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thelikesoffinn · 1 year

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„Astarion ending as the Vampire Ascendant is the correct ending for him, because it is what he wants.”

That is a claim I’ve been seeing pop up more and more often these days. And I think it’s both a very bold and a very odd claim to make.

But first things first: Hello, I’m a licensed social worker! So far, I’ve worked with children, refugees and youths with behavioural issues stemming from bullying and or abuse.

Please be aware that I will be mentioning different kinds of abuse, coping mechanisms, and victim/abuser relationships. If any of this is difficult for you, don’t force yourself through it. My jabbering about a traumatised vampire is not worth your wellbeing, not ever.

I will, however try to stick to Astarion and not use other examples. If, in any case, I do use a non-Astarion example, I’ll add a warning beforehand so that you can skip the part. And I’ll make it clear what will be discussed in the next bit, so that you have a chance to skip it entirely.

This is an effort to make this as accessible as possible for everyone that wants to indulge on a mad woman’s rambling – and I know there’s a few people that like this sort of stuff!

And, uh, there's obviously spoilers for all three acts. Serious spoilers, even.

Before I can get into the whole ‘why Astarion didn’t really want to ascend,’ we need to understand him a little more. And to understand this pretty boy’s brain, we first need to understand the gist of what we’re talking about when we throw around the word ‘abuse.’

“Abuse” is when someone is treated with cruelty, violence, or neglect – often to bad effect – on a regular basis. Repetitively. Check’s out for Astarion, I’d say, but we all knew that already. I mean, if one thing was obvious, it was this.

1. Astarions Abuse

Next we need to look at what kind of abuse Astarion faced over his long years of torment, seeing as different types of abuse will have different effects on the victim.

Not that that is anything we have to worry about with him – Astarion won the abuse lottery, to put it bluntly. In a horrible game of fate, he got everything. He himself indirectly mentions all the types of abuse he faced, albeit never using the correct terms.

The first we properly notice – fitting, seeing as it is often the most obvious form of abuse – is the physical abuse. Astarions scars are probably the biggest tell Larian could shove down our throats, only underlined by Astarion’s tale about the night itself. About how Cazador ‘misspelled something’ every time he flinched or screamed and had to do ‘many corrections. On top of this, Cazador locked Astarion up for months on end and tortured him – or had him tortured – on a regular basis both as a rite and as a punishment.

Next up, we have the fact that Astarion was forced to basically prostitute himself repeatedly. This is what we call sexual exploitation.

“I spent two hundred years using my body to lure pretty things back for my Master.” – Act 2

Two hundred years is a long time, filled with great many people. Now, we don’t know how many of those people actually tapped into the sexual exploitation and how many he could just lure back with other means, but the fact that it happened a lot is undeniable.

Next we have a form of abuse that we often disregard in adults: Neglect. It sounds odd, I know, saying that a fully grown adult was neglected. They can care for themselves, can they not?

Well. Yes and no.

Adult neglect is proceeded by the condition that one adult has to lean on another adult to fulfil their needs for whatever reason. This could be anything, from disability to income-based issues.

Seeing as Astarion had absolutely nothing, while Cazador had everything, we can assume this was the case. Cazador had the house, the money, the power. Astarion owns but one pair of clothes, assumedly, that he has fixes over and over again. Fair to say, that’s pretty neglectful. (And it’s one more reason to shower the guy in pretty armour and camp clothes. Go ham, people.)

Last we have the form of abuse we actually get to witness later in the game – emotional abuse.

Once again, it’s undeniable that this happened. Especially since we’re all seeing it in the flesh upon meeting Cazador in his crypt.

“Have you no respect for yourself?”

“I strove for perfection in all things. Even those as imperfect as you.”

“A pity you amounted to so little, despite my efforts.”

“A pathetic little boy who never amounted to anything.”

All Act 3, Crypt

Here we have just a few examples of things Cazador throws in his face. It’s like reading a textbook on emotional abuse, this one (and it’s definitely a reason to throw hands).

Blaming the victim, keeping their sense of self and their self-worth as tiny as possible to make them cower and flee. A true classic.

This pretty much shows that Astarion suffered all forms of abuse we commonly see and it is implied – once again by Astarion himself – that at least a few of those instances were ritualistic.

Now, what does that mean exactly? Well, I fear I need to use a real example here, so please skip the next paragraph.

Ritualistic doesn’t refer to a proper ritual – it can, but that’s mostly a thing for those in a cult. So, we’re not necessarily talking about a ‘Vampire Ascendent Ritual’. A husband, beating his wife every evening after his third bottle of beer is also called ritual abuse. It happens regularly. It is part of a routine. Both parties know what will happen.

I can’t find the exact quote, so I’m working of my memory here, but at one point he said that when Cazador invited him to eat and he said yes, he would be served a putrid rat. If he said no, he’d be beaten.

The way it was phrased made it clear that it happened more than once and that Astarion clearly knew what would happen. So, this can be classified as ritualistic abuse.

2. A Note on Conditioning and Compliance

By default, abuse victims are conditioned to behave a certain way or in a certain fashion. This is a natural response to avoid further abuse.

In Astarion, the thing we see most often is his inherent need to please. Not literally, he doesn’t mind being an arsehole. But he initially feels the need to follow Tav’s orders, even if they go against his own wishes.

This can be clearly seen in the conversation with Araj Oblodra. Astarion very clearly doesn’t want to bite her. He doesn’t. But he will do so, if Tav tells him to. This behaviour is not conscious – he doesn’t know why he does it, he just does – and it is to be expected. This is how he kept himself save for two centuries, so of course he will fall back into his usual pattern when the pressure is high.

This goes hand in hand with the fact that most abuse victims don’t fight. Maybe initially, but not after long term abuse. Especially not after two fucking centuries.

This is true in Astarion – offered by his ‘siblings’ during act 3 and unhappily acquiesced by the man himself. Astarion stopped fighting and, once again implied, cowered, and did as he was told in order to survive.

3. The Astarion we know and love

Obviously, all that abuse does have an impact on our vampire boyfriend. He shows various common signs of abuse and just like with the forms of abuse, Astarion raked every coping mechanism he could find. (Not really, but it feels like it.) It’s also important to note that nearly all of the following things happen inwardly. Astarion is not one of the victims, that tries to rationalise and minimise the actions of his abuser. Quite the opposite, actually.

I’ll note from the beginning, that rationalisation will not be covered in this bit, as most examples will be important later on. But he definitely does it.

One of his biggest skills is to hide every ounce of fear or hurt behind sarcasm and snarky theatrics. He doesn’t seem to hide his anger much, though, so that’s something! Our boy is cool with anger, not so much with being afraid.

“Ahahaha, now that you mention it….I might have done…that.” – Act 3, regarding the Gur children

“The thing that will decide my fate forever more? Yeees, it’s been on my miiiind. Why?” – Act 2, regarding the Ritual

And there’s many more instances that prove this. Honestly, half his dialogue is sarcasm, so it would really be too long to get into and we all know what I mean, right? We have alltalked to the guy before. It’s obvious that he’s sarcastic to a fault.

This goes hand in hand with his penchant for defensiveness. I would personally state that he’s simply not really good with guilt. When talking about fear, he usually just opts for sarcasm or avoids the topic completely, but guilt especially has his defences going up. This is also when he’s most likely to shove all the blame off to Cazador.

“Don’t look at me like that. Cazadors orders.” – Act 3, Crypt

“I just did what I had to!” – Act 3, Crypt

And don’t get me wrong, he does that anyway. And with good reason. Astarion didn’t have a choice for the most part, but he’s still easy to shove things off.

This kind of connects to his penchant for denial.

Astarion doesn’t really like to talk about most things. He firmly believes he is an ‘action’ sort of person that just does instead of plans, which invertedly just means he’s great at pushing the thinking stuff away. He also likes to get rid of stuff, so that he doesn’t need to face it ever again.

“I never want to see these little scraps of misery again. The world doesn’t need to know my shame.” – Act 3, about the children

And yes, this partly rings true. He’s probably ashamed and doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s done. But it’s also very clear that he himself simply doesn’t want to face his own actions, something that is just underlined by his extreme willingness to red rid of the other spawn.

As mentioned by Astarion himself, he’s big on manipulation. I mean, I don’t think there is much explaining necessary. The guy is willing to do a whole lot in order to get what he desires – which mostly revolves around safety and survival, to be honest – and he’s not really shy about it either. And that’s despite the fact that he doesn’t really like intimacy – especially in form of sex.

It’s not a secret that Astarion is not big on sex and anything surrounding it. This goes far enough for people to consider him either ace or ace coded.

A claim that, personally, I’m not super in line with.

Now, it’s not entirely wrong and if this is your head cannon I’m surely not going to stand in your way – but on a larger spectrum, I think he’s more traumatised than ace. And while those go hand in hand sometimes, it’s a bit difficult for the ace community if you attach traumatised characters to them because it can fuel a whole lot of stigma that is honestly neither needed nor wanted. But I digress!

If it comes to his own behaviour, he’s great at minimising his mistakes. Honestly, he’s a master of minimisation. A very obvious and famous example would be:

“’Killed’ feels like a…strong word. Not many corpses have your vigour.” – Act 1, after killing Tav

Astarion. You literally sucked poor Tav dry and left them flopping around, cold, and dead. Killed is exactly the right word and we all know it.

“Quite the deviation from my usual routine. Capture, not lure. I didn’t bring them in with sweet rolls or anything.” – Act 3, Gur Children

This is another attempt at minimising what he did, if a bit less obvious because at this point there isn’t much he can say. But at least he didn’t sexualise the gur children, right? They’re still spawn but whoo, at least that didn’t happen.

The next point would be dissociation, which is extremely common in abuse victims – of all forms of abuse.

Astarion himself mentioned certain moments that could be classified as dissociation over course of the story, which is probably the coping mechanism I personally expected the most.

The pale elf has a penchant for violence, but he’s not entirely shameless or abhorrently vile, which gets clearer the more the story progresses. So, two hundred years of forced prostitution, torture and doing whatever other horrible things? Yeah, I’d be more surprised if he didn’t dissociate.

Examples of that would be:

“A moment of disgust to push myself through and then I could’ve carried on, just like before.” – Act 2, after Araj

“I felt nothing the moment I handed them over.” – Act 3, Gur Children

“Did you enjoy it? It felt like you weren’t fully there.” – Act 1, Tav after Sex

The latter is generally more of an assumption than actual prove, but with context it does make sense.

The last common sign of abuse we find in our boyfriend would be his low self-worth. It’s a consistent trait that stays over the course of all three acts, noticeable in many different conversations.

We can see it in his reaction to wanting to break up before finishing his story. We can see it in his genuine surprise when Tav picks him over any of the other characters. We see it in his insecurity whenever Tav asks to sleep with another character. He’s fine with it, but he still worries their decision to sleep with someone else is based on something he did.

It eases up ever so slightly after Cazador is dead, but even then he’s still struggling which is once again perfectly illustrated if you try to break up with him.

“Oh shit. I- Did I do something wrong?”

That is the first thing he asks and I think it speaks for itself. He genuinely doesn’t believe he has much to offer and for Astarion, it’s likely that Astarion will always be the problem.

4. "Oh, I tried them all none of them answered.”

Another big thing that’s important to note, is that Astarion was never saved. No one came to save him from Cazador. There was no darling boy on a white steed riding into that castle to rescue him and princess carry him away. Not even the gods answered his desperate calls.

So, he never received any kindness or luck. To him, the world seems as cruel and horrid as before because he didn’t have the chance to experience goodness in two centuries.

But worse than that, he didn’t even get to save himself. Astarion didn’t stand up to Cazador, he didn’t run out of his own might.

He was beaten to near death and ‘saved’ by Cazador, who would become his abuser.

He tried to save someone and, in turn, was locked up and starved for an entire year.

He was abducted by mind flayers, i.e., saved from Cazador, only to end up tadpoled and on the cusp of getting a fancy, squiddy beard.

Anything that’s good, any kindness, any selfless action…it all came with a ginormous price tag.

5. Over the Course of the Story

Astarions behaviour changes a whole lot over the course of three acts – which is important once we talk about his quests climax – so let’s review what we’re working with!

Act 1 Astarion is guarded as fuck. The man has walls around him that are so high, even the gods can touch them.

A lot of his behaviour in act 1 revolves around staying save and staying liked. He lies, manipulates, and flutters his lashes in order to get what he wants and needs. Instead of asking, like Wyll, Karlach and Gale do, Astarion uses all he has to offer to get by. He is still very much in survival mode and tries to weasel his way through an unfamiliar situation with familiar methods.

On top of that, and most notably, he’s absolutely not fond of kindness or selflessness.

#I saved a child and now my boyfriend is mad

Here, we are most likely to gain disapproval for doing the decent thing – unless you sent him outside for a minute whenever you’re being a good person.

And I’d assume that this is because of two things.

First: The very traditional ‘Why not me?’

As I mentioned before, Astarion wasn’t saved. He hasn’t experienced kindness in a very long time so seeing that the world is literally filled with kind people is hurtful. Why didn’t anyone save him? Why was he left to his own devices for so long? Why should he care about others when it’s so clear that no one ever cared about him? No, dead to all of them. If he didn’t get it, neither will they.

“And what am I owed? What about the injustices I suffered? Am I not entitled to anything?” – Act 3, Crypt

“I was in the prime of my life when I was turned. Everything was taken from me too.” – Act 3, Crypt

And secondly is the fact that, as I mentioned, goodness always has a price. And it’s one most people won’t be willing to pay. That’s how his life has been, so why would theirs be different?

