#At least at some point during their 'professional relationship' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starstruckmoony · 1 year

Text

enchanted.

masterlist

pairing - theodore nott x reader

summary - a cute guy stumbles into the coffee shop you work at and it alters your brain chemistry.

trope/tags - coffee shop!au, modern!au, college!au, muggle!au, out of pocket headcanons

word count - 6.5k

warnings - language, smoking, mentions of sex, light smut-ish (not really)

"get a job at a coffee shop", they said.

"i'll be fun", they said.

bollocks.

working at a café as busy as the three broomsticks certainly had its perks, if you could say so yourself, but it definitely had some godawful cons in the bunch and was terribly annoying in itself. the shop was located in one of the most bustling parts of london, not very far away from a university campus, which meant that one could easily make out the atmosphere inside of it without having to step through the door. it was always filled to the brim with students who all relied on caffeine for survival, many of which you would usually avoid even glancing at during lessons. so between your utterly unendurable acquaintances, occasional out-of-control children, and middle-aged ladies who criticized your every move and complained about their lattes being zero point four degrees too hot, you weren't sure which one irked you more.

your job was barely tolerable, but it wasn't like you had many other options laid out in the first place. you needed the money and you swore to do whatever it takes to pay for your tuition and heaps of other costs that came in the package with it. you went into it with very little enthusiasm, but nevertheless settled for working as a barista, as much as you were dreading the thought of it.

your shift started of normally that day. you were busy serving one of your least favorite friendly customers in world, draco bloody malfoy, and fighting a tempting urge to dunk the drink in your hand all over him. the two of you went way back, there was lots of resentment, some unresolved negative feelings and grudges about situations you could barely remember clearly. primary school, the darkest years of your lives. neither of you bothered much to fix your shitshow of a relationship. you were schoolmates who were sort of friends who didn't like each other very much. he was nice to you when he didn't have a stick up his arse, but he always had stick up his arse. pansy (who was also your coworker) declared you frenemies, and she was sort of onto something.

despite all that dirt, finding him in the shop wasn't an unusual occurrence, and you never got used to his annoying presence or the way your skin literally crawled just seeing him walk through the door. although, you had to admit that you were pretty grateful when he brought his hot beautiful handsome please snog me sir friend with him for some coffee that sunny friday.

"good morning." draco greeted his friend absentmindedly and gave him a short-lived glance before continuing the deadly staredown you two were having. keeping things professional with that little arsehole was a tough challenge. pansy nudged you behind the counter, and then very subtly motioned over to the handsome bloke next your nemesis when you finally gave her some attention.

"did you not order for me?" the guy questioned in disappointment, seeing that only a single cup of coffee was sitting on the counter. one good look at him was all it took for you to realise why pansy was so eager to get you to heed her observations. you sucked in a breath, focus.

"no? do i look like a maid to you?" draco spat, taking a loud, annoying slurp of his freshly-made cappuccino. he scowled in disgust, making your eyes roll backwards into your brain. the man always managed to find something wrong with his order. this time, the stupid drink of his didn't have enough sweetener. his friend coughed to cover up a chuckle.

"i will be filing a complaint." he declared, sitting back and crossing his arms.

"shove it up your arse, hm?" you offered him the fakest, most poisonous smile you could muster, turning to his attractive friend who's order you had to take. he gave draco a rather aggressive shove before he was able to open his mouth again, and then smiled at you sympathetically.

"i admire your patience." he was speaking to you, but even the most oblivious of people would realise that he took a subtle jab at draco. he looked a bit offended, "what the fuck, theo?" just like that, you got his name without even having to ask for it. today must have been your lucky day.

"tell me about it. if throwing drinks into people's faces wasn't listed as strictly forbidden in my job description, i'd be thriving." you responded without thinking, regretting it the moment you spoke. you could only hope that he would take your awful joke well because receiving a judgemental stare and no response at all was the last thing you'd have asked for that morning. but your thoughtlessness did pull something that sounded like a laugh out of theo, and he appeared to be pretty satisfied.

you suddenly felt hot. a handsome guy just laughed at your joke made at his best friend's expense? it made your heart flutter a little bit, kind of like everything else about him. you sighed inwardly, it was totally unfair that somebody as insufferable as draco got his eyes blessed by that man's presence every day.

"am i allowed to order or will you threaten to throw coffee in my face, too?" theo snapped you back to reality. you heard pansy snicker at your awkward stance before she continued talking to draco who got bored of tolerating your abuses and resorted to flirting with her instead. the pretty boy bit back a laugh once he noticed the way your cheeks turned pink. you wished for the earth to swallow you whole.

"yes, of course! sorry, uh, what would you like?" you put on a professional smile, yet you felt like he saw right through you. he was doing things to you by just simply being there. you already knew pansy was going to have a jolly good time teasing you about this.

"uh," his eyes trailed over to the menu on the wall. he looked completely and utterly clueless, but after a moment of silence, he made up his mind, "one black coffee..." he responded a bit uncertainly, as if he was afraid that you were gonna judge his choice of beverage.

"see why i don't order for you?" draco threw a crumpled up receipt into theo's face. you wondered how he managed to be so unphased by it.

"one black coffee?" you queried just to confirm his order, pretending not to notice pansy who's mischievous eyes were set on you. that, and the constant comments she was making about how cute you and theo would look together. you were surprised when draco didn't disagree like the snobby little hipster he was and then call her batshit crazy. maybe magic was real.

"yes." theo cleared his throat, slumping down onto a barstool three seats away from draco. next level damage control. when he found a smoking allowed sign on the wall, he immediately lit a cigarette.

"oh, thank god." you mumbled in relief. theo stared you in amusement, with a tiny smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. if you hadn't met in the middle of a crowded café, you would have kissed him then there. these days, people tend to forget that plain coffee is, in fact, a thing. that in itself isn't so bad, no, but it's pretty horrible for a coffee shop worker who has to balance time spent on making a drink while also satisfying everybody else at the tables. maintaining your sanity was another thing you had to dedicate yourself to, especially with having draco coming in every day.

you quickly got to work, hyperfocusing on the task at hand for the first time in a while - all that in a poor attempt to ignore the way that blush kept creeping up your cheeks. that wasn't the first time you had laid your eyes on a handsome guy at work. many good looking blokes had set their foot into the café, but you rarely ever let it get to you. they would come and go, simple as that. but there was something about the way theo was looking at you that made you feel unbearably giddy, and you were having a hard time keeping your thoughts from going places.

you were too busy preparing his coffee and trying to remain calm to see the way he shyly kept stealing glances at you. he was enthralled, to say the least, and he could not fathom the fact that you were that person draco always complained about. it was impossible. not only did you make him laugh literally ten seconds after he spoke to you for the first time, but your strange relationship with his friend was quite intriguing. and pretty hilarious, if he could say so himself. something was pushing him to find out more about you. he could not keep his eyes off of you, and he was deeply regretting all those times he shut draco down when he suggested they got coffee together. he'd even offer to pay each time, which theo only found more off-putting. the concept of being so nice and inviting was usually unfamiliar to the blonde, but theo eventually guessed that he had his own reasons and motivations for showing up everyday.

you whipped up his coffee in no time, shooting pansy with a death glare because of the way she wiggled her eyebrows at you. you placed the cup in front of him and were thankfully spared of any additional awkwardness when theo grabbed the drink and took a sip. you watched him with burning anticipation in your eyes as he blinked in confusion, "what the fuck are you complaining for?" he turned to a scowling draco who was making sure that everybody knew that he was rather discontented by the way his cappucino was made.

"i have tastebuds." he explained, shooting theo with an aggravated glare. pansy covered her mouth to silence a laugh.

"are they dead?" theo deadpanned.

"are they dead?" draco mocked, and then began sulking like a little child when pansy had to take the order of another customer.

theo turned to you again, "ignore him," he offered you a comforting smile, "this is the best coffee i've had in a while." he took another large sip of the hot drink. a satisfied smirk appeared on your face. draco flipped you both off.

"it's probably the beans," you trailed off, "although, brewing it does require some talent." it was true. pansy herself admitted that you made better coffee than her, multiple times, but that was probably because she proudly half-assed all of her work knowing that it won't cost her much. it helped you out tremendously when you had nothing else to brag about.

thoughtlessly, you continued speaking to theo, completely forgetting that your shift had not yet come to an end, and that you had well over two hours of work left. theo possessed the power to snap you back to reality, but was even more skillfull at pulling you out of it. your mind fully dismissed where you were. you learned a few things about him; he lived with draco, enzo and mattheo, who you got to meet after blaise and pansy dragged you to a random nightclub not so long ago. he had a persian cat who he named 'cat' because he wasn't creative enough to come up with anything that hit the spot and lorenzo made a pledge to make fun of him for it till the day they both die. he liked black coffee only, and no it was not a metaphore for the colour of his soul or some out of pocket bullshit that you heard way too often for comfort, he was just that basic. insane too, as he didn't put any sugar in it. you missed the basic, though, and it was a nice breather from all the ridiculousness you had to deal with on a day to day basis. he also happened to have seen your favourite movie, and that opened the door to about ten other conversation topics that you could go on about for hours upon hours. you were so immersed in the discussion that neither of you realised draco left, with pansy's number (which he finally acquired after three months of asking for it) written down somewhere in his notebook.

the sound of a stranger's throat clearing stopped you mid sentence, and you were rudely reminded that you were still at work, with lots of drinks to prepare, and many more customers to serve. curse them, whoever they were. they were practically forcing you to get theo's contact information, which would have been totally fine if it wasn't for the thought of rejection that was tearing your insides up into pieces.

you and theo offered some empty words of apology to the older man who pulled you out of your own little world and returned you to the misery that was present day. you sighed, exchanging a longing glance with the boy in front of you as if you hadn't just talked to him casually for twenty whole mintues, all while the line was gradually growing. not to mention that you both had places to be.

"here," theodore stuffed a hand into the pocket of his coat, pulling out what looked like twenty quid and sliding in front of you. you opened the cash register to fish out the amount of money you were supposed to give back to him, but he shook his head. there was no way in hell he was leaving that big of a tip. or maybe he was. you not only spent almost half an hour making his day better, but he liked your coffee so much you had to make him three, one being on the house.

you let out a laugh of surprise at the serious expression on his face, silently wishing for him to walk out and retrieve the money like any sane person would. at that point, just simply being graced by his presence was more than enough. you didn't even want the damn tip. your thoughts caused an onset of panic to flow through you. you weren't thinking straight at all.

"thank you." you spoke finally, contemplating whether you should ask him for his number or not. pansy's look of anticipation seemed to be heading in the exact direction you were most terrified of. thank god theo was being a wuss too.

"i'll see you around." he smiled as he made his way over to the exit, and you nodded enthusiastically, giving him a small wave as he stepped through the door and out into the streets.

you sighed when he finally disappeared out of your line of sight, failing to notice the way a few of the customers waiting in line were holding back their giggles after having witnessed the whole commotion. you weren't sure if you wanted to fly around like happy little fairy or burst into a million pieces and disappear off the face of the earth, but you knew that you were very spontaneously falling for theo and there was no going back.

***

a few weeks had gone by since theodore first came into the three broomsticks. and many things changed, one being that you began looking forward to coming into that hellhole which was a 'goal' rotting away somewhere in the far bottom of your bucket list. you'd never been more happy having to wake up at seven in the bloody morning to grind coffee beans and serve annoying londoners. it was laughable how you jumped from hating your job to getting excited by the thought of showing up to work. life was indeed full of surprises.

theo made sure to come in every morning (or afternoon, depending when you had your shift), and would always stay much longer than he intended, or so he told himself. he was awful at balancing university and personal life, but he was willing to make some sacrifices for you, even if it meant that he had to endure some never-ending teasing from his friends. blaise came in from time to time to enjoy the show live, mattheo called him a softie, enzo thought the whole thing was too hilarious to be real, and draco was giving him the cold shoulder (lovingly).

"oi!" pansy nudged you with her elbow. you were just about to brush her off as you were busy with the ice dispenser, but when she motioned with her head towards the door, your breath hitched.

theodore stepped through the entrance, and he somehow looked even prettier than he was when you saw him yesterday. you swiftly whipped up the order that you were working on and bid the customer goodbye when they confirmed that their to-go macchiato was perfectly made.

he smiled at you as he took a seat at his usual spot, and you grinned back in response before returning to work. it was awfully difficult not to lose focus when he was sitting there looking like a god sent gift, and you were getting frustrated with yourself. you could see pansy smirking at you in the corner of your eye, and you groaned quietly as you began working on another drink.

you were starting to get very impatient while you were busy with the other customers, but after making several cappuccinos and dealing with an angry man who's twelve espresso shot latte was too bitter, you finally got to speak to theo.

"hello." a greeting. a bloody greeting was all it took to make you blush furiously. you mentally applauded yourself with some heavy sarcasm. you were doing a great job at not being obvious.

"hi." you responded breathlessly, making him chuckle at your rather dishevelled state. pansy was having a very difficult time trying to stifle her laughter, but she remained professional and continued helping her costumer.

"so, i've been thinking...today." he cleared his throat, wiping the sweat on his palms on his black jeans.

"okay," you chuckled, "i'm listening." you tilted your head to the side slightly, curious to see what he had to offer. you hoped it's what you thought it was, but you didn't want to get excited too early. for all you know, he could be asking you for a favour or help to sort him a working spot at the café itself.

"right," he looked a bit uncertain. he gulped, hesitating before letting his words form decently, "my roommates are having a movie night and i'm not exactly sure what they have in mind, but that's besides the point," he rambled, letting out a displeased huff. something was definitely wrong with him today. when he went over this with mattheo, it seemed incredibly easy, but now that he was going through with it, he felt as if his downfall was inevitable, "i was wondering if you wanted to join us." he forced a smile, the internal prayer of please say yes was becoming so loud his thoughts became clouded. it's not like he couldn't handle rejection. frankly, he was fairly good at it and rarely ever let it touch his ego, but not in situations like these. not when he was actually falling in love and able to picture his life with somebody.

you weren't sure if it was possible for your cheeks to get any more red than they already were, but you quickly learned the harsh truth when you heard draco snort rather loudly.

you weren't that shocked by theo's suggestion, no, but it seemed to good to be true. so good that you had to pinch your arm behind the counter where he couldn't see it to make sure you weren't dreaming. he silently panicked for a moment, but when he saw the lovestruck expression on your face, he turned red himself. he sort of bid farewell to his intimidating, mysterious persona the moment he first met you, too enthralled to try and keep it up, and this was barely what was left of it. it was long gone. draco wished he had brought a camera with him.

"of course, i'd love to." you responded, without a sign of doubt in your voice. he smiled, breathing out a sigh of relief. he scrunched his face thinking how desperate he must've looked, but nevertheless continued the conversation. the speed with which you accepted his offer made him feel a strong surge of confidence, "when does your shift end?" he questioned as you began preparing his coffee.

"seven, remus is letting us off an hour earlier tonight. he said he had somewhere to be." you looked over at pansy who was giving you a not very subtle thumbs up. you rolled your eyes at her with a stupid grin on your face.

theo felt on top of the world. his eyes never left you, he watched you work, and only got snapped back to reality when pansy addressed him and asked him to close his mouth before he starts drooling all over the counter. he blushed profusely, and you tried not to laugh at him, but failed miserabley when you turned around and handed him his drink.

he groaned and covered his face with his hands, having no other option but to laugh along with you. "you should've seen her face when you came in," pansy winked at you with a mischievous smirk. you kicked her from behind the counter for that comment, and she blew a kiss your way before handing draco his coffee, "you know, nott," she started, pretending like she was thinking about what to say next, you should put that mouth of yours to use soon so she finally shuts up about–" you scrambled to cover her mouth before she could finish that.

"how's your coffee?" you changed the subject, turning to him innocently.

"perfect." he gave you a brief nod, not daring to spare draco or your friend another glance. you yanked your own hand away when pansy licked it, muttering a few curse words as you reached over to the sink to wash her spit off.

you turned to theo with an apologetic smile, making a mental note to murder pansy after your shift, and the two of you held eye contact for what felt like a goddamn hour to all the people impatiently waiting to get served. you simply could not get enough of those beautiful green eyes. they were so, very distracting.

"can you two eye-fuck after i get my overpriced tea?" lorenzo decided to make a surprise (dramatic) appearance. fair point he had there. you scratched the back of your neck awkwardly, and theo only rolled his eyes, wordlessly reaching for a cigarette. that was his one way of dealing with lorenzo.

"are you gonna bring your entire friend group in here or what?" pansy exclaimed in disbelief, thinking she would spot mattheo sitting at a table somewhere in the corner.

"i'm not bringing them here, they're following me around like annoying fucking flies." draco jumped to defend himself. the poor guy was never able to escape the countless of false accusations thrown his way. you were loving every bit of it.

"that should tell you something." lorenzo sat himself next to draco. "huh?"

"you smell." he purposefully leaned in too close for comfort, successfully avoiding the harsh shove the blonde was preparing to give him.

"what the fuck, are you five?" draco stared at him with obvious judgement. theo shortly glanced at the pair, and then shifted his full attention back to you. as funny as watching them bicker was, he found you a lot more captivating. and besides, his day was going quite alright (minus pansy's comment about him drooling all over the counter), so he wasn't looking to ruin it by getting involved in playfighting with his idiot friends.

the boys took about an hour to leave, and when they did, they made sure to let you know that theo was going to make you very happy, emphasis on the what's in his pants part. well, lorenzo did, at least, draco wished to leave the moment his friend opened his mouth and started listing all of the reasons why one should date theodore nott.

"and also, he will very much– hey, i'm not done!" theo ignored lorenzo's protests, and proceeded to push him towards the exit with draco on their tail. they all waved you goodbye, although enzo did it quite reluctantly, he wasn't ready to leave yet. theo offered you one last smile before stepping out the door, and you mouthed a quick goodbye, your face redder than ever.

"do you think he's good in bed?" pansy suddenly quipped while she was cleaning up the coffee spilled around the espresso machine. "who?" you shot her with a perplexed glare. you were not about to have this conversation with her.

"draco." she said it as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"good god," you mumbled to yourself. at least she wasn't trying to get you to talk about theodore, "i don't know and i don't want to know."

"hm," she stared at nothing while she spoke, "i wonder if that's how he gets all his anger out." she said thoughtfully before shrugging it off like she didn't just make you picture the most atrocious thing known to man. you never wished for theo to be there more so he could save you from whatever grotesque form of nightmare that was, and you certainly hoped that pansy wasn't going to attempt to test out her little theory tonight, as draco had invited her over in the meantime, too.

***

patienece was something you heavily managed to work on while working at three broomsticks, and you could say that you had successfully mastered the art of it in your four months spent there. you could also say that meeting theo was the biggest fuck you to all of the progress you had made.

the remaining two hours of your shift ended up turning into what felt like an eternity of torture. pansy had to keep a careful eye on you, a bit mortified that you might just strike an innocent customer. if looks could kill, yours definitely would. you best believe she told draco about that.

it wasn't all so sullen, though. your misery did not last forever. at last, the clock struck seven. but there was one thing you did not consider when you thoughtlessly agreed to show up at theo's place at eight, and that was that you'd have a little over thirty minutes to make yourself look presentable. the moment your shift ended, you sprinted to the staff room to collect your things, gave pansy a clumsy hug, and left the shop light speed.

you always felt incredibly lucky that your dormitory facility was very close to your workplace, but today that feeling was extraordinarily more intense. you made it there in less than five minutes, cursing the out of order elevator and swiftly climbing up the stairs to third floor where you were situated.

you burst through the door, out of breath, immediately ridding of your clothes and disappearing inside your tiny bathroom. you couldn't recall the last time you took a shower so quickly. not even ten minutes later, you were back inside of your room, rummaging through your dresser in search of something cute to wear. it was rather sad that you just then noticed that hermione, your trusted roommate, was not there. she stuck a post it note to her headboard, explaining that ron's parents invited her over for dinner and that she'll be spending the night at his place. just when you needed her, she wasn't there.

