#Gotta Pay the Beast Tax | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chasseurdeloup · 1 year

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Gotta Pay the Cheese Tax || Elias and Kaden

TIMING: Current LOCATION: Grotte de Fromage PARTIES: @eliaskahtri and @chasseurdeloup SUMMARY: Elias and Kaden both stumble upon the grotte de fromage and find more than just cheese in there. CONTENT WARNINGS: None!

Kaden wasn’t sure what he expected to find by following the smell of cheese floating through the woods to wherever it led. It definitely wasn’t the mouth of a cave and yet, there he was, standing in one. The stench was potent like brie gone bad. Possibly. It was actually hard to tell if it had gone bad or not considering the way the entire town smelled at the moment. Still, while on his hunt, he couldn’t just ignore the lure of cheese. Sure, it was probably inedible but curiosity won out. He had a working theory that maybe some campers had cheese with them and were either injured or died and now the cheese had spoiled. Then again, if it had been out there that long, why had no beast or monster taken it? There were questions and they demanded answers.

“Hello?” he called out into the cave. His voice bounced back at him, echoing against the walls that went farther back than even he could see with his enhanced vision. Kaden reached for his shotgun and loaded it as silently as he could manage. “Anyone here?” He tried to remain still, holding the weapon ready in case any answer that came back to him wasn’t friendly.

Ever since Elias had found a posting online about a supposed cheese cave that existed somewhere in the woods of Wicked’s Rest, he knew he had to check it out. Whether it be a good or bad idea, he would see for himself. Plus, he had vowed he wouldn’t venture too far into cave, just in case it got dangerous. He wasn’t much for cave exploration, but moving to a new town full of new adventures had sparked something in him. So that’s how he found himself in a stinky cheese cave, absolutely in awe that something like this could possibly exist. “This place is awesome!” He exclaimed, right before he heard someone call out into the cave. He shut his mouth closed, eyes wide as he realized he was no longer alone. “Uh! Hi?” He called back to the stranger at the front of the cave. “I promise I wasn’t eating it!” He then added, eyes darting back and forth. Not that he didn’t want to, there was a morbid curiosity that ate away at him, taunting him to eat the stinky cheese. “Do you uh… know who owns this place?” He decided to ask, walking toward the entrance of the cave. “Oh! I’m Elias!” He then added, coming to a sudden stand-still as he realized he came face to face with a man wielding a weapon. He held his hands up in the air, realizing he may have found himself in more trouble than he intended.

When the voice echoed back, Kaden knew still couldn’t say what or who was waiting in the caves but he had a solid guess he wasn’t dealing with any monsters yet; only an idiot. The hunter lowered his weapon as the man approached him, hands up. “I’m not gonna shoot you, don’t worry,” he said. “I mean unless you give me a reason to, I guess.”

Kaden peered past Elias into the depths of the cave and was pretty sure he saw cheese back there. Cheese? Just sitting around in a cave? “Putain de merde,” he muttered to himself, almost forgetting the guy standing right in front of him. “Oh. Yeah. Kaden,” he added. He couldn’t help but take a step around Elias to get a better look at whatever the hell was happening here. “I didn’t even know this was here, let alone who owns it. And judging by the smell, you don’t want to eat this right now anyway.” He wasn’t exactly going to call the cheese fresh based on that scent. “How the hell did you wind up here, anyway? And what even is this? It can’t just be a damn cave full of spoiled cheese.”

Elias grinned as the man started questioning him. It had been his first excursion into one of the many mysteries the town had to offer. The forums hadn’t been too specific on location, so he’d been hiking the better part of the day just to find the place. But one thing was for certain, the smell couldn’t lie. “I’ve heard all sorts of weird things about this place.” He began, pulling up one of the forums on his phone from a tab he had kept up. “Apparently the cheese is fresh during the winter, but it’s hard to climb to because of the ice.” He had explained, scrolling down the list of claims. “And that those who eat it start acting weird.” he eyed the rotting cheese, shaking his head. “I may be curious, but I’m not that curious,” Elias confessed, giving a sheepish grin at the idea of eating the rotten cheese. He had a sensitive enough pallet as it was, thank you very much.

“And!” He added, excitable nature never ceasing to fail, “some people have reported an apparent highland cow with glowing eyes somewhere in the cave.” He waved his hands in a conspiratorial manner, then slipped his phone back into his pocket. “Also, I promise I won’t do anything to make you use that thing.” He added, pointing to the stranger he now knew as Kaden. “Seeing as how you seem shocked to find this place, what brought you up around here? Were you hiking or something?”

The creases between Kaden’s brow deepened the more this Elias guy talked. “Where did you hear all this?” The hunter hadn’t even known this place existed and here he was, searching it out? He knew this town was weird but putain de merde, this was something else. He loved cheese as much as the next person but who would want to come here while it was rotting? “I’ve got a feeling by ‘weird’ they mean ‘sick to their stomach.’” Part of him wondered if weird was code for something supernatural but he had a hard time buying it. It didn’t surprise him that there were some stupid rumors about the goddamn cheese in the cave, people were always like that. Once something was gossip, it was inevitable that at least half of the information going around about it was false. He wasn’t sure why the hell anyone would need to embellish that kind of shit considering the smell alone kept him from even considering eating the cheese. And it took a lot to make him ignore cheese altogether.

That said, the red-eyed ‘highland cow’ rumor was much more concerning to him than the weird cheese rumors. “Somehow I have to doubt that. Cows aren’t going to live in a cave, there’s nothing for them to eat in there. Not to mention they don’t have glowing red eyes. Must be people seeing shit or trying to scare their friends.” Kaden had a feeling that none of this was as simple as he just made it out to be, but he had a duty to protect people from the supernatural, including the knowledge of it all. Even if he suspected that there was something more to this, it was best if Elias didn’t. It might also be best if he left, just in case that highland cow showed up. “Me?” he asked, trying to buy himself some time to come up with an explanation. “I was out here hunting. For…” Putain, he should know what hunting season it was considering his damn job, but he hadn’t memorized it yet. “Deer. I smelled this,” he said, gesturing at the air around them, “and I got curious. You really came out looking for this thing? How the hell do people even know how to get here?” It wasn’t exactly a straight and easy path through the woods and there sure as hell wasn’t a trail.

Elias kept his sunny disposition up as the man interrogated him on his knowledge, something he wasn’t ready to give up, not to just anyone. Of course there were forums deep on the internet of all the juicy small town gossip for him to find. Some of it was on neighborhood apps deep down somewhere, others were on websites about a weird places they grew up. He had learned tips and tricks over the years, especially when he was pursuing his degree in the tech industry. “I have my sources,” he told the man vaguely, shrugging a shoulder. “Gotta know where to dig on the internet, there’s a lot you can find with a few key words.” He shoved his phone back into his pocket, but not before taking a few quick pictures of the weird cheese cave.

“I told you, I spent the better half of the day trying to find it.” He explained, pointing to the hiking pack he had on his back. “When it comes to discovering the truth, I’m in it to win it.” He gave another grin, clearly seeing absolutely nothing wrong with tracking down a cave based on weird leads on various forum posts scattered across the internet. “And if the cow is in here, I plan on finding it, or you know. What it actually is.” He gestured to the cave’s natural winding path, it was practically begging for him to go and explore it.

“Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go back to exploring the stinky cheese cave in pursuit of knowledge! And you can go back to your…” he scrunched up his nose, he had never quite understood the nature of hunting and why people thought it was a fun pastime. “...deer hunting.” He finally finished, then turned around and began walking further into the cave, pulling his flashlight out of the side of the backpack to light his way. Even if it was just a stinky cave, he was going to explore it all, dammit.

Kaden’s brow raised with every sentence Elias spoke. This whole thing got weirder by the second. Sure, a cheese cave in the middle of the woods was weird. A monster living in it? Weird, but honestly to be expected in this town. People knowing about it and talking about it on the internet? Fucking weird. And possibly dangerous. If people were openly discussing the supernatural, that could cause all sorts of trouble. He made a note to try and pry those ‘sources’ out of the man sometime later when he had a chance. Assuming they both lived to see tomorrow. It seemed like Elias had a death wish or simply no sense of self-preservation.

“Woah, wait, you want to find it?” Kaden was stunned in place for a second. “Putain de merde,” he grumbled to himself as he trotted to catch up with Elias. “Come on, that sounds sort of dangerous. Why don’t you just head back and show the internet your cheese photos instead?” He didn’t need to wait for an answer from the other man to know that wasn’t going to work. “At the very least, let me come with you. I’m animal control. I can help if the ‘cow’ is aggressive. And it probably will be if you just wander into its territory without a goddam plan.”

There was a little voice in the back of Elias’s head that told him this was a terrible idea, that just because he found the cheese cave at all didn’t mean he had to seek out this mysterious cow with glowing eyes. The odds that it was even real in the first place was low, and if it turned out to be something was in the cave like a bear? He was acting in such a way that it was going to get him hurt. He stayed still for a long moment after Kaden told him he would go with. Putting someone else at risk just made him feel even more uneasy about it.

He slowly turned around, a sheepish smile on his face. “I mean, yeah we could.” He paused, looking toward the cave’s path going onward in front of them. “What if it’s a bear?” He wondered aloud, looking to the walls of the cave. Man, it really did smell like rotting cheese in there. “M-maybe I talked myself out of it,” he confessed as he scratched at the back of his head, feeling silly. “Well I’ve found the cave, so maybe I should head back before it gets dark, right?” He gestured to the exit of the cave that was currently being blocked by the supposed hunter.

Kaden hadn’t expected the sigh of relief that left his lungs, but he should have. “Good plan.” He stepped to the side and had to resist placing his hand around Elias’s back and pushing him out towards the mouth of the cave. Instead, he simply opened up the way for the other man and gestured him out of the fucking cave full of cheese.

He was about to turn and follow him when he felt the sensation of ice dripping down his spine, sending chills through him. Putain de merde. The “red-eyed cow” that sounded more like a bies or a catoblepas than a cow. Could even be something worse than that. Either way, Kaden really hadn’t planned on finding out. Not today, at least; not while someone else was here. It seemed like his plans didn’t fucking matter because the beast lurking somewhere deep inside the cave was coming to them. The hunter faced Elias and put his finger to his lips, hoping that remaining quiet and slowly shuffling out of there would be enough. Kaden wasn’t taking any chances and raised his gun again, pointing it towards the darkness as he walked backwards into the light.

Okay, alright, maybe they were safe. Maybe whatever was there had decided to leave them alone. Maybe it–

A high pitched squeal rang through the caves as a blur of fur sprung out of the darkness and towards the two men. Fuck. “Run!” he shouted to Elias, as if he needed any indication to get the hell away from the creature. It was gray, the size of a large dog, Kaden could hear the click of sharp nails against the cave floor. He took one shot. Then another. And another. If any hit, it didn’t matter, the beast barely slowed. Kaden continued to back up, quick as he could, gun still aimed at the monster, but his heel caught on an edge of the rocky ground and he found himself tumbling onto his back. “Just run!” he shouted again to Elias as the creature pounced onto Kaden. Giant fucking rat. Great, an ROUS. He held the shotgun across his chest, using it to brace against the monster, doing his best to push it away, kicking to try and get it off him. He wasn’t sure he was getting out of there. He had to hope that Elias still had a chance.

Elias, feeling slightly defeated, made his way to the way he had entered. He stopped for a moment, then turned around quickly to snap a quick picture on his phone, for the reminder that he had done it. It was the first time he had done something for his own enjoyment in such a long time, he wanted to remember the moment in all its stinky glory. He smiled to himself, knowing that finally, his life was turning around in a direction that he finally liked.

His happy thoughts were cut short when he heard a loud squeal, followed by a blurred thing. Phone still out, he began to rapidly take more pictures as he began to backpedal, then completely turn around and start running. The mountainside was steep, so it made it awkward to trudge down the path. When he heard the shot, he froze, turning around to see the man that was telling him to run was now pinned to the ground by a… a giant rodent? There was no way what he was seeing was real, right? Sure, he’d seen New York city rats before, but this? This was on a whole different level.

Still frozen in place, Elias remembered what he had packed. A flashlight, in case it got dark, a lantern, in case the flashlight burned out, a blanket, in case he got stuck somewhere, protein bars, a water bottle, and of course, as overkill, a machete. He had always wondered if the blade would come in handy, and finally it had. Quickly, he pulled his backpack off of him and unzipped the pocket, zipper getting stuck as his hands fumbled to keep up with his racing mind. Unsheathing the weapon, he ran at what he could only describe as William Goldman’s dream come to life.

“Hold still!” He shouted as he came over to the giant rat, slicing the back of its neck as hard as he could. The creature shrieked in pain, but turned its sights onto Elias, who quickly pointed the blade in front of him, but clumsily backpedaled, nearly tripping over the uneven terrain as the creature encroached his space, bleeding from the wound that he had created.

As the fangs gnashed closer to his face, Kaden was at least comforted by the fact that Elias had gotten out. He’d hold off the large rodent for as long as he could to let the other man get as much distance as–

Were those footsteps? Was that a zipper?

Putain de merde. Did he come back? What the fuck was he doing? Damnit. He didn’t have time to look over or see what the fuck Elias was attempting. All he knew was that he was going to have to fight harder now.

Kaden screamed out as he thrashed to push the beast away, kicking out where he could. The pressure on top of him only got heavier and heavier and the hunter was sure that he was going to lose this struggle.

And then Kaden was kicking thin air. The hell? All of the weight that had been stacked on top of him was gone; the monster screeched and had changed its target. The hunter felt the blood dripping onto him from the rat’s fur. Elias must have taken a slice out of it. At least that’s what it looked like. He sat up and saw the man with a machete in hand backing away, the beast hissing and about to strike.

Whatever Elias had done, it hadn’t been enough to stop the monster, only anger it. There was no time to grab a weapon, no time to put himself between the two of them. So he leapt forward and threw himself onto the beast’s back, clinging onto it, trying to pin its limbs in, knock it to the ground, fucking anything. “Weapon!” he shouted at Elias, voice muffled by matted, bloody fur and strained by his efforts to hold onto the creature. The hunter couldn’t say if he was asking for a weapon, if he was telling Elias to use his, wasn’t sure, didn’t matter what it was so long as something happened. Soon. Elias stared at the monster that had changed its sights onto him, holding the machete in front of him with wide eyes as they stared each other down. It all happened so fast, the blood dripping from the giant rat thing. The snarling that it emitted, everything about the creature was strange. This thing shouldn’t exist, he found himself thinking to himself, the gears in his head beginning to turn. He was always one to seek out the strange, but he had never gotten to a point where he actually found it. He had always pictured seeking out things, but he never thought about what he would do when he actually encountered it. It was staggering and confusing, leaving him unsure what to do with himself now that he found himself faced with it.

Then, Kaden was shouting at him for the weapon. Snapping back to the present, he saw the man wrestling with the creature. Clumsily, he ran over to the two, driving the blade into the thing’s chest, cringing as he heard the sound it made as the blade drove through the creature. He let go of the blade once the creature went limp in Kaden’s grasp, eyes wide with fear. “What the fuck is that thing?” He exclaimed, backpedaling until he hit a tree behind him, causing him to fall onto his ass. “I…” he couldn’t get himself to form a coherent sentence, none of this made sense. That thing shouldn’t exist. “How…?” He then got out, staring at Kaden. He didn’t seem nearly as freaked out as he was. He knew something about this, he had to.

All he had wanted was to see a cave full of cheese. And while he did find it, he also found a giant rat. Not a New York City subway rat, but a ROUS that rivaled all logic. “I don’t…” he uttered out, shaking his head as he tried to snap himself back into a reality where that creature was just a rabid dog or a small bear. “No.” He then shook his head again, closing his eyes tightly then opening them, as if it would make the thing go away.

Kaden used every bit of strength he had left in him to keep the monster grappled. He wasn’t going to let this fucking oversized rodent tear the other man apart. He wouldn’t let that happen. He wasn’t going to be responsible for any more death, wouldn’t stand aside and watch. But he could feel his grip giving out. The creature was wriggling beneath him and thrashing its way out of his arms. One second longer and he was sure it would break away from his grasp.

The sound of metal slicing through flesh and bone echoed around them and the hunter felt the monster slow, then stop, and finally, fall limp to the cave floor. Kaden collapsed to his knees beside the creature. His arms were shaking from the struggle; he wasn’t sure how he was picking up any of his weapons before heading out, if he could even manage to push himself off the ground just yet. But he didn’t matter. He was fine, he’d recover quickly enough. Kaden’s gaze shot to Elias. He looked more terrified now that the beast was dead than he had when it was attacking them. “Wait, pl–” Kaden pushed himself off the ground and reached out towards the other man, but winced at the pain shooting through his arms. Putain de merde. He shook them out as best he could and then approached Elias.

“Hey, hey,” he said, slowly walking towards the man who looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. “Are you alright?” Stupid fucking question. Right. “Look at me.” He waved his hands a little, crouching down to try and get Elias’s attention on himself, away from the dead monster just a few feet away. “Are you hurt?” He was pretty sure that the guy didn’t know one way or another and gave a quick ancillary check for any wounds. He didn’t see anything gushing blood or completely out of place so at least there didn’t appear to be any emergencies. “Just breathe, alright? You’re okay. Breathe.”

Elias felt like he was in another world in that moment. Rats were not supposed to get that big, nor should they. He had never even harmed a fly in his life, and now he had killed an animal? He felt light-headed. He felt like he needed to sit down. Instead, he stood stock still, eyes glazed over as his head continued to race through the horrors of what had just occurred. Sure, it was all fun and games for him when it came to hunting down these things. But the idea of actually finding something that shouldn’t be? That wasn’t supposed to happen. There was supposed to be a scientific explanation for everything in life and everything was supposed to have its place cosmically. Seeing a rat of that size wasn’t possible… was it? Maybe it was a different animal entirely that had a rare mutation. Maybe it should be tested by science. Well… maybe it should have been before he brutally murdered it. Was he a murderer?

Then suddenly, he was being brought back to the present by the man that had caught him in the cheese caves in the first place. What if he hadn’t been there at all? What if Elias had gone in there completely alone and that thing had gotten to him? Okay, no more following leads on the internet until he was a hundred percent sure that it would be a safe hike. Sure, he was a very experienced hiker, he had dealt with bears before. But he wasn’t prepared for rabid creatures that were specifically out to kill. His body felt like it was shaking, was this a panic attack? He had never had one before. Suddenly, Kaden’s face was in his line of sight, and Elias struggled to focus on him.

