#David K Barnes

[imgonnagetkilledbynutstink]

I think I didn't react strongly enough to the sheer power of David K. motherfucking Barnes and Rusty Quill joining forces

[bullshotuk]

Monday 25th March free in your diary? Able to get to London? Why not come join the cast and crew at the Phoenix Arts Club, London for a spiffing evening of Audio Drama. The audio remake of the missing Lon Chaney horror classic - London After Midnight. Go on. You know you want to.

[kristsune]

Well, after hearing David as the doctor appear in Cry Havoc last week, I just had to make a little compilation between Demetrius and Dr Edgware from Wooden Overcoats.

[littleacebee]

David K. Barnes is playing doctor in Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later or, as we call it around here, Rusty Quill’s typecasting strikes again

[firstofficerrose]

Is that Dr. Edgeware? But... happy???

[thedoctorwhocompanion]

Reviewed: Big Finish’s Classic Doctors New Monsters Volume 4 – Broken Memories

Reviewed: @bigfinish’s #DoctorWho Classic Doctors New Monsters Volume 4 – Broken Memories

The fourth volume of Big Finish’s Classic Doctors New Monsters takes the range to a new level, this time solely focusing on three Steven Moffat creations. They’re so unique in different ways, they don’t disappoint. And isn’t it a funny coincidence that the anthology was released a few days before the exciting announcement of Moffat returning to write an episode for Season 1 (or as I prefer to…

[tandonshows]

This week, my guest was the wonderful creator of Wooden Overcoats, David K. Barnes.

If you're new to You Are What You Love, every week, a new guest joins me to talk about the piece of media that changed them most as a person. David chose Doctor Who, and we spent an hour and a half discussing how The Doctor made David into the person he is today.

We chatted about the kindness of The Doctor, the incredible legacy of the show, and how David went from being a childhood fan of the show to writing for multiple Doctors as an adult. Tangents include how the best ideas are often born out of the crisis of a deadline, the power of media making you feel less alone, and what it’s like to be too smart for your own good. 

You can listen to the episode on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Youtube | and all other platforms

[squeeneypod]

now that we have a larger cast list and jonny's last ask, im generally pretty excited about protocol! I look forward to a new story and different angle, along with all the writers they announced a while back. my general hope is limiting any tma characters to old tapes as part of whatever the mystery is, maybe alternate selves that are very minor characters but serve to highlight the differences of this universe.

i want focus on the new cast! im very excited to meet them! i need to meet ellie dickens' character immediately!!

[loverboybrightsideghost]

.

[fangirlinglikeabus]

starting the dalek occupation of winter

[mad-maximoff]

When We Met

Wanda Maximoff X G!P Reader 18+!!

Summary: You were invited but to a join a party at the new Avengers compound. You locked eyes with a certain Scarlet Witch

Warnings:(Female Reader has a pen!s) drunk sex, wlw, sloppy bj, unprotected sex, ejaculation

Word Count: 4.1 k

(I haven't written a fanfic with dicks in a LONG time! Almost 7 years lol! So I apologize if it isn't good.) :) <3 Enjoy!

Part 2 is here

It was never in your nature to come to these sorts of things. Though, one never passes an invitation from Tony Stark. Or else you’d get pestered by him relentlessly. You couldn’t figure out what to wear, but it had to be something formal. Not wedding-worthy, but drunk picture worthy where you still look hot as you’re a complete drunk mess. You wore a brownish-grey suit, with a sheer lace button-up top underneath. You allowed your bare skin to catch the air cooling yourself. You paired the outfit with some layered gold necklaces to liven it up. With your enhanced abilities, you had some things bigger than other women. Though, when you were so ‘happily bestowed’ onto you, there were some minor cons to the reality stone touching your civilian skin. Yes, you became stronger than a common super-soldier, and fight the Hulk family and live to tell the tale. The con is the extra appendage you weren’t born with. It was huge, frankly, everything about you was huge but the thing that hung between your legs made you feel like a real freak. 

You shook the thought away, fluffing the silk pants away from your skin, overthinking the inseam of your pants hugging your unwanted “third leg” too tight. 

You were in the main entrance in the front of the Avengers compound finishing off your smoke. Everyone was like cattle herding into the main doors leading into the party. You weren’t too fond of crowds, thinking everyone was staring at you. Your face was feminine but your shoulders down looked like a man's body. You looked like Bucky Barnes with tits. Or that’s what you thought.

“Oh miss Y/n! Fuck finally! Some real people to hang out with!” Kate sat slumped over on the couch, already drunk even when the party had just begun. She wasn’t wearing anything special, just a pair of ripped jeans and her white long-sleeved she always wear saying “лайка”. 

you were kicking yourself in the ass for dressing up. Until you noticed everyone but Kate was wearing something formal.

Yelena stood behind the bar with Tony mixing drinks. Yelena scoffed handing you a beer. 

“Da, Y/n. I’m quite pleased you are here. Kate is a fucking lightweight when it comes to drinking.” Her back turned to nudge Tony as he cleaned glasses. You noticed she forgot to open your beer. You looked around making sure no one was watching as you intertwined your index and your middle finger around the cap lifting it lightly making a popping noise.  

“Y/n. Come now. You don’t have to feel embarrassed about your strength. Buck and I can do that easily.” Steve stood behind you clinking your beer to his. You both took a swig each before finally finishing the conversation. 

“Oh, I’m not ashamed, Steve. I just don’t want to freak anyone out when if I accidentally shatter the bottle. You can control your strength. Sometimes I can’t.” Your fingers clung around the shaft of the bottle. You broke out in a tiny sweat, feeling your chest burn from the inside out. 

