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thesimperiuscurse · 3 years

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08.04

It’s The Kingston Legacy’s sixth anniversary, so here’s a throwback post to celebrate! Last month I forced myself to reread the entire legacy, and while I stopped, clicked off the tab, and emitted a soundless scream of pure cringe numerous times (I wish I was kidding)—the past generations are actually not as terrible as I remember. I think enough time has passed for me to detach myself from the childish storytelling and look back in nostalgia.

Thank you to my fellow Wordpress writers who have come along the journey, some for many years now, through every high and low. It’s astounding how much has changed in the legacy from when I was 15, and 21. Follow me down the (very) long memory lane, as I reminiscence about each story and my perspective on them now ❤

Generation 1 — Fern (2015)

To my shock, I found myself genuinely enjoying Fern’s story. I think this was because the first generation was purely me commentating on gameplay, and not trying to write a story (that’s when the cringe began). I was inspired by one of the original stories, Alice and Kev, to make a homeless sim and document her struggle for a better life: Fern, a snobby aspiring writer. Reading this, a huge wave of nostalgia hit me, and it reminded me of how wonderful Sims 3 gameplay is. Although I’m long past it now, there’s real heart and life in the design. I think it speaks about the rich personalities and quirks that I could write a whole life story off it. It was super fun making Fern camp out at Old Pier Beach, stealing from townie picnics and roasting apples on the fire, finding little ways to scrounge money, giving her a makeover in the salon, watching the townie dramas unfold around her. Although she faced homelessness two times and a shitty first husband (yeah, fuck off, Xander), Fern grew into a strong and independent yet sweet and gentle character, in love with the ocean like her great-granddaughter comes to be.

I never actually addressed this, but she (and her love Christopher) passed away in the story between the end of Gen 3 and start of Gen 4. It just felt weird to make it a big deal because they never died in game—still ‘alive’ and well, scattered across different backup saves and the bin.

Generation 2 — Briar (2015)

Briar’s story was strange, because it was half gameplay and half story, which meant that there were things that just did not... make... sense. She was quite an ‘unreliable’ character to follow because of her Insane trait. The plot revolved around her as a fresh detective, investigating supernatural phenomena in Sunset Valley. Her character arc was almost the opposite to her mother’s: a naive, optimistic, silly girl hardening through trauma into a cold and ruthless police chief. Ash’s death was the one moment I felt true sadness in this legacy, because he did really die. Imagine me actually getting emotional over my characters, lmao. Wild.

Also, Max is OP. To this day he is one of the best male characters in my legacy, a healthy and supportive best friend (to husband) in stark contrast to the following generation.

Fallen Angels — Cherry (2016-2019)

Yes. It’s this generation. Square the fuck up, Cherry. I will fight her any day. Old readers will know of my pure hatred for this story. It’s been about two years since it thankfully ended. My verdict now?

It’s not quite as horrifically shitty, Gabriel and Lilith being a lot nicer than I remembered (Gabriel’s only a bit of a dick at the start), but it still has glaring problems, such as the pacing and clumsy handling of sensitive topics. The story would have been far nicer if it focused less on Cherry and Luc’s relationship and their respective issues, more on the found family and her relationship with Gabriel (which was rushed due to me despising the story by that point). During the first chapters, I was cringing spectacularly at the combination of Luc’s initial jackass behaviour and Cherry’s whining. Toxic as FUCK. I had to skip 3.8 and 3.9 entirely. These two (because of my own shameful mistake) tainted the generation in my eyes, and even though all of the characters grew from their toxicity, I can’t really see past that guilt to the better parts of the story.

Jade has been telling me for years that this story isn’t all bad, and upon forcing myself to reread, I can see what you mean. I’m sorry LOL. Something that pleasantly surprised me was the writing quality (just the prose, not the actual story mechanics... lmfao), and Raphael, who made me smile every time he appeared. Every single careless, sarcastic line of his was a banger. The pictures are something else I like, too. Many of them stand up to the best ones in En Pointe—the fiery, gritty, industrial tones of Bridgeport just hits different. The world was rich and immersive, which is missing at the moment in En Pointe because of me being too lazy to build a proper Los Angeles world, but Act III is set in Boroughsburg so I’m excited to get back into the city scenes. 17 year old me wasn’t mature enough to tackle dark themes, but at least the visuals for them were nice, I guess. The atmosphere of the story I really enjoy. It’s just the toxic characters and way-too-angsty moments that ruin the whole thing for me.

En Pointe — Evangeline (2019-)

And here we are now! The early chapters are kinda painful to read because 1) Mako looked so ugly and 2) the dialogue was so clumsy and generic. I sighed in relief when Chapter 5 came around, because it was then both of those aspects really began to improve. Eva’s voice was simple, with her punchy remarks, much less romantic and descriptive than Cherry, so it was interesting to see her voice becoming more complex and layered as I more understood her character. Also, me visibly struggling with the natural lighting and only getting a handle on it 7 chapters later has me shaking my head.

I’m already beginning to identify issues with the story, mostly with character arcs and pacing. It’s a strange combination of fast pacing (spanning half a year in 8 chapters) and Eva becoming surprisingly comfortable with Mako’s touch due to their unusual pas de deux circumstances. It’s curious how real life time actually played into the pacing of the story—because of the slow publishing schedule, less time has passed in the story as real life, so it’s almost as if the time jumps were made up by real life time, making the jumps feel not too strange. Reading consecutively, however, Evako’s relationship growth doesn’t feel slow burn... a little underdeveloped, in a way, despite their lengthy conversations. I think that’s because of Mako being such a reserved and mysterious character, and that I’ve unconsciously come to rely on Tumblr to give more depth to the characters/relationships. Luckily, pretty much everyone who comments on the story also follows me here, so this dual-platform storytelling is okay, I suppose. I want to post more of #Mishako since there just isn’t enough time to explore their bromance in the story!

At the moment I’m not happy with the story, but it’s fine. I’m learning. There’s more than half the story to go, which means plenty of time to reflect upon the issues and improve. I’m really looking forward to Eva and Mako’s character arcs in Act III. At the moment their relationship is based on their natural chemistry and respect for each other, and since they are yet to face trials their bond isn’t super deep, but Evako are still my favourite couple in the legacy thus far, and feel much more real than any character I’ve written before. It’s been very interesting for my aro ass (and being way more logical than emotional) to figure out a dynamic that is actually compelling to me, because most of the time when I look at romance I’m just like 😐🤨 I’m liking it so far but we shall see how everything unfolds, because I have barely any idea what’s going to happen beyond Act II, lmfao.

That’s it for my incredibly long throwback! I hope it was at least nice for the OG readers, and interesting for anyone else who managed to battle through this essay, haha. This family has been an integral part of me growing up, as a person and writer and artist (what I’ve developed in visuals I apply to architecture), learning a great deal of awareness about real life through story research, which is pretty cool now that I think about it. I’m aiming to finish En Pointe by the end of 2022. I’m excited for what unexpected changes are to come!

#wordpress is being annoying like tumblr right now #they're trying to sneakily integrate the new site design into the old #pretty sure a lot of people don't like the new one #why can't i view media by month #now i have to scroll through a million pictures to find old ones #why is it selecting several when i just want to open one pic #fuck youuu #anyway #very busy week #lilaremonn #thesimperiuscurse

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katierosefun · 4 years

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Heyy, just wanted to say I LOVE your stories (and all you headcanons and tags hehe) I'm new here and wanted to ask how and when you started writing fanfiction for star wars and if you have any tips 😊

hello! thank you for the kind words :’) and of course, welcome!!

so if we want to get really technical about things, i started writing star wars fic like,,,,waaaay back in 2013, and i kinda cringe a little when i think of those fics now because lol i was thirteen years old then--and i wrote for a little while until maybe 2016-ish? and then took a break because of mental health things, and then got back into writing fic in the past year and a half or so!

as for the how, i wanted to write star wars fic mostly because as a thirteen year old, i was devastated by the season five finale (back then, that was when the show just got cancelled and the season five finale was the only series finale we were gonna get!), and i just kinda wanted to write all these stories about the tcw fam actually being happy. filling in the gaps and all. (lol considering how my gut reaction to the tcw season seven finale was also to write as much fic as possible, i can safely say that some things just don’t change.)

as for tips! i got a little into writing gen fic specifically here, but as for writing fic in general: (and under the cut because i,,,as usual, went off for a while.)

1. rewatch/reread source material! this is something i usually do when i’m trying to refresh my memory on a certain episode--i won’t watch through the whole thing, sometimes i’ll just kind of jump around, but i like to get some quick look back into the source stuff to put myself in the right headspace to explore how to extend/expand the story somehow.

of course, if you’re writing something that’s an AU then you don’t really have to worry about this, but!! rewatching the source can also just be super helpful when you’re trying to characterize properly/try to get a feel for what the characters’ voices are like.

2. wookiepedia is your best friend, but if you don’t have enough info on something, either search through fanon star wars meta or!! just make up something on your own! like, i cannot tell you the amount of times i’ve wanted to tear my hair out because i couldn’t find enough information on x or if i had to stop and be like “wait, but does star wars even have y??” sometimes, wookiepedia is helpful for providing those answers, and other times, blogs like @gffa really provides a big, broad look at all the stuff in star wars, and her blog kinda runs like wookiepedia itself, so i can guarantee that you’ll find some useful stuff if you’re ever kind of lost about what certain jedi customs/culture or in general, what different cultures were like in the galaxy far, far away.

but also, as i’ve mentioned, i think it’s okay to just kinda ignore the technical stuff and just make something up in star wars as you go along. you don’t like that glass in star wars is called transparisteel? then use glass. you’re not sure if star wars even celebrates the new year? screw it, why not? you’re the writer--you get creative license!

3. there is no such thing as “too much” of one trope. so, idk if you might struggle with this, but just in case you do--sometimes, fic writers will hit a wall and be like “no i can’t post this because so many people have already written about this/used this trope/etc.” to that, i say pffft, nah. there’s a post floating around here on tumblr about a cake analogy and how like,,,to you, you might have just brought another cake to a party with already so many cakes, and you might feel kinda embarrassed about that, but to the large majority of people? all they see is more cake, and who doesn’t love more cake?

what i’m basically trying to get at here is!! write whatever you want and don’t worry about if someone’s already done it, because everyone in fandom lives to see their favorite storylines expanded over and over and over again/everyone lives to see their favorite tropes used over and over and over again. fic is wonderful for that very reason, and you shouldn’t deprive yourself of enjoying that.

4. this might seem kinda trivial, but spellcheck and formatting is...mostly important. the unfortunate thing about fic is that sometimes people will click out the second they see a huge block of text like so:

“this is just a practice run,” i say as i start this paragrah. i don’t really know what i’m writing about but this is an example, and i know that this is probably going to look really, really ugly on the screen but here we go oh the things i do for explaining fic i already know that this has gone long enough but who is to stop me you know? wait no i haven’t made any spelling errors yet to prove my point so okay let me think of a common spelling error i can’t think of any right now but hm let’s see i will causally say that i have made a spelling error. oh look! i have made a spelling error (well, not a spelling error, more like a mix-up of words) because you can tell that instead of writing casually which would be more correct i wrote causally and those two are very different things. but there are other spelling errors that can sometimes be a turn-off for readers like when they notice that the k in kenobi isn’t capitilized and once or twice that’s all fine and most people will overlook that, but if you do that consistently then most people will be turned off and click into another fic and oh dear it seems that i am actually explaining things so i guess that means i should stop with this ugly paragraph and actually move forward. “move on!” i shout to myself now. (and just pretend that something like this continues for a good two or three pages.)

do you see how ugly that is? it’s an eye-strain to most people when they read, and you can write the most beautiful fic in the world, but if the formatting and the spelling is off, then most people will move to a different fic. (which is, again, unfortunate, especially for younger and newer writers, but! ‘tis a thing that comes with fic.)

5. have fun! don’t get yourself caught up with appealing to the crowd. write what you want to write first and foremost, because at the end of the day, it’s you who’s putting in the work and the effort to craft a story, and if you’re about to invest your time and energy into anything in your free time, then it should be something that brings you at least some joy and comfort. so go on and write, and keep writing if you enjoy it! no one can take that away from you.

hope that all helps!!

#answered #asdfdsf sorry for the essay but!!! i hope that was somewhat helpful!!#writing tips

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sueboohscorner · 3 years

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#Bull - Season 5 - Full Season Review and Breakdown

Bull - Season 5 - Review/Recap and Breakdown.

*********** Spoilers Ahead, Read This Review At Your Risk ***********

Hello and Welcome Back Bull Fans and Long-time readers of my content. I hope you are safe and well wherever you are in the world. I am so sorry again for being absent for most of The Bull coverage for 2021. that I suffer from serious mental health issues that i have only have started seeking help for again. Also i had a lack of motivation towards Bull. . Because I felt I was not connecting to the material that the show was producing. so i stopped watching it all together. Nevertheless, I re- watched the whole season of Bull recently and I thought that I would give my recent thoughts and opinions on the show and I will be ready for what i believe to be the last season of the show. Season 6, when that comes back in 47 days time. . And I have come back better and hopefully stronger than ever. When I last posted to this website and social media, it gave me some critical feedback about my work. In every review I post to my website or on this platform. I make note to my viewers of my content that it’s okay to give constructive feedback. Because I enjoy getting that type of feedback. Because it gives me the opportunity to improve and explore my mistakes that I have made.

