#I don’t wanna be a guy. the idea of being a man makes me VISCERALLY uncomfortable and dysphoric

[yuribalisms]

Everyday the allure of going on t just for a little bit so my voice gets lower gets stronger

[sashannarcy]

hi op what are your thoughts on uhhhh *spins wheel* sasha's season 2b arc (hope that's not too broad a subject)

edit: putting this under a cut bc it got LONG but. enjoy (???)

okay I gotta start by saying I didn't expect the depth of it at ALL; I knew Sash was featured prominently in the ending episodes of s2 based off of what my friend informed me, but like. I was not expecting 4.5 episodes to be almost ENTIRELY centered on their character arc and design (the .5 being the first half of True Colors).

that being said, I think Sash's 2b arc is PHENOMENAL bc of the way the nuance in it is written so incredibly well. this character is about to perform the most antagonistic move that they've pulled in the whole series so far, which is the act of betraying both Anne and Marcy in order to support Grime and get them home safe, if they so choose to go home (as an aside, I think at this point Sash has probably decided that she likes it more in Amphibia than back home, and there's one line that I'll get to that seems to be VERYYYY indicative of that. and if this is the case, it makes sense to me why Sasha would want to help Grime at all and why they don't really seem quite eager to follow Anne and Marcy back home. but! important to note that they still give those two the choice to go back if they wish, because at the end of the day Sash loves them and wouldn't try to force them to stay). and yet we see!! this back and forth!! this FIGHT that's happening in their mind, the way there's a flash of guilt they express at the very end of The Third Temple directly after confirming to Grime that things are still going according to plan, their convo w Anne at the end of The Dinner, the entire plot arc of BotB, and ofc the Sashanne duel in True Colors. I want to make an analysis post for each of these episodes because they're so fucking PACKED w shit to analyze, but I'll try my best to touch on all points here.

obviously we first learn of Sasha's plans to betray Anne and Marcy in The Third Temple. but what's important is that throughout the entire episode, there's several points where Sash switches back and forth between manipulation and honesty. I can talk abt this w confidence just based off of the whole. *gestures vaguely at myself.* but Sasha's initial apology in this episode was sheer manipulation, I think we all know that. however, when Sasha has to do their final test in the temple, those few lines they exchange w Anne in the moments before they raise themself up off the floor and launch themself into battle... those were genuine. they know they've been a shitty friend, and they're willing to accept that. so you have this game, almost, where Sash keeps flipping between putting on a mask to ensure they can keep up their facade until Grime secures the city and genuinely acknowledging their behavior and knowing that what they are doing is not going to sit well w Anne and Marcy.

so with that, The Third Temple sets the premise for the rest of the episodes of the season as far as Sasha's character arc. The Dinner is such a good fucking episode to follow with, because it hammers in the fact that Sasha has not changed. what it ALSO hammers in is she is still acting in her own self-interest - to put it in her words, she wants to get the friendship back under control. they still lash out, they still have a short fuse, they're still heavily opinionated and rough around the edges and prickly because this is an environment where they feel threatened. they're finally reuniting with the two people that mean the absolute most to them, only to realize they've been left out of the narrative. also not for nothing, but their trauma in Reunion got joked about in this episode which led to them blowing up over it, and like. I'm giving that one a pass bc man. anyway. at the end of the episode they say they like who they are, but it's said with a frown, which I think is fucking GENIUS. because there's an actual meaning to this line - they don't ACTUALLY like who they are. we have plenty of evidence that they don't like themself. what they MEAN is that they don't want to change, because that would mean giving up a security that they need in order to keep themself together. AND THIS IS DEMONSTRATED CRYSTAL CLEAR IN BOTB. they literally PURPOSEFULLY detach themself from Anne and Marcy bc they know they want control but they ALSO know that their behavior is just going to hurt the other two, so instead of compromising, they just go hey I'm gonna do my thing and you guys can do yours. and we'll both get what we want. and if that's not evidence that this character is fucking GRAPPLING with how to grow and change as a person, idk what is

and then. sigh. we get to True Colors. ofc Sash goes through on their betrayal - they're loyal to a fucking T once you dig beneath the surface, and they wouldn't just not follow through for Grime. what is absolutely KEY here is the fact that they are still leaving room for their friends' best interests, as in they're not trapping them in Amphibia but rather explaining how they're gonna help Grime take over, implying they'll go back home once they're done, but if Anne and Marcy wanna go back now, that's cool. if she didn't give a fuck abt their wellbeing, she'd just keep them there w her. but she doesn't. and then Anne starts retaliating, and. well. we ALL know Sasha does NOT do well with criticism of any kind. so they just go okay I'll send you back now then (and this is STILL an action motivated by what they think is best for Anne). BUT THE LINE. OHHHH THE SUPER IMPORTANT LINE THAT MADE MY HEAD SNAP UP AND MADE ME PHYSICALLY GO "YIKES" OUT LOUD. is Sasha saying "say hi to your parents for me." it's like a goddamn full-on sucker punch packed into one sentence - seven words, and all of a sudden we know for sure this kid does not have a good home life. I could go into elaboration on Sasha and the way she views familial ties throughout the show, but I won't bc that's gonna take this already super long answer and make it even worse. regardless, Sasha has once again flipped the switch and is indulging in their worst behaviors, which is full on controlling and holding power to act on what THEY think is best in the moment. and the moment Anne snaps, the moment Anne yells about Sasha being a horrible person, literally EVERYTHING shifts and the reaction from Sasha is VISCERAL. and what I mean by that is. it's not just the look in their eyes at those words. it's not just the sudden and complete loss of meaning, of self, of motivation after they've lost Anne's support. it's not just the way they stare at their own reflection in a sword that represents the color of the person they're trying their hardest to protect. it's the way that for the rest of the goddamn episode, they spend it trying to do the one thing they fear the most: giving up control. I'm gonna elaborate on this whole aspect in a different ask bc I was asked abt it, but the way Sasha acts towards Anne after the fallout, especially at the beginning of the duel and during the confrontation w Andrias, is fucking monumental. they struggle so much with how to change their own behavior, yet the very moment they lose the support of the people they've been trying so hard to love and care for in their roundabout way, they can change the way they act. because who the fuck is Sasha Waybright without Anne Boonchuy and Marcy Wu? in her mind, no one. she doesn't have any idea of who she is outside of this, so ofc she can act differently when she's thrown out in the cold. after all, it doesn't take much to warp an identity that doesn't exist.

tldr; god. how do I sum this up. Sash's 2b arc is smth that's incredibly intricate and complex from the way they constantly flip between desperately needing control and feeling guilty that this is the way they need to live. and True Colors is able to finally demonstrate to us the final piece in how they operate - without their friends, they lose sense of who they are, and their personality comes undone. in 4.5 episodes the writers managed to give us 1000 aspects to their character that we hadn't gotten to explore, and we can see that Sasha was never meant to be the villain. so. final review is that's some good shit👍

[fanfoolishness]

Liveblogging The Mandalorian chapter 15, The Believer:

Still can’t believe that Din didn’t run up to Cara shouting “THEY HAVE THE KID” the instant he saw her, except, I can, because emotional constipation. Or, alternately, if he holds off on telling her, he can pretend for just a little bit longer that Grogu’s not in danger?

Industrial junkyard in Star Wars... it’s an engineer’s wonderland

At least the Republic doesn’t keep them in those tiny cages forever? Not that this is much better, but at least there’s some vitamin D, right?

Mayfeld: “The actual fuck???” At all times in this episode

Boba’s ship in the background, love it

“I thought you were this other guy” still lands great XD

Mayfeld says “long time,” so that makes me wanna let Din and Grogu have a good year or so together. Right? Right. That and Greef’s beard, baby, it tells me they had a lot of time :)

Ooooh love the industrial undertones in the Mando theme over the credits right here!

Also, Slave 1, how do you even work? So much twirling around

Din, where do you get your planet information? “There’s nothing on Morak!” How do you know? Maybe he had a short list of worlds he could hide on with the kid and thought that was one of them.

Oh good, Din does call him Fett. I can’t imagine him being on a first name basis with him for some time.

This episode is 99.5% perfect but I still get mad that Fennec didn’t get a joke or any real character development in it! She’s wanted by ISB but for WHAAAAAT

“But I won’t be showing my face.” Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Din

Cara I fucking love how you just smash those idiots into bits XD

Din trusts her so much, ahhhhh friends <3 (But I’m relieved that now there’s no chance of the show trying to ship them, given Gina Carano’s rightful ouster. Bummed that no recast has occurred, but at least I can always think of them as friends)

Mayfeld is such a chatty motherfucker, I don’t know how Din hasn’t knocked his block off yet

Din under his breath: “Grogu Grogu Grogu Grogu Grogu, I’m hanging out with this guy for *Grogu*”

Din’s posture is so stiff inside the transport. Ugh, how awful the borrowed armor must feel

I love how Din’s all “I’ll take care of it.” There winds up being how many guys? How many thermal detonators? And Din’s just glad to get out of the passenger seat and away from Mayfeld, back in his comfort zone

That blaster throw kills me every fucking time XD

Unnngth the way they just shredded so much of his armor :(

I love the stunt work in this episode so much — just some awesome punches, kicks, etc, I love how visceral everything feels

Aw poor Din with that *sigh* and readying his fists like “here we fuckin’ go”

So crazy to see the stormtroopers cheering and celebrating like actual people. I feel like this is one of the few times they let you remember it. And Mayfeld’s little salute... yeah, the Empire was wrong, but he was there, and that’s a part of him, something hard to forget.

Ohhhhh man that whole scene is so fucking tense! I was going to type my reactions during it but couldn’t because I was still too mesmerized. I just see Din’s mind as this white, howling panic during the entire scene. No thoughts, head empty, just sheer panic tamped down and funneled into a painful focus on getting that information. But then Hess goes up to him and how does he channel that my face is bare my face is bare howling terror into words? Answer: he almost doesn’t. It’s hard for him to even mimic Mayfeld’s “yes sir” or to come up with any kind of reasonable lie. Pedro’s acting is just so good with so little said, all of Din’s existential crisis coming out in all of his micro expressions, the stiffness of his shoulders, his faltering words, and alternating between inappropriate direct unblinking eye contact and inappropriate aversion of his gaze. I love love love gif makers for taking and looping those moments so you can really see them individually; you get the sense of them watching the performance through, but it’s hard to put your finger on what actions show precisely that Din is so awkward and so out of his element until you can examine them one at a time.

Yeaaaaah I’m gonna rewind and rewatch that part. It still makes my heart jump into my throat for him.

And the way he raises his eyebrows, and gulps, and just literally stands there with his mouth half open — just very little idea of how to guard against those expressions showing, and why would he have ever practiced it??? (Though, to be fair. My face is also that obvious at all times, and I have no excuse, I’m just a terrible liar. I can usually at least keep my mouth closed though!)

Still mad no Cara and Fennec banter... why can’t they at least compliment each others’ guns or something?

Din just looks so fucking exhausted during this scene with Hess having a drink with them. Literally dazed and dissociating.

Din, frowning, shaking his head at Mayfeld: “Am I doing this right??? But he’s still going? How do people do this?”

I love “mud scuffer” as a term. What is it? I don’t even know, but I love it.

Mayfeld realizing what the Empire’s gonna do with the rhydonium and doing the math in his head. “All right, so that’s how it’s gonna be.”

“I never saw your face” ;______;

Din’s little head toss to Mayfeld telling him to get outta there! Awwwww that’s almost a hug coming from him.

“What’s our next move?” “I am gonna send Moff Gideon the SICKEST BURN”

HE MEANS MORE TO ME THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW *sobbing forever*

[signed-yours-truly-the-whale]

Thoughts/Observations on Joker, part 1

AKA I Spent 7 Hours on This, I Will Die if it Gets Less Than Three Notes

I could rave for hours about this movie’s cinematography. Literal hours.

Nobody talks enough about Arthur’s full-fledged dedication to his clown craft. Man is working 60+ hours a week and does not break a sweat. I also fucking love this clowny face he pulls here. The first shot we see of Arthur in full. Holy shit is it beautiful. God bless Joaquin Phoenix.

These two shots together are incredibly important to me. In a split-second we see Arthur’s disbelief that he cannot control the whirlwind of emotions inside of his own head, not even being able to produce a smile, and then his resignation because it’s just another day. Heartbreaking.

Awwww shiiiiit

Gotham City is such a dump but I’d be bullshitting myself if I said I didn’t love the grimy aesthetic of it. It’s technicolor trash.

Arthur loves his job so much. He genuinely enjoys being Carnival. That hurts a lot to think about in hindsight.

This man just got his ass handed to him and he is STILL SPRAYING THE FAKE FLOWER ON HIS VEST

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT DEDICATION

This opening card is so imposing. Not only does it take up the entire screen to the point of running off the edges, but it’s shielding Arthur from view. Arthur is invisible in light of Joker in Arthur’s own movie.

I screenshotted this by accident but I felt a need to put it here because he’s just so adorable. Even right before an episode.

E y e s s s s s

E Y E S S S S S

I desperately want to know what got Arthur sent to Arkham the first time. A suicide attempt? A public breakdown? I really want fanfics of it.

There’s a really, really good fanfiction on AO3 by Arthur_Fleck about Arthur slowly recovering and meeting a girl called In the Major and Minor Arcana

I highly, highly recommend it

Okay. Joaquin’s immersion into his characters -- all of them -- is absolutely incredible. But Arthur is just ... off the charts, man. No two of his characters are the same and he embeds himself so deeply in their skin, but Joaquin buried himself so deeply into Arthur’s brain that it is so hard for me to see any of Joaquin at all. God, he’s incredible and this shot makes me emotional because this just is Arthur.

ARTHUR WOULD BE A GREAT DAD AND I DO NOT ACCEPT ARGUMENTS

It really speaks to how shitty Gotham is that this man is having a full-fledged screaming/laughing breakdown on the bus and nobody is batting an eye

I adore how the cinematography paints Arthur as so small to his own environment. He’s a speck of dust. A fleck.

Babie is wincing :((((

I have been trying to figure out the layout of this apartment for months and my inability to, even with a floor plan, is driving me insane

I just found out that the Budweiser beer jingle Here Comes the King is on the soundtrack and plays when Arthur comes home and that made me go feral

I  A M  M U R R A Y , K I N G  O F  A S S H O L E S

It is second nature for me to do this stupid pose every time I watch this scene

Arthur blending into the crowd here makes me ... so happy. He looks so happy.

This is Arthur’s best laugh of the movie, fuck you. I am incredulous that I was the only person laughing when I saw this in the theater opening night.

This is one of the few moments I really see Joaquin shine through Arthur. I don’t know why, but this lighting and his voice and his intensity gives me visceral flashbacks to watching a little boy Joaquin in Parenthood. God, I love this man.

It really is a testament to Penny’s (lack of) parenting that Arthur is day dreaming about receiving affection and validation from a parent figure when his own mother is literally right there

GOD DAMN THIS MAN IS GORGEOUS

But also big bruise :(

Yes, I shall trust you, man named Randall smiling down at me in low angle light

Why was Hoyt not informed that Arthur got his ass beat on the job? As Arthur’s employer he should’ve literally been the first person to know so he could make a note of it. Either he wasn’t told or he gave so little of a fuck that his consciousness astral projected to another plane of existence while he shoved the white powder down his throat and forgot Arthur existed at all.

Literally fuck Hoyt. I hate him even more that his office is the coolest shit in the world

ARTHUR KNOWS THE CUSTOMER SERVICE SMILE

Joaquin dislocated his knee in this scene, the poor boy

I could write a full damn essay about why the misleading advertising of Sophie as a prominent character was the greatest twist of the whole movie. Literally I am still speechless how the movie did that.

I am not kidding when I say my sister has this same color scheme in the bathroom of our house and realizing that made me werewolf

Also Arthur being the son Penny doesn’t deserve warms and breaks my heart

The complete lack of reaction to Penny’s “Don’t you have to be funny to be a comedian” makes me laugh and cry internally

This shot? Gorgeous. His face? Deadly. That jawline? Cutting diamonds. Hotel? Trivago.

I really, really want a Joker 2, but at the same time I do not want a Joker 2 because Joaquin Phoenix has a baby who needs him now and he cannot be pulling shit like losing 52 lbs for a role

Also I REALLY need to discuss how much this brass ballet reminds me so heavily of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Holy fuck, I got actually chills in the theater

Like holy fuck

And then this shot reminds me so heavily of the opening of Fedddy vs Jason with Freddy Krueger laughing over his newspaper collage of missing children. Holy fuck I love this cinematography.

Guys. G - Guys, his name tag says Dr. Carnival, can you hear me  s o b b i n g

This part is so Chaplinesque, the way he slides the gun into his coat again

These children look so afraid of him for dropping the gun and wowie, does that really hurt

Was this asshole supposed to be modeled after Eric Trump? Because I get really douchebaggy Eric Trump vibes (minus the jacked teeth) from this ringleader

I don’t have much to say here except I am in love with the way Artie’s hair sticks straight up in bottle curls when the clown wig slides off

Also if you decide it’s a good idea to mess with a man dressed as a clown laughing maniacally on the subway of one of the most dangerous cities in the world, you are asking him to shoot you and I will not feel sorry for you

I will never not be in love with this image. I fell in love with it in the teaser trailer and almost went feral in the middle of the mall when I saw this was the poster they used to advertise the movie with. My friend described this movie as “chaos, beautified,” and nothing sums it up as well as this picture.

JOAQUIN AND TODD MADE THIS ENTIRE SEQUENCE UP AND I AM IN LOVE

Hello, handsome

[cottagecorewhore420]

Zukka Fluff <3

Protective!Sokka, Fluffy Zukka

Just a short drabble of these two lovelies being emotional on main; also, Sokka finds out how Zuko got his scar.

