#I feel like most are just seeing the break up from crowleys perspective

[katmiscellanious]

No, because you guys don’t understand. The amount of people I’ve seen saying things like “Imagine your @ssh0le bosses getting their happy ending after 4 years while your still struggling with your relationship after 6000 years!!”

THATS THE POINT GUYS!!! THATS THE POINT!!! YOU DONT GET IT CAUSE THATS THE POINT!!!

(I’m so not okay about this, I’m fine)

The point of Gabriel and Beezlebub’s relationship is that it ALWAYS could have been that easy. I’m convinced it was Neil’s way of showing us that Aziraphale and Crowley aren’t together, not because of heaven and hell, but because of their own psyche’s. Nina and Maggie told us this! They said, “you guys have talked sure, but you’ve never really talked.”

I’m also thinking of a post I saw but probs won’t be able to find, but Crowley and Aziraphale never talked, because they thought they were on the same page. They thought they knew each other after 6000 years. But no matter how long you’ve known someone, you never really know someone until you’ve talked to them. Hell, I have a friend like this. I’ve known her my entire life, and it took me til our 20s to realize that I didn’t know her, that i didn’t know what was going on in her life or in her mind. Beezlebub and Gabriel did what Crowley and Aziraphale NEVER did, which was talk!!!!

And also, they got what Crowley wanted. CROWLEY wants to run away with Aziraphale. And he always thought it was the system stopping them. That once they were out from underneath heaven and hells thumb, that they’d be free. But as we found out, Aziraphale is never going to leave behind a broken system. Especially if he thinks he can fix it.

There’s also something to be said that Gabriel. The supreme archangel who has never had to answer to anyone or prove anything to anyone found it easy to leave behind the bad system. It’s so easy for those in power and with privilege to move and traverse a system that caters to them. Because the real privilege isn’t money or respect, it’s wiggle room. It’s the ability choose and to be chosen and to go anywhere or believe you can do anything you want. Rich kids choose to study their passions in college. Rich people have the option to donate and be vegan and healthy and make better decisions because they can afford it.

Gabriel and Beezelbub don’t have an authority to answer too. Gabriel isn’t even scared by the idea of being demoted or sent to hell. He doesn’t know to be scared of those things. If they want to run away together, all they need to do is fill their former positions and then fuck off to whatever star system they like best. They don’t have any attachment to earth either.

Aziraphale and Crowley don’t have that background. Crowley is a message of outcasts. Of those who would opt out of the system given the choice, but can’t because of the threat to those he loves. The earth and Aziraphale. And as much as he hates the system, he won’t leave either one behind. Meanwhile Aziraphale is about those dissolution by the system, but still believe in them. Those who believe that you can fix it if ONLY you could just get inside. Aziraphale loves the earth and loves Crowley, and he wants them to be safe and happy.

See the thing is, both are willing to give up the earth for the other. Crowley would run away and leave the earth to be destroyed if it meant keeping them both out of the impending war. And Aziraphale would leave his bookshop and go back to heaven if it means crowley will be there with him. And the thing is, neither is asking the other to do this. I think as soon as they realize they don’t have to do either to be together. That they could be together on earth and still be happy, they’ll realize they could have just been happy this whole time.

Anyways this was my rant. Is a build up of all the stuff I’ve read about good omens 2. I have a lot of feelings about it, though I feel like I’m a lot less devastated by the end than some. I think it’s just cause I know that this isn’t the end of their story. And when season 3 rolls around they’ll be stronger than every (also, I’ve been through this before with Wayward Son (Simon snow book 2) and with Out Flag Means Death (I can’t believe we got OFMD’d again. Neil watched that show and went “huh, good idea”)

[dansevilpianotea]

who do you think is more Crowley coded and who is more Azira coded out of dnp?

i set myself hourly notifications ever since you send the ask and it still took me this long to answer, im so sorry 😭

to answer your question:

It might seem like obvious that dan is crowley coded and phil is azira coded because of their aesthetics and personality but stating that as that is too simple for me. lets break it down:

dan is like crowley in the obvious sense of having that edgy aesthetic and always needing to question things while phil is the one with the light aesthetic who enjoys what is happening despite the problems it has. just watch them play the game of life.

this reminds me of this quote from a book ive read for uni which really stuck with me:

so yea, dan is the social scientist who points out what most people miss and phil is the one who tells us that we shouldn't wallow in defeat of it but make our own meaning out of it. and we need both! they are like ying and yang, like crowley and aziraphale in that way.

crowley who questions heaven and thusly falls, but then doesnt stop questioning hell because he doesnt see the world in black and white, good actions and bad actions.

i think dan for a long time was not like that. i say this with the utmost respect but if you look back, his branding was usually self deprecating jokes and at least to me personally it felt like his perspective was pessimistic. he always made sure to leave a positive message but to me it felt like a wish for a better future, not a feeling of certainty that it will be better.

Phil on the other hand is very much like that:

Phil is like aziraphale and me in the sense that he gets irrationally worried about things,

but it is dan who literally did a tour about his worries of the world ending, with branding and all:

and yet:

phil and crowley both have that rational optimism, the sense that things will be okay. but aziraphale does not give up in-spite of the odds being against them. in s1 he refuses to run away to alpha centauri because he believes that they should stay and fight. that there is still hope. he does not accept that the world will end. but its crowley who sparks the idea of aziraphale raising the antichrist with him. its aziraphale who tells angel crowley of armageddon , and its why crowley gets upset and questions the almighty.

so my point is that phil has aziraphale's light aesthetic vibes and his fear of near doom but crowley's certainty that everything will be okay in the end despite it.

dan on the other hand has crowley's edgy dark aesthetic, his cynicism and sense of questioning belief systems, but also aziraphale's determinism to fight what he is sure is a losing battle/the end of the world because he wants to believe that it is possible that everything will be okay (that being the message of wad/ywgttn/big/etc...)

i want to talk a bit about 'dark/light polarity'. what we mean by that is two sides of the same coin. yin and yang:

☯️

they depend on each other, they interconnect and intertwine. be it real people or fictional characters, it is never a clear black and white binary, because what the characters have something that the other lacks and when they come together they become a whole. plato said humans once had 4 legs and feet, and then got split in half by zeus to punish us to live our lives yearning to be connected with the other half of our soul/coin, our soulmate. they carry sth of each other within them because there are shards that got broken in the middle when the being was split and were forced to choose sides.

so even tho it might seem like dan is more like crowley coded and phil is more aziraphale coded because of their light/dark aesthetic, there's many things of both in each of them and thats what makes it interesting and real to us.

[dee-morris]

I Think We Moved on Too Quickly from Coffee Theory

Yeah yeah I know. But hear me out.

When I watched the season two finale the first time, I felt blindsided by it. From a narrative perspective it made sense, bc Neil Gaiman said that he needed to set up the situation that would make season three possible and okay yeah, that probably meant putting Crowley and Aziraphale in weird and different places. I got that. But from a character perspective it felt like a huge reversal from Aziraphale's behavior throughout season two, and of course that led me to look for outside factors that could have caused it.

After talking about it with Internet friends, reading lots of metas, thinking and discussing and watching the season over again, I decided that it wasn't necessary to believe that Aziraphale had been drugged. Most of what he said and did could be explained by careful study and analysis. Once you realize that Metabitch's presence in the bookshop is a veiled threat, everything else falls into place.

Nevertheless.

I definitely DO NOT Believe that Aziraphale was brainwashed or mind controlled by the coffee. His behavior during the Final Fifteen was frenetic, desperate, little bit manic. Definitely not the behavior of a mindless zombie. But nevertheless.

I still think that there was too much emphasis on the coffee for it to be a simple prop. Is it a literal macguffin or a symbolic one, that I'm not sure. I could see it either way. It might be just a symbol of the Sophie's Choice that Aziraphale had been presented with, or... There might have actually been something in the coffee.

The show makes a point of telling us that celestials can be affected by human poison. Almonds are symbolic in the Bible, and cyanide smells like almonds. Again, Aziraphale's behavior at the breakup scene was not that of a brainwashed person, but what if the Metatron TRIED something like that and it didn't completely work?

Aziraphale didn't want to follow the Metatron until after he drank the coffee. And even then he turned and looked at Crowley, and he didn't move until Crowley told him to go ahead. (Cue the Breaking Bad Walter Screaming in the Car meme) What if whatever the Metatron tried on Aziraphale only kind of worked? Just enough to make Aziraphale a bit dizzy and suggestible, but being close to Crowley mitigated the worst of it. That's why Metatrash needed to separate them.

Aziraphale is very clever, and if he knew he'd been drugged he would also know better than to let on that it hadn't worked completely. Cue the weird off-key phrases that are ALMOST in character but still pretty damn weird. "Heaven is the side of goodness, of light" my dude has NEVER said anything like that. He's said that about God, yes, but he's always held a distinction between God and heaven. Or "you're the bad guys" that's just WEIRD, that's a weird thing for him to say, and I will die on this hill. Even during their worst fights Aziraphale has made distinctions been himself and Crowley in terms of their job descriptions, but he's never made a moral judgement like that before, nor has he ever lumped Crowley in with the rest of hell. "They're the bad guys," now that would have made sense, and if it were anyone but Neil Gaiman running this shit I would think that it was a simple scripting error. But Neil doesn't make mistakes like that.

So Aziraphale plays along and tried desperately to communicate with Crowley that something IS VERY WRONG but our favorite disaster demon picks NOW to get in his feelings and ignore the clear and present danger standing outside the bookshop and staring at them. I'm pretty sure "I forgive you" is Aziraphalese for ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

Again, I don't need my version of Coffee Theory to be real to understand what happened in the Final Fifteen, but it's just an interesting little toy to roll around in my head. There's so much emphasis on that coffee in the show and even in the episode synopsis, I still think there's something about it that we haven't been told.

[ankles-be-bitten]

i may have fallen victim to the curse of the Bad Aziraphale Take with this post, so i'd like to right my wrongs:

i still agree with this, however i would like to add some insight: the metatron is definitely orchestrating their falling out. he knows exactly what he's doing & he knows that he can't control aziraphale as long as he has crowley on their side--that's emotional abuse 101. the victim is isolated from their real support systems, and the only place they have left to turn is their abuser. i believe that aziraphale knows what he's doing, and that he's just going along with heaven as far as he can in order to protect his demon, but from the metatron's perspective things have to look like they're going according to plan.

i think... maybe this is only half true? not sure what i was thinking when i wrote this; it was late. whatever.

crowley is an optimist, but he clearly had his doubts about how aziraphale would respond, which is indeed based in reality. aziraphale doesn't have a great track record as far as assuming the best of him in the moment (which, i must add, isn't his fault. it is one of his flaws, however). i think the important thing is that he trusts aziraphale to do the right thing in the end.

i still agree with this. however, i want to acknowledge that i felt this was unfair at the time, but in retrospect i was ignoring aziraphale's dependency on external validation that crowley does not have. crowley is far more independent than aziraphale, and i acknowledged this, but i framed it originally as "crowley has an unfulfilled need," rather than what i now think it really is, which is that AZI has an unfulfilled need.

yeah, there it is. different people, different needs.

as far as it being strange that aziraphale didn't pick up on what crowley needed in that moment right away, i do still feel that way--sort of. i honestly at this point just want to pin it down to him being excited.

whatever you have to say can wait--we have all of eternity to say whatever we want, in complete security. we won't have to hide. we can be together. and he wants so badly to be together. that's literally all he wants. he wasn't even a little interested in returning to heaven until the metatron told him that crowley could tag along. this is manipulation 101, people! the metatron knows, or at least can intuit, that crowley wouldn't want to become an angel again. he knows exactly what he's doing to them. this is not a good faith offer.

most of the rest of that post is me rambling about my interpretation of aziraphale's actions and the reasoning behind them. feel free to read the full take if you'd like, but i don't believe it's necessary to break down the whole thing. it mostly boils down to aziraphale needs to see people as people before he can respond properly to their needs. i may or may not still agree with that, i'm on the fence, but if that is the case, it's 100% because heaven has conditioned him to be that way. you need to earn salvation, you need to earn love, you need to earn humanity.

i originally used job as a counter example, but he may actually be a paragon of this interpretation. if anyone deserves salvation, it was job--righteous job, level-headed job, job who lost everything but never, ever lost faith in the Almighty. if anyone has earned aziraphale's sympathy, it's him.

this is just a wonky take. he does care, or else he wouldn't be making the offer. interrupting crowley might have been selfish in the short-term, but to aziraphale, the long-term result is eternity together unhindered. they will have all the time in the world to be an us if they can only get out from under the watchful, dangerous, probing eye of heaven.

i think i was getting close to the point here, but i was still framing it from the perspective that aziraphale had woefully wronged crowley, and that he's not also a victim of the system here. i was in far less certain terms falling into the "aziraphale is naive" trap, when in reality he just wanted to be safe. as archangel, he can do as he pleases without fear of retribution. he has never, ever felt safe before--not safe to ask questions, not safe to be seen with crowley, not safe to run off to alpha centauri with him. blaming him for prioritizing crowley's safety is more than a little silly.

this is just... the ick. it feels like a whole other person wrote this. i am trying so hard to give myself grace for this absolutely rot-gut take.

yikes. yikes yikes yikes. i'm not sure anymore if crowley has ever expressed a pointed distaste for being an angel again; that may just be misguided on my part. somehow i'm victim-blaming both of them here, while also completely misrepresenting aziraphale's intentions. i'm falling into the "he doesn't love crowley enough/the way he deserves" trap, painting him once again as naive, blind, and selfish. oopsie daisy.

i still believe the kiss was an offer akin to the ox rib, extremely alcoholic breakfasts, what have you. it's possible crowley doesn't feel seen--i might even go so far as to say that that's likely--but not in the way i stated originally. he's heartbroken. he's devastated. he might even feel betrayed. but just because he feels that way doesn't make it the truth, and i think a mistake i've made throughout this particular text is mistaking how aziraphale's actions look from the outside for his actual intentions.

i think this was mostly right up until the part about azi being selfish. he's far from selfish, he's not even close to naive. assuming he made a mistake in the f15 at all, he absolutely knows it now. he will do anything it takes to be with crowley.

at the time of this addendum i think he's made a Plan™ and is trying to convince himself he's made the right choice. all will make sense in the end. or maybe it won't. we'll figure it out--some things take time, and we don't have all the information.

i do believe that about covers it. in summary, they are both victims and treating either of them like they're naive or stupid for making the choices they did is unfair because they're both doing the best they can with the information they have available to them. it's heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and really, really unfortunate. but it's neither of their fault. it's literally all the metatron. if heaven and hell were out of the picture, crowley would've been free to confess and aziraphale free to reciprocate--but that's just not their reality. everything aziraphale does is in order to keep crowley safe, in the interest of us long-term. crowley knows he has a hard time expressing himself, and so he wants to get it out fast, and that's valid; aziraphale having reservations due to safety concerns is just as valid.

it's neither of their fault.

