#I have ADHD and this is a lesson I keep forgetting

[rainyfdayz]

A post no one will listen to

Hey

Like it's great and all to have background noise, but language processing sometimes just really doesn't work like that I was trying to listen to a video while scrolling here on tumblr and absorbed literally none of it. Drawing, crocheting, knitting, and like, non-language based activities you can do while listening to someone talk but please don't try and write while you're listening to someone talk to you if you wanna absorb the words.

And yeah yeah you can be built different whatever but, maybe give it a shot later and reserve that YouTube video you were gonna put on to learn something for later when you're not writing e-mails for work or writing in general or reading a book. (I might be the only one who needs to know this idk I might be stupid) This also applies to college lectures and classes you will absorb less of the lesson if you are playing a game that requires a lot of reading (any kind dialogue counts) or scrolling on a website and reading. You would learn more if you had an earbud in with music than scrolling tumblr please.)

[sunspira]

also finding out the discrepancy between my other cognitive skill scores and my working memory was abnormally extreme even for adhd people was very validating it definitely points to a more severe case and i had definitely been feeling like how come some adhd people are barely affected by it and some are like me like almost unable to perceive time (tho i'm getting better at this with intensive practice and special neurodivergent friendly tactics but it was never going to be something that i learned naturally)

"Catherine's is 55 points lower" instead of the average adhd persons 8.3 made my jaw drop tbh.

i definitely figured i was imagining it but no it's really um a bit debilitating and serious as a disability and stuff. I know i can come to adapt to it and live my best life but specialized therapy to adapt to the deficit and target the underdeveloped cognitive skills with special training and practice was very much needed and i'm glad i'm doing it now

IQ tests are dumb but i gotta admit being adhd i thought i was a little bit stupid my whole life but just good at school stuff until i was 21 and they had to test my IQ for the adhd diagnosis and the fact that it was a bit high was huge for my self esteem. i genuinely did not believe in myself like that at all i was expecting something very average. and it was healing to know that too since my ability to do school work fell off abruptly in college and thinking that was the one thing i was good at had left me was kinda more than a little scary so knowing i might have some intrinsic good parts of my brain still left was helpful to hear and healing i can't lie

[audhd-space]

Hi. Do you have any tips on how to be productive and how to stick to a routine? I create routines but can barely stick to them, and it's stressful trying to stay on top of schoolwork and other extracurricular activities. Thanks!

Hello, been away to focus on my health.

I’ll try to keep it simple: so a lot of the times people with ADHD fail to stick to routine or have difficulty forming habits is mostly due to our object impermanence.

So taking account object impermanence when forming a routine means :

1. Creating ADHD friendly space at home.

• some people with ADHD have struggles with teeth cleaning / brushing teeth, so what you can do is place it near your bed

• some people with ADHD have problems with misplacing items, so what you need is not to be more vigilant, BUT YOU NEED VISUAL CUES, and place the items where it is EASY TO SEE AND REACH. If putting it in the middle of hallway is easy for you to take it every morning (even if it is odd place), then that’s the routine that works for you!

• same as eating, if you have problems forgetting to eat, having a few snacks/ready to eat food placed in front of you will reduce the amount of energy/spoon you need to take in order to get food.

• some adjustment I made to make my home ADHD-friendly is to have a lot of label stickers (at door, at switches, at kitchen). I also switched to transparent container so my items can be seen and easily found.

2. Your body already has its own routine, you just need to tune in and listen to it.

• What is automatic for you? Observe your one week and track the pattern. What is the best task you have ever completed and why is it so engaging? This is not going to be straightforward, but it shouldn’t be because everyone is different and unique.

• If you have ever felt guilty for playing games while eating, then that’s also how your ADHD brain trying to keep you engaged and focus doing your routine (eating).

• same as if you need to do your homework while watching a documentary or listening to podcast, sometimes adding more distractions can help people with ADHD concentrate better.

• if your body relies and thrives on novelty, then you have to find ways to keep improvising your daily tasks. Don’t feel bad for not being able to stick to routine, you probably thrive more from sticking to your routine from variety of places or working with different people.

3. Always gamify your task and keep it fun.

• this is how I try to keep daily tasks and routine less daunting.

• it sounds weird but do your routine/daily task with the craziest approach you have right now.

• just like in games, it works better if you have a buddy or enemy you need to squash in order to tackle the tasks!

Most important lesson, for me with ADHD, is ACCEPTING THAT I HAVE AN EVER CHANGING ROUTINE.

It is part of how I move, it is part of how I get things done.

[midnightjewel]

☆ 𝐂𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡 ☆

𝚂𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚘𝚞 𝚡 𝙵𝚎𝚖! 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟶𝟶 𝙵𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚂𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚕!!

☆彡 𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝙿𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐬 - 𝐒𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐏𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝙰𝙳𝙷𝙳, 𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝙼𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗/𝙼𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚂𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝙴𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚜, 𝚂𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚎, 𝙺𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐/𝙼𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙾𝚞𝚝, 𝙼𝚒𝚗𝚘𝚛 𝙱𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚔𝚞𝚐𝚘 (𝚘𝚏𝚌)

𝙰/𝙽: 𝙰𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚕𝚏𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝙸 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝙸'𝚖 𝚢𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘 𝙸 𝚊𝚙𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚣𝚎 𝚒𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚠𝚔𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚕𝚢 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐. 𝙰𝚕𝚜𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 ♡︎ 𝚙𝚕𝚘𝚝 ♡ ︎𝚜𝚘 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎!

You had always cared about grades, even when you claimed that you didn’t, you were lying. You lied to everyone about it because truthfully, you weren’t the best student.

Don’t get me wrong, you weren’t nearly as awful as your good friend, Kaminari, but you were pretty close.

It wasn’t your fault, it’s not like you just spent your evenings messing around. You actually did make an effort to study quite often, you tried to do your homework but you had always been bad about keeping up with it.

During your first year at UA high school, you’d been in detention at least 3 times along with a few others for not completing your homework or assignments.

Aizawa being the good man that he is, tried to vouch for you (Kaminari not so much) because he knew your effort was there, it just wasn’t reflecting that in your work, the gruff man unfortunately had to follow the school policy.

He liked you as his student, he really did. Even more so when you started becoming closer to Hitoshi. As the kid’s mentor, he was relieved to see you befriend him.

You were quite outgoing, having matching personalities with Kaminari, and matching neurodivergence’s as well. The both of you had crippling ADHD. I say crippling because it really effected your life to the maximum.

No matter how hard you tried and pushed yourself you just couldn’t bring yourself to focus. Your first year at UA was a nightmare. Grades slipping, staring off into space while a lesson was happening, constantly forgetting your belongings either in your dorm or in the classroom, etc.

Aizawa wanted nothing more than to help you. Despite his cold and unforgiving demeanor, he may or may not have developed a soft spot for you and a few others. He saw your great potential, so he made you a meeting with recovery girl and your parents as well as Principal Nezu and a few of your teachers.

Now in the middle of all of this, it was the beginning of your second year. Hitoshi had now joined class 2-A and you couldn’t be happier. You two had been good friends since the sports festival after you absolutely lost your mind, cackling and pointing at an angry Katsuki when Shinsou said he “Sounded like an ass”

From that day forward the two of you were practically inseparable, despite him being the biggest introvert in the world. You took him under your wing, not literally because he now stood at a whopping 6’2, having hit a growth spurt over the summer. His voice became raspier and deeper of that was even possible and there was just something about him that glowed.

It didn’t take long before your year long friendship became a summer romance. It was everything you’d ever dreamed of. You truly believed in the saying “opposites attract” you and Hitoshi were living proof of that.

Hitoshi knew you struggled, discussing it with his mentor, Aizawa, sometimes when they trained together. The insomniac was driving himself insane this school year. While being new to the hero course, he also had to keep you accountable for almost anything and everything.

He was stressed beyond measure trying to make sure that you remembered your homework, cleaning your messy room, reminding you to do little things, and keeping you focused. He loves you, he truly does! But he wished for it to be easier on the both of you.

Currently, you sat in a meeting room with your parents, recovery girl, principal Nezu and a few of your teachers, as mentioned previously. You were just beyond embarrassed despite everyone thinking that they were helping you.

“So what needs to be done?” Your mother inquired as your father nodded in agreement. What had been discussed was the blatant adhd that you had and how it was effecting your ability to perform well academically.

“Well” Recovery Girl begins “Is she on any medication for this?” The older woman asks and your parents glance at each other. They had always avoided putting you on medications like this, believing that it wouldn’t be good for you.

In all honesty, they had never had a sit down meeting to discuss your situation before, therefore not realizing how bad it was. The reasoning for that being that this was the first time in your life that you had a healthy environment to learn in and teachers who actually cared about you and your future.

“No, we don’t think that would be good for her” your father states, patting you on the shoulder causing you to snap out of your daydreaming and look up at the adults around you.

“Hm?” You turn to your father and Aizawa sighs deeply. He truly believed you would thrive and be one of his best students academically if you just had the necessary medicine to help you.

“Look I think it would be beneficial for her academically, one of our other students is in the same boat as her” your teacher begins “and when he actually remembers to take his medication he is one of my best students”

“I just don’t know” your mother bites the nail of her thumb while glancing at you “She lives in the dorms, we wouldn’t be able to look after her all the time”

“I can assure you, we have excellent staff here on campus that will make sure your daughter is well taken care of” Principal Nezu tells your parents to reassure them.

“What are we talking about?” You turn to your mother and your parents looks at each other knowingly. It wasn’t what they wanted for you but it seemed to be the most beneficial option.

“We’ll go through with the meds” your mother nods reluctantly at recovery girl who nods with a warm smile and writes down the ‘okay’ on the slip of paper to get the meds ordered.

“Meds?” You question your parents and they look at you once more. Your dad sighs before answering “Your teachers think that putting you on medication for your adhd will help you”

“Wait you’re actually gonna let me get meds?” You grin silently thanking your teachers. You’d tried to convince your parents since your last year in middle school that you would do a lot better if you were meditating for your condition, as adhd had caused your life to be chaotic in a way that became overwhelming at times with your thoughts facing a million miles a minute or just simply blanking on important things.

“Well we’re still skeptical but we’re willing to try it for now” they explain and you grin from ear to ear. This was the start of a new beginning for you. You hoped and prayed that this would be the solution to majority of the problems you’d been facing.

After the meeting, you met up with Hitoshi back in the dorms. The two of you sat in the teenage boy’s bedroom and just snuggled in silence. Something the two of you didn’t do very often. Of course, the two of you made time to snuggle up in bed almost daily since moving to the dorms. Not having parents looming over your shoulders, making sure you weren’t under the same blanket, or assuring that the door was kept open was nice.

Having parents who were quite strict was not very fun when it came to having a boyfriend. You thanked your lucky stars that you lived in dorms now and your boyfriend was in the same class as you. It meant that every so often you two would partake in some making out, not too much as you both expressed not being ready for sex but a little kissing and some groping never hurt.

As you had your head on his firm chest it felt weird to be silent so of course you had to break it. You let out a heavy sigh causing your purple haired lover to open one eye and glance down at you. “Everything okay?” He inquires.

“Yeah sorry, just felt weird to be quiet” you giggle and kick your feet against his shins making him smile and roll his eyes. God, he loved you so much it was almost physically painful when he thought about it. “I figured” he chuckles softly and gently runs his fingertips over the exposed skin of your shoulder.

He had never met someone who was so unapologetically themself. Most people being fake and putting on personas all day to impress others. But nope! Not you! You were so shameless and he adored it.

“I’m getting medicine” you start to speak once more while looking up at him through your eyelashes. He furrows his eyebrows in confusion, about to ask what you meant but you continued to speak “The teachers think it will help me be a better student” you say “Cause ya know… I’ve got cool guy syndrome” you giggle, referencing a vine.

“Hm?” He looks at you confused and you burst out laughing “It’s a vine Toshi! Got diagnosed with cool guy syndrome, so now I take adderall!” You continue your fit of laughter.

“You’re absolutely ridiculous” he slightly smiles and pulls you closer to him as your giggles die down. He sighs gently, feeling relaxed before his eyes shot open in realization at what you had told him “Wait a second…” he catches your attention once more and you hum for him to continue.

“They’re trying to medicate you?!” He sounds surprised if anything “For what?” He continues as you trace shapes onto the old t-shirt he wore.

