#I am so so deeply affected by words and I’m constantly afraid that others are judging me

[herbofgraceandpeace]

—

[boysborntodie]

Latino!Johnny is super popular in the fandom and my headcanon too but I wanted to elaborate a little bit on why I think it's important to both the narrative and his character for Johnny to be so (no matter what SE Hinton says).

(Also I am not Latino or American, and all my information is second-hand so if I'm wrong about something or said something insensitively, I apologise and please correct me!!)

While Greaser is now mostly used to in reference to the subculture, the word 'Greaser' was often used as a slur against Mexican/Hispanic American, especially in the Southwest.

Greaser subculture itself is heavily rooted in ethnic groups such as Italian, Greek, Latino and Hispanic Americans, both influencing the subculture itself while being the main demographic (at least at first, having later spread around to lower class Americans in general and becoming a sort of movement).

Johnny’s main reason as being depicted as a POC seems to be the scene where he tells Ponyboy his skin is too dark for him to have blond hair. But I think it goes beyond just that and that race is a theme ever-present in Johnny’s progression throughout the book.

Now with Johnny, his entire character is, at first, summed up as 'poor kid who's been kicked down too many times'. He’s got no prospects. He’s bad at school. His parents despise him and he’s, for the most part, homeless.

We later learn that Johnny isn’t actually unintelligent in academic matters. He’s able to pick up themes and details quite easily. The education system is very flawed and has failed many students for centuries. Students of colour have often been neglects and even abused by teachers (esp in the past eras). This is espec true of children whose first language isn’t English.

One thing that I’m a little hesitant to get into but I think it important is that Johnny’s constantly noted to use a lot of grease, more so than any other character. He also keeps his hair quite long and unkempt. Hair is a status symbol and sign of pride for greasers but Italian, Greek, Hispanic and Latino people have been stereotyped as unhygienic and unkempt, especially in regards to their hair.

At one point, Johnny and Ponyboy find themselves in need of directions. Johnny suggests Ponyboy pretend to be a farmboy.

Ponyboy’s constantly says that Johnny looks like a kicked puppy and pretty much harmless. But here he notes that Johnny looks threatening to a stranger. I think this is another scene with racial connotations.

A major event in Johnny’s life was the time he was attacked by Bob and his friends. Johnny’s been noted to have developed PTSD, paranoia and anxiety since then. The suddenness of his attack and extent of violence is unusual. Ponyboy also notes that Johnny isn’t afraid of getting hurt due to his abusive father, so it wasn’t the pain but rather it was the fear they made him feel that affected him. Johnny being a POC adds another layer to this entire incident and especially to his paranoia afterwards, especially with the details that are left vague.

The last point I want to bring up is that Johnny’s character is of one who’s deeply embedded into the Greaser subculture. He’s never been outside of Tulsa and doesn’t expect to ever leave. He’s put against character like the Curtises (who are white) who have the power to leave Tulsa (and the class dynamics it symbolises) and even those like Dally who have that power but are too deep to ever use it. Johnny being a POC makes this lack of freedom his other white friends have give his character even more complexity

TL;DR: That is a Latino man.

[itafushin]

Why I think Macaque is extremely BPD coded

Note: This is a breakdown of why I believe Macaque has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and how that shows in his actions and affects how he treats others. I will try my best to properly explain each symptom and how the show writes it into Macaque’s character as a whole. (This will be set up by symptoms and won’t reflect all episodes Macaque appears in, only putting emphasis on season 1 episode 9 and season 2 episode 7 in particular.)

Note: I am a Borderline and this will have some personal experiences reflected in how I deal with my disorder so. With that, let’s begin !!

Favorite Person

This isn’t necessarily a symptom as not every borderline has an fp but it is noted to be an important enough occurrence for it to be a staple of being borderline.

A favorite person is someone incredibly important in a borderline’s life that becomes their constant source of happiness and validation. It’s someone who the borderline goes to for the majority of their attention and heavily relies on that other person to the point where it damages their relationship.

Now you’re probably wondering, ‘What does this have to do with Macaque?’, well I am a firm believer that Wukong was (and still is) Macaque’s favorite person. He is very clearly co-dependent on Wukong and probably has been for centuries. He actively seeks out some sort of response from Wukong as a way to gain his attention. Going as far as messing with the next closest person to the ginger, his successor.

Macaque torments and mocks Wukong constantly because he thrives on negative attention. He may not fully register that it’s negative because it’s attention nonetheless, and it wouldn’t matter if it was positive or not because it has the same effect. With this in mind, you could see him changing the logo on Mk’s jacket as a statement meant to mock Wukong. (Because we know and have seen Macaque be a lot more sneaky with his attacks, he could have easily hidden it but he chose to keep it in the open and the logo even laughs at Wukong.)

He sees Wukong as a hero, someone who is loved widely by others, and this comparison goes hand in hand with Macaque calling him the sun. Something bright that shines upon everything and everyone around them. Mac says these things very bitterly though, despite showing us that he once saw the two as equals.

Because of this, it might be a bit debatable whether Macaque truly hates Wukong or not. Borderlines suffer from extreme emotional dysregulation and tend to amplify their emotions (will elaborate on this further down) so Macaque’s hatred could stem entirely from this dysregulation. But he uses these comparisons as a way to express his emotions without downright saying them, considering it’s safe to assume he sucks at putting his emotions into words. It makes him angry when Wukong doesn’t go all out when they fight, mocking him and lashing out in his anger. To the point where it becomes obsessive, and it’s causing him to spiral into these feelings of anger constantly. (Especially since he’s quick to resolve every problem with a fight)

“C’mon! Show me the real Sun Wukong! The old you would have leveled this whole mountain range to stop me, but now you’re afraid of hurting some kid? Pathetic!”

With the heavy reliance borderlines have on their fps, strong instances of jealousy are bound to sprout up and Macaque is a prime example of how that jealousy can affect someone’s actions towards those around them. When he’s introduced, he’s given this light carefree attitude seemingly to make him feel more approachable, at least from Mk’s perspective. When Mk asks him to teach that move he had done to hit the smoke monster, Macaque is quick to say a very backhanded thing that is very obviously meant to be a jab at Mk’s confidence. Both in himself and in Wukong’s teaching. (This could stem from Macaque’s jealousy of Mk, that this kid is who Wukong cares for so deeply and is able to stay on his good side. Unlike Macaque.) 

“[...]...I’m sure Monkey king would agree. It’s not like he would want to hold you back.”

This jealousy leads to him projecting his insecurities onto Mk and causes him to have this warped impression of the kid before even meeting him. Macaque constantly mentions how alike Mk is to Wukong, in ways that only Macaque seems to notice. They’re all negative traits that Macaque amplifies or may have completely fabricated, calling him selfish and implying that Mk is going to eventually forget about his friends simply because he’s a hero, just as Wukong did. (It could also be part of the reason why Macaque’s steady target has been Mk). He even goes as far as to try and tell Mk he missed the point of his shadow play, causing Mk genuine confusion because he doesn’t believe he’s anything like how Macaque portrays Wukong. “Other people are going to tell you to be patient, they are slowing you down.”

Now, this can be reaching or something entirely different but you could see Macaque’s bitterness towards Wukong and his insistence that he’s a bad teacher slightly stemming from jealousy as well. We know Wukong isn’t actually a bad teacher, or at least not as bad as Macaque seems to emphasize, but he’s been so bitter that he’s convinced himself that Wukong is much worse than he actually is. And because of this, he tries pushing this mindset onto Mk so he doubts Wukong and leaves him, much like Wukong did to Macaque.

The most obvious thing that actually stood out to me first and was the reason I thought Mac had BPD in the first place was how incredibly personally he took the falling out. He reacted so violently to it that it’s permanently stuck on his mind at all times. The emotions from that moment are so amplified that Macaque is unable to move on, latching onto the events like a lifeline because it’s all he knows. He had dedicated the majority of his new life to getting revenge on Wukong for this falling out because he blames all of it entirely on the latter. There’s a headcanon that LBD may have altered his memories of that event to make him further hate Wukong but I don’t entirely believe that’s true. It’s possible LBD probably did have a little tweaking in his memories but I don’t think she altered anything related to Macaque’s feelings about Wukong because he already did that himself. Macaque sees that day as the day Wukong left him, abandoned him for a surge of power, and planted the idea in his own head that Wukong was being selfish. That Wukong must have left because Mac wasn’t useful anymore and therefore he must not have cared all that much, which makes Macaque an unreliable narrator and he’s shown to be manipulative and choosy with how he phrases things. He sees Wukong as a backstabber who was quick to leave as soon as he became that hero that Macaque equates to being close to Heaven. (see pedestal screenshot)

Macaque let himself become so overwhelmed by that abandonment that he firmly believes Wukong didn’t and probably never cared about him to the same degree that Macaque cared. (Even though it is implied that Wukong did care, the two being inseparable and doing everything together. The two even were equals at some point.) And as much as Macaque makes himself want to hate Wukong, he can’t truly do it because he’s still codependent on the other. He still seeks out Wukong’s attention and still aims to mock him, continuously bringing him up when he speaks with the other members of Mk’s group. He sees himself as someone who was ‘too close’ to Wukong and suffered the consequences of that, despite many of the consequences being forced on him by himself. (All this could be why he is so adamant about telling everyone how much he thinks Wukong sucks. He firmly believes Wukong was entirely in the wrong and he had nothing to do with it and jumps at the opportunity to play the victim card. Even if it means leaving out details that might paint it the other way.)

“What would you like to hear? The hero suddenly remembered his beloved friend the warrior? That they lived happily ever after?”

It's obvious that Macaque still cares so deeply for Wukong to the point where it could even be implied that he wants a happy ending. He wishes for that happy ending, to be able to say Wukong did remember him and did come back. Him constantly talking about this falling out and painting himself as the victim could be his way of saying he wishes it ended differently, could be his way of trying to raise a jumpstart in Wukong. It could be a way for him to try and see if maybe something else will come out of this, that doing the same thing over and over might cause a change of outcome. (Obviously, it doesn’t work because nobody knows what he’s thinking, ever.)

Intense fear of abandonment

This symptom is one that I think Macaque struggles with the most. He does not handle rejection that well and will do anything to avoid it, much like how he’ll do anything to avoid abandonment. He saw Wukong reject him and leave him and decided that he’ll never leave Wukong alone, that he will continue to show up because he will always be Wukong’s shadow. He saw Wukong leaving continuously as an attack on him as a person, immediately internalizing it and believing he was the problem. He makes sure to keep Wukong as close as an arm’s distance so that if Wukong does choose to leave again, Macaque won’t be as hurt by it as he was the first time. It causes him to dwell on the past, not being able to stop. He keeps reliving what happened because he truly believes he needs to accomplish some sort of justice against Wukong for what happened. 

Alternatively, Macaque also will do anything to prevent new people from getting too close. When he notices that Mk is starting to grow on him, he starts to withdraw, amplifying his attempts at showing the kid he isn’t worth it. He becomes more and more aggressive throughout season 3, partly because of his rush to get out of lbd’s control but also because he’s slowly beginning to warm up to Mk’s group. (With the way his first initial idea was to try and convince Mk to come with him willingly and when he had done the same thing with Tang.)

He schemes and manipulates the people around him because its in his nature but also to keep their predetermined impression of him stay bad. Macaque hates relying on people, much rather staying and working alone than with others because of the disappointment it usually leads to. He doesn’t know how to properly open up anymore for fear of that other person leaving too.

Unstable relationships

As I’ve mentioned before Macaque’s relationship with Wukong was incredibly unstable. He valued Wukong much more than he valued himself, put Wukong on a pedestal, and idolized him, making him unreachable. But this could also be applied to Macaque’s relationship with Mk.

Macaque trains Mk, genuinely it seems and uses that opportunity to plant things into the kid’s head. Everything goes well before Macaque ultimately betrays him to go against Wukong, that being his ulterior motive the entire time. He continuously goes after Mk, causing the kid distress one after the other all in an attempt to get back at Wukong. Despite this all, Mk’s still willing to give him another chance in season 3 and Macaque doesn’t know how to handle that. (It is shown, or implied at least in season 3, that Macaque ends up showing legitimate care for Mk. He acknowledges that Mk is a good kid on two separate occasions, telling him that he’s happy there’s still “room for potential”.) He just prefers to keep Mk at a distance, despite the fact he seems to wear the title of Mk’s other mentor with pride.

Changes in self-identity and image

“A very, very powerful demon…”

“Since then you’ve had me teaching you! You’re stronger now!”

We all know this man has a ton of confidence, enough that he actively strokes his own ego every time he opens his mouth. His debut shows us how he sees himself as this strong ancient demon (even if he was referring to himself in the third person.) and he sees Mk as ‘stronger’ because he had Macaque teaching him.

Though in the same vein, he also understands that he isn’t as strong as he likes to brag he is. He still needed Wukong’s power to amplify himself before fighting him, again, (and even lbd acknowledges he needed aid and gives him some of her power after so many failed attempts). Macaque is power hungry and thrives on the taste of being powerful, on the thrill that comes from it, but his body can’t handle that power nor does he actually know how to use any of it. It’s part of why he relies more on his shadows and their sneakiness than he does entirely on his power. He’s an illusionist through and through and nothing more, but he keeps pushing himself for more power because he thinks he can handle it. He genuinely believes he can come out of these fights unscathed and winning and that could be the reason why he continues to go after Wukong.

“As the hero’s light grew, so too did his shadow. And soon the warrior was cast in that shadow. In the darkness, the warrior was forgotten by the hero.”

This comparison he has of himself as the moon shows just how alone he truly sees himself. The moon is something that is depicted as being reliant on the sun to shine despite it being alone and far from the sun’s reach. There’s solace in the way the moon rotates around the earth and stays in its own orbit, keeping itself confined to its single path. Sometimes the moon seeks out the sun’s warmth and they do finally come together, they make an eclipse. But the moon is always the one reaching after the sun and Macaque sees himself as constantly in Wukong’s shadow. He sees himself as someone who reached for Wukong and failed, being left behind in the other’s shadow where he truly belongs. He sees Wukong leaving as him losing his purpose, that he couldn’t keep up anymore and now wasn’t someone Wukong could see as an equal.

