#And the other had cancer and was also wasting away and was suffering a lot

[theforesteldritch]

Some people suck so much there’s an Instagram account of a (really cute and silly) cat with cerebrellar hypoplasia, so the part of his brain that helps control movement isn’t fully developed so he’s pretty wobbly when moving but he is a happy, healthy cat. There’s an (again very adorable in an orange cat way) video of him just demolishing, absolutely obliterating a tuna treat, and of course he’s wobbly because he has CH! But the comments are full of people saying he should be put down. And like. This cat is fine. It is not suffering. And it just reveals what people think of disabled humans too because if people are so mad about disabled animals existing and being alive because they can’t fathom that disability and happiness and quality of life can coexist given proper accommodations and supports, what do you think about disabled humans? It’s not that far of a leap from thinking eugenics is good in animals to humans.

[fandomzwriterk]

This my first time ever requesting anything on this site, so please bear with me 💀 I have a request for any of the Mortal Kombat 1 characters (preferably Lin Kuei and/or earthrealmers) with a special other that ats like either Deadpool or Wolverine? I've been hyperfixated on both, and would interested to see how you portray it!! Thanks 💚💚 (also, love your content btw.)

A/N: yes absolutely yes! I act like Deadpool a lot so this is gonna be fun for me😂😂 Also reader with be based off of both Wolverine and Deadpool🤣🤣😂😂 Brought to you by: Ashes by Nathan Sharp

Bi Han

-> When he first met you, which was a mission to bring you back alive, your first words to him were “come at me daddy” as you pulled out a pistol

-> Confused the man right then and there, making him freeze

-> Answered back with “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

-> As you pulled the trigger, Bi Han straight up froze it with a wall of ice

-> Of course, after you shot, you came running up with your claws unsheathed, stabbing right through the ice almost hitting him

-> “There’s a lot of things wrong with me! Where should I begin? I got tortured… A LOT. Oh I was basically a lab rat for a guy, may he rest in peace, that shot me up full of drugs to stop my cancer and now I can self heal which means I can’t die which means I’m forced to live the rest of my life knowing someone took my humanity away.”

-> Bi Han is just fighting you with his mouth wide open

-> He has no idea what to even say to you

-> “Come on bub, I’m not gonna waste my time fighting you. After all I just told you I can’t die.”

-> “Can you… suffer from other things?”

-> You answered with “yes but I grow anything back that gets cut off”

-> You pulled out a katana as he came to strike down on you with an ice blade

-> There is a lot of back forth… mostly you just trauma dumping on him

-> Bi Han is just thinking to himself “I swear to the Elder gods if she doesn’t shut up I’m gonna kill her- Crap.”

-> The fight ends with him plunging an ice blade through your chest and up making you fall to your knees, pinning you there

-> “Oh I’m not new to this. I like where this is going”

-> Bi Han just crossed his arms in front of him, standing proud as a fiery portal opened up

-> “Oh great thanks dude now I’m apparently going to hell.”

-> You tried to cut the ice with adamantium claws, still stuck in your chest considering how fucking cold it was

Kuai Liang

-> Met you on accident… really! On accident!

-> He had been walking through town when he saw you flip a 6 foot dude onto his back while the rest of the bar was going wild

-> He saw your steel like claws, cutting through everything in its path

-> He HAD to meet you

-> But you were gone as soon as he went to track you

-> “Not my first time being stalked but I will say, you my friend are terrible at it.” You answered sitting on the balcony above his head jumping for him

-> He pulled out his weapon, lighting it on fire as he swung towards you, pulling onto the rope that was holding it

-> You backflipped over his head, making his back get turned to you

-> “Ooh… kinky. Not my first rodeo with that though.”

-> Just stopped in his tracks as he turned to fight you, confusing the hell outta him

-> “I You are very strange”

-> “Eh. I’ve heard that one a few times.”

-> “From who may I ask?”

-> You showed him your bloody claws that had been retracted back into your skin previously

-> You lunged at him, making him roll to the side

-> “Oh come on I hate it when the fun is-“

-> He had cut you, seeing your blood light aflame as it spew from your arm

-> But instantly, it healed, sending Kuai into a state of worry

-> You still felt the skin slowly close

-> You did have no intention to fight or kill him

-> You were mad your sleeve had been cut

-> “Oh come on this was my favorite one!”

-> Your mood changed instantly, seeming to forget he was there as you pulled off the sleeve

-> “I uh… I apologize. It wasn’t my intention to attack you. I wanted to-“

-> “No need to apologize, I just fight everyone I come across. After all I don’t know if you were trying to kill me there. Speaking of which how in gods name did you light that on fire? I’ve been trying for years and never understood.”

-> He put away his weapons upon hearing you start to ramble about random things

-> That fight ended but he asked you to accompany him to his home base

-> And of course… you agreed. Why not have fun all the time since you can live forever?

Tomas Vrbada

-> Weirdest place he met you?

-> At Johnnys house where you had been training him in weapon combat

-> Tomas had an immediate liking to you

-> You were even stronger than Raiden, who had been there with Kung Lao

-> He was entranced by your adamantium claws, your precise aim when it came to guns, and your incredible healing

-> Not gonna lie, when he first trained with you, he was so scared when he cut you deep on your arm

-> You being chill about it and going on about your day like it was nothing freaked him out

-> “You can heal yourself?”

-> “Umm… yeah? Thought Mr Playboy Billionaire would’ve told you that.”

-> “Johnny is-“

-> “Unreliable? Difficult? Stubborn? Ignoring all my advice? Yep that’s the Johnny Cage I’ve always known.”

-> You walked off with no worry, just cleaning your katanas with a soft cloth as you went to sit down next to a small pool of water

-> It took him some time, but Tomas eventually found out who you were

-> Surprise surprise, Tomas found out you’re the legend herself, the great and mighty Wolverine

-> Johnny told him that they wouldn’t allow a female to play a dominant role even though he fought against it, making some male actor the lead and changing some of the story

-> All this time thought you were maybe Wolverine’s daughter

-> But… your personality was more like Wade’s, a friend of Johnny’s who played your other “crude” half Deadpool that was actually really you as well

-> You could be two different people, and he liked that

-> So you were real, and Tomas wanted to always have his eyes on the legend herself

-> Soon enough, about some months later and after visiting the Shirai Ryu enough times, you talked to him about your trauma

-> He told you he knew about it, but he’s not one to judge what you went through

-> After all, he lost family too

-> Secretly wants to find out what exactly you can live through

All Brothers

-> Tomas is protective of you, Bi Han wants to push you to your limits, and Kuai is the one who makes sure you do the right thing, even if you feel like a bad person

-> Tomas very much admires you and I’m sure he, Johnny, and Raiden have made a fan club about you

-> Bi Han is the one who punishes you for wrongdoings, even going as far as to hurt you to make you listen

-> Kuai Liang is the one who takes care of you on your rougher days

-> All three understand they have no place try and understand the torture and pain you went through

-> All three have thought about you fighting them in a 3v1

-> You become the most important person to them for various reasons

-> Bi Han makes you important by telling you and reminding you of all the things you’ve fought so far, how strong you are to still be alive

-> Tomas always has your back through anything, specially missions or when it’s just him and you

-> Kuai always reassures you that even if you’ve done some bad things in the past, that’s not what you always will be defined as

-> However, they know you’re technically immortal and that even if you are and they aren’t, they’ll still treat you like a normal person

-> If you ever have nightmares, each brother does a different thing depending on who’s around

-> If it’s just you and Bi Han alone, he’ll immediately come to find you if you’re having a panic attack or a flashback of awful things you’ve done and said before

-> He chills you down when you’re thrashing in your sleep and burning up

-> He knows you’re not a shitty person like everyone said you were, you’re just a broken “hero” who’s been screwed over so many times

-> If it’s you and Kuai, Kuai always stays nearby with anything you need and if you need alone time, he’s still around with food or comfort

-> Always enforces that you will always be a “hero” even if you don’t feel worthy

-> Is the one who will watch your “movies” with you

-> If it’s Tomas, he’s always by your side, never wavering or leaving

-> He’s the one who’s protecting you, making sure your bad days will be good ones in any way he can

-> He’s the one you talk about your past “transgressions” with

-> Tomas always has some sort comfort thing for you wether it be a blanket or a food you like

-> When they’re all there and you’re having a breakdown or nightmare, they’ll each find a spot to be near you with all three of them cuddled against you like you’re a child

-> You’re all snuggled together like a family even if you’re all different

-> They’ll all stay till you’re comfortable, focused, and ready to keep fighting ahead

A/N: as you can see, I’m very partial to Tomas I’m sorry🤣🤣🤣 Anyways I’m back from vacation now (my bf and I went on a trip)

[tasteleemhnio]

A love story never end's {Heartbreak and Healing}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bangchan x reader

warnings: none

i'm really sorry I haven't posted anything I've had a lot of family issues to deal with but i'll be posting a lot more often now I've been working on 2-3 story's for the past month so look out for those!!. this is a little story for you guys. if you guys have any story you want me to wright feel free to let me know I'll be happy to wright them for you. I'll stop babbling now. I'll keep you updated. enjoy!!!

Chris sat alone on the park bench, staring blankly out at the lush green trees and chirping birds. He had been coming to this same spot every day for the past two years. It was where he first met the love of his life, y/n. He remembered that day like it was just yesterday. y/n had stumbled upon the park bench as she was out for a jog. She was so beautiful, with her long golden hair and sparkling green eyes. Chris couldn't help but smile as she sat down next to him, catching her breath. They struck up a conversation and soon found out they had a lot in common. They both loved nature and had a passion for helping others. They spent hours talking and laughing, completely oblivious to the passing of time. From that day on, Chris and y/n became inseparable. They would meet at the park bench every day, sharing their hopes, dreams and fears. They fell deeply in love and it seemed like nothing could ever come between them. But life had other plans. One day, y/n received a devastating diagnosis. She had a rare form of cancer and her chances of survival were slim. Chris was shattered. He couldn't imagine a life without y/n by his side. But he also couldn't imagine putting her through the pain and suffering that came with cancer treatments. So, with a heavy heart, Chris made the heartbreaking decision to end things with y/n. He told her that he couldn't handle the thought of losing her and that it would be best for them to part ways. y/n was devastated. She couldn't understand why Chris would leave her when she needed him the most. But Chris couldn't bear to see y/n suffer. He couldn't bear the thought of watching her slowly slip away. So he walked away, leaving both of them with a broken heart. Months went by and Chris found himself back at the park bench, still trying to come to terms with the decision he had made. He couldn't stop thinking about y/n and how much he missed her. He would often look up at the sky and send a silent prayer for her recovery. One day, as he sat on the bench lost in thought, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see y/n standing there, "hello chris long time no see" looking radiant and healthy. Chris couldn't believe his eyes. He stood up and pulled her into a tight hug, tears streaming down his face. y/n explained that she had gone through a successful treatment and was now cancer-free. She had come to the park bench, hoping to find Chris and tell him the good news. They sat down on the bench and spent the rest of the day catching up, laughing and crying as they relived their memories together. Chris realized that he had never stopped loving y/n. He had never been able to move on and had been waiting for the day when she would come back to him. And now, here she was, right in front of him, more beautiful than ever. But things were different now. y/n had experienced the pain of losing Chris and she understood his reasons for leaving her. She also understood that life was precious and that they couldn't waste any more time apart. 1 year later Chris got down on one knee and pulled out a small box from his pocket. He opened it to reveal a beautiful ring, symbolizing his undying love for y/n. 2 months later With tears in their eyes, they exchanged heartfelt vows and promised to never let anything come between them again. From that day on, Chris and y/n's love only grew stronger. They supported each other through all of life's ups and downs and never took a moment for granted. They continued to visit the park bench every day, as it held a special place in their hearts. As the sun began to set and the stars came out, Chris and y/n sat hand in hand on the park bench, feeling grateful for the love they had. They knew that their journey hadn't been easy, but it was their love for each other that had kept them going. And as they watched the beautiful sunset, Chris couldn't help but smile, knowing that his sad love story had a happy ending after all.

[alightinthelantern]

Modern people make fun of the Victorian literature trope of a woman slowly wasting away from an unknown disease whose main attributes are causing her to become more and more beautiful the closer she is to death, they think it's saccharine and shallow. But it's actually a very reasonable trope that makes a lot of sense in context when you consider that 1. The Victorians had no way to see what was happening inside a person's body besides post-mortem autopsies, and 2. The Victorians actively fetishized both paleness and thinness, which are both symptoms of many wasting diseases common to the period, especially Tuberculosis, but also Leukemia and other cancers. Poisonous dyes and metals were also common in everything from wallpaper to cosmetics, and many people were actively suffering from slow poisoning from bad air and skin contact (mold or moist air would cause arsenic-green wallpaper to off-gas arsenic particles, for example).

[yourshiningastr]

PROEM

According to 2017 data, There are roughly 150,000 people who die every day worldwide. And the leading causes of those deaths are mainly complications to the heart, cancer, and other illnesses that can be easily detected by doctors and specialists. 

However, some illnesses aren't visible to the eyes of many. It doesn't have a face, age, or gender. What it has is feelings, extremes, overwhelming, and sometimes unknown emotions.

But what makes it so dangerous is it wasn't perceptible, unlike other illnesses. Generally, people who suffer from this kind of affliction are the ones who seem strong- whom we perceive to be strong.

Many people are still not fully aware of how powerful this illness can be, until now it'S still being distinguished as a weakness instead of a disorder or a mental illness.

There are still several people who are not open to this kind of discussion, which somewhat became one of the reasons why the risk of this illness is increasing.

We are too focused on our beliefs, on our own lack of understanding, and too focused on our own good that we fail to see that we are becoming one of the factors why people suffer from this- Depression. It caged you from being free, it's suffocating..

It's terrifying.

Just imagine the people suffering from it, instead of listening to their positive thoughts and pleads, they will start hearing some pellucid voices forcing them to shut it off and it makes them sick.

Because of the never-ending battle between themselves and this illness, they will lose people and eventually will lose themselves. 

The sadness, the depression... can kill them.

Death..

I never imagined myself dying. Despite all of the things I have gone through, 'that' never did occur to my mind.

Is it because all of those misery and troubles I have experienced are shallow? Or is it because I'm just strong to take everything stoically?

I have never tried nor even thought of killing myself. At first, I thought I was scared of dying, I have a lot of goals, and I know that I didn't just exist just to be gone young.

I knew that I had a purpose, I always knew and felt that God wants me to be something.

I have a lot of good and useful traits, they even say that I am a prodigy. I excel in everything. Be it in academics, you name it, I always stay on top. And I am sure, God didn't give me that much talent to go to waste. I know I am one of his favorite instruments, so I always choose to live.

"Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts."

It's already late evening, yet I'm still awake. It's always been like this, that I already got used to it. After what happened 3 months ago, I never had a deep slumber. I never had a good dream, I never had a peaceful evening.

I am trying my best to move my finger, and chanting some good thoughts in my mind to break this sleep paralysis I am in. 

It's haunting me again, this is the third time happening to me. Once when I was 14 years old, then the second one was just last month, and then...now. 

I thought it would never visit me again, yet here they come.

I tried opening my eyes and to my horror, instead of seeing a creepy lady with long hair and bloodshot eyes whom I am already familiar with, this one is more daunting. Because it's not only one....

But three. 

If only they were just the spine-chilling demons I used to meet and greet, it wouldn't be that too scary, but the demons I am seeing tonight are the people who have freshly opened my sleeping wound that was sleeping for a long time.

These are the people I used to call my friends. The people whom I shared my deepest secrets with, people whom I trust, people who introduce me to what fun really feels like, and yet they are also the people who took that fun away from me.

A manipulative demon who haunts me in my sleep, who drains me to death, and who gives me so much trauma.

