#I don’t want to spend 2.5 entire days with ANYONE and I was SAD when this mfer drove away

[thentherewasfury]

Not to sound like an insane straight person in love but today the situation was driving us home through a mountain pass and it was very majestic and beautiful with the snow-covered peaks and miles of evergreens and frozen lakes—and I kept taking opportunities to stare at HIM with probably approximately 😍 expression on my face.

[letters-into-the-endless-void]

(!!) Letters to Fabi Alonso #8

July 14, 2022

You know, for a while there, I was thinking that I was doing better. Not having forgotten you, persay, but not spending my entire day moping and feeling utterly miserable. That lasted for like, two days. It started again yesterday and has been going very strong.

You told me to keep being passionate about what I love. See, I really don’t know how to do that. There was a time when I was motivated, I had to memorize all the names of places of different eras, all the different government position names. I should read zuozhuan, I should read zgc, I should find out about more people, etc. Now, I didn’t actually do any of that, because I was lazy, but the thought was there. Me indulging myself and being happy was me reading about new guys, so that I could talk about them with you, or that when you brought them up I could be ready to return conversation.

Right now, my indulging in fandom is frantically stuffing my brain with any sort of stimulation to prevent a thought from occurring. I definitely do not want to look at anything history related. It’s a state I’ve been in before, where fandom was pure escapism. Now I’m simply back in it.

I’d like you to understand that me constantly going off about how miserable I am is in no attempt to make you feel guilty. I mean, maybe subconsciously I’m doing that, who knows, but even if I wanted to guilt you I doubt that it would work. You’re pretty stern when it comes to setting boundaries, I’ve realized. Which is why you must’ve gotten so upset when I crossed yours.

You know, I never really considered that you could get so mad before. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you get mad. Everyone’s gotten somewhat mad, or annoyed, at me before. On one hand I tried really hard to not annoy you, but I’m such a massive overthinker and I don’t recall you ever showing signs of annoyance. To me, or to anyone, really. Or maybe you just hid it really well.

I did figure something was wrong. You spent a lot of June leaving me on read. And like I’ve said, I can’t complain, because I’ve also done that, but it was pretty out of character for you. I pretty much figured either I annoyed you, or you had something going on. Especially when, from June 27 to early July 3, that was 6 days. That was too long. I guess what happened was that you really did have life issues. And now it’s both.

See, I did lose contact with some of my closer twitter mutuals. And as sad as I am over that, it kind of just feels like “It is what it is”. Because we were twitter mutuals, that’s what we were, a few of them I cared about on a deeper level, but we were twitter mutuals. We really didn’t have any sort of relationship.

But the thing is, Fabi, we were friends, right?

And I thought, as friends, well I don’t know what I thought. I considered that you might get mad, although up until then I never really put the idea of you and being mad together. Mostly I thought you’d ask me a few questions, maybe things would get a bit weird, but we could stay somewhat friends, or maybe just become more distant, at the worst. Like we’d talk once a week, kind of distant. I thought what you’d feel was maybe a bit disappointed, and awkward. That’s mostly how I imagined this turning out.

Of course, overthinker that I am, it’s not like I didn’t imagine you just dipping away forever.

But that definitely did not involve you shutting down all of your twitter accounts. Like I said back in my first letter, that really shocked me.

But really, what shocked me most when reading your goodbye wasn’t that you were upset, that much I figured, but how mad you were. How stern, in putting down a clear line saying you never wanted to see me again. Maybe as you’re reading this, you’re getting mad again. How dare I assume you wouldn’t be mad, when etc etc, right? Maybe I was just delusional in my hope that I could get away with 2.5 years of lying easily.

But, well, the thing is, I’ve gotten mad with my own friends before. They’ve done some pretty shitty things. I’ve done some pretty shitty things. But nothing is really shitty enough worth breaking that friendship over. The only shitty thing that reached that max shitiness level was that one friend, I told you about, the very homophobic white guy.

So that makes me wonder. Is it our friendship that actually didn’t mean so much to you, or was me lying about my age just as hurtful as being an actual asshole of a human being?

Or, it’s also possible I’m thinking way too much. You have a lot of friends on twitter that you are much, much closer to. I haven’t even known you for an year. It’s likely that I’m the only one so hung up.

...I do hope you’re in contact with them. They must miss you. Although, I guess you would’ve left contact ways to all your friends, right? Aha.

I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings. I’m really not. I just wish you told me more about how you felt, because I simply don’t understand, and am quite lost. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’d give anything to not have hurt you. But I’ve hurt you in a way that leaves me reeling and confused.

Or maybe it’s simpler than that. Maybe I was just the final straw along with all your life problems that made you say “Fuck it. No more of this.”

I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I know that. And I broke your boundaries once, and I’m trying to not break it again this time. But I also really, really want to show you these letters.

But at the same time, I also don’t.

Whether or not I can even contact you aside, because as long as I don’t, I can continue to have little fantasies in where you read these letters, we talk it out, and maybe we can’t go back to what we used to, but maybe you’ll be less mad and I’ll be less miserable.

But if I do show it to you, I think the reality is that you’d get mad, even more. It’s weird how now that I know you can get very angry, at me especially, that I think everything I do will piss you off. And maybe I’m right. To see 8 entire long ass letters of me creepily talking about myself when you’re the one who was lied to? Anger inducing, definitely.

I really don’t want you to get mad again.

But at the same time, jesus fucking christ, what do I have to lose, right? Worst case scenario, you get mad. You’re already mad, for fucks sake.

I think I’ll try. I don’t even know if I can reach you yet. You said you didn’t want to talk to me ever again, and well, you don’t have to. You probably won’t. I mean, you’re already going through life problems. I know that.

I just want to tell you how I feel, is that too much to ask?

...Well, maybe.

Sorry for being selfish again.

If I’m right, and we really weren’t as good friends as I thought we were, maybe rather than disgusted or mad, you’d just be annoyed. “What is this person doing and why can’t they leave me alone,” kind of annoyed.

...At least that’s better than being mad?

- Your Ex-Zhiji, Avro Lanca

[aliciameade]

Hey you're super knowledgeable about Broadway stuff, so I have an ask if you don't mind :) Mean Girls on BW is closing. Lot of theatre news sites are saying this is "due to the pandemic shutdown". I'm just a little confused as to how the shutdown could close a hit show that would probably still sell lots of tickets when things reopen. Are shows still having to pay rent on the theatres or something?

Hello!

I’ve done nothing but discuss this five days a week every week since March 2020 because my entire job is working with Broadway shows getting ready to / trying to plan to return to performances. I was going to have this be a top-level view but I think it’s necessary to understand just how the gears of Broadway work to answer this question. So I encourage you to read.

Shows cost money to run each week (when Broadway is running). For argument’s sake, let’s estimate Mean Girls’ weekly cost is about $750,000.

To be profitable, they have to bring in MORE THAN $750,000 per week in ticket sales long enough to make up the millions of dollars it cost to create the show, called “capitalization.” So, if they made $1,000,000 per week in ticket sales and it cost $750,000 to operate, they were paying off their capitalization, basically debt back to the producers who gave money to make the show happen, at a rate of $250,000 per week. I don’t know what their capitalization was, but it was probably at least $15 million. It would take FIVE YEARS to pay that back.

Mean Girls paid their capitalization back, called “recouping,” in about three years, which is pretty good! For what it’s worth, roughly 80% of shows NEVER recoup and are considered financial failures. They were able to pay it back more quickly because their ticket sales were so strong, north of $1,000,000/week for a long time, say, basically 2.5 of the 3 years it ran on Broadway.

In the last six months or so before the shutdown in March 2020, the shows sales had been slipping. Tickets were discounted heavily to almost every performance and it wasn’t finding renewed life. This means ticket revenue went down, down, down until, as of March 9, 2020, it made $775,000 of the possible $1,100,000 they could make if they sold every seat at full price. You said it sold “lots” of tickets, but they were only selling about 65% of what they could (in March 2020).

That doesn’t seem like a big difference, but if the running cost is $750,000 (it is perhaps higher), that means the profit is only $25,000 per week.

Once a show starts to barely break even, and eventually lose money just by performing, producers decide it’s time to close the show because it’s no longer profitable, and the entire reason producers want to make money on Broadway shows is so they can reinvest it into more new Broadway shows.

Then, to compound things, NO Broadway show has what is called an “advance,” which are future ticket sales, basically a piggy bank of money they know they’ll have to be able to spend on more performances. This is a huge challenge for even the most successful shows who recouped decades ago (think: The Phantom of the Opera, The Lion King, and Wicked). Every show has a huge financial burden to overcome to reopen because they immediately have NOTHING in savings to pay the cast, crew, theater, etc. So, producers will have to invest new money, and then it has to be repaid, etc. Shows like Phantom and Wicked will survive because of who the producers are and the guaranteed selling power, as the shows were heavily sold year-round for a decade (or three, in Phantom’s case). Shows like Frozen and Mean Girls, which were already on the decline before the pandemic, just don’t have the momentum to restart from zero.

Not to mention, the nature of Broadway theater is to pack 1,100 people into a tiny room with zero room to breathe, charge $300 per seat in order to pay the people who make the show a living wage, and BARELY turn a profit. The reality in our COVID world is that it is not financially smart to try to run a Broadway show with things like social distancing, because you cannot afford to put on a show that costs $750,000 per week when you can only sell 400 seats for $120,000 per week (if you can even get 400 people to pay $300 for a ticket after the economic stress of the past year). They’d be losing $630,000 per week indefinitely. That’s financial lunacy for ANYONE to do that, without majorly deep pockets and a guaranteed path out of debt.

So, if that was tl;dr: it wasn’t making enough money and is too big a hill to climb when things reopen. It’s very likely other shows will also not return, and as sad as that is, I promise you there are that many more NEW shows waiting for their turn. There are only 41 Broadway theaters, so some must close to allow new ones in (if Groundhog Day hadn’t closed, Mean Girls wouldn’t have been able to happen!). All closures are bittersweet because we love these shows, and we hate to see people lose their jobs, etc., but it is, to quote Disney’s The Lion King on Broadway, the circle of life.

I hope this helps!

p.s. Yes, I believe shows are having to pay rent, and with forced shutdowns by the city, they were, I believe, able to collect insurance payments to help with this but it varies based on their insurance policies, etc etc etc.

[sunnieskies02]

Romeo & Juliet

Overhaul x Reader  1.5k Words  Trigger Warnings: n/a 

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Nothing felt better than waking up next to your secret villainous lover…that is a sentence you never thought you’d say but here you are. 

A crisp Sunday morning and the shuffling and rustling of the sheets wake you from your slumber. Turning over you see Kai sitting at the edge of the bed rubbing his head, your eyes glance over to the digital clock to read 2 am. 

“Leaving so soon?” 

He peers at you over his shoulder with his golden eyes peering into yours. Despite his cold looking face and keenness to be and stay germ free he doesn’t like leaving you in the morning. Letting out a depressing sigh he turns his entire body around to face you and leans down to plant his lips onto your forehead. You smile up at him and move to sit up and watch his eyes blink slowly. He scratched his hands out of habit when he was irritated or bothered by someting. 

“Y...yea. I’m still working on the quirk cancelling serum. I-it’s almost ready but I still need to test it a few times. But…” 

He gets up from the bed and walks over to the closest to pull out some clothes and lays them on the bed. Starting to dress himself he speaks. 

“I’ll bring back your favorite dessert tonight when I stop by.” 

“St-stop by?! Kai you said that I could have this week to spend with you,  when did this change!” 

“ IT CHANGED WHEN THOSE BRATS AT UA TOOK ERI!!” 

Your words are choked into the back of your throat. Kai had never raised his voice at you...ever but then the reality of your situation hit you. You were a part of the hero society and he was part of the villainous underground who wished to eliminate what you stood for. 

The taste of iron in your mouth grew and you turned away from him with tears at the corners of your eyes. Being in love with someone on the opposite end of the road was hard, and if anyone found out about your love for a villian who only wanted the liberation of quirks to make the world normal where there wasn’t a hierarchy based on things you can’t control. You would be dead. 

Kai didn’t want to yell at you. He didn’t want to argue with you, he loved you all of you and even the fact that you loved him for all his ‘supposed’ imperfections. Kai reached out to you and wrapped his arms around your waist allowing his chin lay in the crook of your neck. 

The warmth of his body warmed your back as you laid your hand on his and leaned onto his head. You could tell how he felt about your slight argument, the pain was mutual,and love was such a strange thing that he, hilariously, couldn’t comprehend. 

You turn your head to look at him and the sorrow that filled his eyes was like a pool of honey thick and overflowing with guilt. 

“I’m sorry little angel…I-I...y-you know I don’t like yelling at you….but the hero society, excluding you of course, is just….I...I just need to move a little bit faster okay. I’m sorry… I swear I’m sorry.” 

A painful force chuckle fell from your lips knowing that on your end it's technically your fault but not your fault. It was a sad situation that you hated to admit but it is what it is. You lean into his chest and pull yourself closer to him and take in his unironic hospital based smell. 

“Y-you know Kai this unbridled tension could cease if….if I-” 

“No….don’t you dare say or think that okay. It gives me a sense of peace knowing that I’m doing one this to help and hurt the team that I'm on. Y-you are my untainted sanctuary….please don’t change just to make our lives comfortable. We can become comfortable in being uncomfortable.” 

Smiling, you look up at him and kiss the tip of his nose, “Fine Kai Chisaki, I’ll stay as your sanctuary and follow your lead till the ends of the earth, how does that sound?” He kissed your cheek once more and smiled, he moved from behind you and continued to dress himself and put on his purple feathered jacket along with his plague mask. 

