#I don't get why people don't see an issue with being extremely attached to celebrities

[siyasantlani111]

Detachment ~

As I promised I'll write about detachment so, first of all I'm so grateful that I have a platform to write about this topic and explain to it y'all . Guys detachment literally saved my life i say it again detachment literally saved me. So why do I always write about detachment in my blogs and why do I think it's so important to be detached? I'll share all of this with you right here as well as I'll let you guys know how I practice detachment and my life experiences.

How do we practice detachment?

First things first, for example you want something in life it could be anything, now sometimes we just get crazy over this thing we want and put it on the pedestal, if we want something we quickly want it, we are extremely impatient and we just want it right now, now the thing is you have to let it go, you have to be vulnerable, you have to believe in god or universe that you will receive it after putting the right amount of hardwork. Now the way I practice detachment is by simply believing and having so much trust in universe and god that he will deliver me what I want and i don't have to think too much about it, yes I do have to think about working really hard to recieve it but after i put in my effort thats it, that's it, then my work is done. Or maybe sometimes I'm like channeling from a limiting belief and think, “what if I never have it?. ” Then I just simply believe something way better will be dileverd, maybe right now I can't see how better it can get, its ok i know god has better for me. Thats how I practice detachment.

After i started practicing detachment i can say I feel less stressed. Yes I have days amd weeks and I'm constantly attached I'm impatient too, but that's just a bad day or week not a bad life.

Guys another way of staying detached is by putting so much compassion and efforts into your goals that you just know, that you will recieve what you desire. Always put effort.

2) Learn how to love yourself

when you see a celebrity you like and you are like omg they are so beautiful, do you say that about yourself? You send paragraphs about how much you love someone but do you write paragraphs about yourself? You gift people so much do you ever do it for yourself? You constantly just people please and let people step all over you, do you ever think about yourself? . When you listen to music, read books or watch a movie why do you imagine yourself with a partner? Why can't you just imagine your self having a lot of fun alone?

Guys we need to learn how to love ourselves.

I'm going to be very honest if you guys don't love yourself you won't be able to embrace your authentic self or your flaws. Yes loving yourself is hard but so is not loving yourself. What os authenticity? Being your authentic self doesn't only include the good parts, it includes your flaws too, and in oder to be your authentic self you would have to love certain parts of your self which yiu may not like.

3) start seeing things as a protection

Now one of the best ways to stay detached from something is to start seeing things as a protection.

For example: you asked god to give you something and you didn't recieve it.

Now instead of thinking “god never answers my prayers ” or “things don't workout the way I want them to” why can't we preceive it as god is protecting me frome something, and thats why I didn't recieve it and I'm okay with it, because I know god wants the best for me.

4) The reason we attach ourselves to so many situations is because we have attachment issues.

Why do we keep on constantly attaching our self worth based on silly little things or situations? Why do we think that If I get this particular grade then only I'm worthy of being loved or when i weigh this much I'll be loved.

Let me break it upto you guys, it never works out this way. Been there done that.

Now if your grades are really dropping or you're really unhealthy physically then yes you have to change it.

But you know some people they just don't recognise themselves and are in constant unimaginary battles with themselves and the world. And because of that they constantly attach themselves to numbers and situations, and they think they 'll find happiness only when they have what they want. But again when they have it they don't feel that happy and they don't feel that good, because there's a void in them which they're missing, there's something inside them which they're to full fill through materialistic things, they're trying to escape something.

You know when did I realise this thing

? When I was watching Liz and then everything started making sense.

I'll tell you guys why. My entire life I have been telling myself I'll finally be happy if I loose that weight. And before I started to workout, I was like even if I look like the bare minimum or normal person I'll be so happy in life. Or I would compare myself and be like if I looked better than her I would be happy. This never happened, because here I'm writing this right now whilst I lost so much weight, however I still don't feel happy somedays and sometimes I just hate my body.

It's because I attached myself to materialistic things when I needed to fill something and face something inside of me.

5) stop forcing connections with people

Connections aren't meant to be forced because they're connections. A forced connection is not a connection.

Do you guys know how desperate it is to constantly be the person who's always forcing people to connect with them, or have some sort of relationship with them. Now I'm not saying don't be friends with people, I'm saying for example you like someone as a friend go directly tell them that instead of beating about the bush, because it will never workout if you are desperate.

I used to force connections like crazy okay, let me break it upto you it doesn't work out at all, the only that happens is you feel drained, feel like your side is one sided and that's just really tiring.

“ you don't chase you attract”

Start realising as much as you chase something it is going to run away from you okay. I literally have been around people who would literally force connections like crazy, like so crazy and once I started realising that forced connections are just draining I started stop being influenced by them.

I was reading a book in which there was this badass character oh and the amount of “I don't give any fuck” energy she radiates is so authentic and confident. She was literally a loner and she didn't like peopling a lot and she couldn't give any fucks about it . And she was literally like okay with her “loner” thing and she wasn't desparate okay. She did have her little friend group but even there shw wasn't desparate or anything. Btw her name is Teal Van Doren.

You guys don't realise how peaceful it is to just not be desperate. Why are we so desparate in relationship? Like “omg I'm not gonna find another person”, or “omg I have to be friends with him/her or else I would be alone at school”

6) start realising life is literally like a movie

So for example you are watching a movie and you know who are the main characters who's the female and male lead, so even whilst watching the movie you just know that these main leads are just gonna be together, regardless of them being enemies or regardless of them being neighbours or anything. Similarly our lives are like that god is binge watching our lives he knows whats going to happen next, he knows whats meant for you will simply come find you. No other way around , you know there are so many people who were literally like rock bottom their entire childhood, or they were literally like literally like not having a very good childhood and some how they're now big celebraties or well known. You know why this happens? Because no matter what happens life figures itself out.

7) Work so hard that you simply believe that you're going to have it.

You know guys when I mentioned it before I meant it, I know this girl and she's extremely hard working and I have known her for quite a while now she's legit like extremely hard working, you know once she told me she wants good grades and I was like yeah thats great! And you know since then every single day I see her studying really hard , one day you know it was her birthday and like she called me and was like was asking me a doubt and I was like telling her and you know form the background voice it can be said that she was literally telling her family to wait for 5 minutes because she's studying and will cut the cake after 5 minutes . And you know that is the fucking spitit! Like genuinely this girl is one of the most hardworking people I have had in my life and you know she'd be tired at night and whatever and would atill finish her worm and then go to bed, thats the thing which always made me looked upto her , and you know when I asked her that doesn't she get tored she said yes she does, but she enjoys doing it too, she loves improving her qork efficiency. And one day I asked her “bro you work really so hard but aren't you scared it won't work out?” and she said “ thats not gonna happen” and I looked her and asked her what does that even mean? Because i was so confused, she says again “you really think it won't workout? Whats your hardwork lacking which makes you think that way?” and my perceptive changed from that day, because this girl hard so much shine and spark for what she wanted she couldn't just believe that it won't work out and yeah guys this girl really succeeded like crazy crazy!

6) If its for you, it will find you.

Sometimes we don't get what we want even if we let it go. Sometimes we let go things because we expect that things will ne received. However let's land bak to reality, its not for you. Its harsh but it is what it is.

7) Don't let your ego come in the middle of your goals.

If your truly want something then no matter how many times people don't like your product, or how many times you get rejected, you won't let it make you feel demotivated, you know why? “Because 100 people can call me wrong and reject my product, however god is with me ad I don't care.” I'll keep going and going and going, is the mindset not “omg I failed”

Because honestly are you even confident in your craft if a smal little hurdle came in the way and it started shaking up your entire confidence. That's what our ego does, when we go through failure it says “ you can't win” “you always loose” tell it to shutup and then you keep going and going and going again and again and again. It's you against your own ego.

