#April Answers

[traumasurvivors]

You get some really bad asks and I feel so bad for you because you seem so nice

That’s kind of you, anon. Try not to feel so bad though because I get so many more wonderful and kind asks (like yours!) and those are the ones I think about and read back over and over again. These are the ones that sit with me.

[borderlinereminders]

You say things got so much better for you but then post about going in and out of depressive episodes and just that’s not very hopeful and I’m wondering what the point is in trying 😭

Hi anon,

I understand your anxiety. And those feelings of “what’s the point”. And I’m so sorry you’re struggling with them.

I’m currently being looked at for bipolar disorder. The depressive episodes are a separate issue from a lot of the things I talk about.

My depressive episodes, while hard, are more manageable for me because of the coping skills. Before I began learning to work on my urges, I ended up in the psych ward a couple times a year.

And because my relationships are healthier now, I have access to support and people I can lean on when I need to.

I also see a “light”. I’ve learned that just because it feels like this darkness is forever (thank you emotional permanence issues), doesn’t mean it is. Which makes it feel less hopeless. The knowledge that the darkness will pass makes it more doable. Before, I’d give into urges because it felt like it was forever. I’d try and end my life to escape. Now I realize that I don’t need to do that to escape. I just have to ride it out.

Things being better for me don’t mean they’re perfect. But I’m happier. There’s things in my life I enjoy. People I love. And my quality of life has definitely improved. 🩷

I promise that things can improve for you. And they won’t be perfect. But you can still find ways to cope, and things to smile about, people to love and things to experience.

[aprilsadviceaskblog]

tw csa/sa

how to stop feeling the hands?

a daycare para was so fucking weird and my siblings just didn't notice. it's too damn hard to say what happened, and it happened years ago so what are they supposed to do?

not telling them isn't my problem tho, it's the hands. the feeling of people grabbing and touching. how do you get rid of that?

love your blog, thank you 💚

Hi anon!

This was a recurring thing for me. It was one of the worst.

This is a type of body flashback, and one of the ways I coped with this in the moment was how a lot of people do with flashbacks and that’s with grounding.

Here are also steps for managing a flashback.

For awhile, all I could do was cope with the feelings in the moment with things like grounding. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop completely until I got further into my healing. And that is a really complicated thing that is different for everyone. For me, this was about accepting my trauma and that it happened. I journaled a lot and talked to loved ones. For you, it could be something entirely different. But the grounding and stuff helped me a lot to cope as stuff was happening and made it less distressing.

I do want to say that you are never obligated to tell anyone anything. But the reason people talk about it isn’t always to have something done about it but is often to feel heard and validated. It’s valid it’s too hard and doing so before you’re ready can just make it worse. But it’s valid to talk about it even if nothing can be done about it.

You aren’t alone, anon and you are so valid.

[youdeserveanaward]

I don’t think it’s fair that visually impaired people don’t have access to your posts because you find it too draining to write the descriptions. I don’t understand how writing the descriptions is draining

I’m going to use this ask as an opportunity to say that it’s unfortunate, but sometimes needs conflict. One possible way we deal with this is by compromising. For me, that’s me writing out the text so that’s at least accessible. Sometimes compromises aren’t possible or acceptable to people. And that’s okay. Sometimes there is an incompatibility issue. No one is “more important”. And I don’t think my needs are more important than theirs. But my needs are my needs, and looking out for my own needs is the only way I can get through life. I’ll prioritize other people’s needs when I’m able to.

I find them draining because I really, really struggle with using words to describe things I’m seeing. It takes a lot of energy and effort. I’m not sure why, but it’s like there’s a “glitch” in my brain with communicating images to words. It gives me an actual headache trying to do it sometimes.

It’s why you’ll sometimes see me post the text from an image. That’s not so hard to do.

Also though, different people find different things draining. Something that wouldn’t phase you could severely impact someone else.

[lonelychicago]

"if you love me, you don't love me in a way i understand" pretty please?<3

my hand slipped and this ended up being a little longer than i hoped.

buck/eddie | 1k words | getting together

Buck is not dumb. He's not stupid. He's not oblivious.

Against popular belief, Buck knows that what Eddie and he have is not just friendship— he knows the way Eddie looks at him is not platonic.

He knows what Eddie's feelings are.

Buck knows they both have been dancing around this for a long time, too scared to make the first move, take the first step.

And he thinks he knows why Eddie hasn't done or said anything yet— he thinks he might, at least.

