#I am unfit for community and society

[kifu]

Is it ... is it too much to ask for a smidgen of respect from a job anymore? Am I asking too much from a job to do anything but mindlessly accept every asinine assignment to my own detriment? Is the only way to survive anymore to submit your entire allotment of energy and emotional control to the job, for nothing outside of the workplace?

[fumifooms]

Wait one darn diggity second what’s this about unmarried half-foot women being embarrassing for the family, what’s this about being unmarried as a half-foot being "different [worse than] for other races". Maybe Flertom and Puckpatti’s intensity about finding a husband is the norm, maybe Meijack, despite Chilchuck approving of her disinterest in romance, is the one who’s considered weird by social standards.

Maybe they’re less well-adjusted than I thought. Don’t misunderstand me I’m aroace, but if there’s a lot of societal pressure and it’s considered a failure if you’re not married, it is notable when all 3 of your kids haven’t married past the time that’s expected. For reference adulthood for a half-foot is reached at 14, Chil got married at 13, Puckpatti is 14 while Flertom and Meijack are 16. The other half-foot character we have is Mickbell who is also unmarried, unsurprising considering his situation. I don’t think them not having married is about their family being poorer, if anything I’d think Chil’s family is on the comfier end of half-foot families with the high wages he gets paid with and the nice living conditions we’ve seen (although we don’t know when he started being paid well). We know about Flertom having high standards, but she and Puckpatti are actively looking to date, so there’s something going on here whatever it is.

It is nice that it doesn’t seem like Chilchuck cares at all, he even seems to generally dislike the idea of his daughters dating. I imagine that their mother must have also not pressured them into marrying at all, maybe even encouraged them not to marry if they didn’t have someone, which is sweet. And understandable, considering she might not want her daughters to rush into it and live with…….. Being stuck in an unhappy marriage. And here comes in what I meant when I said well-adjusted, daddy issues. We aren’t shown a lot of Chil’s married life, but I would bet my life on there having been tensions and warning signs. Especially since, since the daughters and Chil hadn’t seen each other since the separation before post-canon, there’s an air of not having been very surprised or panicked about the whole thing: the separation wasn’t unexpected. Having to watch your parents fall out of love and growing up seeing them in a taxing marriage can be hard, and not exactly put you in the mood to try and find romance and marry. Fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, stunted emotional intelligence, fear of commitment… Oh girlies I am about to extrapolate so much from this

Half-foot society has a lot of coding I don’t have enough specialized knowledge to pin down, but they’re a poor working class people, anglo peasant vibes. They have tightly knit communities, but then the double edge is that if your community has expectations and rules to belong the pressure will be harsh and it can end up being more isolating if you deviate from it. Marriage historically and in Dunmeshi has a lot of economical aspects, in Laios’ Adventurer’s Bible profile for example dowries are hinted at.

So the pressure to marry might very well originate from the need to bring money in to your family, and to unite families as allies. And from there it grows into an expectation, and thus if they aren’t marred it’s "an unmarried woman was deemed unfit by suitors, something with her must be off"/"This woman was unable to provide for her family, she must be a burden on them" which results into the family having a bad reputation. If Flertom says it’s worse for half-foots than other races, the reasons must be either social or economical or both. There’s of course their lifespan being shorter too, so that might play into it, expectations to go about things quickly and to have a fast life cycle and making sure to have kids. As we see with Laios having kids is a pressure that does exist globally as well. Elves are another interesting example of how familial expectations are like in Dunmeshi and heirdom and whatnot, but free me I just wanted to bring up the possibility of Childaughters being societal misfits and having relational issues.

[antvnger]

((You may! I will split these up into 4 separate posts that will post one a day to spread it out and give you something to look forward to lol))

ENTER BRUCE BANNER, WAKING UP.

ENTER SECURITY GUARD.

GUARD      [to Banner:] You fell forth from the sky. Yeah, thus you did!

BANNER    Did I hurt anyone by my great fall?

GUARD      No one is near who may thereby be hurt. Some pigeons, though, would gladly speak with you and share the anger of their featherbrains.

BANNER    ‘Twas vastly fortunate.

GUARD        — Mayhap good aim! You were awake when first you fell to earth.

BANNER     Thou didst bear witness to the mighty fall?

GUARD       Each moment, yea, as you came through the ceiling – so big and green and buck-arse naked too - and landed thereon, where you still recline, upon the rubble - not a gentle touchdown. Take these few clothes, my friend, for you’ll need them. Methought they would not fit until you shrunk unto a fellow of more reg’lar size– A lucky fall for such an alien.

BANNER     Enormous thanks.

GUARD       —Are you an alien, come from another planet unbeknownst?

BANNER     Large issues are at play, yet nay–not that.

GUARD       Then, son, I’ll wager you have some condition.

[Exit security guard.

BANNER     O, woe is me, who makes such hefty missteps. My life is curs’d, and wreck’d beyond repair – I cannot make mine own end, force myself to sleep - and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. Nay, that road is clos’d, for when I tried the other rescued me, though naught of rescue did my soul desire. Instead, I walk the earth like one with plague, the man who doth become the gruesome beast, unfit for regular society, constituent of no community. I am alone, and walk the earth like Cain, the blighted Banner, bann’d from human life, deserving exile, death, or something worse. Unlike Odysseus, I have no home– Instead, I am the cyclops whom he trick’d, or Scylla, who appear’d with dreadful heads– Charybdis too, who’d gladly pull him down. I am the dragon that St. George o’ercame, the kraken buried deep beneath the sea. The minotaur with appetite for blood, I am a gremlin, banshee, spirit, demon, yea, ev’rything that e’er made children cry. Unsuitable for human interaction, a fiend, a brute, a giant, and a freak. Yet if I could control the monstrous man, put him to work for noble purposes and harness his great strength to fight against evil, then e’en the Hulk may have a shred of hope. Bruce Banner and the Hulk:  we share a mission; together let us work, with fix’d ambition.

The Bard's Avengers

[granulesofsand]

Shame in the Social Model of Disability

I’m no more distressed about our DID than I am our Deafness. There are aspects to each that are disabling, but the primary issue isn’t with us. It’s that our society wasn’t built with us in mind.

Community is a huge factor in how much distress a person feels about their disorders. Sometimes, like with PTSD or chronic pain, it is a matter of wanting the illness to go away. But for many, it’s shame put onto us from those who don’t need accommodation in our current circumstances.

Dissociative Identity Disorder

The first time I learned about DID, I was set on believing I was not allowed to have it. I watched from the outside how alters introduced themselves, declared their desire to stay separate. Because I had that, I don’t feel nearly so ashamed of being plural.

Some pieces bit deeper. I knew memory issues were a thing, but I had been ashamed of those for far longer. I was told off in our childhood for my dissociation, and that too came with shame.

Deafness

Nobody believed we had trouble hearing because we are not entirely deaf. We were belittled for poor listening skills and mocked for our speech. I thought I must be lazy or unfit for either group.

We were discouraged from learning ASL and shunned when we used it anyway. Our own family turned their backs when I tried to sign to them. Now we’re away from them and free to be culturally Deaf. Other people want to sign to us, choose to sit with us in classes and help translate to us in the dorms.

