#I dont even have an ED and IM STILL UNDERWEIGHT

[splynter]

WHY DOES MY HOUSE NEVER HAVE EASY FOOD

[hailieshapedbox]

my younger cousin has a lot of mental health issues and its really affecting everyone in the house n we dont know how to help him help himself/: its a bit tormenting on everyone. ive tried to help a lot but i had to stop bc it was affecting my mental health and he started be really mean, now i see why everyone has to minimize how much they can help and be around. i just gotta vent real quick though bc i cant take this sometimes. my uncle missed his psych appointment with his main dr. twice and had me reschedule it bc his assistants that fuck everything up, had it all fucked up. i made my uncle buy a whiteboard to keep track of all his shit bc i have enough projects for myself, i texted him multiple times throughout the week about the appointment and helped with other reminders on top of other things for his business (and his friends jewelry start up). i texted him the day before and the day before that about the appointment, i put a post it note on the coffee maker that his friend just let fall aside and got coffee all over (but still it was right on the counter), and he still woke me up to ask me what time it was at and even had the nerve to tell me to get ready in an hour to “help get him going and get him over there”. bruh i went back to sleep, i was up for 2 hours tryna sleep laying there like a dead fish or whatever they say n barely got a couple hours. ive told him so many times ive been dealing with insomnia and he just thinks everyone has trouble sleeping and doesnt understand n ive told him im underweight and how i have no energy and its like nobody ever hears me when i ask for help. hes woken me up probably 10x now n i started hurting myself tbh bc my peace was being too intruded. i got handle and control of that though, i dont wanna hurt myself you know. but only coping method that ever helped. whatever when i got up i did knock on my cousins door n ask if he heard his dad and i texted him bc he didnt say anything. i went to go work out. when my uncle got home he saw me working out and tried to get me to go with and ik its only bc he wants me to sit in the office so he can nap in the car. i even made a joke about it and he agreed laughing and went to go take a nap. instead of going to tmobile to get this kid a new sim card that hes been needing and begging for for going on two months. lmao bruh i try

this was just one morning i could write books of diary entries accumulating my emotions but i dont have time for that tbh im procrastinating n finally writing out bc i just want this week to be over i want it to be monday i want it to be next month when my brothers getting here and my mom comes over and imma make ed come back in town.

idk if yall noticed but until valentines day, i hadnt posted anything the entire month of february. took this long being single to realize valentines day is my favorite holiday and i couldnt missy opportunity to share my heart. i even posted on iG for the first time in like a year. i love love, its all i am, its all i need.

ive had so many post ideas too, but everyone is asking so much of me. its crazy because a few months ago i fucking begged the universe for more responsibility and god damn did i get it, im really trying hard to manage and stay aligned any way i can. im getting close to getting really good. im tryna get there so soon bc i see it through so clear but i just cant. even stopped drinking and cut back on weed a bit bc i just dont have time for it.

i had a whole other thing to rant about and i could have so many others, does kinda help to vent it especially writing. i forgot what it was once i started writing about valentines day and happier things. its funny how easy it is to flow into different emotions, yet so hard to control that and discipline that. even when i then after put myself into my happiest spaces, just doesnt always work. thats why when i see the opportunity for happiness i take it and thats why i dont get stuck on things easy, i hate stagnacity (wrote a song about that the other day). not easily influenced, but easily inspired. music actually usually does it. well imma go see if it still smells like campfire in the shower n do that or something else productive n try to make the most of whats left of the day. fuck i usually post this kinda stuff in the middle of the night so not to many people see it, i try not to be a bother or negative. love you all always

[strawbseed]

tw: admitting that im alone

hi. im strawbseed. im almost 25 years old and i have been struggling with a restrictive ed/disordered eating for almost 10 years. in my normal life, i teach art and im an artist. im a creative person, and im somewhat spiritual too if i were to describe myself in some sort of way. basically imagine kermit the frog but a little more femme.

im here because im going to be alone for some time during the holidays. i used to be on tumblr all the time when i was younger. I loved it here. the ed community is pretty sparse here, i know theyre more active on other pages. i deleted my access to those pages and ed content about a week or two ago to try and improve my life, after revisiting them for the first time in almost two years. it triggered me a lot.

the truth is, i think i destroyed my self concept by coming back to ed content. when i get high, i see pictures of how skinny i really am. everyone tells me how skinny i am. my mom, my sister, my boyfriend even told me he thinks i should eat more. in some ways its validating, comforting, encouraging, but confusing. when i look at myself in the mirror, i see someone who is enormous in some ways, sick in others.

