#For The Record I Am Not A Danger To Myself I Just Cannot Get Out Of Bed To Bathe Or Feed Myself More Often Than Not

[muppetesque]

i hate this time of year so much haha my post traumatics really are stressing my disorders lads

[sadinthecrib]

"I AM" state methods

These are different methods to enter the void state (Also what personally worked for me.)

Recording your own affirmations USING YOUR OWN VOICE and listening to them while you sleep- 100/10, This is one of the first methods I used to tap into the void state. I also used this method for just manifesting in general. The first tie I ever used this, while I was dreaming I could hear my voice in my dream (which also caused me to be lucid.) So you could also use this for lucid dreaming, tapping into the void state, or just manifesting in general.

Lucid dreaming- 9/10, I lucid dream very easily just by setting the intention of becoming aware in a dream (also known as the mild method.) When I become lucid, to enter the void I either: Ask a dream character to take me into the void, fall backwards, or (trigger warning?) k1ll myself LMAO

Gateway tapes- 8/10, Astral projected with this lol, but they really are relaxing and for me I found it easier to follow than most guided meditation. But do your research because some people say that it's dangerous???

Subliminals- 6/10, these work better for me when I'm meditating, but I found that sleeping with subliminal really don't do much for me. I'd rather listen to affirmation tapes on yt or record my own. But listening to ones with specific frequencies do put me in a better mindset, specifically self concept ones. One subliminal that actually 100% worked the first time I ever tried was the Aurasubliminal void state sub. I was just meditating while listening to my subliminal playlist and I was low-key not even thinking about entering the void state. All of a sudden I realized that I was feeling too peaceful and like everything was quiet, I didn't even know it was the void but like I feeling sooo peaceful like the void is one of the most peaceful sates of being ever.

Guided meditations- 2/10, there's a lot of them for the void, specifically yoga Nidra, alpha state, etc. These never really did it for me personally, but that doesn't mean that they don't work. Excluding gateway tapes, the voice in all of them just really irritate me and I feel like I have to force myself to relax.

(MIND AWAKE BODY SLEEP- -0/10, I physically cannot force myself not to move. Like that's just not relaxing for me and then constantly repeating affirmations in my head at the same time is just.. tiring. This was one of the first void methods I ever tried and I personally find it to be like a chore.

My advice: you can try out a few, but tr being consistent with one method alone. Like when I used to be obsessed with the void, I was trying out every method that I came across. But I decided to choose one that I resonated with the most, (or the easiest LMAO), which was lucid dreaming. Be consistent and don't constantly change your mind. Just because a method didn't work out for you doesn't mean that you're doomed/unlucky and will never get into the void state. :))

[ninadove]

Nina reads Dracula 🦇

September 17th

OK HERE WE GO I AM MENTALLY PREPARED TO LEARN ABOUT LUCY’S DEA —

Lucy Westenra's Diary.

Nevermind that. Guess I’ll have to do it all over again.

Four days and nights of peace. I am getting so strong again that I hardly know myself. It is as if I had passed through some long nightmare, and had just awakened to see the beautiful sunshine and feel the fresh air of the morning around me. I have a dim half-remembrance of long, anxious times of waiting and fearing; darkness in which there was not even the pain of hope to make present distress more poignant: and then long spells of oblivion, and the rising back to life as a diver coming up through a great press of water.

The pain of hope alright…

To-night Dr. Van Helsing is going away, as he has to be for a day in Amsterdam. But I need not be watched; I am well enough to be left alone.

‘Cause here we go, go, go again 🎶

Thank God for mother's sake, and dear Arthur's, and for all our friends who have been so kind! I shall not even feel the change, for last night Dr. Van Helsing slept in his chair a lot of the time. I found him asleep twice when I awoke; but I did not fear to go to sleep again, although the boughs or bats or something napped almost angrily against the window-panes.

EVERYONE. IS TRYING. SO HARD.

Anyways BACK TO RENFIELD:

Suddenly the door was burst open, and in rushed my patient, with his face distorted with passion. I was thunderstruck, for such a thing as a patient getting of his own accord into the Superintendent's study is almost unknown.

Right. But he did escape the facility itself twice, including once with your complicity. So maybe the safety protocols need a liiittle bit of reassessing here.

Without an instant's pause he made straight at me. He had a dinner-knife in his hand, and, as I saw he was dangerous, I tried to keep the table between us. He was too quick and too strong for me, however; for before I could get my balance he had struck at me and cut my left wrist rather severely.

FIGHT!!!!! FIGHT!!!!! FIGHT!!!!! FIGHT!!!!

He was lying on his belly on the floor licking up, like a dog, the blood which had fallen from my wounded wrist. He was easily secured, and, to my surprise, went with the attendants quite placidly, simply repeating over and over again: "The blood is the life! The blood is the life!"

Renfield’s DYI Guide to Vampirism: now available in a bookstore near you!

I cannot afford to lose blood just at present;

This is a terrifying and strangely sweet thought and I will be reusing this turn of phrase.

Happily Van Helsing has not summoned me, so I need not forego my sleep; to-night I could not well do without it.

Telegram, Van Helsing, Antwerp, to Seward, Carfax. Do not fail to be at Hillingham to-night.

Now that’s what I call comedic timing.

Anyways back to… Lucy again… Oh…

I write this and leave it to be seen, so that no one may by any chance get into trouble through me. This is an exact record of what took place to-night. I feel I am dying of weakness, and have barely strength to write, but it must be done if I die in the doing.

Talk about an emotional roller-coaster.

Presently the door opened, and mother looked in; seeing by my moving that I was not asleep, came in, and sat by me. She said to me even more sweetly and softly than her wont:—

"I was uneasy about you, darling, and came in to see that you were all right."

I feared she might catch cold sitting there, and asked her to come in and sleep with me, so she came into bed, and lay down beside me;

SEE WHAT I MEANT LAST TIME. Yes Ms Westenra is dying but she still wants to watch over her little girl! Yes Lucy is a grown adult but she still needs her mum! It’s all about love

After a while there was the low howl again out in the shrubbery, and shortly after there was a crash at the window, and a lot of broken glass was hurled on the floor. The window blind blew back with the wind that rushed in, and in the aperture of the broken panes there was the head of a great, gaunt grey wolf. Mother cried out in a fright, and struggled up into a sitting posture, and clutched wildly at anything that would help her. Amongst other things, she clutched the wreath of flowers that Dr. Van Helsing insisted on my wearing round my neck, and tore it away from me. For a second or two she sat up, pointing at the wolf, and there was a strange and horrible gurgling in her throat; then she fell over—as if struck with lightning, and her head hit my forehead and made me dizzy for a moment or two. The room and all round seemed to spin round. I kept my eyes fixed on the window, but the wolf drew his head back, and a whole myriad of little specks seemed to come blowing in through the broken window, and wheeling and circling round like the pillar of dust that travellers describe when there is a simoon in the desert.

OK OK not to (surprisingly) turn into your local Mrs Westenra Defender™ but. But. If this exact ordeal happened to you and you did not have the benefit of knowing the lore, would your natural conclusion not be that the flowers attracted the wolf? Because that sure as Hell would be mine.

I tried to stir, but there was some spell upon me, and dear mother's poor body, which seemed to grow cold already—for her dear heart had ceased to beat—weighed me down; and I remembered no more for a while.

WAIT SHE’S DEAD????? WHAT ARE WE BLAMING HER FOR EXACTLY????? SHE FUCKING DIED

The maids shrieked, and then went in a body to the dining-room; and I laid what flowers I had on my dear mother's breast. When they were there I remembered what Dr. Van Helsing had told me, but I didn't like to remove them, and, besides, I would have some of the servants to sit up with me now.

I WAS TOLD LUCY’S MUM THREW THE FLOWERS AWAY AND THAT DIRECTLY CAUSED HER DEATH. THAT COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. WHAT HAPPENED

My heart sank when I saw what had happened. They all four lay helpless on the floor, breathing heavily. The decanter of sherry was on the table half full, but there was a queer, acrid smell about. I was suspicious, and examined the decanter. It smelt of laudanum, and looking on the sideboard, I found that the bottle which mother's doctor uses for her—oh! did use—was empty. What am I to do? what am I to do? I am back in the room with mother. I cannot leave her, and I am alone, save for the sleeping servants, whom some one has drugged. Alone with the dead! I dare not go out, for I can hear the low howl of the wolf through the broken window.

WHO WHAT AND HOW

The air seems full of specks, floating and circling in the draught from the window, and the lights burn blue and dim. What am I to do? God shield me from harm this night! I shall hide this paper in my breast, where they shall find it when they come to lay me out. My dear mother gone! It is time that I go too. Good-bye, dear Arthur, if I should not survive this night. God keep you, dear, and God help me!

LUCY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO —

Letter, Mina Harker to Lucy Westenra (Unopened by her.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My dearest Lucy,—It seems an age since I heard from you, or indeed since I wrote. You will pardon me, I know, for all my faults when you have read all my budget of news.

Why don’t you twist the knife even deeper Bram.

Well, I got my husband back all right;

A little bit of light in this God-forsaken world

'My dears, I want to drink your health and prosperity; and may every blessing attend you both. I know you both from children, and have, with love and pride, seen you grow up. Now I want you to make your home here with me. I have left to me neither chick nor child; all are gone, and in my will I have left you everything.' I cried, Lucy dear, as Jonathan and the old man clasped hands. Our evening was a very, very happy one.

And twist the knife deeper he did.

So here we are, installed in this beautiful old house, and from both my bedroom and the drawing-room I can see the great elms of the cathedral close, with their great black stems standing out against the old yellow stone of the cathedral and I can hear the rooks overhead cawing and cawing and chattering and gossiping all day, after the manner of rooks—and humans.

Windows! Parallels and contrasts!! Something monstrous VS something divine and most of all human!!! I’m fine this is fine we’re all fine —

How is your dear mother getting on?

ALRIGHT BRAM THAT’S ENOUGH TWISTING.

and Jonathan wants looking after still.

