#But I swear I've been with my boyfriend for 17 years and if I say we've never had a single conversation together where he didn't manage to

[thelostgirl21]

Same...

[remnantsfm]

[EVENT 002 UPDATE] SHADOWS OVER ANSAN

CHIRRUP > FORUMS > SORT BY [LATEST] > THREAD: did anyone else get sick after the interrogation?

📌 carmine_heart (original poster): i'll keep this short since i'm still in pretty bad shape. basically a couple of days ago i went to the enforcer division for my questioning. i thought it went okay, i answered all of their questions, they were pretty nice and offered me a drink too. i went home feeling pretty good since my boyfriend confirmed my alibi that same day. but then this next morning i started to feel weird. my head felt hot and at first i thought it was a fever, but i don't know. this feels different. my head feels like it's so...full, and i haven't really been able to think properly. i feel like i'm sleepwalking. i can't tell if i'm just so stressed about this case that i'm making myself sick or what. my boyfriend says i've been acting weird. saying weird things. but it's really hard to remember the last day, much less what i said... there was a reason i wanted to post here but i can't remember now either. please can someone tell me i'm not the only one going through this?

comments. ( < page 2 of 37 > )

cerulean_scale: Maybe you caught something? There's been a cold going around since the storm. scarlet_venom: i feel it too doesnt it feel so good? ;my bed feels like clouds. i dont ever want to leave amber_tear: okay idk what all of you are talking about but personally my interview went AMAZING. it made me realize a few things about myself. i went to my best friend's house after and confessed. i feel like i'm on some kind of high. i feel fucking great!!! emerald_touch: serial killer on the loose and everyone starts literally losing their minds loooool searing_sparrow: something happened at that place. i swear. i felt fine at first too but i woke up this morning and my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest. a couple min ago i called my mom and told her some shit i've kept from her in years and i don't remember what the hell i was thinking when i wanted to do that. i barely remember the call at all its like it was someone else and i was just watching from the other side. i feel like i'm going out of my mind radiant_flame: hey (@)searing_sparrow i'm friends with OP and i went to check up on them earlier today and the way they were acting... i'm worried. can we talk offline? silver_lantern: i don't think you're sick. https://www(.)thebell(.)com/article/23-08/water-advisory-issued-foul-play-suspected-by-enforc…

THE BELL > CURRENT EVENTS > TODAY WATER ADVISORY ISSUED. FOUL PLAY INVOLVED?

❝ [11:22 KST]. the city has issued a PUBLIC DRINKING WATER ADVISORY affecting ALL public and private buildings registered to the city of ansan. no specific details have been provided yet, but the contamination is confirmed to be neither toxic nor harmful. drinking from impacted water sources can result in several days of a FEVER-LIKE CONDITION, including high temperatures, erratic behavior, and lethargy/overactivity. the city advises all citizens to AVOID CONSUMING WATER SOURCED WITHIN ANSAN, including but not limited to: tap water, bottled water of ansan origins, and potentially natural sources of water within city limits. this warning remains in effect until the city deems it safe. civil offices are already facing outcries as this advisory comes amidst a pending murder investigation, for which the enforcer division still has not resolved. multiple anonymous sources have claimed that they experienced these symptoms far earlier, however, suspecting that contamination may have began as early as the day the murder investigation was publicized . . . ❞

OOC INFORMATION.

welcome to PART II of [EVENT 002] SHADOWS OVER ANSAN!

this event will last OOC from 3. august - 17. august.

ansan's water sources have been contaminated with an unknown substance that causes anyone who drinks it to experience a hazy, fever-like condition that makes them more . . . HONEST.

to participate, simply reblog the PROMPT LIST for each participating muse and make sure your askbox is opened.

all participants are required to send at least one prompt to all other participants. you may send multiple prompts out to each muse, but at least ONE prompt should be sent OFF-ANON so that the admins can make sure everyone is participating fairly!

to avoid blogs possibly getting sh@dowbanned, try to avoid sending many prompts in a short period of time.

as this event is a pseudo honesty hour, we want to encourage the spirit of honesty! in-character, this condition makes the muse feel more feverish / nauseous / faint if they actively attempt to lie or suppress the urge for honesty. avoiding the truth can also heighten the symptoms.

conversely, giving into the honesty will grant the muse a brief feeling of relief from the symptoms.

[dorefasolsido]

15.

How old were you when...

you had your first crush?

Back in kindergarten. It was a boy from my group that always played the prince in every play we did lol

you had your first kiss?

I saw a photo of myself kissing some boy at my birthday when I was really really young, so I guess that's it lol

you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend?

I had my first whatever-that-was when I was 22/23. It's hard to say it was a real relationship, but it wasn't just a normal friendship either.

you made your first best friend?

I think when I was 4/5. It was in kindergarten, but then we fell out and stopped being friends. That girl was then in the same class with me in high school, and we still weren't friends, but not because of the fight lol. Neither of us could remember what the fight was even about.

you had your first break-up with a significant other?

Well, I guess you could say when I was 24.

you started your period (if you're a girl)?

I was around 12.

you got engaged?

Never.

you got married?

Same, and not planning to.

you lost your virginity?

Haven't lost it yet. And I hate that term too.

you had your first child?

No kids.

you first moved out of your house?

I was 19 when I moved to our capital city to go to university.

you graduated high school?

I was 18, turning 19 that year.

you started college?

19.

you moved out of your house permanently?

I mean, I didn't. I moved out at 19, yes, but I still spend half my time in the flat and half with my parents. Well, now it may be more like 2/3 here and 1/3 with my parents, but still.

you first cut yourself?

I never did.

you first thought about suicide?

Oh I don't know. I feel like, even though high school was rough, I never really thought about it then. I kept thinking I just need to push through and it will be better. And it was better, uni was amazing. But yeah, it's definitely been on my mind a lot more now. I don't know when it started.

you learned your first swear word?

Lol I don't know.

you started swearing?

I don't know that either, but I don't normally swear very much.

you had your first sleepover?

Hmmm, not counting the cousin sleepovers, since I did those since I was a literal toddler, I think when I was around 12 or 13.

you were first baptized?

I was around 4, right after my sister was born.

you were baptized and it meant something?

Uhhh, I was baptized only once and it didn't mean anything.

you made you first huge regret?

I'm not sure. I don't tend to view things in such a way, usually.

you felt mature?

Lol I don't. I don't know if I ever did or ever will.

you first were in love with someone?

I don't think I've ever been in love. I thought I was, here and there, but I don't think any of that was more than just a crush.

you first experienced love at first sight?

Never, and I don't believe in it either.

you first encountered God?

I don't know, I remember reading Bible for kids when I was little, so that's probably when. But my family's not religious, so it was just a story to me.

you started going to church?

I've never really gone to church like that.

you got drunk for the first time?

Drunk drunk? Never. My emetophobia says hiii. But the closest I've been was actually a few months ago, after seeing Barbie. I drank two cocktails a little too fast and almost crossed the just tipsy line. It freaked me out a little though, so I gave myself a break from alcohol.

you first tried drugs?

I just turned 26 when I tried weed.

you started to think about your appearance?

I have no clue.

you first joined facebook?

I was around 13/14. But I didn't really want it, so I kept it deactivated until the last year of high school.

you got a cell phone?

My own cell phone, when I was 11.

you got your own laptop?

I was 19 when I got my own laptop, just before I moved out. Then two years ago, I bought a new one with my own money, and I was very proud of myself lol

you got your own digital camera?

Never had one.

you got your own car?

Not yet.

you got your driver's license?

I was 17.

you first got pregnant?

God forbid.

you felt alive for the first time?

I have no clue when that was.

felt loved for the first time?

Also no idea when this was.

[sparklingchim]

long way home 05 | jjk

pairing: jungkook x reader

word count: 1.1k

rating: pg

genre: dilf!jungkook, friends to lovers, angst

warnings: making out, poor girl oc hears them making out

summary: the one where you think calling jungkook will make you stop missing him but it actually worsens the ache in your heart.

a/n: a little flashback cos...i love flashbacks

chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08| 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 |

masterlist | long way home masterlist

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

[2 years ago]

"Are you crying?"

Your brows draw together at the sound of sniffling when Jungkook picked up the phone.

"No, I just cut onions and haven't recovered from that yet."

You roll your eyes. "What the hell made you cook? The kitchen is a dangerous zone for you. You should get out of there."

"Sora and I have date night today and I volunteered to cook. And, by the way, so far everything went smoothly so keep your hate to yourself."

Of course the only time Jungkook is cooking it's for a date night with Sora.

" 'm not hating, just concerned for your well-being." You lean against your couch, staring up at the ceiling. "What are you cooking?"

"Sora's favourite dish," he mumbles distractedly, a loud fizzing noise rings in the background.

Very enlightening, you think. Of course you know what Sora's favourite dish is, why not?

"So why did you call?"

You sigh, averting your gaze to the commercial that plays on the television.

"Just to check in and see if you're alive. I haven't seen you for like, a week?"

This is actually concerning, as you're used to seeing him everyday. You noticed how he cancelled your meet ups more often up till the point where you hadn't seen each other for a week straight. You had stopped asking too - one, because you have a boyfriend with whom you can spend your time and two, because having Jungkook constantly cancel your plans doesn't go unaffected.

"Has it been that long already?"

"Yeah, now tell me, what have you been up to." You twirl a strand of hair between your fingers, waiting for his answer.

"Just...I've been busy," he explains.

"Busy burning down the kitchen?"

"Hey, that hasn't happened yet. I'm actually a good chef, believe it or not."

You don't because you still remember that one time when Jungkook almost set the kitchen on fire because of some popcorn he wanted to make.

"So busy that you can't stop by at the coffee shop for your morning coffee?" you inquire.

"Well...Sora thinks the cute coffee shop around the corner tastes better so she insists on going there every morning."

You gasp, feigning shock. "You're getting your coffee from the competitors?!"

"It's not my fault! She swears it tastes a hundred times better there so I'll just go with it."

You're not surprised that Sora has a weird taste.

"You're a traitor," you huff.

"Though I have to admit that their cookies doesn't taste as good as your cookies," Jungkook says.

"We have the best in town," you claim. "But hey, I really miss seeing you in the mornings tho. You know how sad I feel every time I have to buy a cookie for myself?"

Jungkook chuckles. "You want me to stop by tomorrow? I'll buy you a cookie for everyday I wasn't there."

"Deal." After pondering about his offer you say, "Actually, don't. I don't want to end up with my tummy hurting again."

"I mean, you could also just not eat them all at once, but okay, then I'll just buy one."

You hear Jungkook walking around, he probably put the phone on the counter and on speaker. You missed talking to him so much.

You part your lips to say something, but get cut off by someone else speaking.

"Jungkook, baby, how much longer will it take?" It's Sora's voice.

"Babe, I told you not to enter the kitchen! It's supposed to be a surprise."

"But Kookie, I'm hungry."

You almost roll your eyes. She has never used that nickname before but after hearing you call him that she suddenly couldn't go five minutes without calling him Kookie.

"Fifteen minutes and then I'm done here, okay?"

"Give me a kiss?" You hear light steps coming closer. And then you hear Jungkook and Sora kiss but it doesn't just end at that. You hear their mouths languidly moving against each other, how the kiss turns into a sloppy make out session and how little sighs fill the room.

Your heart drops and you bite your lip to stop yourself from screaming an insult into your phone to remind Jungkook that you're still there.

"B-babe," you hear Jungkook muttering and Sora giggling against his mouth.

The kissing sounds stop. "Who were you talking with, by the way?"

"Y/n called. I'm actually on the phone with her," he answers quietly, but his phone still picks it up just like it picked up all the other noises.

"Oh, I- I didn't know. Oops."

"It's fine."

No it's not fine, you want to say.

A few seconds later it's silent. You only hear the food bubbling and fizzing.

Jungkook clears his throat. "Y/n?"

"I'm still here."

"Sora came in and - did you hear something?"

"No just...you talked and then it went silent," you lie.

"Okay, good. So about - "

"Gguk, I think I gotta hang up. Minjun and I wanted to have a movie night so...you know. Gotta prepare some snacks."

"Oh okay...Have fun you two!"

"Thanks, uh, you two as well. I hope you didn't mess up the food."

"You could have a dish by Gordon Ramsay next to mine and you wouldn't be able to tell which is his."

You giggle, though it's sounds a bit strained to your ears. "I hope this will also apply to the taste of it."

"You're underestimating me, baby." You can hear the grin plastered on his face as the words leave his mouth. You have to gulp because - baby. You shouldn't be feeling tingles down your spine at a nickname he has called you his whole life with. "I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Bye!"

As soon as you hang up you throw your head back on the couch. You feel...empty. Which is not how you thought you'd be feeling after hearing Jungkook's voice after a week again. You didn't stop missing him either. At least he's visiting the coffee shop tomorrow morning.

"Y/n," Minjun says behind you.

You jump, not expecting him in the living room. He was taking a shower and you didn't hear how he turned off the water.

"Who were you talking with?" he asks, walking to you to sit next to you, his hair still wet.

"Just...Seulgi," you lie. Minjun is a little jealous of your close friendship with Jungkook and because you don't want to put up with his annoying mood that he gets into when he's jealous, you decide that you're better off with lying.

He throws an arm around you, pulling you closer to him. He smells nice.

"Did you pick out a movie yet?"

"You can pick one out. Lemme get us some snacks first." You peck his cheek and want to stand up but he grabs your wrist, turning your head to him to give you a proper kiss on the lips.

It's a kiss. With your boyfriend. And yet you don't feel nearly as many tingles running down your spine as when Jungkook called you a stupid little nickname that has no deep meaning whatsoever.

[moonlightflower21]

just like magic

a/n: angsty fluffy. normal raph. there may be mistakes and it may be hard to follow through lol. but i hope you enjoy ❤

"y/n!! wait, please wait!!" the call of raph desperately trying to reach you fell on deaf ears as you angrily walked into the public so he couldn't come close.

it was so hard to decipher what you were feeling. betrayal, anger, sadness, embarrassment, pain. sometimes it felt like you couldn't even catch a break. he had been acting so suspicious and you couldn't help but recall what your best friend had said earlier, that when a boyfriend stop texting and calling back they were sleeping around.

he couldn't.... could he?

that one girl, amber, from the chief vincent crew had been crushing on him forever. you learnt that raph and her had a small fling years ago, before he ever met you. but other than that, you didn't know much else other than the fact that she absolutely hated your guts. the feeling was mutual of course but she never failed to make any small digs at you whenever you were together.

so when she came out of his room wearing nothing but lingerie, it wasn't an understatement to say your heart felt it had been stomped on the floor. leo, mikey and donnie were all out with their significant others so they couldn't even provide any help or shed any light on why she was in your boyfriend room

the reason as to why you came around was because you thought of surprising him, considering you hadn't even seen him for the last two weeks. he seemed to vanish for hours on end and while you didn't want to jump to any conclusions, you just had to talk to him. but seeing her come out of his room that he let no one in felt like a punch to the gut.

"when will you ever learn? first loves outshine any other" amber cackled in your face, swaying her hips as she left the lair. you couldn't even speak scared you would start crying on the spot. and the last thing you wanted was to give her the satisfaction.

you entered the room but aside her horrible perfume stinking the air, raph was nowhere to be seen. hell his bed looked empty. untouched. and yet his window was open, so perhaps he escaped? the more reasonable part of you disagreed vehemently, he wouldn't do this shit. and you couldn't trust that woman, she was out to drive you both apart

but this wasn't excusable either. the air felt constricting here, walls falling in closer so you left. angry tears on the brink of falling, the excited evening you had planned obliterated in small pieces.

---

the small bench in the park was empty and you sat, trying to reel in those thoughts but they proved to be a challenge.