[queermania]

And👏this👏is👏why👏Dean👏was👏out👏of👏character👏in👏season👏13-15👏

i disagree. taking a character and pushing him to his breaking point isn't writing him out of character. the issue isn't that dean's behavior was out of character. it's that it wasn't portrayed effectively. instead of wearing him down slowly over the course of a few seasons and having him get progressively worse, they had him going back and forth between being Fine™ and being Angry™. and realistically, that is how trauma works, but for a television show it just made it feel like his reactions to things were disproportionate or that they came out of nowhere, when they really really did not.

the main issue people have is his relationship with jack. dean wanting to kill jack at the beginning of s13 is not all that out of character. from his perspective, a nephilim (which he's told is an abomination that needs to be destroyed) is conceived via lucifer (which, i mean, it really shouldn't matter who the angel was but i'm not gonna pretend like the show didn't make it into a Whole Thing so whatever). cas says it's of paramount importance that the nephilim be aborted. the nephilim brainwashes both kelly and cas and now cas will stop at nothing to protect it. the nephilim tears the fabric of the universe, which basically summons lucifer to their location. crowley sacrifices himself to repair the tear. cas dies. mary dies. jack is not a baby. he's a fully grown being with glowing eyes and unimaginable power. now, is that everything that happened and is it everything that matters? no, of course not. but we have the benefit of not living that reality; we can be a lot more objective. so a grief-stricken dean who's just lost three of the most important people in the world to him is obviously not thinking rationally or even compassionately about what he sees as a monster (not a newborn baby). the way dean treats jack directly and indirectly during the widower arc is not okay but it's not out of character.

but then dean starts to warm up to jack and then cas comes back and it's fine. they're fine. dean and jack are cool, good even. but then jack burns off his soul and accidentally kills mary and dean does... all of that. and i'm not going to rehash the events leading up to 'moriah' again because i've already spent a lot of time talking about it, but his behavior during that time isn't out of character. it all makes sense. it's just that we've kind of already done this, just on a smaller scale. dean was angry with jack and then they were good but now he's back to being angry again. so it feels a little off.

but then chuck kills jack and dean is still angry so he lashes out at cas (and again, i'm not going to rehash this because i've already done it) but again, it's not out of character. it's the culmination of a decade's worth of shit. but they make up and then jack comes back. and things are understandably awkward between them but dean's not angry. he even saves jack from mrs. buttersworth.

but then chuck stuff starts happening again and billie offers a plan that requires jack to sacrifice himself and dean is like okay and then things get super intense in 'unity' and again dean is yelling at any and everyone.

and none of that is out of character. it's just that it feels like it comes out of nowhere because he's been so calm for so long. it doesn't feel like it's all building to that point in 'unity.' it just feels like they keep throwing spaghetti at the wall to make dean mad and then when he does get mad, the characters around him and the fandom are like 'there he go again being mad' despite constantly being put in situations constructed to make him mad.

i will concede that there are a couple of writers who wrote him out of character and their episodes/certain lines stick out pretty obviously to me. but. you know. that's not unique to dabb era.

the only thing that is fully out of character is the gun to kaia's head, and given that kaia gets over it almost immediately and then runs into dean's arms when they rescue her from the bad place, i choose to pretend it didn't happen at all. it was just a narrative device to move the plot along. (and also it was written by one of the people who writes him ooc more often than not).

[zahrowl]

A Critique of Good Omens Season 2 by 4 Random Girls (+ for fun, a rewrite of S2's outline)

Did you feel after watching GOmens S2 with your friends that this season could have been… better?

I was excited for S2 and I had some high expectations due to spoilers (yes, I am the kind of person to seek out spoilers to raise my personal excitement for the show). But after a watch party with some friends that had me gaslighting myself into denying the letdowns of this season (I was going through the first stage of grief okay), I’ve come around a few days later to bring a list of problems, gripes, and some suggestions for improvement for Season 2.

(EDIT: I reposted this bc I originally tagged Mr Gaiman according to my friend's suggestion. That was insensitive of me, I'm sorry. Thanks to the person who commented and knocked some sense into me, even if I did get a severe increase in heart rate and my hands were literally trembling after seeing your comment)

Mr. Gaiman, if you're reading this somehow, please don’t take any of this criticism as a personal attack. Like, you’re a prolific writer, we’re just 4 girls with opinions, so I don't think you'd really need to take much of these words to heart. I know I wouldn't.

And to the fandom, well, if you enjoyed S2, good for you! I enjoyed it too! If you enjoyed it in a way you understood but I didn't, that's fine too! This is just the perspective of like 4 girls on some writing decisions we found kinda weird. We all have opinions, we can express those opinions as long as we're not attacking anyone.

Also, spoilers for S2 of course.

Anyway, let’s get to it shall we, starting with the most controversial of decisions in episode 6!

Controversial reveals in episode 6:

Halo Ex Machina

Like for god’s sake if you wanna pull that out last-minute, at least show it being used in an earlier episode in a flashback from the war

Ineffable Bureaucracy

Aziraphale agreeing to be the Head Archangel to change heaven with Crowley

Ineffable Divorce

More annoying things in S2:

The purpose of the body swap in S1 feels undermined in S2. Like, that was to scare Heaven and Hell into thinking that they’ve grown so powerful that they’ve made their own side. Shouldn’t Heaven and Hell be like, a little more cautious with these two after agreeing to leave them alone?

The Divorce really feels like it’s written solely for the purpose of milking a certain reaction from the audience rather than a natural development for Azicrow’s relationship. Also, with the amount of times these two ‘break up’, it gets boring, okay

Nina and Maggie were just kinda,, there. I’m not quite sure what themes they’re here for, I was lowkey bored anytime they got on screen. Maybe Nina’s abusive relationship mirrors Aziraphale’s relationship with Heaven, but like, idk it’s really not the best mirror. I don’t care about them, okay, they didn’t need to be here and if they did, at least cut down a bit of their time please? The part at the end where they stayed to help was kinda ehhh, the part where they had to tell Crowley about his feelings was even more eh. I’m not sure why they cared so much to tell Crowley about it. I don't hate them, I just wish they could have been written better.

Crowley just waltzing into heaven. In S1 they were undercover and it’s so nervewracking. This time a bunch of demons just see him go up into heaven and don’t even question it. And then a bunch of archangels just come down the lift with him. Like what???

The miracle that hid Gabriel was kinda handwaved away? What was up with that

What was Bee’s plan with storming the bookshop. Wouldn’t that attract a lot of unnecessary attention from the demons and angels? Is discretion not a thing?

They never really explained what was up with Az’s bookshop and the vampire entering rules like???

Angels and demons really do feel like much less of a threat this season somehow

Guess who had “I’ll Follow You Into The Dark” on their playlist? Guess who didn’t follow someone into the dark.

So, I challenged myself to rewrite S2 to make the reveals a little less jarring than them all coming at you one after the other in episode 6 like Voltaire tormenting Candide.

Things we’re building up to:

Aziraphale’s desire to change the way Heaven is run, thus accepting Metatron’s offer

I know the Job episode was a thing, but again, that was only one scenario and not a consistent running theme throughout the season. The Victorian doctors do not count — that’s Aziraphale learning to become more flexible with his morality like Crowley. It doesn’t have anything to do with changing Heaven except maybe showing how much better Crowley is than everyone/j. The magic show definitely doesn’t count.

Also to all those ppl who say that Aziraphale has religious guilt or is going through religious trauma or smth along those lines… idk it feels more like they’re projecting than that being an actual thing shown by the show. If that was the intention, it doesn’t come across like it well enough

It might be believable that Az’s indoctrination by Heaven might cause him to think that being in charge would improve things, but like,, that needs to be actually shown in the show. Show us his doubts after the end of the world. Give us better foreshadowing of his concerns over the past 6000 years, how he’s seen Crowley struggle with being a demon/how he imagines being a demon is like/how heaven has indoctrinated him. Otherwise it’s like he’s learnt nothing over these past 6000 years!

Gabe and Bee’s relationship

This really suffers by being revealed only at the end because the way they act seems suddenly out of character of how we expect them to. We’re all left kinda unsure if they’re actually in love or even know what love is.

An earlier reveal of their relationship and maybe some Bee/Jim interactions in earlier episodes would help with a more gradual acceptance of expectations vs reality

Also, would it kill to have one close-up of the fly? Or even like, Aziraphale swatting the fly away as it flies into his face when he opens the box? That thing is so tiny it’s no wonder it’s so easily missed. Please, I’m myopic

Divorce

I want Crowley to snap so bad at Aziraphale. And with better dialogue than “no nightingales”. I know it’s a reference, but surely we can do better than this!

Aziraphale really caught the idiot ball this season in the most narratively unsatisfying way, and if it weren’t for Michael Sheen playing him it would be even more annoying.

What can we cut from S2?

A lot of the coffeeshop/recordshop AU

The whole storming the bookshop thing. What was Bee’s plan really

The angel-demon miracle. The damn thing was what attracted heaven’s attention anyway and in the end it was just handwaved away? Let’s toss it out, and by extension, we’ll have to toss out… (checks notes) the Archangels’ visit to the bookshop, lying about getting Nina and Maggie together and the further matchmaking attempts for them, Constable Muriel, Shax’s storming of the bookshop, and god knows what else.

[prettybillycore]

tag 10 people you want to get to know better!

(I’m so sorry if I tag you and You’ve already done this, not on purpose I swear!)

tagged by: @whoringrove 💗

relationship status: taken by @rubybinxx in a polycule (aka we are polyamorous!)

favorite color: blue or green

song stuck in your head: currently “Be Gay, Do Drugs, Hail Satan” by Super Cassette. It came up in my recommended and my brain went 👁👁

time: 2:51 am

dream trip: I really want to go to California again. I have been once before and it felt like the home I was supposed to have. I also wanna go there so I can finally hug my bestie @dontbelasagnax. I’m not good at traveling though so it would have to be a road or train trip. I can’t really fly at this point in my life 💀 the one other place I really want to see is the palace of versailles in france

last book you read: Margret and the Mystery of the Missing Body by Megan Milks. I actually just gave a talk on this book for my MFA program. It is deeply painful yet weird as all hell. Highly recommend if you like fantasy and are in the mental place to hear about mental health issues from the perspectives of fictional characters

last book you enjoyed reading: I feel like I need to break out of the “books I read bc school” category but basically all the reading I do at this point is reading for school. During my undergraduate studies, I read “Homie” by Danez Smith. I think about it almost everyday. It is an incredible poetry collection about race, gender, sexuality, family, and overarching queer experiences. A must read in my opinion.

last book you hated reading: also for school (who’s surprised). It was “dreams of being” by Michael J Seidlinger. I got the chance to meet the author and he was fantastic! His book was just wayyyy out of what I normally read and didn’t keep my attention.

favorite thing to cook/bake: top of the stove cookies!!!

favorite craft you like to do in your free time: genuinely crafting sims is so fun to me I do it a lot. I also like to write and paint.

my most niche dislike: based on peoples reactions when I’ve said this in the past, I’m going to take this as my most niche dislike— I hate Metatron the most out of every supernatural villain. I would rather sell my soul to both Crowley and Lucifer (and have to watch them fight it out) than be in a room alone with Metatron unsupervised for 5 minutes. I would feel more safe with Chuck in a room. I fucking hate this angels guts and I could write a full length academic paper on why.

opinion on the circus: clowns and such are alright but the way circus animals are treated sits so wrong with me

do you have a sense of direction: absolutely I do not. Ask literally anyone I’ve ever driven. I can’t find my way anywhere without help 🥲

Tagging:

@dontbelasagnax @rubybinxx @bilqis-of-sheba @ratboydefenselawyer @biillyhargroves @billyhargroveficrec @billys-bitchh @eddiethehero85 @harringrovepeach @sunsetpixels

[taruruchi]

Can I ask for Taruchi? 🌹🦁🌟👑🐲🦇

YAY thank you lin 💙 also i missed talking to you, i hope you're doing well!

