#AND IM BUSY AS FUCK THE NEXT WEEK AFTER SO I CANT RISK IT AND THEN GO SLOW

[duckduckngoose]

I am a tortured soul (tired and having pain bc tired) forced to choose between horrible decisions (if I should call in sick for school tommorow), between knowledge (there's a really cool class tommorow I really like) or love (I have plans with my friends the next day, and if I go to school all day I might be too tired to hang out)

[elliesbaby]

omg your writing is so hot like- i need to request a smut where ellie is being too busy on patrol and the reader needs attention so the reader seduces ellie to prevent her from going to patrol ;)

Needy

This is a request for Ellie x f!reader

(sorry if its not the best)

Warnings: Smut, Nsfw, Aggression

It had been two weeks. Two weeks of built up neediness that Ellie fucking Williams has caused. Every time you see her its the same. You hangout, she kisses you and pulls you under her body. Pinning you into the bed and telling you every last detail of what shes going to do to you. Then its always

“Sorry love i have patrol, guess we will have to wait”

You were tired of waiting for the auburn haired girl to follow through with the whispers she would tell you behind closed doors. She knows you needed her and found amusement in the fact that she could make you wait.

But two weeks?

You had a couple hours before Ellie left for patrol. Walking over to your dresser you open the bottom drawer. Sifting through you find your ammunition for tonight. Your ammunition being a black lace lingerie set with a black corset and thigh highs. “Perfect” You thought.

You throw on the revealing set to look at yourself in the mirror. Smiling, you know it will work like a charm. You throw ripped black jeans and one of Ellies grey hoodies on and leave your house.

As you approach the steps to her place you take a deep breath and knock on the door.

“Its (y/n)” You announce.

“Oh coming!” Ellie proclaims.

The door swings open and you see her fully dressed ready to leave for patrol early. As you walk in she looks at you confused.

“This is a nice surprise, but is everything okay?” She asks with an eyebrow raised.

“I just missed you and wanted to see you before you left” (y/n) says.

She walks closer to you pulling you into a tight hug. Ellies embrace always felt like what you needed. A blanket on a cold winter night.

As she pulls away you grab her face and push your lips against hers. A slight smile is on Ellies mouth. She thinks she will get to tease you again but you weren’t going to let that happen.

You push her body onto the bed and sit on top of her. Placing your lips against hers again but with more aggression. You craved her and she knew it.

Ellie’s hands trickled up your body, not missing a spot. Slowly you start to grind your body against hers which causes her to grasp at your clothes. Ellie hadn’t seen this side of you. Shes seen you needy but not to the point that you take charge. She wanted to put you back in your place, making you weak at her touch. You could see it on her face and you knew your plan was working.

As you pull away and get up Ellie says “I have to head out for patrol, finish later?”

You smile and take your pants off. Then your sweatshirt revealing the lace outfit you had planned to surprise her with. Ellie doesn’t say a word. She just looks at you with wide eyes.

“Come here” She says after seconds of silence, pulling you against her body.

She grabs your wrists and pulls herself on top of you. Her hands pinning yours to the bed. Her lips move from your lips down to your neck and bites the parts she feels you whimper at. Ellie’s lips make it down to your breasts and as shes sucking you cant help but try to move your hands to her hair. Every time you try she uses more force pinning your hands back down against the cold sheets.

“Ellie please fuck me” You beg.

Then theres a knock at the door. Ellie shoots up with her face turning red quickly she asks “Who is it?”

“Jesse, who else would it be loser? We have patrol, you’re late” He says.

“Uhh i-“ She tries to make out before she notices you are slowly taking each piece of lingerie off. She needs you now.

“Hello?” He says confused still waiting behind the door.

“Im sorry i have been getting sick i don’t think i can go today” Ellie says as you’re slowly grinding against her leg making her know you refuse to wait any longer.

“Thats okay ill let them know, feel better!” As you hear the footsteps get quieter you look back at Ellie.

The girl is frowning at you. “You’re an asshole you know that?” She says still frowning but with a slight smile. You take a risk by assuming shes joking and you clash your lips against hers. Now shes slowly moving her hands down your body. She starts touching you causing your head to fall back and a moan leave your mouth. She takes the rest of your outfit off and kisses down your body.

Ellie reaches your thighs going from kissing softly to leaving love bites all around. She slowly starts kissing your sex and you grab the sheets. Her tongue glides over your sweet spot and she starts to lick faster. At this point you already felt like you were going to finish as she knew exactly how to please you. You’re moaning her name, begging for more and she slowly slides two fingers inside of you. A little scream escapes your mouth causing you to cover it instantly.

She has her tongue against you and her fingers inside of you always quickening her pace you feel yourself start to peak. Ellie notices and tells you that you have to wait. You look at her barely unable to contain yourself and you nod to her. Thats when she slides another finger in and you know you cant wait any longer. As your legs are wrapped around her body you beg her “Please Ellie i’m going to-“ Just before you could finish your sentence you feel her fingers curl sending you spiraling. You reach your peak and she helps you down from it. She stays there for a little bit before getting up, just to look at you. To admire every part of you that she loved. She then gets up and lays next to you. You look at her with a red face and she smiles at you.

She pulls your head against her chest and plays with your hair. It feels like pure harmony as you come down with your heavy breaths and she holds you. You feel safe. Then again Ellie has always kept you safe.

“Hey (y/n)? I want you to know i’m gunna ask to patrol less. Ive missed you these past two weeks.”

You shoot up and sit on top of her. “Really!?” You say with eyes bigger than a kid in a candy store.

“Of course, Id do anything for you” She says in a soft tone with a big smile.

You grab her face and kiss it all over causing her to blush. “I love you” You say.

“I love you too idiot” Ellie says.

[skeezsbbygirl]

heather + hwang hyunjin

hello lovelies! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

this is for anon who requested a scenario based on conan gray’s heather, and i decided to add a little twist to it (because im a big baby and i cant take the angst TT) hope you enjoy! <3

STREAM GOD’S MENU AND EASY.

You faltered as you tried to match Hyunjin's pace, your high heels making the task even more impossible aside from Hyunjin's long strides. "Fuck it," you huffed and stopped mid stride, leaning down to remove the straps of your shoes, finally sliding them off one after the other.

Hyunjin took notice of your absence and quickly looked back to where you were, your heels hanging from your hands as you were sauntering towards him barefoot. "What made you think that wearing heels is a good idea?" he questioned as he walked back to meet you halfway, turning his back to you and squatting down. "Get on my back," he offered.

"I wanted to impress you, maybe even get you to like me or look at me as something more than a friend," you mentally answered him. However, you couldn't risk to lose him, at least not over some one-sided feelings you've been sheltering within your heart for the past few months.

"You're going to regret this," you playfully taunted as you snaked your arms around Hyunjin's neck. He hooked his arm around your calves, asking you if you were comfortable before carefully standing up, bouncing you up a bit to slightly rearrange your hold on him. "Come on, (y/n). I do this for you all the time," Hyunjin joked.

"You had the time of your life at that party, huh?" Hyunjin spoke after a moment of silence. You let out a heavy sigh. "I wanted to forget someone for a moment," you replied softly, afraid that he would catch on the hurt laced within your tone. "Who?" he asked.

"You."

You've been friends with Hyunjin since diapers, basically you shared more than half of your memories and life experiences with him, even some of your firsts, which unfortunately included having your first love. Yeah, you'd date someone here and there, thinking that maybe venturing out into other men would help you get over your feelings for him, there was no harm in trying, right?

But boy were you wrong.

Instead of forgetting your crush on the said boy, it remained, worse, it got stronger. No matter how many times you tried to erase your fantasies of Hyunjin, your heart and mind were stubborn -- fixated on the thought of making your love life suffer for life because you couldn't see any other way around it.

You thought of confessing, but that didn't work out for you. Not that Hyunjin rejected you or anything, but you didn't even get the chance to pour your feelings out for the male because he introduced you to her that day.

Min Yeji, his heather.

"Hello? Earth to (y/n)?" Jeongin waved his hand in-front of your face, snapping you out of your thoughts. "What got you spacing out?" he asked, throwing an arm around your shoulder and rubbing them in a soothing manner. "I'm confessing today, Jeongin," you exhaled in an attempt to calm your nerves, "I'd rather tell him now than never."

"Listen, if hyung fails to see the beautiful person that you are inside and out, then to hell with him," Jeongin reassured. "I'll personally ask Chan-hyung to teach him a lesson if he chooses her over you," he added.

You gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Jeongin," you said.

You knew it was wrong, selfish even, for having him choose between you and her and for having to confess at such an ungodly timing. You wasted all those years trying to find him in someone else when you could've just spoken your truth. Now, you were left with fighting for a spot to stay. But you wanted to tell him everything before it's too late, before you fade away from his memories, before you get replaced.

And with that, you gave Hyunjin a call. He picked up after the second ring, greeting you and telling you that he was just about to call you as he had something that he really wanted to tell you in person too. So, you guys made plans to meet up in the afternoon at the coffee shop that the both of you frequented during the weekends.

You nervously fiddled with your fingers, growing more and more impatient as the seconds tick by, feeling as if you were about to burst any second now.

"(Y/n)!"

You perked up when you heard his voice, but your smile fell as he approached you.

Hyunjin had his arm around her waist, sporting the biggest smile, one that you've never seen on him. The sight of this Hyunjin was breathtaking, almost unrecognizable as his eyes molded into crescents and his lips curved into the most charming smile. Guess that was reserved for her, huh?

You swallowed the lump in your throat as tears threatened to spill from your eyes, but you held them in and managed to plaster a fake smile on your face, like those countless times when you needed to be strong, especially when you needed -- no, when you should be happy for Hyunjin.

"Hey," you spoke as you got up from your seat, clearing your throat seconds later as you internally cringed at how weak you sounded.

"Yeji," he turned to look at her, "Meet (y/n), my best friend," he continued as he turned his gaze towards you.

That was your first time meeting her in person, but not the first time you've heard about her. Hyunjin made it known, three weeks ago to be exact, that he had been eyeing a certain someone. You still remember that night. Hyunjin was sprawled out on your bed with his head on your stomach as you lazily threaded your fingers through his golden locks. He rambled endlessly, gushing over everything about her.

Yeji leaned in for a quick hug and you returned her sweet gesture. "It's so nice to finally meet you," she beamed. "Nice to meet you too," you replied, wanting to reciprocate the excitement in her tone but you failed. "Take a seat," you invited.

You were so set on hating her and despising her throughout that afternoon, but something in you couldn't. You now saw why Hyunjin fell for her. Yeji had kind eyes, a sweet smile, a lovely personality, and so much more of what you weren't. You wanted her to be mean, maybe to even throw a glass of water at you while Hyunjin excused himself to the bathroom, only to come back and see you soaked in water. He would defend you and leave her, then it would end with him confessing his love for you, admitting that he was so blind to see it before, but now he's changed his mind. You know, just like those dramas that you spent hours watching with Hyunjin.

As Hyunjin busied himself with Yeji, you were mostly by yourself, except those times wherein Jisung would suddenly barge into your apartment and plop himself down on your couch and insist on watching dramas with you. Although you appreciate Jisung's presence, it simply wasn't the same without Hyunjin. You were so used to him -- his presence, his smell, his laugh, and his dramatic antics. It was like you had to start over again, but this time, you were alone.

Reality hit you harder as time passed by.

"--so yeah, I'm basically waiting for Chan-hyung's approval-" Hyunjin's rant was cut off as soon as he spotted Yeji a few feet away, quickly getting up from his seat to help her with her books and bag. "Hey, (y/n)," she smiled, giving you a quick hug like always. "How was class?" you asked her, trying to make small talk as the couple settled down across from where you sat. It was only then that you noticed the sweater that she was wearing. You immediately figured that it was Hyunjin's, judging from the way it drowned her petite figure and Hyunjin might have offered you the same sweater a few winters back.

You felt a pang in your chest.

"It sucks, as usual," Yeji replied as she let out a defeated sigh. "I totally feel for you," you chuckled.

"I can do your essays for you," Hyunjin cooed at Yeji, leaning in to press a chaste kiss on her cheek. You were quick to divert your gaze to your phone, not wanting to witness the affection that Hyunjin displayed. "That's so sweet of you, Jinnie, but you have your own classes too," Yeji responded as she playfully pinched Hyunjin's cheek.

You cleared your throat as you got ready to leave because a) you didn't want to third wheel, especially when you had feelings for the said partner, and b) clearly, your presence wasn't needed. "Hey, uhm, something came up with Jisung and it looks like he needs my help," you lied. "Oh, alright. We'll see you later, (y/n)," Yeji waved and you returned her gesture. "Call me if you need anything," Hyunjin stated and you nodded.

You fought back the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes as you walked back towards your apartment. Upon your arrival, you drowned yourself with school work, not only did it distract you from your current situation, but it also aided in clearing your weekend so you could squeeze in more hours of much needed sleep.

For the next few days, you decided to distance yourself from Hyunjin. It hurts, but you needed to save yourself from further heartbreak. You no longer hung out with him, you started texting him less, and then eventually, you avoided any sort of contact with him.

"Have you seen (y/n) lately?" Hyunjin nudged Seungmin, who was currently immersed in the movie that was playing on his laptop. "Yeah, I just saw her this morning, why?" the younger lad answered. Hyunjin's suspicions were confirmed, you were indeed ignoring him. But no matter how much Hyunjin thought about your new found behavior, he couldn't rack his brain for an answer. Was it something he said or did?

He came up with nothing for the past hour or so, and that's what led him to give up and just call you. "Pick up, (y/n)," Hyunjin mumbled as he paced back and forth in his bedroom, groaning when you failed to answer his call.

This continued on for days.

"Hyunjin."

"Babe," Yeji called for the blond-haired boy's attention for the second time. "Huh?" Hyunjin snapped out from his thoughts, "Sorry, I was distracted for a second."

"It's (y/n), isn't it?" she asked. "Well, yeah. It's just that I haven't heard or seen her lately," Hyunjin answered as he lowered his gaze, thinking that his response would settle wrongly with his girlfriend. He shouldn't be worrying about another girl, especially within Yeji's presence. Hyunjin expected her to lash out, but to his surprise, Yeji gave him a small smile -- it wasn't exactly out of understanding his concerns, but more of getting tired hearing his concerns. She placed her hands on top of his, "I understand, she's your friend after all. But, you do know that my patience has a limit, right?"

"I'm sorry, love. Forget about it," Hyunjin waved his hands, a motion to discard his previous statements. "Chan-hyung is hosting a party this weekend and I want you to come with me," he invited, "The boys really want to meet you."

Yeji shook her head which earned her a puzzled look from the male. "Come on, it'll be fun," Hyunjin prompted.

"Jin, I'm not blind," Yeji snapped. Her response caught Hyunjin off guard for a second. "Look, baby, if this is about-"

"I see the way she looks at you, the way she acts around you, and the way she avoids my advances. I don't blame her, though. If I were in her shoes, I would've cut the bitch already," Yeji exclaimed as a defeated smile made its way on her lips. "But instead, she's trying to be so strong and you're so stupid to not see this. Hyunjin, you've been friends with her for years, you should know her better than anyone else, maybe even better than she knows herself," she continued, frustration evident in her tone.

"Go to her, she needs you," Yeji exhaled.

[Present..]

"Hyunjin, you can put me down now," you said as the both of you neared his parked car and the said male complied to your request, letting you land carefully on the ground.

"What do you mean by wanting to forget about me for a moment?" Hyunjin questioned, his eyebrows contorted in confusion as he faced you. "I just want to forget you, get you off my mind, even for a second," you breathed out, the amount of shots that you took at the party giving you enough courage to pursue this line of conversation with Hyunjin. You already lost him and yourself, so you have nothing else to lose at this point.

"(Y/n), what are you talking about?" Hyunjin chuckled lightly, "Come on, bub. You're my best friend," he added.

And that was your breaking point.

"Well, I don't want to be your best friend anymore, Hyunjin!" you exclaimed. "I'm tired of being second best," you sobbed as you finally allowed your tears to fall. Hyunjin's smile immediately fell and his eyes widened at your sudden breakdown, you looked so hurt, betrayed -- you looked broken.

"Second best?"

"Yeah, just like how I was tonight, right?" you snapped as you flashed him a sarcastic smile. "Since Yeji couldn't make it tonight, you were left with the me," you retorted.

Hyunjin didn't respond because honestly, he didn't know how to.

"I tried, Hyunjin," you paused, "Believe me, I tried to get over you but I can't. I'm so in love with you. I tried to blame Yeji for all of this but how can I when she's been nothing but nice to me, she treats me like a sister."

"I wish I didn't wait that long, I wish I told you sooner," you continued.

"I'm sorry," Hyujin whispered. You shook your head as held your hand up to signal him to stop. "Don't apologize so that I can hate you."

You turned away from him, not wanting his eyes on you any longer. "I need to let you go, Hyunjin," you sniffed through your tears. You started walking away, still barefoot, but you didn't even bother at this point. Hyunjin's hand caught your wrist, "I'm not leaving you, at least not like this. Let me make this right, (y/n)."

"No, Hyunjin, please," you breathed out as you tried to free your wrist from Hyunjin's grasp. "I told you I'm not leaving you," Hyunjin argued, tugging you towards him and catching you in his embrace. He wrapped his arms around you, tightening his hold on you when you tried to push him off. "Shh, bub. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere," he spoke in a hushed tone and you hated the way it soothed you, causing you to lose your strength as you eventually gave into his touch.

Hyunjin gently stroked your hair as he whispered sweet nothings into your ear. He waited until your breathing evened out and soon later, he led you back to his car. "I'm driving you home, then we'll talk," he said.

The drive to your apartment was dead silent. A million thoughts raced through your mind as you looked out from the car's window. Now that you've sobered up, you felt stupid for acting out. Did you honestly think that throwing a tantrum would make Hyunjin dump Yeji? No, you didn't think so.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" Hyunjin asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He sat next to you as he handed you a glass of water. "I never had the chance. I was supposed to tell you that afternoon when you introduced me to Yeji," you confessed, taking the glass of water he handed you. "Did it ever cross your mind that it was unfair for me too?" Hyunjin suggested.