Fear is now creeping in, as I felt the pain piercing right through my veins.

I wanted to shout and cry for help but I know there is no use, because of the mere fact that I can't move my body and even speak and that no one can help me since I am all alone.

"I don't want to die yet, I can't.. I want to live, please..." I silently pray.

And with maximal force, I successfully escape those demons.

----------------------------------------------------------

INFO-REFERENCES:

The top 10 causes of death. (2020). World Health Organization.

What Is Depression?. (2022). American Psychiatric Association.

[humdelhi]

“It was 2012. I had left my job in Hyderabad for a new one in Gurgaon as she had been working as an associate professor at a pharmacy college in Rohtak, while our son lived with her parents. We had been married for four years, but our finances never allowed us to stay together. Hence, she was excited and wanted to set up the house at the earliest so that we could call our son to live with us. We had a long to-do-list for our new house in Gurgaon. We went to a neighbourhood furniture market. It was a sunny afternoon. She settled for a brown couch and we were looking for a table to go with our sofa when she felt some painful twitches on her right cheek. I could sense that the twitches were not normal. However, I didn’t share my fears with her and we came back home. The next day, I took her to a multi-speciality hospital a few kilometres away from our house. She was wrongly diagnosed to be suffering from brain tuberculosis. After 6 months of wrong diagnosis and treatment, when we went for a brain MRI, we came to know that the size and number of the brain nodules had increased. It was also discovered that she was suffering from stage-4 of lung cancer. It is a very rare form of cancer that had already spread to her brain and formed multiple tumours there.

She was hardly 28, and a non-smoker. How could she get lung cancer at such a young age? What would happen to our 3-year-old son? In a few seconds millions of questions crossed my mind, and a deep fear of losing my wife made me numb. I don’t remember how much time I took to regain my senses when the doctor broke the news to us. I looked at her and she looked back into my eyes. She said, “Don’t worry, everything will be all right.” She was determined to fight the deadly disease. And I desperately wanted her to win this battle. No matter how rare her cancer is, I was sure that there would be medicines to defeat it.

The doctor prescribed chemotherapy as a surgery was not possible at such an advanced stage of cancer. We read each and every thing available on the internet about that type of lung cancer -- its survival rate, its treatment, what one should eat, what one should avoid. We didn’t want to go wrong this time -- already six precious months were wasted as she had undergone wrong treatment. We went for the first cycle of chemotherapy with a lot of positivity. But nothing was working in our favour. In second month, after third cycle of chemotherapy, the drug reacted adversely. She suddenly felt breathlessness and severe pain in her shoulder. I rushed her to the hospital emergency. A large amount of cancerous fluid had accumulated around her lungs and heart. Her heart could stop beating anytime due to fluid pressure. It took her many days to come out of ICU.

As chemotherapy had stopped working on her, the doctors suggested molecular therapy. She responded well to the drug for 22 months before her body developed resistance to it as well. The next generation of molecular therapy drugs were available in the US only, and we didn’t have any money to buy them. On the other hand, her disease had started progressing aggressively -- it had spread from the left lung to the right lung. The new drug was beyond my financial means. I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless for the first time in my life. We brought our son home, so that he could spend as much time as possible with his mother. Meanwhile, I met a lot of doctors, wrote letters to various pharmaceutical companies to know how that drug could be brought to India at a reduced price. I was told that a new drug can only be brought to India after it clears clinical trials. Though the pharmaceutical company that manufactured it had already applied for permission on conducting clinical trials in India, they were still waiting for DCGI’s (Drug Controller General of India) approval. Since 2012, our government had made it almost impossible to conduct clinical trials in India. We had to attend oncologists’ conferences and write letters to DGCI to get approval on that drug’s clinical trial. It took us four months, but the drug finally came to India under clinical trials and she became their first patient. She responded well to the new drug. The tumours in her brain shrunk. The cancer in the rest of the body was arrested, and there was improvement in her condition. On top of that, we are proud of the fact that because of our efforts, 17 other cancer patients also got access to the clinical trial which was successful on each and every one of them.

She fought well with the side effects of the drugs which included nausea, vomiting, drowsiness and epileptic convulsions. She were to take this medicine in the morning but we didn’t want to disclose the gravity of the disease to our son, so we consulted the doctor if she can take it in the evening instead. Every evening at 7, she popped this pill before putting our son to sleep. By 10, her condition would worsen. By 3.30 she would sleep to get up again in the morning to send our son to school. She would greet him with a bright smile each morning as if nothing had happened. I would just marvel at her positivity and strength. Such has been her determination that she has even started cycling every morning. It helped her build her stamina to withstand the effect of cancer and its treatment.

Today, she has developed resistance to the new drug as well. She now needs the next line of drugs but they are far from coming to India. She can fight the side-effects of drugs and keep herself positive but how can she fight cancer without any drug? She and many other cancer patients can beat cancer or atleast have a chance to extend their lifespan if they keep getting access to such clinical trials. The US has approved 4 medicines and clinical trials of 19 other medicines which are available as treatment to the type of cancer she has. While India has approved only 2 of those medicines -- her body has developed resistance to both. It’s an ongoing struggle for both us. While she struggles to cope with this disease, I’ve been trying to fight the system to ensure that a new drug is available to her by the time her body develops resistance to the previous one.”

[itsmeanyango]

THE SUN IN VIRGO IN THE HOUSES(SUN TRANSIT IN THE HOUSES)

So incase you guys don't know, the sun is malefic and that's what we are going to talk about on the last day of Leo season which is Sunday and the Sun is Leos ruling planet.

Virgo season starts tomorrow and this is what you need to know.

Virgo is a dual sign, the M and the fish at the tail. To me, it means Mother (the M) and child(the fish). Virgo represents facts and order. The Sun is how you see yourself. Most of the things I mention below are going to be your own doing.

If this does not resonate with you its okay, this is a general interpretation which has not taken into consideration every single persons birth chart. But these are the themes you are bound to meet.

I will expound more on my Patreon, join to support me. Thank you in advance.

The first house is the house of first impressions. Virgo in the first house means you come off as very orderly and well put together. The Sun transiting Virgo first house means people may see you as the person with facts and very organized during Virgo season(when the sun is in Virgo). The sun will be highlighting you in peoples eyes. You may feel like everyone has got their eyes on you, they probably do because you are acting jittery. If you make a mistake, everyone will know(or in your head you will convince yourself that everyone knows). If you do something good even if you are unaware of it, it wont go unnoticed. You may feel heavily scrutinized by the public or be in a place where everyone is checking your work ethic. Peoples expectations of you may feel like your hand is in fire but you can't remove it.

The second house is the house of your money and survival needs. The sun transiting Virgo in the second house may mean if you are not organized then all your sources of income or survival will be burnt and you will have nothing left. Always save up and in different accounts! I bet people who had this transit before the pandemic began found themselves spending a lot of money or losing money. They may have also had a boost but failed to save so when the pandemic was made official in the news, they were struggling!

The third house is the house of communication. The Sun transiting third house Virgo means your communication may be taken the wrong way. Virgo is ruled by Mercury, Mercury rules communication and is in this house. Virgo as mentioned is a dual sign! What you intend to say may not be received but instead the opposite will. Be very very clear in communication, do not use ambiguity and do not leave room for guesswork! We are in a very digital age! If you are not clear with your communication get what will happen to you online? Your image will be tarnished, burned!

The fourth house is the house of roots, it also represents home. Everyone has their own definition of home. Sun transiting Virgo in the fourth house means you need to be careful making a home purchase if you have this transit as you may get scammed! You may also fail to follow all the procedures for the purchase. You may still buy the home but fail to notice certain things and now your dream of owning a beautiful home is burned! You may also burn very important bridges or have important bridges burnt that are related to your roots due to the discovery of certain factual information. This house is ruled by Cancer(a water sign), so you better check the drainage and water supply in the area you want to purchase a house/home in. Also find out the rains in the area because they might just sweep your house away. You may want to avoid having a house in a valley or near a water body.

The fifth house is the house of romance, love affairs, fertility and self expression. The Sun transiting Virgo in the fifth house means that you may find yourself nitpicking on matters related to this house. You may be doing everything robotically or 'scientifically'. You may act like you have OCD when it comes to dealing with the matters of this house. Rest, don't be so calculative.

The sixth house is the house of health, fitness and organization(order). This is Virgos house. The Sun transiting a Virgo sixth house means that your schedules will be on fire. You may put too much on your plate or insist that you must change your whole life in this month because you want to become a better you. You want to rush the process. So you enroll yourself into gym, you create a packed daily schedule that you force yourself to follow from morning till bed time, you change your diet or suddenly change your routines. Burnout will catch up with you and you may end up spiraling backward. Unless you have an intercepted house, Virgo sixth house means you have a Libra seventh house. If we look at it the Sun transit way, you won't be able to regain balance. You may start overcompensating. However, you probably have another planet in your seventh house which may be beneficial to you. Take things one step at a time.

The seventh house is the house of Relationships and contracts. All types of relationships and not just romantic. The Sun transiting a Virgo 7th house means you need to be very careful of the contracts you sign and relationships you get into because they have the potential to burn you or you them. Use facts and not assumptions or first impressions that look good. First impressions of the matters in this house may be very attractive like gold they end up blinding you.

The eighth house is the house of merging. Anything that is joint is here. Joint is also shared. So whatever you have joint ownership, CUSTODY or partnership of is under highlight over here. The Sun transiting Virgo eighth house may mean: Please keep your legal documents very safe away from fire and water! If you have any critical information as a softcopy, back it up and back it up and back it up more! Keep records!!!!! These records will save you when you are about to be drowned(the 8th house is a water house) in boiling(Sun) water! Triple check your documents, do not let just anyone see them because you never know who wants to get you. The most innocent of souls could be the one to get you! Like your child may accidentally spoil your computer/phone/USB stick/external storage. Be careful around water. Keep your hardcopy documents in waterproof packaging.

The ninth house is the house of travel, higher learning, ethics, and critical/fast thinking. The sun transit ninth house Virgo means you need to have the right documents on matters related to this house. If you have many or any assignments to submit at school, do them very well. No plagiarism at all, this assignments can either break or make your life during this transit. Double check your travel documents especially your covid tests and certificates. Ensure you have carried them when travelling. If you are applying to schools(University mostly), please please check the percentage of OPEN SOURCES THE SCHOOL OFFERS otherwise when doing your thesis you will have a very very difficult time. If possible, visit the school environment and see if it is worth it, some school environments are tough especially for students who will be looking for housing near school. Research on the countries you want to visit, please stop going to countries where minorities are suffering because of tourists due to increase spread of the virus and pollution. Be kind. Find out if your ethics are really ethical, you may be very oppressive with your ethics.

The tenth house also called Medium Coeli(MC) or Midheaven, is the house of career, long term goals, structure, experts and father. The Sun transiting Virgo tenth house means someone may be excited to become a dad. Someone might be looking into paternity because they either feel skeptical that the child they are raising is not theirs or their father is not their biological dad as they have been made to believe. I like saying that the tenth house is what they mean by 'things that have been put together in heaven, no man can put asunder', so do not force things or interfere with things in this house. Just do your part and leave the rest otherwise you will be wasting your time and energy. During this transit you may feel like everything is falling into place but you may need to think twice. Virgo is facts and order, do you really have the facts or you think you do and you are just going with it? You may be thinking that things are meant to be, everything may be looking real good right now or real harsh right now when they aren't. Go back to the drawing board and check that your facts are not twisted.

The eleventh house is the house of groups, friends, humanitarianism, technology and the future. The Sun transiting Virgo eleventh house may mean your social circles and activities need vetting. Do you really know these people or do you think you know them? For some, you may not even need to do the evaluation because things will happen in your life that shows you who these people really are. You will need to be very specific about any pieces of technology you buy during this transit, research on it. Then go to reputational shops to buy and not just anywhere that claims to sell. CHECK AND KEEP THE WARANTY. Scan and print receipts because they fade, scan and print the warranty too. Keep soft copies of the warranty and receipts. Take a video of you unboxing the technology so you can catch any damages on camera and return it with proof that it was not your mishandling(this is if the business delivered it to you otherwise they can say you damaged it while transporting it). Check that your anti virus(not those free ones, they are fake. Buy a legit anti virus) is up to date and you do not have any security threats. If you love yourself, please stop clicking ads, stop allowing people to plug anything into your PC, TURN OFF BLUETOOTH DISCOVERABILITY, stop using public WIFI and please close all tabs and running apps when on zoom (or any other such platform)because when you share screen you may not know that your information is out for everyone to see-some of which may be very sensitive-. How humanitarian are you? And do you do things humanitarian in a human way or analytical way just because its what needs/has to be done? You may need to significantly drop the statistics and analytical things when dealing with people face to face. What is your plan for the future? Revisit it and make the necessary changes. If you have none, start writing down one.

The twelfth house is the house of endings, spirituality, dreams and the subconscious. The Sun transit Virgo twelfth house may mean that you need to have detailed end of life plans, pay for them now or start saving up for them now. It doesn't matter if you are just 18, start. What do you need to let go of? Your sick relative who is willing to go but waiting for you to let go of them? A friendship? A job? A house? Unhealthy eating habits? Unhealthy coping mechanisms? Several things you are hoarding? Write down things that need letting go of then start letting go of them bit by bit this month. Have you been doing things subconsciously? Start recording them, you may need to see something. Like a pattern which may be as a result of trauma or your instincts getting stronger or something else. You may need to stop looking at spirituality like a science experiment. You may not find the facts you are looking for but it does not mean people who are spiritual are lost. You may however, find that some things just do not make sense because they conflict each other. Someone may be starting to learn something spiritual. Your dreams, write the down even if they do not make sense.

These are the messages I am able to channel, I have been writing for over an hour. It is 20.22(which is cumulative numerology 6 and Virgo is the 6th Zodiac sign) EAT right now. I have written this through two Horas! I hope this helped.

[peanutxparker]

A (very long) list of all of my favorite AJJ lyrics because why not

Candy Cigarettes and Cap Guns (2005)

“Well my great grand-dad he died of cancer, from smoking too many cigarettes. But I must confess that he did quite profess to being the coolest motherfucker I ever met.”

“And cocaine is essentially vegan and they don't give a fuck anyway.”

“And I can't help but miss him even though he hit me everyday.”

“So fuck white people! (fuck white people!)”

“Heaven is a special place in hell where you can watch the people you hate get hurt.”

“You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming ‘cause I'm gonna take your life. You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming and I'm sad you won't be my wife.”

“What makes you think you can be so pretty? And what makes you think you can be so great? And what makes you think you can be so intelligent? And what makes you think you can be so far away?”

“What makes you think you can be so wonderful? And what makes you think you can be so keen? And what makes me think I can be so hurtful? And what makes me think I can be so mean?”

“Sometimes I feel like a cigarette, I'm wrapped in paper and I'm suffocating to death.”

“I don't want to be a cigarette anymore. I'll go to hell in my self death all day and night, so please just put me out.”

People Who Can Eat People Are The Luckiest People In The World (2007)

“Rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds. Rejoice because you’re trying your best”

“I'm afraid to leave the house. I'm as timid as a mouse. I'm afraid if I go out I'll outwear my welcome. I'm not a courageous man. I don't have any big lasting plans. I'm too cowardly to take a stand, I want to keep my nose clean. And it's sad to know that we're not alone in this and it's sad to know that there's no honest way out. In this life we lead, we could conquer everything if we could just get the brave to get out of bed in the morning.”

“And I give a thank-you to my father for not raising me, and I give a finger to my step-father for beating me, and I give props to myself for achieving, and god damn I’m glad that I survived, and god damn I’m surprised that I survived.”

“So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection of a coward you and I both hate very much and then I grabbed the knife and I let the blood out of your throat and I smashed those tiny mirrors inside of your skull.”