"fuck." you cursed, continuing to ransack the drawers of your small commode. trousers were out the window. the best pair you owned was in the wash, the other three were an immediate no. you weren't sure what the dress code for a movie night was, exactly, but wearing your over-the-top fake leather trousers did seem like a bit much. maybe that should have been your sign to get some new ones.

you yanked the bottom drawer open and managed to dig up some clean socks and a large jumper (one that you weren't even certain was yours), and when you couldn't find your favourite sweatpants, you snatched a pair of jeans from hermione's closet. you could only hope that they would keep you comfortable for however long that little movie marathon was going to last.

you shuffled the clothes on, you didn't have enough time to try on anything else, and quickly did your make up just so you looked a bit more presentable. bless pansy and her patience when she was helping you step up your eyeliner game. you took a few improvised mirror selfies to send to her, emotional support and all that, grabbed your coat, slid your old low docs on, and bolted out the door.

it had begun to get dark before you even stepped outside, and with the sun disappearing behind the horizon, it got colder, too. you were very happy that the boys' flat wasn't located too far away from your dormitories, and you could make it there in about ten minutes if you tried hard enough. good thing you knew the address, as you had the displeasure of having to visit draco a couple of times when you got assigned to work on a project together. he always made sure that his friends were out whenever you showed up there. you were hoping that your experience would be a little better this time, but you didn't worry much. you were going there for theo, so how bad could that really go?

you didn't even want to think of it as you stepped in front of the entrance of their flat, and pressed your finger to the doorbell to alert them that you'd made it. mattheo opened the door for you and grinned like an idiot, very obviously trying his hardest to fight away his inner demons that were pushing him to crack some stupid joke on your and theo's account.

"do not." you threatened, and he raised his hands up in defeat, moving out of the way and letting you walk through the door. he waited for you to kick your shoes off, and then politely led you further inside, no unnecessary comments made.

you didn't expect the boys to make it all look so comfortable, but you had to admit that you had underestimated them. they brought out some extra pillows so that whoever sits on the floor doesn't leave with sore buttocks, fluffy blankets with star wars patterns, an old beanbag, lots of different food to choose from, and a crate of beer shoved under the table. huh, you could definitely see yourself enjoying that.

draco, unsurprisingly, didn't say hello when you stepped into the living room, but lorenzo offered you a different kind of greating.

"theo, your girlfriend's here!" he announced, loud enough for the neighbours on the fifth floor to hear.

"piss off, enzo!" theo yelled from what you assumed was his bedroom, and then stepped out a few seconds later, flipping lorenzo off when he wiggled his eyebrows. what a child. he grabbed a hold of theo's wrist and kissed the offending finger.

"good evening to you too." you gave him a pointed look, letting out a noise of surprise when theo took a gentle hold of your hand and led you to the couch. he mumbled something along the lines of, "you look pretty", and you offered him a smile in response, not willing to attract any more attention. draco had already claimed the spot sofa, explaining that he and nobody else is allowed there, so the two of you settled on the floor without a fight, sitting so close your shoulders were touching.

pansy showed up not very long after you, and lorenzo was more than happy to have the long awaited movie marathon finally start. it didn't go down without bickering, obviously, and after twenty excruciating minutes of arguing if you should watch notting hill, poltergeist or fight club, pansy grabbed the remote and put on 10 things i hate about you. nobody really complained.

you and theo managed to avoid the hand accidentally touches hand part of sharing a bowl of popcorn, but then your legs somehow tangled under the blankets and neither of you bothered to move or apologise.

in the meantime, lorenzo shifted from his chair to the beanbag mattheo was in, and had the other cuddle him against his own will. not like he actually minded. it was a miracle that thing was big enough, one wrong move and they'd both be on the floor along with their bags of funny-flavoured crisps.

the beloved rom-com felt like it came to an end sooner than it started, and you were all already arguing on what to watch next. mattheo took the advantage to grab the remote when draco reached over to hit lorenzo, and clicked on dirty dancing without asking for a second opinion. two romance movies in a row. somebody was out to get you. draco groaned in protest, but pansy gave him a kick to shut him up. yes, he let her sit on the couch with him, but her, and her only.

halfway through, you felt theo shift next to you, and not long after, he threw an arm around your shoulders, nervously holding you before relaxing when you didn't move away. you smiled to yourself and shuffled closer, the warmth radiating from his body was addicting. you could get used to it. the thought of pulling away seemed ludicrously dreadful and the concept of time became unfamiliar.

you only realised how long you had been squashed together when it hit you that the second movie was coming to an end, too. there were barely twenty minutes left, and you felt your eyes beginning to flutter shut. not because you were bored, you were just simply exhausted. theo quickly noticed, and he let you lay your head on his shoulder, but falling asleep was the last thing you wanted to do.

"god, i could really use a coffee right now." you groaned and you rubbed at your eyes, covering your mouth as you yawned. you needed a little something to keep you awake, and your trusted caffeine would surely do the job.

"come on, i'll make you some." theo stood, helping you up and not letting go of your hand as you made your way towards the kitchen. mattheo questioned where you were going, and nodded skeptically after receiving a short response. the other three didn't care, either too immersed into the movie or occupied with other things.

you took a seat on the counter next to theo where he opened the cupboards, his eyes searching for whichever form of caffeine they had left in there. he pulled out a half empty jar of instant coffee, and looked at you unsurely, unknowing whether you'd want to drink it or not.

"just make me whatever, it's fine." you waved a dismissive hand, and he gave you a quick nod before getting to work. not that it took much effort.

it was almost done in an instant, hence the name. you didn't mind, though, coffee was coffee, and coffee could never be bad. although, you weren't really paying attention to what he was doing, a little too busy staring at his face to notice anything else.

"tell me if it's horrible." he said as he handed you the hot drink. you hopped off the counter and thanked him before you pressed the mug to your lips and took a tiny sip. you tried not to grimace, and politely took another one. it was not good.

"it's good." you choked out, holding back a cough and forcing a supportive smile. theo didn't look very convinced, you doubted he was, and he took a step closer, like he was about to confront you about your little white lie.

"be honest." he sighed, yet there was a sort of menace behind the disappointed look on his face.

"it's terrible." you failed to hold back a snicker, feeling a little sorry that his coffee tasted just that bad. he was lucky you had some tips up your sleeve, "it's so bad, what did you–" to say that you were absolutely flabbergasted when he kissed you would be an understatement. you didn't push him away, nor did you resist, you were simply too shocked to react.

you laughed in surprise when he pulled back, your jaw hanging open slightly. then he leaned in again, but you had enough time to react this time, so you kissed him back, despite feeling a bit lightheaded by it all. it was one of the strangest situations you had found yourself in in a long time, but were enjoying every little bit of it.

"i literally just criticized your–" he quickly hushed you, going in for another kiss. you giggled against his lips and set the cofee mug aside, wrapping your arms around his neck and letting your hand tangle his locks. theo could fucking collapse. there was something about the way you grabbed his hair, something that made him see colours he didn't even know existed. you weren't oblivious enough to miss the way he reacted, pressing his body closer to yours and tightening his grip around you, so you did it again, smirking in satisfaction when it drew a pleasant sound of approval from him.

his tongue brushed over your bottom lip, and you let out a tiny noise of surprise, feeling your knees buckle. without dwelling on it, you opened your mouth, and when his tongue touched your own, you gasped, maybe even whimpered, accidentally pulling on his hair a bit too harshly. theo didn't seem to mind. he grunted in response, you were making him forget that there was nothing but a wall separating you from your friends.

"you just missed the best– oh, fuck, my bad, continue please, sorry!" mattheo disappeared as fast as he appeared, his footsteps followed by laughter and the end credits of dirty dancing which got increasingly louder. courtesy of draco turning it up to drown out any unholy noises he suspected might come from the kitchen after seeing the look mattheo's face.

you pulled away from each other, too flustered to even laugh, your lips swollen and cheeks pink. theo's grip on your waist loosened, and you relaxed your arms, but still didn't pull them away from where they were wrapped around his neck. he leaned his forehead against yours, uneven breaths fanning over your lips.

"uh," you started, as speechless as he was, "have i mentioned that my dorm was empty for the night?"

#theodore nott #theodore nott x reader #theodore nott x you #theodore nott x y/n #theodore nott imagine #theodore nott scenarios #theodore nott smut #theodore nott fluff #theodore nott headcanons #theodore nott fanfiction #mattheo riddle #draco malfoy #lorenzo berkshire #pansy parkinson #blaise zabini #harry potter #harry potter fanfiction

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currymanganese · 4 months

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Richie's journey is not over

I've done my fair share of hating on Richie, but @caiusmarciuscoriolanus 's and @post-woke 's meta on him has gotten to me. As a companion piece to this post about Carmy's future in the culinary world here, here's why I think Richie may be the one to actually leave the industry someday, or at least that he may find a fulfilling secondary vocation by the end of the series.

1. Along with Marcus, but to a greater extent, Richie is Carmy's narrative foil, if Carmy stays in the restaurant world, as Carmy's foil, Richie may want to leave someday:

Before the start of the series and in season one, he was the dutiful "son/brother"-figure that stayed in Chicago and stuck it out with Mikey (since Mikey pushed Carmy away) while Carmy globe-trotted and became a master at his craft. He resents Carmy for not coming to Mikey's funeral and for being MIA after his death, and perhaps also for being absent from pitching into the family business even prior to Mikey's death and the business' decline. He also resented the changes Carmy, and by extension, Sydney, made to the restaurant during season one, and by the beginning of season two expresses insecurities about his place in the restaurant, and by extension, his place in Carmy and the Berzattos' life. Hence, in season two Richie goes out of his way to have Carmy's reassurance that he would not be "dropped" and he also apologized to Natalie for some unspecified long-standing slight or slights, and enjoyed a much improved relationship with the surviving Berzatto siblings until his argument with Carmy in "The Bear".

During this war of words, after Richie called Carmy, Donna, Carmy retaliated by claiming that he should've cut Richie off, that Richie wouldn't be able to make a living or support his child without him, and accused him of being a leech with an obsession with the Berzatto family. Regardless of whether Carmy truly believes these things about Richie or not, and regardless of whether they are true or not, the venom behind this outburst may have left Richie questioning his security at The Bear, and the sincerity of Carmy's earlier promise to not abandon him, which has silently been one of Richie's greatest fears since season one, with his admission to Carmy in Braciole that,

"You're all I have left."

Also, keep in mind, season two already began with Richie questioning his purpose and place at The Bear, while Carmy ended the season questioning his vocation and his place at the restaurant,

"Maybe I'm just not cut out for this."

Similarly, their love interests / the women from their pasts are associated with one another, Carmy's (now ex) girlfriend , Claire, and Richie's ex-wife, Tiffany:

"Tiff used to babysit Claire!"

Since both Richie and Carmy reached a turning point professionally and experienced upheavals in their relationship(s) in season two (with each other and with their love interests a la Claire breaking up with Carmy, and Tiff informing Richie that she's moving on and getting married), we'll have to wait until the dust settles in season 3 or beyond to see whether the words Carmy spoke in anger to Richie may push him away, even if only temporarily, to the point that Richie may be moved to "abandon Carmy / The Berzattos / the restaurant before they abandon me", or even to see if he has truly found the answer to his question of what his purpose and vocation is in life, and whether that lies in customer service and working the expo or overseeing the front of house at The Bear, or elsewhere.

It's also interesting to me that the book Richie is shown reading in Season 2, 'Unreasonable Hospitality: The Remarkable Power of Giving People More Than They Expect', by Will Guidara, apparently stresses the value of imparting a sense of excellence and care for one's customers and peers / working relationships no matter the industry, and highlights that the lessons the author learned in the restaurant/hospitality industry can also be applicable to other fields.

Which leads me to my next point;

2. I believe that Richie serves as an author avatar for Christopher Storer himself on some level, and Storer ultimately left the food service industry to become a writer/ director and work in the film industry, hence it's another reason that it would not come as a surprise to me if Richie ends up leaving The Bear, even if it's only temporarily:

C Storer has expressed before in podcast interviews that Richie's character is based on his older male cousins growing up, with whom he enjoyed spending time with in his teens as an escape from his own dysfunctional home life as a child of divorced parents that lived with a mother struggling with addiction. This explains the "Cousin" moniker and surrogate brother role Richie occupies in Carmy's life clearly enough. However, I also think that Richie and Mikey to some degree, (as Storer also struggled with substance abuse in the past) may be partially based on Storer's own life before he found his vocation and settled into a relationship with his long term partner, Gillian Jacobs, who, interestingly, stars as Richie's ex-wife Tiffany in the show.

This is just speculation on my part, but there is something in Richie's dynamic with The Berzattos that may be a reflection of, or at least partially inspired by C Storer and his younger sister, Courtney's, real life surrogate family, the Zuccheros; which is the family that owns Mr. Beef, the Italian sandwich shop that show and The Original Beef of Chicagoland is based on.

According to Joanna Calo in this podcast, see around the 48 minute mark, Chris and Courtney Storer worked at Mr. Beef when they were younger, before Chris left the food industry to become a writer/director and moved to LA. However, Chris Storer has maintained a friendship with the current owner of Mr. Beef, Christopher Zucchero, since kindergarten, and the pilot of The Bear was filmed on location in Mr. Beef, the rest of season one was filmed in a set that was a faithful recreation of Mr. Beef's premises, and Chris Zucchero also had a cameo appearance as ChiChi, Carmy's meat connect that haggled with him in the season one pilot.

As if all this wasn't enough of powerful testament to the bond that the Storers have with the Zuccheros, Chris Zucchero has stated in interviews that Chris Storer used to direct him and their friends to do recreations of movie scenes when they played together as children, and that there was never a doubt in his mind that Storer would've become a film director someday, a level of faith which mirrors Carmy's faith in Richie's people skills and his aptitude for a new role front of house. Chris Storer also promised Chris Zucchero to make a show about Mr. Beef years ago, and The Bear is a fulfillment of that promise.

The former proprietor of Mr. Beef, Chris Zucchero's father, Joseph Zucchero, also seems to have had a fatherly relationship with the Storers (Chris Storer has disclosed that he and his siblings did not have a close relationship with their own father after their parents' divorce), and particularly with Courtney Storer. Chris Zucchero has even joked in interviews that his father loved Courtney more than his own children, and that Zucchero Sr. served as a surrogate father to many in his community.

In my opinion, even if Richie shares no other connection to Chris Storer's life and personality, beyond Richie being an amalgamation of the cousins Chris Storer grew up with; the tight-knit bond of devotion and affection between Richie and Mikey and The Berzattos certainly appears to be somewhat reminiscent of Christopher Storer's own loyalty to his longtime friend, Chris Zucchero's family.

As such, this may be completely off-base, but hear me out;

3. What if Richie's character journey eventually mirrors Christopher Storer's personal career trajectory and takes him on the path of becoming a writer, perhaps even to the point of publishing a heartfelt article about, or story inspired by: his life, his job, Mikey, The Berzattos, The Original Beef and The Bear?

Since we are unfamiliar with much of Richie's backstory and skillset beyond his time in the restaurant, I'm basing this possible career shift on one aspect of Richie's personal interests we are privy to; Richie appears to be surprisingly well-read, and it is generally assumed that excellent authors tend to be avid readers, just as renowned filmmakers tend to be cinephiles themselves.

In the pilot episode - when the creators took time to create character establishing moments for Carmy, and most of the regular cast, despite Richie's initial abrasive interactions with Carmy, Richie is shown to also be affable and well liked, or at least respected, by the staff and prompts them to have an informal icebreaker over Syd's family meal by asking them to express what they are thankful for.

This moment establishes Tina's (at the time hidden) sentimental heart of gold when she answers, "I'm thankful for all y'all mfs! 😜", and Marcus and Ebra's sense of humour and easy rapport with Richie /their irreverence and lack of fear of him when Marcus makes a joke at Richie's expense and Ebra chimes in to mock his body odour. However, when Richie's turn to express what he's thankful for, out of all the possible people or things the writers could've used to telegraph what is important to Richie, and who he is as a person, in this moment Richie says he's thankful for the classic sci-fi author, Philip K. Dick; who famously wrote the dystopian novel 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?'' which ultimately served as the inspiration for many sci-fi works, including the Blade Runner films. Even if he intended for his answer to be light-hearted or flippant, it may be a case of "the truth being hidden in jest" that he expressed gratitude, not for his daughter, not for any other relationship or personal possession, but for Mr. Philip K. Dick.

In season one Richie makes another offhand/indirect reference to this sci fi author and his story, by addressing the crew as, "replicants" (a term for lifelike artificial humans from Blade Runner, i.e. robots) when he shows up late to the staff meeting wherein Carmy is about to initiate the brigade system by delegating Syd to lead the crew. Since these are two sci-fi story references that Richie makes within the first 3 episodes of the show, after season one would be forgiven for just thinking that Richie may be a fan of classic sci-fi books or films and nothing else, however, season 2 shifted this understanding of Richie's characterization for me when, again, he references yet another renowned writer/novel in the season 2 pilot.

Thanks to fans on The Bear's subreddit - it appears that the writing he referenced this time was Haruki Murakami's 'Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Year's of Pilgrimage' as he paraphrases the story, including the main character being deserted by friends because of a lack of a 'life /interest' besides "trains". Richie uses the book to effectively articulate his own feelings of aimlessness, and fear of abandonment to Carmy. This conversation with Carmy where Richie uses the book as a tool to communicate his own anxiety/ need for reassurance to Carmy also ultimately served as a catalyst for Richie being sent on the opportunity to stage at the 3 Michelin star restaurant in season 2 episode seven.

It is during this episode that Richie undergoes some much needed character development, and is shown studiously reading Unreasonable Hospitality in a montage as he undergoes his metamorphosis into the earnest, professional, and essential FOH/BOH team member with renewed confidence that we see him as in episodes 8-10; apologising to Nat, helping her to vet the new FOH potential hires, even taking over the expo on the soft opening night and helping Sydney to avert disaster as she takes over functioning in Carmy's stead in the season finale. When addressing the new FOH staff prior to the soft open he again quotes a novel by a renowned author with existentialist themes, 'Siddhartha' by Herman Hesse as he urges the new staff to, "listen better".

Whether Richie eventually leaves the industry or The Bear or not remains to be seen, but I'm looking forward to seeing where his character development will take him, and I'm looking forward to Season 3 and beyond.

It is now clear to me, underneath all Richie's machismo bluster and bravado lies a surprising level of perceptiveness, a philosophic/existential curiosity and sensitivity that, in addition to his love for reading and gift for gab, may potentially lend itself to him developing a compelling written voice should he ever have the desire to write stories of his own.

Perhaps he may be steered to do so if he seeks out counselling for himself, whether via Al-anon or otherwise; as journalling / writing and tapping into a creative pursuit is often recommended as a coping mechanism for processing trauma/grief?

I also think that, much in the same way that Carmy confessed to seeing his cooking as an art and a means of communication in his Al-anon monologue in Braciole in Season 1; it is telling that Richie repeatedly uses what he has read as a means to express himself and communicate with others in some of the moments that he is most happy, uninhibited, sincere, and/or vulnerable.