So guys I think I'm going to end my blog here I loveyou guys so much, thankyou for reading, it feels such an honour to shae my thoughts with y'all❤️❤️❤️.

[thomas-the-goat-of-satan]

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[miraculousares]

Reflexes

A quick fic inspired by this gif set

Over the last three years of being Ladybug, Marinette had changed in several ways. The two most notable to those around her were both physical. One, she was buff. Like, she could beat Kim at wrestling kind of buff. When she wore bikinis to the beach with her friends, they'd all stare at her abs for a moment. Alya constantly asked her how she had gotten so ripped but never got a straight answer. It's not like Marinette could exactly say that she had gotten strong by fighting villains all day.

The other thing that had become most noticeable was her fighting skills. Few of her friends ever witnessed anything as fighting wasn't a super common civilian issue, but Alya saw her take down a mugger with one hand. Nobody really believed her when she told people about it - "Oh, sweet little Marinette couldn't hurt a fly," they often said - but she still made a note not to startle her or get on her bad side.

One of the most problematic changes that she'd made, though, was her fighting instincts. While it came in handy during fights with akumas, she often found herself judo-flipping her partner, Chat Noir, when he snuck up on her. The worst part was that he never learned to give her some warning, so it wasn't an uncommon occurrence to accidentally throw her best friend off of roofs. Of course, he was always okay. Not only did he have his staff and super-agility, but he'd learned to expect it. That only made her feel more guilty.

~ o n e  d a y ~

Ladybug leaned against the chimney of one of the several rooftops of Paris. She was looking down at her yoyo's screen, catching up on some fan emails, while she waited for her partner. Suddenly, she felt the sudden presence of someone behind her, a hand reaching toward her. Instinctively, she grabbed the wrist and slammed the attacker down on the ground in front of her. She kept the arm in her grasp and put a foot on the person's chest to hold them down. The laughter that followed registered before the face did. She immediately let go and took her foot off of the blonde and held down a hand to help him up. Once he was standing again, he worked to control his laughter.

"Stupid cat, I've told you over and over again not to sneak up on me like that! You know that I react like that to being startled," she grumbled, closing up her yoyo and attaching it to her hip.

"I know, I know. But it's kinda funny," he wiped a tear from his eye.

"It won't be so funny when you dull my reflexes and I get my miraculous stolen by a villain," she retorted, pushing him playfully but sternly on the shoulder.

"My lady, you could never be dull, not even your reflexes." His eyes shone with adoration and she rolled her eyes. She had to admit that his flirtiness had gotten a lot sweeter in the past few months as they got to know each other deeper and deeper.

"Yeah, whatever, kitty. Are you ready to go on patrol?"

"With you? Always."

The two leaped from the rooftop and began scanning the streets of Paris for any akumas or citizens in need of help. They helped an elderly woman gather the groceries that had fallen through a hole in her bag and helped prevent a traffic collision. As always, they stopped by the bench where Mr. Ramier sat with his pigeons and chatted with him, bringing him comfort. The man had gone through a lot of trauma, having been akumatized over 50 times. Finally, the sun began to set and they decided to call it a night.

~

Marinette stretched and yawned, extremely tired. As soon as they'd gotten home from patrol, they got an akuma alert and had stayed up until nearly 5 am fighting.

"I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the day on only two hours of sleep," Marinette commented as she messily pulled her hair into her signature pigtails.

"You've got this, Marinette! I know you can do it!" Her kwami pressed against her cheek in a hug and the girl felt energized just from the affection from the small creature.

"Thanks, Tikki," she smiled. Then she opened her bag for her to fly into and headed for school.

"Hey, girl!" Alya called from across the courtyard. She was standing near the stairs talking to Nino. Marinette managed to jog over there and greeted her friends.

"Oh man, you look terrible," Nino commented. Alya jabbed him in the side. "I mean, you seem tired. You okay, dude?"

Marinette nodded. "Yeah, the noise from the akuma last night kept me up," she fibbed.

"Oh that's right, it was right over by the bakery, wasn't it? Did you see that villain though? Hawkmoth is really stepping up his game!" Alya continued to talk about the night's battle, giving Marinette a chance to zone out for a moment since she didn't need a rundown of the battle she'd fought. Suddenly, she felt a hand grab her shoulder. She jumped and her instincts took over. She grabbed the wrist of the person behind her before they could even tighten their grip and threw them with a slam onto the ground a few feet in front of her. Then, she processed what had just happened and who she had just thrown. She rushed over to him and offered a hand to help him up.

"Oh my god! ARE YOU SORRY? I mean- I'm okay! I mean... uh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay, Adrien?" He stood up and stared at her in shock.

"I told you! I told you she was a damn ninja! Mylene owes me $10," Alya celebrated. But neither of the pair was paying any attention to her. Marinette was too lost trying to decipher Adrien's gaze and why he had yet to let go of her hand. The bell rang and students filtered out of the courtyard and into classrooms and eventually, the two were alone.

"I- ah, Adrien?" Marinette stammered, her face still a bright red but her thoughts more clouded by confusion than romance.

"I guess your reflexes haven't dulled yet," he whispered, his eyes never leaving hers. Marinette paused for a second, trying to figure out why the phrase sounded so familiar before it hit her.

"It won't be so funny when you dull my reflexes and I get my miraculous stolen by a villain."

"My lady, you could never be dull, not even your reflexes."

She felt her knees give out and she fell to the ground. Adrien quickly moved to kneel down beside her. She just stared at the blonde for a while, her eyes wide and brain moving at a thousand miles per minute.

"Chat... Chat Noir?" She finally pushed the words out of her lips, though they were a struggle. It felt impossible. Adrien was so different from Chat Noir. But, when she thought about it, it all made sense. She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug.

"It's really you, buganette," he whispered into her hair, returning the embrace.

"My kitty."

[ziracona]

This is from something you reblogged about YouTubers, like, a looong time ago, but i was talking to a friend of mine who didn't see the issue w being a fan of YTbers/Streamers/ect. I said the problem was that often fans of said people often forget that those are..well people. And will put them on high platforms and act like they can do no wrong/ will defend them no matter what they do. They said that people don't really do that, and just wanna have someone to go to to have a good laugh w/o the hassle. And for a moment i was literally confused and i blurted out 'They don't know you. Y'all aren't friends' without stopping myself from thinking it might be mean? I didn't want it to be mean, im just honestly so confused about Streamers and their fans?

Yeah. I think it’s like with celebrities—if you enjoy a particular actor, and are happy when you see them in films, no problem, but if you start getting emotionally attached to Gwyneth Paltrow, and thinking of that as a person you like, not a person whose skill in their craft you enjoy, you get in some troubled waters, both because it’s only a matter of time before she starts making NFTs or has a scandal reveal, and because you literally know nothing about her but gossip and public persona. You have no personal experience w them. Being a fan isn’t a problem if you’re normal. But if you put a personal stake in a celebrity, they will disappoint you, and you’re also going to get weird eventually and possessive and too invested in someone you actually have no claim to. I could watch every GP movie on the planet and read every interview, every book, follow and like every tweet, and she still wouldn’t owe me anything. Doesn’t know me either.

The problem w youtubers and streamers is bigger in a lot of ways, for a couple reasons. First, YouTube is one of the most toxic places on the entire internet, and even at its inception, Famous Youtubers were a dangerous game to like because they always eventually turned out to be racist or something extremely disappointing. YouTube fame seems to really speedrun the whole ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely’ gambit. They’re more accessible 24/7 is a big own, same w streamers. You can ‘spend hours and days’ with them—which is a creepy way to look at it, but nevertheless the way I’m sure many people do. If you sit and listen to someone talk for two years, it can get very easy to convince yourself you know someone. This is not the case. I’ve heard probably a year of Griffin McElroy talk, and he seems like a really cool dude, but do I think I know that and if it came out on the news he’d just started a company puppy farming, would I refuse to accept reality and bend over backwards trying to Stan? No. I’m not an idiot. I know I haven’t been in a friend’s house for 365 days chatting, I’ve been listening to Curated choices of content one-sided. Nothing wrong w liking people and enjoying their work, but getting too invested happens like the plague. I think the other biggest reason is age range for fans of yt/stream celebrities.