Macaque sees himself as a warrior, someone who’s a soldier fighting for themself and their own beliefs. He doesn’t think he’s ever capable of being a hero, or ever changing for the better because he pushed himself into this villain role. He’s accepted that he will always be someone’s villain and so he has never actively tried to change (at least not until Mk pushes him to). Even though he actively acknowledges he has things he should talk about, blatantly telling Mk to his face that if he ever did try talking things out they would be there all day. It’s this black and white thinking that keeps him from being better, that keeps him in this endless cycle of manipulation and gaslighting and hurting that he doesn’t ever try to break because he doesn’t see there being a point. He’d rather do anything and everything to get what he wants because just the thought of him doing something right or something different like working with people and helping them makes him scoff.

With how Macaque carries himself and how he seemingly just throws his life around, lbd’s revival of him probably left him with this constant detachment from reality. He constantly feels empty and incorporeal (which could also be from the fact he is. shadows.) He’s scared of death, the idea of merely going back to being non-existent and in chains causes him such full-body stress especially if it’s brought on forcefully by someone’s hands. He’s paranoid, constantly on edge (specifically throughout season 3) because Lbd has his life dangling in front of him and he’s desperate to take it back. Her whispers and chains poke and prob him, keeping him on high alert so much that it becomes a driving force for him to impulsively choose to stop following her orders. Anything to get rid of her.

Inappropriate intense anger

He is repeatedly shown to lose his temper, lashing out at pretty much everyone no matter what they do. He weaponizes Mk’s insecurities against him in anger, threatens his friends to get them to do what he wants, and pushes people into a corner. He’s quick to anger and irritate, especially if he feels he’s starting to lose control over a situation. (Because he is very much a control freak, constantly needing to keep things around him in his control so he can manipulate tier outcomes how he likes.)

All of his anger seems to be misplaced as well. He was so quick to throw all the blame for the falling out on Wukong but never took the time to think about how he could have been wrong too, considering relationships are two-sided. He let this anger fester and alter his once positive view of Wukong and now he just can’t fix it. Macaque’s angrier at the way Wukong left him, feeling more betrayed about that than at the fact that Wukong killed him.

His anger towards Mk is shrouded in insecurities and doubts about himself and Wukong and he feels wronged somehow seeing how much Wukong cares for Mk. Macaque actively tries forcing his mindset onto Mk, trying to worm his way into making the kid see Wukong differently by using his insecurities and doubts against him. He compares Mk to this fabricated impression he has of Wukong and tries to mold Mk into someone he knows Wukong wouldn’t want.

Macaque’s flashback that he gets briefly as Mk lunges toward him shows just how much he hangs onto the past. How much he hangs onto the emotions from that event and how he projects it onto Mk, seeing Wukong in Mk’s place briefly. It’s that same amplified POV that we hear Macaque talk about and Shadow Play shows just how much it shrouds his impression of Mk. Because truthfully, he doesn’t know much about the kid other than the insecurities Mk rambled out to him and that he’s Wukong’s successor. Macaque filled in the remaining gaps with things he took from his initial impression of Wukong and just assumed the two were the same with how close they are. He has no idea where to put all these emotions so he dumps them onto the laps of others to deal with, or to become the targets of.

Final thoughts

Overall, I think Macaque is the biggest bpd-coded character in all of lmk, it’s just right there. In all our faces. He’s an incredibly emotion-driven person, doing things based on how they make him feel rather than if it’s logical. He’s so shrouded in black and white thinking and in his splitting of Wukong that it keeps just a tight grip on his life and he really does need to go to therapy. He needs to learn to move on and actively be better because if this cycle isn’t broken soon he’ll just continue to hurt not only himself but the people around him. Whether he wants to or not.

I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE I tried really hard to articulate my thoughts and such but I might have repeated some things here and there. I also am a firm believer that Shadow Play is actively just one big bpd episode. Like I wholeheartedly believe that whole episode was Macaque having an episode and in the midst of it, he decides to mess with Mk, only to stop halfway through because he snaps out of it and realizes that Mk is being hard on himself enough. He willingly brings back up bad memories through a retelling just to achieve some sort of I told you so moment with Mk only for it to backfire on him and just make him feel worse. (while also attracting the attention of lbd)

I think it’s such an important episode to Macaque’s character and what comes of him, especially since it opens the gates to why he decides to do the things he does in season 3. It has so many details in it that show just how unreliable Macaque can be as a narrator, especially when he’s having moments like that. It shows how he’s the selfish one, not Wukong, and how he let something like this mold him into something so unrecognizable from his past self. All because he was filled with rage and betrayal. It’s easier to fight and hate each other than it is for Macaque to apologize for whatever he may have done and amend. It’s easier being the villain to everyone and being hated rather than owning up to your mistakes and trying to be better. He finds comfort in his black and white thinking, finds comfort in how the others hate him, and actively avoids fighting him.

ALSO THIS.

THE PARALLELS !!! It’s a moment where things finally actively dawn on Wukong and he’s suddenly in Macaque’s place, their roles reversed. Macaque being the one who has the upper hand, finding that “power beyond comprehension” and leaving Wukong behind. In reference to their relationship, it could be seen as the moment Macaque finally gets Wukong to understand how he felt when the latter left, how he felt being left behind. He finally makes Wukong feel how he felt, that same desperation at watching the other’s back being turned. But Macaque’s is tainted, being forced onto him, and is actively eating away at his body. It’s reflectively of how Macaque remembers it but it isn’t the exact same.

[little-shiny-sharpies]

3, 4, and 8?

3. How do each of you express affection? 

Wrathion does grandiose gestures like gifting high quality things such as rare and beautiful crystals, the fancy expensive wine that comes in bottles not shaped like bottles, fresh crab (I go absolutely nuts for crab IRL that stuff is so delicious but expensive), and does love hugs, we always give him hugs when we leave somewhere, . Kalec likes saying compliments or simply stating observations he makes about us, He also sends mirror images when he's busy for surprise "I love you"s and smooches when we least expect it. I do random combos of words, things i make, things i find, and sooooo many cuddles. So many, cuddles and hugs and smooches.

4. Are there different dynamics in your ship? If so, what are they?

Ok so me and Kalec are an autism to autism romance like. WALL-E and EVA during that scene where EVA scans for a plant and WALL-E just shyly scuttles around following them and gets buried in shopping carts and then WALL-E shows them their human stuff. When they give EVA the rubix-cube and turn around to grab the lightbulb and return to it solved and go "Woah!" and hand them the bulb to look at it and the bulb glows in EVA'S hand and then they both go "woah" and mess with it? That exact scene is so us. So many cool and beautiful things in the world to understand.. I can't use magic very well if at all and am at a lot of disadvantages with arcane stuff and Kalec will cast a spell for me so I can see what it's supposed to look like and I can try to copy it. I sometimes go extra slow to see him do it again just to see him in the light of his spells..

Kalec and Wrathy are opposites but also the same in a way..? They both deeply care about keeping the world safe and rising above their predecessors shadows to pave a better path for their kind, they both see mortals as equals unlike most dragons and enjoy living among them. They are so balanced together it's amazing, they bring out the best in each other and have such a deep understanding of what the other has been though and what they want and their fears and to try and put it into a sentence: They're like 2 sides of the same coin.

Me and Wrathy are more of a fiery/ sassy but also sad duo and both tend to dig our claws into the other 2 sometimes because we're so afraid to lose them so we are very clingy and easily stressed. We understand what it's like to be considered an abomination of nature to the world and "lesser" than others, so we make sure to show the other we love them constantly which does sometimes turn into annoying PDA that Wrathion does love because he likes showing me off like “Look at how sweet and pretty my girlfriend is, this is mine and our boyfriend’s and you can’t have any! You missed out!” And I’m just thinking “OUGHHHHOHOHO WHEEEE I PULLED HIM!! wait we’re in the middle of the market”

8. Is there any clothing sharing? Does one partner “steal” clothes from the others?

OK so firstly I think visage clothes are like. magic so you can take them off and away from the dragon and they can just magic it back if they lost it or just make a new one like *poof* and its the exact same. BUT to answer the question that would be me 90% of the time ｀(^ᴗ^)´. I'll steal their overcoats and wear them on me as robes with the sleeves rolled up or like cloaks around my neck or waist since they're both bigger than me tho Kalec is quite a bit bigger. I'll steal Wrathion's earrings, gloves, his necklace on a few occasions, and I'll steal Kalecs belt bc that thing looks like a giant marble and i just know it's got some great stimmy texture and sounds. They usually only steal my scrunchies and wear them as bracelets or use them to tie their hair up and it makes me go (｡♡ʊ♡｡)

[afieldinengland]

You must think me a terrible fool now, lover, after what's happened, for many reasons. I certainly feel terrible, both because of the accident and because of my own reaction at that moment. Not to mention, even though I know my own intentions, I wouldn't hold it against you if you grew suspicious of me - why stay so terribly anonymous if you have nothing to hide, after all? I know a lot about you, and you - much less about me.

I know we've agreed on that before and I stubbornly thought this has to be forever and our courtship cannot function in any other way - which is obviously untrue. While I am relieved that you can't recall my other url, let me say what I think I've said before: if you ever feel the need to know me, my personal blog, details about me, you only ever have to ask, even right now. I shouldn't have worried that much about the whole thing. Your comfort and safety always comes before my own love of being mysterious. I think the main reason for my foolish reaction was that it was an accident, not something I did on purpose, after thinking about it and discussing it with you.

A part of me is quite surprised that it happened now and not many months before. I'm constantly one misclick away from letting everyone know my identity.

Now this letter is getting quite long so I'm going to finish soon, but let it be known that I would love nothing more than to write twice as much about how I love you and treasure you and how grateful I am for your constant patience and generosity and that I want this letter to be a shower of apologetic and grateful kisses to rain on your face and your hands and golden-painted fingers

- your Herb Wine Anon, now with a great weight lifted off my heart (I stupidly put it there myself)

not at all, softhearted one 💓 goodness, you have nothing to feel terrible about. it was a simple accident, and your reaction was entirely reasonable under the circumstances. i think we both value this companionship for how unique it is, and so much of that lies in the anonymity it involves— so anything that unseats that for a moment can understandably be very worrying. i’m not suspicious of you, i promise, though i appreciate the understanding that i could be. it’s true that i don’t know as many details about your life as you do mine, but i would never push you to share something you weren’t willing to. honeyheart, i’m a little lost for words, i’m so grateful that you’d trust me with the potential to alter our correspondence like that. i must admit i felt the same way, that this could only work if we remained masked, in a sense. i don’t think it’s stubbornness that drives us to feel that way, though— i think we’re only afraid that what we have is delicate, because that’s the kind of bond we’ve become accustomed to in the past. but lover, i want you to know that i trust you deeply, and if i ever want to know something about you i will ask, knowing that you’re comfortable with sharing it. your fears were totally understandable. all i want to say is that knowing you in terms of detail wouldn’t diminish the way i know you in terms of feeling. i love the mystery too, and i hope you still think me mysterious even though the lion’s share of revealing has been my own. but as you say, our comfort and safety must be the thread that runs through even the most feline word games we might play. thank you so much for valuing my sense of safety so highly, i must admit it feels a little unprecedented, even now. i did think ahead about what might happen if this were to occur, and in a way it’s been a joy to know that we can communicate so honestly about it. i love you and i cherish you, sunlit devotee, and i could write this letter twice over thanking you for being so candid and so gentle about this. oh, heart, you have nothing to be apologetic for!! take this as a rain of forgiving kisses, then, to soothe your worries and prove the constancy of my affection. i love you, i love you, you make me feel golden in a way no one ever has before— sweet one, come here, rest

[humansun]

the blog has been updated after like 6 months of afk

Written Wednesday, May 24th at 8:31AM

How will I be brave if I am afraid to publish my own feelings? What makes you brave in media? If you say how you feel, not concerned about other people’s judgements.

I am deeply worried about other people’s judgements. I’m afraid to be wrong or be too biased or just, suck. But the truth is, everyone in the world is judged. There is no escaping it. Even if you’re Rihanna you could be negatively judged by people. It’s whether you give a fuck about it that matters. (If you do something wrong to fix it as well.)

Today, I am addressed with the same question. How do I make the impossible possible? If I make the impossible seem possible. If I pay attention to the little steps that I could take. If I am able to see my world that is filled with opportunity. If I just try.

That’s all anyone could ask of me. For me to try. 

As for my relationship with my family, I feel like it’s a process. One that seems endless. Like it’s never going to have a nice bow tied at the end. It’s just going to be a constant manifestation of guilt for whatever I feel I’m not doing.

Being raised a people pleaser is something that has really done me wrong, and trying to undo this internalized behavior is cumbersome, to say the least. All I have been focusing on is trying to get by.

Yesterday, I also learned two things:

Starting my day off with the question about what would make me happy specifically today

And how sadness is valid and allowing someone to feel it and support them through it is truly the best thing you could do as a supportive family member or friend

The podcast I was listening to yesterday had to do with a girl named Abby who talked about her realizations at 25. I chose to listen to this podcast because it would feel nice to relate to a specific person on their realizations they’ve had up to this point. One thing she pointed out was a quote about us being gardens and how we expect ourselves to work as machines.

I thought this quote captured a lot of what I felt personally in my journey towards my career and my life. I constantly think about productivity and efficiency when truthfully, everyday does not look like that for me. When it doesn’t, I easily feel guilt.

Bettering my relationship with guilt is something I want to grow on this year. I don’t know exactly how I’d do that, so I’m going to Google it and put my best tips below:

Ok basically acknowledge/identify your feelings

Recognize what you did or did not do wrong

Build yourself up and be conscious of victimizing/internalizing your feelings

Remember that you are human and this does not define you

Not the best notes as I just skimmed a couple articles, but better than not acknowledging at all. I feel as though we don’t realize what really affects us until we find the language and understanding for it and realizing that we are not alone because we are often part of a larger phenomena.

For a while, I felt like 2022 was an aimless year where I didn’t get to be a Production Manager or get the raise I wanted at Disney. It was a year where I felt I didn’t achieve a specific goal. However, I did. I went to Vietnam like I said I would. I went because I truly wanted to commit myself to that task and I overcame the goals that came with it.

The start of 2023 did not come with it’s own proper goal setting, reflection, and intentionality around it. It just sort of happened. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I think that having a later start in the year was essential to me being deeply reflective of my life right now and what it looks like for me.

There is no essence of perfect in my life at this time. I think my levels of enthusiasm for life have decreased significantly. I feel as though I often embody the word “jaded”. The interactions I have on a weekly basis have a lower vibration than I would like. I wonder what it is about my life that has led to this point of grey.

