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ask-the-guiding-light-cast · 5 years

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Any plans after the end, amby?

The short answer is I don’t know. The long answer is that it’s complicated and there’s something I need to confess after this break:

I am not a medical researcher. My actual current “job” is... a medical student. As in, I’m in med school. Trying to get an MD degree and use it for a career. The truth is that I started posting Guiding Light during, like, my second week in med school. The entire time I’ve been plodding along, trying to keep my regular upload schedule, I’ve been attending classes and studying for a variety of exams.

Why did I never mention it? I honestly thought that, given my health issues, I’d wind up pulling out after one semester. Buuuut that didn’t end up happening. I’m now at a point where it makes more sense for me to finish the degree, despite (and because of) my ongoing health issues. See, I’m American, and have to deal with the American health insurance system. Without insurance, it would cost me well over $100,000 a year to manage my conditions. But high-ranking health care professionals like doctors frequently have very good insurance plans. With my student health plan, for example, I typically only have to pay about $500 a year for assorted medications, doctor visits, and chemo infusions. I’m not willing to take the risk of moving out of the medical field and finding out my insurance isn’t good enough to cover my health care costs enough for me to live comfortably with whatever salary I put in.

“But, wait, Amby. Isn’t med school expensive? How can you afford things like art commissions if you’re a student?” you say. A lot of it came down to luck and I’m not comfortable discussing it publicly. If you’re really curious, you can DM me, I guess. But I digress.

Even now, there’s a voice in my head telling me fic-writing just isn’t do able for someone in my position. The counterargument that I always use is the popular nuzlocke comic Myths of Unova, which ran from 2011-2017. The creator, kylee/kynimdraws is an MD/Ph.D. student — which typically requires 7-8 years of school, whereas MD students attend for four years — and worked on the comic while working toward her degree. She’s also heavily involved in the Korean Overwatch League.

The problem for me was that I didn’t know how to pace myself properly. At first, I would write about 1000 words every day, typically before my classes started. But when the second year began, things changed. The amount of material I had to go through left me too physically and mentally exhausted to sit down and write. I just wanted to do mindless things like watch TV.

It’s really my fault. I didn’t expect the fic to get much in the way of attention, but I also thought the best way to get feedback was to A) offer comments on other people’s stories, and B) keep a regular update schedule. The former worked pretty well for Serebii, while the latter led to people noticing the fic on FFN.

I don’t know the ages of most of my readers. But because second year sapped so much of my time and energy, I wound up in a position where I couldn’t keep writing and follow all the fics I was following. I really wanted to finish Guiding Light, so I focused my attention on it. As a result, there are a lot of fics by talented authors — a few of whom gave me advice earlier on that really helped me improve — that I just couldn’t keep up with anymore. I’d tag them all, but I don’t want to shock them out of nowhere. Many of them are around my age and also busy themselves. Hence, I understand why they can’t read my stuff, either. I just feel guilty about all of it.

When the FFN version gained more attention, I honestly felt pressured to keep updating and to try and force myself to write. I figured the people reading were younger (as in, still in school) and, if I didn’t update, they’d go find another fic to look at. I think I even said this before, but one of the reasons I started the blog was in the hopes that it’d spur my writing efforts, but the results were... mixed. And this was all before I got extremely sick in April/May and gave myself a stress ulcer.

It’s also part of why I ask people to comment on the story. In school, I rarely get any feedback unless I screw something up. My self-esteem sucked to begin with, so it’s hard to stay motivated and keep up with my coursework when there isn’t any positive reinforcement. And I expect that to get worse when I move into my clinical work starting in January.

It’s also why I’m desperate to finish drafting the fic this year. Not because of Gen VIII, but because once I move into the clinic, I will have a lot less time on my hands. It will be very difficult for me to keep up you guys, even through something like Discord. The fact that I’m drafting the final episode is definitely helping my motivation, but feedback and comments from others are undeniably a good source of positive reinforcement for any artist. Even a sentence or two can make someone’s day.

So, as for what the future holds, I really don’t know. I’d like to write other things, but that’s going to depend a lot on what my life looks like in 2020 and beyond. I wish I could’ve found the courage to join the fanfic community at a younger age, instead of silently reading. But I didn’t. If I do write anything beyond the end of Guiding Light, it will be smaller-scale pieces. Fewer battles. Shorter battles. Fluffy pieces. Quiet moments between characters. Maybe some silly stuff. I don’t really know. We’ll see what happens.

In the meantime, my big hope is that I can end the fic in a way that makes you all happy. I had a range of ending options planned, but finally settled on one a few months back. I’m very worried it will be poorly-received, which is why I’m doing the best I can with these chapters.

So, thank you to everyone who’s offered support. Here’s hoping you like the final episode.

#ooc #rant #future plans #anon

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meowloudly15 · 6 years

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Stranded: Day 1 - PIGEON SWARM

Hey, guys! It's meowloudly15 at the helm! And today, I've got for you the start of a story that I've been working on for the past month and a half! It feels so great to finally get it out there! I mean, I'm not done writing it, but still, you know that feeling, right?

I saw Into the Spider-Verse the day after Christmas. I was already in love with Butch!Gwen, and the movie did nothing but help. But one thing about her origin story made me think. If she showed up to Brooklyn a week before the collider accident happened, what did she do during that week? And how did she really find her way to Miles?

Those were the questions that I sought to answer by writing this fic.

I'm currently set to post chapters twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays. Here's hoping that I can actually stick to a schedule for once in my life.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Spiderman: Into the Spider-Verse or any related characters. I am using them without permission. Please don't sue me.

I hope you like it!

NOTE: Chapters are also posted on my FFN and AO3 accounts! See the title page for more information!

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PERSONS TAKING NOTICE

Gwen slowly elevated herself to a sitting position on the solid concrete, rubbing her aching head. She breathed a sigh of relief upon noting that she was still wearing her Spider-Woman mask and costume, because people were gawking at her crash landing. At least, that was what she assumed her spider-sense was warning her about.

Gwen scanned the area and noticed a disheveled man propping himself up from his seat on the stoop of an apartment building and looking her way. She also noticed a stained brown paper bag lying on the ground next to him. With any luck, the man would dismiss her as just being a drunken hallucination or some fashion of specter. She didn't see any other people nearby, so she presumed it safe to remain visible.

UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY

Right. Where on earth was she?

Was she on Earth?

Gwen stood up and studied the somehow familiar yet unfamiliar landscape. There was something about it that made it appear almost unrealistic. The city resembled Connecticut City, but was it?

It was a different dimension, wasn't it. Gwen remembered what her spider-sense had repeated over and over as it went haywire right before she was sucked into the, uh... the weird bubbly thing. It kept saying "INTERDIMENSIONAL TRANSPORTATION IMMINENT". If that wasn't a tip-off, she didn't know what was.

She ought to ask someone about where she was. But Gwen couldn't go talk to people at random while she was in her costume. They'd freak out.

RISK OF NUDITY

Right. She didn't have street clothes. They were back at her house, wherever that might be. She'd have to get some somehow.

Gwen rummaged through her pockets, taking inventory. Extra web fluid; very important... phone; hopefully she'd get service... driver's license; probably not valid here... house keys; she hoped she'd be home by curfew but kind of doubted it... a notepad and pen; tools of the trade... earbuds… aha! Money!

Only seven bucks worth of it!

The stores here might not even accept her cash. Gwen sighed.

She could steal something.

Gwen clenched her fists. There really wasn't any other way, was there?

IMPENDING MORAL CRISIS

"Thanks a lot," Gwen muttered under her breath, "but I already saw that coming."

And she needed to get a wallet, too, Gwen thought as she stuffed the crumpled bills back into her pocket. But that could wait.

She had to find a store. In the process, she could explore this place.

There was also a lot of other weird feedback from her spider-sense, Gwen recalled as she shot a webline towards the nearest street sign (it read "Wideway", which wasn't the name of any street that she knew of) and swung into the city. Something about "HAIR-RELATED CRISIS", and "PIGEON SWARM", and "LOZENGE BOMBARDMENT", and "BLOODY PREDICAMENT". She shrugged them off as her spider-sense just going haywire from the extreme duress that she was un-

PIGEON SWARM

Gwen looked up and found herself just feet away from a flock of pigeons which was headed straight towards her. She yelped in a rather undignified fashion and dodged between the startled birds, somehow managing to navigate through with only a few scratches.

Okay, maybe the spider-sense was right that one time. But it was just a coincidence. Wasn't it?

Gwen sighed and continued to web-swing, searching for a store as she traveled.

What the... Bold Navy?

Gwen swung to the building, clinging to its face and crawling down to peer in the shop windows. There were racks of clothes and mannequins inside. A few shoppers and clerks milled through the brightly-lit aisles.

Huh. This place must have been this universe's version of Gold Navy.

So what was the plan, what was the plan?

SHOPPERS INCOMING

Gwen flinched and crawled backwards to avoid being noticed by two young women who were emerging from the store. She had half a mind to steal the clothes from their bags, but she didn't know if they would be the right size or not. Instead, she vaulted through the automatic doors and clung to the wall above it inside the store, staying out of range of the cameras.

The shoppers were another thing that her spider-sense had warned her about while going through the bubbles.

Two coincidences?

Maybe they weren't coincidences, Gwen wondered.

There was no time to think about that. She needed to steal herself some clothes.

But Gwen still hesitated, more out of nerves than anything. Should she be here?

INCONCLUSIVE

She sighed. She was here already; she might as well get it over with.

Gwen clambered across the white-painted rafters on the ceiling, looking for something that she would wear while also avoiding the people passing beneath her.

Nobody ever looked up. But it was best to stay safe.

That grey shirt looked decent. Gwen used a webline to snag it from a pile, slightly disturbing the clothes to either side. She held it up to herself. A bit small, but it would fit well enough.

A little further down, Gwen spotted pairs of khaki pants. She snatched one up, then returned it to the shelf upon realising that it was the wrong size. This time checking the label, she grabbed the correct one.

Gwen grabbed a jean jacket and backpack to complete her ensemble and had started to stuff the clothes in the pack when she remembered that she had to take off the dye tags. She crawled back to the front of the store and took a tag remover, using it to pull off the tags and promptly returning it to its proper location.

Gwen put the clothes away and took out her notepad, scribbling a quick message to the Bold Navy employees and firing it down to the checkout counter with a webshot. It read:

"I took some clothes from your store and I'm sorry but I needed them urgently. I'll pay you back asap. SW"

Gwen was about to leave when she realised that she needed different shoes. She couldn't run around town in teal ballet slippers. She hurriedly snatched a pair of blue sneakers before swinging out of the store.

She landed on a nearby rooftop, searching for cover in which to don her new outfit, and spotted a stairwell entrance. That would be perfect.

PERSONS TAKING NOTICE

Gwen threw herself to the ground, anxiously glancing around for whomever might be looking at her. She saw nobody but still commando-crawled to take shelter behind the stairwell. She threw on the outfit on top of her costume, replacing her ballet slippers with the sneakers, and tossed her mask, gloves, and slippers into the bag. Standing up, Gwen examined herself as she tore the price tags off of her clothes, casting them onto the ground. The pants fit surprisingly well, as did the jacket, which also conveniently concealed her hood and web-shooters, but the shirt was a bit tight and the sneakers were far too loose.