This is precisely why Astarion may disapprove of kind actions, but he mostly neither approves nor disapproves if Tav asks for payment. That’s just how the world works.

Once you venture out into act 2, after getting to know him a whole lot more, he starts to mellow a bit – if only towards Tav.

“He’s afraid, so afraid, of everyone but you, who she should fear the most.” – Sceleritas about Astarion

His approval is a lot easier to gain – or at least keep! – and he tends to approve of some more proper actions. He doesn’t throw a fit if you promise to find Mol, he approves of Tav being kind to His Majesty, of saving Aylin and he even approves of Durge apologising to Isobel after threatening to rip her to pieces.

He's slowly starting to open up, allowing Tav to see some parts of him he previously kept hidden. He accepts their offer to help, if hesitantly and, by god, the man starts experimenting with boundaries.

The social worker in me is shedding tears at this. It’s my favourite thing to see in my clients and it’s no different here. Yay to saying no!

Of course, it’s still a bit hit or miss. If Tav urges him to bite Araj, for example, he will only to later notice that he didn’t fucking have to. He recognises this on his own and he calls Tav out on it. Just like he calls them out on not helping him with his Orthon quest.

Good job, chap. Good fucking job.

And the growth-train won’t stop going even as we reach act 3.

In act 3, there’s not many things he disapproves as of right now – those he does, mostly have to do with how Tav treats him and not with anyone else. In fact, he’s more likely to approve good behaviour now, like giving Yenna food or money.

And yes, we need to consider that this could simply be because he gets used to Tav’s behaviour and just learns to roll with it. But it’s also highly likely that he notices that there’s truly good people around. At least one person. And that person is not only good, no, they’re in the process of helping him break free once and for all.

They’re helping him save himself.

By act 3, he has learned that he can absolutely say his piece where Tav is concerned and he’s more likely to disagree with them on certain things. It’s seen during a lot of small dialogue that he’s no longer terribly afraid to be honest with them, willing to listen and talk and he’ll ask for help if he needs it.

“I can do this. But I need your help.” – Act 3, Crypt

Something that can be viewed both positively and negatively is that he’s definitely loyal to a fault. He will stick by Tav’s side, no matter what.

“I really hoped we could avoid being pawns for a dark god, but here we are, I suppose. I’m with you, my dear, wherever this might lead.” – Act 3, After Jaheira confronts durge

As I said, this can be both positive and negative. On one count, it’s a recipe for disaster, seeing as he could be waltzing into a really bad situation for Tav alone.

But on the other side…this is a man who only cared about himself because that is the only person he could afford to care about. He needed to survive. He now has enough room to breathe and the capacity to care for someone else and I’d be inclined to count that as a good thing.

6. The Crypt

All the progress he made in act 2 and 3 is nearly tossed into the wind as soon as the crew enters Cazadors castle.

It’s not an immediate thing, of course.

At first, Astarion tries to stay light and simple and he hides behind flippant tones and relaxed faces. The way he recounts this is almost comically disinterested and the façade is actually quite good.

It’s start’s cracking after we meet Godie, one of the people who tortured him on more than one account, but he mostly manages to remain as upbeat as one can honestly expect for the first half of the journey.

All that, however, is done for the very moment we meet Sebastian. His mask not only slips, no, it full on shatters and there’s none of his apparent lightness left.

Which, of course it does.

The man is suddenly faced with years and years and years of victims. Innocent, unlucky people he lured back to his master over two centuries. People he liked, people he pitied.

“It’s sickening, seeing them again.”

It’s basically a room filled with guilt, exclusively for Astarion. And, as we mentioned before…Astarion is not great with guilt.

The guilt, however, is not where it ends.

No, he’s also faced with reflections of his own past. The spawn pose as reminders of what he did, sure, but also as reminders of what he was.

Weak, desperate, hungry.

There’s an abundance of images of his worst moments, reflected back at him in the thousands. It’s probably like staring into a funhouse mirror, but instead of seeing yourself in a funky way he just sees everything he so desperately doesn’t want to be.

“It should be [who I am]! I don’t want to be like them. They’re pathetic, horrible…”

He’s forcefully made aware of how darn weak he can be, which claws at all the wounds he’s barely had time to close. Something, he of course won’t admit if asked.

“THEY DO NOT [remind me of myself]. That weakness in me is dead, IT’S DEAD. I have a higher purpose.”

The high pressure of the moment brings out all of his act 1 traits in but a few moments. You can pretty much watch how he starts to shut down mid conversation, one of his old walls snapping back into place to remove himself from the situation.

Thing is though, walls usually become a bit brittle after disuse. Especially when talking to a person you don’t usually want to wall out.

Or, in his case, when talking to Tav.

After meeting Sebastian, Astarion shows extreme reactions to Tav nudging any of his weak spots. His reaction varies on whatever choice you make, but it ranges from aggression to defensiveness, to denial and even to downright begging Tav.

“Don’t hate me. I just did what I had to. I swear I did what I had to.”

This probably the most shocking out of all of them, since that is not something we got to witness before. The begging is likely a mixture of intense fear of losing Tav, his low self-esteem and pre-Tav behaviour, since we can assume that Cazador made him beg more than once.

Another old coat he puts back on would also be the least surprising of them all.

Manipulation.

He falls right back into it, using Tav’s affection to get what he want if we trigger the right action.

“If they die and I ascend, I won't have to rely on the parasite to walk in the sun. I'll be free. Truly completely free. Isn't that what you want?”

This, to me, was probably the biggest tell that Astarion was back in survival mode. He’s panicking, for fucks sake, and who can blame the guy? He’s back. He’s about to face down his abuser.

Of course he’s fucking panicking.

Panic leads to an increased craving for safety and, in his case, power. This is why he clings to Tav, why he begs them to love him still. And this is why he jumps head first into the rationalisation pool.

“I will need to sacrifice them all if I want to perform the ritual. - [You can save them.] – What’s the point? They're as good as dead! I thought they were dead. If they are unleashed, they will cause incredible carnage. […] They must die. Better they serve a purpose.”

Another textbook example.

They must die anyway. They’re basically dead. No need to save them now. They’re dangerous, I’m doing the right thing by sacrificing them. I already thought they were dead, so it’s not changing anything for me. They’re a lost cause and I deserve all this power. I deserve it, because I suffered and nothing will change if they die.

So, seeing as we already spoke about his usual behaviour in act 3 – behaviour he showed after we allowed him to breathe and be himself for a while – I think we can fairly easily conclude he’s not thinking straight.

Astarion is right back in survival mode, where all that matters is he himself. If it weren’t for the seven thousand spawns, he might have moved through this more gracefully, but seeing those tipped the scales and Astarion is absolutely losing it.

Remember that for the last section, per favore.

7. The Ascension

“Astarion wants to ascend and Tav manipulates him into doing what they want.”

That is basically the essence of what people often claim and I can’t help but shake my head at such a blatant disregard of everything he has become. This is completely ignoring the change and growth he has gone through over the course of their journey.

Astarion wants to be free. He wants to be safe. That does not mean he wants to ascend.

And the claim that Tav manipulates him into doing anything is even more baffling. We are all aware that Tav is not manipulative by nature, yes? That is entirely on you. You decide who your Tav is.

And then let’s remember: Astarion is panicked. He’s afraid and he’s not thinking straight. His abuser is on his knees before him and he still feels so weak. And there’s seven thousand spawns that need handling.

Astarion is very much not okay right now.

In fact, reading his thoughts just proves this theory.

“You can see the fear in his eyes but also the hunger. The thick smell of blood in the air and the promise of power being so close is intoxicating to him. All he can see is the power of the ritual and the freedom that power brings. The freedom to do anything. To be anything.”

Tav, however, has none of those problems. They can actually see beyond the current situation and they are fully aware what the consequences are. Astarion is not. As we previously established, Astarion is a doer. Not a thinker. He didn’t think this through, not at all.

The only thing Tav is doing – the persuasion roll – is reminding him of the very real consequences he is facing. The consequences he hasn’t thought about before.

"I know you think this will set you free, but it won't. This power will trap you, just like it trapped Cazador."

And that is the kindest thing Tav could do in this situation. They’re not bodily dragging him away from Cazador. They’re not even telling him to not do it. They’re just offering him the truth. He can do with that information whatever he desires.

“Astarion cries when he doesn’t ascend, that just shows that it was the wrong choice.”

A hare-brained point that I thankfully have only seen once so far.

That crying? That is healthy crying.

That is him, crumbling under the stress that suddenly dissipates. That is him mourning two hundred years of torment. That’s him letting out feelings he hasn’t been able to for centuries.

And, for the love of god, try to put yourself in his shoes.

Two hundred years of torment, ended in but a moment.

Astarion was abused and tortured for so long, afraid for so long only to see his tormentor die just like that.

Cazador died within a moment and all Astarion needed was a darn blade. Of course he fucking cries.

Seeing how pathetic a being the very core of your life’s misery actually is hurts. It hurts like hell because not only are you finally free – free! – no, you’re faced with the fact that this pile of nothing, the thing that’s bleeding out right in front of you…this was what tortured for so long.

This thing hurt you so much. That guy took everything from you, everything you once were, and broke it again and again and again over years.

You were so scared of this thing.

And yet he has the gall and the gumption to die just like that.

It was so easy.

And yet you suffered for so long.

8. Evil Playthrough?

An evil playthrough is really a different setting altogether.

All of this, as you can probably tell, is really only applicable on a good playthrough. Realistically speaking. I’m not sure how the game mechanics handle it.

On an evil path, Astarion never really gets to experience kindness and goodness. Evil Tav will just prove him right in his believe that the world is a vile and cold place, meaning that he realistically would be more inclined to actually want to ascend.

9. Final Conclusion

I think all of this should be enough to make it clear that no, ascended Astarion is not the best ending for the guy. In fact, it is probably the worst. Because it’s just him, running away. He’s running into a lonely and cold state of being, where cruelty and power lord over everything else and he’s running because he’s terrified of being hurt again. He’s running despite desperately wanting to stop running.

“I'll spend the rest of my life running watching the shadows, never feeling safe…no, this has to happen. Here and now.”

And, the worst part is: Nothing about Astarion is left after he ascends. Even his tone of speaking gradually changes, his theatrics fading. He’s slowly losing himself, until there’s nothing but an evil caricature left.

So, in the end, ascension will have proven him right.

That version of him is dead.

#baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate #baldurs gate #bg3 #astarion #the dark urge #tav #astarion romance #astarion ancunin #astarion and tav #bg3 act 1 #bg3 act 2 #bg3 act 3 #act 3 #act 2 #act 1 #araj oblodra

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chunghasweetie · 3 months

Note

Hello, I really love your writing. I want to submit a request. I will be really happy if you accept it.

I want a story about Jungkook being a student who is obsessed with his female professor. Who is also 10 years older than him. Smut part and the whole writing is up to you. But I would have liked if you add Jungkook having breeding kink and want to put babies in her so much.

Thank you in advance 💞

𝐂𝐑𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 | J.JK

— pairing | professor!oc x college student!jjk

— summary | jungkook decided to take his relationship with his professor a step further

— warning | bad writing (i’m doing my best)

unprotected sex, cursing, praising, adult dialogue, breeding kink, impregnation kink, professor student relationship, divorce, adult dialogue

— word count | 3.3k words

— song suggestion | connection — bangchan skz

Jungkook had originally been sent to college for one thing.

His business degree.

 Once he acquired his business degree he would be able to take over his father’s company, which would bring in a large sum of money once he graduated.

Although he was a business major, he still had to take some general classes.

Jungkook was once again waiting until her class ended.

His class with her was at 9am and it was almost 4pm.

He didn’t mind waiting at all. In fact, he enjoyed it.

Admiring how she explained so passionately about the subject she taught and how engaged she was with her students made his attraction even stronger to her.

Didn’t like how enthusiastic the male students were though. The constant gifts and attention they showered her with annoyed the shit out of him.

Ms. Young.

She was his professor in Ethnic Studies for the past semester, and his obsession with her grew with each lesson.

She was divorced. Married for a measly two years.

Her ex husband had cheated on her the second year of their marriage over and over. He had to fess up once his mistress became pregnant.

It hurt her deeply, causing her to move to a whole other country to cope with the separation.

And lucky for her, she happened to land right in Jungkook’s university.

Jungkook had been her healing. When they first began their situation, she hadn’t thought of her divorce a single time.

Made her wonder if she had even loved her ex at all.

It started from Jungkook staying after class and asking for homework help, to having her in his backseat begging for more.

Took a lot of convincing to them her there.

She seen him as so much younger. She was 10 almost 11 years older than him.

But after Jungkook’s irresistible siren like voice, she couldn’t resist him.

Jungkook was more than happy she went along, his endless stalking and time spent on her paying off.

He waited until the classroom was absolutely empty before he made his way inside. He shut the door behind him, a wide smirk on his face.

He noticed his professors head stuck up from her computer, eyes widening when she seen him.

“Hey.” His voice lingered in her ears. “Your last class took forever. So many guys like staying after class to look at you.” He grumbled.

“Don’t start. That’s not true.” She shook her head.

His eyebrow quirks as he chuckles, taking a seat on the edge of her desk, his eyes locked onto hers.

“Oh, it's not? Then, explain why half the guys in the class come in with flowers, or candy, or just looking at you up and down?”

