#I feel like I have to be a tryhard and do serious stuff only and only put out my best stuff. I feel so weird even posting sketches

[askcapital]

Today I was so brave that I showed my animation meme WIP to my animation professor. I felt so cringe but now I feel so free LOL he was super nice about it and gave me a lot of good pointers, hopefully I'll get this finished this year. :')

since it's still Munday I can ramble about this, and since the animation is about Capital I can post this here specifically

[odusseus-xvi]

hi!! this is kinda a weird question but ur post about characterization for french ccs is rlly helpful for writing, so i was wondering if u had any like . tips or advice about speaking patterns or like. common terms or phrases they use and stuff like that. i have a lot of issues with auditory processing and other hearing stuff that makes it like . hard for me to always understand speech patterns or just like . what people are actually saying so if u have any like . advice or info about like How They Talk that u could put in text or like specific that would be cool. no worries if u dont/cant btw i completely get it i just remembered that u were the one w the previous helpful post ::D

Yeah, no problem I could try ! :D Now keep in mind again I'm not necessarily an expert, and I'm just doing this because it's fun. I still might make some mistakes, and miss some important details, but 'Ill do my best. SO

Let's go for HOW DO THE FRENCH (and swiss) CCS TALK :

Let's start with

ETOILES : So I feel like it might be the easiest because he's the clearest to me. He tends to speak at a normal space and in english with a noticeable slighly french accent, but not an extreme one. He likes to crack jokes constantly when he speaks with other people (most of the time hyping up others, and self deprecating, you know the "You are a legend, I am dumb".) . He can drop pearls of wisdom randomly through ridiculous metaphors ("You don't need to worry, My name means stars, that means that when you look I'm here." "It's like crossing the road, you have to, and there is cars, you need to be careful, but it can't be all you focus on. Wait I'm not sure about that one...") and sometimes actually genuine and inspiring, but more often that not in the tone of discussion, it doesn't sound like he's dispensing "wisdom of the elders", he's just a humble guy talking with you and giving a random advice. He often says in french "Wow a flop" when something doesn't work. Or "c.s.c." (Contre Con Camp, a football term meaning scoring against your own team) when he comments on someone being a tryhard for example ("WOW such a tryhard (csc)"). He'll often makes the joke that nobody likes him when they don't answer in chat to himself, (or chat) and will directly tell them "You want me to die irl don't you?" ensues a myriad of "holy shit you want me to die for real" answered by the "NOO" of the other one. Two last details that came to me, he rarely actually answers by "no" or "yes", he often use "Yeh yeh yeh", or "no no no". He also uses a lot of "euuuuh..." when looking for his words when speaking.

AYPIERRE : He is fairly simple too. He has a very relaxed tone, speaks slightly slower than most people, and has slightly noticeable french accent but less so than others. His tone differenciate between three states : Focused (while building or infiltrating a base), relaxed, and humourous. Note that he's never fully serious, he has that constant gremlin energy and smile that makes him want to make jokes that will make everybody cringe (his favorite pastime.) The only time he's been serious and slightly upset was when he earned gegg died or when he learned that the federation was trying to replicate his wine (there you can see his priorities). Most of the time people are assuming the worst when it's his countless time he starts a conversation with "So, I did something..." and is the type of guy to say "*known illegal act* is a strong word, let's say it's more like *not necessarily better*". I don't follow him as much, so I currently have no other mannerism in mind.

BAGHERA : I feel like she is a bit harder to pin down. When speaking in english she has a very noticeable accent, especially when she is tired. And talks a bit fast, especially in french. Though she doesn't crack jokes constantly, she has a constant chaotic energy that makes her say random things at times. She often say "Oh Yeaaaah" when she is happy or hyped about something, mostly when she is with other people to show them she is happy too. When she is ashamed or not understanding something she likes to take a voice we call the "Antoine Croute" voice (a character she played in a Rp series on GTA V), it's high pitched and really shy. (imagine a little "wut... ?"). She can be really serious, especially when investigating. She almost nver express vocally, in tone at least, her anger. Instead she sounds incredibly cold, like she was with ElQuackity. Her voice when serious drops a bit, and she speaks a bit faster. There is probably plenty more but I'm starting to get tired.

ANTOINE : He is the hardest to me because it is even hard to pin down in french. He has most of the time a very serious tone, while he ironically constantly making either dark jokes based on irony and cynism OR a pun. Because of this, it's sometimes hard to pin what's a joke and what's serious. His accent alternates between horrible french accent OR almost ProPeR eNgliSH. Even when discussing absolutely batshit insane things he sounds serious (he is not in reality, but it's a form of humor in itself). OCCASIONALLY he'll break and cracks a smile, and sometimes, even the heartiest laugh you've ever heard, a very vocal and deep "AHAHAHAHA" that you can hear a mile away (but it happens rarely.) Though I didn't specify, most people, including the french, stutter at least a little bit, and search their words, (like I said for Etoiles' "euh".) but Antoine tends to have a very clear speech, only occasionally looking for a translation. In the same vein, he also has a very quick reaction and can answer with a pun almost instantly (very impressive, especially when it's not his native language.)

That's pretty much all I can think of right now, and I'm tired. Maybe it's not exactly what you asked, but it's what I can muster. Hopes that helped :D

[sporesgalaxy]

Which character do you think would be the funniest to put in the old Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon? Because knuckles was the closest, but I think Shadow would be really funny

Ok Shadow would be PRETTY GOOD!!!!!!! but ONLY if you translate him into the show's looney toons tone by having him be like. Completely deadpan but still 100% capable of wacky antics and snark when you least expect it. Real "No One Will Ever Believe You" type shenanigans, or else throwing Sonic for a loop by "keeping up with him"-- playing along with the gag or else redirecting it. Stuff Eggman and his robots either don't bother to do or tend to fail miserably at.

Because otherwise he falls into the Serious Tryhard loony toons archetype, who always just gets his ass kicked, and at that point it would just feel like MORE making fun of Shadow for being "the edgy one," when I feel like the juxtaposition between his outward edginess and inward niceness has ALWAYS been the TRUE draw of his character.

ALL THAT SAID, I RAISE YOU: AMY! but, you know, in a PERFECT reality where she would get to be wacky in a way more FUN than just blatantly misogynist. I think the Sonic Boom cartoon and IDW comics have shown some of her comedic potential outside of just being a Silly Infatuated Girl, and I can only dream of the fun she might have had turning robots into accordians with her giant hammer, and maybe also dropping pianos on people or foiling traps by being heinously strong. smiles serenely.

[thefirstknife]

I don't get the players who hate fun, who just want the game to be for hardcore players only. It's fun running stuff like waveform GL in Momentum Control or whatever silly loadout you have instead of grinding godroll meta gear and turning the game into your full-time job just to practice enough to hold your own. Having fun with it is most important, I think. Win or lose should be fun! Obviously we all want to win, nobody goes into a match hoping to lose. But we should be able to have fun with the skills we have and the gear we like (especially if you don't HAVE godroll meta gear) and have a good time no matter the outcome. Can't do that if you're always matched with hardcore super tryhard players way above your skills.

Agreed. A lot of them are complaining how Control shouldn't be locked behind skill because it's not a serious game mode, "it's just quick play."

But like. I can't enjoy this non-serious mode if I can't leave spawn. I am not asking for skill based matchmaking so I can pretend that I am playing seriously, I just want to be able to play and have fun. Which I can't do if there's a 300x gilded Flawless gilded Unbroken 3-stack farming me with their god roll meta weapons and quick swapping. I want to load in and feel like I've played the game. In way too many games before SBMM, I was legit just stuck in a respawn-walk two steps-die-respawn loop until we got mercy'd and I could load into another match. Thoroughly unfun experience and a waste of my time. Equally unfun if I'm doing that to the enemy team.