“You know as clean as you are I always somehow get your purple feathers caught in my clothes and carpet in this home of mine.” A soft chuckle falls out of your lips and he turns to you with a quivering brow that's hiding a smirk under the mask he speaks. 

“Really now little angel? I guess it goes the same way when my coworkers talk about how fruity I smell...I wonder who's the blame for that.” He laughs it off and starts to walk for the door and you follow right behind him. You toss on a red robe and walk behind him and meet him at the door and before he reaches the nob you lean up to kiss him on the lips well… the beak of the mask. 

“You could’ve moved the mask out of the way lil angel…” You shrug your shoulders and move out of the way of the door and watch him walk down the steps of your home. You smile and wave him off as he is walking over to the station to get on the road to his hideout. 

His footsteps walk further and further away and you slowly close the door back to your home. Your arrangement with Chisaki Kai was an informal one that before sex was payment for L.O.V information that some how blossomed into a 2.5 year relationship that has had its ups and downs. 

You move back into the shadows of your room to get more sleep before your day initially started. Hero and Villain, Romeo and Juliet….just different sides of the spectrum that hate each other while two pawns in this game just want to fall in love without having to worry about the mental and emotional state of the other. 

Kai Chisaki was interesting and particular when you first encountered him in a fight. His quirk was the main thing that stuck out to you and you wanted to see it over and over again. Nonetheless, there was nothing you could try to say or do to him that wasn’t heroic that would have made you look suspicious.

But ironically enough when you and a group of friends decided to have a night out you ran into him and… drunkenly embraced one another in cuidese. And the morning that you and him woke up neither of you had any regrets. It was a silent realization that the two of you had done but you were the first to leave the hotel room not giving him the time of day.

You wanted to clear your mind and come to the realization that you slept with the enemy. You couldn’t remember what you said to him, what you did to him and all of the above. The thought of what he might do to you or expose about you would ruin your career to the fullest with no doubt of you being kicked off of the hero commision. 

Nevertheless, he came to you and professed to you that you did talk about the hero commision and what they were doing but he wasn’t going to use it against you.  However he offered to take you out to eat. It was such an odd request but at the end of the day you accepted, for the first time you would be able to speak to the enemy and learn more to then later tell your associates at work. 

After that day time did move on but… he knew that you would tell your fellow heros but still bothered to tell you things. You did ask him later on why he just spilled his guts to you about what he was doing and he said because he wanted to help someone just to make himself feel bad about what he was doing so he could stop. 

But he never did. 

Lovers on different sides of the spectrum caught up in the ties of society. Overhaul and you… lovers in your eye and enemies by the means of the rest of the world. He helped you by giving his information from his end of the spectrum and the slight effort you would put into his work is making sure that his comrades weren’t hurt as much or that they weren’t caught. 

Your actions have been called into question but you always blamed it on your mental not being all the way there or other things that could commonly cause a strike up in your quirk. But at the end of the day you knew Kai Chisaki and the world knew Overhaul, two different people with two separate sets of emotions. 

[inlovewiththeteachertc]

Saw another crushing student do this challenge, thought I’d give it a go

December TC Challenge

1) what color is your tc’s hair?

Graying dark brown, so salt and pepper I guess. Not too short, not too long. 

2) is your tc married?

No he’s not. I’m pretty sure he’s single. 

3) if yes, do you care? would you do something with them regardless of their marriage?

It would make the situation feel hopeless. I wouldn’t want to be a homewrecker, so no.

4) what’s your worst memory with your tc?

He asked me if we ever discussed religion at home and I said no. I said I was an atheist and that we therefore didn’t talk about it. He said that he’s also an atheist but started talking about the importance to discuss it (he said he did it with his kids). He kept going on about it. I got to see how intense he can be, quite intimidating tbh. 

5) what’s your best memory with your tc?

One time when he was looking at one of my assignments and tested me to see if I thought I had written correctly and I said “I thought so”. I wanted to show myself confident to him. He seemed to really like that and responded with “you thought so?” and smiled. We looked into each others eyes intensely like you do before a kiss (there were other students there though so it didn’t happen). 

6) does anyone in your school know how you feel?

He was my teacher 2.5 years ago. A classmate asked me last year how I thought he was as a teacher. Many in my class disliked him since he was so outspoken and honest (I loved it though lol). The classmate looked at me in an odd way like he could tell I had felt some kind of way about him. I just said “yeah he was alright” not to be too obvious. 

7) does your tc know how you feel?

That’s tricky. He always said I was so friendly. But then again the way I looked at him, blushing etc... Idk. And that moment (question 5). He also seemed disappointed once when I sat next to him and moved my chair a bit further away from his. (Read more about that on my page). Idk if it could sink in to him that such a young woman would be interested in him. Hmmmm....

8) do you think there’s any chance your tc reciprocates your feelings?

Maybe. He seemed to enjoy talking to me and often wanted to know my opinion on things. He seemed to smile a lot around me and spoke kind of softly to me if that makes sense. No clue though. He was very charismatic in general. 

9) are you getting your tc a christmas present? if so, what is it?

No. It would’ve been weird if I did after a few years and before I’ve told him how I feel. 

10) have you ever flirted with your tc?

Yep, in a subtle way. He’s intelligent though, I’m sure he could read signs. 

11) how long have you had a crush on them? what began it all?

It began after two weeks of classes with him (didn’t stop). He was just so charming, funny and charismatic... 

12) do you believe you’ll get over them shortly after you stop taking their class/have the chance to spend time with them?

Lol, 2.5-3 years later and he’s still on my mind. He was unforgettable. 

13) what kind of grades do you get in their class?

Mostly A’s, sometimes B. Worked hard to impress him. English has always been my favorite subject before he was my teacher too. 

14) does your tc ever do any tiny, little things that you adore?

I loved his laugh and smile. The way he joked/teased playfully to see my reaction. The way he stood up for my grades when discussing with other teachers (more about it on my page). His sparkling eyes. How he spoke passionately of things he cared for. 

15) are you their favorite student?

One of his two favorites.

16) do you two share any tastes? movies, books, music, etc.

Some tv-shows. Enjoying movies that make you cry. The lack of popular social media usage lol. Dogs (we own the same breed even). Atheism. Both absolute idiots when it comes to cooking haha.  

17) is your teacher religious?

No.

18) do you masturbate to them?

Let’s not go there xD

19) do you communicate with them outside of school?

Sadly, not yet. Will contact him this year though.

20) do you have any tc songs or songs you relate to your tc? what are they?

An entire playlist. Lots of Ed Sheeran, sleeping at last, Billy Raffoul etc. Both sad and happy love songs. 

21) what’s your favorite thing your tc has said/memory you have with them?

See question 5. 

22) do you plan to continue a relationship with them after you leave school?

I’m planning on contacting him this year. Will ask him out hopefully. I’m nervous.

23) how will you deal during the summer? will you see him/her?

The summer after he wasn’t my teacher anymore felt sad and empty. 

24) does your tc support gay rights?

I couldn’t imagine why he wouldn’t. He’s not extremely traditional. 

25) what class do you have with them? And what period? Do you have them every day?

English. Last lesson on Mondays and last on Fridays, so twice a week. It was lovely to end my school week with his class. It made me happy when going home for the weekend. And knowing I got too see him in a couple of days again.

26) have you ever drifted out during a lecture thinking about them and missed information?

Yeah, I daydreamed a lot about him. I stayed focused for my grade though. 

27) have you stalked them online? what did you find out?

Yes... His age, where he lives, who he lives with, ex girlfriend. Zodiac, birthday. 

28) have you ever run into them outside of schools? what happened?

I saw him once from afar in a parking lot but he didn’t see me.

29) has your tc ever spoken of teacher-student relationships? what did they say?

No. 

30) do you regret telling anyone about your tc? if you’ve kept it a secret, why have you done so?

I’ve told my mom. She doesn’t know just how much I adore him. I don’t regret telling her, but I have to be careful not to say too much. She’s protective. She thinks he’s max 40 years old. Lol he’s not but sure mom.

[doberbutts]

 Okay so this is going to get long and more than a little bit tmi but it’s a post summing up some strides I’ve made regarding my own transgender journey and I wanted a place to talk about it and maybe help some BabyTrans figure themselves out along the way so I’m putting it under the cut but it’ll go here >:V

Anyway long story short my insurance settlement from my car accident finally figured itself out and I found myself suddenly $30k richer and immediately spent about $10k of that digging myself out of a very deep debt hole I’ve been wallowing in for a while so now I have some actual financial stability plus have some money to throw at some things that would probably make my life a bit better.

And since I have the money to throw at some things, I bought myself a few new binders and also a packer. Binders because my old one was literally disintegrating- part of that is my fault, washing binders in an industrial machine on high heat plus throwing it in the dryer means your binder falls apart faster than it should. Remember I’m from the very end of Ye Olden Days of transmasc products, which means previously most binders lasted a year at most. My binder made it 2.5 years before giving up and becoming a sports bra instead. I’ve learned from my mistakes and treat my binder(s) much more gently now, plus I have more than one so I can rotate them out and not wear the same binder 8-12 hours daily for 2.5 years and kill it doing exactly the same shit.

For reference sake, I’m 5′10′’, 180lbs, 36C bust, and fit a XL from gc2b. Which is who I bought both my previous binder and my current set from. They are low cost, lightweight, well made, and LGBT-owned and operated which makes me super into buying from them instead of some of the other companies offering something similar.

Being that I am biracial and finding something my skintone is always somewhat... interesting... I followed the internet’s suggestion and went with PeeCock for the packer. I’d bought a zip binder from them a few years ago and actually found that to be the most comfortable binder I’ve ever used in the history of ever, but I will say the durability of zip binders is low compared to pull-over binders in my experience, as the zipper exploded one day when I bent down to pick up a small dropped item. I’d had the binder and was rotating its use with my pullover gc2b for about 6 months when this happened, and was in public when I went from flat chested to big uncontained tiddies in the span of seconds. Not great. I’ve been told that probably means it was a little too small for me, but PeeCock is a company based in Singapore, and their sizes like most East Asian clothing do run quite a bit small (I was a XXL in PeeCock sizes when I wore a size L gc2b binder) so there’s not really a lot of wiggle room for me to go up in size. Additionally their sizing taps out at XXXL so anyone who’s bigger than me in the chest/torso is a bit out of luck for their binders. A shame, because that zip binder was so comfortable I fell asleep in it forgetting I even had it on more than once.

Anyway. Since I did like that binder even though we had the wardrobe mishap, and the internet had pretty good reviews on the PeeCock packers because they are multifunctional and actually make correct skin tones for black dudes, I got one. Since money wasn’t an issue I did get the most recent model which was not cheap (~$300) and so far I like it a lot. I got so used to wearing it that when I take it off to clean it, it actually really bothers me. The weight of it is... comforting, in a way.

HOWEVER I did see a bunch of reviews about how I would be super likely to pee on myself the first time using it and then used it and went “wow I don’t have any idea what you guys are talking about this is easy” aaaaand... then peed on myself by accident. Gotta control your stream or things are going to overflow and you’re going to be really sad. And wet. And stinky. Thankfully I had the forethought to practice at home before actually doing this at work/public restrooms but be warned. Being that this is my first one I can’t say if this is common with all packers however I told several of my transmasc friends that do pack and use STP about this experience and they all assured me they did the exact same thing on and off for the first couple weeks and most of them do not have the same brand. We’ve yet to have a repeat at least?

Plus there’s a little attachment rod so I can use it for sexy times with the boyf and also feel what I’m doing to him so there’s that too. 10/10 A+ experience would recommend. The packaging warns you to be careful how you pack because of the way the silicone works, and your partner cannot be on top or ride you, so keep that in mind if you’re considering it. Cleaning is pretty straightforward however and packing feels correct and natural as long as you follow a few rules:

I’ve discovered that whatever size you consider a perfect fit? Unless you like really relaxed fit for your pants, you’ll need to go a size up. I wear tighter clothing and usually skinny jeans at that, and my exact perfect size has been 34/32 for some time now. When packing I need to go up to 36/32 because otherwise wow that crotch is way too tight. I can’t sit down in one of my pairs of jeans and I’m legit sad about it. I also can’t have anything in the pockets of a different pair of jeans or else I have the same tight crotch problem. I went up a size in underwear and that was more comfortable, so I ordered new pants from online and I’ll see if that helps as much as I’m expecting it too.

Speaking of underwear, ymmv, but I genuinely did not expect this. Jockstraps? Super comfy, super durable, and super convenient. Additionally unlike boxers or even briefs, I don’t need a special packing-specific design to be comfortable in one. I never wore one before and honestly this doesn’t even feel like wearing underwear. They’re really just a banana hammock anyway so that’s probably a large part of it, but honestly I would definitely recommend trying them if you haven’t yet. I do have a few pairs of packing briefs and boxers, as well as normal briefs and boxers, and I’ve been alternating between the various types of undies to see which ones I prefer, but I already know my decision so I bought several because I can. One word of advice, though... if your pants ride down understand that your entire butt will be out. I don’t wear low rise pants because they draw too much attention to my waistline and make me super dysphoric, but those that do, watch out.

Jockmail is highly rated and multiple transmasc websites recommend them for packing and I can absolutely see why. Usually the waistband of my underwear irritates my skin and so I was dubious because Jockmail stuff- being that it’s for athletic wear- has a minimum waistband of about 2in... but it’s actually more comfortable and less irritating, rather than the other way around. They also have briefs, boxers (more like short shorts), and boxer briefs, which I also have of the same brand, but... not as comfy. Once again Jockmail is a Hong Kong company so like all East Asian clothes, they run small. I’m a M in most men’s clothing sizes... I am XXL in Jockmail. I also had purchased a brief harness from PeeCock (goes by inches for waist) as well. (Also where I discovered you need to go a size up- I bought a 34in waist brief from PeeCock and it’s a tad tight. I bought a 36in waist brief from Jockmail and it’s perfect. I have been buying 34in waist things for the past few years now- I didn’t suddenly gain 2 inches at the waist, I did suddenly gain a need for a deeper crotch)

If you look down your body from above it will be super obvious that there is a dick there and you will go “oh god I look like I have an erection”. I have been reliably informed that it is actually not true and if you pack correctly a bulge will be there but not so obvious that it looks like you have a raging hardon the whole time. Better to look in the mirror, rather than down your tummy.