She was ready to go down and brave the city.

GUARD ON WATCH

Gwen opened the stairwell door and almost immediately found herself staring down a security guard. She froze in place.

RUN NOW

Gwen obediently turned tail and fled. The guard exclaimed and ran after her, waving his baton and flashlight.

Gwen's feet slipped inside her oversize sneakers as she rounded a corner, heading towards another rooftop. The new shoes were only slowing her down; at least she was still running comparatively quickly, thanks to her super speed. She propelled herself to the next roof, her feet sliding as she jumped and reducing her traction on the ledge. She landed awkwardly on the raised lip of the other roof and rolled onto the gravel rooftop just below before the guard could see where she had gone.

Gwen watched a flashlight beam pass over her head, waver from side to side, then vanish. She heard the distant crunch of boots on gravel receding and a man muttering something.

She'd be caught if she stayed up here much longer, Gwen knew. But she couldn't exactly go wall-crawling down buildings in civilian garb.

What if she asked the security guard where she was?

Then again, she was wearing stolen property. And she was trespassing. Gwen did not want to risk getting arrested.

ATOMIC DISJUNCTION

What in the ever-living heck did that mean?

Gwen was seized with a violent tremor, like an electric shock but extending through every inch of her body. She convulsed as startlingly bright colours flashed before her vision. She shrieked involuntarily through clenched teeth.

The strange seizure ended as abruptly as it had begun. Gwen was left with only a pounding headache for her troubles.

Through her rapidly receding pain, she heard louder, faster crunches of gravel and a man distantly saying, "... someone on the roof, some girl just yelled. Probably the same one. I'm checking it out."

Gwen stood up on unsteady legs and started to run. Her newly-stolen backpack thumped uncomfortably against her torso. She leaped to the next roof, tripped, and fell on her face not far from its edge.

She picked herself up but froze in the blinding glare of a flashlight. Holding the flashlight was the same security guard that she had run into previously. Gwen must have jumped onto the first building in her confusion.

She figured she already knew the answer but wanted to ask just to be safe: should she be here?

NOT A CHANCE

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#spidergwen #spider gwen #ghost spider #gwen stacy #spiderverse #fanfic #fic #fanfiction #spiderverse fanfiction #into the spiderverse #spiderman into the spiderverse #writing #stranded #stranded fanfic

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internetremix · 6 years

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Did any of you guys go to art college or art school? If so, do you have any advice for that? (Portfolio, applying, all that nonsense.)

Hi anon! Kristen here, this has been sitting in our askbox for a bit and now I finally have time to answer it. Warning this is very long, as are most things I type. I’m also gonna hit up other Artsy IR members to see if they have any thoughts.

I went to art college- Kendall College of Art and Design, starting back in 2008 and graduated in 2012. I went for traditional illustration because I wanted to do children’s books, though I also self-taught myself digital illustration and applied a lot of what I learned to said digital work. I have a Bachelor’s degree, yaaaay.First of all, if you really want to go into art as a career, there are some things you should consider. 10 years out from when I applied to art school, we’re living in a different world. Art school is a lot of money and student loans are a monster I’ll be stuck battling for some time... and now-a-days, that stuff isn’t really necessary. There are a variety of online tutorials and courses you can take for free or for considerably cheaper. There are thousands of art communities, and with hard work and good networking you can make it just as far if not farther than someone with a degree. We’re very much in an age where being a self-made entrepreneur is considerably easier than it ever was before. So you need to throughly consider if the price tag is worth it to you.Art school does do a few things. A good school should have some solid foundational classes that give you the chance to experiment in everything and often force you to do so. If I hadn’t gone to art school, I probably wouldn’t have tried traditional watercolor work at all, and that’s what got me my first serious illustration job. Also a good school should give you access to professors who have been in your industry who can give you solid advice and also, gasp, connections.

Connections are a pretty vital thing, especially depending on what you want to go into. I’m not an expect on animation, but from what I know a lot of people who are currently working in the field got their start at California Institute of the Arts. Depending on where you are in the world, if you’re in a hotspot for whatever industry you want to go into, a big name school can be a major help for you. If you don’t really live in a place where that’s an option, i.e. you’re me and you live in the void Michigan, you’re not paying for as many networking opportunities, so you may want to seriously consider if art school is worth it.

Art school also gives you the benefit to really focus on art hard if you play your cards right. I was able to go it full time due to grants and scholarships, which was intense but definitely pushed me through some major improvements. However, I knew other students who worked full time on top of being in school full time, and they didn’t get as much out of it. The big thing about art school, as is the case with any school, is you really only get what you put into it. Your professor can show you all the techniques in the world, but until you know what that technique feels like in your own hands, it’s useless.If you decide to go for a school, be sure to look into things like post-graduation hiring rates. Also ask current students there how they feel about the school- depending on the department at Kendall, people had very different things to say and they weren’t always positive. Thoroughly consider where you want to specialize, different schools will have different specialities even if they supposedly offer a bit of everything.

If you’re unsure on your speciality, that’s okay! Definitely still take foundational classes either online or perhaps at a community college. The more you experiment, the closer you will get to finding what you want, and that will make art school a lot more useful to you when you decide to enroll.

If you ever take any art class, ever, and it’s something you want to do for a career, take that shit seriously. I know I said up there “you get what you put into it” but I gotta say it again. My first year of art school I was going through a lot (not entirely my fault) but I also took several classes not terribly seriously because I was like “whatever man I don’t want to do this, this isn’t my major.” In retrospect I thoroughly regret not paying more attention in those classes, because those foundations would have helped a lot with struggles I had later on. If you want to do art as a career, you gotta REALLY want it and you gotta really focus.

I can’t really tell you if art school is right for you or not. I personally don’t regret my time there or my slightly scary debt, but I also benefitted from some grants to make my loans at least manageable and a number of other factors have gotten me to the point where I’m a full time freelance illustrator.If you decide to go for art school, check the portfolio requirements for every place you apply to. Different places will have different requirements. For me, I was required to have over half my work showing off my various foundational skills- still lifes are good, life drawing is good, oooh look ma I can use pastels AND I’ve got a tablet and can do digital stuff wowowowowow. I was told to try to keep anything cartoony/stylized down to a few pieces- unless you’ve received A TON of positive feedback about your personal style I wouldn’t use it too much because you’re probably still developing and that style’s gonna change A TON as you go through school.

Keep an eye on the acceptance rate at the school. If it’s EXTREMELY HIGH, that may show a lack of standards. This is actually bad because this means the school is basically letting people show up, taking their money, and then going “welp here’s your degree, good luck somehow getting a job in an EXTREMELY competitive field.”

Another thing you may want to ask is hey, how well does this school prepare you for marketing yourself once you get out of school. Most people I know who graduated from Kendall don’t have art jobs, and the primary reason for this is our teaching for self-marketing was really not great.

Whether you decide to go to art school or not, here’s some stuff you should really be working on if you want to go into art or get better at it:

FIGURE DRAWING plz. Please do figure drawing. Honestly, the more realistic you do with this, the better. “But Kristen I wanna do cartoons!” I get it, I do too. However, learning realistic anatomy actually benefits cartoony stuff a lot. Once you get a feel for how something actually works and is proportioned, it’s easier to exaggerate and adjust proportions without making it look weird. Draw a figure standing enough times and you’ll get a feel for how weight is positioned, and that means when you make those legs noodles they won’t look awkward. This website is a great tool for online figure drawing work for you to practice on your own, I highly recommend it! Or sit down and do it with a friend, it’s fun!“But Kristen, figure drawing is booooori-” Then once you’re done drawing the figure, make it a character. I actually have a lot of figure drawing and gestures that I turned into IR characters because I’m very cool.PRACTICE DIFFERENT BODY SHAPES BOYOPERSPECTIVE This one I am a lot worse at. But this has some good points on perspective. What I like to do is find a photo of a room or something and try to draw it to the best of my ability, then add my OCs to it. I LOATHE the perspective part but it’s good practice and usually at the end you have a nice day-in-the-life kinda feel to things, it’s like “wow my characters exist in a world instead of white space amazing.”Do some COLOR SWATCH CHALLENGES!

Also just... try everything. Even stuff you hate the first time. I hated watercolor when I first did it, but as I said before, that’s what I got my first job doing.

Above all else, make sure you draw every day. If you want to do art as a career or just want to get better at the hobby- the difference between someone who makes this thing a career and someone who doesn’t is the person who cares about it so much that they make time for art even when life is chaos around them.

I have other thoughts but this is long enough as is. Uh, thanks for coming to my TED Talk and I hope you find this useful, haha.-Kristen

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doktorcrimson · 7 years

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I still can’t believe I fucking got into med school

In my previous post I mentioned I got accepted into medical school, and damn I still can’t believe that happened ( ﾟДﾟ)

DOKTOR CRIMSON IS ACTUALLY GONNA BE DOCTOR CRIMSON WAT

I was looking at American Association of Medical Colleges (AAMC) data sheets earlier and HOLY COW I can’t believe how lucky I am to even be offered an acceptance! Not to mention that I got into one of my top choices, a wonderful school with excellent academic programs and diverse patient populations. I am truly grateful to be in this position and so proud of myself...

FUCK YEAH DOCTOR CRIMSON!

Keep reading if you don’t mind me rambling.

Just to give a rough idea how competitive MD programs are in the US. There are roughly 150 accredited MD schools total. Usually a school receives a few thousand applications per year. Some schools may receive 10k+. Schools only accept enough to fill a class of about 100 students (some schools accept more, some schools accept less). That means the average acceptance rate for med school is about 5%. If you compare this to applying to college, you are literally applying to Harvard everywhere.... Out of 53042 applicants total in the US, only 21030 get accepted somewhere. That means 60% of applicants don’t get in anywhere every year, and that’s quite scary.

I had no fucking idea if I would get in or not. Like many have said, this process is literally a crapshoot (;o;)

The school I will be attending this fall had about 8k+ applications total. They only accept enough to fill a class of roughly less than 200 students. That’s a little more than 2% of all applicants for this school....

HOW THE FUCK DID I BECOME THE 2%??? Like I checked the facebook page for my class and I saw people who went to college at Harvard, UPenn, Princeton etc.?

I guess hard work does pay off and I’m not too dumb haha (ﾟ∀ﾟﾉ)ﾉ

So lemme talk about my application process last year. There’s a forum called Student Doctor Network (SDN) that I usually go to for resources applying to med school. People who post there are typically higher achievers compared to average applicants. When I was on the waitlist, seeing people getting multiple acceptances and even having the luxury to decide between school A vs. B really got me at the low point.

I submitted 26-27 primaries back in July but ended up only being complete at 23 schools due to budget. Unlike some superstar applicants I didn’t get an early interview in August/September nor did I get an outright acceptance mid-October. My first interview came from my state school in October and I got my second interview in November. Normally my state school would be my best bet in getting into medical school since they have an in-state preference. However, my state school interview resulted in a rejection right before my second interview (like the decision was made literally a week before).

