#I feel this so much because procrastination is a huge weakness of mine | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

btsmakesmehappy · 4 years

Text

Sweet Scent | 4

Genre: Agent au. Colleague au. Mutual pining. Angst with Fluff at the end

Pairing: Agent!Jungkook x Forensic Doctor!reader

Word Count: 10k

Rating: 18+ (M)

Warning: reader feels a little insecure. reader is held on a gun point. (Not too explicit) violence. Guns. Reader and JK are hurt. Angsty with fluffly ending. I think it’s all? (Please tell me if I miss something!)

Chapter: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | completed

Summary: Why does he always look so nervous in front of you? Is it because of your excessive flirting? But how come you don’t tease him when he looks so incredibly cute every time he blushes?

Series Masterlist: The Company

A/N: Thank you for @arizonapoppy for betareading mine. You’re the best! Also the next part (sequel/drabble) will be posted next year just so the timeline makes more sense. So the next update will be the other member <3 Hope you enjoy!

Send an ASK if you want to be added in the taglist!

A knock on the door made you turn your head in confusion. You’re not expecting anyone right now. It’s almost nine o’clock in the night, and the building should be emptied by now, it’s past the office-hours.

Maybe a new case?

With the thought of that, your smile was beaming. You rose from the chair quickly and walked to the door. It’s the person behind the door that made you thank God that you decided to stay late at the Company.

Jeon Jungkook.

It’s been a month since you saw him in the firing range. You’re hoping to meet him again somewhere in the building, especially the cafeteria (because there is some information that you’d find him there), but you’ve never got the chance. The funniest thing was the other colleagues always found him there, except you. It’s just like destiny didn’t want you to meet him.

You believed in destiny. You believed in the universe.

You believed in the fall-in-love -at-the-first-sight. You believed in there’s sparks when you grazed someone's hand. You believed in the fallen books when you bumped the one in the corner of the street. You believed in the stranger sitting beside you on the plane while you’re travelling.

But unluckily for you, that’s never happened.

Still, you tried to believe in destiny, hoping to get some of it in your life.

After a month sitting in the cafeteria, waiting to bump a certain someone there, you’re getting tired of waiting for destiny. Well, even though you’d met him, would you still call it destiny? Weren’t you forcing it?

Which is why, it’s so weird how the universe just sent him to you that day. The day when you skipped washing your hair for the four days because you overslept and you’d tie it into a bun anyway. The day when your eyebrow pencil suddenly went missing. The day when you ate tomato pasta and dropped it on your shirt, leaving your white shirt with a huge red stain on the chest.

Why should it be that day?

Maybe the universe hated you.

“Y/N, right?”

His voice rang like a church bell, ringing through your ears and shaking your entire body. It’s almost magical that he sounded like an angel, and you longed him.

You couldn’t remember how long you looked at him, as his face turned red and uncomfortable. “He-Hello?” He timidly asked.

You shook your head quickly, “Ah, sorry. What can I do for you?” You opened the door widely as you gestured to him to come inside.

But Jungkook stayed in his spot, outside the doorway. He lowered his head to look at the paper in his hand, refusing to look at your eyes. “I need a report from the Ahn case.”

You crossed your arms over your chest, leaning to the door frame. “About that, I don’t think it will be done by tomorrow. As you know Doctor Lee is still sick, so there’s no one to finalize the report.”

Jungkook bites his lips and sighed. “Yeah, I heard. Can you just- you know what, nevermind. Thank you.”

He bowed to you slightly and walked away. Even his body was that bulky, you could see how tired he was from behind. And somehow it hit a soft spot in your heart.

And maybe, you just wanted to be with him.

“Hey!” You yelled, he turned his back to you in confusion. “Do you want to see the report for a bit?”

Three days.

Three days you rejected every call from Jungkook. Three days you ignored all the knocks at the door from him. Three days you deleted all the messages he sent without even reading them. Three days.

And by Friday, you’re back to work, only because your days off are over. And unfortunately for you, Jungkook knows it too. It’s about time for you two to meet each other. It’s about time for you to stop avoiding him.

So, on that same day, you wake earlier than usual, leaving your apartment earlier than usual, but still go to work as late as you can. You hide at the bakery near the Company, eating a chocolate croissant, drawing it out by pulling it into flakey pieces, procrastinating.

You still can’t meet him yet. You don’t want to.

You walk as fast as you can to the elevator when you arrive at the Company. You look left and right as you tap your foot impatiently, waiting for the elevator. This elevator is taking so long.

“Y/N!”

You tense as you hear your name, looking timidly to the source of the voice. Please don’t be Jungkook, please. And when you look at the man standing behind you, you sigh in relief. “Hey, Jimin. What’s up?”

“How are you doing? Why do you look so pale? See a ghost?” Jimin asks while resting his arm on your shoulder.

You laugh awkwardly. “Ah really? Maybe just from the lack of sleep.”

He looks at you weirdly. “You literally had days off, why did you have a lack of sleep?”

You clear your throat, there is no way you would tell him about what happened and how it bothered your sleep so much. How his best friend and colleague is the reason for your tiredness. “Just some Netflix. Catching some dramas.”

“Really? What drama did you watch?” He asks excitedly.

“Uhh. Itaewon Class?” You let it slip your mouth. You don’t even know what the drama is about, only heard the title from Sehun a week ago.

Jimin looks at you with widened eyes and takes a step backward. “Well, I shouldn’t be too close with you then. I don’t want to be spoiled. I haven’t watched all of the episodes.”

You smile. “Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t.” In the corner of your eyes you can see a familiar man walking to both of you, a man that you want to avoid. Somehow in the middle of a busy lobby, your eyes were still drawn to Jungkook. He still doesn’t see you, which is good news. Checking the elevator, you hiss softly because it is still on the eleventh floor. Too long. “Anyway, I’m gonna have a call first. See you later!” You walk away from Jimin, without spending another glance. You need to get out of there, fast.

You still can’t see him yet.

Lucky for you, you decided to wear sneakers today. At least you can run four flights of stairs without being afraid of sprained ankles.

“Hey Kook!” Jimin calls and waves excitedly. “Overslept?”

Jungkook smiles weakly. “You can say that.” Lie. In fact, he woke up earlier than usual and he went to your apartment, and after two hours of waiting in front of your apartment like a persistent stalker, he finally realized that you’d already left the apartment. But Jimin doesn’t need to know that.

Jimin nods in understanding. “Oh, you know who’s come back to the Company? Y/N! Apparently her days off have ended. Actually, she was here just now.”

“Really?” Jungkook asks with widened eyes. “Where is she now?”

Jungkook’s reaction catches Jimin off-guard. The way Jungkook finally shows some interests in you, makes Jimin happy. “Well.. She said that she’s calling someone. You know, since you can’t have a phone call inside the elevator. But I don’t know where she is.”

Jungkook looks around him, but he still can’t find you. A thought drifts into his head, that you saw him and still didn’t want to meet him. And with that thought, he feels a stab in his heart.

Jungkook, you’re so stupid. You’re drunk stupid.

He wants to hit himself. Oh, he would if he can, especially in front of you. Not that he wants to show off or something, he just wants you to know how terrible and bad he feels about what he’s done. He even swore himself that he won’t get drunk ever again.

You stupid drunk jerk.

Even if you wanted to see him, what should he say? He hasn’t thought about it, and yet he called, messaged, and came to your apartment for three days in desperation.

“Kook?” Jimin asks warily. “Are you okay?”

Jungkook shakes his head. “Ah. yes. I’m okay.”

Jimin sends a mischievous smile to Jungkook. “You want to run after Y/N, don’t you?” he asks as the elevator finally arrives at their floor.

Jungkook looks at his feet and decides to step into the elevator. If she still doesn’t want to see me, there’s no point for me to force her. “Nah. I don’t want to.”

Lie.

How he wants to see you so much. So damn much it’s hurting him.

“Well-well, who’s there?” Sehun turns his chair to see you, still controlling your breath in front of the door. ”Why are you out of breath?”

“Stairs.” You roll your eyes as you wipe the beads of sweat forming on your forehead. You really need to work out sometimes, not just sitting and living a sedentary lifestyle.

He raises one of his eyebrows. “The elevator is broken?”

You shake your head weakly and sit on your chair. “Just need a little exercise.”

Sehun squints at your face and hums, realizing something is not right about you. “How are you? Okay?”

You nod and sigh. “Yeah.” You send him a weak smile. You look at your desk, it’s clean but you can still see the horrible image burned in your mind. It’s kinda hard for you to just delete it from your memory. Besides, it happened less than a week ago.

“Oh, I also finished your report. I was thinking that at least we should send an actual report, even though the investigation fell apart. What do you think?”

“What? I’m sorry. What are we talking about?” you ask, looking lost.

Sehun sends an assuring smile. “This report. We should send it to the agents. Don’t you think?”

You fiddle the corner of your shirt. “Yeah, I think we should.”

“You want to give it to them?” Sehun asks again. You bite your lips, your mind wanders. Seeing your sudden silence, Sehun rises from his seat and taps your shoulder lightly. “Actually, just stay here. I’ll take it to them.”

You watch his back disappearing from your sight. Again, you’re alone in this office. This office, your second home, but you barely feel comfortable sitting here. The scent of coffee you usually make every day is absent, since Sehun never drinks coffee in the office. You only detect the lemon scent from the air refresher in the corner. It’s supposed to be relaxing but instead, it makes your heart beat rapidly.

You feel sad.

Jungkook sighs again at his desk for God knows how many times. And everytime he sighs, it is just getting louder.

It begins to irritate the other agents around him. Especially since they haven’t been assigned to another case yet. To them, The Case of The Young Man in Distress, is their new case, and it somehow excites them.

Hoseok steals a glance at Taehyung and Jimin, sending signals right then and there. After they nod, they roll their chairs closer to Jungkook’s desk. “What’s up with you, Kook?” Hoseok starts.

Jungkook stares at the screen of his laptop, hands continually moving his mouse without any intention. “I’m fine.”

Taehyung snorts. “No, you’re not. Tell us what happened.”

“I’m fineeee.”

The older men share another look between them, they all look so concerned about Jungkook, but what can they do if Jungkook shuts his own mouth, let alone his feelings?

Jimin notices that their office door is open and yells deliberately loud. “Oh. Here’s our favorite forensic doctor!” It makes Jungkook flinch and Jimin sees Jungkook trying to steal a glance at the door and takes a deep sigh. “Our Sehun-ie. What can we do for you?”

“Just delivering some reports.” Sehun looks at the agents crowding Jungkook’s desk and points directly to Jungkook. “What’s wrong with him?” The agents shrug simultaneously.

“We are trying to find out. Wanna join?” Hoseok pulls another chair beside him, tapping the seat, gesturing to him to sit.

Sehun throws the report on the desk. “I want to. But I also need to find out what happened to my staff too.” Sehun turns his back and waves to them over his shoulder. “She looks troubled and unfocussed. Bad day, I think. See you, then.”

With the sudden drop of information, the three of them look at Jungkook’s reaction, who freezes in his seat. Something must have happened with the two of you.

Jimin asks cautiously. “Did something happen with Y/N?”

“Maybe on the day when you went missing after drinking with Yoongi?” Taehyung adds, which makes the older guys look at him questioningly. “Yoongi-hyung told me.”

Jungkook doesn’t answer, instead he sighs and runs his hand through his hair in exasperation. The other agents know that they hit a sore spot. He bites his lips, hesitant to talk to them, but on the other hand, he doesn’t know what to do. Everything he chose seems like a wrong choice. Everything he does seems to push you away even further. “I-I just don’t know what I should do, Hyung.”

Hoseok pats Jungkook’s shoulder softly. “Tell us in detail. We’ll help you.”

And just like that, everything opened in public, well, to his best friends. How his heart feels weird whenever he sees you. How his heart ached when he saw you hurt. How you looked so weak and pained and disappointed when he took you home. How he went to your apartment drunk. How he wanted to apologize to you. How he kissed you drunk and how you pushed him back. How his heart crashed when he saw you cry, sobbing on the floor.

They listen to his story carefully, patting his shoulder several times when he looks like he’s going to burst into tears.

“And now, she doesn’t want to see me. I’ve been trying for three days.”

The silence falls in the room, it is interrupted when Jimin hits Jungkook’s head lightly. “Aigoo, you are an adult now. Stupid, but still, I’m just so proud of how you grew this fast.” Jimin smiles and hugs Jungkook lightly.

Jungkook whines. “Hyung, that’s not the point. What should I do?”

Taehyung suddenly raises his hand in the air. “Wait a minute, if Y/N really likes Jungkook, why did she push him away like that?”

“Well, y’know,” Jimin rolls his eyes, “you didn’t exactly get her permission before you kissed her.”

Hoseok held his hand up, silencing Jimin and Taehyung. “She might have thought that you just did it out of guilt.” Hoseok says softly. “Or maybe a pity, just a mere responsibility.”

“What?” Jungkook looks at him weirdly.

Hoseok explains further, “You know like a novel, when you hit someone with a car, and he/she lost their ability to walk, so you just decide to be with them? Or remember when you spilled coffee on my report and you decided to write it yourself and also bought me a pair of sneakers?”

“But I didn’t do those things to her out of guilt.” He gulps. “I-I don’t hate her. I don’t even know why I did it.”

Jimin smiles again widely, his eyes turn into crescents. “Are you sure you don’t know? I know that deep down, you know it.”

“Just tell her sincerely then about what you don’t know.” Taehyung smiles and puts his hand on Jungkook’s head, ruffling his hair softly.

Jungkook sighs again. “She doesn’t want to see me.”

“If she really likes you, she’ll come around, Kook.” Hoseok smiles and hugs the younger man. “Now, go find her!”

Jungkook looks at him with widened eyes. “Like, now?”

“Of course, silly. The faster the better.” Jimin laughs. “Go!”

“I don’t know what to say to her, I don’t prepare anything.”

Taehyung looks at Jungkook in disbelief. “What do you want? A teleprompter? Just tell her your feelings, dumbass!”

Weirdly enough, Jungkook rises from his seat and takes off running, leaving his cubicle empty. “I thought you bet that Jungkook won’t end up with her, hyung?” Jimin teases.

Hoseok scratches the back of his neck and smiles. “The moment he told us what happened to him just showed who’s gonna win the bet. And besides, I just want him to be happy.”

Taehyung moves his chair back to his desk. “How about we change our bet to another topic then? We have plenty of subjects to bet about.”

You rack your brain, trying to find a place where you won’t meet Jungkook. And after mentally listing the places, you decided to hide in the infirmary. It’s unused and no one is gonna be there. So you can hide for a moment. Just like when you’re in high school, you fake a stomach ache, just so you can get some sleep or when you forgot to bring your math textbook.

Well, five minutes of sleep are considered a privilege then, as you hear the door opened.

You look from inside a curtain, trying to identify the man who just came in with a cart full of cleaning supplies. Cleaning service? The man quietly sweeps the floor skillfully, and you suddenly feel that you shouldn’t be there, as you’re just gonna disturb his job. Just as you open the curtain harshly, you tilt your head in confusion. “Jin?”

Jin looks at you in surprise, almost dropping the broom on his hand. “Y/N? What are you doing here?”

“Resting,” you say with an awkward smile. “What are you doing here? What’s with the broom and the gloves?”

Jin sighs and turns away from you, continuing to sweep the floor. “Cleaning.”

“Do you do this every day?” It’s just so weird for such an elite agent doing some cleaning in this place. Especially, since the Company also hires a cleaning service.

“No. Just every few days. Since it’s not used, it doesn’t get dirty that fast. I just clean this room when the cleaning service has their day off.” Jin answers lightly as he picks a towel to wipe the surface of the table.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my hobby,” Jin pauses and looks at the white wall. “or maybe I just hope that she’ll come back. You know right that she hates dust?” He laughs awkwardly. He clears his throat and looks at you warily. “Are-are you still in touch with her?”

“No.” You look at him quietly, somehow you can see his pain from his wide shoulder. It’s been a few years, but Jin is still hung up on her, still missing her. “Are you okay?” you ask cautiously.

Jin scoffs and walks away again, wiping the cabinet this time, “why? Do I look pathetic?”

You shake your head softly. “No. But you look broken-hearted.”

He turns his head to face you, looking into your eyes. “Well, so do you.”

Your jaw clenches, like how he hit your spot correctly. Tears threaten to fall down and you try to stop it by biting your lips. At the moment, you feel weaker and sad. You sigh and look at your feet. “What’s new?” you laugh dryly.

Jin puts away his supplies and removes his gloves as he walks to you, and plops on the bed beside you. “What happened?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I was just thinking that mayb-”

“Alright, I’m gonna stop you right there. You’re not thinking. It’s an assumption.”

You look at him in disbelief. “Wh-what?”

He sighs, “Whatever your problem was, and whoever he was, you’re overthinking this.”

“You don’t even know what the problem is.”

“I don’t. But I believe that you need to talk to him regardless of what the problem is, not talk to your mind, making assumptions. You know, the key to a healthy relationship is communication, and it applies to every relationship. Business, family, or even Love.” Jin sends you a smile. “Just talk to him. The misunderstanding won’t solve itself.”

You sigh again. “What if it doesn’t work? What if it’s not a misunderstanding but a mistake?”

“Then talk a little more. Apologize if you need to. Forgive if you still want to be with him.” Jin stops, and swallows slowly. His voice cracks. “Fight for it, if it is worth fighting for, until you can’t fight anymore. Until you don’t have any regrets.”

You look at him carefully. You’ve never talked to him ever since you worked in the Company, let alone seeing his eyes like this. But now, you can see how he’s deep in pain. And you understand what he talked about. His experience. The thoughts of what he should have done before. The choices he regrets now.

You hop from the bed and walk to the door. “Thank you. I’ll try.” As you walk closer to the door, you turn to face him again. “She must have a reason, Jin. I don’t know what it was, but she would never hurt you.”

“I know.” Jin answers quickly. He darts his eyes away from you so that he can hide his watering eyes, and smiles. “So does Jungkook.”

I know.

You walk out from the elevator, squeezing your body from the others inside. It’s lunch time already, and you’re lucky enough that you can slip into the crowded elevator.

Seventh floor is quiet, but not as deserted as the last time you went there. You look around you, hoping to see a particular person. The one you need to see. The one you miss.

You sigh, heart thumping inside your chest. You’re not gonna lie that you’re nervous, and that’s not because of the thought of seeing Jungkook again. It’s the thought, an assumption, of what he’s gonna say. You’re afraid of hearing his reason, afraid that it’ll break your heart even more.

A little part of you tells you that it’s better this way, and just move on. But you realize, playing hide and seek with him won’t solve any problem. It will just hurt you, or both of you. If you need to move on from him, at least there’s no loose ends. And Jungkook deserves a chance to explain everything to you, in person.

“Y/N?”

You turn your head to the man calling you and sigh disappointedly. “Oh, hey Yoongi.”

Yoongi laughs a little. “Why do you always bump into me when you’re looking for Jungkook?” Yoongi looks more professional since the last time you met him, maybe because he’s sober right now, or because he wears a neat suit instead of his black hoodie.

You smile, feeling embarrassed that you’ve been found out. “How do you know that I’m looking for him?”

He shrugs, “nah, I just feel that there’s something about you two that needs to be finished.”

“Oh. I see.” You divert your gaze from him, “So, where can I find him?”

“Unfortunately, I don’t know. I just came here.” He stretches his pale arms and continues, “y’know, overslept. Actually, maybe Jungkook is in the training room. He usually trains himself when he feels stressed about something.”

Your jaw clenches with the sudden information, forcing yourself to smile once more. “Thank you, I’ll get going then.”

You nod and walk again to the elevator, just the moment it arrives. When you’re inside the elevator, Yoongi yells to you, “He feels bad, Y/N---” You can only hear a snatch from him as the door closes, stopping you from hearing the full sentence.

I know.

You’ve been pacing the corridor for almost fifteen minutes, staring at the men’s locker room door. You perk your head to the door, every time it opens. And every time you do it, you’re left with another disappointment. Not to mention, all of the other male agents stare at a suspicious woman who’s lurking in front of a locker room.

Except one agent.

“Doctor Y/N?”

You’re leaning on the wall while massaging your calves. You squint in order to see the man approaching you better. “Kim Namjoon?”

Namjoon pauses in front of you, sending a warm smile. He’s drying his hair with the towel and his other hand holds a gym bag. “Yes, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself properly to you. Please just call me Namjoon.” He drops his bag to the ground clumsily, making some of his things flow out from the unzippered bag, reaching out his hand to shake yours. “I’m afraid that Jungkook is not here.”

Your eyes widen. “Ho-how do you know that I’m looking for him?”

He laughs and drops to one knee to gather his fallen things. “Just a little guess. A little bird told me that you’ve been working with him, so, yeah, I just thought that it might be a work thing.”

“Have you seen him anywhere then?” you sigh.

“I’m afraid not, Doc. I’ve been in the training room since dawn, haven’t seen him anywhere near here.” Namjoon smiles apologetically as he hangs his bag over his shoulder. “Have you checked the pool? He’s been wanting to practice diving since our last mission in Hawaii.”

You shake your head softly. “I haven’t, I’m gonna check there then. Thank you.”

“Anytime, Doc. You see, Jungkook is sometimes a little hard to talk to, looks distant, shy, and confused, maybe because he joined us at such an early age, but he is a nice guy.” Namjoon laughs again as he walks away from you, leaving you standing alone in the corridor.

I know.

Jungkook walks quickly to your office as soon as the elevator opens on your floor. He still doesn’t know what to say, but he just can’t let you escape him, avoid him again. He will use everything he’s got to at least explain a thing or two to you, and if the universe accedes, maybe he can tell you a little part of his feelings. Or maybe more.

Just one step at a time, Jungkook. You can do this.

It’s weird how he feels more nervous right now than when he goes to a mission. Usually he can just barge through any door without feeling any fear, but right now? He can feel how his heart almost bursts inside his chest. Is that because he doesn’t have his gun with him? Or is it because you are on the other side of the door?

He sighs. He doesn’t know anymore.