“If I don’t go to hell when I die I might go to heaven, might go to heaven. But probably not.”

“Just happy times and half assed rhymes and mimes because mimes are dears, but most of all I want no more tears.”

“No more racism. No more discrimination. No more fat dumb fucks keeping people out of our nation.”

“We’re all one big band across this land and we should sing in tune. Let us grow the balls to break the walls, we’ve got to do it soon.”

“And I hope our candles flicker and die so that our hearts don’t burn to the ground.”

“First we were babies, we're birthing and dying. Then we were children, we're playing and crying. And then we're teenagers and smoking and fucking. But now we're all grown up and we're sadly sighing.”

“And your manic depression, it comes and it goes. Your parasympathetic nervous system reacts and you're in fight or flight mode.”

“How's the world so small when the world is so large? And what made the world? Could I please speak to who's in charge? Everything is real but it's also just as fake. From your daughter's birthday party to your grandmother's wake.”

“I've tried to know which words to sing so many times. I tried to know which chord to play and I tried to make it rhyme. And I tried to find the key that all good songs are in. And I tried to find that notes to make that great, resounding din.”

“There's someone in your head waiting to fucking strangle you.”

“I've got essays, I've got finals due. I have got lots and lots of problems.”

“Welcome to this world, have as much fun as you would like while helping others have as much fun as you're having. Be kind to those you love and be kind to those you don't but for God's sake you gotta be kind.”

Can’t Maintain (2009)

“I wanna pick up the pieces and plant them in the ground. When a tree grows there I want to chop that tree down. Build it into a boat and float it in a lake. And with dynamite I will explode the thing that makes me make mistakes.”

“Sometimes I get so lonesome I can't breathe. Sometimes I get so scared that I can't speak. Sometimes I get so worried I can't hear my heartbeat. Anyway…”

“I wanna tear out my heart and give it away to a person more deserving one day. If all I see is the worst in everything that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get.”

“And people freak me out. People make me scared. People make me so damn self-aware.”

“I get bronchitis twice a year at least. My lungs aren't the way they should be. And I smoke more than a mother fuckin chimney. I declare war on my body.”

“You will cough up crows that peck my eyes and I will do nothing but go blind.”

“We could live there together or I'll live alone, less happy but I'll live... unfortunately.”

“And no one will know how I truly feel ‘cause I can no longer differentiate between what is fake and what is real. I don't know how I feel.”

“And I will always appreciate bad days like this because they grant me a point of reference in regards to my happiness.”

“If the bridge that I was driving over collapsed while I was driving over it that may not be such a bad thing. I would finally meet my maker, I could meet the great creator, and I'd punch him for teaching me how to sing.”

“Don't know if I believe in god but sometimes I pray because the way I was raised keeps me afraid.”

“I hope I can forgive me for having the nerve to exist. I hope someone can help me make some sense of this.”

“Sense and sensibility and peaceful productivity, a pretty girl with broken wings is all that I desire. But there's so much hostility in all the things surrounding me. The awful glow of enmity is trying to stop my shine. So I try to look inwardly at all the things inside of me but sodomy and buggery keep bubbling to the top.”

“I met you once over the phone, you sounded sad and you seemed alone. You left me but I never left you. I never had the chance to.”

“If you spend all your heart on something that has died you are not alive and that can't be your life.”

Knife Man (2011)

“There's no one to blame. People are just fucking mean.”

“So if I see a penny on the ground, I leave it alone or fucking flip it. I'm a straight white male in America. I've got all the luck I need.”

“I've got a pile of broken mirrors and I'm walking under ladders and I'll spill a ton of salt because to me that doesn't matter.”

“You were dead by the time that I had found you. Your blood was spilled on the couch where we had first kissed. So I carried you west to the sea so I could wash you. Your body felt just like a back pack.”

“I hate whiny, fucking songs like this but I can't afford a therapist. Sorry guys, here's a solo.”

“Some days I feel like I'm the weakest and others the strongest. These days are the longest and I've got the weirdest feeling about this and I wanna go away for a while.”

“I wish I had a bullet big enough to fucking kill the sun. I'm sick of songs about the summer.”

“When you have no one, you are no one. Like I said, I used to work at the people pound. All these no ones clumped together, just like a human lost and found. If they left them all be someones there wouldn't be enough to go around. It's better for us all us if there are no ones. And I knew a lot of no ones round that time. They used to all be someones until something took their life and all their someones disappeared while they're stuck there waiting in a line. And for them now, no one seems to have the time.”

“They say ambition is an enemy of weakness and greatness is an enemy of fame.When I pick up my guitar and I try to write a song, I think of what my mentor used to say… “Who fucking gives a rat's ass Steve, just write a love song. Cus they'll keep your belly full and your wallet lined. Don't bother these nice people with your sad sack songs. If you ask me I think they're just a waste of time.””

“Inspiration is the best friend of my sorrow and sorrow is the best friend of my drink. Well I want to look myself in the eye tomorrow but I'm too worried of what other folk's will think.”

“And the troubles in my heart need to get let out. And the troubles in my heart need to escape. And I never liked writing poetry and I never liked doing pottery and God knows that I never learned to paint. So every now and then, I'll sing sad songs. Cus it keeps my spirit light and my conscience clean. And if you don't care to hear I don't mind if you go out for some air. Cus I'm happy that you're happier than me.”

“So I wish I had a cigarette for every time a perfect stranger asked me for a cigarette but I wonder what a cigarette will really do to help that person out. I wish to God I had some spare change for every time a perfect stranger asked me for some spare change but there's not enough spare change in the world to make such an empty gesture count.”

“You can hope it gets better and you can follow your dreams but hope is for presidents and dreams are for people who are sleeping.”

“You don't have it any better and you don't have it any worse. You're an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer and that’s a huge bummer.”

“I'm afraid of the way I live my life. I'm afraid of the way I don't. I'm afraid of the things that I want to do but I won't. I'm afraid of God. I'm afraid to believe and I'm afraid of all the loved ones that I've made leave. I'm afraid that my dog doesn't love me anymore. I'm afraid of the social laziness that let Kitty Genovese die. And I'm afraid of the mob mentality that makes otherwise normal people go blind. I'm afraid of the way that the world works and I'm afraid of the words in my notebooks. I'm afraid that you all know that I am a pervert.”

“It's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else. I wish I were a little less of a coward but the big red bird that lives under the city doesn't give a damn about me and it dies every night. So I bought a knife. I am a knife.”

Rompilation (2012)

“I used to be a spiderman, I used to be a cowboy from hell, but not anymore. Now I'm just a clam and I live inside this shell inside this shell I am. God damn I hate my brain.”

“I'll dip my brain in medicine so that you can stand to be with me.”

“Give me your tired, give me your tired, give me your poor. When our government acts like this, I wonder what World War II was for and the rest of the country hates us more and more. Lady Liberty is not a whore.”

“This is not a protest, it's a tortoise slowly pushing through a race. I hope the tortoise keeps its patience while the hare continues to pepper-spray its face.”

“There is no enemy, there's only people that also love their families and they're scared that they won't have enough long after they are deceased. But how much money do they need? Love turns into fear, and fear turns into greed. There is no enemy, there's only dummies that also love their families.”

“And this is not a phase, it's just a matter of time, with diligence and peacefulness, you will reach them and you will change their minds. If you stay there long enough, they'll start to see you.”

“And when you pushed my face in shit how could that have made you feel like a man or like a monster. It's your fault that I can't tell the difference.”

“In the evening I try songwriting. I'm self loathing, but I love singing. I'll try escaping these evil feelings but they keep coming, they keep coming…”

“So the baby's gonna have a daddy, that's wonderful news. He won't be the greatest parent but neither will you! Gotta get out while you can, otherwise you're screwed. Your legs are broken and your eyes are black and blue.”

“And smoking is like hiring a hitman for five dollars a day, and as cool as that is, I don't wanna keep dying this way.”

Christmas Island (2014)

“Shoot him again ‘cause I can see his soul dancing.”

“If you give it to me I’ll give it back much harder. If you treat me like a son, then I’ll treat you like a daughter. Everyone has a future, everyone has a soul, everyone has a heart, they have a mind, they have control.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he has something the prove because he does. He sleeps a couple hours in the morning, hates the morning when he wakes up.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he wants to make a friend, but he does not.”

“Getting naked and playing with guns. There's a gerbil in the microwave, a baseball bat in everyone. Sharing kisses and building a bomb. We'll set it off like Microsoft in '94.”

“McDonald's PlayPlace before the Xbox, cake frosting, sweet talking, bedroom wall, covered in knives, touching God, burning shit. We'll make a wish and take a trip to Future Town like our daddy did.”

“Have you ever wanted to be, have you ever wanted to see someone better in the mirror? Have you ever wanted to go, have you ever wanted to know somewhere greener, somewhere cleaner. I bet you got something beautiful in mind.”

“I can’t handle astounding works of beauty. I think I like my pretty pretty ugly but the beautiful soul I witnessed in that movie was an entirely different kind of overwhelming. It was a dog that won’t stop barking. Like a cut that never stops bleeding. Arizona sunsets in the early evening. Or a grown man inconsolably weeping.”

“I am the Kool-Aid stains on the mouth of a kid whose name is most likely Cody. He had a juice box for breakfast and he carries a stick that he most likely found in the alley. Cody doesn't have friends and his parents hate each other and he wants to find a better way to love his family and after school he hangs out in the abandoned house behind the Arby's.”

The Bible 2 (2016)

“Oh, I love you cause I love you cause I can.”

“On your last night at Saint Mary's you were way too intoxicated to breathe. So I used your ribs as ladders and I climbed up on your chest and I jumped up and down just like a trampoline.”

“Confused and rude. Such a special kind of way to be cruel.”

“If I were one of the things, I'd be american garbage. The most beautiful thing. The most beautiful american garbage you have ever seen.”

“No more shame, no more fear, no more dread.”

“And if you don't want to feel the feeling, no one should ever make you feel the feeling.”

“I thought I saw you before I knew who you were.”

“I just wanted to rage but all I got was tired”

“I showed him all the books that I was raised on. Your Madeleine L'Engle(s) and D'Aulaires' Mythologies.”

“And his eyes became a beacon, an LCD projector, broadcasting all my memories in a clear and vivid picture. His tongue became a staircase, his uvula - The knocker of an ornate wooden door that lead me straight into my future. His throat became a hallway with a thousand baby pictures and I became forgiveness, I transformed into the closure that I lost when I learned about the tragedy of all of us. I lost it when I learned about the tragedy of all of us.”

Good Luck Everybody (2019)

“If you don't give it to them they'll starve to death and that's alright.”

“I've got the normalization blues, this isn't normal, this isn't good.”

“I'm detached and I'm distracted, all keyed up but unproductive, vacillating between being all excited and disgusted and then dozing lackadaisically in this bubble where I've made my mental home. Connection's more important now than it ever was, but I'd rather be alone.”

“And when we talk about the president, we're either pissed off or we're giggling about an atrocity he's committing or some stupid shit he's tweeting. He's a symptom and a weapon of the evil men who really run the show. The ones who melt down human beings into money like a cruel Sorcerer's Stone.”

“This is the golden age of dickotry, probably the last golden age of anything, and the ugliest word in the English language is anthropocene. Good luck, everybody. Good luck.”

“But before that, you'll be a doormat, for every vicious narcissist in the world. Oh how they'll screw you, all up and over, then feed you silence for dessert.”

“I'm sorry that you have to have a body, filled with infection, one hundred scabs singing in unison, eyes and hands, sometimes bullets, uninvited, passing through us.”

“Oh to be awake for such a shitty dream. A bullet in the head of every decent thing.”

“The lake of dead black children that America created is getting fuller than the founding Fathers even wanted. The ghost of great America was underestimated and now it rages like a cold sore on the lip of this dumb nation. Again we've slipped inside a pit of absolute despair. That's where we live.”

“Rewarding our worst cruelty, they destroyed our shared reality, and now they upsell us our dignity like some fucked VIP package.”

“There is no absolute, these days there's no such thing as truth and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“I'm a burnout and a fool, oblivious to all I do. I move my lips when I read and breathe with my mouth open, wide open. Timid, meek, and cruel, this is the best that I can do. I need to speak my truth, yet here I'm broken wide, wide open. My resentment, big and strong, and all the things that I can't change. They'll buckle me beneath the weight. I will drive myself insane with all the things that I can't change. I hate all the things that I can't change.”

“You're a loudmouth and a tool, and as it turns out I am too, and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“Because I know that you know what I need more than me and I know that you need me more than that.”

“For all the pussies you grab and the children you lock up in prison, for all the rights you roll back and your constant stream of racism, for all the poison you drip in my ear, for all your ugly American fear. I wrote you this beautiful song called Psychic Warfare.”

“I hate you with all of my heart. I hate you with all of my art.”

“I went back to the desert, little Midwest in me, and now I am colder than I used to be. I live in a fortress the shape of my body, and now there's a coldness, and it's shaped like me. Now I don't suffer any more bullshit gladly. Even though everything's bullshit now, here in 2019 and you can bet it's gonna be a bunch of bullshit too out in sweet 2020 or whenever this album's released.”

[lahi-n-delilah]

Hello Tumblr. For some reason over the past week this blog has been getting 50-60 new followers a day, which has been... mind blowing? Also REALLY CONFUSING??

However you found yourself here, welcome to roughly 200+ new people. You’ve found yourself here at rather a depressing point—both Lahi and Delilah have now passed, as of this month.

I do plan to continue with this blog. I started it not just as a pet blog for Lahi and Delilah, but also as an educational blog about rabbits, hoping to help teach some things both from what I’ve learned and through stories of how I came to learn it.

So for some of you, here’s an important first lesson: (European) rabbits are intensely social animals. In the wild they will live in large groups of sometimes 100 individuals or more. In captivity, they form extremely codependent bonds, usually in pairs.

A rabbit in isolation is a rabbit that is suffering immensely. Don’t argue on this point. There are actual laws in many countries forbidding rabbits and other social animals being kept by themselves. It’s considered inhumane for social animals to be denied social stimulation.

Some rabbits can be kept very happily alone, bonded to their human—but they do need a bond.

And here’s something that I think anyone who has two bunnies needs to know: they can die of grief.

When Lahi’s sister Picca passed away, he became extremely depressed. Stopped playing, stopped eating, became very listless and lethargic. I have no doubt he would have quickly followed his sister, except by serendipity I had acquired Delilah by that point and she was essentially throwing herself at poor Lahi. Her sheer determination to shower him with love gave him the strength to pull out of his grief and keep living. In the end, he lived almost double the lifespan of his sister before cancer took him last December.

When that happened, I was older and wiser—I took his body home, and allowed Delilah time to sit with him and come to terms with what had happened. This is something that is important to all animals that lose a close family member, because we can’t tell them what happened. They need time with the body to process it and help them grieve. From Lahi’s point of view, one day his sister was there, and the next she wasn’t, and he would never know why. That likely contributed a great deal to his immense grief.

When Lahi passed, Delilah was there with him, to comfort him and help him go peacefully. That was for his sake. For her sake, I brought him home. I laid him down, and in the quiet and safety of their home, gave her time with him. At first Delilah was very distressed, digging and nipping at his body. This only lasted a short while, before she began grooming him, and then lay down next to him and stayed there for several hours. This is typical behaviour many people have described in their own rabbits.

After a couple of hours, she got up, left his body, and thereafter completely ignored it. She had accepted that he was gone, that his body was empty. I knew then it was okay to take him back to the clinic for aftercare arrangements.