Not Broken

It’s hard not to fall back into the shame pit dug for us by those who won’t understand, but we do not have to accept what was never ours to begin with. That shame is not ours to carry, and with the relief comes kindness for ourselves and one another.

The distress stems from others turning away, not our own impairment. We are no less than anyone else for our differences even if they try to proceed without us.

In Deaf circles, people don’t say ‘hearing loss’, but ‘Deaf gain’. This applies to any disability if those affected believe it. Our divergence from the norm is good and benefits society, even if it takes them time to notice.

[cloudroid27]

Unprompted Rant Post that I'm deciding to put up:

America has forgotten what being a Free Country is.

(TW for mentions of: Anti-LGBTQ mentions, Anti-Abortion mentions, 1nc3st [ie], p3d0philia [e,o], r.pe [a] other topics associated with these, and mentions of Religion [as an example])

Now, by no means am I political, nor do I bring up "political manners" at all, but what I'm saying is true.

Because now, there are laws that prevent people who are apart of the LGBTQ+ community. From people not being allowed gender-affirming care, censorship in various ways on them, there being OVER 520 BILLS that are Anti-LGBTQ+, so on and so fourth.

People aren't allowed to EXPRESS THEMSELVES in a way that DOESN'T HURT ANYBODY and MAKES THEM HAPPY IN THEIR OWN BODIES anymore BECAUSE of these laws!

And that isn't the ONLY issue in society that we have in America.

Anti-Abortion is also another issue in America.

Abortions are sometimes REQUIRED for people to have for a variety of reasons: Health (Mental and Physical), 1nc3st (i, e), P3d0philia (e,o), R.pe (a), etc.

Health:

- Physical

Some people can be in a REALLY bad health crisis, either because of Diseases/Genetics (for example, Psoriasis, which is a chronic illness. It can depend on its severity, but if it is EXTREMELY severe at a point, it can make someone unfit to give birth [which can cause death IF they try to give birth when it's severe]).

- Mental

Sometimes, certain behaviors can be really bad and having a child can negatively affect those, changing that person for the worst. And some people aren't fit to become parents. They could also be apart of a family that causes them more mental harm, which could leave the child in a bad spot, especially if there is only one parent with the child.

1nc3st (i, e):

This can cause many, MANY different problems. Not just for the person giving birth, but for the child as well.

It can cause birth defects to the child ranging from mental problems to physical abnormalities that can negatively affect the children.

It can also take a toll on the child later for them to, lets say, hear that their father was an uncle, father, etc., which can leave a child traumatized if they learn that (either by being told or by taking a DNA test and getting the results back).

It can also affect the birthgiver negatively by making them guilty about having to have a child that comes from that sort of thing.

P3d0philia (e,o):

Sadly, this can make someone have a child as a result of someone abusing and sexually assulting them when the person is a minor (under the age of 17).

It can hurt the person who bears a child from this experience by: negatively impacting their overall well-being, can remind them of the person who caused their trauma (for when the child is actually born), can lead them to dark states (with Depression being an example) and can potentially separate them from their family.

It can negative a child born from this experience too, with reasons being: potentially facing abuse from the parent as a result of the trauma that they experienced; they could be abused by family too, which can make them feel unwanted and make them feel as if they aren't truly there to begin with.

R.pe (a):

Similar as to P3d0philia, it can negatively impact the person who is the one giving birth AND the child born from the negative experience.

It can lead to the victim of it remembering their trauma by just looking at the child that was born as a result of it, as well as it negatively impacting them overall since experiences like this can leave people traumatized for the rest of their lives.

There are plenty of other reasons as to why someone would want an abortion, such as:

Low Income/Finance (which can prevent them from taking proper care of the child that can come as a result to that), Failed Protection during the act (99% doesn't mean that it can't happen), Not having the proper medicine/items for it to be prevented and more.

Just remember: There is ALWAYS a reason for something.

Something doesn't come out of nothing, after all.

But to me, if something doesn't harm anyone OR helps a person during a dire time or if they are in need of something because of a result of trauma or potential death, it Shouldn't be banned or denied.

Because banning it and denying it makes it so that America stays an NON-FREE nation, compared to what it's supposed to be.

And side note: Religion isn't an excuse for ANY of the behaviors that can cause negativity/damage to others.

Because- and I'm going to use Christianity as an example- The Bible says "Love Thy Neighbor As You Love Yourself" and it says that God loves his children.

So why would he NOT want us to be ourselves if it DOESN'T hurt anyone AND why would he NOT want us to do something that is for the better of our mental health and WON'T cause lasting damage to themselves AND other people who may come as a result of it?

Your religion isn't an excuse for bad behaviors that can cause pain to others.

Thank you for reading.

[shoobydoo]

Why arranged marriages are the perfect tool to oppress women - for dummies

So, I recently saw this comment under a pin on pinterest (which praised a woman who broke up arranged marriages) which dissappointed me so bad.

I responded with this.

Now, I obviously know that two people wanting to marry eachother and two people wanting to have an arranged marriage are different things. But fact is, once you want an arranged marriage, there is no way out. You don't go searching on the side on your own and as the women, you definetly do not get to say "no" more than twice to your "elders" (=oppressors). I will explain this in more detail way more into this post. I blocked the person who responded to me but what they basically wrote is : " Desire has nothing to do with if it was arranged or it just happended."

So I absolutely lost my sh!t and am now gonna post what I posted there. Have fun reading.

„I don't agree with you. Because most of the time, spouse's of arranged marriages do not get a chance to meet each other a lot before the marriage. It's not about their feelings, it is simply a tool parents use to to build or maintain economic and social stability. So there is absolutely no room for a coincidental romantic development between the two. In most of these orthodox, strict and religious family's, girls are seen to be fit for marriage after their first period, which a lot of girls already get around the age of seven. And because women in these kind of society's are often seen as unfit for work or a proper education, they AND their family's, are financially completely reliant on her husband, which therefore has to be a man, who is already economically very well established and therefore, much MUCH older. And because of the fact that men are not so financially reliant as women, they ACTUALLY have more of a word in these decisions. Women do not. That is the reality of arranged marriages. Not some fetishized manga or anime lovestory where they just happen to fall in love uwu. I dare you to look up the amount of brutal physical and psychological abuse women in arranged marriages have ti endure. Just google it. But you won't get these picture's out of your head very soon. That is because a women in a marriage like this has no, absolutely no chance to leave. The financial stability and expectations of her family and the one of her spouse's family are pushing down on her. Plus, in community's like these, women are still expected to please and obey their husband, so a women who wants a divorce, is automatically branded a human of lower class, not a "real" women and is looked down upon by the whole society, not getting any support ever again. So do not, even for one second, try to tell me that arranged marriage is not a weapon to oppress women with. In a world where women are supplied with their rightful fundamental human right's (which isn't the case right now, but should be) there is absolutely no reason for arranged marriages to exist. If you actually belive in the sick fantasy that little abused girls actually "fall in love" with the man they are forced to have sex with and have to breed children for, you disgust me. We all know, that victims who are stuck in relationships of uneven power dynamics (which these are in 100% of the cases) often develop an unhealthy, unconditional affection for their abuser/capturer, simply because it's a waste of power for your brain to hate someone you are forced to be so close with for forever, even if they constantly hurt you. I cannot believe you are actually downplaying and defending arranged marriages here. shame on you and the harm you do women all over the world by choosing to be an ignorant piece of sh!t everyday.“

—

Now you hopefully get what I meant by writing "once you want an arranged marriage, there is no way out". Because parents who choose this path for their kids, choose by two very simple factors: money and social status. Which both, are not in any way tied to the character of the individual or the chemistry he or she could have with their spouse. That is an arranged marriage. Your parents choose someone and that's it. If your parents actually look for people they see fit for you and set up some dates, that is merely a little bit of help while dating NOT an arranged marriage. Either you libfems get your vocabulary right or you should just shut the fck up about life experiences you have never made and never will make. Goodnight.