“I… I’ll…” He kept fumbling over his words. It was hard to make it work right. “I think I need a drink.” He then declared, turning the way he had come. “I… I need to go.” He decided, taking a step away from the stranger, then another. Before he knew it, he was running through the woods at a neck-breaking pace. He couldn’t deal with this. Sure, the idea of finding a cryptid was all well and good, but actually finding one? He’d never thought that far ahead because he wasn’t supposed to be able to find anything! That was the point of being a skeptic with a hint of curiosity. Yeah, this town was definitely weird. And now he had killed something. Something that defied logic and shouldn’t be. He didn’t listen to see if Kaden was trying to follow him, instead he continued to race through the woods away from that stupid cave, that stupid giant rat that rivaled all logical thought. He needed a drink, maybe more.

#writing #para #c: elias #eliaskahtri #gotta pay the cheese tax

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biglisbonnews · 2 years

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MrBeast Sparks Criticism After Helping 1,000 Blind People See Again Jimmy Donaldson, also known as MrBeast, has made a career out of documenting his good deeds on his YouTube to over 130 million subscribers. From giving people cars to donating extraordinary amounts of money to everyone from everyday people to influencers, he is on the extreme end of generosity on the platform. Donaldson took it to another level on January 28 when he posted a video about restoring the sight of over 1,000 blind people.There are many different kinds of blindness, and some are treatable. According to a SEE International surgeon featured in the video, most sight-impaired people with cataracts only need a ten-minute surgery to be able to see again. Unfortunately, barriers such as finances and location prevent many people from getting the proper care they need. In partnership with the organization, Donaldson paid for a thousand people's surgeries, even offering some of them an extra $10,000 dollars. Related | MrBeast Surpasses PewDiePie As Most-Subscribed YouTuberHowever, the feel-good video also sparked a conversation about philanthropy on the internet, healthcare and more. Some pointed out that Donaldson uses his charity to avoid paying taxes. None — PeopleOverProperty (@PeopleOverProperty) 1675032894 Twitch streamer Hasan Piker explained that the video fills him with "rage" because it highlights how most life-saving care is blocked by a "paywall" and it takes a YouTuber doing it for content to help people. In 2021, Donaldson reportedly made $54 million on the video platform alone. \u201cTwitch streamer Hasan explained why he\u2019s filled with rage from watching MrBeast\u2019s newest video where he cures 1,000 people\u2019s blindness\u201d — Dexerto (@Dexerto) 1675098713 And the ethics of filming a good deed has been brought up again as people still debate whether monetizing charitable acts or using them for views negates the impact of what was done. \u201cI will cure your blindness on the condition I get to film and exploit your emotions. Also it's good for my business. \n\nJoin us next week on Mr Beast when I dangle a $1000 in front of some homeless dude and say he can have it if he tells everyone to like and subscribe\u201d — Stych (@Stych) 1675018913 \u201cThe dude who goes by Mr. Beast (idk his real name) could just simply pay for people's surgeries and not film it for content as an exchange. If he was truly doing it to help people he wouldn't monetize the content. It's gross and highly manipulative. I said what I said.\u201d — Antonia. (@Antonia.) 1675102139 Donaldson responded to the criticism on Twitter, confirming he has seen the intense conversation around his history-making act of kindness. \u201cTwitter - Rich people should help others with their money\n\nMe - Okay, I\u2019ll use my money to help people and I promise to give away all my money before I die. Every single penny.\n\nTwitter - MrBeast bad\u201d — MrBeast (@MrBeast) 1675119794 Some people came to the YouTuber's defense, making sure that his good deed didn't go unnoticed. \u201cI don\u2019t care about Mr. Beast I genuinely barely know anything about him, his platform, whatever. \n\nAll I\u2019m gonna say on the matter is that if monetizing good deeds is the means by which 1000 PEOPLE are literally CURED of BLINDNESS, I am 100% okay with monetizing good deeds.\u201d — [HB] RAINEY\u2122 (@[HB] RAINEY\u2122) 1675201519 \u201cThe Mr Beast situation should make it painfully obvious, that you just gotta do what you want, regardless of what people say. You could find the cure for cancer, and some people will still be upset with you.\u201d — Mightykeef (@Mightykeef) 1675177062 For what it's worth, Donaldson himself seems to agree that the government should step in. \u201cI don\u2019t understand why curable blindness is a thing. Why don\u2019t governments step in and help? Even if you\u2019re thinking purely from a financial standpoint it\u2019s hard to see how they don\u2019t roi on taxes from people being able to work again.\u201d — MrBeast (@MrBeast) 1675088051 For what it's worth, it shouldn't take a miraculous act of charity for people to access care. According to the nonprofit organization MyVision, the average cost of cataract surgery is $3,500 and $7,000 per eye. Insurance can help cover some of the cost depending on the plan, if the patient's deductible has been met and the condition that is causing the blindness. Certain eye conditions are not covered by insurance and sometimes even seemingly necessary procedures can be deemed cosmetic or unnecessary, leaving the patient to shoulder the high cost.Below, watch MrBeast's original video.Photo courtesy of Dave Kotinsky https://www.papermag.com/mr-beast-controversy-2659336797.html

#Mr beast #Mrbeast #Jimmy donaldson #Philanthropy #Charity #Jade Gomez#PAPER

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twenytwenytwo · 2 years

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Nov 9 2022

Quick details: The Volvo is alive again. My sleep pattern these days seems to be sleep 4 hours straight, then hour by hour for the next 4. Anxiety low-zero, mostly zero though. I don’t think about anxiety all day basically, but sometimes am unrelaxed, unfocused.

I feel, as I’m sure others do, like I have to get my “shit together”. Like I gotta figure it all out, get my life in perfect order before I can allow myself to relax. I feel like I have to gaze over each department of my life, and feel “Yeah!!” otherwise something is off, like a barely crooked picture on the wall, irritating you from afar.

Perfect order to me would be a combination of feelings and circumstances.

1. I’d have a band of guys I love hanging out with; good friends basically, who I make great music with that is tight and dangerous.

2. A job that is well paying and not taxing on my mind. I still feel attracted to blue collar sorta jobs, despite embarking on the videography journey. I like doing video, I just wish there was no aspect of it that encouraged me to be cool or the best, that sorta vibe. Chimney sweeping sounds simple, kinda fun, and like it doesn’t matter in this relaxing way. Nobody cares, nobody is tryna be cool and getting the head in a knot.

3. A sexy girl who is crazy about me, and I’m crazy about her. I want to fuck. I want to have fun and relax together. Have kids and a home. A grassy property with a studio, some ocean, firewood, chickens n shit. Maybe have some like minded neighbours, who can come over and jam, or sit around the fire in the eve.

Feelings would be excitement, discovery, enjoyment, satisfaction. Potentially vague there, yeah, but oh well.

These are things that make me perceive life more fondly, make me feel like I am winning, and thus put me in a generally better mood where I’m focused on things I like.

“The hardest thing to do in life is focus on your dreams, the easiest thing to do is complain.”

Perhaps all this time spent philosophizing, going for endless walks, trying to articulate my thoughts is just another form of complaining. I’m focused on what’s wrong and not on what I want to/should be doing, like when you’re complaining.

The best thing I can say, while I continuously go off into tangents, is that all that comes into your life should be accepting your invitation. I feel like I’ve forced things into being in my life so far, coerced, tricked, deceived, to get my preference. Why is that bad? Because it’s unenjoyable, anxiety encouraging. In fact, the place that approach comes from is anxiety, and ultimately fear, fear that unless we muscle things, things won’t go our way. It lacks imagination and confidence. If a circumstance is to be, trying to force it to persist longer than it wants to is exhausting and sucks the colour from life. Nothing should take muscle, or coercion, otherwise you will not enjoy because that process takes all your energy.

I’ve learned this in my relationship with Ethan, and my relationship with Izabel. I used muscle to preserve them, which simply postponed the inevitable, and made me anxious and fearful. The anxieties of this past year were all about the immense pressure I put on this circumstances to give me everything I wanted, and secretly thought that losing them would be catastrophic. Ultimately, I lost them, and lived out that mental catastrophe, unaware of what psychological processes were unravelling within me, unaware of what I had been sowing, and now reaping. I was so anxious to be a success, in the vague sense.

- interupted

Tangent: The powerful human desires are like beasts who can be put to work. If they have no task, no ultimate goal, no hamster wheel to run in, no load to pull, they get annoying to experience, because they are roaming the woods looking for something rip apart out of boredom.

Tangent: The desire to be famous, or just kinda huge and superior, “wow they’re so ____, I wanna be like them, and be friends” is the desire to feel like you’re part of a community that values you. To have a role that those around you respect and value, and to feel like (as a result) people wouldn’t hesitate to talk to you, or think fondly of you, or invite to their party or whatever. The desire for fame, cultural significance, is a desire for safety and love from your fellow humans, to be part of something beautiful and life enriching. To celebrate life together and laugh without a doubt. Why are we so bad at identifying that? Perhaps it’s a result of increasing atomization in the world my generation grew up in, rise of useless roles, cubicles, and that cultural icons best illustrated the feeling of value, connection, and celebration of community and wonder. Why is it that we want to achieve that through fame? Perhaps because there’s no way to really “get” friendship, whereas you can (not really tho) “get” fame. It’s a singular checkpoint in the mind whereas friendship is a constantly changing thing, without a clear checkpoint, or point of “got it!”.

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whetstonefires · 3 years

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Hi Whetstonefire! I have a question: was Batman always written as a billionaire? In the 1966 tv show, he was referred to as millionaire Bruce Wayne and in the BTAS series, the only one who implies he's a billionaire is Joker in that one episode with a Joker inspired casino. I kind of associate the billionaire aspect with the power fantasy idea that writers project onto Batman, and since comic book canon changes and doesn't change, I assumed the billionaire thing was a later thing added on.

The billionaire thing is pretty recent inflation, yeah.

Back in the day even through the 80s, not only was he not a billionaire (these did not exist irl yet) he wasn't even one of the epic megamillionaires!

There's a memorable bit early on in NTT, which I reference way too often because I have it digitized lol, where Dick specifically says during the pool party at Gar's house that Beast Boy's adoptive dad, Steve Dayton, the Doom Patrol's Mento and world's fifth-richest man, makes Bruce Wayne look middle-class. This was like. 1983.

Three things changed.

One, societally. Ronald Reagan's power bloc dropped the top marginal tax bracket and a lot of corporate regulation through the floor, and a massive amount of financial profiteering that had been held in check since the Depression started, leading us toward the existence of heretofore undreamed-of heights of megawealth. Our cultural perception of what it meant to be a rich person changed drastically between 1975 and 2005.

Two, comics as a whole. They got darker and meaner and aimed at Serious Adults (this is a lie) and clung to a definition of realism thinner than the outfit of the average superheroine, and as a result the emphasis on Bruce Wayne's money as an effective superpower had to get punched up to counter his inherent ludicrousness.

Three, Batman in particular got grimmer and more embedded in a power fantasy that was about--well, about power itself rather than the liberating experience of having it to rely on, if you know what I mean? Batman's always been a power fantasy but the type has changed a lot over time.

Partly that's the grimdark and the realism meaning he's not allowed to win as consistently or with as little pain, so the power needs to be punched up to retain the fantasy element, and partly it's because the target audience was becoming people who cared about money on a more intimate level. Lot of stuff going on.

Anyway they jacked him up to Competing With Luthor For Wealthiest Man Alive and started quoting him net worths greater than all money that existed, only our economy so fucking fucked and broken that there are now real people with notional fortunes larger than those early pieces of absurdity.

So yeah, billionaire batman is a pretty recent development and we should not lose sight of to what an extent that's because billionaires are a relatively recent development that have no business existing.

Like abstractly if a unit of currency was worth .6 pennies and I got forty million currencies to spend the existence of a billionaire would still be unreasonable, but in our world where one currency won't buy you a soda and our baseline rate of pay is about 5 sodas an hour, there's just. It's never going to make sense that that's a thing.

And honestly it breaks Batman on a conceptual level in a way that 'I don't believe a man with only 600 million currency could afford a space suit' really does not.

Gotta say though that declaring his personal fortune is in the billions and then having him commit white collar crime to pay for bat stuff on the company dime is a special kind of low and writing fail and I'm not yet over it lol.

#ask #wealth #batman #inequality #comics #reaganomics #hoc est meum

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quinngefail · 3 years

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HEHEEHEOOO

SO. I'm gonna start posting my stuff on this guy and the series I'm developing around him 8) I've been working on it since last September and THERE'S GONNA BE A GOOD AMOUNT TO COVER but for now it's best to start with the central character of this whole mess, the man who I've named the series as a whole after: Jamie Jones.

In theory, nothing should be too unordinary about his life- he got through school relatively fine, has a good relationship with his parents, graduated from college with a career waiting for him- but, as soon as he entered this new chapter of his life, the happenings began. Suddenly, he was finding himself being roped into the business of otherworldly creatures, beasts from hell, possessed dolls, backwoods cannibal families, hauntings; you name it, everyone and their mothers seems to want to kill him for one reason or another, and he’s probably encountered all of those individuals by (usually) simply just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, after regularly dealing with all this while also trying to juggle things from his normal life, i.e. trying to make a living at his suffocating office job, paying bills, taxes, finding parking, a shitty landlord, etc.- it’s not hard to see why after years and years of this, at the age of 30 he’s extremely jaded and aloof and tired.

The horrors beyond human comprehension don’t scare him at all anymore, and dealing with ooh what monster is trying to kill me for whatever reason today has beome no more than a tiresome, infuriating chore. Besides, it seems nothing can ever hurt or kill him anyway- something he himself has never really fully acknowledged. But he sure has a special immunity to death, and maybe at this point it’s sheer, unbridled spite that propels this refusal to die. He doesn’t see himself as a hero, nor does he want to be one- he just want to live a normal life, man- someone’s gotta do it, and it seems God has decided Screw This Guy In Particular and Jamie has a seemingly neverending, extremely exhausting, eye-bag-upon-eye-bag-upon-eye-bag creating load on his plate. Though, at the end of the day, he always has his loving fiance, Warner Wells, to come home to- and that’s what makes everything seem not so bad. Because though Jamie is certainly motivated by spite, love is also (and an even stronger) motivator to get up and keep going no matter what. Now if only he and Warner could actually get married without some supernatural nonsense always interrupting their attempts at tying the knot.

And yeah the shadow is something that’s just always been on his face, and no amount of light or anything can make it go away- he’s normal, he’s literally just a guy, he’s so normal,

_ _

So YEAA THAT'S A GOOD STARTING RUNDOWN and there will be more soon :))c

#jamie jones #my characters #digital #character design #important happenings #BECAUSE IT'S HAPPENING #horror #oc #original character #knife tw

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emma-what-son · 4 years

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Eat the Rich: Classism in the UK Entertainment Industry

Ohnotheydidnt Jan. 2020: To take you back a few years ago, right when HP was coming to an end, there was HP Blue-ray bonus documentary where Emma claimed to have come from a poor family. How she got pencils as gifts for her bday and how her dad didn’t afford to send her to the school she went to. This post is a great addition to posts I’ve made a few years ago about how Emma wasn’t actually poor growing up. You can find the posts here.

# TimesYa Grammar Kween Emmione Granger has come a long way since her # HeForShe days, taking the criticisms levelled towards her white feminism to heart and upping her activist game. Since that B.A. in English lit from Brown has gotta go somewhere, one only has to look as far as her Twitter and Instagram feeds (I appreciate that she at least uses her massive platform to lend exposure to women of colour, Ireland’s abortion rights, workplace harassment and from someone who has struggled brutally with gender dysphoria, trans visibility—no sarcasm there). Though once upon a time, Justin Bieber’s Disney Doll was under the impression that she could persuade her legion of fans she enjoyed an ordinary upbringing. Notably, in 2009/10 during a set interview for Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (included in the four-disk Blu-Ray bonus documentary When Harry Left Hogwarts) she presented herself in a vulnerable light, stating that when her parents divorced when she was five years old her financial situation was “tight” (transcribed in the gifs below because the doc is no longer on YouTube, boo!).

YUUUSSS KWEEEN! Hermione is an ONTD member like the rest of us! Or *dot dot dot* is she? While her words sound inspiring and classy at face value and being the cute bae that she is she doesn’t deny she was well-educated, what is missing from her version of the tale and her carefully manufactured image, however, is that both the good sis’ parents are lawyers. From around 1995/96 until 2003, she attended the co-educational pre-prep and prep day and boarding institution, Lynams nursery and the Dragon School in Oxford (Tom Hiddlebum and his one shirt was also a pupil). The fees [applied to 2019/20] eat up as much as £31,686 for boarders and £21,768 for day pupils each schoolyear (there are three academic terms in British schooling). Circa 1999-2000, Emma was also a pupil at the Stagecoach Theatre Arts School Oxford Headington, a franchise part-time theatre school (about ten minutes away from the Dragon). According to their website, “The cost per term for Early Stages is £168 and for Main Stages it is £336.” This is simply a luxury skint kids cannot receive without a grant or hardship fund and based on one version of events Emma has told us, it was while she was in attendance at Stagecoach when she was spotted (along with other potentials) by the Potter casting team for the role of Hermione. (I also discovered through related Google searches that some other minor actors from the Potter series, particularly Daniel Radcliffe’s “son” Albus Potter and “mother” Little Lily Potter went to the Dragon School and Stagecoach in Oxford, respectively. “Lily” was even taught by Emma’s former drama teacher and principal, Maya Sprigg—which tells me this woman’s hustle is not a coincidence.) From there, Emma attended Headington until the age of 18, an independent girls’ day and boarding school. The admission fees for Upper 3-5 and Sixth Form day pupils [applied to 2019/20] is £6,090 per term (£18,270 a year); full boarders pay up to £36,630 a year. Last year, the cost for day pupils was £5,884 per term (£17.5k/yr.). In 2016 before the UK referendum, fees for boarders were roughly £28k a year. As for her parents’ professions, her father Chris Watson is Head of the CMS Technology, Media and Communications Group (he has a M.A. from the New College, Oxford). We also know from a December 2010 British Vogue interview that he owns a vineyard in France where Emma spent the summers as a child. Her mother Jacqueline “Jackie” (nee Luesby) joined the Smith & Williamson financial services firm in 2007 as a senior manager for their tax team in London (she previously worked for Morgan Cole, a commercial law firm in Oxford and from circa 1990-95 the tax team Ernst & Young, an accounting firm in Paris, Emma’s birthplace). In a September 2015 British Vogue interview, Emma confirmed her parents worked full-time: “My parents couldn’t take the time off; they had careers and they weren’t together. They couldn’t swap in and out like Rubert Grint’s [sic] and Dan Radcliff’s [sic] parents.” Emphasis on careers, not occupations.

