#Good Shepard Entertainment

[satoshi-mochida]

Hellboy: Web of Wyrd releases today for the PS4, PS5, Xbox Series/One, Switch and Steam.

[brutalgamer]

Comics come to life with Hellboy: Web of Wyrd, out now

Mike Mignola’s most famous creation is back and ready for action in today’s action adventure, Hellboy: Web of Wyrd.

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[pretty-little-mind33]

James Potter x slytherin!fem!reader

Summary: Playing Quidditch against your secret boyfriend is usually fun…

Genre: Fluff/hurt and comfort <3

Warnings: rivalry, chaser!captain!james, chaser!captain!reader, secret relationship (previous enemies to lovers), injuries, swearing, protective!james (my baby), short-ish

JAMES POTTER MASTERLIST

It had begun innocently.

You and James had promised not to tell anyone about your relationship for one week. Only that week turned into another, which eventually turned into four, and now it's much too awkward announcing to the entire school that you've been dating James Potter—the same boy you have publicly spent years saying you couldn't stand—for almost six months.

So, you never did, and neither did he.

However, the upside of your little arrangement was that now Quidditch is endlessly more entertaining.

"You ready, Cap?" Anne, your seeker, asks as you secure your gloves around your wrists. You nod and pull on the straps tightly. This is possibly the most important game of the season and you're determined to win.

You drown out the crowd's cheers when you mount your broom, adjust your hair, and fly up to where your lovely boyfriend is waiting for you to shake his hand.

James looks handsome, with his messy curls messier from the wind, and your heart flutters unintentionally. "Y/l/n," he says and balances on his broom as he grins.

"Potter."

He holds out his arm and looks around at his team and then at yours. "Good luck," James says and you know him well enough to hear his sincerity.

You take his hand, your breath hitching when his thumb caresses across your knuckles. It's such a quick brush you almost think you'd imagined it, but then James sends you a smile—that smile—and you know you hadn't imagined anything.

You drop his hand but return his smile. "May the best team win," your voice is smooth and you hear James chuckle as you fly away from him. You don't dare look back as you hide your smile and nod to your teammates.

The game starts normally, but as time progresses it becomes obvious this particular match is more competitive than usual. James's players become more flustered as the game continues, but you don't concern yourself with them as Slytherin is in the lead. Which, to your dismay, is more uncommon than you would like considering James's team is talented.

Annoyingly talented.

However, you should have been concerned considering when Danny Shepard hits the bludger directly at you out of pure anger, you're unprepared.

The front of your broom shatters from the force and you let out a loud scream when you jerk to the side, your broom malfunctioning as you plummet to the ground.

You can hear some of your teammates call out your name in worry but when you fall onto the grass and roll into the sidelines of a muddy ditch. Your eyes water as a piercing pain makes your head pound.

"Y/n!" James's calls and when you sit up, you see him land on the ground. He lets his broom fall without a care and sprints over to you. He kneels next to you and gently holds your head up, "Shit, shit, shit, shit," James sounds terrified. You blink. The world around him is spinning and his features are blurry.

"Help!" James screams and your heart leaps. What the hell is he doing? Everyone will know. You try to shake your head to tell him to shut up but you just wince in pain. James loops his arm around your back and concern etches his face when you cry out in pain from his movement.

You don't remember much after that. Just that some teachers and your teammates had rushed to your side to make sure you were okay. You weren't. You remember some of James's friends had to hold him back when the teachers hurried you to the Hospital Wing.

However, you wake up to him next to you. James is still in his Quidditch uniform, his head in his arms, his arm crossed beside your hips, as his chest lifts and falls lightly.

You blink, adjusting to the dim light from the lamp, and your shifting must wake James up because he looks up. Sheet lines are drawn on his cheeks and his voice is hoarse when he mutters, "Baby?"

"Hi," you whisper, forcing a small smile.

It's as if his entire face brightens and in his excitement James jumps up and wraps his arms around your shoulders. "Merlin, you're really okay! I was so worried," his voice sounds tense and when you wince a little, he moves back like he'd burned you. "Sorry, sorry," he blushes pink and slumps down onto the chair again.

"It's okay, Jamie," you smile at him and then ask, "What happened?" You look around you. It's dark outside. You must have been passed out for a few hours, at the very least.

"Shepard aimed his bludger at you out of anger," James hurries to explain, "He's off the team. Definitively. No arguments."

You smile at him a little but ask the important question, "You continued the game, did you?"

James nods solemnly, "Yeah, we did," he pauses as if debating something, "Gryffindor won," he says after a moment. Your eyebrows scrunch hearing him and you groan, cursing. James is quick to hold your hand. "But you'll beat us next time, lovie. It was such a close game."

You roll your eyes at him, turning your head to bury your face into your pillow. "You're such a twat," you whine and then look up at him through your hair, "this is why I disliked you."

James's smile falters, seemingly a little hurt. "I'm being serious! You played well. Your entire team did," he whispers, stroking his thumb over your hand.

You snort, "Oh, I know you're being serious, James. You're too kind. It's infuriating."

"Would you rather I rub my win in your face?" James asks with a raise of his brow. You sit up and glare at him. Admittedly, James has never been humble about his team winning a game but this was different.

You're his girlfriend now. His injured, and incredibly competitive, girlfriend.

"Well, nothing would have stopped you before," you say and James rolls his eyes. He leans in closer.

"Well, back then, I wouldn't have cared that one of my players hit you like that."

You send him a suspicious look.

"Okay, I would have cared, but not this much."

You smile. As much as you hate James for his undeniable chivalry and how annoyingly kind-hearted he is, if he wasn't then he wouldn't be the person you loved. And oh boy, do you love him.

"I want everyone to know about us," you say suddenly. James's eyes round like saucers. His hand finds yours and he tilts his head like a puppy, an endearing confusion gracing his features. He squeezes your hand in his.

"You must have really hit your head hard baby–"

"No," you interrupt him, your voice coming out stern, "I'm ready. I'm not ashamed. I've never been ashamed. I just didn't want anyone to know because if they did then they'd meddle, and if didn't know then you were mine. Only mine."

A smile curls James's lips. "What's changed?"

You look into his eyes. "Well, now I want everyone to know you are mine."

James raises and eyebrow and he chuckles. "So basically, you're claiming me?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

With a smile, James nuzzles into you and then kisses your cheek, right under one of your bruises. "Good, because everyone already knows about us. When you passed out, I made too much of a scene and the game was up," he says sheepishly, "It's all anyone is talking about apparently."

You giggle as his breath tickles your skin and you hold his nape. "Fucking let them, I don't care. All that matters is that you're mine."

"I am yours," James confirms into your ear, "Wholeheartedly yours, Y/n."

[vixen7243]

Undivided Attention: Gaz

Gaz X AFAB!Reader | TF141 X AFAB!Reader

Masterlist | John Price |Ghost

MDNI!!

Y/N was Task Force 141's combat medic, a sweet little thing that barely ever since joining had seen the light of day in a fight, they sheltered you to the base and that was it, the most action you had seen ever was on the rare occasion that Price okayed you to get on the helicopter with Nikolai to pick them up and that was it. At first Y/n was unbelievably annoyed with them when they had started developing feelings for you and started to slowly shield you from the tainted things in the world, or so they say but whenever they would throw that stupidly lame excuse around in front of you a hearty laugh would erupt from you. "Tainted world? Guys, the amount of dead bodies that I've had to leave in my wake before joining you all is enough to fill hell alone. I'm parted of that tainted things in this world."

The angry glances and scoffs that followed your attempt with reasoning with them made you hold your tongue after John's following statement. "You won't ever be apart of that world anymore, not while I'm still breathing."

It had taken a while for the team to warm up to you, the thought that General Shepard was the one to specially assign you to them didn't sit well with them till they had seen the back handed way you would openly shame him and degrade him with annoyance and slight humor gleaming in your eyes. "No wonder you have been working so well with them, rabid dogs always know how to stick together." Barking a laugh at him you made quiet the spectacular come back on his embarrassing attempt to hit on you and get you into his bed, only for you to make an impotent comment to him and his age. After which, with the brightest red face, being sure to always avoid your presence whenever possible. After that, Soap, Gaz and even John eased up on their ignoring and slanted looks, having small talks with you eventually enjoying long chats with you late into the night if you or them, couldn't sleep. Ghost still gave you hard stares every once in a while but he would at least respond back to you when you asked him anything or talked to him.