"I'm not making you choose, Hyunjin," you sighed. "I know you love her, I don't want to rob you of your own happiness. That's why I'm the one who's walking away," you added as you sipped on the drink, setting it down on the coffee table and placing your hands back on your lap.

The blonde-haired male shook his head in disagreement as he moved down to kneel in-front of you, his hands tentatively coming up to lay on your knees. "Can I at least have a say in this?" he asked. You bit your lip and gestured for him to continue.

"You're right, I do love Yeji," he paused, taking a moment to form the right words. "But, I love you more, (y/n). I don't want you in pain because of me and it's killing me right now to see you like this," he added as a tear escaped his eye, recalling the state you were in a couple of hours ago, but he was quick to wipe them away. "You could've slapped me that day, called me an asshole, or something," he said, "I'll choose you over anybody, any day. I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize."

You were left speechless, uncertain of what your response should be, so you opted to stay silent.

"Yeji actually knew this was coming, maybe not right away, but at some point. I didn't believe her when she told me you had feelings for me. She told me she felt it the moment she met you in person," he explained, "So, we thought it would be the best to part ways and that's why she didn't come with tonight."

"I'm sorry," you muttered, keeping your eyes on your lap, finding a sudden interest towards the hem of your dress as you fiddled with it. "No, baby, don't be," Hyunjin replied, tucking a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. "I guess what they say is true, huh? You never appreciate what you have until you lose it," he admitted.

Finally, you mustered the courage to meet his gaze. "You'll always have me," you said. "Good, 'cause you'll always have me too," Hyunjin gave you a small smile. You pulled him up from his position, guiding him to sit beside you. Once Hyunjin was seated, you wrapped your arms around him, burying your face into his dress shirt. His scent quickly filled your senses, making you feel at home and protected, a feeling you hadn't had in a while.

"Let me make this right, yeah?" Hyunjin spoke as he held you close, one hand patting your head gently and the other rubbing the small of your back. "Yeah, okay," you agreed.

"She may be Heather, but you're (y/n), my (y/n)."

[stupidjewkyle]

request from @im-just-star-dust

cartman x reader

my friend, eric- part 1

TW: abusive parents (mostly verbal abusive, no physical abuse) please don’t read before and after the ‘*’ mark if this is triggering to you. thank you :)

NOTE: this is set in 7th grade, they are all 12 and 13

y/n pov:

my whole life, i’ve been quiet. every school i went to, i was known as “the quiet kid.” growing up, i never had many friends. i mean, how could you even make friends without talking to them. and even if i made a friend, it wouldn’t last long cause of how much i move. my parents work in...a strange business. drug dealers. they’re always scared of getting caught, so we move once every 4-6 months. i hate my life. i hate my parents. i hate not being able to speak up about anything. i never get to have a say in anything that happens in my life. for example, today my parents decided to move again. since we have quite a bit of extra money to use, i asked to move to hawaii, or a nice place like that. they laughed and then handed me a paper with the moving information. 467 cliff drive, south park, CO, USA ‘you have to be fucking kidding me.’ i mumbled. “what’s wrong with south park?” my dad said. “it’s not a very known town, so we would be safe there. we could probably stay there for at least a year and a half.” “now you could finally make friends!” my mom said smiling. i rolled my eyes.

*

“you know what? if you’re gonna be a bitch about it, just go to your room and start packing. i don’t wanna hear anymore shit from you. got it?” my dad said, pulling me by my hair.

i wanted to say something so bad. but i was scared. i turned around and started walking upstairs.

*

1 week later

we were finally here. south park wasn’t as bad as i thought it was gonna be.

i haven’t left my house since we got here. all

the kids in my neighborhood are always outside, i cant risk them seeing me. i don’t want to meet them. i’m too scared to talk. they might think i’m weird. i just can’t risk anything. plus, school starts tomorrow. i don’t want anything to be anymore awkward than it is for me on the first day.

cartman pov:

i woke up early like normal. i got dressed, like normal. i talked to my stupid bitch mom, like normal. i walked to the bus stop, like normal.

“god why is everything so fucking boring all of a sudden?? has it always been like this??” i said while standing next to kyle and kenny.

kyle glanced at cartman. “yes, it’s always been like this fatass. i don’t see a problem with it though. it’s nice to have a routine-“

“SHUT THE FUCK UP KYLE. JESUS CHRIST YOURE MAKING IT WORSE.” cartman yelled at kyle.

“you know what? i’m leaving. there’s better and less stupid things to do than school.”

i started walking away from the bus stop. stupid fucking kyle always ruining my day.

i started walking to token’s house.

on the way there, i saw a girl walking down the street. she had y/h/c hair that went down to her elbows (sorry if your hair isn’t that length LMAO). it caught my attention. she was wearing baggy jeans, an oversized tye-dye t-shirt, and a pink un-zipped jacket on top. she looked so pretty and bothered while she walked.

“woah.” i said out loud.

“dude can u move? i need to get to school.” token said standing behind me.

“cant you see i’m busy token? just walk around me.”

“i would if you weren’t so fat!”

y/n pov:

shit! i think those two boys saw me. i need to get to class fast before they say anything to me!

after what felt like hours, i finally got to my class room. i walked up to the teacher and she assigned me to a desk. “go sit next to stan, he’ll tell you about the school.” i nodded my head.

“oh hi you must be the new girl.” stan said, holding his hand out for me to shake. i blushed and didn’t put my hand out. he looked confused. “okay then... meet me after 5th period and i’ll show you around.” he said sitting back down.

cartman pov:

time skip, lunch time

i sat down at my usual table with kenny, kyle, stan, butters, craig, jimmy, and scott malkinson.

“holy shit guys, did you see the new girl?” i said excitedly.

“oh yeah i did. i think her name is y/n? i’m not sure. she’s pretty hot tho.” kyle said taking a bite of his sandwich.

“fuck off kyle, she’s mine!” i yelled.

“woah calm down fatass. she’s not yours. she doesn’t even know who you are.” kyle replied.

“and i’m about to change that...” i said grinning.

y/n pov:

i sat down outside, alone. it’s only the first day, and i already made it weird. why couldn’t i just shake his hand? he’s probably telling everyone i’m an awkward, germaphobe who doesn’t talk.

i sighed and put my face in my arms.

“uh hi. your the new girl right?” a boy said looking down at me, his hands behind his back.

something about him made me feel..safe.

“um yeah... i’m y/n...” i said quietly.

“y/n... i like that name, it’s pretty. i’m eric, but most people call me cartman.” the boy said, sitting down next to me.

“well nice to meet you eric.” i didn’t know what else to say. i wanted to keep talking to him but i had nothing else to say.

“um... are you friends with stan?” i said, hoping we could continue talking.

cartman pov:

goddammit. she likes stan. great.

“oh yeah we’re friends. he uh has a girlfriend though in case you were wondering. i’m sorry.” i said.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! WHY AM I BEING TO NICE TO HER?! WHY AM I BLUSHING AND SMILING?? AND WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH THAT SHE LIKES STAN??

i didn’t realize what had happened to me until it was too late. i had a crush. this isn’t gonna end well. i swore i would never like anyone again after the whole heidi thing happened. i should just leave and call her a bitch and ignore my feelings. yeah! that’s a great idea!

i stood up.

“well, i have to get ready for class. it was really nice spending lunch with you. maybe we can hang out after school on friday?” i said.

“yea sure! i’d love to.” she said smiling.

GODDAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!

to be continued...

[ashfantasyworld]

Jack Ironshield

I look up at the kingdom I have served for so long, there is not much I can say nor express in how disappointed I am in the cause I have been fighting for. Rebeca puts her hand on my shoulder “it will be fine big guy lets go there is nothing more we can do”. The reason I am writing this is I can not speak, and therefore I hope that writing my story can help people see me for who I really am.

Well to say that I have been anything other than a soldier my whole life would be a lie, i used most of my life serving the kingdom. But as soldiers we are not just fighting, sometimes we have to be involved in civil matters, and what happened I will always disagree with as long as I live. But before we get into that I think I need to introduce myself, my name is Jack Ironshiled. I am 27 now and have been a soldier for 9 years now, a mute 6 years after I almost got killed in the line of duty. After that I swore to become a protector. I had gotten a second chance, and that is how I did meet Rebeca. 

I had one mission to go and stop a bar fight, I went there and found a very drunk lady beating up a much bigger guy than herself. I tried to calm her down without much use, but I felt for her because she was drunk and angry at the guy touching her. So I decided not to toss her in jail for the night and carried her home. She was kicking and screaming most of the way before she fell asleep. As we got home to my place I put her to sleep in my bed, while I found a bed roll and slept on the floor. I did not think much of it. 

The very next day i wake up with a knife to my throat, “who the fuck are you” I look at the lady from the night before, fuck i cant say anything. I try to move my hands to make a sign, “Hey i asked you a fucking question who the fuck are you”. She is now shouting at me, “Hey can't you talk ANSWER ME”.... I nod gently, And move my hand slowly pointing at the scar over my neck. “Oh you can not actually talk”, I nod gently. “Well fuck why i am here”? No, what to do now I look around frantically and see a liquor bottle, and point at it. She looks up, “Oh it was that bad of a night?” I clench my hand into a fist and punch my other hand making a gesture of fighting, “oh i see and who are you?” I look around once more, and point at a big shield with the kingdom's mark on. “Oh fuck your a soilder or knight well im fucked”

I smile some but nod, as she removes the knife, and looks at me. “Hey i am sorry i did not mean to” I lift her up and put her in a chair, and move over to the kitchen. “Hey hey be calm big guy i don't want any” I turn around with a cup of tea and some bread and meat. And hand it to her. “Oh you're not mad” I shake my head and hold forward the food. “Is that for me?” I nod and place it infront of her. She looks at me and drinks the tea and eats the food, “damn big guy it tasted amazing but why are you so nice to me? Soldiers usually don't help people like us” I clench my fist and put it to my heart. “Oh you believe in protecting people '' I nod and smile. “Well I hate to burst your bubble but big guy, i think that you might be in the wrong line of work for that.” I tilt my head and look confused at her. “I guess you have not been home since the war started, and been out fighting.” I nod and show off all of my scars, she takes her hand and runs her fingers along them. Her hand feels so soft against my rugged skin, “I can't imagine how bad it has been. How long has it lasted now 7 years? Have you been deployed  all of them?”. I nod and look at her with big eyes, “yeah i can imagine a king wanting to use someone like you for fighting no words just a fighter.” I look down as she says that, i hate it that i can't speak and tell her i am not only that. She stands up and put a hand under my cheek and lift my head up so my eyes meet hers, “hey now i know you have a big heart, and you are soft even tho you look like big soldier if you weren't you would never have taken me home instead of jail” She smiles and sit back down, “its fine i know you had to do your job” she looks at me and smiles, “i hope big guy that you won't see the worst of it. But your king is treating us all like criminals after the war” she looks down. “But hey it might turn around ehh?”. I look at her disbelief and shake my head, she shrugs and pat me on the shoulder and hands me a note with an address. “If you ever need someone big, I am here for your name is rebeca by the way.” I grab a paper and write my own name on it. “Jack Ironshield, I have seen your father once but never spoke to him. So long jack I hope to see you again,” Rebeca walks out and disappears into the town. I am happy to have met someone like her, and I'll make sure to keep the note safe.

After some weeks back home I started to see what rebeca was talking about, collecting taxes from people who barely have money. We get people who do crime or just dont have money to pay, and put them in jail. I am starting to struggle with doing my job, this is wrong, it's not what I fight for. One day I am summoned to an event by the king to keep people in line, when I get there I am disgusted it is an execution. I stand and look at the people, as they are looking a lot and are cheering it on, some are crying. They start one after another is killed, some for crimes that deserve death some for crimes that don't deserve punishment. But I hear someone cry, it sounds like a child. I turn around and look in disbelief as I see a 12 year old boy in the ropes. And the guy starts to read as he drops and hangs, “this boy was caught stealing food from the king's stores and is therefore hanged by orders of the king. Anyone who is caught trying to steal from this city will meet the same faith, thiefs do not deserve to live” I look up at the boy as he hangs lifeless in the ropes, tears start falling down. I have had enough. I will not protect some king that will punish a little boy for trying to feed himself, I will not protect a corrupt king who only looks out for himself. I walk off on the way I drop off my armour i and weapons, and walk home. I open my closet, and take out my old weapons and armour from the war. The longsword has dents in it from how many times I have slayen or beaten down enemies, and the shield has marks after enemy weapons. My trusty dagger that always keeps me safe when most needed. And my old chain mail, rugged, dirty but a good armour. I pack some things and move to get going, but I want to say farewell to Rebeca. I look at the note and start walking towards her house, as I walk there I get into a poor part of town. I can see how people here are struggling just to survive, children working trying to feed their families. People look worn down, and near a breaking point. As I come to the house I see rebeca kneeling in front of her house, with a guard holding a sword to her neck while another one looks through her stuff. “So where is the money little girl, we know you have some” ‘. She looks at them and shouts “I have paid this month I am in the clear” One of the soldiers hit her, “this is the soldier tax for us to be nice”. Something in me snaps. I can feel the rage I had back in the war coming back, I walk towards them and they don't hear much. As they are busy trying to shake down Rebeca, I walk up behind one and drive my dagger through his chest, twisting it, killing him. The other one try to reach for his sword, but I grab him by his head and slam it into the ground. I keep slamming it back into the ground, blood goes everywhere, how could he. Soldiers are supposed to protect their citizens not hurt them, I keep slamming his head into the ground, I did not go to war for this. I did not risk my life for people to be abused. I feel a hand grabbing my shoulder. I turn and clench my fist ready to hit to kill, rebeca looks at me. “Hey hey big guy he died a long time ago, calm down now we need to leave and that fast.” She moves her hand to my face and wipes off some blood, “now calm down you need to think now.” I look around me seeing people looking, I hurry up and help her grab some things before we hurry and walk out of the city. I look up at the kingdom I have served for so long, there is not much I can say nor express in how disappointed I am in the cause I have been fighting for. Rebeca puts her hand on my shoulder “it will be fine big guy lets go there is nothing more we can do ''. This is part one of 2, i am helping a guy from my server writing his char. I think it came out pretty good so far hope u all like it. @erik-jj char

[calcifermovesthecastle]

Self insert Vento Aureo

not a reader insert

Cw: mentions of non-con and trauma, blood

I woke with a start 3 days later, the faint memory of a nightmare clinging to my mind. I bit my lip, crawling out of bed when I noticed Abbacchio wasnt with me. 

The second I reached the living room, I heard voices in the kitchen. I stood against the wall, chewing my lip. 

"No, I know she's supposed to stay with me, but It seems like for the next three weeks I'm going to be gone for days on end, and She won't be safe home alone. Mista can take her for a couple nights, but she needs somewhere safe, and safest is with you." 

"I don't mind watching her, but Bucciarati, this is excessive." I could hear Abbacchio sigh, and I bit down, trying to work through what I was hearing. Bucciarati sighed himself, and I heard footsteps. 

"She is asleep now, right?" 

"Yeah, out cold. She went to bed at 5." 

"Good. I'm just… I'm worried. This stand user is targeting girls her age and I don't want her to worry about it. I know she's capable, But these girls are disappearing without a trace. Not to mention I'm doing my damned best to find her rapist. Every time I pick up a trail, it falls out of my hands. Please, watch her." 

"You know I'm going to, but I like my privacy, Bucciarati." 

"I know… I hate to put this on...Did you hear that?" 

I had bit a chunk out of my lip when I heard Bucciarati's words, and gasped when blood spurted in my mouth. I brought a hand up to my mouth, debating on walking into the kitchen or going to the bathroom. I didn't think fast enough, because the light in the living room was turned on, and Bucciarati and Abbacchio stepped in. 

"Sasa, I thought you were asleep," Bucciarati said gently. I kept my mouth covered, swallowing. 

"...had a nightmare." 

"Are you okay?" 

"No." I swallowed again. "I bit my lip pretty bad." 

"You really have to stop chewing on it." He walked over to me, moving my hand. I couldn't tell if I was mad at him or not, so I recoiled from his touch. Concern flickered across his features. "What was the nightmare? You look shaken up." 

"I don't remember the nightmare. Why do you hide things from me?! Why does everyone keep things from me? I'm a member of Passione. I have a stand. Fuck, I was the one who was raped, Bucciarati, so why hide information about it from me? If I meet the criteria to be kidnapped by some mysterious stand user who targets girls my age, why keep it from me? Why not tell me, so I can be on guard?! Why do you insist on treating me like a child, Bucciarati?" 

"It's not because I'm underestimating you, Sasa." He sat on Abbacchio's couch, beckoning me over to sit next to him. I shook my head, crossing my arms. He sighed. "You're very capable. You're very bright, and you're strong. But you are only 14, and you have no business being in the mafia so young. The only reason you joined is because you were born with a stand. And because you went behind my back to pass Polpo's test. It breaks my heart seeing you go down this path." 

"It's better than my parent's path. At least I'm not overdosing on Heroin." I bit down on my lip, flinching when I bit my wound instead. Bucciarati sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"It's… It's not like I'm asking for you to let me go with you, Bucciarati." I spoke slowly, so my voice wouldn't shake. I was mad after all. "I just want you to keep me informed on things. Especially if it involves my attacker. I don't like being kept in the dark." 

Bucciarati looked up at me, something flickering behind his eyes. He stood and took my hand, leading me back into the bathroom. 

"Sasa, look in the mirror. Your nightmares are getting worse and more frequent. You've lost enough sleep to kill. You're working yourself to the bone trying to catch up with school. You look sick all the time, and I know it's because you're stressed. You've got to start taking care of yourself. You don't have to be working all the time to be appreciated and valid. Honestly, it makes me happiest to see you acting like a normal kid your age, when you're doing schoolwork or having fun with Mista. And now, I need you to stay with Abbacchio for a little while longer while I work, okay?" 

"Why- I feel like I'm intruding. Why Cant He come stay with Us? That way he can have his own space and I can sleep in my own bed? And then I won't have to worry about you If you're going to be home periodically." 