"If it happens, it happens Y/n. Accidents happen. We all know you're trying your best." Steve's hand pressed gently on your shoulder, walking off in front of you to join Natasha. You shrugged quitely chuckling to yourself. You followed along standing in front of Kate trying to lift her face off the pillow. "Come one champ! Let's get you sitting straight up huh?" You tried not to move her forcefully, but strong enough to move her body straight up. 

"Come on Y/n! Let's get fucked up!" Kate leaped up to her feet head-butting your collarbone. "No, no. How about I get you some water and sit your ass back down." You grabbed her shoulders sitting her back on the couch. "No! Fuck that! Let's get white girl wasted!" You had to laugh at her state. You've seen her drunk but never this out of it. You had to think of a plan so she wouldn't get sick. You darted to the bar whisking two shot glasses and a bottle of water. You poured the water into the shot glasses, running back to Kate. "Okay, Katey-baby. You wanna drink? Fine here you go!" Kate's hand slurred trying to latch onto the shot glass, finally, however, she gripped the glass throwing the water back. You drank yours slowly making sure Kate didn't notice. "Hell yeah! That went down fine! Give me another!" You turned ripping the water label off and pouring more into her glass. You heard a laugh behind you. You cocked your head around noticing a brunette wearing a white ruffled bustier cami dress, with black heels. She wasn't laughing over someone else saying something, she was laughing at you. You raised an eyebrow towards her which made her grin. She glided across the floor to the couch you were planted on with Kate. 

"Hey there! You wanna little help with this one?" She reached over to Kate's ponytail tightening the elastic. "Help with what Wanda? I'm fantastic! Y/n L/n, this is the beautiful Wanda Maximoff!" Kate tilted her head up to stare at the beautiful brunette. Her lips raised ear to ear, her lips were glossy. "You're too cute Kate." She made her way around the couch sitting next to Kate. "Hi, Y/n. Nice to meet you. Are you having fun babysitting Kate?" 

"Likewise, not really, but I've never seen her this bad. Yelena got ahold of her before I did." You flexed your hand seeing all the veins pop, clenching your knuckles under the gold ring on your middle finger. You seemed nervous speaking to Wanda but it wasn't hard. She was beautiful, yes, and you loved being around beautiful women like her. You loved women but it was hard to explain to women why you have a real dick. 

She laughed again flashing a pair of red eyes instead of green. "Oh yes, Yelena can be very heavy-handed with the booze. How did you meet the gang? You seem like a normal girl, with a little secret." Little secret? What secret? Can she tell? Is there an imprint? You glanced down quickly to see the crotch area, looking back at her. "Secret? Me? Haha, never. I met with Steve when he was searching for Bucky. I touched the reality stone and fucked with my entire genetic makeup completely." You laughed awkwardly seeing Wanda knew you did in fact have something to hide. Yelena came out of nowhere as she stood in front of us waiting for us to finish our conversation. Wanda broke her red-eyed contact with you returning to green to see Yelena. "What you want Maximoff? You want another beer Y/n? I told Barton to collect Kate Bishop so you won't be taking care anymore." She scoffed nudging Kate, taking the shot glasses away. Kate was passed out quite snoring in the middle of the couch.

"I'll have champagne." 

"Yeah, I'll take another beer, Yelena." You fidgeted your watch flexing your bicep, looking around the room and seeing it fill up quickly. 

                               ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Clint picked up Kate after a while of you and Wanda chatted. The party was intensely loud almost making it extremely hard to hear Wanda. The coffee table in front of you was surrounded by empty glasses and beer bottles. You both were getting drunk, the stone didn't affect you as the super-soldier serum did to Steve and Bucky. You can get drunk like a normal person. The only plus was you didn't get hungover. Wanda was warming up to you really quick. The spot where Kate sat was vacant with you and Wanda touching thigh to thigh. Her hand became accustomed to grazing your thigh ever so often. Her hand clenched, nails digging in lightly. It made you jump every time her hand went higher up your leg. 

"Funny. I touched the mind stone and it intensified my powers. My telekinesis, energy manipulation, and some form of neuroelectric interfacing, as Banner calls it. I just called it a burden." Wanda adjusted her body shifting her knees to touch your thigh. Her hand draped behind you against the back of the couch, as her other hand laid gently on your chest. You tried to stay calm feeling a warm sensation boil in the pit of your stomach. 

"Yeah it's a little crazy I guess, but at least you can hide your powers. I open a bottle the wrong way and it shatters. You get a lot of weird looks when your this big and still have boobs." You laughed sipping the last little bit of your final beer of the night. Wanda bit her lip softly staring you down. 

"I don't see that as a bad thing Y/n. You just haven't learnt how to manage your day-to-day with it. At least you weren't taken by HYDRA agents to be their main defence." Wanda hiccuped holding her free hand in front of her mouth. She reached in front of herself grabbed her glass, pulling it back. She looked down at the empty glass almost upset. "Uh oh, my drink's empty. I'm getting more. I'll get you another detka?" She arose softly adjusting her dress over her ass. You took a glance quickly trying not to seem noticeable. Her skin was perfect. Her ass was tight seemly not hugging anything underneath. Was she not wearing panties? You thought. Or a thong you didn't notice. You had to stop thinking like that though, you wouldn't want her to return and you were half mass. You'd be too ashamed. You're always uncomfortable with your little friend. You felt so disgusted by it that you never touched yourself. It's been months. You felt bent up but you didn't want to release. You felt wrong too. 

Wanda returned with a bottle of champagne and beer. You thought you were done for the night, but watching Wanda walk back to you made you reconsider. She gave you an exciting smile scrunching her nose tightly. You laughed at the sight of her feet fumbling about. All of these drinks must have gotten to her quickly when she started walking. The music was booming and Wanda knew the song. She mouthed the words swaying her hips to the beat. She stood in front of you shimming her chest. 