I cried like an idiot that day and the following day. I didn’t want to tell anyone and I thought getting into med school was over for me. I got rejected by my state school, the school with the highest probability of being accepted at all. How am I supposed to get in a school that is ranked much better and more competitive than my state school? Honestly, I fucked up that interview myself and I knew what I did wrong (I regretted it right after I did it). I walked out of that interview feeling rather miserable and uncertain. Also part of it was because I was inexperienced and probably should’ve prepared more for my first interview. But still, it hurt, and it hurt a lot. Even today whenever I think about it, it’ll always an opportunity I missed. If I did get accepted to my state school, things would be very different right now.

I was lost. I finally decided to tell only one person, my good senpai and friend, who also happened to be an MD-PhD student. He told me to do a mock interview if possible. So I did it, got some feedback. Didn’t feel like I’ve improved much but more practice is always better. I went to my second interview with a much-relaxed attitude. My second interview was at the school that eventually accepted me and was the 2nd or 3rd school I wanted to go to out of my top choices (my #1 choice rejected me pre-interview haha). It felt really different than my first interview. I actually liked the school better despite I didn’t know anyone in the area nor did I have many ties to the school. I could tell my conversation between me and my interviewer was much better than my first interview. He even asked me about my art and con experiences, which probably had some influence in getting me an acceptance. I drew him a little sketch doodle with a person sitting in a coffee mug at the end of my interview. I walked out feeling confident, and the rest of the interviews I attended never gave me that same feeling.

It then became a long wait until February when I finally received more interviews. But then again it was late in the cycle, I didn’t have much hope getting into those schools. I was placed on the supposedly high priority waitlist from the 2nd school I interviewed at the same month. After attending those other interviews, I knew the 2nd school, one of my top choices out of all schools, would be my best bet getting in at that point. With the help of a friend editing, I submitted an update letter within the same day I received the wait list status.

It was then another long wait. After May 1st med school traffic day, I was anxiously waiting for waitlist movements. A batch of waitlist acceptances had gone out the first week for the 2nd school I interviewed at. If I couldn’t get in somewhere during May, I would have to prepare for another application cycle. I was also looking for a new job at the same time since my current job didn’t pay much, let alone the fact I needed more money if I had to go through this application process again. I was extremely stressed. Other schools I interviewed at also threw me on their waitlists. My relationship with my family wasn’t great at that point either. I wanted to give up so much. I kept thinking: what did I do wrong this cycle? My GPA and MCAT definitely weren’t the factors keeping me out of med school. I had a good amount of clinical experience and research. My other extracurriculars weren’t extraordinary, but it did have some uniqueness. I guess it was it my interview? I mean, I’m not the most talkative person but I think I’m alright in small conversations. I admit I’m rather low energy compared to even a lot of other introverts, but how would I improve that next time? Should I just give up?

I was ready to meet with my pre-med advisor that Saturday morning for a new committee letter. I decided to check my email once more before I left the door.

HOLY GOD OF CHEESECAKES I DON’T HAVE TO APPLY AGAIN ANYMORE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHA

And that’s my med school application year in a summary.

Big hugs and gross smooches to @theathelier~ I literally would’ve never made it to med school without your essay edits and emotional support! You know how upset I was those months before May. I tend to not show it in front of others but deep inside I was struggling very hard. I had some really negative thoughts at some point (really negative thoughts) but I keep thinking about you and other friends who have shown me support (yes, thank you @phoodledoodles for starting a med school specifically for me with a 1:1 student to faculty ratio and guaranteed nap time every day if I didn’t get in). I would’ve felt so guilty if I didn’t get in this cycle because all the effort you put in reading my essays QAQ Love you and I will make my best attempt to visit! *we still need to go to that pho place together*

@phoodledoodles @aeryecho I love you both, too <3

I’d like to mention @shinionlydrawsfreestyle for being my secret role model during my application cycle haha *senpai plz notice me face* I actually remember you on SDN from last application cycle (along with bananafish haha), I never expected to find your tumblr page. At first I felt yeah I’m probably the only weeb trash artist that does cons and digital art as a hobby while pursuing a main career that’s not even remotely related. And then I was searching “reviews for acrylic charms” and I found your blog and I read your bio that you said you were a med student and I went HOLY CRAP I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE.

Congrats on finishing MS1 and good luck next year studying step 1, senpai!

Ah if my secondaries were like this post I would’ve never gotten in med school :P Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Love and Peace~

#doktor crimson #not art

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kholoudnine · 6 years

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Blogging For A Dummy

Hey guys.

So I haven't been very active of a blogger in a few years, at least not anywhere I would ever advertise it. Since I was very little I've had a big respect for bloggers actually, a strange truth about it being that I felt like blogging was just another way of writing, like my books or my poetry or my music, the only way that I could be listened too.

So I was drawn to it. I think the first blog post I ever did was when I was maybe like eleven, my mum had pretty much just discovered the blogging scene and what the internet is so she wanted to make money off it in some way and share our family. It didn't feel as genuine to me as it should've, though. While blogging felt like a way to be heard, not all blogging really appealed to me. I didn't want social medias because social medias were fake to me. They were overly happy, or they were overly sad. They were overly toxic, or they were drowning you in positivity, at least this was my exposure. While I have nothing personal against these types of bloggers and media users nor the audience which consumes their content, none of the idea of that is me. I don't want to write all happy things and be pretty and perfect and face tuned as has been suggested of me, as people I knew had been. Though I noticed over recent years that I'd gone towards a different extreme, sadness. Most of my work was written during anxiety attacks, or rage, or after an accident, or tragedy. I never smiled. Now, I will not say that writing sad things does not help me, it does, tremendously actually. But, I came to the conclusion maybe about a year ago that it was almost all of my work. I love my work, I do, no matter what it is, but when I can go back to the sad moments, and I can't think of any happy ones, that's a problem for me. I think part of that stemmed from not writing everything, and I mean everything. I almost felt ashamed for a while about feeling emotion. Like it was a bad thing or like if I am happy then it somehow discredits my sadness. I know where this comes from, but as my grandmother would say, that it another story.

I started to notice things about myself that I did not like, I let toxicity in within a heartbeat but shied away from happiness. If I met a decent person it excited the hell out of me, but it didn't take me long to decide to quit on it or that it wouldn't last. "I always doubted the longevity of friendships" is a quote from my own book, I know how snooty right? I'm that "quotes himself" guy now, but it's one of the thoughts Mikayla has that is probably closest to myself. I have thought that before, I've lived like it. This sort of pessimistic notion did nothing more for me but make me wary and more inclined, or should I say lightly obsessed, with watching my back about people. It also made me too accepting. I would accept bullshit relationships and abusive friends for the sole purpose of, if I'm not going to get any better than what is the point? I would use them to fill time essentially and just to have someone to talk to, which, isn't really better of me and it just made good friendships harder.

Now I've seen on twitter all day for the past two or three weeks "fuck fake friends" "when I learn how to stand up for myself it's over for you hoes" "my friends are so fake" "what's real friends?" "everybody's fake now" over and over and over again. All over my feed. In fact there is this one account of an influencer who pretty much only posts about people in his life being fake and untrustworthy. It's kind of one of the saddest things to me, fake friends and back stabbing and mean spirited comments are pretty much expected. All over Instagram comedy you see people getting cheated on to the point it almost seems expected in a relationship. While I know I might seem dramatic to say and point this out, we all go on social media a lot, let's be frank, if you're reading this post you at least are around one person who always talks about or quotes social media. This is the norm of social media. Meaning, this whole "no one can be trusted" narrative is what you're constantly and consistently exposed too. I don't want to perpetuate the expectation of failings and heartbreak, not exactly the positivity and realness spread I was hoping for, though I would actively believe it in my one personal daily life. It's not a positive thing, and nothing good really comes from it, it's extremely lonely to feel you'll never have real friends, and it opens up all sorts of doors for abusive relationships may those be platonic or romantic.

Another thing I noticed of myself was an insistent defensiveness, and while I can't hate myself for being that way, it wasn't healthy. In my poetry workshop a few weeks ago, the beautiful Miss Ebony Shun pointed a phrase out for me that was probably the best call out I've ever gotten. "You expect rejection. Expect acceptance." As usual, she was right, and that's a part of self growth I really want to work towards. I've been rejected by few, so thanks to that coupled with my belief that I'd always be let down by other people, I expected that same rejection from everyone else. It works in multiple scenarios.

Someone is hitting on me? I expect danger, I expect that it's someone who doesn't truly care about or respect me. It's someone I should defend myself from. So I must immediately act as such to protect myself ahead of time.

Someone wants to be my friend? I expect disappointment, they're not actually going to like me. It will be a very shallow friendship. I will put a lot into it and they will not even text me back, but I will accept that if I let it get to that point. So I should defend myself, and be as closed off as I can, and show nothing of myself. Do not talk. Make no connections.

I want to attempt to show people my art? I expect rejection, I will be told I am not good enough. I will be sent away and they will not hear me out on it for give me actual feedback for improvement. My singing sounds like whining, and my drawings are done by a five year old, nothing I write is as smart as it thinks it is. I should defend myself, avoid shows. Avoid letting people I will ever see again see my work, hide behind anon blogs and webposts no one's gonna find.

See? Bad. I have reasons, but it's still bad. Finding the reason to the problem should not excuse it, it should help heal it. Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle with these negetivities, daily, but I don't plan to stay that way now. Being conscious of them as problems, are my first step.

Next thing was to figure out how. How do I write anything happy? What the fuck is happy? Can I not swear? Can I not cry when I write it? When do I write about happy things? What the hell even makes me happy? Writing makes me happy but apparently it's all sad, so. This is a trap. Surely happy writing is reserved for freakin' crazy people and Mary Poppin's. It's all clear to me.

After that prompt breakdown and a few shitty one lines that did not sound like any Stiles I'd ever known, I realized something very important. I am a human being. I feel more than just happy cx and sad xc.

(My use of early 2000's emo/scene kid emojis is not apologized for. I concede no apologies for that.)

So when I started to realize that I started to realize another important and fucking obvious fact: I'm a blogger. I have a been a blogger for years, it's just, the only time I've ever been actually ya know, honest and happy while blogging? Was anonymously. I've had blog diaries, I've had poetry blogs, I started a review blog (twice?), I even just posted about my life in general, and what all of those blogs had in common besides nobody knowing who I was, is that I was honest on them, and they were actually entertaining to me and whoever was actually following along. I kept up with them more and so much better.

Once I realized that? I realized I could do this stupid melliniel social media thing, just without being sad, anxious, and pissed off all the time.

Blogging isn't happy or sad or scary or contentful to me, it's another form of art. (Also my way of attempting to smash the patriarchy and end humanities more trivial yet stupidly prevalent problems one human rights campaign and rally at a time, but ya know, art too.)

So here I am, blogging. Most of my posts will probably be like this one, start with a topic, run through my thoughts and experiences. Others will be fashion orientated, like the one I plan for how I'm going to pick my Bookfest outfit and fill with pictures of what I wore. Other's will be short stories or poetry. Others will be how to's on things I do. Like how I make my weird herbal teas or how I write songs. Some will be funny, some serious, others will be about the campiagnes I support and organize. With any luck, I'll post twice a week at very least, though I have no set days yet.

If you like what you see, and you'd like to see and hear from me more often, you can find my books on Amazon and my social medias posted below. Feel free to leave comments or suggestions about something you wanna see from me.

Until next time,

Peace, love infinite, and smile.

Nico.