I hope you like it! Please lmk what you think, I’d love to hear!! <3

They were laying out under the stars, Zuko’s head cushioned by Sokka’s chest, laying contendlt as Sokka carded his hands through the elder’s hair.

“It’s hot,” Sokka complained. Not because he was truly bothered, but he wanted to break their (albeit comfortable) silence.

“Do you want me to move, because I can-“

“No!” Sokka held tighter to Zuko, wrapping both arms around him to prevent him from leaving. Zuko laughed, reorienting himself in a new position, accepting the aplogetic ‘please-don’t-leave’ kiss from Sokka with a grin.

“I was just observing, is all.”

“oh.” There was a beat, before Zuko continued. “Well...You’re hot.”

Sokka looked down at Zuko, who was grinning cheekily up at him from his new position of laying with his head on Sokka’s lap.

“Just observing, is all.” The fire lord said flirtatiously, before turning and looking out to the ocean.

Sokka chuckled quietly, so happy that they had made it to the point in their lives that Zuko was happy and  felt safe enough to joke and flirt like he did. It wasn’t suave, by any means, but the attempts at seduction were so Zuko that it was all the better.

Zuko was idly tracing patterns on Sokka’s calves, when he noticed a scar, about three inches long, shining white in the moonlight. It was obviously old, and long-healed, but he hadn’t ever seen it before.

Admittedly, though, they had only been dating for a few months, during which time Zuko had been trying to make reparations to the rest of the world on behalf of his nation and family.

He wanted to know what it was, wanted to know everything there was to know about Sokka, but additionaly, he knew how hurtful it was to always be asked about a scar; how it reduced you to nothing but some messy looking skin tissue.

Sokka had noticed the traced patterns starting to zero in on the old wound though, and unbothered, decided to tell Zuko.

“It’s from a fishing accident when I was a kid.”

Zuko jolted slihghtly, worried that he had somehow made it too obvious he was interested, but Sokka pressed on, obviously still content and not upset at all.

“Me and Katara were going with our dad and Bato to the ice-holes, to go fishing. Me and Katara had one hole, and then Bato and dad had one each. Me and katara were, predictably, arguing back and forth, and we started pushing each other and arguing- we hadn’t caught any fish, and we both were convinced it was the other’s fault. Anyways, I decided I was gonna make my own fishing hole, to prove that it was her fault we weren’t catching any fish. So, I stomped about ten feet south of her, and then realized I needed something to make the hole. So, being the stupid little kid I was, I yelled at Katara to throw me the bone-dagger we use to skin the fish. And, being the stupid little kid Katara was, she threw it. It, uh-,” Sokka sheepishly cleared his throat, before continuing. “It detached from the holder mid-air, and went right through my leg. It slashed my calf really bad, but that’s all that’s left, at this point.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Nah, it’s all healed up now. Besides, I’ve heard scars are sexy. They apparently help pick up cute guys.”

Zuko sat up, quirking his non-scarred brow at Sokka, who laughed and just grabbed Zuko, moving him towards him until they were hugging, stomach to stomach, Zuko in Sokka’s lap.

“I’m just kidding- I really only wanna pick up one guy.”

“Hmmph.” Zuko looked away playfully, ignoring Sokka’s attempts to kiss him. “Is this mystery guy a cute guy?”

“Oh, the cutest.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. He’s got this really hot teen angst, brooding vibe, but once you get to know him he’s a total softie. It’s really quite endearing.”

Zuko’s cheek colored, blush matching his other cheek’s red.

“Well… seems like a lucky guy if he’s managed to catch you.”

“Oh, I’m definitely the lucky one.”

“Yeah?”

Sokka was in Zuko’s face suddenly, breathing in the same air, hot puffs of breath hit Zuko’s lips. Blue eyes met gold, both blown wide with lust.

Leaning forward, centimeters away from his lips, Sokka whispered “yeah.” Before leaning forward, capturing Zuko in a heated kiss, grabbing Zuko’s thighs and moving him higher up on his lap, stabilizing him.

The movement and flippant showing of strength from his insanely hot water-tribe beefcake of a boyfriend made Zuko moan brokenly into the kiss, which just allowed Sokka access to lick into Zuko’s now-opened mouth.

~

They laid there, panting, Zuko completely atop Sokka, his non-scarred ear pressed against Sokka’s chest, listening to the beat of his heart, allowing it to comfort him.

Despite laying fairly-openly on the beach, he hadn’t felt this safe and protected in a long time than when he was here, right in this moment, basking in the afterglow with Sokka.

“I have a scar from a family member too.”

“Yeah, baby?” Sokka’s tone was light; he didn't want to pressure Zuko into sharing his scar’s story. 

Even when Katara had pressured him when they began dating, he had remained firm that if Zuko never wanted to discuss it, it was his own prerogative, and that was fine, too.

“Yeah… I was thirteen, and my uncle had talked the war-room guards into letting me sit in on my first strategy meaning. So, we went in, and this general was talking about how he was going to move an entire division of troops into a suicide-mission, purely as a distraction.”

The night around them was quite, still except for their voices, as if Yue was watching to make sure nothing interrupted them from this obviously-important moment.

Sokka was sickened at the horrifically brutish militia tactics the fire nation used to employ- to willingly sacrifice hundreds of lives, just for a slight strategical advantage? Disgusting.

“I… I didn’t agree, didn’t think that was right. I spoke up, even though Uncle had warned me not to. But I went on and said how reprehensible that was, how those were real people, with families and lives, and a loyalty to our nation. I was quickly rebuked, and in a show of anger, I agreed to an Agni Kai.“

“Oh my god- at 13?!”

“Yes. And I was stupid enough to take the offer.”

“Oh my god- baby, I’m so sorry.” Sokka curled an arm protectively over his boyfriend’s form. Sokka ached for 13-year-old Zuko, scared and desperate to please his father, to please his nation.

“When I got to the arena, and prepared for the Agni Kai, it was revealed to me that I wasn’t going to be fighting the general. Because I had spoken out of turn in the fire lord’s war room, my slight was against the fire lord, not the general.”

“No-“ Sokka gasped, heart clenching at what he suspected was going to come next.

“My father was there, and said he would be who I battled in the Agni Kai for my honor. I- I had no idea it was him I would be fighting. I dropped to my knees, in front of the whole stadium, crying, pleading. I refused to fight my own father, and I told him as his humble and loving son, I refused to do so. I was so sorry, I was so scared.”

Zuko at this point had sat up, staring out at the ocean, legs crossed in a meditative-esque pose, hands on their respective knees. His voice was small, almost drowned out by the gently cresting waves. 

To hear him, Sokka had moved so he was sitting directly behind him, purposefully not touching his boyfriend despite a visceral want to do so. He  knew this was a hard thing for Zuko to discuss, and he also knew physical touch was something his boyfriend struggled with.

“My father… he told me I had brought dishonor to myself, and in punishment held his hand over my eye, and shot a burst of flame into my face. He banished me that night, and Uncle went with me… he said I would only be allowed back, to restore my honor if I brought him the avatar.”

Sokka jumped up, and started aggressively pacing back and forth, parallel to Zuko.

As if pulled from a dream, the thousan yard stare Zuko had adopted broke, looking shocked at the tensed body of his boyfriend.

“Sokka?”

When he didn’t get a response, Zuko worriedly stood up and approached his stony faced boyfriend, shocked to find tears rolling down his dark cheeks.

“Where is he?”

“Wha-“

“Where is Ozai?!”

Zuko was shocked at the aggressive tone of Sokka’s voice. He had never heard him this… feral sounding. And, pushing past the thought that is was insanely (I mean, really, insanely hot), he was worried.

“Why do you need to know where my father-?”

“Don’t call him that, Zuko! That disgusting animal doesn’t deserve any relation to you.” Sokka looked like a mongoose-viper, coiled and ready to strike. His growled words and obvious anger were very confusing to Zuko, who just watched warily. He didn’t think Sokka would hurt him, but he was confused at the anger literally emanating from Sokka in waves.

“Why are you mad?”

“Why am I- Because I am trying to stop myself from building a ship, sailing to mainland, and hunting through every prison cell in the fire nation until I find your deadbeat father.”

“What- why?!”

“Tui and La, Zuko, because that vile excuse for a human had the audacity to lay his hands on you, his own fucking son with such a sick fucking intent- I just. That shit isn’t okay. If this were back home, I would have his fucking head, for doing that. To a- to a kid, Zuko!”

Sokka was crying now, tears illuminated under Yue’s averted gaze.

“Baby, I’m okay.”

“But it’s not okay. I am- I’m so sorry Zuko. The hand that you were dealt was so fucking unfair. I am so sorry, I wish I could protect you from that fucking monster. I just- I want to rip his head off. How dare he-“ Zuko brought his distraught boyfriend into his arms, who slumped down into the smaller framed man.

Sokka’s tears were steadily flowing, soaking Zuko’s bare chest.

“It’s okay, Sokka. I’m sorry I said anything, I-“

“No, please- I’m- God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be the one being comforted right now.” He pulled away from Zuko, scrubbing his face with his hand. His form, now fully matured, towerd over Zuko. (Holy shit that’s hot Zuko thought staring at his jutting muscles in the moonlight, before admonishing himself that now was not the time to be horny on the beach.)

“It’s just- the mere thought of someone laying a hand on you, baby, especially with such an evil purpose, it makes my blood boil. I love you so much, Zuko, and I know you probably aren’t ready to say that, which is fine, but I love you so fucking much and all I want is to protect you, and heal you, and save you from-mmhph!” 

Sokka was silenced by Zuko’s fervent kiss, hungrily moving his lips against his boyfriends.

When they both needed air, the pulled apart regretfully, panting in sync.

 “I love you too.”

They fell back into the sand, and back into each others arms, languidly kissing, feeling blessed to be with the other, in their small, personal realm of love and safety.

~

“Iroh.”

“Hello, Sokka. What an unexpected surprise!” The reitred war general regarded his nephew’s boyfriend warmly, if not slightly appraisingly as he stood outside Iroh’s quarters in the palace.

“Is it?”

“Ah, well, perhaps not entirely. My nephew mentioned he has told you the story behind his scar.”

“He did.”

“When he came to me, he seemed very shocked to find your reaction so… visceral. I had to explain to him that anyone who loves him truly and deeply will react much the same. He still has trouble realizing his worth, how his treatment as a child was so flawed. He’s still accepting that the world’s treatment of him wasn’t right, and wasn’t deserved.”

“I… I haven’t felt that kind of anger in a long, long time. Maybe ever.”

“Hmm. That is just the price of love, Sokka.” he mused. Turning his wizened eyes to the younger man, “Now, I’m sure you’ve come to see me for more than a hello, yes?”

“Do you know where Ozai is being kept?”

Iroh regarded the man, studying him, not letting the shock show on his face.

Far from the young child-soldier with traditional face paint on who he first saw many years ago; Sokka had grown so much.

In place of that lanky, pubescent boy, stood now a full-fledged southern water tribe warrior, who had the traditional tattoos, battle scars, and hard-earned wisdom to prove his standing in the world. He had fought for all he had, and he protected what he saw as his.

With a deep sigh, Iroh moved aside from the doorway. “Hmm... this may be a bit longer than I thought. Do come in, Sokka… won’t you play me in a riveting game of Pai Sho?”

[toshkakoshka]

jesse/gustavo: because i swear to god i will riot on the -10 fics available

i swear to god there has only been ONE (1) FIC thats meant way too much to me in this entire tag; op fucking got it from here and they didn’t even have to do any goddamn kissing. 

yes, of course, gustavo is a favorite villain and jesse is just. my sweet baby. so i was like ayo why not and then i started laughing to myself, suddenly the camera zooms to my face and BOOM. 

la idea. 

unfortunately, if anybody knew me well enough, if i get a good idea i fuck around way too hard on it, regret it, and then immediately obsess over it.

so:

why this exactly? i’m a sucker for unexplained concepts. i’m also very bad at picking a common preference, and as much as i don’t like walt/jesse to be romanticized it’s like... hard to push away the fact that their relationship explains the reason why jesse can’t exactly leave.

jesse’s a sweetheart. he’ll take the responsibility to care about anyone and he’s just so malleable and vulnerable, and it’s horrible to witness the fact the show really hammers that shit in. walt is just incredibly unworthy of the concern he actually shows him and we all know it. he doesn’t belong to this world, he deserves to have a good life with people he loves, but these worlds obviously just.... don’t fit. 

at least, if you turn the perspective into something to where this has to be his life now.

i dunno. you wanna pick all the men in jesse’s life? it’s not the... well. it wasn’t the considered option but it’s certainly better than walt; and so we pick: Gustavo Fring. 

first impression? awful. but fortunately for jesse, gustavo’s actually seen the potential in this kid. i mean, you gotta be very special if you’re the junkie who gets picked to do work over someone who actually has knowledge over this shit, right? that’s the fascination. the intrigue. but he thinks, for the fact he’s witnessed how innocent this kid actually is, that it’s easy to manipulate. 

not so fast: jesse knows how to read through situations now. he knows how gustavo’s words and ways are, he knows he’s dangerous, what does this dinner mean? a personal warning. gustavo is not happy, but he’s begrudgingly impressed that jesse knows how to read it the way it is. 

it’s not about the challenge, that gustavo’s intrigued by. it’s the fact that he was right about having to find that there’s more to jesse than just his first impression. 

also, do yall like... notice that gustavo has a very specific way of smiling when he’s being the boss of los pollos hermanos. the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. a real smile always includes your eyes crinkling, but the more you look into this man’s eyes it’s genuinely just. plastic. gustavo has never smiled outside of that incident. gustavo has never expressed any emotion outside of pure rage and terror, meanwhile back in the older days, he actually used to take better action.

guess who actually let him have the smirk of pride?

jesse. 

back in the mexico epsiode, where the kid proved himself to actually be a leader in leading this shithole of a lab? yeah, sure, big dick = being good impression for power, probably also cements the fact that he’s incredibly useful for the future of the empire (lmao what empire am i right haashdahfhdf *sobs*), but my ass has Witnessed both better call saul and breaking bad to fucking confirm that this is probably the only genuine time gustavo has smirked. IT REACHED THIS DUDE’S EYE, LIKE, IDK WITH YOU BUT THAT’S A FEAT IN ITSELF EVEN IF IT’S JSUT A SLIGHT TWITCH. IM PROBABLY GOING INSANE BUT IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE

you know what makes me salty is that it seems like not a lot of fics invest in this fact, but gus seems to just have the absolute worst time handling emotions. yeah, sure, all of these guys are dudes who repressed their trauma, but we all have FIRST HAND WITNESS as to how that fucking came to be. his emotions disappeared from losing the one person who he’s had such an intimate connection with, it’s probably even the last time he’s cried or screamed considering we see none of that shit. gustavo twitches, shakes, but the rest of his rage comes from killing people and even that it’s just pure silence. he’s so viscerally broken that it’s actually heartbreaking to know how easily he can just shut it out until he’s alone. 

and i bring this up ‘cause this is the factor of potential in the relationship that i’m obsessed with. i’ve been absolutely taken by the headcanon that max used to be like jesse, he had a talent in picking things up but had the unfortunate habit of using in the middle of it all. 

it’s a punch to the gut. seeing someone young, inexperienced but already so exhausted. gus doesn’t know if it’s pleasant or if it’s absolutely splitting, but for every twitch in gus’s expression and the way he’s slowly approaching jesse beckons him into having to forcefully realize that the walls that he’s put up are slowly, ever so slightly, reaching. 

for the first time, gustavo wants to feel it for himself. 

it’s about what could have been, really. he feels affection for him, and he’s... he’s not afraid, or angry about it, it’s more of something confusing and nostalgic and it’s awful, but he wants to hold jesse’s face in his hands and care for him the way he knows how. 

or, if he still ever really remembers to. 

he tries not to let it get to him. 

for jesse, on the other hand, we know what’s going on with him: it’s horrible. it’s unfortunate. someone come give this kid a hug (*AHEM*) 

he’s the before process of everybody involved in this goddamn show. 

what could this guy possibly ever really see in a monster like gus?

well, for one thing, in spite of everything, he could never stomach another death unless it really had to be done. even then, he’s only human. and because he knows that gus has told him that he sees something in him, that’s given him that leverage to know what kind of person gus must be. 

like, he’s curious. but he also wants to hear that he can make somebody proud, and that somebody could adore him for that. (and they do, don’t worry baby)

so what’s jesse’s end on the bargain? 

what he wants in a man is a figure who actually deserves the care he gives. he craves affection and love and is unintentionally working through those barriers, wanting to know things from gus that the guy has never really bothered to specify. 

he... hates to think about it. but theres something that he really, really wants from gus’s positive attention. it’s earned, and deserving, and it’s rare but gus wants to be a person sometimes, too. jesse makes him feel like a person every time he fucking drags him through the dirt, but the fact that he’s never changed the way he’s spoken means that it’s the equal footing they have to be on. 

so sometimes he accidentally catches the looks: the unrestrained relaxed demeanor gus adapts, lingering grasps on his shoulders. to him, gus is a man who’s probably never touched anybody without the intent of strangling to death, but he’s about to be wronged. semi-wronged. gustavo has never given affection in a long time, but now he’s giving this random kid a soft spot because it’s a relationship that he for once has never been yelled at for being all wrong or doing everything badly. 

maybe that’s why jesse wants to know about it. being special will always mean so much to him, because clearly it’s been difficult to get that. intimacy is just a differrent thing when it comes to the both of them. it always starts with attachment. 