It must be temporary for there were moments in my journey where I felt colorful, bright, and that I made sense as a human. I am bound to feel that way soon, maybe not at the moment. Maybe at this moment, I am made to focus on what I can do, enjoy what I can enjoy, and just be present.

Gratitude became a toxic trait for me after understanding that I’ve had a strange relationship with gratitude my whole life. That gratitude was something mandatory to feel in the household, and so I carried that along with me in my daily life. Not having gratitude was a bad thing, and I find myself judging others who don’t seem to practice gratitude as often as I do.

I count my blessings and I try to be as conscious of the gratitude I give out, to ensure other people feel secure. There’s a certain level of people pleasing that is tied to this gratitude, and I want to adjust how I practice gratitude. I feel an endless amount of it. But I also feel my sadness in the back of my throat.

All of these emotions and feelings, as complicated and complex as they are, are valid, true, and reasonable. As a human being, we are only doing our best on the planet and we are not perfect. That is a word I will never be. I will only be the best person that I could be and that will always be worthy and loved. 

I’m going to be okay. I’m happy that I’m even writing again because it is a therapeutic process for me. I hope at one point in my life that writing will be a consistent thing I do. 🙂

[fleursdemeduse]

Remembrance AU: Little Brother Knows Everything

I lied. Here's a bonus chapter.

Warnings: Mention of Death ; Unrequited[?] Love ; Mention of bombs ; Jealousy

Words: 3.1k

Tommy may have been an idiot, but he wasn’t stupid. He noticed the little things more often than he didn’t. But there were four things he knew about you better than anyone else.

Tommy knew that you liked tea.

Siblings, and people in general, seem to have this habitual kind of indicator of their mood. Some people bounced their leg when they were nervous, others liked to twiddle their thumbs or pop joints; It’s different for everyone.

But he could always tell how [y/n] felt by the tea they were drinking.

When they were nervous, they made tea brewed from lavender buds collected from a flower field they often visited with Technoblade or Phil. They brought Tommy once. He had run around the whole area with infinite energy before the blond climbed the tree. He had climbed higher and higher until he could feel the warmth of the setting sun shine on his face. The branch broke, but when he plummeted, he wasn’t scared. They were at the bottom, waiting to catch him. They were always waiting to inevitably catch him no matter if it was from his own stupid decisions or from someone else’s. They got nervous a lot, but when he was by their side, he could never be.

When [y/n] was stressed, they made tea out of the peppermint leaves in their garden. The scent filled their house while it brewed and the act of harvesting the herb was “soothing”. Tommy wasn’t sure how weeding was supposed to be relaxing, but he happily did it when their newest sibling figure asked him to. He remembered pulling out a whole mint plant the first time he had worked beside them, unknowing that that was the plant he was supposed to be protecting. They had laughed, gently scolding him, before setting it aside. Even if they were stressed out, they never took it out on him.

When he was sad or upset, they made chamomile tea with honey. Chamomile is a calming flower, he remembered them saying once. And the honey helped you remember that golden days were ahead. They made it for him every morning after he would wake up in the bed he seemed to sleep in more than his own. Sometimes the honey came from Technoblade, sometimes they had retrieved it themselves from wild hives, but they always seemed to get the best stuff. Even when he cried or started to -what was the word they had used? Disassociate? That sounded correct-, he could expect the mug to be pushed into his hands, a sugary but not cloying aroma wafting off it. He always felt much better when he left. He could never remember seeing them drink the tea, despite having such an abundance of it. Did they even get sad? He had never witnessed it.

When they were happy, they made black tea of various kinds and drank sweet iced tea that reminded him of what diabetes would taste like if it were liquid. They drank this with him almost daily. It was always a new blend they wanted to try and perfect or one they wanted him to taste. He loved smelling this tea the most. When its fragrance filled the air, somehow, everything felt right in the world. He couldn’t recall a single time when he didn’t see them on the porch, drinking the amber liquid out of a glass when they knew he’d be coming over for dinner.

It was the days when you didn’t drink tea at all, he was afraid.

Tommy knew that no matter what someone did to them, [y/n] wasn’t afraid to make enemies or insert themselves between their friends and any sort of danger to protect them.

Dream was surprised to see [y/n] at the meeting between the Greater Dream SMP and L’Manburg. It was only supposed to be him and George convening with Tubbo and Tommy. They held no real power in the country. They didn’t belong in this meeting, just like they didn’t belong in this timeline.

He watched the way they, during George and Tubbo’s discussion, rested a hand on Tommy’s arm when his hands clenched hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He saw how they would murmur quietly to him and the child would relax ever so slightly. He noticed the nods they gave the blond when he looked to the adult for confirmation after he made a questionable statement. He observed your true role here.

“Nice to see you replace Wilbur so quickly, Tommy. That’s good. He was a horrible role model for you.” His lips curled behind his mask at the shocked expression on everyone else’s face aside from the vice president before him. His eyes were sharp, angry. “Maybe without his influence, you’ll actually be a competent leader for something.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Considering L’Manburg was supposed to be totally destroyed and returned back to the Greater Dream SMP, I’m glad you found someone a bit less self-destructive to help keep you under control. We all know Wilbur did a horrible job at it.” Watching the child soldier stand quickly gave him a certain satisfaction.

“Fuck you, bitch! I don’t need to be told what to do.” Dream watched [y/n] give Tommy a warning look and the way he ignored it.

“And yet you followed someone who lost his own presidential race and blew up his own country before seeking out validation from someone else.”

“I don’t-”

“Tommy.” He watched the blond flinch at the edge to your voice and look down at you.

“He’s saying I-”

“I’m aware. He’s just trying to rile you up. It’s what he does. Ignore him.” The glare they sent him made a sharp jolt go down his spine, but he couldn’t help the chuckle that spilled from his covered mouth.

“Listen to your sibling, Tomathy. At least this one is sane. And if they kill themself, they’ll come back.” Tommy opened his mouth once more to say something before it snapped closed and he released a breath through his nose.

“I don’t need this.” The slam of the door echoed through the now quiet room.

Dream’s attention was immediately back on [y/n]. He watched them square their shoulders and lower their head to look him dead-on. Their glare met him with a hidden fury threatening to break forth and raise the hell that seemed to be just as deeply rooted in them as it was the company they kept. Their lips were pursed in a way that made his own grin grow larger. "Wilbur may not have been the best man. He may have hurt me and put the rest of L’Manburg in this situation. But that is our business alone, and you have no right to say anything bad about him or about Tommy, for that matter."

There was a pregnant pause and he heard George start laughing awkwardly to dispel the tension before being hushed hurriedly by Tubbo.

“And what is it you’ll do to me if I do?” Dream kept his voice level.

“You know why I’m here and who’s behind me. You can use your imagination..” They stood, chair scraping against the floor loudly. “I’m going to check on Tommy.” “But we’re not done!” They stopped at the door, hand resting on the handle.

“I’m sure you can handle the rest by yourself, Tubbo. You know what to do.” They looked at him over their shoulder, before glancing over George and then settling on the man in green. “Don’t you ever speak his name ever again. Or we just might have to build that prison you mentioned. Am I understood?” Sullen nods came from the monarch and the president as they stormed out.

“Well, that was something.”

Tommy had been sitting in the hallway, curled in on himself the same way he had been after the Pit incident.

“Toms?”

“Why is he even here?”

You sat next to him, back resting against the wall.

“Because he cares about George. Kinda like why I was in there for you.” You felt the taller lean against you and relax when you wrapped your arm around him. “I’ll always be here for you, Kiddo.”

You felt him nod and you pressed a kiss to his hair.

“You know I’m not trying to replace Wilbur, right?”

“Of course not. We were like brothers.” His lips quirked a little when he heard your laugh.

“If he were here, I’m sure he’d tell you not to say that or he’d cry.”

“Good. Fucking bitch.”

He didn’t know what he’d do if you never came back.

Tommy knew that the only other person who loved you as much as he did was Technoblade.

Techno had never felt jealous of Tommy before. Or really anyone. He was pretty secure in his position as your best friend, and the vast amounts of platonic affection you showered him with kept him content. Even during the Pogtopia rebellion, watching the looks and touches Wilbur gave you or seeing the child sneak into your bed for another night in a row didn’t make him jealous. So why did he suddenly have the very real impulse to shove the blond off the side off a cliff just to retake some of your attention?

The hybrid watched you talk with your hands as you recounted the night before and your surprise at finding Tommy already there when you came home from Phil’s. He was happy he had been right. You and Philza were similar in many ways and got along well. You would constantly joke with Techno that you were trying to get yourself adopted by the older blond and he would just respond with an amused “don’t tempt him, he might.”. You would always laugh in response.

That was always the best sound.

He listened to your words as he topped off the teacup in front of you with more of the red-tinted liquid. The warm scent of earl grey and roses wafted off of the cup tinged with the subtle tang of the orange peel he had added on a whim. You were right in your suggestion. Citrus always makes deeper teas better.

“If it’s really that bad, the offer to move in still stands. I have more than enough room and you can escape that raccoon.” He snickered at the pout that rested on your lips.

“I never said that I didn’t like it! And don’t call Tommy a raccoon.” He sipped his own tea.

“It’s true. Gets into trash, beady little eyes, a nuisance. He even breaks into your house.”

“He has a key, Tech. It’s different.” You had rolled your eyes at him, but the smile on your face spoke of your fondness for them both. He felt the small well of jealousy in his chest flare. Did Tommy know how privileged he was? He hoped the child knew.

“I’m just sayin’. Whenever you want to leave that place, my door will always be open for you.” He watched your smile soften and the firm squeeze when you reached across the table for his forearm.

“I appreciate it, but Tommy needs me still. Maybe one day, okay?” He grunted at you and you giggled. “Who knows, maybe Phil will come with! He could build his own little cabin and everything.”

“I’ve already extended the offer to him as well. He said he’ll think about it.” You shook your head.

“He’s probably trying to figure out how close to the meadow he’d be in comparison.”

“Man loves the flowers, what can he say?”

“Sure, it’s definitely the flowers.” You sipped your tea with a knowing grin.

“What else would it be?” He watched the glint in your eyes, seeing exactly what Tommy had always said about you. They had seemed a lot deeper lately, more knowledgeable. The child had always claimed that you spoke like you knew more than you let on and he saw it in your smile sometimes, but the look you were giving him right at that moment confirmed it.

“Maybe it’s all the memories.”

He couldn't imagine you not returning the feelings they both held for you, despite the vast difference.

Tommy knew that you wouldn’t hide anything from him unless it was absolutely imperative.

He found you sitting in the living room, curled into an old recliner that you would never tell him where it came from. You felt Tommy haphazardly throw his arms around your shoulders from behind, releasing a small sigh of contentment as he pressed his face further into your neck.

"Hey, Kiddo, what’re you up to?" His grip on you slackened, and you could almost feel his face draw up to a small pout. He absolutely hated that nickname but couldn’t deny the small warmth that flared in his stomach whenever you called him it.

"[Y/n], how many times have I asked you to stop calling me that?" He removed himself from you when you shrugged your shoulders.

"Sorry, Toms, the nickname stays. You're too much of a brat for it to leave." He groaned, eyebrows drawing together. You knew he wasn’t entirely mad at the name. He wouldn’t have whined the way he did if he truly wanted you to stop. You and Tommy seemed to share a wavelength. It wasn’t the same one you shared with Techno, but it was just as perfect. You wished you could tell him why it was.

The realization set a rock that started in your throat and slowly started to sink to your stomach. It spread through you, causing a wet hot sensation to form behind your eyes. You’d never be able to tell your little brother your deepest secret. What if he hated you? What if he told everyone else and they cast you out? What if he felt he couldn’t trust you anymore?

Carefully pulling yourself out of your own thoughts, you looked up at the child. “I’m sorry, what was it you wanted?”

"Can I talk to you?" Your eyes flicked to the book you were reading before back to him. You knew what he wanted. A bookmark was wedged between pages and the room was silent before you stood. "Sure, kiddo. Is it going to be a long chat?" You set off to the kitchen, soon pouring some water into an old kettle that Phil had given you the day that you had awoken. You had been “gone” for over a full day. Aside from Phil, no one else knew what had happened and where you went.

An opaque jar was pulled from the cupboard, carefully opened, and he watched as purple buds, green leaves, and yellow-white flowers were deposited gently onto the mesh cloth that you would tie into a sachet. He had never seen them combine those teas. He didn’t even realize you had such a large jar of it stored.

“What happened at Phil’s?” You hesitated before steadying your hand and pouring the steaming water into a teapot before setting the sachet in. It floated for a moment before you used the string to dunk the bag a few times to soak it before it sank midway.

You only pulled one mug down.

You gestured for him to sit at the table and he took it. You could see the way his anxiety rose even higher when you didn’t sit across from him.

“What day? I’ve been at Phil’s a lot lately.”

“Oh fuck off. You know what day I’m talking about.” You shrugged, trying to keep your expression even.

“I really don’t, Tommy. You’re going to have to narrow it down for me.” Your fight or flight instincts were dialed to high when he gave you a knowing look.

“You don’t have to lie to me, [y/n]. I’m not a child.”

“Yes, you are, and I’m not lying.” You flinched when he slammed his hands on the table, chair screeching as it was slid back with too much force before it fell backwards.

“Then why have you changed?” You froze. “You used to love spending time with me before-”

You wanted to reach out, to comfort him, when you saw his lips quiver, but he turned his head away from you. He couldn’t look you in the eye.

“Before you were gone for almost two days and came back wrong. You don’t talk like how you used to either. It’s like you know things, but like, more than you used to. And come to find out from Ranboob, you had gone to Philza’s house. What did he tell you?”

You just shook your head, wanting to tell him you remembered him. You remembered every timeline he was in. Every moment he had fought for what he believed in and won. Every time he had died. Every timeline he could have died.

“Did I do something? Is it because of Ghostbur? Do you-” He looked back up at you, looking exactly like the sixteen year old he was supposed to be. “Do you hate me?”

“Of course not, Tommy. Why in the world would you ever think that?”

“Then why won’t you tell me what’s going on? Siblings don’t keep secrets.”

“They do when they’re trying to protect the ones they love, Tommy.” You watched his face grow red in frustration.

“You’re not always gonna be there for me, [y/n]!”

“You don’t know that.”

“Why won’t you just tell me?” His voice broke, and so did your heart.