#first blog #first post #fashion blogger #fashion blog #writeblr #introduction #artist #artists on tumblr #poets on tumblr #writer #blogger #pay attention to me #self reflection #self recovery #new year

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cookies-hetaoni · 7 years

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This is a rant but, like, you know. It would be nice if you read, if, like. You have patience and time? idk lmao

(adm: Hey guys!! Some things are kind of getting out of control, and honestly I don’t even know where to start, but...! I’m putting this under a cut because it’s so long lmao [I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE]

First thing’s first: this blog was originally created to keep you updated on the progress of the making of my own version of HetaOni [holy cow, that’s a lot of “of”s]. It was released on December 26th, 2016. So, since then, all I’ve been doing is answering asks.

First the asks were about the game, glitches and all that. When people started to praise my art saying they liked how I drew a certain character, I drew them said character as a thank you for the compliment. And somehow, my art has become the main attention of this blog.

It makes me extremely happy that everyone enjoys my art so much, and even more happy when people remember I spent so much time working on the game [lmao], but, guys. Listen. I do not mind getting requests at all, but please understand that I am busy, I have a life and I when I have free time, I want to focus on working on HetaOni and its sequel.

People who have been following me since the beginning might remember I used to say that the reason I was rushing so much to finish and release the game was because I knew that this year I wouldn’t have nearly as enough time as I had last year. And this is exactly what’s happening. I made another post the other day talking about what I was working on regarding the game and the sequel, but now I’m going to tell you a bit of my personal life. Which is not much, to be quite honest.

I am a 21 year old student attending to a Graphic Design course in university, which is set to end in December 2018. It’s a really quick course, so I have to respond just as quickly. Every week I have a lot of work to do for it, now even more so since my class chose me as the class rep [I had absolutely no say in it tbh lmao but that’s okay]. So yes, you get the picture. Picture a Cookie running back and forth, carrying things around while helping my classmates.

Now, because I have depression and other mental health issues, I have to go to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I have to go to the psychologist every week, and to the psychiatrist once every month to get meds prescriptions. Imagine a Cookie, running back and forth carrying things around, helping my classmates and having to take meds and go to appointments to try to live life a little bit more normally.

Not only do I have these problems, but things have been going on in my family that have been making me feel even worse. I swear to all that’s looked upon as Holy in this world that I have NEVER been more stressed in my entire life. Never, ever. I’m currently experiencing overwhelming stress while having to deal with uni, health care and personal problems.

To top it off, the country I live in, especially the city I live in, is extremely dangerous. Just so you have an idea, last year my mom’s car and all of my sister’s and her documents/money/credit cards were stolen right in front of my house, while she was getting her car out of the garage. Last week, as I was coming home from uni, there were cops everywhere in my street and a bunch of people gathered together. We heard there was shooting while theives tried to steal someone else’s car. My neighbor’s dog has been killed recently when theives attempted to get inside their house. My neighbor was killed two years ago when he was painting his gate.

So now, imagine Cookie, running back and forth carrying things, having to help my classmates, while having to deal with uni, health care, personal problems and the risk of being killed/assaulted at any time, any day, anywhere. Not really fun, huh?

Well, let’s all be honest. All of this isn’t really a big deal. No, really, it isn’t. Literally everyone have their own problems to deal with, and just because I’m exposing my own doesn’t make it any more serious than anyone else’s problems. In all honesty, even with all of this going on I am still extremely grateful for having a house, clean water, access to education and health care, a family and being someone competent enough that people can rely on. All of us have it hard, and it’s only natural. If things were easy, we wouldn’t be able to experience emotions to its fullest, amiright?

The same way my problems aren’t more important than anyone else’s, that doesn’t make it any less heavy either. Everyone’s said this before, everyone says this constantly and in 80 years, people will continue to say: Life is hard. We are only one, yet the world demands we work as if we were one hundred. But we are not.

Why am I telling you all of this? I could’ve just summed it up and said I was busy, right? Well, I did make a post telling you I was busy before, but people still seemed not to care much. Which is totally fine, I guess. It’s not like it’s anyone’s obligation to care for other’s lives, anyway. Especially since a blog like mine is supposed to create entertaining content. If I offer you something you like to see then you’ll obviously want to see more, because entertainment is most definitely a thousand times better than having to deal with problems.

I am not writing this to complain about the asks I get, or that I want you guys to stop sending me asks or anything of the sort. I am just trying to explain that I do not have time to answer you immediately. That’s all.

I don’t delete any of the asks I get [unless it’s people sending me useless criticism - aka bitching at me for nothing], so it’s not like I forgot about you. So you don’t need to send me the same asks over and over again- this has happened multiple times, probably with different people. I get it, you want your request, I will do it but I just don’t have as much free time as I wish I had.

As I said in the beginning of this post, I created this blog to focus on HetaOni and on its sequel, so that’s what I’m trying to do. If I spend all of my time answering asks, I won’t be able to work on the game and I’ll have to deal with solving glitches for everyone and not getting any work done. And besides all of this I have to do, I also need to work on commissions.

I very much probably made it obvious that I do not have money. I have to gather every single penny I have to be able to pay for my school. If I couldn’t pay it myself, my mom would surely help me. The thing is, I don’t want her to, because I know she doesn’t have money either. All of it goes to pay for the house itself, its expenses, her car, food, bills, and my sister’s uni. She already has her hands full, so I’m trying my best to keep myself standing still. My friends know already that I love my mom unconditionally. She’s everything to me, I would give my life for her in the blink of an eye. I love her a billion more times than I could ever wish to love myself. She is trying very hard to keep everything under control. I’m not going to go much farther on this subject because it would get too personal, and it’s not really necessary for me to share this much information. All you need to know is I am trying my best to earn money so I can pay for school myself and give my mom one less problem to worry about. And earning money is NOT easy.

I don’t have a job. I couldn’t find one because of my mental health issues. Now I am a bit better than before so i started job-hunting again, but with no luck until now. All I can do is rely on commissions, the Patreon account I created just recently and on the donation button I added in the page, though I don’t really expect anyone to actually donate to be completely honest. It’s literally all I can do to earn money, besides selling some of my things.

Making art takes a lot of time. Requests usually take me at least 2-3 hours each. I enjoy drawing requests very much so, I just love drawing with all my heart and whenever I get positive feedback from you guys, I feel like everything is worth it. As much as I love this feeling and wish to hold on to just this, I can’t pay for my university with emotions. More than I love drawing, I love my mom. And if it’s to make the weight she carries even a little bit lighter, I will do whatever it takes to keep steady on my feet by myself, until someday I can earn enough to take care of all of her financial problems and give her the proper life she deserves to live.

I’m not begging you for money. You do not have the obligation to give me financial support, especially because I know a lot of my followers are underage, that art is often not appreciated enough to be seen as something worth investing on and that money is just something VERY hard to attain. Not everyone can afford commissions, being a patron or donating. It’s just natural. That’s why I like to draw requests. I myself am someone that would love to offer financial support to a lot of my favorite artists, but I can’t. Even so, I have to talk about it everytime because I just don’t have another choice.

I am also not writing all of this to make you feel sorry for me, or to create drama or whatever. I am just being completely honest with you, and the length of this post just goes to show how absolutely stressed I have been trying to keep my life in order.

The only reason I am writing all of this is asking you guys to be patient. I WILL answer your asks, but please, just be patient. I’m trying my best to always get as much done as I can whenever I have free time, but I only have two hands. Art isn’t just magically created. It takes time, effort and lots of love for me to come up with answers for you. A lot of you already told me to take my time, not to worry about it and not to stress myself, but it’s kind of impossible not to. To each ask I answer, I get 3. I can never clear my inbox. When I tried closing it, even though I made a post about it, everyone came talking to me personally saying they couldn’t send me asks. I’m not the type of person who forgets about things easily. You could’ve asked me for something 10 years ago and I would still remember about it today- because you asked something for me, and I have 100% intention of doing it. I just need time and inspiration.

So please understand if I take long to answer your requests, or if I turn down a request because it would normally be considered a commission. I’m trying my best. I keep repeating that over and over again, but it’s not something I say just out of habit- I really am trying my best.

I appreciate your asks. I appreciate your support. I appreciate you taking your time to write something for me. Recreating this game and creating this blog was honestly the best idea I could’ve ever had. Interacting with you and creating art that causes positive emotions on both of us is what gives my life meaning. I am holding onto this fandom as if it were my life, because it gives me joy and the feeling I actually matter to someone, that I do things that some people care about and that’s what’s helping me get through the hard times. I love this game, I love this fandom, I love this blog and I love you. All I want from you is patience and understanding. If you want to do something for me, just show you care. Reblogging my art and getting other people to see it is a great way to do that. I just want to get someone to smile with my art and hope to make their day a little bit better. Life sucks for everyone, but we’re all in this together.

But jesus this was a HUGE rant lmfao I am so sorry for all of this. I just needed to write all of this down. If you actually read it until the end, thank you so, so much for your time. I really appreciate it, and hope you have a great week!!!)

#update #adm: i'm sorry lol

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transbutts · 8 years

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Hi! Just here for a little rant, I wanna share my situation and maybe have some feedback? -cofcofmaybechitchatcofcof- so I’m a Latino living in Australia and Im transgender.

Lately I have been founding a LOT of difficulty getting T, paperwork to change my gender, paperwork to change my name (which is more difficult due to the fact im not a citizen, yay) AND NOW ON TOP, my chest surgery has doubled up the price I had in mind because the Dr. I wanted didn’t convinced me because of her scar position (right in the middle of the nipple) so I changed to another one (extremley good) but extremely expensive 15,000 AUD.

The T and my name change are not as… Horrible? Like, I can wait, yeah, I will be patient cuz I already resign to the fact that it will be a long hard process an all.

But what has been bugging me is how the hell I will get the money for my operation? Well, my gf suggested GoFundMe but I have like 0 friends, moat of the ones I do have are students = no money. I don’t have enough followers on Instagram/Tumblr and the ones I do have don’t care/same friends with no money.

I have a casual job (I work in a Vet Clinic as a kennel hand trying to get my Vet Nursing position going, which, I miss one opportunity cuz some decided that my “transgender issues” where “affecting me” and they “didn’t wanted to put more stress on me” ironic right?) and its barely enough to pay all I have to pay and have some saving (since December till now I have barely saved 1,1000. Which I’m proud off btw but is just not enough)

I have tried applying for jobs but I have little experience in retail and a lot of jobs request drivers licence (Which I don’t have cuz in my culture you don’t learn to drive until you get out of university or something like that and I just to Australia as I finish year 12 back in my country)

So yeah. I feel really trapped, and days are difficult since I’m a big chested boy and there is no way I can pass neck down so I have to deal with a lot of misgendering. Also, I’ve told my dad I am FTM and he literally said he would not call me “he” or “son” until I “look like a dude” and do the “proper changes” which I fin is totally bullshit. So I don’t have his support either. I’m basically living by own because he only pays for rent and food. The rest I have to provide myself 90% of the time and that make the saving up a bit more difficult (I should not complain about this I know, there is people who has it worst than me I know, I’m sorry)

But yeah. I just feel really frustrated. And something that just is in the back of my ming is that we are going to go to the states for vacations. I decided to go just for two weeks cuz I don’t wanna miss work (money) and because now with Trump as president I am afraid of going and be beat up or something in the streets or be called things. I have hear/read a lot of horrible things of the states and I’m just scared, and I wanted to go a week more maybe, because they are really good vacations, but my fear makes me doubt. (Any suggestions on this? I don’t even know if you mates are from the states or not but …)

Well, anyway, this was longer than expected. I’m sorry. I tried to say everything that I had caught up in my throat. Thanks for reading, if you got until here.