"See? You're brilliant. I didn't think of that. Please, Sasa, for me. Take the backseat and focus on other things right now." 

"You know I can't do that, Bucciarati." I swallowed, grabbing a wad of tissues and pressing them to my lip. "You said it yourself. My nightmares are getting more frequent." 

Bucciarati cupped my face in his hand, pondering me. "How about this. We'll compromise. I'll keep you updated on everything that concerns you, and you focus on school instead of work, okay?" 

"That-that's fair, Bucciarati." My hands shook. "O-oh. um, do you have-" 

"Abbacchio told me, Sasa. I put a whole pack in the cupboard for you. But let's get you home, hm?" 

"I'd like that…" 

Bucciarati smiled, wrapping me in a hug, which I returned, squeezing my eyes shut. 

After my much needed shower with my own products, I went out to the living room, sitting quietly on the love seat. Abbacchio and Bucciarati were sitting on the couch, barely any space between them. I chewed my lip quietly for a moment, my hair dripping onto my clothes. Bucciarati opened his eyes when I walked in, smiling at me. 

"Are you ready for bed, Bimba?" 

"I just have a little bit of homework to do…" I looked between him and Abbacchio, sighing. 

"That can wait. I called into your school yesterday and told them you'd be out for a while." 

"You just told me to focus on school!" I couldn't hide the frustration in my voice, and I flopped back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "Which is it, Bucciarati?" 

"It's not… it's not safe right now, Sasa." Bucciarati chose his words carefully. "And besides, this time off will help you catch up a little bit. You can work at your own pace." 

"By keeping me locked up at home. Great." I rubbed my eyes. I wasn't really being fair, and I knew that, but I was tired. It didn't justify it, but it explained it. 

"Oi," Abbacchio's voice was sharp, and he stood, grabbing my face and leaning down. "He's only doing this so you don't get attacked again, monello. Or did you want to risk your life, have it happen again, for more hours filled with more nightmares? Watch your mouth." 

"H-" my voice caught in my throat, and I searched Abbacchio's face, betrayed and hurt. He realized his mistake in a moment, his face falling when he saw the tears rising in my eyes. "How can you say that i- that I want that?" 

"Abbacchio, let go of her." Bucciarati's voice was soft, but stern. As soon as I was free, I stood, slowly, staring up at Abbacchio with the same horrified look. I glanced over at Bucciarati, quickly, before turning on my heel and walking quietly and slowly back to my room, locking the door.

I cried myself to sleep.

For the next two days, I kept myself locked away in my room. I cried, a lot, a lot more than I wanted to, but it would be random bursts out of nowhere. 

I didn't have an appetite, so I didn't eat. The only time I left my room was to go to the bathroom across the hall. 

There was a knock on the door later that night, and Abbacchio's voice leaked through. 

"Sasa, I ordered takeout. Come eat something." 

I frowned, slamming my pencil down on my math workbook. 

"I'm not hungry. I don't want anything. Just put it in the fridge or toss it. And leave me alone." 

My voice cracked, and I angrily wiped my eyes, looking in the mirror and seeing the face of my rapist instead of mine. I turned away, before taking the blanket from my bed, covering the mirror with it. I tightly shut the blinds to my window as well, and used a tee shirt to cover up my smaller mirror. 

I didn't sleep well that night, spending what time I was asleep in nightmares, and the rest staring up at my ceiling. 

The next time there was a knock at my door, it was Mista's voice. 

"Hey, can I come in?" 

"No. I'm busy with school right now." 

"From what I hear, you've been busy with school for five days. Have you eaten anything? 

"I'm not hungry. Sorry, could you go? I'm trying to concentrate on this." 

"Sasa-"

"GO!" I slammed my hands down on my books, irritation coursing through my veins. 

I was left alone for the next day and a half. I snuck out of my room when I heard Abbacchio's snores, to get a glass of water and to eat something light- i think it was an apple-  before scurrying back to my room and slamming the door when I heard him get up. 

I recognized the next knock, and dreaded the events that followed. I doubled down, trying to focus on my math. 5x40. 

"Sasa, can I come in?" Bucciarati's voice gave nothing away, and I groaned, frustrated. 

"Not right now, Bucciarati. I'm trying to do my homework." 

"I'll ask one more time, Sasa. This is your chance to let me in." 

"No," I said firmly. "I don't want to see anyone right now." 

"That's too bad, Sasa." I heard a zipper, and Bucciarati stepped in, blinking in surprise when he saw the state the room was in. 

My overhead light was off, the only light source being my bedside lamp. There was no blanket on my bed, it was still covering the mirror. 

I flinched when Bucciarati flicked the lightswitch, blinking rapidly to adjust to the new light. When he sat on the edge of my bed, I scooted further away, staring firmly down at my schoolwork. 

"Bimba, we have to talk about this," he began gently, reaching over and pulling my books off of my lap. "You can't lock yourself away like this." 

"I-" I took a deep breath, trying not to snap at him. I really didn't want to, but my mood wasn't the best. I just swallowed and let him continue, shaking my head. 

"Has Abbacchio apologized?" 

I shook my head. "He bought takeout a couple days ago, but I wasn't hungry." 

"Have you let him apologize?" 

Slowly, I shook my head. "I don't know if im- if I'm ready to forgive him for that. I know he says a lot of things out of frustration but… but this one meant something and it really, really hurt me." 

"How much have you eaten, Sasa?" 

"An apple, I think. I'm not hungry. I just feel sick. I- I am drinking water though." I gestured vaguely to the glass on my bedside table, frowning. "How much longer am I going to be out of school?" 

"I haven't caught him yet. Fugo and I were out all week, but the most we got were some of his subordinates. It's freezing in here, Sasa. Have you been sleeping without a blanket all week? Why is it covering your mirror?" 

"I kept seeing his face." I swallowed. "In the window too. 's why my blinds are shut." I finally met Bucciarati's face, my lip trembling. His brow was knit, and he reached out and took my hand. 

"Right, Sasa. Come on, out to the kitchen. I'm going to make you some food before I have to get going again. And you have to eat it."

 I knew there was no point in arguing with him, so I stood and followed him out to the kitchen. Abbacchio was sitting at the table, so I remained standing. 

"Sit down."

"I-"

"Sasa, sit down." 

I sighed, pulling a chair out and sliding into it. Abbacchio looked up at me, clearing his throat. 

"I'm sorry for saying what I said. There's no excuse for it." 

"You really hurt me, Abbacchio. You have to be careful with what you say. Sometimes they're not an 'in the moment' kind of thing." I swallowed, hesitating for a moment before reaching over and grasping his hand. "Just don't say anything like it ever again, and I'll forget about it.

"I promise." He squeezed my hand, pulling it up to press his lips to it. I gave him a wobbly smile.

Bucciarati set a bowl down in front of me, ruffling my hair and squeezing my shoulder. I broke down, tears filling my eyes and spilling over. 

"It's alright, Bimba." Bucciarati sat next to me, keeping his hand on my shoulder. "Eat your soup, okay? And watch some TV. I'll be back tomorrow."

    That night, I sat next to Abbacchio on the couch, and he turned the TV on. I didn't really pay attention to the movie, instead finishing my math workbook. He checked it over for me, smiling when he saw that I got it all right.

    The movie ended, and he got up and put a new one in. I smiled when I saw that it was Jaws. 

    "Is this your attempt at a peace offering?" 

    "Is it working?" 

    "You didn't have to in the first place." I met his eyes, reaching for his hand. "Really. I do appreciate it though." 

    He lounged back on the opposite end of the couch, and halfway through the movie, I lay down with my head resting on his stomach. He brushed my hair out of my eyes so I could see, and by the time the movie had reached its climax, I had fallen asleep. 

(Bucciarati's POV) 

    I walked in my house around 4 am, having no new leads on who this stand User was. I heard noises coming from the living room and peeked in. The news was on low, and when Abbacchio saw me, he shushed me, nodding down to Sasa. I smiled when I saw her finally resting, and finally looking like she was getting good sleep." 

    "How long has she been asleep?" 

    "Since 7. I put Jaws on after she finished her math homework and she passed out on top of me about halfway through. She's doing much better. Not a single problem was wrong." 

    "Really?" I raised my eyebrows in surprise. "I'm impressed. She's really been struggling with Math lately." I glanced at her as she took a deep breath and shifted a bit, turning to Abbacchio when her breathing evened out. "Do you want a coffee?"

"Sure, I'll take one." 

I disappeared into the kitchen, returning with the two coffees and sitting on the floor, leaning against Abbacchio's legs. He took his mug and sipped it, closing his eyes. 

"Anything interesting on the news?" 

"Nah, just bullshit politics and what the weather's gonna be like today," Abbacchio looked down at me, his lips quirking up in a smile. ""Anything interesting happen last night?" 

"Nah, we're no closer. This guy hides himself really well." I finished my coffee, setting the mug aside. 

I found myself dozing off as well. 

(Abbacchio's POV) 

I flipped through the channels on the tv until I found something worth watching. Both Bucciarati and Sasa were out cold against me, both snoring softly. It was quiet while I watched an old documentary- something about ancient egypt- and I stayed as still as possible until I felt Sasa move. I looked down in time to see her eyes flutter open. She looked up at me, blinking slowly as if registering I was there. 

"Time is it?" 

"Shh… It's… 12:30." I reached over and adjusted her blanket. She nodded, yawning, and turned, seeing Bucciarati's head resting against my leg. She was quiet for a moment before turning to me. 

"Tell me the truth, Abbacchio. Are you two…?" 

"I don't know, Sasa." I sighed. "Sometimes it feels like it, but other times it just seems that there's that barrier of professionalism." 

"Screw Professionalism." She yawned, snuggling closer to me. "I think you two should. I want to see you both happy, and Every time you're together, you both look so...at peace with things. I dunno. I wish you would, and then you could move in here. I'd like having my two dads together." 

I looked down at her, nonplussed. "What?" 

"I think you heard me, Abbacchio. And I know you know that I mean it."

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

hi💕 did you get my ask yesterday? anyway it’s okay if you didn’t, i just got another idea because i’m feeling shitty today, what about chris and you liking each other but you don’t want to say anything because you don’t feel worthy of him so when he insinuates you just dismiss him and he thinks you don’t like him like super angsty but happy ending?

This one was fun, I hope I got that bit of angsty feel to it, while keeping it light hearted. If he ever told me he had feelings for me, I would be all adkfjakldfjqier HOT MESS. Lol. If you like this kind of theme, @jtargaryen18 has a great chapter one with this feel called Jealous Guy with Chris x Reader. Its so good! 

You looked at Chris as you popped open his fridge, and stuck your head in. “Buddy, if you are out of beer before this bbq even begins, can we even call it a bbq?” Straightening and looking at the thread bare shelves, you arch a brow. Did he even eat?

“Its out in the garage Y/N, trust me I know better then not to have beer.” He rolls his eyes at you, making burger patties and setting them on a platter, a splash of Worcester sauce, salt, pepper. Yea good enough. You make your way to the garage through the kitchens side door and grab two bottles. Okay, thats better. He had a full fridge in the garage, as well as the extras to bring out into the back yard when they go to set up.

Going back in, you make sure the door is firmly shut, outside was sweltering already, and you considered the idea that you all maybe should have extra ice on hand. “Yes I got plenty of ice to” Chris says with a grin as he rips off some saran wrap and covers the burgers before handing you the platter to place into his fridge.

“I promise, I only asked you here to hang out. I got all the rest covered." Chris moved to wash his hands and you hip check the fridge shut.

"Okay! Okay! I give! I'm here.... Only as a guest...."

He paused, knowing it was coming.

".... Who feels like she should help you get ready."

That earned you a hand towel being chucked at you, the two of you laughing as you both headed out to his patio, calling Dodger to join you two, and Chris snagged his sunglasses while waiting for his pup to join you two.

The two of you has been best friends for many years, it was an easy going, no expectation kinda deal. There we're times, you wanted to take it further, you knew those little over the top things he did privately for his girlfriend's, after all you had helped him brainstorm a few of them. But they were never for you, always the best friend, you weren't complaining. You valued this, but you wondered what it could have been like.

You were out of his league anyways, you knew that, he knew that. Life is what it is. These were your thoughts on the subject.

But the past year he pulled back from that scene. Seemed to focus on himself, what he wanted to accomplish after his Marvel stint. You had asked him a couple times if he was seeing anyone. Chris would just kind of shrug, become elusive in his answers. "He, I'm to busy"

Somehow you would never catch his glance your way when you would go back to what you were doing. He was not to busy, he was conflicted.

You were his best friend. He didn't want to ruin one of his most valued relationships by asking for more. Even if it could be the best thing in his life.

"When's everyone supposed to get here?" You ask, as you move over to sit on the edge of his in ground pool. Kicking off your flip flops and lowering to dip your toes in, and sinking your leg in as you sat down, careful with the glass bottle. He loped over next to you, already barefoot, he lowered next to you and took a drag before he set it next to yours.

"Couple hours yet, although Scott and Zach will probably be by sooner."

"They are so damn cute" you remarked, having just met Scotts boyfriend a few weeks ago when you were invited to a party they were throwing

Chris chuckled softly, watching Dodger on the other side of the pool, rubbing himself in the freshly cut grass, staining his white fur green. "They really are, and Scotts so happy, probably the happiest ive seen him in a long time." You picked up on that wistful note, glancing over at him and let your shoulder nudge him. "Did I just hear a note of longing Christopher, Mr. I like being a bachelor?"

You were only teasing, but he looked thoughtful at you, blue eyes scanning over your face, and you felt that all familiar tingle flushing the tops of your cheeks. Damn it y/n, check yourself woman.

"Well maybe, yea. I would like something more then the occasional fling, and just sex. But I'm not sure she be interested in me like that. We've never discussed it, and shes never necessarily hinted in more then what we got."

You, so completely not picking up on what he was really saying, cause in your mind, he couldn't ever be into you. "Well doofus, you have to tell her. Come on, your a catch Chris. Any woman would be happy with you, and with luck, she will make you happy to." You tipped back your bottle, the icy cold beer tingling your lips in that delicious way, your tongue would swipe along your bottom lip, Chris trying to keep himself from getting to distracted.

Playing with the neck of his bottle, he sloshed it a bit, and then set it aside before taking a drink from it. “Okay, I will. Y/N, what do you say, would you like to go out on a date with me?” You just about choked on your beer, sputtering and he reached over to tap his hand against your back. “Jesus Christ woman, breath!”

“You-you want to go out, with me? why in the world would you want to...?” Your voice drifted off, and Chris arched his brows, reaching out to take your hand, which you let him. Still shocked at his question.

“Really Y/N? You cant really be questioning why? Ive known you for years. We have fun together, you already know about all the risks that come to dating me. Youve never, wondered about what it would be like for us? Cause I have many times.”

“Well yea Chris, I mean... ive noticed, dont get me wrong. But im me... your you, it just...” You gave a shrug, not really wanting to say those words. Chris tilted his head, blue eyes searching for what you werent exactly spitting out, and shook his head.

“I dont get what you mean Y/N, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Come on Chris”pulling back your hand, you splashed your leg a bit while drawing it out, and wrapping your arm around it as you bent it, watching the water run down to the tips of your toes, suddenly they were fascinating, you could really just watch those droplets race away all day then to answer Chris’s question. But he wasnt backing down, and you could feel his incredibly blue in the sunshine, im innocent but also know what Im doing to you babes, eyes fucking staring at you. “You are so out of my league, Ive seen the woman youve dated in the past.”

Taken aback, his brows furrowed in frustration. “Thats bullshit Y/N, you think I would think anyone wouldnt deserve me cause I happen to make movies?” He went silent, contemplating what he wanted to say next. The fact that you felt that way about yourself just proved that he was going to have to show you how incredible you were. “Just a chance Y/N, if you have any feelings for me. Its all I ask for.” Turning back to you, he dipped his head to hover near yours.

Waiting for you to give an answer, your heart race cause he was that close. You could feel the soft breaths of air coming from his soft breaths and your eyes darted to those full lips, making your own throb with wanting to brush against them. But hes your friend, your mind screams and then a soft whisper. But he can be so much more.

It was all interrupted when Scott called from inside the house, and you pulled away, scooting back and moving to a stand, grabbing the emptied beer bottles. It was an excuse to get away from what you actually wanted to say. “Let me grab us another!” Racing away to go greet Scott, Chris lets his head falls into his hands, groaning. I was so close, and scared you away.

Scott busted through the door to find Chris pulling himself to a stand, catching the drawn look he had, he tilted his head “Out with it, I know that look, and thats the one you use when something is bugging you.”

“Nothing is wrong Scott” Chris lied, Dodger promptly coming over to greet his “uncle”, in which Scott immediately ruffled his ears. Not to be distracted though, he gave another spill it motion.

“Okay, if you MUST know Scott, I might have told Y/N I had feelings for her.”

Scotts eyes widened, and he grinned. “Well its about damn time Chris! You two have been dancing around each other for a year. Even Zach said we should just push you two together to kiss.”

“Yea well, it didnt go as I hoped.” His hand went up to the back of his neck, rubbing it. “She feels shes not in the same league? How is that even a worry.”

Scott shrugged and loped his arm over his brothers shoulder. “Hey, shes probably just nervous and caught her by surprise. Talk to her again after the party, and relax bro. Trust in your gut.” Chris wrinkled his brow as he listened to Scott, he made some good points. It was unexpected after all. He had certainly never hinted it before at you that he had any real interests. “Come on, let go see what those two are up to and finish setting up.”

Inside, you and Zach were dicing up some fruit they had brought for a fruit salad, having avoided bringing Chris that second beer, and Chris didnt remark on it once they came back inside. He smiled over at you and you glanced down right quick, moving to drop the strawberries in. Was it going to be awkward? Fuck you hoped not. But to your relief, there was no change. Everyone fell into an easy chatter, Chris went and started his grill, and before you all knew it, the party was underway with people showing up, bringing more food, games were played and most likely to much beer got consumed.