There are many different versions in which I see mini taru with the other twst ocs which probably affects her relationships to these characters BUT for this time, this is in a perspective where she's the mc and she (sadly) doesn't have the other ocs with her

🌹 After Riddle's overblot, he's kind of felt the need to repay her somehow, which is why she's often invited to their Unbirthday Parties! He's also offered to help her study and he's a surprisingly good teacher. He's not very strict, he can figure out methods that would fit her the most and she's VERY grateful. Only reason why she's still passing /j Since heartslabyul was the first dorm to really be open to her, she feels a sort of familial bond with all of them

“Look, Riddle, this tart is so pretty! Do you want the first slice?”

🦁 From the first moment she saw Leona, she did not like him. He looked like a jock and you can NEVER trust them. And she was right. The time when she threatened to make a racket outside of his room if he didn't help? She was kind of hoping he actually wouldn't help just so she could do it. Though there is one thing they can agree on: Malleus needs to get off his Royal Throne for once

“I swear to the King of Beasts, Leona, if you don't go to class right now and give Ruggie a break, I WILL be outside your window tomorrow.”

🌟 If she's being completely honest, she was slightly intimidated by Kalim's energy at first. How do you keep up with someone that energetic? But then she learned that Kalim is really nice, and she likes being around him now because her mood never seems to go down when he's around! Though she does have to get away at times because she needs to recharge

“H-huh? A party this afternoon? Sure, I'll go, but I'm not dancing. I do not have the energy nor skills for that, sorry.”

👑 She admires Vil a lot for all the effort he puts into his image! But she was terrified of him when she saw how he treated Epel at first (beginning of chapter 5). After his overblot, though, he became nicer, giving her occasional reminders to take care of herself, and she tries to remember all the tips he gives her!

“You're giving me one of your personally-made products...? Thank you! I'll be sure to use it!”

🐲 She was TERRIFIED when Malleus first appeared. She was just taking a walk then some dude appears out of nowhere??????? She does understand what it's like to be left out and going around by yourself, though, so she tries to invite him to things (like the vdc).

“It's all right, I know it's hard to approach others. ...You know what? Why don't you come with me to the VDC? I heard it's gonna be fun!”

🦇 If Crowley wasn't the only one who could possibly help her get home AND the one who's responsible for her (living space, etc idk), she would avoid him ALL THE TIME. He's useless and she can't believe he's actually the headmageof this school.

[zorya-wellness]

Should You Read Reversed Tarot Cards and Learn Their Meanings? Beginner Tarot Guide.

Often when people start to learn Tarot cards, they limit themselves to some boundaries or rules.

Some people put aside Minor Arcana cards to learn Major Arcana on a deeper level; others ignore elements “for now”, to avoid getting confused.

But the majority first tend to ask the question: “Should I read Tarot reversals?” and try to sort of choose the side from the beginning.

I learned Tarot reversals and how to read them as a part of my Tarot education program. At the beginning of my Tarot path, I even considered them in a reading.

I also read various perspectives of different Tarot professionals on the internet, just like you are reading this Blog post right now.

But at one moment I decided to ditch the reversals completely and put all my cards in the deck upright once and for all.

No, not because it is difficult to work with reversals but because based one my knowledge and experience this was the most logical thing to do.

I will explain to you my logic and approach but always feel free to choose a path that works for you. There are many wonderful Tarot readers that work with reversals but also plenty amazing ones that never did. The choice is yours.

Reason #1: Confusion with Card Meanings and Interpretation

Yes, this is something that is worth to consider. The interpretation of reversed Tarot cards can get really vague and personal.

For example, you can “reverse” the meaning of the card, saying that the reversed Tarot card meaning is just the opposite of the upright.

In that case, if we take, for example, the reversed Devil Tarot card, we can say that its meaning is quite positive and signifies the release from the boundaries and addictions.

But we may also say that the reversed Devil card meaning is even worse than that of the upright and the person described by this card is at the point where they can’t get out.

Same applies to the rest of the cards in the deck. You can either see their meaning as the opposite of what they mean upright, or make them worse than their meaning is, in case it is negative to begin with.

Reason #2: Repetition of Cards’ Messages

This is not something you will see often if you are reading cards only in their upright positions.

Yes, you may get 5 of Pentacles and the Tower together in a business reading and both would point on financial loss but the cards’ nuances would still provide with additional information that will create one full story.

When you read both reversed and upright cards, the card meanings can once again become blurred.

It becomes much more complicated to see those nuances and differences and many cards start to simply replace one another instead of complementing. It also becomes difficult to tell if the reversed card means the same thing that the upright next to it or something else?

Reason #3: The Upright Tarot Cards Already Have SO MUCH to Tell

There are 78 Tarot cards, friends! For a reason, don’t you think?

And consider the fact that, practically in any spread, Tarot cards influence each other’s interpretation – so that the meaning of one card depends on the surrounding cards.

There really are plenty of Tarot cards in the deck and based on all the combinations, situations and nuances, we can really draw a conclusion that there is more than enough information as it is in the deck to give a quality reading. There really is no need to multiply all of this by 2.

Let’s look at a quick example here. Take the reversed 2 of Cups card that speaks about conflicts, misunderstandings and relationship struggles. Let’s say that this card came up as a Significator for a relationship reading.

Would something change drastically if there was an upright 3 of Swords or 7 of Wands card instead?

In my opinion, no. Both cards can describe the situation perfectly well, in their own ways.

For example, 3 of Swords card can say that the conflict that took place was really heartbreaking to the partners, while 7 of Wands can point on continuous arguments, clashes of opinions and misunderstandings.

And, in my opinion, these upright cards would give much more information than the reversed card, the meaning of which is quite questionable.

Reason #4: Some New Tarot Decks Do Not Have Meanings for Reversed Cards

And here you can say: “Well, a Tarot reader should be able to work with any deck.”

And this is generally the truth, but you need to take into an account that there are WAY MORE Tarot decks being created now than needed. And some people that release those decks have nothing to do with Tarot and are just hiring the artists to draw the cards choosing a popular theme, the prettier the better. Whatever sells well.

As a result, sometimes we pick up a deck that has really nothing to do with Tarot. And the meaning of the card completely deviates from the original or traditional interpretation.

RELATED POSTS: TAROT FOR BEGINNERS: STARTING WITH BASICS. HOW TO CHOOSE A TAROT DECK that is right for YOU.

For example, look at this “The Lovers” Tarot card that appears to be a Game of Thrones inspired Tarot deck.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m a huuuuuuuuuge fan of Game of Thrones (House Bolton, anyone? No?)

But this card has absolutely NOTHING to do with the meaning of the Lovers, as the Loves card has nothing to do with love!

It is a card of CHOICE more so than anything else.

This is why when you look at the traditional version, you see that he is looking at her and she is looking at the Archangel and behind them is a snake. What is the path you chose?

When we look at this Game of Thrones version of the Lovers card, we can see a couple deeply in love. They are together, they don’t need anything else or anyone else. In fact, there is nothing here pointing on a choice.

And you may say here: “Oh, well, John Snow made a choice. He left Ingrid and went back on the wall.” You know this, I know this. Does a person who has never watched Game of Thrones and just picked up this deck know this?

So, it may seem that I deviated from our original conversation on Tarot reversals here but not really.

The point here is that if the upright position of this card does not really mean what it should, what does the reversed card even mean? Does it point on a break up? Are they falling out of love? What if you pull this card for career? Well, I suppose, you can say that is signifies breaking of a partnership.

In reality, this is my PERSONAL interpretation and you can see this differently.

In this case, we will all just interpret the cards how we “feel” not how they should be interpreted.

Here I really like the approach of Aleister Crowley. Unlike Waite, who does talk about reversed Tarot cards, in fact, most of the literature on Rider-Waite deck talks about reversals, Crowley does not mention reversals at all.

All he mentions is “the shadow side of the Card.”

And it is absolutely an amazing way to put it.

Each card has its Shadow side but you don’t need to see it reversed to understand when it shows it.

Reason #5:  The Process of Tarot Reading

This would depend on how you personally deal with shuffling and picking cards during your reading.

When I get a question, I start shuffling the cards while concentrating my mind on the question and the spread. After that I pull individual cards either from the deck itself or I spread the cards from right to left and pick the cards I am drawn to.

The most mystical process happens while you are shuffling the cards and thinking about a question. It is sort of similar to a mini manifestation meditation when you let go of the unnecessary thoughts to allow your mind to concentrate on one specific matter.

RELATED POSTS: What to Do with a New Tarot Deck? How to Cleanse, Charge & Store Your Tarot Deck? Beginner’s Guide.

What was happening to the deck before the shuffling process or how I pull the cards after shuffling is done is not important. After you are done shuffling your Tarot deck, the cards that are meant to be pulled are already waiting for you.

For this reason, I don’t favour card reading method when the reader pulls cards for additional questions to clarify something. For the most accurate reading it is one question – one spread.

So, the thing is, while you are shuffling the cards you don’t flip them. When you shuffle a brand-new Tarot deck, all cards are in the upright position. How do you then get the reversals?

You get them when you are not collecting your cards gracefully after the reading and are just being sloppy.

Doesn’t it then seem like you are the one creating reversed Tarot cards yourself?

Of course, you can continue to flip the cards while you are shuffling, but it is already way too much hustle, if you ask me.

Reason #6: Look at The Spread as A Whole, It Has A Story to Tell

During many years of my work with Tarot, I have learned to analyze the spread as a whole and not read each card individually. This means that I don’t interpret each card one by one, I look at the surrounding cards, their elements and how they influence each other.

RELATED POSTS: TAROT FOR BEGINNERS: HOW TO BECOME A GOOD TAROT READER: My 3 Tips for Beginner Tarot Readers

For example, when I’m doing a relationship spread, I like to understand the nature of the partners. Not based on what THEY tell me, but based on what THE CARDS tell me.

So, I usually throw three cards per partner with the positions: what he/she thinks, what he/she feels and what he/she does.

When I analyze those cards, I look at the connection between them and also at any inconsistencies that may arise. For example, a partner may think one thing but do something completely the opposite, hide something, or may feel completely different inside.

This allows you to have a full portrait of a person as a whole.

And this applies really to any spread. You always try to read a story not just interpret one card after another.

Should You Then Ditch Tarot Reversals Practice for Good?

The thing is, there are many methods and techniques used by the readers. There are even those who chaotically throw cards on the table and pick the needed ones using their intuition.

There are many approaches to Tarot and divination as a whole.

My blog post does not call upon ditching reversed Tarot cards but rather asks to think about the process for a minute.

Perhaps, if you are a Tarot beginner, it would be a better idea to leave the reversals out and focus on other important aspects, such as elements, numerology and cards combinations.

But I notice more and more that even advanced and experienced Tarot readers leave the reversals out more often.

The ultimate choice is yours and depends solely on your preference. There is no right or wrong way.

[spiderling-space]

For Malleyuu Week 2021

Day 3: Hurt or Comfort 

This short fic is between my MC, Natalie Croft, and Malleus. Written in 3rd perspective from Malleus' POV.

This is slightly inspired by this idea

Italics indicate thoughts

Malleus Draconia & Natalie Croft

"Natalie"

"Malleus," Natalie greeted him, smiling and waving "oh, you addressed me by my name which means this is gonna be a serious talk." She shook her head and adorned a faux serious expression.

After spending a long time together, Malleus started to pick up when Natalie was being playful, sarcastic or stern. While she was trying to humour him, she made a correct statement. What he intended to say was crucial for him.

"It is," He affirmed the gravity of the situation serenely. "I would be elated if you agree to meet my grandmother." 

She tilted her head, furrowing her eyebrows. "I uh... What?"

"I told my grandmother everything about you. She requested to see you in person in order to get to know my special friend." Malleus clarified her confusion. That was right. He wrote about his special friend in his letter to his grandmother. All those moments they spent together, all the activities they did together and all the emotions she made him feel. She was truly a special friend as Lilia explained the type of relation he had with Natalie.

Her expression softened "Aww," she patted his arm, beaming at him, "thank you!" To his contempt, she withdrew her hand. "I'd love to meet her! When can I meet her?" Her excitement to meet his only relative was fluttering his heart gleefully. 

"I will be going back to Valley of Thorns during spring break. It would be magnificent if you choose to accompany me."

"Of course!" Malleus was overjoyed to hear her response. "Oh wait!" She touched his shoulder before he apparated away, making eye contact. Her beautiful green eyes were glinting with mischief. "So you think I'm special?" She flipped her hair with her hand, a bright smile adorning her face before winking at him, making his heart skip a beat.

