#I BORING I NEED TO DRAW HIM (heartbreak)

[mellliow]

[ellievickstar]

His Second Choice?

A/N: So my first ever fic was Azriel angst…thus, this. I have curated what I consider to be the worst thing of all time, being someone’s second choice, especially if you are their soulmate.

Summary: When then mating bond finally snaps into place, what are you meant to do when you realise your mate has another in his heart, will you break it off to save yourself, or will your mate be able to save this heartbreak?

Request: N/A

Pairing: Azriel x Witch!Reader, Azriel x Elain, Nessian, Feysand.

Warnings: Angst. Tears. Mentions of witchcraft. Elain Slander. Being someone’s second option. (If you are in a similar situation, BREAK IT OFF. He or she is not worth it), Azriel being incredibly stupid. Elain slander. Thanks to @azrielhours for helping me come up with the idea! I also added my own take of the Hanahaki Disease with Azzy. Hope you enjoy, love you babes <3

My Masterlists & Rules

~*~*~*~*~

You walked down the hall, and noticed that there was a slight bounce in your step, smiling as you recalled the reason why. Today was finally the day, after weeks of going on countless missions for Rhys, Azriel could finally have dinner with you as usual, and just in time to. Today you were celebrating finally being able to finish the last book of your series, quite popular now, no doubt thanks to Feyre's connections to a famous publisher, which allowed the series to get the exposure it needed. (A/N: Is this how publishing books work? Someone please educate me)

Thanks to the help of Mor and Nesta's fashionable taste in dresses, they had picked out a wonderful dress. It was a dark navy blue, azriel's favourite colour, which faded into white with golden accents. The sleeves were off the shoulder, lined with flowers sewn and embroidered into the top. You were in absolute awe when you saw it and had tried it on immediately, thankfully it fit you well, and you wished the two females well before heading to bottom of the stairs to the House of Wind, where Azriel agreed to pick you up.

You wondered what he'd think as you fidgeted with the layers of your dress, occasionally summoning spells to pass time. During the first hour, you just played with your magic, bored. During the second hour, you begun to worry that he might have been injured during the mission. During the third, you were ready to summon Rhys

That's when Cassian and Nesta came across you and asked you why you weren't with Azriel and you made a painful realisation.

You had stood there, waiting like a fool. Thinking that maybe, your mate would still care enough to at least show up if he was tired from his mission. Stood there, until Nesta and Cassian came across you, Nesta demanding to know where Azriel was, Cassian puzzled as he claimed Azriel had come home hours before. And that's when you knew he had forgotten. And it hurt.

You shouldn't have been upset. After all, he could have been so tired and just landed in bed immediately, he could have been flooded with paperwork for the mission. Cassian offered to bring you to the House of Wind but y ou waved him off, telling him to enjoy the rest of his night with Nesta and not to worry about you.

You couldn't winnow. But you could do something else. After ensuring that no one could see you, you waved a hand in the air. Drawing precise shapes from memory. A light glowed in your hand, slowly swallowing your arm, then the rest of you. And when you closed your eyes because of how bright it was you felt the atmosphere shift. And with your fingers crossed you opened one eye, then the other, to see yourself standing in the living room of the House of Wind.

Witchcraft.

You had grown up as a witch, travelling across Prythian with your family and friends. That was before Amarantha's rule, before...everything. Before you witnessed you family slaughtered. Before you mustered up so much power you shouldn't even be alive. Before your friends needed to go into hiding. Before everyone thought witches were evil. And it wasn't just you. Bryaxis, was something of an old friend. You were no stranger to the weaver, the bone carver or the suriel. They had all been...friends. And such association with had had cause your kind to be deemed evil.

So you hid your power, you hid your identity. The only people you ever told was the inner circle, save Feyre's two sisters. You weren't comfortable with sharing it with new people, and everyone understood. You had told Nesta vague details, but tears had begun to form in your eyes and she embraced you, telling you that it was alright if you didn't wish to speak of it yet.

The memory made you smile. But once you remembered the situation at hand, it turned into a frown. Reaching out to that mating bond, you grasped it, but there was nothing on the pother side. Though Azriel was your lover, he hadn't experienced the bond for himself yet. You would wait for it to click for him, you didn't want to rush him.

Laughter caught your attention, and the distinct sound of your mate made you freeze as you faced the balcony. There they were. It was clear as day as your mate entered the House of Wind with Elain. Elain. You'd known that they had grown closer, but to leave you with no explanation and spend time with someone else. You blanched.

Azriel's eyes found yours and as they trailed down to your dress, the colour drained from his face. He truly had forgotten. Not for any rhyme or reason but because he was busy with someone else. Your vision began to blur, but you swallowed as you asked him one thing.

"Why?" It was so soft, you couldn't recognise your own voice. But Azriel flinched. You searched for an answer in his eyes but found none as he looked away. You begged him silently for a good reason, a good answer, anything but-

"I guess I just forgot, and she needed me for something important," It was as if he had slapped you. Turning away, tears streamed down your face, and with a wave of your hand a blinding light flashed and you were gone. Azriel left on his knees as he had tried to grab you, to convince you to stay, to let him make up for what he had forgotten, but never once thought about what he had just said, what he had just implied.

~*~*~*~*~

"He didn't!" Mor gasped. You nodded sadly and Nesta huffed as she sat back in her chair. Feyre was quiet as she stirred her tea. You couldn't imagine how they both felt. On one hand, Elain was their sister, but to even attempt on a man who already had a lover was beyond both of them. Feyre shook her head, in disbelief and disappointment. She exchanged looks with Nesta and cleared her throat.

"Perhaps, we sheltered Elain all her life, but it is no excuse for what she is doing, whether she realises it or not. I will speak to her about the issue at hand, but don't worry, I won't tell her about the bond," You smiled gratefully at the high lady and she excused herself to go to the bathroom. You couldn't help but be envious of the relationship she had. Though you would never want to date the High Lord, you wished that Azriel would care for you as much as Rhys did Feyre.

Sighing, you set your cup down, ready to leave for a meeting with Bryaxus - who was more than overjoyed when you begun to regularly visit him - and then you felt it, it was like your heart was being ripped out of you as you gasped, heaving, coughing. Mor sat up, alarmed, and Nesta moved to hold your back, soothing you. You hacked and watched in horror as blood and what looked like the petals of a flower came spewing out of your mouth.

You knew this disease.

You knew what it would do.

You knew what needed to be done.

"Get Madja," You coughed out to Mor, "Now! I need her now!" Raising your voice, you began to cough up more petals and more blood. Mor instantly winnowed out and was back within a few minutes, Madja hot on her heels as she rushed towards you. Your mind spun as you processed everything. Not this, anything but this, please.

After your coughing fit that scared the wits out of Mor and Nesta, you explained the disease to them. Madja nodded at your every word as she inspected the kind of flowers that you had coughed up.

Red Tulips. Soulmates.

Marigolds. Hurt.

Daffodils. Unrequited Love.

You cursed under your breath. Feyre had just returned and was quickly filled in on the situation. She paled as she took in the flowers, their meanings. Hours of listening to what Elain said flowers represented and now Feyre wish she had forgotten all of it. You started heaving again and Madja made you lean forward as you coughed up more petals into a paper bag.

Unbridled pain roared through the veins of your body as it began to come in paves. Whimpering, you brought your knees to your chest, but the coughing didn't stop. You were in near tears. How could you let this happen? Years of hearing about this disease and you were now victim to it. You couldn't help that your mate was in love with another, but why was this so much worse than the stories? You had seen the events of the disease transpire and it was no where near as bad-

"It's because you and Azriel are mates. In other cases, this only happens between two lovers...never mates. Mates usually have an instant connection, so it's very rare for one half to love another person entirely," Feyre explained. Nesta muttered something about how Tamlin should have gotten this cursed disease, but Feyre then explained that there was a difference between 'love' and 'obsession'. This couldn't be happening. You groaned into your palms, maybe you should go to the bathroom, lest the next thing you know you can't move.

Standing up, you took one step, then another, your vision bagan to tunnel, and you turned back to the sofa. You had to at least get back to a lying down position, but before you could, darkness hugged you like a warm, welcoming blanket.

~*~*~*~*~

Mor yelped as she rushed to keep Y/N from falling. Feyre immediately reaching out to Rhys to get everyone to go to the House of Wind immediately. It was an emergency. Rhys was there with Lucien in a heartbeat. For a second, Mor wondered where Azriel was, when booming beats of wings could be heard. Cassian rushing in, letting out a sigh of relief as he spied that Nesta was safe, Azriel with Elain in his arms entering soon after as he set her down.

Feyre, Mor and Nesta all scowled at the Shadow singer, assuming that it was because of Y/N he nodded at them apologetically. Which in turn made them all exchange enraged looks, Feyre making a mental note to tell Rhys to cut Azriel's hefty salary by at least half. Still a sizeable portion, but maybe he's start thinking about the consequences to his actions.

"We're here because of Y/N," Mor started and Elain scoffed. Feyre and Nesta were taken aback by the rude behaviour. Having enough of so many problems, Nesta spoke up. "Is there a problem, Elain?" Elain rolled her eyes and picked at her nails.

"Y/N is just jealous that Azriel decided that he didn't want to be with her anymore. Besides, there are so many other males for her, why those she have to target Azriel?" Nesta gritted her teeth, ready to yell at her ignorant sister, but decided against it as Mor began to speak.

"Y/N has contracted something called Hanahaki Disease, a disease cause my unrequited love towards another," This made Elain snort, but Mor continued, ignoring her, "Usually there would be time to try several cures, but in this case, it's..." More trailed off, unable to find the words, unable to utter the thing that would confirm her own fears. Feyre continued for her.

"She's dying. Fast. Madja says we have a day at best, hours at worse," The words were almost unheard, Cassian stared at Nesta, the devastation on her face, he glanced to Azriel, the bastard's face remained impassive, but as he reached to his mind, absolute chaos. Pain. Suffering.

Azriel felt paralysed when he heard the words. He might never be able to make up for the mistake he made. The hurt he caused his lover. But, something made him stop.

"You said usually, there would be more time. What's the difference in this case?" The question made Feyre pause. She glanced at her sister and friend but they both looked unsure. Should they tell him? They had sworn not to tell anyone but in a situation like this...

"You are her mate," Nesta softly muttered. So soft, that if it wasn't for everyone's Fae hearing, they would have passed it off as the wind. Elain gasped ion anger, and Azriel fell to his knees. No. It can't be. He mustn't have heard it right. His mate? But as he reached into his soul, he grasped the at the foreign golden thread that was foreign to him all this time, and tugged it hard. Images flooded his mind and he begun to weep.

The shadow singer, hardened by years of battle, war, and torture, begun to weep as he saw an invisible golden thread reach out, and go through the door where his mate probably was. And for the first time in centuries, he understood her. He saw her pain, her memories, her thoughts.

