#Angular 2 Development

[movingthisblogcelestialtarot11]

Future Spouse PAC—

Hi friends! Highly requested—a future pick a spouse reading. I appreciate all of you for being here <3 please like, comment and reblog to help this blog grow! Your presence means the world. It’s also 11:11 as I type this so for anyone who needs this here you go.

Pile 1: Hi there pile 1! Hope all is well in your world. For you I see a lot of prominence in your future spouse. They are physically well dressed, put together and appear luxurious. They can invest in quality brands and wear clothing that makes them feel good. I’m seeing someone wear a long tail coat and it emphasizes their height, because it’s slender and yet angular. This person has a great sense of fashion! I heard fashion icon. Some people may look to your future spouse for inspiration, and I heard designer. So perhaps they work closely with others in a artistic sense! They could be a Leo, Taurus or Capricorn. This is also someone who is generous with their energy and resources so if someone needs help they will offer it! Humble, has humility and carries themselves well. I have a feeling this is someone slightly older than you! They could have a pet as well, maybe a parrot for someone or a budgie. Cute! But back to their generosity I feel they give back to their community a lot, and may donate, raise funds for charity! There’s this soothing angelicness to them which people are drawn to, and their smile is also soft and beautiful! It’s something you’ll really like! I also see boyish rugged features for those who are interested in men. And for women I see chubby cheeks, fuller lips and lighter eyes! Your person can be on the taller side :) As for their hobbies may include hiking, skiing, camping! They may go with family as well. They could also be into religious studies like studying different religions, cultures and traditions. They may not necessarily be religious, but study the bible or Quran for example. They just love to learn. Thank you pile 1 for being here! Means a lot to me. Hope you like comment and reblog <3

Pile 2: Hi there pile 2! Haha for you I got a very elusive slippery energy from your future spouse. I feel as though in their younger years they were really hot. They were a know it all. They were charming, devious and funny. And they still are! They’ve certainly still got it going. I do feel as though when you meet them you might pick up on those traits from their past and stay away—but this person has identified that they want a deeper commitment here with you. They have grown a lot and instead of chasing cat and mouse, they are confident in attracting the right person. They don’t want games anymore, I’m hearing they don’t have time for it. So your person could be very busy and on the go often, like traveling to other states or places for work. It requires them to constantly be moving. I feel as though there is an element of long distance here but not necessarily forever! They can be foreign, as well. Different culture, values, traditions. But I think this’ll draw them in even more to you and vice versa. I feel this person has worked their way up to developing self respect and esteem, so they may be a bit intimidating at first. I see honey blonde hair, fair to tan skin, and tall figure. They can have toned figures and look as if they work out. They may be into sports of some kind that challenges their body. They need to get that energy out, i feel as though they’re like electricity, constantly sparking and looking to connect to a source. They can be scattered and flighty because their job is demanding of them, but they mean well. They’re funny, confident, boisterous, and charming! Very smooth with their word so expect them to charm your pants off ;) They may have black hair and keep it neatly trimmed! For men I see a neat beard and it isn’t long, it’s not a stubble either. It defines their face very well and I feel they have intense eyes. For women I see brown hair, thinner lips and green eyes! Or just lighter eyes in general. I feel they’re known as muscle mommy 😭 because their body is toned. Thank you pile 2 for being here! Any likes comments and reblogs are appreciated.

Pile 3: Okay right away pile 3 Electric by Alina Baraz began to play! Lol hope your day has been well. I feel as though this person is intense, stern and firm at first. I heard CEO. What kind of wattpad love story is this? Lmfao im hooked. Anyway, this person could have a higher position in your job and I do feel how you meet is they help you out. They may offer you a position, or talk to you, and somehow it slips out that you’re struggling. Im seeing two people meet for coffee in the lounge room and hitting it off, and its unexpected. I feel you two may expect a purely professional relationship but no—this is something deeper. There’s this feeling of intimacy and closeness with you two, like you two saw each other a long time ago and now you’re meeting again. Very familiar and comforting. Feels like 4h synastry! I love that. I do feel as though your future spouse is a provider and doesn’t mind if you want to take the reigns in bed too ;) they are skilled I should mention. I also feel they are someone who tries to understand what their emotions are and what its telling them. So you can help them, maybe you understand emotional processing better and can guide them. They’ll guide you through the material world and offer insights, and help you feel stable financially. I almost feel as though you’re the spiritual one and they are in touch with the material realm. So they are stunned when they hear of your spiritual journey and not only that but attracted. They feel tempted by what they don’t understand. Speaking of temptation—theres a lot. Psychologically it’s tempting to fall into old patterns and I feel as though this connection is helping you release that, but also intimately the temptation is there! Very strong. “Darker than the ocean, deeper than the sea.” I keep hearing that from the song and it describes the depth of your connection when you two meet. I also hear, “touch me, your electric baby.” So you two will definitely feel it. Its unmistakable! A little work romance never hurt anyone LOL that’s what I heard. Someone is saying it like a hushed whisper so I feel ya’ll will physically get closer to talk to one another—it’s an unconscious action yet so intimate. There’s a lot of unspoken tension here between you two. Anyways pile 3 enjoy <3 I hope this helped you! And please don’t forget to like comment and reblog to share the love.

Extra

Paid readings 🤍

[cosmicplexus]

Random Astrology Observations

��I wasn't feeling lazy today so this is a bit longer than the usual observation posts🌻

🦋And finally the pricing catalogue is here...at the end of the observations 🦋

Thank you so much my sunflowers🌻your support has been everything. I try my best to respond to your messages and requests. If you haven't received a response, I'm coming 🤍✨

And I tried my best to be reasonable with the prices. Also, I'm not yet doing full chart readings as I am a student with two majors and I'm already struggling with balancing things. In time I will do them. Free one question culture requests are still open, but please don't request for things you see on the pricing catalogue like a big three reading...

I don't want to bore you all too much so here we go🧚🏾‍♀️🦋🌻✨

Astrology Notes...

~4th house Gemini makes for someone who develops family-like bonds in friendships.

~taurus risings tend to be possessive due to the influence of their scorpio 7th house.

~pluto at angular houses 1st, 7th, 4th and 10th is a huge indicator of someone who has had intense experiences in the respective key areas of life and there's spiritual lessons to be learnt regarding that area through transformation.

~libra venus placements may find it really hard to stay single

~7° and 19° venus or moon signs may struggle with the theme of physical perfection and wanting to attain it.

~virgo moons have a tendency of creating problems if they don't have any current ones to solve

~capricorn risings really do look older in their younger days and younger when they're older.

~moon and neptune in 1st house natives may give off the perception that they need saving and may attract people with a martyrdom complex.

~sagittarius, 9th house, 9° and 21° mercuries may have an affinity to music in foreign languages while cancer, 4th house, 4°,16°,28° may enjoy music in their mother tongue

~jupiter in 2nd house and 10th house is heavy lotto winner vibes. Literally and figuratively.

~mercury in 2nd house and at Taurean degrees(2°,14° and 26°) are the born singers

~the 22nd degree is an underrated fame degree...I have a bey's🐝 fame analysis I've been sitting on for a while. That's a conversation for another day.

~pisces venus and mars are the most romantic people in the world which makes me kind of believe the astrology theory of neptune being the higher frequency of venus.

~leo moons really take their hair seriously and may feel out of loop if their hair is not well done.

~want to easily impress a cancer mars man??? Sing praises to your mom. Be dotting around kids.

~girls with 9th house, 9° and 21° Venus are so magically beautiful. Abundance of beauty.

~To a decent degree, liberation of women in society came at the expense of gemini, sagittarius and aquarius venus women being slut-shamed(This is not at all saying other women did not contribute to the liberation of women 🌻✨ That's a conversation for another day)

~neptune plays a huge role in beauty trends and that's why neptune dominant women are usually the beauty influencers which explains why beauty standards are mutable and ever changing.

~jupiter in 7th house can go two ways... extreme luck in meaningful relationships or someone who never has serious relationships and is forever on the look...

~pisces/12th house mercuries and mercury afflicted by neptune are often under fire for being the liars when the real culprit is the sagittarius/9th house mercuries and mercury-jupiter hard aspects.

~I personally view the north node as a jupiter variant. While the general consensus is that it is the purpose we're working for, I do believe that it's also an indicator of our birthrights, innate gifts and where we're lucky.

~Cosmic Plexus🌻🤍

§~PRICE CATALOGUE~§ ~PAID READINGS COMMENCE ON THE 16th of May 2024 🦋DETAILED BIG THREE READING ~ $6.00

🦋5 IN-DEPTH SYNASTRY QUESTIONS READING ~ $9.00 🦋OVERALL SYNASTRY ADVICE ~ $3.00

🦋SPIRITUALITY AND PURPOSE FOCUSED READING ~ $6.00 🦋CAREER ADVICE ~ $3.00 🦋 RELATIONSHIP REMEDY TIPs $3.00

Let me know your thoughts...

~Cosmic Plexus🤍✨🌻🦋©️

[dumbmusclehypnojockboy]

Audition

Author's note: @transform4u requested a story, so this one's for him. This is kind of a departure fore me. It's mostly done in first person, which I don't usually do. I hope you enjoy it.

“I wish I didn’t have to remember all these lines,” the words came out as a whisper.  A soft breeze blew in the theater.  “Granted,” it seems to say in the wind that chilled you to the bone.  The words on the script faded away, being replaced with a signed contract with a television company.  Something about documenting your life for the next few months.  Leaving your home and going to a time-share with some other people.  You look at the paperwork confused.  A buzz infiltrating your brain. 

“Rocko”, the director calls me.  I’m confused.  Isn’t my name Richard?  “Rocko Salvatori?  On stage please.”  He looks at me and I head up to the stage for an audition? 

The director looks at me and asks, “Hello, Rocko.  Your resume says your favorite hobby is working out?  Can you tell me about that?”

“Working out?  No, I mean,” images of the time I’ve spent in the gym, dedicating time and sweat and tears to making my pecs and bis grow.  Never skipping leg day.  Always taking creatine mixed with pre workout, downing protein shakes and doing endless crunches...  Gotta take care of the “situation”. 

“Yeah,” I say.  “I go to the gym five days a week.  Can you tell?” 

I flex a bicep that seems to grow out of nowhere.  Ten inches around turns in to 12 inches, turns in to 15 inches, turns in to 20 inches.  I flex my pecs.  Since when do I flex my pecs, I ask myself?  My pecs inflate with newfound muscle.  Growing to a whopping 50 inches around. 

I find my body stretching taller…  legs more so resembling long logs, stretching to the sky, torso stretching out, getting rid of the pudge that used to be there, and developing in to 8 separate rocks, an 8-pack of abs. 

My dick growing longer and longer now resembling a beer bottle in length and girth.  “Fuck yeah, I work out, bro,”  I say. 

The director asks, “I also see that you’ve done some modeling?”

Images of past gigs fill my memory.  That time I was flown down to Cancun to appear on a show for MTV Spring Break.  That photo shoot for a young adult clothing brand.  That one time he posed for Exercise for Men Only.  “Yeah, bro,” you find yourself saying.  “I aced modeling.”  Your face reshapens.  Jawline becoming sharper.  Cheeks becoming  accented, less round, more angular.  Eye brows becoming shaped, more perfect.  Teeth whitening, glowing, straightening.  Eyes becoming more clear, turning from blue to a sharp glowing brown.  Stuble growing around your chin and mouth area.  Your thick black hair standing straight up, held up with a precise amount of Spiker hair gel and a 16-second spray of Got 2 B hair shaper and molder.  You give ducklips pose to the director, and bring out your phone to take a selfie and post it on Instagram. 

The director clears his throat.  “Under life philosophy you just wrote GTL.  What does that mean?”

“Bruh,” you say, your brain rearranging information.  Reprogramming your memories, your thoughts, making you a different person. 

“Bruh, it’s a way of life.  A philosophical kind of being.  Gym, Tan Laundry.  You gotta take care of your bod… your pecs, bis, and abs… I like to look fresh, so everything has to go in to it.  You know, you have to go to the gym the whole week.  Tan.  You have to have color if you didn’t go to the beach.  And then the last thing you need to take care of is the outfit.  You gotta look fresh, you know.  If you don’t look good, you ain’t gonna feel good bro, and then you ain’t gonna have a good night.”

 You give in to the words that are coming out of your mouth.   Gym.Tan.Laundry=LIFE, bruh,  Fuck yeah.  Gotta be FTD, Fresh To Death.  Looking for hunnies DTF.  Down To Fuck.  Hell yeah!  The thoughts running through your head.

“Rocko,” the director says, “it says here that you identify as a Guido?  Can you tell me about that?”

The words go through my head.  Guido… Guido…  Fuck Yeah, I’m a fucking Guido.!  I GTL all day and am DTF all night.  I go out FTD, and get all the pussy I want.  I am so Hot, So Fresh.  I’m a fucking Guido.  “I’m a Guido.  What’s there to explain?  I work out, tan and clean up fresh.  I go out and party all night and bring home the PU-NA-NI, you know what I mean?  And I have over three million followers on my social media.”

Red flashes over the director’s eyes, and a demonic façade flashes over the director’s face, just for a second.  “You’ll be perfect for the next generation of our new reality show, Rocko.”

[skeletondeerart]

Sacred Waters, Sacred Hearts Chapter 2

A Male OC! Metkayina x Fem Human! Reader | Word Count: 1968

Masterlist & join the taglist

A/N : Both Rukan and reader are in their mid 20's

" " = direct speech | ' ' = Metkayina sign language | Bold = English

It has been a fortnight since my interaction with Rukan, I had grown enamoured with him and for some unknown reason, I had begun sketching his likeness into my journals. His face was striking and angular, softened by gentle cerulean eyes that contrasted with his lean, muscular physique. He carried a powerful yet elusive aura; each movement hinting at immense strength. Tattoos adorned his left forearm and calf, symbols of pride, heritage and victory. His 2c locks were gathered into a high ponytail, and his kuru was elegantly decorated with golden pearls. It was like Eywa had woven him with her bare hands…

I think back to how we met and the Akula attack flashes in my mind; I have yet to broach the incident to Norm and Max, they had a lot of things on their plate and considering they were in the process of doing me a large favour and I didn’t want them to worry and cease my operations. I was once again off with the fairies, mindlessly doing data entries when my tablet blared out, this time it was Max’s contact.

I scrambled along the floor in my office chair, my smile wide as I awaited the news.

“(Y/N) great news, the Metkayina cells have proved compatible with life and with your DNA, we can now proceed into the gestation stage,” Max says excitedly grinning ear to ear as I gasp and nearly fall backwards.

“You serious?! Like actually – oh my Eywa I can’t believe it. I’m getting my avatar!”

“Yes (Y/n), we are serious” Norm pipes in from behind the camera, he rounds the corner holding a capped vial in his hands and inside it floats tiny eggs in some fluid. “See for yourself.”

I press my face practically into the screen trying to see the beginning of my new life, I can’t help but shed a tear at finally having the chance to experience Pandora through new eyes. The scientists grin at my joy before speaking up.

“Don’t get too hasty now… It will still take 2 years before you can pilot this thing… even with our new tech advances shortening the gestation period from 5 years.”

“I know, I know… but I can’t help but get excited about being able to dive deeper and to stay out longer, I can connect to the flora and fauna on a whole new level.” My mind flashed with visions of my future. I couldn’t help but sigh at all the possibilities. “I’ll be sure to visit the outpost in a couple of months and see the progress, I can’t wait.”

They laugh “Your excitement is infectious, we also can’t wait to see how the Metkayina cells develop, we assume it will be drastically different from Omaticaya fetus development. This is huge (Y/n), our first Metkayina avatar!” They grin before you hear some other scientists calling for them. “Ok, we’ve got to start the procedure, see you in a couple of months hey?”

“You can count on it!” I grin as my hands can’t stop trembling in excitement. The call ended and I took a walk on the shore to process this life-changing news.

I feel the sand between my bare toes and gaze across the lapping waves, the coos of Ilu and cries of Skimwing’s echo throughout the eclipse, I’m excited at the prospect of riding them one day, as the calm winds bristle against my flesh, I begin to think of everything that led me to this point.

When I took on this contract, I knew the chances of returning home to my family were slim. The post was for a couple of years but with the war and my deep love for Pandora and its inhabitants I couldn’t in my right mind get aboard the shuttle and leave this behind. I knew my purpose was not fulfilled. My parents knew I may not return. Earth was dying. Plain and simple. They wanted me to live a life worth living. Not living on a polluted rock corrupted by a couple of sick governing powers and companies.

