#Azazel is a very bad father but I don’t think Sam & Dean would turn out any less well adjusted

[quietwingsinthesky]

Extremely cursed au idea: John dies when Sam & Dean are still kids, and Azazel just happened to be checking in on them around this time and well. I guess now he’s got to raise them.

[throughhazeleyesofgreen]

Upcoming Fic Idea

Sharing more buffyverse spn head cannon thoughts.

So I’ve had a very terrible, very bad, very not good idea for my upcoming Sam centric buffyverse/spn crossover where Sam ends up on the hellmouth to attend college that I will be 100% be using. It’s not too spoilery to the upcoming fic but if you don’t want to be spoiled, avoid reading any further.

So we know in Buffy season 7, the Scooby Gang encounters and fights the First Evil. You know the entity that has a habit of changing into dead loved ones of their target in order to make them uncomfortable and/or manipulate them. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this...

Now, the obvious choice for Sam would be Mary which I could see causing some stress on Sam’s part but when you get down to it, Sam doesn’t know Mary that well. Mary is the mother martyr that he grew up learning about in hushed whispers from Dean or in drunken ramblings from John at best. More often we see flashbacks where Sam was yelled at when asking about Mary by Dean/John. We know in canon, Season 1 Sam did not know much about Mary other than she died in the nursery fire by the supernatural. He recognizes her from pictures only. He didn’t even know Dean carried him out of the house that night for crying out loud.

However, you know the choice that the First Evil could utilize that would 1000% freak Sam out and throw him off his game, John. Something Sam has no idea of at this point is John Winchester was resurrected by Azazel after Mary made a deal in 1973. Remember, the First Evil can turn into the figure of resurrected beings as well as those who have passed on.

Could you imagine John appearing out of nowhere and begins spewing out all the vitriol Sam fears his father thinks about him (that he should have died that night in the nursery fire, that he is going to be/is evil, tainted, no son of mine would practice magic, etc.) in the effort to cause a mental breakdown in Sam and/or suicide similar to the manipulation it tries with Willow to have her commit suicide? How would the rest of the Scooby Gang react to seeing John verbally attacking Sam and its effect on Sam?

Even after the confrontation has passed, could you imagine the mental torment Sam would be under as he tries to grapple with the fact the First can turn into his father? What does that mean? When did his father die? And what if the First hints at the connection Sam has with Azazel? Would that lead Sam down a certain rabbit hole?

*rubs hands in glee* Ohhh this is gonna be fun.

[brodependent]

Sam loves Dean as much as Dean loves Sam: a meta

Much as I love reading good meta, I don’t often write meta. Thus please accept my apologies if this is mediocre, and let me start with a simple topic sentence:

Sam loves Dean as much as Dean loves Sam.

A little longer, now: Sam is even better at loving Dean than Dean is at loving Sam because of Dean’s profound and abiding love for Sam.

Confusing, right? But not really.

We all know how Dean lives and breathes SammySammySammywatchoutforSammy. It’s his defining mission, his ultimate purpose, or, as a therapist might say, his “core belief.” But sometimes I think that we allow adult!Dean too little autonomy. We assume that he can’t help himself: he’s locked into this single-minded focus, on loving and protecting the only family he has left.

That sells Dean short. (Hang in there, I promise I’ll get to Sam in a moment.)

Even people who have been forced into a certain way of life have choices. Even people who have been told who they are all their life have choices. Dean tells us, in Season 14, I’m good with who I am--and I, for one, believe him. Whether we follow canon all the way to 15x17, when Dean is finally brought back from the edge of his desire for revenge against Chuck by his love for Sam (the only thing that’s “real”), or whether we keep to season 1 when Dean said--that’s all we have...that’s all I have... and I want us to be a family again and as long as I’m around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you--Dean has always accepted his role as Sam’s big brother. Dean’s life is unabashedly Sam-centric. He’d change a lot of things, but in the end he’d change nothing, because he wouldn’t change that. 

Some fans get very het up about the codependent aspect of this. Others (in my opinion, rightly) defend it. There’s scads of meta on why the Winchester dynamic IS necessary for their mythic role in the narrative, and their human role in the narrative (more importantly), so I won’t write that meta now. All I’m saying is what I think you already know: Dean lives for Sam, his baby brother, and despite the grief, the growing pains, the occasional cruelty of desperate love, Dean said it all when he told Sam (and us), Don’t you ever think that there is anything, past or present that I would put in front of you.

So where does that leave Sam, and his love for Dean? Let’s start with that line I just quoted. Building on the above, Dean’s goal in life is to give Sam a life. He wants Sam to be happy. He wants him to be free. He also wants to keep him by his side forever, to control him for safety and comfort’s sake, and sometimes those instincts of a frightened-child-turned-traumatized-man win out. Dean isn’t perfect. Dean’s full of contradictions. But time and again he goes back to stone number one: what he can do for Sam. What he can offer Sam, by being the grunt, by standing in harm’s way. 

When we begin the story, Sam has succeeded in the path Dean helped carve for him. I’m not taking all the credit from Sam here, and giving it Dean: merely pointing out that Dean stepped into traditional parental roles and helped send Sam into adulthood, even though that meant Sam leaving him. We know that the night Sam left for Stanford was one of the worst of Dean’s life, but even in mid-season 1, Dean tells Sam he’s proud of him. You always know what you want. You stand up to Dad. Hell, sometimes I wish I--

(this, of course, is beautifully echoed in the series finale itself)

Dean is telling Sam what so many parents tell their children: you have gone places I never could, accomplished goals I never could, grown in grace and understanding like I never could. At least, I like to think that’s what the best parents tell their children.

To Dean, Sam is always the one with more hope. More wholeness. More options. To Sam, Dean is stone number one. 

You asked how Sam loves Dean, and my answer is: just look. Look at how Sam goes out into the world young, stands up to their father, makes his own decisions, fights back against Dean’s own nihilistic narrative through their primary losses and setbacks. Dean gave Sam the safety to build a better worldview than Dean himself has, and Sam turns that right back around and tries to give it to Dean. 

What do you think my job is? You’re my big brother--there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. 

I can’t lose you.

You’re not a grunt, Dean, you’re a genius.

This is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother.

I am going to save my brother. And then I’m going to kill you dead.

If you ever need to talk about anything with anybody, you got somebody right here next to you.

I believe in us.

This is just a small collection of Sam quotes showing his love for Dean. A small collection showing the persistent theme of Sam’s persistence. He knows that pushing chick-flick moments and emotional conversations can get jokes for a dime a dozen, and even the occasional punch thrown his way. He keeps at it anyway. When Sam knows Dean’s hurting, he wants to help. He’d do anything to help. He won’t sit around and see his brother turn into an embittered killer (season 2), go to hell for saving his life (season 3), take on the Trials (season 8), be irrevocably corrupted by the Mark of Cain (seasons 9-10), let him despair (seasons 11 and 13), let him sacrifice himself to an archangel’s grave (season 14), or let him lose his goodness to the whims of a vicious god (season 15). Sam fights for Dean with full use of his considerable gifts--intelligence, rationality, resourcefulness, and yes, the occasional blind rage. Sam looks to Dean, first as a leader, then as a judge, and finally as an equal. Sam has been looking up to Dean since he was four, yes, but over the course of the show he comes to look at Dean. With love, peace, understanding, humor, pain...whatever their inimitable connection requires.

The quotes I noted above also reveal Sam’s own conflicts rear up. Sam and Dean (again, in my opinion) are equally developed characters. Both have flaws and inconsistencies. Both have struggles inherent to their personalities and upbringings, distinct from those imposed on them by supernatural forces. 

Sam had a glimpse of a different life, once. He had the smarts, he had the drive, he had the sheer stubbornness to live a different life than John or Azazel or hell, even Lucifer had planned for him. But also in Sam--innate in Sam--is his core of goodness and compassion and the principle of doing right, which leads him back into the life and to soul-crushing sacrifice again and again.

Sam breaks and is broken. Sam suffers and ages and spends more time in hell than even Dean, who went to protect him.

But what keeps Sam going? Dean. Dean can’t live without Sam. We know that. The flip side is that Sam doesn’t want to live without Dean. Importantly, I think, he has more choice in the matter. Dean focused his whole childhood identity on giving Sam a life that meant he had choices, even if Dean didn’t know he was doing that. Sam can move through more crowds, more roles, more relationships. He has a better education, he has a more powerful ability to intellectually reason and detach. He would have made a great lawyer. Yet he casts all this aside out of sheer willpower, choosing instead to love Dean and live with Dean through the chaos of their lives, and to go near mad when Dean is gone. Consider Sam in season 4, Sam in season 10...Sam in season 8 trying to atone for the very choice that Dean (the best part of Dean) wanted him to make, even if the real muddle of Dean’s psyche couldn’t forgive him, for a time, for making it.

All of this leads us to the finale. 

You said you wish Sam had said I love you back to Dean in the finale. I argue that he did. He made his love perfectly clear to Dean in that moment by holding his hand, by looking in his eyes. He said, you can go now, when all he wanted was for Dean to stay. 

The best part of Dean wanted Sam to have happiness and freedom. At the end of his life, Dean was finally able to communicate that without fear or reservation. 

But the bittersweet brilliance of that moment is that Sam--the Stanford boy who went to hell and back, who saved the world, brought down one god and raised another--no longer wanted any kind of happiness or freedom that didn’t include the one person who’d been by his side all along. Dean was giving his blessing for a path that didn’t beckon Sam anymore. And yet: Sam said yes to it out of the love for Dean. Sam went out of that barn, out of the bunker, out of that day and that year and that decade and into the next and the next, out of love for Dean. Sam loved Dean by living. He loved Dean by raising another Winchester. He loved Dean by holding all their contradictions, flaws, and heroisms in his heart (in their car), until he’d done what he set out to do many times over. 

Then he met Dean on a mended bridge, dressed in old clothes that said: I was happiest at the beginning. I was happiest when we could be brothers again. I took my time getting here anyway, because I know that was what you wanted. I took my time so that we could be happiest now.

If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

[mittensmorgul]

Since the finale aired, I’ve been yammering on about how it would’ve only worked as a finale to s2, and now that I’m actually rewatching s2, I stand by that even more staunchly. The finale doesn’t work in a post-s2 supernatural universe.

This is the version of Dean we saw in the finale-- the one whose only mission in life was to Save Sammy, to help him get his revenge and allow him to go out and live a Normal Safe Life pretending that hunting and monsters don’t exist. The one who just wanted some pie, to drive his car, and had no real connections beyond Sam in the world outside of Bobby. Even Dean’s characterization in the finale is this far younger Dean who’d never allowed himself to crack open and truly understand love. It would take me years to plow through everything I’ve ever written about him as a character and his long struggle to emotional maturity we saw evolve over the next 13 years beyond this episode, but the tl;dr will always be “this s2 Dean is the same as the Dean in the finale.”

The goal of s2 was saving SAM from his “destiny,” too. In this era of the show, Dean didn’t have a “destiny” the same way Sam did. The ONLY thing that mattered was freeing Sam from “becoming evil,” and being manipulated into terrible things. What Dean wanted, what he was “destined” for by the narrative was irrelevant, because all of his choices and emotional burdens were tied only to saving Sam. To freeing Sam so he could safely return to his “normal life.” Go back to college, have a family and the white picket fence life.

This was before Dean truly began fighting for HIMSELF. Which only really and truly began after he sells his soul to resurrect Sam. That’s when Dean truly begins fighting for himself. Sure, he’s angry with John during s2 for trading his own life for Dean’s, for putting the burden of “if you can’t save Sam, you’ll have to kill him” on his shoulders with his dying breath, but Dean is still fighting against John’s authority and the complicated tangle of feelings of his own childhood and not actually coming to terms with his own wants and needs and wishes out beyond that yet. He’s still unwittingly confronting the “destiny” John had set up for him, and hasn’t moved beyond that yet. It’s only trading his soul for Sam’s that finally brings Dean into the cosmic narrative that will fuel his introspection and personal growth for the rest of the series.

And out beyond that point, his entire character arc explodes into orbit.

Dean’s entire character arc in s3 is confronting this very basic fact: he doesn’t deserve to have been sacrificed just to save Sam. He doesn’t deserve that burden, and he does deserve to live. This is the realization he comes to before eventually being dragged to Hell and then rescued by an angel, who literally tells him, “you don’t think you deserve to be saved” in the aftermath of that. From that point on, we have TWELVE SEASONS of Dean struggling with what he “deserves” versus what is “fate” and “destiny” and eventually confronting what he WANTS if he truly could choose his own destiny.

Plus, out beyond that point, he has Cas. And nothing changes Dean, pushes him to grow and understand himself, and accept himself-- all of himself, from the good to the horrific-- than the pure and unflinching acceptance of Castiel. Cas never looked at him and said “you are evil,” or “you are worthless.” (well, they’ve both said some pretty awful stuff to each other over the years, but there was either brainwashing or other deeper issues pushing those things on them, and they have ALWAYS eventually come back to one another, and the awful stuff was dealt with). Point is, Dean and Cas both began running these parallel arcs of duty versus desire, and for Dean, the duty was always framed around “taking care of Sam” versus pursuing any sort of ambition or goals for himself. They would fight for this for most of the rest of the series, until eventually the goal for ALL of them would be about discovering what they would want for themselves.

The show explicitly dealt with this, repeatedly, over later seasons, asking all of the characters the big questions: is this what you would choose for yourself? What WOULD you choose for yourself if you could?

And then they made the narrative of the final season, of the final Big Bad, the fact that they had NEVER had real freedom, and that their entire lives (and the entire history of not only this universe but every parallel universe) had been Chuck’s Puppet Theater, and true free will had been a lie all this time. Pushing all of the characters to confront their own choices and understand what about who they were as people was separate from what Chuck pushed them into choosing and doing all these years. The main thing that Dean (and also Cas, and to the extent she was included in the narrative this was Eileen’s issue as well) were being pushed to come to terms with what really was real, and were their feelings and choices their own or imposed on them for the furtherance of Chuck’s story.

At the end of the road, finally free and out from under Chuck’s control, they knew what was real. For Sam and Eileen, they had chosen each other. Cas had chosen Dean, but Dean hadn’t yet had a chance to reply, but anyone with two eyes and a brain knows what he would’ve said in return. It’s what Cas stopped him from saying even back in Purgatory in 15.09. And yet, for some reason Sam and Dean forgot all of that, as if none of it had ever even really happened at all, and we went right back to who they were right after they finally defeated the YED, before we even knew Azazel had a name, let alone the fact that the ultimate boogeyman of their entire lives to that point had been nothing more than a fanatic pawn in a much larger destiny for both of them.

The end of s2 was the last time Dean sacrificing himself so Sam could have a normal life, where Dean really felt there was nothing more for himself than fulfilling his father’s orders to save Sammy, even feels remotely plausible. It’s the last time we can feel like Dean might find peace and contentment in a Heaven where John is nearby to be proud of him, and where Dean would actually feel like that validation was even relevant to his own life.

And that finally brings me back to s2, where that was actually addressed through John’s self-sacrifice to save Dean, to serve Dean up to the narrative and provide a stage for this self-transformative journey INTO being a version of John himself. Only... Dean DOESN’T choose that. He fights to save Sam at all costs, even when it seems clear that the right answer would probably be to KILL Sam instead. When not only the ghost of John Winchester plaguing Dean’s mind would make him doubt his own drive to save his brother, but the John Winchester Insert Character of s2-- Gordon Walker-- basically put Dean’s own doubts out there in plain words in 2.10:

GORDON: I'm surprised at you, Dean. Getting all emotional. I'd heard you were more of a professional than this. Look, let's say you were cruising around in that car of yours and, uh, you had little Hitler riding shotgun, right? Back when he was just some goofy, crappy artist. But you knew what he was going to turn into someday. You'd take him out, no questions, am I right?

DEAN: That's not Sam.

GORDON: Yes it is. You just can't see it yet. Dean, it's his destiny. Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has got to hurt like hell for you. But here's the thing. It would wreck him. But your dad? If it really came right down to it, he would have had the stones to do the right thing here. But you're telling me you're not the man he is?

This, the episode where Dean finally confesses John’s final orders to Sam, where Dean has decided that saving Sam is all that matters, even when circumstance and everyone else is practically screaming at him that this could all be over if only he gave in-- be it his own self-sacrifice OR killing Sam. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, the universe doesn’t care (and neither does Chuck... especially at this point... and the proof of that is Sam’s s15 nightmares where one of Chuck’s alternate universe endings for Sam and Dean was Sam actually going Darkside on demon blood and killing Dean... any iteration of the old drama, Chuck has explored all potential endings-- oh, except the ending where TFW gets to just be happy and live... that’s the one ending they never get and the only one they deserved in the end).

also from 2.10... loads of chat about “destiny” and one of Dean’s first “we should just lay all this shit down and take a vacation” moments when he suggests they go to Amsterdam and enjoy some of the not-coffee-coffee-shops, which Sam counters by doubling down on the fact that Dean has a destiny in all this as much as Sam does:

SAM: Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you were meant to do.

DEAN: Ah, I wasn't meant to do anything, I don't believe in that destiny crap.

SAM: You mean you don't believe in my destiny.

DEAN: Yeah, whatever.

SAM: Look, Dean, I've tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can't run from this. And you can't protect me.

DEAN: I can try.

And that’s it, right there. This is the “neither of you can try for a normal life outside of the other while the other is still alive.” This is Sam pinning a destiny to Dean that’s just as inescapable within Chuck’s narrative as Sam’s demon blood and psychic powers. 

This is the core essence of Chuck’s story about them. The sibling dynamic that Chuck failed to free himself from, and that Sam and Dean failed to free themselves from after Chuck’s demise in 15.19.

Destiny. One must die so the other can live.

And considering the next 13 seasons of the show and the long and emotionally grueling character arcs Sam and Dean proceed through where they truly confront the core of who they are as people-- as individuals outside of their duty and destiny-- the finale ceases to make any sense outside of Chuck’s narrative for them. If 15.20 really happened exactly as we saw it on screen, then Chuck still won.

And they had to loop Sam and Dean all the way back to where they were emotionally at the end of s2 in order to make it seem plausible. Which, for those of us who actually care about what they endured after s2, makes the finale entirely implausible as a whole.

[marlborodean]

spn quotes: season two

i’m collecting a bunch of quotes from the show! my favorite lines, good points of characterization, etc. all organized by episode and character, and with timestamps!

w/ncest shippers get lost

season one.

1. IN MY TIME OF DYING

Dean—

I’ve done everything you have ever asked me. Everything. I’ve given everything I’ve ever had. Now you’re just gonna sit there and you’re gonna watch me die? I mean, what the hell kind of father are you? (11:14)

So you’re okay with dying? [Tessa: No, of course not. I just think, whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen. It’s out of my control. It’s just...fate.] Hm. That’s crap. You always have a choice. You can either roll over and die, or you can keep fighting no matter what. (18:48)

There’s no such thing as an honorable death. My corpse is gonna rot in the ground, and my family is gonna die. (30:38)

[John: You know, when, uh...when you were a kid, I’d come home from a hunt, and after what I’d seen, I’d be...I’d be wrecked. And you...you’d come up to me, and you’d put your hand on my shoulder, and you’d look me in the eye, and you’d...you’d say, “It’s okay, Dad.” Dean, I’m sorry.] Why? [You shouldn’t have had to say that to me, I should’ve been saying that to you. You know, I put...I put too much on your shoulders. I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that. And you didn’t complain, not once.] (37:27)

Sam—

How is revenge gonna help him? You're not thinking about anybody but yourself. It's the same selfish obsession! (13:17)

I don't know how to help you. But I'll keep trying, alright? As long as you keep fighting. I mean, come on, you can't...you can't leave me here alone with Dad, we'll kill each other, you know that. Dean, you gotta hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again. (28:36)

Misc—

Tessa: You'll stay here for years—disembodied, scared. And over the decades, it'll probably drive you mad. Maybe you'll even get violent. [Dean: What are you saying?] Dean, how do you think angry spirits are born? They can't let go, and they can't move on. And you're about to become one: the same thing you hunt. (31:15)

Azazel: If only your boys knew how much their daddy loved them. (32:15)

2. EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN

Dean—

[Ellen: I’m so sorry.] It’s okay. We’re alright. [Really. I know how close you and your dad—] Really, lady, I’m fine. (11:37)

[Sam: You ever notice Dad had a falling-out with just about everybody? Don’t get all maudlin on me, man.] What do you mean? [I mean this strong, silent thing of yours. It’s crap, I’m over it.] Oh my God. [This isn’t just anyone we’re talking about, this is Dad. I know how you felt about the man.] You know what? Back off, alright? Just because I’m not caring and sharing like you want me to— [No no no, that’s not what this is about, Dean. I don’t care how you deal with this, but you have to deal with it, man! Listen, I’m your brother, alright? I just wanna make sure you’re okay.] Dude, I’m okay! I’m okay, okay? I swear, the next person who asks me if I’m okay, I’m gonna start throwing punches. These are your issues. Quit dumping them on me. [What are you talking about?] I just think it’s really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It’s like, “Oh, what would Dad want me to do?” Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. I mean, hell, you—you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him, and now that he’s dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I’m sorry, Sam, but you can’t. It’s too little, too late. [Why are you saying this to me?] Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this! I’m dealing with Dad’s death! Are you? (29:48)

Sam—

[Dean: This case was your idea. By the way, why is that? You were awfully quick to jump on this job.] So? [It's just not like you, that's all. I thought you were hell-bent for leather on the demon hunt.] I don't know, I just think taking this job, it's what Dad would have wanted us to do. (16:57)

[Mr. Cooper: You see, this place is a refuge for outcasts, always has been, for folks that don't fit in nowhere else. But you two...you should go to school, find a couple of girls, have 2.5 kids. Live regular.] Sir, we don't want to go school, and we don't want regular. We want this. (22:34)

[Dean: I thought that once the demon was dead and the fat lady sings that you were gonna take off, head back to wussy state.] I'm having second thoughts. [Really?] Yeah. I think Dad would have wanted me to stick with the job. [Since when do you give a damn what Dad wanted? You spent half your life doing what he didn't want, Sam.] Since he died, okay? You have a problem with that? (23:27)

I'm sorry that the last time I was with him, I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know, he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it is too little. It's too late. I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right, not at all. But neither are you. That much I know. (39:04)

3. BLOODLUST

Dean—

So I picked up this crossbow, and I hit that ugly sucker—silver-tipped arrow, right in his heart. Sammy’s waiting in the car, and me and my dad take the thing into the woods, burn it to a crisp. I’m sitting there, and I’m looking into the fire, I’m thinking to myself, “I’m 16 years old. Kids my age are worried about pimples, prom dates. I’m seeing things that they’ll never even know, never even dream of.” So right then, I just sort of.... [Gordon: Embraced the life?] Yeah. (16:16)

You’re always saying to yourself, “He’s indestructible. He’ll always be around. Nothing can kill my dad.” And just like that, he’s gone. I can’t talk about this to Sammy. No, I got to keep my game face on. But, uh...truth is, I’m not handling it very well. I feel like I have this— [Gordon: Hole inside you? And it just gets bigger and bigger and darker and darker? Good. You can use it. Keeps you hungry. Trust me, there’s plenty out there needs killing, and this will help you do it. Dean, it’s not a crime to need your job.] (18:32)

[Gordon: It’s all black-and-white. There’s no maybe. You find the bad thing, kill it. See, most people spend their lives in shades of gray. Is this right? Is that wrong? Not us.] Not sure Sammy would agree with you, but, uh. [Doesn’t seem like your brother’s much like us. I’m not saying he’s wrong, just different. You and me, we were born to do this. It’s in our blood.] (20:22)

[Sam: You know what? You slap on this big smile, but I can see right through it, ‘cause I know how you feel, Dean. Dad’s dead. And he left a hole, and it hurts so bad you can’t take it. But you can’t just fill up that hole with whoever you want to.] (27:47)

[Gordon: You’re not like your brother. You’re a killer, like me.] (37:08)

I wish we never took this job. It just jacked everything up. [Sam: What do you mean?] Think about all the hunts we went on, Sammy, our whole lives. [Okay.] What if we killed things that didn’t deserve killing. You know? I mean, the way Dad raised us. [Dean, after what happened to Mom...Dad did the best he could.] I know he did. But maybe he wasn’t perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things—and man, I hate them. I do. When I killed that vampire at the mill, I didn’t even think about it. Hell, I even enjoyed it. [You didn’t kill Lenore.] No, but every instinct told me to. I was gonna kill her. I was gonna kill them all. (40:20)

Sam—

[Gordon: Well, lighten up a little, Sammy!] He's the only one that gets to call me that. (15:05)

4. CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

Dean—

Going to visit Mom’s grave? She doesn’t even have a grave. There was no body left after the fire. [Sam: She has a headstone.] Yeah, put up by our uncle, a man that we’ve never even met. So you wanna go pay resects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Come on. [Dean, that’s not the point.] Well, them enlighten me, Sam. [It’s not about a body or a casket. It’s about her memory, okay? And after Dad, it just—it just feels like the right thing to do.] It’s irrational, is what it is. [Look, man, no one asked you to come.] Why don’t we swing by the roadhouse instead? I mean, we haven’t heard anything on the demon lately. We should be hunting that son-of-a-bitch down. [That’s a good idea! You should! Just drop me off, I’ll hitch a ride, and I’ll meet you there tomorrow.] Right. Stuck with those people, making awkward small talk until you show up. No thanks. (02:48)

[Sam: Look, maybe you’re imagining a hunt where there isn’t one, so you don’t have to think about Mom, or Dad. You wanna take another swing? Go ahead, if it’ll make you feel better.] I don’t need this crap. [Dean, where are you going?] I’m gonna go get a drink. Alone. (09:59)