🥺🥹 (<- Hanging on by a thread)

And now I have told you my news, let me ask yours. When are you to be married, and where, and who is to perform the ceremony, and what are you to wear, and is it to be a public or a private wedding? Tell me all about it, dear; tell me all about everything, for there is nothing which interests you which will not be dear to me. Jonathan asks me to send his 'respectful duty,' but I do not think that is good enough from the junior partner of the important firm Hawkins & Harker; and so, as you love me, and he loves me, and I love you with all the moods and tenses of the verb, I send you simply his 'love' instead. Good-bye, my dearest Lucy, and all blessings on you.

Yours,

MINA HARKER.

(Thread snapped)

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[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[freetheshit-outofyou]

It is currently 2339 in Texas right now. My little brother who lives North of Austin was just visited by the BATF, at 2300hrs, on a freaking after work Friday. Why would the BATF be showing up at someone's house at such an hour? To fucking intimated my brother over his possible purchase of one or more Rare Breed FRT-15 trigger (Forced Reset Trigger). The odd thing is, this government overreach, unlike others I know that have been approached about FRT's because of "alleged" debit/credit card buys, my brother is accused of buying them with cash. Hummmm, if such a buy was done, and I'm not saying one was, with cash how would the BATF be able to follow a cash buy? I can only think of a few ways that could happen, this is the former LEO in me speaking. 1. Someone you know dropped a dime on you for whatever underhanded Blue Falcon bullshit reason. 2. The location you bought the item from rolled over on you for buying an item that was a legal commodity in the open market when it was bought. 3. Big Brother's nose is tracking your shit, this covers everything else. My little brother said he could not help them in their search and tried to close the door. An agent put his foot in the door and asked if they could search the house. He said, If you don't have a warrant, you should get your foot out of my door before I take this as an act of aggression and I am forced to defend myself. At this the BATF drew their weapons but removed there foot from the door while backing away. My SIL had already called the Williamson Co Sheriff and apparently after my brothers words the BATF called in the whole planet in. The Williamson Sherriff came to his door and was allowed in and told my brother that the BATF was saying he threatened to kill them if they did not leave. My brother said he laughed out loud and a lot. He explained To the Sheriff what he said and why, he also added that the entire exchange was recorded not once but twice from two different home security camera. He showed the Deputy the footage from both and was visibly angered, he got up and said he'd be back. By this time more BATF folks had gathered just this time better armed. The Deputy was out there about 20 minuets with the BATF yelling about threats and fear of being shot. Apparently someone with actual power on the ground told the agents to leaved. The Sheriff came back and said there would be no more trouble from the BATF and that an agent would be contacting him by phone in the morning to discuss what transpired. Folks, the police, all of them, have to follow the law by not following the law they put themselves in danger and endanger the public through their criminal actions. Police CANNOT stop you from closing YOUR DOOR even if they reasonably suspect a crime is being committed on the other side of the door. Further they cannot conduct a warrantless entry into a dwelling without "exigent circumstances" or permission from someone residing in the dwelling. That is case law set in Payton v. New York, 445 U.S. 573 (1980) and supported by Steagald v. United States, 451 U.S. 204 (1981). The Fourth amendment was written to stop these very things from happening. The BATF is out of control. They cannot make a rule, then make that rule punishable by both imprisonment and or fines and removing ones RIGHTS forever. THE BATF CANNOT MAKE ANY LAWS!

[neuroticboyfriend]

i want to stop seeing generalizations about diagnosis (or lack thereof) being a privilege. either situation can result in privileges as well as discrimination. for example, i have substance use disorder, but i do not want it anywhere on my records out of fear of being denied treatments i need, having my suffering dismissed, etc. etc. my psychosis/schizophrenia dx has also had me disbelieved - and thus abused - over my own life experiences. i am also diagnosed with various other conditions, and this (combined with poverty) has allowed me to get all my college costs covered by the state, and to at least apply for SSI.

when talking about diagnosis, we need to be cognizant experiences both similar and different from ours. diagnosis is not universally a privilege, not being diagnosed isn't universally a privilege. whether you obtain privileges or not, or what privileges you obtain, is highly dependent. it's dependent on what the diagnosis is, where you're getting care, what other intersections (or lack thereof) you have. you cannot decide whether someone is overall privileged for being diagnosed unless they literally tell you they are.

also? do not take this post as me dismissing the pain and struggle of not being diagnosed. i have been there. i am still there. it is a very tough experience for many, myself included. i just thought we all knew better than to assume our experiences are universal... because diagnosis can be just as painful and dangerous. especially when it's misdiagnosis or used to call you too insane to have autonomy.

[rainbowkirby]

Mortal Kombat Bloodline Episode 3: Chaos Family

In the Hour Glass,Geras Looks Concerning and he's letting Liu Kang Know about Everying what Mantro Would Plan to do. Geras Tells Liu Kang and Titan Kitana and Warned them About Mantro. And LiuChai and Kungjin Arrived just in time.

Liu Kang: Geras, What do you see?

Geras: That's Impossible, this Cannot be.

LiuChai: What is it Geras, What's Going on?

Geras: it's Mantro, He is Even Worse then ShangTsung. He is our biggest Threat, he is one of the Emperor Sinister's, Servant. They are from Shadow Realm. If you don't Know this Place it's in the Dark Land full of Agony.

LiuChai: Mantro, I think I seen that guy before. We thought he is a Traveler.

Geras: No, He is a sorcerer of Evil. He is planning to Revive Shinnok for Sinister.

KungJin: Who is Sinister?

Geras: He is Alot more deadly and dangerous then Titan ShangTsung and Titan Havik.

TitanKitana: We must protect the The hourglass Before He Arrived.

Later at the Tarkatans Colony, there is a celebration in the Colony. It's Baraka's Son's WishBone's 16th Birthday Today. Baraka and Syzoth sitting down and Chilling out having a Great time.

Baraka: It's been a Blessing since things turns out Alot better then it was.

Syzoth: I'm glad the new Sorcerer from the phantom Forest Helping to get our Treatment.

Baraka: No offense to ShangTsung, but Shimmer and his Master is more Caring.

Syzoth: I agree...

And there is a Warrior in the Chaos Realm come to join them. His name is Dairou the oldest son of The Emperor of Chaos. Dairou Bought some wine too.

Dairou: Would you like some wine?

Baraka: I'll take it.

Dairou: would you like some?

Syzoth: No thanks...

Dairou: Okay, do me a favor, please don't tell my Dad about Wine.

Baraka: your secret is safe with me my friend. Also Your Little Brother Splinter also is Great with communication with WishBone and The Tarkatans. Especially Our Language too.

Dairou: Yep, That's my little brother...(Chuckle)

Dairou Drinks more wine his other Brother Alastor is Looking for his little Brother Splinter, he looks really Concerned. Dairou got a little tipsy.

Alastor: Dairou, wheres Splinter, were supposed to be watching Him.

Dairou: He'll be Fine, He's with his friend WishBone right now. Just come get him and bring him to me, if you were so damn worried.

Alastor: "Ugh" Are you Fucking Kidding me right now? Dad is gonna kill us if we don't find him on time.

Dairou: Just Relax Bro...

Alastor: "Ugh" we are so Grounded. Fine I'll find him myself.

Dairou: okay, You do That.

Alastor is frustrating and worried about Splinter while Dairou isn't Helping. But at the same Alastor loves Dairou as a Brother. Even he's a bit tipsy. Alastor wondering around looking for Splinter and then Suddenly he walks a litter far and Alastor is a bit Concerning to this moment.

Alastor: Shit it's almost 12 o clock, dad is gonna Kill us.......SHIT!!!

Suddenly someone around a Bush surrounding Alastor there is a Young man with the Drahmin's mask screaming to Scare Alastor.

Splinter:BWWAAAAHHH

Alastor: Ahhhhh!! What the Fuck!???!

Alastor is Frightening but suddenly a person takes off the mask and it is Splinter, Busting Laughing and the WishBone and other Tarkatans friends is here involved too. WishBone Recorded Alastor with Splinter's Phone. Turned it was a Prank.

Splinter: (laughing) Got Ya, That Face I can't even, did you caught a Video, WishBone?

WishBone: Dude, I sure did. that is Awesome.

Other teenage Tarkatans:( laughing)

Splinter: I am so gonna Post this On social media everybody is gonna Love it...

Alastor: No, No.....Don't you dare....

Splinter: Come On....It's funny.

Alastor: Okay... Look, Im Glad your having fun, but there's no time. we have to get back home, because Dad is gonna Be so pissed if we can't get home on time...

Suddenly the green light Portal interrupting Alastor and Splinter ran back to the Colony with Dairou. Tarkatans has no idea what that was but luckily Baraka told the others not to be alarmed it's just a emperor of Chaos. But Dairou, Alastor and Splinter know they are in so much trouble. There is the Emperor of Name Havik, He is not the same as Titan Havik he is from Union of Light. But he doesn't look happy when he found when Dairou and his brother went out and break his rules.

Dairou: Oh, Fuck, Were Grounded.

Alastor: You Think??

Havik: There are you are, Iv been looking all over for you...

Syzoth: Their Fine, Havik they are safe, it's Baraka's Son's birthday, and we just thought they are allowed to come over....

Havik: WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!???!....who said that I allow them to come over???

Havik looks at Dairou and Havik is Furious at Dairou Alastor and Splinter...

Splinter: "Laughing nervous" Hi Dad.....

Havik grab Alastor's ears and Dairou's ears and Dragged them to Portal.

Havik: All of you are in so much trouble.... Dairou, Lets go...

Dairou goes with Havik and the others to head back home.

Dairou: Sorry guys I gotta get going....

Baraka: get home safe...

Later they went to home in his palace in the Chaos Realm and Havik is really upset, overwhelmed, Protected and worried. Dairou, Alastor and Splinter is guilty....