Honestly, public attachment forms to celebrities have always gotten weird, but more and more w the internet, and it’s not healthy.

Your friend is crazy though if they think people /don’t/ happily go rabid for youtubers and streamers. They regularly bully and harass—even threaten or actually hurt—anyone seen as competition or an enemy, and way too many get obsessed. No clue why they can’t see how creepy it is, especially when the yt/stream person is a minor, to talk about shipping them with their real human friends, or to like spend forever talking about or giffing their clothes and talking about them like you’re their proud mother or girlfriend and commenting about them growing up or looking great and memorizing their wardrobe like it’s textbook stalker behavior. And it’s not healthy to be that obsessed w even the life or journey of someone you’ve never met. Rooting for an Olympian to take gold is nothing at all like making an 8 paragraph take every other night about an internet celebrity maturing where you analyze everything they ever said to illustrate how you think they think. You’ve never met them, and that’s terrifying behavior. Writing a thesis about Prince Zulu the fictional character whose life is presented in narrative is fine. Writing a thesis about YTBoy as a person when you literally can have no clue who he is, is entitled and dangerous thinking.

The internet has really blurred boundaries, and privacy, and fucked over relationships. Like I have /never/ seen a community ready to get just viscerally full of hate and bad blood, than Discord groups. Way too many people get ferally protective of internet celebrities. With youtubers especially like. Honey if they’re big names, they are /all/ eventually gonna come out as bad people—YouTube just seems to chew up and spit folks out. And if people want to enjoy content there’s nothing wrong w having favorite content. But way too many people get parasocial and yeah I know that’s a term Tumblr hates using like gaslight but we’ve swung too far and misuse has turned into an excuse to shut down talking about it at all, it isn’t a good thing. Tying your worth or your self or your happiness to someone you have no relationship with is setting yourself up both for tragedy, and to take actions in which you will objectively be the villain and hurt other people. God I wish people just went there for a chill good time, and I’m sure some do, but the problem is the vast and vocal majority do not. ​Also, even less rabid fans tend to refuse to stop giving people a platform and supporting them once it comes out they’re like a nazi, and that /is/ a problem. Both YT and Streams are constantly going platforms, so it’s not like watching a movie with a shit actor there. It’s intentionally continuing to keep someone at the head of their craft because enjoying their videos is more important to you than not siding w a nazi. And way too many people refuse to put any amount of politics or ethics in how they consume content.

Anyway, there’s a lot more to be said but I’m gonna stop bc I’m not even sure you really wanted anything but to vent. But yeah. Ain’t bad to enjoy content or have faves, but don’t act like it’s something it’s not. It is a casual connection between performer and consumer, where you have a seller you like. If you couldn’t accept it & then shrug it off emotionally, handle it responsibly as far as your response, and move on if it came out the person in question was a pedophile or sexist or a bigot, then you have a problem and it’s on you to fix that. And as evidenced by the appearance of 100000 teenage defense attorneys on Twitter every time a Youtuber does something awful, way too many people do.

[qqueenofhades]

Hi!! 💕I was reading across your medieval queer history tag, and I came to the part of Muslims and homosexuality where you mention the active / passive narrative that this activity had.

I had two questions and I don't know if you can help me with them. I was wondering if there was something similar to that position in Nicky's time (?) at the European part of the world. And based on that, would it be a problem for the sexual activities that Nicky and Joe might have had? (sorry for this insane curiosity) I don't know if I'm being clear, haha. I mean, would it be a problem being active/passive for Nicky and Joe? ( based on common Islamic and/or European thought of the 11th century)

Thank you!!

Hmm. I feel like this is a better subject for fanfic (i.e. how Nicky and Joe viewed their relationship in the early days) because it touches on something historians can’t answer: how historical individuals privately viewed their own internal/emotional decisions and preferences. Obviously, Nicky and Joe themselves are fictional, so the only inner feelings they themselves had about how their relationship first developed, whether in its sexual components or otherwise, are the ones that are created for them by a team of modern writers and showrunners. As a historian, I can offer some perspective on the institutional, legal, and societal mores and customs that influenced how queer behavior was collectively viewed, tolerated, or restricted, but I can’t say how any given individual would have then interpreted that to themselves. Obviously, some gay people have been raised in such deeply self-hating environments that their internalized homophobia is very embedded and they struggle for years to get over it. Some others have been raised in the same environment but have never actually accepted any of it and have less difficulty in leaving it behind. Once again, this goes into the realm of speculation rather than strictly provable history, and which goes double for fictional characters.

Queer people have always existed in a complicated and sometimes contradictory relationship with the mainstream (that is, often heteronormative) dominant society. Sometimes they accept all of it in an attempt to “pass” or because they have been taught to be homophobic, sometimes they choose to selectively adopt parts of it but try to live a secret “second life,” sometimes they reject all of it. These choices are conditioned by personal safety/family background, political, cultural, religious, and social environments, formal and informal education, kinship and friendship networks, positive/negative reinforcement, individual character, and so on. There is not necessarily a “wrong” choice for a queer person to make, because each course of action comes with its own risks and rewards, but if you’re choosing to embrace your queer identity and to live out its truth (as Joe and Nicky seem to have done relatively soon after they met), then that will involve an element of rejecting whatever constraints heteronormative society has placed on you. After all, the formal legal conventions about sodomy in the Middle Ages weren’t developed in consultation with actual queer people. They reflected the concerns of conservative establishment clergymen, who weren’t interested in promoting social acceptance of it (and yet again, this doesn’t touch on THEIR actual feelings or whatever they might have done in private). I’ve discussed the complexity of disentangling historical homoromanticism (which was pretty widely celebrated in the medieval era) and historical homosexuality (which had a rockier time, but as I wrote about in this ask, the attempted policing of sexuality and sexual behavior was as much the case for m/f relationships as m/m or f/f ones -- nobody got away from this and it wasn’t just for the gays.)

Basically, I personally don’t think that either Joe or Nicky would have had a problem with sex or certain sexual positions, just because if both of them had reached the point of deciding that a Catholic/Muslim was their true love and they were going to run off together and be a couple no matter what anyone said about it, that already entailed rejecting a huge amount of the ideology they were originally taught and grew up with. It’s again a subject for fanfic how much Joe and Nicky were personally comfortable with being queer before they met each other, so this would more likely be a rejection of religious teaching about the unworthiness/evilness of the rival faith (as Nicky says, the love of his life was from the people he had been taught to hate). Since almost all medieval queer behavior and views on queer people had a religious component, if Joe/Nicky had gotten as far as rejecting the religious tenet that told them the other was Evil, they were (again, in my opinion) extremely unlikely to use any of those old religious arguments for prohibiting or proscribing certain kinds of sexual activity. I’m sure they had to negotiate many issues in the early days of their relationship (as I write about in DVLA), but they’re clearly head over heels in love with each other, wildly attracted to each other and have been for almost a millennium, and eager to embrace the physicality of that relationship, so I don’t personally see this as being a major stumbling block.