If you want to let me know it is not to a standard or have made a mistake, let me know in the comment section below. As constructive feedback, no negative comments. Thank you to the people who are supportive of my work. As I continue to improve my writing & editing skills.

Please be consider it before you post that negative comments about it. Create Constructive Feedback Not Negative Nonsense that can create a dumpster fire.

Now before i move on to the regularly scheduled program of My Season 5 Review of Bull. I have attached a button were you can click to see my statement of honesty of where i dive further about the situation of my work and my lack of Bull coverage on this website. If you are interested to find out more click that button below.

The Character Development of Season 5 for Bull

Dr. Jason Bull (Bull)

During Season 5 of the show, we get to see more of the softer side of Bull and what he would do for his clients and his family. Which, over I think, was great to see MW play aside to the role that we have seen since his last days on NCIS. Which allowed for the moments that are small but remembered for the character. At the moment, I am currently satisfied with how Bull is developing, but I feel like there is something missing at the moment. I don’t know. Let me know what you think.

Benny

S5 of the show was the Best for Freddy. As it gave Benny more overall development. But it was a bitter note, as FR is leaving the show for good. As I could see more of this character in the terms of the personal and professional relationships and the overall development of Benny, breaking away from TAC and creating his own identity. I also kind of had this notion that FR was leaving the show or fashion. Because of how the character was being written and also some media interviews that some of the cast members did in preview for S5 of the show. I just hope that the Bull writer’s room give Benny a storyline that would suit the character from leaving the show. And I wish FR all my best for what to his next projects are going to be in the future.

Isabella (Izzy) Colon (Bull).

Issy has been a breath of fresh air in the show for S5 because it gave Bull and the TAC team more of a family-style feeling of what the actors and the writers are trying to create on-screen. This Season to me feels like a re-introduction of Issy, as we have seen this character, as a high-powered businesswoman to a mother and a partner to Bull. So I hope that in season 6, we get to see more of the softer side of her and get to see more of her as a new woman to work with or exploring a new aspect of her character.

Chunk

S5 for Chunk was to establish the character more in the show's canon, As FR is leaving the show, I believe that the writers of the show we’re working towards making Chunk the principal attorney at TAC or creating aversion that could step into that role overall. But from what the writers are creating, I believe we may see a new character come into the Business. I just hope that we get to see more of Chuck in the courtroom with Bull as a lawyer.

Marissa

S5 for Marissa, to me, was a mixed bag for me, as we got to see some closure on her former marriage and what other problems that are she faced in terms of her personal life. But in her professional life that we can see that is she on the top of her game. I just hope that we get to see more of Marissa and her high-school crush on a coffee date. Because I think they would be the second-best couple on the show, after Bull and Issy.

Taylor

Taylor’s Season 5 for Me was lukewarm in terms of character development because we only see glimpses of her personal life and but there was not much else that I would consider being developed. It is sad to they underrated this character in terms of character development. I feel like she has become the Chuck of earlier seasons of the show.

Danny

S5 for Danny, we finally got to see more of her in action in the professional work at TAC and in her personal life as we got to see more of her background come to life in the storyline about her dad. But I think I need to see more in terms of the background of this character because I believe she is one of the most even I would go as far as to say that is she is one of the most under-used characters on the show. I just hope that S6 gives her the best send-off or storylines for her actor.

As we move through the character development of this show’s 5th season, the audience gets to see where the characters that we have fallen for in terms of the relationships that they have or the people that play those characters. I just hope all the behind-the-scenes drama and in media can handle it in a way that still creates the show that we know and has loved since 2016. So with that, let’s move on to my next major section of this review, it’s that romance and relationship side to the show that the audience tunes in for.

The Relationship Development of Season 5 of Bull

Through the show’s run over the last 5 to 6 years, we have seen some great and solid relationships and we have seen some of not the best and in this section we are going to be having a look at those relationships in more detail and what I would like to see happen in the future season that is coming for this cast of relationships

Dr. Jason Bull and Isabella Colon (Bull).

Well, well, here we are again with my favorite couple again on this show. During S5 of the show, we got to see more personal side to this relationship that we have not seen in the past, as they got and were divorced. But we get to see a proposal and a wedding during the show’s 5th season. So I hope we get to see more of these moments of the couple and the little family moments. Because they have become the heart of the show, that MW was promoting in a TV insider interview for the preview of S5 of the show.

Bull and Benny,

Throughout Season 5 of the show, we get to see more of Benny breaking out from Bull’s Shadow and creating a new identity and name for himself by running for a job that he has been wanting to do for several years and their personal relationship has plated out with the crappy season 4 and Baby Bull. Now Bull is focusing more on the family side of his life. As much as I have been a fan of this friendship on - screen, I think there was more to be explored of how the two met and what lead to the downfall of the relationship.

As FR is leaving the show, we will not see more of that great friendship that they had, because of how the writers of the show, creating more of a separation between the two. But overall I have enjoyed this relationship and I look forward to seeing what they can do in S6 with the actor ultimately leaving the show.

Bull and Chunk

As word has gotten the news about FR’s departure from the show early this month. So the development of this relationship has been critical role in the relationship side to the TAC team to be handled in a good way for the show. Now this friendship/mentorship develops further into Season 6 of the show.

Bull and the TAC Team

Throughout the 5th season of the show, I believe that there was a change in the dynamics of the team. This leads to I believe the most significant development of some characters since season 3. with the likes of Taylor and Danny. I hope in S6 of the show that they continue these dynamics and create more relationships within. Because I think we can bring a new character into the fold of the show. Which would allow for a new way of thinking on the show’s principles cast, maybe.

Overall, the relationship development of Season 5 has been significant from the heart of the show, Bull and Isabella, and the relationship bombshells for Benny and Bull. Plus, the closure of some relationships that we have seen in the past comes to an untimely end. But I think that the Bull’s writers’ room of the show, continues to develop these relationships on the show.

I believe we are going to see more of a different type of show that we have not seen in a long time; I believe. On to the next and final section of this review. It is my overall thoughts on the season and what were my best, worst, and most cringe moments of the show.

My Final Thoughts and Opinions of Season 5 of Bull.

Season 5 of Bull, in my humble opinion, is one of the better seasons of the show in terms of relationship and character development. As well as the brief moments of drama and emotions that were thrown in there for a delightful mixture. But I think there was something missing from the show. Maybe it’s the chemistry of some actors or it was the external factors of the show that created a greater impact than needed. But

I also believe that we got to see one of the most internally developed seasons over the years, which I think that the show needed to bring back more of those small and little minor details. Overall was a very good solid addition to the canon of the overall story. And with that, I would like to talk about my moments of best and worst and mostly the very cringe parts of the show’s 5th season.

Best Moments of Bull Season 5

The little family moments that Bull and Issy have throughout the show’s 5th season.

Some performances that were developed and created by FR on the show were the best that we have seen in a long time from him. I just wish that we could have seen more of those in the future season to come

The relationship development was a critical aspect of the survival of the show for me. As help to see more of a change in the show's dynamics and created more of a universe in the cast of characters on the show.

I want to see more of Marisa’s high school crush and her relationship with Dave. Because I think it would well suit them for the show overall dynamics of the relationships that the writers are creating

The performances of the Show’s minor characters I have enjoyed this season are the following

Marisa in Season 5 Episode 4, going through her divorce episode and how that played out for her

Chunk in the courtroom in most of the episodes were some of the better performances that the actor have given over the years

Danny’s storyline of the death of her dad and how that ties into her overall character development going forward.

The Worst Moments for Me in the 5th Season of Bull

The moments of Bull S5 were the worst on the show. That some episodes had a case - base written into the storyline. It doesn’t match the overall story of the show. As I feel like they could have been written differently. Plus, the jump cuts are back and give me flashbacks to when I was watching Law and Order SVU over the past couple of months. I think that sometimes in a context that they can be well written but sometimes they can be off-putting.

The cringe moments of S5

These moments for me were the whole of episode 1. I don’t know why it is a cringe moment for me. I know some of my readers will disagree with me and say it is one of the better episodes of the show. Overall, there have been better premiere episodes of the show. I think this episode gave the audience of the show a sign of what the characters and the relationships were going to think and what the writers want to achieve overall in the show. if I ever go back and watch S5 again from the start, that is one episode I will not miss in seeing.

Overall, The 5th Season of Bull was critical and successfully added to the canon in the overall story of the show. There were some moments that were the best and some should have stayed in the writers’ room. I hope we continue to see this trend going forward in S6 and beyond. If the show has any more stories to tell.

This end of my overall review of Season 5 of Bull, Let me know in the comments section below or on social media. Of what you would like to see the coming seasons of the show. And what were the moments of the show that stood out to you as bad or very good?

Overall Rating for Season 5 of Bull is 7/10

Until Next Time I Will See You Later The Woman Who Writes.

#Season5 #Bull #CBS Bull #Dr.Jason Bull #Michael Weatherly #Freddy Rodriguez

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stylesnews · 5 years

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When pop superstar Harry Styles set out to create his sophomore solo album, he found himself talking with a friend about the records he would like to make in the future, and what they would sound like. Then his friend weighed in.

"He just said, 'You have to make the album you want right now.' That was a big turning point," says the 26-year-old musician in a q interview with Tom Power. "And I ended up making the album that I wanted to make when it wasn't just about trying to make what people like."

Of course, that's a daunting task when you're one of the biggest names in the music biz. First formed in 2010, One Direction sold 50 million albums worldwide, set records for highest-grossing tours, and won nearly 200 awards — among them Brit Awards, MTV Video Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, Teen Choice Awards and more.

In 2016, Forbes ranked the group the second highest-earning celebrities, and they were the first band in history to have their four first albums debut at number one on the Billboard 200.

In 2017, Styles released his debut solo single Sign of the Times, which was named song of the year by Rolling Stone, and later released his self-titled debut solo album and embarked on his first solo tour. The same year, he made his acting debut in Christopher Nolan's critically acclaimed blockbuster film Dunkirk.

Styles says he loved his debut solo album, but when he listens back to it, he feels like he was "bowling with the sides up a little bit" and playing it safe — which can be a recipe for disappointment.

"If you're just trying to please people, the worst thing that can happen is it doesn't go well, and you regret the fact that you didn't make what you wanted to make," he says. "The best thing that can happen is it goes really well, and part of you probably still regrets not making what you wanted to make."

Fine Line

Now Styles has returned with Fine Line, an album he told Rolling Stone was "all about having sex and feeling sad." But much more than that, it was an album where, for the first time, he really got to be himself.

"At the start of this album, there was part of me that felt a little bit of pressure. I wanted to make a big album and I wanted it to be successful and I wanted it to work. I think I was trying to do that for a couple weeks and I just wasn't really happy with any of the music I was making," he says.

Styles wrote a big song that people around him were excited about, but when he went to play it for a friend, he found himself cringing. "That's not how you're supposed to feel when you play music to people," he says.

That's when his friend told him to make the album he wanted to make, and he says, and when he took those barriers down, it felt "so much more free and joyous." Still, it wasn't easy.

"It was a lot more frustrating and I'd say it was more difficult overall," says Styles. "But as soon as you come out the other side of the difficult section, the frustrating section, you're like, 'It's not supposed to be easy.'"

'Incredibly therapeutic'

For Styles — who has also co-hosted the Met Gala, modelled for Gucci, played dodgeball with Michelle Obama and helped induct Stevie Nicks into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame — the album was also a deeply introspective exploration, and he didn't shy away from his darker emotions. In fact, he found the process curative.

"When you write sad songs, you can gain a lot from them. Sometimes it's just as simple as them being a good outlet to get something out. And it's nice sometimes to kind of wrap a feeling up in a little three and a half minute package," he says.

"It's difficult to be as honest with any person as you can be with an instrument, and just sitting and writing with a guitar or a piano. And even if it doesn't end up being a song, just saying something out loud can be nice, to get that out. So I definitely find writing incredibly therapeutic."

Styles says the album is also an exploration of that "fine line" between joy and sadness, and that he lived both extremes during the making of the record.

"The times when I was happiest were some of the happiest times of my life, and the times when I was sadder were some of the lowest times of my life. And I think that's kind of what the album's all about," he says.

"It's that kind of the fragility of motion and how fast it can change. That's why we ended up calling the album Fine Line."

#harry styles #mar20 #cbc20

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waitingtoexhale · 4 years

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Queer Media One Tragic at a Time Has Reprogrammed My Brain

I find myself continually lowering my standards for the type of media I consume. Queer character? Check. Limited tragedy? Check. At least once instance of happiness? Check. Alright, that’s good enough for me. I LOVE THIS *insert media type here* SHOW, MOVIE, SONG! But, along with the good comes the bad and the ugly. Along with the brief instances of happy, complex, characters come the violence, the stereotypes, the woe. At this point, simply having a queer character that doesn’t die is the best I can hope for and that truly stresses me out. On a regular basis.