“Because you’re still just a kid, Tommy. And I think sometimes you forget that. And everyone else too. And I can’t tell anyone what happened.”

“But why? I stopped being a child when we won our first war. I should be able to hear about this!”

“Because the things I saw, the things I heard, no one else should have to bear this weight.” You swallowed back your tears. This was no time to cry. “You can be mad at me all you want, Tommy. But I’m still the same [y/n] who tucks you into bed and links pinkies with you on the Prime Path and who will always be there for you.”

The hurt look he gave you would haunt you for the rest of your lifetimes.

“Then why won’t you let me be there for you?” You could only shake your head.

“Because that’s not how it works, Kiddo.” Tommy’s eyes hardened and he sucked in a quivering breath.

“Fine.” He started walking back towards the door.

“Toms, where are you going?” He didn’t answer you.

His tea was bitter and cold by now, and for a moment, he couldn’t help but feel the same.

Tommy knew all those things about you. So why did it feel like maybe he didn’t know you at all?

[anxious2dsimp]

General Dating Headcanons | Sero, Todoroki & Bakugou

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

Pairings: Sero x Reader, Todoroki x Reader, Bakugou x Reader

Reader: Gender Neutral!

Format: Headcanons​

Warnings: Cursing bc Bakugou 🙄 (as if I wasn’t the one who picked him lmao)

Request: :))) hellooooo :D hmmmm may i get general dating headcanons for sero, todoroki, and [insert your favorite character]? 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 @smexy-goose

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

Hi again!! Omg yes, I’ll gladly write some hcs for the best bois! I had a hard time picking a fave, but since I have written for Kami and Kiri in the last request I decided to go with blasty boy❤️ (Also, I’m trying a new way to post requests, I hope it works!)

Sero Hanta

I feel like Sero is genuinely so fun to date, just like he said in that one dorm episode, he’s always the wild card.

He’s a goofball, so he adores making you laugh and smile as much as he can. I love him omg😭

Will definitely take advantage of his height (he’s among the taller ones in the class) and give you surprise hugs from behind and rest his head on yours.

He’ll also use his quirk on you for everything from pranks to just randomly pulling you to him to give you a quick peck or a hug :’)

He’s pretty standard with PDA, so he won’t go around making out with you in public but he will do little gestures like those <3

In private I feel like he’s definitely cuddly, he’s just so happy to be with you!

He loves having you over at his room to just chill or be in each other’s presence, even if you’re doing stuff individually.

Speaking of, the bakusquad definitely complains about you having privilege in using the hammock in Hanta’s room. 

Denki will whine like; “why does y/n always get to use the hammock? You said it was out of bounds!”

“That’s on pretty privilege, sorry! And you’re just jealous you don’t have a cool s/o like mine,” Sero will say and poke his tongue out from the hammock where you’re swinging togehter :’) 

I’m warning you now, if you had a healthy sleep schedule before going out with him, you can kiss it goodbye.

Sero will absolutely be up till like 3 am sending you memes and tiktoks that remind him of you.

And with him blowing up your phone you’ll most likely end up talking into ungodly hours of the night, the *sleep deprivation* only causing funnier conversations.

Those will end up becoming inside jokes that he’ll bring up to make you laugh while the rest of the class is like ???

That also results in some weird ass nicknames sorry not sorry

So he’ll sometimes call you regular stuff like babe and other times... he’ll call you things like “Bert” (FOR NO REASON??) or “Candied Blood Pumping Organ” instead of sweetheart lmao

Overall you two are just THE chaotic couple (and if you’re not generally that way he will bring out that side of you)

Pranking your classmates? Pranking each other? Random ass adventures? Trying weird food together? Dancing in the kitchen at midnight while sharing late night snacks? By going out with him you said yes to all of the above.

From sneaking out of the dorms for late night food runs to occasionally skipping class to go to the arcade or the beach, you usually can’t go a week without doing something fun togehter.

This one time you two were out with the Bakusquad and y’all stopped by a supermarket to get food. 

So you had to ask Bakugou to buy you something bc you and Sero had to stay outside and just hand him the money.

He was like “tf?? why? Just buy your shit yourselves!” You had to explain you two were banned from the store because Hanta had accidentally crashed a cart he was driving you around in into a display of cereal boxes.

Ah yes, good times.

Todoroki Shoto

I feel like he’ll definitely need a small push when it comes to relationships bc of his past, but once you’re with him he’ll care deeply about you and will try to make you as happy as you make him :’)

I’m begging you, please give this boy some luv and affection!! For the most part you’d probably initiate PDA because he’s too nervous to do it himself

At the beginning he wouldn’t even be comfy cuddling, solely because he’d be afraid of hurting you somehow :(

But once you’ve reassured him he complies, and from then on out you just have to open your arms and he’ll instantly know it’s *cuddle time*

It’a one of his favorite pastimes bc he just feels so safe and loved <3 he also just loves the feeling of you playing with his hair

Luckily you get to do it year round since you cuddle his hot side in the winter and cold side during the summer

I feel like he’s secretly insecure, so the fact that you trust him and love him for who he is makes him feel like he could melt <3

Because of that you’re the only one he truly opens up to and shows his real feelings to, not to mention the only one who can touch his scar

And though he isn’t great with words, one look at him during one of these personal moments when its just you two, and you can just see it in his eyes.

Especially if you kiss his scar, his eyes might even get teary this sweet boy I 😭

That’s also probably why he shares his precious cold soba with you

Since you’ve been together, Shoto has just been so much happier, so his siblings and mother LOVE you.

They’re constantly inviting you over for dinner when Endevour is working (bc he’s a huge buzzkill to say the least), and his mom adores when you come with Shoto to visit her :)

Todoroki really enjoys seeing you get along with the people he cares the most about...

 BUT what he hates is THE EMBARRASING STORIES HIS FAMILY TELLS YOU OMG (you live for them, but I wouldn’t tell him that if I were you)

“Fuyumi remember when Shoto-” “Natsuo, no💙“ your bf will say as he unconsciously squeezes your hand, both of the siblings laughing at Shoto’s glare.

You had to hold in your laughter so hard omg

Though he isn’t that talkative, you guys definitely have that kind of relationship where you two could be silent and still feel completely comfortable (oh I’m so jealous of that but nvm)

He’s definitely observant, so expect the most considerate gifts and the most assertive observations, he’ll always know what you need.

The type of observant that gives you a water bottle before you even notice you’re thristy during training, or switches sides while walking so you loop your arm with his on his warm side when you’re cold.

Also the type to gift you that one thing you really wanted but mentioned once like months ago along with your favorite snacks/drink (you best believe he has them all memorized bc he’s just that attentive)

Over all, just a really soothing relationship were you can be comfortable with each other and feel at home when you’re together.

Bakugou Katsuki

Ok so, I feel like you’d be a competitive couple, turning anything into a competition in an endearingly annoying way.

You’re definitely the type of couple to go to laser tag, an escape room, an arcade, etc, as dates >:) but the competitions don’t end there:

Who can plan the best date? Who can make the other blush first? Who can get the other the better gift? Who’s the better kisser? Who gets the higher score in class? Or wins at sparring?

Especially when it comes to productive stuff like training or academics, although he won’t admit it, he’s just pushing you to be your best because he knows how amazing you are :’)

All the bakusquad knows about your shenanigans and at this point they’ve learnt to stay out of it & go get the Advil just in case bless their souls lmao

I’m sorry but he definitely calls you nicknames that purposely piss you off (with no ill intentions ofc), like “gremlin”, “dumbass” or “booger”

I suggest you also call him stuff like that back, like “angry pom” or “blasty” to get on his nerves >:)

You guys also definitely friendly bicker all the time, knowing that you take it lightly (though strangers won’t, resulting in some hilariously awkward situations)

“You’re such a fucking idiot,” he’ll say rolling his eyes as he messes up your hair.

Just watch his smirk dissapears when you reply, “no, u❤️″ It gets on his nerves, I just know it.

So he’ll chase you around as you call each other random stuff. While the other people at the convenience store are just like  👁👄👁

He never means it tho, keep in mind if you’re dating the self proclaimed future no. 1 hero he thinks highly of you :)

So he’d definitely be protective while simultaneously showing you off <3

Will always greet you with a kiss and keep his hand on your back or waist so ppl know you’re with him

RIP anyone who tries to hurt or flirt with you, I say try bc Bakugou will be exploding them even before they get the chance😅

Denki’s definitely almost gotten his brows blown off his face bc of that lol

Speaking of, the bakusquad still can’t get over the fact that THE lord explosion murder has a soft spot for you,

You mean you take care of his injuries, scold him when he burns himself out, touch his hair, and hug him when his moody... and you DON’T get cussed out and blown up? Shooketh

However they don’t see what happens behind closed doors, & how you’ve helped him with all the trauma he has experienced

You’re the only one who he is vulnerable with, you’ve seen him cry and he tells you about his nightmares and fears

You do the same with him, and you promise each other to get through anything together, which you’ve done so far :’)

Bc of that his parents love you, and his mom’s always going on about how she’s so glad you “stand” his son😂

Why can’t he be real ughhh

[seriouslysnape]

Hii would you maybe write remus x reader where its the night before the full moon and remus is really horny like A LOT and so reader takes care of him and makes him cum multiple times ? (Nothing to kinky , just needy loving fucking?)

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW. I’M BLUSHING SO HARD AT THIS I AM GOING TO EXPLODE. 

I, uh....NEED YALL TO LEMME KNOW IF I DID OKAY ON THIS BECAUSE I WAS BLUSHING SO HARD THE WHOLE TIME I WASNT EVEN SURE WHAT I WAS SAYING. 

__

With a Vengeance 

Remus Lupin x Fem. Reader

Warnings: Smut.

Word Count: 2,818

“You deserve to feel good too, darling.”

__

You could always tell when the full moon was soon to be. Not because of the way the lake’s reflection was a little glassier or how the stars seemed to twinkle a tad brighter. No, the dead giveaway was Remus’ behavior around you. He was a werewolf after all, and his instincts always grew stronger the closer the moon came to hitting its fullest phase. More specifically, Remus’ sex drive was always through the roof in the days before the full moon.

He would start with being very lingering around you, not daring to stray too far or let you out of his sights. He’d get touchy next, his hands constantly on you in some manner. He’d leave kisses on your skin and eventually start whispering dirty things in your ear that would make you rub your thighs together in anticipation. 

You usually kept track of the full moon, so you’d know when to expect him to be absent for a few days or when to be prepared to shower him with love and care. However, this time it had gotten away from you. You had been slammed this week, busy with work, and trying to get your ducks in a row so you’d feel more organized. 

Remus had been all over you today, kissing at your neck and slipping his hand into your pants as often as he could. His affection had carried into the end of the day when the two of you retreated to your Hogwarts quarters. He knew you had work to do, but that didn’t stop him from stroking your skin and kissing you wherever he saw fit. 

You had snapped at him once, telling him that he needed to keep his hands to himself until you were finished.

Remus realized you had forgotten, and he was trying his hardest to be patient and allow you to do what you needed to...but you just looked so beautiful with your focus drawn in on whatever you were doing. He looked over you and how you sat wearing nothing but your bra and a pair of shorts. Remus uncomfortably palmed at his crotch that was well on its way to becoming a full erection as he began pacing around your shared bedroom. While he hated to interrupt you, his situation grew dire and his head was clouded with temptation.

“Hey, love?” He called, stopping his cycled steps.

You didn’t look up from the desk that was stationed on the other side. You only let out a hum to acknowledge that you had indeed heard him. He groaned out a sigh, rubbing at his groin once more.

“Do you think that could wait until tomorrow?” He queried, feeling his arousal heightening with each passing moment.

“I’m afraid not. I need to give these to Albus as soon as possible.” You replied, thinking that Remus was just ready to go to bed. 

A pit of despair and dejection filled his gut. Remus threw his head back in defeat and he let out a harsh, guttural sound. Surprised at such a reaction, you turned in your chair to look at him.

“Remus, what-” You were cut off when you saw the hitch in his boxers. 

You caught a glimpse of the almost full moon outside the window. Your confused look melted into a look of knowingness. You suddenly remembered that the full moon was only a day out, which explained why Remus had been acting the way he had. 

“Oh, that’s right. The full moon is tomorrow,” You announced, grazing over the bulge in his underwear. You threw down your quill onto the desk; “Forget this then.”

Remus brought his head back looking at you with desperation. He did a silent victory cheer that you had given up your work for him.

“Darling, I really...really need to touch you.” He said, his voice at a deep whisper and full of pleading.

You stood slowly from your chair, walking over to your husband who was jittery with eagerness. You pressed your body against his, your fingertips toying with his waistband. 

“Is Moony back with a vengeance?” You asked jokingly, knowing that his increased drive was just a side effect of his upcoming transformation.

“You have no idea.” Remus muttered, never looking away from you.

You giggled, reaching a hand into his boxers and stroking his hard length. He let out a whimper that was enough to almost make you feel sympathetic. He kissed you deeply, moaning into your mouth as you continued to pleasure him with your hand. You knew that wasn’t all he needed. You sank to your knees after a moment or so, Remus’ heart dropping a little.

He was never one to turn down a blowjob from you, but he always felt a little bad. Not that he didn’t ever return the favor, though. You yanked his boxers down with your other hand, hungrily looking over him. He brought his hands to your head, holding it steady. You left a tantalizing kiss, just barely licking his tip. He spoke, more like begged, to you.

“Baby, please don’t tease me. I can’t handle it tonight.” He breathed, his voice in almost a quiver. 

Remus wasn’t kidding. This full moon was extra strong to have him falling apart like this. 

“I won’t tease you. I’ll take care of you, honey.” You promised, finally taking him into your mouth. 

His grip tightened in your hair, a sigh escaping his chest. Your head bobbed as you sucked him off the way you knew he liked: taking him all the way. You swallowed around him, keeping your gag reflex from triggering. He watched as you pulled your head back and pushed himself back into your face.

“You’re so pretty on your knees...always so good for me.” He breathed out. 

You let out a happy noise, moving your head faster to get him to his finish. He loved the way you paid special attention to his tip, sometimes leaving kisses on his thighs and hips. He was always so appreciative during these times that you were always there to satisfy him and did it with joy. He was so lucky to have you, and he never let you forget how thankful he was for you.

He felt his dick twitch in your throat, his hot release spilling into you with his relieved moan, which caused a startled squeal to come from you. You took your mouth off of him, but swallowed dutifully. His skin was flushed and his breathing was heavy, but this was only a warm up. He needed more. 