Somewhere along the way of slowly easing you out of the field and keeping you at the base, the men had even started leaving lingering touches, longing glances and sweet nicknames that would make your stomach flutter. It was one late night in John's office, you were yet again up late with him, mostly keeping him company, he sat at his desk, papers scattered, his bourbon abandoned long ago while you were insisting he drink tea after 7 if he needed to drink something, this being better for his liver. You sat in a chair on the other side of his desk, legs kicked up while you read a book from his mini library, bored mostly but you always were curious of the books he read so you pushed through, a night that was the same as any other when you would sit in his office, the sound of the clock ticking, his pen scratching along the papers and the occasional turn of a page from you. Finishing the last page you slammed the book shut, making John look up at you, stretching back into the chair you groaned loudly, "Good lord Captain, can't you read mor entertaining books? Maybe ones that also have a happy ending, thought I was going to fuckin cry, why do authors always kill the character that draws out the best in other characters?"

John set his pen down as he also leaned back cracking his back as he settled in, "You still finished the book, I would say it was entertaining enough. Would you rather I read one of your books this time maybe?"

A blush dusted your cheeks as you thought about your stash of books in your room that you kept locked in a footlocker, they were definitely dirty and maybe more sick minded than what John was used too. "Uh, no, we'll stick to your books, you definitely couldn't handle my books." A small chuckle left your lips, a smile coming up thinking about how John might blush at some of the things you've read, or even are currently reading. You wonder how he would even react to knowing that you read about girls getting absolutely destroyed in bed, so sore they can't even barely move after, even passing out because of how good it feels. Sucking your bottom lip between your teeth, you glance up noticing that he was watching your lip.

"You don't think so?" You watched has his hand ran over his beard that he hadn't gotten around to trimming, or more or less you haven't, he had you take up the dutiful job of keeping his facial hair trimmed and kept up, you sometimes sitting in his lap, doing your absolute best not to grind near his crotch when seated. "What do you read then? Enlighten me." Looking away from him you tried to think if you should lie or make up an excuse and leave, to embarrassed not to tell him the truth of the filth that you read. Hearing him clear his throat, you glanced up through your lashes watching as he pointed to his lap. You had gotten so used to sitting in all their laps, your ass barely ever sat the seat of a proper chair or couch, especially in the rec room, Soap and Gaz loved to pull you up into their laps, their hands massaging your thighs or back as your fingers massaged their scalps, necks or shoulders. Ghost sometimes would push you to one side of the couch, throwing himself down, resting his head in your lap while your fingers played with his blonde hair, you hadn't gotten a chance to see his face but he does now wear sometimes a surgical mask, black. Getting up you made your way to him, sitting in his lap, feeling like a little doll, you belonged to all of them, you knew that, they knew it. As soon as you straddled his lap, his hands crept up and down your sides and thighs, you were trying to find the words you wanted to use to get yourself out of this but looking into his eyes, you were stuck.

That night, through soft words, guided affection, and encouraging embrace, John set claim to you, later in the morning notifying the rest of the lads you walked out to the rec room Gaz and Soap the first up and right in front of you like puppies. You all had a very long chat about boundaries and limits, safe words and commitment that morning. After all was aired out, you were officially locked down to the base, and eventually, surprisingly fast just accepted it.

Soap was the handsyiest, even around base, he always had his arm wrapped around your waist, face buried in your neck, there was no reining him in, this was him holding back. In the rec room, he would beg you to cuddle on the couch, which would lead to cockwarming, then eventually down right fucking, he loved having you around him, you did nothing but praise him, words he barely ever heard but yearned for. You handed them out to him like candy, without a second thought, sometimes admittedly yes, you should have told him to stop, not in public, no PDA but god, his puppy eyes always made your heart clench, you just couldn't say no to that face, the bastard.

Ghost was more reserved, having to be careful do to him being a superior officer, as well as John. That's not to say that he didn't follow you around the base when Soap wasn't glued to your hip, whenever he found his chance, he would stick to you, happy little glances his way making him preen. Getting you to the rec room where you two could be slightly more open with affection, Ghost was almost, almost unrecognizable with his little whispers, your praises making him blush, his softened eyes quietly begging for more of your attention. Once he has you in his room, god, he has you pinned under him, sometimes even holds you above him, just begging for more praise, his voice uncharacteristically cracking from emotion, your gentle hands smoothing over scars that make him flinch, whining as he thrusts into you, body breaking as you just keep giving him everything, telling him that he deserves everything, even forcing him to say he deserves this, as you kiss his body gently, caressing him, handling him as if he was the finest piece of glass that could break from even a breath. You really did enjoy giving Ghost your attention, especially when you knew at times it was helping him heal wounds that he refused to ever heal, he was your delicate flower, even if to all them, you were theirs.

John got you most nights and mornings due to how busy he was, it was unspoken but agreed upon, you slept in his bed, unless one of the others truly needed you after a bad day, or dream. Sometimes when he could spare a moment in the day away from the confines of his office and work, he sauté you out, like his own little personal mission, and you would go back with him to his room, or his office, which ever was the closest. After making sure the door was locked he would hold you, your words ringing in his soul as you held him tightly, whispering the sweetest love you could offer him that wouldn't make him rebuttal that he was too old for you, that he was being selfish in holding you the way he does. That if he was a better man, half the man you praise him to be, he would stop his advances, let you go, close himself off again, but he couldn't he was filth, worse than filth for keeping you so close. You would hush his negativity with kisses, massages and words so sweet you would see the broken captain that tried so hard to stay strong for his team, for you. You held him together as he found the warm and love he didn't believe he deserved inside you.

Gaz, sweet, patient, caring Gaz, he let you be, he never followed you, never looked for you, he gave you space. He knew you would come to him, you always do, you always make sure to divide up your days for all of them, giving them all the attention and love you could possibly offer them while trying to give yourself some in small increments whenever possible. Gaz watched as you would coddle Soap, giving in to the grown mans pleas of just the tip before absolutely destroying your little cunny on the couch, both of you spent and panting when Ghost comes in to lecture Soap on keeping that to his room. While also noticing on the rare occasion when Ghost wouldn't close his door all the way, seeing as he begs under you, quiet tears slipping down his lieutenants cheeks, your sweet words and encouraging praise breaking the man down even more before the two of you flip over, Ghost's head resting over your heart, the both of you taking a short nap in each others embrace. Seeing when his captain would take you to his office, and then hear him confined in you his fears, failures and short comings, all which you counter softly, Gaz would walk away hearing his Captain break down with you as well, before he's sure, as you had done with Ghost, hold him.

Gaz was patient, but to a point. For lords sake, he was a man too, he had needs, desires, problems, and he was apart of this team. Whenever he would notice in the past fortnight that you were making your way to him, his body would tense, a pent up of emotions flooding him, ready to be released into your caring embrace only for you to be dragged off by one of the others. Never, not once did he ever speak up with his annoyance, or aggravation, he kept quiet, waited, but, today was it, he couldn't be patient, or your good boy while Soap was dragging you away from his path to take you to his room. Gaz stood up abruptly and picked you up, throwing you over his shoulder, "Damnit no, it's my bloody turn with her, the lot of ya keep out my room for the night." Huffing ignoring their questioning gazes, not quite used to Gaz having that kind of tone, he carried you to his room slamming the door shut and locking it before setting you on his bed gently, he wasn't trying to take his annoyance out on you truly but he was at his limit.

"I'm sorry Kyle."

"Not you that should be apologizing, come here." Kyle got up into the bed after kicking his boots off, waiting for you to do the same as you curled up into his side, resting your hand on his chest, head over his heart listening to it pound heavily. There was a beat of silence as you stayed on his side before pushing up slightly and looking into his eyes.

"Talk to me, you have me all night I won't go anywhere."

Kyle let loose everything, everything he was feeling, had been holding in, the things that had been happening, people that had been pushing him, his desire for you, and finally he broke down to his loneliness of being without you for so long. You listened, unjudging as he started to fall silent, bring your hand up to his cheek you cupped it as you kissed his other cheek lightly, the soft look in your eyes making his heart wrench, he really did miss having you in his arms. You reassured him, changing positions as you cradled his head into your lap, breaking down everything he told you, lifting up his soul with your loving gentle touch, words lighting up his world.