Malleus became accustomed to her teasing, in fact, he sometimes yearned for it since he knew she was that way only with the people she deemed close. However, right now he just needed to send a letter to his grandmother, notifying her that his special friend agreed to meet her during the break. Getting away from her question was just another perk. "Farewell, Natalie." He chuckled before apparating to his room.

--------

The first day of spring break arrived in the blink of an eye for Malleus. Lilia and Silver were first going to go to Lilia's house in the forest, taking a break from knight duty while Malleus was already surrounded by multiple Royal Guards. Meanwhile, Sebek was going to stay with his parents even though he insisted to continue being his knight. Malleus knew that boy needed a break but was too proud to admit so he ordered him to spend time with his family. 

Then there were just him, Natalie and Grim who would go to his palace. He had ordered a special room to be prepared for her and Grim, filling the room with her aesthetics and ordered the cooks to prepare her favourite meals. He wanted to impress her and show her a  glimpse of the life she could have in Valley of Thorns. He also took Grim's preference into account as he knew Grim was holding a significant place in her heart.

"Nice," As Natalie's melodic voice filled the Magic Mirror room, Malleus started to get excited, yet showing a stoic expression on the outside. "Last time, students were going back to their homes, this place was like a circus."

"The others don't want to accidentally bump into me. Headmaster Crowley doesn't want the students to experience fear as they return home so he arranges my return home earlier than others." He explained casually.

"That's so cool! You won't get squashed between people and move freely!" Natalie added as she was pulling her 2 large baggage, clearly having a hard time with it. "Grim! Stop sitting on the case and help me push!" It was an amusing scene for Malleus but he didn't want her to force herself so he flicked his hand and her baggage started to float towards the Mirror. "Gosh, I wish I was able to do that!" He was always delighted to see her impressed by something he did or said. She looked around the room as if she was searching for something. "Where is your baggage?"

He chuckled, such a silly question, "I do not have any need to bring any of my stuff as I have everything I need in the palace." He then took a note of her baggages, it looked heavy in human standards as she was having a hard time moving it, knowing that she wasn't a weakling. "Do you plan to move in completely?" He had an opportunity to tease her so he had to take it.

"Oh my! You figured out my secret! How did you know?" She answered with the most exaggerated shocked expression he had ever seen. He knew she was only joking but a part of him wanted this to be the reality. He let out a small laugh to let her know that he understood her joke. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you. I have hidden a body there and I was planning to dump it in Valley of Thorns." So she wished to continue with her silly jester. "Fine, I'll tell ya. As you see, my clothing is different than usual." he nodded in agreement, he had noticed everything about her the moment she walked in. "I noticed that you cover your skin and I thought that it might be something cultural so as you see, I am covering more of my body. In my luggage, I have clothes in different styles that I'll wear if it is okay by Valley of Thorn's culture. I didn't want to be disrespectful towards you or your culture." His heart melted at that moment. She was sensitive towards his homeland and it was further proving that he chose the correct person. "Other than that I have my shoes, personal hygiene, feminine hygiene, ibuprofen, Grim's stuff, makeup, hair care products, hairdryer, hair curler, sunglasses, slippers, pyjamas and so on." He didn't expect a literal answer and was impressed by her dedication to her needs on vacation. Though, he didn't understand some of the items she listed.

"Since you have arrived, we can finally go." Malleus extended his hand towards Natalie, waiting for her to hold it as they went through the mirror. The second her hand touched his, grabbing it, Malleus felt a jolt run through his hand. He searched Natalie's face to see any reaction that would indicate she felt the same way but she was busy with holding Grim's paw and one of her luggages. He didn't want to wait any longer as he grabbed her other luggage and imagined his home before going through the mirror.

---------

"Not gonna lie here, I'm nervous about meeting your grandma. I feel like I'll mess up and leave a bad image of me." Malleus somewhat understands her worry, his grandmother was the one who would give her blessing to their relationship and she was known as the fae with the highest standard.

"Do not worry, Natalie, my grandmother knows how dear you are to me." He tucked in a strand of her red hair behind her ear. He wanted to hold her face there and then but now was not the time. He placed her hand interwoven with his arm and signalled the guards to open the door.

"You didn't even tell me how I should address her!" She whispered hurriedly as two Royal Guards opened the door of the throne room with their magic. There were no usual guards inside the room. He assumed she wanted to meet his special friend privately. As they walked inside the room, the door was closed.

Malleus' grandmother was nowhere to be seen as they neared the Dragon Throne. Then suddenly, he felt a shift in the magic behind them, indicating that his grandmother had arrived. "Malleus, my dearest!" His grandmother opened his arms waiting for a hug. He didn't make her wait, he let go of Natalie and walked towards his grandmother, hugging her tightly.

"Good afternoon," He greeted her before turning towards Natalie, extending his hand toward her direction. "This is the one I talked about, Natalie Emilia Croft." He spoke proudly, the moment he had been waiting for had arrived.

However, something didn't go as he imagined. Natalie, the person who always had something to say was standing there like a statue, eyes wide and not moving. He could hear how fast her heart was beating and thought it must be the sheer excitement. "Natalie," She didn't give any reaction again so he took quick steps to near her. "Natalie," he tried once again, touching her shoulder and shaking delicately.

"Huh?" Natalie got out of her trance. "Oh..." She shook her head as if it would clear her thought. Then she giggled, putting her hand on his bicep lightly. A cute smile formed on her face as she looked up at him. "Malleus, you told me we would meet your grandmother," she then withdrew her hand and turned towards the other fae in the room, "You didn't tell me you had a sister!"

Malleus was confused, trying to understanding the situation. He could sense that his grandmother was as confused as him but she was the one that recovered first. "Sweet little human, your flattery will not work on me."

Natalie took a few steps towards his grandmother. "I was only telling what I see, a goddess on Earth-ah-Twisted Wonderland." Something was off with the way she spoke. Her voice tone and expressions were way different from the way she spoke with him. "I am so sorry. I was enthralled by your beauty that our introduction was cut short. I am Natalie Croft, a friend of Malleus from Night Raven Collage. Lovely to meet you!" Natalie extended her hand toward his grandmother for a handshake. He didn't even pay attention to what Natalie said about their relationship. All of his attention was focused on his grandmother, waiting for her reaction.

His grandmother didn't shake Natalie's hand. Instead, she lifted her eyebrow, scrutinizing her as if she was trying to decide if Natalie was lying. "I am Maleficent Draconia, the Queen of Valley of Thorns and Malleus' grandmother."

"I am sorry, I have no idea how I shall address you properly. Where I am from, we only used Queen Elizabeth or the Queen, I have never had a chance to speak directly! Oh boy, I'm speaking quickly but it's because I cannot contain my excitement to meet you." Maleficent was known as a strict person so he was worried that she would disapprove of Natalie now.

Luckily his worries were farse. Maleficent chuckled, "Is this how you charmed my grandson's heart, little human?" She asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"I'm 170 cm so I am not really little," Natalie let out a little laugh, "I wouldn't say I charmed his heart per se. He is my friend and I behaved the same way I behave towards my other friends. He and some other people mentioned that people are afraid of him but, to be honest, I've never seen Malleus do something that would make me fear him. Also..." Natalie was talking about him but he lost his focus the moment she said that he wasn't treated special. He could see the same confusion on his grandmother's face.

"Little girl!" Maleficent's voice boomed, he could feel her magic in the air. "Did you admit you treat the others the same way you treat my grandson?"

Natalie gulped, "Y-Yes..." 

"So you admit you cheated on the person you are courting?" If things accelerated, he would step in between them. However, a part of him wondered the same question.

"Courting?" Natalie was confused. "I have read medieval setting books, I know that word." In all honesty, Malleus was impressed that she could form a coherent sentence in front of an angry Maleficent. "There is a misunderstanding. I am not courting Malleus or anyone. We are simply friends."

His grandmother calmed down as he heard Natalie sighing in relief. "Well then, we will converse again but first, Malleus," Maleficent looked at him, "Escort Natalie somewhere where you can have a private conversation. There is something you have to resolve." She apparated on her throne.

Malleus nodded, walked to Natalie's side, offered his hand. She held his hand once again and he ignored the sparks he was feeling this time. He apparated them to his rose garden before they sat on the bench. "Natalie," he started, "What did you mean back in the throne room?"

"Can you answer my question first?" She asked in the most sincere voice he had ever heard. He nodded in agreement. "Did you... tell your grandma that we are dating, I mean courting?"

"I could not contain my happiness and she loves to hear the changes in my life. I did write her letters mentioning all the activities we did for our courtship, you inviting me to places where only two of us are, us taking nightly strolls, you hugging me and kissing me."

"I- I only kissed your cheek as a thank you!" She answered apprehensively. Then took a deep breath. "You and I from different worlds and cultures that caused a misunderstanding to happen between us." She wasn't making any sense. Lilia told him all of them meant they were courting. "Everything we did together, me hugging you and giving you a kiss to a cheek are all friendly gestures. I-" She gulped, lowering her eyes momentarily before taking his hands into hers and making eye contact. "I don't see you that way."

"What way is that?" Words left his mouth before he could stop himself.

"I don't have any romantic feelings for you. I only see you as a friend." Natalie said only two sentences but it felt like she tore his heart from his chest and stabbed it. "You have been nothing but kind to me. You are the only person who was not mean to me ever. You have no idea how much that means to me."

If I mean so much to you, then why do you not want to be with me? Mean thought plagued his mind.

"You are one of the closest friends I have ever and I appreciate it truly." 

You do not seem to appreciate me as you break my heart.

"But I have never ever seen or thought of you anything more than a close friend." 

Malleus looked at her face to see if she was joking. As much as he wanted this to be a cruel joke, he saw that she was serious. But he wanted to try one last time. "Is there a chance of you to change your mind?"

She bit her lips, before plastering a smile on her face. "I cannot command how my heart feels, Malleus. I am sure you can understand that."

I understand it very well, Child of Man. A part of him was angry that she rejected him while the other part of him was upset that he assumed how she felt about him and their relationship were completely wrong. He wished he could tell his heart to stop loving her as more than friends and to seize aching but even with all the magic he had, it was impossible. He just needed some time alone to process all of these.

"You are free to explore the palace." Malleus had said as he retreated his hands from Natalie and stood up. Anyone would understand that he was upset as a lightning storm started over the palace even though he had stoic expression. "I have a matter to take care of, until then Croft." He bid her farewell before apparating to the mountains of Valley of Thorns.

[thebuckleydiaz]

for all we talk about the finale being reductive, finale apologists who make the claim that the winchesters finally learn from their past and stop tripping over themselves to sacrifice themselves to save each other

but like

sam never actually sacrificed himself to save dean. it was always the other way around

Dean dying in Faith, Sam does find the faith healer, the cost is (unbeknownst to them) a random other person

Dean dying in In My Time of Dying, it's John who dies to save Dean

Sam dies in All Hell Breaks Loose, Dean sells his soul to bring him back

Dean dies over and over in Mystery Spot and when it seems final, Sam seems more bent on revenge than actually saving him

Dean dies in No Rest For The Wicked, Sam tried to find a way but came up bupkis, it's Cas who saves him from hell

they both die in Dark Side of the Moon, and while neither of them saves the other, this shows pretty strongly where their priorities lie. Dean's priorities are Sam; Sam's priorities are elsewhere

Sam sacrifices himself to stop Lucifer - this is probably the only time Dean actually doesn't do something catastrophic to save him. Inevitably, it's Cas who saves Sam (which can probably be attributed to him learning love from Dean)

Dean 'dies' (from Sam's perspective) and is stuck in purgatory. Sam retires and makes seemingly no efforts to get Dean back. This is virtually indistinguishable from the events of the finale, with the notable exception of Amelia having a personality and no blurry face, and dog instead of kid. The dog had more involved character building.

Sam is ready to sacrifice himself for the world again in Sacrifice, stops only because Dean begs him to. Worth noting, I think, that Sam's sacrifices are usually for the world, while Dean's are for family (mainly Sam). not saying that this is good or healthy or better in anyway, still drawing a point to the finale

now we get to Dean doing some extremely sketchy shit to save Sam in I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here, this time at the cost of Sam's free will instead of, you know, his own life. Progress? Not really

Dean takes on the burden of the Mark in First Born, not really knowing the ultimate consequences, mostly to save the world but also because he feels bad about what he did to Sam.