Havik: You three Disappoint me, How dare You all disobey Me and broke the rules!? I told you not to leave my palace without my permission! Didn't I tell you that!!!! (Havik bangs a table with his Anger and Frustration)

Splinter: (pfft) Well you obviously gonna say no to us, which this isn't Fair, so how's is tha.....

Havik: Shut your Mouth with your Smart Ass, Splinter!

Splinter: Okay Boomer, I'm Shutting my mouth...

Havik: Enough!!....Lose..Your..Attitude...

Splinter: (sigh).....Yes Sir.....

Dairou: were sorry dad, we just thought we can take care of ourselves. we thought you'll be proud of Us. I can able to protect my Siblings, including your Kingdom..

Havik: For disrespect me, Lied to Me, Disobeying my rules? How Would you able to become a General in Chaos Realm without losing Your siblings? You were supposed to be there for them, As a Family.

Dairou: But We can Take care ourself, I know what I can do, Dad. Like....

Havik: Like What?...... Fooling Around? Partying All Night and Drinking whine with your friends In Outworld? Not Going to School and Not Doing training and Not succeed your test?.....I think Not!!!!

Dairou: Okay, So What, Were just board, Dad. we just want to go out and Have Fun for once... sometimes we just need a Break.

Havik: What you did is unacceptable, this is not the first time you done it. The worst Part is You Put Alastor and Splinter In Danger.......Right now I can't trust you....That's means your not ready to become a General in the Chaos Realm.

Dairou: WHAT???.....Dad no please, you can't just let me down like that, you know how much it means to me!!

Havik: It's all your Fault, Dairou that you let your Guard down. Why Should I trust you to Join the warriors in Chaos Realm then yet you made some stupid Choice.....

Dairou: I don't Know......Yes I Made a Mistake and I won't do that again. please, Dad, Just give me a chance.

Havik: No, I just Can't Take it anymore, I Don't Want to lose any of you....I just can't risk of loosing you.......you and your siblings will be ending Up getting Killed or worse, don't you understand?

Dairou: This is Bull shit..

Alastor: Dairou, Please, Dad was Trying to protect all of us he's just worried...

Dairou: I understand But.....

Havik: No you don't, I can't trust any of you going anywhere, I'm done!! I'm sick Of you all Disrespect Me! You are all Grounded....

Splinter: What?! what for....

Havik is angry and upset about the situation, So he took away Splinter's Cell Phone.

Havik: For Disobey me.... No Electronic, No WiFi, No Nothing. You will all need to be taught a Lesson..

Dairou: Dad, Lets talk about this..

Havik: Dairou, I am not in the Mood..

Dairou: But Dad I can explain.

Havik: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Havik Storms to the Hallway to his bedroom and slams the door... Dairou and their Brothers Realized that what they did was wrong. They all feel bad For Havik, so they realize they need to learn not to disobey his father so they when to their room quietly.

Splinter: Holy Shit.......

Alastor: I'm sorry, Dairou....

Dairou: It's not your fault, it's my Fault. Dad was Right, maybe we're not ready. Maybe we push it too much and I understand that Dad is trying to protect us...I Get why He's seens really stressed Out.

Splinter: I guess he has every right to get mad...

Alastor: He could Be a little Harsh sometimes and He is very Overprotected of us, because He's Traumatized ever Since the Dark Sorcerer Blackmailed Him. So he's just Scared and stress.

Dairou: That Basted Messing My Dad up real Bad. The Sorcerer killed hundreds Of Our people. Seidan and Seidos been killed, you named it. Chaos Realmer are rare kind. And there is not much. That's why my dad and I protect Both of you.

Splinter: He loves all of us ,After all, without him, We don't know how do we able to handle our Auto mune condition..

Dairou: Shit, That too....I guess reality is brutal After all....

Splinter: I know Right?

Dairou: lets gets some sleep hopefully tomorrow we can apologize to Dad for our actions and maybe everything will be Settled in....

Alastor: I hope so.....We don't want His Blood pressure to go high.

Later in 4:00 in the morning, Splinter's Stomach Grumbling and growling and started to feel nauseous and having stomach pain so he immediately went to the bathroom and started Puking Venom, because of His condition his pain is getting Worse and now he has a migraine and starting Crying that it wakes Havik up. Havik Jump off the bed with his robe and ran to the bathroom and comforting Splinter. Havik see Splinter Crying in Pain after Vomiting. Havik cuddling Splinter and Calming Splinter down.

Splinter:(crying sobbing) My stomach Hurts....It Hurts so Bad......

Havik: Shhhhhh...It's Okay Splinter, I'm here......its alright....

Splinter: (Crying) Owww...it Hurts....

Havik: I know.. I know dear...... we'll get you situated, Okay?

Splinter agrees and goes with his father to his living room. Splinter still in Pain but luckily Havik have A treatment shot for his Condition (just like a same shot that it gives to Mileena.) Havik Inject Splinter's arm.

Havik: there...This will take the pain Away...

Splinter: Thank you....can you get me some Ginger ale please?

Havik: Of Course...Ill get it for you....

Havik goes to the kitchen and grad a ginger ale for Splinter. Alastor and Dairou just woke and no idea what's going on.

Alastor: Is everything Okay?

Dairou: Does his condition starts again?

Havik:(sigh) Yes unfortunately.....he needs to rest for a while until his Condition settles down.

Alastor starting comforts Splinter.

Dairou: Is he gonna be okay?

Havik: He'll be alright, he needs some time right now. He puke violently with Venom. I need to check his Venom.

Havik use a Cup and Splinter Open his Fang to inject Venom in the cup. Havik use the monitor to check the Venom to make his venom wasn't too strong. Turns out the venom is is bit High.

Havik: Shit....

Dairou: what is it?

Havik: His Venom is bit too Strong. He needs to rest to settle down his venom.

Dairou: what happened if it gets too strong?

Havik: He'll be ending up getting really Sick. Like worse then a Stomach Flu.....

The 3 minutes later Splinter feeling less pain and started to get better. Alastor letting them know..

Alastor: Guys I think he's getting better....and he fell asleep...

Havik: Good, He needs to rest as much as he can until his Venom Levels settles down.

The Next Day The Kombat stadium begins in Chaos Realm the Chaos Realmers fights in Kombat to win. While Havik and His sons sits in the throne. Luckly Splinter started to feel a bit better but he's still needs to rest.

Splinter: Dad, Can I sit next to you?

Havik: whatever you feel comfortable, Dear.

Splinter: Thank you.

Splinter sit next his father. Havik gently rubbing his head. Alastor brings the wine to Havik and pour it in the Cup for him.

Alastor: here you go.

Havik: Thank you my dear Alastor.

Dairou is watching the Chaos Realmer doing Kombat.

Dairou: Dad I just want to apologize for disobey you, I just wanna....

Havik: I'm sorry too, Son... Family Fight sometimes but we still love each other as Family and that's what we do. For Now Let's just Move on and let it go....

Dairou: Thanks, can I have your wine now?

Havik: No...You sneak to my kitchen and stole my wine, so I think you had a enough for while.

Dairou: I just want One....

Havik: I'm not Gonna Argue with you, can you not?

Dairou: Okay.....Okay...I'm just kidding....

Havik: Mmm..hmm...

Alastor and Splinter (Giggles).

Dairou: Fuck you guys....😑

Havik: Watch Your Language...

Dairou: Sorry...

Dairou has so many questions About wanna to teach the Students in the Chaos Realm how to defend yourself.

Dairou: I do have a Question....How do you become a General? do you used to be General?

Havik: No, I'm not the General...my People bow down After i found a Throne. before your were Born. My wife told me that I'll be a Great emperor and then she gave it to me before she died with birth... Remember you and I save your Orphan?

Dairou: Yeah. But wasn't talking about that, I was talking about, How to be a Great General?

Havik: just letting you Dairou, it's important you must learn. It's not about pushing to be a Leader to become a General and it doesn't matter who is strong or Weak, it's about Trust.

Dairou: what if that I'm not gonna be able to be a general?

Havik: You will be, Once you'll follow my rules. You'll get there you just need to not making Poor Choices. Remember it's not for you to Fool around with.

Dairou: that I understood...

During that the fight. Two Chaos Realm go at each other.

Alastor: Holy Shit, Tartersause just knocked down Trapjaw.

Tartersause already beat Trapjaw Havik and his son applause and Cheer For Tartersause. But Suddenly the game is been interrupted by Mantro.

Mantro: FINISH HIM!!!!

Tartersause looked at Mando is Confused.

Havik: Who Said That?

Mantro: I said it, What a Nice Family you have...

Havik: "Growling"

Mantro: Although too bad that I want to kill them all.

Havik: "HISS! Leave my children alone!!! Why are you here, Mantro? I am not in the Mood with your Games.

Mantro: Oh you will be....Your coming with me...

Havik: I want no part of it Mantro! I don't want anything to do with you!!

Mantro: If you Don't come Join Me then I will kill your Whole Family.... Besides Your son's are monstrosities. Their are hideous Filled with Disease's, just like rat in the sewer. They need to be Put em down.

Havik: HOW DARE YOU, INSULTING MY CHILDREN, YOU UNGRATEFUL MISERABLE SCUM?!

Dairou:(raised with middle finger) Disrespect my family again, then I'll beat the living shit out of you!! (To Mantro)

Alastor tries to Calm Dairou

Alastor: Dairou, Calm Down...

Mantro: and their are brats too just like you Havik.

Mantro Force Tartersause to kill TrapJaw but Tartersause didn't want to, so he refused. Then Mantro using dark Magic and Kill Trapjaw and waiting For Havik to join.

Mantro: Are you gonna Join Me and QuanChi or what?

Havik (Flips the bird) Go Fuck Yourself!

Mantro: Excuse me, What?

Alastor Dairou And Splinter is terrified so Havik told them to go to outworld

Havik: Dairou.....Take your Siblings and go to outworld. I'll deal With Him...

Dairou: No Dad, Were not Leaving you.

Havik: GO, before he kill us all.