“For my cool guy syndrome” you stare at him blankly wondering if he was even listening to you the first time you said something “My adhd” you tell him “Don’t act like you don’t know I’ve got it!” giggles erupt from you once again.

“Oh trust me” he raises his eyebrows while closing his eyes and nodding his head that rested on one of his many pillows “I know” he pokes fun at you, earning a playful swat to the chest in return.

“Not nice!” You exclaimed, pretending to be offended by his words “I’m so nice” he continues to lay with his eyes closed “Now kiss me” he gently caresses the back of your head

You giggle in response as the two of you begin to passionately make out. This was perfect, you wouldn’t trade it for anything. The warm glow of the sunset through the cracks his blackout curtains illuminating your skin as you climbed to straddle his lap

The kisses were fiery as the two of you swapped saliva, it building up onto your bottom lip and at the corner of your mouth. You didn’t care. The only thing that mattered right now was Hitoshi. As you continued to explore his mouth and lips with your own, the insomniac felt tingling sensations all over his body. He slightly opened one eye, staring up at his dorm room ceiling which held place for a “Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge” tapestry that was illuminated by his bedside lamp. It reminded him of you two.

His eyes rolled back and he closed them as he felt your top teeth gently graze his bottom lip. “mmm~” he hummed in satisfaction causing you feel butterflies in your stomach. It was all too good, the overwhelming feeling of passion and love. And then it happened— the word vomit.

“Mph-“ Hitoshi made a noise as you broke the kiss “Hey, why’d you st-“

“I love you!” You blurt out as you brace yourself on his chest with the palms of your hands. You felt as if a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders. But a new one pulled you back to reality as you saw the baffled look on your lovers face—eyebrows furrowed, mouth slightly agape.

The two of you hadn’t said it yet. Hitoshi was very particular about who he used that phrase with. Less than a handful of people heard it from him close family, and even then, it was rare. He wasn’t the type of person to throw the term around loosely. It meant something to him.

You, of course, being the opposite— told people you loved them any chance you got! Always wanting to remind your friends and family of how much they meant to you. So if you throw the term around so carelessly, why hadn’t you said it to Hitoshi until now?

The truth of the matter was, you’d been insecure to say it to him when you’d caught onto his habits of saying ‘I love you’ afraid of him not reciprocating the feelings just yet.

It’s not that he didn’t want to say it to you, he just had never said it to a romantic partner. You weren’t his first girlfriend— he had been a victim of one of those week long middle school relationships where the couple made absolutely no sense together.

Maybe the same thing could be said about the two of you to those who don’t know you guys or your relationship well enough. He’s closed off, reserved, cold, and melancholic. You’re outgoing, loud, comical, and so unapologetically yourself.

When Hitoshi came to his senses, you were babbling apologies with upturned eyebrows that creased the skin in between them and you looked as if you could cry.

“I shouldn’t have said it so suddenly! I’m so fucking stupi-“

“Don’t you dare finish that statement” He warned, gently scolding— and you looked like a deer in the headlights. This reaction was typical when you said something degrading about yourself, he hated it when you did.

“I love you too” he spoke in his typical raspy voice and your expression lit up as you smiled from ear to ear.

“You really mean that?” You grinned like an idiot. He chucked in response to your facial expression

“Definitely” he firmly states and you grab the collar of the old t shirt he wore, yanking him up to meet your lips— wrapping your arms around the back of his neck in the process while his hands found their way to your ass, groping it.

The two of you proceeded to french kiss, your hands becoming tangled in the wild lavender locks, kissing until you felt dizzy from lack of oxygen. You pulled away, the both of you panting as you caught your breath. By this time, the sun had set leaving the room darkened the only source of light being the dimly lit lamp on his bedside table, the warm glow making him look absolutely irresistible as he panted and looked at you, tired eyes full of lust and love.

“I want things to be like this forever Toshi” you breathe out and he looks up at you from where you were slightly taller than him for this particular moment.

“Me too”

By the next afternoon your medication was ready in recovery girls office. Aizawa had received the phone call with 5 minutes left to spare in the school day.

The classroom of 2-A bustling with chatter as students discussed weekend plans among their friend groups. It was Friday afternoon and the students were excited beyond measure for the weekend.

You sat on top of Hitoshi’s desk while he still sat in the seat of it. He admired the way your skirt rode up your plump thighs ever so slightly leaving the rest to his own imagination. He wasn’t particularly perverted towards you, but he’s a teenage boy with a hot ass girlfriend! Cut him some slack!

Hitoshi’s desk resided right in between yours and Denki’s so the whole squad was gathered around as you all chatted “I’m so excited for this weekend!” You exclaimed “Arcade and group dinner on Saturday and then Ice cream on Sunday afternoon!”

“I know!” Denki exclaims “It’s gonna be so lit!” The electric teen continues earning a scoff from Bakugo who was trying to act nonchalant, having been dragged over here by Kirishima “Nobody says lit anymore stupid!” He spat, mocking Denki’s tone when saying the word lit.

“Just because you have the mentality of an 80 year old grandpa doesn’t mean we do!” Mina retorted in Denki’s defense which caused the group to erupt in laughter minus Bakugo who scowled deeply and Hitoshi who cracked a small smile

“Oop- you got Shinsou to smile!” Denki pointed out earning an eye roll from your boyfriend while the classroom phone began to ring, Aizawa asking the class to settle down while he picked it up “You wish” was his simple comeback making you giggle as you opened your mouth to say something you were interrupted

“(Name), go to recovery girls office” he caught your attention while writing a hall pass at his desk. “Oh okay” you simply respond disregarding that the bell was set to ring in less than 5 minutes and leaving your backpack behind as well as all of your school supplies on your desk.

Pencils, highlighters, a binder and a few papers that roughly stick out of the unorganized binder. The state of your backpack and school supplies further representing the opposites attract aspects of you and Hitoshi’s relationship. His things were all neat and clean while you just left a trail of chaos wherever you went.

“Thanks teach” you grin as you take the slip from Aizawa and walk out the door as he shook his head at your playful nature, a smile threatening to form, you really were one of his favorites.

Just as you stride into recovery girls office the bell rings “oh damn I won’t be able to walk with my friends” you sigh quietly, thinking they wouldn’t wait up.

Just then recovery girl walks out of her office “Is that you, (Name)?”

“Yup the one and only” you grin immediately retracting your statement “Well… I’m sure I’m not the only person named (Name), but I think I’m the only one at this school…” you begin to rant, becoming sidetracked “Wait maybe not..” you ponder some more only adding fuel to the fire in recovery girls eyes of why you needed these meds.

“Okay dear, you’re going to start these tomorrow morning, I’ve attached a note to the bag” she gestured to the brown paper bag with your name on it. “You’re starting tomorrow so that we can keep ordering them and get them for exactly when you run out. It will be a cycle” she explains and you just nod, mind wandering to what your friends were doing right now.

“Mhm okay got it!” You tell her before thanking her for her help and turning to leave campus for the weekend.

Back in the classroom, just as your friends watched you leave with questioning looks Bakugo broke the silence “Well where the hell is she going?!”

“Woah careful now, people might think you care” Kirishima laughs elbowing the angry blonde which causes him to retaliate in his usual nature “Shut the hell up! Nobody cares about that spazzy bitch!”

As the squad was taken aback by what he had said about you, their dear friend. Mina opened her mouth to defend you. However, someone else did it for her “I care about her” he firmly stated “Why don’t you stop being such an ass, and while you’re at it, don’t you dare call her anything like that again” his tone was cold.

“Damnnnn” Kirishima and Sero said in unison while grinning like idiots at Bakugo’s pissed off expression. “Shut the fuck up you emo bitch! Like actually!” Bakugo shouted earning a warning from his teacher.

“Watch the language!” The man scolded in his usual melancholic manner. Bakugo scoffed and rolled his eyes, not having the energy to deal with another phone call home. The last thing he wanted was to deal with his mom being pissed off at him, like more than usual.

The bell rang, as students rushed to get back to the dorms, Hitoshi sat for just a second longer and sighed deeply. Before grabbing his black school bag that sat beside him on the floor and getting up to leave, swinging one strap onto his shoulder.

Your boyfriend just so happened to glance over at your desk and thank goodness he did. The scattered school supplies all over your desk from the assignment in which the class had been instructed to do for the last hour of the day.

Everyone had finished it pretty quickly, walking to turn it in to the basket as you began to sweat when you looked down and realized you were still on the third question out of the seven you were supposed to answer.

As the class had begun to bustle with chatter when they finished their work, you looked as if you could rip your own hair out! You had been growing more and more frustrated by the minute. Hitoshi noticed the look on your face.

“Calm down, I’ll help you” your boyfriend turned to you from his seat, having been one of the first few people to finish and always willing to help you, just you.

As he gently explained the questions to you, it became obvious that you were the last one in the class who was working. Even Kaminari had finished with a little bit of forced help from Jirou. But that was only for the last question, as he was confused about the wording, only needing it to be read to him using slightly different words.

“I’m so fucking dumb” you spoke lowly and harshly as you used one hand to grip at the sleeve of your school uniform top, evidently showing your frustration, something that happened often when he was helping you study. “I hate myself and-“ you sounded as if you could cry. Only Hitoshi heard, he furrows his thick—slightly unkept—lavender brows in response, interrupting you before you could say anything else to bring yourself down. “I don’t date dumb people” he starts

“I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself” he crosses his arms over his chest before continuing “Take a deep breath. I’m here to help, you know I always am.”

And with that statement, you looked over at him like he was absolutely everything and more. He really was in your eyes! “Thanks” you slightly smile before picking your pencil back up, ready to accept your boyfriend’s help.

Hitoshi smirked at the memory, the events that had taken place less than an hour ago. He never truly valued himself until he met you. When he realized what was going on with you and how much support you truly needed he found it easier to value himself. He spent quite a bit of time reminding you to love yourself that he felt it would’ve been hypocritical of him to not at the very least value himself.

He began to gather your things and place them in your filthy backpack that was littered with wrappers, crumpled assignments, broken pencils, etc. He sighed heavily making a mental note to help you clean this out over the weekend. He just couldn’t stand the disorganization, he couldn’t imagine how you functioned like this!

Shinsou hadn’t even realized he was the only student left in the classroom. “She left her stuff again?” His mentors gruff voice echoed through the empty room as he typed away on his computer while drinking a cup of coffee to keep himself at least functioning.

The teen sighs heavily “Yeah, it’s not her fault though” he shows understanding, compassion if you will. It’s something that Aizawa never used to see from his mentee. He couldn’t help the slight smile that burned at his facial features, threatening to become more than small. It was hard not to.

Since last year when he began preparing Shinsou for the hero course in secret, he noticed the boys cold demeanor. Never showing much emotion. That was until you came along, it was like a switch flipped. Call Aizawa crazy but he thinks that all Hitoshi needed was a friend. A true friend, someone to keep him company. You were just that for him at the time.

During the blossoming of your friendship with the insomniac, the mentor noticed a shift in mood from the boy. He seemed to appear more confident and relaxed. Now, since school had let out for the summer, Aizawa didn’t do much training with his mentee, already assuring that he was in the hero course. They only met up once a week for minor training of the scarf work.

During this period of time he caught Hitoshi on more occasions than one smiling at his phone before and after sessions. Aizawa wasn’t one to be nosey but he cared about Shinsou, having grown exceptionally close to the boy. He wonders who or what was making him smile so often.

Then he realized. You were waiting outside for your now boyfriend when he finished his workout. And the two of you proceeded to walk down the street to the boba shop off campus hand in hand. Despite the straight faced look he had in that moment, it warmed him to know that two of his favorite students were happy together. As a teacher, there was no better feeling than seeing your students happy. (Guys this is where I realized I’m yapping and I have no idea where the rest of this story is going lmfao bare with me)

As you walk out of recovery girls office, playing some dumb TikTok video on your phone you completely disregarded anything being in your way as everyone had already left the building for the weekend.

However, you were incorrect. As you double tapped to like a video you ran smack dab into someone’s back “oof-!” The person said

“Oh sorry! I-“ you look up after coming to and recognizing that wild lavender hair anywhere! “Pfft! Hitoshi why’d you make that sound!” You begin to crack yourself up replaying the noise over and over in your mind.