Maybe it is because he doesn’t know anything that is going to happen when he opens the door. Maybe it is because his brain can’t work for another plan B if his original plan fails. Maybe it is because it is a do or die for him, sounds a little extreme, but actually this is maybe the last chance for him to let his feelings take control of him.

Mustering all of his courage, he knocks the door and opens it slowly. “Excuse me?”

A chair suddenly rolls from the desk. “Hey JK. What’re you doin’ here?” Sehun asks and looks at him quizzically. “Is there something wrong with the report?”

Jungkook shakes his head rapidly. “That’s not why I’m here.” He swallows dryly. “I’m looking for Y/N..”

“Y/N?” Sehun raises one of his eyebrows. “Funny you asked that. The fact is I haven’t seen her anywhere since I went to your office.”

“Really? Okay then, I’ll just search for her somewhere else.” Jungkook nods politely and walks to the door.

“Why don’t you just call her?” Sehun asks loudly.

Jungkook looks at him, and gives him a weak smile. Sehun doesn’t need to know that you’ve been avoiding Jungkook’s calls, right? “Thank you, I’ll try.”

After he closes the door, Jungkook walks to the stairwell next to him. With a sigh he sits on one of the stairs. He pulls his phone from his pocket, looking at it like it’s a foreign thing to him. His finger scrolls to the contacts and looks for your name.

There’s no specific thing to describe your name in his contact. And by specific, it means you aren’t saved in his contacts. The only thing that describes you is your phone number, which he memorizes already because of how much time he spent looking at it and how many times he tried to call you in the past few days.

He looks again in his contacts. It’s less than a dozen. The only contacts in his phone are his parents, his brother, and his best friends. That’s it.

He remembers when he received your message for the first time, he almost accidentally deleted it because he received it at the same time he received another spam message. Only God knows what would happen if he deleted it for real. Would you still get hurt? Would you still want to tease him? Would it still be the same?

Or would he still have this growing feeling inside him?

He sighs and then inputs your phone number, but before he dials it, he chooses another option.

Add to new contact.

Name: Y/N

Save?

Saved

Jungkook looks at his newly added contact and finally dials your number, hoping that you would accept it this time. Hoping that somehow his sincere feelings felt through the rings on your phone. Hoping that he can say the right things this time.

And after the seventh rings, the call went through.

Jungkook can finally hear your voice. “Hello, Y/N?” There’s a silence on the other end of the phone for a little while. It begins to make him more nervous. “Y/N?”

“Jungkook?” but it’s not your voice. It’s a familiar voice for him that he hears a lot.

Jungkook looks at the screen, makes sure he got the correct phone number. He furrows his eyebrow, confused at why you didn’t answer your own phone. “Jin-Hyung?”

“Right.” Jin laughs. “Y/N left her phone in the infirmary. She just went out to look for you.”

“Oh.” Jungkook sighs in relief. “Wh-what? She’s looking for me?”

“Yes, kid. God, I don’t know what your problem is to make both of you playing hide and seek in the middle of the day, but yes, she’s looking for you right now. But I don’t really know where she went.”

A little smile plastered on Jungkook’s face, somehow he feels a little happy that you finally decided to give him a chance to explain himself. And with only that fact, he won’t lose this chance. “Thanks Hyung! Talk to you later!”

“Yah-”

Jungkook hangs his phone up, and stands up immediately. But if he just walks around and looks for you in this big building, it is just a waste of time. There’s a fat chance that he won’t meet you at all, and in this crucial time for him, he can’t rely on fate alone.

So, he taps his phone again, scrolling to find a chatting platform that he rarely uses, and looks for a group chat with his best friends, typing quickly and hits the send button. This time he’s gonna rely on his friends.

Jungkook 00.23 PM: Have you seen Y/N?

You open the heavy door to the pool area with an afraid look on your face. What if Jungkook suddenly appears before you? What would you do? What would you say? What if he doesn’t want to see you?

But luckily (or unlucky for you), there’s no one in the pool. Everyone must be taking their lunch time, leaving this place completely empty.

You sigh and walk around, deciding to look at this place a little more. Maybe, just maybe, Jungkook will suddenly pop out of nowhere, hugging you from behind like some of the rom-com movies that you usually watched in your teen years.

A sudden loud bang of a door opening filled the place, making you turn your head abruptly, hoping that the universe finally sends some signals to you. But instead, you just see a man pushing a cleaning supplies cart. You are disappointed.

Why do you even feel disappointed? There’s only a little chance for Jungkook to just walk through the door. You laugh to yourself and shake your head. Maybe I should just call him.

You pat your pants to locate your phone, and a little panic goes through you as you can’t find your phone. Where is it? Did I drop it? You try to remember when the last time you used your phone. You usually don’t behave like this; for you, your phone is one of your most important things. You never walk without a phone as you have everything you need in that mini gadget. Maybe this Jungkook thing is really bothering me.

You turn and walk to the door hurriedly, you need to find your phone back and also Jungkook. You can’t just wait mindlessly in here. Just when your hand reaches the door knob, you sense the cleaning man walking to you.

“Are you Doctor Y/N?”

You look at the man, sending him a polite nod. “Ah yes. Don’t worry, I won’t disturb your job here, I’m going now.” The man looks like he is in his early 30s. You can’t really see his face, since it’s hidden with his blue baseball cap. He wears a blue jumpsuit, a usual uniform for the cleaning service. But why does it look like it’s too big for him?

The man smiles back. “Oh my. That’s fine. Actually I have a package for you.” The man rummages through his cart, searching for something. “From a man, named Jungkook, I think? He’s been searching for you.”

“Jungkook?” ears perk in curiosity.

He smiles again, almost a grin. “Yes.” the man laughs at himself as he pulls a black metal thing from the cart and points it to you. “He’s been searching for you.”

You look at him with widened eyes. A gun. “Wh-what are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing, sweetie?” the man laughs maniacally, the sounds send shivers to your spine, making you step back unconsciously, your back hitting the door. You move your hand behind your back, trying to locate the door knob. “Uh-uh. Do not move. I don’t want to shoot your pretty face.”

Your heart races in fear., “Wh-what do you want from me?”

“The autopsy report, where is it?”

Your jaw drops as your mind wanders to the incident last Sunday, the one that probably will leave some scars on your hands. “Were you the one who trashed my office?”

“That’s right.” The man steps a little closer and pushes the gun closer to your face. “The report. Where do you keep it?”

“I-I don’t know. I don’t have it.” Tears start threatening to fall from your eyes when the man seems unsatisfied with your answer and pulls your hair harshly. “I-I gave it up.”

He pulls your hair again until you meet his eyes. “Don’t fucking lie to me. Or do you want me to start shooting everyone who comes into this room?” He laughs again. “You’re waiting for someone right? What if he suddenly pops in right now, and my hand just slips?”

You widen your eyes and you can see his eyes, and they don’t show that he’s lying. You can see how crazy he is. “I-I think it’s on the seventh floor..”

Just after he hears your answer, he releases your hair. With a sudden lack of grip, your feet give up, making you slump on the ground. “Good choice. Now stand up. We’re going to the seventh floor.”

“Bu-but I just told you. You should let me go.”

He scoffs. “And how would I know if you’re just lying to me? Stand up!” He grips your elbow harshly, forcing you to stand in front of him. You can feel his cold gun on your back, pushing to walk forward. “Don’t do anything funny, or I might shoot others. I only want this to be just the two of us.”

Your lips tremble and your throat goes dry. You wipe your tears and take a deep breath, trying to find your courage and strength to walk. You open the door with a heavy heart, wishing silently that you won’t meet anyone in the corridor and on your way up to the seventh floor.

You walk slowly to the elevator, with the man following behind you with his cart. Whispering right there to remind you that he has a gun. Your stomach twists. You want to run away. Your hands turn into fists, sending a light pain from the still-recovering wounds. Luckily, the pain happens to keep your mind intact, make you stay sane. But still, you can’t think of anything that you can do to save yourself.

Sure, you worked for months in an agent secret service. But that doesn’t mean you can do martial arts or guns. You didn’t receive any of that training. So even in this high-security building, you’re just an ordinary woman. An unlucky one.

Wait. High-security building?

You look left and right cautiously to find CCTV cameras above you, maybe someone will see this?

The man behind you laughs again. “You think I’d sneak here with no preparation? No one in the security room is going to watch this. I’ve taken care of them.”

You choke, your heart quickens. “You.. you. Wha-what? What did you do to them?”

“There’s no need for you to know, sweetie.” He laughs again. ”It’s just gonna make you feel bad.”

You bite your lips, trying your hardest to hold your tears. This man is sick. And just then, the elevator’s door opens.

You swallow dryly and walk inside the elevator. Sighing in relief again because there’s no one inside. You reach your hand shakily, trying to push the seven button on the elevator, but just as the door closes, a hand sneaks in and it opens again.

Your eyes widen with the sight of the man, panting before you. “Jungkook?” Why are you here?

Jungkook still holds open the door with his one hand as he controls his breaths. “We.. We need to talk.”

You steal a glance at the man behind you, who acts like wiping the interior of the elevator. Your hands turn clammy. Maybe Jungkook can help you. Maybe Jungkook can save you. If this is the chance that the universe sends to you, you should take it, right? It is a perfect opportunity for you to lose the man behind you.

But, what if he shoots someone? Or worse, what if he shoots Jungkook?

You take a deep breath, your eyes looking at your feet, afraid of looking at Jungkook’s face. “The-there’s nothing for us to talk about,” you say coldly, pushing his hand away from the door and pushes the close button.

But this time, Jungkook is persistent. He doesn’t want to let you slip away from him. Again. “No.” He reaches out his hand again to block the door from closing. “We have to talk. You need to hear my explanation, at least.”

“I don’t want to!!” You push him away again, this time on his body, until he steps backward from the elevator. You don’t even realize how your hands tremble against his hard chest, how tears fall on your face like a waterfall. “Please... Just leave me alone…”

You step back inside the elevator, pushing the close door button again. But this time, Jungkook lets you.

If this is the last time I can see him….

You lift your head up to take a glance of his face from the closing door. You can’t see him clearly as your eyes filled with tears, and just like that. You sob on the ground of the elevator after the door closes, clenching your chest to tone down the tightening pain you feel.

“Well-well. Such a good girl.” The man behind you claps his hand. “Don’t worry, he’ll forgive you after he knows what happened with you and what you did for him.” He reaches to touch your cheek, which makes you flinch.

“You’re just a sick bastard,” you hiss, glaring to him.

He chuckles at your response and hits your face with his gun. He grabs your chin in his hand tightly, forcing you to see his eyes. “You’re really testing my patience, aren’t you?”

You’re shaking in his hands, a throbbing pain on your forehead also makes it worse. He releases your chin harshly and forces you to stand up as the car approaches the seventh floor. He pushes his gun again harshly on your side, with his other hand holding you close to him. You can feel his nasty breath on your neck.

I’m so going to die.

As the door opens and you walk through, that thought keeps lingering on your mind and it’s growing bigger with each step you take, and you can’t seem to shake it off. You can’t do anything right now, the only thing you can do is cry in silence, hope that at least it can ease your mind for a bit. But it doesn’t.

Why?

Because you don’t fucking know where the report is, exactly.

Jungkook remains speechless, his hands trying to reach for your hands but they escape him, leaving him grabbing the empty air. He only sees you walk back inside the elevator and he’s sure that he sees your tears when your eyes meet him.

He doesn’t understand you at all. Why then did Jin tell him that you want to see him? And why now you don’t want to? His hands turn into fists. He bites his lips harshly in desperation. Where are you going anyway?

No, he can’t just stay here. He needs to chase you. He needs to talk to you. He can’t let you again. He reaches his hand to push the elevator button but he stops midway.

Wait, why is there a cleaning service today?

He furrows his eyebrow, deep in thoughts, trying to remember any details of the cleaning service he saw earlier. He only looks at the cleaning service for a bit, he knows that it is a man, but Jungkook can’t really see his face since he faced the wall. He remembers the man turned his face when the door was closing, and Jungkook can see a bit of his face under the baseball cap. And suddenly his face turns white. He curses quietly and runs to the stairwell, not bothering to take the elevator anymore.

Jungkook grabs his phone from his pocket and scrolls to find Jin’s contact as he runs multiple steps at once. This might be dangerous and he needs his other agents, if what he’s thinking is true. If what he’s been afraid of come into reality.

“Hey, Jungkook-ah. Wha-”

“I saw Baekhyun, hyung. He was in the elevator with Y/N. I think they went to the seventh floor.” He says it quickly, interrupting Jin. Jungkook silently hopes that Jin can hear it perfectly as it is muffled with his pants and breaths.

Jin’s breath hitches on the other side of the phone. “What? Are you sure?”

“I’m not sure, I just saw him at a glance. I’m heading up right now. Tell the others!”

“Alright! Be careful!” Jin says and ends the phone call.

Jungkook puts his phone in his pocket and runs again. He runs, and runs, and runs, ignoring the fact that his lungs start burning in his chest.

Please be okay.

Like a spell, he repeats it over and over again. Like a prayer, he repeats it sincerely in his heart over and over again. Like a song, it is played in his mind over and over again.

I’m not going to let him hurt her again.

Like a vow, he says with all of his life.

He’s going to protect the woman he loves.

The silence in the seventh floor sends an eerie feeling to you, making your heart racing faster. Only God knows where the hell is the others when you need them. You feel the cold gun on your side, pushing harshly against your body. It is one of the things that makes you aware of what you’re doing right now, besides a throbbing pain on your head.

Baekhyun pushes you forward again. “So, where is it?”

You freeze on the spot, your hands getting clammy. You swallow dryly. “I-I’m not sure…”

“You what?” His eyes widen in anger and he shoves your body into a wall, sending a blunt pain to your back. “You dare to lie to me?” His hands somehow move to your neck, strangling it tightly.

You’re struggling to break free from his grip, kicking right and there, using all of your strength to push his hands away. Your chest is burning due to the lack of oxygen. Tears fall from your eyes. You feel weaker the more strongly you fight back and your eyes get blurry. Your consciousness fades along with the slowing of your heart beat.

And suddenly, Baekhyun releases you as he stumbles. You drop to the ground as you struggle to breath as much as you can. You open your eyes slowly, trying to see what’s he doing and there you see he is pushed to the ground by a familiar man.

Jungkook.

Jungkook hits Baekhyun as hard as he can. Baekhyun is perplexed for a second but after he processes what’s happening he starts to fight back. Baekhyun kicks Jungkook in the stomach. The situation turns around as Jungkook is pushed under him. The sound of the fight blares in your ears, trying to wake you up. You wince in pain as you gather all of your strength to stand up. You need to find help.

“Run!” Jungkook yells as he holds Baekhyun’s body tightly.

Baekhyun snarls, using his elbow to hit Jungkook’s nose, pushing him away. Your hands shake as Baekhyun suddenly changes his view to you and charges you, not giving you a chance to run away. Baekhyun pulls his gun from his pocket and points it to you. Your feet freeze as your eyes meet Baekhyun’s. “Bitch.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen at the sight before him and curses himself. He can’t believe that Baekhyun has a gun with him and through his laxity, Jungkook didn’t strip it. Jungkook groans and stands quickly to run to you. Please be okay.

Just as Baekhyun pulls the trigger, Jungkook jumps in front of you. The bullets pierce his right chest and his stomach. His body falls to the ground because of the impact. The blood starts seeping from his body.

Your jaw drops. You’re familiar with the smell of blood. You’re familiar also with the smell of the gunpowder. And when both of them are somehow incorporated in the air, it gives you a brand new smell that’s sickening.

The tears still fall from your eyes as you flop beside Jungkook, hesitantly touching him. Just less than an hour ago, you were dreaming about meeting him in a romantic way, but now this is only tragic. sharp pain clutches your chest, making it hard for you to breathe again. Your thoughts are only filled with Jungkook but you can’t do anything.

But Jungkook is strong, maybe one of the strongest agents in the Company. So Jungkook sits up and moves you behind him, covering you perfectly.

“Kook…” you whisper in between sobs.

Jungkook keeps you behind him with his arms slightly trembling, gently soothing your skin. “I’m okay. Just stay behind me.” Even the slightest movement of his arms makes his chest hurt even more, but Jungkook hides it in his smile. The only thing in his head is how to make you get out of here safely, and he doesn’t care about the pain. Not when you are his priority.

Jungkook slowly lets go of his hands and stands up. You see how the blood spots are getting bigger and bigger, how it affects his posture as he loses his balance lightly. And after a few deep breaths, he puts on a stance, looking at Baekhyun with furious eyes.

Baekhyun snorts. “You think you can fight me bare-handed?” He still points his gun toward the both of you.

Without answering, Jungkook leaps forward to attack Baekhyun. It leaves Baekhyun caught off guard as he begins to fire the gun carelessly. Still, it grazes Jungkook’s body as he moves closer to him.

Not only that Jungkook is one of the strongest agents in the company, he has a killer kick. It’s the one that made the Company recruit him in the first place. He rarely uses it in his fights because he rarely has a chance to have hand-to-hand combat, and even if he had a chance, he doesn’t need to use it. And if Jungkook decides to use his best skills in this fight, there’s no way for Baekhyun to win. Jungkook begins to kick him again in his stomach and tries to target his hand.

And Baekhyun knows it too. So Jungkook begins to kick him again in his stomach and tries to target his hand. While Baekhyun stumbles, he fires his last bullet.

To your direction.

It’s too late for Jungkook to realize it, to jump again in front of you. As the bullet hits your shoulder, the new pain makes you fall back from the impact. Jungkook curses and turns his body to kick Baekhyun’s hand, sending the gun flying far from them and holding his hand to throw his body, locking him in between his legs, in a way that Baekhyun can’t move.

The doors and elevator open almost at the same time, and the agents barge in to arrest Baekhyun. Finally.

“Y/N!” Hoseok runs to you and shakes your shoulders. “Are you okay?” He helps you slowly sit up, carefully not to touch your wounds.

It’s over now… You sigh in relief, but your eyes turn panic when you see Jungkook’s shirt almost turn to pinkish, a mix of his blood and his sweat. “Kook…” and just as his name falls on your lips, Jungkook stumbles and drops to the ground.

Jimin and Taehyung move quickly to Jungkook to check on him. They look panicky as they move Jungkook’s body to a gurney with the help of paramedics. ”I’m going with him to the hospital.” Jimin says to Hoseok.

Hoseok nods and turns his face to you, his eyes falling on your bloodied shoulder. “Let’s get you to the hospital too.” He holds your elbow softly, helping you stand.

And just like that, everything turns black.

You open your eyes slowly. The harsh lights blind you and you blink as you adjust to it. You are met by the white ceiling above and white curtains all around you. The familiar smell of disinfectant steals into your nose, waking you up even more. You try to move your arms, to help you sit up, but there’s a shooting pain to your right shoulder. “Argh.”

“Yah. Y/N, you can’t move that carelessly!” Jimin yells as he puts his hand behind your back to help you.

You shake your head softly. “I’m okay. Where’s Jungkook?”

“He’s in his room. The surgery went well. Don’t worry.” Jimin says reassuringly and pushes your shoulder lightly to make you stay in the bed.

But you refuse, swinging your legs slowly over the edge of your bed. “I want to see him..” You use your left hand to hold the IV poll. But as your feet land on the floor, your body stumbles. Luckily, Jimin was holding you from falling. “I’m okay, I’m okay…”

Jimin looks at you with worry in his eyes. He holds your elbow tightly. “Y/N, you don’t look so well. Just rest for a bit.”

You shake your head again, tears threatening to fall again. “Please… let me see him just for a bit…”

He sighs. He knows how stubborn you are, and you won’t back down. “Fine. Hold on to me, okay? Tell me if you have any pain.”

Luckily, Jungkook’s room is just a few rooms from yours. Just when you are about to open his door, you hear voices yelling inside.

“Yah! You can’t move!”

“Jungkook-ah! Are you crazy?”

“She’s fine! Just stay in the bed!”

Your eyes widen in panic. You let go of Jimin’s arms and rush forward inside Jungkook’s room. The only thing in your mind is Jungkook, and Jungkook only. You want to make sure he’s okay. You want to see him again.

And your eyes meet his.

The other agents hold him tightly as he tries to walk to the door. He looks pale and pained, there’s bruises in his body. You see the bandages sneaking out from his gown. And it just makes your heart break and relieved at the same time. “Kook?”

His doe eyes look you from head to toe, blinking his teary eyes to see you clearer. “Y/N?”

His voice.

Your favorite one.

The only thing that gives you strength to step forward. The only thing that can make you run. The only thing that can make your heart leap.

And just like that you run to him, run to his embrace, rushing forward clumsily while dragging the IV poll.

Jungkook holds you tightly to his chest, not even caring if you jostle his wounds. He doesn’t even care if he feels the pain, in fact, he is glad he can feel it. So that he knows that this is real. That you are wrapped in his arms, still living and breathing before him.

Jungkook lets your scent and warmth envelop his body and he can feel the relief straight into his heart. He takes your face in his hands, looking at it carefully. He gulps a little when he spots a little wound on your forehead and bruises on your neck. “Are-are you okay?”

You sniff and let your tears fall from your eyes as you nod weakly. “Are you okay? Let’s get you back to your bed.”

“I’m okay,” he giggles but lets you hold him and take him back to the bed. And when you stumble again because of his weight, the other agents hop in to help both of you. Jin and Taehyung hold Jungkook and walk him to his bed while Jimin helps you.

Hoseok smiles at you as he drags a chair next to the bed, “We’re gonna let you talk for a bit, okay? Don’t talk too long, you both need to rest.” He pushes the other agents outside, giving you and Jungkook privacy.

It’s silent again.

But it’s comforting. And you kinda miss it.

It’s funny how just with the presence of Jungkook can stir your heart completely. Just by the presence of him, he can turn your mood around.

You bite your lips and fiddle with your gown. “Thank you for saving me. It must have hurt a lot.”

Jungkook smiles and reaches your face to wipe your tears away. “I’m sorry I didn’t come faster. You must have been frightened.”