Mantro attacks Havik and Mantro use his Magic to Brainwashed Him while Their Sons trying to save him. But it's too late Alastor concerned about Havik.

Alastor: Dad, Are you okay?

Then Havik has Green eyes and Bleeding through his mouth and now he becomes aggressive so Possessed Havik Knocked Alastor Down and Attack Dairou and Scratch his arm, Splinter grab a vase and throw at Possesed Havik to save Dairou.

Dairou is Traumatized so they have no choice but leave his father behind. Mantro's Dark Magic to Using Havik like a Puppet. There not the time to save his father.

Finally, Dairou and his brothers are now in the great hall in Outworld, Empress Mileena Kitana Jerrod and Tanya are concerned about what's going.

Jerrod: Dairou, Wheres your father?

Dairou Bow down to his knees and Started Crying. He loves his Father so much. Alastor and Splinter comfort him.

Mileena: Oh no...what Happened...

Dairou: Mantro, He's.....He Brainwashed my Dad..

Jerrod: Don't worry. He's Still alive, we will find the way to bring him back. But right now there nothing you can do. Until we find the Light sorcerer.

They all comfort Dairou, Alastor and Splinter.

Later Mantro Controlling Havik with his Dark Magic to Unleashed General Shao and Reiko and told them that Shao will be the emperor of outworld. Mantro Using His Power to turn General Shao into the most dangerous Emperor of outworld, Shao Khan

Mantro: At your Service Emperor.

ShaoKhan: is this some kind of joke to you?

Mantro: No(using magic to turn Shao in the Emperor.

Mantro: How do you feel, Emperor?

ShaoKhan: I feel Unstoppable....

Meanwhile in the Hourglass, Liu Kang and the others saw the pitch Black Portal and there is a King of darkness and Evil..His name Sinister/Shadow Khan. He's gonna Banished Liu Kang so He can Take over the Over glass.

Sinister: Greetings Geras.

To be Continue.

Episode 4

Fallen Kingdom

[mincedpeaches]

rvb19 liveblogging post. #rvb19 spoilers

Did Wash get a new voice actor? Why does he sound so off.

Why is Grif like this. Why is Grif's character so off. He's not really stupid, he plays it up to be lazy. Why does he seem so weirdly angry. Yelling did not make the "they're right behind me aren't they" joke any funnier Geoff.

Okay I didn't even CONSIDER that Donut would never show up. Like after the Apple Cast listing was seemingly incomplete based on already confirmed people that had recorded lines. Only to have the shot of Donut getting sliced up in a cartoon be his first and God forbid only appearance? The disrespect. If he doesn't show up later I'm rioting. Did I miss a Joel-style falling out with Donut's voice actor somewhere.

Okay actually Wash sounds fine it was just the awkward exposition dialogue earlier I guess.

479er???? Does this count as a minor freelancer cameo.

A SECOND "hes right behind me" style quip with Meta!Tucker in the case. Burnie PLEASE. Avengers came out in like 2014.

Why does Tucker!Meta talk. Why does he have an evil laugh. Remember when all the Meta did was occasionally growl and he was threatening. Remember when all they had to do was play When Your Middle Name is Danger and it would make the machinima actually tense.

The Reds overall reluctance to help the Blues both earlier in the canyon when Caboose asked them and then now leaving Caboose on the ship... I don't know. It rings a little different when its the last season and all also the whole "they say no but then they change their minds" bit has been done so many times by now. Especially if this is meant to be happening after Chorus. This isn't really a lesson they need to be learning anymore.

Over 40mins minutes in and no mention of Carolina. I am... concerned. I thought she was in a shot in the trailer. Am I crazy. If she doesn't show up I just. In what WORLD does Epsilon run five squintilion simulations and not choose to contact HER instead.

OKAY HERE IT COMES THE SARGE SACRIFICE. FOR A BLUE. IM SCARED.

Hes gonna get stabbed big time ooooh my god I can't watch.

I feel like. Okay. When rvb got serious. It didn't have to undercut itself with jokes. When Donut was shot by Wash it was 100% played straight. No quips. So why does Burnie undercut Sarge getting stabbed by having him say "well dang it".

I've paused this like five million times to say "I can't" and all variations thereof. I'm not ready for "Matt's performance".

Hand on Simmons arm. And if I lose it right now.

Very touching moments happening here with Sarge and the team I cannot complain too much or really at except when in one of my numerous pauses of the movie to fortify myself I cannot help but clasp my hands and think. Where's Donut.

And also I cannot help but think when we were about to get on Torrian for trying to kill Tucker and now its like. Welp. (Not nearly as bad as a killing to gas up your bad rvb spinoff but still. It kinda feels like this is approaching that ballpark.)

"Run away while you can. I'm coming for you." *laughs evilly* Is this supposed to be like Tuckers personality, like a Doc-O'Malley thing where the AI adapts its mannerisms to the host. Because either way its a corny ass bit that does nothing. And I kinda of hate it.

Doc is very obviously all in Wash's head which is uhhh.... not where I expected the season to go. With Wash.

Grif and Simmons standing in front of Sarge's grave, alone: Me: soooo. grimmons?

OKAY SO. IMMEDIATE PIVOT TO HEARTFELT DISCHARGE THAT I DID NOT EXPECT. OKAY. SCENE WHERE GRIF ADMITS HE DOESNT WANT TO LEAVE SIMMONS INCOMING?????

OR HE ASKED HIM TO COME WITH HIM. EVEN BETTER. HELLO.

man really great stuff here happening here but I still cant help but be like. so why isnt Donut here. is it the homophobia.

This song kinda sounds like. No. it couldn't be.

Okay over an hour and no Carolina I'm kind of feeling like when I walked into the Supernatural series finale thinking Castiel might return only to hit the point of the ten minute long wincest scene, with no Castiel in sight.

TEX RETURN???? THE PERSON WAS TEX??? NOT CAROLINA???????

All the budget went to getting Kathleen to return after her fallout with Rooster Teeth.........

Okay wait so is Doc real? He was really giving hallucination.

Wait okay drop from the sky. If this ISNT Carolina. I'm ending it.

THANK FUCKING GOD. THANK GOD.

Again I don't really know why getting to her wasn't part of Epsilon's plan but WHATEVER. whatever. do Donut next.

Also I would love love LOVE for some Carolina and Tex moments after this fight. really rooting for the Bechdel test pass.

Okay we really kill Tex again huh. Should have put that on my Bingo card.

If the AIs in Meta!Tucker are fragments of Epsilon, meaning presumably when he fragmented the Epsilon memories would be gone, how does this Sigma know about Allison =Tex = Beta.

The cone on Grif did get me lmao.

EXPLAIN TO ME THE SWORD THING WHAT. Did Meta!Tucker say "You never were?" Am I missing something. That isn't how the swords work.

DONUT ONLY GETTING A CAMEO IN A CHEERLEADING OUTFIT GAG. HELLO. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE. WHY IS DONUT NOT HERE. also simmons gay thoughts.

why does simmons get the good throwing arm bit that was DONUTS thing. im about to break into Burnie's house. where is Donut.

Chex handhold walk into the white void. I should have put Chex on my bingo card.

Okay no so Doc still definitely a hallucination. What are we doing with this Burnie.

I'm counting Carolina looking sad at the smashed capture unit as Carolina Angst. Taking what I can get here.

Carolina just ignoring Wash mentioning Doc lmao.

OKAY NO WAIT. DOC DEAD. DIED IN THE CHORUS BATTLE. WASH BEING HAUNTED BY GUILT OF DEAD DOC. Burnie recon'd the brain trauma but was like wait. hold my beer.

this sad as hell actually. damn.

also the revival of wash/doc as a ship concept like DAMN where my recollection homies at for real. Remember in Chorus trilogy when the gag was nobody gave a shit about Doc and forgot about him in the transportation cubes. I know Doc fans eating. Except for how he's, you know, dead.

North and CT appearances. THERES my minor freelancer cameos.

Man I have SO many thoughts(tm) on this scene that I cannot articulate right I need to digest it for a little bit but. Giving all this angst to Wash (instead of Carolina). The scene on the beach in s15 being better because it wasn't slanted toward Wash. Why did I think Burnie was gonna do my girl right.

Agent One appearance..... oh wow...... yay............ 😑

Grif leaving without Simmons? No. no way.

Okay im gonna. Thats not. man.

Sorry I'm gonna get hung up on this in the Grimmons way first and then the rest of it after. WHY would you have the little "come with me" only to split up after. Not that I expected Grimmons lets be real but I didn't expect a split and more importantly I didnt expect a HALF BLOOD GULCH split up. Is the ending really for SIMMONS AND CABOOSE to be 1vs1'ing in the box canyon. Season 11 they were planning to go "home" and then the ship crashed. There is long since no Command. WHAT are they going to be doing there. Burnie ANSWER me.

okay credit rolling and they really gave Meta a stupid voice so Miles could do it huh. okay. They also gave him Sigma which I did catch in the voice acting.

the one Donut line WAS Dan Godwin. Mr Godwin what was your schedule like. PLEASE. could you really not reprise your roll. COULD THEY HAVE WRITTEN YOU OUT OF THE SEASON WITH A BIT MORE RESPECT, AND DARE I SAY GRAVITAS.

shout out to the one Andy line too lmao I didnt mention that earlier.

IT WAS THE BARE NAKED LADIES. THAT SONG. I KNEW IT. thats where the other half of the budget went I guess.

okay well. Its over. I need to collect my thoughts. And make a post.