"y/n please listen to me, i can explain everything i swear" you rolled your eyes but stood up. hearing his part would at least put your mind at ease and those burning questions could finally be answered.

"you get one chance raphael. let's go to my place, i don't want other people listening in" you look into his pleading eyes, turning the corner and walking home with him eagerly following you close.

raph entered your room, thankful for the heat that flooded his system. he didn't realise how long he was outside and how cold he was until he bagn to shake slightly. he turned his attention to you as you shrugged odd your jacket, brows raised at him.

"no more secrets, raph. no more lies otherwise we're done" you snapped, crossing your arms over your chest. he nodded, ready to answer the oncoming slaught of questions that had been scorching holes in your chest.

"who is amber? and do you still have any feelings towards her??" your voice trembled a little at the end of that sentence, hoping her put your mind at ease. his jaw seem to clench slightly at the memory of her which brought some amusement.

"she's someone i thought i was in love wit'. 17 years old me didn't know shit at the time. after a while, i knew whatever we had was just infatuation. it was never gonna work out. she wanted a relationship while i was looking for something small. but that's in my past. i don't have any love towards her anymore. she was just a silly crush"

"she was your crush? doesn't seem like it" "she was. ya can't be mad at that because you've also crushed on guys before i came but that's a good thing! because they led us closer to each other and look at us" he holds your hand, his thumb gently rubbing over your knuckles which was something he usually did to reduce your stress. and against your will, you could feel those familiar butterflies invade your lower belly.

"but why was she in your room? looking very cosy in there, i might add" your jaw clenched tightly, glaring at the floor in order to contain your anger.

"she what?? y/n i promise i had no idea why amber was even in my room. i wasn't even there. in fact, i'm barely ever there most days" he rubbed the back of his neck, hesitating the last part.

"why?" your brow lifts and he sighs, grimacing.

"well... i... uh... got a job" he chuckles awkwardly, expecting you to burst in laughter. but you just seemed to have a confused look, intrigued at his comment.

"a job?" you ask and he nods, fidgeting with the end of his shorts.

"yeah... in construction. splinter thought it would be good anger management. i started doing it to also pay back for the necklace... that ya don't seem ta wear anymore" he narrowed his amber eyes around your neck and true to his word, you had taken it off. your hand touches your chest, feeling only the bare skin instead. the only reason you had taken it off was because he just kept being so secretive around you. and you didn't know who to trust.

"so that explains the extra muscles on your arms" you ponder and he laughs, flexing his bicep.

"they got us liftin heavy stuff" he rolls his shoulders, aching from last night. "i'm sorry for not saying anything about it. i didn't want to be laughed at" he chuckles but there's no humour in his voice, just nervousness which is rare for raph to ever have.

"you'd think i'd laugh at you?? i'm the last person to judge and i think it's a good thing for you. it's healthy to let your anger out in this way, i'm proud of you. but you have to stop with these secrets, they're only driving a wedge between us" your hand is gently placed on his knee which he appreciates, with you he never feels pressured to say things. you let him take his time which he's never found in other partners before.

"i know i just didn't want ta disappoint ya, i'm not a millionaire and i'm not the greatest looking guy either. i just wanted ya ta be happy at somethin-" "raph, you could never disappoint me. i don't care about money or fame, i just want you to be as serious about us, i just want to be there for you. but i can't do that if you keep pushing me away, hiding these things from me" you sigh your previous anger melting into sadness and relief.

"m'sorry princess, i do care about us. there's just things that i have trouble saying. but i promise i never mean to intentionally hurt ya" he cradles your hand, his gaze on the floor in deep thought. your head gingerly leans against his arms and his finger places comforting circles around your knuckles.

"where is yer friend? aren't ya supposed ta go out tonight?" raph remembered, looking around the room.

"yeah she's supposed to come soon but i haven't confirmed anything" you lean back on the bed watching his amber eyes narrow mischievously. in the way you grew to adore.

"so what i'm hearing is, we have time?" he smirked but you gently nudge his chest, shaking your head with an amused smile.

"i'm still annoyed at you" you chuckle when he smiles softly, his eyes shining under your lights. he leans closer to you, simply just wanting to be in your embrace.

"and i'll spend every moment making it up ta ya. let's just cuddle, i've missed ya"

[chrisevansgoodgirl]

i've heard allegations 'bout your reputation, i'll show you my shadows if you show yours

summary: requested (like a year ago, sorry!)  Reader and Andy getting in a legitimate fight or maybe flirting in front of him with one of his colleagues to get under his skin because he hasn’t touched her in weeks from being so busy jealous Andy would be so dominant I’m weak i took some liberties and set it at the christmas eve party at andy’s office.

warnings: andrew barber being r o u g h  😩 😩 😩 and jealous 😩  and mean bc i just so deeply want this man to yell at me and pull my hair bc he’s an angry daddy, however, he is not called daddy in this story bc i don’t do it unless you guys ask me to. so smut, and he’s in charge and i’m dead about it. more videos being made bc apparently that’s on my mind.

word count: around 7,500

pairing: andy barber x reader

a/n: i hate that it took me so long to post this but here i am, almost a month late with a christmas eve party story. i have very little shame tbh.

You were not unreasonable, no matter what Andy claimed. You could always admit what was your fault—which was about 80% of all disagreements—but Andy had his faults, too. Tonight? Well, you weren’t innocent…but you were not the only one to blame.

This was the third Christmas party he had taken you to. The first year had not completely been his doing. Lynn had been bothering him about it and he would have gotten away with pretending it just wasn’t possible had Lynn not run into you at the coffee shop near Andy’s house.

You had been accustomed to Andy by then. He didn’t put distance between you two because he wanted to, he just simply wasn’t the best at getting close. You practically forced him into sometimes, and it had never gone wrong, so he trusted you. A lot.

You weren’t sure you were going to be able to say that much longer. You had your moments, those situations where you pushed him just a little too far. Not so far that he was angry about it, but far enough that you ended up with a sore ass and maybe a few finger-shaped bruises on your skin.

As if that was an incentive to stop?

Lately, things had been…off. Andy was working on a big case, one that he had just finished the day before. You expected that he was going to come home and make up for not having touched you in 17 days. Yet, that didn’t happen.

You weren’t trying to complain too much. The “honeymoon phase” was something that could not be applied to your relationship because you were as happy as any other day, you loved him more and more as time went on, and you guys always had sex. Always.

But there were the cases that sometimes threw a slight pause in that. That was fine, you understood and it wasn’t like you were with Andy for sex. You loved that man so fucking much, you could deal with some neglect for a little bit. Emphasis on a little bit.

17 days with no immediate plans to remedy it was crossing a line. So, on the 18th night, the night of his office Christmas party, after he merely kissed your head, told you that you looked beautiful, and didn’t fuck you in your tiny, sparkly dress, you also wanted to cross a line. A specific line because it was hard to get a reaction out of him any other way.

Andrew Barber was a jealous man. It was something you never played with because he was jealous. He wasn’t some immature idiot who was going to cause a scene, but he would interrogate you about people he felt were “suspicious”.

On your way to the party, he had wanted to catch up. He felt like this was the first time he was able to breathe since he was put on the case, and he had noticed some distance between you two. You told him about the very basic parts of your day—work, friends, family.

When he placed his hand on your thigh, you had to wonder if this was a game. Why hadn’t he fucked you? Was he trying to make you beg? That was something Andy thoroughly enjoyed, and you trusted him so much that you rarely ever knew when he was doing it. If you stopped to think about it, you would probably find a few times he’d managed to get away with it.

He let you hold his hand and to avoid having to pull away from you, he told you when to move the gear shift. It was cute, too cute for how long you two had been together, but Andy seemed willing to indulge you. He always did when he could.

But as soon as he got to the party, there was more work talk and he had basically pawned you off on Lynn. She was thrilled, of course, she rarely had time for friendships, but she valued Andy, and because of that, she loved you almost as much as he did.

It had been two hours by the time you were completely fed up. Lynn had decided she was about to head out, so she was making her rounds, and that meant that you were stuck with the other partners. Men, women, they were all talking about how great their lawyers had been lately.

Yet, reminder, you hadn’t been fucked in nearly 18 days. You weren’t going to sit around and listen to that for the whole night, you innocently decided to wander a bit. Andy was talking about his case and seemed almost oblivious to your presence. Why did he even bring you? He was the one that reminded you about it, you probably wouldn’t have realized it had gone by until well into next year since work was so hectic.

Regardless, without an answer, you were left to entertain yourself. What else were you supposed to do? Just sit around all night and not speak to anyone? Andy was a complicated man and he had only a handful of people at the job that he liked, but fewer people that he disliked. Most people, he felt indifferent about, and those were the pawns for your current game.

You flit all around the party, laughing, talking to everyone, and though you saw him seeking out your whereabouts every now and then, there was no reaction at all. He didn’t care that some of these sleazy men were staring at your cleavage or your legs—two things he should have done earlier but did not.

By the time you’d nearly spoken to everyone, you felt…possessed, there was no better way to describe it. You were mad and confused and tired, and till the day you died, you would swear on everything you held sacred, the following was not part of your plan. You simply had no other choice than to go along with it when it practically fell in your lap.

Andy hadn’t noticed your best attempts but as soon as Neal was standing in front of you, he was watching. You had not and would not have gone to Neal, it was the other way around. He was possibly picking up on all your sadness and desperation, he was probably able to spot attention-seeking from a mile away since he pulled those kinds of stunts regularly.

Andy was finally paying attention to you and that was why you didn’t walk away. Your boyfriend could deny it all he wanted, but you saw something in his eyes. There was that anger, of course, but there was also that dark gleam. The one that he had when he liked to lay you out under him and remind you who you belong to.

That was all you wanted, that was the only reasoning behind your actions. You didn’t think you’d done anything wrong, not until you laughed at something Neal said and he laughed back, and then he touched your shoulder.

And that was when you knew things had gone too far. You crossed a line, and you should have known better than even trying to use Neal. Because he envied Andy to no end, understandably. Why wouldn’t he try to flirt with you? No one got Andy as angry as Neal, and you should have just put your ego aside and spoken to your boyfriend.

But that window had closed and your time for being a mature, communicating adult was over. You quickly broke away from Neal after that and Andy took only seconds before he was dragging your ass out of that party and to the car.

You weren’t sure what to do. Pretend you didn’t know what the big deal was? Maybe just start blurting out apologies. He opened the car door for you, ushered you in, and then got into the driver’s seat in complete silence.

Andy had been mad at you before, but he had never been so angry he wouldn’t look at you or speak to you. He was gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. His jaw set, brow furrowed, shoulders tense—he stayed that way the entire drive.

Andy wasn’t like this, he usually always had his temper in control. You were worried because you were one of the few people Andy sincerely trusted. It would devastate you if this gave him pause.

When he stopped the car, it became uncomfortably silent. It had taken you almost a minute to decide where you wanted to take this. “Andy, I’m—”

“Don’t apologize.”

“But I am s—”

“Get upstairs, take your dress off, and wait for me on the bed.”

Shit. You fumbled with the handle for a moment, scurrying inside and up the stairs. This was everything that you had wanted, wasn’t it? Then why the fuck were you nervous? Why were you shaking? Why did the idea of a black hole appearing and swallowing you sound so appealing?

You took off your dress and hung it back in your closet. You’d only been in it for a few hours, that didn’t warrant an actual wash. Shakily, you made your way back to the bed and sat there. What about your bra and panties? He hadn’t said. Your shoes? Fuck, what were you supposed to do?

Andy walked in and flipped on the light.

Idiot, why hadn’t you done that?

He made his way to the dresser off to the side of the bedroom, he removed his jacket first, then his cuff links and his tie. He started rolling up his sleeves and you had to look away.

You turned down to your lap. “You didn’t tell me if you wanted me to keep anything else on.”

“I also didn’t tell you that you could speak,” he asserted.

Your stomach dropped, the mere thought of not following his directions was unsettling. When Andy got like this, you wanted to do what he told you to. You wanted him to think you were his good girl. Any time you failed at absolute perfection, you didn’t take it well.

You didn’t know if you should apologize or remain silent. You were wringing your hands, something you became aware of only when he made his way in front of you and placed his hands over yours. You startled slightly, looking up at him.

He grabbed your chin with his thumb and forefinger, keeping your head tilted back. “Are you nervous?”

“I don’t know,” you muttered. You didn’t want him to feel bad because you were feeling some type of way. You also didn’t want to think this had anything to do with him. He’d never given you reason to be nervous.

“Are you scared?”

“Kind of.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to disappoint you.”

He leaned down, face directly in front of yours. “Before we start, I need you to understand that you’ve never disappointed me. Okay?”

You nodded. “Okay.” That didn’t really help as much as he probably thought it would. Even if you hadn’t disappointed him, there was always the chance that you would. And you weren’t sure he was being completely honest anyway. Neal? What the fuck was wrong with you?

“You don’t need to be nervous or scared, just be completely honest with me.”

“Of course.” You would never lie to him.

“Who do you belong to?”

Your answer was immediate, you didn’t even need to think about it. Recalling life before you met Andy was a bit blurry. Who had you been? Where? What had you wanted? “You.”

“So,” he ran his thumb over your bottom lip, “this mouth…”

“Is yours,” you confirmed.

He hummed, fingers trailing from your face all the way down, between your breasts, over your stomach, stopping at the band of your panties. He paused, noting the shakiness in your breath, the goosebumps on your skin, your hands that were gripping the sheets.

Abruptly, his hand dropped to where you had been expecting it to. Your breath hitched and your hips jumped off the bed, desperate for his touch.

He made a small noise of disapproval and you hurriedly settled back down on the bed. “This pussy? Is that mine, too?”

You nodded. “Yes.”

He pulled your panties off to the side and his fingers ran up your wet skin at an agonizing pace. He brought them up to his lips and his tongue slipped out to taste you. He smiled because you had managed to stay almost completely still, apart from a bit of squirming. “You’re such a good girl, baby. You know that’s one of my favorite things about you, how good you are for me.”

That gave you these awful butterflies and you felt hot everywhere. That was all you ever needed to hear. His hand returned to your center and his first finger slid into you. You looked down to see but he grabbed your jaw again and turned you back up.

“Keep watching me, baby.”

He liked to test you, you knew that. He would give you an order and try to make you disobey him. This time, when his hand fell away from your face, you forced yourself to keep your head tilted. You ignored that burning part of you that wanted to see his fingers pushing in and pulling out, covered in what was dripping from your pussy.

You focused on just feeling. One thick finger was slowly working you open for him, he always stretched you out as much as he could meaning you had to be prepared for some teasing. He prioritized this because he was big and he knew it—and you had been smitten enough before he fucked you, but after, there wasn’t a second of the day your body didn’t crave Andy’s.

Despite how rough Andy could be with you, and how generally tough he was, he liked to baby you. Sometimes, he liked treating you as delicately as one would a bouquet of flowers. He could see a lot of comparisons if he really thought about it. You were beautiful, soft, and smelled so sweet. And if he didn’t pay attention to you, well, he’d been reminded of those consequences at the party.

You kept your eyes on his the entire time. You didn’t falter when he added his second finger, nor when he curled his fingers against that spot inside you, nor when his thumb pressed down firmly on your clit.

He pressed one hand down on your shoulder, a cue to lie back. After you had obliged, he pulled his fingers out of you and told you to open your mouth. You instantly did so, closing around his fingers as soon as they were in your reach.

He pressed his fingers down and kept going until your body jerked and the noise of you gagging echoed in the room. “I wanna see those beautiful lips wrapped around my cock, baby girl.”

