#Christopher will be trying to parent trap them

[iknow-thisisallinmyhead]

Okay I've officially committed and started writing so I'm gonna post it here to hold myself accountable. I am writing a buddie holiday romcom fic! I think i want to fully write it out before I start posting it, but I'm hoping that will be by the end of the year! Stay tuned!

[rcmclachlan]

Thin Red Line (bucktommy, 6x11 missing scene)

Me: I'm rewatching "In Another Life" and had a thought. What if Buck met Tommy during his coma dream?

@dadvans: RC I’m going to kill you

+

Between leaving Christopher to wander the hospital hallways like a ghost in search of Eddie for all eternity and doing absolutely nothing to stop Bobby from popping pills like they’re Flintstones vitamins, Buck’s going to single-handedly bankroll every renovation project Dr. Copeland has over the next ten years. 

He wonders what she’ll say when he tells her about this during their next session. She’ll probably just sit back thoughtfully and muse, "You say you were trapped in a world where your biological family loved you but your chosen family had no idea who you were. Tell me more about that, Evan."

It's a moot point unless he manages to get out of here, so he swings the axe up, throws a sneer in his evil doppelgänger's direction, and is about to bring it down as hard as he can when his right arm is suddenly jerked behind him like someone’s trying to pull it out of the socket. 

Startled, he whirls around, but there’s no one there. Even Bizarro Buck is gone. 

An odd pressure tugs at his fingers. For a second, he thinks there’s something wrapped around them. He looks down but he can’t see anything. He can feel it, though. He tests the tensile strength of it by bouncing his hand back and forth, and whatever it is pulls taut when his hand gets close to his body. 

It reminds him of playing tug-o-war on the playground as a kid, except instead of deliberately allowing himself to be yanked off balance so his parents could later fuss over the bloody state of his knees, he begins gathering the palpable nothing in his palm and, with a last look at the tableau of the real him lying in the hospital bed waiting to die, follows it out of the room and back down the hall. 

He comes to a stop in front of a door that looks like all the others. He must’ve missed this one, although he can’t feel dumb about it, because there’s no way in hell he would’ve guessed this was the exit. 

"Take me home," Buck murmurs, opens the door, and walks out—

—onto an outdoor patio. 

He drops his head back with a groan. "Oh, come on."

With the wicker chairs and mind-numbingly navy umbrellas, it looks like every cafe’s outdoor seating situation in the state of California, right down to the almost oppressive number of ferns in beige planters shoved in between the tables. The only difference is that the place is completely empty. 

Correction: almost empty. 

Through the crush of the basic bitch jungle, he sees a solitary man seated at one of the tables, idly sliding a to-go cup from side to side with his big hands. As he draws a little closer, he’s able to clock the guy’s deep blue flight suit and what looks like the LAFD insignia on his arm.

Everyone who’s made an appearance in this weird-ass dream has been someone he knows. Even Daniel, who died before Buck ever met him, still made something stir with some kind of primordial recognition in Buck’s marrow the second he woke up and clapped eyes on him. He'd taken in the gray hair at high temples, the same nose Buck sees every time he looks in a mirror, the confident smile, and had just known who he was.

Buck has no idea who this guy is. He’s pretty sure he’d remember someone who looked like he bench presses actual benches in the morning and rushes off to be photographed for Men’s Health by lunch. 

As Buck comes up to the edge of the table, the man looks up at him, and the light of the sun catches his eyes. For a second, Buck’s back on the pier, gazing out into a cloudless sky stretched over the sea, but there’s no inhale of the earth, no oncoming wave. Just deep, Pacific blue. A slow smile spreads across the guy’s face, which takes him from unfairly handsome to utterly striking. 

"Hey."

A shiver starts from the very bottom tip of Buck’s spine and travels upwards like ripples on the surface of a lake, spreading out into all of his limbs until he can feel the eddies lapping at even the smallest arteries. For no cogent reason he can think of, his resting heart rate picks up until he’s flirting with full-on tachycardia. Maybe he’s about to code in the real world.

"H-Hey," Buck stutters, feeling caught out. "I—sorry, I’m—I’m a little turned around here."

The man gives him a look that’s both amused and commiserating, then picks up the drink cup he’d been playing table hockey with and holds it out. There's something thin and red tied around his ring finger, but Buck can't concentrate on it for some reason. It fades completely out of view every time he tries. "Want a sip? It’s the worst coffee you’ll ever taste."

It's said around what is clearly a laugh, but Buck doesn't feel like it's at his expense, plus it's so infectious that he can’t help but crack a grin. The muscles in his back, which feel like they've been locked for days, are finally starting to relax.

“If it’s so gross, why’d you get it?” Buck asks, genuinely curious.

The guy shrugs. "I didn't."

Nodding as if that makes any kind of sense, Buck looks around to see if the ferns are hiding anyone else, but it really does seem like there's no one else here. He turns back to the man, who's watching him with that deep, placid gaze. 

It's so strange. He'd been so desperate to find a way out of here, psyching himself up for a battle he was prepared to fight to the death in, but all he wants to do right now is grab the chair across from this stranger and just… let the clock run out.

He reaches for the back of the chair closest to him, but it jerks away with a screech. 

The guy unhooks his foot from the chair leg and, staring straight into Buck's eyes, shakes his head gently. 

Buck swallows around a suddenly dry throat. Under his feet, the patio stones tremble. "D-Do I know you?"

When the man smiles this time, the corners of his eyes crinkle, digging lines that run down his cheeks. Buck thinks of the picture Jee-Yun gave him last week of a beaming sun. She'd drawn deep yellow lines coming off it. Sun rays. 

"No," the man says, his voice as warm as a crayon drawing made with unconditional love. "Not yet."

He lifts his hand and this time Buck can see the little red string tied around his finger, and the long tail of the other end of it draped over the table top, which Buck follows the trail of, heart pounding, until it comes to a stop. He looks down to find the other end is tangled around the fingers of his own right hand. 

When he looks up, shaking and exhilarated, there's a door in the middle of the patio that swings open in obvious invitation. 

The man is no longer at the table, but there are suddenly lips at his ear. "See you soon, Evan."

Before he can close his eyes and sink into the hot wash of breath over his cheek, a large hand slides up to the middle of his back and shoves—

+

Buck knows he's being an absolute creep and Eddie won't stop giving him weird looks about it, but he can't help it. The pilot who's about to steal a helicopter for them has been nothing but friendly and confident, and he's currently wiring Buck up to his headset with brisk, competent hands, and all Buck can do is stare at him like he's got tonight's winning lottery numbers. 

Tom Kinard—"Tommy, please. Tom is my father, who I hate."—looks up from where he's bent a little at the knees, trying to get the microphone adapter to hook into Buck's belt, and shoots Buck an awkward grin. 

"Is there a spider in my hair or something?"

He hadn't realized how much tension he was putting into the air until Tommy cuts through it with that. Buck ducks his head and laughs, feeling like a dumbass. "Sorry, man. It's just—do I know you from somewhere? You look so familiar."

"Maybe I just have one of those faces," Tommy says, all good humor.

For Men's Health, maybe, Buck almost replies, then has to clench his teeth so it doesn't slip out by accident. What a weird thought to have. With his luck, Tommy would've taken it the wrong way and then abandoned the mission altogether. But even thinking it feels like a lie. Buck's known the guy for all of five minutes but he's oddly sure Tommy wouldn't leave them in the lurch because Buck feels the need to share every dumb thought that crosses his mind. 

"All right." Tommy stands up straight and steps back, but not before he gives Buck a friendly pat on the arm. "You're good to go."

Feeling oddly bereft, Buck says nothing as Tommy steps around him to where Chimney's been not so patiently waiting for his turn. 

"Sorry about him," Chim says, jerking a head in Buck's direction. "He was struck by lightning last year and hasn't been the same since. I mean, he was always annoying, but now he's just weird."

Buck deserves an Oscar for the fake outrage in his voice when he shoots back, "The view must be great from your glass house, Mr. I'm Dressing My Kid Up As A Ceiling Fan For Halloween," because the rest of him feels like it's in a tailspin. Every atom in his body is positively screaming for some reason. It's probably because they're all going to die. That makes the most sense.

When Tommy laughs, the corners of his eyes crinkle. 

Sun rays, Buck thinks nonsensically, and tangles the headset wire around the fingers of his right hand. 

+

Now on AO3!

[buddierecs]

slow burn buddie fics

all mature rating!!! make sure to kudos/comment on these amazing works :)

tell me about despair by: hattalove "the entity often affectionately referred to as the unrepression fic." word count: 148k important tags: ptsd, therapy, trauma, heavy angst, friends to lovers, pining, getting together ripples all the way down by: iriswests "christopher partakes in some parent trapping" word count: 57k important tags: mutual ping, parent trapping, jealous!buddie, miscommunication don't worry baby (everything will turn out alright) by: woodchoc_magnum "buck and eddie are falling in love, and it's obvious to everyone but them." word count: 63k important tags: friends to lovers, team as family, fluff, angst, mutual pining overcome by: orphan_account "set post season 5A, where buck is alone, and angry, and exhausted, but mostly terrified that everyone he loves is slowly slipping away from him." word count: 53k important tags: TW: past child abuse, alcoholism, past suicide attempt, insecure!evan buckley, hurt!evan buckley, panic attacks, mental breakdown, eventual happy ending, mutual pining, sharing a bed, eddie diaz takes care of evan buckley standing on the brink of emptiness by: woodchoc_magnum "in which eddie is struggling in the aftermath of being shot, learning how to take care of himself and realising he's in love with buck; and buck is dating taylor, taking care of eddie and christopher and trying to figure out why he's so goddamn confused about everything." word count: 70k important tags: ptsd, injury recovery, pining, pre-relationship, getting together, angst