That said, you did ask about European views on sodomy in the 11th century and whether there was a parallel to Islamic views on the moral acceptability of the active vis-a-vis the passive partner. Since antiquity, there has always been less “shame” attached to the penetrative/top partner in sex, no matter whether the receiving partner is male or female. Ancient Greece is another example of this, where the adult man could not be penetrated without insult to his manhood and dignity, but the fact of him penetrating a younger man/teenage boy was a fine and even accepted rite of passage. We can obviously talk about how this is related to phallocentrism and misogyny, because the person “receiving” sex is usually expected to be a woman or a woman-equivalent person, which entails lower social status. The dominant male can take whichever sexual partner he pleases, and it’s a mark of honor and status for him to be virile (the very, very ancient chestnut about why playboys are tolerated and admired while sexually active women are “sluts.”) The gender of his partners might not matter as much as their social class, their status in relation to his, his “right” to expect sexual availability from them, and a whole lot of other factors. This could be and also was the case in medieval Europe. But may we point out that the men engaging in these kind of explicitly unequal relationships, which are more about reinforcing power and control than real desire, are very, very unlike the equal and loving mutual partnership between Joe and Nicky, where they were clearly happy to please and respect the other in whatever way.

It has not always been the case that same-sex activity would automatically be defined and suspect, though yes, there has never been an instance in Western history where it was placed uncomplicatedly on the same level as opposite-sex activity. It had to be constructed that way. As I keep saying, modern homophobia is a lot more stringent and explicit than any medieval expressions thereof, because if “homosexuality” was not constructed as a clearly recognized identity, there was less ability to rail against it. In fact, the usual rhetorical tactic was to just ignore it. Sodomy is known as the “silent sin” or “peccatum mutum” in Latin, because moralists usually didn’t talk about it or discuss it or give it an actual framework for debate and thus implied legitimacy. There were obvious exceptions (Peter Damian, Peter the Chanter, Bernardino of Siena, Heinrich Kramer, etc, etc) and as the medieval era went on, homosexuality became more grouped in with other undesirables. But that also reflected a growing visibility/awareness among people as to what it was. As I keep saying, you can’t be anxious about something, you can’t be worried about people being susceptible to it, you can’t be worried that it’s happening in reality, if it’s just an abstract concern of rhetoric that only a handful of churchmen know about. The increasing visibility of queerness as a category of exclusion in late medieval polemics reflected a) the social stress of the crises of the late medieval world and the usual function of Others as a scapegoat and b) the fact that by then, people must have had enough awareness of it as a pattern of consistent behavior for clerics to get mileage out of attacking it.

Anyway. In an attempt to summarize: historians can’t possibly know how historical queer people felt about themselves, if they were influenced by societal or internalized homophobia (itself quite different from modern homophobia), how much of the dominant social narrative they accepted, the reasons for the choices that they made, if they saw their queer preferences as a sin or as a valid lifestyle, and so on. But it seems unlikely that historical queer people specifically in loving long-term relationships, such as Joe and Nicky, would be unduly tied to much of that, and that has always been the case.

[eradicatetehnormal]

In The Case Of Shipping. Queer Ships and Straight Ships

A topic I will never shut up about. Before I start I will admit, I am on the queer side of fandom a lot more often than I am on the straight side and I will be speaking from that perspective. If you have another perspective to share with me, please do so respectfully.

Shipping will always be something that gray to me. I like shipping culture and enjoy certain communities around certain ships, but people getting way too defensive about it will always be something to drags me emotionally. It makes me sad especially when it's people who are like me. Fellow queer shippers trying to explain why certain things between two characters can be seen as queer coding and then being called delusional by people who are either willfully ignorant or simply don't understand the point of queer coding. That's not to say queer shippers are without fault, however. We do have a really terrible tendency of calling people who don't like our ship homophobic and ignoring characters from other media that ARE actually written to be queer, in favor of continuing to argue that there are next to no queer characters in the content they like. While they are scarce they are not non-existent. Not to mention, a decent amount of character portrayals do tend to be very extremely sexual and can be found in places that they do not belong.

That being said straight shippers aren't without their faults either. For starters, I don't really see this being brought up, but they also like to portray characters in very sexual ways as well. Particularly, male characters, with a popular means of sexualization being centered around predatorial behavior towards one of the female characters, or being a C H A D. Again, I personally don't have a particular issue with this, but just like queer sexual content, it does not belong where anyone can see it. Straight shippers also have a bad habit of calling queer shippers p*dos and perverts, even for the most inoffensive gay fan content imaginable.

With so much tension heating up between two groups, any interaction can come off as an attack even if that wasn't the intention. We queer shippers tend to get sensitive when someone has the opinion that our ship isn't real. Now sometimes we are justified in getting annoyed with these people as some of them will go out of their way to find joke posts and innocent fan art of a same-sex ship and pull that line, even though that wasn't really the point of the original post. However, even in people's own spaces when they aren't going out of their way to attack us, we still get offended. What gives? So let's take a tweet that's similar to what I'm describing:

(obviously, this is a fake image, I'm just using it to get my point across)

Now on its own, there's nothing wrong with this tweet. In general, there's nothing with this tweet. It's just showing frustration with people making every relationship a romance even if two characters only interacted for a few minutes. That's true. Shippers do enjoy pairing two people together, particularly men, who don't really interact with each other. Here's the thing though. This is an argument that's very popular and one that's been used by some not-so-well-meaning people.

Alright, it's sad people hours now, sorry sis. So for a good amount of queer people who are online or are big fans of fiction, fandom has been a big part of their lives. Shipping, in particular, holds a special place in many queer fans' hearts as, even though it's pathetic, ships were a lot of people's first exposure to genuinely queer content focused around queer characters. It would be through this shipping that a lot of people would find friends who were into the same media and fan content. Some of these people would grow up together and eventually find out that the other was queer. Some of these people would go on to have romantic relationships with each other, and because they meant because of a ship, would go on to continuously celebrate it as if it were real because part of the reason their romance is real is because of that ship. Sometimes people will hold certain ships dear to their heart because they were able to use them to not only find other people like them but explore their own sexual and romantic orientation via fan fiction and fan art.

The attachment to fictional, non-canon relationships would be met with consequences, however. A lot of people would become TOO immersed in their ship and would start to get into debates with straight shippers. Many of which were, unfortunately, homophobic or queerphobic in some way. A lot of the arguments these people would use were a lot of the arguments used today. "Said ship isn't real, you're delusional", "That wasn't the writer's intention", "Stop forcing your ship onto other people", "Two people can't be friends anymore".

It's when you look at it through this lens:

That the fake tweet above starts to look like it was trying to say something a bit different:

Now is this what the tweet is actually saying? Probably not. TityMaster69 might be someone who has faced harrasment from shippers innocently trying to vent out their feelings, but because many people with malicous intentions have said the exact same things and used it as an excuse to speak ill of queer people in fandom, it FEELS a lot more mean-spirited than it might actually be. To add to that, many malicious people have used the reactions of queer shippers as a means of giving a pass to genuine queerphobia inside fandom outside of shipping:

The screenshot ARE real this time and in are relation to this btw:

https://twitter.com/samelCamelCase/status/1382846776806412290

Now to be fair StarVolt358 did apologize to the person who retweeted the post, but the fact that they even brought it up at such an inappropriate time does still prove my point because, in a way, they did bring it up to draw less attention to the queerphobia in the KH fandom.

Stuff like this has led to queer shippers being berated and attacked by straight shippers in the community, even though in some cases they can do more damage than the people they're calling out. Let's not forget when Reylo fans doxxed and harrassed the actors because they didn't like whatever happened in the Rise of Skywalker, or when Sokai fans harrassed the voice actor SpuukyLIVE on Twitter for joking that the scene in kh2 when Sora sees Riku again was gay.

As I do not have a lot of energy, there are a lot of nuances I've missed, like many people who like queer m/m ships being straight teen girls and not actual queer people or queer people who like straight ships. This was, however, just a post to get my full thots out there. I'll shut up now.

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.

