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purple-phantoms · 4 years

Note

Hi lovely!

Can you please do a Nick imagine where the reader is a really shy piano player with anxiety? Like maybe she has to perform in front of the class and after she’s done she runs out crying?

Thanks bb!

The Pianist

Nick x Female!Reader

Thank you so much for requesting this! I totally love this idea and I think it’s so cute. I’ve experienced that kind of anxiety before when singing in front of people I’ve just met and it just sucks. I tried including a bit of that in this, so I hope it worked out well! Again, I’m writing this on the mobile version of tumblr so this will not be properly edited for a little bit. Enjoy!

Masterlist

Being in the music program was hard. You’d think that all you have to do is to just create music. That part is just fine for her. But then you have to perform it in front of your class or sometimes in front of an audience. Performing in front of one or two people that I know isn’t bad, but when when it’s a big group of people, it just gets bad.

She was an outcast in school and didn’t mind. She had a few friends here and there, but nothing to big. Never anything to draw attention to herself. She never had the courage to talk to people like Julie Molina or Carrie Wilson. They were always the ones to volunteer to go first on days where they had to present their work to the class. Julie was always nice to her. She sometimes tried to bring y/n out of her shell. She’d invite her to eat lunch with her and her best friend, Flynn, sometimes but she always declined the offer. Carrie was like Chris Hargensen (from the movie Carrie)... except she wasn’t that aggressive. Carrie loved making fun of her in class by saying things like, “are you going to talk today, y/n?” she just wished you were more sociable like Julie. In theory, it would be so amazing to be a part of Dirty Candy. Even if you hated Carrie, there was no denying that their music slaps. But she would never be able to perform with all those people staring at her, so instead she just opted for teaching herself their choreography in the safe space of her bedroom. That way she wouldn’t have to experience the stares of her peers.

Today was Wednesday, a.k.a., the day her parents were always a little bit late for picking her up. she preferred staying away from the crowds of students who were also waiting on their parents. Dirty Candy always practiced right after school on Wednesday’s in the dance studio. Their practices were closed to everyone but Nick, the guy Carrie said was off-limits to anyone but her. They weren’t dating, but everyone expected them to be like if Sharpay and Troy dated. Nick was the cool guy who everybody liked. He was the star of the lacrosse team and an amazing guitarist. Carrie, on the other hand, was the girl most people feared. You’d never see her wearing an outfit in a dark color or without her backup dancers. Anyway, back to business. The door to the dance studio was always locked, but there was a tiny glass frame in it where you could easily use your phone to record their routine. They were dancing to their new song, Wow. It was her favorite so far. Well, she says that about all their songs.

They finished and paused for a couple seconds to catch their breath. She ended the video and started walking away, only to bump into another person, making her drop her phone. She leaned down right away to avoid any sort of eye contact or conversation with that person, but they just had to speak, “sorry, y/n.” It was Nick.

She looked up at him in shock. “You-you know my name?” Barely anybody acknowledged her existence in the school.

“Of course I know you,” he chuckled. “You’re the girl in class with the killer vocal chords.” His smile was contagious. Wow, she now understood what Carrie saw in him.

“Um, thanks, Nick,” she muttered. Then her phone went off, her mom was finally in the parking lot. “I gotta go-“

“Hey, what song are you doing tomorrow?” Nick asked. Did he not hear her say that she had to go?

“Uh probably just something by Adele,” you smiled. “Sorry, my mom’s here to pick me up.” This was probably the fastest she’s ever speed-walked away from someone before. Talking to people is weird. If it had been any other guy, she wouldn’t have had to get into a conversation. Nick is great and sweet and cute and all of this is besides the point. Nick is a nice guy but she just wanted to pick up her phone and leave.

When watching someone play the piano and sing at the same time, it looks so effortless. Nobody takes into account what they’re really doing. Nobody considers how long they must have trained to learn all the right chords and memorize the ones that go with their song. Nobody considers how long it must have taken them to perfect their song, whether it be alone or with the help of anothe person. Nobody considers what goes on inside the person’s head. Nobody considers what they think of themselves as they play. Nobody notices that maybe that person wants to be invisible.

The next day was the day of class performances. Per usual, the teacher allowed volunteers to go first. Julie sang first, then Carrie, then Flynn and so on and so forth. It got to the point where everybody who wanted to perform had already performed, so her teacher started getting frustrated. “Guys, it’s just two minutes of spotlight.” Silence. “Y/n, how about yo give it a go?”

Her head shot up so quickly at that and just froze. The teacher knew about her situation and has let her perform just for her during lunch. It just made things easier. “Ms. Jacobs, can I just perform during lunch,” she asked timidly. Everybody was staring at her, expecting her to go so that the teacher wouldn’t call on someone else.

But Ms. Jacobs shook her head. “Sorry, y/n. You’ve got to get over that stagefright somehow.” But did it have to be now!? There was no way she could argue with her without causing a scene. Come on, y/n, don’t cry.

Within what felt like a lifetime, she stood up from the chair and lifted her feet, one by one, to walk over to the shiny black piano. It was brand-new, just bought buy the school that summer. It was sleek and clean, practically begging to be used to make music. The walk to the piano’s bench felt exhausting and slow. It was silent, you could easily hear a needle hit the ground as her classmates waited on her to play. But oh god, what note does she even start with? What’s the first line of the song?

“Ms. L/n,” her teacher called. “Any day now.” Y/n looked up-nope, big mistake. Why is everyone watching her so intently? Ba. Did she just press a note? She looked at Ms. Jacobs, who gave an encouraging smile in return. Okay, y/n. Just pretend nobody’s watching you. Pretend you’re just singing in your room.

Her fingers started playing as if it was the only thing they knew to do. They couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop thinking.. Just get it done, y/n.

When will I see you again?

You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said.

No final kiss to seal anything.

I had no idea of the state we were in.

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness

And a wandering eye and heaviness in my head,

But don’t you remember?

Don’t you remember the reason you left me before?

Baby, please remember me once more.

Y/n closed her eyes and sighed as she finished. That wasn’t that bad.. Then the applause came and her perfect setting of playing the piano at home where nobody could hear her was gone and was filled with people. People who knew her were staring at her and applauding her. Performing in front of a random audience is one thing, because you have no idea who’s in the audience. You’ll never know (until afterwards at least) if your best friend happened to be in the crowd, or if one of the Kardashians were there. Plus, you’ll never have to worry about someone saying things about you when you’re right next to them because they don’t know you and you don’t know them. When you’re performing in front of your class, there are no rules. Anybody can think anything they want about your performance and nitpick it in their heads or out loud and that’s just how they’ll look at you. She was brought out of her thoughts by Ms. Jacobs talking to the class again, “see folks, this is what I’m talking about!” She looked like she had just met the queen of England. There’s no way she’s smiling like that after her performance. Was she really that good? This is too much.

Y/n managed to slip away from the classroom unnoticed as Ms. Jacobs kept talking. She couldn’t breathe. Oh god, why couldn’t Ms. Jacobs just let me perform at lunch? That was so bad. Does google offer tips to give yourself amnesia? Because she just wanted to forget about all of that mess- “Y/n?” Oh no, it’s Nick again. “What are you doing out here,” he asked.

“I just needed to catch my breath,” she muttered. Why is a cute guy paying attention to me like this?

“Wait, why are you crying, you were amazing,” he said. What? She wasn’t even crying. Oh, there we go... Why am I crying!?!

“I don’t know,” I sobbed. “I hate it when people are watching me.” She didn’t understand why the majority of her classmates could perform efortlessly and not even consider that they did badly later on. Why couldn’t she feel that way?

Nick put a soft hand on her shoulder. “But if nobody watched you, nobody would know how great you are,” he proclaimed. Woah, headrush. He thinks I’m great now? She nodded and smiled. Maybe he was right. “What if we work together next time,” He offered.

“But we don’t even know if the next project will be a group one,” she chuckled. People never wanted to work with her. They always thought that she’d never do the work because she couldn’t even bother to speak, or she’d just take over the entire project.

“Let me at least get your number,” he replied. He seemed genuine, there was going to be no foulplay in this, so she agreed to that and to him walking her home from school. And on the next project, they got to work together and y/n got through it wih his help. They did it together.

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sprnklersplashes · 4 years

Text

heart of stone (3/?)

AO3

It’s an hour before Damian leaves. An hour of him hugging her and stroking her hair and her telling him everything she can. They try to spend some time normally, watching vine compilations on Janis’ phone, only it doesn’t feel right. Their laughter is forced and accompanied by a pit in Janis’ stomach, the hard reality staring them in the face. After one video she puts her phone away and Damian holds her tighter, resting his cheek on her head and lacing their fingers together. She lets herself sag against him, revelling in the comfort he gives her even if it can’t make this better. She bites the inside of her cheek as she wonders when the next time they hug like this will be or where they’ll be when it happens.

It’s going to be a long few months.

“You sure you’re okay?” she asks him as they stand at her front door. “With all this?” When his smile doesn’t reach his eyes, that’s when she truly feels the weight of it and it drags her down hard. She’s only seen that expression on his face a grand total of three times, two of which related to unpleasant memories of his father. And now once more, because of her. She bites back an apology.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” he replies half-heartedly before shaking his head. “Who am I kidding? Of course you’re going to be okay. You’re Janis.”

“I am?” she replies, smirking just a little.

“Yeah.” The crack in his voice doesn’t escape her notice. He play-punches her arm. “This cancer’s going to have a tough time trying to beat you.”

“If God wants me gone he’s going to have to come down here himself,” she jokes. Only it doesn’t land with him. His eyes widen, his hand around her wrist in a grip that’s sudden and panicked. It’s an old joke spoken in a new world and she realises that too late. “Sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t-” She grabs his tense shoulder, unsure of what else to do, and tries to be as reassuring as possible. “It’s okay. I’ll be okay, they’ve said I will.”

“I know.” He hugs her once again, crushing her in her grip and stroking her hair, his heartbeat fast against her chest. She wraps her arms around him, cursing at herself.

“Maybe the dark humour will take a backseat for now,” she whispers. He laughs at that at least, even if it’s short lived. He steps away from her just as his mom pulls up outside of her house, beeping her little car horn.

“My mom,” he says, looking from the car to her. “When do I tell her?”

“Whenever you want,” she replies, shrugging. “Not like we’re keeping it a secret.”

“Okay.” He pats her cheek clumsily as she opens the door. Before leaving, he takes one long look back at her, sadness clouding his eyes. She doesn’t let him know that she hates it. “You owe me a calzone when this is all over, Sarkisian.”

“It’s a date,” she jokes, her breath catching in her throat. Through the window in the door, she watches him run across the road, holding up shirt up over his head as the sky starts spitting, and climb into the passenger seat of his mom’s car. Her vision blurs as the car pulls away, her cheeks hot and her jaw clenched.

She doesn’t bother to hide it when she walks into the kitchen. She’s too tired and even if she wasn’t, what’s the point in it?

“Oh, sweetie,” her mom sighs, rushing up to her and pushing her hair out of her eyes. She rubs a hand up and down her arm, her lips rolled into a thin line. “How did he take it?”

“Fine,” she says. “I mean, not fine. But he’s… It’s a lot for him. But he didn’t storm out of the house or accuse me of lying or something messed up like that so I guess…” She trails off, the sentence running away from her. Is there a good way to take news like this? If there is, it would have been nice for her to know yesterday.

“Why don’t I make you something?” her mom asks again. “You want some coffee? Tea? Or one of those little mug-cakes you like so much?”

“I can make it myself,” she tells her, already tempted. She breaks out of her mom’s grasp and starts pulling stuff out the cupboards, the recipe crystal clear in her mind. She turns around, equal parts amused and annoyed at her mom hovering behind her. “I’m not going to burn myself on the microwave, Mom.”

“I know. Just, well, maybe you should be sitting down?”

“I can do it myself,” she repeats, despite her tired legs. She looks over at her again, annoyance beginning to win out. She spoons flour into her mug, white smoke puffing up before her eyes. “I’ll be fine, Mom. Besides I’m the only one who knows how to make them.”

They were Cady’s idea. Over the winter break last year, before it all truly went wrong, she had called Janis about this new recipe she stumbled upon on Pinterest, babbling excitedly about ‘little tiny cakes in mugs, how cute is that, Janis?’. She invited Janis over, insisting on testing out as many different recipes as her microwave would allow. There was something about the sight of Cady with a white handprint on her skirt and flour dusted across her nose like snowflakes that did certain things to Janis’ heart. She can’t be sure, but that might just have been the day she began seeing Cady in a new light and daring to imagine them as something other than friends.

The memory now only makes her heart clench. There are few things Janis loves in the world more than Cady Heron’s smile and nothing hurts her heart like when she’s sad. When her lips touched hers for the first time, she swore she’d never do anything to hurt her. She’s going to be breaking that promise tomorrow, even if it’s through no fault of her own.

She goes up to her room with a mumbled goodnight to her parents and an unexpected, quick hug from her dad. Maybe she should start expecting them, she thinks sadly as she trudges upstairs, one hand around her mug and the other gripping the bannister.

She curls up on her bed, too tired to sit up but too jittery to try to sleep. Besides, the sky is still orange out there and she refuses to go to sleep before the sun does. Despite herself, she feels strangely proud. Cancer or no, her sleep schedule is hers, at least to some extent.

She pulls her laptop over, squinting in its blue light, and opens Tumblr for a while, scrolling through likes and reblogs without any of it registering. She bounces through social media with twitching fingers, closing tabs not five minutes after opening them. Facebook is the worst; little green dots lined up at the side of her screen, each one able to contact her with the press of a key. The last thing she wants right now is a conversation. So she opens Twitter instead and lets the friends be mixed in with the strangers. She’s hidden as long as she doesn’t say anything and she has genuinely no intention to. No likes, no retweets, nothing but a stream of content she can half-focus on in a bid to forget herself.

It works, at least for a while, three jokes or art pieces for every “real person” who crosses her timeline. But her eyes are constantly drawn up to the searchbar against her will and when a post of Cady’s crosses her path, her eyes linger for longer than they should.

“Fuck it,” she mutters, typing her handle into the searchbar and tapping her nail against the mouspad. She’s not as strong as she looks, and recently she’s discovered that she’s really not that strong when it comes to her girlfriend.

Cady’s profile loads up on the screen, her profile picture of her hugging a lion at least putting a smile on her face. Cady rarely uses this, having only gotten it at Regina’s request and preferring to use platforms like Instagram, uncomfortable with Twitter’s character limit. 280 characters is barely enough to capture those beautiful thoughts of hers. But Janis scrolls through them anyway, not quite having realised how much she missed her until now, missed how she talks and thinks and the feel of her hand against hers. Scrolling through her Twitter is a poor substitute for having the real thing.

There’s a post from five days ago, of the two of them sitting in Cady’s backyard, her chin on Janis’ shoulder and Janis’ hand covering hers, the remains of ice cream around Cady’s chin. Cady’s mom had taken that on her daughter’s phone, the two of them lounging in Cady’s garden after she had been showing Janis her peonies.