I didn’t go out and find Delilah a new partner, and I’ll forever regret that. I was out of work, paying vet bills for both Delilah’s ear abscesses and Lahi’s cancer had been crippling, and I didn’t think it was responsible to get another rabbit until I had better income to support medical costs. Then the pandemic hit, and by that point she had started bonding more strongly to me, hopping into my lap for hour long cuddles. I hoped she would be okay until I could financially support a second rabbit.

I was wrong.

Her abscesses got worse. The bacteria was becoming more resistant to different types of antibiotics, and was eventually diagnosed as full-on MRSA. She developed facial paralysis and permanent nerve damage, and went on more and more meds.

End of March/early April she suddenly dropped half her weight and had to be hospitalized for 5 days for extreme muscle wasting and emaciation. Every diagnostic test we could throw at her found nothing that could have caused this. That was probably the beginning of the end, and I think I knew it even then. I began reaching out to local rescues asking about fostering, but was stumped by misunderstandings around the protocols of fostering vs adopting, and let the communication drop. Delilah’s vet bills started mounting again.

We fought long and hard but when she started crashing at the beginning of this month, the list of things wrong with her wasn’t fitting on one page anymore—and the cause of a lot of it was still unknown. She lasted almost a year without her husbun, but I think that in the end... she just gave up. Delilah couldn’t continue on without Lahi.

Losing Lahi hurt like losing a child. I had him nearly all 13 years of his life. He was my little boy. It was agony.

Losing Delilah too is breaking me.

Don’t let anyone say that losing a pet isn’t equivalent to losing a family member. Your fur child is an integral part of your everyday life. Every single day I find myself attributing odd noises to bunny mischief, only to have to push back a fresh wave of grief as I remember. In quiet moments I find myself listening for the sounds of bunny feet that will never come. The holes in my life are gaping and raw and ripping me apart

I know one day it will get better. One day I will be in a better place, and open my heart and my home to new rabbits. But for now... my empty arms ache, and I grieve

[starlightrevolution]

The Butterfly of Terror

The Butterfly of Terror

Sanctuary, Greece:

“I am once again passing by your temple.” Pearl declared, as she made her way up the steps leading to the second of the Twelve Temples. “Taurus Amethyst.”

“Hey, P.” Amethyst greeted her. “Are you going back to the Pisces temple?”

“I was planning on guarding the entrances to the Sanctuary, but the Pope ordered Sagittarius to do so instead.” Pearl explained. “All I can do right now is go back to guarding my Temple, and wait for further orders.”

“Connie didn’t come back yet, did she?” Amethyst asked, as Pearl stopped walked.

“Yeah, she has not.” Pearl declared. “It’s been almost an hour since the Bronze Saints left for that mission. They should have returned by now.”

“Are you planning on going after her?”

“I can’t.” Pearl declared, as she looked up to see the Twelve Temples, one for each Gold Saint, representing each zodiac sign. “We, the Gold Saints, are the most powerful soldiers under Athena. Now that the Holy War has begun, it is our job to protect her at all costs. We can’t afford to have even a single Gold Saint leave in a time like this.”

“Really?” Amethyst asked, as she also looked over the Twelve Temples. “I think there is a certain someone who hasn’t heard the news.”

“You mean Cancer, don’t you?” Pearl asked. “She’s completely insane. No matter what message we send her, she almost never shows up, and even when she does, she never does anything useful and only gets in the way. She acts like protecting Athena was a complete joke.”

“I’m not talking about her.” Amethyst commented, as Pearl turned to her. “Aren’t you feeling this strange absence? A Cosmo that should be there, but simply isn’t?”

Pearl carefully looked over the Twelve Temples, one temple at a time, before her eyes widened in surprise.

“That temple! It is completely empty!” Pearl declared in surprise. “She is not in there!”

“She was the last person I expected to just vanish at a time like this.” Amethyst declared. “She spends most of her time inside her temple, meditating and gathering her Cosmo. Makes me wonder where she could have gone.”

“The Saint who among all Saints is considered to be the closest to God. Has she abandoned us at a time like this?” Pearl asked in surprise. “The Saint of the sixth temple! Virgo!”

===============================================

Death Queen Island:

“I’ve been through hell, and now I’ve come for you, Papillon Myu!” Patricia declared as she pointed towards the Specter.

“How is it possible that you reached me?” Myu asked in curiosity, as his multicolored butterflies began flying around his body. “My butterflies have been watching over the entire island. I have been keeping a watch on everyone’s location ever since this battle began.”

“Look again.” Patricia declared, as Myu closed his eyes to look at the beach where the Cygnus Saint should still be laying unconscious, to see the figure on the ground was actually a perfect ice statue shaped exactly like Patricia. “I noticed your butterflies the moment I woke up on that beach. All I had to do was use my ice to trick your eyes.”

“Clever… but not clever enough.” Myu declared in a mocking tone. “You had the opportunity to escape and live, but instead you walked right into your own death.”

“That’s a lot of talk coming from a little butterfly.” Patricia declared.

“Joke while you can.” Myu declared as he opened his eyes and stared at Patricia with a calm expression. “Two of the four Bronze Saints that invaded this island have already been eliminated. After I am done with you, there will only be one enemy left.”

===============================================

“Hm… Damn it…” Jeff groaned as he opened his eyes. He brought his hand to his face for a moment, before getting up and looking around for a few seconds. He seemed to have landed right in the middle of a large open area. His entire body was hurting, but he had no time to waste, as he turned to a nearby mountain and began running towards it. “You three better not be dead! I still want to see your faces again!”

===============================================

“Diamond Dust!” Patricia declared as she punched the air, releasing a powerful blast of cold air towards Myu, who swiftly blocked it with one of his hands, as the wound in Patricia’s head opened and began bleeding. “Curse you, Moses! Burning my Cosmo is affecting my blood flow! My wounds are reopening!”

“My turn!” Myu declared, as Patricia suddenly felt as if a powerful force had just taken a hold of her body, and her limbs began moving by themselves. Her arms twisted as she felt like they were about to break, just as her legs completely froze in place, and she felt as if her head was trying to jump out of her neck.

“W-what is going on?” Patricia asked in surprise as she grinded her teeth in pain. “I feel like my body is being torn apart by an invisible force!”

“Surprised?” Myu asked sarcastically. “I, Papillon Myu, hold the greatest telekinetic powers among all Terrestrial Stars serving under Lord Hades. My powers are such that I could easily immobilize a Silver Saint with a single glance.”

Patricia struggled to move, trying to stop herself from yelling in pain as her limbs simply refused to obey her. Myu took a few steps towards her, as she felt every bone in her body about to snap. Patricia began burning her Cosmo, as the wound in her head continued to bleed.

“Which one should I break first? Your little arms or your little legs? Maybe I should simply shatter your spine.” Myu declared in a mocking tone. “Just tearing your head off would not be any fun, would it? Maybe I should just shred your body to pieces in a single second. I wonder what sound you would make.”

Myu stopped walking, as his eyes widened in slight surprise. Patricia closed her hands into fists, as she gathered all of her strength and began forcing her limbs to obey her. Patricia felt her wounds continuing to open all over her body. She forced her feet to take steps towards Myu, even as her bones felt like they were about to shatter, before she pulled her arm back and prepared to throw a punch towards Myu, only for the Specter to wave his hand, and Patricia’s body to be sent flying towards a nearby large stone.

“Impressive. This is the first time one of my opponents was ever able to resist my telekinesis.” Myu declared, as Patricia struggled to get back to her feet, her body wet with blood as she felt like her entire skeleton was about to fall apart. “I guess it is only fair I bestow upon you a much more terrifying fate.”

Patricia got back to her feet, being carefully not to fall down once again, as she prepared her fists and began burning her white Cosmo once again.

“Don’t make me laugh. Do you really think you can defeat me in such a state?” Myu asked. “Your Cloth is about to fall apart, and you’re suffering from major blood loss. Just lay down and accept death.”

“Shut your mouth!” Patricia declared angrily. She looked up to the sky for a few seconds. She couldn’t see the sun. she was supposed to pray five times a day, but she probably already missed a few because of all of this mess. She continued to burn her Cosmo, doing her best to ignore the pain in the back of her skull. “I wear this Cloth because I promised to protect the world from the likes of you. Even if I lose all of my blood, or my limbs, or even if I am face to face with death, I must continue fighting, and be the light of hope that shines in this world of darkness!”

“Light of hope, hm? Very well.” Myu declared, as he summoned several butterflies around himself. “Let’s snuff you out!”

Myu fired his butterflies towards Patricia, which flew with incredible speeds towards the Bronze Saint. Patricia suddenly found herself unable to move, as the butterflies froze her in place, before she saw a powerful rainbow-colored light shining around her, and screamed as the light engulfed her entire body.

“Deadly Enchantment!”  Myu declared. “The light from my beautiful butterflies can teleport the target directly to the world of the dead. Once you enter that place, it is impossible to return. That is, unless you have permission from Lord Hades, like us Specters.”

“Kol'tso.” Myu heard, before he looked down to see several small crystals of ice flying around his body. He moved his eyes, to see Patricia was standing just a few meters away from him. “Those ice crystals will paralyze your movements.”

“What? Impossible!” Myu declared in surprise. “You’ve returned from death?”

“I was never sent there in the first place.” Patricia declared, as she approached the Specter. “I was trained from childhood to use my Cosmo to slow down the movements of the atoms around me using my Cosmo, thus resulting in a sudden drop in temperature. My entire fighting style revolves around restraining movement. Escaping a paralyzing technique as simple as your butterflies was never a problem to me. I got out of the way right before you could fire your light.”

“I must say, I am impressed. You are the first person I’ve met to have ever escaped my Deadly Enchantment.” Myu declared with a smile.

“Don’t be cocky.” Patricia declared. “Now you are the one who are paralyzed.”

“Is that what you think?” Myu asked sarcastically, as his eyes began glowing in rainbow light, and a powerful telekinetic push flew out of his body, breaking the ice crystals around him to pieces, and sending Patricia flying. “Those little crystals are nothing compared to my mighty telekinesis!”

“What a violent attack! He just blew right through my ice!” Patricia declared as she looked up in surprise. She looked up to see Myu calmly walking towards her. “Even though he shows a calm demeanor, behind it he hides just as much rage and brutality as any other Specter!”

“I am going to kill you now.” Myu declared.

“You are trying to crush my spirit, but I won’t let that happen…” Patricia declared as she managed to push herself back up, her legs feeling like they were about to shatter under the weight of her body. She continued to burn her Cosmo, as she once again felt that same sharp pain coming from the wound Moses had made in the back of her head. “I will show you something that shines brighter than those hellish butterflies! The light of my Cosmo in the shape of a thundering aurora!”

“You fool! Trying to use such a power will affect your blood flow! Even if you do manage to hit me, you will bleed out for sure!” Myu declared as he once again fired his butterflies towards Patricia. “Deadly Enchantment!”

“Holodnyj Smerč!” Patricia declared, as she punched the air, and a gigantic hurricane of air flew out of her fist, freezing its way right through the butterflies, before shattering them to pieces and flying towards Myu.

“What? But how can she muster such powerful Cosmo? She should be bleeding out for sure!” Myu asked, before he looked at Patricia, and his eyes widened upon seeing the frozen spot right in the back of her head. “She froze the wound to stop the blood from coming out!”

“Die, Specter!” Patricia declared, as the gigantic hurricane struck Myu directly, sending him flying into the air, as snow began falling down from the sky. Patricia stood for a few seconds as the hurricane dissipated, before the frozen spot in the back of her head once again broke open, blood flowing out, before she fell to her knees in pain. “Damn it… I lost too much blood… I might actually end up dying today…”

“Did you really think it was going to be this easy?” Patricia heard, before she looked up, her vision beginning to black out, as she saw Myu’s multicolored wings flapping, and the Specter gently landed right in front of her, several rainbow butterflies surrounding his body. “That last move surely was impressive. Had it not been for my butterflies pulling me out of the hurricane, I would have been killed for sure. You Bronze Saints sure are something.”

“Damn it…” Patricia whispered, as she once again forced herself to stand up. It felt like the entire world around her was spinning as she got into her fighting stance.

“Considering the amount of blood you’ve lost with that last attack, it should not take much to kill you.” Myu declared calmly. “If you don’t stop bleeding, you’ll probably only have a few more minutes to live. Even something as small as a cut will put your life at risk.”

“If I’m going to die here, then so be it.�� Patricia declared, feeling herself about to faint. “I’ll go to hell pridefully knowing that I fought to protect the world.”

“Very well.” Myu declared. “Then I will be your executioner.”

“Blood… stay in my veins just a little longer…” Patricia thought to herself, as she looked up to see Myu’s Cosmo changing shape, making it appear like a massive butterfly was behind him, just as her own Cosmo took the shape of a massive swan behind her. “It’s not time for you to leave yet…”

“One finger.” Myu declared, as he held up his index finger. “This is all I need to kill you. For the rest of the fight, this one finger is all I am going to use.”

“Quit with your non-sense!” Patricia declared, before she dashed as fast as she could and threw a punch towards Myu, Cosmo surrounding her fist as she struck the Specter directly on his chest, a large flash of light emanating from her fist, before the light dissipated, and Patricia’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Is that all your rage can muster?” Myu asked, not even bothering to block, as Patricia’s punch had absolutely no effect. “Pathetic.”

Before Patricia could react, her back struck a nearby large rock, and she felt to the ground. It was if an immensely powerful force had just thrown her away, so fast that she could not perceive it. Patricia looked up, to see Myu was still holding up his finger. Had he struck her with it? Patricia tried to get back up, when Myu suddenly vanished, and a powerful force once again tossed Patricia away. Patricia looked up, to see Myu standing over her, pointing his finger towards her face.

“First I’ll take your arm.” Myu declared, before he pierced through Patricia’s left arm with his finger. Patricia screamed in pain as the bone in her arm broke, and the shoulder of her Cloth exploded to pieces, before Myu pulled his finger out, and the wound he had left began bleeding. Patricia reached for the wound and held it closed. If she let Myu continued to open wounds in her, she would bleed out in minutes. Myu leaped away as Patricia tried to get back up, only to fall to her knees. “You must have trouble moving now. Your body feels heavy, doesn’t it? Is your head spinning? It is amazing you can even stand.”

Myu once again disappeared. Patricia looked around for a few seconds, before looking up to see Myu standing on top of a large rock, looking down at her as his butterflies surrounded his body.

“You had no hope of ever defeating me after the wounds you received in your battle against Moses.” Myu declared. “Why did you even come to fight in such a state?”

“I already told you…” Patricia answered as she breathed heavily. “It is my job as a Saint to save the world from the likes of you!”

“You are a fool.” Myu declared, as he pointed his finger towards Patricia, his telekinetic powers making her scream in agony, as she felt a sharp pain striking every spot of her body at once. “Die with your pathetic honor, Saint.”

“Master…” Patricia thought, as she grinded her teeth and clenched her right hand into a fist, and began burning her Cosmo with as much intensity as she could. She held both of her hands up as she looked up at Myu, before she leaped towards him with all of the strength she had left. “I am sorry… I think this is the end for me…”

===============================================

Siberia, four years earlier:

“I must not burn my Cosmo to the limit?” Patricia asked, as she sat around a small fire, alongside her master.

“Not if your body is heavily damaged.” Garnet declared, her shades covering her facial expression. “Your Cosmo is powerful enough to drop the temperature in an area so large that it reaches up to the clouds. You could even make it snow in the desert if you so desired.”

Garnet looked up to the stars for a moment, staring towards the constellations, before turning to Patricia.

“When such power flows through your body, it affects your blood. The explosion of your Cosmo makes your entire blood flow in reverse, even if just for a second.” Garnet explained. “If you use such power while debilitated, the cells of your body will not be able to withstand the sudden impact, and will begin to die out. Your veins won’t be able to hold the intensity of your own blood, and will burst themselves open. Your blood will begin to pour out from all over your body.”

