#Disclaimer: I did not make any of this

[torglives]

BPD & TR Pangi

!! HOUSEKEEPING: Pangi is very morally questionable, this is an undebatable trait of every single mcrp character to ever exist. Many of the things he does are dramatized and violent, because it is the playing-field in which his character and story lives. These traits are not exclusive to him, nor is this to say that BPD is an inherently violent or "evil" disorder. -- Every mention of Pangi going forward will be without the character tag.

To interpret Pangi as someone with BPD, we first have to establish a base-line. What are the broader, more obvious strokes of his character?

"Both separation anxiety and BPD are characterized by fear of abandonment, but problems with impulsivity, identity, and interpersonal functioning are needed to diagnose BPD." (x)

"There is [Pangi], who, I feel like you have separation anxiety to some degree. [It is] the way that your character is traumatized, and built, and works." (x)

The second quote, from Pili, brings up an interesting point: Pangi does have separation anxiety to some degree, but he says that it's from the way that Pangi is traumatized. It's an obvious hint to both his previous experience on the server, and his previous experience off-server; and as much as we joke about it as being paranoia, it does function as a trauma response in a lot of ways. He experiences both paranoia and trauma. It's not difficult to make the claim that Pangi also displays symptoms of PTSD, and it's not an incorrect claim to make. He absolutely fits the bill for all four symptom categories: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking/mood, and changes in physical/emotional reactions. I feel as though this is a widely-accepted consensus, so I won't be going into detail.

We have established that Pangi's character is, in fact, traumatized (which is nothing out of the ordinary for a mcrp character,) and that Pili is correct in his claim that Pangi's separation anxiety and intense fear of abandonment stem from a trauma response. It's how he's built, and how he's adapted to the world around him.

Is it just the case that Pangi suffers from separation anxiety and occasionally deals with instability? Well... no. In fact, I'd argue that Pangi is characterized by his instability and impulsivity. These traits can be found in almost every aspect of his person. "A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity [...] present in a variety of contexts." (x)

... Okay, so what is the diagnostic criteria for BPD? (x)

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

I've already spoken about Pangi's issues with abandonment (x) and I don't want to sound like a broken record, so I won't repeat my previous points in this post in any significant detail. In terms of trying to avoid abandonment, Pangi does this by making himself seem useful/desirable. If he can offer something to someone, in the form of protection/violence, then he believes they'll stick around. In order to avoid abandonment, Pangi will also take any sort of withdrawl/upset with him or his actions as abandonment.

The other day, Aimsey and Lukey were upset with him, and he immediately believed he had to go "lone-wolf," because obviously they didn't want him anymore. He decides the best possible response to potential abandonment is to isolate himself. He has a pattern on the realm where he'll try to leave first so that people don't get the opportunity to leave him after he gets the first taste of what he perceives to be betrayal/abandonment. Of course, that little fact ties into betrayal and abandonment being the same thing to him. Historically, they have been the same thing, so Pangi has no reason to believe otherwise.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation

Pangi does have black/white, all/nothing thinking. While he himself is a morally grey individual, he struggles to see the shades of grey in others. Pangi's definition of "good" and "bad" are not typical by any means, and follow closer towards what he believes to be justified and unjustified. Does this affect his interpersonal relationships, though, is the question? Well, yes. A little more ambiguously than say, Ros, who I can point out several solid examples for, but he does live by this train of thought. I mean, the previous point of him packing up and leaving when someone does something that he believes is an attack against him can undoubtedly be an example of this. He's very quick to pull a 180 when people don't meet the expectations he has of them, and react accordingly.

We can also look at things like, how he reacted to Ros flooding the cathedral. He gets angry, resentful, the angriest he's ever been at her, and doesn't understand why she would possibly to this to him. She does something that conflicts with the image he has of her in his head, the pedestal he believes her to be on, she does something which he sees as betrayal. Abandonment. She's dead to him. He splits.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

This one is really interesting, because despite how reputation-oriented Pangi is, he has an insanely unstable image and sense of self. For starters, Pangi seeks excessive validation from the people who he's surrounded by. He actively looks for reassurance in everything he does. Pangi has ideas of what he "should" be, what he's "supposed" to be, and his entire sense of self will change based on how he's being perceived at any given moment. Either way, he is very driven by this idea of his own "reputation," and when he so frequently feels things that contradict that image... the image becomes blurry and unclear, and he's left unsure of who he actually is. So, the image will adapt. And adapt. And adapt.

Identity disturbance can be characterized by a shift in goals/ideals, which is incredibly common for Pangi: he will often set out plans that align with his current identity, and abandon them down the road when that identity is challenged or changes. These things are also results of his emotional drive, and "who he is" depends on how he's feeling on that given day.