[variousqueerthings]

@yugiohio #op youre in good company as most people interpret this film as a queer coming of age film. myself included.#i saw it for the first time in my early teens and it impacted me in a way i have never been able to articulate.#ive reserved it from the library so many times. i have the movie downloaded to my computer. i made myself posters.#im still trying to find the dvd. im still trying to find the novel and manga. i love these girls and the way they love each other so much.#anywayyyyy you didnt ask for any of this but this movie is just so important to me and I'm so so so happy youve discovered it#and that youre posting content from it

hope it's okay to put this here, if not will edit the post, buuuut i usually do a little post-movie decompression and your tags are a great place to start it:

i have had this on my letterboxd to watch for awhile, and was tipped over the edge when the director of a play im in said "so there's a biker gang and one of the girls is obsessed with rococo" i cannot tell you what about that description charmed me so much i had to watch it immediately, but hey, sometimes you know that It's Time

i was kind of expecting a really serious film, and it turned out much more like a sweet queer romcom of that early 2000s lesbian flavour (meaning that most of them don't end up more than subtext, but the text in this one is... very text. they pretend they're about to kiss in the end-credits sequence type text)

was fun to accidentally land on another film that's about Style and Taste and The Soundtrack Being Cool, because i watched empire records and then young soul rebels these last couple of days, so clearly that's the theme of this little unexpected watching time

but seriously this film is really Cool, first and foremost, and it's got a fascinating set of philosophies in it about style (especially clothes) that surprised me, because you don't get a lot of cinema celebrating style without at least giving a cautionary "but watch out lest you become Shallow!" i really enjoyed that the arc of this one was "actually i am great at making clothes and im really capable actually, but i'd much rather buy clothes and look pretty in order to be a true rococo woman! the most important thing is dedication to Style! (and ichigo)"

like, her ethos really is high femme camp -- she's there to look beautiful and she enjoys that and she does it on her own terms, and specifically the only person she enjoys making for is... ichigo

and consequently, while she absolutely dresses for herself, there is also a sense that the only person whose opinion she values is also ichigo, and ichigo treats her exactly how she wants to be treated -- when momoko faints, she runs to her and cradles her head, she takes her out on her bike at the end, she's the strong badass to momoko's sweet prettiness

but then in another fun subversion, momoko is the one constantly looking out for ichigo -- she has the clothes she needs (and sells them for cheap), she embroiders her jacket after going a full day on a search for a person we later find out doesn't exist, she wins all the money, she comes for her when ichigo is in danger of getting seriously hurt and saves her, she gets offered a job based on her competencies that later on gives ichigo an opportunity (ironically to look pretty, which... she really really is beautiful) (although they both turn them down after getting a taste of it, they'd much rather roll around on a bike together). ichigo says at the end that she'll simply never be out of her debt, and that makes momoko smile, like yeah, that means they'll have to stay together forever

idk this movie is just so Cool and so Fun and soooo so gay

i also note that the single mild no-homo is so immaterial that watching it i wasn't actually sure if it wasn't about akimi, who was introduced as this beautiful vision that changed ichigo's life back in the day and now it turns out that not only is she engaged to this man, she's pregnant and leaving the gang, shifting ichigo's whole axis -- the framing is on her, she was introduced with the In Love/Lesbian Awakening Gaze, she's the reason ichigo is who she is, and the catalyst for why ichigo eventually leaves the gang (the other catalyst being momoko + the slightly less focused-on one of "not liking the direction it's going in"). it's got such a "im a teenager and upset about this but i cannot say why, it must be because im in love with this guy i barely know and because uh... i don't respect the new leader's vision!"

i think this film also carries a certain kind of vibe that reminds me of streets of fire, that is, in some ways it feels much more like a myth or a fairytale, because everything is so extravagant and yet slightly vague (and i mean that positively). we're being introduced to the origins of a myth of these two people who travel the roads in cool clothes and set biker gangs right, like. Urgh it's so Cool!

and the animation i didnt even mention the animation but it's got Cool Animation too!!!!

it's funny, i tend to land hard on the "gets obsessed with more masc characters" (wow wonder why) but in this one -- while of course they're both great and that's the point -- i was absolutely enamoured with momoko. her casual cynicism, her confusion about why she suddenly cares about one (1) person, her absolute dedication to The Vibe that is her whole being, her seemingly being completely unaware of just how easily she can draw people to her. just, the Power that is momoko (and now she's got the muscle of ichigo, nothing can stop them)

[wot-tidbits]

10 Years Anniversary

PART 3

The bad memories

For 10 years I can tell many stories where I was the center of controversies with scandals and all that shit but two stories stand out among trivial ones with their unique meaning for me.

I have angered many people through the years, I am the Asshole after all, and from very early phase I got used to the flexibility of the followers counter. I wondered what the ratio is so I start counting manually who unfollowed me. Yes, I know your names... for the stats. I stopped around 2017 and for my first 3000 followers there were around 1000 unfollowers.

And this was long before the TV series drama.

Today is around 1.5-2 to 1 ratio probably. The record is around 100 unfollowers for 24 hours. But this is not the point. I never considered being unfollowed/blocked as "bad memory". You might be impressed if such numbers happen to you but I got used to that behavior to be normal. Nobody is obliged to follow me or to stay. What I feel is pity which is not for me, but for the people who unfollow/block. Like, imagine seeing all this amazing content of great fan posts, art, memes, etc., one of the best places for WoT fans for exploration and to decide to shoot yourself in the foot. Because why not handicap yourself to prove how angry you are. And do not get me wrong - everyone has the freedom to choose what to do.

So about the stories that I want to share today.

For the first one we have to go back to 2015 when there was created a Skype group chat for WoT fans from Tumblr. At that exact time by coincidence I was in my biggest controversy where pretty much the whole active UAF ganged on me and I was left alone to defend myself as nobody wanted to get involved. I won't get into boring details why and what happened, not because I am ashamed or something but as this is completely irrelevant for the point of this story. So because of the drama it was out of question for me to be member of that Skype chat group. But the Pattern had other plans. By pure accident I got access to their chat logs. I want to be very clear - I did not pretend or lie to be someone else, nor I asked someone to pretend or lie for me. I did not plot it to trick anyone, it just happened.

At the time of the scandal basically this chat group acted as tool for coordination for my opposition on what and how to attack me in the scandal. They could not suspect anything so you can imagine how free and safe they were in slandering my name without any hesitation. I read amazing speculations and many various labels about myself. It was surreal and brutal experience to know what exactly was going on in real time. I do not recommend anyone such revelation. Especially if you cannot handle people to speak your name in bad faith. This is not the first time where I tell the story as I have talked about it here and here.

And I make this reveal not to play the victim or to play the creep. You can imagine that by having this priceless information this was dangerous “weapon” for me as well as for the people involved. For many of you this is nightmare and you probably start imagining various horrible scenarios of cyber harassment.

I wouldn't tell this story if such was the case. No one was threatened, hurt, stalked, harassed or whatever action by me. The only thing that truly angered me was how third completely innocent parties got involved and slandered for nothing. I did not care for myself. At the end after time I had chat with some of the members of the Skype group. And with one of the members I even got to be on friendly speaking terms.

The point of the story is not to tell you how badly I was treated in that hidden chat but that while I was in my lowest point in the fandom, reading all the shit about me, knowing who told what - after the drama I did not hold any grudge and I wanted to communicate. And I did communicate and no one can come out and show disrespectful DMs of mine because of what I have known.

And while for the first story I succeeded to not be bothered what false lies strangers on the Internet tell about me, the second one broke my heart and hurt badly my state of mentality.

For four years I considered and treated a group of people on the Internet as my close friends. Yeah, huge mistake. Do you know what the feeling to be betrayed by friends is? Better not finding out. It did some damage on my mental stability for quite a time as I haven't ever been betrayed at such severe degree before.

I got backstabbed in the heart with no warning out of a clear blue sky. And I stand by these words. I have not talked on my blog about it in the last 2 years but for the purpose of this post, I will tell some of it. No one can come out and say that I did something inappropriate in public or in private. At the end I got betrayed for being "potential threat". This accusation could fly if I was some newbie. But after 4 years? For 4 years of constant communication any real evidence couldn't be found? People couldn't look with their own eyes that 4 years I have never been a threat for anyone despite having admin position to do so much? On the contrary, my introverted ass was constantly pushing around to connect with people and push for the community to be active. I have not changed for these particular 4 years and I have not changed till now. For 10 years as I am on Tumblr no one can come and tell real story of harassment or bullying. With the generic exception of the usual "he is an asshole" because I challenged their opinion and did nothing else.

But again. The point is not making myself victim, or how badly it affected me.

The point, as with the first story, is communication. I am still here. I am still willing to talk with people who do not share my views. We are all different after all. For many of you it may seem impossible and you will forever live in fear and pain.

It doesn't matter how badly I was treated, there is always a bigger goal. I may live in fear, suspicion and pain from all the bad treatment. But this cannot compare to the bigger disaster and the bigger pain watching the superficial manipulated division in the fandom. If we do not want to communicate and talk through our differences, no one else will do it.

Do you know who I credit for my mentality to go through the blur of pain and to still willing to communicate with the people who wronged me? That's right.

Robert Jordan.

Let the Light keep you safe.