Patricia looked down upon her own hands, which began glowing slightly with Cosmo.

“In the exact moment you strike your enemy…” Garnet declared. “Your life will end.”

===============================================

Death Queen Island, Present day:

“Burn, my Cosmo! Burn towards infinity!” Patricia declared after leaping towards Myu. The Specter looked at her, before his eyes widened in shock, as all of the veins in Patricia’s body suddenly exploded, and several large wounds formed all over her body, blood flying out of every single opening in her skin.

“You idiot!” Myu yelled in shock. “What is the point of winning if you lose your own life?”

Patricia did not answer, as she continued to fly towards Myu, her blood hitting the ground like raindrops, as the Cosmo burning around her body took the shape of a flying swan heading towards the Specter. Myu raised his arm to block in desperation, which Patricia struck, swiftly shattering the arm of Myu’s Surplice to pieces, before the impact of her fist struck Myu’s head through his arm, shattering Myu’s helmet and sending pieces flying everywhere, before Myu’s entire body flew away and hit a nearby large rock, the rock exploding to pieces.

“Goodbye…” Patricia whispered, as she fell face first to the stone ground, her blood still falling into a large puddle beneath her. Patricia closed her eyes, before she heard the sound of footsteps, and once again opened her eyes in shock, and looked up to see Myu walking towards her. “He… he’s alive…”

“Never before in my life… have I ever felt a greater pain than the one you just made me go through…” Myu whispered, as his calm demeanor suddenly shattered, and he dashed towards Patricia with nothing but pure hate in his eyes. “It hurt!”

Myu kicked Patricia up from the ground, sending her flying upwards, before striking her several times in midair, and sending her back to the ground. Myu approached the Bronze Saint, before stomping on her broken arm, making her scream in pain, following it with several kicks.

“Now die! Go to hell where you belong, and suffer the punishment brought upon you by Lord Hades!” Myu declared, as he punched right through the chest plate of the Cygnus Cloth, and torn right through Patricia’s chest. In a last-ditch effort, Patricia closed her fist and struck Myu’s arm, which was no longer protected by the now shattered arm of the Surplice. Myu screamed in pain, as his arm shattered, before he pulled his arm in surprise. “Damn you! Do you not ever give up?”

Myu looked down at Patricia’s body, as the hole he had made on her chest began bleeding intensely.

“Doesn’t matter. This must have been the last bit of strength you had left in your body. Even if you could still fight, you wouldn’t even be able to kill an ant with your punches.” Myu declared, as he looked over Patricia’s bleeding body. Myu looked over his arm, which Patricia had just broken, before he pulled his other arm and prepared to throw a punch. “How dare an insignificant pest such as you break my bones? I will cut your head off!”

Myu threw a punch, but stopped before his fist could make contact with Patricia’s head.

“This is worthless. She is already dead.” Myu declared, as Patricia closed her eye and stopped moving, the puddle of blood beneath her becoming large enough to touch Myu’s feet. Myu turned around and began walking away, leaving bloody footsteps in his way. “Now there is only one Saint left out of the four invaders. That Silver Saint that Lord Hades brought back to life should take care of him quickly. After that, I can finally be done with this mission.”

Myu looked down at his broken arm once again.

“But my pride will be forever tarnished by this pest!” Myu whispered in anger as he walked away from Patricia’s dead body. Unknown to Myu was a small detail, a little glimmer of light reflecting from a small object, located right inside the hole Myu had made on Patricia’s chest, which continued to glimmer as the Bronze Saint remained immobile.

===============================================

“Alright, what do we have here?” Jeff commented as he finally reached the top of the mountain. From a high place, it would be easier to look over the area and find the others. Jeff stopped walking, as he saw the silhouettes of two Saints standing right in the middle of the top of the mountain. “Hey! Pegasus! Andromeda!”

Jeff began calmly making his way towards the two.

“I was searching for you guys. Is Cygnus with you too? I’ve just ben running around on my own ever since those Silver Saints appeared.” Jeff commented as he approached his two fellow Saints, before he suddenly stopped walking, and took a few steps back in surprise. “You are… this can’t be…”

Jeff stared in shock at the two Saints, who had been transformed into stone statues.

“You two were turned to stone!” Jeff declared in surprise. Jeff turned around, to see a bright light flying towards him, which quickly engulfed his entire body.

“It is done.” Declared the Silver Saint, before he took a few steps towards the statues, showing that the bright light had actually come from the eyes of the shield that was glued to his arm, which was shaped like a woman with snakes in her hair. “I, Perseus Algol, have turned all of our enemies into stone with my Medusa Shield. Now nothing will stand between us and the eternal life that was promised by Lord Hades.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Algol heard, before he opened his eyes, to see Jeff standing in a battle position. “I, Dragon Jeff, will now be your opponent!”

“What? Impossible!” Algol declared in surprise. “Nobody who looks into the eyes of the Medusa has lived to tell the tale!”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but it seems like not even the mighty Medusa can get past my unbreakable shield!” Jeff declared, as he showed the shield that was glued to his arm. “The most powerful defense among all Bronze Cloths! The Dragon Shield!”

“You blocked the light from the eyes of the Medusa with your shield?” Algol asked in surprise. “Clever, but you only delayed your death by a few more moments. We Silver Saints are a hundred times more powerful than you Bronze Saints on average. You have no hope of ever defeating me.”

“Oh yeah? Let’s see about that!” Jeff declared, as he held his shield with one hand and prepared to attack with the other. “I’ll show you what happens when you anger the dragon!”

Has the Medusa Shield met its match in this battle against the Dragon Shield? The immovable object now faces the unstoppable force!

To be continued.

Status:

Pegasus Connie: Inactive.

Dragon Jeff: Active.

Cygnus Patricia: Dead.

Andromeda Daniel: Inactive.

Lizard Misty: Dead.

Cetus Moses: Dead.

Cerberus Dante: Dead.

Perseus Algol: Active.

Worm Laimi: Dead. Awaiting resurrection.

Papillon Myu: Active.

Author’s note: It seems like our beautiful swan of ice has bit the dust. Patricia was a character that I really liked to write for. Hyoga was one of my favorite characters in the original Saint Seiya, and I certainly loved to be able to add my own spin on it. Patricia was also the first Muslim character I ever tried to write for. Did I do a good job? Don’t forget to keep your eyes open for the next chapter, because now it all relies on the Dragon.

[terradisirene]

Recently I saw an essay about how Hima’s portrayal of the Italy brothers was racist and xenophobic, in addition to being poor and one dimensional, and I couldn’t agree less.

Link to google docs version

Also although I prefer Romano I honestly think North Italy  is a interesting and well developed character  although that is easy to miss for some. Both of them are developed and shown wonderfully in canon and I continue to be eager to see more. In this essay I will show why I believe their portrayals are well done and how they are accurate to the situation in Italy as well as to it’s history and culture (That being said if you prefer a different interpretation that’s fine, there can be many different narratives)

North Italy does seem at first glance to be more talented, kind, and politically inclined. However this is not the entire story. Likewise Romano seems more rude and undesirable, but this is not everything in canon regarding him. In one strip Romano is noted to have a good deal of potential by Prussia and Germany, showing that he can be hard working and talented if he makes the effort. In the strip where Romano goes to America he also is quite confident in his cooking talents which America is actually impressed by. In another strip America even calls his cooking the best, and Romano himself is in later decades proud of his cooking, showing that yes he is good at things, and yes he is talented.

The problem is is that Romano does not have to motivation often to use his talents and work ethic. There are many reasons for this that Himaruya both states and alludes to. Firstly Himaruya states that being owned by various powers had a negative effect on Romano and that mismanagement by his rulers lead him to seem lazy since their mismanaged ruling rubbed off on him. Basically political control, corruption , and mismanagement stymied south Italy’s growth, which is true depending on the era and time period and  true regarding modern day. Also in one strip after Romano makes an effort to work hard, but all his efforts come to nothing and he eventually grows resigned. I believe this is a reflection of the fact that there is an attitude among some south Italians of resignation towards politicians and things improving for themselves,  such as shown in the song La Citta di Pulcinella (translation). Himaruya also touches on this when he notes the harmful affect the Mafia has on south Italy in his notes and even laments that fact.

Basically Romano has the potential  to be just as good as north Italy but is unable to be because of historical circumstances and due to the harmful effect of corruption. Romano’s rudeness and lack of evident kindness and cynical worldview is also a result of this as he has been at the mercy of the mafia both in real life and in canon. Hima notes his cynicism is due to the harmful effects of the mafia and how they have hurt him . Romano in my opinion has reason to be rude, he has reason to be unkind, he has reason to be cynical, the mafia continues to be a serious  issue and was even worse in the past, and thus his world view has been affected by how he has suffered at their hands. He also has to deal with the fact that he feels he is compared to north Italy, and openly  feels and says he is not good enough or talented enough compared to him. This is based in reality. The north is often seen as better than the south and indeed it is more wealthy, does have better infrastructure, x does have more industry and renown and Romano is clearly sour because of this. Himaruya showing someone reacting negatively towards adverse circumstances i think is not a negative stereotype but just showing the harmful effects of the situation of the south. Romano is not totally unkind either. Despite their conflicts he does care about his brother, he  often  shows  a lot  concern  for  Spain  and worries about him, he is kind to women generally , and has some nations he is friendly with like Japan  Netherlands and Belgium . So in sum hima does not show Romano as unkind, but as a complex being who can be both kind and unkind like many people.

The south is seen as a land of little opportunity, dirty, unclean and full of crime by the north that is true, however sadly that perception has some  perception in reality. For example many southerners leave the south to find work up north and stay there. This even happens to one of the protagonists of Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan novels and it is seen as escaping Naples to make a better life for herself while the other protagonist  stays stuck in Naples, stunted by the lack of opportunity and male oppression that she struggles against all her life. Naples also  sadly has a serious trash  problem as does Rome, there is even a facebook page titled “Rome is disgusting” in Italian showing the trash  problems of Rome. The mafia also   dumps  toxic  waste  around Naples, leading to high rates of sickness and cancer in the population compared to other parts of Italy due to the fact that the toxic waste seeps into the ground water and the plants grown around the area.

Romano feels interior to North Italy and seems so at first glance because that is a reflection of the sad situation of the divide between north and south. However again note I said ‘at first glance’, because while many write off the south at first glance there is a richness and beautify behind that with its rich culture and the beauty of it’s people, as there is with Romano, which I note with his hidden and subtle  kindness in canon .

Romano’s Arabic blood and darker appearance is due the fact that Arabs from north Africa invaded Sicily, ruled there for about two hundred years, and left a lasting cultural legacy behind there. It makes sense he has Arabic blood, as well as the fact that some, though not all, southern Italians do have a darker complexation (some also have red hair, blonde hair, hazel eyes, or blue eyes, due to Norman influence too). However that doesn’t mean they are poc (in Italy persone di colore is used instead) and even though Romano does have some Arabic blood frankly he would not be seen as non white in Italy. I don’t really think it’s right to bring up a poc argument in regards to him given that. In addition to that Italy also has a problem regarding xenophobia and  racism in regards to African immigrants and Romani and many suffer and are marginalized there, something Romano would not experience in that regard. Romano is also noted to have a “Darker” nature, but this is again because of the mafia. He is affected and blighted by them, it’s not a reference to his coloring but to his cynicism and how they have drained him and his people of the prosperity they could have had otherwise. He is also noted to be “dirtier” not in the sense of being messy or unclean but in how his image looks, and the expressions he makes, this is a reference to the south’s rougher and more intense nature. It’s often said that the more  south you go, the more intense and more of the nature of Italy you get and indeed the south of Italy is often said to be a love it or hate it place.

There is also additional canon reasons for Romano’s bitterness and darker personality like how he feels Rome favored north Italy  (There may be historical reasons for this but I am limiting this essay to what is stated openly or alluded to more obviously in canon) and how he seems to feel haunted by his legacy. And as for other nations favoring North Italy over him, some do not like Spain and Belgium, and the the fact that some seem to is also sadly reflective of reality as many people only pay attention to or visit the north of Italy, neglecting or avoiding the south and only looking at the cities of Venice, Florence and Milan and not Palermo, Naples, or Caligari.

While the two brothers did not meet in Rome’s lifetime there is no indication this lasted until the Italian wars during the 1500′s portrayed in the canon strips . In fact during Spain’s rule of south Italy shortly after Romano is shown mentioning he is going to travel to visit his brother so they clearly had met by this point. Due to the nature of canon himaruya jumps across time periods often and so we do not always see everything that occurs within or before a certain time period. Sometimes he returns  later, and sometimes he does not, though he could in the future. As for North Italy’s reactions to his struggles people have different reactions to hard situations, and that is not wrong, not everyone will struggle in the same way. It’s not something that indicates a lack of character but just a personality facet. Not everything has to contribute to development and that doesn’t mean a uninteresting or uncomplex character. Some people are simply affected differently by traumatic events. That being said I find it interesting he seems to hold a deep fear of angering others as well as some fear of abandonment .

We will turn to North Italy again. Yes he is cute, but that is not all his character is. He is far more than that. He is kind , he is intelligent , he is noted to be good at business, he is also fashionable  and knows how to get what he   wants out of people, he also can  be a bit  vulgar sometimes. He also was good at warfare when he was a child, and if one looks into the time period of the strips it seems he lessens in his ability the longer he is under Austria’s domain. He is also good at art, he is good at cooking, and he is  even also not exactly the nicest person .

I have noticed that many people miss this but sometimes he is actually a little sneaky and mean . This is most evident with Romano actually. In one of their first appearances together when Romano asks Italy to complement him Italy outright refuses, backs away, and as a result makes Romano cry more than he had before and he flies off. In another comic Italy goes up to Romano, seems surprised he is working, and Romano is visibly hurt by this, he also seems to even doubt Romano’s ability to even do so, offering to do work for him which Romano is bothered by . Finally Italy has been shown to get outright angry at Romano at times, in one drawing he is yelling at Romano over the Venice independence referendum, saying Romano doesn’t want him around anyways . While North Italy does love his brother he clearly is not the nicest person to him at times which does little to motivate Romano to do much of anything, and sadly North Italy does not treat him as a equal really given how condescending he can sometimes be. He also is a little rude to Japan at times, like when they are in the bath, sort of hinting he thinks Japan has a small dick.  In addition to this he is pretty sneaky and sometimes even flirty in regards to Germany and is able to really get Germany to do whatever he wants, though this is more evident in World Stars  .

As for everyone liking him in the past he and Turkey were antagonistic, with Turkey stating he hated kids as a result of him (And Greece), and Austria was often angry and frustrated with   him. In modern times Belarus has shown aggression to him when he  tried to feel her chest and was visibly angry with good reason to be. The other girls didn’t allow him to do so either, but all had various reactions. From Monaco and Belgium not taking him seriously and gloating over their superior gambling and waffles respectively  to Wy giving him rather done look and telling him to buzz off, to Taiwan being upset and telling him off, Vietnam having none of it and glaring at him, to the most surprising of them all, Ukraine openly flirting with him and giving him a seductive gaze he is a little intimidated by . His relationships are clearly not predictable but are interesting and fun to see and clearly not everyone thinks he is cute or is willing to put up with him especially the girls ironically. Switzerland too shows little tolerance for Italy’s antics, but is willing to spend time him civilly as long as he behaves himself , Russia too has gotten impatient with him at times, and so has Japan. And as for France he’s a interesting case, since at times he can be brotherly towards Italy  but at the same time is also willing to tell him off, like when he actually hit him for asking for the Mona Lisa back. People like Italy, but not everyone does and even those who like him don’t like him all the time.