In Queer Youth Cultures, Karen said it perfectly, “I think there's a lack of homosexual characters who are presented in a positive and uplifting, or not even positive and uplifting but just represented on the screen or in the media in general. I guess it's a desire to have a voice. I know this sounds like pure shit, but it's a desire to have a voice, to feel that l'm being spoken for or even just represented. But that there's a voice up there that's representing, or at least trying to represent my own experience. I want to have a say in what's going on and I'm not willing to just accept the images that are represented in front of me as being the only possibility. I take it maybe beyond its limitations of what's there. I try to expand, try to just open it up to possible choices that exist for me that might not exist for the creators for that particular film or TV show. But I will be heard” (2008, p.175-176).

Shameless acceptance of the toxic gay dynamic:

While sexuality is particular to each individual, the social constructions of heterosexuality and homosexuality are cultural categories humans use to make sense of their sexuality (Queer Analysis, 2010, p.198). Shameless, an American comedy-drama television series based on a British show of the same name, stars Cameron Monaghan as Ian, a closeted teenage boy who realizes he is gay and navigates the complexities of his queerness as a social identity and Noel Fisher as Mickey, a closeted homophobic thug who upon realizing he is gay engages in a sexual relationship with the one other queer person he knows who also happens to be the kid he violently bullied. Ian and Mickey start as a toxic portrayal of settling and acceptability in its truest form. Ian is in a predatory relationship with an adult and still possess a great deal of internalized homophobia when he is essentially propositioned by Mickey and their turbulent relationship begins. Mickey is struggling between his desires as a closeted gay teen and his need to match the criminal ideals expected of his father and family name. They are an explosive pair that seem to cause each other physical pain and mental anguish, yet the fans are wholly supportive. Even when healthy potential partners are introduced, the toxic couple of Ian and Mickey are reunited time and time again because media has established a trope where queer characters are only allowed complicated togetherness. Queer characters are punished for choosing their queerness and therefore not allowed true love and happiness. Despite having this knowledge and nothing in common personally with these characters, I love this couple and I love this pairing, so I am part of the problem. I am a product of this generation of idolizing toxic behaviors between characters because unfortunately those are the only “happy” queer characters I have seen continually produced. I have settled into a pattern of accepting negative stereotypes as simply good enough. I have traded the simple fact that the queer character doesn’t die for the harsh reality of their lives.

Another sad queer lacking Glee:

When queer characters are introduced, there are a set number of personality types and lived experiences they are allowed to have. Take Dave Kurofsky from Glee who serves as the closeted homophobic bully who after being outed in the “On My Way” episode attempts suicide and is comforted by the out-and-proud effeminate Kurt, a previous victim of Kurofsky’s wrath. We get to observe the pointed shift in Kurofsky’s personality from homophobic bully to repentant closeted queer, but the lack of character development unfortunately makes it difficult to feel sorry for him as a character. Instead, as an audience, we are forced to revel in “media representations of queer culture as essentialist, marking out the dichotomies between male and female, heterosexual versus homosexual (Queer Youth Cultures, 2008, p.175). Kurofsky is unable to learn what it means to be a queer man and grow from his internalized homophobia because he is coming his existence and framing his life experiences through that of Kurt; this is apparent when Kurofsky is unable to dance with Kurt at prom because of the perception of gayness. We accept Kurofsky’s story as powerful and real and heartbreaking because it is, but at what point do content creators have an obligation to tell the story a different way, in a positive uplifting light?

Degrassi: The Next Generation of bury your gays tropes:

Degrassi: The Next Generation, a Canadian teen drama television series, made history for tackling the tough social issues affecting teens, but frequently not talked about. They embraced diversity in their casting and range of topics covered while spearheading a progressive movement of introducing characters traditionally absent from popular media. Adam, a trans male character played by a cis female actress is a well-rounded first introduction to many into the lives of trans youth. The audience is familiarized with concepts such as passing and outing as well as the complexities involved in sexuality vs gender. Adam, besides being inaccurately portrayed by a cis woman, which is damaging to the idea that trans folks are the gender they have identified with rather than their gender assigned at birth, provides a much needed avenue of representation for queer youth in popular media. Continuing with our previously identified tropes, as a result of Adam being happy, relatively healthy, and well-liked he has to die. Queer characters are not afforded regular happiness in media they are given a taste then sacrificed as tools of writing via violence, sacrifice, or martyrdom. Adam is not gay bashed or driven to suicide as other queer characters are, but instead tragically killed as a texting while driving PSA. This death is particularly hard felt because Adam was truly shaping out to be a normal high school kid facing the complexities of life and surviving, but the creators, once again, took a queer character as the source for a lesson in some predetermined idea that queer happiness is short lived and tragic regardless of circumstance. There is a need for punishment of their queerness.

Queer punishment, a Supernatural concept:

What do shipping, fandoms, and heteronormative dominant culture have in common? Queerbaiting. Queerbaiting, “a term employed by media fans to criticize homoerotic suggestiveness in contemporary television when this suggestiveness is not actualized in the program narrative” (Brennan, 2016, p.1). A concept typically negatively connoted is a primary tool of heteronormative culture ensuring queer culture remains as a subculture rather than its own, established independent source of media. Audiences, particularly queer individuals, are forced to imagine scenarios and worlds where their identities are represented and dominant. “By creating a fantasy space, queer youth have an environment where they are free to explore many possibilities” (Queer Youth Culture, 2008, p.174). From these creative worlds come the likes of couples like Dean and Castiel (#Destiel) from Supernatural. The creators introduce intimacy and connectedness; the couple is ideal and non-stereotypical or superficial. Unfortunately, our trend of no happy endings for queer media continues because despite the fan observations and urging this couple is never acknowledged or confirmed as such. They instead give several seasons of romantic teasing culminating in a teary subversive confession immediately preceded by death and not just any death, a death where Castiel, an angel character is drug to hell. The sub context is overwhelming in deciding queerness is so offensive that any acknowledgement to the sort should result in punishment akin to biblical reckoning.

Lingua Franca, the road to universal language and communication:

Even as queer media continually evolves becoming evermore accurate and inclusive the conditioning I have been subjected to, as a consumer of queer media, completely reprogram my brain. While watching something as relevant and present as Lingua Franca I am unable to completely enjoy the film as I am waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. Lingua Franca is a progressive film about a trans Filipina woman seeking a path to legal immigration in Trump’s America. The film is written, directed, and stars Isabel Sandoval an actual trans woman of color and therefore the portrayal is very real. As a film about a trans woman, the pace is melodic and light while the subject matter is focused on the life of Olivia rather than her transition or identity as a trans woman. While watching the film, I found it beyond refreshing that there were no invasive surgery questions or blatant misgendering by supposed loved ones. That being said, as a first watch through, it was anxiety inducing; the lack of discussion regarding Olivia’s trans identity led me to worry for her safety in a cis-heteropatriarchal world. When Olivia is engaging in her relationship with Alex I see the natural connections, simplicity, sensuality, and beauty, but I also worry about the potential for the violence I have come to expect when viewing true queer happiness. The scene where Olivia is outed by Alex’s friend shifted the entire tone of the film for me as I watched Alex spiral and truly cringed at the thought of watching another film showing an act of physical violence against a trans woman of color. While that thankfully did not happen, the fact that I remained restless throughout the entirety of the film waiting for it alludes to this reprogramming of sorts that has occurred. Creators show queer characters as poor unfortunate souls brought down by their queer identities therefore, I have come to expect and root for in some regards, a victim. There are limited instances when I can truly enjoy a queer film without a sinking feeling in my stomach waiting for the catch, waiting to exhale and simply experience queer joy.

#queer representation #intersectionality #queer youth culture #tragic queer #shameless #glee #degrassi #supernatural #lingua franca

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hlupdate · 5 years

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"He just said, 'You have to make the album you want right now.' That was a big turning point," says the 26-year-old musician in a qinterview with Tom Power. "And I ended up making the album that I wanted to make when it wasn't just about trying to make what people like."

In 2016, Forbes ranked the group the second highest-earning celebrities, and they were the first band in history to have their four first albums debut at number one on the Billboard 200.

Fine Line

That's when his friend told him to make the album he wanted to make, and he says, and when he took those barriers down, it felt "so much more free and joyous." Still, it wasn't easy.

'Incredibly therapeutic'

Styles says the album is also an exploration of that "fine line" between joy and sadness, and that he lived both extremes during the making of the"The times when I was happiest were some of the happiest times of my life, and the times when I was sadder were some of the lowest times of my life. And I think that's kind of what the album's all about," he says.

"It's that kind of the fragility of motion and how fast it can change. That's why we ended up calling the album Fine Line."

#harry styles #articles #cbc radio #040320

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ranger-kellyn · 4 years

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11 Favorite Excerpts

In honor if it being the 11 year anniversary of the first fic I ever posted, Platinum Bound, I thought I’d list out 10 of my favorite excerpts from everything I’ve posted so far, 1 from something I haven’t posted yet, and then kind of just. Talk about it~

As always, feel free to talk to me about any of my fics, no matter how old or new~ I’m very vain~<3

1 - Come With Me - Prologue - 03/02/2015 - Completed

A day that was supposed to be filled with sorrow and mourning had turned out to be very lovely. The cold that had long persisted since November had decided to lighten its icy grip on this one day in particular. It was almost a tragedy in itself that the weather failed to match the mood by pouring a relentless downpour. Rain was fit for a funeral. Not sunshine.

The opening to Come With Me has always had a special place in my heart, and while I know my writing has gotten better since then, I always hold up this opening as like...my premium brand, I suppose. I love the mood the prologue sets up for Siebold’s side of the story. Mismatched weather. His parents having the same death date. A sense of odd relationship dynamics with them. Clear indication that there’s going to be a lot of conflict with Jean as shown by Diantha, Siebold’d childhood friend, who has a clear disdain towards him. CWM may not be my BEST WORK, but it’s probably one of my favorites. ALSO....come on...the restaurant’s name is Apple of The Earth, which is a direct translation of pomme de terre, which is French for potato. And like???? i just get a little kick out of it every time

2 - It Takes Two - 12/16/2014 - Oneshot

Siebold chuckled. “A water dark type? My, my. You’ve already put yourself at a disadvantage. Cress shook his head. “Don’t give away your secret ingredient just yet, Siebold. Leave something to the imagination, please,” he teased.

If there is ONE THING I LOVE it’s writing flirty banter for these two, and this fic if full of it. My first fic for Cress/Siebold, staking my claim on the pool noodle that is this ship. I AM the captain of this pool noodle

3 - Second Chances - Chapter 7 - 06/14/2017 - Ongoing

“It was supposed to be me!” . . . Shaking, she stopped herself in the front hallway. Looking over the large, glass-famed map, she felt as though she was leaving her own body as she slammed herself against it in a last ditch effort to feel something other than emotional pain. In an effort to put a physical wound to her emotional one.

There’s plenty of happier lines from this fic I could choose. Ch 10 had a section I was considering instead, but I think this emotionally charged section has always stood out for me. I like to generally characterize Cynthia as someone who is in control of her emotions, or at the very least, is very good at compartmentalizing things, but here, she absolutely loses it. No rationality. No seeking help. Just raw pain. It was supposed to be me. Because it was! It absolutely was! In the previous chapter you learn that Diantha had fully intended to propose to her! But was instead manipulated by her mother and manager into leaving Cynthia. While Cynthia didn’t know that, we do, and that makes that line so much more painful to me. I swear. ONE DAY. I’ll actually finish this fic.

4 - Fortune and Fame - Chapter 1 - 03/23/2016 - Completed

“The best part of that outfit would be taking it off.” Her mouth turns into a smile. “I should think so,” she tells you.

Second person POV is a HUGE pain in the ass, but I still love this silly little fic, and I love this silly little moment EVEN MORE. What can I say. I love flirty banter. This whole fic was an absolute experiment, and while it certainly could be better, considering 2POV is not something I regularly work with, I’ve never been too upset with it.

5 - Stockholm - Chapter 4 - 06/20/2016 - Ongoing

“You’re my mission and my mission alone. I don’t need outside help,” he tells me. I catch myself about to laugh. “Figured you would welcome it seeing as whatever you think you’re doing to me clearly isn’t working.” He moves closer, enough for me to feel the warmth of his body, but it’s only when I think he’s looking at my lips do I come to my senses, pulling my legs up to my person, and pushing back up against the wall. “I would say it’s working just fine.”

i like to think of this fic as me playing in a sandbox. i don’t REALLY know what i’m doing, but i’m having fun, and that’s all that matters. This is a fic I had been thinking about for the longest time. I abandoned it back in 2016. I don’t really remember why, but I posted the first update early this year, and I just. I’ve been loving it since. I haven’t played in first person in SUCH a long time, it’s just nice to play in the space, and explore a darker emotion I guess. Game verse Commander Saturn/Dawn is always a weakness of mine

6 - Shadows of My Heart - Chapter 4 - 02/22/2011 - Completed

Looking at Kellyn, I notice that he has taken his jacket off and is now offering it to me. Shaking my head, I tell him that I can't take it, even though I would love nothing more than to take him up on his offer. He walks closer, smiling as he places his jacket over me. Now, the only thing I hear is the sound of the rain bouncing off of Kellyn's jacket, and the sound my own heartbeat. I'd have to be crazy or dead to not be blushing right now, and obviously my pulse is still going…

if you’ve followed me for a few years, you might think this is a weird pick for me. i complain about it a lot. i experience a lot of visceral cringe whenever i reread it (Like i did just now searching for a section i liked) But that’s why I like it. I love having this visible benchmark of where I’ve come from, and where my ideals have shifted to. I’ve always written Kellyn as my Ideal Man™© and in this fic he is suCH A “NICE GUY” AND IT’S JUST. SO BAD. I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT WITH THE KIND OF PERSON I USED TO WISH I WAS WITH. This fic is, at best, clumsy. Younger me was venting a LOT of stuff. Everything I put Rhythmi through in the fic, I was dealing with irl, and NOT handling them well. I never recommend this for reading, but I list it here because it’s like looking in a time capsule.