Your POV

The 57th expedition is two days from now and to make things worse, Hanji came over. She declared that as it is our only titan shifter's first expedition, we will be drinking tonight to celebrate. Although her motive was to experiment if Eren can get drunk, heichou strictly denied her requests since Eren is underage. I personally didn't want to drink because those men from when I was 5 were always drunk. "Drunk people are bad and dangerous" was a thought that was stuck into my head. Hence, I was planning to avoid their little party at all costs. It was morning at the moment and we were supposed to have breakfast. I made tea for everyone since I woke up before everyone else. I had already memorised how everyone had their tea, 2 spoons of sugar and milk in Oluo, Gunther and Petra's, 1 spoon sugar without any milk in Eld's, 3 spoons in mine and sugarless for Levi heichou. Eren didn't like tea. I had it all memorised because I tend to wake up before everyone else and thus, I always get the breakfast duty. I made pancakes for everyone and when I was done, I poured my tea in a cup and started reading the book. Every day, Levi would wake up early and sit with his own book and tea too. We would discuss the contents of the books when I go to clean his room. We would also share some of our personal issues to eachother and while I don't know how much it helps him, but it helped me ease up quite a but. Just as I was thinking these, he entered the dining hall as usual and took his cup which I had already filled with tea just the way he liked it. Eventually everyone else came around thus making it impossible to read because of the commotion. Hanji started blabbing about her experiments. Yes, she arrived yesterday and stayed the night in a spare room.

After breakfast, it was time for training. Levi heichou was giving me intensive 3DMG training recently since I already passed his strength trainings. We sparred more later, to test how much I had improved my strength and he won most of them due to his immense stamina which was impossible to match but I gave him a hard time though. In case of 3DMG, he decided that I wasn't making enough use of my agility and that I should be able to match his speed and accuracy. I was still learning his spinning move as I couldn't get a hang of that anyway. Today, we were supposed to have our last practice session as most of us will have hangovers the next day. Not me though. I'll just lock myself in mine and Petra's room. I've noticed by time that Petra tried to impress Levi heichou a lot. It kinda pissed me off because who even looks for emotional attachment when they might die anytime? And it's not like heichou was interested in her anyway. That's another thing I liked about him. He was serious about his career. I had always respected determination and I felt like there couldn't be a better mentor than him. However, something about it was bothering me. Levi heichou was making me feel things that I never felt before. It started with the way he looks during our training sessions, no, all the time honestly. I started having these urges to touch those muscles beneath his shirt, that showed slightly when he was sweaty after training, his clean shaven and extremely smooth looking cheeks and that extremely soft and silky looking hair. God knows how it would feel to run my fingers in there... Yes, that's exactly the problem. I shouldn't be thinking these. Things escalated when he convinced me to stop cutting myself, something even my parents couldn't do. It happened a week back.

One week ago

I was cleaning the floor in Levi's room while he was getting his paperwork done. "So, the protagonist is in a situation where he couldn't blame the antagonist as the antagonist had reasons to justify what they did too. It kinda resembles our world doesn’t it? I mean, titans don't have minds so, they can't really control what they are doing..." I was talking to heichou about the book I recently finished. "Hmm. However, one has to do what one needs right? The protagonist killed the antagonist at the end. It didn't matter if the antagonist had justification for what he did. It depends on who wins at the end. If the antagonist did, then the he would've been portrayed as the protagonist." heichou answered, not looking up from his paperworks. "Yeah. It's the weak who always loses." I muttered. "Not always. One can start off as weak but get stronger. That's what smart people who want to live do." Levi answered to that, before stopping for a moment and asking, "You mentioned that you want to live to make things right didn't you? What is the 'right' for you?". " I don't know, happiness? That's my goal." I answered. "Well, that's what we all want. Anyway, what's your plan to achieve that?" he asked. "I don't know, it started with getting strong enough to take care of myself but I don't really have an aim anymore." I answered, acknowledging it for the first time. "If you want happiness so much, why do you cut yourself? As much as I can recall, you told me, you did that to remind yourself that you're alive. If you don't have a plan, why remain alive at all?" he asked me, looking up from his paper works at me, raising an eyebrow. "Well, that's true... I don't know what I'm doing to be honest... Being alive honestly is pointless." I muttered as an answer. It was the truth. I had no reason to live.

"Oi brat, take my advice on this, you're an extremely skilled soldier. You think I am itching to be alive? I have a goal to be happy too and the fastest way towards it is a bullet in my fucking head. But, there's also another way, that is using my strength to do something for humanity, getting this war over for good and opening up a tea shop. My plan in this case is to stay alive and keep fighting. I suggest you to have the same plan. When this war is over if you are still alive, these people you saved will make a way for you. And trust me, cutting yourself won't help you at all because that only limits your agility as, trust me, I've got into enough fights to know how much every single cut hurts. It may not affect your performance by a lot but a mimimum percentage of performance issues can get you killed in expeditions. So I suggest you to stop with that shit and get your priorities straight." heichou advised me with a straight face. "So, you suggest me to try my best to survive? If I can get through this war, then the people will help me make a way?" I asked before pausing for a moment and stating, "I honestly didn't join the survey corps to make some dead people proud of me. I just wanted to die I guess..."."Well then, you're at an advantage both ways. If you die, you get to your goal. If you live, you get to your goal in long term too." he answered.

"Heichou, why did you join the survey corps?" I asked him out of curiosity. "Well, Erwin blackmailed me into it at the begining but later, I decided that my life was meaningless too and decided to do exactly what I advised you to do." he answered. He was right. If I survive, after the war with titans are over and the survey corps are disbanded, I'm sure they will give us all a way to live. However, will I always be alone? What's the point of living like that? No, wait, Uncle Erwin will be there... He's as good as family, so I'll be fine. Atleast as long as he lives. Maybe I'll even consider marriage... There are so many possibilities... Heichou was right. I had to survive or die in combat. Its good both ways. "(Y/N), if you really want to remember that you're alive at times, instead of cutting yourself, remember your interactions with your comrades. I'm sure you made an impact on a lot of them and you wouldn't be able to do that if you weren't alive." Levi ended his statement with that as I was leaving his room after cleaning. "Yes heichou. Thank you for the advice" I answered before leaving. An affect on my comrades, did he mean the way I intimidated them? But doesn't that mean that I'm an emotionless piece of shit? Or was he talking about my conversations with him? Did... Did I make him feel alive? Because, even if I hated to admit it, he made me feel alive. I felt like I didn’t have to hurt myself anymore.

Present day

Levi heichou beat me this time as well after we sparred for 30 minutes. No one lasts that long against him. During the 3DMG session, everything was going well until suddenly captain Levi attacked me. He came out of nowhere and tried to cut me but I instinctively dodged and tried to escape him. I was shocked as I didn't expect something like that. He was as fast as I am in 3DMG and with his special techniques, he was faster. He slashed his blade against me again and to block it I used my own blade but the blade broke. I was scared that he might kill me and that's when he told me that he was testing how well I'd do in unexpected situations and he definitely wasn't satisfied with my skills.

Levi POV

She was pretty good at running away but she used one blade at the wrong angle when I slashed my blade at her. Ofcourse she didnt learn about what angle to use because Shadis didn't know some of the tricks I learnt underground. However I expected her to use two blades. That's just common sense and the fact that she panicked in a situation like this is unacceptable for someone as skilled as her. She has a lot if potential but stupid decisions like that will get her killed. "Do you have a brain of the size of a pea brat? Anyone with common sense would use two blades. Are you trying to get killed in any unexpected circumstance? " I shouted at her. She kept a straight face but I could see the embarrassment in her eyes. Serves her right. "Sorry heichou. It won't happen again" she said with determination. I'm not usually too hard on her because she doesn't disappoint me often so I let it go. I taught her the angles she should use. It would make her blades last longer. She practiced with complete determination but failed to get the spinning move done. Honestly, no one I trained was able to do that, so, I didn’t judge her. However, she wasn't the one to give up. I respected that about her as a mentor. It was time for lunch and Petra already cooked stew. We had lunch and I saw her head upstairs and come down with her 3DMG and blades. "Oi where are you going?" I asked her. "To practice the blade angle and the movements you taught me. I want to be able to get the spinning move perfected." she answered, saluted and left. I didn't expect her to be able to do it.