'cause we belong together now by: smilingbuckley "on a call, buck and eddie meet an adorable little girl that they fall in love with and want to adopt. the only problem? they're not together romantically..." word count: 68k important tags: fake dating, marriage of convenience, adoption, pining, fluff, soft!buddie, friends to lovers for a holiday (and forevermore) by: wikiangela "eddie's sick of personal, intrusive questions about his love life whenever he visits his family, so he starts bringing buck for the holidays as his (fake) boyfriend. he only wants to shut them up, and doesn't expect that the small crush he has on his best friend could actually turn into something more.." word count: 94k important tags: fake dating, sharing a bed, pre-relationship, idiots to lovers, soft!buddie, oblivious, fluff, angst, eventual smut i've got your back by: sammyunhinged "a very slow burn fic chronicling the progress of buck and eddie's relationship, buck's parenting journey, and eddie learning to accept himself, in which buck gets injured in an accident and he moves in with Eddie and Christopher." word count: 109k important tags: idiots to lovers, falling in love, hurt/comfort, mutual pining, cuddling, getting together, eventual smut the pain will leave you once it's done teaching you by: fruitsdoesnotknow "when daniel buckley lives a little longer, evan Buckley dies a little more. and this is how eddie diaz saves him, a little later on." word count: 43k important tags: angst, hurt/comfort, panic attacks, mutual pining, found family, grief there's an ache in you (put there by the ache in me) by: goforeddie "the buddie couple therapy fic where, following the events of eddie getting shot, both him and buck are forced by the department to go through mandatory couple therapy." word count: 50k important tags: couples therapy, ptsd, post s4e14, pre-relationship, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, nightmares, fluff and angst, sharing a bed every single things to come (has turned into ashes) by: imdarlenescousin "eddie starts dating, makes some friends, makes some realizations, and makes a serious offer." word count: 66k important tags: friends to fiances, demisexual!eddie diaz, mental health issues, pining,

heart of flowers/heart of gold by elvensorceress "after nearly losing each other, buck and eddie find their way to each other and their family’s happily ever after." word count: 144k important tags: season 4, friends to lovers, mutual pining, evan buckley takes care of eddie diaz, demisexual!eddie diaz, gun shot wounds hold steady, hold steady by: thetalee "after eddie's bombshell announcement on christmas, buck runs away and finds himself back on his first day on the job. a time-travel fix-it fic of sorts, ft. a stranger that totally just wants to help, honest." word count: 172k important tags: time travel, time loops, supernatural elements au, shannon diaz lives, hurt!evan buckley, temporary character death

explicit slow burn buddie fics :)

[sibylsleaves]

What happens after buck and eddie get together.

hello friend IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED

There are literally SOOOOOO many fun storylines that could come out of this but like, first of all, how do you even start a relationship that you're basically already in the middle of??? This is NOTHING like starting a relationship with someone new, or even someone you're casually friends with (as you could argue Buck and Taylor were) this is...starting a relationship when you already know that in the event of your death this is the person you want to raise your child. This is starting a relationship knowing this person has already seen you at the lowest of your lows, that this person knows EVERY intimate, embarrassing, silly detail about you. like yeah that's beautiful but I also think it would be surprisingly difficult to navigate.

Like. Especially if you're Buck and Eddie who both, in different ways, have such an idealized view of romance (I would actually argue Eddie more so than Buck in many ways). And yeah, i think they've done a lot of work to deconstruct that BEFORE they even get together, but it's still like...a complete rewiring of the way you operate in a romantic relationship and that's not going to happen overnight. They're going to stumble over little things that feel awkward or unnatural because maybe they're still trying to fit this into a more familiar version of romance before they realize they don't HAVE to do that. Do they just continue on the way they've been but now they kiss and have sex? Do they start going on dates? Do they start calling each other pet names? How much time is it acceptable to spend with a brand new romantic partner who is also the man named in your will to raise your child if you die AND ALSO your coworker who you see for 24 hours at a time. Do they have different ideas about the answers to these questions and how do they navigate THAT?

And speaking of being coworkers, is there gonna be conflict with the 118 because it's technically against policy for them to date and be on the same shift? Maybe one of them transfers to a different shift but oh no now they never see each other! Cue a storyline where they prove how good of a team they are and that the fire chief (or whoever) shouldn't force bobby to separate them. And also, their lives are SO intertwined that whenever a conflict arises it's like. Who am I supposed to get an outside perspective from? YOU are the person I always go to with my relationship problems. And literally everyone else I know is ALSO your friend. So potentially we'd get some opening up of more relationships on the show, particularly for Eddie who almost ALWAYS goes to either Buck or, less frequently, Bobby with relationship issues. (Buck still has Maddie) But like. Bobby is BASICALLY Buck's dad so???? and even Carla, who seems to be at this point lowkey written out of the show, knew Buck first!!!! Eddie either has to talk to his parents (difficult because they've never approved of his relationships in the past and I think it's still probably touchy subject for them), Pepa (i actually love this option but also she's a different generation and sometimes you really DO need the opinion of someone who intimately understands modern relationships. Or maybe we get Eddie rekindling his friendship with Linda, or getting closer with Karen (this is after they get trapped in a well together thanks ryan guzman).

And in general (stealing this from @try-set-me-on-fire's recent post about them fighting) HOW do they navigate conflict in their relationship because we really DONT see them have much conflict in their friendship, so what happens when a relatively small issue in their relationship blows up into something bigger just because they literally DONT KNOW how to argue with each other.

And I haven't even touched the Christopher of it all yet. I DO think there's juicy conflict to mine there, because as many people have said I could see there being real fear for him about what happens when/if this relationship implodes the way ALL Eddie's relationships have imploded. I think it could go one of many ways, but what's interesting for me here is Chris is NOT ten years old anymore. He's a teenager, and his emotions are way more complex than just "ANGRY AT DAD." I could see him saying he's fine with it but then acting out in other ways that make Buck and Eddie realize he's NOT actually fine with it (kind of mirroring how we saw in 7x01 Chris acting out by stringing girls along being a symptom of Not Being Fine about Shannon's abandonment). And how Buck and Eddie might have to actually WORK to even get to a place to have an honest conversation about what his fears are.

Anyway I just think there's so much new exciting storytelling ground for them once they get together this is just the tip of the iceberg

[outrunningthedark]

I can say this without guilt because his absence will affect me personally (as in, disability rep is about to go way down for reasons I *do* understand), but the closer we get to season eight/the more seasons this show has, the more I've learned to be okay with minimal Christopher Diaz appearances because this fandom continuously proves how his only purpose for them is to "parent trap" his dad and his dad's closest friend. I don't think we need to be hyper-focused on any of the children because even if they're mains they're secondary characters, but Christopher's role is continuously reduced to matchmaker when just being who he is provides enough material for story lines separate from whatever Buddie are getting into. But they don't count or aren't as important when Buck doesn't get to be involved. (According to what we still read around here six years later.) Now, does the show always tap into those story lines? No. Because the current show runner worries about trying to please everybody by giving Buddie without actually giving Buddie. But just like we shouldn't need Tim Minear to outline racism and why it is bad, you shouldn't need him to make you care about a disabled child's life when he's not being a typical sassy teenager who's "secretly plotting to make Buddie kiss". (Except for the fact that he is not and never has!)

[m3r1m4r5u333]

I was thinking of the episode titles in season 7 in relation to Buddie.

7x01 "Abandon ships" basically has them abandoning their current relationships, right?

Buck tells Eddie that he broke up with Natalia.

Also, Eddie needs help co-parenting and instead of asking his girlfriend, he asks Buck to talk with Chris.

The way they combine Eddie's and Marisol's date with Christopher's, and then Eddie muses about the date feeling just friendly when the camera is actually focused on him and Marisol...

Then Buck brings up sexual tension while he's putting out a fire... And Eddie stares.

---

The emergency in 7x01, introducing the couple at the pool? Feels like a recap of past events.

With the guy passing out mid sex and the woman becoming trapped due to the stress response making her muscles spasm...?

Is truly such a hilarious retelling of Eddie's panic attacks.

The poor woman, still trapped, is basically living the life of Ana Flores:

"I don't even know how this happened. I mean, I know how it happened. We were, you know, doing it, and then he got woozy and started complaining about chest pains, and he went limp. Well, mostly - because every time I try to get free, I can't! What is happening?!"

The team tries to figure out how to help,

Hen comes to the conclusion that the medical emergency does not appear to be a heart attack (much like Eddie's panic attacks weren't either) and then states that

"What we need to do, is get him out of this hot water!"

(Hot water, indeed.)

The woman begs for help because she does not wish to have an embarrassing hospital trip.

The parallel - remember the cringy conversation at the hospital, when the doctor & the people in the room were trying to figure out what could be making Eddie so stressed, and Eddie reveals his hand by looking at Ana. Embarrassing all around!

So the team at the pool tries to come up with a solution, and decide they should help her relax.

Eddie's watching the pool scene unfold and is then like

"(*sighs*) This is the story of my fucking life. Okay, I got this. I know how to deal with panic attacks!"

So he orders Buck to switch with Hen, to get Buck closer.

So the first step to the road to recovery and getting out of panic mode is Buck getting closer! (And he did, didn't he. Eddie talked with Buck, then broke up with Ana, and Eddie was able spend more time with Buck again.)

Then Eddie asks if Buck's "got him?" (meaning the man who's collapsed), Buck does.

Then Eddie rambles on about a game called Jell-o body, to get the woman to relax. Apparently that's how Eddie also calms himself down (which is a fun fact I did not know I needed, but I will cherish it to the grave anyway).

I'm not entirely sure what the "lime jell-O" reference could mean, but after some obsessed googling, I'm thinking it means incompatible ingredients - components which do not work well together.

These absolutely mad jell-o recipes used to be a thing, and also ridiculed. Go listen to "Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise", if you haven't, it's pretty funny.

Anyway. Would make sense in the context I'm seeing here. Picturing lime jell-O is what brings the stress level down because it reminds you that it's okay to let go. Some things just aren't meant to be. Like Eddie and Ana weren't!

...

So. Does this mad rambling of mine make any sense to anyone but me? 😅

[smallandalmosthonest]

8x01-8x03 -> classic big disaster, christopher in texas;

8x03 -> henren getting mara back leads to tommy-doesn't-want-kids conversation and will reveal (leads to 'at any moment you could become a single parent to a grieving teenager and you never told me', leads to 'i'm falling in love with you' leads to 'i was never going to be what you wanted but i'm glad i could be what you needed for a little while'), ends with amicable but painful bucktommy break up

8x03 also ends with gerrard getting fired fired and bobby reinstated

through 8a buck tries to hide this from eddie because he doesn't want to dump all his problems on eddie while eddie is suffering

eddie in therapy and with his support system forced to think about what HE needs over what christopher needs because what christopher needs is his dad to be healthy and happy and stable

bottle episode to break the heaviness of the first half of the season: the 118 has a q-word day with zero calls, lots of firehouse shenanigans and heart-to-hearts

during a quiet moment in the bottle episode, eddie has a conversation bobby prompts eddie to think about what happiness looks like/feels like/what makes him feel like he's not "broken"

(this ep is the first time we see eddie laugh since christopher left)

eddie thinks about it and we get a lightly implied eddie feelings realization or at least the start of it

two-episode storyline ending 8a -> we end up with trapped dads with allllllll the fixin's, specifically right-before-we're-trapped-there's-a-voicemail-from-chris-asking-to-come-home, i-don't-think-we're-getting-out-of-this-not-this-time, 'one of us has to make it out for christopher' 'do not make me raise your son alone' 'you're not alone you have the 118 you have maddie you have tommy' 'tommy and i broke up but that doesn't matter he's your son you're his father' 'and you're the closest to a second father he could ever have. why didn't you tell me about tommy'

8a ends with much tension, so much unsaid, but they're rescued hurray

8b opens with buck and eddie barely able to look at each other, tension in the firehouse, ep is mostly hen and chim's pov, hen and chim so concerned, bobby talks to buck and then eddie in his office, hen and chim eavesdrop and hear bobby talking about putting one of them on b-shift, hen and chim each take one (hen with eddie and chim with buck) and we have a split scene of them trying to get to the bottom of this/talk some sense into them for the good of the team, buck and eddie both promise they'll work on it but things are just different now

episode ends with buck and eddie leaving the station, so awkward, and the instant they're alone they sorta jump at each other laughing hands tangling together because it's buddie secret relationship era

later in 8b when hen and chim find out bobby just shrugs 'they had to file paperwork with hr i knew the whole time'

[sortofanobsession]

Beyond Frustration (Buddie AU)

I was going through old works and drafts and this idea wasn't exactly requested but it jumped out at me. And figured I hadn't done an Alpha Beta Omega in a while. May do a part 2 if anyone wants it.