And there it breaks you. Jungkook is the one who hurt the most, and yet he is the one who feels sorry. He is in pain, but he still thinks of you. What can you do to deserve to be with this nice man? No, you don’t deserve it all. And it just aches your heart even more. “What are you talking about….” you sob and turn away from him as you try your hard to stop the tears falling from your eyes.

Jungkook reaches your hand softly. “Please don’t turn away from me.. Please?” His other hand moves to pat your head lovingly. “Can we please have that talk now?”

You pout. “No. You need to rest. We can talk about it anytime after you get better.”

“I don’t want to. I have to tell you right now.” He takes a deep sigh. “I’ll go crazy if I keep this any longer.”

“But…”

“I’m sorry for what I did to you in your apartment. I was drunk and made stupid mistakes. I’m sorry.”

You nod quickly. “Yes, I know and I’ve forgiven you. Now, you should have some rest…”

“I didn’t know why I did it, but just so you know, I’ve always wanted to kiss you. I think I felt too rushed, but I didn’t do it just to tease you or make fun of your feelings. It’s jus-”

“Wait, what?” You look at him puzzled and raise one of your eyebrows. “You-you wanted to kiss me?”

He tilts his head at your response. “Yeah?”

“But, why?”

He takes a close look at your face, and swallows dryly. “Because I like you, Y/N.”

There is a pregnant silence as you blink your eyes, processing the sudden bomb of information. “Huh?” You scratch the back of your head confusedly. “You like me? Since when?”

He blushes as he smiles. “I don’t know. It just happened, I guess… Wait, you didn’t know?”

“Duh, this is an expression of a person who knew about it,” you say sarcastically as you point to your face.

Jungkook’s jaw drops. “I really thought I made myself really clear. Even the others knew about it!” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Anyway, I just felt so rushed because you’re gonna leave soon and I thought I’m gonna lose my chance. Also it might be because these feelings are little new for me, so I was a little confused. But I-”

“But I’m still with this Company for another 4 months…”

It’s his turn to process the information and then his face turns red as he lets go of your hand. “I thought… I’m just… hmmm. I’m gonna take my confession back then…”

“No! I won’t let you take it back.” You reach for his hand, holding it tightly. You look at him with a determination in your eyes and smile widely from ear to ear. “Thank you, I’m happy to hear it.”

Jungkook replies with a smile too as he sighs in relief. “But still, I have to say it again properly someday.”

You giggle as you squeeze his hand. “Sure, let’s take this slowly. We have a lot of time.”

You both hold each others’ hands with smiles on your faces. No word exchanged, as you both know how happy you are. How relieved you are to finally hold his warm hand again. How excited you are to guess what will happen to both of you. How ecstatic you are as you feel your heart races inside your chest.

The air freshener sprays in the corner of the room, breaking the silence between both of you. The scent of vanilla disperses in the air. Filling the room with nothing but sweet scent. Usually, you always stay away from the sweet type of smell and stick with anything musky, floral, or maybe just natural ones. But now, this specific type of smell becomes your favorite one. The sweetest scent to remind you about him. The sweetest scent that you can have everyday without feeling sick.

Jungkook coughs awkwardly, “I know, you said to take this slowly. But I just can’t help it…” He looks at you with pinkish cheeks as he squeezes your hand. “Can-can I kiss you?”

You reply with nothing but a smile and nod. You lean in a little so he can be closer to you just for a little bit. And just like that, he takes your face in his hands slowly and connects his lips with yours.

And you can feel it, how your hearts are connecting too.

Go check the other series because *sst... It’s all connected!

Series Masterlist: The Company

Taglist: @kb-bangtanenthusiast @w0lfqu33n @gee-nee @jaienn @nctssidehoe @codeinebelle @kali-20 @mygalaxysupernova @jeoncookie-bts @kookunot @1-in-abillion @beingbeings @enchantingbrowneyedgirl @yiyi4657 @jinsalpaca @giadalin @spring2787 @drmrastraea @katbonv @fluffyjoons @baebyjoonie

Taglist open!

224 notes · View notes

charmspoint · 2 years

Note

5, 9, 16, 21!

5) Do you like one shots or multi-chapters?

I heavily prefer multi chapters in both writing and reading. Writing cuz the pacing just suits me better and it feels like it gives me a lot more room to steadily explore what I want too explore. This goes for double cuz i usually tend to deal with psychological themes and it takes good time to properly unravel things like that. I also prefer reading multi chapters because I need that segmentation of story in my head. Like, i've been procrastinating reading some very fandom popular works because they have huge wordcounts all condensed into one chapter and that just looks exhausting to me, I think my upper reading limit is like 10k per chapter n even thats really pushing it. Also I comment on all the stories i read as a rule and that also helps me compartmentalize the information i received by bringing it up in the comment so when i dont get that chance i just end up forgetting like 70% of the fic by the time i get to the comment box. This is why if i'm gonna read a really long one shot i just tend to write comment notes on my phone or in word so i can properly bring up everything i want to mention.

9) Do you visualize scenes in your head before you write them? (Can you picture the setting, character body language etc)

Yeah! I usually do this while walking around and listening to music, I tend to imagine a lot of action scenes and like key emotional moments like this. But also if I'm not listening to music I'm in brain type writer mode and just sorta tell myself the scene as i walk and then takes notes on my phone for things i particularly like. So i imagine them both as actual images and as words.

16) Do you have a method for getting characters to sound/feel in character?

:) I do not and this is one of my biggest worries hgvgh i feel like every character i write just sounds more or less like me jbjh but Ker said I'm fine and here and there people praise my characterization so i figure its probably passable uwu.

21) Writers choice - pick any of these questions that you want to answer.

Lets seeeee I'm gonna pick 7) How do you edit your fics? What do you look for in your edits? cuz ive been doing the gang au prequel edit so its on my mind

So editing for me varies a lot, like some fics ill just do a quick edit and throw them out, some ill go full sicko mode (gang au) but here is the most complex it can get (again, gang au)

So I finish writing

Stage 1. First Lucy edit additional info edition - in this edit i expand scenes i think ended up too rushed and add in new scenes in places where it seems they could be of use, obviously this is optional if i think what i write is fine as it is

Stage 2. First Lucy edit actual editing edition - here I do the actual editing aka i go through the document and correct mistakes or awkward phrasing or what grammar i can pick out (not the best at that part). I pay attention to how things sound and flow and also to common mistakes Ker pointed out i make. One of mine is that i tend to get stuck on one word and repeat it thorough the chapter a lot so i try to pay attention to that (tho in the last thing ker edited they said i didnt repeat a word but i did repeat a structure so....progress?)

Stage 3. Ker edit! - I hand the doc over to Ker. Their job is primarily grammar and wording since those are my weak points but i also usually give them free hands to note on anything that seems off and ask for extra stuff depending on what im doing. Ex. Since Gang au prequel is a one shot that's being split into chapters i asked them to keep an eye on pacing and the way i segmented the fic aka if they think a chapter should end early or go on longer and be connected with another chapter and so on. I will use this opportunity to once again say that Ker is the best beta and i love them so much and they do such amazing work and they honestly helped me improve and learn a whole lot i love you Ker <3<3<3<3

Stage 4. Post Ker edit - Here is where i go through the document and fix up all the stuff Ker marked. I usually do grammar first and then go down the document fixing the 'reword this' or 'expand on this' type corrections

Stage 5. Final reread - this either happens immediately after stage 4 or some time after depending on how i'm posting but basically this is just me reading through the story again with a bit of a fresher perspective, making sure all the edits work well together and catching any overlooked mistakes

Then the story is ready to post!

ask game

#lucy blabs #ask game #answered #yuki mxivo #obvs not all stories go through all of these cuz sometimes i dont feel like i need to do stage 1 and i dont run every story through Ker cuz #im afraid Ker would die but thats like the most extensive structur

3 notes · View notes

yourdeepestfathoms · 4 years

Text

we poured mud through their veins (part one)

the first installment of an au i am in love with

in which a new member joins the Deetz-Maitland family!

-------------------------------

The sky was the color of the ocean- dark, wild, and swallowing everything in its wake. The only thing that could possibly rival its impenetrable wall of thick black-blue were the occasional cracks of blazing lightning that split the roiling clouds like a hot knife. The storm would be cut in half at the flash of its searing glory, then sewed itself back together like a monstrous, watery wound. The wind was so fierce that it seemed to be sent by an enraged being (in which Delia would helpfully say it was “God” or “angels playing bowling”) to punish Winter River for some unruly sin. Water rushed down the streets like baby rivers, threatening to drag anything and anyone in its way down the asphalt with it. Raindrops battered windows and walls and doors, knocking so viciously like an unwanted guest.

An unwanted guest. That was what this damn storm was. And Lydia was at her wit’s end with this elemental stranger.

Her computer crashed for the third time and she finally slammed the lid close, letting out a miserable groan that was soon challenged by a deep rumble of thunder. She cringed, curling her shoulders in, and then sighed.

“Fuck this storm,” She growled.

“Language,” Barbara said from the kitchen.

“Sorry,” Lydia muttered. “Screw this storm.”

Barbara chuckled lovingly. “Better.” She peered over at the closed laptop. “Everything okay?”

“It keeps crashing,” Lydia said miserably. “And I’m finally not procrastinating on doing my essay!”

“You had an essay due?” Adam looked at Lydia sharply, yanking his head out from the spice cabinet.

Lydia smiled innocently. “Maaaybe,” She said. She noticed the stern expression on Adam’s face. “Hey, I’m doing it! So don’t worry!”

“Hmm,” Adam squinted at her suspiciously. “Seems like you planned this.”

“What? Me? Never!” Lydia said.

Barbara laughed again and then turned back to the pot she was stirring. “What’s your essay on?”

“Well, my English class needed to write something that had to do with society or the ecosystem,” Lydia explained. “So I chose to do mine on why the eighth amendment should be abolished!”

Barbara and Adam blinked at her proud expression.

“Reason?” Adam asked.

“If we don’t have the eighth amendment, then we can torture rapists,” Lydia said confidently.

Barbara and Adam then nodded in agreement.

It had been nine months since the whole incident with the ghosts, and it was honestly some of the best months of Lydia’s entire life. Not only did the Maitlands officially become part of the family, but Beetlejuice stuck around, too, becoming Lydia’s chaotic best friend and older brother figure, at least after being properly “housebroken” as her father would describe it. Waking up each morning always greeted her with new mayhem from one of the otherworldly tenants and more things she could learn about them. It was incredible.

They were a family.

“It’s really coming down out there.”

Lydia looked over her shoulder to see Delia standing at the back door, sipping a steaming cup of her weird herbal tea (which tasted disgusting, by the way).

“It’s what you would call ‘Noah’s Arc’,” Barbara said knowingly. Except her ‘knowledgeable’ comment got a weird look from Lydia and a laugh from Adam and Delia.

“Noah’s Arc was the, well, arc, honey,” Adam said. “Not the storm. But nice try.”

“It’s so foggy,” Delia commented. “The river may flood at this rate.”

Foggy.

Fog.

That word always sparked a memory in Lydia’s mind.

The Netherworld.

Lydia remembered the Netherworld clearly.

The air there had been wet and heavy, like she was breathing in a thick fog that stuck to her throat like tar. There was a certain sticky humidity in that dark place, pressing down on her in heavy waves, as if the very atmosphere itself was trying to crush her skull, punishing her for even plucking up the courage to step foot in the place where the Living didn’t belong. It was cold, yet uncomfortably warm at the same time, with no wind blowing to ease the mild heat that had settled its oppressive, sultry murk over the Dead’s civilization. It spilled into every street, every alleyway, every house that dared to open the window, thinking that it would help with the clamminess that fogged their home, but to no avail.

This, of course, had brought upon complete and utter dreariness that coated every Dead making their rounds through their daily lives. And, in reaction to her presence, the gloom tried to wrap its dark protections of the underworld around her in layers that pressed deeply into her skin, trying to become a part of her. It adorned her until she was nearly suffocated in the thick, moist air.

She did not belong there.

The Netherworld had been filled with enough freaks to make a whole circus- a suicidal beauty pageant queen with slashed open wrists, a failed skydiver in a shredded jumpsuit, a lady swathed in a smoldering towel and had hair crackling hair that hugged a toaster to her chest, a charred man who breathed smoke like a great fire dragon, a very confused football player, a man with a huge cleaver lodged in his skull as a sign of his infidelity, a gravely-injured jockey that spit blood when she talked, some kind of hunter with a shrunken head, and a very excitable victim of explosion, among many more that Lydia hadn’t seen. Not that she was surprised at the amount of strange characters in the underworld.

Aside from the beauty pageant queen, the jockey was the Dead that Lydia got to know the most. Even for the short amount of time she was down in the Netherworld , the jockey seemed to grow attached to her, talking to her animatedly as if they had been friends for years and hanging onto her arm like a baby koala would to its mother. She learned that her name was Presley.

And Lydia had to leave Presley behind.

It wasn’t because she wanted to- she had to! Presley said it herself: the living didn’t belong in the Netherworld. But still, it kinda hurt to leave her new friend behind.

But she got over it. And she moved on. And she got a new family that made her completely forget about the undead horse rider.

Lydia’s memories were then interrupted by a terrible crash of thunder that seemed to rip the entire town in half. The sound rang in all of their ears, even causing Lydia to snap her hands up to cover her own, much to her embarrassment, and making Adam phase straight into the drywall of the kitchen in reaction to the shock, and the sonic boom that followed rocked the house from side-to-side.

As the rumble faded and the lights overhead flickered, there was a heavy thud from upstairs.

From Lydia’s room.

Lydia groaned. “That’ll probably be Beej,” She said. “Messing with my stuff. Again. Probably thought the thunder could cover up the sound of him setting some kind of prank.” She turned her head to yell up the staircase as she stood up. “But not this time!”

She heard Barbara, Adam, and Delia laugh as she walked upstairs.

As quietly as possible, Lydia snuck up the stairs and to her bedroom. Inside, she could hear shuffling and a muttering voice.

Someone was in there.

Wanting to scare Beetlejuice for trying to prank her again, she grasped the doorknob, slowly pushed open the door, and peeked in at the demon in her bedroom.

The light from the lamp that she had left on fed into his white and red suit, soaking into the filthy fabric. He kept looking this way and that, the helmet he was wearing shifting against his head, and-- that was not Beetlejuice.

But Lydia did know this person.

White-and-red checkered shirt, white pants, gloves, black riding boots, a helmet with a crack straight down the middle, a crop holstered to narrow hips, old blood and hoofprints all over…

“Presley?!” Lydia yelped out loud, then quickly shut her mouth. She stepped fully into her room and closed the door behind her. A moment later, the undead jockey was in her arms, clinging to her in a way that felt more like how a drowning woman to cling to the side of a boat than a normal hug between reuniting friends.

Except she didn’t feel undead. She felt warm, solid, real…living.

She was living.

But…that shouldn’t have been possible.

“Presley…” Lydia said slowly. “How are you here?”

Presley looked up at her, the rim of her helmet sliding into her eyes slightly, then glanced all around. When she turned her head back up to Lydia, she seemed equally as confused. There was a stream of dried blood trickling down between her eyes and on one side of her nose. There was another scoring her right temple.

“I don’t-- I don’t know,” Presley whispered, and her voice was hoarse and weak. She then sucked in a sharp breath and coughed. Lydia realized this must have been the first time she had breathed in a long while.

“Well, that’s…confusing…” Lydia said. She batted Presley backwards so she would be away from the door. Presley clung onto her arm with one hand like it was her lifeline. “I thought you were dead? Like, really dead?”

“Yeah…” Presley shifted. “I would know.”

Lydia laughed slightly. “What happened? How did this happen?”

Presley shrugged helplessly. “Your guess is as good as mine. I was just sitting in my room, crying, as I usually am, and then I fell asleep and now I’m here!” She looked around. “Nice room, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Lydia said. She glanced at her door. “Okay, well…” She ran a hand through her hair. “This…will cause some issues.”

“Oh.”

Presley took a shuffling step backwards and unholstered her crop, which she began to fidget with nervously. Lydia thought it was strange- wasn’t that the thing that basically caused her untimely demise? How could she be comfortable with even having it on her person after that?

“Sorry…”

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Lydia assured her. “How were you supposed to know that you were going to…come back to life?”

“Heh. Yeah.” Presley smiled slightly at her, which then turned into a grimace of pain. “May I sit down?”

“Yeah, of course,” Lydia said, and Presley instantly dropped down to her knees. Her breathing came out strained and ragged. “Are you alright?”

Presley gave her a weak smile, and there was blood in her teeth and blood on her lips and blood on her tongue. “Yeah, yeah… I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Lydia prodded, crouching down in front of her. “You don’t look so good.”

“Well, you know how I died,” Presley said, sitting up from her hunched position. She pressed a hand against the left side of her ribs, wincing. “Wasn’t exactly very, ahh, pretty…” She swallowed.

“Your wounds didn’t heal after you came back to life?” Lydia said. “I guess that’s what we’re calling this. But you didn’t get a fresh new start?”

Presley shook her head. She unbuttoned her jockey uniform and opened up one flap, the cloth making a disgusting peeling sound as it detached from her skin, to reveal the dark black abyss that was her trampled chest. Looking at it, even in the lamp’s golden glow, Lydia couldn’t tell where one wound ended and another wound began. They were all- the bruises and the lacerations and the welts and the hoofprints- melted into one big blemish of agony upon the young jockey’s torso. For a moment, Lydia didn’t even see that she had a sports bra on because the fabric (it had been grey, once upon a time) was completely soaked in blood and blending in with the rest of the mess.

“Unfortunately, no,” Presley closed her shirt. “I suppose it’s a fair trade. Being brought back for a second chance at life, but I have to live with the effects of how I died in the first one. Actually, that isn’t as fair as I thought. My internal organs had definitely been ruptured when--” She stopped talking and looked down at her stomach grimly.

“Well, that…sucks,” Lydia said. She glanced at her door again. How was she going to explain this to her family?

“Lydia!”

And speaking of the devils…

Lydia turned back to Presley. “Ready to meet my family?”

Presley perked up. “Really?”

“You don’t exactly have anywhere else to go,” Lydia said. “And you’re here, aren’t you? One more supernatural being living in our house won’t hurt!”

Presley tilted her head, and her helmet slumped over on her skull with the movement. “There are others?”

Lydia grinned. “Yep,” She said. “I got pretty much the coolest family.”

“Lydia!”

“Coming!” Lydia called back to the voice yelling for her. She looked back at Presley. “I’m going to go talk to them first. I’ll call down for you once they’re ready. Just be cool, okay? They’ll like you.”

At least, she hoped they would. Presley didn’t have anywhere else to go if they didn’t.

Delia, Barbara, Adam, and Charles, who had emerged from his office, were all assembled downstairs, preparing for dinner. Barbara smiled at Lydia when she came down.

“Did you find BJ?” Barbara asked.

“How long did it take to dismantle the prank?” Adam asked, sounding amused.

“What prank?” Beetlejuice materialized beside Charles, nearly making him drop the bowl of spaghetti he had been carrying to the table. He looked at him. “Sorry, Chuck.” He looked back at Lydia. “Now, what about a prank?”

All eyes turned to Lydia, and Lydia couldn’t help but feel like she was being interrogated, which was weird because she hadn’t done anything wrong. The ghost of a jockey who got killed during a race appearing in her bedroom as a living person wasn’t her fault! That was nobody’s fault!

“It turns out there was no prank,” Lydia said.

“Then what fell?” Delia asked.

“Yeah, about that…” Lydia glanced up the staircase. She faintly saw Presley hovering in the hallway. “Remember that one time we went to the Netherworld?”

“Yes,” Charles said. “It was the worst place ever.”

“Oh god,” Beetlejuice said. “Is this another lecture? I already said I’m sorry!”

“No, no, this isn’t about that,” Lydia said quickly. “While I was there, I met this girl. We kinda became friends, but, you know, I had to come back here so I haven’t seen her since.”

“Where is this going?” Adam asked, looking curious and slightly concerned.

“What if I told you guys that my friend came back to life somehow and appeared in my bedroom for no real rhyme or reason but now she’s here and has nowhere else to go?”

The house went quiet. Thunder rumbled outside, as if the very universe itself were laughing about the situation.

And then--

“WHAT?” Adam yelped.

“That can happen?” Delia said at the same time, looking at Beetlejuice.

“I guess!” Beetlejuice yelled.

“Wait, so there’s someone in our house right now?” Charles asked.

“Surprise!” Lydia said weakly. She looked up the staircase. “You can come down now.”

There was shuffling from upstairs; Presley emerged into the light of the open stairwell and staggered her way down the stairs, each step she took being punctuated by a wince. There were several gasps, mainly from Barbara, Delia, and Adam, as she stopped next to Lydia- not that Lydia blamed her family for their reactions.

Presley looked much, much worse in full lightning. Her skin was no longer pale pink like it had been in the Netherworld, rather just pale, as if all the blood was drained from her body and leaving her as an empty shell. Even her lips were completely leached of color. It was impossible to tell if the dark rings around her eyes were from sleep deprivation or were just shiners caused by her death. Her jockey uniform was slathered in a thick caking of mud--and then Lydia realized most of that was just dried blood. Black hoofprints were stamped up and down her chest, stomach, and legs, and some areas of the fabric were ripped, revealing grimy, bruised, and bloodied flesh underneath. The streams of blood down her face and side of her head were completely dried now, crusted over and flaking off. She was squeezing her crop nervously, bright hazel eyes darting everywhere around the house, but she quickly latched onto Lydia’s arm with one of her hands, holding on tightly, similarly to how she did down in the Netherworld when they first met.

“Everyone…” Lydia said to her gaping family. “Meet Presley!”

#i dont know what this au is gonna be called yet #but it's definitely something!#beetlejuice the musical #beetlejuice the broadway musical #beetlejuice au #beetlejuice fanfiction #beetlejuice fic #beetlejuice fluff #beetlejuice #lydia deetz #barbara maitland #adam maitland #delia deetz #charles deetz #the jockey #we poured mud through their veins

25 notes · View notes

yet-another-saberface · 4 years

Text

Interim Fic: Chaldea Commons

I finally finished it! This is pretty short, around 2000 words, but it was still fun to write! And it sets up something that’s going to basically be a central location for future slice of life stuff, so... Yeah. I hope everyone enjoys this!