Janis is almost taken aback by how she looks. She knows how she felt, exceedingly happy, dangerously close to in love and a little intoxicated, but also exhausted. Even though everything felt perfect and all she could ever want, in the back of her mind she was thinking about going home and collapsing into bed. Her skin crawls as she knows why she felt like that. The girl in the photo with the sparkling eyes and beaming smile has cancer. Her body was-is- falling apart bit by bit and she was none the wiser, enjoying summer sunshine and thinking about nothing other than how much she adores her girlfriend. How would she react if she knew that in a few short days, her life would be ruined?

She curses as she wipes away a tear. Hasn’t she cried enough for today?

She opens up a search engine, fear building in her chest, the hair on her arms standing up despite the warm air. She sits and watches the blinking cursor, the only sound in the room being the soft whirring of the laptop and her heavy, deep breathing. She doesn’t want to know, not at all. Knowing will only make it worse. She should just turn this thing off and toss it away before she does something she regrets. That’s what reason says.

She doesn’t listen to reason. Instead she listens to the one part of her brain that won’t shut up.

She types effects of cancer on relationships into the searchbar and closes her eyes tightly. If she can’t see the results, they don’t exist, right?

A high school senior using middle school logic. What’s become of her?

She clinks on the first link, squirming at the images that load in pieces on her screen. Hands clasped over a wooden table, two people looking into each other’s eyes with sincerity and sadness on their features. She’s never been good with emotions like that. Which is why she pushes them away, she supposes. Even the idea of sitting down carefully and Having A Conversation in hushed voices about such delicate, difficult subjects makes her want to vomit. Today was hard enough. Her parents are just lucky she loves them too much to do that.

She scrolls past sections about family and friends until the word ‘partner’ catches her eye and she stops. According to the article “cancer can be a difficult thing for couples to face” (yeah no shit). Little Miss Psychology who wrote the thing goes on to explain that “this can manifest in changing roles in the relationship” which again, no shit. The more she reads the article, the more she feels her time being wasted. There’s nothing she couldn’t already guess and most of it is for married couples with kids. Who’s going to take the kids to school, who’s going to pay the bills, who’s going to make dinner? Nothing that concerns her, nor should it for a long time.

She reads that cancer has a negative effect on their sex lives, and actually laughs. Sex was the last thing on her mind.

Then, near the bottom, it shifts from the practical to the emotional. Miss Psych explains that cancer can often cause “an inability to do leisure activities” and while that should have been obvious to Janis, it screws with her more than a little. Sure, she and Cady have quiet time in one of their rooms, but it’s always balanced by doing something else, trips to the mall or the movies, or going down to the zoo to see Cady’s beloved lions or the museum so Cady can watch Janis get lost in the art world. It’s the being with each other that makes it special, but going out like this keeps everything interesting for both of them. What do they become when that disappears?

With a shuddering breath, she pushes on, reading about how miscommunication can happen in relationships when this happens. Cady trying to keep positive could become dismissals in Janis’ eyes, or Janis keeping a mask up for Cady only leading to them stopping talking. And miscommunication is always the first step, according to Damian. Out of his three relationships two ended because they stopped communication.

And finally, “cancer can be a destabilising force for most relationships”. It’s one of the first things she sees and it’s the last thing she needs to see. There’s a lot she loves about her life now, or at least her life post-Spring Fling, and one of those is how solid it is. Steady friendships, or semi-steady in some cases, and a comfortable romance with Cady. For the first time in a long, long while she was happy without even trying to be.

She closes her eyes and turns onto her side, pressing her hand to her stomach. What must it look like in there now? According to the doctor, her body is producing more white blood cells and they can’t function and then something about her organs. While she should know better, the image of her blood turning white attacks her mind, something like white paint spreading through her veins and attacking her organs, turning them pale and hard and frozen. Maybe once it was done with her body it would bleed through her skin and show on the surface. Her body could become a statue from the inside out. Maybe if she stabbed herself right now, she’d bleed cold and white instead of red.

She shoots up, shaking the image from her head. Her heart is unsettled in her chest but she takes comfort in it, wild and erratic and alive. She pushes all thoughts of what’s happening to her out of her head, trying to replace them with anything else.

Unfortunately for her, the only anything else she can think of is Cady. Her only two options are her debilitating body or her debilitating love life.

Well, it’s not debilitating. Not really. Not yet anyway. Well, except for the fact that she hasn’t texted Cady back in two days. She’s not left her on read, but she’s no doubt left her worried. She’s always worrying, her Cady. Worrying that there’s enough food for everyone or that everyone at her place is having a good time or that her two friend groups will get along.

What will this do to her?

She opens her laptop again, fully aware of how destructive she’s being. But her mind won’t rest and checking the internet is just as good a plan as any. The article is still there when she opens it, the white light making her head hurt. Her stomach hurts more and more as she looks through the web and she’s sure it’s not because of the illness or the hastily-made mug cake.

“Cancer can be incredibly straining on the patient’s relationships,” the article tells her. “Often the patient will find it difficult to be a supportive and loving partner with the toll the illness takes on them.”

That’s the part that really sends her flying. The phone falls from her weak hands as anxiety takes over her body, making her hands shake and her chest tighten. She pushes the laptop away and pulls her legs close to her chest, pressing her forehead into her knees as she counts her breath, in for eight and out for eight.

Dumb as it sounds, she likes being someone’s girlfriend. She likes making people, particularly people she cares about, feel happy and warm and loved. It makes her feel worth something. Despite the front she presents to the world, she cares. She cares for fuck’s sake.

Cady deserves a girlfriend who supports her. One who is devoted to her and makes her life easier. Cady went through a lot last year, she wasn’t innocent in it at all, but she went through a lot. So many times she’s told Janis she’s excited to go back to school this year and just be normal. To study with her and walk to school with her and be her prom date.

‘Last year was like a shark tank,’ she had explained to her as they sat in the park, her head in Janis’ lap. ‘Next year I just want to float.’

The sharks might be gone, but Janis is bringing a whole tsunami.

It isn’t fair. None of it is, her parents have told her as much, but now it’s really not fair. Not to her and not to Cady. After a less than great first year, she deserves a better chance at real school life. She should have a girlfriend escorting her to prom, an old fashioned date-on-your-arm type of affair. They should dance under a glitter ball together while Janis whispers words of affection into her ears.

And then there’s the school side of school. Cady has so many college plans, big and lofty ones that require months and months of work. What will Janis be then? A distraction? Or worse, a burden. She’d never dream of demanding anything from her, but what if she can’t help it? Or if she doesn’t need to because Cady focuses on her anyway? What if she’s the reason Cady doesn’t make it? Her job as Cady’s girlfriend is to be her support system, her rock. If she can’t do that then what’s the point in them being together? Why should she have a girlfriend if she can’t give her everything every day?

It’s only when she finds her toy kitten twisted and wrung in her hands that she realises she’s spiralling.

“Breathe,” she whispers to herself. “Come on, breathe.”

Her mind clears as her heart slows down. Her worries don’t go away, but she can see them more precisely than before. She leans her head back against the wall, letting the air rush out of her. There is a solution to her problem, but it’s not one she likes. She guesses what she wants went out the window when her blood started acting like a dick.

After all, the best way not to hurt Cady with this is to just not be her girlfriend, right?

“You’re a moron,” she sighs, shaking her head. She stretches her arms and starts tugging on her pyjamas, tiredness taking over and dragging her eyelids down. She shuts off her laptop, avoiding even a glimpse at the article, and shoves it under her bed. In the quiet of her dark room, she can hear her parents murmuring downstairs and wonders, probably with good reason, if they’re talking about her. They talk about her a lot more than they used to. Years ago, Janis lay in this same bed listening to the same thing; anxious, inaudible conversations about her between people who thought she was asleep. Only thing is now, it hurts more. Guilt only gets worse with age. She drifts off slowly, her stuffed cat pressed into her chest, one thought coming together in her hazy mind.

She’s already hurt the three most important people with this. Can she really hurt Cady too?

*****

Her room is still dark when she jolts awake. Her eyes sting and she blinks heavily out of tiredness as well as getting used to the darkness. She knows why she’s awake before she even looks down or can feel anything. There’s only one reason she’d have woken up this early.

She switches on the light and finds her legs covered in sweat, small dark splotches on the sheets. Her top clings to her stomach and her hair to her neck, a feeling that’s uncomfortably and frustratingly familiar.

Her clock reads 4:30am. Groaning, she kicks her covers off and stumbles to the bathroom, rubbing at her bleary eyes.

Avoiding her reflection, she holds a cold cloth against her skin, her damp shirt handing over the edge of the bathtub. She can’t help asking herself, what if she had noticed this before? What if she had brought it up to her parents? She had just shrugged it off as nothing before. If she hadn’t, would they have caught it in time? Maybe this would be over sooner, maybe it would have been over already. If she had just paid more attention, she might be happy now.

She makes eye contact with her reflection, and the words ‘stupid girl’ ghost across her mind like the other her had whispered them.

“New level of self-deprecation,” she mutters, running the cloth under the cold faucet. “Blame yourself for… this.”

She settles herself in the bathtub and presses the cloth into her stomach and another to her neck, debating with herself if she should go get some ice from the kitchen. Ever the drama queen. She rubs at her heavy eyes, thankful that she has no plans for tomorrow. All her plans are cancelled for the foreseeable future, but at least there’s the silver lining of letting her sleep for longer. Karen must be rubbing off on her if she’s looking for the good parts now.

She’s almost nodding off in the bathroom, until the door open and her dad calls her name, shocking her awake and nearly giving her a heart attack on top of everything else.

“Dad!” she whispers sharply, stumbling out of the bathroom. Her dad’s eyebrows are shot up his forehead, his mouth hanging open a little as he looks at her with more alertness than she reckons he had a minute ago. He looks from the cloth in her hand to her damp shirt, confusion etched onto his features. “Dad I was just… I started sweating. I just needed to sponge off.”

“Okay,” he replies. “Do you… do you need any-”

“It’s fine.” She drops the cloth in the sink and moves to brush past him. “It’s fine, I’m okay.”

“Woah, woah, Janis,” he says, his fingers curling around her arm and his other hand on her chest. She stops where she is, avoiding his eyes. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“No,” she answers with a shake of her head. “No I’m okay. I just need to go back to bed.” Her dad nods and brushes her sticky hair away from her face.

“How long as this been going on?”

“I don’t know,” she sighs. “A few weeks, I think. It’s not every night. I think it’s a side effect of the… of you know…”

“Ah,” is all he says. There’s an air of discomfort neither of them can brush off.

“I’m fine, really,” she says, pulling his hand off her as gently as she can. She dares look up at his face for a minute, the two of them feigning composure of the other. “I’m done. You can use it.”

“Do you need anything?” he asks again. “New clothes, some water?”

She shakes her head, even though her throat is painfully dry.

“I can get new PJs in my room,” she tells him instead. “Good night, Dad.”

“Bonne nuit, petite fille,” he whispers in his native French. Although it’s short-lived, she manages a smile.

Back in her room, she pulls off her shorts and tosses them away. She may well run out of pyjama shorts thanks to this. After a second’s thought, she tosses her t-shirt away too and pulls on another one that’s a little too big for her. As she slides into her bed, she wishes her dad hadn’t mentioned water. Even though her throat cracks and she holds back dry coughs, she won’t ask for more than she has.

When she’s half asleep though, her door slowly opens, and when she wakes more minutes later, there’s a full glass on her night stand. It makes her smile, and it lasts longer this time around.

*****

Hours later, she wakes stiff and sore and nowhere near as refreshed as she should be waking this close to noon. As she curls into a ball and presses her face into the pillow, a wave of self-pity crashes into her chest and fills her lungs. Self-pity is probably her least favourite feeling out of all of them. Anger is an old friend and can be righteous and satisfying. She resists sadness more, but at least that can be reflective and healing. What does self-pity do for her? Doesn’t give her an outlet, doesn’t change anything. She just sits there and wallows in it, hating it more and more with each second until the anger wins out and she throws the covers off.

She leaves her phone switched off for as long as she can. She shuns technology entirely except for the TV, looking at the screen blankly with Maxie in her lap. Even her dog seems to know something’s wrong, either with her body or her mind. He presses his head into her stomach and looks up at her, eyes bright and wide and heart-meltingly cute, all the while whimpering quietly, his little paws tickling her stomach. Janis kisses his nose and it makes her feel a little better.

She goes up to her room and starts getting dressed, not wanting to spend the rest of her day in pyjamas. She’ll probably be doing that a lot a few weeks down the line. Possibly a few days down the line, she realises. Her shirt in her hands, she looks over at the calendar on the wall. Tomorrow is circled in red glitter pen and a little skull drawn in the box, ‘senior year’ written in black glitter pen above it. She wrote that weeks ago, end of July or beginning of August, back when it mattered.

The school knows now. Her parents called them up and told her the day after they found out. Janis, against her better judgement, sat against the bannister upstairs and listened in on it. There wasn’t a whole lot to listen to on her end; just a lot of ‘thank you’s and reiterations of what they’d been told in the hospital. What she would have given to have been a fly on the wall on the school’s end though. To hear every word about how sorry they were and the endless support they were offering to Janis and judge how much they meant it. North Shore’s not a bad place, especially since the end of Spring Fling. There are worse schools. But that doesn’t mean she trusts it. Trust is easy to eradicate and hard to win back.

Regardless, they’ll tell everyone tomorrow. They have to. It might be in a special assembly, or during morning announcements. Maybe they’ll take her friends out of class one by one and break the news to them gently. Or just assume they already know. They’d be a quarter right in that case.

Her phone is still dead on her nightstand. She picks it up the way you’d pick up a live grenade and holds it gingerly in both of her hands. Her reflection stretches before her in the screen like a funhouse mirror. She’s not felt quite so afraid of her phone since she was 12, but now she’s not scared of what people would say to her. The opposite really.

She turns it on after an eternity and places it on the floor until it stops buzzing. One message from Damian, asking how she’s feeling and if she wants to hand out, followed by a yellow heart. Three from Cady, one good morning text, one photo of her hamsters and one asking if she’s okay. It’s harsher than anything she’s seen from her before and the worst part is she has a feeling that’s only the beginning. It’s still polite and careful, asking Janis to talk to her “whenever she’s ready”.

That may take a while, Cady.

Her chin rests on her knees, her nails digging into the sides of her legs and her jaw tightly clenched. Her breaths are long and shallow. She’s not exactly a stranger to difficult conversations. Between coming out and telling them about Regina and telling her parents she wants to major in art, she could make a walk of fame of them if she really wanted to. But none were like this. They could all end in good things and they all did. Nothing good could come of this, not for her and certainly not for Cady.

She dials the number slowly, despite having never dialled a number in her life. Like if she takes longer, she’ll get a better idea. Or this will all end if she waits long enough.

Shouldn’t she know better now, she thinks as she presses call.

“Hi!” Cady picks up on the second ring, sounding out of breath, like she’d ran to pick it up. She can almost picture her just from the sound of her voice; brown eyes wide, maybe twirling the ends of her hair. Or sitting on her bed, her hand buried in a pillow and feet anxiously tapping the floor. She hates herself and this isn’t even the worst part. “Um, hey, how are you?”