Horrified, he witnessed himself saying those words to her. Telling her that Elain was more important, telling her that another female was more important than his mate. He wanted to know when she found out about the bond, wanted to demand why she never told him, but now wasn't the time. He needed to get to her.

Faster then anyone could stop him, he got to his feet and ran. Tearing through the door and stopped as he saw her. She was so pale, sweat beaded down her forehead as her breaths were laboured. She wasn't even conscious. Shadows sang as they danced around her figure. Not right. Dying. Sick. Disease.

He felt himself being pulled back by Cassian, asking him to calm down, asking him to listen, but he couldn't. He was panicked. He couldn't leave her, not again, he needed her. He couldn't lose her after just finding out. It took both Rhys and Cassian to haul Azriel away, he screamed after his mate, screamed as he prayed, he didn't know to who, but if there was any slight chance that they'd let her wake up, if there was at least one good thing he'd done in all his existence that allowed him this one good thing, he'd bargain with the Gods for a chance to live the rest of his life with his mate. Would bargain away his own life.

He didn't know how long it was until Madja came out with a solemn look. He didn't know how long it was he stood there when she uttered those defining words. "She might not make it," Before she dragged him to the side.

"What is your relationship with Y/N?" She demanded. Azriel's head spun as he tried to recall what happened. "I...it's complicated," Madja paused at seeing the shadow singer falter after 500 years of walking through life without a care in the world. However, the answer he was giving was not going to help her save Y/N.

"Define it shadow singer! Give me details! Let me know what was happening that she became so ill!" She snapped. Azriel flinched. He knew she had every right to be annoyed at him. He was the cause of the illness and he couldn't even think straight, couldn’t even try to save her.

“I hurt her. I hurt her and I shouldn’t have, I stood her up, and then told her another female was more important. I grew distant. And now she’s suffering. Because of me,” He swallowed and Madja nodded. He ran his hand through his hair. Panic danced in his eyes and Madja sighed. This was complicated, never in all her year did she need to treat such a complicated case, even when Illyrians were on the brink of losing their wings. Even when she had to treat battle wounds that would leave the faint hearted in shambles.

She shook her head, turning to leave, voicing only one instruction as she walked out, “Break off whatever relationship you have with that Archeron Sister, and pray that you’re mate will wake,” He nodded and Madja left the shadow singer feeling empty, feeling as if he had nothing left in the world.

~*~*~*~*~

His foot steps felt heavy as he walked to the living room of the House of Wind. He couldn't believe this. All his life, he'd dreamed of meeting his mate. He'd dreamed of living out his life together with her, and now he might not even get to right the wrongs he had made. He might not even get to tell her that he was sorry for hurting her.

"So? What do we need to do?" Mor demanded as he came into view of the rest. He sighed as looked down at his scarred palms, ones who had done harm to thousands and he hadn't regretted it, not once. Until now. His own mate. Maybe karma really did exist. Maybe he shouldn't have been so cruel to so many people.

"I...I have to break up with Elain or she dies tonight," He said shakily. Everyone stared at him. Elain rolled her eyes once more. “What a drama queen. She’s such an attention seeker, right guys?” She looked around but no one seemed to agree. Her eyes seemed to flicker between surprise and resentment. “You guys are stupid, she’s not dying she’s just faking it,” She tried to say but Cassian brought a hand up, stopping her.

“You, dumb brat. You’re sisters have shielded you all their lives and the one time you have an opportunity that you aren’t just an empty headed child, you blow it!” Nesta tried to calm him down but everyone could tell that a part of her agreed with what her mate was saying. Rhysand then chimed in, “A member of my court, one of my closest friends, is dying. And you have the audacity, the gall, to say that she is attention seeking? I don’t care that you are my mate’s sister, but that disrespect will not be tolerated in my court, even so, my mate would agree with me. You have been born and raised sheltered and shielded from a broken world and instead of being thankful, instead of feeling an ounce of appreciation towards the female who saved your damn life, you ruined hers.” Feyre nodded, and as Elain looked around, she realised that no one was siding with her, not even Lucien.

She huffed, enraged by the outcome of this, before strutting out of the house of Wind. Nesta felt disheartened, she had been so protective of Elain that she had now turned into this uncaring monster, it made her feel like she had failed. Her emotions were echoed down the bond and Cassian turned towards her and hugged her, pressing her against him gently. The scene made Azriel feel alone, and so guilty. He could have had that, if he had just opened his damn eyes, if he hadn’t hurt her the way he did.

But now, he didn’t even know if his mate was going to make the end of the day. And he prayed to whatever god there was out there, that he’d get one more shot to make things right.

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: Should I make part 2???? Idk T^T Hope you enjoyed <3

PART 2 IS OUT

@aroseinvelaris

If you wanna be tagged: Just ask and remember to specify if you wanna be tagged in just part 2 of this fic, all Azriel fics, any specific character fics/series, or just all my fics in certain fandoms. <3

[pendragonsclotpole]

I need to preface this post with the fact that I’ve been aware of Supernatural for as long as I’ve known what the terms fanfiction and fandom mean. It’s one of those pop culture moments that’s existed on the periphery of my mind as something really beloved and bemoaned about by people on the internet, but it’s never been something I really cared about outside of some iconic memes.

For the past four days, I’ve been watching Supernatural non-stop in my free time. I think I sat through eight episodes straight on one of those days, and I just have to say, the show is phenomenal.

I don’t know where to start, I could make a dozen of these posts about various points throughout the first two seasons and it still wouldn’t be enough. I’ve now taken a break at episode one of season three, because now that it’s a weekday I have work and can’t dedicate the time I could on the weekend.

First, Jared Padalecki’s acting is so beautiful and poignant and emotional. He really makes Sam Winchester into the bleeding heart of the whole show, and the entire time he’s on screen I worry about Sam. His portrayal of Sam’s heartbreak and desperation at Dean’s impending death after the car crash, as well as Sam’s horror at the reveal of what John told Dean before dying held a tragic desperation and denial that really embodied what the character represented in the first two seasons. Even as a hunter and with his special abilities, Sam felt like a quasi self-insert for the audience. I don’t mean that in a bad or overly tropey way, but in the way that he felt robbed of a proper childhood in favor of his father’s crusade. Sam is the angry, indignant younger sibling who never bore the brunt of responsibility like the older sibling did and it shows. In some ways, it makes him more entitled—I don’t mean that Sam does not have the right to be angry with John Winchester. He does. Fuck John Winchester. I mean entitled in the unintentional, coincidental way that your little brother or sister always demands the things you never had or rebels against the authority of the parent without ever dealing with the consequences you did as the older sibling. It reveals the veneer of freedom he had and the protection he received by virtue of his place in the Winchester Family. For me, it made him unbearably real, and this feeling of realness was made worse by the genuine naivety and innocence he keeps even as he continually gets screwed over by the demons. There’s a steadfast belief in the goodness of others within Sam that often conflicts with the sense of goodness he believes he lacks.

Sam trusts so easily, but he understands people in ways that should be antithetical to his upbringing. It took me forever to reconcile why he seemed so familiar, until I realized that Sam Winchester, for all that he was one of John Winchester’s son, had received the unconditional love of an older sibling for his entire childhood.

I don’t mean the perfect, kind, healthy love that often exists between fictional siblings. Too often I’ve watched media that makes me wonder how siblings like that even exist, or conversely, made me glad my siblings weren’t so fucked up.

I mean the kind of platonic love that exists between siblings living in the liminal space of love and hate thanks to the single fucked up connection that draws them back together continuously out of some sense of duty or commiseration or the need to be understood.

I mean the kind of love between siblings that would wither away when in a perfect world that does not stake their survival on their codependence of each other, but that in an imperfect and real world is equated to familiarity. Sam and Dean against the world—against John Winchester.

Out of all of the episodes I’ve watched in the last day and a half, perhaps the one that struck me most was episode 20, Season 2. What is and What Should Never Be. Not only was the title a bit of emotional whiplash—the juxtaposition of Should and Never lending a finality or a sense of wrongness that can’t be replicated by the words “Could Never—but we see Dean and Sam in a world where their one connection, hunting, has completely vanished and at a high cost to all the people they’ve saved, but mostly to Sam and Dean themselves. They’re connection as ride or die brothers is gone, replaced by an ostensibly better, healthier, more normal future liberated from the expectations of the rest of the world.

Without the death of Mary Winchester, Dean and Sam are no longer Dean and Sam. They’re just two people, connected by the two people that raised them, and likely to drift apart after that connection dies—frayed ends of a tapestry pulling apart and unraveling. Dean gains a mom and a normal life, but metaphorically loses a brother and a sense of purpose. Who is Dean Winchester if he’s not a hunter and Sam’s brother? And the sad thing is, neither of these are traits Dean ever chose. They are conditions foisted upon him, perhaps not intentionally, such as in the case of Sam, but ultimately placed on his soul until they tethered themselves to the very core of what being Dean Winchester is supposed to mean. The end of the episode, and Dean’s choice to return to the real world, regardless of Sam waking him up, is Dean fully giving up his dream in order to save Sam and be a hunter. The fallacy of the episode is in the choice Dean makes, which the more I think about it, feels less like a choice and more of an inevitability but one compounded by Dean’s readiness and willingness to go with it.

This is where I get to the crux of my surprise with these first early seasons of Supernatural: Dean Motherfucking Winchester.

I don’t know what I was expecting from early seasons of Supernatural, especially with the context of the later seasons. Maybe an overly cheesy, early 2000s ode to roadtrip Americana with a self-reverential take on the classic gun slinging frontiersman of the Wild West and bad supernatural CGI. Not to say it isn’t that (shout out to Sam’s comment on Dean’s particular brand of butch), but what surprised me was how real the connection between the characters was manifested on screen and how much good will the show built up in the audience. There came a point where I sided with Dean so much in the events of the show that I felt like I was riding shotgun in the impala. I saw it with every compliant “yes, sir” he gave to John, with every teasing comment he threw at Sam, and with every act of selflessness he exhibited by protecting other people. This isn’t to say that Dean is perfect. Sometimes he doesn’t take things seriously enough, or he’s willing to sacrifice people for some misguided greater good, or he’s obsessed with saving Sam even when he wouldn’t be if it were anyone else, but Dean has a conviction so many people lack. He has the capacity to love at a great cost to himself, either because he believes himself unworthy of being loved or because he’s not used to anything else.

Jensen Ackles does such a good job at this portrayal and with such a different technique than Jared Padalecki. Ackles embodies the desperate need for self-assuredness that Dean breathes, as well as the genuine fear he has of being seen. I love laughing with Dean as much as I love screaming at him for how stupid he’s being. If Sam is the self-insert, then Dean is the tragic hero, although that comparison feels like a poor facsimile for what Dean Winchester truly is because I don’t particularly feel an overwhelming sense of pity at his state or at his hinted downfall with that demon deal. If anything, I feel a sense of indignation mixed with understanding and frustration that Dean can’t catch a break but at the end of it all, is just how he prefers it.

