#Adoptee

[postmoderntongues]

There is a lot of discourse on tiktok about how adoption is immoral and of adoptees coming out and saying they hate their adoptive parents and i was wondering, as a woman who does not want to have biological children but still wants to open my home to kids in need when I get the stability financially, is there an ethical way to go about it?

[oliveptee]

going to ruffle a few feathers with this one

edit: please stop liking and reblog this post, its important since people are extremely disrespectful to adoptees and other groups by calling them found family. thanks.

[sweetlittledaisy7]

Dear ADOPTIVE PARENTS

Please keep your adopted kid's stories offline and never ever promote them to others. Nobody should know why your child is adopted or anything about their birth family. I see these adoptive mom influencers speak about their adopted child being born on drugs or being left on the side of the road. Why should anyone know this? They don't need to know. Please keep this information private. I'll even go as far as saying many people in your life don't need to see or know any information about the adoptee or their circumstances. You will seriously fuck your adopted kid up and break trust they have with you. Who wants to talk to someone who will put their business online? Does anyone talk to people about what sex position they were in when they did it? No. So why speak about personal things about your adopted child publicly

[thepersonalwords]

Blood can help make family, but family often transcends blood.

DaShanne Stokes

[red-envelopes]

isn't it so bizarre how most of adoption just falls on you, as the adoptee, to try and figure out what it has done to you, how to deal with it. neither adoptive nor birth families seem to really understand it and expect you, as the adoptee, to be the one to magically put things together like a jigsaw, it find all the pieces and force yourself into one space or the other and magically expect you to fit. and it's all entirely 100% up to you, like that family here won't help you and family there won't either. they won't understand it. it's all entirely up to yourself.

this thing has happened to you and it's your problem trying to fit it together, it's your job to make it make sense. it's your fault that this happened to you and you have to meld it in together. this happened to you and you have to live with it. what the hell lol

[kenmakaminari]

One thing I really REALLY hate about the current abortion vs adoption debate (I am extremely pro-choice btw) is that people are speaking about adoption like it’s just a solution to minor problems.

Adoption is a HUGE life-altering thing for both the new parent(s) AND the child being adopted. But people seem to only be talking about the adults involved and not the children.

The children who are being stripped away from everything they’ve ever known and being placed with strangers. And I’m not even going to get into what that involves for older kids right now, I’m only speaking about babies.

—

For the first 6 months of their lives babies fully believe that they are an extension of their mother. Their mother walking out of the room can feel like the equivalent of a severed limb.

But people will still prefer for a baby to be born and figuratively amputated, rather than have an unwillingly pregnant person remove a non-sentient clump of cells from their bodies?

—

Adoption is a long, hard, and painful process for everybody involved. The newborn can be removed from their bio-parent’s custody before the umbilical cord is even clipped, but still not be in permanent custody of their new parents until they are a year old.

Imagine spending the first year of your life being passed around different strangers houses. How difficult would it be to form attachments? How would that affect learning how to speak? How to walk?

How would you be able to learn the basics of infant and toddler-hood, such as “mama” and “dada” if you don’t even have one? A baby’s entire sense of self is tied to their parents, does this meant that a baby with no parents doesn’t even have that?

But of course, that is still better than removing a clump of non-sentient cells from a person’s body, right?

—

No matter how or when it happens, adoption is a TRAUMA, not an answer. It is a wonderful thing for many children, who need better support than they have been dealt from their biological families. But bringing a child into the world for the soul purpose of placing them into foster care is cruel.

Adoption does not exist to ease your religious guilt against abortion.

Adoption does not exist to place a band-aid over another person’s infertility trauma.

Adoption does NOT exist to heal adults.

Adoption is for the CHILDREN.

The children who need help. The children who need a safe home to grow. The children who need THEIR trauma to be top priority. Not yours.

People need to stop using adoption as an alternative to abortion. Adoption involves real living children, not the non-sentient clump of cells that are removed during abortion.

Children, who deserve more out of life than to be used as a ‘gotcha’ in political arguments that shouldn’t even need to exist in the first place.

[comrade-emma]

A rant about Jedi Stans from an ex-Jedi fangirl

After some time I've had to reflect on my own behavior as well as my time in the pro Jedi fandom, I decided it's time to call this shit out. Some people take it really personal if someone criticized your favorite characters or their beliefs. Ironically, you all act more like the Sith than the Jedi with how obsessive you can be and insisting any criticism is equal to wanting genocide.