I’ll be doing Orleans next, so look forward to that!

“Please tell me there’s something for me to do today,” I sigh, leaning on the wall just outside the command room. It’s been almost a week since we finished up the summonings, and while getting to know all of the Servants has been interesting… I can only sit around chatting and reading and asking things and such for so long before I start to feel like I’m procrastinating.

“Nope~!” Da Vinci responds. “We’ll let you know if anything pops up!”

I sigh again, pushing away from the wall and starting to head back to my room. “Thanks.”

With nothing to do, my mind races in circles, trying to identify anything worth doing. Gather more materials? I already spent most of the morning doing that. I checked the logs. I’ve got more than I’ll probably need until the next batch of Servants gets summoned. More practice fights? That’s a bit useless when I already know how to use all of my Servants.

Something. There’s got to be something.

I’ve already read through the books I borrowed. Should I get more? That’d be redundant. But what if in the next singularity I end up needing specific knowledge on a field of magecraft I didn’t refresh my memory on? Well I mean, it’s possible. Not likely, but possible.

How many fields did not read up on? I can’t even remember at this point. Probably only 1 or 2. Let’s put that on the back burner for now, we can always ask for info over comms while we’re on the field, right?

Okay, so, no point to fighting, no point to reading, what else is there?

“Senpai?” I’m snapped out of it by Mash, who I hadn’t even noticed. “Is there… A reason you’re standing in the hallway staring up at the ceiling?”

“...Not really,” I admit. “But I’ve got nothing better to do at the moment.” I glance around the hallway to find it just as empty as usual, before turning to Mash. “You got anything interesting going on?”

“Actually, I was looking for you, Senpai.”

“Oh? What for?”

“There was a place you didn’t see on the tour I wanted to show you!”

“Sounds great, what direction?” I reply, immediately feeling less tired.

“Uh… this way,” Mash says, and begins walking the way I assume she must have come from.

We walk through the halls, none of which look any different from one another. Despite having been given a tour after Fuyuki, I still get lost at least once a day while looking for a specific room. I’ve got no idea how the rest of the staff seems to know where everything is… And from what I’ve heard, it seems like the Servants agree with me.

It would be easy to deal with if people tended to get lost in a predictable fashion, but if someone gets lost, it seems like you’re more likely to get lost yourself than to find whoever was originally lost. “Uh… Where are we going Mash?”

“There,” she says, pointing to a large set of double doors at the end of the hallway. The walls right in front of them aren’t like the rest of Chaldea - instead of the pristine white walls, they’re hewn from rock, as though the passage was carved out of the mountain Chaldea sits on… It probably was.

Mash pulls open the doors, revealing a huge cavern with stone walls, illuminated by balls of light floating near the ceiling. On the other side of the room, part of the cavern has been further sculpted to form a sort of stage. It’s mostly empty, with the exception of some folding chairs in the corner, a cart with a projector on it, and what appears to be a drag-down projection screen attached to the top of the stage area. There are several other doors around the edges of the circular room… They probably lead to all the empty housing quarters or the labs or something.

“This was Chaldea’s assembly room before… Before Fuyuki. There isn’t really much use for it anymore, so I was thinking we could turn it into some sort of common area, since Chaldea doesn’t have one at the moment.”

“That’s the best idea I’ve heard all week…” I say quietly, gazing around at the lights, and the sheer size of the place. “What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, uh, well, I was thinking that maybe we could carry some couches in from some of the staff lounges that aren’t being used at the moment, and look through the storage closets for blankets and such, and see if we could find anything else after that.”

I start bouncing on the balls of my feet. This is just what I needed.

“All right then, let’s get to it!” I say cheerily. “It’s make-a-big-cave-a-hangout-space-time!”

As we’re walking over to the first lounge area, I start sorting through all of the ideas suddenly flooding my brain.

“We don’t have like… A board game closet or something, do we?”

“...Board games?”

“Mash, don’t tell me you’ve never played a board game.”

“I’m sorry to say I haven’t, Senpai,” she responds.

“Okay then, we’re fixing that, one way or another. If I have to storm into Da Vinci’s workshop and demand Monopoly or Sorry or whatever, so be it.”

“...What?” Mash asks, clearly a little lost.

“Don’t worry about it for now, it’ll all make sense once I take care of it. And it’ll be fun! Probably. It could also be frustrating. But it’s both! I should see if there’s a way to get video games… Does the internet even still work?”

“In here, Senpai,” Mash calls, opening a door into a small lounge area. For the most part, it’s just as bare as the other rooms in Chaldea, but along one room is a single couch, big enough for maybe 4 people at most, with teal cushions. “We’re going to have to carry it, is that okay?”

“Actually… That might be a bit of a problem,” I reply.

“Why?” “I… How do I explain this? I’m weak, physically. And not just, like, compared to a Servant. By human standards, I am not the person you call when you need help with hard labor. I can try, I guess, but I doubt I could lift something half as heavy as this…”

“All we can do is try,” Mash says with a smile. “My strength as a demi-servant can hopefully allow you to carry one end.”

“Hopefully,” I reply. “Should I walk backwards when we’re carrying it? I’d feel more confident with you navigating.”

“Sure thing, Senpai!”

Picking up the couch isn’t easy, that’s for sure. In the beginning, Mash is able to pick her end up off the ground quite a bit, while I can barely lift mine more than an inch. After lots of scrambling and trying to use my legs and back to lift it more, I eventually get it such that I’m more holding the couch than lifting it, which is still difficult, but at least it’s off the ground now.

I walk backwards out of the room, letting Mash direct me instead of constantly glancing over my shoulder. After just 2 corners, we have to stop to put the couch down. My arms feel like they’re on fire, and my legs are already starting to get sore. My back isn’t exactly happy with having to stay arched while carrying it either… This would be so much easier if we had a third person or something.

“How many of these were you planning on moving?”

“Well, I was thinking we could start with 5, and move more if things start getting crowded?”

“I don’t think I can move that many…”

“Do I even want to know why there’s a couch in the middle of the hallway?”

I look up to find that, somehow, despite the sheer size of Chaldea, Caster has stumbled into the same hallway as us.

“I’m saved!” I yell, jumping up off the couch. “Well, maybe,” I add, sitting back down as calmly as I can. “I can’t carry this anymore, please bail me out, Caster.”

“Where are you even taking this?”

“There’s uh, this cave, at the back of Chaldea. We were gonna move couches and stuff there so it could be… A common room or something? I dunno,” I explain through a yawn.

“Eh, I can get behind that,” he responds.

“Senpai, do you think you can navigate for us, then?” Mash asks.

“Uh… sure. Yup. Definitely.” How the hell am I supposed to find it when everywhere in Chaldea looks the same?

Surprisingly, after getting us severely off track and running into the windows, I manage to get us back to the assembly room, where we set the couch down roughly in the middle of everything.

“Great, now we just need 4 more of those,” I say. “Roughly. And then it’s time to figure out what else we’re stuffing in here. But… There’s gotta be a faster way to do this…”

“We have all day, Senpai,” Mash reminds me.

“Not if we’re playing Uno later, we don’t. I know what we need to do.”

And that was how I found myself storming into the command room and demanding the right to use the intercom.

“Eva, you’re not supposed to be in here,” Roman reminds me.

“I know, I know, I’ll only be a second.” I grab the microphone and start fidgeting with the controls, trying to figure out how it works.

“Just let her,” Da Vinci says. I can practically hear her grinning.

“Why should I? The last time we let her back in here, she didn’t leave for 6 hours and no one else was working because she was doing the work of practically the entire command room.”

“I know that glint in her eyes. She’s got an idea~”

At that moment precisely, I can hear the air fill with a slight static. The intercom is on. I let out a cheer, and the entire room jumps from how it echoes throughout the building. Perfect.

“So uh, I didn’t really have a planned message for this, but I figure that everyone should know… There’s this big assembly room in the back of the building that we don’t really have use for anymore, so we’re turning it into a common room for people to hang out in. But it’s gonna take forever if almost no one is working on it. So, now everyone knows… And uh… Yeah. Just find me or the room or something and we can let you know what we need help with, and if we’re lucky we can finish before tonight and play Uno! Thanks everyone!” I flip the switch I’d hit a few seconds before, turning the intercom off again.

“That was all I needed!” I say, running out of the command room, just as promised. “And Da Vinci! I left a list of games on your desk that I don’t think Chaldea has lying around! I hope you don’t mind making them if you have time!”

“No problem~!” She yells back.

I get lost at least 4 times over on the way back to the new common room - if only I’d run into the windows at the edge of the building again, it would have been so much easier. Why can’t there be landmarks to make navigation easier? Maybe that’s the next big project. Put decorations in the hallways to make them distinguished from one another.

I stash that idea in the back of my mind to write down and bring up later.

But by the time I do find the room again, surprisingly, the other couches have already been moved in, along with a few armchairs. Mash is stashing blankets in some storage containers along the wall, Caster and Saber are carrying huge stacks of pillows to set down on the newly placed furniture, and Rider is directing Emiya and a staff member in carrying an empty bookcase across the room.

“...What did I miss?” I ask. “How long was I lost?”

“Only around 20 minutes, Senpai,” Mash says, walking over to me. “Things sped up a lot after you asked for help.”

“Yeah, I guess they did… Did I mention, by the way, that this was a really good idea and I’m probably going to be forever grateful that we did this?”

“No, I don’t think you did, Senpai. But I’m glad you think that.”

“It just kinda… Already feels more like home.”

Oop- Tags.

@contractgreen @panyum @withanina @campanulabell @delfinaschiffer @princessaslan @armageddon25 @patproductions @xviicprc @eldritch-flowers @rankeluck @areeta9 @bitter--edge @uncommoncritter @blackcherrybombbomb

14 notes · View notes

leavingcertnightmares · 4 years

Text

Shakespeare uses an array of dramatic techniques to convey a world of corruption and deceit in his drama ‘Hamlet’

The metaphoric and symbolic complexity of Shakespeare’s tragedies is perhaps what he is best known for. Outside his great drama and fascinating characterisation, the imagery and dramatic techniques used ensures these masterpieces live on centuries after his death. In studying ‘Hamlet’ I was fascinated by the use of the supernatural as well as theatre, and the imagery of sickness and poison. It is, however, the use of an anti-hero/anti-villain, the depiction of a world of greys instead of black and white morality, that sets Shakespeare’s work aside from the very popular Elizabethan revenge tragedies.

Shakespeare continuously subverts expectation by shirking the idea of any truly good or evil characters existing in the world of Elsinore. Both of the main characters display a depth uncharacteristic of the hero/villain they are meant to be representing. This lack of a ‘good vs evil’ plot that is so central to what audiences have come to expect, paints a picture of a corrupted society with uncomfortably ambiguous morals.

The audience expects to be hailing Hamlet as the hero of the story, but as the play progresses he provides many examples of villainy and indecisiveness. His treatment of Ophelia for example, in act 3 scene 1 is downright cruel. ‘Wise men know well what monsters you make of them’. He treats his mother with the same cruelty in act 3 scene 4. With his accusations of murder and incest he denounces female frailty and unchastity and makes known his horrified sense of the consequences of marraige. ‘Frailty thy name is woman’. ‘Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul, and there I see such black and grained spots’. After Hamlet’s many displays of misogyny and procrastination, the audience cannot be sure if his intentions are heroic or not. He is deceitful and weak-willed, two decidedly villainous traits, and is the epitome of an anti-hero.

Claudius too breaks away from the role of villain at times and cannot be treated as wholly evil. Although he is guilty of murder and does many awful deeds, one has to consider his initial introduction as a brilliant king who is well loved by the people of Elsinore. He balances the grief of a kingdom along with the threat of war with Norway. One of the most impactful scenes with Claudius is act 3 scene 3, the prayer scene. He expresses genuine guilt for his actions ‘Forgive me my foul murder’, and shows that he does have a moral compass. He shows true complexity when he weighs up being forgiven over giving up the fruits of his crimes ‘My crown, mine own ambition and my queen’. And the moment he decides against repenting for his sins is the moment he is truly corrupted. Shakespeare crafts Claudius into the perfect embodiment of an anti-villain whom the audience cannot completely turn against. Afterall one of the biggest tragedies is when someone can be good, but chooses to be bad. This technique of portraying morally grey characters is one of the most influential in conveying the corrupted, deceitful nature of the drama but is not the only one.

Shakespeare uses the Ghost not only as a plot device but as a symbol of the inherit corrupt nature of Danish society. The Ghost plays a hugely important role in the play as he is the first evidence that ‘something is rotten in the state of Denmark’. He effectively captures the audience from the beginning when he is classed as a ‘dreaded sight’. The Ghost of King Hamlet introduces the theme of corruption and deception. It shows deep disturbances in the kingdom, ‘bodes eruption to our state’, which shows the audience that this is not a regular occurrence in Elsinore.

Hamlet’s dead father is the catalyst for change, and it is his dramatic revelations that get the play underway. The revelations about ‘the serpent that did sting thy father’s life’ allow the audience to join the dots and understand that it is indeed Claudius who is the snake in question. Hamlet’s problem with his mother is confirmed when the Ghost speaks of ‘his shameful lust that will of my most seeming virtuous queen’, which gives the audience an opportunity to form an opinion about Gertrude. However, the task of vengeance imposed on his son intensifies his suffering. Shakespeare proves how filial duty is of utmost importance to the young prince. He is fully aware of the corruption that infects the monarchy, he knows being loyal to his father is the only way to stop this vicious circle.

The Ghost also forces the other characters to question Hamlet’s sanity. When he returns to ‘To whet thy blunted purpose’ during the closet scene, Gertrude cannot see the Ghost of her husband past. She can only see her crazy and disturbed son. We are almost unsure what is and isn’t deceptive at this point. This phantom works as a narrative exposition, he sets the theme of deception and corruption from the moment he enters the play and gives Hamlet a sense of purpose.

Another core technique used in the play is Imagery. There is a running motif throughout of sickness and poison. The play begins and ends with poison which lends a cyclical quality to it. Claudius is referred to by the Ghost as a ‘serpent’, an animal not only a fitting symbol of poison but whose biblical connections associate it solely with deceit and corruptness.

All characters who die in the tragedy die of one fatal flaw. Polonius of interference in the business of others, Hamlet of indecisiveness. That is the nature of poison, it is slow-acting, targets weakness, and ultimately corrupts.

The consistent view of Denmark throughout is of a society that is infected or dying, ‘Something is rotten in the state of Denmark’. Even the events of the play are diseased, ‘Oh to my sick soul’, ‘Quick of the ulcer’, ‘canker’. This image of sickness combined with the image of poison creates a sense of inevitability, a foreboding atmosphere, if Elsinore is sick then its unavoidable death will soon follow.

A technique that also contributes to this corrupt society is Shakespeare's use of Theatre and Acting. There are no characters, with the exception of Horatio, that are completely honest. In fact, deception plays such a huge role in the drama, that the audience can only be sure a character is giving their true thoughts in asides and soliloquies. Shakespeare uses this technique both in grand, obvious ways, such as the Mousetrap, as well as more subtle ways. It is a constant throughout the play, present in almost every scene. Hamlet’s antic disposition, the most major example of theatre, blurs the line of acting and true madness until the audience is sure of nothing, and can trust no one.

And just as the audience is getting used to questioning everything, Shakespeare presents a scene, the only scene, that is completely devoid of acting.

The arrival of the actors. Hamlet is shocked into dropping all pretences for a moment around those he believes he can trust. ‘My excellent good friends’. The appearance of Rosencranz and Guildenstern brings out the jovial sociable side of Hamlet. In this scene Shakespeare uses the dramatic technique of theatre as a composer might use silence. When a movie has an amazing, emotional score the whole way through, composers will often have one scene with no music at all. This draws attention to it. In allowing the audience to feel an absence of what we expect, it draws attention to the moment. Shakespeare, using the absence of a major theme in this scene, expertly calls attention to its huge presence in the rest of the play.

The facades and acting of all the characters in Elsinore create an image of a crooked, dishonest kingdom, that relies so heavily on deceit that ‘to be honest is to be one man picked out of a thousand’.

The world of deception and corruption evoked by Shakespeare is effectively brought to life through the use of the moral ambiguity, the supernatural, imagery, and theatre. These techniques bring this world to life for the audience and help them to deeply understand the themes and characters of the play. The play would be much less compelling and would lack depth. I personally think that the masterpiece that is Hamlet is thought provoking because of all of the hidden techniques Shakespeare effectively used to evoke the world of deception and corruption. H1 Standard: 95%

#english

3 notes · View notes

hayesit · 5 years

Text

matt’s 2019 year in review

here it is! and it’s late because i had other/better things to do (and procrastinating), was recovering from hangovers (also procrastinating), and recovering from being sick (procrastinating).

i’ve been doing these year in review posts since 2016, so here is my fourth installment. every year i look back through my google calendar, my camera roll, and my bullet journal as a gratitude exercise and to chart my own development as an adult.

here is my spotify wrapped 2019!

the beginning of this year was off to a good start: i met two friends that i know through the internet! i met my friend riley when she visited boston (i met her through a mutual friend and through overwatch league twitter) and my friend jimmy that i’ve known for…. 6 or 7 years (?!) through tumblr and designed the logo for me and alex’s late podcast, hardly tea, may she rest in peace.

i moved dorm rooms in between the fall and spring semester, and once again i was not happy with where i lived. i lived with 4 rando’s that i was placed with and the 5 of us barely even talked with each other. my direct roommate i saw for only two weeks, and for the nights he slept over in the bed (that he was paying room and board for) and had the worst snoring humanly possible that not even earplugs could kill (video below). i hardly slept while he was there and roamed the halls of riverview suites like a ghost due to the anxiety i felt about my lack of sleep (we love a vicious circle)! he disappeared after those two weeks without notice and i lived in fear of him returning for the rest of the semester (which he didn’t), but returned to my normal sleep schedule.

youtube

that semester was my first semester of full-time grad school. i got a poor grade on an assignment that had a note from the professor that said she knew i could do better and it hit me how much different grad school is from undergrad and how much more effort and dedication it requires. after crying in my professor’s office, my work ethic has improved since then, but it’s not anywhere near where i’d like it to be (more on that later).

now to more positive things for the spring semester: i met some friends that semester both ~on and offline~ that made the semester far more bearable AND i did however truly pop off in every last one of my powerpoint presentations for class. i looooove making powerpoints and just fuckin telling jokes about my research topic and have ppl tell me that they are looking forward to my presentation & that i should teach college classes :)!

me and 4 friends had a social group in which we’d drink and play board games and forget about the board game and drunkenly talk shit called cabam after all our first initials! i always looked forward to that and dug the group chemistry a lot.

during this semester i grew a “ beard “, otherwise known as i chose not to shave just to “ see what would happen “ (praythatitfilledin). sorry about that!

the overwatch league was something that i had to look forward to watch every week and i had my experience enhanced through sideshow and avast’s unofficial companion streams, which guaranteed lots of laughs. i have bought tickets to two boston home games in 2020 which i am very excited about! analysts have predicted boston to be in 20th place this year (there are 20 teams) but i’m still excited for the 2020 season anyway!!

i can’t have a year-in-review of 2019 without mentioning game of thrones. due to the show’s final season being undeniably weak, i enjoyed the camaraderie with the other people that watched thrones during those six weeks. i haven’t thought about the show or its universe for quite a while, unfortunately. i truly was quite into the world of westeros, but the weakness of the end of the story cheapened the journey of each of the characters, in a way. such a shame.

while i got my diploma in december 2018, i walked across the stage of umass lowell’s tsongas arena with my bachelor of arts in psychology (and minor in theatre arts). it wasn’t as emotional or triumphant of an experience and just felt weird, considering i had already gotten my diploma and was going to remain in the clutches of rowdy the riverhawk as i am staying for my masters degree in applied behavior analysis/autism studies. i brought a ceramic monkey to graduation. it didn’t have any symbolism, but i just wanted to see if they’d stop me (which they didn’t)

this summer was better than most summers of mine go, i hung out with alex nearly every weekend, got my very first iphone, and got a data plan. the combination of these three things got me back into playing pokemon go, an unexpectedly fun pastime! went on lots of walks!

my favorite day of summer was going to a lake with alex and our friend gianna, who i grew closer to after meeting her during macbeth last year. fond 2019 memories with gianna include: doing simulation patients with her, watching movies with her and alex, and the halloween party. what a great gd person and a great gd friend! big fan and eternally rooting for her.

fire emblem: three houses came out on the switch in august and is, without a doubt, my game of the year. there’s truly so much to love about the game: the world, the characters, new changes made to the series, things that were gone but returned, interesting micromanaging, and best of all, how huge my brain feels when playing it.

i got a 6-week summer job as a paraprofessional at an extended-school-year program for children with developmental disabilities at a preschool in haverhill which taught me a lot of lessons, such as: i hate cleaning shit off of children.

then i had feelings that didn’t make much sense for about a month! whoops!

my full-time job i currently have is working at my old high school as a behavior specialist. i provide consultation and work on programs to lead to more appropriate behavior in students, primarily ones with developmental disabilities. so far it’s been fairly rewarding, some days are more challenging than others, some days are a lot of sitting in meetings, and some days are a lot of running around. some days there is not much to do at all, which has its obvious upsides and downsides. working at the high school isn’t something that i want to do forever, but it’s a good place to start with. i’m definitely learning a lot and there are a lot of benefits to working here. sometimes i can work on my grad school work (which is all online until the 2020 summer semester) which is definitely huge. and my commute is either a 15 minute walk or 3 minutes if my mom drives me!

a ~complex~ thing about working in my hometown is that it makes the most financial sense to live at home because it’s so close to work. this is my first time living at home full-time since high school and i’m not enjoying that part too much. most weekends i visit alex in lowell, but being stuck at home with no car (going to retake the license test in the spring when the ice melts!) and having to go to bed so early definitely hurts. sure, i have what is likely the lowest amount of expenses i’ll ever have in my life (no car-related payments, no rent, no groceries), but i feel landlocked. i feel like a teenager with minimal freedom, which is in part because my mom doesn’t quite understand yet that i’m a 22 year-old that should have a lot more freedom than i do now. the most i really do on weekdays after work gets out (2:30p) is go to savers with my mom if it’s tuesday (senior citizen day), maybe go for a walk if it’s nice out (which for most of the school year, it isn’t), or be on the computer watching bon appetit videos and playing overwatch, fire emblem, or pokemon, eat a bland dinner at 6, go to bed at around 9:30. sad! truly not a situation that i want to be trapped in that much that much longer!

i think the best and most important part of this year was becoming closer with alex. as i mentioned before, we see each other most weekends, to our great benefit. our living situations have flip-flopped, with me living at home and alex living in an apartment near campus, which in both similar and different ways have taken their respective tolls on us. having each other while going through changes and stagnations in our lives has been immeasurably important. thank you alex for providing a place to be myself other than my own head. thank you for being my best friend.

now i come to the thing that i’m most excited about for 2020. not 2 suck my own horn but i have cobbled together a fuckin dream team of five friends (me, alex, chris, kelly, and molly). the two times we have all gotten together it has been so satisfying in such a wonderful and otherworldly way that i am filled to the brim of happiness being around them. the craziest thing is that i met chris and kelly through twitter! TWITTER. and they’re real-ass people and my real-ass friends! i haven’t been so pleased with something in my life like this for so long and it feels so good to have adult friends that i have chosen rather than friends by circumstance. it’s truly a crime that we can’t see each other more often, but we already have a day picked out for the next time we all do something together. feeling emotional writing this paragraph bc i love me gd friends so much!

there is a lot of uncertainty about this new year for me. i sure as fuck don’t want to live at home more than i have to but don’t know where to go, my practicum class starts for me this summer which means i’ll most likely have to change jobs (fine by me, but will be exhausting), i recently began my search for therapists and hope to find one soon to help me ~unpack things~, my thesis begins in the fall semester and i don’t know what to do for it, and i’m not 100% dead-set on working in special education. it’s been hard transitioning from living on campus and going to school full-time to the life i have now.