Photo caption: I swear I’m a training vet nursing and no bunnies where harm, that is the “technical” way of restraining a bunny. ***** I’m really sorry you’re stuck in this position. Unfortunately I’m sure a lot of folks here can sympathize with you. This process can be so difficult (and adding on the emotional strain, especially from lack of support, it can be almost unbearable). Ways to raise money- a lot of companies (like trans clothing companies, i.e. Trash Prince, Flavnt, and more) put a portion of proceeds to a particular person’s surgery fund. You can apply to those, and if accepted you would get some extra money that way. You could also try selling things online. Do you have a craft you like? I commend you for the job hunting, and without a license I’m sure it’s hard. But anything will help if you can find it. Could you maybe walk dogs in the neighborhood? I cleaned a house as a (third?) job every other week and made gas money for a while that way. It may be a super stressful time for a while, but you seem determined and hard-working! Best of luck <3 Also, that’s a damn cute furball. *Wren

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death2thevirgin · 8 years

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Survivor part 3

Characters: Me (sorta), Castiel, Bobby, Dean and Sam

Word Count: ~4,600

Warnings: Reference to past child abuse, Sexual abuse and physical assault. (Not much though) Violence, anger, language, Cannon divergence

A/N: So I know I totally “skipped” the whole Lilith breaking seals season and jumped straight to the apocalypse thing, but it works better for the story to play out this way in my opinion. This is the final chapter, the way it ended leaves it open to do a sequel. This fic was one of the most challenging thing I have ever written. I want to say thank you to @iwantthedean for having this challenge that provided the perfect setting to get some of my story out there. I have never met a group of people as amazing as the SPN family! You are all so special to me and remind me everyday to always keep fighting. Thank you all so much! I wrote this for @iwantthedean ‘s mini milestone challenge. The challenge was to write yourself into a fic and to clarify the only things that are based on my real struggles was the childhood abuse. Everything else is fiction built around it or in a way what I wish really happened. This is part (3/3) I would appreciate if feedback was kept to the positive kind on this one. PLEASE READ WARNINGS! Thank you all for reading!

Catch up: Part 1, Part 2

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Cassie’s POV

When I left Bobby’s house I didn’t look back, I never stopped moving. I knew as soon as Lucifer found out about me he would do whatever he could to get me to be his vessel. Not only could I not allow that to protect the people I love but I had to protect all the innocent people of the world. I’m not too sure how much time had passed since I left, it could have been weeks or months. I knew I made the right choice, I could find a way to beat Lucifer but not if I was worried about protecting my loved ones. A lot changed since that day, not only did I feel different but I was different.

The first time I realized these changes I was in a diner and I thought I was just over hearing normal chatter but as I focused it became apparent that it wasn’t just normal conversation, I could hear thoughts. At first it was a bit overwhelming but I calmed my breathing and when I focused, I realized I could control it. That wasn’t the only change though, I didn’t get tired and was never really hungry. I could feel pain but only in extreme amounts, I would cut myself and I wouldn’t bleed much. All I could think was why didn’t this happen to me sooner? Why couldn’t I have these abilities when I really needed them?

I did my best not to use my abilities, afraid that maybe it would be a beacon that would bring all of Heaven and Hell down on me. That was until tonight while traveling down interstate 70 when a truck pulled over. Inside the truck two men peered down at me, giving me an all too familiar feeling. “What’s a pretty thang like you doing out here all alone?” The man in the passenger seat spoke in a southern drawl as he spat out his chew.

I try to just continue walking but I am frozen in place. I don’t think it is fear of the men that froze me, no, I took down monsters double their size. It wasn’t necessarily the men themselves, more like what they wanted to do to me. I couldn’t move because I was assaulted with the memories of all those other men. Their unwanted hands covering my body, the names they would call me and the hits I would receive if I didn’t listen. The passenger takes my fear as his opportunity, he jumps out of the truck and make his advance against me. As if my hunter instinct finally kicked in I start walking backwards attempting to increase the distance between us. “Keep going and just leave me alone!” my words come out louder and stronger than I expected.

“We don’t want to hurt you doll, we just want to have a little fun.” He coos as if to reassure me. By now the driver is out of the truck and coming at me from the other side. “Get her” with that they both charge towards me.

I can’t really explain the feeling that came next. It was a mix of terror, anger and frustration. I was terrified that I would belong to them and they would use me up just like every other man before them. I was frustrated because I seemed to attract these type of men, it was like they knew I was damaged goods and it didn’t matter if they used me a little more. Most of all I was pissed, I refuse to let this be my life. I refuse to be used and discarded at the whim of a man. That feeling settles in my stomach and sends a warm sensation over my body. I feel like I am vibrating from within and it washes over me. As the men get closer I reach my arms out, each palm facing a man “I said leave me ALONEE!!!” On the last word the heat that built up through my body feels like it is leaving through my hands. I drop to my knees, head down… I feel like every molecule in my body was drained. I look up still expecting to see the men coming towards me, but not only are they nowhere to be found every thing that surrounded me looks like it was blasted away. I quickly look around, maybe I wasn’t alone. Maybe Castiel found me and this was his doing, but there is no one else there.

Once I regain enough energy I stand, pain making its was to my head. I hear a high pitched noise that only causes the pain to worsen. I start walking again, stumbling a little as I regain my footing. I only make it a way down the road, then I decide to turn around and look back. Where I was standing appears as if a bomb was detonated, the radius of the blast was so large I couldn’t really tell where it ended.

~~~

Castiel’s POV

She has been gone for two weeks, four days and thirteen hours. I reread her note often, not that I believe it will lead me to her but it brings me comfort. After I filled the Winchesters in on Cassie’s situation Sam offered to agree to Lucifer just to protect her but Dean wouldn’t allow it. He said he loved Cassie but he couldn’t let Sam sacrifice himself for her. Not that it would work, once Lucifer possessed Sam he would know everything Sam knew about her. Zachariah insists I forget about her and focus on stopping Lucifer and getting Dean to say yes to Michael. I refuse to abandon her again, I will not leave her to be destroyed.

Dean and Sam continue on there own meeting a prophet named Chuck and learning about the four horsemen. Not sure what I can do, I get the idea to use Deans amulet to find Father. If I find him, he will have to stop all this or at least explain why he is allowing it to continue.

I search for father refusing to believe he is dead, when I am not searching for him I’m looking for her. After searching with no results, I decide the best way I can protect her is stopping Lucifer before he even finds out. I go back to the Winchesters and help them, even if that means going against my brothers. We finally track Lucifer down to Carthage, we get a chance and Dean shoots him with the colt but it didn’t work and we nearly escape. Every step we take forward we get knocked back ten. Trying to defeat Lucifer was difficult enough but with every Angel interfering nearly made it impossible. Having to take time from the important matter to stop Angels from trying to kill Sam when we should be finding a way to end Lucifer. Having to get the Winchester out of Heaven after the are killed and realizing that Father has abandoned us all were major set backs. I could feel myself draining, this fight was getting to me.

Then I used myself as a bomb to clear the way for the brothers to rescue Adam and defeat Zachariah. I am blasted far away; I have no idea where I am or were I am going. I float in the vast nothingness and think of Cassie. I have failed her in many ways and I hope by helping the Winchesters I was keeping Lucifer from her. When I wake I am in a strange hospital and I have no idea where I am and I’m unable to heal my vessel. Just as I grab my phone to call Dean I hear it. The noise is soft at first, sounding like a train in the distance but then it is deafening. It is a high pitched scream and instantly I know it is Cassie’s. Even with my weakened grace I can feel her and know exactly where she is, like a beacon.

Unable to fly, I make my way to the Winchester gaining Pestilence’s and Death’s rings. I inform them I know where Cassie is and if I do that means so do my brothers and Lucifer. I implore to them that she is no longer safe and we must keep Lucifer from her or the world stands no chance. The things I tell them are all true but they are not my main motivation. Yes, I want to keep earth safe and stop the fighting from my brothers but I know I can’t loose Cassie. Maybe it is my weakened grace, maybe its just the things I’ve been through since I first returned to this planet but I never felt this way about another person. If she is harmed or dies, I won’t care about the apocalypse they can end everything because my everything is Cassie.

~~~

Cassie’s POV

After my run in with those two men I felt an urgency I’ve never felt before, I couldn’t say why but I just knew I had to get away from there and fast. The open road held a feeling of danger, I was exposed and knew I needed to get hidden. With a hurried pace I quickly make my way to the next town, Stull Kansas. Walking around I find a motel and set up for the night, I paint sigils on the walls just like Cas showed us. After taking a shower I lie down, though I haven’t really been tired lately after what happened earlier I felt a little drain. I was only planning on grabbing a few hours of rest before I pushed forward tomorrow.

I am lying on the bed when I notice the light begin to flicker. I am quickly on my feet, grabbing my iron knife with one hand and my gun with the other. The flickering speeds up until all the lights in the room blowout. Just my luck I would get the haunted room. “You room isn’t haunted Cassandra.” The voice is coming from behind me, I quickly turn on my heels spinning and coming face to face with a man whose skin is a little withered.

“Who or what the hell are you and how the fuck did you get in here?” I pull my gun up aiming between his eyes as I cock it.

He tilts his head sideways “Now Cassandra, that is no way to speak to your father is it?” He is wearing a cocky smile.

My heart drops, Lucifer. “How did you find me?”

“Oh, well you put on quite a show earlier, smiting those low lives. You sent a pretty powerful buzz throughout Angel radio, which I happen to have a subscription to.” He steps closer to you causing you to step back until your back is against a wall. “I think its about time we get to know each other a littler better.” He sniffs the air between us “I can literally smell you power.”

I can feel his grace flowing off him like a tsunami, he is much more powerful than Castiel’s and it terrifies me. “It’s not Cassandra, its Cassie and I have no desire to know you! You are nothing to me.” My words betray me and come out shaky but I take a deep breath, trying to find my courage. “I already know what your going to ask me so don’t waste your fucking time. The answer is no… no now, no tomorrow and no forever.” The more I speak the more empowered I feel, I stand a little straighter and square off my shoulders. It dawns on me he won’t lay a finger on me because he needs me.

“You got a mouth on you, don’t ya.” He hisses, I can tell I am pissing him off a little. “Just think about it Cassie, between your soul and our combined grace we would be unstoppable. I know the things you’ve been through. I know you spent most of your life feeling like you had no control over what happened to you. Imagine never feeling powerless again, imagine punishing the ones that ignored your prays and pleas. Imagine getting to know your father, you’ve always wondered about me, haven’t you?”

To say I didn’t consider his offer would be a lie but of course he knew just the right things to say. “You’re right, I am tired of feeling powerless but you’re also wrong, I don’t want to punish anyone. I just want to move past it with my family... This conversation is over and your answer is still no.” I push by him walking to the other side of the room.

“You’ll change your mind, they always do and when you do Ill be there.” He adds a clap on the end for drama.