7 - Washington Blues - Chapter 2 - 04/30/2012 - Abandoned Work

Looking back up at me, the afternoon sun shines on her face. As if I needed to be reminded that she is very pretty. “I believe that it is too soon to be giving a definite answer, but,” she pauses to brush some hair behind her ear, “I do believe I am going to like it here.” I nod, liking the answer she has provided. I put my pink bag over my shoulder, and step down the stairs. “That’s good to hear. I do hope you come to love our little band,” I say, putting a little emphasis on “our”. Hopefully she will start using that term as well.

This fic has been abandoned since 2012, but as I was rereading it just now, I...felt a weird urge to give it a second chance? Marching band was my EVERYTHING in high school. It was basically my personality. It and Homestuck. If nothing else, I think I might give this fic a redo, because it’s something my younger self would have loved. I had so many ideas I wanted to explore and I think it would be a fun space to explore. Just reading it I got the most tactile memories of band camp, from the sounds, all the way down to the god awful smells. One day I’ll give this fic another go, but probably in 3rd person lmao. Also, it’s kind of funny. I remember holding this fic up as like. My Magnum Opus. I considered chapter 1 to be the BEST thing I had written up to that point. Now? It’s so fucking D RY......and no real person talks like they all do l m a o I love being able to see how far I’ve come.

8 - Hindsight - Sometime Feb 2014? - Oneshot for an old RP group

This question led him to placing both of his hands in his lap. “I would never describe her as winter. It’s the season she hates the most. From what I’ve gathered during our travels together, understandably so,” he answered, not meeting her eyes.

While this fic is OLD it holds a very special place in my heart. I had stopped writing for a while. For about 2 years nothing I wrote ever really panned out, and joining that RP group was literally the best thing I could have done for my creativity. It was so much fun, and I met some truly incredible people thanks to it. Literally, everything I’ve written since I attribute to that group. <3 I may not talk to most of them anymore, but I have some of the best memories of that time, and I just. Genuinely don’t think I would have HALF of what I have written now if it hadn’t been for their support. <3

9 - Ours For The Taking - Chapter 2 - 01/28/2012 - Abandoned Work

Killing is in the nature of almost every Pokémon, but we humans have inhibited that out for the most part. It doesn't take much to trigger the instinct though. A couple kills and then they thirst for blood.

Now i know this looks like a WACK ASS PICK. It’s been abandoned since 2012. It’s bad. It’s gore. It’s bad. But that’s exactly why I picked it. That, and I know it would chap Farla’s ass bc she told me years ago how awful this fic was. The whole reason my writing confidence took a blow. I can look back and know that this fic wasn’t great, but I hate for my younger self that they were knocked down like that. You can’t learn the boundaries of your writing until you try to push them. Maybe I could have turned into a great gore/horror writer if I hadn’t been knocked down? Who knows? But because of that negative experience, I now approach all comments I leave on fics with “unconditional positive regard”. I firmly believe if someone wants con-crit they’ll ask for it, and even then, I’m not someone who is going to offer up that criticism. That’s not my jam. I’m just here for a good time. This fic may be bad, but that’s why I love it. I love how over the top, 2Edgy4me the two chapters are.

10 - Getaway Car - Chapter 5 - 01/01/2019 - Ongoing

Pulling away just enough to make them look at one another, Cynthia looked her over. She was getting more drunk admissions than she ever thought she would, and she was in no frame of mind to worry about pushing her luck. “How did that make you feel?” she asked. She let her hand trail down her arm as she spoke. “Grounded. Like nothing else in the world mattered except us in that moment. I wasn’t worried about filming, deadlines, what people might say or think, or– anything, really. All that mattered was the calm you brought me, and how without meaning to you’ve made me feel like the most important person in the room.”

It’s no secret that Getaway Car is like. MY BABY. This is MY FIC. MY BABY. I CHERISH THIS FIC FOR SO MANY REASONS. I like venting through characters, and this fic is no exception. But I loved writing this moment specifically, because it just...I think it encapsulates everything Diantha has been looking for. She lives a charmed, chaotic life. Up to that point in the fic, she’s with a man who can’t really be bothered to give her the time of day, but also can’t handle the idea of letting her go. Without meaning to, without necessarily trying to, Cynthia makes her feel like the most important person in the room. She grounds her, and someone who lives a star-studded life needs that. This fic is my baby. My everything. It’s probably what I’m known for at this point, and I’m A-OK with that because these two are my everything. (ALSO, I specifically posted this fic when I did to get Farla to leave me a review, and had a good laugh about it when she did. My “bat shit crazy” plot device has ended up being my most popular fic~)

11 - Namtaflu - Chapter _ - Draft from NaNoWriMo 2019

The sound of something rising to the surface of the water attracted everyone’s attention. Turning their eyes towards the water, one by one, countless Starmie and Staryu began to surface, floating atop the water, their bright gem center’s shining in the moonlight. “Oh, wow,” Bianca said, holding the Audino closer to herself. "What are they doing?” Hilbert asked, turning himself so he wasn’t having to strain to look at them. Cheren shrugged. “They’ve always done this.” "They’re looking at the stars,” Hilda added. “It’s what Nona would always tell me. She said she read it in a book somewhere. They surface at night to look at the stars, and they’ll even start blinking here soon.” As she said it, from out in the distance, quick flashes of red began to move along the waves, reminding both her and Cheren of fireflies from further south. Soon enough, the entire shoreline was filled with the water pokémon blinking away at the stars, almost as if they were communicating with each other, or even something else. A few Audino continued to sit with them, everyone moved to silence by the display, afraid to make a single noise, not wanting to scare them at all and make them stop. The display moved in waves, like a heartbeat, ebbing and flowing. At times they were bright enough to cast a glow onto the shore, and at others it seemed like they had collectively stopped for the night. Once Broadway and Manhattan had decided to retire for the night, the group came to an agreement that it was time they retired for the night as well. They had stayed up long past sundown, but it had been worth every second.

I won’t be posting this fic WELL until my three current ongoing fics are completed, but this fic is pretty much everything to me. I first got the idea for this fic back in 2013, my senior year of high school. I wrote the first draft my first NaNoWriMo in 2014, and did a second draft of it last year. This fic has evolved SO MUCH, but this last draft is where I’m REALLY happy with it. I firmly believe there’s never a “right time” to write a fic, but I also believe this fic absolutely benefited from me not posting it after that first draft. They’re almost two entirely different stories. The original had a lot of unhealthy relationship dynamics, and this time, i decided, FUCK THAT, and now it’s a hilda/hilbert/cheren/bianca poly fic ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I can’t wait for the day when I actually get to share this fic with the world.

#writing tag #my fics #i spENT ALL DANG DAY ON THIS

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hms-chill · 5 years

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Coming Home

It's been years since either Alex or Henry has had a place that they can really settle into and call 'home'. Luckily, Henry has just bought the perfect one.

Kensington has never felt much like a place Henry lives. It feels like a hotel, a beautifully impersonal place to stay for a few nights before moving on. When Alex visits, he sees more of himself in the warren of rooms than he ever sees of Henry (though that may be due to their differing levels of cleanliness). Henry appears in the little things, in his journals and books and that damn copy of Le Monde that makes Alex feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but even the bedroom still feels like a hotel until Alex plops a bag into an ancient chair and lets his shoes fall haphazardly on the antique rug. He leaves things scattered around the room, and Henry asks if he's trying to spread his manifest destiny to his former ruler.

Alex doesn't say anything, and he certainly doesn't tell Henry that Bea occasionally sends him pictures of Henry wearing the sweatshirts and pajama pants he leaves behind. Those are saved in a special folder on his phone, and the way Henry looks in his clothes, everything a bit too short, is one of the best things he can imagine. Kensington may not look or feel like Henry's home, but it is still a place he can relax. It's a place where he can wear clothes that don't fit quite right but remind him that he's loved, wholly and unconditionally.

Alex especially doesn't tell Henry that he's printed a photo from Bea of Henry and David curled up in an antique chair, Henry wearing Alex's old lacrosse t-shirt and reading his copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban, or that the photo is framed on his desk. He just keeps leaving dirty clothes and battered paperbacks and color coded notes around Henry's rooms as if to scream that someone lives there. Someone lives in these staged rooms, and someone uses this museum furniture, and that someone is dating a queer brown American. Centuries of racist, homophobic monarchy can deal.

The White House bedroom is a bit more Alex's than Kensington is Henry's, but it's not really his, either. The White House is, after all, America's house. His family are essentially long-term renters, and no matter how much he tries to settle in, it's still a borrowed space. In four years, some other first child will come along. They'll find the message behind the wallpaper and the few unsealed windows, and maybe they'll paint over his walls like he painted over Sasha's. Hopefully they'll replace the ugly dog painting in the hallway.

He doesn't have quite the warren Henry does, and Henry doesn't settle into spaces the way Alex does in Kensington, but that doesn't mean he doesn't show up in the White House bedroom. He's in the V&A map hanging beside the congressional schedule and in the stacks of classics beside the Hamilton biography on Alex's bookshelf. When he visits, he doesn't stay in Alex's room, but Alex accumulates more and more little pieces of Henry every time. There's the Smithsonian guide book Henry bought and left, the tickets from their trip up the Washington Monument, and the 'emergency jumper' that Henry stores in Alex's closet and Alex absolutely does not study in. He is far too dignified to cozy up in his boyfriend's sweater and let the too-big sleeves flop over his hands (he doesn't know it, but Henry has a framed photo of him working in the jumper and his glasses, courtesy of June). Still, every time Alex hangs something on a wall or moves something in, it's with the knowledge that he will have to move it out in a few years.

The bedroom in the house in Texas that he'd move it to, though, isn't really Alex's anymore, either. It's the bedroom of the person Alex used to be, before he met the love of his life, found out he was bi, caused an international sex scandal, and learned to stop living ten years down the road. It's the bedroom of a boy who refused to look anywhere but dead ahead, and it shows. For years, there was a family photo on the desk, but he'd shoved it into the back of a drawer sometime during the divorce and never bothered to unearth it. There is a photo of him with June and Nora hanging on a bulletin board, but it's surrounded by old to do lists, tutoring schedules, an out of date calendar, and plans for 2016 campaign stops. The walls are decorated with memorabilia from Ravael Luna's and his mom's first campaigns, nearly covering a lacrosse team poster. It's the bedroom of a boy whose only goal was politics, now foreign and slightly dusty from disuse, and a part of Alex cringes every time he sees it. He wasn't happy when he lived in the room as it is now, not really.

Henry says it's good he doesn't fit the room anymore; it means he's grown in the four years since he lived there. That doesn't mean it's not strange to go home to a place that raised him, but no longer feels like home.

His dad's house out in California is the same way, though it never felt like home. Alex has a room there, but it's never really been his, no matter how many campaign posters he hung on the wall or lists he hid between the matress and the box spring. The lake house is the only place from his childhood that remains unchanged, and it's somewhere indescribably special to him, but it was never fully home. It's a place to relax and recharge, a great vacation home, but it's not somewhere he ever fully moved into.

In short, when Ellen Claremont-Diaz is re-elected, neither Alex nor Henry have a place that truly feels like home. Luckily, Henry's bought one. He's bought a four-bedroom Brooklyn brownstone where they can live together, and when he shows Alex the listing, Alex nearly smothers him in affection. They spend election night curled up in a bed that used to be Alex's, looking through floor plans and photos until they fall asleep.

When he crosses the threshold of the brownstone for the first time, Henry's hand in his, Alex can't help but imagine what it will be. They'll paint the walls and furnish it themselves, and everything in it will be theirs, al theirs. No more beds bought by dead people, no ugly paintings as political gestures, no jumping through hoops to put a nail in the wall and hang one picture. Henry tugs him forward, leading the way through the house they get to settle into together. Sure, another family may have lived here before, but it feels refreshingly new after their old homes. There are no ghosts in these walls, no centuries of previous owners to contend with. It's a new place for their new life together.

Hand in hand, they explore the living room, deciding where to put the TV and how big of a sectional they can fit in the space. They decide which bedroom to share, and Alex calls dibs on an office, and they plan out a decorating scheme for the guest bedroom that all of their friends and family will be comfortable with. They pick paint colors and enlist the help of June, Nora, and as many secret service and PPOs as they can, and by the end of the day, they're sleeping on the floor of a well-painted house.

The next morning, they take their regular fleet of security vans and spend the morning at Ikea, making final furniture decisions over meatballs and enlisting Cash and Amy to help carry boxes. The photo Henry takes of the living room two hours later shows Amy sitting on the couch she's built and Nora leaning against a bookshelf she put together while Alex and Cash are surrounded by a pile of boards and screws that should be an entertainment center. Eventually, a pizza dinner happens on the coffee table, with paper plates, the first card games in the new house, and lots of laughter. That night, they've moved their sleeping bags to a mattress that should go on a bed they haven't built yet.