You got up from your knees, and he kissed you so fast that it was dizzying. He was being rougher now, which only made you want him more. He removed what was left of your clothes, throwing off his own shirt. His hands were glued to you. His lips were hot on your neck as he left kisses and whispered his praises in your ear. You were moaning with every spot he sucked on, your voice coming out as a rasp.

“Remus...get on the bed.” You said, feeling the ache of desire between your legs.

He stopped his kisses, guiding you to your bed that he hadn’t even bothered to make when he left after you that morning. He laid on the mattress, watching as you wasted no time straddling him and leaning down to kiss him. He could feel how slick you were already, he smirked under the kiss.

“You’re already so wet.” He said, reaching and rubbing slow circles onto your clit.

You whimpered out, his fingers working magic on your sensitive sex. He slipped two of his fingers inside of you, his fingers curled and massaged your inner walls, feeling how you were coated with slickness. You had almost forgotten that this was supposed to be about him, but that didn’t stop you from rolling your hips as you began to ride his fingers.

“Remus, I’m supposed to be making you feel good. Oh...” You moaned.

He smiled up at you, even when he was the one desperately wanting you, you still couldn’t resist him. He chuckled.

“You deserve to feel good too, darling.” He said, watching you grow closer to your own release.

But you didn’t want to finish just yet. You stilled his hand, making him withdraw his fingers. He looked you dead in the eyes as he brought his fingers to his mouth and sucked them clean. You always felt so prideful when he did that. Before he could ask why you stopped him, you raised yourself up and sank completely down onto his length. 

You both let out a noise that time, feeling a rush at the new sensation. Your movements were slow at first, making Remus whine. You smiled breathlessly down at him.

“What is it, baby? How bad do you need me?” You said in a teasing way.

He growled, knowing you were messing with him.

“You said you wouldn’t tease me...fuck, don’t be mean.” He said, rotating his hips into you.

You let out a sultry laugh. You didn’t want him to suffer more, so you gave in.

“Okay, Remus. I hear you.” You replied, dropping your act and starting to actually ride him.

You rocked and fucked him harder than you normally would, his groans and erratic noises as a testament to it.

“Oh, yes...” He huffed out, his hands kneading at your breasts and gripping at your waist.

You arch your back and release a high pitched moan, a blend of ecstasy and relief coursing through you. He thrusted his hips upward to go as deep as he possibly could, filling and stretching you as perfectly as he always did. You bounced on his lap and felt the delicious feeling of his dick deep inside of you and hitting your most sensitive spot. 

You were making noises every time you slammed back down onto him. Your lower stomach began to tighten and get hot, throwing your head back and crying out his name. He bucked his hips up into you, pushing your higher and higher into your climax as well as hitting his own. 

“Don’t stop, [Y/N].” He said as more of a warning than a request.

He was praying that you weren’t going to fuck with him further and suddenly stop and put off his release. An amused smirk appeared on your face, opening your eyes and looking down at him.

“Don’t worry. I’m gonna let you cum, baby.” You granted, continuing the rocking of your hips.

With a few final pushes, he came inside of you and you came around him. Every neuron in your body was fired up as a satisfied squeak signaled your end. You both stopped moving, the only sounds now being your hard breathings. He leaned up from the pillows on the bed, leaving lazy, breathless kisses on your skin. You had never rocked his world quite like that, his vision being dotted with little black spots. 

He mumbled into your neck as he lifted your limp body off of him, letting you fall on the mattress next to him so you could rest for a minute.

“Come here, my darling.” He cooed, kissing your swollen lips and dancing his fingertips over your slightly sticky skin.

Your arms fell above your head as your body returned to normal, your head in a delightful fog. You looked into his eyes, but didn’t see that usual look of after-sex bliss that he always had. They were still fiery with lust. 

“Fuck me again, Remus.” You purred out abruptly, once you were recovered and sucking a hickey on his neck.

Every fiber in his being was screaming yes, but he lightly protested.

“You’ve done more than enough, sweetheart. I’ll be fine. It’s just a hard full moon this time, I suppose.” He said with a smile, but not even denying that he wanted one more round. 

You looked at him sensually. His eyes told another story. You ran your thumb over the scar across his cheek.

“You sure about that?” You prompted.

Remus’ pupils dilated in thought, running his tongue along the inside of his lower lip as you moved to nibble on his earlobe. You purposefully moaned in his ear, sending him over the edge. He was between your knees, having your legs around his waist in seconds. His hands gripped your thighs, keeping you firmly around him. He scanned over your naked body that was sprawled out on the bed.

This was one of his favorite parts. Seeing you laid out underneath him, squirming with expectation. There were so many things that you did (some intentional and some not) that drove him absolutely wild. You way you bit your lower lip whenever you caught him staring at you, only using your imagination to wonder what he was thinking when he looked at you. 

He loved the way you cared for him in all aspects: physically, emotionally, mentally. There wasn’t a square inch of you that he didn’t prize and treasure over. You were his entire world. His reason for breathing. 

He pushed his shaft through your folds, relishing and groaning at the feel of you once more. Your alluring sigh signaled him to start moving, pulling out and back in at a rapid pace. Your inviting sounds were music to his ears.

You pushed your body down to meet each of his thrusts, allowing him to hit just the right spot. You could feel the pent up tension that he had built up with each rough entrance back into you. He held your hands above your head, his other hand pinning your hips to the mattress. 

He pulled out again and one particular slam back into you caused you to moan louder than normal, causing Remus to speed up even more. Your chest bouncing with his every thrust. You were completely focused on the feeling of him dragging in and out of you. He let out a noise that resembled a growl that sent vibrations all through your body. Every cell in your body felt like it might combust with pleasure. 

“You’re such a good girl. Every time you’re so good for me,” He glorified; “Oh, darling, how I adore you...” 

Your legs tightened around him, letting him know you were close.

“I love you.” You breathed out, 

He grinned, an even deeper blush appearing on his face.

“I love you, angel.” 

You involuntarily clenched around him with a pitchy cry, releasing once again and hitting your high. He felt his own spiral, thrusting a time or two more and spilled his release into you again. He groaned in solace, pulling out of you. Your hearts were pounding and your minds were racing. You looked up at him and smiled with joy as the look of euphoria in his eyes. You persuaded him to fall next to you so he didn’t totally collapse.

He pulled you to him, showering you with soft kisses and snuggles. He entwined your legs with his, his hand resting on the outside of your thigh and feeling your muscles contracting violently. He looked at you with hilarity, but also concern at the feel of your trembling legs.

“You’re shaking.” He noted aloud.

There wasn’t a stitch of discomfort or unpleasantness on your face. You beamed up at him, fiddling with one of his hands. 

“I’m perfect. I may not be able to feel my legs tomorrow, but I’m okay.” You said, kissing his jaw.

He laid with you in silence, feeling the air cool your heated skin and allow your heart rates to return to normal. 

“I can’t wait to see you after the full moon passes. I hate being away from you.” He admitted, pushing a strand of hair from your face.

You nodded. Remus always liked to stay away during the full moon. Even if he took Wolfsbane Potion, he was still weary of how dangerous it could be. If Moony ever hurt you...or worse, he couldn’t live with himself.

“I know. But it won’t be long. You’ll be back soon,” You comforted him; “Tell Moony I said hello.” You joked.

He snickered at that.

“Of course, love.” 

A silence fell over the both of you, just enjoying each other’s presence. He massaged you gently, knowing that he had totally overstimulated you enough for one evening. Although, he still playfully teased you when you went to get up.

“I need to go shower.” You announced, making your way to the bathroom on shaky legs.

“Is there room for one more?” He winked at you.

You both knew there was no way either of you’d make another round. You weren’t exactly young and spry teenagers anymore. You scoffed.

“Only if you keep your hands to yourself.” You giggled.

Remus shot up from the bed, following you into the shower.

“No promises.”

[zodiyack]

In Regards Of My Apology

Pairing: Niklaus Mikaelson x Female!Reader

Warnings: Angst?

Words: 1,174

Summary: Y/n misses her husband so much that it affects her visibly. Rebekah allows her to rant about it then schemes with Elijah. Before Klaus knows it, his older brother and younger sister are before him with an important message.

Note: I’ve decided I’m gonna do three parts, which. on that topic, part three will be released soon! 

Taglist: @matth1w​, @redspaceace-writes​, @fandom-puff​, @darling-i-read-it​, @simonsbluee​, @sebastianstanslefteyebrow​, @dpaccione​, @jenepleurepasbaby​

Masterlist | The Originals Masterlist

Part One. Part Two. Part Three.

His castle, really the Mikaelson home, was deserted apart from himself. Every day, the weight of his guilt daunted him. Too stubborn to straight away admit his foolishness, even to his wife, he sat in the lonely home of the Mikaelsons. It wasn’t like he didn’t wish he could reverse what he’d done, nor did he believe he wasn’t in the wrong. Klaus was just...Klaus.

On the other hand, Y/n was surrounded by the people she loved, minus her husband. Elijah and Rebekah were constantly checking on her and rarely did they speak of Klaus. The one time Davina tried to bring him up, all three older women stared her down and shook their heads urgently. It was like he was a forbidden topic, a man who’s name was no longer something allowed to be mentioned if you so much as valued your life.

However, it was quite the opposite with Y/n. Whilst she appreciated their caring company and loving gestures, she had no problem talking of her husband. In fact, she wanted to talk about him. Y/n desperately wanted to figure out the whole situation so she could be resting beside him in their shared bed every night again rather than the uncomfortable one provided by Marcel. She was grateful, but she yearned for the love of her life.

Each time she tried to talk about him, someone was quick to interject. Eventually she gave up, but when she hadn’t heard from him for a few months, she began to grow ill with worry. She couldn’t literally get ill as a member of the undead but it did affect her drastically. It wasn’t long before the others started to notice.

“Y/n, dear, are you alright?” Rebekah paused in place, concern lacing her knitted eyebrows as she set down the teacup she was about to pour the hot water in.

“Hm? Oh, yes, I suppose I’m fine.” Her lie wasn’t nearly as convincing as Klaus deemed Aurora’s to be, which was saying a lot.

Rebekah new better than to listen to her sister-in-law at this time. “What’s bothering you, love?”

But then, that was the problem. If Y/n were to tell anyone who was watching over her while she tried so hard to get back on her feet and recover from her fight with her husband that he was what was on her mind incessantly, they were surely to shut her down instantaneously. She hadn’t tried her luck in some time, over being interrupted again and again.

“It’s nothing...”

��No, no, no. Unless ‘nothing’ is making you look like utterly useless trash, no offense, then it is something.” She crossed her arms and leaned her hip into the counter with a sigh. “So, tell me what the ‘something’ is.”

Although Y/n doubted Rebekah would let her bring up Klaus, even for a second, she decided it was worth a try. “Well...if you really want to know-”

“I do.”

“Then,” she inhaled deeply, exhaling slowly as she prepared to voice the source of her troubled thoughts, “it’s about Nik.” Y/n waited, watching Rebekah intensely, waiting for her to interfere and change the topic. But she never did.

The Blond looked around for a second, then back to Y/n, “Are you going to continue or are you just going to leave me in the dark?”

“You’re...not going to stop me?”

“No. If he has you this distressed, we might as well solve the problem instead of letting you dwell in it.” Rebekah moved forward, pulling out a chair and sitting across from Y/n. “Now. Do continue.”

“Uh- Alright.” And so Y/n explained to her sister-in-law, as though she were her personal therapist, the distress she felt, the weight of their first large and unsolved fight a burden on her shoulders like Atlas and the world. In truth, she had taken up the role and become rather serious about it. 

“Well, what do you think we ought to do about it?”

“I- We?”

“Did I stutter? Or did vampirism not amplify your hearing the way it should’ve?” Despite her sarcasm, she waited for an answer, but when one did not come, she chuckled a bit. “It’s the same as the last time. I have your back. We all have your back, so, if you’re going to do something about it, so am I.”

Both Rebekah and Elijah were the first to enter the forgotten Mikaelson palace in the time since the king and queen parted ways. Klaus reigned terror more than before, threatening people because he felt like it, doing things to quell his anger even though he knew full well that the satisfaction it gave him was only temporary until he had his queen back. Klaus was just as broken as Y/n and it was only when he was in the darkest place of months without her, did he fully take in Hayley’s words and actually give an effort to see the truth.

It was true, Y/n was loyal to a fault, and yet, he believed the woman turned out to be just as evil as her brother and Lucien in plotting against the Originals. He was vengeful when he found it out, putting an end to their plan and their existences with the help of his family and some friends. That was the last time he’d seen them since then.

“Thank you, Elijah.” His voice quivered.

Elijah pulled at his cuffs slightly, then looked at his brother with dead emotion. “This is the last time I will be by your side until you realize your wrong doings and do the thing you know you must. Until then, brother.”

As Elijah walked past him, he bumped Klaus’ shoulder harshly. He couldn’t help but freeze, tears filling his eyes as his gaze remained glued to the ground.

Snapping out of the memory, Klaus wiped his tears away.

“Alas, he finally returns to reality.”

His head snapped around, eyes wide and still watery. “You came back-”

“But not for you.” Elijah was quick to put an end to any hope of his siblings trust Klaus had left. “Niklaus, do tell me, have you any remorse for what burdens you have placed upon your wife?”

“Oh...” Klaus realized the true meaning of his siblings’ arrival, the guilt swimming around his gut only intensifying.

“Oh indeed, Nik. She’s ready to forgive whenever you’re ready to apologize.”

“Are you here to help me?”

Rebekah laughed, “No, I’m afraid you’re the one who made the mess, so you’re the one who must clean the mess. We’re simply the messengers, dear brother.” She smiled with false sweetness, then turned and paced out of the room.

Elijah, once again left alone with his younger brother, uttered his wise words of advice before he too left for the second time. “I do wish you take Hayley’s words to mind, Niklaus. It would do not only you, but your wife some good.” By the door was where he stopped one final time. “Mind you, if you truly love her,” he paused, “you’d do what is right.”

[booksweet]

Expectations

starring: Gojo Satoru x fem!reader

Synopsis: what If your favorite character became real the moment you needed the most?