[sarahsshelf]

Monthly reading update for February

I meant for this to be another bimonthly one, but I forgot to update it a couple weeks ago, and by the time I remembered it was almost the end of the month anyway. At the time, I was thinking "it's a short month, I've not been reading much, it'll be fine" but it turns out I actually did read a lot. So it's gonna be a long one today:

Arkady Martine - A Memory Called Empire

Spent most of this time thinking that it was just a political intrigue type book disguised as science fiction (not necessarily a bad thing, I love scheming!). The sci-fi elements are a bit more important than that, upon reflection (e.g. the imago machines play a pretty significant role), but the scheming is the real reason to read it. If you like the early chapters of Dune better than the revolution part, you probably don't need me to tell you that you need to read this. I'm definitely going to be getting the sequel next time I'm at a bookstore.

Amelia Earhart - 20 Hrs., 40 Min.

Earhart's been a longtime hero of mine, albeit one I don't think about much these days. I found this one in a box of old books I pulled out of the basement to sell to the used bookstore, and that childhood love led me to hold onto it. Sadly there's not really much of interest in there; the autobiographical part doesn't cover any ground I'd not heard before, and the supposed central event of the book (crossing the Atlantic) is handled over the course of about 5-10 pages. If you want to hear about weather keeping her trapped in Newfoundland for weeks, then maybe give it a shot? But I'd not recommend it.

Cecilia Gentili - Faltas

This one was absolutely incredible; really loved Gentili's narrative voice. It's about growing up trans, growing up abused, growing up poor, but despite all that it feels almost triumphant. Probably that's because it's written in the form of letters to people who didn't leave the town, whereas she got out and made something of herself. Not really able to talk about what I loved about it, but I'll definitely be recommending it.

Forman Brown - Better Angel

It's gay fiction (thinly veiled autobiography) from the 1930s, what more need I say? He reads too much, gets a superiority complex about his intelligence, and ends up unfit for heterosexual society. Basically, he's just like me. He seems to have a very dim view of 20th century gay society though; perhaps the result of discovering homosexuality through reading ancient Greek literature? But what would you really expect from a socially respectable gay guy from 90 years ago?

Junichiro Tanizaki - Quicksand

Immediately after reading The Makioka Sisters for the first time, I was ready to proclaim Tanizaki as one of my favorite authors ever. Every book I've read of his since then has slowly been changing my mind on that. Superficially, The Makioka Sisters seems like it sticks out in his discography (it's almost like Jane Austen, whereas his other work seems to be different ways sex can ruin your life), but it doesn't really? It's all just different ways of saying that he thinks modernity is killing Japan; in this one, Tanizaki's modernity of choice is bisexuality. It's kinda fun reading about the evil lesbian for a bit, but it all just comes to a sudden stop, as if he got bored with it and just threw one last chapter in to provide an ending.

Min Jin Lee - Pachinko

I am such a sucker for these multigenerational family sagas. One Hundred Years of Solitude, Homegoing, Pachinko: I'll read them all, just keep them coming. I'd not known anything before about the Korean community in Japan, and now I do (or at least I think I do), so that's pretty cool as well. Noa is, sadly, another "he is so me" type character; always reading, a bit snobby, dead-set on being One Of The Good Ones.

Qiu Miaojin - Last Words from Montmartre

I'd read Notes of a Crocodile a while back and never really knew what to make of it. There was a bit of a narrative there, but not really? And you never got a sense of anyone. Anyway, Last Words from Montmartre is like that too, but a bit more understandable as the narrator is trapped in a spiral of isolation that it's too late to get out of. Knowing Miaojin's fate, it's hard not to think that the distance between author and narrator was extremely thin, if not non-existent. I started feeling really bad about my own life while reading this, and I think that it was probably a contributing factor, because I started to feel better as soon as I finished reading.

Luke Dani Blue - Pretend It's My Body

It's a trans short story collection, but none of the stories really do much for me. Maybe the one about the "con" who's planning to upload her consciousness to the Internet? Maybe it's just a small sample size, but nearly all of the trans short fiction I've read hasn't really done anything for me in the past (Casey Plett's work being the main exception). I'm not sure why that would be the case though, because basically every trans novel ends up impressing me? I guess it's possible I don't like short fiction as much as I think I do. If y'all have any other trans short story recommendations, I would love to hear them though!

[colorlatina]

Trans Day of Visibility 2023 #TDOV

This year, on Trans Day of Visibility, I carry with me a grief that seems compounded more and more every day. This day is about trans joy, but I don’t believe joy is antithetical to grief, or even to anger. Joy is so much more than we give it credit for, and as one of my favorite [QTPOC] authors says, joy is a politicized form of pleasure that goes beyond gratification to challenge the norms and social structures that incite violence against us. Trans day of visibility brings mixed feelings for me, knowing that increased visibility often leads to increased violence towards our community. But knowing, also, that trans existence is power. Trans joy is power. Trans people are worthy of love and protection. This day means so much more to me than just uplifting a handful of trans voices. This day, and every day, is a celebration and investment in trans joy. To me, that includes recognizing how reproductive justice (RJ) has always been queer and entangled with trans liberation, and that I carry my transness and and my investment in trans joy with me in the work I do. Even if the movement has not always explicitly worked to protect the rights of trans people (and I am glad it is finally moving in the direction of doing so), the basis of reproductive justice is rooted in anti-racism and queer and trans liberation.

RJ argues that it is not an accident that women of color are disproportionately impacted by acts of reproductive oppression; reproductive oppression is a deliberate tool in preserving and expanding white supremacy. The (re)production of white social, political, and economic capital relies on an exploitable population. For example, the state created pro-natalist policies for Black, enslaved women because their having children resulted in an increase in white wealth (property, labor, status), and it created anti-natalist policies for Indigenous women because their having children were a threat to white wealth (land, claims over resources, western cultural ideals). In order to justify their exploitation, people are dehumanized through a racialization process that includes their sexual and reproductive oppression. Part of this was by asserting that gender is a human characteristic, so only white men and women had access to gender. Black and Indigenous people were classified as not human in species—as animals, “male” and “female.” Thus, the construction of gender, and the way it functions in our society and in our laws, is intricately tied to how reproductive oppression is leveraged. Having or not having access to gender is reflective of our proximity to power, and trans people are undoubtedly a large part of who we fight for when we work to dismantle reproductive oppression. 