They take the building and move in process slowly, interspersing it with walks around their new neighborhood and coffee runs to new shops nearby. They've dedicated the second day to their individual offices, but by noon, Alex has spent as much time in Henry's office as he has in his own, and the same is true for Henry. Which means that after lunch, they're dragging Henry's desk and bookshelf into Alex's office, re-organizing a bit, and planning another trip to Ikea to furnish a second guest room in what used to be Henry's office. By the third night, they're sleeping in a bed (though it doesn't have sheets yet), and when the moving van arrives on day four, the furniture is finished and it's beginning to feel like a home.

Day four is dedicated to all of the personal belongings left in their respective former homes. Cash and Amy help with the heavy lifting as Henry fills most of their bookshelves, leaving an anthology of queer fairy tales on the coffee table. Alex settles into the kitchen, hanging pots and pans from a rack on the ceiling and adding a command hook for his apron near his beloved coffee machine. Henry hangs a framed, pressed green carnation from Bea beside two of Alex's framed photos: one of a gay couple holding a sign that says "STAY OUT OF MY OUR BEDROOM" and another of a man whose jacket says "IF I DIE OF AIDS- FORGET BURIAL- JUST DROP MY BODY ON THE STEPS OF THE FDA". Nora stops by with a plant and a pair of pride flags for them, and June brings them a photo book of supportive street art from around the world. Shaan buys Henry an 'out of the closet' mug with queer figures from history on it, and Zahra gets Alex one that says 'Dumbest Creature on Earth' as housewarming gifts, and they find a home between the coffee maker and the electric kettle.

David finds his beds scattered around the house, one in nearly every room so he has a place to go if he needs it. By the fifth night in their new home, Alex walks into the bedroom to find Henry cuddled up and reading under the framed issue of Le Monde, wearing one of Alex's t-shirts with David dozing at his feet. He looks content and settled, and it is the most wonderful sight Alex can imagine.

Notes:

Ya girl's back to working in theatre, and since I got into theatre through set that means I'm back to thinking about physical space. I always feel weird writing about settings in prose, because I love the little details but I feel like describing them detracts from the overall mood and plot. Last time I was struggling with something I wrote up a little firstprince study, and y'all were great, so I'd love any feedback on how space is working for you in this. Is there enough of a balance between little details and bigger plot points? Does the space feel real/like it helps develop character? Let me know!

On AO3

#FirstPrince #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor x alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #rwrb #rw&rb #rwrb fic #my fic: rwrb #june claremont diaz #nora holleran #tooth rotting fluff #my fic:rwrb #Hannah Writes: rwrb

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spamzineglasgow · 4 years

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(REVIEW) All The Poems Contained Within Will Mean Everything To Everyone, by Joe Dunthorne

Is it fiction, is it poetry, is it truth — what are the rules here? Kirsty Dunlop tackles the difficult, yet illustrious art of the poet bio in this review of Joe Dunthorne’s All The Poems Contained Within Will Mean Everything To Everyone (Rough Trade Editions, 2018).

Whenever I read a poetry anthology - I hope I’m not the only one - I go to the bios at the back before I read the poems…it’s also a really strange thing when you publish a poem…you brag about yourself in a text that is supposed to sound distant and academic but is actually you carefully calculating how you’ll present yourself.

> It’s the middle of a night in 2019 and I’m listening to a podcast recording from Rough Trade Editions’ first birthday party at the London Review Bookshop, and this is Dunthorne’s intro to the reading from his pamphlet All The Poems Contained Within Will Mean Everything To Everyone (2018). As I lie there in that strange limbo space of my own insomnia, Dunthorne’s side-note to his work feels comfortingly intimate because it rings so true (the kind of thing you might admit to a friend over a drink after a poetry reading rather than in the performative space of the reading itself). Like Joe, and yes surely many others, I am also fascinated by bios - particularly because I find them so awkward to write/it makes me cringe writing my own/this is definitely the kind of thing you overthink late at night. Bios also function as this alternative narrative on the margins of the central creative work and they do tell a story: take any bio out of context and it can be read as a piece of flash fiction. When we are asked to write bios, there is this unspoken expectation that we follow certain rules in our use of language, tone and content. Side note: how weird would it be if we actually spoke about ourselves in this pompous third person perspective irl?! Bios themselves are limbo spaces (another kind of side note!) where there is much left unsaid and often the unsaid and the little that is said reveals a lot. Of course, some bios are also very, very long. Dunthorne’s pamphlet plays with this limbo space as a site of narrative and poetic potential: prior to All The Poems, I had never read a short story actually written through the framework of a list of poet bios. The result is an incredibly funny, honest and playful piece of meta poetic prose that teases out all the subtle aspects of the poet bio-sphere and ever since that first listen, I can’t stop myself re-reading.

> This work is an exciting example of how formal constraints in writing can actually create an exhilarating sense of narrative liberation. I see this really playful, fluid Oulipo quality to the writing, where the process of using the bio as constraint is what makes the rollercoaster reading experience so satisfying as well as revealing a theatrical stage for language to have its fun, where the reality of our own calculated self performance can be teased out bio by bio. The re-reading opens up a new level of comedy each time often at the level of wordplay. I’ll maybe reveal some more of that in a wee bit.

> It’s a winding road that Dunthorne takes us on in his narrative journey where the micro and the macro continually fall inside each other. So perhaps this review will also be quite winding. Here is another entry into the text: we begin reading about the protagonist Adam Lorral from the opening sentence, who we realise fairly quickly is struggling to put together a ground-breaking landmark poetry anthology. His bio crops up repeatedly in varying forms:

‘Adam Lorral, born 1985 is a playwright, translator and the editor-publisher of this anthology.’

‘Adam Lorral is a playwright, translator and the man who, morning after morning, stood barefoot on his front doorstep […]’

‘Adam Lorral is a playwright, translator and someone for whom the date Monday, October 14th, 2017 has enormous meaning. Firstly Adam’s son started smiling.’

The driving circularity of this repetition pushes the narrative onwards, whilst the language is never bogged down: it hopscotches along and we can’t help but join in the game. Amidst a growing list of other characters/poets- that Adam may or may not include in this collection he seems to be pouring/ draining his energy into, with just a little help from his wife’s family money- tension begins to build.

> Although Adam is overtly the protagonist in the story, to my mind it is, in fact, Adam’s four-week-old son who is the real heroic figure. Of course this baby doesn’t have a bio of his own but he does continually creep into Adam’s (he’s another side note!). He comes off as the only genuine character: there is no performance, no judgement, he just is. Adam is continually amazed by his son’s mental and physical development which is far more impressive than the growth of this questionable anthology. The baby is this god-like figure, continually present during Adam’s struggles, with the seemingly small moments of its development taking on monumental significance. Adam might try to immerse himself fully in this creative work but the reality of his family surroundings will constantly interrupt. This self-deprecating, reflective tone led me to think about how Dunthorne expansively explores the idea of the contemporary poet and artist identity through metanarrative. In Ben Lerner’s The Hatred of Poetry (Fitzcarraldo Editions, 2016), he writes ‘There is embarrassment for the poet – couldn’t you get a real job and put your childish ways behind you?’ In a recent online interview with the poet Will Harris[1], when asked about his own development as a writer, he spoke about how the career trajectory of a poet is a confusing phenomenon and I’ve heard many other poets speak of this too: there are perhaps milestones to pass but they are not rigid or obvious and, of course, they are set apart from the milestones of more ‘adult’, professional pursuits. I think Dunthorne’s short story accurately captures this confusion around artistic, personal and intellectual growth and the navigation of the poetry community, through these minute, telling observations and the rejection of a simplistic narrative linearity. The story doesn’t make any hard or fast judgements: like the character of the baby, the observations just are. Sometimes, it feels like this project could be one of the most important aspects of Adam’s life (it might even make or break it) and we are there with him and at other moments it seems quite irrelevant to the bigger picture, particularly as the bios get more ridiculous. Here, I just have to highlight one of the bios which perfectly evokes this heightened sense of a poet’s importance:

Peter Daniels’ seventh collection The Animatronic Tyrannosaurus of Guadalajara, is forthcoming with Welt Press. He will not let anyone forget that he edited Unpersoned, a prize-winning book of creative transcriptions of immigration interviews obtained by the Freedom of Information Act, even though it was published nearly two decades ago. His poetry has been overlooked for all previous generational anthologies and it is only thanks to the fine-tuned sensibilities of this book’s editor that has he finally become one of the chosen. You would expect him to be grateful.

> Okay…so I said above that there weren’t hard or fast judgements; maybe I should retract that slightly. The text definitely doesn’t feel like a cruel critique of poets generally (its comedy is too clever for that) but, yes, there are a fair few judgements from Adam creeping into those bios. I am so impressed with the way in which Dunthorne is able to expertly navigate Adam’s perspective through all these fragments to create this growing humour, as the character can’t help inserting his own opinions into other poets’ bios. Of course, we are also able to make our own judgements about Adam and his endearing naivety: shout out here to my fave character in the story, Joy Goold (‘exhilaratingly Scottish’) who has submitted the poem, Fake Lake, to the anthology. Hopefully if you’re Scottish, you can appreciate the comedy of this title. Adam Googles her and cannot find any trace of her, which feels perfect…almost too good to be true.

> Dunthorne plays with cliché overtly throughout the text. You could say all the poets in this story are exaggerated clichés but that certainly doesn’t make them boring: it just adds to the knowing intimacy that, yes, feels slightly gossipy (which I can’t help but enjoy). For example, there is the poet who has:

[…] won every major UK poetry prize and long ago dispensed with modesty […] Though he does not need the money he teaches on the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. His latest collection is Internal Flight (Faber/FSG). He divides his time between London and New York because they are both lovely.

I am leaving out a fair bit of this bio because I don’t want to take away some of the joy of simply reading this text in its entirety but it is one of many tongue-in-cheek observations that feels very accurate and over-the-top at the same time (I feel like everyone in the poetry community knows this person). It is also even more knowing when you consider that Dunthorne actually has published a collection with Faber, O Positive (2019), a totally immersive read that also doesn’t shy away from poking fun at its speaker throughout. I always like seeing the ideas that repeatedly crop up in a writer’s work and explorations of calculation and cliché are at the forefront of this collection. I keep thinking of this line from the poem ‘Workshop Dream’:

We stepped onto the beach. The water made the sound: cliché, cliché, cliché.

Interestingly, there is this hypnotising dream-like quality to O Positive - with shape shifting figures, balloonists, owls-in-law – in contrast to the hyper realism I experienced in the Rough Trade pamphlet. However, like All the Poems, in O Positive, we’re always one step inside the writing, one step outside, watching the poem/short story being written. It’s this continual sensation of being very close to failure and embarrassment/cringe. (I can also draw parallels here between Dunthorne’s exploration of this theme and the poet Colin Herd who speaks so brilliantly about the relation between poetry and embarrassment- see our SPAM interview.) Failure is just inevitable in this narrative set up. It makes the turning point of the narrative- when it arrives- all the funnier:

As Adam typed, he hummed the chorus to the Avril Lavigne song–why d’you have to go and make things so complicated?–and smiled to himself because he was keeping things simple. Avril Lavigne. Adam Lorral. Their names were a bit similar. He was looking for a sign and here one was.

> If it isn’t clear already, this is a story that I could continually quote from but to truly appreciate the work, you should read it in its beautiful slim pamphlet format created by Rough Trade Editions. For me, the presentation of this work is as important as the form: this story would have a different effect and tone if it was nestled inside a short story collection. I think a lot of the most exciting creative writing right now is being published by the innovative small indie presses springing up around the UK. Recently I listened to a great podcast by Influx Press, featuring the writer Isabel Waidner: they spoke about both the value of small presses taking risks with writers and the importance of recognising prose as an experimental field, rightly recognising that experimental work often seems to begin with, or be connected to, the poetry community. Waidner’s observation felt like something I had been waiting to hear…and a change that I had noticed in writing being published in the last few years in the UK. I could mention so many examples alongside the work of Rough Trade Books: Waidners’s We are Made of Diamond Stuff (2019), published by Manchester-based Dostoyevsky Wannabe, Eley William’s brilliant Attrib. and Other Stories (Influx Press, 2017), the many exciting hybrid works put out by Prototype Publishing, to name just a few. There is also a growing interest in multimedia work, for example Visual Editions, who publish texts designed to be read on your phone through their series Editions at Play (Joe Dunthorne did a brilliant digital-born collaborative text with Sam Riviere in 2016, The Truth About Cats & Dogs, I would highly recommend!). But this concept of combining the short story with a pamphlet format, created by Rough Trade Books as part of their Rough Trade Editions’ twelve pamphlet series, feels particularly exciting to me and is a reminder of why I love the expansive possibilities of shorter prose pieces. Through its physical format, we are reminded that this is a prose work you can read like a series of poems without losing the narrative tension that is so central to fiction. The expansiveness of the reading possibilities of Dunthorne’s short story also reminds me of Lydia Davis’s short-short stories. Here’s one I love taken from The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis (Penguin Books, 2009):

They take turns using a word they like

“It’s extraordinary,” says one woman. “It is extraordinary,” says the other.