Warnings: fluffy, probably shibuya incident arc spoilers (not too much), grammar mistakes, both reader and Gojo are +18

Word count: 2k

A/N: hello! Here's me again bringing you the sequence of "Real" (please don't forget to read the first part, okay?). I was so glad you enjoyed chapter 1 that it turned out as a series and I can say I'm BEYOND happy!! Hope you like it 💛

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

tagging: @noritoshiikamo @iwaizumini

“So… Tell me about your powers,” she asks him when they stopped their tour through the city together. “Did they remain? Or you lost them when you came here?”

She knew she should’ve already spoken to him about this matter, yet she was scared of his answer, yet she frightened that if he got his powers, maybe he would go back to his world and let het behind. She would be all alone. Again.

Being alone all the time was tiresome, she had been tired for so long since her parents died, and she moved away from the town she was born and rose by them. After all this time without them, she got used to living alone, eating alone, existing all by herself, everything was so mechanical to her that she didn’t even notice how the way she was living affected her perceptions of her surroundings.

And then, he suddenly appeared. That night was marked inside her memories. She was fond of many things, reading her favourite manga above all, but if someone asked her what she expected getting from reading one, she would answer just some comfort and relief from stressful days, not her favourite character scaping from his world and popping up inside her room.

“Hey! Y/N? Are you even listening to me?” Satoru’s voice takes her out from her reveries, again she got lost on her own thoughts about him and what happened. Is it selfish not wanting you to go back there?

“Sorry” She apologizes with a shy smile, his eyes hidden with sunglasses probably focused on her. “What were you saying?”

“You are a little absent-minded, aren’t you?” His voice in an amused tone makes you release a loud laugh that make he smile eye-to-eye. “I was saying that my powers are still here with me…” He repeats as he takes you by your hand walking somewhere else, his slightly narrow when he sees something that caught up his interest. “Is that… Ice cream?”

By his answer to her question, her heart flickers a little. He could do anything he wanted; he was the strongest above all. Why wouldn’t he just go back to his world? Why would he still be here with you? Your mind going whirlwind with a thousand questions unanswered.

“You lost it,” He says once more, now with her favourite ice cream flavour in one extended hand as a signal to give it to her. “Again. Am I that much a bad company that you can’t concentrate on our date?” He fakes a heartbroken and sad tone seeming like a boy who was crying over his first love.

“Satoru, what?! No! And this is not a date!” She did get lost in thoughts again, but hell no, this wasn’t a date. “Don’t you dare smile like this to me, don’t you dare, Satoru Gojo!” Her flustered tone mixed up with an angry one as a cocky smirk grew upon his face.

“Whaat? Me? Smiling?” He walks closer to her, his height almost towering over hers, and when their faces where almost touching each other, the smell of ice cream surrounding them when he says “How? Smiling like this?”

She could’ve fainted right there, yes, she could. One could say she was almost having a heart attack the faster her heart was beating and that idiot in front her knew how much he affected her, and, for God’s sake, he was doing it way to good not to care. Still, she wouldn’t give up to him so easily.

“As you said…” She started stepping back and eating her own ice cream. “Your powers still remain, so how does it feel?”

“Little one…” He begins to say, but he seems to reconsider his words while looking at her face. “I can feel everything. I can see everything and nothing at the same time. The beginning and the ending. Infinity and beyond.”

She remained silent by his side, waiting for him to continue whatever he was thinking about to speak of. She couldn’t imagine how heavy must be the burden of carrying power like his, powers that were both a blessing and a curse.

“Your world does have curse energy like mine,” He finally continue his line of thought. “Even though it doesn’t change into spirits or something more tangible to exorcize. I still don’t get how you get rid of it here, it’s a mystery.”

“And…” He suddenly stops, narrowing his eyebrows in a confused expression, it was like he realized something he didn’t know how to explain to her.

“And?” You give his arm a soft touch, without words saying to him I am here, you can say whatever is on your mind.

“And” He eyes at her so deeply you imagine if he could reach her soul, his hand placed above hers. “I can see you. Your everything. I can sense your presence, your heartbeat like it is my own. Is it strange? Is it strange that I feel you like you are a part of me, and I am a part of you?” He holds her hand tighter. “Is it strange that when we hold hands everything seems right again? Is it strange that-“

All at once he lets go of her hand. She gives him a strange look, What’s wrong? Was what she as thinking. Goosebumps running through her body, wild butterflies flying on her stomach made her lips dry of nervousness. I feel you like you are a part of me, and I am a part of you. Everything seems right. He must be kidding, no one never…

“Gojo,” She says when she can catch her breath again, his eyes never leaving her face. “You shouldn’t play with things like this.” She pinches her nose, feeling her face warmer and warmer each second. “We must go, there are other places I want to show you.”

“But, Y/N,” He tries to say, she could feel melancholy following his words. I don’t want to hear, I don’t.

“Let’s go, Satoru Gojo,” she fakes a smile and an excited tone. “There’s more of my world that those pretty eyes of yours have never seen.”

They went through many of her favourite places such as the park, that café closer to her loved library, she showed him her favourite restaurant, the places she was used to go when feeling unwell with herself. And there was this moment, this specifically moment, that his eye’s light changed.

The way her hair flipped towards the wind, the way her smell invaded his nostrils, the way he was just all eyes only to hers. Every little detail unmissed to him. Despite their last conversation ending, he’s been constantly aware of her, of how she makes him feel in this odd world. He didn’t lie when he said all those words, he meant each one of them, but he was still wondering why she dismissed him that way. He was afraid that fright would make her run away from him again.

“Hey, you enjoyed our stroll today?” She was resting peacefully on her place’s couch, head laid softly on a cushion and eyes looking at him eagerly. He felt she was still fluttering because of what happened between them before, and he wanted so bad to stop that growing unease feeling his mind twisted every second.

“You don’t know how” He says with a genuine smile, knowing more of you, of how you lived, and your habits makes him avid to get closer and closer to you. His keen voice loud when he laughs “I’ve never though of not trying to defeat monsters and curses while eating a good, sweet cake or ice cream and…”

“And?”

“You can say I’m a good partner, can’t you?” His keen smile turning into a cocky and teasing one. “Afterall, how could I not try my best having such a beautiful lady by my side?”

“You-“She starts, but the growing reddish upon her nose and cheeks reports how nervous she gets when he talks like this, how he teases her and her blood runs wild through her veins. “You know it wasn’t a date, Satoru!” Placing a hand in front of her pretty face to hide whatever her expression could speak for her that moment. “And yes, you’re also a good companion, I can say that.”

“Hey, Y/N,” Satoru’s voice wakes her up from her dreams late that night, she was on the couch covered with her bedsheets. Did he picked them and then covered me up? Her heart bounced inside her chest and she felt her hands damp with sweat with that thought of him caring about her.

“Uh… What time…?” She opens her eyelids slowly, yawning hard as she stretches herself to wake her body. By the time she catches the sight of him, he’s sitting down right on the ground in front of her, his hands towering over her legs like he wanted to touch her but is not allowed to.

“Can I show you something?” His voice says nothing to her, no opens to reveal his feelings behind his tone. Suddenly, she feels cold running over her body. She nods slowly to him. “Do you trust me?” Again, another movement of her head. “Little one… I need to hear your voice.” His bare eyes stare at her fondly, she will never understand why he does this to her. Doesn’t he know that he will break my heart?

“Yes, Satoru, I trust you.” Her voice is hoarse from sleep, but this is all he needs to place one arm underneath her legs and the other on her back to carry her bridal-way. “Wh-what?! This is really necessary?”

“Hold on, I got you” His thumb moving around the bottom of her back, his movements, and the feeling of his warm body closer to hers making her relax. “I’ll show you something, breath and don’t scream”

And suddenly they weren’t at her living room, but at the rooftop of some skyscraper. So high she could feel her sight twisting.

“Hey, hey…” His muffled voice was calm against her ears, his soft grip tightening a little in reassurance of her safety. “I’m here, I’m here, it’s okay.”

“F-fuck! Why? Why are we here?”

“I need to show you” His tone didn’t hide he was nervous, worried about something. “Please close your eyes.”

As she does what he requested, his arm on her back loosen his grip and a hint of panic stars to grow inside her. I’m going to…

“You are not going to fall. I will never let something bad happen to you.” His voice is bold and so sure-footed that she decides not to complain, even thought she knew that it wouldn’t be their reality sooner when he’ll get back to his world. His fingers gently touching her eyes and she feels something changing in the air. The air around them shaking and heavy. His powers…

“Open your eyes, Y/N, please.”

As she opens her eyes, she knew something was different. In front of her there was still the night city, above her the skies. But she could see energy, colourful energy arising from each place she could catch a sight. “What- WHAT?” She screamed in disbelief. “What did you do to me?!”

He bit his lips in a worried expression. “I did nothing. I had this theory but…” He couldn’t look at her anymore, it was painful. “I just managed to unlock your own cursed energy, I don’t know how, I had these feeling and it just…”

They remained in silence for what seemed like hours, even though night were still ruling hard the skies up them. Their bodies close to each other, their warm protecting them from that cold night, from that scary truth. What the hell I am?

“Y/N”

“Uh. What?”

“I need your help to get back to my world. I need your help to get back to my students. You do know what happened to them after my arrive, don’t you?”

main navi | masterlist

[self-conscious-author]

I HC you as someone sweet and supportive who is a bit shy at the beginning but loves people deeply once you feel safe with them.

I also HC you as beautiful inside and out but very floral in the sense that your soul is like a flower - it needs sunlight, care, nourishment, and love - for it to blossom into full bloom.

This is so spot on! Like, scarily spot on

I’ve always been extremely introverted and shy, so I have difficulty making friends or even acquaintances, especially when I was growing up. But I feel very safe with the few friends I do have and I definitely love them (all of you beautiful tumblr people) deeply ♥ Once I feel safe I can be very loud and happy

I’m also constantly afraid of judgement, so that makes it difficult to open up.

Floral is the perfect way to put it and that is how I will be referring to myself from now on.

I’m very needy with affection and reassurances that I’m not a nuisance. I hate that that’s the way I am, but I didn’t grow up with nice interactions with people other than my family. And that’s also just the way I am. I was bullied a lot at my first school and I’m still trying to get past the mean words. The depression wilts my inner flower as often as it gets

[atlasshrugd]

Hi,sorry to bother you.. what are your toughts about Brian being abusive with Justin like Jack was with his mother in the first two season? I mean, he definitely had his bad habits and sure didn't always treat Justin well and wasn't always emotionally available for him (especially in s1) and this eventually resulted as Justin being hurt sometimes but I never thought that it was that bad..

Thank you for this ask! 

Brian definitely was harmful to Justin in season 1 and 2, but I wouldn’t go so far as to compare him with his father.

In season 1, Brian is definitely emotionally unavailable. He doesn’t just not want a relationship; he despises relationships. He has removed that possibility from his mind and vocabulary, and most of all, he doesn’t believe he deserves one or is made for one.

Naturally, with all of his emotional trauma and his unwillingess to face it in any direct and healthy way, he is not ready for a mature relationship either. So when Justin comes along with his persistence and youth and adoration, Brian pushes him away. He doesn’t want to entertain the fact that someone may want him for more than sex, or for being ‘the stud of Liberty Avenue.’ Many factors come into this: Justin’s age, Brian’s belief system, his past trauma, his moral code, his experience, etc. He doesn’t believe or even want to believe that someone as young and innocent as Justin could want to be with him, and he doesn’t believe Justin should want that anyway.

But Justin makes him question this all the time. He is constantly pushing Brian, willing Brian to be the man Justin knows he is. This scares Brian; nobody has ever known him deeply enough to see through him. Even Mikey and Lindsey are blinded to who Brian truly is through their own filtered perceptions of what they want him to be. Nobody truly knows Brian Kinney. But Justin Taylor gets pretty damn close. “You can’t push me away,” he says. “I’m onto you.”

Nobody has ever stuck around long enough, or even wanted to stick around long enough, for Brian to ever hear these words. This is the first time someone has ever said that to him and meant it. Brian, most of all, is afraid to be known. He hides behind his persona and uses external means to prove his self-worth. So when Justin consistently sees through him and isn’t afraid to say it, it terrifies Brian. Most of the time it makes him retreat even further into the asshole persona as a defence mechanism. When Brian is afraid, he lashes out. 

And because Season 1 Brian Kinney is quite unhinged and in denial, he doesn’t think twice about lashing out at Justin. He convinces himself he doesn’t want Justin in his life, that he’s “trying to get rid of him” but he just keeps bouncing back. And the scary part of it is - that Brian might actually want Justin to stick around. 

Because of Justin’s maturity, I think everyone forgets how young and impressionable he is (including Brian), so Brian doesn’t think twice about possibly conditioning Justin in a potentially harmful way in the long-run. I don’t think Brian realizes just how much of a sponge Justin is until the King of Babylon contest when he uses Brian’s own tricks against him. I think that was also his first flash of fear where he thought: Perhaps I have made him too much in my image.

The truth is, Brian in Season 1 is mostly irresponsible and selfish. As much as I adore him, nobody can excuse his actions even though we know his reasons for them. He has not yet learned responsibility for another person, because part of his code of conduct is that everybody should be responsible for themselves. This philosophy is not wrong, but he takes it to the extreme to further shield himself from being let down. Even with a kid, Brian makes the choice to only be a ‘drop-in’ dad who only contributes through money, because that’s all he thinks he can be. He doesn’t want to even risk turning out like his father, so in his mind, it’s better just not to try. (However, he has a moment of clarity when he decides not to sign over his parental rights to Mel. That was his first flash of ‘Hold on. I am responsible for this child, and I want that responsibility. I accept it.’)

It isn’t until the prom when he learns what it truly means to be responsible for another persons life. There, he is forced to face reality head-on; how easy it is to lose a person, how precious life truly is, how easily it can be snatched away from you. Here we see Brian in his barest form. Terrified out of his skin, guilt-ridden, and hollow. Here is when he takes full responsibility; too much, in fact. He believes the bashing is his fault, that Justin nearly died because of him. It’s a turning point for Brian where he ceases to be that callous, selfish man from Season 1. That night at the prom, his heart was broken.

In Season 2, we see a new side of Brian. The caring, hesitant, selfless side. He knows how easy it is to lose Justin, so he doesn’t make the same mistake of pushing him away to protect himself. He lets him in a little more, he admits that he wants Justin to stay, that he will be “doing exactly what I want to do: coming home to you.” But while Brian has had a wakeup call, that doesn’t mean he will change his entire way of thinking overnight.