And Buck, well, he knows why himself hasn't done anything.

He doesn't understand what Eddie sees in him. He doesn't understand the way Eddie loves him.

Buck thinks relationships and love are meant to be fast paced; a wildfire that grows and burns until there's nothing but ashes. That’s what he’s had all his life. The rush. The adrenaline. The fire that burns him from inside out and consumes him until he can't breathe. The fast paced emotions and desires that burn hot and then burn out like what he does everyday at work. Something that’s meant to be short-lived with a flash of ecstasy. Something that gives him a thrill but then leaves him alone, feeling empty and hollow and used.

Buck is not used to the kind of love Eddie seems to give him sl freely, so naturally— as if Buck deserved it.

He doesn't.

Buck is hard to love— he's too loud sometimes, he can't shut the fuck up. He's selfish and annoying and—

People leave.

People always leave him.

So Buck is not used to that soft, tender kind of love that Eddie offers without even thinking about it. He's not used to being trusted so fully with the most precious of things (like Eddie's heart), he's not used to knowing looks and fond smiles that are reserved only for him. He's not used to the domesticity of hanging in the kitchen, cooking a meal for his family and laughing at stupid inside jokes while Chris does his homework and roasts them at the same time.

He's not used to late night talks with beers in their hands and longing in their eyes.

Buck doesn't think he'll ever fully get used to any of that— to something so precious and amazing.

He can barely believe he gets to have it on the best of days.

So asking for more? Reaching out and taking more?

That's just unimaginable.

But then it's one of those nights.

Christopher is asleep and they're in the kitchen. Buck has a cold beer in his hand, the droplets of condensation sliding down the bottle and into the back of his hand.

And Eddie is looking at him, just a few steps away and leaning against the kitchen counter. The light above them casts a golden orange glow that softens his features and Buck thinks he could look at him forever and never get tired.

He thinks Eddie is the most beautiful sight his eyes have ever seen (and he's seen a lot, alright. He's been through Peru and Argentina and Brazil, Chicago and San Francisco. He's been to Montana and he even briefly made a stop in Colorado. Yet— None of the most beautiful of spots in those places could ever compare to Eddie. To what Eddie makes him feel.)

Eddie is looking at him and Buck's heart clenches in his chest, because he knows he doesn't deserve that look.

He's hard to love on the best of days, a mess and someone not enough to stay for on the worst.

Somehow, Eddie doesn't seem to care about that. He loves Buck anyway.

And Buck doesn't, can't, won't—

He doesn't want Eddie to get caught up in the fire that is his life. He doesn't want Eddie to burn until he's nothing but ashes in Buck's hands.

But Eddie keeps looking at him and then he's stepping closer and closer until Buck can see every freckle in his nose and that beauty mark under his eye. He can see the honey gold sprinkles on Eddie's eyes, surrounded by the warmest of browns.

And he can see when those eyes flutter down to Buck's lips, his gaze feeling heavy and intense on them.

“It's getting late. I should—” Buck starts, trailing off when Eddie takes Buck's beer and leaves him on the counter before stepping closer until he's pinning Buck against the counter.

It digs uncomfortably against his lower back and his eyes go wide.

“Eddie,” Buck says, his breath catching on the word.

"Tell me I'm not reading this wrong, Buck." Eddie pleads. "Tell me— Tell me I'm not the only one feeling this." He whispers and his voice is low, quiet, but so full of hope and love and patience.

Buck doesn't deserve that.

"I'm— I don't—" He stutters and he can't help it when his eyes dart down to where Eddie is licking his lips.

So tempting. So inviting.

"Eddie, I'm scared."

Eddie's eyes are wide and open, vulnerable, as he searches for something in Buck's face. It reminds him of the look he gave him after the tsunami, or when he reveleaved that Buck was part of the will.

This time, he must find what he's looking for because he doesn't say anything else. Eddie just leans in, slowly, slow enough that Buck can still stop him if he wants to.

And he should, before they both get burned. Before Buck ruins them.

He doesn't.

From the first touch, it’s like kissing Buck is what Eddie was put on this planet to do. It's soft and exploring, it makes this fuzzy sirupy feeling pool inside his stomach.

And it's— warm, tender. A slow kind of fire spreading through his veins. Not burning or turning everything to ashes, but igniting a spark that Buck thought long gone.

Buck still doesn't get it. But he thinks he might not need to.