It shouldn’t be a shock to admit that even without knowing what happens from seasons 3 to 15, I know how Supernatural ends. Just thinking about the ending makes me wonder if I should even continue it past season 5, but that’s a decision for another time.

For now, there’s something unbearably tragic in seeing Dean Winchester so close to a chance of a normal life and apple pie happiness (something he really seems to desire no matter how much he denies it) and then having to give it up, not just because it’s not real, but because he believes it should never be real.

Dean Winchester deserves better.

[zenkindoflove]

Elain Archeron and Sansa Stark: A Comparison

I’ve been wanting to make this post for a while because I have seen a lot of similarities between Elain’s character and Sansa Stark (ASOIAF/GOT), not only in their mannerisms and narrative but the way that the fandom unfairly undermines and outright despises them. So, this post is going to be a bit of an exploration of both of their characters, speaking mostly to the ACOTAR fandom, to try and give some predictions I have about Elain’s narrative journey and lessons learned from Sansa’s narrative.

Elain and Sansa fit a very similar female character archetype in fantasy (and other fiction genres), which is that they are more traditionally feminine characters that conform to their roles as women in their patriarchal societies as compared to their counterparts who buck gender norms often by learning to fight. In particular, Elain and Sansa are often directly compared to their sisters who fit the more beloved sword-fighting, sassy, smart-mouthed heroines. What is important to this post, is that these characters are almost always heavily maligned and criticized by fandoms at large with critiques that are often rooted in misogyny, which fundamentally undervalues expressions of femininity and feminine roles. 

Both characters also have a lot of other similarities when it comes to their personalities, characteristics, and narratives. Both Elain and Sansa are obedient daughters who are described as sociable and make friends easily. They both are well-skilled in navigating courtly politics, and they begin their journeys as deep romantics, dreaming and wishing to fall in love. They’re both betrothed to men for political gain, and both undergo tragic and heartbreaking violations to their bodily autonomy. They are also both frequently undermined by characters’ in their stories, often underestimated in their strengths and abilities, and in both stories, those assumptions are proven wrong.

Now, we do not know where Elain’s journey is going, but we do Sansa’s, at least from the show. Sansa eventually finds her independence and her strength, taking back her ancestral home and being declared Queen in the North. She did not do this by becoming a warrior or a great battle commander. No, she did this by leaning into her political skills, inspiring nobles and armies to fight for her because of her name and what it represents. And when she had some power, leading her people and putting their care first, a narrative journey I hope to see for Elain coming into her own leadership position one day. 

One of the ways I wanted to outline drawing some of these parallels, is to break down some of the criticisms that Elain faces now that Sansa Stark also faced by fans. And if you are reading this and these criticisms are ones you have expressed, hopefully you reconsider your assumptions about Elain and where her story is going. 

Elain is boring. 

This accusation is often ascribed to Elain based on her interests and hobbies and refusal to participate in more traditionally masculine roles in the narrative (fighting, swordplay). Elain is often described as gardening, baking, helping with domestic duties, and purposely kept away from the political and adventurous parts of the narrative. And yet, this does not mean that in order for Elain to be interesting, she suddenly needs to be thrust into her own version of a training montage to start learning to use swords and daggers. Elain is a powerful Made Fae. She has one of the rarest abilities, being a Seer. She is deeply connected with the Koschei plot, as she was the one to see a vision of him, Vassa, and the other cursed women, which brought about Lucien’s journey to the continent and connecting that overall plot to what is happening in Prythian. It’s very likely her story will focus on her exploring her magic more, likely with Lucien, to figure out how to break Vassa’s curse and destroy Koschei once and for all - none of which requires her to actually become a warrior. 

Elain will become evil. 

Sansa too was often criticized as being boring by fans. They saw her struggles, being passed from cruel husband to cruel husband, as signs she was weak. Sansa was often directly compared to her sister Arya who was learning to fight with a sword and training as an assassin. But Sansa was undergoing a very different sort of training. We see her shed her sheltered POV of the world, and instead, became deeply involved in the politics of the game of thrones. She learns from several characters how to play the game and play it right, as she is one of the few characters to survive until the end, having a true hero’s journey of ascension. We see that she uses people’s assumptions that she is stupid and naive to their disadvantage, allowing their underestimation of her abilities to make them turn away from how she outsmarts them in the end. Elain is also hinted at being deeply intelligent, in ways that even her sisters seem to ignore. She is also described several times in ACOSF as being sneaky, foreshadowing that she will surprise her family based on their assumptions of her. Ultimately, I foresee Elain leaning into her courtly knowledge and social skills, much like Sansa, to push forward her own journey.

Elain and Sansa are also both very inward characters. When they are struggling, they are more quiet and unassuming, to disarm others and draw attention away from them. As we know from Sansa's POV chapters, she was constantly strategizing her pretty words to save her skin. And I think Elain similarly shows the world one side of her, but hides a rich and complex inner world that we won't see until we get her POV.

This critique - which is also not always presented as a critique but sometimes as a wish for Elain to become a villain so she might be more interesting to those who find her boring - is one that I really dislike. And one of the biggest reasons I dislike it is because I saw the exact same predictions thrown at Sansa crash and burn. Often fans would revel in the idea that “finally, Sansa can become interesting” if she were to turn into the next Cersei or Littlefinger. But we did not see that happen. Instead, we saw that Sansa clung to her compassion, empathy, and her Stark morality, while shedding the blind trust that put her father and brothers into so much danger. She took lessons from Cersei and Littlefinger, but rather than becoming them, she bested them. Especially Littlefinger, where she outsmarted him when he tried to turn her and her sister against each other, and ultimately is the one who passed his execution sentence, achieving justice for all the crimes he committed against her family and Westeros. Sansa did not let the brutalization of her body and spirit turn her against her family. She never betrayed them, even when she was wed to their worst enemies. Instead, she made it her priority to serve and represent the North and its interest in all things, including standing up to Dany, because she understood to hold the North, she must not bend to other rulers and respect all that the North had sacrificed for the Starks. 

Similarly, I do not see Elain betraying her family. There are several times she asserts her loyalty and insists that she wants to help them and their interests. I think her story will be more about being underestimated by her family and overlooked for leadership roles and her insight (as was Sansa) and this will push her to branch out on her own to discover who she is outside of her family and the expectations they have of her. But I do not think she will become the antagonist to them. Instead, I see her using her own strength to “save” them too in ways they would have never imagined that Elain can do. Sansa was not an outright antagonist to Jon, for example, though she often challenged him (which upset many fans, more on that later) because she believed her perspective was valuable. I see Elain's difference in how she sees the world and what she values being in similar disagreement with the Night Court, and her having to "prove" herself to them that she needs to be taken seriously.

Elain and Sansa are also very similar in that they both are described as abhorring violence. Sansa, in the end, does sometimes use violence as a means to an end, and even is shown enjoying Ramsey’s brutal execution by being eaten by his own dogs. Yet, Sansa is never shown to enjoy moments like these again (and of course this moment is most understandable given all the torture Ramsey put her and others through). Sansa does not lead with anger or brutality like Cersei. Rather, she shifts from a bright, sunny girl to an authoritative woman who ices out her enemies and shows kindness and warmth to her friends and subjects. To me, in keeping with character archetypes, I do not see Elain straying from this core feature of herself as well. I don’t see her desiring to follow in the footsteps of others who use torture and violence to extract information or to hurt others who have hurt her. I do think should Elain come into a position of political leadership, that like Sansa, she will care for the people (as she is already shown to do in Velaris and was known to do in the human lands) and when needed, show her steely, authoritative voice that is unbending (much like the infamous quote from Sansa in the books “my skin has turned from porcelain, to ivory, to steel”). 

Basically, female characters do not have to be either warriors or evil villains to be interesting. Sometimes, female characters who are kind, compassionate, intelligent, and full of hope can still have badass stories and stand as heroines in their own right while maintaining all of those characteristics. 

Elain is two-faced/bitchy/spoiled/selfish. 

Of course, the classic, when the feminine character does anything SLIGHTLY unsettling to the reader, she is hated and tons of stereotypically misogynistic insults are thrown at her. 

I will first off start by saying that when people say this about Elain, it is when she is essentially displaying behaviors that counter their first argument - that Elain is boring. When Elain is being compliant and nice to the other characters, she is called boring. When she very briefly, pushes back on them at all, these insults are hurled at her. I don’t even want to waste time breaking down why these are just comically unfair. Because the fact of the matter is is that every character in the book displays moments of being two-faced/bitchy/spoiled/selfish. And yet, it is Elain who is given these monikers as if they are core features of who she is. Other female characters in ACOTAR are also called these names. However, Elain faces the unique situation of only ever being boring or bitchy to those who dislike her. She can't win either way.

Sansa, of course, had all these insults hurled at her too. She was a traitor and two-faced for having a girlish crush on Joffrey when she was 13 (11 in the books) and literally betrothed, by her father, to a prince. When Sansa at all stands up to characters like Jon or Dany and disagrees with them or argues with their logic about how to handle different choices, she is bitchy, even though Sansa is often proved to be correct in her logic, hesitancy, and how she thinks politically. And of course, in line with the previous point about becoming evil, it was assumed that Sansa would be two-faced with her family. And yet, we saw, time and time again, Sansa was loyal to House Stark. Even the ultimate “sin” of Cersei guilting her to write to Robb about their Father being a “traitor” to the crown - Sansa did it because she thought it was one way she could save her father’s life. Basically, Sansa’s crime was being a girl who didn’t win the audience over by being spunky like her sister. Sansa’s crime was her naivete early on - when she was only a child, and it haunted her throughout the entire series and how fans saw her. Even though, out of every character in the books/show, Sansa at her core, is the one who represents the audience the most. She is the most removed from the magical storylines. The way she lives her life is closer to our own modern way of living than any of the warriors or magical characters in their world. Sansa represents who we would be if we were suddenly thrust into a fantasy story - defenseless and easily abused. But most readers and watchers want to see who they are not, rather than follow a story of who they actually could be and what strength might follow. 

What I want to see from Elain’s story:

Following the lessons of staying true to my girl, Sansa, I hope that Elain, like Sansa, finds her own way in the empathy, kindness, and social skills that she has - along with exploring her powers. Now, as Elain is in a romance, and not a dystopian fantasy like Sansa is, her ending will have a HEA with her love interest. Sansa became Queen in the North, it’s true. But she has no love interest. Her family is all scattered. And there is a bit of a coldness to her now. Many suspect that she will play more of a Queen Elizabeth I role in her rule and never marry, as to keep House Stark as House Stark. But if she were to marry, it will likely be a political alliance, though, my hope is she will find love in it. Because while Sansa might have had her dreams dashed at an early age, I truly hope for the sake of that little romantic girl, she can find love after all the hurt she had to experience. 