#year in review #personal

7 notes · View notes

miguel-manbemel · 5 years

Text

Aspects & Fanfics Ep. 25: The Sprites Strike Back

New entry of the “Aspects & Fanfics” fanfic blog inspired on “Sanders Sides” by Thomas Sanders, Joan S. and the Foster Dawg Team. In this entry, we’re gonna get in full Logicality mode, so get ready if you like it and be warned if you don’t.

For those who didn’t read previous entries, here comes a summary of important events from previous episodes that help understand the plot of this episode better. The Sprites are original creatures I introduced in the fic back in episode 11. They are, like the Sides, aspects of Thomas’ personality, but they take such a weak role in his personality that they don’t have a body of their own and instead fly around the Mind Palace in the form of colored fireflies, or pixies of some kind. They try to byte the main compatible color SIdes to try and take control of their bodies, to speak and act through them. Without them, they can only emit jingle bell sounds that serve as an alert to the Sides of their proximity. Some Sprites are good or neutral, they just wanna play with the Sides and leave them before they become dangerous for them. Others are evil and try to stay in their bodies permanently, which would eventually be fatal for the Side.

Honesty is an original Side from this fic, introduced in episode 2. He is Deceit’s siamese twin. They used to share the same body until corruption (Honesty is a Light Side and Deceit was a Dark Side) prompted Thomas to eventually separate them both. Now each has their own body, but they still share memories and can read the other’s mind and thinking. All the Dark Sides except Remus have been turned into Light Sides at one point or another and after all they’ve gone through in the fic, now they’re all friendly towards Thomas.

Ira was introduced in episode 6 as another original Dark Side, the green one, representing Thomas’ Wrath. He used to be evil but had a redemption arc and joined the Sides as a friend. He was killed in episode 14 in a battle against the main villain on this fic, the Dark Master, a representation of Thomas’ evil introduced right in the first episode that wants to overthrown Thomas and take control of the Mind Palace and Thomas’ actions, using originally the Dark Sides in his schemes until they all rebelled against him. Ira didn’t die, though and was resurrected as a green Sprite. He would become a permanent ally, staying in Sandersia, a world that is an extension of Roman’s room where all the characters he ever created in his works live, including the Prince Guy from the Vines and Shorts, Roland, who was created by Roman as the brother he wished he would have had instead of Remus, which was a cause of jealousy and anger for Remus. Ira was given a body by Roman (a body he can’t use out of Sandersia) and lives with Roland in the royal castle, as his personal henchman and protector.

And this is it. I hope this summary has been helpful and that you enjoy reading this episode as much as I did writing it. Disclaimer that the joke you can find in the opening between quotation marks is not mine, I found it on the internet, without credit of who its author may be. I thought it was perfect for the opening skit, you’ll see why. If you want to read further into previous entries of the fic, you can find them right here. Until next time.

SYNOPSIS: Thomas suddenly doesn’t care about anything or anyone. Nothing has a point for him as he doesn’t see difference between right and wrong. That makes Logan realize that something happened to Patton and they go to his room to check on him. They’ll have to do everything they can to save Patton from a Sprite that has bitten him. Will it be enough to save him, though?

WARNINGS: Romantic Prinxiety in some moments, and lots of moments of romantic Logicality, especially in the final part. There’s a moment where Logan slaps Thomas in the face to try and make him react, if it could be a trigger. And Patton is going to go through a lot in the episode, but nothing too disturbing except for some moments where he’ll whine and cry for help, if they could be triggering somehow.

EPISODE INDEX

[Thomas shows a piece of paper]

THOMAS: I found this note on the fridge. It reads “Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.” It looks as if Patton, Logan and Remus had been working together as a team to write this dark joke, and I don’t know if I should be concerned about it…

[intro sequence]

THOMAS: What is up, everybody? Yesterday, I had an amazingly relaxing day with friends, for the first time in months. I really needed it. We went on a road trip to the beach, Dominic, Dahlia, Joan, Talyn and me. I wish there were more days like this, honestly. To be honest, I’m willing to repeat it one of these days.

LOGAN: [rising up] I hope you’re kidding, Thomas.

THOMAS: Why do you say that? Don’t you like me being happy with my friends?

LOGAN: I didn’t say that. It’s good to have moments of rest and all, but you have a lot of important projects to work on for a few weeks already, you can’t afford anymore rest.

THOMAS: Oh, come on, it was a day at the beach. Why are you so salty about it?

LOGAN: That… [making the quotation sign] “day” has come right after two weeks of similar rest since you finished that album. Two weeks that you took to work on that script-writing contest. A contest that you ended up not winning so it was a break of your habitual working routine that you can’t prolong anymore.

THOMAS: Ugh… who cares about that?

LOGAN: [in shock] What?

THOMAS: I just want to be with my friends. I have a right to stop for a while. Or forever, what’s the difference? I don’t care anyway.

LOGAN: I… I can’t believe you’re saying this. Thomas, are you okay? This is not like you at all. You have always been the most hardworking person ever. You’ve always loved your job. And now you don’t care about it at all?

THOMAS: I mean, if I have to do it, I will. Only because I have to pay the rent, and the insurance, and food. But don’t expect me to care about it. It’s only survival instinct, that’s all. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong in stopping like this. Who’s gonna miss me anyway?

ROMAN: [rising up] Um… maybe your 3.29 million followers on Twitter, 4.4 million followers on TikTok and 3.3 million followers on Instagram and YouTube? Just to name a few… See, Logan, I can count too.

LOGAN: Marvelous. Next step, learning how to write.

[Roman emits some offended Princey noises]

THOMAS: Come on. All these people surely do have other people to follow. They will survive without me. Or whatever, I don’t care.

ROMAN: Don’t talk about your followers so disrespectfully, Thomas. These people love what you do and they would miss you if you fail to deliver content to them.

THOMAS: That’s not important.

LOGAN: Yes, it is! Now I’m beginning to worry seriously. It is one thing to feel the need to procrastinate before returning to work after a holiday, but saying things like those it’s too off. Something’s wrong with Thomas or with some of the Sides. My intuition senses are tingling hard.

ROMAN: Okay, Spider-Teach. What do we do?

LOGAN: First we ought to call the others to see if everybody is okay.

ROMAN: Well, Virgil is okay, I can tell you. Virgil, come here, honey!

VIRGIL: [rising up] I’m here. What’s the matter, Roman?

ROMAN: Something’s wrong with Thomas and we’re calling everyone to check on them.

VIRGIL: Okay, should I worry?

LOGAN: Maybe. But let’s make sure and call the others. Patton! Deceit! Honesty! Remus!

[the Sides appear one by one, all of them except Patton]

DECEIT: What is going on?

REMUS: Yeah, what is this commotion all about? I was making myself a soup on the fly.

HONESTY: I hope you mean making soup with whatever you have in your fridge on the fly, figuratively.

REMUS: Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

HONESTY: Thank God.

REMUS: I had a bottle of flies in the fridge and I was making my soup with them.

HONESTY: Ew… gross…

REMUS: Why? They’re crispier than croutons. And yummier too. Which reminds me I left the pot on the stove… Oh, well, it’s not the first time my kitchen caught fire and it won’t be the last. I’ll clean it later.

LOGAN: Guys… where is Patton? He should be here already.

VIRGIL: I don’t know. Could he be in autopilot? But he doesn’t enter autopilot often, he always says he wants to be ready whenever someone calls him to help him however he can… Dad! Dad, come here quick! [nothing happens] Uh-oh…

LOGAN: [scared] I hope Patton is okay.

ROMAN: Relax, Logan. I’m sure he’s just playing with his puppies, that’s all.

LOGAN: Still, we should go to Patton’s room. I tell you that my intuition is telling me something’s wrong. And Thomas’ behavior is not okay either.

THOMAS: I don’t know what you are talking about. I see nothing wrong in my behavior at all.

LOGAN: That’s the issue. You are having problems to distinguish between right and wrong, which means your morality has clocked out.

VIRGIL: [scared] Oh, my goodness… You’re right, something’s happened to my father! We must go to his room, now!

THOMAS: Okay, if you insist. But I find it silly. Let’s go.

[Thomas and the Sides sink down, then they rise up in Patton’s room]

VIRGIL: [yelling in angst] DAD! What’s wrong with you!?

[Patton is lying down on the ground, unconscious. His puppies are in a corner, whining in fear]

LOGAN: [just as scared as Virgil] Patton! Oh, please, no! What happened to you!?

[Roman looks at Logan with a funny face, as if he was thinking on something]

LOGAN: Virgil, help me put him on the couch.

VIRGIL: Yes, Logan.

[Logan and Virgil grab Patton and put him on the couch]

VIRGIL: [tapping Patton gently on the cheek] Dad… Dad? Wake up, please.

[Patton doesn’t wake up. Logan grabs Patton’s hand, caressing it sweetly with a face of huge concern. Roman looks at Logan with the same face of inner thinking, then Logan puts a sudden face of fear]

LOGAN: Guys… guys look at this! On his wrist!

[Logan points at Patton’s wrist. There’s a light blue spark on it]

VIRGIL: It’s a Sprite! Patton has been bitten by a Sprite!

LOGAN: This explains everything.

[Patton suddenly opens his eyes. Looks around and notices Logan grabbing his hand]

SPRITE: [with a cold voice, withdrawing his hand from Logan’s hand] Get your hands off me, you freaking nerd!

LOGAN: These are not your hands, you Sprite! They’re Patton’s!

SPRITE: They were Patton’s. Now they are mine! And they’ll stay mine forever!

LOGAN: [yelling] FALSEHOOD!

ROMAN: Calm down, Logan. You’re supposed to be the cool thinker here. Control your temper, for Patton.

LOGAN: You’re right, Roman, I apologize.

SPRITE: [getting up] Well, let’s see… I certainly haven’t gotten the nicest body among the Sides, but it will have to suffice, I guess…

THOMAS: [with a voice of not caring at all] Poor Patton… How did this happen?

SPRITE: Oh, it was easy. I just had to hide between one of that fool’s dogs’ hair, and when he petted it, I jumped on his wrist. He didn’t even have time to flinch.

LOGAN: Like a freaking flea. You used his need of spreading love against him. You f… [bleep] bast… [bleep]

DECEIT: You know you won’t stay in there for long. We know how to take care of bugs like you.

SPRITE: I’m not as dumb as Laziness. You’ll never know who I am.

VIRGIL: Please, let Patton go. He’s my father.

SPRITE: Why would I care about that?

LOGAN: Because Patton is the most wonderful being that exists in the Mind Palace. We would all give our lives in exchange of his. You can’t do this to him.

SPRITE: [laughs] You all sound so corny and stupid. Why should I care about this idiot? He’s just a vessel for me to take. There’s only room for one of us in this body and it’s gonna be me who stays in. I’m fed up of wandering around the Mind Palace without a body. I’m not giving up this one!

LOGAN: [with a deadly serious face of anger] I’ll make your life a hell if you don’t retreat right now. And believe me, I know how.

SPRITE: [equally serious] Don’t make threats you cannot carry out, nerd. You know if you try to do anything to me, it’s your loved one who’ll feel the pain.

[Roman closes his eyes and concentrates for a few seconds, then he opens his eyes]

ROMAN: Done. I’ve called Ira. Maybe he can give us some help.

SPRITE: Ira? That impure Sprite? He used to be one of you, wasn’t he? Well, you’re wasting your time. He’s as hopeless as you are. You can’t do anything to stop me.

ROMAN: We’ll see about that.

[Ira’s green Sprite appears]

ROMAN: Hi, Ira. I told you everything telepathically. It’s a good thing you were in Sandersia, otherwise I couldn’t have reached you like that. Do you think you can help?

[Ira flies to Remus and, before Remus can do anything, he attaches to Remus’ ear]

REMUS: Ouch! Don’t…!

IRA: [speaking through Remus’ body] …do that. I know, I know, but this is an emergency and I can’t use Honesty’s hologram anymore, so let me borrow your body for a second, will ya?

SPRITE: Wow, it’s the first time I see you behaving like a real Sprite, Ira. Too bad it’s not gonna make any difference.

IRA: And you know a lot about difference, right… Indifference?

ROMAN: Indifference? So that Sprite is Indifference?

IRA: He is, Roman. One of the worst kind of light blue Sprites. He’s almost the only one that would have the guts to attack Patton like this. Patton is so friendly that even Sprites like him on first sight, and are contented with playing with him from time to time. But he’s the only one willing to destroy him. That… smurf-beetle.

LOGAN: Of course he is. Indifference is the result of our morals and convictions going numb. That’s why Thomas hasn’t cared for anything or anyone lately. Then, the solution is clear. We must make Thomas remember his morals and what he stands for to help Patton gain enough strength to expel indifference out of him.

INDIFFERENCE: Ha! Good luck with that. I’m not as weak as Laziness. You will never be strong enough to expel me.

LOGAN: You’re probably just bluffing.

INDIFFERENCE: Wanna bet?

IRA: Logan, I hate to say this, but he’s right. He’s one of the strongest Sprites out there. It will take more than brute force of will to expel him out of Patton. But don’t worry, I’m gonna go get some help.

ROMAN: Some help? From who?

IRA: Well, being a Sprite has its advantages, you know? Okay, I’ll be back as soon as I can. Don’t despair, guys.

LOGAN: Hurry up. We don’t know how much time we’ve got until the process becomes irreversible.

IRA: Yes, I know. I’ll be back soon.

[Ira disengages from Remus’ ear, then flies away]

REMUS: Aw, that hurts… Roman, if you don’t tell your green bug to stay away from me, I’m gonna put him in my next soup, I promise!

ROMAN: Sorry, Remus. I wish I could give him a body of his own, but I can’t outside of Sandersia.

LOGAN: Okay, while our plan B gets rolling, let’s start with plan A. Thomas?

THOMAS: What is it now?

LOGAN: You must try to remember what you always have stood for. What you always believed to be right, and even what you always believed to be wrong.

THOMAS: What’s the point to do that?

LOGAN: We need you to do that to save Patton. If you don’t remember how to distinguish between right and wrong, we’ll lose him.

THOMAS: The problem is I have no clue about what is good and what is bad. Everything looks the same to me right now. It makes no difference to me.

LOGAN: That’s because it was Patton who helped you in that matter, but remember that we all come from you. There has to be some way for you to reignite the spark of your morality, to start giving him strength to fight.

THOMAS: I don’t see the point.

LOGAN: What?

THOMAS: If the Sprite wants his body, whatever, let him have it. I am the Light Master, I can create another Morality Side whenever I want, so it’s not so big of a deal.

[Logan looks at Thomas in silence, then he approaches him and slaps him in the face with a loud noise. Thomas is so shocked he can’t react at all]

INDIFFERENCE: Oooh… that must have hurt…

LOGAN: [trembling voice with anger] Don’t you dare say that again. Maybe you don’t remember what is right or wrong, but as long as that part of yourself is clocked out, I will act as your substitute conscience, and I’ll never let you do that. We’re gonna save Patton, the same Patton that is there in distress, and we’re gonna live happily ever after. Understand?

THOMAS: [with his hand on his face] Okay… if you say so…

LOGAN: Now will you help us or not?

THOMAS: Okay, I’ll try, I’ll try, don’t slap me again, I need my face for my job.

LOGAN: Well, at least we see a reaction in you of some kind…

THOMAS: I mean… you really scared me. I don’t want you to kill me, that’s all.

LOGAN: Mmm… Maybe we could have something in this. Criminals throughout history did not show to have a healthy moral scheme, or any moral scheme at all. But many of them could act based on fear. Fear to get caught, for example. Virgil is still here and he’s in good shape, obviously, that’s why you feel fear. So maybe you can lend us a hand, Virgil.

VIRGIL: How can I help? I’ll do anything to help my father.

LOGAN: We’re gonna try something. I’m gonna use on Thomas the classical conditioning method by Pavlov. In short, it consists on putting different kinds of stimulus on a subject to elicit specific responses. In his current state, Thomas cannot elicit appropriate responses on his own, so that’s where you come in, Virgil. I’m gonna mention different things to Thomas. Whenever I mention something positive or right, send him a “pleasant feeling”, Virgil, by removing all signs of anxiety from him at that exact moment for a couple of seconds. If I mention something negative or wrong, do the opposite, send a little bit of anxiety to Thomas. With enough tries, we could make Thomas anticipate the good and bad feelings when thinking on something. That could make Thomas re-learn the difference between right and wrong, and give Patton a chance to fight.

INDIFFERENCE: Wow, Teach, that looks like a good plan.

LOGAN: I know.

INDIFFERENCE: Emphasis on the “looks”, because Pavlov’s method needed a lot of sessions to make the conditioning work, and I’m afraid you don’t have so much time. It’s only a matter of minutes before he’s no more.

LOGAN: Maybe, but it’s still a matter of minutes before he’s gone, and I’m gonna use each and every second left to save him.

INDIFFERENCE: Well, suit yourself. I don’t care.

LOGAN: Okay, ready Virge?

VIRGIL: I’m ready, Logan.

LOGAN: Okay… Thomas, imagine helping a friend in need.

[Virgil points at Thomas, he shows a smile of relaxation]

THOMAS: Wow, that feels great…

LOGAN: Now… kicking a dog on the back.

[Virgil points at Thomas again, this time he grimaces]

THOMAS: That was not so great…

LOGAN: Standing up for human rights…

[there is a montage of Logan, Virgil and Thomas repeating the same method for a few times]

LOGAN: Well, I don’t think we have too much time left, so that will have to suffice. How do you feel, Thomas?

THOMAS: I don’t know. It’s a weird feeling. I don’t feel true concern about right and wrong, but at least now I can sense which is which, in part at least…

LOGAN: Concentrate on the different feelings you had for each example, and try to extrapolate them to this situation. Use the feelings you received as a beacon of light and project them onto Patton. Ugh… I never thought I would ever be working with feelings.

THOMAS: Okay, I’ll try…

[Thomas looks at Patton. The Sprite shows a face of concern. He starts shaking faintly]

THOMAS: I… I’m feeling something new… I’m feeling true signals of right and wrong, but they’re too weak.

INDIFFERENCE: Stop it… Stop it right now…

THOMAS: The signs are too weak… I think I’m losing them…

[Patton’s body stops shaking. Indifference shows a triumphal smile]

THOMAS: I lost them.

INDIFFERENCE: I told you it was gonna be worthless.

LOGAN: But now you remember how right and wrong truly felt, right? Try to use that memory and project it onto Patton. Let’s try again.

THOMAS: I’m trying, Logan, but I can’t. The signals were too weak to be clearly distinguishable.

INDIFFERENCE: Give up, Thomas. It’s already too late. Patton is almost gone.

LOGAN: Emphasis on the “almost”. Thomas, don’t listen to him. You’re Patton’s only hope. Try again.

THOMAS: Okay.

[Thomas looks at Patton again. Again the Sprite shows a face of concern and Patton’s body starts shaking, this time a little harder than earlier. For a moment, Patton shows a face of struggle]

PATTON: [whining] Logan… Help me…

LOGAN: [distressed] Patton? Is it you?

INDIFFERENCE: Enough!

[Thomas has to step back, as if he had been pushed by an invisible force]

THOMAS: I almost had it!

INDIFFERENCE: [yelling angry] You’ll never have him back! This body is mine! All mine!

LOGAN: [yelling] No, it isn’t! I will never let you get away with this! Patton is too precious to me! I’ll protect him with my life if I must!

[Roman looks at Logan with a face of realization. He’s quickly distracted when Ira returns, and he’s bringing with him a swarm of light blue Sprites. Roman points at Ira and his body appears]

IRA: Okay, everybody step back. I have brought reinforcements with me.

INDIFFERENCE: What? What are all these doing here?

[the blue Sprites start sticking onto Patton’s body one by one]

LOGAN: Wait, what is going on? What are they doing?

IRA: Don’t worry, Logan. As a Sprite myself, I know perfectly well how we work. Trust me. Patton will be all right when it’s all over. A bit sore, but it will be worth it.