Frankly I think their characters make perfect sense. Romano’s anger and resentment is rooted in many things. In how people compare him and his brother, on his brother’s lackluster treatment of him, in the oppressions of the mafia, the years of being ruled over by other nations, and by poverty, neglect, and corrupt politics. North Italy for his part is frustrated by Romano and often doesn’t understand him and thinks his brother his weighing him down, though he fails to see how he is also contributing to his brother’s resignation and lack of self worth. He instead tries to work hard and do his best, while sucking up to others and making himself seem charming and pleasing to get what he wants and not make others angry at him. In fact he seems to have a deep and pressing fear of others being angry at him.

In sum I think canon does a good job with both of their characters. It shows them in a humorous nature in accordance with the genre of the strips while still leaving room for character complexity along with historical and cultural references and allusions, as well as reflecting both aspects of the historical and modern situation of north and south Italy depending on what time period the strip is set. Romano is shown to be rude, difficult, sometimes violent, and darker, however these are only traits that come as a result of the abandonment of Rome, the poverty and corruption of his land,  and the malign influence and harm of the mafia affecting him. In addition to this he is also sometimes kind, fun loving, emotional, sensitive,  a hard worker when he tries to be, is shown to be a talented cook, someone with a good deal of potential, and someone who has people who like him like Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, and Japan. On the other hand Italy is shown to yes, be kind and cute, but canon also shows him to be  flirty, sneaky, angry, resentful, intelligent, and even a little rude at times. Many people like him, but not all do, for example Belarus, or many do not like him all the time and show impatience with him like Wy, France, Romano, and Switzerland. The difficulties he has experienced have not affected him in the same way they have Romano but that’s to be expected, for the two did not go though the same things and it’s only normal for people to have different reactions to trauma, some handling it better than others. This does not denote a lack of character complexity or development but just a different kind of person and temperament. I think that this shows that both Italy and Romano are interesting and complex characters and that himaruya in my opinion has done his work and research in trying to develop them and do strips for them. He does not indulge in colorism or xenophobia but merely seeks to show the good and bad of both sides of Italy and the complex reality of the south today and in history which has it’s bad and good points.

As a side note in Valentino strip is unfinished and Germany and Italy never discuss their respective feelings or misunderstandings and Italy is less uncomfortable and more confused and worried that Germany is angry at him.

[astrochiron]

the signs :: my dear melancholy, // the weeknd

Aries & Libra- Hurt You

“And now I know relationships [are my] my enemy, so stay away from me; i’m warning you”

The opening lines of the song sets us up with Abel claiming that he’s over relationships; they hate him, he hates them, and he’s warning this girl of such before everyone gets hurt. His antagonization of the relationship and his aggressive tone exudes Arian energy. It also speaks from a place of independence and rejection of the “other”.

“When you're with him, you close your eyes and think of me

Just call me up again

I'll make you weak”

Abel goes on to talk about how the two of them share a special connection and even if she’s with someone else, he’ll always be on her mind. I’ve personally heard a Libra or two express this sentiment to someone. Libras are often amazing partners and great, attentive lovers, so his claim isn’t likely unfounded.

Overall

“Hurt You” takes on the perspective of both the woman (probably Bella Hadid) and Abel (The Weeknd), allowing for equal representation that expresses Libran fairness. He’s looking at how he doesn’t want to get involved with her again because he knows that he’ll just hurt her again. Plus, its focus on the relationship itself associates with Libra’s position as the sign of romantic connections. I think Arians are very honest with themselves and, at the end of the day, would rather do bad on their own then bring another in on their problems. This also pushes people away, leaving Aries to fix everything on their own. Plus he brags on his sex fame a bit, which is common from both of these signs.

Taurus & Scorpio- Privilege

“And I don't wanna hear that you are suffering

You are suffering no more

'Cause I held you down when you were suffering”

This line is super Taurean to me. Taurus is the sign of stability, support and comfort and Abel was saying he was all three for this person at one point. If anyone cares, this is specifically talking about how Selena Gomez was physically suffering and how he was a support system for her, even allegedly offering to donate a kidney for her when her own failed. This also connects with a Taurean’s tendency to take a lot of shit until they reach their breaking point, from which there is no return.

“And I'ma fuck the pain away, and I know I'll be okay […]

But I'ma drink the pain away, I'll be back to my old ways”

I’m not one to reduce Scorpio solely to sex but it is a large part of both it and Taurus’s main tropes. Scorpio seeks a deep connection and Taurus is centered around sensual pleasure. Abel seems to be using sex and alcohol as more of an escape, leading toward more Scorpio-like (and even Piscean) tendencies. It’s doubtful that these sensual pleasures and attempts at intimate connection will actually help, but he’s down to try.

Overall

“Privilege” is basically about facing the reality and aftermath of a break up. Scorpio is associated with death, including the death of a relationship and the aftermath afterward. Taurus focuses on living in reality with its Earth association. It’s all about the here and now, being stable and physically present which is shown with the physical ways Abel tries to patch himself up after his heartbreak. Scorpio, not he other hand, focuses on evolution and growth especially after a major upset like a break up.

Gemini & Sagittarius- Try Me

“Once you put your pride aside

You can notify me (-fy me), -fy me (-fy me)”

This reminds me of Gemini. They’re not too prideful when it comes to things they want. Gemini is often compared to school-aged ids and that’s very true when it comes to their motivations; no pretense or deep thought when its something they simply want. I can totally see them persuading a partner to be less pretentious; “C’mon, don’t over think this one. When you stop being so honorable, let me know.”

“Havin' thoughts you never had, yeah”

This line reminded me of Sagittarius’s ability to make things more logical or philosophical, seemingly the opposite of Gemini’s simplcity. They’re good at pushing their ideas for their own benefit, making the woman have thoughts she never had in the first place.. “I mean it’s not really cheating if you and I don’t kiss; no emotions involved. Besides, you’re not married so you’re technically single,” or “I mean what’s the actual definition of cheating?”

Overall

So “Try Me” is basically Abel telling this girl to leave the guy she’s with now and try him out again. I’m so sorry if this offends y’all (I’m not sorry, really), but it instantly reminded me of both Sag and Gemini. I’m a Sag moon and I know how… calculated we can be with these matters. Gemini represents all things familiar and things you’re pretty well-versed in due to repetition and what screams that more than having sex with an old fling?

Cancer & Capricorn- Wasted Times

“And what they got that I ain’t got? Cause I got a lot”

This is a line that someone who likes to provide for others would say. Both signs are concerned with protection and providing, Cancer wanted to nurture and provide emotionally while Capricorn shields and provides physically. It screams, “I took care of you and I gave you all i had; what can he give you?”. This also speaks to the Capricornian tendency to compare status.

“I ain’t got no business catching feelings”

Cancers are super stubborn when it comes to trusting and letting others in, especially romantically. It’s all to do with that crab shell that protects them from harm. They have no time to catch feelings cause when they do, it’s insanely deep. This is the same for Capricorn, really, as they (GASP) change their future plans for those they love and hate fucking with their vision for those who aren’t serious.

Overall

“Wasted Times” is about Abel being a highly publicized relationship with Selena Gomez, the operative Capricornian word being “publicized”. Abel hates to think he publicly linked his name with someone that he considers as wasted time. Both Cancer and Capricorn is all about time too; Cancer will lament on time wasted, saddened by past mistakes and Capricorn won’t even let you waste their time, focusing on the future.

Leo & Aquarius- Call Out My Name

“You’re on top, I put you on top I claimed you so proud and openly, babe”

Aquarians are almost as secretive as Scorpios especially when it comes to associating themselves with people. Aquarius re-prioritized and even claimed her publicly, both being a big deal. Putting the one you love on top is also such a Leo trope, too; love before all, even self.

“Why can’t you wait ’til I fall out of love?”

This line is pretty self centered which tend to associate with (all fixed signs but especially) Leo and no, that’s not always a bad thing. Leos and Aquarians both don’t like when people don’t react the way they planned or in the way that’s most beneficial toward them. He simply wanted her to wait to move on until he was ready to move on himself, now is that too much to ask? To a normal person, hell yes.

Overall

“Call Out My Name” starts the album expressing how Abel is putting way more into the relationship than the other party. Every single person with heavy Leo placements that I’ve known have hearts bigger than Volkswagen Beetles, so they tend to give their relationship 250% even if the other person is only capable of 19%. This also gives a brief look into the often irrational and deep feelings that Aquarians claim they don’t have.

Virgo & Pisces- I Was Never There

“Now I know what love is and I know it ain’t you for sure

You’d rather [have] something toxic, so I poison myself again, again”

This is the line that secured this song as Virgo for me. Abel aways equates women or the pursuit of them to drugs and the fact that he knows how unhealthy the relationship is shows a Virgoan awareness as well a Piscean tendency to ignore such awareness. He’s resorting back to what he knows, the tried true method of coping, so he can feel better.

“I'm on the edge of something breaking

I feel my mind is slowly fadin'

If I keep going, I won’t make it”

These lines at the end of the song, again, point toward the Virgo-Pisces axis. Virgos are hardworking to a fault. They, like Abel, do what they can until they’re completely spent. Pisces will put forward energy they don’t even have to help boost those around them. Both of these methods are unhealthy and ultimately self-destructive. If he keeps putting all his energy into this thing and she keeps sucking it up without reciprocity, he simply won’t make it, or at least they won’t.

Overall

Well I immediately pegged “I Was Never There” as Pisces and since there were only six songs, Pisces’ sister had to come along too. It does fit though! Virgo and Pisces both are mutable signs and this song is specifically discussing the end of a relationship. Mutable signs bring on the ends of their respective seasons are associated with destruction, critique and moving on. He turns to drugs and other unhealthy escapist shit to get over the relationship which, stereotypically enough, is associated with Pisces.

check your moon sign (for the song that makes you comfortable and puts you in your emotions), sun sign (the song that makes you happy and the one you ride around to) and venus sign (the one that speaks to your inner artist). the whole album is a no-skip™ for me. treat yo self.

[suttcnfm]

hi  it’s  me  your  least  favorite  (  and  most  favorite  )  person  hailey  back  at  it  again  making  a  bio  that’s  way  too  long  .  this  is  sutton  ,  she’s  my  whimiscal  fairy  child  who’s  endured  a  lot  please  be  gentle  with  her  !!  or  ruin  her  life  !!  whatever  you  want  !!

𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

( elizabeth lail, cisfemale, she/her, pisces, 25 ) i spotted sutton harvey at the beach today. don’t you know them? they live down by the boardwalk and usually hang out with the artists & boho clique. from what i’ve heard, they can be finicky, but they’re also effervescent. i always think of them when i hear fuck it i love you - lana del rey and tend to associate them with mom jeans stained with acrylic paint, the taste of strawberry lemonade, & white cotton sundresses

𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒊. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 

sutton elise harvey

𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞(𝐬) 

her mom used to call her ellie

𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲 

february 22nd

𝐚𝐠𝐞 

twenty - five ( 25 )

𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 

five foot eight inches ( 5′ 8″ )

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫

female 

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬 

she / her

𝐨𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧(𝐬)

painter and art contributor for sunhollow museum

𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞(𝐬) 

english & french

𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 

bisexual & biromantic

𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦

elizabeth lail

𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒊𝒊. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

𝐳𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐜

pisces sun, gemini rising, & aries moon

𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

chaotic neutral 

𝐦𝐛𝐭𝐢 

enfp-a

𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐲𝐩𝐞

type 4w3 ( the individualist )

𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 

sanguine-melancholic

𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞 

hufflepuff

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬 

how she loves others - acts of service, gift giving, & quality time

how she needs to be loved - quality time & physical touch

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐨

cassie ainsworth ( skins )  ,  luna lovegood ( harry potter )  , bubbles ( powerpuff girls ) , claire colburn ( elizabethtown ) , bmo ( adventure time )

𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒗. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲

triggers  (  these  are  all  the  triggers  as  they  appear  throughout  ,  they  will  be  tagged  accordingly  )  :  death  mention  ,  cancer  and  death  tw  ,  drug  mention  ,  sexual  assault  tw  ,  addiction  tw  ,  drugs  tw  ,  and  drug  mention

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞. 

the  first  time  warm  brown  eyes  peered  into  her  mothers  a  connection  was  formed  ,  the  eldest  daughter  to  what  would  soon  be  an  expansive  harvey  household  .  this  very  moment  would  be  the  catalyst  of  a  bond  that  formed  sutton  into  who  she  is  ,  though  i  am  getting  ahead  of  myself  .

sutton  harvey  grew  up  in  julian  california  a  town  that  carried  the  suffocating  small  town  feel  of  suburbia  despite  being  mere  minutes  outside of  the  hustle  and  bustle  of  los  angeles  .  though  it  should  be  mentioned  that  she  preferred  the  quiet  stillness  of  a  town  where  she  could  known  by  someone  for  something  .

her  parents  were  an  interesting  pair  .  her  mother  a  free  spirited  enigmatic  young  woman  who  believed  in  healing  through  love  and  nature  ,  and  her  father  a  struggling  mean  -  spirited  business  tycoon  always  looking  for  the  next  thing  he  could  exploit  .  but  despite  their  clashing  personalities  and  seemingly  opposite  morals  ,  they  were  in  love  ,  had  been  since  high  school  ,  and  they  balanced  each  other  out  almost  perfectly  . 

but  as  it  turns  out  almost  perfect  wasn’t  good  enough  for her  father  ,  who  split  when  she  was  eight  ,  leaving  behind  sutton’s  heart  broken  mother  ,  and  five  kids  to  raise  alone  .

the  family  was  hardly  making  a  enough  to  survive  before  the  sudden  departure  of  her  father  ,  and  so  this  left  an  eight  -  year  -  old  sutton  to  step  up  to  the  plate  and  help  her  mother  ,  raising  her  siblings  while  her  mom  tried  to  find  steady  work  .   

as  the  years  went  on  and  her  siblings  had  more  and  more  needs  things  only  got  more  difficult  .  trying  to  provide  for  five  children  on  one  paycheck  isn’t  exactly  the  easiest  thing  that  one  can  do  after  all  .

sutton  prayed  that  she’d  be  graced  with  the  same  mean  streak  that  her  father  had  ,  but  alas  she  was  gentle  at  heart  ,  similar  to  her  mother  an  enigmatic  personality  that  was  hard  to  pin  down  .

while  it  worked  in  her  benefit  with  most  people  ,  it  is  difficult  to  raise  children  without  practical  dreams  ,  something  sutton  had  never  been  a  fan  of  ,  there  were  times  when  this  became  a  point  of  contention  between  her  and  younger  sister  reece  ,  but  for  the  most  part  her  siblings  recognized  how  difficult  a  thing  their  sister  was  doing  .  

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐞. 

DEATH MENTION  her  teenage  years  came  much  faster  than  she  anticipated  ,  and  while  life  had  been  mostly  smooth  sailing  in  her  eyes  ,  there  were  things  that  sutton  simply  wasn’t  prepared  for  .  the  loss  of  her  mother  was  one  of  them  .

CANCER & DEATH TW  unbeknownst  to  any  of  her  children ,  behind  the  scenes  sutton’s  mother  had  been  suffering  from  breast  cancer  ,  and  she’d  opted  out  of  getting  treatment  ,  something  they  couldn’t  afford  with  the  minimal  money  she  was  bringing  in  ,  and  instead  she  suffered  in  silence  so  they  would  have  a  chance  at  survival  .

everyone  ,  including  sutton  herself  ,  expected  her  to  break  .  the  bond  that  the  two  had  built  was  immeasurable  and  sutton  had  never  shown  the  ablitiy  to  be  grounded  before  .  her  and  her  mother  were  both  two  enigmas  perfectly  coexisting  ,  and  suddenly  it  was  up  to  sutton  to  figure  out  what  to  do  .