Look, I get it. Okay? There are people that I would give anything to see again, but what gives you the right? [Sam: Dean.] [Dr. Mason: What are you talking about?] What’s dead should stay dead! (20:51)

[Sam: Dean, I don’t scare easy, but, man, you’re scaring the crap out of me.] Don’t be overdramatic, Sam. [You’re lucky this turned out to be a real case, ‘cause if it wasn’t, you would’ve just found something else to kill. You’re on edge, you’re erratic, except for when you’re hunting, ‘cause then you’re downright scary. You’re tailspinning, man! And you refuse to talk about it, and you won’t let me help you.] I can take care of myself, thanks. [No, you can’t! And you know what? You’re the only one who thinks you should have to. You don’t have to handle this on your own, Dean. No one can.] (21:44)

I’m sorry. [Sam: For what?] The way I’ve been acting. And for Dad. Well, he was your dad, too. It’s my fault that he’s gone. [What are you talking about?] I know you’ve been thinking it. So have I. Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. Back at the hospital, I had a full recovery. It was a miracle. And five minutes later, Dad’s dead and the Colt’s gone. [Dean....] You can’t tell me there’s not a connection there. I don’t know how the demon was involved, I don’t know how the whole thing went down exactly, but Dad’s dead because of me, and that much I do know. [We don’t know that, not for sure.] Sam, you and Dad, you’re the most important people in my life. And now...I never should’ve come back, Sam, it wasn’t natural, and now look what’s come of it. I was dead, and I should’ve stayed dead. You wanted to know how I was feeling. So tell me, what could you possibly say to make that alright? (38:56)

Sam—

[Dean: Going to visit Mom's grave? She doesn't even have a grave. There was no body left after the fire.] She has a headstone. [Yeah, put up by our uncle, a man that we've never even met. So you wanna go pay your respects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Come on.] Dean, that's not the point. [Well, then, enlighten me, Sam.] It's not about a body or a casket. It's about her memory, okay? And after Dad, it just—it just feels like the right thing to do. (02:48)

You're tailspinning, man. And you refuse to talk about it, and you won't let me help you. [Dean: I can take care of myself, thanks.] No, you can't! And you know what? You're the only one who thinks you should have to. You don't have to handle this on your own, Dean. No one can. [Sam, if you bring up Dad's death one more time, I swear—] Please, Dean, it's killing you. Please. We've already lost Dad. We lost Mom. I've lost Jessica. And now I'm gonna lose you, too? (21:44)

5. SIMON SAID

Dean—

You know, one day I’d love to just sit down and eat something that I didn’t have to microwave at a minimart. (18:03)

[Sam: You know, I heard you before, Dean, when Andy made you tell the truth. You’re just as scared of this as I am.] That was mind control! It’s like—it’s like being roofied, man. That doesn’t count. [What?] No, I—I’m calling do-over. [What are you, 7?] Doesn’t matter. Look, we just gotta keep doing what we’re doing, find that evil son of a bitch and kill it. (36:06)

Sam—

[Dean: There's gonna be hunters there. I don't know if—if going in and announcing that you're some supernatural freak with a demonic connection is the best thing, okay?] So I'm a freak now? [You've always been a freak.] (04:14)

Demon came to them when they were kids. Now they're killing people. [Dean: We don't know what Andrew Gallagher is, okay? Could be innocent.] My visions haven't been wrong yet! [What's your point?] My point is, I'm one of them. [No, you're not.] Dean, the demon said he had plans for me and children like me. [Yeah?] Yeah, maybe this is his plan. Maybe we're all a bunch of psychic freaks. Maybe we're all supposed to be— [Killers?] Yeah. [So the demon wants you out there, killing with your minds, is that it? Oh, give me a break. You're not a murderer, Sam! You don't have it in your bones!] No? Last I checked, I kill all kinds of things. [Those things were asking for it. There's a difference.] (10:47)

Looks like I was right. [Dean: About what?] Andy. He's a killer after all. [No, he's a hero. He saved his girlfriend's life. He saved my life.] Bottom line, last night he wasted somebody. [Yeah, but he's not a foaming-at-the-mouth psycho. He was just—he was pushed into that.] Webber was pushed, too, in his own way. Max Miller was pushed. Hell, I was pushed by Jessica's death. [What's your point, Sam?] Right circumstances, everyone is capable of murder. Everyone. (35:28)

6. NO EXIT

Dean—

[Jo: You know, I’ve had it up to here with your crap.] Excuse me? [Your chauvinist crap. You think women can’t do the job.] Sweetheart, this ain’t gender studies. Women can do the job fine. Amateurs can’t. You got no experience! What you do have is a bunch of half-baked romantic notions that some barfly has put in your head. [And now you sound like my mother.] Oh, and that’s a bad thing? (09:56)

Jo, you got options. No on in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me in this when I was so young. I wish I could do something else. [Jo: You love the job.] Yeah, but I’m a little twisted. [You don’t think I’m a little twisted, too?] Jo, you got a mother that worries about you, who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don’t throw things like that away. They might be hard to find later. (10:24)

[Jo: What do you remember about your dad? I mean, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? Come on, tell me.] I was 6 or 7, and uh...he took me shooting for the first time. Bottles on a fence—that kind of things. I bull’s-eyed every one of them. And he would smile, like...I don’t know. [He must have been proud.] (16:13)

Sam—

Is this job as glamorous as you thought it would be? [Jo: Well, except for all the pee-your-pants terror, yeah. But that Theresa girl’s gonna live a life ‘cause of us. It’s worth it, isn’t it?] Yeah. Yeah, it is. (36:00)

Misc—

Ellen: I am your mother! I don't have to be reasonable! (03:06)

7. THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Dean—

My name is Dean Winchester. I’m an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. (21:59)

[Sam: Nice lady.] Yeah, for a cop. (41:19)

Sam—

[Diana: Then about a year ago, there was a fire in your apartment. One fatality—Jessica Moore, your girlfriend. After she died, you fell off the grid—left behind everything.] I needed some time off...to deal. So I’m taking a road trip with my brother. (03:49)

[Dean: What do you think, Scully?] I’m not Scully, you’re Scully. [No, I’m Mulder. You’re a red-headed woman.] (06:35)

8. CROSSROAD BLUES

Dean—

[Sam: We got to find out if anyone else struck any bargains around here.] Great. So we got to clean up these people’s mess for them? I mean, they’re not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a gun to their head and forced them to play “Let’s Make a Deal.” [So what, we should just leave them to die?] Somebody goes over Niagara in a barrel, you gonna jump in to try to save them? [Dean.] Alright. Fine. (14:44)

[Demon: You’d sacrifice your life for someone else’s. Like father, like son. (29:01) 

[Demon: I’m not gonna put you out of your misery.] Yeah? Why not? [’Cause your misery is the whole point. It’s too much to watch. Knowing how your daddy died for you, how he sold his soul—I mean, that’s got to hurt. He’s all you ever think about. You wake up and your first thought is, “I can’t do this anymore.” You’re all lit up with pain. I mean, you loved him so much. And it’s all your fault. You blew it, Dean! I could’ve given you what you need.] What do I need? [Your father.] (30:36)

How could he do it? [Sam: He did it for you.] Exactly. How am I supposed to live with that? (38:14)

Sam—

How many people do you think Dad saved total? [Dean: That's not the point, Sam.] Evan Hudson is safe because of what Dad taught us. That's his legacy, Dean. Now we're still here, man, so we got to keep going. For him. (38:48)

Misc—

George: Listen, I get that you boys want to help, but sometimes a person makes their bed and they just got to lie down in it. (17:38)

9. CROATOAN

Dean—

Hey, look, man, I’m not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job, and you know that. [Sam: It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this. That's the whole point.] What does that buy us? [A clear conscience, for one.] Well, it's too late for that. [What the hell has happened to you?] What? [You might kill an innocent man, and you don't even care. You don't act like yourself anymore, Dean. Hell, you know what, you're acting like one of those things out there.] (25:40)

[Sam: Go with them. This is your only chance.] Ah, you're not gonna get rid of me that easy. (31:17)

[Sam: Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you.] No—[No, you can keep going.] Who says I want to? [What?] I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life, this weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it. [So what, so you're just gonna give up? I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know this stuff with Dad had—] You're wrong. It's not about Dad. I mean, part of it is, sure— [Then what is it about?] (32:54)

I just think we should take a break from all this. Why do we got to get stuck with all the responsibility, you know? Why can't we live life a little bit? [Why are you saying all this? No no no no no, Dean. You're my brother, alright? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit.] I can't. I promised. [Who?] Dad. (39:23)

Sam—

[Dean: Hey, look, man, I'm not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job, and you know that.] It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this. That's the whole point. [What does that buy us?] A clear conscience, for one. (25:40)

You're my brother, alright? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit. (39:38)

10. HUNTED

Dean—

He said that he...wanted me to watch out for you. Take care of you. [Sam: He told you that a million times.] Well, this time was different. He said that I had to...save you. [Save me from what?] He just said that I had to save you, and nothing else mattered and that if I couldn't, I'd.... [You'd what, Dean?] I'd have to kill you. He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy. (04:10)

[Sam: How could you not have told me this?] Because it was Dad and he begged me not to. [Who cares? Take some responsibility for yourself Dean! You had no right to keep this from me!] You think I wanted this? Huh? I wish to God he'd never opened his mouth. Then I wouldn't have to walk around with this screaming in my head all day! (05:05)

And you're pissed at me, and I get it. That's fine, I deserve it. But we lay low until we figure out our next move, okay? [Sam: Forget it.] Sam, please, man. Hey, please. Just give me some time. Give me some time to think, okay? I'm begging you here. Please, please. (06:12)

Come on, Ellen, please. Something bad could be going on here, and I swore I'd look after that kid. [Ellen: They say you can't protect your loved ones forever. Well, I say screw that. What else is family for?] (17:27)

Come on, man. I know Sam, okay? Better than anyone. He's got more of a conscience than I do. I mean, the guy feels guilty surfing the internet for porn. [Gordon: Maybe you're right, but one day, he's gonna be a monster.] How? Huh? How's a guy like Sam become a monster? [Beats me, but he will.] No, you don't know that! [I'm surprised at you, Dean. Getting all emotional. I'd heard you were more of a professional than this.] (29:15)

[Gordon: Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has got to hurt like hell for you. But here's the thing. It would've wrecked him, but your dad, if it really came right down to it, he would have had the stones to do the right thing here. So you're telling me, you're not the man he is?] (30:24)

Screw the job. Screw it, man. I'm sick of the job anyway. I mean, we don't get paid, we don't get thanked. The only thing we get's bad luck. [Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you're meant to do.] Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything. I don't believe in that destiny crap. (39:00)

[Sam: You can't run from this, and you can't protect me.] I can try. (39:27)

Sam—

[Dean: He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy.] Kill me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? [I don't know.] I mean, he must've had some kind of reason for saying it, right? I mean, did he know the demon's plans for me? Am I supposed to go dark side or something? What else did he say, Dean? [That's it, I swear.] How could you not have told me this? [Because it was Dad and he begged me not to.] Who cares? Take some responsibility for yourself Dean! You had no right to keep this from me! (04:46)

[Ellen: I wish I could blame the hell out of you boys. It'd be easier. Truth is, it's not your fault. Sam, none of it is.] (10:27)

[Gordon: You wouldn't shoot me, would you, Sammy? 'Cause your brother, he thinks you're some kind of saint.] Yeah, well, I wouldn't be so sure. (33:46)

[Gordon: You're no better than the filthy things you hunt.] *They tussle, Sam points a gun at him.* [Do it. Do it! Show your brother the killer you really are, Sammy.] It's Sam. (34:22)

I'm not gonna just ditch the job. (39:00)

[Dean: Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything. I don't believe in that destiny crap.] You mean you don't believe in my destiny. [Whatever.] Look, Dean, I've tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can't run from this, and you can't protect me. [I can try.] Thanks for that. Look, Dean, I'm gonna keep hunting. I mean, whatever's coming, I'm taking it head on, so if you really want to watch my back, then I guess you're gonna have to stick around. (39:13)

11. PLAYTHINGS

Dean—

[Sam: We gotta save as many people as we can.] Wow. That attitude is just way too healthy for me. I'm officially uncomfortable now, thank you. (05:16)

[Sam: I need you to watch out for me.] Yeah, I always do. [No no no no, you have to watch out for me, all right? And if I ever turn into something that I'm not...you have to kill me.] Sam.... [Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to.] Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. He never should've said anything. I mean, you don't do that, you don't—you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids. [No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies.] Yeah, well, I'm not dying. Okay? And neither are you. Come on, sit down. [No. Please. Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise.] Don't ask that of me. (16:18)

[Sherwin: Well, would you be [happy], leaving the only home you ever knew?] I don't know. I never really knew one. (19:06)

Sam—

I told Ellen we'd think about checking it out. [Dean: You did?] Yeah. You seem surprised. [Yeah, it's just, you know. Not the patented Sam Winchester way, is it?] What way is that? [Just figured after Ava, there'd be, uh, you know, more angst and droopy music and staring out the rainy windows. I'll shut up now.] (04:27)

So I'm not giving up on her, but I'm not gonna let other people die, either. We gotta save as many people as we can. (05:09)

That guy who hung himself...I couldn't save him. [Dean: What are you talking about? You didn't know. You couldn't have done anything.] That's an excuse, Dean. I should have found a way to save him. I should have saved Ava, too. [Yeah, well, you can't save everyone. Even you said that.] No, Dean, you don't understand, alright? The more people I save, the more I can change. [Change what?] My destiny, Dean. (15:46)

I need you to watch out for me. [Dean: Yeah, I always do.] No no no no, you have to watch out for me, alright? And if I ever turn into something that I'm not...you have to kill me. [Dean: Sam....] Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to. [Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. He never should've said anything. I mean, you don't do that, you don't—you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids.] No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies. [Yeah, well, I'm not dying. Okay? And neither are you. Come on, sit down.] No. Please. Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise. [Don't ask that of me.] Dean, please. You have to promise me. [I promise.] Thanks. Thank you. (16:18)

12. NIGHTSHIFTER

Dean—

Freaking cops. [Sam: They were just doing their job.] No, they’re doing our job, only they don’t know it, so they suck at it. (03:36)

[Henriksen: I know about your dad.] You don't know crap about my dad. [Ex-Marine, raised his kids on the road, cheap motels, backwood cabins. Real paramilitary survivalist type. I just can't get a handle on what type of wacko he was— white supremist, Timmy McVeigh, tomato, tomahto.] You got no right talking about my dad like that. He was a hero. [Yeah, right. Sure sounds like it.] (31:18)

Sam—

[Dean: When you told that poor son of a bitch to—what did you say?—”remand” the tapes that he copied? “Classified evidence of an ongoing investigation”? That’s messed up.] What, are you pissed at me? [No, I just think it’s a little creepy how good of a Fed you are.] (08:51)

Better to stay in the dark and stay alive. (08:51)

13. HOUSES OF THE HOLY

Dean—

Odd, yes. Supernatural, maybe. But angels? I don't think so. [Sam: Why not?] 'Cause there's no such thing, Sam. [Dean, there's ten times as much lore about angels as there is about anything else we've ever hunted.] Hey, you know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns, too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows outta their ass. [Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?] That's cute. I'm just saying, man, there's some legends that you just file under “bullcrap.” [And you got angels on the ”bullcrap” list.] Yep. [Why?] 'Cause I've never seen one. [So what?] So I believe in what I can see. [Dean, you and I have seen things most people couldn't even dream about.] Exactly. With our own eyes—that's hard proof, okay? But in all this time, I have never seen anything that looks like an angel. And don't you think that if they existed that we would've crossed paths with them, or at least know someone that crossed paths with them? (06:17)

You know what? I get it. You've got faith. That's—hey, good for you. I'm sure it makes things easier. I'll tell you who else had faith like that. Mom. She used to tell me when she tucked me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me. [You never told me that.] What's to tell? She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power. There's no God. I mean, there's just chaos and violence and random, unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere and rips you to shreds. You want me to believe in this stuff? I'm gonna need to see some hard proof. You got any? (23:09)

Sam—

[Dean: What's next? Are you gonna start praying everyday?] I do. [What?] I do pray every day. I have for a long time. (19:50)

I wanted to believe. So badly. It's so damn hard to do this, what we do, all alone, you know? There's so much evil out in the world, Dean, I feel like I could drown in it. And when I think about my destiny, when I think about how I could end up.... [Dean: Yeah, well, don't worry about that, alright? I'm watching out for you.] Yeah, I know you are. But you're just one person, Dean. And I needed to think that there was something else watching, too, you know? Some higher power, some greater good. And maybe.... [Maybe what?] Maybe I could be saved. But, you know, that just clouded my judgement. And you're right. I mean, we got to go with what we know, with what we can see, with what's right there in front of our own two eyes. (37:54)

14. BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN

Dean—

[Meg!Sam: Then how the hell did I get here, Dean? What happened to me?] I don't know, all right? But you're...you're okay, and that's what matters. Everything else we can deal with. (02:51)

Sam, go wait in the car. [Meg!Sam: But, Dean—] Go wait in the car! (06:40)

What's going on with you, Sam, hm? 'Cause smoking, throwing bottles at people, I mean that sounds more like me than you. (07:51)

You know, I've tried so hard to keep you safe. [Meg!Sam: I know.] I can't. I'd rather die. [No. You'll live.] (15:53)

[Meg!Sam: What the hell's wrong with you, Dean? Are you that scared of being alone that you'd rather let Jo die?] (25:53)

This is my fight. I'm not getting your blood on my hands. That's just how it's gonna be. (31:28)

[Meg!Sam: Dean. Back from the dead. Getting to be a regular thing for you, isn't it? Like a cockroach. (34:13)

[Meg!Sam: All that I had to hold onto was that I would climb out one day and that I was gonna torture you, nice and slow, like pulling the wings off an insect. But whatever I do to you, it's nothing compared to what you do to yourself, is it? I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're worthless. You couldn't save your dad, and deep down, you know that you can't save your brother. They'd have been better off without you.] (37:21)

[Sam: No matter what I did, you wouldn't shoot.] It was the right move, Sam, it wasn't you. [Yeah, this time. What about next time?] Sam, when Dad told me that I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you. (41:01)

Sam—

For the last few weeks, I've been having...I've been having these feelings. [Dean: What feelings?] Rage. Hate. And I can't stop it. It just gets worse. Day by day, it gets worse. [You never told me this.] I didn't want to scare you. (13:52)

[Dean: No one can control you but you.] Sure doesn't seem like that, Dean. It feels like no matter what I do, slowly but surely, I'm—I'm just becoming— [What?] Who I'm meant to be. I mean, you said it once yourself, Dean, I got to face up to who I am. (14:29)

I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt you. [Dean: You won't. Whatever this is, you can fight it.] No. I can't. Not forever. (15:16)

My head feels like it's on fire, alright? (25:21)

Misc: 

Meg: Hell is like, uh...well, it's like hell. Even for demons. It's a prison made of bone and flesh and blood and fear. (36:42)

15. TALL TALES

Dean—

[Bobby: Come on, now, you're bickering like an old married couple.] No, see, married couples can get divorced. Me and him? We're like, uh, Siamese twins. [Sam: It's conjoined twins.] See what I mean? [Look, it...we've just been on the road for too long, tight quarters, all that.] (11:19) 

[Sam: Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you.] What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around. [Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge?] What's wrong with my food? [It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism!] I like it. [And you know what? All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff!] You done? [You know, how would you feel if I screwed with the Impala?] It'd be the last thing you ever did. (21:15)

Sam—

Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you. [What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around.] Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge? [What's wrong with my food?] It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism! [I like it.] And you know what? All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff! (21:15)

16. ROADKILL

Dean—

You know, just once I'd like to round the corner and see a nice house. (16:14)

Me? I don't like [spirits]. And I sure as hell ain't making apologies for 'em. (20:08)

[Molly: Oh, thank God.] Call me Dean. (28:46)

Sam—

Spirits like Greeley are, uh...like wounded animals. Lost, in so much pain, that they lash out. [Molly: Why? Why are they here?] Well, there's some part of them that...that's keeping them here, like their remains, or um...unfinished business. [Unfinished business....] Yeah, uh, could be revenge. Could be love. Or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped, caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over. [You sound almost sorry for them.] Well, they weren't evil people, you know? A lot of them were good, just...something happened to them. Something they couldn't control. (18:52)

[Dean: You think she's really going to a better place?] I hope so. [I guess we'll never know. Not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh?] Doesn't really matter, Dean. Hope's kind of the whole point. (38:23)

17. HEART

Dean—

[Sam: Dean, could you be a bigger geek about this?] I'm sorry, man, but what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids. (04:39)

[Sam: You go. I'll stay.] Forget that. You go after the creepy ex. I'm gonna hang here with the hot chick. [Dude, why do you always get to hang out with the girls?] 'Cause I'm older. [No, screw that. We settle this the old-fashioned way.] *Dean throws scissors while Sam throws rock.* [Dean, always with the scissors!] Shut up, shut up. Two out of three. *Dean throws scissors while Sam throws rock.* God! [Bundle up out there, all right?] (11:11]

Sammy, I got this one. I'll do it. [Sam: She asked me to.] You don't have to. (38:56)

Sam—

I'm not putting a bullet through some girl's chest who has no idea what's happening. [Dean: Sam, she's a monster and you're feeling sorry for her?] Maybe I understand her. (21:26)

18. HOLLYWOOD BABYLON

Dean—

[Sam: You know, I thought you hated being a PA.] I don’t know, it’s not so bad. I kind of feel like part of the team, you know? It’s good. (19:22)

Hey, we got to go check out Johnny Ramone’s grave when we’re gone here. [Sam: You want to go dig him up, too?] Bite your tongue, heathen! (23:25)

[Marty: He wrote a wackjob screenplay. There’s no pace, there’s no love interest. It’s all wackadoo exposition. I had to cut, like, 90 percent of it to make it readable, another 10 percent to make it good.] ...Should have kept Walter’s original script. It’s actually pretty good. (31:15)

Sam—

[Dean: I just figured that, you know, after everything that happened with Madison, you could use a little R&R, that’s all.] Maybe I want to work, Dean. Maybe it keeps my mind off things. (05:38)

19. FOLSOM PRISON BLUES

Dean—

Innocent people are dead—four, so far. [Sam: Yeah, innocent.] What, are you from Texas all of a sudden? Just 'cause these people are in jail doesn't mean they deserve to die. And if we don't stop this thing, people are gonna continue to die. We do the job wherever it takes us. (11:30)

[Sam: You're doing this for Deacon?] Damn right. [We barely even know the guy.] We know he was in the Corps with Dad. We know he saved Dad's life. We know we owe him. [Yeah, all right, but don't you think he's asking a little much?] Doesn't matter. We may not be saints, but we're loyal and we pay our debts. Now, that means something to me, and it ought to to you. (11:47)

[Sam: Dean, does it bother you at all how easily you seem to fit in here?] No, not really. (28:07)

Sam—

I hate this plan, Dean. [Dean: yeah, I got that the first ten times I heard it.] (05:12)

This is, without a doubt, the dumbest, craziest thing we’ve ever done, and that’s in a long, storied career of dumb and crazy. (10:58)

20. WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE

Dean—

When I was a kid, what did you always tell me when you put me to bed? [Mary: Dean, I don't understand—] Just answer the question. [I told you angels were watching over you.] (07:05)

Who'd have thought, Baby? We're civilians. (11:42)

That lawn looks like it could use some mowing. [Mary: You want to mow the lawn?] You kidding me? I'd love to mow the lawn. [Knock yourself out. You'd think you've never mowed a lawn in your life.] (13:08)

[Sam: I mean this whole warm, fuzzy, ecstasy-trip thing.] I'm just happy for you, Sammy. [Yeah, right. That's another thing. Since when do you call me “Sammy?” Dean, come on. We don't talk outside of holidays.] We don't? Well, we should. I mean, you're my brother. [”You're my brother?”] Yeah! [You know, that's what you said when you snaked my ATM card, or when you bailed on my graduation, or when you hooked up with Rachel Nave.] Who? [My prom date, on prom night.] Yeah, that does kinda sound like me. Well, hey, man, I'm sorry about all that. [No, look, it's all right, man, I just...you know, I'm not asking you to change, I just.... I don't know, I guess we just don't really have anything in common. You know?] Wait, whoa whoa whoa, yes we do. Yes we do. [What?] Hunting. [Hunting? I've never been hunting in my life, Dean.] Yeah, well, then we should go sometime. I think you'd be great at it. (17:51)

I can fix things with Sam. I can make it up to him. To everyone. [Carmen: Okay. What's gotten into you lately?] This isn't gonna make a lick of sense to you...but I kind of feel like I've been given a second chance. And I don't want to waste it. (19:58)

And there's this woman that's haunting me, I don't know why. I don't know what the connection is—not yet, anyway. It's like my old life is coming after me or something, you know, like it doesn't want me to be happy. Of course, I know what you'd say. Well, not the you that played softball, but you'd say, "Go hunt the djinn. It put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness or all those people's lives, no contest." Right? But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom's not supposed to live her life? Sammy's not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? (23:14)

I'm sorry that we don't get along. And I wish to hell I could stay and fix it. But I gotta do this. People's lives depend on it. (26:07)

[Djinn!Sam: Why'd you have to keep digging? Why couldn't you have left well-enough alone? You were happy.] [Djinn!Mary: Put the knife down, honey.] You're not real. None of it is. [It doesn't matter. It's still better than anything you had.] What? [It's everything you want. We're a family again. Let's go home.] I'll die. The djinn will drain the life out of me in a couple days. [But in here, with us, it'll feel like years, like a lifetime. I promise. No more pain, no more fear. Just love and comfort and safety. Dean, stay with us. Get some rest.] [Djinn!Jessica: You don't have to worry about Sam anymore. You get to watch him live a full life.] [Djinn!Carmen: We can have a future together, have our own family. I love you, Dean. Please.] [Djinn!Sam: Why is it our job to save everyone? Haven't we done enough? I'm begging you. Give me the knife.] I'm sorry. (34:47)