There’s a tiny spark of warmth in Janis’ chest, in amongst all the fear. She’s missed her voice so much.

“Um, yeah,” she replies, aware she’s not actually answering her. “No I’m-I’m good.” As her mouth runs dry, she starts worrying if she is even able to talk right now. Near silence stretches between them, broken only by Cady shifting on the other line and her parents talking below her. As she tries to find something, the idea of just hanging up and throwing out her phone crosses her mind and she can’t quite dismiss it.

“Did you go to your hospital appointment?” she asks, a calm tone taking over her voice. “How was it?”

“Oh,” is all she can muster up. “It was…” Horrible. The worst day of my life. Ruined my life. I wish it had never happened. I haven’t been happy since. “Fine, I guess.”

“So you found out what was wrong?” she asks. The question forms a rope, tightening around her neck.

“Yeah. It’s not important.” Just slightly life-altering. She lets go of her wrist, shaking out of her cold hand. She flexes her fingers, words coming out of her mouth thoughtlessly. “I need-I need to talk to you.”

“Okay. Should I… should I be worried?”

Yes.

“I don’t know,” she replies. She pushes herself to her feet, legs shaking, and pulls her sweater around herself. She bites hard on the inside of her cheek. Her main priority out of this is Cady not hearing her cry. “Caddy…”

She closes her eyes and mouths a silent apology before continuing.

“Caddy, I think we need to take a break.”

Cady stammers on her end, nonsensical, meaningless sounds that do nothing but fill empty space. Janis bites into her fist as tears begin running down her face. It builds up in her chest instead and it aches. Is this heartbreak? Is this what they mean when they say it? She’d always taken it metaphorically. Turns out it’s literal.

“Take a break?” Cady echoes. “Janis I don’t-what do you mean take a break.”

“I mean-” She takes a deep breath, hoping that the sniffle sounds like allergies. “I mean, we’re going into our senior year, Cady. That’s a lot. You’re looking at math college, I’ve got a lot to do for art school, I think it’s best if we-if we just pause it.”

She can’t hold it back. She puts the phone on the bed, the covers blocking any sound and presses her face into a pillow, letting herself cry into the fabric. It’s not much, just enough to let herself breath again. It doesn’t stop hurting or even hurt any less, but she can speak again.

“Janis? Janis are you still there?” Cady asks, muffled by her covers. “Janis?” She picks it up and throws herself off the bed, walking in a continuous circle.

“Yeah I’m here,” she says, her throat raw. “Sorry Maxie was being a dick.” She crosses her fingers behind her back.

“Janis I just want-I just want to understand,” she says. Her own voice shakes a little and it’s a knife against her ear. She’s probably pacing the room, a frown on her lovely face. Janis slaps herself on the cheek like she can slap the image out of her mind. “Janis we can make this work. Loads of people date in senior year-hell, Karen and Gretchen are. Aaron was a senior year-”

“You’re going to use Regina and Aaron as an example of couple goals?” she snorts, an unkind edge in her voice that tastes vile on her tongue. Hurting Cady is more painful than the cancer will ever be, yet a part of her wonders that if she’s a bitch now, this will end faster.

Thankfully, she still has some integrity.

“That’s different,” Cady huffs. “That’s Regina. You and me… we’re you and me.” There’s a long sigh on the other end and Janis can imagine her rubbing her forehead like when she’s debating a math problem. “Janis lots of couples date in senior year. Rachel Hamilton was still with her girlfriend last year. They’re still together now. And I know-I know you’re worried about stuff, I’m worried about stuff, but if we stay together at least we can-”

“Cady!” She jumps at her own voice. She’s never heard herself as sharp as she was just there. Her voice echoes around her and cuts her skin. She lowers herself onto the bed again, her limbs weak. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Cady assures her. She doesn’t deserve this level of gentle. Not from her. “It’s okay let’s just talk this out. Maybe we could get Damian-”

“No.”

“You’re right. Bad idea,” she says lightly. “Look Janis, we’re all stressed about senior year. But we don’t need to jump to anything yet, right? We can just take it easy and if it gets too much-”

“It’s already too much,” she replies. She’s not lying. Cady just doesn’t know. “Cady I’m sorry but it’s already too much. I can’t deal with a relationship now. It’s- it’s not you.” Her nails dig into her palm. “There’s just too much happening in my life for a girlfriend now. I mean, I didn’t think it would last as long as it did.”

“You didn’t?” And if pain were a sound, it would be Cady’s voice. Breathless and cracking, the two words shaking. If she had punched her right in the face it would have hurt less than what she just said.

Congratulations, Janis. You just did exactly what you wanted to avoid.

“Not like that,” she whispers pathetically. “Just… I think it’s best for both of us if we end it here.”

“Okay.” There’s a finality in that one word, a line drawn under everything they had these past months. Nothing could have prepared Janis for this. “Okay fine. If that’s what you want, then fine. We can end it here. I’ll see you tomorrow then, maybe.”

“Thank you.”

She’s not sure if Cady heard the end of that. The dial tone rings in her ear, loud and unending. She keeps it there because in a weird way it’s like keeping Cady there.

She got what she wanted, didn’t she? After all, why should she be Cady’s girlfriend right now when she can’t be what she needs? This is all for the best, isn’t it? Now Cady can focus on school with minimal distraction and Janis can go through this without dragging more people down with her.

“Fuck that,” she says in a low voice. Her chest rumbles as her breathes suddenly get quicker, her fingers curling inside and out. Fuck that. It’s not what she wanted, not at all. She wanted a senior year with Cady. For her to slap Janis away as she tries to distract her from homework. To greet her with hugs in the mornings and hold hands with her in the afternoon. Her visions fall apart in front of her and roll away, stopping her from building even a daydream to keep her going. Her nails scratch at her scalp as she pulls on her hair, a dull throbbing rising in time with the dial tone’s steady beeping. As she bites down on her cheek, she doesn’t know if she’s imagining the metallic taste in her mouth, if it’s blood or just her own cocktail of anger and shame and grief.

It keeps building inside her, rising like a tidal wave and filling her lungs, her mouth, her ears. Much like the hard conversations, these feelings aren’t new to her, rage and anxiety are long-time companions. Lately she’s started turning to the people around her when she’s feeling like this, heaving learnt the value of a support system, but her parents are busy enough and she can’t face Damian with this and drive a wedge between him and Cady who is incidentally the person she wants to talk to the most but she doesn’t have Cady anymore because she just broke up with her and Cady doesn’t even know why, and all Janis has is that stupid ringing dial tone-

“Oh shut up!” she yells, chucking her phone across the room. It bounces against the wall with an audible ‘thump’ and falls to the floor. At least the ringing stops. She her head hits the mattress, bouncing a little before going still. The ringing from the phone has entered her head instead and has seemingly no intention of leaving no matter how tightly she closes her eyes or how hard she covers her ears. Her nails leave indents on her skin and her fingers tangle in her unbrushed hair.

“Janis?” She doesn’t even hear her door opening above the noise in her head. Her mom hesitates as she enters, unease evident in her hunched shoulders and flitting eyes. “Janis I heard you yelling-”

“I’m fine.” The words are dull and heavy and hold no semblance of truth. She forces herself to look over at her mom. At least her eyes are dry. “I just talked to Cady.”

“Oh, baby,” she sighs sympathetically. The bed sags as she sits down, her hand covering Janis’. “I’m sorry hon. I know that can’t have been easy.” She just nods, a heavy weight pressing into her chest. She doesn’t cry and wonders if she’s used up all her tears in the past two days. Her mom’s hand moves in a small, gentle motion on her shirt; it’s comforting to her and it soothes her frantic mind. So why doesn’t she like it?

“Mom,” she begins. “No offence but I… I just want to be alone.” She can’t miss the sadness in her mom’s eyes no matter how hard she tries. The hand grows slower and lifts from her back. “I’m sorry, just-”

“It’s okay, Jan,” she says, pushing herself up. She stands over her, the picture of the doting mother. “We’re just downstairs if you need anything.”

“Mom.” Janis manages to push herself up by a mere fraction. Her mom halts right where she is, turning around so quickly she should be accompanied by a whooshing sound effect. She also can’t miss how bright her eyes are, ready to attend to whatever Janis needs. “Um… can you pass me my phone? It’s… it’s on the floor there.”

The request is so tiny and not at all suited to her mom’s hyper-focus. Not to mention how weak and pathetic her voice sounds. It doesn’t belong to her body, her towering frame that even cancer can’t take away from her. Her mom nods, smile on face, and hands it over to her.

“I… I threw it across the room,” she admits, gesturing with her chin. “At the wall.”

“That’s okay,” her mom says. Something about the careful tone doesn’t sit right with Janis, but she’s too drained to care. “If it’s broken we can just get you a new one, okay?” Her hair moves against the fabric of the covers as she nods. “See you later, kid.”

When her mom leaves, the door stays open slightly, no doubt on purpose. She doesn’t have the energy to get up and close it.

Tomorrow should have been the first day of her senior year. Instead it’s the first day for everyone but her. They’ll all be preparing for the unknown, but while her friends prepare for SATs and college choices, she’ll be preparing for IVs and blood tests. They won’t want to get out of their beds, and she’ll be confined to hers.

Janis rolls onto her side, her phone laying dark beside her. No new messages, not from Cady or Damian. The former probably doesn’t have anything to say to her and the latter doesn’t know what. He’s been giving her a lot of space since she told him. She runs her finger across the cold glass, gliding smoothly across until it finds something that shouldn’t be there. A ridge that runs against her fingertip. She’s almost certain what this means, and last week she would have been freaking out and throwing curse words around. Now she just sighs and turns on her phone to assess the damage.

Her lockscreen is, of course, a photo of her and Cady, taken by none other than Damian. The two wearing their pyjamas at a sleepover they had at Damian’s, a night of movie-musicals, Cady’s hair in a messy side braid and her head on Janis’ shoulder and Janis pressing a kiss to her head. An hour ago it was the perfect picture, and one of Janis’ favourites. Now there’s cracks running through the screen, small ones at the top poking through her hair and over her eyes, and a longer one that slices between her and Cady. They’re not too bad. Nowhere near bad enough to warrant a new phone. But they’re there and they’re all Janis can see.

#mean girls broadway #mean girls fanfic #cadnis #janis sarkisian #cady heron #damian hubbard #cadnis fanfic #paint by numbers #janis x cady #fic: heart of stone #hey look! some cadnis! actual cadnis! whee!

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alienatedhooman · 6 years

Text

Starling

A/N: So this is like my first ever tumblr one shot post but I’m no writer I just did this for fun 😂 Anyways please take it easy on me and enjoy 💕

Tags: @chims-kookies

— 🌟 —

“...and cut!” The director, Beverly Abbotts stated, a wide grin spread across her face. The cameraman who we called Michael for fun grabbed the clapboard nearby him and clicked it, signaling the other staff around us that the music production was finally finished.

“Whoo!” Annika, my manager and mother like figure clapped her hands as she cheered me on, making her way over to me. I got off the set and she handed me my (f/c) robe to cover up and gave me a bottle of water. “Stunning as always.” She complimented.

I opened the cap, taking big gulps and sighing in relief afterwards. “This water tastes delicious,” I stated wiping my mouth. “Hey Miss Melrose do you mind if I spend the rest of the day at Damian’s?”

Annika gave me a stern look. “What if you get spotted by the fans? What if something bad happens to you?”

I playfully rolled my eyes and chuckled, “I’ll be fine Miss Mel! I’m really good at sneaking out, even you know that.” I commented referring to the times where I’d go out late at night just to sightsee.

Annika still didn’t look convinced. I gave my best puppy eyes at her and it looks like I got a gamer win. “Fine, but come back as soon as you can. You’ve got some upcoming interviews in a little while.”

“Thank you!” I shouted in glee as I rushed into my changing room. As I opened the door, I grabbed my phone out from the table littered with different kinds of makeup. I scrolled through my contacts until I found Damian and then started typing.

Me: Hiya lovie!

Dami 💓: Hello, beloved. How was the filming?

Me: It went really well. Are you busy today?

Dami 💓: No I happen to be free. Is there anything you need?

Me: Coolio, and no, wanna hangout today though?

Dami 💓: Always habibi ❤️ Would you like Alfred to pick you up?

Me: Yeah that sounds great :) See you in a couple of minutes, I love you 💘

My cheeks started hearing up and I looked at myself in the mirror, looking like a blushing mess. I changed out of my revealing outfit, feeling glad I didn’t have to wear it anymore. I went over to my closet and wore a blue gingham tube top, pairing it with high waisted cuffed shorts. I grabbed my backpack filled with all my belongings and necessities, slipping on a pair of white white shoes the heading off.

As I peeped through the covered windows of the building, I noticed a swarm of actors, singers, staff and others alike rushing to get to their designated areas like bumblebees going from one flower to another. I opened the door, the Gotham sun immediately blazing my skin and just in time Alfred came rolling up in his limousine.

I smiled as I quickly opened the door, not wanting him to get out and do it for me, “Hey Alfie!” I greeted and waved at him from the back.

He looked at his mirror and gave me a warm smile, “Hello to you too, Miss (L/N). How are you doing?”

“Peachy,” I stated as I set my bag down and put on my seatbelt. “What about you?”

“I’m alright, thank you,” he replied as he started driving. “I must say, Master Damian is very pleased to see you.”

— 🌟 —

“Damiaaaan.” I whined as I rolled over to my side, laying down on my belly as I kicked my legs up and down on his bed.

“This will only take a minute, beloved.” Damian responses as he typed away on his laptop, standardizing emails to send out to his employees discussing the events occurring for the next few weeks. Damian was in his early 20s but he sure knew how to run a business.

“But you promised.” I said with a pout, placing my palms on the sides of my jawline and letting the weight of my head on it.

He continued to type, the sounds of the keys clicking filling the silence in the quiet room. I frowned as I changed my position and sat up, crossing my legs and arms.

“I’ll ask Bart if I can hang out with him then.” I joked around, getting up and pretending to leave as I headed for the door.

Bart and I are pretty close friends, he’s saved me a bunch of times from paparazzi and mobs, speeding me away. Damian wasn’t too pleased at the idea of me running off with him, afraid of losing me.

In a swift manner Damian stood blocking the door, eyebrows knitted together as he looked defensive. In the back of my head I was laughing like a madman and I tried my hardest not to let out a laugh.

“Fine.” He stated in defeat, finally giving in.

“Yay!” I squealed like a little girl, bear hugging him. Damian hugged back, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on top of my head.

After what felt like hours we pulled away. Damian gave a quick peck on my lips, kneeling a bit to reach my height. “I’ll go grab my phone,” I said as I went to go fetch it from my bag laying on the ground.

Damian sighed but smiled afterwards. They didn’t spend a lot of time together due to their schedules but he savored times like these. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was truly a lovesick puppy.