Even when racialized or gendered implications are not always explicit in the language of these laws, their interpretation (and thus, their implementation) disproportionately hurt Black, Indigenous, and other nonwhite women, queer, and trans people. Systems rooted in whiteness decided which mothers were "unfit" and which people were "socially inadequate."

This legacy continued through the use of privacy-based protections for reproductive rights, where privacy is culturally defined, and undoubtedly influenced by the legacy of these dehumanizing methods. Not only is privacy not enough to include access to people’s rights, but it also begs the question of whose privacy should be protected. In 1965, The Supreme Court argued that a violation of someone's right to privacy is an "indefeasible" right afforded to everyone as long as they do not commit a “public offense.” The problem in this premise arises when someone's identity is a matter of public offense. In practice, women of color, queer and trans people, immigrants, those with disabilities, etc, are not included here. That is why RJ is grounded in human rights, moving beyond privacy. We know how important this is now more than ever, since the Dobbs decision. 

Now we see laws targeting abortion care and laws targeting trans people surge so quickly, so violently, so brazenly, and they mirror each other. Bounty hunter laws, for example, like the ones in Texas, allow any private citizen (see where I’m going with this) to sue anybody they thought could have been involved with any part of an abortion after six weeks of pregnancy. Using the same bill language, another legislator introduced a similar bill that would allow people to sue anybody who hosts or performs in drag where any child is in attendance; in a society where existing as a trans person could be interpreted as drag. In both cases, a winning plaintiff can expect to be paid actual damages, attorney’s fees, and statutory damages. There are bills that criminalize “aiding and abetting” abortion and gender affirming care. Including even emotionally supporting trans children, helping with travel for either care, the reimbursement of the costs of an abortion through insurance or other means. 

So what do we do? Part of what we’re doing is working to pass a bill that would provide civil and criminal protections for abortion and gender-affirming care providers, patients and those who support them. We know this is needed because of how this care is targeted across the country, and how it threatens not only trans people, but the people who love trans people, too. And even in sitting through the weight, and the grief, and the tears, and the anger of it all, in the hours of egregious testimony against our very existence, there is joy there too. I was surrounded by trans people and people who love trans people. I held the memory and the inextinguishable fire that radiates from all the trans people in my life. My mentors and my friends, my heroes and my ancestors. They were there, too. 

Trans joy is everywhere. Trans joy is so radiant, that it lingers even when we exit the room. Trans joy is the kindle in the fire of every social movement I can think of. Trans joy is proof that magic exists. Trans joy is alchemy. It is the warm feeling in our bellies when we decide to make something out of nothing; the is the in-between-ness that allows us to sew meaning from torn and stolen fabric, ...the re-stitched and recycled fabric of space and time we’re left with when we have no choice but to make new worlds; to be able to exist outside and within the one that is given to us. 

And as someone who is still pre-transition, I tend to not take up as much space, as I know I walk through life with the privileges of a cis person. And my decision to wait, as painful as it is, is my own. It is a decision I make every day. Everyday I wake up not feeling fully alive in my own body. Everyday I wake up with an overwhelming love for trans people. Everyday I wake up seeing more and more violence on my trans kin. Everyday I decide to have joy, deliberately and brazenly. Everyday I wake up wondering if I wait any longer, I might never get to transition at all. I also see the immense power trans people have in their capacity to honor their grief, joy, anger, love, and contradictions. To persist, and resist, and insist that we are right here, everyday, and we will always be. So I write this, on TDOV, knowing nothing I could write could be truly lighthearted, as a love letter to my trans kin, and a message to the people who love us. I see you and I love you. And we are here to stay, today and everyday. 

And in honor of highlighting the radical trans joy [and its visibility], I do want to highlight a handful of trans people/orgs you might consider following the work of and supporting, or use as a resource:

King Vaughnz (he/they), one of my very favorite Denver-based Latinx drag kings. Email for booking: vaughnz.king@gmail.com

Bri Hill (they/them), also known as ArtsyQ, one of my very favorite Denver-based Black trans mix-media poet and educator, who leads Sacred Voices Denver, an organization that offers culturally-responsive based poetry, education, and events.

Erin Reed (she/her), a “trans queer news and history content creator, lgbtq+ and repro legislation tracker, and activist trying to change the world to be a better place,” who not only testified on behalf of Senate Bill 188, but keeps track of track anti-LGBTQ+ legislation, updates an informed consent hormone therapy map so people know where to access care, and has a very comprehensive newsletter you can subscribe to, to stay up to date on all of the most important pieces of trans and queer news and legislation for the week.

The Black Trans Femmes in the Arts Collective, that “create spaces for the production and preservation of Black trans art and culture by building community with Black trans femme artists and providing them with the resources and support necessary to thrive.” 

The National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network, a healing justice organization actively working to transform mental health for queer, trans, Black, Indigenous, and People of Color.

---

Blog post written by Mar Galvez (they/them), COLOR's Policy Associate

[theoveldsman]

STRESS TESTING LEADERSHIP CREDIT WORTHINESS:

THE LEADERSHIP MANIFESTO

Unequivocally throughout history leadership has made a significant difference in the success of teams, organisations, communities, and society. Leadership is about identifying possible Futures, succeeded by choosing and actualising a shared, desired Future. Leadership who proactively take charge of the Future through pursuing a chosen, shared, desired Future are architect of the Future, not a victim.

However, globally people increasingly are angry at, frustrated with, skeptical of, alienated from, disillusioned with, mistrusting of, loathing of, raging at, and revolting against current leaders and leadership, and the institutions they represent. Trust and faith in leadership are evaporating at an alarming rate.

The tide is rising forcefully against current leadership at all levels and in all forms in no uncertain terms. There appears to be a vicious downward cycle of increasingly future-unfit leadership. We seem to have entered the ‘Dark Ages’ of leadership.

According to the Institute of Justice and Reconciliation's December 2023 report trust in leadership has plummeted to an all-time low. Shockingly, 80% of citizens believe that political leaders are untrustworthy.  The 2024 Edelman Trust Barometer similarly reported a pervasive belief that leaders in government, business and the media are intentionally deceptive. The 2024 trust scores for developing and developed countries respectively were 63% and 49%.

This is stark contrast to the unquenched thirst and yearning of people for leadership who envision and mobilise people around inspiring, shared future dreams; passionately aspire to leave behind worthy, lasting legacies for current and future generations, in this way creating purpose and meaning; consistently acting ethically and with integrity; pursuing a shared agenda serving the common good; demonstrating authentic care and compassion; enabling and empowering people; being unconditionally committed to be the best possible leader; and serving as a role model.  

A dire need exists for a stress test to assess the creditworthiness of the excellence of leaders, especially in a year where close on half the world will go to the polls to elect their political leadership.  In response to this crisis, the Centre for Responsible Leadership Studies at Stellenbosch Business School, South Africa – of which I am Board member, and having been party to the exercise - has released a Manifesto for Responsible Leadership for a Better World, challenging leaders in business, government, civil society, and the media to ‘stress-test’ themselves against its principles to determine their creditworthiness as leaders.  