I gotta tell you, though, man, you know, you had Jess. Mom was gonna have grandkids. [Sam: Yeah, but Dean, it wasn't real.] I know. But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad. I mean, ever since Dad....all I can—all I can think about it how much this job has cost us. We've lost so much. And we've sacrificed so much. (40:43)

Sam—

[Dean: Get out of the car.] I'm going with you. [You're just gonna slow me down.] Tough. [This is dangerous and you could get hurt.] Yeah, and so could you, Dean. [Sam—] Look, whatever stupid thing you're about to do, you're not doing it alone, and that's that. [I don't understand, why are you doing this?] Because you're still my brother. [Bitch.] What are you calling me a bitch for? [You're supposed to say jerk.] What? [Nevermind.] (27:07)

Well, I'm glad we do [get along]. And I'm glad you dug yourself out, Dean. Most people wouldn't have had the strength. They would've just stayed. (40:25)

[Dean: We've lost so much. And we've sacrificed so much.] But people are alive because of you, Dean. It's worth it, it is. It's not fair, and, you know, it hurts like hell, but it's worth it. (41:24)

21. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, PART I

Dean—

I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna take care of you. I got you. That's my job, right? Watch out for my pain-in-the-ass little brother. (39:32)

Sam—

[Jake: By the way, I, uh, appreciate what you're doing here.] What am I doing? [Keeping calm, keeping them calm. Especially considering how freaked to hell you really are. I've been in some deep crap before myself. I know the look.] Want to know the truth? I got this brother, right? And he's always telling me how he's gonna watch out for me, how everything's gonna be okay, you know, kinda like I've been telling them. [Yeah.] I don't know if I believe it this time. (22:56)

22. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, PART II

Dean—

[Bobby: Don't you think maybe it's time...we bury Sam?] No. [We could maybe....] What? Torch his corpse? Not yet. [I want you to come with me.] I'm not going anywhere. [Dean, please.] Would you cut me some slack? [I just don't think you should be alone, that's all. I gotta admit, I could use your help. Something big is going down—end-of-the-world big!] Well, then let it end! [You don't mean that.] You don't think so? Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it. All of it. (02:16)

You know, when we were little, when you couldn't have been more than five, you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom, why do we always have to move around, where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you, "Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know." I just wanted you to be a kid, just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you, keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I have one job—I had one job. And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too? How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy. What am I supposed to do? (06:27)

That's the same deal you give everybody else. [Demon: You're not everybody else. Why would I want to give you anything? Keep your gutter soul. It's too tarnished, anyway.] (11:08)

You almost died in there. I mean, what would I have.... You just take care of yourself for a little bit, huh? Just for a little bit. (16:37)

Which is why we gotta find this yellow-eyed son of a bitch. That's why I'm gonna kill him myself. I mean, I got nothing to lose now, right? (19:00)

[Bobby: What is it with you Winchesters, huh? You, your dad—you're both just itching to throw yourselves down the pit.] (19:18)

Dad brought me back, Bobby, I'm not even supposed to be here. At least this way, something good could come out of it, you know? It's like my life can mean something. [Bobby: What? And it didn't before? Have you got that low an opinion of yourself? Are you that screwed in the head?] I couldn't let him die, Bobby. I couldn't. He's my brother. [How is your brother gonna feel when he knows you're going to Hell? How'd you feel when you knew your dad went for you?] You can't tell him. You take a shot at me, whatever you gotta do, but please don't tell him. (19:27)

[Azazel: You saw what your brother just did to Jake, right? That was pretty cold, wasn't it? How certain are you that what you brought back is 100% pure Sam? You of all people should know that's what dead should stay dead. Anyway, thanks a bunch. I knew I kept you alive for some reason. Until now, anyway. I couldn't have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family.] (32:23)

[Sam: You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?] Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job. (38:45)

Sam—

I kind of can't believe it, Dean. I mean... our whole lives, everything... has been prepping for this, and now I...I kind of don't know what to say. (36:35)

[Dean: I had to look out for you. That's my job.] And what do you think my job is? [What?] You saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change. (38:57)

[kaywinchester]

Dark Power Pt. 9

Read Part 8 HERE!

Summary: The Winchester’s run into Azazel again. Sam and Y/N find out what controls Y/N’s powers.

Word Count: 1,974

“It’s been a while.” Azazel spoke.

Everyone looked over at him in shock. The spell Rowena casted must have alerted him in some way. 

“What the hell do you want.” Dean snapped.

“What do you think?” Azazel lit up with a devilish smirk.

“No. You are not taking her.” Sam made it clear as he pushed Y/N behind him.

“Oh Sammy, It’s not your choice now, isn’t it. Let me just talk to my girl, it’s about time we meet.”

Y/N poked her head out from behind Sam. Although she was scared, she was also curious as to who this Azazel was.

“My, you’ve grown so much. You feel those powers, I know you do.”

“Don’t even think about laying a finger on her-” Dean threatened. Azazel didn’t hesitate and flung Dean across the room, making him hit a wall and falling to the ground. Y/N looked up in shock, not even aware that what he did was possible. Azazel proceeded to do the same to Sam, which made Y/N really upset. 

“You’d be smart not to touch me.” Rowena spoke. Azazel didn’t listen as he snapped his fingers, vanishing Rowena from the house.

“Now, finally I can have some one on one time with my muse.”

“What did you do to her?” Y/N spoke, puffing out her chest and trying to appear tough. The last thing she wanted was for some demon to think she was scared of him. Even though, deep down she was terrified.

“Oh don’t worry. She’s not dead, just away somewhere. Now where were we?”

“I’m not your muse.” Y/N said with disgust. “Just get rid of the spell that you gave me!”

“Why would you want me to take a gift like that away from you, ungrateful if you ask me.”

“It’s not a gift, it’s a curse.” Y/N snapped.

“Well, either way, it’s permanent.” Azazel smiled.

“What do you mean? You’re the one who did this to me, why can’t you take it back!”

“Because, I can already see it. You have so much potential and you don’t even know it. If you learn to control your powers, maybe it won’t be such a bad thing. Think about it, you’re special Y/N, use what you have to your advantage.” Azazel paced around the room.

“I don’t need to use anything.”

“Sooner or later, you're going to have to. We have big plans for Earth you know, and once you get a hang of what you have, you’ll be able to help us win.” Azazel smiled.

“I’ll never help you do anything.” Y/N spat.

“Maybe this will change your mind.” Azazel paused. Y/N looked around, confused as to what he was referring to. Azazel raised his hand and clenched his fist. All of a sudden, Sam and Dean clenched their sides in pain.

“What are you doing to them!” Y/N yelled.

“Killing them.” He said like it was nothing. Y/N rushed to her father’s side and looked at him with concern. 

“Daddy, what do I do!” Y/N cried. Sam looked like he was trying to say something but groaned as the pain got worse. Y/N stood up and turned to Azazel with a fiery look of anger on her face.

The house started to shake, a few photos ended up falling off the wall. Y/N became the most angry she had probably ever felt in her life at that point. The shaking stopped and everything was quiet for a second.

“Leave. Them. Alone.” Y/N spoke. The house went from quiet, to chaos in a split second. Y/N sent Azazel flying across the house and smashed him through a window. Sam and Dean were finally able to stand up, now that the pain was gone.

Azazel appeared once more in front of Y/N. “That’s what I’m talking about!” He laughed as he clapped his hands together. “Now you know what to do. I’ll be seeing you very soon, my dear.” He spoke before vanishing.

“Well, for someone who has never experienced anything like that, I’d say you handled yourself pretty well.” Dean smirked as he hoisted himself off the floor.

“This isn’t funny, what does he mean by all of that?” Y/N turned around.

“I think we have a case on our hands.” Sam said.

...................

The three Winchester’s sat at Sam’s kitchen table. Dean had brought out files, notes, and books. Sam had his laptop open, Dean joked about how it was like the old days when they used to hunt together. Sam wasn’t in a joking mood, he was way too worried about Azazel and his evolvement with his daughter, who for sure had powers of some sort.

“Dean, I don’t think all of that is necessary. He made it pretty clear what’ll go down.” Sam said.

“Fine, Mr. know it all, you tell me what’s gonna happen.” Dean said. 

Sam rolled his eyes. “He said he had plans for Earth, well, he said we. I don’t know who else is siding with him, but it sounded like he put that spell on Y/N because he wants her to be on his side, so she can help him with whatever he’s planning.”

“Like he wants to turn her against us.” Dean chimed in.

“Exactly. He wants us dead. He wants to finish what he started. Which means if he got the chance to kill us, he would end up saving Y/N for last.....” Sam explained.

“So what do we do?” Y/N asked.

“Maybe he’s right... about one thing. I mean, Y/N you were able to go against a demons powers with your own, you saw what you did to him... You could use them to your advantage, but instead of using them with him, you could use them against him. So whenever the time comes where he plans on doing his thing, you’ll be ready and he might not expect it.” Sam said.

“You really think that could work?” Dean questioned.

“You got anything better in mind?” 

“Well, Y/N? You up for the challenge?” Dean asked.

“I don’t really have much of a choice, do I?”

Hearing Y/N say that made Sam’s heart break into a million pieces. In this life, you never had a choice. Even if you try and make an escape, to be normal, it will always come back to bite you. Sam had it working for this long, but their time was up. They had no choice but to return to the hunting life. 

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Sam announced as he got up and went upstairs.

“Why is my dad look so upset?” Y/N asked once he left the room.

“There’s a lot of reasons. You know once you were born, your dad wanted to do everything to protect you from this. It was a hard decision for him. He knew the risks of having a kid in this life, but he couldn’t see you be raised by someone other than him. I know he would never confess his feelings about this stuff but I can tell. I know he wondered if he made the right decision, but deep down he did the right thing.” Dean explained.

“He wanted to protect me from all of this? Didn’t he?” 

“Yup. But, its not exactly easy when you’re born a Winchester. I guess it’s not a terrible thing sometimes, we are pretty damn cool.” Dean smiled. 

Y/N laughed. “I guess so.”

“I think your dad is just scared this is too much for you. It all just, kind of came up all of a sudden, no warning or anything. He probably blames himself for not being able to keep you away from this.”

“Well he doesn’t need to. I don’t want him to feel like that.” Y/N frowned.

“Then, make him proud. I know you’re strong Y/N, you're a Winchester. You have that fight in you, you may just not know it yet.”

“Thanks Uncle Dean. I’m gonna go check on him.” Y/N said as she got up from the table.

“Anytime kid.”

Y/N walked up the stairs and hovered outside Sam’s bedroom door. She knocked a few times on his door, but heard nothing. Until she heard some sniffling, it wasn't coming from the bedroom.

Y/N walked down the hallway and heard the sniffling near the bathroom door. “Dad?” She knocked on the door. Sam heard the knocks, turning on the sink and splashing water on his face.

She leaned on the door and accidentally pushed it open, to see Sam hunched over the sink. He was clearly upset about the whole situation.

“Y/N, I’m fine, I’ll be downstairs in a sec, okay.” Sam choked out. She didn’t listen and went up to Sam.

“It’s okay dad.” Y/N said softly as she wrapped her arms around his large frame. Sam didn’t resist and accepted the hug, bringing his daughter in closer, scared that she would be taken away from him. 

“We can do this. We’re Winchesters right?” 

Sam laughed softly and hugged her tighter.

...................

A few days later, Sam tried to help Y/N learn the extent of her powers. He didn’t want to have to do something like this, but she was stuck with it for now and he knew there weren’t many options. 

“So, can you just.... uh do you just make whatever you want to happen, happen?” Sam hesitantly asked.

“The last few times things have happened, I don’t really feel like I’m controlling anything.”

“Well it can’t be him that’s controlling them.” Sam thought. “He obviously wanted you to use them yourself.... Do you feel anything when that stuff happens?”

“Actually, yeah. It’s like, uh I don’t know. Can we do this later?” Y/N sighed.

“I’d like to understand this. Who knows, we might not have all the time in the world to figure out this ‘plan’.” Sam sympathized with her, knowing it was becoming a lot of stress.

“It’s like I’m really angry on the inside. And instead of releasing anger in some way, whatever spell I have creates chaos. I feel like I don’t have much control over it so it’s kind of hard to explain.” Y/N brushed her hair behind her ear.

Sam suddenly got an idea. “What if it’s controlled by anger? Maybe you have to be really mad in order to expel any kind of power.” 

“Okay, how does that help?”

“Trust me with this, think about all of those times that girl at school picked on you.” Sam suggested.

“Why would I want to think about that?” Y/N’s expression changed.

Sam sighed. “I’m trying to anger you, c’mon take this seriously. Anything you can think about that has made you upset to your core. Dwell on that for a second.”

“Dad, I don’t think that’ll work....”

“Trust me, just close your eyes and think.”

Y/N sat at the kitchen table and slouched down onto the surface. She rested her chin on her arms and zoned in on a particular spot, thinking about the things that made her most angry. She started to focus in more once she felt that same feeling. Sam watched intently as he hoped for something to happen. Y/N shut her eyes tightly as the anger grew, until she snapped.

As she opened her eyes, the kitchen lights made a popping sound as the electricity went out within a second. A few of the chairs at the table slid out of position, making Sam jump. Y/N looked up at her father in shock, part of her being startled, the other part being impressed with herself.

“Sorry, I didn’t chose what would happen.” Y/N apologized.

“I think we found what fuels the power.” Sam said in a relieved voice.

Y/N let out a relieved laugh of hope as she sat in the dark kitchen. 

But deep down, she was terrified of what’s to come.

And so was Sam. 

Requests Are Open! Part 10 Coming Soon!

Tags:

@mersuperwholocked-lowlife @gracie-and-the-superwholock-gang @samsgirl93

[archivingspn]

Entertainment Weekly Special Edition: The Ultimate Guide to Supernatural 2017

SAM AND DEAN WINCHESTER KNOW "WEIRD." Their entire life has been weird, ever since the moment a demon claimed their mother's life. In case anyone has forgotten over the course of the show's past 12 seasons, Supernatural tells the story of the Winchester brothers, portrayed by Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, who fell into the family business of hunting creatures after their mother's murder. What began as their father's journey for revenge has evolved into endless monster slayings, near-death experiences and more than a few actual deaths.

By this point the Winchesters have been to Hell and back, killed Death himself, come face-to-face with God and prevented the Apocalypse. But perhaps more impressively, the series has survived three network presidents, five showrunners, a writers' strike and five different time slots. Turns out the only thing harder to kill than the Winchesters is the series itself. "It's one of those shows that has moved a lot, and yet each time it has found that core audience and built on it," Warner Bros. Television president Peter Roth says. "It's been an unsung hero."

If anyone knows about being an unsung hero, it's Sam (Padalecki) and Dean (Ackles), who've dedicated their lives to saving others and asked for nothing in return. Seriously, how many nights have they spent sleeping in their car?And yet that on-the-road lifestyle has paved the way for a number of the show's riskier episodes, which play a crucial role in keeping the audience engaged. In 2015 "Baby" was told entirely from the perspective of their beloved 1967 Impala, and that's not even close to the craziest thing the show's tried.

Aside from the rules the show creates within its canon—yes, they have a historian in the writers' room to keep them honest—not even the sky is the limit when it comes to story ideas. “[Show creator] Eric [Kripke] used to say, 'Smoke 'em if you've got 'em,' which meant: Anything crazy, don't be afraid to run it by us," executive producer Robert Singer says.

That motto led most famously to season 6's "The French Mistake," in which Sam and Dean found themselves in an alternate universe where everyone mistook them for Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, the stars of a show called Supernatural. "Our show's not bound by reality," Ackles, 39, says. "We're rooted in reality, but we're not bound by it. That gives us a fifth wall almost."

But Supernatural's season 12 finale managed to raise the stakes by somehow introducing the boys to something they'd never seen before: a world in which they don't exist and Heaven and Hell are locked in an eternal war. By episode's end, their allies Castiel (Misha Collins) and Crowley (Mark Sheppard) were dead, and their mother, Mary (Samantha Smith), who was resurrected-by God's sister!-in the season 11 finale, found herself trapped in this new reality with the Archangel Lucifer (Mark Pellegrino). If that doesn't seem bad enough, the birth of Lucifer's son is the very thing that opened the rift to this apocalyptic realm. "The world in which Sam and Dean were never born is not a good world," showrunner Andrew Dabb says. "It speaks to the importance of our guys. The world Sam and Dean live in is certainly not perfect, but it's a whole hell of a lot better than the alternative."

Dabb describes the new run of episodes as more melancholy than last year's, with new threats including some long-dead characters. And somehow Scooby-Doo has a role to play. (More on that later.)

"Last season was, in some ways, a very upbeat season for us," says Dabb, who goes on to explain that season 13 will be "darker." In their grief the boys will butt heads when it comes to both Lucifer's son Jack—Dean wants nothing to do with him; Sam thinks he's worth trying to save— and Mary, whom Sam refuses to give up on despite Dean's having lost hope that she's still alive. "The Apocalypse world hangs over our guys a little bit like a sword of Damocles," Dabb says of the season's beginning. "We're definitely going to spend a little time there."

And of course Sam and Dean have this new responsibility thrust upon them before they've had the chance to properly grieve their many losses, including Castiel, who Dabb says will appear, though maybe not the way fans are expecting. "We're not looking to hit the reset button," Dabb says. "We want to give both our guys an opportunity to react to that and ask the question: How would that affect them if their closest friend sacrifices himself for them? There is a certain amount, especially when you look at Dean, of survivor's guilt."

That being said, there will be at least one (animated!) moment of levity, though it's in the season's back half. Episode 16 will be a much-anticipated Scooby-Doo crossover, for which Ackles, Padalecki and Collins have already recorded the audio. "They've often talked about Supernatural crossing over into something." Ackles says. "I love that it's Scooby-Doo."

But even with exciting new ideas on the agenda, there's always the lingering question of how much longer the show can continue. According to CW president Mark Pedowitz, the answer is as long as the guys are happy and the ratings are relatively stable. As for Ackles and Padalecki, they are focusing on the next milestone: hitting 300 episodes (something that would take them 13 episodes into season 14). However, if Sam and Dean have taught the actors anything, it's that Death can be lurking around every corner (and he's usually eating pizza). "If we don't make it to 300, I think Ackles and I will both be truly bummed," Padalecki, 35, says.

Ackles adds, "They're paying us to bring that little bit of magic to what they wrote, and I still feel that magic. The day that I don't feel that magic will be a very sad day, and I hope that day never comes. I'd like to get to 300 before that day comes."

One thing everyone can agree on is that they want to know when the end is nigh. "I think it would be bad for this show to just ride off into the sunset without a finale," Singer says. "I think we've earned that." Ultimately the only thing that's certain about Supernatural's eventual end is the fate of Sam and Dean's Impala, Baby. "He gets Baby," Padalecki says of Ackles. "I get Baby Two." Ackles makes one correction: "No, you'll get Three. Two is a stunt car. It's beat to s---.”

But nobody gets Baby just yet. For now they'll need all the Impalas they can get as they try to solve the problems of not one world but two.

[pg 10-12]

LIFE IN THE FAST LANE

Stars Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki and Misha Collins have rolled with rapid changes and some surprising detours during the series' remarkable run. BY SAMANTHA HIGHFILL

JARED PADALECKI CAN STILL REMEMBER THE exact pitch for Supernatural's first season: “Route 66 meets X-Files, brothers on the back roads of America hunting things that go bump in the night.” That was how he and costar Jensen Ackles were told to promote the show, which, in its first year, was just that-Sam and Dean Winchester chasing urban legends from state to state.

But over time that original pitch added a few sentences. Much like with any good road trip, there have been quite a few turns—and the occasional crossroads along the way. Although the show remains about two brothers on the back roads of America hunting things, those "things'' now include everything from vengeful spirits to imaginary friends and even Lucifer himself. After all, a show doesn't last 13 seasons without adjusting its game plan. For Supernatural that has meant an ever expanding mythology, some shocking deaths, resurrected characters, breaking the fourth wall and so much more.

Yet all the while, one thing has remained true: Sam and Dean Winchester will do whatever it takes to save the world and, even more so, to save each other. And they'll do it while navigating those seemingly endless back roads in their 1967 Impala.

Finding John Winchester (portrayed by Jeffrey Dean Morgan) was the boys' goal in season 1, though that ended up being about as difficult as getting John to stick around once he was finally discovered. The Winchester family reunion was short-lived: Season 1 closed with a car crash and the fates of all three men up in the air. And then there was that demonic deal John made with the same monster they had been hunting.

JENSEN ACKLES Everything up until that point was about finding Dad. We found Dad, we continued to fight as a unit, and then we lost Dad, and now we were two orphans.

JARED PADALECKI And I think that was the first time we ever brought back somebody from the dead, and it was you [to Ackles].

ACKLES I died in the car crash, and he traded his life with Azazel.

PADALECKI I think that was the first time we ever saw a major character die and come back. And that was a total leap of faith. So we told the story of Reapers and the veil and what happens to your soul.

ACKLES That's when we got into afterlife.

PADALECKI That was a big title shift in what Supernatural could do...

ACKLES With the introduction of Hell and making deals with demons—which is funny, because you think about that now, and [creator] Eric [Kripke] must've always known because Mom made the deal with the yellow-eyed demon.

The next shift would come later in season 2, laying the groundwork for the introduction of angels far before Castiel spread his wings in that abandoned barn in season 4.

PADALECKI "Houses of the Holy” was the first time we ever talked about angels on Supernatural. [Jensen] and I both were like, “Whatever your religious beliefs, whatever ours, we're not here to proselytize. We're here to make a serialized television show, but we want it to be universal.” So we actually had a conference call with Eric Kripke, and we were like, "Hey, man, we don't know how we feel about this.”

ACKLES We didn't want to be a mouthpiece for writers' religious views, because it wasn't the show that we had signed up for. Our argument was: “We trust you. You've done good by us so far. However, this is our one concern, and we're just bringing it to the table so that we can discuss it.”

PADALECKI And they heard us out, and I think that's why they waited another year and a half before introducing our second and most famous angel. I think it's the one time we've ever called them together with a complaint. Because I'm not a writer. I don't want to be a writer. I enjoy my job as an actor. But that was legitimately like, “Listen, if you're going here about religion, I don't want to be a part of it.”

MISHA COLLINS And now amazingly, 11 years later, so much of the show has been hung on biblical lore and mythology that is actually drawn from the Bible. One interesting thing for us is that we end up talking along the way to priests and pastors and ministers, or even nuns, who love the show.

(...)

ACKLES It was amazing, but my point being that we're in one of the most religious places on earth, and they're catering to people from a show that deals with religiously inspired story lines.

PADALECKI But not telling the story that the Bible tells.

ACKLES That's the out. That's where we get a pass is that we're not trying to tell the story of the Bible. The writers take inspiration from biblical elements and then elaborate on them. So when we got into that original discussion, Eric came back with: “We're not here to tell the story of Jesus Christ. We're here to take that element and use it as inspiration for the story.” I think that alleviated any concerns that he and I had. And at the same time we really trusted Eric and still do to this day.

Another leap of faith came with season 2's "Hollywood Babylon,” which can be considered the show's first meta episode. It opened the door for everything from season 6's “The French Mistake” to the upcoming season 13 Scooby-Doo crossover.

ACKLES “Babylon” was the first time we took the piss out of ourselves and were poking fun at the industry.

COLLINS That has been a huge [help to know] that you can go to these absurd lengths and break conventions. Reading the script where we are doing a Scooby-Doo episode makes me feel proud. Where else can you do that?

Padalecki What other show does that and has the fandom at large excited that they’re going to do that? Can you imagine if JAG or NCIS did a Scooby-Doo episode? People would be like, “What?” Not only do we break the fourth wall, do we go meta, but those end up being some of our best episodes.

The season 5 finale holds the No. 1 spot on EW's episode ranking, but that hour was important for many reasons, one of which being that it was creator Kripke’s farewell.

COLLINS “Swan Song" was another milestone because that marked the culmination of Eric's original vision for the show. He had a five-season arc in mind that tied up perfectly with a bow, and then he moved on and handed the reins over to Sera [Gamble]. That became, “Okay, guys, now let's figure out how to start a new chapter or a new volume in a series of chapters.”

PADALECKI It's the story that we were all born from, those of us who were introduced in the first five years. So to have the creator step away? I would argue that it was the largest shift.

Gamble served as showrunner for seasons 6 and 7, the latter containing another major show moment: the death of Bobby (Jim Beaver), Sam and Dean's father figure.

PADALECKI Bobby was such a big part. Jeffrey Dean [Morgan] was never as much a part of the show. He was obviously a huge part of the story, but he did [just a few] episodes, and Jim Beaver did 60 or something. And there was something about his death that we knew it was final...or final for Supernatural.

ACKLES Because his character said, “I'm done.” So it wasn't like he got killed accidentally and we found a way to bring Bobby back. He was like, “I'm hanging it up, guys." It was heavy.

PADALECKI That probably was the first big death of someone who'd been there for years...

ACKLES [Interrupting] A fan favorite...

PADALECKI Yeah, and I remember [CW president] Mark Pedowitz saying something to the effect of “As a fan, I hated when Bobby died, but it was great television.” That's how I feel. 

ACKLES Like when Sam Winchester dies for good, it's going to be good television. But when Dean Winchester lives on, it's going to be great television. [Everyone laughs]

The season 12 finale saw the introduction of an apocalyptic alternate world in which Sam and Dean Winchester were never born and Heaven and Hell are locked in an eternal war. And with that world comes the possibility for a number of character returns. But does it feel like a turning point? 