“Yeah yeah, so funny” he playfully rolls his eyes as you begin to walk off ahead of him “Come on Toshi, let’s go back!” You excitedly say

“Ahem!” He clears his throat and you turn to look over your shoulder “Hm?” You hum in confusion

“Forgetting something?” He raises an eyebrow

“No!” You respond quickly “Not this?” He holds up your school bag and you slap your forehead with the palm of your hand “Oh my gosh what would I do without you Toshi?!”

“I don’t even want to begin to think about you not being with me” he intertwines your fingers to hold hands as the two of you walk back to the dorm building

Fast forward to the next morning. You walked into the common room kitchen and dining area, completely groggy and unaware of your surroundings, still waking up. You could have stayed in bed longer but the pangs of hunger in your stomach cared to disagree. So you decided that you would quickly come down and have some breakfast and if you were still tired after that, you would most likely be going back to bed.

The clock on the coffee machine —that Bakugo insisted the class had to have— read 9:03 am. You yawned as you reached for a bowl. Hitoshi had bought you some Açaí mix earlier this week and you were stoked to have it!

As you put the desired amount of mix and toppings in your bowl you happily stride over to the one of the empty tables. You were the only one down here at this time. Students either sleeping in or already out training. You were the type to train in the late afternoon or night. Not ever feeling up to the idea of working out first thing in the morning.

As you sat at the table alone you drummed your fingertips against the wood with your free hand while the other focused on eating. The bowl was absolutely delicious, you made a mental note to remember what you put in here for tomorrow morning.

You sighed as the silence of the room felt awkward. You could hear the air conditioning system going in and out and there was a slight ringing sound to the air. Just as you began to pay attention to your surroundings the elevator door dinged signaling the arrival of another classmate. You turned with a smile, happy to have someone to talk to! And by luck, it was the one person you always wanted to see.

“Good morning Toshi” you wave at your boyfriend and he gives a halfhearted, tired wave back. You can guarantee he didn’t get much sleep last night so he’s probably exhausted this morning like usual. You knew of his insomnia and early on in your friendship, you often tried to power through the night and stay with him but you always seemed to fail, waking up the next morning to your alarms pretty much well rested while your friend looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

You took his insomnia seriously before, but even more so now that the two of you were dating. “Did you sleep last night?” You curiously ask, turning around in your chair as your boyfriend grabbed an apple from the fruit basket on the counter and started brewing coffee.

“I think you know the answer to that” he starts chucking and you nod in understanding “Sorry I fell asleep so quickly last night” you tell him “ I know I should stay up with you I was just exhausted” you try to explain but he shuts it down quickly

“No need to worry about me” he tells you “if it makes you feel any better I got 45 minutes of sleep” he reassures you

“That’s not enough but I’ll take it!” You grin and he looks over at you with a smirk before grabbing his ‘eraser head’ mug from the cabinet to pour the warm coffee into the ceramic mug. He opted to put just a bit of vanilla creamer into the drink to sweeten it up just a bit.

The two of you chatted for a bit as the common area started to house more students as they came down for breakfast or came back from training sessions. “Well I should probably clean up” you look down at your plastic bowl with the stains of açaí.

“Don’t forget your medicine” he rubs his thumb over the back of your hand and your expression lights up “Oh yeah! I totally forgot!” You smile as you pick the bowl up and head to the sink with it. You rinse the dish before putting it into the dishwasher and then proceeding to grab the brown bag with your name out of the medicine cabinet.

You ripped the paper open and took out the orange bottle of medication with your name on the label. After preparing yourself a glass of water you downed the pill with ease, dumping out the remaining water and putting the cup in the dishwasher when you were done.

—————

After an eventful afternoon at the arcade with your friends and boyfriend. The group all settled into a circular booth at a chill restaurant that you all often liked to frequent. The menu had a variety of comfort foods that everyone could enjoy and the atmosphere was a fun vibe.

“I might go for the pizza this time” Denki makes conversation as the group looked over their menus “Yeah right dude” Sero gently punched his friend in the arm “You say that every time and you always get the ramen!” he laughs making the others laugh as well. (A/N: Guys I suck at dialogue scenes forgive me lmfao)

As you continue to laugh at the squad’s antics— like you had been doing all afternoon— you notice a slight pang of nausea that fulfills your senses. You stop your breathless laughter and opt for a smaller giggle and smile in the moment. This doesn’t go unnoticed by your boyfriend or your friends, however, they don’t think too much of it as you can’t just sit and laugh forever.

You swallow thickly as the fatigue begins to wash over your muscles. It isn’t unbearable but it wasn’t something you usually felt until you were in bed and ready to fall asleep.

As the drinks are sat in front of you, you soon begin to regret choosing a fizzy sugary drink. You look over at your boyfriend— who opted for a cold glass of water— and eyed him as he took a sip. (A/N: If that made you thirsty DRINK SOME FREAKING WATER!!)

“Can I have some?” You lowly ask him and he glances at you with his lavender eyes through thick, furrowed brows of confusion. “Sure..?” He continues the look of confusion as he slides the glass a few inches over to you. You take a small sip, feeling a bit relieved as the ice cold water enters your system. The fatigue, however, still present in your system as well as the noticeable nausea.

“Have the rest” he tells you as the group continues to chat amongst themselves “I’ll order another one” and you nod as you rest your cheek on the palm of your hand and try to just listen to the conversation at hand.

As it came time to order food you couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the menu. Nothing looking appeasing anymore. It was strange, this was one of your favorite places to eat and you’ve tried all of your favorite food items that were offered here at least once.

As the group but their order in on the kiosk that sat on the table it finally got around to you and Hitoshi to put your food on your part of the bill. Your lavender haired boyfriend opted for some soup dumplings and a small order of ramen.

“Pick whatever you want” he gently smiles at you as your eyes glance at him. As you scan your eyes over the screen and all of the photo options that were offered you had ultimately decided you weren’t hungry. Not wanting to voice that to everyone— knowing they would make a big deal of it and repeatedly ask you what was wrong— you just closed you and Hitoshi’s ticket and passed the kiosk to Denki, who happily accepted it. “Thank you, sparks” he grins

“Yeah, take it easy” Hitoshi glares at him and the nickname he gave you, earning a laugh from the electric teen before turning his attention to you.

“You didn’t get anything” he tells you what you already know and you just shrug in response to him, not having much to say as you lean your back onto the booth, slouching, you knew Bakugo would be on your ass for it as soon as he got back from the bathroom.

“ ‘m not very hungry” you hum earning a concerned look from your boyfriend. “You feeling okay?” He presses the back of his (A/N: very attractive) hand to your forehead, and then your cheek, plumping it to crease your eye slightly up as he presses to the skin. “You’re not warm at all” he mumbles to you. “What’s g-“ he was interrupted

“Okay! Everybody ordered?” Mina asked as she was about to print the ticket to take it to the counter with Sero. Everyone nods and tells her they have. You saw Shinsou open his mouth to begin to tell her that you had not but the way you slouched, the way you looked as if you wanted to to be left alone, he knew that you didn’t need to be forced to eat anything— no matter how much he hated the idea of you being hungry— he knew that if you came around you could always order something to go or pick at his food.

By the time the food was all prepared and brought to the table, the squad had undoubtedly noticed that you had nothing in front of you. Bakugo, surprisingly, was the first to call it out.

“Where’s your fuckin’ food?!” He glared at you, he had a pretty poor way of showing it, but this was how he showed that he cared. You didn’t say anything, not noticing he even said anything to you. His words caught the attention of the table.

“Where’s your food?” Sero questioned

“Did you order something?” Kirishima inquired

“Are you hungry?” Denki stared at you with eyes as big as saucers, usually the two of you absolutely obliterated the food from here, often pacting together last year to order a bunch of different entrees and appetizers and split the bill.

“Maybe they missed it! I’ll go check-“ Mina began to get up before Hitoshi spoke up “She’s not hungry she said” he gave her a look that said ‘I don’t know what’s going on’ while slightly shrugging his shoulders. She understood and sat back down before looking over at you with furrowed —perfectly plucked— eyebrows

You sat in the corner of the booth, knees to your chest and you leaned your head, sideways, onto the back platform that connected the booth to the wall with your eyes closed. The only way they knew you weren’t sleeping was by the knit in your eyebrows. You looked like you were in pain.

“You okay?” Kirishima asked and you lifted your head up and nodded a reluctant ‘yes’ before verbally answering him “Yeah, my stomach hurts” you sigh as you look at the squad eating their variety of foods that they ordered. All kinds ranging from Chicken Tenders, Salads, Pizza Slices, Ramen, Dumplings, Etc.

Were you hungry or not feeling well? Or did your stomach hurt because you were hungry? You didn’t even know what to think. Why did you even feel this way?! You almost never felt like this!

“Then you should eat something, stupid” Bakugo retorts after swallowing a mouthful of ramen. You shook your head with a sigh and leaned it onto your boyfriends sturdy shoulder. He turned his head in surprise at the sudden contact. His expression softened when he saw your face, the tired look on your features, a look that wasn’t normally there.

You just shake your head ‘no’ leaving Bakugo to scoff and return to his food, scowling at your sudden stubbornness. Typically when he told you to do something you said something along the lines of “Aye-eye captain” or “You got it boss man” while wither saluting him or clicking your tongue with finger guns. He thought it pissed him off, but now he was even more upset at the fact that —one— you were being stubborn. And —two— you just told him no.

By the end of dinner you were ready to either puke, collapse in bed, or both. You used Hitoshi for support walking out of the restaurant as you yawned. As soon as the group was in the parking lot your boyfriend, being the impressively strong gentleman that he is, picked you up and opted to carry you to his car, sying his goodbyes to your friend group for you despite the fact that you were all headed back to the same place.

Well, minus Denki and Sero. The two fools were going gas station hopping. Normally you’d beg Hitoshi to tag along as the three of you set out on a side quest, not afraid of curfew. You’d drag Hitoshi into Sero’s car, drive to all kinds of late night convenience stores and gas stations and drink endless slushes and eat god awful amounts of junk food (I should make a separate fic of that)

And when it was all over, Denki and Sero would go try to catch fish off of a bridge that sheltered a small stream below with a small kids fishing pole that they found on the side of the road one night. All while you and Hitoshi made out in the back seat of Sero’s ‘67 Camaro.

Gosh, you wanted nothing more than to partake in those nightly adventures now. But the nausea that sat in the pit of your stomach screamed at you to just get in the passenger seat of Hitoshi’s car and just curl up and die.

I mean, not to be dramatic or anything but you felt like you could die. Okay so you were definitely being only slightly dramatic. It’s just some fatigue and nausea. Wait, you’re afraid of throwing up… okay now the panic can set in.

As your boyfriend gently set you down so you could stand on the concrete he opened the door for you like the gentleman he always is. He helps you into the car and says a quick “buckle up” referring to your seatbelt before closing your door and walking to the drivers side.

“You okay?” He simply asks you as he tries to get you two back to the dorms as soon as possible. He was worried about you. It wasn’t typical for you to get sick, not around this time of year at least. You just nod and reassure him with a simple “Mhm” as you lean your head on the cool glass of the window. He wasn’t buying what you were selling…

As soon as the two of you entered the parking lot of the heights alliance he parked in the closest student spot he could find and then —again, like the gentleman he is— he carried you all the way into the 2-A dorms building and all the way up to your room. The whole time you just leaned your tired head into his shoulder, ignoring the passing glances and questioning whispers of your peers.

“You must be coming down with something” he ponders as he opens your drawers to find you something to wear to bed. “I don’t think so, I just feel tired and a little nauseous” you brush it off like it was fine.

“Right…” he narrows his eyes at you, speaking in a confused tone that said “I don’t believe you”. Hitoshi was fully convinced that you were coming down with some kind of stomach bug. What else could be making you feel this way..?

The next day was no different. You woke up fine, ate breakfast, took your medication, and showered to get ready for the ice cream adventure your friends were planning.

Around 11:30 was when you started to feel sluggish again. You sat on the couch playing Mario Kart with Denki and Mina when it overtook your body.