I jolt awake sitting up in bed, maybe it was all a dream. I know it wasn’t, I grab my watch looking at the time I realize how much I actually slept. I needed to get moving, to find a way to hide myself better. I gather my belongings making my way to the door swinging it open and I am met with a steely gaze.

I don’t know how they found me but I can only guess it was the same way Lucifer did. I just stand there unsure of what to do-do I apologize; do I try to run… I feel like I want to cry “I am so sorry guys.” I drop my bags and begin to cry silently, I squat down putting my head between my legs. That’s when I feel his arms around me, at first I thought it was one of the boys. That is until my eye lock with those blues ones.

“We know you did it to protect us Cassie” Sam looks at me understanding. “But we always work better as a team and that is how we are going to stop this.”

“Cassie, you worried me… I didn’t know if you were safe.” Castiel whispers so only I can hear him and squeezes me a little tighter.

I let the boys in and they fill me in on everything that happened while I was gone. The four horsemen, the rings and their brother who is the vessel for Michael. “So guys, what’s the plan?” I can see Dean clench up at my question, he turns his head looking out the window.

Sam clears his throat directing the attention to him. “It’s a long shot but it is all we have at this point.

Dean continues to stare out the window the whole time Sam goes over their plan. He says he is going to say yes to Lucifer, he is going to fight him and use the Horsemen’s key to lock Lucifer back in the cage. This also meant that Sam would be sacrificing himself in the process. “No.” The room goes quiet and all eyes are on you, confused looks all around. “No Sam, you’re not going to do that. I am going to do it.”

Sam begins to protest. “No, Cassie you’re too powerful, we can’t risk him having access to your grace.”

I reach over grabbing his hand. “That is exactly why I have to do it Sammy, because I am going to be more likely to win against him.”

Dean comes over to were Sam and I are sitting, he takes a seat next to me, grabbing my free hand. “Sweetheart you don’t have to do this, it is our mess and we will clean it up.” His emerald eyes search mine for any hint of hesitation.

I risk a quick glance at Castiel he is standing in the corner with a look of disapproval on his face. I look back to the first men I ever trusted in my life. “I know I don’t have to do it, but I should. I am his daughter and a Nephilim, technically I shouldn’t be alive anyway.” I smile trying to ease their guilt. “Besides you two have done so much for me. You two have each other and do so much good for the world. You two would be missed, me not so much.” I let out a soft laugh, I can tell they weren’t amused by the last part.

I face Sam tucking his hair behind his ear “Sammy, you remind me so much of my younger brother, I can only hope he turned out to be half the man you are. I want you to know you are so much more than your past. Yea, sure you made some mistakes but who here hasn’t. You are smart and have such a big heart, please let yourself experience love again.” I lean in a place a soft kiss on his tear stained cheek.

I turned to face Dean giving his hand a tight squeeze. “Dean, if I ever got so lucky as to have an older brother I would wish he was like you. If you were my older brother I would have grown up happy and safe because I know you would never let anything happen to me. I need you to promise me you will go easier on Sammy… but also on yourself. Not everything is your fault.” Dean was able to keep his composure for the most part but he had a few tear sliding down the cheek I kissed.

Both brothers are unable to speak, I fought off crying but I was starting to loose that battle. The tears came fast and flowed freely, I wasn’t upset about what I had to do, I just was going to miss these boys, my family. I stand looking a both of them “What is it that Bobby always says? Family don’t end in blood but it doesn’t start there either.” I am just able to get the words out before the sobs really start but in an instant Dean and Sam’s arms are around me. “I’m going to miss you two so much”

Our hug lasts for a moment before Dean pulls away “Alright no more chick flick moments.” Which get a light laugh from the room. I give the boys both individual hugs and ask them if they mind stepping out and giving Castiel and I a moment alone, which they oblige. “We are going to make sure we got everything we need; we’ll be back.”

Once the boys are gone Castiel just stares a me, his expression unreadable. He is standing in the corner when I grab his hand and lead him to the foot of the bed where we both take a seat. Now that its just the two of us I can see that Castiel is different, its his grace it very faint. With out speaking we communicate, I touch his cheek signaling him to look at me and when he does he doesn’t make direct eye contact. I know he is upset that I am going through with this but its more than that, I think he is embarrassed about his grace. “I can’t even take you to our place one last time before you go.” His voice is growly and low.

“Close your eyes Castiel.” I grab his hand and guide him back till we are laying side by side on the bed. Once his eyes are closed I focus on the lake. The lake Castiel would take me too, I am not sure how I know how to do this but it comes naturally. It takes a few minutes but when I open my eyes Castiel and I are at our lake.

“I did it, I wasn’t sure I could.” I am sitting next to Castiel and It takes me a moment to realize he is holding my hand. I look over to him and can see he is adverting his gaze. “Castiel please look at me.” He obliges me. That’s when I see the sorrow in his eyes. “Castiel, what’s wrong?”

He lets a long breath before answering me. “I failed. I failed Father, I failed my brothers and sisters and worst of all I failed you.”

His pain breaks my heart. “Castiel no you didn’t. You told me that God told you that he had a plain, that he trusted you to watch over me.” I tell myself I wont cry. “You kept me alive, I’m sure I wouldn’t make it to fifteen if it wasn’t for you. You were an excellent Guardian Angel” I nuzzle into his side and rest my head on his shoulder, he is stiff at first but then he relaxes. “When I’m gone please take care of them, all of them. Watch over them like you watched over me.”

I feel Castiel shift and look up to meet his eyes. I’m sure he is going to say something but instead he takes his hand reaching under my hair to cradle my head. He places a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Always.”