Throughout the second half of season 2, we start to see Brian sink into his old habits of neglecting Justin emotionally. Brian’s ‘love language’ isn’t through words of affirmation; it’s through acts of service. He believes actions speak louder than words, and with that philosophy, he convinces himself that he is taking care of Justin in all the necessary ways; namely, paying for his school fees, asking him to stay in his loft, helping him financially, driving him around, etc. Because nobody has ever done those things for Brian, he believes these actions scream affection. 

The truth is, Brian Kinney is a man of conviction. As an advertising executive, he knows the futility of words and how easy it is to manipulate them. He knows they are just words, and this has been proven to him time and time again by his parents. This is part of why he doesn’t believe in marriage and relationships. “Love is just something people tell themselves they’re in so they can get laid.” He has been proven how meaningless words really are, so he doesn’t see the necessity for them.

But Justin does see the necessity. After the bashing, he changed. He was no longer that cock-sure, confident, self-assured boy from Season 1. The bashing wiped away all control he thought he had over his life. Something was taken from him against his will, something he will never get back: his memories, the control of his left hand, his boundless dreams of being an artist. He realized that Justin Taylor is not invincible. This loss of control terrified Justin, as it would anyone. He realized that reality was harsh and life takes and takes from people who don’t deserve it. He felt like a stranger within his own body, like he didn’t own any part of himself. He felt lost and confused and helpless. 

So, understandably, he needed reassurance. He needed clarity. He needed the words, and things spelled out for him. He needed some semblance of control, some certainty in all the chaos of his mind. He no longer had the mental energy to play the guessing game with Brian. He could no longer assume Brian’s feelings, or read into his actions. He needed Brian to say the words.

But Brian couldn’t. And that was why Season 2B happened. The moral of all these ramblings is: yes, Brian inflicted some form of emotional abuse on Justin in Season 1. Yes, their relationship had toxic elements. But no, I don’t believe their relationship can be compared with that of Jack and Joan Kinney’s. That was a loveless marriage between two hateful and bitter people. While they each have their issues, Brian and Justin’s relationship ultimately is one built on trust and love.

We don’t need rings or vows to prove that we love each other. We already know that.

[magebastard]

think of everything you’ve got

characters: detective lane wheatley, rebecca wheatley

rating: T

word count: 1.9k

warnings: allusions and references to panic attacks, and description of a panic attack, negative mother daughter relationship

notes: this isn’t what i wanted to write! but the more i rewrote it the more i wanted to write about a confrontation! am I projecting? do I need catharsis? we’ll never know! this is lightly edited so I’ll probably reread and continuously edit it because I’m a nightmare alive

She should have known.

Lane decides on a day of romance. After a kind, if uneasy, conversation over the phone with Adam-

“I don’t want you to think I’m not taking my position seriously. I am, you know? Always.”

“That’s not in doubt, Detective. There are no pressing matters to attend to. We’re seeing a lull in cases that need our full attention urgently.”

“Though you and I both know I should be training, or in the lab, or the library or-“

“And I won’t argue that. My job is to care for the needs of the team, even if I’d recommend otherwise. Take the Saturday, Detective.”

A tense pause.

“Thank you, Commanding Agent.”

Lane would swear she’d heard a huff of laughter.

“Notify us if something comes up.”

Lane decides to treat herself to a day of being loved and cared for. A day to woo the good detective.

It starts with a long walk to the lighthouse, then a trip to see Haley for a cup of coffee, a bath with a second mug of coffee, a movie marathon that will play in the background as she restores a busted casiotone found unloved and abandoned on the side of the road with an additional two cups of coffee.

She’s halfway through coffee number three when she hears the knock.

Lane isn’t paranoid by nature. In fact, some would say she’s overly trusting. The way she cannot help but squash her face against the peephole with abject discomfort at the sound of a rapping at her door is new, and stands out in the way that it feels unnatural. She’d never had a reason to fear before.

In this moment, the new habit is one that she’s grateful for. Standing so tall with her shoulders squared so straight, stoicism and edge in equal, unsettling measure right outside of her apartment door is Rebecca. Fuck, actually.

Lane is wearing a ripped t-shirt from a pizza place in the city and paint stained utility overalls. She is winded from brushing the dust from individual keyboard keys. She is hyperaware of how sweaty she probably is, and that her apartment may look like a mess because it absolutely is one.

A showdown with Agent Wheatley was not on her agenda.

To not answer the door would be the obvious maneuver. Crouch down, not unlike a gargoyle and wait out the danger until it’s safe to move again.

The wonder of why Rebecca is here in the first place is a jarring thing.

It hasn’t been the most comfortable situation; constantly rebuffing her attempts at motherly affection. In all honesty, it’s been harrowing in just how awkward it’s made Lane feel.

She doesn’t know what was expected of her. Rebecca has made it painfully obvious over the years. All twenty seven of them. No calls, rare visits, stunted conversation, general lack of interest. Lane can read a room.

Rebecca is not her mom. She wasn’t when Lane needed her to be, she’s certainly not going to reap any of the benefits of Lane’s company now. That ship sailed.

Yet here she is, again, waiting dockside.

If there’s an emergency, surely she would have called. Surely someone else would have been instructed to call. It’s got to be something benign. Something uncomfortable. Lane could ignore this. She could ignore this and get away with it. She could and should ignore this.

Weighted moments pass. There’s a decision made and a plan already enacted to wait this out.

Lane unlocks and opens the door.

There’s a disconnect between the woman, posturing and severe in the peephole and the slight woman wearing mom jeans and the lines of a worried frown etched so deeply in her face who stands nearly hunched before her. Chalk it up to perspective. There’s a realization that no one has said a word and seconds are passing between them.

“May I come in?”

“You’re wearing jeans.”

“I am wearing jeans.”

“I didn’t know you owned jeans.”

Barely the quirk of a brow. “Some of the more delicate aspects of my private life should remain as such.”

It’s horrid and hilarious that Lane almost remembers her this way. Dry wit. Photographs of a woman who looks like her, wearing jeans. A man she cannot recognize in the countless stories she’s heard from neighbors and friends. These images and ideas of people who were her family. Ghosts.

Lane steps aside, allowing Rebecca to pass.

It doesn’t escape her, the way she assesses the space. It’s not the first time she’s been around, but the mess is new. A shuffle of furniture. Decisions to change everything made in the clawing heat of panic.

“Is something wrong?” The effort to keep impatience out of her words seems too pointed to be professional.

“I thought I’d say hello while I was close by.”

“Interesting.” There’s ease in familiarity. The breaths they take are short and punched, the taciturn ebb and flow of their understanding each other. There’s nothing polite about it and it hangs over them like a storm ready to crack open. Somehow it’s easier.

Lane wishes Rebecca had worn a suit. There is something clinical and apart about her when she wears a suit. A silhouette and an authority. Now, she’s a mother wearing jeans, with shaking hands. It’s real, that she’s here—that she’s around. It’s not supposed to be real. A drop-in from Mom isn’t supposed to level her this way. Was finding out that vampires existed this much of a revelation? She cannot remember now.

“Well, hello to you, too. As you can see I’ve got a lot going on.” Lane gestures, vaguely. “I should get back to it, so-“

“Do you need help?”

“Absolutely not,” she says it before realizing it might be cruel. Rebecca winces in a way that suggests that the suits may be the secret to her armor, after all. It’s a separate jarring thing that Lane is nearly desperate to get her out of the apartment after barely minutes.

“Look, it’s just-“ she breaks off with a heavy sigh bringing her hands to the back of her neck, gripping. “It’s my day off. I don’t want to think about work-“

“We don’t need to talk about work-“

“No.” It’s a hard line. It’s heavy in her mouth. Lane does not hold grudges. They’re exhausting and you’d give yourself less ache clinging to a barbed wire with both hands.

“I’m tired,” Lane says because it’s true in so many ways.

“Me too,” Rebecca replies and, yes, she can believe that.

This is exhausting.

“You came to say hello and then, what?” She drops her hands. “What did you want?” What do you want from me goes unsaid, again and again.

Shifting from foot to foot in the most unprecedented display of visceral uncertainty, Rebecca looks unfathomably human.

“I just want to be your Mom,” she says quietly, pleadingly, and it’s frightening—the way that Lane’s vision goes near completely white for a moment. It’s a blistering anger and her blood rushes like a rapid tide. It’s a thin sheet of ice cracking over a rolling current. She thinks she kicks a wall. She doesn’t remember.

“You can’t be!” And Lane doesn’t mean to shout. She hates feeling this way. There’s a helplessness that accompanies rage—surrendering to it doesn’t feel like a choice. Only a realization, after the fact. It’ll be disappointing to Lane, later, that her years of carefully cultivated numbness were completely dismantled by a quick check-in from Rebecca.

“Why not?” Is shouted back, like guiding breath to a lone ember. Lane begins to pace, taking short strides.

“You don’t get to choose between the child and the twenty-seven year old, you know? You didn’t choose me, then. The time, and time again of then, you didn’t call, you let me think that I—a child—meant nothing. I had to work on healing from that. I think I did an alright job.” She’s rambling. Rebecca looks about two feet tall. It hurts. It feels like she’s going to be sick but she cannot stop.

“I ended up just like you. Sometimes I think I recognize you because of that. Sometimes, I missed you so much, I couldn’t breathe.” She blinks against the burn in her eyes. Rebecca has stepped toward the door. She looks afraid. Wounded. Ready to bolt.

“I still feel like the kid standing in the middle of the street, screaming for my Mom—I still have to feel that way!” Stop shouting. Someone’s going to come check on you. You’ll have nothing to say, no way to explain yourself. Lane swallows around the pit in her throat.

“But I don’t-” she tries. “I don’t miss you. I don’t know you. I let myself be happy. You—who chose—you have to live with that.”

The paleness and thinness of Rebecca’s skin is suddenly alarming. Lane feels like a monster. Guilt coils around her in thick tendrils. Holding her.

“You have to understand-“

“You have to understand!” A heaving breath. “I didn’t choose. I never got that chance. I’m choosing now. You don’t want me. You don’t care about me. You want a second chance,” Lane throws her arms out. “I’m just a person.” Rebecca looks briefly like she wants to argue, but she sees it. Lane sees, with a painful, unmistakable clarity what she’d been equal parts terrified of and anticipating; uncertainty. Debate. Conflict. It’s reassuring and gutting all at once. The risk of being right has never had such high stakes.

“There’s no second chance. I’m an adult, with my own life. Seized and uprooted by vampires, literally, but a life that’s mine. That I found,” she lays a hand, gently over her chest. Her heart slams against her sweating palm. “I made this. It’s my choice, now.”

Her mother swallows hard. The visage of Agent Wheatley festers in terrible silence. It’s a croak when she speaks again. “Can I be here—in your life, at all?” It’s a plea. She’s begging. “Somehow?”

An open door is a delicate thing. Vulnerable, breachable, terrifying. Lane clenches her hands tightly into fists. She can be brave. Whatever she chooses, she can be brave.

“I need time. More of it.”

Rebecca squeezes her eyes shut. It’s wrenching. She looks so unbelievably small. This is the most like her Lane has ever felt.

“Okay.” Rebecca’s voice is quiet. It feels like a step has been taken somewhere in some direction. Just vague enough to be uncomfortable.

She goes after that, brittle, giving short nods as if she’s speaking a usual polished ‘goodbye’. The effect is lost in the sickly expression on her face.

Lane feels like she could be carried off by the wind. Her heart feels less like it’s beating than it’s throbbing in her chest, ready to burst. Water. She needs water.

Moving to the cupboards and the sink, her phone is a rattle in her shaking hands. She dials.

“Not that we don’t miss you terribly, but some of us are working, Detective.” Tina’s voice is bright, and warm and Lane realizes with new levity that her feet are still planted on the ground.

“I think I’m going to come in. You can head out for patrol once I’m there, alright?” There’s an understandable pause. A hint of palpable disappointment.

“You’re supposed to be taking a day for yourself, Lane.”

“I know. I was. I need to work.” She hopes beyond hope that Tina does not press for an explanation.

“Sure.” Hesitant, but final. Asked and answered.

“Thanks, T.” For so much more than I can say.

“Always. Haley’s date soon?”

Lane takes a gulp of water, lets the residual anger sit like a stone in her stomach.

“Pick a day. I’ll be there.”

The call ends with pleasantries exchanged. A new knot between her shoulders, and a faint queasiness accompany Lane as she gets ready for work.

[shoichee]

Hello! I was wondering if you could do a Hizaki Shogo X F!reader fic where Hizaki walks into his s/o holding onto a picture frame of them both and singing "Love Like you" and maybe a soft fluffy ending?🥺💕 Reader is usually hyper and happy go lucky but at that moment reader is calm and just so soft that they look at the picture frame with the softest eyes and that makes Hizaki feel warm? Hope you have a Nice Day/Night! Thank you!!

i spy a haizaki fan over here~ okay, i am very very sorry it took very long to get this out, but i hope i wrote him well D: to be honest, he’s the most complicated guy to write for by far and while i dont think its crazy toothrotting fluffy compared to my other scenarios, i hope you enjoy this too!

Haizaki x Reader

Word Count: 1990

Note: swearing, and is a LITTLE BIT risque? i mean, this is haizaki

»»—————　☼　—————««

You two were only supposed to be friends with benefits.

You definitely weren’t his type. Nope, you definitely weren’t. Not when you endlessly made so much clamoring in the hallways with your friends or bounced around like a kid on sugar. It definitely leaves a sour taste in his mouth when you are a literal carbon-copy of Kise Ryouta, someone who he absolutely despised.

Yet, it’s probably how he can render you to a completely different side of soft whimpers and gasps in every tryst for the past two months that made it all worth the effort of chasing after you. Besides, he knows you reciprocate the same level of desire for him, and it gives him a massive boost of an ego. Especially when you actually use your annoying voice for something more worthwhile than socializing with your classmates… especially when you rasp out his name in desperation in such vulnerable moments. He constantly feeds on your vulnerability like it’s his lifeline, but he will never admit that.

So why is it that he’s so taken aback when he sees, yet, another different side to you, the usual sickenly energetic side he’s secretly grown accustomed to?

“If I could begin to be… half of what you think of me…”

He doesn’t know whether to be disgusted about the fact that he feels bad for intruding on something that feels so intimate and pure or the fact that he’s craving more of this side of you, the side that he’s afraid is all an illusion in his mind that he’s somehow concocted in a fever dream. The gentle lullaby you were humming irritates him all the more, yet he’s glued in his spot, so torn about whether to rudely interrupt you to demand for another escapade or relish in the lulls that is undoubtedly soothing him.