COLLINS Well, I think the rift and the fact that you can go into the apocalypse world and you can all of a sudden revisit every character in a different iteration—there could be a different version of every character—it opens up this incredible panoply.

(...)

PADALECKI And if an alternate universe exists, then how many alternate universes exist? It's hard to say, because I feel like it's impossible to identify a turning point during the turn. In hindsight it will reveal how this story will affect the show, the canon at large and the way we move forward. But I certainly feel like we're opening up doors with the rift and with the son of Lucifer.

(...)

[pg 20-26]

THE CORONER'S VAN JUST PULLED INTO THE driveway. It's the middle of August in 2016, and Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are filming a scene for Supernatural's 12th season at a farmhouse in the Vancouver countryside, which is standing in for Iowa. Sam and Dean Winchester have ditched their flannels and jeans for sweaters and slacks in order to pose as social workers. They're doing what the two brothers do best: lying about their jobs in order to solve mysteries and kill monsters—in other words, saving people, hunting things.

When Supernatural premiered, Sam and Dean Winchester were born into the family business of hunting creatures, and it's a lifestyle that, over the years, has left them with very few people they love. Turns out, when you spend your days battling shape-shifters, witches and the occasional angel—they're not all nice, you know—nothing is guaranteed, especially not tomorrow.

But no matter how crazy the Winchesters' world gets—or how many worlds they have to face—one thing remains unchanged: At the center of it all are Ackles and Padalecki, whose Dean and Sam are the beating heart of the show (whether theirs are beating or not).

(...)

(...) even pulling up their favorite scenes on their phones to watch at the table. Padalecki can easily name the scripts that made him cry—“Heart,” “Sacrifice" and "Baby" all land on the list. The common thread is a heartfelt moment between the brothers where they get to talk about their crazy life as if, say, having visions of Lucifer is normal. “I feel like those situations where we treat the abstract and the fantastical as just part of life is where the show thrives,” Padalecki says. Ackles adds, “I think the show is truly at its best when it doesn't take itself too seriously, then it does take itself seriously, and it gets scary as s---,”.

But whether Supernatural is making fun of itself, scaring the living daylights out of its fans, or just letting the brothers have a moment on the hood of the Impala, it all works because of our central heroes. “It's about the Winchesters," says Crowley actor Mark Sheppard. “We really do care, and it's a testament to the boys that we still care."

(...)

As the sun sets on the Vancouver countryside, Sam and Dean ditch their slacks for jeans and send the coroner's van on its way. It won't be needed—this show, and the brotherly bond that holds it all together, has a lot of life left in it. Not that death has ever stopped it before.

[pg 32-34]

(...)

DEAN WINCHESTER Jensen Ackles

He was always the good son. Dean embraced the hunter's lifestyle, and he idolized his father despite John's many faults. But with the senior Winchester devoted to tracking down demons, it fell to Dean to help parent Sam, and he went to great lengths to protect his younger sibling-at one point even making a deal with a Crossroads demon (at the cost of his own life) to resurrect Sam from the dead. The two have had their differences, but throughout, Dean's brother was his first priority. "Watching out for you, it's kinda been my job, you know? But more than that, it's kinda who I am." Cynical and initially skeptical of the existence of God, Dean has nonetheless managed to become best buds with the angel Castiel (and on first name terms with both God and God's sister Amara). His self-sacrificing nature means he would do literally anything for those he considers family-and that's a short list: Sam, Mary and Castiel.

[pg 38]

Sympathy for the Devil

EVERY HERO NEEDS A HELL, BUT SUPERNATURAL HAS JUST TWO PROTAGONISTS AND HUNDREDS OF VILLAINS. HERE’S HOW THE SHOWRUNNERS APPROACHED SAM AND DEAN’S MANY FOES, FROM WELL-KNOWN URBAN LEGENDS TO SATAN HIMSELF. By Samantha Highfill

[pg 51]

Stairway to Heaven

SAM AND DEAN MET CASTIEL. AN ANGEL OF THE LORD, IN SEASON 4, AND IT CHANGED THE COURSE OF THE SHOW. BECAUSE ANGELS WEREN’T ALWAYS THE PLAN— AND CASTIEL WAS ONLY THE FIRST. By Samantha Highfill

(on page 57 there’s a small box of print on the corner that says: In what executive producer Robert Singer calls one of the series’ most “iconic images,” Castiel (Misha Collins) is introduced as the show’s first real angel.)

WHILE OTHER CHILDREN WERE LEARNING multiplication tables, Sam and Dean Winchester were hunting monsters. “When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45!” says Sam to Dean in the Supernatural pilot, recalling an episode when he was 9 years old. Clearly creature encounters were par for the course in the Winchester way of life. And when you grow up battling all the evil in the world, it's hard to believe in the good. But in the show's season 4 premiere, Dean would come face-to-face with the one supernatural entity he didn't think existed: angels.

“[Show creator] Eric [Kripke] wasn't in love with the idea of doing angels,” executive producer Robert Singer says of the early days. “But as things went on and we were getting into demons, I would say to him, 'I don't know how we do demons without doing angels.’”

The show tested the waters in season 2's “Houses of the Holy,” when Sam and Dean worked a case that appeared to involve angels then went in a different direction. It wasn't until late in the next season that the seraphim were finally embraced. When Dean was dragged to Hell, they needed to get him out. And if there's a Hell, it stands to reason there has to be a Heaven. "[The season 3 finale] was the gateway into this whole other world of angels and demons," executive producer Andrew Dabb says.

When it came time to spring Dean from Hell, it was Castiel, the show's first angel, who gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. But Castiel quickly established that he wasn't a typical cherubic angel. Many of the show's angels were, as Sam and Dean would put it, real dicks. “We have our own brand of angels and the idea that they were these warriors of God,” Singer says. “We introduced Castiel, and we just went from there. Heaven opened up different levels of angels.”

The moment Castiel spread his wings, the show expanded its universe. Castiel came bearing news of something much bigger: the Apocalypse, the ultimate showdown between good and evil-or more specifically between Archangels Michael and Lucifer. “We started with archangels and the idea that Lucifer was an archangel and was cast out of Heaven,” Singer says. “We certainly took some license, but it was all biblically grounded. We just took those things and went a step further to make them work for our story.”

From there the show explored all kinds of angels, from Zachariah and Naomi to Gabriel and Metatron, and, of course, it eventually arrived at God-or Chuck, if you prefer. “We didn't really know that Chuck was God when we first started with him," Singer says of introducing the character in season 4. (He wouldn't be revealed as God until season 11.) “That evolved. We wanted a relatable God, a God with foibles.”

Nine seasons later, what started as one angel in a trench coat has evolved into Lucifer, God, Leviathan and even a sister for God. “We play a little fast and loose with religion, but no one has really complained about it,” Singer says with a laugh. “So we'll just keep going.”

[pg 56-58]

CASTIEL Misha Collins

What can you say about the only member of Team Free Will who wears an overcoat? Cas has become a true member of the Winchester family.

[pg 61]

[casmick-consequences]

okay um sjdghs yeah thank you for not being mean or thinking I was mean cause I really wasn't! I do really like your blog (we are mutuals and I *think* you know me by name) but zjdgsh jack still isn't Cas coded for me, tbh. He might LOOK like Cas but sjdgsh his literally story was based on his powers othering him (sam), killing his mother (sam) and eventually being manipulated into doing something bad by accident and no bad intentions (sam). he is also infused with very obvious daddy issues (the sam kind more than the Cas kind) and if you thjnk about it I prommy there's not a lot of similarities between his and cas's personalities (except for that they're both wonderful and I love them but that's beside the topic) like Cas plotlines usually go like: huge sacrifices for love, hugely misguided attempts to make everything right, loss of powers leaving him abandoned. while sam (and jack) plot lines are the opposite because it's the ABUNDANCE of power that leaves them abandoned (by Dean, cough, cough) and while cas's powers are seen as desirable throughout the show (when they ARE seen, of course :/) sams were evil and Jack's were evil and they were supposed to be thought of as evil (by us, the narrative and dean) for using them ! So...yeah? also sjdgshs I hear you on the Dean not being a John girl just because he wanted his affirmation so bad and would do anything he said for it — but the jack Dean situation is not exactly the same because the moments that they use to show us that jack loves Dean aren't ones where dean has any expectations from him to be/do good per se???? it's things like fishing and being a dork on a case and they "make jack the happiest he's been" so...? (Plus I DO believe that jack really wanted Dean's approval and Dean to think of him as good, and family but it just...isn't in the same way as John. Dean WAS a dick to jack and it might johncode him but Jack's behavior doesn't s1-dean code him 🥺) so im gonna stick with jack being a samcoded deangirl who looks a lot like Cas actually ajdgshs (also yeah Dean is both a samgirl and a casgirl, he has the range, although you saying he HAS to be a samgirl cause they're blood is kinda weird because I really do think he loves and stans sam as family (in a COMPLETELY non incestuous way oh god) and not just because he has to cause of the script (like some bloggers these days think...which just. what show did you even watch bestie) but yeah. also, if we had to choose, I'd definitely choose sam as a casgirl. Because he appreciates him and looks up to him and cas's opinions really matter to him and he believes in him and wamts him to come home and thinks of him as best friend and family :)

Listen bestie. I get your points, I'm willing to say that Sam's a Casgirl bc he loves his bestie and always tries his best to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe even more than Dean's done.

HOWEVER. Let's go back to the part where you don't think Jack is Cascoded because their plotlines don't match. (Also; Sam didn't kill his mom. Azazel killed her 6 months after his birth. As for the manipulation thing; that happened to all three of them at some point.)

Let's look at your namings of Cas's plotlines:

huge sacrifices for love

Jack literally gave his life/was ready to give his life to save the Winchesters&Castiel on multiple occasions. He kneeled down before Dean's gun because he felt he deserved it, he wanted to kill himself in 13x23 to save Sam and the others, and his entire arc in season 15 was about sacrificing himself to kill God and Amara. So that Sam and Dean could finally be free.

hugely misguided attempts to make everything right

point I mean; this speaks for itself. Things go wrong and Jack always tries to fix it, even if it doesn't turn out well. A GREAT example is everything that went down with him and Dumah; him trying to make Heaven a better place (making angels, killing non-believers, etc) because he believed it'd make Sam and Dean happy, and it would redeem him from killing Mary. In fact, his soulless arc was pretty close to Cas's Godstiel arc. I could even pull up a few parallels for you.

loss of powers leaving him abandoned

He lost his powers in season 14. And yes, he wasn't left on the streets like Cas was. HOWEVER, he felt just as lost and abandoned as he did. Not physically but definitely emotionally. He had no one to connect with and felt useless and hopeless. He stole someone's grace afterwards, though, just like a certain angel we all know and love.

I get what you mean and Sam and Jack do have similar story arcs. But Jack has similar story arcs with all three of them, and he shares all their characteristics because he's their son. All three boys are his dads, but he only has one father and that's Cas. I just think he happens to share more of Cas's personality because he has the same squints, the same awkwardness around humans, the same confusion about specific trivia and the same love for the Winchesters.

Let's just agree to disagree at this point sjkfjsdklf we could go on and on about this.

I enjoy this, though <3 this is fun. I love getting to talk to you ppl about this stuff :D

[whentheynameyoujoy]

Women in SPN—Seasons 2 and 3

Previously on Joy Obsesses over a Show That Creatively Expired in 2010

Tessa

Introduced back when the Winchesters dodging the coffin actually qualified as an episode, she follows in Meg’s tracks by continuing to make monsters seem more approachable and less a malevolent force of nature. Starts off with a completely flat affect but gets annoyed with the Winchester bullshit real quick—a sure-fire sign of an SPN character with a brain. A powerful being capable of returning one’s memories by a smooch which is… convenient. As is the fact that bad guys keep using her for their ebul plans. Serves the typical secondary-character function of a springboard for a main guy’s development. Plants hints of the “natural order”, “destiny”, and “inevitability” which will become major themes down the road and be explored by characters with deeper writing.

Status: Alive as of s5

Importance: Minor, remembered primarily because she keeps popping up.

On her own: A nice addition to the lore.

Jo Harvelle

Originally Dean’s love interest until she got written out for the crime of having tits around the fandom’s husband. Driven by a wish to honor her dead father and become a hunter, she’s held back by the unfortunate fact of not being all that good at it. Cheerful, temperamental, and a pretty skilled hustler, she’s mortally wounded when charging in to protect Dean. Ends up sacrificing herself so that others can escape and attempt to end the Apocalypse.

Status: Dead as of s5, dragged back and disappeared again in s7

Importance: Major

On her own: A soldier going out in a blaze of glory. I bawl every time.

Ellen Harvelle

Unlike her daughter, very good at what she does. No-nonsense authority figure, she’s one of the few in the show to pull off a combination of a hand-wringing mama bear and a pro-active badass with a life outside her family. Not perceived as a threat because fans don’t know the meaning of MILF yet, and so is allowed to stick around for the season 2 finale. Dies to make Jo’s plan to obliterate Meg’s hellhounds work, though it’s strongly implied she mostly refuses to survive her kid.

Status: Dead

Importance: Major

On her own: SPN’s Molly Weasley, sullied by the implications of her death

Lenore

A head-strong leader of a nest of vegetarian vampires, she’s deliberately contrasted with Gordon’s Terminator schtick and to a lesser degree with Dean’s black-and-white monsters vs. humans kill-everything grief-cope in order to further cement SPN’s ongoing crusade of challenging who in fact is the monster around here. Has a crowning moment of awesome when she refuses to feed while covered in Sam’s blood. The entire point of her is her determination not to give up her humanity even when no longer human. Would be shame if the show decided to later abandon this essential part of her character and twist it for cheap drama…

Status: Alive as of s5, annihilated in every way in s6

Importance: Minor in the overall narrative, major in the episode and the boys’ development

On her own: An effective mirror to Dean’s stroll down the slippery slope

Diana Ballard

TheGoodCop manipulated by her professional and romantic partner, she has a surprisingly functional tension with Sam. Luckily for Linda Blair it goes unnoticed because the fandom doesn’t view older women as competition. Noteworthy mostly because she actively participates in uncovering the episode’s mystery which automatically elevates her above the standard clueless civilian, man or woman, who needs the duo to save them. Despite fewer appearances arguably more memorable than Henriksen, precisely because of her active involvement.

Status: Alive as of s5

Importance: Minor overall, a major player in the episode

On her own: Interesting take on the usual boilerplate cop

Ava Wilson

To present a very, very generous interpretation, she foreshadows Sam’s eventual turn to the dark side. Spirited, a little bit airheaded, and freaked about her Azazel-given powers, she gives enough of a damn to prevent her visions of people dying from coming true, though she clings to her intention to lead a normal civilian life. Does a complete switcheroo off-screen to become a villain because… power is awesome? Ends up the most advanced special child in season 2’s battle royale, the very concept of which is just… eh? Still gets dispatched no problem because… why not?

Status: Dead

Importance: Minor

On her own: A prime example of why the special children subplot is just…wot?

Molly McNamara

Memorable primarily because of the experimental (for SPN) narration which frames her as the duo’s partner when in fact she’s one of the things being hunted. For plot reasons spends her episode switching between being terrified, worried for her missing husband, and heartbroken. Can be somewhat tortuously argued to fit the theme of (not) overcoming grief and letting go, one of the few detectable threads in the directionless slog that’s season 2.

Status: Dead

Importance: Minor overall, major because she’s arguably the main character of her episode

On her own: Torture porny. Very torture porny.

Madison

Intelligent, educated, and with an endearing love of soaps, she’s responsible for one of the three watchable sex scenes in the entire show. Has a nice theme of personal growth and healing from trauma going on, although it’s cut short and undermined when she’s revealed as a werewolf and euthanized by none other than Sam himself. Her death is filmed as a narrative-changing tragedy before it goes on to become a joke in season 4.

Status: Dead

Importance: Major

On her own: No matter how you look at it, she’s a diseased dog that needs to be put down for her own good while the menz wallow in their manly manpain. A rare example of a storyline I don’t think can be tweaked to be even marginally less awful.

I believe maestro may have wanted to portray sadness here.

Tamara

Told to be an excellent hunter, she’s shown as needing to be saved in order not to end up like her husband who’s literally forced to gargle bleach. Introduces the notion of growing hostility against the Winchesters in the hunting community. Full of wrath to fit the episode’s one-off seven deadly sins schtick, she’s emphasized as emotional and not in control of herself to such a degree that it overshadows how she’s in fact fairly competent in the second half of the episode.

Status: Alive as of s5

Importance: Minor

On her own: Wouldn’t stand out this much if she weren’t one of the few POCs in the blinding whiteness that’s SPN’s Americana.

Ruby

Doesn’t have the most organic introduction (A cool intriguing sexy French fries loving not like other gurls sassy badass, with a superdooper special knife? How 2000s cringe can you get?) but quickly becomes one of the show’s most distinctive villains allies. She’s an ally. Totally. Don’t worry about it. A sarcastic smartass jerk who breathes lies and manipulation, she’s resourceful, thinks on her feet, and throws herself into the thick of action without hesitation—a trait that gets especially interesting in retrospect as it suggests a fanatic devotion to her real goal. Sadly, her motivation doesn’t get fleshed out beyond “she really likes Satan, I guess” (which, hey) as the writers prioritize the surprise of the revelation over her further character development. Has the second watchable sex scene in the entire show; the fandom weeps itself to sleep. Gets killed by her own weapon when the writers decide that a character who’s smarter than both protagonists combined could well do with a bit of the good ol’ lobotomizing.

Status: Dead

Importance: Supermegadoublemajor

On her own: The stupid nature of her demise and occasional wooden acting do their best but never overshadow the awesome that’s Ruby.

Lisa Braeden

Dean’s past fling who becomes a living symbol of his desire for the white-picket fence. Is implied to possess mad financial skills as she owns property on a yoga teacher’s salary while a single mom below the age of 30. A blank slate the likes of Cassie, she’s salvaged by better acting. Frequent frowning suggests the presence of an inner life though it doesn’t tend to manifest itself on screen or affect the plot. Her single established trait—blow-out assertiveness the moment things get too far—is exercised mostly in service to her son. Exists solely to give Dean something to pine for.

Status: Alive as of s5

Importance: Major

On her own: A tertiary character who so-so sustains her own episode.

Bela Talbot

The best expansion of the show’s lore after the host of heaven, she’s unequivocally a bad person who nevertheless evokes huge amounts of sympathy. A cynical self-serving dealer in supernatural objects who mirrors Dean’s cracking tough guy persona, due to her abuse and the resulting trauma she refuses to open up and rely on anyone out of principle, or be indebted to them. Her pride makes her clinically unable to ask for help until it’s too late, and even forego mentioning personal history when it’d actively benefit her by softening the horrible impression others have of her. Switching between being an antagonist and the duo’s reluctant ally, she manages to outwit them roughly 90% of time. The fact that she has sexual tension with Dean while Sam lusts after her to the point of literal drooling sends fans apoplectic.

Status: Dead

Importance: Major

On her own: A complex character brought down by her own flaws.

Casey

A demon, she’s torn between wanting to enact the Apocalypse and just chilling with her soulmate. Definitely a fanfic reader because her idea of dealing with danger is to shut herself with her enemy in a room and have a lengthy theological debate. Very outspoken about humanity’s propensity for evil. Outcomplexes Lilith and to a lesser extent Ruby as she’s allowed to openly address her life philosophy. While the dialogue format of her scenes is designed to give Dean space to talk about his feelings regarding his impending demise, it’s more or less an equal push-pull exchange. She’s smart, captivating, capable, and in love, i.e. things SPN just isn’t interested in keeping around.

Status: Dead

Importance: Minor in the overall narrative, major in the episode and Dean’s development

On her own: Could have been so good if allowed to stick around

Gertrude Case

A rich elderly creep whose gropy ways are played for laughs because she’s a woman I guess. Either can’t read social cues or doesn’t give a fuck about people’s obvious discomfort. But don’t worry, it’s hilarious. She’s a woman, you see. What harm have those ever done.

Status: I’m going to assume dead by now, otherwise alive as of s5

Importance: A major figure in Sam’s life since she sexually assaulted him. Otherwise minor.

On her own: Sexual harassment is fun, kids

Lucy

Take Molly McNamara, strip her of any pretence at thematic relevance, minimize her importance while playing up her suffering, and then remove her like a broken Christmas decoration while making sassy remarks—voilà, you’ve ended up with the exact simplistic image that pops into one’s head when the words Supernatural and women are mentioned in a sentence.

Status: Dead

Importance: Non-existent

On her own: Just… why

Astaroth

Approaches awesomehood as her demonic business operation is built around preying on bored suburban hausfraus and taking their souls in exchange for magical powers, which they then use to secure benign materialistic keeping-up-with-the-joneses crap and devour one another like a bunch of assholes whose death you can’t help but eagerly anticipate. Srsly, eff those ladies. Stands out as the only (implied) lesbian in the Kripke arc.

Status: Dead

Importance: Minor, not even the real monster of the week when compared to the coven

On her own: There’s probably another discussion about Doylist sexism hidden around somewhere that I’m not really interested in having. Go Astaroth.

Nancy Fitzgerald

Sugar and spice and every other cliché about kindness combined in a pretty sweet package. Plot demands her to be a virgin for some reason, even though this aspect of her character doesn’t amount to anything in the story and only serves to contrast Nancy’s… purity with Ruby who we’re being constantly told is a “slut” and a “whore” and I have no idea how that’s supposed to work. Then again, Nancy’s virginity is framed as a valid personal choice in a rather empowering moment so that’s good. Has standards because even after deciding to let go of her chastity vow, she won’t settle for just any loser who happens to stand around converting oxygen into CO2. Her “cause manpain out of nowhere”-type death is one of the few of this category in the show which actually work because the cruel pointless nature of it is precisely the point (and at least she’s not the only one who doesn’t survive, please ignore how the episode literally says her demise is the most tragic because she never got laid, barfs).

Status: Dead

Importance: Minor

On their own: A textbook definition of a cinnamon

Lilith

An overarching menace that doesn’t spend too much time on screen, she’s a prop rather than her own person. This gets highlighted the moment the show stops casting her as a clichéd creepy child who likes to larp as that Twilight Zone kid, and turns her into the standard hawt chick in a will-they-won’t-they episode. No interiority as she goes along with a plan which requires her obliteration, without at least allowing her to explore her religious motivation. Ruby does all the heavy lifting in this partnership.

Status: Dead

Importance: Major

On her own: For the life of me I can’t make sense of her actions in s4. But the clichéd creepy kid is adorbs so points for memorability.

Maggie Zeddmore

The straight man to the Ghostfacers’ utterly delightful douchefacery. Manages to keep up with Harry and Ed in terms of hilarity because not only is she exactly as out of place as them, she decides to role-play her childhood-friends-to-lovers fanfic in the middle of a haunted house as the best sister that she is.

Status: Alive as of s5

Importance: Minor

On her own: Love at first geek

Next, season 4 and 5 before I try to figure out what this all adds up to.

[samclownchester]

Supernatural Rewatch 04x07

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

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For one thing, the title of this episode invites us to analyse it as it relates to “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” a story about Charlie’s friend, Linus, who believes in a Great Pumpkin that will come on Halloween night. A story all about fruitless belief and disappointment. But is Sam Linus, or is Cas? (someone else write this essay or pay me to write it because I will)

Let’s talk about Sam’s faith journey

When Sam first meets the angels, he is filled with awe. He is so excited to see them, and then the first thing Cas says to him is:

CASTIEL:

Sam Winchester –The boy with the demon blood.

That is how the angels see him, that’s how they define him. Then they tell them that they are willing to destroy an entire town instead of just finding and killing the witch.

SAM:

There are a thousand people here.

URIEL:

One thousand two hundred fourteen.

SAM:

And you’re willing to kill them all? … No, you can’t do this, you’re angels, I mean aren’t you supposed to – You’re supposed to show mercy.

His faith is shaken.  

SAM:

I thought they’d be different. … I mean, I thought they’d be righteous.

DEAN:

Well, they are righteous, I mean, that’s kinda the problem. Of course there’s nothing more dangerous than some a-hole who thinks he’s on a holy mission.

SAM:

But, I mean, this is God? And Heaven? This is what I’ve been praying to?

DEAN:

Look man, I know you’re into the whole God thing, you know, Jesus on a tortilla and stuff like that. But just because there’s a couple of bad apples doesn’t mean the whole barrel’s rotten. I mean, for all we know, God hates these jerks. Don’t give up on this stuff, is all I’m saying. Babe Ruth was a dick but baseball’s still a beautiful game.

Ok this … what Dean says here means a lot to me. Dean doesn’t understand Sam’s faith, he never has, and he normally doesn’t turn down a chance to criticize it, but when he sees that his little brother is really starting to doubt, he tries to steady the faith crisis as best he can. He knows how much a belief in God, a belief in some higher being who is watching out for them, means to Sam, and instead of tearing down Sam’s fragile faith in this moment, which he very much could do, he tries to argue that maybe they’re not all bad, grasping for something to let Sam keep holding on to. 😭 😭 😭

Of course, it’s not enough. As anyone who’s dealt with a faith crisis will know, once you notice the flaws in the system you used to trust, being reminded that, perhaps, the flaws are a fluke and the rest of it is really the good thing you imagined it to be … never really works. He’s seen the cracks and he can’t go back to the belief and reverence he had before. Not only are Castiel and Uriel personally dismissive of Sam, but they are about to kill a thousand people and won’t listen to reason or have compassion. They are nothing like what he thought he had faith in, and we know from his relationship with John that Sam is not someone who will put faith and trust above his own logic and understanding unless he is given a very good reason.

SAM:

So, this demon’s pretty powerful … Might take more than the usual weapons.