[mc-slowwalker]

MULLET MULLET MULLET YES

philza being 100000 years old is something I can get behind tbh. my least favourite age hc, which I think I actually hate with a burning passion, is the tommy and tubbo were 9 during the first l’manberg wartime actually ignites a visceral rage in me

yeah!! I managed to make it to pink’s bedwars stream the other day and it was great. yeah lol I was lowkey upset too when foolish was added cause I had no idea who he was but he’s super fun so that’s cool! I like high energy stream more too cause I zone out super easily. unless it’s dream, he can stream anything and I’ll try my hardest to pay attention the whole time

ooooh vet that’s cool. oh my god c!dream going into the dentist after months in prison😭😭😭 I’m imagining c!techno as a beefy pig sitting in the kind of small couch/seats we have in the waiting room. Tommy would 100% bite and then get really mad about getting a toy that we give to little kids after their treatment lol

omg the pet wars 😔😔😔 so sad. everyone in the dsmp is emotionally attached to their animals than anything else and what can I say, I’m the same

oh yeah I also tend to take c!dream criticism to heart more idk why. I’m definitely way more defensive of c!dream apologists than any other they get so much unnecessary shit. though from your other anons it looks like c!sam apologists are getting more shit too which sucks but solidarity ig. oh man I get you I have to tell myself to like take a step back and not take everything so personally. another thing on twitter is that people who vehemently hate c!dream will sometimes just refuse to use /dsmp /roleplay tags like it’s not that hard, tweets without that have already been misinterpreted to hate on cc!dream which just pisses me off like you can have your shit opinion just tag it properly. and like when people tell them to include it they’ll be like “ohh the dream apologists harassed me.” and yeah people genuinely go around calling c!dream apologists abuse apologists and it’s terrible. like I don’t care if you have your bad takes and aren’t willing to discuss them, just tag it properly and don’t shit on c!dream apologists it’s not that hard. though it’s funny the other day, the first time I replied to some shut take on twitter, in a lighthearted manner too, I got instantly blocked and there’s this on person on twt, they’re also on tumblr, that blocks anyone that even slightly disagrees with them. oh well ig

also did you see about that lore that foolish did? it was certainly something

sorry for the late and shorter reply I got halfway through writing this then went to do something then just fell asleep and I just got a notification that ponk is live! and I’m awake so Imma go watch them

Jack Mulletfold I’m on my jack manifold mullet truther arc

The 9 year old thing was bad and I also hated the c!dream was 13 during the l’manburg war thing too like no this is all so much funnier if they are the ages that they are now. And like father like son fundy tried to set a timeline up too (his it’s been a year comment) like no dude stop time doesn’t exist unless it’s real world

With watching streams I’m the exact same way but I usually tune into quackity and tommy’s chill streams as well. I think it’s because I know them enough to care about what they’re saying so the lack of mental stimulation is made up for by my want to care

Wait fuck with the dentist thing would c!techno actually have to go to a vet instead because of anatomy stuff or-

C!Dream is probably missing a few teeth and after not brushing so long ugh

I would joke that c!sapnap’s done nothing wrong but I haven’t forgiven him for henry

I simply don’t user twitter I tried to post a shit post but I don’t understand the tagging system so it flopped. Stopped using it there and then. say what you want about me but you guys gotta know that I’m a petty bitch first and foremost. With the “harassment” stuff I’ve had my fair share of sending anons asking people to tag stuff right and half the time they just say why and then don’t do it. You wanna know why? Please thats why. I have a real issue with the abuse apologist stuff because like bro that’s a serious accusation and it’s overall just seems super inappropriate. It usually doesn’t get to me but if I’m in the wrong mood it can really fuck me up. When cc!wilbur said that every character was morally gray and that c!dream apologists were right & wrong about somethings I was kinda like “oh thank god a streamer I like doesn’t hate me for liking c!dream” and was hella embarrassed that I even let it get me that far skdhfk. Oh yeah about people blocking you there are so many people who have me blocked on here and while I totally encourage using your block button liberally and often I still notice and its like aw man… creeper…… so we back in the mines…….

You’re gonna have to be a little more specific I feel lije foolish has done a lot of lore, though I think I’ve missed most of it. Are you talking about truing to break into the prison? Hilarious that every character despite their opinion on c!dream has at one point attempted to break into the prison. If only c!dream knew that the only common enemy the server needed was a building they were supposed to stay out of

dont say sorry that’s illegal (/j) also the thing I like about anon is that you can come back and respond when ever is best for you? Makes me feel like an old western bar tender who is just vibing. That’s the dream social interaction tbh

[jonismitchell]

hey!! i haven’t talked to you in forever i hope you’re doing well. idk if you’ve answered this recently, sorry- top three on every album (totally put why if you want to, i love hearing people’s different opinions on this)

ahhh hey! i’m doing okay (as well as can be considered given the state of the world). i have not answered this question since folklore came out, so here’s a short opinion piece by yours truly. (under the cut because i never learned to shut up)

debut:  - our song: listening to taylor swift sing from the “man’s perspective” for the first time is something that can be so personal. i’m pretty sure that this is also the first taylor song i ever heard (in 2012) so i have some degree of emotional attachment to it.  - invisible: cause i just wanna show you! she don’t even know you! visceral flashbacks of playing this on loop while watching ever after high and harry potter videos in, like, fifth grade. truly describes my pining for every single person i’ve ever liked oops - should’ve said no: she’s so righteously angry and i love it. also the country accent is so strong here and i am absolutely obsessed with that.... legends only. anyway this is your reminder not to get back with your scumbag ex.

fearless: - love story: this is a classic! this is literally a classic. god the forbidden love, the happy ending, this implications of this being one of the biggest hits of her career.... it is The Ultimate Taylor Swift Song and we all just have to respect that. also a healthy dose of “the man’s perspective.” she SAW that film before and she changed the ending!! i cannot :) - come in with the rain: her vocals on this song are so dreamy and the song is really sweet. i think it manages to be lowkey and straddle how fucking dramatic being a teenager is with a lot of class that most of fearless doesn’t access. it’s a good song! - you belong with me: hey it’s the lonely hopeless romantic anthem! yes i know i’m citing the two biggest hits from fearless... they got popular because they’re super good okay! i would argue that the songwriting here is very classic taylor and it’s also super sweet :) 

speak now: - last kiss: ugh this really is an amazing breakup ballad. it’s full of amazing one-liners like “you can plan for a change in the weather and time but i never planned on you changing your mind.” i can’t believe how brilliant the whole song is and it’s even more impressive when you remember she wrote it alone. cannot wait to hear the updated vocals but the shaky breaths in the original are perfection <3 - enchanted: okay this is actually my favourite speak now song but i thought i’d shut up about being a lonely romantic for more than five seconds! anyway i have projected this onto so many people... it’s so relatable and yet it’s super general and YET it makes no sense when you think about it... that’s my style of taylor swift song  - the story of us: i love how blatantly unhinged taylor was while writing speak now it really speaks to me. i didn’t really like this one so much before but i went through a Thing and binge listened and now i am obsessed. love love love the lyrics and i think the production suits it well too 

red:  - holy ground: this is my ALL TIME FAVOURITE taylor swift song. i genuinely think these are the best lyrics she has written in her whole career.... “we blocked the noise with the sound of you and for the first time i had something to lose?” no one is doing it like her they simply aren’t. this song is absolutely perfect.... i don’t really have words to describe it i just need everyone to appreciate my taste for a minute - treacherous: gay little taylor swift. the whole idea of forbidden love crops up again here and i have to say i love it. i swear to god the vibes... the quiet confessional on the verses that explodes into this huge ranting bridge? that’s it that’s it that’s one of the best songs of all time man miss swift is an icon - state of grace: love is like a religion, perhaps. this contains such a wonderful extended metaphor and utilizes a bunch of different writing tactics so well. i sound like a broken record at this point but this is a good song! and yes i project it onto lucas (i’m fine to say that no one is reading this much)

1989:  - wildest dreams: oh just say you’ll remember me! it’s the songs about doomed love that always get me, something forbidden, something you have to keep private for fear of it being destroyed. side note, everyone who thinks a song as good as this is about harry styles can fight me. taylor pulled this out of my personal diary in sixth grade and it hasn’t stopped being relatable since - wonderland: oh you guys know i love a literary reference and wonderland is so good. haven’t you heard what becomes of curious minds is also really gay so the song works well for me. oh and a special shoutout to everyone who removed a tattoo because of this song, i hope you’re doing real well - style: very happy that i never think of anyone in particular when i listen to this banger and instead just enjoy it like a normal person <3 i remember not understanding the hype until binge listening to 1989 one day in eighth grade and being like “oh i get it now” so there’s that (shoutout to this love for nearly being on this list)

reputation: - dancing with our hands tied: this is another one of my all time favourites! the pining, the gay vibes, the love that dies in secrecy... it basically goes through my list of how to be a good song and ticks my requirements off one by one. i love how anxious the production is and her emotion while singing it on rep tour. karlie kloss fucking fight me challenge. - new year’s day: this quiet subtlety of this love ballad gets to me... it was my favourite when i originally listened to reputation and hasn’t fallen out of the top three since. i think it highlights taylor’s songwriting abilities and her ability to make me cry, both very important aspects of music - delicate: this is another hopeless romantic pining song! how many are we up to now? i really think delicate is the essential crush song that describes basically every feeling i’ve ever had. and unfortunately, up to this point, it has all been delicate :/ at least i have the solace of sharing problems with a talented millionaire

lover: - cruel summer: this really is THE fucking song for me... it encapsulated my ninth grade year, it makes my heart hurt, it’s line after line of pain to me personally. i have no idea what miss swift is banging on about here (and i prefer it that way) but it really just means a lot to me! another song that sounds like my diary entry and is also completely inaccessible, i don’t know how she does it. - the archer: i love the moment where taylor swift decided that she was going to give those of us with anxiety a theme song every single album, and i think the archer is a definite highlight of her whole career. the subtle dreampop influences and the confessional vibes make it exactly what i wanted from lover, and also it hurts me emotionally in ways i can’t fully articulate.  - lover: see, i do have a heart! listen, i’m only fifteen years old but i know i want this song to play at my wedding. it is so quietly romantic and perfectly sure of its own goals. it does not seek to accomplish any other goal than being a love song. i started thinking about the lyrics while writing this and now i have to go cry in a corner. (shoutout to cornelia street for nearly being on this list)

folklore: - mirrorball: right on holy ground’s heels for the dubious honour of being my favourite ever taylor swift song, mirrorball describes my Whole Life so unfortunately i’m considering suing miss swift herself. i just think that it speaks to me in ways that would require a whole essay to explain.... let’s just not - august: here’s your mandatory hopeless romantic pining song. did i mention i nearly cried to this on the day of release? i think that she Gets It. i don’t know taylor and i don’t entertain delusions of her knowing me but man she really just plucked the core of my whole love life and said “here’s a song about it, will you shut up now?” back when we were still changing for the better... i need a minute - betty: definitely influenced by the stellar performance at the acms! or maybe i just love listening to taylor openly singing about girls.... i just have a lot of feelings about the emotional resonance about the grand romantic gesture this song builds up to! the key change! the storytelling! kissing on the porch in front of all your stupid friends! this is what taylor swift is all about (shoutout to illicit affairs, my tears ricochet, and this is me trying for nearly being on this list)

[teruthecreator]

smile for me characters put with the tma entities i think fit their character the most (even tho i’ve never listened to a second of tma and got all of my current knowledge from my girlfriend, who also got me into sfm)

I’m mostly gonna be focusing on the adults and important charas because the idea of labeling any child as The Slaughter or The End feels vastly Yikes to me

also spoiler warning for tma (if i manage to include any) and just a general trigger warning for talk about all sorts of fears (fear of the dark, spiders, body horror, etc.) if tma-talk has ever made you feel uncomfortable (as it has me, and is completely valid) then just breeze on past this post, folks. 

dr. habit: The Spiral FOR SURE!!!!! i know with all the teeth-pulling and body horror-type stuff he’d be more fitting for the flesh but just Think About It. the way he acts?? the way he depicts himself in the art all across the Habitat?? how he is specifically pumping gas into the air that like alters your mind and blurs your vision?? the psa’s?? i know he never talks about doors, but it just feels very michael spiral to me!!! or is it called the distortion??? idk but he’s spiralin! (also i’d say his proportions already feel spiral-esque so you might as well lean into the madness babey!!) 

kamal: THE LONELYYYYYY. this guy SAD. he literally sits in a locked rooftop balcony space for like 75% of the game. and the first sprite you see of him is just him curled up on the bench. that’s lonely vibes right there, no doubt! also, i’ve seen people draw like, concepts for his collage head (since you can’t get him in the collage ending) and they’ve drawn it as a cloud. clouds??? all that fog, vape-juice in the lonely??? it fits!! 

flower kid: honestly, because their character is left so purposely-blank, it’s kinda hard to say. but for most like, ambiguous main charas i’d say their vibe leans closest to The Eye. not because flower kid in any way seems to have a desire to know all, but as the vessel for the player there is a sort of push to know everything. also, flower kid just ends up getting everyone’s traumatic backstories/personal problems anyway?? which if they were aligned with the eye, that’s like...what it’s all about! 

wallus: The Stranger. i can’t really justify this one other than he just stays in the wall the entire time without ever bothering to know who’s speaking to him through the hole, and idk that feels...stranger to me. i just realized how hard this list is going to be. 

parsley: The Flesh. idk i just think about, like, the meat aspect of it??? and the fact that parsley never gets a real meal and will eat just about anything??? that’s all i can say

trencil: The Vast is, like, the closest i feel like i can get to “the fear that your daughter doesn’t love you and will never love you because you’re a centuries-old vampire and she’s a 13-year-old girl”. like the sort of insignificance to that is vast-like 

jimothan: The Hunt. i think about jimothan becoming a big dog and i think “yes, this feels right”. this is my only explanation. 

tiff: The Web. i’m saying this because her quest seems entirely based around getting herself out of manipulation (not that a contract is manipulating, it’s just the closest connection i can make with my brain running at low-battery), and also because i think the spider aesthetic would like Hella Nice with her style and sprite. i would like one cool singing spider lady, please! 

borbra: The Buried. maybe this isn’t a grouping of her, more-so of her bird that literally burrows into the ground the second you get near it and was the bane of my existence for over twenty-five minutes when i played through the game myself. that irritating need to claw my skin off when i was trying to catch that bird is the exact feeling i’d have if i was trapped in a small space, and i’m saying borbra did that to me. 

lulia: The Lonely, of course! without a doubt! look at how sad her sprite is! and how often she bemoans being alone! need i say more! this is correct! yes! it is! 

jerafina: The Vast??? maybe??? she seems like she’s too busy being out for a good time to be worried about her place on the planet, but idk i feel like she’s hiding something under that carefree facade and my gut is saying It’s This

questionette: The Spiral. i do not understand her and i don’t think she wants me to. you get it, spiral lady. 

marv: The Dark. water can get deep and dark, and he seems to not mind that one bit! also you need to get the security cam to be dark in order to get his fish, which feels pretty much like an admittance to this entity! 

mirphy: The Eye, only because i feel like as a photographer she’s gonna see All anyway, so might as well give the entity some extra knowing-snacks, yknow??? 

dallas: The Vast. his mid-game struggle with trying to find a muse and find someone who would enjoy his work sounds like an attempt to try and ground himself in reality, and that dissociation goes right to The Vast, my guy!!! yell heah!!

randy: The Corruption only because i feel like the pickle-scent gives me the same visceral reaction that i would if a bug was crawling on my skin, and he definitely doesn’t mind that at all if he doesn’t mind be permanently soaked in pickle juice. you do you, my man, but that’s why you’re gettin corrupted

gillis: i wanna sort of play off his toughness and say the slaughter, but it doesn’t feel right for the wholeness of his character, so i’m gonna go with The Dark. this one i can’t articulate why, but it just feels better than the slaughter so i’m going to go with it. 

this was very hard given i have only about a month and a half’s worth of knowledge of either of these franchises, and i’ve been staring at the tma entity wiki for the past 45 minutes. so please smash like, hit subscribe, comment with your favs, and i’ll see y’all next week 

[bigskydreaming]

I'm having a worse than usual day, so my go to moodlift method is making up headcanons for Dick that don't involve superheroing. You know, the romantic hero, the 'most eligible bachelor' aspect.. gets the focus. Because hey plenty of us had a crush on him growing up. Just for fun, I wanna ask you, do you think he's a slow burn romance kinda guy or intense fiery passionate romance from the get go kinda guy? One more, the age old question, is HE an ass guy or a tiddy guy? Imo he's a thigh guy..

Sorry you’re having a crap day, and uh, hope this didn’t end up not fun, I got lost in the headcanoning and character analysis and zigged and zagged per usual, so……I do not trust my ability to tell, overall. LMAO. But good question, made me think!

I think it depends on the person. I feel like Dick is capable of both, that sometimes feelings just creep up on him for someone over time, but other times he’s just drawn to someone instantly. For me, Babs and Kory is the proof - the instant crush on Babs from day one is more of a Reboot introduction to their dynamic…..in various older continuities, she was more a rival at first. Even as he advocated for Bruce to help train her and not stop her from being Batgirl at sometimes, he still very much was competitive with her, that sort of thing. You could argue it was the schoolboy kinda crush, that idea of a boy pulling the pigtails of a girl he likes because he doesn’t know how to admit he likes her or even realizes himself that he does. But personally, I find that explanation doesn’t really fit Dick, as its more fitting to someone who lacked his early maturity.

The thing is, a lot of people tend to focus on some of Dick’s more immature behaviors and actions, as a grown man and back when he was Robin with the puns and seeming innocence, and just see it as innocence and immaturity…..but I’ve always seen it as a coping mechanism. Dick grew up fast at a very early age, as much as Bruce himself did - they just coped with it in very different ways. People emphasize that Bruce took him in partly to keep Dick from turning out like he did, but they often forget at the same time that Bruce also took Dick in because he empathized with him, saw himself and his own tragedy reflected in Dick’s. Life-altering events had already happened to Dick before he ever set foot in Wayne Manor…..and Dick was altered. He was painfully aware of how cruel life could be, how serious things were, before Bruce ever actually had any ability to halt that realization from ever touching Dick.