Readers of this article are urged to distribute the Leadership Manifesto as widely as possible to enable and empower both leaders and those who have to follow them to conduct this penetrating test. In this way, leaders can decide whether they are worthy of being leaders. Followers can decide which persons are true and genuine leaders to follow.    

LEADERSHIP MANIFESTO

Responsible Leadership for a better world

Leadership excellence is manifested in enduring principles of responsibility. These principles demand setting a commendable example by owning up to one’s responsibilities to:

Transcends self-interest, by responsibly and humbly SERVING all stakeholders impacted by one’s decisions and actions, even those without a voice at the table

Accept liability for protecting and promoting all that is good and worth caring for in order to create a better workplace, society and world for all

Consider the systemic implications of decisions and actions, or the omission thereof, on others, society and the long-term sustainability of the socio-economic and ecologic elements of the planet

Actively and collaboratively ENGAGE stakeholders while ardently pursuing a benevolent future that serves the common good

Craft inspiring, deserving and shared DREAMS, propelling what must be achieved collectively to leave behind a worthy and lasting LEGACY for current and upcoming generations

Show unconditional COMMITMENT to be the best possible leader, whatever it takes, and to deliver steadfastly on what was realistically promised or agreed upon

Be trustworthy by leading with courageous INTEGRITY, consistently adhering to a clear set of ethical principles, regardless of personal consequences

Uncompromisingly take full ACCOUNTABILITY for all one’s decisions and actions, accepting liability for the consequences of such decisions and actions, and RESPONSIBILITY for the decisions and actions of one’s followers.

Earn the trust bestowed on being a leader by treating others with care, dignity, respect, compassion, and inclusivity

ENABLE and EMPOWER others to become the best versions of who they can be.

(Source: Centre for Responsible Leadership Studies at Stellenbosch Business School, South Africa)

[chrystineq]

Let's stop body shaming and support body positivity!

I am committed to advocating for and addressing the pervasive issue of body shaming that can affect individuals from all walks of life. It is important to recognize that body shaming is not limited to a specific gender but also extends to members of the LGBTQIA+ community. The repercussions of body shaming reach far beyond mere impacts on self-confidence; they can cause a significant decline in an individual's self-esteem and lead to long-lasting trauma, including conditions such as anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. Personally, I have personally experienced body shaming due to my size, and I can personally attest to the detrimental effects it has had on my performance and ability to express myself freely.

Numerous individuals have expressed their agreement with my call to action, sharing their own experiences of body shaming and the profound negative effects it has had on their sense of self-worth. Some have even faced outright discrimination, being unjustly told that they are unfit for certain activities solely based on their body shape. It is my fervent desire to put an end to this issue and enlighten people about the fact that an individual's size and appearance should never dictate or restrict their abilities and choices.

It is absolutely crucial that we learn to love and embrace our bodies, including all their imperfections. Our bodies are not meant to conform to a one-size-fits-all standard like mass-produced clothing; rather, they are unique and diverse, reflecting the beauty of human individuality. By embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all, we can effectively combat body shaming. Let us collectively put a stop to body shaming by fostering a culture of acceptance and appreciation for who we truly are.

If we fail to challenge the prevailing stigma surrounding body image and body shaming now, then when will we ever take a stand? It is high time we reject the toxic beauty standards perpetuated by society and instead establish our own standards—one that places value on inner beauty and disregards the superficial perceptions and opinions of others. True beauty is not defined by external appearances alone; it emanates from within, encompassing qualities such as kindness, compassion, and confidence.

Together, let us create a society where body shaming has no place, where individuals can live free from judgment and discrimination. It starts with each of us recognizing our own worth and helping others to recognize theirs. By embracing self-love and acceptance, we can pave the way for a more inclusive and compassionate world—one in which every individual is celebrated for their unique qualities and contributions.

[seikatsu-ga-tsuzuku]

tw // suicide, queerphobia, hate crimes, religious trauma

As a queer POC, I am so glad I didn't grow up religious so I didn't have to deal with the unfettered blatant homophobia from family members. Like that's some extra trauma and baggage I just know I wouldn't have been built for. Might've actually killed myself by now if so. I did realize that I was queer probably later than most ppl nowadays, but I was still and am still living under a parent's roof so I could've been victim to homelessness or violence. Also glad I was never raised to believe queerness was shameful or a sin so I never had to experience internalized homophobia either, or hide in fear in the closet. Never really had to build up the courage or make a big show of coming out either, just mentioned it casually in passing like I'd preferred, and nobody batted an eye. I'm really lucky.

Since I didn't experience firsthand the typical queer struggles growing up, sometimes I feel unfit for including those aspects in my stories, but I still want to write them. It's important to me. The world is still very far from accepting us, especially after the shooting today, and I don't want to write queer stories devoid of these experiences for that reason (not specifically mass shootings but just experiencing bigotry in general). I need to face the ugliness rather than live in a bubble. As much as I love that younger queer people feel more safe and comfortable to be out and open as they are, the atrocities are still out here. We don’t have to cower in fear but we still have to be careful and realistic.

I wanna draw attention to the bad shit in my stories. Not write tragedies, my characters will get their happy endings, because I want to spread the message that there’s hope for us and we can and deserve to be happy, and love will win. But I don't want ppl to turn a blind eye to the struggles that are very much still happening just because it doesn't apply immediately to them. Does that make sense?

Sometimes I think about how someone said “nobody calls gay people the f-slur anymore”. It’s just not true. I hear it all the time. I feel like people are once again becoming bold and blatant in their homophobia. I’ve been experiencing a lot lately. It’s always been normalized in society as a whole, yes, but I feel like things are especially volatile right now. And it’s a scary time to just be.

Someday I want queer people to be able to just be. Until then, I’m not gonna stop writing queer stories to give my community some comfort and strength and enjoyment, and to make our cishet allies, or oppressors, realize how much they may be hurting or negatively impacting us.

[warsofasoiaf]

The fact that something happens in practice, doesn't make a theory bad. Communism is (among other stuff) about income equality and the well-being of the working class (which would be the majority of the population).

So if you are a communist leader leading a luxurious lifestyle, the blame is on you, not on communism. If I say I am a good person, but in practice I do bad deeds, it's me who should be blamed, not the notion of "good". And I am not insinuating that communism is the same as the "notion of good"; that's a different discussion.

Power (and wealth, and fame) corrupt people, as it seems and there is the point where there should be a safety net imho, no matter the system and the circumstances. And that's an obviously acurrate criticism against the Soviet Union; the system itself shouldn't have allowed people like Stalin to do as they please. This was a seemingly minor, but in the long term, not so minor flaw of the way the Russians tried to implement communism.

So I'd like to insist, that communism and personal advancement are incompatible.