Hitoshi was lazily sprawled out on the couch while you were beating Denki by a long shot. Mina was up next to play the winner “Denki looks like you’re gonna have to give me that controller!” Mina poked fun at him and he visibly pouts.

“Not fair” he whined as you, in first place came around the track and knocked him off a cliff. He was already in 12th place and a whole lap behind you and all of the bots. “Hey!” He frowned, mouth agape and eyebrows knitted together in frustration and betrayal.

“Sorry Denks’ “ you giggle and complete the race — the feeling of fatigue washing over you—

“Give me the controller Denki!” Mina argued with him like they were siblings “No way! She picked a hard map on purpose!” He counters back as they continue to bicker

“Stop being immature and give her the controller” Shinsou moderated the fight as if he was their babysitter

“I’m gonna go lay down” you simply state as you feel the sluggishness take over your muscles “I’m tired” you tell them and they look confused. This is what you did at dinner last night, moved slow, talked in the same melancholy tone. It was getting weird. Especially considering that you were just fine a few minutes ago.

“Aw why?” Denki complained and you shrugged “I don’t know I just don’t feel good again” you state as you make your way to the elevator, Hitoshi scrambling to get off the couch and follow you. This whole event leaving Mina and Denki very confused as they exchange glances.

You ended up crashing on Hitoshi’s chest, sleeping for hours that afternoon while he just opted for watching videos on his phone, rubbing your back gently as you slept.

He didn’t want to question you about it, as he figured maybe it was a hormonal girly thing he didn’t know about. He didn’t want to ask out of the fear of embarrassing you or something. He knew that if it really mattered you would tell him. Of course, he knew what a menstrual cycle was, but you normally didn’t act this way when on your period. So, he figured it was something different that happens to girls.

You ended up skipping ice cream that afternoon while you slept, leaving your friends to also think that you were coming down with a cold or stomach bug. They were just as confused as Hitoshi was by your sudden change in sleep and behavior.

The following weeks were interesting to say the least. Still, you followed your morning routine with the help of Hitoshi. Wake up well rested, excited to start the day. Eat something before taking your medication, get ready for the day and then off to school. And just an hour or so before lunch you’d lose your appetite and become horribly exhausted. More often than not spending your lunches napping in recovery girls office.

Hitoshi never minded, he would just sit beside your bed in a chair, covering you with a blanket, and scrolling through his phone while eating whatever he brought to snack on for lunch.

Recovery girl had questioned you on your sleeping habits once when you first started coming into her office for naps. You simply shrugged and blamed it on poor sleeping patterns assuming that your body just required more sleep at this point in time.

It wasn’t just the mid day naps that had your friends confused. It was your dullness. You rarely joked around anymore, mostly slightly laughing or smiling at their shenanigans or not at all. You just couldn’t find the energy to be humorous anymore which was awful in your friends opinion. But you didn’t notice and couldn’t help it, so focused on how exhausted you were all the time.

Every day after school (even if you had a mid-day nap) you would trudge up to Hitoshi’s room and either sleep on his bed while he was out training or studying at his desk, or you would sleep soundly on his chest while he rubbed your back like he always did.

Hitoshi didn’t mind that you were suddenly so tired all the time, he could never blame you for something that you obviously couldn’t help. Although, he missed the eccentric conversations the two of you would have every day after school while snuggling. Yes, he missed making out with you but nothing could compare to your wild and “all over the place” conversations that you would have with him.

Now you were just dull. You barely said anything before completely crashing after school and sleeping for endless hours until he either carried your sleeping form back to your room or you woke up and he walked you to your room while tucking you in bed for the night.

And when you were awake and aware it’s like you were on another planet. Often just looking around the room, not focused on the conversation or you were hyper focused— just staring and barely making conversation.

There was something going on with your body. He just couldn’t figure out what could’ve been wrong. However, you started to figure it out. Ever since you’d been taking the meds you’ve been like this. It had to be the medication that was messing you up!! The only problem was, you were afraid that if you told someone what was going on you would have to be off of them and you would go back to being annoying and off task all the time.

You were able to focus better in class which, in turn, made assignments and homework easier. How did you get homework done when you were sleeping all the time? Simple, your sleep schedule is so fucked that you’ve been involuntarily waking up at 5am every morning, unable to sleep again. Also, it’s rare that Aizawa hands out any homework.

So, despite you feeling sick and miserable all the time your grades were showing some slow but steady improvement. Your parents and teachers were so pleased with your academic performance these past few weeks they made points to complement you. Even if you were at a C-B average, they made a point to let you know that they were proud of you. That felt so nice, you’d never been complemented on your academics before!

Despite that, things seemed to go just a bit downhill. You couldn’t quite achieve anything higher for your grades due to the fact that you were barely hanging on in class, on the verge of falling asleep nearly every day by lunch time.

That just so happened to be your science course hour with Aizawa. And if that wasn’t bad enough, you were not the best at science this year. You’d been okay before with minimal understanding, science got more and more difficult every year. You were always fine with the stupid “solid, liquid, gas” bs. And now that they’ve added some math..? You’re screwed!

As you sit, blankly staring in front of you, forcing yourself to keep your eyes open Aizawa is yapping on and on about some kind of formula that you should know for the exam tomorrow.

Wait..? Exam?! Tomorrow?! Your brain is suddenly on overdrive. When was the last time you’d even studied for science?! You guys hadn’t had a test in months! And even then, you didn’t study for them! This reflected on your scores that you would receive in this test.

As you were internally panicking the lunch bell rang, saving you from this horribly bright classroom, off to recovery girls office you went! As you packed your bag alongside your other classmates, majority of them had already shuffled out of the classroom.

“(Name), come here for a second” Aizawa called you over to his desk. Hitoshi looked questioningly, at you before you waved him off. “Go ahead Toshi, I’ll be right there” he knew you were referring to the nurses office where —as mentioned previously— he would sit in a chair beside your bed while you slept and gently rub your back so you could doze off, like he always did for you.

“Okay I’ll see you in a bit” he waves before saying bye to Aizawa and walking out the door of the classroom. You hastily approached your teachers desk and he gave you a longing stare as he took in your appearance. You looked different, and not in a good way. He had been so busy these past few weeks — especially with exams coming up— he hadn’t truly been paying attention to the little things.

“You know that you need to pass this exam in order to meet grade level standards this semester right?” He questions and you hesitantly nod “Well I didn’t know all that, but I’ve got this” you give him a reassuring, yet tired smile.

“Okay” he said quietly resting his chin on his palm. He took one more glance at you before asking “Are you feeling okay?” He leans back in his chair.

“Yeah I’m fine” you shrug “My sleep schedule is just off right now. So I’m just a little tired” you smile but he sees the way it falters.

“Get some rest tonight” he simply states “You’ll need it for your exam in the morning”

“Thank you, sensei” you wave before turning and walking out the door, down the long hallway, down the stairs, and to the right.

In the nurses office Hitoshi was already waiting in a chair, snacking on some chips. “Napping again?” Recovery Girl calls from her office “That’s the third time this week!” She exclaimed

“I know, I’ll fix my sleep schedule this weekend!” You reassured her “Very good dear” she smiles at you. That was your queue to go crash on the bed for lunch hour.

You laid down facing away from Hitoshi, curling up into a ball as he covered you up with a blanket. “Get some rest sweet girl” he rubs your back and you’re out like a light.

The rest of the day was no different. You woke up feeling better, got through most of the day and by the end of your last class, you were ready for another nap. Although, you knew you had to study for your exam in the morning, so maybe you should just stay awake this afternoon.

As the bell rang, you were quick to pack up your stuff. Until you were interrupted by Denki “Hey sparks, we’re all gonna do a group study sesh if you’re interested!” He exclaimed referring to Mina, Kirishima, Sero, and himself.

“Bakugo’s not helping?” You cock an eyebrow wondering who in the world was gonna keep them focused if he wasn’t there.

“Nah he’s mad at us right now!” He exclaims referring to an incident that happened at lunch the other day. But how would you know that? You were sleeping. This was how you realized you hadn’t been spending any time with your friends lately.

“Since when is he mad to the point of not talking to anyone, not even Kirishima..?” You ponder to the blonde and he shakes his head

“Nah I called him a colossal back at lunch on Tuesday because he got up to get more snacks and he got so pissed!” Denki cackles just as Hitoshi comes up and puts a gentle hand on your shoulder. You tilt your head back, looking up at him. “Oh hey Toshi!” You softly smile

“You ready to go?” He asks and you nod “Should we go to the group study session my friends are having?” You ask him and he shakes his head no. “Meh, you do it if you want but I prefer studying alone” he shrugs his shoulders

“You study with me all the t-“ you knit your eyebrows “Let’s go!” He speaks quickly before ushering you out the door

“I’m a little tired but maybe I’ll come down for a bit!” You tell Denki before he nods and dashes off to meet up with Sero who was walking a ways in front of you.

“ ‘m gonna chill in my room for a bit before studying” Hitoshi tells you upon entering the elevator at the dorms “You wanna come or are you gonna go study?” He turns his head to you as you press the button to your floor.

“Yeah, I’m gonna change then go down” you smile at him and he nods “Alright then, I’ll see you later” he kisses your lips before walking out of the elevator as this was his stop.

You don’t know how long it had been. The last thing you remember was laying down on your bed. You woke up in a cold sweat, it was dark outside.

You quickly check your phone, blinking harshly to adjust to the light of the screen. 12:34am

Followed by texts from various friends

Mina🎀

Hey girlie! No pressure but we’re downstairs studying if you wanna join!

Denki 🤡

We’re ordering pizza if you wanna come down :3

Sero✨

Pizzas here if you want some before Bakugos big back ass eats it all

Kiri🪨

You doing okay? You’re probs sleeping so I don’t wanna bother you

Toshi💜😻

Come over if you’re awake, I miss you!

I love you!

Yeah you should probably be sleeping, I’m sorry you’re so tired lately. I wish I could help!

You know I’m always here if you wanna talk to me

You blink. You’d been asleep for 6 hours, now feeling wide awake, you began to let the panic set in as you remember the exam tomorrow.

“Oh fuck!” You hiss, moving to grab your backpack and turn on your desk lamp. Pulling out your science book, your laptop and your notebook you began to crack down on studying, now your adrenaline was pumping.

You do have to admit, scared studying is the most efficient for you. It really made you crack down and focus. Plus, it helped that it was late at night and the only person probably up at this hour was Hitoshi, and he thought you were still sleeping so he probably wouldn’t text you, leaving the distracting phone buzzing to a minimum.

By the time you were able to confidently retaliate the information that was in the study packet of the exam it was 4:35am.

You were fighting to keep your eyes open as they felt heavy and they hurt. But you were so proud of yourself. You were confident about the material on the exam! Is this what Iida and Yayomomo felt like?! It felt great! Mentally at least…

Physically, you fell into bed, covered yourself up, clung onto your favorite stuffed animal and it was lights out.

You woke up to your 7:00am alarm feeling like crap. That’s what a rigid sleep schedule will get you. Groaning as you stretched after shutting the blaring alarm off.

You trudged to the bathroom, did your business and washed your face before walking out of your room and downstairs to eat some breakfast and take your medicine. It wasn’t hard to remember as it became apart of your morning routine.

You were met with a few early birds. Just Iida coming back from a run and Uraraka, eating some rice and eggs.

You grabbed a fruit juice bottle out of the fridge as well as some rice, heating it up before sitting at an empty table. You texted Hitoshi letting him know that you were downstairs eating.

Almost immediately he hearted the message and was down in the common area within a few minutes. Hair a mess, eyebags prominant from his insomnia, a big T-shirt and sweatpants. He was undeniably adorable.

“How are you doing?” He asks you as he starts the coffee pot, grabbing his mug from the cabinet, then reaching into the fridge for some creamer while the coffee brewed.

“Tired” you yawn as you opened the cap of the juice bottle with a click, taking a small sip. “But I feel prepared for the exam” you sleepily smile

“Oh yeah?” He grins at you as he pours the coffee into the eraser-head mug followed by some creamer before coming to sit with you.

“Yeah” you eat your rice “You’ll do great, you’re so good at science” you remind him as if he didn’t already know.

After taking your medicine and walking with Hitoshi back to the elevator and up to your respective floors, you two parted ways to get ready for the day.