LightOne

[imustbenuts]

A translation off the original text hosted at genius.com. Translated text will be highlighted with this color. This song has been stuck in my head for years! A LOT of liberties taken bc I really want to preserve the rap as much as i can (and potentially mess it up ;; if this can be improved in anyway please let me know)

[Intro] B-O-S-S until I fuckin' die (Die) B-O-S-S still wanna wanna kill some more B-O-S-S until I fuckin' die (Die) B-O-S-S still wanna wanna kill some more I am the boss here, B-O-S-S Look at my necklace, ayy, it do be shine, eh I am my sensei, teachin' me fight, ayy Can't give up, yeah, this a game, yeah

[Refrain] Wow that's crazy, how'd you pull that off? So I'm asked but hell if I even know myself I gonna hit you like kamikaze, whoever you are I feel nothing, I feel nothing

[Verse 1] (Hold up, hold up) Why can't I be like the [ ] with the silver face? I just want to live my life at my own fuckin' pace I'm tired of being from the human race If God the judge, then help a [ ] beat the fuckin' case (Woo) Why can't I be like the [ ]with the silver face? Stompin' [ ]down, puttin' [ ]in they place And my skin so brown, you might think it chocolate cake But life ain't sweet, my [ ], I'm just gettin' to the cake (Ayy) I'm the underdog (Underdog), ignore my fate (Ignore my fate) Never gave a fuck (Nah, nah) in the first place (First place) I'm just gettin' buck (Gettin' buck) like I'm Silver Face (Silver Face) I'm just diggin' in the motherfuckin' record crate That pussy sweet on the first date (Uh) I ain't had shit on the dinner plate (Woo) The boss man shitted on my fuckin' chestplate (Uh) Thinkin' way too hard, I think I over contemplate

[Chorus] On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher

[Post-Chorus] It's ending, this world, and in this dangerous world right now Take your finger off the trigger, I'm not really a killer I just came to figure how to make my life better Run away, I am legging it Here on out, I wanna make it better

[Verse 2] Marason with the my bro, marathon with the my bro B-O-S-S dig it love it a preachy psycho Personal chauffeur after shitfaced? Ain't got that, y'know I don't gonna lie, yo, this here is my zone

[Refrain]

Wow that's crazy, how'd you pull that off? So I'm asked but hell if I even know myself I gonna hit you like kamikaze, whoever you are I feel nothing, I feel nothing

[Verse 3] Courage in my right love in my left hand Don't need either I just need that freedom Give me a chance to run and I'll run You realize too is this too real Goals' in sight and your body's fluttering out like an extinguisher barely putting up any fight Marason solo play like an exhausted school principle in conbini relaxing for sabbatical Screwed up is this world, don't have vocabs Red bandana, shot straight into your heart Anyway you just don't cry, don't cry Play's an impossibility, this is real world game

[Verse 4] I understand [ ], I got it Copy that bitch, I be on it Things I don't know, I don't really trip about it Criminal stuff, I don't fuck with that (Woo) What it do? What it do? What it do? What the fuck you on? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? You know where I'm from But I don't know where the fuck I be from I cannot believe what the fuck I have become (Ayy) Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up, I be runnin' wild NaniNaniNaniNaniNani, I'm the devil's child Arigatou, bitch, beat that pussy up I'm on a roll, bitch, Neo Tokyo A future exists we be wildin' out, A future exists we be wildin' out Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up, I be runnin' wild NaniNaniNaniNaniNani, I'm the devil's child

[Chorus] On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher

[Post-Chorus] It's ending, this world, and in this dangerous world right now Take your finger off the trigger, I'm not really a killer I just came to figure how to make my life better Run away, I am legging it Here on out, I wanna make it better

[battlemageserioth]

Jim's interrogation awaiting his trial, 6

In a surprising twist, Jim has willingly given himself over to the Council. I suspect he plans something, but I hold no proof. I will question him, and use an Orb of Recording to transcribe our conversation. I hope it will be fruitful.

J=Jim

S=Serioth

_________________________________________

[Running and heavy breathing.]

[Door slamming open.]

S: THE ARTIFACT STORAGE ROOM, JIM?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!

J: Ah. Serioth. Here you are.

S: Answer me!

[Mana sizzling.]

S: You are under arrest by order of the Council! Surrender now!

J: You're too late, I'm afraid. I have the Boots of Transportation. Even a mundane could use those to leave.

S: You..! Who got you out?! Is it Werill?! I knew-

J: You know, I never liked the City of Towers. Too busy, too crowded for my liking. But the Council's artifact room? I must admit, this place is a masterpiece. Cutting edge security system, as long as you don't have Council credentials, ancient engravings on every wall, collumns big enough to be a titan's legs, and a glass roof, to see the stars. Do you remember, Serioth?

S: Remember what?! I'm not playing your games!

J: [Sigh.] The stars. We used to watch them together, on top of the old hills next to my tower. I told you about the constellations of my homeworld, and you told me about yours. Sometimes one of us had an anecdote or a story to tell. Then we were quiet. A peaceful kind of quiet, at least that's how I saw it. We spent hours like this, just looking up. In those moments, Serioth, I really thought we had something.

S: We-

J: But that was a lie. I never lied to you, but by the gods did I lie to myself. Our relationship was falling appart, and I tried telling myself that we were doing okay. That you were not growing distant. That if I worked, just a little more, you'd talk to me. [Jim bitterly laughing.] That was the biggest one. Whatever I did, you never even considered me a colleague. An equal. You didn't see me as a lover either. Or maybe you didn't want to. Maybe you didn't want to be vulnerable. Maybe you were scared. But you never told me that. So I just assumed something was wrong with me. The second I became a Council member, you just... Clammed up. I tried to talk about it with you. I really did. Never managed to. In fact, we never had a proper conversation, at the time.

S: [Long silence.] ...is this what this is about?

J: No. Not really. You wanted to hear my plan, didn't you?

S: Look, Jim, we can-

J: Well here it is. I'm going to become a lich.

S: You... What? Why?

J: Got all the necessary artifacts right here. I'll use the Boots to teleport with them, and even Hummbirb's Anti-Teleportation Sigils can't stop this kind of magical gear. So I'll get out, and I'll complete the ritual. Because while you might know nothing of the inner politics of the Council, I do. And guess what?

[Jim stepping towards Serioth.]

J: If I am judged, I'll be put to death. The Council wants to make an exemple out of me, and I'm not going to stand there and take it. I'm not a doormat anymore. They won't get my head without a fight. I want to live. I have things to do, dreams to realize, magics to study. And as long as I cannot defend myself against the Council, I'll depend on others to do that. And I'll put them in danger. I can't risk something like Gavamont getting hurt because of me.

S: Jim, please! They won't kill you! The Council won't kill anyone! We can-

J: Goodbye, Serioth. It was nice talking to you.

S: No!

[Serioth jumping forward]

[Jim teleporting]

[Serioth falling on the ground]

S: Jim! You can't do this! Come back!

_________________________________________

PREV || NEXT

[luanna801]

Live Renfield Reaction - 5/25

(Note: I owe the idea for these posts to @animate-mush twice over. First of all because the whole idea came from their suggestion that Renfield knows about the details of Jack’s life because he’s overheard Jack recording his diary, which made me immediately want to write out how he might have reacted in real time. And secondly because of course because the concept is borrowed from their brilliant Live Mina Reactions to Jonathan’s journal.

Be warned, my Renfield is a lot less apt to make heart-eyes at his subject, and a lot more inclined to be sarcastic and introspective by turns. Language is blatantly anachronistic in places because we’re going for the ~vibe~ of what Renfield would have been thinking and not necessarily the exact words he would have used, and also I’ve made the executive decision that Renfield should be allowed to say “fuck”.)

Ebb tide in appetite to-day. Cannot eat, cannot rest, so diary instead.

Oof. Tough day there, doc?

I might be more sympathetic if you hadn't decided to make it everyone else's problem.

Since my rebuff of yesterday I have a sort of empty feeling; nothing in the world seems of sufficient importance to be worth the doing....

Ahhh, I see. Got rejected? So the enchanting Miss Lucy wasn't won by the prospect of a man with an immense lunatic asylum. I guess that means she won't be joining us here anytime soon.

How strange to sit in a place like this and listen to him sigh over girl trouble. It's at times like this I remember we're all under the care of a man young enough to be my son. That part of my life seems so endlessly long ago.

As I knew that the only cure for this sort of thing was work, I went down amongst the patients. I picked out one who has afforded me a study of much interest.

Is he talking about me???

I'd prefer not to be talked about like a trinket you picked out at a flea market, if so.

He is so quaint-

QUAINT??? QUAINT?????

-that I am determined to understand him as well as I can.

HA. Good luck with that.

To-day I seemed to get nearer than ever before to the heart of his mystery.

Did you? Or did you just ask me an endless barrage of questions designed to show off how smart you are?

I questioned him more fully than I had ever done, with a view to making myself master of the facts of his hallucination.

Kid, I don't even think I'm master of the facts of my hallucination.

In my manner of doing it there was, I now see, something of cruelty.

GLAD TO KNOW YOU NOTICED IT TOO

I seemed to wish to keep him to the point of his madness—a thing which I avoid with the patients as I would the mouth of hell.

How thoughtful. Why do I get to be your oh-so-special exception, exactly?

(Mem., under what circumstances would I not avoid the pit of hell?)

Do you know, I've asked myself that question too?

Omnia Romæ venalia sunt. Hell has its price! verb. sap.

Ooh, nice Latin! Slightly misquoted, but I can't say I disagree. We do all have our price.

And if it's pretentious Latin quotes you want, I can play that game too: Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.*

[*A quote from Virgil's Aeneid, loosely translated as "If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell."]

If there be anything behind this instinct it will be valuable to trace it afterwards accurately, so I had better commence to do so, therefore—

R. M. Renfield, ætat 59.—

Ohhhhh, this should be INTERESTING.

Sanguine temperament;

Yeah, fair enough.

great physical strength;

Yes. 😉

morbidly excitable;

Also true.

periods of gloom, ending in some fixed idea which I cannot make out.

So much for getting ~nearer to the heart of my mystery~.

I presume that the sanguine temperament itself and the disturbing influence end in a mentally-accomplished finish;

Genuinely, I have no idea what the fuck you just said.

a possibly dangerous man,

😈

probably dangerous if unselfish. In selfish men caution is as secure an armour for their foes as for themselves.

That's a very interesting idea!

I guess I'm honest enough to admit I'm selfish more often than not. If I did consume the life around me and add it to my own, would that be the ultimate selfishness? Or is it justified for the greater cause?

Maybe the true selfishness is that I don't really care. I only know that I must do it; nothing else matters.

Then again, maybe all you can do is look to your own interests, when you're shut away from the world. Amuse yourself as best you can, and survive another day.

Which category would the good doctor put himself in, I wonder? Selflessly laboring on behalf of us poor lunatics? Or selfishly using us for your own prestige?

And is the one more dangerous than the other? What might he do in the name of "helping"?

How dangerous is your unselfishness, Doctor Seward?