Do me a favor and help me with this poll please & thank you!

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911 Masterlist

Summary: Lawsuit Era A/B/Ω AU where Alpha Eddie marks and bonds Omega Buck after Buck was trapped under the truck. The lawsuit puts their bond, and unknowingly to Eddie, their unborn child, at risk. Eddie learns how big of a mistake he has made in almost the worst way possible. Almost.

Paring: Alpha!Eddie Diaz/Omega!Evan "Buck" Buckley

Word count: 2k+

Content Warning: Anger, Neglect, Hospitalization, A/B/Ω mpreg, Fear, physical violence (Eddie gets slapped), Fear of Miscarriage, High Risk Pregnancy.

Eddie's inner alpha clawed at him as they left the deposition. And all it did was piss him off further. Buck had told that asshole things he'd sworn to keep to himself. The alpha had seen the way his omega's betrayal hurt the whole team. The team that was also very much their pack. Their family. But his alpha clawed at him. He didn't understand why it was acting like that. His mate had betrayed them and their pack. The mate he had taken care of and protected after the omega was injured in the bombing. The one he had bared his soul to and bonded with. No, his inner alpha may be driven by the baser instinct to be with his mate at any cost, but Eddie wasn't going to give in. He should have known better, especially after what happened with Shannon. Shannon had been the mother of his pup. And then came back just to ruin his life again. He had tried to make it work for his secondary nature. To have a real family, a true pack. And that had gone to shit. He'd let his alpha nature trick him again. But fool him once and all that bs. He wasn't going to give in a third time. No.

Buck was struggling. It wasn't unheard of for an omega to be a single parent. But it was well known that a strong bond and loving relationship for a mated omega was ideal. A bonded omega, separated from their mate, especially an alpha mate, under great stress, and being a somewhat rare male omega, was a high risk pregnancy in the making.

During a shift Eddie's inner alpha goes damn near feral. Something is wrong and he knows it. But Eddie had been suppressing his secondary nature for so long, even using medication to further subdue it, his alpha isn't strong enough to make Eddie's more stubborn and supposedly logical side understand. And Eddie does not realize how big a mistake he has made until he gets a terrifying call from Christopher. Carla had gotten a call from the hospital. Buck was not well. And since Carla was the only contact Buck had allowed them to reach out to. Eddie finally realizes what his alpha had been trying to tell him over the last few hours. His alpha nature has been reacting to the bond the shared with his mate. Eddie was just too numb to feel it. And that was a terrifying thought. As mad as he and the others were with the no contact order because of the lawsuit, they still had the slight comfort that Eddie would know if something happened to Buck. When Eddie tells them about the phone call they rush to the hospital.

The second Eddie steps into the hospital he is met with a hard slap. He recoils at first and nearly lashes out when he realizes it’s Maddie. His mate’s beta sister.

“You were supposed to protect him!” She shouts at the alpha. Before Eddie can say anything she has turned her ire on the captain. “You too!” She looks from face to face, every member of the 118. “All of you! You told him he was family! That you would be there for him!”

“Maddie,” Chimney starts but she turns on her heels and disappears behind a set of doors.

The receptionist stone walls them when they try to get any information. Eddie can feel his inner alpha suffering. Eddie was so close to his mate he could just start to feel him. His omega's scent had clung to Maddie. And it tore at the alpha’s heart.

“Eddie,” Carla says as she meets them.

“If you're here, where is Christopher?” Bobby asks. As upset as the captain and his inner alpha was he knew it was nothing compared to what Eddie was feeling. Guilt and fear clouded Eddie's usual scent. Bobby could understand that. The captain had lost a mate before. He knew the panic not knowing created. Eddie wasn't in his right mind now.

“He's with Buck, since they had a sort of bond they hoped it would help. Maddie too.”

“Did it?” Hen asks.

“He's stable, but there is something I need to tell you…”

Eddie hates himself. He would never forgive himself for what he had done. He would grovel and beg Buck to forgive him. He prays to any higher power that would listen to let him fix this. To not take his family from him. He couldn't lose his mate. It would destroy him. He'd spend the rest of his life begging his pups to forgive him. He'd be there for every major milestone for both Christopher and their unborn miracle, if they let him. He was a mess by the time they reached Buck’s room. Maddie glared at the alpha as he entered.

Christopher made his way over to Eddie and buried his face in his father's shirt. Eddie drops to his knees.

“I'm sorry, buddy, I'm so sorry,” the alpha begs. “This never should have happened.”

Once Christopher had calmed down, Carla took him out into the hall to go see the rest of the team.

Maddie leaves to call her parents. She glares at the alpha as she does. The alpha goes over and carefully takes the omega's hand in his. The barely there curve of his pregnant mate’s stomach breaks something in the alpha. It wasn’t prominent, but he had known Buck's body as well as he knew his own. And he could see it now. He doesn't know how he could have missed it at the deposition. Even the omega's scent smelled sweeter. Had his anger clouded his senses that much? He now understands why his inner alpha had been so distressed that day. His pregnant mate was just a few feet from him and he couldn't go to him. The omega had looked so tired and sad, but Eddie had been too bitter to see what the entire situation had been doing to his mate. And Eddie could see it now. Buck was too thin, too pale, for a pregnant omega. He looks fragile and broken. And Eddie just wanted to crawl in the bed beside him. He wanted to scent his mate. Hold him. Do whatever he needed to repair their fragile bond. But before he can do anything but take a shattered breath a woman in a lab coat walks in. She's a beta that smells overly sterile.

“He's sedated,” she says before she even introduces herself. Once she has she levels the alpha with a weary look. “You are his mate, correct? His alpha?”

Eddie nods, barely trusting his voice. “Y-yeah, yes, I am.”

“His sister said you two are bonded, correct?”

“Yes,” Eddie answers, his hand gripping Buck's a bit tighter as he does.

The doctor nods and after making a note in the omega's file she checks Buck’s vitals and compares them to his chart and updates it. Eddie watches her carefully. Only when she is done does she give the alpha any attention again.

“How are they?” Eddie manages to ask.

“He is stable and his condition is slowly improving.”

“So they're okay?”

“As a medically trained first responder, I'm sure you can understand the gravity of the situation at hand,” the doctor starts.

Eddie nods but hopes that by saying nothing the doctor will actually answer his question.

“Did you know about your mate's condition?”

“No,” Eddie half sobs. “I had no idea.”

“Okay,” the doctor says and seems to be considering something before she speaks again. “In cases of neglect like this there is a full investigation,” she says and the alpha has to sit down because to have it put so bluntly was jarring.

“Whatever needs to happen, just please, don't make me leave.”

“Oh as his bonded mate you need to stay, it may be the only thing that keeps his condition from worsening. But I have to legally inform you that your behavior will be heavily monitored and any signs of distress will be dealt with in whatever manner we deem necessary, which may include asking you to leave, and getting the authorities involved if necessary. And if your mate or his family wish to seek legal action, we are obligated to assist them.”

“I don't care what you have to do, I’ll do anything,” Eddie insists. “I just want him to be okay.”

The doctor seems to study the alpha for a full minute.

“I believe you, Mr. Diaz,” she finally says. “And I trust that you being here will not worsen the situation. And if it does that you will act accordingly. I understand that there have been some strenuating circumstances in this particular case. I hope for your sake, and your mate's, that things only get better from here. We will be keeping a close eye on him.”

The doctor excuses herself after that. And what little control Eddie has on his emotions fails. He buries his face in his mate's neck and sobs. He is nothing without Buck. He isn't even a good dad these days without him. He's been trying, but Christopher is still suffering from the after effects of the tsunami and not having his Buck there has made it all the more difficult. The omega had been with him during the terrible experience. It had made the bond the two already had stronger. And Eddie had denied both of them that much needed connection. He was a failure as an alpha. He was a failure as a father. Worst of all, he was a failure as a mate. He neglected his bond and his bonded mate and it nearly cost him everything. He could have lost both his mate and the unborn pup he didn't even know existed. Now that he knows he can't possibly let go. The only reason he would ever leave now was if Buck wanted him to. If his mate couldn't forgive him, the alpha would understand. Eddie sure as hell wasn't ever going to forgive himself.

Eddie wakes up to fingers in his hair and he almost doesn't want to move, but as he inhales the chemically tainted smell of his mate he remembers where he is and why he is there. His head snaps up and he looks into the tired blue eyes of his mate.

“Buck,” is all the alpha manages to say in a broken tone. The numbness that he had felt the past few days gone as the wave of emotions hit him. He can feel their bond again. And it shatters something in him. “I'm sorry.” It's half sobbed and shaken.

Buck had woken up to a weight on his arm that hadn't been there before. The more he thinks, the more he realizes it was a familiar weight. Paired with a feeling he had longed for. His eyes tear up as he inhales and takes in the familiar scent of his mate, but there is something off about it. It has the omega opening his eyes. His alpha is distressed. And yeah, that tracks. The omega blinks tears away as he looks around the hospital room. He has no idea how long he has been there, but by the way Eddie is passed out curled against him it had been a while. And he let his tears fall because Eddie was there. His mate had not only come to his bedside, but was pressed against his side like any distance between was unbearable. After so long without his mate, and now his senses were flooded with him, the omega finally felt some semblance of home. He felt complete again. His hands itched to feel that electricity he always felt when they touched. His hands card through the alpha's unkempt mess of hair.

The omega’s heart clenches at the the sheer level of pain and devastation in the alpha’s voice. Buck gets a real good look at his partner’s face and he looks so raw and broken that the omega wants nothing more than to make things better. But Buck can't forget the reason they are there. His eyes move to his own stomach. Before he can even voice his fears, fears Eddie must feel through their bond, the alpha’s hand rubs along the sheet covered swell.