There's a bunch of unnecessary conflict for the sake of drama, basically Dean will always do whatever it takes to save Sam, but Sam doesn't feel the same way, except then by Do You Believe In Miracles they act like he does except that he literally has never gone to the same extreme as Dean has

Probably the most extreme we get of Sam trying to save Dean is whatever happens offscreen before Black.

saving Dean in Soul Survivor is a combo effort between Sam, Cas, a little bit of Crowley, and exactly 0 personal sacrifices. oh other than that random loser Sam duped into making a deal with Demon!Dean or whatever

then Sam spends the entire season searching for a cure to the MoC, Dean spends... a lot less time than that before just accepting it. In Brother's Keeper, Dean is saved by some extreme means on Sam's part, however, once again, the actual 'sacrifice' isn't made by Sam - it's Rowena and her... immortal child-figure? (and also charlie)

oh and when Dean tries to make a deal with death, the deal is he has to kill sam which he like... almost goes along with but obvs he could never kill his brother, he can't even let his brother stay dead

oh right and saving Dean did kind of almost destroy the world... again. oops.

at this point, they seem to have maybe learned some kind of lesson. we broke the world, maybe we should not do that again if possible

when Dean is believed to be dead in Alpha and Omega/Keep Calm and Carry On (aka the only good episodes that contains that phrase) we don't really get to see a full reaction from Sam because he's held captive for almost the entire period of time between thinking Dean is dean and discovering Dean's alive. He probably would have not done anything crazy at this point?

in First Blood they both seem moderately okay with the prospect of the other dying, though they definitely would have fought over who it was going to be for a WHILE if not for the interruptions that nulled the contract

in Let The Good Times Roll, Dean says yes to alt!Michael to save Sam and Jack (and probably the world). So much for learning a lesson somewhere

when Dean is ready to lock himself away to keep Michael trapped in Damaged Goods/Prophet and Loss, Sam won't let him, but there's no real sacrifices here, he just talks him out of it

I'm sure I'm missing examples, but the point is, no one learned anything. Dean will still always sacrifice himself for Sam, Sam's only major sacrifices have been for the world at large, and when it comes to saving one another, Sam never really took it as far as Dean did. Again. not saying Dean is the "better brother" or anything like that, just that Sam letting Dean die in Carry On really can't be counted as character Growth when like. that's already happened several times. Sam didn't need to learn not to die for his brother. Sam, perhaps, needed his brother not to die.

[mirach]

Good Omens recs

Here are some of my all time favourite stories, but be warned that my taste is rather specific and can get into darker themes. I especially like hurt/comfort focused on Aziraphale, but that’s not the only thing you’ll encounter in this list.

The Strong Tower by @aziraphalelookedwretched  (M, 41,458)

After the failed executions, a vengeful angel takes it upon herself to neutralise the threat presented by Crowley and Aziraphale.

All stories by BuggreAlleThis are wonderful even if they get very dark in places. There (almost) always is comfort that’s more than worth the hurt and I love them all, but this one remains special to me as one of the first stories I read in this fandom and awaited every update eagerly.   

White Walls and Dead Air by BabyHoldMyFlower (G; 3,382 words)

It’s after the fourth day that he decides he hates God. He’s too tired to hold it back. Too miserable. Too busy dying. He knows he’ll go back on it later. He knows that he’ll repent later, and he’ll mean it, he thinks, once he gains some perspective, but there is nothing that could stop this bone-deep agony from churning and rising into something ugly. He’s not supposed to feel this way. He’s an angel, he really shouldn’t be thinking these things. Blind obedience is what they were created for. It’s in this moment that he can admit to a flaw in the Almighty’s design. If she wanted soldiers, she shouldn’t have given them the capacity to love.

Beautifully written and bittersweet, with lovely wing grooming and insights into the characters.

A Demon Would A-Wooing Go by @shinyhappygoth (G; 301 words)

“Heigh ho,” said Anthony Crowley, and just drove anyway.—Good Omens

Filk of "A Frog He Would A-Wooing Go".

I just love a silly take on a silly folk song that was actually referenced in the book, okay?

Flaming Sword by Bookwormgal (T; 8,576 words)

A dark shape in the not-quite-empty darkness. Dressed in black robes. Humanoid. Skeletal. Then wings unfolded. Angel wings, but not ones of feathers. Wings of night. Wings that Aziraphale could sense more than see in this strange place. And even if the thin thread didn't truly exist except as a concept to better understand what was happening, one skeletal hand rested on the weakening connection. Waiting patiently.

Azrael. Creation's Shadow. The Angel of Death.

"Oh," he said quietly, his voice swallowed by the emptiness.

Aziraphale remembered what happened. He remembered moving. He remembered the blade sliding in, sharp and sudden. He remembered pain. And then…

"I died, didn't I?" he asked.

I like the exploration of the theme of self-sacrifice here. This is just my personal pick from several of my favourite stories from this author.

Courage by Anonymous (E, 21,595 words - WIP)

Ten years after the world didn’t end, Heaven and Hell want to punish Aziraphale and Crowley for their treason.  Gabriel decides that the perfect way to punish both of them is to torture Aziraphale and force Crowley to watch; Hell agrees to the plan.  Aziraphale and Crowley are kidnapped from their South Downs cottage and taken to a neutral location; Aziraphale is tortured and raped and Crowley is forced to watch; they are then returned home, Aziraphale critically injured.  

This is the Prologue (the first three chapters; all of the violence is confined to chapter 2, which can be skipped).  

The real story begins in chapter 4; it’s the story of how Aziraphale and Crowley recover from the trauma.  They are both profoundly traumatized; it takes a long time, but they work through it together, and their marriage recovers.  There will be a happy ending.  

Aziraphale and Crowley heal each other.

This story is a WIP, but it already got to the part where things are getting better. It’s very (very!) heavy, but absolutely beautifully written, it’s giving me goosebumps.

Love Seeketh Not Itself to Please by die_traumerei (T, 14,645 words)

After Aziraphale is left gravely injured by a summoning, Crowley must take him to heaven and bargain with the angels for his life. It doesn't go as he'd expect. 

A hurt/comfort story that’s focused on the comfort part, really satisfying to read!

Evolution by @lady-divine-writes (M; 1,455 words)

Five times Aziraphale wasn’t the most confident Dom, and the one time it finally clicked. 

Again I’m only picking one story, but there are so many more from this author that I love! I bookmarked this one because I don’t usually see Aziraphale as Dom, but here he is fully in character and gets there through conscious effort, and it feels very empowering.

The Longest Night by @charlottemadison42 (series rated T-E, 34,747 words)

The night the Apocalypse doesn't happen, an angel and a demon share a bus bench on the way home to face their fates. This is the story of their evening spun out line by line, all the little moments that carried them through the night they knew might be their last.

A wonderfully written series giving a detailed account of the night before the trials, complete with drunken talk, with wonderful grasp of the characters. Again just a personal pick from the stories by a really great writer.

Who Needs Heaven (when we have each other)? by Kat_Rowe (series rated G-M (so far), 48,057 words so far)

Now that they're independent of Heaven and Hell, Aziraphale and Crowley become even closer. Friendship eventually turns to romance, and emotional intimacy to physical. (Slow-burn friends-to-lover fic series.)

A very gentle series starting with wing grooming and continuing through the exploration of a relationship in which one of the partners (Aziraphale) is asexual.

Fancy Patter on the Telephone by @hotcrosspigeon (G, 12,854 words)

A series of telephone conversations between Aziraphale and Crowley during the Lockdown.

They get steadily more desperate and ridiculous as the weeks go on.

Featuring a moping demon, a teasing angel, a pub quiz, an explosion, extraordinary amounts of alcohol, a bubble bath, awkward flirting, several love confessions... and an ill-conceived bet on who can last the longest without seeing the other.

What could possibly go wrong?

HotCrossPigeon is an amazing hurt/comfort writer who writes absolutely delightful Aziraphale ahurt/comfort from Crowley’s spot-on POV, so definitely check their other stories as well, but I just had to pick this one that’s actually humorous and doesn’t contain even a drop of blood because I couldn’t stop laughing with it.

Feathers by @29-pieces (series rated G; 23,247 words)

Pre-Apocalypse shenanigans. In this AU, when an angel and a demon fight, the victor customarily takes a feather from their opponent signifying victory over them. Usually followed by killing them, naturally. But sometimes the defeated angel or demon is left alive, minus a feather, so that everyone KNOWS. Neither Crowley or Aziraphale ever took part in that sort of thing because it's really just a mean thing to do.

A series of three stories, two with hurt Aziraphale and one with hurt Crowley.

5 Times Aziraphale was Almost Discorporated and One Time He Actually was by @charliebrown1234 (series rated T-M; 29,011 words)

This series is an absolute match for my need of Aziraphale hurt/comfort, just like their more recent story Ex Infirmitas, Sinceritas. One of the authors I’m subscribe to and read everything they write.

The Whole Sky Fell by @thepaisleyelf (T, 9,692 words)

“Okay, Aziraphale, out with it,” Crowley said finally. “What’s wrong?”

Aziraphale blinked. He suddenly seemed very interested in looking anywhere that wasn’t at Crowley, fiddling with the napkin in his lap.

“I don’t -- I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”  

Aziraphale really was a terrible liar. Under other circumstances Crowley might have found it charming, cute even, but his concern had been growing ever since he’d picked Aziraphale up for breakfast that morning....

Same as above, Turcote just knows what I love to read. Definitely check their other stories as well!

Desperate Ground by @desperateground (M, 55,883 words)

After they prevented the apocalypse and escaped execution, Crowley and Aziraphale thought they were safe from the machinations of Heaven and Hell. But there are still some demons with scores to settle - and since the angel and demon have made it clear to the world how far they're willing to go for each other, Hell has plenty of leverage on them.

A breathtaking story with torture and unwavering loyalty of the characters to each other.

***

And if you find these recs to your taste, then you might also enjoy

Back to the Roots by me (M, 90,946 words)

"We always knew it would end. Like mortals know that they'll die." Crowley closes his eyes, finding the stare of his own reflection unbearable. "When you're immortal, you can afford to pretend and hide and go slow. And then, when you finally figure it all out, it turns out that what you have can end anytime. It's unfair..." ---------- The morale in Heaven and Hell is low after the failed Apocalypse. Punishing the traitors (effectively this time) seems like a good idea to raise it for both sides - the angels would see what awaits them if they dare to disobey and the demons could just use some fun. And then there is someone else as well - someone whose grudge is even more personal. 

Also torture and unwavering loyalty, breaking the characters and then putting them together with great care. This is the darkest from my stories, so if torture is not your thing, you can check my other ones (mostly Aziraphale hurt/comfort too).

[nileqt87]

Despair For Castiel: A Review

From a series of posts before and after watching:

Before:

As far as I'm concerned, I'm now imagining the Empty having to deal with Gabriel and Balthazar redecorating the Empty into the angel/demon afterlife (probably with a lot of wacky alternate realities and bad porno) with all the free will angels and redemptive demons invited, Cas finding Meg and eventually Jack again for his true happy ending that he can have and Crowley probably trying to install himself as king again. Then when Rowena finally exits as Queen of Hell, she'll join and Crowley will annoyed, but Gabriel will be happy to see her again. LOL.

Megstielers also got robbed hard with all that setup of Cas still pining for Meg for YEARS, the Empty using her image (not Dean!) to taunt him (the Empty clearly saw Meg in Cas' head when it could have taken the form of anyone, including Cas like last time) and a whole dropped plot thread that Cas made a deal with Ruby to break a demon out of the Empty, which only makes sense with the one and only demon he'd actually want to let out of the Empty. That's dangling one 'ship a whole bunch of carrots (like every single Clarence reference for a decade) to rip the rug out from under them.

I suppose I should've seen it coming when the previously on segment for 15x13 was a Pizza Man and the Babysitter retrospective that shoved Cas out of the Pizza Man role beside Babysitter Nurse Meg to shove Dean into Megstiel's sexy times meme. I guess it turned Cas into just Dean's Baby in a Trench Coat (which was an insult about being useless to Dean's cause without powers, which suggests Cas has no worth to him otherwise), since he got infantilized with the removal of the Pizza Man originally being him.

I still haven't watched the episode. The Tumblr crap is that off-putting.

What should've been an epic moment in Cas' story is now tainted by his love of humanity, found family and free will (his real love story is with all of humanity and finding belonging, in spite of always being on the outside looking in on a life he can't have because he's not human) being reduced to horny girls who just want fetish smut with Dean and don't give a fig about canon Cas outside of a toxic, abusive crack!ship. It's always so immature and vapid!

It was immediately clear when I joined the fandom that shockingly few gave a crap about any character but Dean, even refusing to see what he's become in later seasons. Also numerous examples where they admit having not seen the show in a decade or only knowing the show via manipulative .gif sets. Cas and Sam (if they remember him at all) are just props or prizes to be won. They ignore context of familial/platonic relationships. Canon love interests aren't good enough because they're not the big prize of being a main. I also note the deluge of Wincest girls who hate Cas for existing (he's in their way) in the anti-Destiel tag.

I can't say the .gifs are making me want to watch, even though the dialog is vague enough to still fit Cas' actual character for the general audience who isn't glued to social media.

As for Dean's non-reaction, I had similar problems with Jensen's constipated acting back in 15x03 when Cas finally walked away while Dean looked like he couldn't care less, which the writers coincidentally praised Jensen for (holy crap that interview was up his backside) and completely ignored Misha actually giving a good performance in a scene that actually meant something long coming for Cas. I certainly can't say the same about the quality of this scene, which just looks forced on both ends.

I hope I like the episode more than the sounds of it, but my hopes aren't high. This is not how I wanted Cas' final moments on the show to be.