You eagerly sat up, still sucking on his fingers as you pulled his belt apart, yanked the button of his pants open, and tore down the zipper. Glancing up at him to look for any signs that you didn’t have his permission to proceed, you pushed his pants and boxers down cautiously until his cock was out.

He pulled his fingers from your mouth and nodded. “Go ahead, baby.”

You moved back on the bed and situated yourself onto your stomach, propping up on your elbows. One hand wrapped around his hard length and you let the tip of your tongue come out to catch the precum dripping from his tip.

He released a shaky breath, hands at his sides because he wanted you running the show. For a while, a least. He didn’t want to guide you, he wanted to see how exactly you were going to make up for your slight misstep at the party.

You ran your tongue up his shaft lightly, feigning that whole soft act that you knew he loved. It wasn’t so much an act, but you had been bent over his desk, hair pulled, ass spanked, both holes thoroughly used. But you liked soft, too. You liked slow and gentle mornings, whispered words, careful touching. You liked whatever he wanted to give you.

You closed your lips around just the head of his cock and sucked. Unlike all other men you had been with, Andy was as patient as a saint. He loved when you teased him. Once, he had you edge him with your mouth for nearly an hour and thinking about how he fucked you after still made your toes curl.

His eyes closed and he sighed. “Fuck, baby.” His hand lightly settled on the back of your head. “So good, I could fuck your mouth for the rest of my life.” He didn’t push you down, he just ran his hand through your hair over and over because he knew how much you liked him to play with your hair.

But then his hold tightened and he pulled you off, much to your dismay. He noted your pout and pleading eyes but was kind enough not to taunt you about them. “Get on your back, sweetheart.”

You knew what he wanted as soon as he stepped away. You quickly climbed up toward the edge of the bed and rolled over, bending your neck over the mattress. You automatically opened your mouth for him, but he placed his hands on your shoulders first.

“Relax.” He leaned over and ran his hands along your arms, setting them on the mattress. He pressed your thighs down, waiting until you had lost all the tension in your body. He curled his hand around his length and stroked several times with a loose hand and a slow pace.

You watched in utter fascination. It never failed to get you wet when Andy showed so much control, over himself, over you. He was in charge of every little thing and you could tell that he got off on that. Every time he reached the head of his cock, he would press down so slightly, so close to your lips but just not enough.

“Andy,” you whispered. “Please.”

He smirked again. “Open your mouth for me.” And as soon as you did, he was slowly sliding in. He was slow at first, keeping his hips still as he slipped the straps of your bralette past your shoulders. He rolled the remaining material down until your breasts were exposed and squeezed them in his hands.

You pressed your thighs together, arching up into his hands more. You tried to relax your throat for him, knowing he was only stopping to give you a moment to prepare.

He pinched your nipples painfully and didn’t stop until you whined. He loved feeling you make that sound when his cock was down your throat, and the deep breaths as the pain faded away. Again, he tortured your nipples between his thumb and forefinger, yanked a little, until you were squirming all around the bed, making these noises around him that he rarely ever heard, your eyes filled with tears.

He leaned over quickly, releasing your breasts so he could give them both a brief kiss. You closed your eyes, humming in satisfaction. He took his time sinking his teeth into your sore, erect nipples and you squealed both times, back arching again. His tongue rolled over your stinging skin and you tilted your head eagerly, attempting to take more of him.

Sometimes, it was enough to get him naturally high, how much power he had over you, your body. He could hurt you and you would thank him; he could turn around and give you just a second of gentleness and you looked at him like you’d never loved anyone as much as you loved him. You claimed that, quite often. Andy wasn’t sure if he believed that, not because he didn’t trust you but because he wasn’t wired to think of himself as special in any way. Why you treated him like he was, was confusing to him at times.

But you were special, so fucking special. You were smart and funny, and so kind to every single person you encountered. It was a nice change from the environment he regularly found himself in. That was what you were supposed to be—a breath of fresh air from his hard life. You were not supposed to become his only source of oxygen, yet there he was. It didn’t seem he was reliant on you because Andy wasn’t comfortable expressing reliance on anyone, but he knew he was.

He stood and watched your body move with those deep, sharp breaths you were taking. Abruptly, his hand whipped across one breast, then the other. You cried out, a nice vibration around him, and now you were quivering. It was so easy for him to play your body like this because you were just needy enough that anything would have given you pleasure. Another thing he knew, another thing that made him so damn cocky.

“Open your legs,” he told you and you parted your thighs. Again, he pulled aside your lace panties and pushed two of his fingers inside you. Your cunt was dripping, your arousal gushing out as his fingers thrust in, curled, searched for that spot that made your eyes roll back. The noise of it made his cock twitch.

Your pussy was throbbing, yearning for the release that only this man could give you. You didn’t care how he did it, you just needed Andy. Hands, mouth, cock, you would take anything he wanted you to have.

“Listen to that greedy pussy,” he directed, voice low and quiet. “So desperate to be filled and fucked. But by who, baby?”

Your stomach twisted at not being able to answer him. That was why he asked when you had your mouth full of him, because if you could speak, you would blurt out reassurances that it was only him.

“Me?” he pressed.

You spoke, despite knowing it was going to sound like nonsense.

“And no one else?”

You were quick with your denial. And maybe, by now, since his cock was always in your mouth, he was a professional at understanding what you were saying. Or possibly, it was just the look in your eyes.

“You sure, baby?”

Once more, your voice came out muffled but hurried, almost panicked. He had to know that you didn’t even think about anyone else. He had to know that you thought he was the most beautiful man in the world.

He dragged his free hand up your body and it settled over your neck. Finally, he pulled out from your mouth only to thrust back in harshly. You choked, your throat contracting around him while he massaged his thumb and finger over your pulse points. He let you breathe through it before he started rocking his hips ever so slightly. You could feel him moving along your tongue and your cheeks, but they were small motions.

You always loved this position; it was easier to take all of him. It was easier to breathe on your back with your chest open, and, unlike being on your knees, it left you open for him.

He leaned forward slightly, pressing one hand off to the side of the bed while the other reached between your legs. His fingers danced along your skin without any real intent, but occasionally, he would touch your clit.

You were reaching for any part of him you could touch. Your hands mindlessly grasped at his back and kept slipping off because of his shirt. You couldn’t ask but you wanted it off. He felt your hands working open his buttons and decided to let you have something. He was going to take and take tonight, he could give you a little.

He stood up and loosened his tie enough to pull it off, then shrugged his shirt off. Once again, his palm settled to your neck. “You should see yourself right now. Shaking, wet, such a good girl.”

You reached up, gripping one hand in his pants, the other around the buckle of his belt and you pulled him in more until your throat was struggling.

“Easy, baby.” He took your hands off him, keeping a hold of one and placing the next back down on the bed. He pulled out carefully, dragging his hand up, and inch by inch, pushed back in. “You should see how deep I’m getting. I can see it right here.” The palm of his hand hovered over your skin, just enough that you could feel him, and he followed his cock again, letting you know how much of him you were taking.

It was a lot of him, not enough. And he was deep, but you needed more. You whined, a plea for him to move this along. He couldn’t want to drag this out, not after almost 18 days.

Again, he leaned over until he could touch you. His hips moved steadily, a controlled move that matched how strategically he was working your cunt, everywhere but the most sensitive part of you.

You hated that you couldn’t beg, but it wasn’t as if he didn’t know. It wasn’t as if you weren’t shaking or if your cunt wasn’t clenching desperately, you knew if he couldn’t feel it, he could at least see it. This went on for several moments, he was proud of how well you were taking him, and wanted to give you some type of award.

You were more than just caught off guard when you felt his lips against one of your thighs. Fuck. He couldn’t, you wouldn’t last long. But he went on, scattering kisses over your thighs, fucking your mouth just a fraction harder as he grew closer to your pussy.

As he licked down from your clit to your entrance, your eyes rolled back. Your hips jumped off the bed and one of his hands held you down in response. You were trembling, whining utter nonsense.

Several times, his tongue ran through you and you’d been so worked up, so wet and frustrated since he’d pulled you out of the party, since he hadn’t fucked you in a while, and this was just happening too fast. You wanted to focus on him, you wanted to apologize in the best way you knew how.

You tried to push him back with your hands on his thighs, but you were nowhere near strong enough.

He turned his head to kiss your thigh again. His hips stilled, most of his cock out of your mouth just in case. “Do you need a moment, baby?”

You debated. If you actually made him stop, made him pull out even if just for a second solely so you could ask him not to make you come...he would be outraged. He might even turn you over and spank you. But he also might not let you come at all. You would die, you knew you would.

You let your hands fall away.

“You okay?”

You hummed slowly, comfortably.

Still, one hand settled on your hip bone to keep you from moving, the other you felt on the back of your thigh close to your ass. He kissed your pussy slowly, sucking at your skin just a little, but not your clit, not yet.

He was careful as he began fucking your mouth again, worried he had pushed you too far. He waited until he was sure you were okay before he sucked your clit between his lips and slipped two fingers into you.

You whined around him as your body shuddered.

He kissed you again, several times to get you to calm down. “It’s okay, baby girl. Be a good girl for me.”

So, you understood, he realized that you wanted to object to this, but Andy was the greediest man you had ever had in bed. You weren’t surprised that he just didn’t care. You found it hard to mind as he began fucking his fingers in and out of you, sloppy, wet noises echoing around the room.

He was sucking again and you were desperately clutching at any part of him you could, his sides, his legs. You weren’t pushing him away now, you were pulling him in.

You were so close, your body arching up as much as it could. You felt tension building in every part of your body. Your own hands came up to your breasts mostly because you knew he would feel your hands moving underneath him.

“Fuck,” he cursed. He left your cunt neglected of his mouth for several moments, only using his fingers, as his cock drove down your throat hard.

You were choking loudly, your body again moving wildly as you gagged. It couldn’t have been more than a few times but they were determined thrusts, you were sure he was going to come in your mouth.

Instead, he pulled out completely and you whined shortly. You didn’t want him to go, but you couldn’t say that. All you could do was try to catch your breath. He didn’t even give you a moment to protest before his face was buried in your cunt.

In seconds, you were a mewling, moaning mess for him. Your body was so tight, so full of unbearable tension. You were shaking, sweating, your pussy was loud and soaking wet and you knew you were dripping everywhere, on him, on the bed.

He didn’t tease, he wanted to let you come because he wanted you coming all night. His favorite form of punishment was too much of a good thing, not withholding how much he enjoyed touching you.

You finished with a scream loud enough that the neighbors probably heard. Again.

Andy touched you through it until you stopped moving, save for the shaking aftershocks when he got a tad too close to your clit. When you were loose and sated on the bed, he started to sit you up.

You quickly turned to him, grasping his face. “I love you, only you.”

“I know, sweetheart.”

“I would never look at anyone else.”

“I believe you.” Even if he didn’t, this was not the place to voice that. This...state he got you in when he was this dominant, this demanding, was not completely unlike you. It was just a very obedient, sensitive version of you that he knew he had to be careful with. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt your feelings.

He touched your face and that was when you realized you were crying, he was wiping away your tears. It was either from your finish or from choking on him, you weren’t completely sure. “You’re okay?”

You nodded quickly. “I’m okay.”

He kissed your forehead and you felt hot. As if what you two were just doing wasn’t filthy, this was what made your heart beat faster and gave you those butterflies in your stomach.

He pulled back and kept hold of your face. “What does my baby girl want?”

“I want to feel you inside me.”

As his lips met yours, he began removing all the remaining clothing on either of your bodies. He moved you up the bed until he could lay your head on a pillow and then positioned himself over you.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he promised. “Keep saying it.”

As he carefully pushed into you, you continued to tell him you love him. You stared at him the whole time, willing your body to relax for him. He didn’t like it when you got so worked up, especially over the games he played in the bedroom. The thing with Neal was bad but it was over and you knew he wasn’t mad at you. He wouldn’t fuck you like this if he was.

You clutched onto his shoulders, trying to hold him as close to you as you possibly could. He was the one that grabbed your legs and cued you to wrap them around his body. His cock sliding into your pussy was a feeling you couldn’t understand why he’d left you deprived of.

Once his hips were settled against your thighs and he was completely buried inside you, you reached up to his face. You loved his cheekbones, you could trace them with your touch for days if he let you. And his beard, you loved feeling his beard under your fingertips.

He let you do this, explore him as if you could possibly forget anything after all the other times you did it. You remembered the first time he fucked you, you couldn’t stop staring, you couldn’t stop touching—he was so painfully beautiful. He was so patient with you, always had been, and now, despite how badly you felt his need to move, to fuck you, he was going to wait for you to be ready.

“You did this on purpose,” you muttered.

“Did what?”

“You didn’t fuck me. For 17 days. You…wanted me to make a scene—”

“That’s a pretty serious accusation.”

“I could take it to court and win,” you countered.

He smirked. “Could you? What’s my motive?”

“You like being possessive. You like dragging me out of places, you like bringing me home, you like reminding me who I belong to.”

“And were you reminded?”

“No one really belongs to anyone or anything at the end of the day—”

“No,” he interjected, tone sharp. You always liked that tone. “You belong to me.”

“Maybe…”

“You are mine,” he repeated. “And you’re going to say it or we’re going to have a long night.”

“I will say it if you admit this was your plan all along.”

“You think I wanted you to flirt with Neal?”

Your stomach flipped. “I wasn’t—”

He nodded, placing a hand on your shoulder. “I know, I didn’t mean to word it like that. I know you weren’t—”

You felt slightly like you were about to panic. Flirting with Neal? No. “Never, I would never—”

He shushed you. “I know, baby. I know you wouldn’t because you are a good girl. I promise I know that.”

You settled somewhat but that lingering feeling in the pit of your stomach was hard to ignore. Flirting with Neal? You couldn’t bear him thinking you would ever do that to him. Flirting in general with people Andy felt indifferent to was off the table unless you wanted to placate his desires. Certainly, he had to know that.

“I wanted to hear you beg,” he insisted. “That was what I wanted. I wanted honest begging because you are so fucking beautiful begging for my cock.”

You huffed. “Well, you should have asked.”

“I didn’t want to have to ask.”

“You could have given me a hint. I was going around your party trying to get your attention—”

“You had it, you always do. Now, tell me who you belong to.”

“I think we all belong to the stars.”

“No,” he sighed.

“Or the moon, people who experience menstruation especially. The moon controls us, it’s been studied by scientists. There are articles.”

“Scientific articles do not support that,” he asserted and you couldn’t help but laugh. Andy was exact. He didn’t believe in anything he couldn’t see or that couldn’t be proven. Even now, inside you, he couldn’t turn that part of his brain off.

“Baby,” he sighed as his hand came up to curl around your neck. It just rested there, a heavy reminder of all the times in the past he had held you like that, or those other times when he applied just the right amount of pressure. “I want to fuck you, I want to make you cry, I want you to be shaking after I’m done with you, I want to fill you up with my cum. Don’t you want that?”

You nodded, once again turned on beyond comprehension.

“Then be good and say what I want you to say. Don’t make me make you say it.”

“What if I want you to make me?”

“You don’t.”

Andy’s punishments were always so elaborate and such a blur. He knew how to reduce you to nothing but need, and you needed him so badly sometimes. He loved seeing you like that, but he didn’t always like taking you there. He knew how careful he needed to be during and after, so he reserved it for major misbehavior.

You brought one hand up and set it on his forearm. You could feel his skin and his muscles. “I belong to you.”

Just barely, as he stared at your face, his hold tightened. Your breath stuttered but you made sure not to get too worked up too soon. You didn’t want him to have to stop before he finished inside you.

“That can never happen again, baby.”

“I know. It never will. I’m so—”

He tightened his hand again. “Don’t say sorry.”

You didn’t understand why he wouldn’t let you say the one word you so badly needed to say.