“Pup’s all right,” Eddie says, his voice now filled with conviction. The alpha's voice is in Buck's ear. The omega can feel the heat of his mate's hand through the fabric on his stomach. The combined sensation and the renewed feelings coursing through him sends a shiver down his spine and sends his heart soaring. It must show in his heart monitor at the way the alpha beside him chuckles. It nearly doubled when he feels Eddie's lips gently brush across the bonding mark on the omega's neck. The feeling of love and safety he has missed for weeks is damn near overwhelming.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie tells him again. And between the look on the alpha's face and the feeling of guilt that flows through their bond has Buck believing him. Combined with the omega's heightened emotions and hormones, Buck couldn't imagine holding any of it against the alpha. Not really.

“I know,” Buck tells him, his own tone a little sad. It's sad, because this whole situation could have been avoided if they had just tried to talk. And he thinks Eddie must feel the same way at the way the alpha’s hand shifts from rubbing the omega's swollen belly to pulling Buck closer to him. And Buck goes willing shifting until his back is flush against the alpha's chest. The alpha protectively curled around him.

“I love you, you know that right? More than anything in the world,” Eddie says.

“Except Christopher,” Buck corrects.

“I love him and this little one,” Eddie states, his hand gently pressing against the swell of the unborn pup. “But that's a different kind of love,” the alpha insists.

The omega swoons a bit at that. He had spent the last few weeks terrified of Eddie rejecting not just him but the pup as well. The relief that Eddie still loved him and wanted him, but that he wanted their pup too was amazing. That the alpha was happy to not just claim the pup as his but say he already loved them. It was like having a large weight removed from the omega's shoulders. That fear had been like an albatross around his neck. And Eddie must feel it all through the bond because, again, Eddie holds him tighter. The alpha’s lips press against the skin behind the omega's ear.

“I'm here now. Not going anywhere.”

The alpha holds the omega as he cries but it doesn't last long. Because Buck is still exhausted and Eddie is warm. The omega is more comfortable and feels better than he has in weeks, maybe months. Buck falls asleep sheltered in his mate's arms.

The alpha tenses as the door opens. The former army medic might hate having his back to the door but the alpha was protectively curled around his pregnant mate. That was way more important than his own comfort.

“Well, don't you two look cozy,” the nurse, a lovely middle aged omega, says as she comes in.

“He woke up for a bit, but fell back asleep,” Eddie tells her as she goes to check the machines. The alpha goes to move to get up so she can check Buck’s vitals but she waves him off.

“You're fine,” she smiles. “The closer you stay the quicker the bond can help him feel better.” She gently checks Buck's pulse and nods.

“I’ll let the doctor know he was awake for a bit,” she says before leaving. Once she is gone he looks over at the clock. It early, but not too early that his pack would be mad at him texting them. As much as he hates the idea of moving from his comfortable spot, he needs his phone which is charging on the table next to the bed. Eddie gets up, stretching as he does. Buck whines in his sleep at the loss and rolls over as if to chase the alpha's fading warmth. It makes the alpha’s heart flutter. He quickly grabs his phone and returns to the bed. Buck now curled into his side with his face tucked in the alpha's neck. Eddie's inner alpha was happier than it had been since the pair bonded at the feel of the omega's bump against his side. And the feeling was heady. The alpha just wants to sit there and bask in the feeling of home that came from watching his vulnerable and trusting mate sleeping in his arms. But he knows he has a number of unanswered messages to deal with. So he silently, and slowly only having one hand to type with, lets Maddie, Carla, and the team know that Buck was doing better. He had woken up for a bit, but was resting now.

They had a lot they needed to sort out, but they would do it together. Lawsuit be damned. His mate and their family was now Eddie's primary focus. And he wasn't willingly going anywhere any time soon. Not unless Buck wanted him to. Even then the alpha wouldn't like it. He loved Buck too much to walk away now. He loved the family they had made. He was sure the others would understand.

When he was done with the messages he settled back down beside his mate and closed his eyes. He would dream of the life they were only just starting as a family, as a pack.

[captain-hen]

I really appreciate your post about the Buck, Eddie and Christopher parenting dynamic as often portrayed by fandom because i feel like I’ve been tiptoeing around, quietly cringing and wondering why the hell it makes me uncomfortable when everyone else seems totally onboard. I mean don’t get me wrong I like the idea of them blending into a family and Buck taking on the role of a second father, but sometimes I have to side eye how people go about it in their fics. But I’m also in the minority where I dislike when people write Christopher trying to parent trap buddie or Christopher immediately being like oh yeah now that you guys are in a romantic relationship can I start calling Buck dad? Because in my mind, no matter how much Chris loves Buck, I think that transition from friend to official father figure would be complicated. And I would be fine if Chris continued to call Buck by his name forever. But that’s a personal qualm and I’m rambling now. Thanks

well, you are definitely not alone in this xD and as an eddie girlie i will never shut up about it lol. and i agree with you about the assumption that chris would be okay with buck and eddie dating, tbh. it can be fun to read about it in fics, but i do think that realistically in canon it would be a lot more messier and complicated. and yeah, i can't really see chris calling buck 'dad', either. but yeah, these are more of personal nitpicks, though i definitely see where you're coming from!

[canonicallyobserving911]

Buck probably thinks of himself as Christopher’s “spare dad” (like spare parts) while it’s been clear since The Will Reveal that Eddie views Buck as Christopher’s “second dad”.  Buck’s role in Christopher’s life is defined differently by the two of them because Eddie never verbally specified to Buck in terms that he could understand the way he sees Buck as his equal in their relationship during their conversation at the hospital.  Even though he did tell Buck that he’s Christopher’s legal guardian if anything were to happen to him, it’s likely that Buck heard ‘if something happens to Eddie then and only then can I be Christopher’s dad’. That wasn’t Eddie’s intention but based on Buck’s actions, it’s more than likely what Buck heard. Buck and Eddie communicate in several ways including silently but that day they had a failure to communicate with each other and it was based on both what Eddie said and the way Buck interpreted it.

Make no mistake, Buck knows that Eddie is the love of his life just like Eddie knows Buck is the love of his life but whenever they need to DTR (define their relationship) they don’t know how to communicate with each other.  Eddie was literally giving Buck his heart and telling Buck that he was in love with him when he told Buck about his will but Buck MISUNDERSTOOD it just like he misunderstood the lessons Thomas, Red and Lev tried to give him before they died.

Sometimes Buck doesn’t fully understand the things people say to him unless they say what they mean and mean what they say.  So when people talk to him, they must be very specific and use regular words like ‘I’m in love with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want us to raise Christopher together as a family’ instead of just saying “If I die you become Christopher’s legal guardian”. While Eddie’s will does make Buck the legal guardian for Christopher if Eddie dies, Buck didn’t understand the underlying meaning of what Eddie was trying to tell him.  Buck put his emphasis on the “if I die” part of Eddie’s statement and that’s why he’s back on that physically reckless BS again.

In 6x4 “Animal Instincts” Buck reverted to being the physically reckless version of himself because he still believes that everyone else’s lives are more valuable than his since they have families and children waiting for them to return home. In 4x14 “Survivors” he told Bobby that he couldn’t handle it if anyone else got hurt after he risked his life and climbed up a crane with no protection.  Even though Bobby told him that Eddie being shot by a sniper was not his fault, Buck still felt like it should have been him instead of Eddie and he told Eddie that after Eddie woke up from his coma.  Eddie told Buck while he was being discharged from the hospital that he was wrong for thinking he was expendable and that helped to calm Buck for a few months but now it seems like he doesn’t care if he gets hurt.  The only way he got attention from his parents while he was young was whenever he acted reckless and that’s exactly what he’s doing again.  He’s willingly sacrificing himself so that other parents, i.e., Eddie, Chimney, Bobby and Hen can live.

Buck hopped on a victim’s bicycle in 6x4 to chase the car that had Chimney trapped inside of it with a drunk driver.  Buck was probably thinking that Chimney is the father of his niece Jee-Yun; therefore he needs to live because it didn’t matter what happened to him even though Eddie yelled, “Buck, where the he!! you going?” Eddie doesn’t want Buck to get hurt because he’s been planning for them to be together forever since he changed his will in 3x15 “Eddie Begins”. Buck wants to build a life with Eddie too but he’s scared Eddie will reject him so he’s just choosing to keep things exactly the way that they are instead of running the risk of losing it all.  

With the way things are now, Buck probably doesn’t believe he will ever have a family because everyone he knows already had or currently has one, except for him. The sperm donor situation with Connor is SOMETHING and it’s causing Buck to act impulsively and irrationally because he may see it as his only chance to leave a piece of himself behind even if he wouldn’t be allowed to be in the child’s life.  While he was talking to Connor and Cameron, it was extremely clear that’s not what he wants, to be “a donor, not a dad” but it’s probably all he thinks he can have. Seeing Connor with a wife and learning that he wants to start a family only highlighted for Buck that he doesn’t have a family of his own (he does with Eddie and Christopher).  Buck has an idea of the way his family is “supposed to” look to someone who’s on the outside looking in just like Eddie had the same idea in season 5 before he finally decided to breakup with Ana. Eddie even said it during the breakup conversation, “I thought it would work, I…I did…the idea of us…”.   Well Buck’s having a similar experience now but the show isn’t allowing Buck and Eddie to talk to each other so…it would be helpful for Buck if he and Eddie could communicate with each other in CANON.  

Buck should already know that he can build a life with Eddie because Thomas already told him how it worked for him and Mitchell. Thomas was the first person to tell Buck that he could love any person he wants to and build a life with them. Buck and Eddie were both on the scene of that call in 2x8 “Buck Actually” but Buck was the one who talked to Thomas; therefore he received the assignment of “You don’t find it son, you make it”.  Then Buck met Red in 3x16 “The One That Got Away” and he told Buck that it’s ok to be the firefighting hero and save lives but he warned him when he said, “don’t neglect having your own”.  He was trying to tell Buck to build a life for himself while he was working so that he wouldn’t end up like he did, dying alone with regrets. Then Buck talked with Lev in 6x2 “Crash and Learn” and Lev told him how he had spent the last 40 years of his life doing everything he was “supposed to do, marriage, kids, big house, fancy cars and weekends at the shore” but the most important part of what he said was it all ended up being a blur for him because he could barely remember any of it.  He finally understood right before he died that he could have been happy a long time ago if he had chosen to live his life the way he wanted to instead of the way everyone else said he was supposed to.  That’s one of many of Buck’s problems because he spends too much time trying to live his life for others instead of for himself.  He’s not happy and he keeps looking past the life and family he wants even though it’s right in front of him (Eddie and Christopher).