— 🌟 —

“Hey guys, it’s (Y/N) and today’s special guest is my lovely boyfriend!” I said as I started drumming on his desk, hyping up Damian while he sat down on his chair looking emotionless. “He doesn’t talk much.”

Damian gave you a soft glare, huffing a little bit, “Yes I do, that’s absurd.”

“Anyways,” I say as I grabbed the container filled with many papers cut into small rectangles, “we’re gonna be reading thirst tweets today as requested. Would you do the honor?”

“Tsk.” Damian uttered saying his alternative instead of tt. He pulled out a random paper and gave it to me.

“Okay, let’s read the first one,” you began to read the paper out loud. “(Y/N)’s body is a temple and I want to bust her walls down.”

My boyfriend’s eyes suddenly widened as his jaw dropped and I started cracking up. He’d definitely try to track these people down afterwards for sure. “This is harassment!” He declared beginning to throw a fit.

“Lovie it’s fine, it’s like not it’s gonna happen in real life.” I snarkily remarked and it felt like I could feel people’s hearts breaking after what I announced.

“Moving on,” I proceeded taking out a paper myself, “I’d run around a cactus field and set myself on fire if it means you could sit down on my face for 8 seconds.”

Damian and I looked at each other and slowly looked at the phone, blinking our eyes open and closed ever so often. “Thank you, next.” I phrased from one of my songs.

After a few more tweets getting weirder and nastier each second, we finally got down to our last down. “Final one, boys. Let’s read what it says.”

“I want (Y/N) to shove me against my locker so hard just like how she did it with Troye Sivan in her music video.”

I gasped at what the anonymous tweet said, “That’s actually so mean.”

Damian chuckled as he wrapped his arm around my back, “Should’ve thought about that when you were filming.”

“It wasn’t under my direction!” I stated defensively.

With his other hand, Damian squished my cheek as I tried to puff them up and look tough, “You’re cute when you look all hot and bothered.” He commented with a smirk and all of a sudden I started blushing again.

“W-well there you have it folks! See you next this. This is (Y/N) and Damian signing out.” I said in a hurry, ending the live as quick as I could.

“It’s been ages since we’ve properly hung out, do you have time to go out tonight?” Damian inquired as he held me closer.

“I have a couple of interviews but I’m not doing anything afterwards.” I spoke, testing my head on his chest hearing his heart beat.

“Meet me up by the rooftop? Our usual spot.” His emerald eyes looked into my (e/c) orbs, face leaning dangerously closer to mine.

“You can count on it.” I planted my lips onto his, wrapping my arms around his neck as he carried me onto the bed. It may be hard not seeing each other for months and having busy schedules but when we’re together there’s never a dull moment.

#damian wayne x reader #damian wayne #batfam #batfamily #jason todd x reader #dick grayson x reader #tim drake x reader #damian and you #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #robin

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alyricalberry · 6 years

Text

Building Bridges || Sebchel

Who: @alyricalberry & @bismythe

When: October 16, 2018

Where: NYADA, outside Florence Farr

What: Rachel runs into Sebastian outside of her classes and they get to talking.

Warnings: None

Sebastian sits outside of Florence Farr, looking effortlessly cool in an all-black ensemble that helps him appear A) subtle and B) seductive. Subtlety is the important thing for a change. He's been hogging this bench for the past hour in this exact spot (despite another pair of students pointedly edging closer and closer until leaving in a huff, score Sebastian) absolutely crushing Little Alchemy on his phone and keeping a watch at the main door to the building. Any minute Rachel Barbra Berry should emerge, and Sebastian will be ready. Of course there are multiple doors to the building, but after a few promising conversations with classmates and random students, he's fairly certain he's in the right place to catch her after whatever she does there on the weekends. Personally, Sebastian doesn't think it's any of his business when a Bloodline family produces a "lost child" to bring into the fold, but unfortunately hers is not just any family. SmytheCo. has been steadily crushing the Corcoran family since before Sebastian was born and his father - his father, a troglodyte who barely comprehends the existence of multiple social media platforms -- texted him to keep an eye on the situation, so that's what he's going to do. Sebastian pauses his game play long enough for a full body stretch and a less covert glance of his surroundings. Not seeing -- or hearing, he's been assured he'll hear her long before he sees her -- Rachel, he snaps his Xtra Patience Infused gum between his molars and settles in for another round of waiting.

Rachel had spent her Saturday mostly as she normally did, which was by rehearsing in one if the Florence Farr study rooms. It had been a tradition of hers since she’d started at NYADA. Every Saturday, two hours if vocal rehearsal followed by dance practice after lunch. It was true that her dance practice bad fallen to the wayside lately, and that was mostly because she’d developed a new habit, which consisted mostly of pacing in front of Shelby Corcoran’s office doors. Sometimes Rachel almost got the courage to knock on the door to see if the woman—her mother—would speak to her. But Rachel knew it was a fruitless endeavour. Whenever Rachel tried to speak to Shelby after a class, she would deftly sweep away, pretending she hadn’t heard her. It was clear to Rachel Shelby had no intention of ever being more than her professor, but that still didn’t stop Rachel from wanting it. She was getting to know her grandparents, which was wonderful, but there were questions she had that only Shelby could answer, like questions about her father. But Rachel could never get past that wall Shelby had put up between them. And so after having spent near an hour pacing the hall outside Shelby’s office, Rachel gave up, like she usually did, knowing she would probably never have the courage to try to talk to her mother. And today, for some reason, the thought made her more upset than usual. She quickly walked out of Florence Farr and collapsed in the nearest bench she could find, not noticing the student dressed in all black already occupying half of it. She buried her face in her hands and let out a long sigh, trying to shake off the latest wave of disappointment at how her life was turning out.

Sebastian suppresses his instinctive reaction to seeing a person in emotional distress, which is usually telling them to take that shit elsewhere. Instead he pauses his game and calls upon the same mantra he's been using for years: Fake it 'til you make it. "Hey, uh," he says softly, just enough to catch her attention, "are you okay? Normally, I wouldn't ask but with everything going on," he trails off, looking away. Sebastian can be charming when he wants to be; put him with a group of people at a party, and they'll be MagicMorph in his hands before the night is over. Sebastian just needs an opening and if Feelings are his way in, then that's just what he's going to have to do.

Rachel jumped when she heard someone speak to her. She looked up and vaguely recognized him from Tumblr, and from Blaine talking about him. “Um, hi. You’re Sebastian, right?” She asked. She pushed her hair behind her ears and sat up straighter. “I’m fine, really. Some days are just a little tougher than others with everything going on, you know with finding out I’m a secret Bloodline, and my biological mother having absolutely no interest in talking to me. It’s... a lot,” she said with a bitter laugh. “Sorry, I don’t mean to unload all this on you, I know we barely know each other,” she added, wiping discreetly at her eyes.

Sebastian blinks. "Yeah, no, that sounds like a lot," he replies, to give himself time to re-evalute his strategy. Well. That was easier than he thought it would be. He expected a little hesitation before he could tease out the problem, but this is even better. "It's fine, really," Sebastian says, and realizes he might sound too eager. He clears his throat. Slow and easy does it, Sebastian. He repeats, in a calmer fashion, "It's fine, really. Sometimes people find it easier to talk to strangers to get an outside perspective." He shrugs, opening his messenger-style bag to retrieve his toiletries bag. He takes out his Magic Refresher Towel -- guaranteed to remove signs of tears without messing up her make up -- and hands it to her. "Nice to meet you. It's Rachel, right? We're, uh, mutuals on tumblr or something?" As if he doesn't know that already. "I'm sorry she doesn't want to talk to you. I'm sure you have important questions for her. If you don't mind me asking," Sebastian begins slowly, "if she won't talk to you, how did you find out?"

Rachel couldn't help but smile at Sebastian's sympathizing with her. It was nice having someone who would just listen to her. Even if he was a stranger. She accepted the towel from her and gently dabbed her eyes. "Thank you, and yes, that's me. You're friends with Blaine, right? He used to live in the room beside mine in Zephyrus, before he randomly moved to Notos. I still don't know what that's about," she told him. She pondered answering his question for a second. He wasn't the only student who'd ask her about all the drama that had unfolded in her life lately. But Santana's video was floating around somewhere so what was the point in hiding it. "Well, my grandparents—Caroline and Jacob Corcoran, I don't know if you've heard of them?—they found out about me somehow and had me watched by a bodyguard for a while before they decided to have him very publicly announce that I was the long lost Corcoran heir. That was a fun day," she said, somewhat bitterly. "Anyways, they're the ones I have contact with. Ms. Corcoran isn't very interested in having a relationship with her daughter, apparently. But that's okay. At least I have my grandparents, right?"

"Of a sort," Sebastian replies. Even though there really isn't much to say, he figures it can't hurt to give her some extra information. "I moved around a lot as a kid, so we haven't had a chance to catch up. Notos is located in the heart of campus and is a popular place for NYADA students to socialize, study, dine, and then tuck away high into the clouds for rest. I mean," -- is he quoting the brochure? He's quoting the brochure -- "It's also pretty secure from what I understand. Not the worst move to make." He nods thoughtfully. "One of the Corcorans usually attend one of the events hosted by my family, but they're pretty attached to their reclusive mystique. I'm surprised they decided to announce it so publicly. I couldn't begin to understand how you feel." No, really, Sebastian would be mortified to find out he was a Corcoran, but that's because he's already a Smythe. A downgrade like that? No, thanks. "At least you have your grandparents," Sebastian agrees, thinking it over. So her grandparents are onboard but their daughter isn't? Interesting. "Maybe their daughter just needs time to come around. You said you were adopted, right? If your grandparents are the ones who approached you, then maybe she just needs time to get over the shock of your... introduction into Bloodline Society the same way you do. And if not? Well, what can you do? Her loss."

"I get that it's just... it doesn't seem very Blaine-like for him to have up and moved like that. He and his roommate really got along. I just can't help but feel like something's up," Rachel explained, but decided to let the subject drop. She listened to Sebastian speak and couldn't help but smile. It was nice to have someone sympathize with her and actually understand what she was going through. "I know that. I know it's her loss. It still hurts, you know? Like I'm being completely rejected by my own mother," she told him. "But I am grateful to have my grandparents, at least. They've been so nice. I take it you don't really know much about them? No one else really seems to either. Maybe that's why they wanted to make it so public, to start being seen more in Bloodline society? I don't even know. I'm still very new to all this Bloodline stuff," she chuckled. "Anyways, I'm sorry to be dumping all this on you. Thank you for listening, Sebastian. I really do appreciate it."

Sebastian shrugs because what he does and does not think about Blaine Anderson is a para for another time. "You should trust your intuition," he says, without much feeling. That's like advise 101, right? He somehow keeps his expression sympathetic as he listens to Rachel pouring her heart out. Hopefully this isn't going to be a regular thing. "The Corcorans are pretty reclusive, so what I know is courtesy of the Bloodline Magic Gloryvine." He pretends to think for a moment, hoping enough time has passed for him the idea to seem spur of the moment instead of as a the manipulation for permanent openings for future conversations that it is. "Hey, I am the master of useless genealogy trivia- I can't really help with your mom, but if you need any advice on navigating all of the 'Bloodline stuff,' I'm happy to provide assistance. We bloodlines have to stick together, right?" he says, easing himself a little closer.

Rachel couldn't help but smile at Sebastian's words. "Thank you, Sebastian. That's actually really kind of you to offer," she said. She leaned into him when he scooted closer. "I think that would be great. God knows I could use the help," she added with a chuckle. "Give me your phone. I'll give you my number and we can meet up for coffee or something? I have to be going to my next class..."

#para: Building Bridges #bismythe

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donnerpartyofone · 6 years

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eh.

What a time this is. I hardly know how to feel about it. Ironically, I think this is happening to me because a few years ago, Tumblr flagged my blog as explicit. I didn’t do anything about it because, while it was annoying and inaccurate, it didn’t make any difference to me. I didn’t even really think about the consequences of it. Now I suspect that Tumblr is using that explicit flag (among other insanities) to easily identify blogs to be shadow banned. I might have gotten pinched some other way eventually--perhaps by the same mechanism that deleted every video I posted of my gecko, and then sent me scolding emails about distributing obscenity--but now I find myself thinking, “First they came for me, and I did not speak out, because I just, like, didn’t really give a shit!”

I’m happy to see so many of my pals on Instagram already, and a little annoyed by the feeling that I have to learn to like Twitter. I’m skeptical of the alternative platforms people are talking about, like Pillowfort, probably just because they sound cute and I wasn’t too attracted to the cuteness of Ello. But maybe it would be fun to load one of those places up with all of the content we’re all frantically exporting from Tumblr? It could be cool to see everybody’s old school content that’s been lost to the fog of memory.

While I’m waiting for my blog to finish backing up, and steeling myself for the possibility that whatever it finally spits out will be missing tons of posts anyway, I’m thinking about what this all means to me. If I had the ability to port my entire blog over to another platform (I haven’t decided whether I’m desperate enough to actually pay for Wordpress, which offers that option), then it would be pretty simple--I wouldn’t have to see any of what I’ve done these last eight-ish years, but I could still ~have~ it. I started using Tumblr in my late 20s, which was a pretty dark time for me. The new way of expressing myself that I found here, and all the amazing friends I made, were a big help to me when I was in an intensely abusive relationship, barely managing an untreated mental illness that I didn’t understand yet, and still struggling to “find myself” or something. The positive impact of my Tumblr experience on my survival, my taste, my sense of humor, all kinds of shit, is inestimable. But at the same time, do I really want to see the person I was again? I don’t love the idea of losing everything I’ve done all these years, but if I had to save it all individually, looking directly at each bad joke and pithy thought and embarrassingly overworked prose and familiarly stylized image, would I? Mightn’t it be better to just cover my eyes and plug my ears, and pretend I don’t notice that it’s all sliding off the edge of a cliff into the void?

Like, I don’t know if I would have done a fraction of the post-collegiate writing that I've done if it weren’t for Tumblr. I probably turned out a couple hundred pages of memoir and film analysis and ranting and (truly valuable) self-reflexion that are at least occasionally interesting, or at the *very* least, funny. I co-ran a blog devoted to getting people to draw even when they didn’t think they could, or didn’t feel motivated, but just wanted someone to give them a reason. I mean, maybe I would have been driven to this work without Tumblr, but the truth is that Tumblr has inspired me every day. My shrink asked me what I’m always trying to get out of this platform, and I didn’t really know how to answer that question, except to say that when I work up a sweat writing some long crazy thing here, I feel enormously satisfied and relieved in some way when I post it, even if I know for a fact that only a couple of my most devoted friends will even notice it.

I changed a lot while I was here. Not just because I was literally growing up, late bloomer that I am, but being able to see this record of what I was doing, and simultaneously being exposed to what others were up to, really helped me evolve. I went from learning to enjoy my own vanity, to being able to put away my fear of looking ugly, and from showing off the best art I'd ever made, to feeling free to make bad art as long as I was still making something. As an ASD person with high social anxiety, I don’t do well at parties, but Tumblr gave me this beautiful opportunity to talk to all kinds of different people, about all kinds of things, and those people often asked me questions about myself that I had never even considered before. Of course this place can be an insulting mess, but also, people have been really, really incredibly kind to me, for no apparent reason other than that they wanted to. A lot of them are people I probably never would have met for any other reason; people I really fucking treasure.