He has time to figure it out anyway.

He thinks he might have forever, by the way Eddie's kissing him so delicately but yet hungry like he wants to devour him.

Buck is alright with that.

[disabilityreminders]

what are your thoughts on DBT therapy?

I actually talk a lot on BPD therapy on my mental health blog @borderlinereminders. I share a lot of info about skills and stuff like that.

I think DBT can be extremely helpful for people, and not just people with BPD.

A lot of DBT skills won’t work for some but there are a lot to try!

A common complaint I get on my other blog is that it’s about “repressing” your emotions, and that’s not true. A lot of skills are about facing them in a healthier ways and the ones that are about distracting from your emotions are meant as temporary skills to get you through crisis to deal with the emotions later. (Like if you are at work and not in a place to deal with them at that moment.)

[angelbambifemme]

gnawing on your new theme (positive)

omg thank u

I decided I wanted to switch things up to meet a more red, vintage 1940s style. I've been adoring the style of this era recently 🙏

[aprilthebiqueen]

Do you put the milk or the cereal in first

Wait.

There are people who put the milk in first? I’ve never heard that. That makes no sense to me.

I guess that answers the question 😂

[kentocalls]

🛶💙🩵💚🩵💙 it's a love canoe! send this to all the blogs you love! don’t forget to spread the 🩷💙🩷

i have been canoed again!!!! thank you lovely bacon ♡ sending this right back to you asap

[askuprisingrottmnt]

Can I say hi to April? HI APRIL! I LIKE YOUR GLASSES!

Heyyyyyy! :D Thank you! Casey stole em from a rich kid lmao

Mikey's off dealin with Leo's crazy ass, btw. Man is really havin a mood about these syrups he just got? somethin somethin Usagi--who the heck is usagi actually i dont think ive actually met em?

~April

[serensama]

Do you have an Ao3?

Hi there darling!

Thanks for asking and I do have one, under serensama, but it’s only go the To Help series up there. I’ve been so unbelievably slack and never uploaded the rest of my work up there- it’s probably easier to just read them off my masterlist if you felt so inclined.

However with that being said, my second study is being set up so in the next month I will start writing again (but not for mysme- at least no plans to in the immediate future) and hopefully that account will be more active in the future ❤️

[traumasurvivors]

i cut someone out today.

i am scared that i've done the wrong thing but i know that our relationship was unhealthy. i know that we were holding each other back from healing by clinging to the relationship, so it was for the best, really.

it didn't make it any easier. i will miss them, but i hope i can grow from this, and heal further. i mostly just feel serene. this incredible calmness, like i've turned over a blank slate in my life. it's true i guess- i knew the person for years.

i don't know why i am sharing this. i just felt the need to tell someone, i guess. maybe somebody reading this is experiencing the same thing. i dont know

Hi anon,

I just want to say I’m so proud of you for taking that step. It can be so unbelievably hard to cut out people, and even harder when they are someone we care about.

It seems like you’ve done the right thing. Even if something is the right thing though, it’s okay to grieve that loss and feel that loss.

Hang in there, anon and take care of yourself. 🩷 You’ve got this.

[borderlinereminders]

What do you think of the saying that people show you who they truly are in life threatening situations? Like when they panic?

Not a fan of the saying honestly! I assume you’re talking about whether someone risks their lives for someone else, or stuff like that?

Panic in a life threatening situation shuts down parts of your brain! I think we all want to believe we’d do the “right” thing in any given situation but instincts are a really powerful thing and no one truly knows how they’d react unless they’re in the situation.

I pay attention to other things to see who people truly are. Things like how they treat customer service workers.

Some specific examples for my current relationship… I paid attention to:

How he reacted when I had a genuine accident like spilling something.

How he reacted when I told him something he had said/done upset me.

How he handled an argument with me. (I don’t expect someone to be perfect, but I was looking for whether he resorted to insults and cheap shots that were meant to hurt me.)

How he interacted with my dog and other animals.

How he talked about other people when they weren’t around.

How he reacted when I told him “no” or that I didn’t want to do something.

[aprilsadviceaskblog]

Hi April. I wanted to say thank you for running this blog. It means so much to me and I'm sure many others that there's a safe space to speak up about our own traumas but also see the validation given to others!