Riddled with melancholy, I drew the photo taken moments before my deployment. My mother hugged my side affectionately and my father bore a reserved smile with a single hand on my shoulder. I knew they were pained to let me go but it was something I had to do for humanity, yet I couldn’t help but think it was already too late for Earth and all our efforts were in vain. 

The water was crisp, and a swim couldn’t hurt, right? I jogged back into my home and pulled on my wetsuit leaving my tablet, just holstering my switchblade for emergencies and sinking myself into the depths.

The outside world was deafened as I submerged, I felt like I belonged here, even if I was just an alien. I had no goal in mind I just swam absorbing my surroundings, schools of fish swerved around me and I weaved through sea anemones. I reached a sandy clearing when I spotted a fishing net caught between some rocks, I looked up the connecting line to see a canoe’s shadow and the line being tugged, the line went slack before a Metkayina dives down to investigate the issue. To my surprise I recognised it at Rukan; I held the netting trying to free it when I felt finned hands grab my own. I look behind me to see Rukan as he tugs the net free, letting it float.

‘Hello tawtute, you found my lunch I see’ Rukan signs with a smile.

‘Happy to see me?’ I gesture back my smile appearing. ‘I thought your role was a patroller?’ I question.

‘Metkayina have many roles, today I hunt.’ He states before gathering the net with various small fish inside and he then slowly drags the netting to the surface pulling them onto his canoe and saying a prayer as the fish perish.

I tread water as I mutter my prayer. Rukan glances in my direction and smiles. “You seem to know how to treat Eywa’s children, I’m happy. Most tawtute do not recognise the animal's sacrifice for our meals.”

“I was taught well by the Omaticaya,” I speak fondness for Grace, Tsu’tey and Neytiri’s teachings in my early days evident in my tone.

“Why aren’t you still with them? you are far from their village.” Rukan asks, tilting his head.

I gesture around me at the vast sea. “My passion is the sea, back on Earth and now here on Pandora, I feel as if this is where I belong. Studying marine life is what I was born to do” He nods in understanding.

“I see, you respect our waters and apologised for entering our protected zones; I will keep you a secret from our leaders. But if I catch you disrespecting us or our ocean you will be on the fatal end of my spear.”

I mock salute “Clear as water~,” I say and holding my five-fingered hand over my heart “I swear on Eywa and my life in protecting and respecting these waves”

“Good. I need to head back now, we are preparing a feast. Stay safe.” Rukan nods before paddling the canoe back to the village, I stay treading momentarily as I watch his figure disappear amongst the sea foam, a smile never leaving my lips.

I dive back underwater and something glinting on the seabed catches my eye, a beautifully crafted beaded string. A song cord. Rukan’s song cord. I snatch it up before frantically boosting myself up trying to spot him but alas he was already gone. I sigh in frustration and admire each shell and pearl weaved together. I held it tightly as I returned home. I hope to see Rukan soon so I can return it to him.

POV Rukan

Upon the second meeting of the tawtute I couldn’t help but admire her passion for our seas. She was the first of her kind I have met, and she tears down all the stories that were spread from the other tribes and our merchants. Tawtute were monsters, weren’t they? Demons who took on the skins of our brothers and sisters and killed and destroyed everything they touched? So why is she so kind, that’s a mystery to me.

Eventually, the village comes into view, and I dock, other fishermen come to my aid to prepare the fish for tonight’s feast as the older adults come to pat my back ‘well done’. After completing my iknimaya all I wanted was to fulfil my duties in protecting our reef, including eliminating threats like the tawtute. Engrossed in the hustle and bustle of preparations thoughts of the girl left me. I was delegated to hang decorations. Carefully climbing on roofs to install hanging lights I was tightening the slack before a female voice spooked me from below.

“Hey Ru!” Another Metkayina female calls to me. “Here are some more woven lights.” She says waving them above her head to get my attention.

“Right with you!” I call down before unceremoniously sliding down and stumbling on my feet. She giggles covering her mouth, her tail swishing gently behind her.

“Here you go, pretty boy~” She coos, slapping me affectionately on the shoulder. My face flushes as I cough and spin back around with the lights coiled over my arm.

“Uh, thanks Säyani” I deflect before scaling the roof again.

“Alright – suit yourself then Ru” She offhandedly replies spinning on her heels and diving into the reef.

Once she’s out of earshot, I shiver and dust off the remnants of her touch. I knew what she was doing but didn’t know how to let her down easily. I may be of age, but I wasn’t interested in her as a mate. Yes, she was conventionally attractive, but she was just off-putting to me, I just couldn’t place my finger on it.

Wrapping up with decorating, the eclipse engulfed the skies, and a grand bonfire was lit, food was presented in large leaves and shells and some members began singing. Sitting near my parents we shared dishes and debriefed on recent events. Laughter and smiles took over the clan. A horn blew and we all fell silent and looked at our clan leader Tonowari.

“What a wonderful eclipse this is, I’m hoping all are enjoying the festivities and dishes prepared by our great hunters and gatherers. Tonight, we gather under Eywa’s gaze to honour the gifts of the sea, to give thanks for the harvest that sustains us, and to remember the ancestors whose spirits move with us through these waters.

Each year, the ocean blesses us, and we renew our promise to her. This feast is a promise that we honour, protect, and respect all life within our waters and that we stand together as one, tied through Eywa’s everlasting love and wisdom.

In times past, we faced storms that tested our resolve. Yet always, we rose together, finding courage not only in our hearts but in our brothers and sisters. Tonight, we celebrate as a village — a family bound through unity, resilience, and the trust we place in one another.” Tonowari booms a hand gesturing to all of us. “Enjoy my people”

Cheers and clacking of wooden cups echo into the night and everyone digs in. My gaze wanders past the reef in the direction of the tawtute’s marui. That’s when I spot it, the beginnings of a storm cell. It’s like a stone drops into my stomach at the realization of her impending doom. I glance at my parents as they talk with other clan members before I silently slink out of the gathering to bond with my skimwing, speeding off to warn her to evacuate.

Enjoy the next chapter in my Masterlist! & join the taglist

[cyberclouddream]

Hey, I go by Naj and I’m from Atlanta, GA, currently living off in the Caribbean. I’m using this blog to learn and interpret. Keep in mind that astrology is complex and nuanced. I currently prefer using sidereal (not jyotish/vedic) calculations and the topocentric house system!

Tropical: Libra Rising, Virgo Sun, Moon, Mercury 12H, Saturn 8H

Sidereal: Virgo Moon 0° 1H Uttara Phalguni w/ Lord Mercury Leo combust in 12H

I do not have any astrology certifications, I am but a student and enthusiast. I am not a Vedic Astrologer!

Mental Reframing

Neutral Affirmations for Self Concept

Transits

Venus in Scorpio Thru Houses

Interpretations

Key Meanings of the Planets

Motives of the Signs

How the Signs Gain Attention or Visibility

What Recharges or Motivates Us

Enemies in the Natal Chart

How You’re Pushed to Heal

Existential Crises You're Prone To

Your Philosophical Dance

Friendship Conflicts [ 11H cusp ]

Signs of Career Dissatisfaction [ 10H cusp ]

Travel Preferences & Tendencies [ 9H cusp ]

Your Relationship with Transformation

Your Partnership Issues & the 7th House

Your Secret Self and the 12th House

Traditional Planets in the 12th House

Signs through the 11th House

How to Spot: Fire Sign Edition

How to Spot: Earth Sign Edition

How to Spot: Air Sign Edition

How to Spot: Water Sign Edition

How the Signs Seek Emotional Safety

How the Signs Feel Secure and Valuable

Cardinal Signs through the Angular Houses

Fixed Signs through the Angular Houses

Mutable Signs through the Angular Houses

The Personal Signs’ Personalities Explained

The Interpersonal Signs’ Personalities Explained

The Transitional Signs’ Personalities Explained

Mercury Signs through the 12th House Part 1

Mercury Signs through the 12th House Part 2

Sun through the Houses

Moon through the Houses

What Makes You Feel Isolated or Confined

Mars Ruling the Houses

The 6th House and Bad Fortunes

Where You Feel Protective and Nostalgic

Musings

Aquarius 3H

Ascendant Sign vs Sun Sign

Stages of Development

Pisces, the 12th House, and Nonduality

The Stages of Shadow Work and the Signs

The Stages of Planning and the Signs

Sun in the 12th House & Alice in Wonderland Syndrome

Intentions Beyond Perceptions of Signs

12th House Musing

Mars in Libra and Annoyance

Sister Signs Muse

[the-virgoperspective]

Part 2

Mercury is the planet of communication and of the mind; it is one of the most important planets in a composite chart. The placement of Mercury in the composite chart can indicate how effectively and in what manner you and another person communicates as one. A harmonious aspect and house placement for Mercury in the composite chart can be very beneficial to any bond. It’s important to check both the house placement and the aspects to this planet to see how communication manifests within any bond you may be looking at.

I will be using the writings of Robert Hand from his novel “Planets in Composite: Analyzing Human Relations” to describe the meaning and significance of the Moon in each composite house. Please always keep in mind that this is only one vital step to reading an entire composite chart and should not be seriously considered without viewing everything as a whole. This is just one piece. Enjoy!

7H Composite Mercury

Mercury in the seventh house of the composite chart indicates that your relationship will work well as a partnership in mental and intellectual concerns. For example, if you came together to write a book (which this placement of Mercury does not indicate especially), you would be able to work together as a team very well. Similarly you would work well together in any kind of business or commercial activity, particularly those involving electronics, communication, data processing, or transportation.

In a personal relationship this placement indicates the ability to think as a team and to provide a united front, at least intellectually, to the rest of the world. The two of you are generally able to share your ideas and opinions about everything.

Because the seventh is an angular house, the planet that occupies it is more important than it would be otherwise. When Mercury is strengthened, as it is in the seventh house, communication between you is easier and is a more prominent part of the relationship.

8H Composite Mercury

The position of Mercury in the eighth house of the composite chart will enable you to examine in depth the psychological forces that are at work in your relationship. These forces will be brought out and examined in the full light of consciousness. For this reason, the two of you should be more capable than most people at working out problems that may arise between you. Just be sure that you keep some sense of perspective about the whole process and do not allow yourselves to get carried away by it.

This placement of Mercury also means that the relationship will probably have an important effect upon the intellectual development of both of you. Your way of thinking about the world will be changed, although it is not possible to tell from this placement alone whether the change will be for good or ill. In general, however, the potential for understanding yourselves and each other is very great.

9H Composite Mercury

Composite Mercury in the ninth house grants a relationship a great deal of mental aliveness and interest in all new ideas that expand your collective awareness.

Together you may be interested in travel, literature, philosophy, or religion-interests that you did not have to the same extent before you came together. You will want explore and range widely, either in the real world or in the world of the mind. At the very least you both will find that your way of looking at the world has changed because of this relationship.

Others will recognize that the two of you have the intellectual capacity to rise above the daily concerns of life that so often bog people down and overwhelm a relationship with a mass of trivia. Together you will be concerned about larger issues that affect the world in general, and you will understand how these issues affect individuals, especially yourselves. Consequently you will have unusual foresight as a couple and will seldom be trapped by unforeseen circumstances.

In general, this relationship should enable your mind to grow and expand.

10H Composite Mercury

The key idea of Mercury in the tenth house of the composite chart is consciousness of life direction or purpose. This position implies that you both have a very strong feeling of purpose within your relationship. At the very least, you will discuss and think about your aims a lot. Mercury in the tenth house does not tell a great deal about what that purpose may be, but it does indicate that the issue will be important.

If your relationship exists for a business or professional purpose, this position suggests that you will work together successfully in such fields as communications, transportation, education, or writing.

In a personal relationship, nothing so specific is implied, except that communication at all levels will be important in fulfilling the purpose for which you have come together. There will be a strong intellectual bond between you. You will enjoy sitting and talking and sharing your ideas with each other. And the more you do this, the more you will grow as a couple.

This placement signifies that through reason, logic, communication, and thought-the functions of Mercury-you will achieve your maximum growth as a couple.

11H Composite Mercury

Mercury in the eleventh house of your composite chart gives the two of you a very hopeful attitude. You like to think about the future and make plans together. This position is likely to make you optimistic about your future as a couple.

Friends will play an important role in your life together, especially friends with whom you can exchange ideas and have witty and stimulating conversations. You will like people who are intelligent and also very lively, who can constantly present you with new ideas, rather than people who seem to be stagnant or stodgy. Younger people appeal to you especially.

At the same time, Mercury in the eleventh house is a sign that the two of you have similar intellectual goals and ideals. This increases your capacity for communication because you do not have to spend a lot of time defining basic issues for each other. Because your minds are compatible, you are able to understand each other much more quickly than you would otherwise.

12H Composite Mercury

Composite Mercury in the twelfth house indicates that the two of you will do much thinking and talking about the inner psychological aspects of your relationship. There will be considerable mental probing of yourselves and each other. At the same time, you are not likely to share this process with people outside the relationship. Others may view you as rather secretive or even clandestine in the way you communicate with each other. You will try to work out whatever problems you have within the relationship without appealing to outsiders. This is a good position for psychological self-understanding within a relationship.

However, careless probing into each other’s minds can degenerate into playing games with each other’s emotions. Be careful how you use the understandings you gain. If you use them to manipulate each other, you are likely to unleash forces that can undo the relationship. In particular, you may stop communicating and start keeping everything secret from each other. This is extremely dangerous in a relationship, because with a twelfth-house Mercury it is very likely to generate suspicion.

Find part 1 here!

☿ galaxy divider by @animatedglittergraphics-n-more ☿

[materialsscienceandengineering]

Relativistic spin-orbit coupling may lead to unconventional superconductivity type

Observing the effects of special relativity doesn't necessarily require objects moving at a significant fraction of the speed of light. In fact, length contraction in special relativity explains how electromagnets work. A magnetic field is just an electric field seen from a different frame of reference. So, when an electron moves in the electric field of another electron, this special relativistic effect results in the moving electron interacting with a magnetic field, and hence with the electron's spin angular momentum. The interaction of spin in a magnet field was, after all, how spin was discovered in the 1920 Stern Gerlach experiment. Eight years later, the pair spin-orbit interaction (or spin-orbit coupling) was made explicit by Gregory Breit in 1928 and then found in Dirac's special relativistic quantum mechanics. This confirmed an equation for energy splitting of atomic energy levels developed by Llewellyn Thomas in 1926, due to 1) the special relativistic magnetic field seen by the electron due to its movement ("orbit") around the positively charged nucleus, and 2) the electron's spin magnetic moment interacting with this magnetic field.

Read more.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Reference archived on our website (Thousands of reference, news reports, and more! Daily updates!)

Yet another showing that even a mild infection leads to lasting cognitive impacts. Mask up. Stay safe out there.

Abstract Severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 infection often involves the nervous system, leading to cognitive dysfunctions, fatigue and many other neurological signs that are becoming increasingly recognized. Despite mild forms of the disease accounting for most cases worldwide, research on the pathophysiology driving mild coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) has received little attention. In this respect, recent evidence has pointed out that around 30–40% of non-critical, mild-to-moderate severity COVID-19 survivors may display cognitive disturbances several months post-illness. Hence, the impact of COVID-19 on the brain structure and function, through potential neuropathological mechanisms underpinning cognitive alterations in post-mild COVID-19 infections, remains largely unexplored. This retrospective multicentre observational cohort study, entirely based on a healthcare worker sample (n = 65; 55% females, aged 21–61), investigated the cognitive status and the structural and functional brain integrity among non-hospitalized individuals who developed mild COVID-19 symptoms during the occurrence of severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 variants Alpha to Delta, compared with healthy controls tested before the pandemic onset. All evaluations were performed at an average of 9-month follow-up post-infection period. Participants completed a comprehensive neuropsychological assessment and structural and functional MRI exams. Radiological inspection sought to detect the presence of white matter hyperintensities on axial fluid-attenuated inversion recovery images. Global and regional grey matter integrity assessment, analysing changes in grey matter volumes and cortical thinning, and functional connectivity alterations of resting-state brain networks were also conducted. Regression analyses tested the relationships between the presence of specific cognitive impairments and potential structural and functional brain findings. Our results revealed that clinical, cognitive screening and neuropsychological examinations were average between both groups, except for specific impairments related to executive functions in the mild COVID-19. Compared to healthy controls, mild COVID-19 subjects exhibited increased juxtacortical white matter hyperintensities, thalamic and occipital volume loss and diminished resting-state functional connectivity involving the left precuneus and cuneus in default-mode network and affecting the right angular gyrus and left precuneus in the dorsal attentional network. Reduced thalamic volume was the only variable selected in the final model explaining the observed executive function impairment in mild COVID-19. The presence of cognitive, structural and functional brain abnormalities over time suggests that the action of widespread neurovascular and inflammatory phenomena on the nervous system might also occur in mild forms following COVID-19 infection rather than permanent brain damage linked to the direct or indirect action of the virus. Our findings emphasize the need to pay attention to the long-term brain-related consequences of mild COVID-19 infections during the original stream.