My basic bitch research skills are unable to track down the estimated salaries of her parents’ positions, but the Great British Class Survey classifies lawyers (including telecommunication lawyers and solicitors) as “elite” and the average household income is placed at £89,000 a year. Me thinks her parents weren’t blowing through £89k on pasta, toast and beans. Post-Potter, Emma pulled in $3 to $15 million for 2017’s Beauty and the Beast (obviously, this was a decade ago, but in 2010 she was making around $32 million). In 2018, she donated £1 million ($1.4 million) to Justice and Equality, an anti-sexual harassment fund (disappointing however, the superior Emma Thompson only donated £500, GIRL?!). Guess she figured she should finally throw away pennies of that Potter money from her offshore accounts (‘cause you can’t take it with it you)? In 2019, her estimated net worth is $80 million (about £60.9 million). Before Hermione blessed her with bad hair, Emma was already the slaying Speak & Spell singing Disney princess we deserved. Although, it seems she has since educated herself and changed her tune. In 2018, she introduced Reni Eddo-Lodge’s Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race for her Goodreads book club, writing: “When I heard myself being called a ‘white feminist’ I didn’t understand. […] It would have been more useful to spend the time asking myself questions like: What are the ways I have benefited from being white? In what ways do I support and uphold a system that is structurally racist? How do my race, class and gender affect my perspective?” No one needs to award her brownie points and even if I (along with most of ONTD) am not fond of her tightly controlled PR image, it’s one step towards acknowledging she’s part of a structural, systematic problem and it’s more than what most privileged celebs are willing to do when called out. On the other hand, homegirl needs to be educated on tax evasion. In the meantime, the Oatmeal Queen is living her best life with her Pop Rocks.

#parents

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itsclownhours · 4 years

Conversation

merlin as tumblr posts again because when i edited a typo in the original it fucked up the formatting

everyone: you have to make time for yourself

morgana: *stays up until 1 am every night crying* me time

morgana: ohhhh so the pain is forever and endless i get it now

young!mordred: once i learn how to read and write it’s over for you hoes

lancelot, in cursive: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: what does this say

elyan: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: bitch me neither that’s why i asked

arthur, to merlin, about lancelot: is he...y’know…*gestures downard to super hell*

uther, straight: hey what’s up guys do you want to go get some food

arthur and morgana, gay: ??????

uther: oh sorry i mean asgdhjdhs guys do you??? want some food??? lmao ashdjdjhs

arthur and morgana: oh! agshdjjshsj yeah lmao agshdj

morgana: do you ever associate the word “girlfriend” with wlw so much that you forget straight boys have girlfriends

gwen: am taking care of a tiny kitten. have given it an excellent name. dad thinks i’m calling her “minty” but this is actually short for The Government

gwen: The Government bit my finger and pooped on the floor

gwaine: peak art is when you were like six and you scribbled all over ms paint and then carefully paintbucketed in all the different shapes in the scribbles to make “stained glass”

morgause: forcing my car to commit sins so it goes to hell with me when i die

leon, after arthur gives the knights a pep talk: so motivational...time to drill a hole in my skull

morgana: i want to be a she really did that!! kind of girl but i don’t do anything

arthur: pros and cons of being my friend:

arthur: pro: you have a friend

arthur: con: it’s me

gwaine, to lancelot: bro let’s watch a horror movie together...bro you look scared do you wanna share a blanket dude? if you wanna hold hands it’s ok. if you wanna rest your head on my shoulder it’s alright bro...bro if you wanna kiss that’s understandable that was a scary movie...we can keep cuddling after the movie is over it’s alright dude…

lancelot: old town road but he just keeps listing all the places he has horses

gwaine: i got the horses in the back

gwaine: horses on the track

gwaine: horses in the shack and i got horses fetching snacks

gwaine: i got the horses in earth’s core

gwaine: down under the floor

gwaine: horses in the store and i got horses on the moor

gwaine: died and came back as a cowboy i call that reintarnation

morgana: *shows up at college* excuse me will someone please direct me to the leftist brainwashing class? i’m here for the leftist brainwashing class

merlin: finally found someone i was more disappointed in that myself: the entirety of america camelot

morgause: customer (derogatory)

arthur: business major (derogatory)

leon: leonardo dicaprio date a woman over 25 challenge

gwaine: thought that said “leonardo da vinci” and was confused since da vinci was gay and also since you were calling out someone who’s been dead for well over 7 years

leon: well. da vinci has been well over 7 years, i’ll give you that

morgana: the retirement age needs to be lowered to 25. i’ve had enough

gwaine: i’m fucking in luigi’s mansion

leon: who?

gwaine: some italian freak

gwaine: oh you meant who am i fucking. your mom

leon: stop setting things on fire because you’re curious about what will happen. what will happen is fire

gwaine: but what if...something else happens. just this 1 time

morgause: bored? burn an orphan. who’re they gonna tell? their parents?

morgana: due to personal reasons i will be a serial arsonist

mithian: fruit (affectionate)

arthur: going to the fruit (derogatory) store do you want anything

gwen: fruit (salad, yummy yummy)

morgana, to gwen: i’m allergic to hookup culture and too weird to participate anyway. die in my arms

kilgharrah: i am fast and full of teeth. i will die in a barn fire

morgana: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana: evil again

morgause: every day i put on my evil little clothes and do my evil little tasks

percival: megan thee stallion and timothee chalamet are the same age

gwaine: megan thee stallion 🤝 timo thee chalamet

morgana: hey how many swords do you have

morgause: sword of a lot

morgana: blocked

morgause: parried

morgana and gwen simultaneously in 1x10: *chanting* girls with swords girls with swords

morgana: the more knives you have the more valid you are

kilgharrah: blocked. blocked. blocked. you’re all blocked. none of you are free from sin.

morgana: seven deadly sins speedrun

gwaine: i want 6 pet sloths so i can name them after every sin except for sloth

merlin: the eighth deadly sin is networking

arthur: online school culture is constantly wondering if there’s a sneaky little assignment you missed...is it tucked under modules or assignments or heaven forbid, announcements? who’s to say?

gaius: asynchronous learning

merlin, a clown: mmmnaptime

arthur: have you ever just cried because you’re you

elyan, to percival: bro, we are teens . it’s ok to cry around me . i’m your best friend . i love you … bro we are kissing now … no don’t stop bro … bro …

morgana: mad bc i was told as the bride my wedding would be “my day” but actually where will be a whole other bride there and we will have to share it

leon: i’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s about a gender i already know about, what kind of reveal is that

leon: gender reveal party??? no, this is a gender repeal party. we out here revoking genders

gwaine: you’re laughing. i asked you who sings party rock anthem and you’re laughing

gwaine: make no mistake not only am i party rocking but i’m also in the house tonight

elyan: are you shuffling?

gwaine: everyday

morgana: lung extensions

morgana: with extended lungs you can: scream longer, breathe harder, brag about extended lungs

morgana: this procedure is not legal but i will do it for you

morgana: do not tell the police or morgause

morgana: i’m so sick of dna, i’m going to have all mine removed

morgause: good news! this is a real thing that can happen to you

morgana: perfect, sign me up

morgana: if YOU die because i poisoned you...how is that MY fault like i’m sorry you aren’t immune to my poisons i think that’s genuinely something you need to work on. fix yourself before blaming others

arthur: my body is NOT a “temple”...it is a CLOWN CAR and NONE OF THESE BITCHES KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

morgause: live

morgause: laugh

morgause: l u r k

mcdonald’s employee: please sir get off the table

gwaine: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES *dumping bag of fried out onto the floor* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKEN LITTLE ONES

merlin: i relate to vampires because i too must be clearly and specifically invited in before i have the audacity to try to participate in anything

gwaine: it can’t be september, just yesterday is was marchgustuary

lancelot: today’s date: [REDACTED]/[REDACTED]/20

gwaine: why are internet friends not normalized. it’s 2020 they’re probably making robots that will wipe your ass for you and i can’t text grace in the uk and tell her to have a good day? fuck you

percival: imagine if halsey was in beauty and the beast

elyan: are you insane like gaston. been in pain like gaston. bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like gaston

arthur: my dad is learning about pronouns/gender identity and he called me in the middle of the night to tell me he is cis

merlin: ough. those first 400 bites of dirt were not so good. maybe the next one will be better

morgana: i’m at the dark candy store, buying sorrowful ranchers

merlin: i’m surprised no one has ever punched me in the face

gwen: i want a gf so i can send her memes about loving my gf

morgause: oh to cook with my wife and stand directly in front of cabinets and drawers she needs to open

morgause: decided i will no longer be paying taxes. what are they gonna do, tax me more? go ahead. i won’t pay those either. oh i’m going to prison? the one paid for by my tax dollars? sorry, didn’t pay em. now there is no prison. i am at least 3 steps ahead of the government at all times

merlin: lab safety but the teacher just wants to you die

merlin: lab safety: 1. drink whatever’s in that beaker. i know you fucking want to

morgause: my therapist is selling her house so i’m gonna find the listing online and make her living room my zoom backgrounds before our next session. you wanna get in my head? ok well i’m in your home babe. i’m in charge now

morgana: yeah i see why you’re in therapy

morgana: i hate it when people ask me to “explain my thought process” like hell if i know

morgana: what’s going on in that head of yours?” nothing i want to be a part of

mordred: hey girls what’s the hot gossip what’s new what’s the 411

morgana and morgause: everything is bad and getting worse by the day

morgause: common letter greetings from 1889

morgause: dearest my-soon-to-be-enemy

morgause: salutations and i hope you enjoy contact prison

morgause: i hope this letter finds you in a ditch

arthur: *highlights all the wrong and unimportant stuff with full confidence*

merlin: i’ve tried opening my mouth and saying words before and i’ve gotta say, i’m not a fan

morgana: a large group of humans is called a fuck that

website: synonyms for blood: juice

mithian: thank you thesaurus.com, that is absolutely not what i was looking for

gwaine: gen z humor was single-handedly cultivated by the zoo wee mama comic and you can’t convince me otherwise

morgana: screw this it’s halloween now *turns into a swarm of bats them consumes the moon*

morgana: i can’t believe the heterosexuals are gone. they’re gone

uther: we’re still here

arthur: who said that

gwaine: no more france

gwaine: society has progressed passed the need for france

morgause: girls night out (of body experience)

morgana, to morgause: what do you mean “what have i been up to”...i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch

merlin: stop complaining about your life. there are literally people living in camelot

arthur, trying to find new knights: oh so you’re a human? name three pictures with traffic lights in them

gwaine: we mcfreaking lost her doctor

morgause: looking for a wife in the walmart

morgause: arrested for visiting www.killing.com/murder

gwaine, to merlin: no bro this isn’t a date listen bro

gwaine: it’s bruhnch

morgause, to cenred: if you think i’m not interested, you’re right

gwen: put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe

morgana: idk what mad scientist needs to hear this today but your goggles and lab coat are incredibly flattering and all your experiments will block away the scientific community who called you a fool

morgause: i’m gonna fucking die disease

morgause: symptoms: back hurts a bit too much for a bit too long

arthur: if you think i’m annoying now wait until i get over my fear of being perceived as annoying

merlin: sorry if i’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

gwaine: home depot needs more small tunnels for me to crawl through tbh

percival: hot tip: soup is customizable! go wild but know your limits

morgana: brains say “i know a spot” and take you to a traumatic memory from 2011

mithian: “can you multitask” yes actually i am losing my mind and chilling at the same time

morgana: quarantine schedule to keep you on track

morgana: wake up

morgana: neglect online school

morgana: yearn (ongoing project)

morgana: again!

mithian: if cats don’t want to be held like little babies maybe they shouldn’t be roughly the size and shape of little babies

morgause: fuck this pandemic i could’ve ruined 2020 on my own

morgana: a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently

morgana: oh to wear a knife strapped against my thigh beneath a silk dress

morgana, running off with morgause at the end of season 2: i hate this place i want to go to build a bear

morgana, at work: i’m evil

morgana, 1 second after clocking out: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana, the next day at work: evil again

season 2 morgana: i am fine thank you for asking! though recently there has been a darkness growing within me

morgause: *thinks about love* okay well i am just losing my mind and being insane now

arthur: you think you can hurt my feelings? i’ve been the least favorite in every single friendship group i’ve had since i was 8

morgana, staring out the window at arthur and merlin: look at them plotting my downfall

mithian: i wanna buy clown noses in bulk and start sticking them on every person i see whose mask is pulled too low

mithian: oh to be a tiny cat whose biggest concern is the looming threat of being gently picked up and kissed on the head

morgana: i deserve to be kissed

morgana: did you have a homoerotic friendship with a girl in high school that ended in tragedy and you two are never talking again or are you normal?

mithian: just diagnosed with forehead kiss deficiency :/

morgana: i think i’ll continue to wear a mask when this shit’s all over, and huge sunglasses. my face is none of your business

morgause: my therapist told me that sometimes when a person consumes the same piece of media over and over they may be unconsciously coping with a mental block so now i’m trying to figure out what the fuck i was going through that made me watch ratatouille 8 times a day for a solid month in middle school

morgause: opposite of depression nap. depression awakeness. refreshing the same three websites over and over. there’s nothing new on any of them. eight seconds have passed and it feels like a century

morgana: very homophobic that my head is not laying on the chest of my maidservant as i am drifting off to sleep

merlin: no no, it’s fine, i’ll text myself back

morgana: *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns*

arthur: i’d have to be a fool not to? being a fool and not doing things are my top two activities

gwaine: you think it’s easy to be me? you think it’s easy to get up every. single. day. and be an industrial grade dumbass? well it’s not. but that’s what i do. and i’ll never stop.

morgana: ah shit i’m sorry man, my schedule for the week is all booked

sunday: yearn

monday: pine

tuesday: long

wednesday: ache

thursday: sigh

friday: lament

saturday: crave

morgana: talents include: being a public menace, denying God’s will, petting dogs, yearning, being dramatic, witchcraft, quoting classic literature when no one asked, napping, befriending a murder of crows, being gay, covering up my emotions by being “the funny friend” when in reality i’m really going through it, wistfully staring out the car window

merlin: *doesn’t even do the bare minimum* all in a day’s work

cenred: a “period” is not an excuse to have an attitude

morgause: i miss the times when men would go to war and die

morgana: the cheap halloween vampire fangs stay ON during sex

gwen: maybe i pspspspsp’ed you because i love you. did you think of that? huh?

morgana: mom said it’s my turn to hand out the ominous and vague warnings

arthur: that wasn’t mom

uther: she JUST SAID it was her turn

morgause: i’m a chill person but if my back doesn’t stop hurting i’m going to take out my spine and beat God with it

mithian: one of these days i’m going to say the f word

mithian: then you’ll all be sorry

morgause: 3 words every girl wants to hear

morgause: club penguin membership

morgana: hmm, yes.

morgana: time to s i p

morgana: some *~crispy~*

morgana: d i h y d r o g e n m o n o x i d e

morgause: roll call! raise your hand if you’re in the following fandoms:

morgause: 1. suffering 2. the pain of living

morgana: *raises both hands and a leg*

leon: it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

merlin: yeah bro hit me up and we’ll cancel some plans sometime

morgana: my brain, or as i like to call it, the suffer contraption

morgause: my circle so small i almost cut myself off

morgause hyping herself up before entering any public area: i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal

arthur: today in french we learned how to say “what’s in the bag” and i couldn’t stop laughing because

arthur: swaggity swag qu’est-ce qui dans le sac

merlin: even when i am not speaking, know that horrible sentences are raging within me

mithian in 5x04: sorry bro i can’t go out tonight. i’m stuck in an eternal state of melancholy

morgause: shower gel label: immerse yourself in this new “Me Time” luxury frooty tooty. abandon all sense of identity and dissolve your memories into this soothing chemical broth. one billion melons are in this tube...use them wisely

leon, writing a headline about the most recent knights’ mission: local dumbasses knew that what they were getting themselves into and did it anyways

morgana: *feels random pain in body*

morgana: kill me

mithian: *slowly inches closer to your pet*

morgause: *refuses to look at texts* i love conversation and communication

arthur: cute gender neutral things to call your partner

arthur: significant annoyance

leon: the most unrealistic fantasy trope is the one where half of the pair works in some sort of shop and one is a customer because i have literally never thought about a customer with anything other than contempt

gwaine: why is everyone talking about 1d all of a sudden did one of them die

elyan: they’re 10 years old now

gwaine: i wish them luck 4th grade is tough!!

gwaine: must i pursue a career? is it not enough to be passionate about tv shows and snack foods?

leon, aroace: cool date idea: me eating oatmeal by myself

morgana: i have no self of steam

gwaine: i hate wearing a mask. i miss being able to gently kiss my trader joe’s cashier on the lips after they ring up my $8 box of blueberries

morgana: committing acts of violence today…*pushes morgause’s glass of water off the counter*

gwaine: mario will do anything to put a smile on your face

morgana: haha we get along so well...our brains just work the same way

morgause, after changing her entire personality to match morgana’s after analyzing the way she talks and texts: haha yeah it’s incredible

gwaine: covered in sauce, trembling

arthur: *says the vaguest most incoherent shit ever*

arthur: you know what i mean :/

[online]

morgana: *screenshots things her girlfriend said to her so she can read it again later* yeah i’m not gay

uther: dude no offence i don’t want to sound like an sjw or anything but if you have a girlfriend you’re straight. that’s just how it works

morgana: i’m a girl

uther: what the fuck

morgana: the second you say “family group chat” i know we are not the same

gwen: what if early in the morning after buying groceries we got caught in the rain and i used my jacket to cover your head ut we still got soaked and we made a fire at home and brewed tea and sat together watching the rain as our cats hid under our feets at each sound of thunder and we ate stew for dinner and watched tv until we fell asleep on the couch with your head resting on my shoulder

gwaine, to percival: hold my hand bro we’re crossing the street

percival: imageine if we all just started ignoring celebrities though

percival: i can’t stop thinking about how funny this would be. imagine kyie jenner posting a selfie and it gets 12 likes

morgana: this isn’t fun anymore i need a kiss

morgause at 1159 pm: life’s great lol

morgause at 1201 am: does anyone really know me? most importantly do i really know me? what if life doesn’t get better than this?