DEAN:

Sam, no, you’re not using your psychic whatever … because the angels said so for one –

SAM:

I thought you said they were a bunch of fanatics.

DEAN:

Well they happen to be right about this one.

SAM:

I don’t know, Dean, it doesn’t seem like they’re right about much.

Sam quit using his powers in 4x04 after Dean told him that was what the angels wanted, he quit after seeing Jack give in to his monstrous nature and thinking maybe that was what was in store for him. But now that he knows that he morally disagrees with the angels on a pretty big point (Sam would never let a thousand people die, no matter the cost) he feels pretty sure that he can make his own moral decisions regardless of what the angels think. So, he decides to use his powers. He defeats Samhain before he can raise too many dead and wreak too much havok, and he saves the day. And still Uriel comes to him and admonishes him for using what Azazel gave him.

We get a little bit more insight into Cas in this episode. Firstly, they have this conversation regarding faith and obedience

CASTIEL:

We have no choice.

DEAN:

Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, what? You’ve never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you both, just a couple of hammers?

CASTIEL:

Look, even if you can’t understand it, have faith. The plan is just. … it comes from heaven, that makes it just.

DEAN:

Oh, it must be nice, to be so sure of yourselves.

CASTIEL:

Tell me something, Dean, when your father gave you an order, didn’t you obey?

(Which … the parallels between Dean’s dedication to John and subsequent rejection of him and Castiel’s faith in Heaven and later rebellion??? Amazing)

But, in this conversation Cas seems to have complete faith in his orders, but it is later revealed that he was (you guessed it) LYING in that scene, and their true orders were to “do whatever [Dean] told them to do,” so when Dean said no, they had to back down. And then Cas opens up even further and reveals that, although he claimed that he had faith and believed any order from heaven to be just, he actually has doubts.

CASTIEL:

You misunderstand me, Dean, I’m not like you think. … I’m not a hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore.

This also shows us that, so far, Cas has only lied to Dean when he is under orders to do so. When he gets the chance, he gives Dean real honesty about his motivations and beliefs.

[writingfromkitchenator]

The Demon, The Hunter, and The Halfblood

Masterlist

Crowley x Original Female Character

Chapters: One | Two

Series Warnings: A/B/O series, some Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, Alpha x Omega, obligatory smut warning here (as usual, no under 18′s please, specifics will be within chapter warnings as needed), violence, blood, fluff, angst, major character death, possession, swearing

Chapter 3

Words: 2,353

By the time Dean was back, Madelyn had convinced Bobby to take Casey for a walk, so the three of them could have time to work all this out.  Dean wasn't happy about it, especially when Bobby threw him a set of keys as he passed, telling him to let him out.

When Sam too insisted, Crowley was greeted by a very pissed off Dean opening the door.

“About bloody time!” Crowley growled, glaring at Dean darkly. “What have you-"

He's cut off as Madelyn steps in around Dean, smiling, but very clearly injured.  “You really do like getting yourself into all sorts of trouble, don't you?”

Crowley frowned. “You're hurt.”

“Nothing I can't and haven't dealt with before,” She said lightly, eyeing off the devils trap.  “Casey is safe, that's all that matters.”

Anger curled in Dean's stomach as he watched Crowley's shoulders visibly relax.  “Are you done?”

Madelyn ignores him and pulls out a knife, tossing it into the trap, cutting straight through one of the outside lines.  “Yes.”

Crowley was watching between the two of them, barely even registering he was free.  Dean's animosity was burning away a black ball in his stomach.  “Has it really gotten so bad again?”

Dean glared at him. “What do you think?”

“Don't mind him,” Madelyn said, stepping over to Crowley and starting to straighten out his suit. “He's just being childish at the moment, probably hasn't knotted a good Omega in a while.”

A growl was in Dean's throat as he marched forward, only to find Crowley suddenly planted firmly between himself and Madelyn.  “At least I haven't been letting a demon fuck me for five years.”

“Step back,” Crowley's tone was cold, his eyes flashing dangerously into the red for a brief moment. “You won't dare lay a hand on her.”

Dean and Crowley sized each other up for a long moment before Dean slowly backed down, letting out a slow breath and glaring over at Madelyn, who looked unfazed.  “There used to be a time when you would go toe to toe with me.”

Madelyn raises an eyebrow. “Just because Crowley stepped in the way, doesn't mean I won't Dean, wounded or no. I do recommend, however, pulling your head out of your arse and seeing the bigger picture for a moment, okay?”

He fought down whatever it was that he wanted to say and turned and stalked from the room.

Crowley let out a slow breath.  “If I'd know it was that bad...”

“Trust me dear, we've always had that effect on each other.”  Madelyn said, joining his side and kissing his cheek.  “I've learnt not to take it personally.”

He grabbed her gently as she goes to walk away, pulling her back to him and looking her over, his brows knitting in concern.  “What happened?”

Madelyn shrugs.  “Some demons broke in and took Casey.  I dealt with it.”

Crowley's frown deepened. “They took her?”

“Yeah, and I dealt with it.” She rests a hand on Crowley's cheek with a small smile.  “She's fine, I promise, just eager to see her dad.”

Sighing, Crowley leans into her palm, one hand brushing down to hover over the wound.  “And this?”

“It'll heal,” Madelyn said. “One of ‘em just got lucky is all. It's nothing to worry about.”

Crowley didn't look convinced, but he didn't get a chance to say anything else as Madelyn led the way out.

“Daddy!”

Casey screamed and bolted over to Crowley before he'd barely set foot in the room, Madelyn smiling as she resumed her position on the couch.

Crowley scooped her up and held her close.  “Hello pumpkin, are you alright?”

She nods, but doesn’t loosen her grip from around his neck, her head buried against him.

“I'm sorry I wasn't back in time,” Crowley said softly to her, his fingers brushing through her hair. “But I heard Mummy dealt with them for me.”

Casey nods again, her voice muffled against his jacket.  “They scared me.” She then finally looks up at him.  “And they hurt Mummy.”

Madelyn and Crowley share a look.  “Uncle Sam patched me up baby, I'm okay.”

Casey pouts at her. “You're still in pain.”

Madelyn smiles.  “For now, it'll go away soon though, I promise.”

Mumbling something, Casey curls back into Crowley and goes silent.

Bobby was the first to break the odd silence that had filled the room, clearing his throat. “Well...while I'm he- glad that you and Casey are alright Madelyn, I would still really love an explanation on what is going on.”

Dean snorts, standing in a corner of the room, drinking a beer.

“I would've thought it would be obvious by now Bobby,” Madelyn spoke softly and nods to Casey.  “I had to go because of her.”

“Don't give me that,” Dean said loudly.  “You know full well you could've asked us-"

“For help?”  Madelyn asked, staring at Dean.  “Would the three of you even have believed me? Not to mention the questions that would've come about on who the father was.”

Crowley cleared his throat, nodding at Casey, whose eyes were drifting shut, still exhausted after the events of the night before.

Madelyn sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose for a moment.  “Bobby...is there somewhere that we can put Casey down for a nap?”

Bobby takes the hint and nods, leading Crowley and Casey upstairs.

“Do the two of you really think this has been easy?” Madelyn asked tiredly, looking between her brothers, but the question was more directed at Dean.  “Do you really think I wanted to hurt you all this way?”

Upstairs, aware that Bobby was waiting outside the door, Crowley put Casey down into the spare bed.

She blinked sleepily up at Crowley.  “Daddy?”

Crowley smiles at her, tucking her in.  “Yes pumpkin?”

“Does Uncle Dean hate me?”

He had always known that there would be things about Casey that he or Madelyn wouldn't be able to predict, and they had both agreed early on to keep it all as calm as possible for her, so his expression remained passive.  “No Casey, he just takes some time to come around to new people, that's all.”

“Oh,” She frowned a little, but then yawned widely.  “Okay.”

Crowley smiles at her and kisses her forehead.  “You get some sleep now.  By the sounds of it, you had an overly exciting night.  We'll all just be downstairs.”

Casey returns her smile, her eyes drifting shut before she'd even rolled over and curled up into the blankets.

Crowley watched her for a moment, his chest aching, before the sound of raised voices drew him back down to the drama downstairs.

He stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him and silently sealing it, so Casey wouldn't be disturbed.  As he turned, he found Bobby giving him an odd look.  “What?”

Bobby was frowning. “Nothing.  You just never struck me as the fatherly type.”

Crowley refrained from rolling his eyes.  “It's funny how actually having a child changes that, among other things.”

Bobby's gaze moves down the stairs, where the voices were growing louder.  Sighing, he hurries down.  “Yeah...funny that.”

The two of them half expected Dean to be at Madelyn again, but they were both surprised when instead it was Sam and Dean facing off, Madelyn still in her position on the lounge, looking rather bored with what was going on.

“Why do you always defend her?” Dean shouted.  “Why do you always have to take her side?”

“I don't Dean!”  Sam shouted back.  “But losing your head every time she even says something you don't like, isn't going to help!”

“And with damned good reason!”  A growl entered Dean’s voice.  “She lied to us about Dad, she knew where he was.  She lied to us about what she’d been doing during that whole Hell Gate thing; she didn’t even turn up when we told her Dad was dead!  She then lied to me about where you were and then you died. She-”

“If I can remind you,” Madelyn said coolly.  “That in that case I was possessed by Azazel.”

“Like it makes any fucking difference,” Dean growled, glaring at her coldly.  “Who knows what the hell he did in that head of yours, and for all I know, he set this up too!”

“I can guarantee you, he didn’t.”  Crowley said, looking more than a little annoyed.  “Or did you actually forget he wanted to free Lucifer?”

“You stay out of this,” Dean snapped.  “This is between the three of us.”

“Dean,” Sam said quietly. “We’ve all done things that screwed each other at some point, but constantly taking it out on each is not the way to go about it!  Now, please, can we handle this calmly?”

Dean’s breathing was heavy and he glared at Madelyn, the two of them holding each other’s gaze for a long moment, green into green.  “Answer my question.”

Madelyn looked unperturbed. “As I said, it was hardly a convenient situation, for either of us, so no, I wasn’t in league with him, as you so aptly put it.  It was a…unfortunate case of incorrect timing, poor timing and a lot of strange events.”

“Stop being vague,” Dean growled, causing Sam to roll his eyes.  “You and Crowley hated each other when you first met, how the hell does something like happen?  Last I checked you didn’t just have a kid with someone you hated.”

“Oh, but fucking is okay?” Madelyn said, earning a wince from Sam and Dean.

“Don’t be crass Mads,” Bobby said, taking his own seat, watching her carefully, taking note of the way she was sitting, as if she was perfectly in control of the room.  “And I think you owe me answers most of all.”

“Bobby-”

“Shut it Dean,” Bobby said, keeping his gaze on Madelyn.  “You know as well as I do that she’s never reacted well to an aggressive approach.”

“Oh, I don’t know about reacting well,” Madelyn said, a smirk tugging at her lips.  “More like just ensuring that no one treads on me, especially an Alpha who thinks he knows better.”

“Didn’t stop you from covering for Dad,” Dean said coldly.  “And clearly didn’t stop you from-”

“It’s very important for you not to finish that sentence, Dean.”  Madelyn said, her tone sharp.  “Otherwise I’ll show you just how ready I am to beat your arse in, no matter who’s around.”

Bobby cleared his throat, breaking the two’s glare at each other, and gives a particularly pointed look at Madelyn.  “Mads?”

After a moment, Madelyn sighs and looks at Crowley, who shrugs.  “We knew this would happen eventually.”

“So supportive,” She huffed. “You owe for letting it slip to them by way.”

“Just one of the many things I owe you for, it seems.”

She grins at him and then adjusts in the chair, wincing slightly.  “Well…I suppose the beginning as a good a spot as any.”  She ignores Dean folding his arms and Sam looking more than worried.  “You were correct Dean, Crowley and I despised each other when all this started, and we both had our own reasons for it of course, he was a demon-”

“-and she was a Winchester who had already been a pain in my side multiple times.”  Crowley said.  “And although we hadn’t met until you two decided she should be involved in the Apocalypse, we were both very aware of the other.”

“You were hunting crossroad demons, right?”  Sam asked, looking at Madelyn.  “After what happened to Dean?”

“I was hunting all sorts of demons,” Madelyn said.  “But it did seem I had a particular knack for crossroad demons, yes.  A lot of them seemed to think that they could easily get another Winchester under their belt and earn a quick promotion, which, of course, they then paid for.  A part of it was for Dean, sure, but a lot of it was for myself, you three know as well as I do I wasn’t the same after Azazel was in my head.”

“Of course, I was also determined to work my way up the ranks if I could,” Madelyn continued. “Couldn’t risk another one trying to awaken Lucifer or using Sam-”

“That worked well.” Crowley said.

“Yes, thank you dear.” Madelyn shot him a look.  “Anyway, you speak to enough demons, you learn a thing or two, and that was how I got word of Crowley.  Now, just imagine my reaction when, not only was the demon I hunting very aware I was coming for him, but my own two brothers were working with him in some sort of ludicrous deal.”

“But that was after Lucifer,” Sam said, frowning.  “You were trying to track Crowley down for that long?”

“Among dealing with the occasional angel that came along,” Madelyn said, shooting Crowley another look as he went to answer Sam.  “But just because Lucifer appeared, didn’t mean I was going to stop hunting demons, as far I was concerned at the time, Lucifer then became the end game.”

“I always knew you were crazy Mads,” Bobby grumbled.  “But I never thought you were that crazy.”

Madelyn shrugs.  “You gotta have goals in life, right?  Hardly seems important now.”

“If it’s any consolation, you did exorcise and kill a lot of demons,” Crowley said.  “Which was the only reason I knew who you were.”

“Get to the point,” Dean said.  “How the hell did you get from hating each other to this?”

“Have some patience Squirrel,” Crowley said, earning a glare from Dean.  “It is hardly a short story and you two do tend to interrupt with questions.”  He shares a look with Madelyn, who nods.  “Not to mention, this is…delicate.  If what really happened got out of this room, then there could be very dire consequences, not just for myself, Madelyn and Casey as well, I’m talking for a lot of others out there, particularly Omega’s.”

“Since when do you give a damn?”  Dean asked.

“Just give us a chance Dean,” Madelyn said quietly, the tension in Dean’s shoulders easing a little.  “Let us explain from the beginning.”

[the-trashy-phoenix]

Supernatural season 2 review (part 2)

Link to part 1:

Irene and I have finished watching Supernatural season 2 (we're already on season 3), so here it comes my review on it. I like this season more than the first one: we already know this supernatural world and have learnt to love the brothers, and since the big bad guy isn't dead yet we want to see what happens next. The plot evolves from the first season, we understand many things we didn't before and it is all suddenly way more interesting (meanwhile I feel like the most interesting thing in the first season were the single episodes). Sam's psychics abilities have a purpose and we learn there's sort of a pattern involving other people, the same age as Sam, who have all the same destiny: to become warriors for an upcoming war. In this season we have the chance to see more of Azazel (the yellow-eyed demon), what he's capable of and what he has done to Sam (and the consequences of it, including how Dean has to deal with all of this, meanwhile being in a terrible position). At the end of the season, even if he's been defeated by John himself, we know Sam is not back to normal (and we also know the truth about Azazel is not totally revealed, since we now know Mary had already met the demon before the night she died).

Season 1 ends with the car accident, so the first thing we see in the first episode of the second season is the brothers and John in the hospital. Dean is almost dead and has no chance of surviving, but John makes a deal with Azazel and dies instead of Dean (sacrificing the colt too). I understand why John would do that (one of the not-many-things I understand about his behaviour), but I also think this is one of the many things he has done that leads to Dean suffering and blaming it all over himself. No wonder why this boy behaves the way he behaves: he has all of this emotional pain he carries with him since he was basically four years old. Of course Dean doesn't talk about his father's death and acts like it's not affecting him, although it does, a lot. Sam's reaction is different, but I think it was very appropriate: the thing is most upset about is the fact that he and his father had never actually gotten along very well and that they had a fight right before John's death. I also think that both brothers haven't had quite the opportunity to grief from their father's death (just be sad for his absence and think about their true feelings for him), because they were to focus on bigger events involving John's last moments with them. Another thing that keeps them occupied is the main problem in this season, Azazel and all that he causes.

There's a thing I forgot about and that, as I rewatched the season, surprised me: Dean already wants to quit hunting. The fact that he is even more fed up than Sam shows us that in reality, as much as he wanted to be like his father and behave like John told him to, he doesn't want to live the life he is supposed to live (and we can also see it in episode 02x20, in which Dean sees what his life could have been without the death of his mother and demonstrates lots of courage by choosing to return to his normal life anyway). Knowing both what Dean wants and all that things that happen later in the other seasons, this makes me very sad.

Since we're speaking of Dean, I was left a bit shocked by his lack of hesitance on killing the people with the Croatoan virus (02x09). I get that he wanted to stop the virus, but they remained people, and of course when Sam gets the virus he doesn't kill him, which is more than understandable, but it also means that he could've at least waited a bit more before killing the others.

Since I've seen all of the other seasons rewatching 02x13 has been pretty funny, especially because of Dean. He keeps telling he doesn't believe in the angels’ crap and, well, we all know he's gonna change his mind. I also like that Sam is still faithful after all he's been through and especially since he's in this position of supernatural-slightly-demonic powers.

Speaking of which, John leaves a message to Dean before dying: if he can't save Sam from his powers he has to kill him instead of letting him become evil. This leads Dean to have two big thoughts hunting him, his supposed duty to kill his brother and his guilt for his father's death. I always feel like all the responsibilities grow on him and I would love it if he could have a way to release these feelings in some ways, but of course he never does it properly. It turns out Sam agrees with his father and tells Dean to kill him, but Dean has no intention of doing it (reasonably). In this season we can see how much Sam is scared of his psychic abilities, almost as if he's scared of turning in a monster (and we can see it clearly in what I think is the saddest episode of the season, 02x17, in which Sam has to kill the girl who turned out to be a werewolf).

I like how the writers have developed the jail theme, having episodes 02x07, 02x12, 02x19, in which the brothers have to face justice for what they've apparently done. The thing I like the most about these episodes is the fact that we know the Winchester have been in trouble with the law for good reasons, it is frustrating (but in a good way) to see the other people mistaking them for the bad guys (till a point they're even called monsters) and we can't even be mad at the cops, because they don't know the truth.

In this season there are introduced some new characters. First of all, I have to mention the trickster, not just because he provides the most senseless episode of the season (02x15, which I love), but also because I know his time on Supernatural is not over yet, fortunately. We also meet Ellen and Jo Harvelle, a mother and her daughter who own and manage the Roadhouse, a bar attended mostly by hunters, in which we find another character, Ash. I like all three of them for different reasons. Ash, the one with less screen time, is not as important as the other two, but he gives some funny moments and he's a smart guy (and I like the scene where Dean compliments his hairstyle). Ellen is a sweet and strong woman hurt by the death of her husband and a caring mother who doesn't want her daughter to have the same faith as her father. Jo, my favourite, is a passionate young girl who wants to follow her father's footprints and become a hunter. I honestly like her character a lot and the dynamic she has with dean in season two (end especially how they don't make out the second Dean enter the bar), they care about each other (Jo probably more than Dean does for now) and I love the fact that he has a girl in his life he doesn't just want to fuck (or viceversa), but who he can also kinda rely on. The only thing I don’t really get is the way she treats him after she finds out her father was with John when he died during a hunt (and that John was probably a part of what caused his death). I understand that she probably thinks (like her mother) that Dean would do the same thing with her, but it’s not like he has already done it, and he actually doesn’t know anything about what happened to her father.

There is also another character who's introduced in the first seasons but who has much more screen time in this one: Bobby Singer. He's one of my favourite characters on Supernatural ever and, I mean, who doesn't think it the same way? He's a loving, but also grumpy, old man who can perfectly sostituite John in his father role, indeed he's much better than him. He doesn't treat Sam and Dean as soldiers, but as his children first, and he cares about what troubles them and what inner thoughts they're facing. And that leads us at the end of the season, when Dean has already made the deal with a demon to bring his brother back to life (a thing Dean has condemned before, especially because his father did the same for him, which demonstrated a bit of hypocrisy, even if it's comprehensible). Bobby is mad at him and for good reasons: he understands Dean wanting Sam back and doesn't blame him for it, but what worries Bobby the most is the little (almost non-existent) care Dean reserves for himself. His self esteem (which is talked about more in the third season) seems so low he doesn't even care if he ends up in hell (and that he will in about a year). All he's been good at is being a good soldier and keeping his brother safe, protecting him, so when he faces the fact he hasn't saved Sam he can't live without bringing him back to life, even if that means sacrificing himself in the most terrible way. Sam now has to live with the weight of his brother's death and trip to hell (beside worrying about the upcoming war with the demons who escaped hell), but these are the main themes of season 3.

- Carly 💚

[lovecomedy]

Fanfic recommendations nobody asked for

Those are my favorite wincest fic ever, just because. They are all complete. I’ll add the summaries together with my own two cents.

Consider the Hairpin Turn by cherie_morte. 27K Words

AU of 6x22: Sam's wall has shattered and the memories in his mind have splintered. When the Sam who remembers Hell tells him to go find Jess and be happy, Sam knows he can't stay while Dean needs him. But when the Sam from Hell says that Dean is already there looking for him, Sam leaves his memories of the pit behind to find him.

What he finds is a life he doesn't remember: a house that he shares with his brother (and has for years), a law career he thought he'd left behind at Stanford, and a relationship with Dean he never dreamed he could have. Life is almost too good to be true, at least until Sam begins to hear his brother's voice calling to him, begging him to wake up.

This is my favorite fic of all times. It’s beautifuly written. The way that it narrates Sam’s trauma of Hell is what keeps me coming back for more . Honestly it should be published as a book. Don’t worry, it has very happy scenes and there’s a happy ending

Welcome to the Neighborhood by ImogenPortchester. 2K Words

Dean thinks the new neighbors are interesting, but all is not what it seems.

Super short. Super heartbreaking.

Fics by leonidaslion

I mean first off, just read everything written by leonidaslion

Sing Your Hymns Like Angels In Defeat. 32K Words. 

And Lucifer Fell for a second time with the burning brilliance of a star. The Flare shone in his wake, and darkness fell upon the land ...

Dean goes blind, and I love how it describes Dean’s stuggles with it. You feel like you’re blind with him. Really, really, REALLY well written. Should probably also be a book

Fumbling in the Dark: Love Advice For the Romantically Impaired. 72K

True Love really is blind...

It’s basically a character study of every single episode of the first 5 seasons, with a wincest twist. Slow burn. Holy shit, is it a slow burn. 

Just Say My Name. 3K Words

Dean turns into a complete and utter nympho. It takes Sam a while to notice the difference.

Funny, lighthearted and porny

Hush. 2K Words

Motel walls are thin...

Discovery!kink. Sam and Dean try to have quiet sex while John is in the other room. At least, Dean is trying

Sam Winchester and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. 15K Words

Sometimes, you just shouldn't get out of bed in the morning ...

Fics by fleshflutter

Dark Side of the Moon. 20K Words

Cursed!Dean is deaf and blind. Sam deals.

The incestuous courtship of the antichrist's bride. 48K Words

Sam is trying to become the Antichrist in order to save the world. He has a small army of angels and demons, he has an adoring cult, he has a work of prophecy by Jack Kerouac, and he has Dean. Things are going pretty well until he accidentally signs Dean up as his Beloved Consort, a role that requires sex with the Antichrist on an altar. And that's when things stop going pretty well. Also, the soundtrack to the Apocalypse sucks.

I don’t like crack fics, but goddamn this one is FUNNY. You can tell a lot of thought was put into this freaking masterpiece

Captured by the Game by rivkat. 54K Words

AU. Azazel has given his favorite son a task: worm his way into the confidence of a hunter. It sounds simple, but Dean Winchester just might be more than Sam can handle.

It wasn’t real by NaughtyPastryChef. 1K Words

Sam is trying to explain to Dean where he was when Dean was stuck in purgatory. It starts with "I hit a dog" and then, suddenly, inexplicably, they both know exactly where Sam was.

Wonderful explanation for that arc in season 8 nobody can stand. Plus, time travel, which I’m always a sucker for

Backseat of My Brother's 67 Chevy by NaughtyPastryChef. 1K Words

Extended scene from "Baby". Dean's feeling proud of Sam's hookup until he hears that Sam tried to give that waitress his number. Uncharacteristically, he lets Sam force him to talk about it. 

Bury My Old Soul, and Dance on its Grave by  dreamlittleyo. 2K Words

Dean knows how far he can push Sam.

Antichrist!Sam and Consort!Dean. Codependent winchesters. Yeah

Graveside Blues by hunenka. 3K Words

He uses his body like a blanket, like a shield.

I like how protective Sam is of Dean here, and it deals with something I don’t see a lot such as the jealousy he would have of Dean’s bond with Amara

own it by orphan_account. 6K Words

But he's never going to be able to burn the image of Sam cradling one hand around the perfect curve of Dean's face, dropping the other to the cut of Dean's hip (made for fingers and tongues to trail down, to taste), walking Dean backward until Dean is flush against the wall and Sam is flush against him. This is something that can't be denied.

John finds out. Explores the wonderful trope of both Sam and his father being possessive of Dean, and being very antagonistical to each other. Dysfunctional family yay. Also very porny

Fics by astolat

Punxsutawney. 9K Words

* astolat thinks any plot worth doing is worth doing TWICE

This is the Mistery Spot plot, but a little different. Sam AND Dean wake up to the same day over and over again. So they talk.

Kings and Queens and Jokers, Too. 4K Words

"Yeah, you boys nailed that trickster real good," Bobby said, dry as dust.