[hetagrammy]

I am once again thinking about Alasdair being the one who looks the most like Eigyr. His eyes have the same angular shape, his hair is that dark auburn struggling to wave, he starts to develop eye bags and forehead wrinkles in the same way. There’s a certain Look™️ he can do that the other siblings know 1) means oops someone did something wrong and 2) Is like seeing a ghost because she would pull the exact same expression. Something something parentified eldest sibling almost literally becoming the parent.

[babyblue711]

Redemption

Will (Salad Days) x Reader - Part 1/Part 2 Summary: You and Will reconnect after spending some time apart and learn that each of you has gone through their own difficult circumstances in those years. Your friendship develops into something more as you help each other heal from the past.  Words: 5.3K

Warnings: NSFW, language, sexual content (18+), mild BDSM (part 2), miscarriage, prison, divorce, infidelity, alcohol, mention of death A/N: This is my first attempt at fan-fiction ever, so please be kind. Thank you to my incredible beta readers for their expertise @megatardisbaby and @arcielee; your enthusiasm kept pushing me to continue writing this. And thank you to @myfandomprompts for encouraging me to start writing in the first place and for your amazing gifs.  Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Gravel crunches beneath your feet as you walk through the parking lot and a warm summer breeze blows through your hair. The air shimmers with a sense of unreality, a blur of colors and images that swirl around you. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot a familiar sight. You turn and realize you are looking at the back of your old black Jeep Wrangler. You know it’s yours because of the custom California license plate MRS M 97.  You want to scoff just looking at the plate, a wave of unease floods you, and confusion tugs at the back of your mind. How did it get here? You had left it behind as you had left everything else behind when you broke free from your cheating ex-husband. Your gaze lingers on the car for a moment. 

“Well, ‘elo, love,” a soft voice teases in your ear. You whirl to see an old friend standing before you. Your brain feels like quicksand as you try to make sense of his mirage-like presence; you aren’t even sure he is real. You hadn’t seen him in years, but when you look at him, it feels like yesterday. You puzzle at him, bemused by his attire. He’s wearing a grey hoodie under a black bomber jacket, joggers, and his typical black Adidas trainers. Very warm clothes for such a hot summer’s day. He’s tall, lean, and angular just as you remembered.  

His lips curve into a cocky smirk, while simultaneously exuding a sort of shy, quiet confidence. The merriment in his eyes slowly fading only to be replaced by something else. He suddenly grows serious, a haunted look in his deep blue eyes. 

“Y/N, I don’t want you to go,” he says unexpectedly. 

Your eyebrows knit together, not understanding what he means. Go? You think to yourself. Colors swirl, the glare from the sun seems to become blindingly bright but he’s the only thing that remains a sharp, clear image. You start to open your mouth to ask how he got there, when he suddenly steps towards you, crowding into your space. Your sense of reality is almost detached, like you are watching yourself from the sidelines. He looks down at you intensely as if making a decision. 

His eyes snap to yours. He presses his lips together as he raises his hands and lightly gives your shoulders a slight shove. Off balance, you fall backwards onto your Jeep. Your back hits the hard surface of the spare tire, bruising your spine but you don’t feel any pain. You huff out a breath and his lips are suddenly on yours, you tangle your hands into this hair as if it's the most natural thing to do, his body presses you firmly against the back of your car. You aren’t sure how things have escalated so quickly but realize you don’t care. You wanted more. 

 “Oh.…Will,” you sigh into his mouth.

The sound of your alarm suddenly jolts you awake. 

You shut it off with a groan and close your eyes again, hoping for more sleep. As your subconscious starts to drift off, you see Will’s face drift through your mind and your eyes snap open again, your heart jumps. Did you really just dream about making out with a childhood friend, let alone someone you hadn’t seen in years?  What the hell? 

You curse your brain for bringing up the past, mentally shaking your head as the memories flood you. Perhaps it was the familiarity of being back home that had conjured him up in your dreams. The last you had heard of Will was him being sent to prison. You didn’t know what became of him and you doubted you’d ever see him again.

You continue to lay in bed as your heartbeat returns to normal. The image of your old car, a gift from your ex-husband for your birthday one year, floats in your mind and gives you another jolt. You cringe inwardly at the bad memories it brought back of the life you used to have...before everything fell apart.

With a sigh, you swing your legs over the edge of the bed and gaze out the window. The view from your childhood bedroom felt so familiar, yet so suffocating. It had been years since you left this place, seeking adventure and a sense of independence. After uni, you spent some time traveling and living abroad. While you were in America, you met, fell in love, and married the perfect man. You loved how easy your relationship was - memories of laying in bed together, giggling over silly TikTok videos or sharing stories of your childhood; he was your best friend, your confidante. He was warm, caring, and compassionate...until he wasn't.

For a few years, you were happy; you both had great jobs, you bought a home and settled in California where his tech company was located. Then, as is the natural progression of any married couple, you tried for a family and quickly learned the hard way that it wasn’t as easy as it looked. Each miscarriage that you suffered began to take its toll on you mentally, emotionally and physically. You became a shell of the person you once were, haunted by the immeasurable grief of your losses. 

Your perfect marriage took a nosedive. He tried to be supportive but you just felt as if he blamed you. The final nail in the coffin was when you caught him cheating with his secretary. You knew at that moment that your marriage was broken beyond repair.

Unbearably heartbroken, you left him and everything behind in California. You fled back home to the UK and wished with every fiber of your being that you could just leave your old life behind in America. That the ocean between the two countries would swallow up your pain so that you couldn’t bring it with you.

Your parents were loving and supportive and had welcomed you back home with open arms, but you sunk into a deep depression. Your anxiety was so bad that anything that reminded you of your ex would make your heart race in fear; you couldn’t look at anything related to babies or children without wanting to vomit. Every breath you took felt like it cost you everything just to inflate your lungs, the weight of your grief felt like it was crushing you. You longed to escape the suffocating grip of your emotions but felt trapped, caught between the life you had lost and the uncertainty of the future.

Eventually though, you slowly began to heal. Every day, you put energy into rebuilding the life you had before you met him. You still couldn't recognize who you had become whenever you looked into the mirror, hating the feeling that you were back at square one, that you had made no actual progress with your life. You would forever be scarred by the events of the past, but you finally started putting one foot in front of the other again.

You got a job you mostly enjoy and your day now begins with a sigh as you start to get ready for work. You were traveling into Nottingham to run a small errand for the company you worked for and was glad for a change of scenery beyond the four walls of your dreary office cubicle. You change into a royal blue sundress, attempt to fix your hair and apply a little bit of makeup. You take a deep breath as you look at your reflection in the mirror and promise yourself that today was going to be a better day. After saying a hasty goodbye to your parents, you leave to catch the train into the city.

Finishing up work early, you step out from the office building. For once, the rays of warm sunshine seem to lift your mood. Feeling lighter, you decide you are not ready to return to the monotony of home life just yet. Retracing your steps, as you had done many times in your youth, you venture up the cobbled path of Stoney Street, the bustle and charm of the city making you feel a little more alive. Nostalgia swirls through you in waves as you realize so much had remained the same since you’d been gone, yet it felt like everything had changed. 

To your left and right was a colorful array of independent shops that lined the street, their inviting storefronts displaying an assortment of wares. The sunshine seems to brighten everyone’s mood as laughter and animated conversations spill out from cozy pubs and lively cafes, creating an ambiance of warmth and camaraderie. As you walk down the street, you admire the cute coffee shops, stylish boutiques, and quaint bookshops passed along the way. 

Although you considered yourself “well-traveled” by now, you can’t help but smile at how charming Nottingham truly was. Centuries-old architecture, with its intricate detailing and timeless beauty, stood side by side with modern storefronts, old and new melting together harmoniously.

You didn’t intend to stop anywhere, but your eye catches sight of an old favourite haunt of yours during your school days. You reach for the door handle of The Lace Market Fish Bar, deciding you were hungry for a snack. The door swings open and you almost run headlong into a familiar face. A bolt of electricity courses through you as you realize your dream has spilled into reality. 

“Oh, sorry,” Will mutters absentmindedly as you instinctively retreat a few paces. His gaze sweeps over you and it’s evident he doesn’t immediately recognize you. You hold your breath, unsure if you should say anything. 

Suddenly, recognition flickers in his eyes. “Wow, hey, Y/N,” he blinks rapidly, completely caught off guard. “Never expected to see you ‘round here again. Thought you moved away a long time ago.” 

“Will!” you exclaim, just as startled and caught off guard as he is. “I…. I did move away, I’m back now,” you try to contain a grimace. Uncomfortable silence hangs in the air for a beat as you both try to process seeing each other again after such a long time apart. 

A sense of surrealism washes over you, just like in your dream. You can’t help yourself from checking him out. Tall and lean, just as he was in high school, perhaps a little more filled out now. His light brown hair is tousled and shaggy, framing his face. While you always considered him good-looking, age only enhanced his beauty as a grown man now. His face has become a touch more angular, his cheeks slightly hollowed, his jaw defined; his nose, as ever, is sharp and straight. And his lips still curve seductively into the most perfect cupid’s bow that you had to remind yourself not to stare. He swapped his usual black joggers for dark jeans today, with a black t-shirt exposing his toned arms. He looks good, better than you remembered.

“Back?” he asks curiously, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “As in…for good?”

“For the time being,” you say, not wanting to get into the nitty gritty details. “It’s good to see you though,” and you mean it. “How’s your Nan?”

“She’s good, gettin’ on a bit now but she’s doing fine,” his tone is light but his smile is a little stiff. “I gotta bring her this now, actually,” he gestures at the takeaway in his hand. “It’s good seeing you...” he trails off, a little awkward. 

“You too, Will,” you reply, unsure where to go from here. He gives you a small smile, then turns and heads up the street. 

You venture into the shop and take a deep breath, trying to ground yourself in the present moment. You had not been expecting to run into anybody you used to know and you felt like your heartbeat was racing more than it should. Or perhaps it was the strange coincidence that you had just dreamed of him last night? You approach the counter and order your food, your thoughts drifting to memories of Will and his friends… 

You and Will were a part of the same group of friends in your youth. You took turns hanging out at the chip shop, smoking and chatting at the park, or going to the cinema. You smirk a little to yourself, remembering the crush you had on him throughout most of high school. But, at that age, you were the painfully shy type, both introverted and quiet. You wouldn’t really gain confidence and find your own voice until you went away to university. 

But as you were crushing on him, he was crushing on your best friend, Leah. She, on the other hand, was like a shining star, the object of desire for most boys in school; popular, bubbly and sweet, it was easy to see why Will preferred her to you, her quiet wallflower of a friend. You settled for just being his friend, figuring it was better than nothing. The two of you would text almost every day, and hang out together after school sometimes, but it never crossed over into anything other than “friendly”.

In high school, a tragedy struck Will’s life. The loss of his parents in a fatal car accident cast a dark shadow over his soul, forever altering the person he once was. He had a coolness to him now, like he was trying to become untouchable; still cocky and confident, but never loud or boisterous. There were times you would catch him silently brooding when he thought no one was looking, and it was then that you saw the pain behind his eyes. You never wanted to approach him about it, afraid bringing up the topic would only make it worse. Thus, you kept your concerns at bay, choosing silence over potential harm, all the while wishing for a way to ease his burden without risking further damage. When most of your mutual friends were getting ready to leave for school after graduation, essentially leaving him behind, that’s when the trouble worsened. 

Lost in your memories, you think back to the last time you saw him….

Flashback

It was the day before you left for uni. Your friend group had one last “going away” party but Will, Tom, and Matt were mysteriously absent. No one could reach them.

He had never not answered your text messages. Concerned, you decided to stop by Will’s house where he lived with his Nan the next morning before you left; one look of his face was enough to know something terrible had happened.

“Let’s take a walk,” you remember him saying. You walked together for a long time in silence, ending up alone with him in a grassy field, away from the town.

“Look, Y/N, I did something terrible,” his lower lip trembled as he stared out into space, his eyes so lost. You had never seen Will cry, not even when his parents died. Alarm bells rung in your head, your heart pounded in your chest at seeing this side of him. 

You grabbed his arm, turning him to face you. He wouldn’t meet your gaze, only staring down at his shoes. 

“Will, please tell me what has happened. Maybe I can help you!” you begged. 

“I don’t want to implicate you,” and your blood chilled with fear. Implicate? Could he be in trouble with the law? You didn’t know what else to do. You hugged him, wrapped your arms around his middle as he sobbed quietly in your ear, his tears terrifying you even further. You felt like crying yourself.

After a moment, he regained his composure, still holding onto you and whispered in your ear “I gotta get back to Nan, but, Y/N, if you hear anything…that something’s happened…just know I never meant for it to go that far.”

He refused to say more. You looked up into his face and saw his haunted, sad eyes pleading into yours. You nod, unsure of what else you could do to help him at this point. 

While at uni a few weeks later, you were chatting with your mum one evening when she broke the news to you. Will, Tom, and Matt had been caught stealing from the post office with a stolen firearm. You were shocked. Although they were always a mischievous and slightly troublesome trio, nobody had known that the boys had started breaking into homes and stealing for extra cash. Your heart broke upon hearing the news. The Will you knew was a good person, he had just traveled down a dark path and lost his way. Your mum explained that Will was most likely headed to prison for theft and possession of a firearm... 

Your order is ready, snapping you back to reality for a moment. You take your food and approach an empty booth, your mind still on Will. You wondered what had happened to him in the time that you had been apart. He obviously was out of prison now and he looked well cared for. You were glad to hear his Nan was doing ok, since she was all the family he had left now. You hadn’t heard about Matt, Tom, or Leah, as you had lost contact when you went away to school. Memories of the past consume you as you sit in the booth and attempt to enjoy your fish and chips, not nearly as excited about it as you had been before your chance encounter. 

Late that night, you were mindlessly scrolling on your phone, waiting for sleep to take you. You see a Facebook notification indicating a new message. You click it and see Will’s face. 

[Will]: Hey 

You stare at it for a minute until curiosity gets the better of you and you reply back. 

[Y/N]: Hey? 

You can’t help but be a bit surprised. The Will you used to know never had Facebook and hated all forms of social media. You tap on his profile to stalk him, but, aside from his photo, nothing else jumps out at you. His profile is quite blank. 

[Will]: I’m sorry about earlier when we bumped into each other. I was so short with you. 

Intrigued, you hadn’t expected an apology. You can see he is still typing so you wait. 

[Will]: You know... if you ever wanted to meet up sometime for a drink, I’ll always be about. Catch up for old time’s sake? 

You stare at his message. You reason that it would be good for you to get out of the house for once and you were curious to discover what had become of him. You type a reply, and you both agree to meet up after work on Friday. 

[Will]: Brilliant. See you then.

[Will]: Oh and just so you know, I created this profile just to find you. I still fuckin’ hate social media. What’s your number? I want to delete this already.

You press your lips together to try to contain a smile, that’s the Will you used to know. Impressed by the effort he went through to find you, you give him your phone number and he returns his. You go to sleep that night, your thoughts on him, again wondering how in the hell you had just dreamt of him and then he materializes like some sort of fucking premonition. For the first time in a while, you fall asleep easily, hoping to see him again in your dreams.

A few days later, you sit across from Will at the pub, enjoying a pint and each other’s company. Everything about him seems familiar yet different at the same time. He’s back in dark jeans again but has swapped his black t-shirt for a white one. Because of the heat, you have opted for a light summer dress, your favorite color, blue, with sandals. As usual, he’s a little quiet at first, but eventually warms up, telling you about his life since you had left. For the first time in a long time, you forget about your own painful past as you focus on him.

He looks down as if ashamed to meet your gaze, his knee bouncing up and down, slightly agitated as he recalls the bad memories. “I did a few years in the pen after Tom, Matt and I were busted for stealin’ from the post,” he said. “But after that, I knew I needed to turn my life around and be better, ‘specially for Nan,” he pauses and takes a deep breath through his nose. “After everything that had happened, I just wanted to make her proud,” he adds quietly.  