[szivoszal]

started university this autumn and ive been busy with that, so i havent really been making big art things. here's a masterpost of movement figure studies, mostly but not all made out of pure thirst (stray kids, enhypen, nct 127 and some ssireum wrestling sketches)

this is enough and substantial on its own, though. keeping on trying new stuff and making strides in things im familiar with; for now that's campus sketches, dynamic movement sketches, trying out charcoal for the first time, stuff that doesnt require a ton of time and focus, just a bit for fun. (i havent been using color lately again bc it needs more focus...or maybe a different focus than what im capable of rn?) even if its not a serious progress in new mediums/techniques/thoughts/etc, its still worth it.

for a long time now ive wanted to put extra meaning into my drawings and works! but then it just doesnt fit my hand, i always end up focusing on the pure visuals of things, which has a spirituality on its own and its valid, but yeah... odilon redon has been fascinating me, for example. i wanna tap into something too, in my own way. though it doesnt matter what i think i want, bc intuition and affection always leads me in a direction i havent planned/thought of, partly bc inspiration has to have a freshness to really strike (have to do a thing Now or never bc the idea expires), and partly just cuz its the type of thing that gets worse and harder the more u try to control it.

im thinking that direct symbolism and meaning needs more effort/control from my part (for me personally, where im at rn), and although i dont hate the results, its not intuitive and doesnt feel great to make. so im waiting for when my intuition will be curious enough about it to make the effort. maybe now is the time. or maybe ill continue doing studies of stuff. i like observing. observing and studying without added commentary or judgement is very valuable.

another thing ive been thinking abt is the switch from studying in hs to being in tech art school to studying in uni. i cant do artsy stuff full time now (again), but also i dont Have to do artsy stuff full time and thats great actually. the universe didnt intend for me to go to art school and it was right, art uni doesnt sound fun now.

cuz i dont think art is really able to flourish in a space where so much pressure is put on it, when ur self esteem and so many things are dependent on ur output... or at least its not ideal. Or at least not for me. it seems to me that practicing anything is about a balance of structure (like a schedule to follow), pleasant effort (enough to feel youve done something but not straining), natural ease & fun. i tend to be anxious and a tryhard (too sensitive to structure and expectations), or have been for a long time, so the fun and ease aspect has been the main thing i needed for drawing and making things. i cant imagine making good things without a sense of ease.

going to uni for a different thing is also great bc the world gets so much wider... i enjoy spending time with getting to know stuff! ive gotten used to only talking about art, but its not just about art. it was that way when i was rly insecure and my self esteem depended on my drawing output. theres so much more to life and that much more is where art gets its zest from. that much more might be what ive been missing out on if ive concentrated too much of myself on art before. distancing oneself from art can be a good thing for connecting with oneself and the world, in that way.

in any case, i think im doing good. i enjoy doing this. this is the ease. should go study for my exams now lol

[amtwst-tls]

Starsending Outfit Deuce’s Personal Story translation- Part 2 [In the past, I...]

In which Deuce talks about his past and hopes, and Silver gives some good advice.

Diasomnia Dorm - Hallway Deuce: The Diasomnia dorm has a really different feel from our Heartslabyul...

Deuce: Pretty sure I'd be lost here alone, thank you for leading the way, Silver-senpai. Silver: I don't mind.

Deuce: I'm sure collecting wishes will go smoothly-

Deuce: Oh I've got a call, I'll cut it- wait, its from mom?

Deuce: She normally doesn't call me unless it's something important...did something happen?

Deuce: Please excuse me, I need to take this.

Silver: Go ahead.

Deuce: Hey mom, did something happen? What, you saw your mail?

Deuce: That's right, I got selected to be a 'Stargazer' and-

Deuce: Wha- don't bring up the past now! I've told you that I've changed since then! Don't worry about me.

Deuce: Geez... I'm gonna end the call now ok? We'll talk more soon.

Deuce: Seriously...

Silver: Was that your mother?

Deuce: That's right. Sorry for interrupting our talk.

Silver: You seem to get along well with her.

Deuce: Well, I guess you can say that. My old friends used to call me a "Momma's boy" because of that...

Silver: There's nothing childish about being able to get along with your parents.

Silver: I think it's only natural that you'd want to get along with your parent...someone you treasure.

Deuce: R........Right!?

Deuce: You're the first person I've met who could admit it so honestly...

Deuce: I was thinking this earlier when I heard your wish but, you're really chivalrous aren't you?

Silver: Do you think so? I'm not sure I understand but, thank you.

Silver: Now that I think about it, what wish are you planning to make on your wishing star?

Deuce: Eh, me? Um...

Silver: If you don't want to say it out loud, then you don't have to. I was just curious.

Deuce: No, it's all good. I'm going around and listening to everyone's wishes, it's only fair that I talk about mine as well.

Deuce: Well...

Deuce: In the past, I was a lot more rash....and my personality wasn't really the best.

Deuce: I used to get into a lot of fights...

Silver: Fighting is not good.

Deuce: Being told that so straightforwardly stabs me where it hurts... But yeah, I really do regret it now...

Deuce: But back then, I wouldn't listen to anyone, and eventually no one would believe in me.

Deuce: I'd get blamed for stuff that had nothing to do with me too.

Deuce: The teachers would immediately get on my case, saying stuff like "You were probably behind this" or "You dropped a cauldron again didn't you!?"

Silver: A cauldron?

Deuce: Oh, uh, don't worry about that.

Deuce: Well, it was only natural that people wouldn't believe me, and now that I think back on it, I really had it coming...

Deuce: The only people who believed me were my mother...and one other person.

Silver: There was someone other than your family who believed you?

Deuce: Yes, it was a cop who did his rounds near the school.

Deuce: He was one of the folks who actually cared about me, and would kindly listen to what I had to say...

Deuce: He asked around and managed to get proof that I was nowhere near the scene of the incident!

Silver: It seems like he was a fair person who wouldn't let prejudice cloud his judgement.

Deuce: Yes, my mom was just as grateful as I was for his assistance.

Deuce: So I thought that, if I were just like him, maybe I could give my mother a peace of mind as well...

Deuce: And that's why I decided that I wanted to become a cop.

Deuce: That's my wish.

Silver: A cop, huh...

Silver: I've heard that there's a special department in the Police Organization that recruits mages for the sake of solving crimes that involve magic.

Silver: However, it's an elite department that only accepts the cream of the crop.

Silver: Are you perhaps hoping to join that particular department?

Deuce: Yes... Oh, er, I'm well aware my current grades aren't going to get me anywhere near that job!

Deuce: I know they have written tests to check magic expertise, tests for flight, and practical tests to demonstrate the strength of our magic...

Deuce: I'm well aware that as of yet, I'm a far-cry away from being able to pass all these difficult exams and get hired as one of those special police officers...

Deuce: Haha...ha.....

Silver: ...

Silver: When I was young, my father told me this; "Human life is fleeting! There is no time for you to grieve over your incompetency!"

Silver: He probably meant to say that if we have the time to whine, we should instead use that time to put in more effort for our goals.

Deuce: Your father's way of encouraging was pretty harsh huh!?

Silver: That's right. I still hold those words to heart. ....Though the person himself doesn't seem to remember saying this...

Silver: You will not get rid of your anxiety for the future by grumbling about it. You can only do so by putting in steady effort.

Silver: If you have a dream to fulfill, then you should focus on that and work towards it. Do not give heed to anything else.

Deuce: ...I'm really glad that I came to talk to you today, Silver-senpai! I'm gonna do my best!

Silver: Yes, let's endeavor together. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Courtyard

Deuce: Alright, time for another day of collecting wishes! At this rate it should go-

???: Yikes, the 'Stargazer' is at it again!

Deuce: Huh?

Octanivelle student A: Hey there 'tryhard', you still preparing for the event all serious-like?

Octanivelle student B: Seriously, he's putting in way too much effort when it's just a school event, how embarrassing.

Octanivelle student A: Yeah, way too childish~

Deuce: If you're picking a fight then I'm gonna- ah.

-Flashback start-

Silver: Fighting is no good.

Silver: If you have a dream to fulfill, then focus on that and work towards it. Pay no heed to anything else.

-Flashback end-

Deuce: ...Hmph. Ridiculous. I don't have the free time to deal with you two.

Octanivelle student B: The hell, you trying to gloss over us-

Idia: Deuce-dono...what are you doing over there?

Idia: No way, are you slacking off on your duties?

Idia: Weren't you just spouting off about the responsibilities of us Stargazers or whatever just earlier?

Deuce: S-Shroud senpai!? Wait no, I wasn't slacking off!

Octanivelle student A: Wha- Last time it was the Vice Dormhead of Heartslabyul, this time it's the dormhead of Ignihyde!?

Octanivelle student B: If we fight with people of their status there's no way we'll get out unscathed...

Octanivelle student A: This really pisses me off... that's right! Listen up...

Octanivelle student A: *whispering*

Octanivelle student B: Got it.

Octanivelle student A: We're gonna let you off the hook this time! Smell ya later tryhard!

Idia: What's up with that classic getaway line.... isn’t that what NPCs normally say? Were they scared?