i never used to think bmi was that important til coming back to these websites and pages, but it seems like everyone cares so much about it now. after going vegan, i lost more weight even after being on the lower range of healthy for my height, so i hit underweight for a while. even though i noticed how it affected my performance as an athlete, i still feel scared to return back to a normal bmi.

the truth is, im looking forward to having a lot of alone time and being off of work these next two weeks so that i can control exactly how i eat, how much i workout, and try to feel light enough that im not scared to go back on the scale and see that im not really underweight anymore. i think i want the distractions because maybe i am a little sad to be alone for a lot of the holidays.

im not sure if i want to recover or not. i sort of dont think i want to. i think about it sometimes though.

im here because if there is anyone out there close to my age, who wants to talk over the break, i would like to text sometimes if you wanted. i wish i could say i would want to talk more after the break, but i just can't risk my friends, family, or the people i go to work with finding out about this. they know i used to struggle, but after getting "fit and strong" i dont want them to know that this is who i am inside.

[mental-health-advice]

cant talk to anyone irl about this so here i am lol. my mom used to make comments about my body, and how id be so much pretty if i lost some weight (when her comments started getting to me i looked up my bmi (ik bmi isnt the best assessment of weight/ health) to see if i was really that bad and i was normal leaning underweight) that kinda helped me, and i felt better for a while, and her comments on my body stopped (but her comments on her own never did) but i guess in quarantine it got to me more than i thought lol i started browsing the ed side of tumblr and downloaded a calorie tracking app, for two weeks i ate less than it recommended (im an overachiever lol) but i didn't lose any weight (technically i did but it wasn't visible so it doesn't really count lol) but the whole time i was terrified of depriving my body of fuel, accidentally starving myself, and overall doing more harm than good(which is why i refused to purge or fast) so i deleted the app and stopped. this was one or two years ago, so i thought it was over it, but lately the little nagging voice thats been telling me how much better id look and feel if i lost weight is getting louder (and more convincing). i want to lose weight but I don't want to do it unhealthy/obsessively or spiral out of control. any advice? (i dont think i had an ed, just an unhealthy relationship (ig fear would be more accurate lol) w/ calories/food in general)

Hey there,

Firstly, good on you for deleting that app, I know it wouldn’t have been easy at all! Being in quarantine was hard for a lot of people, and especially as it gave us more time to ruminate on the not so healthy things like our looks and weight like issues.

I am sorry that your Mum’s comments hurt you so much, is it a possibility that she wasn’t happy with her own weight and so was portraying that down on to you? I may not be right, just a suggestion!

Losing weight can be really hard and it can sometimes bring up unhealthy thoughts/ voices in our head whether you have or are suffering from an ED or not. I am wondering if you could see a dietitian? They will be able to come up with a meal plan for you which may help you to lose weight in a safe and controlled way. If you are not able to see a dietitian (completely OK if you aren’t able to – I know it’s not cheap) could you make an appointment to see your local doctor or GP about being concerned about your weight? They can also be great supports for people wanting to lose weight safely and help you to come up with a plan to help you to get where you want to be but making sure it’s a safe weight for you at the same time (like a dietitian would but the difference is that dietitians are specialised in food related concerns and especially for those who are struggling with their weight for any reason!)

In the meantime though I would encourage you to still eat regularly as this will help to keep you metabolism working, whereas if you don’t eat then your body will go into starvation mode and then consequently you may lose weight but as you know it wouldn’t be sustainable at all.

Try to eat healthy if possible and try and get some exercise at least a few times each week even if it’s just going for a walk. This will not only help with your weight but will also help to boost your mental health and how you see yourself!  

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[insecure-bookworm]

having an ed fucking sucks, and i want to recover but i just cant

my disordered eating habits first ”started” this February, but there were signs of it before. i remember crying in my basement during quarantine because i hadnt eaten in over a day but physically felt like i couldnt eat. my mom was one pf those diet moms, the ones who went on keto and weighed themselves every day and tried everything t get slimmer after having three kids.

having an ed sucks. im constantly stressed ver food and calories. even on days where i eat normally i constantly have yo tell myself that ill do better the next day so i dont break down. i keep lying to everyone around me just to do this shit. i have had a mental breakdown over waffles for fucks sake.

recovery sounds amazing. i want to be able to think about food without just seeing it as calories, to be able to eat out with my friends spontaneously, to get my hobbies back and have a life that isnt completely surrounded by calories

but i just cant. im not sick enough. i have reached a worryingly low bmi. im not good enough to be one of those girls who had their Ed for years and became incredibly underweight and went into recovery a bmi of 12.5 and will still be skinny even after recovery.