You nod sympathetically, “I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must have been tough but I’m glad to hear things are better now, Will. And what about your mates? What happened to them?" 

He frowns, “Haven’t seen any of ‘em since we were busted. Last I heard, Leah had Matt’s baby but they aren’t together anymore. Tom went off to school. I know nothin’ else. It’s no loss, really.” 

He shrugs like he doesn’t care but you know better than to believe his nonchalant attitude. His first defense mechanism was always to pretend to be tough and unbothered. You can see through his facade more easily now than when you were younger, the lingering hurt evident by the way he delivered the words. You remembered how tight-knit their group used to be, facing the world together with a sense of invincibility. It was a shame that his friendships didn’t withstand the trials and test of time.  

“Wha’ about you, though? Thought you married some fancy lad and moved across the pond, eh?” Will asks, raising his eyebrows, taking a sip of his beer and you suddenly feel like you’re sitting under a bright light. The memories you’ve tried so hard to bury resurface, anxiety blooming in your chest, attempting to claw its way up your throat. 

It must have shown in your face, for Will leans forward and places his hand on yours, looking concerned. “Hey, it’s ok, I’m sorry I asked. Just curious was all. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, “ he says softly, his thumb tracing small circles on the back of your hand.

You feel your breath hitch a little at the unexpected touch, but something about it calms you slightly, keeping you grounded. You decide to keep your sob story short, just as he did. 

“He cheated on me with his secretary so I divorced him. I told him I didn’t want anything from him. He kept everything, including our savings account. I….I  just wanted to be done with him. So I came back home to stay with mum and dad for a bit while I get back on my feet,” you ramble quickly as if saying it fast wouldn’t hurt as bad, but you knew you kept the worst part of your pain to yourself. You couldn’t find the strength to tell him about your miscarriages; the pain that you carried with you everywhere, thrumming underneath, was still too deep and too raw to talk about so casually over beers. Even though you hated your ex-husband, your babies would still always be yours.

You take a deep breath through your mouth and raise your eyes to meet Will’s gaze. He’s studying you as if he knows there’s something you’ve left out. His blue eyes seem to burn into yours, like he can sense the storm beneath your surface. Or maybe that was just your paranoia? You blink and look away, fearing that if you maintained eye contact, you’d start crying. 

You sit like that for a minute, focusing on your breathing as you try to control your anguish. You hate the way the memories still traumatize you after all this time. You squeeze his fingers, thankful for his calming reassurance. He squeezes yours back and you can feel the tightness in your chest dissipate slowly. 

“He didn’t deserve you anyway,” Will says quietly. Then, “Besides, you were obviously in America too long. You’ve barely got an accent anymore. Doubt you even remember how to make a decent cuppa.” He teases you, trying to lighten the mood. “I bet they don’t even have proper tea over there.”  

You can’t help but manage a small smile. “No, they really don’t”. 

“How did you survive?” he asks in mock horror.

You roll your eyes, enjoying his teasing, “I managed,” you chuckle and swat at his arm; he grins back at you, pleased to see you smile.

“You’ve changed too, you know,” you say after a beat. “You’re not the boy I used to know.”

“Yeah? How’s that?” a mischievous grin spreads across his face as he leans back in his chair, assuming a relaxed posture. He intertwines his fingers behind his head, as if inviting you to take a closer look. His confident demeanor seems almost intentional, like he’s on display for you. 

So you observe him, a small smile tugging at your lips. You shake your head, suddenly feeling shy just by looking at him. “I just think you’ve grown up, Will. You seem confident, happier now. Like...you’ve finally found yourself and know who you are.” 

He shrugs nonchalantly, maintaining his smirk, but there's a glimmer of satisfaction in his eyes. "And you," he counters, his voice laced with his playful banter, "you've finally outgrown Leah's shadow. You were so shy and quiet when we were younger,” he pauses as he studies you a bit, his eyes flicking over you. “I see that you’re not that same girl anymore. Life has dealt you a shitty hand, but it’s nothin’ you can’t overcome.”

You look down, trying not to blush or look too pleased. It had been ages since you felt “seen” by someone. Silence envelopes the conversation, but it’s not uncomfortable. 

You debate with yourself for a minute as a memory from the past nags at you and decide you have nothing to lose by asking. 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Will? The last time I saw you…” you trail off, looking up at him. You know that he knows exactly what you’re referring to.

His face falls a little as he grows serious again. “What could you have done for me? I would have had to admit to your face what I had done, how stupid I was. I was a coward and afraid. I couldn’t stand to see your disappointment,” he grimaces. “And I didn’t want to bring any trouble upon you either, with you headed to school and all.”

You nod, already expecting an explanation of this sort. 

“We’ve really been through some shit, haven’t we?” you remark with a small smile trying to make light of the past. You take a sip of your beer, realizing that by sharing each other’s pain and hardships, you feel less alone. 

“No kidding,” he huffs, then “C’mere,” he stands and pulls you to your feet. You are hesitant to stand, unsure of what he was doing. Will steps closer, lifting your arms slightly to indicate that you should wrap them around his neck, bending forward and embracing you into a tight hug, his own arms around your waist. 

You aren’t even sure when the last time somebody who wasn’t your mum hugged you like this. You want to scream and cry and crumble into his arms, the pain and memories of the past threatening to overwhelm you. Instead, you take a few deep breaths while Will whispers encouraging words into your ear. You aren’t even sure how long the hug lasts, but when you break free, you inexplicably feel a little lighter, as if the weight of your grief was crushing you a little less. 

Will was the last person you thought you’d reconnect with when you moved back home. Both of you were essentially rebuilding your lives from scratch. Will, having gone through the turmoil of being in prison, understood the weight of redemption and second chances. And you, having endured the pain and upheaval of divorce and multiple miscarriages, were struggling to pick up the broken pieces while navigating the grief that accompanies such profound loss.

You continue to see each other semi-regularly over the next few weeks. Over time, you start waking up feeling hopeful again. Anytime you see he has texted you, your heart skips a beat. You love hearing the sound of his voice: soft and low, it always brings you a sense of comfort. You fought to admit it for a long time, but you realize deep down that he has given you something to look forward to, and you haven’t felt that in such a long time. 

You didn’t necessarily know how to define your relationship as you were very much only looking for friendship. But there was something different about Will. You realize he had already secured a small piece of you, although you didn’t remember giving your heart permission to grant him any space. Your shared past pain of broken circumstances bonded you together and you were more than happy to take things slow while your broken heart mended. 

A few weeks after seeing him at the pub, he invites you to go to the cinema with him. He bought the tickets, you bought the drinks and popcorn, enjoying being able to treat him too. 

After the movie, as you head out of the theatre, you discover a rainstorm is pouring torrentially. You both hover underneath the awning of the cinema, not wanting to be completely soaked from the storm. 

After a few minutes, the rain shows no signs of letting up; Will turns to you and smiles.

“A little bit of rain never hurt anyone, right?” he asks, grinning as he holds out his hand. “I say we make a run for it.” 

So you take his hand and, together, you sprint towards the car, becoming completely drenched along the way. You shriek with laughter as you feel like you're getting hit by a waterfall, not just simple rain. Upon finally reaching the car, you wrench the door open and throw yourself inside the dry interior. 

Once safely inside the car, you turn and look at each other, giggling at the other’s soaked appearance, exhilarated from your sprint and from the chill of the rain. Will’s t-shirt is completely wet, his hair plastered to his forehead. You are quite certain you probably look just as bad, if not a little worse as you wipe mascara from under your eyes. You shiver a little in the passenger seat and Will places a warm hand on your knee as he starts the car to drive off and you can’t help but notice the way his eyes linger on your wet shirt, now clinging to your body. 

The rain has let up by the time he pulls up to your home. He stops in front of your house and, like a gentleman, walks you to the door. 

Turning towards him, you thank him again for the movie and lean up on tiptoe to give him a kiss on the cheek, expressing your gratitude. 

You can hear him hold his breath at your closeness, you see the way his eyes watch you as you lower yourself back down. Wordlessly, he grabs both sides of your face in his warm hands, holding you there. You stare up at each other for a beat; you had felt this coming in your gut and you wait for him to make the next move.

He leans down and kisses you, softly, sweetly, his lips molding into yours. You breathe in, inhaling his breath into your lungs, suddenly feeling your head spin, your heart race. 

He breaks the kiss after a moment. “I hope that wasn't too bold,” he says quietly, hands still cupping your face.

“Not at all,” you breathe back, sincerely meaning the words. 

It was at that moment you knew he had the potential to be more than just your friend.

>>>Part 2

[thevaelguard]

Welcome to another, Can You Make Sebastian Vael in [x]?

First time it was Veilguard. Second time it was Inquisition, so working backwards, our third time will be Dragon Age 2!

The answer? OF COURSE !!!!!

It was so close that during the first few hours of playing with him, I caused myself to develop my own uncanny valley for the not-quite-Seb that was accompanied by EXTREME nausea any time he talked during Act 1!!!

I'm going to preemptively say this is a 9.9/5, the only way you could get any closer is if you copied his head and pasted it onto Hawke's file instead.

I'm not going to list the differences and close parts that I usually do, buuuuut, I am going to list below the unique assets that the real Sebastian has that aren't available in Hawke's CC!:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-His hairstyle! I know there's 5 different hairstyles that feature a similar swoop back, but, surprisingly, Seb's is a more brushed and farther back widow's peak then you can do for Hawke! I decided on the hairstyle that had the widow's peak, at the cost of it looking messy

-His eye shape is also unique, its shape is similar to eye preset 2 but has less detail to it like preset 1 (which is the one I went with). The real Sebastian's is very gentle looking, Clone!Seb often looked like a soulless husk :)

-Where his eyebrows and nose meet are also unique. He has a bump like one of the presets, but it's reduced and the preset was not aquiline at all. I went for the preset that was, but also noticed none of the noses had raised nostrils like his do!

-His lips are surprisingly unique as well?? There's not too much of a difference, but his lips are rounder than Hawke's (he also has a bit of an underbite, at least according to the game!)

-His chin is also rounder ?? It's more circular than Hawke's more sharp angular one, very interesting!

[jellolegos]

do you like the season 1 or season 2 costumes better?

Season 2 absolutely!

Read below the cut for further analysis :) (after 5 years on tumblr I just learned how to do this!)

I think both on a world-building and aesthetic level they really did a much better job in season 2 than in season 1. I am going to plug this creator on TikTok who really does a great job of going over the costumes from a technical point of view!

I do really empathise with some of the challenges of season 1, both in needing to incorporate a lot of variation spatially/temporally as we see this large ensemble cast age and change, and in needing to try to develop a visual language for Westeros could reasonably precede the costumes GOT.  I can't imagine the task of designing costumes for 9+ characters, and having them also need to 'speak' to each character's ever-shifting attitudes, life-stages, and backgrounds (e.g. Laena leaving for Pentos).

However, I think it did miss the mark a little in developing all of those things. I guess to a person who knows absolutely nothing about costuming and design (me!) the overwhelming sensation was that it felt like the pieces weren’t acting in dialogue with each other, something that was more apparent with some of the things you’ve heard/read me say about the Valyrian angularity vs Westerosi curves that is introduced in season 2. 

Valyrian angularity (Rhaenyra, dragonriders, Mysaria, Jace and Baela):

vs.

Westerosi curves (Jeyne, Alicent). Even though they aren't really on the same side of the conflict really, there does seem to be the development of an idea of common 'Westerosi' fashion for higher born women.

One of my highlights for the season 1 dress was the Byzantine looks for Rhaenyra’s coronation. I have been a long time advocate for the Byzantine influence on the ASOIAF (Kings Landing vs. Constantinople, some of the religious organisation, martial similarities, etc.), which I think is just not as recognisable to the general reading public because a lot of scholarship disproportionately favours post-Roman/Western Empire developments over continuation of Roman tradition in the East (ask me about that one!). Anyway, it was so lovely to see some of that incorporated, even if it didn’t make it much past that episode.

Some of the other looks I liked were the fur-lined coats, Jahaerys’ look (we see these chains come back for Aegon…), the Velaryon looks (which got scaled back in season 2 :() and some of the waist-chains and metalwork looks we saw with Alicent. 

It did feel like season 1 took bigger swings, and I really admire the ambition. I think the fact that I can barely tell Alicent's looks apart this season aside from the gradual change in colour (and I spend a lot of time looking at Alicent!) is probably not great, but I can also see it making in-world sense.

[shy-writes]

Eterna lore: races pt 1

okay i said i was gonna do it and i'm nothing if not a goblin of my word. here's the breakdown on the races and social hierarchy on the planet Eterna! starting from the top

(note: each race has inherent powers, but all races tend to have some grasp on general magic)

The Rune

Position: The Rune are the gods of this world. Except, unlike gods on Earth, these fellas are super hands-on. They created the races and they rule over Eterna. Nothing happens without their approval. Despite their prominent roles in the lives of Eternals, however, the Rune are hardly ever actually seen. They're kind of like those real historical figures that balloon into legends, except they also control the government.

Physical appearance: The Rune are a bit eery. They're weirdly smooth, splotched with stark white and black, and they have very few discernible facial features. Their eyes are more like clusters of sensors and they have huge, deer-like antlers. Their bodies more or less resemble flowing sheer robes.

Powers: The limits of their powers aren't well-known, but it's generally assumed that they're all-powerful. Still, it's important to note that they are NOT omniscient.

Naming conventions: Their names are very short, usually two or three letters, and very vowel-centric. Examples: Uo, An.

The Gray

Position: The Gray are kind of like the mouthpiece for the Rune. They're the only class that communicates directly with the Rune, and they're responsible for enacting their will. They're also responsible for things like weapons development or whatever scientific studies the Rune have an interest in.

Physical appearance: The Gray are similarly featureless, but more humanoid and less Eldritch beast. They're bald and have pointed ears, gray skin, pupil-less eyes, and tend to run gaunt and scrawny.

Powers: Enhanced intellect

Naming conventions: Usually one or two letters, and they usually name themselves. They're more like labels than names. Examples: M, HK

The Lucinne

Position: The Lucinne are kind of like the "face" for the Rune. They're employed by the government in some capacity, but they don't have any real power. They're mostly responsible for hosting events and presenting a sanitized vision of the Rune and their society.

Physical appearance: They have paper-white skin, pale eyes, and long, pointed ears. They have very large eyes (think Alita: Battle Angle levels of uncanny valley). Their faces tend to be pretty angular, and sometimes they have beauty marks (not always naturally). It's become popular for Lucinne to change the shape of their eyebrows and pupils to match whatever extravagant hairstyle and outfit they've chosen.

Powers: All Lucinne have telepathy, but many of them have other powers generally helpful in their roles, like affecting the mood of a room or basic illusions.

Naming conventions: Very fancy, elegant names whose extravagance dip into the absurd at times. Examples: Halloinelle, Lyrandette.

pt 2 will be up shortly!

Eterna is a queer scifi fantasy about aliens, superheroes, magic, and the terror of falling in love. Follow this blog for updates and sneak peeks!

[subir-astrologer]

IS SATURN CONSIDERED A BENEFIC OR MALEFIC PLANET IN ASTROLOGY

In Vedic astrology, Saturn, known as Shani, is traditionally considered a malefic planet, but its influence is multifaceted and deeply nuanced. Saturn is the planet of karma, discipline, and perseverance, often associated with hardships, delays, and life lessons.

However, its role is not purely negative, and under certain circumstances, Saturn can act as a benefic force, bringing structure, responsibility, and long-term rewards.

Lets understand Saturn in both of its malefic and benefic aspects and the conditions under which it exerts its influence IN GENERAL.

Saturn as a Malefic Planet

1. Symbol of Hardships and Discipline: Saturn is often seen as a harsh taskmaster, symbolizing the challenges and difficulties one must face in life. It governs limitations, delays, and restrictions, compelling individuals to confront reality and learn life’s harsh truths. Saturn’s influence can manifest as obstacles in career, relationships, and personal growth, often requiring immense effort to overcome.

2. Karmic Retribution: In Vedic astrology, Saturn is the planet of karma, delivering the results of past actions. Its malefic nature arises from its role in bringing the consequences of negative karma to the forefront. This process can result in suffering, setbacks, or failures, which may feel punitive but are meant to correct one’s path and encourage spiritual growth.