LOGAN: Okay, I hope so…

INDIFFERENCE: Get away! Get away from me right now! This body is mine! I saw it first!

[Patton’s body starts speaking with multiple voices overlapping, mumbling incoherent sounds the more Sprites attach to him, and he starts shaking violently]

INDIFFERENCE: [his voice is faintly heard among the rest of voices] Get out now! I’m getting weak! There’s too many of us! I can’t keep control! No!

IRA: Now it’s your chance, Thomas. Indifference is too busy fighting the other Sprites to keep control of Patton himself. I’m sure you’re starting to have true feelings of right and wrong already. Project them onto Patton and help him fight!

THOMAS: Okay. This time the signal is really strong! Patton, come back to us, now!

INDIFFERENCE: Nooo!

[Thomas looks at Patton. He stops shaking and starts struggling. After a few seconds, all the Sprites are expelled from him, including Indifference. Patton falls down, unconscious]

IRA: [to the Sprites] Thank you guys, thank you for helping my friend. It’s good to have friends like you.

[The Sprites make sounds of jingle bells as they fly away]

IRA: I love you too, guys. We’ll hang out soon, I promise. [to the Sides, after the Sprites are gone] You see, I spent some time in the Sprites’ world before I returned to you, and in those days I made a lot of good friends, really good guys. I knew they would lend me a hand… or wing, to help Patton. I told you they really like him.

LOGAN: Thank you so much, Ira. You saved us again.

IRA: That’s what friends are for. Don’t hesitate to call me if something like this happens again. I have friends of all colors in the Sprite world. I doubt any Sprite will dare to attack you again for a long time now that they know that you are under my and my friends’ protection. Now I must go, this temporary body of mine is wearing a bit thin…

LOGAN: Loved that Doctor Who reference.

IRA: Thanks, I knew you would like it, Doc. Come visit us at the Sandersian castle some time, okay, guys? It’s been ages since the last time. See ya.

[Ira’s body disappears and he returns to his green Sprite form. Then he flies away. Logan is already next to Patton, sweetly petting his hair]

LOGAN: Patton, are you okay? Wake up, please.

[Patton starts waking up]

PATTON: Lo… Logan? [Patton opens his eyes, notices Logan and hugs him, whining] Oh, Logan, it’s been horrible.

LOGAN: I know… It’s over now. That Sprite won’t be a nuisance for a long time, I promise…

HONESTY: Thomas, how are you feeling now, by the way?

THOMAS: I’m fine again. I’m sorry for the things I said, Logan. You know I would never say them in my normal state.

LOGAN: I know, Thomas. Don’t worry. Can you stand up, Patton?

PATTON: [standing up with Logan’s help] I think so, but don’t let go off me, please. Everything hurts.

LOGAN: I’ll never let you go, Patton, figuratively or literally. Ira warned us about you feeling sore. The pain may be for all the Sprites you had in your body at the same time. I’m sorry you had to go through that. But I think Ira couldn’t think on anything better in such a short time.

PATTON: It’s okay. Ira’s idea saved me. I’ll visit him soon to give him my thanks. The pain will go soon, I guess, and with you by my Side it’s like it hurts less.

[Logan looks at Patton with a loving glance. Then Roman shows a determined face]

ROMAN: Okay, guys, everybody out of here right now, except you Logan.

THOMAS: What, why?

ROMAN: We need to let Patton rest for a moment, of course, and Logan and I are enough to help him.

LOGAN: You and I…?

VIRGIL: Shouldn’t I be the one staying here? I’m his son, in case you forgot.

ROMAN: And I’m his son-in-law, Virge, and I want you to rest too. Don’t worry, he’s in good hands. Come on, everybody out!

THOMAS: Okay… [to the camera] Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals and non binary pals…

ROMAN: Come on, Thomas!

THOMAS: I’m going, I’m going! Peace out!

[end card. Only Patton, Logan and Roman are in Patton’s room]

ROMAN: Okay, we’re all alone now. Who’s gonna start talking first?

LOGAN: Talk? About what?

ROMAN: I’m Thomas’ romantic Side. Do you think I can’t recognize love signs when I see them in front of my face? You two are in love, that’s a fact. The question is when did this happen?

[Logan blushes]

LOGAN: I… I don’t know what you mean.

PATTON: It’s okay, Logan. It’s not like we’re doing wrong or anything. You’re right, Roman. Logan and I are together. It’s been only for a few days but it’s a thing.

ROMAN: [clapping his hands happily] I knew it, I knew it! I’m so happy for both of you… but why are you keeping it a secret?

LOGAN: Well, I… he… I…

PATTON: I don’t want to put Logan into too much pressure. You know how hard it is for him to express his feelings. I don’t want him to get overwhelmed.

LOGAN: Thank you, Patton. This is all… really difficult for me, and I don’t know how to put it in words.

PATTON: So, please, Roman, don’t tell this to anyone, okay?

ROMAN: Not even Virgil?

PATTON: Especially Virgil. I hate to make you keep a secret to your husband, but he is my son. I want him to learn it from ourselves before anybody else. We would have told you and the others eventually, but little by little, when Logan felt ready.

ROMAN: Okay, as you wish. But please, don’t keep the secret for too long. I hate having to hide things from Virgil. He could get mad at me, with reason.

PATTON: I know. I promise we won’t take too long.

ROMAN: Okay, I’ll leave you now. Get better soon, Patton. [sinking down, with a smirk] Maybe you should let your personal doctor examine you carefully…

[Logan’s face goes red like a tomato]

PATTON: Thanks kiddo.

LOGAN: This has been awkward… I feel so embarrased…

PATTON: Are you embarrased of me, Logan?

LOGAN: No, of course not, I never would. If anything, I am embarrased of myself.

PATTON: Why?

LOGAN: I’d wish to be as confident as all of you are in expressing your feelings. I’m not so good on that. Well, that’s an understatement. I’m terrible, and I hate myself for that.

PATTON: If you say again that you hate yourself I’m going to physically fight you! Please, don’t be harsh on yourself. Love is a beautiful thing, but it can be overwhelming for a lot of people of many kinds. You are not alone in that feeling and there’s nothing at all you should feel embarrased of. I’ll be here to support you every step of the way until you figure yourself out.

LOGAN: It is all so overwhelming and confusing. There’s only one thing I’m not confused about, especially after realizing earlier that I could have lost you. I love you, Patton. I love you so much.

PATTON: [smiles] Do you realize this is the first time you’ve said this without hesitating? That’s a new step forward and I’m proud of you. I love you too, Logan.

[Logan and Patton kiss]

#thomas sanders #sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #deceit sanders #remus sanders #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #logicality #romantic logicality #prinxiety #romantic prinxiety #fanfic #fanfiction #aspects and fanfics

5 notes · View notes

jessethejoyful · 6 years

Text

part three bc i’m weak-willed

more of this art school au that is dominating my life tbh

read it here on ao3

BAZ

Class on Monday is an unexpected balm to my stress, and I’m feeling rather pleased with myself when I walk out. The professor was very complimentary, as they always are, but this felt different. Maybe because I’d felt so unsure about the piece. The colors had felt off, and I told the professor as much, but he told me it conveyed something private and almost intimate about me.

Which is cool, but a little scary. I don’t like to convey too much about myself, not to anyone.

Dev had texted me that morning about getting lunch, and I agreed to meet him in the student union after class, where several fast food restaurants had set up storefronts. I don’t have much interest in the food, but I do get myself a milkshake and let myself enjoy it. Meanwhile, Dev sits down with a tray full of fried food, and I try to ignore how the smell makes my stomach twist. My cousin might also come from money, but he never really acts like it. It’s almost refreshing sometimes.

Almost.

“So you ready for the show?” Dev asks, shoving food in his mouth like a cretin. He even talks with his mouth open. “Aren’t you taking like three pieces this time?”

I grit my teeth, fighting down the swirling stress that threatens at the edge of my mind. The art supply store in town is hosting another huge art sale party. I always attend with one piece, and am out of there before ten o’clock. That much of a crowd, milling around and talking about art - nope. My social anxiety doesn’t allow for it. But Fiona was up my ass this summer to do more (“You could be making a mint off these, Basil! What’re you doing, holing up with these at home, building yourself a nest? Don’t be such a coward!”) and I’d finally given in, if only to get her to shut up. I had three large paintings ready to go, but I still felt the nerves like a hot poker shoved into my side, burning me.

“Of course I’m ready,” I say through my teeth. “It’s in two days. Unlike you, I don’t procrastinate everything until the night before.” Dev grins at me, and he’s got a mouthful of food, and it’s horrific.

“Well, I can’t wait to see them.”

I stare at him, straw halfway to my mouth. “You’re coming? You’ve never come to one of my shows before.”

“Thought you might like some support.”

“What ever gave you that idea?” Dev shrugs and doesn’t say anything, focusing on his disgusting food again. “I… thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome, Basil.”

I head back to my apartment, my classes over for the day and with half a mind to take a nap, even knowing how it’ll ruin me later. Usually, I’d spend the rest of the night in the studio, but the sore ache behind my eyes is getting to be too much. And I’m hungry. I’m regretting not eating lunch, especially since that had been the point of meeting Dev today. My cousin had looked dubiously at my milkshake, but hadn’t commented.

In the end, I decide to go to the bakery down the street. The scone Snow had given me had been wrapped in paper with the store’s name printed repeatedly across it and it had actually been quite good, even when it was lukewarm.

When I step inside the cushy space, I immediately regret it, because there’s Penelope, Simon’s other friend, behind the counter. Another potential girlfriend? Probably not.

If I didn’t know any better, I would think this idiot boy is trying to take over my entire life. But it’s too late for me to step out, she’d called out a welcome when the door chimed, so I step over to the line. I stare hard at the pastries behind the glass without really seeing them.

“Basil!” Penelope greets me, and I’m taken aback by the friendly tone. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen you in here before.”

“I’ve - never come in.” I swallow down any snarky remarks, ready to make nice. “Snow brought me one of your scones the other day, and it was quite good. I wanted to see the source.” She smiles at me, and her chubby cheeks push up her garish turquoise glasses.

“Well, you came at a good time. Just took the cherry scones out of the oven. How many would you like?”

“Ah - just two, I think.” Penelope nods and pushes the glass open, wrapping the two pastries in wax paper before slipping them into a bag and handing it to me. “How much do I -?” She’s shaking her head, and I frown at her.

“Take ‘em. I’m glad we’ve a new convert, and I expect to see you in here more often, alright?” And then she winks at me, inexplicably.

“Yeah… alright. Thanks, Penelope.” She looks pleased, and gives me a small wave as I turn to go. I leave feeling oddly warm, if a bit confused by the kindness I’ve been shown by Simon’s two friends, after the treatment I’ve subjected him to. Maybe they’re all just too nice for their own good.

My keys are in my hands, hovering by my lock, when I have an idea. I go across the hall and knock before I can talk myself out of it, and wait. Snow could easily not be home. But then I hear a thump and a grunt inside, followed by a moment of silence before the lock clicks and the door swings open. Simon is staring at me, brow quirked and glasses on, half of his hair poking up like a rat’s nest.

“Yeah?”

I try not to frown as I dig into the bag and take out one of the scones, holding it out to him. He takes it slowly, looking at the pastry and then back up at me, eyes wide. And then I turn away, quickly unlocking my door and diving inside before Simon can get a word out. I shut myself in and lean back heavily against the door, breathing heavily and closing my eyes.

What was I thinking? What the fuck was that? Simon probably thinks I’m an asshole as well as a fucking weirdo now. Not like it matters.

Safely in my apartment, alone, I kick off my shoes and wander through to the second bedroom of the flat, which I’d converted for my use to a type of studio. But it’s carpeted, so I mostly use it for storage, supplies and paintings. The three I’m planning on selling are carefully leaning against the wall, staring at me.

One of them had sprung from an absolute fit, when I’d woken in the middle of the night with the shakes, drank three mugs of tea, and shoved paint across a canvas until I was happy (or as happy as I get) and went back to bed. The other two were from this summer, when I’d spent two dreadful weeks at home, closed into the studio my father had decked out for me three years ago for my birthday. That was the only good part of going back to the family manor. That, and my little sister, Mordelia. I give her a lot of shit, but I’m quite fond of her.

Those two pieces aren’t within my usual style. One is far more colorful than anything else I ever do, with flowering branches and a fading backdrop. The other was a fluke, some error of my subconscious. It was of a kneeling figure, a dancer, in her final resting position in the bottom corner of the canvas, bathed in dim light but with darkness surrounding the edges. It reflected Snow’s animation, and I hadn’t realized it until I was through. I might have painted over it, but it was beautiful, and I ended up keeping it.

I’m ready to be rid of it. After everything that’s happened, I don’t need any more reminders of Simon Snow. There’s no way he won’t avoid me now, and I try to tell myself it’s for the best.

I should make some tea.

PENNY

I’m exhausted when I get back to the apartment. The evening rush was hellish - we’d run out of filling for the eclairs, and I thought the roof was sure to fall it.

I might have been grateful if it had.

All I want to do is rip off my clothes, take a bath, and go to bed, but instead, Simon greets me at the door like a dejected dog, having another one of his stresses.

“He actually came into the bakery?” he asks, following me as I go into the kitchen to shove a piece of cake I’d stolen in the fridge. “Like, he was actually able to get through the door? I thought vampires had to be invited in.”

I look at him skeptically, furrowing my brows. “Simon - what? How is he a vampire? Aren’t vampires pale? His skin is nearly darker than mine.”

“With a widow’s peak like that, you’d doubt it?”

“He can’t help his hairline, Simon.” I’m too tired for this conversation. I continue to my room to put on my robe for the bath. Simon stays in the living room, but keeps talking to me, elevating his volume.

“Was he rude? Did he shove over the other customers in line? Did you see him put poison in my scone?”

“You ate it, didn’t you? You’re not dead yet. If you were, I’d have some peace right now.”

“It could be slow working!” I come out of my room, comfy in my fluffy yellow robe, and stare at Simon tiredly.

“He was incredibly polite, Simon. He complimented the one you gave him, and thanked me by name when he left. I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up over. He’s not out to kill you.”

“He’s a wanker, Penelope! You said it yourself, he’s endlessly contrary!” Simon leans over the back of the couch, spreading his arms at me wildly. “He’s trying to turn all the people in my life over to his side!”

“Simon, for the love of God.” I close myself in the bathroom and flick the lock loudly for good measure, making sure Simon hears it. I hear him groan, but he doesn’t keep trying to yell at me. I turn my music on loudly and start the bath water, sliding in before it’s finished filling and not minding the heat.

I glare at my nails. They’re caked with both flour and clay. That’s the struggle of being a sculptor - it’s all but ruined my hands and my nail beds. I try to let them soak in the bath, beneath the foaming fizz coming from my bath bomb, but I’m too fidgety. I dry my hands and reach for my phone, typing a quick text to Micah to see what he’s up to. Maybe I can convince him to bring me dinner.

Sure thing, he texts back almost immediately. Curry?

Perfect.

SIMON

This new job has honestly been really good. Even if it did take me a bit to figure out the register. It kept honking at me anytime someone tried to put their card in, and it took me too long to realize it was in the wrong mode.

Anna’s been very sweet, gently reminding me of things I forget when I need it. She blushes whenever I ask her a question and it’s kind of adorable.

It’s Wednesday, and we’re decorating the store for the event this evening, another one of the big local sales. Penny has two pieces she’s putting in, and I’m excited to see the party. I know a few of the other kids from the art school will be there, and I’m intrigued to see what they decide to sell, if I’d seen any of them hanging in the halls at school.

I can’t help but wonder if Baz will be there. Baz. Basil. I haven’t seen him since Monday with the whole scone thing. I figure he’s been holed up in his studio, being a recluse and hissing at sunlight, or whatever. I couldn’t help but take in the dark circles under his eyes the other day.

I don’t imagine he’ll be here - that would mean actually interacting with people. Smiling. Selling. I can’t fathom Baz willingly doing any of those things. The thought makes me snicker.

We’re closing up at seven for an hour, so we can all run home and put on nicer clothes. I end up taking a shower, trying to tame my curls to look a little more presentable, and dress in the smart suit Agatha helped me pick out. It’s sky blue, perfectly fitted, and I push the sleeves up to my elbows so my tattoos are visible. Blank ink wings, my designs, on the insides of both of my forearms. The white button-down underneath is well-fitted also, so if I get hot (which I tend to), I can easily take the jacket off and still look nice.

Penny finishes up about the same time, stepping out of her room and coughing. I look up from my phone and feel my jaw drop. She looks amazing. Her normally frizzy curls have been tamed into a sleek braided crown around her head. She’s wearing a deep green, flower-covered dress with a very vintage feel to it, with a boat neck and a natural waistline, and a pair of shiny heels finish the look.

“Holy shit, Penny,” I say, pushing up from the armchair, “you look - amazing. Seriously.”

“Such a way with words,” Penny says fondly, going to pick up the box holding her sculptures. I intercept, grabbing the box and slipping away.

“Uh-uh, no way you can carry these looking like that. I won’t have anything distracting Micah from how good you look!”

“He’s already my boyfriend, Simon, I don’t have to impress him anymore! Give me my stuff!”

“No way! I won’t drop them, Penn, I swear.” She glares at me, hands on her hips. “Penny. Trust me. I would never, ever let anything happen to these.” She finally relents about the time that there’s a knock on the door, and she goes to let Micah in. He comes into the room, raving about how good Penny looks, and I think he must have had a heads-up on her outfit. His suit complements her dress perfectly, a navy blazer with tan trousers, and a tie the exact green of her dress.

I like Micah, but the guy always makes me feel small. I’m not short, at a hundred and eighty-two centimeters, but Micah has to be nearly two hundred.

“Looking good, Simon,” Micah says, grinning at me with his blinding white teeth. “Working man. Congrats on the new job, dude.” He offers me his massive hand, and I grip it firmly, smirking.

“Thanks, Micah. Penny kind of forced me, but I’m glad she did.”

“I’m convinced she knows what’s best for both of us at this point. I’ve stopped arguing with her.”

“That is false, and you know it!” Penny calls from her room, where she’d left her clutch. “You argue with me constantly! About everything!”

“Only to keep you on your toes, babe!” She comes out of her room, snickering and shaking her head, and Micah stops her to press a kiss to her temple as she passes him.

“Ready then, boys? Simon can’t be late.”

Micah turns to me. “Want me to take her sculptures, man? I don’t mind carrying them.”

I shake my head. “No, no, I’ve got them, don’t worry.” He doesn’t argue, going to take Penny’s arm. I step out the door first, and they follow me out, locking up behind us.

When we get to the store a bit before eight, there’s hardly anyone there apart from the selling artists. Penny told me that people who aren’t selling don’t usually show up until eight-thirty or nine, so I’m not really surprised at how quiet it is. Anna is excited to see Penny, recognizing her from last time, and Penny takes a moment to introduce Anna to Micah. I continue on ahead, taking the sculptures to the spot where Penny wanted to set up, carefully placing the two beautiful sculptures on display before continuing to the back room.

My manager is back there, a big man named Alex, and he tells me my main role tonight is just greeting and talking to people, and making sure that the hors d’oeuvres and wine don’t run out. Which is fantastic, because I’m really good at talking to people.

I return to the main room, dazzled by how posh everyone looks, and approach one of the artists. It’s a boy I recognize from school, and Penny and Micah wander up and fold easily into the conversation. When it gets to eight o’clock, the door swings open, and I look over.

And there’s Baz, standing in the doorway and staring back at me, holding three canvases very carefully, another boy following him in and nearly running into him.

“Oi, Basil, go on, mate,” Simon hears the boy say behind Baz, and it’s like he gets an electric shock. He comes all the way inside and goes to set up, obviously used to the routine. I try not to watch him, but he looks so good in a fitted green and black suit (more posh than the rest of us) that I can’t really help it. I give him a few minutes to set up and get his bearings, before I excuse myself from my conversation and start over.

Baz actually meets me halfway, leaving his companion by his paintings, hidden from my view.

“Er, hi,” I say, trying for a smile, and it’s awkward. “I’d actually been wondering if you were going to be here.”

“I always come to these.” I’m startled, then look around the room for Penny, who could have (and should have) warned me. I find her watching us, looking smug. “But you’ve never been here before.”

“Oh. Well, no. I just started working here last week, and -”

“You work here?” Baz cuts me off, and I take a half step back. “Sorry, just - ehm, congratulations. On the new job. I’m in here all the time.”

“Oh! Thanks.” An uncomfortable pause settles over us, in which Baz adjusts the cuffs of his green blazer, a faint blush on his dark cheeks. “Thanks, by the way. For the other day.” Baz looks confused, so I add, “For the scone?”

A slight nod. “Just returning the favor.”

I figure he must be shit at things like this, but he’s actually working to be friendly. I make up my mind suddenly and offer Baz my hand. He stares at it like he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with it.

“How about a truce, Basil? It’s clear we can’t avoid each other, you seem to be basically everywhere I go anymore - and you seem like an okay bloke. Maybe not friends, yet. But not all this bickering. What do you think?”

He stares at me, so fucking cool, like he’s just mulling it over, weighing his options. Finally, like a swan lifting its head, he raises his hand and places it in mine. His skin is smooth and surprisingly cold, but his grip is solid. “Alright, then. A truce.”

BAZ

I don’t know what to do with myself now. I didn’t expect Snow to be at this sale, let alone looking so fucking good in that suit. The color perfectly balanced with his skin and his eyes, it was hard to look away. I’m not ready to admit how badly I’ve got it for this stupid boy, when I don’t even know if he’s gay or not.

We parted ways after shaking hands, which had been almost too much, and I returned to Dev.

“Who was that then?” he asks, having watched the whole unfortunate exchange. “Guy turned bright red when he saw you. Nearly matched his hair.” I look sharply at Dev.

“Did he really?”

“Yeah, mate, I figured he was your boyfriend or something. Or maybe that you two were just fucking, I dunno.”