“I don’t blame you, sweetheart, I’m just saying…it can’t happen again.”

You caught the lead of his tone. “But what if it does?”

“I might have to make sure he knows that you’re mine.”

You wanted him to let the whole world know. You knew he saw your eyes light up because he smirked. “How would you do that?”

“I might have to let him see how I fuck you. I might have to show him how I can make you beg for me, or how willingly you bend over when I’m going to spank you. I might have to show him how wet you get after I mark up your ass, maybe how whiny you get when my hand is around your throat. But maybe I’ll just have to send him the video I’ve been recording tonight, how well you can suck my cock, how badly you want to.”

You were stunned for a moment—recording? Where was the camera? The idea of Andy recording you was such a turn on. You loved making videos for him, but you’d always wanted to see one where he was with you. “You’ve been recording?”

“Would you be okay with that if I was?”

“Yes. I want to watch you fuck me.”

“You’re such a good girl.” He pulled his hips back once and then snapped up noisily, pulling a moan from your throat. “You know how much I love that sound? When you can hardly breathe but you still make all those noises you know I want to hear.”

He leaned in to kiss you, hips stilled, hand still wrapped around your neck. It was brief, a reward, a reminder. You were being good and he loved you, but he was going to fuck you.

You broke away, nodding to let him know you were ready, that you wanted this. “Please.”

He rolled over so you were on top of him. He kept his hold on your neck to keep you sitting up and used his opposite hand to grab your ass. After he kneaded your skin hard enough he knew it would bruise, he spanked you loudly, harshly. Your body jerk forward, taking him in deeper than you knew was possible.

You whined, trying to pull back a little. He gripped your ass again and held you there. It was painful but exciting, you wanted him to push your limits tonight. He so rarely did, concerned with pleasing you second and treating you delicate first.

He let you go only to spank your other ass cheek. Again, you moved forward and you felt fuller than you ever had. You ached between your legs, almost uncomfortably but the idea of having him this deep in your body was making you wetter by the second. You were dripping, you could see how wet his skin was, how much of a mess he was making of your pussy.

“Ride me, sweetheart.”

You found a comfortable position, your hands on either side of his waist in the mattress. He settled his arm between your breasts so he could still see them moving as you began jerking your hips back and forth. They were sharp, abrupt movements because you wanted to come so bad, you could hardly think of anything else. Save for your disbelief over the fact that he was making you do this yourself. But you didn’t argue because the last thing you wanted was punishment for talking back.

He closed his hand more, every sound you made was short and strangled. You moved faster, knowing he was closer when he choked you harder. His free hand took one of your breasts. He was so delicate at first, a gentle, slow touch before he was pinching your nipple so hard you were whining. He smacked your breast and you shuddered, nearly falling forward onto him, but he kept you up. Mostly because he wanted to do it again to your other breast.

Every slap against your breasts—loud and stinging, always surprising because he didn’t want you to have the comfort of a pattern—was pushing you closer to your orgasm. You were mindlessly bouncing on his cock, uncaring of the pain you felt every time you came down just a little too hard for how big he was. You felt like an animal, like you were simply a victim to your body’s depraved, primal desires.

You finished first, screaming things you would be impressed if he actually understood. You could cry, the tension built over days was finally all gone.

He rolled over once more, taking his spot on top again.

You clung to him, legs and arms, pulling him in like you would die if he wasn’t close enough. You needed to feel his whole body against yours.

“Hear that, baby?”

Oh, you heard. You’d been trying to ignore it, but of course, not if Andy had any say in it.

“Hear how wet your pussy is?”

So wet. Every time he pulled out and pushed in, the noise would fill the room. You only nodded.

Since you were wrapped around him so tightly, it wasn’t difficult for him to grab your hip and move you up the bed with him. He set you against the headboard, the pillows under the small of your back, propping you up for him.

He was on his knees now for more leverage. You knew he was going to fuck you hard. “Look at this, baby.” He slowly pulled out and you turned down to watch. “See how messy you’re getting my cock?”

“Yes,” you whined.

He grabbed his cock, used it to drag up and down your cunt several times.

“Andy, please.”

He shushed you, a slow, calm action that contrasted when he smacked the head of his cock against your clit.

You gasped and your hips jerked forward.

“Stay still,” he warned.

He did it over and over, and enjoyed watching you fail at trying to stay seated on the bed. He thrust in completely, quick and hard, only to pull out and smack your clit again. This was his routine for what felt like an agonizing hour, but you knew it was nowhere near that long. You knew even he didn’t have that kind of patience.

You cried out when he finally buried himself inside you again. As he pushed forward, he pulled you down. His fingers found your clit and you were soon tumbling over that edge once more.

As he finished, he pulled you on top of him, lying back on the bed. One arm wrapped tight around your back to pin you against his chest, his opposite hand tangled in your hair tightly. He hid his face in the bend of your neck, grunting as his hips continued to rock just slightly.

He kept you there for several long moments until he had completely satisfied himself. You were intoxicated being this close to him. You angled your head as much as you could and kissed the side of his face.

He turned over, setting you on the bed as he pulled out. You watched him curiously, moving to sit up with him. He made a disapproving noise and you laid back again. Once again, he made his way to the dresser and grabbed his phone.

“You were seriously recording?”

He arched an eyebrow. “Do I usually bluff?”

Nope, never.

“Now I have a reference if you ever forget how a good girl is supposed to act.”

You suppressed an eye roll.

“Open your legs.” He came closer, directing the camera at your pussy. He touched you, spreading his cum all over your skin, rubbing circles around your clit, just barely dipping his fingers into you.

You watched his face the whole time. You loved how much Andy loved you and when he stared at you after fucking you, it was hard to miss. He was obsessed with you and he never minded showing it.

For almost a month, you watched that video every day. You were fascinated by him, the way he moved, the way he touched you. After that, you started wanting to record more and Andy never minded.

requests to be tagged:

@onetwo3000​ @chris-evans-indian-fanfic​ @donutloverxo​ @kleohoneyao3​ @cevans-fics​

[iamwestiec]

June 17: Chengxian 💜🖤💕

childhood friends to lovers/QPPs, ace Jiang Cheng, bi & aro Wei Wuxian, modern AU

(A/N: If you're wondering about a certain other someone, he will have a wonderful, full life of his own in Suzhou in this AU but is not in this story. 💙 There are some brief mentions of offscreen ace-antagonism, not by anyone we know.)

Read on ao3

Jiang Cheng had been Wei Ying's best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

Okay. Well, not quite his entire life, but certainly since Wei Ying’s parents moved to California when he was little little, which was about as far back as Wei Ying could remember anyway. Wei Ying’s baba and Jiang Cheng’s baba had grown up in Wuhan together and been best friends when they were kids, so naturally, when Wei Ying’s family moved into the same neighborhood as the Jiangs, it made perfect sense for Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng to become best friends too.

It was Jiang Cheng who had taught Wei Ying that he didn't have to be afraid of dogs, by introducing him to Princess, Jasmine, and Lil' Love. Lil' Love lived up to her name, coming and quietly sitting in all her fluffy glory on Wei Ying’s lap every time he went over to play.

It was also Jiang Cheng who Wei Ying got drunk with for the first time. They snuck booze from the cabinet where Wei Ying’s parents kept it and laughed at the faces each other made with every shot until they stopped tasting the harsh burn, and then laughing more just because.

(Wei Ying’s mom had not laughed, not at the time, when the two teens had been sick as anything the next morning, but instead made them a gloriously greasy late breakfast and gave them lots of advice about proper hydration.

Then she told Jiang Cheng’s mom and let her scold them.)

It was Jiang Cheng who came out first, their first semester in college, when he told Wei Ying he didn't think he wanted to have sex with anyone, ever, and asked if Wei Ying thought that meant no one would ever want to date him. Wei Ying hugged him tight and told him he didn't know about everyone out there, but he knew Jiang Cheng was the best guy in the world and would be an awesome boyfriend, and he'd fight anyone who said differently.

Jiang Cheng found a group on campus for third culture LBGT kids, and Wei Ying went with him, as a supportive ally.

Which was how Wei Ying figured out that he was not just a supportive ally.

In listening to the others talk about orientation and identity and attraction and cultural expectations, Wei Ying realized that what he'd always assumed was normal—finding all kinds of people physically attractive, regardless of their gender—was actually his bisexuality. So that was kind of cool.

"So yeah, now we can be queer together!" Wei Ying said, when he excitedly shared his newfound realization with Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng snorted. "Yeah, 'all' and 'nothing,'" he joked.

It was Jiang Cheng who'd helped him practice what to say to his parents when he wanted to change his major at the end of sophomore year, and Jiang Cheng who reminded him to eat and sleep and "take a fucking break, Wei Ying," those next couple semesters when he took way too many hours so he wouldn't have to rack up a whole extra year's worth of student loans to finish his new degree plan.

It was Jiang Cheng who graduated first, on a gorgeous blue-skyed sunny day in May, and Jiang Cheng who suggested Wei Ying keep living with him at his new apartment, so he wouldn't have to try to find a one-semester lease until he finished in December.

(They renewed the lease together every time.)

Jiang Cheng ribbed him playfully each time Wei Ying met someone new, but he was always there each times things fizzled out after a few months for reasons that never quite made sense to Wei Ying.

Jiang Cheng occasionally dated too, and Wei Ying was glad he never did have to fight anybody—though he did drive Jiang Cheng to the emergency room the time he came home with split knuckles from punching a guy who, "seemed to think I didn't know my own mind about certain things."

But dating sucked for everybody, right? It wasn't like Wei Ying or Jiang Cheng were in any hurry to settle down and do the whole spouse and kids thing or whatever. Wei Ying tried to imagine it and just... couldn't, though the image of Jiang Cheng with a baby was admittedly pretty cute.

~

It was not Jiang Cheng, but Jiang Yanli, a few months after she proposed to her girlfriend and they started planning their wedding, who Wei Ying finally asked, "Yanli-jie, how does a person decide someone else is their person?"

Jiang Yanli looked across the room to where Jiang Cheng was showing her soon-to-be-wife how to put side spin on a billiards ball and smiled. "I think you just know," she said. "You meet someone and you get to know them, spend time together, then one day you realize you love them and want to build the rest of your life with them."

Wei Ying wrinkled his nose. "I dunno if it works that way for me. Just some random person? I've never met anyone I can imagine wanting to live with all the time. Well, besides—huh..." he cut off suddenly and darted a look over at Jiang Yanli, who just calmly sipped her drink.

"Have you ever told him that?" she asked, after a moment where Wei Ying reassessed his entire life and dating history. "I think he might appreciate hearing it."

"I... huh. Yanli-jie, you're kinda blowing my mind here," he complained.

"I gathered," she said wryly, before fixing him with a smile that made all the hair on the back of his neck stand up. "Of course, I trust," she told him, "that I do not need to explain to you of all people how very dearly I hold my didi's happiness and well-being."

He swallowed and raised three fingers in the salute he'd used ever since the summer that—hah—he and Jiang Cheng had decided as kids that they would make their own oath of brotherhood like the heroes of their favorite show. "I, Wei Ying, swear to you that I would kick my own ass before I did anything to hurt him."

Jiang Yanli leaned over to knock her shoulder against his and nodded. "That's what I thought."

~

Turned out, dating Jiang Cheng didn't suck at all.

It felt easy in a way Wei Ying’s past dates never had, less like trying to keep up with a game whose rules everybody knew except him, more like... well, like spending time with his best friend in the whole world, but on purpose. There was also a tension in the back of Wei Ying’s mind that seemed to have lifted, though he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that had gone.

It was Jiang Cheng who helped him figure it out.

"I think it's that now I'm able to count on this. On us," he said, when Wei Ying brought it up. "Before, whenever you went out with someone new, I wondered if this would be the time you'd find someone to fall in love with and leave me behind."

"Aww, Chengcheng! I would never!"

Jiang Cheng huffed and rolled his eyes, but his cheeks were pink. "Well, I know that now," he said, a pleased little smile breaking through his attempts at a scowl.

"As long as you're sure—" Wei Ying began, still getting used to thinking about himself with the word "aromantic." Still a so very sure that Jiang Cheng deserved to be fallen in love with.

"Hey!" Jiang Cheng cut him off. "None of that. I know you. And I know you don't see it this way, but I personally think it's pretty damn romantic that you choose to love me, on purpose."

"I simply have exquisite taste in life partners," Wei Ying sniffed, embarassed the way he always got when Jiang Cheng declared something he'd done "romantic."

"You do," Jiang Cheng agreed. "Someone told me a long time ago I was the best guy in the world and would make an awesome boyfriend, and that he would fight anyone who said differently."

Wei Ying laughed. "That's you and your sister I've promised to kick my own ass if I ever break your heart, then. Guess I'll just have to keep you forever."

"Damn right, you will," Jiang Cheng agreed, grinning smug and happy and breathtakingly beautiful. Wei Ying leaned across the couch to give him a sweet, closed-mouth kiss—the kind Jiang Cheng had shyly admitted he actually did like, a lot—and smiled too, at how lucky he'd gotten to be with his best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

🖤💜

Today's (extremely long!) thread was inspired by this WONDERFUL art of ace Jiang Cheng and bi & aro Wei Ying! Go give Midori some love on Twitter!

I spent a nonzero amount of time googling to double check when various terms and flags came into vogue, so if you're wondering, WWX & JC were in college in the early 2000s, before the ace and aro flags were designed. By the time they get themselves figured out, they can get their cute wristbands.

...which, yes, means these dingdongs spent about a solid decade living together before realizing that was what they wanted to do forever. 😉

This also means Jiang Yanli and her unnamed wife here are getting married between when California started recognizing same-sex marriages in 2008 and the Obergefell v. Hodges ruling in 2015! THIS SHIT'S RECENT!!!

Happy Pride, thank you for reading, check out more LGBTQIA+ sweetness on my #PrideMonthSnippets Masterpost!

[syuga-s]

As long as we are together, even the endless maze is paradise.

w.c 1.8k

pairing. Changkyun x gn!reader

genre. fluff, still dont know how to classify it but it’s my take on relationships in real life(?)

a/n. mention of svt members <3, this takes place on the universe(?) of the fic i have in progress, got excited and went for this lil scenario, i'll always try to make them as gender-neutral as possible, hope you enjoy (• ε •)

You finally had gotten off work. This shift had been unbelievably chaotic and you couldn’t wait any longer to get home. But of course, it’s raining, today of all days.

Adding the fact that Chloe’s been extremely unpleasant today. You’ve been on bad terms for a while now since she found out about you and Vernon.

You clocked out at the same time and she just wanted to get on your nerves. But you were past being this immature, especially when it came to a guy you haven’t seen since you graduated.

"Just go already, Chloe". 

With that, you went to exit the building and that's when you saw Minghao waiting for a cab –in the rain–.

You tried to get Minghao's attention, so he could get inside with you but you both just ended up at the door frame barely safe from the rain. You hugged even though he was soaking.

You didn’t mind because you haven't seen him in years, and you didn't know you missed the way you felt when you were with him. Strangely so, his hug felt like being 17 again. Can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing.

You made some small talk about the weather and teased him for standing in the rain. “Are you shooting a music video or something?”

He laughed but quickly changed the subject, "I hope you've been good, I haven't seen you in years but you look really happy".

How can he still be this good at reading me? You could only smile to the ground and gave him a side hug. "I've really missed you Hao; hope you’re doing well too". 

Suddenly, his phone started to ring, and you caught a glimpse of the screen before he asked you "Mind if I answer?" Wonwoo was calling him. "Not at all, go ahead!" You told him with a smile.

Not to be nosy but you wanted to hear this conversation. "I've been waiting for you to pick me up for almost an hour dumbass, are you aware that it's fucking RAINING?"