(Additionally I voiced my doubts to my boyf who immediately reminded me that most people don’t spend their time staring at someone’s crotch and as long as I wasn’t constantly messing with mine, no one was likely to notice even if I did have an obnoxiously obvious bulge. He then gave me some tips on how to let it hang if I wanted a “natural” look, and when we walked around while I had it on he made sure to check in on my mental health. He’s cute y’all.)

Some (cis) guys will have a specific leg they like to let things hang against. Some switch it up. Some are okay with it hanging straight down provided there’s not a lot of squish happening. Find what feel comfortable and needs the least amount of adjustment for you, and then stick with that. For me, I’ve found straight down or off to the left feels better- a friend of mine prefers off to the right, another straight down only, etc. Also can depend on the size- some (cis) guys I know are a bit smaller down below and are more comfortable with straight down than those with larger weiners.

If you pack you probably need to shave. I was very uncomfortable until I shaved. Now I feel much better packing. So trim that jungle or else you might feel a pinch every few minutes when a hair gets pulled.

And there you have me this morning before I got dressed. As you can see, both fit very nicely. I’m not particularly happy with my stomach or feminine hip set but eh, I cover those with layers and no one bats an eye.

At this point it’s figuring out the whole hormones thing, yelling at my insurance to cover certain surgeries, and... fixing some minor details with my wardrobe... and I’m feeling way more confident than I was a few years ago.

Anyway if anyone has questions feel free to hit me up

[felsdumpsterfire]

Pls give us those good sweet headcanons for your fave ships

WHAT- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ANON??? YOU’VE UNLEASHED THE FLOOD GATES

more under the cut because this is going to be a looooong post :D

OK, SO, SO, WE’LL JUST GO IN ORDER BECAUSE WHY NOT???

Protag 1 x Duo

*Duo and Protag 1 would understand each others wants (being treated like a kid/their ages) so they’d totally act like it, they’d be relaxed and super playful with each other*There’s always an air of calm between them when it is just the two of them. *They’re always holding onto something of the others, be it a sleeve or their hand- they’ve been known to cling to the backs of each others shirts too.*The rest of the Protags are super supportive of this- Shuichi, not so much. He finally warms up to the idea when he sees how happy Duo is, but it also takes Protag 2 threatening to rip his balls off and shove them down his throat for him to look past his brother complex for all of 2.5 seconds. *Duo and Protag 1 tend to give each other cheek kisses.*Protag 1 also has a habit of kissing the tips of Duo’s fingers, and though he doesn’t show too much emotion, Duo gets extremely flustered by this.*He got Protag 1 back by giving him one of his coats. *He cried and hugged Duo the entire afternoon after that. *Duo was smiling all day the next day (Shuichi almost had a heart attack-)*It’s one of Portags 1 personal treasures*Protag 1 and Duo had never properly asked each other out, everyone just kinda assumed they were an item off the bat. *Suuuper soft with each other*Protag 1 was devastated at Duo’s betrayal(Protag 1 didn’t eat for three days afterward. Protag 3 had to ask Ded to talk to him because he wasn’t listening to anyone else. *He clung to Duo’s coat the entire time he locked himself in his room.*He’s still sad about it, but he’s working on doing better.*Duo is doing shit*He feels guilty af and shitty af*Protag 1 bought him a little charm of a Ranger and he stares at it for hours on end when he has free time. *Oso tried to tease him for it once and he almost lost an eye*Protag 1 will get random texts from random numbers with messages saying: ‘I’m sorry’, ‘your beautiful’, ‘please don’t leave me behind’ *Protag 1 cries over them from time to time because he knows who it is, but he wished he didn’t. Protag 1 x Robinson*kKJSL;EJLJ*S O F T*I headcanon that this ship cropped up after Duo, but even without that influence, they’d be so FUCKING. SOFT. FOR EACH OTHER. *Robinson and Protag 1 always hold hands. ALWAYS. *That or Robinson will wrap a friendly arm around Protag 1’s shoulders and keep him close*Protag 1 likes to go and spend his allowance on getting clothes for Robinson. *He swears he doesn’t need them but Protag 1 just gives him some puppy eyes and Robinson can’t say no.*Robinson is so whipped for Protag 1*He’s almost shot Sitri because he thought he was trying to put the moves on him. In actuality he was asking him how to ask Protag 2 out, or get her to like him- he just got too close for Robinson’s comfort. *Did shoot Ikitoshi though. He swears it was on accident. It was not. (Iki was teaching Protag 1 some defensive moves when Robinson just…. Shot him in the ass. Bathym couldn’t stop laughing for a week).*Robinson likes to take Protag 1 on little “dates” where they just walk around town while holding hands and talking about their days to each other.*Triton got Robinson a phone and the only person he texts is Protag 1.*Protag 1 is his background photo*Robinson getting excited over his first ever ice cream cone is Protag 1’s background photo. *Protag 1 has exactly 290 photos in his gallery and it’s filled with pictures of his friends and more than half of them are Robinson doing cute shit.*Robinson carries Protag 1 everywhere. Like- he just scoops him up with his little man baby muscle arms and n y o o m- he’s gone.*Robinson is not afraid of PDA. *It almost gave Protag 1 a heart attack the first time Robinson just marched up to him and planted a kiss right on his lips.*That was also their first kiss.*In front of all of the Summoners and Protags*Protag 4 still won’t let him live it down*Robinson will pick random flowers for Protag 1 *Protag 1 has books and books of pressed flowers; he’s saved every single one*Robinson and Protag 1 will lay together in the middle of Protag 1’s room and hold each other hand and simply exist. *Once in awhile they’ll giggle and whisper to each other what they adore about the other. *Robinson loves Protag 1’s giggle and Protag 1 loves Robinson’s eyes. *They are SOFT AND HEALTHY*AND IT THIS TAKES PLACE AFTER THE DUO INCIDENT. DUO IS A DEAD CHILD LDKJFLKJDELF ROBISNON IS OUT FOR BLOOD (AND SMOOCHES)

Protag 2 x Kengo *THESE TWO ARE THE CHAOTIC DUO OF THE DAMN CENTURY.*They love each other so much and it is sickening*Ken isn’t necessarily lovey-dovey; he actually gets super embarrassed about it, even in private*bUT PROTAG 2 HAS SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE THAT SHE’LL JUST,,, STARE AT HIM WITH THESE EYES FULL OF LOVE AS SHE HOLDS HIS HAND AND EVERYONE AROUND THEM ARE LIKE “GET A FUCKING ROOM YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE SHITS.”*Protag 2 has slammed a man to the ground for Kengo because the dumbass thought it would be a good idea to try and steal from Ken. Either way he would’ve been fucked, but Protag 2 is merciless when it comes to loves ones*Ken likes when she compliments his muscles or when she runs her fingers over his arms*Ken actually has a possessive streak*He’ll just pick her up if she’s paying too much attention to someone and walk off (Shiro’s about killed him every time he’s done this in his presence)*Protag 2 loves it*If Oniwaka is in any vicinity near Protag 2 he knows. No one knows how, but he just gets a weird feeling in his gut.*Actually gets waaaaaaay more into PDA when Oniwaka is there. *Has shoved his tongue down Protag 2’s throat in front of everyone when Oniwaka was trying to have a genuine conversation with. She almost passed out*20/10 would do it again despite getting his ass pulverised by Shiro for public indecency*He likes to take her on sparring dates and they just train together the entire time.*Surprisingly good at bra picking, so Protag 2 will drag him to go and pick bras. *He almost flipped when she dragged him into Victoria Secrets.*She likes to tease the ever loving SHIT out of him*He has a very, very big love/hate relationship with it*The first time they did the do Kengo about had an aneurysm because, woah. You have bigger boobs than I thought you did.   *And Protag 2 almost died because she was laughing so damn hard because omg, Ken, you did not just say that out loud. *They almost got caught in the Janitors closet they were in.*And yes they did the dirty for the first time in a damn janitors closet. They’re both impulsive and chaotic bastards, of course they would*Very supportive of each other*Kengo was the first to say “I love you” to Protag 2 because he almost came too late when she was being ganged up on by a group of app users. She almost missed it because she blacked out right afterwards.*She woke up staring at Ken bewildered as he sobbed, and the first thing she asked was: “Did you say you loved me???”*He kissed the fuck out of her because Omg, I thought I was the dumbass in this relationshipOniwaka x Protag 2*Oniwaka swears he’s getting grey hairs because of her. *She straight up tried to fight someone three times her size for him and he almost screamed. *He always gets matching keychains for them, or just keychains that remind him or her.*Protag 2 has taken to buying him plushes and he saves every single one.*She was the one to ask him out and he turned so red. *Then he fainted and Protag 2 started crying because she thought she killed him. *He was the one to initiate the first kiss tho*He set it up so nicely too, peaceful time on the town and ending it with a beautiful picnic under the moonlight; and Protag 2 holds that memory so close to her heart. *Protag 2 will jump on Oniwaka’s back randomly. *At first it freaked him out*But he’s so numb to it now*Called her babe in public once and no one lets him live it down*He was so ready to kill Bathym when he started cackling*Ryota is their biggest shipper*He will go down this ship. Fuck you*So, like, reverse uno from Kengo’s headcanons because Oniwaka is just as bad with PDA when Kengo is around.*The only difference here is that Ken will throw a bitch fit with no hesitation, also Oniwaka is a little more subtle about it*He’ll wrap on arm around her waist and pull her real close, once in a while, if she’s wearing jeans, he’ll slip his hand into her back pocket*Ken just stares at him with all the contempt in the world*Oniwaka has this tendency to step in between Protag 2 and new peopleaBOUT BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SURTUR WHEN HE SAW HIM AGAIN*“YOU’RE THE ASSWIPE WHO HURT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE YOU HUGE HAIRY BITCH.”*They would both 10/10 kill for each other.

Protag 3 x Shinya*OK, OK, OK, OK. THIS IS A CUTE AF SHIP OK??????*YOU CAN PRY THIS ONE FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS*Shinya  and Protag 3 are so soft for each other*They hold hands, and will touch their foreheads together and just*Bask in each other’s presence*Scarily attuned to each other*They don’t even have to say anything. They just know what each other want off the bat*Shinya is a jelly baby (you can also rip this from my cold dead hands)*Shinya will get pouty if Protag 3 is paying attention to someone for too long, or if someone is trying to put the moves on them, he’ll just,,, slide up to Protag 3 and cling to his arm, bat his eyelashes at him, and whisper: “I’m tired…”*He has Protag 3 wrapped around his finger and he KNOWS IT *But he loves him so much that he would never, ever, ever take advantage of their heart or willingness*Cupid loves Protag 3 to death and Shinya has gotten jealous about it because Cupid is not afraid to ask for some smooches ok?*Shinya gets kisses too when this happens*Protag 3 doesn’t get jealous?? Like?????? Ever???????*And Shinya really wished he did because he wants to see alright?? It’d be terrifying or cute as hell ok?*Protag 3 always gets something for Shinya before they go and meet with him.*Protag 3 would D I E for Shinya*The first time they had the intercoarse, Protag 3 couldn’t stop babbling about how beautiful Shinya was and that turned into a bout of passionate love make*This seems like a good time to state that I am a firm believer that they are switches*Shinya made a special drink named after Protag 3*Every Saturday, they go over the the other’s house and watch movies all night*They have fairly moderate PDA*They’re always touching each other in some way*Cheek and hand kisses are extremely common between them *They are very much in love and very much soft with each other*I LOVE THIS SHIP SO MUCH ;-;

Protag 4 x Toji*No one knows how they got together*NO ONE*NOT EVEN TOJI*In actuality Protag 4 just kinda built up to it, got Toji where he wanted him and B O O M. They’re dating now*Toji is easily flustered and Protag 4 thrives off of this *Protag 4 is quite protective of Toji*This leads to some arguments, but they never really have big, relationship-threatening arguments.*Which is surprising*Protag 4 is prone to showering Toji is gifts*Toji treasures them all, but this is a simplistic boi and too much stuff makes his head reel*Protag 4 is terrified that Toji is going to ask where he got all that money from *Toji doesn’t because Toji is kinda dense some times*They like to talk about books together*They’re dates consist of going to the library, reading books, going to a cafe and then discussing them*Protag 4 loves to play with Toji’s hair*Sometimes they’ll just go to Protag 4’s room and listen to his playlist that he had saved from his previous life and close their eyes and maybe fall asleep*Very relaxed around each other*Toji also likes to play with Protag 4’s hair in return and will do so when Protag 4 lays his head on Toji’s lap while he’s reading a book or reports*Protag 4 and Toji don’t actually have a lot of PDA in their relationship*Sometimes Protag 4 will text Toji in the middle of the night because the feeling of wandering hand is on his skin again and he feels like he’s on the verge of a mental break down*Drags Toji to try on clothes*Toji almost choked when Protag 4 came out in a form fitting dress*They had sex while Protag 4 wore that dress.*Toji is still embarrassed to this day when he sees that dress*They love each other a lot they just don’t say it*A surprisingly relaxed relationshipProtag 4 x Ophion*Protag 4 is a PRINCESS OK?*Ophion and him will go for flies through the night sky and Protag 4 loves it*He wears every single thing that Ophion gets him*His closet is fucking full of clothes and he is L I V I N G*Him and Ophion have a shit ton of intelligent and philosophical conversations*Ophion rubs it in the other Tycoons’ faces that him and Protag 4 are together*Ophion aslo fucking PREENS when Protag 4 gets into one of his moods where he just showers him in compliments and runs his hands up and down Ophion’s waist and chest. *Protag 4 has cried in front of Ophion and Ophion held him and whispered sweet nothings to him and Protag 4 couldn’t help but whisper that he loved him and *Ophion just smiled and hugged him closer to his chest**Slams fists on table* OPHION AND PROTAG 4 ROLEPLAY. THEY ROLEPLAY A DRAGON WHO KIDNAPPED A PRINCESS AND THEY DO IT W E L L.*Ophion will buy Protag 4 anything he wants in a blink of an eye with no hesitation*Protag 4 actually feel super secure with Ophion and it genuinely scares him*But he loves him so he’s going to try*Ophion will wait a lifetime and more for Protag 4*Very soft and pompous relationship right here. They’re so fucking in love you might as well barf

