip. She was only seventeen and marriage was terrifying. Haymitch had worked out a deal with the council so it would be announced today.  She acknowledged if her wedding would put an end to the Games, and kept her family and Peeta’s family safe, she would drag Peeta to the alter.

 “The council understands how fragile our nation is during this difficult time. This is why we need to be united, much like a wedding.” The audience was captivated, eating up the words spoken by Plutarch. Katniss glanced over to Haymitch and she could see him miming the words, exactly. This she found strange; the tension in her shoulders and neck intensified.

 Peeta took her hand and she relaxed instantly. He always managed to calm her down, unlike Gale who always managed to find a way to infuriate her. They’d argued, more like screamed at each other at the top of their lungs in the woods. Gale couldn’t understand why she agreed to go through with the wedding, but they were so alike. He had a fiery personality, no patience, and spoke without thought. It occurred to Katniss that fire plus fire burned out of control.

 Gale had wanted to start a rebellion; take out the Peacekeepers while Snow was dead and the country was in mourning. Katniss had faith in Haymitch’s plan to overthrow the government peacefully, Gale did not.  She was glad Peeta had been with her in the arena.

 She snuck a peek at Peeta. He better than anyone understood what it meant to have a bloodless takeover.

 Plutarch Heavensbee continued, “President Snow wanted them to marry to show that the division between Seam and Merchant, rich and poor, District and Capitol does not exist, that we are all one Panem. So in memory of of our beloved President, the Council has voted to effectively cancel the Hunger Games, and forgive all debts.”  

Katniss wanted to shout for joy, she gripped Peeta’s hand.

 “To show how united we are, what better way to grant the final wish of our dear leader, to give Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen the wedding of their dreams.” The roar of the crowed was unanimous.

 Nothing else mattered from that moment on. The Hunger Games were done. A single tear traced down Katniss’ face. Peeta leaned over and placed a chaste kiss upon her lips.

 It was the image of Peeta kissing Katniss that unified the nation. The rioting in the districts stopped as the Council, led by Plutarch, made sweeping legislative changes.The Games we're replaced with reality television. A show called Bridezillas was all the rage it showed women behaving poorly and childishly while planning their wedding.

 In  District Twelve the whippings stopped and Thread was replaced. One month after the death of Snow, Katniss stood in her woods, feeling free for the first time.

 “So you’re really going to go through with this?” Gale asked.

 Katniss turned around; she’d been waiting for for him to find her. She left a trail for Gale to follow. They hadn't seen each other since she returned from the Capitol. Peeta wanted her to speak to Gale, but Katniss was avoiding it. She realized that Peeta was correct. She had to be honest with Gale.  “Yes.”

 “Why?” Gale raked his hand through his dark hair. “You don’t have to. Nothing is going to happen to us now. We’re all safe.”

 An image of Peeta’s wavy ashy blond hair falling on his forehead came to her mind. How his eyes sparkled every time they sat down to plan their wedding together. A wedding that was going to take place after they both turned eighteen, as stipulated by her mother. “Because I choose him. I’ve realized I don’t need fire. I need my dandelion.”

 Gale looked confused. She tried a different tact.  “Peeta makes me happy.” Peeta was her calming agent she needed.

 Gale’s lips thinned, but instead of letting him lash out Katniss continued.

 “He listens to me, even when I’m mad as a rooster fighting a fox in the chicken pen. And there are times we don’t agree, but even when I'm angry with him,” Katniss could not keep the raw emotion from her voice as she confessed, “I need him.”

 Gale didn't say anything, he simply stared at her, analyzing her words, and examining her facial expressions and body language. Gale was the consummate trapper; he always tried to figure out how to get to his prey. With her, she could see he was doing the same, but Katniss knew he’d end up with an empty trap. When he finally spoke he said, “You love him...you're in love with him.”

 The old Katniss would have been panicked at someone saying that she loved Peeta. The old Katniss would have hidden, been terrified that by admitting she had feelings for him, she was, in effect, going to lose Peeta, like she did her father. But the new Katniss was braver, bolder, in touched with her emotions and she knew Gale's statement was true. A small smile emerged on her face and she nodded.

 “You've always loved him haven't you?” Gale sounded sad as he said it to her. “That's why you let him kiss you in the cave, and risked your life for him and wanted to die in that arena. And why when you came back,  you looked so tormented whenever you looked across the street at his house. You’ve always defended him, and dragged me to see those damned wrestling matches when we were both in school!” He sarcastically laughed.  “You've loved him all along That's why you never wanted to get married or have kids with me, because it's always been him, hasn't it?”

 “Yes.” Katniss looked down at the ground and spotted a dandelion. “This would have always happened Gale, even without the Games.  I think, I know Peeta and I would find a way to be together.”  Katniss sighed. “You’re my best friend, but we’re too alike, and you drive me nuts at times.”

 “Same.” Gale gave her a lopsided smile.

 “Peeta would love it if you could be part of our wedding.” Katniss shrugged.

 “Has he become a bridezilla?”

 Katniss laughed, “Nah, he hasn’t, actually he’s actually trying to keep Prim in line. She’s become bridezilla. You should have heard her over the phone with Plutarch giving orders like she was a general.” She laughed out loud, “Not even Effie knows what to do with her.”  

 Gale laughed.

 “I’ve got to get going, but don’t be a stranger, okay?” Katniss left and walked toward home. She crossed an invisible boundary today.  A genuine smile appeared on her face the moment she saw Peeta’s sitting outside on the front stoop.

 “Hey,” Peeta greeted standing up.

 She wrapped his arms around him. “You were baking,” Katniss said, sniffing his torso.

 “I was trying to keep busy,” Peeta joked. He let her go and they walked into the house.  “So?”

 “You were right,” Katniss rolled her eyes at his girn. “Ugh, I hate it when you’re right!”

 “I’m glad you were able to talk it out.” Peeta walked toward the kitchen. Katniss followed him, and watched when he took a plate off the counter. “This is your reward.”

 The fresh cheese buns caused her mouth to water. She questioned how she could have been so blind.  She put the plate down and at his questioning look she bit her bottom lip before she dragged him to the sofa to kiss him.

 “I love you,” Katniss whispered.

 His eyes became glassy. “For real?”

 “Real,” she said right before she kissed him once again.

 One thing she discovered about her boy with the bread was that she loved his hands. Strong hands that were strong enough to engage in battle, but tender enough to show her love.

 And Katniss definitely loved her boy with the bread.