Deuce: ....Those two... Part 3

[gamerwoo]

Seventeen headcanons: seventeen as streamers (hyung line)

a/n: i watched the christmas in summer gose and now i need to make this or i’ll die lmao

maknae line

-

Seungcheol

this boy can and will rage at every single game he plays

has a set game that he typically plays but sometimes does variety if his friends nag him enough

but he won’t play horror games except one time when he hit a subscriber milestone and he made wonwoo sit in with him but he still got so scared he accidentally turned his stream off but decided to just not turn it back on lmao

he’s one of those dudes that like strictly plays cod or fortnite or overwatch yknow those kinds of streamers. he has one game he always plays and doesnt stray from it too often

but then like 5 of his friends will be in discord spamming him to play minecraft with them

and he still manages to yell because he keeps dying to creepers or soonyoung accidentally set their house on fire

tbh he can get kinda toxic,,,,,,

he’s one of those streamers that’s popular because he rages tho

like jay3

“CHEOL THERES A BUG ON YOU” *cue instant rage*

-

Jeonghan

he’s one of those male streamers that has a lot of subs bc everybody simps for them

not that he’s not good and/or entertaining, it’s just a lot of people simp for this man

and he knows it and he will openly fish for simps lmao he’s shameless

rages but at a lesser scale than seungcheol

it’s not really raging it’s more just like,,,,,quietly getting tilted lmao

lot’s of sighs and swearing under his breath and “are you serious/kidding me”

can also be toxic

plays whatever’s popular

plays games in cosplays randomly if he gets enough donations or subs or whatever

like playing overwatch in dva cosplay or ddlc in sayori cosplay or whatever

has a channel points thing where he’ll make an onlyfans but it was like an outrageous amount of channel points but somebody managed to redeem it so he ended stream lmao

people still ask him about it and it’s become basically a meme in his chat

-

Joshua

just ur typical streamer

has a few games he cycles through but will do other stuff with friends at least once a week

he’s a smaller streamer bc he’s just kinda doing it for funsies

not super rage-y but does get angy depending on the game

lots of talking to his chat and lots of meme-ing in games

it’s like 50% tryharding and 50% giggling and making content

probably has a Jarms (joshua arms) emote that a sub made for him lmao

his community may be on the smaller side compared to some of his friends but they’re very loyal and they’re kind and they’re fuckin hilarious

he often gets roasted/meme’d by his audience it’s great

he used to have a thing where if you got enough channel points you could redeem a thing where he’ll duo in a game w cheol and do poorly on purpose to make him angry for content lmao

but cheol found out and got even more angry so he had to get rid of it lmao

-

Junhui

you wanna know why he has subs?

it’s because he has half a braincell and just happens to get lucky when it comes to games

like with getting over it how he randomly yeeted himself up pretty far

he just accidentally does well and it’s fucking hilarious

he doesn’t need to create content on purpose, it just happens

he’s so wholesome he’s truly a family friendly channel

makes weird noises when he plays lmao

variety streamer but mostly plays with friends and doesn’t often play solo

gets really giggly and lowkey flustered when his chat compliments him

he checks chat often and tries to interact w his audience a lot but there’s a lot of people now lmao

he doesn’t understand how he got so many subs tbh like even he says he doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s “bad at games” but everyone is like “NO NO YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE”

his entire community and even his friends’ communities would protect him at all costs everyone loves jun

-

Soonyoung

like jun, he has a lot of subs simply because he is: dumb

has shut off his stream on accident multiple times

plays games that don’t require too much skill so basically not a lot of fps stuff where you have to be good to do well

only ever plays with friends so yes he’s a variety streamer

or he’ll play with his subscribers and stuff which he also really enjoys

plays a lot of like minecraft and fall guys and dead by daylight and things like that

stuff where he can be stupid and sometimes get lucky and win or do well lmao

gets excited bc he thinks he did something but his friends are like “bro u just died” lmao

or things where other people can do everything for him (like minecraft)

will play random games people suggest without looking into them so like the amount of times he’s gotten roped into playing horror games and just has a heart attack on stream is insane

but he always finishes whatever game he starts

nobody knows why he decided to become a streamer anyway like wonwoo had to teach this man how to use a computer ok

-

Wonwoo

yknow how some streamers get popular bc they’re genuinely good or they rage a lot or they’re just positive and nice or they’re funny?

wonwoo’s genuinely good so that’s why people watch him

like seungcheol he plays mostly like fps stuff and things that require mostly skill

but he will play other stuff with his friends

lowkey rages but he tries to not get too angry when he’s streaming

lots of “aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” when something bad is happening lmao

takes games really serious and gets competitive

there have been times though where he’s gotten so angry he just got up and left his desk

lots of huffing and there are some outburts of “WHAT!” and stuff like that

and mumbling under his breath

the amount of times he’s had to pause stream to help soonyoung figure his own shit out is far too much

there’s actually a counter for it lmao

-

Jihoon

despite playing games all the time, he doesn’t stream often because he forgets or doesn’t feel like turning the stream on lmao

so he also has a smaller audience like josh

he doesn’t talk much when he plays

he reads chat but he doesn’t reply much unless he’s like explaining something to someone or giving advice or something

will ban you for a day if you say he’s cute lmao

but his mods started calling him cute too and now his whole chat is just a mess lmao

but he’s started slowly opening up more and more

he’s picky about games he plays so he also has a set of certain games he’ll play

unless he’s really bored and all of his friends are nagging him to play something else with them

claims he hates goofy games but giggles up a storm when they play fall guys simply because “they run funny”

but overall he takes games pretty seriously and does get mad when he’s losing a lot or not doing well

nobody ever knows when he’ll stream again he’ll stream one day and then won’t ever again for like another 2 weeks at 1am out of nowhere

[toonbly]

4 and 6 for bideo games

6: A game that’s changed you the most?

OH MAN THERE’S A FEW.

honestly id have to name two: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Darkness and Pokemon Ranger Shadows of Almnia.

LIKE OKAY.

Mystery Dungeon was my first exposure to large narratives in video games. With all the emotional punches and plot twists and turns all over this thing with some of the BEST foreshadowing and character writing I’ve ever seen in a spin off Pokemon game, this is one of the things in my early childhood that got me really into storytelling. i remember specifically like, my first time doing written out prose was trying to make a novelization of mystery dungeon! i started making stories abt explorer teams with my toys and cards n stuff bc i was like 10 yknow what i mean HFKJDHFKSD

but then i also played Rangers: Shadow Of Almnia. this game was the reason i made my first ever comic! it was basically a comic version of the game but with my ranger OC Lola! she was also secretly a fairy whos parents were vaporeons but she WASN’T a pokemon ok she was a fairy and she has a deep seeded rivalry with darkrai who tries to kill her at some point but its fine.

yeah i was like 8 what do you want from me HJFJDSHFKDS

BUT LIKE LEGIT. THAT WAS MY FIRST EVER COMIC. I WOULD NOT BE MAKING FERRYMEN NOW IF IT WERENT FOR MY WEIRD MARY SUE RANGER FANFICTION I MADE WHENEVER I WAS IN LIKE? 2ND OR 3RD GRADE FHDJFHKSDJF

theyre the games that got me into stories!! and i wouldnt be where i am or who i am today without storytelling

4: Worst game you’ve ever played?

oh baby you already know its YIIK

I’M PUTTING THIS BIT UNDER A READ MORE BECAUSE GOOD LORD DO I HAVE A LOT TO SAY HERE FSJDKHFKJDSF

i bought the game to “give it a chance” sometime last year i think? bc like listen. listen. i only vaguely knew about the problems with it, i knew it had supposedly bad writing and the dialogue could be a little awkward. that was it. i took a look at it and tbh i liked the visual style! like

i genuinely like the art style for the talk sprites! and i get the vibe theyre going with the low poly models and the very bright colors, its supposed to be very 90s-esque!

it does kinda feel like its missing that little Spark that really ties it all together? its missing a little pizzazz to make it really stand out and REALLY get the vibe its going for, it misses the uniqueness mark but! it does its job okay enough for me to get what its going for!

plus honestly i found the intro sequence with the crow asking you questions really charming! in full context of the actual shitshow i was about to get into it was a little tryhard-y, but i liked it when i first saw it!

so i figured hey, what the heck, i’ll give this thing a try. the intros cute and i like the art style, maybe people are giving it too much flack.

and then. and then alex picks up that first phone call.

AND IT GOES. SO DOWNHILL. FUCKING IMMEDIATELY

LIKE OKAY. THE GAMEPLAY IS SO BAD AND REPETIVE AND GENUINELY BROKEN. im no game design expert so i cant really explain why, but combat in yiik DRAGS ON so much that its GENUINELY fucking draining. no joke while trying to complete this game i had to put it down multiple times bc it made me dissasociate. i WISH i was joking. i WISH that was exaggeration. it isnt. it is far fucking from it.

AND LOOK USUALLY. USUALLY. I CAN PUT UP WITH MEDIOCRE OR EVEN TERRIBLE GAMEPLAY IF THE STORY IS GOOD.

BUT THE STORY ISN’T FUCKING GOOD. ITS AWFUL.

it’s somehow both over explained and absolutely fucking nonsensical, characters will repeat themselves THOUSANDS OF TIMES in these long, repetive exposistion dumps that explain every single detail while making sure you understand NONE of it. the characters are unlikable (ESPECIALLY alex, the main character), it’s tone death and insensitive, and it’s just so. fucking. pretentious.

there are other issues in the game like racism, sexism, insensitity towards very serious topics (like using the real life death of Elisa Lam for shock value. no thats not a joke. the devs themselves have admitted this was intentional.)

not to mention all the shit the devs have done which we dont have TIME to get into-- LONG STORY SHORT YIIK IS A MASSIVE FUCKING SHITSHOW OF A GAME AND DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON IT LIKE I DID. i WISH steam would let me refund it. my brains gonna explode.

i think the devs owe me compensation for damages. just damages in general. /j

[skyhopedango]

State of the Season pt 1

So, so many shows! :O I don't remember the last time I watched so many ongoing shows. Alas, quantity doesn't translate into quality, but still, there are some pretty nice shows that I enjoy a lot.