Hitoshi would be ready quickly, all he had to do was shower, put his uniform on, and personal hygiene. You however, always took a bit longer than you should, hence why you always woke up a bit earlier.

You were undoubtedly exhausted from staying up so late to study. Your head and shoulders felt tense and you wanted to just crawl back in bed and skip the school day. But unfortunately, you had an exam to take.

As you did your necessary skin and makeup routine (if you have one), you made a point to go over your notes just a few times to make sure you still understood.

Despite feeling so accomplished, you were exhausted. The feeling raced through your body as you struggled to keep your eyes open when blinking. And that’s when you remembered— you have an energy drink in your mini fridge!

“Oh fuck yes!” You grin to yourself, knowing that it would come in handy one morning. You had about an hour until the exam, that should be plenty of time for it to kick in. You opened the tab on the can with a satisfying *pop* and just before you take a sip your phone dinged with a text message.

Toshi💜😻

Down in the lobby whenever you’re ready!

As you down the carbonated beverage, the bubbles awaken your senses. After buttoning your uniform jacket you put your study materials back in your school bag and headed out the door to meet Hitoshi in the lobby.

Before that— downed the rest of the rest of the drink, throwing the tin can into the garbage across the room from your doorway. “Mhm!” Humming and nodding in satisfaction when it successfully made it in.

As you made your way out of the elevator you waltzed up to your lavender haired boyfriend who had his usual resting, melancholic face. You knew he wasn’t sad or anything it was just the way his face sat most of the time. You did however, gee the slight smile on his lips as you approached him.

“You finally ready?” You grin to him and he just rolls his eyes with a smile, conjoining your hands together “Was waiting on you sweetheart”

You laugh at the pet name “Ew I don’t like that one!” You shake your head “Yeah, me neither” he looks straight ahead, opening the door for you to exit the dorm building.

“Thank you Toshi” you pinch his cheek on the way out as you walk past him, down the steps. He rubs his cheek with his fingertips as he watches you with wide eyes, face growing warm with a blush.

You seemed different today, back to your normal self. Yes you weren’t terribly tired in the morning these past few weeks, but something about our energy this morning made him smile. He didn’t know what had changed overnight but he was happy to have you back to your normal, happy, carefree self.

As Aizawa handed out the exam papers— face down— you couldn’t help but feel giddy. Ready to burst with energy, your heart was racing a million miles a minute. You felt so prepared that your hand that was holding your pencil was twitching with anticipation.

Hitoshi noticed the way your feet couldn’t sit still, the way your fingers twitched and twirled your pencil, the rhythmic tapping of your fingertips with your other hand against the desk. We’re you always this energetic..? His eyebrows raised in confusion at the mere sight of you.

“Don’t flip your papers over until I say” Aizawa tiredly spoke “We have 5 minutes until time starts, get all the chatter out now. Talk to your neighbor” he told the students and they turned to their desk neighbors in response.

“Hey Toshi-“ Denki began, using the nickname you gave your boyfriend in a mocking tone

“Fat chance” he rolled his eyes and turned away from the blonde, leaving him with his mouth agape before turning to bother Jirou. The interaction made you snicker.

“You alright? You seem… very peppy this morning” he tells you and you frown in confusion “Is that bad?” You ask him with a questioning tone

“No not at all!” He hold his hands up defensively “Just didn’t know if something was going on” he shrugs “That’s all”

“Maybe it’s the energy drink I had this morning” you stare up at the celing, wondering. His eyes are as wide as saucers at your statement. Did you not read the info that came in the medication packet?! Because he sure did!

“What do you mean?! How much did you drink?” He cautiously asks and you raise an eyebrow at his tone “The whole thing” you simply state and his mouth hangs open

“Y-“

“Okay quiet” Aizawa settles the class down “The exam is 20 questions, you have an hour” he states “good luck” he begins the timer on his computer while sipping black coffee out of his mug that was conveniently shaped like a cat.

As you wrote your name down you could feel the adrenaline pumping through you. You knew what you were doing and how to find the answers to any question that may come about.

But as you wrote out your last name and put the proper date on the corner of the page you couldn’t help but wonder what Hitoshi was getting so worked up for….

You could feel yourself losing focus. No! You quickly snapped back into your reality. There was an exam in front of you and you needed to finish it first! Then you could think of all the worst possible reasons that he looked so concerned.

As you raced through the first 5 questions, they were a piece of cake. You knew this by heart at this point after a long night of work. Your hand was rapidly moving the pencil around, careful not to disrupt anyone but just enough to get your fix of energy out.

Your leg was bouncing under your desk as you worked out a formula for velocity on question 8 with ease. You briefly glanced up around the room, you weren’t the only one with a bouncing leg in the room. Just a few of your peers.

Students such as Iida, and Momo were first to finish. Followed by Midoryia and Bakugo — who shoulder bumped Midoryia on his way back to his seat.

You were about to stand up to turn your test in when Hitoshi stood up and walked to turn his in. You ultimately decided to just wait a few minutes and pretend like you were still working just so it didn’t seem like you had copied off of Hitoshi.

When walking back to your desk after turning the test in, you felt an immense sense of accomplishment. You knew almost everything, only struggling with one problem towards the end but hey, getting only one wrong is better than getting all of them wrong!

Soon enough, everyone had finished and the lunch bell had rang. “Going to lay down?” Your boyfriend asks as he picks up your bag for you.

“Actually, no!” You grin “I’m so excited I wanna catch up with everyone!” You grab his hand and drag him along to meet up with your friends who were out the door, assuming that you wouldn’t be joining them. “Okay, if you insist” he says

Upon entering the cafeteria, you practically dragged a stumbling Hitoshi behind you as you made your way to the usual table. “Got room for one more?” You cheerfully grin and their expressions light up at the sight of uou

“(Name)!” Kirishima and Sero cheer enthusiastically, the attention being brought to the table causing Hitoshi to want to disappear and causing Bakugo to harshly shush them for being “so god damn loud”

“Hey sparks!” Denki winks and holds up finger guns “(Name)! There’s a seat with your name on it!” Mina cheerfully pats the chair next to her, another one being open beside it, where you an Hitoshi usually sat.

“Gonna go get a snack, want anything?” Your doting boyfriend questions and you nod with a smile “A smoothie?” You inquire, handing him some cash. He shakes his head at your offer “I’ve got it” he kisses the top of your head, leaving your face to grow warm. He usually wasn’t one for over the top pda. Especially not around people you knew. He just got so embarrassed very easily. It was cute though.

“You seem so cheerful and alive!” Kirishima points out and you smile in return at his shark tooth grin (you’ve always adored his unique set of chompers). You sat, your leg bouncing from the rush through your body.

“I know I feel much better” you explain to them as they nod intensively listening, eager to know what was wrong these past weeks. (Minus Bakugo who sat with his airpods in)

“Well you certainly look like you feel better” Denki pats your back, reaching his arm behind Mina to where you sat

“So? What was going on?” Sero inquired as Hitoshi came back with some crackers and a bottle of water for himself and a smoothie for you “Thanks Toshi” you ruffle his wild hair “I dunno!” You shrug slurping the smoothie that contained your favorite fruits that Hitoshi had gotten for you without even having to ask, already knowing you so well.

“I just felt awful these past few weeks” you swallow the drink “I’ve been taking naps in recovery girls office” you tell the group earning some noises of affirmation.

As the conversation kept going it became abundantly clear how your heart was hammering against your chest. A tight feeling took over your breathing, you attempted to laugh on queue with the group but Hitoshi noticed your faltering demeanor.

“You alright?” He whispered as Denki loudly recited an event that happened to him last weekend. “Mhm” you purse your lips together in a smile before looking towards the table as exhaustion began to overtake your muscles

“Can I have some?” You knit your brows as you point to his bottle of water. “My water?” He raises an eyebrow as he hands it to you “Sure, you know you don’t have to ask” he rubs your shoulder

You attempt to uncap the water once more but he must’ve screwed it shut like there was was no tomorrow, either that or your muscles had grown abundantly weak and tired.

“Mph” you make a dissatisfied noise as you couldn’t open it and hand it back to your boyfriend so he could open it. This was strange in his eyes. You never had a problem reopening a bottle of water.

“Can you?” You let out a shaky breath and he takes the water, the plastic of it crinkling slightly under his grip. “Of course” he glances at you, uncapping it so you could take a much needed sip of the beverage.

The pounding in your head became known as you took a sip. Was this a caffeine crash? You’d never experienced one before during your religious cycle of drinking various energy drinks.

You recap the water and lean onto Hitoshi’s shoulder with a slight groan in discomfort at the muscle aches. “Hey are y-?” He begins before he’s interrupted.

“You okay over there spazzy?” Bakugo cocked an eyebrow, taking one airpod out of his ear. You frown with your eyes are closed on Hitoshi’s shoulder in response.

“Enough of that name, asshole” Hitoshi scolded the blonde who just scoffed and put his airpod back in his ear “Psh- whatever see if I care ever again” he rolled his eyes. He will care again.

“You alright?” Mina gently caressed your forearm. You glance over at her and just lay back down. The sudden rush of symptoms taking over you. You felt nauseated. Your stomach churned uncomfortably.

“Uhm I need to go” you stand up, using Hitoshi’s shoulder for support. Your destination? The nurses office. “Sorry we couldn’t stay longer” Hitoshi sarcastically remorses as he picks up the two bags, your smoothie, his crackers, and water bottle.

The group is confused. Denki’s mouth was slightly agape “What the hell is going on?!” He breaks the silence as they watch Hitoshi struggle to carry all of the stuff while catching up to you to follow you out the door.

As you lay there clutching your stomach with a pillow over your head Recovery girl and Aizawa stand at the foot of the bed stunned.

You had come in just a few minutes before Hitoshi complaining of stomach pain and a horrible headache. Recovery Girl was taken aback when you did. Usually you come in yawning and just go to whatever bed is available. You never had complained about any sort of problems other than being tired and blaming it on an uneven sleep schedule. It just so happened that Aizawa was in there when you came in.

“She’s been acting strange” Recovery Girl told your teacher who skeptically nodded. “Always coming in here during lunch hour to sleep” the older woman shakes her head.

“Why?” Aizawa ponders “Have you noticed anything, Shinsou?” He confided in his mentee who looked completely lost on what to do.

“She’s been acting really weird since she… started taking her medication…” he realized the words coming out of his mouth. Saying it out loud and taking time to process it was weighing on him. How could he have been so blind?!

“The adhd medication?” Aizawa turns to recovery girl who nods “that’s the only one she takes” she tells him as he slowly starts to pace.

“This is a simple fix” Recovery girl tells the two men “If she’s reacting badly to this variant of the medication then we can get her reevaluated for another variant” she explains and you perk up

“So I won’t go back to being a spaz? I can still take medication?” You rasp out and the two adults look confused. Spaz? Where would you get something like that?!

Hitoshi must’ve sensed their confusion so he took the liberty of explaining “Bakugo makes fun of her, calls her a spaz or spazzy and a few other names” he says “He’s been teasing her since last year”

“Okay” Aizawa heavily sighs, despite being a bit more mellowed out, Bakugo still presented to be a problem most of the time. He just wasn’t as aggressive about it. “I’ll deal with that”

“(Name), you’re not a spaz” he begins “You have something that you cannot control therefore it’s foolish to care about what someone like bakugo says. He has no relevance to you”

You nod in understanding “I know…” you begin, head still throbbing “I just wish I was easier to deal with sometimes” you shrug

“We don’t deal with you” your teacher states firmly “We care for you” he corrects your statement “Now I’ve got to get back to work, Recovery Girl, write her a note for the rest of the day, she’s going back to her room” Aizawa confirms “Hitoshi, walk her back”

Hitoshi nods in understanding as recovery girl explains that you’ll be evaluated for a new variant of medication on Saturday and that she will call your parents to let them know of the situation to which you reluctantly agree.

That was two weeks ago. Since then, you’ve started a new medication and you’re absolutely thriving! Able to focus, energy restored, still yourself you just remember to do your homework and study more often! And you’ve been advised, no more energy drinks!

As you sit in the corner booth of your favorite restaurant with your friends for a do-over dinner, Denki cackles loudly as you take two french fries and stick them in your upper lip pretending to suck bakugos blood like a vampire. Yeah, you were back to yourself alright!