The evening started winding down, and you bid your goodbyes, touching Chris’s arm “So im going to head out, it was a great time, dont forget to drink some water before bed though. You will wake up with a headache.” A frown plays on his lips.

“Wait, your really leaving? I thought we could talk.” His eyes flashed hopeful at you, and honestly right now it was all more then you wanted to get into.

“Yea, I got an early morning and stuff I need to take care of.” White lies werent harmful, right?

“How about I come over tomorrow then?” He was still trying, one thing about Chris, once he set his mind to something, he rarely backed down.

“Text you, I promise!” You say a bit overly cheerfully and dart out the door, leaving him on his own once more. Digging out your keys, you escape to your car and pull out of his drive. Driving around, you ended up going nowhere near home, instead you drove around, trying to process your thoughts.

Why couldnt you Y/N? Dont you deserve some kind of happiness and youve always been attracted to him. Just always putting yourself down, you did that with your ex to. Here Chris was saying he had feelings beyond just friends and you ducked out the door before telling him that you might have as well for years.

This was how it went for a couple hours, getting dark you turned on your head lights, and before you realized where you were, your car pulled into Chris’s driveway, tapping your fingers on the wheel. His lights were still on, but everyones cars were gone. Were you really going to do this? Yes... Yes you are. Y/N, you have someone who wants to see if you two are meant to be something more, someone you actually care for as well. Stop holding back.

Going up the front steps, you consider letting yourself in, but you simply knock instead, twisting your fingers together. Dodgers bark emits, and you can hear Chris on the other side. “Hush boy, its okay. Back up buddy.” And then the click, he opened his door and a quirk of a smile folds up the corner of his mouth. “Hey.... “ You take a deep breath and step up to him, grasping his face in your hands, and sweep up to your toes to reach him. Why he have to be ridiculously tall? The sharp taste of beer and him flooded your senses, and his arm tilted around to brace you in close, holding back enough so you could control this kiss, it was yours, and he wasnt about to scare you off again.

Pulling back, you smooth your hands down to his shoulders, clearing your throat. “First of all, Chris you know I dont want to loose our friendship, second I want to see how good we could be. And third...”

Suddenly Scott appeared in the background, grinning wide. Apparently he didnt leave. “ITS ABOUT TIME YOU TWO!!!”

Cats out of the bag, you and Chris were going to see where this would go.

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[hold-our-destiny]

if you cant breathe- chapter 6

sorry its been so long! this is a really short chapter because ive been really busy lately. ill try to get some more chapters out soon!!

read it here on ao3

feel free to comment

------------

Tony eyed the liquor cabinet for what seemed like the hundredth time today. The same thought flashed through his mind as all the other times. 

Peter wouldn't want-

No

Tony doesn't know what peter would want-

Because peter’s dead

Because tony couldn't find him

Tony stood up from where he was sitting at the kitchen counter and left the room, walking down the hallway towards the elevator to the lab. Tony had been spending a lot of time in the lab recently (steve says too much time (Tony doesn't think so)).

The bedroom door was only open slightly but it was enough to make Tony stop in his tracks. he didn't dare look at the door, staring straight ahead. He shook the thoughts out of his head and carried on walking to the elevator. 

The elevator doors opened to reveal none other than steve fucking rogers himself. Tony avoided eye contact and pressed the button to the lab, standing in silence with the captain.

“Tony-”

“Don't” he said it with such certainty steve hesitated on his next words.

“Tony. You know we’re all worried about you.” he sounded pleading- tony almost laughed

“Does it look like I have any fucks left to give?” Tony still didn't look at him.

“It's been three months.”

“I don't want to hear it”

“Peter wouldn't want thi-” in an instant, tony had pushed steve up against the wall of the elevator, he had his hands raised in surrender.

“Dont you fucking dare say he wouldnt want this, you dont know what he would want. No one knows what peter would want.”

“Im sorry” steve sounded almost genuine, tony would believe him if the rage wasn't clouding his judgement. The doors opened to the lab, Tony walked out in silence, not looking as the doors closed behind him. He waited a few seconds before he let the walls crumble.

Tony’s hands came to his mouth and throat, his breaths coming out in short gasps. His nails scratched his neck, begging for more oxygen but none would come. The same thoughts kept circling through his head. It's your fault, all your fault. You couldn't find him. And now he's dead. He was hurt. And you didn't save him. 

Tony was trying every calming exercise he knew to try and get through it, but none would work. He was still gasping, desperate for the air his body oh-so-dearly needed. He could distantly heard the sound of friday, trying to calm him down. Tony tried to drag himself to one of the work tables, desperately trying to ground himself, find a way back to reality.

--------

“Im really worried about him nat,”

“We all are- he knows this”

“But its been months” 

“Only he can find his way out of this, we just have to be there for him”

--------

The door to the cell slammed open, making peter jolt awake, eyes wide and body stiff.

“Wakey wakey petey pie” the doctor walked over to be in front of peter’s kneeling form, grinning as he saw the tension in his body.

“Are you ready, pet?”

“I-im ready sir” peter slowly stood, not lifting his head as he did so, not risking accidentally angering the doctor.

“Well come on then” the doctor lead peter out into the hallway and through another doorway, a small box sat in the middle of the room, just big enough to fit a person.

“Get in” the doctors voice suddenly got sharp and strict, peter immediately obeyed, crawling into the box and closing his eyes as the door closed and locked.

A few minutes of being cramped in the small room, the panic set in, his breaths came out in small gasps with long waits in between. Peter desperately don't want to use up all the air but his lungs begged for it. He wished he was back at the tower, or anywhere but here. He wished he was with Tony, why hasn't he come yet? 

You know why. Master told you. He doesn't care. He never did. He gave up after two weeks. You're nothing to him.

Silent tears slipped down peter’s face and he sniffled. He wanted to go home.

The door to the box opened with a click, the doctor’s face appeared in the opening.

“Well well. I thought I could treat you and let you out after 20 minutes today. You know my rules,” peter nodded, not meeting the doctors eyes, “what are my rules, pet?”

“Don't talk back. Don't look into anyone’s eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t make noise. Don’t move.” 

“Very good,” the doctor had a smile on his face, peter thought maybe he had done something right, “now it's another 20 minutes in here, make no noise and I'll let you out okay?” Peter nodded and the door locked with a click again. 

Peter rested his head against his knees, wishing to be anywhere else.

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Stay Ch. 16

Master List

Pairing: Natasha X Reader (Female)

Summary: You have a gift, the ability to see other people’s innermost secrets. For years you used it to gather intel for the highest bidder when you take on The Widow. After she becomes more than a mark the two of you spend years stealing moments. Post snap you wait in your designated meeting place, look back on the sordid past you share with the woman you love and hope against everything that she’s still alive.

Warnings: Angst, and fluff, and feels oh my!

A/N:  So yeah I swear I wroth an authors note for this... but idfk what happened. 

ANYWAY! Thank you all for being so patient while I got my life together. This one is also short and sweet (guess that’s the mood I’m in). However, y’all should know me by now. This is just the calm before the storm. 

Hope you enjoy this one my pumpkins! 

Tags are open!

@mywinterwolf  @disagreetoagree  @breezy1415  @peachthatdrinkslemonade  @5aftermidnight@jeromethepsycho  @marvel-randomness  @daniellajocelyn  @katecolleen  @yanginginthere@wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @lesbian-girls-wayhaught @siriuslycloudy2

March 2007

At some point in the last five months, you’d stopped recognizing yourself. The woman in the mirror wasn’t Y/N. Her hair was different, down to even the eyebrows. Her accent distinctly that of a life long Londoner. She worked for an independent UK couture fashion magazine, chose wine over whiskey, and was distinctly heterosexual.

When the chance to work this job requiring deep cover came up in December you jumped on it. You didn’t want to be you anymore. The you that couldn’t be with the woman you loved. The you that was heartbroken. The you who was beginning to doubt that you’d ever be happy. Fuck her.

Being Charlie Daniels was far better. She was, of course, a real person. Just one who was now living comfortably in the Bahamas courtesy of MI6. Even legit agencies had use of freelance talent every now and then.

Settling into her life had been easy. Not setting her boss on fire or blowing his brains out daily was a different task altogether. Turned out that a magazine was a great front for a crime empire. Lots of international travel, young and beautiful and desperate men and women, money exchanged in countless untraceable ways, on and on. And this fucker was happy to take advantage of every single disgusting avenue it opened up.

You almost had everything you needed to hand to MI6, get your obscenely large payout, and get on to another gig while they threw all of these bastards into cells to rot for the rest of their miserable lives. Just one more trip. After whatever horrible things they lay out in Tokyo you’ll be set.

Tokyo is one of those cities you can lose yourself in. Like New York but better for its interesting balance of vibrancy and grounded reserve. You absolutely love it.

The whole point of the trip, at least on the surface, was to focus on Fashion Week Tokyo. Honestly, there was a part of you that wished this was your world. Nothing but runway shows and after parties. Writing about the latest trends rather than delving into the inner workings of the worlds miscreants

Oh well. It was nice enough to pretend. You had to admit that you’d miss Charlie Daniels once you shed this skin in a couple of weeks.

You’re sitting two people down from your boss at an underground show. The level of security here screams that there are other things going on behind the scenes but it’s still a room filled with a who’s who of the Japanese and international fashion communities.

This was your third show of the day, and you knew there would be a party after where you’d have to schmooze all while plucking information from your unsuspecting fellow guests. You’re exhausted. So rather than pay much attention to the show you let your mind wander.

When she walks out you feel her rather than see her.  Slowly you turn your head to stare dumbstruck at the model walking onto the catwalk. Your heart begins beating against your ribs, your mouth goes dry, your hands shake.

It takes every ounce of control you have to keep your emotions in. To not scream “Natasha!” at the top of your lungs. To not grab her and run for the hills. Charlie Daniels and her easy life be damned. It’s hard but you manage.

As she turns and comes back down, passing now closer to you, her eyes don’t graze  the crowd at all. Head up, shoulders back, she walks the runway like she’d been doing it for years.

The rest of the show is maybe ten minutes but it feels like years. You know the models are all attending the party. Eye candy for the high end guests.

It’s fairly easy to ditch your coworkers in the crowd as you try to find the best vantage point in the room without being too obvious. After a solid twenty minutes, you find yourself planning an escape route. Most of the models are milling about but she’s no where to be seen. You will find her.

But you know you can’t skip out just yet. At the bar, you order a red wine and make yourself seen. Charlie would never miss the whole party after all. You spend a bit chatting with designers and a few models, feigning interest in the whole thing until you hear your boss call out to you.

“Oy, Charlie!” Carl’s voice alone makes you want to put him down. When you turn he’s waving you over to the bar. Sighing heavily you head over.

You’re about ten feet away when you see her, head back laughing at something Carl or his friend had said. Both men are far to close to her for your liking and the hungry look on Carl’s face sets your blood boiling.

He slings an arm around your shoulders and you carefully coach your face to not show disgust. “Charlie here is my best writer. Doin’ some pieces for us on this whole thing,” he waves his other hand around wildly.

“Good to meet ya, Charlie, I’m Dan,” the other man, clearly American says.

“Likewise,” Natasha doesn’t react to the accent at all.

“This here is-”

“Natalie,” Natasha cuts him off, extending a hand to you. Holding her eyes with yours you take it. It’s like touching a live wire.

“Natalie is an American model working here in Japan. May be a good topic for a piece.” He ribs you leaning closer, “And a good piece for the office eh?” Suddenly that MI6 money seems far less appealing.

“I’d love that,” Natasha beams. “Why don’t you guys go mingle and Charlie and I can chat!” The men exchange a glance, but there’s plenty of fresh meat around to sink their teeth into.

Carl flashes you a greasy smile and a wink as he walks away. Thinking clearly that you’re going to snare this woman for him. You, unfortunately, had a few others. Not something you were proud of. Demands of the job you told yourself.

“She’ll take a vodka neat,” you tell the bartender.

“Yes,” Natasha smiles at him, “Whiskey for her. Makers if you have it.” He thinks nothing of it and makes your drinks.

“So, how’s modeling in Japan?”

“Probably about as good as writing for a sleazy jackal.”

You laugh, “That bad? What’s the goal.”

“Getting a cover,” you commend the clever word play.

“That’s a good goal. Long term?”

“Something like that.” She takes a sip of her vodka, “How long are you here?”

“End of the week.” Your skin itches to touch her. The men are rounding back. You hold her gaze and shift your eyes back to them. She catches on.

“Perfect! It’s so hard to have a good interview here, don’t you think?”

“Absolutely. Why don’t you come by my hotel?” You whip out your spare key card. “I’d love to get your story for the mag, maybe do a full feature.”

“A feature would be excellent exposure!”

“Wouldn’t it?” Carl slides up next to her. “We can get you all the exposure you could want Ms. Natalie.”

“Charlie was telling me all about it.” She flashes him a coy smile. “Thank you so much Charlie! I forgot I have a late fitting tonight for another show so I’ve got to run. But we’ll chat soon yeah?”

“Absolutely! It was so good to meet you Natalie.”

“Same! Bye!” She hurries through the crowded room and disappears.

“Busy girl.” Carl quips. “Whiskey?” You look down at the glass by your hand.

“Some guy sent them over,” you gesture to Natasha’s lipstick stained glass. “Seemed rude to refuse. Can’t stand the stuff though.”

“That’s a mans drink,” Carl laughs at his own perceived joke and you force a smile.

Somehow you make it through the rest of the evening. You’d refused to allow yourself to hope that she’d be here, too obvious to come the same night, better to wait. Kicking off your shoes you head straight to the mini bar and crack open a whiskey, downing it in one gulp.

“You really need to be more careful,” Natasha’s voice comes from the bathroom. “I mean not even checking around. Sloppy.”

“Charlie Daniels doesn’t have to check for Russian assassins in her bathroom,” a smile pulls your face so tight it hurts.

“Well, Natalie Rushman isn’t a Russian spy. So…”

You let your real accent resurface as you pull her into your arms, “Natalie Rushman, I don’t know if that’s clever or lazy.” She kisses you hard, tongue sliding over your lips hands gripping your ass.

“Mmm,” she hums. “Kinda like the accent.”

“Oh?” You revert to the clipped posh Londoner sound. “Would you rather be with Charlie? I hate to break it to you, she’s strictly into dick so you may need to get a bit creative.”

Natasha’s head falls back with laughter, “I’m always into a challenge but,” she cups your face in her hands, “I’d much rather Y/N, she’s got a cute accent too.” Your kiss is soft this time, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, honey.” Gently you push a strand of hair out of her face. “Is this smart? Are you gonna get-”

“I’m good. I wouldn’t be here if I thought there was risk.” She pulls away and tugs you toward the bed. “There’s no surveillance on me here, I check in every week, that’s it. This is strictly to build a cover.”

“Cover for what?” She gives you a sideways glance. “Right. National security.”

“Do you really want to talk about work?”

Smirking at her you push her back on the bed. “Maybe later.”

You lean down to her but she stops you by planting a strappy heel in the center of your chest. Trailing your fingers down her leg you snag a knife from her thigh holster. Carefully you slide the blade under the straps, the incredibly sharp edge cuts through the thin suede like it’s nothing.

“Those were very expensive you know,” eyes sparkling with desire.

You slip the shoe off and toss it aside. “I’ll buy you a new pair.” Your lips press against her ankle.  

Everything in your life until her was so fleeting. Even your own name, the sound of your own voice, who you were… But with her, you were grounded. You weren’t anything but her’s, you were Y/N.

Suddenly you’re overwhelmed. Caressing her muscular calf you just stare at her eyes. Emerald green, dark liner, lids heavy with lust and exhaustion.

“Natasha…” Your voice cracks and you fight for composure.

“Y/N? What is it?” She shoots up, cradling your face in her hands.

You shake your head, unable to really find the words and unwilling to send this storm of emotions to her. “I just…” You cover her hands with your own. It’s not that you don’t want her, you do. But…

“Can we just… I just wanna hold you…” Her expression immediately softens, eyes sparkling a touch with tears. “Sorry… I… I just…”

“I’d love that, baby.” Tenderly her lips brush yours, then your cheeks, your forehead, your eyelids as they flutter closed.

You shed your clothes and crawl into the plush bed. Holding tight to one another you spend hours drifting in and out of sleep, covering the other with soft kisses. Before the sun rises your hands wander southward.

This time you don’t fuck one another senseless. It feels like you’re trying to memorize every curve, every sound, every subtle thing that marks being together. You both know you many not get to do this for some time. The knowledge aches but it doesn’t make having her any less sweet.

Post Snap

You lean your head back on the wall behind the booth. The crying man from last night is gone, you find yourself hoping that he’s resting peacefully somewhere… even though you know it’s pointless to hope for such things.

There are more people filling the bar than there was before. The TVs are off, radios turned up, reporters frantically trying to determine what happened. It was global, that was clear. All planes grounded, trains stopped, communications spotty due to damaged cell towers.

A man speaks frantically to someone who seems to be a friend that he was heading to Nuremberg from Budapest, how the roads are almost not navigable. He doesn’t know if his family is even still there but he has to find out.

Despite his distress, your lips curl a bit at the mention of Budapest.

[sunflowerstache]

A Happy Man (Part 2)

A/N: Hello beauties! This is the sequel to my first ever angst piece “You’ll Be Okay” and I really love it! It’s loosely based off the song Die A Happy Man by Thomas Rhett! As always, if you enjoyed/have questions/comments/suggestions/all of the above, please let me know! I love hearing from y'all so much and I love you all to bits!

Word Count: 3.1k

Masterlist            Part 1

“Have a nice Saturday love.”

Your phone buzzed on the end table next to your spot on the couch, indicating another incoming message from Harry. And just like every other day, you left the message unanswered. For the past 4 days, like clockwork, he had sent you a text at exactly 8:15am, wishing you a good day, and another at 9:30pm reminding you that he loves you. After walking out of yours and Harry’s hotel’s room 4 days ago, you had immediately flown home and showed up a sobbing mess at your parent’s doorstep. Upon the door opening, you found your father raising a baseball bat and your mother hidden on the staircase, in fear of an intruder – as it was the early hours of the morning – a sight you would laugh at if it were any other circumstance. Once your parents realized it was just you, and that you were a wreck, they quickly ushered you inside and to the couch, so you could explain what was wrong. That was days ago, and here you were, still seated in the same spot, staring off into space while your parents watched from the entryway.