[theygender]

*deep breath* *screams*

[29121996]

genuinely the worst part of this is that i cant even Ask for help.

[widevibratobitch]

you have an eating disorder. you know this. you know you need to gain weight, because you are sick. you are sick and underweight and suffering.

if you were a stray cat, I'd feed you.

i won't patronize you. but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else. you are sick, you have a mental illness, and you need help.

i hope you can keep singing. if nothing else, do it for that. eat so you can sing.

i love you. take care.

okay putting the answer under the cut cuz it's gonna be full of disordered thoughts (yes, i am aware of that), ed talk and yeah, internalised fatphobia which is Bad, and also because i dont wanna spam people's dashes with my bullshit even more than i already do.

first of all, thank you so much for this, anon, I appreciate it, I really, genuinely do. Thank you. BUT. i am not underweight.

i WISH i were because then it wouldn't be such an issue. that's the problem. i started out fat and like, fuck the BMI but just to paint the picture - after xx kg down i am still balancing on the line between "normal" and overweight. if i gain weight now, im gonna just be fat again.

and i dont want to ever go back to how i was before mostly because of how people treated me then and the comments i had to deal with. i dont wanna ever hear again that im either 'pretty for a fat girl' or 'too pretty to be fat', or that id look like [conventionally attractive blonde celebrity] if i just lost some weight. im tired of being afraid of eating in public or going shopping with my skinny friends and not being able to find a piece of fabric that fits me.

i hear so many compliments now, about how great i look and how it's good that i finally started taking care of myself (lmao sike). to so many people around me my eating disorder is a story of success and self-discipline - because i was fat and now i'm not so obviously that's a gOoD cHaNgE. and if i recover (and yes, there is no recovery without weight gain) - it's gonna be viewed as a failure.

life as a fat girl is SO much more difficult. it just is. it's a fact. people treat you differently. i've lived my whole life like that and ive suffered from it since i was a kid. i dont think i could ever go back, especially knowing now how nice it feels to live in a smaller body.

as for my singing. idk. im thigh-deep in shit rn. no matter what i do, i'll be miserable. i am miserable rn so even if i do nothing, i'll still be miserable lmao it sucks. it just sucks.

if you've made it here, thank you for your concern, i really truly do appreciate it. i hope you have a great day and thank you again. ilyt

[tinylittlebab]

im feeling very pathetic today

my head has hurt so much today. i hate having chronic migraines:/ and what i hate most is that i gotta eat food with the ibuprofen

oh well. i went outside and exercised despite is being -8 degrees with -26 wind chill because theres something wrong with me. not even the ed stuff. i just simply cannot function if i dont go outside and skip around a daydream sometime everyday.

recalculated all my tdee stuff to check everything. 1460 for sedentary and with my usual exercise its between 2000-2100. thats about how much i eat without restricting or anything. just eating whatever i want whenever. i just exercise a whole lot.

i feel wrong for picking high numbers but i exercise far more than the average person and lower numbers are very difficult bc of that bc i will not compromise and exercise less. exercise is usually more effective anyway.

well. anyway. im going to do a gradual lowering bc i work and i dont wanna suddenly cut out a bunch of calories and have problems at work bc of it. its really not a big deal if its slow anyway. its most likely to still and be maintainable if i go slow. im trying to convince myself its ok. not like anybody is actually saying to me high res is evil. its just my own brain.

i dont understand why i so badly want to be disordered and why i have for so many years. im already underweight. its not enough though. well. i dont wanna make it about the calories i do eat. i wanna make it about the numbers i lose and the deficit.

honestly. most of my actual real care about how much i eat has always come from if other people are aware of it. otherwise its just me and to me if its just my opinion then id rather just exercise more and get the deficit that way. and i dont think theres anything bad about going slowly for myself.

but then i think about other people seeing it and like. i desperately want other people to see me as someone who barely eats. someone who lost a bunch of weight quickly. someone who they wish would stop losing weight. i want them to just be able to tell something is wrong. ofc since i only have 15 pounds to lose that wont ever happen. going below 85 is much more dangerous so im really gonna try not to let myslef want that. instead i wanna maintain 85. and i wanna be seen as that person who never eats and is super small and frail and pretty.