The difference between Bruce and Dick and how they turned out, is that with Bruce’s support in those early years, Dick willfully clung to as much of his childhood as was left to him, even if at times it was the ‘fake it until you make it’ mentality. Many of his more immature behaviors are IMO a spiteful defiance of life’s attempt to make him grow up before he should have had to….and Bruce encouraged these things, IMO. He gave Dick the support and shelter, the buffer that allowed Dick to act immature even in the face of gravely serious and dark issues, because quite frankly, Dick cracking puns even while they were face to face with a life-threatening danger is probably a healthier coping mechanism than any Bruce had at the same age, at least in Bruce’s eyes if nothing else. 

But my point is, Dick’s youthful optimism and cheeriness even in the darkest parts of growing up Robin in Gotham City….none of that existed because Dick was truly childish and immature as befitted his actual age, thanks to Bruce taking him in and guiding him to turn out better than he did or whatever that line of thought might look like…..rather, it existed because Dick made the willful and deliberate choice to act as much the child as he could for as long as he could…..and I think that in the early years when things were really good between them and they were largely on the same page, Bruce recognized this choice for what it was, this defiance to the cards life had dealt Dick, and he encouraged and defended Dick’s ability to make this choice and act this way.

But you can’t see the kind of things all the Robins saw and actually be as immature and goofy as Dick acted as Robin, untouched by all of that. Dick was right there in the thick of it all along. How can you avoid being touched by Gotham’s darkness, seeing Gotham’s darkness, when you’re punching it right in the face, you know? You can’t. But what you can do, if you choose to, and which is what Dick chose to do….is not give it the satisfaction of knowing it touched you. The real testament of how mature Dick was or not as a young crime-fighting Robin, how aware he was or not of the grim realities of life, was not in how he acted when face to face with villains and criminals, but rather, how he acted when face to face with their victims. THAT’S where the reality of Dick’s maturity shined through, even LONG before he met Barbara in any canon.

Which is how this tangent brings us back to topic, lol….a schoolboy crush being the explanation for some of Dick’s earlier pettiness with Barbara and their rivalry at times, like, just doesn’t track with Dick’s actual maturity, IMO. The actual more likely explanation as I see it is that Dick did genuinely clash with her at times, in the very early years, that his initial attitudes were a confused mish-mash of feeling threatened by her and her possibly getting between him and Bruce, the partnership that was in all but name his unique form of father-son bonding time….but also at the same time still being Dick Grayson and feeling compelled to do the right thing and respect and thus defend her being given the same chance and training he’d been given, to do what they both felt needed doing, that they were driven to do.

So I don’t think he and Babs were instant friends, and I don’t think she was his instant crush….I think it was slowburn with her, he gradually grew to develop feelings for her over time, as his respect for her mind and capabilities grew to outweigh whatever conflicting emotions he felt about her being around, and then eventually blossomed into actual love.

Then in contrast, you have Kory. And I think Dick was instantly attracted to her from the get-go, and their relationship was the very epitome of intense passionate romance and all the ups and downs that go along with it, as befits too of the most primal and passionate people in the DC universe. Dick was drawn to her pretty much from day one, and Kory was as well, and it wasn’t an opposites attract thing so much as two beings resonating on the same wavelength, even if at times from different parts of the same spectrum. 

Because here’s the thing about Dick that I think links the two kinds of relationships and makes them both fitting for him…..he is very much a creature of instincts. He goes with his gut, he responds to things on an automatic and visceral level. But at the same time, the other truth about Dick is that his mind is no less exceptional than anyone else’s in the Batfamily, and his instincts are guided by a hell of a lot more intellect and processing power than most peoples’ are. He’s been trained from the time he could walk, even long before he met Bruce, to have exceptional situational awareness, to adapt to changes in his environment and predicaments with a moment’s notice, to take in every possible relevant detail at a glance when the stakes are literally those of leaping off a high trapeze. Dick trusts his instincts, because Dick’s instincts are exceptional, and with reason.

And this applies to every part of his life, not just the superhero parts. So when Dick feels drawn to someone like Kory, I think he trusts his gut and goes with it….he might not necessarily even know yet on a conscious level why he’s attracted to them and they’re someone he could really fall for and have a relationship with, he just knows that he does feel that way, and trusts that its for a reason. And then at the same time, with someone like Barbara, he likely had those same instincts about her, leading to the times he defends her to Bruce even though he might have clashed with her just minutes before, but he knows there’s a reason for him to do that, act that way, even if it takes much longer for that to transition from a mere possibility of actual compatibility to conscious feelings of actual attraction and love. 

Its all instinct to him either way….but the person he’s instinctively reacting to has the definitive role in whether or not its slowburn or instant passionate attraction….because the other deep truth about him that I feel is relevant here is that Dick feeds off other people, their energy, what they show him and give him to work with….and his instinct is usually to meet them in kind, give the same energy back, unless say, he makes the conscious decision to override his instincts and power through an antagonistic reception and try and forge a positive bond, like with building his sibling dynamic and mentorship of Damian.

But in regards to his romances, as I said, I think the same instincts might be in play with both Barbara and Kory, but it played out very differently because Babs wasn’t initially drawn to him, not in that way at least. She wasn’t putting forth a romantic energy, and so it took awhile for Dick’s own romantic feelings to emerge and for them to finally be reciprocated in time. In contrast, it was hot and fiery from day one with Kory, because Kory was drawn to him from day one as much as Dick was to her, so there was nothing to slow down or stop those instincts from transforming into attraction and romantic feelings from the second he felt them.

As to the rest of your ask, lololol, sorry to be a cop out, but I don’t think there is a specific physical draw for Dick. I’ve always headcanoned him as bi, which is a bit of projection on my part, sure, but also I just genuinely don’t think gender or even physicality at all has anything to do with what draws to a person, or makes him attracted to them. Yeah, sure, I think he absolutely has physical attributes he loves and might put forth as their best attribute for any partner he’s with, but I think its different with each person because Dick is all about individuality….not just with himself and his own independence, but just….people aren’t interchangeable for him. At any level, I think. 

Every person who’s important to him is uniquely distinct in his mind, and I think with his romantic partners, this results in him liking something distinct about them physically, that separates them in his mind from any other partners he’s had. Because I don’t think its physical appearance that’s Dick’s primary source of attraction with his partners….he’s attracted to them first, and then he settles on something physical that’s uniquely attractive to him as well, that’s different in his mind from anyone else.

Because I think the thing that draws Dick to people in all forms of his relationships, but is particularly true and evident in his romantic partners…..is Dick is both drawn and attracted to competence, skill, power, intellect….all the things that make someone hardy. Durable. A survivor in the context of the world of superheroics that he lives in, specifically.

He’s drawn to people he feels he’s less likely to lose. And he’s attracted to people that this is equally true of, and even moreso, to the degree where he doesn’t feel any need to protect them….not because he doesn’t want to, but because it isn’t relevant. He feels and trusts that they’re more than capable of protecting themselves just as well if not better than he ever could.

And he knows better than anyone that nothing’s a guarantee, and even as he surrounds himself with family and friends and romantic partners that all have in common the fact that they’re incredibly skilled, capable and powerful…enduring…..he still knows that doesn’t mean he can’t lose them, that he won’t lose them. And thus IMO they all wind up in distinct categories in his mind.

His family, he’d kill for. His friends, he’d die for. And his romantic partners, the thing that makes him attracted to them, rather than just drawn to them, are those that he has no doubt would kick his ass for ever presuming to do either of those things for them, because they’re more than capable of taking care of themselves, thanks ever so much. He’s attracted to people he feels safe around, in the sense that he’s not always on guard, always worried about losing them, because he trusts in their ability to endure, survive, and thrive. And that he also can relax around, in the sense that he’s not always feeling like its on him to protect them, defend them, that he has to be always to be on guard or watching out for…because its not his job to protect them and it doesn’t have to be, because there’s nothing he can do for them that they can’t do for themselves and wouldn’t prefer to be left to them. And thus with them he can just…be.

Dick Grayson IMO is attracted to one type of person and one type only: his equals in body, mind and spirit. The ones he can stand beside and not feel dwarfed by or lost in their shadow, and at the same time never have to look back to make sure they’re following him because he knows they’re right there next to him keeping up. He’s attracted to those who challenge him, intellectually, emotionally, that he respects on every level, but who respect him on every level too…..with this part being especially key, and the problem he’s had in his canon relationships - they ONLY fall apart on his end of things, make him lose faith in the relationship, when he feels disrespected, that they’re not valuing him or his capabilities or contributions. 

Dick KNOWS his own worth, which is why he’s such a unique blend of confidence and insecurity….he can weather a whole society of people looking down on him because he knows their opinion doesn’t mean shit to him, but still be stricken with insecurity when he feels someone whose opinion he DOES value, like a romantic partner, family or friend, seems to question his worth or what he’s capable of. 

Dick and Kory are my preferred canon relationship because when they’re ALLOWED to work without editorial mandate to break them up or keep them apart, they embody this most fully for me. Because Kory is massively more powerful than Dick, but never regarded Dick as anything other than her equal in the field in spite of that. There was no question that they both regarded each other as fellow warrior spirits that they trusted to have their back in battle above all others. Kory and Dick work so well for me, because with everything else I said kept in mind, they SHOULDN’T work, not as total equals, and yet they DO. There SHOULD be a power imbalance there, and yet there never was. Not one that was felt, anyway, and not one that was ever in any way responsible for any of their romantic problems. Their issues were disagreements born of competing ideologies….but that both felt equally strongly about. Or issues of trust but only that were externally imposed by brainwashing and shapeshifting and bad shitty writing and editorial mandate that I’ll be ranting about on my deathbed. 

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyway, enough rhapsodizing about Dick and Kory, lol, like that’s anything new. I mean, I could insert rhapsodizing about the potential for Dick and Kyle based on all of the above and other reasons, but that’s nothing new either. And also, whoops, this got super fucking long.

OH UNKNOWABLE UNIVERSE, WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN SUCH A THING.

[wastingstarlight]

but i'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

pairing: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier rating: E word count: 3.9k tags: Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Masturbation, Pining read on ao3

It’s an accident, Eddie swears.

He clicks a link Mike sent him to download his stats textbook and all of a sudden his screen is covered in popups.

He makes a strangled noise and frantically tries to click away, but only succeeds in clicking one of the tabs open. Thank fuck Stan is studying in the library because all of a sudden his laptop starts autoplaying, at full volume, a very explicit home video.

Eddie means to click away. He really does. But his eyes catch on the the man’s sharp hipbones, the angled planes of his stomach, the way his fingers—long and elegant, like a pianist’s—curl around his dick and Jesus, okay, it’s like his computer custom picked this video just for him because all of the blood in Eddie’s body is going straight to his dick.

Stats homework forgotten, he shifts his laptop to the side so he can palm at his dick through his sweatpants, eyes never leaving the man on the screen.

The guy’s face is out of frame, the camera trained below the waist. His dick is big; not the biggest Eddie has seen, but pretty damn close. And as if that wasn’t enough to get Eddie the rest of the way revved up, the man shifts back and for a heartbeat, Eddie catches a glance of the bright blue dildo the guy is riding on.

Fuuuuuuuck.

Eddie shoves his hand down his pants and starts jerking himself off in earnest, matching his strokes to the way the man grinds down onto the dildo.

He tries to hold out for Video Guy, but on one stroke the guy moans so prettily and that’s it, that’s all it takes—Eddie tumbles over the edge with a stifled gasp.

It turns out the man doesn’t take too much longer to finish and Eddie watches him cry out as come pulses onto his stomach.

Eddie is about to click away from the video when the guy leans forward to turn the camera off. Eddie doesn’t see his face or anything like that, but the camera shifts just a bit to the left and Eddie sees—

He pauses the video.

He rewinds.

He pauses it again.

On the wall behind the guy’s bed, there are two things—one, a poster of a pair of hockey players in Bruins jerseys sporting the numbers 63 and 37, and two, a purple and white Torrance University men’s hockey pennant.

Eddie’s stomach makes a sickening lurch. Because he’s seen those hands.

Because those hands belong to Richie Tozier—loudmouthed first-line center of the Torrance University men’s hockey team, all-around sarcastic asshole, and the guy Eddie’s had a crush on for the past three years.

And Eddie has to see him in class tomorrow.

///

“Eds! What’s happening, my dude?”

Richie slings an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and Eddie just about melts into the floor. Instead of doing something embarrassing, like leaning into Richie, Eddie shoves his arm away.

“Gross, keep your germs to yourself. Don’t you know it’s flu season? Have you even been vaccinated? You’re basically like a walking talking petri dish of disease right now,” Eddie says. He stalks towards a seat near the front of the class and sets down his bag before sliding into the seat.

Richie collapses into the chair right next to him and gets a look on his face before he licks his palm showily. Eddie is brought viscerally back to the way those fingers curled into a bedsheet.

“I don’t taste like a petri dish,” Richie says contemplatively. He reaches forward as if to bring his hand to Eddie’s mouth. “Here, wanna try?”

“No fuck you asshole,” Eddie hisses, smacking his hand away.

Richie laughs, eyelids crinkling at the corners. More students have started to file in and a few give them odd looks but for once, Eddie can’t bring himself to be bothered.

///

Eddie has known Mike since before they were born, technically—their moms attended the same prenatal class back in Derry. After Mike’s parents died, Eddie’s place had become just as much a home for him as his grandfather’s house.

Mike is the brother Eddie never had—the calm to Eddie’s storm, the voice of reason to Eddie’s panic. Eddie talks to Mike about everything.

Eddie does not talk to Mike about this.

It’s bad enough that Mike knows about Eddie’s frankly embarrassing crush on the most popular jock at Torrance. The last thing Mike needs to know about is the fact that that jock—who also happens to be Mike’s teammate, his linemate—is getting himself off on the internet.

So Eddie lets it stew for a few days.

Then he gets horny again.

And he knows Richie’s username now…

This time, Eddie comes with three fingers in his ass and Richie’s breathy gasps in his ears.

This is going to be a problem.

///

The thing is. The thing is.

What Richie’s doing could get him in trouble. Like, serious trouble, from the school and shit. So Eddie’s stuck—he could stay quiet and let Richie keep risking being caught or tell Richie what he’d seen and try to convince him into stopping.

When and where did his life go so wrong that Richie fucking Tozier’s sex life is now his problem?

///

Torrance hosts UMass for their first game of the season and Stan drags Eddie to the rink to watch.

For being a math major, and a diminutive one at that, Eddie knows a lot about hockey, all thanks to growing up with Mike. Way more than Stan, so it had been odd that Stan had been the one dragging him here, but Eddie can read Stan like an open book and the way he bats his lashes at Torrance’s captain, Bill Denbrough, whenever he thinks no one’s looking is positively incriminating.

He’d make fun of Stan if it didn’t hit so close to home.

The teams are neck and neck through all three periods and despite himself, Eddie is on the edge of his seat.

When Richie scores the game-winning goal with less than thirty seconds left in regulation, Eddie is the first on his feet to cheer.

///

The decision is made for him on Tuesday.

Stan is in class for the next three hours, so Eddie has the dorm room to himself. He’s bored and done with his homework, so if he checks in on Richie’s site, well, sue him.

Eddie sees Richie has a livestream scheduled in half an hour.

Eddie can’t let Richie do a livestream in half an hour.

A recorded video is one thing, but a livestream? What if the camera moves the wrong way and catches Richie’s face in the shot? What if someone walks in while he’s filming? What if, what if, what if—there are too many what-ifs. Eddie is a good person, goddammit—he’s not letting Richie throw his life away.

Face burning, Eddie exes out of the tab, shoves his feet into his sneakers, and tugs on his windbreaker.

///

The men's hockey house looks different in the light of day. Quaint, almost, or as quaint as a glorified frat house can be.

Before Eddie can talk himself out of it, he knocks on the door. Someone shuffles around inside and Eddie shoves his hands in his jacket pockets while he waits—fall in Maine was settling in fast.

The door swings open and there’s Richie, wearing a ratty old band t-shirt over dark grey sweats that Eddie knows for a fact are featured in several of his videos. “Eduardo!” he beams. “To what do I owe the—”

“Trashmouth69,” Eddie blurts out.

Richie’s jaw goes slack, and Eddie has the distinct pleasure of watching all of the blood drain from Richie’s face.

“I…” Richie starts weakly.

“Shove it, Tozier,” Eddie says, pushing past Richie and into the house. It smells like stale beer and AXE body spray. From the quiet and the fact that Richie had a livestream planned, he assumes everyone else is in class.

The door closes and when Eddie turns to face Richie again, he still looks a bit pale but he’s recovering fast.

“How did you—?” Richie starts.

Eddie interjects again because that’s not a route he wants to go down. “What do you think you’re doing?” he starts, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “If I found it, do you think scouts won’t? What if the school hears about it? Do you think they’d let you keep your scholarship if they found out you were filming pornography on school property? There are like, literal rules about that, okay? Jesus Christ, Richie.”

“Okay,” Richie mumbles like he hadn’t even thought of the possibility, because of course, he hadn’t. Richie is many things—quick-witted, infuriatingly pretty, good at hockey—but he is not good at thinking things through.

Richie tugs at the hem of his shirt and looks at Eddie with big stupid doe eyes, made larger by those comical glasses. He looks so genuinely remorseful. Eddie hates him.

“If you needed someone to get off in front of you could have asked,” Eddie says, tightening his arms around his chest.

“I— What?” Richie asks faintly. He looks like he’s gotten the wind knocked out of him.

“If—fuck, man, it’d be safer than posting shit on the internet okay? So…if you need someone to watch you get off…” Eddie says. This is a bad idea. This is such a bad idea.

Eddie watches Richie’s throat constrict as he swallows.