Cw csa, cw cocsa

I'm a victim of cocsa and anytime I look up resources, I always see the resources recommend that the perpetrator also deserves help. If I had read this when I was younger I would have been angry, but as an adult, I understand what the resources mean--the perpetrator is acting in a way that is inappropriate and harmful and needs adult guidance and support with learning how not to behave in this way. My abuser was heavily bullied and didn't receive the support they needed so they took it out on me

But the little kid in me is still furious about what happened. I still see them so often and I see how the anxieties and trauma they experienced affects them today but they're still in a much better place than I am, both financially and socially. The trauma they've caused me has been so debilitating, it's affected every part of my life including my ability to get to a place of financial stability since I'm spending all my energy to make it from day to day. I keep fluctuating between being angry and having empathy for my abuser, and the conflicting emotions means I'm going from one extreme to the other, which is also very distracting and mentally draining

I think I'm just looking for a place to talk about this safely and get the reassurance younger me wants. And if you have any advice, I'd appreciate that too but it's totally okay if not!

Thanks again 💌

Hi anon,

You are absolutely valid in these feelings. It is absolutely okay to be angry at someone who hurt you even if you understand and can empathize with their circumstances. The reasoning behind it doesn't change the fact that they hurt you.

It's okay to feel these emotions. It's okay to feel confused over them. I think maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be empathetic. And you don't need to. I'm not saying to go mean to the person, but to give yourself the space to feel these feelings. It's okay to be angry. Don't get caught up in that the "right" thing to do is to show empathy and that it isn't fair to be mad at them. Your feelings are your feelings, and that's okay.

Them needing help and support at that age doesn't change the fact that you didn't deserve what happened and you deserved so much better.

I wrote an article on anger here, and I want to share this part of it with you.

"Anger is a valid and understandable emotion when it comes to healing from trauma, even if your trauma does not have a specific person to blame (natural disasters and death of a loved one are examples). If the person who hurt you did not mean to or did not know better (like another child), anger is still a valid emotion. You’ve been hurt and you should not have been and it is reasonable to feel angry at this."

I don't have a lot of advice, but the first place I think is worth starting is in making sure you aren't invalidating these emotions of yours and letting yourself have the space to feel them. They're valid and understandable.

[youdeserveanaward]

sometimes you make awards but the things you use on the award make no sense on what the award is about? i want to reblog them but it kinda throws me and then i don't

Usually, you're seeing that because it's been specifically requested by someone. People put in requests for the designs a lot of the time, and I stopped posting all the asks putting in requests but they very much still exist. I tag all request posts with "request".

If you ever want to see an award with a different design (including ones that you feel "make sense"), you can submit your own request and I'd be happy to switch it up! Even if you just want to send me an award I already did and ask for a switch up to the design, I can do that.

[lonelychicago]

do you have any interesting 911 headcanons?

i'm just gonna write some of my favorite hcs and you decide if they're interesting jajsjhdk <33

(they're not all buddie hcs @ice-sculptures but some of these are 👀 )

buck and maddie have a small tattoo on their pinky promise finger and it's a d in each other's handwriting to have daniel always be with them.

when buck gets reallyyy drunk, he gets this awful and hilarious british accent that everyone finds ridiculous. (except eddie, eddie finds it incredibly hot but only bc he's pathetically in love with buck and it's embarrassing honestly)

hen, chimney, buck and eddie have a movie night all together once a month. buck and eddie usually fall asleep and hen and chim take pics of them, tease them and every now and then play a prank on two.

buck is actually friends with eddie's sisters. it started at his firefighter ceremony where they met and then they made a group chat with him to keep in touch. sometimes eddie struggles with texting and keeping his sisters updated so buck always sends pics of eddie cooking or at the firehouse or with chris at the beach or on their weekly movie nights. sophia and adriana also tease him endlessly about eddie (bc they know how their brother really feels for buck) but buck just takes it as a joke.

eddie and hen are the most nosy ppl in the station. they're always gossiping while stocking the ambulance and they know everything and anything about everyone.

buck goes to pts meetings when eddie can't make it and half the moms thinks they're married, the other half think they're divorced and a small amount want to jump his bones either way.

eddie steals buck's clothes. it started probably after the well incident— buck lent him his hoodie on the way home bc eddie could not stop shaking and he wanted to keep him warm. and then... eddie just forgot to give it back (on purpose but shhh) and every chance he gets he takes one of buck's tshirts or hoodies. they're just softer than his and they smell nice and no one has to know, okay?

these are just some but i can probably think of more kshsjsjs

sleepover weekend! 💌