“God! Cut it out spaz!” Bakugo barks at you and you just remove your french fries from your lip, Hitoshi ready to defend you once more but this time you step in.

“Bakugo, you can say that all you want” you tell him “It doesn’t effect me anymore, your opinion is irrelevant”

He is pissed “Oh yeah? And who the hell says?!” He crossed his arms over his chest

“Mr. Aizawa” you simply shrug before returning to your meal and the group goes ballistic when you said that.

“Yoooo!” Denki chants

“Dude get fucking wrecked!” Sero cackles

Mina and Kirishima wipe tears from their waterline, laughing so hard they were tearing up

“That’s my girl” Hitoshi kisses the top of your head

[itsaspectrumcomic]

hey! before I begin, I wanted to say how much I love your comics!! the style and palettes are really soothing, and it's always nice to read them, relate heavily, and not feel quite such an oddball!! so thanks :]

I (very recently) received the results of my diagnosis for autism and adhd (I got both, and a couple other smaller things) and was wondering what things you did differently immediately after diagnosis that helped you? I've tried things like proper organisation and cleaning, keeping on top of deadlines for college as much as I am able, and trying to study as much as I can (a levels are very stressful even though I've only just started the course, and while these solutions are what's considered "good" by the college, its not really helping me as much as I would like)

a large part of the diagnosis was dedicated to brain function (I had the privelidge of being assessed privately, so the evidence was very detailed and thorough), and I scored stupidly high on vocabulary and language study. However, I feel like there's somewhat of a disconnect between the effort I've put in on my foreign language studies and the progress I'm seeing- I'm trying so so hard to understand grammatical concepts and absorb a lot of vocabulary in preparation for some smaller tests in the near future, but I'm not seeing the reward during lessons or even with preparation. I am fully aware that with all the work and effort I'm spending, I am closer than I would like to be to a meltdown and probably burnout, which I desperately want to avoid. It just feels that although my brain is wired for linguistic study, I feel like I'm falling behind or failing

I guess if you have any advice or anything that helped you once your diagnosis was confirmed, or tips for study, I would be greatly appreciative :]

Tldr: struggling with study and fearful of failure, any advice?

hnng I remember the stress of A levels, you couldn't pay me to go through that again 🫠

After being diagnosed I started to allow myself to unmask and stim in more obvious ways. Previously my stims had generally been pretty small, like flicking my fingers or wiggling a bit, but now I allow myself to flap and rock and play with fidget toys as well and it genuinely does help release tension.

It sounds like your're working really hard - if you feel close to burnout and/or meltdowns, you might be working too hard. I also found it really hard to take breaks when I was studying (...still do) but the truth is, by not allowing your mind to rest, you're actually making it harder for yourself to learn and retain information.

So my advice is, take a break! A real break, not 'I'm gonna scroll on my phone for a bit' or 'I went to the toilet that counts as a break right'. Get up, step away from your work for at least an hour, and do something you find relaxing and fun. Go for a walk or just sit outside. Make yourself a drink. Take a nap if you need to. Try to avoid looking at screens during your break if you can. And when you go back to studying, schedule times to have regular short breaks as well (eg a 10 minute break every hour). I set alarms for mine because otherwise I forget to move for five hours.

A break allows your brain to process the information and let it settle properly. When you go back to work you'll hopefully feel more refreshed and able to take in information again. Remember, if you've just started the course, then this is a marathon, not a sprint, so please try not to overdo it and burn yourself out right at the start. Conserve your energy for the long haul.

If you're still struggling, are you able to ask for help, maybe from a friend or a teacher? A teacher could give you some techniques on how to improve in the specific areas you find difficult, and sometimes just talking through the bit you're having trouble with or not understanding can help a lot.

Good luck with your studies and I hope you take some time to rest as well :)

[teencopandthesourwolf]

THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN EVERY EPISODE OF TEEN WOLF EVER

part ii (part i HERE)

coach finstock philosophy being the thing that actually fixes you

a soundtrack that consists of the sort of music that makes you wish you were no longer alive, plus (ironically) the excellent song lose your soul by dead man's bones 

jeff davis forgetting character's ages and back stories and sometimes the characters themselves (fuck you forever for kira, jeff, you massive poopy head)

jeff davis forgetting the plot

jeff davis forgetting the fact that nobody likes him

tuning in for sterek and staying for sterek even when jeff davis stops giving the sterek scenes together, and staying for sterek even after one half of sterek leaves, in the hope that the half of sterek who left will one day return so you can keep on watching for sterek even though sterek is not even canon and you know inherently it never will be  

brilliantly appalling special FX

meredith having even crazier eyes than the character from the show orange is the new black who has crazy eyes and is actually named crazy eyes 

tyler hoechlin hands down having the best spine-tingling-hairs-standing-up-on-the-back-of-your-neck werewolf roar of any werewolf on any film or tv show about werewolves ever FIGHT ME

queer allegory my beloved <3

isaac inexplicably wearing a scarf all-year-round

all the characters bar derek (only bc it's hard to get it wrong with a henley and black jeans which is all he ever wears apart from the one-time crimson thumbhole shirt that was inspired drip) having honestly the worst fucking dress sense

jackson being the angriest most brilliantly hammy antagonist ever with the best facial expressions known to humankind who ends up evolving into the most adorable gayest gay to ever gay living his best life in londonia with his lovely boyfriend ethan where they are now both runway models for jean paul gaultier (who everybody knows is a french werewolf from way back when in the la bête du gévaudan era)

getting the feeling you should be doing absolutely anything else with your time instead of watching these idiots yet being completely addicted to loving this penny and dime clown show more than you love your own nearest and dearest 

VOID STILES BEING A 1000 YEAR OLD FOX DEMON THAT MAKES YOU HARD

having the constant need to shake scott vigorously because he is the funko pop! bobble head we all know and are forced to tolerate 

chris argent being such a cringe over-the-top-gun-toting-who's-your-daddy-badass that he somehow actually manages to circle back around to being rad af  

chris argent being so real and a dilf

none of the characters ever talking about the fact that scott's dad was an abusive arsehole apart from stiles because stiles is a champion amongst men who makes sure to tell scott's dad between scenes that his head looks like a cross between a crescent moon and a foot

every single character on the show knowing that there is not a hint of a shadow of a doubt that derek and stiles are doin the narsty—even the off-camera characters we never get to meet are always congregating on the reg in the grocery store or the coffee shop or the WSWA (We See Werewolves Anonymous) bi-weekly meetings and are all like "you know that furious-looking autistic dude with the spectacular monobrow whose eyes are sometimes definitely way too blue? and the noodly peewee herman MIT ADHD kid with the duct tape jeep whose dad is the sheriff of this fictional town none of us live in? they are definitely fucking omg." 

each and every school lesson we see scott and stiles attending actually being a top secret pentagram level mission impossible code for whatever supernatural shit is about to go down in beacon hills that day 

outing you as the monsterfucker you really are LMFAO

(find part i HERE)

[yippeeometer]

OH MY GOD OK SO THE FOUR CORNEES

I love these idiots

Utah is small, sure, but look at the damn muscles on that short stack of books, but he could pick up Alaska if he really tried

Coco is a BIG GUY, he’s not the tallest but he is the oldest of the group and occasionally takes up the role of “you fuck with them I will crush your skull but keep your brain intact so you can feel the pain.” But New Mexico usually be doing that.

New Mexico makes some bomb ass food and Coco loves it but he ain’t NEVER gonna admit that NM’s chili is better and his

New Mexico and Ari are their own band istg, those two love love music so much, they be playing in the garage their entire day off from any work and it drives Utah MAD because he’s trying to listen to his lo-fi and write but the boys downstairs are going at it on the drums

Arizona also loves painting, he n Coco have painted most if not all of the walls in the house

Also also, baby fever Utah? That man wants to have children so badddd but as a state he’s too busy to have one himself

Illithya is there tho, that wonderful lesbian is there for him

first off utah is a FATHER there’s no way that man doesn’t have the strength to crush a car w one hand. u think you have 6 children and don’t have muscle on u THINK again

i’m sorry my liege i can’t agree w this coco has the capacity to crush a skull propaganda. this is the type of guy to stand awkwardly as ari goes completely feral on a dude quietly singing the beach boys. he’s making comments like ‘oh i bet he’s learnt his lesson’ despite havingbplayed no rule but hindrance in a fight. he sucks i love him

neme’s food is seasoned with rage i believe that. you can’t come in the kitchen whilst he cooks bc he needs time to think about all the ways he’s been wronged whilst he slices his onions. they go through cutting boards at an alarming rate bc neme thinks ab how he was introduced as ‘mew nexico’ once and now everyone’s copy pasting cat ears onto his professional business photos.

ari is carnage and that’s the truth. his band skills are fully based on adhd and i believe that. he and new have to have hourly breaks from practice however bc they’re too dramatic for showbiz. they put on talent shows for the other two which ends frequently with a screaming match bc they want constructive criticism- which utah can’t give bc he’s too nice, and coco can’t give bc he already forgot what the song was like.

utah would want a baby however he forgets that would be a crime under some convention. hello my sweet child. oh you’re wondering why you’re birth name is green-chile-is-better-in-rado. you see, it was that or a divorce.

[emeraldspiral]

“I am, as Miss Scatcherd said, slatternly; I seldom put, and certainly never keep, things in order; I am careless; I forget rules; I read when I should learn my lessons; I have no method; and sometimes I say, like you, I cannot bear to be subjected to systematic arrangements.”

Helen, you have ADHD.

[deafeningfanlight23]

TSAMS HEADCANONS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME! >:D

Bro I watched all those TSAMS videos that i couldn't keep up with AND JUST WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING??? Can't we have some rainbows and sunshine for like a second pls where everyone holds hands and sings My Little Pony songs?? 😭 WE WOULD HONOR WITH THIS SOLAR AS WELL LIKE THAT'S DOUBLE JACKPOT 😭 And I'm actually such a fan of angst but when I TELL U THAT I NEED SOME ✨POSITIVITY ✨, THEN IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN 😭✋

Anyway enough of my adhd talk, LET'S GET INTO THIS WONDERFUL LIST OF HEADCANONS FOR FICTIONAL GAY CHARACTERS :D

-

-Eclipse is gay, acespike and a trans man [Our gay icon fr fr 💅]. He doesn't have ANY interest to pursue any relationship though cuz of his trust and abandomnent issues - And cuz he just doesn't care :P But he is kinda friends with Earth!

-Apropos Earth and Eclipse friendship, they sometimes go to the park and Eclipse helps Earth gathering berries from bushes for her cakes. He says that he finds it boring cuz he gotta be a tOugH gUy y'know, but he actually quite enjoys just having simple company!

-Earth is really good at baking and making sweets! :3 After she's done making all sorts of cakes, cupcakes and brownies, she spends it to homeless shelters so they can feed the homeless people, or gives it to her siblings!

-All Eclipses can speak French [It's kinda canon so sue me 🤣]. Either it's fluently or somewhat broken - Ruin can speak French only with a thick British accent, Eclipse can speak it better than Ruin but Dualingo would still end him cuz he misses his French lessons, and Solar can speak it perfectly! :D

-The Bloodmoon-Twins have difficulty distinguishing between reds, greens, browns and oranges. They also confuse different types of blue and purple hues because they can't 'see' the red color in them. So they have deuteranomaly and protanomaly, which are types of color blindness. [DAMN THAT WAS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN QWQ I felt like a teacher for a sec WHICH I DON'T WANNA FEEL CUZ IT'S SUMMER HOLIDAYS AND I WANNA FORGET SCHOOL QWQ]

-Moon has still a collection of pokemon plushies and MHA figures, and Lunar has pokemon cards! :D

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :D

[psychagoguedigitalmusical]

BIG PROGRESS UPDATE (1/2): 1 Month of DAW, Warrior of the Mind Basic Analysis, More Psychagogue Info & Characters, Reading List + What's next on my agenda

(This is part 1. Read part 2 here! https://www.tumblr.com/psychagoguedigitalmusical/778869348098015232/psychagogue-musical-preview?source=share)

Hello! It's been a while since my last big update. Work has been a bit heavy lately and I'm getting some stuff sorted out with my current medication, so it's been a bit harder to spend as much time and energy on this project as I'd like. That being said, I'm still thinking about it all the time, making notes for myself, and making incremental progress. The creative process is an ebb and flow; with my recently-diagnosed ADHD, even moreso I have to learn to ride with the waves. And with amounts of discipline I lacked in my younger years, I am able to consistently keep moving forward. So I'm excited to share some of the progress I've made!