After:

Well, I got up the stomach to watch it tonight. Thankfully, in context, it definitely got blown way out of proportion by what the Hellers turned it into (as usual). Yeah, even when watching while unfortunately not blind to the wackadoodle fandom discourse, it played out better on screen than the .gifs. And frankly, a whole lot less like creepy Care Bear stare nightmare fuel than the few choice screenshots kept showing (yikes). I still wish Sam and Jack had been there, because they're just as much part of what connected Cas to feeling like part of a family (even more so in the later years), but it's not the total monstrosity it was turned into online.

Average viewers who just take canon as is without trying to read into it what they want to be there instead, IMO, will safely interpret it platonically (even if coming after a particularly hellish few years in Dean's personality rot where the whole friendship was beginning to be questionable) more often than not because that's what the canon has said for a dozen years. Again, I repeat that Cas already told the Winchesters he loved them when he thought he was dying.

It's a crime to have Cas' perfect philia (brotherly), storge (parental) and agape-style (sacrificial and unconditional) loves being immaturely twisted into eros in a way that degrades the whole meaning of the character's journey. People telling each other they love one another when it's not sexual should never be mocked into being afraid to do so because of this insidious, willful misinterpretation. If only somebody had told Cas they love him instead of him always being the one with his heart on his sleeve!

This character went from being tortured into a robotic, emotionless, ancient, not-remotely-humanoid being who couldn't relate to the simplest of human needs to being someone deeply in love with humanity and wanting to find belonging amongst it despite knowing it would always end with him watching them all grow old and die after having families and such experiences angels are forbidden from having (another reason why Jack was so important to Cas' story).

The wording is valid for that philia/agape interpretation, given Cas definitely equated Dean (whom Cas watched sacrificing himself for Sam endlessly, including why he had to be raised from perdition in the first place) with a guide role in his learning to understand humanity and proudly-defiant free will before he could love it. It's valid enough to say that Cas wouldn't have broken his programming permanently without being challenged to question everything he'd ever believed and give up his entire angelic belonging. That much of it did begin with Cas just happening to be the angel who succeeded in the Hell rescue.

Obviously, it's also canon that Cas had a long history of not following orders and getting lobotomized by Naomi, but Cas actually understanding humanity and what free will means did happen only after this particular rebellion. I'm very glad at least that was in the speech, but of course, it's being hopelessly ignored.

I stand by my interpretation that what Cas can't have has always been the tragic version of The Little Mermaid where she turns into sea foam in the end. Cas has always looked in on what everyone else takes for granted from the outsider's perspective. There's a part of him that will always be left out, no matter how well he learns to fit in and how much those around him begin to treat him as a real person. Cas never really got to truly belong with humanity, no matter how much he loves and is loved by it. He's also not getting to stay where he wants to be. There's no Pinocchio ending for Cas that turns him into a real Winchester.

Sadly, Dean's constant othering of him and Jack like they're just more monsters to hunt only alienated them more. Jack was someone Cas could relate to as a supernatural being capable of human emotions, which might also have furthered his draw towards Meg. Sam was also someone Cas could relate to as freaks and abominations amongst their own kinds. Sam always had that same struggle, also with his own family. It goes a long way towards explaining why Sam was always so empathetic to Cas and Jack in a way that Dean couldn't be. All three kept conflicting with that black & white humans = good/other = bad mindset that sometimes creeps in with Dean. When Cas was Dean's "best friend" in the early days, he rationalized it by thinking of Cas as being "like" a human ("You used to be human, or at least like one.").

Yet it still remains true that Cas often found himself looking to Dean to teach him about humanity back when he didn't know enough about it to be inconspicuous amongst them. Dean gave him the crash course in both what humanity is willing to do for each other, but also its flaws and failings at the same time.

Perhaps the saddest scenes in the episode were actually Sam watching everyone poof in front of him. Sam has really been forced to watch a lot of death scenes this season all by himself (as with Rowena), but he looked the most broken by Eileen's. Cas is going to be hard on him, because I genuinely think Sam was far closer to him in the end. Sam was the one who actually was trying to reach out to Cas when Dean repeatedly kept him out of the loop. Sam being left out from the final words with Cas or even hearing first-hand about the deal with the Empty just furthers that tragedy. While Dean has been raging at everything in sight, Sam and Cas have both looked broken, sad and tired all season.

[wakanda-flocka-flame-blog]

The 15x08 episode Preview is the Reason I’m Drunk.

Firstly, I must mention that the episode that airs tonight was written by Bucklemming and directed by Speight, so... get ready for pain and cheap jokes. :)

Alright here’s where we’re starting out. The kitchen.

This scene being shot in the kitchen is so important. This kitchen is regarded as the emotional hub of the Winchester family. It’s been a common place of gathering for the boys and their closest of kin. It served as Castiel’s happy place when he was being used by Lucifer in season 11 episode 18 “Hell’s Angel”. This kitchen was where they mourned the passing of their son, celebrated his return, and fought about how to handle his downfall -- which led to the “break up” between Dean and Castiel. 

Even though the kitchen is just one of many rooms in the bunker, the conversations that happen in this room are usually about the boys’ relationship with each other, the people they love, and the struggles they have with their emotional bonds. From Sam telling Dean he would have let him die if Dean had been the one to undergo the Trials in season 9 episode 13 “The Purge” to Jack asking Castiel why he can’t tell Dean and Sam about Cas’s Empty deal in season 14 episode 8 “Byzantium”. Unlike the strategy-bound plot points they tackle in their war room, the sickeningly violent threats in their dungeon, and the deafeningly long silences in their respective bedrooms, the kitchen is for family. 

The kitchen is the room in the bunker in which Castiel feels the most comfortable. In there, he is pictured seated lethargically or leaning on a table or wall whereas in any other room in the SPN!verse, he stands or sits stiffly at attention for the most part. I

It is also the place where Dean feeds his family. Dean is known to see food as a type of love language; he cooks and eats emotionally. He has been known to consistently prepare meals for and feed Cas who has slowly stopped reminding Dean that angels don’t eat. Like at the end of “Byzantium” when Dean, Sam, Jack, and Cas all shared a burger and a beer after Jack’s rebirth. 

Now, that that’s out of the way, let’s jump into the meat and potatoes of this meta study on the 15x08 midseason finale preview scene.

We open with Castiel sitting on his usual side of the kitchen table brooding, pensive, and alone. Immediately after, Dean appears by the door, peeking in before walking tentatively into the kitchen.

Something intense just happened between Castiel and Michael!Adam.

Cas glances up and they lock eyes for a second. The only time they give each other eye contact for the duration of the scene. Dean immediately heads to the fridge for a beer and opens it. He grabs this beer for show. He doesn’t seem to take a sip from it.

Note: This scene has running for 14 seconds in complete silence. Not even music. Just footsteps and breathing and Dean opening the fridge and popping a beer, so clearly that’s what the show is trying to get us to focus on. ITS QUIET. It’s tense. It’s strange. It sticks out to you as uncomfortable. This is on purpose.

Dean leans in the frame as though he’s standing at the table where he usually sits. The angle is staged in a way where they are both in the shot, but cannot be in focus at the same time.

For most of s15 a table has been between them whenever they were in a scene alone. There is intentional space here. They’re usually standing so close, a Bible couldn’t get through them. Dean has openly told Castiel to back up. This is weird for them, and it speaks volumes. They’re not as close as they used to be.

Dean says the first line, “Maybe you went too far.”

We can safely assume Dean is talking about what just happened with Cas and Michael!Adam, but there’s another strong layer to consider here.

Cas broke it off five episodes ago in season 15 episode 3 “The Rupture”. After that episode, Cas hopped in his car, stopped answering calls, and basically disappeared. He made himself unreachable. 

Hmm. Speaking of going too far...

If anyone has “gone too far” in Dean’s mind, it’s Cas. Remember, y’all, Dean is the type of man to blow up Cas’s phone if he can’t find him. And, if he’s missing Castiel so much so often that he’s doing that, anywhere that isn’t right beside him is too damn far away. I don’t know what went on in the scene with Michael!Adam yet because this is just the preview scene we were given. 

This episode airs tonight. 

Cas does not look at him and eventually grumbles out, “………maybe.”

Cas noticed how loaded Dean’s opening line was. It had a double meaning for them. The only reason they are in the bunker together is because of Michael!Adam, Sam’s wound, and… well, because the plot demands it. They’re refusing to talk about why they’re so upset with each other, and that communication issue is manifesting through one long, continuous, never-ending fight. In past seasons, things get icy when Dean and Cas fight. They’re known to ignore each other, stare coldly in silence, bicker about how hurt they are, talk to each other through their family (Sam and Jack), and throw in a diss whenever they can slide it smoothly into the conversation. All that stuff your Grandma and Grandpa do at the Thanksgiving table after their 60 year anniversary. So, Cas clearly knows what Dean was getting at when he suggests Cas went too far. Because they’re fighting. And they’ve fought off and on for eleven years. Dean stabbed him the second he met him, this behavior is nothing new.  

So, when Dean accuses Castiel, the angel answers, “Maybe.” instead of “you’re right”, which means there’s a fundamental disagreement here. They disagree when it comes to the episode’s textual issue of dealing with Michael!Adam and the subtextual issue of these two refusing to confess something to each other.

All in all, Castiel doesn’t think that he went too far in either situation, especially when it comes to Dean. Dean treated Castiel like a verbal punching bag, so he left and he did some stuff that Dean didn’t like, yeah, but he didn’t go too far. Not from Cas’s perspective. And, so Castiel’s answer to both questions is a passive aggressive “maybe”. Oof.

Dean speaks again, refusing to meet Cas’s eye, “I mean he’s been on lock down for quite a while, you know? Maybe you just, uh…………….. went too fast.”

Being locked in Chuck’s narrative has been like a trap for Dean. This narrative is something he can’t seem to get out of, much like a prison. Not knowing what’s scripted and what isn’t is getting to him. Freedom and free will is the paramount of Dean’s moral compass. But, in this situation, he doesn’t know how to be free, so he’s going through an existential crisis. And when he lashed out, it came from that locked up mentality being forced to do whatever someone else wants for the rest of his life, confined into a box, fighting the same fight over and over again. Dean can’t even trust his own friends, because they’re in this trap too and may be used to hurt him, which they have been before. 

(i.e. Castiel being used by Heaven to hurt/betray him in s4, Castiel being used by Crowley to hurt/betray him in s6, Castiel being used by the Leviathan to hurt/betray him in s7, Castiel being used by Naomi to hurt/betray him in s8, Castiel being used by Metatron to hurt/betray him in s9, Castiel being used by Rowena to hurt/betray him in s10, Castiel being used by Lucifer to hurt/betray him in s11, Castiel being used by fetus!Jack to hurt/betray him in s12...... they need the best counseling money can buy.)

So, when Dean says that he’s been locked up for a while and Castiel went too fast, he means he needed Castiel to stay --  to put up with his attitude for just a little while longer, but Cas...

He went.

Too fast.

After hitting Cas with cruel words in the face of what seemed to be endless, brutal rounds of family tragedy after family tragedy, Cas peaced out. He’s done being treated this way. He wanted to leave, so he left. And when he left….

He left before Dean could figure out the right words to say to make him stay. He left before Dean could take it all back. He left before Dean could fix it.

He went.

Too fast.

That being said, what makes Castiel "Cas” is that he confidently writes his own stories. Dean was who he decided to follow while he lived this chapter of his own angelic life, but if Cas wants to stop following Dean, he can and he will. With barely a moment’s notice. Just like he did with Heaven. Castiel is his own singular being. He is self-sufficient, independent, and strong as a ox. Castiel is a creature of the sky, he can fly far away and it will feel natural to him. But because he is his own man, he will do so when he chooses. Chuck’s involvement in their lives bothers Cas, but not in a way that prohibits him from living his life and being himself.

That is not the case for Dean.

There is another long pause. Cas is waiting for Dean to keep talking. Castiel’s silence is loud, but not striking. Dean looks down at himself like he said too much. In a way he did. He starts again, “What’s he doing now?”

“No idea. He was very distraught.” Cas answers with curt and measured statements, hands folded on the table, hair... flawless.

Cas knows what it means to be imprisoned and trapped. He knows what it means to feel pain. But what he doesn’t understand is why Dean internalizes his pain, lets it boil into toxic emotions of self-hatred, and uses it as an excuse to hurt others -- even as an excuse to hurt Cas. Why Dean would do that… Cas has “no idea.” 

He knows how he wants to be treated by Dean and he now refuses to accept any less. Thing is... Cas hasn’t told Dean how he wants to be treated. He just takes it and frowns. That doesn’t in any way mean he deserves to put up with Dean’s sourpuss attitude, but he is also expecting Dean to read his mind. They’re both at fault for the rift between them.

Dean presses the task at hand, wanting to cut through their fighting and solve the problem, “Yeah, but what exactly did he say?”

Cas, not getting the memo (which is very on brand for him), replies with words Dean has said to him unapologetically, “Leave. Get out. I want you dead.”

Cas looks like he’s about to cry.

There’s a long pause where Dean takes in his answer, knowing Cas is shoving his words back in his face. Dean nods and looks even further away from Castiel. 