3. Planet of Delay, Not Denial: Saturn’s energy is slow-moving and deliberate. It often delays rewards or achievements, testing an individual’s patience and perseverance. For example, Saturn’s transit through key houses or during periods like Sade Sati (the seven-and-a-half-year transit over the natal Moon) can bring significant challenges, fostering growth through adversity.

4. Association with Fear and Detachment: Saturn governs fear, detachment, and isolation. It often compels individuals to face their deepest insecurities, making them feel lonely or unsupported. This sense of separation can be distressing, contributing to Saturn’s reputation as a malefic planet.

When Saturn Acts as a Benefic Planet

Despite its challenging nature, Saturn can play a profoundly positive role under certain conditions. Its benefic influence often arises when it is well-placed in a natal chart or during favorable planetary alignments.

1. Favorable Signs and Houses: Saturn performs exceptionally well in its own signs—Capricorn and Aquarius—and in Libra, where it is exalted. In these placements, Saturn’s disciplined and structured energy manifests constructively, leading to success, stability, and authority. For example, Saturn in the 10th house (the house of career) can signify a strong work ethic and professional accomplishments.

2. Role as a Yogakaraka: For certain ascendants, Saturn acts as a yogakaraka, a planet capable of delivering auspicious results. For Taurus and Libra ascendants, Saturn’s rulership of both a kendra (angular) house and a trikona (trine) house makes it highly beneficial, promoting material success and spiritual growth.

3. Rewards of Hard Work: Saturn rewards persistence, discipline, and integrity. Those who embrace its lessons and put in sustained effort often experience long-term benefits, such as financial stability, career success, and personal growth. Saturn’s rewards are slow but enduring, emphasizing the value of delayed gratification.

4. Spiritual Growth and Maturity: Saturn’s influence fosters introspection and spiritual development. By forcing individuals to confront their limitations, Saturn encourages humility, resilience, and inner strength. These qualities are essential for achieving spiritual enlightenment and self-realization.

5. Transformative Periods: While periods like Sade Sati or Dhaiya (Saturn’s two-and-a-half-year transit over key houses) are feared, they can also be transformative. These times often lead to significant personal growth, helping individuals overcome ego, build character, and align with their higher purpose.

Saturn’s Dual Nature: A Balanced Perspective

Saturn’s classification as a malefic planet is rooted in its role as a disciplinarian and enforcer of karmic justice. However, labeling it purely as malefic oversimplifies its complex nature. Saturn operates as both a judge and a teacher, delivering lessons that are tough but ultimately constructive. Its energy is essential for fostering discipline, responsibility, and long-term success.

The dual nature of Saturn can be summarized as follows:

As a Malefic: Saturn brings challenges, delays, and hardships, testing an individual’s resilience and patience.

As a Benefic: Saturn provides structure, rewards hard work, and fosters spiritual growth, leading to lasting achievements and wisdom.

Factors Influencing Saturn’s Role

1. Placement in the Natal Chart: Saturn’s influence depends on its sign, house placement, and aspects with other planets. A well-placed Saturn can mitigate its malefic effects and enhance its positive traits.

2. Dashas (Planetary Periods): During Saturn’s dasha or antardasha (sub-period), its influence becomes prominent. Whether this period is beneficial or challenging depends on Saturn’s position in the chart and its relationship with other planets.

3. Transits: Saturn’s slow-moving transits can significantly impact life events. Favorable transits can bring stability and success, while unfavorable ones may lead to delays and obstacles.

4. Individual Karma: Saturn’s role is deeply tied to an individual’s karmic baggage. Those with positive karma may experience Saturn’s energy as constructive, while those with unresolved negative karma may face greater challenges.

In Vedic astrology, Saturn is a complex and influential planet, traditionally categorized as malefic but with the potential to act as a benefic force.

Its energy is challenging, compelling individuals to confront their limitations and embrace discipline, hard work, and perseverance. Yet, Saturn’s lessons are ultimately aimed at fostering growth, maturity, and spiritual evolution.

By understanding and respecting Saturn’s dual nature, individuals can navigate its influence more effectively, transforming challenges into opportunities for lasting success and fulfillment.

[vaguely-concerned]

A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 1

Basically exactly what it says on the tin! I kept making notes while I was reading and somehow it grew into this sprawling monstrosity that had to be split into three parts haha. In short: I loved this book, 10/10 incredibly gay and full of yearning Garak is there the whole time would recommend. 

Quotes from the book in normal text, my reflections, reactions and self-indulgent bits in italics :) Please, please only click on that read-more if you're ready for some truly long-winded nonsense, I fear I have gone and been extremely myself about this and I can only beg your forbearance for it while I get it out of my system lol

Part 2, Part 3

- My dear Doctor:

Forgive my delay in responding to your kind communications. I wanted to give this modest chronicle I’ve enclosed a modicum of organization and update it before I sent it on to you. Thank you for your concern. I have thought of you often since our last meeting, and I am pleased to hear that your life on Deep Space 9 remains challenging and productive. Considering all the changes that have taken place I would have expected nothing less. And I’m certainly not surprised that your research proposals have been accepted. You’re a brilliant young scientist—even if you are genetically enhanced. As for my life here …

This is such a deceptively innocuous and normal-sounding beginning to what is about to be an extremely unnormal and unhinged thing to send a friend as a letter. He made it all of one paragraph of keeping it chill and I honestly think that’s pretty impressive all things considered. Thankfully Julian Bashir — who, let’s not forget, gave Jadzia his fucking diaries to read after much shorter acquaintanceship than what what we’re operating on here — is possibly the one person in the galaxy with the unhinged energy to take it.  

(‘I have thought of you often’ he says. And how., as we shall see)

- Yes—I’m afraid you weren’t expecting this response to your kind inquiry; it goes a bit further than “Greetings from Cardassia—Wish you were here.”

Fhksjdfhasdkj well. In spirit that is exactly what you’re saying tho garak fhdskjaas. It’s just that you’re also pathologically incapable of shutting the hell up and for this I love and treasure you. 

- So why Captain Sisko is so upset with me because I accomplished the goal (which he established!) of getting Romulus into the war against the Dominion baffles me. And it’s not because of the few lives that were sacrificed. Federation expansion has taken a toll in countless life-forms—about most of which they are blissfully unaware. The moment you step into a garden and begin to cultivate and prune, you become a killer. Perhaps the captain was upset because he had hesitated to do what was necessary to insure the integrity of his garden. Sentimentality is another trait that makes humans dangerous.

*Garak voice* Julian please tell me why your boss is so mad at me I literally solved all his problems for him. for which he’s wELCOME btw

Eyes open for recurring metaphors about gardeners, Tolan is haunting this narrative and it’s only polite to say hello whenever he shows up

- Indulge me, if you will; I need you as a witness.

Can I just say how fucking wild it is in terms of character development for Garak to openly admit he needs someone interpersonally. Incredibly fucked up that he writes both parts of this directly to Julian, though — both the part where he’s pretty sure he’s going to die trying to free Cardassia from the Dominion, and the ‘now’ timeline on post-war Cardassia where he seems to be dazedly coming to the realization that he might live, actually, and what that means to him. 

- As a child I would go to the Tarlak Sector with Father, and while he supervised his crews I’d play by myself amid the black-and-white angularity of the monuments, imagining myself a great gul or legate giving the funeral oration for a fallen comrade. 

Already we are starting to spot the thread, if you’ll excuse the expression, of why Garak might be Like That

I also came to admire Damar’s idealism, which led him to renounce his allegiance to the Dominion. If he had one weakness it was his propensity for long-winded speeches. But given the fact that none of us are perfect, the man would have made a fine leader.

As I stood at the memorial service, I thought about all the grand affairs I had witnessed here when I was a boy. None of our famed heroes and statesmen has ever had such a humble service—and none of them, from Tret Akleen on, deserved more than Corat Damar.

You are a species of long-winded speakers and Pythas Lok 

- Dr. Parmak, the unit leader, worked furiously to stabilize the little girl, and when she was evacuated by the transport unit he broke down. He’s a very good man, this Dr. Parmak; he reminds me of an older version of you, Doctor. 

Introducing Dr. Kelas Parmak, last seen in the then-noodle incident mentioned in The Die is Cast. Quite possibly the chillest person who has ever lived, considering he gets over the whole thing where Garak like tortured him pretty fast. (To be fair Garak DID say he was sorry. Between this case and Odo’s, that apparently goes a surprisingly long way lol) 

- But Garak, you’ll say, there’s no excuse for killing a defenseless woman. And there isn’t… unless you’ve been brought up in our system.

I love that he keeps a little Julian around in his head to talk to at all times. That’s one of the most freakishly intimate things in this whole book of freakish intimacy. Garak has a little Tain on one shoulder and a little Julian on the other shoulder and they have heated debates as to the validity of murder as a solution to any given problem that’s put before him

- I also thought about this Cardassian sense of duty and how it is largely responsible for bringing those of us who are left to these current circumstances. I asked Dr. Parmak how an entire people can come under the sway of this duty and blindly give allegiance to a state that goes mad and murders its own children.

“Poisonous pedagogy, Elim,” he replied. “We believe what we are taught.”

Poison/Disease contagion is a metaphor that will wind through this whole thing,and different people mean different things by it. Parmak means it about The Facism, which is the right one. You’ll be unsurprised to hear that Dukat Sr. has a rather different spin on it, and that he’s wrong! 

- But Tain at home was anything but mysterious. It was not unusual for Uncle Enabran to appear and take me away on some excursion that involved a long walk through a section of the city. During these walks he’d test my awareness, and challenge me to describe a house or a person we’d just passed. If I hadn’t been paying attention and couldn’t remember the details, the walk was over and we’d silently return home under the oppressive weight of his disapproval. He also seemed to know how I was performing at school, and if he wasn’t satisfied with my progress or behavior he’d punish me. I was a hard worker but I had a mischievous streak, and I enjoyed getting others involved in questionable activities and arranging it so they were found out and took the blame. On those rare occasions when I was caught, Tain would somehow find out and punish me—not for my misdeed, but for having been caught. And after he discovered my fear of small, dark spaces, his favorite punishment became keeping me in one until I had convinced him that I had analyzed and fully understood how my mischievous scheme had gone wrong. I found it odd that Mother and Father never had anything to say about these punishments.

. . . 

At first I thought I was in trouble, and my face must have reflected this fear because Father attempted to reassure me with a forced smile. But the uncharacteristic falsity of his behavior and his barely concealed agitation only made the situation worse. I had never seen him like this. Mother’s face was a mask; it revealed nothing. She spoke as if I needed to clean off the day’s work before we ate.

Garak treats him and Bashir ‘drifting apart’ the same way he describes his young self being trained by Tain to go over his ‘mistakes’ — what did I do wrong? You also see it (almost most heartbreakingly to me) from Tolan when he gets sharper out of worry at the end of the scene where the agent comes to take Garak away to the Bamarren Institute: 

I was stunned. I wanted to ask more, I wanted to ask about the dedication ceremony that afternoon, but I didn’t dare. Father had that look when one of the workers didn’t get it right the first time. But what had I done wrong? 

Oh buddy. He’s so fucking confused. The only thing you’ve done wrong yet is having been born with some connection to Enabran Tain, Elim, I’m so sorry

- We were the “missing pieces”—and in order to find our place in the mosaic of civilized society, we had to be broken down and reconstructed from the bottom up.

Keep your eyes open for ‘broken down and reconstructed’ too, it will be on the final test lol

- The good captain gave me one of his bemused stares.

Sisko ILU. He’s not in this book a lot so I’ll take the chance to say it here, because I do. 

- It was explained to us that until we became disciplined in our relations with the “complementary gender” we would make better progress this way. When I asked One Tarnal how we would learn this discipline without interaction between the sexes, he blinked and mumbled something about “distractions.” When I asked what that meant I was told that I had a loose mouth and given five days of hygiene-chamber maintenance as punishment.

“You don’t know enough to ask so many questions.”

Elim 'Genuinely & Guilelessly Too Deeply Pansexual To Be Able To Follow This Logic’ Garak

- Pythas/Eight descriptions because this is a bad mutual crush situation: 

- Unfortunately, the only student left was quiet Eight Lubak, who kept completely to himself. He agreed to accompany me and quickly moved to the door. He was short and slender, and his dark eyes and long lashes made him look younger than the rest of us. He was almost too delicate for a Cardassian. I was not encouraged … but I had no choice.

‘Dark eyes and long lashes’ huh lol

I started to follow him, but he made it clear that I should stay where I was and wait. All during this, Eight was quiet and controlled—and as sure of himself as if he’d done this many times. How did he know where he was going?

. . .

His face was dark, intense with concentration; his brow ridges, which were unusually pronounced, cast shadows over his eyes. My heart began to pound when I realized what Eight was planning. These were certain to be older students, but he expressed no hesitation, no doubt.

. . .

I didn’t know then if I could ever call Eight a friend. Something about him was strange and impenetrable. But it didn’t matter. At least I knew there was one person in my section I could trust. How I had misjudged him. It was obvious that Eight had what Cardassians call a ferocious spirit—and that I could learn a great deal from him.

. . .

Eight also came from a “service” family background, and it was soon clear to everyone that he should have been designated One Lubak, a fact not lost on the actual holder of that designation who, judging from his behavior and speech, came from the highest echelons of our society.

. . .

Five was an athlete who also did well in class. I could see that he was attracted to Eight. As indeed I was. 

Big round of applause for Andrew Robinson managing to sneak the skywritten subtext into the text like this, it’s an exceedingly rare gift to get to have from the media of this time 

. . .

But by then the group had passed. What murk? Me? Have all the others been captured? Surely not Eight. I couldn’t believe that was possible.

. . .

The only member of my group who performed as well in all areas was the taciturn Eight.

. . .

The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

. . .

Eight remained for a few more minutes. I had the feeling that he wanted to say something more to me. Suddenly he turned and disappeared behind a barrier. The air was filled with whatever went unsaid. He was as shy as anyone I had ever known.

The boys are being useless lesbians at each other omg……… what must this whole mess look like from Pythas’ POV tho. He’s been keeping an eye on his friend/crush so he doesn’t get himself killed by running his mouth off too much to the wrong person and before he knows it the guy is embroiled in an inadvisable bisexual sandwich of betrayal and savage intrigue. I wonder if anything would have been different if Garak and Pythas had managed to actually talk to each other here.   

- Eight was the only person who deserved number One as much as I did—maybe more. My solitary behavior was not always in service to the group. Eight and I exchanged encouraging looks. The support of my one constant friend was all I wanted. I sat there and shut out everything else.

*Garak whenever someone prefers Pythas over him* understandable honestly I’d do the same thing he’s the best have a nice day

End Pythas/Eight teen crush corner

- My mind wandered. I was sure that I heard sounds of the women students gusting with the winds. Suddenly mother materialized … she looked like she was apologizing. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but her image dissolved and … Father took her place. I knew he was telling me something very important, but I was growing dizzy and afraid that I’d join Six on the ground … his words were carried away by the winds.

Suffering and agony

Some assorted 'Just assure me that I'm not going mad, Doctor'/Garak's ever-tenuous grip on his mental health moments:

-I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised that he knew. Instead, I was grateful; it told me I wasn’t going mad.

A recurring worry for him I’m sure it means nothing! I feel the same fellowship with him as I do with Harrow in The Locked Tomb series, which I’m sure says even less, don’t worry about it.  

And how do we even begin to rebuild a world that doesn’t exist anymore? A world that exists in my mind with the same arid bitterness as the dust in my mouth. I have never lived with despair, Doctor, the way I live with it now. It’s almost like a phantom companion that shadows me and casts doubt on whatever I do.

“Why save him?” it asks, as we remove a young boy from the rubble of a school. “You’re only keeping him alive for a future of privation and chaos. Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to join the burial unit?”

I want to scream at this phantom, to shut it up. Once I turned around suddenly and raised my hand to strike it. When I realized it wasn’t there, it was too late. Everyone in the unit was looking at me; I’m sure I must have looked like a madman. Dr. Parmak tried to send me home, but I refused—alone it’s even worse.

I’m just imagining Julian arriving on Cardassia like ‘hey yeah I got your letter and we should fuck about it right now but first of all have you told Parmak you’ve been having vivid hallucinations again because that’s very relevant medical information Garak!!!’ 

- But it was in the Pit and my work with Calyx that I suffered the most. My dreaming made me “an air man.”

“You have no grip, no focus. How can you find your strength if you can’t hold your place? Living in your dreams is like living in exile.”

*whisper* pls don't...