1. Warrior of the Mind Basic Analysis

Here is the ✨S✨P✨R✨E✨A✨D✨S✨H✨E✨E✨T✨ we've come to know and love, feel free to give it a look for more details.

I'm going to keep my supplementary thoughts on this one brief today, since it's actually been a couple weeks between when I filled this out and now. Good song (honestly, I think like 39/40 of the songs are straight bangers, in addition to much of the cut content). The biggest thing I noticed when analyzing this song that I started to notice when listening everywhere else is really just how similar Athena and Odysseus are, which I especially took note of in the Wisdom Saga, like in God Games. Very well done. I also noticed other small things, such as Athena saying "enlighten me", calling forward to Zeus's line in Thunder Bringer, she talks like her dad alright. Very excited for a future analysis series where I note the all the setups-callbacks I notice like these.

Central Conflict:

Athena is concerned that Odysseus's consideration of Polites' Open Arms philosophy is leading him astray from being the greatest warrior she had been mentoring him for, a warrior of the mind.

Resolution:

Athena reminds Odysseus why she decided to mentor him, and reminds him to stay on track. She warns him not to disappoint her.

Thesis Quote (Fundamental question or philosophy):

I still intend to make sure you don't fall behind Don't forget that you're a warrior of a very special kind You are a warrior of the mind Don't disappoint me

What factual information do we explicitly learn about the unfolding plot situation?

Athena appears to Odysseus to chastise him for forgetting the lesson she taught him, which was to turn off his heart in order to be the greatest warrior.

Athena begins to recount the story of how she and Odysseus met.

Athena had set up a challenge to find someone skilled enough to kill a magic boar.

A boy took the challenge for fun.

Athena considers to herself this boy's potential.

She thinks she can mentor him to help make a better future.

Odysseus tricks Athena into revealing herself.

Athena is impressed by Odysseus, and they each try to get the other to introduce themselves first.

Athena offers to mentor Odysseus as a fellow "warrior of the mind". Odysseus agrees.

Athena warns Odysseus not to disappoint her.

Athena's lessons to Odysseus have involved "turning off his heart"

What factual information do we implicitly learn about the situation?

Athena's story of Odysseus and the boar (therefore, most of this song) takes place in a flashback.

Odysseus was the boy who took on Athena's magic boar challenge, and he won.

Athena used magic to make herself invisible to watch Odysseus take on this challenge.

Athena has been mentoring Odysseus continually since they first met.

What factual information do we explicitly learn about a character?

Athena is the Goddess of Wisdom

What factual information do we implicitly learn about a character?

Odysseus is an intelligent warrior.

Odysseus was a thrillseeker in his youth.

Gods are fallible and can be flawed.

How does a character explicitly view a character?

Athena views herself as a master of war

Athena and Odysseus view themselves and each other as "Warriors of the Mind"

Athena views Odysseus as clever, intelligent, and a great warrior.

Athena thinks Odysseus is straying from the path of mentorship she has taught him.

Odysseus views Athena as badass, witty, and a great strategist.

How does a character implicitly view a character?

Others also consider Athena a master of war

Athena views herself as clever.

Odysseus considers himself clever.

Athena views Odysseus as someone who could be the greatest warrior and change the world.

What information do we explicitly learn about a character's relationships, perspectives, or philosophies?

Athena is primarily motivated by creating the greatest warrior.

Athena is secondarily motivated by wanting to make a better world.

Athena considers herself Odysseus' mentor moreso than a friend.

Odysseus considers himself Athena's friend.

Athena does not want to be disappointed.

Odysseus employs trickery and deceit in his interactions with others.

What information do we implicitly learn about a character's relationships, perspectives, or philosophies?

Athena believes that the greatest warrior is a warrior of the mind.

Athena believe the purpose of the greatest warrior, a warrior of the mind is to make the world a better place.

Athena and Odysseus share similar values

Odysseus and Athena both shrewdly avoid telling others their name.

Athena is disappointed in Odysseus because she views his consideration of Polites' "Open Arms" philosophy as antithetical to being a great warrior of the mind.

Odysseus admires Athena.

As I've said, much more detail and explanation of the implicit points, and inclusions of the textual evidence in the spreadsheet, so check it out!

2. Psychagogue Info Dump

I think I've been fairly vague about what Psychagogue: A Digital Musical has been about up through now. If that's true, it hasn't been intentional. I have a very strong idea of what it is in my own mind and personal notes, but that hasn't always translated here to this blog. Excited to share at a high level what I've been cooking up. Be aware, everything here is subject to change throughout the process. Also, since we're looking at my creative process here, there will be spoilers.

What is Psychagogue?

Psychagogue is a story about loss. Psychagogue is a story about obsession. Psychagogue is a story about growing up as a young man in a society that doesn't care who you are on the inside. Psychagogue is a story about perception, perspective, and power. Psychagogue is a story about what it means to be a hero on the personal scale. Psychagogue is a story about monsters, parasites, predators, and thieves. Psychagogue is a story about memory. Psychagogue is a story about finding your voice.

Psychagogue is a love story. Psychagogue is a ghost story.

--

Our protagonist is an adolescent boy named Morvic. Feeling like an outcast from his family and peers in the town, the greatest solace in his life is a girl named Manor, his childhood friend although he's always yearned for more. One day when playing in the woods outside town, the tall tree that Manor is climbing is suddenly struck by lightning, and she falls to the ground. Morvic tries his best to save her, but is unsuccessful

Morvic does not take this well.

Later on, while brooding, Morvic is approached by a mysterious man who promises him the power to bring Manor back and get everything he wants. This man leads him to his lair deep in a cave in the mountains and introduces himself as the Psychagogue. In order to bring Manor back, Morvic is to enter the mysterious "Realm of Shades" and follow his instructions. Along Morvic's journey, he learns that not everything is as it seems, and maybe what he wanted wasn't what he needed. He learns to find his voice and grows from an insecure boy on the precipice of a dark path into a man to be proud of.

--

What is the Realm of Shades?

The simplest way to explain is that the Realm of Shades is a sort of Underworld. A mysterious and magical world parallel to our own, expect instead of being a land of the dead, it is a land of shadows, memories, and perception. In the Realm of Shades, perception is literally power.

People, places, and things project something called a Shade, which is a kind of physical illusion based on how they are perceived. For example, let's say that you got bit by a dog once as a young child and have carried a fear of dogs with you throughout your life. If you encounter a dog in the Realm of Shades, you might perceive it as a snarling, vicious, ferocious beast, even if in reality it is a small harmless puppy. Another example, you revisit the hometown you moved out of as a young child. In the real world, you might notice that the park you played in is a lot smaller than you remember. But in the Realm of Shades, it's scaled up to match your memory. A stranger on the street who resembles an old friend literally looks like them to you until the illusion is disbelieved. You trick an assailant into believing you have a weapon, and in the Realm of Shades, you physically do. I hope that all makes sense.

I've always been fascinated by the idea of ghosts. Do I believe they exist? Yes and no. On the one hand, as much as I want to sometimes, I cannot force myself to believe in the supernatural. So no I, Adam D. the author, do not literally believe in the existence of the spirits of the dead coming back to haunt you. On the other hand, yes absolutely 100%. Ghosts are real. But they aren't a supernatural oOoOoOoOo physical phenomenon. Ghosts are a phenomenon of memory. A ghost isn't a Victorian child in an abandoned hotel yelling into Zak Bagans's EVP recorder. A ghost is the empty spot in your bed where your dog used to curl up on a Sunday morning. A ghost is the scent of your ex's perfume on the air in the grocery store. A ghost is your mother's voice in your ear calling you a failure when you close the door just a little too loudly. Ghosts must exist because otherwise we wouldn't be haunted.

In my mind, the genres of fantasy and horror are two sides of the same coin, both founded on the core idea of taking an intangible part of the human experience and turning it into something physical that can be interacted with (The dragon is a wealth-hoarding tyrant who exists to be slain, the Babadook is grief, etc.) . This is the type of Underworld that the Realm of Shades is.

Who are the characters of Psychagogue?

Not a comprehensive list, everything subject to change, etc. etc.

Morvic

Our protagonist

Adolescent, approximately late teens in age

Awkward, insecure, low self-esteem, cynical, stubborn, naïve. But at the same time earnest, kindhearted, passionate, intelligent, determined.

Appears to other certain other characters as sad but well-inentioned, a lost soul in need of guidance, a vulnerable target with more money than sense, a dangerously obsessive powder keg, a genuinely kind young man, and more

Stricken by grief after Manor's tragic death, he undergoes a journey into the Realm of Shades in order to bring her back from the dead.

Musical identity, I'm thinking something like a harp, and longer more yearning songs. Tbd for sure.

Manor

Morvic's childhood friend

Adolescent, approximately late teens in age (deceased)

In Morvic's eyes, she is perfection incarnate. No other could ever compare to her beauty, her kindness, her everything. Morvic dreams about one day telling her how he feels and growing old in love together.

Closer to reality, it is true that Manor is a beautiful young lady. Combined with being sporty, confident, and kindhearted, she is a popular and well-loved member of the community.

She has the self-awareness to be aware of how others perceive her and feels a constant pressure to be the perfect girl everyone sees her as. Internally, she's a bit more tired, a bit more crass, and her secret desire is to become a priestess in the community.

She is one of the few people in the village willing to give Morvic the time of day. She has picked up on his feelings, but doesn't know how to handle the situation and genuinely doesn't want to hurt him.

Dies early on in our story.

Musical identity my current thoughts are something like angelic choirs for her shade, and pop-style music. TBD.

The Psychagogue

As we eventually come to learn, the antagonist of our story.

A mysterious magical man who appears to Morvic claiming to be able to grant him what he wants most.

He appears to Morvic in the form of an old wise philosopher/alchemist/wizard/scholar type, but in truth he is more than that.

"Psychagogue" is merely a title. A shared mantle by certain figures of the Realm of Shades who share similar abilities and a common goal.

Because perception is power in the Realm of Shades, the Psychagogue's ultimate goal is to find and take advantage of vulnerable people like Morvic for his own gain.

Leads a cult. If one Psychagogue were to disappear, another similar patriarch would quickly fill in his space. The specific man doesn't matter.

Along those lines, in our story, we see 4 different "aspects" of the Psychagogue. Despite technically being different characters, they are all the Psychagogue.

We will see aspects including "The Scholar", "The Predator", "The Salesman", and "The False Friend". You can imagine these are based on some of the real grifters we see in society.

Musical identify, I'm thinking something electric or ethereal. Think "dark barbershop quartet"

Raphael

Young man Morvic meets during his journey in the Realm of Shades.

Adolescent, but slightly older than Morvic. So late teens to early-mid 20s.

Noble, determined, kind, confident, wise, mature.

Originally descended into the Realm of Shades in order to save his younger brother. Haunted by his failure at this task. Has a bit of a savior complex.

Musical identity is regal, knightly, medieval, bold, heroic. Strings and brass.

The Huntress

A girl who lives in a hidden village in a forest in the Realm of Shades.

Adolescent, slightly younger than Morvic. So mid-teens

The forest around her village is plagued by a vicious prowling shadow beast known only as the Predator.

Due to her responsibilities, she must frequently travel through the dangerous forests. As a result, she has grown keenly adept at avoiding notice, staying safe, and survival.

Due to the environmental pressures of growing up under constant danger of the lurking Predator, she is responsible and fiercely loyal, but also very distrustful of outsiders and quick to strike first if it will ensure her survival.

Musical identity is primal, deadly, percussive.

Raphael's brother

A cultist in dedication to the Psychagogue.

Slightly younger than Morvic.

Musical identity will be some twisted combination of the Psychagogue, Raphael, and Morvic (think kind of like how Telemachus' themes are heavily derived from Odysseus' and Athena's)

The Goddess of True Life

A mysterious goddess who oversees the exist from the Realm of Shades.