“I’m a good professor?” The faulty expression was written all over her face.

“No, Ms. Young. It has nothing to do with how good you are as a professor. You're just...”

He pauses as he reaches out to brush a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Irresistible.” He breathed out. “So hard to let go of.”

She blushed.

“And I’m assuming they’re trying to do something for a better grade.” He chuckled. “But I already took that opportunity.”

“You didn’t even need me for that.” She rolled her eyes. “You had a perfect grade even before this.”

“Doesn’t that make you more attracted to me?” He smirked.

“Whatever.” She blushed. “They don’t use me for a grade. I think they genuinely need help.”

“You think that's what it is?” He laughs, his fingers trailing along her jawline.

“Those boys want nothing more than to fuck you, Ms. Young.“ He shook his head.

“Are you sure Jungkook beca—“

“Then why do they stare at your ass when you're bent over your desk, marking papers?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

He continued, “Why do they keep coming up with reasons to talk to you after class, even if it means missing and failing the rest of their classes?”

She swallowed.

She wasn’t able to brain storm a rational response or reasoning to their actions.

“Well I—“ She sighed, giving in. “I don’t know.”

“It’s because they want what’s mine.” Jungkook spat.

He leaned in, “But I can’t blame them. Look at you.”

“So annoying.” She mumbled, looking away.

“Mm, I know. And it's just going to get worse from here.” He teased.

“You know, you shouldn't be so cute.” He chuckles softly, “It's really fucking distracting.”

“How?”

He raises an eyebrow, his hands moving up her sides to rest on her shoulders.

“How? Well, you're always rolling your eyes and giggling at me. And it's cute. Too cute for someone who's supposed to be my old professor.”

“Old?!” Her eyes widened.

“Older.” He corrected himself, laughing.

“For someone who’s my student you make such inappropriate comments.” She rolled her eyes.

His smirk turns into a small grin and he shrugs, his hands never leaving her shoulders.

“What can I say? You bring out that sire of me. Not my fault.” He chuckles and leans in, placing a swift kiss on her lips “Tell me you don’t love it.”

“Whatever. And some sending me pictures of your thing when I’m trying to work!” She hit his chest.

He stared down at her with a smug look on his face. “Did you not enjoy them? Did you not send me shit back and tell your students you were going to the restroom?”

She swallowed, not saying anything in response.

“Uh huh. Right.” He pecked her lips.

“You drive me insane.”

He smirks and moves his hands back up to her waist, pulling her closer.

“That's the plan, ma'am.” He grins and leans in for another kiss, his tongue slipping past her lips to dance with hers.

She melted into his mouth, messily making out with him by her desk.

He groans and deepens the kiss, his hands roaming down to grab her ass and lift her up onto the desk.

He breaks the kiss only to tug at her shirt. He growls and starts trailing kisses down her neck and chest.

“J-Jungkook not here.” She shook her head. “I-I have an important meeting with my department in a bit.”

He pauses and looks up at her, his expression disappointed for a moment before he smirks.

She kept shaking her head no but her body kept telling her to go forward. She wanted him so bad.

“Fine, we'll make it quick then.” He continues to kiss down her body, attempting to take her clothes off.

“J-Jungkook!” She whined, “N-No put them back on— I’ll meet you tonight and we can do it I promise.”

He hesitates but then nods and starts getting dressed again. “Alright. But you owe me for this.”

“I know I know. I didn’t notice the time before.” She exhaled. “I’ll do whatever you want tonight. Promise.”

He finishes dressing and leans in for a quick kiss before making his way to the door. “I'll hold you to that promise. Because I have huge plans for you tonight.”

“Mm I’ll definitely be there then.” She chuckled before bidding goodbye to him.

He chuckles as he makes his way across campus, already counting down the hours until he can see her again.

Shortly after Jungkook exited her classroom, members of her department entered her classroom for the meeting.

༊—

After some time, she had finally arrived at his apartment right outside the campus. She used the key under the mat to open the door, shutting it behind her.

She had changed out of her work attire, and now wore something more casual.

She was in shorts and she wore one of Jungkook’s hoodies. Her hair was tucked into the hood and she had sunglasses over her.

It wasn’t the perfect disguise but she hadn’t got caught or noticed once.

Jungkook wasn’t the only student living in the complex, so she had to be careful.

He's in the living room when she enters, a grin spreading across his face as he sees her.

“Hey, Y/n.” He stands up and walks over to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a kiss.

“Mm I’m Y/n now?” She chuckled against his lips.

“Had to show my professor my respect on campus.” He smirked.

“Whatever.” She smiled, “What’re you up to?”

He smiles against her lips before pulling back a little. “Just waiting for you.”

He takes her hand and leads her over to the couch, sitting down and pulling her onto his lap. “I ordered a pizza. Didn’t want you to have to cook for me tonight.”

“Awe.” She pouted. “I like cooking for you.”

“You worked so hard today and I wanted you to relax.” He replied.

“How is it that you’re so much younger than me but take care of me better than someone my age?” She laughed.

He grins and kisses her neck. “I just have a way with taking care of women. And you deserve to be cherished, Y/n.” He looks up at her.

“So I’m one of many?” She folded her arms.

His grin falters for a moment before he laughs.

“No, no. You're the only woman I've been with. I swear.” He looks up at her with a genuine expression. “You're the only person who's ever made me want to be better.”

“Really?”

He nods, looking at her with a sincere expression. “Yeah. I've never met anyone like you before, Y/n.”

He runs his hand through her hair. “You're different from any other woman I've ever met. And I mean that in the best way possible.”

“I’m nothing like him.” He continued. “I’m a real man. He was a fucking boy. A man child who couldn’t even hold onto a damn good woman.”

She couldn’t believe how this college kid had her wrapped around his finger.

How she felt on top of the world when she was with him.

“Oh Jungkook.” Her heart swelled at his words.

He smiles and kisses her forehead. “I'm so in love with you Y/n.” He wraps his arms around her waist.

“I never want you to doubt how much you mean to me.” He looks at her with intensity in his eyes. “You're my everything.”

“You’re so amazing Jungkook.” She held eye contact with him.

“I’m so in love with you too.” She pecked his lips.

He grins and wraps his arms around her waist. He leans in and kisses her back hungrily. “All mine.”

He got her right where he wanted her.

“I know I am” she mumbled against his lips.

He chuckles and bites her lip gently. “You're so fucking pretty, Y/n”

He groans and kisses her neck. “I need you now. I thought I could wait but fuck— I can’t.”

He starts to slip his hoodie off her and over her head, tossing it to the side. “I want to see all of you— I need to.”

“Jungkook the pizza—“

He leans in to kiss her again. “But fuck, I want you more than I want food right now. I want you more than anything.”

He trails his kisses down her neck and to her collarbone. “So fucking pretty. Put on more perfume on for me hm?”

She nodded.

He stopped himself. “Fuck— where are my manners? Let’s go to my room.”

“Now you’re a gentleman? What about when we did it in your car, my car, your counter, my classroom, your table, my table— Should I continue?”

“That’s just different.” He smirks and bites her earlobe. “You remember every fuck huh? Lets me know I’m putting it down right.”

He nips at her neck again and lifts her up in his arms. He carries her to the bedroom and lays her down on the bed.

His room was simple. Bed in the corner and gaming chair and set up was in the corner.

His dresser, bed frame, and nightstand all correlated in color and design. Few posters up.

His room was cute. Much more decorated than any other man would have.

Jungkook smirks and starts to undress himself. “You like what you see?” He asks with a playful grin.

“Because I fuckin' love what I see.” He climbs onto the bed and crawls over to her.

She continued to make out with him, letting him speak between kisses.

He groans and deepens the kiss, his hands roaming over her body. “I'm the only one who gets to touch you like this.”

He whispers against her lips. “The only one you should ever want. Ever. I’m all you never need.”

“And I’m going to make sure of that today.” He tugged on her hair.

She made out with him heavily, moaning at the words he spoke with her.

He grinds against her, his hands gripping her hips. “Gonna fill you up.”

He whispers in her ear. “Gonna make you carry my baby, so everyone knows you're mine.”

“Wanted this for so long.” He kisses her neck and shoulder, leaving hickeys behind.

“I-I—“ She could hardly speak, his dirty words making her feel like she was burning.

He smirks against her skin, his hand sliding under her shirt.

“You like that idea, don't you?” He kneads her breast gently. “Hearing me talk about that. Gets you going doesn’t it baby?”

“Gonna do what he didn’t.” He leans down and sucks on her nipple through her bra, his other hand still holding her hip. “I’ll be the perfect man for you Y/n.”

She whined at the sensitivity, panties growing damper with each word.

She was too choked up to say anything, too overwhelmed by pleasure to form a proper response.

He felt her wetness and grinned, pulling back slightly.

“Gonna fuck you good baby.” He whispers in her ear again. “You’re going to take it? Want my baby in you?”

She nodded quickly.

Jungkook shakes his head. “Words.”

“Yes Jungkook.” She nodded, “Please.”

He looks into her eyes, his expression neutral. “I will do whatever it takes to make you mine.”

He leans in and kisses her deeply, his tongue invading her mouth. He reaches for her shorts pulling them off and sliding his fingers inside of her panties.

He felt how wet she was and his cock twitches in his pants.

“Fuck, Y/n.” He rubs her clit, making her moan into their kiss.

He starts to fuck her with his fingers, pumping them in and out of her sopping wet pussy. “So wet for me. My pretty girl.”

She kept repeating pleas and moans into his ears, pathetically begging for more.

He hears her moans and his cock twitches in his pants. He starts to thrust his fingers harder and faster, making her moan even louder.

He kisses her neck, sucking on her skin. “So reactive. I fucking love it.”

“D-Don’t wanna cum yet” She whined, legs trembling. “wanna cum on your cock…”

His cock is throbbing in his pants, pre-cum leaking from the tip. He groans and pulls his fingers out of her pussy, making her whine at the retraction.

He immediately spoke, “I know, baby.” He unbuckles his pants and slipped his cock out. “I’ll fix you in a second Y/n.”

“Please,” She swallowed, “Fill me up with your baby.”

He groans at her words, his cock twitching. Her eagerness made him even more excited.

“Yes ma’am.” He starts to stroke his cock, pre-cum leaking from the tip. “I'm gonna fill you up with my cum and make a baby in that beautiful pussy. Anything for you Y/n.”

“Fuck” She cussed, “Fucking hurry then.”

He grins at her words and quickly positions himself at her entrance. He thrusts in hard, making her moan loudly.

“Shit Y/n.” He starts to pound into her, making the bed shake. “Fucking tight.”

“Y-You’re just too fucking big” she hissed.

She eased up to him, that stretch turning into pure pleasure. “But— so fucking good.”

“Good. We’re gonna do this over and over until you’re pregnant.” He groans and starts to fuck her harder, making the headboard slam against the wall. “No more shitty condoms. I’m filling you up every fucking night.”

He leans down and kisses her neck, sucking on her skin. “I know it feels good, baby.” He reaches down and starts to rub her clit with his thumb. “You’re so pretty like this.”

She was a loud mess. Jungkook knew she would be. With the sounds of her moans, his grunts, and the headboard she knew there would be complaints.

“Jungkook your neighbors!” She hissed.

“Alright.” He smirks and pulls out of her, flipping her over face down ass up. He enters her from behind, making her moan loudly. “Much better hm?”

She nodded into his pillow. He smacks her ass and starts to pound into her again, his balls slapping against her thighs.

“So good! So good Jungkook!” She screamed into the pillow, the sounds of their combined wetness echoing throughout his room.

He grins and starts to fuck her even harder, pulling on her hair as he pounds into her.

“That's right, baby. Take it.” He smacks her ass again and leans down to whisper in her ear. “Whose dick does you better baby?”

“You! You Jungkook!” She moaned. “So much better— you already know.”

He laughs and keeps fucking her, gripping her hips as he slams into her. “Of course it is. You're mine, aren't you? I just fucking love hearing it while I’m fucking on you.”

He leans down and bites her shoulder, making her moan loudly. “Who else can make you scream like this, baby? He never made you really cum huh Y/n?”

She shook her head. “No— Never!”

“He never fucked a baby into you either. Saved all the good shit for me.” He grins and pulls out of her, flipping her over onto her back again.

He spreads her legs and enters her again, making her moan loudly as he starts thrusting into her. “I'm the only man who’ll have you like this.”

“Having you swollen with a baby for the rest of the semester. Gonna marry you and buy you a big ol’ house when I graduate. I’ll be your happily ever after.” He laughs and leans down to kiss her, biting her lip as he pulls back.

“Fuck Jungkook.” She whined. “Please— Want it all so bad.”

“Tell me Ms. Young,” He began. “Does that make me your favorite student now?”

“I-I-“

“Tell me Ms. Young.” He taunted.

“Only one— My favorite student.” She whined. “No one else like you.”

He laughs and leans down to kiss her, biting her lip as he pulls back. “That's what I fucking thought.”

He starts fucking her harder, making the bed creak beneath them.

“You’re gonna fucking break the bed” She bit her lip.

He laughs and grips the headboard, slamming into her harder as he grunts with each thrust.

“I don't give a fuck. Won’t stop fucking you like this until this shits broken.” He groaned.

“Fucking fill me up” Her eyes rolled back. “Want to have your baby so bad.”

He grins at her dirty talk and obeys her command, fucking her harder and faster.