Elain will end up with a romance at the end of her story. And I think harkening to her character archetype and who suits her narrative best, it will of course be with her mate, Lucien, who mirrors her characteristics, values, and morals the most. I imagine for them a story where they act as courtiers, helping piece back together Spring, working on alliances with the human lands, and eventually, once Lucien learns of his heritage, finding another home in the Day Court (though I do imagine them to be life-long travelers, making many friends and allies across Prythian and the continent together - as Elain always wanted to travel). Similar to how Sansa used her political intelligence and compassion for her people, I see Elain and Lucien as well using their courtier/emissary skills and knowledge and devotion to serving the people of the courts, putting diplomacy first, to heal a broken and divided world. I think especially the alliance with humans will be so important for Elain’s journey. Where Elain has struggled the most with no longer being human, Lucien has been immersing himself in human culture and political interests. And once they are ready to start their journey, I think both putting their heads together will be invaluable in representing both the interests of the Fae and the humans. I also think Lucien has more invested interest, as her mate, to push her to explore her powers rather than dismiss her ever exploring them like those in the Night Court do. Lucien’s connections through the world can also help her find ways to find the information she needs to learn more about being a Seer and whatever else is going on with her. He also has his own personal experience with exploring and learning of his multitude of powers as well, including what it means to suppress and hide them, as I suspect Elain has been doing. Where Sansa had to prove herself to every character in the story to take her seriously and respect her, I think the one person who has always and will always believe in Elain is the person who has a soul-to-soul connection with her. Who puts her and her needs before his own, and will serve as her devoted sworn shield (cries in Sansan) to fight for her if need be. 

Also maybe I wish and hope for the unlikely Lucien and Elain as High King and High Queen narrative which would fit so perfectly to Sansa’s own rise, but I suspect SJM won’t go in that direction.

Anyways, if you made it to the end, thanks for reading my desperate need to get all these parallels out of my head. I have adored Sansa since I first watched the show in 2011 and fell even more in love with her when I read the books in 2013. I have been defending her to nasty people ever since, and when I joined the ACOTAR fandom, the way people criticized Elain felt SO familiar. Which of course it did. These kinds of criticisms do not stop with Sansa and Elain. Most characters like them are disliked for being soft women with big hearts who are vulnerable to cruel people in their worlds.  

[sidekick-hero]

Scene from I wore his jacket for the longest time (excerpt under the cut) steddie | 58k | explicit

The last time they did this, they were just two kind-of-friends trying to drown out the memories of what they had been through together. At least that was the original plan. Steve couldn't have known that that night would change his life forever.

He can still picture it perfectly.

They had parked on the same ledge overlooking the quarry where they were now parked, the sky full of stars above them. They could see for miles, something their jittery minds still needed to feel at ease. Steve had grabbed each of them a beer and told Eddie to join him as he climbed on the hood of his Beemer. Eddie had followed hesitantly, cautious not to damage Steve's car, and it had made Steve smile at the consideration and care for his belongings, something that the kids never showed. They had settled against the windshield, shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm, thigh to thigh. It had been a cold night for May, so Steve could tell himself that it had been for warmth, and he kept telling himself that as he kept shivering every time their bodies brushed against each other.

They drank their beers and shared a joint that Eddie had brought with him. Eddie had been loose and energetic, listening to Steve tell a story about a customer at the video store, laughing out loud and carefree at the mental picture Steve was painting for him. He always did that; he always laughed at Steve's joke, even when the kids said it was lame, he always listened to Steve's stories, no matter how mundane and boring. And he had been so goddamn beautiful in that moment, the moon casting shadows across his face, deepening the wrinkles around his laughing eyes and the dimples right next to his full lips, and Steve had just kissed the laughter right from his mouth, desperate to know what it would taste like. After that, things got hazy and before either of them knew it, Steve was in Eddie's lap, kissing each other senselessly, drowning out any thoughts they might have had, any worries about later, after; bound only to this moment and this moment alone.

It's incredible how much can change in a single moment. If Steve knew then what he knows now, he could have been with Eddie all these years, he could have prevented so much pain and heartbreak. It's a bittersweet thought, but if Steve knows anything, it's that you can't change the past, you can only move forward. After all, everything that had happened since their first kiss had brought them here.

Shaking his head to clear his mind, Steve steps out of the past and onto the hood to sit right next to Eddie, passing him one of the beers. This time, when he settles down against the windshield, he presses himself against the other man for no other reason than to enjoy his closeness.

They sit there, both lost in thought, quietly sipping their beers and gazing at the stars above. It's a comfortable silence they share, peaceful.

Eddie finishes his beer first and leans to the left to set the bottle on the ground, and even though Steve still has some left in his, he follows suit, freeing his hands and mouth from holding anything but Eddie.

"Hey," Eddie starts, and pulls Steve's hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of it, "thanks for today. I never imagined you taking me to a fair of all places."

Steve uses the hand Eddie is holding to draw him closer, bringing their lips together in a chaste kiss. "You're welcome. Everything you remember it being?"

Eddie hums to himself. "Nah," he says, nudging Steve's nose with his own and smiles, "it was a hell of a lot better than I remember."

"Did you have a favorite part?" Steve asks, leaning back against the windshield and pulling Eddie down to lie against him. His arms wrap around Eddie’s middle and Eddie interlaces their hands above his heart as they both look up at the stars.

Eddie presses a kiss to Steve's neck, as if he can't stop himself from touching, a feeling Steve is incredibly familiar with. "Nope. Everything was perfect. Not a single thing I'd change. Right down to the fact that you took me to the place where we first kissed, you incurable romantic.”

Steve turns to look at Eddie and finds soft eyes looking at him with something like wonder. He wants to be looked at like that for the rest of his life, and the words pop into Steve's head again, as they have a hundred times before, but this time they slip right past the fond smile on his face and out into the open, "I love you.”

Eddie sits up abruptly to look at him and Steve's eyes widen with the realization of his slip-up. "Shit," he curses in a flustered voice as he turns to face Eddie, "Please, just forget that I said that. It wasn't the right moment, and I know it's way too soon to say that, but -"

Eddie cups his cheek and cuts him off as he pulls him in for a deep kiss, instantly calming Steve's nerves. Eddie licks into his mouth, pressing impossibly closer, as if chasing those words to their roots and Steve gets lost in the kiss.

Eddie pulls away from his lips, just far enough to look into Steve's eyes, hands still on either side of his face. "I love you too."

Steve blinks at Eddie, his eyes still dazed from their kiss. "You - you do?" The wonder is thick in his voice, but there's already a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Eddie shakes his head, giving him a look that seems to say, I can't believe you don't know this. "Of course I do. Already did the last time that you brought me here. I've loved you for six years, Steve."

Six years. He reels at that, seeing the Steve of six years ago sitting on his car with this beautiful, incredible boy who loved him but wouldn't, couldn’t tell him he loved him. He starts to tremble at the thought, "I'm sorry it took me this long to say it then."

Eddie reaches over and touches Steve's face reverently, looking at him as if he holds all the answers. "Don't be sorry, just c'mere," he says, and Steve does. He feels something settle in his chest, his heart taking root in his body, love blooming like spring flowers as he leans over Eddie and kisses another I love you into his waiting mouth.

This beautiful piece of art is my birthday present to my platonic writing soulmate, my favorite cookie in the whole cookie jar, the sweetest and fiercest friend you could ever ask for, @legitcookie.

Jen, I know you love our fic as much as I do, so I wanted you to see one of our all-time favorite scenes come to life. I love you. Thank you for being you and for being my friend. Happy Birthday, my dear. May the coming year in your life be filled with peace and quiet, wonder and love, laughter and luck. You deserve it all and more.

Thank you, @maikaartwork for the wonderful commission work 💜

[julibellule]

“Hey,” Stede whispers. “You awake?”

“Mm.”

Stede draws a long, deep breath. It’s a content and sleepy sound, and Ed mimics it.

“I meant to say earlier,” Stede says quietly, “that I hope you don’t think I’m doing all of this for any reason other than to show you how much I love you. I don’t want you to feel bought or anything.”

It’s said so casually, Ed almost doesn’t catch it. But he does. He does because it sounds strange to his ears. Like a song he’s never heard before, but knows he will be obsessed with for the rest of his life.

“I just… honestly, there’s a lot I haven’t told you about my upbringing because– well, it’s not fun to talk about. And I haven’t exactly wanted to dig it up and examine it myself. Except I’ve started going to therapy again because… Oh, Ed. It’s so difficult to explain. I just know that what we have is amazing– or at least, I feel it is– and I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to lose you. So I’m going to therapy and I’m going to give you everything. Everything you could ever want or need. Because–” Stede’s head still lays on Ed’s chest, face turned away. His voice goes quieter and he pauses with a measured breath. “-- I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to get bored of me and leave. I think I’d survive the heartbreak of it, but I don’t want to have to. Not when– this is the happiest and most me I’ve ever been.”

With that, Stede swallows, throat clicking painfully, and releases a long sigh. Ed watches him in the half-dark. Stede brings the heel of his hand to one of his eyes and sighs again.

“Hey,” Ed says.

He sits up. Stede moves to allow it, and ends up sitting among the sheets like a little boy waking up from a nightmare. His bottom lip trembles. Ed’s never seen him look anywhere near despondent, let alone upset. His heart jerks with sympathy and adoration and so many things Ed can’t put a name to. He takes Stede’s face in both his hands, cradling it, trying to imbue him with all that he has. Ed doesn’t have much, but he has everything for Stede.

“Hey,” he repeats in a whisper. “I love you too.”

Stede blinks, brow twitching into a frown as if he’s misheard. And then his face crumples. “Really?”

“Really. Since the very beginning, mate. All of this is amazing. Best day of my life and all that. But you could literally talk to me about boring lawyer shit all day and I’d love it. I’m not going anywhere.”

>>> Click here for more BlackBonnet fic recs <<<

[angelasscribbles]

The Crown and the Shield Chapter 5: Two Can Play

Series: The Crown and the Shield

Fandom: The Royal Romance

Pairings: Constantine x Jackson

Word Count: 699

Rating: PG

Warnings for this chapter: None

My other stuff: Master List.

The night before the royal wedding…

“You’ve been nursing that for a while. Wanna talk about whatever it is?”

Jackson glanced up to find an attractive young woman with dark hair and amber eyes smiling at him.

“Not really,” he turned back to his whiskey.

“Rude.” She took the bar stool next to him anyway, “You could at least tell me your name.”

With a resigned sigh he turned back to face her, “You’re not going to stop talking until I do, are you?”