Buck is already a DAD to Christopher and he’s practically Eddie’s HUSBAND because he gets to be himself when he’s with Eddie.  He’s relaxed, confident and most importantly he’s HAPPY whenever they’re together. He’s comfortable in his own skin and he doesn’t look like he’s pretending the way he did in his previous relationships.  Buck and Eddie move seamlessly whenever they’re around each other and they both understand one of their top priorities is to take care of Christopher.  They love each other and will do anything to keep the other one safe.  Buck listens to Eddie and Eddie takes care of Buck.  They understand their relationship is give and take instead of one of them always giving while the other just takes.  That was one of the problems they’ve both had in their previous relationships.

Buck told Maddie in 3x11 “Seize the Day”, “This is Eddie’s house, I’m not really a guest” and his statement was very true.  He’s at home when he’s there with them and he’s confident in his role within their family dynamic.  His statement to his sister was proof that he knows who he wants to spend the rest of his life with and his actions every time Eddie almost died are further proof of that too but Buck’s issue is he doesn’t want to lose Eddie so he’d rather keep things exactly the way they are even though he could have it all if he confesses his love for Eddie and their family.

For Buck and Eddie to become a romantic couple, it’s very likely that Eddie will have to be the one to confess his love to Buck first and the reason for that is Buck believes that his and Eddie’s current relationship and the time he gets to spend with Eddie and Christopher is all he’ll ever get.  He’s chosen to accept that for what it is and it’s unlikely that he’ll ever question Eddie about it. Therefore Eddie will have to take Christopher’s advice that he gave him in 5x11 “Outside Looking In” and be brave.  He will have to explain to Buck how he’s been in love with him for years but he was too scared to tell him since he didn’t want to risk everything they’ve already built together.  Additionally he will have to tell Buck again that he’s not expendable and explain why that’s true so that Buck will stop risking his life and understand that just like the rest of the 118, he has a family that needs him to come home too.  If Buck believes he can only be a father to Christopher if Eddie is dead, i.e., be “his spare dad”, then he would rather sacrifice himself so that Eddie can live because he wants the three of them to be a family together.  Buck has two fears, one is losing Eddie and the second one is being left behind so if he does lose Eddie, then he believes he will automatically be left behind because Eddie is the only person that he wants to build a life with so they can be happy together.  Eddie thought he took care of Buck’s fear about being left behind and not having a family when he named Buck to be Christopher’s legal guardian in his will.  He wants them to have each other but none of them, including Eddie want to live a life without the other two. Buck is so scared of losing Eddie that he’s willingly sacrificing his happiness to keep things the way that they are between them.  That means Eddie will have to initiate the conversation especially since he’s comfortable and confident in his own actions now that he’s been in therapy for several months. Will it take Buck being in the hospital due to a life-threatening injury for Eddie to finally confess his love to Buck?  Who knows but Buck’s recent actions illustrate how he is headed towards a breakdown and Eddie should be there to help him pick up the pieces just like Buck was there for him in 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”. They’re in love with each other but they’re both too scared to be the first one to confess, so someone will have to make the first move and it shouldn’t take another near-death experience for that to happen.  But it appears that’s the direction the show could be going in before they make them a CANON couple.

[hippolotamus]

Fuck it Friday

Thanks for the tags @spotsandsocks @achillesbuck @alyxmastershipper @ajunerose 🥰

Tagging @elvensorceress @fatedbuddie @buddierights @shortsighted-owl @alysiswriting @this-is-bwr

Earlier this week there was a fantastic post from @rose-buddie on a topic I think about quite a bit. So, for this Fuck it Friday I'm sharing some Eddie & his queer feelings* from my fic Whatever may come (your heart I will choose)

yes it's lengthy, but... context *Adding the usual caveats about this being my take on things. It's incredibly personal and everyone will have their own opinions. Enjoy and be nice to one another 💙

“When will you come to visit, Edmundo?” 

“Maybe when I’m sure you and Mom won’t try to trap me there,” Eddie retorts. He thinks he should feel bad about it, but he really doesn’t. He’s got a great life, with people who love him, right where he is. He’s tired of being made to feel guilty for not staying in El Paso. “You can come here, too.” 

“We’ve been there!” his mother protests.

Almost a year ago when I got my shield.  

“It doesn’t matter, we’re not talking about this now.” Eddie puts his phone on speaker so he can take his frustrations out on the dishes in his sink. Naturally, his parents move on to an equally grating topic.

“So,” Helena begins, “have you met anyone? A nice girlfriend you haven’t told us about?”

“Not really time to do that, Mom. Kinda busy with work and Christopher.” He scrubs at a plate coated with dried eggs and cheese instead of telling them that, yes, he has met someone and, no, they don’t need to know anything else. He knows better. One way or another they’ll break him down until he says more and that will only open the floodgates to an entirely different son they didn’t know they had. 

With hardly any effort on their part, it’s the thing that breaks him anyway. 

The ringing in his ears grows louder, drowning out whatever his mother and father are carrying on about. Maybe a neighbor, or one of his sisters? All he knows is the white noise and the constricting sensation building under his ribcage. It feels like it’s taking up too much room, crushing vital organs, and simultaneously hollowing him out.

Eddie doesn’t remember hanging up the phone, or dropping the plate. He remembers angrily scraping at globs of stuck on cheddar and coming back around on his kitchen floor next to shattered glass, hearing water still flowing from the faucet. 

He tentatively sits up, inspecting his palms and forearms for stray bits of debris and scratches. There’s nothing he can see, just the way his hands shake when he holds them up. His head doesn’t hurt, but his back is stiff. How long was he down and out?

Eddie inhales through his nose, and forcefully exhales through his mouth. Again, and once more before he feels like he’s really come back to himself. His watch tells him only five or so minutes have passed. Only when his phone buzzes on the counter does he finally make himself stand, brushing off his jeans to see it’s his parents calling. They’ve called six times and left three voicemails. He should pick up the phone and call them back, so they don’t worry. He should. He will. Just not yet. He needs a minute – maybe a lifetime – to sort through what the fuck just happened. To identify why continuing to hide what his parents already don’t know made… whatever that was occur. 

His phone buzzes again, only this time it’s his tiá, and he’s at least smart enough not to ignore her.

“Eddito, I just got a call from your Papá. What happened? He said they heard a crash and then nothing.” 

“I’m fine. Really,” he insists. “ Just trying to do too many things at once.”

She hums skeptically, and he’s sure if he could see her face she would be frowning. He probably would, too, if he were her. 

“You know you can tell me. You don’t have to keep it to yourself.”

He knows he could tell her. It’s not as if she and Abuela don’t already know about Buck. Hell, they probably knew before he did. Abuela and Pepa both cried and hugged him and, when they calmed down enough, demanded he bring Buck for dinner. They both understood that they were among the first to find out, other than Lena and Maddie, and vowed to keep quiet until he was ready. 

“I will,” Eddie promises. “I’m just still figuring some stuff out.”

“If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure. See you for Sunday dinner?”

“Of course. I’ll see you boys then.”

Eddie ends the call and leans back against the counter, crossing his arms like it’ll keep all these too-big feelings from escaping. He tries to dig into them a bit, sort through the fog and overwhelm. It only serves to make him more frustrated that he can’t put a name to what’s bothering him, to the cavernous ache that forms in his chest when he thinks about sharing Buck with the rest of his family. Eventually, defeated and irritable, he sighs, pushing off the counter to find the broom and dustpan. 

❤️❤️❤️

He doesn’t tell Buck about what happened with the phone call and the broken dish. Not at first. It isn’t until nearly two weeks later that he decides to say something. Because it inadvertently ends up being Buck who gives Eddie the push he needs. 

Eddie’s just gotten home from dropping Christopher at school and Buck is spending a few hours with Maddie. He intends to spend the time finalizing the grocery list, catching up on laundry, and changing the oil in the truck. He decides to start with the truck so he goes to the bedroom to put on some rattier clothes. When he tosses his henley to the bed, he spots the greenish-blue cover on Buck’s nightstand. Curious, he walks over to see what Buck’s reading now, expecting to find something on an ancient civilization or a biography on Nikola Tesla. Instead, it’s neither of those. Not even close. Eddie stares, a little dumbfounded, at the cartoonish pink lettering overlaying a drawing of two boys standing side by side, their backs to the viewer, and a scattering of pink leaves. 

He picks up the book – Heartstopper Volume 1 – intending to flip through the first few pages and get a feel for what it’s about. A graphic novel isn’t exactly what he expects, or anything he thinks Buck would be interested in. It looks too mature to be something Buck might have bought for Christopher. Eddie doesn’t think he’s read an actual book since he enlisted, much less anything like this. As a kid he enjoyed the comics in the Sunday newspaper, or borrowing copies of Captain America and X-Men from the library, but that was it. 

Instead of stopping, he continues reading, getting absorbed in Nick and Charlie’s story. Two teenage boys, riddled with insecurities, hiding themselves as much as their affection for each other. He carries it to the kitchen when he makes a sandwich for lunch, and then to the back porch when he’s full. It’s where Buck finds him hours later, sitting quietly on the steps with the closed book on his lap.

“Hey, Eds,” Buck says quietly, sitting next to him and bumping their shoulders together. “What, uh, what’s going on? I texted a few times while I was with Maddie. Guess you didn’t see any of those.”

Eddie wants to tell him that he must have forgotten his phone when he was getting changed, or that he’s sorry and hopes he didn’t miss anything urgent. Instead he stares blankly ahead and says, “I broke one of the salad plates.”

“Uh, okay. That’s- no big deal. It’s not like we have to replace the whole set or anything.”

He finally turns to look at Buck, noting the way his eyebrows are raised and he’s biting his bottom lip nervously. Underneath Buck’s anxious exterior, Eddie still sees what he’s always found there. You’re safe. I’ve got your back. You matter. So Eddie tells him about the phone call with his parents, the chasm in his chest when he thinks about telling them he’s not just friends with Buck – that they’re in a romantic, committed relationship.

“I didn’t know how to put words to it – this feeling – to define what it is. I’m not sure I know any better now, either. The thing is,” Eddie continues, “when I’m with you, I’m safe. When we’re out with Chris, holding hands and just… being together, it’s ordinary in the best fucking way. The three of us being a family is easier than breathing. There’s nothing to think about, it makes sense . I don’t feel any different. I’m not any different. I’m still me and yet with my parents I’m… not me? Like I’m continually locking a piece of myself away for their benefit and holding my breath until they’re gone. Does that make sense?”

“More than you know.” Buck doesn’t elaborate and Eddie doesn’t push for an explanation. Eddie knows he’ll say something when he’s ready. 

“It’s kinda why I bought the book,” Buck adds, nodding toward Eddie’s lap. “Maybe it’s not a great reason, but so many people were raving about it online, and talking about how they wished they had something similar as teenagers. It wasn’t, like, FOMO or anything. Just- I knew I had to.”