P.S. @thoughtfulchaos773 Thanks for the nudge - I dug this out of my drafts because of you - stay wonderful 😊❤️

If you've read this, thanks for reading and feel free to chime in!

#the bear #the bear fx #the bear hulu #the bear meta #richie jerimovich #ebon moss bachrach #sydcarmy #<tagging for any sydcarmys that want to weigh in on this #this has been languishing in my drafts since december 2023 - posting because of thoughtfulchaos 😊✨#if anyone has posted on this before - sorry #long post

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lynxfrost13 · 2 months

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EULR-S2313 “Holt”

Awesome artfight attack of her by archivebottles on twitter ^^

Holt time let’s go!!

- she’s an old EULR unit that works in Sierpinski-23’s medical wing, she takes care of both replika repairs and patching up gestalts. She’s known throughout the facility as one of the better medical units due to her experience and patients often request her not only for her skills but her company (she’s a terrible gossip even by Eule standards!).

- Holt was given her name from her tendency for hand holding both professionally to comfort her patients, and to generally show affection! Those who know her well also know that her name comes from her stubbornness for a EULR. When she sets her mind to something she refuses to let it go!! She does not take no for an answer! Especially when she’s caring for patients!

- She has a petty grudge against Storch Sieben. No one knows why, but the two of them don’t like each other and can’t be in the same room for very long unless someone wants a shouting match

- When a certain Kolibri unit had an accident in the mines, Holt fixed her face and then after learning that the Kolibri had lost her bioresonance and was being considered for decommission, pulled some strings and kept the decomm request at bay. This initially caused some friction between her and Kolibri, with Holt wanting to keep her alive and well, but Kolibri feeling purposeless without being able to hear her cadre. Although they got off on the wrong foot they grew close and spent a good deal of their spare time together (cue much teasing in the Eule dorms)

- Holt and Kolibri eventually became lovers, Holt had had a crush on her for a while and finally worked up the nerve to confess it. Kolibri felt the same and the two kept their relationship under wraps due to the already tense situation Holt had created in preventing her Kolibug’s decommission request. They still had each other and were happy for a few more years at least (there was much teasing and even more kisses in that time, they loved each other dearly)

- The mysterious illness infecting the replikas of Sierpinski-23 eventually claimed Holt though. During the infection she worked hard to try to treat ailing replikas, or at least bring them some comfort before they had to be put out of their misery. When Holt began showing signs of sickness, Kolibri stayed by her side in the medical office as her condition worsened to the point that she couldn’t recognize her lover at all.

- Holt couldn’t control herself and was confused and scared, she attacked Kolibug when she came to check on her that last day. Kolibug killed her in self defense and remained by her beloved’s side afterwards.

#holt #blorbo tag #signalis oc #signalis #Eule #rip holt sorry I killed you babygirl you deserve better #I do have an AU where Holt basically says fuck it and performs grand theft kobibi and gets the hell outta dodge way before the sickness #but yeah that’s holt!! her and Kolibug are the self indulgent sierpinski babes #for fun I like to think you could run into Kolibri holding Holt’s body in the lower medical wing #holt my beautiful old robot who probably has contraband in her dorm and definitely knows more than she should about sierpinski things

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honeypiehotchner · 1 year

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Devil’s Backbone (Unsub!Hotch x Fem!Reader) -- part one

It’s the way that I am BURSTING with excitement about posting this fic 😈🫣

Warnings: nothing here really, just talk of Haley and Jack’s deaths

Don’t forget to follow @honeypiehotchnerlibrary and turn on post notifications to be notified when a new chapter is posted!!

One: All along we called it normal — “The News” by Paramore

“Please say your name and rank for the record.” The tape clicks. Across from you, Strauss sighs.

“Supervisory Special Agent Y/N L/N,” you reply confidently, “with the Behavioral Analysis Unit in Quantico, Virginia.”

“How long have you been with the BAU?” Strauss asks.

“Four years.”

She takes the seat across from you, crossing her legs, and opening a file folder. “Did you work under Agent Hotchner the entire time?”

“Yes ma’am,” you reply, lacing your fingers together on the table. “I did.”

“How would you describe your relationship to Agent Hotchner during this time?”

“Professional,” you say firmly, knowing exactly what she is trying to get you to say. “Strictly professional.”

+++

When Hotch returned to the BAU’s offices, he headed straight into a meeting with Strauss. She didn’t know he was coming, and a meeting wasn’t scheduled, but he knew if he went straight to his office that she’d call for him immediately. He thought he might as well beat her to it.

He stepped off the elevator and turned toward Strauss’s office. She locked eyes with him through the glass walls of her office, her expression frozen in shock.

“What are you doing here?” Strauss asked, right to the point, barely letting Hotch shut the door first.

“I’m here to get back to work,” Hotch replied, just as blunt.

Strauss was unamused. “Did you even think about the retirement offer I showed you?”

“I did. I’m declining it.” It was a nice offer, really, but it made no sense. He’d have more free time than ever before, but he didn’t need free time. He needed to be occupied constantly if he was ever going to make it through this mountain of grief.

“It’s been two weeks,” Strauss stated. “You need a month of bereavement, Aaron. Minimum.”

“You’re getting two weeks,” he said with a defiant shrug.

Sensing a losing battle, Strauss caved, settling on a compromise. “You’ll need to pass a psych eval with flying colors, then.”

“I will.”

“Today,” she said. “You’re going to wait here until they arrive.”

Hotch put up no fight. “Alright.” He turned and took a seat on her couch while she placed a phone call, ordering an immediate evaluation.

It took an hour for the psychologist to arrive, and they appeared to have rushed there. In truth, Strauss made the situation sound much more dire than it was.

Hotch stood and shook the psychologist’s hand, already securing a good impression before the evaluation had begun. Strauss led them down the hall to a conference room for some privacy.

Hotch hadn’t been in many psych evals, but he was well aware of how they work. Passing this one was easy, much to Strauss’ displeasure, and he was cleared for work by the afternoon.

“I will be watching you, Aaron,” Strauss warned.

“Don’t you already?” he quipped, pushing through her office doors.

+++

The team was in a frenzy when Hotch walked through the BAU’s glass doors, wearing his usual suit and tie, briefcase in hand. Like nothing had happened.

“Is that…?”

“Already?”

“Why is he here?”

You lifted your head from your paperwork and stared, jaw dropping ever so slightly as Hotch walked past your desk. Your eyes followed him up the stairs to his office, unlocking the door and flicking the lights on.

“Did you know he was coming back today?” Emily asked from her seat next to you.

You shook your head, tearing your eyes away from your boss. “No. Not at all. Hasn’t it only been two weeks?”

“If that,” JJ said.

“Is he even allowed to be here?” Morgan asked.

“Standard bereavement time is three to seven days,” Reid quoted, chewing nervously on his nails. “But it varies based on the relationship to the deceased. He should’ve gotten at least a month, or maybe two, since it was Haley and Jack…”

“He definitely shouldn’t be here,” you murmured to yourself mostly, but Emily voiced her agreement.

“He needs more time,” she said quietly, shaking her head in disbelief. “We know he’s a workaholic, but this is…”

“Way too soon,” you finished, and JJ nodded.

Rossi exited his office next door and walked into Hotch’s, immediately embracing him in a hug. You couldn’t hear what they said, but Hotch cracked a small, barely-there smile. It was more than you expected.

Hotch turned his head and locked eyes with you, and you looked away, embarrassed. You really shouldn’t stare. You just didn’t expect him to be back so soon.

You returned to your work, feeling like a kid caught red-handed. Minutes passed before you started to hear Rossi and Hotch’s voices a lot clearer, as they walked down the stairs into the bullpen.

“Hey,” you heard Emily say, smiling gently.

“Long time no see, boss,” Morgan joked lightly.

You lifted your head again, seeing Hotch say a small, “Hi,” and nod. He looked down at you, offering another nod.

“Hey,” you murmured. “How are you doing?”

“I’m alright,” Hotch said, directing his answer to the entire team. “I’m glad to be back. I need something to keep me busy.”

You nodded solemnly. You figured that was the reason, but it didn’t make it any better. You still felt like he should’ve waited a few more weeks at least.

“Well, we missed you,” Rossi said, filling the silence.

Everyone murmured their words of agreement, even you. You probably missed Hotch more than anyone else, but it wasn’t a competition.

“I have some cases to review,” JJ said, gesturing in the direction of her office. “I was just about to bring them to Rossi, but if you…”

“We can review them together,” Rossi offered, nodding with Hotch.

“Sure,” Hotch said. “Just bring them up to my office.”

“Coffee?” Rossi suggested. “I’m sure the pile is as high as ever.”

Hotch seemed strangely comforted by the fact, and by everyone’s attempt to behave as normal as possible, as everyone would have worked before Haley and Jack’s death.

The two men fell into easy conversation, as old friends tend to do, and headed over to brew a fresh pot of coffee. JJ headed to her office to retrieve the case files. Emily, Reid, and Morgan shared looks with you before sinking, defeated, back into their chairs.

Garcia came through the glass doors, her empty mug in hand, and stopped in her tracks when she saw Hotch standing in the small kitchen.

“Sir,” she said. “What are you doing— I mean— Welcome back!” She hugged him, unable to help herself.

“Thank you, Penelope,” Hotch offered a tiny smile, hugging her back.

Garcia set her mug down on the kitchen counter and came over to share her confusion with the rest of the team.

“I saw his psych eval get posted,” she whispered hastily. “What is going on?”

You shrugged. “He said he’s ready to be back.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Babygirl, we know,” Morgan shushed her. “He won’t listen.”

You snorted, knowing that was the truth. Above anything else, Aaron was stubborn. You didn’t know why you didn’t expect him to pull something like this. In fact, you felt stupid for not seeing it coming. You should’ve known.

You gave him a few weeks, depending on how many cases came through that needed the BAU’s attention, but nothing more. He’d realize he needed a break eventually, and then he’d most likely take a month off.

Or he’d retire. But you didn’t want to think about that.

You wanted him to have his time to grieve and heal, but you didn’t want to lose him entirely. The BAU wouldn’t be the same without him.

You were not alone in that sentiment, either. Garcia asked you a few days earlier if you thought Hotch might take Strauss’s retirement offer. You didn’t know what to tell her, not really. If he did, you’d understand. But you’d miss him even more than you had these past two weeks.

+++

Your relationship with Hotch had always toed the line of being inappropriate, ever since you began at the BAU a few years ago.

After his divorce from Haley was finalized and she seemingly wanted nothing to do with him, you felt less guilty about your lingering looks. The guilt evaporated entirely when Hotch began sharing the looks, and added small touches.

At first, it was nothing to concern yourself with.

He always sat next to you on the jet, so these times were no different — although he began sitting closer. Thighs nearly touching, forearms brushing, always bordering on too much, but never enough to raise any suspicions.

His fingers brushed against yours while he handed you files, your bulletproof vest, or a piece of evidence. He started putting his body in front of yours when gunfire was involved, even though you both had the same level of protection on your bodies.

And when he could, he paired you with him for interviews, interrogations, or general splitting of the team. The two of you never shared a hotel room, but he and Rossi always get their own rooms. You did notice, however, that your room was often next to his.

You were tempted, many times, to knock on his door, but you never did. Foyet’s terror began, and then Hotch’s family was targeted, and his attention was torn away from you.

Not that you blamed or resented him for that, of course. It made perfect sense for Hotch to turn his focus to his ex-wife and his son when a serial killer was after them. Disappointment crept into your body, but you pushed it away. Bigger problems were at hand.

You comforted Hotch as best you could during those times without crossing any lines.

“We’ll get him,” you remember saying one night, among other things that you probably shouldn’t have uttered. But your words worked and he thanked you for talking to him, even though you’re sure Rossi and others said similar things.

We’ll get him, you all had said. We’ll catch Foyet.

And you did, but there was no “we” involved. Aaron knew where Foyet was going and was already headed there by the time the team figured it out. He was on a one-man mission, no matter what anyone says to try and make it seem less so.

With Hotch back in the office, feelings were resurfacing, though you tried quieting them. The circumstances now seemed even more inappropriate than before, so you kept yourself under a close watch.

It didn’t help, though, that Aaron had gone back to his old ways.

When the team boarded the jet for the first case since his return, you took your seat first, expecting him to sit elsewhere, but he took the seat directly to your right, effectively boxing you in. Not to mention, he was closer than he had ever sat, and you didn’t know what to do with that.

So, you behaved as normal.

“Alright,” you exhaled. “Let’s figure out what the hell we’re dealing with here.”

The case was standard, reminiscent of a thousand others you had worked on already. In a way, you were glad that this was the first case Hotch was back on. You thought maybe it would help him to work on something so familiar.

Your hopes were confirmed when the jet landed, and the team headed to the precinct. Hotch was behaving as his usual Unit Chief self.

+++

It didn’t take long for your relationship with Hotch to get back to where it was, and for it to take the step further that you wanted it to way back then.

It only took two cases, three months, for you to be in bed with him.

You didn’t knock on his door like you always wanted to. He knocked on yours.

“We really shouldn’t be doing this,” you whispered, your lips just barely touching his cheek. He hovered over you, his arms bent at the elbows and resting on either side of your head. His entire body was pressed into you, the weight comforting.

His heavy breathing filled your ears. “I know.” He rested his forehead against yours.

“You’re drunk,” you said, not upset by the fact, just aware of it.

“I’m not,” he said, shaking his head, but you could smell the alcohol on his lips. You could taste it.

He wasn’t lying. He had one drink, one glass of whiskey, but that was it. He wasn’t drunk. He was buzzed. He’d remember this in the morning. And he wanted to.

“If you’re not,” you murmured, “then what are you doing here, Aaron?”

He lifted his head, his eyes raking over every inch of your face. “What I’ve wanted to for a long time,” he said. “If Foyet hadn’t come back, I would’ve…”

He shook his head, and you shushed him, wanting him to stop this train of thought before it continued. “Don’t. Shhhh, don’t, we don’t have to talk about that right now,” you cradled his face in your hands. “Don’t do that to yourself.”

He nodded. He thought for a moment, regret and shame passing over his face. “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, even though you hated it, even though you really wanted to. But you knew it was the right decision for the night. “You should sleep.” You paused, brushing your fingers through his hair. “You should stay.”

“Can I?” he asked softly, like he knew he shouldn’t. “Just for tonight?”

“Yes,” you murmured. “Stay.”

He did.

#aaron hotchner x fem!reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner #criminal minds #unsub!hotch #unsub!hotch x fem!reader #unsub!hotch x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #hotch x fem!reader #hotch x reader #hotch x you #hotch fanfiction #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner smut

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herejusttosufferalong · 2 months

Note

Here are my theories about N/L relationship. I am positive 50% is true, just not sure which 50%! They had chemistry from day 1, became friends and flirty with no feelings showing until the start of S3 filming. They couldn’t help the attraction, everybody on the set saw it and I think J felt it and discussions were had. Up to Sep 22, J referred to L’s mom and sis as MIL and SIL.

L/N were told that feelings may happen due to intensity, long hours, a uniquely shared experience and the roles they are acting. It was recommended for the sake of their careers they should wait and see if the feelings last. So ends, S3 filming. L goes to his Raya, young girl, vacay mode and ends up with A, who is a close friend of S. (I will not bring his SM fiasco from last year. That boy is just not savvy or astute enough to use SM to his professional advancement!) N starts dating E in April of last year. All is relatively hunky dory. Come Jan and PR training. They probably were just told to let go and let their natural chemistry shine, because PR people are not idiots! And boy, did they. A sees this and probably feels it too and starts to make some demands. She wants to be known as his gf and have an increase in her SM #, so she can monetize it. She posts Hotel locations, etc because they get to stay there at a reduced cost at the least. (The Soho vacays are just brag. L is the member, the rest are just friends that can go with him, but not alone). I am sure to a certain degree, A orchestrated the In Style fiasco.

Feelings get more confusing and complicated with N/L during the WT. A surprises L at the NYC premiere. He doesn’t seem thrilled about it, introduces A as a friend. During the A/N ‘intro’ and hug, A says she thinks N is funny! (She is, but an odd thing to say to your bf’s costar at an after party). Have no idea what other things happen behind the scenes, but all of us fall in love with Lukola. If they had had a wedding reception at the end of the London premiere, nobody would be surprised and there would be puddles of goo worldwide from our collective swooning.

Instead we got the pap pix.

Whoever arranged this is the single most evil and unromantic person in the world. We didn’t even get to watch part 2 and we were slapped hard and left confused. A can do whatever she wants, she will never have chemistry with L.

L got the backlash and N came to his rescue with a very sweet declaration. I think the SATC clip which was done during S3 filming was maybe supposed to bring the narrative to the show and funny things? or maybe N was upset by L’s behavior or inaction? I like to think N is not petty, but who knows. She took it down, because the comments went in the direction she wasn’t expecting. (She still needs to learn TT over Insta, they are different beasts.)

Apparently, E exited at some point. Maybe the romantic engagement dinner DM reported was actually a breakup?

Your post on LaLa land, I felt was too on the nose. With this current mess, maybe their professional advancement means no HEA. He did make a post and put LaLa Land?! She has made her career her priority. She is a Hamilton fan, she is not going to throw away her shot!! Is he subconsciously ruining his career? Does he just want to be in her presence and light? Can they work it out?

I brewed more coffee and am sitting at the restaurant with the rest of you. I just ordered a stack of pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.

Your thoughts?

"Apparently, E exited at some point. Maybe the romantic engagement dinner DM reported was actually a breakup?"

It wasn't until recently that I considered they actual broke up or took a break around Nov/Dec '23 and then rekindled Feb/Mar '24

But that Nic sighting posted by DM was in Jan '24, no?

Maybe they reconnected sooner and then finally parted ways in Mar or early April

I know folks like to say that N wasn't as flirty or obvious until the end of the press tour but the April press junkets and livestream was something else

#just my opinions btw #timelines #theories #merely speculating

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roo-bastmoon · 1 year

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IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF THE CULT'S DYNAMICS

Disclaimers: Sensitive topics are discussed below the cut; please do not incite drama, speak hate, or engage in bullying. I am not a mental health professional; I make no claims of expertise (in anything). This is a collection of my thoughts about what is currently happening on the Taekook side of ARMY, in the hopes that it may help us as a community respond more effectively to the toxic parts of our fandom. If you click below this cut, you are assuming responsibility for your own behavior and agreeing to engage with my blog respectfully, or you will be blocked.

THE NARRATIVES AT WORK

I submit that shipping Taekook is both an evolving conspiracy theory and a living cult.

There are various narratives within this subgroup, but in general, to ship Taekook, one must believe Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jungkook are in a closeted gay romantic relationship.

One also likely believes that their company (both BigHit and Hybe) and everyone around them have always actively hid their gay relationship.

Initially, Taekook (the “real” gay couple) was being hidden by Jikook (the “fake” gay couple) because Jikook was somehow more popular in Korea and therefore considered to be more profitable.

And this was the main narrative for years. It got Jimin dragged and hated online and in real life, to the point there was even a credible shooting threat at a concert.

Now, the narrative is being modified in light of the video footage revealed this week involving Taehyung and Jennie.

If Taekookers accept at all that Jennie and Tae were indeed photographed holding hands in Paris this week, then they likely believe both their companies are using this as a PR Relationship stunt to hide their real gay relationships before military service and comeback projects.

This belief includes:

1) assuming Taehyung and Jennie are not being honest;

2) believing Taehyung and Jungkook have no agency or power within their own companies; and,

3) all of their members and managers are also in on this nefarious plot.