Protag 5 x Zao*This is another GOOD ONE OK?*They both love hiking and the outdoors and they’re both socially awkward and they’re both in love*Fucking perfect*Zao likes to carry Protag 5 and they get super flustered about it*Protag 5 will make sure that Zao doesn’t go too far into the mountains and reminds him about school that they still go to*Zao likes to pick up pretty stones for Protag 5 and give them to them*They have a whole ass collection of them at this point*Protag 5 holds onto Zao’s hand when they get nervous*Zao would beat a whole man’s skull in if they even breathed near Protag 5*Zao and Protag 5 nerd out of different plants and animals*Protag 5 has a camera that they take with them when they go hiking*Zao is so, so, so gentle with Portag 5 when they go out on dates*Like, no matter where they go Zao is happy to be with Protag 5*Protag 5 kissed Zao’s cheek for the first time and Zao almost imploded*They both ended up on the floor covering their faces with their hands and were beet red *Protag 5 and Zao go to this little run down cafe tucked away in the corner of the street and they’ll sit there for hours just talking and laughing quietly to each other all while holding each other’s hand across the table, their palms sweaty, but do they care? NO*THEY’RE IN LOVE OF COURSE THEY DON’T CARE*Zao almost murdered a couple of punk ass thugs because they were being a dick to Protag 5 and he was not having it*They were lucky Protag 5 was there otherwise they would be dead.*Sometimes Zao stares at Protag with stars in his eyes, amazed because they’re together. He always thought that he only loved the mountains. And then Protag 5 came around and blew it out of the water*Zao was the first to tell them that he loved themIt was a quiet night, just staring up at the stars, when Zao took their hand and squeezed. He looked at them with a soft smile, “I love you so much, my mountain.”*Protagonist 5 started crying and chaos ensued *WHOLESOME SHIP, OK?????? WHOLESOME

[fieldfullofbangtan]

bts imgn: taking care of them when they are drunk (friends)

holy poop this is my first ever imagine and it is WAY too long im gonna try to make it shorter in the future lol

(also im taking requests! so send emmmm)

requests are open!

✎ masterlist

SeokJin

Jin would call you at 3am asking you to pick him up from a bar. You knew that the boys sometimes went out to grab a drink but this time Jin was alone which was weird. He didn’t- or couldn’t say much more than just “(Y/N) please can you come pick me up? Im at the usual place...”. 

When you got there he sat outside on a bench napping, you had to pretty much carry him to the car. He crashed at your place cause you thought him getting drunk might be because of some fight he had with the others. When he woke up he explained.

“Did I puke?”

“God I hope not...” you say worried looking around.

“Sorry... The bar had a drink called unicorn poop and it tasted like cotton candy and I think we all had one too many so the boys left without noticing I went to the bathroom...”

Just as he finished that sentence the front door busts open and 6 men run inside looking scared shitless. When they spot Jin on the couch they all sigh in relief.

“Thank god...”

( vv him being groggy af in the morning vv )

Namjoon

Namjoon can drink, everybody knows that. He is usually the one who acts the most sober and takes care of the others. But you’re not that bad of a drinker yourself. A few cocktails and a few shots is no biggie. So when you all went out one night Jin and Suga had to bring the lightweights home because they were all basically asleep 2.5  hours in. 

You and Namjoon were just beginning though. After another 1.5 hours of dancing and drinking your feet started to hurt and the music was getting too loud. You walk around to try to find Joon but he is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly somebody hugs you from behind. Getting ready to headbutt whatever creep is behind you, he says

“Can we go home now pleaaaase” 

You laugh at how dorky Joon is being. He’s only like this is he’s wasted. He becomes a 9 year old boy who has abandoment issues.

“Sure but you will need to let me go cause I can’t move when you are hugging me like this” you say as you laugh.

“Fine...” he says as he pouts.

The club is walking distans to their dorm so you decide to just walk with him and crash there. The 15 minute walk is filled with corny dad jokes, waves of compliments and occasional deep thoughts. You even have to save him from walking into a few lamp posts and poles.

Waking up at their dorms the day after you see a message on your phone. 

Namjoon 9:30

- we had to leave early for practice this morning but we left you some Doenjang soup. thanks for a fun night out and if you tell anyone about how drunk i was last night you are no longer allowed to borrow my clothes. ily :)

(vv you are yoongiiii vv)

Yoongi

You hear someone knocking at your door at 12pm. The smart thing to do is grab a frying pan and hide in the closet, but this is not the first time something like this has happened. Yoongi has a tendency to drink when he is feeling down and with the holidays coming up, the possibility of him not being able to spend it with his family usually gets to him. The sloppy, barely audible knocks also point to it being a drunk Yoongi.

Opening the door he is looking at his feet, hair covering his face. 

“Come in...” 

“Im sorry you always have to deal with me when I’m like this...” he mumbles.

He couldn’t really talk about it with the others because they are most likely just as upset or stressed. It would just end in 7 grown men drinking their sadness away together.

You don’t say much. You grab a beer, a bottle of water and a few blankets from your couch and drag him with you up to the roof of your apartment buildning. Thankfully it’s not freezing cold out and your hoodie plus a few layers of blankets is just enough to warm you. You sit down on the ground, not too far in the distans you can see the skyscrapers of Seoul and above you a clear, star-filled sky. This is where you always go when you feel down. Nothing can make your problems seem small better than skyscrapers and stars. 

Yoongi reaches for the bottle of beer when you swat his hand away.

“That is for me.” “This” ... you give him the water bottle ... “is for you”.

Yoongi sighs but takes the waterbottle and opens it to drink some. 

The rest of the night you talk about everything and nothing, you make him promise to call you if he ever feels bad enough to repeat this and when the clock reaches 3am, Jin calls and convinces Yoongi to go back to the dorms. He hugs you goodbye and holds you a little longer than usual giving you a kiss on the forehead.

“Thank you (Y/N), I owe you” 

Hoseok

Partying with J-hope always ends badly. He has a lot of fun without alcohol, so imagine him drunk. Yea he has way too much fun. He will dance too hard and spill someone’s drink, which leads to a fight. Maybe hit on someone’s girlfriend, which leads to a fight. Once he thought some other guy was Jungkook and playfully slapped him on the head, when the random dude turned around he pointed at someone else, which lead to a fight.

Usually the others can calm situations like that down, but in your case when drinking with hoseok alone, the goal was to stop those situations before they even started. 

“Heyyyy that guy looks like Donald Trump” Hoseok slurrs.

“What? Who? Nobody here it over 30...” you look around confused.

“Him over there! With the orange hair!” he says amused.

“Hoseok Donald Trump has orange skin not orange hair boi get your disses right”

“HEY, HEY DONALD!!” he yells at the guy.

“HOSEOK WTF” you whisper-shout as you cover his mouth.

The guy and his entire entourage looks at us confused as Hosoek waves happily at them. 

“Why are you always trying to get beaten up????” 

Jimin

Jimin sometimes drink too much and it can be because he feels a lot of pressure and alcohol can help relieve that. You followed them to Japan, their first world tour destination, to see the show and they were able to book you a hotel room in the same hotel as them. 

After eating dinner with all of them in Joon and Yoongis room they all wanted to sleep earlier because of the concert the next day but Jimin and Jungkook said you could hang a little longer with them by the bar.

Jungkook left after one beer but Jimin stayed with you. When you finished your first drink Jimin was already on his third. You could notice that he was feeling the alcohol because he smiled a little bit more and spoke a little less clearly

“You have a long day tomorrow Jimin, I think you should go to bed” you say slightly worried about his hangover tomorrow.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be able to sleep anyways...” Jimin says with a sad smile.

“Hm?” you look at him for an explanation.

“My anxiety hits the roof right before a concert, I have so many people I need to make proud and I will never be good enough for them...” he drinks what’s remaining in his glass. “I never feel like I’m enough compared to the others, you know?” his eyes start tearing up.

Your heart sinks and you pull him into a hug. “Don’t be stupid, everybody loves you and all your flaws. They don’t expect you to be perfect, they expect you to be human.” You grab his shoulders and push him up from your embrace, staring at him. “Your gonna go to bed, do your best tomorrow, and even if you mess up or don’t think you did well enough, you will still be loved by millions. I promise.”

He smiles and nods, he grabs your hand from his shoulders and says

“Comon’, let’s go to bed”

Taehyung

Taehyungs drunk stages are -a little extra hyper-, to - yelling alot-, to -wearing his shoes on his hands and telling everybody his deepest darkest secrets-, then waking up and remembering nothing.

In this case during you night out, he had told you some hella weird stuff like him having an ice kink, him having a sex dream about you, and that he likes whipped cream more that anything in the world... 

This definitaly scarred you since you see Tae as a brother so you felt like giving him some payback. Since he crashed at your place you knew exactly how. You went into the kitchen and grabbed an ice cube, you walked to the counch where he was sleeping and started to rub the ice cube against his face. 

“Mm- Huh?” He opened his eyes and stared at you slightly disturbed.

“Good morning taeee ~” you sing.

“Why the ice cube...” he looked at you suspiciously.

You just stared right back at him smirking.

“Oh no... what more did I say last night...”

Jungkook

Jungkook can sometimes be a bit of a lightweight. Now he can drink beer or wine just fine. But if its mixed drinks or shots, the boy can and will blackout.

“SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT EVERYBOOODY”

“Jungkook it’s 10pm... there’s like 13 people in this club...”

“Comonnnn pleaase just take a shot with me....”

He has already had a beer and three shots and you don’t feel like carrying his unconscious body back to the dorms. You know you would get yelled at by the others since you promised them to take it easy with the maknae. But knowing drunk Kookie, he is not going to let up.

“Fine. I’ll take shots with you right after I use the restroom ok? Wait here.”

He nods happily and starts to do something on his phone. You make sure he is not paying attention and go to the other end on the bar. The other bartender looks at you waiting for your order and you ask him to fill 2 shotglasses with water as you point to Jungkook. He nods and chuckles a little. Probably not his first time getting asked that.

You see him pat Jungkook on the shoulder as he points to something, when he is distracted the bartender replaces the two shot glasses nearest him with the glasses with water. He tells Jungkook nevermind and retreats.

“Ok let’s do this!” You tell him coming back from the “restroom”.

“WOO!” he yells as you clink your glasses together and drink the water.

“Wow I must be drunkk cause that tasted like water!” he says happily and starts to drag you to the dance floor.

“I’ve got a long night ahead of me...”

[thecatladyknits]

where am i

i honestly could not remember when i last posted something, like actual my own words and not just reblogging sad shit.

the closing was a fucking mess. since we were moving to another county an hour away, we had a mobile notary come to our apartment and we signed the papers on feb 21. he was supposed to overnight them to the title agency. they called us the next day and said the paperwork was delayed due to the storm (which had been like 3 weeks gone at that point) and blew us off that it would be fine to wait until monday. 

D literally SCREAMED at them that they would be subject to a lawsuit bc delaying the closing would have resulted in us losing the house due to not meeting the signed agreement with the sellers. we fucking ran to get a rental car and drove 90 minutes in the rain to the title agency to sign the papers in person a second time and stayed there until they expedited everything, just barely making all the deadlines on a friday afternoon.

we moved on the 25th but the movers were 3 hours late. not sure if it was a miscommunication or they were just very late, but they didn’t apologize or anything. literally thought we were going to get fucked for the 900th time. 

it’s been about 6 weeks since we’ve been in the house. i still like it better than the apartment, but there are a lot more issues than were visible during the sale process.

the downsides:

a lot of the upgrades done to sell the place are shoddy. sloppy paint, floor edgings are not nailed down, and so on. irritating, but not world ending.

we can’t use the woodburning stove bc the smokestack/tube thing in the attic or whatever is degraded and the inspector said it would need to be replaced.

the house has had only functional upgrades since it was built in 1985, so my office and the laundry are these ugly accordion doors. i knew about them when we bought, obviously. but i guess i didn’t realize how truly not soundproof or even sound-reducing they are.

the house is absolutely FREEZING. it’s built on a concrete slab and built into a hill so the entire back wall is solid concrete. there is no carpeting anywhere. the house sat empty for 18 months with the heat at like 50 the entire time and there was record-breaking snowstorm/freezing temps in early february. our heating bill after like 2.5 weeks (weird cycle) was over $100. i am dreading the next bill.

the heating vents are only in 3 weird places. there’s no vent in my office or our bedroom so we have to keep the doors open so the heat can permeate the house.

due to all the above, i have to keep my office doors and bedroom door open so i don’t freeze. which is a problem for noise, bc if D is watching TV while i’m working or trying to sleep (i go to bed earlier), it’s a noise issue.... which we have been having problems with for the last year and it’s been detrimental to our relationship (sigh).

the upsides:

the house will probably stay pretty cool in the summer. since we have no AC (it’s not common here, weird change from the midwest), that will be nice. we had a very, very sweaty summer last year. 

tons more space!

tons of storage!

i have my own office / craft / storage room!! so does D!! 

the yard (well, more like ‘land’ since it’s mostly trees) is awesome and i put out 2 bird feeders... all kinds of birds AND hummingbirds and bumblebees are visiting and it is so tranquil

random stuff left behind that made me weirdly pleased, like a cute, small pyrex bowl and extra flooring and edging pieces in the utility room.

there are more upsides, i swear, i am just struggling and tired rn and i wanted to post something. 

the... neutral sides?:

we have both lived in apartments and condos for the last like 10 years. and even though we’re on a 2.5 acre lot in the woods almost at the end of dead-end private road... it feels weirdly like we are exposed. anyone can drive up the driveway and just knock on the front door directly instead having to buzz in and give us some warning. also the front of the house is 3 huge windows, front doors are clear windows and there’s a sliding door so basically you could walk up and just see everything inside almost immediately. we are putting up some curtains at the very least.

i have lots of ideas for home improvements and i’m excited about them. at the same time, most of those are really just preference and cosmetic choices, the house is fine and livable. there’s no pressure to spend lots of money immediately to do a fix a bunch of stuff

[pcttrailsidereader]

My Top Three Hardest Days on the Trail

Kathleen ‘Token’ Neves was one of the PCTA’s P3 hikers in 2018.  Kathleen tells me that the 3 ‘p’s stand for PROTECT, PRESERVE, and PROMOTE. “As a P3 Hiker, I acted as an ambassador for the trail along my thru-hike and helped represent the PCTA,” Kathleen continued.