You could read this as a sound bite, an extract from an article, a writing exercise or a short story, the possibilities go on; there is a space created for the reader and consequently it encourages the unravelling of re-reading (which feels like a very poetic mode to me). Like Davis, Dunthorne’s work also highlights how seemingly simple language can be very powerful and take on many subtle faces and tones. I think short forms are so difficult to get right but when you encounter all the elements of language, tone, pacing, style, space, tension brought together effectively (or calculatingly as Dunthorne might say), it can create this immersive, highly intimate back-and-forth play with the reader.

> All The Poems Contained Within Will Mean Everything to Everyone. The title tells us there is a collection of poems here that are hidden: the central work has disappeared leaving behind the shadowy remains of the editor’s frustration and the marginalia of the bios. We feel the presence of the poems despite not actually reading them. The pamphlet’s blurb states that this: ‘is the story of the epiphanies that come with extreme tiredness; that maybe, just maybe the greatest poetry book of all is one that contains no poems.’ The narrative, as well as making fun of itself, also recognises that poetry exists beyond the containment of the poems themselves: it can be found in the readings, the performances, the politics, the drafts, the difficulties, the funding, the collaboration, the collectivity, the bios.

> A friend of mine recently asked me: Where are all the prose parties?…And what might a prose party look like? We were chatting about how a poetry party sounds much cooler (that’s maybe why there’s more of them). I think prose is often aligned with more conventional literary forms, maybe closed off in a way that poetry is seen to be able to liberate, but I think Dunthorne breaks down these preconceptions and binaries around form and modes of reading in All The Poems. I want to be at whatever prose party he’s throwing.

[1] University of Glasgow’s Creative Conversations, Sophie Collins interviewing Will Harris, Monday 4th May 2020 (via Zoom)

Text: Kirsty Dunlop Published: 10/7/20

#review #reviews #Rough Trade Books #Joe Dunthorne #Kirsty Dunlop #poetry #poet bios

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sophieakatz · 5 years

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Thursday Thoughts: I Am Proud Of My Fanfiction

The other day, I met with an aspiring creative who wanted to pick my brain about my experiences as a writer. I told her about the plays I worked on in school, the shows I helped bring to life in the Disney Parks, and my novel-in-progress, Tali’s Flowers.

“I haven’t worked on it in a while,” I said. “I love that story, but I keep working on other things instead.”

“Do you not love the other things you’re working on?” she asked me.

The question caught me by surprise, and I laughed a bit – partly because I laugh when I’m surprised, but mostly because the “other things” I keep working on instead of my novel are fanfiction.

You are currently reading this post on my professional writing blog. If you’ve been following me for a while, then you know that I often post links to my fanfiction here. When I first created this blog, I was hesitant to do so. Fanfiction has a reputation of being unprofessional. It’s considered a “lesser” art form to original fiction. I have another Tumblr account for reblogging gifsets and videos and other nerdy, less-than-professional social media things. I considered keeping my fanfiction over there, if I posted it at all.

Ultimately, I decided that this blog is for my writing – all of my writing that I love, that I am proud of, and that I want to share with the world. And that writing includes fanfiction.

Why?

I could say that writing and posting fanfiction is a vital part of my professional development. I spent five incredible months as the Disney Parks Live Entertainment Show Writer Intern, and all the shows I helped bring to life as a part of that internship were, arguably, “official” fanfiction. I was not only assigned but also paid to write new adventures for characters from movies I fell in love with as a child. I put words into the mouths of the Toy Story gang and explored the fan club culture of the world of The Incredibles. Being able to do that again, to make a living writing new stories for characters the world already loves, is one of my career goals.

But that isn’t the whole story. Not everyone who writes fanfiction will ever do so for money, or even wants to. And even if I knew without a doubt that I would never have the chance to write for Disney or any entertainment company ever again, I would still write and post fanfiction.

Because not only do I love writing fanfiction, but I am also proud of my fanfiction.

I am proud of the quality of my fanfiction.

I’m afflicted by the same curse that many writers have: once a story of mine is out in the world, I usually can’t read it again without cringing.

It is a rare delight to write something, return to it a month later, and still like it. This is a natural consequence of improving my craft as a writer, combined with dubiously-healthy doses of anxiety and imposter syndrome.

But there are times, blessed times, when I enjoy rereading my own writing, when I know without a doubt that what I penned was good. I’ve had a lot of those moments while writing fanfiction. Sure, humility is a virtue and putting yourself down is “cool” these days, but I’ve spent years working and learning and improving my craft – I have a Bachelor’s Degree in this, for crying out loud – and it shows!

Lena closed her fingers around the keys, and she put the closed fist to her chest. And all at once it hit her that she was here to stay, and she began to cry. And then Webby was back in front of her, kissing her first on the forehead and then on the beak, and then she threw her arms around Lena’s neck, and Scrooge had a hand on each of their shoulders, and their limbs were good, strong roots that reached so deep into the earth that nothing could ever pull them away, and Lena knew that she was home at last.

The previous paragraph is the final lines of The Sunchaser Grill, a crossover fanfic of Disney’s DuckTales TV show, the 1996 film The Spitfire Grill, and the 2001 Off-Broadway musical adaptation of the same name. And yes, I know how bizarre that sounds. Bizarre stuff happens in this story. But that paragraph is one of my favorite things that I’ve ever written. I am proud to say that whenever I reread it, it makes me smile.

I am proud that my fanfiction comes from a spirit of joy and fun.

There’s a place in the world for sad stories. Sometimes I even write them. But overwhelmingly, my writing steers towards the positive. I write the fics that I write because I know I’ll have a good time writing them.

I wrote Sunchaser Grill because it delighted me how well the characters from one work fit the character roles of the other. I wrote Hang In There because I wanted to imagine the Thirteenth Doctor going back to give a young River Song a bit of hope, in a moment that Doctor Who canon might never give us. I wrote so, so many fics for this last Weblena Month because that little lesbian couple makes me so, so happy. And once, way back in high school, I wrote a 600-word fic about Shere Khan from The Jungle Book meeting Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, just because I thought it would be funny.

I’m proud of the spirit of joy that powers my writing, and I’m proud of the stories that have grown from that joy.

It’s not just about me, though.

I am proud that my fanfiction brings joy to and has meaning for other people.

During my internship with Disney Parks Live Entertainment, I saw children laugh, dance, and play along with the shows I wrote. As that internship neared its end, I naturally felt sad at the thought of not making children laugh with my stories anymore.

Almost on cue, I received an email notification from one of my old accounts. Someone had just left a comment on that “Shere Khan meets Tigger” story I mentioned before. This was in 2018. I wrote that story in 2011.

This is such a perfect crossover! And both tigers are completely in character. Shere Khan is trying to hunt, but gets interrupted by an excited, bouncy Tigger. As a result, Shere Khan is annoyed and Tigger doesn’t let anything bother him.

P.S. My eight-year-old daughter liked it, too.

It hit me then that I had already been creating stories that made children laugh even before Disney hired me, and there was no reason why I had to stop.

I want to tell stories that mean something to other people. Fanfiction has given me the opportunity for that desire to be not just a dream for someday, but something that I can do right here, right now. It’s allowed me to see the impact my writing can have, the impact that I want it to have, on other people’s lives.

Here are a few of the comments that people have left on my fanfiction over the years:

thank you. Just - thank you. And good night; I will finally go to bed, now. – on a Hunger Games fanfic in 2011

An adorable ending to a magical story. I got tears in my eyes, you know, and I almost never cry. :) – on one of my Alice in Wonderland fanfics in 2012

Thank you for giving more depth to an already-amazing character. – on one of my Rune Factory 3 fanfics in 2016

I've been wanting to comment since Chapter One but I couldn't think of something to say. Seeing this story updated just makes my day better and it's so well written and I'm invested in the plot. Just...good job <3. – on that Spitfire Grill fic in 2018

I really love this, it's amazing how you showed the piano and music as something that makes sense in the middle of all confusion and it's amazing to see it as something that can help so much. To me personally piano has been incredibly important so reading this fic just... I have tears in my eyes right now and I don't know how to express how amazing this fic is for me to read. – on one of my Ducktales fics in 2018

This part hit me tbh, this is something I’ve said nearly verbatim when talking about my own fear that no one would ever want to be in a relationship with me… I just want to say how much I love this entire series. – on one of my 2019 Weblena Week fics

People read fanfiction because they want to spend more time with the characters they love, because they want to laugh or cry, because they want to see themselves and their experiences reflected in media. I am proud to create those experiences for other people.

Of course I love the “other things” I keep working on. Of course I love my fanfiction. Someday I’ll finish Tali’s Flowers, or a different novel, or a movie, or a play, and people will call it my “debut” and ask me how it feels to have finally “made it.” And I’ll be proud, of course I’ll be proud. But I’m already proud. I have every reason to be.

#writing #fanfiction #writblr #writer problems #writers of tumblr #thursday thoughts #introspective #nonfiction

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arbitrarygreay · 6 years

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Soft Power (the play with a musical)

#soft power #soft power (musical)#david henry hwang #conrad ricamora #musical #jeanine tesori #leigh silverman #alyse alan louis #definitely deserves the actress tony if this makes it to broadway #sam pinkleton #category: musicals

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amcnh · 7 years

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Cub Sport

If their story was a film, it would forever be my favorite. It has all my ideal elements: slow burn romance, music, travel and gay leads. Tim Nelson and Sam “Bolan” Netterfield met at school. Bolan’s mother recalls her son coming home one day and telling her he met a boy who played the piano really well and that he wanted to learn to play like him. Tim and Bolan became fast friends. They started spending more and more time together and eventually playing music together. The group – since 2013, called Cub Sport – took off. Buzzy EPs turned into hit singles turned into a highly anticipated debut album. Cub Sport, made up of, yes, Tim and Bolan but also bassist Zoe Davis and drummer Dan Puusaari, was officially a successful project. The band was together a lot, recording and touring and promoting, and Tim and Bolan were spending pretty much all their time together. Both admit now that, at the level they could have clocked or allowed it, they realized quite early on in their friendship that they were in love with each other, but, both raised in super religious environments, were not willing or ready to address that let alone their gayness. While on tour in America during 2016, however, things unsaid finally were spoken. They describe it all much better, and it makes me swoon, so here are some quotes:

Tim to OUT Magazine:

“I went on a writing trip in the middle of 2015 for about a month and I missed Bolan (Sam) so much. I started to recognise that I was in love with him, but I had a lot of fear and denial to work through. In the middle of 2016, we went on a two-month overseas tour. Being away from the reminders and restrictions of normal life back home was really instrumental in us feeling like we had the freedom to explore and pursue what had been building between us.

The Orlando attack happened while we were on tour in the U.S. and it was not only a reminder of how fleeting our time on earth can be, but a big wakeup call that if we just embraced who we really were we could also try to help inspire and encourage young queer people facing the same internal battles we were both experiencing. We went to Pride festival in Denver around the same time and the atmosphere was really supportive and beautiful.”

Bolan to The Guardian, discussing the impact Hanya Yanagihara’s A Little Life had on his relationship with Tim:

“I think I had buried so deeply within me what I really wanted that it took me seeing it play out in fiction to actually have the clarity and perspective to look at my own situation and give me strength to realise that life is too short not to follow… I think I realised early in the book I was drawing direct correlation with those characters and with myself, then seeing one character die really shook me. I was suddenly hit with the notion that if Tim was to die, how could I have not said something. I realised I had to put everything on the line and I was willing to potentially jeopardise and lose our friendship to get everything that I suddenly realised I wanted and needed.”

On the final night of their American tour in that summer of 2016, after a long night of partying and celebrating, Bolan, as told to The Guardian, finally addressed his feelings to Tim. He recalled saying, “’I don’t want this to ruin our friendship but I want to be with you, I love you and I want to be with you forever,’ and then Tim started to cry and said, ‘So do I.’” It’s adorable and happy and lovely. Bolan, in an interview with triple j about their relationship, said, “We fell in love over the course of about eight years.” That’s some fucking cinematic shit.

They’ve been so generous in sharing the personal details of their story. It influences their sophomore record BATS that they self-released this year (we’re getting to that), but it also is a generous, helpful decision to be so open. This year in Australia’s clusterfuck of a marriage equality “debate,” a lot of queer kids were left confused and isolated and scared. To see Bolan and Tim happy and proud, as they’ve said, meant a lot to their young fans. Beyond the adorable story of it all, it’s been for good.

Now, the record. BATS, sonically, is a shift from Cub Sport’s previous work. Tim, the lyricist and vocalist for the group, cites A Seat At The Table and Blonde as huge inspiration for the project. Content wise, the record documents their romance. To Notion, Tim said, “It more-or-less follows my personal journey from the moment I admitted to myself that I was gay, to coming to terms with being in love with my best friend/bandmate Bolan (Sam), finally acknowledging the situation a year later and to then coming out and getting together.” He further told Music-News, “Bolan’s and my story rolls out over this list of songs, more-or-less in this order – ‘Chasin’,’ ‘Look After Me’, ‘Crush,’ ‘Solo III,’ ‘Bats,’ ‘Give It To Me (Like You Mean It),’ ‘O Lord’ and ‘Banyo Blue.’” And if you read the lyrics to those tracks, the details – starkly honest and evocative – are all there.