I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity, in some ways. Like, I don’t think I really like the way that I write, but I sure like to do it! I’d been thinking for a while, should I have made more of a push, when I was younger, to publish? To “put myself out there” and “make a career out of it”? I still think, not really, but it’s hard to say, because the instant gratification of posting to Tumblr made me pretty uncurious about the potential benefits of going out into the world and seeking my proverbial fortune, entering into the competition of daily life, clawing my way toward some more recognizable achievement. Lately, I began to imagine printing a zine of my film writing--which would give me a change to rework a lot of that early tortured bullshit--and maybe including some drawings. I could probably even meet new people through such a thing, professional contacts maybe. (By “professional” I hardly mean anything smarter than like, Fangoria or something of that order, but that would be a big deal for me probably) But now that Tumblr is making itself increasingly frustrating to use in even the most innocent way, and now that I might have to move as much as I can over to a new platform, that could be an interesting chance to review what I’ve done right and wrong over the years, to say “I don’t want to do it this way anymore/I want to do it this way from now on.” I never even cared that much about improving before. I tend to think of competition as being an outlet for the chronically insecure, people who need to compare themselves to others in order to feel like there’s any meaning to their lives. It’s a vestigial impulse, I really believe that commercial and athletic and sexual competition just compensates for the obsolescence of survival in the wilderness...but uh anyway, maybe after sequestering myself in the semi-private masturbatorium that is Tumblr all these years, I could stand to be thrown out into the street to find my fortune?

So I don’t really know what to say now. I’m not quitting just yet, but I’m also not fighting my shadow ban. It’s just so stupid, and there’s so obviously no saving this place. I’m sticking around for now, but I’m going to start crossposting with a dang old blogspot: https://donner-partyofone.blogspot.com and I’ll make it clear when I’m starting to seriously add content over there. Hopefully some folks will find it interesting, and I hope those folks will also tell me if they take their business somewhere outside Tumblr. See you in the funny papers.

#tumblr purge #tumblrpurge

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years

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What is the last dream you remember? (describe) I don’t know, they’re always so random and weird. What is something that you fear will happen to you in the future? (Also Why) Let’s not go there please. Describe the best day that you can remember? Disneyland a couple years ago. Describe your worst day? There’s a lot of those, but losing my grandparents and my dog, Brandie, as well as the incident that happened to me that caused my paraplegia are most definitely at the top. When was the last time you had your heartbroken and how did you/are you dealing with it? 3 years ago.

Do you believe in love at first sight? No. What are some of your favorite songs right now? I don’t have a particular current favorite at the moment. I haven’t been listening to music much lately. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes. Especially with my mom. When was the last time you cried and what made you cry? Blah. What would your best day look like? I didn’t feel like crap and was on vacation somewhere. Do you ever have reoccurring nightmares? Describe? I have reoccurring negative, horrible thoughts. Who is the last person to text you and what were they talking about? My mom. Do you have a hobby? What is it? Surveys, coloring, reading. Name a fictional place you would like to go? Hmm. What job would you be terrible at and what job would you be good at? I know I couldn’t handle retail. I don’t really feel like I’d be good at anything, though. Have you ever traveled outside of the country? Where? If not, where would you like to go if you could and why? Yeah, I went to Mexico once. I’d love to go to various places in Europe. Do you like animals? Have pets? What kind? Yesss. I have a German Shepherd/Lab mix. <3 Name a subject you would like to study if you had time? I just want to keep up with stuff in the psychology world. Like studies and stuff. What criminal (dead or alive) would you like to sit down and talk to and why? Uh, none. It’s interesting from a psychological standpoint, but I’d be too scared. What are some small things that make your day better? I always like my first cup of coffee each day. If you are struggling with something right now, what is it? Health stuff and just...life. If you watch television what shows are your favorite? I have a few. If you could have any power in the world, what would it be and why? Teleportation. I could go anywhere I wanted, whenever I wanted. It’d be great. Has a movie ever made you cry? Which one? I literally sobbed while watching A Fault in our Stars for some reason. I never full on cry over a movie, like I’ll feel sad and tear up, but never bawl like I did that time. It was wild. If you read books, what are you reading now? I started one like 3 months ago that I need to finish. I go through spurts with reading where I’ll read a lot of books back to back and then go awhile without reading. I need to start up again. Do you think that forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something? I think it has a hold on you otherwise. Forgiving doesn’t have to mean that what the person did was okay, but that you’re deciding not to let it weigh on you anymore. If you could be a dictator on an island, what kind of crazy “dictator” rules would you put in place? I don’t want to be a crazy dictator. Do you believe in the death penalty? I’m not completely sure where I stand on that. What is something you want to do but are scared of actually doing it? A lot of things. How old are you? 29. What job would you like to do if you could do anything? I don’t know. What are some weird habits or “quirks” do you have? A lot I feel like. Certain things when it comes to eating for one, but I think I’m just weird in general. Name three things you would buy if you had the money to buy them? Plane tickets and travel expenses for my family and I to go somewhere of our choosing. Are you in a relationship right now? If so, do you think it’s a healthy one? I’m single. (Follow up) If it’s unhealthy, what makes it that way? Would you ever date someone long distance? I don’t think so. Name a person that you can’t stand and tell us why? No one I know personally. What group do you hate the most on Tumblr and why? I don’t hate anyone. What would you like people to say about you at your funeral? I don’t want to think about that. What is the meanest thing you have ever done to someone, and why? Abandon my friends and be a shitty friend. They didn’t do anything to deserve that. Have you ever sent anon hate to someone? No. If you could write a book, what would it be about? I wouldn’t. What is something you would never do? Uhhh. If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be? Don’t harm anyone. Are you addicted to anything and if you are what is it? Coffee and internet. And my pain medication, which is what you’d expect to happen when you’ve taken it as long as I have. My body has definitely become dependent on it. What bad habits would you like to break? So many... What is the scariest monster you could imagine? Ew I don’t even want to think about that. What would you do if you were going to die in three hours? I wouldn’t make use of that time in a good way, I’d be too upset, scared, and freaked out. I’d surround myself with my loved ones but I wouldn’t be thinking straight. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Nah. After almost 30 years now, I think I’ll keep this one. Describe your perfect partner Patient, understanding, kind, good sense of humor. What is a personality trait that you love about yourself? I like my sense of humor. Do you have an irrational fear? What is it? Yeah, a few Who is someone in your life that you can turn to when no one else understands? I don’t really feel like anyone understands. Do you believe in Aliens? I don’t know. If you could star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? Nah. In your opinion what is something horrible everyone should try once? Uh why would I recommend trying something I thought was horrible? What is the hardest lesson that you have ever learned? I still have a lot to learn. What mistake do you keep making over and over again? Health related things and not doing certain things that I should be doing. What do you hate about this website? I don’t have any issues with it, personally. Do you judge people before you get to know them and why? I think we all do in some way. What would be your spirit animal and why? Sloth. If you could have a video of one event in your life, what would the video be? Stuff from my childhood. We have some home videos, but I’d like more. Especially from when I was a baby. What is the most illegal thing you have ever done? Weed. It’s legal now where I live, though. What drugs have you tried, and if none, would you try something? What? Weed, Vicodin, Oxycodone, Morphine, and Xanax. Do you have children? Or want them if you don’t? No. If you could date a movie star, would you and who? Alexander Skarsgard. People in the past were buried with things that were important to them, what would you be buried with? I’d be cremated, so. What is something you are against, but find yourself doing anyway? Uhhh. What was the last photo that you took? Of the fire in our fireplace because my dad found some thing at the store that you can put into the fire and it makes it change colors. It was cool. What makes you roll your eyes every time you hear it? Anything Trump related. If you could get away with murder would you do? Who would you murder and why? Absolutely not. I’m not a murderer. What mythical creature do you wish existed and why? Fairies. What did you think was cool when you were younger? Barbies. Do you think you are a good person? Why or why not? I try to be. I don’t feel like I’ve been a good person the past couple years, though. :/ If magic was real what spell would you learn first? I don’t want to mess with magic. What is the most interesting documentary have you watched? There’s been plenty. What was the last song you sung the lyrics to? I don’t remember. What are your favorite lyrics from a song? Too many of those. What language would you like to speak if you could? I’d like to be fluent in Spanish. Who do you wish you could back into contact with and why did you stop in the first place? Ty. Have you ever hit someone? Who and why? Only playfully. What do you think they should teach in school that they don’t Hmm.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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lovewhatyoudodolan · 7 years

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#GrethanConfirmed // Dolan Twins Imagine

Prompt: You’re best friends with the twins, and after a long stressful day with them the three of you decide to end it with a hockey game before the holidays.

Word Count: 874

A/N: Hey guys! So it honestly took me awhile to find the guts to start writing again, and I decided to make a new tumblr page specifically for the Dolan Twins in order to write imagines for you guys about them.

I will be taking requests, so if you’d like something specific then feel free to send them in!

Warnings: None.

A sigh left my mouth as our car pulled to a stop at yet another red light. Tonight I was going to some hockey game with my good friends Ethan and Grayson before they fly home to New Jersey for the holidays. My eyes glance over at Gray who was scrolling through his phone in the passenger seat before roaming back to Ethan who was still passed out in my back seat.

Today had become overly eventful after getting lost on our way to this supposed ‘secret beach’ Ethan had been telling us about all week. Eventually we just gave up, but when we tried to used our phones GPS to get home we learned we didn’t have signal.

At one point I actually believed Grayson was going to climb over my center console and attack Ethan in the back seat for getting us into that mess, but thankfully it never came to that.

“Y/N the light is green,” Grayson pointed out while sneaking a quick glance away from his phone. I shook my head and began driving once again. It was unusually quiet in the car for the twins being with me and it was beginning to make me uncomfortable.

My hand moved to the volume knob for the radio and turned it up a tad only to hear an advertisement before switching it off again. “Are you okay?”

At my sudden words Grayson locked his phone and turned his head in my direction, “I just have a lot on my mind right now.” The brown eyed boy gave a slight smile, but I could tell it was fake.

“I won’t push you, but I’m here if you need to talk about it Gray.” My voice was hardly audible but I know Grayson could hear me.

After another twenty minutes of silence, I finally pulled into the packed parking lot of the ice rink. “Finally!” Ethan’s sudden voice caused me to jump but I quickly covered my fear by opening my door and exiting the car.

“I’m honestly super pumped to watch this game,” Ethan said as he followed my lead and got out of my car. Grayson ran from his side of the car and quickly jumped on Ethan’s back catching him off guard, “Same here bro.”

“What about you Y/N?” You chuckled slightly to yourself because you honestly had no clue how hockey worked. When you were younger you only watched it with your dad because it had extreme contact and was entertaining when players would get in fist fights. “It should be good.”

The three of you quickly made your way through security and into the small indoor arena. “Stop being so quiet Y/N.” Ethan yelled before grabbing your snap back and turning to face you so he’d be ready for your retaliation.

“It was Grayson’s anyways,” You responded and quickly snatched the hat Grayson was wearing before sprinting towards the women's restroom. When you were only a step away from safety though, two strong arms grabbed your waist and pulled you into their chest. “Can I please have my hat back?”

I was expecting Grayson to be serious about the situation since he hasn’t been in the best of moods lately, but his tone was one more of playfulness. “Only for a kiss.” You joke and pucker your lips.

Grayson let out a hearty laugh before releasing you, “Last time I checked you were the one who friend-zoned us.” Ethan quickly caught up and handed my hat back as I gave Grayson his.

“What can I say?” I shrug, “It’s hard to get with me.” You smirk and over-dramatically flip your hair over your shoulder. “I really do have to use the restroom though so I’ll catch up with you guys okay?” They nod and head off as I turn back towards the entrance of the restrooms.

Once I’d finished with my business I made my way into the stands to look for the twins. They weren’t anywhere outside so I figured they were already in our seats waiting. When I finally spotted them though my lips curled into a smirk and I slid my phone from my back pocket.

Grayson was leaning over and whispering something to Ethan while his hand was rested on Ethan’s knee. Anyone who didn’t realize they were twins would think they were a couple from their compromising position. You quickly took a snap video while zooming in ever so slowly on the hand rested on Ethan’s knee.

A good amount of the boys fans followed you on Snapchat account, and you knew this was going to blow up in the fandom almost instantly. You quickly typed ‘#GrethanConfirmed’ on the video before posting it to your story; taking your seat next to Ethan to wait for the game to start.

To say that video blew up would be an understatement. Within seconds the fandom had your hashtag trending on almost every social media site, but the boys didn’t realize you had posted it until you were in the safety of your own apartment.

You went to bed after receiving a threatening text from Grayson saying, ‘Don’t worry Y/N we’re already planning our revenge.”

Thanks for reading guys! This is rough since it is my first imagine in awhile. I usually write full stories and this is harder to get a feel for characters. See you next time!

#Dolan Twins #Grayson Dolan #Ethan Dolan #grayson and ethan #Ethan and Grayson #GraysonDolan #ethandolan #Grayson #dolantwinsimagine #Dolan twins imagine #grayson x reader #ethan x reader #ethan dolan imagine #grayson dolan imagine #imagine #dolan #ethan #youtubers #Grethan

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skye-penderwick · 4 years

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So there I was, scrolling through tumblr and I see a random prompt list and instead of, you know, working on my other WIPs, I latched onto the prompt of “my guitarist quit the night before the gig and supposedly you’re really good” but of course I changed that up. A lot. And here we are.

(Ngl also slightly inspired by Spider-Man 3 cause that’s literally all I could visualize during this)

“What do you mean we have a new singer?”

Jeffery looked over at the guy who would be playing the string bass that night.

“What happened to Sidney?”

“She got sick and had to cancel. But she called in to a friend apparently and found a replacement.”

Jeffery sighed. “I guess that’ll have to do. She’s not one of the dramatic types that changes the set every few seconds is she? Cause then we’re going to have issues.”

“I don’t think so.” Keenan shrugged. “I’m not really sure. Sidney just said that she was really talented and was up to try singing here.”

“Wait. Are you telling me she hasn’t sung at a jazz club before?”

“No. I haven’t.”

Jeffery turned to look at the small girl who had just entered the club. She looked up at him, daring him to dismiss her.

He cleared his throat. “Um excuse me, but how old are you?”

“Eighteen.”

He blinked. He hadn’t expected her to be that young, although Sidney was only twenty. “Alright then. What’s your name and how do you know Sidney?”

“I’m Elizabeth and Sidney and I took music lessons together a few years ago. We kept in touch once she graduated high school.”

He nodded. “Alright then. Well this is Keenan, Henry, and Michelle who goes by Mick. I’m Jeffery. Would you like to join us for soundcheck?”

Elizabeth nodded, her dark hair swinging around her as she walked over to the side of the stage.

“Sidney sent me the set list after I told her I would cover for her. I looked it over but is there anything else you want me to do?”