but i dont know anyone. im not going to know anyone. there is nobody to notice or think this. so whats the point in tryna make it happen immediately. might aswell do it the slower better way. and then i can maintain the weight easier. and its less miserable.

honestly im aiming for a below 15 bmi i should stop being mad at myself for not being anorexic enough. literally shut up stupid

[ana-recovery-positivity]

hey im really struggling right now and your blog is very comforting so i wanted to talk to you. i was restricting a lot last summer-winter but i never got to be underweight and i mostly recovered without any official help. now im baisically average weight for my height and i eat pretty normally. but my thoughts are constantly telling me that id be prettier/better/more valid/etc. if i ate less and lost weight. and i feel guilty about eating almost every time i eat. my signals for when im hungry or full feel broken and im hungry almost all the time but feel bad after eating. i spend way too much time thinking about food and trying to decide what to eat. and i feel so negative about my appearance all the time. i dont think i have an ed and never would have been diagnosed anyway. but im still suffering so much because of these thoughts. do you have any advice?

basically, recovery means rewiring your brain and unlearning all the rules that the disordered thoughts have put in place. and, well, the first step of recovering from those thoughts/behaviours is acknowledging that it’s an issue and making the conscious decision to conquer it. so good news is, you’ve ticked off that box all on your own.

the first piece of advice i like to give is to reach out for support from someone in your life that you trust. even just talking about it and knowing that you have someone to lean on when it gets tough can make the whole process a lot easier, since being stuck in this situation is often a very lonely and isolating thing.

to break food rules, you can do it in small steps, like set a goal for yourself each day. for example, eat one fear food per day and as you get used to it add more. the more you break the same rule, the easier it will become each time, because only doing it once isn’t conquering the fear. another example would be to add one snack to your day, or up the portion size of one meal, and once again as you get used to it increase little by little.

my tips about regaining hunger cues are to try and stay in the moment while you’re eating. like, if you’re used to being on your phone or watching tv or anything like that, turning it all off and sitting with yourself while you’re eating could be beneficial. that’ll help you be more aware of how you’re feeling instead of sort of zoning out and suddenly having eating past the point of fullness. i also suggest you check in with yourself frequently before, during and after you eat to familiarize yourself with how going from hungry to full feels for you in steps and then being able to pick out the point where you actually feel satisfied.

as for trying to decide what to eat, sometimes there’s more than one food item that we’re craving but we feel like we can’t have all of them... but we can. there’s nothing wrong with choosing more than one thing if that’s what you want- even if they seem like an odd paring. that’s just another one of those arbitrary rules that the disordered thoughts made up, and another opportunity for you to go against them and free yourself from them. another reason why making a decision is sometimes hard is just because it feels like there are too many options. the thing is, you have to remember that all those options are still going to be there next time you have to decide. that means you can choose one thing this time, another the next, and so on. your choice isn’t set in stone forever, if that makes sense.

lastly, and probably the hardest part, is refuting the promises that the thoughts make of being prettier/more valid/etc if you listen to them. to put it simply, those are complete lies, and your worth is not based on your weight. you don’t look at your friends and base what you think of them on the way their body looks, so why would you deserve to be judged that way? instead, remember that your body is basically just a vessel for what you’re really made up of- your personality, your dreams, your memories, the qualities that your loved ones see in you. and also, remember that the most important thing about that vessel isn’t what it looks like, but what it does for you. it allows you to run, dance, travel, laugh, see the world.

i hope some of that was helpful <3 <3 <3

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[emo-frogg]

idk if anyone can relate but idk if my eating habits could be considered an ed bc (this is literally just a big vent i don't expect anyone to actually read it since this is just my void)

1- im not diagnosed obviously

2- i have always struggled gaining weight and am considered underweight for my height

3- my go to foods are all super unhealthy (which does mean i feel shittier eating smaller amounts of my comfort foods even tho its still not considered a normal amount of food)

the main thing that is making me think i have a problem - whether its an ed or just restrictive eating - is the fact that every time i get slightly bloated or see a single roll on my body i feel like ✨shit✨ and lowkey hate myself even more. and whenever i catch myself eating semi normally theres something in my brain being like "haha ur faking it for attention" even tho literally no one irl knows why i dont eat much other tha like one meal and some snacks. anyways ig the message of this post is i hate myself and am constantly doubting anything that could be a symptom of anythhing despite actively attempting to get worse with my eating

also it is quite late here so sorry if you actually read all this just for it to not make sense

[puppysynonym]

im just gonna vent here for a second cuz i feel upset.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR:

-mentions of threatened sexual assault

- brief mention of an E.D.