merlin: king i needbfjdjgnjfg qldkr snmsmdjgjt ….. .. i need--fjrjkrhgphpqn dd

arthur: huh *dunks merlin’s head back underwater*

morgana: i don’t go to therapy or take any pills i just rawdog life and let my brain turn into soup

mordred: dark emails

morgause: to whom it WILL concern

morgana: now that this email has found you

gwaine: hi waiter could i get the spaghetti i promise i’ll behave this time

merlin: the sexiest thing about me? everything hurts my feelings

gwaine: how is sex fun if i have to remove my crocs to have it

elyan: if he makes you remove your crocs for sex he isn’t the one

morgause: a motherfucker could use an embrace

morgana: every night after 10pm my feelings start crawling out, starved, as i beat them with a moderately large stick vigorously hissing “stay back” until i inevitably fall asleep

fanfiction: there’s only one room available…

morgause, who specifically chose a rated m and explicit story: oh my gosh there’s only one room they’re gonna share a bed what’s gonna happen next

morgana: i can have a little unrealistic romantic fantasy. as a treat

arthur: some of y’all weren’t asked out as a joke in middle school and it shows

morgana: how is everyone doing. i’ll go first i’m doing badly

morgana: being a kid was so fucking funny we’d just go around lying to each other’s faces constantly to impress each other one of the knights told me he was the first person to visit the sun and when i asked him what it was like to prove he was lying he said he didn’t remember because they sent him there when he was a baby and to this day the mental image of nasa launching an unsupervised baby into the sun still makes me crack up

elyan: do you wish you were seeing somebody

leon: a therapist

morgause: when you see someone from high school and they don’t recognize you that’s the exact opposite of the mortifying ordeal of being known. the gratifying relief of being forgotten

[texting]

morgana: you seem hard to kill

morgause: aw thank you

morgause: i haven’t been killed yet

morgana: to your knowledge

morgause: what

morgana: just truly bonkers how much i love lying down……..like being horizontal? Unparalleled

arthur: when i was younger i really thought that piranhas were going to be a bigger issue for me than they’ve turned out to be

morgause: filling out the depression and anxiety checkboxes at the doctors is always so sad but also very very funny

morgause: i am handed a piece of paper. i check off a box that says “every day i wish i were dead”. i hand back the paper. the paper and its contents are never again discussed.

morgana: unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, i cannot just “walk up and join the circle of people talking”, but it does sound lovely thank you

morgana: if california is so expensive why don’t you move to somewhere like ohio

morgause: full offense but i’d rather be dead in california than alive in ohio

morgause: ugly and uninspiring--review of ohio

morgana: staying up late not even fun anymore it’s just sad

morgause: everyone should be comfortable in their own skin :)

morgause’s brain: except for you

morgause: except for me :)

mithian: please peer pressure me into finishing projects

merlin: do it or you’re straight

mithian: i said peer pressure not threaten

morgause: the year is 2030. bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. the uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. i go to hug my wife for comfort. she is cake.

morgause: i sob in despair as i eat my cake wife. she is delicious

gwen: do ladies love stupid men or do they just love men who don’t exhaust every opportunity to feel smart

gwen: “i used to think that melancholy was a vegetable” that’s incredible, let’s hang out more

morgause: basically i accidentally listened to a song a few years ago and it led to this

morgana: *desperately tries to romanticise her homework*

uther: do i have to be pretty? is it not enough to simply be the loudest person in the room with the worst opinions

morgana: oh i can’t possibly study, i have allotted the next six hours to yearning vaguely

morgause: allow me to de-introduce myself

morgause: my name is [redacted]

arthur: i have no good posts today i’m sorry guys

merlin: haha “today”

mordred: “do we perhaps use magic because we were bullied and needed blah blah special interest blah blah” shut the FUCK up i use magic to see my anime husband’s big fucking honkers. sorry you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: i came here to bully people

mordred: is it because you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: no it’s because i’m deranged

mithian: pretty sure seven deadly sins is a bit excessive

mithian: just combine wrath and gluttony and make hangry

mithian: sloth and pride make Bottoming

morgana: despicable me ruined the word minion whenever i become a supervillain i’m just going to have to call them my homies or whatever

gwen: as a bisexual i am attracted to lanky boys with dark hair, girls who look like they could kill me, and anyone wearing vampire teeth

morgana: if someone tried to assassinate me that would make me feel so important and valued and beloved

gwaine: turn down for whom?

mithian: fact: usage of the word “the” has begun to decline. this is because as more and more people become educated, usage of the word “thoum’st” has become more common.

morgana, kidnapping mithian in 5x04: truth or dare? uhhh i dare you to………………………………..fall in love with me. haha i’m just joking bro………………..unless…………………………?

gwaine: my thoughts are like a clearance sale

gwaine: once it’s gone it’s gone

morgana: *pronounces “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse divorce” specifically to piss off morgause*

gwaine: do you prefer women or men?

leon: death

morgause: honestly no offense but i love falling asleep and sleeping. it’s like. ok goodnight

morgause: ngl it’s kinda difficult to be the moody and mysterious background character in everyone’s life when you’re quarantined at home

morgause: i need to get laid

morgause: --to rest. put me in a coffin, let my soul ascend

gwaine: it takes a lot of heart to be this stupid

gwaine: it takes real strength not to know shit about fuck

elyan: what’s your favorite anime?

leon: i’m a christian

arthur: just bought this tapeworm from etsy!

lancelot: where are you gonna keep it

arthur: :)

merlin: i don’t like this conversion very much

gwaine: i’m home alone with the tv repair man

gwaine: i’m no fool, there are only two possible outcomes of this scenario

gwaine: porn or murder

gwaine, an hour later: apparently there was an unforeseen third outcome where he fixes the tv and then leaves

morgause: well tomorrow fucking sucked

morgana: dark brunch

morgana: *mixes a mimosa with evil intent*

morgause: this is just what being gay is like

gwaine: movie idea: guy finds a stone tablet engraved with a mysterious alien language and gets caught up in a national treasure-esque adventure to decipher its meaning, only to learn that it’s just an alien “live laugh love” decoration

arthur: sorry i didn’t mean to open your ig story 20 seconds after you posted i’m just unemployed

arthur: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgana: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

cenred: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgause: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

morgana: wow would you look at that. it’s already that time of the night where i move the stuff on my bed to my chair. can’t wait until tomorrow when i move the stuff from my chair back onto my bed

gwaine: hi i’m bethany with girl defined ministry and today we are going to be talking about how to stan my chemical romance in a God-honoring way

morgana: bottom: ,,, !!! ;;; vers: …. top: no punctuation whatsoever

morgause: tops are illiterate

morgause: i slept for almost 12 hours but i might still be tired so let’s go for 12 more just in case

morgana: morgause that’s a coma

morgause: sounds festive

mithian: i am a simple woman. i enter the kitchen. i eat four servings of bread products. i leave.

gwaine: it’s one serving if you serve all of it to yourself

mithian: i like the way you think, friend

gwaine: spencer from icarly and rodrick from diary of a wimpy kid are on the opposite ends of the same spectrum

elyan: the gay older brother scale

merlin: i found a rock :)

merlin: my troubles will soon be over

gwaine: parasite (2019) dir. bong joon ho

percival: uncut gems (2019) dir. josh and benny safdie

elyan: cain

morgana: social distancing is okay for me bc i’ve been touch starved since the 15th century. i’m used to it

mithian: fanfiction hits different when you’re gay and yearning and haven’t experienced an ounce of romance in your life

morgause: callout for rude baby seen at grocery store

morgause: i’m calling out a baby (approximately 12-14 months old) from the grocery store due to its rudeness. i’m guessing its age based on appearance, motor skills (atrocious) and whatnot. anyway, i smiled at this baby and it just stared at me. as soon as i began to move on, though, the baby said “no!” and started giggling when i turned back around. this happened multiple times. the baby’s actions were toxic and manipulative. the baby was also manhandling a package of dried fruit which wasn’t yet paid for (quite minor) and was just generally sitting around and not helping

gwen: we need to melt down all the pennies and make the statue of liberty a girlfriend

morgause: had a realization in a dream i just had that this isn’t real and i can just do whatever i want and so i started shrinking the face of this guy that was talking to me and then once it got real small i woke up sleep paralyzed

morgause: i was given godlike powers over the universe by realizing it’s all in my head and the first thing i did was use them to torment the nearest man

morgause: and the actual God woke me up and put be into a 5 minute timeout to lay frozen and think about what i’ve done

morgana: does anyone else feel an awkward tension whenever you see another person your age in the grocery store

gwaine: the number 87 kinda looks like a plague doctor

percival: you’ve just changed the fucking game

elyan: [|87

morgana: a lonely bitch...a loner...i love isolation AND detachment

gwaine: i will not call the judges “your honor”. in america we don’t have titles of nobility. they will get a simple “yes dude” from me

gwaine: calling big bird just “bird” because i do not respect him

morgause: *photo of a pizza in a bad* caught the bae sleepin

mordred: now why would you waste a perfectly good pizza :(

morgause: that “waste” happens to be my wife getting her beauty sleep. think before you speak

gwaine: *finishes wedding vows* don’t forget to like and subscribe

morgana: *is bitter but is also right*

morgana: how dare you not notice me when i’m ignoring you

morgause, killing cenred: men be like i’m bilingual i speak english and over women

gwaine: after i move i really wanna get a used roomba

percival: i love that you’re adopting instead of buying from a breeder

mordred: joking about a kink is a gateway drug into developing said kink

morgana: my kink is mental, emotional, and financial stability

morgause: unrealistic, settle for choking like normal people

gaius: gay people use halloween props as home decor year round

morgana: shut up shut up this black jar with a raven painted on it is holiday-neutral

[texting]

morgause: can you come out?

morgana: yeah gimme a minute

morgana: morgause, i’m gay

morgause: i know that. come out to the car

morgana: car, i’m gay

morgause: God FUCKING damnit i’m such a hopeless romantic one day someone’s gonna say “i love you” and i’m just going to let out an agonized scream so horrible that they immediately change their mind

gaius: i’m not wearing glasses anymore i’ve seen enough

morgause: sorry my battery’s on 96% i gtg

morgause: you hate me? wow you think you’re hot shit and original huh well i hated me first so you can go grab a number and wait your turn

morgana: don’t ignore me ?? i despise being ignored ?? i mean i’m ignoring like 8 people right now but still ???

morgana: shoutout to my favorite coping mechanism, isolation

morgana: the concept of physical beauty is a scam unless you’re calling me cute in which case it is valid, actually

merlin: oh, so when other people go outside it’s “good for their health” and “highly recommended”, it’s only when i do it that it’s a “containment breach” and a “high-level threat to public safety and security”, huh?

gwaine: a charming photo of young john mulaney, seemingly celebrating the kennedy assassination

merlin: princess diana wasn’t john mulaney’s first kill

morgause: hate when i got out in public and the public is there

morgana: it seems the public is no longer in the public

morgause: i’ve won...but at what cost?

morgana: girls will see a chance to commit arson and be like “sorry, i have to take this”

morgause: girls will see a building that’s not on fire and say “is anyone gonna burn that” and not wait for an answer

#puff does things #long post

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incarnateirony · 5 years

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You know, I’m not Christian. Not remotely. Most people that follow me know that. But they also know my theology bears some intrinsic respect to Jewish and Christian concepts, or at least biblical Christian concepts as opposed to modern religious execution of them.

While I may joke that christians today would probably try to crucify any jewish carpenter dude trying to make them pay taxes and help the poor just like the pharisees, haha, bernie sanders, or whatever, I gotta say

The lack of education within the church about the original form of their manuscript pre-translation has stirred exactly the kind of ignorance the original manuscript actually worries about.

Evangelical America, in their current form, has pointed at anyone they didn’t like and called them the antichrist because of vagueries like their popularity. Meanwhile, not only is there a dude making enormous shows of fire out of taxpayer funds to display his own glory and make people marvel, his followers are walking around with a big red charagma on their head while being qanon nutbags thinking the Mark of the Beast is gonna be some microchip or your credit card or whatever and not you know, the fucking charagma it was in the original text.

Meanwhile Iran, Russia and China are all coming together on the most literal phrase of the world stage, after we’ve ostracized all our allies if not thrown them under busses ourselves, and just given them perfect global theater excuse to do whatever the fuck they want.

But sure. The audacity of a black dude to be well spoken as a president made him the antichrist. While some are out here going so far as to call Trump the second coming. And, wait for it, Trump even called himself that in slightly different words.

I can’t say I really *believe* in the idea of a singular antichrist, as it were. But in regards to the self blind irony driven by ignorance, America’s current shitshow is definitely taking the cake.

If one were to theoretically take Revelations as a prophetic warning as-best-translated-and-understood-by-some-ancient-dude, just handwaving away streets of gold or whatever but just looking at the actual earthen events in its *original textual format*, it’s one giant warning of “hey guys, keep your religious bullshit in check before you end up abandoning everything I actually taught you and following some lunatic with a shiny engraved badge of loyalty you put on your head and blowing us all to smithereens just cuz he made some really good visual entertainment on the moving picture box”, but I guess that’s none of my fucking business until it kills me.

And I ain't even had time to touch on how it literally tracks that the US is represented by the Eagle, Iran by the persian lion, russia and china both by the bear -- though Russia also has the eagle symbolism with its presidential seal since Trump/MAGA has the mark/voicebox of the antichrist-prophet part down all on its own; Not sure about the leopard, germany or tajikistan? Oh wait there’s that whole Tajikistan-Ukraine thing and the whole Russia-US-Iran-thing about their local power sources since it’s wedged in the middle of the body of most of this fighting. Because otherwise three of the four parts of the beast (or all 4?) are all bouncing around right now and I gotta say I need to get my hands on whatever fuckin peyote John the Elder had a dealer for because shit. I need the winning lotto numbers to build a rocket off this planet at this rate.

Should I bother making a smartass comment about the tariffs fucking up the global economy and the right to buy and sell under the MAGA of the beast or should I just leave that sitting here.

but sure freedom beast eagle cacaw or whatever. hopefully since Trump seems to think you can buy countries he doesn’t just pass over the metaphorical deed to america to Putin to pay off those Dutch bank loans from Russia at this rate. Then again he has in every other way so why not just make it painless.

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celticfeather · 5 years

Text

Akatsuki Fic: Campfires. Ch 2. Cannibals

A brooding clan-killer and a man who prefers to see himself more shark than human are not the most likely, or friendly, of new partners. But hunted and hated, their backs on are the wall, and the Akatsuki starts to form a complex refuge for its members. Their endeavors blur the lines between men, beasts, and gods, and Itachi must either accept his complicity in evil, or contemplate revolt.

Ch 1 here: Dawn. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13409132/1/Campfires

Chapter 2: Cannibals

-Uchiha Itachi-

Itachi crouched with his long fingers knitted before his nose, his eyes staring intensely out. He would not be killed by his own teammates. If he continued to try and save every peasant he saw, he would expose his true alignment. He would have to be judicious in his steps towards the light if he were to continue making them. He must appear a killer until, at last, he was allowed to die.

His eyes traced to Kisame. To be effective here, he would have to act less like a man, more like a beast, and he thought he had a fine teacher.

Word of a new mission had been shared from the head. According to Kakuzu, a terrorist organization had hired the Akatsuki to sabotage a maritime hostage exchange between the lands of Water and Lightning. Ideally, one of the ships would explode after the exchange. The commissioners intended for this to promote war between the Cloud and Mist. The Akatsuki team could expect at least twenty-five escorting enemy jounin. Kisame, Itachi, Kakuzu and Deidara had been enlisted for the task.

Kisame grumbled. "Returning to the Mist is not ideal for me."

Itachi mirrored the sentiment. He had not exactly enjoyed his last mission in the Land of Water. But first they had to meet Kakuzu and Deidara, who had received instructions to meet them at one of Kakuzu's meeting points in the coastal Land of Hot Springs. When the fire and water pair arrived, Deidara and Kakuzu awaited them.

"Decent group," Kakuzu surmised. "Serious, for the most part." His surveying eyes lingered on Deidara for a moment too long.

Appearing unaware of the slight, Deidara crossed his arms. "I don't know why he didn't keep us with our usual partners. My man Sasori is as impatient and deadly as you are, Kakuzu, hm."

"Our selection is obvious. I know hostage exchanges. You'll blow up the ship. Kisame is the ocean expert, and Itachi's eyes can cover us from afar. It's easy if you pay attention," Kakuzu said.

Deidara shrugged his haughty ambivalence to the elder's analysis. Kisame led them to the coastline of the Land of Steam that marked its border with the Land of Water. Itachi suspected Hidan had not been invited on a mission that required passage through his home state for two reasons: he was inept at stealth; and he was still recovering from their last encounter. The four entered a coastal marsh of mangrove trees, which at the current low tide, exposed a long stretch of mud and sand before the eastern ocean. The gray noon sky began to darken, fizzing rain drops spotting the fine sand.

Kisame tightened the strap on his sword to prevent its shifting. "We'll have to run several kilometers over open ocean until we find any ships. I expect that's no problem for anyone?"

"That could be taxing if we must later fight," Itachi said, staring over the gray frothing sea.

Deidara smiled at the opportunity to upstage Itachi. He was clearly not one to forget old wounds. "Can't handle it, old man?"

Itachi said nothing.

"We won't waste chakra wandering the ocean," Kakuzu said. "Deidara, you'll fly ahead of us. Find the ships, and we'll follow."

Deidara's only response to the order was a tight grunt. He sank his hand into the pouch at his hip, and the mouth on his palm proceeded to masticate the pure white clay. After a moment Deidara displayed his hand to the three other ninja, and the lolling tongue delivered a fine porcelain bird with long narrow wings like a gull. With a sign from Deidara's free hand, the clay figure expanded to the size of a shed. The sculptor mounted its sloped back and adjusted his eye scope.

"I'll circle in a figure eight when I find the boats. Someone shoot off a lightning flare if you lose me, yeah?"

With a powerful sweep of its wings, Deidara and his creation were stiffly alight in the buffeting ocean wind, and like a kite in a storm, the bird rose jerkily but rapidly. The three remaining ninja set out into the sucking, salty, sandy, surf. Itachi focused his chakra onto the soles of his feet and timed his steps to rise above each peak of the coming waves. Arms streamlined behind them, their feet glancing off the obtuse crest of each wave, the fire, water, and earth-style ninja streaked off towards the eastern horizon after Deidara's bird. The sky was a tumultuous gray and the ocean frothed a dark blue. Cold rain spat into their faces, the wind raged, and distant thunder boomed.