After a comfortable silence befell the both of you, Gaz turned squeezing your thigh, while he moved your body where he wanted, slotting himself between your thighs, groaning as he dragged your body down the pillows. He kissed your stomach as he undid your pants and dragged them down your legs, kissing and nipping your thighs and ankles before going back down and nudging your underwear to the side laying a soft kiss to your clit. "Kyle" Wrapping your fingers into his curls you moaned, feeling his smirk against your cunny as his tongue darted out and dragged up your slit before he started grabbing at your shirt and pushing it up. Taking it from him you slightly pushed up and tugged your shirt off, feeling him moan into you you flinched as he wrapped his lips around your clit and sucked. Feeling your juices start to coat his lips and drip down his chin he sat up and pulled his shirt off, guiding his hand back down tugging on your underwear while undoing his belt and pants. Tugging on your underwear you kicked them off wrapping your legs quickly around his waist when he freed his aching cock, wrapping your arms around his shoulders you kissed him, your tongues sliding into each others mouth, reexploring each others bodies, his hand groping, mapping, feeling your body under him, his cock bobbing at your entrance, pearly beads of precum dripping onto your clit.

Pulling back, he looked between your bodies, gripping the base of his cock before lining himself up, and pushing in slowly, giving short, slow thrusts as you squeezed the back of his neck moaning into his skin. When he bottomed out inside of you the both of you groan, he was slotted in right at your cervix, fixing his position, he set either hand on each side of your head before pulling back just enough to where his tip was resting inside and then slamming back into you. Setting that pace, the neither of you could hold your moans back, the sound of skin slapping on skin echoing, carrying out into the hall. Reaching your hand down you skimmed your fingers over your clit rolling it between your fingers, your back arching up, and your walls clamping down onto Kyle's cock, your orgasm washing over you quickly. Kyle fucking you through your first one smirking down at you, "First one, many more to go gorgeous."

Kyle pulled back and grabbed your hips turning you onto your stomach, yanking your hips up before sliding back in, your sensitive walls fluttering around his cock, a whimper sliding out of your mouth, his pace was quick and harder. You were sure that by the end of the night, your cervix had to be bruised but god, it was feeling amazing and you would welcome the arch for the following days. Kyle grabbed a fist full of your hair before pulling back, your back arching deliciously, pushing up onto your elbows you cried out when you felt his tip sliding against your gummy spot making your toes curl and a broken groan fall from you as you gushed around him for the second time, a cry fall out of your lips as he continued to pound into you. "Kyle, fuck, I-I can't..."

Smiling he pulled out and turned you over, pushing your knees up to your chest, both legs thrown over his shoulder and he guided his cock back in, "One more for me gorgeous, I know you can do it, come on." Crying out he relentlessly pounding into your swollen cunny, pushing his forehead against yours, sweat falling from him to you mixing with your own, your skin stuck together, your cum connecting the two of you when ever he pulls out for a moment before he pushes back against you.

Feeling him twitch inside of you, you kissed him, massaging his back and scalp feeling his hips stutter when you started, lifting your head as much as you could, you whispered sweet praise into his ear, your voice hoarse from crying and moaning. Kyle couldn't hold back, slamming his hips back into your sweet spot he pushed the both of you over the edge a groan mixed with a whimper pushed out of his chest while you cried out using whatever strength you could must to hold him as close as possible.

Slowly pulling out, he rolled beside you pulling you into him, both of you smiling exhausted, his hands rubbing your lower back and kissing your forehead. You intertwined your legs, and rubbed the sides of his neck before scratching the base of his head humming. The moment was sweet and quiet between the two of you, content with just the presents of the other. You had fallen asleep after a moment, Kyle figured he would be nice and let you rest for a few before you woke you up with his head between your juicy thighs, and his fingers restuffed deep inside you. Besides, the night was young, you guys could rest for a bit.

----

John Price |Ghost

[milkywayes]

garrus is my favorite because he pisses people off so badly. watching let’s players on yt grimace when he voices an opinion. the thing is, he always has a point. a good point, even. it’s just that he looks at stuff from angles that others don’t allow themselves to do. less performative compassion for others than they’re comfortable with... doesn’t mean he’s wrong, per se, and for a paragon shepard it’s often exactly what’s needed to balance things out. also doesn’t mean that he’s not a compassionate person - he does show that side of himself when he worries about orphans, when he gets so angry at criminals, when he comforts shepard, when he laments about ruthless calculus. but it’s balanced with enough detachedness and blunt honesty that it makes people very uncomfortable. i just think it makes him fascinating. he defies categorization in that way. it would be so simple to say he’s just a bad person, but that’s a shallow and reactive reading of him and his motivations. what makes a good person and what makes a bad one is also highly subjective. people who are uncomfortable with him love to trim down his edges to better fit what they think is acceptable and that’s a shame. he says he doesn’t know what to do with gray, but he’s firmly in the gray himself. there’s a kind of poetry to it. it makes writing him very entertaining

[alittlebitofloveliness]

Well since you said it…

Ponyboy Curtis head canons and, if possible, cherry head canons 😁

I'll do Cherry later this weekend, but for now here's some Ponyboy headcanons!

-Has tried to quit smoking multiple times, usually because Darry wants him to, and never succeeded. The second he gets even the tiniest bit stressed he’s got a cigarette lit and back in his mouth. At this point he's pretty much accepted he's locked in for life

-Had to get glasses and HATES them so Darry pulled some overtime and got him contacts

-Worries a lot about Darry, not just because he tries to carry too much roofing at once and regularly hurts his back, but also because he’s terrified of what could happen if Darry was to somehow slip off a roof

-His middle class school friends think he’s REALLY cool (like Pony, they’re all a bunch of nerds) and Pony loves it because the entire gang very much does not

-His school friends are also TERRIFIED of the gang, like they see Two-bit or Steve coming to talk to him and hightail it out of there. They’re even scared of Johnny which Ponyboy thinks is hilarious (he doesn’t realize that Johnny’s dark gaze and bruises are terrifying to someone who doesn’t know how he got them)

-Thinks Curly Shepard is the funniest person alive and is determined that Curly never find that out

-Cannot for the life of him figure out why Johnny and Curly don’t get along

-Tutored Two-bit in English so he could finally graduate

-The gang is split between those who are determined to be a good influence on Pony and those who aren’t. Dally and Two-bit are the bad influences, Johnny tries to be a good influence, and Steve claims to not give a fuck but is the best influence of all in that he’s never let/asked/encouraged Pony to take part in illegal activities 

-Pony thinks Curly Shepard is good looking in a dangerous way. Real good looking in fact.

-Is NOT afraid of girls no matter what that Johnny Cade says (I mean it man I ain’t SCARED of them, they just don think like us, and quit you’re laughing, it ain’t like you have any luck with girls either-)

-Is TERRIFIED of Tim Shepard 

-Is also terrified of Angela Shepard because even though she has the same eyes as Curly, her's are like a snakes, all cold, emotionless and deadly, whereas Curly’s are always twinkling with ether mischief or anger

-He’s actually really good at stealing things (Two-bit taught him well), he just doesn’t do it often because he feels bad about it. But if a shop employee is rude to him he’s no holds barred and could leave with like half the store under his coat

-Can get away with literally ANYTHING in his English class after he gave Mr. Simes his theme, and uses that fact to his advantage

-Regularly falls asleep in his math class but manages to talk his teacher out of calling Darry every time

-He and Darry have the same taste in literature and regularly share/discuss books. It bores Soda to the point where he jokingly tells them to go back to arguing all the time because it was at least more entertaining to listen to

-Steps on peoples heels when he walks behind them

-HATES country music so fucking much and if Johnny plays that goddamn country record ONE more time-

-Is determined to make sure neither of his older brothers find our just how much time he spends with Curly Shepard

-Cut the blond out of his hair as soon as he possibly could, even though it made his hair shorter than he liked because he hated the light colour more than he hated the short length

-Has the worst poker face known to man but is actually decent at poker (because he cheats, but unlike Sodapop he’s good at cheating so he rarely gets caught)

[monbons]

WIP Wednesday

Posting actual WIPS on a Wednesday? Imagine that.

As long as we are all baring our hearts on tumblr, I have to admit that I have been struggling to write anything since I wrapped up Eternal Life (back in the first week of April). At first I figured I was simply burnt out since I wrote all 42k words of that fic in just about a month, but given that I've started three separate WIPS since then and made zero progress on any of them, I'm wondering if I am just out of stories. I hate all my words--even though I really love some of these concepts. So, as you may have noticed, I've been distracting myself with sewing projects because good progress is so clearly visible there...