Whether they believe Taennie is just cosplayers in an orchestrated smear campaign, or two actual idols in a PR Relationship, regardless, a large segment of this subgroup still believe that Jimin is the company favorite who gets special treatment.

Therefore, things that should be Taekook’s (such as songs and subunits and couple-like interactions) are instead given to the company’s king of fan service, to the point where Jimin “assaults” Jungkook with “unwanted” attention and physical contact.

THE LOGICAL FALLACIES

As amazingly popular as our Korean It Boy is, I have serious doubts about Jimin being the “company favorite” ever since Hybe took over two years ago.

As the “company favorite,” I’d love it if he got more lines in group songs, or was allowed to film as many music videos as he wanted, or could be given more than 10 days of promotion time for a project he spent a year working on. It would be stellar if the “company favorite” had in-ears that worked correctly during live broadcasts, or was invited onto IU’s show, or could host streaming parties or sell exclusive merch. To say nothing of the “company favorite” getting far more reality show appearances and magazine interviews and a Disney documentary with behind the scenes footage! Heck, I’d settle for his songs not being split on Spotify, his views not being culled on YouTube, and maybe just one congratulatory statement to the press or even just a CAKE celebrating his historic Hot 100 #1.

At least Jimin was “allowed” to include a hidden track with Jungkook (that wasn’t advertised or available to stream, so not fan service) and he was allowed to queer code his Like Crazy music video. So I believe he has some agency and say over his projects. I’m not sure he’s entirely understood or appreciated by his company—frankly, I think his potential was underestimated—but I don’t claim he’s a victim. Victim narratives play into cult dynamics.

But I digressed. I was talking about logical fallacies.

Let’s entertain the idea that for more YEARS, Jungkook and Taehyung have been horribly abused by their management and forced to hide their relationship.

They never thought to address this issue when they were renewing their contracts?

Also, what’s up with all the footage during RUN episodes when they are standing together, or on the same team, or hugging and cuddling, or leaning their heads on each other’s shoulders and legs?

Why were they allowed to flirt and dance and do skinship on stage—and all that stuff even made it into official footage?

Now let’s entertain the idea that Taennie is a PR Relationship.

So… two rival companies, just coming out of a bitter failed deal around a music industry monopoly, are now working together to make people believe Jennie and Tae are dating?

Even though idols LOSE popularity and company stocks take a DIVE when couples are revealed?

So Taennie is the strategy to promote solo albums and upcoming projects?? And both companies’ PR teams say “We can’t confirm it as it is their personal lives.” So no PR statement is the PR strategy??

We know it’s bullshit. It makes about as much sense as Hillary Clinton running a child sex trafficking ring out of the basement of a pizza parlor that doesn't have a basement.

But many in the cult believe it’s Absolute Truth.

The question is why?

The answer is in the dynamics at play here.

CULT DYNAMICS

It starts with a MISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN.

Baby ARMY get curious about BTS, hop on YouTube or TikTok, and are bombarded by the algorithm that claims Taekook is real.

Unless they go searching for original content (which takes up dozens and dozens of hours to sift through and much of which sits behind a paywall), they will not have much to contradict these claims.

Most older ARMY are understandably so sick and tired of the ship discourse that they don’t go into Taekook spaces and duke it out in the comments. Plus, content creators know that Taekook content gets hits and likes, which translates into passive income, so they keep making it.

See this video where a cult leader shows you she made over $109,000 in a year just from her Taekook edits:

So in the din of all this nonsense and noise, it’s up to Baby ARMY to seek out other voices, other input, to form an opinion. They have to be proactive. And sadly, a large segment of the population lacks critical thinking skills and do not WANT to seek facts.

We live in a very busy, post-fact world, where “credible messengers” (i.e., someone you know and trust) tell you their opinions. Then you try those opinions on for size, and they eventually become your opinions. It’s faster, it’s easier, and…

It lets you be part of the IN-GROUP. Next thing you know, you're part of a group chat with 400 indoctrinated members, spitting conspiracies like gospel truths.

In today’s globalized, fast-paced, hyper digital world, most people cannot tell you the names of their neighbors or local butcher or even their state’s politicians, let alone what all they stand for. But they can tell you how the Kardashians feel about organic salad in a plastic bowl, or what Trump believes about election results.

There’s a lack of real-world relationships that tether people to a shared reality.

And yet, there is a human need for Tribe.

A cult uses that instinct for TRIBE by constantly re-enforcing the notion that People Out There don’t understand, aren’t very nice, will even persecute you for knowing the truth.

But People In Here, the IN-GROUP, they appreciate you, they are reasonable and open-minded, they will be there for you when everyone else turns their backs on you and puts you down.

All you have to do to belong to the IN-GROUP is subscribe to these CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

First, you should think about becoming Anti-Establishment.

You cannot trust the Authority (company, government, scientists, whatever). The Authority is corrupt and will lie to you because it wants something from you (money, votes, microchips in the vaccines, whatever).

Do not trust what your eyes show you and what your ears hear. Believe your in-group. Be loyal to your found family. Your found family is SPECIAL.

Second, you need to begin to wake up to the Signs and Wonders.

Once you’re willing to see the truth, suddenly there are all these hints. All these little “Q-drops” of information. Like Taekook touching face moles during a song. Or seeing slowed-down, edited videos of facial expressions that look like evidence of jealousy. Or maybe hidden meanings behind tattoos of tigers and green mics. Or making a secret handshake or symbol with their fingers. These Signs and Wonders are FOR YOU.

*Now, I’m inclined to give Taekookers a bit of a break on queer couple coding because, culturally speaking, similar clothing and jewelry are couple-coded in Korea. And there are just as many if not MORE theories about Jikook using similar black and white clothing, matching jewelry, related tattoos, using special numbers in songs and timestamps, and even changing up lyrics as secret messages.

The issue here is that Jikook ACTUALLY DOES SOME OF THOSE THINGS. They actually deliberately type out specific numbers on some of their social media messages. They actually have dressed in the exact same outfits or worn each other’s clothes. They actually have changed up lyrics and sung them to each other.

Even so, any reasonable Jikooker will say “all of this is suspicious as hell, but not proof.” Like when Jungkook says his J tattoo stands for Jungkook—the placement over the M is suspicious, yes—but all sane Jikookers accept that Jungkook has spoken about that tattoo and he did not say it was for Jimin. We don't sit around calling Jungkook a liar just because we preferred our theory.

Taekookers, however, want what Jikook have so badly, even as they scorn it for merely being fan service.

Half the time the hints they claim are completely made up.

They see sandal footprints in the sand, and their leaders say it’s proof that Jungkook went on a secret beach date with Taehyung. Even though Taehyung went out with a friend and his parents that night.

Taekookers will see a photo of shoes all neatly lined up and say it’s a secret ski date with Hobi. Even though Jimin owns the exact same pair of shoes and there were no photos or accounts of them ever being at a ski lodge the day after Jin went into service.

Taekookers will swear they hear Jungkook’s voice off camera during Taehyung’s vlog and insist he was hiding in the trunk of the car during the drive to film. As if JK would hide in the trunk for hours instead of just… go in a different car that didn't have a camera??

All of these Signs and Wonders require a huge leap to arrive at the conclusion that Taekook is a romantic couple.

Meanwhile, evidence of Jikook spending birthdays together and couple holidays together and going on trips alone together and having integrated families and inner circles (stylists, tattoo artist, boxing coach) are ALL fan service. Every single person is in on the conspiracy.

Yes, even when JK’s mom screams “I love you!” to Jimin and makes her son eat seaweed soup on Jimin’s birthday, (JK was clearly FORCED to make up that story) it has to be fan service.

And when Jimin’s dad posts a photo of JK’s old dog on JK’s birthday (a birthday where Jimin visited him in the middle of working on his album, but Taehyung did not even though he wasn't working on anything), it's fan service. And when Mr. Park hosts a give-away event at his café where JK’s music is playing and cap and photo are proudly displayed next to JImin? Absolute fan service; he’s a money-hungry, attention-hungry cad, don’t you know? Even the charity he and his son do are fan service!

But JK went bowling with Wooga, so, Taekook are married. (Legally married. Not in Korea. But you know. They ARE married. Coming up on their third anniversary already!)

It’s all there, if you’re just willing to see the Signs and Wonders. And believe your cult leaders when there's nothing to see or wonder about at all.

Third and perhaps most important, is the Star-Crossed Lovers angle. The VICTIM CARD.

You see, it’s not bad enough that openly gay couples face pure hell in conservative countries anyway—losing their jobs, their families, sometimes their will to live because the stigma can be so bad. But on top of all that, for years and years, Taekook have been forced apart.

They’ve been just tortured by Jimin’s attention-whoring greedy nature, and made to endure fabricated fan service skinship!

(When Tae and JK look happy to be around Jimin, it’s just because they are professionals and such good actors!). Darn that Park Jimin, the abuser and sexual predator!!

And after so long being forced to hide, now in solo era, poor abused victimized Taekook can be loud. So loud. So very loud and wild and free!!

After all, during the Vegas concert, Jungkook sat on Taehyung’s lap!! He's NEVER sat on any other BTS members' lap (except for all of them).

And when Jungkook came online and said “Keep being jealous, I’ll keep holding Jiminie!” and that Jimin was HIS! Then fans kept asking him about Taehyung, so he also said Taehyung was his. It was totally his own organic idea (except for how it wasn't).

When fans kept pestering Jungkook during his camping VLive about Taehyung, he said he was forced to admit that Taehyung was attractive, he’d never seen a man so attractive! (FORCED to admit it! So romantic!)

Meanwhile, as all this shakes down, there’s this scandal in the press that Jimin didn’t pay his insurance premiums because his mail was omitted by the company. News of this dropped EXACTLY the moment his first OST With You came out, and he went totally quiet.

And then, Jungkook also went quiet for a while too. He deleted all his previous Insta photos that were personal and changed the layout to be totally professional. He went to the White House. He did a collab. He partied for JitB. He went on a Meat Tour of Korea. He did a concert with his members. He headlined World Cup. But mostly he was getting quieter and quieter.

Eventually Jungkook deleted the app entirely. Sometimes he stayed in his home for six days at a time. He stopped working out or going into Hybe; he started drinking whiskey. And nowadays he doesn’t even want to look at the comments on lives. Not because he was sick of the Taekookers or anything, but because “the company is forcing them to hide!”

Of course.

And all throughout 2022, Taehyung and Jungkook are paired up for things, and Tae's talking about a fortune teller saying he and Jungkook were “fire and water.” And rather than be taken as cute moments between friends, these are just VERY LOUD SIGNS AND WONDERS.

Then there are leaks online of all these photos that involved Tae and Jennie.

And thus begins tons of lives where he mentions Jungkook.

I'm not saying Kim Taehyung had an agenda to throw fans off the scent of his actual relationship, but I'm also not NOT saying that.

Whatever his motivations, the cult interpreted this as a direct message for Taekookers to keep the faith!

And indeed, Taekook do hang out—sometimes openly. (Sometimes where there’s press that make them hold up signs while cameras are going off—but that’s not for work, that’s a date, because the security team there wasn’t Hybe’s, and it was a friend’s premiere.) Sometimes quietly, where they share photos of hanging out afterwards.

But it cannot be just two friends hanging out. It’s Signs and Wonders!! SO LOUD!! SO FREE!!

So many reveals—mostly coming from Taehyung, but Jungkook doesn’t often deny them. And it’s mostly Taehyung stroking Jungkook’s hair or laying his head on Jungkook’s thigh or whatever—but Jungkook doesn’t stop him. And Jimin seems totally unbothered by all of it, which is strange because it sort of debunks years of his efforts at fan service.

Yet, clearly THIS cannot be fan service or misdirection.

It can’t just be friends playing games, or a TikTok made for work. It can’t be recording someone without their informed consent for attention. It can’t be going to a concert with other members and sitting in separate rows as friends. Or going to a musical or movie to support friends. Unlike all the things Jungkook has done with Jimin, this has to be Real Love!!

So just to recap:

When the cult had no evidence of Taekook hanging out, they were a private couple.

When the cult had ever-increasing evidence of Taekook hanging out, they were being loud.

When the cult had evidence that Jikook hang out outside of work, that was just fan service.

When the cult had no evidence that Jikook hang out outside of work, that was just fan service getting exposed.

When the cult has evidence that Taehyung has a girlfriend, that’s a punishment.

MARTYRDOM

You see, Jungkook and Taehyung would go on WeLives without permission, remember? And Taehyung set up a dual live chat on Insta and JK didn't seem that into it but he was persuaded. Then they giggled and couldn’t find much to talk about for ten minutes. And Taehyung said he would take full responsibility for it.

And the cult now believes that “taking responsibility” means pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship. Even their insider sasaeng accounts predicted it!

Never mind how mad all of this seems. And it would be one thing if just one or two ideas were far-fetched, like looking at a pair of shoes and making assumptions. But all of it is far-fetched.

Facts do not matter. Because you cannot trust the Authority. You can only trust the In-Group.

And the In-Group sees Signs and Wonders. So the In-Group knows the Real Truth.

The In-Group DECIDES TOGETHER what is real.

They can make entirely fake edits; cosplay; post false witness statements; harass models, coworkers, brands, businesses… they can hire trucks to circle the building with loud speakers, protesting and shouting their truth!!

And anyone who doesn’t believe the Real Truth is a Fake Taekooker.

No disbelievers allowed. Get out of the tribe. Only the faithful can stay in the Tribe.

Right now, you might be asking yourself: Why would you stay in a tribe like this??

Because the dynamic is ever-evolving, which is titillating, and participants get a sense of power, because they are able to help craft the narratives—by being so smart as to see the truth where others are blind sheep—so they can bond over how unique they are.

Plus… TAEKOOK NEEDS THEM.

The boys absolutely depend on their support. You see, Taekookers are the real HEROES here.

They understand the boys like normal people never could. If you know you know, and they are steadfast against any and all lies presented as evidence. They are loyal.

The whole world is against their baby bear and baby bunny!! They are the boys Only Defense. Just take a look at this video of their rallying cry:

If you've got martyrs, you've also got... CRUSADERS.

Yikes, right?

So, here are millions of fans who were lied to, misled, misinformed… They developed relationships over time with people who also believe this misinformation… They get a sense of power in crafting their own reality, in which the objects of their affection are victims and they are the heroes… And the only way to prove themselves worthy of the group is to stalwartly ignore anything that contradicts these narratives.

This is a literal, textbook cult.

Cults use deception, isolation, peer pressure, group-think, and suppression of critical thought. To varying degrees, all Taekook spaces do this too. (And yes, other ships and solos and mantis ALSO rely on these tactics. But I've never seen anything quite so open or pervasive in ARMY like the Taekook cult tactics.)

I feel I should make one thing should be made clear: a LOT of people sincerely believe in Taekook.

But there are also a lot of Taekook content creators who sincerely believe in the money they make off people believing in Taekook.

Like all cults, at the end of the day, it's a scam.

Now there’s evidence of a real relationship, and of course anyone who has invested time and money in Taekook is going to be pushing back—hard.

So how do we navigate this chaos?

Well, most cults end in one of two ways: an FBI raid, or everyone drinks the Kool-Aid and dies.

But more often than not, cults don’t really end so much as fizzle out over years.

Plenty of cults are still alive and well despite amble debunking (Scientology, Q-Anon, Illuminati, flat-Earthers, Larries—what they believe doesn’t really matter; it’s how they believe that makes them a cult.)

Cults are a bit like hydras—you cut off one head, three stronger ones pop back up.

They won't stop. They have to BE STOPPED.

HOW TO DEPROGRAM A CULT

Well, back in the 70s, in the early days of deprogramming, the only thing that was effective was to separate the individual from access to the cult (by kidnapping if you had to), then bombard them non-stop with facts (using imprisonment or restraints if you had to) and eventually they are coerced into re-integration. But none of that is humane or legal by today’s standards.

It also leads to relapses.

Really the only way to deprogram cult conditioning is for a mental health professional to slowly and methodically discredit the cult leader(s) and gently present contradictions.

(How can Jungkook really be in a relationship with Taehyung if he’s always mentioning Jimin? How can Jimin be hurting Taehyung and yet they are on FaceTime for hours, trading fan art and watching tv shows? Why would the two most rich and famous pop stars in the world need a publicity stunt?)

And even then, the cult member has to be sort of able to question things for themselves, and it just helps to have other supportive people echoing their own questioning sentiments back to them.

It can take YEARS until a cult member reaches the breaking point and begins to listen to Out-Group ideas. (On average, five years, to be exact.)

And then they may begin a journey of self-expression, where they openly voice doubts or complaints against cult narratives. They may even engage in transference, jumping off the Taekook ship and onto another (the need for tribe is very real). This is an extremely vulnerable stage and should not be taken advantage of.

At this critical moment when someone is tittering on the fence, trying to figure out what reality is, you need to REWARD THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT.

You want them to question. You want them to express their grief and doubts. You want them to look for real sources of information.

This is NOT the time to kick someone when they are down, or look for “gotcha” moments to shame them publicly.

If you see a Taekooker wondering if they’ve been lied to this whole time—they HAVE. And that is abuse. And abuse victims need to be handled with care.

I know that Taekookers have dragged Jimin to hell and back for years so I’m not about to preach love and acceptance.

But it’s also fair to say that Taekookers have been gas-lit and realizing that can be traumatic.

Wounded animals are dangerous. A traumatized human lashes out. And you know who the prime target always is. They are already starting to take it to Jimin directly.

I strongly recommend you take a very cautious approach if you engage with them right now. Especially if you’re thinking about arguing with them.

People who defend Jimin or Jikook end up doxxed, suspended, harassed--and someday, I fear a wounded cult member will get physically violent.

Be especially careful because plenty of big accounts are closeted Taekookers. Here's a thread exposing some "mystery cult" members:

THE MOST EFFECTIVE RESPONSE

I normally don’t try to police people or preach too much, but I’m going to give you some unsolicited advice if you managed to read all this:

Don’t go into Taekook tags or spaces. Don’t debate them. Don’t talk trash about them or the members. Don’t slam-dunk or spike the ball with snarky words or memes. Don’t give them a taste of their own medicine. Don’t be cruel.

First of all, don’t do any of that because Jimin and Jungkook would be mortified by it.

But second of all, don’t do it because it just makes them dig in harder; it adds weeks or months to the deprogramming timeline.

The goal is to get the cult out of ARMY fandom. Because they thrive on a victim/hero complex, attacking them reinforces cult dynamics.

I believe there is a better approach.

First, you can and should go Gray Rock whenever possible.

Starve them of oxygen. Don’t acknowledge them. If you do, be generic in your responses—boringly bland, detachedly polite. Ignore them completely; their hot takes do not matter.

Block and report if warranted, but never engage. On some level, they really want to be persecuted for their beliefs. It's why they keep coming into Jikook spaces looking for a fight.

But their beliefs are so ridiculous that they aren’t worth our time. Instead, direct your focus on what you want, which is to promote and celebrate Bangtan.

Second, you can provide what’s called a Graceful Exit.

It doesn’t always work if they know that’s what you’re doing, but it is perhaps the most effective technique, especially if they are already questioning the cult narrative.

You see, a shamed human being gets defensive, doubles down, won’t listen. But a human being offered a Graceful Exit Out of a Bad Place gets to reinvent themselves in a way that allows them some dignity while they change direction.