Identity disturbance can also cause issues in your relationships, as people affected may struggle understanding their own needs/boundaries when they're relating to another person (x), which is something Pangi absolutely struggles with. Pangi is often very ready to forgo his own boundaries and feelings about things when he believes they can potentially jeopardize a relationship he values. Oftentimes, he'll express frustration over something, be met with a negative response, and then decide to put aside that frustration to keep another person content. He will then mold how he reacts based on how he's "wanted" to react. Obviously, Pangi is very prone to acting out on emotion, so these "molds" don't last long, adding to that instability. He's unable to clearly outline his needs/wants, because he's unsure of what they are, because they are so dependant on unpredictable variables. Who he is, is an unpredictable variable.

4/5. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging / Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour

** The DSM5 strictly states that criteria four and five are separate, but because this is Minecraft, a lot of Pangi's impulsive behaviours can be argued as some form of self-harm. The line between what is and isn't is very blurred, as are his intentions when doing these actions, so I've combined them into the same category for this reason. They are still different points, and I will clarify when I believe something is specific, but I'm just confining them to a single area.

Pangi is impulsive. That should require no convincing, if you've paid any attention to his character. Pangi will often act out suddenly and on a whim, and these actions will cause massive problems for himself and others. This impulsivity is not only present in the minor parts of his character and personality, but also in his major storylines. Pangi decides, on an impulse, he's going to experiment with the weird purple crystals growing out of the ground, and does so excessively and in an uncontrolled environment. He is aware of the risks, is warned by Keepers that he's "dooming" himself, but chooses to do so anyway with no regard for his own well-being. Many of his impulsive behaviours have been related to the corruption, and there's an argument to be made that his relationship with the corruption is intentionally self-harming. The duel is arguably an impulsive behaviour too, Pangi feels that he's bored, and in-order to feel fulfilled again, he chases adrenaline through something deadly and something that will give him purpose. Months ago, back in December, he and Pili have an argument, and he decides he's going to kill people. Most of Pangi's impulses are violent. He needs a steady stream of catastrophe to feel like a person, essentially.

Pangi is less suicidal in theory than he has been in practice. I know that sounds like a crazy thing to say. He is, by all means, a survivalist... isn't he? He says he is, he's effective in staying alive, but how willing is he to live? Recently, of course, very; he spent his last few days before succumbing to the corruption talking about how much he values life, how much he appreciates being alive. Pangi keeps everything he needs to survive on his person at all times, and avoids situations that danger his life. Except... for that one time.

Pangi has expressed suicidal behaviour, but not recently enough to consider it recurrent. Most of his previous ideation can be sorted into the category of threats rather than actions. For example: as Pili was preparing to fight Clown, Pangi threatens to kill himself several times. Not as a joke, not to lighten to mood, he means it with genuine intent: "If you die, I'm gonna kill myself. Pili, I don't think I want to live in a world without you." - "You have an entire life to live," - "Not without you." -> When overwhelmed with the thought of losing Pili, with that emotion, Pangi verbally threatens to kill himself. This is one of the few times he shares this out loud, the extent of it, but not the only time he expresses intent to follow through with it. Most, if not all, of his suicidal behaviours were after losing Pili, and before he was sent to the null. In my head I like to refer to this as the Dark Times in the Pangi lore, because he was so entirely miserable. Again, worth noting, that all of those instances were because he was very unstable and felt no tether to reality, they were spawned out of a heavy grief. Pangi spent a lot of this time separated from the world and willing to behave even more rashly than he usually does--which is to say that it's not typical for his character, but still worth mentioning. A lot of his actions during this time can also be considered impulsive behaviour that happened to be self-damaging rather than actively self-damaging.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

I feel like I've already spoken in depth about Pangi's affective instability, and his reactive mood needs no introduction. Pangi experiences rapid, extremely intense, shifts in mood, however they never last very long at all. Most of his conflicts start the same way: something will happen and it will cause Pangi to react negatively, he'll act out on that emotion, and then regret it later, because they tend to fade pretty fast. He's sworn to go on several villain arcs, rampages, killing sprees, when he's angry, but never follows through with them. By the time it comes around again, he's moved on from feeling that way. This not only happens with his anger, but other feelings: anxiousness, sadness, and irritability. This is one of the main reasons why Pangi seems so wishy-washy when it comes to his plans, because the emotions that he bases them off of are always extremely intense and extremely brief.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

Pangi is always chasing some sense of fulfillment. He is constantly unsatisfied and feels the need to do more, to find some bigger purpose or sense of identity.