I went to my office to complete some paperwork and after about 2 hours, I heard the sound of her falling down with a thump and occasionally, frustrated cursing. I went to the window and saw (Y/N) falling on her face every time she tried but getting up to do the same nonetheless. "Damn, this girl will kill herself at this rate." I thought and felt a bit proud about being her mentor. I looked at her graceful moves through the air, which turned into a complete disaster whenever she tried to use the spinning move on the titan dummy. "There must be some problem with her balancing" I thought. I found her beautiful the day I first saw her. "Just another pretty face that's gonna be titan food" I thought. After she sparred with me and sat on my face, I think I blushed for the first time ever in my entire life. I didn't let anyone see though because it's inappropriate. Now that I see her potential and determination, she seems to be more than just another pretty face. She is what I'd call beautiful. I knew she deserved a normal life and yet she chose this uncertain life where death my come and where its impossible to have a family. She is a very brave person. I know some stuff about her past. How she was rescued from a brothel before being sold off in the underground. How she killed a Garrison member but was let out because she was a minor. I was curious about her given that I was from the underground too. As these thoughts plagued my mind, I suddenly understood exactly what was causing the problems with the balancing.

"Oi brat. Get down here." I called (Y/N) out, who was sitting on a tree, about to do the spinning move again. When she got down, I noticed that she got some minor cuts on her face. Atleast her instincts were good enough to make her use her hands to prevent her face from getting hit. "Yes heichou?" she asked, confused. "I have a fair idea about why you can't get that move done. Your body proportions are what's causing this." I told her with a calm voice even if talking about it made me uncomfortable. "I don't understand..." she muttered, clearly confused. "Your breasts are what's causing the issues. My body structure allows me to distribute all my weight at the correct points but as your body structure is different, the distribution gets disoriented as your breasts are the weights that make you slouch forward easily." I explained as calmly as possible. This was awkward. I saw a blush slowly creep upon (Y/N)'s cheeks as she muttered, "But they aren't too big...". " Well, the simplest errors can make it impossible to master this move. I'm not sure if you can do it but try using bandages to bind you chest and make the surface as flat as possible." I answered with a stoic expression, which was very hard to bring given that I have never talked to cadets about their breasts, and the fact that this particular cadet made me want to rip her clothes off didn't help at all. "Hai!" (Y/N) answered before running off towards the castle.

She actually did it. It didn't take any effort at all. I was right about the problems with body proportions. You came back after a while with an almost flat chest. It didn't look comfortable at all because she looked like someone punched her on the face. I, however, was impressed by her determination. And, the fact that she was able to get the spinning move done at one try. Ofcourse, it wasn't perfect, it had many flaws, but, it was an amazing feat as no one else was able to get this done. However, I knew that this wouldn't work well with her because being uncomfortable on an expedition isn't an option. "Oi, get down" I commaded her as she got down from the tree, pleased with herself. "Yes heichou?" she asked. "You won't be using this move. You're not feeling comfortable in bandages and that's as obvious as it can get. Just make use of the speed training we went through." I advised her. "Yes heichou!" she answered and as she was going off towards the castle, I spoke up, "Oi (Y/N)! You did well.". "Thank you heichou" she answered, giving me a rare smile. She really should smile more often.

Your POV

I came back being pleased with myself after getting a rare compliment from Levi heichou. After some very intense and not to mention, painful training for 2 hours 30 minutes that compliment probably was the best gift anyone could possibly ask for. I went back to Petra and my room to find Petra sleeping. I took a shower and went to take a nap. I was asleep but I was woken by feeling someone drag me out of the bed. I woke up and saw Hanji dragging me out. I tried to get out of her grab but Petra and Eren also held me firmly. I could've gotten away from Hanji easily but I couldn't fight with three people grabbing onto me. They brought me downstairs and Levi heichou was there too with a glass of alcohol in his hand. I was shocked to find him here and looked at Hanji and she explained that she dragged heichou out here so that he won't drink alone in his room, in Hanji's words, like a sad excuse of a human. Apparently he drank alone before expeditions. No matter how hard I tried to avoid drinking, Hanji was relentless. I had to drink a few sips of alcohol. As the alcohol started kicking in, Hanji convinced heichou to have a drinking contest. I had to admit that the alcohol made me feel light headed and more confident. I liked the feeling despite the horrible taste which is why I drank a bit more than I planned to. Then I remembered that my body weight was not enough to take it all but my head started spinning by then and I was slipping on and off my consciousness.

Levi POV

Hanji thought that she would win because she was taller but she didn't know about my high alcohol tolerance. After an entire bottle, Hanji was done. It seemed that she had lower alcohol tolerance than I imagined. I had one more glass and I won naturally. I was pretty drunk and thought it's best to go to bed. Before I got up, (Y/N) puked. Everyone was a bit surprised as they didn't notice her taking on two glasses like an idiot. Since no one was sober enough to get her up to her room, I knew I had to do it "Tch! They had to get wasted now." Eren was already sleeping as he wasn't allowed to drink. "Ofcourse she puked. She didn't come down for dinner" I remembered. "Petra, get Eren to clean this mess up. I'm taking her upstairs and you're coming with me to clean her up" I stated with authority to a tipsy Petra. I took her to the bathroom in their room and made her sit on the floor. She was barely conscious. I waited outside for Petra to be done washing and dressing her so that I can pick her and put her to bed. Petra called me when she was done. I picked (Y/N) up and put her to bed while Petra was washing her clothes.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Your past will be explained now. It includes rape and underage sexual acts and, well, some seriously nasty stuff so don't read if it bothers you. Skip to the next chapter in that case.

"Heichou?" she called out weakly before I left. "What brat?" I asked keeping my usual bored face. "The first day we met, didn't you call me a privileged brat? How does it feel to know that the only thing your prostitute mother told you is that you're born to do exactly what she does? How does it feel when those men do things to your mother and all you can do is sit in the room and read a book to pretend nothing is happening? How does it feel when those drunk men touch you, do things that they did to your mother and hurt you like your body is splitting? How does it feel to know that your mother left you to these people and that you'll never see her again? How does it feel to be hit and cut by these men? How does it feel not being given water unless you drink the semen of those people? How does it feel when you gladly do it because you are so thirsty? You don't know anything about the life I had, heichou. When they told me I'm safe after taking me out of that horrible place, I believed them and I regret it because that man I killed wanted to do the same things I went through in that hell. He told me that I shouldn't mind because he assumed I enjoyed these back then. I enjoyed slitting his throat and gauging his eyes out. You knew nothing heichou " she said, her voice cracking as tears left her eyes. I looked at her, shocked by her sudden confession. I had no idea that she still remembered what I told her that day. I had no idea it hurted her feelings to that extent. Besides, as much as I knew, she never said anything about herself to the court or to anyone. As much as I knew, she didn't talk in her court case about murdering that man. She only did it for self defense. I looked at the weeping girl. She was a brave soldier and seeing her break down like that made me feel things I didn’t quite understand. It made me do something that I never did for anyone before. I sat on the edge of her bed, took her hand and said "Now you know how to fight. No one can hurt you now. You can trust yourself and if you want, you can trust me. I'm sorry about my behaviour that day. I shouldn't have judged you without taking a closer look." She gave me a shocked look after I said that. I gave her a small smile, and left the room. This was the first time I smiled after years.