Not these, though.

Dragon, ie wo kau

Yeah, this was crap. I expected something fun and fantasy-spoofy, I got a badly animated, badly produced, badly acted (from the main character) video-game-referencing show that takes one joke that is already not incredibly funny, and runs it into the ground until there's nothing left but dust. Pity.

.

Mars Red

Oh, this show. The first episode was stilted and vaguely pretentious*, but I thought eh, let's see a bit more of it. So I watched episode two and three, and bam, the usual vampire-hunter-vampires shenanigans with some half-hearted attempts at ~Historical Relevance~ but still pretentious. Perhaps it could've been better with more interesting/charming characters, but they weren't interesting at all... OK, that's not quite true, I liked that young vampire (supposedly the most powerful one?) who was always doing the "hey enemy vampire, you can join us or you can die" speech, that was cute.

*I mean... yes, you've read Salome. Yay. So how is it related to what happens in the episode? Does she kill the one she loved to possess him or something? No. Does she do anything even vaguely related to the story of Salome? No. So... what's the significance of the references? And from episode 2 it was downhill. EP 2 has Romeo and Juliet for "tragic lovers" which is about the most clichéd thing ever and the lovers' story had nothing in common with Romeo and Juliet other than them dying in the end. And in episode 3 the characters are literally standing around reciting Relevant Poetry. I suppose this works for people who are satisfied with understanding a reference and who want to feel smart for knowing some classical literature, but other than that...

I've been putting off watching episode 4 since Monday, and frankly at this rate likely I'll never watch it.

.

Fumetsu no anata he

3 episodes in, and oh yes, I remember why I didn't keep up with the manga. Look, I'm not saying it's a bad show. As most people I was very impressed with the first episode. Good stuff, emotionally powerful. But what happens after that is just totally not my cup of tea. Nonhuman entity learning to understand humans and gaining sympathy for humanity would be totally up my street - but not really when it happens via a generic adventure story, tryhard epicness tipping into unintentional hilarity every now and then, overwrought music, precocious kids mugging for the camera, and the threat of misery porn looming just over the horizon... and that's not even mentioning the obvious production issues apparent from episode 2 that further undermine the epic tone the show is going for.

I think I'll give it one more episode, although I have a feeling I'm not going to last longer. I'm sure the story will eventually have some profound things to say, but I'm also sure it'll be nothing I haven't heard before in ways that resonated better with me.

.

86 -Eighty-Six-

aka "Liberal Circlejerk - The Anime". (And while it can't be "white liberal" for obvious reasons, it has the attitude down pat.)

This show. This is what you get from a LN for horny teen boys fantasizing about being badass soldiers and naive girls in sexy uniforms, that also wants to say Serious Important Woke Stuff. You get a show about Super Special Teenagers that is hilariously dumbed down, preachy, self-congratulatory, and also cynical about how it treats its female characters. (And that's not even saying how stupid the setting is... I'm sure there'll be some twist but seriously, it still wants us to just handwave away stuff like "even if the enemy's weapons will expire in 2 years, how come nobody asks 'what if they built new ones' or 'what if they have other stuff up their sleeve'" etc...)

Really, I'd like to say that at least the show has its heart in the right place, but I can't, because for every preachy and dumbed down but decent message it delivers it does shit like ogling the main female character (whose uniform has a garterbelt apparently because the LN writer is into that), having her make cute pouty or blushing faces, pointing out how she's a virgin, having a "boys ogle bathing girls" scene* where the girls of course talk about boys and romance because girls, eh? etc. Hell, in episode 4 it even manages to undermine the single best thing that happened in the show so far by basically tone policing the oppressed character who told the MC to fuck off and not treat them as her morality pets. Clearly even if your friend was just killed in action and this random person who is also your oppressor and is wallowing in privilege, is crying in your ear making it all about her, you shouldn't be rude to her because aw shucks she meant well. And of course all it takes is a "sorry, I'll treat you like humans from now on, I swear" for everyone to start respecting her. Like, wow, she's committed to the bare minimum, where's the champagne?!

*Yes, the girls were dressed, but you just know that at one point in production (or perhaps in the source material) they were were naked. The entire scene is set up as a usual ogling-bathing-girls scene, so I'd bet money that what happened was someone in production vetoed it in the very last moment so they didn't have time to rewrite everything, only to give the girls clothes.

I'm still getting some entertainment value out of 86 (those spider tanks are pretty nice...) but oh boy, the cringe.

[yodawgiherd]

Red flag pt.3

>>>Read on AO3<<<

Soon brothers.

Just not yet.  :D

In the following week, Mikasa learned more about sex than she ever did before. While the internet itself was a fickle teacher, giving facts and hundred and more opinions from anonymous users, Eren was an endless well of knowledge. It was her who asked first too, he didn’t even try to talk about it before Mikasa brought it up. And how could she help herself, with such an insane bomb being dropped on her!

First things first – she googled the name of the agency he worked at, just to be sure that he was not bulshitting her, but everything he said seemed to be true. The website was there, displaying the “ wide variety of services done by long-term professionals”. Although Eren’s name was not there, he told her that he is listed as Master E, a thing she immediately questioned. Over messenger, of course.

Master E? Damn that’s lame.

You wound me :(

I mean seriously, couldn’t you be something cooler?

Such as?

I don’t know! Master Evil. Dungeon Master. Lord of the Night?

Yea, I’m sure that dungeon master would be turning heads

….. Orgasminator?

Mikasa pls

Lord horsecock

Stoooooop I beg you!

Fine fine, you’re just jealous I’m that much better at naming than you

Sure am.

When he didn’t continue, Mikasa took the initiative.

Sooooooooooo, gonna tell me where the Master E came from?

Simple. Annie wanted to be Mistress A so I just latched onto her vibe

Uh-hu. So you are just that much unoriginal

:( sadly

Just imagining Eren pouting at his phone made Mikasa’s evening that much brighter. She wanted to see more of it.

Latching on Annie, you do that a lot don’t you?

Why is that?

Well, she’s the one who introduced you to this whole thing and even today she is the best at your agency, most advertised one too. Playing catch up your whole life? Maaaaaaster E? :P

Hey, it’s not my fault that men are bigger pervs than women.

Excuses

To be honest, I don’t mind being behind Annie, she’s good at this. Also, don’t tell her this, but she scares me sometimes

Scares you how :O

Annie can be really brutal when she gets into it. Nothing the clients don’t ask for, mind you, but still. If you’d see her victims….. the wounds……

Mikasa’s breath caught in her throat.

Are you serious?

I don’t know…. Am I?

Dork.

She frowned at her phone, but still looked when the answer pinged in.

I am partly serious though. She can be a nightmare, sometimes I feel like she’s on a one-woman crusade against the male population. And she’s getting paid for it too!

She sounds like a hell of a woman.

You bet :)

Master E also had several scenes online, to be bought and watched, and a few times Mikasa almost clicked the button and spent her hard-earned cash on kinky porn. It was the promise of a live show that stopped her from doing so. She didn’t know if she’s going to go yet but buying a video of something she could watch happening in real time was a waste of money. No, she wouldn’t spoil that surprise.

She learned much anyway, way too much even, things that made her blush and hide her face, things that made her quickly hide her phone. In moments like these, she was grateful that the communication was being done over the internet, as Eren was way too intense of a person to be talked about this face to face. Here, hidden behind her screen, she could pester him for ages, joking and making fun of whatever he gave her. And, during these conversations, she learned another important thing.

For a guy who was more or less a professional perv, Eren used a lot of emojis in his messages.

It caught her off guard, how normal and easy to talk to he was. She didn’t think that he was a monster or something, but Eren was right when he said that her opinion of him changed fundamentally once she found out about his job. Mikasa found herself texting to him, a lot, and he texted back, snapped photos until she started doing it too, and overall just had a great time. Levi was giving her sidelong glares when he kept catching her while she stared at her phone, grinning like a maniac, but she simply ignored him. How was she supposed to not laugh when Eren just sent her a photo of his cup from a coffee shop with a crying emoji. Apparently, they spelled his name wrong again and kept calling him Aaron.

What’s the most common thing they ask you to do?

She half hid her face in the pillow, already dreading the answer. The three dots that appeared in the corner indicated that he was typing an answer, and soon enough there was a ping.

I feel like I’ll disappoint you here.

Most of my clients are easily satisfied  - basic bondage/dominance stuff works wonders

They could do that with literally anyone else

Like their boyfriends and stuff

Mikasa frowned, typing an answer.

Why don’t they then?

Ping

Sometimes it’s the professionalism I bring to the table, and then I understand them.

But often it's just a lack of communication

You’d be surprised how many things can be solved if two parties talk to each other.

I usually advise it too, tell them that they could be doing this with someone they love and not me

You undermine your own clientele like this? Mikasa wrote Why would you do that?

A few dollars ain't worth if they could be happier. Then again, not every one of them takes my advice, it's difficult to open up about things like these.

That gave Mikasa a perfect chance to poke at him.