Keenan, and the brass duo of Mick and Henry, looked at Jeffery.

He shook his head. “I don’t think so. Sid usually stores her music in the cubby that’s in the second column, third from the bottom.”

Elizabeth nodded and scanned the cubby area grabbing the music when she found it.

“There’s also stands over there if you want to set it down. Singers don’t usually have stands but seeing as you’re covering last minute and never sang in a jazz club before, you’re more than welcome to use one tonight.”

Elizabeth grabbed a stand and placed it slightly to the right of the mic, close enough to reference it if need be but far away enough that it could be ignore if she wished, a subtle way of letting Jeffery know that she didn’t need it but was humoring him anyway.

While she adjusted her mic, Jeffery looked at the rest of the small ensemble trying to gauge their opinions.

Mick and Henry stood next to each other, holding their horns and looking at their music, but still whispering. Knowing them, Jeffery figured they were sizing Elizabeth up and betting if she was as good as she thought she was.

Keenan caught Jeffery’s eye and the two shared a silent conversation, both wondering how Elizabeth was going to do in Sidney’s role and if she was the drama queen they both feared.

He looked back to the center of the stage to see Elizabeth looking at him.

Jeffery swallowed. “Let’s begin.”

He made eye contact with the others and counted off with a nod of his head.

The four instrumentalists began the first piece, their usual opener since few were in the club when they would begin playing.

Jeffery looked over at Elizabeth as her cue was coming. She gripped the microphone and looked to the empty seating area as if it was already full of people. And then she began to sing.

If Jeffery didn’t already have this song nearly memorized, he was sure he would’ve royally screwed up. As it was, he heard Keenan play a wrong note and Henry cut out for a beat or two.

Her voice was beautiful: rich and full. Jeffery could tell that she was more of a Broadway singer than jazz but the untrained ear would never know. Her voice captured all the emotion behind the piece yet fit perfectly into the mix of instruments behind her, not washing them out but taking her place as just another member.

They finished and the group looked at her. Elizabeth saw all the eyes on her when they didn’t go right into the next song. She blushed and stared at her feet.

“Are you sure you’ve never played in a jazz club before?” asked Jeffery.

“I wasn’t allowed to until after I graduated high school,” she murmured.

“Well I can say for all of us, that that was really impressive.” The other members nodded. “Let’s finish our warmup shall we?”

They continued through, spot checking their set list and making sure Elizabeth knew what to expect.

“Alright guys.” Jeffery checked his watch. “We have twenty minutes until the club opens up and we start playing for an audience. Do whatever you need to before then. Eat. Use the bathroom. Grab a bottle of water. I’ll see you guys back up here in fifteen.”

The group dispersed into the little club, doing whatever each one needed to do.

Jeffery remained on his piano bench and pulled out his phone.

Hey Dad. Are we in need of any more singers?

A minute or two later he got a response.

Not in any desperate need but it might be nice so Sid and Layla don’t need to play as much. Why?

Sid called in sick today and had a friend of hers come in instead. She’s pretty talented and depending on how tonight goes I was thinking of offering her a full-time spot.

Send me a video of her performing and I’ll think about it.

Jeffery closed his phone and looked around the little club. His dad owned it and Jeffery had played here since he was a teenager. They brought in outside musical acts every once in a while, but also had musicians employed by the club to play most nights. The groups shifted around and there was usually a new combination of people playing each night. Adding in Elizabeth would help ease the stress on the singers, if she did well in front of an audience and wanted to sing here regularly that is.

The rest of the band returned and messed around with their instruments. Jeffery checked his watch. One minute till six.

He made eye contact with each person on the stage and nodded as they all got into position to play.

He counted off and they began, playing for an empty room that slowly began to fill.

They played their first set and took their first ten minute break. They would play a set for roughly a half hour, break, and then repeat the process until eleven when the club would close. They would put on a background track of music until the live performers would start again.

It was during this first break when Jeffery walked over to Keenan.

“I need a favor.”

Keenan gave him a side look while he drank his water.

“I need you to get a small clip of Elizabeth singing tonight.”

Keenan looked at him. “Why?”

Jeffery sighed. “Because I suggested hiring her to my dad and he needs clip of her singing. I don’t ever stop playing so my best option is having you do it.”

He smiled. “Okay.” Jeffery handed over his phone and went back to sit on the bench.

They began their second set which went much like the first, except now they had a nearly full audience and a steady stream coming in and out.

During their second break, Jeffery walked over to Keenan who smiled and handed his phone back.

“I hope this is good and I hope your dad makes the right choice. Personally, I’m in favor of Elizabeth joining.”

Jeffery agreed. She had gotten more comfortable during the second set and began to do her own spin on the songs that they played, fitting in well with the rest of the group.

He returned once more to his seat and sent the video to his dad. He turned off his notifications and set his phone on top of the piano and looked out over the crowd.

His eye caught a woman just walking in. She wore a white blouse and black skirt, bright against the dim scenery. Her blonde hair was slightly messy but it didn’t seem she cared.

She was gorgeous and Jeffery watched her as she made her way through the club and took a seat in the middle of the second row. She smiled at something ahead of her and Jeffery wished he knew at what.

This was the one problem with playing: he saw so many people come in and out and he never got to speak to them, unless they were regulars or made a point to talk to him. This woman, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, would just be another nameless face he would never know the story behind.

A throat cleared and startled Jeffery and he glanced around to see Elizabeth and the rest of the band looking at him, waiting for him to count them off.

He shook his head and began the next set, but his eyes kept drifting to the blonde woman as he played. She sat there and intently watched Elizabeth as she sang, a faint smile appearing when Elizabeth took the chance to highlight how good of a singer she was.

Most patrons at the jazz club stayed for about a set and a half, possibly two, so when the woman didn’t leave after their fifth set, he was surprised.

Keenan slid onto the bench next to him. “So what has you so distracted tonight?”

“What?”

“Dude. You’ve been out of it the last couple sets. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve been present this whole time.”

“Sure you have. It’s not like you’ve been staring at that blonde girl the moment she walked in.”

Jeffery gaped at the man sitting next to him. “No, I haven’t.”

Keenan stood up and patted his back. “Yes, you have. And if she is still here by the time we finish playing, you’d better talk to her.”

Jeffery watched as Keenan returned to his place on the stage and picked up his bass.

He looked back at the woman who sat in the audience as she put down her phone and waited for the new set to start.

Even though Keenan said to go talk to her, Jeffery knew that chances of her staying that late were slim, so he put that brief conversation out of his mind and focused on playing once more.

The time drifted by and it neared the eleventh hour. The band wrapped up their last song, and Elizabeth thanked the remainder of the audience. Some people left and others stayed waiting for their checks to arrive.

Keenan, Mick, and Henry all went about putting their instruments away as Jeffery checked his phone for the first time in a few hours.

He had received a reply from his father.

She’s incredible. Feel free to offer her a spot.

He smiled and looked up from his phone only to see that Elizabeth had disappeared.

He made eye contact with Keenan who mouthed “blonde” at him.

What?

Oh right. The blonde woman had stayed the rest of the night and Jeffery was supposed to go talk to her. His thoughts of needing to find Elizabeth had caused the other woman to vanish from his mind completely.

He looked around to see her still sitting at her table.

Keenan clapped his hand on Jeffery’s shoulder.

“Go talk to her man. I expect to hear about it tomorrow. Have a good night.”

And with that Keenan was off and Jeffery left with the daunting task of walking up to a person and talking to them.

He glanced around and still couldn’t see Elizabeth anywhere. He sighed and made his way off the stage towards where the blonde woman sat.

He was a few tables away when she stood.

Jeffery then caught sight of Elizabeth meeting the woman and the two of them smiling at one another.

“Um, excuse me Elizabeth?”

Elizabeth turned to look and him as well as the blonde woman. He was close enough to see that her eyes were bright blue and seemed as if they stared into his soul.

He cleared his throat. “You sang phenomenally tonight, Elizabeth. My father is the owner of this jazz club and on his behalf I would like to offer you a job as one of our singers.”

Elizabeth gaped at him as if she didn’t understand what he was saying.

The silence between them became long when the blonde woman spoke up. “Batty, this man just offered you a job. What are you going to say?”

“Batty?” Jeffery glanced between the two of them.

His voice seemed to snap Elizabeth out of her trance. She glared at the blonde woman. “My name is Elizabeth.” She turned back to Jeffery smiling. “I’d love to work here. Thank you for the opportunity.”

“You deserve it. You’re incredibly talented. Come back here tomorrow around four and we can figure out the terms of your employment.”

Elizabeth was now beaming. “Thank you! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

She turned back to the blonde and then immediately focused back to Jeffery.

“I’m so stupid. Jeffery, this is my sister Skye. Skye, this is Jeffery the guy who played the piano.”

Skye stuck out her hand. “Pleased to meet you and excuse my little sister’s poor manners.”

“Hey!”

Jeffery laughed and shook her hand. “They’re excused. Are you a jazz fan yourself?”

“Me? No. I don’t have a musical bone in my body. I came here tonight because Batty needs a ride home and I wanted to make sure no creeps followed her out.”

“I sincerely hope I’m not on the creep list them seeing as though I did kind of follow her.”

“I hadn’t thought of that. On second thought, you now are on the list,” her eyes narrowing although she smiled a little. “I’ll interrogate you later after I hear Batty’s report.”

“Hey. I’m right here!”

He looked at the two sisters.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “At home my nickname is Batty and that’s what my family calls me. Professionally, I go by my full name, Elizabeth. Someone routinely forgets that,” she said with a pointed look at Skye.

Her sister shrugged. “Sorry. Force of habit. Besides if you did get kidnapped, Batty is much more unique.”

Jeffery couldn’t help but smile. “I have to say, I am with Skye on this one. Batty is better.”

Skye now grinned and looked at her sister. “See? I’m right. Like always.”

Elizabeth/Batty rolled her eyes. “Yeah right. He’s just agreeing with you because he thinks you’re pretty.”

Jeffery and Skye both stared open-mouthed at her.

“I-I don’t –“

“He doesn’t – “

They both looked at each other and looked away as they made eye contact.

“Skye just give him your number and Jeffery ask her out. You know that’s what you both want to do.” She looked between the two of them and shrugged. “Oh well. I’ll just give you Skye’s number when I see you tomorrow. Goodnight!”

And with that Elizabeth/Batty pulled a dumbfounded Skye towards the door.

Jeffery watched them go and then blinked a few to times to realize what was going on.

He hurried out the door to find them a few yards down the street.

“Wait!”

The two of them stopped as Jeffery caught to them.

“You don’t seem like the kind of girl who wants to get asked out so here’s my number and text me when you feel like it.” He handed Skye a piece of paper and watched as she put it in her pocket.

She swallowed and looked up at him. “Thanks.”

With that she turned around and began walking away. Elizabeth/Batty winked at him before following and Jeffery made his way back to the club to lock up.

He heard a gleeful cry of “He nailed your personality!” and harsh shush behind him and looked back to see Skye staring at him as they turned the corner.

Maybe he would have something to tell Keenan tomorrow.

#the penderwicks #jeffery tifton mcgrath #batty penderwick #skye penderwick #skyeffery #au #i will fuel my own need for penderwicks content #i wrote a thing

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crmmudblood · 7 years

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Hey there everyone! Hope you all had a nice Halloween! I’d meant to do a tutorial get ready with me, but gosh, it’s been a long week. I had my Horror convention over the weekend, where I sold bath bombs. I talk about them a lot, but not sure I’ve ever really mentioned them in a blog post. I did decently, but gosh it was stressful. With that, Halloween, and then working right after on some website stuff, I’m just wiped.

Well, okay so, I’m still not on my game lately. I’m not sure what’s up. My motivation’s been shot and honestly, there’s only a sparse few things keeping me sorta coming into SL. sometimes, I only log in once or twice a week. I do miss how it used to be, when I was able to enjoy hogwarts and friends, but I’ve been enjoying real life more, with conventions, hanging with friends, as well as my boyfriend. I’ll try to get back into my consistency, but it’ll take a bit.

Also, if you haven’t heard, I’ll be teaching at BVNUniversity next year for both vlogging 101 and 102. I’m not quite sure what to expect, but I’m both nervous and excited, and hopeful it’ll get more doing more again with the community.

Anyways, today, I decided to dig through my blogotex as well as my objects folder. Everything about my inventory is a hot mess, so I think I am now officially the worst “once consistent” blogger ever. I had gone through and explained every thing i did as i worked, but uh..well..I was just a mess ahaha, it’d take me like ten minutes just to point out one thing. I’ll try again later! If you liked the location I shot at, it’s on the main floor of my home, so feel free to come visit, the slurl is in the decor part.

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My Feeds:

I’ve been vlogging now for over a year in secondlife! I love to do unboxing videos, sim and store hauls and tours, interviews, games, decorating, and so much more! I also love doing tutorials and working with other bloggers and vloggers in secondlife. If you’d like something featured, request or tutorial, or join in on any of my videos, game shows, or live streams, feel free to contact me on any of my social media, or in world!

-CassandraMiddles Resident

Appearance Maitreya Lara Mesh Body Lelutka Simone head Bold and Beauty Bella Skin Opale Alice Hair Veechi Harvest chill blush Veechi Toasted Liner

Wearing: Blueberry Poppy Leggings NEW Yummy layered pearl necklace gold reign blair boots and socks Miss Chelsea Rana Jacket Berry

Decor: If you’d like to use this location for photos, feel free to come visit, here’s the SLURL

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bangtancity · 7 years

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TOP TEN MARKSON MOMENTS

Long post ahead y’all but this was a lot of fun to go back and reminiscence about markson and their antics together. I hope all of y’all enjoy!

Also, please remember that these are my own personal opinions and that they shouldn’t be taken literally or seriously. But if you ever wanna come talk markson with me, I’m always ready :) ((Note: All gifs should be linked directly but videos and pictures with have physical links above them because I’m not sure how to link those to their respective tumblrs– if your post is here and you want your content removed bc you don’t like the linking, msg me and I’ll take it down.)) I’m a litlle late but here we go!!

1. This was one of the ones I already had in mind ;) I just love it bc it’s such a weird situation to be in but Mark, ever the gentleman, just takes it in stride and keeps his hands to himself. I love how near Jackson gets to Mark and if that isn’t the simplest testament of how (pun coming) close they are, I don’t know what is. In all honesty, if Mark really wanted out, a simple hand on the back or a squeeze on the shoulder or even just shifting out of the way would have sufficed but he stays and although his face is stoic, his eyes are constantly on Jackson. LOVE IT!

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

2. SOFT!! My heart always swells a bit when I see this picture!! It’s natural and pure and they’re both enjoying this moment and it’s evident on their faces. I personally think jumping around puts a smile on most peoples faces and if other people, friends, are doing it with you, then there’s no way that isn’t going to make you shine. SO, jumping+BFF+concert adrenaline+love= BIG A__ SMILES !! Oh they’re also cuties so there’s that factor too.