DRUGS & ALCOHOL TW   enter  sutton’s  aunt  ,  claire  ,  who  begrudgingly  left  her  life  in  las  vegas  to  come  and  watch  over  her  nieces  and  nephews  at  the  price  that  she  would  blow  most  of  the  money  the  received  on  drugs  and  alcohol  .

DRUG MENTION  there  wasn’t  a  day  sutton  could  remember  that  she  didn’t  come  home  to  her  aunt  passed  out  with  vodka  bottles  littering  the  floor  or  strung  out  on  coke  with  a  man  sutton  had  never  seen  before  on  their  couch  .

sutton’s  resilience  was  the  only  thing  that  kept  her  going  ,  she  shielded  her  siblings  from  as  much  as  she  could  ,  knowing  that  this  was  the  last  thing  they  needed  to  be  their  reality  ,  and  for  the  most  part  ,  it  worked  .

SEXUAL ASSAULT TW  then  came  another  decimating  blow  ,  on  a  day  like  any  other  sutton’s  aunt  for  once  sober  enough  to  drive  ,  pulled  sutton  out  of  school  early  and  took  her  home  .  and  what  seemed  like  an  out  of  character  behavior  for  aunt  to  exhibit  ,  became  crystal  clear  when  sutton  saw  the  man  waiting  for  her  on  the  couch  .

SEXUAUL ASSAULT TW  this  became  another  habit  of  her  aunt’s  ,  pulling  sutton  out  of  school  in  order  to  use  her  body  to  score  drugs  .  then  bringing  her  back  and  forcing  her  to  act  normal  ,  as  if  things  were  still  totally  fine  .

sutton  put  on  a  brave  face  for  her  siblings  ,  but  was  slowly  cracking  under  the  pressure  of  everything  that  seemed  to  be  perfectly  chipping  away  at  the  person  she  once  was  .

this  is  until  she  met  a  boy  ,  a  musician  with  a  similar  story  to  hers  ,  who  she  completely  connected  with  in  a  way  that  was  rivaled  only  by  her  mother  .  him  and  her  seemed  to  have  the  same  bleeding  wounds  that  could  only  be  healed  by  each  other  .

cue  nights  at  the  beach  ,  swapping  stories  ,  and  endless  road  trips  confined  to  their  little  bubble  of  bliss  .  he  fueled  the  artist  within  her  .  painting  upon  painting  of  the  way  he  made  her  feel  ,  how  his  music  moved  her  ,  for  once  the  world  didn’t  seem  so  cruel  .

but  of  course  ,  the  world  was  determined  to  prove  sutton  harvey  wrong  .  with  a  sudden  disappearance  of  both  her  first  love  and  her  aunt  ,  the  latter  of  which  ran  back  to  vegas  with  her  new  beau  ,  she’d  felt  abandoned  just  as  before  .  and  here  is  where  sutton  harvey  finally  cracked  .

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐡. 

she  and  her  siblings  moved  in  with  her  father  ,  who  living  a  more  lavish  and  childless  lifestyle  with  his  new  fiancée  in  san  diego  .  the  harvey  siblings  were  yet  again  tasked  with  raising  themselves  .

ADDICTION TW  with  her  siblings  growing  older  ,  and  sutton  having  mounds  of  unprocessed  trauma  ,  and  she  began  to  mix  with  the  wrong  crowd  .  finding  the  numbing  of  substances  felt  better  than  the  hollow  numbness  of  being  abandoned  by  every  person  she’d  ever  loved  .

art  and  school  alike  became  distant  priorities  as  she  spent  her  last  nights  as  a  senior  doing  ecstasy  on  the  beach  and  hooking  up  with  randoms  just  to  feel  alive  again  .

DRUGS TW after  just  barely  graduating  ,  sutton  spent  her  new  found  freedom  getting  high  ,  having  sex  ,  and  wasting  her  life  away  .  struggling  to  find  any  sense  of  self  in  everything  she’d  done  ,  her  entire  life  seemed  to  have  been  lived  for  other  people  .

this  only  made  her  further  spiral  ,  trying  to  convince  herself  that  even  though  this  was  having  a  negative  toll  on  her  ,  at  least  for  once  she  was  living  for  herself  .

DRUG MENTION  this  was  until  while  she  was  coming  down  from  an  immense  high  she  stumbled  upon  a  record  store  where  through  the  window  she  caught  a  small  glimpse  of  her  past  ,  of  the  person  she  used  to  be  ,  the  face  of  the  boy  who’d  up  and  left  all  those  years  ago  .

her  entire  world  seemed  to  collide  with  her  heart  at  that  very  moment  .  for  a  fleeting  moment  she  felt  like  the  girl  she  was  in  high  school  ,  full  of  life  ,  love  ,  and  most  importantly  art  .

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

after  this  near  encounter  with  her  past  self  ,  she  worked  heavily  on  getting  sober  .  and  has  now  been  clean  for  five  years  !!

after  her  first  year  of  getting  sober  she  worked  multiple  jobs  to  buy  a  small  studio  apartment  where  she  could  begin  painting  again  ,  and  even  made  strides  to  reconnect  with  her  father  and  her  siblings  whom  she’d  since  distanced  herself  from  .

soon  enough  she  became  an  art  contributor  for  the  local  museum  and  earns  her  income  between  hosting  small  art  galleries  on  the  pier  and  the  aforementioned  art  contributions  .

after  three  years  of  sobriety  ,  more  widely  recognized  art  ,  and  a  proper  relationship  with  her  father  ,  he  gifted  her  a  beach  house  where  she  spends  a  majority  of  her  time  .

what  started  as  one  cat  to  keep  her  company  turned  into  nine  because  if  there’s  one  thing  that  sutton  lacks  it’s  control  .

she  has  fully  embraced  the  person  she  was  and  the  person  she  aims  to  be  .  her  personality  is  a  direct  influence  on  who  her  mother  was  because  if  there’s  anyone  that  sutton  looks  up  into  in  life  ,  it’s  her  .  the  best  way  i  could  describe  her  personality  is  the  embodiment  of  the  quote  ,  “ i  could  never  be  the  main  character  . i  exist  solely  in  the  fevered  imaginations  of  sensitive  writer-directors  to  teach  broodingly  soulful  young  men  to  embrace  life  and  its  infinite  mysteries  .  ”

𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒗. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐬 

𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐫 

lavender

𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 

light fog because she likes the scenery it creates

𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐚𝐲 

dawn,  there’s something pure to her about the stillness of the earth at that time of  day and !! it’s when she gets a lot of her painting done !!

𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐥(𝐬) 

butterflies and elephants

𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐣𝐢𝐬

🍒🥺✨😡🌈🦋🤡🥰

𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 

𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

penelope harvey ; deceased

𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

maxwell harvey  ;  alive

𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠(𝐬)

reece harvey ; sister 

elizabeth harvey ; sister 

wyatt harvey ; brother 

casey harvey ; brother 

𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐞 

𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

high  school  diploma

𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐬 

in  order  of  breed  :  poppy  (  scottish  fold  )  ,  milo  (  scottish  fold  )  ,  taz  (  scottish  fold  )  ,  jasper  (  british  shorthair  )  ,  archie  (  british  shorthair  )  ,  sadie  (  british  shorthair  )  ,  ginger  (  maine  coon  )  ,  hunter  (  maine  coon  )  ,  and  felix  (  maine  coon  )

𝐡𝐨𝐛𝐛𝐢𝐞𝐬

painting  ,  sketching  ,  learning  languages  ,  reading  ,  photography  ,  writing  ,  sewing  ,  thrifting  ,  playing  instruments  (  mostly  the  guitar  )  ,  and  baking 

𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

a  beach  house  gifted  from  her  father  but  splits  her  time  between  a  studio  apartment  cramped  with  art  and  a  beach  house  filled  with  cats 

𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐬

has  a  tendency  to  not  sleep  enough  ,  has  occasional  nightmares  ,  and  is  prone  to  frequent  tossing  and  turning  .  but  when  she  does  fall  asleep  ,  it’s  almost  a  guarantee  you  won’t  be  able  to  wake  her  up  .  she’s  an  extremely  heavy  sleeper  . 

𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐬

honestly  it’s  a  toss  -  up  she  either  eats  junk  food  for  a  straight  week  and  has  never  seen  a  vegetable  in  her  life  ,  or  she  is  on  a  health  binge  and all  you’re  going  to  find  in  her  house  is  snap  peas  and  baby  carrots  .

𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

sunrises  ,  house  plants  ,  soft  hands  ,  fuzzy  socks  ,  the  color  yellow  , vanilla  scented  candles  ,  soft  lips  ,  rosy  cheeks  ,  strawberries  ,  freshly manicured  nails  ,  over  sweetened  coffee  ,  kiss  marks  on  napkins  ,  dewy  skin  ,  french  words ,  paint  stained  clothing  ,  midnight  conversations  ,  a  sweet tooth  ,  gold  jewelry  , warm  hugs  ,  gentle  voice  , and  dancing  in  the  rain  .

𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒗𝒊.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

uhhhh  so  i  have  wasted  all  my  brain  power  on  this  so  some  suggestions  are  exes  ,  fwbs  ,  unrequited  crushes  ,  skinny  love  ,  slow  burn  ,  a  girl  squad  ,  ride  or  dies  ,  work  friends  or  maybe someone  who  admires  her work  ,  best  friends  ,  fake  relationship  ,  enemies  ,  ex  -  friends  ,  enemies  turned  friends  ,  friends  turned  enemies  ,  good  influence  ,  bad  influence  , old  party  friends  ,  one  night  stand(s)  , ,  neighbors  ,  secret  friends  ,  and  those  are  all  the  suggestions  i  can  come  up  with  at  the  moment  !  feel  free  to  message  me  with  plot  ideas  i  promise  i  will  scream  and  cry  over  .

[rametarin]

tempting.

Reflecting on my health issues, since age 17. And my living situation.

So since around the age of 16, I’ve been plagued with unpredictable bowel problems and digestive ills. Like, everybody gets constipated every now and then, but I mean I’d get just, excruciatingly backed up and my family wouldn’t help me get seen or anything.

Basically from the time I was 18 onwards I was told my medical bills were mine. But oh by the way [Ram. Not my real name, but the name fam calls me], you gotta pay us every dollar that isn’t devoted to keeping yourself alive :^)

I’d be like, family, I cannot afford this, it’d be in your best interests to invest in my health so I can figure out what’s fucky about my bowels and stomach so this can stop happening, I can live a normal life, and we can all continue on our merry way.

Basically I was told, “tough shit, do it yourself, also pay your fair share to The Family” (aka, give mom all your money.)

It was never just fear of homelessness, but fear of homelessness while my GI tract was fucky and my teeth were rotting out of my head that made escape from here impossible. It’s why I didn’t just climb into a hole in the wall and escape this garbage fire of a mother and do that bootstrap shit. Because it sincerely made  me wonder sometimes if I was being poisoned by my mother to keep me powerless and in need of help, but perpetually weakened to where the best I could do is move towards help but just be put on a treadmill for someone elses financial benefit.

Perhaps my bitterness makes just a touch more sense now, right? Because Maine is a long-drive state. You need a car. You absolutely need a car to get anywhere. Not having one means you walk everywhere, you ride a bike everywhere and are FUCKED during the winter, or you go nowhere because you don’t have anywhere you need to be and don’t drive.

Now that said, imagine having bowel and ass problems so bad just the idea of driving makes you question if it’s safe for you to even be on the road.

That has been my existence for twenty years now, because my family wants me just close enough to extract what mom things “she’s owed,” but absolutely will not help me with anything. There’s no security in staying here because the whole fucking POINT of putting up with a family’s infantilizing “everything has its place” mentality, is you’re able to wisely squirrel away your income without paying a landlord anything and your income going up in smoke

If your mother is just the worst sort of landlord, you’re basically just paying a narcissistic bitch of a mother to be a narcissistic bitch of a mother. There’s absolutely no upside.

So I’ve been stuck in this virtual tutorial of an existence because my own digestive system was torturing me and seriously deleting my ability to operate independently. And mom, whom has always wanted absolute control over my finances and my future, saw it as a holistic way of penning me up and making be desperate. Never a wasted opportunity with this fucking monster.

Well. I eliminated cottonseed oil and chicken proteins from my diet and, while not perfect, the amount of excruciating pain and pressure and weird cold-acidic burning in my back and bowels has subsided a lot. As well as my stomach issues receded considerably.

The truth is I was loathe to even try and escape without figuring out these problems, but I couldn’t figure them out because I never had the money. I tried to get a barium enema x-ray when I was 17 and suffering a massive, excruciating flareup. I missed prom (I didn’t have anyone to go with anyway) because of what felt like it could’ve been anything from gall stones to bowel cancer.

Had a big useless cleanse that was excruciating, then had the guys that give the barium enema tell me, “lube is expensive” when I screamed about how much it hurt to have the thing shoved up my ass. My already inflamed, tender ass.

Absolutely nothing was found in my bowels. Which did absolutely nothing to explain why they felt inflamed and miserable. But it did give me a $1,700 bill, which proved.. absolutely nothing except they couldn’t find tumors or any object lodged in my butt. Given how it took me two summers to acquire almost that much working a shit job for my shithead father’s girlfriend, maybe you can appreciate how heartbreaking that is. Spending all that money and you don’t even learn WHY you’re suffering, you just learn why you aren’t.

And today I still fume with rage over being told, “ass lube is expensive so we’re skimping on it” and then be charged almost two thousand god damned dollars.

Absolutely could not get my family to help me pursue any other avenue. They just kept insisting, “it’s all anxiety, it’s all in your head. You just need to get off the computer and do more manual labor/make us money and your problems will go away. :^)”

But then they would not help me do it. They wanted me to take on all the risk while they got the guaranteed income from my needing to be around them.

My need to grow step by step was their opportunity to mitigate my life, every step of the way, so non-compliance with their exploitation would result in homelessness and complete uprooting. If I wasn’t going to voluntarily follow draconian rules, then I’d be governed by those rules anyway in the absence of them being verbally stated. Just, using poverty and immobility as a way to impose it.

But I refused to comply. I wasn’t going to suffer every day unendingly AND get my income snatched away, BY MY OWN GOD DAMNED FAMILY. A family that didn’t even pay RENT to live in the house we were living in at the time, and a family that made 65-70K a year, with another house they owned in a less convenient location worth $350K. My mother had ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS other than fun and profit as an excuse as to why I needed to buy, “the family,” a car. Other than making it the “family” car giving her defacto control over it but my obligation to pay for it. Just another indirect way to give her absolute control over my options and alternatives.

So I didn’t work. I sat at home and dealt with her abusive bullshit, because it was the only card I had left in my deck. She didn’t want the stigma of throwing out a sick man without a license, a car or any savings. I didn’t want to voluntarily throw myself out and die in the street.

So I dealt with my health problems as best as I could. There were a good many times living in this house, that we’ve lived in and she’s owned since 2006, that I questioned whether I should phone an ambulance and just say fuck it, go into tens of thousands of dollars of debt just goosechasing this problem, thanks to the backdoor socialized medical system that exploits the profit motive but uses government assured payment fixed to taxes in order to afford it.

That’s probably what pisses me off the most about my situation. Our medical system has been turned into a farce by socialists deliberately making medicine as toxic as they fucking can in order to then bat their eyes and go, “Bet you just want single payer and to basically make medicine another ring of the government NOW, don’t youuuuuu? It’d make all those woes go awayyyyy!” while turning the screws to our bodies by denying us affordable medicine. All while blaming capitalism for shit that’s assured to work at any cost by the government.

Other people pine for a more socialized system to make the disgusting exploitation and abuse stop. But the truth is, that’s just like wanting to marry a pirate so they’ll stop lobbing cannonballs and demanding tolls at sea from you. Yes, the actual literal war on you and your community and your personal sovereignty will be over, but you’ll also be institutionalizing pirates in order to make them stop taking complete advantage of you on their terms instead of taking complete advantage of you on mostly-their terms but you get to act like you’re consenting to it.