"I'd given up on romance, then I found you. Ain't it crazy what love can do?" She sang along to words cutting through the air. Her hips bucked rotating them in every direction. She popped the cork off the champagne bottle drinking the foam dripping from the opening. She slid herself onto your lap, continuing to girate feeling her pelvis on your belt. Fuck! You have to keep it together. 

Wanda chuckled pulling the bottle away from your lips and placing it beside you on the couch. "Haha! I love this song! Me and my..ex-husband...Vision. Went to a club in Norway and this exact song played!" Her thighs tightened around yours jumping up and down onto you as she danced around. Dammit, Wanda! Stop making it hard to keep yourself in control! You thought trying to think of something to not make you hard. 

"Oh yeah, Vision. I'm sorry about what happened to him. You two seemed to be a really cute pair." Your hands glided on her exposed thighs feeling her warmth heaten your hands. 

"We were. Right now though, I could be all yours Y/n." Wanda bent her head down connecting her forehead to yours. "Now drink your beer detka." Her hand held your beer pursing it to your lips tipping it up softly. Her center was rubbing against the mound in your pants. You felt it rise a bit trying to shift away from her. 

"You wouldn't want me, Wanda. You don't want me to break your bed into the next floor." You grabbed hold of your beer chugging it quickly knowing you'll need it. Wanda stopped moving around on you to grab her bottle, taking a huge drink. She huffed wiping away the extra liquid across her lips. "What if that's what I exactly want Y/n? To be thrown around like a little paper doll." She hummed finishing the rest of the contents in the bottle. You had to laugh again feeling in a daze. The liquor was working on you fast. "You know what my other talent is Y/n?" Her lips grazed your cheek hovering beside your ear. Her breath was hot and it spiked your senses. 

"Huh Wanda, what's that?" Your erection becoming more apparent. Your hand was grasped firmly around her thighs trying to hover her body from your crotch. 

"I can read minds," She moved her head crashing her plump lips onto yours. Her kiss was rough and sloppy. Mixing wine and beer wasn't the best idea but with her, it tasted like heaven. She let go of your lips. Tasting the cherry lipgloss painted on her blush lips. "And...I give good blowjobs too..so I've heard." Your expression must've said it all. It was shocking to hear Wanda speak in a way. Even though you only knew her a short time you'd imagine she'd never talk that way sober. You'd hope. 

"Well I hate to break it to you lovely, but I'm a girl. You can't give me a blow job." You whispered back trying to keep her still hovered over your crotch. As soon as those words spilled out of me, it made you grow harder. You prayed you didn't give up and drop her. Her eyes glowed red again, this time her hands turned colour too. Her hands made yours heavy, making it extremely difficult to keep her off your inseam. 

"That may be Miss Y/n. You are in fact a woman by birth. But the reality stone gave you something really, really special..." Your hands were being pushed down. The red mist latched onto your wrists pulling them down. You couldn't stop. With all of the strength you had, you finally met someone who can beat you. And she was winning. 

You didn't fully realize how erect you were until you felt Wanda sit fully on your lap. "Please Y/n. I know how much you hate your body right now, but please. Let me allow you to enjoy it at least. You need it. Your body is screaming at me to help." Her lips laid onto yours once more. It was deeper, meaningful, and passionate. "Let me help you cum detka..." Wanda whispered on your lips. Her mist came back unbuckling your belt, undoing the one button on your pants. You were so caught up you forgot where you two were. You are at a party full of people. Some may be watching. We weren't totally in the corner. The couch was near the entrance more than the middle of the dance floor. You had to make her stop in case she got even further.

"How about we go somewhere more private huh?" Your cheeks were burnt with either embarrassment or excitement from Wanda. Wanda looked down at you letting her teeth catch her bottom lip. "Good idea fetițăI. Let's go to my room." She leaped off your lap noticing a large lump below your zipper. 

You followed after Wanda trying not to draw any attention to yourself or your state. Everyone would stare if they saw a chick with a boner right now. In front of thousands of thousands of people. We both made it down a hallow hallway. Not a person in sight. All of the Avengers' bedrooms were at the end of this hallway. There were paintings and other things hung on the wall but because the compounds kept getting bombed or destroyed, they kept it very minimalist.

"I can't make it to my room. I need you now." Wanda was in front of you as she turned to face you. Her powers pushed you into the wall beside you. Your belt was still unbuckled and so were your pants unbuttoned. You couldn't move. You had motion in your wrists and hands but your elbows were glued to the wall. Wanda fell to her knees before you wasted no time unzipping your pants, making them fall to your ankles. "I haven't done this in so long, ever since I lost Vision. But, I exactly know what your girly-dick needs." Her shoulders dropped to either side letting her white straps fall off. You looked down at yourself feeling uncomfortable about how close she was to it. That pesky sore thumb sticking out of your white lace panties. Wanda's eyes flashed again looking up at you. "Don't be embarrassed drăguţă. You just stay still and try not to cum too early okay? It's okay if you do. So don't be ashamed if you do. I can tell you never play with yourself." Her fingertips were now cold. Tracing her fingers across the hem of your panties pulling them down to your pants. You saw your dick bust out of freedom moving by itself. It bounced all which ways it could. Wanda's grin glowed. "God are you ever twitchy!" Her hand was soft lifting your shaft straight up.

"I-I'm...sorry..." You spoke softly, you're fingers rubbed together becoming very nervous. 

"Don't be sorry miere. I love when cocks move by themselves. I can fix it easily." Her plump lips wrapped around your head breaking no eye contact. Her lips were warm and inviting. You felt every little sense ask her tongue twirling on your heads opening. Her head bobbed lower taking all of you in her mouth, your cock tingled up to your stomach. You've never been touched in months, even long after your life was shaken up. You felt like a bottle ready to pop open. You wanted to grab Wanda's head but your elbows were stuck to the wall. Your wrists flicked all ways around. You cracked your knuckles in between your middle fingers. Wanda's hands laid tightly on your thighs digging her nails in deeper. Her red mist shined again unlatching your elbows from the wall. Your hands ferociously sank into Wanda's scalp, pushing her behind the back of her head. Her sloppy noises turned into quiet gags as you felt her uvula at your tip. 