“She’s going to start growing into the couch if she doesn’t move Y/M/N.” your dad whispered, or at least whispered as much as a dad was capable.

There was a small thud, and you knew your mom had gently smacked your father’s chest, “He meant a lot to her. She just needs some time.”

“And she can hear you both.” You turned your head to look at the two of them huddled together. “I appreciate you letting me crash here, but you don’t have to dote over me. I’m a big girl. Go to the Christmas Tree Shop or whatever it is you retired folk do.” You tried to crack a smile, but you knew it looked more like grimace.

“Oh hunny, you don’t have to thank us. You’re our baby, of course you are always welcome here.” Your mom cooed as she scuttled across the room to sit next to you and run her fingers through your hair, “Everything’s going to work itself out. I promise.”

“My offer still stands monkey. You let me know where he is, and I’ll go have a nice little chat with Harold.” Your dad smiled, still standing at the entryway.

“No dad. The last thing I want is for you to talk to him right now. It would only make things worse. I mean, I didn’t break up with him. I just told him I needed time. So that’s what I’m doing. Taking some time.” You took a deep breath, talking more to yourself than to your parents now, “Not broken up.”

~~~

“She broke up with me, mum.” Harry’s groan was muffled by the thick white duvet as he laid face down on his hotel bed, still in yesterday’s clothes. “I’ve tried to talk to her every day, and there’s no reply.” Similarly to Y/N, Harry had spent the last 4 days in the same position; wallowing in self-pity and crying to his mother.

“She didn’t my dear. You told me what she said, and she just needs some time.” Anne was seated next to her son, running her hands through his short curls, “You have to understand where she’s coming from. The two of you have been strong for two years, this is just a small bump. Everyone goes through them.”

“Not us, mum. We don’t do this. We never fight, and we never walk away from each other. We’re best friends. Or, we were at least.”

“The two of you are two peas in a pod, don’t doubt that Harry. You have a very busy life, and I mean this with every ounce of love I have for you,” Harry turned his head to peak out from under the blanket to look at Anne, “but you do tend to put quite a lot on your plate. And you never were one for clearing your plate. You’ve been so focused on finding things to keep you busy during this time off, that you’ve put some things to the back burner. Some important things.”

It was like Harry was transported back in time, listening to the bustling streets below while everyone carried on with their lives. Like he wasn’t losing his mind 14 floors above their heads. He knew his mum was right. He always wanted to have a plan a, and a plan b, and plan c, but there was never a risk for that lifestyle before. Never the chance for his precisely planned life to cause such an uproar. But here he was, a weeping, snotty, mess because he planned for everything except his love leaving him.

“Let me ask you, Harry. All of the money, the designer clothes, the followers, notoriety, is it all what’s most important to you? Would you be the happiest with only that?”

His head was shaking before Anne could even finish her questions. There was no doubt in his mind that everything he has, everything his unprecedented luck has been able to provide him, meant nothing if he had no one to share it with. No one to come home to laugh about cute fan encounters with. Nothing without anyone to call up when the silence of empty hotel rooms becomes too much.  “Absolutely not.”

“Then in your heart, you know what to do.” She nodded and patted Harry’s back before getting up and disappearing through the front door.

~~~

“Alright, look munchkin. I love you, you know that. But the ass that’s supposed to be making a dent in the couch is mine. I didn’t retire for you to beat me to it.” Your dad plopped down on the couch next to you. “You have a bed upstairs for that.”

“Can’t dad. ‘ve got pictures of him up there. Don’t wanna look at them right now.” You paused, hearing your mother on the phone, for the 4thtime today, “Who she keep talking to?”

You heard him huff next to you, “Who knows. She’s always got something new to gossip about these days. This week, it’s been about Martha leaving the office to go to the company upstairs.”

You were thankful for your dad. While your mother was always the one to sit you down and talk some sense into you when something was going awry, your dad was the comedic relief you needed. He always knew how to take your mind off of the seriousness of life. Which Is exactly what you needed right now.

“I wasn’t going to say anything, ya know, because of the reason you’re here and all, but you smell kid. I don’t know how it works across the pond, but over here we have these things called showers. It’s real neat, you go in and wash you-“

“Oh my god, shut up dad. We have showers for fucks sake.” You laughed, leaning over to rest your head on his shoulder. The two of you sat in silence for a moment, the soft murmur of Netflix and your soft breathing filled the air.

“Everything’s going to work out darling. Everyone goes through a rough patch, and it was about time the two of you had yours.” He stopped for a moment, “You know, your mother and I separated for a couple of months.”

Your head shot up at that and looked wide eyed at your father. For your entire life, you idolized your parent’s relationship and wished for nothing more than to achieve what they have. You never would have imagined that they went through any sort of issues. “No you didn’t! When?”

“You were about a year old. I was working double shifts every week while she stayed home with you. She wanted to be able to be there for you every day, watch you grow, and I would have loved nothing more, but someone had to pay for all the diapers you shit in.” you both chuckled, “Me not being home was too much for her and she told me she needed time. Sound familiar?”

“How’d you get past it?”

“I had been staying with your uncle for a couple months, and then woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and told myself I was an idiot for walking away so easily. So, I went back to the house, sat her down, told her how much I loved her and that I was working so hard so that the two of you could have the best lives possible. That’s all I want – the two of you to be happy and not worry about anything.”

The tears were starting to form in your eyes, thinking about how similar your situation is to what your parents went through. Not wanting to sit and cry in front of your dad, again, you patted his knee and stood up.

“About time I go shower, yeah? Wash this stink off.” you smiled and made your way to the staircase, leading to the second floor of your childhood home.

“I love you kiddo.” Your dad called after you, making some warmth spread through your relatively cold body.

In any other situation, you would be disgusted with yourself that this was your first shower in 4 days. But showering was the last thing on your mind recently. As you stood under the searing water, you thought over everything your father had said. Everything he spoke about, you knew is how Harry felt. He told you every chance he got that he loved providing for you, loved being able to make you smile. And it didn’t take much. You got so much joy just by watching in achieve the things he dreamed of and standing behind the scenes to see just how much the love of your life has achieved. But that wasn’t what caused your departure. You had watched Harry make room in his busy life for countless people, so why couldn’t he do that for someone he loved? You thought back to your trip to Italy and hung your head. In his own way, you realized, he did.  After canceling your museum tour, he had the two of your sit in bed all night and watch a Italian historical documentary. Brought you to the private hotel pool with a bottle of wine after not being able to go to the beach and left you a note the morning of your cancelled breakfast date. You realized these were all ways he showed you he cared and wasn’t trying to put work ahead of you. And here you were, standing in your parent’s shower, ignoring all his loving messages every day, just so you could justify your leaving. Quickly shutting off the water, you grabbed a towel and made a beeline to your old room, needing to get dressed and find your phone. You had apologizing to do.

You ran down the stairs, after throwing on some old black sweats and a white t-shirt, your hair still dripping from the shower and leaving a trail of water in your path. Getting to the space you were occupying on the couch, you noticed that your phone was no longer on the charger, “Mom! Where did you move my phone?”

No response.

“Seriously mom! I need to use my phone.”

Again, not response, just the sound of glasses clinking in the kitchen.

“I can hear you in the kitchen. If you’re ignoring me because you’re on the phone with someone from the office, talking about Martha again, I swear I’m gon-“ you choked on your sentence upon entering the kitchen, where you expected to find your mother.

The two of you stared at each other like deer caught in headlights, not knowing what to do or say. A wine glass was gently set down, and the room was so silent that you could hear the silent ringing it made when making contact with the marble countertop. You could feel your breathing start to pick up when he licked his lips and whisper a soft “Hi.”

“He – wha – what are you – how did?”

“I called your mom earlier. Told her I wanted to come. See you.”

You nodded, biting the inside of your lip, not knowing how to get past the awkward tension in the air. You had never experienced this with Harry, this foggy unknown feeling. And you hated it.

“Why.”

“Why what?” lines formed on his forehead

“Why – why would you want to see me?

He continued to just stare at you, like you just asked him the meaning of life, with his mouth agape and hands on now resting on top of the counter. “Because I love you. And I’m not letting this be over. I’m not.” He shrugged, “I know you sai-“

“I’m sorry.” You exclaimed, interrupting whatever he was about to say, “I’m sorry for assuming you cared more about work. I’m sorry for blaming you for cancelling things. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry, so sorry.”

Before you knew what was happening, he had raced around the kitchen island and scooped you into his arms before your knees could buckled beneath you. Muffled gasps were coming from between your lips as Harry ran his hands over the back of your head.

“Shhh, hey none of that. It’s alright. You’re okay. I’m here.”

The two of you stayed locked in one another’s arms for what seemed like hours, making up for missing the feel of each other. Missing the way you could feel Harry’s heartbeat on your temple when hugging him. Him missing the feeling of your hands wound around his torso, toying with his back-belt loops. The two of you missing the comforting smell of the other. Slowly, once your crying subsided, Harry backed away slightly so that he could look at you.

“I think we have some stuff to talk about, yeah?” you nodded simultaneously and moved to sit down, facing each other, on the kitchen island stools. He gently picked up both your hands in his own, “Before you say anything, I need you to know I love you. I am so fucking in love with you that it makes my head spin. And when you walked out of that hotel room, I felt like I was drowning.” You moved to apologize again, but he quickly cut you off, “I don’t want to hear another apology out of you. Don’t ever apologize for your feelings. The hurt you’re feeling is yours to feel however you see fit.”

“I just, I don’t want you to think I’m asking you to choose, H. I would never. I know how much your career means to you, it means everything to me too. Watching you succeed and do what you love means the world to me.” You sniffled, trying make sure he understood that you support him in everything he does.

“But I would. I would choose. Because as much as I love the traveling and picking up new projects, and always being busy, I love you more. I love you more than all the sushi I could stomach in Japan. More than the packages Gucci sends me with new clothes. More than there are stars in the sky. So, I’mthe sorry one. I’m so sorry I ever made you doubt that, m‘love.” His eyes started to glaze over, accent getting thicker, as the threat of tears grew closer and closer.

“My career has given me more than I could ever ask for. This life I live gives me opportunities I never in a million years could have wished for. But absolutely none of it means anything if you’re not there to share it with me.” The smile that graced Harry’s face was brighter than anything you’ve ever seen on him. His dimples were prominent on his hair covered jaw, small crow’s feet loitered around the corners of his eyes, and his hands tightened in yours.

“But you should be able to do those things without worrying about me. About making sure I’m alright. You’re so young and so successful Harry! You shouldn’t have to worry about how I’m feeling 24/7. You should be able to do what you want, when you want it.  To be your own person.” You argued, knowing that this argument was slowly fleeting, as your love for the man in front of you was overpowering any doubts you had.

“I know who I am, doll. But I also know that I’m better with you. I’m better when I wake up to see your hair sprawled all over the bed. Better when I see you in that black dress that makes it hard for me to breathe. Better when you’re around. So, if I never get to see the Eiffel Tower again, or drive a new sports car, that’s okay.”  he shrugged, seeing your inner turmoil in your eyes, “Because if the only thing that I have in life is your hand in mine, then I could die a happy man.”

You took your hand out of his hold to brush away the tears that had made their way down your puffy cheeks. Guilt flooded through your veins for ever thinking that Harry loved you any less than how he described. So, you leaned forward to place a kiss to his lips, needing him to know you loved him just the same.

“I quite like the Eiffel tower.” You whispered once your lips disconnected from his, and a small chuckle left his lips,

“I know petal. I just want you to know that I don’t need a fancy destination because you’re my great escape. My sense of normalcy in this crazy life. You’re the one I want to repaint the living room while listening to Sinatra radio and dance around the fireplace with.”

You knew when starting this relationship that things would get difficult, what with being in the public eye and all the moving around. But you also knew that it was all worth it. It was worth it when you got to see Harry after walking off stage, after his morning jog, with his tongue sticking out between his lips while jotting things down in his journal. All the scrutiny was worth it when you got to slow dance in the kitchen or lounge all day with Evie. And no amount of rescheduling or cancellations would change that.

“Did you really just try to flex your Gucci deliveries to me?”

Taglist: @theasstour @emotionally-imbruised @harryspirate @swayingnoodlelove

[ryncorrect]

university!au: day6 wonpil

first of all i will definitely do poorly on this because,,, you know,,,,, he’s so precious and i don’t think my words can do it justice ksbdjshs i wanna make the sweetest scenario for him

but i suck at sweet stuffs smh bye

name: kim wonpil

major: modeling (i still cant believe this is an actual major im living under a rock smh)

other activities: member of music club, keyboardist and main singer of the university band

jae calls him “the backbone” of the music club because wonpil participates in all club events, he always takes part in weekly activities, and he actively finds new recruits

jae on the other side pops up once in a blue moon to play guitar, do shit, then disappears

don’t worry ever since jae starts dating the newest member who happens to be wonpil’s bestie he’s more active now

honestly more than half of their club members joined because wonpil made them to

he’s persuasive and convincing okay you would end up eating rocks if he told you it’s good for health

but he’ll never do that ever bc he speaks no lies okay he’s like the sweetest person in the earth

he’ll cry by the sight of cute puppies, do i have to explain further

wonpil was nominated as the club president but the other candidate park sungjin who’s also his roommate beat him by one vote

well he prefers to be just regular member anyway, that way he can still do a lot of things for the club but with less responsibilities

you see he’s really nice, he’s caring, he’s hardworking, he’s confident, he knows how to present himself and he’s hella attractive

he’s taking modeling as his major do i make myself clear

everyone LOVES wonpil

and i mean sometimes it’s just not only a platonic love but like an “i will give you my heart and soul please marry me” love

too bad he’s oblivious af

someone: i,, i like you wonpil,,,, d-do you like me too?

wonpil: of course!!! you’re my friend!!!!!!!!!

someone: ….oh ok

accidental friendzone

but you know he doesnt actually mean to do that, he just doesn’t think anyone likes him like that

moreover he already has someone in mind

aka the coffee shop girl

aka Y O U

yeah hello guys i am: still lame

the first time he met you was on exams week

everyone was busy and stressed af and running on almost no sleep

except maybe wonpil

not because he was fully prepared but more like he forgot exams week was coming until the day before so he just decided to wing it lol whatevs

anyway his roommate aka sungjin asked him if he could go buy him a double shot espresso so wonpil did

he rarely visits coffee shops tbh and when he does he always orders vanilla latte with extra syrup for himself

wonpil seems to be that kinda person who tries to enjoy coffee but can’t handle the bitter taste its so frickin cute and trust me you think so too

so anywayyyy yeah he never saw you, aka the new barista, before

it was ur first work day as well btw and he was ur first customer

he didn’t know why but watching you being nervous made him nervous too

just imagine a stuttering costumer and a stuttering barista

everyone watched you two with anxiety

but even when wonpil was a nervous wreck he didn’t forget to smile and before leaving he said to you, “thanks, have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!”

honest to god it made your whole day better

anyway let’s move on to the second meeting

he comes back and this time he orders a vanilla latte, but being the clumsy ass that you are, you slightly confused his order

he receives his coffee and takes a sip and he freezes

you ask whats wrong and he’s like,, uh nothing,, the coffee is just,,,, kinda bitter today??? ha,,,hahahhaha,,,,

you stand still

wait

he asked for EXTRA SYRUP not EXTRA SHOT you dumbfucc

you offer to make him a new one and he refuses saying it’s fine!!! but you still feel bad so you insist but he’s like no!!! i gotta stay awake anyway i have an important quiz today i have to study! by the way uhhhh i’ve never seen you around until recently???

you introduce yourself and he introduce himself blablabla it’s awkward and your palms keep sweating for some reason

before wonpil left, he didn’t forget to say “have a great day!! i’ll see you around then!!!”

he’s so sweet uwu

seeing him and making him his vanilla latte (extra syrup) is one of the best parts of your job tbh

and he visits every single time you’re working which makes it better

why is his smile so adorable what the fuck

and there’s something about the way he walks that keeps you looking i mean boiiiii does he know how to present himself holy shit

that feeling when you see someone so beautiful you want to cry

the more you see him the more you want to know about him

what major is he in? what is he usually do outside the class? what kind of person is he? does he have a lot of friends? what’s his hobby? stuffs like that

too bad he always comes when it’s busy at the cafe so you can’t talk too much

neither he ever tries to initiate a conversation with you except his usual “hello! how are you today?” and “thank you, you make the best coffee! have a nice day!! see you!!!”

let’s admit it you highkey have a crush on him and EVERYONE knows

wELL it’s because you always wear that expression like "goddammit why must kim wonpil be so cute if he ain’t gonna ask me on a date” whenever you watch his back as he leaves the cafe

and EVERYONE but YOU knows wonpil’s so into you

whenever someone says something like “just ask him for his number he’ll definitely give it to you” you’re like “wtf nO that’s creepy and he won’t!! he doesn’t even know me!!!”