With his sharingan, Itachi had the best vision of the group, while the others squinted to find the white bird against the silver clouds. Because of this he assumed the lead of the surface formation as the storm worsened. Deidara's clay bird seemed to slow, as if in hesitation, and then began to loop two small figure eights. Itachi motioned for his teammates to continue east until they were directly underneath Deidara, and there the three ninja crouched low to the surface of the undulating waves. They could now see two ships in the distance, which meant that to ordinary eyes, the three ninja were also visible. Irksome as it was to balance on the tipping crests, the whipping storm provided much needed visual cover on the open ocean.

Deidara's bird pitched downwards, beak first, then pulled up to skid its belly across the waves near the three ninja. Deidara had been busy on his flight- stepping onto the water, the artist grandly presented a smooth white clay koi fish the size of a basket.

"She works underwater. Once we attach it to the Cloud ship's hull, I'll activate her from here, and, bang!" Deidara popped his fingers and his face lit with excitement. With a histrionic bow, he gave the ornately carved explosive fish to Kisame. "For you, my man."

Kisame smirked and raised the bomb in farewell. He released the chakra at his feet and plummeted like a lead weight under the waves. Itachi could see his shadow streak off toward the ships, about 100 meters away. The Kisame-shaped shadow swam without using its arms, faster than he thought possible for any human, though Kisame and human seemed separate concepts.

The three remaining ninja sank their bodies into the cold waves, until just their eyes and noses showed above the water. Itachi noticed a crest of hair like a shark fin arc above the surface on the way back from the ship. It was Kisame's signal that he had completed the task and attached the explosive.

Kakuzu identified a woman as the hostage entering the skiff with her captors. The peaceable exchange occurred, and she climbed back aboard her country's ship. Kakuzu looked at Deidara and nodded. The exchange was complete and the deed could occur at any time.

"Katsu!" Deidara commanded, two fingers raised, but no one heard him, because 100 meters away the Cloud ship's front half exploded.

Wood splintered into the air and a shock wave concussed the water's surface, sending up a spray of mist. Shinobi leapt out, perching like waterbugs on the ripples. But civilians onboard had no such talents. The shinobi swarmed like bees, trying to orchestrate a platform in the debris for the floundering civilians, and simultaneously search for foul play.

The Mist ninja on their unharmed boat did not flee. Nor did the Cloud attack them. Seeming rather confused, the Mist ninja alighted on the waves, and began to help the foreign Lightning civilians onto their surviving boat.

The three rogues, each a child of war, shared a perplexed look. Then back at the boat and debris. As far as Itachi knew, the Mist and Cloud helping each other was not accounted for in the financier's plan.

A hulking presence appeared among the surface-striding ninja. Itachi did not need to verbally identify the man for Kakuzu and Deidara, because with a furious roar he cracked a huge lightning bolt across the atmosphere. It was Ay, the fourth Raikage.

"That was not in the missive. We run- as fast as we can." Kakuzu said.

Itachi was unsure speed would be enough. The Raikage was possibly the fastest ninja alive. One of them might die that day.

Deidara extended his hand out of the water and expanded his previously shrunken bird. Kakuzu yelled at him not to do it, that he would be seen, but the young ninja was more interested in saving his own skin. Deidara leapt alone onto the bird and flew off, leaving Itachi and Kakuzu in the waves. Kisame was still nowhere to be seen and Itachi felt the situation rapidly spiraling out of control. Kakuzu swore with the skill of a man with ninety years of curation.

The low bird was immediately spotted by a Cloud kunoichi, who signaled it to her comrades. Deidara had escaped, but the sharp eyes of the Raikage met the clay gull and fell circumspectly to the easier prey beneath. Itachi tensed, ready to dive, but their eyes met and he knew they had been seen.

"Rendezvous at our beach at dusk," Kakuzu told Itachi. "We've gotta lose him."

Kakuzu rose fully from the water, released one of the masked beings from his chest, and skated along the surface towards the distant shore some five kilometers away. Twenty ninja, both Cloud and Mist, started after Kakuzu. The water-style masked beast ran alongside Kakuzu, then halted, pulsing a huge mass of water at the incoming team of jounin. Itachi made a sharp turn away from Kakuzu, and sprinted towards the coastline.

Itachi was aware he had gained his own pursuers. Once separated from Kakuzu, he skidded on the ball of his right foot and pivoted to face his opponents. A phalanx of some fifteen ninja ran towards him. He doubted they recognized him, but all the same he was greeted with the hospitality a clan killer deserved.

He parsed signs, inhaled deep, and blew a massive blooming fireball across the waves. Some were touched by the blaze, but others quickly put up a defensive water wall, minimizing their casualties. Good: Itachi did not want to kill anyone. A huge man stepped from behind the falling water-wall. His copper skin was beaded with droplets, his bleached hair was coiled back, and from his small eyes Itachi sensed an unbridled fury.

Itachi supposed the Raikage must have pursued either he or Kakuzu. Unfortunately for the Kage, he had picked the rogue whose eyes could strike a man still at a distance of twenty meters. With the incensed Raikage in his sights, Itachi felt his pupils spin and contract.

Tsukuyomi washed over his foe. Though it was a mere second to the outside world, the Raikage was inside the nightmare realm for seventy internal hours. But Itachi's intent was to incapacitate the Kage from further combat than torment him. He had no time or energy to waste on torturous mind games like with Hidan, and he neither want to enrage powerful enemies. Itachi's illusion abandoned the Raikage in a world where he was tied to a post, submerged at sea, with his nose just a millimeter above the soon as the Raikage collapsed among his men, Itachi fled.

The storm clouds hung low, the waves ripped high, the wind and rain whipped, and even Itachi's eyes could discern no shore. He was running, aware of a splitting pack of the Kage's incensed men behind him, and with each step Itachi took, he was less able to bounce crisply on the meniscus of the water. His toes punctured the water an inch down. Then two inches. Then his ankles, his calves, began to touch the waves. He was nowhere near escape, and he was out of time. He would have to use that. Spinning, he turned to face his pursuers, now surprisingly close.

Amaterasu! The black flames of his newest mangekyou technique enveloped the first row. The waves drowned their screams quickly; the inflicted dropping the chakra at their feet a heartbeat after being hit. Even in the frothing sea nothing could be done to help them, and Itachi watched them die painful deaths. If only he had more chakra, he may have been able to escape without killing his pursuers. Guilt probed at his chest, but he could not afford to reflect, because the wrathful technique had not spread to the second row. Five last ninja, panic and rage in their eyes, had closed in on him. Through his haze of exhaustion they seemed to come at him in slow motion, circling him like hunters around a wounded beast, raising glinting steel from their packs.

Itachi's chest heaved. He fell to his knees. Wet heat dripped from his eye sockets into the black water between his knees. He might be able to kill more, but he certainly could not run. He could not even stand. Panic welled in his chest as he felt the waves encompassing his shins. The running, the sharingan, fireball, Tsukiyomi, Amaterasu, it had been too much. In trying to spare the lives of some enemies, he may have just ended his own. His calves slipped into the water, then his waist. Knowing what came next, Itachi gasped a deep breath.

It was numbly quiet, refreshingly still, while his body remained unpleasantly cold. He looked up, and the disorganized splashing footprints on the surface seemed silent and insignificant. Slow and inexorable his leaden robes dragged him to the earth's core. His heart hammered away his remaining oxygen. He had to get out of here. But his sharingan had faded and the watery world became icy and dark. He fought against the increasing numbness in his mind, his thoughts racing futile like ants trapped in a sap of hypoxia. He imagined two black eyes in front of him. Sasuke? He reached two fingers into the abyss.

-Hoshigaki Kisame-

Figures fell from the surface like twisting stones from the heavens. Most of them were not dead when they fell.

The nerves on his snout sensed a blizzard of electricity firing around him. Each movement by a living thing, each command from a brain to its muscles, enacted a tiny electric signal which Kisame could sense in this form. It was impossible to hide from him. Chaos had erupted and the mission was not proceeding to plan. But king in his domain, Kisame was calm.

A familiar sensation prickled along his shark snout. Changing directions with a wide sweep of his tail, Kisame arced towards a particular fallen ninja. He felt his lips twitch.

Careful, Itachi. You are easy prey in the water.

The young raven had not fared well over the ocean. Itachi drifted some three meters below the surface, where the water was calm, and the gray light from the stormy sun was dull. The unconscious ninja floated mostly upright, with his chin tipped up. His long hair and robe were splayed behind him, with his arms spread like a martyr.

Catching the boy in the crook of his elbow, Kisame fired his tail. The long braid of muscle was magnificently more powerful than his legs when swimming. He dodged corpses, who, even underwater, fed black flames which warned a horrific static on his electroreceptors. The hellish chakra's flavor denoted familiarity, and Kisame's eyes slid to his passenger. Awarding the burning bodies a careful berth, Kisame steered away from the battlefield.

In a calm spot, Kisame lifted Itachi's head to the surface. The leaf ninja, though still unconscious, began to breathe again once his face was above water. Such a beautiful adaptation the Mammalian Diving Reflex was: unconscious humans breathe automatically when dry, but exhibit slowed heart rates and ceased breathing when their faces were wet.

Kisame observed the distant commotion. Ninja swarmed around the destroyed ship and fished civilians from the water. He was faintly aware of Kakuzu running off towards shore, felling pursuant ninja left and right, some twenty dead or dying in the water behind him. Deidara was dead or gone. He waited a moment at the surface, expecting Itachi to cough himself awake, but he did not. He took Itachi back under the water to swim covertly in the direction of land, surfacing for the benefit of his human cargo about twice every minute. Kisame had learned from drowning people in water prisons that seventy seconds was the threshold where a normal human would start to squirm. It amused him that today he used the knowledge to prevent someone from drowning.

His lessened visibility in the sandy water and the electric flickers of minnows and crabs indicated that he had neared shore, and rising to his human legs, Kisame stood erect and slogged into the surf. Itachi was draped at the waist over his shoulder and framed by his long dorsal fin. Kisame in this beastly form easily weighed seven hundred kilograms, with Itachi adding another sixty. His webbed feet sank heavily in the fine muddy sand that crowded at the roots of the mangrove shore.

Curling his claws into the back of Itachi's robe, Kisame swung the boy against the cagelike roots of a mangrove tree. Itachi looked like a waterlogged bird: small, delicate, with a weak bendy neck and thin limbs which were stupidly ill-fitted to the open ocean. His long dark brown hair had escaped its tie and hung limply around his face. It was much less dignified than the Uchiha prince's usual mien.

We don't have to tell the others about this, eh?

Kisame sat cross-legged to observe the boy and slung his fat tail out on the sand behind him. He had tasted little blood and saw no wounds. Was Itachi unconscious from the oxygen deprivation, or from the expenditure of chakra? If the former, he should be awake already. If the latter, it could be hours.

Lazily, Itachi's coal black eyes opened. Kisame stared into his eyes, expecting -wanting- their stoic depths to spark in fear at the sight of him. But Itachi flipped himself forward onto his hands, coughed roughly, and proceeded to retch salt water.

Well, it looks like humans mostly did not try to breathe underwater while unconscious.

On hands and knees, his back a concave arch, Itachi looked over his shoulder to stare at his hulking partner. "You're…. Different."

Kisame cracked a razor's smile. He could not speak in this form.

"Thank you, Kisame," Itachi said. "I am very lucky you found me."

Finding someone in the water was never the problem. The trouble was knowing to look for them at all. Fortunately, Itachi had a very identifiable presence, especially when he had incinerated half a dozen chakras in fire hellish enough to burn underwater.

"Would you have any fresh water?" Itachi asked.

Kisame's gear and pack were lost, he had not expected this mission to require transforming, but he had when he sensed the fighting. Kisame took a large leaf from a jungle tree, and with a simple jutsu he filled it with water and gave it to the seated Itachi. Itachi tipped the long leaf to his lips with both hands. He drank heartily, his adam's apple bobbing, and water dripped from his lips and trickled down his pale neck. Finished, he coughed lightly and pressed his lips dry with the back of his wrist. Kisame found the princely habit funny, because Itachi was still dripping everywhere else.

Thudd. A huge clay gull alighted on the muddy sand and Deidara strided down its sloping tail. He looked at the transformed Kisame, then at the washed-out Itachi, and back at Kisame. "What the fuck happened to you two?"

No one answered him. Itachi chose not to. Kisame had no choice.

Deidara shook his head. "Kakuzu's gonna roast me," Deidara muttered, contracting his bird back into a tiny clay piece.

"I will roast you," Itachi corrected him. The fire-style ninja stood with sudden aggression. He grabbed Deidara by the chest of his robe and pulled him to face his eyes like an academy bully.

Odd for Itachi. Kisame swung his long head to his partner for explanation.

"The Raikage was on that ship. Deidara fled on his bird, leaving Kakuzu and I to deal with the troops and escape," Itachi explained.

Hm. Kisame turned menacingly to the Stone Ninja. Certainly a few people could have fit on that bird.

"Hey sheesh, I'm sorry. I got spooked." Deidara displayed his slit palms to Itachi in a leave-me-alone gesture.

"Those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum," Itachi warned him.

"Comrades? You think we're comrades here?—" Deidara opened his mouth to laugh, but stopped abruptly. He froze under Itachi's now-red eyes, transfixed like a rabbit by a weasel.

"I'm sorry," Deidara whispered. Itachi released his robe and the other man retreated a step back.

A creaking and sloshing of sand arose from behind the mangroves. Deidara and Itachi tensed. But in this form Kisame could discern the old, earthy, angry chakra as familiar. A black corded monster, bearlike in shape with a folkish mask, loped from the roots alongside its master.

"Phew," Deidara sighed.

"Deidara," Kakuzu rumbled. "How old are you?"

"Uh, seventeen?"

Kakuzu absorbed the masked creature back into his body. But as he did, thin hairlike tentacles poured out from his stitched mouth like a lolling hungry tongue. He slurped them in before speaking again.

"Good. Young men's hearts are ideal."

Deidara looked at Itachi and Kisame for help. But Itachi, displeased, and Kisame, a giant semi-bipedal shark, offered the artist no reassurance. Fortunately, Kakuzu made no move to snatch the boy's heart just then.

Kisame decided this was a good time to transform back into Kisame the man. Or, Kisame the mostly-man. He extended his hand and Samehada's braided pommel appeared from his skin. The shark fins and tail receded, his spine shortened, and he stood erect and shirtless.

Kakuzu's eyes slid to him. "Neat trick. Where's your robe?"

"Lost it swimming," Kisame said, rolling his jaw as he talked to reaccustom himself to speaking. Really, his dorsal fin had shredded the robe the moment he transformed. Looking down, he was very pleased that his pants avoided the same fate.

"We need to head inland," Kakuzu said, and disappeared into the mangroves without waiting for responses.

Kisame's eyes slid to Itachi, wondering if the boy was yet capable of running. But sinking his chin into his collar, Itachi voiced no complaint, and he fell into step with the fleet.

-Uchiha Itachi-

Itachi was exhausted. He expected in a few minutes he may even collapse. Every once in a while Kisame might cast an appraising look at him, maybe his predator eyes smiled as if to say, 'you still alive?' Or maybe he imagined it. But after Kisame had dragged him out of the surf, Itachi refused to be the one to call for a stop. Night was falling, and soon enough, the others would not be able to see.

As he watched the backsides of Deidara and Kakuzu leap in front of him, he thought about the Akatsuki's flight from the ocean scene. If Deidara had not flown off like a coward, Itachi would not have had to kill those ninja today. Itachi had killed his clan, and multiple insurgents during his time in the Anbu, but each of those deaths had a greater purpose in protecting the Leaf. Today, he killed state ninja who acted in self defense. If he had been stronger, more enduring, he could have managed an escape with no unnecessary lethal measures. He looked at the old man running in front of him. In the same flight, Kakuzu had probably killed twenty people to his five.

Deidara broke the silence of their run. "Hey, uh, we wanna camp for the night?"

The four ninja halted. The elevation had increased enough that the mangroves were gone, replaced with a cold rainforest. In a quick survey of their surroundings, the men found a flat dry hollow between the dense trees large enough for four people.

"Should we build a fire?" Deidara suggested.

"It's not safe to," Itachi said.

"Sorry, I'm fucking freezing." Deidara revealed a piece of clay and blew a crater in the ground about a meter deep and around to hide a fire's light.

He gestured again at Itachi to light a fire. Itachi made no motion to comply. With a hmmpf, Deidara gathered a few branches, turf, threw them down his pit, and flicked an explosive spider the size of a marble into it. Clumsy flames coughed out of the pit. Then the blond teen busily set out finding and tossing in more poor quality wet fuel from their immediate surroundings.

Kakuzu sat next to Deidara's sunken campfire, mumbling something that they should keep it for an hour. Kisame, Deidara, and at last Itachi followed. Everyone was cold, soaked, and morale was low - perhaps the fire was not unwarranted. The four men shed what outerwear they had to dry, and crouched around the sunken fire in their underwear.

Itachi's companions looked smooth and sinister in the low, warm light. Kakuzu's skin was tan, thick, and fractured with stitching scars. Four masks peered out from his back, of which one was now punctured. Deidara's left pectoralis had a slit of what might have been an additional mouth. Kisame looked enough like a human except for the blueish skin and the gill patterns. Itachi looked down at himself. Besides a red Anbu tattoo on his shoulder, he was completely unremarkable.

They had some onigiri in Kakuzu's pack, which were by now, also thoroughly soaked. Itachi set an array of the eight rice balls on a banana leaf next to the fire.

"I'll find some meat," Kisame said, and the Mist Ninja stalked out into the blackness. But after twenty minutes in the dark, the man had only managed to locate one small fish. He presented it to Itachi, who as the group's expert with knives, cleaned it adroitly with a kunai. He slit the pink fillet into four delicate equal slices. He placed one piece next to each member's two allotted onigiri, which by the fire had become hot and crispy. Itachi set the offal on a leaf should Kisame want it. It was gone the next time he thought to look for it.

The men sat with a tangle of legs towards the fire. Kisame crouched, Kakuzu was cross-legged, and Deidara's legs were folded up beside him. They each ate with different manners too: Itachi was the most civil, and Kisame the least.