“Fuck, you want my cum so bad?” He reaches down and starts rubbing her clit, making her moan even louder.

“I’ll fucking give that shit to you. I’ll give you everything I got in me.” He breathed out.

Her legs shook, back arching until she came all over his cock, her liquid heat spilling out of her.

“Shit!” He curses and slams into her one last time, releasing his cum deep inside of her.

He overfilled her, his cum spilling out all over. “Fuck Y/n.” He pants as he collapses on top of her.

The two panted on top of one another, trying to catch their breaths from the intense baby making session.

Once he caught his breath, he rolls off her and pulls her into his arms, nuzzling her neck.

He looks at her with a satisfied smirk. That was fucking amazing, ma'am. “I don't think I've ever cum that hard in my life.”

“Me either.” She shook her head. “My legs are still twitching.”

He laughs and kisses her forehead. “You okay, baby?”

“More than okay.” She laughed. “I’m feeling amazing.”

“Good.” He licked his lips. “Because I said we aren’t stopping until I know you’re having that baby.”

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wwinterwitch · 10 months

Text

cowboy like me — coriolanus snow

summary: it takes one to know one. you and him were exactly alike, which explains why you were inevitably drawn to each other

pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader

word count: 2k

tags: you can't fix him you're as awful as him, being delusional together, fluff??? (not really but u guys are in love and happy and married), mentions of/implied murder and being bad people, romanticizing everything

notes: idk where i was going with this i just had this idea in my head and taylor inspired me to write it. i'm also absolutely feral for young!snow it's not even funny at this point, i needed to find ways to cope lmao

i'd really appreciate a comment or reblog if you enjoy my work.

masterlists | read on ao3

A smile appears on your face the second you feel a hand on your lower back, turning around to meet your husband's loving gaze.

He stands directly in front of you, staring down at you in a way that to this day makes you feel butterflies in your stomach, like you're nothing but a teenage girl who's unlucky enough to have developed a blinding crush on a guy too charming for his own good— the thought of it makes you feel almost nostalgic, looking back at the early stages of your relationship.

Coriolanus Snow has always been a familiar face. Growing up together, you two have known each other for ages. You might've interacted a few times, but nothing beyond brief conversations between classmates.

You had a boyfriend at the time. A much too sweet and caring guy that made the big mistake of falling irrevocably in love with you. In all fairness, it was hard for him not to trail behind you like a lost puppy all the time when you were so good at making foolish boys believe you were the girl of their dreams.

Love is not a word you would use to describe your relationship. He was tolerable and clearly obsessed with you, so it made sense for you to stay with him. He learned with time that buying you very expensive gifts would get you to pay more attention to him, so that became his way of showing his affection for you.

In his mind this was perfectly reasonable. His girl likes being spoiled, so that's exactly what he did. The adoration for you blinded him enough to ignore the truth: you're just sticking around for the money. Some people warned him you were bad news, but you always managed to find a way to make him worship you all over again. Maybe you could've felt sorry for him at some point...if only he didn't have such good taste to pick things out for you.

But then Coriolanus happened. You started to notice him more and more until you inevitably started having feelings for him. How could you not fall for a guy like him? Especially after he started his quick ascend as one of the best Game makers in history.

Maybe it was the way he so fervently claimed his interest in you, willing to pursue you even when your boyfriend was still in the picture. Or perhaps it had to do with his growing popularity and power. After all, you can't deny how attracted you are to guys with ambition.

And Coriolanus is not exactly sure what made him fall for you either. There's many things he loves about you, that's for sure, but he can't say which came first. Was it your captivating beauty and intelligence, or the news that you recently became the only heir to one of the wealthiest families in the Capitol?

Whatever force pulled the two of you together, it really doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that he loves you with every fiber of his being, willing to do whatever is in his power to make sure you're happy (and what isn't, he'll do anything to get). And you love him too, of course, offering him a companionship he always craved— undying fidelity, the purest honesty and understanding.

You've never once judged him for being who he is. If anything, you seem to admire his strength to do whatever it takes to secure his place in society. No one has ever been this loving and accepting, almost encouraging him to be as determined as ever to get the two of you on top.

Whatever he did or didn't do is already in the past. Why should the past matter? Shouldn't you enjoy the present with your loving and successful husband? Be proud of the work the two of you have done to get where you are?

No, the past is gone. It already happened. There’s no need to look back at things you can't change and decisions you can't take back. It all brought you here. Every tiny little decision led the two of you to this moment; married, in love, happy, powerful. It was meant to be like this.

He didn't seem to mind about your own past either. Any other person would've judged you for the difficult decisions you had to make in order to become the wealthiest woman in all of Panem. You've seen it in the face of ex friends and lovers. They never understood your hunger for what you so rightfully deserve.

Good things don't happen to people because they're good. They happen because you make them happen. You fight, you take, you conquer. It's what life is, and it's something you and Coriolanus understand perfectly. That's why the two of you make sense. Why it feels so right to be together. You understand him and he understands you— understands you like no one else has in your entire life.

It was him the one who held you that night when you just couldn't hold it in anymore, and he sat with you while you cried and cried about your beloved sister, because even after all those years you still missed her and wished things could've been different.

If only your parents made it easier for you. They shouldn't have played favorites from the moment you were born. And they really shouldn't mess with something as important as inheritance. It's your goddamn birthright! How could they be so cruel to you? If they corner you against the wall with no apparent way to escape, it was a matter of time before you decided to stand your ground.

It's a shame your poor sister had to suffer the consequences, though. You really do love her...

Coriolanus couldn't judge you even if he tried. He could see himself in your tear-filled eyes and hear his own inconsolable sobs through your voice. It took him back to a particularly difficult point in his life where he had to make a similar choice.

He pours his heart out to you as he holds you tight against his body, revealing all the unfortunate things he was forced to do because it's all that was left. An act-or-die situation that kept repeating itself until he had no other choice but to do the unspeakable. What else was he supposed to do? What else were you supposed to do?

The regret in his voice is evident, and you know he does regret it because he’s a good person with a heart of gold. One of the best people you’ve ever met in your life. He’s good, and brave, and passionate…enough to sacrifice what he loves if the circumstances require that of him. Not many people have the privilege to claim to be as great as him.

"You did what you had to," your voice came out in a soft whisper, still affected by your sudden outburst with the thought of your sister engraved deep inside your brain. At the time you thought you were trying to ease his conscience, but maybe your statement was falling from your lips in a weak attempt to ease your own inner conflict too. "Life has been so unfair to us, Coriolanus. Is it too bad that we want just a little bit of peace?"

He stays quiet for a bit, stroking your hair in hopes to bring you some comfort as he processes your hopeless, pain-filled statement. That's probably the hardest thing about loving you; caring so much that he cannot possibly function if he knows you're hurting, and cursing himself for not being able to take that pain away.

"We'll have peace," he eventually assures you. His voice is soft, yet fiercely determined. There's no room for discussion. He'll make it happen for the two of you. What's a few more difficult choices when he's so far gone now? When he knows it has worked perfectly before and it made all his dreams come true?

In that moment, snuggled up to his chest with his arms tightly wrapped around you, it was clear. That sense of familiarity you only get when you look back in the mirror, or when you quickly scan a room when someone speaks your name. He has suffered as much as you. He knows what it's like to be mistreated in life, and how difficult it is sometimes to live with the fact that you had to leave people behind to finally taste a drop of happiness.

The guilt comes and goes. Sometimes it's easier to remember you had no choice, but other times all you can think about is what life could've been if you weren't forced to take such drastic measures. Perhaps now that you have someone who truly understands, you'll learn to always remember you deserve all you managed to achieve.

When you move back from him to look up into his welcoming and comforting blue eyes, you knew you'd never be alone again. You'll never get to experience this free-fall, soul-consuming feeling with anyone else. And why would you even want to waste your time like that, when you already found the one person who sees the world exactly like you do?

A love like this is hard to find. Most people spend a lifetime trying to find a love decent enough to make them feel like they're losing their minds. Like the air is missing from their lungs and everything looks much darker when the other is not around. Like they're willing to do anything to make the other happy. Like the fear of being consumed entirely by it is the sweetest of fates.

You thought you could only experience affection in the form of luxurious jewelry, fancy clothing and all that came with the important status your ex boyfriend provided. At one point, you could say you almost needed him. Or least needed his money. He provided a safety net you desperately needed after your stupid parents decided to leave everything to your annoyingly perfect sister.

After becoming the only heir in your family (it really is a shame that your sister was gone so soon, poor thing), your boyfriend was no longer a necessity, but a way of distracting yourself when you needed it. It's not like you're going to refuse his gifts and attention anytime soon, right?

But that was it. The furthest it can get to what being in love should look like. And that was what your relationship with Coriolanus should have been when you decided to make your way into his heart. Never in a million years would you have expected to meet a soul that matches yours in even the tiniest of details, that loves so deeply and cares enough to act like it's required to survive.

With his arms still surrounding your body in a protective and comforting manner, you knew he’d be the guy you’d spend the rest of your life with. You knew it long before the day he got down on one knee, professing his undying love for you and offering the most beautiful engagement ring you have ever seen in your life. You pledged to always be there for him and, in return, he vowed to give you the world— he'd find a way to reach the night sky and collect every single star for you if that's what you ask of him. You kept each other's deepest secrets like they were your own. Two smart and ambitious people joining together in their search for greatness.

The hand on your lower back now rests against your cheek, tracing your skin in such a delicate manner that it almost makes you shiver. The white rose attached to his impeccable burgundy suit is slightly tilted to the right, fixing it with your hands as soon as your eyes notice that detail.

He smiles wider after your gesture, leaning down to capture your lips in an affectionate kiss to show his gratitude. You wish the moment could last longer, but you know it's impossible to stay behind these walls for longer when there's a loud crowd out there chanting your husband's name.

There's the briefest of interactions when he breaks the kiss, the two of you standing in front of each other with a smile of pure conspiracy— a silent recognition of the work individually done to get here, an unspoken ‘thank you’ to one another for the team effort, and the promise of a never-ending companionship that would only take you higher.

He grabs your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours before finally stepping outside to the marble balcony. Before you, a sea of people cheer and welcome the new President and First Lady of Panem.

#coriolanus snow #coriolanus x reader #coriolanus snow x reader #the hunger games #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #the hunger games the ballad of songbirds & snakes

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tarysande · 2 years

Text

ADHD

I had ADHD for over thirty years before it was diagnosed, and part of the reason why it took so long is because a few specific things absolutely did not resonate with me. At all. And I saw them listed as "symptoms" of ADHD ALL THE TIME.

So, I thought I'd write up a quick list in case it helps someone else out there see past the stereotypes that are too often used as diagnostics.

ADHDers struggle with reading/words/speech etc.

ADHDers have a history of poor grades or attention at school.

ADHDers have a history of drug and/or alcohol abuse.

ADHDers can't sit still.

And how did I differ?

I read constantly. In fact, one might say I HYPERFOCUS on reading. I would rather read information than listen to it. (Reason #1 that I just can't get into podcasts!) The problem has never been reading--it's stopping reading. I'm a professional writer and editor with a background in acting. Words have never been a problem. Do some ADHDers struggle with words? Hell, yeah. Do ALL ADHDers struggle with words? Nope. Not even close. (PS: A lot of ADHDers who struggle with words may actually also have other learning struggles, such as dyslexia. ADHD loooooves a comorbidity!)

This is still SUCH a persistent myth. Even the psychologist who diagnosed me was hesitant because I had stellar grades all through my education. The more research they do, however, the more they realize that other things (autism, giftedness, etc.) can actually mask or mitigate the "typical" symptoms of ADHD that lead to it being diagnosed at school. And if you're an ADHDer who, say, hyperfocuses on learning (because it's cool! and you learn new things all the time!), or who has developed extremely effective coping mechanisms (perfectionism, people-pleasing, etc.), or who deliberately sticks to "safe" subjects to avoid challenge and possible failure, grades are NOT a good measure of ADHD. (Look into what it means to be "twice exceptional"--you may find a list of traits that resonates a lot more!)

ADHDers are out there looking for anything that'll give them a dopamine hit. Boredom is deadly. And the mix of novelty-seeking and low inhibition can often result in risky behavior. However, this can manifest in many, many ways. Drugs, alcohol, sexual partners? None of that was relevant to me. Spending, however? Especially spending money I didn't have on things I didn't need just to feel that itty bitty thrill of OOH SOMETHING NEW! ... yeah, that was a real problem. But not one I usually saw on those symptom lists, even though ADHD+finances can result in HUGE and life-altering problems.

Even bearing in mind that there are different presentations of ADHD--and that inattentive is one of them--ADHD does NOT always present as physical restlessness. Often, mental restlessness--racing thoughts, daydreaming, distractability, inability to "turn off your brain" to get enough sleep--slips through the diagnostic cracks and can be FAR more disruptive to one's health and happiness. And, again, many ADHDers develop coping mechanisms that can end up being very unhealthy or unsustainable in the long term. (I keep my ADHD in my thumb, for example. I can be perfectly still for a long, long time. However, my right thumb fidgets almost constantly. It's weird. Now that I've noticed it, I can't unsee it.)

I guess what I'm saying is ... nothing is set in stone where ADHD is concerned, so don't be afraid to dig deeper, especially if some aspects hit hard. Exploration is a good thing. Questioning is a good thing.