-mention of yaoi/BL (i want to make it clear that i dont support it at all. its gross and fetishizes mlm relationships, but it plays a part in the context of an anecdote)

if i see one more post along the lines of "mY 5'10 aSs wHeN a 5'7-8 giRl cOmPlaiNs aBoUt bEinG tALL" im gonna scream.

im now 5'8", but ive ALWAYS been taller than most girls and a large amount of boys my age. ive been bullied about my height since i was in elementary school, and im so tired of seeing people post shit invalidating my experiences.

ive had people at multiple schools ive attended start rumors that im amab as an insult (which honestly is a weak ass way to insult me since trans women/femmes are absolutely fucking gorgeous and wonderful💞❤). but still, that shit eats away at you over time. im currently very confused about my gender identity, and i partially attribute that to consistently being told that i wasnt perceived as feminine enough by my peers because of my height.

its not just the assholery of people telling me that im masculine because of my height, its also people literally threatening to sexually assault me so they could figure out "whats in my pants" by "copping a feel". like fuck you. im really lucky that none of the people who said that shit actually touched me but it really hurt anyway because i thought those were people i could trust.

ive had people who i barely talk to walk up to me and ask if its hard for me to find a guy to date because im tall.

ive had friends point me out to boys who are 6'0+ and say "what about them? would you date someone their height?" only for the boy to come up with some lame excuses which ultimately circle back around to "no".

ive been told that i was dressed "inappropriately" at school for wearing fucking children's exercise shorts that on anyone else, wouldve been a normal length, but on me LOOKED short because my legs are so long. like they passed the stupid finger/arm length test and everything, but i was still picked on in front of my entire class for "not following the rules". maybe i wouldnt have been quite as hurt by it if girls shorter than me werent constantly getting away with wearing short-shorts that CLEARLY broke dress-code (dress-code is dumb and in all honesty, good for those girls for getting away with it, but it still hurt that i was kinda forced to wear knee length basketball shorts or pants in the summer just so i wouldn't get in trouble at school).

ive been given the male parts in dances rather than being part of "the hip lift" that my other girl classmates got to be apart of. and its not even because they didnt have enough boys to do the lift OR because i was too heavy (i was recovering from an ED at the time and was still unhealthily underweight). it was literally just because of my height.

i used to have an ex-friend that was shorter than me who i would cosplay with. im really happy that im out of that friendship for several reasons, but the only important one for the context of this story is that she likes yaoi. so whenever she wanted us to cosplay as a ship of hers, she'd always, without doubt, make me the "seme". listen, i get wanting our cosplays to be accurate to the characters height difference wise but we werent even that far apart in height?? like, she was 5'6 and i was like borderline 5'8 at the time (ive grown since then). and when we DID cosplay characters that were similar/the same height, she would insist that i wear flats instead of mary-janes because the later would make me look too tall. all of this shit probably wouldnt bother me as much now if she hadn't been such a shit friend, but she would also talk about how she always thought that xyz about her made her seem "sleazy" which was her code-word for masculine. the issue was, one of these things was her height. and i was OBVIOUSLY taller than her and she OBVIOUSLY acknowledged it so :) yeah.

there are DOZENS more examples i could give about how ive been treated like shit because of my height, but im tired so ill save those for another day.

in conclusion, i get to refer to myself as "tall". ive suffered enough because of it, i think i earned the title, thanks.

i want to make it clear that i understand that being a 6'0+ woman/feminine aligned person probably has more shitty repercussions than being 5'8 and im sorry for that. like, i have a hard enough time shopping for clothes so i can only imagine the shit y'all must go through :(

BUT IF I SEE ANOTHER 5'10 PERSON SAY THAT 5'7/5'8 ISNT TALL I SWEAR BRUH. LIKE YOURE 2 INCHES TALLER THAN ME. IF IM NOT CONSIDERED TALL, YOU ARENT EITHER :D

[recovering-witch]

weight restored and trying to accept this new body- and life.

“I would NEVER be one of those people that overshoot their goal weights!” well, I guess I am!

“I will NEVER be in peace with myself if Im no longer underweight!” well...I guess I was wrong?

I didnt gain all this weight and flexibility and sense of who I am in one night, not even in a month. Took me like the entire 4 months and a half I was out there.