I'm going to start by saying I was in the pro jedi fandom for a few months. Truth be told, I was using it as an outlet for some of my anger issues with my hate towards Anakin, seeing him as similar to a lot of people I've had to deal with. Some of it was wanting more followers and fear of being disliked by the majority. I would pick fights with Anakin fans and was a bit of an asshole and I apologize for that. I still don't like him but no longer HATE him. Seeing how fandoms treat abuse victims who aren't perfect angels like Shinji Ikari or Lapis Lazuli has caused me to loosen up a bit. Many Jedi stans would probably hate those characters for not being “perfect” victims. In retrospect, this wasn't a good community for me. It was very puritanical and I often felt like I was wrong for enjoying media that went against the beliefs Jedi Stans put on a pedestal. Three of my favorite ships (Madohomu, Reishin and Hodaka x Hina) involve "burning the world for one person" and I felt like I couldn't talk about them without being a hypocrite. That and me agreeing less and less with Luca's beliefs pushed me to leave.

It's fine to enjoy a fictional character and defend them if you feel that they're being unfairly criticized. I've done it myself and have written essays defending my faves. The problem is that Jedi stans don't know when to stop. So many are quick to compare the Jedi to minority religions or marginalized groups as a shield against criticism, not recognizing how insulting that can be. Jewish, asian and aroace people are the ones normally used due to the Jedi beliefs being based off Eastern religions as well as Judaism as well as some aroace people identifying with the Jedi.

One thing I noticed about Jedi stans is their similarities to Jumblr which is full of religious chauvinism reworded to sound progressive. Many of them talk about how the Jedi shouldn't have to change their traditions with the times or to accommodate a few individuals like Anakin or Ahsoka. This can be similar to how a lot of people are quick to defend minority religions from outside criticism based on how they were treated by Christian colonists or missionaries. The problem is that this can veer right into ableist or queerphobic territory. You know who else believe that their religion shouldn't have to change with the times to accommodate people? Conservative Christians who hate being told to be affirming of LGBTQ people. Also, schools and parents/guardians do have a responsibility to accommodate kids with disabilities, mental health issues or trauma, even if it may be inconvenient or force you to bend the rules. Claiming they need to just suck it up is honestly disgusting.

This was all a big reason for why I left this garbage pit of a fandom. While there are some who hate the Jedi because they stan the empire or think people need 50s nuclear families to live fulfilling lives, not everyone does that. Believe it or not, some people have faced abuse and bigotry under Judaism and Buddhism. People can also criticize how Lucas presented their beliefs as some Buddhists think he didn't do a good job. Libsoftiktok is a vile transphobe, an Orthodox Jew and her beliefs are said to be fairly common in her community. Many people of color identify with the clones and dislike how even the nicer Jedi treated them. When Obi Wan told Anakin, "It's okay to have romantic feelings, but you must let them pass," that hits different for queer people who have been told similar things from "polite" homophobes. Some queer people do choose celibacy like Side B christians which is fine as long as they don't treat it as a moral failure to want a relationship. There are many neurodivergent people who don't like the Jedi beliefs as they hit close to home. Lucas may have not intended to come off as ableist but the Jedi did with their beliefs about negative emotions. To some people, platitudes like "just let go" aren't helpful and treating it as bad for not living up to those principles is gross.

I deleted the post, but a while back I made a post asking a popular pro jedi blogger their views on adoption since they claimed Anakin not viewing the Jedi as his "found family" was a moral failure. I found their response to be tone deaf and insulting. I responded in a decent way of course, but felt a bit judged and unhappy for wanting to know my birth mother. Adoptees are another set of people this fandom is insensitive and gross to. The Kenobi series I find insulting for that reason too, having Leia be a foil for Anakin and Obi Wan romanticize his recruitment as a child.

Jedi fans are also shitty to those with religious trauma and who faced abuse. Accusing anyone who criticizes the Jedi of projecting their issues with Christianity while simultaneously talking like conservatives as shown above. Tumblr in general has a weird habit of treating religion as if it’s either conservative evangelicalism, liberal reform Judaism and some vague pagan or eastern spirituality with little nuance. Some Jedi stans really come from a place of privilege. Claiming "they can just leave" is insulting to real religious abuse survivors who were raised with harmful beliefs like creationism or homophobia. I'm no antitheist but treating non christian religion as inherently progressive dismisses a lot of people's experiences.