"Fuck Wanda...I'm gonna.." Your head rolled back as your sight became fuzzy. You felt like you were dripping out.

"Mhm..don't cum just yet detka, please." She gagged out dripping saliva all over her knees and dress. With Wanda saying just that, you had no sense of self-control. Wanda's tongue spun around your shaft as she repeatedly forced yourself into her mouth. You came instantly, you felt so ashamed. Wanda told you not and you did. Why can't you control yourself? Everything you do you are out of control, why can't you just control your dick? 

"I'm sorry Wanda.." You huffed. Your grip on her head loosened as the guilt washed over you. You couldn't look her in eye. Your head tilted up again looking at the fluorescent light buzzing around. You felt your eyes gloss over but you were trying your might not to shed a single tear. You quickly wiped away a tear ready to fall. Wanda's tongue flexed swallowing her cum-filled mouth. 

"I told Y/n, it's okay. You've never cum with your dick before. I understand." She arose pressing her body close against yours feeling both of your chests rubbing softly. "Now, how about we both figure out another place to it in huh?" Her hand lifted your limp cock in a stroking motion. 

"I can think of a couple of good places." You raised an eyebrow lifting her dress by your index finger. Her body was sweaty underneath her gown. Your hand traced up further feeling a tiny string around her hip. "Looks like you found a spot." Wanda's jaw sat on your shoulder, planting tiny kisses up your neck to your earlobe. "Go ahead, take my panties off." Her teeth clenched a part of your skin. Leaving a glossy kiss sticking spot behind your ear. Your hands hooked onto her biceps flipping her body against the wall. Your hand let go tracing down her body under her skirt. The tips of your nails latched onto the strings of her panties, ripping off her skin. Your hand excitedly stuck into Wanda's core immediately. She was wetter than you thought, your fingers just slipped in and out with ease. A small grunt blurted out of Wanda peering down at your hand. Your middle finger raised rubbing her pulsating clit. 

"Fuck are you ever wet Wand..." Your dick became hard again. Just feeling another woman again after a long time was enough to make your tip drool. Wanda's cheek stuck to the wall letting a hushed moan out. "I know...I just want you to fuck me so badly." Her ass swayed against your hips. Trying to stay up on her feet. You knew she had way too much to drink trying to lie against the wall. She wanted you. And did you too. You wanted to just take Wanda right then and there. Blow her up on that wall. Though, in her drunken state, you knew she couldn't hold onto her own. 

You flipped her back around facing you, she grinned having all of her hair flying in either direction. She laughed hysterically trying to stand in her heels. "Makeup you mind Y/n!" Her arms flung around your neck biting the bottom of her lip. 

"Oh, my mind is made up beautiful. Now, you open up." Your breath was shaky, trying to be assertive. Her leg wrapped around your hip, slowly opening herself for you. Your hard cock slid in with no friction. Her pussy was warm and inviting. Naturally, you supposed but man did it feel amazing. You never had sex with your cock. It almost felt ten times better than when you had a pussy of your own.

"Awe shit!! Y/n! Fuck!" Wanda's head rolled back on the wall as her hand clutched the nape of your neck. Her other leg is wrapped on either side of your hip. Your hands latched onto her legs hoisting her, slamming her down on your thick cock. Wanda's body jolted forcing out a moan into your ear. The force of your thrusting her down on you made the top of her dress let her boobs pop out. Her ass was soft on your legs as she bounced.

"Fuck Y/n! You're gonna make me cum fast!" She whined as she forced your head directly into her chest. Your hot breath was cool against the cold sweat between her breasts. You were trying so hard not cum, you had to stay focused not to cum inside Wanda. You had to plan to pull out when you felt it coming. "God Wanda! Don't say cum! Not now!" Your brows furrowed trying not to think about cumming. 

A red little light sparked behind Wanda's body. Wanda was using her powers. You couldn't tell why. You were too hard-headed trying to focus on other things. Wanda's chin was above your head clenching her teeth. "It's okay detka. Y-you can cum in me..." Her words were choppy thrusting on you. You felt her heartbeat, it was fast and comforting.

"No, no, no. Don't tell me that! Cause I will cum inside!" You groaned between your teeth, locking with Wanda's eyes. 

"That's what I want Y/n. I want you to cum in me. Please, please. Cum." Your focus was lost. All of your hard work was gone down the drain. You felt the urge rising rapidly. Just thinking about cumming in Wanda was enough to make you lose track. 

"Fuck you're making it hard for me not to.." You whispered thinking maybe that'll calm your urge. Even though it didn't. Wanda's walls clenched around your thick cock, making her thighs vibrate. 

"Do it! I'm cumming Y/n!! Cum with me!!" She screamed out flicking her crimson eyes. One final thrust did it. Both of you came at the same time. You felt an eruption flow out of you, going inside her. She was being filled by your warmth on top of already being so warm. Her body tightened around yours. 

"Fuck look what you made me do...I came in you, Wanda.." You sighed wiping tiny beads of sweat off your forehead. 

"Y/n. Don't worry. I wanted you to cum inside." She giggled standing back on her feet. "But you do realize what that means right? Do you have emergency protection or-.." You panicked realizing what you did. Could I get her pregnant? You thought. You assumed you shot blanks but yet. This was your first time. Wand interrupted your train of thought. 

"Honey don't worry. I have it all planned. You get to be the hero you want to be. And I get to have my family back." 