We stayed like that for a while not needing to talk. Eventually I knew we needed to get back to reality and I bring us back. When we get back the Winchester are there, they ask me one last time if I am sure I want to do this. “You don’t owe anyone; Cassie you don’t have to do this.” Sam gives me one last chance to change my mind. I don’t, I say my final goodbyes and leave. I know what I have to do and I am resolved in my decision.

~~~

Castiel’s POV

“Hey Assbutt.” I call as Sam throws holy fire at Michael causing him to vanish with shrieks of pain.

“Sam did you just Molotov my brother in holy fire?” Lucifer in Cassie’s body asks rhetorically. “No one dicks with Michael but me!” She brings her hand up and snaps her fingers causing Sam to burst into a million pieces. “Didn’t need him anymore anyway.” Turning her attention towards Dean, easily snapping his neck with a twist of her wrist. “Castiel what are you doing here?” I have no time to mourn Sam and Dean, they are already gone. I have to help Cassie, even if that’s just to let her know I am here.

“Cassie, listen you are not alone I’m here to help you.” I try to reach her.

“Cassie isn’t here and she will not be sending me into the cage like you planned.” She stands ready to attack again. “I didn’t even know I had a child and I am already a better father then ours. I will protect her and make sure she is never harmed again. The things he let her suffer through and yet you still fight for him.” A look of sorrow flashes over her face briefly.

“If you knew anything of your daughter’s pain you wouldn’t be boosting. If you loved her, you wouldn’t have just killed the Winchesters. Cassie I need you to listen to me, you are stronger than him! You have to fight.” I try to reach her, preparing for failure I ready for Lucifer’s attack. When he doesn’t I look into her eyes. “Cassie I am here. You can do this.”

I don’t know if I am getting through to her or not but when I look into her eyes I see a glimmer of hope. Her eyes are dark and she lets out a sigh “Oh Castiel, if you only knew the things she blamed you for, how much she hates you.” She steps closer to me grabbing the lapel of my coat. “If you could feel the anger she has towards you, you would stop trying to get her to fight.”

I try my best to stay strong, but his words are hitting me in all the places that hurt. “I know I’ve failed her in the past, that is why I won’t fail her now. If she wants to go through with this plan, I will help her.”

“I knew you were stupid, but really?” She sneers “I guess I will just have to show you.” With that she is swinging her punches landing hard on my face. I know I should fight but I deserve this. I deserve every blow; I deserve it for abandoning her all those years ago. I deserve it for not fighting harder to protect her. I deserve it for all the things I should’ve done for her. “She is going to feel your bones snap; she is going to be the one that kills you.”

There is no use fighting, I know what is to come. “Cassie, it’s ok. I am so sorry for not being there for you. I am so proud of you, you are strong.” A few more blows land. “OLANI HOATH OL GASSAGEN” I close my eyes welcoming the final blows, welcoming the end.

“It’s ok Castiel, it’s going to be ok. I’ve got him” Her words come out with huffs, she sounds like she is struggling. I open my eyes and see her grab the rings out of her pocket, tossing them to the ground and saying the incantation. When she finishes the ground opens up, I pull myself to my feet. Stumbling towards her she puts her hand up as if to stop me. I still go to her “Castiel I need to do this.”

“I won’t stop you but before you go you need to know.” Its hard for me to breath, she touches my temple and I can feel her grace run through me, I know I am healed. I need her to know before she goes, I need her to know how I feel.

She places her hand on my cheek, her eyes never leaving mine “I love you too Castiel, I think I always have.”

“I am so sorry; I should have protected you. I should have stood up for you and never stopped. So much of your pain is my fault.” Her eyes fill with tears.

She smiles softly, leaning forwarded and placing a gentle kiss on my lips. She pulls away, but before she can speak I take her lips again this time with more passion. I pull her close to me, not wanting to let her go.

“Cassie it’s not gonna end this way; I have fight my brother. It is my destiny.” Adam says as he appears.

She pulls away and takes a few steps back looking me in my eyes, I can see the sorrow written on her face. She closes her eyes, drawing in a deep breath. She spreads her arms out and falls back, Michael reaches for her but he is too late and he goes tumbling in after her. The hole closes and they are both gone.

I stay knelt there for a while. That is until I feel a hand on my shoulder I look up and see Sam. “Sam you’re alive?”

“Apparently.” He gives himself a once over inspecting himself. “How are you?”

“Psychically I feel fine; my grace has been restored. I don’t know how though. Do you think it was God?” I get to my feet walking over to where Dean laid, I place two fingers on his temple and he springs up gasping for air.

“What the hell happened?” Dean exclaims. Sam fills Dean in as I walk to where she last stood. I can hear the brothers when they walk up to me. “You ok Cas?”

“I just lost the woman I love; I don’t think Ill every be ok.” I think about all the things I would say to her if she was still here. I think about her smile and the way she scrunches her nose; I don’t know what father’s plan was but this couldn’t have been it.

Tagged people I thought might be interested:

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#SPN #SPN Imagine #castiel #YouAu #youau challenge #self insert #voilence #cannon divergence #child abuse

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wildlyhardphilosopher-blog · 5 years

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how long does it take to train a dog | how to train puppy

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how long does it take to train a dog | how to train puppy

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Arts & Entertainment Puppy Socials Unique Dog Names Did you catch them ‘in the act’ 3 times in a single day? Well done for watching them closely enough. However, if they tried to go 3 times in the home, you’ve learnt that you likely aren’t taking them to empty themselves often enough. So increase the frequency. You should also consider the Starmark Bob-A-Lot , the KONG Extreme Dog Toy , the Chuckit! Classic Ball Launcher , and the Mammoth Flossy Chews Cotton Blend 3-Knot Rope Tug . If you clean up just a little, the dog will be attracted to “refresh” the spot. If you clean thoroughly, there will be no attraction to go there again. Lisa Moore Melinda Myers Log-in PetSafe 6-Volt RFA-67D Replacement Batteries, 2 pack Or maybe puppy peed in the crate after an hour? – You left them crated longer than they can hold their bladder, or didn’t empty them before crating. Shampoo & Conditioner Posted by: Eden | July 23, 2018 1:44 PM Report this comment I always advise clients to be proactive weather-watchers. If your dog’s potty place is outdoors, consider that potty habits can and might change with the season, and you may have to consider creative and proactive ways to keep your dog’s potty habits strong. For dogs who detest rain, the erection of a portable canopy might just ease the pain. A snow shovel goes a long way in helping small dogs deal with deep snow. Some indoor-outdoor carpet can buffer the heat of summer pavement. Outdoor Gear Health Videos This book has very clear instructions for training a puppy in an entertaining. I hope I am smart enough to train my dog with it If you have any feedback, comments, questions or suggestions on how to house train a puppy, please add them to the comment section below and I will answer every one. 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When inside, do not let the dog out of your sight, and at the first sign of sniffing to locate a toilet spot, take him outside. Flea & Tick Food & Nutrition Arthritis & Joint Pain Kitten Senior Cat View All Good luck and happy crate training! Whatever you do, don’t reach out and grab her as she gets close to you. That will confuse her. When she gets really close, just gently reach out, offer a soft stroke of belly or head, and verbal praise. And if she is food motivated, this would be a good time to offer a yummy treat. If you have a large breed puppy and can’t pick them up, slip on a leash quickly and “rush” them to the potty area, do not stop until you are there ! March 23rd, 2017 Vet Solutions (3) How to Potty Train a Puppy: A Comprehensive Guide for Success Beggin′® © Copyright 1997-2018 Dr. Joseph Mercola. All Rights Reserved. Post a Reader Comment Brooklyn, New York 4.3 out of 5 stars Part 1: House Training – The Ultimate Guide Avoid playing exciting games in the garden before your puppy has toileted, as this is likely to distract them from the main purpose of going outside. If they want to come back inside straight away, or look confused, patiently walk up and down slowly to encourage them to move about and sniff the ground. Stay outside with your puppy until they have done their business at which point you can give gentle praise. Avoid leaving your puppy outside in the hope that they will eventually go to the toilet, as most puppies will not want to be left alone and will instead concentrate on getting back to you, rather than learning to go to the toilet outside. You might also miss the opportunity to praise your puppy if they do go, or if they don’t go, they may then be ‘caught short’ once back in the house! 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#puppy training austin #puppy training tips

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jvzooproductsclub · 7 years

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Videze Review

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Well, let’s take a closer look at its features. Besides an amazing ability to create videos of any type, Videze also allows you to create 2D or 3D logos in any niche. It only takes minutes, to be honest. What’s more, you can easily grab viewers’ attention by providing amazing explainer videos which can boost conversions magically.

There are many tools to help you do that, including many visual scenes, characters, images, kinetic typography and more. Adding these to your videos to make it colourful and lively.

If those features are not enough for you, then it’s time to move onto the whiteboard videos. They offer many character animations, backgrounds, images, and scenes to help you launch a wonderful video.

One more thing I should share in this Videze Review is that this is a cloud-based tool. It works on all types of platforms or browser or devices. Whether you are working on a desktop, a PC, a smartphone or a tablet, there will not be any hassle in the process.

Also, there is a team of in-house developers to make sure the app runs smoothly all the time. They are also open to feedback from users and constantly try to upgrade the platform in the long run.

At this point, you should know that you do not need any specific skill or experience to use Videze. Even if you have not created any video before, you can start creating one with Videze.

Who Should Use It?

Videze provides a platform which is extremely suitable for those who do not have much skill or time to do everything on their own. I strongly suggest this tool for video marketers, bloggers, eCom marketers, local business runners and affiliate marketers. If you need high-quality videos on a tight budget, this may be one of your solutions.

Why Should You Buy It?

To make it easier for you to decide, this part of the Videze Review is about the recap of what Videze can offer, let’s check out!

No experience or skills needed

All templates are designed and ready to be used right away. All you have to do is to click to add elements and Videze will take care of the rest work.

Watermark

To protect your brand and prevent people from stealing your stories, Videze allows you to watermark your videos.

Customization

You can easily adjust colours, text, and background images within a few clicks.

Template collections

There are a whole bunch of world-class templates in various niches for you to choose. It’s all there for you to look for.

Photo collection

There are hundreds of photos which you can download to add to videos.

Commercial license

I particularly love this feature as it allows me to build another source of income. By selling videos to clients, my financial status has been more stable than before.

Customer support

As I mentioned earlier, the team works all days all nights to give responses and help you out.

Audio

Videze provides many tracks and sound effects to every template to make it more engaging and mesmerizing.

Training videos

Despite the fact that Videze is suitable for all types of marketers, you would not be left in the dark as Mo Miah did add training videos to the package. You will watch over the shoulder how to do things smoothly just as you expect.

Mass rendering

To save time, you can render multiple videos at the same time without any extra cost.

In my opinion, Videze is a complete suite for marketers to create animated videos no matter how competent they are. The platform has all features that you can think of. It also combines many different Hollywood style animated videos.

Another important thing to mention in this Videze Review is its price. Currently, Videze is launched with a special deal: $47. The price will double after the week launch, unfortunately. Take your chance and grab it now:

To be honest, it would be nonsense to say Videze is expensive. If you look at other alternatives, either hire professionals for hundreds per video or buy expensive tools which may not guarantee any result, I think Videze already wins the competition.

Conclusion :

In a nutshell, I’m really thankful to you for keeping up with my Videze Review to the very end, so you can make the right decision for your own business. Good luck and see you again!

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fishermariawo · 7 years

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Dear Mark: More Embracing Your Wildness

Last week’s Q&A about cultivating wildness was a lot of fun, but there were some questions I didn’t get to in the original post. Today, I’m going to answer some more. From stirring stories of a father and son pursuing and living their dream after experiencing extreme tragedy to how to go barefoot more safely to the balance between creativity, progress, and Primal values to accepting the reality (and beauty) of having work to do to the value of sun exposure in winter to circadian entrainment. In short, we’re covering a ton of ground today.

Let’s go:

First I’m going to include Jonno’s comment, even though it wasn’t a question, for reasons that become obvious once you read it:

Being thought of as a weirdo can be a mark of success. The last thing my wife said to me before she died of cancer was that our then infant son and I should live a free, fit, healthy and fun life, the opposite end of the scale to what society norms dictate and very different to our previous 10 years where we worked every hour to pay for things we didn’t need with which to impress the friends we didn’t have. Watching a loved one die young inspires you to do all in your power to learn how to live an optimum life. So my son and I moved to the other side of the world so that we could maximize our sunshine hours, surf lots in warm, clean water, walk and run barefoot on the beach every morning, sleep outside in fresh air all year and grow our own organic food. Keeping our overheads to a minimum means we don’t have to earn so much money and reduces stress – our living accommodation is very basic and pollutants are minimal. No sprays, no WIFI, no power lines. We home-school so learning is continuous, for both of us! No school means maximum surf time, freethinking, free imagination. Simple but not too simple: LCHF; Intermittent fasting; HIIT; Functional strength. Yes it’s a long and winding road with plenty of pitfalls and yes it takes courage and risks to make a stand and be different but the health and fitness results for both body and mind are fantastic. And yes, everyone thinks we are weirdos!

I mostly wanted to highlight Jonno’s incredible story. There isn’t much more to say about that. Moving on after your wife dies, being present for your child, bearing the suffering and turning it into a positive force in your lives—that’s incredible. You honor not just your late wife, but everyone else as well. Thanks.

Gertch asked:

Calls to simple cleanliness to reduce impediments to creativity and activity are always good. With a large family, I could use hearing them hourly!

There are many posts I haven’t read, but something on working into more barefoot time would be good. Is barefoot good for everyone, or how does one determine if it is not ok for them? Is sock-footed of the same benefit? Is a painful adjustment period normal? etc.

Barefoot is good for most people, but not everyone. There are no absolutes here.

The longer you’ve spent wearing shoes, the longer it’ll take to acclimate your feet. Shoe-wearing (particularly thick-soled, stiff, prominent-heeled shoes) atrophies the musculature and weakens the connective tissue of the foot. It’s like placing your feet in casts—casts that you wear almost all day, every day. Most of us who try barefooting are coming off years of wearing a cast. It just isn’t smart or feasible to immediately launch into full-blown barefootedness.