By your own premise, that power corrupts, we can say that the two are compatible. Marxism advocates giving absolute power to the dictatorship of the proletariat according to its theory, in order to transform the society to include liquidating the bourgeoise, and to prevent counter-revolutionary activity that would undermine the establishment of the lasting socialist state. Granting unilateral, unlimited power to transform society which includes extermination of those deemed unfit or subhuman sounds to be like an extraordinary level of personal advancement. How are we not surprised that these leaders also pamper themselves when their philosophy justifies them receiving absolute power? Assigning that power to those deemed suitably "class-conscious," that is, those ideologically compliant, strikes me as a means to centralize advancement only amongst the followers. How is that not personal advancement, to give yourselves unlimited power to transform society and make it only acceptable to yourselves in which to wield it? In that, I don't see Lenin or Stalin or Mao as deviations or flaws in implementation, I see the system working as designed.

Then, when I take that with the numerous logical contradictions, circular reasoning, and empirically false assumptions regarding the movement in theory, the entire thing looks to me primarily not as a movement of aiding the working class or in addressing income inequality, but a philosophical framework to justify establishing an absolute dictatorship with the believer on top as something more altruistic than the naked power grab it is.

-SLAL

[frain-breeze]

Tw// brief mention of ending ones own life

Thank you to the few who make me feel human. So many trans voices go unheard. So many of trans youth get ignored, harrassed, or neglected. Many trans people have contemplated or ended up taking their own lives. Many have been threatened or murdered. We feel invisible. We feel unheard. We feel not good enough. We feel scared. Abandoned. Attacked. Unfit for our own skin and outcasted in a society that won't take us seriously. I have nothing but love for you in my heart. What the world needs to understand is that, every inch of my heart, soul, mind, and body are all male. Regardless of what I was assigned at birth. But every time I am deadnamed it feels like ringing in my ears. And every time I am misgendered I feel spikes in my skin and a heavy weight on my shoulders. I know there are many other trans people going through this struggle. We all go through it in different ways but the struggle is harsh each time. To live in a world where your skin doesn't fit you, you fight to express yourself as you truly are and have the world appreciate your identity... Only to be kicked down. Mocked. Harrassed. Scared that if you don't go stealth, your life is in danger. We shouldn't have to live in fear. We shouldn't have to hide who we are. Its not about pleasing others, it's about staying true to who we are to make existence feel a little less painful. To the fellow people who couldn't be here to see this day, your voices are not lost. You will forever be dear to the community and I hope you're resting peacefully. We can only hope to try and save today's youth. Even the older generations of trans people should be kept safe at all costs. You are not alone, my friends. You are not invisable. You are not unheard. Today we bring light to those who find their own dimming. Take my light and we can shine together. I know you're there.

I see you.

Your trans friend,

hayden xoxo

(He/him)

[babbushka]

So basically last night I was out with some friends and I really like (pretty much in love with him) one of the guys who was there. He’s my ultimate best friend, ride or die, my rock (you get it lol). Whenever we’re together, it feels meant to be and perfect, like I can be my complete, total unhinged self around him. So last night I told him that I really love him but I understood if he didn’t wanna pursue a relationship since we’re already friends but then he told me he leans more towards men and that because of our relationship it wouldn’t make sense to date. Like I kinda expected to be rejected but it still doesn’t hurt any less, you know? Idk I feel like everyone I catch feelings for is in someway unattainable and I wouldn’t ever be able to find someone.

Hello my dear anon, I understand completely where you're coming from, and have actually been in a similar situation myself, so please, if I may, I'd like to share a little bit of my own wisdom, in the hopes that it is able to bring you comfort.

First, may I just say how proud I am of you for communicating your feelings to him, even if you didn't get the answer that you were hoping for. I know that it hurts, and believe me, you are absolutely allowed to feel stung or upset that your feelings aren't reciprocated, but I feel like half the battle in life is even working up the courage to tell people how we feel, and you did that when so many people don't. I know that it doesn't seem like a positive in the moment, and that's okay, but in the long run, that act of self-love (because I do believe that expressing your feelings is an act of self-love) will do you more good than harm.

And here's the reason why: now that you've expressed your feelings and know concretely that they're not reciprocated, you are free to allow your heart to heal and move on from a romantic relationship with this friend. This is wonderful!! There are going to be countless opportunities in your future to meet new people, form new relationships, expand your social circle, and find love of all kinds. You don't have to put potential relationships on hold, hoping for someone to return feelings and not knowing if they ever will. You deserve to be free of that anxious pining, and now you are!

I think that we as a society have so much pressure to find someone straight out of high school, or college, or in our 20s, settle down with them before we're 30, and have them be our soulmate forever and ever. That idea is so flawed in so many ways -- namely that you will not be the same person five years from now that you are today.

I don't want to make any assumptions about your age, but even if you're 99, you are still growing, still learning, still discovering yourself! Not just your interests, but your values and your opinions, your self worth -- the treatment that you expect from a partner and the treatment that you won't tolerate. Every day is a new version of yourself, one that has experienced more than the day prior, and that is a beautiful thing. Take the time that is given to you to really figure out what it is that you want, and enjoy the company of those around you who help you figure that out along the way.

Rejection stings, no matter who it's from or what the circumstances of it are. It hurts to feel like you're not good enough, or not right for that person. But honestly? There are so many other people out in the world who are just waiting to meet you and love you. Maybe as friends, maybe as partners, maybe just as passing faces. Allow yourself the ability to meet them, and to be open to the possibilities that they will bring you.

So all of this is to say, let yourself feel how you feel -- but don't give in to the lie that you are unworthy, or undesirable, or unfitting for love. You are, my dear anon, I promise that you are.

[qqueenofhades]

I want to hear about gay knights. Please.

Ahaha. So this is me finally getting, post-holiday, to the subject that was immediately clamoured for, when I volunteered to discuss the historical accuracy of gay knights if someone requested it. It reminds me somewhat of when my venerable colleague @oldshrewsburyian​ volunteered to discuss lesbian nuns, and was immediately deluged by requests to do just that. In my opinion, gay knights and lesbian nuns are the mlm/wlw solidarity of the Middle Ages, even if the tedious constructionists would like to remind us that we can’t exactly use those terms for them. It also forces us to consider the construction of modern heterosexuality, our erroneous notions of it as hegemonically transhistorical, and the fact that behaviour we would consider “queer” (and therefore implicitly outside mainstream society) was not just mainstream, but central, valorized, and crucial to constructions of medieval manhood, if not without existential anxieties of its own. Because medieval societies were often organized around the chivalric class, i.e. the king and his knights, his ability to make war, and the cultural prestige and homosocial bonds of his retinue, if you were a knight, you were (increasingly as the medieval era went on) probably a person of some status. You had a consequential role to play in this world, and your identity was the subject of legal, literary, cultural, social, religious, and other influences. And a lot of that was also, let’s face it, what the 21st century would consider Kinda Gay.