I digressed. Anyway...

Well. I’m curious about pursuing a shit job just to see if I can KEEP some income, but I know, and have always known, my mother will not allow me to do anything with that money but barely keep myself alive. While she uses it to just buy enormous bulk loads of garbage and hoards them in the corners, or throws hundreds of dollars at friends-of-the-family/neighbors and extracts that money from me to do it.

I know going into it that the job would be otherwise worthless. She wants her ten pounds of flesh a year from me, and if I worked, there’d be no getting around it. She isn’t going to allow me to profit living with her, in any way. Everything has to revolve around her, or I get made homeless.

But trying to hold a job would mean possible (there’s that ‘potential vs. guarantee dichotomy again) feelers out to couches to surf on. Or credit building.

It’d still be a sexless existence dictated by someone so fucking petty that they can’t help you fix a broken tooth but do miraculously have the money to buy you a cell phone and a plan, “if you want it,” purely to always have you at their beck and call and/or have control over your phone plan. And it’d mean committing to something that runs a minimum of a year while being able to have a foot crushing my neck and destroying whatever I’m trying to do in an instant.

but it’d also mean being able to financially pursue what’s wrong with me and fixing it.

But I will hold this grudge against women and the actual, objective privilege they have from the legal system and our social system in the US for the rest of my life. Everybody around me saw what she was doing to me and my life, and they’ve done and said absolutely nothing. An abusive woman in this society is basically on par with the richest barons in a young adult novel, and all you have to do to get that kind of institutional power, rich or poor, is have a vagina and be a mom.

Then other women will sympathize with the mother, whom can never be totally wrong about anything, and at best you might get silence and indifference about the way you’re treated.

You can be cornered, debased and neglected until you’re a greasy shoggoth of a person, and if it’s a woman doing this to you, it’s your fault for not escaping. After having every escape route made as torturous and unsustainable an option as possible, you’ll be held accountable for yourself.

I’ll be relieved and pleased when this disgusting pig of a woman dies of natural causes. She’ll have gotten away with grabbing my life and thrashing around with it for 20 years while the world passed me by, just to keep control, just for fun, just for profit.

But in the meantime, maybe there’s a local niche I can fill. Just enough of something to find somewhere else to live. Without conditions making it more damning to pursue than nothing at all.

But I’m not hoping too hard.

[leafenclaw]

For the “Ask questions about my WIPs!” game

@inkstainedfingers97 asked:

“Perchance would you be willing to send me a brief summary of the premises of "Gem" and "Fearful Symmetry" ?”

First of all, thank you for asking! ^^

Gem is actually one of my earliest Mentalist works, one of several character studies I wrote in preparation for another story called Visions (which I was supposed to go back to right after Chasing Storms, but then Kindred happened x3). The concept was quite simple, a long drabble in which Lisbon was pondering all the ways Jane reminds her of a diamond (the dazzling smiles, flashy tricks, cutting edges of his personality, the fatal flaw at heart, etc.). That said, 400-ish words in I realised I was pushing that metaphor just a little bit too far? XD So unless I recycle parts of it for Kindred at some point (perhaps for 2x09, with that subplot about a diamond Jane lost in the bullpen? ^^), it’ll probably never see the light of day and to be honest I’m pretty okay with that. x)

Fearful Symmetry is a different animal entirely. I don’t know if you remember 2x10 well, it’s the episode where Jane gets hit by a baseball and gets a concussion, so he spends the whole episode fainting and having intrusive memories of his father? And in one of those memories, you see him and his father conning an old lady and her dying granddaughter. For some reason as I was watching I started thinking on that kid, wondering what would happen to her if she survived after this. Would she think the crystal really saved her, or would she know it’s a con and resent the Janes for it? I followed those thoughts for a while, got mislaid by a few Shakespeare references, and ended up with a story in which Celia (the dying girl) is Red John, because the application of the crystal nearly killed her and she wants revenge on the boy who lied to her. x)

It’s not a happy story. Written in 2nd person from the POV of an extremely unreliable narrator, it’s meant to be an illustration of how a healthy mind can sink into really unhealthy thought patterns because of a single event, how holding onto hate and a desire for revenge usually ends up poisoning your own life, and (as the title implies) it was also meant to be a commentary on thematic parallels between Jane and Red John, how similar they are, how you just need to fill in a few blanks to realise they have the same nature.

Anyway. x) It was SUPER cathartic to write and I was all set to publish as soon as it was done... until a computer mishap ate half my progress (more than 5k gone, I had almost 12k by then), including a scene I struggled a lot on, so it never recovered. I’m still keeping that one on the back-burner though, it’s one of ten stories across all my fandoms that I definitely intend to come back to and complete.

Excerpt under cut. Trigger warnings for obsessive thoughts of hatred and revenge, graphic descriptions of pain, some internalised ableism, and violent rejection of morals and religion. (There may be other things, as I said it’s not a happy story.)

(Feel free to comment but please don’t reblog.)

*****

Fearful Symmetry

*****

"Breathe," says your grandmother softly.

And you do, one laborious inhalation after the other, even as the wet, squelching sound makes you shiver, and the pain tears you apart. You do, and you clutch the crystal against your chest – because it will help, won't it? It must. Your grandmother says so, and the Carney man at the fair said so, and the boy. The boy said so. The beautiful boy who cried for you, with the golden curls that makes you want to giggle and sigh and feel their softness under your fingers. He said so.

"Breathe," repeats your grandmother, and you do – again and again and again and why isn't it working?

"I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am. You were robbed," says the doctor, shaking his head. "Crystals aren't magic. They can't heal anything."

But neither you nor your grandmother will listen to those lies, because you saw it. You saw the blister on the boy's finger heal with your own two eyes. How is that not magic? So you breathe, and breathe again, and cough up phlegm until even your grandmother pales and shakes her head.

*****

"What if – " you ask, then cough some more. "What if it needs to be inside?"

"Direct application," whispers your grandmother, eyes feverish. "Yes! We could put it in your oxygen tank – that should work. It will work, Celia. I promise."

Of course, no doctor will allow her to put a foreign object in your oxygen tank, not even a magic healing crystal that could save you. You should have known. They never took you seriously, even in the beginning. That's why the cancer was allowed to spread so far.

But you and your grandmother know what you're doing. You've seen it work. And when it does, when you're healed, you will walk back to the county fair on your own feet and kiss that boy right on his generous mouth to thank him for everything he did.

One day. If you dare. You need to heal first, for that to happen.

So you and your grandmother talk about it, and come to a decision.

Forget about the doctors.

Trust in the crystal.

Trust in the boy.

"Keep your eyes closed," whispers your grandmother, a handful of carefully grounded crystal in her palm. "I will blow it toward you. And when I say so, take a deep breath, as deep as you can. Are you ready?"

You nod.

"Now!"

You open your mouth wide and breathe, and cough, and open your eyes because it hurts so much, and dust flies in your eyes and your mouth is burning, your eyes are burning, your lungs, NO, burning scratching burning bleeding leaking painpainpain –

You scream.

*****

"What were you thinking!" bellows the doctor, somewhere on the other side of the door.

Your grandmother is crying, all hysterical sobs and blubbering mess, incoherent words of desolation falling out of her mouth like a waterfall. You want to tell her it's not her fault – it's not her fault, it's the boy's. The lying boy with his lying tears and those lying curls of shining gold you still want to feel under your fingers, except now you want to feel his lying throat bobbing up and down as you squeeze it just as much.

You want to tell her, but they hooked you up to your oxygen tank and you can't say a word, and you can't reach out to her either because you can't see with all those bandages covering your eyes.

Can’t, can’t, can’t do anything, anything at all.

"It's a miracle it didn't kill her on the spot!" yells the doctor again.

You can hear the angry breath he takes and releases, almost covering your grandmother's cries.

"Your crystal dust buried itself in the tissues, scarred her lungs and cornea," the doctor adds, so quietly you have to strain your ears to hear him speak. "If she was to live, it would be a miracle for her to escape pneumonia and infections. But as it is..."

You shouldn't be listening to this. But you do, you do even if you're not supposed to, even if you're supposed to be sleeping, and resting, and recovering. That's what they told you to do, anyway. Rest, and don't bother your pretty little head with grown-up talk.

Rest.

Rest in peace.

"Her last days will be painful," concludes the doctor. "Dying will be a kindness."

Your grandmother's wail covers every other sound.

The pang of shock in your mind covers every other thought.

Until shock turns to helplessness.

Then anger.

Then hate.

*****

You lie on your back, eyes closed as the priest anoints your forehead with oil, muttering blessings for your soul. Your grandmother cries softly by your bedside as you take one painful inhalation after the other. They've all given you for dead already, talking about you in past tense, hushed murmurs and sniffles in every corner of the room.

You don't care.

You're such a raw mass of unending pain. Nothing else matters but the burning in your lungs and the fever in your eyes and the pounding in your head that erases all ideas, all thoughts, all emotions.

Except one.

And the growing thirst for revenge sustains you in a way nothing else – no medicine, no prayer, no crystal – ever could.

*****

You never knew there was an emotion so powerful as to conjure up miracles – but if you had, you would have bet on love.

And you would have been wrong.

Love, in the end, wasn't enough to save you. Be it the love of God with its many prayers all through the night, or the love of Science on the altar of which you sacrificed your hair – both utterly failed you. Even the love of your grandmother only brought you worse suffering instead of the promised peace and relief.

Love wasn't enough.

But hate is.

Hate allows you to survive night after night until a full month passes. Hate allows you to hang on by a thread until breathing comes easier, until pain ceases. So slowly at first nobody notices you healing. So slowly at first you don't even notice it yourself.

Until you do.

Until they do.

"It's a miracle. Praises be to God," says the priest, and you want to tell him to shut up shut up shut up, because there is no miracle, there is no God, there is only hate burning bright and hot inside you, turning the cancer to cinders and coal dust.

"It was the crystal. It gave her back her life," says your grandmother, and you want to tell her to shut up shut up shut up, because the crystal nearly killed you, the crystal scratched your eyes away and even hate couldn't give you back your sight.

"It was the treatment. In a few months, we may be able to graft her a new cornea," says the doctor, and you want to tell him to shut up shut up shut up, because the medicine was never helpful to begin with, they didn't even bother treating your eye infection properly when they thought you were dying, and when you finally get out of here you will never trust a doctor again.

But you don't say a word – because you may be healed but you're still weak, and arguing over what exactly saved you would be a waste of time, a waste of energy. Instead you let hate eat away at any warm emotion you once felt, shield your mind with its cold, hard shell of frozen magma.

Who cares what they all think anyway? You know the truth, and at night you dream of a thousand humiliations and pains for the boy who grievously betrayed you.

[rikkie-jpg]

I was walking by the beach and saw Rhiannon "Rikkie" Marx! I wonder what they’re doing here all by themselves. they’re apparently creative and driven, but also flighty and a perfectionist. When I think of them, I think of menthol cigarettes, black coffee, and bruised knuckles. Well, I hope to run into them in the future! (24, cisfemale, she/her)

she/her. lesbian. 23. ☼ aries. ☽ saggitarius. ⬀ gemini.

tw: eating disorders, depression, death, homophobia (slight)

rikkie doesn’t really like to remember just how she got here. she doesn’t like to remember the blowout fights with her parents, the stress and support of therapy programs, or the way her shaking hands once did up her school uniform, only to find stability behind the camera. but for the sake of reminding herself that she's not a cloud of smoke who doesn’t exist on this plane sometimes she has to think about it.

the chaos of her upbringing didn’t start at the beginning. when she and her brother were born, they were received by a loving home in the valentine cottages, to two exceptional parents. johnathan marx and mackenzie ess did their best for a long time. they covered the fighting, they put their kids first, they focused on the security of their family. but that facade could only last so long. it wasn’t until the was 12 that she felt that shift. her father moved back to his home town of paterson, nj, while her mother maintained the home and shop in cornell beach. she and her family left, while her mother stayed behind. back in those days, rikkie feared that her mother simply hadn’t tried, hadn’t fought for them to be together, but that wasn’t entirely true. now, as an adult, she had a better understanding of the break down of her family. even though her summers were spent in cornell, it was clear that the longer she left, the more she didn’t want to come back.

the next upheaval was when rikkie was 15. mackenzie got sick, so rikkie and her brother moved back to cornell beach and spent their summers in paterson. johnathan marx was nothing if not loyal, and he had raised his children to be exactly the same way. there were no other options, other than to go back. she wouldn’t be able to handle it if she did. but rikkie has always run like a wind up toy, and the gears were starting to slow down. she wasn’t going to be able to keep going the way she was. the hole that had always been in her chest, that had opened even wider when her family split was starting to get bigger. watching her mom suffer was hard, taking care of her was harder, and no one noticed that she was starting to lose herself in her own mind. food, calories, and exercise consumed all of her free time. she had nothing else to do to cope. she didn’t know where she was going, what she was doing, and no one seemed to notice it anyways. so she found herself on her knees in front of the toilet, praying to a god she didn’t believe in and purging herself of the chaos in her mind, and whatever transgressions she had committed to deserve this fate.

seventeen was a worse year than any had been before it. sweet seventeen was rock bottom for rikkie. her mom’s cancer became metastatic, and within six months, she was gone. her last breath like a whisper of love and light, and somehow the darkness encroached from there, consuming rikkie. destroying her from the inside out. she went back to new jersey, a ghost of her former self, and finally someone noticed her. noticed the way she had wasted away, the way she seemed to suffer. that was the first time she was sent away, truly on her own. residential inpatient program. those three words still make the hair on the back of her neck stand up. it was two days after her eighteenth birthday when her father had the intervention, just short of two months after her mother’s death. she went, she did her best, she really tried to get better. but she wasn’t ready. she couldn’t have been, or at least that’s what she tells herself. because just a year later, it felt like dejà vu all over again. another intervention, another inpatient to php to iop style program, another year lost to losing her mind. another prescription to lexapro; god, it all felt so repetitive. when she finally had the all clear to leave, she did the only thing she knew how to do. she returned to cornell beach, the town she had left behind without so much as a backwards glance, five years prior. she and her brother moved back into her mother’s old home, craving a slower pace to life than what she had back in new jersey. she converted her mom’s old office into a small music studio, a haven in the home she once knew, and hopefully, she can make this work out. but who knows? maybe she’ll just pick up and disappear again.

that wasn't to say her personal relationships didn't feel the wrath of her disappearing act. she had ghosted her former girlfriend (accidentally, but she won't admit it) during an intervention gone wrong. her father confiscated her phone, and it wasn't returned to her until it felt too late to say anything. so instead, she let her believe that she was just done, let her believe she had no explanation for her disappearing act. because rikkie wouldn't be caught dead telling her republican, fire-fighting father about who or how she loved, and she wouldn't talk about her slow descent into madness either. so she let it simmer, because what was the worst that could happen?

chaos bullet points about rikkie

don’t get her started on bagels or pizza

doesn’t like to talk money bc she doesn’t know what to do with it

mom’s from cornell beach, dad is from paterson

kind of a callous bitch. always short, keeps ppl at arms length

doesn’t do vulnerable bc she’s got a ton of issues

literally loves music too much for her own good

bumps so hard to brand new it should be a crime

favorite color is pale yellow

so gay but has no game. literally drools over pretty girls & can’t think

absolute klutz

dumb as fuck when she drinks. climbs on laundry machines, disappears on adventures, will talk in ad nauseam about vines

loves weird jokes. will laugh at literally anything

she ghosted literally everyone after her mom died & just didn't come back one summer because of program

she likes to sing n dance n play guitar bc when ur in program u have a lot of time to master ur amateur guitar skills