Somehow, this can also translate to the dramatic scene that will soon happen between Michael!Adam and Castiel. 

It is important to note that Michael!Adam was the archangel who ran Heaven alongside Chuck for most of existence. He was every angel’s boss, including Castiel’s. There is no doubt that everything in Castiel’s life happened because Michael gave an order, and “Cas of the past” did it without question. Fast forward to 2008, Michael gives the order to rescue his true vessel and Cas fucking falls in love with it. Then, Cas rejects Heaven, teams up with his true vessel to fight him, and tricks him into The Cage for a very. long. time. Mind you, this happened after millions of years of basically being the most powerful being in creation with no enemies that could possibly be a threat. 

I bet Michael hates Cas, and if those two were in a room together, he’d see Cas as a traitor against his own kind -- against him. Without Castiel, he wouldn’t have been locked away. Whatever words Michael!Adam had for Cas couldn’t have been kind. And when Cas said this, he was telling Dean that nothing Michael!Adam said to him cut worse than what Dean had said to him over the last few weeks.

Then, Castiel adds, “We didn’t bond.”

When Cas said the word “bond”, Dean Broke Down. It’s all over his face, his eyes go glassy, he looks up with an emotional blush. He’s clutching that beer like a lifeline. The words hanging here are:

               We [Michael!Adam and I] didn’t bond. But, Dean, you and I did.

The thing about Michael and Adam is that they’re both Dean mirrors. They’re both final results of the two paths that Chuck’s script offered Dean, and they’re both not AT ALL who he is.

In every known universe, Michael is shown as this war hungry, super strong, ultimately immortal sociopath with unfettered power and no regard for humankind or monsters. If the supernatural world and Chuck had gotten their way, Dean would have literally become Michael. A villian. Dean does not consider himself a villian. 

Adam on the other hand is a Dean mirror in a universe where John has little to no influence on his life. Adam is “pure!Dean without John and Sam”, raised by Mary as Mary wanted to be (not a hunter, living an apple pie life). Untouched by the supernatural, Adam’s happiest memories are of his prom and playing at the park with his mom. He liked sports, he dated girls, he planned for college and a career in his future. His life is what Dean missed out on when he was raised by John. Yet, what happened to Adam at the end of his life would have happened to Dean if he wasn’t trained and ready to fight the supernatural (which happened when he was raised by John). If the mortal world and Chuck had gotten another variation of his way, he would have ended up killed and possessed without the proper tools to defend himself from a tragic fate. A victim. Dean does not consider himself a victim.

Neither Michael nor Adam are versions of Dean that Cas could have bonded with, and these are the versions of Dean that Chuck kept pressing into his narrative throughout his life. 

So when Cas said “We [Michael!Adam and I] didn’t bond” he was telling Dean that he always came back to him because he likes Dean for who he is, not for the narrative Chuck forces on his life. He doesn’t follow Dean because he’s the Righteous Man or because he’s Mary Winchester’s son. He follows Dean because they bonded. They have a connection, they’ve fought for each other, they know each other, they have history, they’ve coparented, and it is unlikely anything can break that bond between them.

He doesn’t understand Dean’s self hatred and cruel words which is why he left. Cas has come to a point where he knows Dean is a lil butthead sometimes, but because Dean and Cas are who they are, that connection between them is still there. Their bond hasn’t been severed, and it likely never will be. And a bond like that means that they love each other and will make it through this. But, Dean better not get it TWISTED. Their bond may not be broken, but it’s been beat down and slapped around. He needs to say sorry. Give a hug. Talk it out. Be a grown up.

Dean felt that pain Castiel felt when he heard his words repeated back to him. 

He knows he hasn’t apologized. And everyone (Cas, Sam, Eileen, even the viewers) are waiting for an apology and Dean’s not doing it.

Why is Dean not apologizing?

Why won’t Dean say sorry for the things he said to Cas? Why can’t he find the words? Why is this so hard for him? What is he afraid he’ll accidentally say?

Dean doesn’t respond, so Cas sighs and asks where Sam is.

Relieved to have a break from being confronted with his previous actions, Dean struggles out his next line, but his voice wavers like he’s trying to sound casual even though he’s definitely about to cry. Sam has always been an easy topic for Dean to talk about, and while Cas isn’t done fighting, he still wants to be able talk to Dean while they’re together.

Dean says, “Eileen hit a snag on a case. So… he won’t be gone long.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT KITCHENS TWICE MORE AND WE’RE DONE I PROMISE LOL

Kitchen Point #1: Eileen and Sam are quickly becoming a package deal. Just last episode, they were cooking and flirting and smiling after a long night of having fun together. And, here, we see Dean and Castiel having the complete opposite of a good time in the exact same space. There is a notable mirror between the scenes of “Eileen and Sam in the kitchen” while Dean goes off to let them build up their bond, and “Dean and Cas in the kitchen” while Sam let's them repair their bond.

Kitchen Point #2: The kitchen shakes in a way reminiscent of when their son Jack escaped from the Malak box in season 14 episode 19 “Jack in The Box”. Then the first time kitchen shook, it was the final catalyst to break their family. Mary had just recently been killed, Jack was soulless, Dean and Sam went behind Castiel’s back to lock Jack in the Malak box, and Jack was soon to run away and get murdered. The end result of the previous shaken kitchen was Jack’s murder, Chuck’s reveal, and Dean and Castiel’s split.

Now the kitchen shakes again.

Cas looks at Dean for a second time as the scene closes and gets up pointing out the culprit as he says Michael’s name.

We don’t know if Dean looks back.

We get a harrowing shot of Michael!Adam.

The screen fades to black.

I can’t believe there was so much to read from that one small lil tiny preview scene. Safe to say I’m strapped in for the episode. Bring it on.

Just gotta say, I’ve loved all y’all work for a while :) I wanna be a meta-writer too and finally got to do one :) I will be doing more throughout the final season :) your meta work gives me life :) so glad you are writing too :) 

@amwritingmeta @drsilverfish @naruhearts @mittensmorgul @bluestar86 @tinkdw @legendary-destiel @elizabethrobertajones @dotthings @dimples-of-discontent​

[wanna-b-poet31]

From Safety to Protection: How Aziraphale’s lies change throughout Good Omens (A meta)

Guess who finally read the damn book?! :D  For the purposes of this Meta, I’m viewing the book and the mini-series as two halves of the same whole, not necessarily the “same” characters parading in each, but definitely similar enough that the inner thoughts of one can help us understand the inner thoughts of the other. 

The Breaking Point

So, can we all agree that Aziraphale is not cut from the same cloth as the other angels?

While he has still been exposed to the toxic “homelife” of Heaven, been consequently conditioned to believe Heaven’s “there’s nothing to see here” rhetoric, and he has witnessed many travesties at the hand of Heaven, he has difficulty reconciling his “good” heavenly orders and his (from Heaven’s perspective) “pointless” love of humanity. 

In short, there is plenty of cognitive dissidence between the actions (or inactions) of Heaven, and what Aziraphale knows to be the “right” thing to do.

For examples of his struggle, look no further than this passage in the book:

His gut reaction is to tell Crowley. He goes on to describe how he not only “likes” Crowley, but they both like the Earth, and that he unquestionably trusts (and clearly desperately loves) Crowley. 

The question here is not “can I trust Crowley”, the question is, “how do I protect what we have?” 

He WANTS to tell Crowley. In the context of the mini-series, he WANTS to find Crowley before he runs off to Alpha Centauri and save the world with him. He KNOWS that doing so, saving the world IS the right thing to do.  Both selfishly and selflessly, he KNOWS Crowley and the world as worth saving.

However, in the same breath he asserts his trust of Crowley, he acknowledges that he does NOT see eye to eye with his superiors and that Heaven and Hell both treat the world as an elaborate chess game. Something meant to be won, not protected. Not loved. 

And yet, he decides to contact Heaven Anyway. Partly because he knows what he is “expected” to do, and partly because the nature of his abuse makes it difficult to reconcile his three “truths”: that the world is worth saving, that Heaven is intrinsically “good”, and that the “good” side treats the world as a chessboard.  

But they’re HIS side. Surely, that means the two ideas can be connected? Surely, they’d be more than willing to see the redeeming qualities of humanity? Surely, the powers of Heaven, which he has been told are undeniably good, would take care of their little anti-Christ problem. Right?

WRONG. 

He is continuously told by Gabriel, by Michael, by Uriel, by damn Sandalphon, and finally by “the Metatron” how “the war is meant to be won, not diverted”. There is no love for humanity, and finally, Aziraphale SEES the abuse. He recognizes that they are gaslighting him, “supporting” his choices, when they have no intention of preventing the war. 

Clearly, every other character we meet devalues his deep-rooted love of Humanity. We can see that after 6000 years every other supernatural character has fallen into line, having somewhere along the way stopped loving Humanity for Humanity’s sake, and loving it as means to an end -- a war.  Every other character that is, except himself and Crowley.

Once it’s clear to him that no one in Heaven actually cares about humanity. Nevertheless, they persisted. 

Together. 

On a side of their own.  

So, what does one abused angel with some undying love for humanity (and Crowley) choose to do with his revelation? 

He chooses to lie to save the world.  

  SAFETY IN LYING

It would be disingenuous to say that Aziraphale is a stranger to lying. He does it all the damn time. However, it’s his growth from lying to protect himself to protect Crowley and the world. 

For example, one of his “biggest” lies is to God. Despite confessing his actions to Crawley and is comforted by the demon, when he is confronted by the voice of God herself he is pretty damn terrified. The voice who literally just cast out angels for asking questions knocks on his door and asks him a pointed question and he lies. 

On one level you could argue he is protecting humanity here, but really, he’s doing it to protecting himself. He is terrified of falling, and the trauma associated with that fear motivates Aziraphale. He has seen his cohorts fall, he has seen war, he has seen the lack of love, and he can not take it. 

Losing love, or worse, doing the wrong thing, clashes with his identity as an Angel. Based on the emotional manipulation going on in Heaven, I think it’s safe to say that he’s not getting much support from them for this anxiety, so he has to ignore his feelings. 

Look at the fear in Aziraphale’s face when he admits the truth to Crowley. Certainly, the demon is lovestruck, but Aziraphale looks terrified. His body language screams fear, his mouth falters, his eyes are begging for forgiveness, and his brow is furrowed. He knows the gravity of his actions and needs the reassurance that he is deserving of validation.

But, given how all the other angels treat him poorly, and that the voice of God is confronting him with anger in her voice, I think it safe for us to infer that he is not given validity for his compassion.  

So, he lies because there is safety in lying, and the lies he tells protect him from the vengeance of his abusers.

LYING ABOUT CROWLEY

He also lies to Heaven to protect himself from their judgment about loving (or at least being around) Crowley. 

Not always an outright lie of commission like he does with the sword, but he hides and protects the one relationship that isn’t one-sided in his life.  Just like his lie to God, he is not doing it necessarily to protect Crowley (yes, it’s an added component,) but he’s also protecting himself because he would be just as likely to be destroyed if they are discovered as Crowley is. 

Again though, his lies aren’t for vanity, but safety. The choice to be in the metaphorical closet about his relationship with Crowley most likely stems from his constant abuse by Heaven. To cope with their belittlement and his own cognitive dissidence, he has developed mechanisms for deterring their wrath against him for loving unabashedly. It’s not a healthy environment for him to be in, and it shapes how he interacts with Crowley and humanity. 

This is not a commentary to his character. Simply to survive his abuse, he has to lie about his interests, his loves, his humanity, because to be anything but the hive mind results in more trauma. It allows for his safeguards to remain intact.

THE CHARACTER GROWTH

Whereas Crowley can come up with lies with ease, Aziraphale is a terrible and liar.   Once he reaches his breaking point the kind of lies Aziraphale tells is no longer rooted in personal safety, but the protection of others. 

Throughout the series, we examples of lies of omission, commission, and character lies. However, it’s not something they are seen to do particularly often, which lends to the idea that Aziraphale is somehow flawed or broken to Heaven. 

He’s none of those things, but having him believe this to be true, helps Heaven maintain their dogmatic hive-mind. Except, Aziraphale consistently defies their norm. His ultimate rebellion is his choice to lie. First about the antichrist, and then about the divine plan. 

He doesn’t know if what is “Great” is “ineffable”. He’s taking a chance that neither Beelzebub nor Gabriel knows either, and instead of deflecting their wrath off of himself, he uses his questions to protect Adam from Heaven’s wrath. And, likely to stop Heaven and Hell from forcing Adam to restart Armageddon’t.

Unlike his previous lying examples there is no ulterior motive to his lying. No selfish or safety concern he has. Just stepping forward and using wit more cutting than a flaming sword.  Aziraphale’s skill is with words, He doesn’t actually know if it will work, but he has to try when the world needs defending from Heaven who has pushed it onto the precipice between death and life. 

TLDR: Aziraphale lies to heaven for safety reasons but once he realizes the depths of his abuser’s indifference towards humanity he lies to protect others. 

Thanks for coming to my Tedtalk

[spooky-raccoon]

Road Trip (Finale-Part 14)

The finale!  Part 14 of Road Trip!