A Graceful Exit has a few components to it:

“Hello, Taekooker. I also saw a lot of misleading content when I was a baby ARMY. The algorithm feeds you Taekook content almost immediately. Then you make online friends, and they all believe in Taekook. Suddenly everyone is telling you really complicated theories about how Taekook is being hidden. Once you believe that, you have to also believe that Taekook are lying by omission, that Jimin and the members are also lying, that the company executives and translators and managers and staff are all lying, that Korean ARMY is lying, that fellow I-ARMY is lying… and that’s a lot of people spreading a lie for no real gain. Now that you have some evidence that Tae is happily in a relationship with someone else, it’s only natural to question your beliefs, because YES, Taehyung and Jungkook absolutely love each other. But are they IN love? NO. For my part, I trust Taehyung. I love and support Taehyung. I don’t spread the idea that he or Jungkook engage in fake relationships. If you support them, then you’ll accept what they are showing you. When you’re ready to stop shipping Taekook, ARMY will be ready to welcome you back. We can stream together and vote together and help our boys achieve their dreams. We can watch their content and go to concerts together and enjoy fan-works. But what we can’t do is make up really complex stories around BTS’ reality. Our place as fans is to appreciate their music, and let them live their own lives in their own way. It’s time to let go of old ideas, and embrace the new things they share with us.”

This tactic allows the cult member to feel sympathy for being human. It provides understanding that they’ve been deceived. It appeals to their higher nature and love for the objects of their affection. And reassures them they could have a place in a bigger tribe if they let go of the in-group.

It invites them in, instead of calls them out.

Now, you guys might not be willing to do that. Especially considering the hate trains and rape jokes and death threats they gave Jimin for years. Believe me, I get it. I GET IT.

So if you see someone spewing vitriol, now is not the time to call them in. Now is the time to block and report.

However, if I take out my anger on them, it’s serving my own feelings.

And I’m here to serve Jimin, Jungkook, and BTS, not my own need to be right.

So I believe the best way to do that is to Gray Rock the Die-hards and provide a Graceful Exit for the Questioners.

Many cult members are not going to believe in Taennie unless Kim Taehyung makes an announcement directly--and even then, he’ll have to do it in such an emphatic way that they buy what he sells.

So we should accept that the cult is going to be around for a long, long time. Conserve your energy, my dears.

But for the ones who just got fooled but don't intend any harm, we can either hope they let go of their own volition, or we can try to make room for them as part of true ARMY.

What we shouldn’t do is get down in the mud and start slinging. Everyone loses ground that way.

THIS WAS THE LONGEST EVER POST; I AM SORRY!

But these have been my thoughts over the last few days. I’m okay if you want to comment, but I would like to ask that you DO NOT reblog to tag Taekook and that you don’t weaponize this post by spreading it around specifically where it could cause drama.

Drama is the exact opposite of my intention.

My desire is to provide some better understanding around how cults work and how to disband them.

In conclusion: Keep it classy. Ignore assholes. Be gentle with people recovering from gas-lighting. Stay true to the principles of BTS and ARMY. Apobangpo.

Love, Roo

#jimin #jungkook #jikook

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yaseraphinee · 1 month

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astro observations 3 - appearance and vibes / leo risings focus

WHY IS EVERYONE LEO RISING ???

(REMINDER : I am NOT a professional astrologer. Everything I say are my personal opinions and not facts.)

Hi guys !

First of all, I wanted to say sorry for not posting in 1 month. My 2 weeks and a half trip was not the most relaxing to say the least. But I still had fun overall!

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty of things : Today's post will be about Leo risings, and like I said in the last post about Virgo risings (you can check it if you want here), this post will not be a description of their physical characteristics and vibes but instead be an open conversation to answer one of my biggest astrological questions : Are Leo risings the most common rising sign ? (Libra and Virgo risings will also be part of the conversation but not at the center of it, obviously)

This question has been bothering me for a while now. It feels like whenever i meet a group of people, i click on a few random profiles on astro seek , I, more often than not, encounter a bunch of Leo risings.

Even on instagram when some random people reveal their big three in their stories, or on their bios it feels like 4 times out of 10 it's a leo rising ?

I don't know if i am tripping but i feel like , after studying and learning about astrology for a little more than two years and doing, seeing and dissecting so many birth charts, i recently came to the conclusion that Leo risings might the most common rising sign.

Actually, this conversation seems to not be reserved to Leo risings only since Virgo and Libra risings appear to be also REALLY common rising signs.

-> EXEMPLE :

To give a real life exemple , last year i knew the rising signs of 20 people in my grade. To show you clearly how common some signs seem to be, i am going to make a list of each student next to their rising signs, calling each 20 of them student 1, student 2, ....

-> MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THOSE STUDENTS :

Within those 20 students, most of them were good acquaintances and a minority were my friends. I did not have really profound relationships with most of them.

/!\ i am aware that only 20 people is FAR from being enough evidence to prove my point but i am just trying to show WHY i have been questionning the possibility of leo risings, alongside with libra and virgo, being the most common rising signs, and not prove that they are the most common because i clearly do not know and i need your help lol /!\

Student 1 : Gemini rising

Student 2 : Virgo rising

Student 3 : Scorpio rising

Student 4 : Virgo rising

Student 5 : Leo rising

Student 6 : Libra rising

Student 7 : Cancer rising

Student 8 : Capricorn rising

Student 9 : Libra rising

Student 10 : Virgo rising

Student 11 : Virgo rising

Student 12 : Cancer rising

Student 13 : Aquarius rising

Student 14 : Taurus rising

Student 15 : Leo rising

Student 16 : Leo rising

Student 17 : Aries rising

Student 18 : Leo rising

Student 19 : Sagittarius rising

Student 20 : Cancer rising

*A few of them , i am not sure if they're 100% accurate since they gave me an approximative time of birth.

-> RESULTS :

You can CLEARLY see that Leo, Virgo and Libra risings are the most common. (cancer risings seem also really common here)

Out of the 20 students , 10 are Leo, Virgo or Libra risings. They make up almost a majority of the risings, which is crazy regarding the fact that they are 12 possible rising signs, and only 3 out of the 12 make up half of that list.

The funny coincidence here is that , in the zodiac wheel, they are all one after another :

Leo-> Virgo -> Libra

Now , I remember seeing a while ago a youtube short explaining that the rarest rising signs are allegedly Aries , Pisces and Aquarius risings. I'll put the link if you want to watch it but to summerize she says that basically : Every single day for two hours (approx.), each one zodiac sign constellation rises on the Eastern Horizon. If a baby is born during the 2 hour chunk when Gemini is rising, that baby will have a gemini rising. The particularity that makes Aries, Pisces and Aquarius so rare is that those constellations only rise for one hour (approx.) each day. Since most of the signs rise for a longer amont of time (2 hours), you have a higher chance of having those signs on your ascendant and logically, a lower chance of having Aquarius, Pisces and Aries on your ascendant.

youtube

At the beginning, I said that I studied astrology for a little more than two years HOWEVER I haven't really studied (if not at all) the more "technical side of astrology", what the discipline and knowledge requires to be practiced correctly and accurately and to make the best interpretations possible.

That is one of the reasons why I am coming here : to seek help from professional astrologers who can not only clarify if what the girl in the youtube shorts is saying is true or not and why it is true, but also to tell me if my theory makes any sense, if there's some truth in it - > basically, to give us answers.

Now, even if you're not a certified astrologer you are still obviously welcomed to partake in this conversation ! I will be more than happy to answer to all of you guys and to get your intake on this conversation <33

Let's use our brains together and come up collectively with an answer !

Remember guys : STAY BLESSED 💅🏼✨ ! (period ha! 👅💋)

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thepersonperson · 1 month

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The Reproductive Horror of JJK Part 2 (Dealing with Trauma)

Part 1

Notes before we start.

1) This analysis deals heavily with topics of nonconsent, grooming, abuse, and reproductive manipulation. Please proceed with caution.

2) This post was inspired by @hermitw and @tangsakura

3) Read the light novels. They are the equivalent of Bleach's CFYOW for JJK. There is a fan translation (Book 1 & Book 2), but I will be citing the official translations from my own copies.

4) I will be mainly using the TCB scans for the manga because of their accessibility.

5) Written as of JJK 265.

(Click images for captions/citations.)

Preface

This was written with the assumption you've also read these other analyses:

Thoughts on Sukuna and Kenjaku’s relationship as of JJK 258.

Gojo's You Pronouns (Gojo's Relationship with Toji and Geto)

Please give them a quick glance at least.

...

Some of you may have found it odd that a discussion about bodies being irreversibly changed and used left out Mahito whose ability quite literally irreversibly changes bodies for them to use. That was deliberate. Blame Tumblr’s 30 photo limit.

The previous post was actually about Mahito.

Mahito

For series that has a power system based on strong negative emotions, it is a bit odd that curses surrounding sexual trauma aren’t ever directly mentioned in this work. You could chalk it up to the series being Shounen and not Seinen. But that is precisely why I think JJK delves into the topic using abstract representations. It allows the topic to be explored in a way that connects well with those who’ve experienced it without being too graphic for the younger audience.

Though Kenjaku is a literal rapist, I argued the methodology and effects behind vessel creation resemble rape. Someone's body belonging to another through force, permanent changes brought about after experiencing immense trauma, being groomed into tolerating it as a natural part of this world… When I think of a curse equivalent to this, there is no one other than Mahito that fits.

The transfigured humans Mahito creates are through nonconsentual touch that strips them not only of their autonomy, but their clothing as well. These people are in immense pain from the distortion of their bodies and can never be returned to their original state. In this way, transfigured humans can be read as a stand in for victims of sexual assault.

I didn’t propose this idea first. The Tumblr user that inspired this entire analysis, hermitw, did so in this post (please read it, it's very good). This person’s ideas will be reiterated in this discussion and I will expand upon them starting with how poorly other characters react to their Cursed Technique (CT).

Breaking Composure

Mahito sets themself apart from other curses by how they’re able to get under the skin of the most seasoned sorcerers. It’s not because of their words but the transfigured humans.

Nanami is heralded as the no-nonsense man. Nothing gets to him. He is always calm and professional no matter the circumstances. Mahito's first interaction with him immediately throws him off kilter.

We saw how much fun Gojo was having beating Hanami to death and tearing Jogo apart. That stops entirely when the transfigured humans show up. Yuji can see it coming too. This is the first time during the fight that Gojo’s composure visibly breaks. His reaction to Mahito isn’t any better. There are no smiles and he looks to be in shock.

Gojo’s Six Eyes allow him to see Cursed Energy (CE) to the point where he can infer someone’s CT at a glance. When he sees those transfigured humans, he’s probably seeing the extent of their pain in how the CE controls their souls.

I also want to point out that sexual harassment on trains is such a massive problem in Japan that they have special cars for women. There’s something to be said here about a train full of people that can represent victims of sexual assault.

This visceral disgust when it comes to Mahito isn’t limited to the protagonists either—the main antagonist, Sukuna, finds them to be repulsive after a few interactions. In this instance, Mahito's touching of Sukuna's soul is straight up compared to a patron harassing a hostess.

Just like Gojo, Sukuna goes from having fun to having a really bad time in an instant.

I bring their reactions to Mahito up because there is something off about it. These are all characters that hardly balk at the gore and death brought about by curses. It’s as if Mahito’s brand of violence needs to be categorized as something else.

If Mahito is seen as the embodiment of sexual assault, this is in line with how sexual violence is separated into its own category for treatment and study. When compared to non-sexual violence, the lasting effects are so severe it's not helpful to treat it the same way.

And that’s just what Mahito is. An exceptionally dangerous curse that Jujutsu Society deems needs to be exorcized before it destroys everything because barely anyone can deal with its effects. Likening that damage to something on par with natural disasters is significant.

Mahito as a Natural Disaster

Mahito is the leader of the natural disaster curses despite being born of humans. Hanami, Jogo, and Dagon are forms of wrath spawned from environmental damage brought about by humans. When nature, the ocean, or volcanoes cause mass death, people accept it as a part of living in this world. Sometimes they’ll go as far as to blame others for causing their own demise by living so close to it.

Mahito doesn’t seem to fit into this category unless you consider how widespread sexual assault is. In the US alone 81% of women and 43% of men reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime. These numbers are likely higher due to the underreporting of this crime in general.

In 2021 it was estimated that 101.8 million people were affected by natural disasters or about 1% of the current 7.9 billion population. By 2050 some estimate that 1.2 billion people will be displaced by climate change related natural disasters. That’s about 15% of the current population.

Compared to natural disasters, sexual assault certainly rivals their numbers. But when compared to reporting? It’s under discussed. People chase storms. Natural disasters are tracked extensively by the damage and cost. Nations build infrastructure and plan around them. They’re acknowledged as a problem that is to be dealt with. The victims of sexual assault get no such attention. Warnings against perpetrators are often ignored and the victims are something people would rather keep invisible.

Mahito is a lot like that. Able to go about unnoticed as they stockpile thousands of humans whose bodies disturb those around them. The transfigured humans are targeted first by sorcerers both because it’s easier and because the one creating them seems untouchable.

Mahito’s effectiveness as a curse is their ability to force people to reckon with the worst humanity has to offer. They mirror every little sin and exploitation committed by others, putting it on full display with their manipulation of Junpei.

Just like Mei Mei grooming Ui Ui with inappropriate but gentle touches and praise…

Just like Kenjaku manipulating the vulnerable to gain access to and use their bodies, only to betray them in the end…

You might call Mahito Kenjaku’s protégé. Really taking after all the worst aspects of that bastard. However, I have read CFYOW. Mahito’s true source of inspiration comes from someone unexpected.

Allegory in Darkness (JJK Summer of Ashes, Autumn of Dust, Chapter 3)

Before Mahito met Junpei, they met a blind homeless man living under a bridge. Their interactions with this man fundamentally change their view on humans and their approach to breaking them. This short story is one of the most harrowing things I’ve ever read. The quiet horror of JJK is on full display here. I’m not going to summarize all of what happens. Just read this.

This old man is so detached from himself and the world around him that he has essentially become nothing. He exists as a thing. This fascinates Mahito and they decide to observe them, forming a weird sort of companionship with him. Eventually, Mahito learns why the old man is this way.

Immense trauma. Abused and disfigured, the old man gives up on everything and in turn is freed from his suffering. Mahito likens his state to enlightenment Buddhist monks may achieve.

They’re not wrong about this. Buddhism is centered around the escape from suffering via detachment. But there’s something greatly unsettling about this situation. Unfortunately that never gets addressed, the old man dies and Mahito oversees it.

And what’s this? Right at the end. The old man appreciates Mahito for being there for him. His ��enlightened” state is revealed for the facade that it is, causing his soul to waver. He appreciates that his suffering has been acknowledged by another and dies satisfied, leaving Mahito both in a state of mourning and with the perfect way to manipulate someone before they pass.

What a human is to Mahito.

There’s a lot I left out in my summarization of Allegory of Darkness. Mainly the little discussions they had to build a relationship. They’re centered around movies and books because Mahito uses those to understand the humans around them.

From their studies, they conclude the following.

Humans are creatures that eat, sleep, and rape while curses are creatures that deceive, cheat, and kill. But I’d like to break down the kanji Mahito uses for their description of humans.

食 (ku) is usually read as "ta" which is in line with regular eating. The "ku" reading is more like devouring and it can be a sexual innuendo.

寝 (ne) means to sleep. And just like in English it can mean to have sex with someone.

犯す (okasu) is the tricky one. It can mean to commit a crime, to break, to violate, to contravene, to deflower, to rape.

Translating this as rape isn’t wrong, but it can overemphasize the sexual connotation. Okasu is more about the nonconsent. Doing something against another’s will.

However in Mahito’s case, they’re most definitely drawing attention to that. The eat uses the ku reading and is next to sleep with heavy innuendo. Okasu implies an assault on a body that does not belong to them. With this in mind, I think eat would be best localized as consume to get across the greedy inconsideration.

This isn’t coming from nowhere. They watched such a thing occur first hand. That old man I mentioned? He’s killed by two random men on a dare because they see him as something for their consumption. His body doesn’t belong to him. It’s a thing for them to play with.

Kenjaku, a human, reinforces this behavior by having Mahito participate in death womb painting incarnations and other manipulative schemes. And in the end, Kenjaku causes Mahito to fall to the same victimization they learned from humans.

Mahito sees humans, not curses, as creatures that take without consideration. They’re beings that have made the violation of boundaries so commonplace it can be seen as natural. And he’s not really wrong about that in the context of this story. All the stuff I mentioned in the previous post—it’s both right there in your face and nearly invisible.

The acts themselves are never depicted but always implied. It’s an insidious thing that goes ignored or is outright denied by fans. Anyone who has experienced these things, recognizes it, and points it out will be chastised for reading too much into it.

But can you blame them? The perpetrators are named. They’re goofy and strong and interesting. Their victims are footnotes with little presence and are sometimes outright denied names. And yet they’re always there, just out of sight, suffering in the background.

How horrific that this mirrors a victim’s experience almost identically.

Mahito vs Yuji

The first time Yuji kills a human, it’s as a mercy. At the request of the transfigured human, Yuji puts them out of their misery.

It’s a sin Nanami has been trying to protect Yuji from as a child and Mahito forces it on him with a cruel choice between leaving them to suffer or ending it for them. Yuji chooses to liberate them from suffering.

I think Yuji is able to see the outline of Mahito’s soul, not because of Sukuna, but because he is willing to see Mahito for what they are and face them head on. He doesn’t hide how the transfigured humans or deaths affect him. He cries over them and carries on with that hurt.

And it’s painful. Yuji vomits and wails on the floor. But he deals with it. Unlike his mentors who bury their emotions and pretend everything is ok.

This is what makes Yuji fundamentally incompatible with Mahito. He is the exception that won’t allow Mahito to go unnoticed and slip away. He does it for their victims and himself. And still Mahito taints him. Yuji starts to see himself as a cog no different than Mahito.

He carries that mentality until he finally confronts Sukuna in JJK 265. Acknowledging why he started thinking that way in the first place, moving past it and onto something better.

That’s what I love about Yuji the most. To him, anyone’s trauma will never be invisible.

And the horror persists…

Even though Yuji is this tiny beacon of hope in this rather depressing narrative, there’s still so much he can do as a 15 year old boy. The trauma he takes on and deals with is only for those he was witnessed or has been told of. This means a lot of the characters don’t have their grievances addressed in a way that gives me comfort.

The old man under the bridge may have died satisfied, but I can’t stop thinking about him. His suffering and isolation masked by numbness went on for decades. The happiness he experienced at the end was for seconds. And the worst of the worst, Mahito, was the one to comfort him…

I can't stop thinking about the old man under the bridge.

There’s a lot I left out in my summarization of Allegory in Darkness. I really wanted to include more, but I found it to not fit into the rest of this discussion. Strange little bits of dialogue like these.

When I read these passages, a single question lingers in my mind.

Why does this man resemble Sukuna?

I lied. This post is actually about Sukuna.

Let’s go back to that homeless old man under the bridge. Mahito admires him as enlightened, but anyone can his state is mortifying. He has coped with the abuse, disfigurement, and suffering by becoming nothing. No different than a rock. He has no name. He’s not a person. He feels nothing. And the worst thing about it is how that’s technically better than being tormented by those memories.

JJK asks how does one cope with trauma? And repeatedly this question is answered by most characters in one of two ways:

1) You let it consume all that you are.

2) You become nothing as you detach yourself from it entirely.

