#GOD. IVE BEEN. I HAVE STARTED THIS ASK A COUPLE TIMES AND THEN CHICKENED OUT

[dailybaizhu]

baizhu and xiao meeting (again) unexpectedly

53: XIAO IS HERE

[wyn-n-tonic]

Golden, Like Daylight -- Part III

Word Count: 1,810 Warnings: Mentions of drug use. PTSD. Guns. Ben Affleck. As always, if I missed anything, please send me a message and I'll amend this warning ASAP. A/N: As you can tell, I'm a slut for dialogue.

MASTERLIST | PART: I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX

gif by: @santigogarcia.

“Francisco,” she’s swaying back and forth with a sleeping Luna in her arms and he can hear the pleading in her voice, “please don’t do this.”

He waited until the absolute last second to tell her but she knew as soon as she got his text—

Pope’s here. I’m gonna bring him by tomorrow to meet Luna, okay?

“Baby,” he catches her hip and pulls her into him, “it’s just a couple of days, consulting work. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“No,” she’s shaking her head, tears threatening to spill over, “you promised me. You looked me in the eye and you said, Leah, I’m done with this shit. Why are you going?”

He licks his lips and looks to Santi in the hallway, pretending to be lost in his phone. He knows he’s not.

“I’ll call you when we get to Colombia. I’ll call you every night and again when I’m on the plane home. Te prometo, ay?”

“Stop making promises,” she pulls away from him, hand on his chest to steady her shaking body, “we’ve established you don’t keep them.”

His hands find her shoulders and squeeze, “Baby, it’s almost twenty grand. We can pay off the car or,” he stammers, “your student loans. We can breathe.”

Frankie sees the words trying to formulate in front of him, the cogs of her mind turning behind her eyes. He’s bracing himself for what’s next but all she does is pull away, the only acknowledgement of the fact that she can’t stop him.

She turns on her heel and he watches her walk out the room, stopping as Santi picks up where Frankie left off.

“Stop being so harsh on him, he needs this. Your family needs this.”

Frankie takes in a breath as Leah’s free hand collides with Santi’s cheek and before he can even react, she’s rounding on him again.

“Don't you dare tell me what my family needs, Santiago Garcia. I love you because he loves you but you are nothing but trouble.”

She can feel Frankie coming up behind her, shifting the air again because he’s nothing but nerves but Santi’s too hot to notice.

“He'll be fine, Leah, you worry too goddamn much,” he wants to shout, that’s evident in his demeanor. "He’s a big boy, if he didn’t want to go, he’d tell me.”

“Baby,” Frankie’s hand wraps around her elbow, trying to gently coax her into his arms. He wants to lead her back to the bedroom. Hold her. Convince her.

“No,” she pulls away, eyes still hard on Pope, “the best case scenario is that he comes home alive, Santiago. But he’s not fine. And who’s here picking up the pieces? It’s not you.”

“Leah, I swear. It's just a consultation,” his jaw sets with the lie he fed the rest of them, like his body is finally rebelling to the bullshit but he continues on, “your husband will come home.”

Frankie’s still got one hand wrapped around her elbow, another on her back. Her anger is a hurricane, he can feel it churning deep inside as her voice comes out lower, “He better or—“

“Or what?” Santiago's face splits into a shit eating grin, “you'll try to kill me again? How is your sister by the way?”

“I won’t kill you, Santi, but I will put a bullet through the bad knee and I’ll make sure William gets me the good shit. The kind that shreds through tendon and bone like a blender.”

Nodding, Santi sucks the air through his teeth, “You can try but I honestly think you’re too chicken shi—“

“¡Basta!” Enough!

Frankie’s pulling on Leah again, the hand that was resting on the small of her back making its way to Luna now. Luna, who up until her father’s raised voice—the voice he never wanted her to know—was sleeping perfectly against her mother. Completely, blissfully unaware of the firefight happening around her.

“Pope,” his voice is shaking, “you need to go.”

“Fine,” he pulls his phone back up to his face. “I’ll pick you up for the airport tomorrow.”

“No,” he feels the hope emanating from Leah as he watches Santi’s face fall, “if I come, I’ll meet you there but this isn’t a conversation you’re involved in anymore.”

“Wha—what the fuck does that mean? I started the conversation.”

Leah pads back into the bedroom, heart aching, with Luna in her arms. Frankie watches as she closes the door and rounds on Santiago, slamming his back into the wall behind him with enough force to shake the house and when he speaks again, it’s measured and even. This is the calmest he has been in weeks.

It’s not a threat.

“If you ever speak to my wife like that again, she’s not the one you have to worry about putting a bullet into your body.”

It’s a promise. —————

Fish is most talented pilot I know—

He swings his assault rifle back, opting for the Glock 19 at his side, Santi’s words ringing through his ears.

—and he’s grounded on a bullshit coke rap.

His boots fall heavy through the mansion, he doesn’t give a shit about stealth. Threw every care in the world out the door the moment Tom started digging for more. What they had was more than enough but he could never just have enough. Had to push for more. Every fucking time.

Another lap. Another sweep. Another round.

But he never missed a hard out, Benny was right about that.

Bullshit coke rap. Every misstep Frankie made, every struggle he faced, was just a bullshit mark on a hardened warrior. That’s all they ever saw him as, Tom and Santi. All remorse drained from his soul in the name of God and country.

Frankie squeezes the trigger, eyes lighting up in the muzzle flash. If he was going to take their lives, he was going to see it drain from their faces.

If he was inflicting this horror on his mind again, making Leah puzzle his shit back together again, he was going to earn it.

The gun hangs heavy in his hand as he steps over the bound and gagged body, following the sound of the rain.

"Fish, where are you?” Tom’s voice scratches at the edge of his skull. His nickname is a stark reminder that there is a separation between man and monster and he can find it again.

He’s shaking as he reaches for the button on his collar, “I'm exiting back out to the courtyard.”

She was right, telling him to stop making promises. He said no live fire and he couldn’t even keep that to himself. —————

“Is he right?” She’s quiet as Frankie lifts their daughter from her aching arms, “Is this what you need?”

“Yeah,” it comes out quiet, leveling up to the bouncing he’s now taken over to keep the baby asleep, “I think it is.”

“Why?” It’s not accusatory, she genuinely wants to know.

“I—“ he stops to think, he doesn’t want his words to come out selfish but he knows that’s how they’ll land. “Baby, I know I brought all of this down on myself and I know that I’ve survived it once before but…”

He trails off, his large hand is splayed across Luna’s back to support her as he resettles her in his arms. A small sound of contentedness escapes her and he can’t believe he’s missed this for the last six weeks. Spent months on end higher than any fucking plane he flew just because he was afraid of failing her. He chokes on the lump building in his throat because he already has.

“But what, baby?”

“I fucked up,” he takes a deep breath to steady himself, “this has been the hardest year of my life, the last six weeks especially.”

Bad landing.

She takes a breath, a tiny spark in her eyes but he’s already in front of her, “Mi alma, let me finish. Please.”

She nods, agreeing to his appeal.

"Before, the only thing I had to lose was my license. Now, the license was just the tip of the pyramid. This shit could’ve cost me my life. In more ways than one. I know what they cut the drugs with now and my nightmares are no longer about what I did in the service, Leah. Will and Benny hold me down screaming in the middle of the night as I imagine I’ve left this shit out for you or Luna to find.”

He laughs at the love and concern in her eyes, not feeling he deserves it but he forges on anyway, “I snorted our finances into desolation. We can’t live on a teacher’s salary alone, baby, you know that. How far behind is the car payment?”

“Just a month now,” she whispers, “my sisters helped us catch up.”

“And you hate that! You’re too prideful to ask for help, too full of protection for me. This will set us back on the right track.”

She’s standing now, arms crossed to anchor her own sobs from escaping, “Frankie, we can survive until your drug test—“

“No,” he’s shaking his head, “it’s still another six weeks away.”

“You don’t have to do this, baby, I know you don’t want to.”

"I cannot let you struggle like this,” he’s shifting Luna again, her tiny fists balled into his shirt and he is devastated with his love for her, “I am supposed to provide for and protect this family. It was in my vows and I broke those.”

“For richer or poorer was also in the fucking vows, Francisco.”

He swallows hard, reaching out and pulling her into him. He can’t bear to see her face when he speaks again, his voice low with the confidence of a settled mind.

“I am going to Colombia." —————

He feels the stone falling from beneath him as he loses the mule to the mountainside, last in line of the five.

He should’ve done more. Held on tighter, walked faster. But as Santiago saw an animal and Tom saw money, he could only see himself falling over.

He lost count of the days he hadn’t called. Two? Three? Hadn’t heard her voice or the baby’s babbling as she responds to daddy. He saw himself at the bottom of that mountain. Never enunciating each syllable of Pa-pa for his little girl ever again, convincing himself that he would be her first word. Never pulling Leah into his arms, the scent of coconut and vanilla so profoundly intoxicating that all he could think about was sinking deep into her. All the comfort and clarity the world had to offer found in her arms and between her legs.

She insisted on the nicest sheets they could find and instead of falling into them, he only felt jagged rock at his back.

TAGLIST: @justanotherblonde23 | @greeneyedblondie44 | @icanbeyourjedi | @notcookiebelle | @princess76179​ | @bbuckysbeardd​ | @knivesareout​

[pascalscenarios]

THE ONE (Frankie Morales x Reader)

THE ONE

Frankie Morales x Reader  

Summary: You wake up at Frankie’s house. You spend the day with him, only for things to be finally revealed.

Warning: Swearing 

Words: 4552

Authors Note: Whew... You guys aren’t ready for this one...Ahhh!!! Also I just want to say thank you so much for reading my fic. It means so much to me! Enjoy - k 

CH 1 | CH 2 | CH 3 | CH 4 | CH 5

Chapter 5

The sunlight peeked through the window, shining down on the bed. Your hair was a mess, sprawled out and disheveled as your head rested against pillows. A white comforter covered your body. You slowly open your eyes to an unfamiliar bedroom. You should have felt scared or panicked when waking up in a stranger's bed, but you felt safe.

You could smell him on the sheets, it was Frankie's bed. You were at Frankie's house.

You laid there trying to remember the events from last night. You were partying with your friends in the club and somehow you ended up with Frankie? Your memories were blurred, only remembering bits and pieces.

You sit up in the bed, your head pounding. Looking down you noticed you were wearing an oversized grey shirt and sweatpants. These definitely weren’t the clothes you wore last night.

You look over to the nightstand to find two Advils and a tall glass of water. You pull the covers off from your body, tossing your legs off the side of the bed. You pop the pills in your mouth and chug down the water.

With the glass in your hand, you get up and walk over and open the bedroom door. The door led to a hallway with multiple other doors. Towards the end of the hall was a large opening, you assumed it was the living room because you heard that the tv was on.

Your feet padded against the wooden floors as you made your way to the living room. The local news was playing on the tv.

“Looks like sleeping beauty decided to wake.”

You gasped. Startled, you turn around to find Frankie leaning against the kitchen counter with a coffee mug in his hand.

“H-hi” you stuttered out.

“Good morning.”

Awkwardness and silence filled the air like usual.

You slowly walk into the kitchen, passing him to get to the sink. You set the glass down in the stainless steel tub and turn to face him. He was staring at you while sipping his coffee, waiting for you to say something.

You stared down at your fingers as you fiddled with them. “Frankie..”

You swear he could read your mind because he started explaining everything that happened last night. He knew you were most likely confused as to why you were at his house.

“You called me last night drunk.” He says placing his coffee mug down on the counter. “You were lost and didn’t know where you were. I’m pretty sure you meant to call Alex, but somehow you called me? I came to pick you up, took you to eat at Dolly's. I was going to take you home, but I don’t know where you live and you were sleeping, so I brought you back to my place.” He explains running his hands through his moppy curls.

“I gave you clothes for you to change into, you took a shower, and slept in my bed. I took the couch.” He motions his head in the direction of the living room.

You look over, seeing a pillow and blanket bunched up on the couch.

“You know I would never-”

“I know, Frankie.” You tell him softly. “I trust you. I always have.” Your heart wrenched. The fact he drove all the way into the city in the early hours of the morning and took care of you meant a lot to you. It was proof that despite what happened between you two, he would always be there for you.

“So… “ He says trying to change the subject. “How’d you get my number?”

God this was going to be embarrassing.

Your face started to turn red as you spoke “Santiago gave it to me. I told him once a couple of years ago I wanted to call you. I’ve tried many times to press call under your name, but I always got scared and chickened out.” you confessed.

“Funny, I did the same thing too, asking him for your number, but never calling.” He chuckled, folding his arms against his chest.

“Huh...you know for the past 10 years I thought you’d never think of me again after that night.” You say you continued to fiddle with your fingers.

“I thought about you every day since then, Smiles. You were always on my mind...you still are.”

You glance up at him. Your heart was beating against your chest at his statement.

You both make eye contact. God, those gorgeous brown eyes that always made you melt. You were a sucker for his eyes, they were captivating. You could always read him from the look in his eyes. His eyes were sorrowful, but also longing.

You quickly divert your eyes breaking you from the trance you were in. What are you doing?! You’re going to get married! You can’t be thinking so deeply about someone else, let alone someone being your ex-boyfriend. Snap out of it!

“So why are your plans for the day?” Making conversation and acting like you guys didn’t have a moment just then. You walked past him and went to go sit on his couch.

“Uh, I don’t know.” He says trailing off, following you, plopping himself down on the opposite side of the couch, giving you some space.

“I was gonna drop you off at home whenever you are ready then go fishing out on the lake for a bit” he picks up the remote and starts flipping through the channels. He stops when he notices Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope is airing on tv.

You didn’t want to go home just yet. A few weeks ago you were dead set on avoiding Frankie, but something changed. You wanted to be in his company and spend time with him, at least for today.

“Can I go with you?” you asked.

“Go with me?” He sounded confused.

“Yeah...I mean like spend the day with you...go fishing?”

“You’re hungover and want to go fishing...with me…?” He raised an eyebrow at you.

“Um...yeah?”

“Don’t you wanna go home?”

“I mean if you want me to leave I can-”

“No!” he said a little too quickly. He clears his throat. “No, you can stay as long as you want, it's just” he stops. “Several weeks ago you were pretty clear you wanted nothing to do with me. You said things between us weren’t fine, we weren’t on friendly terms, and for me to stop wedging my way into your life.”

“I mean it’s a little too late for that now, you managed to crack your way in.” You sighed.

“Have I?”

“You were always a constant in my life until you weren't. You were the closest person to me besides Santiago. So naturally for me, as much as I want to push you away, I’m also drawn to you... You’re familiar. Since you came back into my life, you’ve been on my mind a lot lately..” you opened up to him.

“What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t know... That I’ve missed you, despite everything. Think it would be therapeutic for us to talk and hang out for a day.”

Frankie stayed silent.

“Okay,” he nods, giving you a small smile.

…

You were getting ready to leave with Frankie. You didn’t have anything else to wear, so you decided to just continue wearing his shirt and sweats. It was that or the outfit you wore last night. You patiently waited for Frankie in the living room as he gathered things he needed. You walked over to the front door, grabbing your bag that sat on the small. You reached into your bag pulling your phone out.

Your phone had TONS of text messages and missed calls from your friends and Alex. Your finger sliced against your phone screen noting the long list of notification banners. They had no idea what happened to you last night or where you were. They were worried, thinking the worst possible things that could have happened to you.

You opened your phone, pressing the call icon. Looking at your call log, you noticed you did call Frankie last night. Shaking your head, you clicked contacts, and pressed on Alex’s name. You pressed the phone against your ear.

The call picked up

“Alex-”

“THANK GOD! Where are you?! Are you okay?! The girls were looking for you all night, I was so close to calling the cops! I thought something terrible happened to you!” Alex was worried.

“I’m sorry, I got lost, but I’m fine,” you reassured them.

“Let me come get you, where-”

“Actually, I’m not coming home yet…”

“What? Why? What's wrong?” Alex asked, he thought you were being suspicious.

“I just need time alone…” You lied. I mean you did want to be alone... but with Frankie.

“Time alone? What I’m confu-”

“Alex, I promise you fine. I’m safe….I just need to be alone right now. I’ll explain everything later. I love you. I gotta go”

“Wait-”

You quickly hang up the phone and put your phone back in the bag.

You put your phone back in the bag. You didn’t want to tell him what happened over the phone. It was better to tell him everything in person. You’re debating if you wanted to tell him you were hanging out with Frankie. What he doesn’t know wouldn’t kill the right?

You decided to walk around the room, looking at the various knick-knacks and miscellaneous items Frankie had displayed on his shelves. There were photos of Frankie with his friends and family members, people you recognized. A framed photo caught your eyes. It was a child's painting, with various bright colors brushed on the sheet. In the middle was a handprint of a small child, and one of a grown person.

You continue to walk around the room when you accidentally step on something. You lift your foot, noticing a sterling silver ring on the ground. It was a dainty ring of a crescent moon.

Girlfriend, you thought. You remember him talking to someone on the phone the night with Santiago. It had to be a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend and he brought you home while you were drunk? That’s not good. Yet again you are engaged and here you are spending time with your ex-boyfriend.

But nothing was gonna happen with Frankie. You both hand significant others. You guys were friends… Well sorta. You weren’t sure what to call this relationship.

“You ready?”

You look at him. He was wearing his hat, shirt, jeans, boots, and a backpack hanging off one shoulder. He was also wearing a fisher vest, which made you giggle slightly. Frankie was always a nature boy.

“Yeah.”

“What’s that?” He asks nothing you holding the ring in your hand

“Um, a ring. I found it on the carpet.” You say walking over and handing it to him.

He signs. “I swear she leaves everything everywhere...” he mumbles under his breath, but you couldn’t hear what he said because it was so quiet. He sets the ring on the coffee table.

“Alright let's go,” he says.

…

The lake was peaceful. The water slowly moved. Nothing but sounds of nature. It was calming and relaxing. You and Frankie sat in a small boat out in the middle of the lake. Frankie placed a worm to hook his fishing rod. He stood up, casting his line far out, then sat back down.

You sat there with a fishing rod in your hand patiently for something to bite.

“It’s nice today.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“You must love it out here. This is very you.” You chuckle slightly.

“I try to come when I can. They have a camping site, so I’ll come out on a weekend and camp sometimes.”

“Usually I’ll come here to think.”

“Think about what?”

He shrugged, reeling in his line slightly. “It depends. Sometimes I’ll come to think about stuff like what's going on in my life. Sometimes I’ll think about the past.”

Silence fell between the two of you.

“Hey, Frankie…”

“Yeah?”

“The questions I ask you today, can you be open and answer them honestly? I know that might be asking a lot but-”

“Okay…”

“Really?” You were a bit surprised. I mean he had been honest with you, but only really scratching the surface. You wanted to dig deeper.

“Only if you do the same.”

“Deal.” You smile. “ Did ever come out here to think about me?”

“Plenty of times, Smiles.”

“So, when did you get discharged from the military? I remember you telling Alex you fly cargo?”

“I got discharged a little while after I left. I got my pilot's license suspended for a bit. I managed to get it back and started piloting for a cargo company about 5 years ago.” He reeled him his line, then stood out to cast it again.

“Did you ever get that job you wanted, the one at the magazine company?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Good for you. I knew you could do it. I remember you being so nervous when you did your interview.”

You chuckle slightly at the memory. “Yeah, it was such a mess then, but apparently liked me. It’s a great job. It’s funny actually, Alex’s tech company is in the same building. Our mutual friend introduced us to each other. We were friends for a while, then started dating two years ago.”

You were curious about his girlfriend. He never mentioned her. I mean the phone call at Santiagos and the ring at his house, he had to have a girlfriend.

“How about you? How long have you and your girlfriend been together?”

“My what? Girlfriend? I don’t-”

“Woah!” You said as you jolted forward your hands gripping your fishing pole. You quickly stand up as the fish keeps tugging aggressively on the end line.

“Reel it in Smiles!”

You pull up on the rod as you quickly cranked the reel handle.

“Oh my gosh!” You laugh trying your hardest to reel in the fish.

“Come on, keep going you go!” Frankie cheered you on.

You reeled the last of your line. The fish flew out of the water as you helped the fishing rod up high.

“Alright Smiles!” Frankie laughed as he set his fishing rod into a holder, he stood up quickly and grabbed your line, holding the fish up. You had caught a Bass.

“This one's pretty big!” Frankie grabbed the fish from the bottom of its amount as he unhooked the fish from the line.

“You wanna hold it?” he extends the fish towards you.

“No way! I’m not touching that!” you say moving your body away.

“Come on smiles, you gotta hold a fish you caught!” He says bring the Bass closer to you.

“Frankie! No! Stop!” you protested as you turned away.

“Give your hands,” he says holding his hand out.

“Frankie...”

“Come on, it’s just a fish.”

You sigh holding your hands out. Frankie placed the Bass in your hands. You slightly squeeze its body, making sure you have a grip on the fish. The was Bass was cold, the scales poked the palms of your hands slightly, and it felt slimy.

“See, not so bad!”

The fish began to move, wiggling back and forth in your hand. You let out a yelp, letting out a shriek as you quickly give it back to Frankie.

Frankie busts out laughing as he takes it from your hands.

“That’s not funny!” You shove him as you laughed slightly.

“Stop being such a wimp! It’s just a fish!” He chuckles.

“I told you I didn’t want to hold it!”

“How about you give it a kiss then?” He moves it towards you.

“Stop it! Frankie!”

“It wants a kiss, Smiles, do leave it hanging!” as he tries to get the fish as close to your face as possible.

“Give me a smooch!” he animates his voice, pretending the fish is talking to you.

“NO! Frankie Stop!” You shriek. Frankie gets closer to you, shoving the fish in the face. You reacted by pushing him, Frankie lost his balance and ended up falling over the side of the boat into the lake.

You gasp, your hands flying over your mouth. You kneel on the bench, leaning over the side of the boat.

Frankie’s head pops up out of the water, his Standard Oil Heating hat on his head.

“Frankie are you alright?!”

He takes of his hat, tossing it the boat. He shakes his head, getting so water out and hair out of his eyes, then takes his hands slicking his hair back so he could see.

“Yeah I’m fine, I wasn't expecting to go for a swim though” he laughs as he treads water.

“Here let me help you up” you extend out your hand for him to grab. He takes your hand but you immediately regret it after seeing the mischievous look on his face. You let out a yelp as Frankie yanked you in, flipping over the side of the boat into the water.