To be continued

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder, @realityisoftendisapointing

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn��t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ro

Ali: what's wrong Ro: What do you mean? There's nothing wrong Ro: I'm fine, thank you Ali: why aren't you talking to us then Ro: We are talking Ro: As for her, I have no idea who she is, so forgiven me for being hesitant Ali: She goes to School with us Ali: has done for like Ali: ever Ro: Well, I've never seen her before Ali: now's the perfect chance to meet her then Ro: When she's taken god knows what, I don't think so Ali: whatever she's taken doesn't impair your ability to be courteous, does it Ali: she was being perfectly nice to you and you were quite rude, frankly Ro: Telling me how pretty I am isn't nice, it's superficial Ali: you don't lose humility points by accepting compliments, come on Ali: if anything, what did Shakespeare say about protesting too much Ro: If anything, I lose credibility for accepting compliments that are clearly that false Ro: Particularly from someone who won't remember the interaction tomorrow Ali: How is that clear Ali: at all Ro: No girls are that nice, not to me Ro: Whatever she's setting me up for, I wish for no part in Ali: not to her either, if you cast your mind back, I'm sure you'll recall her name and the bitchery attached if nothing else Ali: that's just how she is, or how high people are, if you'd prefer Ali: it's genuine Ro: Oh, that's who she is. Now it makes sense why you've taken her under your protective wing for the day Ali: excuse me? Ro: You are very much a patron saint of lost causes at times, dear sister Ro: It's genuinely to be applauded Ro: I can do that from afar though Ali: Can you? Ali: because you're doing a poor job if you claim you are currently Ro: All I'm claiming at the moment is that the spectacle of the two of you is a little much to witness in such close quarters Ali: we're enjoying the BBQ Ali: it is meant to be a party Ro: It's a family BBQ, there's very little cause or need for celebration attached Ali: that might be how you wanna do it Ali: but not me Ro: Clearly Ro: It's very apparent you wish to have your cake & eat it, regardless of whether or not you leave the grill well enough alone Ali: I'm not sure you're very sure of anything right now Ali: least of all what you think of me and my intentions Ali: just ask me Ali: or say what you mean, at the very least Ro: I'm sure I don't see your girlfriend here, and yet, I somehow I almost do Ro: The next at the very least Ali: For one, Carly is straight Ali: and for two, I'm not going to make you break up with her for me, even if I was, so there's no need to concern yourself with that Ro: I'm not sure you're very sure of her of her or her intentions, Ali Ali: I take people at face value Ali: for better or worse Ali: I'm not forcing you to do the same but surface level is a little beneath all of us, no? Ro: Is she not a little beneath you? Ali: no Ali: who is Ali: what do you even mean by that Ro: Would you or would you not be in this vastly inappropriate state right now if she was not here Ro: She's bad news is what I therefore mean Ali: I'm high, I'm not Ali: shouting racial slurs or denying the holocaust, Lord Ali: and I've been high, plenty of times Ali: a second ago you didn't know her now you're certain she's bad news Ro: I know what everyone says about her Ro: That she doesn't deny any of it, quite the opposite Ali: so? Ali: like you said, everyone says things about you too Ali: doesn't make it right, even if any of it's true Ro: I'm not proud of being scapegoated, she obviously revels in her reputation, true or otherwise Ro: Is that how you want to be now? Ali: so she should revel in shame instead? Ali: maybe it's how she deals with it, I don't suppose to know Ali: but I don't suppose to say either of you is right or wrong, either so Ro: I'm not saying she's wrong, I'm not saying anything Ali: you don't need to Ali: I know you Ro: If you knew me even slightly you wouldn't be asking me to socialise with her Ali: I'm not asking you to be her best friend, or to even say much of anything at all Ali: just not be outright rude to her when she was polite to you Ali: shy or not, there's no need Ro: I don't know how to respond to that, is all Ro: you wouldn't take it so personally if you weren't so invested in this girl all of a sudden Ali: yes I would Ali: you being rude to any of my friends Ali: or guests, frankly, as I said, no need Ali: even if you have to resort to an awkward laugh and a thanks, your reply doesn't have to match in sincerity Ro: Knowing me, as you claim, you'd be aware that I was not rude in the slightest Ro: Walking away when you have nothing nice to say is in fact the polite approach, supposedly Ali: so now I don't know you? Ali: this is just silly Ali: but fine, if that's how you'd like it, I'll take a leaf from your book Ro: You're in a silly mood & not one that I'm here to entertain, that, indeed, is what your guest is for Ali: A silly mood Ali: Patronizing, for a start Ro: Well, again, you'll have to forgive me because that is how Tess is choosing to behave towards me in light of your every action and the frustrations for her therein Ro: You get to do as you please & I have to wage war over quantities of salad that have or have not touched my plate & so Ro: Here we find ourselves Ro: On opposite sides of this party Ali: I suddenly have control over her Ali: she'd pull you up on that regardless, you know she would Ali: perhaps more politely or gently but seems tempers are flaring as hot as the weather calls for Ro: You have control over yourself, or would, if you were not intoxicated by & with your guest Ro: & I would have someone to distract me from the torment if you remembered that I'm also on the list of invited people Ali: you don't know what I'm on, even, nor the effects Ali: again, if you'd have just asked me, I'd tell you Ali: I can't very well leave her alone as soon as we arrive Ali: especially when everyone is being as unwelcoming as possible Ro: You can very well leave me alone & yet still expect me to be welcoming Ali: I've not left you alone Ali: I was trying to talk to you Ro: You were trying to get me to talk to her, it's entirely different Ali: again, what am I going to do Ali: tell her to go away for a second whilst we have a private conversation Ali: we have all the time for that Ro: You invited her, you could have not, or warned me that you were Ali: okay, I could have told you, I accept that Ali: I didn't see it being the issue it is but fair Ro: I accept that I was abrupt & could've made her uncomfortable, in spite of it not being my intention Ali: okay Ali: that's fine then Ro: I'll resolve to try harder when I'm not in as much of a trying situation as this Ali: alright Ali: do you want me to talk to mum Ro: No Ro: I want her to stop talking about me like I'm being a problem Ali: I know Ali: that just makes her think she can solve it Ali: if she puts it like that Ali: it's a her thing Ro: Why am I even a topic of conversation, aside from not having one with Carly I've done nothing wrong Ali: they just worry Ali: that's their job Ali: has to be about something Ro: She has plenty of actual things to worry about or real problems to solve Ali: well you know Ali: glutton for punishment or whatever Ro: Well, she should go be a glutton for burgers before the flies are Ali: 😂 Ali: very true Ali: and good idea Ro: My IQ may not match yours point for point but it's sufficient enough for a 💡 or two Ro: On occasion Ali: 😏 okay okay Ro: Even when my enthusiasm has dimmed because Tess is trying to fatten me up for the new school year Ali: it is autumn term Ali: anyway Ali: amount of celery in it there's like, no gain Ro: Anyway, there are no such thing as negative calorie foods Ro: Celery still has 10 per stick Ali: yeah but burn that off by giving mum dirty looks whilst nomming Ali: easy Ro: if you could burn calories with looks she'd be a lot thinner Ali: savage Ro: & Bea would be invisible Ro: Alas, she can very much be seen Ali: not for much longer Ro: Mysterious Ali: not really Ali: uni beckons Ro: She'll still have to show herself, he's here Ali: of course Ali: wouldn't be surprised if he ends up there though Ro: Very little would surprise me when it comes to the two of them Ro: if they actually parted ways for good perhaps Ali: seriously Ro: Cathy & Heathcliff wish they were that intense Ali: what actually constitutes a moor Ali: have to check Ro: Typically, uncultivated hill land Ali: Hmm, reckon we're safe then Ali: technically moutains so Ro: & there are no low lying wetlands either which also constitute moors in the south of England Ali: is where she's going so Ali: cracked it Ali: not about the prestige at all Ro: If she packs a flowing nightdress it's proven Ali: I'll get her one Ali: going away present Ro: I'll embroider something fitting on it, just give me enough time Ali: but of course Ro: I'm sure it'll be extremely appreciated Ali: 'bout all I can afford, sadly Ali: have to get a sugar daddy herself Ro: You could always regift her the work itself, we have a copy that doesn't have too much marginalia as yet, that's free Ali: you should Ali: it's a good idea Ro: Potentially Ro: There are lots of other books I could add too, as applicable in their own ways Ali: quite how she's taking all the stuff she has as is Ali: da will probably have to drive Ro: She'll probably become a minimalist just before Ro: Take almost nothing Ali: with all those clothes? Ali: good luck Ro: Capsule wardrobes are very on trend, apparently Ro: Especially for students Ali: I'll have to Ali: though I'll miss the dressing up cupboard 💔 Ro: You don't have to take shoes, that'll leave room for costumes Ali: 💡 #2 Ro: Just believe, all you have to do Ali: 🙏 Ro: 🌠 Ali: [the fraze stuff happens] Ali: I'll see you later Ali: gonna party on Ro: Oh okay Ro: With or without your friend and brother? Ali: I highly doubt he's going anywhere without Bea's say-so Ro: Is she going to follow you or her wandering eye? Ali: I don't know Ali: she's got the deets Ro: & that's fine with you Ali: Not her keeper, like Ali: no doubt any of 'em will take great delight kicking her out if she don't go of her own freewill Ro: You don't think it's odd that you consider me rude for refusing to engage in conversation but not her for flirting with your brother right in front of you when you've been flirting with each other since you arrived Ro: & goodness knows how long before that Ali: I consider it rude to Bea, at best Ali: just embarrassing for me, and the rest of us Ro: I told you, she's got no shame, you'll need to take a leaf from that same book if you're going to be friends, I think Ali: let's not Ro: Fine, but it's not me you're mad at, let's not pretend that you don't need to address this with her Ali: I'm not mad either Ali: it is what it is Ali: I don't know what you propose I should do Ali: or should want to do, even Ro: It's obvious what you want to do Ali: is it Ro: Yes Ro: To you & the rest of us Ali: It just makes me sad, if anything Ro: You're allowed to be sad that she's not immune to Fraze's charms Ro: We were all hoping for better from her Ali: very droll Ro: Very accurate Ro: I thought she only had her head turned by travelers Ali: it's not that deep, babe Ro: I did say head turned, not heart stolen Ali: like I said, not a big deal Ro: If that's true, why are you sad? Ali: I'm sad FOR her Ali: not because of Ali: that she feels the need to do these things, and would continue without any indication that she should Ro: Earlier you didn't suppose to know how she feels, now you do? Ali: I'm not that dense Ali: can continue to think it's a joke though Ali: I don't care Ro: You can't have it both ways, either it's 'not that deep' & she's free to emerge relatively unscathed as are you, or it is, & it needs to be addressed Ali: Jesus Ali: you don't get it Ali: it's not that deep like Ali: if it wasn't Fraze it'd be someone, anyone else Ali: he's irrelevant to the equation, she's not picked him to be malicious or some shit like that Ro: I understood that perfectly well Ro: & either you're both fine with that or you aren't Ro: Which is it to be Ali: just because it is doesn't mean anyone has to be fine with it Ali: never said that Ali: that's not how life works Ro: if you like her, tell her Ro: that's how life works Ali: it really isn't Ro: Yes it is Ro: pick up a book, turn on the TV, look around Ali: that's not real Ro: Every relationship started with a confession Ro: There's nothing more real Ali: just stop Ro: She'll do it for you eventually, if you're willing to wait & pine Ali: when have I ever pined Ali: you're just being stupid now Ro: Exactly my point, why start now Ali: you were giving me plenty of reasons earlier Ali: I have a girlfriend, she's straight, main two Ro: She clearly likes you too, however she identifies Ali: it isn't that simple Ro: You're making it complicated Ro: before you're even spoken to her Ali: no, I've spoken to her Ali: it was you that hasn't Ro: Oh okay & she said she wasn't interested in you romantically Ali: yeah Ro: Fine Ro: Because you've got a girlfriend or because she prefers boys Ali: because she likes boys, only Ro: Perhaps she's just a tactile person and genuinely very complimentary Ro: But that sounds way less real than anything I said that you disbelieved Ali: I dunno, okay Ali: why are you suddenly so for it though? Ro: Why wouldn't I want you to be happy? Ro: That's rude Ali: isn't she gonna drag me down Ro: I've never made any secret of how I feel about anyone you've chosen to date thus far, just because my feelings are negative towards them doesn't mean yours are Ro: Or should be Ali: neither have I Ali: Carly's going out with Ronan, you know Ro: I doubt she's going out with him Ro: not in any committed way Ali: why Ali: you know exactly how committed he can be Ro: She wouldn't be flirting with you or Fraze if she felt similarly Ali: maybe they're chill like that Ali: can't all be Bea and Fraze Ro: Change committed to traditional in that instance Ali: don't blame them Ro: Of course you wouldn't, if their relationship is open, you have your opportunity to be with her back Ali: charming Ali: I'm not that scheming Ro: I'm not sure your absent girlfriend would agree but I'm not saying that you are Ali: what are you accusing me of on her behalf then, like Ro: I'm not accusing you of anything Ali: 👍 Ro: It's Carly's motives you should be careful of Ro: If you're so certain she's not interested, well, she's definitely enjoying your attention Ali: it's no effort for me Ali: she can have it Ro: Until it makes you sad Ali: it won't Ali: no more than I can handle Ali: don't worry Ro: That's impossible, telling me not to worry is like telling the stars not to come out or trying to change the tides Ali: well Ali: I know that Ali: but you don't need to worry about me, yeah Ali: like you said, more important, real things, yeah? Ro: it is real, I saw it Ro: & you're my favourite person to worry about, on account of being my favourite person that exists beyond the pages of a book Ali: 💚💚💚 Ali: I'll come for Hermione etc crown one day Ro: You'll need strong magic Ali: I know you're never doubting my magik Ro: I like to hope nothing's changed that much Ro: but the moon's not that forthcoming when I ask her about it Ro: The cards do tell me not to doubt you however, you'll be glad to know Ali: it hasn't Ali: good Ali: I'll be asking plenty questions of my own Ali: once I'm back Ro: I'm wishing on everything there is to make them on, with fingers of course crossed, toes too Ro: You should Ro: They've cleared a lot up for me so far this summer Ali: they always bring clarity, even if not obvious at first, or the desired clarity Ro: You remember that, it's a good start Ro: Perhaps you are still in there Ali: come on Posy Ali: I've not gone anywhere Ro: You have undeniably left, the where of which is unknown to me yet Ali: only literally Ali: physically Ali: just going to a house party Ro: No, it's as true figuratively, emotionally etc Ro: The distance exists and is only widening Ali: don't say that Ro: It's happening whether I speak it aloud or not Ali: only if we let it Ali: which I won't Ro: So I'll see you tomorrow Ro: that's a promise Ali: of course Ali: 'less you're planning to pack your bag and run off into the night Ali: need t discuss who's books, clothes, everything, is whose so you can't really Ro: Not unless I can also capture a star to use as a sufficiently bright torch Ali: wait 'til sunrise, sensible Ali: Rocky's probably gonna be jumping on mum and dad's heads but don't mean they'll notice anything Ro: After yoga, of course, I have a schedule whether or not running away has been penciled in does not necessarily mean it's prioritised above all Ali: again, so sensible Ro: It is me you're speaking to Ro: wise beyond her years or precocious, if you'd rather & it's not too late for that to still apply Ali: 😂 Ro: Well goodnight, if I'm to get up with the rising of the sun for my great escape, I'd better rest a while Ali: Oíche mhaith, codladh sámh 💚 Ro: Tú grá geal mo chroí 💞 Ro: be careful tonight Ali: 🤞