You sobered up once you heard Wanda's true intentions. She probably really liked you. But you heard what Stephen Strange said. Her kids weren't real. Now, they will be. 

[tylerposey]

IT’S FOLLOW FOREVER TIME

Well... it finally happened. I actually hit 100k followers. The cynical side of me presumes that at least two thirds of the people following me are bots but let’s just pretend that at least 100,000 of you think my blog is actually worth following shall we? Seriously though, I didn’t think I would ever reach 5k followers on this hellsite let alone this number. For that, I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for putting up with me all these years. You truly don’t understand how much I appreciate it. If I’ve forgotten anyone on my list I apologise, been here so long that I follow too many people lol.

You guys make my dashboard the best. I love you! — Dan 😇

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[bullshotuk]

Chaps, Chapette's and those between the edges of the binary. The audio adaptation of the 1927 lost Lon Chaney horror classic has just won its 9th Award!!!!!. Starring - Art Malik, Dan Starkey, Beth Eyre, David K Barnes, Kenton Hall and a whole swathe of additional talent. This shows requests..... nay Demands you give it a listen and maybe buy a copy from www.londonaftermidnight.co.uk You can get digital downloads, CDs or even collectible Vinyl.

Go on....... You know you want to....

[adnauseum11]

SITREP (John Price x Reader)

Dinner continues after you get a hold of your emotions.

3.6 k words

CW: mention of deceased parents.

Hopefully I slalomed through this dinner without adding too many personal details so the reader remains as much of a blank slate as possible while retaining some interesting backstory.

This work is part of the SNAFU series - most of which has been posted here and the Masterlist is pinned to my page. Due to threats from apps like lore.fm and Ai data scraping, I'm feeling less and less secure posting my work to Tumblr. I'm toying with the idea of taking it all down, although that feels a bit like closing the barn doors after the horses got out.

This will be the last chapter I post in its entirety here on Tumblr for the time being. Partial chapter updates only going forward. If you want to continue, please consider asking for an invitation from Ao3 to make an account. It's free, and then you can read anything, even the locked fics, like mine. It's worth the little bit of a wait.

link to the chapter over on Ao3

feedback welcome, let me know if you primarily read here on Tumblr or over on Ao3. I asked earlier and the responses seemed to favour Ao3. Not the case? Let me know!

sorry for folks on the taglist - let me know if this upcoming change works for you or if you'd rather not be tagged if it's not the full chapter. I'm trying some stuff out, love to have your thoughts.

You take a few long moments in front of a large gilded mirror to breathe deeply, shaking off the lingering pall of grief, occupying your hands by checking your hair and make-up. John had been out of the country when your parents had been killed, unreachable for long months while you struggled to keep your ship afloat amongst the ensuing chaos. The situation had left you de-stabilized for longer than you cared to admit, John more familiar with the aftermath – the constant fighting with David and wild emotional dysregulation that he had weathered with equanimity. You can’t help but wonder what your parents would think about you dating the man you’d been fast friends with for all these years. Would your mother think it inevitable or inconceivable that you would see John in a new light after everything you had been through? You’re touching up your lipstick when Michelle’s face appears over your shoulder in the reflection. 

“Are you ok? I’m sorry if Kate upset you. She’s prone to prying and forgets herself sometimes.”

“It’s fine, the emotion takes me by surprise every now and then. Needed a minute to get my head on straight, as John would say.”

You answer as you square your shoulders, turning to face the other woman. Michelle nods sympathetically, twisting her fingers together in front of herself.

“I’m sorry for your loss. John is pretty concerned; I think he would have come in after you himself if I hadn’t offered to come check on you.”

You give the other woman a reassuring smile, gently rolling your eyes at the unsurprising news of John’s overprotective streak. She carries on before you can make a weak joke about his hovering.

“You guys are pretty serious, hm? He didn’t call you his girlfriend when he took Kate to task about being too intrusive, he said you were his partner.”

A warmth blooms from the pit of your stomach, and you have to fight to keep your smile from growing into an inappropriately triumphant grin. John was listening after all bouncing around in your mind. Michelle follows you out of the bathroom, chatting easily.

“It’s nice to see him with someone that loosens him up. I can’t remember the last time we did something like this. There was a time where I didn’t think he would ever relax. I swear his shoulders were habitually around his ears most of the time I saw him. I’m rooting for you two.”

“Thank you, we’ve had our challenges so far but have come out the other side stronger I think.”

You squeeze John’s shoulder again as you step around his seat, his hand coming up to rest on your side protectively before you sit, his attention zeroing in on you.

“It’s alright, I was just caught off guard. Everything is fine.”

You reassure him, squeezing his wrist before his hand slips away again. Kate is contrite.

“I apologize, it was tactless to ask such a personal question.”

With a smile and a wave of your hand you try to place her at ease, not wanting dinner to grind to an uncomfortable halt.

“No, no, you couldn’t have known. Quite alright. I’m usually better behaved, I blame the red wine on an empty stomach for making me emotional.”

John huffs, having seen you far worse for wear but satisfied all is well if you still have a sense of humour. Kate’s face also relaxes into one of relief, and they both sag back into their chairs slightly. 

“Are you a cigar aficionado as well, Kate? John’s been wanting to come here since it opened.”

“Only when we’re playing poker. The ‘lil missus doesn’t like the smoke.”

Michelle takes a half-hearted swat at her wife who smiles in return, shrugging slightly as if the truth would come out regardless.

“No more smoking inside if everything works out, sorry John.”

Michelle adds with a small smile in John’s direction. He nods, as if he was expecting the news.

“Fair enough. I’m not smoking as much as I used to these days. Although I am interested to pop downstairs and see what their selection is like. I was gifted a beautiful lighter for Christmas, would be a shame to not use it a little more.”