Your body hit the water, you come up with the bubbles gasping for air. Frankie is laughing as he treads beside you.

“Now we’re even!”

‘You punk! You did that on purpose! Meanwhile, I accidentally shoved you in!” you slick your hair back out of your face. You splash water in his face.

“Two can play at that game!” he splashes you back.

You swim over to him, placing your hands on his shoulder, then pushing down on him, submerging you both underwater.

Underwater, he grabs a hold of your waist pulling your body close to his. Coming back up you're both laughing, his arms wrap around your body, as your arms wrapped around his neck.

Your guys’ laughs subside as you stare at each other. You take your hand moving a piece of Frankie's hair, out of his face and swipe it to the side. Your heart was beating fast, as you both started to lean in for a kiss. Your nose touches, but you learn your head down, pulling always from him. Swimming back to distance yourself from him.

“I-I think you should take me home now…please...” you whispered.

“Okay…” was all he said. You two swam towards the boat. Frankie got back up first, then helped. He turned on the boat and stirred back to the dock.

…

You both were dripping wet, but Frankie managed to pack extra clothes. You changed behind some bushes into a very large and long shirt that went past your knee. Frankie changed into a plain t-shirt and jeans.

After changing in new clothes and packing things up, you guys headed on the road, Frankie driving you home.

It was silent in the car. Neither of you has anything to say. You had an ongoing battle raging inside of you. You couldn’t believe you almost kissed Frankie, but part of you wanted to. You were so confused about how you felt. You needed to go home and truly be alone to think things over.

“I’m sorry-” You both say at the same time.

You both sign.

“I shouldn’t have leaned in like that-”

“It wasn’t just you Frankie...It was me as well. I should have known better.”

“-Nothing happened.”

“But something almost did, Frankie.”

“So what is this? What are we?”

“We’re not anything Frankie”

“Bullshit and you know that! We may not be together anymore, but we’ve got history. We’re connected. Stop denying how you feel” he snaps at you.

“I don't feel anything, Frankie! You don’t know how I’m feeling! I’m getting MARRIED! MARRIED!” you reminded him.

You huffed, your arms crossed against your chest. You wanted to open but the car door and roll out. You both sat in silence for a good 20 minutes, only speaking when you were giving him directions to how to get to your house you were almost home. You both had cooled off from the argument, but the tension was still high in the air.

As you sat in the passage side of the truck, you noticed something. “Who’s this?” You asked, staring at a polaroid picture that was tapped on his dashboard. You only noticed the photo until now.

Frankie closed his eyes for a split second and deeply sighed. He thought about what you said earlier ‘The questions I ask you today, can you be open and answer them honestly’. He made a deal with you, he had to keep his word. He had to come clean and make things right with you.

You peel the photo off the dash to examine it better. The photo was of a young teenage girl laughing as she smiled. She was outdoors sitting on a log in front of a campfire. Her hands wrapped around a stick with a marshmallow at the end. Behind her, there was a tent pitched up, woods, a lake, and an orange sunset sky that made up the rest of the backdrop.

“That’s my daughter.”

You stopped fidgeting with the photo. You quickly turn your gaze towards him. He didn’t look at you, he stared at the road ahead, his hands placed at the bottom of the steering wheel. You examined the photo some more. This girl had Frankie written all over her. The girl wore his Standard Heating Oil hat and the way her eyes squinted as she laughed was exactly like Frankie.

He didn’t have to tell you because you knew. It clicked. This was it. The answer you’ve been dying to know for years. She was the reason why he left you. Your eyes began to well up with tears. So many thoughts were circling in your head. You were rendered speechless. You had so much you wanted to say but didn’t know where to start. You didn’t know how to feel. You felt overwhelmed.

You kept your eyes on the photo.

“2005, our first break up. When the long-distance wasn’t working when I was stationed halfway across the country.” He began to say. He paused for a moment. “I dated someone for a few months after we broke up, but it didn’t work out with them. A little while after, we got back together. I had no idea she was pregnant. She didn’t tell me. I didn’t find out until she passed away in an accident. I was contacted, they told me I had a 5-year-old daughter and if I wanted to care for her I needed to do a whole bunch of legal stuff to gain sole custody. If I didn't, she would have gone into the foster care system. The night I left you, that’s where I went. I drove across the country to get her.”

You stuck the photo back on the dashboard, then turned to look out the window, watching the tree fly by as he drove down the highway.

“What’s her name?” you asked.

“Lilah...She’s fifteen.”

It was silent in the truck. Frankie said nothing more letting you take in everything.

You sat there thinking about what he told you. You put yourself in his shoes, imagining if you were in his situation at the time.

“I’m not even mad.” You admitted.

“Y-you’re not?”

“I’m more hurt than I am mad, Frankie.” Tears rolled down your face. “I don’t blame you for what you did. You have a daughter and that was your priority. It was important for you to get to know her, take care of her and be her dad.” Your lips began to tremble more tears spilled from your eyes. “I’m just hurt at the fact you didn’t think you could tell me. God, Frankie you should have told me!”

“I was scared! I-I was so scared to tell you! I didn’t know what you were going to think or say! I was afraid you would’ve wanted nothing to do with me after you found out I had a kid with someone else! O-or what if you didn’t want to raise her with me?! It was easier for me to leave you before you did it to me!”

“Frankie, you think I’m THAT terrible of a person? Do you really think I would have walked out on you if you told me? I told you that night, whatever it was, I would have worked it out with you! You had a daughter for crying out loud! Yes, I admit I would have been taken back and shocked, but I would have supported you! I would have raised her and loved her my very own. There's no way I would have turned her away, she half you of you, Frankie.”

“If-If I could go back a-and change things that happened between us, how I ended things-” his voice was shaking, stuttering as he spoke.

“But you can’t Frankie! You can’t change the past! What you did was done, and you’re going to have to live with that! You’re going to have to face the fact I’m getting married! What happened, happened, We just have to let it go...We both have to move on and let each other go”

By the time you said that Frankie pulled up in your driveway, parking his truck. You quickly grab your bag and hop out, closing the door.

“Smiles!” He yelled after you, getting out of his truck, and shutting the door.

You were walking up the walkway when he grabbed your arm. “Smiles-”

“DON’T touch me!” You snapped at him.

“We’re not done talking!”

“There’s nothing to talk about! Leave! Just get out of here!” you cried. You were feeling so many different emotions, you were confused about how you felt, you just wanted him to go so you could be alone. You turn away, walking to your door.

“I love you!” he shouted

Your eyes widen, whipping around quickly. “NO! You don’t get to say that! Not now! What do you want me to say? What the fuck do you expect me to say?! That I love you back?! I can’t! I can’t say that!”

“You can’t or you won’t?! I know deep down in there you love me. I know you do, but you’re afraid to admit it! Too damn scared to admit that you still have feelings for me!

“FRANCISCO MORALES LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND GO HOME!”

Alex came rushing out of the house, hearing you yell. He looked at the both of you. You were a crying mess, your hair damps and wearing a T-shirt. Frankie stood there with a pained and angry look on his face.

“What the hell is going on?” Alex had a million questions running through their head but quickly rushed towards you, putting themselves between you and Frankie.

“Baby you alright? You okay?” he asked, cupping your head in their hands.

“Smiles-” Frankie starts walking towards you.

“You need to fucking leave.” Alex turns around, protectively standing in front of you.

Frankie stands there staring at you. Your lips tremble as you avoid his gaze.

“Just go Frankie…” you whispered.

And just like that, he left. Frankie got back in his truck and drove away.

You started to break down, hysterical crying in front of your house. Your chest felt tight as you sobbed. Alex took you into their arms, comforting you.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.” He says rubbing your back. “Let’s go inside.”

tag // @icanbeyourjedi @im-an-adult-ish

[tobiosmilktea]

can i get some GOOD headcanons on kageyama, kuroo, oikawa, and terushima drunkingly confessing time there best friend? similar to how tsukki did it in the number neighbors au 🥰🥰🥰

drunk confessions w/ kageyama, kuroo, oikawa, and terushima

— k. tobio

OK HEAR ME OUT

kags is the type to be hella emotional when he’s drunk, like full on sobbing or just being moody for no reason

it’s definitely not that bad at first, i would think he could handle his alcohol pretty well but once he get a couple shots in THAT’S when moody kags come in

with you being the designated sober for the group, you had to not drink ofc

out of everyone else in the group he’s one of the more difficult ones

near the end of the might where you had to take everyone home, you literally had to force a sobbing kageyama into the uber

“wHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DAMN CUTE FOR?”

homie would be choking in between sobs as you literally apologize to the driver

ngl it’s kinda hilarious

drunk kags = simp kags

“y/n ur so pwetty 🥺👉🏻👈🏻”

like DEADASS HES AN ENTIRELY NEW PERSON

but if he isn’t showering you with compliments, he would be crying into your shoulder about how stressed he has been bc of volleyball

“coach said my sets are getting weird 😔😔”

and then you would sit there awkwardly laughing as you tried your best comforting him

you would run your hands through his hair and he’s literally about to self combust from the contact

by the time your uber arrives to his apartment, trying to pull him out of the car is harder than pushing him into it

his six foot one ass really be making it harder than it should be

once you do finally get him out of the car, he’s completely slumped over you and you try your best to lead him back to his place

his muscular arms strategically placed around and over your shoulders as his feet basically drag on the ground

“y/n~ where are we going?”

“back to your apartment, tobio.”

this is the part where he groans and immediately starts resisting

the thing is it doesnt last long considering he’s completely fucking drained, if anything the moment you past by the threshold into his apartment he was already halfway unconscious

your muscles strained guiding him to his bedroom to which your literally just plop him onto his bed

you sigh to yourself as you felt immediate relief on your body

after a beat or two passed to regain some strength and energy, you tug on kag’s body again to make him properly lay on the bed rather than being at the cusp of falling off

“you’re so fucking heavy, tobio.” you pull his bedsheets over him, “also don’t get out of bed or else i’ll kick you.”

honestly he looked so cute as he was in the process of passing out

“y/n?” he called out before you could leave his side

“hm?”

it was then his right hand would find yours and pull it close to him, mumbling: “you treat me so well, y/n... no wonder why i’ve been in love with you since high school.”

perhaps you ended up not leaving his side that night

— k. tetsurou

homie won’t leave you alone while you guys are out drinking

HES VERY PROTECTIVE

he literally refuses to leave your side as both of you were drinking

i would say kuroo has a pretty strong alcohol tolerance but ngl yours is stronger fr

this obviously led to kuroo getting completely shitfaced at a much quicker pace than you and when he’s drunk, it’s obvious

like REALLY obvious

he’s most definitely a giggly drunk

he probably laughs at every little thing with that obnoxious hyena laugh you love to hear so much

if there was ever a moment you two did split up, you would immediately know where he was the moment his loud ass laughs literally thundered throughout the entire bar

“excuse me, have you seen my friend? he’s tall, has black hair that look’s like a chicken’s—”

*CUE LOUDASS HYENA LAUGH FROM ACROSS THE BAR*

“oop- nevermind”

you were literally on your way to fetch him as it was getting super late and the both of you needed to go home when you saw him stumbling farther away from you

“kuroo! where the hell are you going?” you would shout over the loud conversating crowds and music

he ultimately didn’t hear you as he continued walking towards the bar

you grumbled as your eyes stay locked on his large figure to which he starts climbing a bar stool

“oh my fucking god—kuroo!!”

this dude literally CLIMBS ONTO THE BAR

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!” he yells over the large crowd, everyone’s attention is on him and you were immediately struck with second-hand embarrassment

“MAY I HAVE YOU ATTENTION PLEASE! I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I AM LITERALY HEAD OVER HEELS FOR MY FRIEND Y/N!!”

when i tell you were wanted to drop dead then and there

your eyes widened in shock, your mouth parted, and you stood there completely paralyzed as kuroo points you out in the crowd

everyone surounding you turn towards your figure and your cheeks immediately flushed a bright red and your heart suddenly beating a thousand beats per minute

“IVE LIKED YOU FOR AGES.” kuroo continues, “AND I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU FELT THE SAME”

silence filled the club like a wet blanket as you nervously chuckle

this was so awkward like it’s not even funny

“well?” a random guy from across the bar shouted

you purse your lips, “if i say yes, would you get off the bar and take me out on a real date?”

the biggest smile melted upon kuroo’s lips as he laughs

he jumps off the bar and practically cuts through the crowd just to pull you into the tightest hug you’ve ever received

“god, you’re so drunk.”

“it was my only way of getting myself to finally say it.”

— o. tooru

if you think this boy has attitude when he’s sober just wait until he’s drunk

like literally he’s so mfing sassy and for what reason ??

i dont even think this boy drinks that much let alone has a high tolerance of alcohol

oikawa’s a lightweight (i said what i said 😤)

literally if he downs anything more than three shots, he’s a literal goner

not to mention HES ABSOLUTELY WILD

drunk oikawa — the wild, sassy one

i’d say he’s pretty loud, but def not as loud or confident enough like kuroo to stand on a mfing bar and confess his love

nah, if anything, oikawa’s more rowdy when it’s a party at someone else’s house

he knows to keep himself in check if he’s drinking in public (like he knows from experience and almost got arrested one time for public indecency but it izz what it izz)

so he practically learned to control himself, but if it’s a house party ??

GIRL, YOU GOT A WHOLE STORM COMIN

knowing that it’s at a friend’s house, especially if it’s your house, he’s letting himself get completely loose

he knows you’ll take care of him anyway

throughout the night he’s literally messing around with friends, maybe a game of beer pong would usually get him drunk

put once the party’s over, he would usually be the last one to leave as he was left on your couch passed out

you didn’t even notice he was there until he started snoring

you couldn’t help but laugh at his adorable unconscious state, it was almost as if you wanted to leave him be, but you knew he had to get back home

so you stroll towards his slumped figure on the couch and kneeled on the ground

his cheek was pressed up again one of the cushions and he was dribbling a bit of saliva but you ultimately chose to ignore it

“oikawa,” you muttered as you rubbed his shoulder and shook it

he wouldn’t really respond for the first few times, but after repeating his name after a while, he would start to stir

he would groan and could barely open his eyes

half-lidded, a smile forms on his lips at the mere sight of you

“hey there gorgeous.” he slurrs through his teeth as he continued to stir

“c’mon, get up you gotta get up and go home. i called an uber for you.”

you tried helping him get up, but he just plops down again

“why can’t i stay wit you?”

“cause you don’t live here.”

“i would if we were together.”

your brows furrow in confusion, “what do you mean?”

“i always wanted to live with someone i really liked... and that’s you.” his words were almost incoherent how slurred they were through his drunkened state

“you like me?” you asked just to reassure what he mumbled was truly what you heard

he nods as you brush his tangled jungle of hair out of his face

there was a deep onset of crimson blush that appeared on your cheeks as he did so, your heart beat quickening it’s speed as you sighed in contrnt

“you act like i didn’t know this whole time. you’re quite obvious about your feelings, oikawa.”

— t. yuuji

you and terushima were club regulars

each weekend you were out with him club and bar hopping just for the fun of it

but lately, the more often you do things the more desensitized and bored you get of the same activities over and over again

you and terushima sat in both of your car ready to drive to downtown where all the clubs were when you both lazily sighed

“i’m not really in the mood for loud music and socializing.” you would confess, ready to perhaps hear terushima’s jests of you being a party pooper

but instead he sighs and agrees to your surprise as he’s typically the one dragging you to these places anyway

“same,” he mutters. “i think i’d just hangout with you tonight.”

there was a slight tone in his voice as he peaked at you that you couldnt exactly pinpoint as if you were waiting for the catch

“i still wanna drink though.” he added, there it was

“good call”

from then on you stopped by a convinient store where you and terushima buy the cheapest six pack of canned beer

in the end alcohol was alcohol and you both didnt care about the quality

this was the only case in which you had a lower tolerance than terushima as he could literally handle the strongest of liquors and still act sober

it’s kinda scary as sometimes you can never tell whether or not he’s actually drunk

but as he is a sober drunk, the only way you can tell that he’s absolutely blasted is that he becomes brutally honest with you

that brutal honesty sometimes comes with a childish offhanded joke that you would roll your eyes to

not to mention he sometimes becomes a bit of a perv too

“your ass looks better in the dress you wore last weekend” was one example

and because you both wanted some quiet for once on a late saturday night, you drove all the way to the park where it was quiet enough for you two to relax

terushima had held your hand to help you walk up the steep hill to the top of the park in which oversees a great view of tokyo

with it’s pretty city lights shining upon you two, you and terushima settle yourselves on a bench and crack open your beers

you and him cheers as you two silently sipped at the alcohol

by the time both of you were in your third can of beer, it was obvious terushima was completely wasted

“not gonna lie,” oh here it comes, “your driving sucks.”

you couldn’t help but laugh at his honesty

a laugh that he likes so much, it sounded like heaven to his ears and he wanted to make you laugh again and again

“i mean, you’re the one whose making me drive you everywhere all the time.”

he scoffs, humming in response as his half-lidded eyes flickered towards you, admiring how the moonlight reflected upon your face as you breathed in the sky

“you’re so beautiful,” he practically whispers.

“hmm?” you turn towars him with you eyes coated in honey

god he was in deep

“i like you.”

it honestly shocked you at first as your eyes widened into saucers

it was straight and brutally honest confession

just how you like it

[the-galaxy-collector]

heart/beats

Pairing: Derek Hale x Stiles Stilinski

Word Count: 2.1K

Warning(s): fluff, sick stiles, derek hale is bad at feelings

Summary: Stiles gets sick while the gang is away. Derek comes back to check on him. 

A/N: I think as is becoming common for me in the Teen Wolf fandom, this just poured out of me with no prior warning and I regret nothing. 

Stiles stood up, or he tried, before his body forced him to sit back down on the edge of his bed. He’d been trying to work up both the strength and the courage to take a shower for the past thirty minutes, but he was still here. In the exact same position. Trying not to puke all over his pajamas. 

A very attractive look, if he did say so himself. 

He closed his eyes and willed the room to stop spinning, but he knew it was pointless. He’d been sick for the last two days and whatever the hell this shit was, it didn't seem to be going anywhere. 

Everyone was gone too, which made it worse. They were off saving the world from… something. He couldn’t remember now. Something way more important than Stiles, though. And he wasn’t bitter about it. He knew what they were doing was a big deal. It was just that right now he wanted chicken soup like his mom used to make and someone to tuck him back into bed. 

After a shower, he reminded himself. The shower was still a must. 

Stiles took a deep, steadying breath and forced himself up with shaky limbs. He held out his arms, forcing himself to remain balanced and upright, as he started to walk forward gingerly. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

He yelped as his eyes popped back open at the noise. He didn’t know he wasn’t alone, and his heart was racing uncomfortably as he clutched his chest now over it. 

“What the fuck am I doing?” He gulped. “What the fuck are you doing? Why are you here?”

“You’re sick,” Derek explained bluntly. 

“Yes, I am aware of that,” Stiles bit back. “Go. I’m fine.”

“You definitely are not. We need to go to the hospital, Stiles.”

“We need to go to the hospital, Stiles,” he mocked in a high-pitched voice. “You sound like that, you know.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t need to go to the hospital, Derek. You guys are off, ya know, saving the world or whatever. And I’ll be fine. Just go help them.”

“They don’t need my help.”

“And neither do I,” Stiles insisted. 

“Why are you like this?” he said, a smile in his voice. “You make me crazy. You know that, right?”

“No,” he replied sarcastically. “Really?”

When he went to roll his eyes at Derek’s stubborn nature, like he’d done a million and a half times, his head pulsed suddenly with a headache so severe it caused him to fall to his knees. Derek was by his side within seconds, his hands on either side of his face as he forced Stiles to look at him. 

He pulled back his eyelids one at a time, and whatever he saw there made him hoist Stiles off the floor without a word, and carry him from the room. Stiles wanted to put up a fight, tell Derek to put him down, that he was going to be fine. It was just the flu or something non-lethal to teenagers, but pressed up against Derek’s chest like this was warm and comfortable and he found it very difficult to hold other thoughts in his brain right now. 

Derek took him straight outside and propped him up in the front seat of his own car before buckling him in and rushing around to the driver’s side. He knew how much Derek hated the Jeep, which meant that he either was doing it for Stiles’ sake or because he had run all the way here without his own car because it wasn’t fast enough. Stiles wasn’t sure which one was sweeter. 

“Stiles, I swear to God,” Derek growled, “if you die, I’m gonna kill you.”

Stiles snorted his laughter despite the pounding in his head, currently radiating out from behind his left eye. 

“When’s the last time you ate?” Derek asked softly. 

Too softly. Like he was actually worried. Which stressed out Stiles more than he thought it would. Or should. 

Stiles shrugged his answer, and even that tiny movement sent a jolt of pain down his spine. But he wasn’t lying. He honestly couldn’t remember when he had put food in his mouth last, which was probably not great. 

Derek growled again, and while it was affecting Stiles like it always did, the dull ache covering his entire body pushed any stupid, horny thoughts out of his brain. 

At least for now. 

He knew they’d be back, especially if Derek was going to stick around. Stiles sort of hated that. Especially since Derek could tell. Hiding things from werewolves, as he’d learned, was not possible. It wasn’t awkward at all. 

Yep, he definitely hated that. 

Derek continued to slam his foot and the gas pedal all the way to the floorboard as he drove, but it didn’t do any good. It never did. The Jeep was ancient, one of the things Stiles loved about it, and it wasn’t ever going to go faster than this. But Derek was wonderfully impatient, often with Stiles, or things that involved  Stiles. 

Another endearing quality that would normally make his heart all aflutter. But right now, he was in too much pain. 

The sunlight streaming in was making his head hurt worse, though, so he laid it down on the console in between him and Derek and tried not to focus on the fact that the traditionally very grumpy man was rubbing Stiles’ leg absentmindedly as he made his way through the streets of Beacon Hills. 

Derek had never been one to touch anyone for any reason, so clearly Stiles was dying. Or Derek thought he was. He couldn’t think of any other reason why he might be doing that, but again, he had no strength left to even ask.

Stiles didn’t think he was ready for the answer. Or, more appropriately, he knew he wasn’t ready for the brush off. 

Stiles half expected Derek to pull straight into the emergency room bay where only the ambulances are supposed to go with the way he was acting, but he found a normal spot. And just like when they got into the car, he rushed around and helped Stiles out. Like being away from Stiles for even the shortest amount of time was too much for Derek to handle. Yeah, Stiles was dying and Derek felt bad for him. There were no other explanations.