And of course, you couldn't hear the other person on the line, but you knew perfectly he must've been making a hell of an excuse. "Right, yes, I'm still here, no I'm not alone… just hurry I'm freezing". 

Guess it was inevitable that you'll see Wonwoo in a few minutes.

You broke up more than three years ago and haven't seen him since then. You’re more than ready to rip the band-aid. You didn't exactly end on bad terms, but maybe some awkwardness is still laying in there. Actually, you haven't thought about him in a while. You started to wonder how has he been all this time.

"I thought you were waiting for a cab Hao!! I can still give you a ride if you want"

"Aw y/n no, don't worry about it, I'm going out with the guys, so I'll have to take you up on that offer another time"

"Alright then, you have to promise me we'll catch up soon, it’s been too long”.

It was as if the world was telling you to wrap it up because you saw a very familiar car approaching the street, and immediately your phone started ringing too.

You saw that it was almost 9:00 P.M. Changkyun hasn't got here? You signaled Minghao that you were going to answer your phone and got inside the building again.

"Hi my baby!!! I'm sorry for running late the guys got me caught up at work BUT I AM ALREADY ON THE WAY I'LL SEE YOU IN LITERALLY TWO MINUTES"

You could hear how worried your boyfriend was and it was so endearing that you couldn't help but laugh at the way he was screaming in the car.

"It's okay baby I ran into someone here at work too, I got distracted and didn't notice the time, but please DRIVE SAFE IT’S RAINING BUT ALSO hurry upppp” You ended up with a pout as if he could see your expression.

"I'm hurrying I swear!!! —YES — your man has arrived at the destination". “Ok, ‘my man’ needs to come get me please” he made you laugh at his words. “I'm here at the door BYE"

With that, you went outside again, and you couldn't have imagined that you would see all these guys in front of you EVER AGAIN. Nor that they would get out of the car just to say hello to you. But maybe that's your mistake cause they have always been friends, still after everything that happened.

So, there they were, Wonwoo, Jihoon, Chan, Jun, and Minghao. All eyes on you, all of them waiting for the other to talk to you first, but everyone noticed how your eyes immediately went to Wonwoo and you both smiled at each other. Jihoon was happy that you made eye contact with him, even though he noticed there was nothing for him behind your eyes.

You were the first one to talk. 

"Hey there you guys, Hao told me you were going out!" You said while looking at Chan. "Yeah, we're headed to the Lucky 94!!"

"Want to join us?" You heard Jun ask, and before you could say no, your knight in shining armor shouted your name. "BABYYYY!!" Yes, your official name is baby, what about it? 

All of you turned to the left side of the street where Changkyun was power walking to you. It came as a surprise to all of them, no one knew you were in a relationship at the moment, but after all these years they should've known, they knew how private you were about your entire life. 

When Changkyun got by your side he just wrapped his hand in yours and flashed all the guys in front of him one of his prettiest smiles. As if he didn't look threatening as fuck.

Your love for him was only growing by the second. "Guys this is my boyfriend Changkyun, unfortunately, I have to deny your offer tonight because we already have plans, but I hope we see each other again soon!”

"It's okay y/n we can plan something another time, you look really good by the way" Wonwoo finally spoke and Changkyun tightened his grip on you.

"Thank you Wonwoo, have fun tonight. It was nice to see all of you" Having said this, your eyes landed on Jihoon, who was now leaning against the car, ready to get away from there.

Maybe at another point in your life, you would've sensed something negative by seeing him in this circumstance. But all you could find inside you was a trace of the love you had for him when you were a teenager. 

You quickly decided that you wouldn’t give him this space in your head. Neither of you deserved to revisit those feelings that you already went through years ago. 

Especially now when you have this wonderful person by your side, it wasn't a coincidence that he got there at this exact moment. Making you appreciate the little things he does for you that say, “I’m here, and I care so deeply about you”. Your life with Changkyun has intertwined so profoundly that everything comes easy with him.

You all said your goodbyes, and you started walking to the parking lot. You got to your boyfriend’s car, but you didn’t get inside just yet, Changkyun stared at you and your eyes told him everything he needed to know. Your boyfriend swiftly wrapped you up in a much-needed hug.

Since he called you, he knew something was going on, he has gotten good at sensing the way you were feeling. In moments like this, you were happy to know that his heart was as invested in you as you were with him. He softly spoke in your ear “Let’s get inside baby, it’s cold as hell in here”.

He opened your door, and you waited for him to get inside. You searched for his embrace once again, his arms made you feel so at home that you were glad he came to get you tonight, and you had to let him know this. “Today was hard,” You said, still clinging to his arms, not minding the incredibly uncomfortable pose you got yourself into just so you could be hugged by your boyfriend for a few more minutes. “Thanks for picking me up tonight”

“You know that I would come for you every day if you just let me, you stubborn baby” You laughed against his chest and gave him a light punch at this arm. “Hey, hey let’s not get violent in here, I’m sensitive,” He told you while laughing and ended up with a tender kiss to the top of your head. 

You don’t know much, but you do know you love him. When he smiles like this, the world seems to fade away with all your problems, and he’s all you can see. Every time he’s singing in the car on your way home, the outside noise doesn’t even exist anymore. All you want to do is grab his face and kiss him, but that would mean he’d stop singing. And when he looks at you with those beautiful brown eyes, when he places his hand on yours, when he lets you rest your head in his chest, and listen to the beat of his heart, just his mere existence makes you believe that you found this little piece of heaven within him.

The love you were always searching for, you found it with him. No one else had been able to make you feel like you were bursting with love, and you always believed that that needed to happen for you to be in a relationship with someone. You always knew that love isn’t meant to be hard, nor it makes you lose the person that you are. For you, it was about sharing your souls, goals, and perspectives, cause when the time to be together would come, your lives would already be made, and you would just be together supporting each other, still maturing. And that this person would only make you feel safe, happy, and loved. Changkyun was your definition of love.

Your relationship with him made you further confirm this. You thought it would scare you to be vulnerable around him but opening your heart to him was one of the easiest things you’ve ever done. You’re aware you were complete without him. And he knew this. But being by his side, experiencing life with him, made you want to be so much better. You only wanted to support him every step of the way. It made you want to be stronger with him. You wanted both of you to grow together and help each other grow individually. And the fact that he was on the same page with you about this, knowing that you don’t need each other but you really fucking want to be together, makes you think you have a pretty great shot at this. 

You know, undoubtedly, you are in love with this man. And it feels a hundred times better to know he loves you too. 

[sillyrabbit81]

The Pull

Summary: Alternative Universe. Vampire Henry. Henry, Crown Prince of the Vampires is avoiding his responsibilities because of his mother's fate. When Henry finds his mate, the circumstances are eerily similar to his mother's. Rather than risking his mate's life, Henry chooses to run, but can he run from his fate?

Pairing: Henry x OFC

Word Count: approx 2.4k

Warnings: mention of death, mention of abortion (although it didn't happen), and swearing

Masterlist

Part 1 Part 3

Chapter Two

Rowena POV

"David, I can't wear this!" I complained on the phone. I held up the dress again. "It's just too much, too revealing."

It was a simple white silk floor-length skirt, but the top of the dress was two long vertical pieces of silk, barely wide enough to cover my breasts, which crossed at the back before wrapping around my waist and tied in a bow on my lower back. There was no way I could wear a bra. It would only take a slight wrong move, and there would be an embarrassing nipple slip.

"Yes, you can," my brother said. "Lawrence had it made for you to wear as a gift. He wants to meet you and make a good impression." Lawrence was David's partner, they had been together for over a year, but I was yet to met him. Lawrence and David seemed to travel together an awful lot, so it had been challenging to find time for us to get together.

"Have you seen it?" I asked.

"Of course," David replied. I was surprised. David was my older brother and had always been a little protective of me, especially since our parents died when I was 15 and he was 20. Maybe he had finally let that go considering I was now 26.

"You know I'd never wear something like that. It's gorgeous, but it's too revealing for me."

"Rowena, it's Halloween. It's an excuse for excess." I rolled my eyes. For David, being a day that ended in 'y' was an excuse for excess.

"Why does your boyfriend want to see me in this?" It just seemed over the top for a party. I gathered that Lawrence was wealthy, but still, it's just a Halloween party.

"Because he wants you to fit in. Honestly, you'll stick out less wearing that than anything else. Besides, no one knows you there, and you'll have a mask. Just pretend you're someone else."

I grumbled. "What time did Lawrence say the stylist was coming?"

Although I couldn't see him, I could hear David's victorious smile through the phone. "At six pm. The driver will be there at eight."

"That seems late, David," I said. "I won't arrive until nearly nine."

"I know, but that is Lawrence's style."

"Promise you won't leave me alone." I wasn't afraid of being alone at parties usually but by the sounds of this one, the dress and the fact that I was having my hair and makeup done professionally made it feel like a big deal.

"Lawrence and I will take good care of you," David promised.

I said my goodbyes and hung up the phone.

Feeling only a little more confident after the phone call, I jumped in the shower, washed my hair, and shaved my legs for the first time in weeks. I put on a robe and slippers and went up to the main house to see Charlie since I had half an hour to kill before the stylist arrived.

Charlie was staying there tonight with Alice while I went out. He had his own room and often slept there now that he was getting older and wanted space from me. Charlie and I mostly ate our meals up at the house and just kept basics in our two-bedroom flat above the old stables.

Charlie and Alice were sitting together at the dining table, playing with a random assortment of lego pieces. "Hey, Mum. I made this for you." Charlie handed me a flower made from the blocks. He was such a sweetheart of a boy.

"Awww, thanks, Babybear. I love it." I kissed the top of his head and sat with them.

"I thought you had to get ready for tonight," Alice asked.

"I have an hour," I replied.

"You're still going, aren't you?" Alice asked. She seemed more eager for me to go than I was. Alice was Charlie's paternal grandmother. Charlie's dad, Alex, had been my boyfriend when I was 17. Despite being on the pill, I fell pregnant, and Alex tried to pressure me into an abortion and refused to be a part of his life. Alice had been horrified by the way Alex had treated me. In an unexpected turn of events, she had stepped in to help raise Charlie. Charlie rarely saw Alex, but Alice saw that we both wanted nothing. The woman was a saint.

"Yeah," I said reluctantly.

"It'll be good for you," Alice said, squeezing my hand.

"I know." I sighed.

"Charlie, go get Nanny a glass of water, please. My throat is feeling dry," Alice said. She had something to say to me outside of Charlie's ears. Being a kind and helpful kid, Charlie immediately got up and went to get her one. He made me so proud.

As soon as he left the room, Alice said, "Rowena, don't feel guilty getting out there again."

"How can you say that?" I asked. I had tried dating a few times over the years. It always ended disastrously. Always my fault too. I had developed severe commitment issues.

"Charlie is my grandson, and I want his mother to be happy. Not lonely and depressed. It would be best if you had a life beyond Charlie. I've been telling you that for years."

Charlie came back with a book, and Alice read to him. As mothers often are, I was struck by how handsome my little boy was. His blonde sun-bleached hair and deep brown eyes were framed by a face that had lost nearly all of its childhood fat. At nine years old, he was almost as tall as me already, and he would probably take after his father in that regard. In fact, his eyes were the only thing that came from my side of the family as they were the same colour as David's and my Dad's. Charlie looked so much like his father, sometimes it hurts to look at him.

Kissing him again, on the cheek this time, I said goodbye to Charlie, told him to be a good boy for Nanny and went back to our flat above the garage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I arrived at Lawrence's house not long after the sun had set. House was probably too humble a word to describe it. It was a borderline castle. I had thought Alice's family was wealthy, but this was another level. It was like something out of the Great Gatsby.

The car drove around the circular driveway and pulled up near the front door. A valet opened the car door, and he escorted me into the house, where he told my name to a butler who asked me to follow him.

Looking around the room, I was grateful to David for insisting I wear the dress. Everybody was dressed like it was a Hollywood awards show, and I mean everybody. Not to mention they all looked like actors or models. I had never in my life been around so many beautiful people. And I don't mean just beautiful because they were thin. There were people of all shapes and sizes, but everyone moved with grace and ethereal ease. They seemed so other.

This was crazy. Who the hell was my brother mixed up with? This whole night must have cost a fortune. Beyond a fortune! All for a Halloween party?

I was led from room to room, the house full of beautiful creatures. More than that, the house was decorated in a way that would put Versailles to shame. The decadence of the furnishings was lush and rich. Every piece seemed to be a precious antique but shone like it was brand new. Gold leaf decorated the cornices, and priceless framed artworks, tapestries and mirrors filled every wall. Even the wooden floor was an intricate parquetry design that appears to have taken years to lay.

At first, I thought I imagined it, but I noticed that everybody stared at me as I moved through each room. I felt heat rush to my cheeks. Did I look so different from everyone else? I supposed I did, but the eyes following me made me thankful for the mask.

After what seemed like hours but couldn't have been, I was taken to a large hall and presented. Yes, presented. What the fuck?

My escort stopped outside the room and spoke to a man standing just inside the door. The man rapped his cane on the floor three times and thundered, "Rowena, sister of David, Inamorato of Duke Lawrence." An eerie silence fell as every face turned to me. Some even bowed their heads. What on earth was going on?

"Rowena!" David was at my side, clutching my hands to his chest. "I've missed you so." He leaned over and kissed both my cheeks. Everybody in the room seemed to return to normal, and sounds of chatter resumed. David was wearing a mask and wore an elegant dark grey suit. He looked so different. David has always been handsome, but he looked so unlike his usual self, and I couldn't pinpoint the difference. I didn't even have the words to describe the change. I know it had been months since we had seen each other, but it wasn't that he had lost weight or gained muscle. What I could see of his face was inconsistent with my memories of him. Then I saw his eyes.

"David, what the..." David cut me off and embraced me. His smell was mouth-watering, and I wondered what cologne he was wearing. He had never smelt like that before.

"Come, meet Lawrence!" David exclaimed, gripping my hand tightly. Maybe he had put on muscle because he was stronger than I remembered.

David lead me further into the room. I followed, but my head was spinning. Why did everything look so beautiful but feel so... unreal?

"Lawrence, my love, this is Rowena," David said.

The man who sat before me took my breath away. I had no word to describe him other than impressive. He wasn't tall or large, but he seemed to take up all the space in the room as if by looking at him, your eyes couldn't see anything else. His skin was like a midnight sky lit up by the moon, which seemed to reflect the light as it was so smooth, flawless and radiant. His hair bounced with large curls, and although it was dark too, it seemed to shine with its own light.

As Lawrence stood, his movements were so polished they almost had a serpentine grace. His white lace mask framed his eyes, black with a red rim around the pupil, just like David's. Lawrence came towards me, and I was captivated, struck immobile by the force of his presence. Then all of a sudden, the fear left me as though it was never there. I sucked in air, not realising I hadn't taken a breath since I laid eyes on him.

Lawrence grasped my hands to his chest, just like my brother had. "Oh David, she is lovely, isn't she?" He lifted my hands to his lips and kissed both of them before lifting my arms wide and inspecting me. "She does look luscious in this dress. I do have excellent taste, do I not?"

I looked to David, who was beaming proudly like he had passed a test by bringing me here and meeting Lawrence's approval. Stunned, I looked again at David's smile. Something was wrong with it.

Lawrence was still talking, "You were right that she would be a hard one to crack. She seems to see many things others don't. Including you, by the way." David laughed at Lawrence's observation.

I tried to speak, to ask again what was going on, but nothing came out. I kept trying to breathe but I felt suffocated. The more I tried, the less air seemed to come in.

David grabbed my shoulders and caught my gaze. His voice was solid and musical, and the force of his words almost made me fall. "Rowena, it's alright. You can breathe." And all at once, I could.