“I…Are you fucking with me?” Richie asks suspiciously.

“Yeah, right; I offer to watch all my friends jack off,” Eddie rolls his eyes as Richie starts to scowl. “No, asshole—I’m not fucking with you.”

Richie catches his bottom lip between his teeth and nods once.

There’s a bit of awkward silence.

“Does that, uh. Does that offer start now?” Richie asks hesitantly.

Eddie blinks. He’s really doing this, huh?

“Only if you cancel your livestream,” Eddie says decisively. “And delete your account,” he adds after a pause.

Richie scrambles into action, a flurry of movement again. Eddie follows and is led up the stairs and into Richie’s room. It’s odd to see the entire thing and not just the snatches of the bedspread.

Richie has his laptop open and seems to be busy doing what Eddie told him to, so Eddie takes the time to glance around a bit.

The Bruins poster and Torrance men’s hockey pennant are still on the wall above Richie’s bed. His side of the room is about as messy as Eddie expected it would be: laundry is vaguely piled in the vicinity of a hamper; his desk is covered in stacks of paper; clean clothes appear to have been folded, but never put away; a bag of hockey gear is shoved against the one free wall. There’s a bi pride flag in the pencil holder on Richie’s desk. The other side of the room looks just as cluttered, but it’s a more put together sort of chaos. Richie’s is just, well, chaos.

By the time Eddie returns his gaze to Richie, Richie is looking at him with those doe eyes again.

“How do you wanna…?” Richie asks and Eddie shrugs jerkily.

“Uh, you get in bed I guess and I can sit in the chair? I don’t fucking know, man; you’re the one jerking off,” Eddie says with a bark of a laugh that he knows sounds more shrill than anything else.

“No, yeah, that sounds good,” Richie says. He gets into bed and then just waits, watches carefully as Eddie takes off his windbreaker and folds it over the back of the chair before taking a seat in it.

“Well?” Eddie says. “What are you waiting for, Trashmouth?”

“You’re sure about this?” Richie asks again.

“Yes, Jesus Christ, just fucking start already oh my God,” Eddie says, but there’s a little piece of him that’s thrilled by the way Richie had asked for consent at every step of the way.

“Okay, okay,” Richie mumbles. He takes a breath before tugging his shirt off over his head and Eddie is treated to a closeup view of Richie’s hockey-defined abs. Eddie kind of really wants to lick them.

Richie’s hands drop to his sweats and he hesitates before tugging them down and kicking them off. Richie isn’t wearing any underwear because of course he isn’t and for the first time, Eddie comes face to face with Richie’s dick. It’s just as massive in real life as it is on a computer screen and Eddie’s mouth waters.

There’s a click as Richie dribbles lube from God knows where into his hand and then just like that he’s jerking off. There are a few experimental strokes to get himself warmed up and then he glances at Eddie and the gasp he makes cuts through the heavy silence and goes straight to Eddie’s dick.

Eddie fights to keep his face impassive even as his dick throbs.

If he’d thought watching Richie jerk off on screen was difficult, watching him jerk off in real life without being able to touch himself or Richie is pure fucking torture.

Eddie manages to make it through the whole thing without coming in his pants—which he’s honestly very proud of, thank you very much (though he had come close when Richie had fondled his balls near the end and had punched out a whine that made him sound like he was dying).

It’s not as awkward as Eddie had thought it would be, after, mostly because Richie doesn’t let it be.

Eddie makes it back to his dorm room with just enough time to get himself off furiously before Stan makes it back from class.

///

It becomes a thing.

Richie jerks off.

Eddie watches.

Eddie goes home and jerks off, and pictures Richie’s hand on his dick instead of his own.

Rinse and repeat.

Eddie is thriving. Really.

///

“You’re being weird,” Mike says before taking a massive bite of his meatball sub.

“I’m not being weird. You’re being weird,” Eddie frowns. He pokes his pasta around his tray with his fork.

Mike rolls his eyes. “Dude, I’ve known you for twenty years and I’ve never seen you this picky about Italian food.”

Eddie scowls at his fettuccine alfredo.

They’re both quiet for a few moments as they eat, but it’s a familiar sort of silence.

“Have you ever, like…done the whole friends with benefits thing?” Eddie asks finally.

Mike blinks slowly. He finishes chewing before speaking. “No,” he says finally. “Why, are you finally over your Tozier-shaped crush?” He pauses and then his eyes go wide and he grins. “Are you gonna ask Tozier to be your fuck buddy?”

“What—no! Gross!” Eddie sputters and Mike just laughs, that bastard.

“Cause he’d probably say yes, you know,” Mike says slyly.

Eddie feels his cheeks heat up. “That’s not funny,” he mumbles.

“I’m not kidding,” Mike counters, nudging Eddie’s foot gently beneath the table. “He talks about you all the time, dude.”

“He—what?” Eddie blinks.

“All our conversations lately have either been about practice or you. When did you guys start spending so much time together anyway?”

“We have a class together,” Eddie says faintly. Richie talks about him?

“Right,” Mike replies. He shrugs. “Anyway. Don’t break his heart or whatever. We’re playing Minnesota this weekend.”

“I’m not gonna break his heart, ‘cause I’m not gonna ask Richie Tozier to be my fuck buddy,” Eddie hisses.

Mike smiles and takes another bite of his sub.

///

After his conversation with Mike, Eddie starts noticing things he hadn’t before.

Sometimes, after he jerks off, Richie asks Eddie to stick around for a while. To do homework, play video games, whatever. At first, it had been frustrating because that meant he had to leave his own dick unattended to, but Richie beams at him with those big stupid blue eyes and Eddie is helpless.

He doesn’t know how it happened, but somehow he’s started spending more time with Richie than with Stan or even Mike.

For as much as he acts like a fuckboy, being around Richie is so easy. His jokes are lewd at best and downright offensive at worst, but he picks up on what makes Eddie smile through his shrieks of disgust and narrows in on them. And he’s funny—like, actually, genuinely funny.

Eddie doesn’t know what to do with that information.

He goes to more hockey games in the next month than he has all last year, and he tells himself it’s because the team is actually good this year and because he’s there to support Mike, but he knows it’s not true.

When Richie roars in celebration after netting a slick bardown through the BU goalie and Eddie feels butterflies in his stomach, Eddie knows.

Something's gotta give.

///

The party is loud and boisterous, already spilling out into the street. Stan is stuck like glue to Eddie’s side. He was the only reason Eddie was out in the first place—Eddie had been on the fence about going out tonight, but then Stan said he was in and, well, that only happened once in a blue moon, so here they were.

Eddie pushes the way through the crowd and makes his way to the kitchen where he snags them a couple of beers.

“Eddie Spaghetti!” a voice booms and goddamn, did Richie have a tracker on him?

“Hey, Rich,” Eddie says, turning to face him. He’s greeted by an arm slung around his shoulder and a wet, smacking kiss on his cheek.

“Gross,” Eddie says, scrunching his nose, scrubbing at his cheek, and wiggling away.

“Stan the man,” Richie grins, turning his attention to Stan instead. Stan fixes him with such a scowl that Richie doesn’t even try to come close. Richie shrugs and nudges Eddie. “Bro, I need a beer pong partner and you’re the best there is. I’ll pay you in alcohol.”

It’s true; Eddie is the best there is at beer pong. Well, maybe after Bev. Richie, though, is hopelessly bad.

“Liquor, not beer,” Eddie says finally. “And the good shit, too—not whatever you heathens think passes for vodka.”

“Nothing but the best for you, sweetheart,” Richie drawls.

Eddie’s stomach swoops pleasantly at the pet name and, with Stan in tow, follows Richie deeper into the hockey house.

///

They win.

They win, and Richie picks Eddie up and spins him, squeezing him tight before settling him down.

“You’re a fuckin’ beaut, Eds,” Richie says, beaming down at him. Richie’s breath smells like cheap beer and for a heartbeat, Eddie thinks Richie is going to lean down and kiss him.

Someone grabs Richie’s shoulder and tugs him away, and the moment is gone, but Eddie is left with his heart pounding in his throat.

///

It’s too much. It’s all too much, and Eddie is at the end of his rope. It had been a bad idea from the beginning, and now he’s losing sleep over it because whenever he tries to close his eyes, all he can think about are the little noises Richie makes when he twists his hand just so.

So the next time Richie texts him, Eddie goes so far as to show up at his door before blurting out: “I can’t do this anymore.”

Richie has the good grace to look dumbfounded. “I—”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie interjects, blood rushing to his cheeks. He takes a step back. “I have to go. I’m sorry.” He turns on his heel and flees.

///

9:52 PM Richie: is everything okay? Richie: eds? Richie: fuck, man, tell me what’s wrong so i can fix it Richie: please let me know that you’re okay

1:31 AM Richie: i’m sorry

///

Mike corners him in the library about a week after The Incident. “Remember how I told you not to break Tozier’s heart?” he says.

Eddie narrows his eyes. “I told you, I—”

“Eddie. C’mon. I’m not messing around. I don’t know what happened and you clearly don’t want to tell me and that’s fine, but he missed an actual empty net today at practice. An empty net.”

Eddie shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

Mike sighs. “I know Richie isn’t your problem, but he’s kind of mine, and if there’s anything you could say just to…give him closure maybe? I don’t know, but just…think about it, okay?”

Eddie is quiet for a moment before he slumps. “Okay.”

///

Eddie takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before knocking on the door.

“It’s open!” a voice calls and Eddie tests the handle, turns it, and lets himself in. Bill is sprawled out on the couch in the living room and he gives Eddie a quick smile.

“Richie’s in his room,” he says knowingly and Eddie feels heat creep up his cheeks.

“Um. Thanks,” Eddie says before fleeing.

Eddie steels himself again before knocking on Richie’s door. There’s no going back now.

Richie’s voice is muffled. “Bill I swear to fucking Christ I would rather rip my own balls off than play Mario Kart with you right now.”

“It’s Eddie,” Eddie says with a wince.

It’s silent for a heartbeat and then there’s some scuffling and Richie is tugging open the door. His hair is even more of a mess than usual and he looks, well, soft in dark grey sweatpants and a Torrance men’s hockey shirt.

“Oh,” Richie says. He nudges his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Eddie replies. “Do you, um, have a minute?”

“Yes, sure, sorry let me just—“ Richie says, motioning for Eddie to come in before shoving some laundry into a hamper and kicking a pair of sneakers under the bed.

Eddie closes the door carefully behind himself.

“So, um,” Richie starts. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he breathes out like it’s all one word. “I shouldn’t have assumed that you were still okay with what we were doing and I should have checked in more often and if I’d known you weren’t having a good time I never would have—“

“Rich,” Eddie says, dropping his gaze to stare at his toes. “If I wasn’t having a good time, I would have stopped you. I was just, uh, more into it than I let on?” He clears his throat. This is happening. “I, um, was. Really into it. Watching. But it was hard after a while to just watch and not touch, so.” Eddie shrugs. “But. Yeah. I didn’t want to make things awkward. Which I’m totally doing right now anyway.”

God this is so embarrassing.

When Eddie finally glances up again, Richie’s eyes are dark. Eddie’s stomach flips.

“You wanted to touch?” Richie says quietly.

“Yeah, Jesus, Rich, you’re fucking hot, okay?” Eddie retorts, cheeks blazing.

“So you’re saying I could have been getting you off this whole time?”

Oh.

Oh.

“Oh,” Eddie breathes. He closes the distance between them, tangles a hand through Richie’s hair, and drags him down into a kiss.

It’s messy from the start and Richie licks into Eddie’s mouth desperately, drawing a whine from deep within Eddie’s chest. Richie’s hands run down Eddie’s sides then toy with the strip of skin just beneath the hem of his shirt.

Eddie breaks the kiss to gasp when Richie’s hands travel back to knead at his ass.

“Is this—” Eddie’s breath hitches as Richie presses a kiss beneath his ear. “Is this happening?”

Richie chuckles, breath hot on Eddie’s neck. “Do you want this to be happening?”

Eddie thinks about it—actually really stops to think about it. It doesn’t take too long.

“Yes.”

///

Eddie shows up to his lunch date with Mike the next day with two purpling hickeys on his neck and Mike doesn't even bother trying to hide his grin.

[cafedisco3]

BOY’S CRY

Before sharing his story with the world and becoming one of the most important artists of our time, Frank Ocean was a high school graduate in New Orleans scouring for jobs to pay for studio time to record his potential projects. In August 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc across the region, provoking Ocean’s move from New Orleans to Los Angeles, California. It was in California that Frank eventually found his opening into the music industry. Landing a songwriting deal, he began ghostwriting for many of the biggest artists we know today: Justin Bieber (“Bigger”, 2008) and Beyoncé (“I Miss You”, 2009). In 2009, he started working with Odd Future, specifically Tyler, the Creator - one of his best friends, who played a pivotal role in encouraging him to continue writing songs, but for himself. Through Odd Future, Frank was able to meet Producer, Tricky Stewart who eventually introduced him to an American Record Label: Def Jam Recordings. Though this deal was meant to serve as his platform for releasing music, out of frustration he released his first mixtape, nostalgia, ULTRA, for free download on Tumblr. Frank explained that he was frustrated with the label for not being supportive of his efforts after signing. Regardless of the heightened tension in Frank’s relationship with the label, this mixtape ignited the spark of his fame to follow. Frank’s pilot success with this mixtape allowed his standing to grow tremendously, eliciting feature requests from A-listers such as Jay-Z and Kanye West, but for the most part, Frank remained highly selective with his craft and unwaveringly loyal to Tyler and Odd Future. 

This origin story is only the tip of the elusive iceberg that is Frank Ocean. Since before the days of nostalgia, ULTRA, Frank has been selective with his public interactions. Once a ghostwriter for pop stars and then a secret weapon among Odd Future’s large roster, playing the background seemed to come naturally to him. However, the star within him proved too bright to contain. Still, since his rise in stature, rather than outwardly embracing the fame that was guaranteed, he chose instead to remain guarded with his art and protective of his image. Over time, this has allowed him to meticulously reveal himself on his own terms, using his art as a way to give insight into his identity. It was only when speculations about his sexuality began to circle through the hip-hop and pop community prior to the release of his debut studio album, channel ORANGE, that the once-guarded artist decided to become candid in a way he never previously attempted; on his Tumblr, through an open letter to his fans titled Thank You, Frank went on to reveal his bisexaulity:  

Credit: http://frankocean.tumblr.com/post/26473798723

I don’t think I’m exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this letter was a beautiful, poetic exemplification of love. In typical Frank fashion, it wasn’t an overt admission of anything, because there isn’t anything to admit. We are who we are, and according to Frank, that is “human beings spinning on blackness”. According to Frank we are a lot more alike than we are different, regardless of our race, cultures or sexual identity. He chose to focus on what makes us all similar as humans, and if he revealed or confirmed something about himself that wasn’t clear to you in the process, then so be it. His sexuality wasn’t the point of the letter. The letter was about empathy and love. The letter was about being human. In an era were child-suicide rates were increasingly linked to homophobia and transphobia, especially in black and latino communities, Frank used his story to humanize those who had been historically demonized. 

This letter birthed a chapter for Frank’s influence. When channel ORANGE arrived that following summer, these feelings of self-discovery through heartache and unrequited love reverberated all throughout the tracklist. The album itself was named after the summer detailed in his letter, the summer during which he first fell in love with another man. Frank dropping this album and his Thank You letter was powerful, valiant move. He cut through the lingering homophobia of the time and crafted a tale of perseverance and acceptance. This album allowed me, someone with completely different experiences, to appreciate his journey. He successfully detached himself from the increasingly materialistic world of the music industry and turned his art into statements that effectively captured the current state of the human condition.

There are two songs off of channel ORANGE that I believe are worth highlighting. The first is “Bad Religion”: 

Taxi driver Be my shrink for the hour Leave the meter running It's rush hour So take the streets if you wanna Just outrun the demons, could you He said "Allahu akbar", I told him don't curse me “Bo Bo, you need prayer,” I guess it couldn't hurt me If it brings me to my knees It's a bad religion This unrequited love To me it's nothing but a one-man cult And cyanide in my Styrofoam cup I can never make him love me Never make him love me Love It's a bad religion To be in love with someone Who could never love you I know Only bad religion Could have me feeling the way I do

This is a story of longing, of internal conflict and crippling self-doubt. With no one to turn to, Frank resigns to confessing his deepest, most closely guarded truths in the backseat of a taxi, and his thoughts betray the confidence that many of his fans may have prematurely branded him with. These confessional thoughts instead show him in his most fragile state, one in which he seems internalize years of homophobic rhetoric. The stigma that homosexaulity or sexual fluidity is a sin, is amoral, and requires prayer and absolution is so deeply ingrained in society that Frank doesn’t even flinch when the taxi driver basically tells him to pray away his desires. Instead, he chooses grasp onto the suggestion, wondering if maybe he should find a way to detach himself from the unrequited love that has brought him so much pain - whether through religion or drugs. This song is a heart-wrenching discussion of the internal struggle felt by Frank throughout the journey detailed in his letter. Frank’s lyrics expertly navigate self-hate and heartbreak, and his execution features a stunning vocal performance that evokes a deep, soulful pain that feels universally applicable to all humans. 