He even tried to carry him bridal style again, but Stiles managed to put his foot down. 

Well, not literally. But he made it clear that wasn’t happening in front of all these people. 

He had some dignity left.

The harsh fluorescents assaulted his eyes worse than the sunlight, and he found, once again, that he needed to slam his eyes shut to keep from hurling all over himself. And Derek. 

“Oh my God,” Melissa asked from somewhere nearby. “What happened?”

“Well, my idiot has been sick for the last two days and he didn’t call anyone and now I’m afraid he’s dehydrated and about to pass out.”

Melissa giggled at Derek’s assessment as she ushered them back to what Stiles was sure was a room, but all he could concentrate on was the fact that Derek had said my idiot. My idiot. Like Stiles belonged to him. 

Not that Stiles would complain if that were true. 

Derek put him down on the bed as soon as the door shut behind them and dimmed the lights, allowing Stiles to open his eyes again. Melissa was already rushing around getting things set up as Derek forced him to lay down. He hadn’t even stopped to put shoes on, so when he pulled the covers up to Stiles’ chin, he couldn’t really protest. 

Too much anyway. 

“Derek, stop,” he said, pushing his hands away. “I’m not an invalid.”

Derek rolled his eyes and sat down in a chair, pulling it up as close to the side of Stiles’ bed as he could get without actually being in the bed. 

“All right, Stiles. You ready?”

He nodded as he felt the coolness from an alcohol prep pad next and then hissed loudly as the IV slid into his arm. No matter how many times he’d been forced to do this, it didn’t get easier. And it should be by now, he reasoned, since hanging out with werewolves had some disadvantages. Not many, but some. If you were unlucky enough to be the only human anyway. 

Stiles didn’t miss the way that Derek flinched a little at his pain, though, causing his eyebrows to pull in the middle. He was getting more confused, and more concerned, by the second. 

Something was definitely going on. 

“Honey, I’m gonna take some blood, give you some fluids, and bring some food. Do you think you can eat?”

Stiles shrugged again, swallowing hard as his mouth filled with saliva. The thought of eating anything made his stomach do a flip, which probably wasn’t a good sign, but he could try. He certainly knew he should try. 

“I can give you something to help you sleep, if you wanna do that instead, but we’re gonna have to wake you up in, like, an hour to try to get something in your stomach. Or I’m gonna have to feed you some Ensure.”

Stiles wrinkled his nose. “Like they give old people?”

Melissa nodded. “No. Just knock me out and then wake me up later. I promise I’ll try. But do not give me that shi… stuff.”

It didn’t matter how old he got, cussing in front of Melissa always felt wrong somehow. She just laughed quietly, though, and shook her head as she finished hooking him up to everything, forcing Derek to move only when it was absolutely necessary. 

A couple minutes after she pushed something directly into his line, he started to feel sleepy. Like actually sleepy. Not this fitful mess he’d been enjoying for over 48 hours. 

And he let his eyes close without a word. 

He couldn’t be sure if it had been a few minutes or hours, but when he started to wake back up, he heard Derek’s soft voice beside him. He sounded like he might be talking to someone, but since Stiles’ eyelids were still way too heavy to open, he just listened. 

As the grogginess slowly lifted, he noticed Derek was holding his hand. Actually holding his hand. In both of his. His head and, more importantly, his lips were resting next to Stiles’ skin. He could feel Derek’s breath.  

Wait, am I dead? 

“Does he know yet?” Melissa whispered. 

“No,” Derek said, just as quiet. 

“When are you gonna tell him?”

“Well, I came back to do that and he was about to pass out. I got distracted,” he explained, exasperation taking over momentarily. “But I guess I knew something was wrong.” 

“Of course you did,” Melissa insisted. “He’s your mate.” 

Mate?! 

Okay, Stiles was definitely dead. Or dreaming. Hopefully dreaming. At least that way he could still wake up. 

Melissa didn’t wait for Derek to respond before she asked another question. “Talk to Noah yet?” 

“Yeah.”

Once again, Derek lapsed into silence. But it wasn’t long before Melissa got irritated with his lack of information on the topic. 

“And?” she huffed.

“He told me he’d kill me if I hurt him.”

She laughed again, still as softly as before. Stiles could hear her walk back to the door, enjoying her little private joke.

“Well, you’re safe,” she said, pausing at the threshold. “We both know you’re not capable of that.”

“Mhmm,” he answered. 

“Derek?”

“Yeah?” he asked, moving his head to the side.

And suddenly Stiles had a new thing he hated now. The way Derek sounded asking that one question. It was vulnerable, like Derek’s entire nervous system was on the outside. All exposed and raw. He wanted very much to get out of this bed and protect him, but that didn’t make any sense. Derek didn’t need to be protected. It was Derek. 

“You’re gonna be great,” Melissa declared. 

And then she left him with that, allowing the door to close behind her without waiting for him to argue. 

After a few seconds, Derek cleared his throat. “How, uh, much of that did you hear?”

Stiles forced himself to remain as still and quiet as possible, not even allowing his breathing to pick up. He would give Derek an out. 

“I can hear your heartbeat, Stiles,” Derek explained. “I know you’re awake.”

Stiles couldn’t help but smirk. It was his go-to response, sure, but it also seemed to fit the occasion. 

“Mate, huh?” 

Derek groaned loudly and Stiles opened his eyes slowly. “When did you plan on telling me, Sourwolf?”

[come join all the Teen Wolf fandom shenanigans over at the Beacon Hills Preserve Discord Server]

[jungshookz]

ok but like what if jungkook and y/n are at a hockey match and a kiss cam lands on them but they're both strangers

➺ pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

➺ genre: biRTHDAY-themed fluff that is so utterly sweet you will undoubtedly get like ten cavities after reading this; tae demolished a whole serving of cheesy fries and he’s not feeling so good mr stark; namjoon & y/n bond over the fact that they just don’t get hockey   

➺ wordcount: 4.6k

➺ note: happy birthday to the man that not only owns my heart but also my whOLE ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my goD i love him!!!!!!!!!!!! u ruin my life but also make it ten times better!!!!!!!!

(gif isn’t mine!)

                                      ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“remind me again why jimin couldn’t come with you instead?” you scowl when someone bumps into you from behind and you instinctively reach down to pull your purse to your front

…what??

you haven’t cashed in your latest paycheque and you don’t want anyone steaLing your hard-earned money

you stumble into tae’s back when someone knocks into you again

you would think that people would have the common decency to be a little more polite but no

this is so not your scene

plus you saw an army of ants feasting on the carcass of a cockroach in the washroom and you immediately hightailed it ouT of there

your bladder is just going to have to wait til you return to safety of your own toilet

tae told you he’d be happy to chug down a gallon of soda and give you the cup to pee in and you nearly considered it because that would probably be cleaner than the washrooms here

“because- yeah, two forks, please - because he had some dumb work thing that he couldn’t skip out on and i wasn’t going to waste my front row tickets!” tae scoffs as if it’s the most obvious answer in the world

well

that’s fair, you suppose

“you really couldn’t invite anybody else? i was your next choice?” you cling to the back of tae’s jersey because everyone keeps shoving into you and you feel like you’re going to be carriEd away by a hoard of sweaty hockey fans if you don’t hold on to something

you don’t mean to sound ungrateful because it is really nice of taehyung to have invited you to this apparently suPer big-deal of a hockey game (you’re pretty sure the fans here would rip each other apart to get their hands on a front row ticket) but like ?///???

you aren’t exactly a super enthusiastic sports person

sure, you’ll watch a couple matches if it’s on the tv while you’re cleaning up your apartment or if you just need some noise in the apartment but it’s not something that you actively seek out to watch

if anything you’re 100% more likely to watch spongebob squarepants over a sports game

you just don’t see the appeal of watching grown men (anD women! ur a feminist! girls are great!) gliding around on ice clickity-clacking a tiny puck here and there with wooden sticks while very aggressively shOving into each other at the same time  

also the names of the hockey teams are always so dumb

you could probably come up with a better hockey team name because all you have to do is pick an adjective and then pick an animal

the screaming giraffes

the wailing whales

the condescending toads

you would pay good money to watch a match between the screaming giraffes and the wailing whales

you’re not sure if the condescending toads would make a good name now that you think about it  

“aw, c’mon! it’s not like you had any other plans, anyways.” tae raises a brow at you and you immediately scoff

he has a good point.,.,., but stiLL

“i totally had plans!”

“ordering a party sized serving of chicken alfredo and garlic bread and watching netflix doesn’t count as plans.”

…okay anoTHer good point

the seats that you guys got are actually pretty good

you’re located right in the middle so you get an equal view of the goal on the right and the goal on the left

it’s not like you’re going to be paying attention to the game but still

very nice!

“can you believe we only had to pay $5 for all of this?” tae laughs lightly in disbelief as he rubs his hands together and looks down at the foot-long hot dog sitting on his lap

“…it should be concerning that we got all of this for $5.” you mutter under your breath and stare down at the plastic-looking cheese smothered over the fries

you told tae not to go overboard with the food but of course he didn’t listen to you which is why you guys are sharing a foot-long chilli cheese dog anD an extra large order of chilli cheese fries and a slurpee served in a literal bucket

usually you’d be down to inhale all of this but uh

you don’t want to sound snooty or anything but you saw one of the employees accidentally drop an entire bag of cheese into the pot before quickly fishing it out with their bare hands and you’re pretty sure that’s a health code violation

you mentioned it to tae and he said it wasn’t a big deal and- well, he’s already starting to scarf down the hot dog

side note

these fries are actually really good

you stab a few more of them with your fork before shovIng the biteful into your mouth and gently dabbing some cheese sauce off your chin with your napkin

just because you’re starving doesn’t mean all your manners are going to fly out the damn window

you didn’t eat breakfast this morning so this is a great first meal

“vou know what fhe beft part iv of sitting in the front?” tae asks through a faT mouthful of hot dog and you immediately wince in respond

men are disgusting

“what?” you reach over to wipe tae’s mouth with a napkin because both his hands are occupied by the almost offensively large hotdog

he swallows his bite before licking some chilli from the corner of his mouth

again

men are disgusting

“sometimes the hockey players get sLammed right up against the protective shield right in front of us.” tae gestures to the clear plastic panels separating the crowd from the rink “and if you’re really lucky, you get to see someone lose a tooth or something!”

you immediately make a face

“wha- how is that-“

“jungkook, over here! i found our seats!” you glance over for a second when someone quite literally scReams out loud for their friend

and then you’re turning to face tae again

“as i was saying,” you pause for a brief second when tae reaches over to take the fries from you, “how the hell is that the best part about sitting in the fr-“

you jump in surprise when what feels like a whole handful of popcorn suddenly scatters down on your head and onto your lap

oh coMe ON

you just washed your hair this morning!!!!!

the crumbs are going to look like you have veRy bad dandruff

also this is heavily buTTERED popcorn which means that the grease stains on your jeans are probably going to be there for the rest of your life

and these jeans were expeNSIVE

>:-(

this hockey game is not a very fun experience so far

“oh shit, sorry!”

“it’s all good, it’s all good…” you mutter as you flick a kernel of popcorn off your shoulder

yep

there’s a speck of grease on your sweater

greAt

“just be careful with that drink of yours because i-“ you look up to-

o-oh

OH

oh god

oh god the popcorn guy is cute

and not just cute

he’s like.,,. he’s suPER CUTE

round brown eyes

obscenely perfectly tousled black hair

he definitely looks to be around your age which is a big fat bonus

although that colour-block hoodie of his is making him look a lot younger you still think it’s safe to say he’s probably around your age

“sorry, miss… the plastic lids here are flimsy as hell and mine keeps popping off so you can’t blame me if i get you wet!” the guy flashes you a boyish smile and you feel your mouth go dry

oh dear lord

have mercy

“hey- you want extra chilli on your half of the hot dog?” you’re rudely poPped out of your little bubble when taehyung suddenly elbows your side

“wh- what? what?” you tear your eyes away from the handsome stranger who’s making himself comfortable in the seat right next to you before clearing your throat and looking over at tae

“extra chilli!” tae chirps and raises your half of the hot dog up a little

he already finished his half which isn’t a huge surprise

to be honest he was going to just go ahead and finish the hot dog but he figured it’d be nice to at least offer you a bite

“-i even asked for an extra little container of chopped up onions because i know you like-“

“no!” you blurt out and whack the container of onions out of tae’s hand causing it to smAck against the plastic divider before clattering to the ground

the two of you blink down at it

tae purses his lips before subtly kicking as much of it as possible under his seat

“i, um, i’m actually not that hungry. you can finish the hot dog.” you clear your throat again before unscrewing the lid of your bottle of water and taking a tentative, ladylike sip

“…what are you talking about? you were going to town on those cheesy fries like five seconds ago- oW-“

“jungkook, over here! i found our seats!” jungkook perks up when he sees namjoon waving him over

aH

there he is!

he was starting to get worried that namjoon wandered off somewhere or somehow locked himself in the supply closet or something

namjoon put him in charge of snack duty and he went aLL out

popcorn? check!

roasted peanuts? double check!

blue-flavoured slurpee? triple check!

he actually ended up getting two drinks because namjoon likes to bite the straw and jungkook doesn’t want to share a drink with a straw-biter

“here, i’ll take the peanuts and my drink-“ namjoon plucks the paper bag and the plastic cup cradled in jungkook’s arms before he steps aside to let him squeeze into the aisle

namjoon actually won these hockey game tickets from a raffle at work and jungkook almost exploded with joy when he invited him to come and watch it with him

it was actually pretty perfect timing because the game just so happened to land on jungkook’s birthday

namjoon gave jungkook the best birthday present and he didn’t even have to spend a dime

:’)

“s’cuse me, sorry-“ jungkook weasels his way in between the aisles and carefully steps over people’s legs as he makes his way to his seat exciTEdly

he’s never been to a live sports game before!!!

and he’s definitely never been in the froNt row of anything before!!!!

two birds with one fAt stone!

also he-

“oh shit, sorry!” he gasps when he accidentally tips his carton of popcorn a little bit causing it to land all over the stranger seated next to his spot

shiT

there goes half his popcorn

he’s not going to go back up to the concessionary stand to get more popcorn because the game is about to start and the line is probably still half a mile long

“it’s all good, it’s all good…” jungkook winces to himself and feels his cheeks heat up a little as he watches you brush the popcorn to the ground

yikes

he’s about to sit down when suddenly you speak up again “just be careful with that drink of yours because i-“

jungkook feels his heart skip a beat when you look up at him

oh wowie you’re pretty  

…he just spilt his greasy popcorn all over a very pretty girl

double yikes

it’s fine

just play it cool

he can play it cool

“sorry…” jungkook raises his cup a little “the plastic lids here are flimsy as hell and mine keeps popping off so you can’t blame me if i get you wet!”

he immediately pales as soon as that tumbles out of his mouth

wha-

what the HELL was that?!?!?!

out of all the things he could’ve said

his three and a half brain cells came up with thAT

you can’t blame me if i get you wet???????

you probably think he’s some kind of weird peRVERT now

luckily your boyfriend starts talking to y-

huh

you have a boyfriend

of course you have a boyfriend

jungkook lets out a little huff before plopping down on the plastic seat

whatever >:-(

namjoon leans over and glances into the popcorn bag before frowning

damnit

he just wanted some popcorn

:-(

“holy shiT, did you see that backhand????” tae practically screeches as he reaches over and slaps your arm aggressively “y/n, did you see it????”

“i saw- i sAW it, i saw it!” you scowl and smack his hands away from you

“oh my god, that was legEndary-“

you can barely hear tae’s enthusiastic blabbering because all you can hear is the sound of skates shrEdding up the ice and the sound of the puck being whacked back and forth and also cheers and whOops from all of these diehard fans

you honestly have no idea what the hell is going on right now

all you know is that the two teams are tied right now and everYone’s getting frustrated

you’re not sure which team you should be rooting for so you’re just basing it off of which uniform you like better

in other words, you’re cheering on the pUrpLe team!

also no one’s been smacked up against the plastic divider yet which is a huge relief because you’re not sure if you want to see anyone lose any teeth today

“will you cut it out?? your future girlfriend probably isn’t going to appreciate it if you’re practically beating her up-“

jungkook perks up immediately when he hears that come out of your mouth

aH

so that guy isn’t your boyfriend!

nice!!!!!

that means he still has a chance even though he dumped like a pound of popcorn on you and almost drenched you in his blue-flavoured slurpee

also he didn’t mean to eavesdrop

it’s just hard noT to eavesdrop when you’re sitting right next to him

he’s been paying attention to the game because duH but also he keeps thinking about how cute u look when you have a mouthful of french fries

also

now he knows that your name is y/n which is actually pretty fitting

you look like a y/n

it’s cute!

on an unrelated note

u smell rly nice but he can’t quite put his finger on what that particular scent is

jungkook’s nose twitches

hm

“what do you mean the game isn’t over yet??” you groan and plop yourself back down in the seat “there was an intermission like half an hour ago!!!”

“there are two intermissions, you whiney baby!”  tae scowls

you need to chill

you’re acting like watching a hockey game is equivalent to getting your teeth pulled out

you’re being a bABy

if he can sit through hours and houRS of your reality tv shows you can sit through one hockey game

“so…” namjoon pauses for a second “the game… isn’t over?”

“nope! there’s one more round.” jungkook chirps and shovels a handful of popcorn into his mouth

“oh.” namjoon slumps back in his seat a little

he thought the game was over

to be honest he was ready to leave before the first intermission but jungkook looked like he was having the time of his life so he decided to wait it out  

“so what are we supposed to do now?” namjoon furrows his brows “do they just expect us to wait and do nothing?”

“well, no, they’re doing that thing where-“ jungkook immediately chokes when he suddenly sees his face on the jumbotron

and unsurprisingly

your face is also on the jumbotron

“y/n-“

“hold on, i’m about to beat my high score-“ your tongue pokes out in concentration as you focus on your very intense session of tetris

“y/n-“ tae hisses and punches your arm

“ow!” you whine and rub your sore arm

tae’s been hitting you for the duration of the whole game and you’re pretty sure your arm is about to fall off

he needs to cut it out

he knoWs you bruise like a pEACH

“-what did i tell you about hitting me???” you put your phone down and turn to glare at tae

“you’re on the- look!!!!” tae points to the front and-  

you immediately pale when you realise that yes, that is most definitely your face on the jumbotron right now, and yes, you and jungkook, the very handsome stranger that you definitely already have a crush on, are currently trapped inside of a big pinK heart with the words ‘KISS CAM’ floating on top of the heart

oh god

you can’t kiss him

you still taste like cheesy fries

and your lips are chapped

and your tongue is stained blue from the slurpee

you can’T KISS HIM

and also he’s a literal stranger but most importantly you are not in the right state to be kisSEd right NOW

“oh, no-“ you shake your head quickly before making a slicing gesture over your neck “we’re not- we’re not together!”

jungkook glances at you for a brief second and he can sEe the panic in your eyes

okay

he was down to kiss you but obviously you don’t feel the same way which is totally understandable but stiLL

oh well

he might as well join in on the protesting

“right, yeah- we don’t know each other!” jungkook shakes his hand at the camera and you flash a sheepish smile at the camera before shrugging

the crowd immediately erupts into boos and you immediately scoff before turning to face the people behind you

“excuse-” you gawk when someone has the audacity to thrOW a handful of popcorn down at you guys “-excuse you!”

you turn back to face the camera and shake your head before holding your arms up and crossing one over the other

“sorry! we’re not going to kiss!!!!!!!!”

you shoot a glare in tae’s direction when he joins in on the booing

sometimes you don’t know why you’re friends with him because he’s literally suCH a moRON

“seriously, we’re not- oh, okay-“ you let out a breath of relief when the camera moves away from the two of you

you immediately slump back in your seat

phEW

that was a close call

if ur going to kiss jungkook it’s going to be because he wantS to kiss you and noT because he’s being forCed to kiss you

“sorry about that…” he turns to look at you and you immediately perk up

“no, you have nothing to apologise for! don’t sweat it.” you laugh lightly and shake your head before digging through your purse for a stick of gum

your breath still tastes like cheesy fries and it’s not very pleasant

“i, uh, i’m jungkook, by the way.” jungkook sticks his hand out for you to shake

oh

he’s… introducing himself to you

…does that mean… he might be… interested in you…?

hM

much to think about

you take his hand gently before offering him a shy smile “i’m y/n.”

“and i’m taehyung!” tae leans over and shoots jungkook a boxy smile “i would shake your hand but my fingers are still sticky with cheese.”

your eyes flutter shut and you pinch the bridge of your nose

kim taehyung is the absolute bane of ur existence

“it’s nice to meet you guys. uh, this is-“ jungkook glances over his shoulder “this is namjoon!”

“hey, hi.” namjoon smiles politely and nods to the both of you in acknowledgement “are you guys big hockey fans?”

“i’m not, but tae is-“ you laugh lightly and namjoon’s eyes liGht up

“i’m not that big of a fan either! i honestly don’t really get it!“

“right??” you gasp in excitement because now you have someone you can actually talk to about this stuff “what’s the big deal with a group of grown men gliding around and-“

“i know!! also i always lose track of where the puck is-“

taehyung and jungkook lean back slightly to give each other the same looks of ‘do you hear what i’m hearing right now?’

“i don’t see what the point is of having two intermissions-“ you nearly jump ten feet into the air when the crowd suddenly buRsts into cheers and for a second you think it’s because the game is resuming

but nO

because take a WILD guess as to whose faces are up on the jumbotron aGAIN

“wha- are you people serious?!” you gawk as you stare at yourself at the screen

…is that really what you look like?

you look weirder when you’re up on the big screen for some reason

you don’t get a chance to dwell on the fact that people can probably see your pores from how HD the camera is because the next thing you know, the crowd is beginning to chant

“kiss! kiss! kiss! kiss!”

jungkook lets out a nervous laugh and shakes his head before reaching up to pluck at the silver hoop hanging from his ear (it’s a nervous hAbit and he is very vERY nervous right now) “sorry, we’re not going to!”

“kiSS! kiSS! kiSS! kiSS!”