While speaking with Newt a handful of weeks ago, Pangi says "Does it feel empty? Like there's something missing?" (x) when discussing their memory loss, and then the day after, he tells Bad that while he was corrupted he felt "as normal," just a little weird. Maybe it's a slight stretch to say that this is evidence that Pangi always feels as though there's something missing, but honestly, his character patterns make it clear that this is true.

This has been increasingly obvious recently, after the Lifesteal finale (which, heightened feelings of chronic emptiness have been linked to relieving traumatic events (x),) where he has very openly expressed un-fulfillment. Chronic emptiness typically occurs when you're not well distracted by something, which is highlighted by Pangi's boredom with peace. He has no distraction, and has become overtaken by a feeling of purposelessness, so he finds it in things that will not only provide a decent distraction, but give him a concrete goal to look towards. The duel with Aimsey, the OSC, etc. Pangi seeks out things that will "fill" him, or give him meaning. Things that will tether him back to reality, and make him work with the people around him. (If you watched a single Pangi stream after he agreed to duel with Aimsey, you would've heard him say this. It was the only thing he could talk about, how excited he was to finally have a purpose again, to have a reason to do things, to have something to look forward to.)

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

"Sometimes, my emotions just take over."

Christ, if Pangi isn't angry. Again, this is not only one of the symptoms that feel more surface-level and easy to notice, but one of the ones that I've kind of already spoken in length about. For those reasons, I'll keep it brief. I don't want to run the risk of repeating myself over and over.

We've already discussed Pangi's intense emotion, obviously this also includes his anger, and his difficulty reining in his emotions. But, is it fair to consider his anger inappropriate? Yes. Pangi is very quick to anger when something sets him off, and it's not uncommon for him to get upset over things that others would consider harmless fun/jokes, or minor disagreements, or questions about his competency. Especially when he feels as if he's been disrespected.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

I don't know, do you guys think Pangi suffers from paranoia? I've never seen him paranoid in my life. I've never seen him show any dissociative symptoms or suspicion, especially not when he's confronted by the threat of abandonment. If you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. Here's a small compilation from the day he argued with Aimsey and Lukey about the egg (x), for your viewing pleasure.

Pangi is always paranoid, but it does get significantly worse when he's stressed, especially when he's stressed about being abandoned. Recall that Pangi considers betrayal and abandonment to be the same thing, and they trigger the same response in him. Relating to the compilation linked above, Pangi is convinced that Lukey and Aimsey are going to betray his trust in some way, he believes they are going to kill him, abandon him, and so he completely disassociates from everything he knows to be true about them, and immediately jumps to the conclusion that they are trying to kill or trap him. He grows increasingly suspicious of them, even though they have given him no reason to be suspicious at all. He believes that they are plotting against him, are involved in some major conspiracy to kill him... with little to no reason. These thoughts, of course, are always spurred on by the cause of stress, and as that stressor subsides, so will the thoughts.

So...

In order to be considered for a BPD diagnosis, you must display at least five out of the nine symptoms above. Pangi displays, at the very least, eight out of the nine symptoms, without counting recurring suicidal ideation/threats. Which is a lot.

Obviously, I don't think this is an intentional character decision, nor do I consider him representation, it is just one of the many ways to look at his character. Most of these symptoms are already integral parts of his character, and are all undoubtably intertwined with each other.

Interpreting Pangi as borderline is very far from a groundless belief. There are piles of evidence to support it, and even then, I've only included major examples of the symptoms; as much as I love his character, I obviously cannot remember every instance in which he displayed one of these traits. I only really scratched the surface of each, because this post is long enough already, but there’s definitely more to discuss.

[sillydeimos]

christoffs actions just make a lot more sense if you remember nexus scientists werent allowed to talk to anyone outside of nexus and that they'd get reported if they seemed depressed or angry and that they get no vacation days or breaks. like christoff watched sheriffs mattress commercial and he thought that was true. he thought that was real. he was like "i hope he is nice in real life too" and sent him an ominous note. is he socialized outside of hofnarr. and hofnarrs already fucked up

[cubedmango]

「30歳まで売れないとアイドルになれるらしい」 (from cherry magic volume 12 special edition) — english translation

[skrunksthatwunk]

about 5 episodes into rose of versailles and every episode you get a new person commenting "ohh my god they really want us to watch 1000 hours of people in court complaining about insults that mean nothing that's so stupid" like. GOD i can't believe they put COURT DRAMA in my COURT DRAMA. this sucks. when does guts show up

[junmail]

since when does posting an innocent disclaimer with a post of an alcoholic beverage you’re endorsing equate to sending death threats because you think it’s a dig at your fave ??