Anywho, to motivate myself, I decided to post a snip of each today and hope that having bits out in the world will motivate me to finish at least ONE of them! All untitled. Set up and snips below the cut.

Very creatively titled "Party Robot," this WIP is a silly/fluffy one-shot inspired by an article I read a while ago about a growing trend in American weddings. This one is the furthest along and will likely see the light of day eventually...

A nervous bounce.  From a robot. I recognize that bounce. “I thought you said Shepard was working tonight.” My voice is tight. “He is.” Bunce replies, similarly strained. “What did you say he does again?” Panic rises in my chest.  “He’s in entertain–”  Whether Bunce trails off or I simply don’t hear the rest is irrelevant because the music has changed from easy dinner instrumentals to much-too-loud techno and the show is clearly starting. As the synths build, driving towards a crescendo, my brain reels with the growing realisation that Simon would never just abandon me at the last minute, would never send me anywhere alone, certainly not my cousin’s gay wedding, which is every kind of milestone given his Old Families lineage and Pitch blood specifically and– “PARTY PEOPLE!” The DJ booms into the mic. “Have the grooms got a treat for you!”

A multi-chapter AU I have lovingly nicknamed "Baz in a Bubble." It is sad and angsty and is proving significantly more difficult to execute (despite having a complete outline) than I once thought it would be. Who could have guessed having one home-bound character would make me too sad to write? Thanks to @thewholelemon and @hushed-chorus who've listened to more than their fair share of my griping about this one. Anyway, here's the first bit of BAZ POV:

There are exactly 297 stars in the sky above me. I count them while lying in my bed every night. They do not twinkle or flicker hello like real stars. Instead, they glow a constant yellowish-green that reminds me of the colour artists always make toxic sludge in the cartoons I grew up watching. It's the colour of superhuman villains and their evil plots. Of poison. Of danger. It's the colour of the plastic star stickers Fiona put up on my ceiling when I was 10 and spent the whole year crying and begging her to go outside. Just once. Just for a minute. Because I was starting to forget what fresh air smelled like or how it felt to have grass prickle against your bare feet or how the stars lit up the night sky in Hampshire. There are no stars in the middle of London. Not outside my window. Not in this room.

And then the WIP I have the least progress on (literally almost nothing) but I so desperately want to write and could really use a thought partner to help me brainstorm/plot/figure out what the hell I'm doing--- a canon divergence where Simon successfully exposes Baz as a vamp and Malcolm steps the fuck up as a father. Here's a bit of Simon POV:

It didn't matter anyway. Pitch Manor was empty. While [the Mage] ranted and raved, I wandered into Baz’s living room. The TV was still on. Peppa the Pig was playing. A half-dressed Barbie was splayed on the couch next to a small bowl of grapes, all cut in half. I picked up the doll and brushed her tangled hair out of her face.  Why didn’t I know Baz had a sister? A family that ate snacks together in front of the TV? Parents who loved him so dearly they fled their whole lives under cover of night? In the days that followed, I sat in meeting after meeting with the Coven, listening to The Mage. He demanded the casting of tracking spells, pushed through more dark creature reforms, and rambled about the miscarriage of justice and the dangers of harbouring monsters.  But Baz wasn’t a monster.  He was just a boy.  A scared boy.  A boy who ran because he wanted to live. 

Anyway...here's to accountability via tumblr. Maybe once I've slept for several weeks and feel more refreshed I won't be so frustrated by every word I know, or more precisely, all the beautiful ones I can’t seem to find…

Thanks for the tag @bookish-bogwitch. Cannot wait to devour the new chapter of BPD!

Hellos and high-fives to all. May your words (and art) be faring better than mine: @raenestee, @cutestkilla, @roomwithanopenfire, @facewithoutheart

@emeryhall, @artsyunderstudy, @aristocratic-otter, @larkral, @rimeswithpurple

@drowninginships, @valeffelees, @shrekgogurt, @blackberrysummerblog, @iamamythologicalcreature

@run-for-chamo-miles, @thehoneyedhufflepuff, @arthurkko, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @youarenevertooold

@beastmonstertitan, @supercutedinosaurs, @rbkzz, @fiend-for-culture, @theearlgreymage

@brilla-brilla-estrellita, @skeedelvee, @ic3-que3n, @talentpiper11, @ivelovedhimthroughworse

[pumpkinsy0]

papercut cozy day in hcs? perhaps during winter because i <3 winter? maybe they were snowed in or smth (wait does tulsa even get snow?? if not they're on vacation surely!) purely based on cozy vibes. also their gangs are there too and have to witness their shenanigans because it would make me happy ! this either makes sense or i am just extremely tired and dont know what im saying

of course!!! i dont think it snows THAT much, but we’ll say it does just this winter bc of climate change or somethin

•now why was the entire shepard gang there??? they were riding somewhere but the snow got worse so they decided to head to the curtis’

•curly HATESSSS the winter, pretty much all the shepards do, they just hate snow especially cause it stops them from doin what they gotta do

•for THIS ASK i wont make pony hate winter either, but he does find it a lil annoying cause he always forgets to put something on to make him warmer but bc hes inside for this one hes actually in a good mood

•soda makes the best hot chocolate, hes just got the hands for it, and thats the ONLY time curly will ever be nice to him, he MUST get seconds☝🏽☝🏽

•the shepard gang r just wandering around messing w stuff and darry told the gang to be nice but my god are the guys really hoods they cannot be satisfied

•angela is used to being around a lot of guys, but THIS many acting so annoying??? yea shes locking herself in darrys room till its all over

•meanwhile pony and curly r just in ponys room, curlys fucking tired if being there (no offense to pony and his “lovely” posse), ponys distracting him w card games

•ppl check on them, but pony and curly both like going under the sheets and when u lift it up, they look like bugs when u lift the rock above them😭

•the curtis’ canonically had a pet dog so lets just,,,pretend they still have em, but pony and curly r keeping that dog in the room, thats their source of entertainment

•they play ball w the dog and sometimes the gangs hear thuds so they go i to the room and its a mess cause the dog god zoomies mid way😭

•curly has long enough limbs to reach out the window and grab some snow, and everyone found out the hard way bc they heard pony screech from how cold it was

also ur a w*nter enjoyer???,,,,get off my page,,,now,,, grrr

[whumpty-dumpty-doo]

Whumpmas in July 2024 - Day 7 - Post a link to your favorite whump fic of all time!

This post is part of my participation in the 2024 @whumpmasinjuly event!

-----

Ah, it's hard to pick a favorite! Here are a few that I really enjoyed:

Gallery AU (Keith and Shiro from VLD fanfic) by @trytofocus - Keith is a prisoner in a secret, highly prestigious gallery where subjects are displayed in all manners of artful bondage for the entertainment of rich patrons. Shiro is one such patron. And he isn't nice. (Be warned that this fic is 18+, as it contains adult elements and themes, and is NSFW) Why I love it: God, the mental images are SO GOOD. The way that Keith is treated as a living, breathing, unwilling art piece... the emotions, the way things are described, the care and reverence taken in tying him up and putting him on display, the way that Shiro appreciates him, the attitude that Keith gives... It's so freaking good, and it gives me crazy whumperflies. I wish there was more!

Death Valley (also on AO3) by @ashintheairlikesnow - In 2003, Finn Schneider left Germany for a month-long planned trip around the United States. Somewhere around Death Valley, he disappeared. But he wasn't alone. (Be warned that this fic is 18+, as it contains noncon, murder, and is NSFW) Why I love it: This was the second whump fic that I ever read, and it was integral in getting me into the whumpsphere! I feel SO SO SO bad for Finn, what he goes through, and how he is in his future. It's one of those stories that makes me go "OH NO BB LET ME FIX IT FOR YOU ;A;" but this poor guy has seen and been through far too much. It's brutal. Even the flash forward has me on the edge of my seat and only wanting the best for him. I hope this poor man finds love, joy, and peace.