#adhd #adhd things #tara talks adhd #brains are weird #and they're all different #long text post

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aceandurmom · 2 months

Text

Harlequin Hearts: The Archivist's Swordsmaster Affair Chapter Three

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ONLY ON TUMBLR UNDER ACEANDURMOM//////////////////

TRIGGER WARNING: Toxic Relationship (not Mihawk), Morally Grey Reader

Finally calm from your earlier meltdown, you thought it better to explain from the beginning.

Mihawk’s gaze was smothering, your chest feeling as if it was closing in on itself. There was nothing compared to how you felt now, like you had to spill every secret you had to the man so that he knew. You didn’t know how to feel about that, other than knowing that right now…you felt safe. To tell him everything was the only option you had at this moment, even if Crocodile and Buggy were present.

Not even Buggy knew the entire story, just the extent of Arlong’s…orders.

Buggy looked up, also wanting to know what you were to say. He knew that not every detail was told, and he had been fine with that. He had no authority to tell you to spill every secret you carried, and as your Captain he had allowed that.

But now he was your Brother.

Now he wanted to protect you from even your thoughts that he knew still plagued you.

It looked as if you were aware of this now, on the verge of opening your heart and soul to those in the room.

To say Crocodile was a close friend was a stretch…but he had grown on you. The perpetually angry man had a kind heart, underneath many, many, many layers he had built over the years to protect himself. He had opened up a little, the two of you coping with stress by- unhealthily- drinking them away. Sipping whiskey and wine, stolen from Miahwk, and joking in the conference room was enlightening to say the least. You had managed to start to enjoy his presence, genuine excitement at the idea of getting to spend time with him after Buggy and Mihawk left.

It was fun.

So, changing a glance to the towering man, you awkwardly smiled. Accidentally choking on his spit, Crocodile laughed at the facial expression. He turned and closed the door, assuring that no one else could hear what you were about to explain.

“So, where should I start?”

“Do you care to explain your relationship with the Strawht’s Navigator?”

It had been Crocodile to start up the conversation. Sensing the unease and trying to- gently- push you to begin.

You blushed.

A response none of them had expected. Nervously giggling, your fingers started to twist at the strands of hair at your nape. Looking off to the side, you tried to think of the best way to explain.

“Nami and I were…closer than you might think. We were the only humans on a crew full of fishmen who were desperate to put humans in ‘their place.”

Fingers insinuating the absolute bullshit that was being referenced.

“She…she was always there for me when Arlong was at his worst. When he was the angriest, Nami was there to soften the blows afterwards. She would bandage me with the softest touch. And sometimes…”

Well, most of the time after the worst had passed, the two of you…would spend the night in each other’s arms. The ginger and you had a complicated relationship,best friends often bordering on more.

Crocodile picked up on your fidgeting, coughing into his fist to bring you back.

“Right, well, Nami was the only one who was on my side. She was my savior.”

Buggy butt in.

“She sure as hell didn’t act like it.”

Face falling, you smiled, solemn.

“You have to remember, she was just as much a prisoner as me, maybe even more so. He had her entire village under his thumb, threatening their lives. If she worked for him and made money on the side, he promised she could buy it back….but he lied.”

“As much as I feel bad for her, I am not concerned for that woman at the minute.”

Mihawk stated, not at all listening to the details concerning the woman. You were priority right now.

Buggy glared, trying to look through Mihawk and try to get him to back off. He wanted you to take your time, not feel pressured and rush through.

But the words Mihawk had said had made you flush harder, trying to laugh it off the best you could.

“Well, what exactly did you want to know? Specifically?”

“What did he do to you.”

It felt like the air was sucked from the room, struggling to breathe in as deep as you should. Crocodile groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

Coming forward, the large man sat down beside you instead. Leaning back, Crocodile placed a hand on your shoulder.

“Straight to the point, Hawkeyes.”

He looked at Crocodile like he was stupid, not at all pleased at the interruption.

“Forgive me if I sounded insensitive, I simply want to know who I need to kill. And how long I should prolong his death.”

Buggy relaxed, shoulders falling.

“I guess that’s fine, then. I have to admit, I’m eager to know what all happened. You’ve never told me what all he put you through.”

You grimaced, understanding what they were asking and why, but not really the happiest about it.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Face darkening, you grew frustrated.

“What, you want me to describe every time he put his hands on me, ordered me, pushed me around, touched me when I didn’t want him to!? I don’t know who you all think you are, but that past is in the past, he’s supposed to be dead anyways. Gone.”

“What do you mean he put his hands on you? He was your captain, was he not!?”

Buggy was outraged. Granted, he had a guess that he had hit maybe once, but to hear you say it into existence was damning. He thought it may have been a one time thing, maybe even just making you work nonstop (that in itself was also abusive to be fair). The bluenette sobered from his rage, trying to calm himself to comprehend the words coming from you.

Mihawk wasn’t really thrilled either, frown still in place. But he tried to let you talk it out before interrupting too too much.

Without meaning to, you fell back on your time under Arlong.

–

It had been ages before Arlong showed back up. Not wanting to show his face to you just yet, letting you simmer in your rage and fear towards him. He had forced you to make a contract for a man who had wronged him. You didn’t know the whole story, but it had made you uncomfortable either way. You had told him so, not ever going through with something like this before.

He had dragged you by the hair to another room before bringing in the man. Throwing you into the barren room, you fell to the floor. Gasping in surprise, you were shocked. He had never been so rough before, always maintaining a kinder attitude in front of everyone. But to have him standing so angrily over you was intimidating to say the least. His teeth bared, he snarled at you.

“You will do as told! I don’t care about your puny human morals, you will do as I say! If I tell you to lick the fucking floor you’ll do it! If I tell you to kill yourself, you’ll do it!”

Tearing up, you tried to remain strong in front of him. Not wanting to look weak to him.

You wanted him to think highly of you, to need you so that he wouldn’t get rid of you. To feel needed. To feel wanted.

Despite your own morals screaming back at you, you sucked it up and nodded.

“Yes, sir, of course. I’m sorry I spoke to you like that, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

He backed up, grinning once again.

Lowering himself to your height, he reached a hand out to you.

Webbed hand resting on your head, he caressed the side of your face, thumb passing circles on your cheek.

“Such a good little thing. Always listening so well. So sweet and respectful. You’ll stay won’t you, never leave?”

You looked back at him, eager to please.

“Of course, sir. I have no plans saying otherwise.”

Arlong hummed in thought, continuing to give you the attention he knew you craved. You were so transparent about your wants.

The force he threw you down with had busted the back of your head. Blood seeping from behind your hair and onto your skin. Arlong had noticed, swiping some of it away. Humming, he pondered how to push you further in the future.

Hand coming back to his face, he licked it away. Groaning, the shark looked up at you.

“So sweet…”

“Come. You have a job to finish, little minnow.”

–

And you had done so.

Again and again you were pushed past your limits. And again and again you caved to his whims.

Tears falling, you tried to wipe them away before the trio of men noticed. Trying to ignore your weeping, they all struggled with trying to let you have a moment.

But Mihawk wasn’t okay with letting you stew in your sorrows much longer. He reached up, trying to cup your face.

It was too similar to Arlong, the motion almost exactly the same.

Flinching back, you did your best to restrain the yelp in your throat.

Brows furrowed, he stopped. Slowly lowering his arm to study you further.

“What are you not telling us?”

“Arlong was a cruel man, he always had been. But…I wanted to be useful. You have to understand, no one had ever needed me before. Arlong wanted me!”

Hand clutching your chest, you tried to explain.

“But there were times he pushed me to the limit, more often than not passed them. When my own values were in the way of my work he made sure I ignored them. No matter what he had to do in order for that to happen.”

Buggy finally made his way beside you, body sitting right next to yours. He pushed his side as close as to yours as he could, trying to comfort you just by being present. You had known Buggy long enough to be confident he would never hurt you, despite the facade he constantly put on for others. Leaning your head on his shoulder, you allowed yourself to close your eyes.

Crocodile broke the pause.

“What did he do, you’ve been deflecting.”

Scoffing, you nustled deeper into the Clown.

“Sorry, but I’m not really fond of speaking about these topics.”

Plucking a cigar from the dozens on his person, he lit the smoke. Breathing in, the man attempted to calm his irritation. He understood, he was only growing frustrated at the lack of progress being made. They had been here for half an hour now. They could be making progress in other subjects.

“I get that, I do. I’m just…annoyed.”

Not needing a response as you empathized with him, you opened up your eyes once again.

“Well, I’ll make this quick then. Arlong did more than simply put his hands on me. He beat me until I was black and blue, unrecognizable until I conceded. When I did, he flipped his persona. Turning kind and offering me a shoulder to lean on. He would hold me and play with my hair, and speak so softly, encouragement and praise alike. It would go farther some nights, when I exceeded his expectations that day. I tried to keep him away from Nami the best I could by doing so, but the days grew longer.”

Crocodile huffed before stubbing out his cigar. He had needed it for only a brief second before the annoyance burned away into resentment. He looked to Mihawk who had started to seethe below you.

Eyes alight with pure fury, he tried to placate himself.

Only to face back up to be met with you leaning entirely on Buggy. Eyes once again closed, except you seemed to be holding back tears once again.

It was odd seeing you cry so much. Never had he assumed he would ever see you in such a state, but the vulnerability you were allowing yourself to show was admirable. He admired you letting them see this side of you, not just the stern and hardworking face you usually presented. To have the honor of witnessing you was making him realize how much he looked up to you and your ability to emote so freely.

Mihawk was utterly enraptured with you. But you being in the state you were for him to realize such a thing was shameful.

You pulled yourself together, pushing the intruding thinking to the side. No longer focusing on the past, you sat up. Back straight, you stood. Buggy had tried to stop you, wanting you to stay where you were. Protected by him and the others that had surrounded you.

Instead, you gently pushed him away.

Standing up completely, you leaned down into Mihawk’s face. Avoiding his questioning gaze, you dipped your hand into his coat. Fishing out the previously forgotten blade, you pointed out the symbol.

“This is Arlong’s Jolly Roger, but the more I look at it, the more I see the inconsistencies. Arlong would never have let someone defile his symbol by carving it in such a crude manner. So the idea that Arlong himself is behind this is gone.”

“Then why such a big reaction over a dead man?”

Crocodile grumbled.

Snapping a glare back at him, you growled.

“Just because the man is dead doesn’t mean the memories aren’t. Dumbass.”

Buggy’s eyes widened, mouth forming words but never coming out.

Crocodile only looked away, not too bothered by your mouth at this point. He had become endeared to you due to your honesty, not familiar with the way you spoke to him. It had been a long time since someone spoke to him so easily. It was pleasant, so he did not admonish you.

Grunting, he waved an apology at his previous words.

“Fine, fine. So what were you thinking.”

“That someone on Karai Bari knows of my previous affiliation. A fact I hide to my chest closer than I do other darker secrets surprisingly enough.”

“You have other secrets more intense than this one? How interesting, little Plover.”

Scoffing, you ignored the warmth of being acknowledged.

“Yes, but being under Arlong for so long is my least favorite. To have someone know it is not ideal. The crew is from East Blue or need I remind you? And that man caused more harm than good, there are many of my nakama that have been personally wronged by him.”

“I do not see what that has to do with you.”

“The fact I was with him at all is punishable enough, Hawkeyes.”

Buggy groaned, throwing himself back onto his bed. Hands coming to cover his eyes, he tried to come up with a name that he thought might do something like this.

“So someone on your crew is actively threatening you with information. Sounds like grounds enough to kill the bastard. We can’t have our useful little Archivist being blackmailed under our watch, can we?”

Crocodile stood, done with the conversation. He approached you and laid his lone hand on your head. Lightly ruffling your hair he gave you a small smile.

“Especially one so practical and consistent.”

Leaving the room, Crocodile looked back at you one more time. Frown settling back on his face, he shot one last glare at the other two men.

“We nip it in a bud immediately. Nor will anyone else hear of it.”

Mihawk agreed with him, but refused to let his coworker know it. Buggy had confirmed it out loud, not shying away from letting the crocodilian know he thought so.

Stretching out your arms, you tried to crush the growing affection budding. You enjoyed being around them, feeling safe here.

–

Days passed and the three had been busy. There hadn’t been a meeting since the blade had been found on your carpet.

You had been busy as well, reading through all the crew records Buggy had you compile over the years. Everytime someone had caught his attention, he had you run a check on their past or criminal records. He had only a few requirements that you had to look for explicitly.

No Marines or Former Marines. Even if ‘reformed’

No Sexual Deviance

No Domestic Violence Charges

And that was about it. Granted, of course, there were a few more limits the man had. Buggy would make the final decision once he met them. He had Observation Haki that rivaled the best, could sense anyone and bend his own Will in ways you had never heard of.

Today, you were in the Records room again. You had left to get food before promptly returning. Scanning through paper after paper, you kept on coming up empty handed. You were growing more frustrated as the time continued to pass.

There had been a knock on the door, more a courtesy than anything else. There were only a few people in the area that even knew about the room. So, you turned to the entrance expecting your captain or maybe even Mihawk or Crocodile. Before you could open your mouth to greet one of them, you were stopped.

You were, truthfully, fed up by the amount of times you had been caught off guard. You had been off your game the longer you felt safe.

It was a good thing you felt uncomfortable once meeting the eyes of the stranger entering into your room.

“Who the fuck are you?”

The woman scowled, teeth bared in pure hate in your direction.

“You have some nerve pretending to be a good person after everything you’ve done.”