- As I tried to put faces on the shadowy children, they began to approach me. They became more distinct as they moved through the rain and haze. Can you believe it, Doctor? They weren’t my schoolmates; they were the Cardassian orphans from the Resettlement Center on Bajor we once visited. The orphans left after the Cardassian occupation forces withdrew. The same young girl was their leader and her lips formed the same question.

Have you come to take us home?

I jumped up. I felt the shed closing in, threatening to swallow me. I ran out into the rain and gloom.

“There is no home anymore! Can’t you see that? Look around you! It’s gone!” I screamed at them and fell to my knees in the sodden waste. They continued to stare back with that same look of fragile trust that I would somehow relieve them of their fear and bring them home. I couldn’t look at them anymore and dropped down into the muck. My despair was no longer just a voice; it was this monstrous world the evil had created, and it surrounded and overwhelmed me.

I don’t know how long I remained curled up in the mud. I felt myself being lifted and half carried, half dragged back into my shed. It was Dr. Parmak. He cleaned and changed me as best he could. He prepared a cup of Tarkalean tea, which made me think of you, Doctor. How ironic, another doctor pulls old Elim out of the muck of his despair, but this time he’s a Cardassian.

The fact that in the episode itself, Garak (in a haze of endorphins and practiced dissociation) is barely like ‘yes yes I’m sure we’re ALL very upset about the orphans. Or whatever. Well what do you want me to do about it Doctor it’s just the way of the world’ and then it just haunts him horrifically for the rest of his life forever and ever the end! Very on brand.  

Garak does seem to genuinely like and care for children in general, which makes my heart all weird and sad

Also Parmak making Tarkalean tea and Garak being like ‘oh. Like Julian :’(‘ about it my HEART. The fact that he’s a serial befriender of very patient kindhearted doctors willing to put up with his nonsense is probably the only reason he’s still alive lol. Thank u Parmak

- A difficult move under pressure against strong physical resistance from an opponent … and something would snap. A painful blow might set it off, a whispered insult, perhaps just a thought or a feeling of hopelessness, and I would suddenly lose control and lash out like a madman. I became suffused with a raging, crimson anger that poured out from some black hole somewhere deep inside me.

I feel like we see the outlines of this still in him by the time of the show — more tucked away and harnessed, but definitely still there. He’s got an instinctive Fight response a mile wide, it’s just that these days he mostly expresses it by becoming incredibly fucking MEAN when he feels threatened rather than outright physical attack. 

- And there was a soothing quality as it spoke of dry legal definitions. It acted as a balm for my bruises and bitterness. I began to feel such longings. It was like hearing music that you love when you least expect it. How I missed Mother, and working with Father in the flower beds. How I longed for home. I dropped my guard and surrendered to the voice. The tears I was determined never to shed accompanied choking waves of shame and relief, sadness and joy. I finally was able to admit to myself how unhappy I was.

*me with my magnifying glass studying the Palandine/Bashir parallels* listening to Bashir talk about Federation nonsense things presumably fills much the same niche in Garak’s psyche as this haha

- “I assure you, I am not in the habit of attacking people I don’t know in public places. We got our feet tangled in the crush, and he went down—just as, moments before, I nearly wiped out the scent display when he ignored the fact that I was standing in his path. I trust he’s not hurt.”

“I expect more from you, Garak,” Odo lectured. “We’re all under a great deal of strain.”

“As am I, Constable. Please, sit down at least. I feel like a schoolboy being disciplined by the docent.”

Odo sighed and awkwardly perched on the barstool next to mine. 

Their dynamic is. Everything to me. Also we learn later that the guy Garak picks a fight with here because he’s upset Julian is hanging out with Miles (lmao oh… buddy) isn’t just anyone or on impulse, but is one of the most hostile-to-Garaks Bajorans on the entire station with a small gang behind him, and Garak knows exactly who he is. Which lends it a certain… something. Almost an edge of very roundabout self-harm.  

“I can’t stay long. I have to finish dealing with this …”

“ … situation,” I finished. “You’re very fortunate, Odo.”

“How so?” he asked.

“These people have come to trust you. They rely upon you. You’ve made a real connection here.”

Odo merely grunted. I was careful not to mention Major Kira, knowing how reserved he was on the subject.

“Do you still want to go home?” I asked.

The question startled Odo, and for a moment the mask of official reserve dropped from his face. This was the first time I had brought up the subject since his admission to me during the “interrogation” in the Romulan warbird and Tain’s ill-fated attempt to destroy the Founders’ homeworld.

“ I … can’t say,” he replied ambiguously.

“Well, I can. There’s certainly nothing here to keep me.”

“I never told you how sorry I was about Ziyal’s death.” Odo could be quite sensitive in such matters.

“You did, actually,” I nodded. “But thank you.”

“Still, you and Dr. Bashir have created a strong bond.”

“Not really,” I answered quickly. “I’m afraid that what I have to offer has run its course. It’s certainly no match for darts.” I heard the bitterness of my tone, and so did Odo. We sat in silence for a moment.

“I understand you’ll be involved in the invasion. You must be pleased.” Odo steered us away from the heaviness that had descended.

. . . 

“When do you want to schedule your consultation?” I asked. Odo—no doubt influenced by his budding relationship with the Major—was about to branch out sartorially. But it occurred to me that Quark was the last person he wanted to know about it.

“We’ll talk,” he replied, nodding to Quark as he briskly marched back to the Promenade.

AHdorable all around. Hilarious that Odo picked up on trouble in human/lizard paradise and, with the vigor of a person who has freshly had love work out for them for the first time, going ‘not on my fucking watch you’ll talk to each other if it’s the last thing I do’. Also the sheer readiness with which he expects Julian to be Garak’s safe place. What on earth does this relationship look like to outside observers. Especially to Odo, practiced observer of humanoid folly, who completely nails Garak’s whole deal in Improbable Cause to the point that Garak lashes out defensively over it.   

- My solitary confinement was agony. The only way I got through it was to rethink all my attitudes about the Pit and the Wilderness and to focus on how I could make my stratagems more effective. Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?

Going through the whole book it is so stunningly awful that this IS the logic his inner world is shaped around for the vast majority of his life, right up until the ‘present’ part of the storyline where it’s being slowly deconstructed and reassembled. 

- I apologized to the others for disrupting their family; I explained that I had great need of this creature. Not only was Mila (as I eventually called him) the answer to my current problem, he was as important as any of the docents at Bamarren, with the possible exception of Calyx.

;_______________________________________________________________; there’s no part of this that isn’t crushing

Unlike the last time, I had preparation and an ally.

Tain really had to work at deadening Garak’s ability to form loyalty to anything else but him, because left to his own devices and natural instinct Garak will clearly packbond with ANYTHING. He’s so desperate to belong to someone and be loyal to them. 

- As the sun came up, the otherworldly beauty of the Wilderness was gradually revealed by each succeeding gradation of light. I was deeply moved by the presence of so much color in what had initially looked like a dead world to me. Beginning with a cold pale gray, the dawn flowed through a range of blues and into the softest rose and pink and then to a hot red that soon gave way to the merciless bleached bone-white of midday. I was able to see how much territory I had covered the previous night.

Can I just say how unspeakably tender it is that he takes the time to write this out in this. It serves literally no purpose in this narrative but sentiment — to be beautiful. He saw something beautiful once that moved him and he wants to share it with someone. What the fuck. 

- I became increasingly concerned; the sun was getting higher, and the overhanging ledge was now my last source of shade. At one point I took Mila out of his wrapping to check on his condition. At least that’s what I told myself. I was afraid that if I was honest and admitted that the real reason was to solicit help from a regnar, the slide into total insanity would be swift and sure. I was getting desperate.

The funniest and saddest thing I’ve ever read fhdskjfas emotional support regnar that he names after his fucking MUM hours. There are things going on with Garak no psychologist could ever hope to get to the bottom of 

- Three more members of the Furtan group were on the other side of the rock formation, but Mila had found a hidden depression that required some quiet digging to get into, and we avoided detection. We settled in and resealed the opening with sand and loose rocks. After an indeterminate period, the Furtan hunters left. As we waited for nightfall I fell into a deep sleep. 

BB!Elim and regnar Mila like ‘OUR secret hiding spot’. (Seeing how much garak both craves and thrives on getting to have that sense of ‘we’ and fellowship tho. And knowing that’s going to be not only deliberately kept from him but made psychologically impossible for him for a very long time. We should bring Tain back to life so we can kill him again and more painfully actually. Mercymorn acid jail for a thousand years time.)

- While I understood that I would have to watch my step with One Charaban, I also acknowledged that I had never been in a manlier or more attractive presence. It was like encountering an ideal that I’d only dreamed about. As I walked back to my section and accepted the congratulations of my mates, I was baffled not so much by the appearance of this new and commanding person in my life as by my recognition of his strong connection to me. But what connection?

Baby pansexual disaster at his finest

- The other day, the Doctor, Odo, and I were at the Replimat having lunch, an event that Odo, after our conversation, had taken it upon himself to organize.

. . . 

“But what about you, Doctor?” I asked, returning to the business at hand. “It seems there’s a movement afoot to have you replace Captain Sisko.” The doctor winced.

“Is this true?” Odo asked. We both looked to the doctor for confirmation. He sighed.

“There’s a group of … genetically enhanced people who feel that one of their own should be guiding the station during this emergency, and they’ve petitioned the Federation Council, but it’s Jack and his group, and no one takes them…” Exasperated, he broke off. “Garak, how did you hear about this?”

“My clientele talk and I listen.” This was also true: an idiot savant who wears his presumed genetic superiority like a badge of privilege walked into my shop and never stopped talking. Of course I encouraged him, and by the time he left I had heard all about some organized attempt to elevate Dr. Bashir to the leadership position. I could see that the doctor was upset that I’d divulged this information. Clearly this genetic business was not his favorite topic of conversation.

“Is this something we should keep an eye on?” Odo asked, studying us carefully.

“No, not at all,” the Doctor assured him. “It’s just Jack’s people. This was nearly a year ago, and I’m afraid they have too much time on their hands—like some other people I know.” He pointedly looked away from me as Odo continued to study us, trying to decode the undercurrent of this last exchange between us. No wonder he was such a capable security operative. Odo registered every change in tone and temperature and tracked the change down to its cause.

“Tell me something, Garak.” It was clear that he had found an opening for one of those deferred questions he kept on a prioritized list somewhere in his changeling head. He was still a basically shy and tactful person, especially when it came to other people’s business, but lately he’d become more openly inquisitive. I wondered if it was Major Kira’s influence.

Matchmaker/self-appointed and woefully under-equipped marriage counselor Odo……….you are Everything to me you dumb beige bitch. Garak goes a bit aggro in return when he tries to get too close to something tender but honestly odo buddy gooey friend of my heart maybe you shouldn’t barge into this particular glassware shop like a rampaging elephant huh someone’s going to get cut. Also Garak could have refrained from pressing on Julian’s bruises for attention here and we may not have had the rest of the scene, but alas. 

This must be the lunch where we deal with uncomfortable subjects.

“But if Cardassia is liberated from Dominion control …” Odo went on.

“When Cardassia is liberated,” I interrupted.

“Would you return?”

“Would you return to the Great Link?” Odo reacted with sharp annoyance to the question.It wasn’t a fair one, because although we were both exiles, we were in very different circumstances. With the humanoid shape he was still learning to live with, and his deepening relationship with Major Kira, Odo was discovering a new mode of existence, a new link. He had an alternative, however difficult the choice. I didn’t.

“Yes, I know. You can’t say.” I was sorry I had asked again. It was a question he was obviously struggling with.

The feeling Garak seems to have towards Odo in this period where like… you know when you have a friend who has a lot of the same mental health issues as you do and you see them get better and start to flourish and you are genuinely so happy for them but also feel just how deep in the muck you yourself still are with no prospect of getting out. And the way Garak consistently wistfully includes Odo’s romantic relationship to Kira when he observes how he’s coming out of his shell and why he has reasons to stay. 

“Would you return to the same Cardassia?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean ‘same’?” But I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“To a Cardassia containing the political and social elements that made the current situation possible.”

“My dear Doctor, that’s also the Cardassia that made me possible.” I half-hoped my joke would end this conversation … but I knew better.

Julian baby please read the room and take this up some other time somewhere private maybe (and yet I understand how you wouldn’t think of that until later once Garak’s had a rare public freakout)

Absolutely heartbreaking in every way that garak seems so convinced he must have done something wrong or simply doesn’t have anything more of interest to offer julian and that’s why they’re drifting apart, when a just as likely reading from what’s actually on the page here is that julian feels he keeps getting it wrong and hesitates in case he makes the damage worse. Garak have you considered who this man is before you decided you must have fucked up and resigned yourself to the dark closet of self-isolation tain put in your head. I’m in shambles. 

Also Julian is saying a lot of very true things about Cardassia in this scene that Garak needs to hear and that he’s clearly processing all through the rest of his time on DS9 and beyond, as angry as it makes him, and the good doctor means so well but he IS being incredibly condescending, and he keeps pushing even as Garak is signaling he’d rather not go in depth on this, especially in such an exposed public setting. (This is a conversation they SHOULD be having in private, both for emotional reasons and b/c Garak’s position on this station is a lot more vulnerable than I think Julian realizes, as the hostile comments he immediately starts getting during this convo show.) I mean I guess it’s not this man’s fault he is fundamentally British and autistic what can a bitch do fdjslkfhasj (I say this with all the love in my fellow autistic heart, please do not misunderstand me here). But it’s a very Julian well-meaning but flawed thing to do — he’s focusing on the principle and intellectual side of it, but he’s not taking into account that just maybe having to deconstruct the entirety of your worldview and belief system and then feel responsible for implementing them to create a better world afterwards could be an emotionally fraught process that requires not only reasoned political debate but personal, emotional support from a friend. He isn’t getting that Garak isn’t so much categorically resistant to the basic ideas he’s setting forth — it’s that he wants to be convinced on a practical level that it could even work, because otherwise it’s just a useless pretty picture. 

(Which is a big part of their dynamic on many levels, I’ve always felt. All those times he challenges Julian’s more hopeful and idealistic world view — ultimately he doesn’t do that because he wants to break Julian’s faith down until he agrees with him, he does it because somewhere deep down Garak wants to be convinced. He wants there to be hope somewhere in the world, even if he won’t buy the quick and glorified ‘it’s easy to be a saint in paradise’ Federation version of it. And Julian’s version isn’t that, in the end; it gets tested again and again and he really, genuinely means it, even when it’s hard. Which is one of the most healing things about his presence in Garak’s life overall.) 

Ironically I also think Julian believes so much in Garak and his capabilities that it simply doesn’t occur to him that Garak as a private person might just be like. Too scared and overwhelmed to even contemplate this, at least until Garak is upset enough that he can’t gracefully hide it. (“With your background and experience, Garak, I’m certain that you could serve as a liaison between a new Cardassian government and the Federation.” The Doctor paused and waited for a response. None was forthcoming. “I once suggested that you visit Earth as a member of the Cardassian government-in-exile….” oh so no biggie then Julian that sounds easy and painless and I’m surprised no one has thought to do this yet, this Obsidian Order wilted leftover sandwich of a guy is surely going to be welcomed with open arms wherever he goes among his people fhsdakjfas!)

I feel like this is one of Julian’s less sympathetic traits that he would probably feel such intense self-loathing about once he realized it’s one he shares with his father — this instinct to try to shape someone into a ‘better’ version of themselves. I think Julian’s version of this primarily comes from a much, MUCH kinder place than in his father; he has the will and ability to see the best in the world and in people, and he can’t help but want them to live up to that once he’s seen it. He fundamentally believes people can be better, can be good, when given the help and tools they need, and that’s such a beautiful part of him. BUT along with that there is also a danger of that tipping over into becoming paternalistic and controlling, of overly privileging the ideal you see over the person who is actually there right now, and trying to forcibly change the one into the other ‘for them’.  

Considering Garak’s past experiences of being shaped and controlled by someone else’s idea of what he should be, I’m if anything surprised he doesn’t react worse to this, honestly! I think it speaks to the basic trust and goodness that exists between them that he doesn’t. Julian is clumsy but not malicious, and even here Garak does recognize that on some deep level.   

(Probably because he’s also been touched by Julian at his best, in The Wire — where his support and acceptance is absolute and unconditional, free of the instinct to control anything.)