Christ, what Eddie would give to have had anything like it then. Maybe, reading about someone like Nick — the popular rugby player who struggles with his image and sexuality — would have made it easier to have hope. Instead, it was all stories following the AIDS crisis and celebrities being called “brave” for coming out publicly. Even those positive moments felt more like flickers, sparks lost in an endless night sky. Like Luke. 

After Buck’s accident, reading the letter and reliving memories of Luke was like examining artifacts left over from another time. A moment that happened to a long forgotten, shut away version of himself. Attempting to sift through them now, knowing what he knows, is akin to tiptoeing through a minefield. At the other end there’s a sixteen-year-old edition of Eddie asking – begging – permission to speak. Seeking answers for questions he didn’t know could be posed, and wanting to define feelings using words that didn’t exist yet. At least not in his world. Not in El Paso where, even if someone was some flavor of queer, it was kept in the shadows. There was an unspoken rule that it wasn’t discussed. It wasn’t a thing to be proud of. Or a way of life that Eddie ever saw as attainable for himself, even as coming out became more mainstream. After Shannon got pregnant, after Christopher was born, Eddie had his marching orders so to speak. He had a wife, and a son, and anything he desired before became irrelevant. Wiped away. Erased. 

“Grief again,” Eddie mutters, with a sudden clarity. 

Buck scrunches his eyebrows, understandably confused. “Uh, what did I miss?

Eddie checks his watch, they still have time before they have to get Chris. He quickly stands and holds his hand out to Buck. 

“Can I show you something?”

His hands shake the tiniest bit as he leads Buck back to his – their? – bedroom. “If you, uh, want to sit you can. I just need to get something from the safe.”

Eddie stands in front of the closet, his quivering fingers poised to open it. It shouldn’t be a big deal to pull a door open, but right now it feels damn near impossible. Buck lightly touches Eddie’s sides, alerting him to his presence so Eddie isn’t startled. He wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist and hooks his chin over Eddie’s shoulder, surrounds him. 

“Eds, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Buck’s voice is low and soothing in his ear. “Whatever it is.”

“No, it’s not that. I do want to.” Eddie tries to give himself permission to relax into Buck’s embrace, to let it settle him until the trembling stills and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s trying to escape his chest. “Um, there was an accident. A car accident.”

“You mean Shannon?” Buck asks when Eddie doesn’t say anything more for nearly a minute. 

He sighs and scrubs at his forehead, frustrated that speaking — one of the most basic human skills — is so complicated at times. Eddie wants to keep facing the wall, to stay hidden, but Buck deserves better than that. Buck’s hands land at Eddie’s waist once he’s turned around and they can see each other. 

“Um, not Shannon. Fuck, now that I’ve started talking out loud, this seems like… a terrible idea.” 

Buck‘s hands move to Eddie’s face, carefully cradling him, and sweeping his thumbs back and forth across his cheekbones. “Hey, remember what I said? All your baggage. Anything. Okay?” 

“Yeah, okay,” Eddie nods, taking a deep breath before he continues. “So, obviously Shannon and I were together for a long time. Since we were kids, basically. Like some great first love kinda deal. But she wasn’t that, not really. Not the first anyway.”

Eddie feels the impulse to run, to get as far from this conversation as possible. He knows what they said about having each other’s back, and taking on all their emotional “stuff”. That doesn’t make it any easier to say the words out loud. Even with Buck resting his hands on Eddie’s shoulders, patiently waiting for him to speak again. 

“His name was Luke,” Eddie finally says. “He started at my high school in the beginning of junior year. His family had just moved from Vermont to be closer to his aunt and cousins and all that. Anyway, we started hanging out, became best friends. And then- we were more than that.” Eddie pauses, trying not to get caught in the tangle of memories. If the lump in his throat is any indication, he’s pretty sure his efforts are failing. “It was, um, a very different time. A different place. We hid everything, from everyone. Our parents, friends, people in general.”

“That’s… awful. What happened?” Buck asks quietly. 

“A late 80’s pickup truck happened. Driving home from school and the other driver ran the red light. Died instantly. I never really thought about it before, but I guess that’s probably a big part of why I felt compelled to become an Army medic and always wanted to do something that helped people. I was reading that book today and it all just kinda hit me. I went to his memorial service, like all the other kids. Just another classmate paying their respects.” Eddie lets out an irritated huff, feeling the past resentment bubble up. “Funeral was for family only. I couldn’t mourn or grieve the way I wanted. The way I needed. Fuck, I couldn’t even talk to the stupid guidance counselor at school.”

“That must have been rough. How did you deal with it all?” 

“Same thing as always, I guess. Threw myself into schoolwork, asked for more hours at my job, kept busy. Basically I didn’t deal with it. Just told everyone I was fine and moved on.” 

“But you didn’t,” Buck says, more an observation than an accusation. “Move on, I mean.”

“No, not really.” 

Buck bites his bottom lip and pinches his eyebrows together, like he’s working through something. Gathering fragments of information and trying to stitch them together. “So, this happened to you not once, but twice?”

“Almost three,” Eddie confirms quietly. Buck pulls him closer, burying his face into the curve of Eddie’s neck, like he’s apologizing for nearly dying due to circumstances beyond his control. Eddie holds Buck in return, one hand resting against the small of his back, the other rubbing soothing circles, reassuring Buck he’s grateful they’re here now. 

Buck lifts his head to look at Eddie again. “Tell me what happened next?”

“There wasn’t much after that. Met Shannon and… well, you know the rest of that story. I guess it was more about the phone call with my parents the other week. Mom asked if I had a girlfriend I wasn’t telling them about, and I just got so angry. At first I thought it was just the usual pissed off about them prying where they don’t belong. And because I wanted to tell them about you. To be able to tell them about us. The more I think about it, what you said about how people wished they had something like Heartstopper when they were younger — I think that’s a big part of what’s bothering me. They assumed if I did have someone it would be a woman. I’m a grown man, with a kid, living in LA, and I still don’t feel comfortable telling them I have a boyfriend.” Eddie lets out an exasperated sigh, “I couldn’t do it then and I still can’t now. It’s like I’m sixteen all over again and having to hide who I am. There’s so much resentment built up because I never got to have this as a kid. I can’t go back in time, and I can’t get any do-overs. I just want to be able to have it all now. With you.”

Buck catches his eye again, looking serious. “Eddie, I- I wanna do everything with you. This is a conversation for another time, but, um, I know how it is to have to hide yourself — even as an adult. If you remember just one thing, I need you to know there’s no timeline here. Not with me. You can tell them or not tell them whenever you’re ready. I mean, I assume at some point they might come here and you’ll have some explaining to do.”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath on that,” Eddie mutters. 

“Either way,” Buck says, “I wanted you to know I’ll support whatever choice you make. When they call I can be your boyfriend or just the codependent best friend who’s constantly at your house hanging out with your super cool kid.”

“Thank you.” Eddie kisses him, chaste and soft. “For everything.”

“Anything,” Buck reassures him. They’re silent then, foreheads pressed together, until Eddie feels Buck shift like he’s furrowing his brow. 

“You said you never told anyone,” he says, the implication clearly beginning to register. “Does that mean-“

“It means you’re the first person I’ve ever told any of this to. About any of it.”

“Eds,” Buck’s voice is shaky and Eddie can see tears forming when he pulls back just enough to look at Buck properly. “I- thank you. For trusting me with that.”

I trust you with everything. My life, my heart, my son, my future.

“Anything. Everything,” Eddie says instead. 

“Can you- I mean, would you tell me more about him? About Luke?” 

“What do you want to know?”

“How about just start at the beginning and we’ll go from there?”

“I’d like that,” Eddie says, leading Buck to the bed so they can lay curled up together. 

Eddie tells him about the first day they met, and how he never expected Luke to want to even want to be friends with him. He fondly recalls lazy afternoons reading under the oak tree and how he never returned to the tree after the accident. He chose a new spot on a bench at the other side of the school. It had less shade, and wasn’t nearly as comfortable, but it didn’t hold as many bitter reminders. Not to mention Eddie’s classes and work took more of his time, so he wasn’t reading as much anyway. 

“Hey,” Buck begins, carding his fingers through Eddie’s hair. “You said earlier you wanted to show me something?”

“I mean- it’s not- It’s nothing really.” In the warmth of the sunny afternoon, after hours of being engrossed in something that made him feel so seen, it seemed like a reasonable idea to share a physical piece of his past with Buck. Now that Eddie’s flayed himself open, it seems less so. 

Unsurprisingly, Buck sees right past his flimsy objection, raising an eyebrow at him. “So insignificant you brought me back here, poured out years of grief, and told me things  that you’ve never told anyone else?”

“Maybe?”

“Eds, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to. Ever. You know that. I’m just sensing that maybe this isn’t nothing.” 

“It’s not,” Eddie admits. “I just don’t want you to get freaked out by it. Like, I realize this might be a heavy thing now that we’re talking about it.”

“Heavier than telling me about your dead high school boyfriend?” Buck asks, eyebrow raised. 

“Right,” Eddie gives him a quick kiss on his forehead before sitting up and making his way to the closet. He inputs the safe combination, pulling the door open to retrieve the box. Eddie walks back to the bed where Buck is laying on his side, propped up on his elbow, curiously eyeing the wooden object. 

“This was the last thing he gave me. Well, only thing, really,” Eddie explains, tracing the outline of the puzzle box. “He left it in my truck at school as a surprise. But, it was the afternoon of the accident. So I never got to thank him or tell him what I thought about it. How much it meant to me even though I told him not to get me anything. I guess now I’m glad he didn’t listen.”

“Looks like he knew you pretty well. Have you ever thought of setting it out somewhere?”

“No? I mean it always felt too painful, and I never wanted to explain it. Besides, wouldn’t that be… awkward for you?”

Buck takes his hand, threading their fingers together. “It obviously means something that you held onto it. You don’t have to, but it won’t bother me if you do.”

Eddie leans down to press a kiss to their interwoven fingers, wondering what he did to deserve a partner like Buck. “I’ll think about it.”

Buck doesn’t say any words, but replies with his soft, only-for-Eddie smile, and manages to tell Eddie everything he needs to hear anyway. 

❤️

Talking with Buck helps ease the ache in Eddie’s chest. The one that still makes him feel locked up and like he’s not allowed – or supposed to even want – to have this life he’s living. Buck gives Eddie the freedom to voice his frustrations, listening patiently and holding him or letting Eddie pace like a caged animal if he needs. 