The central bond in society, the glue that made it work, was the relationships between soldiers, battlefield brotherhoods, and the intense, self-sacrifical love for the other that is familiar to anyone who has ever watched a war movie, and dates back (in explicitly gay form, at least) to the Sacred Band of Thebes. Medieval society had a careful and contested interaction with this ideal and this kind of relationship between men. Because they needed it for the successful prosecution of military ventures, they held it up as the best kind of love, to which the love of a woman could never entirely aspire, but that also ran the risk of the possibility of it turning (homo)sexual. Same-sex sexual activity was well-known in the Middle Ages, the end, full stop. The use of penitentials, or confessors’ handbooks, as sources for views or practices of queer sexual behaviour has been criticised (you will swiftly find that almost EVERYTHING used as a source for queer history is criticised, shockingly), but there remains the fact that Burchard of Worms’ 11th-century Decretum, a vast compilation of canon law, mentions same-sex behaviour among its list of sins, but assigns it a comparatively light penance. (I don’t have the actual passage handy, but it’s a certain amount of days of fasting on bread and water.) It assigns much heavier penalties for Burchard’s main concern, which was sorcery and the practice of un-Christian beliefs, rituals, or other persistent holdovers from paganism. This is not to say that homosexuality was accepted, per se, but it was known about, it must have happened enough for priests to list in their handbooks of sins, and it wasn’t The End of The World. Frankly, I am tired of having to argue that queer people existed and engaged in queer activity in the Middle Ages (not directed at you, but in general). Of course they did. Obviously they did. Moving on!

Anyway. Returning to gay knights specifically, the fact remained that if you encouraged two dudes to love each other beyond all other bonds, they might, you know, actually bang. This was worrisome, especially in the twelfth century, as explored by Matthew Kuefler, ‘Male Friendship and the Suspicion of Sodomy in Twelfth-Century France’ and Ruth Mazo Karras, ‘Knighthood, Compulsory Heterosexuality, and Sodomy’ in The Boswell Thesis: Essays on Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality, ed. Matthew Kuefler (Chicago; University of Chicago Press, 2006), pp. 179-214 and 273-86. I have written a couple papers (in the ever-tedious process of one day being turned into journal articles) on the subject of the Extremely Queer Richard the Lionheart, some material of which can be found in my tag for him. Richard’s queerness has been argued over for a long time, we all throw rotten banana peels at John Gillingham who took it upon himself to deny, ignore, or minimize all the evidence, but anyway. Richard was a very masculine and powerful man and formidably talented soldier who could not be reduced to the stereotype of the effeminate, weak, or impotent sodomite, and the fact that he was a prince, a duke, and a king was probably why he was repeatedly able to get away with it. But he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t the only one. He was very much part of his culture and time, even if he kept running into ecclesiastical reprisals for it. It happened. If you want a published discussion that covers some of my points (though not all of them), there is William E. Burgwinkle, ‘The Curious Case of Richard the Lionheart’, in Sodomy, Masculinity, and Law in Medieval Literature: France and England, 1050-1230 (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2004), pp. 73–85. Also on the overall topic, Robert Mills, Seeing Sodomy in the Middle Ages (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2015). 

Peter the Chanter, a Parisian cleric, also wrote De vitio sodomitico, a chapter of his Verbum abbreviatum, fulminating against “men with men, women with women [masculi cum masculis […] mulieres cum mulieribus]” which apparently happened far too often for his liking in twelfth-century Paris (along with cross-dressing and other genderqueer behaviour; the Latin version of this can be found in ‘Verbum Abbreviatum: De vitio sodomitico’ in Patrologia Latina, ed. Jacques-Paul Migne (Paris: 1855), vol. 205, pp. 333–35). Moving into the thirteenth and especially fourteenth centuries, this bond only grew in importance, and involved a new kind of anxiety. Richard Zeikowitz’s book, Homoeroticism and Chivalry: Discourses of Male Same-Sex Desire in the 14th Century (New York: Palgrave Macmillan, 2003), explores this discourse in detail, and points out that the intensely homoerotic element of chivalry was deeply embedded in medieval culture – and that this was something that was not queer, i.e. unusual, to them. It is modern audiences who see this behaviour as somehow contravening our expected stereotypes of medieval knights as Ultra Manly No Homo Men. When we label this “medieval queerness,” we are also making a judgment about our own expectations, and the way in which we ourselves have normalized one narrow and rigid view of masculinity.

England then had two queer kings in the 14th century, Edward II and Richard II, both of whom ended up deposed. These were for other political reasons, but their queerness was not irrelevant to assessments of their character and the reactions of their contemporaries. Sylvia Federico (‘Queer Times: Richard II in the Poems and Chronicles of Late Fourteenth-Century England’, Medium Aevum 79 (2010), 25–46) has studied the corpus of queer-coded historical writing around Richard, and noted that while the Lancastrian propaganda postdating the usurpation of Henry IV in 1399 obviously had an intent to cast his predecessor in as unfit a light as possible, the accusations of queerness started during Richard’s reign, “well before any real practical design on the throne […] and well before the famous lapse into tyranny that characterized the reign’s last few years. In poems and chronicles produced from the mid-1380s to the early 1390s, and in language that is highly charged with homophobic references, Richard II is marked as unfit to rule”. E. Amanda McVitty (‘False Knights and True Men: Contesting Chivalric Masculinity in English Treason Trials, 1388–1415,’ Journal of Medieval History 40 (2014), 458–77) examined how the treason trials of high-status individuals centred on a symbolic deconstruction of his chivalric manhood, demoting and exiling him from the intricate homosocial networks that governed the creation and performance of medieval masculinity.

This appears to have been a fairly extensive phenomenon, and one not confined to the geopolitical space of England. Henric Bagerius and Christine Ekholst (‘Kings and Favourites: Politics and Sexuality in Late Medieval Europe’, Journal of Medieval History 43 (2017), 298–319) traced the use of ‘discursive sodomy’ as a rhetorical tool employed against five late medieval monarchs, including Richard II and his great-grandfather Edward II, John II and Henry IV of Castile, and Magnus Eriksson of Sweden. In all cases, the ruler in question was viewed as emotionally and possibly sexually dependent on another man, subject to his evil counsels and treacherous wiles, and this reflected a communal anxiety that the body of the king himself – and thus the body politic – had been unacceptably queered. Nonetheless, as a divinely anointed figure and the head of state, the accusations of gender displacement or suspected sodomy could not be placed directly on the king, and were instead deflected onto the favourites themselves, generally characterised as greedy, grasping men of ignoble birth, who subverted both social and sexual order by their domination of the supposedly passive king. 

None of this polemic produced by hostile sources can be read as direct confirmation of the private and physical actions of the kings behind closed doors, but in a sense, this is immaterial. The intimate lives of presumably heterosexual individuals are constructed on the same standards of evidence and to much greater certainty.  In other words, queerness and queer/gay favourites could not have functioned as a textual metaphor or charged accusation if there was not some understanding of it as a lived behaviour. After all, if the practice did not physically exist or was not considered as a potential reality, there could have been no anxieties around the possibility of its improper prosecution.

This leads us nicely into the deeply vexed question of adelphopoiesis, or the “brother-making” ceremony argued by some, including John Boswell, as a medieval form of gay marriage. (Boswell, who died of AIDS in 1994, published the landmark Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality in 1980, and among other things, controversially argued that the medieval Catholic church was a vehicle for social acceptance of gay people.) Boswell’s critics have fiercely attacked this stance, claiming that the ceremony was only intended to join two men together in a celibate sibling-like relationship. A Straight Historian who participated in a modern version of the ceremony in 1985 actually argued that since she had no sexual inclinations or motives in taking part, clearly it was never used for that purpose by medieval men either. (Pause for sighing.) 