The look John sends your way makes your skin prickle again. Not just with the desire that’s been simmering between you two all night but backed with the warmth of genuine deep-seated affection. It makes you want to crawl on to his lap and mess up his perfect tie despite all the onlookers. He reads the look on your face and the corner of his mouth quirks up. He doesn’t take his eyes off of you as he reaches into his inner jacket pocket, finally breaking eye contact to hand over the vintage lighter to Kate’s curious reach.

Your eyes follow it as she turns it over, examining the silver rectangle. It has a unique arm mechanism for lighting, effectively stamping out the flame when shut. It’s all hand wrought, the screws on the bottom for refilling the chambers individually made. There’s a delicate filigree up the corners, leaving the worn space in the middle empty for the engraving you had commissioned with John’s initials. John had been thrilled with your small gift, it had immediately joined his wallet and watch as an essential item he carried around every day.

“It’s a 1928 Kickstarter from Colibri. No idea where she found one in such good shape, it works like a dream.”

Kate tries the lighting arm and it swings upwards easily, a flame springing forth almost instantly. She snaps it shut again with a satisfying click and offers it to Michelle to inspect. You take a sip of your wine to avoid John’s intent gaze on the side of your face, certain that if you look over, you’ll give in to the overwhelming urge to reach out and touch him. You can practically feel him willing you to turn and he only relents when Michelle hands the lighter back, a knowing smile hovering at the corners of her mouth.    

“Looks like she’s got a homerun here. That’s a lovely piece, John.”

“I had to look for a while to find one in good working order.”

You supply, pleased these women who seem to know John so well are impressed with your gift.

“You know who else would appreciate that? Simon.”

Kate gestures to the lighter in John’s hand, raising her eyebrow at him in an expression you don’t understand. Michelle turns to face her wife immediately, concerned.

“Kate, no. No work stuff.”

“What? John will want to know.”

Kate’s tone is innocent, but her wife’s posture tells another story.

“Know what?”

John is cautious, returning the lighter to his inner pocket slowly, his eyes tracking from Michelle to Kate.

“He’s asked for the paperwork to be discharged; he’s going to retire. Making noise about moving back to this neck of the woods.”

John hums and his hand settles on your forearm, making you glance over at him in surprise. You’re fairly certain he’s unaware he’s reached out and grabbed you, his focus solely on Kate’s face. Kate notices the knee-jerk reaction though, and you watch her face rapidly go through a series of complicated emotions you couldn’t name even if pressed.  

“You’re right, I do want to know.”

John’s tone of voice has a measured calmness to it that belies the grip his hand has on your forearm.

“Well, this is all very cryptic. Who is Simon?”

You don’t dislodge his hand, raising an eyebrow at him when he slowly turns away from Kate to explain.

“Simon was my Lieutenant. He’s had a… rough go lately. Not surprised he’s wanting out but did he say what he plans to do?”

John answers your question broadly before directing another question back towards Kate. Michelle sighs, and you get the impression that this hi-jacking of the conversation happens more often than she condones.  

“No, not to me. Nor anyone else as far as I know. I was hoping maybe you could check in on him.”

“Hm. Yeah, could do – “

John is interrupted by dinner arriving. Everything is laid out still steaming and fragrant, fresh from the kitchen. Michelle shakes her head at the platter that is set before Kate, disbelief written across her face. John’s plate isn’t much better, the thick slab of meat before him making your eyebrows raise.

“Is this a military thing?”

You ask Michelle in a stage whisper, John letting go of your arm to attend to his enormous meal. He’s got a baked potato and lightly roasted green beans to get through as well, never mind the huge cut of meat. Kate’s lobster tail and steak take up most of the plate before her, with a potato of her own nestled beside a garden salad.

“No, it’s an excellent food thing.”

John answers, his eyes crinkling in good humour. Kate makes a sound of agreement before adding with a smile.

“And it’s a John’s paying kind of thing.”

“Kate!”

Michelle’s back to scolding her wife but John just smiles, not offended in the least.

“She’s earned it, Michelle. Don’t worry.”

“Lord help us, don’t encourage her John. I haven’t decided yet how I feel about you two not working together anymore.”

Kate smirks at that and clinks her glass against John’s, and in a flash the depth of their friendship becomes clear. You refocus on your own food, wondering again at this part of John’s life you’ve heretofore been excluded from. You soothe your slightly wounded ego by reminding yourself that John’s trying at least to bridge the formidable gap between his work life and what you consider to be his ‘real’ life. His enjoyment of the company across the table is evident to you though, giving you pause. Michelle picks up on your thoughtful turn and catches your eye as you cut into the tender side of the filet mignon in front of you.

“They’re always having side conversations, it’s insanely annoying. It was worth putting up with it to know someone out there had her back when they were working. Now, it’s just taking the piss, as you say over here.”

She narrows her eyes at John who has the good grace to look slightly chastised. Kate ignores her wife, digging into the lobster with gusto.  

“John doesn’t talk to me about his work much. It’s all classified, apparently. I just found out that you two existed the other day.”

You try to gently joke with her, brushing off the fact that you know next to nothing about John’s work other than the broadest strokes. Michelle sends you a kind look and nods in understanding while Kate stares down John over her buttered lobster.

“Field work is difficult - Kate you know that. It’s safer for everyone if there’s nothing to leverage. As recently proved.”

You barely understand the context of John’s words, leverage striking you as an odd phrase when talking about relationships. You gather he’s talking about the break-in and subsequent shit show only just recently put behind you. Kate understands his meaning straight away though and shrugs, arching a brow across the table at John who’s paused in eating his meal.

“God love ya John, you always pick the hardest possible path forward. I get where you’re coming from, just not sure on the execution in reality.”

“Could you two speak English, please?”