“I could do about anything… I could even learn to love…”

Somehow, the lyrics affected him on a personal level, and he grits his teeth, hating the fact that he relates to it so deeply. Here you are, humming the soft jazz as a smile of absolute adoration spreads across your lips. Lips that he’s all too familiar with yet a complete stranger to. He doesn’t know whether to feel smug or remorse when he sees that you're admiring the selfie you took of the both of you the other day on a whim. Smug because at least he knows you’re completely whipped for him. Remorse… because it almost makes the two of you look like an actual couple… something that he’s not too keen on, yet he’s been toying with that idea recently whenever he meets up with you. It feels so wrong that someone like you is so heavily entangled with someone like him, but he wants to monopolize all of that for himself all the same.

“I always thought I might be bad…

Now I'm sure that it's true…

'Cause I think you're so good…

And I'm nothing like you…”

It was just a song, he knew it, yet it feels like you truly felt that about yourself. He never understood you even after all those times you’ve met up, all those times he’s stripped you to your most defenseless state. He thought he can figure you out like the past girls he’s been with… their games, their desires, their motives. He hates it; your entire being pisses him off and intrigues him all the same, and he wants more of you. He doesn’t understand… don’t you know what he’s capable of doing to you? Have you not heard of what he’s done to others? Why do you still treat him so… normally?

“... I wish that I knew…

What makes you think I'm so special…”

Does he think you’re special? He doesn’t know, but he can admit that you’re the longest fling he’s had so far. He scoffs and spits to ward off a stray thought that crossed his mind, the intrusive thought that you emanate the same inviting warmth like his single mother. The only warmth he’s ever sought out was the body heat of another girl in the heat of passion; such a want of intimate warmth, like the one he was experiencing right now, has always been so foreign and uncomfortable.

“E-Eek!! H-How long have you been here?!” Haizaki snaps out of his thoughts to face a mortified you clutching your phone close to your chest. There was the side of you he’s always known.

“Hah? Do you think so highly of yourself that you think anyone would fucking waste their time to eavesdrop on you?” he sneers, watching you only roll your eyes at him. You only walk closer to him while Haizaki watches your every move like a hawk with his narrow eyes.

“You’re the only one who would spit so damn loudly,” you say. “You really oughta stop doing that. It’s gross.” He only rudely scoffs at you before he turns his back on you.

“I just came to look for you for a quickie,” Haizaki says, licking his thumb like he usually does. “7 p.m. if we’re doing it.”

“Ah, before you leave!” you call out to him. “What do you want for your bento?”

“What.” Haizaki slightly halts in his place before he turns his face to you with a condescending sneer, but you can see the slight confusion swirling in his eyes. “Are you fucking shitting me right now?”

“No, I’m absolutely not!” you loudly huff. “I’m actually serious! You picked such a later time than usual, and I’m not gonna go starve myself just for sex. So do potato wedges sound good?” Haizaki only narrows his eyes at you, wondering why you go through such lengths for such a short-term relationship. He gives a mirthless chuckle.

“Whatever you’re doing won’t make me stick by your side like a loyal dog, I hope you realize that,” he says. “Don’t go crying off when you see me having fun with another girl.” In truth, he hasn’t really thought about flirting off to another female for months since he’s met you, but at least he wants to put it out on the table that if you were indeed looking for something serious… then he wasn’t the right guy for you.

“I know,” you say shrugging casually. “Everyone knows who you are after all. I figured you’d be hungry if I am too.”

“No one’s a glutton like you.”

“Yeah? Well you still find me attractive enough despite that.” You give a satisfied smirk of your own when Haizaki merely turns away to walk. “What, Haizaki? No comeback for this one?”

He stops to give a hard glare. “All your yapping made me not want to fuck you anymore. I’m gonna chill at the arcade.”

“Ooh! Ooh!” you hoot excitedly, stars shining in your eyes. It seems that his other comment completely unphased you. “Let me come too! Please?” Even despite his rebukes, you hold your own against him and even make them backfire against him. Even despite him knowing that he’s a terrible influence, you still shine so brightly.

“... You’re paying for your own tokens. Don’t expect me to give you a single dime.”

“You really think I’m a freeloader?!”

“I might just take some of your coins, too,” he leers, again licking his thumb. “Don’t go crying either if you get left behind like a dolt.”

“If you do that,” you threaten, crossing your arms, “I’m gonna steal your coins too! Plus, you stick out like a sore thumb! I can easily find you anywhere, y’know!”

Haizaki doesn’t bother to reply and keeps on walking further before you gasp and chase after him.

“H-H-Hey!! We’re going now?! I thought we're still meeting at 7?” He merely tunes you out, but you knew he slowed down his pace for you to catch up, albeit slightly. “W-Wait! But like… I won’t have time to make the bento, and—”

“Shut up, (y/n),” he says. “Fast food exists for a reason.” Why would someone like you go through so much effort to make homemade food for someone like him? He feels somewhat better that at least he wouldn’t feel the tiny guilt of taking your bento off your hands. You widen your eyes like you just realized that restaurants existed.

“Oh yeah, huh!”

“You’re paying for your own shit, too.”

“Well, duh!”

Haizaki continues to stroll with his bag slung over his shoulder, not even remotely sparing you a glance, but he knows you’re right behind him when you’re skipping around so excitedly. Was being with him that enjoyable to you? He hasn’t done anything remotely kind to you.

“Hey, hey, Haizaki!” He continues to ignore you. “Doesn’t this feel like a date to you?”

“Keep dreaming, wench.”

“You’re a royal asshole, you know that?” you sigh, still trying to match his stride. Haizaki is very much aware of who he is. What he doesn’t know is why you still keep sticking to him like a remoraid.

“Why are you so annoying?”

Translation: Why are you persistent in being with me?

You seem to know the hidden meaning of his throwaway question, and Haizaki frowns harshly at how sharp you were.

“I don’t know. You’re the more obnoxious person in everyone’s eyes anyways,” you snicker. “Still, don’t you ever get tired of hearing people talk shit about you?”

Translation: Why do you act like this?

“You really know how to get on my nerves. Shut up if you know what’s good for you. I don’t know who’s gonna break it to you, but I’m not the guy who you think so highly of.”

“I never said that about you though,” you frown. “Unless… you really did eavesdrop on me after all?!”

“Tch.” He only walks faster to try to leave you behind, and you immediately run in a panic to catch up.

“Okay, okay! I’m kidding, alright?!” you say, but both of you knew that you were secretly smug about it. He’s starting to regret bringing you along, but deep down, he thinks it’s the best decision he’s made in a long time. Still, he’s more irked when you begin to shamelessly hum the same song, the one you sung moments before, to gleefully tick him off.

Even through his nasty attitude, for the first time, you had a taste of different sides to Haizaki in the arcade. The side of him that genuinely enjoyed being competitive with you during various rounds, even with his usual jeers… the side of him who always puts himself on the outside of the sidewalks when it got dark… the side of him who tried to teach you the workings of some of the games, albeit in a condescending way… the side of him who waited for you to finish your food at the tables, even if he kept making unnecessary comments on your appetite. Haizaki doesn’t know why he’s doing these things… perhaps he wanted to feel what it’s like to be in a committed relationship? Perhaps he wanted another taste of the same feeling he had felt when he first heard you sing?

There was something so innocent about this entire “date,” that both of you couldn’t help but wanted to learn more about each other. For the first time, Haizaki lets his guard down around you, and when he's so entertained in your presence, he suddenly doesn’t care as much about it. Your relationship was far from perfect, but between the two of you being a complete mismatch, there was a spark of something undeniably genuine and pure… the intimate warmth that Haizaki had lacked and craved for so long.

Even just for now… he wants to hold the fantasy of being in a committed relationship with you close to his heart for as long as he can. He sometimes wishes he could hear you sing again, only for him, to feel the gentle lulls again.

[hswarm]

My Experience With Simvicii, Oliveandoak & Their Discord

I’ve seen a lot of posts going around in regards to simvicii, oliveandoak, their discord and private channels. I felt now would be the best time to speak out about my experience with these things. I think it’s best that people have as much information as possible.

Disclaimer: I am not innocent to anything and neither is anyone else in that discord. We are all at fault for allowing simvicii and oliveandoak behave the way they did as well as enabling/aiding in their behaviors. This is partly why I left tumblr back in March because I realized I had become the same type of person as them and I was disgusted with myself. This does not exclude me from any blacklash/punishment but I recognize my mistakes and left to address them.

How We Met: Probably around November/December or earlier back in 2019 Simvicii had dm’d me asking for a sim, this was when they went by a different username. At the time I wasn’t giving sims away because poor experiences but I had just followed her blog and became a fan so I gave her one. She later gave me a sim in exchange as well. The sim I gave her is who everyone knows as Hollie Evans. (More on this later)

Joining The Discord: After exchanging sims I never talked to Simvicii again so when Oliveandoak dm’d me asking if I wanted to join their discord I was a bit surprised. But me being me and wanting to be apart of something I chose to join, probably in early January. Everything seemed pretty normal at first but within the first few weeks I noticed a good amount of gossip going on. The server was still small and hand picked individuals so I guess they didn’t have to worry quite yet. Everything started pretty small/mild but then once the private channel was made things escalated.

The Private Channel: I guess under the safety of the channel Simvicii and Oliveandoak felt more comfortable being their true selves. Admittedly, Simvicii didn’t say too many harsh things but Oliveandoak definitely did. I remember on multiple occasions she posted screenshots of her asks and mocked the senders. There were a few asks where they didn’t quite make sense, most likely result of poor english, and she would mock them saying ‘wtf does this mean/how am i supposed to read this’ and others of the like.

Most of the time we, we being the others in the channel, would just go along with what they said. I noticed a few of them didn’t actually participate in many of those types of conversations, probably because they knew it was wrong. I myself would simply go along or ignore them because whenever I had tried to call Oliveandoak out for being too rude, mocking people, or simply tried to defend whoever it was she would get very passive aggressive with me.

Some Of What Was Said: For the most part I don’t remember a lot of the actual words and phrases they used but I remember a few of the topics. I know on several occasions they mocked their followers/people who sent them asks. They mocked simblrs they didn’t like. I actually remember three very specific simblrs being brought up almost daily by either simvicii or oliveandoak. They also would complain about people asking them to include POC or LGBTQ+ sims.

About The POC/LGBTQ+ Topics: I wanted to expand on this specifically because Simvicii is very good with words and a lot of us in the discord kind of were persuaded to agree based on how she worded things. So, most of the time the conversation was about how simblr forces people to include POC/LGBTQ+ sims and Simvicii felt that it was wrong or whatever because there’s a lot of blogs doing already + why should they be forced to do something on their blog, or something of that nature.

Now, to a degree I agreed with her simply because me being apart of the LGBTQ+ community I really hate seeing straight people trying to portray us. It almost always ends up weird and cringey. I didn’t want to see another person making that type of content. I just didn’t. So, I agreed and told her I didn’t think she needed to be posting that because she can’t related and it’s better to not do something you’re not informed on. However, that does not mean she can’t have LGBTQ+ backstory characters.

I know recently there’s a post going around with a screenshot of her talking about how asians are normally excluded from the term POC, especially here on simblr, and I have to agree. However, that does not mean you do not exclude the rest of the POC community in retaliation. Now, I’m not saying this to be rude but even when Simvicii makes “asian” sims they still look an awful lot like their white sims because their sim style makes them all look fairly similar. So, even when she made asian sims you could barely tell. But making asian sims does not exclude you from making black, hispanic, latino, middle eastern, islander, etc sims. You don’t get to trade one for the others.

Same with Oliveandoak. She got asks about her lack of POC sims and she complained saying ‘I have POC sims!!’. It doesn’t count when they’re all extremely white passing. I even personally sent her a dark skinned sim to which she switched the content on and made her look several shades lighter. This is a problem. Aesthetic or not you still need to include dark skinned sims and other races.

Moving on.

Hollie Evans: So, back to the original topic of Hollie Evans. A lot of you who know who Simvicii know who this sim is. She was one of the main characters paired as Romeo’s bff/gf/whatever. Well, yes I actually made that sim. HOWEVER, Simvicii claims (after 2-3 months of use) that the Hollie we see today isn’t actually my Hollie but a replica she made herself.

She claims that she ‘remade’ Hollie and just ‘used the same presets and everything’. I’m sorry but that’s not true. If you took a side by side of the two sims you would see that the facial structures are identical and we all know even if you try to recreate someone else’s style using the exact same content it’s not going to be 100% identical, which Hollie to her core is identical.

The thing that bothers me and hurts me is that she went our whole friendship telling me it’s the sim I gave her and then when confronted claims it’s not that sim, when clearly it is she just wants out of the doghouse. She sent Hollie to people for collabs without saying anything to me. She changed all her custom content ‘to match her style’ and she no longer uses the ‘Hollie Evans by Honeyswarm’ tags. Which the tag thing only happened after I left tumblr.

I think it’s extremely rude and hurtful to ask someone for a sim and then change everything about them, claim them as yours and share them with other people. It’s simply not right and she knows it. She would constantly bring up a blogger who had forced her to give them her sims and then ripped her off. She knows what that feels like and she knows that’s wrong.

There’s probably a hell of a lot more I could talk about, like the three blogs they always mentioned, how they all but basically convinced the private channel to exclude someone in the discord, their lack of care/empathy towards other server members/myself, admitting to sending hate to people they disliked/disagreed with and just their general toxic behavior and manipulation but I think this post is long enough.

I don’t have “evidence” to everything here because I never thought I’d need it/be posting about it but considering everyone’s coming out I figured I would too. The only “evidence” I have is in relation to our conversation when she admitted she ripped my sim off. If you’d like those I can share them but otherwise that’s all I have.

I don’t know if this post will reach anyone or even mean anything but I felt like I needed to say these things and make it aware to others. It’s always best to have as much information as possible so that’s what I’m doing here. It’s really up to you to decide what you do with it.

I also want to apologize to everyone affected by the things Simvicii and Oliveandoak have said/done. I’m so sorry I allowed them to say and do the things they said and did. I’m so sorry I didn’t stick up for y’all better. I was afraid of losing ‘friends’ and I was afraid what might happen if I went against them. That doesn’t make it any better but please no I am so deeply sorry for everything said/done in that server that I either aided in or allowed to happen.

-Honeyswarm