“you heard the guy!” you gesture over to jungkook “we’re not doing it, you pERverts!”

it seems like the audience couldn’t give leSS of a shit because every time you and jungkook say that you two aren’T going to kiss they become more riled up

even taehyung and namjoon have joined in on the chanting

namjoon can’t help but snort when jungkook turns to look at him with briGht red cheeks

if ya can’t beat em join em!!!

“we’re going to be here all day! just move on!”

“KISS!”

“we’re not going to kiss!!!!!!!”

“KISS!”

“we don’t even know each other!”

“KISS!”

“my lips are suPer chapped!”

“KISS!”

“take a hint!”

“oh for the love of god-“ jungkook’s eyes nearly pop out of his head when you’re suddenly grabbing him by the collar of his hoodie and pulling him towards you and-

his heart stops in his chest when you press your lips against his and he immediately freezes

o god

you’re kissing him

you’re kiSsing HIM

you pull away far too soon for jungkook’s liking (it was obviously only meant to be a peck) and jungkook blinks owlishly

wha-

is that it?????

that’s all????

you are riPPING him off

“there, we kissed! are you freAKS happ-“ before you get a chance to get all smug with the camera jungkook’s yanking you back and smearing his lips over yours

the crowd now eRUPTS into cheers and screams and namjoon is literally screeching his head off next to jungkook

taehyung isn’t doing any better

he threw his half-eaten hot dog up into the aIR

and for a brief second jungkook thinks you’re going to freak out and pull away but he’s more than pleasantly surprised when you begin to kiss him back

also he figured out what u smell like and why he likes it so much

it’s because you smell like his favourite fabric softener

and if that’s not a sign that you’re basically perFect for him then he doesn’t know what is!!!!

jungkook reaches up to cup your cheek gently while your fingers curl around the nape of his neck

needless to say

you are vERy much making out with a stranger right now (your mom would probably flip if she found out) but you most definitely don’t give a hECK because jungkook’s lips are so soft and he tastes like buttery popcorn

the tiniest of whimpers slips past your lips when jungkook teases you with small brushes of his tongue against yours

he tilts his head slightly to deepen the kiss and all of a sudden you feel lightheaded and your entire body feels like jello

he’s such a good kisser that you nearly forget the fact that the two of you are making out in front of like 20,000 people right now

a smirk twitches at the corner of jungkook’s mouth when he pulls away and you immediately respond with a whine

it started off with you getting him all flustered but obviously the tables have turned because you are just putty in his hands and he knows it

“jungkook…” you sigh breathlessly as he nudges his nose against yours

oH boy

your soul definitely left your body

you’re still floating on cloud nine

meanwhile the crowd is still compLETELY losing it because they were just expecting a little pek and not THIS

“yeah?” jungkook takes his bottom lip in between his teeth as he resists the urge to lean in and kiss you again

“i think this means you have to take me out on a date now.”

“…i think you might be right.”

best

birthday

ever

:-)

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

drabble masterlist // main masterlist

[jornthur]

“Unshaken” Chapter IV

Originally posted: March 22, 2020

Arthur Morgan x Reader, Slow-Burn Romance

(Photo Credit: @hysterialevi​)

Summary: You save a mysterious man who is dying on a mountain. Finding out he has Tuberculosis, you use your knowledge and skills with herbs and natural remedies to save him from death and help nurse him back to health. As he slowly starts to recover, you can’t help but wonder: Who is this man? Why had you found him the way that you did, beaten and ill? Only time, patience … and perhaps love … will tell.

•••••

The silence seemed to stretch on forever.

After a while you started to feel foolish for asking the question, but it was too late. It was out, and you couldn’t take it back. Why in the world did you even ask it? You thought, feeling embarrassed.

As you got closer to the cabin, Arthur still hadn’t said anything, and you were beginning to feel like a total idiot. Unable to take the silence anymore, you turned your head to look over at him.

Arthur was looking down at his feet as he shuffled them across the ground. He was leaning most of his weight on the tall walking stick, trying to keep himself balanced. Was he avoiding the question? Had he even heard you?

“Arthur?”

A small spark of hope shot through you as you thought that there might have been a chance he’d missed what you’d said. Maybe it wasn’t too late, after all, you thought with relief, it was a dumb question, anyways.

But that relief suddenly fled as he looked up at you, and those blue eyes of his sparkled knowingly, a slow grin stretching across his face.

Oh, he’d definitely heard you.

You blushed as you looked away immediately. “I’m sorry, Arthur,” you said, “I mean, not that it bothers me — I just wasn’t sure why … you know … I wasn’t sure why you would be callin’ me that, since we barely know each other and all — “

You heard him let out a soft chuckle, making you blush even harder. “You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about, darlin’,” He said softly, “It’s just cuz of all the honey you’ve been given me, thought it’d be a cute nickname for you.”

Could that damned blush get any hotter? “Oh … alright.” That was all you could say. Was it the answer you were expecting? Was it the truth? Maybe, but you couldn’t be sure.

Finally, you both reached the front porch steps of the cabin, and you turned to face Arthur, “Would you like me to help you up these steps?” You asked, trying to change the subject away from the previous one.

Arthur opened his mouth to reply —

“Y/N!”

Your head whipped around, looking over your shoulder to see Austin waving at you as he rode up towards you on his Bay Roan Ardennes, two large jackrabbits tied to his saddle. “Austin!” you called out. He looked exhausted, his clothes appeared to be messy and even his hair looked out of place, swept in different directions. “How was your trip?”

Austin pulled up right next to you and Arthur and swung off the large horse. He untied the jackrabbits from his saddle and presented them to you with a big grin, holding them both up by their back feet with one hand, “This is what a managed to catch. It ain’t much, I know, but it might last us a few days,” he said, then added “One for me and one for you.”

You looked up at him, baffled at those last words. “What about Arthur?”

Your brother just shrugged, no remorse in his face whatsoever. “If he wants somethin’ to eat he can eat the chicken feed from the stables,” Austin said unapologetically, even though Arthur was standing right next to you. Very well within earshot.

“Austin!” You were completely shocked at his words. Well, not really. But why did Austin insist on being such an asshole to Arthur? What had the man truly ever done to him? You were at your wit’s end.

You were about to say something you would probably later regret when Arthur suddenly reached out his free hand toward Austin.

Your brother visibly flinched slightly, but Arthur just reached over his shoulder and took the carbine repeater from the horse’s saddle.

Oh, God, no, you thought. Please don’t let it end this way. Was he about to kill Austin? Your mind started racing, had your brother been right all along —

Without hesitation, Arthur cocked the gun and swung the rifle through the air with his free hand. He aimed the thing in less than a second, and shot a single round into your raspberry bushes several yards away.

The shot was loud as it rang out in the sky. The Ardennes whinnied in surprise, you’d covered your ears from the loud thunderous crack, and Austin nearly jumped out of his boots.

He glared at Arthur. “What the hell do you think you’re doin’, cowpoke?!”

Arthur gave him a slow grin. “Gettin’ my share, boah,” he said in his low southern drawl, his dark brows drawn down as his blue eyes narrowed at Austin. “Ain’t that what you wanted?”

You and Austin were both speechless as Arthur handed the gun over to you. Not knowing how else to react, you took the carbine, and with that Arthur turned to walk in the direction he’d shot the round. Once he approached the raspberry bushes, he crouched down slowly using the walking stick for balance and reached into the bushes with his spare hand.

He pulled out a large, now dead jackrabbit out from underneath the foliage. As he straightened and made his way back over, you squinted just enough to see a nice, clean bullet hole right in its head. Your jaw dropped, your lips parting.

When Arthur finally approached both of you he held the jackrabbit out to Austin. “This good ’nough, feller?” He asked. His voice was harsh, laced with ice, his face having gone completely dark.

Austin just stood there as he gaped at Arthur, his eyes wide, his lips parted in shock. “How — How the hell did you — what the hell?” He stammered.

You were in awe as well. You’d had no idea that Arthur could handle a gun like that, let alone a large one.

“Where on Earth did you learn to shoot like that, Arthur?” You asked. “And how did you even … how did you even know it was there?”

Arthur turned his gaze to you, that face of his softening as a small smile stretched his lips. “Sure was makin’ a lotta noise while it was eatin’ your berries, Y/N.”

Your jaw almost dropped at his answer. Just how good was his hearing? If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve sworn it was almost like he had an eagle’s sense of his surroundings … You looked over at the raspberry bushes, completely stunned, unable to fathom what had just happened.

Who was this man, truly?

“You gonna take this or not, boah?” Arthur’s deep voice snapped you out of your thoughts and you looked back over to see Austin reach out a shaky hand to take the jackrabbit from Arthur.

“I’m … I-I…” Austin stuttered, tripping over his words. “I can’t believe … where- how did you learn to shoot like that?”

Arthur just huffed, “Years of practice.” He said hoarsely. He cleared his throat, then he brought his arm up to his mouth and started coughing.

Immediately you forgot everything else except for his health. You handed the carbine over to your brother who took it. Grabbing Arthur’s arm, you urged him toward the cabin. “C’mon, Arthur, you need to lie down.”

Arthur continued to cough even harder as he let you lead him up the steps and through the front door, all the while the fit having taken over. His body must’ve reached its limit, you realized. You sat him down on the large couch and went to grab your supplies, bringing them over to him. You handed him a dry cloth and he accepted it, giving you a grateful smile before coughing into it, his entire body shaking hard.

Quickly you prepped the syringe and cleaned off his inner arm with some alcohol. “Try to stay still, Arthur,” you said softly, rubbing his shoulder with your spare hand to try and get him to relax. As soon as his body settled down for a couple seconds you pushed the needle into his skin, pressing the plunger down until the barrel was completely empty. Pulling it out you patched him up and grabbed the glass of water and two pre-crushed herbs.

“Here, Arthur, I need you to take these, they should help ease your breathing.” You said urgently, holding the herbs and water out to him in each hand.

He stared at what you offered for a few seconds and then took them, placing the herbs in his mouth. He brought the glass up to his lips and drank from it until it was empty. As soon as he finished he closed his eyes and laid down on the couch, resting his head onto the pillow.

You took the empty glass from his hand and placed it on the nightstand. You snatched the thick wool blanket from the end of the couch and laid it back over his body, tucking it underneath him so he was comfortable.

As minutes passed his coughing slowly started to diminish, until finally he was breathing evenly again.

After a little while you reached out and rubbed his shoulder in an effort to ease him. “How are you feeling?”

Arthur opened his eyes and that blue gaze looked at you gratefully. “Much better, honey. Thanks.” Then he closed his eyes again with a low moan.

You smiled and nodded, then stood up to clean and put away the supplies. It would probably be best for him to stay off his feet for the rest of the day, you thought. But at least he got some of what he’d needed. You truly couldn’t blame Arthur for wanting to get out of the cabin, but at the same time you really needed him to take it easy so that his body could continue fighting off the tuberculosis bacteria that was left.

Austin walked into the sitting room and looked down at Arthur, then up at you, “He feelin’ alright?” He asked.

You nodded. “Yes, please don’t bother him. He needs to rest.”

Your brother’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Alright, well … I’ll go ahead and prepare the meat then.” His voice was much softer in tone, as if he were thinking about something.

“You okay, Austin?” You asked, meeting his eyes.

He just smiled and nodded, “Yeah, Y/N, I just … well, it’s nothin’. I’ll be outside workin’ on the game.” With that he turned and walked out the front door, closing it gently behind him.

You looked at the closed door, feeling surprised. It was the first time Austin had been in the same room without throwing any kind of insult or negative statement at Arthur. Was your brother actually starting to change the way he thought about him? Was it because of the gun incident?

Brushing that thought away, you continued cleaning the equipment. Once you were finally finished, you washed your hands and walked back into the sitting room.

You glanced at the honey pot on the nightstand. He needed to take more, you thought, but you would wait until he was awake again.

The cabin was quiet, and you looked over at Arthur, taking in what you saw. He was completely relaxed now, fast asleep, the medicine having gone to work throughout his entire body now. He almost looked like a completely different person, his face no longer hard, those features having gone completely soft.

Letting out a sigh of content, you grabbed a book off the shelf over the fireplace and sat in the spare sitting chair across from the couch. This way you could continue to keep an eye on Arthur for as long as need be.

Later that evening …

You heard a low groan and looked up from the chapter you were reading.

Arthur was moving, his arms and legs twisting underneath the blanket. You closed the book instantly and placed it on the nightstand next to you. Standing up you went over and knelt at his side. You kept your voice in a soft whisper, so as not to disturb him too much, “Arthur?”

Arthur’s dark brows drew down tight as his entire face grimaced. He let out a grunt and opened his eyes. That blue stare looked up and seemed to recognize you. He smiled, “Hey, honey,” he murmured, his deep voice sounding rough.

You returned his smile with one of your own, “You’re awake. How did you sleep?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, scratching his neck, “Ain’t too sure. Think I might’ve slept like a dog.” He sat up slowly and raised his arms up over his head, stretching his entire upper torso. You found yourself unable to help staring briefly at his muscles as his blue shirt splayed tight across them from his movements.  

“So,” you said, interrupting your own thoughts, “would you mind if I listen to your heart?” Okay, that sounded a bit weird, so you added “I need to listen to see if there are any abnormalities.”

He shrugged, “I guess so,” he said, his southern drawl hitching slightly as he cracked his neck, “do what you need to do.”

Seriously, his deep voice was going to be the end of you, you thought. Nodding, you stood up and grabbed your stethoscope and other tools from your desk and brought them over. Putting on the stethoscope you placed the disk on his chest. Being this close to him felt so strange, and you never managed to get over the warm feeling you got every time,  “Okay, Arthur,” you said, “please take a deep breath for me?”

His chest rose and fell as he took in a large breath and let it out. You listened to his heart for any hiccups, but thankfully there were none. Moving the disk to where his lungs were you listened to each one individually. “More deep breaths, please?”

He obliged as his chest rose and fell again a few more times. His lungs were sounding so much better, you thought, they were taking in and pushing out air with much more ease. There was no doubt that the bacteria was dying off and the tissue was starting to grow back what it could. “Do you feel any pain right now?”

He looked down at you, “Not at the moment,” he said gruffly. He winced. “Just a little bit, sometimes.”

You placed your stethoscope aside, trading it for a tongue depressor. “Say ‘ah’ for me, please?”

Arthur obliged as he parted his lips and let you place the stick on his tongue. You examined the back of his throat, searching closely for anything out of the ordinary. There was a bit of redness in the back, probably an irritation result from the earlier coughing episode, but other than that everything looked good.

“Well, Arthur,” you said as you sat back, placing the tool into the trash bin at the foot of the couch, “Your heart and lungs sound pretty good. There’s a bit of soreness in your throat but that should clear up soon, as long as there are no more fits. I think you’ll be able to start movin’ about again with no problems very soon.”

Arthur rubbed at his chest, clearing his throat as he looked down at his lap. What was he thinking about? You wondered, but there was no time to ponder on that though. You grabbed the honey pot and lifted the lid. You heard Arthur clear his throat and you looked back up at him. “Is something wrong?’

He shook his head, an amused expression on his face. “No, honey.”

You blushed. Turning away so he didn’t see it you snatched the spoon up and handed it and the pot over to him without looking at him. “Here,” you said quickly, “you know what to do.”

You felt him take the pot and spoon from your hands, and you stood up to put away your book, trying to make yourself look busy until the blush was gone.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw him take the spoonfuls of honey into his mouth. “I still can’t believe this,” he said as he finished up and placed the pot and spoon down, “I still can’t … I really don’t see how I’m still here.”

His tone sounded tortured, you thought sadly. What on Earth had happened to him before you found him?

What kind of life had he led?

That thought brought another, and you suddenly remembered his satchel. “Oh!”

Your sudden outburst made Arthur jerk, looking up at you with surprise. “I’m sorry,” you said, “I just remembered somethin’.” You got up and raced over to your desk in your office, unlocking the bottom drawer.

“What is it?” Arthur called out.

Pulling the satchel out from the drawer and closing it you held the small brown bag up for him to see as you came back over. “My brother found this on one of his huntin’ trips near where we found you … ,” you paused, then added “I saw your name on the first page.”

At his questioning look you quickly added, “I swear I didn’t look any further, Arthur. I was goin’ to respect your privacy. I just — I just wanted to see if it was yours.” You approached the couch and held the satchel out to him.

Arthur stared at it for a long moment until he slowly took it with a shaking hand. Those blue eyes held so much emotion as he stared at it that you couldn’t help but wonder what was running through his mind.

He opened the satchel and pulled out the journal. His breath hitched as he stared at it, running a gentle hand over the front cover. “This … you found this?”

You nodded, but he didn’t look up from the journal, so you said aloud, “My brother did, yes. I kept it locked in my desk for safe-keepin’ until you were feelin’ better.”

He lifted the front cover and flipped through the first page and your eyes widened, unable to help but notice a two-page drawing that looked like some kind of camp. After a minute or two he continued flipping through the pages, his eyes looking more and more pained as he progressed through the journal. You could see words written down on some of them, except you refused to read them out of respect for his privacy. But those drawings. He stopped on some of them and you were absolutely astonished, unable to help but look.

Suddenly he closed the journal and placed it on the nightstand. He bent forward, elbows on his knees. Placing his face in his hands, he started rubbing his forehead with the tips of his fingers. He looked almost ruined, completely overwhelmed. His display of emotion almost had you regretting giving him back his satchel, but what else could you have possibly done with it? Maybe you could’ve waited a little longer, but he had the right to know. It was his property, after all.

Several moments passed and he didn’t move, his face still hidden in his hands. After a little while longer you decided to speak, using a gentle tone so that you didn’t aggravate him in any way. “Arthur … I noticed several sketches in there … did you draw those?” You were trying to change the subject in order to draw his mind away from whatever dark place it had gotten sucked into.

He didn’t respond right away, nor did he move at all, his entire body tight for several minutes.

Finally, he brought his hands away, placing them at his sides where he gripped the edges of the couch, his knuckles turning nearly white. He looked down at the floor, avoiding your gaze. “Yes, I drew them,” he said roughly, his voice nearly choking. His eyelids had gone red, his entire face set in a hard line.

“I didn’t mean to see them,” you whispered gently.

“No, you’re alright,” Arthur said in a rough tone, waving his hand through the air as if dismissing your apology. “I’m just thinkin’.”

You nodded and waited, giving him whatever space he needed to work through whatever was running through his head.

After a while he lifted a hand and rubbed hard at his eyes. “I’m sorry, I … just gotta lot on my mind right now.”

You nodded, “I completely understand, Arthur, and I’m sorry if that journal brought back any painful memories. I shouldn’t have given it back so soon while you’re still sick.”

“No,” he interjected, “I’m glad you did.”

Was he really, though? You thought. Whatever was in that journal seemed to be putting him in a lot of mental anguish. You wanted so badly to help him think about something else, so you decided to bring up a lighter subject. “Where did you learn to draw?”

Arthur let out a harsh grunt at your question and shrugged, his heavy voice carrying a slightly bare tone to it, “I just look at what I see and put it on paper,” He scratched at his jaw, “I don’t really see that much in ’em, though.”

You almost gaped at his modesty. “They’re really beautiful, Arthur.”

He didn’t look at you as he just nodded and gave a small smile, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks,” he said under his breath.

You gave a comforting smile, “You have an amazin’ talent, Arthur,” you told him gently, then added “if you ever want to draw somethin’, I have some pencils on my desk. You’re free to use them.” You patted his shoulder as you stood up. “I’m goin’ to go outside for a while and talk to my brother. Will you be alright?”

Arthur still didn’t look at you as he just gave another small nod.

You looked down at him sympathetically. “Alright, I’ll be back soon.” You turned away and walked toward the front door. Reaching it, you looked back over your shoulder at him one more time. His upper body was hunched over once again, his face in his hands.

He was clearly hurting, you knew, but you had no idea what else you could do other than give him some space and time alone. You stepped out and shut the door softly behind you.

Stepping out onto the front porch, the late evening air hit you like a gust of wind. You took a deep breath of it, letting the cool air settle your nerves as you looked around. The evening was quiet, the sun having just disappeared behind the distant mountains in the West. Crickets were chirping as if greeting the night that approached.

Austin was sitting on a stump over near the stream. It looked like he was working on something, but you couldn’t see what it was since he was facing away from you.

Before going over to him, you decided to go to the stables to check on the horses. It was a small building surrounded by fencing to the side of the house. There was just enough room in the fence to let the horses run around whenever they wanted to, about two-and-half acres of wide grass with a few trees spotted here and there. Since the cabin was located in the woods, several trees stood tall both in and around the stables just as well as the cabin. Your brother had cut several of them down a couple years ago in order to allow more room for the horses, but he’d left some up to provide shade for them as well.

You walked into the stables and saw the white Shire and Bay Roan Ardennes in their own stalls. They were both munching on the fresh hay that was no doubt Austin’s doing. You checked on the other animals, looking to see the goats and chickens in their own pens. They were still up and about, wandering around doing their business.

The white Shire lifted her head and came over to you, poking its head out over the stall gate to nudge your shoulder.

“Hey there, Lily,” you said in greeting, turning to face her and reaching a hand up to stroke her muzzle, “How’re you doin’?”

She whinnied softly in response.

You’d had Lily for 10 years, and she absolutely adored you, as you did her. Your father had given her to you for your 20th birthday and you’d named her after your favorite flower, the white lily. It had been the first plant you’d ever grown, with the help of your mother. Lily was absolutely magnificent and extremely loyal, and she’d seen you through many hardships in you life.

And if not for her, you wouldn’t have been able to save Arthur.

Giving her a final pat on her neck, you let out a breath, “Well, girl, I think it’s time to go to bed, don’t you? You rest well.” Lily shook her head up and down as if agreeing with you, then she turned away to resume eating her supper.

You turned to face the Ardennes, “Well, Butch, hope you’re ready for bed, too?” You asked him. He raised his head to look at you, letting out a snort.

Butch was a war horse, built for bravery and strength. Just like Lily, your father had given him to your brother for his own 20th birthday. You were both two years apart, so being 18 you had been slightly jealous of him until you’d gotten Lily. Butch would follow Austin anywhere. The big horse wasn’t really attached to you, but he recognized you as a friend.

You gave a small nod at him. “Alrighty, then. Y’all both have a good night.” You waved to both of them as you walked out of the stables and followed the dirt trail leading toward the small river. On your way you noticed the three skinned jackrabbits hanging off of individual hooks from one of the trees’ low branches. So Austin had finished the butchering job a while ago.