“Not a chance,” she laughed, “You clearly need cheering up and I’m bored so make this easy on yourself and just let me have it.”

He snorted with frustrated amusement as he extended his hand, “Fine. Jackson Walker, at your service.”

She took it with a triumphant grin, “Bianca Throckmorton, at yours.”

“You’re American?” He guessed correctly. Throckmorton. That must make her the daughter of United States Senator Franklin Throckmorton. He spent enough time as Constantine’s primary guard to recognize all the important players.

“Yes,” she laughed, “Here with my father for the royal wedding. Thinking about staying for the summer.”

Ah, yes, the royal wedding. The source of his current misery. He had to suffer through his lover’s marriage to another for a second time.

It was too much. Constantine was asking too much of him. “I need another drink. Want one?”

Two hours and an indeterminate number of drinks later, he found himself enjoying her company. Or maybe it was the combination of liquor and heartbreak that drove him into her arms. Either way, after one last bitter glance at Constantine and Eleanor wrapped up with each other on the dance floor, he stumbled out of the ballroom with her.

Three months later….

Constantine pulled at his own hair in anguish, “Jack, no! You can’t marry her!”

“Why can’t I, Connie? You’re married!”

“That’s different!”

“Not fucking really.”

“What about us? This will make it even harder to-“

“I told you she’s pregnant, Connie! I grew up without a father, I can’t do that to my own child!”

“You can be there for the child without marrying the mother!”

“You married Eleanor for Leo’s sake! How can you expect me to do less for my own child?”

“But she was going to leave if I didn’t! She was going to go home to Auvernall!”

“And Bianca will go home to America at the end of the summer if I don’t propose!”

“Have you even considered what marrying her will do to us?”

Jackson spun on him in fury, “How fucking dare you!”

“Wha-“

“You have a wife and a child with another on the way! You would deny me the same chance to have a family of my own?”

“It’s not the same thing at all!”

“How is it different?” Jackson demanded.

“You know why I had to-“

“I do know but I also know that every night you sleep next to your wife and son while I sleep alone! I’m lonely, Connie!”

“So am I! Trust me, being married to someone you don’t love is worse than being alone!”

“It can’t be,” he shook his head, “I don’t believe you and besides, I do love her, not like I love you, but I love her. She’s been there for me. And she wants me…that’s enough for me.”

Constantine staggered under the weight of those words. I do love her. He shook his head in denial, refusing to believe it. “You love me!”

Jackson stepped into him, cupping his face between his hands, “I do love you! You’re my fucking heart! But she’s carrying my child. I thought you, of all people, would understand. Support me in this, just as I’ve always supported you!”

Constantine stared back into the eyes of the man he loved as his sense of logic and fairness warred with the grief that threatened to pull him under.

Now he understood exactly what he had put Jackson through, not once, but twice.

He blinked back his tears, sucked in a shaky breath, and nodded.

“Thank you,” Jackson whispered before drawing him closer and placing a lingering kiss on his lips.

Then he spun on his heel and was gone.

[blue-grama]

Boston x Nick x Dan (and/or Boeing or literally anyone else, I don't care)

Look, I don't know if it's just because I love my little wiretapper with heart of gold (or at least, like... silver. bronze. tin?) and want him to have all his options, but my OT3 in Only Friends is officially Nick/Boston/a copy of The Ethical Slut. COME ON GUYS LET YOUR CHARACTER GROWTH BE 'SLUTTING AROUND BUT 95% LESS ANGST ABOUT IT.' The window is rapidly closing on this and the temporary boyfriend thing is fine/sweet. I don't hate it. But hear me out. Boeing, having struck out in his quest to fuck things up with Sand and Ray, moves on to Boston and Nick like those aliens in Independence Day that bounce from planet to planet ravaging everything.

Does he draw energy from this? Is he just really bored? Just kidding, I don't care why this is happening.

Anyway, he shows Boston something ✨shocking✨about Nick, like, I don't know, a picture of him with Dan? Whatever.

And Boston is just like, uh huh, we hook up most Thursdays. Want me to send you a calendar invite?

This would be both funny and hot and I think it would be good for everyone. Allow me to elaborate:

Dan: When he first showed up, I was like, ah, boss, older guy, watch out Nick!! But turns out Nick's the heartbreaker and Dan's the shyer, less-experienced sweetheart. He deserves to go a little wild. The whole experience will be slightly bewildering to him but he'll have a great time and look back on it fondly for the rest of his life.

Nick: Already covered. Nick is perfect and deserves whoever he wants. Moving on.

Boston: Boston gets to continue being a slut in a protected environment where people will stop fucking trying to blackmail him. Dan's a cinnamon roll, so no worries there, and Nick can handle vetting anyone else they invite over. Boston needs an executive assistant for his sex life and I believe Nick has the requisite skills.

Boeing: I think this only happens once, but Nick and Boston can stage an elaborate fake break-up melodrama for his benefit afterward, which can satisfy Boeing's inexplicable need to fuck something up so he can Independence Day off to another friend group. Ray will be grateful Boston provided the distraction to keep Boeing away from Sand, paving the way for Boston and Ray to reconcile. (This is the kind of squaring the circle genius you get from mentally plotting too much fanfic, you're welcome.)

In conclusion, none of this will happen but I'm still holding out a little hope for a surprisingly low-drama, mutally enjoyable NickBostonBoeing threesome, because that would also be funny.

[thatgirl4815]

I sent a very similar ask to bird-inacage, so sorry if you see this twice. But I have been looking for someone to flail at this about and I thought of you both because I like your SandRay takes! I was thinking about the two clips from next week's preview and also the fight in Sand's apartment from the trailer and I have a theory for how I would like it to go down. What I am hoping will happen (but I am doubtful because when has this show ever given Ray and Sand the least painful option?) is: After Sand shuts down Ray's friendship request after he and Mew enter their boyfriend era, and then Ray has his little jealous fit at the party, Ray goes to Sand's place to try to talk him into maintaining their current dynamic with the intention of keeping Sand on the hook, because the way Sand treats him makes him feel good. Maybe he even whips out that "If you're my friend you must take care of me in every way" line again? Sand finally draws a line with the "Do you think I have no dignity?" line from the OST and lays out that he wants a boyfriend or nothing. Which leads to Ray having another jealousy/entitlement-fuelled meltdown and hitting back that he doesn't want to be Sand's boyfriend and his life is going down the toilet since he met Sand anyway and honestly probably calls him a whore again because he is currently committed to being The Worst. Anyway, as painful as that would be, I hope it happens before Mew inevitably drops him, because it would give us a) Sand having a backbone, which I have missed and b) a nice ironic foundation for when Sand's ex eventually shows up and Ray gets to have a full-bore jealous meltdown over it and hopefully actually take a good hard look at his feelings and choices for once.

Hi! Thank you for the compliment--being at all compared to @bird-inacage is an enormous compliment in and of itself :)

As far as your theory goes: yes, I definitely think the SandRay apartment fight will be easier to move past the sooner it happens. I'm kind of at odds with myself, because while I find Ray's possessiveness of Sand very toxic, it also makes for a lot of juicy drama AND the potential for him to finally come to terms with why he feels so possessive at all. At the same time, I desperately need Sand to put his foot down like you said. It seems like Sand has been fighting for Ray this entire time, but I want Ray to fight for Sand.

What this all boils down to is whether or not Ray sees Sand as more than a distraction. I'd argue that he does, based on all of the development we have seen between the two of them thus far that goes beyond Sand's caretaking behavior. There's a foundation there, and I think that's easy to overlook with this whole RayMew cloud hanging over us. In other words: it's easy to believe Ray doesn't care about Sand now that he has Mew, but beneath all of his arrogance and selfishness, I think Ray does care. And I'm gonna go with that until I'm proven wrong, for my own sanity, haha.

Your theory makes me wonder where the last bathtub scene fits in?:

Because they appear to be in an okay-place here, holding hands and all, so I wonder if we'll see that before the big apartment fight? Hopefully it comes after. And the 'I won't let you walk away' scene at the school...I go back and forth between thinking that scene comes before the apartment fight or after.

All in all, I really like that theory and think we could see a sequence of events that follows that pretty closely, though knowing the writers they will give us maximum heartbreak. We are not safe from part 4/4--everything bad seems to go down there. Ray will likely run after Sand next ep as soon as he thinks his hold on Sand is slipping, but that'll only lead to more arguments between them. It's the perfect opportunity to Sand to stand up for himself like he did in Ep4.

Finally, what's the deal with Ray calling Sand a whore anyway? I understand it's a dirty insult, but it's ironic coming from him, who offered to pay Sand to sleep with him (which he very clearly refused) and has been the one instigating their sexual relationship ever since. But maybe that's the point.

Anyways, I love reading theories, particularly hopeful ones (I need some of that right now lol), so thank you for thinking of me! :)

[scrapyardboyfriends]

The truth is there simply wasn't any other reason to bring Aaron back. If Robert returning is not part of the plan, which brings numerous storylines with him, there is no point to Aaron's return. I know people are saying it's a steady paycheck for Danny, and true, but he was so clearly bored at the end of his stint I just think they had to sell him something more than that. Also the Dryan pub date is still there as well. They are both demons and knew exactly what they were doing when they posted that pic. I was very hesitant to believe it and you could sort of excuse the other mentions away. There was no need for today's and even the most casual viewer caught the unspoken Robert in that scene.

I like that a non mention is what has us all riled up again. Haha. I'm like "yes! This proves it!". Oh dear.

I mean I definitely don't think "Angry Aaron" is what brought Danny back. Steady paycheck maybe, but he keeps saying "it's fun to play for a while" every time "Angry Aaron" is brought up and that makes me feel like he's waiting for what comes next. The "next chapter" if you will.

Now, could they actually be competent producers and carve out a new life and purpose for Aaron and actually put in the effort to set him up with friends and eventually a real new love interest with real story and not just shoving him at whatever character they happen to have lying around (Ethan), sure? But I obviously have zero faith in their ability to do that. Like I don't think there's no point to Aaron returning without Robert, it's just obviously my preference that he does eventually come with a Robert return. I mean he's been a bit of an overused character in the misery department so there's definitely less wells to draw from at this point, not that they don't love a misery fest, but he's still a long running character with a lot of history. If they wanted to build a new life for him, they could. And if they put in the work, I'd be willing to give it a try. I just think they like being lazy more and bringing back Robron would certainly allow them to rest on the history with less establishing work. I think they'd like that. And obviously so would we, win win.

And yeah, there was the "next chapter" pub meet up that is still unaccounted for in terms of what that next chapter is. And the fact that no one has shut down a Robert return. And we have these mentions. And I obviously feel like Robert and Robron elevate Aaron's character and would find the continuation of that more interesting than him starting from scratch. Although four years and more heartbreak later, it's less of a frustrating idea than in the Ben era.