Deidara placed his ration of fish on his tongue and asked, "Do you ever feel bad eating fish, Kisame?"

"Do you feel bad eating pigs?"

"No."

Kisame showed his teeth. "People like you kind of look like pigs to me."

Deidara narrowed his eyes. He went back to poking the fire with a stick and sculpting a new creature, maybe a crocodile.

"Four mysterious ninja sit around a fire," Kisame announced in his rough voice. As with Orochimaru's, Itachi could not decide if it was threatening or friendly. "We should get to know each other better. We can make it a game."

"No, we should sleep now and reach the Frost Border as early as possible tomorrow," Kakuzu said.

Deidara ignored Kakuzu and looked back to the group's other talkative member. "Alright, Kisame, here's a question: when you turn into a giant shark, have you ever eaten a person before?"

"Define 'eat.'"

"Kisame..."

"I've bitten hunks from plenty. I haven't swallowed any parts though… I don't think."

"How do people taste?"

"Not particularly good. Our low fat and protein content isn't worth the energy to digest for cold blooded creatures. Therefore only starving, open-ocean sharks enjoy a meal of men."

Kisame tightened his lips to show his whitish gums, and held a finger to where his canine tooth should have been. "Sharks can measure these things with one bite. There are specialized nerves next to our teeth that help us discern if a meal is nutritionally valuable, you see."

Deidara, bewildered, did not ask any more questions. Kisame, having served his part in the game, traced his pinprick eyes to Kakuzu. "A little bird told me you killed two of your partners."

"They live on." Kakuzu gestured to the water and lightning masks on his chest. "Good hearts."

Itachi wondered what would happen if Kakuzu transplanted an immortal heart like Hidan's. Certainly the rogue had considered the possibility.

"Gods, you're all cannibals," Deidara muttered.

Cannibals? Itachi evaluated the word. Kisame tasted human flesh. Kakuzu took his partners' hearts. Deidara abandoned his comrades as bait. Itachi killed his family. They were no more than a band of leeches, gorging themselves on the blood of anyone unfortunate enough to cross their paths. Cannibals indeed.

Deidara stared at Itachi. "I got one: Itachi, how old were you when you killed your clan and joined the Akatsuki?"

"Fourteen."

"Were you a virgin when you did it?"

Itachi chewed his rice ball slowly. He did not answer.

Kakuzu interrupted. "How's it feel to suck yourself off with your own hands, Deidara?"

"Fucking divine!" The teen grinned and stretched out his arms to display the slurping tongues on his palms. Kisame guffawed and Kakuzu smirked. Itachi looked down, unable to hide a small smile.

Deidara yawned, and the mouths on his palms yawned too. He shrugged into his firewarmed robe and lounged cattishly on the earth, pillowing his head with an arm, and sighed satisfactorly. "Well, g'night, my murderous gents. Good job surviving today."

Irritation flared up in Itachi at the sight of Deidara's comfort. Thanks to him, only two hours ago Itachi had stared down the Raikage. "You're not sleeping on the ground."

Deidara's blue eyes flashed. "Stone Ninja, sleeping in trees? Yeah, right!"

"We should set a watch. We may have been followed," Itachi said.

"I'll do it, I have the most chakra left," Kisame said.

Kakuzu nodded. "Wake someone in a few hours."

The fire's light was out, but the earth and coals still radiated heat. Itachi dressed himself in his hot robe. He rose from the firewarmed earth, pinned his gaze on an arch in the tree above him, and tensed to jump.

A heavy weight on his shoulder halted his step.

"Maybe it's best for us all that you get a good rest," Kisame said, with a hand on his shoulder. Itachi stilled. He owed Kisame some heed after his help today. Itachi's presence on the ground was no further risk if Deidara and Kakuzu already insisted on sleeping there, and Kisame would watch well. Hesitant to indulge himself so freely, Itachi slowly laid himself back on a warm spot of earth.

He, Deidara, and Kakuzu arranged themselves in a lopsided triangle around the warm pit. Hooked in a loose Z, Itachi placed an arm under his head, curled his fingers into his thin hair, and tried to welcome the numb embrace of sleep. Past him, Kisame perched in the tree, one leg bent, the other hanging. His eyes swept down at his teammates, then stared out into the darkness. Itachi heard him crunching on a bone.

Author's Note;

Thanks again to beta myochiikurin! Any typos you find are due to my own overzealous editing ;)

The % complete of the next chapter is always posted on my (FF or Ao3) account profile. Thanks for reading, and I hope you stick around! Maybe let me know what you liked in a review, if you did?

Steadfast,

Celtic

Follow on FF: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13409132/1/Campfires

Follow on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21019778/chapters/50400551#workskin

#wooo here we go #i had fun researching animal biology for this fic #and it made me like sharks by the end of it #anyway still have loads more prewritten #thanks for reading #akatsuki #itachi #kisame #kisaita #if you squint #campfires #naruto fic #fanfiction #celticfeather #chapter 2 #naruto

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eng-hypnosismic · 6 years

Text

[TL] Drama Track 「Know Your Enemy Side F.P VS M」

[Gate unlocks]

Gentaro: Pardon the intrusion...ugh. Ramuda, you’ve made even more of a mess. Can you really work in a place like this?

Dice: Uwa--! Colorful as usual...it hurts my eyes!

Ramuda: Hey! Coming into my office just to start complaining is a no-no! Nope, nope! ☆

Gentaro: I guess that makes sense. It would be unreasonable of me to come to your office just to complain about it.

Dice: Ahaha, you ain’t wrong!

Ramuda: All that aside, you two must be getting along well to show up here together!

Gentaro: I suppose.

Female Gentaro: In our past lives, Dice and I were a princess and a knight fated to be star-crossed lovers. Now that we’ve reunited in this life, isn’t it obvious that we don’t want to be apart from each other?

Ramuda: Is that so?! Dice was a knight! Suuuper cool! ❤️

[Dice hits Gentaro]

Gentaro: Ow!

Dice: Cut the crap. We just ran into each other on the way here.

Ramuda: Whaaaa…? So Gentaro wasn’t really a princess?

Gentaro: Ahaha...

Female Gentaro: It was a lie!

Dice: I’d never have a weirdo like him as my lover in a past life, anyway.

Gentaro: Indeed. I wouldn’t want that, either. ...well, that’s a lie, though.

Dice: If you’re lying about “not wanting that,” then…[jumps back] Uwah! Stay back!!!

Gentaro: Ahaha, that was also a lie, though.

Dice: I’m done. There ain’t no talking with this one without tiring myself out, running in circles.

Ramuda: Ahahaha! You guys are so funny! ☆ Hey, hey, what should we play today?

Gentaro: Ramuda, tell us the reason we came here today.

Ramuda: Eh? You guys came to my office to play, right?

Gentaro: He truly has the audacity to say that, huh...

Dice: “You guys came to my office to play, right?” As if! We’re here to go to Chuuoku.

Ramuda: Oh, right! Totes my bad, I’m sowwy~! ☆　

Dice: [scratches head] Aaahhh, this guy’s totally playin’ us for fools!!!

Ramuda: Ehh? That’s so mean! Why would I toy with my two favorite people of all time?

Gentaro: Dice, arguing with Ramuda is a waste of breath. So please calm down.

Dice: *grumbles*

Gentaro: *sighs* So, tomorrow’s territory battle pits us against Shinjuku Division’s Matenrou, doesn’t it? Their leader Jinguji Jakurai is an old acquaintance of yours, isn’t he, Ramuda?

Ramuda: Ahaha… I guess so.

Gentaro: What kind of person is he?

Ramuda: He’s a good person.

Gentaro: Anything else?

Ramuda: He’s a good person.

Gentaro: Anything else?

Ramuda: He’s a good person.

Gentaro: Ramuda, is it possible that... you hate Jinguji Jakurai?

Ramuda: Don’t say that, Gentaro! Hate’s a strong word, do you really think I could hate anyone?

Gentaro: Yes, of course. I’m aware that Ramuda is a person whose true nature is more difficult to unearth than my own. After close and careful observation, I just can’t help but think so.

Ramuda: Hahaha…Can’t help but think so, you say? What do you mean?

Gentaro: In your life, there are no flaws. Usually people have very “human” moments, but you’ve nothing of the sort. It just feels like a lie, all of it. Consider it a liar’s intuition. There is something up with “Ramuda”.

[something snaps inside Ramuda]

“Ramuda”: Gentaro…get your nose out of my business. I(1) don’t want to talk about it.

[Gentaro gasps]

“Ramuda”: Listen well. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. Don’t you ever make that mistake again. I won’t tell you twice.

Dice: H-Hey… What’s wrong, Ramuda?

Ramuda: Aha! Hey, hey, was I scary just now? Was I? An Onee-san I’m close to told me that she liked this type of character, so I practiced!

Dice: Aw, so that’s all it is! I freaked out for a sec, what with how suddenly your personality changed. Ramuda, ever thought of becoming an actor?

Ramuda: Yay! I got praised by Dice! I did it!

Gentaro: Well...that’s fine. To each their own story. As long as I can complete my mission, these things don’t matter. That said, this felt like the first time I’ve ever interacted with a “human” Ramuda.

[cuckoo clock rings]

Dice: Hm? Oh, it’s already this late? Hurry up, let’s go.

Ramuda: Oh, oh! It really is time. We gotta go! Let’s go, Gentaro.

Gentaro: Ah, yes. Let us go.

Ramuda: Now, onwards! To Chuuoku...let’s go!!!

—————

[knocks on door]

Hifumi: Hey, Doppo, I’m coming in. Uwa! Your room’s a dump again…!

[Hifumi starts cleaning up]

Hifumi: Even though I just cleaned it, it always ends up like this…

Doppo: Hmmmgg...

Hifumi: Come on! Hurry up and wake up, Doppo! We’ll be late meeting Sensei!

Doppo (sleeptalking): Ah, Manager, sorry, sorry. It’s…it’s my fault. It’s all my fault that our department's sales have been plummeting this month, and my fault that the department head had a meltdown, and my fault that you’re balding...I’m sorry...I’m sorry...sorry...

Hifumi: Yikes, he’s even apologizing in his dreams! Just how much of being a corporate slave is imprinted in him... Come on, it’s quitting time for the office in your dreams!

[Hifumi starts slapping Doppo awake]

Hifumi: Come on…come on…come home…!

Doppo: ...It hurts.

Hifumi: Ah, you’re up, Doppo.

Doppo: Hifumi, can you think about my feelings like a normal roommate when you wake me up?

Hifumi: It’s your fault for not waking up! You even kept apologizing in your sleep. You’re way too much of a corporate slave, you know?

Doppo: Eh…? L-leave me alone…ah, that’s right… I was even working within my dream…they better pay me overtime.

Hifumi: Get up, I made breakfast, so hurry up and eat so we can head over to the meeting place.

Doppo: Today’s breakfast is *sniff sniff* …Grilled salmon, huh?

—————

[Car races by]

Doppo: Sensei, I’m sorry for making you drive on top of providing a car.

Jakurai: Don’t worry about it, I don’t dislike driving.

Hifumi: For reals, sorry for always hitching a ride!

Doppo: Hm? Wait a second, “always?”

Hifumi: Yeah? What about it?

Doppo: Why are you “always” riding in Sensei’s car?!

Jakurai: Ah, when Hifumi and I go fishing, I always drive, Doppo-kun.

Hifumi: Yup, yup! Sensei and I are fishing buds!

Doppo: I-I never heard about it…

Jakurai: Huh, is that so? But I’ve always told Hifumi to invite you, too...

Hifumi: No way you “never heard about it!” I invite you every time, but you always say, “I’m going to sleep, talk to me tomorrow.” And then I couldn’t ever tell you ‘cause your body clock is in reverse!

Doppo: Hh...you might have said something like that on my days off...

Hifumi: See?

Doppo: This time it’s actually my fault for not listening to you but… I still feel kinda left out or something…

Hifumi: Haha! Why would I ever leave you out?!

Jakurai: That’s right. The next time our off days align, let’s all go fishing together.

Doppo: Hifumi, Sensei, thank you very much! Even if I have to use my hypnosis mic on the balding manager, I’ll get a day off!

Hifumi: Oh! It’s rare to see Doppo so fired up! [happy noises]

[Hifumi starts hugging Doppo]

Doppo: Stop it, Hifumi. Don’t cling to me…!

Jakurai: Even if it’s to get a day off, do not use your hypnosis mic, alright, Doppo-kun?

—————

Ramuda: Aha, such a cool and tall wall! Every time I see Chuuoku’s outer wall, I’m totally wowed!

Gentaro: Ramuda, please circle around me more. It sets my heart all aflutter to see you have fun.

Dice: Hey, Gentaro! Don’t say necessary things! He’ll just get more annoying!

Ramuda: Ehehe! Then I’ll start running off more! Woooossshhhh!

[Ramuda starts running around]

Ramuda: How’s that, how’s that!

Gentaro: Well, that was a lie though.

Ramuda: Huh?! That was a lie?!

Gentaro: Yes. Quite frankly, you’re being a nuisance, so stop running around.

Ramuda: Ehehe! I won’t be fooled anymore~! That’s a lie, too, right?

Gentaro: No. This is not a lie.

Ramuda: Sure it’s not~! ❤️

Gentaro: Ramuda, you may not know this, but Dice loves to have people run around him, even more than food. Therefore, go run around Dice.

Dice: Hey, dude, stop messing around!

Ramuda: Really?? Then I’ll run a whole lot around Dice! Wheeeeeee!

[Ramuda starts running around Dice]

Dice: AHHHHHHHH! SHUT UP! Chill the hell out!

[Ramuda runs around Dice]

Dice: AHHH!

Ramuda: Ahaha! Can’t catch me~!

Dice: Get your ass over here!

[Dice chases after Ramuda]

Gentaro: Ramuda’s acting as he usually does. No, it’s different. He hasn’t shown us his “true self” since then. Let’s test it.

Gentaro: Oh right, Dice.

[Dice stops running]

Dice: Huh? What do you want?

Gentaro: I left something in the car. Go fetch it for me.

Dice: Huh? Why I gotta do that? Do it yourself!

Gentaro: Is that so? I suppose that’s that, then. I was thinking we could all have a gambling session tonight, so I brought along a deck of cards, but I guess we can’t…

Dice: Yes, sir! I will go get them right now, so hand me the keys.

[Dice runs off to the car]

Gentaro: Now, Ramuda.

[Ramuda comes to a halt]

Ramuda: What is it, Gentaro?

Gentaro: There’s something I want to ask you.

Ramuda: Sure! Ask away! But are you gonna ask me about that boring thing from earlier? If so just know I hate that stuff~

Gentaro: Then it’s fine. I’ve no intention of waking the beast.

[Ramuda hugs Gentaro]

Ramuda: Eheh~! I loooove Gentaro~! ❤️

Gentaro: Yes, yes. The same goes for me.

[Dice returns]

Dice: Gentaro! There wasn’t a deck of cards!

Gentaro: Of course not, I was lying.

Dice: You bastard!

Ramuda: Oh! It’s Ichiro! Hey~! Ichiro~!

[Ramuda runs off to Ichiro]

Gentaro: Amemura Ramuda...quite the intriguing case, isn’t he?

—————

[Everyone gets out of the car]

Hifumi: Ah, we’re heeeeere! As always, Chuuoku’s wall is super tall.

Doppo: Yeah, I guess. This impenetrable wall and top-notch security were both provided for by taxes, collected from the money I’ve been killing myself just to earn...thinking about that makes me cry blood.

Jakurai: This wall is the manifestation of our world’s distortions.

Hifumi: Speaking of, Sensei, you know that one guy from Shibuya Division’s Fling Posse, don’t you? Amemura… Shiguma, yeah? You used to be teammates, right?

Doppo: Hifumi, it’s not “Shiguma” it’s “Ramuda.”

Hifumi: Right, right, Ramuda! The person with a weird name, So what kind of “type” is he?

Jakurai: Amemura-kun, huh? Let’s see…

[Doppo flicks Hifumi]

Hifumi: What was that for, Doppo?

Doppo: You idiot! Everyone knows that Sensei and Amemura Ramuda don’t get along. What are you going to do if you upset him…?!

Jakurai: Haha, thank you, Doppo-kun. But it’s alright, you needn’t trouble yourself over it.

Doppo: Sensei…!

Hifumi: See! Sensei says it’s fine!

Jakurai: Let’s see… Honestly, I don’t have a particularly positive opinion of him.

Hifumi: What did he do for someone like Sensei to hate him?

Jakurai: While it’s true that I find odd people interesting and likeable...humanity...well, perhaps one could say that he has lost his humanity. Something of that sort.

Doppo: So Amemura Ramuda is the reason your previous team disbanded?

Jakurai: That is a part of it, but it’s not the whole reason.

Hifumi: How ‘bout the whole “lost his humanity” part?

Jakurai: That’s… No, let’s leave it at that. Unfortunately, this is unfavourable towards him, so it is against my principle to talk about the details publicly. I’ll have to decline answering your question.

Hifumi: Eeehh? It’s fine, isn’t it? Tell us--

[Doppo slaps his hand over Hifumi’s mouth]

Doppo: Hifumi! He said that he doesn’t want to answer! Don’t try to force him!

Hifumi: *grimaces*

[Doppo lets go]

Hifumi: Okaaaay...

—————

Samatoki: Well, if it ain’t Sensei...what a coincidence, enterin’ the same time.

Jakurai: Hm? Ah, Samatoki-kun, it has been a while. You haven’t changed at all.

Samatoki: Yeah. You two, introduce yourselves.

Juto: Glad to meet you. I am Mad Trigger Crew’s Iruma Juto. I have heard talk about Jinguji-sensei for quite some time. It’s an honor to meet you.

Riou: It is nice to meet you at last. I am Busujima Mason Riou. Treat me well.

Jakurai: How polite of you. I am Matenrou’s Jinguji Jakurai. Though we will be fighting in the future, the pleasure is mine.

Samatoki: Are the ones behind you your team members?

Jakurai: That’s correct. Please introduce yourselves.

Hifumi: Hey heeey! I am Matenrou’s MC Gigolo, Izanami Hifumi! Nice ta meet’cha!

Samatoki: Hah? Why ya runnin’ your mouth?!

Hifumi: Haha, whoopsie! I made the yakuza angry! Doppo-chin help me~!

[Hifumi hides behind Doppo]

Doppo: H-Hey! H-Hifumi…!

Samatoki: Who’s the white collar?