What I think of on this point is, when self is the fixed point the centripetal force is balanced with the centrifugal; when duty, a cause, etc., is the fixed point, the latter force is paramount, and only accident or a series of accidents can balance it.

Do you listen to yourself when you talk???

[watatsumiis]

congrats on 200, general!! i wld like to participate in this event, as i'm better at picking random numbers and a character than i am at describing myself LOL

how's 77 + dottore sound?

Thank you !! I figured I'd try and make this event a little more accessible for people to participate in if they want, so I'm glad that worked :3 !

This is an ... Interesting song, but I feel like it could go somewhat well with Dottore! This'll be less of a lyric-based drabble and more of a... ~vibes~ kind of thing, if that makes any sense.

"If you don't take your medicine, the evil doctor will come and take you away."

It wasn't uncommon for parents to tell their children stories such as this in last-ditch attempts to make sure they stayed healthy and clean. To most, it was just a set of little white lies told to get the young ones to listen.

To the higher ups in the Akademiya, however, half-expunged physical records show that there's more truth to these stories than they would ever let on to the public.

Tales of a prodigal student being expelled from the Akademiya for unethical experiments are passed along in whispers over dimly-lit study sessions in the House of Daena, though the students still sleep soundly at night with the knowledge that the Akasha affirms them that it's all untrue, simply hearsay.

Of course the Akademiya wouldn't just let such a dangerous individual loose on the rest of Sumeru, right? How ridiculous.

Of course, the news cycles out of Sumeru, making it all the way from Port Ormos to Zapolyarny Palace in Snezhnaya. Funny how fast rumours can travel.

Dottore finds it ridiculous, but ... amusing, to a degree, to think that his juvenile escapades were so notorious that they are still talked about to this day.

Soon enough, they'll have much, much more to talk about. Things that even the Akasha cannot erase.

The prodigal ex-student smiles to himself in his lab as he pores over his plans. Not much longer, now.

Please don't repost, steal, copy or otherwise plagarise my writing! This includes posting translations to other sites.

[jisungshotfirst]

happy pride month my family<3

this pride is a special one for me. it's my sixth year holding up my trans flag, my first with my aro and ace! i am just a baby aro-ace but i've spent a long time with the label transgender now, I've gotten to know her well and know myself better through it.

I started testosterone six months ago. I am twenty one, twenty two this year. I've known I'd need hormone therapy since i was fifteen. six years knowing i needed it and six months with it. even still, accessing it is hard. i've had to venture to online spaces, online healthcare because my country leaves us to die on up to ten year waiting lists. pharmacies don't trust the prescriptions i give them. doctors can't offer help. I am alone through the process, a confusing conflicting process, and do it out of desperation - my safety and anxiety is set to the side out of desperation. the public system, the one that places ireland as the worst for trans healthcare in all of europe, asked me invasive questions, recorded my entire life story in writing in their notes, and sent me out the door to await the answer whether they will choose to help me or not. whether they believe me or not. i've been waiting for three months, today.

just today i've come across the theory that us trans people "submit to scientific objectification in an instrumental way, to get something we need." I project the idea that i am "a man born in a woman's body" to get institutions (doctors, teachers, legislators) to listen to me, and it is under the guise of "honesty", which it hasn't been in years and likely not at all. even at fifteen I understood it was more complex than that. we are forced to simplify ourselves, objectify ourselves, to make us understandable and make us worth helping. the idea in institutions that honesty means you will be treated fairly does not apply to us because all treatment is gendered. and if you are complicated you are pushed to the side. we are deemed "too complicated" for our modern binary society and that confusion towards us manifests to apathy, or hatred and fear. when we are in our own spaces, being ourselves we are feared, we are isolated. when we try to navigate society we don't do it as ourselves, we exist as simplified versions of ourselves, ready to get smaller, ready to disappear if there is danger. it is tiring. and it is detrimental.

it is not us that are too complicated for modern binary society, it is gender itself. gender is simplified, and therefore we as individuals ,as forefronts of gender experiences and conversations, are simplified. we don't know what gender is. modern queer theorists suggests its in the actions. that there is no pre-societal understanding of ones gender, and it is something we engage in and act prior to a feeling. I like this understanding. yes, it contradicts our one tool towards institutions listening to us, our tool of self-objectification and self-simplification. however it takes out the why completely. it is the why that we are asked that requires those tools. why are you transgender. why do you feel this way. why do you want to transition. why do trans people exist? that why shouldn't exist. it shouldn't exist with our current, simplified understanding of gender - it is no wonder our answers are simplified. if we accept that we don't know. if we let existence exist. if we let comfort be sought, if we let happiness be made. if we let help be asked for and be given. we'd have much more time to experience and observe and understand.

it pains me though that we cannot use this happiness, this comfort, and this blissful lack of understanding to fight. we have to use our simplified selfs as our tools. please look after your trans siblings<3 fight for us with your honesty and your aggression and your own queerness and your allyship because we truly truly need it. and my fellow trans siblings<3 lets continue to live without a why, continue to live honestly and aggressively and confusingly<3 please continue to live as you are. we are complex. we are loved. we deserve to live.

[calypso-finale]

Ninety Five. Part 3

I have been feeling like shit really, when Oakley said those words and the way he looked at me, he hates me and of course he hates me look at what I have done to him but he hasn’t looked at me they way he did, I don’t know what videos he has sent him but clearly I think they are sexual because he said you’re not so shy but I don’t remember any of it really “Rylee, this is supposed to be our last session in person and I feel you’re not ready, and if I mention this to your mother she will push you back to be here, talk to me. What happened, you’re in an emotional vulnerable state when I saw you last week you wasn’t, you was happy and upbeat. You cannot push your happiness on others, we spoke on this. I said that you are pushing the happiness of yourself on being with Oakley and I said it’s fine to have goals, but you need to realistic that he may not want it” I sniffled “well I don’t think he really fucking does ok” wiping my tears “speak to me, what happened” I took in a deep breath “Saint sent him fucking videos, and I think it’s of us fucking, he said like you’re not so shy. And I know what that meant because he said I am shy in bed and I am, I am really” I sobbed “I don’t fucking remember having sex with Saint, I was never into it but it’s something you have to do when in a relationship, I have to do it, I am not my mother. I am not naturally like that. Ok I get it, I have it or whatever, but I am not her” I sobbed out “just have a moment Rylee, calm down” placing my hands over my face as I sobbed out “I never wanted this” I said, moving my hands back “I didn’t want this and now he has seen me in that state, I know it’s sexual. He looked at me in such disappointment, he was so upset with me” I sniffled “he sent things of me to him knowing what I feel about him, I shouldn’t have posted the picture and he was sat there, I shouldn’t have done it and now look” taking in a deep breath, my therapist isn’t going to want me to go back to London like this, I need to calm down “so you was drunk, and you do not remember him taking this footage?” he pointed, shaking my head “I don’t remember a thing, I always ended up wanting to be drunk or high with him but like I didn’t drink much, I don’t. Like if I knew he was recording me I would say stop” he shook his head “that needs to go to the police, Rylee it is wrong. That needs to be shown to the police and he needs to be in jail, he is a danger to other women” I swallowed hard.

I think my therapist wants me to not go to London now “ok, I am glad you are calm. Yes?” nodding my head “I have been wanting to cry, my mom has been getting at me about it and I just closed off, she is like you should know, you know he would have done that, but I didn’t. Oakley knows me, he does know me, and he knows that ain’t me. I just, he hates me, and I know it now, I think it is too far gone, I feel so dirty about myself now. Like he was building something up of me, why was he recording me so much, why is it I never remember, I just don’t get it. I remember that one time he pushed me, and I remember that he just said you were drunk. He would get at me because like he knew I didn’t want sex so he would push on the drinking, I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why can’t I just be like my mother, openly sexual. It’s like even if photoshoot I have to get into that zone and it’s like I see comments it’s always sick fantasias men have of sleeping with my mom, and I think it’s always been that, which then I didn’t trust men sexually. This is why when I saw Oakley, he just didn’t care who I was, he just saw me for me, nothing phased him, and I liked that. I fucked up so bad. I have issues with men being near me” this is a mess “when you have sex with anyone, it’s giving trust in that man. You never consented to that footage, and I am wanting you to go to the police with this, you didn’t consent in it. If Oakley still has it then it would great to get this criminal off the streets, between me and you this could be rape Rylee you do not remember” I swallowed hard “but I believe you not to take a step back because you have come so far, you’re happy and people that aren’t in a good place like to bring people down” he has a point.

Ever since Oakley looked at me like that and said I am not shy; I have been feeling like shit. Not talking to anyone, Aziel I left him with Oakley because I was ready to break. My dad, I feel he is upset with me because he had a little inkling of what it may be, I didn’t want this but it’s my fault, I can only blame myself in this “intervention time” I barely walked into my house and Lillian is stood there “and welcome home” I sighed out “yeah” walking up the steps “is she back” walking into the house “I spoke to my therapist, and I don’t know if I feel any better or worse” looking down at the ground and then looking up “how can I not know that someone was recording me” I sobbed out “Rylee” I heard Ti say “no, no, no. What you mean” Ti spat hearing her run over “what do you mean girl?” I sniffled looking up “Saint sent Oakley videos of us, Oakley didn’t say what but he said you’re not that shy and that means sex, because he calls me shy and we have that inside thing and he always saw me as this innocent one and he looked at me like shit, and I never got that dirty look off him before, I don’t know what it is but I assume it is sex, what the fuck. I didn’t know” Ti grabbed my arms “listen to me, you know what happened with mom, oh my god. You don’t remember, Oakley has to fucking tell you and you need to get him locked up, the fucking videos need to disappear, no” Ti is in a state “listen to me, you are not weak. You hold yourself up, Rylee no. What the fuck, you know what I was always scared you would get used, least with me and Melo I knew it but not knowing is the worst. And I remember when we spoke on it, and you said to me I don’t want to be that sex fantasy for men, he did that and made you into his mom, that is what he did, he has fucking issues with that!” my lower lip quivered “oh the bastard!” Halle said, Ti hugged me.