People are acting weird around the brothers. Can’t really say anything else without spoiling it. Listen just do yourself a favor and read it. 

options. 500 Words

Decisions, decisions. 

Short and funny. Little bit porny

Desired. 2K Words

He hadn't even known about any of this himself until Sam found it, figured it out for him. He hadn't known how it was going to be.

So, smut. They have a better time when Dean is the one who asks for it

Rockabye Sammy... by  AnotherWorld3111. 1K Words

Sam can’t sleep, so Dean tries to help.

Sam keeps hallucinating Lucifer. Dean is worried and protective of him. Porny

We Know Each Other As We Always Were by mickeym. 45K Words

In 1941, while the world is at war, Sam Winchester falls in love with his brother. They're young, they're in love, and in spite of the hardships of life around them, the world is a pretty good one for them. Until Dec. 7th, 1941, when Japan launches an air attack on Pearl Harbor, sending the US to war against Japan. Dean Winchester feels he needs to join the Army; needs to help fight the good fight and help save lives. He promises he'll return, but can he keep that promise?

GAH this is so romantic! It’s an AU, but I feel like they’re very in character. It feels like a novel

For The End of My Broken Heart by Wickedtruth. 59K Words

Dad's disappeared and Sam's left to pick up the pieces of his broken brother. Post Devil's Trap AU.

Very codependent Winchesters. Also John finds out. 

here at the end of all things by  remy (iamremy). 40K Words

AU from Season 12 onwards. The British Men of Letters win in the USA, and slowly manage to establish their bases and authority over the whole country. They also capture Sam Winchester and keep him prisoner for eleven months, experimenting on him regularly before wiping his memories so that he has no idea what has been done to him.

Even after Dean rescues him and they begin planning to get revenge once and for all, the niggling doubt at the back of Sam's head remains -- what did they do to him? Why won't his anxiety get better? And what is it that he's missing?

Ok you got me, this is gen. But the whole fic feels like a (good) Supernatural episode, it’s so realistic and canon-like. The relationship between the brothers is just like the one we see on the show, meaning desperately codependent and wincest in every subtext.

Fics by deadlybride / zmediaoutlet

What I like about @zmediaoutlet is that she takes the time to write everyone in character. It’s always as canonical as possible and it feels real

femme. 4K Words

Rummaging around the internet, Dean finds a kink he hadn't seen before; Sam explains, and demonstrates.

I love feminization, but unfourtunately there’s only one fic that does it right, and it’s this one

gratification. 2K Words

It's not a compulsion. Dean just likes it.

breña. 1K Words

Sam and Dean wait, knowing what's coming.

The night before Sam jumps in the box

not the good things, nor the bad. 20K

Dean wavers in a grey area between being taken and giving in.

Part of it started with the kinks series, but you can read this just fine without the other parts. It deals very beautifully with Dean’s thoughts regarding his bond with Amara and his sexuality

DeMille Has Nothing On Us by  HandsAcrossTheSea. 13K Words

"Hey Dean - wanna film it?"

This is part of the Those Hazy Days I Do Remember series, but you can 100% read it as a stand-alone, no problem. Sam and Dean film each other and this has that season 1 vibe, of just two brothers on the road. It’s slightly OOC, just because of how touchy-feely they are. But that’s something I sometimes wish we could have on the show, anyway

How many floors to realize by Lazy Daze. 26K Words

AU from the end of It’s A Terrible Life, in which Zachariah decides to keep stringing them along a little while longer, because damn if they aren’t somewhat entertaining, right?”

Rabid by i-am-therefore-i-fight 

Beautiful!! I love @i-am-therefore-i-fight‘s take on demon!dean. It’s different to what we’re used to. This fic is very angsty but has a happy ending

Bitten by a True Believer by kermiethefrog. 3K Words

“C’mon, Sammy,” Dean says. Flashes him a wicked grin, charcoal-eyes. The way he spreads out on Sam’s mattress, bare and offering himself up like Holy fucking Communion, drums heat under Sam’s skin, and he’s never sure if it’s arousal or anger when he’s faced with the demon. “Show me a good time, big guy.”

Another demon!dean fic. I like how even as he is a demon, he is still desperate for Sam’s attention

The Time Traveler's Brother by  AmyPond45. 54K Words

Dean's life is turned upside down the night his mother dies. But that's also the night a mysterious grown-up version of Dean's brother first appears in his life. While Dean grows up, "Old Sam" is often there, especially when Dean's father isn't. As Dean learns what the future holds, he begins to question everything his father has taught him about who he is and what he is supposed to become. Can Dean find a way to save his little brother from his own future?

This is based on The Time Traveler’s Wife, which is my favorite book. Don’t worry, you don’t have to have read it to understand this fic

need against need against need by dollylux. 5K Words

Jack spends his first night in the bunker with Sam and Dean. (Jack POV)

Don’t worry, Jack just watches and ponders about the Winchester’ realationship

the centre cannot hold by orphan_account. 6K Words

Sam does not remember; Dean does. All Dean can do is watch, and mourn.

But then Castiel becomes God, and the world starts to break at the edges (and maybe that isn't a bad thing.)

It kinda becomes a character study, while the brothers deal with what happened during the Soulless!Sam period

The Last Temptation by bccalling. 1K Words

When Sam tells Mary about all the things he and Dean get up to in the dark, Mary wants in, and Sam sees his opportunity to make Dean’s every fantasy come true.

Mary shows up. Porny and very sweet

Angels and Demons by  OhWilloTheWisp. 9K Words

AU angels and demons are animals. Sam was not happy when his owner, Ruby, left him boarded at a kennel. He was even less happy when he discovered an angel in the same facility. But his encounter with the angel will end much differently than anyone would have guessed. He may have never expected his mate to be angel, but now that's found him he won't let anyone keep them apart.

Sam and Dean are kinda like animals here but there’s nothing sexual. It’s very sweet and romantic. Anna/Ruby in here as well

[browniesarethebest]

Interlude

Part of the Sam is God series:

Summary: Dean and Cas have a talk.

“Do you think F—Sam hates me?”

Dean choked on his beer, spluttering as he turned in his seat and found Cas sitting on his bed, staring down at his clasped hands. Dean coughed and wiped his mouth. “What?”

Cas looked up, and Dean was taken aback by the despair in the angel’s eyes. “Do you think Sam hates me?”

“What? No! Why the hell would you think that?”

Cas glanced down and fiddled his fingers. It was such a human-like action that Dean was taken aback. “I have tried to appease him—make up for the awful words I said to him when we first met, but I do not believe it is working. He refuses to be called ‘Father,’ and he refuses my gifts.” Cas looked up and into Dean’s eyes. “Are they not up to his standards? Sam said it would make him happier if you received gifts in place of him, but I have read that humans like to receive gifts. Why does he not like mine?”

Dean blinked. “Is that why you’ve been randomly giving stuff to me?”

“Why did you think I was giving you gifts?”

“I don’t know. I’m technically your uncle, so I figured it had something to do with that.”

“You are not my uncle,” Cas replied, deadpanning. “It does not work like that.”

Dean shrugged. “I said ‘technically’, didn’t I?” He turned back in his seat and gestured to chair across from him. He took another swig of his beer while Cas came over and sat down. “Now, Sam is not exactly comfortable with this whole thing. We’ve been taught all of our lives that anything not human is bad and should be hunted down. We’ve made some exceptions over the years, but it’s still not easy to accept the fact that not all monsters are bad.” Dean snorted morosely and muttered into his beer. “God, if dad could see us now…” He had warned Dean about killing Sam when it was just some demon blood and psychic stuff. Being God Himself? Dad probably wouldn’t even have waited to see if Sam went dark side—though how Dad would have killed Sam Dean wasn’t sure.

Cas was watching him silently, not blinking, so Dean continued, “Sam...always felt like a freak, even before finding out about the demon blood Azazel fed him. Everything with Ruby and finding out that he was Lucifer’s vessel did not help. This? This is big league stuff, even for us.” Dean set down the near empty bottle and stared out the window. It’s a lot for me, so I can’t even imagine what Sam is thinking.”

How did this turn out to be Dean’s life?

“Sam is not a freak.” Dean looked back to see Cas glaring at the table. “He is...perfect. He is my Father.” Cas looked up at Dean imploringly. “How can I make him see that?”

Dean shrugged helplessly. “I’m not sure you can. Sam’s stubborn, and you and the other angels didn’t exactly treat him well before you found out he was God. I know you’re making up for it—” Dean interrupted before Cas could say anything. “—and you’re fine, but the others…” Dean shrugged again. “Like I said, Sam has an image of himself, and it’s hard to convince him otherwise, especially when a bunch of you confirmed it for him before he got his mojo back.”

Cas was silent for a moment, staring intensely at the table again. When he finally spoke, Dean had to strain to hear him. “I just—I would like to call him Father again.”

Dean sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. What was he, a fucking therapist? But he didn’t like Cas looking so...lost. “Look, I’ll...I’ll talk to Sam. I’m not gonna force him to do anything—” Dean said as Cas’s head shot up in surprise. “—Sam’s my first priority every time, so if he’s uncomfortable then too bad. But I’ll let him know how you feel about the name thing.”

Man, humanity was screwed from the beginning with daddy issues.

“I-I would be very grateful if you did that, Dean. Thank you.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Dean waved a hand. “No problem. Now, enough with the chick flick moment.” Dean pulled out two beers from the six pack on the table and tossed one to Cas.

Cas caught it but looked annoyed. “Dean, I do not drink.”

“Well, as your uncle, I say you do now.”

“I told you that’s not how it—”

“Just shut up and drink the beer, will you?”

[mrsarthurcurry]

Just the way you are- Jack Kline x Plus Size! reader

Request for: @lilacprincessofrecovery

“also idk if you write for Jack Kline but i was wondering if i could also get a request where he finds the reader looking in a mirror and tries to help her feel better about her body? thank you for taking and reading this and even taking it in for consideration!”

-----

My name is Y/n Winchester and I’m the younger sister of Sam and Dean Winchester. My father John Winchester met my mother when they were hunting the same monster, and one thing let to another. When I was 2 years old she was killed by a rugaru. John took me to meet my older brothers Dean who was 21 years old and Sam who was 17 years old. My brothers and John were very protective of me. When I was 4 years old Sam and John got in to a heated argument and Sam left. He wanted to take me with but how would a 19 years old take his 4 year old sister to college with him?

When I was 6 or 7 years old my father died making a deal with Azazel and he left Dean in charge of Sam and I. Many things happened like Dean dying and coming back alive, Lucifer being freed and locked away again, Sam coming back Soulless, leviathans, Mary Winchester coming back to life -she doesn’t hate me she is just conflicted-, etc, Then Lucifer’s son was born. His name is Jack Kline. He is my best friend, Dean hates him, and Sam is conflicted. I had just taken a shower and now I am in my room looking at my naked frame in the mirror. 

I let out a sigh and heard a knock on my door. “One minute!” I shout putting on my clothes. A few minutes later I walk over to the door and open it. The first thing I see is Jack smiling at me. “Hey, wanna watch Star Wars?” He asks holding up the movie collection Sam is letting him borrow. “Yeah, sure come on in!” I smile opening the door a little wider. I go to close it but Dean notices this walking down the hallway and put his foot in the door. “Keep it open.” Dean says. “Your not my father and besides I’m 19 years old now.” I stat going to close the door again which he easily stops. “Your lucky I’m not Dad. You wanna know what dad would do? He’d point the colt to Jack’s head and pull the trigger.” Dean hisses. 

“Fine, I’ll leave the door open Now get out!” I hiss slamming the door wide open. “Please.” I add a sigh walking away from the door. Dean also lets out a sigh walking away. You  know Dean hasn’t been the Sam since Castiel died, and Lucifer pulled Mary in to the other world with him. He is grieving and he needs someone to blame which is Jack. “Are you okay?” Jack asks. “Yeah. Let’s watch us some Star Wars.” I smile. 

Sometime during the second movie I stood up and began walking around. This wasn’t totally abnormal behavior for me. I walk up to the mirror and sighed placing my hand on my stomach. I don’t understand why I couldn’t be skinny and pretty. I mean I am pretty but... will Jack like me the same way I feel for him if I was skinny? 

I feel someone touch my shoulder and I look up to see Jack looking down at me with furrowed eyebrows. “Are you okay?” He asks me. I smile sadly. “I’m fine.” I tell him trying to convince him. More like trying to convince myself. He turns me around hugging me. The way he hugs is a little awkward but he’s working on it. “Please tell me.” He whispers holding you close. “I’m fat...” I whisper bluntly. He pulls away staring at me eyes scanning my frame. Oh Chuck, what is he going to do? Is he going to judge me or...? What? Why is he so silent? Oh Chuck, Jack please say something! Anything!

Finally after what seemed forever he opened his mouth. “Is that a bad thing?” He questions bluntly. I was taken of guard. “Too some people...” I mumble. “Well, I don’t care how you look. You were the one who truly was kind to me and welcomed me in when Sam and Dean didn’t.” He tells me. I smile at him and he does the same. “Jack, I think I like you.” I mumble. “I like you too.” He smiles. 

“No, I mean I like LIKE you.” I tell him. 

“I know, so do I. Just the way you are.” He smiles giving me a peck on my lips.

--- I hope you enjoyed this! Feel free to request again if you did! Might turn into a fanfic more longer and detailed!---

[themoonandotherslikeit]

Something More Than What I Had- Part Six

Part Six- Revelations 

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelations 21:4

“Hello, Sweetheart.” 

 Castiel looked up from the Bible and met Dean’s eyes from across the room. “Hello, Dean,” he said carefully. 

 “Smelled coffee. Why you up so early? Bad dreams?”

 Cas pressed his lips together. Dean looked different in the dark, in the shadow. Castiel couldn’t make out his face, it was obscured by shadow, the only light coming from the lamp next to the typewriter. Castiel was bathed in warm light from the lamp. Dean had to see the Bible in his hands. 

 They stared at each other in the darkness, waiting for each other to make a move. Dean stepped out of the hallway into the light. His expression was soft, his lips turned into a disappointed frown. “This isn’t how I wanted you to find out, Cas.” 

Castiel tried to choose his words carefully. He knew the situation was fragile at best. He had been around killers before, and if he could’ve guessed the way his encounter would go when faced with the biggest murderer of his career, the situation in front of him wouldn’t have even made the list. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip; it was dry and cracked from the winter air. “And how did you want me to find out, if I can ask?”

 “Cas, of course you can ask,” Dean said, stepping toward him. “I wanted you to find out when you were ready to know. You aren’t ready, Cas, you have to know that. I wanted you to see the gift that I was giving you, that I was giving everyone. I’m ridding the world of evil. The men were a plague, and I eradicated them.”

 “Dean… you killed them.”

 “I brought them to justice.”

 Castiel pressed his lips together. “That isn’t justice. The law decides justice.”

 “You were so heartbroken, Sweetheart, I just couldn’t sit back and watch. You don’t do that when you love someone. When you love someone you fight for them.” He was rambling, his eyes squinting, but he was still unbelievably calm. It was as if he couldn’t find the words. “I saw you that day outside of the courthouse after Azazel’s trial. You did everything right and it didn’t matter. The system is broken. The angels are gone, Detective. They’re gone.” He was getting emotional, his ears welling up with tears.

 Castiel stepped closer to Dean. In that moment they weren’t enemies, they were just two men who were tangled together moments before. His stomach ached. He loved Dean. “What do you mean, Dean?”

 “I saw what they did with my mom. She didn’t get any justice. I couldn’t let that happen, not again. Not to anyone else.” Dean closed the space between them, taking Cas’ hands in his own. The reality of the situation snapped around Castiel in an instant. He recoiled from Dean’s touch. “You’re mine, Detective. I wouldn’t ever let anythin’ happen to you. I’d never hurt you. You know that, right?”

 He didn’t. Of course he didn’t. “Does Sam know?”

 “He wasn’t ready, either. He is just a kid. It’s my job to protect him. I’m his brother.”

 “I have to take you in,” Castiel said suddenly. If Dean wasn’t going to hurt him, there would be no need for cuffs, no need to make a scene. “Will you come willingly?”

 “Right,” Dean said with a nod. “You have to bring in Duma today. I knew you’d want to go in early. I had plans, ya know, about when this finally happened. I’d make you breakfast in bed, and you’d relax for fuckin’ once. Better be glad I think you’ll look dignified with wrinkles, Detective.”

 Castiel frowned deeply. “Dean, I’m not going to bring in Duma. She didn’t do it. I need to bring you in.”

 “Oh.”

 “Do you want to call Sam?”

 “Why would I call Sammy?”

 “To tell him. He will be surprised when we come to the precinct, won’t he?”

 “I go there all the time,” Dean Winchester said as he batted his beautiful green eyes. 

 “Dean, get dressed,” Castiel said carefully. He couldn’t tell the game that Dean was playing. Dean seemed like he wasn’t all there. He looked confused. He looked different. Castiel reached one of his arms over to the other and gave himself a quick, but hard pinch. It hurt. He wasn’t dreaming. Was Dean in denial? Was he having a breakdown? Maybe he was hoping for an insanity plea, which, from where Castiel was sitting, was a real possibility.

 “Sure, Cas. You sure you don’t want another round before work? Heard it’s good for your health.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

 “I think we’ve run out of time.”

 “Damn, you’re right. I should’ve woken up earlier.” He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Castiel’s cheek, causing chills to run down Cas’ spine. “I’ll meet you back out here?”

 “Sure,” Castiel said carefully. His body was stiff, and he was painfully aware that he was in his underwear and a shirt of Dean’s. He needed to change. His stomach tugged like he was going to lose it. He had to be ready to go when Dean came out of the bedroom, in case he got violent. 

 He turned and scanned the room, finding a discarded pair of jeans by the couch. He picked them up and slid inside, getting into his shoes and coat. He holstered his gun in the back of his pants, all the while listening for Dean’s bedroom window to open, in case he tried to make a run for it. “Let me grab a coffee, and we can head out,” Dean said, shrugging into his coat. “Damn.” He paused, looking Castiel over with a smile. “Sweetheart, you look so sexy in my clothes.”

 “We don’t have time for coffee, Dean,” Castiel said, wishing he had his handcuffs with him. Dean’s behavior had his discomfort increasing rapidly. 

 “I got it, Cranky,” Dean teased, as he put the lid on his mug. “You aren’t fun in the mornin’.” 

 They left the apartment in the snow and walked toward the precinct. If Dean was talking, Castiel didn’t hear any of it. All he could hear was the soft footsteps in the snow. He could feel Dean’s presence like a moth to a flame. He was shining so bright that Castiel imagined he would be able to find him even in the darkness. He could feel Dean next to him, and the cold metal of his weapon in the back of his pants. He was grateful that the precinct was so close. 

 It was getting closer to six o’clock in the morning, and the evening shift was still staring at the papers on their desks trying desperately to stay awake. No one noticed Castiel and Dean walk through the front doors. He led Dean to the interrogation room, his fingers curling around the door frame. “Have a seat in here.”

 “Sure thing,” Dean said, eyeing the room. “Are we going to do a sexy detective criminal role play?”

 Castiel pursed his lips. “Just wait here, Dean.” 

 “Hey, you good?” Dean touched Castiel’s shoulder. 

 “Just get in the fucking room, Winchester!” 

 “Fuck, okay.” Dean's hands flew back. “I read ya loud and clear, buddy.” He looked a little hurt. The door clicked shut behind him, and Castiel turned to the trash can next to him and vomited. 

 Dean was the killer. Dean was the killer. Dean was the killer. 

 He could still see the letter typed and stuck in the typewriter, the pages missing from the Bible.... he could hear the Hello, Sweetheart . He threw up again. His arms wrapped around the trash can as if he was hugging his father's leg, begging for attention. 

 “Woah, did you drink too much? Because if you went out celebrating without me we are going to have words...” 

 “Charlie?” He looked up, tears streaming down his face. “What are you doing here?”

 “Captain Singer is getting in early today, and I have to be where he is.” She crouched down next to him, pressing her palm to his forehead. “Fuck, Cas, you okay? No offense, but you look like shit.”

 Castiel shook his head. “I’m not okay.” 

 “What happened?” She asked, rubbing his back gently. 

 “I...I can’t,” he gasped. It was too much. 

 “Shh, hey. You can. Look at me.” 

 He did.

 “You’re the strongest guy I know. You look danger in the face daily and tell it, come at me. That’s strength. Did you and Dean...” 

 He didn’t hear her question, because at the sound of Dean’s name he was vomiting again. “Can you go to my apartment?” He asked her, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I need clothes.” 

 “You got it.” Charlie nodded quickly. “Let me go get Sam... he can...” 

 “No. I’ll get him in a little while,” Castiel said frantically. He wasn’t ready. He needed more time. 

 “Okay.” Charlie nodded, grabbing him a water bottle from her bag. “Take this. Sam’s in the break room. He was asleep when I got here. He looks pretty damn cute sleeping, for such a tall guy.” 

 “I’ll keep that in mind when I wake him,” Castiel said with a pained smile. 

 “I’ll be back soon.” She pressed a kiss to the top of his head and ran off. 

 He stopped throwing up after what felt like forever. He stood up and walked to the two-way mirror. Dean Winchester sat with his hands flat on the table and stared directly at Castiel as if he could see him through the glass. He could’ve sworn that Dean wasn’t even blinking. He felt rotten in his own skin, with the smell of Deans sheets sticking to him, his sex still fresh on Cas’ skin. He wanted to strip naked and scrub until he bled. 

 Castiel felt like a fucking idiot. He wasn’t cut out to be a cop. He should’ve been a botanist or maybe a janitor, something where lives weren’t on the line, at the very least. He hadn’t known it was Dean when he was right under Castiel’s nose the whole time. In his bed. If he’d had anything left inside of him to vomit, he would have. He was empty, in the most complete sense of the word. He pressed his palm to the glass. 

 “The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine. Isaiah 9:2,” Dean murmured, continuing to stare impossibly at Castiel through the glass. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4.” 

 “What are you doing?” Castiel asked no one in particular. 

 “Detective, I know you’re out there,” Dean said slowly, carefully. He clasped his hands. “It’s rude to leave a guy hangin’.” 

 Castiel closed his eyes. 

 “The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen. Revelation 22:21. There is no grace with God’s people anymore, Detective. I think you know that. Give me a pen, Cas, and you’ll see. I sound better on paper.” 

 His ears almost perked up at the sound of his name. When he opened his eyes, Dean was in front of him, his hand touching Castiel’s through the glass. “I never lied to you, man. Don’t leave me alone in here.”

 Castiel pressed his lips together as Dean rested his forehead against the glass, and his forearm above it. He looked handsome with his eyes almost gray from exhaustion, and his hair still tussled from bed. His chin and cheeks were covered with prickles of hair since he hadn’t had time to shave. He looked disheveled in the way that a man always does after he is ravished. 

  “You really love me, Detective?” Dean asked, as he hovered over Castiel, his lips only a breath away.

  “I do.”

 Cas felt Dean’s fingers run along his arm, and then Dean tangled their fingers together, pinning Cas’ arm above his head. “I never thought someone like you could… could love someone like me.”

  “Someone like you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It was always you,” Castiel whispered, leaning up to kiss him again. 

 “It was always you,” Dean echoed Castiel’s thought. “I saw you in that bar, and I hit on you. I don’t make a habit of hittin’ on men in clubs when I’m supposed to be helpin’ Sammy, but I think I knew. You’ve got a way about ya, buddy.”

 Castiel was captured by Dean’s words. The gruff of his voice was still against Castiel’s throat in his mind, harder, faster, fuck I love you. He didn’t realize he was walking until he pushed open the door to the interrogation room and was face to face with Dean again. 

 “Cas,” he breathed with a relieved exhale, like he was a balloon deflating after a child’s birthday party. “I didn’t think..” 

 “Do you know why you’re here, Dean?”

 He needed to get another detective. It wasn’t appropriate for him to work the case any longer, but he couldn’t make himself move. 

 “You want to talk to me about the murders,” Dean said slowly, carefully. 

 “Yes.”

 “Okay. I’ll tell you.” He nodded. 

 “Do you want to contact your lawyer? You have the right to one.” 

 “I don’t want a lawyer, Cas. I wasn’t lyin’ in my letter when I told you that if you forgive me that I will make it to heaven. You’re the only person I need to convince. Maybe once you hear it, you won’t want to keep up with this. Maybe we can just go back home and get into bed. I know that’s where you’d rather be, Sweetheart.” 

  I don’t think I can forgive you. “Have a seat.”

 Dean walked back to his seat and lowered himself in it. “What do you want to know?” 

 “I want you to tell me the truth. Did you kill Fergus Crowley?” 

 “He got what he deserved, Detective. Did you know that he was going to continue? I talked to Krystal. He was going to kidnap more women to sell and if they fought back he’d kill them. Do you really think he didn’t deserve what happened to him?”

 “That wasn’t what I asked you, Dean.” 

 “I just want you to understand.” 

 “My opinion means nothing here. There is a right way and a wrong way,” Cas’ voice was strained, his throat stinging from the vomit, scratchy and pained, but nothing hurt more than how it felt to look at Dean. 

 “According to who?”

 Castiel gripped the back of his chair. He knew he should sit, but his legs were buzzing. “I didn’t even know you were religious.” 

 “I’m not.” 

 “The Bible verses? The angel wings? If you’re not religious…” 

 “God doesn’t give two shits about us anymore, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t right. If his soldiers aren’t doing their job to punish the wicked, then we have to. Mom said angels were watchin’ over us, but no one was watchin’ over her. I wish there’d been someone like me out there when she was killed.” 

 “Did you kill Fergus Crowley?”

 “If I answer that you will leave. I’ve seen Law and Order.” He tilted his head to the side inquisitively. 

 “You want to talk to me,” Castiel said slowly, as the reality settled in. It was Dean’s game, and he had no real stakes in that could let him win. No matter what Dean had to say, Castiel would lose. They both would. 