They rarely discuss Eddie’s time in the military. That’s still a piece of history Eddie’s not ready to poke at. It does come up during one of his venting sessions when Buck asks if Eddie had any similar feelings then. If Eddie ever felt out of place being in the army, or if he felt safe to be who he was even if he never said it out loud. At first, Eddie didn’t think it was an issue and tells Buck as much. It was war and death and trying to survive long enough to get home to his family. There was no room to think about who he was other than a soldier, a son, a father, a husband. 

Not even when you were laid up in Afghanistan? his mind supplies. The thought surprises him until he starts mentally reviewing his time in the medical tent. A memory comes to him, fuzzy and dim at first, until it becomes clearer. He remembers the crackling static of a television and hearing the news: Wedding bells are ringing across the country in places like Texas and Alabama and Georgia. Places that some people thought this day might never come… From the Stonewall Inn in New York to San Francisco’s city hall, celebrations decades in the making. But, perhaps, none as meaningful as these. Same sex marriage ceremonies in states where it was illegal before today… ‘The time has come that Texas has finally caught up with history. Love rules’… ‘You wouldn’t think something so basic could take so long’.

Eddie remembers the way his breath caught as he listened while trying to appear like he wasn’t. At the time, his first thought had been wondering what his life might have looked like if this had only come ten years earlier. Would he have gone through with marrying Shannon? Would it have been okay to be who he was? Would it have been any more acceptable or would people stay stuck in their ignorance? His question was immediately answered when someone turned off the broadcast, mumbling ‘is this what the fuck we’re dying for?’ He remembers the way the light, airy bubble of hope had burst, leaving an acidic trail in its wake. The way he dug his fingernails into the palm of his hand, and bit the inside of his cheek in an attempt to contain the tears threatening to spill over. He remembers how fucking alone he felt in that moment, and passed the time until he fell asleep reminding himself he had a wife and a son that needed him to forget who he was and get his shit together as a husband and father. 

Despite all his talks with Buck, there’s a piece Eddie can’t quite put his finger on. Like a speck of dust on his eyelashes that he can’t see, but can’t get rid of either. 

Bobby encourages Eddie to talk to one of the department therapists, but Eddie’s not so sure he’s really a therapy kind of guy. Even if he was more than willing to have Christopher see someone. Is a therapist really going to help with a situation like this when Eddie barely knows what this is? If he’s being honest, it takes so much effort for Eddie to open up to the people he does know — how’s he going to open up to a total stranger?

The universe, however, seems determined to pry Eddie open and make him spill out whatever poison has been left in his system. One morning in November, while he’s out checking off his to-do list, he runs into Michael Grant at the home improvement store. 

“Hey, Eddie,” Michael tries to wave around the armful of lightbulbs he’s carrying. “How are you?” 

“I’m good. Do you need a basket or something?”

“Oh, no. I’m fine. I was just about to check out actually. No Buck today?” 

Eddie can’t help his automatic smile at the sound of Buck’s name. “Nah, he was pretty wiped out from our shift. He’s at home, dead to the world.”

“At home, huh? Things are pretty serious then.”

“Well, I-” Eddie feels his cheeks flush, heat creeping up the back of his neck. “Yeah, it is.”

Michael gives him a knowing smile, nodding his head slowly. “Good for you. I’m happy for you two.”

“Uh, thanks for that. I am, too. Really happy.” Because Eddie’s never been one to talk about himself he tries switching the focus back to Michael. “What about you? Anything or anyone new?”

“Work is steady, people always want new buildings. Kind of a shame with all the existing architecture, but no one wants to spend the money to renovate those. As for people… just me and the kids for now. Which reminds me, Athena asked if I could take them this weekend.” Michael manages to pull his phone from his pocket, still juggling the lightbulbs, to type a note for himself. 

Eddie realizes he’s never talked to Michael much. Not just in general, but about the dynamic between him and Athena after their divorce. It’s not any of Eddie’s business, he knows that. He still has a nagging feeling that he wants to ask anyway. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“As long as it’s not to help break into a bank vault,” Michael teases. 

“No, I’ll leave that to Bobby. I was just wondering, um, what was it like… telling Athena?” Eddie doesn’t say the rest but he thinks Michael gets it from the way his expression softens.

“I don’t have anywhere to be. Do you have time to grab a coffee?”

There’s a few odds and ends to pick up for new shelving in Christopher’s room, nothing that can’t wait. “Yeah, I do.”

Eddie helps Michael take his armload of merchandise through check out and they agree to meet at a cafe a couple blocks away. They’re able to find a semi-secluded table near the back where they can talk without much interruption. 

“No use sugar coating anything,” Michael says, stirring his hot tea. “It was one of the best and worst days of my life. On one hand I felt so relieved to finally say the words out loud. But it came at an astronomical price. I had to break my best friend’s heart, and I don’t think I will ever get over that.”

“I can imagine. Telling Shannon I thought we should get a divorce was hard enough. That was without realizing any of the feelings I had for Buck. I mean, maybe they were there? I don’t know. It’s not like I feel… wrong about being with him – far from it. The thing is-” What? Eddie cuts himself off, because this is the part that trips him up and makes him feel like he’s fumbling in the dark. 

“You know who you are, but you’re not sure anyone else does anymore?”

“Kind of? I haven’t said anything to my parents or sisters yet. And I only kept it from my sisters so they didn’t accidentally tell our mom and dad. I guess I just know there’s going to be questions about Shannon, and did I always know or is it because I moved to LA? What am I teaching Christopher? Shit like that. It’s none of their business, but they’re not going to give up. Y’know?”

Michael purses his lips, nodding his head in understanding. “Oh, I do. First of all, you’re one hundred percent correct. It’s not any of their business how you conduct your life or raise your son. Christopher is loved, and well cared for, and that’s what matters. As for the other stuff… well, I wish there was a handbook, but, sadly, no one’s written one yet. There’s a whole lot of gray areas. You can plan your conversations, and your answers, to the letter. The truth is it will make you learn your boundaries and when to stand your ground. It’ll change from person to person and not everyone needs to know everything. It might not feel like it sometimes, but you’re the one holding all the cards, Eddie. You are the final decision of who has access to you and your family.”

“Huh, I never thought of it like that. Everyone at the 118 has been so amazing – my abuela and tía, too – I guess I just keep holding my breath, waiting for the fallout from my parents. They’ve never given me a reason to think it would be a problem, but they never gave me a reason not to either. Being raised in a Catholic household isn’t very conducive to saying ‘guess what? I’m gay’ or queer or whatever it is I am.”

Michael taps the table to get his attention. “You are Eddie Diaz, first and foremost. Got that? Second, labels are… a very personal thing. I’m a gay man. I feel comfortable labeling myself that way. For you, it might be something different or you might not want to pick a specific word at all. There’s no rule saying you have to choose one. And just because you love Buck now doesn’t mean it invalidates what you had with your wife. It doesn’t make it any less real. When Athena and I got married, I genuinely loved her. I still love her, it just looks different than before.”

Eddie sips at his coffee that could be classified as lukewarm at best, letting Michael’s words sink in. He turns them around in his mind and tries to match them with his own experiences. He did love Shannon, that was real. He loves Buck and he knows it’s not just because Buck is another man. Buck is obviously attractive, but he’s also kind, intelligent, and caring. He treats Eddie and Christopher well, and makes it clear every day how much he loves them both. He loves Buck because he is Buck and everything that includes.

“That all makes sense,” Eddie says. “You said the conversations look different for everyone, but how did you feel about yourself and how people might see you? Specifically what it was like after all those years of being married to a woman, and having kids.”

“Oh boy, that was a reality check. Deep down, for a lot of years, I knew who I was. By the time I was ready to take ownership of that, to share it with others… well, let’s just say I didn’t consider that not everyone had as much time to adjust to the idea as I did. For me, I was done living in the shadows, I wanted to tell the world. For Athena, Harry, May, my friends and in-laws, it was more complicated. Harry and May probably handled it the best, but that was still touch and go at first. I think Athena knew to a point, even before. It was still tough for her not to feel like she was lied to – and I get it. I made a promise to her, a vow. Who wouldn’t be hurt getting blindsided like that? Friends and coworkers’ reactions were all over the map. Some were supportive, others didn’t understand how I’d ever married Athena, and started a family, if I knew I liked men. Some were downright ignorant and we haven’t spoken since. I guess I spent so long knowing, it felt like finally being able to breathe. After I realized not everyone wanted – or needed – to know, I figured the rest would fall into place.”

“So, has it?” 

“Mostly,” Michael says. “It’s an ongoing process. By now the most important people in my life know, and we’ve worked through it. We’ll probably do it again if I ever meet someone new, and again if I want to make him a permanent part of my life.”

“You make it sound so simple,” Eddie says around a chuckle. 

“Uh huh, I wish. You’ll get there in your own time.” Michael gives him a warm smile that feels somewhat reassuring. “Say, have you considered finding any local groups? You can even find something online if you want. Don’t get me wrong, I am always here to talk if you want. In my experience you can never have too many resources. It might even be something for Buck to look into.”

“Maybe, I’ll mention it to him. Speaking of, I should probably get home and try to get a little sleep before it’s time to get Chris. Thanks, Michael, for being so open with me.”

“Of course! Here, let me give you my number if you ever need anything. Even if you want to text, we don’t have to talk.”

They exchange phones, adding their information before handing them back, and saying goodbye. Nothing is new except having a conversation, but Eddie does feel lighter, like he’s not quite so alone in his experience. 

On the drive home he mulls over Michael’s suggestion about finding a group. Eddie knows it isn’t the same, but it still seems an awful lot like therapy and dumping his baggage on strangers. Maybe Buck will be more comfortable with it. If he is, he’ll want Eddie to go, too, but he won’t push if Eddie says no or not yet. 

Any thoughts of therapy, or his parents, dissolve when Eddie gets home and climbs under the covers. Buck barely moves except to automatically snuggle against him to be Eddie’s little spoon. He tucks one arm over Buck’s side, molding them together as much as he can. Eddie manages to whisper I love you, pressing a kiss to Buck’s neck before sleep drags him under. 

[sjfwrites]

My chain of thorns thoughts: Spoilers!!!

I have lots of thoughts and it might get a bit ranty so I’ll start with what I liked,

Thomastair—enough said, they owned this book.

The focus on rebuilding friendships Matthew/James Daisy/Lucy

The severity and care with which James abuse was handled.

The scene where Belial possessed the humans—it was creepy and awful

Grace and Jesse throwing bombs

Christopher coming back to help Grace finish the fire message

James flicking the lamp on- the drama felt perfect

Mathews journey

The epilogue.

Ok, now what I didn’t like. (There’s a lot,sorry)

Herondaisy / James refusal to tell her about the bracelet— it all felt silly and pointlessly dragged out. CC hyped herondaisy up so much for this book and I honestly think we were given breadcrumbs. They barely even had an entire conversation, chapter 23 was great but I’d rather have seen them actually discuss their feelings and James be honest with her. I hated Grace confessing to Cordelia, it just felt like corner cutting.