The second song of importance would be “Forrest Gump”: 

I wanna see your pom poms from the stands Come on, come on My fingertips, and my lips, they burn From the cigarettes Forrest Gump you run my mind boy Running on my mind boy Forrest Gump I know you Forrest I know you wouldn't hurt a beetle But you're so buff, and so strong I'm nervous Forrest Forrest Gump My fingertips, and my lips, they burn From the cigarettes Forrest Gump you run my mind boy Running on my mind boy Forrest Gump I saw ya game, Forrest I was screamin' run 44 But you kept runnin' past the end zone Oh where'd you go Forrest Forrest Gump

If “Bad Religion” - and “Thinkin’ Bout You” before it - were subtle allusions to his bisexuality, “Forrest Gump”, the penultimate track on channel ORANGE, would be the unabashed coming out party. In this song, Frank beautifully covers the timeless love story from the film, Forrest Gump, but through Jenny’s perspective - one that he clearly relates to on a visceral level. In the movie, Jenny and Forrest don’t end up together - but neither did Frank and his love at 19 years of age. In a very literal sense, Forrest Gump is used as a metaphor for a man running away from Frank - referring to the different paths taken by him and the man he fell in love - and this story is another example of unrequited love. But it’s uptempo nature and Frank’s equally light singing paints it in a much different light than “Bad Religion”. Here, there is no self-doubt and he seems to believe the experience of the fling was worth it. It’s the bright result of having grappeld with his emotions throughout the album’s more dark spots. This is essentially Frank fully submerging into his new lifestyle that he explains in his letter as being “a free man”. Similar to his letter, Frank is grateful for the man he fell in love with, regardless of the outcome. 

Despite this album being such a bold statement on his part, highlighting him as an artist that will stand the test of time, I’ve always felt as if its slow and melancholic vibes represent a shyer, younger Frank Ocean. Since releasing his letter and reinventing himself as a free man, the outward projection of his confidence has considerably escalated. Four years after channel ORANGE the fans were finally given a second and third album, simultaneously: Endless and Blonde. I personally cherished these albums, not expecting any new music for yet another few years, but just as I was getting used to the idea of no new Frank music, he released a single on his Beats 1 radio show, Blonded Radio: Chanel. Chanel was released in March 2017, and I can’t think of any way to describe the start of the song, besides epic:

My guy pretty like a girl And he got fight stories to tell I see both sides like Chanel

See on both sides like Chanel

 The Undefeated’s online music review of this song describes these first few lyrics in the following manner: “The boastful first few bars of Ocean’s new song might be the coldest, gayest, and most securely masculine flex in the history of rap. Elegant and mellow, the song’s lyrics read as a deliberate ode to duality and non-heteronormative binaries - an ambition, that since the death of Prince Rogers Nelson, is sorely missed in black music”. Whether I’ve convinced you or not, I truly believe Frank Ocean is an icon. He has made tremendous strides through his music and personal life and his consistently made choices that have positively influenced millions. As a visionary and genius, he’s stood out not only as a singer, but as a writer, a visual artist, and an activist. 

Credit: https://www.gq.com/story/frank-ocean-is-peerless

[montyprescottjoy]

Blood Orange

Para: Blood Orange

Who: Monty Prescott & Vitya Cristo @vityacristo

When: June 13th, 2020

Where: Vitya’s apartment 

What: Vitya gets under Monty’s skin and forces him to talk about Schuyler, both boys experience unusual feelings.

Triggers: Suicide, Drug use, Abuse 

MONTY

Monty was fuming after the fight with Schuyler. The redhead had managed to press all his buttons and wound him up so tightly he'd exploded, in public, spilling his emotions where everyone could see. Nothing had been able to numb the fear and pain coursing through him. He'd smoked half a packet of cigarettes, a bottle of Jack, and three joints, and yet he was still feeling the pain but now with a sore head. He was already out of E from the fights with Nikko and he couldn't get hold of his usual supplier. Monty needed a distraction, he needed a good fuck. He also needed someone he could be honest with, or at least someone he could be around without having to go through the exhaustion of putting up his walls with. Nikko and Sam were still in Tn, Danny was in Colorado... that only left Vitya. The younger man had about as many issues as Monty himself and was in no place to judge, he was also a great lay. Monty picked up his phone with a tremor in his hand and hit call. "Yo, Vit, ya busy or got time for a fuck?" He tried to sound seductive but the emotion was heavy in his voice.

VITYA

Vitya had been home a day or two, enjoying his privacy and quiet. Most of his time was spent relaxing, catching up on easy chores, like laundry. He was not a domestic person, but also did not feel well enough to go to a bar or club. The hospital had drained him. Still, when his phone began to ring, and he saw who was calling, curiosity getting the better of him. He answered, and a smile cracked onto his face. "Careful, you come around any more often, I may just need to give you your own key," he joked, holding the phone to his ear by shoulder to fold a shirt in his hand. "So, what brings you my way this time around? You fucked me, like yesterday. A great home-warming present, by the way."

MONTY

Monty couldn't help the small grin that Vitya's sarcastic greeting put on his face. It was easy being around him, things weren't complicated or messy, they were just themselves and that idea alone had Monty relaxing a little. "Don't be makin' ya'self too available, ya poor ass is gonna be so sore ya wont be able ta sit for a week." He chuckled, grabbing his phone, wallet and keys. Vitya hadn't told him to fuck off, in fact it basically sounded like an invitation to him so Monty headed out in the direction of Vitya's place. "For an invalid ya took my dick like a champ, gotta see if it's a fluke or if all them needles they've been stickin' in ya really worked." Mont lied easily, covering up his own need and the small flicker of concern for his friend? fuck buddy? After finding out just how much time he'd spent in the hospital.

VITYA

"Isn't that the whole point?" Vitya said back, starting to move all the clothes to his bedroom. Vitya could hear something off in Monty's voice. Something visceral was there. The words were Monty's normal, sarcastic self, but the tone felt too open. "Practice makes perfect- Also being a pillow princess is, like, easy. And we have done it enough times, you know it ain't a fluke." Vitya sat on his bed, leaning back on his hand. "Oh, when you get here, keep your clothes on. I'll handle that," Vitya said in his low, wispy tone, hoping that would convince the man on the other side that Vitya couldn't hear his different tone.

MONTY

"Mm ya wanna feel it the next day, I got ya, figured ya might wanna go easy on ya crippled ass but fine we can go hard, I know exactly how ya like it." Monty didn't even try to keep his voice down as he walked across campus, all he concentrated on was keeping his tone even and teasing. "As much fun as I have poundin' ya ass we gotta get ya back ta full strength so ya can ride me hard." He taunted, more of his mind slipping from his pain and concentrating on what was in store for him as it seemed he had Vitya fooled that everything was normal. "Pillow princess puttin' in some work today, sounds good ta me, want that mouth." Monty groaned quietly as he reached the door to Vitya's apartment.

VITYA

Vitya could hear the desperation growing in Monty's voice over the phone. On one hand, it was such a turn-on. Vitya loved this, being able to wind someone up, have them wrapped around his finger. But between talking to Anthony, and his latest stint with death, whatever empathy that was still buried in him was rearing it's pretty little head. "What, and have you sit and wait like a good little boy? You're too impatient for that." he teased again, keeping the conversation going. He heard Monty from the other side of the door as well as through the phone, Vitya walking over, opening it, and tugging Monty inside by the shirt collar. With a bite of his lip, he tossed the phone to the side and shoved Monty onto the couch. He took his hair, yanked it back, and with a look of complete seriousness on his face, Vitya stared Monty dead in the eye. "What happened?"

MONTY

"Come on now, ya know I can still fuck ya hard even when ya ride me, I ain't waitin', an' I definitely ain't a good boy, ya know that ya filthy boy." Monty taunted, keeping focused on the conversation and begining to feel very hot and flustered, Vitya knew exactly how to get him going and his cock responded to the words quickly as blood began to rush to his groin. "Impatient hm?" Monty grinned at the surprising strength in the lanky young man as he was caught off guard before he even had a chance to knock. A pained groan escaped Monty's lips as he was manhandled. "What the fuck do ya mean what happened, I should be the one askin' you. What the fuck are ya doin'?" He seethed, brow furrowing in confusion and fists clenching ready to attack.

VITYA

"I mean, why are you calling me, on the edge of a meltdown?" Vitya said back, releasing Monty's hair and standing up straight, crossing his arms. "I am going to fuck you, you're here so it's happening, but you are going to tell me why I could hear you holding back baby-tears. Like it or not, Monty, you aren't getting this-" he said, motioning to his body. "Until you tell me what happened. It was the redhead, wasn't it?"

MONTY

"Fuck you, asshole." Monty yelled. He hated this, hated when people could see through his defences, hated showing any signs of vunerabilty, any clue that he was human and could be hurt. "What if I don't fucking want ya, huh, ever think of that?" He growled, standing up and begining to pace the room. He could leave, he could run back to his hiding place in his own room, Vitya wasn't stopping him, but some how he couldn't bring his feet to move more than a few steps in each direction. "It's always the fuckin' redhead." He ground out.

VITYA

Vitya laughed under his breath. "That's a damn lie, you're still tenting," Vitya said, clearly as a joke and not an actual dig at Monty. He left the man pace, seeing the seething anger. He wasn't leaving, proving Vitya's idea right; this was going to be an angry, vicious fuck. He was fine with that, normally, but he was not exactly normal enough to take that. That, and Monty was somehow becoming... significant to Vitya. He wasn't sure why, but it was something. "Mind telling me what the history is? All I ever see is you, being a dick to him, him telling you off, and then his ball and chain holding him back." Vitya paused, licking his lips. "Is he an ex? Do you even have exes?"

MONTY

Monty moved forward in a flash, grabbing Vitya by the hips, pressing the length of their bodies together, and capturing his soft lips in a hard kiss. It was rough and deep and unrelenting; the only way he could expel some of his feelings."Yeah well ya ass get's me all worked up." Mont tried to tease but it came out flat so instead of sounding sexual he just sounded tired. Monty rubbed a hand over his face, vision blurring when he pressed the heal of his hand to his eyes. He wanted to throw himself into Vitya's body and forget everything, take his pain out on the boy, but somehow he didn't have the strength, he craved human touch, the warmth of another body to take away his pain completely not just forget for a few moments the way Schuy had for a short time back when they had been together. It felt wrong to want that again after all he'd done to destroy what he and Schuy had tried to build. But Vitya was the same as Monty; he was broken too not some untouchable thing like Schuy; he was real. "Ex. Singular."

VITYA

Vitya didn't fight it when Monty got close and kissed him. In fact, he was too shocked to react. They had kissed before, usually mid-fuck, clearly just to enhance whatever they were doing at the time, but this... This was different. When they broke apart, and Monty rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand, Vitya took his hands off and put them at his sides. "You'll go blind doing that," he mumbled, fixing the mess he had made of Monty's hair earlier when he grabbed it. Vitya nodded, laughing low in his chest. "Guessed that much. I take it the two of you ended things poorly, and now you see how good you had it and want it back." Vitya took a few steps away, sitting himself down on the couch to give Monty room to pace, breathe, talk, whatever he needed. "Can't say I don't relate. Not a day goes by that I don't miss home. I take it he was yours?"

MONTY

The kiss had loosened some of the tension in Monty enough so that he didn't flinch away when Vitya touched his hands. Mont stretched his neck out, almost like a cat being petted, as Vitya played with his hair; it felt soothing in a way he wasn't used to, a way he hadn't felt since Schuyler. "Dunno how much of that fight ya saw but yah, fuckin' shit. Caught me cheatin', he beat the guy with a fuckin' camera then went to fuckin' Israel." Monty replied flatly, scanning the room for alcohol if only to keep his eyes from Vitya, not understanding how or why he was spilling information he never expected to share with anyone. "Dunno about home man, ain't never had one of 'em before. Ya miss the Bratva, huh?"

VITYA

Vitya could see it; the starvation of touch, the blatant want of affection without saying it. Humans were social creatures, and Monty was no different. Monty was being open, so open it nearly weirded Vitya out. But this wasn’t like Benji, spilling every little detail worth telling. Monty only said what he wanted, when he wanted. Vitya pulled his legs up and under him, patting the spot next to him on the couch. This wasn’t the first time that, as a prostitute, a client needed to vent to him. But this was the first time Vitya... cared? Payed attention? Who knows. “I saw enough.” Vitya was not surprised that Monty was a cheater. The fact he admitted it was new, a spark of humility showing in Monty’s words. Vitya smiled to himself, looking down at the hand he had resting on his thigh. “Perhaps I do. Or maybe I simply miss my ponytail.” He joked. “So, if you know he is taken, and has refused you several times, why do you keep going after him? What about him is special to you?”

MONTY

Monty bit is lip, looking between Vitya and the open spot on the couch, he stood still for a long moment in silence before breathing out heavily and sitting down beside the younger man. It was strange to have someone that wasn't Nikko asking and listening and allowing him to share at his own pace. Even wanting to share was so foreign. Somehow he felt it easy to share. It was still painful and confusing but he didn't feel judged or humiliated. “Miss that ponytail, fuckin' badass ponytail man." Monty chuckled. “Can't fuckin' tell ya why man, never felt shit for anyone but ma brother Nikk, scared the shit outta me, but without it I'm fuckin' terrified, dunno what I'll be without ever havin' that shit again, I don't wanna find out, I ain't a good guy, I don't wanna be ma Pops."

VITYA

Vitya let Monty sit and talk at his own pace. Unlike his clients, he didn’t touch him on his back for fake comfort. When the revelation about his father came out, all made sense. Monty was a gang kid, and his dad was no better. Vitya looked him up and down, biting his lip. Yeah, they had a lot in common. “...I get that. A lot more than you know.” Vitya ran his fingers in Monty’s hair again, same way as before. “If you are that fearful that you’ll end up like him, best to look at where you are. So, example; I left the country, cut my hair, have sex for a living, and am-“ Vitya chuckles sadly. “I’m basically just waiting to die instead of fighting it. All to tell my dad to fuck off. I know I’ll never be like him because nothing can drag me back there... What do you do? Ignore other people, ignore your brother a moment; what does Montgomery do to not be his father?”

MONTY

A shiver ran through Monty and a soft moan escaped his throat with his permission as Vitya ran his hands through his hair. It felt so fucking good. He felt so touch starved, not realizing it until this moment and he had to clench his fists to stop himself reaching out and grabbing onto Vitya. “Wait in’ ta die, what the fuck?” Montys eyebrows shot up in surprise and confusion, his own problems pushed to the back of his mind, refusing to concentrate on anything else, ignoring Vitya’s question.

VITYA

Vitya kept his touch going, gently coaxing Monty into a more relaxed sate. He rolled his eyes at Monty's surprise at what he said. "What, did you think I was in the hospital for the fuck of it? It doesn't matter, this isn't about me. I'm fine, you aren't." Vitya moved so his legs were crossed. "I did what I could to get to where I am. I'm not happy, but I'm content. What about that redhead is keeping you from being content? Why aren't you letting go?"

MONTY

Monty glared at Vitya, eyebrows still raised, “Aye figured ya went too hard on the drugs an’ booze been there done that but the fuck ya dyin’ fuckin’ explain that shit!” He growled, refusing to let it drop, though not entirely sure why. Monty rubbed a hand over his face again, clearly Vitya was not going to drop this. “Al’ight, go with the ignorin’ ma brother thing Red is the only one who ever gave half a fuck about me. Pops ain’t just some street thug, he’s mob, he’s a fuckin’ Don, an’ he don’t give a shit who he hurts ta get more power. With Red I didn’t have ta be the son of the Don or hide.” Monty responded, apparently finding the hem of his shirt endlessly fascinating so as to not look at Vityas expression. Monty couldn’t believe he was sharing his deepest feelings and was sure he would be laughed at for his pathetic admission. Then again this was Vitya... a guy who never judged just like Schuy... but unlike Schuy this guy had experiences of his own... maybe he understood Monty in a way Schuy never could.

VITYA

"Yes, I am, it's a stupid heart condition. Ventricular tachycardia. Had it all my life, it will kill me, end of story." Vitya said in a snappy tone. Much like Monty's reaction to Vitya's inquiry into is emotions, this was Vitya's soft spot. This was his Schuyler, in some twisted way. Vitya got it a lot more than Monty knew. He nodded, shrugging in understanding before licking his lips. "Russia is anything but legit in it's government. The state controls everything. Kind of like a mafia. Say the wrong thing, you disappear." Vitya pet at Monty's hair, this time lower, toward his neck. "If he isn't willing to make you feel the way you want to, then maybe you should go looking somewhere else. Besides, love, romance, dating- It's shit. A messy load of shit, and if it makes you feel like this-" Vitya motioned to Monty. "-Then that just proves how much it isn't worth it."

MONTY

Monty furrowed his brow, “don’t know what that is but pretty fuckin’ sure it ain’t good an’ all the booze an’ drugs ain’t helpin’. Ya said ya waitin’ ta die but man it sounds more fuckin’ like ya tryin’ ta kill ya’self!” Monty yelled, surprised by the force in his own tone. Since when did he give a shit what other people did to themselves. “Sounds like my fucking family, at least my pa is the one that makes people disappear so I ain’t goin anywhere but fuck it might be better if I did. There ain’t words ta describe how much of a prick he is.” Monty groused but relaxed again under Vityas touch. It was reassuring and yet terrifying that he seemed to be able to control Monty’s emotions this way. Yet the feeling of giving up control is was almost welcomed; he didn’t have to fight to stay in control and it gave him room to breathe. He idly wondered how Vitya had gotten out of Russia but couldn’t bring himself to ask, that seemed too much like being interested or caring. It was bad enough he’d let himself slip and ask about his illness. “It’s all bullshit. Love an’ dating an’ all that. Just made me feel fuckin’ weak an’ just waitin’ to be punched in the gut when he walked away an’ then he did walk an’ I felt like dyin’. I fuckin’ hate how he made me feel man. Never want that shit again. Never!” He ground out with a hard expression, going back to repeatedly clenching and unclenching his fists to avoid lashing out.