“he literally only comes when it’s your shift and he always makes sure you’re the one taking his order you oblivious dumbass”

“it’s just a coincidence”

“…..yeah whatever”

but they’re right wonpil’s crushing on you hard

at this point sungjin can even draw a portrait of you although he hasn’t actually met you before

that’s how much wonpil talks about you

from your whole adorable appearance to how cute your little cough is, or how he adores your little smile and the sparks in your eyes when he compliments your coffee, or he’ll describe your apron what the fuck and how he thinks your look so good in white and blue

sungjin’s so done with him

“just ask her out you stalker”

“nO I CAN’T!!! SHE’LL THINK IM CREEPY!!! SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ME”

“well i bet she remembers your face by now since you always drop by when she’s there”

“but she meets a lot of people everyday there’s NO WAY she can remember me”

you see the problem now?

then one day jae decides to play matchmaker

by “playing matchmaker” i mean he follows wonpil to the cafe and straight up tells you, in front of wonpil’s face and everyone there, “yo this friend of mine wants to take you on a date and he wonders if you’re interested”

you are: blushing

wonpil is: dead pale

you: o-oh… i’m–

wonpil: yO HE’S JUST JOKING HAHAHAHA IM SO SORRY oH My gOd jAE LET’S GO

he drags his tall friend aka jae out of the cafe and since then he never visits again :(

im sad now ugh i told you i suck at sweet stuffs like this

fast forward it’s summer and the university wonpil’s attending is holding a summer festival that’s open for public

well,,,,, you decide to go and you ask some of your friends to tag along

you’re not sure what you’re hoping; maybe you just want to see how the place wonpil’s studying at looks like, or maybe you do wish to meet him by accident or something yanno like a drama

whatever

you promised yourself that if you don’t see him today, you’ll get over him

but if you do see him, you will ask. him. out.

well jokes on you babe he’s there performing on the stage with the band

he’s,,, he’s singing,,, and playing keyboard,,,, omg his voice

as you already know im uncreative soooo by impossible coincidence somehow his eyes spot you in the crowd

btw i imagine them singing Pouring but i think you can pick any songs you like

he’s so taken aback that one second he’s singing and the next second he sees you and his eyes widen and he’s like “I’m falling for–hUH? why are you here??” to the microphone

don’t worry the others cover for his mistake while trying not to laugh

everyone laughs too while looking around to find the person whom wonpil sees

you’re embarrassed as fuck you want to curl up and hide forever

but your so-called-friends don’t let you get away that easy okay it’s your only chance

dw dude wonpil feels the same he wants to immediately get off the stage and die

but sungjin will literally kill wonpil in his sleep if he doesn’t do anything it’s now or never

poor boi has had enough of this pining shit

so after the band performance wonpil has no choice but to approach you

“h-hey! so you watched our stage!”

“y-yeah! it was great!! didn’t know you can sing so well”

“h-haha thanks”

“y-you’re welcome”

silence

more silence

wonpil clears his throat and, “so…”

you blink fast, “yeah…?”

“um uhhh do you wanna see around? i can take you”

“oH of course”

What Am I Even Writing Anymore

well remember your promise earlier? about asking him out?? no???

is it too late to chicken out and forget the whole thing now

you barely know each other it’s so awkward and he looks so fine today and you really don’t wanna push him even further now but if you hesitate longer who knows someone else will ask him first and just the thought alone breaks your heart a little bit

so it’s time to grow a pair and take risks cmon dude you can do this

one

two

“anywaysijustwonderifyou'refreenextsaturday?”

wait

it was!! not!!! your voice!!!!

“huh?”

wonpil clears his throat and repeats slower, “i just wonder if you’re uhhhh free next saturday?”

o shit

o fUck YeAH

you cough a bit before answering, “y-y-yeah i guess??”

“ok um i like, have two tickets for movie if you want to come with me”

that’s like the lamest invitation and you yourself gotta admit that lmao

but oh kim wonpil,, dear,,,, there’s no way i would say no

so you two go on a date

or “casual outing” as you two call it

but everyone knows it’s a date okay even though you two didn’t have any skinskip oops

it’s okay it takes a bit of time but you’ll get there

i mean, since then you two go out together almost every weekend so ye it won’t be that long until the awkwardness wears off

wonpil just cherish you so much he’s afraid he’ll scare you or hurt your feeling by accident so he never boldly initiates anything

the first time you two finally holding hands is when you two go skating, and that’s just because you two are so bad at that

gotta hold each other so you won’t keep falling aye romance

you don’t know this but trust me wonpil talks about it for days sungjin almost decides to move out

he’s still insisting it’s not a date tho

“you know what, i can already imagine you two in like 10 years, standing at the altar and be like, do you marry me as a friend or what? unclear”

“do you think we’ll get married?????”

“oh dear god”

but yeah

you two will get there

somehow

just take your sweet time and give wonpil all the love in the world i beg you

that’s it YAY i think imma work on sungjin’s next wish me luck im running out of lame cliche ideas now lol bye

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 6

DC did it first. Take your grievances to them.

Jason and Sheila e-mail back and forth for about a week before she says that she has Thursday off so if he has Thursday off does he want to meet for lunch again?

Last time wasn’t bad. Not a lot of staring or people or anything. He can…he can probably do it again. And it’s a few days away still, so he has time to psyche himself up or, worst case scenario, fake his death and move to Canada.

And it’s been a week and she hasn’t pulled out the Pity Card on him yet and maybe…maybe this’ll all work out okay. She might never be Mom, because Catherine’s always gonna be Mom, but…but she could be Mother, maybe. He can see that in the distant (or not-so-distant?) future.

But he’s not going to rush into things, that’s what got him here in the first place. Patience, grasshopper.

Thursday rolls around and he hasn’t faked his death and moved to Canada, so he has no choice but to put on jeans and a hoodie and resign himself to a couple of hours, easy, of no sunglasses and no e-book shield.

Sorry, any small children who might come out of this traumatized.

Okay. He brings his Kindle anyway, and his sunglasses for the journey, and sticks to his normal Civilian Weaponry-couple’a knives, one pair of brass knuckles tucked into a hidden pocket in his hoodie. Last thing he needs is for someone to pick up a bullet, match it to the Red Hood’s, and come knocking on his door. His luck is bad enough that’s exactly what would happen.

Besides, it’s noon on a Thursday, and even in Gotham that’s a slow hour. Bank robbers gotta eat, too.

The monorail ride there is literal Hell (three fighting couples, two crying kids and old man with no personal spaaaaace!) and he’s literally gasping for air when he stumbles out of the car. He likes people. Honest. If he legitimately hated them all, he wouldn’t risk his life to help them. But interacting with them…he could do without that, mostly.

Whatever. Whatever. It’s over, he lived, he’s had worse.

(And no, he doesn’t hear faint cackling in his head, and that’s final.)

It’s windy today, the type of wind that buffets people every which way and is determined to keep his hood off his head. He fidgets with the drawstrings until it’ll stay and buries his hands in his pockets. Wind sucks. He can feel pollen and dust and Gotham Grime being blown onto his skin.

“Jason!”

Is he there already?

Sheila…looks a lot more haggard than she did before. He tries to remember if she’d mentioned being horribly busy, doesn’t think she did, and figures that to be fair, he hasn’t mentioned the bruise that goes halfway up his back.

She smiles, her awkward driver’s license smile, and waves. Yeah, she doesn’t…it must’ve been a long week, or maybe a rough drive or something. She looks tired.

“Hi.” He’s not sure what to call her, still. Miss Haywood is too disconnected, Sheila’s too personal, and it’s way, way too soon for Mother. Names are a pain. “I’m not late, am I?” He knows he’s not. “Monorail was packed.”

“So was the subway. Can I…?”

Her arms are half-out and he figures she’s asking for a hug. He can do a hug, as long as it’s a short hug.

“Yeah. Thanks for the warning.”

Holy crap, she feels frail. But to be fair, barring Dick’s tackle-hug, everyone’s felt frail since…since. So it could just be him. Hugs are weird now.

(“HUG YOUR DADDY!”)

No. Not today. Everything’s fine.

It’s a sort-of short hug, short enough, anyway, and he wonders, abstractedly, if a day will ever come that he’s used to that sort of thing again. If it even matters whether he does or doesn’t.

It does. Of course it does. And the day will come, in time, and he’ll be better, be normal, be what people want him to be.

Little steps.

* * *

They’ve fallen into a companionable silence and for once Jason’s not jumping whenever someone walks by in a purple sweater or anything when Sheila forces her lips out from between her teeth and says, “I know you were Robin.”

Well. That’s, uh, there’s that out of the way.

“Yeah.” There’s clearly no point in denying it. She probably put it together when Batman came knocking. “For a little while, yeah. I was.” He tastes blood, wonders how long he’s been doing that, and wishes he had gum. Or a mint. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right off, I just…old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Oh God, no, no, I didn’t mean-” She takes a drink. Her hands are shaking, she’s shaking and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “I just. I thought I should probably make it clear that I did know, so you wouldn’t…I know I was absent, but I don’t want…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me.”

Oh. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say. Bruce, God knows, has the emotional capabilities of a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Thankfully Jason hadn’t been the type to go through crushes every two weeks, or he probably would have been in Hell. He certainly wouldn’t have…it’s not like he would have shut down the conversation, but sharing and caring? That would have been awkward and best not repeated. Alfred was the go-to for that sorta thing.

All right, then. Since they’re dropping sudden bombshells ‘n all…he has to know.

“You worked for Joker.” There. It’s out. He said it.

And now he kinda regrets it-the self-loathing on her face is a pretty good match for his own, and he can’t tell himself it’s anything less than deep, deep wishing to have made better choices.

“I did.” She straightens up, begins tearing apart a piece of bread on her plate. “Briefly. I’m not proud, but he had a line to my mother, knew where she lived, knew her schedule…knew.” She swallows hard. “Knew she had to rubber-band her jam jars because she couldn’t open them otherwise. I panicked. But it was only for a couple of months-pills, he wanted pills, as much as I could get him. And then he just…went away. I don’t know what he did with them.”

Honestly, after everything, he can’t…he doesn’t have the right to say much. And honestly? There was that one guy, who accidentally cut the fucker off in traffic and couldn’t get away from him.

And look at him. The first man he killed, that wasn’t…oh, sure, he probably had it coming, at least a little, but Jason wasn’t thinking about that or considering it like he does now, he just…he wanted to kill Bruce. Because that was right and reason at the time even though he knows it’s insanity now.

No, he can’t say much.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, and it’s suddenly easier to look at his hands. “I didn’t…that sounds awful.”

“No.” She tips his chin up and it’s an effort not to pull away and to remember that it’s fingers, warm human fingers, and not the pointy end of a crowbar against his skin. “You deserved to know. It’s only fair.”

Truth be told, it’s a relief to know that she hadn’t…yeah, technically she could’ve…maybe done something different, but she hadn’t wanted to work for him. She wasn’t like the ones he’d christened Dumb and Dumber that…they enjoyed that kinda work.

Lunch is finished in relative silence after that, though, and he’s wondering what’s going to happen now when she rifles through her purse and swears.

“Damn…I meant to grab an old photo album I wanted to show you, with some old family pictures and things.”

Pictures of Willis? Yeah, he’s good. Pictures of other people might be interesting, though.

“Next time?”

“My apartment’s a few blocks over.”

Something feels off. He’s paranoid, he knows he’s paranoid, but something…she’s been shaky and weird all afternoon and he doesn’t…

Calm the fuck down, you freak out when someone window-shops for too long!

“Is everything…is everything okay?”

Or maybe something is wrong-she pulls a napkin over and there’s suddenly a pen in her hand.

“I really do want you to see these pictures, Jason,” she says, but her hand is moving and there’s the ever-so-faint skrit-skrit of pen on paper. “I swear you got my mother’s eyes.”

The napkin slides over to him and he glances down. Her handwriting’s spikey and awful-doctor writing to the bone-but his is no better and he can read it well enough.

An old colleague has been hanging around the hospital lately.

Oh.

That explains a bit.

“Sure.”

Her shoulders drop and she crumples the napkin, nails picking it into shreds.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” she says softly, nearly too soft for him to hear, and he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad you…if there’s anything I can do to…”

Shit, she looks like she’s going to start crying and that is indeed PANIC in his throat. Tears are not good.

“You’re a good boy.” Her voice is watery but there are no tears to be seen. Thank Jesus. “I promise next time we have lunch it’ll be normal.”

Oh, good, things haven’t plummeted down to fiery Hell because of all the revelations flying around.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” he says, and whoops that’s his ‘all will be well, citizen, never fear!’ voice. But it must work, because the about-to-cry look disappears. “Um. Do you wanna…it looks like it’s gonna rain, should we get going?”

And so they do.

* * *

The wind has picked up and it smells like rain. He’s not looking forward to patrol later.

The wind’s not so bad, though, to stop Sheila from lighting up with a self-depreciating, “I know I’m a doctor and should know better, but I honestly don’t care.”

“I can’t really say anything.” He holds up his own pack and rattles it before pulling one out. It’s not as calming as it usually is and he doesn’t know why.

Eh. It’s been a long day, that’s all. He’s not used to interacting with people on a personal level anymore, which is his own fault and probably not necessarily a good thing.

The first few drops have started to fall when they arrive at her building-big, square, and simplistic. She fishes out her keys while they’re in the elevator (which smells like new car, for some reason).

The hallway is deserted. It’s a little creepy, to be honest-his own building might be crap, but there’s always activity. And then, of course, there was Arkham’s hallways, or what he could hear of them. Noisy. Always noisy. But this? Wayne Manor was silent like this. It unsettled him then and it unsettles him now. Call him a city boy, whatever, but he needs noise.

The brass knuckles and knives in his jacket are warm and comforting and he knows he’s not gonna need ‘em, but they make up for this creepy-ass silence.

Sheila opens the door and motions him inside. It’s dark inside-blackout curtains, probably-but he can hear the rain. It smells like new car in here, too, and he wonders, off-handedly, why-

-it’s not empty. He’s walked into one too many ‘empty’ buildings to be very, very attuned to the sound of somebody breathing. Okay. Be calm, back out and shut the door.

He’s about to do exactly that when the light switch clicks and bathes the whole place in stark white. White walls, white floors, white furniture.

Which only makes Harley Quinn stick out like a sore thumb in all that red and black.

“BAY-BEE!” She could never hope to match Joker’s grin, but she gives it a good go, stretching her makeup. Okay. Change of plans. Get Sheila out of here (and preferably out of the building), deal with Quinn. “It’s been a whiiiiile!”

He takes in the mallet leaning against the couch and the shotgun (are those fuzzy dice? Really?) in her hands and comes to the conclusion that great, she’s riding the crazy train.

But maybe she hasn’t seen Sheila yet. Where’s that goddamn light switch?

He moves, only a little, only to feel the unmistakable press of a gun against his lower back.

“Don’t. Move.”

And the world drops out from under him.

No. No, no, no, she said she quit, it was over, she said they’d let her go, she said-

The door shuts. He twists so he can still see Quinn in his peripheral. Sheila’s face is a blank mask-no tears, no joy, no nothing. Just quiet determination and he doesn’t understand, she said…

“Mom?” The word feels thick and wrong in his mouth, but maybe…maybe she’s brainwashed or hypnotized or something, maybe she doesn’t…isn’t…

“Sorry, kid.” The words are harsh but her tone isn’t. Quinn giggles in the background but she sounds so far away and Sheila’s still pressing a gun against him. “It was you or me, and, well…it had to be you.”

What?

“Aww, come to mama, baby!” Quinn giggles again before straightening up and scowling. “Now.”

His feet drag him forward, sneakers scuffing against the white carpet an’ Heaven’s s’posed ta be white, innit, so why does this feel like Hell and what’s going on she said she said-

For once horrible, desperate second, he wants Bruce. Bruce wouldn’t…yeah, he’d thought, at first, that he’d left him but he knows that he didn’t, he really didn’t, he just…

Bruce wouldn’t have pulled a gun on him, he wouldn’t and God, if he’d just fucking talked to him-

“I did what you wanted, Quinn.” Sheila’s voice is so, so flat and is this all she wanted from the beginning? Is it? “Now call your man.”

Quinn doesn’t even look at her. She’s looking at Jason like she always did-like she’s torn between wanting to rip his head off and wanting to wrap him in a blanket and keep him.

This is his own goddamn fault, he just thought…just once, just once-

“Quinn!” Desperation now, and the gun wobbles against his hoodie as she steps out from behind him. “I did what you said! Call your man!”

Okay. Okay.

He forces himself to take a few deep breaths that taste like that last cigarette outside and says, voice as steady as he can make it, “Let her go, Harley. Leave her alone, I’ll. I’ll do what you want, just. Just let her go.”

“Aww, look at you!” Her pigtails sway and he finds himself oddly hypnotized by the movement. “I knew ya had to be Robin for a reason.”

Yeah. Yeah, he was Robin and that’s all he’ll ever be, the one that fucked up.

“Please, Harley.”

“Nyeh…” She adjusts her grip on the gun, finger dancing near the trigger, and looks down at her knuckles. “Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, catch a Batman by the toe. If he hollers, let ‘im go, eeny…meanie…miny…moe!”

He sees it before she does it, but there’s no time-he’s moved maybe half a centimeter before the gun goes off-

-and Sheila.

Falls.

His ears are ringing. They’re ringing and everything’s so white except her, all blonde and blue and so fucking red because Harley didn’t miss and if he’d been quicker, he should have been-

“Aww, don’t be sad!” Harley’s not alone, of course she’s not. He should have known from the start stupidstupidstupid. “Doncha know what happens to people who know too much?”

Her eyes are open. They’re open and they’re looking at him like this is his fault and it is if he hadn’t…

S’like Joker said, once.

“Good boys know how to lay down and DIE.”

“Mistah J had a spot for ya, baby.” Huh? “But you up an’ left us before it was time! So since it’s his birthday-” The fucker has no birthday he just appeared one day too evil for Hell. “-I thought I’d get my puddin’ somethin’-” She winks. “Real nice.”

And they’re on him.

Harley’s goons are dumb, but they’re also big and they manage to drag him down for a minute before he gets a knife out of his sleeve and drives it into the nearest jaw.

“Andre!” Yeah, Andre ain’t comin’ back from that any time soon. “I thought we taught you manners!”

He reclaims his knife and scrambles back up and okay okay maybe he can get outta this-

WHAM!

Lights out.

[midoridragonuus]

< previous | compendium | next >

- x -

from: schwartzellie@schwartzind.co to: gabe69@schwartzind.co cc: maeharamahouji subject: hey

hey gabe can you log into siims? thanks

- Secretary and Head of Divisions, Ellie Schwartz

- x -

from: gabe69@schwartzind.co to: schwartzellie@schwartzind.co cc: subject: RE: hey

hey elliepop! u ok??? this doesnt sound like one of ur usual mails dont think ive ever seen u write wo grammar n punctuation also y cc that guy

- gabe bar owner. business guy. stud.

- x -

from: gabe69@schwartzind.co to: schwartzellie@schwartzind.co cc: subject: FWD: RE: hey

ellie? gurl whats ^ reply soon i miss u

- gabe bar owner. business guy. stud.