"This dress is too tight." I managed to say.

"Nonsense," Lawrence said dismissively, "it's perfect. He is going to love it."

"He?" I questioned.

Lawrence sighed and glanced at David. They looked at each other for a few moments, then David took me by the arm and led me to a cluster of sofas. "Come, sister, sit with me and let's catch up."

Even the way he spoke seemed to change. It can't have been that long since I'd seen him. I thought back and realised I hadn't seen him in about two years. We occasionally spoke on the phone, but years had passed since I had physically seen him.

Lawrence left us mingled around the room, which I saw now was a ballroom. Some people danced, some drank wine, and others socialised. Something was wrong with all of it, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

David started to talk to me, asked me about little Charlie. I went to get my phone to show him some pictures and realised I must have left my bag in the limo. Before I could tell David that, he said, "never mind, the driver works for Lawrence. He has it. You can get it before you leave."

How did he know where I had left my phone? This was too much. "David, what's going on? There's something wrong here. This place is... off."

I suddenly felt bewildered, like I couldn't concentrate on anything. I felt a curious pull towards the back of the hall. I stood and looked back and started to walk towards the doors. It was like I was trapped in a gravitational pull towards... something. Without warning, a spontaneous feeling of arousal hit me, and my body was on fire. I let out an audible moan. I felt a desperate call come from between my legs to ease the rapidly growing craving. And not just by anyone, by Him. Wait, who was Him?

David held my arm and tried to lead me back, but I wouldn't allow it. I struggled for him to let me go. David was about to say something when another announcement was made, "The Crown Prince, Henry, Son of Alfred, King of all Sanguisuge."

I looked first to David to question what on earth that meant when I caught sight of the Prince.

It's Him.

I felt like I was falling, plummeting to the ground. The floor rushed to meet me, and my vision went dark.

Masterlist

Part 1 Part 3

@henryobsessed

[covermeinclouds]

how i spent my 24th birthday!! in bullets

not only was it my birthday, but it was also kuya jp's (tiger's older brother) and basti's (tiger's nephew). kuya jp's at may 15 and basti's at may 12. so we all celebrated it together on may 16th!

we had SO MUCH FOOD. so much food that i invited cath over a day earlier than the planned visit because of the amount of food we had for the day.

cath gave me her gift na din. tan (her boyfriend) gave me a sober kids (his clothing brand) tote bag and cath gave me yogurt drinks and poptarts!!!

i requested for baked chicken with gravy and potato salad cause ate gi (tiger's sister) makes the best of the dish! yes, nagrequest ako HAHAHA

(the first gif) was my cake. banana dream from conti's. i was supposed to get a banoffee pie from banapple but settled for banana dream because yan yung natanggap sa grab HAHAHA no regrets! banana will forever be my favorite flavor of anything

it wasn't the only cake we had at home. we had a mango magnifico(?) cake from cara mia, basti's cake, and a black velvet cake from conti's, kuya jp's cake.

(second gif) WE ALSO HAD BUTTERED SHRIMP, MAKI, AND WAGYU. HOLY FUCKKKKK I LOVE EATING SO MUCH

NEEDLESS TO SAY BUT WE WERE ALL STUFFED BY THE END OF THE DAY

the rest of the evening was spent wide awake waiting for midnight to strike to actually celebrate my birthday.

bianca (my cousin) sent me smores brownies. THEY WERE BAKED ON REQUEST. bianca had a phase in college ata or high school na sobrang hilig niya magbake. and she made me smores brownies and i've been in love ever since and every time she asks me what food i want it's always that HAHAHAHHA

I SWEAR THEY ARE GODSENT

janara (owner of bubblegumph on ig) sent me a gift too but i didn't open it until midnight!

(third gif) janara's gift!! she gave me a cardigan. a colorblock cardigan, green shorts, and a green halter top!! super fucking cute. i truly trust her taste with clothes. walang kupas. ang ganda ng lahat ng binigay niya!!! ANO BA

tiger gave me an ADER ERROR KNITTED SWEATER!! A PURPLE ADER ERROR SWETAER! we talked about it once siguro and i didn't think he'd get it for me WHAT THE FUCK

he also got me a tiny tripod kasi nagpipicture ako sa fire escape namin and hirap ako sa tripod HAHAHAHAH

(special mention: ate gi gave me her gift 2 days earlier. she gave me a watch and rainbow laces that i immediately used sa boots ko! puta ang ganda. she knows me well :( )

before falling asleep, we watched harry potter & the sorcerer's stone. it was cath's first time! and i love that she loved it :(

balak ko talaga sa mismong birthday ko is to go to megamall to order panda express and yan na kakainin namin lahat sa bahay for the day. which i did!

kasama ko si tiger and si cath papunta sa megamall since pauwi din naman si cath sa marikina.

AND NAGKITA KAMI NI MIKA DON! i told her last week na pupunta ako don sa may 17 and she said she was going the next day daw bakit andaya tapos hanggang last minute change of plans she decided to meet up with me today

edi excited ako kasi bibigay ko na din gift ko sa kanya (i got her a taylor swift folklore notebook and a pride & prejudice book)

the 4 of us ate at pepperlunch (my favorite fucking place in the world) and caught up

i kept asking for assurance na okay na gumastos ako ngayon kasi birthday ko naman. nagguilty kasi ako ngayon pag gumagastos ako para sa sarili ko. i kept asking for assurance kung deserve ko ba. EH WHO THE FUCK GIVES A SHIT BIRTHDAY KO NAMAN AH HAHAHHA

(the last gif) SOBRANG MEANT TO BE GRABE. i remember seeing this pink floyd hoodie at cotton on at town (atc) and it was in a size s or xs and i usually get M or L when it comes to hoodies so i couldn't buy it at the time. also because i didn't have money to spend non. that was at around january or february i think? and kasama ko si tiger non and i said out loud "pag nakita ko to ulit, bibilhin ko na" AND HINDI KO SIYA NAKITA ULIT AS IN UNTIL TODAY WHAT THE FUCK

my dad is fucking giving me signs i swear to god

for context: my dad's all time favorite band is pink floyd. so every time i see pink floyd merch, even when he was still with me, i'd buy them instantly because he told me that whenever i see any good pink floyd merch i should get it kasi sayang daw minsan lang HAHAHA kaya ayon

anyway i bought it. it is lovely. and i realized how i truly do buy band merch like this and really do keep them because they're the ones i never get sick of

also got myself a grateful dead shirt

anyway i bought a shit load of panda express and went home and we ate it all at home

AND IT DIDN'T END THERE

MARGA SENT ME COOKIES. BIGLAAN NGA EH. TAPOS SOBRANG LABO KASI YUNG TAG "from marga" AMPUTA DI NAMAN GANON TAWAGAN NAMIN HAHAHAHA KAYA NALITO AKO until i saw the back of the tag sabi "mama marga" edi kilala ko na kung sino

ALEX (rivera) ALSO SENT ME COOKIES THAT SHE BAKED

PUTANGINA ANDAMI KO NANG SWEETS NANAMAN

also bea (valera) sent me mcnuggets money what the fuck sobrang gulat ako kasi bigla nalang may nagsend sakin ng pera sa gcash???? sabi ko HUH wala naman nakalagay na number kasi straight from a 711 kiosk yon tapos i saw her message siya pala nagsend

i miss her so much what the fuck

ALSO, AT 2AM OF MAY 17 mika sent me a long message which i wait for every year. nascreenshot ko nanaman to keep

i love my friends and my newfound family (the espiritus. tiger's family) there is just so much love and comfort and im so happy

my fucking mental stability allowed me a day off from feeling anything other than happiness

today was just so good for me that i forgot about my anxiety and the things that get me sad on mundane days

i love the people i am surrounded with. there is genuine love and comfort and i just feel so fucking cozy

[kookznoona]

I posted 14 times in 2021

11 posts created (79%)

3 posts reblogged (21%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.3 posts.

I added 58 tags in 2021

#jungkook - 9 posts

#jungkook bts - 8 posts

#jeon jungkook - 6 posts

#kookznoona - 6 posts

#jungkook scenarios - 6 posts

#jeon jungguk - 6 posts

#jungkookie - 5 posts

#jeon jungkook fluff - 5 posts

#jeon jungkook smut - 4 posts

#jjk smut - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 19 characters

#jeon jungkook fluff

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

OCD|| Jeon Jungkook FLUFF

Genre: Boyfriend!JK Suggestive FLUFF

Summary: A day in the life of Jungkook with his OCD Girlfriend

Word Count : 800 words

A/N: Guys, the pandemic doesn't exist in this particular scenario, Thanks!

******************************************************************

Jungkook and you had just started dating and he starts noticing how you keep yourself organised and everything neatly arranged, he thought nothing of it until...

You and Jungkook Planned to have Lunch at a Restaurant nearby

"Babe, do you always hold the door knobs with a tissue everytime you open it?" He asks

"Umm yea... You never know what germs sit on those knobs"

"Germs?" He asks Surprised he says raising his eyebrows

"Yeaa, ofc"

"You know that Germs are practically everywhere right"

"Don't Gross me Out!"

"I mean, Like Mushroom is Fungi"

"Do I have to Repeat Myself?"

"Fine..." he rolls his Eyes

You grab the Menu Card and Tell him what you want to order and place it back on the table

He noticed that you applied Sanitizer after touching the menu card

"Babe, look at me" Jungkook says

"Are you uncomfortable with this place?" He asks concerned

"No honey, I find this Place really Pleasant! It radiates such good vibes! Why did you ask so hun?"

"No it's just that, well, I just thought, gawd, um-"

"What happened all of a sudden?"

"Nothing, um, it's just that you held the Door with tissue and now you Sanitised your hands, I am just Confused, why you did that, like generally, people don't use it so often"

"Um... I told you earlier" you nervously say

"Wait- that Germ thing, one sec, you meant that? Hang on- are you a germophobe?"

"Yep"

"No further Questions!"

"Wait, did you feel uncomfortable by any chance?" You ask

See the full post

17 notes • Posted 2021-11-09 08:32:33 GMT

#4

Capo Dei Capi || Oneshot || Jeon Jungkook SMUT

Pairing: Switch! Jungkook x Reader

Rating: 18+, Smut, Swearing

Warnings: SMUT, Mature Language and Mature Content (I tried to make this as trigger-free as possible)

Genre: Bunny Hybrid! Jungkook Mafia AU! Switch!Jungkook

Description: Use of toys, edging, degradation kink, switch!kink, noona!kink, daddy!kink

Word Count: 900

Summary: It's been 2 years since you fell for your bully... Being a hybrid wasn't easy for him and when you started treating him well, he promised to protect you forever. At first you couldn't stand him, now you want him by your side all the time... You've now started to be a part of his Mafia Gang, doing a few assignments for him, helping him with Hitman duty

****************************************************

You find your Friend Jackson at the Party and he just can't stop ogling Jungkook

"Hey! Y/N"

"Hi Jacky!"

"Gurl, you've got a gorgeous creature!"

"Ey! He's mine, get that?"

"Possessive eh? Didn't You Learn Sharing is Caring?"

You shoot a death glare at him

"Alright, alright! I was just kidding!"

"It was so funny I forgot to laugh"

"My oh my, I've never seen you angrier, bet he rims you good, and get you screaming for him"

"Jackson! That's enough! Don't Ruin My Face! I can feel all the blood rushing into my cheeks thinking of him"

"I bet you're feeling blood rushing south too..."

"Jack! Stop for the Love of Gawd"

"Fine, whatever... Anyways, your daddy is coming closer, before I can't stop myself, lemme go, Goodbye Y/N-ie" He says pecking your cheek

"Bye Jack-Jack"

Jungkook watches you the entire time, Over possessiveness flooding his senses due to his heat nearing... Feelings of Jealousy engulfing him

"Hi Kookie"

"Shut Up Slut"

Such crude words made you squirm and mewl

He pulls your hand and drags you to the car and starts driving fast

"Now, What The Fuck were y'all doing huh? Do I Look like I'm Stupid enough to Not to Notice what that Man was doing? And He Fucking Kissed you? And You Fucking Smiled Back at Him? What The Fu-"

See the full post

26 notes • Posted 2021-12-21 08:38:12 GMT

#3

When He Thinks You're A Sasaeng But You're The Daughter Of HYBE's CEO||Jeon Jungkook FLUFF||Part 1

Genre: Idol!JK, CEO's Daughter AU

Word Count: 1 K

Description: Tooth-rottening FLUFF with Y/N's Overprotective CEO Father and bratty Jungkook

Summary: You've always had a mild crush on Jungkook, even though you've never had any conversations, you've always spotted him helping the staff all the time.

****************************************************

Lately, all you can think of is having a friendly conversation with him, obviously not in the sight of fans, probably like the way you always visit in your dreams, where there is no one that can stop you from meeting him

"Y/N!" Your father calls and Breaks your Bubble

"Yes dad?"

"Could you please collect the sample posters from the top floor and Grab some coffee for me?"

"Posters of Jeon Jungkook, who wouldn't want that?" You think to yourself biting your lip

"Dad I'm a bit busy, could I get that in like 7 mins?" You say pretending that you're disinterested in seeing the posters

"Yeah, sure" he says

You Spend the next 7 mins giggling and Blushing uncontrollably, fangirling and thinking what the concept posters will be like this time

You leave the room to collect the posters and coffee

You grab the posters and start looking at them, smiling to yourself

You then place them back into your folder and start heading to a café near by

And you spot him!!! You've spotted Jeon Jungkook in a Public Café hiding in Plain Sight!!!

"Hi, It's Nice Meeting You, I truly admire your work, I'm Y/N" You say to him

"Nice to meet You too Y/N... I like your eyes..." He says Grabbing the sheet from your hand and signing an Autograph

He passes the signed sheet and starts walking away...

Confused, you try having a conversation with him

"I-"

"I'm sorry but I gotta go, It felt nice to know My Voice Touched you... take care" he interrupts you and leaves

Confused, you think to yourself "He's quite an eccentric man"

****************************************************

"Y/N, Just Text Jungkook from my phone to update the rest of the members regarding the revised photoshoot timings and tell him that it's not possible to get it done today..." Your father says

"Dad... I'm painting my nails right now..." You say

"I've put eye drops in my eyes, it's urgent baby... Please?" He says

"Okay dada... Just gimme a sec..."

See the full post

39 notes • Posted 2021-12-09 16:53:07 GMT

#2

Vamp By The Beach||Oneshot||Jeon Jungkook SMUT

Pairing: Dom! Jungkook x Sub! Reader

Rating: 18+, Smut, Swearing

Warnings: SMUT, Mature Language and Mature Content

Genre: Vampire!Jungkook Dom!Jungkook Sub!Reader

Description: Y/N is on her Period, JK is a Vampire, has a Daddy Kink

Word Count: 700

Summary: Y/N is oblivious to herself being on her Period at the beach. Vampire Jungkook knows that a fact proven by research is in favour of him.

Hope You Enjoy It!!

******************************************************************

Beaches are the best summer time spot for you and Jungkook.

And ofcourse, you get the right to ogle him 24/7 and Beaches are no exception. Jungkook loves to admire you in bikinis, he just can't take his eyes off you. Your outfit also makes him 10x more protective and you find it nothing but cute.

You feel the gentle sea breeze hit your face while the sun dances over your skin, while the sea kisses your ankles and moves away from the shore, you smile to yourself, devouring your favourite popsicle and watching your friends play with the frisbee

and… strike! Your lower back gets a stab

Making you wince in pain and squirm with discomfort

"Babe you okay?" Jungkook asks from a distance

"I've got a terrible pain in my lower back" you say slowly walking towards him...