Also the fact that all of this Angry Aaron stuff feels like they're biding their time and giving him something to do for a while until they get Ryan back. Because even if this cancer story reconnects him with Chas and he goes on an apology tour and gets let back in the family yet again, there's still sort of a "what now" kind of feeling. Robert is still one of the things he's lost. And yeah he can fix things with family and get a new little sister to hang out with and maybe make a friend in Mack or Ethan or Billy etc but he's decided he's done with all forms of love in general because of losing Liv and everything else and that this is the way he won't get hurt, which is bullshit as we know. But I feel like the last part of the equation is a love interest and repairing his relationship with Robert would certainly provide a good long running story to do that.

It would also generate a lot of hype and they love nothing more than hype these days.

So anyway...we all want it. I just hope we actually get it.

[lhoandbehold]

Balloonomania Part I: Putting the mania in, well, balloonomania

A collection of my balloonomania posts got more notes than I expected them to (see: more than, like, 10) and a fair few tags of people saying they wanted to hear more. I can’t deny people who want to hear about balloons anything, so I thought I wanted to do a little series for whenever I maybe have an hour and don’t want to Draw. (This is a long post but I promise there's a dirty balloon joke at the end if that's what you're into).

Why do I care about the early days of ballooning so much? Well, one thing about me, is I’m a little guy who LOVES when history is silly. And hot air balloon history is extremely silly. This was a time of SO much fuss. Here are some highlights

Humans took to the skies powered by the smell of burning old shoes and rotten meat.

The Montgolfier brothers launched the first ever hot air balloon in 1783 (in front of an audience at least). It worked very well all things considered, but it’s worth nothing that the Montgolfier brothers were the sons of an affluent paper-maker, NOT scientists. They had figured out that hot air had the capacity for lifting pieces of paper and cloth, but not actually why. What they thought was going on was that a particularly thick and solid smoke was able to induce the lift-off they needed. So they ‘invented’ what they named ‘Montgolfier gas’, a particularly vile recipe for thick black smoke. Burn some wet straw, old shoes and spoiled meat and bob’s your uncle. Take-off! (Hydrogen had been discovered like 20 years prior and other actual scientists basically immediately starting implementing hydrogen in their balloons, but the first launches? Stinky) 

Hot air balloons were all the rage, right away 

It’s hard to understate the absolute strangle-hold hot air balloons had on particularly France and England very early on. Sept. 19, 1783, the brothers launched their famous ‘manned’ hot air balloon (the passengers were a sheep, a duck and a rooster, who, yes, were all fine in the end) to an audience of yes, King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette and a whopping 130.000 spectators. When Vincenzo Lunardi (gentleman, heartbreaker, lover of cats) launched his first balloon on british soil in 1784,  it was to an audience of 150.000 people. Again, this was in the late 1700’s. An estimated 1 million people lived in London at the time. Not all balloon launches in the coming years would have such wild accumulations of crowd come witness them, but they were often times still very big, very anticipated events.

Anywhere you look? BALLOONS 

Contemporary accounts describe it as the balloon madness. The frenzy. The rage. 

And aside from the staggering number of people willing to stand around and watch a balloon take off (or fail to) I think a lot of these adjectives are the result of an interesting overlap between an early culture of consumerism and Balloonomania. 

Not only was being a balloonist an entire business model. Charging subscriptions for people to come see your launches, branding yourself as a rockstar personality (again, VIncenzo Lunardi would have women come up to him and tell him they had written his names on their garters)  - there was also balloon merch. Fucking. Everywhere.

Balloon images were appearing on almanacs, on waistcoats, in bonnets, in sleeves and in hairstyles. Dishes were being named after balloonists as well as aerial concepts . 

And if you were bored of buying physical things? Hey, you could sing one of the songs about balloons. Or read a poem about balloons (for all the goths out there Percy Shelley wrote at least one poem about balloons). Or why not pick up a book heavily featuring balloons as a plotpoint. Or go to the theatre! Where they will awkwardly incorporate balloons into their plays, just to draw in an audience. One play even marketed themselves as having a real inflated balloon on stage. Of course, this particular play was canceled on opening night due to it’s ‘offensive and dangerous nature’, turns out having an open fire burning consistently in a small, crowded room is a bad idea (especially if that fire was made according to the recipe of Montgolfier gas).

And of course… the riots. 

The problem with the fact that if a balloon launch didn’t take off successfully, it would often-time instigate a riot is that I don’t have time to get into the details of all the many, many balloon launch riots. This will require an entire post onto itself, honestly. So sit tight - but the balloon riots were real, and not a one-off events. 

And for what? 

The funniest and silliest thing about balloons (and gods, there are so many to choose from) is the way they were actually pretty useless. 

So much of Europe was daydreaming about how balloons would revolutionise travel, military and social life. Girls would be able to sneak out of their houses to MAKE OUT WITH BOYS. Boys would be able to sneak into girls houses to MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS. You would need to instate balloon police to catch all the robbers fleeing in their balloons! Balloons would make the basis of crafts taking scientists to the most remote corners of the earth, and armies would be able to flood cities over night. Well, you might have noticed, this world was never one we got to live in. Most of all because balloons are so incredibly difficult to steer, even today.To the extent that when they first invented a balloon you could navigate with, they literally named it ‘balloon we can actually navigate with’ (dirigible balloon). How do you sneak out for your hot make out session with your boy if even just having the balloon take off isn’t a given, let alone directing its path?  

So for a couple of very interesting years, the people of northern europe were gripped in the balloon frenzy, but what balloons really did was spark imagination. Human flight was possible! What on earth could be next?

Anyway, as a treat for making it all this way down, here's a drawing of Vincenzo Lunardi looking exactly like the kind of 18th century heartthrob that would make people write his name on their underwear

And here's a contemporary drawing aimed at him which is, yes, a dick joke

[rodolfoparras]

wahh there was a big storm and the power was out all day and night D: luckily everything is okay but I was dying of boredom and my drawing tablet had only 15% when the power went out😔💔

however I've been thinking of my black butler ocs a lot so I've made some changes to them :3

For the reaper, he loves making people confused about his gender, like he prefers he/him but if someone uses she/her, he just goes along with it and will be like "awe you think I'm a pretty lady? Aren't you sweet ~" which confuses ppl more😋

also his death scythe isn't actually the sniper rifle, it's the bullets !!! Realized the death scythes actually do have to be gardening tools or like landscaping tools. So basically his rifle shoots mini death scythe shovels as bullets !!! William hates it very much and doesn't understand how it got approved. He also has a hand held scythe for up close combat if needed !!

And poor cupid has some tragic changes😔 he falls head over heels for Sebastian, however, Sebastian really would never love him back, he's a demon bound to his contract. He really only cares about Ciel's soul and his job as a butler. If Sebastian ever did "love" him back, it would merely be so Ciel has another pawn :(

However !!! after his heartbreak, cupid oc eventually moves on and falls in love with the William :3 an odd couple but they get along very well

-🌱

Nooo I can only imagine how boring it must’ve been😭 this made me think of how sometimes in the future the internet may suddenly disappear for weeks and I’m like ok what will I do in the meanwhile and sure I can read books but my books are fanfics on ao3😭

I love that for him!! Because what’s wrong with being a pretty lady every once a while good for him!

Wait the fact that the bullets are mini shovels is so fucking creative what the hell😭 William accidentally getting grazed with one of them and cursing everyone and anyone out 😭

It’s okay Cupid!! There are plenty fish in the sea:( AHH I DIDNT SEE THE LAST PARAGRAPH I’m so happy Cupid got a happy ending too!!

[foxfacedd]

impressed

—send IMPRESSED for a scene from my muse's past in which they tried to impress someone, successfully or not

"Is that yours?" Jeremy asks, pointing at a guitar Mike's left in the corner.

"Huh? Oh, yeah," Mike says, propping himself up on an elbow briefly to see it. They're in bed together, Mike halfway through a bowl. Jeremy's not as familiar with the drug, but didn't decline trying it out himself. They've been like this for a while now, letting the time slip away from them, talking about everything and nothing all at once together.

"I didn't know you knew you– knew how to..." Jeremy trails off. It's a bit of a repetitive sentence, and Mike's well aware of Jeremy's struggle with words. His head's probably all foggy too at this point, so he doesn't blame him for slightly giving up.

"I mean, barely," Mike says. "I know some stuff." He stands from the bed and picks it up. It's a glossy black electric guitar, with silver frets that stand out against the dark fingerboard.

"I wasn't really allowed to be loud at home," he tells Jeremy. "Didn't stop me from putting my music on as loud as I could whenever my dad wasn't home." He chuckles, looking down at the guitar. "I always wanted to learn, and be in a band like the ones I listened to. Soon as I moved out, I got this. Never got that good at it, though."

"I'm sure you're good," Jeremy says. He pats the space on the bed next to him. "Play something."

Mike isn't sure anything he plays will be any good, but he's definitely going to try. He plugs the guitar into its amp and drags both closer to the bed, sitting next to Jeremy. "Any requests?"

Jeremy ponders the question, longer than anyone else might, but Mike is used to this now, too. He knows all Jeremy really needs is a little patience– ever since his "accident," he's never quite been as quick on the draw as he used to be. Not that Mike knew him before it, but... Because of that, he still feels a bit like an asshole for thinking Jeremy was weird when they'd first met. Who cares if he talks slow, or takes extra time to process stuff? When he does get around to speaking, it's always insightful. He knows how not to waste words, much better than Mike does, at least.

"...What's that one song," Jeremy says finally. "The, ah... the one by AC/DC."

Mike scoffs. "Thunderstruck?"

"Yeah."

"I c–" He's about to protest that it's too difficult, but realizes if he pulls this off, he would look so fucking cool in front of him. "Okay. Watch this."

Mike starts to play the song, those famous arpeggios, and he honestly starts better than he expected to. Maybe it's just muscle memory, he figures. No matter if he's rusty, as long as he doesn't think about it too hard he'll– aw fuck he's thought about it too hard and now he messed up.

Jeremy laughs. Another quirk of his– he never quite figured out how to emote right again after his injury. Most of the time, his face looks somewhere between bored and sleepy, but Mike has come to learn the subtle things Jeremy does to express his emotions in other ways. When he laughs, it's the easiest. It's the only time Mike sees the corners of his mouth curl up, even if just slightly. A happiness so strong it moves even Jeremy's face... and it's caused by Mike. What a thought.

"Listen, man, I'm high," Mike excuses, feeling his face flush a little. "Totally not my fault."

"Play something else," Jeremy suggests.

"Yeah, watch," Mike says, and starts playing a different riff. "Heartbreaker. Led Zeppelin."

"Play the solo," Jeremy says.

"No," Mike responds plainly. They both know well enough how difficult that solo is.