 “Yeah.” 

 “Why?” Why can’t you just let this be over? 

 “I always wanna talk to you.” He gave one of those big grins that made the skin around his eyes crinkle, the kind of grin that got Cas’ heart racing, but it was racing for a different reason this time. 

 “Say whatever you want to say, Dean.” 

 “You don’t want to talk to me?” Dean asked, his bottom lip poking out in a pout. “I thought what we had was more than all the bullshit, Detective. I thought it was real.” 

 “Detective Novak, I have your clothes.” Charlie's voice came over the intercom in the interrogation room. 

 “I’ll be back,” he said sharply before exiting the room, feeling Dean’s eyes on his back the entire walk to the door. 

 “What the fuck?” Charlie asked, her eyes wide in shock. She held Castiel’s clothes folded in her arms. “Please tell me that you are doing some kind of roleplay in there, and not what it looks like.” 

 Castiel looked around and grabbed her hand, pulling her into the single stall bathroom. “Lock the door,” he instructed. She followed the instructions and he peeled off Dean’s sweatshirt. 

 “Jesus, Cas,” she commented on the hickies covering his chest, stomach, and thighs when he wiggled out of his jeans. He shot her a look, and she put up her hands in surrender. “Sorry, explain.”

 He slid into his gray slacks and buttoned up the deep blue shirt that she picked for him. “He did it.” His voice sounded completely defeated and forgein even to his own ears.  

 “What do you mean?”

 “He is the killer, Charlie. He murdered those people.” 

 “What makes you think that?”

 “I don’t think it, I know it. I was at his place, and I found a typed up letter just like the ones I received at the crime scenes. A Bible with the pages ripped out... he did it. It was Dean.” 

 “Shit. Does Sam know?”

 “Dean said he didn’t tell him.” 

 “But did you?”

 “I haven’t had the chance.” 

 “But you’re interrogating him? You’ve arrested him without his brother knowing? Without your partner knowing?” She handed him a polka dot tie. 

 He wrapped it around his neck and began to tie it. “I haven’t arrested him. He seems… off.” 

 “Yeah, he’s a serial killer, Cas!” She exclaimed, completely perplexed. 

 “I told him I loved him last night,” he admitted quickly, needing to purge it from his system.  

 Charlie dropped Castiel’s belt. It clattered to the floor. “You did what?”

 “I was walking to his apartment, and I just couldn’t stop myself. I looked at him and fuck.” Castiel turned and sent his fist flying into the stone wall. He cried out in pain, but the sting of broken skin on his knuckles centered him just enough to get it together. “I’m in love with him.”

 “Oh, Cas,” Charlie murmured, reaching for his hands, but she refrained from taking them. “Are you sure it’s him? Maybe there's an explanation.” 

 “Trust me, Charlie, I wish there were,” he said solemnly, bent down, picked up his belt, sliding it through the loops, and clasped it. “I need to talk to the Rookie. I’ve been stupid. I want the answers, but I don’t think I’m going to get the ones I want. I don’t think there’s any closure for me.” 

 “I really thought he was the one,” Charlie said, looking down. “I feel like I pushed you two together…” 

 “I thought he was the one, too,” Castiel admitted out loud for the first time. “But that doesn’t matter. He is just another criminal that I have to put away. I did say I was married to the job, makes sense that I would be attracted to a psychopath.” He unlocked the bathroom door, his back to Charlie. “I’m going to talk to the Rookie.”

 “Cas, you can take a second,” she said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “No one would blame you.”

 “I don’t need a second,” he said, shaking his head. “All I’ve wanted was to find the son of a bitch who did this, and now I’ve got him. There’s no sense in letting emotions get in the way.” Castiel opened the door and pushed out into the precinct, running immediately into Sam Winchester. 

 The Rookie was pouring himself some coffee, his eyes were red rimmed and his hair stuck up in the back from where he was sleeping peacefully on the couch in the break room. The sleeves on his plaid dress shirt were pushed up to his elbows. He didn’t know. Castiel was about to ruin his life forever. 

 “Hey, Novak, good morning.” Sam glanced at his watch. “Damn, you’re here early. I thought I’d have a little more time to get presentable… but I should’ve known you’d be here earlier than we agreed.” 

 “Rookie we need to talk.”

 Sam looked up from his cup of coffee with a frown. “Sure, Cas. What’s up?” He grabbed another coffee cup and poured it for his partner. 

 Castiel took it, even though the coffee was old, and even though he was jittery as all hell already. He took a sip out of habit. 

 “Jesus, are you okay?” Sam asked, gesturing to the broken skin on Castiel’s knuckles.

 “Let’s go somewhere private to talk.”

 Sam ran his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, okay. Lead the way.” They walked back to the evidence locker. Castiel unlocked the door and clicked on the light. The single fluorescent light buzzed angrily like a bee trapped behind glass. “You’re freaking me out, Cas. What’s going on?”

 “We were wrong.”

 “That’s pretty cryptic, wrong about what?”

 “Duma isn’t the Angel Killer.” It wasn’t an official name, but it was a hell of a lot better than the alternative. 

 “What? Did you find something else? I’ve been researching all night. She looks good for it…”

 “Yeah, I found something,” Castiel said in almost a hiss through his clenched jaw. He felt sick. His stomach gnawed against the coffee he was suckling. It was better to keep it busy. Maybe he was just yearning to give himself something in his stomach to vomit up. He felt like he was going down a hill too fast, like he couldn’t quite get a grip on it. It was that empty, weightless nausea. 

 “What was it? You weren’t supposed to be working, but I’ll let it slide if you got a lead,” Sam teased gently, trying to relieve some of the palpable tension in the air.

 “I wasn’t working. I just came across the information.”

 “What was the information, Cas? Are you feeling okay? You look a little green…”

 Castiel pressed his lips together and looked up, his eyes meeting Sams. They weren’t as green as Dean’s, with flecks of gold in the center, but still familiar. The kid would never get past it. How could he? Dean was his older brother, his pillar, his light in the darkness. How was he going to feel knowing that the man he held in such high regard was a murderer? Probably just as bad as Castiel was, knowing that he slept with the criminal he’d been hunting. The man both of them loved was the man they were hunting. “It’s Dean,” he said suddenly, but quietly. His voice was barely a whisper, a withdrawal of smoke. 

 “What?” Sam laughed, shaking his head. “What’s Dean? I know you guys are dating, Cas. You don’t have to be weird about it.” 

 “That isn’t what I’m saying, Sam.”

 “Okay, then what?”

 “It’s Dean. Dean is the Angel Killer.” 

 Sam raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean it’s Dean? That’s crazy. I’ve never heard him quote scripture in my life. He doesn’t even own a Bible.” 

 “He does, Sam,” Castiel said carefully. “I’m sorry. I don’t want it to be true, trust me.” 

 “This isn’t funny, Cas. Is Dean hiding somewhere? He loves to pull pranks. Come on out asshole!” Sam looked around the corner of the shelves in the center of the room. They were alone. 

 “It’s just us, Sam.” 

 “Then you’re recording this,” he said stubbornly. “I can’t believe you let him rope you into this. You’re supposed to be the serious one.” 

 “I assure you that this is no prank. I’m sorry, kid. I saw his Bible on his writing desk… it was missing all the pages we found at the crime scenes. He was writing the letter when I showed up at your place.” 

 Sam stared past Castiel, and it was a moment before he spoke again. “Did you arrest him?” He asked quietly. 

 “He’s here in the interrogation room. I wanted to talk to him first. I didn’t want it to be true.” 

 “What did he say? Did he say he did it?”

 “He said this wasn’t how he wanted me to find out about it.”

 “But he didn’t say that he stabbed them? How do you know for sure? This is all circumstantial…” 

 “Sam,” Castiel reached out and put his hand on his partner’s shoulder. Sam flinched, but didn’t move away. “I’ve done this for a long time. He did it. We need an official confession. I can get him to say it, but I thought you’d want to talk to him before he’s booked officially. I owe you that much.” 

 “You’re wrong.” Sam’s voice broke. “You have to be.” 

 Castiel smiled weakly at his young partner. 

 When he started at the Sixty-Sixth Precinct, the older detectives always said that there would be one case that would make his career, one case that would change him forever. He had that case when he was a rookie himself, he fucked up and someone ended up dead. Looking at Sam, he knew that this was the kids case. Something was breaking inside the young detective right in front of Castiel’s eyes. There was no going back from a case like that. 

 “He’s my brother.” 

 “I know, kid.” 

 “He… fuck. Can I talk to him?”

 Castiel nodded and opened the door to the evidence locker and let Sam out. He walked to the interrogation room, his hand hovering over the doorknob. He was frozen in place. “You’re wrong,” Sam said again, to no one in particular. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself to turn the knob with trembling fingers. 

 “Maybe,” Castiel said finally, even though it was a lie. The kid needed a push, and he had two hands capable of giving that to him. 

 Sam turned away from his partner, opening the door to enter the interrogation room alone. 

 “Sammy?” Dean said, standing up from sitting on the edge of the table. “I was expecting Cas.”

 “Is it true?” 

 “What do you mean?”

 “Is it true?”

 “Sam, I…” 

 “Don’t, Dean,” Sam snapped, his eyes brimming with tears. “Don’t fucking lie to me. Don’t play like you don’t know what I’m talking about.” 

 Dean sighed. “Sammy, you don’t remember this, but every night before we fell asleep mom would tell us that angels were watchin’ over us. It was a comfort, ya know? How could anything be bad when there are angels watchin’ over us?”

 “I don’t remember that.” 

 “You were just a baby.” Dean scratched the back of his neck with a fond smile that quickly melted away. “Where was the angel that was supposed to be watchin’ over her? She is dead, Sam. I saw her burnin’. Do you know what that does to a kid? I still smell her burnin’. I still hear her screamin’ under the roar of the flames. I still see her when I close my eyes… I blamed the police for a long time. Since they didn’t find who did it.” He sighed and shook his head. “But it wasn’t until you became an officer that I realized they’re angels, too.”

 Dean walked to his brother and held his face in between his palms. “You’re a fuckin’ angel, Sammy. You watch over people the best you can, but your hands are tied. You can’t do God's work because the system is failing. You can’t find justice, but me… my hands aren’t tied, Sammy. I am not held back by anythin’, not by a badge or a boss. I can help. Doesn’t that mean I have an obligation? I can fix it. I have to fix it.”

 Sam stepped away from his brother, his forehead wrinkling. “Not that way, Dean. You aren’t God. It isn’t up to you or me to decide people’s fate. You aren’t God.” 

 Dean’s hands fell to his sides as Sam moved away from his touch.

 “I know that, Sam. There is no God. Not anymore.” There was a darkness behind Dean’s eyes. He looked empty, almost as if he was looking into the flames right then. 

 “You killed them.” Sam swallowed hard. 

 “The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. Genesis 6:5-6. God even knew that people were wicked, Sam. I am doin’ what He would want. I’m gettin’ justice.” 

 “Dean, God is good. The Bible says not to kill…”

 “But Sammy, I saw you. You were so upset about the girl, Amara, about findin’ her killer. Then when I saw Crowley walk free; I couldn’t just let that happen. I couldn’t sit back while he hurt other girls,” Dean said almost desperately, walking toward his brother. 

 “We were taught right and wrong, Dean. Our whole life… you have to know that this was wrong.”

 “I was taught right and wrong, Sammy. Mom taught me. She read me the Bible before bed. So when I lost her I learned it, more and more, a little at a time, and the more I learned, the more I knew.” 

 “Mom wouldn’t have wanted this, Dean. You can’t pretend you’re doing this for her… or for me.” Sam frowned, staring at his brother. It was like parts of Dean were peeling away right in front of him, and Sam knew, as desperately as he wanted Castiel to be wrong, that Dean did it.

 “But Cas, man. He is the one. I knew that when I saw him. It was just gonna be Crowley, but then I saw him when Azazel walked. I already knew Azazel was bad. I invited him to the poker game, but when I saw Cas’ face… I knew he had to die. Do you know how terrifyin’ that is, Sammy? To see someone and to know that they are pure evil? You and Cas are good. I’m not. I never have been, but you are both my family. It is my job to get rid of the people in your way. To get rid of the evil. To find justice.”

 “This doesn’t make any sense. It can’t be you,” Sam said, his hands shaking. His eyes flickered to his brother. “The morphine. Fuck. I should’ve known. It’s what they used at the hospital with Dad. Did you steal it?” 

 “He killed her, Sammy. You and I both know that.” 

 “We don’t, Dean. We never did. He was a bastard… but he was our father.” 

 “He deserved what he got.” 

 Sam peeled his eyes away from the gaze that his brother had him stuck in. “You killed him, too?”

 “Detective Winchester, get out of there now, boy! Don’t make me tell you twice,” Captain Singer’s voice boomed over the intercom. 

 Sam stood up a little straighter and locked eyes with his brother one last time before he turned and exited the room. He could feel Dean’s eyes on his back even as the door shut. 

 “You two, my office, now, ” Captain Singer said through clenched teeth. 

 Castiel and Sam exchanged a look before following him into the cramped office. 

 “Shut the goddamn door.”

 Sam let the door click shut and braced for the skinning they’d get. He was used to it, growing up being John’s son, but there was something different behind their Captain’s eyes. 

 “You two idgits better start talkin’, and you better make it real fuckin’ good, ya hear me? You better have a real good explanation for why you’ve got that boy in my interrogation room with ya.” He crossed his arms and watched Sam and Castiel staring back at him blankly. They didn’t have the words, at least not the ones that their Captain wanted to hear. “I’m missin’ birthdays here, boys.”

 Castiel stepped forward. “It’s my fault, Captain.”

 He raised a graying eyebrow. “The kid was talkin’ to him. Why?”

 “When I was with Dean last night… I found some evidence linking him with the crimes of the Angel Killer.”

 The Captain stood up a little straighter. “He’s a suspect?”

 “He practically confessed,” Sam said through clenched teeth. 

 “And you two just took it into your own hands? You decided fuck the law, I’m not gonna call for backup, I’m going to interrogate him myself?”

 “I don’t think we really thought it through, Cap,” Sam said like a little boy in trouble. 

 “Novak, did you call for backup to arrest him?”

 “No, Sir.”

 “So you did it yourself?”

 “No, Sir.”

 “What am I missin’ here?” He asked, quickly losing his patience.

 “I didn’t arrest him.” Castiel picked at the skin around his thumbnail. 

 “You think he’s innocent?”

 “...no.”

 “Help me understand this, Novak. You found a criminal, believe him to have committed his crimes and didn’t arrest him?”

 “It’s complicated Sir…”

 “I know you’ve been havin’… relations with this man, and what you do on your own time is your own business, but if you two are right and he is a killer then you might have fucked this up. If he walks, I swear to God neither of you will ever work in this city again. Now go home while I figure out what to do with you.”

 “Captain I’d like to stay… he is my brother,” Sam said weakly, still unable to truly grasp what was happening. Captain Singer looked at Sam, scratching his beard as if he was really thinking. His jaw was set, and it was pretty obvious to Sam that he was pissed. All that he knew, was that he couldn’t leave knowing what he knew. “I can answer any questions you have about him. Maybe I could be helpful.” 

 His captain gave a big, heavy sigh before shaking his head. “I’ll probably regret this, but you can stay, Winchester, just give me your badge and gun. If you’re here, you’re here as a civilian.”

  Later that evening

��“Hey,” Charlie said, lowering herself onto the stairs leading up to her apartment next to Castiel. He was sitting with his face in his hands. “Where have you been? I’ve been calling…”

 He met the eyes of his friend, his own feeling bloodshot and swollen. “I found a liquor store, and I drank it,” he slurred. 

 “Oh my.”

 “I’ve been so fucking stupid.” 

 “Hey, you’re not stupid,” Charlie said gently, her hand resting on his shoulder. 

 “I am. How did I miss this? It was right in front of my face. What kind of detective am I if I missed this?”

 “None of us saw it.” 

 “But I fucked him. I slept next to him…” 

 “Sam lived with him, and he didn’t know,” she pointed out. 

 “The kid is a rookie. He doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.”

 “Right,” Charlie said, pushing her hair behind her ears. “What’s this really about? You were interrogating him outside of protocol. You’d never do that, no matter what.” 

 “I needed answers.” 

 “Bobby put Hanscum and Mills on it, they’re pro’s. They’ll get the answers.” 

 He shook his head. It wasn’t the same. They were good cops, but they hadn’t been on the case. They didn’t know. 

 “Cas,” Charlie said, treading lightly. “It’s okay to miss him, to be disappointed.” 

 “I’m only disappointed that I didn’t see it sooner.” 

 “So you could save yourself the pain?”

 His head snapped to hers, his vision blurred, from the alcohol, or maybe the tears that stung his eyes. “No, to save people from being murdered. What kind of self centered person do you think I am?” 

 “I don’t think you’re self centered. I don’t think you’re self centered at all, actually. Not even enough to mourn for the man that you love. You should mourn, Cas. It’s okay to be devastated.” 

 “I’m not devastated,” Castiel snapped. She wasn’t understanding. It was all a lie, it had been from the beginning. Killers always got close to the head detective in their case. Dean managed to insert himself right in the middle of the investigation, and Cas didn’t even notice. Charlie would never understand how sick it made him. “He killed three men. Four, most likely. His father’s death was suspicious… I’m just...” He sighed in frustration, curling his hands into fists. “I’m not sad. I’m pissed off. I’m furious.” 

 “Okay,” she said, a slight irritation in her voice. “It’s okay to be furious. He lied to you.” 

 “He is a murderer, Charlie! That’s it! I let him get close to me, distract me so he could kill people! I didn’t notice, and I will never be able to forgive myself for that. End of story.” He stood up, wiped his sweaty palms on his gray slacks and pushed out into the white, snow speckled evening air, leaving his badge and gun on the steps behind him. 

  Six months later

 “This is a collect call from the New York State Prison, will you accept these charges?”

 “No.” Click. 

 It had been six months since Dean Winchester was arrested. Six months since he confessed to all crimes. Three counts of premeditated murder. 

 It had been six months since Castiel hopped in a cab and took it to New Jersey to visit his brother Gabriel. He was hiding. Hiding from his job, from his partner, from New York, from the guilt, but most of all he was hiding from Dean. 

 It had been six months since he’d had a nightmare. The only demon he had left to face was himself.

 He received one letter a week since Dean was incarcerated. He didn’t open any of them. Dean called and called, but Castiel never agreed to speak with him. 

 Since the weather had warmed up, Castiel was gardening out behind Gabriel’s house. Despite living in the city his whole life, he was doing surprisingly well. He stared at his blank phone screen that read Call Ended, his hands still dirty from planting his tomato seeds. 

 “Want a beer?” Gabe called out from the house. 

 “Okay,” Castiel said, wiping the dirt from his palms onto his jeans. 

 His brother popped the caps off the beers and met Castiel halfway, his arm extended. “He call again?”

 “Why do you ask?” Castiel asked, putting the bottle to his lips.

 “You always get that look when he calls.” 

 Cas sighed against his beer bottle. “He won’t take a hint.”

 “Why don’t you block the phone number?”

 Why didn’t he? “I don’t know.” He looked down the neck of the beer, as if the answer was in the foam. 

 “Maybe you should go see him. Seems like you didn’t get any closure.”

 “It feels pretty final to me,” Castiel said, tipping the bottle back to his lips again. 

 “Come on, little brother. You don’t have to lie to me. Have you talked to Sam?”

 “On and off.” 

 Gabriel scratched his chin. “What does he have to say?”

 “I told him I didn’t want to talk about Dean,” he sighed. “Bobby gave him a pass, and he’s on probation, but he’s still working in homicide. He says he misses his partner, but I told him I’m done.”

 “You can work at the comedy club with me.” Gabe wiggled his eyebrows. “I’m working on an act right now that includes some close-up magic.”

 “As exciting as that is,” Castiel said through clenched teeth, “I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here.” 

 “You just planted a vegetable. You’ll be here for awhile.” 

 “Tomatoes are fruit,” Castiel deadpanned.

 “Right.” Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose. “Where will you go if you leave?”

 “I don’t know. I’ve never taken a vacation in my life.”

 “Oh trust me, I know.”

 Castiel rolled his eyes. “My point is… I don’t know where I will go. Anywhere else.” 

 “You can stay however long you need to, brother.”

 “I know. I appreciate it,” Cas said with a sigh. The condensation on the outside of the bottle mixed with the dirt on his hands. He reached down and wiped them on his jeans, leaving muddy, smeared handprints on his thighs. “I don’t mean to be such a burden.”

 “Are you kidding me? My house has never been this clean.”

 “I believe that.” He laughed dryly. 

 Gabriel took a swig of his beer. “Charlie’s been calling for you. Are you going to ignore her forever? I think she will come out here eventually if you do. I can only keep her at bay for so long.” 

 “Did you tell her I was here?”

 “She knows.” 

 “How?” Castiel narrowed his eyes at his older brother. 

 Gabriel shrugged. 

 “You told her.”

 “She is hard to say no to.” 

 “You were bested by a girl.” 

 “Hey,” Gabriel snapped. “She is more than a girl. She’s inhuman.” 

 Cas snickered. “Don’t I know it,” he sighed again and stared at the bubbles dissipating inside of his bottle. 

 “You’re not going to feel like this forever. I know sometimes things feel pretty endless, but I’ve got it on good authority that eventually the bad shit stops.” 

 “I don’t know how to make it stop.” 

 Gabriel reached into his back pocket and pulled out a letter addressed to Detective Castiel Novak, and he placed the letter in Cas’ hand. “I’d start with closure. Shut the door and lock it, man, it’s the only way you’ll be able to really move on.” 

 Castiel took the letter and stared at the familiar scrawl on the front of the envelope. It would match two dozen more that sat in a drawer in his bedroom, all unopened. He looked at the letter like an old friend, a temptation, a kiss stolen under the moonlight. He looked at it like it was from the Dean that he thought he knew, instead of a stranger in an orange jumpsuit. He looked at it like it was from a man that he loved in a different life, instead of the one that he loved in this one. Instead of the one that broke him. 

  Two weeks later

 Castiel Novak didn’t dream while he slept. His unconscious mind was filled with a buzzing emptiness. He almost missed the nightmares. 

 “No! Enough, Gabe! You can’t hide him anymore. This isn’t healthy. He loves that goddamn job, and he’s a New Yorker! He hasn’t set foot in the city in half a year.” 

 “I know that,” Gabriel said with a huff. “I’ve tried everything! I even put temporary purple hair dye in his shampoo a few months ago and he didn’t care, Charlie. Do you get that? I prank him, I make jokes, and he just doesn’t fucking notice. He is a shell. This guy fucked him up.” 

 “You’re protective of him. I know, because I am too. He’s my person. Let me help him.” 

 “He doesn’t want help.” 

 “Respectfully, I don’t give two shits what he wants. Now move out of my way, or I’ll make you move .” 

 It was no real surprise to Castiel when Charlie busted into his room not more than a minute later. She walked right to his bed and scooted in next to him, pulling his quilt over their heads. They laid on their sides, face to face, nose to nose. “Hey,” she breathed. 

 “I knew you’d come eventually.”

 “Are you going to make this hard or easy?”

 “What do you think?”

 “Hard it is.” She smiled widely. “Sweetie, I know you’re in a bad place.” 

 “That’s an understatement,” he admitted quietly. It was hard to lie when it was just Charlie. 

 “You miss him.” 

 “No.”

 She gave him a look, her eyebrow raised and her head tilting more into the pillow like fucking really? 

 He sucked in his breath, feeling a sob threatening to creep up his throat before he nodded twice. “It feels really fucked up to miss him.” 

 “We can’t help who we love, Cas. You’re a gay man, so I know you know that already.” Charlie wrapped an arm around him. “I can’t let you do this to yourself.”

 “Do what?”

 “Punish yourself. You’ve done enough, honey. You’ve done enough.” 

 Castiel didn’t believe her. He couldn’t, but there was something in her tone that was painfully maternal. Something that made his heart ache. “He is sending me letters.”

 “What do they say?”

 “I have no idea. I can’t open them. They’re all in a drawer haunting me.” 

 “Do you want to read them?”

 “No,” he said, and it felt like the biggest lie he’d ever told. 

 “Then why are you keeping them?” There was that look again. 

 “Because… if they’re there then I can always change my mind and read them.” 

 “Thank you.” 

 “For what?”

 Charlie put her hands on either side of Castiel’s cheeks and looked into his eyes. “For being honest with me for the first time in six months.” She forced a smile. “I’m mad at him, too. Especially for what he did to you and the kid.” 

 “The seasoned detectives always talked about the one case that they could never get past. I was certain that it was Benny.” His voice broke from saying the name out loud after so many years. “I didn’t think anything could be worse than that, but this . It has to be this, Charlie. I’m never getting past this. I am a ruined man.” 

 “You aren’t ruined. You’re hurt, but we always keep fighting, Cas. It’s what we do. You get knocked down, and you get up again.” 

 “Do not say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

 “I won’t say it, but only because I think you get the picture.” She moved her hands from his face and propped herself up so she was looking down at him. “What if Harry Potter decided that he couldn’t fight Voldemort because he was just Harry? No matter how many times that you are knocked down you have to get back up. It’s up to you, and fuck it, it’s up to me, too.” 

 “I don’t understand that reference,” he said with a desperate frustration. 

 She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I know, Cassy, okay? It’s just the sentiment. I’m just saying, get back up, Rocky. You’ve gotta keep going. You’ve gotta try again, or you’ll never survive this.” 

 Castiel ran his tongue along his bottom lip, wetting it, before he let out a shaky sigh. “Okay.”

 “Great,” she said, brightly. “Now get up, take a shower and brush your goddamn teeth because your breath is disgusting.” She laughed, poking his nose. “It’s time, Cassy.” 