I have a post from several years ago explaining how to transition to barefoot walking, running, and training.

Socks are fine. They may slightly blunt the proprioceptive feedback you receive from the soles of your feet interacting with the micro-topology of the ground but not enough to make any real difference.

David wondered:

The suggestion to increase the create:consume ratio resonated with me, in part because I think of creativity as a core element of human nature. I am curious how to fit that idea within a primal perspective. On the one hand, there is evidence for very early creative activity among humans and pre-humans, so there are reasons to say that a primal lifestyle is a creative one. On the other hand, civilization seems to be the accumulated product of human creativity, an ongoing movement away from wildness. It’s as if the lifestyle of our ancestors contained the seed of its own undoing.

I like that: “the lifestyle of our ancestors contained the seed of its own undoing.” That’s a fairly common theme with human endeavors. We get so good at things that we go overboard and end up swinging back around to realize our error of overextension. Many religious scholars, for example, propose that Christianity’s focus on truth seeking led to the scientific revolution, the Enlightenment, and the materialist world view that ended up undermining it.

You shouldn’t be concerned though. Primal isn’t about clinging to the past. It’s about going back and sifting through the past for valuable knowledge, wisdom, and hypotheses about diet, fitness, and health—then bringing them with us into the future. And yes, we often butt up against the future as it unfolds, but we also shape it. I’m convinced the ancestral health community is partially responsible for the increased awareness of the dangers of digital addictions, the perils of excessive sitting, the rise of standup desks, and all the other stuff sweeping the high-tech world. That’s not even mentioning the effect we’ve had on the way people think about food and exercise.

Creation isn’t always about bringing tangible objects into the world. There are thousands of ways to be creative, especially given the tools at our disposal.

Besides: The future is happening. We’re here, we’re in it. There’s no escaping it. We might as well try to make the best of it. We certainly shouldn’t make it worse by disengaging and throwing in the towel. That’s no way to live.

Kelli wrote:

Thank you for mentioning a messy house. My house isn’t messy but life gets busy & we spend so much energy cleaning up.

That reminds me of the story of Sisyphus, the guy eternally relegated to pushing a huge boulder up a hill only to have it reach the top and roll down back the other side. Many people reference Sisyphus as a tragic reminder of the utter pointlessness of most human endeavors. I see it differently. I see it as motivational commentary on the undeniable.

Your job is never done. Not as a parent, a citizen, a friend, a lover, an employee, an entrepreneur, a human. There’s always something to be done. That’s why we all have that kernel of discontent simmering within, no matter what we accomplish or how much money we make.

When I’m writing a blog post, I focus entirely on that post. Nothing else exists for those hours I’m writing. When I finish, I’m relieved. But the next day, there’s the blog waiting for me all over again. Back to square one.

If I try to hold on to that relief, it vanishes. I can’t help but worry about the next project hanging over my head—the one I’m trying to ignore and deny. The trick is to not do that. The trick is to accept my responsibility, to willingly embrace it.

I can either accept my fate, the lot in life I’ve built for myself, the fact that my work is never done and there’s always something else to work on, some task to complete. That’s actually a beautiful reality, isn’t it?

Or I can build up to a crescendo of false contentment—”It’s finally over; now I can rest!”—and crash every day when I realize I have to do it all over again.

I’d choose the first option every single time. You should too.

Karen asked:

About getting sunshine in the winter…it’s plenty sunny out there but it’s also cold. (You’ve seen the new work on Vit. D and sulfonation, yes, no?) Do you uncover head and neck, or unwrap legs. Or bravely unwrap arms and legs? Is one better for exposure?

If it’s vitamin D you’re after, it’s really hard to make any appreciable amounts through sun exposure in winter time. Don’t rely on it.

But wait: There’s still a great reason to get outside in the cold sunny weather. Natural light exposure entrains your circadian rhythm—it helps tell your body that it’s daytime, so that the millions of circadian clocks we house in our cells, organs, and tissues know the time.

You know what? Expose your skin to the air anyway. It’s a good way to build cold tolerance and force your body to upregulate its own temperature regulation, which may activate brown fat and improve metabolic health.

Wendy requested:

More on resetting the circadian system, please. I’ve been trying without much luck on mine.

I’ve done a few posts on the various circadian entrainers, but perhaps I’ll do another post in the future summing up everything we’ve learned. It’s a big topic.

Thanks for the idea!

That’s it for today, everyone. Take care and be sure to add your comments or questions down below!

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watsonrodriquezie · 7 years

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Dear Mark: More Embracing Your Wildness

Let’s go:

First I’m going to include Jonno’s comment, even though it wasn’t a question, for reasons that become obvious once you read it:

Gertch asked:

Calls to simple cleanliness to reduce impediments to creativity and activity are always good. With a large family, I could use hearing them hourly!

Barefoot is good for most people, but not everyone. There are no absolutes here.

I have a post from several years ago explaining how to transition to barefoot walking, running, and training.

David wondered:

Creation isn’t always about bringing tangible objects into the world. There are thousands of ways to be creative, especially given the tools at our disposal.

Kelli wrote:

Thank you for mentioning a messy house. My house isn’t messy but life gets busy & we spend so much energy cleaning up.

Or I can build up to a crescendo of false contentment—”It’s finally over; now I can rest!”—and crash every day when I realize I have to do it all over again.

I’d choose the first option every single time. You should too.

Karen asked:

If it’s vitamin D you’re after, it’s really hard to make any appreciable amounts through sun exposure in winter time. Don’t rely on it.

Wendy requested:

More on resetting the circadian system, please. I’ve been trying without much luck on mine.

I’ve done a few posts on the various circadian entrainers, but perhaps I’ll do another post in the future summing up everything we’ve learned. It’s a big topic.

Thanks for the idea!

That’s it for today, everyone. Take care and be sure to add your comments or questions down below!

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seriouslysoulsearching-blog · 7 years

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Started my job today!

Today was the first day marking the start of my nursing career. There was orientation all about the hospital and it’s values, policies, etc so it was a bit boring sitting in a conference room all day in stiff business clothes and I have three more training days before I’m even on the floor.

What I’m most proud of myself today was that I wasn’t a nervous wreck! I hate having to travel/navigate somewhere new, meet new people, etc. Normally I feel uncomfortable. But not today! I was cool, calm, collected, and CONFIDENT.

As I sat at the table, learning about the institution I’m working for and looking out the window at the bridge and skyline, I felt like I am in the right place at the right time in my life. I finally feel like I’m supposed to be a nurse. Like I deserve to be there. Which may sound silly, but honestly, I’ve doubted myself every step of the way during nursing school. I would get positive feedback from my nursing teachers, clinical instructors, and even just nurses on the floor who made me feel like “this is what I’m meant to do” but I never fully believed myself. But honestly, I’m sick and tired of living in doubt and shying away from my true potential.

My therapist and I talked last week about getting ready for my new job. I could feel the self-doubt thoughts creeping in already and asked how I could deal with this before I was consumed by it. And my therapist’s advice was extremely helpful. Each day, I’m going to reflect on the positive of the day--what I learned, what I knew, what I did good with. And each day, each week, each month, I can look back and reflect on my progress! This is such a healthy habit instead of what I normally would do--which is to fixate on what I didn’t know, what I didn’t do correctly, etc. My therapist also made a good point: they hired me KNOWING I’m BRAND NEW. They’re not gonna be surprised, they’re going to expect to teach me everything. Which is honestly reassuring. It’s not realistic to think I’m going to be a “great nurse” when I literally have zero experience, I am a clean slate. I don’t want to come off as nervous/self-conscious so we also discussed how I can present myself which will be more like “I’m really excited to be here and I’m eager to learn as much as I can because I’m brand new” I think this will help keep my rocky confidence stable and build it up from here with these new habits.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE... I went on a date(ish) this past Saturday. LOL at myself after swearing off dating and then going out again. This guy, Adam, was someone who I connected with on Bumble before turning my profile off and deleting the app from my phone (for my mental well-being) Adam actually asked me out after the first guy fiasco, and I was upfront about not being ready because I got out of a relationship relatively recently. He said he understood as he too got out of a 3 year relationship in August. A few days went by, I sent him a snapchat video of my cat, and I ended up just texting him. We texted for almost a week straight and discovered how much we have in common. He’s also really funny and my kind of weird. We decided to hang out and watch “It’s Always Sunny” together Saturday night at his apartment (since I haven’t seen it all and it’s leaving Netflix at the end of the year)

Honestly, we had a good time! I was so nervous I hardly remember what we were talking about but he was showing me shows on Netflix and teaching me how to use chop sticks before the sushi got delivered. We also snuck downstairs to the unit below him since no one is living there yet. It was spooky but fun. He was taller than me (praise jesus) and CUTE. Not necessarily my exact type but still cute and his personality was very attractive. When we met outside his apartment door he hugged me and invited me. He’s just a friendly, goofy guy who made me smell for what the sour food was in his fridge. After we came back upstairs from sneaking around, I went to my purse to get a mint because I didn’t want sushi but struggled to open my gum package open. I think he might of thought that was a single I wanted to kiss because when I turned around (not successful opening it anyway) he kissed me in the middle of the kitchen. All through out the night I was welcomed to the idea to him kissing me, and while he did, I still welcomed it, HOWEVER, the kissing was a FLOP. We just did not mesh. I couldn’t tell whether he was kissing me on the lips or had his tongue in my mouth so I’d pull away and it felt like we weren’t just kissing on the lips but I didn’t feel his tongue??? Like when I make out, I like serious tongue action. Not like the porn kissing where it looks fucking nasty but more like when your tongues are intertwined passionately. I remember my old high school describing that he wanted to almost play tonsil hockey. Which is hilarious and I appreciate him describing it like that because it turns out I really like it like that. And that is something Adam and I could not agree on. So I pulled away in the kitchen, then we started again in his living room, then moved to his couch where he invited me to sit on him (I like) but the kissing did not improve. Was it because we were both pretty tipsy? We sat on the couch for a couple of minutes talking, and it felt a tad awkward probably because we both didn’t enjoy the kissing. I felt like I was maybe getting the vibe he was “tired”/didn’t want me there, so I said I was gonna get going. He walked me to his front door and hugged me goodbye.

When I was walking away, I was sure we’d probably never hang out again. Which was sort of a bummer because he has a great personality. So when I got home, I texted him and thanked him again for the dinner, told him I had a really good time, and said I wasn’t sure how he felt about it but if he wanted to hang out again, to let me know. Well....he didn’t text back Sunday afternoon but what he said was actually kind of hopeful. I had to consult Kelly and Kira about his text because I couldn’t get a sense on whether he sounded sincere. He said something along the lines of “i had a lot of fun, you’re really cool. i’ll be on a business trip for 12 days (which is true--we talked about it) but maybe when I get back we can hang out” the maybe is what stumped me.

I got some polar advice on how to text back. Kira recommended saying something like “I’d like that! Let me know when you’re back in town” and just saying that. Kelly, however, said I shouldn’t respond at all. She went on to tell me that I should enter the my career feeling focused and not dragged down my uncertainty and negative shit that comes along with dealing with boys (OH, THE BRAIN THING! I don’t think I mentioned it on here--Brian told me the night before thanksgiving that we was really into me, then then GHOSTS ME--like literally removed me on snapchat, blocked my number. i messaged him on instagram and called him a pussy, no lie. It was funny and absurd to figure out I was getting ghosted like honestly it’s such a pussy move I can’t even deal with that like BYEeeee boy!!!!)

Anyway, back to what Kelly was advising me, she said that what I went through with this break up was really intense and that I’m still fragile even though I’m beginning to feel good. I need to focus on ME. I almost want to screenshot what she said because it’s true.

But what did I end up doing? I double texted Adam. I said what Kira told me to say and then an hour later wished him a good business trip with a lil joke attached to it. He replied and then wished me good luck on my orientation. I’ve snapchatted him twice today but haven’t texted him.

I KNOW what Kelly said is so fucking true. I don’t need anything else on my mind except for my career. And hanging out with positive people. I remember coming home after hanging out with Adam, convinced we wouldn’t hang out again, and telling myself I should start seeing someone when I feel more self-assure, more self-confident. Someone who has hobbies who just hasn’t sat around for the past few months moping on the fucking couch. BUt also, part of me wants someone to hang out with. I don’t see myself dating soon but just someone of the opposite sex to get a drink with at the bar, watch a movie with, do something in the city with, whatever. I see myself being able to just do that without getting to emotionally involved or am I just blinded my naivety? Is that even a word?

Part of me wants to check the bumble app just to see if he’s actually in FL on his business. He said he was like 80% sure he was gonna get sent out. Part of me thinks that maybe he’d just say we’d be in touch after his trip as an excuse to let things fizzle out. My dilemma here is, should I let it fizzle out? What I DO know is that I need to give this dude space. Especially because I wasn’t totally over the moon by him, but he was certainly someone I wanted to hang out with more. Which btw, he was very respective about the recent break up and we didn’t even call it a date (even though sushi, netflix, and smooches totally is) I redownloaded the app but I’m to fight off my urge to log on to see his location (it’s kind of creepy isn’t it? me and the fact that bumble shows the town/city the person is currently in)--I don’t want to be crushed/disappointed but I also feel like I’d get an answer.

I GOTTA CALM DOWN. If it fizzles, it fizzles. I don’t want to disappoint Kelly because I really do take what she says to heart because she and I think so much a like but she’s had so many emotional experiences and has been in my position after a horrible break up. She’s providing me guidance. I should follow her advice because I know it comes from a place of concern and caring.

I don’t know we’ll see how this goes. I’m just gonna NOT contact him. It’s gonna be hard but I gotta slow my role. If he’s interested he’ll show it. I’m an attractive, funny, cool, smart chick. If the kissing was enough to turn him off, so be it! But if he actually does want to hang out, I’m just gonna play it real chill and not get into anything serious too soon. I just want to have fun and he’s someone I see have interesting times with.

We’ll see...

Update: I finished this post, checked my snapchat, and he showed me a video of his hotel room and how it’s much better than last time. WHAT AM I DOING

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