Brother's Keeper by @darkthingshappen - Ben Adkins' life changes forever when his brother Jake fails to pay what is owed to some powerful men. Will he be able to survive his harrowing experience and return to his family? (Be warned that this fic is 18+, as it contains explicit noncon and is NSFW) Why I love it: Phew, this one is intense! It's one of those fics that made me go "OH DAMN." a lot. I actually had to read this one out of order a bit because (spoilers) thereʻs a recovery arc... followed by a recapture arc. I had to save some of the recovery arc to read when things got too tough and I needed some joy for the characters, because GEEZ. Poor Ben!! Poor Jake! Poor Andrei! Volkov and his guys are sick SOBs and just merciless. Itʻs so whumpy. I had to skip a chapter or two due to some of my own personal squicks, but other than that, if youʻre looking for some guys having a super bad time, this is a great fic for that!

King of The Road by @darkthingshappen - George and Danny find themselves in the hands of a very sick and twisted trucker. What will happen to them as his newest victims? (Be warned that this is fic 18+, as it contains explicit noncon and is NSFW) Why I love it: The trucker is horrible!! An absolutely evil vile terrible sick guy!!! I have to know what happens to George and Danny! Thereʻs not much of the fic yet, but Iʻm frothing at the mouth waiting for more. The brutality is so whumperiffic, and I already desperately want to save them, so you know things are on a good track!

Secrecy by @doomeddestination - A young spy is captured by a mysterious man known only as Shepard. (Be warned that this fic is 18+, as it contains explicit noncon and is NSFW) Why I love it: Calico is such a great writer, and her dedication to her stories and characters is INSANE. This story was the first one of hers that I read, and it introduced me to Ander, who is another character that I simply wish to wrap in a blanket and give tea to and take care of forever. This poor guy just needs a break. Shepard is awful, and the suspense in the story is so great. Thereʻs a whole multitude of AUs and stories that contain these characters as well, so lots of stuff to check out! ... ... ... If Ander never gets to canonically see his mom again, I will riot in the streets. LET A GOOD THING HAPPEN TO HIM.

The Mountain Man by @darkthingshappen - A kidnapper has his sights on a hockey player and sets a plan into motion to get him into his clutches. Why I love it: Getting into the head of the whumper as he stalked and planed his capture was so cool. I loved the confusion and delirium that the hockey player showed, especially when things started to get scary. I think this story was meant to be a one-shot, but Iʻd gladly dig into more of it if it got continued!

Hazel's story by @starrywhump - A group of college students is kidnapped by a sadistic whumper who has no qualms about torturing them. Why I love it: This was the FIRST whump fic I ever found and read! I wouldnʻt be in the community now if not for this fic. I have no idea how I stumbled across it, but Iʻm so glad I did, because it introduced me to whump lingo, whump blogs, and this whole crazy world. I love the characters, the whumper is creepy and intimate, and some of what she does is just nasty and brutal. I donʻt know what happened to the author (the blog hasnʻt been updated in like three years), but I hope that theyʻre happy and doing well wherever they are. I love the fic, and would love to read more if they ever decided to continue!

There are so so so many other great fics out there, but these are just the few that come to mind off the top of my head! Any other fans of these stories out there? :O

---

Tags: @whumpmasinjuly-archive

[satoshi-mochida]

Hellboy: Web of Wyrd- ‘Gameplay’ trailer

[brutalgamer]

Hellboy Web of Wyrd updates launch, still landing next month

One of the coolest looking games based on a comic maybe ever, Hellboy Web of Wyrd is landing a iittle bit later than expected.

[sweet-child]

dally x an introverted reader who’s actually like super energetic and loud when they’re alone????

introvert

 a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone

something (such as the retractile proboscis of some worms) that is or can be drawn in especially by invagination

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

In which we see Dallas with an introverted partner

Pairing - Dallas Winston x Introverted!GN!Reader

Word Count - 851

A/n - I feel like I didn't do it justice, but I don't think I could have done it any better. I hope you enjoy it though, Anon!

"Dig in!"

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Buck liked to throw parties. Alot. He liked to blow the money he won at rodeos on his parties, booze, and cancer sticks. Everyone knows about Buck's parties and how wild they can get. The later into the evening, the more people would show. Dallas Winston partied on occasions, but, normally, only at Buck’s or another greaser hang out. He and Buck were friends, not as close as he was to the Curtis gang though. When Dallas had first moved to Tulsa, when the boy was about 12, he tried stealing from the lanky cowboy by pickpocketing. Buck grabbed Dal’s wrist as the younger boy tried to reach his hand into the older’s pocket. One look at Dallas, and Buck quickly took the young boy under his wing. Taught him how to ride horses and to barrel race. They were the type of friends that you aren’t close to, but you still defend and look out for each other. 

When Dallas and Y/n first met (at another one of Buck’s parties), the latter was quiet, and observed dancing and conversations. Dallas noticed them in the corner, and kept glancing at them through the night. When they were dragged away from the corner by their mutual friend to play pool, that's when Dal decided to start a conversation with them. Buck and Y/n were playing pool together at first, with the tall, brown-eyed greaser trying to get to know them, but Buck got dragged away and Dallas took his place playing pool. 

“Are you normally this quiet?” He asked, somewhat judgmentally, taking a shot at a solid and missing. “Just introverted.” The shorter one replied, taking a shot at a stripe and getting it in the cup. From that moment on, they seemed to never be apart. It was like a dog with his owner. A very vicious dog with his very observant owner. 

Tonight was another one of Buck’s parties with loud music, smoking, drinking, dancing, and even crowded. Y/n was dragged to the party by their boyfriend, Dallas, after a good night at the rodeo. Earlier that night, Dal had made a personal record for finishing at 13.67 seconds. In support of the brown-haired teen, you went with no complaints. But that was an hour ago. Now, the taller boy was talking to one of his buddies, Tim Shepard, while the h/c-haired teen was in the corner, a drink in hand, while observing the partiers. It wasn’t their social scene. They preferred to be with their friends, having fun. Just even being there at the party was slowly draining their social battery. However, being at the party had some perks; Free food, free drinks, free entertainment when people got into fights. 

Dallas broke away from the eldest Shepard, ending their conversation, and walked over to his partner. “Y’look bored,” He stated as he leaned against the wall. “Of course I'm bored,” Y/n rolled their eyes, “Can we go, Dal?” 

Dallas was silent for a moment but let out a huff of air. “Fine,” He leaned off the wall “Lets go.” Wrapping an arm around their neck, they left Buck’s and started to walk down the dimly lit sidewalks. The two walked in peaceful silence with only the gentle wind or cars driving down the street breaking it. Soon enough, the two were in Y/n’s room. Dallas plopped onto their bed, with a squeak of the springs, sprawling out. His e/c-eyed partner crawled on top of him, laying on his chest. 

“You smell good,” They complimented with a smile. “You sniff me?” “It's hard not to when I'm laying on your chest.” Dallas let out a small, gruff chuckle. “Oh! That reminds me,” Y/n sat up and crawled off his chest and out of the bed “I'm trying out new scents. What do you think smells better?” They asked, as they pulled out two perfume bottles and spritzed them to where their boyfriend could smell. “The first one is lavender and cotton, but the second one is rose with a hint of vanilla. I like both, but I personally like the second one more. I want your opinion because I want my boyfriend to think I smell good. What do you think?” They rambled

Dallas sat up slightly with his head leaning against the headboard before smelling both. “The second one,” The brown-haired boy confirmed as Y/n nodded, and put them both on their makeup stand before getting back on the bed and on Dallas’ chest. “Hey Dal?” Dallas looked down at his partner on his chest, and with his rough hand, he brushed a piece of hair out of their face. “Yes, Doll?” “Can we go see a movie at the drive-in? Or do something together? Just me ‘nd you?”

Dallas, with a grin on his face, shook his head and adjusted himself to where his back was against the headboard before asking “Why don't you talk this much at parties?”

Y/n, who sat up as well, looked up at their boyfriend, a smile on their face. “Just introverted.”

[commander-krios]

A Silly Goose

Fandom: Mass Effect Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Female Shepard & Jeff "Joker" Moreau Rating: Teen Summary: Joker doesn't like being second best. Not at flying, and certainly not at extranet games. There is one gamer in particular that's become a thorn in his backside. Now he needs to figure out how to get back to #1 while not embarrassing himself. Unfortunately, failure is Joker's middle name. Words: 4137 Additional Tags: Friendship, Humor, Fluff, Canon Disabled Character, post-ME1, pre-ME2, Everyone Roasts Joker, Cameos by Tali, Garrus and Wrex

This is a treat I made for the @hatboyexchange for @keriweird, @timptoe and grimeypickens on AO3.