In her other life, she has been an avid yoga teacher in the Seattle area for many years.  “It was through yoga where I discovered my real passion for hiking. It started with my first Rim to Rim hike in the Grand Canyon. Next thing I know, on the plane ride home, I decided I wanted to hike the PCT,” Kathleen continued.  You can see her entire blog at http://www.kathleenlovesyoga.com/

PCT over the last four months has been an amazing experience. I’ve adapted to a whole new way of living life out here, learned a lot about myself, overcome numerous fears, developed friendships I’ll have for a lifetime and pushed myself mentally and physically beyond any limits I’ve ever put on myself before. The PCT has changed my life in ways I’d never imagined it could or would.

I’ve had numerous amazing experiences out here and I’ve had some not-so-amazing experiences. As with off-trail life, you have your good days and your bad days. On social media, it’s common for people to only talk about the good stuff they experience on the PCT – beautiful sunrises/sunsets, epic tentsites, the incredible views, other cool hikers, tasty food on trail/in town or trail magic along the way. But what about the not so good stuff?

When you hike 15-20+ miles a day for over four months, bad days are inevitable. When sharing my PCT thru-hiking experience, I think it’s important to talk about it all – the good, the bad and the really tough days. Since starting my PCT thru-hike back in April, three really tough days stand out as my absolute hardest out here so far.

Tough Day #1: Day 54 – Mount Whitney/Whitney Portal

When most PCT thru-hikers take the alternate 17 mile route to Mount Whitney, they camp the night before at either the Crabtree Meadow Ranger Station or Guitar Lake and slack pack up to Whitney, bringing only water and snacks with them to the top and leave the rest of their belongings at camp. After hiking up to Whitney, they come back down, breakdown camp and head back to the PCT.

My trail family didn’t do that. Instead, we brought all of our stuff up with us to the junction of Whitney and the Whitney Portal. We left our packs at the junction, hiked up the 1.9 miles to Whitney and then came back to the junction to retrieve our packs. Then instead of going back down the way we came like most other PCT hikers, we went up, over and down the Whitney Portal towards Lone Pine.

Coming down the Whitney Portal was brutal. There was ice to cross over multiple times – I was the only one in the group who had microspikes. There were 99 switchbacks to navigate down. It was the longest 8 miles I’ve ever had to hike. Since we had such a long day, we didn’t take many breaks and hardly ate any food. Hiking up Whitney was hard enough, but coming down was even harder. I had two breakdowns – one when I reached the top of Whitney and one coming down the portal after I realized we still had another five miles to go.

The silver lining in the day was knowing there was a McDonalds in Lone Pine we could have dinner at. Once I meal planned in my head what I’d eat when we got there, I was able to stop crying and focus on getting myself down those last five miles. Seriously, it was McDonalds that saved the day and got me off that mountain. Now whenever I think of Mount Whitney, the first thing that comes to mind is, “Never Again!”

Tough Day #2: Day 63 – Bear Ridge Trail to VVR (in the dark)

My second hardest day on trail was on my sixth day of being in the High Sierra all alone. I ended up hiking 25.8 miles on this day, making it the most physically challenging day in the Sierra section so far.

Mentally, it was hard because quite frankly, I was tired, dirty and lonely. I had spent the last week all by myself hiking up and down multiple passes, having to cross snowfields on most of them. I hadn’t had a shower in six days, ran out of clean clothes, had run out of DEET and was being eaten alive by mosquitoes, had to ford multiple creeks and rivers all by myself, was lonely from having to camp by myself each night and hadn’t had cell service so couldn’t let my friends and family know of my whereabouts. On top of it all, I knew I still had one more pass to make it over and one more big river to ford before heading off trail for a Zero Day.

Even though I had seen some of the most amazingly beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen in my life, I was ready to get off trail for a day, talk to other people and eat food that didn’t require boiling water to cook.

Originally, I was going to hike to the ferry dock for Vermillion Valley Resort (VVR), take the ferry across the lake and then hitch five miles down the road to Mono Hot Springs where I would spend my Zero Day the next day. When I stopped for lunch that day, a group of hikers suggested I skip the ferry and take the Bear Ridge Trail down instead. They said it would only be a five mile hike into VVR and that if it got dark, they’d camp along the way and I was welcome to join them.

I hit the junction for the Bear Ridge Trail at around 7pm. The sun was starting to go down, but I decided to take my chances and keep going. I figured if it got too dark, I’d meet up with the other hikers and camp with them.

It got dark quickly, especially in the forested areas on the trail. I picked up my hiking pace, got my headlamp out, turned it on and made a deal with myself – I’d stop at the first tent I saw on trail and camp for the night.

As soon as I turned on my headlamp and started hiking again, I slipped on a rock, fell to my chest and snapped one of my trekking poles in half. I was sad about my trekking pole, but realized the trekking pole had stopped me from sliding face first into a tree. I got up, dusted myself off and kept going down the trail.

I never did see anyone camped along the trail as I hiked down. I don’t know what was more scary – hiking in the dark by myself or realizing I was the only person hiking the trail, in the dark! I made it down to the trailhead well after dark.

At the trailhead, I was still another 2.5 miles from VVR. Even though Mono Hot Springs was my ultimate destination for my Zero Day the next day, I wanted to get to VVR so I could camp that night with other people around and have plenty of time to get a hitch down to Mono Hot Springs in the morning.

Down the 2.5 mile road walk in the pitch dark black I went. I was so creeped out, I started playing music outloud on my phone, in hopes of scaring any animals away. I kept thinking something was behind me, but it was only the full moon shining on everything in its path.

After hiking over 25 miles for the day, at around 10:30, I walked into VVR. I was immediately greeted by a group of other hikers gathered around a campfire. They introduced themselves, showed me where the flushed toilets were, where I could set up my tent and let me know when and where breakfast would be in the morning. I was so relieved this day was finally over, I cried at the campfire in front of the other hikers. I was so exhausted, I didn’t even care. The tough day was now behind me.

Tough Day #3: Day 127 – Goat Rocks to White Pass Reroute

Goat Rocks was a section of the PCT I had been looking forward to doing. I’d seen countless pictures of other PCT hikers on this section and was excited to see the views with my own eyes.

The day before doing the Goat Rocks section, it had been overcast and the clouds above looked like they might bring rain. Grit and I made a collective decision to camp down low in a forested area so we’d have some protection, just in case it rained. Our decision was a good one because it was cold and rained all night. In the morning, there was still plenty of fog, but the sun was peeping out in spots. We took our chances, packed up camp and headed up the mountain.

The higher I climbed, the colder the temperature got. I had all my clothing layers – fleece, raincoat, puffy, leggings and gloves on because it was so freakin cold. The fog also seemed to get thicker. It was as if I was hiking up into a cloud. I could barely see in front of me because the fog was so thick.

As I climbed closer to the top, I had two pretty decently sized snowfields to cross. Even though the fog was thick all around me, I could still manage to see the pretty steep drop off below me. One slip, one fall and it would be a slick and steep ride down.

After the snowfields, I had to make a decision – stay on the PCT (the stock route) or take the Old Snowy route where I’d have to scramble my way to the top to see the epic views along the knife edge portion of the mountain. Since I was surrounded by fog, I stayed on the PCT. Turns out the PCT was quite challenging. The rocks were slick and it was still a long way down if I were to slip.

I’m not afraid of heights, but hiking Goat Rocks made me feel like I was. Sometimes the fog would open up just to let enough sunlight in and show me how high I was and how steep of a drop it was on the way down. This entire section of the trail was covered in loose rocks and had numerous steep ups and steep downs. It was incredibly cold and windy up there. I had to keep moving in order to keep my body temperature up and the shivers at bay. Half way through this section, about two miles in, I was ready for my hiking for the day to be over.

At the bottom of Goat Rocks, the PCT was closed due to multiple wildfires in the area. We were then rerouted on another series of trails coming down from Goat Rocks and into White Pass. Since it was a reroute on multiple trails, no one seemed to know exactly how long the reroute was or what the elevation gain/loss might be. A couple SoBos had told us the night before that the reroute would mainly be all down for us heading north. They were wrong. Very wrong.

For the first mile, the reroute did head down. After we passed the first campsite on the trail, we started to climb. The first climb was steep and long. Parts of the trail were crumbly with loose rock and most of this section was exposed in the hot sun. Once I made my way to the top, caught my breath and said a few choice words, I could see the two wildfires burning nearby. I could also see back to Goat Rocks. The fog had lifted completely. It was now clear blue, sunny skies over the entire section. I was so bummed. I’d been robbed of the views I’d been looking forward to seeing. I had to keep moving north if I wanted to get into town that night.

The best part of the reroute were the views. Now that the fog and clouds had burned off, I could see multiple lakes below and Mount Rainier off in the distance. Those beautiful views came with a tough and steep price. All along the reroute, the trail had numerous climbs up and steep hikes down. It never flattened out for very long. The trail itself was thin, filled with loose rock, crumbly and even overgrown with bushes and plants in some places. It was a difficult trail to travel on and forced me to slowdown my hiking pace.

A couple hours into the reroute, I became hellbent on making it into town that evening. I was tired, dirty, thirsty and hungry. I didn’t want to spend another night on trail, especially this hellacious reroute. So I kicked it in high gear and went as fast as I could, not stopping for breaks or to filter/refill my water. Since I had no idea how long the reroute was to town, it felt like the trail was never going to end. I’d climb up to the top of something and then down the other side, through several densely forested areas, having to climb up and down and up again.

At one point, I could start to hear a nearby highway. I got excited because I knew I must have been getting close to the end. At this time, it was also starting to get dark out. Soon I’d have to get my headlamp out to see and if I got to the highway too late, no one would stop to pick me up and give me a ride into town.

I saw a forest boundary line, getting even more excited about how close I must be getting to the end until I saw the fast moving creek right after the sign. My heart sank. It was like the Universe was testing me to see how bad I wanted to go into town that evening. There was no bridge going over the creek. It was starting to get pretty dark and the wind had picked up. There was a sketchy log that went halfway across the creek, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough crossing over the log and jumping off to the other side with my pack on. Desperate to get into town, I sat down on the rocks, took my shoes off, pulled my leggings up to my knees and walked my ass across the creek. Since it was getting dark, it was hard to see just how deep the creek was where I was crossing it. Halfway across, I fell into the creek up to my thighs, getting my leggings soaked in the cold water.

As soon I got across to the other side and out of the water, I didn’t have time to wipe my feet off. I stuffed my wet feet into my dry socks and shoes and moved my soaked leggings all the way down my legs. I got my headlamp out and scrambled my way on down the trail towards the highway. Only the trail didn’t go down. It was a steep half-mile climb up towards the road.

By the time I got to the highway, I was shivering, out of breath and the sun had set, making it dark out. I watched as the occasional car sped up and down the mountain highway. It would be a three mile road walk up into town. There wasn’t a big enough shoulder to walk along the highway safely in the dark. The chances of someone seeing me hitching on the highway or picking me up for that matter were slim to none. Feeling defeated, I could feel the tears form in my eyes as I slowly walked back down the trail.

My only option at this point was to pitch my tent somewhere along the trail so I could get back up to the highway first thing in the morning and hopefully get a hitch into town. Since the trail was such a steep incline, there wasn’t a flat spot to camp at close to the highway. The flattest spot available would be literally right on trail.

As I started to take my tent out of my pack, I saw a set of headlights from the highway. A car had pulled over to the side of the road! Desperate, I left my pack and tent and ran up to the highway with my headlamp still on. When I reached the highway, I saw the car on the side of the road, but was too scared to approach it. Instead, I turned my back to the car and pretended to read the fire closure notices at the trailhead.

“Are you hiking the PCT?” asked the male voice coming from the car. I smiled, turned around and screamed, “Yes!”

“Do you want a ride into town?”

“I’d LOVE a ride! Let me go grab my stuff.”

I ran down the trail, stuffed my tent back into my pack, threw my pack on my back and ran towards the car. In normal situations, I’d be more cautious by getting a good look at the driver before hopping in for a hitch, but I figured nothing could be worse than having to sleep on a slope, in the middle of the trail, in my tent, on a cold night with wet leggings. Town was only three miles away!