Her voice was wavering despite the threatening facade she was trying to put forth.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You know damn well what I speak of. Being Arlong’s little whore and doing WHATEVER he asked without even blinking.”

“...who knows what I did and didn’t do while being under Arlong. I know for damn sure I killed or hurt no one. So whatever you assume I’ve done, you are incorrect.”

“So you didn’t force a woman into a contract with Arlong? You didn’t force her to be in his debt so he could use her whenever he so damned pleased!? So she would never sleep through the night without worrying about when he might call on her!? Yu destroyed her life!”

“You might want to be more specific. I’ve written a lot of contracts over the years, girl.”

Her eyes narrowed, tears tracking lines down her cheeks. Her pretty blue eyes were alight with hatred and fury. She was stunning as she was here.

Maybe being under Arlong really had fucked with your head. To find yourself enraptured with a crying woman that had made it known she hated you. It was thrilling to watch her there. You wanted to sink your claws into her, to tear her apart and watch her cry.

Sucking in a breath, you tried to will away the intrusive thoughts.

You knew better than this. You were a better person than this.

“I apologize about forcing her into such a position.”

“You’re a foul fucking person. I want you DEAD, not an apology!”

She rushed you, the same kind of blade in your room found in her hand. You couldn’t defend yourself against such a woman. Such conviction and bravery was deserving of your awe. You let her do as she wished, not at all concerned for your own life.

She stabbed you in the chest. Knife plunging as far as her weak arms could push. You gasped, the pain throwing you off more than you thought. You had been hit, thrown, beaten, and whatever else Arlong wanted to put you through.

You had felt pain before, but this was the first time you had been stabbed. The metal wasn’t steel, it burned far too much for it to be so simple. Looking down at the intrusion, you saw the glint of black metal, tinged with light blue that reflected back at you.

You gaped at her, unsure where such a weak woman could acquire a precious and rare stone like that.

Finding yourself growing angry, you pushed her back. Spitting at her feet, you punched her as hard as you could. There was no rational reason you were so mad, maybe all that rage from before that had been piling on itself was finally showing through.

Screaming out some choice profanities, you felt for the knife lodged there.

Pulling it out, even though there was the knowledge that this was a bad idea, you stabbed it back at her. Digging past her hand, you pushed harder until it lodged into the floor underneath. She howled in pain.

There were steps echoing by the door, shouts following. The door had been locked behind her, but whoever had been trying to get in made it known that there was no difference in the fact.

Sitting back on your heels, you watched as the woman under you squirmed. Straddling her, your face fell. Leaning forward, the back of your hand traced her jawline. Pushing back her blonde bangs, you kissed her forehead. There was a gasp from in front of you where the door was.

“I am sincerely remorseful that I hurt you so. I was under Arlong’s wicked hand, but that does not excuse my actions. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Crying out, her other hand swung and smacked your face. The sound reverberated around the room.

Mihawk walked in, grabbing the wrist from the woman and stopping her from doing any more damage.

“You are the one who sent the threat?”

She spit at him, breathing harshly.

The ache in your chest grew harsher still. Grasping at the wound, you struggled to stand. Wobbling on your feet, you looked up to see Crocodile walking in as well. Chancing a look to Mihawk, he tried to gauge the rage simmering there.

“Hawk. What do you need me to do.”

“Take this woman and bring her to Buggy. I will deal with the rest.”

Pupils shrinking, Mihawk looked back to you. Glancing down at the wound in the center of your chest, he was relieved to find that the woman was an idiot regarding anatomy. Trying to hide his pure disdain to the woman, Mihawk reached you in two wide strides.

“Did she hurt you anywhere else?”

You shook your head.

“No.”

He heard you, scooping you in his arms.

“Forgive me for the position I am putting you in. But I do not wish for you to lose more blood than necessary on the way to the infirmary.”

“It does not matter.”

You huffed, trying to breathe despite the pain growing overtime. Gasping for air, you pat his back.

“It’s fine, let’s just get this over with.”

“As you wish, dove.”

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece x y/n #buggy the clown #dracule mihawk #captain buggy #competent buggy #hawkeye mihawk #mihawk x reader #op mihawk #gender neutral reader #sir crocodile

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lucy90712 · 6 months

Text

New wonder kid- Fermin Lopez

These last few months have been absolutely crazy and there was absolutely no warning or time to prepare. My boyfriend Fermin has played football for his entire life and he has been under Barcelonas academy for a long time as well. Over the preseason he began training with the first team which was a huge achievement for him and I was so incredibly proud but I could never have predicted what it would lead to. Fermin went on the preseason tour expecting to maybe get a few minutes at the end of games which he did but no one expected him to burst onto the scene and play so well. When he scored in the Classico I was so excited and proud of him I couldn't sleep that night. Since preseason Fermin has been with the first team for every game and I've never seen him so motivated every day when he goes to training.

As much as it has been wonderful to see Fermin finally achieving his dreams all of this has brought about a lot of changes in our lives. The two of us have been together for a long time and him playing football has never really been a big deal sure he has training a lot and I will go to his games but it's never been more than that. Now with the media getting involved things have just spiralled out of control. People are always stopping Fermin in the street and asking him to sign things while he is driving to training. The change happened so quickly it's been hard to keep up let alone to cope with it all. Before we would happily go our together to do things or go on dates just like any other couple but now I'm too scared of what might happen to even go outside with Fermin.

I have always just been a normal girl I went to school like everyone else and now I am studying at university. There is absolutely nothing interesting about me whatsoever my family don't have loads of money and they don't have hugely important jobs we are all just a normal family. This is why I'm so scared of being seen with my own boyfriend now as I just know people are going to try and find out everything they can about me and judge me for being a normal person. I have also never been a big fan of social media sure I use it occasionally but my life isn't on there so the thought of people possibly taking pictures of me and Fermin out together and putting them on social media scares me as then everything is out of my control.

With Fermin's new schedule the two of us haven't had as many date nights as we usually would and when we do they are always us just chilling in the apartment together. This has been perfect as it has meant I haven't had to tell Fermin about my stupid fears or have him think I don't want to be with him anymore because I really do. However my luck is running out as recently Fermin has been begging me to go to one of the games and I'm beginning to run out of excuses, saying I have work to do can only get me so far before he starts to get suspicious. There is another home game this weekend which he has been begging me to go to as he scored in the teams last game and he wants me to be there to finally watch him play on the big stage in person. All week I've been telling Fermin that I would try and get my work done in time to be able to go which is just a coverup for me to either gather the confidence or come up with a better excuse, neither of which are going well.

I had the day off of classes today so I have been working on assignments and just sitting and thinking for most of the day. I finished some of my work and have been chilling on my phone looking at football gossip pages which only makes me more anxious about my situation as I see what fans say about players rumours partners and wonder what they would say about me as I'm not a model like most other girl. Just as I was beginning to go down a deep rabbit hole the door opened and a tired looking Fermin came in.

"Hi amor how was your day?" I asked

"It was good but training was long and hard today" he said

"How about you relax and I make us some dinner, what do you fancy?" I asked

"Can we just sit for a bit first I've missed spending time with you" he said

"Of course come and cuddle with me" I smiled opening my arms for him

He laid down on my chest and I began to run my fingers through his hair which usually relaxes him but I could feel he was still a little tense which meant there was something on his mind still. Fermin is one of those who can worry about a lot of little things thats one of the things we are alike in so overtime I've learnt to know when its something I should be concerned about and when it isn't and this seems like something I should ask about.

"What's on your mind Fer?" I asked

"Do you still love me?" He asked right back

"What of course I do I love you so much why do you ask" I said

"I just feel like you don't want to be around me anymore you used to always come to my games and now I can't get you to even come to one" he said

"Oh amor I'm sorry if I made you feel like that but the reason is because I'm nervous everyone knows who you are now and thats great but I don't know if I'm comfortable with all the attention it would garner if we went out together" I explained

"So you still want to go places with me you are just scared" he questioned

"Yeah I've seen what fans say about all these models other players are dating and I'm just a normal person I'm not anything special so I don't even want to know what they would have to say about me" I said

"I understand carino but I promise you that no matter what people think I know my feelings for you and nothing will change that I want to show you off and bring you along on this journey too so please come to the game this weekend I promise I'll do everything I can to protect you" he said

"I trust you so I'll got but I can't promise that I won't be nervous" I laughed

"I get that but I want you to have fun too" he said

"I will definitely have fun I always do when watching you" I said

~~~~~~~~~~

Today is finally match day and to be honest I think I'm more nervous than I am excited. This day has been on my mind all week and last night I didn't sleep at all because all I was thinking about was everything that could go wrong today and what people might be saying on social media after the game. I know it's such a stupid thing to worry about and in the grand scheme of things this moment won't matter especially when Fermin is celebrating winning trophies but right now it seems like a big deal. Before Fermin and I got together I was deeply insecure and he has helped me so much and now I'm in a much better place so I really don't want to go back but I can't control the comments and I certainly can't predict how I will cope with them.

Since he woke up Fermin has been trying to keep me distracted and reassure me that everything will be ok. He is doing everything he can but today he can't beat the demons that still live in the back of my brain. As much as I admired my fears to him I never told Fermin the full extent of my worries as he worries about me enough already and he needs to be focused for the game so I don't want him to have anything extra on his mind. If he knew he'd tell me that he doesn't care and he just wants to help me but I care about him too much to have him stressing about me when I can cope on my own.

The day felt like it went by at lightening speed and before I knew it Fermin was telling to to get ready as we needed to leave. Once we got in the car Fermin's hand grabbed mine straight away and he held it tightly squeezing it every now and then to reassure me. Most of the drive was fine but as we got close to the training ground there was a lot more fans in the streets who all had their phones out taking pictures and filming. That's when it really hit me that there is no going back now from now on I'll be known as Fermin's girlfriend and some people will actually care about what I do. I could feel myself getting more and more anxious as we got closer to the training centre and there was so many people on the pavements and in the road it was just very overwhelming.

Finally when the car stopped I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding as well as I sigh of relief knowing that the worst part was over. I was so in my own world that I didn't hear Fermin talking to me until he put his hand on my cheek and turned me to face him. For some reason I expected him to be mad at me for not listening or for getting anxious but his expression was soft and his eyes had a loving look in them.

"Are you ok amor?" He asked

"I'm ok now that was intense I can't believe you deal with that everyday" I said

"You get used to it but do you promise you are ok" he said

"Yeah I promise thank you for holding my hand it made it a lot easier" I replied

With that he got out the car and ran around to open my door for me like he always does so we could head inside before the team head off to the stadium. Fermin got permission from Xavi to let me come on the coach with them because he didn't want me to have to go alone which I'm glad about as having to navigate the stadium on my own sounds stressful. He promised that he wouldn't leave me on my own at any point so when we got inside he text Gavi who was already ready to leave and he waited with me while Fermin got ready himself. I have known Gavi for the longest time but with him playing for the first team I don't get to see him as much as I used to so by actually going places with Fermin I should get to spend more time with some old friends.

"Good to see you again hermana how have you been? Gavi asked

"I've been good busy with school as usual what about you?" I replied

"Same as always I'm glad you agreed to come Fermin has been so happy ever since plus its nice to have you around" he said

"Thats sweet I'm glad he's excited" I smiled thinking about Fermin

"I know you're nervous but I promise everything will be fine the other girlfriends know you're coming and they can't wait to meet you plus once the fans get to know you there is no way they can hate you and if they do there is something wrong with them" he said

"Thanks gavi I really appreciate you saying that" I said

After that Fermin came rushing out and grabbed my hand again so we could get on the bus. The trip luckily wasn't long and once everyone was inside I met all of the other wives and girlfriends who were at the game and we all sat together getting to know each other. The longer I was there the more I began to relax as they have all been through this before and they are all ok and happy in their relationships which made the future seem not so scary. They were all so lovely and made me feel instantly welcome in the group they even added me to their group chat so we could all meet up at some point.

Before I knew it the game had begun and was over the team win and Fermin scored an important goal. I was so proud of him and I couldn't wait to see him so I rushed down to greet him after he was ready. As soon as I saw him I jumped into his arms which he wasn't expecting but he still managed to catch me and stay on his feet. I don't think either of us could have a bigger smile on our faces even if we wanted to I was so over the moon that he scored and he was so happy he could've done it with me there. Even when he scored he dedicated the goal to me like he always used to which made the moment so special to the point that I didn't care when the camera pointed towards me. I kissed him a few times before he put me down and we made it back outside to team bus so we could finally go home which I can't wait for as it's been a long day.

~~~~~~~~~~

As always Fermin's alarm woke me up even though it's Sunday because he's insane and likes to get up and go to the gym. Usually I go back to sleep straight away especially on a weekend but today I sat up and grabbed my phone because I wanted to look at what was being said after yesterday. I know Fermin posted a picture of us so that any rumours were cleared up straight away but I haven't seen it so I wanted to just look at everything. I had only just unlocked my phone when Fermin came back in from the bathroom and took it right out my hands.

"Sorry but I think it's best if you don't look at this today" he said

"I'll be fine I promise" I said trying to convince him to give my phone back

"Not happening I'm keeping home of this today and you can have it back when things have calmed down tomorrow if anything important happens I will tell you" he said

"Are things really that bad?" I asked

"No most comments are nice I just don't want you searching for the few bad comments" he says

"You know me too well" I laughed

"How about you come to the gym with me and we spend the day together so you are distracted plus I have missed your cuddles" he said

"I very much like that idea" I replied

#fermin lopez #fermin Lopez x reader #Fermin Lopez imagine #fermin Lopez imagines #football imagine

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morverenmaybewrites · 7 months

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Hi! I'm so glad you're back, new chapter of Pizza girl was amazing as always, for me it's absolutely the best dc fic ever!