 “I know it is,” he agreed, sitting up. 

 Charlie hopped out of his bed and walked to his window, opening up the curtains. “We have to get you the hell out of Jersey, Novak, I’m serious. This is where joy comes to die.” 

 “Don’t tell that to Gabe, he sells joy for a living.” 

 Charlie laughed outright. “You clearly haven’t seen his show if you think he’s selling joy.” 

 “Touché.” 

  Later that afternoon

 “Are you ready?” Charlie turned to Castiel in the backseat of the cab. 

 “No.” 

 She took his hand in hers. “You can do this, and afterwards we can get really, really drunk.” 

 “I’ll take you up on that one,” Cas said sadly, squeezing her hand. “I hate you for making me do this.” 

 “That’s okay. You can hate me.” 

 “I don’t hate you,” he said, wrapping her in a hug. “Thank you for making me get up.” 

 “I was worried that you’d get bedsores.” He could feel her grin widely against his shoulder. 

 “We wouldn’t want that.” 

 “You’re much too pretty for bedsores,” Charlie said pushing his too-long-hair out of his eyes. He was well overdue for a haircut. 

 Castiel leaned forward and placed a kiss on her cheek. “You’re pretty, too.” 

 “Quit trying to romance me, Novak. I’m not into all of that.” 

 “Likewise.” Castiel laughed for a moment, before it stifled into a sigh. “I suppose I should go in.” 

 “You are racking up the cab fare.” 

 “Subtly does not become you, Charlotte.” 

 “I brought a book. I’ll wait outside for you,” Charlie said, pushing him gently toward the door of the cab. 

 “Alright, alright. I’m going.” He shut the door behind him, and walked the long walkway to the front of the jail. He signed in. He was searched and scanned.

 He didn’t want to go, but somewhere deep inside of him he knew that it was the only way. He knew, if he couldn’t read Dean’s words, that seeing him could make a difference. It had to, because in the previous six months nothing had helped pull him out of the grief hole that he’d been buried in. 

 The inside of the prison was gray and hollow like the emptiness within his own chest. He could hear the beat of his heart like the sound of a knock on a door. It echoed through him like the voices over the intercom inside of the prison. 

 “Follow me,” the guard said, leading Castiel to the visiting area. He gestured to the seat at the far end. 

 “Thank you,” Castiel said quietly before settling into his chair. One of the legs on the chair was uneven. He was leaning slightly to the left and every time he shifted his weight the leg clicked back down onto the tile floor. He stared through the fingerprinted glass and wondered when it had been cleaned last.

 He was so distracted by the fingerprints of the longing that he didn’t see Dean approach, and suddenly he was there. He was handcuffed, and while Castiel could admit that he used to imagine Dean in handcuffs, it wasn’t like this. It wasn’t while he was in a gray pair of scrubs behind a fingerprinted glass. 

 Dean was smiling, and he looked like he’d lost weight. Castiel could make out the point in his cheekbones and his jaw was more defined. He looked tired, with darkening half moons under his sparkling green eyes. His freckles looked less frequent across his cheekbones, and Castiel wondered if he had imagined the night sky across his boyfriend’s face, or if perhaps they’d truly faded like dying stars. Perhaps he’d been inside, out of the sun all of these months. 

 Dean reached for the phone and tapped it, causing Castiel to almost jump out of his skin. He glanced at the phone. Was he really going to do it? He thought back to the dozens of letters in his drawer taunting him and picked up the receiver. 

 “Hello, Detective.” 

 “I’m not a detective anymore,” Castiel said flatly, his stomach flipping at the rough sound of Dean’s voice. 

 Dean seemed to scoot in to be closer to Castiel, even though there was a table and smudged glass between them. “Why not?”

 “It wasn’t for me.” 

 His forehead wrinkled in confusion. “But you loved that job. You were good at it.” 

 “Not good enough.” 

 “You were always good enough.” 

 They sat in silence, Castiel’s eyes flickering  down to his lap. 

 Dean cleared his throat. “You look good, Cas.” He smiled, changing the subject. “Very handsome.” 

 Castiel stared at him. He didn’t know what to say. He felt like he was standing next to his body looking down at some sad sack. He wouldn’t be Liz Kendall pining after a serial killer. He knew what Dean did and no amount of flattery could erase those facts. 

 “They said after the trial I may be able to move to a place with a view. A real view.” Dean smiled widely. “Maybe I could get some writing done… but ya know, I wouldn’t want to go too far from Sammy... from you.”

 “It’s not like you have much of a say.” 

 “Right, but I just meant… If I had a choice I wouldn’t try to leave you. I wouldn’t give up on us.” 

 “Us?” Castiel shifted in his seat, the leg clacked against the tile. “There is no us, Dean.” 

 “Sure there is,” Dean said, blinking rapidly. “You love me and you’re… you’re family. Me, you, and Sammy are family. You don’t just walk out on family. Sure, it isn’t ideal, but all relationships have problems, right?” 

 Castiel’s upper lip twitched. “This isn’t a problem, Dean.” 

 “It isn’t? Fuck… that’s a relief to hear…” 

 He put up a hand to quiet Dean before he spun out of control. “It isn’t a problem because there’s no us anymore. I can’t just overlook this. It’s over.”

 “I… shit.” Dean’s fingers ran through his hair, his eyes flickering away from Castiel’s. “I didn’t mean for that to happen, man.”

 Castiel’s heart leapt around his chest like a rabbit in a cage. It banged against his rib cage. He rubbed his sternum, trying to calm it. “And what did you mean to happen, Dean?”

 “Did you read my letters?” 

 Castiel shook his head. “That’s why I’m here.” 

 “Cas, you have to read them. Please.” His eyes were back up, his palm pressing against the glass. 

 “No, Dean.” 

 “I thought you liked the whole bad boy thing,” Dean joked with a glint in his eye and a shit eating smirk planted on his lips. 

 “No,” Castiel said, clenching his fists. “I don’t.” 

 “Cas, come on. I’m not some kind of psycho. You know me.” 

 “I don’t know you!” Castiel snapped. “I don’t know you at all. I thought I loved you, but I was wrong. I was in love with who I wanted you to be. You’re a murderer, and I would never be with someone who is capable of that.”

 Dean looked like he’d been hit, he recoiled, his face twisting in hurt. His hand fell back to his lap with a soft thud. “You’re wrong. What we have is real…” 

 “It was never real, Dean. How could it be? Everything was a lie.” 

 “Not everything.” 

 “That’s what it looks like from where I’m sitting.” Castiel swallowed and the leg of the chair scratched angrily against the tile. “Stop calling me. Stop writing me. Just let me go, Dean. If you care like you say you do, you’ll let me go.” 

 Dean sucked in his breath like he took a blow to the gut. As Castiel turned to hang up the phone that connected them, Dean reached for the glass again. He pressed his fingers against it longingly. “Just read the letters, Cas. I explained everything… if you read them you’ll see.” 

 Castiel shook his head. “I burned them,” he said as he hung up the phone. 

  Two hours later 

 “This should be illegal.” Castiel complained into his whiskey glass. 

 “You love it,” Charlie said, holding her microphone in her hand as she tried to sing along with the words on the screen. “Kiss me like you wanna be loved.” 

 “Just because you’re a redhead does not mean it’s required to sing Ed Sheeran.” 

 “Us gingers have to stick together, Cas, don’t you know? Shit, you got me off the words umm…” 

 He laughed, a good hearty laugh and damn did it feel good. 

 Being a queer man meant that Castiel Novak was not unfamiliar with pain. It lived inside him from the moment he realized he was different, to the moment he moved out of his house when his father couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. The pain grew less and less the older he got. When he became a detective, the pain was almost gone completely. He no longer carried shame like an extra weight around his middle. He was comfortable with himself. 

 The pain  had returned, but it was no longer his sexuality that plagued him. It was Dean. The way his heart ached for Dean was crippling. The moment he came back to New York, him crept back through the cracks of Cas’ carefully built walls. Seeing him at the jail didn’t help matters, and all he could hope for was that time was on his side. That the theory that all wounds eventually healed would be true in his case. 

 In the meantime, he had whiskey, and a bartender with a heavy pour. 

 He jingled his empty glass and the bartender filled his glass. “You’re a good one, Tom. Don’t ever forget that,” he slurred gently. 

 The bartender winked at him, making his cheeks warm up. Nope. No more relationships for you Castiel. You are celibate. You’re a nun. A priest. You’re not hooking up with anyone else! Plus, he isn’t Dean. He tried to shake off that thought as Charlie abandoned the rest of her song and waltzed up to him. 

 “The stage wasn’t ready for me.” 

 “Sure wasn’t.” 

 “Charlie! Hey!” A familiar voice said. 

 Castiel turned slowly, the whiskey in his veins weighing him down like wet clothes. He didn’t need to turn to know who the voice belonged to, Cas could pick the kid out of a line up blindfolded. “Sam.” 

 “Cas, hey.” 

 Eileen waved, her arm through Sam’s, and his eyes flickered to her as he signed, nice to see you. 

  Same , she signed back with a smile, are you okay? 

 Castiel shrugged lightly at her before his looked back to Sam. He’d spoken to him in the last six months, but seeing him was a completely different situation. The whiskey that had settled in Cas’ stomach began to churn angrily. “Rookie, want a drink?”

 “He’s not a Rookie anymore, Cas,” Charlie said with a grin as she sipped on her rum and coke. “Isn’t that right? Our little boy is all grown up!” 

 The kids plaid shirt was tucked in, wrinkle free, but his sleeves were still pushed up to his elbows. He looked fucking exhausted, his hair a new level of shaggy, and his jaw sported a thickening beard. He wasn't sure what he expected to see, part of him thought that time stood still while he was at Gabriels, but the biggest part of him expected to come back to a completely new city. The pieces of his life that stuck and the pieces that changed were almost so minuscule and random that it left him completely unsettled. 

 “I guess not,” Castiel said. “A lot has changed since I’ve been away.” 

 “Are you coming back to work?” Sam asked, shifting his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. His body language was discomfort, but his eyes told Cas a completely different story. They were hazel, but glinting a strong green against the green plaid in his shirt, and they were focused. It had to be a trait that he’d picked up from his brother. Dean was the only person that Castiel had ever known to hold such an intense gaze, that sometimes he thought that Dean could see right through his skin and into his soul. 

 “I don’t think so, kid,” he said, gripping his whiskey glass like it’d keep him from drowning. 

 “We miss you around there.” 

 “It’s just not right, not anymore,” Castiel said before taking another swig of his drink. The room was seconds from spinning, so he closed his eyes and tried to center himself. That didn’t last long, though. It was hard to hide from Dean when his face popped up every time Castiel closed his eyes. Hello, Detective. Chills ran up his spine, and he sat down his glass. 

 “The trial is next week,” Sam said, running his fingers along the outside of his beer bottle, rubbing designs into the bottle’s sweat. “Are you going?” Sam looked at Castiel like he wanted something from him, like he expected Cas to fix every problem that he had with one simple yes . 

 Castiel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. The kid was looking at Cas, like he was sure that he looked at Dean. “I don’t think so, Sam.” 

 “It would mean a lot to me to have some familiar faces, and I know it’d mean a lot to my brother.” 

 Castiel stood up from his seat and swayed a little, his hand catching the bar top to steady himself. His eyes settled on Sam’s chin, Dean’s chin . The way that he talked, tilting his head to the side, was all Dean, and Cas couldn’t fucking take it anymore. “Sam, I don’t mean to be rude, but he doesn’t deserve me being there.” 

 “Sweetie, don’t,” Charlie said, putting her hand out, but he gestured it away, his eyes not leaving Sam’s. 

 “He broke my fucking heart,” he said, his voice cracking, breaking into pieces. “I shouldn’t have to go and watch that. It’ll hurt too much. It’ll hurt too fucking much.” 

  One month later

 “Where are you going?” Gabriel asked, leaning against the door frame to Castiel’s room. 

 Cas looked up at his brother from his open suitcase. “I need to start over, Gabriel.” 

 “I know.” He nodded with understanding in his eyes. Gabe was always such a child, but he was there when Castiel needed him. There wasn't much else that he could ask for in a brother. 

 “I think I’m going to California. I just need to be somewhere else. A different coast, a different time zone.” 

 “You can’t run forever.” 

 “I’m not running,” he sighed, laying down the shirt that he was folding. “At least I’m not trying to. I want to be happy again someday, and I don’t think I can do that here. There’s too much history. It’s smothering.” 

 “I understand.” Gabriel nodded and moved from the door, opening his arms for a hug.

 Cas met his brother’s embrace, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing tightly. “Thank you for everything.”

 “Thanks for leaving me with a goddamned garden. Don’t be mad if you come back and they’re all dead,” Gabriel said, giving him a squeeze before releasing him. “Don’t be a stranger. You have my number.” 

 “I do,” Castiel agreed with a nod. 

 “Alright, well I have a rehearsal for the show tonight. We have to go through light and sound queues. Will you be gone tonight?”

 “I think so.” 

 “Are you going by the trial on your way out? They’re determining the verdict today, right?”

 “Are they?” Castiel asked dumbly. “I hadn’t realized.” 

 “Hm.” Gabriel shrugged. “Maybe I’m wrong. Call me when you land.” 

 “I will,” he said, watching his brother leave. 

 He walked to his desk and pulled out his papers and his pens. He wasn’t an extravagant man, and he didn’t own many things, but the things he owned were his. He’d lost enough, and he wasn't prepared to part with anything else, no matter how small. 

 He opened up his last desk drawer and stared at the pile of white envelopes. Detective Castiel Novak. He sucked in his breath and pulled them out. Writing love letters long hand always sounded so romantic, but staring at the letters seemed like something else altogether. It felt daunting, heavy. He closed his eyes and pressed the letters to his chest like a hug. Dean. His mind called out like it was second nature, and he lowered himself down to a seated position on the end of the bed. He stared at the letters, willing his x-ray vision to absorb the information without making his hands rip the envelopes open to truly expose their secrets. Once they were open there was no going back. 

  Fuck it. 

 He tore open the one on the top, his heartbeat racing at the sound of paper ripping and his finger running along the inside of the envelope. He pulled out the page and unfolded it. 

  Dear Detective Novak, 

  Hey, Cas. I’ve been staring at this page for an hour trying to decide what to say. What could I say that would make a difference? I don’t have that answer, but I know I’ve always been more articulate on the page, so I will take what I can get. I’ve made a mistake, Sweetheart. I fucked up. I let my impulses get the best of me. The same way as when I kissed you back in the alley. I knew it was right, in my gut, so I did it. 

  It was the best kiss of my life. I thought I got high off that kiss. That kiss changed me. You changed me, even though I’m sure you won’t believe that. I know what I look like to you, I just want you to understand… life is full of disappointments. Dads who drink way too much and beat you stupid for wearing a pair of pink panties, even though a girl dared you to do it, and Moms who die. They burn alive and no one bothers to find the answers. The bad guys get away. I couldn’t let that happen to anyone else. I couldn’t let it happen to you, because you’re good, Cas. You’re better than I’d ever be. I know that because I am shitting in an open room with three other guys, and you’re out there living your life. 

  You deserve that life, Cas. I just hate myself for removing myself from that situation, because we could’ve had a life together, you know? The kids, a dog, the whole nine. I would’ve liked that. I’m sure you don’t believe me, but I do love you. I don’t say that shit lightly, Cas. I love you, man. You’re the one. You were always the one. 

  Dean

  Dear Detective Novak, 

  Hey, Sweetheart. I got some yard time today, and I just kept thinking, damn that sky is blue just like my blue eyed angel. Looking up at the sky reminded me that I’m under the same sky that you’re under. That gave me some kind of peace, man. I never thought I could handle jail, but knowing that you’re out there helps. 

  I know you don’t approve of my methods, Cas, but it isn’t all bad. Krystal visited me the other day, and she thanked me for killing Crowley. I didn’t do it for the thanks, but some of those girls are going back to college and their families! That’s a win, right? We have to take all the wins we can get. I hope you aren’t too mad at me, Detective. I couldn’t stand it if I lost you forever. 

  But I figure nothing too bad can happen on a day where the sky is this blue. It’d just be wrong, and there’s enough wrong in this goddamn world, so I’ll take the good where I can get it. The sun on my face, sriracha ramen from the commissary, and you. 

  Dean

  Dear Detective Novak,

  So I’ve been thinking about first loves lately. I know, what a hard prison thought to have! I better not let the boys here find out that I’m made of cotton candy or I’ll be a bottom for sure, and I’ll only bottom for one guy, you hear? 

  Anyway, I was thinking about first loves. I always thought my first love was this dame Lisa from high school. She did cheer and yoga, and damn it if she wasn’t flexible. She was nice and funny (sorry, not trying to make you jealous. I’ll get to the point), but no matter what she had going for her, she didn’t make me feel a quarter of what I feel for you. I always thought at almost thirty I would be too old to have another first, but fuck, if there was anyone before you I don’t remember them one bit. 

  You light me up, baby. I promised myself I wouldn’t shit out a bunch of clichés, but you do that to me. You make them sound good. Damn it, you make everything sound good. Maybe it wasn't our time, Cas. Maybe it was fate, the fault in our stars, or maybe it was just me. Maybe I fucked it all up, but I think in another life it could be us. It will be us, because this isn’t something that just happens, you know?

  This is real, Cas. It has to be.

  Dean

  Dear Detective Novak,

  I love you with all the stars in the sky. I love you like I love pie. I didn’t say it enough, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that. I’d give it all up just to hear you say you love me one more time. Damn, I sound like a chick. Forget I said anything. Write me back, even just to tell me how gay this all sounds. Anything. I miss hearing from you. I miss your dry humor and your shitty attitude. I just miss you, ok?

  Dean

 Castiel was in the car before he knew it, his suitcase still open on the bed. He still clutched the letters in his hand for dear life as he backed out of Gabriel’s driveway and headed toward the city. Toward him. He needed answers that not even a dozen letters could give him. 

 Dean was a monster. No, Dean was a man, nothing more or less. Men make mistakes. Some are forgivable and some are not. Castiel didn’t grow up believing in God, despite his angelic name. Castiel meant shield of God in Hebrew, so it was no real surprise that someone desperate for justice came to fall in love with him. 

 Perhaps it was wrong for Castiel to love Dean at all. Perhaps that love was long gone, as he had assured Dean the last day he saw him, but how could he know for certain if he didn’t see him one last time? Gabriel talked about closure, and Castiel knew, as the space closed between himself and New York City, that he had never gotten that closure. It wasn’t about slamming the door shut on Dean Winchester. It wasn’t about seeing him in that prison and knowing that he did the things that Castiel was most afraid of, it was about another end altogether. It was about saying goodbye to Dean and his feelings for Dean. Castiel hadn’t said goodbye, and this would be his last chance. If he hadn’t missed it already. 

 He got out of the car blocks away from the courthouse, knowing he wouldn’t be able to find anything closer. He shoved the letters in the back pocket of his slacks, and he ran. He ran, pushing past other people on the street. He could hear his shoes smack the concrete, the scratch of the chair against the tile in the jail, Dean saying his name in the darkness, and the beat of his heart in his chest. He pushed harder. “Get out of my way!” 

 It felt like the end of a romantic comedy, like he was running to break up a wedding or to confess his love. Except this time, there would be no confession, no wedding, and all Castiel expected was pain. He expected it to hurt, to watch him be led away in handcuffs, but he ran toward Dean anyway. 

 He half expected to find himself trapped back in that endless nightmare cycle that he’d been in over and over again, only to wake up next to Dean, but there was no rain on his face, the sun was out, and the walls weren’t closing in. Reality was so much worse than his nightmares. 

 The streets were crowded with onlookers, with protesters, with reporters. It was bustling, even more so than the usual New York City bustle. He pushed past the people to the tape separating the walkway from the crowd. Across from him he locked eyes with Sam, Eileen, and Charlie. He could see Charlie mouth his name, yet he heard nothing but the door from the courthouse opening. 

 Next to him the reporters called out questions, with their recording devices stuck well over the line, obscuring Castiel’s view of Dean. It was over. There was a weight in the air. An armed officer held one of Dean’s arms handcuffed behind his back. He wore a suit, and his collar stuck out from the neck of his suit, and Castiel’s heart squeezed at the image. Sometimes, Dean seemed like such a child, and when he turned and the sunlight glinted in the green of his eye, he looked hopeful. Fuck, he looked innocent. 

 Dean smiled when his eyes caught Castiel’s, bright and big. His left shoulder lifted a bit as if to wave, as if he’d forgotten that he was chained. As if he’d forgotten that he and Castiel weren’t the only two men on the street. Hi, Dean mouthed with a wink. Castiel was still angry, but in that moment his stomach flipped. There was something about the wrinkles around Dean’s eyes when he smiled, they made Castiel dizzy. They made him a little hopeful, too. 

 It all happened so fast. 

 It always does, doesn’t it? The day turning to night, falling in love, dying all happen in a blink. 

 Dean was still grinning in a way that was stupidly beautiful, even as his eyes widened in shock. His body jolted backwards a bit, his shoulder hitting the guard to his left from the impact. He was knocked completely off his feet, and Dean was usually so steady. 

 A gunshot is not an unfamiliar sound to a detective in the NYPD. With the point he was at in his career, Castiel could easily tell the difference between a firework, a car backfiring, or a true gunshot. He’d shot many at the gun range, heard them in the field, and shot many rounds of his own weapon, sometimes at targets, sometimes at people. He was taught to shoot to kill, don’t give the motherfuckers a second chance to attack. 

 So when Castiel heard the bang echo off the buildings, he didn’t hesitate. Perhaps it was instinct, or maybe it was the way Dean’s eyes had lit up when he caught Castiel in the crowd. 

 Cas leaped over the tape separating them, and the guards sprang into action, raising their own weapons. He managed to push behind them and catch Dean seconds before his head hit the ground. “Fuck,” he whispered, looking up at the ex-detective.

 Castiel moved his eyes from Dean’s face to his bleeding abdomen. “Oh my god.” It looked like it hit an artery. A red rush of blood, like a dam being broken.

 “Shit, does it look like that scene from The Shining?” Dean asked with a dry, strained laugh.

 “Shut up,” Castiel murmured, putting pressure on the wound.

 “Cas I...” He gasped out in pain as Castiel applied more pressure. Maybe to help, or maybe to just get him to be fucking quiet for once. 

 “Just focus on not dying, okay?”

 Dean nodded with a wince, as if that was going to be tough. 

 Castiel could feel the heat of the sun on his back as the guards moved toward the crowd. 

 “You don’t understand!” A woman cried out. “He is a murderer! He killed my husband… my sweet Lucas. He was… he could be a monster… but he was mine. I loved him.” Her voice seemed to come from nowhere in particular. Castiel closed his eyes. 

 Mrs. Azazel. Of course. Castiel would never forget his interview with her. He wondered if she had Stockholm Syndrome with how much she defended her husband against his actions towards their daughter. He felt sick. When he opened his eyes Dean was looking up at him. His face was growing more and more pale by the moment. 

 Dean’s blood was seeping through Castiel’s fingers. His hands were slick with it. No amount of pressure was enough. He could hear the sirens from the ambulance coming, but it wasn’t fast enough. Everything was in slow motion. 

 It was all so slow, but in another way it was instant. 

 Castiel didn’t feel the pain. It was more like a pinch, a mosquito bite against his back. Another shot rang through the air, and it sounded like his mother’s prize vase shattering into a million pieces on the tile floor. He held his position on his knee to keep Dean in place.

 He always thought he would’ve made an excellent soldier. Castiel Novak was a good man in a storm. 

 “Somebody take her down, for God sakes!” Castiel commanded. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t an officer anymore or that he was no one's superior, his presence demanded respect wherever he went. 

 The crowd was a wild mass of hysterical screaming. Sobbing. But Castiel was calm. His eyes were focused on the freckles on Dean’s cheekbones alone. Suddenly he believed the theory about angel kisses causing more freckles. He could leave a thousand.

 “Detective, you’re bleeding”

 “I’m fine, barely grazed me. Just stay awake for me, okay? Keep your breathing steady.”

 “You were shot. I got you shot.” Dean's voice was shaking. It was a rough whisper as the blood continued to pool on his abdomen. His shoulders pulled forward as he seemed to try to reach out, but his hands were still chained in place. 

 “You didn’t do anything. This isn’t on you,” Castiel said, forcing a smile. “I’m good. Trust me. You’re the one bleeding all over the place. You always have to be the center of attention, don’t you?”

 “You know me, a real attention whore.” Dean smiled a bit, despite the blood that trickled down the corner of his mouth. “You came.”

 “Don’t be inappropriate. We are in public,” Castiel said through clenched teeth. It was a poor attempt at a joke. He clutched Dean’s wound with one hand, his other under Dean’s head. 

 “You love it,” Dean gasped, and closed his eyes.

 He did. “Hey, hey look at me.”

 “Don’t gotta ask me twice,” Dean said, his voice hoarse. “I never get tired of lookin’ at ya. Those fuckin’ blue eyes.”

 “It’s just you and me, Dean. Okay?” Cas said, gasping from the stinging pain that danced up through the wound on his back. His hands were shaking. 

 “Detective?”

 “Yeah?”

 “Don’t cry for me, okay?” Dean asked, turning his head to place a gentle, tear-soaked kiss on the inside of Castiel’s wrist. “We always get what we deserve. I always knew it would end like this for me. I’m goin’ out like an outlaw, and you can’t cry for an outlaw, Detective,” he said, his voice barely a strained whisper. 

 Castiel dipped his face down to Dean’s. “Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” he whispered before pressing his lips to Dean’s one more time. Cas kissed him slowly and deliberately, like a last confession, until the pain and the darkness overtook them both. 

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