Read on AO3

"I'm going to wipe the floor with you, CanadianGoose51!" Jeff Moreau muttered, tracking the man's character through the field, waiting for the perfect moment when he'd enact his revenge. For all of the times he was obliterated on the field, all of the times that Joker was just shy of a win and had it immediately stolen by the Earthborn human. At least, he assumed his enemy was Earthborn by username alone. "Let's hear you quack!"

Lining up his final shot, he knew this was it. He was going to win his first match in months. With a deep breath, he clicked the fire button, only for the shot to go wide and completely miss Canada man's character. "Fuck!"

There was a sudden flash before he was left with nothing but a black screen, a flashing red "Game Over" overlaid on it. There was no fucking way-

Throwing his hands up, Joker almost knocked the keyboard over. He managed to save it at the last second, but his cup wobbled as his elbow bumped it. It tipped over, rolled to the edge of the desk, before a biotic field appeared to save it. The mug floated in the air briefly before being set beside him again. Thankfully, it'd been empty.

With a huff, Joker swiveled his chair around, gaze seeking out the only person who'd understand his pain. 

"What the fuck?! How does he manage to do that?"

"Probably because you don't know the difference between a goose and a duck."

Shepard was resting on the couch in her cabin, with her feet on the seat and a datapad in her hand, and Joker rolled his eyes at her. Best friend or not, she could at least attempt to be supportive. The only person who was worse at this game than him was-

Well, the woman he was staring at now.

"Tomato, Tamato. It's a bird either way, right?"

"Didn't you grow up on a farm?" She asked, shaking her head almost as if she questioned his sanity. To be fair, she did question him most days, but that was usually in regards to him flying in insane maneuvers to save them from dying a fiery death. She could be a little grateful for him, after all. "You know what, I don't care. I can't take a man who names himself 'HotShotPilot69' on the extranet seriously."

“Hey! It was from my flight school days." And it was still accurate. "Can you take five minutes away from making fun of me and help?"

Shepard grinned at him, enjoying every moment of this torture because apparently she was all out of entertainment for the day. "Help? Where would the fun be in that? I love watching him kick your ass. In fact, if I could figure out who he is, I'd give him a medal for being one of the only two people in the galaxy to take your ass down a peg."

Joker grumbled, turning back to the terminal, hoping that ignoring her might finally shut her up. Maybe there was someone else who might help him with this. Did Tali play games? He knew she was good with tech, loved watching some cheesy soap opera type vids, but extranet games? What did quarians do when they weren't on their pilgrimages? 

"I can see you using that brain of yours, Joker." Shepard said, interrupting his train of thought. He shot a glare at her, a warning even though he knew he couldn't do shit, and she laughed in response. "Don't burn yourself out. It's really not that serious."

Maybe to her it wasn't, but his pride was on the line. Before CanadianGoose51 came onto the scene, Joker had been ranked number 1 in N7 Code of Honor: Medal of Duty. Now, he was second and the hell would he let that go without a fight. 

"Mock me all you want, Commander-"

"Oh, I will."

He ignored her interruption, intent on somehow winning this battle of wits between them. "But I plan on experiencing the glory of being the best once again. No one with the name 'Canadian Goose' is going to beat me at my favorite game."

She raised an eyebrow at him, a smile tugging at her lips. "It's an extranet game, Joker."

"It's more than that, Shepard. As if you'd understand anyway. You have stupid hobbies." He waved at the datapad in her hand and all she did was let out a snort.

"I'm reading. Or at least I was before you threw your tantrum."

"Ew. You read reports all day and your idea of fun is more reading?" Shutting down the terminal, he turned back to her in his swivel chair, waiting for her to tease him some more. Apparently, the only pastime she liked more than reading was roasting him alive.

"Are you jealous because you can't read, Joker?"

With a rude gesture, Joker got to his feet, feeling a little unsteady after sitting for so long. "Laugh it up, Shepard. You'll be eating your words soon enough."

As he turned to head back to the door, planning on getting in a shower and decompressing, Shepard piped up from behind him. "Are you sure you want to kick CanadianGoose51's ass? Because it sounds like you want to be him instead." 

Joker didn't respond, refusing to rise to her bait. He shuffled to the stairs, grabbing hold of the handrail to make sure he didn't trip on the way up. 

"Or maybe I'm reading this wrong, Jeff. Maybe, someone has a crush and doesn't know how to process it."

Ridiculous. He didn't even know who was on the other end of the extranet link and even if he did, no way he'd have any type of feelings past disdain for someone so obviously cheating to win. No, he was going to go back up against the Goose and he was going to beat them. Even if it took everything he had, he wasn't going to let it go until he won.

~~~~

The next morning, before he had to report to the helm, Joker found Tali'zorah sitting at the table in the mess hall, datapad in hand. There was a tube of that dextro-paste sitting beside her, half eaten and forgotten. He wasn't sure what she was busy doing, maybe finishing things involving her pilgrimage. If that was so, then she was probably nearly ready to return to her people. When she finally left, he was going to miss her. She was one of his favorite people on this damned ship. 

Sliding into the chair across from her, Joker tapped his fingers on the table, trying to glance at what was on her screen. "Whatcha working on?"

The quarian glanced up, her eyes shining through her faceplate. He could almost feel the judgment even if he couldn't see the expression on her face. "I would explain the inner workings of a geth's core processor, but I doubt you'd stay awake longer than the first sentence.”

Throwing his hands up as in defense, the pilot tried to look as innocent as he could, knowing that Tali wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth either way. "Hey, I'm just making sure you aren't sneaking in vids between movie nights. I've been waiting for months to see Bloody Mary. I know how hard it is to resist the allure of vampires and all, but you can't leave me hanging like that."

Especially when he'd be losing his movie buddy in a few short weeks.

"I thought we were watching Krantt Hardly Wait." She shook her head, letting out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a sigh. "That's not why you're here. Keelah, you're a bad liar."

"I resent that. I’m an excellent liar.”

“Joker-”

“Fine.” He shifted slightly, trying to find a comfortable position. It was difficult when he spent most of his days sitting in the pilot's chair and the times when he was on his feet were done with excruciating pain. Tugging on his hat, Joker tried his best to appear nonchalant. "I had some techy questions for you. In regards to combat."

Tali straightened, obviously interested in the change in topic. "I can't say I have much experience in combat strategy, minus the obvious geth incursions, but I'll help where I can. What did you want to know?"

"You use a shotgun, right? How do you manage to use your tech while firing? I'm having troub- err, I mean, I've always been interested in knowing how combat and tech can work together."

Tali was silent, studying him... Or maybe just thinking about her answer. Joker couldn't tell with the dark visor covering her face. She was always difficult to read because of it. Usually, he had no reason to worry, he'd always been upfront with her about what he needed and she was the same with him. But now, his skin felt flushed, almost like he was on the verge of sweating, his heart hammering in his chest at an unnatural rhythm. Nerves, anxiety, whatever it was, he wanted to flee from her glowing stare, or to argue so she wouldn't see through his lies. 

"Hmm." She tapped her an appendage against the datapad, bringing up some sort of chart before sliding it to him. "This is what I use when I'm in the field. A shield generator capable of omitting frequent bursts of energy if an enemy gets too close. It doesn't last forever and a point blank blast can almost always disable it, but it's good for a temporary solution. If you use a close range weapon, like a shotgun, it can keep you safe for a brief time."

The schematics were all gibberish to him, most of it written in quarian jargon or some type of tech lingo. Joker was good with flying and all manner of ships and their systems, but combat tech was an entirely different world. He'd have to research what it all meant, of course, but he could start here. Increasing his character’s shield output and finding a way to get close might be the thing he needed to defeat the Goose.

With a grateful smile, Joker took a moment to copy it to his own datapad, earmarking a few things he might want to follow up on before finding his feet. "Thanks for the help, Tali."

"If you have questions, I can talk about shields and tech all day." Tali teased him, a smile in her voice. He nodded, turning to head over to the coffee pot, hoping the machine wasn't full of Shepard's sorry excuse for coffee, when the quarian continued. "And Joker, good luck with your extranet game."

His cheeks flared red as he shuffled away, mumbling a thanks under his breath and trying to save his dignity by not tripping over his feet.

~~~~

Garrus was working on the Mako... again. He was always working on something: the tank, the battery, the Normandy's cannons, tinkering with the armory of sniper rifles. Either he was an overachiever or just enjoyed being overworked. Joker wasn't entirely sure if that was part of being a turian or if it was who Garrus Vakarian was, but he was exhausted watching him work so damned much.