No wedding runes 🤬 I’ll never get over not being given this moment— I so wanted to see them renew their marriage just the two of them.

The last 30% dragged. It felt pointless with no stakes.

Cordelia and Lucie going to Edom and achieving nothing and leaving immediately— boring and pointless.

Beliels big plan being he wanted to become the king of England — again felt so stupid.

The drama with Bridgestock— literally only mattered to get all the parents out of London (nothing else happened with that plot)

Kits death— so rushed it might as well not have happened.

Here’s what I would have liked to see:

Beliel finding a way to take over the living Silent brothers and iron sisters as well as the dead

Maybe taking over idris instead of London and having them all trapped there the gang had to get into idris to find James and end Beliel.

James/Beliel almost killing one of his parents— imagine Will trying to get theough to James and it not working until the last moment. Will on his knees telling his son that he loves him and it’s alright before James manages to fight back.

James and Cordelia fighting each other under Beliel and Liliths influence— both of them tearing themselves apart rather than hurt the other.

Kind of rambling but there we are 😂

[dorkydiaz]

Eddie being on another gurney at the same time as Buck 💀 also wondering who would tell Christopher if both of them were hurt enough to not be able to at least call him . (Trying not to think about Chris being allowed to visit at the hospital and sitting between their two beds)

okay but i have never been camp eddie mal so gets knocked out cause he’s been through enough lately.

i’m thinking more he’s (trapped) inside and when another captain/ic comes on the radio saying the 118 is headed out with one of their own down he fights his way back out and has to hitch a ride with someone else to the hospital. only then does he find out that it’s buck.

cause maybe it’s the traumatized child in me but i do not want chris to go through potentially losing both his parental figures at the same time. he’s been through enough. even if eddie is less injured than buck, but like having both of the strongest adults in his life in the hospital at the same time would do irrecoverable damage imo. but that’s just me maybe

[buddierecs]

meddling buddie fics

(basically the firefam trying to set up buddie!) this list has different rated fics, so please look at the rating make sure to kudos/comment on these amazing works :)

ripples all the way down by: iriswests "christopher partakes in some parent trapping" word count: 57k rating: mature important tags: jealous!evan buckley, jealous!eddie diaz, slow burn, miscommunication, happy ending epiphanies, soft words, and hushed moans at the brink of dawn by brewrosemilk "...."hey - while we’re… describing people. people we know, people we don’t - why don’t you describe eddie for me?” “what?” buck frowns, looking up from his beer. “let’s call it a game,” chimney shrugs." word count: 19k rating: explicit important tags: love confessions, first time, porn with feelings, frottage, barebacking, riding, come eating across our great divide (a glorious sunrise) by: catchingpapermoons "eddie gets buck to come to couples therapy with him." word count: 53k rating: mature important tags: couples therapy, getting together, ptsd, angst with a happy ending, idiots in love operation idiots in love by: thisisallinmyhead "tired of the mutual pining, the firefam decide it's time to nudge eddie and buck in the right direction. because families meddle, right?" word count: 20k rating: general audience important tags: idiots in love, meddling, mutual pining, bets, love confession, secret relationship and i feel just like i want to kiss you underneath my mistletoe by: oklahoma "5 times the team tries to get eddie and buck to kiss under the mistletoe and the 1 time they do. kinda." word count: 9.3k rating: teen and up important tags: 5+1 things, meddling, love confessions, kissing, hijinks & shenanigans, team as family locked in (for your own good) by: ellesworth86 "some people need to get their heads out their asses and admit their feelings, so bobby locks them in his office." word count: 1.6k rating: general audience important tags: idiots in love, meddling, love confessions, panic attacks once is chance, twice is coincidence, thrice is meddling by: my_hopeless_opus "s7 where both buck and eddie are freshly single and lonely, so all they do is thirdwheel madney, henren and bathena until the couples get tired of them and decide to set them up." word count: 10k rating: teen and up important tags: meddling, fluff, angst, getting together, team as family, multiple pov

if anyone has any other fics similar to this, please let me know! i know that there are so many more, i just couldn't figure out the correct tag to find them :)

[livia-dovehallow]

how do you think the events of chot affected Anna later on in life?

Although I think she was severly ooc in all the saga but well

**SPOILER WARNING!!**

Well, there's how **I** think it should have gone/should go and then there's what it implied in the coda and epilogue.

The coda and epilogue really imply heavily that Anna was relatively fine for the rest of her life and I think that's a load of bullshit.

SO. I shall tell you the proper course of events.

Let's start with the fact that she was there for her baby brother's armed kidnapping and subsequent rescue. She saw her estranged aunt carve a rune on her three-year-old brother and was the person who jumped in at the last moment to save him from irreperable harm from a finished rune.

Then there's her not-so-strange-but-still-kind-weird evolving relationship with Ari. She's 19. Relationships are chaotic. Especially when your family is also going through a lot and your sort-of-ex-girlfriend shows up at your door saying she can't go back home. And then your own parents basically immediately fold her into the family.

But, the big one you probably specifically meant for me to address: her brother died.

Anna had to watch her brother die in her arms despite trying over and over again to save him with what resources she had at hand. And she couldn't even find solace in her family because she's trapped in London away from her parents--the people she probably wanted to be with more than anything. Anna acts tough, but we know she deeply cares about her family and she has always been protective of Christopher.

That has to mess you up. Yet the only canonical aftermath we see of Anna's grief is her crying at night and Ari hearing it and trying to help. Can we take a moment to consider how she had to have felt when she finally did see her parents? Having to face them when she knows that Christopher died in her arms and she couldn't save him? No matter how much she logically knows she isn't at fault, she probably felt some level of guilt and pain about it.

Then there's the hypothetical funeral we didn't get. It can't be easy to hear your mother scream in that kind of pain when the pyre is lit. Or to watch your dad, who you've also looked up to your whole life, repress his own grief out of pure concern and love for you, your brother, and your mother, knowing full well that he is grieving too.

And at that point, Christopher's absence has to be felt hard by her. She spent, what, 16 years of her life as Christopher's big sister? She had to have been so used to the smell of burnt clothing and random chemicals. Used to hearing a million facts about things she hasn't a clue about. Used to hearing a random explosion every now and again. But now everything smells unburnt and everything is silent.

I don't think Anna would just pick up and travel halfway around the world less than a year later and leave her parents. I completely understand her wanting to visit India with Ari and appreciate her own family heritage, too, but I think Ari would have understood Anna wanting to stay a little longer to make sure they would be all right.

Later on in her life, I definitely think there are some things she smells or hears that instantly trigger a wave of sadness because it reminds her of Christopher. "He would have loved this," kind of emotion. The rapid advancement of technology during what should have been his whole lifetime? Christopher would have been fascinated with all of it.

She, like I imagine Cecily, too, develops an almost trigger-like response at seeing throwing knives. I don't think either of them ever touch a throwing knife again. Which probably proves difficult for Anna given she is a Shadowhunter and has to cross paths with other Shadowhunters who use throwing knives. She just can't see them without being reminded of seeing her brother die with a throwing knife in his shoulder.

One thing I am grateful for is the establishment of various kinds of afterlives in the Shadow World. I am glad that eventually she does get to see her brother again. I imagine Christopher is so happy to see her. (Not to mention how their parents probably felt seeing him again. I won't get into that. It makes me cry, for real.)

So, yeah. I think the pain eases with time, as it does with most things, but she never, ever forgets about him and probably finds herself talking aloud to nobody pretending she's talking to him.

NOW I REALLY AM CRYING. I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH AND I HATE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM GOD DAMN IT.

[reginaldqueribundus]

movies I recently watched

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)

Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller) — yes that’s his name — is a neurosurgeon / rock star / racecar driver who sometimes works for the US President and also does weird science experiments. After he drives his rocket-truck through another dimension a mad scientist (played by John Lithgow as a crackhead with a bad Italian accent) tries to steal his technology thingy to free a bunch of alien war criminals trapped inside a mountain, and the other aliens are going to start a nuclear war with Russia if Buckaroo B. doesn’t stop them in time. Meanwhile he falls in love with a random lady who tries to shoot herself at one of his concerts and might be his dead wife’s identical twin. The film also features Jeff Goldblum as a doctor who dresses like a cowboy and Christopher Lloyd as an alien named “John Bigbooty”. And Clancy Brown, too!

There is way too much going on in this movie but it’s still kind of fun, and the weird cast makes it worthwhile. 6.5/10

Vesper (2022)

Vesper (Raffiella Chapman) is just your average girl who became a self-taught biogenetic engineer in hopes of gaining entrance to one of the Citadels where all the rich people live in comfort and safety from the world they destroyed. Her dad has Bedridden Movie Parent Disease but he controls a floating robot head that follows her around. This is one of those indie films starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of except That One Guy (in this case Eddie Marsan as Vesper’s creepy uncle who I think wants to marry her? ewww). I enjoyed it except for one weird scene where Eddie Marsan kinda fingers a sci-fi lady’s neck vagina.

The plot is a hurricane of sci-fi tropes we’ve seen before, but the acting and production design are so good it doesn’t matter. 8/10

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

Evelyn Wang (Michelle Yeoh) is a Chinese-American laundromat owner who just can't seem to get along with her gay daughter, her annoying husband, her disapproving elderly father, or the IRS. Naturally she’s also the chosen one who has to save the multiverse by brain-hijacking alternate versions of herself who have done way cooler stuff than her. Also James Hong, Sigourney Weaver and the guy who played Short Round are there.

This is a movie where Michelle Yeoh rides a teppanyaki chef down the street like a bicycle, desperately kung fu fights a man to stop him from shoving something up his ass, and has a passionate sapphic relationship with her IRS auditor in a universe where humans have hot dogs for fingers. What else can I say about it? It’s like Rick and Morty but somehow stupider and way more optimistic. Ultimately it’s less about the road not taken and more about connecting with the people in your life, here and now. I liked it. 9/10

Nope (2022)

OJ & his sister Em (Daniel Kaluuya & Keke Palmer) are trying to keep their dad’s movie stunt horse ranch afloat, but thar’s aliens in them thar hills. Along comes Ricky Park (Steven Yeun), a failed child actor / theme park owner who lost his capacity for good decision-making when he witnessed a chimp murder at the age of 9, to make everything worse. With the help of the world’s most dedicated Geek Squad member and a pretentious Hollywood filmmaker who talks like a chainsaw that smokes five packs a day, can the siblings get a video of the aliens and get rich? And, y’know, not die?

This is one of those movies where everything is a spoiler, but that somehow doesn’t reduce its rewatch value. A horror film in the truest sense of the word. It probably won’t jumpscare you, but you’ll be thinking about it for days. 9.5/10