Luckily for me, the hitch turned out to be harmless. He was getting ready to start his section hike from White Pass to Trout Lake – and he was from Seattle. What are the odds?

As we drove up the highway, I gave him detailed scoop about the reroute, in-between thanking him repeatedly for giving me a ride into town.

He dropped me off at the Kracker Barrel, the town’s local convenience store/gas station where I thanked him one more time and said goodbye. Kracker Barrel was closed for the evening so I walked behind the building, ready to set up my tent at the first safe place I could find. As I looked at the back of the building, to my right I could see the lit up sign on the building next door that said, “Lodging” After the day I had, I would have paid anything for a room for the night.

I immediately walked next door and rented a room for the evening. In this magical and well-earned room,  I would take a warm shower, soak my feet in Epsom salt, heat up one of my hiker trash meals in the room’s microwave and eat candy in a warm, clean bed while I watched “Purple Rain” on TV until 2:30 in the morning. A perfect ending to an incredibly tough day.

[helpingmehelpmyself]

Things I Used to Enjoy- March 29, 2021

Gosh, I have so many things going through my head. I miss the days I was able to daydream, read fanfiction, and watch television. I remember the day would go by and I would question where the time went. But it felt like self care to me then and I enjoyed it. Now it feels like a useless distraction that no longer serves its purpose. 

I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I love fanfiction (particularly, Teen Wolf sterek fanfiction. I can also ship steter, starrish, and stackson. I believe they can all compliment Stiles well). I would squeel while reading and get excited every time I found a new fanfiction that fits my criteria. Sometimes I have good days in which I can read fanfiction and fall into the story.

I used to love daydreaming. My imagination is basically a fanfiction with ten or so fandoms running around with some cannon and non-cannon storylines. I liked falling asleep to my daydreams or staring at the wall while I daydreamed. I considered writing my daydreams down and turning them into a fanfiction for Ao3, but part of it feels personal. This is a world I have written and rewritten so many times since I was... 16, maybe? It’s easier to rewrite or follow through a storyline in my head than it is to write it down and focus on details that I never really focused on before. If your curious, my daydream fanfictions include the following fandoms: Teen Wolf, Scandal, Glee, Twilight, The Gentlemen, and Crazy Rich Asians. Occasionally, Beyonce’s Homecoming special and other things will make an appearance. I include most characters from these programs and create some OC’s in my head that have nothing to do with the other fandoms. Sometimes I’ll pluck someone from another place, like Carrie from Sex & The City but combine her with Isabel from Glee and mix up her storyline, or create a character with the appearance of a famous actor, like the original Mr. Fantastic actor.

I loved music. I could listen to music all day and enjoy myself. Sometimes it was the soundtrack to my imagination or I’d have some of my characters sing the songs I was listening to. I would listen to the same songs on repeat and create scenes with them and sometimes I’ll be able to add new music to the mix. If I wanted to listen to an album, I’d sit/lay down in my room and focus on nothing but the album. If there was an artist I liked and wanted to explore more of, I would go through their entire Spotify history and listen to every song at least once. I’d add it to my Liked Songs playlist because I am crap at creating playlists (minus the Boudoir playlist I made last year for my photoshoot, but that’s another story). Almost every song I have ever liked is on my Liked Songs. I think I have over a thousand songs on there, which is pretty decent. I kind of know where every song is located when it’s organized by Recently Added. Minus screamo, heavy metal, gangsta rap, underground music or electronic music, I listened to a little of everything. I loved Glee, Hamilton, Meg the Stalion, Kendrick Lamarr, the Civil Wars, early Taylor Swift, American Authors, Secondhand Serenade, G-Eazy, Mulatto, Into the Heights, Moana, Victorious, I could go on. Every song plays a part of my history and I love expanding it.

I can’t really do those things the same anymore and I wish I could. Writing fanfiction sounds like it could be a possibility for me because most of my life, I wanted to be a writer or be an editor. The fear of financial security made me switch to a business major and it didn’t make things any easier I find. I guess more approving nods from other adults about my choice in degree was a plus.

I can’t focus on my own daydreams anymore. It used to give me so much joy but it also reflected my emotions: horny, sad, in love, etc. The fact that I was able to create worlds that don’t exist to anyone but me made me happy. Sometimes when I wanted to be closer to God, I’d even deepen the relationship of some of my characters with God. 

Music doesn’t sound the same anymore. I can’t focus to the point of slipping into happiness often.

I did have a good day the day before yesterday. I decided that maybe listening to the song that always lifted my spirits in the past, whether they needed lifting or not, would help. My song is “Do You Believe in Magic” by Aly & AJ. I don’t know what it is about that song but when I first heard it on Disney Channel when I was little for the movie, Now You See It. Something about that song was and still is special. I was able to sing horribly to the song. I was watching Freaky Friday that day and remembered how much Ultimate by Lindsey Lohan rocked. I was able to listen to that song and daydream a totally new scenario for my mental fanfiction characters. There was so much happiness and positivity in the scene.

That same day, when night fell, I felt so sad I made myself sick and was gagging in the toilet. I convinced myself not to make myself throw up because I don’t want that to become a habit. I don’t want to mentally make myself sick and think that throwing up every time will fix me. I felt like shit for hours later, but I was glad that I didn’t throw up. I knew I was in a bad enough position that I needed company. 2/3 of my best friends and one of their boyfriends showed up at my place, late at night and stayed with me for hours. We’d talk about the issues that were plaguing my mind and about 2 of them moving into a new apartment together. 

I went back and forth from lying in the bathroom and lying in my bed. I don’t know why but whenever I was sick growing up, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel better. I know it is unsanitary and gross, but you get to a point that you don’t care. The bathroom has always felt safe for me. I still remember the first time I did it. My mom, brother, and I lived in an apartment about 20-30 minutes away from where we live now. I was getting ready for school one day and I guess I didn’t feel good. I laid down on the bathroom floor and that’s how my mom found me. She knew that this little 5 or 6 year old that never complained about school wasn’t faking anything. I think after that point, my mom became pretty trusting of me whenever I said I can’t go to school. Whether I was physically sick or needed a mental health day, she let it happen. I didn’t practice this often until I was junior high and high school, but it helped knowing my mom would let me take care of myself however I saw fit. I think she also didn’t want to have to keep taking off of work to pick me up from school.

The issues that brought me to tears were my boyfriend, the love of my life. I have only dated one boy before him. That was back in high school and I liked that I had a boyfriend more than I actually liked my boyfriend. We had been friends for years and were in speech and debate together. I asked him to my prom and, due to a misunderstanding, he never replied. When we realized the misunderstanding, he asked me to his prom (We went to two different schools) which was fun. It was at a country club, his parents had dinner catered to their house for us (very successful accountants) and we got some cute pictures from that night. I found myself bored with the relationship and knew ending it wouldn’t affect my quality of life within that moment. So I did. Now he is happily out as gay with his partner of 3 years and starting Harvard Law in the fall. I kind of like that fact and it made it easier to be friends with him on Facebook and Instagram again.

But back to my current boyfriend, the boy I didn’t think that I would fall for. To make our love story short (I’ll probably go into more in another post), we met on Tinder 2.5 years ago when the guy I was talking to/dating previously decided to go back to his toxic/abusive ex-girlfriend. I was talking to my soon-to-be boyfriend and another guy at the time and my boyfriend was the one that lasted. I remember that I would message every Tinder match with “Aye” because everyone wants the other person to start the conversation or else there won’t be a conversation. He responded with “I love your smile. It’s so positive” and that was my downward spiral. We’re pretty good at communication and we are a good match for each other. We both come from mostly different backgrounds, racially and socially. Sometimes there are things about me he’ll never understand, but making strong friends with people who weren’t racially the same as me kind of prepared me for that. 

Anyways, he wants to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine (still don’t know what that is) and go to med school for it a year after our undergrad. I don’t plan on starting grad school right now because I am not fully sure what I want to do with my career just yet. I’m not going to put myself in more debt or spend more time in school without a reason. Anyways, not many medical schools in our state offer the certification he’d need so he’s even looking at schools out of state. I have always wanted to go with him and support him through it while I start my career, but as that time draws closer, I find myself unsure of myself.

I need a lot of attention and am very sociable. I know when he goes to med school, he won’t be able to give me as much attention and he can’t really be faulted for that. It probably won’t get any easier once he does his residency and beyond. Despite being sociable, I have created a support network of my family and friends (we’ve been together for like 10 years). It’s to a point that I can socialize with other people with the idea that they are going to be acquaintances or somewhat distant friends. I usually know what kind of friend I want people to be before or during meeting them. But my dependency on my support network is so... strong that it kind of messed up a very big job opportunity for me a few years ago. I am afraid of having to make new connections again once we move away. Regardless if he choses a school in our state or not, we’d have to move. I don’t want him to be my only social connection, but am also afraid of making new ones. 

I made a list of all the things that scared me with possible solutions in which moving away with him was on it. I wrote that I would try to connect with coworkers (I can’t imagine and kind of don’t want to be best friends with a coworker. You never know when play ends and work begins) and neighbors. I don’t even talk to my neighbors now. I thought I could bake my famous browned butter salted chocolate chip cookies and share them with people, hoping that it would be the start of something. I’ve picked up random conversations with random people before so hopefully I can still do that (I stopped the whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing when I was like 19). 

These solutions made sense to me and I hoped that by writing it down, I could move on with my life. That wasn’t the case. I became so focused on would by current boyfriend be able to meet my needs in the future and whether I’d be strong enough to let him go if it was impossible. I found myself loving him more than I loved myself and make decisions on bettering myself for him. Covid Vaccine? For him. Finding a good job? For him. I don’t want to love someone else more than I love myself. I don’t want these decisions to be based on another person. I want to chose what is right for me for me and not someone else.  

I wasn’t this way before my boyfriend. I actually avoided being in a relationship for a few years because I didn’t think I’d enter one for the right reason. Usually, I put myself and my happiness first. When I decided I was ready to care for another person, my boyfriend wasn’t the first guy I chose. I didn’t know he’d become the love of my life. I didn’t know that we’d want the same exact thing from our relationship and have active, open communication about or wants and needs from the other person. I craved his attention, always wanted to be around him, and didn’t even stop talking about him our first year together. I am better now, but he still finds way into my conversations because he’s what makes me happy. 

I’m not upset that I love him. I wouldn’t take that back. I just wish that I was enough for myself again in which I could make decisions for me and stand by them. I want to create the life I want and I want him a part of it. But if that’s not God’s Plan, can I let go of him? In all honesty, I’d rather be miserable with him with occasional happiness than miserable without him. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement so don’t take that at full face value.

I want to be able to figure this out while we are still together, but mentally I keep thinking I have a time frame to “fix myself”. At the same time, I know I don’t because I know mental health doesn’t work that way. I have the ability to take the time I need to take care of myself again which I am grateful for. It’s like having an adult and child in my mind. The child is crying all of my fears and anxieties while the adult is trying to calm them down with reasoning. I am thankful that I am at least this aware of my mental state. I can understand when something is anxiety or depression, name it, and although I am stuck with it, I try not to fall too deep in it.  

I still have hope things will get better and I won’t always feel this way. Hope and faith is all I have some days and that’s okay. I am one day closer to being the me I want to be.

[hk1375]

Anxiety

In 2020, the world came across another pandemic that pretty much has made life very difficult for everyone around the world. While we are all dealing with that, 2020 has had many more difficulties that has made life even harder: California wildfires, the increased police brutality and murders of African Americans in the US, the constant divide between the left and right, murder hornets, an election year without good ways to vote for everyone.  And more global and national issues.

And yet, for many, 2020 is just terrible for other personal reasons.  I have also fallen victim to this area.

When we broke up at the beginning of July, we spent the month thinking that we would continue being together until she left at the end of the month.  And at the end of month, I never said that we couldn’t be friends.  We cared about each other.  I just needed some time to address my personal issues.

I am not without my own problems clearly.  I had and still have serious difficulties when dealing with mental health.  I have a rage that I had difficulty dealing with.  I have poor reactions to overwhelming stress that lead me into deep depressions.

And I took the time, the two months, an albeit short amount of time.  to work on recognizing when I have these thoughts.  When I feel the rage.  Stress.  Depression.  And i’ve been focusing on addressing these problems.  And figuring out how to react to these.  And I haven’t had a fit of rage or depression really.  Because those are just thoughts that don’t manifest themselves.  

I thought I had made some real progress.  I never didn’t care about her.  

I find myself to be someone who doesn’t bullshit things.  If someone asks me something, I don’t tell them what they want to hear if it something that I truly care about.  When I said that we could still be friends after some time, I meant it.  When I said that there was a chance for us to get back together, I meant it.  I didn’t approach the break up thinking that we would definitely get back together but it would have been ignorant to think that I didn’t want to get back together at all.

But then I had to send her a message.  And she told me that she’s already seeing someone new.

And I feel all sorts of bad.

1. The initial feeling of betrayal: we spent 2.5 years together, almost 3.  And 2 months is not a long time.  and she started seeing someone already.  It was like all of that time, all of the love I shared, all of the cares I gave, meant nothing.  So easily cast aside.

2. The secondary feeling of incredulous anger: the rage comes through once I think about betrayal.  I want vindication.  I want her to know how she makes me feel right now.  I want her to know that her decisions are causing me the pain that she never wanted to.  I feel lied to.  Like nothing she said and felt was actually true.

3. The third feeling is one of worthlessness: all of the time I spent thinking about how to better help her, better love her, better care for her.  All of it seems so meaningless.  And if what I do with all of my time is meaningless, I am meaningless.  