I especially love how the relationship between Jason and other characters feels heartbreakingly natural, how it isn't a case of "love magically cured trauma" but rather slowly and messyly opening up, and trying to heal with the help of right people at right time.

And as much as I cannot wait for Jason and pizza girl to have more straight up romantic shenanigans, I love how they started with gaining each other trust and building their friendship, I adore them as domestic buddies.

I have a question, if it isn't some kind of spoiler of course, at this point of the story, does Jason have (or wants to have) a life outside of his Red Hood persona? And I mean it half psychologically half practically (similarly to pizza girl, how does he earn money if being a vigilante isn't a source of income?)

But seriously, I find it heartbreaking that as much as he yearns for home, he still lives in safe houses, and I was so happy when he thought about asking Babs for help in looking for something more permanent for himself. And it fits into his fear of being traced of course, but got me thinking, in a more personal sense, does he have a motivations for living other than trying to make up for his mistakes as Arkham Knight?

Something like: does he realise that there's Red Hood who fights for those who can't do it for themselves, but there's also Jason who likes the smell of new books, has his favorite mug and favorite way of drinking coffee, has his favorite chair at the local library, who maybe has quiet and innocent dream to get a degree or his dream job and be loved and needed by someone?

Does he realise the second one exists and deserves to be cherished by him?

(Sorry if this ask is too much, I just now realised how long it got 😭 I will absolutely understand if you don't have time to answer this)

Anyway thank you for writing this amazing and captivating work, I can't wait for next chapters, whenever they'll be ready❤

In the meantime I hope you get time to rest and have fun! Stay safe!

This is a wonderful breakdown of Jason's character! To answer your question, does Jason have a life outside of his Red Hood persona? No. Does he want one? Unconsciously, the answer is yes, but I don't think he can acknowledge it right now. For years following the Joker's torture, he's pretty much been in survival mode, keeping himself alive by being obsessed with a singular goal. First, it was to kill the Joker and Batman, and then when he found out the Joker was dead, it was to kill Batman. Now, it's to seek redemption as the Red Hood. While he may have (somewhat) progressed from his days as the Arkham Knight, he's still clinging to the same unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's a little (or a lot) like depression. He's so focused on getting through today and the next day and the next day that there's little room for anything else. Hobbies and friends and a place to feel at home in sound nice, but they also sound absolutely unattainable. And he's lived with that mindset for so long that he's all but forgotten that there are different ways to live. That's where Jason's head is right now. Maybe one day, he'll progress enough that he'll be able to look around his safehouse, so sparse that it's no different from a prison cell, and he'll think to himself that he wants something more. And it doesn't have to be anything big. Nothing so grand as the Wayne Manor. Just a small place, maybe above a bookstore. Maybe in the beginning, it's not so different from his safehouses. Just a mattress on the floor and a bathroom. But then one day, he'll add something small. Some secondhand book he bought from the store for the change he had in his pocket. It's from an author he's never heard of before. The writing is a little clunky, but it's enough to pass the time while he's waiting for updates on his cases. Maybe he reads it next to his window, by the light of the flickering street lamps, trying not to grimace at the way the hard wood is digging into his back. Maybe one of his siblings or even the reader notices. She takes him to one of her favorite flea markets under the guise of buying a new rug. And he ends up taking back an armchair, so old that the stuffing is coming out in places. But he makes do, the way he always has, he washes away the accumulated dust and dirt, he patches up the holes, and he places it next to his window. Where the street lamp shines just enough light to read by, even if it often flickers. He opens his book, written by an author he's never heard of before. The writing is a little clunky in places. But for now, he thinks, it's enough. (And maybe he'll read until morning. And maybe he'll realize, or maybe not: that the Jason Todd who used to spend hours in the Wayne Manor library, who had a favorite armchair by the fire, is still in there, somewhere. And perhaps, he'll think--or perhaps not--that the Joker hasn't killed everything that he used to be. Perhaps there's still a little bit of Robin left in him.)

#jason todd x reader #jason todd analysis #Jason finding a place to call him days at the morisaki bookshop style #moving into the second floor of a bookstore owned by a sweet old man #giving him the cozy vibes he deserves UGH #lowkey makes me want to write something about jason finally getting a place of his own #as someone who was stuck in a depressive pit for a long time and still struggle with it on occasion this ended up being highkey personal #rooting for you jay #THIS MAKES ME WANT TO WRITE A SHORT ABOUT JASON FINDING HIS OWN COZY PLACE IN THE WORLD #NO CASES #JUST COZY VIBES

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lurkingshan · 9 months

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Random BL Grievances, 2023 Edition

Listen. I was going to be nice. I was going to listen to my better angels. Shan, I said, there is no need to hate, it's all love! Just let it all go! But then my Tay Tawan was cruelly ripped away from me and @my-rose-tinted-glasses gave me inspiration. So fuck it, we ball. Hateration turned up to 11, let's go.

Worst Waste of a Good Start: Jun & Jun

Remember when this show started and it was all about scent kink and extremely horny energy, and then suddenly that all evaporated so we could add a bunch of side plots and do four different love triangles instead? Yeah I'm still mad about it!!

Most Overused Metaphor: Dangerous Romance

Hey y'all, did you know windmills need wind to power them?

Rudest Boy: Lomfon, La Pluie

The audacity of this boy. The chaos he sewed. Look at this scene! Immediately after this he not only plotted a secret date with his situationship's brother, he kissed said brother without consent. He made Tien cry. I may have forgiven your lanky ass, but I sure didn't forget!

Worst Retcon: Naughty Babe

This is not Men in Black and you can't just mind wipe me into forgetting these two already worked through half these issues in Cutie Pie. Not to mention suddenly turning a dog into a CGI tiger!! Thanks to Nat and Max for their service though those sex scenes at the end did help me cope.

Biggest Audience Betrayal: Minato's Laundromat 2

Plot contrivance amnesia! In my painstaking slow burn self acceptance journey that I have spent two entire seasons on. I will never forgive them.

Most Egregious Lack of Threesomes: Only Friends

You put me through all that messy drama and all those teases and I did not get to watch even one (1) threesome? Just a couple of kisses and everybody vacates the pool. I ask you, what was the point of Boeing if he wasn't here to fuck everybody! For shame, Jojo.

Most Undeserved Forgiveness: Eun Ji and Tae Hyung, The Eighth Sense

These two assholes are really up there amongst the worst friends in drama this year. I don't care what Jae Won says, I do not forgive you. Ji Hyun should have kept that petty energy for the both of them.

Biggest Character Letdown: Sand, Only Friends

Eternally pouring one out for the rougher, more cynical version of Sand who was wielding a baseball bat in the trailer. I don't know what happened to you, my guy, but you live on in my heart.

Most Baffling Dropped Plot: Thyme, A Boss and a Babe

Why was Drake even in this show? What was the point of all that plot set up in the first half if they weren't going to resolve it?? Why wasn't Thyme the mole??? Make it make sense.

Most Obvious Lack of Purpose: Between Us

How on earth did this happen? You have literal years to write a compelling sequel story for a wildly popular side ship and this is all you can come up with?! Aside from a couple nice sexy scenes at the start, this show really had no idea what it was about and nothing interesting to say.

Biggest Waste of Everyone's Time: Absolute Zero

New Siwaj, you're getting the triple dose on this list!! And AZ is your biggest sin this year because what the fuck was this! You had all that money, all that talent, all that time at your disposal, and this is what you did with it. UWMA squad was lined up to see you finally do another masterpiece, and you delivered this mess instead. What is going on with you, sir, I feel it's time for an intervention.

Worst Derailing of a Good Show: Step by Step

You didn't think this post was ending without me mentioning this disaster, did you? An all-time cautionary tale in how to waste a good slow burn. Jeng deserved better and so did we.

#bl grievances 2023 #la pluie #only friends the series #step by step #the eight sense #jun & jun #dangerous romance #a boss and a babe #absolute zero #minato's laundromat 2 #naughty babe the series #shan shouts into the void

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augustmonsooning · 3 months

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The Bear in 5 Acts : We're really in the Act III weeds, pals

One of the first thing's they'll teach you about good story telling is about the 5 act structure - it's tried and tested, from Shakespeare to films like I don't know, Past Lives, they all follow the same beats.

I think's it's significant that the title card at the this season and maybe season 2 (I'm gonna have to go back to check) says "The Bear Part III"; these seasons are components of a cohesive whole, it's not being made up as they go along. This is part of the reason why the writing and filming is so quick: the bare bones of the story arc is already there, they are just embellishing and perfecting.

Season 3 thoughts under the cut!

Now, I know Season 3 has the crowd split. My initial reaction was that I loved the cinema of it: the first episode I think was one of the best, most innovative bits of TV I've seen in a minute. I really enjoyed how they played with memory and anxiety. The show had a lot of interesting things to say about grief and regret and shame this season, and the ways we cope with it all.

It also cemented for me that The Bear is following v classical 5 act storytelling.

Act 1/ Season 1: Almost pure exposition, and probably why it stands out as a very strong standalone season. You could get away with not watching any episodes after Braciole and still feel like you've watched a great show. The money in the tinned tomatoes, and Carmy's proposal (of a restaurant) to Sydney is the inciting event. You could also think of Sydney coming back as the inciting event - this is probably the first time in Carmy's life where someone outside of his family (maybe even including his family) has seen the worst of Carmy and decided to come back

Act 2/ Season 2: Rising tension. Will The Bear make it? Will Carmy escape his traumas? Will Sydney and Carmy actually find their way back to each other?

Act 3/ Season 3: This is where we are now. To mix metaphors. The traumas and bad copies strategies are coming home to roost. This is Carmy at his very worst, because somehow he thinks this is him at his best. This is how Backstage, a theatre newspaper describes Act III : "Oftentimes, the end of your third act leads into a “dark night of the soul,” where the main character is at their lowest moment as a result of the climax. They believe that they cannot achieve that new, overpowering goal established at the end of Act 1. " I think that pretty much sums up Carmy and Syd this season, on the surface their goals have been achieved: The Bear is a functioning kitchen, it's packed out every night. There's modern Danish design, there's two tops, a tasting menu at the bar, and a window on the side for the sandwiches (the family style has been scraped, but we'll get to that later). So why does it feel so off? Can it be that neither of them wanted any of that shit in the first place? Can it be that they were at their happiest eating gluey spaghetti with their friends they loved in a place that had regulars who knew them, a place they could innovate with the odds and ends they had lying around and still make wonderful food. Could it be that a place where bricklayers and teachers and postmen were eating was the goal all along?

Act 4/Season 4: Where next? I think both Syd and Carmy are gonna reckon with what is actually important to them. And we alreayd know what that is, it's that scene under the table last season: they love to take care of people, they love to cook (not be "chefs"), they love to be there for each other - be someone the other can rely on. Everything they absolutely were not doing in Season 3.

Act 5/ Season 5: The real coming back. I remember watching Braciole for the first time thinking fuck, is this just an extremely silly show? It feels so real, so earned all the way up until the cash falls out of those tomatoes and Syd comes back. Because nothing has actually been resolved or addressed. Carmy has learnt absolutely nothing. Syd is as impatient and green as ever, jumping into a new business with a guy who has absolutely shown himself to be volatile and unreliable. But we forgive them, because as the viewer we've come to love Carmy and understand that the angry, doughnut slamming Carmy is not the real him, and we understand Syd because sure, of course it feels intoxicating that when the person who made the best thing you've ever eaten, the person who can seemingly finish all your sentences, the pinnacle of your professional ambitions looks at you with his freakishly blue eyes, and ask you open a restaurant with him, you're gonna say yes. The series from Season 2 onwards feels to me like a redux of the last few episodes of Season 1 in slow-mo but this time with real learning, real consequences, and real, abiding love. Like a "find out what you love, and do it on purpose" type of thing. When they get back together the last episode it's going to feel even more magical than in Season 1.

Listen. I feel like that dude trying to get Tina et al to invest thousands of dollars to get a job in Napkins. It feels like a scam to tell you all to invest more time and hope. But, imma do it, because it's gonna pay off.

It also doesn't escape me that Strange Currencies, the song they use on the show to signpost Carmy's romantic life, has the lyrics "I need a chance, a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance"

Carmy had a chance in season 1, he fucked it up by going absolutely bananas in 'Review', he had another one in season 2; and he ran away and then thought he could fix it with a fancy chef jacket and promises under a table, he's had another chance in season 3 and safe to say, he's fucked it again. He's gonna get another, but he better stick the landing.