The old man under the bridge is what Gojo tried to and failed to become. As much as he pretended otherwise, his attachment to grief and love controlled him. Sukuna mocks him for this. Calling him painfully ordinary in the English localization isn't incorrect, but it strips away that religious context. In Japanese this kanji 凡夫 (bonpu) can be read as Unenlightened.

The old man reached enlightenment while coping with his trauma. It worked for so long. But right at the end, when Mahito shows some semblance of care for him, those feelings he thought were shaved off cause him to waver.

A new question plagues my mind.

What the hell happened to Sukuna?

It’s presented as a humorous thing. Framing Mahito’s nonconsensual touching of Sukuna’s soul as a handsy patron ignoring the boundaries of a hostess.

Gege sometimes introduces character quirks as something funny before they’re revealed to be induced by trauma. Gojo Satoru is the biggest culprit of this with his sweet tooth and manner of speech and childish behavior that desperately tries to claw back the youth that was stolen from him.

Sukuna has such an averse reaction to having his soul touched by Mahito. He’s wearing women’s clothes when it happens. He’s likened to a hostess for it.

When we consider this and the quiet way misogyny and sexual assault is woven into this story… And how Gojo, the Strongest, was preyed on by older women. And how Yuki escaped having her body being used by someone much older than her by becoming strong. And how Rika, the Queen of Curses, is likely a victim of CSA by someone who was supposed to take care of her. And how Mai, a twin and a victim of CSA, creates a stronger twin by dying when she can no longer cope with her trauma.

I don’t like what this suggests for Sukuna at all.

Sukuna is willing to bond with all the other natural disaster cursed spirits, except Mahito. He himself became something akin to a natural disaster so it makes sense he liked the company of those like them. It’s him rejecting the strongest of the bunch because of how their CT violates others’ bodies is something I cannot overlook.

Jogo’s fire is so kind in comparison. The bodies he burns and the corpses he leaves cannot be defiled by anyone. It’s what would’ve prevented Geto’s body from being stolen. And hey! Sukuna returns the favor, burning Jogo in a way that prevents Kenjaku from absorbing him.

The easiest way for Sukuna to permanently scar and traumatize Yuji is to inflict sexual violence on him or his loved ones. JJK does not shy away from having rapists like Noaya and Kenjaku do just that. A common complaint from fans is Sukuna not trying to manipulate Yuji into working with him. JJK does not shy away from having groomers like Kenjaku, Mahito, and Mei Mei (and to an extent Tengen) do just that.

Sukuna is strong and clever enough to do these things, but he doesn’t. I think there’s more to this than a disinterest in sex.

Choso’s mother faced ostracization for her unique body that allowed her to give birth to hybrid children. With nowhere left to go she wound up at a temple for sorcerers. Kenjaku took advantage of her situation and body, partaking in her rape to satiate intellectual curiosity.

Sukuna faced ostracization as a child for his unique body that made him a great sorcerer. Just about everyone who knows him has tried to exploit his abilities for their benefit.

There’s a massive blank in this parallel. What happened to Sukuna growing up to make him this way? Every time I try to fill in that blank with the information we have now, I’m left with something deeply unpleasant.

When Sukuna has flashbacks, it only ever goes as far back to his time as Yujikuna. He verbally recounts his time in the womb and there’s nothing else. The first time we see Heian Era Sukuna in full, it’s from Yorozu’s memory. And if you recall…this introduction is him being sexually assaulted.

Sukuna’s fingers are scattered everywhere, fragments of himself are throughout the world and in a little bit of everyone. A curse that cannot be destroyed that only gets stronger with time. He’s something that was repressed despite everyone knowing he exists—a victim of sexual abuse.

Sukuna’s Backstory—Revised

Back when I theorized that Sukuna is an ex-slave, I deliberately withheld references to sexual abuse slaves are often subjected to because I felt it was too heavy for the post.

But seeing others theorize something that severe happened in part because of his CT’s name and spiritual pederasty practices at the time, makes me regret not including it. Please read the post by Tumblr user tangsakura that brought this to my attention.

Pederasty, if you do not know, refers to a boy having a sexual “relationship” with an older man sometimes as a form of “guidance”. The most known form of this originates from ancient Rome and Greece. I put “relationship” and “guidance” in quotations because children cannot consent to or grow from this kind of abuse.

Such a thing was common, sometimes socially accepted, systemic abuse in the ancient world. (Though a form of it exists to this day.) Japan partook in pederasty, even in certain types of Buddhist temples, prior to the Meiji Restoration in 1868. (Here’s a video source on it. Be warned it's pretty upsetting.)

And in most of these societies that accepted pederasty, a relationship between two men of equal standing was frowned upon or not tolerated at all. The imbalance of power and exploitation of children was the socially acceptable thing. Despite, you know, the resulting trauma and suicides of the victims.

As discussed in the linked video, the children at these temples were seen as pure and therefore closer to Buddha. Since celibacy between human monks was expected, fetishizing these children as gods allowed for the mental gymnastics to justify molesting them.

That’s not too surprising. Organized religion with massive followings all have it in common—the sexual abuse of minors and tolerating it or covering it up. What’s striking about this abuse is that it was considered important to or even necessary for enlightenment by some sects. Their suffering brought about enlightenment.

Mini crash course for those not familiar with Buddhism. There are 4 Noble Truths that are foundational to this religion. (Copy and pasted from Wikipedia.)

1) Dukkha: Suffering exists: Life is suffering. Suffering is real and almost universal. Suffering has many causes: loss, sickness, pain, failure, and the impermanence of pleasure.'Dukkha: Suffering exists: Life is suffering. Suffering is real and almost universal. Suffering has many causes: loss, sickness, pain, failure, and the impermanence of pleasure.

2) Samudaya: There is a cause of suffering. Suffering is due to attachment. It is the desire to have and control things. It can take many forms: craving of sensual pleasures; the desire for fame; the desire to avoid unpleasant sensations, like fear, anger or jealousy.

3) Nirodha: There is an end to suffering. Attachment can be overcome. Suffering ceases with the final liberation of Nirvana. The mind experiences complete freedom, liberation and non-attachment. It lets go of any desire or craving.

4) Magga: In order to end suffering, follow the Eightfold Path.

Per the 3rd Noble Truth, enlightenment comes from the end of suffering, not its continuation. The idea that suffering is needed for enlightenment contradicts this Truth. But that’s not surprising either. I was raised Protestant and I’ve got a whole laundry list of how that branch of Christianity seems to have ignored the basic fundamentals of Biblical text.

What I want to get into is the specific branch of Buddhism Sukuna appears to have been abused under—Tachikawa-ryū. Just as a heads up, information on this sect is limited as this person explains:

“Tachikawa practice became forbidden and the school’s ritual texts were destroyed. As a result, only a few original scriptures and rituals survived the persecution, which makes it very difficult nowadays to fully understand the teachings of the Tachikawa-ryū.”

(The wikipedia page is straight up missing citations so feel free to correct me if I get some stuff wrong.)

The destruction of records sounds exactly like what happened with Kenjaku and the Meiji girl. But the similarities don’t start or end there. This sect is accused of using human and animal skulls for rituals. And if you recall, Sukuna sits on a throne of oxen skulls. Other heretical acts included the consumption of meat, which at the time was forbidden. Another thing Sukuna loves to do.

But what this sect is most known for are the bizarre sex rituals needed for enlightenment. You know the thing Sukuna explicitly has no interest in. More excerpts about that from the non-wiki source:

“Since the idea of a world, created by the union of male (yang) and female (yin) elements, is the essence of cosmology in Tantrism, sexual union serves as the “real life” version of this dualism. In other words, sex is an effective way to achieve buddhahood in a relatively short amount of time (best case scenario: this life, “becoming a buddha in this very body (即身成仏 sokushin jōbutsu)”). Furthermore, much ink has flown on the description and discussion of a human skull ritual that involved sexual intercourse and the use of seminal and vaginal fluids to create an object of worship.”

This melding of male and female elements is everywhere in JJK. It’s a massive component of the reproductive horror too. Everything with Kenjaku is self explanatory. But Sukuna, who wears women’s clothes, is currently pregnant with the Merger, and has a gender ambiguous servant… He’s a part of this too.

It should also be noted that Tachikawa-ryū is actually a sub-sect of a sect. It originates from Shingon Buddhism. …Which was first introduced in the Heian Era.

Here are some quotes from the wiki article:

“The essence of Shingon practice is to experience the Dharmakaya, the ultimate reality, by emulating the inner realization of the Dharmakaya through the synchronized meditative ritual use of mantras, mudras (hand gestures) and visualization of mandalas.”

Oh hey that sounds like what Jujutsu Sorcerers do.

“The goma (護摩) fire ritual is an important and recognizable ritual in Shingon. The meaning of goma is to burn the firewood of delusion with the wisdom flame, consuming it completely.”

Oh hey that sounds like Sukuna’s fire CT.

“The most important Shingon mandalas are known as the Mandala of the Two Realms which are: The Womb Realm (Sanskrit: Garbhadhātu; Japanese: 胎蔵界曼荼羅, romanized: Taizōkai) mandala based on the Mahavairocana Sutra and the Diamond Realm (Sanskrit: Vajradhātu; Japanese: 金剛界曼荼羅, romanized: Kongōkai) mandala based on the Vajrasekhara Sutra.”

Oh hey that’s Kenjaku’s Domain.

I wasn’t raised any kind of Buddhist, so there’s probably a lot here I’m missing. My point here is that the symbolism and historical context are in line with Sukuna enduring some pretty horrific abuse as a child. It’s very likely that the way he behaves and thinks is one massive cope to rationalize what happened to him.

Identity and Trauma

Sukuna is a difficult character to grasp because he’s so unforthcoming in personal information. He’s not once introduced himself by name and reveals fragments about himself in very cryptic ways. Most of what we know about him is from other characters. (Much like how the original writings of Tachikawa-ryū are lost and the remaining info is sourced from outsiders.)

To better understand him, I’ve been working under the assumption that other characters reflect fragments of Sukuna that will eventually fall into place.

Sukuna is like Maki. Consuming his twin to survive and becoming stronger for it.

Sukuna is like Toji. Discriminated against for the way he was born, he becomes strong enough to separate himself from Jujutsu Society only to be dragged back in.

Sukuna is like Geto. Falling from grace and procuring a cult-like following.

Sukuna is like Todo. He’s completely self-centered and hates taking orders from those weaker than him.

Sukuna is like Mechamaru. Disfigured by birth, longing to connect with others, he finds himself at the end of a manipulative deal that promised him a second life.

Sukuna is like Kenjaku. He sees himself as above others and only wants equals for companionship. Other people are playthings for him to consume to stave off boredom.

Sukuna is like Mahito. Endlessly curious about the humans he was born of, he consumes their art and lives in an attempt to understand them.

Sukuna is like Yorozu. Obsessively pursuing a single person, trying to teach them love through violence.

Sukuna is like Yuji. Adapting to any situation with battle intuition like no other by understanding his opponent.

Sukuna is Gojo. I call them twin flames since they have the most in common. If you noticed, that homeless old man from Allegory in Darkness resembles Gojo a lot too. For this reason I often use Gojo as a reference to infer how Sukuna is as a character.

Gojo’s trauma that helped him reach his self-proclaimed enlightenment was Toji. And that was just normal assault. But let’s reframe that battle as something a little more abstract…

As a teenager Gojo has his Infinity, a barrier that kept him safe, forcibly penetrated by a much older man. This both kills him and awakens him to immense power that irreversibly changes him. His loved ones can no longer recognize him and his relationships are destroyed by this. His ability to feel pleasure and his sexuality are contorted in ways that others find deeply perverse.

This is the plot of Baby Reindeer—an extremely upsetting semi-autobiographical recounting of how the creator’s sexual trauma ruined his life.

But that’s not how everything is framed at first. The main character, Donny is introduced as a man trying to report his stalker, Martha, to the police.

Martha recognizes that Donny has been abused. Maybe not in the same way as her, but similar enough to the point where they become toxicly attached to each other. She stalks him and assaults him in what she believes to be acts of love. You both pity her for her circumstances and hate her for the destruction she causes.

That sounds like Sukuna doesn’t it?

Sukuna saw something in Gojo he can’t recognize in anyone else. And I think it’s much more than the loneliness that comes with being strong—It’s having your body violated and no one recognizing or taking your trauma seriously because you’re supposed to be strong.

Toji’s failed assassination attempt on Gojo resembles sexual assault in how Gojo reacts to the whole ordeal. He wants some kind of support but pushes everyone away. He craves touch but has a barrier to prevent it running 24/7. He both pities Toji and admires him, fears him and kills anything like him. His sexuality cannot be divorced from this incident, needing a good deal of violence to get off. It’s too similar to how Donny engages his own sexuality after his assault.

But to my knowledge, Gojo hasn’t been raped. He went through something that resembled it and Sukuna picked up on that. During their fight, Sukuna essentially dealt with that trauma. He became a sort of Toji that satisfied Gojo’s perverse needs while tearing through the very thing that had him targeted in the first place—Infinity.

This is the source suffering Sukuna seemingly liberates Gojo from with extreme violence like some kind of heretical Bodhisattva. There’s also something to be said about him using Mahoraga to do this.The Eight-Handled in its title is a reference to the Eightfold Path that’s to be followed in order to obtain enlightenment.

And they both have this trait in common—using violence to guide others towards enlightenment, a perversion of the 3rd Noble Truth. Gojo just calls it tough love.

(And notice how Megumi recalls both Sukuna and Gojo's words as he grows from a difficult fight.)

I know that Gojo does this because of his trauma with Toji and his own “growth” coming from it. It’s one of Gojo’s many destructive coping mechanisms. He’s stuck in the past trying to relive what was stolen from him. Like I mentioned before, Sukuna calls Gojo unenlightened for this. And if they’re twin flames, I have reason to believe Sukuna is the exact same way.

Sukuna finds Maki to be the most compelling of Gojo’s students. And I think there’s more to this than seeing a fellow monster in her. She’s what he wants to be.

Not only is Maki free of the sorcery that ruined their lives, she has confronted and dealt with her trauma. She killed the source of her suffering, the Zenins, and has accepted the death of her twin she was so dearly attached to. And unlike her mentors, Maki appears to be emotionally stable because she did this in spite of her trauma, not through it. The sumo guy's compassion is what guides her. In other words, she’s obtained enlightenment outside of violence.

Maki also succeeds where Toji failed. There isn’t anything left that would cause her to waver. She stays true to herself and remains enlightened.

That seems to be a recurring thing—characters deviating from their “enlightened” state through human connections that rouse their unresolved emotional issues and then dying. Toji’s projection of his trauma from Jujutsu Society onto Gojo gets him killed. Kenjaku’s desperation for companionship has Takaba create the perfect opening for Todo and Yuta’s ambush.

Sukuna has started to deviate from himself because of Yuji. And it’s probably because he’s projecting his trauma onto him. If that’s the reason both Toji and Kenjaku were felled, it’ll be the reason for Sukuna’s downfall too. Just like that old man under the bridge.

Sukuna and Yuji

Umineko no Naku Koro ni (When the Seagulls Cry) is a visual novel about a person who is fundamentally misunderstood by those around them. They desperately want to be loved without being perceived, believing themself to be unworthy due to trauma and immutable characteristics given to them at birth. Instead of telling anyone these feelings directly, they play games akin to torture. They torment the ones they love over and over in hopes they'll see through their actions and understand them.

I’ve always compared Sukuna to this character, but for this analysis I’ll be comparing him to another from Umineko—Rosa Ushiromiya.

The youngest of 4 from a rich conservative household, Rosa was subjected to physical and verbal abuse by her father and older siblings. As an adult around them she cowers. She shows her abusers respect they don’t deserve because of her social standing within the family and tolerates their jeering.

But with her little 9 year old daughter who can’t fight back? She beats her the moment she makes any mistake. As she beats this child she screams about how everything is her fault. Rosa projects her financial woes, her childhood abuse, and systemic misogyny all onto this child that never asked to be born. She blames this child for her own shortcomings that keep her tethered to her abusers year after year.

The sad thing is that Rosa doesn’t realize why she’s doing this. She is unable to come to terms with her own trauma and remains stuck in the cycle of abuse as both a victim and a perpetrator, unable to spare her daughter from it.

Knowing that Sukuna and Yuji are blood uncle and nephew. And knowing that by technicalities, Yuji would be genetically recognized as Sukuna’s son…I see that kind of hurt in their relationship.

Sukuna is a very good liar. Most take him at his word. He says that he hates Yuji for his ideals—how he puts his life on the line in service to others. The things Megumi, Higuruma, and Gojo do as well. And yet Sukuna admires them. Todo sacrifices himself to prop up Yuji and save Hana. Sukuna calls him a true sorcerer for this. It’s not unreasonable to conclude that Sukuna isn’t being honest about why he hates Yuji.

I think it’s because Yuji is somehow linked to Sukuna’s trauma through no fault of his own. And because Yuji is easier to target, Sukuna uses him as an outlet.

We’ve seen this scenario play out before in JJK. Mai lashes out at Maki instead of Naoya or all the other men like Naobito who enabled or partook in her abuse because it’s the safer thing to do. She doesn’t actually hate Maki. She hates what she has to endure at the Zenin Clan and sees it as inevitable. Fighting back is scary and she really hates doing that. If the manga didn’t make that clear, the CFYOW: Thorny Road at Dawn, Chapter 4: Advancing in the Face of Fear sure does.

Yuji isn’t a cage to Sukuna because he chose to be this way. Kenjaku made him for it and even manipulated him into ingesting the fingers. But you know, Yuji is someone Sukuna can attack without consequence.

I do not know if Kenjaku is the person who abused Sukuna or if Kenjaku merely resembles the person who abused Sukuna. Kenjaku is older than Sukuna, has a fascination with him, and has manipulated him. There are plenty of other characters that have been traumatized by Kenjaku.

Whatever the true nature of their relationship is, Sukuna is choosing to attack a symptom of his restriction instead of its source. He’s behaving no different than Mai or Rosa which leads me to believe there’s something deeper to his hatred of Yuji.

Yuji’s Role

I think that Yuji is aware something terrible happened to Sukuna. He’s not really sure what. The type of abuse Sukuna likely went through is not common historical knowledge even in Japan.

For the longest time, Yuji regarded Sukuna as a curse and denied him his humanity. But as of JJK 265, Yuji treats Sukuna like a human. He takes him through his memories and plays little games with him. He rejects the cog mentality Mahito groomed him into and says this:

“I could very well be doing the wrong thing here. So I thought I should at least let you see the humanity of someone other than yourself.”

Yuji is admits that his approach to Sukuna may be flawed.

And flawed it is. This entire chapter and offer Yuji makes to Sukuna might be one of the cruelest things he has done so far and he isn’t even aware of it. Yuji is recounting a pleasant childhood full of love and quiet moments. That’s something Sukuna didn’t have because it was taken away for reasons beyond his control.

This accidental cruelty isn’t anything new. It happens right before Junpei dies to an ability that resembles sexual assault. Yuji reaches out to him and asks what’s wrong. He notices something is off and tries to console Junpei through it.

And here he apologizes for saying something so insensitive. He didn’t know, but he had to ask. Sukuna was there to see that.

I think that's what Sukuna wants from him. He wants Yuji to acknowledge he was hurt. To recognize that something happened to him and offer something like he did with Junpei. It’s a bit odd that he humors Yuji’s kindness towards him instead of immediately opening his domain as a counter. This could be an explanation for that.

Yuji hasn’t given Sukuna the same treatment yet. In fact he’s done the exact opposite thing he does with other people. Yuji usually lets his opponent yap at him and meets them as they are. This time, Yuji is the one who does the bulk of the talking and he doesn’t give Sukuna a chance to open up about himself.