My voice had risen to an uncharacteristic pitch. It was still ringing in my ears as the Doctor stared at me as if he were studying a baffling microbe. I, too, was baffled. I had no idea where this outburst came from. I know that a distance has widened between us during the past year or so and I know that the holosuite program incident and the revelations of his genetic enhancement are the symptoms of this distance rather than the cause. It’s only natural—we’re very different people. I also know that he had only the best intentions in suggesting that I use the Federation model in order to influence the future of Cardassia. Misguided, yes, and somewhat patronizing and arrogant, but hardly sufficient to elicit this embarrassing and public loss of control.

I mumbled some sad excuse which the good Doctor and Odo were kind enough not to challenge and left the Replimat to return to my shop. As I passed Quark’s I caught his eye and we nodded. Why I included him in my outburst also puzzled me; I rather admire his industry and resourcefulness. I especially admire the way he consistently bends Federation rules so that they work for him.

That’s such a fair evaluation of Bashir’s intentions and personality honestly. Even this upset and feeling that distance between them, Garak still has complete trust in the Doctor’s basic good intentions and nature. (Are you really such very different people at the end of the day, though, Elim. Should the genetic enhancement arc maybe be telling you something here.)

Also such a hilarious element of the Garak-Quark relationship.’Sorry to get you caught up in the crossfire bro I’ve never thought of you as anything but an avaricious opportunist (complimentary)’  

What is important is that I feel that I am necessary, that I function with all my faculties in the service of a greater cause. And while I wait for this invasion, is making Odo more attractive to Major Kira a greater cause?

It is in fact nothing but the greatest cause Garak. Getting Kira happily lovingly laid is priority one at all times. 

- I had no real friends to speak of, and told myself that loneliness was the price I had to pay for success. I considered the games and behavior of my mates to be childish, and that any unnecessary interaction would only distract me from my work. The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

(I feel like this whole part is going to hit Julian in some kind of way lmao)

Literally just. Put me in a little box on the bottom of the ocean and leave me there forever I can’t go on. Also he’s SUCH a clever-but-socially-inept teenager in this part around the people in his group he doesn’t like fhdkjsa. Ugh they’re all so annoying and fake just leave me alone *eyeroll emoji* I didn’t want to be included in their idiotic conversation bb elim… I would die for your lightly insufferable but entertainingly snarky teenage butt in a way that actually makes me feel more kindly towards my own inner idiot 16 year old.

Also it’s no wonder he’s so out to sea when it comes to interacting with his peers — by all accounts he didn’t play much with other kids as a child and then he’s dropped straight into a social Lord of the Flies piranha tank shot through with Class Shit. 

Inspired by my guide Mila, I would experiment at withdrawing my presence when I had to remain in the same room with people I didn’t like.

Honing his future customer service worker smile 

Here follow some Bamarren and beyond observations I’ve elected to call ‘Sex Stuff’:  

- Oh ok so garak gets some sexual Thing out of being beaten to a pulp after mouthing off through the same mechanism that made spanking known as the ‘English Vice’ across Europe when that was the go-to punishment in British boarding schools. I see. Many things are revealed to me

I looked from the pale, frozen face of Three to the others. They all looked like statues commemorating fear. And I was pleased. I realized at that moment that they were in my control, and that I would no longer have any trouble with them. Especially Three. I felt the power like a drug surging through my system.

And then, of course, the other side of the masochism/sadism scale smoothly coming in, he contains those multitudes. In Garak’s defense idk if you could go through a psychosexual development that wasn’t deeply, deeply weird in this sort of environment 

“What do you want me to do?” I was trembling as if my body were chilled.

Well, I mean. You know fhkdsjha. And he’s rewarded with the first non-aggressive physical contact he’s had here, you say. (For reference he’s talking to Barkan, of the aforementioned ‘manliest presence’.) I’m sure this didn’t awaken anything in him or anything.

“Elim, why do you think we have these ridges?” She stroked the scalloped cords of cartilege and bone that ran along her neck and down her shoulders with a delicacy that stopped my breath. The energy had turned into molten liquid that was now flowing into my groin. The rest of the world was swallowed by complete darkness and I was back inside the tunnel.

“Because … we do,” I replied stupidly.

Fhdjskfhsdjkfhadskjfhas he’s so easy fdsjkfhas. And what a one-two punch of sexual confusion he got there. That one afternoon did irreparable damage to the libidinous development of this poor man and now he has to live like this.

For the second time tonight I was spellbound by another’s passion. In very different ways, Charaban and Palandine held me in their orbit, like powerful suns.

I was learning something new about myself—an emerging desire for power, but a power that had less to do with mastery over others than it did with connecting to them. The way I felt the connection to Charaban … and especially to Palandine.

And, I’m so sorry to have to break it to you like this, your biodad. I’m sorry Elim you’ve got something truly unfortunately Freudian going on here. It’s not your fault.  

“I love the Blind Moon,” Charaban said softly.

“Why is it called that?” I asked, deeply relieved by the mysterious change that had come over us.

“It’s the time for lovers’ assignations,” Palandine answered. “The moon will give them enough light to meet, but not so much for them to be discovered.”

“So if you and Elim were true lovers I wouldn’t have been able to find you,” Charaban teased.

“That’s right, Barkan,” she said with a direct look. I shifted position in the ensuing silence and tried to hide my disappointment with Palandine’s reply, but at the same time, the pleasure I felt in the company of these two people kept growing.

“See?” Palandine suddenly addressed me. “You can do it.”

“What?” I was startled by her delighted burst.

“Smile. Look at that, Barkan. Wouldn’t you tell someone with that smile everything he wanted to know?” she demanded.

“The first time I met him—well, the second…” he corrected himself, “he had a smile that I wanted to wipe off his face.” He was referring to that early morning in front of the Central Gate.

“But it wasn’t that smile,” Palandine insisted.

“No,” he conceded. “Definitely not that one.” And the truth was that I could feel this smile throughout my entire body.

Noooo this is about to go so wrong…it’s all fun and games and bisexual poetry recitation under the blind moon until someone gets stabbed in the back like the Caesar (well caesar notably got stabbed from many many directions but you see what I’m trying to get at here)

- [The Klingon] looked up, and I immediately knew two things about him: he was inebriated beyond reason and he was one of their shock troopers, a callused veteran of hand-to-hand combat. I took a deep breath; as dolts go he was quite impressive. My spirits were suddenly and immeasurably lifted.

“You spoonhead!” he growled at me. I hated that word.

“And you … a great warrior who brings down dabo girls with a single blow,” He looked at me trying to decide if I had insulted or complimented him.

“P’tak!” I shouted, “I mean that you’re the biggest coward in the Klingon Empire,” He released the dabo girl, and as he moved to the narrow stairway I thought that he was also the biggest Klingon in the Empire.

I looked for my advantage. This was not an equal match, and my gigantic friend was in the full flush of a berserker blood lust. I sighed. I’m too old for this, I thought. 

. . .

“Get security, Chief, and tell them to prepare the biggest cell they have … or a smaller coffin for me,” I said as I moved into the alcove and squeezed through the opening where the panel had been. 

 Listen I would apologize for including this here but he’s clearly getting off on this and I couldn’t do anything about it if I wanted to. 

I cannot convey just how much my already intense enjoyment of canon is enriched by the knowledge that Garak is up to these kinds of hijinks constantly in the background when the camera isn’t on him. In his defense he was left unsupervised. O’Brien’s fond mildly exasperated help is just the cherry on top. ‘Well I GUESS Julian would be upset if I let you get beaten to death by a drunk Klingon so fine I’ve got your back’  

(I made for the upper Promenade—and wondered if Calyx might be enjoying this spectacle from wherever he was. ;______; I like how much of an impact Calyx has on his development, considering how briefly he was actually in his life. Plus: Calyx; the Aiglamene of Bamarren? Locked Tomb/DS9 fandom overlap people, Let’s Discuss.) 

“Help me,” he croaked. I was touched by the giant’s childlike surrender. I knew the feeling well.

“I will,” I replied and immediately wondered why I had agreed. I’m getting soft, I thought. 

The greatest joy to me of a lot of this is, like… idk if these are all exactly the things that happened at every turn. In fact I’d say they very likely aren’t, Garak’s entire character taken into consideration. But they are certainly the things he wants someone — someone he trusts as far as he knows how, someone he earnestly wants to be closer to than anyone else, and also wants to see all of him — to know about him, to share in. This could just have easily been a story he told Julian in person over lunch to make him laugh. It’s silly and frivolous and fun, and as much at his own expense as a ludicrous person as to show off. To a true lying liar who lies connoisseur, unreliable narration tells more than it obscures etc. lol  

- (About Barkan) It was the appearance of warmth that made his charm so attractive. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, to challenge the duplicity of his negative evaluation, but the clarity I found in the Lower Prefect’s office was still with me. Looking at him, I was reminded how Palandine had taught me to smile when I asked questions.

Apart from Pythas, who gets his own little twink corner, most of the people Garak is attracted to throughout this are his height or taller and slender but athletic. I’m just saying that when he spotted Julian in the Replimat for the first time he really saw a young man with the face of an angel who is exactly his type fhdjskah maybe he should have seen this coming for himself. Too high on endorphins and hubris to think this would awaken anything in him irrevocably and now he’s stuck with the consequences.  

Why? I asked myself. Why?! For the life of me I could not understand why it was important to her that I respond. Why should she—so beautiful, so alive—be disappointed if I didn’t return her … what? What did she want from me? Friendship? Why me?

I was in turmoil. Her grace and manner, the way she tilted her head and half smiled when she listened, as if everything amused her … it was like a forbidden dream of the unattainable. The attraction was painful because I instinctively knew that while my life would be simpler and more controllable without her, it would also be as drab as my Bamarren uniform.

. . . 

“Are you making fun of me?” It was at that moment, when I asked the question, that I realized just how afraid I was of being the object of her ridicule. She stopped laughing and for the first time she was speechless. 

Losing my entire fucking MIND about how Garak is basically taking Palandine’s place when he approaches Julian at first. Odo and Garak ‘I love you so much I want to become you because it’s the only way I can imagine really being close to you’ handshake meme

Sex stuff end. For now.

I was about to leave when Odo asked about the designs for his “new” sartorial look. I could see that he was masking his concern, so I assured him that the sketches were some of my finest creations, and would be ready within the week. He grunted his thanks and I stepped out onto the Promenade. Love does make fools of us all.

I’m clawing at my face with emotion. Odo… And Garak did finish those sketches even after his moment of existential ennui over them before. 

- Please for the love of god stop putting Six out in the merciless sun T_____T how many times must a poor lil nerd boy pass out before he can rest in the sand etc. 

- “It’s not every evening we find Barkan Lokar strolling with a murk through the Grounds.”

“Lokar? My father buried the Legate, Turat Lokar,” I said without thinking.

“Did your father kill him?” Palandine joked. But I didn’t laugh. The Lokars were a legendary family, and the old man’s funeral was the largest I had ever seen.

Why is this so funny. Garak you are so fucking weird. ‘Oh yeah I know that guy my dad did the flower arrangements for his funeral’ 

- A spirited dabo game involving several Klingons and a serious-looking dabo girl I hadn’t seen before caught my attention. If Quark had been present he’d be giving her one of his congeniality lectures. I truly sympathize with the young woman; if I had to spend all day with these drunken dolts….

Literally so hilarious that’s his first thought. First impulse: ‘surrounded by idiots’ solidarity. Garak what were you doing day drinking at the devil’s sacrament/quarks at midday girl…

- Rom soon appeared with a small container of kanar. He was wearing an outfit I had made for him.

“H-here you are, Garak. I hope you enjoy it.” Ever the gracious host.

“Thank you, Rom. And please, try not to let your collar lie there like a dead targ.” I adjusted the offending fabric, and Rom sweetly tolerated my fussing.

I’m fucking crying what the HELL. Surprise wholesome dynamic that keeps going through the whole narrative. Garak just uncomplicatedly likes and appreciates Rom, with no particular ulterior motive. Plus: fussing is also how we see Mila express affection, like mother like son.   

- I realized as I took a sip of my drink that I was in a dangerous mood. Drinking in the middle of the day. The Doctor would be quite disappointed with me. When I’m unable to immerse myself in work my mind becomes occupied by an invading army of thoughts intent upon conquering all equilibrium and peace. Kanar is a valuable if unreliable weapon I employ against this army. The pills the Doctor gives me are a poor substitute.

Julian, severely unimpressed: uh-huh

‘Would Julian want me to do this to myself? No. However he’s too busy playing soldiers with O’Brien to tell me so, apparently, so that can’t stop me.’ You petty lil bitch garak (affectionate)

The fact that he’s doing the The Little Julian Who Lives In My Head thing already here, where the real Julian is actually around but not engaged with him. I’m so sad. He’s managed to discover shrimp colour spectrums of loneliness and pining.  

- Ever since the Romulan business and Captain Sisko’s near breakdown (outside of the Doctor, whom I told shortly after the incident, no one knows about this, but one recognizes the symptoms), I’ve been obsessed with memories of Bamarren. 

The fact that he tells Julian about that. Presumably partly in a practical way to make sure Sisko doesn’t fall to pieces completely but he doesn’t seem to have any shame about it or expect Bashir to react too badly over it either. The trust…

- I must admit that I was quite taken aback. Evidently there is honor among dolts.

I’m genuinely impressed by how enjoyable it is in this book to be party to Garak’s inner voice. It’s so fun in here, among all the horrors. 

- Nine approached me as I sat alone in our quarters reading the first part of Cylon Pareg’s Eternal Stranger, a saga spanning several generations of a Cardassian family during the early and middle Union.

*whisper of agonized affection* between this and his happy place being studying wormhole theory… he’s such a little nerd. 

Nine swallowed again, an even more bitter taste, and marched off to a life of diminishing returns.

LMAO burn. And, as we shall see, not necessarily inaccurate.  

- As I walked away I heard the custodian ask Tarnal what it was I had done to deserve this punishment.

“Nobody told me. But I know he’s got a mouth on him,” Tarnal replied.

The more things change I guess fdhsakja. Known across the school for being a) a sneaky lil bastard and b) never ever shutting the fuck up when he really really should 

- “And you have to use that wonderful smile of yours more often, Elim.”

“What’s that got to do with listening?” That was the subject, and Palandine had typically made a jump in logic I couldn’t follow. She also forgot that I was a Cardassian male and smiling was not one of our strong features.

“If they feel comfortable with you, people will tell you stories about themselves that will reveal their deepest secrets.”

“But what if the stories aren’t true?” I challenged. “I could smile till my cheeks hurt, and you could tell me any kind of story you wanted—and what would I know about you except what you invented?”

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not? Because it’s not what you believe? Or it doesn’t fit a definition of the truth that someone taught you? Look at people, Elim.” Palandine gestured as if the enclosure were filled with people. “Observe them. The way they walk and talk, the way they hold themselves and eat their meals. That’s what they believe about themselves. Is it the ‘truth’? Are they really that way? I don’t know. Perhaps it is a lie. But what people lie about the most are themselves, and these lies become the stories they believe and want to tell you.”

“As long as I’m smiling,” I mumbled.

. . . 

“Truth, as we’ve learned to define it, is not only overrated,” she went on with a controlled passion, “it’s designed to keep people in the dark.”

This last statement stopped me.

“You mean the way we’ve been taught?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“What about our government?”

“They tell us the stories that we need to know in order to be good citizens,” she replied carefully.

“They don’t tell us the truth, is what you’re saying,” I concluded.

“There you go again. They tell us their truth, Elim, and we are here to learn how to listen.”

. . . 

“Let the ones without power scowl and make fierce faces.You smile. It’s an invitation to connect with another person. And once the invitation is accepted, relax and listen … you’ll come to know as much as you’ll ever need to about that person,” she said with a smile that I greedily accepted.

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted. 

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not?” 

SO when I was saying he’s taking Palandine’s place in this dynamic with Julian early on I was not kidding and I was not wrong hahaha. And it’s also what this entire book is, in the end. Trusting Julian to ‘truly listen’ to the story under the stories is maybe the biggest show of trust and vulnerability Garak could ever extend to anyone. Extremely The Wire-core once more.

The idea that tiny Garak was too outwardly glum and serious is. Amazing and brainbreaking. People feeling uncomfortable under his gaze b/c he’ll just like scowl distrustfully at them. Palandine I don’t know if you fixed him or made him worse but you certainly did something fundamental to him and committed him to the bit and for that I cannot thank you enough

- I no longer had Palandine to myself—but surprisingly, I didn’t mind, in fact I was pleased that Charaban was here. His stillness, like everything else about him, had grace and strength. I sneaked another look in his direction and marveled that this was the same person I had first encountered in the storeroom. He returned my look, and in the next few moments a bond grew between us that I had never thought possible. 