Jeremy laughs again, and Mike can't hide his stupid smile this time. Jeremy's happiness, all because of him– his stupid shitty guitar playing? Maybe his mere presence is enough to make Jeremy happy. Jeremy's presence is enough for Mike, he knows.

Moments like this make Mike question why he's so hesitant to just... kiss the guy already. Call him his. But the idea of making whatever it is they have any more real than this... he doesn't know why, but it scares him. He just isn't ready.

But here, being with Jeremy, laughing with him... does it matter what they call their relationship? They make each other happy. Maybe that's all that matters.

[gayspock]

ok im lbing this bc we're not gonna get more for a long time

ok initial thoughts: zombies by the cranberries sent me a little loopy. im sorry. its a heartbreaking song, its a heartbreaking scene. but playing those both together is the funniest fucking thing you could do ever. heavens

second thoughts: i know there was a lotof, like, backlash abt the last ep regarding the present day girlies "giving in to lottie so easily" so its funny to see them ppl owned so early. LOL. although this cant end well and i have already been spoiled and i will say i saw that coming sort of but thought "no they wouldnt do that... tht sucks" but anyways

THIRD thoughts and last time im gonna open a thought with that: literally i said all that, but i know last week ppl also complaine saying they didnt "explain the game well enough" which i thought was stupid bc if they sat there and did thatd be clunky and dumb and ruin the horror of it so now misty is just exposition dumping to lottie im like for gods sake. and in some ways i do kinda get what theyre trying to do with it (misty would be frank about it and clear and etc) but i still think its just a bit alrighhttt alrighttt to watch

this is making me feel sick...

SHAUNA BEING THE DESIGNATED BUTCHER TOO... heavens and a bit.

TH

NOT THE DESIGNATED T...

this is so fucking crazy

HER COVERING HER EYES. I AM SICK. YOU KNOW WHEN THE WET, BIG BROWN PUPPY DOG EYES ARE GONE THE WORLD IS DARK AND CRUEL

ok but seeing trav crying over havi like that . meanwhile shauna was fucking sobbing with jackies corpse holding it for months. everything in the world mental

UGHHH FUCKING WALTERRRRR

SORRY IVE MADE MY FEELINGS CLEAR. I DO NOT LIKE HIS FUNCTION AS A CHARACTER. I THINK MISTY'S ARC WOULD BE SO MUCH FUCKING STRONGER WITHOUT HIM. GET MORE CREATIVE. YOU DONT NEED HIM . and its like hes not bad hes fine but its so annoying that they give him more FUCKING ATTENTION THAN FUCKING NAT AT THIS POINT

plus her dynamic with nat is so much better

i love adult shauna scheming. always gets them into a bit of a pickle. classic!

COACH BEN COMING BACK TO STIUATIONS IS FUCKING UNFATHOMABLY F- NATALIE WHAT HAPPENED

I FIGURED OUT WHERE HAVI WAS HIDING

DOES ANYONE HEAR HIM

YOURE N

I FEEL SICK

his little gorgeous babygirl tear.

coach ben your gay ass needs to move fast before the second most homophobic fast food chain after chick fil a opens up in the canadian wilderness with a limited menu of #1 fucking d

FUCK OFF ELIJAH WOODFUCK OFF KEVYN THIS IS SICK. UGHHHH YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST.

UGH

THIS WHOLE CONVO IS SO BORING IM ASLEEP WORST GUYS IN THE WORLD FUCK OFF THERES NO WAY WE'RE WASTING TIME ON THESE GUYS WHEN THERE'S LITERAL GIRLS EATING GIRLS

"A COVEN OF THEM ALL UP TO NO GOOD" OK that kinda ruled

JEFF WIN JEFF WIN JEFF WIN HIS BIGGG JEFFING COCK FUCKING RULES . NO JEFFING ABOUT.

YOU KILLED HIM?

OKAY jeff is raising the bar here im happy with jeff and walter jeffing and waltering and jaltering and weffing

is weffing something sexual it sounds sexual i hope to god not

shauna is so mother making a meal for the family 😊

THE WOBBLY HEART . MY GOD. DONT- DONT GIVE IT TO TRAVIS. DONT FUCKING LOOK AT HIM WITH THE WOBBLY HEART. COME ON BRO.

hes

um

raw.....

this is a little um

god the crazy parallels of lottie in the past fucking ruined over the ritual and lottie of the present being the most caught up in it. hellaur

IF YOU MAKE CALLIE DEAL WITH THAT ROTTEN COP I'LL KILL US ALL

SHAUNA DRAWING THE CARD?

"IT WAS JUST US!" "is there a difference?" EXACTLY. SAY THAT AT THE FUCKING C- SORRY BUT THEIR SLOW ASS RUNNING MADE ME LOSE IT

TH

THE TRUNK OF THE FUCKING CAR HELP THATS SO FUNNYYYY KEVYNNNNNN

CALLIE WITH A GUN

HI... OK. BUT THE ... OK IS ANYONE GOING CRAZY RIGHT NOW

i mean other than the girlies in animal masks in th e woods

lottie: everybo-

SHUT UP ITS CRAZY EVERY TIME THEY CUT FROM A FUTURE SCENE TO A PAST SCENE I GO STUPID IN THE HEAD

lottie: can you fucking kill me

lottie: can you fucking kill me and can i also elect the next girl president

ANTLER QUEEN?

NATALIE?

YOU MAKE ME SICK

YOU MAKE ME SICK THERES NOWAYYYYYYY

NATALIE NO MY SEET SWEETBABYGIRL

HEY

HI

AND HELLO

LISA....

LISA. NO. SURELY NOT.

OH MY GOD

NATALIE YOU ARE SO....

the nattielot stocks are literall crazy the nattielot stocks are literally in turmoil its like a rollercoaster its literally a thrillride they blow your brain right out up and down and round and round til your FUCKING BRAIN COMES OUT YOUR NOSE AS DINNER SURPRISE

travis......................

my god natalie atalie no NA QUEEN CA RD QU

NM

M

M

M

M

M

HI AND HELLO AND HI

SORRY . THATS TISTE DTHIS IS TWISTED THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING THING EVER IM ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS EVERYBODY VETTER FUCKING KILL

STOP PLAYING RADIOHEAD AND SLOWMOING HER FUCKING DEATH IS THERE NO FUCKING DIGNIT

NO THIS IS

YOU ALL.... ARE THE WORST.....

I HATE MY STUPID FUCKING EXISTENCE

ITS NOT EVIL ITS JUST HU

THE NATLOTTIE STOCKS JUST BURST

I FEEL ILL I HATE MY ST- NOT THE DRUG OVERDOSE. COME ON . I JSUT WANT TO FUCKING CRY THIS ALL FUCKING SUCCKS.

walter: um...... >_<

you guys fucking suck sending her there i know i know theres so few options but fu- VAN. PUT THOSE BIG WET EYES AWAY. PUT THAT AWE-INDUCED WET SMILE AWAY. COME ON GIRL. PULL IT TOGETHER

hey shauna

most normal girl in the world

coach ben said FUCK women. WOW. ALRIGHT. i mean it was... RIGHT LIKE HE?

HE SERIOUSLY JUST DECIDED FUCK THESE GIRLS OH MY GOD YES TYHIS IS THE FUCKING ENDING I WANTED

van being the last out vantler queen when?

THIS IS FUCKING NUTS

altrnateively the wilderness being like :/ you didnt need to do that to havi guys....

ANYWAYS GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

[just-two-blokes]

The Thomas Barrow Storyline in season five

Disclaimer: These are just my personal thoughts and ideas. I really liked the storyline in the fifth season but I do think that it is kinda overlooked and I just want to put some of my thoughts out here.

CW: Discussion about Thomas' suicide attempt and conversion therapy

I know that everyone is constantly talking about Thomas' storyline in the sixth season, because it is his toughest season and his suicide attempt is truly heartbreaking. But I do think people tend to forget about his storyline in the fifth season.

The two main problems (in my eyes) why this season is so often overlooked are the following:

Thomas trying to kill himself in the sixth season is such a sad, tragic and shocking turn of events that it instantly comes to mind as soon as you think of the character. And since the whole sixth season was a very sad season for Thomas, it is often seen as his "darkest" season. It completely overshadows the fifth season.

The second reason is that it is never clearly stated what really happened in season five. I have seen a lot of people on the internet who didn't even understand what Thomas was doing to himself in these episodes.

I think its important to know that Thomas was not just trying to play some fun little game with these injections. He was actively participating in a so called "conversion therapy" in order to "fix" his sexuality. Why? Because he thought he couldn't be happy the way he was. This probably happened because Jimmy (and therefore his only friend) left DA and everyone else around him was kinda coupled up or had at least a lot of friends in DA.

As a queer person myself who has struggled a long time until I managed to accept my sexuality, this storyline just hits different. My heart breaks evertime at this one line from Thomas.

'To change me. To make me more like other people. Other men'

I do live in a country where conversion therapy still legal (A lot of people would consider my country as a very modern country but believe me... there is some stuff that really needs to be resolved) and I tremble at the mere thought of all the people who went or are still going through this hell. And my country is certainly not the only one thats still going on with this.

Therefore, I wanted to shout out to this storyline. It isn't a useless or boring story. It is the story of Thomas Barrow trying to change who he is in order to live a happier life. But in the end, he seems to realize (and maybe also accept) that there is no drug or electric shock that achieves what he wants. And I do believe that in the end of the season, he is much more contempt and perhaps also a bit "confident" about who he is.

The storyline of this season isn't a boring or useless storyline. It shapes Thomas character and shows him, that he cannot change who he is.

'There is no drug or electric shock that achieves what you want'

Thomas has to come to terms that he cannot change his sexuality and he learns to embrace and perhaps also accept it up to some point. And I do think that his conversation with Phyllis helps him in this way.

'It shows that you are a very brave person'

Phyllis is not judging him or is making fun of him. She comforts him when he needs it and is not disgusted of it. I also believe that this is the storyline that draws Thomas closer to Phyllis and let their bond get stronger. It builds a great foundation for their storyline in the next season.

I don't believe that him being gay was one of the reasons why Thomas attempted suicide a season later. The sixth season was terrible to Thomas.

His colleagues kept him from Andy because they thought he would try something "indecent".

Andy himself was harsh and unkind to Thomas because everyone warned him about Thomas.

Thomas just wanted a friend and really tried hard helping Andy how to read. And how was he rewarded? Well.. you know for yourself.

Carson pressured Thomas into finding a new position even though the times were already a disaster for people in service.

These were all factors that led Thomas to do what he did. But I don't believe that it was his sexuality itself that made him try to commit suicide. Because he kinda lerned to accept it one season before.

Okay, I'm done. I just wanted to write down my thoughts on this story because it kinda haunts me and because the writing itself in this season is so subtle that it can easily be overlooked. I just wanted to give some credit to the fifth season because the storyline is one of my favourites.