You brother was still sitting on the stump, and from this angle you could barely make out what he was working on. He was cleaning his carbine repeater, running a rag up and down the barrel of the gun.

You walked over to him, “Hey, Austin,” you kept your tone low so as not to startle him.

Austin looked up over his shoulder at you. He smiled and propped the gun against the stump as he stood up. “Hey, sister. Everything alright?” He asked, turning to face you.

“Yes, everything’s fine,” you answered. “Don’t worry, continue what you were doin’.” You gestured at the repeater.

He shook his head. “Nah, I was just finished anyways. So … ” he reached a hand around his head to rub at the back of his neck. “How’s Arthur?”

Your eyes widened. It was the first time Austin had called Arthur by his name. Before this it had always been ‘cowpoke’ or some kind of other insult. Was your brother finally warming up to him? “He’s a bit troubled right now … I gave him back his satchel, and he saw his journal.”

Austin shook his head, seeming empathetic. “Probably has a lotta memories in there.”

“Austin?”

“Hm?”

You shut your eyes briefly, bracing yourself for his answer to your next question, “Do you still hate him?”

Arthur’s eyes filled with amusement as he smiled, “Maybe a little,” he teased.

You rolled your eyes, unable to hold back a small laugh as you smiled back in return.

His grin grew wider at your reaction, then he gestured with his hand, pointing at the repeater. “He’s gotta hell of a shot.”

You let out another laugh, “Now you’re complimenting him? Where is Austin and what have you done with him?”

Austin chuckled, “Don’t get me wrong. I still sorta hate that man, especially after showin’ off like that.” He scratched his cheek, a habit you knew he had whenever he got embarrassed about something.

You tsked at him playfully, “You did kinda ask for it, though. I mean, really, Austin. Chicken feed?”

He chuckled, “You’re right, Y/N,” he admitted, “I’m sorry for saying that. It was stupid of me.”

You shook your head, “I’m not the one you need to apologize to, Austin.”

Austin let out a long sigh, seeming exasperated. “Men don’t apologize to each other,” he stated, his voice firm as if what he’d just said was a fact.

You narrowed your eyes at him.

“But I guess I can try talkin’ to him sometime.” He added, rubbing the back of his neck again.

“It wouldn’t kill you to try,” you said encouragingly. You reached out and patted his upper arm in an effort to comfort your brother’s silly ego.

“Don’t be too sure of that,” Austin replied, his voice light in tone. “I suppose I should make sure all the animals are settled in for the night.” He turned around, picked up his gun, and started heading over to the stables.

You smiled to yourself. Your brother seemed to finally be coming around. Even though he wouldn’t outwardly admit it, you could tell he was starting to like Arthur.

Funny how guns could bring men together sometimes, you thought with a small smile.

•••••

– To Be Continued

[the-mill-kat]

Unshaken Chapter IV

Part 4- Arthur Morgan x Reader (18+, Slow Burn) Posted March 22, 2020

Here it is finally! I hope y’all enjoy it, I’m sorry this one took me so gotdam long! Please ***like/reblog/comment*** to let me know what you think.

(Photo credit: hysterialevi)

You save a mysterious man who is dying on a mountain. Finding out he has Tuberculosis, you use your knowledge and skills with herbs and natural remedies to save him from death and help nurse him back to health. As he slowly starts to recover, you can’t help but wonder: Who is this man? Why had you found him the way that you did, beaten and ill? Only time, patience … and perhaps love … will tell.

The silence seemed to stretch on forever.

After a while you started to feel foolish for asking the question, but it was too late. It was out, and you couldn’t take it back. Why in the world did you even ask it? You thought, feeling embarrassed.

As you got closer to the cabin, Arthur still hadn’t said anything, and you were beginning to feel like a total idiot. Unable to take the silence anymore, you turned your head to look over at him.

Arthur was looking down at his feet as he shuffled them across the ground. He was leaning most of his weight on the tall walking stick, trying to keep himself balanced. Was he avoiding the question? Had he even heard you?

“Arthur?”

A small spark of hope shot through you as you thought that there might have been a chance he’d missed what you’d said. Maybe it wasn’t too late, after all, you thought with relief, it was a dumb question, anyways.

But that relief suddenly fled as he looked up at you, and those blue eyes of his sparkled knowingly, a slow grin stretching across his face.

Oh, he’d definitely heard you.

You blushed as you looked away immediately. “I’m sorry, Arthur,” you said, “I mean, not that it bothers me — I just wasn’t sure why … you know … I wasn’t sure why you would be callin’ me that, since we barely know each other and all — “

You heard him let out a soft chuckle, making you blush even harder. “You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about, darlin’,” He said softly, “It’s just cuz of all the honey you’ve been given me, thought it’d be a cute nickname for you.”

Could that damned blush get any hotter? “Oh … alright.” That was all you could say. Was it the answer you were expecting? Was it the truth? Maybe, but you couldn’t be sure.

Finally, you both reached the front porch steps of the cabin, and you turned to face Arthur, “Would you like me to help you up these steps?” You asked, trying to change the subject away from the previous one.

Arthur opened his mouth to reply —

“Y/N!”

Your head whipped around, looking over your shoulder to see Austin waving at you as he rode up towards you on his Bay Roan Ardennes, two large jackrabbits tied to his saddle. “Austin!” you called out. He looked exhausted, his clothes appeared to be messy and even his hair looked out of place, swept in different directions. “How was your trip?”

Austin pulled up right next to you and Arthur and swung off the large horse. He untied the jackrabbits from his saddle and presented them to you with a big grin, holding them both up by their back feet with one hand, “This is what a managed to catch. It ain’t much, I know, but it might last us a few days,” he said, then added “One for me and one for you.”

You looked up at him, baffled at those last words. “What about Arthur?”

Your brother just shrugged, no remorse in his face whatsoever. “If he wants somethin’ to eat he can eat the chicken feed from the stables,” Austin said unapologetically, even though Arthur was standing right next to you. Very well within earshot.

“Austin!” You were completely shocked at his words. Well, not really. But why did Austin insist on being such an asshole to Arthur? What had the man truly ever done to him? You were at your wit’s end.

You were about to say something you would probably later regret when Arthur suddenly reached out his free hand toward Austin.

Your brother visibly flinched slightly, but Arthur just reached over his shoulder and took the carbine repeater from the horse’s saddle.

Oh, God, no, you thought. Please don’t let it end this way. Was he about to kill Austin? Your mind started racing, had your brother been right all along —

Without hesitation, Arthur cocked the gun and swung the rifle through the air with his free hand. He aimed the thing in less than a second, and shot a single round into your raspberry bushes several yards away.

The shot was loud as it rang out in the sky. The Ardennes whinnied in surprise, you’d covered your ears from the loud thunderous crack, and Austin nearly jumped out of his boots.

He glared at Arthur. “What the hell do you think you’re doin’, cowpoke?!”

Arthur gave him a slow grin. “Gettin’ my share, boah,” he said in his low southern drawl, his dark brows drawn down as his blue eyes narrowed at Austin. “Ain’t that what you wanted?”

You and Austin were both speechless as Arthur handed the gun over to you. Not knowing how else to react, you took the carbine, and with that Arthur turned to walk in the direction he’d shot the round. Once he approached the raspberry bushes, he crouched down slowly using the walking stick for balance and reached into the bushes with his spare hand.

He pulled out a large, now dead jackrabbit out from underneath the foliage. As he straightened and made his way back over, you squinted just enough to see a nice, clean bullet hole right in its head. Your jaw dropped, your lips parting.

When Arthur finally approached both of you he held the jackrabbit out to Austin. “This good ’nough, feller?” He asked. His voice was harsh, laced with ice, his face having gone completely dark.

Austin just stood there as he gaped at Arthur, his eyes wide, his lips parted in shock. “How — How the hell did you — what the hell?” He stammered.

You were in awe as well. You’d had no idea that Arthur could handle a gun like that, let alone a large one.

“Where on Earth did you learn to shoot like that, Arthur?” You asked. “And how did you even … how did you even know it was there?”

Arthur turned his gaze to you, that face of his softening as a small smile stretched his lips. “Sure was makin’ a lotta noise while it was eatin’ your berries, Y/N.”

Your jaw almost dropped at his answer. Just how good was his hearing? If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve sworn it was almost like he had an eagle’s sense of his surroundings … You looked over at the raspberry bushes, completely stunned, unable to fathom what had just happened.

Who was this man, truly?

“You gonna take this or not, boah?” Arthur’s deep voice snapped you out of your thoughts and you looked back over to see Austin reach out a shaky hand to take the jackrabbit from Arthur.

“I’m … I-I…” Austin stuttered, tripping over his words. “I can’t believe … where- how did you learn to shoot like that?”

Arthur just huffed, “Years of practice.” He said hoarsely. He cleared his throat, then he brought his arm up to his mouth and started coughing.

Immediately you forgot everything else except for his health. You handed the carbine over to your brother who took it. Grabbing Arthur’s arm, you urged him toward the cabin. “C’mon, Arthur, you need to lie down.”

Arthur continued to cough even harder as he let you lead him up the steps and through the front door, all the while the fit having taken over. His body must’ve reached its limit, you realized. You sat him down on the large couch and went to grab your supplies, bringing them over to him. You handed him a dry cloth and he accepted it, giving you a grateful smile before coughing into it, his entire body shaking hard.

Quickly you prepped the syringe and cleaned off his inner arm with some alcohol. “Try to stay still, Arthur,” you said softly, rubbing his shoulder with your spare hand to try and get him to relax. As soon as his body settled down for a couple seconds you pushed the needle into his skin, pressing the plunger down until the barrel was completely empty. Pulling it out you patched him up and grabbed the glass of water and two pre-crushed herbs.

“Here, Arthur, I need you to take these, they should help ease your breathing.” You said urgently, holding the herbs and water out to him in each hand.

He stared at what you offered for a few seconds and then took them, placing the herbs in his mouth. He brought the glass up to his lips and drank from it until it was empty. As soon as he finished he closed his eyes and laid down on the couch, resting his head onto the pillow.

You took the empty glass from his hand and placed it on the nightstand. You snatched the thick wool blanket from the end of the couch and laid it back over his body, tucking it underneath him so he was comfortable.

As minutes passed his coughing slowly started to diminish, until finally he was breathing evenly again.

After a little while you reached out and rubbed his shoulder in an effort to ease him. “How are you feeling?”

Arthur opened his eyes and that blue gaze looked at you gratefully. “Much better, honey. Thanks.” Then he closed his eyes again with a low moan.

You smiled and nodded, then stood up to clean and put away the supplies. It would probably be best for him to stay off his feet for the rest of the day, you thought. But at least he got some of what he’d needed. You truly couldn’t blame Arthur for wanting to get out of the cabin, but at the same time you really needed him to take it easy so that his body could continue fighting off the tuberculosis bacteria that was left.

Austin walked into the sitting room and looked down at Arthur, then up at you, “He feelin’ alright?” He asked.

You nodded. “Yes, please don’t bother him. He needs to rest.”

Your brother’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Alright, well … I’ll go ahead and prepare the meat then.” His voice was much softer in tone, as if he were thinking about something.

“You okay, Austin?” You asked, meeting his eyes.

He just smiled and nodded, “Yeah, Y/N, I just … well, it’s nothin’. I’ll be outside workin’ on the game.” With that he turned and walked out the front door, closing it gently behind him.

You looked at the closed door, feeling surprised. It was the first time Austin had been in the same room without throwing any kind of insult or negative statement at Arthur. Was your brother actually starting to change the way he thought about him? Was it because of the gun incident?

Brushing that thought away, you continued cleaning the equipment. Once you were finally finished, you washed your hands and walked back into the sitting room.

You glanced at the honey pot on the nightstand. He needed to take more, you thought, but you would wait until he was awake again.

The cabin was quiet, and you looked over at Arthur, taking in what you saw. He was completely relaxed now, fast asleep, the medicine having gone to work throughout his entire body now. He almost looked like a completely different person, his face no longer hard, those features having gone completely soft.

Letting out a sigh of content, you grabbed a book off the shelf over the fireplace and sat in the spare sitting chair across from the couch. This way you could continue to keep an eye on Arthur for as long as need be.

Later that evening …

You heard a low groan and looked up from the chapter you were reading.

Arthur was moving, his arms and legs twisting underneath the blanket. You closed the book instantly and placed it on the nightstand next to you. Standing up you went over and knelt at his side. You kept your voice in a soft whisper, so as not to disturb him too much, “Arthur?”

Arthur’s dark brows drew down tight as his entire face grimaced. He let out a grunt and opened his eyes. That blue stare looked up and seemed to recognize you. He smiled, “Hey, honey,” he murmured, his deep voice sounding rough.

You returned his smile with one of your own, “You’re awake. How did you sleep?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, scratching his neck, “Ain’t too sure. Think I might’ve slept like a dog.” He sat up slowly and raised his arms up over his head, stretching his entire upper torso. You found yourself unable to help staring briefly at his muscles as his blue shirt splayed tight across them from his movements.  

“So,” you said, interrupting your own thoughts, “would you mind if I listen to your heart?” Okay, that sounded a bit weird, so you added “I need to listen to see if there are any abnormalities.”

He shrugged, “I guess so,” he said, his southern drawl hitching slightly as he cracked his neck, “do what you need to do.”

Seriously, his deep voice was going to be the end of you, you thought. Nodding, you stood up and grabbed your stethoscope and other tools from your desk and brought them over. Putting on the stethoscope you placed the disk on his chest. Being this close to him felt so strange, and you never managed to get over the warm feeling you got every time,  “Okay, Arthur,” you said, “please take a deep breath for me?”

His chest rose and fell as he took in a large breath and let it out. You listened to his heart for any hiccups, but thankfully there were none. Moving the disk to where his lungs were you listened to each one individually. “More deep breaths, please?”

He obliged as his chest rose and fell again a few more times. His lungs were sounding so much better, you thought, they were taking in and pushing out air with much more ease. There was no doubt that the bacteria was dying off and the tissue was starting to grow back what it could. “Do you feel any pain right now?”

He looked down at you, “Not at the moment,” he said gruffly. He winced. “Just a little bit, sometimes.”

You placed your stethoscope aside, trading it for a tongue depressor. “Say ‘ah’ for me, please?”

Arthur obliged as he parted his lips and let you place the stick on his tongue. You examined the back of his throat, searching closely for anything out of the ordinary. There was a bit of redness in the back, probably an irritation result from the earlier coughing episode, but other than that everything looked good.

“Well, Arthur,” you said as you sat back, placing the tool into the trash bin at the foot of the couch, “Your heart and lungs sound pretty good. There’s a bit of soreness in your throat but that should clear up soon, as long as there are no more fits. I think you’ll be able to start movin’ about again with no problems very soon.”

Arthur rubbed at his chest, clearing his throat as he looked down at his lap. What was he thinking about? You wondered, but there was no time to ponder on that though. You grabbed the honey pot and lifted the lid. You heard Arthur clear his throat and you looked back up at him. “Is something wrong?’

He shook his head, an amused expression on his face. “No, honey.”

You blushed. Turning away so he didn’t see it you snatched the spoon up and handed it and the pot over to him without looking at him. “Here,” you said quickly, “you know what to do.”

You felt him take the pot and spoon from your hands, and you stood up to put away your book, trying to make yourself look busy until the blush was gone.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw him take the spoonfuls of honey into his mouth. “I still can’t believe this,” he said as he finished up and placed the pot and spoon down, “I still can’t … I really don’t see how I’m still here.”

His tone sounded tortured, you thought sadly. What on Earth had happened to him before you found him?

What kind of life had he led?

That thought brought another, and you suddenly remembered his satchel. “Oh!”

Your sudden outburst made Arthur jerk, looking up at you with surprise. “I’m sorry,” you said, “I just remembered somethin’.” You got up and raced over to your desk in your office, unlocking the bottom drawer.

“What is it?” Arthur called out.

Pulling the satchel out from the drawer and closing it you held the small brown bag up for him to see as you came back over. “My brother found this on one of his huntin’ trips near where we found you … ,” you paused, then added “I saw your name on the first page.”

At his questioning look you quickly added, “I swear I didn’t look any further, Arthur. I was goin’ to respect your privacy. I just — I just wanted to see if it was yours.” You approached the couch and held the satchel out to him.

Arthur stared at it for a long moment until he slowly took it with a shaking hand. Those blue eyes held so much emotion as he stared at it that you couldn’t help but wonder what was running through his mind.

He opened the satchel and pulled out the journal. His breath hitched as he stared at it, running a gentle hand over the front cover. “This … you found this?”

You nodded, but he didn’t look up from the journal, so you said aloud, “My brother did, yes. I kept it locked in my desk for safe-keepin’ until you were feelin’ better.”

He lifted the front cover and flipped through the first page and your eyes widened, unable to help but notice a two-page drawing that looked like some kind of camp. After a minute or two he continued flipping through the pages, his eyes looking more and more pained as he progressed through the journal. You could see words written down on some of them, except you refused to read them out of respect for his privacy. But those drawings. He stopped on some of them and you were absolutely astonished, unable to help but look.

Suddenly he closed the journal and placed it on the nightstand. He bent forward, elbows on his knees. Placing his face in his hands, he started rubbing his forehead with the tips of his fingers. He looked almost ruined, completely overwhelmed. His display of emotion almost had you regretting giving him back his satchel, but what else could you have possibly done with it? Maybe you could’ve waited a little longer, but he had the right to know. It was his property, after all.

Several moments passed and he didn’t move, his face still hidden in his hands. After a little while longer you decided to speak, using a gentle tone so that you didn’t aggravate him in any way. “Arthur … I noticed several sketches in there … did you draw those?” You were trying to change the subject in order to draw his mind away from whatever dark place it had gotten sucked into.

He didn’t respond right away, nor did he move at all, his entire body tight for several minutes.

Finally, he brought his hands away, placing them at his sides where he gripped the edges of the couch, his knuckles turning nearly white. He looked down at the floor, avoiding your gaze. “Yes, I drew them,” he said roughly, his voice nearly choking. His eyelids had gone red, his entire face set in a hard line.

“I didn’t mean to see them,” you whispered gently.

“No, you’re alright,” Arthur said in a rough tone, waving his hand through the air as if dismissing your apology. “I’m just thinkin’.”

You nodded and waited, giving him whatever space he needed to work through whatever was running through his head.

After a while he lifted a hand and rubbed hard at his eyes. “I’m sorry, I ... just gotta lot on my mind right now.”

You nodded, “I completely understand, Arthur, and I’m sorry if that journal brought back any painful memories. I shouldn’t have given it back so soon while you’re still sick.”

“No,” he interjected, “I’m glad you did.”

Was he really, though? You thought. Whatever was in that journal seemed to be putting him in a lot of mental anguish. You wanted so badly to help him think about something else, so you decided to bring up a lighter subject. “Where did you learn to draw?”

Arthur let out a harsh grunt at your question and shrugged, his heavy voice carrying a slightly bare tone to it, “I just look at what I see and put it on paper,” He scratched at his jaw, “I don’t really see that much in ’em, though.”

You almost gaped at his modesty. “They’re really beautiful, Arthur.”

He didn’t look at you as he just nodded and gave a small smile, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks,” he said under his breath.

You gave a comforting smile, “You have an amazin’ talent, Arthur,” you told him gently, then added “if you ever want to draw somethin’, I have some pencils on my desk. You’re free to use them.” You patted his shoulder as you stood up. “I’m goin’ to go outside for a while and talk to my brother. Will you be alright?”

Arthur still didn’t look at you as he just gave another small nod.

You looked down at him sympathetically. “Alright, I’ll be back soon.” You turned away and walked toward the front door. Reaching it, you looked back over your shoulder at him one more time. His upper body was hunched over once again, his face in his hands.

He was clearly hurting, you knew, but you had no idea what else you could do other than give him some space and time alone. You stepped out and shut the door softly behind you.

Stepping out onto the front porch, the late evening air hit you like a gust of wind. You took a deep breath of it, letting the cool air settle your nerves as you looked around. The evening was quiet, the sun having just disappeared behind the distant mountains in the West. Crickets were chirping as if greeting the night that approached.

Austin was sitting on a stump over near the stream. It looked like he was working on something, but you couldn’t see what it was since he was facing away from you.

Before going over to him, you decided to go to the stables to check on the horses. It was a small building surrounded by fencing to the side of the house. There was just enough room in the fence to let the horses run around whenever they wanted to, about two-and-half acres of wide grass with a few trees spotted here and there. Since the cabin was located in the woods, several trees stood tall both in and around the stables just as well as the cabin. Your brother had cut several of them down a couple years ago in order to allow more room for the horses, but he’d left some up to provide shade for them as well.

You walked into the stables and saw the white Shire and Bay Roan Ardennes in their own stalls. They were both munching on the fresh hay that was no doubt Austin’s doing. You checked on the other animals, looking to see the goats and chickens in their own pens. They were still up and about, wandering around doing their business.

The white Shire lifted her head and came over to you, poking its head out over the stall gate to nudge your shoulder.

“Hey there, Lily,” you said in greeting, turning to face her and reaching a hand up to stroke her muzzle, “How’re you doin’?”

She whinnied softly in response.

You’d had Lily for 10 years, and she absolutely adored you, as you did her. Your father had given her to you for your 20th birthday and you’d named her after your favorite flower, the white lily. It had been the first plant you’d ever grown, with the help of your mother. Lily was absolutely magnificent and extremely loyal, and she’d seen you through many hardships in you life.

And if not for her, you wouldn’t have been able to save Arthur.

Giving her a final pat on her neck, you let out a breath, “Well, girl, I think it’s time to go to bed, don’t you? You rest well.” Lily shook her head up and down as if agreeing with you, then she turned away to resume eating her supper.

You turned to face the Ardennes, “Well, Butch, hope you’re ready for bed, too?” You asked him. He raised his head to look at you, letting out a snort.

Butch was a war horse, built for bravery and strength. Just like Lily, your father had given him to your brother for his own 20th birthday. You were both two years apart, so being 18 you had been slightly jealous of him until you’d gotten Lily. Butch would follow Austin anywhere. The big horse wasn’t really attached to you, but he recognized you as a friend.

You gave a small nod at him. “Alrighty, then. Y’all both have a good night.” You waved to both of them as you walked out of the stables and followed the dirt trail leading toward the small river. On your way you noticed the three skinned jackrabbits hanging off of individual hooks from one of the trees’ low branches. So Austin had finished the butchering job a while ago.