I nearly choke, but pass it off as a scoff. “Don’t be so vulgar, Dev, good lord. That’s Si-, er, Snow. He’s an animator from school.”

“He sure did seem pretty animated.” I can’t deal with this, and I leave Dev again to wander the floor and look at some of the other artists’ works. Penelope is there, standing beside two pieces that really are quite good, with a black boy who nearly dwarfs me.

“Oh, Basil!” Penny calls me over like we’re friends, and maybe we are. I step over. “Baz, this is my boyfriend Micah. Micah, Basilton Pitch. He’s a spectacular painter.”

I shake Micah’s platter-sized hand, surprised by the compliment from Penelope. I didn’t realize she was even aware of my work.

“Baz. Nice to meet you.” American. A bit of a shock, but I don’t show a reaction. At least this confirms for me that Penelope isn’t Simon’s girlfriend.

“And you.” I clear my throat and step forward to look at the two pieces Penelope is selling, and they really are nice, but I don’t know enough about sculpture to give an educated compliment. “Those are lovely, Penelope. I can tell you put a lot of time and work into both of them.” She beams, and I think maybe I said something right for once. One of them is a smaller bust, with impeccable attention to detail, and I think she might have used Simon as a reference, because the nose and the hair look impressively familiar. The other is a bit more abstract, possibly two people embracing, but the colors are far more aggressive than the neutral grey of the bust.

I continue on, replying with a few quiet words to any greetings, but I keep mostly to myself. I’m painfully aware of Snow bouncing around the room like a hyper mutt, talking to pretty much everyone. I’ll glance at him now and then, because I’m weak, and always seem to catch him turning away, a blush spreading across the back of his neck.

Agatha shows up at some point, and she makes sure to say hi to me (and Dev, who’s awestruck by her), before going over to Penelope and hugging her and the American boyfriend.

I don’t see Snow again for another hour, when he finally wanders over, where Dev left me on my own to try his luck at flirting with Agatha, who clearly has no interest.

Simon smiles at me, shy again, and takes his time looking at the two paintings I have remaining. The flowering one sold almost immediately, to an older woman I didn’t recognize, and who gave me far more than my asking price. When his eyes slide to the dancer, I freeze, remembering where the idea came from. He goes stiff as well, leaning closer to the canvas.

“That’s -” He doesn’t continue, looking at me in alarm.

“I saw your animation reel at the student showcase.” No point in hiding anything now. “The ballerina clip… it was hauntingly beautiful.” He runs his hands through his hair, looking back at my canvas as I continue. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wasn’t really thinking about it when I made this. But I realized when I finished, I’d tried to draw some of the emotion out of yours.”

He’s quiet for a long moment after I finish explaining, and I’m worried he’s going to get mad at me for plagiarizing or something. Instead, the eyes that turn to me are like pools of warm water, flickering under the surface, and I’m instantly drawn in. “Baz, this is - amazing. Really. You somehow captured - everything. All of it.” He looks back at it, and my heart catches.

This is too much of a soft moment for my cold, dead heart. “But the bit after the ballerina - two stick figures having a fight? Really? I was ready to shut the laptop off when that came up and ruined the mood.” He looks up at me, brows furrowed, but the look didn’t sit like anger.

“Two stick figures? What are you talking about? I didn’t put that in my reel.” I narrow my eyes at him, trying to figure out if he’s messing with me.

“Yeah, the clip immediately after the ballerina was two really shit looking stick figures beating the shit out of each other. You don’t remember?”

His eyes widen in sudden realization. “Fuck. Fuck! I hadn’t meant to leave that in! I’d put it in there as a joke when I sent it to Penny - I must have set up the wrong file.” He claps his hand to his forehead, bursting out in sudden laughter. “No wonder you wanted to shut it off! Christ, that’s embarrassing. I can’t believe that shit was playing at the showcase.”

I’m breathless, because watching him laugh is such a fucking gift. A gift from the universe that I don’t deserve. His whole body goes into it, his head going back and his legs tilting. I knew he was an idiot, though. Somehow, this doesn’t surprise me.

“Amazing. I’m almost impressed by your ineptitude, Snow. Such lovely work, and you manage to fuck it up.” He looks at me, ready to fight, but realizes I’m teasing and grins, breathing out a weak laugh.

“That’s me, the inept, lovely idiot,” he chuckles, and I wish I could tell him how much I agree.

43 notes · View notes

thehappymessproject · 6 years

Text

56-58/100 - Open letter to my fellow humans suffering from depression

Hello wonderful being!

Yes, I’m talking to you. I know your depression won’t believe a word of it, but I wanted to begin this letter by telling you that you are so brave, and so much stronger than you think, and that you can get better. Just by reading this, I know you are already giving yourself some love and space to heal, that makes you wonderful and brave in my book.

Recovery is not easy or comfortable, it is messy, as far as linear as possible, but it really does exist. I can promise this to you : I’ve lived it, and I’ve seen it happen over and over.

If this is a really awful day for you, please, keep that reading for later and go read this instead : you’ll find things you can do right now.

I know your brain won’t make this reading easy for you, so I��ll try to cut that letter into shorter sections, so you can go and read whatever you feel like you need or want to read.

Why I wanted to write to you

Yesterday, a dear patient of mine sent me a discouraged email asking me if I could explain to her some things about depression : how it is linked to sleep, to losing motivation, and why it is so hard to keep studying when we suffer from depression. She ended her message by commenting that she is probably “taking advantage of it”.

I asked her permission to make it a text on here, so others might be benefiting from my answers, and it would be easier for me to say most of what I’d like to say on the topic.

I also wanted to write this for me. I had a tough year in many regards, I had a tough few months adapting to a lot of changes, my whole lifestyle thrown off balance, as you may know if you read me regularly. Since then, I have experienced stronger depressive symptoms for the first time in years, and needed to go back to basics. I’m doing way better already, but after that long busy week I had, I needed those reminders too.

It’s not your fault.

Let’s start with this : there is nothing wrong with you. You are not defective, broken or problematic. It’s not that you “don’t know how to do life”.

You are suffering from a disease. A brain scan could show you your brain (which is an organ like any other) doesn’t work properly. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t blame a person from having a physical illness. Please, take an instant to breathe deeply and offer yourself the same compassion here, even if it’s just for a second.

We live in a world that is emotionally illiterate. We all know what emotions are, we just don’t learn how to deal with them in a way that is healthy for us. For a lot of us, therapy is the only place we learn things like this. This makes everyone at higher risk to suffer from mental disorders.

Our world is, on top of this, a very stressful and unfair one, and one that is designed to feed on our fears and insecurities. Chances are you also were raised in a family who doesn’t think sadness is important or who thinks that sadness is this huge awful thing rather than the message it is, who didn’t tell you that all humans get sad, and that it was ok to fall down. They didn’t know and therefore couldn’t teach you either. It is not your fault at all. You did your best with the cards you were dealt with.

What is depression?

You can find how the DSM V describes depression and how the ICD 10 describes it. Both sources are the ones most clinicians use to diagnose their patients. Depression is one of the most common mental illnesses, up to 20% of people depending on where they live will suffer from it. You need to know that you are not alone in this. That it is not about you and your inability to cope or your being too weak.

Depression doesn’t happen in a vacuum though. Nor can it be only about genetics or purely circumstantial. Depression is a big cry for help from your inner child.

You know her. She is the part of you who is full of wonder and curiosity, who could at some point be so filled of joy that she fell like she could burst from it, who wants to believe in magic and learn many exciting and mysterious things, who loves others and know how wonderfully unique each of us is.

That little guy’s also the one who gets heart-broken facing tragedies, who gets angry when our boundaries are overstepped or injustice shows up, ashamed when we do something really wrong or really can’t do something, guilty when we hurt someone or do something bad, disappointed when something important falls through, discouraged when things are really hard... Our inner child is the very core of our emotions.

When and how depression happens

Depression happens when we deny our inner child’s feelings and act as if they don’t matter for too long. If we do, wether or not very good or bad things happen to us, we get depressed over time, exhausted by having fought too much how we felt, we end up feeling empty and like nothing really matters.

When we do ignore that pain for too long, everything gets off-balance. We are triggering our defence mechanisms. Our symptoms all depend on how we function in general and under pressure.

For example, a lot of us sleep a lot when we are depressed, and describe sleep almost like an attempt to avoid living and feeling the way they do. Others, usually when also suffering from anxiety, will have trouble sleeping, often because when they try to go to sleep, they are filled with very unpleasant feelings and thoughts that keep them awake. Depressed overeaters tend to use food to “fill the void” they feel in their belly, undereaters tend to believe they are so unworthy they don’t even deserve food.

Your depression is not my depression, but we are in the same boat

Each depression is as unique as our personality and background is. But they have all one thing in common : they afflict people who avoid their feelings and tried to build a life designed to never feel sad, hurt or frustrated. Almost every depression story I heard started with something along the lines of “I used to be able to feel pretty good, but now I can’t anymore”. That’s simply not true. No one is just depressed from one day to the next.

Depression starts very early in life

Most depressive scenarios actually started very young, when we learnt that there are ‘bad’ feelings, and that they should be avoided, bottled up or numbed. But those strategies only work on short term, and should never be used as regular strategy to deal with feelings.

Unaware of that fact, we get into painful dilemmas, because slowly, we start to avoid certain situations that make us feel those avoided emotions, we start to give up things that are important to us and to procrastinate them. Our world starts to feel smaller and smaller, things seem to get harder and harder. We lose any kind of motivation, and hope.

Everything gets exhausting, even things that we didn’t have to think about before, like showering, brushing our teeth, or getting out of the house start to feel really hard. We feel continuously exhausted from battling ourselves.

Each time we try to do something good for us, our brain harasses us simultaneously with excuses for not to do those things, and to make sure we stop even thinking about it, a collection of all the worse things we can think about ourselves. That battle is why it is very hard to keep a job or study when depressed : we have so little energy left.

Depression is a smart b*tch : here are its strategies

Depression is kind of like our personal bully and anti-coach. If it was only for Depression, we just wouldn’t get out of our bed, and stay there in foetal position, waiting for time passing by until we die, hopefully soon.

Its favourite strategy to make sure that happens : making sure we stay very far away from anything having meaning for us, and any activity involving self-love will be its worst enemy. That’s its job, and it’s pretty good at it.

Depression’s favourite weapon is the idea that things that are our duty and things that make us feel good about ourselves are the most important and have to be prioritised.

It is actually very smart : since we are so exhausted already, and things that are about feeling like we are good, right and strong ask from a lot of energy from us, and their results never last long because we rarely really want to do them, it’s almost the perfect way to end up with a life that feels exhausting and pointless.

I’m pretty sure that sounds like how your life feels like right now, so you can experience yourself how smart and effective that depressive strategy is.

This is why the only way to actually fight depression is to learn to look at it and treat it for what it is : a story. Those awful things Depression is using your brain to tell you right now aren’t facts, they are fears. Things you desperately hope you are not.

Your job and ways to fight back the beast

To recover, we have one job : to do our best to push it back, one step at the time. Yes, it’s a big job. But we don’t have to move mountains to change and heal. Actually, it really comes down to one self-loving action everyday. Of course, not any kind of actions.

The first rule to kick Depression’s ass is to accept the fact that you are doing your best. And by your best, I don’t mean “all you can possibly do until you’re physically and emotionally beaten”. And definitely not either “what you used to be able to do” nor “what others seem to be able to do”. Accept that we are doing our best means accepting that Depression is exhausting us, and we need to take it slow.

To do that, we need to sort out what we actually can do, even if it’s not all that we would want to do. We need to say no to many things : things we think we should do, things others think we should do, or would want us to do, things we said previously said yes to, BUT that makes that whisper “Fuck no!” comes up.

When we feel depressed, it’s a call from our inner child to really take care of ourselves. We all want to love ourselves, but so many of us never act on that need.

An important note : when we fight back, Depression fights back too, often striking harder than usual, the self-talk often gets more violent : that’s actually a sign you’re doing exactly what you need. Otherwise it wouldn’t bother to stop you.

The two types of self-love that will help

There are two types of self-love : restorative soft things that are like little hugs for our inner child, and brave things that we really want or need to do but keep procrastinating or avoiding by fear.

Generally, the more depressed we are, the less we prioritise both. When I say that not any kind of actions will help, it is because they won’t have the same meaning for us.

In depression, there isn’t a lot of meaning anymore in our life. The less meaning there is, the more our life feels pointless. Adding meaning can be done in many different ways and should be prioritised IF and only if you have some energy left.

Doing these important things for us will require some energy and courage. So, we can’t create any meaning in our life if our cup is completely empty.

That’s why we need to start where we are at. Are you completely out of life energy right now? Does even getting up in the morning feels super hard? I remember times when even breathing or being awake felt exhausting. That’s a big sign to start with restorative self-love before anything else.

We need to observe how we feel and what we are struggling with. If we can do that, only then can we plan and take action. Remember when I said that healing starts with one daily action? This is valid for any kind of healing.

Practical steps towards healing : anti-perfectionism in action

We need structure to heal. But not the kind of structure we already know and use, generally to punish ourselves or make sure we are not out of control. Loving structure.

Wether we need more restorative self-love, or brave self-love (see previous section), we can use a very simple strategy regarding healing. Choose one challenge you are going to commit for a week, the simplest and easiest possible. Just a week, more as an exploration, but also a way to get an small win everyday.

For restorative self-love, it should be either a very simple action of a few minutes where we practice self-care if our cup needs to be filled up first, something that helps us relax and slow down. It can be something you like that is a calm activity (reading, knitting, crosswords, puzzles...) or a grounding practice (journalling, meditating, doing yoga). Anything that feels like this and you never do counts. Start where you are at.

For brave self-love, start by answering these questions : - what is something really important for you, something you often think about doing but keep delaying and finding excuses for? It can be about learning something new, starting a new activity, coming back to an old one... - what would be the smallest step you can take in that direction in the next 24hrs?

And by smallest step, I really mean tiny. It should be doable in a few minutes, 10mn is a good limit for that, you may have read from me about those “1% steps” (1% of your awake hours is in average about 10mn). Reask the second question every day if you finish the daly task, or take some more time for it the day after if you didn’t.

Today, with a patient of mine, we set up a 1% step towards learning how to edit videos. Editing videos felt really hard and like a huge task for him as well as something he really wanted to do, but he felt confident about his ability to research on Google and his favourite e-learning platforms for 10mn a day, looking for tutorials and classes about video editing.

After a week, you can decide to either continue for another week of the same challenge, finding a new one, or making the one you chose a little bit harder.

That’s how you vanquish the depressive beast. One small step at the time towards self-love. When we progress a tiny bit everyday, we bypass depression’s most efficient weapons and strategies.

A few reminders for the road

- give yourself the authorisation to suck and to fail : if you can’t do your mini step of the day, it really doesn’t matter, as long as you come back to it as soon as you can. - give yourself credit : make ‘done lists’ every night, writing all you have done that felt hard can be a great 1% step to counter the infamous “you’re not doing enough”. You might feel ridiculous putting down “brushed my teeth” or “went outside for 5mn”, it’s important to do so anyway. Show yourself that your efforts count by celebrating your smallest wins. Depression hate this. - you are not a burden - you are not defective - you are not weak - you are doing your best, be gentle with yourself - it will get better, especially if you take responsibility for your own happiness (everything we talked about in this letter is about this) - your worth doesn’t depend on your productivity at all - you are so much more than your to do list - you are allowed to make your healing a priority over your grades or your job, making healing a priority is completely life altering in the best way imaginable - you can do this - I believe in you - you are loved

See you tomorrow, Love, L.

#depression #mental health #counselling #psychologist #therapist #writer #the happy mess project #100 days project #100 days of writing

4 notes · View notes

malunedyne · 6 years

Note

Espero que ya hayas resuelto lo del antojo de ayer porque te toca responder el ask list dulce 🎂🍰🍫🍭🍯🍮🍩🍧🍦🍡🍨

tarde pero seguro, fam

chocolate: when was your first kiss? when i was 17

french vanilla: how old are you? 23 at the current moment

cotton candy: three places you want to travel to? JAPAN!!!! England, might as well say India

strawberry: a language you wish you could speak? japanese, it would be amazing for a weeb like be

coffee: favorite cosmetic brands? uhh *sweats loudly*

mint chocolate chip: indoors or outdoors? it depends on what we’re talking about ???????

cookie dough: do you play any instruments? the drums, though i’d like to learn to play both piano and violin (and have a never ending interest for bass)

rocky road: favorite songs at the moment? Persona 5 OST, I listen to it everyday ever since January, certainly obsessed with this one

youtube

(maaaaaan, i love Lyn’s voice so much wtf)

butter pecan: favorite songs for life? Guardians of the Galaxy vol 1 n 2 OSTs. Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth)

cheesecake: what’s your zodiac sign? the wild-card Aquarius

toasted coconut: the beach or the pool? beach, there’s not even comparison lol (except for mexican beaches….. i hate them, people are just noisy and dirty, disgusting)

chocolate chip: what’s your most popular post? can’t believe i have to scroll through my sherlockian past's mess to find it, here it is http://malunedyne.tumblr.com/post/88104749810

bubblegum: books or movies? i enjoy both very much but c’mon, i can’t choose. they give you different experiences

pistachio: manga or anime? aaaaaa fuck. dude. oh gods. it depends. about BL, i go after manga because of the lewd stuff, i must admit that. but most of times, i always go for the anime first and then the manga if i really went nuts with the animation.

salted caramel: favorite movies? ghibli movies, bro; 2001: a space odyssey; megamind

birthday cake: favorite books? THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY SAGA, The Hound of the Baskervilles, Shakespeare’s sonnets and Twelfth Night

moose tracks: favorites for manga? Doukyuusei’s saga (I haven’t read Blanc yet but dfkjsdkjsd), Mob Psycho 100 (webcomic, but it’ll count it as manga)

orange sherbet: favorites for anime? Mob Psycho 100, Nichijou, Hetalia, Cardcaptor Sakura

peanut butter: favorite academic subject? gender, social issues, art, jungian archetypes

black raspberry: do you have any pets? currently, a blond cat

mango: when and why did you start your blog? ohh shit, somewhere in March, 2012 (thought i had already stalked periodically a couple of blogs bc i was too depressed)

mocha: ideal weather conditions? warm but not hot, also cloudy while warm (warm rain is my favorite thing in the world)

black cherry: four words that describe you? random, tired, eccentric, imaginative

neapolitan: things that stress you out? procrastination, people’s stupidity and indifference, impotency, life in general,

raspberry truffle: favorite kind of music? i like a wide range from classic rock to ethnic indian music so idk, but i hardly ever listen to music in spanish tho

chocolate marshmallow: favorite brands of candy? ferrero rocher chocolate are unbeatable about things found in the common market

toffee: a card game that you’re good at? cards against humanity, hehehe

lemon custard: do you eat breakfast? barely, but yeah (i must improve this aspect though)

dark chocolate: turn ons? long hairs, knowledge, kindness, interest in art or video games

fudge: turn offs? being a huge piece of shit

peach: how do you relax? i lay down and listen to music or random noise generators

praline: a popular book you haven’t read yet? pretty much all of Latin-American’ greatest books

superman: do you like sweaters? hell YEAH

cherry: do you drink tea or coffee? i like the taste of both

dulce de leche: an instrument you wish you could play? what a name for the ask tho

blackberry: have you ever laughed so hard you cried? oh i have, now i feel sad because that was in my college days that are now long gone…..

ginger: a new feature you wish tumblr could have? fucking actually notifying me when a blog reblogs or posts something!!!

blueberry lemon: favorite blogs? setheverman and usbdongle are p funny; a bunch of writing advice blogs and color palettes are amongst my favourites

almond: favorite mean girls quote? why the fuck is everyone always talking about this movie??? I’ve survived 23 years of my life without watching it and plan on continuing doing so unless it’s actually inevitable lmao

butterscotch: what color are your nails right now? no color. gonna paint them silver and dark blue soon

cinnamon: have you ever been confessed to? yep. 0/10 would never recommend.

blue moon: have you ever had a crush on someone? always a crush, never something actually serious though

cappuccino crunch: do you take naps? now and then (only when i’m too tired or having headaches or so) though i try to avoid them

mint: the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done? telling a friend some real deep psyche weaknesses of mine !oof

brownie batter: do you like sushi? YUUUUSSS -but i like ramen better hehehe-

key lime: where do you want to be right now? in my bed, -not worrying about having to go to work tomorrow !oof-

red velvet: do you wear prescription glasses? nope, but i wear anti-reflective glasses

green tea: favorite flavors of ice cream?

cookie, baileys (man, that shit is so good!!! ), chocolate, vanilla

I DID IT, FAM!!!!

7 notes · View notes

parkminhyuk · 7 years

Note

breathless, cha! eun! woo! and soap!!

Breathless: Do you have asthma Who is your astro bias and why?