Doppo: Hh! Y-Yakuza…!

Hifumi: Come on, Doppo! It’s rude to not properly introduce yourself!

[Hifumi pushes Doppo forward]

Doppo: Uh...

[Doppo pulls out his business card]

Doppo: This...is me...

[Samatoki grabs and crumbles the card]

Samatoki: A business card? Pain in the ass.

[Throws it on the ground]

Samatoki: You got a mouth, at least use it!!!

[Grabs Doppo by the collar]

Doppo: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m Kannonzaka Doppo, your average salary man…!

Juto: Hm? I feel like I’ve met him somewhere.

Samatoki: Say that to begin with, dumbass!

[Releases Doppo]

Doppo: ...I have a fate of being yelled at no matter where I go… Tomorrow, I’ll probably say something unnecessary and it’s going to be my fault we lose… And tomorrow it’ll be my fault that it rains. I’ll appear a wet mess without an umbrella in front of women… Hah… It’s all my… My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my…

Riou: What’s wrong with you all of a sudden? If you don’t feel well, drink this homemade special drink made with lavender (2).

[pours Doppo a drink]

Riou: Here.

Doppo: Huh? Thank you for your kindness…

Samatoki: Hey, Juto. Didn’t we try to drink that before and get knocked out cold in seconds?

[Juto starts shivering]

Samatoki: Huh? Hey, Juto, what’s up?

[Samatoki tries shaking Juto]

Juto: ...Ah! S-Stop it…! I don’t want to remember it…! Don’t make me remember that cursed taste…

Samatoki: O-Okay… Well I don’t gotta tell him.

Doppo: Now, I’ll gladly drink it.

[Doppo gulps down the drink]

Doppo: Ooh! I think I feel somewhat better...! It’s a bit bitter, but it’s a good feeling. Um, please tell me how to make this next time!

Riou: That’s good. Of course, I’ll tell you. Next time, you should come to Yokohama Division.

Samatoki: You shittin’ me? He drank it, no problem.

Juto: That’s unreal…

Hifumi: Heehh? Doppo, let me drink some too!

Doppo: Geez, Hifumi. Busujima-san, is that okay?

Riou: I don’t mind.

Doppo: Thank you very much. Come on, you thank him too.

Hifumi: Thankiiiieee!

[Riou pours another cup]

Riou: Go ahead.

Hifumi: Down the hatch~!

[Hifumi throws it all up and collapses]

Doppo: Huh? H-Hey! Hifumi, what’s wrong?

[Doppo tries slapping Hifumi awake]

Doppo: This isn’t the time to fool around!

Hifumi: HHHHuUUUhHGGG!!

Samatoki: Well, that’s a normal response.

Juto: Yeah.

Samatoki: Huh? What’s up with you, Juto?

Juto: No, it’s nothing. In any case, Samatoki, you have the District permits with you, right?

Samatoki: Duh. I’m the one in charge of ‘em...

[Samatoki pats his pockets]

Samatoki: Huh? Agh! Dammit!

Juto: Huh? Could it be, you left it at the office?

Samatoki: No! They’re there, you know, on the dashboard of the car!

Juto: Well that’s great. Then let’s go get them. Riou, you too.

Riou: Roger.

[Juto & Riou begin walking back to the car]

Samatoki: See ya, Sensei.

Jakurai: Yes, see you tomorrow, Samatoki-kun. Now, Doppo-kun, Hifumi-kun, shall we go on ahead?

Doppo: Yes.

Hifumi: Kaaaay...

[Everyone walks off]

—————

Hifumi: Oh, the big gate over there is the entrance, huh?

Doppo: Huh? Are the people over there from other teams?

Jakurai: It seems so. It’s Ichiro and his team and… Amemura is there too.

Hifumi: Oh! The Amemura Ramuda that Sensei hates!

Doppo: I know Sensei said not to worry about it, but have some tact! Right, Sensei? …Sensei?

Hifumi: Sensei went ahead already.

Doppo: Sensei…

Jakurai: It has been a while, Ichiro-kun. And the same to you, Amemura-kun.

Ichiro: Hello, Jakurai-san.

Ramuda: Eeh, that geezer Jakurai’s here, too...ahaha! Long time no see, Jakurai!

Jakurai: I can hear you, Amemura-kun. As always, you show no courtesy towards your elders.

Ramuda: Ehhh? I don’t know what you’re talking about~! ✩ So the shitty old man’s ears work just fine.

Jakurai: Haa, how long are you going to continue with your childish act.

Ramuda: Bleeeh! That’s none of your business! Hmph! Bleeeh! Why don’t you say something, huh?

Gentaro: Oh? So that’s Matenrou’s leader, Jinguji Jakurai. He’s not as temperate as I’ve heard.

Dice: Huh? What do you mean?

Gentaro: They say Jinguji Jakurai is so saintly he wouldn’t hurt a fly. But for him to suddenly lunge at Ramuda...

Dice: Oh…

Gentaro: Or on the other hand, Ramuda could have done something that angered even someone so divine.

Dice: Prob’ly. That’s something Ramuda would do, not that it’s any of my business.

Gentaro: Are you not curious about what happened, Dice?

Dice: Of course not. I came here for a gamble, not a history lesson.

Gentaro: Heh, that’s just like you to say something like that. However, knowing your enemy is essential for victory.

Dice: Then I’ll leave the complicated stuff to you. I’ll just have fun betting my life against the enemies in front of me.

Gentaro: My goodness. Well, obviously I couldn’t rely on someone as reckless as you. Let’s just play to our strengths and focus on our individual duties.

Dice: I kinda feel like you’re trash talking me, but since you’re taking care of that annoying stuff, I’ll let it slide and leave you to it.

Gentaro: That’s fine. Hm? The ones entering over there...

[lights cigarette]

Samatoki: The damn hypocrite, Yamada Ichiro-kun. I’ve missed you.

Juto: Well, well, it seems that everyone is here.

Riou: Hm. So these are the former Dirty Dawg members, Yamada Ichiro and Amemura Ramuda. I see. They do have a certain aura about them. I wonder just how good they are. I’m looking forward to it.

Doppo: H-Huh? It seems that the policeman from Mad Trigger Crew is walking towards me...

Hifumi: What’s wrong, Doppo? Someone you know? Just kidding, to meet someone you know in a place like this…

Juto: Hey, it’s been some time hasn’t it? You changed quite a bit, so I didn’t recognize you earlier.

Doppo: Huh? “Been some time”...?

Juto: I don’t blame you for forgetting. My appearance has changed quite a bit as well. I’m Iruma, we used to talk for quite a bit during questionings.

Doppo: Huh… Ah! The corrupt cop!

Juto: That’s a bit of an odd way be remembered as… But I’m glad that you recognize me.

Hifumi: Hey! It really was someone you knew!

Juto: You seem to have quite the unique friend there.

Doppo: S-Sorry…

Juto: Aha. It seems that you still have a habit of apologizing, Kannonzaka-san.

Doppo: A-Ah, sorry--

Juto: There is nothing for you to apologize for. Then, we shall part here.

Doppo: Ah, yes. I hope to see you again…

[Juto walks off]

Hifumi: Doppo, how’d you get to know him so well?

Doppo: It’s not like I know him well or anything...there were just a few complications back then...

—————

Ramuda: Wah! Sa-ma-toki! ♡ It’s been a while~!

[hugs Samatoki]

Samatoki: Aahh, pain in the ass! Don’t fucking touch me!

[tries to throw Ramuda off]

Ramuda: Hehe! It’s been so long, it’s fine, right?

[Samatoki continues to struggle]

Samatoki: Asshole, if you don’t cut the crap, I’ll kill you for real.

Ramuda: Samatoki scawy~! ♡

[Jakurai removes Ramuda]

Jakurai: It is rude to suddenly walk away when someone is speaking to you. Moreover, a proper adult would not do what others do not like.

Ramuda: Then, I’m fine being a kid -3-.

Jakurai: Haa, I am astonished beyond words.

Ramuda: In that case, keep your trap shut for eternity.

Jakurai: Amemura-kun, as I have said before, I can hear you.

Ramuda: Ahahaha! So annoying~!

Ichiro: Ramuda, enough already.

Ramuda: Wha?! Ichiro is picking on me too?! Boo hoo…!

Samatoki: Sensei, I’m sorry for the trouble.

Jakurai: No need; I had simply not finished my conversation with Amemura-kun.

Doppo: T-The Dirty Dawg members are all here!

Hifumi: Hyaaa! If I snap a pic and upload it to SNS, it’ll go viral!

Gentaro: The legendary group fallen from glory reunites out of pure coincidence...if this were a novel, it’d be an awesome scene, though I’d rather not encounter it in real life.

Dice: Don’t care, though. I just wanna hurry up and gamble.

Jakurai: Amemura-kun, to continue with the conversation from earlier--

Ramuda: I’m not being a real bother to you, so just leave me alone.

Jakurai: If you really think that, then I really question your sensitivity.

Ramuda: What are you talking about? I don’t understand.

Jakurai: Personally, I am deeply intrigued by the behaviors of the twisted, hence, I can’t hate them. People like that tend to be rather magnetic, pulling all those near them towards misfortune, but that’s just life. I don’t harbor any hatred or disapproval towards it.

Ramuda: Jeez! Your speech is so difficult and boring!

[Ramuda jumps and grabs Jakurai’s collar]

“Ramuda”: That’s enough, Jinguji Jakurai. If another word comes out of your mouth, you’ll regret it.

Jakurai: What?

Ramuda: Like I said~ Boring talks are a no-no!

Jakurai: *deep chuckle* Amemura-kun.

Ramuda: Whaa?

Jakurai: My sincerest apologies, but I truly don’t believe I can ever come to like you.

Ramuda: Ahaha~! I don’t mind because I de-de-de-de-de-de-deeeeespise you~!

Jakurai: *deep chuckle*

Ramuda: Hehe~

The faster, the better, since I’ve had enough of your face. No need to wait ‘til tomorrow.

[hypnosis mic on]

Jakurai: There is no helping it. This is self defense.

Ramuda rap:

None of your business, geezer

Cast away ghosts with this flow, the best!

Like a monster that keeps respawning, but

This rap is gonna end you, gramps!

[hypnosis mic attack wave]

Jakurai: Ghhaa...! Fufu… It’s been a while since I’ve felt this… He’s especially good with such dazzling style...this dizziness is unbearable.

Ramuda: Huuuuh? You’re down already? Jakurai, so lame~

Ramuda rap (cont):

Ha! Weak, weak, painful, painful

You look good in the grave, like a zombie

To respect you even though I hate you is impossible

Jakurai betrayed my expectations too much!

[hypnosis mic attack wave]

Jakurai: The same old amazing flow, I must say.

[hypnosis mic on]

Jakurai: This time, it is my turn.

Jakurai rap:

Indeed your rhyme, its style is superb however

I won’t show mercy to patients like you

Beneath the scalpel of words, can you win? No!

So let me give you some advice, if it’s your medical report, it’s pediatrics

[hypnosis mic self-recovery wave]

Ramuda: Woah! What a recovery!

Jakurai: I’ll be continuing.

Jakurai rap (cont):

There is no hope for you, a troubled soul’s child’s play

Respect raises a person to be strong

That is why I am strong (strong); respect fuels my strength

You will come to understand it in death, farewell (farewell)

[hypnosis mic defense wave]

Ramuda: Ghh--! Your raps are so dark as always. Your raps aren’t for attacking but are aimed at yourself. And then you elevated your mentality and upped your defense.

Jakurai: Battle tactics differ based on the individual; only a third rate rapper would complain.

Ramuda: Tch! I’m gonna keep coming at you though!

Ramuda rap (cont):

Annoyed, irritated, on edge, out of patience

Who do you think you are? A god? I hate you!

Being a pain as you so please

Getting on my nerves everytime

Such an arrogant zombie!

[hypnosis mic attack wave cancelled]

???: You will cease now, you sickening men.

[several women run in]

Jakurai: That’s…

Ramuda: Tch!

Hifumi: H-Hhh! There’s… so… many…Hh--!

Gentaro: What a sight…

Dice: What a fancy way to greet us.

Doppo: S-Sensei… Could those scary women possibly be…

Jakurai: She is the advisor to the Prime Minister and Superintendent General of the Metropolitan Police Department, Administrative Supervision Director-General, Kadenokouji Ichijiku. She is the number two of the current government.

Doppo: S-So it really is…!

Kadenokouji Ichijiku: Next, Jinguji Jakurai.

Hifumi : Hh! S-She’s coming this way…!

[Ichijiku walks towards Jakurai]

Jakurai: Yes, what is it?

Ichijiku: I’m the one who should be asking that, you fool! Have you a defense for this siutation?

Jakurai: No, none.

Ichijiku: Hmph! So you too are no more than a man.

Doppo: A-Ah… Pardon me…!

Ichijiku: What is it?

Doppo: Um… Sensei had no choice since Amemura Ramuda activated his hypnosis mic-

Jakurai: Doppo-kun, I’m fine.

Doppo: But--!

Jakurai: It’s okay. Anyways, Hifumi seems to be terrified so go to him instead.

Hifumi: *crying sounds* Doppo… Don’t leave me...

Doppo: …I understand.

[Doppo runs back to Hifumi]

Jakurai: I apologize for the trouble.

Ichijiku: He has a good heart, but you know what happens when people tries to make excuses before me...

[Ichijiku walks towards Fling Posse]

Ichijiku: Alright, next. Amemura Ramuda.

Ramuda: Yes, yes~! What is it, what is it?

Ichijiku: Shut up! Your voice is grating to hear!

Ramuda: Waaaah! Onee-san got angry at me!

Ichijiku: It irritates me to talk to someone like you. Listen well, I’m only saying this once so pay attention.

Ramuda: Naah~! I don’t like difficult talks so I won’t listen! Bye bye!

[Ramuda runs aways]

Ichijiku: It’s not worth talking to an idiot. Alright, we’re departing.

[all the women leave]

Jakurai: Hifumi-kun, are you alright?

Hifumi: L-Lots of… women…

Doppo: Just take a look! They’re already gone.

[Hifumi looks in all directions]

Hifumi: That was suuuper scary!

Doppo: Amemura Ramuda is an odd one, as predicted.

Jakurai: Yes. He is an oddball, but he has first class skill.

Doppo: *grimace*

Doppo: With what we’ve seen of the other team members, they all look very skilled.

Jakurai: It may not be reassuring coming from me, however, I believe with you two, we can win.

Hifumi & Doppo: Sensei…!

Jakurai: Now then, shall we enter Chuuoku?

Hifumi & Doppo: Yes!

—————

Gentaro: It was my first time seeing someone as respectable as Kadenokouji Ichijiku.

Ramuda: That Onee-san doesn’t really have a reason in going out, so we were totes lucky to see her!

Dice: That important-seeming woman has such an exaggerated title.

Gentaro: Dice, she doesn’t just seem important, she is that important.

Dice: Oh, for real?

Gentaro: Dice, could it be that...you don’t know of her?

Dice: Not a clue. Not like her name will do me any good in gambling, anyway.

Ramuda: Ahaha, that’s so like you Dice!

Gentaro: Haa...all else aside, Ramuda, you dared to use your Hypnosis Mic under such a woman’s jurisdiction...this kind of situation—

[phone rings]

Ramuda: Sorry~ I need to take this, ‘kay?

Dice: Just pick it up here, who cares?

Ramuda: It’s a call from Onee-san so I don’t really want you to hear about it~ Unless you want to hear our flirting~? ☆

Dice: Never mind, take it outside.

Ramuda: See? Then, I’ll go out for a bit~!

[Ramuda runs off to take to call]

[exits the building]

Gentaro: Hmm…

[phone continues to ring]

[picks up call]

Ramuda: I thought you’d call, Onee-san!

Ramuda: Yup, of course no one is listening.

Ramuda: Yeah.

Ramuda: Like I said, sorry ‘bout that!

Ramuda: Yeah. I know, I know.

Ramuda: Yeah, uhuh.

Ramuda: Uhh yeah...

“Ramuda”: Yeah, that won’t be a problem. Without any delay. If there is anything suspicious about the other divisions, I’ll report it immediately. Yes, if you can.

Ramuda: Mhmm!

Ramuda: Okay~!

Ramuda: Aha~!

Ramuda: Of course, Ichijiku onee-san! ❤️

TL notes

1. “Ramuda” uses “ore” to refer to himself instead of Ramuda’s usual “boku”. Both mean “I” or “me” but “ore” is relatively less polite and more masculine.

2. Lavender has many health benefits including treating anxiety, stress, insomnia, and relaxation. But who knows what else Riou threw in there.

#hypnosis mic #hypnosis microphone #hypmic #fling posse #matenrou #amemura ramuda #yumeno gentaro #arisugawa dice #jinguji jakurai #izanami hifumi #kannonzaka doppo #t:drama #fling posse vs matenrou

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hippyjonny · 5 years

Text

Why the Caged Bird Shall Not Sing

I am a pervert. I pay my taxes, I respect the elderly, and I turn the volume down if a neighbor asks me; but bubbling under the manhole is a torrential tidal wave of filth and desire. Around me are those frightened by the emancipation of said powers upon the swept sidewalks of our neighborhoods. The blinding, loosing of the power of free love is not for everyone.

There are women on Tinder and elsewhere whose only desire is to have someone wait on them hand and foot. Somewhere between their creepy, doting fathers and a Louis Vuitton handbag their sex lies limp and parched like a rodent carcass. Why must we buy the farm to drink the milk? I would like to be the milkman. Let me be your milkman. Love, it seems, despite what the good Lord said, is conditional. And those conditions are determined by a fluctuating economic market. Oh, it’s not just money, you simpleton. It’s your hide! Nobody can enjoy a monkey in a cage as if that’s not enough. You gotta Instagram it. You gotta capture it and put it in amber for eternity. I’m your Instagram monkey, the NIKE swoosh on your breast, a Pokemon of love.

If I love you, it means I love you when you’re not here, when you’re in another man’s bed, when you come back and tell me what I did wrong. Love is not incarceration. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I can promise you now. That’s not enough, then I don’t know what is. When you write “No ONS” you eliminate all the possibilities. I’m a sex fiend, but I’m a gentleman. I don’t mean a black-faced, sociopathic Canadian prime minister, a neckbeard with a fedora, a fidgeting online stalker with a fiery case of hemorrhoids texting you like kalashnakov rain; I mean that as much as I love a destructive, jackhammering affair, I also might make you laugh, buy you a gin tonic, and bid you adieu.