You brother was still sitting on the stump, and from this angle you could barely make out what he was working on. He was cleaning his carbine repeater, running a rag up and down the barrel of the gun.

You walked over to him, “Hey, Austin,” you kept your tone low so as not to startle him.

Austin looked up over his shoulder at you. He smiled and propped the gun against the stump as he stood up. “Hey, sister. Everything alright?” He asked, turning to face you.

“Yes, everything’s fine,” you answered. “Don’t worry, continue what you were doin’.” You gestured at the repeater.

He shook his head. “Nah, I was just finished anyways. So … ” he reached a hand around his head to rub at the back of his neck. “How’s Arthur?”

Your eyes widened. It was the first time Austin had called Arthur by his name. Before this it had always been ‘cowpoke’ or some kind of other insult. Was your brother finally warming up to him? “He’s a bit troubled right now … I gave him back his satchel, and he saw his journal.”

Austin shook his head, seeming empathetic. “Probably has a lotta memories in there.”

“Austin?”

“Hm?”

You shut your eyes briefly, bracing yourself for his answer to your next question, “Do you still hate him?”

Arthur’s eyes filled with amusement as he smiled, “Maybe a little,” he teased.

You rolled your eyes, unable to hold back a small laugh as you smiled back in return.

His grin grew wider at your reaction, then he gestured with his hand, pointing at the repeater. “He’s gotta hell of a shot.”

You let out another laugh, “Now you’re complimenting him? Where is Austin and what have you done with him?”

Austin chuckled, “Don’t get me wrong. I still sorta hate that man, especially after showin’ off like that.” He scratched his cheek, a habit you knew he had whenever he got embarrassed about something.

You tsked at him playfully, “You did kinda ask for it, though. I mean, really, Austin. Chicken feed?”

He chuckled, “You’re right, Y/N,” he admitted, “I’m sorry for saying that. It was stupid of me.”

You shook your head, “I’m not the one you need to apologize to, Austin.”

Austin let out a long sigh, seeming exasperated. “Men don’t apologize to each other,” he stated, his voice firm as if what he’d just said was a fact.

You narrowed your eyes at him.

“But I guess I can try talkin’ to him sometime.” He added, rubbing the back of his neck again.

“It wouldn’t kill you to try,” you said encouragingly. You reached out and patted his upper arm in an effort to comfort your brother’s silly ego.

“Don’t be too sure of that,” Austin replied, his voice light in tone. “I suppose I should make sure all the animals are settled in for the night.” He turned around, picked up his gun, and started heading over to the stables.

You smiled to yourself. Your brother seemed to finally be coming around. Even though he wouldn’t outwardly admit it, you could tell he was starting to like Arthur.

Funny how guns could bring men together sometimes, you thought with a small smile.

-- To Be Continued

[peachypunk22]

tag game: 50 Qs

was tagged by @coffeeandchemicals thank you!! 🥰🥰

I’m tagging @bambixxblue @chidorimedaddy @colonel--sarge and anyone else who wants to! 

under cut bc this is pretty long

what is the color of your hairbrush? it’s blue and its not good and ive had it for like 5 years idk 

name a food you never eat: ooh that’s hard. maybe Naengmyeon, which are cold korean noodles, it was literally the only thing i didn’t like in korea

are you typically too warm or too cold? i always run warm!

what were you doing 45 mins ago? eating dinner

what’s your favorite candy bar? do reeses cups count?

have you ever been to a professional sports game? not in a couple years but I’ve been to baseball and hockey games

what is the last thing you said out loud? “god damn it”

what is your favorite ice cream? french silk is like a coffee and chocolate one thats really good. or chocolate cherry garcia

what was the last thing you had to drink? apple cider spiked with fireball

do you like your wallet? no,it’s too big and i need a new one

what is the last thing you ate? I made sesame chicken and rice for dinner

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nope!

what’s the last sporting event you watched? probably hockey. probably the red wings.

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? a lot of butter and salt or the sour cream and onion seasoning you can get

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my mom

ever been camping? Yes and I miss it so bad! I wanted to go this year but no one wanted to come with

do you take vitamins? i started taking a gummy multivitamin a month ago

do you regularly attend a place of worship? Nope! definitely agnostic

do you have a tan? I burn and then go back to being a ghost

do you prefer Chinese or pizza? Pizza

do you drink your soda through a straw? Not usually

what color socks do you usually wear? i love colorful socks! my favorites right now are pink with pineapples on them

do you ever drive above the speed limit? i usually drive a couple over on regular roads, but 10 over on the expressway

what terrifies you? hm, maybe being lonely for the rest of my life?

look to your left, what do you see? black nail polish and War of the Foxes by Richard Siken

what chore do you hate most? dishes! I love to cook and bake but it always means so many dishes!

what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? surfers probably? and would ask them why the fuck they’re in MI and how they’re faring with the weather

what’s your favorite soda? its pop and i love coke zero

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive-thru

what’s your favorite number? 19 or 22

who’s the last person you talked to? irl? my friend lauren who came to visit last weekend

favorite cut of beef? I like a good NY strip steak, but I’m cheap so for cooking I would just get some chuck

last song you listened to? Space Ghost Coast to Coast by Glass Animals

last book you read? i’ve been reading a Lot of fanfic lately, so the last book was a month ago when I picked up the Heartstopper graphic novel

favorite day of the week? Friday. I can usually sign off work early and make it a really long night

can you say the alphabet backwards? yep

how do you like your coffee? first thing in the morning? black. if im getting it from a place? either cold brew or a macchiato 

favorite pair of shoes? a second hand pair of combat boots

time you normally get up? it varies but usually around 9 since i’ve been working from home

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets! they’re so pretty

how many blankets on your bed? two

describe your kitchen plates. they’re boring. cream with darker speckles

describe your kitchen at the moment. Sink? Mess. Counter? Okay. Table? overrun with a home office and a fresh loaf of banana bread

do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? my go to cocktail is anything with pineapple and tequila. usually i just get a cider or citrus-y light beer

do you play cards? the only thing i know how to play is euchre, but i also play a mean game of uno

what color is your car? black

can you change a tire? my dad showed me once, but every time i’ve popped a tire its been raining and i was too scared to do it myself

your favorite country? idk i need to travel more to find out

favorite job you’ve had? I worked as a set up tech/office assistant for a medical simulation center used for training medical students and other healthcare ppl. i was a very hands on and interesting job where i never did the same thing twice. i would have loved to stay there but it was only part time

I tag: whoever wants to

[lyssismagical]

Say That I’m a Rainbow

Read on AO3

Day Two of Whumptober: Explosion 

Peter puts his head down on the cold wood of his school desk, taking a deep breath. This is something he’s kept a secret for far too long and it’s starting to take its toll on Peter’s wellbeing.

Tony doesn’t know Peter’s bisexual.

And sure, Peter’s dealt with this being a secret for far too long, and Tony’s not the type of person to assume someone’s sexuality, but Peter had panicked a few months ago and told Tony he was straight. It was stupid, Peter was just more terrified than he’d like to admit.

He tried to push down all his emotions and he tried to pretend that he wasn’t bothered by the hetero-teasing he was getting. Yeah, MJ’s really pretty, she’s sweet and pretty, and Tony teases him about his friendship with MJ, but he almost wants to get teased about being friends with Harley who’s also pretty.

He’s not in the position to be in a relationship right now with his insanely busy schedule and the fact that he nearly dies on the daily, he wouldn’t want to put anyone through that kind of stress, but he wants to be able to talk about girls and boys with somebody.

Sure, he’s got May, who’s great. She’s always been one hundred percent supportive of Peter’s sexuality, even when Peter talked about a famous couple for a week nonstop, both of them being just so pretty. She’s so supportive, but sometimes Peter wants to talk to the closest thing he’s got to a father-figure about how big Thor’s muscles are or how gracefully Natasha moves when she fights without it being a big deal.

“You know there’s a really easy solution to this,” MJ says, barely even looking up from her book. “You could just, you know, tell him.”

“What if he flips out? What if he takes my suit? What if-”

“Chill out. He’s going to take it well. He might be a little confused as to why you told him you were straight. Which, I’m still confused about, but I’m just saying, just tell him you’re bi like in Brooklyn Nine-Nine.”

“You remember how well that went for her,” Peter says, rolling his eyes. “This is a big deal!”

MJ sighs, finally setting her book down on the table. “I know it is, Peter. I’ve been dealing with ignorant assholes for as long as I can remember. I get it. It’s hard. But Tony is a good person, he’ll understand. Plus, doesn’t he swoon over Captain America like all the time.”

Peter just groans in response, putting his head back on the table a little harder than necessary. He knows there’s like a 98% chance that Tony will be totally okay with this, but it’s that little uncertain two percent that he thinks will ruin his entire life. Tony holds too much power over him, like his suit and his Lab Nights and the Avengers and the possibility of their relationship blossoming into something closer to father-son.

Though, Peter’s more than aware that they’ll never be able to be a father-son relationship until Peter stars unravelling the lies he’s told.

Starting with how he told Tony he was straight.

“I can’t believe you brought up Captain America during my sexuality crisis. I can’t handle anymore emotions right now,” Peter grumbles angrily.

“It’s not a sexuality crisis,” Ned says, dropping his tray of food onto the table across from Peter. “You already know your sexuality.”

“That doesn’t help! She brought up Captain America while I was having a crisis. That turns anything into a sexuality crisis!”

“You’re hopeless,” MJ says.

“Trust me, I know.”

*

Peter chickens out again at his Lab Night and over the next weekend and for the rest of the month, constantly opening his mouth but the words never form.

It all comes to a halt one day. An Avengers Mission.

The explosion knocks Peter off his feet, sending him flying backwards into the wall and to the floor, head smacking against the floor with a white flash of pain and then everything crumbles down around him.

*

He wakes up before he really remembers he was asleep in the first place. He thinks the dust around him is snow for a moment, brought back to a time when Ben took him up to Canada over Winter Break and they had so much fun in the snow. Reality comes crashing in when he realizes where he is.

“Peter?” he hears his name being called somewhere to his left. He turns his head slowly, feeling blood sticking to the side of his face. He squints through the settling dust and dirt, to find Tony not too far away from him.

“Wha’-” he tries, but his tongue is dry and useless, and his head is pounding.

“Bomb, I think. Rogers is on his way,” Tony informs. “We’ll just be down here for an hour at most. That looks nasty though.”

Peter looks down to try to find what Tony’s referring to, blood clinging to his jaw and sticking his curls to the side of his face. His arm is bent at an unnatural angle and there’s blood making the suit an even darker red.

“Shit,” he mutters, slowly lowering himself back to the ground as the tight space swims. He wishes those cartoons where real where if he hit his head, birds would fly in a little circle, but instead, the blood continues to drip and there’s no pretty blue birds to accompany the dizziness.

Tony’s suddenly at his side, cradling his limp body into the superhero’s suitless chest. The Iron Man suit is across the room, holding up the crumbling remains of the warehouse.

“You’re okay, kiddo, just a little banged up,” Tony says. Peter ignores the words and tries to focus on Tony’s worried brown eyes.

“’m I gonna die?” Peter slurs, blinking slowly up at the man. His man, he remembers. His… He doesn’t know who Tony is to him. “’cause if I do, I wanna… I wanna say s’mething.”

Tony sighs harshly through his nose. His mouth moves as he says something, but Peter’s ringing ears won’t pick it up, so he says it anyways.

“’m bisexual,” he says. He figures it’s probably not the best time, but he doesn’t want to die while Tony still thinks he’s straight. “No more lies.”

Tony says something again and Peter hates that he doesn’t know whether it’s negative or positive, but the soft calloused hands against his hair tell him it must be a positive reaction. His hair is gross and stick, he wants to tell Tony, but his mouth won’t cooperate anymore, limp and clumsy.

He vaguely remembers Tony’s hand, a constant pressure against the side of his head. There’s a flash of blue that he thinks might be Captain America and a blur of red that he assumes is Natasha. His body is moved and shaken, but he focuses on the steadying hand in his hair to make sure he doesn’t drift off. Something about sleep being bad for head wounds, he thinks. He’s not too sure if this counts as conscious, but he knows he’s not fully asleep, so he hangs on anyway.

In a weird sort of drifty-state, he focuses on Tony’s hand and the occasional pokes and prods from Doctor Banner, he assumes, and the hand that tucks into his at some point. He hopes it’s Captain America, but he doubts Tony would let Captain America hold his hand.

“You ‘kay?” he finds himself asking when he feels like maybe he’ll finally get to hear the response.

“Me?” Tony says and Peter’s just glad he can hear the exasperated response. “You’re the one lying in the hospital bed, you absolute dumbass. I cannot believe-”

“No,” Peter whines, blurrily squinting up at Tony. “’m bi.”

Tony sighs. “It’s in total Parker fashion that you decided to come out to me while you were on the brink of dying. That seemed very you, over-the-top and dramatic. Wouldn’t have it any other way, would you? Couldn’t spare me the heart attack?”

At Peter’s unimpressed expression, Tony continues, “Yes, I’m cool with your sexuality, kid. That shouldn’t have ever been doubted. Throughout my playboy phase, I slept with whoever would cross my path as long as they said yes. I know it’s not the same, but I wouldn’t have a negative reaction to anything like that. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about that sort of thing.”

Peter leans forwards, whispering as best as he can, he’s pretty he’s drugged up on his heavy painkillers, otherwise he’d have never said it out loud, but he still whispers, “Captain ‘merica and Miss Black Widow and Thor and everyone… They’re very pretty.”

Tony laughs loudly, pushing Peter back down onto the hospital bed, rolling his eyes overdramatically.

“Oh my god, kid. You’re going to be the death of me,” he jokes.

“I get ‘o watch ‘em train and their muscles, Mister Stark,” Peter continues dreamily. His silly celebrity crushes are on people he now gets to see on the daily. Tony can’t even begin to imagine how awkward that must’ve been the first time Peter talked to them. “They’re all just so pretty, it’s to’ally unfair.”

Tony nods along, rolling his eyes even more dramatically.

Peter gasps, “Have you seen girls? They’re so pretty, Mister Stark.”

“Counterpoint, boys are also very pretty as you’ve been pointing out.”

Peter groans dramatically, flopping back into the pillows. “You’re so right. How am I ever going to survive high school?”

“Get some sleep, Spider-Baby.”

“Sbider-Baby!” Peter exclaims, giggling. “Bider-Man!”

“Oh my god, if you continue, I’ll add sedatives to your IV’s.”

Peter falls quiet and Tony almost thinks he’s fallen asleep. Almost.

And then,

“Bambi.”

[beeexx]

Set after 2x6, Alex and Kyle talk about things.

You can read it here  on my ao3 too. Just a little snippet I wrote after everything so to say.

“I need a friend.” That’s the words Alex wakes up to when he finally crawls out of his bedroom to open the door to Kyle’s persistent ringing. His cheek has a crease from sleeping in a weird position on his pillow and his hair is sleep tousled.

At the sight of Alex Kyle’s eyebrow shoots upwards and his mouth open.

“Wait, were you sleeping?” Alex is too tired to feel bothered by the fact that he is indeed only wearing sweatpants and a blanket wrapped around himself.

“Maybe.” He mutters

“Dude, it’s like 1pm.”

“Yeah well…”

“Okay, maybe you need a friend too, can I come in?” Alex bites back the reply of we’re not friends which threatens to escape. Also, the fact that he steps aside to let Kyle in probably means they are. From behind him Kyle picks up two plastic bags and sidesteps Alex to get inside. 

“Just make yourself comfortable.” He mutters to the empty space and closes it slowly. His brain really hasn’t woken up enough for this. He walks into his bedroom and puts on a t-shirt and an old ratty jumper lying at the back of his closet. When he finally makes it to the kitchen where Kyle is he decides that Kyle and him are definitely friends because a cup of hot steaming coffee is pushed into his hands. He can’t help the moan he lets out at the sip he takes. Kyle just chuckles and leans back against the counter, looking happy. 

“So, what’s up?”

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay, if you’re not here to talk about it then why are you here?”

“Well it was this, the gym or gettin drunk, and before you ask, yes I already tried the gym. It didn’t do the trick. And the second option being alcohol, it is 1pm and I am not in the habit of getting drunk at that time, and I also have a job to go to tomorrow and I didn’t think you would appreciate getting drunk with me. Because, well because you have a job to go to as well. So I had to get creative and hanging out honestly seemed like the best option I had.”

Alex takes another sip.

 “Should I feel offended by the fact that I rank the lowest on that list?” 

“I thought you might say that so I bought bribing material.” He looks through one of the plastic bags and holds up a couple of Airheads and a packet of flaming hot Cheetos. Kyle wiggle his eyebrows.

“Yeah that is definitely not bad bragging material.” Alex puts the coffee down and takes the snacks off Kyle.

“I haven’t had Airheads in so long.”

“They used to be your favourite when we grew up.”

“You remember?” Alex is actually surprised to hear that.

“Of course I remember. I don’t even know why you like them so much but today I am definitely not judging because on the way here I stopped and probably bought mine and your weights combined in snacks.”

“You really must be having a bad day.” Alex laughs.

“I drove all the way here and brought enough snacks to give me diabetes in 20 years time, so yes I definitely am.” Kyle says and picks out a bag of Moams from the bags. Alex peeks over his shoulder to see that Kyle definitely wasn’t lying. The bags or filled up with different kinds of snacks to honestly last Alex 6 months. 

“Did you at least bring anything to drink with all of this?”

Kyle replies by taking out a six packs of Mountain Dew and Coke and Alex shakes his head but goes for the Mountain Dew.

“I haven’t had this shit since I was a kid, that’s for sure.” He takes out a glass and hands one to Kyle before he fills his glass up with the soda. He takes a sip and it tastes just like he remembers, sickly sweet. He takes an even bigger sip.

“So, what’s next then?”

“I have thought of that too my friend.” Kyle says and apparently he has because what he does next is that he he puts a stack of DVDs in front of Alex and steps back.

“Wow, you really have.” Alex leans over and looks at the selection. He spots Back to the Future at the top. 

“I have.”

“Star Wars? Really?” Alex holds the DVD up.

“Oh yes, I am desperate enough to watch Star Wars, that should tell you something.”

“Yeah, but Star Wars, that’s a new level even for you.”

Kyle snorts and pops some popcorn into his mouth. 

“I didn’t know you even owned this.” Kyle shrugs.

“I bought them a while back but I’ve not really had the time to watch them.”

“I see… well you know what sure. Let’s watch Star Wars.” Alex picks up one of the bags along with his snacks and walks into the living room, Kyle in tow. 

“This is a nice place.” Kyle notes as he lays himself down onto the couch like he owns the place. Alex lets him, just because he’s having a day. He sits down on the other end and opens up the Cheetos. 

“Thanks.”

“The military pay for this?”

“Yeah.”

“Hm, not bad.”

Alex picks up the DVD.

“Are you sure you want to watch this?”

“I’m probably the only 28 year old who hasn’t seen Star Wars, I feel like I’m missing out on part of my culture.”

“I mean yeah you probably are the only person our age who hasn’t seen this. You know you’re supposed to start with episode IV right?”

“What? How does that make any sense. Why?” 

Alex laughs at the obvious confusion Kyle seems to feel over this.

“George Lucas had the idea for Star Wars for a long time and while he was making the first film he had already figured out a lot of the backstory and what happened before it. But because he wasn’t sure it wouldn’t completely flop he waited to make the others after the success was already certain of the three first films.”

The room’s silent and Kyle’s looking at him like he’s slightly insane.

“Okay, you asked.” Alex says, his cheeks only heating a little.

“Yeah, no, okay that was totally on me. I did ask.”

Alex replies by chucking a Cheetos at his face and Kyle’s reflexes kick in and he catches it mid air. He looks proud and Alex just rolls his eyes. 

“Okay, are you sure you want to spend the afternoon watching Star Wars of all things? I’m sure I can find something that you’d actually enjoy.”

“Nope, I’m certain.” Alex relents and puts on episode IV. He’s having a little bit of a hard time  believing this whole to be fair but whatever if Kyle doesn’t want to talk about it then he’s not going to push him. 

Alex lasts about 40 minutes of munching snacks and drinking Coke like he’s 15 again, and a part of him enjoys it because he doesn’t have to think about…...things……. but he’s been living by his own motto when it comes to everyone which is that he left bullshit in Iraq. He sighs and presses pause.

“Hey, that Luke person was just about to do some training with the erm stick….oooo lightsaber, why did you turn it off?”

Alex is surprised Kyle actually seems to have grasped what is going on.

“The fact that you’re keeping up tells me this is serious enough that we need to have a conversation.”

Kyle’s eyes widens and he slumps down in his seat and crosses his arms.

“Are you pouting like a child??”

“No.” The tone is so petulant Alex laughs.

“Come on, what’s going on? I’m trying to be a friend now. For real totally trying.” Kyle grimaces

“I’d rather watch Luke Skytalker.”

“Walker.”

“Yeah, whatever, I’d rather watch him and Han Solo save Carrie Fisher.”

“Princess Leia, also you know who Carrie Fisher is?”

“Of course I know who she is, I was a jock but I wasn’t blind.”

Alex can buy that.

“Nope, we’re still talking.”

Kyle sighs and lies down completely on the couch. 

“Okay, well the other day was definitely weird. I’ve been avoiding Liz because, well I am struggling a little bit with having to deal with her choosing Max and me doing her every bidding which is clearly not healthy so I went to this gay bar just to get away a little from everything and I ran into Isobel. Now I like Isobel, and we danced and had a good time and then we were totally gonna sleep with each other but I chickened out because I kind of like this other girl so I went back to the hospital to see if she was still around only to find out that she was in surgery, all alone without telling me anything…. and I’ve been feeling kind of off since.” He rambles on.

“Wait, did you just tell me you went to a gay bar?” Alex cannot believe this. Kyle groans and hides his face.

“My hopes were that you would hyper focus on me and Isobel almost sleeping together rather than the gay bar part.”

“Oh you and Isobel almost sleeping together that doesn’t surprise me one bit to be honest. I thought it would happen sooner than this.”

“....what?” Kyle shouts.

“But you, Kyle ‘Hyper Masculine’ Valenti went to a gay bar?”

“Can we focus on the other parts of the story?”

“No, definitely not.”

“Ugh, well I’m very comfortable in myself and my sexuality thank you very much but even us straight guys enjoy putting glitter on our faces from time to time.”