Leaning heavily on his crutches, Joker stared at the bony legs sticking out from beneath the IVF, the only sound that of an omnitool combined with the clicking noise of some sort of tool hitting the undercarriage of the tank. He didn't know what the turian was up to, but most likely, Shepard was going to have to force him to stop whatever it was and get some rest.

In the meantime, however...

"What the hell are you doing?"

Garrus jumped at the intrusion, smacking his head into the undercarriage before letting out a low whine. Sliding out from under the tank, he was already rubbing his plates with a talon. Joker was greeted with a beady blue eyed glare in response.

"Hm. Didn't know turians scared easily."

"We don't."

"Whatever you say, Vakarian." Joker leaned on the railing next to the Mako, grateful for something that could hold him up that wasn't his own body. With a grin, he leaned forward slightly, meeting Garrus's glare with no fear. "You know, if you're such a scaredy cat, you can use that stick up your ass as a weapon."

"Ha ha." Garrus intoned, sitting up and rubbing his face again, stretching his mandibles in either annoyance or pain. Could've been both, but Joker didn't know much about turian facial expressions. If Shepard was here- 

No, he was mad at her. He didn't need her help anyway.

"Any particular reason you're staring at me, Joker?" Garrus asked, finally getting to his feet, closing the omnitool before reaching up to adjust his visor. The orange glow receded, leaving them in the light of the dull white from above, casting shadows along the metal flooring. "I know humans have a tendency to find turians attractive, but you never struck me as the type."

Joker couldn't help it, he blushed from the tips of his ears down to his toes. He didn't- there was no way. There was nothing about Garrus he could possibly find attractive. He reminded him too much of Shepard at times. Then there was the stick that lived up his ass. No, the only thing that Garrus ignited in him was a desire to poke fun at him.

"No!" The denial burst from his mouth, completely embarrassing him as much as his red cheeks did. "I like the asari, blue and beautiful, and you know, with five fingers."

Garrus clicked his mandibles together.

What the fuck did that mean? Sir Isaac Newton, this was a mistake.

"I'll let Liara know of your interest then."

Fucking hell, this needed to end. "No, that's alright. You don't need to do or say anything. I was looking for you for... non-romance reasons." Clearing his throat, he glanced around the shuttle bay, hoping to find anything to distract himself with. The sight of the armory lockers gave him a sudden idea. "Uh, sniper rifles."

"Sniper rifles?"

"I was wondering if you could show me the best way to hit your target. Tricks, tips."

"That so?"

"Maybe a demonstration? I was interested in learning how a rifle works. Just in case."

That was the stupidest fucking excuse he might've come up with yet.

Garrus cocked his head slightly, watching Joker with a piercing gaze that definitely saw through his bullshit. "Are you sure this isn't some sort of romance thing? Because, if so-"

With a sigh and another burst of color along his cheeks, Joker tried not to choke on the words as he forced them out, panic making it difficult to do anything that didn't include fleeing. This sort of thing was why he was only friends with a handful of people. "Stop saying that. If you don't want to help-"

"I didn't say that." Garrus countered, replacing his wrench to the toolbox at his feet. When he straightened up, he met Joker's gaze, searching for something, but thankfully decided to stop teasing him. "Let me clean this up and I can explain the particulars."

Yeah, he was going to regret this.

~~~~

He was an idiot.

After the embarrassing interactions with Tali and Garrus, he'd hoped he could find someone who had any idea how to help him with his Goose problem. Tali's shield trick and Garrus's scope training would only do so much and despite it only being for a video game, he truly didn't want to embarrass himself anymore. Not in the game or outside of it.

So who did he decide to ask?

Fucking Urdnot Wrex.

Asking a krogan for help was only going to end one of two ways: Every single bone in his body was going to end up broken, crushed beneath enormously strong hands. Or, Joker was going to end up dead from Wrex's 'help'.  Neither option sat particularly well with him.

Yet, despite all of that, Joker sat in front of Wrex as the krogan cleaned his shotgun, watching with perverse fascination as the krogan gently lifted the weapon, cradling it as if it was a newborn child in need of extra care. He was positive that krogan didn't treat their legitimate young as kindly as Wrex treated his gun.

"So, whelp, what did you need help with?" Wrex kept a singular blood red eye on Joker even as he cleaned the gun.

"I need help... with a guy." Joker said, evasively, trying to figure out how offended Wrex would be if he flat out asked for help with an extranet game. He'd never seen the krogan laugh, or really be affectionate with anyone but Shepard. He didn't know how far he could push before he ended up as a human pancake on the floor of the ship.

"Killing him?" Wrex asked, tossing the rag he'd been using on the bench before inspecting his weapon. "My favorite part is the killing."

I know, Joker thought, casting his gaze around for any sign of another person. He wasn't picky at this point. He'd gladly take Garrus's teasing again if it meant he didn't need to have this conversation at all. Garrus might even be able to distract Wrex so he could sneak away, hide until the krogan forgot he'd ask him for anything-

"You humans think too much."

Joker realized silence had fallen between them and he awkwardly swung his feet, the stool he sat on shaking with the movement. "Yeah, we do. Look, Wrex-"

"Human."

Joker ignored the implied insult. "I don't want to kill anyone. I need to beat him at his own game." 

Wrex stared at him, in some sort of aggressive confusion. "Is this some stupid human idiot?"

"Idiom." Joker corrected automatically and Wrex's nostrils flared at that. He wondered if he'd be able to make it to the elevator before Wrex reached him. "It doesn't matter. I just need to know a good place to hit someone to take them down easily."

"The quad."

"Yes, that tends to work on most species." Joker said, trying not to let a sigh slip out. "I meant other places. Fleshy places that might bring a human down."

Wrex chuckled, dark and deep, and it sounded like a threat. "No place easier than the dangly bits, kid. Hit 'em where it hurts and hit 'em hard."

Joker figured it wasn't a bad option. He wasn't sure if he could apply it in a video game, however.

"Thanks for the help, Wrex."

"Anytime, kid."

~~~~

"I can't believe you asked Wrex for help." Shepard said, holding her sides as she laughed, not even noticing the glare that Joker sent her. Though, if she did, she would've just ignored it and laughed some more. "What did he say when you told him you didn't want to kill anyone?"

Joker grumbled under his breath, easily keeping pace with Shepard since she could barely walk with how she laughed. "We aren't friends anymore."

"Oh, come on, Jeff. You did this to yourself." She glanced at him with a smile. "If you'd just asked me-"

"You would've found more reasons to make fun of me."

"Yes, but I also would have helped you. I know someone else who plays this game and they're pretty good."

"Yeah, right. No one is better than me."

She raised an eyebrow at him and he promptly shut his mouth. Oh, right. The entire reason for this charade was because somebody was better than him. He didn't respond, only stared ahead as they got to the elevator that would take them to the mess hall. 

"You don't believe me." She said once the door shut behind them, the ship nearly silent in the tiny elevator shaft. It was always eerie how quiet it got once those thick doors closed.

"I never said that."

She snorted, undignified and all. "You don't have to. I can see it written on your face."

"Stop reading my face."

Shepard rolled her eyes, leaning against the wall of the elevator with her arms crossed over her chest. "You get so grumpy when you're embarrassed. Will you just let me help you?"

He resisted the urge to snap at her, to tell her to mind her business, that she'd done enough to 'help' him in recent months. Instead, knowing that he was going to regret trusting her, Joker nodded, refusing to look directly at her. If he did and she gave him even the smallest twitch of a smile, he might lose his nerve and just space himself. The doors opened to the mess hall, the wide open space empty except for Kaidan and Dr. Chakwas. Kaidan was sitting at the table, a coffee and simple breakfast laid out next to a report he was working on. 

The good doctor gave them a nod as he and Shepard entered, raising her mug of tea in greeting before disappearing into her office. Walking to the large dining table, Shepard lifted herself onto it, sitting cross legged across from where Kaidan ate, peering over at the report he was writing.

"Hey, Kai. Do you think you could help our friend here with something?"

"I'd love to, but I'm a bit busy at the moment." He waved at the log next to him. Rows and rows of armory items with marine assignments next to the ones that'd been given out. Boring as hell paperwork. Then again, most paperwork was boring.

"This is more important than equipment inspections, LT."

"Hackett might think differently, Commander."