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

this is a tiny pet peeve but i think its kinda odd that people seem to like. forget, or maybe just neglect to take into account, that yellow, for whatever reason (whether he's an alt universe john or a fresh piece of this universe's KIY that kayne went and ripped off) has ALSO been trapped in the dark world prior to being with arthur and has exactly as many Feelings about it. this is a very load bearing character trait imo

[icewindandboringhorror]

examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk

[moe-broey]

While the World's Slowest Slowburn makes the most logical sense, between Kiran and Alfonse. In my heart. Moe manages to find a way to get in an overly handsy way too intimate WAY too soon I just got my ass ghosted or perhaps dumped situationship with Alfonse. In a demisexuality and trust issues honoring way. ALL under Moe's assumption, that "Well he's Not gonna get attached to me so It's Fine."

[wildflowercryptid]

i'm. suddenly realizing the parallels between sada sacrificing herself for koraidon and florian throwing himself infront of kieran when he's about to get hit by terapagos's tera blast... after everything that happened in area zero, florian was determined to not be like sada. only to do something very similar to what she had done.

i think in that moment — when he's not sure what the end result of his actions will be, if he'll make it out of the underdepths alive — florian starts to understand her a little better. he thinks " oh, that's why she did that. because she didn't want to see something she loved hurt. "

[pimento-playing-hopscotch]

WIP Wednesday

Thank you for the tag, @actualalligator (for the tease tuesday tag) @heartstringsduet @paperstorm @sznofthesticks @thisbuildinghasfeelings @carlos-in-glasses 💝

This is a morsel from an upcoming Tarlos fic, "The MovieCation of Carlos Reyes"

TK glanced over at Carlos. “Babe, we can turn this off if you want to”.

“I didn’t say that”. He pointed out.

“I know”. TK scooched closer. If TK had to be recuperating, he was glad that he only needed to have a boot that didn’t go past his knee. “But this is your movie watch,” TK pointed out as Carlos carefully pulled TK into his lap. “If you’re not into it, we can shut it off. You have the ultimate veto power”.

“I appreciate that, baby,” Carlos murmured, kissing TK on the forehead and lightly scratching his scalp. “And this isn’t going to be my favorite movie. But I want to finish it anyway”.

“Really?” TK brightened.

“Well, he’s gone through so much to get them to do the play,” Carlos said. “And now the ACLU is getting involved. I want to see how it turns out. But can I ask you one thing?”

“Of course”. TK nodded eagerly.

“Do they really sing the song he mentioned?” Carlos asked. “The… ‘Rock Me Sexy Jesus’ one?”

“Oh yeah”. TK laughed. “It’s catchy as hell. Is that what you’re objecting to?”

“Well, it feels very blasphemous”. Carlos mumbled. TK pecked his husband on the chin. He really was the cutest person in the world.

“You know,” TK said as he hit play on the remote, “this was directed by the guy who made Dick. And you liked Dick, right?”

“I could say I love Dick, babe,” Carlos growled low in his ear.

“I know,” TK rolled his eyes as Carlos’s hand started roaming. “That’s been well documented. I meant the movie Dick. You liked it”.

Carlos rolled his eyes. “You mean the movie you tricked me into watching by telling me Ryan Reynolds was in it and he appeared on screen for a grand total of two minutes?”

“Only because it was like his second movie ever,” TK protested. “And if I had told you it was about if two teenage girls were responsible for Watergate and bringing down Nixon, I didn’t think you would have gone for it. And besides,” he added, “it has Will Ferrell. Your distrust of Will Ferrell is well documented, too”.

“I didn’t mind him in The Other Guys”. Carlos countered. “He made a decent cop, at least”.

No pressure tagging - I tag @anewkindofme @snowviolettwhite @dreamingofmickeywaffles @lemonlyman-dotcom @lightningboltreader @chaotictarlos @kiwichaeng @herefortarlos @liminalmemories21 @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @welcometololaland @inkweedandlizards @bonheur-cafe @carlos-tk @freneticfloetry @happilylovingchaos @reyestrandd @firstprince-history-huh @tailoredshirt @birdclowns @decafdino @thebumblecee @feministteapot @sugdenlovesdingle @lochnesswriter @eclectic-sassycoweyes @chicgeekgirl89 @jesuisici33 and anyone else who wants to do it - open tag 🫶

[lemurballing]

the difference between good whispangle and bad whispangle is the difference between trusting each other the most and only trusting each other. between getting stuck in the past or letting the future embrace you. between holding a close bond and being desperate for each other’s company. between being a pair and being a unit.