“Oh my god.” Alex laughs, loving this. “You had glitter on your face?”

“Totally.”

“Please tell me you have pictures.”

“Sorry.”

“Well that’s just a crime, you went to a gay bar with glitter on your face and didn’t take any photos?”

“You can just come with me next time and see.”

“Honestly I might, it sounds very tempting.” Alex jokes and Kyle smiles. 

“Back to the issue please.”

“What is the issue exactly?”

“I don’t even know, I like Steff and I thought we had something going on. But now I’m worried about her too, and then the whole Isobel thing and it’s all just messed with my head.”

“I don’t mean to make it into a competition over who’s had a worse day out of the two of us, but I honestly think I win.” Alex says without thinking. His eyes widen and he shakes his head.

“No I mean nothing by that.”

“Pfft, you left bullshit in Iraq, well I left bullshit in high school, so what’s going on? I’m only going to assume it has something to do with you staying in bed like a teenager to 1pm.”

“I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this... Well I went with Maria to find out more information about her mom’s disappearance and we ended up in the middle of nowhere with this crazy guy who stabbed me in the chest and chased Maria through a cornfield. Michael came later too, but Maria had already disabled the guy by then and I was mostly fine. Then we find out the crazy guy has a twin who is well, not crazy and shoots his brother in front of us and tells us to call an ambulance and then get the hell out of there. Which we do and then after coming down from the adrenaline of almost dying well, I have a threesome with Maria and Michael….”

Kyle spits the soda out. 

“What the fuck?!”

“So I win then?”

“Oh totally, but also what the fuck? You had what now? A threesome?”

“Yeah.” Alex runs a hand through his hair and avoids looking at Kyle. 

“But you’re gay.”

“Yeah definitely.”

“Erm so why? I mean not that I’m against threesomes, you do you if you know what I mean. I am however having a little bit of trouble understanding why you slept with the love of your life and your best friend in this world?”

Alex tries not to flinch at the words because he’s kind of tried to stay in denial about the whole goddamn thing and when it’s put in the terms of love of your life and best friend in the whole world it sound really stupid.

He shrugs.

“I just… I just… I don’t know I didn’t want to be alone after everything that had just happened. I mean getting stabbed is not something that’s ever happened to me. It wasn’t exactly common when I was deployed so getting sneaked up on and then assaulted wasn’t something I wanted to go home to an empty house with. I have enough PTSD already and that was just doomed to set of insomnia for a while. So staying was better than leaving and then one thing led to another.”

“Wow man...that’s tough. How are you feeling?”

“How often do you think I end up sleeping to 1pm?”

“So, is this one of those instances where I have to go beat Michael up?”

Despite all it makes Alex smile. He feels grateful for Kyle.

“No it wasn’t his fault. And also we’re not in high school anymore, I could totally take the both of you on even with just one leg.”

“Yeah that’s definitely true. Well you say the word and I will drive over and drag him out the junkyard myself.”

Alex smiles again.

“Thanks, but no need.”

“So you’re not angry?”

“No no, not angry, I just…”

“He chose Maria again?”

Alex wonders if it’s all written on his face and that’s why Kyle seems to be able to read it all.

“No it’s not really that. I just. I feel anger towards my dad sometimes. Because he fucked me up so badly when I was young.”

“Hey hey, there’s nothing wrong with you.” 

Kyle puts his hand down between them on the sofa, leaving it there for Alex to take if he wants to. He exhales.

“I went to therapy after I lost my leg. It’s the first time I went. I should have gone way earlier because my pile of issues were huge even before I lost it. I was forced to go when I lost my leg, because even then I was convinced I didn’t need help. Because going to therapy is the weakest thing a man can do. That’s what I heard on repeat in my head when I was being wheeled into her office a month after the truck had exploded with me in it. It was his voice saying, “You’re weak Alex, you’re weak” over and over again…”

Kyle doesn’t say anything, Alex has turned his head away, staring in the opposite wall so he doesn’t have to look at Kyle’s face. 

But…

He does take Kyle’s offer up on support and grabs his hand on the couch in reassurance. Kyle grips it tightly and Alex continues.

“We didn’t really talk too much about my life before the Air Force. She was a good therapist, she really was but I wasn’t really there to unpack the trauma of having all my self worth being beaten out of me by my father, so we didn’t. Which is why, now that I’m back here that the things that happened before I enlisted have just been pushed away and undealt with for years. Which is not the ideal way of dealing with issues. They are all just being dragged back up again and I keep going in circles around it. So sleeping with Maria and Michael really wasn’t the solution to anything, but I’m not sure it made anything worse either.”

Kyle grasps his hand again encouraging him to go on. 

“Michael’s the only person I’ve ever had any sort of relationship with, the only person I’ve ever really wanted to be with too but when we met I was young and the issues had only just begun. Michael had his own set of problems too and while I am definitely guilty in how things went down between us then and now I still even now, I just…”

He starts scratching at a loose thread on the sofa, just to have something to do. 

“Love always comes with some sort of conditions. That’s all thanks to my dad… I can’t escape the feeling of every time I let myself be vulnerable something is going to happen that ruins it. That I’m not good enough or that I’m not loveable because I am who I am… I don’t like myself at times because my dad drilled that into me, that I am unlovable, and if I don’t love myself how is anyone else supposed to? I never feel secure either, in myself or any partner. It’s just a big mess tangled together.”

Alex takes breath and bites down the tears. Even talking about it is really hard for him. 

“I love Maria as a friend, but I guess she’s just had this ability to make me feel safe where no one else has, not even Michael. And it isn’t Michael’s fault really, because he didn’t know what I needed, how could he? I didn’t even know at the time… I just know that after what happened between us that it’s time to move on, move forward and demand better for myself. I just want more than what I’ve been given before…”

“Wow, I really should have brought alcohol shouldn’t I?”

Alex chuckles watery and looks over at Kyle who looks like he’s been hiding his own tears.

Ugh, not really how he planned for this day to go. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to put all that on you.” He clears his throat in embarrassment.

Kyle looks annoyed and pulls on Alex’s arm. He doesn’t understand but moves closer to Kyle. When he’s close enough Kyle wraps his arms around him and Alex is stunned into silence.

“Don’t ever apologize to me Alex. Especially not for something like this, okay?”

Alex nods silently and for a moment allows himself be held. After a while he distangles himself and moves away. Kyle lets him. 

“So, are you and Michael over then, for good?”

Alex takes a long moment before he replies.

“I always had this idea that we would end up together, but after everything I honestly don’t know any more. If I live long enough then maybe yeah in the future. But not for a while. I need some time to figure out who I am.”

“Okay, well even so, even after what you and Michael have been through, however bad it was at times it would make some sense too if you wanted to give yourself some time to mourn him and whatever you had together. If you don’t then that hole in your chest might just expand forever.” He says softly. Alex gulps and sighs, refusing to cry again.

“Y-yeah.”

They’re both quiet for a while, Alex just sitting with what he’s come to terms with.

“So, more Star Wars?” Alex nods and jumps on the distraction Kyle offers. He opens up a package of Maryland cookies and munches them down.

All this food is looking more and more like comfort food to him.

…….

Two films later Kyle is laying on the floor, crumbs on his chest and his head in his phone trying to figure out tiktok dances. Alex has taken up the whole couch and he feels drunk. He probably is going through a sugar high because his whole body is buzzing with energy.

“I can’t remember the last time I had this much sugar.” He groans and eats an M&M.

“Me neither.” Kyle is definitely looking way to concentrated on that tiktok thing.

“Kyle you’re almost thirty, are you sure there isn’t an age limit on the app?”

“Shut up.” Kyle mutters but puts the phone down. Alex snort and throws some popcorn at him.

“Do you have any food around?” 

Alex shrugs, he has no clue. Kyle groans but gets up and walks into the kitchen. He’s wearing a pair of Alex’s sweatpants that are way too small for him, but the day spent eating just junk food, the jeans he arrived in had long gone been discarded of. Kyle bangs about in the kitchen for a while and Alex doesn’t move because he’s kind of comfortable where he is.

“You have pizza, that will do.” Kyle declares and comes back out with the stack of DVDs that had been left in there earlier.

“So you pick something. I need something other than the force, lightsabers and aliens. I feel like we should both be done with aliens for the night.”

“Then why did you bring Infinity War?”

“What? I like that film.”

“God who are you?”

“What? It’s really good, also Captain America is inspiring.”

“Patriotism and steroids your thing Valenti?”

“Funny, no, well you know what he’s actually pretty hot and he’s workout routine is impressive as hell.”

“Honestly, I’m more into Robert Downey JR. and that man is over 50.” Alex quips back. Kyle looks thoughtful.

“Nah, still digging Chris Evans more.”

“I mean blondes were never my type.”

“Yeah that much is clear.” Kyle snorts. Alex throws some more popcorn at him and Kyle whacks him with a pillow.

They end up watching Legally Blonde instead and this is definitely one of the strangest days Alex’s ever had. But it’s also kind of the best ones he’s ever had too, not that he’s letting Kyle know that of course.

It gets late, way after 2am and Alex is not cruel enough that he is going to let Kyle drive home at that time.

“Okay, I’ll stay but I am taking the couch.” Kyle says. Alex scoffs.

“Don’t be ridiculous, this couch is really uncomfortable, it will mess up your posture for sure.” Kyle eyes it suspiciously.

“My bed is big enough for two.”

“Are you sure?” Kyle looks uncertain.

“I’m sure.” Alex says reassuringly. 

So, they end up sharing a bed just like they used to do when they were kids and things were good and normal between them. Also Alex’s bed is definitely big enough for the two of them. He invested in this bed when he decided to stay here long term. He’s spent too many years of his life sleeping in uncomfortable beds that he’s done with that forever. So he had splashed out on this because he deserved it. And he was nearing 30, his back definitely deserved it.

“This reminds me of us as kids.” Kyle says later when they are comfortable. Ales chuckles.

“Yeah same, I hope you’re not still a snorer.”

“I haven’t snored a day in my life.”

“That’s definitely a lie and you know it.”

Kyle laughs and fake snores. Alex snorts at the ridiculousness of it all.

He falls asleep feeling a little better though.

……..

At 4:30 am they are abruptly woken up by someone knocking on his door.

“What the fuck?!” Kyle groans. Alex doesn’t even turn over, instead he starts poking Kyle’s arm. He refuses to get up. Kyle groans some more but after a while he gives in and leaves.

Alex is so tired he doesn’t even listen for who it is. That’s a mistake.

The person who has decided to come disturb him at this god forsaken hour appears to be Isobel, and her voice is loud. 

“Oh my god Kyle, you left the bar a changed man I see. I can’t believe you slept with Alex.”

Alex sits up immediately, as quick as he can with just his one leg and pulls the duvet up to cover himself. Her eyes trail over him and Alex brains clicks into action because that’s definitely what this looks like to an outsider. Kyle comes running in, his hair a mess, shirtless and still looking half asleep.

“That’s definitely not what happened.” He says, Isobel narrows her eyes.

“Well it’s not really any of my business. I hope you used protection.” She sits down on the bed and Alex doesn’t understand what is happening because Isobel and him are definitely not close, and for her to sit down on the bed like she knows him is strange as hell. 

“What are you doing here Isobel?” He asks.

“Oh, well we’ve been trying to get in contact with both of you for hours, but none of you have been replying. You usually answer when Michael or Maria calls but you dodged those too, which is strange but whatever.”

Alex honestly doesn’t even know where his phone is, he hadn’t looked at it all day yesterday, so he definitely has no clue what has been going on in the life of people outside this house.

“But after everything that happened I felt like being nice and charitable and drive all the way over here. I also thought you’d be up by now Captain, doesn’t your day start at 5 normally?”

Normally yeah, he might be up by this time, but not when he’s consumed his own weight in sugar and gone to bed late while dealing with things, then he doesn’t.

“So I’m charity now?” He says instead.

“Something like that, come on let’s get going. Chop Chop.”

“What happened?” Kyle asks.

“Max remembers something, from a dream maybe. Alarming things, so come one. I’ll buy you two coffee on the way there.” 

She blows a kiss at Kyle and leaves the room. Kyle gives him a look at Alex sighs.

Yep, no rest in Roswell, that’s for sure.

[pyschopathnextdoor]

god damnit. illenium & call me karizma.

night of thirteenth november/morning of fourteenth. two thousand and eighteen. i still couldn't stop thinking about it. my biggest regret; realised before it even happened. i was in the bus; traveling to manali, for my school tour. my friend sat beside me; asleep. the whole bus was silent. not a single sound except the momentary sound of passing vehicles from the window. every alternate seat, a different colored light bulb shone; making the darkness not prevail. i checked my phone; it was three am.

we had just entered himachal pradesh and we're travelling in the valleys. i took a peek and saw the most astonishing view i had ever watched. this was the time i realised what nature, not even at its peak was. for a good forty second i was lost, not in my thoughts; but the scenario. i recalled; for the infinith time, what had happened. that was the one single time; i could've met her. in person. and i knew how badly i wanted that to happen. it had been over 500 days. 550 to be preise, the last time i saw her. never knew back then. just how fast the night changes.

and i ruined it. the fear was irrational. i knew it was; but couldn't let myself believe that. ive wished a lot of things to change; but this was the only time i really wanted to. what was there to loose? even if she had remembered; what bad could've happened? i hadn't talked to her since idk when. still; i chickened out. hate the fact.

i was wondering when will my friend call. this was kind of the perfect place. a damned garden. cliche. i knew she was coming; so i had asked my friend for a headstart. because the reason she was here was my friend; and not me. classic catfishing. and then my phone rang. i saw the name and took a couple of breathes before picking. the chills. which obviously made my friends walking with wonder what a freak i was. i picked up and yes, she was here. my friend asked me to meet her near the bridge, so we all could go together to "meet" her. i filled the friends who didn't had a clue what was happening up on the way to the bridge. and that's how it began.

i asked everyone to leave without me, as i needed a minute; to process what was about to happen. and knowing them, i knew they wouldn't go; and that's what happened. everyone started persuading me which just made me go back to the time when i fucked it up for me. after about ten minutes i finally persuaded them to go, as she was waiting outside. and so they left.

i sat the very spot we had been arguing in; which was apparently the pathway of the garden; and it bright me some very wierded out stares. but i wasn't it the moment. i so badly wanted to go; because this was, believe it or not; the last time we would meet. ever. but i couldn't. my heart was racing; my whole body was steaming; i was sweating in literal cold; my mind was a blur; made up of an unknown entity and her. two things; and yet i didn't had a clue what was happening. someone poked me from the back which made me realise where i was. i stood up and headed for the entrance. i wasn't sure if i could do this; but i tried anyway. about a 100 metres from the entrance i heard a voice; and i broke the fuck down.

now i definitely didn't planned on a fictional movie scene. me going in and she being all happy and cheery; rather i imagined it hella awkward; not knowing what to say type awkward. but when from the side of the archway of the entrance, i saw her; actual her; i realised it was real. she was here. five hundred and fifty damned days went past without seeing that blessing of a face. but the biggest blast of euphoria i had ever felt in my life was overtook by the fear rather quickly. i stared her a good twenty seconds; saw her laugh and turned back and went back inside.

the next thirty minutes are still a blur. i still don't know what happened between the time i turned back, and almost ran. there were group pictures and all kinds of shit happening around; but i was feeling the most fucked up i ever felt. finally; i realised everyone was moving out. i guess it was time. i tried to sneak out through the crowd so that i go unnoticed. but the moment i stepped out of the entrance and into the parking; i felt someone pulling me. it was a friend; shouting, "she wants to meet you, comeon dude." i was too lost at this point. i don't remember but i either pushed him or shouted but eventually let myself free and ran into the bus. the first actual time i cried; but had no control. i sat in my seat; put my head on the seat above seat; pulled my headphones out and. tears were streamlining. i had no control over myself anymore; not that i had any in the last couple of hours. my head was bursting at this point. i tried using my peripheral view to have a final glance but it was blatantly unsuccessful. this was it.

my biggest failures in life is knowing i never tried.

the weather was seriously chill now. the trees still looked the same. unmistakably beautiful. i realised, it had started to rain; not heavy but it was. this winter sure wasn't a normal one. i remembered about the one hindi chapter i had this year, in which the author described the hills and wilderness of sikkim; and i now that i was actually witnessing; i did realised this world really is precious.

[luvdsc]

so far we have mint, raisins, cantaloupe, cannoli, potato and lots more! we can make a whole picnic ashshja i can also add some chicken n_uggets, now all i need is you!!💞 my pick up lines have run out and i can't think of anymore huhu😖 ooh!! ive always loved playing basketball as a hobby and especially when PE rolled around. i can't relate much on the robotics but for piano i can! my parents forced me to play but i quit after 1 year of playing and tbh now i regret it sm :(( (1/3)

volunteering is such a lovely thing to do! what do you usually do? for me, school usually makes us volunteer once every year and like sometimes we go to orphanages, school for the disabled, nursing homes and other stuff! unfortunately i haven't had the chance to do it this year since covid struck and im missing all the activities!! omo from the way you say it, college really is jammed pack huh? im glad youre able to juggle it around well!! (im supposed to start this year eekkk) (2/3)

idk why but i have a feeling that our time zones differ a lot ahhzha but the weather isn't far different from mine!! its always around 85 - 95 degrees here, really warm and somewhat hot if you're not used to it, lots and lots of sunshine (i'm lucky if theres wind lol) i hope the weather is better for you today. don't forget to stay happy and have fun!♡ (i havent had the chance to read your newest fic yet but im going to rn!!!) (3/3)

✿ ✿ ✿

I LOVE CHICKEN NUGGETS OMG ESPECIALLY THE DINO SHAPED ONES!!!! Also, it’s official, we’re going on a picnic, whilst sitting six feet apart because social distancing is still important 💕 and that’s ok, honey bee!!! I have plenty to share :’) i hope you aren’t too tired because you’ve been running through my mind all day! 💓 omg yesss, basketball was always super fun in PE! Which position did you usually play? I also really liked pinball and soccer during PE. Omg aw ): well you can always get back into it! 💖 A couple of my friends are taught themselves the piano, and they’re really good!

I was able to experience all different types of volunteering! In 6th-12th grade, I volunteered often at a nonprofit that had a food bank where I package food and handed them out and a clothing donation center where I sorted through and hung up the clothes. I also volunteered at a nursing home in 8th grade regularly, and the seniors there were so lovely :’) And during the holidays, my family and I would volunteer at another place where we wrapped presents for little kids! I also volunteered weekly in a nearby hospital’s patient services for four years in hs where I discharged patients, talked to them regularly, and played the piano in various floors. And I helped with bake sales and donation drives through the community service club in hs! In college, I did a year long volunteering fellowship where I worked with students at a nonprofit trade school every week for 25 hours and helped them write resumes and cover letters and prepare for interviews! I also planned and organized two career fairs with over 50 businesses each and discussion panels!! And I worked with that trade school again for my senior project and came up with several lesson plans and revamped their old lesson materials :) oh, and I really enjoy community garden cleanups and coastal beach cleanups!!

your school sounds amazing! Does the whole class go together or do you get to choose where you want to volunteer? Ah yeah, unfortunately, covid halted everything ): college life is definitely hectic, but also one of the most fun years in your life! 💛 You get to experience the exciting parts of being an adult without actually being an adult if that makes sense?? I’m so excited for you, I hope you have the best time at college 💕💕 Omg wait does this mean you just graduated hs? if so, congratulations, honey bee!!! ✨

Oooo, my time zone is pst!!! What’s yours if you don’t mind me asking? Oh god, it’s always like that for you? Do you go outside a lot in that weather? It’s like that here in the summer, and I hate it, but I’m just grateful that there’s no humidity here :’) but yes, the weather is much better today!!! 🤩🤩 it’s 70, but it’s windy and cloudy 💗 how’s your weather like today? And thank you so much, sweetpea!!! 🥰 I hope you’re having a good weekend and having fun as well! And omg thank you for reading, lovebug!!! 🐝🌷 I hope it doesn’t disappoint :’)

[bby-namjoon]

Mafia AU: BTS - NamjoonxReader

{Part 1} {Part 2}

——————————

Your head was spinning as you slowly opened your eyes, the faint yellow of passing streetlights illuminating the back seat of the car every few seconds. It took you a moment to realise what had happened and that you was in the back of a moving vehicle. Your heart began to race and you were about to scream and freak out, ready to lunge for the door handle or to smash a window out to dive to your safety when a hand touched your hair, making you flinch and look up.

Namjoon.

Your movement made him turn his attention from the view out the window and down to your face. “You’re awake, thank god. Are you okay?”

“She’s awake?” another voice spoke up from the front seats and you realised it was Jungkook, his head appearing from around the passenger seat to see for himself. “I’m surprised, I thought she’d be out for hours.” You were confused, your disorientated mind beginning to swirl with questions but your mouth wasn’t cooperating to ask them out loud; What was happening? How did you get here? Was your father dead or alive?

“Y/N?” Namjoon spoke up again, waiting for an answer to his previously asked question.

You shook your head, dazed eyes looking up at him as your head rested against his thigh. He frowned as he realised you were too weak to say anything, instead he offered you his hand and you outstretched some of your fingers from their place on your stomach, not quite able to lift your palm along with them. In response he placed his hand on top of yours, gently giving it a reassuring squeeze as you looked up at him, an evident frown still plastered across his face as he turned his attention back out the window. This was the last thing you saw before your heavy eyelids fell closed, the chemicals running through your bloodstream still prominent.

The next time you awoke you was in a bed with your arm attached to an IV, your head was a little dazed but you could actually see and think straight unlike the last time you’d regained consciousness. You looked around, quickly realising that this wasn’t a hospital you was in, but a bedroom. Was you alone? Your hand reached for the IV, ripping it from your arm with a wince as you pulled yourself out of bed. You wavered a little as you got to your feet, your body not used to the sudden amount of movement you were making after being passed out for god knows how long.

The marble floor was cold against your feet as you walked towards the door, your reflection catching your eye. Your hair was an absolute mess but it was the least of your worries. You reached for the door handle and pulled it open, stepping out into the hallway. You stood still for a moment, taking in your surroundings before walking towards the staircase at the end of the hall. As you neared the stairs you could hear voices coming from the floor below and you felt a sense of relief when you heard the familiar laugh of Hoseok.

You held the rail as you walked down, following the echo of the boys voices. You was just about to enter the room when Jin walked out, a look of shock on his face when he saw you stood before him.