Michelle interjects, her eyes on your face as you quietly puzzle over the layered conversation going on. If you knew her better you would say the look on her face was sympathetic. Kate explains herself for your benefit, her eyes flicking between you and John.

“I worked with John for years and if it makes you feel any better, he didn’t tell me that you existed until recently either. He seemed to be under the impression that keeping the spheres of his life from overlapping was the safest way to operate. The idea being that it would keep you from becoming a target. I’d say forewarned is forearmed, myself. But I understand his logic. His work was dangerous.”

John’s face is suddenly serious, his hands still, waiting for your reaction. You’re trying to piece together what little you know of his work and the events of the last few months. The idea that he’d been living what amounts to a dual life is jarring for some reason. You like to think you know John well, and this night is reminding you there’s a lot you are unaware of. Kate’s revelation that she didn’t know him as well as she thought either is cold consolation.

“So, keeping everyone separate in their own little box was about safety?”

“It’s always about your safety.”

John answers and you get the impression there’s more to be said but he’s holding his tongue. You decide to leverage it out of him later. What possible danger could there be in meeting these women now that wasn’t there when he was working? You exchange a long, silent look with him that must convey your skepticism because he only physically relaxes when you eat another bite of dinner, seemingly letting it go for the moment. Kate watches the tense exchange between you with rapt interest as she polishes off the rest of her lobster and salad.

“I don’t know about anyone else, but my dinner is simply delicious.”

Michelle breaks the silence, reaching across her wife’s arm to snag her gin and tonic and take a delicate sip. You smile in appreciation at her attempt to break the newest layer of tension, Kate’s chagrined face only making your grin wider. You exchange an amused look with Michelle as she hands the gin and tonic back to her annoyed wife.

“The food is really delectable. I’m getting full but it tastes so good! I’m going to risk popping my dress.”

Michelle laughs and Kate smiles over a bite of steak.

“I know John can put away a lot of food, but these portions are massive you guys. I’m impressed.”

You continue, a hint of awe entering your tone as you watch Kate’s methodical approach to her plate.

“I suspect they don’t half-ass things around here.”

Kate supplies, looking pointedly at the rich appointments around the big dining room. From the chandeliers to the floor length window dressings, the restaurant screams sumptuousness. John is just as regimented about his food as Kate, most of his steak gone and half of the side dishes remaining. He huffs in acknowledgment of Kate’s words, amused.

“They haven’t half-assed their prices so I would hope not.”

You smile into your last bite of filet mignon, relaxing into the gentle banter again. You take a moment while finishing what you can of your dinner to observe the way the group easily pivots from topic to topic, and the familiarity of it is striking to you. John is himself with them, there is no pretence in his conduct and you puzzle over his insistence on keeping you separated from people he gets along with so well. If what he says is to be believed, John spent his career being concerned about your safety such that he went to extreme lengths to keep you protected from its dangers. That’s not the behavior of a man who has only recently decided he wanted more from your friendship. His admission about the dress you're wearing turning him on years before he asked you out rattles around in your brain like a marble you can’t stop rolling around. His hand on your forearm draws you back to the present, and you look at him, his vibrant blue eyes taking in your dazed expression.

“Do you want more wine? I’m having coffee. Kate’s having another gin and Michelle is going to have a decaf.”

He asks, filling you in quickly once he clocks that you were lost in thought.

“Yes, that would be lovely. Please.”

The return of your manners earns you a warm smile and John turns to the waiter to relay your order. The dishes are cleared and you spend the next three quarters of an hour forcing yourself to stay present in the moment and not withdraw to puzzle over all you’ve learned. You find yourself naturally drawn to Michelle, her dry wit cutting and more than a match for her formidable and straightforward wife. Kate and John seem to be able to have a conversation within a conversation, and you quickly learn what Michelle means about it being annoying. It especially grates on your nerves as it’s typically you and John with a litany of inside jokes scattered through any conversation. Having the shoe on the other foot is less fun than you imagined. John excuses himself to the bathroom, which you know is code for paying the bill and you steel yourself to spend the next few moments alone with his friends.

“You’ve had a lot of change over the last few months, what with starting to date John and then moving in so quickly after the break in. How are you finding living with him?”

Kate’s got the question out as soon as John’s big frame leaves the general vicinity of the table.

“It’s like anything, a bit of an adjustment but it’s been good. He’s far neater than me, maybe you should ask him what living with me is like instead.”

You laugh before you continue, mentally acknowledging your vastly different decorating styles. John’s a minimalist where you love fun and funky tchotchkes. Your flat had been crammed to the rafters with knick-knacks. Moving in with John had necessitated parting ways with a lot of your less sentimental pieces. The lowkey dispute about the Christmas decorations had hardly been a solitary event.

“So far it's been lovely, he lets me have my way most of the time and pairs the most delicious wines with dinner. I have no complaints or salacious details, sorry ladies.”

You keep your most recent fight to yourself, unwilling to expose John or yourself to the scrutiny of these women, even if they mean well. In the end, you had gotten what you wanted there too, which was to be heard and considered in matters that concerned you. Which by all accounts, seems to have landed for John.

“He plays it pretty close to the vest too, as previously established. Was hoping you would be a bit more forthcoming.”

Kate smiles, not unkindly, but her rampant curiosity might as well be a neon sign flashing over her face. Her wife elbows her arm with all the subtlety of a gunshot and the dirty blonde schools her face back into something more restrained. You offer a smile and swirl the dregs of your wine, unsure what the other woman was hoping to learn.

“He snores when he’s been drinking?”

Kate gives a startled laugh and shakes her head quickly.

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“I suspect the John you know and the John I know are the same, we just see him in different scenarios.”

“True enough to a point. He doesn’t let me have my way as often, I'm going to guess.”