- x -

from: gabe69@schwartzind.co to: schwartzellie@schwartzind.co cc: subject: FWD: FWD: RE: hey

ok ok ill be right on dont b mad at me ily

- gabe bar owner. business guy. stud.

- x -

gabe69 has signed into the Schwartz Ind. Internal Messaging System (SIIMS)

gabe69: hello??? anyone here?? woo hoo????

schwartzellie has signed into the Schwartz Ind. Internal Messaging System (SIIMS)

gabe69: ellie! hey honeybuns. ive missed u whats ^

gabe69: ellie?

maeharamahouji has signed into the Schwartz Ind. Internal Messaging System (SIIMS)

gabe69: whats going on here

maeharamahouji has uploaded a file: sserver470.exe

maeharamahouji: hey gabe. can you test this for me? thanks. send me a report when you're done.

gabe69: what

maeharamahouji has signed out of the Schwartz Ind. Internal Messaging System (SIIMS)

gabe69: whats going on

gabe69: ellie cmon what the hell

schwartzellie: Click the file, stupid.

schwartzellie has signed out of the Schwartz Ind. Internal Messaging System (SIIMS)

gabe69: fuck

gabe69 has signed out of the Schwartz Ind. Internal Messaging System (SIIMS)

- x -

> initializing sserver470.exe > protocol and logs will be erased upon exit > "hope it helps. - m."

gabe69 has signed into SSERVER470

gabe69: what is this place?

schwartzellie: Oh thank the Gods.

gabe69: elliepop? what the entire fuck is going on?????

schwartzellie: Look. I couldn't talk to you sooner. I wanted to. I really did. I couldn't... I was afraid to contact you.

gabe69: what? y? whats wrong with me? hon if u didnt want a follow up

schwartzellie: It's not you. It's who's listening. I'm pretty sure my office is bugged. My phone is too. I've had to be really careful with what I say in case it's distorted. I don't know how to explain it better than that.

gabe69: ellie i dont get what ur saying can u start at the top?

schwartzellie: Okay. Okay. Do you remember a few weeks ago when Carlos interrupted our dinner and told me it was an emergency?

gabe69: vaguely. i remember his smug ass ruining a nite w ur beautiful face ♥♥♥

schwartzellie: Right so, I went with him. He was silent through the whole walk to the archives.

gabe69: the archives?

schwartzellie: Yeah. Where we keep files on literally everyone and everything. You know. Contracts. Secret info? Well, we got stopped by security, so I know there's at least one witness out there that knows we entered the archives; that the whole thing really took place.

gabe69: what do u mean "took place" ???

schwartzellie: Shut up and let me type!

gabe69: k

schwartzellie: So we entered, and we walked into the middle of the room. I'm not sure if it was the exact middle or anything, but that's what it felt like neck deep in the rows of file cabinets and servers. Anyway, the archives are heavily guarded. I'm pretty shocked he had clearance but in hindsight, but also? Not really. I told you his files were a fucking mess and his permissions were probably redacted as well.

gabe69: uh huh

schwartzellie: There's cameras all over. Lasers. Devil's traps. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if any flat surface read DNA or heat signatures or something. Schwartz is really out-there about security. I mean, there's less than a handful of people who can get into the archives, and they're 99% accompanied by Schwartz herself.

gabe69: sounds high key

schwartzellie: It is. As far as I know, the only people with permissions to enter the archives are Schwartz, Irkalla, myself, and now... Carlos. It's under such heavy security that two people on shift have to watch it. One physically, and the other in a special cam room somewhere on site. Like... it's really guarded.

gabe69: and u 2 just waltzed in there huh?

schwartzellie: Yeah. And when we got to the middle, he just stood there and wouldn't look me in the eyes. He literally titled his head back and locked eyes with one of the, what I assume was, a camera. Stared into it the whole time we talked.

gabe69: what a fuckin weirdo. whatd he tell u babe?

schwartzellie: I don't.... I don't really remember. I was so weirded out by the whole experience... I remember getting goosebumps. My stomach hurt. I was feeling pretty nauseous and

gabe69: ok but it wasnt my food so

schwartzellie: Oh my Gods, I didn't say it was!

gabe69: just makin sure ;)

schwartzellie: Ugh. But...

gabe69: but?

schwartzellie: I remember staring at him really intense-like. Squinting and trying to figure out what his motive was. What he was saying. Like, his mouth was moving and words were coming out, but my brain couldn't figure out what they were! I even tried to remember later on, but none of the sounds or words I made felt right. I don't even remember leaving, or how I got back to my room... I slept with a diary that night in case I remembered anything in my sleep, but my dreams were blank. When I went to the security office, there was no record of us visiting the archives. And the guy on duty who stopped us outside the door? Gone. Vanished. I asked around and no one knew of anyone who matched that description ever working at SI. No one knew who I was talking about, and by then, his face was too blurry in my memory to ask again. After a few days of frustration, I asked Jade to help me. He reads lips, you know. So I tried to make the same movements I remembered Carlos making with his mouth, but Jade had no idea what I was trying to say. He said it was just gibberish.

gabe69: ellie this is fucking weird

schwartzellie: I know.

gabe69: so what ur telling me is that that dick took u 2 a place w heavy security did some mumbo jumbo magic shit that u cant remember and now ur phones being bugged and a guys missing???

schwartzellie: No, there's more to it than that. I think...

gabe69: ???

schwartzellie: So I tried to do some more digging about him, in hopes that it might.... I don't know... tell me something? Anything? But then more people disappeared.

gabe69: what do u mean? who disappeared?

schwartzellie: I... don't know.

gabe69: then how do u kno theyre gone??

schwartzellie: I have a list of employees on my desk for the monthly newsletter that have left the company. We publish goodbyes every month, but I don't remember any of them on this month's letter ever working here.

gabe69: well SI is a big company! surely a few slip by ur ever watchful eyes. u cant do everything doll

schwartzellie: No, but I sign every employment contract as Schwartz' witness. Even when they're mostly redacted. I've seen every person who enters this company, including business partners in different districts, contracted/affiliated help, and even have the names for people who work FOR our associates. But I don't know any of these names or faces.

gabe69: and ur sure they worked for SI

schwartzellie: The list is from Schwartz. I'm sure of that. But even she's been... off? There's something going on with her too. She won't reply to any non-related business mail.

gabe69: and ur surprised by that of all things?? ms unfeeling not talking about feelings?

schwartzellie: Well, no, but you don't know her, Gabe. It's like she's shutting down.

gabe69: uh huh

schwartzellie: With SI off the table, I told Wendy I had to look up something in Crowley's office, so I shadowed her to work. I wanted to check if maybe the city had those names on file, somewhere. They didn't.

gabe69: and?

schwartzellie: What they did have, though, was a blank space where those names SHOULD be. I don't think the person who was supposed to clean up got rid of the dividers.

gabe69: elliepop this is nuts like wacky pistachi kiddo! people fuck up on putting dividers in. it happens. i sometimes order double my stock on accident

schwartzellie: Okay, one? Wasteful. Two? I know I sound paranoid, okay? I know it. But something's going on. There's more, okay?

gabe69: more?

schwartzellie: Yeah.... After I left Crowley's office, Wendy stopped me on my way out. She asked if I found what I needed, and I told her I did. As she turned around to go back to work, I saw something around the corner. At first I thought it was a shadow. Maybe my eyes playing tricks on me. Shit happens, right? But I know someone was watching me.

gabe69: ellie

schwartzellie: No, listen! So I.... I didn't go straight home. I decided to take the bus, rather than get a cab, just in case. Better safe than sorry, right? And as I was waiting at the bus stop, I felt eyes on the back of my head.

gabe69: ellie....

schwartzellie: Gabe will you shut the fuck up? I know I sound crazy, but just let me finish. Please. You owe me this.

gabe69: ok elliecakes. im sorry :((

schwartzellie: I felt really antsy, rocking back and forth. I knew someone was watching me. I just knew it, okay? So I get on the next bus, not knowing where it was going. If someone was really following me, they probably wouldn't go somewhere random, right? Risk being seen by a lot of people? Turns out the next stop wasn't too far from Karen's, so I got off there. I went in, grabbed a latte, and sat down until my nerves returned to normal. I thought I was also being pretty ridiculous and letting weird events turn me into some sort of conspiracy theorist. Half way through my drink, I looked up and... there was nothing wrong. I didn't feel anyone looking. There were just some random people in there eating breakfast and drinking coffee. I was so relieved. Honestly, I felt so stupid.

gabe69: :( i love ur smarts

schwartzellie: So I paid my bill, and waited for the next bus. I rode back to SI, got off, and felt like a huge idiot for being so nervous. I was home! No reason to feel afraid when we have the best security in the District. I waved to Kat and sat in the lobby for a minute with weak knees. Like, I was just really relieved it was all in my head.

gabe69: that sounds good

schwartzellie: Until

gabe69: o

schwartzellie: I checked my phone for any alerts I might have missed while snooping, or trying to chill in Karen's. A few e-mails, a few texts, and then one weird notif from an iSpy app? But... I never installed anything like that. I checked my apps, but there wasn't one installed on the phone or the SD card. I started to get really freaked again. I mean, iSpy? Of all the alerts that could be the result of some virus or something... So I took the next elevator to the Tech Division. Mahouji was on shift, so I gave him my phone to look at.

gabe69: let me guess he found something

schwartzellie: He sure fucking did. He ran a scan while I was standing right there. The first one didn't pick up anything, but I insisted that there was something on it that I didn't put in there. After another unsuccessful scan, he ran his own with his.... I don't know. Whatever it is he works with. Personal code or program or something? I don't know. But he looked really disturbed. He fiddled with it, then downloaded an iSpy game from the app store.

gabe69: what

schwartzellie: Yeah, I was really confused too. He explained to me that it was probably just an advertisement for a new game that was mass spammed from a link I might have clicked and that, with the actual app in, he was able to turn off the notifications. But that's what he said, not what he showed me.

gabe69: what i dont get it

schwartzellie: While he was telling me all this and pointing my phone at me with his left hand, he pulled some paper and a pencil out of his own desk and wrote on it with his right hand. "Ellie, there's a nasty program on here. I don't know what it is, but I know it's not something anyone should tamper with. I don't even want to try to debug it. It has access to everything, including your cam and mic. Getting rid of the phone will only make whoever's watching suspicious. I recommend playing dumb while I investigate."

gabe69: holy shit

schwartzellie: I... I thanked him and left. I thought that it might just be a huge prank on me, but I don't think he's that kind of guy. I mean, we're not close friends or anything, but of all the people in this company? I think I can trust him.

gabe69: u sure u dont trust him just bc he validates w/e ur thinking is going on

schwartzellie: So you don't believe me?

gabe69: no elliecakes its not that. u kno im always on ur side. i just gotta play devils advocate yea???

schwartzellie: Yeah. Yeah. So.... Like.... I took the phone with me. I tried to keep it pointed away from me unless I had a message. I've been really jumpy and trying not to give too much info away in my emails or texts. I've tried changing my writing to kinda make it seem like it might not be me in case I disappear so people can figure out the dates things went wrong.

gabe69: ellie wtf nothings gonna happen 2 u. not when im around. i promise. u kno that.

schwartzellie: No, but-

gabe69: that y u emailed me the way u did earlier??

schwartzellie: Yeah, I wanted to leave a trail, okay? So anyone else who looked into it could tell something was up and I wasn't just making things up. And I thought that things were finally going back to normal, you know? I wanted things to be less weird, and they were, until earlier today.

gabe69: what happened??

schwartzellie: I was coming back to my office. I was thinking about finally getting back to my social life.

gabe69: so me

schwartzellie: Sure.

gabe69: :( cmon u love me

schwartzellie: Sure.

gabe69: ;*

schwartzellie: And on the way, I saw a guy standing in front of one of the windows in the hall. I didn't recognize him, so I asked him who he was. He didn't answer. I asked again, and still nothing. So I approached him from the side.

gabe69: ellie!

schwartzellie: I know it wasn't the smartest thing. Approaching some rando? But he was weird. Out of place weird. Because I know all of the employees. I know who has access to my floor. And this guy! Was just standing there! Looking out the window! I sent a text to security as a precaution, and then went to tap him on the shoulder. Then I blinked, and the window was broken. Alarms were going off. There was a woman screaming from below. The wind blew my hair out of place! I remember the tears coming down my face at the shock because what the fuck just happened?

gabe69: wtf i dont remember any alarm

schwartzellie: My legs gave out, and after a few seconds, I crawled to the window to look out. I was expecting to see the guy on the pavement below, you know? All bloody and broken and... yeah... But the window was fine.

gabe69: what

schwartzellie: The window! Was fine! It wasn't broken. There was no one below but regular day traffic! I was still on the floor, still with tears, but nothing happened? I checked my phone for the text I sent and it was in my drafts folder, saying "Message failed to send. Try again." I called the security office to ask for video of the hall, and got sent a video where I just walk by the window like nothing happened. Then I come back, sit down, and cry.

gabe69: ellie

schwartzellie: Gabe, please. Please just... I'm almost done.

gabe69: ok

schwartzellie: I called Mahouji and asked him to come pick me up from the hallway. He thought it was weird, because one? He was asleep. Two? We're not friends. Not really. And three? He's def. not security. So he was concerned.

gabe69: yea so am i y didnt u call me babe??

schwartzellie: Because when he got there, I showed him the video and told him that I must have not been paying attention because I was playing my iSpy app. He's smart enough to figure out the hidden meaning there. He asked if I needed to go to see a doctor in case I hurt anything falling down, but I told him that no, I'd be alright, but I did want to see you. Privately.

gabe69: oh hon hon hon baguette

schwartzellie: Can you be serious for one fucking second? Like, this is my life, Gabe!

gabe69: sorry go on

schwartzellie: Again, being the smart man he is,

gabe69: >:|

schwartzellie: he figured out what I meant. Told me that maybe it wouldn't be smart to go see someone if I was dizzy from the fall, and that I should message you instead using his computer.

gabe69: that y i had 2 click that weird file?

schwartzellie: Yeah. It's something he made to delete all records after we're done talking. It's safer that way. Because Gabe? I'm scared.

gabe69: ellie....

schwartzellie: I'm really scared. I don't know what to do now. Mahouji told me to try and back off. To forget the whole thing.

gabe69: suspicious

schwartzellie: No, I think he's really just concerned. He doesn't seem weird? Not like that hallway guy. Not like Carlos. I think he's worried. I think he knows there's something going on but I don't think he knows how weird it is. How twisted it is? There's something going on, Gabe, and it's so big. People are disappearing. Things are happening and not happening at the same time. Schwartz is off. I'm going crazy. There's something going on and someone who's not this deep in needs to know before I don't know anymore. Does that make sense?

gabe69: ellie where r u? u still in the tech div?

schwartzellie has signed out of SSERVER470

gabe69: fuck

gabe69 has signed out of SSERVER470

>initializing shut down of sserver470.exe >initializing self-deletion sequence >del470.exe in progress, authorization m confirm >ERROR >ERROR >ERROR >ERROR >ERROR >ERROR

- x -

from: gabe69@schwartzind.co to: schwartzellie@schwartzind.co cc: subject: HEY

um where are u elliepop? wanna get a coffee? nite cap? ;))

- gabe bar owner. business guy. stud.

- x -

from: schwartzellie@schwartzind.co to: gabe69@schwartzind.co cc: subject: RE: HEY

Downstairs at the cafeteria. Why? Wanna join? lol

- Secretary and Head of Divisions, Ellie Schwartz

- x -

from: schwartzellie@schwartzind.co to: gabe69@schwartzind.co cc: subject: RE: HEY

error

- Secretary and Head of Divisions, Ellie Schwartz

- x -

[robonomics]

Altria’s Investment in Juul: Buy, Hold, or Sell?

Altria’s stock has recently fallen on some pretty bad times. The last time I wrote about the company a few years ago, I endorsed it as a great long term buy. Since then, the stock has fallen about $15, or $9 if you account for unreinvested dividends. One would think the stock would be higher over this period along with the rest of the stock market, but events over this period changed the company’s strategy. Its most concerning risk- government regulation- battered the stock. Looking back, you can see that I’m not always right- nor do I believe I am always going to be when writing about my investment ideas. It’s time I re-examine Altria’s stock (this time ignoring Philip Morris’s stock).

Altria is holding company for the sin business. For the most part, it is a cigarette producer, owning several cigarette brands, most notably the American rights to Marlboro (Philip Morris owns the same brands but for the international market). It also dabbles in cigars, wine, and smokeless tobacco products like chewing tobacco and e-cigarettes. When it comes down to it, Altria is nothing more than a cash-generating machine in a recession-proof industry. Growth in cigarettes is in perpetual decline- its regular customers are dying after all. However, even with a declining base of users, it is able to increase revenues from price increases. Addicted people have a pretty inelastic demand curve, which Altria has taken advantage of as its core business model for decades. Further, brand loyalty is strong in the industry, and Altria has the strongest: Marlboro. Price competition hasn’t happened in decades when the industry oligopolists figured out that branding was all that mattered for users. On top of the businesses and brands it owns outright, they also own major stakes in a few other sin businesses. Over the long history of this company, much of its revenues come simply from the dividends it receives from these investments, and the managerial prowess it provides to the boards of these companies.

Interestingly, I just came across some of the terms of the Master Settlement Agreement, a 1998 settlement between cigarette manufacturers and 46 states. The terms require cigarette companies, including Altria, to pay billions every year to states in perpetuity for public health needs. Under the terms, 2018 was the last yearly increase in the amount to be paid. From here on out, the maximum amount tobacco firms have to pay is $9B/year all together. They collectively have no problem paying this. Just imagine how this will help the bottom line in the coming years as revenues continue to rise, but this cronic cash outlay stagnates- and that’s not even accounting for inflation! However, there appears to be some type of volume and inflation adjustment actually leading the manufacturers to paying less than expected, and which will possibly mean that their outlays will continue to rise in the coming years. It is unclear, but this may or may not mean that there will be additional earnings over the coming years.