"And he's perfectly allowed to do so as long as he stops bothering me." Shepard nudged the portable terminal towards him, a sly smirk on her face. "I have more fun things for us to discuss."

Joker didn't like the look on her face and he realized he'd walked into a trap. This had been her plan all along. To get him and Kaidan alone... Gods, how stupid was he?

"Do you still play that N7 game?" 

"N7 Code of Honor: Medal of Duty?" Kaidan took a sip of his coffee, dark eyes glancing in Joker's direction briefly before returning to Shepard. 

"Yeah. Our hot shot pilot here needs some pointers on how to beat this guy who keeps kicking his ass. I remember how good you were when we used to play." Shepard leaned back, placing her hands on the table behind her, a satisfied smirk on her face. "What do you say to being Joker's mentor?"

Kaidan glanced at him shyly and Joker swore there was a light dusting of pink on his cheeks. "I have a lot of work to do, Shepard. Maybe another time."

"Oh, come on, Kaidan! You're such a silly goose!" Shepard glanced in Joker's direction and it hit him like a skycar. This... no...

Kaidan's blush only darkened and he buried his face in his hands. 

Shit.

"You're CanadianGoose51!" The words burst from him before he could stop them and he felt like his world just tilted beneath his feet. Scrambling to reach for a chair, he found that Shepard had already pushed one out for him to sit in. 

Kaidan dropped his hands to the table, grimacing at the mention of his username. "Please don't spread that around. I'd rather people didn't know."

"You're... amazing! And infuriating!" Joker stared at the biotic in front of him, finding it hard to believe that this quiet and kind man was the one destroying him in a damned game. He might even be a little in love. "How many hours have you logged?"

"Too many." Kaidan looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. "Joker, if I'd known you were HotShotPilot, I wouldn't have gone so hard on you."

"Why? You think I can't beat you on my own?" Joker wanted to be angry about that, but nothing Kaidan did was to purposely hurt someone. He was too fucking nice.

Kaidan met his gaze. Joker didn't know what he saw when he looked at him, but he wasn't angry anymore. Not if it was Kaidan winning the matches. 

"If you think I'm going to let you give me a win, you've got another thing coming. We're going to have a rematch and I'll wipe the floor with you. I'm going to make you whimper like a baby."

Shepard coughed, covering her mouth with her hand, but he heard what she was trying to hide easily. "You'd like that."

The back of Joker's neck flared with embarrassment, but Kaidan didn't seem to hear her. He only smiled, a devious twinkle in his eyes that made Joker's stomach tie up in knots. "It's a date then."

He didn't know why that sounded so good, but Joker was actually looking forward to it.

[average-mako-enjoyer]

So I just read this post by @mosscreeperao3, and boy, do I have to talk about this.

Shepard and Kaidan are 200% disastrous parents.

Shepard simply has no idea what to do with a baby, because he and "baby stuff" are so far apart you can't see a light coming from there. There's no protocol for dealing with "baby stuff" and no amount of sheer luck will help in the long run, so when something goes wrong, Shepard's first thought is "Fuck-fuck-fuck, I'd know what to do if this baby was a gun… WHY ISN'T IT A GUN????"

You can leave a toddler with him, though. The child would be entertained by:

movies with explosions

unhealthy amounts of unhealthy snacks

scary stories from outer space that will scar a toddler for life

He can also teach a toddler how to handle a frag grenade, which is a useful thing to know.

Meanwhile, Kaidan likes the idea of having a baby, but in practice it would probably look like this:

Kaidan: "Oh my God, it's so tiny! And fragile! Why is it making that noise? Did I do something wrong? OH MY GOD, WHAT IF I HURT IT WITH MY BIOTICS?"

So he would basically treat a baby as if it were a frag grenade, and Shepard knows how to deal with the frag grenades, so they complement each other on that level as well. But what Shepard doesn't know is how to deal with the "baby stuff," so Kaidan would call his mom, and then Chakwas, and then Dr. Michelle (and every other doctor he knows), and then he would be so stressed out that he would take one of those migranes, the real ones, and that's enough baby stuff for today, Kaidan.

But he's also really good with toddlers, because he's a connoisseur of unhealthy snacks and he knows how to throw things around the room with his mind in a really fast and spectacular way. But he's a terrible helper when it comes to homework. Contrary to popular belief, Kaidan has never been a real A student, he's been all about creatively avoiding homework by making people think he's an A student. And he was very successful at it.

The only person on the Normandy squad who really knows how to handle babies is Wrex. He has a natural talent.

And Samara too, because she's infinitely patient and basically excellent at everything.

Kaidan and Shepard can both learn, and we all know that they can learn FAST, but damn, if those two had a baby, it would be an absolute disaster at first.

And I honestly think that the only version of Shepard that would be totally comfortable with the idea of having a baby is a Shepard from the blue ending. 50+ million years of collective experience can do that to a guy.

[milkywayes]

As someone who greatly enjoys your turian HCs and given your recent art, I must ask: How do you think Garrus feels about dressing up? Does Shep enjoy seeing him all gussied up? Was he that teen with the turian equivalent of logo tees and beanies? Did his parents dress up for Hierarchy events given Castis’ tier?

ooooh hell yeah thanks for the questions, i love this. gonna be a long one

my thoughts/HCs are as thus:

generally speaking, at least for heterosexual relationships turian women are the ones to approach a potential partner and the males will attempt attracting them by looking good / having a good reputation and accomplishments. long fringes are supposed to impress, hence why only the men evolved them, but it would make sense to me that they’d try to dress up even more to better their chances. picture men in a turian bar posing and wearing their finest outfits to stand out. hell, even turian armor is kind of fancy compared to what other species don. their civvies are very elaborate. it tracks.

but then there’s garrus, who… is just not very interested in all that. i like imagining that the ‘bad turian’ thing goes beyond not being an obedient soldier. so he does not enjoy dressing up. he’s never actively tried attracting a partner like that, and he got shepard without trying, even if he’s still not sure how he pulled that off. to say he’s out of his depth and feeling awkward is an understatement. he got the high rank in the hierarchy in the least straight-forward way imaginable, probably without precedent. he stumbled his way sideways into this gig by uhhh being himself, which is an uncompromising maverick idealist, and by trying to do right by shepard and their mission. not by acting how other turians expected him to.

shepard enjoys it, which is probably the only redeeming factor to garrus. a good chunk of that enjoyment is mirth because she loves when garrus is feeling awkward. it’s a big contrast to his usual confidence and swagger, which she also loves, but rarity’s a factor and she’s gonna take any entertainment she can get from attending these shit functions. (she’s going in utilitarian dress blues, suit and pants combo herself. no jewelry. you can’t make her. lmfao.) that said, he also looks hot in that getup. no complaints from her. or anyone else in attendance. she could point this out to garrus but he wouldn’t believe her. he can be an arrogant bastard, even after getting the scars, but he’s already feeling insecure about his place in the hierarchy and at the event, so there’s none of that right now. at least not for the first half hour. he catches her ogling him a couple times and that does end up boosting his confidence.

as a teen i think he just wore uniforms. i can’t imagine that turian schools don’t have uniforms. i don’t think he’d have had the interest to modify them, he’d have put that energy elsewhere (weapons mods. lol), so you wouldn’t have been able to tell just from looking at him that he’s a bit of a weirdo. but you’d notice fast enough upon meeting him. maladjusted child/teen garrus is important to me. he was lucky he was cute and got good grades.

as for his parents… castis wouldn’t be on palaven often enough to attend lots of hierarchy functions, and while i think mama vakarian had a very respectable tier for her age, only the real high ups who had to impress and be seen by the public really attend galas and such. the couple they did go to, they’d have dressed up, but maybe not as much as i dressed garrus up in that drawing - castis was no advisor to the primarch, and my headcanon for him says he prefers things to be utilitarian. a ‘let my work speak for itself’ kind of guy. he’ll do all that is required, and he’ll be meticulous about it, but he has no love for extravagance.

the funny thing is, castis and garrus are very alike in some ways but then their respective belief systems diverge so heavily that the things they have in common end up working against each other / their relationship lol. they both live for their ideals, they’re stubborn as all get out, they don’t do things just to appease other people.

garrus has more of a swagger though. and he’ll be extravagant - but mostly when showing off his sniping skills. put dangly, sparkly chains on him and he’ll act like a hapless cat that just had something put on their body against their will.