And that's when your scent hits his nostrils,

Eyes turning scarlet red and his fangs grow out

"Guys, Y/N isn't feeling very well, we've got to head to the beach hotel room, y'all continue with the dinner and party" Jungkook says to all of your friends

"You Take Care of Y/N Guk-ah" Taehyung says

"Call me if you need any last minute help with the medicines" Jisoo says

******************************************************************

"Sweetie, you want a massage?" He asks

"Please" you say lying down on the bed

Jungkook starts giving you a massage and you can't hold back your moans, his dick twitches

Suddenly, Jungkook sees a huge stain of blood on your panties and smirks.

Jungkook smirks and whispers underneath his breath,

"We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight, babygirl"

Jungkook rubs his finger on your clit and you moan aloud

See the full post

61 notes • Posted 2021-11-23 15:04:51 GMT

#1

Good For Me||Oneshot|| Jeon Jungkook SMUT

Pairing: Dom! Jungkook x Sub! Reader

Rating: 18+, Smut, Swearing

Warnings: SMUT, Mature Language and Mature Content

Genre: Boyfriend!Jungkook Dom!Jungkook Sub!Reader

Description: A lil' Spanking, Edging and Squirting, JK has a Daddy Kink, Y/N has a Degradation Kink

Word Count: 4.4 K

Summary: So you're missing your Boyfriend again, this time it's more than your mind, it's your Body.

Hope You Enjoy It!!

******************************************************************

"Hello?" You Speak on the phone, sleepily as you get out of bed.

"Hi Jagi, did you sleep well?". Jungkook asks from the other Line.

"Yes I did, Um.... Did you have your brekkie?" You ask him.

"Yes, Beautiful", He replies.

This makes you skip a heartbeat and giggle.

"My Little Baby still startles when I give her a compliment huh?". He says cockily.

"Oppa...."

"Yes Honey?"

"Oppa, miss you so bad, can you please come Home already?" You ask and violently Blush.

"Yes Babygirl, um... Actually I can't...." He says.

See the full post

139 notes • Posted 2021-11-01 12:06:27 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[letitrainathousandflames]

ILL INDULGE!! Alpha-17 + escaped from Empire + being comforted from a nightmare?? I've got more once I finish some mother's day things!!

THANK YOU! Here goes:

-

Rating: Teens and Up

Tags: PTSD, Nightmares, Crying, Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Reader/Clone

-

Ever since the two of you had moved in together, Alpha-17 had been sleeping on your couch rather than your bed, despite your insistence for him to join you in the bedroom.

Don’t get it wrong, he would give you everything you could want and more as the loving boyfriend he was, and this was literally the only thing that bothered you about him.

(“I’m a noisy sleeper,” he would say every time, “I’ll end up keeping you up. Can’t do that to my cyare, now can I?”)

The two of you have been living together since... well, since he had to escape the Empire and you had met him, working as a bounty hunter so he wouldn’t starve and maybe be able to eventually pay for a one-way trip to the outer rim, as far from the capital as possible.

When he asked where he could find shelter for the night for fifty credits at the bar you were working, you looked at this man, his unshaven face and exhausted eyes and told him that not even the cheapest places would take such small pay... but he was free to crash at your couch for the night.

And so he did. Thank the stars, he accepted your offer to crash at your place whenever he needed or his job took him close to your planet again, and every time the two of you met - including the one occasion you had to help him fix some nasty work-related wounds - you grew closer. One night after a few sips of Corellian wine you ended up sharing a long, tender kiss and before you knew it, you were straddling him, grinding on his codpiece and-

Well, let’s just say that your friendship to the clone had some extra benefits after that.

The steamy nights of mindless sex led to long conversations afterwards, and lazy mornings with breakfast in bed, the whole process so organic you took a while to realize that you two were no longer two strangers sharing the same space and occasionally fucking each other senseless: you were dating.

-

Which brought you back to now.

“I’m your girlfriend, Alpha.” You cross your arms, rubbing at them with hurt clear in your voice “I wanna sleep together. Please, I swear I won’t mind some snoring.”

Alpha looks away from you, fixing up a pillow on the couch and the blue blanket you would always lend him for the night. His entire demeanor is awkward, his jaw set and his throat bobbing as he swallows down, gritting his teeth.

“It’s-” he hesitates to then lightly punch the pillow in place “it’s not snoring, I just- I like having my space.”

“Alpha...”

“Just let it go.” Alpha’s tone is harsh but it softens quickly “Please.”

You huff, shaking your head and turning your back on him to enter your bedroom. You can’t help feeling rejected and upset, huffing a breath.

“Fine. Goodnight.”

“Goodni-”

You click the door shut before he can finish, undressing and angrily throwing your clothes to the floor before shoving your head into your long sleeping shirt and climbing into your bed.

You just wanted to have him near you. It was cute having him out of your room before you two admitted to each other and yourselves that you were actually dating, but now it feels just stupid. You would understand him not staying if he had to leave for some early mission, but having him at your place for the night, sleeping on your couch when your room is about five steps from there is ridiculous.

You wanna snuggle to him just like you do after sex - although even then, he sneaks out of the room as soon as you are asleep. You wanna wake up looking at his handsome face and his beautiful brown eyes.

You shove your feet under the covers and press the remote on your nightstand, turning the lights off. The room becomes dark, and you are still thinking of what could possibly be the reason for Alpha not wanting to sleep with you when you hear two soft knocks on your bedroom door.

You sit up, turning your small nightlight on and piping out:

“Yes?...”

There is a long stretch of silence before alpha’s voice comes through, small and sheepish:

“It’s me. I...” he cracks the door open, and the dimmed light of the living room spills through the opening, “...can I still sleep with you?”

You straighten yourself up, all your anger vanishing in an instant while you toss the covers to the side, nodding repeatedly:

“Yes! Yes, you can! Please... come in.”

Alpha walks in, dragging his feet on the floor, his chin dipped down and his gaze low. He is carrying his pillow under his arm and wearing only his black sleeping pants.

“Hey there, handsome.” you say affectionately as he shuffles to your bed, placing his pillow next to yours

“Hey.” Alpha climbs on the bed, shimmying close to you and snaking his arm over your middle, nuzzling at the crook of your neck; he feels incredibly warm, making you melt at his touch “Moons, you smell so good.”

You giggle, throwing the covers over you both and snuggling up to his muscular chest as he lies half-sitting on your bed, your palm resting over his stomach. He’s one to say it, his warm body smelling of your soap and something distinctively… his. A scent that makes you feel safe and at home.

“So do you.” You press a kiss to his face, fixing your pillow so that you can lift your upper body as well, letting his arm drape over your shoulders as you sit up, pressing yourself to his side “What made you change your mind?”

Alpha stays quiet, his chest moving slowly with his breath. The more your eyes get used to the darkness, the better you can see him even with only the dim nightlight on. He brings a hand to your face, cupping your cheek.

“I love you. I don’t want you to think I don’t.”

You wince at the restlessness in his gaze, shaking your head:

“Alpha, I never said-”

“But” Alpha interrupts you, and you can distinctly notice the tension tinging his voice, taking over his features “I need you to know that this isn’t about me snoring, or moving around too much, it’s just that...”

There is a pause where he clicks his tongue and he turns his face away even though you can barely see it in the poorly-lit room.

“...I have nightmares. And sometimes I-” he pulls his arm back from over your shoulders, swallowing down as his breath hitches “sometimes I wake up in a frenzy, kicking and screaming. It’s not pretty. I don’t want you to see it. It’s why... it’s why I’ve been hiding away from you.”

Your mouth drops open, eyes going wide in shock. Of everything, you did not expect this to be the reason why he wouldn’t sleep with you. All this time, you had thought he just didn’t want to get attached to you, and…

You bring a hand to his face, cupping his jaw and watching as he reluctantly draws his gaze back to you, low and timid.

“What kind of nightmares?” you ask, trying to understand more and immediately regretting it as he purses his lips tightly, swallowing down in clear discomfort “Sorry. You don’t have to tell me.”

Alpha places his hand over yours – his fingers calloused from years of combat and firing blasters. His tone is hushed, a low murmur that matches his sheepish expression.

“I just… don’t wanna scare you if it happens.”

“Oh, love…” you lean closer to him, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth to then lay your head on his shoulder, looking up to him “You won’t scare me, I promise. I’ll be here for you, and we’ll get through this together, okay?”

Alpha’s hands met your back, wrapping you in a tight hug. He exhales heavily with a hum, muscles losing tension as the air leaves him. One of his hands move up to your nape, fingers caressing your scalp.

“Stars, I can’t imagine what I’ve done to deserve someone like you.”

-

Alpha ends up spooning you, one leg draped over your waist and his arm clutching you flush to his body. You are surrounded by warmth, hearing the gentle sound of his breathing. This feels so… intimate, more so than the many nights of steamy sex you two had shared. Sleep weights your eyelids down, and your mouth parts open, every inch of you loosening into relaxation. The thoughts swirling in your mind lose form, dissolving into nothing, and you sink into sleep with a content hum.

You don’t know how much time has passed. You don’t know what time it is. All you know is that its definitely still night as you are jolted awake by a blood-curdling scream.

Panicking, you sit up in bed to another scream in a voice you know too well. Alpha. Alpha is screaming right next to you, and you scramble for the nightlight switch, turning it on and whipping your head back to look at the man lying next to you.

Alpha seems to have tossed the covers, lying on his side with his back facing you. His whole body is curled tightly in a ball, biceps jutting up as his hands clutch at his head, his fingers buried in the dark hair as they grip and tug at it. There is a sheen of sweat glistening over his skin, and his face is all red.

One of his legs give a sharp kick towards the end of the bed, and the other does the same, as if he’s fighting an invisible enemy. He screams again, loud and full of agony as if he is being stabbed.

“Al-” his next scream ends in a sob, and as he rolls over to lie on his back, you see his eyes wide open, tears running rivers over the bridge of his nose and down the curve of his cheek “Alpha, love, what’s wrong?!”

Alpha squeezes his eyes shut, his sobs making his whole body shake and his chest shudder as his head lolls side to side over the mattress. He covers his face with his hand, whimpering and crying nonstop, his words muffled by his palms and distorted by his hitching breaths.

You can manage “m’sorry, so sorry-”, “-all dead-”, “-forced me to-” as you sit on your haunches, placing a hand on his chest that is damp with cold sweat. Your free hand goes to pet his hair with light, soothing strokes.

“Love? You had a nightmare. Can you hear me? Y-you’re safe.”

Alpha’s breathing is ragged, and he drags his hands down his face; you can see his eyes, wild and lost, eyelashes wet with tears that spill down his face. His voice comes from between his fingers, small and terrified.

“-said we were betrayed, we had to follow orders, I never wanted to-”

You gently push his hands to the side, cupping his face instead and looking deep in the brown eyes that dart back and forth. As scared as you are, you manage to speak in a firm, mostly collected tone.

“Alpha, you’re safe. You’re with me. I got you. Hm? I got you.”

Alpha looks up to you, his teeth chattering and lower lip trembling. His entire face is wound in utter despair.

“…it was all my fault.” he breathes it out as if it’s a single word strung together, sucking in a harsh breath “their blood’s on my hands” more tears spill from his eyes as he squints in pain “I can still hear their screams…!”

You have questions, hundreds of them, but you know better than asking them now. Instead, you cup Alpha’s face more firmly, leaning closer so that he has no choice but to look at you and hopefully be brought back into reality.

“It wasn’t your fault. You did your best. It wasn’t your fault.”

“No, I didn’t, I should’ve been faster, I should-”

“Shh…” you press your forehead to Alpha’s “Breathe. Just breathe, Alpha.”

“They needed me, and I-”

“I know.” you say reassuringly “I know. Breathe.”

You don’t know. Not really. You had noticed the hint of blue lines that tinged his armor under the noticeably fresh coat of dark silver the day you two first met. The way it resembled a mandalorian’s, but the helmet was unmistakably a clone trooper’s, and the black shirt he wore under it actually had the republic’s crest on it.

It wasn’t that difficult to do the math and realize he was probably a clone trooper of the fallen Republic, which makes him a deserter and a traitor to the Empire.

Alpha is slowly becoming less frantic and agitated, his screaming ceasing and turning into a long wail that ends in more desperate sobs, his teeth grinding and his hands trembling over his chest.

“I never asked for any of that- I never-”

“Shh… I know…” you lean down over Alpha, covering his upper body with yours like a blanket, feeling the way his chest heaves for air over and over as you keep your forehead pressed to his “You’re safe now. It’s over.”

The two of you stay like this for a long time, and after what feels like an eternity, Alpha’s breathing starts slowing down, his back no longer tensed up in an attempt to arch off the bed sinking back down on your bed. He is still shivering, beads of sweat glistening on his face.

And then his hands reach up to the small of your back, hugging you tight enough to almost push all air out of your lungs. He shifts his head to the side, pressing his cheek to yours and sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbles quietly “I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this… I must’ve scared you to death…”

“No, no.” you whisper just as quietly “I’m glad I was here to help you through it.”

Alpha sighs again, hums to then gently roll the two of you on the side, keeping you close still. He looks exhausted, but at least he doesn’t seem to be panicking anymore. His eyes are weary, puffy and red, and his face is flushed, hair messily plastered to his forehead. Th sight of him makes your heart clench painfully in your chest.

“Do you always have those?” you ask in a hushed tone, tracing his jaw with your finger “Every night?”

Alpha purses his lips, swallowing down.

“Not every night, no. But with more… frequency than I’d like.”

“Do you wanna talk about-”

“No.” he cuts you off sharply to then soften his tone “Not now. M’sorry, I still need… time, I guess.”

“Hey, don’t apologize.” you brush his hair off his forehead, running your fingers through his hair “Is there anything I can do for you? Hmm? To help you with this?”

Alpha seems pensive for a moment, and he looks up, indicating your hand caressing his head.

“This is a good start.” he pulls you even closer, pressing you flush to his body “This, too.”

You chuckle, stifling a sob. Alpha’s relaxed expression shifts into a distressed one as he notices the tears in your eyes.

“Oh, no, no, don’t cry, cyare.” He kisses your cheek, reaching for your nape “What’s the matter?”

You sniffle, shaking your head.

“Nothing, nothing, I just…” you snuggle against the crook of his neck “Just wanna make you happy, Alpha.”

Alpha presses a kiss to the top of your head, his whole body loosening up with a long exhale of his.

“You already do. More than I ever thought I could deserve to be.”

[yourkdramaanalyst]

A REVIEW OF MY FAVORITE NETFLIX ORIGINAL KOREAN DRAMA: HOSPITAL PLAYLIST

https://t.co/fkqOasA6Tk

Hello, K-Drama fans! I stepped out of Tumblr for more or less than a month. It's a good thing that I didn't forget I have a blog here. Lol. I've been busy so I wasn't able to cross out most of the dramas on my list. But the drama I am about to review right now is actually a series that I already crossed out of my list twice! So what made me watch Hospital Playlist for the second time?

• Introduction to the Drama

Short Gist:

It's about five friends who used to be school mates in medical school, who are now working at the same hospital.

Director Shin Won Ho and screen writer Lee Woo Jung previously worked on the famous Reply series (which are a work of art!)

The five main characters are (from left to right) Jo Jung Seok, Jeon Mi Do, Jung Kyoung Ho, Yoo Yeon Seok, and Kim Dae Myung . Quite an interesting line-up, huh?

Yoo Yeon Seok also appeared in many dramas and movies. He's in this industry for 17 years now (if my calculations are correct). He was in dramas Dr. Romantic, Gu Family Book, Reply 1994, etc. Yeon Seok has starred in many medical dramas already.