Addition: I just checked google and apparently some people submitted a so called "Initiative" to ban conversion therapies in my country. So if we're lucky, we will be able to vote for it and I hope that at least the majority of my people got enough brain to vote 'yes' (to ban it ofc).

[pepperyduck]

everlasting memory - aki hayakawa

synopsis: you're not meant to love someone like him, he has to let you go.

word count: 2.2k

warnings: kinda spoilers, breakup, hurt with not a lot of comfort, mentions of aki dying + being in love with makima, one (1) mention of himeno, female reader

notes: this is my first fic on here sorry if it sucks </3, tried my best though. also thinking of making a part 2 where he comes back. mdni

as always much love and let me know what u think!!

masterlist

               you and aki sat upon his balcony, a cigarette loosely hanging from his fingers as the both of you watch the hustle of the streets below. the wind was cool outside, every so often running through your hair, and periodically blowing a puff of aki’s cigarette smoke into your face. everything was calm sitting on the balcony with him, legs dangling off the side as your head rested on his shoulder. this was a routine at this point, every morning you’d sit with him before he was called into work. today, though, no devils needed slaying, since you had spent hours outside with him at this point, in pure and comfortable silence with him.

                “hey,” aki speaks up, breaking the previous hours of silence, breath hitching in his throat once he spoke. you can feel an odd tone in his voice, nervousness, maybe? it was out of the ordinary, no matter what, although he had only spoken one word.

                “hmm?” you hum, head not leaving his shoulder, as he takes a quick drag from his cigarette. aki’s silent for a moment after your reply, and you can feel him tense up.

                “i don’t think i should be with you anymore.”

                the statement takes you by surprise – after months of being together, things seemed perfect with aki. you had truly never loved anyone more than him, ever, despite his job and all the cons that came along with it, controlling most parts of his everyday life with you. despite the fact you knew he was going to die in a year’s time. despite the fact he knew you loved him more than anyone, or anything else in this world.

                “huh- what?” you stutter, hoping you misheard him, lifting your head from him to look at him with concerned eyes, “what do you mean?”

                “i don’t deserve to be with you…and you don’t deserve to be held down by me,” he says matter-of-factly, not removing his gaze from the city in front of you. you didn’t mishear – he was leaving you. and at this point, it was like he couldn’t bear to look at you. like he was ashamed to be doing such a thing to you.

                “aki- why? where is this coming from? i don’t understand,” your voice turns shaky. you want to turn defensive immediately. but something stops you from doing so. something in his voice, the way he told you he was leaving, is causing you to hold back the simmering hurtful emotions you’re feeling. his voice is filled with remorse.

                “i think it’s better we just leave it at that. i told you a long time ago, things wouldn’t last,” aki retorts, defensiveness becoming apparent, taking another bored drag of his cigarette.

                “wait,” you say, trying to find any words, “aki…” your mind draws a blank, and aki’s eyes flash over to you for a second, noticing your increasingly saddened expression. you knew things wouldn’t last, but you told him you’d be there until the end. aki accepted your companionship with open arms.

                “there’s a reason…but you’ll hate me forever for telling you. i’m saving you from more heartbreak than necessary,” aki tells you, looking back down to the sidewalk below. you’re taken aback, needing many seconds to formulate something to say to him.

                “tell me, aki,” you say, words coming out as a choked whisper.

                “if that’s what you really want,” he replies, puffing on his cigarette for a brief second before speaking again, “i don’t deserve for you to love me. you’re truly the only person i’ve ever let get this close to me, since himeno. and i didn’t date her,” he continues.

                you’re still at a loss, nothing he’s saying to you is making an ounce of sense…you don’t just break up with someone that loves you so intensely because you don’t deserve it. his words are absurd to you.

                “and,” aki resumes, “i’m in love with makima…always have been, always will be. and there’s nothing i can do to stop it.”

                oh.

                “so…it’s true?” you whisper, voice cracking with sadness, but aki gives no reply. but you knew it was true. it was such an odd rumor to make up, about makima forcing people to fall for her – but it was true, all along. and aki was one of her victims. your boyfriend of several months, the first man you had ever loved so deeply, so passionately and profoundly, was in love with someone else the whole time.

                your heart begins to crack – no – it’s fully shattered now, into a million pieces that not even aki could put back together. nothing he can say now would fix this.

                aki looks over at you now, genuine sadness in his eyes. “i think…” he pauses, “i think i really did love you. but it’s unfair…you deserve better than to be some distraction for me. a distraction to hide my real feelings,” he says. aki’s chest tightened at his confession, not wanting to hurt you any more than he needed to – but a small part of him thought you deserved the truth, too. and boy, did the truth hurt.

                “okay…” you reply, failing to say anything else for the time being. you look away from aki. you think about everything that he’s done for you, all the dates, all the ‘i love you’s you exchanged. and it was all a lie? your stoic, noble devil hunter was a liar. the thought made you burn with anger, but every other emotion you felt was overpowered by pure sorrow. aki was letting you go, after all this time.

               but you loved still loved him. that was something you could never deny. you had an absolute admiration for the man, even since before you met him properly. aki was a hero, a noble man with strict ideals, anyone would be lucky to have such a person by their side. you believed that with all your heart, even now, as he was tearing it apart.

                “perhaps, in another life,” aki mumbles, eyes still focused on you.

                “aki…” you trail off, attempting to shut him up, you can’t take anything else from him right now, “…it’s okay, aki.”  you finally tell him, not daring to look at his intense stare. you can see his face drop from the corner of your eyes, and inside, his chest began to tighten even more. emotions swirled within him, like a shaken soda can about to explode, but he couldn’t do anything to open it up.

               it’s okay? it’s…okay?

                now that he’s come clean, told you he was lying to you this whole time, you still seem to forgive him. that’s what he doesn’t deserve from you, and he knows it. aki will never be deserving of the love you give him, and he will never be capable of showing such love, either. but, he still tried for you. and that’s all you can think of – him trying to make you happy. and he did an excellent job of doing so.

                but, until the day that makima is a dead woman – or until the day aki himself is dead – he will always be under her spell, unable to think about anyone but her. he’s forever destined to only love her.

                “you…are you serious?” aki asks you. he can’t seem to say anything else for the time being, the air grows heavier by the second after he speaks. and yet, he doesn’t want you to say anything.

                “i’m really upset with you, really angry you’d put me through this after all we’ve been through,” you begin, looking back over at aki, “but…i’m never going to love someone like i love you, aki. that’s one thing i’m sure of. i love you too much, even now, to just scream at you and leave. i told you that i’d love you until the day you die,” you admit, giving aki a weak smile.

                he’s got a look of shock on his face, almost, mouth gaped open slightly as the cigarette that rested between his fingers had rolled off somewhere. and the truth speaks in his mind once again: he will never deserve your love. and even though he wishes – prays up and down every day – that he could just love you, he knows the task is impossible. aki always thought you deserved better; you were better than a fake relationship with him. you were capable of showing so much love, and you had poured all of it into him…and selfishly, he took it all.

               the both of you look out to the city again, still unable to move or say anything, and a sense of familiarity falls over both of your bodies. you let out a sigh and rest your head against aki’s shoulder once more. and he doesn’t stop you or push you away, he just wishes things could be this way forever. peaceful…and he soon realizes this will be the last time life is this good for him. in a few minutes, he’ll lose you – the girl that loves him so much, until the earth’s end, and the girl he actually tried to be with for a change. you’re the girl he wanted to love, marry someday, if it was possible.

                “hey, aki,” you break the silence this time.

                “yes?”

                “did you really love me?” you question, doubts of the whole relationship rush through your head. you think it’s a stupid question, but you need to know.

                aki huffs, and stays silent for a second before replying to you, “i think i did…even if it was only for a small time. i think, if it wasn’t for makima, we would be perfect.” he says. but his statements just shatter his own heart more, knowing it’s impossible for your relationship to ever be perfect. ultimately, it’s his fault, too.

                “can you promise me something?” you ask.

                aki knows after the whole relationship, he should owe you a lot of things, so one promise won’t hurt.

                “of course, anything,” aki’s tone is genuine, still looking out into the city with you.

                “if makima dies, if she dies before you…if she ever lets you out of her spell, will you find me again? will you try with me again?” you request. it’s all you’ll ever want; for aki to be yours, if it’s ever possible. it’s an unachievable task, at this point, many others have tried before. but deep down, you just hoped you could finally be the one.

                “i promise,” aki’s voice turns shaky, “i promise, you’ll be the first person i find if she ever lets me go.” he swears to you. aki never takes promises lightly, so you know he means what he says. you will be the first person he finds. his promise upsets you, although it’s what you asked for. because, you really know the truth.

                “i think i might move cities, go someplace else,” you change the subject, lifting your head from aki’s shoulder. aki knows you deserve somewhere bigger, somewhere with more opportunities than the city he held you in, crawling with devils.

                aki notices you slowly inching away from him, preparing to leave him, and he reaches out to take your hand before you can stand up. you stare at him, his movements surprising you after the previous conversation, and he doesn’t want to let you go.

                “can i…” he mutters, “can i kiss you, one last time?” aki asks. he’s cupping your face with his other hand, pulling you in slowly as you nod. he takes a brief moment to soak in your looks for the last time, the way your shimmery eyes were broken now, and how your bottom lip slightly quivered as if you could break down into tears at any moment. aki can tell you’re heartbroken, even more than him, but still allowing him to show you affection one more time. he pulls you in more, planting a kiss on your soft lips, and it’s desperate. it’s a needy, love-filled, genuine kiss, one the both of you will never forget. he removes his mouth from yours for only a second, before coming back in with the same desperation, tangling his fingers in your hair as he allows a singular tear to fall from his left eye. it wets your face, too, as you keep your lips locked with his, the both of you wishing things didn’t have to end this way. but they did.

                 once you initiate to pull away, he knows it’s all over. aki knows he won’t ever be able to return to you again, unless by some chance his entire world changes. he thinks about asking you to stay, just a little bit longer, to not leave him just yet. but he also understands it’s for the best, he needs to let you go just as you need to leave him. aki watches you with teary eyes as you slowly get up, relishing in the lingering feeling of your touch, hoping it would never go away the further you walk away from him, not bothering to collect any of your things.

                “hey, aki?” you say, reaching the door to rest your hand on the handle, turning back to look at him for the final time. a heavy sigh of air leaves your lungs.

                “yes?” he replies, eyes locking with you, hoping maybe you’ll walk away from the door, and choose to still love him after everything he’s put you through. but those dreams come crashing down as soon as his apartment door clicks open.

                your last words to aki are sincere, a heavy weight in your chest lifted once you utter them before stepping out of his door into a different life. you smile at him.

               “i’ll never forget you.”