The problem is: we can’t argue intentions or private actions either way. We can understand what the idealized and legal designation for the ceremony was intended to be, but we cannot then outrageously claim that every historical individual who took part in it did so for the party line reason. Maybe medieval men who joined together in brother-making ceremonies did live a celibate and saintly life (this would not be surprising). It seems ludicrous to argue, however, that none of them were romantically in love with each other, or that they never ever ever had sex, because surprise, formulaic documents and institutional guidelines cannot tell us anything about the actions of real individuals making complex choices. Even if this was not always a homosexual institution (and once again with the dangerous practice of equivocating queerness with explicitly practiced and “provable” sexual behaviour), it was beyond all reasonable doubt a homoromantic one, and one sanctioned and organised according to well-known medieval conventions, desires (for two men to live together and love each other above all) and anxieties (that they might then have sex).

The medieval men who took a ‘brother’ would probably not have seen it as a marriage, or as the kind of household formation or social contract implied in a heterosexual union, but as we have also discussed, the definition of marriage in the Middle Ages was under constant contestation anyway.  The church was constantly anxious about knights: their violence, their (oftentimes) lack of religiosity, their proclivity for tournaments, swearing, drinking, and other immoral behaviour, the possibility of them having sexual affairs with each other and/or with women (though Andreas Capellanus, in De amore, wrote an entire spectacularly misogynistic handbook about how to have the right kind of love affair with a woman and dismissed same-sex relationships in one sentence as gross and unworthy, so he was clearly the No Homo Bro Knight of his day). So, as this has gotten long: gay knights were basically one of the central social, religious, and cultural concerns of the entire Middle Ages, due to their position in society, their necessity in a warlike culture, the social influence of chivalry and their tendency to bad behaviour, their perceived influence over the king (who they may also have given their Gay Cooties), their disregard of the church’s teachings, and the ever-present possibility that their love wasn’t celibate. So yes. Gay knights: Hella Historically Accurate.

The end.

[missmentelle]

Is "kink-shaming" or "kinkphobia" an actual problem? And on an often related note, what are your thoughts on "kink lifestylers"? Is it an unhealthy mindset to have?

I think we have to start by defining what kink-shaming and a “kink lifestyle” are.  “Kink-shaming” is when a person is told (or otherwise made to feel) that there is something wrong with them because they enjoy sexual activities that fall outside the “mainstream”. This could involve making someone feel like they are “dirty”, that they are unworthy of romantic love or a long-term partner, or even that there is something medically wrong them because of the things they enjoy. Kink-shaming is often aimed at the BDSM community, but it can also be targeted at people who have sexual fetishes like foot fetishes, or at people who enjoy activities like age play (sexual or non-sexual roleplaying where a person is treated as if they are a different age than they actually are).

A person who is a “kink lifestyler” is someone who engages in kink on more than an occasional basis - this is a person for whom kink is a large part of their life. They might regularly attend or host kink events, they may have a lot of friends and contacts within kink communities, and if they are in long-term romantic or queerplatonic relationships, it may be critical that their partner enjoys many of the same kinks they do. Some kink lifestylers even make a living through kink, whether they are professional doms, sex shop owners, or kink-friendly sex educators. You don’t have to regularly attend events or make money from kink to be a kink lifestyler, and you don’t have to be in a 24/7 master-slave situation - it simply means that kink plays a greater role in your life than something you occasionally dabble in. 

As both a person and a mental health professional, I am pro-kink, and anti-kinkshaming. I subscribe to the idea of sex positivity - I believe that adults should not be shamed or humiliated for consensual sexual activities they enjoy, no matter how “unusual” they may seem to others. People should be free to explore and express themselves sexually in ways that feel good to them - so long as consent is freely and enthusiastically given (and everyone involved is capable of giving consent), people should be free to do what they find pleasurable and feel good about engaging in those activities. I am not a member of the kink community myself, but I have worked in kink-friendly mental health and sexual violence resource centers - I used to help lead a kink-friendly sex education workshops, where we taught kink-specific information about sexual consent, boundaries and intimate partner violence. It’s one of the big reasons why I think it’s so important that we don’t kink-shame - when you make people feel ashamed of perfectly legal sexual activities and preferences because you’re uncomfortable with them, you make people from those communities reluctant to access education and resources that they might benefit from - and you also make sex educators reluctant to educate themselves about these communities and provide inclusive, informed services. People who enjoy kink and people who don’t enjoy kink can both experience domestic and sexual violence, but only one of those groups generally feels safe reaching out to domestic violence centers for help - and that’s a problem. 

There are also serious real-world consequences of kink-shaming. People who engage in kink can be fired from their jobs, socially ostracized, and risk losing custody of their children if their sexual preferences get out, due to the serious social stigma associated with kink. This is not hypothetical - one BDSM advocacy organization reported that from 1997 to 2010, 80% of the people seeking help from their legal services department were doing so because they’d lost custody of their children due to their involvement with BDSM. These aren’t people who exposed their children to kink - these are people who were deemed unfit parents because of the consensual, perfectly legal sex that they choose to have with willing adults behind closed doors was revealed in court by their ex-partners. One of my best friends is a lawyer for the federal government, and he also happens to be something of a kink lifestyler - he can no longer engage with the community in any way because having his preferences come out could end his career. Again, he has never harmed anyone or broken the law, but he could lose a highly specialized job that he has been working towards his whole life because of preferences that hurt no one. I think that’s a problem.  More generally, I think kink-shaming is an issue because sexual tastes are very broad, and the line between “kink” and “non-kink” is not as clear as you might think - the sexual practices that we deem “normal” and “not normal” are entirely a social construct. We’re causing people real harm when we arbitrarily decide that their sexual preferences are weird and gross, but that other people’s preferences are “healthy” and “normal”. Being sexually turned on by women’s breasts, for instance, is so normalized in western society that we’ve made it a sex crime for women to go topless. But being sexually interested in breasts is a sexual fetish. If a heterosexual man was revealed to have a preference for very large breasts and visible cleavage, he would probably not face any social consequences for that. Men being highly, highly attracted to extremely large breasts is seen as normal and healthy. A man being very attracted to feet, on the other hand, might be shamed and ostracized for that. 36% of American adults enjoy using masks, blindfolds or bondage tools during sex, 50-55% enjoy being bitten, and 65% fantasize about being tied up - but all those activities are considered “kink” and “not normal”. In contrast, only 28% of heterosexual women report that they enjoy performing oral sex on male partners, but that is considered a standard, healthy sexual activity that women are expected to engage in. Putting value judgments on what is “good sex” and “wrong sex” only makes it harder for people to explore and express what feels good to them.  Are there people in the kink communities who engage with kink in unhealthy ways? Yes. Are there people who have experiences with kink that they find harmful? Absolutely. But those are separate issues from “should we shame people who like kink?” There are unhealthy practices and people in every community and in every type of sexual situation - this is not unique to kink. There needs to be a lot more education and open discussion surrounding kink, so that we can make sure people are informed about boundaries and consent, and so that people feel safe reaching out for help when they might need it.  Hope this answers your question! MM