Not for you, apparently :p

Ping

:D true, but I work in the business

The range of things they discussed was wide. Save for her past, which she did not want to talk about, and made it crystal clear too, Mikasa shared a lot. She told him all about her brother and the gym, sent him snaps from her workouts and then typed back angry emojis when he called her sweaty tryhard. His overall ignorance towards something that was a big part of her life did raise a question. Grabbing her phone more firmly, she quickly typed it out.

Haven’t you thought about doing any martial art yourself?

You deff got the figure for it.

A ping later there was an answer.

Bold of you to say that when you never saw me shirtless :P

But nah

I’m a lover, not a fighter

Plus, you’re just trying to recruit me to your gym, aren’t you?

Levi promised you a bonus?

Spill your beans, Ackerman

Damn spammer. Yet Mikasa was smiling again, which made Levi, who just happened to be passing by, groan.

“Don’t you have a client coming?”, he asked.

She shook her head.

“In an hour, I’ve got plenty of time to get cleaned up.”, she made a gesture with her hand, “Now shoo, I’m having a conversation.”

“With Sasha?”

“Huh?”, she looked up, puzzled, “Why would it be Sasha?”

“Cause I never saw you smiling this much before.”

One week turned to two, and suddenly the day of Eren’s show was here. He remained true to his word, never bringing that event up, keeping it completely in her hands, if she wanted to show up or not. Mikasa was uncertain. The mystery pulled her in, she wanted to see these things for herself. Watching it on the internet is one thing, but live show….

All the stories Eren told her only fueled such a flame. He always omitted names and such, for the discretion of his clients, but he didn’t hold back on the details. To be fair, Mikasa did ask for those.

Sasha wasn’t much help in her decision process either, because Mikasa didn’t want to share all the details about Eren yet. She told her friend that the guy from the bar invited her to a strange-looking place, and wanted to know if she should go.

“Did you two fuck?”

Mikasa frowned, realizing that Sasha can’t see her over the phone.

“No Sash, we didn’t. He’s a friend.”

“Oh, okay.”, there was a crack on the other side as she probably munched on another potato chip, “And is he a friend-friend, or friend-you-would-like-to-fuck?”

“Why is that the question?”

Sasha giggled.

“Dunno just wanted to ask.”

“You’re not helping at all….”

“Because it's easy! You either trust that guy and go or don’t trust him, block his number and never see him again. Boom, solved!”

If only it was so simple.

Yet when the day rolled around, Mikasa woke up with a decision in her mind. She’s going to go there. Eren was a great friend, and she was curious about this whole thing. She will be masked, anonymous, and if there is something she won’t like, the door will be there. This raised another question, however, of what does one wear to a BDSM club.

Mikasa, in her vanilla life, did not feel the need to buy anything made of leather or latex and wasn’t about to start now. There was one pair of leather paints she used to own until one day a completely random guy on the street told her that her ass looks really good in them. Mikasa threw those pants right out that evening. Public exposure was something she was NOT looking for. So, she had a small variety to choose from anyway. Mostly jeans, one or two skirts and a single dress that she wore to prom and that probably wouldn’t fit her anymore. Standing in front of the wardrobe, she contemplated calling Sasha again but ultimately decided against it. Mikasa Ackerman is a grown woman. She can choose her own clothes, damn it.

In the end, it was just a simple shirt and jeans combo. She reasoned that it added to her secretiveness, as anyone could wear what she was wearing. Satisfied with her completely basic appearance, she headed for the door, grabbing the keys and popping her head into the kitchen.

“I’m heading out.”, she announced, “Borrowing the car too.”

“Oh? And you tell me now?”, Levi tsked, shaking his head, “Damn brat, you really have no manners. When will you be back?”

“Later, maybe tomorrow. Don’t wait up.”

The words were already forming in Levi’s mouth, but Mikasa spoke faster.

“I’m an adult, so please. Just don’t.”

And, to her surprise, he didn’t.

“Fine. But if there is even a single scratch on the car, I’m taking it out of your paycheck.”

“That’s fair. I’ll see you later then.”

“Later.”, he was already half-turned back towards the Tv, before he added, “Drive safely.”

And that’s how, an hour and a half later, she was standing in front of a completely unassuming building. The door was just like any other, with a small sign and everything, not strange in the slightest. The security guard might have been a bit of a giveaway. He was tall, wide and dressed in a tailored suit that fit him perfectly. When Mikasa approached, he sized her up and down.

“I’m afraid that this is a members only club.”, he spoke in low barytone, “Do you have a card?”

“I uhh... I was told that I can come in. I’m a friend of Eren, my name is Mi-…”

The guard raised a hand before she could finish.

“No names, please. We pride ourselves on anonymity.”

Seeing Mikasa nod, he continued.

“Mr. Yeager did tell me that someone might be coming and that I should let them straight in. So I will do just that.”, he stepped aside, “Once you enter, the masks will be to your right, and after choosing one please don’t forget to return it. Enjoy your stay.”

Mumbling her thanks, Mikasa dipped inside, finding herself in a small room. There were the masks, just as the guard said, and another door that led to the club itself. She could hear muted music coming through. First things first, she stepped closer to the selection, casting an inspecting eye over it. There were several types, all possible shapes and sizes form full hoods to tiny eye-masks. After a bit of healthy consideration, she grabbed a black one that covered the upper half of her face, more than enough to remain anonymous. It was not likely that she would meet anyone that knew her anyway, let’s be honest. Masked, ready as ever, curious and wanting to see more, Mikasa took a deep breath and entered the door, stepping right into Eren’s world.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hi Em, I’m the Fi vs Fe anon. Please disregard my previous question as I was high when I sent it in and doing some pondering, coming up with random ideas. My real dilemma lately has been in identifying Fi vs Fe in myself, because I can’t tell. I care about other people’s’ emotions, about not treading on them or hurting their feelings somehow. I think it comes from a standpoint of not wanting to have my feelings treaded upon by others so I apply that to other people-my approach to things (1/3)

is a very “this is how I’d want to be treated” approach. I’ve heard that’s Fi, but what I’m unsure about is just how much I care about others feelings, even strangers, as I’ve been led to believe Fi only cares about the feelings of a select few. I only care about the opinions of a select few, but I also want to be generally regarded as the kind of person I believe I am-I don’t want to be seen as something I’m not, whether that’s a “tryhard” image, or even being seen as a type of person I (2/3)            

generally dislike, whatever that is. I don’t care what people think but I don’t want to be seen as what I hate.  I also want to become a therapist, if this info helps, because I want to help people with the exact issues I’ve dealt with, because I have an understanding of their experience. I consider myself in tune with other people’s emotions, like I feel I’m good at reading people, but I also tend to assume they’ll feel how IVE felt in a given situation, which is why I care so much. (3/4 sorry)            

I tend to empathize not through distinctly ‘feeling’ the emotions of other people (although I do consider myself sensitive to the feelings of others, as I’ve said before, and if the general mood of a room is bad I find myself being zapped and put in a bad mood too) but rather I imagine myself in their situation. In examining what I do I’ve realized that thats how I operate, more through sympathy. Is any of what I said sticking out to you as Fi or Fe? Thank you in advance!             

-------------------------------------

Hi anon,

So I have a couple caveats first:

All of what I’m going to say here is specifically assuming that you’re a feeler. I think Fi vs. Fe is arguably the hardest set of functions to tell apart and I think once you’re talking about low feeling it gets even harder and it’s basically impossible to talk about the lower feeling function without it being filtered up through the higher thinking function. So if you think you’re a thinker, this doesn’t apply.

Second, as mentioned Fi vs. Fe is often really hard and so if you feel confident you’re a feeler, I recommend typing your perceiving function if you have any sense of that. Basically, I think that in most cases, if you’re pondering Fi vs. Fe for your own typing, you should try approaching the problem a different way. If you think you’re a feeler, try typing your top perceiving function. If you think you’re a thinker, try typing your thinking function. If you’re not sure, go back to your perceiving function and then think about your thinking/feeling functions.

With that in mind: I think if you are a feeler you would be a high Fi user, and I’m going to go through a few of your statements.

I think most reasonably healthy people, on the whole, don’t want to intentionally hurt the feelings of others. They may want to hurt the feelings of specific people and sometimes I think that’s justified (offending the Westboro Baptist Church is in my opinion objectively good) and sometimes it’s not great but it’s human (making an ex jealous) but their default feeling towards others is “I’d rather not do harm.” A person who regularly goes into situations with the intent to hurt others has something that is, in my opinion, pretty deeply wrong with them; a person who just doesn’t care also seems like they could use some serious help. I don’t want to speculate because I am by no means a biologist or anthropologist but people are societal animals, and we want to make that society work out and part of that is respecting the feelings of others. So regardless of type, I would think and definitely hope that people generally don’t want to cause emotional harm to others.