Jo Jung Seok, an award winning actor, has starred in many dramas and movies. He appeared in dramas The King 2hearts, Oh My Ghost, Jealousy Incarnate, etc. He's a good rom-com and drama actor.

Jung Kyoung Ho has been appearing in the small screen since 2004 and has already landed in many roles. He was in Beating Again, Missing Nine, and Prison Playbook. If you noticed, he was Yoon Seri's ex-boyfriend in Crash Landing On You, which was just a special appearance.

Kim Dae Myung is more of a big screen guy. He has been appearing in movies since 2012. Some of other dramas where he starred are Misaeng: Incomplete Life and The Sound of Your Heart.

The only woman in the main cast is originally a play and musical actress. She's a fresh face in the world of K-drama. Jeon Mi Do had her first role 2 years ago in a drama called Mother. She appeared in a movie called Metamorphosis last year and finally, had her second role this year in Hospital Playlist.

A second season of the drama is to be expected next year. 😉

• The Experience

As I mentioned earlier, I've already watched this drama twice! It's not even that long since I watched this for the first time, and I just finished watching it again.

The first time I watched Hospital Playlist, I didn't know what it was all about. I was actually just having a phase where all I wanted to watch was medical dramas (yes... that's true, even though I am not a med student or anything related) so I clicked on it immediately as soon as all of the episodes were released on Netflix. But as soon as I finished watching the first episode, I couldn't really stop myself from watching more.

Typically, I enjoy watching light and funny dramas but this one is on another level. It has become my favorite Netflix original drama! Until now, I still can't get over it. I can't wait for the next season to be released.

•Points that I Liked About the Drama

https://t.co/OC3HEzU0a4

1. Hospital Playlist tells a lot of story about different people. There are five main characters but the story does not only revolve around them but also tells the story of the people around. This is actually common when it comes to medical dramas since there are a lot of patients. However, in this drama, they didn't just focus on patients but also on the hospital staffs. In fact, there are so many doctors from different departments that are shown here. I got to see more of what's happening during their breaks, how senior doctors look over the interns and residents and other staff, etc. Of course those are not real life scenarios, but it seemed real and made me feel like I am one of them.

2. Light and funny but really heartwarming. It's the kind of drama that will make you laugh and cry at the same time. It's not the slapstick comedy kind of drama but more of a situation-based kind? I don't know if you get it at all, LMAO. Watching it makes you feel like you're just catching up with friends, talking about your daily lives and laughing and reminiscing about the past.

3. Plotless but not nonsensical. It is not a complicated drama which is easy to watch no matter how old or how young you are. It should still be watched chronologically, though, because there are still a lot of stories to follow about each character. There's just no definite goal that was shown in the drama but the way the story was told, it's almost perfect.

4. One of the most realistic medical dramas. There are no exaggerated medical scenes where the doctors have to do impossible things and whatsoever just to save a patient.

https://t.co/Z6U1T2nBI0

5. I love the characters. It's impossible to choose a favorite character! Even the supporting ones are characterized well. Each character is different, that's why even if there are many of them, you won't get lost.

6. It's a medical drama so I learned a lot as well. If you are interested in medicine or currently taking up medicine related programs, Hospital Playlist is a good k-drama option to watch.

https://t.co/xGbTvz4giu

7. The OST is good. I highly recommend this drama if you are a sucker for good OSTs like me. All of the songs here are just covers. I am not familiar with the original songs since they are from the 1990s and early 2000s, but I still enjoyed them. For a month, I've only played Hospital Playlist OST. I'm not even kidding!

https://t.co/p3gGyjAKSS

8. They didn't overdo the romantic scenes. I ship a lot of the characters because there are also side stories like doctors who start to like each other. But none of them are cringey. I had a good time watching some characters' love story as it progresses.

9. There are so many cameos. I won't mention them because it may lead to spoilers but I swear, I love those special appearances!

• The Ending

The ending of the first season was satisfying. There are still unanswered questions, though. That's something to look forward to for the 2nd season. I can't say much about the ending because I know that it's not the final one yet. Still, my heart was contented with the 12 episodes.

•Final Thoughts

Will I watch it again? YES. FOR SURE.

Will I recommend it? YES. WATCH THIS DRAMA RIGHT AWAY OR ADD THIS TO YOUR PENDING LIST IMMEDIATELY.

Rate: 10/10 (for this season only)

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

The reason why it's a 10/10 for me is because I prefer dramas like this, okay? If anyone disagrees with me, you can try to convince me to change my mind but I doubt anything will change. 🤣

•Hospital Playlist Top 5 OST

I really had a hard time picking my top 5 favorite songs because all of them are good. This is a really hard task for me, why did I even do this to myself? Lol. I feel my heart breaking. I. Am. Not. Kidding. So the songs I listed here are not really my top 5, it's rather a proof of my claim that everything is good. ('cos i just can't, i am sorry).

Me to You, You to Me by Mido and Falasol

Lonely Night by Kwon Jin Ah

Introduce me a good person by Joy

Aloha by Cho Jung Seok

In front of city hall at the subway station by Kwak Jin Eon

That's it! There's nothing I don't like about Hospital Playlist and I have no issues, too. If I am to think of one, it would probably be about the release date of the second season because I am dying for it.

So what are your thoughts? 😊 Thank you for reading!

[nihilnovisubsole]

I've just realised you've been here on this hellsite for quite some time, so I immediately have to ask you what has been the weirdest ask you got sent? Also, what Tumblr Catastrophe(tm) do you remember most fondly?

i know, can you believe that i joined in senior year of high school? god, what i wouldn’t give to go back in time and kick 17-year-old me like that fax machine scene in in the loop.

i’m sure i’ve forgotten most of them, but off the top of my head, a few particularly strange or funny ones that i can think of:

the one who spammed me with dirty jokes about breadsticks in body orifices until my friends were like “omg ak stop answering them”

a couple of love notes after my suit drawing guide was shared on reddit about what a bitch i was for presuming to tell men how to dress

the one who asked if i had a blood fetish

the one who reprimanded me about taking the lord’s name in vain, or something like that

someone asked me if i was hyped for the next game in a series that i had enjoyed but, to my knowledge, not talked about on my blog. if i had, i’d only reblogged a photoset or something, or if i’d made a text post about it, it would have been many, many years ago.

this is the only one that i found a little creepy. nothing came of it, though, so no big deal.

i swear there was someone else who joked about a canon/OC ship and some kind of humorously bizarre sexual practice. i cannot, for the life of me, remember what it was. for that, it’s probably not worth mentioning it, but god. now it’s haunting me.

on the whole, though, people have been nice and charmingly normal. it’s the reason i’ve kept anon enabled as long as i have. either they want to pay me a compliment, or talk about writing/character stuff, or tell me about some forty-something man who looks like a garbage pail that they came across in some media and they thought i’d like. [yes, i have actually gotten several messages like this. many of the dudes are a little too garbage-pail for me, i’m sorry, but it’s sweet of them to think of me in the first place.]

i even like the ones who ask personal or off-the-wall questions as long as they’re earnest about it. there was someone who hit me up a while ago about feeling anxious when it comes to relationships. i’m not a trained therapist and i’ve never had a boyfriend, but i hope i was still able to say something meaningful. when people write to you about things like that, they’re being vulnerable, even if they don’t do it with their username attached.

anyway, re: tumblr catastrophes: you want to hear something funny? you remember back in, like, 2014 or 15 when tumblr removed the white borders on image posts, and everyone who was used to making their images exactly 500 pixels wide flipped out? i did! i still use an extension to keep the image borders there. i even signed an online petition to make tumblr put it back. i had a feeling it wasn’t going to do anything, but, well, it made me feel better at the time.

[ellenneedscoffee]

some asks

I saw @whiisker share this and thought I’d give it a go. Originally posted by @lilflowerkiddo

• 1. have you ever been in love?

I have and still am. I’ve been with my boyfriend going on five years now.

• 2. who is your favorite artist?

There are so many! Charlie Bowater, Shirley Barber, Yehuda Devir, the list goes on.

• 3. what is your favorite music genre?

I cant say i have a favourite. I like all kinds of music, except for country but Luke Combs is an exception.

• 4. have you ever had a penpal?

I have two. I've known them for about 8 years I think? One of them is a fantasy author and I’m creating the covers for her new series. 

• 5. are you single or in a relationship?

Yep. I’m taken.

• 6. what color are your eyes?

blue.

• 7. what is your favorite word?

antidisestablishmentarianism.

• 8. do you play any instruments?

No but i’d like to. 

Favorite color?

Purple but I also really like emerald green.

• 10. do you have any nicknames?

Not really. Some people call me Elle but that’s mainy my dad.

• 11. what is your favorite flower?

Orchids.

• 12. what qualities do you find attractive in a person?

Well, My current boyfriend is technically my first so I’d say I love his humor and and his smile. Although sometimes I hate his smile because it means hes about to be a cheeky shit and I should be worried.

• 13. do you have any pets?

I have a land seal- I mean a Blue Healer and 3 cats. 

• 14. have you ever traveled outside of your home country?

No but I am planning on going to Bali at the end of the year. I would also love to visit Japan and the US.

• 15. what language(s) do you speak?

English. I did learn Indonesian when i was in primary school and high school but I only remember the very basics like “Good Morning” and “thank you”.

• 16. who was your first crush?

The crush i can remember was I guy I “dated” when i was 12. Turns out he was best mates with my boyfriend before he decided to hit his girlfriend and threaten to come to my bf’s house with a crow bar. Yeah, we don’t speak to him anymore...

• 17. do you wear glasses?

I have glasses but i don’t need them. I swear they’re just clear lenses because they don’t do anything.

• 18. what is your favorite pastry?

croissant

• 19. do you prefer swimming in a pool or in the ocean?

ocean. 

• 20. bright, dark, or pastel colors?

Half of my wardrobe is black.

• 21. what is your favorite social media app?

Instagram.

• 22. what is your sexuality?

Straight.

• 23. do you have any siblings?

I have two sisters. I’m the middle child.

• 24. what is your favorite scent?

Strawberry and cream body wash. My god so good.

• 25. where do you want to travel to?

Japan and the US.

• 26. what is your favorite film?

West Side Story. 

• 27. who do people say you look like? (celebrity/family member)

I look really similar to my younger sister (well duh). Total strangers recognize me because they know her and vice versa.

• 28. who is your best friend?

I've struggled with friends over the years but I can say that my current friend group are my best friends. We’re like a family, My friend’s son calls me Aunty Ellen.

• 29. what is your dream job?

Full time Illustrator. (*sigh* It would be a dream)

• 30. do you know how to drive?

Yes I do. I've had my licence for 9 months now.

• 31. who is/was your favorite teacher?

My grade 3 teacher, Mrs Roach. She’s so lovely.

• 32. are you a feminist?

Yes.

• 33. what is your zodiac sign?

Cancer

• 34. do you enjoy reading?

I do. I really want to read more. I’m currently reading Gumiho: Wicked Fox.

• 35. do you have any hidden talents?

I can twitch my nostrils like a rabbit.

• 36. have you ever dyed your hair?

Defiantly. I cant even remember the last time I had my natural colour.

• 37. what is your favorite thing in your bedroom?

My laptop

• 38. what is your biggest fear?

Failure. 

• 39. can you whistle?

Yes. (take that Pepper Pig)

• 40. do you make your bed every day?

I try to.

• 41. do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?

No. I might get a tattoo one day but i cant commit.

• 42. have you ever been on a roller coaster?

Yes and it was horrible I hated it. 

• 43. surfing or skateboarding?

Neither.

• 44. are you a dog or a cat person?

Cat.

• 45. what is your favorite animal?

OTTERS!

• 46. do you have a skincare routine?

I guess. I use a green tea face wash and toner and then i like to use an eye serum.

• 47. what time do you typically go to bed at and what time do you wake up at? 

Lately I've been going to bed around 10:30 - 11:00 pm and waking up between 8:30 - 9:00 am. But I depends if i have work that day.

 48. what is your favorite memory?

It only happened this past weekend but dancing with my boyfriend at a friend’s wedding. It was the couple’s dance and I don’t know why but I got really emotional lol.

• 49. how tall are you?

5 ft 4

• 50. what is the best gift you’ve ever received?

My laptop and drawing tablet.

• 51. do you have a garden?

I do but its all weeds.

• 52. do you like bugs?

Not really? Moths freak me out. I hate how big they get and fly in your face.

• 53. what is your natural hair color?

Brown.

• 54. what is your favorite food and drink?

I loooooove seafood. Salmon sashimi, prawns, oysters give me now! and bubble tea.

• 55. do you want kids?

One day. Defiantly not now.

• 56. what is/was your favorite class?

Art and Photography.

• 57. what color shirt are you wearing?

Black. 

• 58. if you could time travel, what year would you go to and why? 

I do miss the 00′s. 

• 59. what is your skin color?

I’m very pale.

• 60. hugs or kisses?

Depends who’s giving them.

• 61. have you ever drank alcohol?

Yes, I get very drunk on Fireball but I love it! It tastes like a cinnamon doughnut. 

• 62. have you ever done drugs?

No but i’ve considered trying marijuana at least once. 

• 63. netflix or youtube?

Youtube.

• 64. ice cream or frozen yogurt?

Frozen yogurt.

• 65. succulents or flowers?

Succulents but all mine are plastic.

Original post by lilflowerkiddo

[unrealisticexpectationss]

A Big, Steaming Pile of Emotional Shit

Sometimes I get so fucking bored on here. I'm definitely not following as many people as I had before, but like fuck. Once you cross the upper 20s bracket, you're in no man's land.

I can't follow anyone under 28, it's just too sad and I wish no one had to deal with this and it makes me think of my sister. I would be devastated if I knew she had an eating disorder. Thank fucking anything she doesn't, but every young woman or girl I see on here reminds me of her. And it's just so sad.

I wish I could grow out of my eating disorders like I've outgrown fucking tumblr.

I'm not as depressed and angry as I have been in the past, I'm actually pretty happy, which also doesn't fit here anymore lmao. My old blog was all about depression and suicide, and I still have those days. Those deep dark fucking days where I can't remember why the fuck I'm still here. But then those days go, and better ones come back and it just gets better. Somehow it always does.

So I guess I've just flipped the switched my mindset from 'bad days always come back' to 'good days always come back.' Either way it's technically the same exact thing, just a different perspective.

I'm rambling out of boredom, but, I just needed this emotional dump lol. I can't wait for my therapist to be back from maternity leave. I don't plan on telling her where I'm at with my ed, just that I've stopped purging. Which is like... 95% true.

Sometimes I grapple with the fact that this disorder is literally a part of me. Something that can't be removed. Something essential.

It's been 19 years since my first binge, 17 years from my first purge, and 14 years since I actively and repeatedly chose not to eat.

I don't remember a year where I wasn't actively disordered or where I didn't relapse. I'm shocked that I'm not dead. Those are probably famous last words to put out into the universe, because I swear to fucking anything, every time I purge I say a prayer or a wish or whatever that I don't die.

Don't get me wrong, I have hoped for death. I have wished for it. But I could never leave behind that mess. I could never do that to my sister, to my boyfriend, to my friends and family (non-biological, ftr). I'm lucky to have that, I know.

But even with all of that, I still can't fucking stop. My boyfriend and I are talking marriage and kids now, something I never thought I'd have because I didn't think I would live this long. I never thought I would find someone to want those things with and for. It scares me more than anything I've been through in my life, and I have been through a fucking LOT.

I'm not sure what my life is going to look like at any point really, but I do want to be there. So, I'm just a fucked up adult now, doing my best with what I've got. Being the best person I can be. Being kind and understanding, and so much more loving and caring now than I have ever been.

So if this fucking disorder ever takes me, I just hope the people I love know I tried my absolute fucking best.

10/9/21