Park Minhyuk is an honest to goodness angel. He’s so sweet and soft and precious like have you seen him he’s one of the most adorable human beings to ever walk to earth and his smile goodness smile his smile it could light up entire rooms and cure all the sadness in the world and don’t even get me started on his eyes they’re so sparkly and beautiful and full of light and love and emotions sooooo many emotions they’re like an ocean of pure emotion and always get sucked in because 💘💓💞💗💟💕💝💓💘💗💗💘💞💕💗💕💗💕💝💟💖💞💗💘💓💘💗💗💖💓💕💗💘💖💗💓💗💝💝💞💟💞💝💗💓💘💓💗💕💝💕💓💖💗💝💞💟💝💘💗💖💓💕 and he’s??? so talented??? he dances BEYOND amazing and his rapping is A+++++++ and his singing brings me to tears it’s so so because especially his part in Run l i s t e n I get so emotional listening to run but do you know how many times I have teared up at Rock’y s part? he sang so softly and beautifully and I just 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕😭😭😭🤧🤧😥😥😥😢😢😢💖💕💕💗💓💖💓💖💓💖💖💕💖💕💝💖💝💖💘💕💘😢😢😢💖💓💘💘💞💕💞💘💖💓💖💓💖💕💗💓💗💗🤧🤧🤧💕💗💘💗💘😭😭😭💓💗💕💞💝💘💖💓💗💘💗💕💗💖💘💖💕💗 and the amount of love he has for Astro and Aroha and just people in general makes my heart turn to mush and I just end up a puddle of feels and love and pure 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓 his screams??? are so loud??? this dweeb is always screaming but for some reason I love it I dunno why but I do and how dang dorky he can be (always is) like during Autumn Story when they were doing that Céci photo shoot and the dog was there and Rocky started acting like a dog and pawing the group and when he makes those weird faces at the camera (which he is always doing like he always does it and I love it) and he’s so touchy and cuddly like he always has an arm around on of the other members and is back hugging them sometimes resting his chin on their shoulder like it’s so so cute and soft??? he’s cute and soft 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕 and he’s honestly the biggest meme like Dongmeme who? he always make such dang meme worthy faces like does he do this on purpose or does it just come naturally to him? and his voice ohhh his voice it’s deep and smooth and soft and just askjnklnk my ears feel happy listening to him speak/sing/rap like… I could just listen to him forever 💗💗💗 and he’s honestly one of the handsomest men i’ve ever seen in my life like have you seen this boy??? them dang eyes his cute nose his c h e e k b o n e s his jawline dang his height is so perfect especially for someone so short like me akhjkdnfv his hands are so b i g like they’d swallow mine whole can I just hold his hands for one moment please especially since they’re apparently warm and a little rough? I’m akjnd 💕💕💕💕💕💕 and his skintone? is stunning? like stop whitewashing this boy let his skin SHINE and yes he is really fit good arms great back huge thighs but remember when he showed off his abs during Summer Vibes and got all cute and blushy and did that precious embarrassed smile of his like yes what a time he was such a cutie pie and he still is like Park Minhyuk is one of the most adorable human beings to ever live precious beanie boy I love him and his stage presence is so eye-catching and attention grabbing like he just owns the stage? dominates truly and how intense his expression can get when he’s performing just aknjfvjfnkf I die but then it shifts into a cute little eye smile and my heart melts because how cUTE is he? and then it goes back to intense like boy make up your mind stop doing this to me my heart can only take so much and when he dances he seems so… happy like true pure happiness I mean have y’all seen his Y.Y.Y Vlives like the peace and soft happiness on his face I just… my heart swells he just seems so incredibly happy like yes baby you deserve it be happy and he’s so hardworking like honestly he’s only 18 (nearly 19 and already 20 in Korea he’s a grown man now I cry) but he busts his butt like few people his age even think to he’s honestly a responsible adult even before he WAS an adult just… it’s so admirable. He’s honestly just an amazing human being and I love this dweeb with my whole heart.

‘CHA! EUN! WOO!’: What are 2 strengths and weakness you have?

Two strengths… I think… how empathetic I am and how easy going I am? I’m a fairly chill and understanding person.

Two weakness: I procrastinate and I’m late a lot (usually because I was procrastinating akjnd)

Soap: Do you have a skin care routine?

Nothing really specific tbh. Wash and moisturize mostly (though I usually only moisturize my face >.> idk why my skin is soft I rarely put anything on it). Sometimes do a face mask. I clean out my pores regularly. *shrugs* Pretty chill. Tho I’m fully in love with my face washes. All except one (which I haven’t actually used yet whoops) are the same brand 세아 이야기 (Cleansing Story) and I l o v e them. Especially the green tea one and the white clay one.

✨astro asks✨

#i accidentally typed 'memebers' akhdsd #it suits them #i'm sorry i didn't answer this last night #i was w i p e d #and i knew i didn't have the energy to properly answer why rocky is my bias #but thank you for sending these in #i love youuu~~~~ 💕💕💕💕💕#itschims #smileyrocky #celine #ask game answers

4 notes · View notes

nadoblabla · 6 years

Text

About Me

I bet you already knew from my Twitter (twitter.com/elnado108) that I posted shits on daily basis. Recently, or maybe should I say "usually" , my tweets consist of rage, sadness, questioning myself, questioning the world, practically self doubt and self loathing almost all the time.

Finally, I snapped. Even Twitter can no longer support my overwhelming feelings. "Feelings? Why you use Twitter for feelings?" That's probably what logical people said. Yes, I can use Twitter for good purpose, to share interesting and useful stuffs, knowledge, information, etc. Then what? You see, I am a logical person too. In fact, I use logic almost all the time in real life, so logic that I start to doubt and questioning human nature and their beliefs (I still belief in Allah SWT as God, I simply question the system itself). Then after all these logic starts to bored me and problems come and go, I finally need to rest. I realize I have no one to share all of the pain and happiness other than myself.

Can't believe what I just wrote? First, let's put "parents" and "God" out of equation. Let's become an egoistic being and focus on me for a while. Focus on you. Focus on one single entity, yourself. Try, try to understand my point of view. Let's analyze the last sentence in my last paragraph.

"I realize I have no one to share all of the pain and happiness"

Yes. Let's analyze it (or let me analyze myself) using 5W+1H.

1. What do you mean by you have no one?

-> I do have friends. Most of them are men. I don't have that kind of charm like some of my friends (unsurprisingly, they all are extroverts) that can talk their way with girls, without making myself weird or vulnerable.

As a man, 22 years old, in a third world country that is closer than ever to conservatism, it is very difficult for me to share my problems with my peer. Toxic masculinity, or to put it simple, expectation for a man to always be strong, independent, having huge willpower, and never put themselves in a sentimental/emotional position in front of public. How many of you that told your friends to "don't cry! Boys don't cry! Steel yourself! These are nothing, there are worse things out there!" ?? Even in my campus, my department, my close friends circle, it still happened most of the time. Not only men, most women here expect the same thing. There is nothing wrong with being a tough guy. But it is impossible, yes I declare it with all money on the table, it is IMPOSSIBLE for any human regardless of gender to be tough and badass all the time 24/7. Now when I became vulnerable, when I am down, when I am sad, where should I go? To whom I should talk to?

TLDR, my friends, which almost all of them are male , can't accept my ramblings. Most of them simply give "logical" answer, like how men should, without understanding the underlying problems. The psychology part. The feeling part. Is my logical capacity is too low that I need to ask for others logical answer to my own life? HELL NO. Like I told you from the beginning of this post, I do think logically. And I am fucking bored with it, because no matter how hard I toughen myself up, no matter how delicate my problem solving skills, LOGIC can't solve it. Still not understand what I meant? Huft. It's easy. Every logical answer that most of my friends gave me is something that I ALREADY think about/consider/act upon it. It's not a new or brilliant answer that I looking for.

In the end, I have no one. I do have one/two women that probably can solve my problems, but they've been listening to my problems all these times, that it is simply sickening for me to keep asking for their help.

"Why not solving it yourself?" Some of you may ask.

Next time you are in a deep shit, even if that shit is your own mind, you may fuck yourself. Or you know, you may just kill those psychiatrist and therapist , or blow up psychology department in uni. The next time you meet someone with certain psychological disorder or mental problems, why don't give them a fucking AAA robot that can solve their problems with 100% accuracy. Or maybe, you are weak in science and start to spewing God this and that, you know what? You may be right. Try to ruqyah all of mental patients in mental hospital, give me shoutout if they are "cured". Better quit reading this post rather than trying to give your "number one answer to everything" answer to me. You are not my friend. You are not even on my level, you are low and don't even have rights to see me. Begone.

2. With whom you want to share your pain and happiness?

-> Is it obvious? Human. People that can connect with me not only on logical level , but also understand my feelings. Men and women are all the same. As long as you are not gay.

DISCLAIMER - Skip if you don't want to see me reasoning with SJW feminist gay activist liberals

"Wait! Why gay? You hate LGBT?" Even if my head is full of desire for freedom and happiness, I still can't tolerate LGBTQ++ or whatever that shit is. I do share values with both liberalism and conservatism (in this case, Islam and eastern culture). In short, I trust my own judgement and I don't want to put myself under liberalism/conservatism. I need to be higher than that.

3. Why you can't share with no one?

-> It sounds impossible. No one? For real? I can simply talk to strangers and explain to them all of my life and problems, can I?

If you look back to question number one, you already know the answer. But I do have additional things, that I want to... Add.

It's because even if I do have people to share, people/I might not have enough time. I am busy. Fifth year student in a top 5 campus in Indonesia. Then, even if somehow two/more unique individuals managed to find time to talk, do they actually care?

Several weeks/months ago I have another episode of depression. I share with one of my friend. A woman, as expected. Because man don't have time for these shits. That woman is actually a good woman. But sadly, she is bad in terms of talking on a deep, understanding level. Except when she talk about her love interest. When I shared with her about my personal problems, she seems "fine" until I slip a little detail about her crush, then the whole topic shift to satisfy her desire. It's okay, it is understandable. But at that moment, when I truly need help and in a 100% serious mode, she simply change the whole topic, disregarding the previous conversation completely, not even bothered to talk about it again until I decided to tease her about it. In the end, it will hurts more if the person that I try to trust with my vulnerabilities is simply a wrong, don't-give-a-damn person. In fact, being fake itself is already disgusting.

Yes. I need someone who actually care. Care doesn't mean they instantly become a mother figure. Let's put another example. Back when I was with Nita, she did care. She looked for me when I am missing, she noticed something different in me, she listened attentively. Oh you think I haven't moved on huh? In high school , I spend much of my time with no girlfriend. But I do have friends who missed me when I am gone. Or even if they too are busy with their life, when I am back, they are curious with me.

Now? I no longer have those attention. No warm welcome I always got (not always but yeah) when I entered the class like I used to be in highschool. No more stupid random calls. Indeed, today it's not that bad. But for some reason, I crave for human emotions. Sadness, happiness, love,hate, etc. My life is not like hell now, but it's like a calm water. Nothing happened. Nothing. Nihil.

4. When is all of these happened?

-> By the time problems hit me + the 8th semester (now I am on my tenth). It hits really hard due to my procrastinate habit plus loneliness that happened since I no longer have classes.

If you notice, actually I knew the problems within me. In the last paragraph, I mention "procrastinate". So yeah, stop thinking "Ah now you already understand the problem, why don't you act!". I am too genius. I simply want to talk.

5. Where...

-> err actually I dont know how should I analyze it with "where". So skip this W.

6. How you deal with this, until now?

-> With all of my previous answers, I decided to share it via social media. I KNOW it is spam for some people, I KNOW it is uncomfortable for some, I KNOW it is weird and shameful for me,but what choice do I have? I also plan to do charity stuffs, because I find happiness in other people happiness. Hopefully I am not BS-ing.

It's either I talk/write, or I die of suicide. You think there is another way? Remember, that I ask you readers to put away parents and God, since I believe it is something that I alone should think about, and I am not in the mood to listen/read any kind of suggestion that "use" those things.

But if for some reason you do think there is another way, give me a comment or shoutout.

Meanwhile I know most of you do not know me deeply. I put this introduction at the last paragraph, as a sign of gratitude for your patience and willingness to read this post.

My name is Liu Nado. I am a student in Mechanical and Biosystem Agricultural Engineering department in IPB, Indonesia. I am 22 years old. Male, straight, combination of both Chinese and Lampungnese. Probably ugly, but probably I am smarter than the average human. 170cm tall, 70 kg weight. I am INTP-T, based on 16personalities.com

Thank you for reading my posts. I hope we can be friends. Even if not, if you know someone who are in these situations like mine, please. I beg you. Do not leave them alone. All they need is a place to share. A person to understand.

Oh yeah... I haven't tell you about the problems right? I don't want to make people bored with long wall of text, so I will write about it tomorrow/next time. In the next posts, I will explain to you the trigger of these unnecessary dramatic depression stuff. It might not be the biggest problem I got, but it is the one that push the correct button within me. A "self-destruction" button.

Of course, all of those cocky attitude of mine is just for a joke.

#curhat share depression

0 notes

oracles · 6 years

Note

All of the emojis for the sweet and pure asks

DSJFHFDJKHKFJFFF honestly you’re probably like the only person who cares about what i say on here … thank u .. my savior 💖

(obviously imma put this under a cut .. if it doesn’t work on mobile, i apologize in advance aadhjfdkff since when things are under a cut i tend to write long ass rambling answers)

🐰- do you believe in soul mates?

as an utterly hopeless romantic, i certainly want to. i think because of like … insecurities, self hate and stuff (not to get too deep), it’s a comforting idea to me to like Know that there’s someone out there who doesn’t see me the way i do … but realistically? no. i think you gotta realize that relationships are hard and something you have to work to keep healthy and happy and not as magically problem-solving as soulmate tropes make it out to be. so short answer: realistically no, ideally yes.

💌- diary or journal?

the one i write in is honestly a mix of both, but i think it’s more of a diary. it’s cathartic to write things out when you don’t wanna talk to someone else about it (or in addition to venting to another person) and for the journal aspect of it, i really like looking back on things i did back in the day. i’ve had a diary/journal hybrid since like 2008-ish? so i love that !

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?

ooh good question …. there’s a lot! i think i see bits of myself in a lot of characters so there isn’t any One (1) person i relate to the most. shaw from person of interest keeps coming to mind but maybe i’ve just absorbed parts of her, rather than actually being like her so who knows . jessica jones is another one, in some aspects. i think just from those two you can tell the Type of character i not only gravitate towards, but relate to too

💕- are you crushing on someone?

irl? no, i’m not. i have plenty of celebrity crushes though so i can’t even begin to start listing those. honestly most of the celebs i talk about / reblog on here are most likely a crush . to paraphrase an iconic pisces, yeah i’m a love whore and what about it ??? dfjkdhkjff

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain?

both !!!!! but kissing in the dark may be more ideal so i can hide how flustered i probably would be

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis

💌💣🌙🥀🖤 less of an aesthetic and more so just emojis i like, i feel like

🍼- what is your favorite memory?

oof … this is a really hard question. honestly, i don’t know. there’s a lot of memorable things. i feel like it’s mainly just the lil things – moments that i look back on that don’t seem like much but are really warm and comforting to reminiscence about (sorry, this isn’t really an answer)

🌸- what is your favorite flower?

a more recent fav but i’ve been really interested in diphylleia grayi / skeleton flowers lately. part of me doesn’t even know if they’re like real, but i’ve written a lot about them lately (and ofc listened to the jonghyun song about it) so i’ve had a sort of attachment to them lately. aside from that, i don’t really have a favorite? i think they’re all pretty

💖- have you ever been in love?

a lot dkjfhkjff probably more of a crush / infatuation than anything else in actuality, i suppose, though. platonically in love, however? absolutely

🍰- strawberry or vanilla?

vanilla, hands down

🍯- describe your favorite smell

ironically, vanilla is a big favorite smell of mine. i think i have a pretty sensitive sense of smell so there’s a lot of different things. i also like tea / coffee smells? idk, just stuff like that. which is part of why i enjoy baking, i think

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

1) for more wishes … bc im a gremlin

beyond that, i never know what to say for these questions beyond things i obviously want like world peace, ending world hunger, etc etc. like for personal things maybe … like being happy with myself? bc i think my self-image issues hinder me a LOT.

🍪- cookie dough or cookies?

both!!!! i eat the left over cookie dough when i bake but the final product is always really good too. (cookies, if i had to pick one though)

☕- coffee or tea?

tea !!!! don’t really feel like the coffee type of person (aside from enjoying the smell of it)

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?

a forest with fairies, that sounds absolutely lovely

🍂- what’s your middle name?

it’s my dad’s first name

💫- what is your sun, moon, and rising sign?

gemini sun, pisces moon and leo rising

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?

stay inside in bed with chai. basically just having a lazy day – reading, watching something, etc etc

🍭- how tall are you?

5′7″, though a part of me likes to hypothesize that if my posture wasn’t absolute SHIT my actual height would be 5′8″ (wishful thinking probably, but my posture is bad though)

💒- which show would you want to live in?

the good place was the first one to come to mind but idk about that … they go through a lot of shit and i for sure would just be in the bad place, without a chance of redemption. to appeal my Babey side ……… can i say winnie the pooh or smth (also, im just blanking out on any decent tv show where the universe isn’t one where i will probably instantly DIE in bc of how inept i am)

🎄- what is your favorite holiday?

i often say christmas for this one actually. not because we really celebrate it or anything, i just like the atmosphere around this time of year usually. mostly bc of childhood memories and how fun it was for me then

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

i don’t use any, but probably something vanilla-y so im sure there’s holiday candles that fit my taste

🎶- favorite song right now?

not necessarily a favorite (bc i have a LOT), but im listening to pirate king by ateez right now (thanks winnie)

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?

idk !!!!!!! have a good/similar sense of humor to me, listen to what i have to say (and like ….. don’t make me feel like shit or annoying for bringing up my interests or showing you things i think you’ll like), and uhhhhhh maybe like do cute lil romantic things for me ??? im a sucker for that. esp when people remember lil details about me based off what i’ve just casually said, idk .. it’s bare minimum time i guess. i just can’t fathom anyone Wanting to win my heart in the first place so it’s really easy bc im touch and romance starved

🍩- current mood?

okay ? just kinda here – not really happy but not sad either. neutral. procrastinating

❄️- what is your favorite season?

spring because of my birthday and the weather is decent, i guess. though i’ll also nominate winter

💍- your current relationship status?

what you think? .. DJKHFKF SINGLE of course . when have i ever been anything else

📷- a photo of yourself

absolutely not. though i have posted some before (you can click my name in my description to see this ugly minion mug of mine)

💅🏻- do you like being spoiled?

it’s weird because as a concept, yes i absolutely do but in reality, i will feel guilty and bad if anyone spends money on me at all because i don’t think i’m worth that so in practice, i guess i have to abandon my sugar baby dreams

🕊️- 3 habits you have?

1) keysmashing ? dhfkjffjkf like it’s genuinely so instinctual to me that i have to stop and make myself stop before i type it to locals i know or in emails to my teachers. in a similar realm, is my lowercase aesthetic . if only i could type my essays like this

2) saying and typing ‘like’ a lot. i guess i really AM the valley girl that envi says i sound like ………. tis a sad day. i never really noticed how much i do it till i reread old messages

3) not sitting properly. at school i do it obviously, but at home i most often sit cross legged on chairs or with one leg up or something. gay culture, babey ! the amount of times i’ve been told off for sitting “improperly” or “like a man” .. amazing

and bonus 4) being a dumbass. i just felt the urge to say that. don’t expect me to think or say anything intelligent ever. especially if we’re talking irl because my brain will exit immediately and i won’t be able to put a single coherent sentence together. i sound better online than offline, trust me.

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

i don’t wanna turn this into oversharing emo o’clock but i’ll summarize it in one word … BAD. gremlin and scum are also fitting words. perhaps i have made points sometimes but that’s just after i go to rent-a-brain-cell ‘ r us . otherwise? complete fool . a clown, if you will . don’t get me started on my looks

🦋- how do you think others perceive you?

this is what i REALLY want to know. i have an irrationally strong desire to just know what people think of me. it’s what gives me a self-identity and a better sense of who i am bc idk !!!!!! is my quietness making me look mean ??? who knows ! just how ugly am i actually ???? someone tell me

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

there’s a lot of things and i’m also feeling lazy to list things. but pretty smiles have always been a huge weakness of mine. and perhaps i have an arm kink ….. like not super muscley arms (i.e: body builder types) but kinda toned/defined ones? NUT . (not a necessity ofc, just a bonus)

🍓- one secret about yourself

well it’s not a secret online, but my sexuality i guess? offline, aside from kendra, no one else knows. beyond that, i wish i had something scandalous i could reveal but im genuinely a boring person

🍒- how do you act when you have a crush?

inside im a mess. usually i just like looking at them and going into my Daydream World (patent pending) to fulfill my romantic desires there. outwardly, i don’t do like anything. idk how obvious i am honestly. i don’t interact with them at all, aside from sneaking glances, bc i am scum !!! and also i lack any confidence whatsoever

💔- the reason behind your last breakup?

never had one, so this is non-applicable :/

💬- what your last text message says?

to summarize, it was just me in the gc talking about a song i listened to a lot that i saw in my spotify top 100 list thing and about how i recently realized the singer/rapper was malaysian

🎥- what show are you currently binging on?

currently, im not really marathoning anything exactly ? i guess the closest would be blackish, but i haven’t watched that in a hot minute. i’m trying to catch up on it though.

⛅- what is your morning routine?

usually it’s just get up, brush teeth / wash face, and then change into my clothes for the day and then have breakfast

💗- who do you miss?

who i used to be ……. :( IM KIDDING . ummm idk, no one really? i guess i miss the people i don’t talk to as much anymore, though it’s really my own fault most of the time since im a horrible communicator

🥀- last time you cried?

oof i don’t really remember …… like i get emo a lot but i don’t exactly full on cry a lot? one semi-recent time i remember crying was when envi sent us this one song in the gc and it was just really pure and romantic and i got in my feelings about it. funny how my crying works ……. i don’t cry a lot but it can be brought on by the weirdest, most random things

🎁- when is your birthday?

may 29th !!!!!

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience?

not really either (since im not scared of ghosts, though i do kinda believe in them. like i don’t NOT believe in them, but im also not gonna fight someone who doesn’t, y’know?) but long story short – i got smacked in the back of the head (like it felt like a hard slap) once and no one was there/did it. must’ve been the ghost in our apartment. i joke a lot about there being one in our place but i wouldn’t be surprised if there was, with the random stuff that happens sometimes (mostly things just falling). again im no huge believer in ghosts, it’s just whatever to me but getting hit in the back of the head like that was definitely WEIRD. bc it honestly felt like how my little brother hits me but it wasn’t him so …….. hm.

💤- date someone younger, older, or same age as you?

same age or older (not by a lot), probably. being with someone younger makes me feel weird (weirdly, usually with men. like i’ll be more comfortable dating a girl a year younger than me than a guy for example.. for maturity reasons i GUESS). but it depends. if i like someone within a reasonable age range, then i like them.

🎀- any question you want

you didn’t ask one so n/a (and neither did i in the ask i sent you so rip)

#thank you again !!! :')#userkendra #answered #ask games #about me #long post //

0 notes