This also covers another broad thing which is societal rules. A good example of these is manners: it is not in any way harmful to others for me to lick my plate clean, and in the privacy of my own kitchen I do it all the time, but I don’t do it at a restaurant because we as a society have decided it’s rude. This is also something basically any healthy person does. Manners may differ to an extent by culture, so the important thing isn’t what the manners are but rather any fairly normal person, regardless of type, will follow basic societal rules.

With that in mind, it’s not that Fi doesn’t care about the feelings of strangers so much as the opinions. An example I’ve used in the past here is going to the movies alone. Some people get really hung up about going to the movies alone, and a lot of that comes down to whether a bunch of strangers will think they’re weird or lonely. Like, if a stranger thinks I’m weird or lonely, that’s their projection on me, not my experience (well, loneliness anyway; I might be weird and I’m fine with that). A healthy Fi user doesn’t want to be seen as harmful or rude, but they’re not that invested in whether strangers like their outfit, for example. But they might be invested in whether specific people they respect like their outfit. Whereas Fe users tend to be more invested in the opinions of others regardless. And of course all of this has limits because people are complicated; Fi users might feel weird on occasion if a stranger seems to be judging them very intently, and Fe users might not care about specific things, and the shame triad in enneagram can add a second layer to all of this, but if someone is not invested in the opinions of strangers as a rule, and they are also a feeler, that is often a sign that they are a high Fi user.

The other sign of high Fi user is that you’re more concerned that people’s perception of you is authentic. No one wants to be blamed for something they didn’t do, but authenticity for its own sake is also often high Fi.

Now, reading people. Here’s the thing: I still firmly believe no one can truly read people with a hundred percent accuracy, and with that in mind some of the times I have been most annoyed or even angry with people is specifically when they thought they were doing a great job of reading me and they weren’t. So I’m kind of anti-reading people on the whole because, as Dr. House once said, when you assume you become an ass to me. The good thing is that you’re aware that you may be projecting, and hopefully will focus on actually communicating directly instead. It’s okay if you find people more relatable or you care more because of those projections, but when it comes to actually helping them, talk to them. Either way at this point I think the ability to read people has been so overhyped and is in my opinion so much more useless than people think I don’t think there’s much to be understood about type. Most reading people strikes me as a lot of projection, regardless of whether it’s an Fi or Fe user doing it.

With that said about reading people - it’s yet another truth that to some extent emotions are contagious no matter what, and if the mood in a room seems bad the vast majority of healthy people will pick up on that. So that’s another thing that I don’t think says much about type so much as the fact that the person has at least the normal amount of empathy. Which is yet another reason why Fi vs. Fe are so hard; a lot of feeling stuff is just human and not any specific type. That said, the fact that you specifically seem to be putting yourself in the position of others in almost all of your efforts to relate also points to high Fi more than high Fe; not that Fe users can’t project but I think they see what they do in a different way (as in, they don’t see it as “this is what I would do” but rather “this is what people do” even if it’s not).

[antivanbrandy]

this is... very long. read more at your own risk xD

honestly that addition to that post is really shaking me up because like, holy shit, this is something i have been beating myself up over for a long time. and in before any assumptions, no i do not begrudge these kids their skills or their success, it’s awesome they’re doing so well, and yes i support them, and no i don’t see them as competition! but i am absolutely my own hardest critic and i am constantly disappointed in myself, constantly disappointed it’s taken me 30 years to even start to find the right paths let alone head down them, it’s taken me twice as long to be half as skilled. i don’t have to be competing against others to feel let down by my own lack of progress

it never occurred to me before that i didn’t have a fraction of the readily available resources or support systems of today during my formative art years

i lived in a very strict household. there were two sets of rules there; the ones for everyone else, and the ones for me. i wont go into the guts of it, save to say that my stepfather saw me as competition for my mother’s affection and got satisfaction from taking it out on me

anyway, back on track: even in my earliest memories, i was constantly drawing. all day, every day. but my mother was poor and we didn’t have much. i drew what i could remember of the characters in the disney movies i’d seen, and i had two on vhs, aladdin, and the beauty and the beast. i watched them over and over and drew my lil heart out, but had no real references

when my mother met and married my step father in the mid 90s, the vhs’s were taken away. i was no longer allowed to watch movies, i was not allowed to watch tv. we didn’t have the internet at home, and we had no books. i wasn’t even allowed on the front lawn on my own, so when i say i had no references to draw from, i’m not exaggerating. but i kept on drawing, kept on trying to draw those characters i loved from memory. i did my baby best

in the early 00s i made a new friend at school, and she introduced me to anime. i fell in love with it. she would tape card captor sakura and digimon and bring them into school so i could watch them (we would get to homeroom an hour early and use the tv and vhs player in the room before the school day began). my art style turned into a lanky spiky terrible tryhard anime mess, but i was living. i continued to draw my little heart out, and fill my days with escapist self insert daydreams about my fave animes

this entire time, through both the disney and anime phases of my life, i was going through roughly an entire 500 sheet ream of printer paper every month to two months, as that’s all i had to draw on. i’m not exaggerating when i say i drew a lot. every spare moment i had was devoted to it, and i had huge folder upon folder upon folder full of my drawings

it didn’t affect my grades btw, i was an A&B student

a year or so into this anime phase, i got my first job, and used my pay to buy myself one of those terrible ‘how to draw manga’ books every other payday. i poured over every detail in them, absorbed them like a sponge. they were all i had to reference, all i had to grow from

bloody fucking hell, if i could only go back and slap those damn books out of my stupid, desperate, impressionable little hands, i would. they were poison. they taught me terrible clunky, wildly incorrect habits and practices. they helped crystalise so many bad anatomy habits that i am still to this day trying to unlearn. there’s no doubt in my mind that they, and my naive lauding of them, helped me stagnate and lost me years of potential progress

my parents wanted me to draw realism, but didn’t seem to understand that to draw realistically i needed to... you know... have references to draw from. i was not allowed to draw them, and i was not allowed to leave the house, and i was not allowed to buy any more books. they saw my inability to pull photo-realistic portraits from my ass memory as a personal slight against them

early-mid 00s i found deviantart through the school’s internet and got my first taste of community among artists, and i was instantly enamoured. i didnt have any art friends at school, it was just me. but suddenly, there was art at my fingertips! i made friends, made small progress toward improving. and then my stepfather found out, stormed into school, and demanded they block my access to the site. they did

i was banned from drawing at home. he took my shitty how to draw manga books away and was set to punish me if i drew. i was also at this time being threatened with being pulled out of school and sent somewhere ‘i had no friends'. i was barrelling towards graduation and my part time job took up most of my free time after school and on weekends, and i no longer had my fun hobby and stress relief outlet in drawing, or my art friends on deviantart. i drew when i could, like in a friends school diary, or on receipt paper at work, but my stepfather had a way of knowing everything and punishing me for all of it (this goes well beyond the art thing, but like i said i wont get into the guts of it because it's bleak as shit)

i left home less than six months after i graduated high school, and i had a brief foray into drawing cutesy gory horror themed stuff, but by then i was so used to not drawing that i just... stopped. i was working myself into exhaustion, going to uni, learning to manage living out of home, partying with friends, and juggling it all with my first serious relationship. finding time to draw felt impossible, and because my entire post-stepfather childhood consisted of me having everything i showed interest in derided and taken away, i was used to just... doing without. i just shut down and lost interest to protect myself, because pining is terrible

i all but stopped drawing for about six years. the occasional geometric pattern doodle while i was on the phone, or an eye. no proper drawings

in the end, the thing that got me back into it was when skyrim released in 2011. and it was hard. i knew i didn’t want to draw anime or kitschy cute horror stuff any more, that i had to find my own style, but it was so difficult to develop. i was in my mid 20s at this point, my shitty habits and expectations felt fixed and i didn’t know where to start. i gave deviantart another shot, but it didn’t feel like it fit any more, everyone i knew there was gone i couldn’t find my place. i met some friends, moved over to tumblr. bought my first tablet for my 25th birthday. bought some anatomy books, loomis and hogarth, but to this day i’ve not read them properly. tried to follow artist’s whose style’s i admired. i finally had access to tools and support i needed to improve

six years later, i’m still struggling. it seems insurmountable sometimes. i know i’ve made progress in that six years, but it feels... too little too late. i struggle with wanting to quit every day, and even now i only draw once or twice a month. the amount of art behind me could fill several landfills, they do make a sizeable chunk of at least one. but the road ahead is so overwhelming, and so long. i don’t know where to really start to get better. i know i should study realism, but at this point, even though i now have the tools, the references, at my fingertips thanks to, y’know, being an adult with internet access, i feel trapped by that little girl who kept getting all her attempts to improve shot down. i still feel like that silly little girl who wasted time and money on learning bad habits and bad anatomy. i feel held back, which is foolish, but i do

to wonder what i could have become with access to all this back when i was a teen? with a little support? i can’t even imagine tbh

but realising that i still managed to make it this far despite being cut off and isolated from any kind of community during my formative art years is comforting, in its own way. the thought of where to go from here is still so daunting, but at least i have access to the means for the time being. and who knows? maybe one day it’ll all click, and i’ll be able to make sense of the mechanics of all this. a girl can hope