Rufo x Female Reader

Bold is Rufo’s Perspective

Non-bold is Reader Perspective

Tag List: @the-clown-crypt​ @chii2blog​ @booklover2929​

         I heard Albert walking around in the early hours of the morning and I figured I’d give him a little bit more time.  He could be a bit of a sourpuss in the morning depending on the day.  I was already wired from my now empty thermos of coffee and knew he would need his few cups too to get started.  (Y/N) seemed to be doing alright from what I could tell so I slipped out to take a bathroom break and see if he needed help with anything.  He had me help with breakfast.  Both of us were quiet as we cooked away.  The stress of the day was already so thick in the air that I could cut with the butter knife I was using on some toast.  

        Albert finally spoke though.  “After we all eat, I’ll start getting the living room ready.  You and her freshen up.  And Cecil.”

        “Yeah Albert.”  I looked over to him from my simple task.

         “I’ll need some of your blood for some of the symbols I put on her. You and her have a strong connection so it’ll help keep her anchored.”

        “Whatever you need Albert.”  I perhaps sounded more groggy and the yawn I let out didn’t help.

         “You didn’t sleep a wink did you?”  Albert said without missing a beat as he started to slice oranges for orange juice.  The man knew me well.  I couldn’t help but chuckle as I went to flipping the eggs.

        “No.  Not a single wink.  Been too wired after yesterday and what almost happened.”

        “Can’t say I blame you Cecil.  I’ve seen what this sort of thing does to someone.  It’s not pretty.  Not even your hands would have stopped what would happen if you were alone or still at that hospital.  Angry spirits get what they want after all and they don’t care how.  You know that very well.”  There was a hint of a smile on his face that I caught out of the corner of my eye.

       “I had a little bit of help.  Even the greatest escape artists has a great assistant behind the scenes.”

        “And it’s been one of the best investments I’ve ever made, Cecil. I consider you a friend besides just someone who works for me. You know very few have that title.”

       “Albert, I think you need more coffee.”  I cracked a smile, a genuine one since a few days ago.  “Either you’re still tired or you’re getting just a bit mushy in your old age.”

       “If that was the case I would be goo a long, long time ago.” Albert let out a chuckle while we wrapped up breakfast.  “Now, go make sure she eats and then we’ll get started.”

        I grabbed the plates he offered to me along with another cup of coffee for myself.  I probably didn’t need it after the thermos, but I have a hard time saying no to a good cup of coffee.  I didn’t really touch my food.  Instead I made sure she ate, and she seemed fine as she took each bite.  Almost like the other day didn’t happen and she didn’t almost spew some too powerful spirit energy from her mouth.  She was still like a limp doll but that would change soon. Soon she’d be back to normal and she would smile with that sparkle in her eyes.  She would hug me tight and I’d hear her voice again.  We could take silly pictures again on her phone and I can take her to diners when I go to bring her home.  I cupped her cheek and gave her a feather like kiss on her lips then looked into her eyes.  I hope she could see right back into mine.

       “We’re gonna get you right as rain (Y/N).  It’ll be alright soon.”  I knew she couldn’t answer me back, but I just wish she could say something.

       With a heavy sigh I scooped her up into my arms, bridal style, and made my way with her to the living room.  The furniture had already been pushed to the sides and Albert was busy drawing a variety of symbols on the floor in chalk.  For now he had me set her down on the couch.

       “Your hand Cecil my boy.”  He held out his hand and I offered mine to him.  “This will hurt just for a brief moment.”

       “Don’t worry about me Albert.  Not the first time I’ve been cut up.”

       Albert chuckled before grabbing one of his knives he had at the ready and gripped my wrist.  He made a few quick cuts and the blood that came from them he gathered in a small bowl. I had already healed as he knelt down by (Y/N) and collected some of hers.  Did it irk me a little as I watched the knife cut her next?  Maybe but I had to remember it would help.  I watched as he mixed the two together and pour in a mix of various concoctions.  I didn’t understand what he was doing but I didn’t need to.  As long as it got her back.

       “Lay her in the middle Cecil.”  He gestured and I did as instructed.

        He got beside her once more and with a small paint brush he started to paint symbols on her visible skin.  I was almost mesmerized as he made sure he got each one right.  I could barely hear him start to mumble under his breath, but he was saying some sort of chant.

       When he covered most of her chest that's when the screaming started. It wasn’t like the ones I heard in that run-down cabin that were hers.  No. These were like a beast got its leg stuck in a trap and was being stabbed by hunters.  She started to thrash, and Albert barked at me to get her pinned down.  I could barely hear him over the howling, but I moved.  I had her arms pinned down and he positioned himself to sit on her legs though she still managed to rock us both around.  That’s when I saw a light come from her mouth.

        “Albert!  Hurry up!” I moved quickly so my knees were keeping her arms down so my hands were now free to clamp her mouth shut.

        “Haven’t had anything so feisty in a while.”  I could hear Albert mutter as he dropped the brush and opted for a knife instead.  “She won’t like this but right now I don’t think she gives a damn.”  With her shirt hoisted up he started to cut into the flesh of her stomach more symbols and he spoke more words in forgotten languages. As he chanted he yanked my hands away just in time for her mouth to open and a series of orbs came from her mouth that flew around the room and fizzled away.

      The strange growls that were coming from her suddenly died down and I watched as her eyes came back into focus on the world around her.  I moved off her arms and stayed to her side, my hands going to cup her cheeks.  Her skin felt so hot and after the strange clamminess it had felt not an hour ago I was relieved.  She looked so exhausted and like she was about to pass out.  Though I couldn’t blame her if she did right there.

       “Doll?  Talk to me (Y/N).  Let me know it’s you and not some rube in there.”  I didn’t mean to sound hopeless or to beg but after everything I just wanted to see her back to normal.

       “Rufo?”  My throat felt sore, almost like I had been on roller coaster all day and screaming the whole ride.  “Where.. where am I?”  I tried to sit up, but my body felt stiff and weak.  Rufo moved to help me up and I saw a man standing in front of me.  Looking around I could see a bowl of a red liquid and then there was a pain in my stomach.  When I looked down I saw weird symbols etched into my skin.  “What the fuck happened to me?”

       “You, my dear, got caught in something nasty when you played hero for our dear Cecil.”  The man went to gather the items that were around.  With the things put away he offered me a hand for a handshake which I took.  He had a firm grip though I expected as much from a man who was built like a middle-aged truck driver.  His eyes seemed friendly, but something was off in them.  “Albert Miles.  You can call me a longtime friend of Cecil’s.”  His hand let go of mine and he helped Rufo get me up onto my feet then sitting down on the couch when we realized my legs weren’t ready just quite yet. “He brought you too me after the little incident with Crowley in the cabin.  It’s a good thing he did, or you certainly would have been lost.”

       “I don’t know how to thank you but, well, thank you.”  Rufo put a blanket around my shoulders which I held tighter onto me before grabbing something to clean my cut into stomach.

       “No need for thank you’s (Y/N).  It’s not often Cecil brings a friend over so I’m happy to help.”  There was that smile again that almost sent chills down my spine, but I smiled back at him.  His eyes went to Rufo who now slipped an arm around me.  “You two clean up then get some rest for a few days before heading back.  And take your time to bring her home.  We don’t need anything to be rushed.”  With that Albert turned on his heel and walked toward what I saw was most likely the kitchen.  “I’ll make us a lunch.  Exorcism’s always leave me hungry.”

       Lunch passed with a blur and the rest of the day followed suite.  Seeing the smile on Rufo’s face was the main thing that was consistent though.  Even as he helped me shower or get into bed there was always a smile on his face.  Albert had been a kind host and I found myself thanking him maybe a little too much as he and Rufo were getting the car ready for the drive.

       “Now, now (Y/N), I’m happy to help.  Besides, Cecil and I have an agreement so I’m always pleased when we can both benefit from it.”  Albert handed me a small leather satchel.  I could hear the clanking of vials inside as I took it.  “There’s some medicine in here in case you start to feel a little off.  There may be some aftereffects but keep up with it and you’ll be just fine.  Only a few sips each time mind you.”

       “Thank you, Albert.  For everything.”  I managed one final thank you before Rufo ushering me to the car.  We both gave Albert a wave goodbye and we were off.

        The drive was mostly quiet but the occasional song singing and light chit chat.  It was almost like nothing happened, but I knew Rufo was keeping an eye on me.  I could see from the corner of his eye how often it would flick over to me.  He even reminded me a few times to take the medicine before I realized I needed it.  It was good to be back again though I had questions.

        “What happened after I hit you out of the light?  I only remember pain and then not being here.” We were sat in a diner, far from others though it wasn’t exactly busy.  Rufo raised a brow while he was taking a mindful chew from his burger.

       “Crowley and I immediately took you to a hospital.  I was too angry to go inside so he took you in. We realized this was something regular treatment wouldn’t fix so he had me take you to Albert.”  He leaned back in his seat as he spoke, and he fiddled with his glass in his free hand.  “I honestly expected him to try to fight me while he had the chance but seems you said the magic word that turns that little switch in him when you just lost consciousness of yourself.”  He could see my confusion clear on my face and there was a small smile on the corner of his lip.  “You said one little word.  Please.”

       I sat there for the rest of meal, both a little confused and thankful. To be fair, a lot of this strange world I was exposed to left me very confused ever since Rufo revealed his clown face to me.  Even when Crowley first sat down across from me at that small diner and warned me about Rufo.  Maybe one day I’d get the answers about some things but for now I was ready to wrap up this vacation and get back home.

       It was almost nice to get back into my town and then to see my small home on the block coming into view.  Rufo pulled into the driveway and despite me saying I could get it, we spent a few minutes getting my things either in the house or in the garage where I could take care of it later.  The whole time though there was an odd look on his face.  He looked almost lost and perplexed.  When the last of it was put away we found ourselves standing in my driveway.

       “(Y/N) promise you’ll take care while I’m gone.”  His hands rested heavy on my shoulder and my gaze went up to his face.  He was already looking down at me.

        “I promise, Rufo.  Don’t worry too much about me.  Promise me that you’ll take care as well.”  That made him crack a bit of a smile.

       “Oh, don’t worry about me doll.  I’m hard to get rid of.”  His brows raised, eyes widening a bit like he remembered something, and he quickly reached for something in his pocket.  “I, well, I got this for you for when you woke up, but it slipped my mind to give it to you then.  I wanted you to recover and rest first.”  He slipped out a small box and he handed it over to me.  

        “Rufo, you didn’t need to get me anything.”  He slipped it into my hand, a move insisting I take it regardless my protests.  With everything that’s happened and how he’d been, I couldn’t really say no.  I opened it and revealed inside the lovely locket inside.  “Rufo, it’s beautiful.  Thank you.” I went to flip it open to make sure the hinge worked properly, and I saw a picture of the two of us inside.  The selfie from the cliff.

         “Albert must have put that in.”  Rufo chuckled and I could see him shaking his head.  “He’s always been a sly man.”

        “I’ll have to thank him again another time.”  Rufo slipped the necklace from my hand and helped me put it on.

       “I need to get going.  I promise to come back.”  Rufo’s eyes roamed over my face like he was trying to make sure he remembered every little feature.  “And when I do, I’ll take you on another trip and I’ll show you all the best sites out there. Coney Island, every fun little museum and we’ll do anything else you want.”

        “I’d like that a lot, Rufo.”  My hands went to hold the back of his neck and we shared one last kiss.  It was deep and I felt my heart skip wildly in my chest.  Everything in me didn’t want to let him go but I knew he couldn’t stay.

       I felt my heart sink as he gave me one last smile before turning and walking down the street.  I watched him until he was a speck on the horizon.  

 A FEW WEEKS LATER

        Rufo had been gone for a little over a month now and he kept in contact when he could.  Usually always by a different phone number but it was always nice to know he was both doing well and to just hear from him.  He always said he’d be back soon though it felt like it would take longer and longer.  Either way, I’d be patiently waiting.  Our last conversation he was nearly all the way across the states but the good news he was almost done with his job.  Almost.

        The next morning I found myself sitting at the dining table with breakfast fresh on the table.  And then a knock on the door.  Usually the newspaper delivery boy just hit the door but perhaps he was trying a different approach.  I got up, still in my pajamas and somewhat messy hair, and answered the door.

        “Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes doll.”  Rufo in his human look was there and he had a duffel bag in hand. “Miss me?”

       “Rufo!”  The duffel bag fell to the ground as I nearly tackled the man to the ground, and he had to quickly grab me.  “You’re here!”

        “I had to lead you on a little bit.  I needed to make sure you were surprised when I came back.  I think it worked pretty well, don’t you think?” He let out a laugh and he smiled down at me.  “Finish what you were doing and get ready to go.”

        “Where are we going?”  A look of confusion replaced my excitement but that only made him smile even wider.

        “Just on a little road trip.  I got it all planned out and set up for us.  It’ll be a blast (Y/N).”  He grinned before planting a gentle kiss on my smiling lips.  

       I used to ask myself if I would have agreed all that time ago if I would still let the man at the gas station into my car when he asked for a ride. As we drove down some random highway in the back way of somewhere that question popped into my head once more.  The answer has always been yes.