VITYA

"They aren't, but I'm not going out with a whimper, either. Fearing it, trying to push it back, just prevents the inevitable. I want to be here for a good time, not a long time." Vitya shook his head, throwing a hand in the air as if to give up. "Maybe I am trying to kill myself, at least I am doing it on my own terms. And I'm not jumping off bridges or that dumb shit. I'm just having fun. Like, when you decked me, and cut me with your ring, I walked away because, finally, someone did it. It made that night fun, I felt alive. If I was worried about dying all the time, I never would have gone." Vitya nodded, laughing at their similarities. "My father runs the largest pharma and drug development company in Russia. I am untouchable, back home, thanks to him. I called myself the Prince of Poison in middle school. Edgy bullshit," he said with a laugh, his hand now tracing circle's in Monty's nape, twirling the hair around his fingers. His then placed his other hand on Monty's thigh, doing a similar circular pattern. "Then maybe it's time to move on. Because if he makes you feel like that, and you hate that, running after him is fucking stupid. He doesn't want you, and you don't like how he made you feel, so what's the point?"

MONTY

“Then why the fuck are ya at college then? Ya plan on dyin’ so why do ya want a degree huh?” Monty snapped back, “sounds like ya plannin’ a future.” He raised an eye brow in an accusatory fashion. “I’d still have beat the shit outta ya even if I knew then ya dying, nobody gets near Nikko and I ain’t apologizing for that.” Monty shrugged, he wasn’t ashamed of loving his brother and wanting to protect him. “Prince of poison.” Monty barked out a laugh shaking his head. “Thought you were hot shit, huh?” He rolled his eyes. “Spent my time yellin’ at anyone who called me Montgomery, eventually they learned an’ just called me Prescott. Fuckin’ teachers spent all their time yellin’ at me anyway doubt they cared what ma first name was. Two older brothers went through the school before me, they saw a Prescott on their ledger an’ knew exactly what they were in for.” He snorted, remembering homeroom teachers giving him talkings to at the beginning of the year expressing their ‘sincere hope’ he wouldn’t be like his brothers. “Not so easy to get that fuck head outta my mind no matter how much I fuckin wish I could. Wanna forget it all.” He whispered, staring down at Vitya’s hand on his thigh. Vityas touch was beginning to make Monty hot again, heat pooling in his stomach and groin, especially once the hand was on his thigh. Monty leaned in and kissed at Vitya’s neck, just below his ear, nipping and sucking, “tell me us fucking doesn’t make ya feel alive. Tell me ya don’t feel like ya world is gunna implode if ya don’t cum. Tell me ya don’t hold me like ya might die if ya don’t when ya finally cum from my cock poundin’ ya ass.” He whispered, lips grazing the shell of Vitya’s ear as he spoke.

VITYA

Vitya's voice caught in his throat, freezing a second. He really had no reply to that. For all his spouting about not caring about his end, Monty saw right through it and asked him the one question he coudn't answer. He just shook his head, and shrugged. "Was bored," he said quickly, knowing that wasn't enough of an answer, but hoping it would slide by as if it was. Vitya laughed with Monty, smiling and biting his lip in embarrassment. "Oh yeah, I really thought I was. It was kiddy nonsense," Vitya mumbled, his smile sticking in place as Monty recounted his formative years. Little things, like homeroom teachers, stick with the strangest people, and Monty was no different. "Did you surpass your brother's before you? I would, I'd see it as a challenge. I'm the youngest, so it would be my mission to out-do my siblings." Vitya admitted with a mischievous look in his eye. "If you forgot, you'd just do it again. Best to remember, so then you know you'll never do it again," Vitya stated back, speaking a low enough tone, as if the walls could hear. And, in a split second, the air went from a freeing open space, to clenching his chest, when Monty looked down to where his hand rested. Vitya, satisfied with all the answers Monty gave, let the man have his way with his neck, angling his head just so to give him all the freedom he needed. He let out a breathy, distracted chuckle, the hand that was calmly dancing in Monty's hair now gripping a bit tighter. "If I did, I'd be lying," Vitya whispered back, uncrossing his legs. With a seductive slowness, practiced and natural, Vitya slid one leg over Monty's legs, slotting himself in Monty's lap. He took Monty's hands and placed then on his waist, where his shirt was hiked up just enough so skin touched skin. "Don't be gentle."

MONTY

"Sure bored, not thinkin' about the future at all." Monty snorted, the disbelief clear in his tone but he could read Vitya like a book the way he stumbled over the words. This would be a conversation for another day, not that he really understood why he wanted to press the issue. Monty rolled his eyes, laughing easily, feeling relaxed. "Tough guy, huh? If ya didn't look like I could break ya in two right now I'd put ya tough guy act to the test." He taunted like a school kid on the playground. "KT and Thatch are morons, not exactly hard to out do 'em. Teachers never believed me when I said I didn't cheat on exams, they always made me take 'em away from other kids with some fuckin' supervisor." He laughed remembering the first time he got 100% on a physics exam and had been accused. It had felt awful and wonderful at the same time. "Of course you wanted to make more trouble than your siblin's, you're a sucker for a bad rep aren't ya?" He chuckled, enjoying this easy banter. "Wanna forget him, all the shit I liked about him, but I'll never forget that horrible feelin' that makes my skin crawl, I'll never let myself see all that good shit in anyone again cause it ain't worth it." Monty shook his head with a deep sigh.

A hum of satisfaction escaped Monty as Vitya presented his neck, allowing Monty to have his way with him was the control he needed right now after losing his reigns on his feelings for Schuyler. Monty moaned at the tug on his hair, another flash of heat shooting through his body. "So ya don't need me to hit ya ta make ya feel alive. Don't need ta be playin' with death. Just need my cock in ya ass." He continued, biting on Vitya's lip. It wasn't a gentle nibble it was sharp aiming to cause a quick sting of pain. Monty ran his hands down the younger man's body to his ass, squeezing his butt, enjoying the feel of the muscles under his hands before forcefully pulling Vitya down so their crotches rubbed together. The pressure on his dick made Monty moan but it wasn't enough and something tripped a switch inside him so he was thinking entirely with his cock. He grabbed at Vitya's sweatpants and tore them away so he could finally get his hands on that firm, smooth bubble butt.

VITYA

Vitya laughed along with Monty. "Yeah, you probably could. I'm not the most robust guy," he said, softly. It was interesting to hear more about Monty's life growing up. It sounded individual, singular proving more and more that he was not like other people. Vitya could see that 'shitty school life' was something they shared. The only contrast was Vitya being an absolute demon at his school on purpose. "I am, the worst the rep is, the more people gossip. And I do love gossip. It's politics for the powerless." Vitya, in the hope that he could say one final thing to truly get to Monty's core on his inner drama, tucked some hair behind his ear. "Then fuck him, and the high horse he rode in on." "In the end, Death fucks us all," he whispered quickly, knowing that after this, there was going to be less and less talking. Vitya gasped at Monty biting his lip, his eyes rolling a moment before he made it an actual kiss. He slid his tongue into Monty's mouth, giving him no option but to let him in. He moaned in delight as Monty touched him, taking hold of his waist and pulling him down. Vitya's eyes went wide when he felt, and heard the sound of tearing, looking back and seeing what Monty did. "Oh, I am going to make you regret that-" he said, swiftly tearing open Monty's dress shirt. His hands overtook the new open space, his hips sliding forward to grinding against him, then back into his hands again. Vitya leaned in and kissed Monty again, giving him some payback for biting his lip by doing the same. Vitya's hands went at Monty's belt, doing what we promised earlier and starting the process of getting him out of his clothes, of which there were way too many. He had done this too any times, able to get his belt out of the loops in one swift tug, palming Monty through his jeans before starting on the button. "Fuck, how are you this hard already?"

MONTY

"I bet ya a scrappy little fucker when ya not right outta the hospital though." Monty chuckled, lightly punching at Vitya in a playful manner just to tease. It was rather odd talking about his childhood, especially school, but it was kinda nice, and he did always enjoy showing off how intelligent he was. "Always been in trouble? Makes sense, hell in high heals an' all that shit. But ya ain't exactly powerless though are ya? Bein' a Prince an' all." Monty retorted, rolling his eye again for effect before breaking down and laughing again. Monty nodded, feeling a sense of closure on todays Schuyler chapter. No doubt the pain would come again, it was like the tide in that sense, the way it came and went; but now the tide was out, his feelings were being forgotten in favour of losing himself in Vitya. "It fucks us all in the end but who said we can't go out fightin'" Monty murmured against Vitya's lips. A groan rumbled in Monty's chest feeling the force of the kiss and the demands of Vitya's tongue against his. Sometimes he needed to take control for himself, and sometimes he needed to give it over and somehow Vitya was able to give him both. Vitya's moans caused Monty to buck his hips up and increase the friction between them. Monty tried to laugh as Vitya ripped open his shirt, sending the buttons flying but it came out more like a whine, he couldn't deny how hot it was that even in his state Vitya could still do this. Mont kept his hands on his ass, working with him as he moved his hips, letting his hands roam the now exposed flesh. He grabbed the cheeks and pulled them, letting his finger tips graze his hole. A shiver ran through him at the efficiency of Vitya undoing his belt and jeans, it was speed that only came with practice and it served as a reminder of all the times they'd done this before and how good it was. "Fuck." Monty swore under his breath as the feel of Vitya's hand. "Ya got me this hard ya fuckin' dick." he groaned, as his head fell back.

VITYA

Vitya was anything but distracted. He was laser sharp was Monty's hand groped at his ass, eventually propping as his hole, making him shiver. He bit his lip and smiled as Monty lost himself to such a simple thing as a grope through his jeans. He pushed back into his hands hoping to wake the other man up a bit. Vitya carefully undid Monty's jeans, and with seasoned hands, slid his cock free from their confines. Vitya gave a fake, innocent look. "Oh, did I?" He teased, sliding his hand up and down Monty's shaft at a delicate, slow pace. He leaned into Monty's ear, nipping the lobe a moment. "So sorry about that..." "Come on, be a good boy and open me up. Want you inside me," Vitya whispered, licked down to Monty's neck, where he promptly kissed and sucked a deep, purple hickey into existence. He even bit, just for a moment, to make sure it stuck. He began to twist his wrist as his hand slid up and down Monty's shaft, encouraging him to keep going. "Are you going to pound me into the floor, or am I gonna ride you till you whimper? Decisions, decisions..." Vitya teased even more, his free hand now joining in on his jerking of Monty's cock.

*fade to black*

[fourteenacross]

So, if you don’t follow me on other social media, I had..........kind of a crazy weekend!

If you are unaware, @twentyghosts and I have been friends for twenty years this year. We met after I joined a mailing list she ran because a mutual friend told me it was full of other people who loved Rent. Online fandom was just finding its feet and most fannish stuff happened on bulletin boards, mailing lists, or people’s personal fansites. It was 1999 and we were fourteen and now it’s twenty years later and we’re still friends and we have literal decades of inside jokes and weird shit we’ve made up together (including a successful podcast), but it all started because of Rent.

So, when Renata got a chance to attend the dress rehearsal for Rent Live and asked me to go with her, it felt very narratively satisfying.

Rent was a HUGE part of my adolescence. I can’t overstate that fact. Between 1998ish and 2005, I saw the musical on Broadway (and a couple times on tour) dozens of times. I made many lasting friendships, people I’m still friends with today. I learned all sorts of skills, including HTML and CSS, but also things like how to socially interact with a “celebrity” in a way that’s not massively embarrassing, how to manage a group of people and delegate tasks, how to be an adult human person on your own in the world. I had a really bad break-up with Rent in the mid-aughts thanks to some friendship issues, but it’s been over ten years and I’ve moved on enough to appreciate what the show has given me. This show is a part of my DNA and always will be, for better or for worse.

(And yes, I’m aware that the show has issues and is “problematic,” as the kids like to say, but it’s also a product of its time and it wasn’t like there was a ton of stories about queer people in the mainstream media in the mid-nineties. We’ve come a long way, and that’s good, but it doesn’t negate the importance of the show Back In The Day.)

Anyway.

Renata and I went on this whirlwind three day trip to LA to attend the dress rehearsal. If you watched the show last night, you know that Brennin Hunt broke his ankle during the dress rehearsal and that the bulk of the final aired product was taken from that dress rehearsal. Life is weird!

We managed to squeeze in some touristy things and see a friend from that mailing list we met on twenty years ago, but the highlight of the weekend was, of course, Saturday night’s show. We had zero idea what to expect--Renata won the tickets in a contest and the contest people weren’t super forthcoming with the actual details of what was happening. The people from Fox were a little better, but we still showed up at the Fox Studio lot on Saturday largely unsure of what was going to happen.

We were given red wrist bands and led all the way to the side of the lot to stand on line with other red wristband holders. We ended up seated in the “back” of the stage, where “La Vie Boheme” and “I’ll Cover You” were staged, along with some other little bits of the show. We could sort of see other stuff happening on other parts of the stage, but there were monitors as well, that showed what the cameras were filming as it happened.

The dress rehearsal ran through exactly like a live taping would. An emcee told us what to expect and walked us through how the taping would occur. It started at 5pm on the dot and was expected to end at 8pm on the dot. They would run through the show and stop for commercial breaks, during which we could stretch and talk while they set up the next “act” of scenes. There was a countdown from each commercial break and the show started up again and ran straight through til the next. The emcee warned us that the footage would likely be used in commercials and behind the scenes footage and special features on the eventual DVD release, so if we were sitting next to someone we “shouldn’t be sitting next to,” that we should move. (Of course, it ended up being much more than that, but...that’s life!)

We had joked a lot during the run up to the show. We didn’t know anyone in the cast except for BVD, Vanessa Hudgens, and sort of Jordan Fisher. We didn’t know what to expect or if we’d even like it. We were still half-convinced the whole thing was an elaborate joke.

But, dang, what a night.

Straight up, I started crying when the song “Rent” started. It was just such a visceral moment--I always get amped up and emotional at that part anyway, but I just couldn’t believe where I was and what was happening and who I was with. It was profoundly emotional in a way I can’t quite describe. Like seeing an old friend after a decade apart, I guess.

Overall, I had a fantastic time. I loved the performance--it was super high energy and emotional. I loved most of the changes they made and the way they adapted the material for the medium. I loved how they made the Life Support group a bigger part of the narrative and how they wove “Seasons of Love” into it. The whole thing felt incredibly true to the spirit of the show. I saw people on Twitter complaining about changed costumes and slightly altered lyrics, which was confusing after a bunch of these live musicals where they added new parts and new songs and all that shit. Like, it’s 2019, a lot of kids watching WEREN’T EVEN BORN when Rent came out. I think it’s good that they added narrative context. Things might make sense to those of us who saw it fifty times in 2002, but less so for people who are so divorced from what the world was like when the show takes place.

Anyway, here are some more random thoughts I wanted to get down, including some stuff I said on Twitter:

Mark’s added narration really helped frame the story while simultaneously acting as another barrier that kept him apart from the rest of the group, which really worked for me.

It was super hard to divorce myself from Rent as a stage show when it came to certain aspects of the experience of watching it. For example, I didn’t start applauding after OSG even though it was a great performance because you don’t applaud after OSG! Mimi comes in too quickly and it slides right into “Light My Candle,” so I wasn’t even prepared to do it. Same with a couple other song breaks.

Also, the designated pee break, “I Should Tell You,” was unavailable as we were not allowed to leave the sound stage once filming started.

The audience was CRAZY for Jordan Fisher. Too crazy--there was a quick reshoot at the end because the screaming at the start of “Rent” was so loud it blew out the actors’ vocals. (more on that later)

There were a couple things that I missed, like “You have to get out of the house,” because sometimes when you accidentally create an entire mega ship you can’t ever shake how much you ship the characters, but I think that they did a good job of adding in enough of Mark’s caretaking in that scene that it would have been redundant.

Most of the line changes seemed to be about contextualizing the show for a 2019 audience or removing things that were inappropriate for television, but there were a couple small changes that didn’t seem rooted in either things, but were objectively MUCH BETTER LINES. “You wanna produce films and write songs? / You need somewhere to do it. / It’s what we used to dream about; / think twice before you pooh-pooh it” was switched to “You wanna produce films and write songs? / You need somewhere to perfect it. / It’s what we used to dream about; / think twice before you reject it” AND THAT IS JUST OBJECTIVELY A MUCH BETTER LYRIC. People were so mad at the change and like....chill, my friends! I have probably seen Rent more times than you, stop trying to seem superior by bashing what is an OBJECTIVELY BETTER LYRIC.

Maureen’s costume and props were AMAZING in OTM. Renata said something like, “I can’t believe that we ever thought Maureen WOULDN’T be super over the top for that number!” and she’s right--with all we know of Maureen, ridiculous props and costume felt right on target.

I liked how the use of cameras helped highlight some small details of the show people might have missed in the staged version. At the end of “Happy New Year B,” when Mimi is “comforted” by The Man, Mark lingers in the doorway to the building and witnesses the interaction. A bunch of people I follow on twitter hadn’t even noticed that when they saw it on stage, and I think it’s such an important moment.

Ditto with the staging of “Without You.” The guys behind us at the show were so confused that Roger was in the hospital bed because, despite having seen the staged show multiple times, the minimalist staging of that scene didn’t make it clear to them that Roger was sick for part of that song. (I, on the other hand, wrote at least three fics about it. It was my favorite stupid angsty thing to delve into for like, six months in 2003.)

I had never heard of Kiersey Clemons before this and she legit was one of my favorite parts. She’s amazing.

After ICY:R, which blew the doors off the place, predictably, BVD exited by our audience section and people started spontaneously sobbing and cheering again as he walked by. He was so fucking incredible.

Jordan Fisher’s real life tears during “Halloween” MURDERED ME.

Okay, so, like most dumb nerd kids who got into Rent in 1998, Mark was my favorite character. I loved him, I super over-related to him, I wrote a zillion words of fic about him, etc. And, honestly, I didn’t know what to expect from Jordan Fisher. But my god, if he wasn’t my favorite part of the show. He fucking nailed it. He was perfect. He was able to pull all of the things I love about Mark from all the different performances I’ve seen and completely encapsulate it in what he did. I walked in like, “eh, whatever” and walked out like, “I WOULD DIE FOR THIS ACTUAL TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD WHO PLAYED MARK TONIGHT.” 