In order for me to do that, I had to: cry over tortillas in my salad + binge + watch crappy tv shows + accidentally sleep in and be late for work + take care of my friends when they got drunk + get mad because none of my jeans were fitting anymore + eat brownies with my friends in the middle of the night + be caught for smoking pot in a hotel room + get lost in oregon + dance at parties + kiss boys- and girls, bc why not? + have a mental breakdown after being triggered by the most stupid things + have chocolate musse for dessert + realize drinking calories wasnt as big of a deal as I made it to be + allow myself to be vulnerable and have feelings and learn to express them with my words instead of using my body to show others what was going on inside. so you can guess, it was pretty WILD

it was a process and my “recovery wins” werent (and still arent) always food related. since eds arent really about food, that makes sense, right? so a lot of times (well, most of the time) my “recovery wins” had more to do with expanding my comfort zone by trying new things and accepting whatever it was I was feeling and thinking at the moment than with me challenging this or that “fear food” and ending up trading one behavior for another.

I had to actually become the protagonist to my own life??? I had to realize that living on automatic and watching from the distance as time passed by wasnt giving me the rich and fulfilling life I craved and deserve. I had to find my own voice and  figure out what kind of things I like, and what kind of things I dont. Up until now, I had been holding on to a very limited and biased concept of who I was (and what my role in this world was supposed to be) and throughout these months I had to face it a billion times, and question it, and tear it apart, and burn a lot of versions of myself because they, just like my pants, were not fitting me anymore and were just holding me back. It was scary and uncomfortable because they were safe and familiar to me. I had to take a leap of faith and see what happened and Im glad I did. 

[theblasianbarbie]

i think its so weird how i used to wish i was a skinnier like ppls obsession with thinness is so...terrible like i weighed myself today just to do it and i like....if i didnt have my boobs and if i still had this mentality of wanting to be skinnier id be like severely underweight bc rn im like 123 and i have like big boobs so without them id be like 113 and thats like soooo unhealthily skinny like...i remember ppl bragging about being like  only 100 lbs and stuff like.....thats so scary like....

and like i remember all my endeavors just to lose weight and being frustrated that it wouldnt come off and its like...sis ur normal fuckin weight and like idk its so weird ppls obsession with being thin like i remember when i first started college like this one girl was trying to reassure me that boys liked me and the first thing she said was like “ur thin” and its like....??? bc she was thin as well and its like...what??? like idk and also thinkin about sayings like “WHAT WAIST!!!” and like i egt its a joke but also like....being thin....is really...well the idea of being thin and thin as THE STANDARD is so....nasty like wow 

i def have thin privilege im not saying i dont but its weird how like thin women always even if they dont have an ED always try to be smaller or feel the need to be smaller or just point out their weight like its a bad thing so someone can comment calling them skinny idk but like wow 

[m-recovers]

hey can i get some advice? im in a program rn for my ed but i cant help feeling jealous of ppl who are sicker than me. i have ed behaviors but i was never underweight and i only lost my period for a month. idk i just dont feel like i have an ed and all i want to do is get out of the hospital so i can relapse

hi friend. this is so common in us eating disordered folk. the first week i was in hospital, the only thought i had in my mind when i saw someone more underweight than me was: relapse. relapse. relapse. relapse. but then i got talking to some of the girls. one girl, one of the most underweight girls there, if not the most underweight, actually hardly used any ed behaviors. she was diagnosed with anorexia, but she had never skipped a meal in her life. my behavior was a million times worse than hers, and i was a hundred times sicker than she was, even though she was thinner. the point is: your weight doesnt matter. an eating disorder is not a body type. an eating disorder is a mind set. a mental illness. not a physical one. you do have an ed. because you went out of your way to send me this message. because youre worried about being valid. because you think you need to be sicker. but the thing is; we’re never going to be sick enough for our eating disorder. and comparison will kill you. literally, kill you. please stay in hospital. please focus. focus on YOU. on your therapists, on your nurses, on your behaviors, on what helps you and what doesnt. on what you need. communicate it. communicate what youre feeling. everyone is different. every illness is its own world. what you struggle with, someone else might not struggle with, and what someone else struggles with, you might not struggle with. i never struggled much with over exercising, for example. but i still am diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, just like the girl who did struggle with over exercising is as well. we are all different. things affect every person differently. our bodies are all built different. you dont know their background, their genes, their metabolism– you just dont know. and you dont need to know. you need to know how to help yourself, and how to focus on yourself. you are sick enough. all my love.