You can feel heat creeping over your cheeks at the suggestive tone and she carries on before you can speak.

“I’m more interested in you, than how he behaves when he’s with you, to clarify what I meant. You went to university?”

You nod dumbly, the wine doing nothing to help your mind focus. Kate rolls along with more questions, to her wife’s open annoyance.

“Kate, leave her alone. Seriously.”

“Where do you work? Have you been there long?”

“Uh, I quit, before Christmas. After the break-in John and I talked and I’m going to find something else. I wasn’t happy there. So, technically working nowhere right now.”

“Were you using your degree?”

“No, it was customer service essentially with some data entry. Soul sucking. Awful.”

“What would you prefer to do?”

“I’m not sure. I think being a docent would be fun but those positions can be quite hard to get.”

Michelle’s distracted from trying to back Kate off this line of questioning by this tidbit of information, and her attention swings to you.

“Oh! Like at the Tower of London? They were phenomenal! That would be a fun job.”

“Yes, exactly. Having new faces to chat to every day and all that history around would be – “

“What does John think?”

Kate interrupts, the curiosity on her face in full force. The wine answers before you can corral your thoughts into something more even-tempered.

“I haven't mentioned it yet, besides, why would he care? He won’t be the one working there.”

Michelle tilts her head backs and laughs, John’s quizzical face popping into view at the end of the table eventually subduing her mirth.

“Hate to interrupt but everyone ready?”

You exchange a smile with Michelle and nod at John, standing and linking you hand with his outstretched one. He leads you back through the restaurant to collect your coats from the coat check. Afterwards you stand on the chilly sidewalk to exchange hugs and goodbyes, a whispered good luck sent in to Michelle’s ear that she acknowledges with an extra squeeze before letting you go. Kate bundles her wife into a waiting cab with a final wave out the window, and John convinces you to go peruse the cigars downstairs before heading home yourselves. If things work out for the two women, he reasons Kate will need a celebratory cigar to herald in their newest adventure. You can’t say no to his sentimental reasoning and find yourself an hour later, back in the same place on the sidewalk, John’s newest purchases tucked into your clutch to protect against the damp while you wait for the valet.   

Taglist: @beebeechaos @cadotoast @syoddeye @writeforfandoms

@itr-00 @chloepluto1306 @batw3nch @magsmagic @h0n3y-l3m0n05

@chickennn-soupp @fruitymoonbeams-blog @redwites @glitterypirateduck

@tf141gloryhole @bespectacledhuman

[podcastbrainrotdad]

It's me, back with more Wooden overcoats Muppet au.

Firstly, on the debate of "who is the human". I decided there should be three and a half.

The first one is, of course, Eric Chapman. My reasoning is that this real ass human man trying to people please muppets is very funny, AND ALSO, it'll further emphasize his disconnect from the people of Piffling Vale.

The second one is Georgie, for similar reasons to Eric, actually. She's also rather disconnected in a way from the community, and also, kind of an audience insert, making her a human just makes sense to me.

The third one is real human man David k Barnes playing doctor Edgware. Because it makes so much sense.

And finally, the half part, I think every episode should open and close with real life human woman Belinda Lang, wearing mouse ears, playing Madeline reading from her memoir on a rocking chair. Bonus points if, for the rest of the time, Madeline is not played by anything and is in fact, not on set, but everyone pretends she's there, talking directly to where Madeline should be.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

[panelshowsource]

britcom comedians & panel show personalities who share your sign

AQUARIUS ♒ dara ó briain • frank skinner • glenn moore • guz khan • hugh dennis • lucy porter • maisie adam • mark watson • phil wang • vic reeves

PISCES ♓ aisling bea • alan davies • dave gorman • ed gamble • jenny eclair • katy wix • michael mcintyre • rose matafeo

ARIES ♈ andy parsons • desiree burch • ed byrne • gary delaney • jamali maddix • john kearns • josh widdicombe • josie long • roisin conaty • romesh ranganathan • rory bremner

TAURUS ♉ al murray • alex brooker • catherine tate • greg davies • joe wilkinson • john robins • mae martin • milton jones • morgana robinson • rhys james • rob brydon • sally phillips • sandi toksvig • sean lock • stephen mangan

GEMINI ♊ alan carr • bob mortimer • david baddiel • fern brady • judi love • julian clary • london hughes • mel giedroyc • noel fielding • paul sinha • rich hall • richard ayoade • sara pascoe • sarah millican • shappi khorsandi • sindhu vee • tom allen

CANCER ♋ adam hills • alice levine • david mitchell • katherine ryan • harriet kemsley • ian hislop • jack whitehall • joe lycett • paul merton • peter serafinowicz • phill jupitus • rosie jones

LEO ♌ bridget christie • cariad lloyd • chris ramsey • daisy may cooper • frankie boyle • isy suttie • lee mack • jo brand • nish kumar • victoria coren mitchell

VIRGO ♍ alex horne • dane baptiste • darren harriott • ivo graham • jimmy carr • johnny vegas • lolly adefope • miles jupp • nina conti • stephen fry • sue perkins • tim key

LIBRA ♎ diane morgan • harry hill • jack dee • jon richardson • limmy • nick helm • rhod gilbert • robert webb • tiff stevenson • zoe lyons

SCORPIO ♏ angela barnes • chris addison • elis james • ellie taylor • holly walsh • liza tarbuck • jonathan ross • kerry godliman • kevin bridges • matt forde • mike wozniak • sofie hagen • susan calman

SAGITTARIUS ♐ adam riches • david o'doherty • jessica knappett • larry dean • miranda hart • richard osman • seann walsh • simon amstell • steven k. amos

CAPRICORN ♑ ahir shah • angus deayton • bill bailey • claudia winkleman • james acaster • mark lamarr • paul foot • rob beckett • suzi ruffell