#the bear fx #the bear meta #sydcarmy #the bear hulu #this is a love story

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frecklystars · 20 days

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I have no idea if I should come back online or not. I've been offline since. my god, what. fucking April? May?? My queue only has like 10 posts so I should refill that but tbh I don't see a point if I don't really feel anything. I am just a husk, I can't enjoy anything, I am just so numb all the fucking time. I have been doing so bad and nothing is helping and I am so fucking miserable when I can't self ship. I'm in pain all the time and I need my F/Os to help me get through the day but that's so hard when I look at them and watch the movies and feel absolutely nothing. I tried watching a bunch of ryan interviews/movies/shows for the last couple of weeks and there is just. nothing

September is my bday month and every year I try really hard to be extra gentle with myself. and I originally planned to stay offline for the entire month bc I just, I don't wanna fucking be here. I hate being on this hellsite. I hate feeling pressured to get back to so many people when my energy is so low. I don't find any joy scrolling through my dashboard. I don't find joy in making edits or drawing anymore. I don't enjoy my time on here anymore bc I cannot find joy in self shipping anymore. But I don't go a day without going into fight or flight mode, or having a nightmare or a flashback, or stress vomiting, there is always something, and my Ryan F/Os were really helping me get through it for at least a year, but now it's like... the last 4 months I've just felt nothing and I feel so utterly miserable

I can't afford a cptsd therapist anymore but I try to see my regular therapist once a month if I can afford it, and she said it's best for me to try to get back online at least once in a while, bc I'm just... rotting in my room and then going to work at both of my jobs and then coming home and missing my F/Os, unable to cope with triggers since I'm not able to self ship, and just rotting again. My sleep schedule is so fucked up bc of my nightmares/panic attacks I've had every night for nearly two years. I get zero to three hours of sleep every night for the last two years. I'm exhausted all the time and! it makes sense that I'm doing poorly bc your brain makes serotonin when you're sleeping! and if I'm literally never sleeping then ofc I'm not gonna have the stupid happy chemical in my stupid brain. and I'm not eating every day since I am trying so hard to save money, and skipping meals is obviously bad for your brain too, and I'm not socializing as regularly bc I'm so goddamn depressed. so my therapist said I should try to be online again even if it's just once a week, just to make F/O edits or something. fake it til you make it, try to build that habit again. but that feels so hard! I am so numb here! and I have so many bad memories associated with the abuse I've endured that I can't log into this hellsite without just feeling so fucking awful.

I am so tired of living in fight or flight mode and getting shaky from adrenaline rushes all the time and i'm so tired of not feeling like I can trust the people around me because of how much bullshit I've had to go through in the last two years of people purposefully being kind to me in order to betray my trust and manipulate me. I really wish I could publicly talk about what happened to me. I really wish I could publicly tell you all every single little thing that I have been put through in the last 2 years. I wish I could tell you who's doing it and I wish I could post everything... obviously not for witch hunt purposes, but just so people can know what's going on and idk help me, send me support, tell me "hey it's gonna be okay" literally anything, or at the very least just so I can warn you how fucked up a group of people are and say "hey don't interact with these people I've had to actually call the police on them bc they're Fucking Insane". but I refuse to talk about my situation publicly because it won't do anything but cause drama, it will make things worse in the long run, so I stay in my own lane, I just fucking sit here, I never talk bad about anybody anywhere even in private, I never name drop, I am just trying so hard to exist and stay in my corner.

I've been so paranoid for 4 months now bc of all of the stalking I've been put thru in the last two years. I don't trust people, and it bled into self shipping so I feel like I can't trust my F/Os. I know F/Os aren't real yeah yeah I know they're fictional, but idk how else to explain it. Think of the worst possible thing someone can do to you. anything you can think of; I have been thru it. online abuse and offline abuse. my F/Os got tied into that. I was conditioned to believe that these things that were happening to me would be my F/O's desires as well. that they'd want to abuse me the same way because they love me. that I am their "most special person" and that they'd feel an "urge to hurt me". especially if I was in a skirt. especially if I looked scared. blah blah blah all this shit I was told for months and months. endured in real time and then told my F/Os would want to do the same exact thing to me because they love me. that I am only loved through violence and manipulation. because of all of this I've been put through, I genuinely believe I am only capable of being loved if it's through violence whether this is IRL or with F/Os, and anyone who is being kind to me is secretly out to get me. this is such an awful way to live and I don't know how to stop thinking like this. I don't know how to shake it off. I'm so tired.

I want to stop having an immediate stress reaction, my brain spiking my blood with adrenaline saying "you're in danger!! you're gonna die!! you're gonna die!! you need to run!!" every time I see a stupid fictional robot, or certain clothes, or colors, or. whatever. I am so sick of it. It is exhausting dealing with so much stress and anxiety every single day!! every second that you're alive!! I cannot put into words how fucking terrible it feels!!! it isn't just a "eh this happens every once in a while if I just see my trigger" thing, it's a "I feel this every goddamn second that I am awake and even when I am asleep bc I'm having nightmares about it" !!! it's hard!! it sucks! it's hard!! I can't function if I don't have my F/Os and I don't have my F/Os anymore, not in the same way. I don't feel anything for my Ryan F/Os at all right now. Barbie doesn't make me feel safe anymore bc I don't feel anything when I look at her. I can't look at pink and think "ooh barbie pink" and try to get over that trigger. I just see pink and feel tense and like I wanna throw up. I don't see Barbie as a protector anymore bc I'm so numb. I don't see Barbie as a girl's girl who would look out for me, I see her as a potential abuser. I hate this. I miss her so bad. I miss feeling safe with F/Os. I am trying really hard to get that Ryan/Barbie hyperfixation train going again but I don't know how to do that when I am so miserable. I don't know where to start. am I supposed to fake it til I make it? draw and edit and listen to music and just try?? or do I just?? watch the movies? it's not working. but even if it's not working do I just keep doing it anyways? it's like there's a brick wall in front of me and anything throwing love/joy in my direction just hits the wall and I can't absorb it.

So anyway I'm sorry to rant. I've only slept 6 hours total in the last 7 days so my brain is like. suffocating. i'm probably almost done talking. being offline hasn't helped me feel better. I think isolating myself is, uh. not good. but I really don't have the energy for dms. I can try to answer maybe like... 3 asks a week if I push myself. I feel so bad that so so so so so many people reach out to me and I just don't answer. I don't do it on purpose I just genuinely have zero energy, or if someone sends a nice ask, in the back of my head I'm always thinking "nope this is a trap. I shouldn't engage with this" and like, what if it's not a trap? what if it's genuinely just someone trying to be nice to me? I don't trust it. i hate walking on eggshells. i hate that someone can send me "hi keri have a nice day :)" and my brain is like "ah this person is spending one whole entire year pretending to be my friend so they can betray me. they're secretly on the side of [abuser] so they can try to hurt me. don't trust!!!" like. hello. i hate that i've had experiences like that, so now any person who contacts me is automatically a "possible threat" ??? it is exhausting living like that. it's hurting me. i don't think this way on purpose! i am not trying to feed/fuel these thoughts. i have a literal stress disorder. this is part of the stupid complex post traumatic stress disorder. i am! stressed! to the point of this hurting me and i am unable to function! and! idk how to fix it. it's like someone planted poisonous seeds in my brain for 2 years that have sprouted into ugly huge trees and I can't cut them down. because the bark is too strong. or something. and now there's just poison in my head that I don't know how to get rid of.

ok sorry for rambling, I don't know if I am coming back online or not. I am supposed to! I should! I really should! but I really genuinely hate this hellsite after everything i've been put through. i never enjoy my time here anymore. but also my birthday is coming up and I deserve to enjoy my birthday. I want to enjoy it. I want to get better so bad, and if being online and making edits and drawing pictures is supposed to help with that then I will try. at least a little. I want to enjoy my birthday so bad dude. i hate my birthday, I have hated my birthday for years, but this year I am so... hurt, I feel like an open bleeding wound that cannot heal, and I want to be so gentle to myself this year. I want to eat apple pie at a diner and wear my drive scorpion jacket even if im numb the whole time. I want to go to the movies and bring my barbies with me even if im numb the whole time. I want to go rock climbing. I want to eat soft serve ice cream and not feel guilty. I want to learn how to watercolor paint even if i'm gonna suck at it at first. I have 3 F/O anniversaries coming up. K on the 1st, Driver on the 18th, Lars on the 26th. I should enjoy these days. I am not looking forward to any of it. I am just. numb. but I need to try. I cannot just sit here and tell myself it's hopeless. but then again I don't have energy to do anything other than that. but whatever, I will try even if it's just, like, one single day this month where I post art or answer one (1) ask. like literally anything I will push myself to do anything I want to get better SO bad

I'm gonna fill up my queue now, I'm sorry if it seemed messy the last month, I haven't checked it. I used to always organize my queue every day to post certain amounts on certain days, time it accordingly, make everything look all nice and pretty, but I haven't done that. I don't even know if ppl notice that kind of thing or not, I think it just makes me feel better personally when I know my blog is organized. I want to try to answer one or two inbox messages every once in a while. if I don't get to your asks or dms, I'm sorry, it is nothing personal I swear to god I literally am just a zombie right now barely alive and I am trying so hard to just. survive 😭

I love u. I'm sorry my tone in this whole thing comes off very bitter, I am genuinely just fighting to stay alive one day at a time for years and years and years and the cptsd made everything so unbearable and i feel like every single second im alive is such a struggle. I hate being so negative all the time I promise I am clawing my way out of hell to try to fix it even though it hurts the whole time. i want to get better not just for myself but also because i feel so bad that i make vent posts so often. i miss self shipping. im gonna stop here or im gonna spiral even worse. goodnight/goodbye ill touch base later

#vent #i didnt proofread this im sorry your girl is going through it #an update but also a vent but also a. i dont know. whatever

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writingforatwistedworld · 2 years

Note

For Vil: H, I, J, please! I’m very interested in the Housewarden’s mindset as a yandere

Self-aware au

I do not take any responsibility for you reading this no matter which age group you are from!

WARNINGS: Yandere themes, manipulation, imprisonment, murder, poison, unhealthy relationship

H, I, J

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

Being put on a way too high pedestal

It’s not like Vil would do this on purpose

It’s actually the oppesite

He praises you constantly, telling you how perfect you are

It’s nice and all when your partner tells you that they love every single part about you but nothing comes close to the extent Vil does

For a normal person like you it is absolutely impossible to be what he envisions that you are

And when you tell him that this is too much he is going on and on how humble you are

Safe to say you will never be able to climb this mountian

Vils fans

Many of them understand that Vil is also just another human being who wants some love in his life

And then there are also like “DON’T TOUCH MY VI-VI!”

To be fair, Vil also dislikes those fans a lot but there isn’t much he can do

So he does try to keep your relationship private but there is only so much someone like him can do

If you didn’t have the same experience as the NRC cast (aka meeting your vessel Yuu, getting to know you through Yuu) it can be a bit hard to figure out at first glance that you are the Overseer

So even that isn’t necessary some sort of protection for you

Just avoid crowds and learn how to make yourself look like someone else entirely with make-up

Vils fretting over you

“OH MY GOODNESS IS THAT A PAPERCUT??!”-Vil Schoenheit, model with 5 million followers

To say that he is always worried would be an understatement

He just wants to make sure you are always taken care of, ok?

Well guess who isn’t so thrilled about that? Ding ding ding! Ten points for the right answer! You

I’m not talking about a few minutes of attentio. I’m talking about him coming back to Pomefiore and then it starts for the entire rest of the day

And it’s not like you can tell him that it’s too much

That would be just rude and we also don’t want to know what happen if you ever were to take that “privilege” away from him

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

A “normal” relationship

You know, getting registered on the paper, being able to go out with you, yada yada

Sadly he is not able to enjoy this at the moment since he has to shield you from the more problematic part of his following

Why the “ “?

Well because in that vision you are not really having any contact to anyone besides him

Unconscious manipulation is also a normal thing, the world is evil you know? Only he is on your side

Maybe if you ask nicely he will get you a goldfish or somethign like that. You know, to talk to

One where he isn’t interrupted

At the moment the young model still has to study and also take care of his more or less dormant career

So “sadly” to your joy he can’t be there all the time

If worst would come to worst he would step down from his job

He has so much money he could probably pay easily for everything Ruggies family needs for fifty years

Man just wants to spend every minute of his life with you

Whether you want it or not does not matter

One in which you love him enough for him to stop feeding you secretly potions

Have you ever wondered why you are still here with him even though he is so overbearing?

Well congrats! You just broke through the effects of one of Vils potions

He hates it, ok? He hates it to always tiptoe around you so he can put it in your drinks

Vil thinks he has no chance with you, perfection itself, so he sees no other way but to cheat a bit

So the next time you see him with a heartbroken look on his face you know what he just did

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Easily jealous

I would like to remind you that he has a background as an actor

This means you won’t even know that he is jealous… until it’s too late

The sight of others being around you, looking at you, being close to you, potentially taking his spot besides you

It makes his blood boil

If he didn’t have a reputation to uphold he would have fed all of them apples a long time ago, and those do not keep doctors away

If you look really close and are Rook you might see his muscles being a little more tense than usual so… Nah, no way you can spot this sign early enough

Bettering himself

Vils jealousy stems from a place of fear

What if you were to find someone better than him?

So he takes it out on himself… and a teeny tiny bit on you

He wakes up earlier, runs longer in the morning, sees something ugly in something totally normal

You know, the unhealthy stuff

With him raising his standards for himself he also raises his for you

Suddenly that papercut isn’t just a papercut (to which he already reacts way too much) but a stab wound in your side

He goes from mother hen to Bridezilla before a wedding… just in a caretaker sense

Snapping

If you don’t see the signs even then he will snap

Full on reenactment of Snow White

No need to worry why he gave you that apple. It’s good for your health!

Two seconds before catastrophe struck

So whilst you lay there, your vision going dark, you can still see his visage torn by a unnatural wide smile

If he can’t have you no one can

And if eternal sleep is the only solution to you never leaving him then so be it!

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