The more you search for a relationship the more it will elude you like trying to catch water. Water has no name, no face and each bead of water resembles the next. I don’t want to be the dildo that plugs the hole in your miserable life. I want to be the man who rattles your truss with the earthquake of laughter. I want to be the guy in the leather jacket on a hawg riding into the sunset and you gripping around my hairy gut like the handles of a balance beam. Is that stupid?

Women are barraged with a rain of dicks, a typhoon of dicks. I will never know what that’s like. But we’re not all out to get you. Some of us are just wolves in wolves’ clothing. And fair enough, “No FWB,” but I’m not just gonna sign the contract before test driving the car. Women (or men) who have sex on the first date are brave cosmonauts of the flesh. They don’t want to live on a desert planet for the rest of their lives, they want a lush jungle planet festering with buzzing insects, hissing reptiles and fanged beasts. What we want is passion and you’re insecure need for assurances that even God himself can’t give is a complete lack of understanding of the fundamental condition of life.

So, yes, I think about your body and yes when you step off the train you remain jellied and categorized in the folds of my pink goo. But Jesus Christ we don’t have to get married for me to see you tomorrow. I have decided to terrorize the flesh, haunt the halls of our institutions, and chip away at the paint of the whitewashed wicker fences. Keep your daughters away from me, but I’m coming for your mothers.

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danddfan-madeconcepts · 6 years

Text

The Second (Villain idea)

Here's one for you DM's that don't need a main villain, but do need a villain's right-hander.

The Second, they are there bosses most truest minion, & usually for good reason. The second may be a lot of things, but a betrayer isn't one of them (another idea for another time). They have been know to give there all to there boss, life included (& sometimes so much more). -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Types of 'The Second'

The Friend: At the end of the day they may not be brilliant, strong, or charismatic, but they are the shoulder that there boss would cry on. The friend is what it's name suggest, the friend of the boss. There loyalty comes from true friendship with there boss (Or at least what they perceive as true friendship)

The Accountant: You ever try to administer an evil organization, well I gotta tell you, it's damn well hard & time consuming. The accountant does the no glamorous stuff for his boss, & no it's not the glamorous non-glamorous stuff (like assassination bribery & torture) but the actual non-glamour stuff (like tax returns, worker's comp forms, HR relations). They stay loyal due to being well payed (in some cases, getting payed more than the boss), a high ranking position, health care, & the oh so special dental care (gods save the poor villains that didn't offer dental care)

Le Killer: When your big bad is a big whip he'll have one of these around. Le Killer is going to cut you, hard, for no particular reason. They are like an untamed beast who will attack first & only stop if there boss says so. They are loyal due to the fun of being part of an evil organization.

The Brains: When your smart but not charismatic & are also evil, you usually end up like 'the brains' & or become a mad scientist. Sadly they didn't go down the mad scientist route & have become the smarter half of the boss/second duo. They follow the boss due to some sorta logical reason (usually it's having the ability to gain money & power)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virtues: Loyal, Needed, Hard Worker.

Flaws: Blind Loyalty, Lackey.

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grimimic-blog · 6 years

Text

The story I made for the game collaboration between me and https://urg-urg-urg.tumblr.com/

Halloween 12 all-stars at the Olympic games team racing, featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series and Knuckles

AKA A huge Hallows eve!

It was no secret to feyfolk that humans were boring. Nearly void of magic, Nowhere near as attractive as elves, all they ever wanted to talk about was taxes and back pain, and even a starving hill ogre wouldn't eat one because they tasted so awful! Truly the worst species on the planet, but something Gong had overheard earlier in the week while visiting a human tavern had caught the little goblins ears. Human holidays were strange and foreign to many feyfolk. It didn't make much sense to pick an arbitrary day to be wear green and binge drink to Gong. She already did that just about everyday, but this "Halloween" had her full attention. "Fizzy hurry up I don't want to miss all the free shit!" Gong yelled in the direction of her closet. A light thump and some obscured insults preceding the purple fairy fluttering from behind the corner. "Hey you're the one that said we had to "Dress up to get free candy"! I'm just trying to make sure I look good. What happens if I meet a hot guy while we're out!?" "Don't kid yourself Fizz, we both know if you set yourself up for failure you're just going to get drunk and crawl in bed with me again after I fall asleep." "S-shut up! That was one time and I was because I was cold! Just get in here and help pick out something for us to wear!"

the girl's shared closet was surprisingly spacious, but that had a lot to do with all small the girls were themselves. Outfits lined the walls, Hanging from hooks and sitting neatly folded on shelves, but where soon to be scattered on the floor as their owners tried to find the perfect style for the nights festivities. A pair of cocktail dress's that happened to be the nicest thing either of them had ever pull from a dumpster, Some comfy pajamas, A pair of thigh high boots that were actually just regular boots on a normal sized person, and an invisibility cloak that made itself invisible when worn rather than the subject wearing it all lay in a pile on the ground before the girls had picked their outfits for the night. A simple cloth vest skirt combo for Gong, and a long silken dress for Fizzy.

The streets were dimly lit by orange glow of nearby lamp posts. The sounds of screaming children dressed in caricatures costumes of feyfolk that Fizzy and Gong would have found rather insulting if either of them had focused on anything other than their fantasies of what an entire night of free candy would be like. A fantasy that was about to be rudely interrupted by what appeared to be two disheveled, and slightly bloated werecats with plastic ears and tails. "Aayyyy whha-WHAT are you kiz gona do wihou a canny bags!!" Asked the first woman at a volume louder than needed. "Ignore her please. She's had a little too much partying tonight" Said the second stranger, as her friend finished the liquor bottle she was holding. Popping the strained button on her small shorts in the process. "Naht the only one am I!" her overly intoxicated friend replied before giving her soberish friend a hardy slap to the gut that sent the small mound into a sloshing fit. "Alright you're going to home to bed! Stop bothering these Girls." She said before both werecates walked off into the night. "Gong. That woman said something about a candy bag. All of these kids have candy bags! You didn't say anything about needing bags to get free candy!" "Relax Fizz. The bags can't be that important right? Even if they are we could totally kick the crap out of one of these kids, they're only like five years old, and I brought my brass knuckles." "Fine whatever. I still think there's got to be some kind of catch. No one give things away without making you pay for it". The first house of the night was an unremarkable little thing painted white with green shutters. On the porch sat an older looking man dressed as some sort of vampire farmer who called out to the mas they approached. "Ohh aren't you a cute one! What are you supposed to be one of those pocketmans?" "I'm a goblin, and my friend is a fairy" Gong replied. "Oh you kids and your youth! Here you go. A candy corn on the cob for you, and one for you're little birdy there too".

"Now I know why we needed bags" Sneered Fizz as she crammed another head-sized piece of candy corn into her mouth. The purple sprite's middle pushing more, and more outward with each swallow. "We'll be fine." Replied Gong. "We can just eat whatever candy we get as we're walking. It's not like every human is going to give out weird stuff like this right?" "Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you spit everything with me fifty fifty alright?" You're like a fifth of my size Fizz! it already looks like you swallowed a tennis ball, and I don't plan on rolling your fat butt all the way home!" "you're one to talk. I'm pretty sure I heard you pop a seam a few minuets ago." The purple pixie punctuated her point with a firm slap to her companions rounded belly. The girl's conversation was cut abruptly short when Gong nearly tripped over the steps leading to the second house of the night. A modest purple building decorated in little ghosts and uncarved pumpkins. The two girls were about to knock when the door burst open and a particularity unspooky spirit stepped out. "Hey there kiddos! You two sure are in for a treat!" Piped the cheery little ghost. "Dude we're like 26" Replied the deadpan Fizzy. "That's alright! You girls can still have a taste of what's under my sheet!" "I'm calling the cops." "My apple pies are famous around here, but not very good for Halloween; Until this year anyway! I've combined apple pie and caramel apples into the ultimate confection!" Cheered the man in the ghost costume as he pulled two caramel covered disks on sticks from under his sheet, and handed them over.

"These are pretty good you know?" Gong said with her mouth still half full. "Kind of hard to eat, but still good". If Fizzy had been listening she didn't or more likely couldn't answer, but being submerged in a pie near the size of your whole body will do that. The difficulty of trying to carry and eat an entire pie on nothing but a cheap craft stick had forced the short sweeties to rest at a picnic table not far down the street. Each bite forced Gong's belly out farther and farther. Straining her clothes, and forcing her legs apart to make room for it's gravid shape. By the time the last bite of thick caramel and flaky apple pie passed her lips the green girl could have easily been mistaken for some near the end of pregnancy; But goblins may as well have been giants compared to fairies, and the effects of the confection were far more pronounced on Fizzy. The candy corn had already left her more than a little bloated, but as the purple pixie slowly ate her way past the hard caramel shell and into the center of the apple pie her belly had ballooned to dramatic levels. Her clothing stood no chance of containing the beast known as the faerie's gut. She laid prone in the pie tin on her basketball of a belly, naked from the waist down, trying with all her might to force any crumb withing reach into her mouth. "Uhh Fizzy any particular reason you aren't wearing underpants?" "Were you not paying attention earlier? What If I meet a stud while we're out? Panties would only get in the way." "Oh right. I forgot that purple balloons were every man's dream girl." Snided Gong. "Anyway, let's get going. the night isn't over yet, and we've got houses to hit."

Gong rang the doorbell of the third house. clutching her heavy, heaving tummy. If she let go her balance was at risk, and the mental image of an watermelon explosion was one she had to shake away more than a few times. The trudge to the third house was made that much longer by her slow, exaggerated, waddling. Each step a miniature battle with her own full tummy. A purple blimp of a pixie bobbing and swayed as she floated behind her. Her own belly nearly scraping on the ground until a flurry of flapping wins sent her back into the air. The door creaked open. A green sheet that looked distinctively like the ghosts from the earlyer houses poked it's head out the door, googly eyes bouncing wildly. "Who daressss enter the lair of the sneeeeeek?" Hissed the man in very ghost looking "snake" costume. "Nice costume... Dig the color." Gong weezed between breaths. Carrying the extra weight of her turgid gut had left more tired than she realized. "Thankssss friend! I made it myssssself!" Fizzy who's wings were already tired of holding her massive body in air chose to interrupt the two green revelers conversation. "Trick or treat! Now just give us whatever weird candy you've got back there and let us go". If plastic googly eyes could look confused the snake would have looked shockingly bewildered. "There's no weird candy here friends. Just some gummies I'm afraid." Fizz and Gong let out a collective sigh of relief, but apparently it had been too soon as seconds later both of them were nearly knocked over by the enormous gelatinous treats tossed to them by the man in the snake costume. An impressive feat seeing as the costume possessed no arms. "There you go girls, gummy pythons! Hope they're good, I made them myself!"

Bit by chewy bit the gelatinous reptiles were forced into the already packed stomachs of the minuscule monsters as they approached the fourth, and last house on the street. "Ugghh... I swear he must have used a real snake to make molds for these" Fizzy groaned. "I can see the scale prints". "How are we supposed to eat these anyway! One of these is as long as my whole body!" Gong added. "You just gotta slurp it down girl! You've had boyfriends before haven't you?" Fizzy punctuated her insult by taking a large gulp from the tail end of her gummy snake. "Hey Fizz maybe you should be more careful? You might choke....Or explode." Gong said between bites of her own sugary treat. "you're already looking kinda fat honestly. I was only kidding about the whole rolling you home thing earlier... Are you listening Fizz?" Fizzy unfortunately was not listening as she was far too preoccupied with choking on the massive sugar serpent that currently clogging her windpipe. "Oh my Gods Fizz! Don't worry I-I'll help you! Don't die!" Gong tried every idea she could think of but Fizzy's tiny body made the Heimlich impossible, and the gummy was wedged far too deep in the fairie's bulbous tummy to be dislodged by pulling on it. "Ok. Ok. Think Gong. You can do this." The Goblin muttered to her self, voice seeped in panic. "Ohh I really sorry about this Fizzy. Just hold on I've got another idea." Fizzy wasn't even given a chance to reply before Gong seized the end of the gummy snake and pushed it deeper into her gullet. Slowly the candy serpent was forced into the faerie's stomach. The already strained clothing stretched thinner as seams and stitches popped one by one. Both girls silently hoping they wouldn't be joining them in a similar fashion. As the last of the gummy was crammed down her throat Fizzy fell to the ground. Wings no longer able to lift her boulder of a belly. The impact being the final straw for her poor clothing before the tortured garment released its death knell as it torn to shreds. Fizzy was now nude, and grounded by a belly several times larger than her own body, but she was alive, and the sugary serpent was finally slain. "Oh-oh hell Gong! I though I was gonna die!" Fizzy wheezed out between gasping breaths. "do you still want to go to the next house, or should just head home, so you can rest?" Asked Gong. "No no I still want to keep going. There's only one house left on this street, but I...." "But what? "Do you feel sick? Did you hurt yourself?" Gong's voice was beginning to take on it's previous worried tone. "I can't move... My belly is too heavy..." "I told you this was going to happen! Splitting everything fifty fifty was a stupid idea from the start." "Well we wouldn't have had to eat everything while walking if SOMEONE had remember to bring treat bags!" "Fine I'll carry your fat butt around until we get home! Just let me finish my own gummy first." "I'm not fat. I'm full. there's a difference." The fairy mumbled to herself, as her friend resumed eating the candy snake hanging from around her neck. Choosing to take bites proved to be a much better strategy on Gong's part than swallowing the entire sucrose reptile whole, but it was also much slower. Bite after bite the gummy shrank, and Gong's belly grew. The fabric of her clothing pulled tighter and tighter, threatening to tear any second and leave her as exposed as her purple companion. As the last bit of gummy passed her green lips, Gong took notice of the effects it had on her stomach. The gigantic green orb had ballooned to the size of roughly half her body. Cramming it full with a gummy almost the same length as the goblin was tall may have been a bad idea. No it DEFIANTLY was a bad idea, but there was no way Gong would ever waste free candy!

"Ohh hell... This. This is heavy." "see not so easy is it!" Chided the bloated fairy. Her smirk would have left much more of an impact if not for her own leviathan middle. Gong struggled to lift her huge friend into her arms. A slip of her hand eliciting a sharp gasp from the massive Fizzy. "Watch where you grabbing Gong!" "Ha ha. Whoops." Gong responded. Her face red with embarrassment, as she finally succeeded in hoisting Fizzy over her head, and started the long trudge down the street.

Thud, creak, thud, creak. Heavy footsteps pounded against aged wood. The combined weight of the two girls was less than that of a large human, but that didn't stop Gong from having a miniature panic attack as each step groaned in their wake. She laid Fizzy down near the doorstep, making sure the overstuffed fairy wouldn't tip over, and rang the bell. Inside the house hurried footsteps responded to the noise. "Like just a sec! I Need *hic* to get my costume on!" For a moment they considered walking away. Cutting their losses and going home unexploded was by no means a bad idea, but as the door swung open, and and the smell of sugary treats floated out, that thought, and really any common sense warning the two girls about the repercussions of expanding their already massive waistlines was immediately dashed. "Like *hic* sorry about that. Can't hand out candy with out my costume now can I?" Just like the last three houses the owner was dressed in her own variation of a ghost costume, but unlike the others she seemed sort of lumpy around the middle, and Gong swore she could hear the woman emitting a noise that sounded remarkably like faint static.

"Please lady! Just please don't give us anything weird! I can't take anymore. I'm so big already." Groaned The massive Fizz. "Ohh man kid, *urp* like what the hell is wrong with your weird purple dog?" "She's fine don't worry about it. Just tell me you don't have anything on a cob, or a stick, or that you made out of snakes?" "Sorry I don't have any of those. All Ive got is some bags of these fizzy rocks, but they're like old and stuff, so they kind of melted into fizzy boulders." Answered the ghost lady, who pulled two large bags of the candy off the table next to her. They tore into the bags immediately. The woman in the ghost costume hadn't lied when she said the candies had melted together. Large crystalline chunks of candy as large as Gong's head had formed in each bag. Fizzy was devouring mouthfuls of of the hard treat, Seeming to have forgotten the incident with the gummy snake already. Gong ate at a slightly slower, but still noticeably ravenous speed. Half because she wanted this all to be over so she could lay her tired belly to bed, and half because she was too greedy to resist the the gift of free candy. "Ugghh what is this stuff?! My mouth feels all weird, and tingly!" Fizzy whined. "You got anything to drink back there lady?" "Nothing except some orange soda, and I like *hic* totally don't recommend it. "Come on lady we haven't had anything to drink all night. We're dying over here." "Wait here. Said the ghost. After a brief moment she returned from the kitchen with a six pack of orange soda that she handed over to Gong. The first can quenched their thirsts. The second was for fun. The last was because they were both too gluttonous to stop. "I feel- *urp* I feel funny. Fizzy griped. "Aww is *hic* Fizzy felling fizzy?" Gong joked. Oblivious to the fact that both of them were slowly growing rounder. "This *hic* isn't funny Gong! Look at us! We're blowing up!" "I like did try to warn you" Said the woman as she removed her costume. Putting her own bloated stomach on full display. "I've been bloated all night. Those fizzy rocks take forever to dissolve when they get old. "Fizz we need to go now! My belly is *urp* too big! It's getting hard to move!" Gong panicked as the seams of her clothing fought against the inflating green orb inside them. She grabbed Fizzy and waddled away from the house as quickly as her heavy body would allow. Within moments the sound of ripping fabric announced that her clothing had just lost the war against her still inflating gut.

Gong heaved her back into the purple boulder. It rolled slowly, but steadily in the direction of their home. Halloween had not been kind to the goblin nor the fairy. As the last light on the last porch went off signaling the end of the night's celebration both of them were left stark naked, with heavy intensely full bellies, each nearly the same size as Gong was tall. "I was kidding when I said I didn't want to roll you home earlier." I didn't think it was going to be an issue. Gong grunted, as she rolled her friend home. "Maybe your psychic?" Fizzy said. her voice thick with sarcasm. "Can you tell what number I'm thinking of right now?" "No, but I bet it's smaller than your current weight." Gong shot back. "Alright funny girl. Just watch where you going ok? You pushed me into some trash and now I've there's a restaurant flyer stuck to my boobs. What the hell even is a "thanksgiving" about?" "Sorry Fizz. I'll peel it off when we get home. I'm sure it's nothing interesting anyway. You know humans are boring.

THE END

#my stuff #colab #my buddies #my words

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