[gwisingegooli]

party yesterday and the night before was really good

it’s cool talking to new people who are different ages and have different experiences from you!! everybody was really memorable, and nice. good mix of people for sure.

i really liked hanging out w people and just having a chill time yesterday. hope theres more opportunities to hang out w everyone. endless joints being passed around. we thought we ran out of alcohol but then there was a ton more in the freezer LOL. that’s how you know a party’s good.

one guy, ama_ris, was a total party dad, checked on everyone, made sure volume wasn’t too loud outside, also yiked on some chick and we were all like oh mah god LOLOL apparently someone who wasn’t black said the n word and he made a psa to erryone that that word wasn’t ok LOL it was like oof but yeah. i gave him an edible but just one since he already took half a tab of molly LOL

jerem__y x_ue came through with his gf!! they were realy cute togetha. she’s really sweet and smiley. they were hella good at beer pong but they were playing against one dude m_att who was literally on the baseball team!!!! ma_tt literally made six cups in a row LOLOL but it ended up being a really close, hype game.

then i played w someone and i was actually IN THE ZONE and turned my competitive tryhard mode on. we were both killin it but we ended up very narrowly losing. but it was definitely a good game.

there were these three white girls who came and were havin a good time together and i really liked their vibe. i only met one of them but apparently she went to tino, same year as jer_my and they were like omg!!! LOLOL i talked to her for like ten seconds but her smile was so cute and bright that i got really smilely back LOL

the dance floor was SO INTENSE LOL. i’m not cool so i didn’t know the songs that well but people were like GOING AT IT yellin lyrics grindin on each other. i just like danced through it every time i moved rooms LOL whoo cannot match that energy but wish i could

whenever we went outside there were some dope conversations going on. a decent amount of tino people came thru, and it was nice seeing the homies again. n_ic_k and i r actually bffs now hehe. he was rolling for the first time in a year and i would see him every once in a while and he’d update me w how he was feeling. i’d be like u good homie :) LOL

this dude named con_over was fuckin lit at talking and really knew bay area culture. you could tell he’d hung out w a ton of different people, and he was really quick. he was talking to g_abe about like armenian people in the bay, and like competitive hs kids at lynbrook, about p flo LMAO yknow

later when we were chilling outside i told him he should stream LOLOL and actually he’s like decent at gaming although he doesnt make it his whole life. i was vibin w the group convo tho and then he engaged me in like side convo about video games and kinda awk but when he asked me about like how much i play and stuff i was like eh i dont really wanna talk about video games rn. and then he like clarified and asked again and i was like nah i just dont really wanna talk about video games rn. cause i just wanted to rejoin the main group but is whateva

ok now talkin bout a few things myself. i realized what dfeng meant when he said i didn’t know how to chill. i know how to be an active participant, and even a passive participant, but i never just chill LOL but yesterday was perfect for just chillin and absorbin the vibes. i think that’s literally the most i’ve just chilled at a party LOL imma do that more bc uhhh why not lol. go w the flow.

also edibles r my fave at a party. i feel really chill and like ok w everything.

i also tried like coming up w really good group questions when the timing was right and there was the slightest lull in convo. it was pretty great LMAO and i love asking shit like that. like if there was a coin and one side was $50 million, and the other side was aids... would you flip it LOL i love when people have strong answers and go off LOLOL

i also love like side vibin w randos. if theres a vibe i appreciate ill let u know yknow LOLOL one guy was goin off about how cereal was a soup and i was like u got some wisdom to share and he was like meaningfully nods LOLOL

i think i should leave a little earlier? idk lol i think i left at a perfect time but shit just happened to go down (three people helping someone yakking outside). my only regret is like being kinda rude to con_over and then not helping that person outside. i shouldve just checked in instead of being weird about it and just leaving. luckily con_over is cool and was like have a nice night LOLOL. i also missed saying goodbye to amar_is since he went to help out w vomiting dood

also lowkey everyone at the party who knew me hyped me up and was like THIS IS THE MEME QUEEN LOOOOL i was like .oh god.. but its my legacy tho (◡‿◡✿) everybody at the office apparently still talks about me all the time like i’m still there heart heart. i’m so glad i got the opporunity to be editor in chief. and i’m also so glad that la voz only continues to grow and be even more amazing. my office was like i love everyone!! lets have a fun time. and then it was like. we are legitimizing journalism. this program will train you. *intense voice* but i love it. and chr_istian is totally gonna do an amazing job. he knows how to be serious and connect w everyone. i gave him my blessing LOL he’s gonna be amazing.

i liked really talking to a_na, cause i hadn’t before. and anna (different person) was great LOL she knew how to be the life of the party and had an amazing laugh.

one dude j_osh was MY MAN LOL he literally went around the party w alc and his goal was to make sure everyone got fucked up. it was amazing i loved him. i wanna be that guy too LOLOL. whenever i saw him making rounds in whatever room i was in i’d be like my man LOLOL and he’d do the bro nod and smile

i really liked everyone there. none of the guys were weird at all. nobody was shady. everyone was nice and out here to have a good time, get a lil turnt, make new friends, maybe share some wisdoms.

just mah reflections. i wanna say bye to everyone when possible!! always check in on fucked up people. chill. ask fun questions. wish i did one crazy, memorable thing but there’s always next time LOLOL

[nyrator]

goddd okay

post solo exchange diary feelings

warning this got super dark/personal real fast and I apologize but mannn

so like

goddamn what a relatable author kabi is

god I wish I had scans of this manga to post and scroll through over and over again, I buy physical whenever I can but always read the digital versions anyway because convenience (also my head gets dizzy from physically reading things apparently, or at least my eyes don’t know how to focus properly)

okay so like

yeah it started off like “oh well yeah haha I’m successful now time to keep going, oh I’ll right an exchange diary”

and boy did it spiral down from there (in a good way)

the fight with her father, the feelings of abandoning her mother... those especially got to me. I’ve grown distant from my mother, but I still feel afraid to abandon her, leaving her behind with her growing dementia and inability to take care of herself, she can hardly walk. But at the same time, for my own happiness, the only thing I can do is leave. And yet, even if I do, the guilt will remain. That part resonated with me so hard and made me want to cry.

and then kabi’s life, writing about her ten years of depression, being a lesbian, her infatuation with her mother, and then having it published and trying to keep it a secret from her family, while also wanting to share it- until it ended up getting delivered to her house after she moved out, and her mother ended up reading it and just being so cold to her- such a familiar cold feeling. The lack of love in her family, the complexity of it all, I can feel it, I can relate to it so hard.

it’s scary to think there’s someone out there, who is suffering just like you are, but can phrase it so beautifully, and yet they continue to suffer and there’s nothing you can do about it

I have to admit this gamejam has brought up my underlying feelings of depression again. It’s something I’ll never be rid of, the scribbling insides of my head begging for suicide every day and every night, intrusive thoughts about returning to the lifestyle of mutilating myself with any object in my vicinity, my eating disorder, my lack of energy to even move at times, and other gruesome things I probably shouldn’t lower your moods with (sorry for getting too detailed here whoops)

yet I still have the mindset of “at least I’m not as bad as I was before, I’ve been worse”

which honestly is true, I have good people in my life, which honestly I admit makes me more fearful for losing them by venting, if solely for the fact that I know I’ll never get completely better, and am afraid of them giving up on me with these kind of relapses

but Kabi reminded me of something

loving myself is the only way I’ll find happiness, even if short-term. I have an extreme self hatred, I’ve noticed my mental nickname for myself is “you piece of shit”, and I’ve noticed any time I get remotely happy about something, or praise about anything, it makes me so estatic and grinny that my inner voice tells me “aaa, I’m such garbage, look at me getting excited for a single comment on this trash”, yet I still bask in the moment in a mixture of self-hating ecstasy 

it’s probably impossible, but I need to keep it in mind

but yes, this depression and Kabi make me want to do something recreational with it- if I’m going to vent about depression, I might as well do it in a format people might enjoy

after the jam is over I might try again to make a serious comic

I have a poll on twitter about it, but even then all the categories bleed together and I have no idea how I’d actually organize it into a coherent structure, but I want to make something. And not about me, but about a fictional character, some idealized version of me probably, some author avatar or something. That Rotten Nyan character I mention every now and then. And the events would be exaggerated but based on my life, without feeling weird or lying or anything since it’s partially fictional, and I feel that it’ll be too tryhard and dark and grim and beyond my capabilities of making, but I still want to at least try.

the problem with trying though is sitting there concentrating and turning these thoughts physical, and trying not to be overwhelmed into a crippling depression where I don’t want to move for hours at a time due to focusing on them and getting sucked away into the abyss with them. At the very least, I can vaguely picture the artstyle in my head, it reminds me of an artist I follow on twitter whos name begins with dorm, that sad yet more detailed deformed-anime look

at the very least I’ve managed to sort of distance myself from it and instead focus on it in terms as a story, but the biggest thing I’m afraid of: hurting people I reference in the story. There are friends I want to talk about, events that happen, but I don’t want to risk hurting my friends with this information (they’ve gone through their own fair share of hardships), but I’d feel rude hiding this story from them too. I think I’d probably just keep it underwraps for a bit and mostly keep it to online friends if it ever happens, though, see if the internet discovers it on its own.

but yes, the gamejam itself

I love the people involved and hanging around them is always a good time, and I really do want to finish this game someday, but man, this game just brings about some kind of irrational guilt in me, why I don’t know, that triggers my depression- but it’s so dear to my heart at the same time. I’ve tried taking breaks from it, for months, years, and I come back, reread my notes, and it still hits me as hard as ever. It’s not like other projects that I can just lose attachment to, something in me tells me this is what I want to make someday, this is the one. Even if it isn’t as a game, just some way to share Yarn and Nyla’s lives with the world.