Let's be real, the writing in this franchise was always a bit sloppy. Lucas's issue was wanting to simultaneously create both a black-and-white morality tale for kids based on the fairy tales and serials he grew up and a deep socio-political commentary about the Vietnam and Iraq wars which required some morally grey themes. Thus, along with his terrible dialogue that made the characters seem unlikable, is why the fandom is so divided over whether he intended people to agree with the prequel Jedi.

To wrap this up, I found the pro jedi fandom to be a terrible experience. It was a mix of faux progressivism mixed with fear of judgement for disagreeing. I ended up editing a post I made, and eventually deleted, comparing Yoda with Garnet from SU because I included a tiny bit of criticism and didn't want to get backlash. As long as it’s not gross or bigoted criticism of your favorite characters isn't the end of the world. People don't have to like George Lucas or his beliefs and put them on a pedestal. I feel like the fandom's worship of George comes in response to OT purists who claimed he "raped their childhoods" but there's fair criticism to be made. Just like how not everyone who criticizes Disney SW or any Disney media in general is an "anti woke" grifter. To the pro jedi fans reading this, here's a suggestion. Just block and ignore people, write an essay if you feel it's important, but don't act like an entitled bully if a blog or even a SW writer disagrees with the Jedi, interprets the story differently or criticizes your favorite characters.

[thenuclearmallard]

One thing that is very challenging for adoptees especially who are Indigenous is the process of reconnection. There are some, like myself, who were fortunate to reconnect with family and community, but others who will never understand who they are and are layered with displacement. Growing up, I was told I do not look Russian and it went as far as my friends doubting me to the point my mom brought in documentation to show them. This was elementary school. Throughout my reconnecting process, I have had misunderstandings and made errors. It was hard with language barriers and words that are missing in Russian but used in English. Finally gaining clarity and answers with my cousin has been meaningful but it is still a challenge especially if your family became severed from culture through death and displacement and you're trying to reconnect. For adoptees trying out there, I see you and I am here for you. I understand how hard it is to be taken from your land and be forced elsewhere. For me, it was across the world and I was encouraged to push away anything of my past. I chose to reconnect. I have my voice and I will not stay silent.

[waxdream]

I'm not a fan of how Arcane handles adopted characters.

The show is excellent, I've been enjoying it so far, however I very much believe that Powder and Vi's adoption by Vander is an underdeveloped plotpoint. The amount of fans calling the sisters, vander and the other kids a 'found family' is evidence enough in my opinion. I have nothing against the found family trope, I really love Dungeon Meshi for example, but Arcane is NOT a found family. They are an adopted family, and there is a big difference between these two things. To put it simply, an adopted family is a different kind of family, whereas a found family is a friendship group with a greater level of support and care. It's frankly insulting to adoptees to conflate the two, because many of us have relinquishment traumas among others and grow up as black sheeps in the family. I don't like the comparison because in my opinion it's like saying my family is the same as you and your bff's relationship. You wouldn't say that to a kept person.

But I digress, I'm here to talk about my dislike of how Arcane handles adoption. I consider it very tropey - orphanhood and adoption as a plot point is used to give the main two characters a 'tragic backstory', and yet the show doesn't even have the dignity to give it some backbone. I don't like little orphan annie, yet she's still an adopted character. With Vi and Powder however, you could remove adoption from the story of Arcane and it would be exactly the same story in my opinion. This is dangerous in storytelling, because it creates alleyways for stereotypes like the 'psychopath adoptee' to come into play, which has haunted media for years. Jinx killing Vander is just a played out trope in my opinion, and it feeds into the very real fears that affect the adoptee community in real life. People think we're broken, that we'll hurt and harm our adoptive family, that we're criminals or bad blood. Putting this trope into your story without the slightest bit of effort to make it seem otherwise is gross. And if you don't believe me, look at the trailer for "adopted" - a film that's coming out this year. It'll show you exactly what I mean when I say that kept people assign adoptees traits such as violent, manipulative and alien with prejudice. https://youtu.be/CILgaro5s5c?si=7fMqXV4cDzA9t43_