“Chasin’” was the song Tim wrote after returning from his trips to Los Angeles and London to write, when he realized his feelings for Bolan. He said he wrote it without fully understanding what it was saying at the time. Now, it’s clear. It’s a song about fear and confusion. “I’m trying to be honest and live deliberately. Is it delusional to think that I can do this? Time always makes me doubt what’s coming out me.” To Notion, Tim said, “Sam had heard ‘Chasin’’ in its original demo form for about nine months before we actually had the conversation. He said he already knew what it was about so I guess that helped inform him that what he was feeling was reciprocated, even though I hadn’t had the courage to say it out loud in words.”

On “Look After Me,” Tim is sensing something. “There’s something in the way you look at me like I’ve never done wrong.” It’s visceral – that, “I think maybe he feels this way because I see this look in his eyes, but am I just seeing things because I want to see things or am I seeing the truth?” It’s a rhythmic, interior processing.

“Crush” sees that post-tour, mid-celebration conversation when they first opened up to each other. “And you whisper to me 'Why are you crying?’ I think it's from the years of trying to try and push you from me. I didn't know who I was meant to be. Did I crush you with the things I wouldn't say? Did I hurt you on the way? How am I so lucky that you waited for me.” We’re there, hearing and seeing this moment. It’s a lot.

“Solo III” is, indeed, inspired by Frank Ocean’s songs on Blonde. “We keep blazin', playing ‘Solo,’ and now we've got our song. And I believe in me and you. We make each other strong. And here it is, my first love song. It didn't even take that long. Now I'm not laying solo.” This marks a first – them, honest and together, celebrating their love and its newness. To Junkee, Tim shared the importance Blonde and “Solo” played in their relationship: “That album came out pretty soon after [we got together] and for the first few times, every time we got to ‘Solo’ I would cry. I was like, ‘I can’t believe I get to have what we’ve got.’ It immediately became our song, but the lyrics didn’t match up with our situation at all, and so I wanted to take from that and make it out own. And I think the melody’s just different enough that we could get away with using it.” Tim asks, “Oh, what did I do, do I deserve you?” This line’s a reminder that, yeah, we’re getting the timeline of their relationship, but Tim is writing these songs. We’re getting his feelings on what’s going on here – the disbelief, the joy.

“Bats,” if you’re a fan of the pair’s Snapchats, makes total sense. For the unacquainted, Tim clarified to Music-News: “The house we were living in when I recorded BATS was just up the hill from a creek that had a huge colony of bats living along its banks. Bolan and I would walk our dogs down there each evening and watch the bats fill the sky (usually soundtracked by Frank Ocean – ‘White Ferrari’ playing off my phone). I’d often put it on my Snapchat story and one day someone from Texas replied and said that they’d see the same thing there. It inspired the opening lyrics of the song ‘Bats.’ ‘Bats in the sky, it looks like Texas. I like this time because it reminds us we can be anywhere, that doesn’t change us, nothing can change us now.’ ‘Bats’ the song felt like it really represented the vibe/story of the album which is why we decided to make it the title track. There was always something exciting and emotive about seeing thousands of bats fill the sky and I wanted that visual to represent the collection of songs.” The lyrics refer to “Solo” and Tim’s overseas writing trips again, saying, “I've been on flights. I've seen some sights, but I didn't feel it. Just there to write. If I fly again, it won't be solo 'cause that got me so low.” “Bats” is a quiet, peaceful celebration of their togetherness and inseparability. He says, “You’re the reason that I keep on tryin.”

The next song on their timeline is the record’s most chilled track. Co-written and featuring vocals from Sarah Blasko (an eternal favorite of mine), “Give It To Me (Like You Mean It)” is a flat-out love song. An adoration song, even. “I like that light on your face. You are my favourite place.” “I could just watch you move. Everything you do just makes me…” It could be cringe, but, fuck, it isn’t. It’s really rather beautiful.

“O Lord” is the first single they chose to bring out ahead of BATS. It was a brave choice seeing as the first thirty-seven seconds are Tim and Bolan harmonizing without any instruments, but it was also a way of announcing, “Hey, things are a bit different now.” The visuals for the track are as stunning as the song, showing Tim and Bolan embracing in some muted neony, pastelish colors. This is their “radical softness.” This is the Solange influence. Tim told The FADER, “This video challenges everything I grew up believing about masculinity, beauty and homosexuality — it's super liberating to create this video and feel free from judgment, both internally and externally.” Lyrically, this marks a step away from the portrayal of the new, intense love. Tim says, “I was free to be my true self, I was finally in a relationship with the love of my life and I had full love and support from my friends and family, but what I didn’t expect was the realisation that when you get everything you’ve ever wanted you suddenly have everything to lose. This song ended up being my way of grappling with those feelings.” To the world, as a return, as an inviting in, as a reinvention of sound and style, “O Lord” really fucking works.

“Banyo Blue,” the final track on the standard version of BATS, leaves us with the most updated glimpse into their relationship. This is them settled. This is, “Yeah, the world is really intense and not wonderful, but, here, with each other and choosing each other, we’re gonna be good.” Tim asks, “Can we be a story throughout the ages?” He says, “I write about you. I could go on for pages,” and “I just kind of feel like I have found my light. The rest’s not perfect, but it’s fine when you’re tight.” Here, this love that they have so damn graciously shared with us and painstakingly and beautifully documented for us, is good. It’s ongoing and it’s committed. The confusion and shame of the past is gone, and shit’s still bad elsewhere, but in this honesty and in this sharing, they’re gonna be okay. (Since the recording of BATS, Tim and Bolan got engaged and are getting married next year, a thing they can now legally do because Australia just legalized marriage equality [s/o to queer Australians dragged through that dehumanizing process, btw]) I’m emotional.

Now, I gush. The details of Tim and Bolan’s story make the record a living, immersive, gripping experience. It’s truly the shit great films and novels are made of. If you don’t know what every song’s about, it’s still a moving work. In an essay he penned for The Line Of Best Fit, Tim said, “For me, getting to a place where I could really connect with myself and write, unguarded, from the heart has been a journey that has taken me over a decade.” I truly love their past material. Their first full-length album This Is Our Vice is a record I still listen to every week, without skipping a song. The songwriting is clever and the lyrics are insightful. But, here with BATS and (again) the brave decision to share their story and illuminate the details of each song, there’s something else happening. It’s, as they dubbed, truly some “radical softness.” Tim said, “BATS is a product of queer love and I hope it can be a comfort and encouragement for the LGBTQI community and our allies during this time.” It is.

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@anaserhall

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bettsfic · 7 years

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stuff i’ve learned about writing after 1 year in an MFA program

my post “stuff i’ve learned about writing after 10 weeks in an MFA program” was a big hit, so i thought i’d write an updated one after two full semesters in my program, which is halfway through. one more year to go!

find what you’re afraid of and let it hurt you. this is a tall order and it’s one of the most important things i’ve learned. if you’re hesitant, if you’re blocked, if something is keeping you from moving forward, recognize that thing is always fear, and the sooner you put a name to it, the sooner you face it, the sooner you embrace it and let it do its damage to you. you don’t have to be immune to fear, and you don’t have to be stronger than it or better than it. you can let it knock you down and kick you a few times, but you’ve got to stand back up. you don’t need to be impenetrable -- fuck having a thicker skin. you can let shit hurt you. you can drown in how afraid you are. but you have to be tenacious. if your writing is important to you, you’ve got to fight for it.

you can do whatever the hell you want, for whatever reason you want, and you don’t owe anybody anything. in workshop we talk a lot about who can get away with what in writing (and by that we mean, white men can get away with everything). sometimes i read faulkner and i think, i hate this. this is everything i can’t stand about writing. but i respect that he got away with all his weird quirks -- useless repetition of words, minimal revision, overwrought exposition, atrocious pacing. all the rules we give ourselves, all these constraints are useless. like. fine, tell don’t show. use hanging participles and run-on sentences. invert freytag’s pyramid. ramble. lean into your purple prose. it doesn’t matter, none of it matters. if you like it, keep it. you don’t have to justify your own taste. and if someone calls you out? shrug and say, “stylistic choice, buddy. i do what i want.” it’s important to know the rules exist but it’s more important to break them. it’s your writing, nobody else’s. your words answer to no one.

be vulnerable. i’m a little biased since this was also my new year’s resolution, but it’s been a wild ride. i told myself in january that my focus this year was going to be on allowing myself to be vulnerable all the time, take opportunities and communicate with people how i feel about them, and it’s had a huge impact not only on my life and relationships, but on my writing too. opening myself up to non-judgmental introspection and setting down the drive to be tough has made my work way more emotionally nuanced -- i no longer write to tell a good story, but to explore some facet of living i hadn’t previously understood. i’ve found a level of self-acceptance i didn’t think i could ever achieve. reading has become easier, because i no longer get petty or jealous of writing that is better than mine. receiving rejections has become easier, because it’s a reflection on my work, but i still appreciate the work for what it is. it’s kind of amazing living life like this, and some days it’s hard but some days it’s thrilling. but vulnerability, like everything else, takes practice. you know when you confront it because it’s about leaning into discomfort and testing the limits of your own boundaries. being able to write it all down and see how all sorts of interactions affect me now where previously i wouldn’t have let them in is kind of staggering -- the difference is so obvious. i’m a kinder and gentler and more open person because of it, and i think my writing shows that.

become a good literary citizen. being a good literary citizen means watching out for your fellow writers. i subscribe to so many daily newsletters and do so much research every day, and i’m always looking out for my friends, for opportunities for them or resources that might help them. when i read things i like, i try to share them with people who will get something out of them, and i’ve been working harder to get in touch with the author to let them know their work inspired me. i reply to all emails and offer my feedback to writers who want an additional eye on their work. i didn’t realize i guess how much of writing was networking and being a good bro, but i feel like my time is split solidly between reading, writing, and building partnerships with other writers. don’t be afraid to reach out to people you admire and offer whatever you have to give, be it your appreciation for their work or a story or article you think they might like. the writing life is often a lonely one, but being a good literary citizen makes it a much better place for all of us.

talent is meaningless. everyone can learn to write. “you’re so talented!” is a compliment i hear thrown around a lot, and it makes me cringe, because i don’t really believe in talent. i believe that some people might have genetic inclinations or predispositions to creativity, they might fundamentally see the world in a way that would lend itself to beautiful strings of words, but writing, brass-tacks, is a discipline. it is a learned skill, and that means when you start out, you are going to be bad at it. you wouldn’t expect yourself to grab a log and a saw and be able to make a coffee table out of sheer talent, but you might be able to build the table if you experimented a little with it, thought about it, researched it, and maybe took it to someone who had already built a few tables before to give you their input on the project. and then once you’ve built your table, maybe it’s not great, but it’s something, and the next one you build will be sturdier and fancier and maybe have a little drawer for your keys or something. i say this because there are some authors, really famous ones, who believe that you can’t teach writing, and you can’t learn writing. you’re either a writer or you’re not. it’s just not true. you are going to be bad and that’s okay. you’re going to get better and that’s okay too. you’re never going to get better at the pace you want to improve, but the point is as long as you keep writing, keep asking for feedback, keep implementing that feedback, keep thinking about writing, you are going to get better, and you can be just as great as all the famous authors who think otherwise.

battle familiarity. this is more or less the usual “avoid cliches” advice you hear all the time, but on a bigger-picture level. avoiding cliches doesn’t just mean rewording things like “she let go of the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding,” but constantly subverting expected language by pointing to whatever is weird about the scene you’re writing. if you have two characters in a diner, we can see the booths and the coffee and the sassy middle-aged waitress. readers don’t need any of that pointed out. what they need is details they wouldn’t expect. maybe the booths are covered in peeling electrical tape, and the one closest to the door has a spring jutting out, but normally that’s rasheed’s booth anyway, but he isn’t here today for some reason. maybe the coffee has chicory in it. maybe the waitress wears air jordans and has a gold front tooth and a sleeve tattoo, and she’s the mom of a guy you went to high school with and you’re pretty sure he’s a sheepherder in nova scotia now. whenever you’re establishing place or character, the task isn’t fitting them in a box we’re already comfortable with, but constantly asking yourself, “what makes this weird?” then point out all the weird things until you can close your eyes and see every strange inch of this otherworldly diner that doesn’t really exist anywhere but your imagination, filled with people who have full, rounded, fucked-up lives. write in a way that every word defies expectation, and reflects the strangeness of the experiences you want to convey.

TAKE RISKS. this is a repeat from the 10 week article, but good god, it’s so important. take a risk every single day. risks nearly always pay off, especially in writing. if you’ve faced your fears, if you’re vulnerable, then writing becomes more than a discipline. stories get bigger and deeper and more meaningful even if you’re focusing on the microscopic. you can write a 200-word story about a dying houseplant or a 200k novel about a gay Civil War romance, but if you’ve put everything you’ve got into it, it’ll show. you should put so much of yourself into your writing that you’re trembling holding the pages in your hand as you pass them off to someone else to read. you should feel exposed. you should be afraid. you should feel like you’ve just jumped out of an airplane without a parachute. and if you’re not feeling those things, you’ve got some exploring to do. what does the story look like that makes you afraid? that makes you want to take risks? if you stare these questions down and commit to finding their answers, your writing will always improve, and your risks will pay off.

i have a whole writing advice tag if you want to check out my other stuff, and a collection of my writing advice posts from 2016. and always feel free to shoot me an ask if you have any writing-related questions.