You know if Barkan was really smart or had the capacity for extended self-control he would have just kept stringing Garak along as the third in his disastrous marriage. Garak is used to subsisting on the merest scraps of affection and consideration, you’d barely even have to feed him. (Ala Daisuke Jigen with many an evil ex, for the Lupinheads out there lol) A threesome here and there and maybe gently stroking his hair afterwards and you’d have him for life, probably. Alas or perhaps thankfully Barkan is ultimately just an asshole and not that smart. 

- A Bolian client came down the steps outside the door and was about to enter the shop, but for some reason he stopped at the threshold. He looked at us, turned, and went back the way he came.

LMAO that guy was like ‘something really fraught and homosexual is going on here and that is frankly none of my business, as you were gentlemen don’t mind me.’ A real ally and a bro.  

“I’m keeping you from your business.” Bashir stood up. “I won’t take up any more of your time.”

“I’m pleased you stopped by.” I was about to escort him to the door.

“No, you’re not,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“Garak, I come from a culture that has perfected the ‘stiff upper lip,’” he explained with the same faint smile.

“What does that mean?” It was a genuine question; there was a change in his attitude.

“It means that we never complain, never admit to our feelings, never ask for help. It’s just not done,” Bashir explained. “And those people who lack character’ and insist on airing their needs—especially in public—are subject to ridicule… and worse. Does this sound familiar?”

“Perhaps,” I replied softly.

“But I’m also a doctor, Garak. And I know which group of people suffers the most. I really won’t take up any more of your time.” He extended his hand, which he rarely did, and I took it. “Thank you for the tea.” He turned and went out the door.

I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. Yes, Doctor, it does sound familiar. But as to the question of which group suffers the most…

. . . 

After Charaban’s betrayal I became as withdrawn and solitary as I had been when I first came to the Institute. I tried to spend time with Palandine, but it never quite worked out; between her regular duties and the recruitment and planning for the female Competition, she had little time for anything else. But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

1) Going NUTS over the fact that these are separated by ONE paragraph. Andy Robinson staring directly into the camera making parallels between the main love interests in this book like ‘Am I making myself clear here. Do you get it yet’. Also really interesting to make this relationship pattern a, well, pattern in Garak’s life, and not a unique element of his and Bashir’s thing (which Doylistically was basically a byproduct of cowardly 90s standards for tv writing more than anything else lol)

2) But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

 The Palandine/Bashir parallel train barrels on, scoring a deep trail of heartache into my soul. Also in that case it’s so sad because he really hasn’t done anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of, Barkan and Palandine are the ones who fucked him over :’( 

3) I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. + Tolan’s grief at seeing Garak after Bamorren: “He’s hard, Mila,” Father said. . . . “But to the point where he’s unreachable?” Father asked. “Where nothing penetrates? How can he express even his basic needs if he’s trapped inside a shell?” + Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?...........................................................................

4) More proof to my eyes that Julian’s side of this whole thing seems to be more about thinking Garak doesn’t actually want him to be there. He doesn’t think he’s welcome here or that he’ll be able to help more than he hurts with whatever’s going on for him. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’ AUGH 

Garak buddy… every time he tries to get closer to you or extend some care, you bristle like a hedgehog even though you’re trying to do it in as polite and decent a way as possible — what is the poor guy supposed to think beyond a certain point lmao. (Though on the hopeful/beautiful side… what is this entire book but Garak actually taking the advice/suggestion Bashir gives in this scene to reexperience his past and put it in context — not in the holosuites, but in his own way by writing it all out in a way that makes sense to his Cardassian brain and then sharing that with Julian directly. Like. The last line of the book is ‘You’re always welcome, Doctor’. Elim ‘I will become emotionally healthy enough to ask Julian to come visit with an open heart if it fucking kills me’ Garak)  

I’m so soft for how careful they both are with each other in this scene, though. Even in this difficult place where there’s stuff they don’t understand about each other and they are having difficulty connecting for… several reasons, they are trying so so hard to be good to each other. Which is why I think they have every chance of working out brilliantly long-term; once you’ve got a mutual respect, willingness to keep working to understand and communicate with each other even when it’s difficult, and that fundamental ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ good faith in a relationship you’re a good chunk of the way there, from what I have observed. 

Julian cares that Garak was upset, much more than he cares about being right, and this time he shows it in a more private setting where Garak can take it in. They’re trying!  

5) The implication in But as to the question of which group suffers the most… that Garak also realizes how much he’s hurting Julian by not being able to let him in…

Most of all the fact that Bashir in this scene is like ‘Listen Garak I get emotional repression. I’m literally British.’ is one of the funniest things that happen in the whole book. To me. (I’m Norwegian, culturally this has. Some overlap with my experience, let’s say lol) 

- Six had long since gone home. He wanted to succeed so badly, but his body couldn’t withstand the constant assault of the training. I’m sure he found an academic situation. 

Oh thank GOD. Genuinely so relieved to hear this. This is how many times a nerd boy must pass out before he rests in the sand and gets to go to normal university instead of murderschool, the question is finally answered.  

- Tain has shown up again and I want to throw rocks at him until he goes away. And I know he won’t. 

- My shed has become somewhat more bearable, but the clutter and confinement of the interior space requires that I leave the door open. To keep myself busy when I’m not working with the med unit, Doctor, I am engaged in a project I must tell you about. It baffles me. Perhaps you can tell me if I’m losing my mind altogether.

. . . 

[Parmak] turned to me with the strangest expression on his face—and looked me directly in the eyes for the first time.

AUGH. (Plus, the fact that Parmak consistently calls him ‘Elim’.)

But what baffles me, Doctor, is that I attach no meaning to what I’m doing here. I’m just doing it because I need to. And to be truthful, I don’t see this as a memorial at all. On the contrary—if I could, I’d singlehandedly rebuild this city myself, piece by piece. I stood here watching Parmak’s blood dry on this pile of rubble, engulfed by a feeling of loss and utter mystification as to what these piles mean.

Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor.

This whole section is the biggest mood and I’ve rarely felt closer to a fictional character haha. His quietly dissociated tired bemusement both with himself and what he’s doing and Parmak’s reaction is… yeah that’s exactly what that feels like. And ‘Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor’ has done irreparable damage to my psyche, I’m going to be thinking about this forever

- Palandine gestured that she would deal with me and sent the mate on her way.

“So what did you use me for?” I asked.

“What do we ever use each other for?” she replied without hesitation.

“Answering a question with a question is an old trick, Palandine.”

“No trick. I needed a friend.”

“And you don’t need a friend now” I hated the tone that was creeping into my voice.

“It’s complicated, Elim.”

I was afraid to ask why.

“What did you use me for?” she asked.

The question truly baffled me. I only wanted her love. Was that using her? I would gladly have given mine in return.

Still gnawing on concrete over Garak partially reenacting Palandine’s way of approaching him with Bashir in the beginning. At that point he also needed a friend (and he needed someone to run to Sisko like ‘THE SPY TALKED TO ME :D’ to deliver intel through so he was also using him lol.) The way Garak picks up traits from the people he loves like he’s doing the soul version of Odo’s shapeshifting-as-closeness thing because it’s the only way he knows. 

- “So it’s Eight,” he said, dismissing me from his world.

“I don’t think you understand, Barkan….” Palandine began to say.

“It’s not necessary that he understand,” I dismissed him from my world.

Barkan… you did not understand what you were doing, getting into an emotionally and sexually charged petty-off with this man. RIP your stupid ass I guess lmao

“I wanted to tell you. But when I realized … I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said with a gentleness that rankled me.

“I’m not hurt. Neither one of you can hurt me. I wish you a successful… partnership.”

Palandine is so interesting!!!! And like here’s one of the things that I think make a big difference in Garak’s relationship with Palandine vs. his relationship with Julian — who tells him exactly the same thing in ‘The Wire’, after all! (I don’t want to hurt you) Because Palandine doesn’t really mean it, does she? She doesn’t mean ‘I don’t want you to be hurting, I want to protect you from being harmed’, she means ‘I didn’t want to be the thing that hurt you; I didn’t want to be faced with your hurt’, while she is doing things that will inevitably hurt him. I think there is genuine affection and care on her side, but they’re in such a fucked up, brutal world and they’re so young. 

‘I’m not hurt. Who’s hurt’ says teen crying quiet tears of blood as his world falls to pieces 

“I love him, Elim. And I’m also ambitious. I want what he wants. You’ll understand this when you find someone to share your….”

Not me wondering how much of this has echoes to Mila’s relationship to Tain and how that’s part of what Garak reacts to — that survival mechanism of ‘I want what he wants’, subsuming and submitting yourself completely. Which of course is what a Cardassian is supposed to do to the state, and that Garak also does with Tain for the vast majority of both of their lives. The worst part is that Palandine really had some reason to hope for more — she and Barkan start out in a more equal position than it’s implied Mila and Tain ever did, that’s always framed as an inter-class thing, and while Palandine’s family situation is not as grand as Barkan’s it doesn’t seem like it crosses the service class/ruling class barrier. But the structure of the state imposed on every level of society right down to the most intimate and personal areas of life is going to crush the life out of that hope real fast. I’m sorry girl. Wanting to have a fighting chance in this world isn’t the worst sin anyone’s committed and tbf you are like a teen by all accounts

- “My name is Elim Garak. I don’t know where I’m being sent, but I hope you’ll remember me as your friend.”

“When I was told today that I was One Lubak, I was honored… and afraid that I’d lose you as a friend. Thank you. My name is Pythas Lok.”

Neither one of us ever took our eyes off Mila, who was still trying to blend into his surroundings.

Crying gently into my cereal

Garak ‘I wasn’t sure I could ever call him a friend’ vs. Pythas ‘Afraid that I’d lose you as a friend’

Something powerful was stirring deep inside me, and I began to shake. Mila snapped his head to the side, the way he does when he senses light or heat change. Convulsive waves pushed up from my center and tears filled my eyes, blinding me. I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. By the time the convulsions subsided and my eyes cleared, Mila had disappeared into the rock-and-sand home he came from. 

Absolutely sobbing my eyes out into my cereal 

Spoiler warning: Garak having to go somewhere to be alone after something calamitous happens in his life because that’s the only way he can cry is a theme that will reemerge later and do unspeakable emotional damage to me personally haha

As I hiked back to the Institute, I had the thought that maybe somebody was doing the same thing for me and bringing me back home.

No baby you see someone is doing the exact opposite of this to you right now because you have a basic goodness and capacity for real honest love that Tain doesn’t and he’ll never in a million years set you free just because he loves you and it’s the right thing for you 

- And Jadzia is gone. The station is a sadder and grayer place without her. I’m surprised at how keenly I feel her absence. Even though I know that her symbiont has been “joined” with another person … well, it’s not the same, is it? Indeed, knowing that Jadzia’s personality is somehow contained along with several others within this other person, I wonder how I would react if we were ever to meet.

:(

The doctor has reminded me that these are personal choices, and it’s not for us to judge how one chooses to mourn. Quite so. Who can even begin to understand another’s grief? “Do you judge people by the clothes they ask you to make?” the doctor asked once. I bit back my response, but the point was well taken.

:’) little soul-healing brush of Julian kindness time 

- “What does Tir Remara want with you?” Colonel Kira demanded, ignoring my offer of tea. Immediately an entire picture formed in my head of the scenario her abrupt question suggested: Tir Remara—a spy, perhaps even a changeling, preying upon a lonely Cardassian who was working for the Federation and engaged in top-secret work.

“She wants to have my children,” I replied with a serious look.

“You can’t be serious,” she managed.

“I’m not. Now do you want this tea or not?”

Kira should just have strangled you all those times she wanted to you snarky asshole fhdskja

[ratprince]

ROCK EMOJI RATING

I sent a rock emoji in Discord today and let me tell you i was stunned by what i saw. I needed to know if all rock emojis were that bad, or if it was a special stand-out. I won't spoil the answers, but here's my rating of ever rock emoji, as listed here: https://emojipedia.org/rock#designs

Since I started here, we'll start here together: This is the rock used on Twitter/X and also Discord:

it looks like a de-saturated blob of chewed gum. That's not a solid object, that's goop. 3/10

WhatsApp (2020-2023)

I see what they're going for here- it certainly looks like a rock, and I appriciate the attempt at giving it a kind of crag-y nature to it, but to me it ends up looking a bit disjointed. The texturing is nice, I like the wavy lines on the side- i'm not sure if real rocks would have a pattern like that but I see what they're going for. 8/10

Next up, Microsoft,... OH microsoft baby what are you doing DOING

the first one was fine!!! It was so fine!!!! The shading is ok, and the thick black outline was really helping to define it as an object. Without the outline its hardly there. It's not even a unique shape its just a slightly wonky triangle, and the shading makes NO sense on the newer ones. I don't like it. the past is in the past, they're being rated for their current sins: 2/10

Microsoft 3D fluent (2023)

this looks like the texture for an iron nugget in Minecraft, which sure, iron is a type of rock, i guess. it also looks like the free to earn currency in a sci-fi NFT game. Still identifiable as a type of rock, i guess. 5/10

Samsung (2020-2023)

This one is nice- its a rock. I like the gloss, it seems polished, which is maybe a bit funny because its simultaneously polished but also a bit mossy at the bottom, but these are all aspects that rocks have, and thus that makes it a good stand in for the concept of a rock. 8/10

Google Noto Color Emoji (2020-2023)

Well, its a rock. I appreciate how it leans more into a warm grey as opposed to all the cool tone (or..straight up white????) rocks we've seen so far. My main issue is with the bit of shading in the center of it- I'm typing this on a computer and haven't seen this emoji in its native environment of being small on a phone screen, so I tried zooming out the webpage as far as it'd go (30%) and the shading certainly looks better small, but it still strikes me as a bit off- i wonder if it really needs to be there. Not a bad rock by any means though, 7/10

Noto Emoji Font (2023)

So, this is actually a black and white version of the previous emoji, and that makes me appreciate both more. I wish they followed the shape of the lines more with the color emoji, because here the shape is really spot on. It's both a rock and a mountain. 8/10

Apple (2020-2023)

This isn't just a rock, this is a CHUNK of EARTH. it's got DETAIL, its got STRIPES. it's a nice fucking rock. 10/10

Emojipedia Sample Images (2020)

"Sample emoji designs developed by Emojipedia for illustrative purposes." (Emojipedia)- hey quick question....sample of WHAT? Illustrative of WHAT? This looks like a chunk of ore from an old school RPG. This is ripped from Runescape (not actually). It's the only rock that's straight up green. It looks WORSE when its smaller. 7/10

Icons8 (2023)

Ok. I can't hate every single one of these kind of simplistic rock emojis that are just angular blobs of color...but with something as simple as a rock its just so hard to get it minimal in a satisfying way- but it's NOT impossible. This one isn't so bad, its just kinda...meh, I guess. 5/10

OpenMoji (2020-2023)

colorized Pictochat drawing. You could fight on this in Super Smash Bros. The last of the black outlined rocks (well, kinda)- though for some reason the lines don't fully connect. It almost looks like a face to me for some reason. 6/10

Sony Playstation (2021)

this is a minimal rock done well. The shading makes sense, its got a solid rock shape. 6/10

TossFace (2022-2023)

what the fuck is this. It looks like the doodles all over my school work after i learned what a vanishing point is. It's simultaneously popping out at you and receeding back into the screen. Lighting? Who is she. awful. 0/10

JoyPixels (2020-2023)

this one is battle scarred. This is a rock that's been through some shit. 3/10

Twitter Emoji Stickers (2022)

WHAT A LEGEND. This looks like an asset from a mobile game. Love the sheen and the perspective. It's even a warm grey! Such a fantastic Rock. 11/10

Microsoft Teams (3D Animated) (2023)

well I'll be damned, a competent Rock from Microsoft. I don't know why they lean so heavily into cold light greys, but hey at least this one isn't straight up white I guess. 5/10

Huawei (2023)

This looks like an unmoulded lump of clay- its even got divots that are roughly fingerprint shaped. Not bad though. 4/10

Facebook (2020-2023)

This looks like someone's 4th ever attempt at shading something realistically. Its an unblended circle, except it seems like they tried to blend a ,little bit in places and it looks...incredibly sloppy up close. what the fuck. 1/10

Well, that's my review of ever Rock emoji listed on Emojipedia, hope you...enjoyed? To finish things off heres my own drawing of a rock done in MS Paint