LINK: http://fyeahmarkson.tumblr.com/post/136342100342

3. TBH I GOT DISTRACTED WITH THIS ONE AND REWATCHED THIS SECTION OF THE REAL GOT7– anyways…THIS IS PROBS MY ALL-TIME FAVE, THAT I FORGOT ABOUT. So the whole episode itself was hilarious with got7 and we got some markson moments sprinkled in but THIS, THIS takes the cake. I mean who doesn’t want to see their otp get this close to kissing? I love Mark’s hands cradling the back of Jackson’s head. I’d like to believe that Jackson stretched his neck up a bit more when Mark touched the other side of the paper but I’m not sure in this gif bc its quick (maybe I’ll add another one after I publish this). Like omg still can’t believe this happened though :D

4. Ok all the Got2Day Vapp stuff was gold and I loved the fact that we got to see everyone but of course my faves Mark and Jackson had the best one ;) It was cute and relaxed and I just love them in light/soft colors. Also #no#personal#space !! The video is just a short moment but it is super cute and I love them smiling at eachother bc heart palpitations~ OH but the second gif is MY FAVORITE bc it’s Mark just watching Jackson talk and he just looks so content and caring and its just one of those moments ok

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

LINK: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/152683520387/jackson-lays-on-the-table-and-mark-laughs

5. I could rant FOR YEARS about this but idk if tumblr has a character limit or no.. BUT SERIOUSLY THIS IS JUST ICONIC!! It was actually the 1st to pop into my mind bc it was my icon (no joke for that one sorry) for a month I think? ANYWHO, I just straight up love this. They’re close. Jackson’s shirtless. Said Jackson is pressed along Mark’s backside. Said Mark is very very very smiley. Like Jackson could’ve chosen someone else- JB was kinda close I think- but he chose bae and got all up in bae’s business. And the fact that he’s partially restraining Mark? Keeping him flush with his body and leaning in to talk to him? My heart cannot keep up, this some tachycardia **** right here omg seriously!! Is it hot for anyone else in here or is it just them? *wink*

PICTURE LINK: http://bangtancity.tumblr.com/post/149470443176/fyeah-markson-please-tell-me-again-that-markson

VIDEO LINK 1: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/149317913961/shirtless-jackson-hugging-mark-from-behind

VIDEO LINK 2: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/149277241258/two-angles

6. GO WATCH THE VIDEO PLEASE. Like the caption is spot on in my mind and I couldn’t agree more on the fact that it looked like Jackson was going to do something intimate and then he hesitated and looked at the camera!! UGH. seriously a fave moment bc its like what were you gonna do? huh?! You can’t not agree with the fact that that boy was playing around behind Mark. And then there’s Mark’s small smile and that little thing he does with his mouth, which reminded me of someone keeping a smirk in check. Oooooh there’s def something going on there and I wish I knew what it was!!

LINK: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/151033384652/i-already-posted-this-but-ill-post-it-again

I couldn’t find a gif of this video D: but I found some others from the same video (they’re faves but this ^^^ moment is the one I really cared for)

7. ANOTHER VIDEO!! 9/10 markson shippers should remember this badboy right here. I don’t even remember what video this moment came from but even if I see a still I freak out bc this is literal gold. One of the best shows of touchy!Mark and cuddly!Jackson ever. Seriously, Mark kept putting his hands on Jackson and moving subtly, and then he even has the nerve to lean into Jackson further to whisper something-BOY!! And then there’s Jackson who decides it’s perfectly ok to rest his head on Mark’s chest all casual like he’s done it a thousand times before. And one moment I really love to see is Jackson noticing Mark playing with J’s bracelet, looking at him, and then Mark moves his hand away so quickly like he’s been caught. its cute. don’t fight me on this. Also I got newly-dating vibes from this: not sure how much actual touching is safe, leaning into one another, glued at the hip, private jokes. Markson or never ;) I’ll add a gif when I find one!

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

LINK: http://awesomemeowww.tumblr.com/post/128284251380/markson-httpifttt1hebms6

8. This picture satisfies like 3 things from my otp goggles-on checklist: smiling towards the other, touching, and suggestive posturing. Don’t tell me that this doesn’t look like Jackson’s about to pull Mark in and plant one on him! The positioning of Jackson’s hands make me wanna punch something bc who puts their hands there unless its for a headbutt or a kiss?? And lemme tell you that I’m 99% sure that he’s not about to headbutt Mark. (ALSO ARMS 4 DAYS JACKSON OVER HERE #hot hot hot) Back to the smiling and touching and pose- they’re close for one thing, and then Mark’s about to go into hug mode, there’s full eye contact going on, and what a beautiful smile!! It seems so loving and happy that I just can’t deal with them rn. I have a link to a gif, Jackson jumping into Mark’s arms :) , so I’ll add that in later!

PHOTO LINK: https://dani-okem.tumblr.com/post/160701529358

9. Ok but I really think they fit together so well sometimes~ Like their heights aren’t monumentally different but it’s enough that they look good together. SO there’s that sly BUTT tap and then the blessed hand moves up to the lower back (i like ur style boy) and eventually falls off the waist when they stop in front of the fans. Mark is totally guiding Jackson here and it seems like he’s 100% a-ok with it. Oh and there’s definitely some smiles going on here! I wish we had more concerts but the fanmeets are still great but there’s something about concerts that really let otps shine.

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

10. VIDEO— ITS THE FINAL ONE Y’ALL AND ITS A FAVE BC I’VE BROUGHT IT UP A FEW TIMES. (lol I still get pissed every time I remember that I posted the screenshots on my old baeksoo account instead of this one but oh whale:) ) anyways I just love love love this bc it was so fleeting but so memorable. I know Mark was running around messing with everyone during this time (and that he did something similar to JB) but this was something special for Jackson. There was NO SPACE between them and their heads were so so so close. And then there were lots of giggles and smiling and DID YOU NOTICE THAT JACKSON HITCHED HIS LEG UP WHICH IN TURN BROUGHT MARK’S LEG HIGHER AND BY DEDUCTION, THEIR HIPS CLOSER?? bc I did. bc I know that. and it’s true. AND THEN AS MARK (the little tease) LEFT, JACKSON TRIED TO KEEP HIM THERE!! GRABBED AT HIS WAIST!! I just want to know what on earth was going through Mark’s head when he decided to go and lay flush against his group member. seriously tho. but 11/10 would recommend them recreating this, in the presence of a solid 1080p filming camera preferably.

PIC LINK: http://bangtancity.tumblr.com/post/144433607756/ss-baeksoo-you-can-see-that-jackson-brought-up

VIDEO LINK: http://awesomemeowww.tumblr.com/post/127118208761/jackson-doesn-t-want-mark-to-leave-so-he-was-about

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fortheloveofcringe · 5 years

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For the past six months I have just been on a ride where I extract the very best and worst of what I have, put it in a wall, examine what will propel me to a better future and make elaborate quick choices that taught me that life is more than just examining it. Although Socrates had said that a life unexamined is a life not worth living, I also found out that there is much freedom with a life that is just lived and not constantly questioned. I live my life wondering about the what’s and the if’s and I honestly have figured out a lot of things but none of the stays in my head for extended periods of time. All of my realities at the very moment they are happening are shaped by my exact reaction and opinions about it and dare I say my life has been a shit mess because I’ve always pictured it as a shit mess. When I came to that PRIDE activity where I posed as a living book and shared my life story, I made a conscious decision about how I approach my life from that point forward. I made sure that I will never be defined by the rejections that I will face and called my book “Turning Sorry’s to Thank You’s” kind of like a little nod to Ariana’s Thank You, Next.

When I backtrack, I’m always sorry about being myself when I shouldn’t be. I have always felt guilty even for the things that I shouldn’t even feel guilty about (I honestly feel like anyone can frame me for murder because I would sweat a lot just by being accused.) Anyhow, it’s just how I lived I have always been my own support system, with a sprinkle of Mom and brother’s love, but ultimately, I try my very best not rely on other people. But that’s not what I figured out this year. I figured out that there is more to life than just cracking the equation and believing yourself. Sometimes you have to make sure you talk slower, and listen harder. You have to look around, not questioning things, but making sure you absorb enough reality so that you wouldn’t make-up some scenarios in your head that you worry about for at least 5 hours later after 12 in the midnight.

Right now, I’m glad that I’m able enough again to write this journal here on tumblr because my last post, damn, I was ready for sweet death, which by the way I am and will always be, I think that’s my edge amongst my age group. I have accomplished enough to understand that reputations and lifeways have very distinct characteristics that affect my super conscious perception of my exact self, in a society orchestrated by government systems, traditions and religion that I have always complained about, which by the way, I should just ignore because, well, life is a heck more fun than focusing on the things I can’t actually control. There is much more power in accepting the range of your capabilities more than believing a delusion that will just upset you in the end, or have an upset stomach for in the end, as latest experience says.

This is about my body and my mental chemistry. I have always made sure that I am not body negative or body positive, I was just neutral, like I’m not cheering for what I have and degrading what I have, I was just, I just respected what I have always had. But my recent experience about an ex who was always conscious about his macho exterior had me thinking if I needed to be macho as well to be accepted in the society. I have a full understanding that money figures are mightier than physical figures and you don’t need a hot body to be hot, you just need a perfect bank account to be a trophy, but I just figured, why can’t I have both?

But then earlier this week I just had a run at some hospitals and it was disappointing for the first one but quite a relief for the second hospital that we went through. The first hospital had very problematic and almost scary people working on it. Here are a few things they’ve done during my stay in the emergency room:

1. Blasted Camila and Shawn’s Seniorita while people are dying in the E.R. talking about how concerned they are for Shawn’s social anxiety than US who are in their immediate contact.

2. They have an off-putting way of asking questions which will make you feel like you are lying about your condition even if you can literally see blood dripping on the floor from your body.

3. Talk bout death of other celebrities while PEOPLE ARE DYING IN FRONT OF THEM. HEY.

4. They keep asking me as to when my mother would arrive, which translated to me at that moment as “Can your mom pick you up, we don’t want to serve a lot of people here.”

5. HAD SNACKS AND ALL TYPE OF SHIT FOOD IN THE E.R.

6. One of the witchy Doctors was just so bitchy she had to remind my mom later in the evening in a very SARCASTIC WAY when we returned that I refused to be confined in their hospital so they can’t accept us ad we have to be reffered and that such is a long LONG process (which in translation is, we can’t serve you). WELL OF COURSE I REFUSED TO BE CONFINED BECAUSE I’M CRAZY AND I WANT TO DIE. She needs to know that I refused because I have observed them well enough specially with their very unwelcoming way of handling patients that I can’t put my self under their care.

7. Puncture my body twice for IV after making an error in my vein. Nothing too concerning.

8. The same witch Doctor said these things on the course of my stay: “I’m gonna die in this place” “People can’t demand quality service from us because we don’t get quality service ourselves. Even us doctors have to get in lines and shit.” “I feel sorry for Shawn Mendes for having social Anxiety.”

Now the second hospital I gotta make sure that when I become successful, I have to donate equipment in their facilities because they did me a solid. RTR hospital is the best. It was a choice of which hospital was nearest and both where nearby. So anyway, this hospital did me a solid. Here are a few things they’ve done:

1. Ran a helpful assessment to my condition with careful tones acknowledging the fact that there was something wrong with me as opposed to the other hospital which assumed stuff.

2. Reviewed my medical history CAREFULLY.

3. Assisted us in our laboratory tests (which was yes, recommended by the other hospital but damn they were just so ready to kick us out that I wasn’t feeling staying for laboratories in their facility for that long.)

4. Reviewed my prescribed medicines and filled out EXACT times and dates for intake WITHOUT RAISING EYEBROWS.

5. Allowed us to ask questions and responded without being sarcastic. Professional Vibes only.

6. Compared to the other hospital, they were able to NAME what was wrong with me which was actually Abdominal Discomfort. Damn I have been waiting for that. I just wanted to know what’s wrong with my body.

7. Compared to the other hospital, they were serving a lot of patients that night (the other one was just serving at lest three people and their doctors are already shouting I’d ie in here!” not to mention they have high tech equipment and a full nurse force) and they still remained calm and helpful.

8. They pretty much had an awesome Doctor and Nurse force that night, shoutout to the hand some nurse who I kept taking a peek at when I was looking like a bag of shit on the E.R. bed, I guess flirting doesn’t have a time.

9. I was fixed. I mean thank God I’m making this right now because of them

Ultimately what I want you to take from this is that everything is a reciprocation. If you’re a doctor or a nurse who cusses out, rejects people or whatever, your gonna get the same rejection from your patients. If you give out hate, you receive hate, if your give out lies, you receive lies, I think that should be a golden rule in everything that we do. If you harbour negative energy, that same energy will whip you right back because when we came to that first hospital I remember giving the doctor who spoke to my mom in a very pointed tone the death stare after she gave me a left eyebrow. Anyway.

Also, if you do good to other people good stuff will come back to you. now I do pledge that if I make my first million from my youtube account, I’m going to donate some equipment to RTR hospital for saving me. I went home that evening feeling like angels carried me home even if I was limping from a bad stomach.

What I’m trying to relay here also from that long intro about my body is that I fucked up my body by eating less these past few months. I thought the best hack to lose weight was not to gain weight at all. The trend is intermittent fasting and boy do I say the internet is still not the most credible source for everything.

When I broke up with my ex, I had a revenge plan of making my self look like one of the boys he was drooling endlessly for on instagram; macho muscular guys who sound like bats when they talk. Anyway, shade aside, I figured one common pattern from them. It was sourced from a deep form of social anxiety that they rip and shred their bodies from pimple insuding protein shakes and rigid muscle enhancing work-outs just so they would feel accepted, and I get it, there is nothing more hot than being objectified by a low life as what they say, but it just didn’t feel right to me that I would shave off the outside just so I could start shaving in the inside. But I still tried. No harm on that, well there is. When it’s done in the wrong way.

I got sent to a hospital for abdominal discomfort from a very weird diet. I eat, I don’t eat, then I do something which I will call, “tickle my throat” but not in a sexual way, more like a very bad idea of making sure I don’t gain weight by having a controlled mechanic of what stays in my body and what goes out. Some people call it bulimia, I call it being a master of my own universe.

SO I tried that, and again, it just didn’t seem right. The food I was wasting, or the food I was holding myself back from enjoying. The stupid videos I watch on Youtube about how to be a perfect human wasn’t striking a cord. One of my instructors and ex-classmates have notified my that my ex was looking shredded lately and boy I just wanted to punch them. I didn’t need that. I need no reminder of how I’m failing in the body department. I get it.

But looking from a Google Earth view, this is what I came to see.

I saw myself changing my way of interpreting new information. Everything is suddenly a mind exercise on how I would react to a certain info and acknowledging my behaviour about it. Now this is much more important to me more than just having a hot body. New information became new habits.

I can’t elaborate on how I do it, some of us have a distinct and unique way of mastering our soul lessons but right now, I’m just very happy with how I can look at myself in the mirror and say, I love and accept you exactly as you are.