good whispangle is tangle helping whisper stay in the present and future, and whisper being a guiding hand, a steadying of tangle’s impulse, and the both of them making choices that help and comfort the other.

bad whispangle is tangle getting dragged into dwelling on the past with whisper, is tangle being made to overstep instead of minding the lines she should be able to see, and whisper sinking into a mire that tangle follows her into instead of pulling her from. is putting them together ‘because they’re whispangle’ and forgetting why they were loved together in the first place. is keeping them together because they’re whispangle, even when they trod on the other.

and the difference is,

that if it starts out bad and becomes better, it’s satisfying, heartening.

but to start out excellent and then get worse and decay, feels like a smear or a stain on top of a beloved work.

a natural decay can be done, but we want them to be good together, to bring out the best in each other instead of enabling the worst. if we want to see decay, it is because it makes sense for one or both of them to be driven off-balance and start messing with the other, we want one or both of them to realize this, and we want them to have to jump-start and kick aside and course-correct and come out all the better, for having broken their flaws open and mended them with gold.

we don’t want to see them broken apart and stuck back together with cheap glitter glue.

[leighsartworks216]

Whores. All of you. (/lh /j)

[cryptvokeeper]

WHERE is the picture of the little monkey that says the grief is never ending but so is the love I am in need

[yansurnummu]

For Drals : 12 and 42.

Tell us everything <3

What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

I had to think about this one, because he's someone who puts on a really stoic face and often has a hard time finding joy in things. however, EVERYONE has something that will make them laugh.

anything that makes Kem (his cringefail watchling buddy) squirm. this includes daedric gore, herbal smells, steam or smoke - if Kem is grossed out, it will make Drals chuckle.

he's a pretty Learned dude, but every now and then Azandar will use a word he's never heard before and it will baffle him to the point of having to laugh about it.

the word "stringent". he just thinks it's so... spongy.

If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

OK SO in my fic I did make a reference to a dissertation he wrote when he was a Telvanni master, on "temporal resurfacing". As for what that actually is; it's sort of technobabble for what I imagine would be the mathematics behind a lot of the more complex magics relating to time & fate. To "resurface" would be to sand down a process to its bare essentials, therefore simplifying the math needed when adding multiple processes on top of the groundwork. Before his fall into Apocrypha, it was absolutely something he gave lectures on. (they were likely pretty boring and had poor attendance, however)

I think if he were to revisit the topic now he'd call it something more fun like "Temporal Resurfacing: How We Can Learn Mathematics from Mycelium"

[dreamlandiasims]

hi, i'm not jewish and wouldn't want to speak over anyone, but from my perspective maybe removing plot points that could parallel blood libel and adding more that parallel the anti capitalist angle could be a good start.

removing the eternal youth angle and emphasizing how the power of the companies hinges on exploiting the working conditions of workers instead of experiments on them could be an option? also a character being a class traitor could potentially weaken parallels to power being "birth right" of the secret society imo. there's also always an option to demystify the conspiracy by showing that this current route sounds more interesting, but that the truth is just capitalism and even though it doesn't sounds as exciting it's still very scary.

Ok yeah this is pretty much what I’ve been thinking so far! Thank you for your input :)

As a start I’m planning to remake the Reddit pages and relevant dialogue from the last post to be more “agnos is a major corporation that’s trying to monopolize the market and they’re engaging in shady business practices to be at the forefront of tech and medicine development (at the expense of their workers/sub-companies).”

I think similarly, the focus on the alien tech could be more of a commentary on “how far are we willing to go in the name of science and advancement”, and I’ll definitely cut out the “eternal youth” aspect.

I’m hoping that this is enough to redirect the narrative that the story is establishing, but if anyone feels otherwise please let’s continue the conversation!

[ask-annie-edison]

HELLO ANNIE oh shit that was in all caps, anyways! what got you into forensics? I wanna change my major soooo bad like you did but im literally in my junior year ALSO youre the epitome of standing on business, love you (ay it back or else!)

Hi there, thank you for the question! I think it was just a curiosity I’ve had in the back of my mind since middle school, but I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to look into it at all, what with my extensively planned out life. But when I ended up at Greendale, completely out of my element with no foreseeable future… I decided to just have some fun! “Go with the flow”, if you will. It took me a while to work up the confidence to change majors, but ultimately I think it was worth it. I really love forensics, and I think that if you believe it’ll be good for you then you should change too. I really have no idea what it means for you, but choosing to pursue a genuine interest of mine, one that hadn’t been written down on every page slid in front of me since childhood, was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

So, do whatever you feel is best — and I love you too ♡