In August of 2017, it sold off its stake in SABMiller in exchange for about a 10% stake in AB Inbev (SYMB: BUD), the world’s largest brewer. It also go$5.7B cash at the time of the deal. The nice thing about this is that AB Inbev pays a huge dividend to supplement Altria’s stake. Well not so much recently. Because of the debt ABInbev took on to buy SABMiller, the company recently cut its dividend dramatically, also causing a fall in the stock price. That means the value of Altria’s stake went down too. On the bright side, Altria has this stock to supplement its revenues, and, in the end, its own dividend payments. (I am struggling to find the actual amount of cash Altria generates from these dividends, but some rough math based on AB Inbev’s cash flow statement puts it at around $513M for the next projected full year and possibly $1.4B looking back over the year since it took a stake). All it has to do it sit back and wait every 6 months or so for the dividend to come in. I don’t really believe there is too much worry here in the long run. The beer industry faces a lot of competition from craft brewers competing with mass market producers, but even there it seems that some of the craft brewers are just becoming another large competitor in the market, like Bells and Yuengling. Sorry hipsters, you can’t fight off brand loyalty and the ease with which many consumers want to make their purchasing decisions forever. Sure, Altria’s income statement is going to take a hit while Bud pays down debt, but investing in a company for an asset play is not unheard of. For example, investors might find swaths of land owned in prime markets by companies that aren’t using it properly and invest in what otherwise looks like a dead end company solely for the purpose getting the company to sell the land, and hence, give them a huge inflow of profits. If Altria truly fell on hard times, it could do the same with its AB Inbev stake. So far, management doesn’t see a problem with it, notably because they haven’t sold it in order to make other investments.

Juul is Cool

Speaking of asset plays, Altria’s biggest recent news involves its new stake in Juul, an e-cigarette company. Juul essentially came out of nowhere in the last couple years. Just in the last year alone, it had an explosive 900% growth in revenues to $1.5B. Why? Simple: Juul is cool. A generational shift is currently happening where smoking went from being a nasty habit into what is considered one of the coolest things to celebrate for college (and likely high school- see below) students. Just review a Barstool Sports Instagram or Twitter account for any random college and you’ll find videos of countless people showing off the numerous ways they consume, charge, and distribute their Juul. Hell, I’m even using one right now! Just kidding, but I occasionally think of getting one. What used to be a dying, slowly decreasing market for nicotine has now turned into a super fast growth market. The base of users is growing again, and therefore, the chance for new revenues and profits.

This is the reason Altria invested $12.8B in Juul for a 35% stake, valuing Juul at $38B. That’s 25x last year’s sales, a dotcom bubble era size valuation. Juul supposedly makes up 75% of the e-cigarette’s $2.3Bish market*, so it’s still dwarfed in size by the cigarette market, a $119B industry in the US in 2017, over $600B globally. This is the reason why many analysts believe Altria overpaid: it will take a long time to recoup the investment in a small company and market, regardless of how high the current growth rate is. I’m not so certain though. Even in my attempts to do a discounted cash flow model with completely arbitrary figures, the revenue growth rates have to continue to be pretty explosive for several years. From the looks of it, Altria is betting that its customers will quit smoking cigarettes and switch to e-cigarettes,and gain new users who weren’t previously smokers. Nicotine is addictive, so there isn’t much concern about future revenue generation once a new customer buys its products. How much brand loyalty will exist in this new market is uncertain, so part of their bet is that Juul is going to be the Marlboro of e-cigarettes. If Juul and other e-cigarette brands can turn a $2.5B industry into a behemoth $119B, assuming the switch is a perfect substitution, it’s not a bad move for Altria to pay up now to maintain its current 50% market share. Maybe e-cigarettes will generate less revenue but from some quick figures on from numerous sources that aren’t totally reliable, Juuls will make a shit ton more. Estimates range on how long a pod lasts, from a day to a week depending on a person’s use. Some say a pack of cigarettes is equivalent to a pod in reference to its nicotine level, delivering 5% nicotine per puff. I have not clue how that translates to a cigarette pack. On average, it’s a more expensive habit than smoking at $15/pod. This means its users, at least at the moment, likely have higher incomes, or really are committed to quitting smoking. As we already know, addicted smokers have a high inelasticity of demand, but it is unclear if this much higher price is something users are as willing to stomach before brand switching or price competition occurs. What is clear is that as long as Juul can maintain pricing power from the dominance of its brand- a risk in a new market- it is likely that Juul will be a cash fucking cow. A fast growing one, too.

The terms of the purchase agreement are very favorable to Juul. In exchange for a 35% stake in the company, it basically gets access to act as if it were any other product in Altria’s sales force. Prominent placement in stores, marketing campaign assistance, distribution network, brand management, you name it- Juul now has it. Overnight, a company with a well-known brand from a niche industry gained the knowledge of the larger industry it’s taking on’s best competitor. Under the terms, Juul also doesn’t have to worry about Altria using its new board seats to influence a future sale of the company outright to Altria, well at least for 6 years. I have a feeling Altria will block any other competitors from taking stakes in the company before (if it ever) goes public, and be happy to buyout the rest of the company if the next 6 years prove that they made a good investment. Many investors see all these benefits to Juul and limitations on Altria as a sign that Altria overpaid for an investment in a parasite. One thing investors are forgetting: Altria knows the tobacco market better than them. As long as what I imagine Altria predicts are astronomical growth rates in the e-cigarette industry over the coming decade, the stake will pay for itself- especially the board seats at the decision making table (future acquisition). The difference between this and the AOL/Time Warner merger is that Juul generates cash and profits, unlike the lofty future projections of AOL. Cash speaks, and Altria is simply looking to keep its cash generating machine of addicted users running long into the future. 

The big negative the comes with this investment is that it is politically very savvy to attack not only the smoking industry, but especially the e-cigarette industry. Not only has the number of vapers increased dramatically in the last couple years, but sadly the number of people under 18 has too. This is the first time in a long time that any form of nicotine use has climbed in that age group in quite a while. Some attribute it to product advertising. I’m not sure where but possibly Instagram and Twitter. The FDA appears to be on somewhat of a mission at the moment not only to regulate, but destroy the industry, announcing just this morning that if teen vaping rates do not stop rising in 2019 (highly unlikely) they might completely ban the product. While I fully disagree with this approach, and much of the various proposals the FDA has announced regarding e-cigarettes simply because of the massive decrease in health problems compared to conventional smoking, it is a real scare for investors, especially since Juul is the FDA’s biggest target. A ban on e-cigarette’s would completely wipe out Altria’s $12B investment.

But keep in mind, the FDA also once proposed regulating the level of nicotine in cigarettes down to a non-addictive level. That never went through. Every once in a while, the FDA talks about banning menthol. They did so officially this past November. I’m a bit concerned about this, as an investor, but who knows if it will actually go through. I feel that notice and comment rule making proposals almost always go through since public input or any opposition to a proposal really doesn’t matter in administrative rule making, but lobbying is a strong force to deal with. Altria, which I imagine Juul will be a maaaaaaajor beneficiary of, has an incredibly strong lobbying team. Along with British American Tobacco and other major cigarette producers, its not a stretch to say smoking is a prime example of regulatory capture: when industry regulators become so cozy with the companies they regulate that the regulators implement whatever rules the companies want in place. And the companies always make it so that they survive and competitive barriers are put up. I’m not a fan of the model, but it’s a common one; one Altria is really good at. If anyone can stop the FDA from banning revenue generating products, it’s the cigarette industry under a pro-business president.

Without going into it much, Altria’s investment in Juul is likely a positive for the company, but from an antitrust concern I am fully opposed to it. Altria already announced that they are shutting down their in-house e-cigarette brand operations in order to focus on Juul- a blatant example of anti-competitive activity.

Other Stuff

Altria also recently invested $1.8B in Cronos (SYMB: CRON), a canadian cannabis maker. On this front, I simply do not have enough knowledge. With a 45% stake in the company, and the ability to take majority control later, this could work out similarly to their investment in Juul. I’m happy Altria is investing an area that logically flows from its core business model, the marketing of sin products. Maybe Cronos will become the next Altria of marijuana. The hard part here is that competition is rife in this legally suspect industry. Who will be the eventual victor after marijuana is fully legalized in the US is unclear. There are numerous competitors, a lack of brand loyalty anywhere as far as I can see at this point, too many different flavors (strains) without clear mass appeal, hundreds of different consumption methods... the list goes on. Another on the competitive front is that multiple different sin business giants are investing in the industry, including Constellation Brands. I’ve even heard that general products companies like Coca-Cola are looking to get in on the game. That’s a lot of strong marketing/brand competition to eventually face. It is an economist’s dream to follow the marijuana industry given how all the different restrictions affect decision making and how it came to life out of nowhere to let market factors play out in real time. However from an investors stand point, any investment in the waaaaaaay-overvalued-relative-to-risk marijuana stock sector, it’s a crap shoot whether Altria made a good investment or not. Analysts see it generally as a good move for both Altria and Cronos, which seems strange to me given their universal agreement on how the Juul investment was bad, even though Juul has much better prospects of future success. Let’s hope the analysts are right about Cronos.

One of the biggest problems Altria faces as a stock rather than a company is how it is viewed. Currently, it is a blue chip industry stock. Revenues grow with stability over time. Dividends are high. Cash flows are massive. For much of its history, the company has had so much money that it had to buy up companies in totally unrelated industries just to find somewhere to grow and diversity in case cigarettes were all out banned (Kraft, SABMiller, etc.). Investors have historically bought the stock because of its reliable dividend. With interests rates rising, this presents a problem: investors sell high dividend stocks and switch to bonds to lower their risk for the same or similar return. This creates a headwind against Altria for the expected coming years. Further, if Altria’s investment in Juul turns out to add lots of growth to its revenues, it may completely alter Altria’s historical view as a dividend growth and income play. Whenever this happens, stock prices are unpredictable as investors try to figure out the future direction of the company. This is a probably the biggest risk factor for the stock, more so than its one time investment in Juul. On the plus side, it does not have much foreign exchange exposure, since it owns only the US rights to Philip Morris products. Altria is therefore a bet on the US market.

Is it a buy?

This isn’t so clear. To me, Altria’s investment in Juul is a good move, even at its high value. It’s overall business model seems to be intact, if dying without it’s investment in Juul. An investment in Altria without the Juul investment would have been a dividend play, but with it, there is now growth potential. If you were to invest in this stock, it is likely to stagnate for a while. But since it recently fell 30% in the last three months, mostly related to general market moves compounded by their investment announcements and regulatory scares, the price looks attractive at these levels relative to expected earnings. The P/E is at a 5 year low. Other valuation metrics are also at 5 year lows for the stock, suggesting it may be undervalued relative to the long run. I suggest waiting out until the next earnings call to hear what Altria has to say about its Juul investment. This is the key to any future investment decision. Sure, you might miss out on a current buying opportunity, but I think it’s too risky when you can wait to hear what management has to say. If the stock goes up on their discussion, no biggie. Plus, there is low downside risk since a lot of the negative factors I’ve listed, notably the on the regulatory front, are baked into the stock already. It’s all about long term growth.

It’s clear that there is a morality complex that comes along with an investment in Altria. The nice thing to remember is that whenever you buy a share of stock, its going to be from the secondary market. This means that you aren’t actually putting any money into the company, you are simply buying the rights to future earnings from someone else who may or may not have actually put money into the company’s bank account decades ago. This likely won’t dispel any moral issues for most investors, so at the very least one could look at Altria’s investment in Juul as taking a step to severely reduce the health hazards attached to a nicotine addiction, to say nothing about the taboo against addiction generally. In no way is it good that teens are getting addicted at young ages, especially from a psychological perspective (though we know how notoriously unreliable studies in that field are, both scientifically and statistically). For me, I look at Juul as a way to help people quit smoking, or be addicted without the vast majority of the health problems associated with smoking. It’s unfortunate that high schoolers find it cool, but at the same time, it’s not translating into cigarette use, a far worse alternative. At least, not yet. Teenagers have always found ways to do adult things adults don’t want them to do, whether it’s smoking, drinking, seeing R rated movies, or having sex. Maybe this will be one with far less problems (though there are reports of people who vaped so much that it caused seizures- not a good thing). It’s up to the investor, when it comes down to it, whether they feel good or not investing in a company whose sole purpose is feeding users’ addictions.

1/28/19 Update: Another thing to consider is the expected rate of e-cigarette cannibalization of traditional smoking. Sure, Altria’s investment in Juul will help offset the cannibalization it faces, but not only will this not be a perfect one-for-one switch given Altria’s loss only returns it a 35% share of profits from Juul, it also means that the costs to Altria might be felt much stronger in the short term even though it will make up for it in the long term. Putting it simply, it’s not clear if there is nothing but pain for Altria’s stock in the next couple years as people switch smoking preferences for current smokers (new nicotine addicts aren’t as much of a concern), even though it will be offset by the gains in their Juul investment in the long run. This could lead to years of stagnation or stock price depreciation before getting growth again, even in as Altria raises cigarette prices every year to combat the loss in unit sales. Investors should consider this macro trend when deciding on the timing of whether to invest in Altria, if at all. 

*I know the math doesn’t make sense: 1.5/2.3 ≠ 75%. But I’m going off the various statistics I found in news articles and some statistics databases on the industry.

[simplyouidjette]

I know probably no one will see this but I just need to write this out to make myself feel any kind of better.

My roommate in college is someone I have known since childhood but I always knew she was one of those who would go wild in college. I had second thoughts about rooming with her and I should have trusted my gut.

She has brought men into the room many times without asking and having them spend the night. She even had numerous sexual endeavours with them while I was into the room. I had to get up and leave.

I am not that tough on having sex with people in the room. Just tell me ahead of time and if I can find somewhere to go it will be fine. She knew I had nowhere to go and these men could easily take her to their rooms.

I told her how uncomfortable I was with strange men sleeping in the same room as me and that she cannot fuck men when I'm in the room.

She said she was sorry and wouldnt do it again.

She did it again. Twice.

Then winter break rolled around and suddenly she never texts me and I see suttle, passive aggressive tweets about me and my mother.

Skip back in time to. the first time a man was sleeping naked in our room. I had texted my mom there was a man in the room and I was uncomfortable with it. (I'm 18 and my first time living away from home. I have an extremely good and close relationship with my mom, of course I turn to her for guidance). I texted her the first time my roommate brought a man to the room and she had talked with my roomate's mother saying that there was a man in the room but we will work out our issues as adults and not to bring it up to her daughter.

However, her mother proceeded to call her and say she "knew about everything" in which my former friend then told her other about all the drugs and men she was doing. (Literally).

To shorten this up shit went down really fast and bad as her family is extremely toxic. They threatened to pull her out of school since they are paying for it if she didnt stop the drugs and men. My roommate said she wouldnt. (Take some balls since they are literally paying for your entire college). I honestly felt they had some right to say what they did. She was throwing away their gift of free education.

That's when I started to spend everyday apologizing for what happened saying I never thought things would turn out so badly with her. My mother even called her and apologized for what happened.

Still she believes that I ratted her out and this is all my fault, even when I told her I said nothing, her mother just knew what she was like and could assume more was going on.

Time skip back to winter break where she wasnt contacting me but posting things ver passive aggressive that were basically saying things like "stop telling yo mommas shit about my business." Obviously about me.

I was so tired of this immature attitude. Being 18 and 19 years old you need to stop acting like middle schoolers with "dont tell my momma this dont tell your momma that." Own up your life if that's how you want to live it. And if you cant do your drugs without depending on your family who want nothing to do with drugs, support yourself or drop the weed.

She only does weed which I have to particular liking or dislike. I just dont like to be involved with it. My college has strict rules on it and unlike her, I am paying my way through this place and cant risk getting expelled.

So finally I told her I felt disrespected having my feelings completely ignored and that I did not want to room with her next year or even the current semester. (When I drove over to her house unannounced because she bailed on me saying she had plans when she was just sleeping in). She always says she wants people to tell her the truth and talk to her. But when you try to do that she blows you off or if you dont agree with her it means you are out. Gone. She doesnt want you if you dont worship her.

She was a good friend however, so I tried to be civil and said I would always be her friend but we cant live together.

She said fine.

She apparently does not care about our long friendship as she cut me out randomly after the first day back in the dorm and blocked me on all social media and ceasing to speak or even look at me while we are in our dorm room.

She wasnt planning on telling me she was done with me either. I had to confront her and ask her of she was ending the friendship.

She was saying we "drifted apart." That is not the case. Drifting apart is slowly losing that friendship and disappearing from each other's lives. This was a random cut out and purposefully making sure that person is not anyway involved in your life.

I was so hurt because she was a good friend but now I see I was the only one trying to make it work. It is more sad that I'm more mad that she is so stubborn and cant accept her mother lied about knowing everything and instead blames me for it all and calls me untrustworthy and a liar.

Its apparent to me now she was a bad friend and I was actively trying to save an abusive friendship.

She would always ask me how to do anything but would speak to me as if I was a child who had no sense.

She now has moved everything in our dorm that we used to share to my side if I bought it and subsequently spent use anything I bought for the dorm.

The level of pettiness is unreal.

She even emptied out my hand soap bottle because she had refilled it before the end of our friendship with soap she bought.

Now I think I'm stuck with this awkward, tense atmosphere for the rest of the semester.

Its just sad this is how our friendship turned out. Although, the more I think about it, the more I realize she was always this way I was just not seeing it because I want her to stay my friend.

If anyone bothered to read this lengthy, VERY poorly written rant. Thank you. I am having a really rough time right now. O have my classes everyday of the week but sunday and they are killing me. Now I have lost a close friend and she is practically punishing me for something I didnt do. Although I have gotten over the sadness of loosing her and its replaced with anger at all the drama and pain she put me through (I only mentioned one small part of the things she did and said)

Anyway im just in need of a friend or someone to talk to. I have my suitemates but I dont like bothering them all the time. Also if you to live in Newport News/Norfolk Virginia, hello :) (I probably shouldn't have our whole business on here but ya know, not like anyone will know her on here. I post so much bts no one who knows her would ever look at my feed)