My favorite segment of the show is “Halloween” through “What You Own.” Predictably. And it was super on fire. Everyone totally nailed all of the emotional highs and lows of those songs. It was so intense and perfect.

HOWEVER.

The one thing they cut that I got legit mad about was the “For someone who’s always been let down...” Mark/Roger exchange. That exchange is important to me and important to that relationship (no matter how you read it) and I was so bummed that it was cut. Most of the changes/deletions didn’t bother me, but that one rankled.

(As my friend Jen reminded me on Twitter, they could have at least replaced it with the NYTW “Love you” exchange.)

“What You Own” was amazing, even though Renata was bummed they cut the “Compulsive Bowlers” line. (If you are unaware, the main Rent message board, which we were both a part of, Renata for much longer than me, was called “Compulsive Bowlers.”)

Okay, so it was after WYO, off stage, that Brennin Hunt hurt his foot. We had no idea anything was wrong at first; we stretched and sat at the end of the commercial break and there was no countdown. Nothing. A few people started running back and forth across the stage, including Jordan Fisher a couple times. No updates, no information. The lights came up. Still no updates. Finally, someone got on mic and explained that Brennin had hurt his foot and that he was determined to finish the show, so they needed a few minutes to reblock the last couple scenes. 

They also informed us at this point that the whole OBC was there (which we knew from social media) and that there was going to be surprise at the end.

I immediately guessed what the surprise was, and was slightly mad at myself for it, because I thought I would be less emotional knowing what was coming.

(Spoiler alert: I was not)

So they brought Brennin out, carried across the stage by two other people with his foot in an aircast. They set him up on the table, got all the lights and things set again, and finished out the show.

There was one terrible/hilarious/terrible moment, where they find out Mimi is sick, where Roger would normally run to the “window” in anguish. Instead, they just cut to Brennin screaming “NOOO!” while sitting perfectly still. We laughed. I feel bad about it, but...I couldn’t help it.

The end was great (another great line replacement: “Time to see what we have, time to see” became “Now we measure how that year has passed,” which is SO MUCH BETTER), etc

And after the finale, when I was already sobbing, they lower this “Rent - 1996 - 2019″ banner and when they raise it, THE OBC IS THERE.

Which, of course I knew the OBC was going to come out and sing SOL. Of course they were. But that did not stop me from losing my shit and full on sobbing.

I still can’t believe that part happened.

Some other highlights: Jordan Fisher and Vanessa Hudgens were so incredibly gracious to their fans. They had very limited free time between “acts” and commercials, but they made a point of giving out as many waves and high fives and smiles as they could in their limited time.

At one point, during a commercial break, Jordan Fisher walked by where Anthony Rapp was sitting in the audience and stopped to shake his hand and talk to him and I got very emotional watching that.

Brandon Victor Dixon is just............so wonderful??? At everything???

We had detailed instructions on when to hold up our candles during “Will I?” and they told us many times that we couldn’t take them with us, but Renata and I were annoyed that we were unable to steal posters and screenplays, as is our right as annoying Rentheads.

(If you know a person who went to Rent like it was their job as a teenager, they probably have at least one “poster” or “screenplay” or “stash” that was stolen from the set.)

They had a lot of nice nods to the classic costumes in places, especially on the ensemble.

I loved how diverse the ensemble was wrt age. That’s not something you get a lot of in the stage show (which makes sense given the cast limitations and needing understudies, etc) that really added to the show.

And, listen, you can take the shipper out of the fandom, etc, but dang, I remember why I accidentally started a fandom revolution by creating Mark/Roger. Mark is SO in love with Roger, my friends.

(Also, my rarepair, Mark/Benny, which I will forever love as well.)

Everyone was so talented and gracious and really seemed to be putting their all into what was happening. The energy was intense and amazing and electric.

They needed to do one quick reshoot at the end because, like I said, the cheering at the start of “Rent” blew out the sound of the first few lyrics. They reshot just starting from “The power blows...” and asked the people in the SRO pits to not ACTUALLY scream this time, but for everyone else to scream and cheer like we did the first time. Jordan Fisher ran through Mark’s first verse and then started in on Roger’s first verse before they cut it and thanked us all for our help, and I stg I’d watch that child’s one man show version of Rent. He was super into it 😂

And I’m gonna finish with this, cut directly from Twitter:

Look, I know this show has issues and is, as the kids like to say, problematic, but it literally brought me almost every good thing I currently have in my life. I met Becca through Rent fandom a hundred million years ago, and that's why I moved to Boston with my amazing Boston friends. I met Renata through Rent fandom and that's why I have a podcast. I met SO MANY PEOPLE who are still dear to me because of this show.

Some of my longest fandom relationships - @isjustprogress, Jen, Priscilla, and a ton more I'm probably entirely forgetting because I'm so emotional right now. If we start breaking off tangentially, I know @leiascully through Renata, and @coffeesuperhero through Mary. I know all of my Boston friends because of Becca. I know so many of you because of Renata and the podcast.

Rent was a thing that happened to me at the exact right time in my life, first online and then in person. I feel like a huge amount of my independence as an adult started to bloom when my parents would let me go into the city alone to meet up with Rent friends. This show is a part of who I am, for better or for worse, and getting to see that performance last night, with one of my best friends in what will be the twentieth year of our friendship was just...enormously powerful and special to me.

So that is............pretty much all of it! I might try and jot down more notes as things come to me, but I am very hungry and want to write a few more words of fic today, so I’m leaving it here for now. Thanks for reading this nonsense, if you did, heh 😅

[cuddleslutloki]

2018 fics, a year in review

i’m a madman, but even my crazy ass probably won’t finish and post another fic in the last 6 hours of 2018, so here are all the fics i posted on ao3 this year, plus some thoughts on each!

Hemlock Honey and Silver

this was my last ever supernatural fandom fic. literally the end of an era for me since i was in the spn fandom for so damn long and wrote so much fic, about two-thirds of which has been orphaned on the archive at this point because i didn’t like the stories anymore lol. 

i do like that one, though, and i’m actually alright with it being my last ever spn/destiel fic

Fire In Your Veins

this was my first time posting thorki fic! i was so, so nervous about it, but everyone in this fandom is so chill and lovely. i still like this one, and i don’t think i write enough 69ing lmao. also this fic was obvs the start of something bigger bc. i mean. i’ve written so much damn fic now lol since i only started posting in june. i was worried that i wasn’t going to be writing anymore, or that i’d never be posting on ao3 again because it had been literally 2 full years between hemlock honey and silver and the fic that preceded it. then i fell into thorki and i started writing fic and it’s just been such a huge, huge thing. bc i’m also writing original stuff again for the first time in forever.

Underdressed and All Out of Time

a direct sequel to fire in your veins, i really like it. i felt like i was able to characterize loki fairly well in this one bc i was very insecure about the way i wrote loki when i started out

A Thousand Teeth, Yours Among Them

who doesn’t love a fic title from a hozier song? i remember writing this fic and wondering if it was any good and if my characterization was okay and still being nervous and insecure in my writing, but it’s been very well received so i kinda got my inner critic to stfu which is nice lol. i also really enjoyed doing this vignette style story

To Always Face the Sun

what if :) loki was happy :) and thor had his brother back :) lol i really liked writing this and having loki being such a little shit tbh. can we tell that i like a happy ending in fic?

Blue On Gold

so i wrote an arranged marriage fic where they never actually get married and it’s still 15.8k lmfao. also the return of the vignette style, which was fun bc i got to do short, impactful scenes and build the narrative with them. i remember sitting at my desk at work, on my phone, writing this fic, then coming home and editing on a damn tablet bc my laptop bricked earlier this year

the warmth of your doorway

i meant to capitalize the title but at this point i’ve decided to leave it lol. i really loved writing this bc i felt very confident in the way i was building the scenes and the detail i was able to incorporate. i feel like this is where i really kinda go my voice back and i start to come into my own, if that makes sense? one of my fave fics i’ve ever written tbh. there’s a longer ‘verse for this, but after i finished this fic i got too distracted by new projects to try and continue it lol

Tell Me

this was my first trans!loki fic and he’s a trans man, and god i love it. i’ve got another ftm loki story as a WIP in my gdocs bc this story showed me how much i fucking love writing trans characters, and i really enjoyed the dynamic i put into this fic. there’s a sequel planned lol it’s gonna be dirty

Interwoven

i still haven’t managed to ever find the post that inspired this damn fic and if you wonder whether that drives me up the wall the answer is yes (: and fun fact! i intentionally never describe loki’s genitals in this fic, bc i was picturing him as a trans guy since i’d just written tell me and now i have a massive obsession with writing trans romance and erotica

Tie Breaker

in this house we love and appreciate bottom thor!!! also i loved writing the sparring at the beginning. it makes me wanna write more fics w/ brutal fight scenes lol. thor’s slutty drunk cape outfit is iconic and i’m gonna read that comic just for that outfit honestly

Pretense of Subjugation

i became drunkenly obsessed with loki manspreading on the throne of asgard and this was the result. this was the first thorki fic of mine that i’d had beta’d and it was vastly, vastly improved by it. the tips @ktspree13 gave me when she helped with this fic have affected literally every single fic i’ve written since

Double and More

so this is not the first thorki fic i ever posted, of course, however it is the first i ever started writing. i got to the point where loki’s in thor’s lap and then i kinda blanked out and let the fic sit for like... 2 or 3 months? then i opened it back up and i was like “oh i like this i should finish this” which is why i don’t delete anything anymore bc there’s always a chance i’ll come back to it

Ringback Tone

y’all owe @thotki for the wondrous idea they presented in discord that ended up creating this fic. i think i wrote this fic in like 3 days bc of how much fun i was having with it. the dirty talk was my favorite thing to write in this and i remember distinctly having this [:< moment when i was daydreaming about it

Seldom All They Seem

there was an impromptu bottom thor day back on 20 oct and this fic was my contribution. we can never have enough time travel, can we? i remember i think i took like a four day weekend from work and part of my motivation was literally wanting to finish this fic in time to post it lmfao

Fluffy Thorki Sunday Ficlets

i started doing fluffy thorki sunday back when i was on bourbonbucky and i continued it here, and i’m proud that i’ve written at least 1 piece for fluffy thorki sunday every sunday since i started. i love doing fluff and smut, and honestly even when my mood has been shit, i’ve always felt motivated to try and improve it at least enough to write some nice fluff. i put all of these on ao3 once i moved blogs

Let Love Disrupt

this is another fic we owe to discord lmao. i remember posting this when i was either very drunk or very tired and having to keep going onto ao3 on my damn phone browser to correct minor shit, and some not so minor shit like a typo in the title bc at first it said “distrupt” and that’s why i only post when i’m awake and sober now lmfao

Without Fear

i love werewolves (: a whole bunch (: and this fic is something dirty and wonderful that i’m proud of and THERE’S ART bc @nekokat42 is a blessing and takes commissions. kot i love u :3

On the Other Side Like Always

i have a lot of feelings about this fic. there’s an entire future in this ‘verse that i would so love to write, but i’m stuck on where to go with it. as it stands i am satisfied with this as a story of thor and loki coming together, and a story about how loki does something out of desperation but is finally given something genuine and comforting in his life like he’s always deserved. THERE’S ART from the wondrous @boltplumart / @mrhiddles bc allie is perfect :]

Runaway

when i tell y’all i’m a trash gremlin king. i do have a thing for writing underage characters with adults (probs due to messy personal history lmfao ain’t gonna look at that too closely) and so writing this one was a fun little bit of self indulgence. also it’s dirty and really plays into codependency, which i always like writing bc it’s a fun thing to explore in fiction

Sunset Rhapsody

this fic. was supposed to be. two thousand words. at most. then thor smiled at me, as the writer, and was like “i want to own him” and we ended up with 11k of thor’s obsessive bs and loki being brutal. joking aside, i love this fic, i love what i did with it, i have an original story i wanna write for my size kink anthology that will follow a similar thread to this one. also that torture scene. i don’t recall if i ever properly wrote torture before, but this did kinda make me squirm a bit when i was writing it and if you’ve read it you know precisely which scene i’m talking about lmfao

Right to Guard

this fic was honestly very emotionally satisfying for me in a pretty visceral way. writing thor just surrendering to love and spoiling the fuck out of loki was pretty damn cathartic. 

A Bite of Lamb

me making sure i never lose my title as a trash gremlin king. honestly writing thor’s POV in this fic was like >.> at myself a couple times bc it felt distinctly dark in a way i’d never written another character. a very, very unhealthy kind of obsession and this twisted logic where he’s trying to make it all okay. i really fucking love this damn fic tho and i’m happy with how it came out. 

Seamless

i was so, so frustrated and pissed off at work that i needed to let that shit out, so that was channeled into this very guilt-ridden turned tender fic, and i really enjoyed writing it. loved writing thor taking care of his baby sister. also! KOT IS FUCKING AMAZING and drew this bc they’re such a good fucking person ;A; like they sent me a message and just said “really liked this scene” and i was D Y I N G and i still am. thank you again, kot!

The Way A Rose Blooms

this was written for the thorki secret santa exchange! i drew @chickcheney and honestly the list of prompts was so, so good. bottom thor, arranged marriage, semi-public sex and trying not to be caught, body worship. i was like “damn did i draw myself wtf” bc that is all up my alley. 

Sugar Cookie

i honestly could not think of a better fic to finish off 2018 for me than sugar cookie. porn and emotions that’s all this is, but it features loki as a trans woman being loved and appreciated as she is with nothing extra expected of her and it was so satisfying to write. it makes me want to write original romance with trans women, which i’ll definitely do bc i loved writing this hungry and tender story and i’m very happy with how i ended it. 

so that was 2018 for me! 

[honeylikewords]

So what movie are you most excited about that's coming out this summer? :)

Thank you for asking! I always have such fun talking about movies, so I really appreciate being asked my opinions on them!

The thing is, though, that this summer’s particular slate of movies... doesn’t have a whole lot of zingers in it for me, oddly enough. When I first saw this message, I was a little sad, because nothing actually immediately came to mind. 

I then Googled the movies coming out this summer and looked over the list, and remembered a few that either have already come out this summer that I haven’t seen, or will be coming later on!

1. Detective Pikachu. I’m not expecting this one to be Life Changing Cinema, but I expect it to be a good, fun time. I know it’s been a hot minute since it came out, but I still haven’t seen it and it’s on my list; I just wanna see that tiny fluffy yellow mouse!

2. The Dead Don’t Die. Again, not expecting this one to Change My Soul and leave me Pondering, but I do think it’ll be fun. It’s an indie Adam Driver zombie movie. Even if it’s bad, it’ll be fun.

3. Toy Story 4. Once more, not a hard-hitter, and I am a little worried about it after the good leaving off point of Toy Story 3, but I definitely am going to see it one way or another. And probably cry, because I am delicate and sensitive and toys make me emotional. I’m not sure how it’ll fare compared to its other companion films, but I have high hopes and a heart full of love, so I’m sure that whatever happens, it’ll be at least a good adventure to have with some familiar faces. And Key and Peele as new toys! How fun!

4. Spider-Man: Far From Home. I still haven’t seen Endgame, miraculously, and I... kind of don’t want to. But I do want to see Spider-Man, and see my wonderful son Peter again! He’s such a cutie and his parts in the films are always so fun, and my little brother is a HUGE Peter Parker and Spider-Man fan, so I just know this one will be a good, fun film for both me and him to enjoy.

5.  The Farewell. Now, this is one I actually really want to see and just didn’t remember right away, and I expect this one to be very serious and very thoughtful. For those who don’t know about it, it’s set to be a drama about a young Chinese-American woman who has to travel back to China with her family to say goodbye to her dying grandmother, but with the catch that no one can let the grandmother know she’s dying. 

The film’s tension centers around the cultural clash between the main character’s very Western beliefs around death, suffering, and the necessity of telling the “truth”, versus her family’s older traditional stance on not informing the dying of their condition, as it would only make their final days sadder and reduce the quality of what little life they still have. 

It’s a really important question many, many people have to ask themselves regularly-- do I tell someone something terrible about something they cannot change, or do I let them live in comfortable ignorance?-- and is told through a very important lens about culture, family, and the mourning process. 

I really do want to see this movie and have for a while, and if anyone else wants to see it, I’d be very happy to discuss it after we’ve seen it!

Aaaaand that’s about it.

I’m probably going to see Booksmart at some point or another, if only because one of my professor-friends wants me to talk to him about it, but I have some... apprehensions about that movie. It feels very faux-feminist, very surface level white feminist-y, and the general praise of it being “a Superbad for girls!” doesn’t sell me because... I don’t wanna watch Superbad for boys, girls, or any other gender. 

Midsommar also looks interesting on a certain level, but I’m not super buckled-in for horror, despite having done thesis work with the horror genre. I’m more interested in horror theoretically than practically, and Midsommar comes from the creator of Hereditary; while both seem to be incredibly original and powerful films, probably with much that would interest me and my curiosity about film theory’s binds to horror, Hereditary was also frighteningly and viscerally gory, and I don’t react well to that. I think I’m only interested in Midsommar on the basis that a brightly-lit, visually beautiful, florid, summer-set horror film is a really interesting idea; most horror movies require visual darkness to set the ambient tone of thematic darkness, so by having all these bright, natural lights, all this sunshine and open air, flowers, cleanliness, and prettiness, it’ll be interesting to see how the story works with its environment to create the sensation of fear and horror. Also, apparently Jordan Peele likes it, and he knows his way around horror, so that’s a plus, I suppose!

At any rate, if any of you guys have any recommendations or movies you’re excited for, please let me know! This summer seems kinda short on films of substance or interest for me, so if there are any hidden gems out there, do inform me!