That’s not his fault at all. He’s 15 and it’s not his job. The reason he thought Sukuna was a curse for so long is because everyone else told him he wasn’t human and Sukuna never denied it. But just like with Junpei, Yuji did something really insensitive.

Yuji showed Sukuna pity then told him to die or go back into his cage.

People picked up on Yuji being posed like the Fallen Lucifer painting. I think it’s deliberate this offer is being framed as villainous. If Sukuna is outright revealed to be a former slave or a victim of CSA, on reread this would come across as wicked.

It wouldn’t be the first time a scene goes from hype to depressing on reread. I loved watching Yuji and Nobara grow as they killed Eso and Kezichu. After Choso? That fight breaks my heart. Yuji has been manipulated into killing his own brothers and he didn’t even know it.

Yuji’s status as a cage is likely reminiscent of whatever bound Sukuna to the abuse in the first place. And that’s what he’s offering. Death or existing in that state you could argue is much worse than death—a state where his body does not belong to him. Where he is forced to watch a normalish life he can’t have play out for the one tormenting him.

The anger Sukuna displays at Yuji for this is something we’ve only seen him lob towards Mahito. Hell, it’s the same kind of face Yuji makes at Mahito.

I think it’s also telling that Sukuna couldn’t feel anything towards the small things in life. That’s common for anyone who has undergone immense trauma. He was rather cordial about trying this stuff out until Yuji gave his ultimatum.

I’m sure Yuji would give Sukuna more grace if he’d just be honest with his feelings. But this guy is no different than Gojo. He bottles everything up and gets mad at others for not intuiting he’s about to explode.

Strength and Masculinity

Baki the Grappler. This is a manga where men destroy each other’s bodies as a test of strength. It’s poorly written but the art is terrifying and I love it so dearly. Between fights of extreme violence and body horror the characters eat. And that’s it. That’s the manga.

I’ve brought this series up before when discussing how fights can be used as a dialogue between characters. In Baki, many of those combat convos ask the following:

What is strength? What does it mean to be strong?

What is a man? What does it mean to be a man?

Various characters will answer in their own ways. But I want to focus on the man who seeks to challenge death.

This is a man, who after being raped feels like he’s less of a man. And he thinks that others will see him as less of a man if he ever admits to it. (This happens in Baby Reindeer too.)

In a misogynistic society, women are expected to tolerate sexual assault. Their identity is often linked to experiencing it. Men are expected to be perpetrators of it, not victims. This is why this character calls his rape being shown “the woman within him”.

Echoing this sentiment, Sukuna, in women’s clothing, is quite literally referred to as a girl when Mahito touches him without permission. It’s also treated as a joke. The Baki character doesn’t fare any better in fanspaces. If you mention his name, someone will eventually reply “Yujiro Rapes Mid Diff”. It’s got an abbreviation too: “YRMD”. A little in-joke since the fandom at large refuses to take his assault seriously.

This is probably why Sukuna refuses to even hint at his abuse. It fundamentally conflicts with his identity. He’s the strongest sorcerer in all of history who would be mocked for being a victim. After all, he did just that to Junpei and torments Yuji over his helplessness. He perpetuates the cycle of shame to protect himself even though he’d benefit more from dismantling it.

And there’s another reason Sukuna wouldn’t be forthcoming with his trauma—predators will take advantage of this vulnerability and revictimize people. It’s often why those who escape abusive relationships find themselves in another. Straight up, that’s why it’s considered safer to not list out your traumas and mental illnesses on dating apps. It’s safer not to trust.

But still, this is something you eventually have to disclose with anyone you’re trying to connect with. Otherwise they won’t understand you or why certain things send you into a panic. And that’s the problem. When is it safe to do that? When can you tell someone of this thing that makes you so vulnerable? It’s not like you can show up to a first date and go, “Hi, I was abused as a child. I need to make sure you’re not going to hurt me. If your voice rises above a certain pitch I’m going to cry on the spot.” If that somehow doesn’t sour the mood, they now have the exact tools to hurt you with. That’s scary as hell.

Sukuna has been destroying absolutely anyone that can have power over him, despite him craving companionship from those of equal strength. Gojo did this same song and dance with anything that resembled Toji until it killed him. It’s a consequence of a coping mechanism this toxic. As long as they are strong, they can’t be hurt like that again. And because they are strong they must endure solitude. The loneliness is worth being safe.

Yuji’s approach to trauma is the polar opposite. He faces it and deals with it. In the same way Mahito forces sorcerers to see the worst of humanity they’ve been overlooking, Yuji is forcing Sukuna to reckon with something he’s been repressing for centuries. This is why Yuji can strike at his soul.

Outliers

This section is for characters I don’t know how to fit into the rest of this analysis and should be considered because of their direct relationships to Sukuna.

Megumi

Sukuna is rather merciful with his kills compared to other characters like Kenjaku. When he’s done playing with someone, they die. He’ll even be respectful about it in his strange little way. Megumi is the sole exception to this, putting him in a very weird spot with the rest of this analysis.

Sukuna forced himself into Megumi’s body through incarnation and has subjugated his soul. And though this has been better for combat as he wanted, Sukuna is noticeably more miserable. Yujikuna before the Culling Games is still the happiest we’ve seen Sukuna. Whether this is from Megumi’s gloominess influencing him or Sukuna no longer having a goal to work towards or Sukuna incidentally retraumatizing himself by repeating the cycle remains to be seen. Maybe it’s all of this at once.

This is probably one of those things that will make more sense to me with more information. For now, I’ll focus on how Megumi’s name means blessing. Sukuna stole Gojo’s Blessing and destroyed it. And if Sukuna is Gojo, he has also destroyed his Blessing.

That kind of makes sense. Mahoraga, a representation of the path to enlightenment, has been destroyed by Sukuna’s actions as Megkuna. Adaptation is something that could’ve kept Sukuna entertained for a very long time since it would evolve with him. It could’ve also killed him and set him free. But he squandered that blessing when used it to satisfy Gojo instead.

Uraume

Uraume is also in a weird spot. They can gauge Sukuna’s mood by his CE and anticipate his needs in an instant. And yet Sukuna doesn’t feel fully understood by them.

That’s mostly Sukuna’s fault. He didn’t disclose he was a twin to them for over 1,000 years, so it’s unlikely they know the extent of his trauma. However, Uraume dresses like a monk and has the androgynous features considered desirable in the child acolytes that were abused in historical Japan. This could mean they went through something similar to Sukuna and share that connection. It would explain why Sukuna is so gentle towards them compared to other characters.

In other words, Sukuna should be able to trust them of all people with his trauma. They’re loyal and have always been there for him. So why won’t he do that?

Looking at Gojo's relationships for an explanation, this kind of reminds me of how Gojo blew off Shoko’s friendship after Geto left. If someone that close to Gojo could betray him, why would Shoko be any different? Plus he’s stronger the more alone he is. And strong people don’t need help with their emotions. (Cue increasingly contradictory and destructive behavior stemming from a combination of trauma and toxic masculinity fuelled by questionable practices based in religion.)

Yuji differs from Uraume in how he has directly shown Sukuna time and time again that he is a person who can be trusted. Everyone who has admitted their trauma to him has been taken seriously. Sukuna sat there and watched Yuji’s soul never once stray from compassion. He may hate this about him, but Sukuna seems to know he is the safest person to be open with. I think this is why Yuji is being framed as the one to guide Sukuna towards true enlightenment. (Aka addressing your trauma instead of burying it until you no longer understand how it is influencing your actions.)

In conclusion…

I want to emphasize that I am trying to explain why Sukuna is the way he is. To do so I’ve been rather assertive about his trauma despite it remaining unrevealed.

I’m certain something really awful happened to Sukuna. Exactly what I don’t know, but it’s likely something worse than what all the other named characters have experienced. I can say this with relative confidence because of this:

Sukuna himself suggests he has suffered more than Yuji.

Gege has been very careful not to show extreme instances of child abuse outright. If any of this gets confirmed, it’ll likely be vague.

But as it currently stands, I think you can read Sukuna as a victim of CSA. This sort of thing has always been in the manga, it’s just hard to see it.

#cactus yaps #This is another one of those please for the love of fudge read the content warnings I’m not messing around.#I never want to write about this topic again.#Had Lie Alaia playing on loop in my head as I realized what the hell was going on.#I know inspirations for JJK have been listed out but are we Sure Gege hasn’t read Umineko?#Gege! Directly reference Umineko and my life is yours!#jjk spoilers #jujutsu kaisen #jjk meta #mahito #itadori yuji #ryomen sukuna

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mysticpenguincreation · 3 months

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okay. im going to post again and break my own promise because i also want to address another side of the argument.

people saying how they can’t watch part 2 now because luke manipulated the fans and they feel that the magic is ruined.

remember. we are talking about real people here. they are not the fictional characters they play on screen. let’s go over this one by one, i LOVE making numbered lists for arguments:

1. Luke and Nicola provided us with a fabulous tour. They owe us NOTHING.

It’s US who should be greatfull to them for doing hard work. A long press tour with that amount of promotion must have been absolutely exhausting no matter how much you love your job.

2. Luke isn’t obliged to fall in love with Nic and date Nic.

3. Nic isn’t obliged to fall in love with Luke and date Luke.

4. MULTIPLE times they addressed the fact that they are good friends. People were giddy making gifs saying “no, ur lying”.

Now imagine someone coming up to you and saying “You’re in love with me”. You answer “No i’m not”. They tell you “Nah, you’re lying”. It’s all in good fun until it grows into a straight up disrespectful delusion.

5. The personal life of actors shouldn’t affect how you feel about fictional characters. ESPECIALLY if they did not a fucking thing wrong. I wish really creepy and predotary people in the industry got at least half of the shit Luke is going through right now because Luke dared to have a fucking relationship. Or a relationship not with Nic.

6. We should be thankful to Nic and Luke for being kind, professional and respectful. We should be in love with their beautiful friendship, and not push either of them to cater to desires of fans who cannot, will not, do not want to distinguish between show and real fucking life. They have no obligation to you to start dating because their onscreen counterparts did and you liked it.

7. Again, I do not want to speculate. I have no idea if it was their decision or if it was PR. If they were encouraged to hide their relationship during promotion (imagine waiting this fucking long), or if they were encouraged to show that they’re together right after the show dropped. I do not know AND IT DOES NOT MATTER. Even the idea of restraining your personal life due to PR is sad and makes me sick. I hope they’re just going with the flow, staying true to themselves and are being HAPPY.

“Was it a wrong PR decision?” does not fucking matter because it should be their fucking decision to begin with. The fact that PR is created for this exact reason - to do damage control when people lose their shit over something normal is bind-boggling. It is insane that we came to this fucking point in human history.

8. The phrase “Luke’s hard launch” disgusts me. Fans are talking about Antonia like she’s an object and not a real person. JUST STOP!

9. Try to be fucking kind and touch the fucking grass once in a while. Grass is lovely - take Penelope’s advice.

Seeing this makes me think that the comments are coming from two groups of people:

1. Toxic stan’s who want Nic with Luke and can’t grasp the idea that they are not their characters. “Luke is a lot like Colin” from interviews does not fucking equal “Luke is in love with Nic”. Following this delulu logic he should have fallen for Claudia then because they said multiple times that Claudia is a lot like Pen and Nic is a lot like Eloise. There is no fucking connection in these statements. Fucking none.

2. People who loved the idea of Luke being single because it allows them to fantasize about Luke falling in love with them. It’s okay, we’ve all had celebrity crushes, but when it gets to the point of you throwing hate at the person, it becomes creepy and unhealthy.

To all the haters and “sympathizers” - get some help and get your shit together.

#bridgerton #bridgerton season 3 #polin #luke newton #nicola coughlan #next time i open luke’s tag i hope to see praise for his acting or singing skills and adoring comments and compliments on how hot he is #i’m about to lose my fucking mind and throw some hands #a week from now and we all will fucking forget this shitstorm even existed #but i doubt that luke or antonia will #i just hope they are not fucking aware of this shit #this is delulu in me talking #at least i hope they are not reading comments

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brabblesblog · 4 months

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𝕽𝖊𝖒𝖊𝖒𝖇𝖊𝖗 𝖞𝖊 𝖓𝖔𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖒𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘.

Chapter 16: What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.

A sequel to Whither is thy beloved gone? (AO3)

After the events of ‘Whither is thy beloved gone?’ Lord Astarion Ancuńin and his consort wife navigate their relationship anew. The ghosts of the past - his, hers, and theirs - threaten to unravel everything they’ve worked for.

Astarion and Ban attend the debutante's ball.

Professionally edited and collaborated on by my dearest friend <3 @editing-by-night

Read on AO3.

Masterlist

Art by Naaty

For a smutty render go to the AO3 link :P

She sat at the table, watching the debutante pass by. Corrinne glided by in a massive pink tulle gown - a showstopper, for sure, Ban thought - a gaggle of her friends trailing behind her.

The party hadn’t been too bad, all told, the food decent and the wine palatable. Astarion had disappeared sometime during the proceedings, arm in arm with Meiros. She’d been introduced to the master of the mirror-makers’ guild, had shaken his hand and smiled politely, but the man had seemed keen on holding negotiations with her husband alone. Astarion had shot her an apologetic look and left, but hadn’t protested at all, which was odd.

It was not an uncommon occurrence - some of the people they dealt with did not mind having her present, but inevitably some did. The first time someone had asked for Astarion to keep his spouse waiting outside he had seethed, about to launch into a tirade, when she had grabbed his wrist and told him to just go along with it - it would be quick, and it would be easier than offending someone they needed to cozy up to.

He had given her a long-winded talk that evening. She sipped her glass, smiling ruefully at the memory.

“What is the point,” he thundered, “of all this effort to mark you as my equal, if at the first sign of resistance you give in?”

She watched him tug off his shirt, tossing it away with a little more venom than he normally would. “I just think that some of the time we have to let them have their way. Easier than arguing and potentially losing out on-”

“I don’t care!” Astarion marched to her, placing his palms on the tub and leaning over where she was soaking. “We are to be wed soon. I would not have those morons think you’re…” he gestured with a hand, “you’re still some…”

“Consort? I mean, we still do use that term, at times.” Not in private, not in most circumstances, but in certain circles, yes.

He exhaled. “Consort, fine, when we must. Some plaything of mine, absolutely not.” Crimson burned into her, his anger evident, with lingering traces of guilt as well. She covered the hand grasping the tub with her own.

“Consorts can wait outside for their lords, Astarion, every once in a while. It’s fine.”

He deflated, eyes softening. “I’d still want to at least insist on your presence being invaluable to me.”

“If those people want me out of the room, saying so would merely make you seem weak.”

Astarion tugged off his trousers and underwear, grumbling to himself. He stepped into the tub and sat down, still glaring at her. “I’ve half a mind to invite whoever asks that of me to a party, lock all the doors, and…”

He let the thought sit, a small smirk dancing across his lips. She laughed. “Do that, and we’ll have all the nobles of Baldur’s Gate on our tails. Don’t.”

“The request you plan to make, if you do make it, can easily be done,” Meiros said, tapping his hands on the mahogany desk he was seated at. Astarion was pacing back and forth, rubbing his chin. “If I understand correctly - this is for your wife, is it not?”

“Which is why I asked you to request to meet me alone,” Astarion answered.

Meiros nodded. “Roderich hasn’t been the most active member the past few years, something his fellow guildmates and I are frankly pleased about. When I found out you were marrying a Glasscraft, I had assumed I would never see you outside my door, so imagine my surprise when you showed up.”

“And I suppose no one has seen any Glasscraft other than Roderich himself?”

“You’d be correct. There was only ever him. Oh, he used to say he had a loving wife at home, and two wonderful children to take over his business, but,” Meiros shrugged, “as I said. He stopped showing up to guild events. He’s still well-known, of course, with his gaggle of old, loyal customers, but we all assumed he was working on some new secret method or some such. When I heard about Barcus’ advancements in the mines, I thought Roderich might have already gotten his hands on that material.”

Astarion stopped pacing to lean on a chair, hands wrapped around its back. “Last time I purchased a mirror from him he was still harping on mercury being the best.”

“Then he is woefully behind.” Meiros stood up. “Well. If you do wish to push this through, I would be more than delighted to fulfill your request. I’m sure most of the members would have no complaints, either. A pleasure doing business with you, Lord Ancunín.”

The men shook hands.

Ban saw the side door open and Meiros walked in, followed by Astarion. The talks seemed to have gone well; they were chatting animatedly. She watched as he waved his daughter over to be introduced. Corrinne flounced to her father’s side, or at least attempted to - the rather large skirt bumped people’s legs as she passed - and finally arrived in front of the two men.

The girl’s eyes widened as she took in Astarion, and Ban smirked inwardly. He kissed Corrinne’s hand and her face flushed beet red. Ban leaned back, enjoying the show, sipping her wine absently; with Astarion’s mind unlinked from hers, it merely tasted dull.

It was fine. She knew her husband was accustomed to shallow admirers, and Ban was used to people who’d look at him, look at her, and deem her unworthy of him - just like Corrinne was doing now. Ban caught that furtive glare aimed her way, the quick up-and-down movement that told her the girl was sizing her up and found her lacking, and the satisfied grin on her face as she turned back to Astarion. Nothing new, nothing surprising, and nothing he couldn’t handle.

She found herself scanning the rest of the room, more than a little bored. She noted Meiros talking to another guest, gesturing towards Astarion. Likely he was discussing whatever their meeting had been about. The other guest looked intrigued, and Ban pondered again what her husband could be up to with the guild. She continued her visual roam around the party, finding nothing else of note taking place.

As her eyes made their way back to them, her husband’s eyes locked onto hers, and she raised her glass in greeting, amused. She was about to lean back and continue watching when she realized that Astarion hadn’t moved - was frozen, in fact. The pinched eyes, that slight part of his lips, and the furrow of his brow told her all she needed to know. In the same instant she recognized it, she felt his mind prod hers.

There were no words, just a flash of memory - from mere seconds ago, gauging by the expression on his face.

Corrinne laughed, bending over to do so, making sure Astarion received an eyeful of her rather ample bosom. She grabbed his shoulder. “Oh, sorry, Lord Astarion. I didn’t mean to. It’s just these shoes…” She made a show of falling off-balance, likely a little more drunk than she ought to be, and he automatically caught her elbow to steady her. The size of her skirt meant that to do so Astarion had to lean in somewhat, and she took the opportunity to step closer to his body, the skirt bunching up between them.

Meiros had already walked away, talking to a passing guest. Corrinne shot Astarion a coy look; Astarion - and through him, Ban - felt her thigh press between his legs, hidden by the voluminous dress. Corrine ran her hand from his shoulder to his neck - Ban felt him shiver - and then dragged her nails down his chest to his hip. The thigh pressed against him harder. “We could sneak away for a few minutes, handsome,” she purred. “I don’t think your wife would mind.”

The effect was instantaneous. His thoughts flicked through old, haunting memories, his grip on her tightening incrementally. There was a boiling rage, a near-overwhelming urge to snap Corrinne’s neck - held back solely by the fact that he needed to be in Meiros’ good graces and the presence of the countless guests at the party.

“I am not interested,” he ground out, a sneer pasted on his face, “regardless of whether or not she would mind.”

Ban felt his impotent rage shifting into panic, held at bay and hidden behind the veneer of his cold dismissal. His breathing hitched, pulse picking up, posture stiffening; something that Corrinne seemed to have interpreted as interest, despite his words. She kept talking.