“Aish! You scared me!”

“I’m sorry!” you apologised and he shook his head,

“It’s fine, I just didn’t expect to see you stood in front of me, I’m glad you’re awake, you should’ve called for one of us to help you.”

“She’s been passed out you idiot, she didn’t even know where she was” Hoseok spoke up as he appeared in the doorway. “You look like hell by the way, how are you feeling?

“Lightheaded and like I need a shower..” you begun, your eyes looking past the two men before you. “Is Namjoon here? I-I need to know what’s going on.”

“He’s out but when he’s back I’m sure he’ll be able to answer some of your questions, but no promises.”

You frowned at his response, knowing full well Namjoon was very careful with what he lets slip. Jin saw the look on your face as you chewed on your bottom lip, you looked helpless. “Anyway!” he piped up, “you need to eat and drink something, we don’t want you passing out again. We’ll make you some food and you can go and have a bath or a shower or whatever you wanna do, we were told to look after you so that’s what we’ll do.”

He put his hand on the small of your back and led you back towards the staircase, taking you to the bathroom. “Where am I, Jin?” you asked as you sat down on the closed toilet seat, watching him warm up the shower water.

“You’re at Namjoon’s,”

“He has a really nice house,” you reply as you look around the bathroom, “it’s fancy.”

He laughed a little, “yeah, he’s got good taste.”

“Do you know what’s happening?”

He turned to me, drying his wet hands on a towel that was hung beside him. “To be totally honest, I don’t. We’re working it out and until we do, we can’t really give you any answers.”

“Have you told the police? Are they investigating?”

“No,”

“Why? We need to catch those men, what if they’ve hurt my dad? Oh my goodness, my dad!” it had only just fully dawned on you that your father could also be in grave danger. Why wouldn’t they tell the police?

“Y/N, please just wait for Namjoon to get back, and hopefully he can clear this up a bit better for you. I really can’t say anything more.”

You put your head in your hands and he pulled you in for a hug, your face becoming pressed against his stomach as your arms wrapped around his waist.

When you regained your composure he left and told you he’d lay a change of clothes out for you on the bed that you’d woken up in. You’d thanked him and undressed, climbing into the tub and standing under the showerhead, the hot water rushing over your body.

You couldn’t help but think and think and think as you stood beneath the water, your hands scrubbing at your body a little harder out of hope that the soap would clean the bad thoughts from your mind like it cleaned your skin.

When you got out you wrapped a towel around your body, plodding across the corridor and back to the room you’d slept in. Jin had left some folded clothes on the bed along with a brush, some moisturiser and there was also a pair of slippers were now sat on the floor beside where you stood.

What a sweetheart.

You dried your body and hair, running the brush through your damp locks before moisturising and picking up the clothes.

These were definitely Namjoon’s.

You hesitated before pulling the black trackbottoms up your legs, surprised that the man you’d only ever seen in fitted suits even owned clothes like this. Lastly you pulled the longline black tee over your head and tucked it in, sliding your feet into the slippers.

You dropped your used towel into the washing basket and excitedly jogged downstairs, the smell of chicken and ramen making your stomach rumble. You had eagerly thanked the boys as the three of you sat down to eat, your bowl being filled to the brim. It turned out you’d been in and out of consciousness for 2 days so the fact your stomach just couldn’t get enough had started to make sense.You was in the middle of eating when you heard the front door open and close and the sound of voices drifted through the air to the dining area.

“Whoa, she’s risen!” Yoongi announced as he saw me sat at the table, his hands automatically going for Hoseok’s chopsticks and lifting some noodles from the pot and sucking them into his mouth.

“Welcome back,” Jungkook smiled, taking the chopsticks from Yoongi and repeating his actions.

“Namjoon will be pleased about this,”

“Namjoon will be pleased about what?” he asked as he walked in, “has anyone checked on-” and when he saw you sat at the end of the table a look of surprise was in his eyes. “You’re awake!”

You nodded and he walked closer, his eyes scanning you to see if he could sense how you were feeling without even asking. “Can we talk?”

He sighed at your words and everyone got tense, getting up from their seats. “We’ll give you two some space..” and as they filed out they caught Tae at the door, dragging him with them. By their reaction you could guess that this wasn’t going to be good, the rate of your heart picking up out of anxiety.

“Are you wearing my clothes?” he asked as he took a seat, amusement across his face as he tried to ease the elephant in the room.

You nodded, “Jin gave them for me to wear after I showered..sorry. He and Hoseok also said that when you’d get home, you’d maybe be able to answer some of my questions..?”

“I already know what you’re going to ask, so hear me out. I don’t know where your father is, he hasn’t picked up any of my calls. Those men that came for you are bad news, and I’m not going to explain how I know them because that’s irrelevant, but what you can know is that they were sent after you by a person you don’t want to get involved with, and I don’t think they knew I’d be with you that night, but I don’t even want to imagine what would’ve happened if I wasn’t, because they wanted to get to you and since they didn’t want to kill you on sight, it means that there’s some sort of plan going down and we need to work out what that plan is, and why it’s even taking place. When the man got to you he injected you with a strong ketamine which is a sort of date rape drug that causes you to pass out, and that’s why you’ve been in and out for a couple days but I got my doctor to help you and since you’re awake I’m assuming that you’ll be okay by the end of today. As you can probably tell, my job title does go beyond just trade, and one day I may tell you the depths of the truth, but until then I need you to trust that I am going to protect you, I will help to find your father and we will get to the bottom of this. Just know that the police aren’t involved for good reason, I just need you to trust me and also trust my boys. Do you understand that?” His tone was firm but you could tell he was telling you the truth.

You nodded, “I trust you..Thank you for putting yourself at risk to save me.”

He shook his head, “It’s okay, you’re a good person. You don’t deserve to get mixed up in all this.”

“So what does this mean? Do I need to hide out here forever?”

“I think for now it’s best for you to stay here and lie low. As long as I’m with you, you’ll be fine.”

You sighed and he reached out, squeezing your hand.

“You’re lucky you wasn’t awake to hear them make a big deal about those hickeys on your neck.” he smiled and your hand went up to touch where he was looking,

“I completely forgot about them, are they bad?”

“They’re faded now but they used to be a lot worse,”

“What was they saying?”

“They were just being nosey and asking what we were up to and if we were fucking.”

You scrunched your nose at his use of crude words, “we didn’t even get to that.”

“It’s a shame, I think we’ve both been fantasising about it for a while..I know I still do.” he smirked, his hand falling to your thigh and giving it a squeeze. You couldn’t help but smile, he was just so cheeky and confident and he so easily took your mind away from the situation, making your thoughts wander to the intriguing idea of him bending you over and bringing both of your imaginations to life. “Maybe one day soon I’ll get to see you in nothing but my t-shirt, and when you’re ready for that, you know where I’ll be.” he hummed as he stood up, purposely leaning close to your ear and letting his lips graze your skin as he pushed to his feet.

You just knew that he’d be the death of you, but that’s if someone else doesn’t get to you first.

{Part 3}

[palukoo]

so a couple months ago i relistened to w359 and made a 18000 word document while doing so containing iconic quotes, my reactions, feelings, et cetera. heres some highlights with varying amounts of context. (theres lowkey spoilers for the whole series btw)

""""i empathize too much""""

crazy how i still vividly remember walking outside [my old job] and to starbucks while listening to the spider ep... trauma

i mean i dont love it but it makes me feel things

GABRIEL THATS TOO ON THE NOSE

"let me have my badass space chick victory cocktail"

god like i AM team what wrong with handcuffs but I WOULD NOT HESITATE to kill hilbert for hera

the girlssss are fightinggg

THE SAD W359 MUSIC IS KILLING ME

like memoria who maxwell who jk jk

i love you renee minkowski marry me

local idiot's heart is in the right place

HARPOOOOOOONSSSS

lovelace lovelace lovelace loveLACE LOVELACE

"maybe she's some kind of clone thing" EIFFEL... this is day 1!!!

i hate these self sacrificial idiots

no no no not this music again ill cry

yall are so emotionally stunted it fucking hurts but damn if you dont care

literally how are they still alive

i want to hug her so much omg

alan rody shut the FUCK up im crying

rip zach valenti's throat

face the death reality via math

jacobi being a piece of shit

maxwell said lets kill hilbert rights

this is a kepler hate blog

minkowski thinking her emotions dont matter to the mission oh ho ho

"youre gonna straighten up" cutter they cant theyre not straight

maxwell and jacobi show up and blow up lads

"and you should really be more careful with your queen" KEPLER WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

wolf 359 stop making me stan these literally terrible people

FUNZO FUNZO FUNZO

i am caring about men tonight lads

theyre both awful sure go ahead have history

hilbert you interrupted their emotional moment they wouldve had a MOMENT

hera said im gay

ohhhh nooo interpersonal conflict makes me sad

hug minkowski rn

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC jacobi and maxwell are iconic

minkowski how did you not kill him

how much do yall use the words "good enough" and "cant"

"are you an alien" GOD the Hints

"one of our... sexier jobs" vs "this is gonna said less sexy after that"

eiffel stop cockblocking them

y'all's choice of pronouns IS illuminating

PROTECT HERA AT ALL COSTS

aw eiffel... minkowski... communication is KEY

oh yeah THATS what the psi wave regulator is for.... SURE

hilbert read the room

JACOBI you can't just describe minkowski like that without giving me a heart attack

how many times have all these bitches almost died

SORRY ANYTHING THEY SAY I LOSE IT

oh minkowski finally flipped (VALID)

oh wait that fact isnt fun at all and im literally crying

LIKE sometimes you save someone's life at great personal risk only to kill her a little while later

minkowski cries to “back to before” from ragtime

i feel to many things about the gals here idk what to tell you i love them thats the problem

its gay and it hurts!

lovelace laughing at people who can and will kill her... hot

OH WERE STARTING LOVELACES SELF SACRIFICE ALREADY

they let lovelace say FUCK

OH WAIT NO I FORGOT ITS WORSE

THANKS FOR MURDERING ME WITH YOUR TEARY ANGRY VOICE

ouchie anyways gay or no but also gay

hilarious and sad at the same time?

MAXWELL dont be a bitch... i expect this from jacobi and honestly i actually expect this from maxwell too but i dont like it

NO NOT THIS MUSIC

BROTP BROTP BROTP

i cant say anything else im too busy crying

UGH I COULD WRITE ESSAYS ON MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS THE MESSAGE THE TAKEAWAY BROADLY THE PERSONAL EMOTIONAL ANGUISH THE DESIRE TO HUG HERA ITS

im mad but thank you... all of you... explain... 

stop stop stop im literally so tense gone straight from sobbing to freeze instinct

GOD I HATE ALL THESE SURVIVALS GUILT IDIOTS

OH theyre all about uncertainty... the what ifs... okay... ouch ouch ouch

give everyone awards for bolero

eris are you gay

she said gay rights and AI rights

like i know i know we been knew but goddard really is so awful

Hera stop narrating Lovelace’s ongoing existential crisis

HOW IS THIS NOT GAY (I know how it’s not gay but. Let me have this)

KEPLER stop giving Lovelace insecurities and existential crises

Team back off lovelace for the win

like not to be dramatic but her arc is beautiful

oh boy thats my girlsssss

THATS FLIRTING MINKOWSKI

god i love that concern for your gf keep it up minkowski

COMMUNICATION? WITH THIS CREW? BOLD

GOD angrey hera is great

you know hera is having the time of her life witnessing it

eiffel you just ruined their romantic moment

minkowski is gonna kill them

a much better gayer more altruistic light

WE’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT COMMUNICATION

WAIT I WAS BEING CANON DAMN I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CREATIVE AND PERHAPS OOC BUT IM IN THE CLEAR I GUESS

god hera has needed to snap at eiffel for so long

i can already feel myself about to get hit with the tears... the emotions

that shit hits different renee

The implications that Goddard like destroyed global warming omfg

it’s the moral grayness babeyyy

when it hits you with minkowski's shaky sigh first thing you know its gonna hit different

MINKOWSKI i need you to. love yourself as much as i love you

GOD the mutual concern they always have for each other is touching whether or not you think its gay. i think its gay

HERA WOULD YOU ASK A COW TO NOT BE A COW

oh of COURSE they cut coms first

lovelace is man, butterfly is quote, it says "is this flirting"

jacobi i need you to chill

but jacobiiiii thats lovelaces schtick

oh eiffel... you fucking idiot who gets really lucky sometimes

this game of chicken where theyre both chickens and kepler doesnt know any of that and each of them only know half

minkowski said im an ethics teacher now

who taught minkowski empathy in high stress situations?

yeah so i stay hitting the nail on the head

“kepler SHUT UP” is what brings everyone together

this is, como se dice.... kinda gay

this statement does not bode well for that

“Maybe less talking to yourself” he says to himself

ugh, to be Pop Culture Man™️

RACHEL i love you even tho I also hate you

Rachel if you make one more hand joke I’ll lose my mind

HER NAME!!!! IS HERA!!!! And I love her!!

i have a vivid mental image of post-series eiffel doing stand up like chris fleming style 

"my crew has made it very clear through a series of looks and gestures that one more slip up and i am out, thats it, so im taking this job very seriously"

"minkowski is very overprotective in a weird, erratic way, like when your seat belt randomly locks and its like i appreciate what youre trying to do but im going 4mph in a drive way."

"so when something like this happens you have to at least consider going away for a long time and living on a cursed space station"

"you know how when maxwell and hera are talking ive never felt less needed, you know, like ‘cause you guys would be totally happy alone on a rock in the middle of a lake"

"this is the kind of body you look at and go he'd probably be ok in space without a space suit"

the whole "theater kids" video is actually him going off about minkowski

minkowski is too swole for her own good

jacobi im gonna need you to take the redemption arc more seriously

i love my crazy crazy bitches

this FUCKING music

GOD HOW DOES PRYCE JUST ALWAYS GET WORSE

she just like mutilated that man he is doa absolutely destroyed one hit ko

can you tone down the gay, sweetie

you did it you broke rachel and Goddard down to their bare essentials

GOSH shes so AWKWARD 

so damn jacobi was just IMMEDIATELY ride or die for maxwell

this is too much for my poor baby heart

pryce & carter literally are just like lets do eugenics, lets do genocide

when hera says ill pull a yall and sacrifice myself for minkowski and lovelace 

god like cant believe KEPLER got a redemption arc (well not arc but you know)

ah yes the most tragic scenes all take place at once :)

I HAD TO STOP LISTENING TO BRAVE NEW WORLD CAUSE IT MADE ME TOO CRAZYYYY

THE SCRIPT SAID IT NOT ME

i love space moms!

this fucking music ALAN RODY IM SUING FOR DAMAGES

like the document also does have a lot of like deep thoughts and meta and parallels and discussion of motivations but this is just fun random things i said

[plounce]

anyway while i was browsing thru blogs i got reminded how much i like the t*ylor sw*ft song “forever and always” since my mom bought the album for us when i was like 13? 14? anyway i listened to that and since i am always ready to just sort of talk about my mother i will talk about my mother now. “ive been dying to talk about my mother!”

anyway i was listening to that particular tsw*ft song (a lyrics video on youtube because she will get NO clicks from me) and thinking about how my mom bought that album for us because she saw it was The Hot Cool Teen Girl Thing and that is yet another thing my mother presented to us in an attempt to help us fit in with the feminine majority that she has also always felt alienated from! the makeup she bought us for christmas and presented to us, but never helped us learn how to use it because she had no idea how to use it. some nail polish and then later eye shadow palettes. limp efforts because we didn’t really ask for it, beg for it, seek it out, but neither did we reject it. we just wavered in this strange place beneath culturally relevant femininity. i never saw my mother really be feminine. she was a woman, dressed like a woman, wasn’t really tomboyish or masc in any way, she was just... plain. she didn’t make a special effort to be especially feminine. her face is bare and her hair is kind of scraggly and thin and untreated and for most of my youth she wore t shirts and jeans - only in the last six years or so has she worn shirts that are a little fancier, bought things one step above. only one step! nothing really out of pattern. just one step up.

i saw my childhood best friends’ mothers dye their hair, i still see my friends’ mother dye their hair back to full luster. and it has taken me a long time to realize that that’s the normal, that’s the general normal expectation, because MY normal was my mother just sort of Existing. and it made my teenage years really hard!! i had no idea of or access to the knowledge of all the things i was SUPPOSED TO DO to be a FULLY CULURALLY GIRL! i fumbled my way through everything. my mother never really helped me or told me anything: she never told me to start shaving, but i started shaving my legs because i saw that the girls in my 6th grade pe class were, and i have fairly light body hair (outside of the concentrated areas like the brows/pits/etc) but i observed that oh, they were making their legs smooth, this is what i was supposed to do to not be A Child anymore. so i used my sister’s razors and shaved my legs, and then one day my mother and sister saw my legs propped up in the car and saw that i had shaved them and were disappointed. “you shaved your legs? you didn’t need to.” does leg hair start coming in thicker once you’ve hit puberty full force? i don’t know! i would have to look it up. but i shaved my legs, and now the insides of my shins is long dark hair. the outsides get scrubbed and rubbed by my jeans and socks, and my thighs are light. i decided not to three years ago this spring, and it’s been good, i’m glad i stopped shaving. that’s one thing my mother does, i think, but i just assumed Was, because it was invisible to me. so much of femininity and womanhood has been invisible to me, either because my mother didn’t do it or if she did she did it invisibly.

those little attempts to help us. i wonder if she feels alienated from femininity, or if she isn’t as clued in on gender theory. i wonder about my mother’s relationship with womanhood. high school was so strange for me, experimenting very tentatively with the beauty rituals while having NO CLUE HOW TO DO THEM! my freshman homecoming my mom bought a prepackaged box of makeup stuff and we both sat down and watched the video on what the fuck we were supposed to do with it all, and we both didn’t really Get It. she was a very good face-painter, for carnivals, when i was a kid, she’d volunteer. i’ve made more peace with mine in my adulthood, i’ve struck out the parts of the rituals i don’t care for and consciously performed the rituals i will do a couple times. there are some i am terrified of not doing - my hair MUST be long enough to frame my face, i have to pluck some of my facial hairs - but i’ve both grown bold enough and beaten down enough to go out sometimes with my ugly bare acne’d face. i still can’t fathom the rituals other girls put so much time and energy into as their normal. i have depression and i have my upbringing, or my lack of, besides little attempts to help us have access that never quite worked.

on another note, i got invited to drink a little bit when my family was together in nevada last weekend at my uncle dave’s, because they all like wine. my mother doesn’t drink. my father is a wine guy and likes wines from the willammette valley and has a glass of wine with dinner. my mother doesn’t like losing control, doesn’t like not having control of herself. i can relate: i’ve decided i can only drink when i am with people i am utmost, utmost comfortable with, and anyone who isn’t there with my comfort zone get one drink out of me before i realize i can’t stand acting like the person i am constantly trying to beat into shape, into normality. but i decided to let myself be cajoled into having a drink with family, and uncle dave asked me what drink i like, and i answered that i really only like mike’s hard, or other fruity drinks that are meant to taste of something sweet and not alcoholic. so he made some crystal light and put some vodka in a tumbler and i had a drink, and it didn’t do much to me, because i didn’t want to have much more than one, didn’t want to be anything but the least drunk of the people drinking out on the patio. it tasted fine. the next day they bought me some actual mikes hard at total wine when we did a little shopping but i went to bed early because i had (have!) a cold and it was making me so sleepy and exhausted. i just never drank, also because i think they put them out in the shed and i didn’t want them enough to request them without being asked. honestly that’s how a lot of my life is: i don’t want things enough to actively pursue, i settle back and watch and i make sure that yes, it isn’t out of line if i ask, and being asked raises my interest level anyway. i wonder if that’s the chicken or the egg: if i’ve trained myself to not desire or if i just have a very high threshold for desire.

anyway when we were in costco this afternoon, my mom asked me what i thought of “dave’s hard lemonade” as we’d called it. i said it was ok, i didn’t really taste the vodka except for a couple “oh, THERE’S that slight taste of nail polish remover.” then she told me about how she doesn’t like vodka - reminds her - that’s what her mother (my grandmother) would always drink - with tang. TANG? i said, to add to the repartee, GROSS! apparently she’d leave the half empty glasses all over the house, and vodka just brings my mother back to those glasses, the smell of them.

i have the faint knowledge that what killed my grandmother was old age, but the damage to her liver didn’t help. that’s really it. in all her ramblings of the Stories of her past she never talked about drinking - but that wasn’t the important part of her life. again i bring up the time my grandmother’s memory slipped and wavered and she replaced my mother with my sister in a story, and i and my sister were sitting there, and i told her no, who’s my mother, and she was confused, and eventually i went out to the driveway, to my mother’s car, where she was sitting and reading or maybe working on something, and i cried, and she said it’s okay, it’s alright, i’m used to it. or something like that. she was okay with it. amanda says she is still cut up about her relationship with mamu, but i don’t know if it’s as much as she thinks it is. i think my mother is where i get my dispassion from. amanda knows more than me about all this, but i am more like my mother than my sister is, which would have made child me very frightened and scared, to have that comparison be on me.

ever since sweet aggie made those tweets about “my mother: you! you made me like this! and then you find out about your grandmother: ah. you are mother fucker?” that’s how it is! i am always thinking about this, before and after, but yes! again, i think my mother tried to help us gain access to the normal woman culture because she never had access to it, because mamu was an older foreign woman and SHE was raised by a woman who treated her poorly because she was her stepdaughter. i don’t know my step great grandmother’s name. god, how do i not know that, she is why i am like this!

i wonder if my mother feels bad that she wasn’t able to grant us access, or if she’s ok with us being a little odd. girls who grew up with noses in books and visits to museums and quarries and no model of femininity in our real daily lives. that sounds pretentious but i am distanced from mainstream culture and it’s difficult sometimes, it is a difficult youth to go through. i think there are good points but there are enough insufferable nerds, i don’t need to go over them. i’m glad she demanded we try to answer her teaching leading questions all the time, how she tried to enrich us. i am grateful. there were positive things she did. she didn’t get it perfect, who can, but the flaws in my upbringing loom heavy over me. ok, no, some things are flaws - my untidiness in this house, my probably poor eating habits, my dispassion for friends in the physical private spaces - but while my lack of feminine role model caused my troubles i don’t think it was a flaw. it was difficult in my adolescence but that’s not her fault. she didn’t do anything, she just existed, and that’s not wrong.