Along with this, I dislike how Jinx is handled. I've only seen season 1 so I don't know if this changes, but from what I gather, Silco is meant to be her new father. Her replacement for Vander. And considering how her birth family were fully involved in Silco's/vander's uprising (as shown in the prologue), I can't see Silco as anything other than a stand in for birth family. I can't see this as anything other than an estranged adoptee being led astray by birth family and turned into someone evil, someone they were meant to be because their blood dictated it. This trope is vitriolic, I can't think of any other word to describe it. I see Vi as the good golden child who stands by her adoptive parents and Jinx as the kid who wants to reunite with her birth family. I believe this show was careless with how they handled adoption - this is what comes from non adoptees/kept folk writing adopted characters. Adoptees aren't morally wrong for wanting to know their birth family, we aren't broken or sick. And yet somehow, even when adoption is used as a flippant plot point, the characters manage to fall into the same stereotypes over and over and over again.

I also hate that Vi and Powder have the same birth family. The other kids are treated as a 'boo hoo, more trauma for Powder' plot point, but ultimately discarded because they're not birth family. I know Jinx makes those dolls and hears voices, but you CANNOT tell me that if Vi had died instead of Vander and the kids, that Powder wouldn't have been way worse off. That's how they wrote the characters. To care about each other above all else. This is bioessentialism and that is a messy and more often than not dangerous view to be pushing. If they had been two adopted siblings, or perhaps Vi was Vanders birth child and Powder was adopted, I wouldn't be as mad because at least then it would seem like the writers actually put some effort into portraying adopted families as equal to birth families. As the show is though? Adopted families are treated as inferior.

So yeah. I don't like how Arcane handles adoption. It drags me out of the viewing experience, and makes the entire show seem unrealistic and cliche. Feel free to ask questions but I'm gonna be honest, I'm probably not gonna bother with season two. Which is a shame, I love the gay magic guys.

[adoptee-reminders]

it is not okay to steal terms from a minority group. Please stop using the term transracial as it is an adoptee only term. It means for someone to be adopted from a race/ethnicity other than their own. Stop appropriating our terminology. 

[oliveptee]

kaeya says .... adoptee rights!

[sweetlittledaisy7]

Birth mom right to privacy.

Sorry, I disagree with this. Adoptees don't get a choice in the matter. If a birth mom doesn't want a relationship, that's fine, but refusing to share where we came from in the name of privacy is wrong. Every adoptee is entitled to know where they came from.

If birth mom doesn't want to be found or wants privacy, then she needs to understand adoptee rights.

There's no reason why adoptees have to suffer at the choices of others. We adoptees have every right to know where we came from, no matter how hard it is to know the truth.

[theremina]

An adoption abolitionist’s plea:

Don’t say your for-profit artwork has been “adopted”.

Don’t advertise your portraits with cutesy phrases like “Isn’t Uwu Smolbean Rag Doll Doodlybunz peachy keen? Adopt her today for just $299!”

Don’t call buying an inanimate friggin object “an adoption”.

Doubt I’ll be heard by many. But I’ll keep saying this stuff til kept people who claim progressive and leftist values begin to comprehend that countless millions of actual living, breathing people in this world have been bought and sold as infants or children and it AIN’T FUCKIN CUTE.

[red-envelopes]

what I find most aggravating about being in adoption advocacy is that many people are truly just not in the know and they don't want to know. The only people who are in the know or even want to know in the first place are those who are involved within adoption in the first instance (social workers, adoptive families, guardians, adoptees, birth families etc).

It feels like adoptee issues are overlooked or ignored in favour of "things that are more important" but adoption encompasses so many of those important things too. It feels as if adoption issues can be put on a back burner or up on a shelf and if you step out of line or start exhibiting some of the issues that advocates are raising voices about then it all falls against your favour and once again you're left standing wondering what you did wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a person yelling at the sidelines when there's other things to worry about even though I know this is just as important. The intersectionalities of adoption encompass so many major issues but it feels sometimes that this is not recognised.

At the same time, it is so much easier to be complacent but wow it is frustrating to be surrounded by those who just do not know a thing about adoption and then don't want to know.

[theragingmoon]

Reading Parable of the Talents right now. I could've written this and not one word would be a lie.

[miravariable]

"letter to my birth mother"

a brief memoir minicomic about being an adoptee.