There is no baggage of doubt or whatsoever. It’s like I finally ran out of excuses not to love myself and everything is just a growth opportunity. All I can say is wherever you are, I want to remind you that our lives are programmed in way for us to combat in peacefully. We have to have that internal battle so that we can manifest it in our outside world. Because people think it’s the other way around.

When really, the glow is from within.

#2019 in 6 months

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khavvah · 8 years

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Pokemon Sun/Moon Fic - Beasts And Beauties, Ch. 1

Link to source: Chapter 1

Hi there! I’m Khavvah (dietofwurms on AO3). I’m not sure if anyone is going to end up reading this from here, but it’s gotten some positive attention over at AO3, and it seems people are enjoying it, so I’ve decided to start posting chapters on Tumblr. I may end up writing extended author’s notes or something?? Or replying to questions?? No idea. We’ll see what happens, shall we?

THOSE NOT IN THE KNOW: This is an angst/drama fic, a plot divergence focusing on Guzma and decisions he makes in Ultra Space.

Chapter 1: Ferals

It was a bright and windy day, that early morning after Po Town fell.

Once news had gotten out, accompanied by the plethora of pictures, video, and frantic phone calls from citizens, all of which splashed across the news, it became clear to the Alolans that something must be done. The police force, which had been supported for years and seemed to have been able to handle the regular outbursts of Team Skull mischief, crumpled entirely within hours--one small cabal of thugs rolled into the Po Town station, and the chief and all his officers scattered like roaches, eventually retreating to more amenable grounds on the east coast of Ula'Ula island.

"Pathetic," Hala grumbled.

Olivia nodded in agreement, skimming over the headline. "They've gotten soft. But it's not just their fault, is it?"

Hala scratched his beard and examined her expression carefully, and though he didn't outwardly express his opinion, one could tell he knew what she meant. A thoughtful grumble came from his throat. "Well, here we are." He looked out over the room, catching the attention of the other captains. "Is everyone here? Who are we missing?"

The kahunas and assorted captains sat in a scattered arrangement of chairs, a sofa dragged in from another room, and one footstool (which Olivia planted herself on, in order to be closest to Hala). They had all gathered on short notice at Hala's home on Mele'Mele--Ilima, Lana, Mallow, Kiawe, Sophocles, Acerola. They knew Mina, the waifish artist, wouldn't be making the meeting--her head was still in the clouds somewhere in Poni Island valley. The figures nervously looked around, measuring one another, and finally Mallow spoke up. "Is Hapu coming? I thought she was standing in for Lopaku--"

"No," Acerola said. "I just talked to Hapu--her grandmommy's sick."

Hala frowned and made another deep, rumbling noise that implied deep thought. "That is unfortunate… And hardly a good omen." As he said this, another thought occurred to him; he searched about. "Where's Nanu?"

"Uncle Nanu's on his way," Acerola mewled. "I woke him up myself; he'll be here, promise!"

Knowing he'd be late caused a wave of unhappiness among them; Kiawe was brave enough to verbalize his impatience. "He'd better hurry up! He's the one with the most to answer for!"

Mallow, sitting close by, swatted at his shoulder. "It's not his fault!"

"Well, he's supposed to protect Ula'Ula, isn't he?"

"It's my job too," Acerola pointed out.

"...And mine," Sophocles mumbled, barely audibly.

"He had a sacred duty, is all that I mean. He should accept responsibility."

...And as if summoned by their argument, the door rattled loudly and opened to reveal Kahuna Nanu.

They stared. He looked like had just rolled out of bed, with his breakfast in hand: a mug of coffee and the nub of his morning cigarette. He returned their looks with a bleary gaze and a muffled, "'Morning, kids."

Acerola squealed, "Morning, Uncle Nanu!"

He winced at the high-pitched voice, planting a hand over one of his ears. "Girl, have some mercy, will ya? It's early, and it's the weekend… Criminy--"

"We're glad you could make it," Hala announced. He just barely disguised his irritation. "But please put that outside."

"Put what--" He looked into his hand, and remembered the burning cigarette. "Oh, gotcha. One sec, kids."

While Kahuna Nanu staggered out onto the doorstep to stamp it out, the rest of them sat silently, holding their breaths for the start of the troubling meeting. It was his island, after all, where this had all happened: they knew emotions would be running high. Nanu didn't show any sign of tension, however--he came back inside, slowly dragged a chair from the wall and into the circle, and collapsed into it with a heave. He spilled a bit of coffee on himself in the process, so he casually wiped his jacket down with his free hand, then realized everyone was gaping at him. He crossed his legs and grunted irritably.

"Well, Hala," Nanu droned, "seeing as you're in the big chair, how about you start us off?"

"How about you start by explaining how this all happened?" Kiawe demanded.

Everyone held their breath; Nanu slowly turned to him, his eyes burning with a powerful disdain, and growled, "Simmer down, kiddo. Wasn't talking to you anyway."

Kiawe frothed and sprang onto his feet. "'Kiddo'?"

"Hala!" Nanu snarled, "Get your house in order, or I will!"

"We could say the same to you!" Kiawe taunted, though by then Hala motioned for him to quiet himself, and Mallow had yanked him back into his seat, scolding him.

As the outbursts settled into silence again, Nanu gazed around himself, seeing their tense faces. He made a deduction and snickered dryly. "Well, isn't this fun. Guess I got picked as the scapegoat before I even got here."

"It was your officers who folded," Hala reminded him.

But Nanu gave him a withering glare. "I'm retired, Hala, and you know it. Those fresh-faced babies they put in that station were doomed with or without me. 'Sides, if you're gonna point fingers, start with yourself."

"I beg your pardon?"

"That boy… Who's taken over Team Skull. One of yours, wasn't he?" With that comment, he grinned cruelly. "What a shining example of your tutelage, eh?"

Just when Hala was about to leap to his own defense, their squabble was interrupted.

"Stop!" Olivia jumped to her feet, barking her admonishment at the two of them. "Is this what you came to do? Take potshots at each other like a couple of children?"

"Hrrngh." Nanu scratched the back of his neck and turned away. Hala, too, quieted.

"There's probably plenty of blame to go around," she continued. "But this meeting is for discussing a plan of action." Seeing she had everyone's silent attention, she decided to make the first proposal. "The most obvious thing to do, of course, is fight back."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Nanu lean back and roll his eyes. She chose to ignore it.

"Suffice to say, if we kahunas and captains combine our pokemon, we should be able to drive them out of the town and return things to normal. I know the Alolas haven't seen an operation like this in a long time--but these are mostly kids, and their advantage is in numbers, not strength."

Kiawe crowed. "I agree! If they think they're so tough--let's show them what we're made of!"

"But that sounds… A lot like a war," Mallow said.

Her discomfort was evidently shared with Lana, who asked, "Can't Tapu Bulu do something? Isn't he the island's guardian?"

Suddenly, Nanu guffawed with a loud, hoarse laugh. "The two ladies are on the money." He turned to sneer in Mallow and Lana's direction. "It sounds like a war, huh? Sweetie, that would be 'cause they're starting one. As for the Tapu--trade secret, so listen close--they don't give a rattata's tail about human affairs."

Ilima, not one to allow unchecked cynicism, cut in. "Have you actually tried contacting Tapu Bulu?"

"No, matter of fact, I haven't," Nanu said. "Bulu likes to be left to himself. I can sympathize."

Olivia decided to speak again. "Nanu, I'm sensing you don't like this plan."

He cocked an eyebrow at her. "You think so? Heh."

"Please, Nanu," Ilima said, "give us your thoughts."

"All right, all right. You wanna know what I think? It think it's a crappy idea. Let's imagine this, now. You all get together, gather your forces an' all, and invade. You go an start a war with these kids. You'd probably win, but then what? Where are these kids gonna go? Run 'em out of one town, and they'll move onto the next--they trash the new place, we chase 'em down, run 'em out again--and they keep goin'. Soon we've got a mess of ruined towns all over the islands. Unless we arrest the whole lot--or hey, it'll be war, so what's a couple casualties?"

If the discomfort was mild before, it was excruciating now. The young captains fidgeted in their seats, and the other kahunas cast their eyes on the floor and the walls.

"You're right about one thing. They're just kids. Rambunctious and obnoxious, yeah, and they've done their share of property damage, but you overblow this, and it'll be blood on your hands."

Olivia didn't like the direction this had gone--she crossed her arms. "Then what should we do?"

"How about stay out of it ? It's my island. My responsibility. I don't want any of you goodnicks sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."

"You mind telling us what you plan to do, then?" Hala asked.

They expected Nanu to blow off this request, but to their surprise, he sighed with cool introspection, sucked a deep sip from his by-now cold coffee, and started to explain. "We've got lots of feral Meowth on our island. I've got lots of free time, you know, being a retired cop--so I've learned a lot, about how to deal with 'em. Here's the thing. They could be the nastiest, spitting creatures you ever seen. Won't let you touch 'em, or hardly look at 'em. But if you take 'em, and bring 'em inside, and make 'em live with you--sure, they scrap with each other, they tear up your furniture, make messes on the floor--but after a while, they get used to you. A couple months of that, and even the most vicious ones curl up in your lap."

"...And what does that mean?"

"Contain them. Let them have Po Town. I'll move in, somehow. Chaperone, do what I can. Shoot, maybe I can work with 'em."

Olivia scoffed. "You want to babysit a bunch of thugs?"

"That's more or less my plan, yeah. Ain't like I got much else to do with my time." He slurped at his coffee again, giving the others time to process his idea. "Welp, that's all I have to say, really." He promptly got up, pushed his chair back, and started for the door.

"Where are you going?" Hala demanded. "We haven't voted on our final decision!"

"Go ahead and vote. I'm not changing my mind. Just know, if you invade my island without my permission? You'll come to regret it."

"Is that a threat?"

Nanu just shrugged and scratched the inside of his ear. "A good faith warning. See ya 'round, kids. For better or for worse."

In the end, Nanu didn't wait to hear their decision. It was that afternoon that he trudged his way up the long path toward Po Town, cutting past the meadow and lifting his coat collar against the cold wind. The way the mountain leaned against this valley pushed stormclouds there almost perpetually, causing torrents of rain to dump over the grassy plain. The ground had an uncomfortable, swampy feel that squished with mud as he trekked it, but thankfully, soon enough, he saw the police station brightly lit in the dark.

Though he could hear music thumping away from inside, he paused a while to take the picture in. A police cruiser, its windshield and windows all bashed in, sat dejected nearby. Neon paint smeared the exterior of the building in gaudy symbols and slang, and some of the interior furniture, probably pushed through a broken window, soaked up the rain. What a mess . After a minute or so passed, one grunt opened the front door, and the sound of loud laughter, rap music, and broken glass all rolled out into the night. The grunt said something to the others--but Nanu couldn't understand it, not from this far away.

In the brief moments before he walked up to the grunt and talked to them, he thought on those children--and pictured them, as he remembered them, running stupidly about with their shiny baubles and dreams. These children all wanted to be someone, once, hadn't they? The cream of the crop had since floated to the top of the hierarchy, becoming captains and champions, but what of these? These lumps in the flour, this chaff from the wheat--dreamers with no dreams left, who had every ambition swallowed by mediocrity and the chokehold of tradition…

I get it, he mused. The world's spit on them, and they're spitting back.

Those thoughts made him hate being a kahuna all over again.

"Hey!" The grunt called out at him. "Hey, you! Who's there?"

So then, it was too late to surprise them. Nanu pushed his way forward, doing his best to stay in the light.

"A cop?" The grunt took notice of his outfit immediately and yelled into the station. "Yo, a cop's here, fam!"

"What?"

"Where!"

"Get 'im!"

Hilariously, they practically fell over each other to crowd through the doorway and give him nasty, unwelcoming looks. A girl in blue pig-tails approached him first, puffing out her chest to look tougher than her small stature implied. He didn't realize it until she got close, but she waved a small knife around to back her posturing. "Back off, copper! Didn't we chase yo' butts outta here?"

He didn't flinch or move back. "Not me, blue. Doesn't matter, though. Not here to fight you. Need to have a chat with your boss."

"Big G? Yeah, right, old man. You ain't gonna talkin' to nobody, not after I'm done with you." The knife in her hand swayed, swayed back and forth, like a serpent waiting to strike.

He heaved an exaggerated sigh. "Blue. I've had a long day. Don't wanna have to man-handle a little thing like you. Now put the knife down, and--"

The blade interrupted him with a silvery, whispering sound as it swiped toward his chest. He easily dodged--she was bold, but unskilled--and when she clumsily toppled over herself, he swooped in, grabbed her wrist, and let her fall the rest of the way to ground.

He had her arm straight up in the air, and twisted it painfully against his knee. She started screaming in pain.

"Hey!"

"Let her go!"

He felt an empty soda can launch against his head; he ignored it and prayed they wouldn't throw anything more damaging. "I can break your arm like this, blue. A little pull this way--" He demonstrated; she shrieked again. "Drop the knife."

"Stop!"

"Leave her alone, copper!"

They closed in around him like hyenas, but didn't dare physically intervene. The girl was moaning, writhing, and begging in the mud. The rain drenched them both for some long seconds until finally, her grip loosened, and the knife dropped.

He stepped on it and let go of her. A swirl of curses, threats, and taunts started around him, but even as she got up and limped back to the group, none of them followed through. Mobbing Murkrow. All noise .

"I said it before, and seeing as you all have only a couple brain cells between you, I'll say it again: I don't want to fight. I want to see your boss. Now."

It's hard, Nanu decided, to sum up a relationship with a town. They at first distrusted him, granting him cheap rent for use of the police station only because they needed the easy cash flow. They called him "cop" and "old man" and "geezer." But from then on, the picture gets fuzzy: within months, his name became a polite "Mr. Nanu," or "Officer Nanu," and within even more time, the grunts favored the warmth of "Uncle," as in, "'Morning, Uncle Nanu!" and "Hey Uncle, how are the Meowth today?" (because old habits die hard, and the empty space in the station could do nothing else but fill up with ferals).

He couldn't decide if all meant something. He didn't know what difference he had made in that year. Sometimes it felt like he could save them, bond with them--bring over some malasadas, swap stories, sit patiently through their ungodly freestyle sessions. Plumeria proved more amenable than the boy, but even Guzma, especially after a drink or two, came to crave his paternal doting. (And after too many drinks, Guzma would let it slip, slurring and whiny, "Da-a-ad, I know--").

But other days, it all fell right back to the spitting, hitting, and biting--thrown beer bottles and threats to cut him open like a fish. He comes home, it's covered in graffiti, and he just doesn't know.

Still, it wasn't the worst life he had chosen for himself. The rent was cheap. No day was boring. And he didn't need to have a roommate, which meant every night, he was greeted the same way--the mewls and purrs of his loyal clan. Meowth, at least--he mused as he scratched their ears and murmured sweet-talk--don't care who you are, or whether you've failed, or whether you're very interesting.

He could live like this forever.

#pokemon sumo #guzma #nanu #kahuna nanu #pokemon #fanfic #fanfiction #lusamine #team skull #plumeria #fan fiction #pokemon sun and moon

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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