I need to stop crying, I need to stop. I am not weak “I feel sick to my stomach” Halle mumbled “you know what, Saint has issues with his mom and her sex tape. I remember North telling us, he was never right. He first liked Imani, and then me and then you, you was stupid enough to jump because you was having issues with Oakley. North said he wasn’t right and with you still stuck on your ex, he wasn’t liking itso clearly he wanted to degrade you, he is crazy! Look what he did to his ex. He wants to degrade you, what is mom saying?” Ti said, “she is on my case, she wants to know but I don’t know a thing, I don’t remember anything, I really don’t” Ti shook her head “no more tears, fuck him. You need to make sure he is put away because if he doesn’t do it to you then it will be another girl, they shouldn’t go through it” she spat “she is right” Lillian agreed “he hates me, I just ran out of the house. He looked at me like shit” I said “you sure it wasn’t hurt, look you need to know or see what was on there, he needs to be locked up” I shook my head “what if he leaks it? My life will be over, I am scared” Halle is so angry “your mom is Rihanna, your dad is Chris. You fucking find out, that motherfucker will be in the ground, your uncle Herb is ready to gun niggas down, don’t be scared! You do not remember, it was rape! I don’t care what you feel to that, you go to Oakley right now, you find out. That man will do it, Tianna. Get up, you driving, we going there. We are dropping you off, you did nothing wrong my girl, we dealing with this and then we see if your parents ever get let his ass live a normal fucking life” nodding my head.

I need to suck it up but now I am at the house I don’t want to go in “we will be here waiting, go inside and you say to him what was it, watch it even if it hurts, you need that evidence. And we going to get his ass” Halle pointed “you know mom is psycho, Rylee they are right. Fuck it all, go in there. You will also only know if he cares about you still and I bet he does, because from what I know of him he seems like a guy that will respect you always” opening the door “we love you girl” Lillian let my hand go “he was out with dad last night he may not want visitors” Halle kissed her teeth “and if I knock that door down then what” closing the car door, that is something we don’t want now. Pressing the doorbell and just stepped back, this is so awkward. I am having to talk to Oakley not about Aziel but a potential sextape, like this is fucking crazy and I hate myself so much, why me “oh you here for Aziel” Neil said, I didn’t realise “Wadz took him out” nodding my head “I am here for Oakley” Neil paused “oh he is upstairs, come in Rylee” he smiled at me, walking into the house “maybe you can get him to come down” Neil closed the door “go up, I don’t know what he is doing” he walked off, like why can’t he just get him to come to me. Neil is a pain, why is he setting me up like that. I am going to do it anyways, as I got to the top of the stairs Oakley just stepped out of the room and he froze, he stared at me and I just stared at him “please can we talk” I said to him, he isn’t saying a word “you don’t owe me nothing, but I need to know what you saw” Oakley looked away from me and stepped back into the room “come” oh that was some bass in that “big girl panties on” I mumbled to myself.

I really just want the ground to swallow me up, all of this is a mess. I am scared of what he saw but also my friends and family are right, I need to know. When I got into the room Oakley is just sat down on the couch on the end of the bed, this is so hard “don’t beat yourself up about it” he just said, so randomly “what do you mean?” I questioned “about everything, just life init. I don’t want you to feel a type of way about it all, it’s life. I know what it’s like to feel like shit, just don’t let it get you down. Move on from it, if I didn’t see you the very day then I think maybe my reaction would be different, but you was there and I was angry so yeah, it don’t matter. I don’t hate you, if I can forgive Kenza then generally I can forgive anyone, Aziel is out. I’ll get Wadz to drop him off” Oakley is right, I don’t deserve him, and it’s always been that way, I just said that he didn’t deserve me and it was all to do with looks “I didn’t came here for Aziel” he frowned “alright” he is confused now “I’ve been in a pretty shit state since you said what you said” he laughed “I assumed, I know. But yeah?” I don’t have enough tears to cry so I don’t think I can “erm, I need to know what was sent to you, because I don’t remember it and I want to take it to the police. If you can tell me, if he was recording me I would have said stop it. Or told him no, did I say that?” He shook his head “Oakley I didn’t want you to see that, please help” I pulled down at my sleeves, he is just staring at me “you erm” he looked away from me “I get it Oakley, it was never me too good for you. You’re actually too good for me and I see that, if this all comes out. Then I’m gonna be what every man assumes I am, and I’m not that” my voice broke “Oakley please!” I spat “I really don’t want to see it again or relive it, I didn’t sleep all night. You know like I’ve seen videos of girls, and really I don’t care but it hits different when you love that person and you know that person, and I know you was out of it, but I was mad with you, I told you that North is a shit person, but you wanted to be loyal. You didn’t need to do that to yourself, I want you to love yourself Rylee, you showed me how to love and I really wish you cared about you” nodding my head trying to suppress my sob “you’re an addict to making stupid mistakes Rylee, because yeah I may have fucked up and at the start I had you in places that you shouldn’t be. You know what we had, and you jumped to hit me over nothing, and once again this baby shit was nothing. All you women do is shit on me but here I am with you asking me to bail you out but I will, because I care for you, because I do love you and out of the respect I have for your dad and somewhat I have left for you, I will. Doesn’t mean I am happy with you” I shakily sobbed out “I’m sorry” I apologised “come, let’s go” he just got up out of nowhere “where?” I asked confused “police, I’ll drive” I let out an oh.

Oakley got into his car and I made my way to the car the girls are sat in “what is happening?” Ti asked, “he just said come let’s go the police” Ti pulled a face “shouldn’t you discuss this with mom? Has he shown you anything” shaking my head “he just said that let’s go police, I’ve seen nothing and I’m honestly too scared to see really, all I’m going to see is not me” Ti looked at me in sadness “I’m going with him, I’ll keep in contact” I said walking off “Lee, please be careful. Just please, you worry me. You’re stupid!” Ti is scolding me when I should be scolding her, but I am the stupid one “I know” making my way to Oakley’ car like I don’t even know what he’s doing, like I don’t get it but I’m flowing with it. I didn’t even get in the car yet and he reversing out, just staring at him and he laughed, a little kick he got out of it but he stopped so I could get in. He has a Urus, rental the one I bought him I sold because I mean with everything that happened I don’t think he wants to know anyways “why the police station?” I asked “you said help, I am. Trust me” I do trust him, I always would trust him. I would trust him with my whole self, he doesn’t know that. I see it now, and I see it well that I’m not good for him, he’s the better one. I bought nothing but pain to him “I do trust you” it feels so weird to be in a close vicinity to Oakley “I just don’t want you to stress, I know how it feels. Aziel needs you” I have to laugh “he’s got the gang, he forgets me anyways” Aziel is a daddy’s boy “yeah, but he loves you” it makes me want to cry, I had a good man I did, and I fucked up, and I don’t think I can get him back after all this.

This is crazy just being in this place right now, I am scared “you are so calm” Oakley looked at me “I am helping init” the door opened “sorry for the wait, I am detective Stuart and my colleague Mia” I swallowed hard, I don’t even know what to say about this. This is so official, looking at Oakley “so how can I help?” the detective looked at me and I want the ground to swallow me up “we want to report a sexual assault, to me it was rape because there was no consent there” my face softened staring at Oakley “ok and this is in regards to the lady?” he pointed at me “so let’s start with names, who you are to the lady?” I didn’t know he was going to say that “I am her ex-boyfriend, baby father now. So we have a relationship through that, I am Oakley, and that is Rylee” he is writing this all down “so how did you become involved in this?” of course this is going to be in depth “I was sent footage of it, I told him to delete it because I wanted no parts but he then sent me a picture and a voice note that said I am a bitch ass nigga, and the person in question is Saint West” I am just sat here mute, I don’t know what to say “that is Kanye and Kim son, that guy. The guy that beat his ex up, he has also assaulted Rylee and it’s all in my phone. It’s like revenge porn” I want to cry but I am so numb to it “so he sent you this footage, why?” Mia asked him “maybe he wants to shame Rylee, but I think he assumes that Rylee and I were back together because we had a bad split, I came here for a concert and to see my son, she and him were having disagreements and it seems like I was involved in it” Oakley said “so what type of footage was sent to you? Are you ok for us to look at this? We would need to take your phone as evidence and give it back of course” Oakley nodded his head “it was just footage, that was distressing to me really, I didn’t like it. And I wish for Rylee not to see it, she doesn’t remember it so if you want to see it, she has to leave” my face softened “Oakley” I said “I said what I said” he mumbled “that is fine, Mia if you can take Rylee” is it that bad “Oakley” I said again but he isn’t looking at me.

Oakley really isn’t going to let me see it “water” Mia came back to me “thank you” taking the water from her “what was Saint like, in general with you” she asked as she sat down “erm, when with his family he was ok, but he was like always there, he was protective of where I was. I just feel so confused because I know me, if he is recording me during sex I wouldn’t have that, I don’t remember it. And he won’t show me the footage, is it that bad. Like thinking back, I just don’t remember it. Like I know he pushed me that time and then he flung me but I was aware, but he got mad, I was in a bad place. I lost Oakley for my own behaviour and then I found out he got another girl pregnant, I jumped into another relationship which is him. He was very nice but then he wasn’t, manipulative in that sense but he erm, he started turning nasty when he knew I wasn’t getting over Oakley. I was so out of it, I was mourning a loss and he just added to it and made sure I was out of it, you think he drugged me” looking at Mia “this is something our team will look into” the other detective came out, he went over to the desk “an arrest for Saint West, if you can get one of the patrols to get him and bring him down, Rylee” he walked off “don’t worry, you are not in any trouble” she said but I am so scared right now, I want to go my mom and dad right now. Sitting down “Rylee we just need to take a statement from you but we have video evidence” I am so confused “but I haven’t seen it, it’s me on there” I said to Oakley “what do you want to see? Him slapping you or you on all fours?” Oakley glared at me “you was out of it, just sometimes stop” he hates me.