4. Depression: seems pretty obvious.  I feel no hope.  In my experience, the women that I find any sort of interest in don’t find any interest in me.  To most women, I am a friend or an acquaintance.  I am a strange person but I act in the ways that make me feel good because I can make people laugh or show someone I can genuinely care.  I can be vulnerable because it helps to build relationships.  I don’t bullshit others.  I feel as though if I care for you at all, you’re getting the real genuine me.  So when the genuine me seems to be undesirable, I feel like there isn’t anyone out there for me.  Because the best that I can do doesn’t want me.  I should say the best that I have done so far.  But that just seems like so much that I’ve done amounting to nothing.

5. And lastly, the overwhelming anxiety: the one thing that I’ve learned that I want in life is to find that one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  It’s an oxymoron maybe.  Because you can’t search for that with that intention.  The idea of “one true love” or “soulmate” makes the idea of dating seem so stressful.  And without any hope of achieving the one goal that is already so stressful and difficult, I am feeling a physical manifestation of anxiety. The pressure in my chest, the spiral thought process, and the restlessness.

I only messaged her because I wanted to reconnect.  I wouldn’t have if I didn;t care.  But I do care.  because part of me does want to get back together.  Though I knew that it wasn’t going to be now.  Two months is not a long time.

two months

and she found someone to replace me in two months.

The salty side shall speak first in this next segment:

Boy do I wish that this is a rebound that’s doomed to fail.  I know her.  She has less of a resolve than I do when it comes to dealing with pain and using logic to reason things out.  

Yeah, that;s a shitty thing to think.  I want her to realize that anyone she could find during the short time she was dealing with break up is nothing.  Cannot help actually address the pain she feels.  

I want her to realize that who she found does not satisfy what she’s looking for.

I want to be who she’s looking for.

And I don’t want to be that person.  Because I feel betrayed.  She actively made a choice that actively hurts someone else.  I want her to know the pain she caused me.  She is not better off than me because she was able to find someone.  The two of them can’t even respect the fact that this relationship even happened.  So why should I care about her at all when she’s actively ignored this relationship?

The next segment is the side that feels no hope:

I want to run back to her.  Pretend nothing happened between us and just go back into it.  No one else deserves her because they don’t even fucking know how much work I put into this.  I know her.  I know what she likes.  I know how to take care of her.  I know the relationship we built.  And i don’t want to lose that.

I just want to make it so that we are happy and can live a happy life together.  Because we always had that potential.  And I always wanted to leave that possibility open.  I just needed some time.

Now, the realistic and rational side:

These are all likely thoughts that are manifesting because I said something to her.  She doesn’t want to be friends it seems.  She has her own life she’s living.

Going back to her right now WILL NOT HELP ME.  

repeat that phrase:

ANYTHING I WANT TO DO TO GIVE IN TO THE DARKER SIDES OF ME WILL NOT HELP.  GIVING IN DOES NOT HELP.  BEING ANGRY TO HER WILL NOT HELP.  

It sucks because I know the logic and reasoning.  Doing all of these things are giving in to this primitive human emotional side while doing the reasonable things to take care of myself in the future are more work on me but it will benefit me more.  But I’ve been doing that my entire life.  So many others are giving in to their emotional pain.  like they are on a tv show and there aren’t consequences.

How badly I want that for myself.  To live in a TV show so that I can live the drama without having it actually mean anything.  I would just know and then I can move past it. Because there is no real pain.

But that’s not rational. It doesn’t help me.

Two months is not a long time.  And maybe she’s just giving into the pain.  Which is sad.  I thought we were on the same page about staying home, not meeting people, dealing with pain and relationships.

I;m rationalizing trying to get back together because maybe I can help her with her pain.  She used logic and rationale to do what’s best for her before.  Is it because of me?  NOT LIKELY MOTHERFUCKER.  Even if that was true, she has to live her own life.  And deal with things for herself.

And that’s the only hope i have.  That salty feeling of hoping that who she has found now isn’t what she really wants.

And i don’;t want to think that.

but I do

What will help me?  moving on

how do I move on?  I need to keep living my life

I will post more music, work hard.

Maybe she will see them.  I’d be lying if i said that I didn’t care if she saw but I know i want her to see

But she;s likely made it so she won’t see.

am i supposed to make it so that she does see?

or try to make it so that she’ll come across it?

no, not likely

but that’s because the reason for posting anything is so that I can do something for myself

for my own sake

to help deal with my pain

in a more helpful way

to make something positive, something creative, to focus on something that helps with my own creativity

.

It’s only been a few days and I feel very overwhelmed.

I wake up at 6.  I take edibles at night because I can;t fall asleep anymore.

It’s exhausting

It’s amazing that some people are just able to sleep and have a good night’s rest

I am clearly not built that way.  I must have a crutch

I feel weak

it will take some time, but I will be stronger because of this

That’s the only truth

and one more time for the me at home:

Don’t give in.  It WILL NOT help.  

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, me.  I know you’re going through a hard time but people are here to talk, to support, and to love you.

You;re not alone.  It may feel like it right now, but you are not alone.

Someone is out there.  And you will be happier than you ever have been.  and ever will be.

You are strong.  You deserve happiness.  You are not worthless.  You are creative, fun, loving, caring, genuine and want the best for others.

Don’t let pain take that away from you.

And you;re not alone.

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

[whimzea-blog]

Consider the Following 2.5/3

Title: Consider the Following

Author: whimzea

Pairing: Zane/Heath

Summary: Heath refuses to move into Zane’s bedroom, and Zane cannot figure out why.

Also up on AO3 here. (ha almost the last one :P)

*****

Zane had never felt so miserable or pathetic in his entire life.

He had spent the past week doing everything he could to get Heath to talk to him, but Heath had ignored every knock on his bedroom door, text, call, Facetime, Snapchat, Twitter & Instagram DM, sticky note on his bathroom mirror, note on his windshield….

“You forgot carrier pigeon. And a tin can telephone. Ooh, what about a telegram?” Matt suggested sarcastically. They were sitting on the balcony, drinking coffee, and Zane had just finished telling his sad tale. “We could go across the street, get the construction workers to stay late at night, and use flashlights to message him in Morse code through his bedroom window.”

“Ughh,” Zane groaned. He put his head in his hands. “Stop. Please.”

“No, you stop,” Matt replied, pointing a finger at him. Apparently, Matt’s patience for this sort of thing was thin.

“Obviously, he doesn’t want to talk about it right now. He needs some space. You just need to chill the fuck out.” Matt took a sip of his coffee. “Let’s go to Six Flags. Let’s go on a hike. Let’s do something that doesn’t involve either a: vlogging, which you’ve been doing like crazy all week, or b: obsessing over Heath.”

“I could still do both of those things at Six Flags,” Zane pointed out, and Matt rolled his eyes.

“You could, but you won’t. Because I won’t let you.” Matt put a hand on Zane’s shoulder. “I know you feel guilty, like you fucked up, and sure, you did, a bit-”

“Wow, thanks for the pep talk,” Zane cut in.

“-but honestly, it seems like there’s more going on here that we just don’t know about. Sure, you hurt his feelings, but you were just really angry, and you’ve apologized. He knows you’re sorry. You’ve got to wait for him now,” Matt finished.

“But what if I wait forever?” Zane asked, his voice tragic. Matt looked like he wanted to slap him.

“Jesus, Zane, did you grow a vagina in the past week? Actually, that’s insulting to women, because you just sounded more like an aging soap opera character than a real woman.” Matt shook Zane’s shoulder. “Get ahold of yourself. Heath does still, you know, live here, so it’s not like you’re never going to see him again.”

Matt stood up. “Let’s go do something. Like, food. Food first. Please.”

Zane sighed. “Okay, fine. Let me just...text him one more time.”

“Zane, no. For the love of God. Stop.”

“Just one more,” Zane promised, his thumbs already moving over the keyboard.

Matt threw his arms up. “I give up.”

*****

Heath’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He knew who it was before he even looked at the text.

I miss you.

Jesus, Zane was really turning into a girl.

He shoved his phone back into his pocket and shut his laptop, rubbing his eyes. He was at a cafe in North Hollywood, editing the video he had just shot with Dom. The coffee he was drinking sucked. He wanted K’s so bad, but it was weird to go there without Zane, and... he, apparently, was also turning into a girl.

It was funny, because not wanting to turn into a girl was the reason this had all started in the first place.

When Zane had first suggested that they officially share a room, the “no fuckin’ way” had come out of his mouth before he had even had a chance to think about it. The reaction was just automatic, straight from his gut. He had no idea why he felt the way he did.

For weeks he didn’t know, although he came up with plenty of excuses- none of which he felt very strongly about.

It wasn’t until he was on the phone with his brother one night that it all became a little more clear.

“Oh man, you remember Jessica, that girl I used to date? The brunette, big tits? Well, I saw her working the cash register at CVS the other day, and she looked awful. Like, hit by a truck or something. I didn’t go to her line, of course, but she was a total bitch to the customer she had. It actually put me in a better mood, though, knowing I’m not stuck with her anymore.”

Heath did remember Jessica. Jessica, at one time, had been the apple of his brother’s eye. Heath remembered him bringing her home for dinner, and talking about her, all the time.

They had started off as roommates in one of those typical early 20-something living situations, where way too many people were crammed into a too tiny living space. They had become friends quickly, since they both were big potheads, but it took some time for a real relationship to develop.

When it did, it was serious- so serious that Heath’s brother, who had vowed never to leave the party house, started saving up so they could get an apartment, just the two of them. In the meantime, Jessica had swapped rooms with his roommate, so they could share.

Heath remembered the break-up vividly. His brother had been devastated. He had left the party house and moved back home, spending hours alone in his room. It had been scary, seeing him so depressed. The kid had lost almost twenty pounds, and had started smoking cigarettes again. He didn’t talk to anyone. He didn’t do anything he enjoyed. He was basically a fucking shell of a person.

It had been a huge relief when his brother had finally started to recover. It wasn’t until long after the fact that Heath felt he could ask what had happened.

“Long story,” his brother said, shaking his head. “But I know it all went downhill once she moved into my room.”

“But you were dating- wouldn’t you want her to be in your room?” Heath had asked.

“It’s fine, I guess, when you have a whole apartment together. But when you only have one space of your own, and you have to share that one space, it’s really fucking rough. All these little things you never noticed before that annoy the fuck out of you start to pop up. And you try to talk about it, but you can’t, because you’re doing the same thing to them. For us, it just fucking snowballed, and she turned into a huge bitch. A hurtful, vengeful bitch.”

Heath had laid in bed after the phone call, his stomach churning. It wasn’t a relief to finally understand why he had been so resistant to Zane’s suggestion. Because all he could think about was what had happened to Jessica and his brother, happening to him and Zane. Starting to hate each other. Breaking up. Becoming depressed and miserable. Never seeing each other again.

That couldn’t happen.

But Heath also couldn’t tell Zane all of this, either. The thought made him cringe. Because it wasn’t rational. He knew this. He and Zane were two totally different people from his brother and Jessica. But he couldn’t get past it. He couldn’t shake the fear.

So Heath had been avoiding the topic, making up excuses, and going along as they had been, hoping Zane would give up.

But Zane hadn’t. And when Zane had said that shit on the balcony, about putting his only financial contribution to better use...that had stung. It sort of made him forget all of the other stuff.

It wasn’t a secret that Zane was pulling in more money. He had more subscribers, more influence. And because of this, he often picked up the tabs that Heath just couldn’t.

But on the flipside, they had agreed months ago to pool their finances. And- and this was the important part, the part that had made Heath so angry- Zane could not have gotten where he was now without Heath.

Without Heath, there were no Zane and Heath vines. Without the vines, there was no Youtube, no Coffee Talk, no collabs, no merch, no anything.

Heath knew that Zane worked hard- yes, he could admit it, harder than he did. But that was changing, now that he was working on his own channel. He was putting in more and more hours, and it was paying off. And it hurt that Zane hadn’t noticed. That he thought that Heath was pissing away money, that he was some dumb kid.

But if Zane really thought that, why would he have been so crazy trying to get in touch with him this week? But what if Zane only wanted them back on good terms for the content? Did he care about money, or Heath? Before this room thing, he had been so sure of everything. Now, he was sure of absolutely nothing.

He took out his phone again.

I miss you.

It sucked sleeping alone, after months of having Zane’s warm body next to him at night. It sucked not being able to sneak kisses in the kitchen or the hallway. But it really sucked not even having their friendship- the jokes, the hanging out.

Heath had been worried about them breaking up if they shared a room. But was this really any different? Was all this doubt, hurt feelings, and general shittiness any better?

He knew it wasn’t. But he also didn’t know how to move forward. Was too afraid to clear the air, in case what was left behind was just a disaster.

Heath took a breath. He just missed Zane so fucking much.

He read Zane’s texts. He opened the SnapChats. He read the DMs, and listened to the voicemails.

Zane was frantic, apologetic, emotional. But he never really explained himself.

Heath would give Zane a chance. And if it ended badly, well...at least he hadn’t been a pussy.

[mbrl]

junior year is officially over!

it was really hard (evidenced by the frequent hiatuses from tumblr) because academics, friends, and extra curriculars were becoming way too... smothering. but at the same time, i’ve gotten a lot more grateful. i wrote thank you letters to all of my teachers for the first time, ever. next year i’ll try to get them actual presents haha, but i guess i have more realistic (aka lower) expectations for how life is like. there’s just a lot of pain out there! 