I don’t know if it’s the feelings of sadness the game gives me, the doubts I have over the game itself, or just doubts in myself in being able to bring it to life, but mannn, it crushes my soul in more ways than one when I try to work on it

I’ve gotten two worlds done-ish-but-not-really, and my mind just isn’t feeling it, it’s not satisfied, and it doesn’t have the energy to polish it up. Backgrounds were always my hardest thing to visualize, and this game always proves it to me- I just can’t create landscapes or environments. I can make concepts, but not a solid physical form. It’s funny, I knew I’d only get three worlds done instead of ten by the end of this, but I didn’t expect the progress to be this painful to just get three done. Still, the jam gives me the most incentive to work on it, even if I don’t submit anything at least I’m working on something in a good environment.

but yeah, this got a lot more dark than I intended whoops

luckily I have good people to talk to about ideas and need to open up more to more people in general and get a better understanding of what I’m doing with this game

also yeah

read Nagata Kabi stuff

she’s great and I love her and wish her the best

[miracleofdespair]

don't deal with the devil / ryuuya / chapter one (re: get killing, event, captain voting, so much im so sorry)

Frankly, Ryuuya didn't want to go to the Light Garden. Not that he had any specific problem with the place, nah, but he wanted to see what this ever so mysterious and threatening whooOOOoo scaryyy~ voice would do if he didn't. Ryuuya Okamura was bossed around by no disembodied voice, thank you very much!

But he'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious about what it wanted, so he still showed up in the end. And... and...

"...haah. Hah... ahah...! Hahaha...! Gahahaha--!! Hahahahaha!!! GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

What a fucking riot. 

The boy was doubled over, tears in his eyes, laughing with absolute delight. Was this guy serious? Was this guy absolutely serious? Did he really think this was gonna work? Ryuuya didn't have a clue what exactly this 'Zertro' guy was trying to accomplish or why he was doing it but frankly he didn't care.

Did it really matter in the long run, when...

"God-- ya nearly had me there, pal...! 'Ohhhh, ya gotta kill each other 'cause I say so, ohhh look at me and my scaaary eyes and scaaaary shadow arm that ain't just cosplay contacts and props'!! Didn't know we got to have two SHSL Edgelords around here, kehahahaha!!!"

Ryuuya slowly pulled himself back up after a couple more seconds of laughter. He set one hand on his hip, the other resting on the brim of his hat, as he took in the reactions of his peers...

...ok, maybe they didn't think this was as funny as he did. Maybe they needed to get better senses of humor, or maybe... their fears and worries were justified? A threat like this, that kind of thing being sprung on you after waking up somewhere unknown, after being unable to get help or leave for three days... that sort of thing was terrifying.

He guessed.

Zertro had said something about roles, something Ryuuya had barely registered through how hilarious the rest of the guy's speech was, but he figured it was worth a look-see. He whipped out his ID, looked it over...

...ah.

Hm. 

Interesting.

Well, something to keep in mind, or something. Whatever. Without much another word, Ryuuya turned and took his leave. Why stick around? Why worry? Sure, the prolonged stay was a bit concerning, and he'd be lying if he wasn't at least the tiniest bit nervous about what his peers would do, judging by some of their reactions... but... still!

What could possibly happen?

...

“Who’s gonna start the killing?”

Ryuuya had to slap a hand over his mouth to muffle the laughter pouring from it before the 'outlaw' could even finish his speech. The rest of it only exacerbated it, and by the time he was through Ryuuya let his hand go, giggle fit now unmuffled, unleashed.

He could not be serous.

"Ohhhhh my GOD!! <Oh my god!!> Ya couldn't stand that one guy takin' your SHSL Edgelord title so ya had to go and stand your round, huh??? Y'know, 'this town ain't big 'nough for th' two of us' -- geheheheheh!!!"

He kicked his feet up on the table he was seated at, being sure to move his plate over (hey, free food was free food!) so they were safe and out of the way of his legs. 

"Come on, ya can't be for real here, none of us are gonna kill anybody just 'cause some nerd in cosplay told us to. 'nless you're in on it, maybe that 'outlaw' title just means you're some kinda actor... that, or you're just a big tryhard, keheheheh..."

He wasn't gonna take this guy seriously if he kept insisting he was a leprechaun (whatever that was). Ryuuya went about his way with his food without another word. 

...

And then... Nerd Shit.

Ryuuya thought he'd make a good leader. Not that he'd had any experience, he was generally a solo kinda guy, but... y'know, he'd still be good! He could feel it in his heart, or something! Maybe it was the ego talking.

(Hint: It was the ego talking.)

But all these people... throwing up posters and giving speeches, it all felt like the kids at his old school running for the student council or something. Something surprisingly mundane among all this weird, but it was still.

Nerd City.

He didn't plan to run a campaign himself - as much as he thought he'd make a great leader, and as much didn't want one of these scrubs thinking they could boss him around, it just wasn't his kind of thing.

A girl in blue had said something about a headcount and an attack, and that was... odd. Much as he thought all this 'murder game' hoohah wasn't real, the scissors and that blood on it very much was. Maybe he shouldn't be so... casual, about all this, maybe he should start being more properly worried.

...nah.

No one was missing, by the sounds of it, someone'd said some stuff about a machine and getting stuff from it (he'd have to look into that, maybe...)... people went about their way, continuing their little campaigns, and Ryuuya decided to follow suit. Well, with the former, at least, he had better things to do with his time than put up dinky little papers listing all his qualities (of which there were many, thank you very much) and give a cheesy little speech about how he'd 'keep everyone safe' and 'look out for everybody' and etc etc etc.

Call him when you're not in Nerd Central, thanks. 

[amaiuna]

oh, an actual wall of text in this blog?

time flies quickly; it’s been 10 days since i assumed the sole leader role for my fc of 28 members (at that time).

honestly, i never thought of myself as the leader type. i don’t mind leading, it’s just that it’s never really my priority and i’d gladly give the leader role to someone else who actually want to lead. tldr; i prefer chilling LOL (since leading usually means i’d have to put up with some possible bullshits 🤷‍♀️)

with the only other trusted member of the fc having his own circumstances, i didn’t have anyone else i could trust to lead. so in the end, i decided to try. still not sure for how long tbh 🤔 maybe until someone comes up and i judge them as a good candidate for leader role. hopefully within a few months lmao 😂😂😂 (ye fc leading is still not my endgame lol)

the experience

i must say so far it’s an interesting experience. i have less time for my lone wolf gaming (lol) but it’s not always a bad thing.

what makes it extra interesting is i started leading just as the new patch dropped, so yeah.. it’s a blessing and a curse. a blessing cos that means more people playing the game actively to do the new contents so the fc is alive (it’s always alive most of the time tho), and a curse cos i wanna do the new contents myself but also have these new responsibilities 😂 it feels like there wasn’t enough time to do stuff and when i finally got some chill time, i was already tired mentally and decided to stop playing (ye i’m so weak lmao..)

but i’m happy at least diamond weapon ex is easier than emerald (yeah fuck that sword mech for punishing my bad ping + slow brain combo) and some friends were so sweet by helping me doing it the first time ❤️

within this 10 days, i recruited 8 people!! my officer also helped getting 2 and another 2 were invited by other members. this may be part of the “new patch miracle” lmao cos people are more active, so easier to recruit eyyy

so far the members themselves are nice people \o/ there are some.. uh, peculiarities LMAO but was manageable with some nudges. i made a decision of accepting a friend of a new recruit to the fc, and he has this questionable name with rp attitude HAHAHA (which normally won’t pass my recruiting filter.) but as long as he don’t cause trouble, should be fine lmao

hosting fc events is something i’m not used to, and deciding what to do every week may not be the easiest thing 🤔 i still decide on them mostly on a whim, cos i wanna keep the chill vibe and try to avoid being a tryhard / too serious lol

a friend gave me advice when i told him about my thoughts of being an fc leader: i should just chill whenever i want to. that’s true ✨

bonus

i actually wanted to fantasia to another race soon but yknow, i think being a cute catgirl as the face of the fc is rather..? advantageous???? maybe?? lmao?????? 😂😂😂 guess i’ll wait for a bit HAHAHA

(i said advantageous but then again i don’t really do face-to-face recruiting lol stranger danger)