Ban’s eyes snapped back to him. He was still staring at her, expression blank, holding Corrinne’s elbow while she chattered away. Ban’s hand instinctively closed around the hilt of the sword she wasn’t carrying, bile rising in her throat. She felt warm all over, enraged, but in a way she’d never felt before. The feeling was completely foreign and it took her utterly by surprise, but it also felt like it was something that had always been a part of her, lying dormant until this moment.

She stood up.

As she began cutting her way through the crowd, Meiros wandered even further away, heading for the guest’s table. Thanking the gods for that small blessing, Ban reached Astarion’s side. She cleared her throat, leveling a searing glare at the vapid young woman and then at her hand, still caressing Astarion’s hip. “Kindly take your hand off my husband, if you want to keep it attached to your body.”

Corrine looked down at her, nose wrinkling. “You must be Missus Ancunín,” she said, offering a dainty hand, the same one she’d been touching him with. She had not backed away from Astarion, her body still pressed against his.

Ban did not take the proffered hand. “Indeed I am, and that’s my husband you are clinging to. How… unbecoming. You must be drunk, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt,” Ban replied coolly, “because I assume, were you in control of your faculties, you wouldn’t dream of offending your father’s guests in this manner. I’m quite sure your father would take a very dim view of you accosting his business partner with that thigh, Corrinne.”

She blanched, blinking furiously. “I- um…”

“Put your leg down, and take a step back. Unless you want me to either tell your father you’ve just groped a married man, who has important business dealings with him, or you want to wake up bloodied and broken on this ballroom floor. Either way,” she smiled pleasantly, “I’ll be the one going home with him. He is not yours, Corinne, and never will be.”

Through it all she could feel Astarion slowly calming. He slipped his hand away from Corrinne, trembling ever so slightly. As Ban finished speaking and Corinne stepped back, he finally moved, taking a step towards her.

Ban took his hand. He seemed to look at the ring on her finger for a long moment, then turned to the debutante. “Corrinne. Have a wonderful evening.” The words were completely devoid of emotion, and Ban felt a chill run up her spine.

She linked her arm through his and led the way, him trailing silently. Ban searched for somewhere private to take him. She spied a door, slightly ajar, and made a beeline for it, slipping in and shutting it behind them the moment they were inside.

It was a small study, and she immediately located an armchair. Her eyes returned to her husband’s face. He looked lost and a little scared; his eyes were blank, as if he wasn’t even in there.

“Are you okay?”

He blinked, then his expression snapped into one of chilly indifference. She noted it, the way his jaw clenched and was forcibly relaxed. “Fine,” he said, the falseness clear as day. He tugged at his sleeve. “That was nothing new. I’ve had my fair share of advances, and that was one of the most amateur attempts I’ve ever seen - to be expected of course, given her youth. One would ideally press their thigh in a grinding motion, not ram it straight up,” he scoffed.

She guided him towards the armchair. “Sit, Astarion.” He did so, but his mouth kept moving, a desperate attempt at feigning nonchalance.

“Of course I could have simply told her not to, or pushed her off, or threatened her - a million options, really - however, offending her father would not have been ideal for our plans. I-”

She knelt in front of him and grasped both of his hands. “Look at me. Take a deep breath, and just look at me.”

He trailed off, chest rising and falling far too rapidly for her liking. “I said I’m fine.”

“You are fine. You’re safe.” She kept her hands on his, avoiding touching him anywhere else, unsure what he could tolerate at the moment.

“Safe,” he repeated. “A fine sentiment, but we never really are, are we?” His shoulders finally sagged, the proud arch of his brow falling as his eyes fell shut. “It’s been more than a year since I’ve been… his, but it still haunts me as if it were merely yesterday.”

The trappings of power, of riches and decadent luxury - none of it mattered when he was faced with the memories of endless hands on him, of thighs pressed between his legs, of needing to slip deep into his mind to escape. It had been one thing to let the twins touch him and sit in his lap to maintain his facade in front of the other vampire lord - it was quite another to be randomly accosted and treated like property when he least expected it.

Ban looked at him, pained. “You were a slave for centuries, my love. It will take more than a year to recover from that. Things will get easier, but sometimes something will remind you of… before, and then it will come back. But I’ll always be here, to help you, to protect you when you need it.”

He smiled, leaning forwards to touch his forehead to hers; she sighed in relief.

“You’d think I’d remember that, but it always catches me off-guard.”

“It does so for me as well.” He sighed as she spoke and his breath fanned over her face. It was slowing, thankfully. “Can I…” she trailed off, and he opened his eyes. He gave a small huff of assent and her arms wrapped around him, pulling him into a tight hug.

“You never have to ask, but I find myself grateful that you do.”

He was nestled between her breasts, eyes wide open. The slow ruffling of Ban’s hand through his hair was comforting, although the strands tickled his eyes. He shifted, placing his chin flat on her sternum. Ban returned his gaze.

“Decided you want to read more?” she asked.

“Wasn’t much help.” He rolled over, but grabbed the book anyway. It had been laying facedown on the page he’d given up at. “But I suppose I could give it another shot.” He propped the book on his chest as he leaned against the headboard.

She glanced at him. “I trust your conversation with Meiros went well, at least?”

He grunted, flipping to another page. She waited for a response - none came.

“And?”

He flipped another page, far too fast to actually be reading it. “And things are proceeding as planned. Like I’ve said, Ban. Let me handle it.” There it was again, that edge in his voice.

He hadn’t spoken much after the party. They had gone home, and bathed, but he’d been mostly silent throughout. She’d given him his space, scrubbed him down and allowed him to wash her as they usually did, but then they’d gone to bed and he’d immediately buried himself in his book with nary a word in her direction.

She bit back the urge to simply ignore his distress and leave him be. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Crimson eyes flicked over her for a second - she noted the way his gaze raked over her features, another tell - and he exhaled. “The novel is trite, dry, and the heroine dully heroic.”

Ban covered her face with her hands, choking back a frustrated groan. Do better. “That’s not what I asked, and we both know it. This… isn’t about Corrinne, is it? Or if it is, there’s more.”

Astarion snapped the book shut. It was uncommon for her to see his ire nowadays, much less to be the object of it, but there it was. He exhaled through his nose. “You loathed it when I prodded you. Must you do the same?”

The response died in her mouth. She wasn’t sure how to address it - in the past, stoking the fires of his anger had been a thoughtless thing, fighting back with barbed words second nature - but not anymore. Not that she didn’t feel the petty desire to do so rising in her throat, but she couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

She thought for a moment, choosing her next words with care. “Just as I’ve learned to try to open up to you, I hope you will do the same for me.” Taking the book from his hands, she set it down and leaned over. “May I?”

At his nod, she laid over his chest, her head settling against his heart. “You don’t need to. I just want you to feel better,” she murmured.

He was quiet, reaching over to pick the book back up again. The minutes passed, one to ten to thirty, the only sound the occasional turning of pages and the scratch of his fingers against paper, his breathing, and the painfully fast heartbeat thrumming beneath her ear.

She waited.

“No use feigning sleep,” Astarion finally drawled. “You’re mad, aren’t you?”

“Frustrated. Concerned. Not mad.” She felt him shift, his muscled chest rippling under her as he placed an arm under his head, the book still in the other.

“Now you know how it feels,” he said under his breath. As he did so his pulse hammered harder, and Ban decided enough was enough. She placed a hand on his chest, beside her face, watching the ring glint in the moonlight.

“Does that give you some sort of satisfaction? Because I’d understand if it did. But I’d prefer we talk about it.”

That took him by surprise. His eyes locked onto her, wide. She met them without hesitation, watching his expression soften as he finally gave in.

“One - I have no idea who I married a tenday ago, because I’m not exactly sure it’s the Ban I knew.” He laughed humorlessly. “Two - it might be silly,” he looked away, “but I’d thought this would all be… if not over, at least… lessened.”

He set the book down by his side and wrapped an arm around her. “I’m no idiot. I am aware it doesn’t ever truly fade away, but today it caught me unawares.”

“I can’t blame you for that. You haven’t had any encounters like that in a while, nor should you have to expect them in the first place.” The hand on his chest closed into a fist. “If it were not for her father I’d have beaten her where she stood.”

He shrugged. “That’s… not my concern at the moment.” Ban sighed - she had been right. There was more.

“Then what is it?”

She watched his lips part, fangs peeking as he licked his lips nervously. “I worry that in a century, or in five centuries, this will still happen. That it will keep happening again and again, in moments when I least expect it. I will freeze as I did today. It will feel like nothing has changed, no matter how much time has passed. I may never fully…heal.” He took a deep breath, her head rising and falling with it, his heart racing as he finally spoke the fears he’d been haunted by the past few hours. “You’d be spending eternity bound to a pathetic, broken, man.”

Ban shook her head; she couldn’t help taking offense. “I fell in love with you the way you are. Why worry about that? Do you think I’m still that selfish, that I still require you to be a certain way to love you? Because - well, I understand and I’m still working on it, but truly?”

“No. I merely pity you for having to deal with it. I thought the wedding would…” a growl ripped through him, “...would at least fix something.”

“A wedding doesn’t guarantee everything will be sunshine afterwa-”

“Well it should!”

She flinched. He tightened his grip on her. “I worry about how this will affect us, in the long term.” He raised her hand to the light, admiring the ring on her finger. “Affect our marriage. I could not forgive myself if I lost this simply because I couldn’t let go of the ghosts of the past. I worry that I will whittle your patience down into nothing; that with each incident I further drain the wellspring of your heart dry.”

“Astarion.” He let her hand go, eyes snapping back to her face. “Listen. When I made my vows, they were made for both the good and the bad. I love you. All of you. That includes this, and whatever other worries you have. I love you-” she poked his chest, “and everything that comes with you, ghosts included. Maybe it will take a century, or five, or maybe it will never fully heal. But either way, I will be here, and I will help you, and protect you, and love you through it all. No matter how many Corinnes come our way.” She poked the tip of his nose. He wrinkled it in response, apparently still unwilling to let his pique go.

“There will be many, Ban. There will always be more. Men and women, everywhere we go. Unwelcome as it is,” and there it was again, the way his eyes scanned her face, “they will keep coming. They will keep seeing you as a trivial obstacle in their path, and they will be wrong, but they will think it and try all the same.”

“And that bothers you, because…”

“Does it not bother you?”

It was her turn to look away. She was silent for a beat. “It does. A lot.”

“Oh, it does?” His mouth showed the beginnings of a small snarl. “You seem wholly unfazed by it. Ban, always the picture of indifference, even as some woman-”

“I wanted to rip her head off! Is that what you want to hear?”

He froze, then the edges of his lips curled into a satisfied smirk. “Precisely that, yes. You never understood, thinking it was the mere desire to own you that ruled me.”

Ban shifted, resting her chin on his sternum. He took a deep breath. “I made mistakes. I sought to keep you in a way that was twisted. But some of it…” he seemed to have finally cooled off, softly stroking her cheek, “...some of it I still feel was valid.”

“Halsin.”

Astarion nodded. “There is… was, a lot of indignation due to the fact that you brought me to his camp, without feeling it necessary to tell me why, or anything else at all, for that matter. That you didn’t respect me, or us, enough to communicate.” He bit his lip, and she shook her head.

“I won’t be mad, or punish you. Please. Keep going.”

“I thought you wished to rekindle whatever you two had, whether it be for a tryst or for something more serious. At the time I said you were not mine to hoard in such a manner, but…”

She felt him tense underneath her, and nuzzled his chest encouragingly. He ran his hands through the back of her hair in silent gratitude.

“You understand that some of what I felt was warranted, do you not?” He searched her face, and she reached up to cup his cheek. “Please.” He shut his eyes. “Tell me you do.”

“I do. The idea that you could be taken from me, even unwillingly… It made me so angry. Just seeing her touch you… I think it finally sank in.” She cleared her throat. “I understand that taking you to Halsin like that was uncalled for, and you deserved better. I handled it especially badly, given the fact that he and I…”

He flapped a hand. “That we have talked about. It was the visit that I’ve never dared bring up.”

“You worried that I’d leave you over it.”

“That, and that you wouldn’t understand.” He opened his eyes again, met hers with a sad smile. He ruffled her hair. “You’ve spent so long bristling under men who sought to own you that you never learned that belonging to someone can also be a beautiful thing. I have been yours throughout our time together, and it has given me nothing but safety, care, and love.”

She stared at him for a long moment. “You… that was legitimately the last thing I expected to hear from you.”

“I spent two centuries learning what it meant to be someone’s property,” he reminded. “Cazador owned me. I belong to you. There’s a vast difference. And you? You are mine.” The last word was growled, and Ban felt heat pool between her legs. He lifted her hand, the one with his ring on it. “Belonging to you is no curse, binding myself to you no hardship. That is what I wish for you to comprehend - that my jealousy is not monstrous, as misguided as my first times feeling it were.”

“You want what we have to be respected. By me, by everyone.”

“And for you to see that I don’t wish to own you, but I do want you to belong to me and only me.”

Ban considered this, considered the venomous fury that had risen in her at the sight of Corrinne pressed against her husband. That rage, the split-second urge to sink fangs into her neck and drink her dry, or break every one of her bones… It had been powerful. It had come after the initial concern for Astarion, of course, but it had been there, surprising her with its intensity.

To belong. Still a bit frightening to her, but she could not deny his words - could not deny the way she’d felt tonight, nor deny the ring on her finger.

“I’m sorry, my love,” she said, the words slipping out with ease, to her relief. “I couldn’t understand it, or even imagine how it would feel, until today.”

Astarion’s tension ebbed, the lines on his face easing as he exhaled. His hand drifted away from her to pick up the book. “Thank you. I think I shall rest easier knowing that.”

“You’ll still be reading, though?” She nodded at the book.

“I’m afraid sleep will come with far less ease than it usually does tonight. Not your fault,” he added quickly.

“Then I’ll keep you company.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, then began to read the book, flicking back a few pages to where he’d actually last understood what his eyes were running over. As he did Ban settled against his sternum, the now-slow beating of his heart lulling her into sleep, much as she fought it.

As she lost the fight and her eyelids drooped shut Astarion watched, amused. He didn’t move her, eyes moving back to his book. It helped that she understood, but he couldn’t help the small pang of worry that niggled at his mind still.

The rite had not fixed him, nor had his marriage. Would time really do so? A foolish thought, he knew, expecting all of his wounds to be healed by a simple ceremony, but part of him had… hoped. It had been largely absent in his mind until today’s painful reminder, and he wished he could have ripped that girl apart for her insolence. Instead he had frozen, mind searching for his wife’s, seeking solace.

He flipped to the next page. None of the words made sense.

And if time failed to heal those wounds, would it one day push them apart? He could almost taste it for a brief moment, the vision filling his mind-

Ban, in her armor and with her weapon slung over her shoulder. Servants hurrying out, bags and bags of her clothes and belongings carried to their carriage. He could see himself on his throne, the house already cold and tomblike, as if it was already mourning her departure. He would have his hands gripping the armrests, digging in until they cracked, resisting the urge to drag her back in, because he refused to do that ever again, even if losing her again would kill him. But every fiber of him would want to.

He would let the flowers wilt, let the palace fall into ruin. He would rot, because there would be nothing else for him, and nothing would matter but her memory. He would wander these empty halls and wait, deluding himself that she’d be back, because she’d come back once, hadn’t she? Perhaps he would seek an end to his misery. Create spawn, unleash whatever chaos he could, hoping someone would lop his miserable head off his shoulders. Perhaps she would. Or perhaps he would find her, beg for her return. She would do so again wouldn’t she, she wouldn’t leave, please, never again-

“Astarion.”

He flinched, looking down at her. She rubbed his chest.

“You were breathing hard. I could hear your heart pounding.” She crawled upwards so that they were eye to eye.

“Oh.” He waved the book at her. “Exciting part came up. It wasn’t all drivel after all.”

She raised an eyebrow, and he exhaled. There would be no way to fool her. “Too many thoughts,” he finally said. “Too many fears, ones that I’m afraid even the sweetest words cannot assuage. There’s no scrying the future, after all.”

“No.” She shook her head. “We can only really see today. And today, you are mine, and you are loved.” She pressed her lips against his, a chaste, gentle kiss that he couldn’t help but deepen. His hand fisted in her hair, gripping hard. The other wrapped around her waist, pressing her against him, his hips grinding against hers, the intent clear.

“Promise me,” he hissed, “that I will always be yours.”

She nodded, but that wasn’t enough. He pulled at her hair, tugging her head back. “Say it.”

“You’re mine,” she growled, slowly moving lower as the hand on her hair guided her downwards. There was a catch in her voice as she said it.

“Don’t hold back,” Astarion snarled, pulling the sheets off them. He could see the simmering anger behind her gaze, held at bay for most of the night, for his sake. “I don't need you to be proper. Show me who I bel- fuck.”

She had grasped his cock, given it a long, slow stroke. His expression softened as she licked along the shaft to the tip. She licked off a bead of precum, savoring the salty, tangy taste that was purely him. Her eyes searched his. “I wasn't sure if I should touch you. If tonight that would be welcome or not. But I'm glad you wanted to. I… I need it too.”

At that she swallowed him down, suckling his head, her tongue swirling in a teasing circle. Bucking helplessly against her, Astarion groaned, hand tightening in her hair. Her fingers stroked the rest of him, her other hand fondled his balls. It felt good - wonderful, even - and much needed, but-

He nudged her then got on his knees, cock proudly jutting out, glistening with her saliva, begging to be sucked. Ban thankfully understood, getting on all fours. He looked at her for a long moment, taking everything in - the swell of her ass, her muscled back and shoulders, her eyes filled with desire for him.

“My sweet Ban. Always eager to please,” he purred.

Her mouth took him in, deeper this time, the sudden return of warmth and suction causing his hips to jerk. He fucked her mouth, leaning back to support himself, hips rolling slowly, soft moans the only sound from his lips. He relished the feel of her swallowing around him, tongue laving its attention on every part of his cock. She was his, and he was hers. He tilted his head back, lost in the ocean of his desire.

Only she would be allowed to touch him like this, to see him like this, to love him like this. She wanted him - but not just that. Loved him. The real him. Not just his face, or his body, or his honeyed words. The true core of him. The good, and the bad, and the pieces he would show no one but her.

He threaded his fingers into her hair once more, enjoying the feeling of holding her while she claimed him. She brought one of her hands up to grip his hip and pull him further down her throat, her nails digging into the side of his ass hard enough to bruise. He let out a loud groan, her forcefulness driving him to the brink.

Hers. He was hers no matter what anyone else said or did, and the way she was swallowing him down right now - not even breathing, just burying him deep into her throat with an aggression he rarely saw from her - told him she also wanted to be reassured of that same fact.

“Show me,” he gasped, lost to the building pressure in his balls, thighs burning, “show me exactly who I belong to, who I give myself to, the only one who will ever make me co-”

She gave him one long, hard suck, tongue flicking against his underside, up to the slit of his cock, her loud moan vibrating against his cockhead, and he came apart, erupting into her mouth with one last hard thrust and a wild, needy groan. She swallowed, humming appreciatively as she did, intensifying his pleasure as her throat pulsed around him. She continued swirling her tongue around his length until he finally pulled out, gasping. Ban sat up, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, her eyes dark with possessiveness and satisfaction.

“Mine. I promise you that.”

He felt a pleasant shiver run down his spine. He was so relieved she finally understood.

The night passed in relative peace after that, with Ban asleep on his chest as he read. His mind was at ease, and the words on the pages finally made sense.

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