(this post is not that personal so i don’t mind ya lurkers lurking!) (the break is just so it doesn’t clog anyone’s dash)

stats from throughout the year:

gpa: 4.0

months i spent convincing myself it was okay to not maintain the 4.0: 3

officer positions i have this year: 2

officer positions i have next year: 2

times i could’ve been a president of a club but fucked that up: 1

times i wrote an application but fucked up in submitting it/application portal glitched: 1

awards won: 1

avg hours i’ve spent doing test corrections per test for bio: 6

clubs i’ve started: 1

avg attendees for the club i started: ~12?

things i want to fix with my club next year: hellllla

proms i’ve attended: 1

rally and/or hc dances participated in: 2 (last year was only 1... hopefully next year is 3!)

relapses: 2? i think. that’s not too bad

times i’ve referred someone to the school counselor: 4

number people who i’ve been interested in for longer than a 2 weeks: 5

number of people who i’ve dated: 0 (YIKES BUT BEING SINGLE IS OKAY!!!)

number of streaks on snapchat: ~20 more or less

number of newly acquired pink articles of clothing in my closet: 8

frequency of spending 70+ clothes online shopping: once every 2 months

conflicts i’ve had with teachers: 2.5

teacher recs that i’ve solidified: 2

times i’ve made a teacher cry: 1 for sure, but probably 3 because i wrote some good thank you cards HAHA (and now i don’t make teachers cry bc they’re sad but bc they’re like happy so the bigger this # is the better!)

times a teacher made me cry: 4.5

frequency i wanted to fold in on myself and isolate from something: every few days

number of friends who i’m not close with anymore: 4

number of new friends: idk but i think i got a lot more friends this year, not like super super close friends which is fine, but like just people i can talk to at school :) 

and since i turned 17 recently, here’s 17...

good things/milestones(?)/experiences that happened in the last school year:

(for the first time) made out with someone who i was really physically attracted to

started my social justice club

became a lot more comfortable with hanging out with people/socializing

learned to do my eyebrows

accepted my body a lot more!

restarting therapy

got an internship, then got rejected, then got it back 

didn���t lose my nalgene for the entire year!

damn, abba, 4 your eyez only, nxworries came out

grew out my hair kind of ish

got more comfortable with speaking japanese

regularly ate rice, bread, sweets, etc (my fear foods)

no one i personally knew died

had significantly less fights and conflict with family

took lots and lots of naps (of the 2+ hour variety..)

failed (lost elections & competitions, failed tests, and fucked up on applications) which is just good experiences to have, in my opinion

complemented people and helped people!! 

bad things/milestones

(for the first time) got hella hung up over a loser who didn’t deserve it

had trouble sleeping whenever re-starting school (after summer vacation, winter break, spring break, etc)

summer camp at carleton was just a hot mess lol

idealizing people who really shouldn’t be idealized

gotten sick multiple times

did not start driving

did not end up getting high ever...

letting people drift away

helped a friend after getting assaulted, which was the fucking saddest and worst thing ever

been shittalked & having screenshots of stuff i said shared & mocked

march through may was the Dark Days; still trying to find my mojo

“low grade depression”

wasn’t able to continue doing track :( or running :( (mainly because i didn’t like my shoes and i really should just get a new pair of my old shoes that i liked)

expectations

generally became more pessimistic? like shallow, complacent with a lot of stuff because i know i can’t change it. i’m fine keeping up relationships that i know are really... fake

getting fucked over by male privilege that keeps FUCKING me over and everyone i know

not trusting people out of self preservation ig

fun things i would like for next year (this is not stuff i’ll necc. do, just thoughts to entertain):

falling in love and/or dating because the latter is probably more realistic

maintaining a 4.0 which would be dumb and unrealistic as fuck

3-4 events for my club; generally improve quality of meetings

have a hella lit summer with.. 6-7 people i can think of hanging out with. omg i’m going to a separate list for this because i love thinking of hang out/(mAYBE A DATE) ideas

commit to a college by december! (with ED)

write cards for hella people to show gratitude :) & celebrate more people’s birthdays

expand circle of friends and hang out with new people? although that’s hard and i’m not really sure how to infiltrate some gangs

LEARN TO SMOKE lmao

go to senior prom with people i love :) 

learn to cook the food i like

talk abt black lives matter, sexual assault, “pc” / “sjw” culture at my school

trusting someone and being vulnerable with said person

get better at isolating and not feeling like shit for isolating

stay healthy! with stuff like fruits and exercise (yuck @ exercise)

stand up for myself/be more self centered in how i communicate/stop yielding to other people who are hellllllllllllllllllllllllla self imposing and don’t even know it

not relapse! and continue therapy and set up therapy for when i go to college. maybe convince more ppl to seek counseling

prod friends/acquaintances to become more mindful

fun things for the summer

BEACH

HIKING

FOOD: PHO, DIMSUM, JAPANESE FOOD, COFFEE/BOBA SHOPS, PIZZA

MOVIE- OUTSIDE OR IN EITHER IS OKAY

BINGE WATCHING NETFLIX

MALL/SHOPPING =) OR LIKE IKEA HAHA

HANG OUTS AT MY FRIEND’S MANSION 

^ + POSSIBLY WITH HIS DOGS???

STUDY DATES

STAR GAZING??

BAKING/COOKING TOGETHER

WATCHING THE SUNRISE AND/OR SUNSET

AQUARIUM

ART MUSEUMS AND/OR LIKE SCIENCE-Y/ANIMAL-Y MUSEUMS

WALKS

(NAPS lmao)

(cuddling)

[great-eagle-blog]

Am I allowed to ask you all of the colors? 😂 -Barachiel

yES ALWAYS ok here we go:

red: how was your first kiss?: SUPER awkward honestly, I wasn’t expecting it and the guy mostly did it because of the chanting crowd of our friends(pro tip friends: don’t let chanting crowds pressure you into relationships)

what do you love about yourself?: hm, this is a more difficult question than I would’ve expected. If I had to pick one thing, it would be that I don’t take shit from absolutely anyone.

when’s the last time you warmed your hands in front of a fire?: I think June 2016? When I was camping with friends after graduation.

would you rather watch a sunrise or sunset?: man I love both but I’d have to say sunset; where I used to live I got to see a lot of amazing sunsets and I miss that

what’s the best thing about summer?: just the feeling of being carefree, of not having that weight on your shoulders that school causes

orange: what makes you feel warm inside?: honestly I mostly lack emotional responses to things so there isn’t really a thing that does this in general, but the one time I can think of where I genuinely experienced this was this one time when one of my charges was smiling, like a real smile, after he’d been super depressed for a long time and I could just feel the happiness coming off of him it was the purest thing ever

what’s your favorite halloween tradition?: definitely the costumes! Not only is it fun in general but it gives me an excuse to wear fake wings in public

what’s the last thing you learned?: how to draw clothing folds; like I’m not entirely confident in my ability to do this yet but I did it well yesterday haha

when’s the last time you felt obsessed?: honestly I don’t think I ever have felt obsessed???

what’s your favorite article of clothing?: my green utility jacket and the little wing pins I put on it

yellow: if you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose?: ohhhh man this is a hard one. I’d love to be able to see the mountains or the pacific

what’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day?: if I’m feeling up to it, go for a walk outside. If not, open all the blinds and windows so I can still experience it from inside

what do you consider lucky?: honestly I don’t really have a Thing I consider lucky. But, after several weird and downright terrifying experiences, I consider the song “Carry on Wayward Son” by Kansas to be UNlucky(the last time I heard it, there was a fuckin UFO over my hotel later that night)

what made you smile today?: I heard a song that really reminded me of some Angel Feels and that made me smile I think(doorways by radical face my dudes)

what makes you happy?: hm. Probably my friends and charges

green: what’s your favorite thing to do outside?: either hiking or archery

do you like camping?: I LOVE camping. Last time I went was kind of a disaster as I almost fell down a hill and was narrowly saved by the dude from the first question, then had a seizure the next day, but it was still super fun 10/10

what would you spend $1,000 on?: rent tbh

what’s your job, or what do you want to do as your job?: currently not officially employed due to some unfortunate life circumstances, but I’m writing a book so I guess I could call myself a writer. One day, I’d like to make money off of either my writing or my art.

blue: what do you do when you’re sad?: honestly I don’t think I’ve ever really felt sad; that sounds so ridiculous but like that’s the truth

what are some things you do when you can’t sleep?: listen to music, draw, stare into the void and think about all my regrets,

what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had?: oh man this is a hard one. Probably this one time like 4 years ago when my best friend and I stayed up till 4am drawing these shitty comics together when we had to be at school by 7.

what kind of covers do you have on your bed? White sheets, light blue fuzzy blanket, and a yellow quilt

who is the last person you told a secret to?: my friend Jes, I told her some angel stuff while deliriously tired a couple months ago

purple: what’s your astrological sign?: Pisces, but if you count cusps like I do I’m a Pisces-ares cusp

what’s the best piece of advice you ever received?: this seems so counterintuitive, but probably the time my grandma frustratedly told me to drop out of college and move back to California. I’m still working on it, but I’m so glad she voiced what I was thinking for like a year at least

when’s the last time you followed your instincts?: see above, lol

what’s your favorite food?: p a s t a. Like any kind of pasta as long as there’s not meat in it.

what’s your secret dream? I have two completely differing ones. One half of me wants to lead the revolution and die young in a blaze of glory, and the other half wants to settle down and live a mundane white-picket-fence 2.5-kids life. Honestly, the second one makes me far more nervous than the first.

[jstardust]

putting down roots.

They say you can always go home. You can - and I did. After 5 years in LA that looking back seems like 5 decades, with countless adventures, dreams realized, dreams shifted, and friends that are still family - I moved back to Massachusetts.

I didn't drive across the country alone. I drove back with my serious boyfriend of 2.5 years, who's family lives a few hours from mine in CT. A Hollywood love story at it's finest, two kids from New England had to move to the other side of the country to find each other. And it was time to go home.

Matt and I moved home because we missed our families. They are, and always have been, the most important thing in our lives. They're worth the tearful goodbyes and the throwing away of perfectly good clothing because there was zero room left in Matt's Honda Accord. Knowing how happy my parents and sister were to have us a just short drive away was worth all the shitty hotels we stayed in on the freezing cold way home.

Just like that, we were back in the state I grew up in, the place I left not because I had anything to run away from, but because I had a dream that wouldn't quit. Or a few of them, involving endless sunshine, the Pacific Ocean and music. Massachusetts doesn't really have any of this things, except for sun, but only certain times of year. And sometimes when it IS sunny, it's 16 degrees out. But it has my family and my lifelong friends, and now, a new adventure in a very familiar setting.

So why didn't it feel like coming home? Why was I so anxious? At work, at night lying in bed, even around my friends that I grew up with? People who knew me best, who I was used to easily being my utter and total self with. I somehow just couldn't relax with anyone, anywhere.

Something was off.

Physically, my stomach was constantly in discomfort and I never felt 100% "great." I was eating healthily, but eating, and I lost a lot of weight. Looking back, I don't even think I realized that this was all linked to the anxiety of being back east, and working a brand new job in an entirely new industry.

Mentally, my relationships with my friends seemed forced and I just didn't connect with them like I used to. The one person that I felt completely okay and comfortable with was Matt. He was beside me in the last life, and crossed over to this one with me.

I'm not a huge fan of going to the doctor, because I think it's a waste of money and they have never seem to have the answers I'm looking for. But during my power yoga teacher training, when the coaches started talking about chakra healing, in particular, the root chakra, I realized that this was the explanation I was searching for.

I'm currently leading MY students through that chakra journey, so I figured the best way to start this blog is with the first chakra, the foundation of the body and self and a need for life's most basic needs to be met before human beings can find balance, peace and meaningful relationships.

When Deanna explained the root chakra, Muladhara, in that PYTT session, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Just because I moved back to where I was from, it didn't mean that I wasn't uprooting the entirely new life that I had made for myself and plopping down amongst an extremely uncertain future. Keep in mind, that everything I'm saying right now, I did not know or realize at the time. I was just sad and scared and afraid that we had made a mistake.

I knew that I wanted things to get back to normal with my friends, but didn't realize how much it was affecting me. I worked hard and was learning a LOT about radio, but every day was a learning curve and I was constantly surrounded by a bunch of people I didn't know and working a job in radio that really had nothing to do with music. Which at this point, is still what I cared about most.

The past 4+ years of religiously practicing vinyasa yoga has completely changed my life. Maybe it's altered the person that I am, or maybe it's helped peel off layers to reveal the parts of me that I like and subconsciously have always wanted to shine more. Either way, yoga was helping me be more mindful, kinder to myself and others, and to prioritize my life.

I started spending even more time with my family, and put more effort into the friendships that made me feel good about myself. And after almost three years of working in radio, I finally started to believe that maybe I didn't suck at sales.

When you're a baby, your basic needs were met by your mother feeding you and your parents keeping your safe. Now our basic needs involve financial security and a feeling of social belonging. A job is more than a way to pay the bills, which is, in it's own right, stressful enough. It's the way you spend the majority of your week, what you get up early for and what you have to show up for even if you don't want to. It's your livelihood, in the sense that the money you make allows you to live, but also that it's what you are living everyday. So you'd better enjoy it, or at least the people there, or be working towards a place where all of this is the case. Otherwise you're spending the majority of your life doing something that doesn't  make you happy. Being happy and comfortable in your own body is a basic need that if not met, doesn't allow you to fully experience your life. This growing confidence that came from working so hard to learn and practice my new career, started to affect me in every aspect of my life, and I felt my anxiety started to melt away.

We cannot grow and change until we feel safe and secure. And loved.

Just like a tree, root down into yourself; do some digging to see just who that person is. You may be surprised. What makes you happy? Do you incorporate those things into your life enough? Who makes you happy, and brings out the best in you? Who can relate to your passions, and feelings, and ways you view the world? What do you need first, to create a strong foundation and be your true self?

Happiness is not a place. Take a deep breath and go find it.