#writing advice #dow17

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imogenrosemusi1142 · 6 years

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TULLARA tells it like it is.

TULLARA is one of Australia’s most exciting up-and-coming folk singer/songwriters. At 24, she is nearly a decade into a career journey that has garnered her acclaim across the folk festival circuit, taken her overseas to Ireland and Europe, and produced the EP Better Hold On.

Rose Callaghan - her drummer of the last 18 months - joins her on tour, as they talk about the artistry, business, and mental health of being a young working performer.

ROSE ~ You’re an incredible guitarist, how did you come to learn the instrument and how has it shaped your artistry?

TULLARA ~ I started learning guitar when I was 13. My mother is a firm believer in musical influence. [There are] five kids in my family - I’m the youngest - and she made us all learn piano when we were younger. I went through year 7 without learning any [new] instrument, and she was like “alright, come on, you gotta pick something now ‘cause you need to be learning”. I was quite lucky with my [first guitar] teacher - he didn’t know too much about theory, but he played everything by ear, and so I’d take him a CD with my favourite songs on it and he’d listen to it and quickly learn it in a couple of minutes and teach it to me.

- Pretty unorthodox!

Right from the start [I] was learning how to use my ear, because I’d watch him do it and try the same thing at home.

•

Did you voice develop before or after?

I always mucked around. I didn’t really sing so much until I was maybe… 13? The singing sort of went hand in hand [with playing guitar]. I was 14 when I did my first music eisteddfod [a Welsh term for competitive events in the arts], and I won! [Mum asked my] sister’s old singing teacher “what do you think of her voice?” [and] she said “oh, it does need a bit of work, but god, can she play that guitar!” I was playing constantly. Mum talks about me following her around the farm, being like “listen to this/what do you think of this?”. [My] singing eventually got better as well… and then I started songwriting.

Was there a particular music scene that nurtured your early career, and how did you find your way into it?

I went to my first folk festival when I was 16, just as a punter. Then I went to Woodford Folk Festival, and that was life-changing. That’s when I was like, “wow, music is what I want to do”. I met John Butler at Woodford, who was [one of] my idols at the time. He signed my guitar! A month later I played at Tamworth Music Festival, and mum entered me in CCMA National Talent Competition… and I won overall. I got $1500, and then I bought my first banjo. That was a huge turning point as well… I guess the folk music scene was the first real eye opener…

- You always wanted to play banjo?

I can’t really remember what originally inspired me… I think it was the Beverly Hillbillies TV show!

•

So you’re a self managed/self promoting artist: had you been managing yourself before being selected to participate in The Seed in 2016? Did that program impact the way you manage yourself?

The Seed Fund aims to help Australian artists from any background, creating art and music across any genre, to establish themselves as self-sustained, professional artists.

Since I was 18, I was self-managing with my sister. We just naturally started doing that, [because] we had a band together called Siskin River. We quickly realised all we have to do is [contact] these venues and try and get a gig. From 2011-2015, I was co-managing with my sister. When I started my solo project, that’s when I had to 100% manage everything I was doing. I started doing that for just under a year before I applied for The Seed’. [It]’s really good in the way that it was very inspiring, and I got to meet a lot of other self-managed [artists]. It made me see things more globally.

Tullara and her sister Shalane as the duo Siskin River ~

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”My songwriting’s moved from folk music to more pop/roots/rock sorta vibes, and that’s just me maturing in general”

Do you think it’s important to have an aesthetic in relation to musical presentation and self promotion?

I think it’s important to have consistency in your image and how you present yourself. It’s interesting how some people will try and change your appearance because they don’t think it’s as cool as it could be… I’ve had some people suggest some things to me [like] “you should cut your dreadlocks off!”… because it’s a bit hippy and not mainstream enough. I always just try to be myself, but I’m making myself more presentable and neater [for the] mainstream, because I think that’s where my music has gone. My songwriting’s moved from folk music to more pop/roots/rock sorta vibes, and that’s just me maturing in general. Over time I’ve just tightened up my act and image a bit, because first impressions are 100% the most important thing in the music industry.

•

What do you find to be the main adversities that come with being a self-managed musician?

When you don’t get the gigs that you’re trying to get. I can spend hours emailing venues or applying for festivals and I’ll get less than 10% of what I try for. It’s very time consuming, and there’s a lot of computer work, [so] instead of being creative, writing, and practicing, I’m spending the majority of my time on the computer. That’s something I struggled with last year. There’s [also] no minimum wage… it’s all so varied, especially with festivals and even pub shows. I’m learning now it’s almost what you ask for. it’s a bit of “smoke and mirrors”, but you never know [with that approach].

- The main positives?

I just do whatever I want. I think about where I want to go/play. Having the control, having the freedom. And money-wise, 20% of what I earn isn’t going to a manager either.

Now, how do you feel the music industry has treated you, not only as a self-managed musician, but as a self managed female musician?

Mostly positively… mostly. I’ve definitely had a few ups and downs with being female. I’ve been ripped off - only a couple of times - but they’ve taken advantage of the fact I’m a solo female. But that’s not as strong as, say, a band of four dudes that are like “give me my fucking money!” - and I’ve said that before!. You need to be stronger sometimes to get what you’re owed. But mostly I’ve had a pretty good experience.

Have you heard people say similar things to other female artists?

Other female artists have had more of a rough time than I have.

- but you’ve noticed the difference in attitudes towards women.

Absolutely, 100%. I’ll go into a music store and ask [a storeman] for gauge 13 strings, and he’ll be like “that’s a bit heavy, you’re probably after 10’s or 11’s” [exasperated sigh]. Have you seen me play?! Can I have the 13’s please? So music stores have always been like that. Every time I enter one, someone goes “hi sweetheart, what are you after?”, and they lead you to the ukuleles [laughs].

Tullara continues with a plethora of cringe-inducing music store anecdotes, in keeping with the theme of being infantilised by men simply for being a woman. It’s a peculiar insight into this section of the industry culture.

•

This is a big question: How has the musician lifestyle of touring, writing, and recording effected your well being and mental health?

There’s ten seconds of nervous laughter, before she sighs into her response.

Ah geez, it’s not great. I’ definitely not the specimen of health. It’s interesting… with touring - pub shows, for instance - you’re often given lots of free alcohol, and that seems to go hand-in-hand with the music industry. Sometimes, they’ll say “we’ll give you [some small] money, but we’ll give you free drinks all night [to make up for said small amount]”. It’s often an incentive to make it worth it. So that has taken a toll on my health since 2011. It’s part of the culture. I don’t have a good diet, but that’s definitely what I want to change.

She mentions there’s been a push for venues to offer free food - as opposed to free alcohol - in an effort to encourage sobriety at festivals.

-It’s not only physically, but mentally draining.

[Mmm]. The travel is definitely hard work, and I’ve done some crazy shit over the last year with it. Things like 10 flights within 7 days… and driving for hours on my own…. it’s a lot nicer when you’re touring with people, so I try to do that now whenever I can, because I want to have company, and it makes touring a lot easier. You need a lot more discipline when you’re on your own.

What are some things you do to make sure you look after your mental health while also trying to keep up with the demanding work load of self management? How do you not ‘burn out’? Any tips?

Try to plan a tour in a way that isn’t going to burn you out. I still find myself making that mistake… I’ll make sure I go to bed at a reasonable hour.

- So give yourself time, sleep!

Sleep is an important one - because if you’re not sleeping well, then by a week into the tour you’re gonna be shattered, and it will take a toll on your performance… your voice is one of the first things to go when you’re tired. Giving yourself a couple of days off [during] long tours is very important. It can get a little bit stressful… and even for your band members. I remember a drummer I had once who was like “it would have been nicer to have a couple of days off to explore this town I’ve never been to”. You gotta have fun! If you’re not having fun, what’s the point in doing it? Try and constantly learn something new… challenge yourself, and get better. That’s something I try and do, just learn new songs every now and then.

•

What is the highlight performance of your career so far?

Aww, I like that [question]! Probably opening for The Waifs in Grafton at the Saraton Theatre. It was in my home town, in this heritage-listed theatre that seats nearly 1,000 people, and it’s just incredible opening for my teenaged-absolute-most-favourite band. And they got me up on stage with them for their last song!

Do you have any tips for how to cope with performance nerves/ anxiety?

I don’t get nervous so much anymore, if anything I crave nerves now! Make sure you’re prepared. Embrace the nerves!

What are your 3 favourite artists right now?

You know my number 1! [laughs] Tay-Tay, I do absolutely love Taylor Swift. Number 2? Wallis Bird. 3… I feel like Electric Fields.

What’s next for you? You mentioned a big album!

I’ll be releasing my debut album later this year! Very exciting. It’s been a very long process. I’m going to Canada to finish it, [and I’ve] never been to Canada!

Any upcoming gigs?

Lots of gigs around NSW and Queensland, and the Woodford Planting Festival. Apparently you get to take home a tree! ☆

Tullara’s music can be found on all good digital streaming platforms, and through her official website.

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missymisti · 6 years

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On Faith

Trigger warnings: Christainity, Death mention

I have real issues with blind faith.

I can’t help but wonder “How?” when anyone ever tells me that they have been in a theology their whole life, but never questioned it. Yet, somehow, I come across this quite a bit. I’m not saying that everyone should have some crazy story behind their faith, but to never really sat down and asked yourself “Is this true? Is this right?” feels wrong to me.

Now, this isn’t really going to be me ranting on and on about how great I am for question the faith I grew up in. Rather, I want to document what I can remember of my journey thus far as a way to help myself put the pieces together in my mind. This probably won’t be the last time I write about this, but it be like that.

When I was sixteen years old, I got the chance to dual-enroll at my local community college. It was while attending this college that I first learned of Deism. Yeah, sure, something was there, but whoever They were didn’t really interact with us. Just sort of watched.

Or maybe They weren’t even watching.

It was shortly after this point that I realized I didn’t believe in the Abrahamic God. But the problem was that I couldn’t prove it, and the idea of calling myself Atheist felt wrong. I eventually settled on the term Agonist which I would go on to read tons of semantic arguments about how it was basically the same thing as Atheist, and how no reasonable Atheist claims to know 100% that there is no God.

Which is fair. But I still continued to call myself Agonist.

But even though I wasn’t changing my position on the matter, I still explored it because I didn’t feel settled. I didn’t feel like I knew everything I should know. Something felt off.

I remember reading tons of stuff written by Christian writers (mostly on the Internet, unfortunately) that made me cringe. These things would add reasons to my ever growing list of “Why I’m Not Christian.” But it never really explained to me what I DID believe. It was as though my entire religious stance was “Not that.” Which seems so shallow to me now that I honestly feel ashamed for having been like that.

This attitude made me quite bitter. I remember just not getting other people’s faith. Being annoyed at my own Mom who so strongly believes in and trust her God. I remember my near rage when my Grandpa passed, and his funeral was basically an infomercial for Jesus.

I still get a little mad think about that.

Man deserved better.

But that’s beside the point.

There was a two year period between October of 2016 and September of 2018 where my life was in shambles. The people closest to me were suffering for various reasons. My grades where tanking. My own mental health was on the decline. I felt as though I would break down crying at any moment, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

I know that others have had it much, much worse. But that period was my lowest point.

I have heard here and there since I beginning my path that some people turn to Witchcraft to gain back control.

I believe that was part of my own motivate.

I also believe that Witchcraft is one of the best things to ever happen to me.

When I began studying the Craft back in March of 2018 (I know, that’s SO long ago *sarcasm*), I remember saying to myself “No religion! Separate religion and spirituality!” Which I have sort of stuck with.

At some point since last March and now, I became a polytheist. I suppose it was an All or Nothing for me, and I picked All.

It make sense to me, because who am I to tell you what is real beyond that which is scientifically provable? The divine isn’t scientifically provable, so I have not right to tell anyone how to believe.

Weirdly, this understanding made things a lot easier.

Belief was removed from the equation. Instead, the questions became “Do I agree with this deity/these deities?” “Does this religion/faith align with my understanding of reality?”

I wasn’t looking for the answers to the universe. Those are unknowable to us right now. I’ll never know those answers.

I wasn’t looking for purpose. I have that. It might be a bit directionless to some, but it makes me happy.

I felt pretty confident that I was trying to follow the divine for the “right reasons.” Whatever my confused brain thought that was. I suppose I thought I would fall for the trap of blind faith?

I remember the first time I wanted to reach out to a deity. It went horribly. I felt wrong. I felt bad. I felt like I didn’t understand what I was doing. I felt like I was told “You’re not ready.”

What had I done wrong? Personally, I think I reached out with the wrong intention. I don’t really remember what that had been, but it felt urgent at the time. I also realize now, as I write this, that I was probably being guided away from that blind faith issue that bothers me so much.

What if I had gotten the answer I wanted that night?

It would be a few months before I would feel comfortable approaching the subject again, but this time, I started at understanding. I began reading and researching, because those are things that I know, and that I’m comfortable with.

And I get the feeling I’m on the right track this time.

Since beginning my research and studies, I’ve seen the occasion symbol pop up here and there. It’s nothing that would be too much for me. No one entering my dreams or speaking directly to me, but just a reminder here and there that I’m on the right path.

And, for now, that’s enough for me.

#missy writes #faith #witchcraft #musings #storytime #writing

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