In opposition to the Psychagogue.

More characters to come. I have some thoughts in mind for character relationships and arcs, but I want to flesh those out more before those are ready to share.

What will the story of Psychagogue look like?

On a structural level, I am currently planning to do something similar to Epic, where we've got an approximately 40-song story divided up into 2 acts. Within each act, there will be "Sagas" (though not necessarily by that name), each of which will focus on one section of the story, with 3-5 songs in each as a unit of action. It it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Still a lot tbd, but initial thoughts are something that vaguely shaped like this:

Descent Saga

Song 1: Morvic and Manor playing in the forest when tragedy strikes

Song 2: Morvic attempting to drag Manor into the village for help.

Song 3: Arrival at the village. They are not happy and berate Morvic for how he handled the situation.

Song 4: Morvic broods at Manor's grave.

Song 5: The Psychagogue introduces himself to Morvic and sends him into the Realm of Shades.

Shadow Saga

Song 1: Morvic enters the Realm of Shades and learns about its strange rules.

Song 2: Morvic meets some friendly denizens who want to help him out.

Song 3: Those guys turn out to be cultists and want to induct Morvic. His final initiation trial is a baptism of sorts.

Song 4: The pristine baptism pool turns out to be a vile and murky swamp. Once Morvic realizes this, the cultists leave him to drown.

Song 5: Morvic is saved from drowning by Raphael.

Some stuff happens, more stuff happens. Other thoughts that are not quite as well-formed yet are

The Predator Saga

Morvic for whatever reason needs to meet with the Huntress girl and get something from her. He's terrified of the Predator in the woods himself. As he looks for the girl, he either intentionally or unintentionally scares her and his own shade appears to her as the Predator. He is initially offended by this since he knows he isn't the Predator, but they talk it through and he learns from the experience. They come to an understanding and work together to take down the Predator aspect of the Psychagogue, who has been manipulating the situation in the forest for his own gain.

The Ghost Saga

Morvic enters a memory ghost town shade version of his own village. At first, it's perfect, everything he had ever wanted. The villagers and his family are all nice to him and he gets to live with shade!Manor in happiness and peace. But when the illusion shatters, Morvic learns to confront his past, face his fears, and determine on his own that what he wants isn't what he needs. I'm imagining that the musical identity of this sage will be cool, weird, and experimental. Things like glitchy/vaporwave/etheral, and all sorts of stuff like that that I just think is so cool. Seriously cannot wait until I get to this one even if that's a long time away from now.

Some other miscellaneous thoughts as well, like Morvic carries around a heart-shaped locket that was orginally around Manor's neck. He secretly knows that his picture isn't inside, but is in denial. This is his focus object that he manifests his shade of Manor from. Raphael sees Morvic as a lost boy like his younger brother. In one moment, Morvic makes a bad choice that drives Raphael away, and his primary motivation for act 2 is to find Raphael to apologize and reconcile. Honestly, I'm getting a little choked up thinking about this scenario and I haven't even written it yet!

Bonus Reading List!

I bought some books. Have not gone nearly through these yet, but look at this photograph every time I do it makes me laugh

In addition to this list, I also read through the self-help book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (if you haven't picked up on it by now, Morvic is a Nice Guy TM, and a major theme of this story is him growing to be a better man).

I am currently working my way through The Hero with a Thousand Faces. With this project, I want to create a unique and original story (as much as those exist) and to evoke feelings of a classical epic.

In addition to all these, I have been accumulating a number of resources on writing, songwriting, and music theory from Youtube in my personal notes.

In the screenshot, books pictured are:

The Hero with A Thousand Faces (Campbell)

The Power of Myth (Campbell)

Modern Man in Search of a Soul (Jung)

Man and His Symbols (Jung)

The Seven Basic Plots (Booker)

Pathways to Bliss (Campbell)

Understanding Masculine Psychology (Johnson)

Goddesses (Campbell)

The Writer's Journey (Vogler)

The Aeneid (Vergil)

The Will to Change (Hooks)

Frankenstein (Shelley)

In addition, by pure coincidence, this past weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing the world premiere of this brand new play called Push/Pull by Harry Davis, which was really good and covers some similar themes of a young man's struggles.

As Abraham Lincoln said:

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."

And as one of my friends with an actual education in writing has told me:

"You can't research your way into a book."

So as part of my creative process, I am learning to balance research with actually creating in order to keep making forward progress.

3. Snippets of Musical Progress

About 1 month ago, I downloaded the free trial version of Ableton Live. I had practically no experience using a DAW (Digital Audio Workstation), and my knowledge of music theory was limited to the bare minimum needed in order to perform in an ensemble. Learning theory seemed like such an insurmountable task. In some ways it still does, but I'm not frozen in fear like I was when I began.

My free trial of Ableton has now expired, and I intend to purchase. I've had a bad habit before of spending money on tools for a project that I was excited about for a short time before putting it down permanently. This is too important, too personal for me to let my dream rot like that, so I decided I needed to be better about how I approach this one. I challenged myself to see what I could get done in Ableton before the free trial expired so I could justify the purchase to myself.

I took a few scattered approaches, including attempting reproduce music from Epic, cataloguing musical motifs from Epic for future analyses, writing lyrics, composing parts of songs, and in one case something approximating a first rough draft. I'm happy to share what I've got.

Be aware: All of this music I am about to share is unfinished and does not necessarily represent the final result. I share these in their unfinished states in the interest of honesty and transparency into the creative process.

Epic Motifs

Okay full disclosure I was originally going upload a half-finished MIDI recreation of Infant and the Horse, but appranetly the way the Ableton Free Trial works is that you can still use it; you just can't export stuff from it, so pretend I did that here and I may post Epic recreations in a future update. Luckily, I did get a chance to export may more things.

For recurring motifs in Epic, I will be cataloguing them (probably) in the future. I'll have a spreadsheet and all that stuff, but for now I recreated some of the motifs. All of this is from a work session in a single afternoon where my primary goal was to get some stuff exported before my trial expired, so bear with the jank please and thank you. I also came up with my own names for these and tried to abstract the motifs to their barest core forms. An exercise more than anything, but I'd still like to share.

Danger

uhhh, the mp3 export for this one doesn't seem to work, so we'll skip this for now

He will chase you

Used by Zeus in Infant and the Horse and by the Siren in Suffering

Just a Man

Used all over the place

Penelope

Penelope

Six Hundred Men

Used all over the place. Motif of Odysseus' crew.

Survive

Used all over the place, including Zeus in the Infant and the Horse, Survive in the Cyclops saga, and by Eurylochus in Mutiny

(When does a Man become a) Monster

Used in the titular song, and is the foundation for the Monster motif

There are a bunch more, but that will be for a future day.

Psychagogue Works in Progress

Okay so I wanted to post the audio files of some works in progress of Psychagogue music but apparently the hellsite only allows 10 audio uploads per day??? This feels completely arbitrary. I actually even had 1 more Epic motif in the earlier list that I tried deleting to make room. Nope. I saved my most developed WIPs for last, so I'd feel bad if I were to post my draft as it was and only show the bad stuff first with the better stuff hidden away in a separate post. Ah well, I have errands to run anyway.

Part 2 coming tomorrow (with the fresh juicy stuff in it), I already have it mostly written in a draft. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy what I've had to say so far. I'm glad to be able to share another progress update since it's been a while. As always, please be nice and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

(Read Part 2! https://www.tumblr.com/psychagoguedigitalmusical/778869348098015232/psychagogue-musical-preview?source=share)

[aroaceweirdos101]

Guess who finished another Hello Puppets! OC's ref sheet, THIS GAL!!!(cant believe I finished this guy in 1/2 days)

"Duke is a brave, and albeit foolish(often said by his cousin, Riley) daredevil. Who sometimes, unintentially causes trouble. Despite that, He's always there to help people face their fears and become as daring as he is!"

In the show:

Duke first appeared in the episode, 'Daring Danger', when the Handeemen decided to attend one of his stunt shows. After the show he immediatly recognised Riley and decided to pay her a visit, slightly embarrassing her infront of the other Handees-

He decides to hang around for a while, accidentally causing a few accidents to happen due to his recklessness. Eventually, around the end of the episode, he learns a valuble lesson on safety and how to be careful.

Outside of the show:

He was created by one of the show's writers, Avery Flores, as a self insert and aswell as a possible side character for the show. It took awhile but Owen finally accepted his submission and made him Duke's official pupeteer!

Nobody knows what had happened to Avery when the studio fire started, but it is highly likely that he didnt make it...

Relationship with the Handeemen(Show counterparts):

- Rosco: Duke adores the golden retriever, he would always give him alot of belly rubs and treats whenever he gets to visit(Duke always wanted to have a dog, but due to his constant travels(and the fact he lives in a van), he's unnable to own one).

Rosco loves to play with Duke and would look forward to his visits(which makes Riley abit jealous), their favourite thing to do together is digging!

- Riley: As said before, Duke is Riley's reckless cousin(specifically from her mother's side), they've knowned eachother since they were toddlers and would often visit eachother during the holidays. Duke likes to tease her about her height, despite also being short.

Riley might never admit it, but she is glad to have Duke's company(as she didnt have many friends back then). Tho, she is tired of constantly scolding him for his reckless behaviour.

- Nick: Duke sees the artist as a close friend of his. The two would often exchange terrible dad jokes and team up to prank/tease Riley(much to the scientist's dismay). He's also one of the only few who wilingly listens to the artist's poems(tho half the time, Duke gets distracted by other things and ends up forgeting what Nick just spoke).

While Nick is annoyed by Duke's reckless antics(he still holds a grudge againts him for accidentally ruining one of his paintings that took hours to finish), he's glad to have another theater kid to talk to(Yep, Duke's a theater kid. So is Riley, but she's in the closet).

- Daisy: Duke LOVES Daisy's cooking(as it reminds him of his grandma's), he would often try and volunteer to help her in the kitchen(tho he was quickly banned after he somehow set it on fire the moment he stepped in).

Daisy's mother hen tendencies are increased when Duke's around, mostly due to his clumsy nature(he keeps giving her heart attacks with his definitely not safe stunt shows). Tho, its safe to say the two are good friends.

- Mortimer: The daredevil admires the old magician as he never cease to amaze him with his unbeliavable magic tricks, so much so that Duke wouldnt stop talking about them(he's abit of a chatter box). He greatly respects him.

Mortimer is both amused and overwhelmed by his enthusiam, either way, he's glad to have another person be his practice audience.

More Info about him:

- Since it was the 80s, his transgender reprsentation was never outright said due to the censorships. However, the crew managed to work around it by giving small hints throughout the show(e.g., sneakily showing a trans bumper sticker on his van).

- On some occasions, he'll dye his hair a different color to match the theme of the episode, or out of curiosity on what they'll look like.

- He has ADHD, Riley made him get a diagnosis after showing multiple signs of having it(that probably explains why he gets distracted easily, and why he keeps forgetting shit-).

- He is allergic to cats(they found out after he tried to pet the neighbors cat when he was little), tho that doesnt stop him from trying to pet any cat he finds, much to Riley's annoyence(she had to stop him from petting Angel when he first met the feline).

Feel free to ask some questions about him!

[jackiestarsister]

I believe I've found another neurodivergent fictional character: Helen Burns in Jane Eyre. The way she describes herself and compares herself to people like Jane and their teachers is an excellent illustratration of typical symptoms of untreated ADHD.

Here is Helen and Jane's conversation in Chapter 6, with significant symptoms underlined by me:

“You say you have faults, Helen: what are they? To me you seem very good.” “Then learn from me, not to judge by appearances: I am, as Miss Scatcherd said, slatternly; I seldom put, and never keep, things in order; I am careless; I forget rules; I read when I should learn my lessons; I have no method; and sometimes I say, like you, I cannot bear to be subjected to systematic arrangements. This is all very provoking to Miss Scatcherd, who is naturally neat, punctual, and particular.” “And cross and cruel,” I added; but Helen Burns would not admit my addition: she kept silence. “Is Miss Temple as severe to you as Miss Scatcherd?” At the utterance of Miss Temple’s name, a soft smile flitted over her grave face. “Miss Temple is full of goodness; it pains her to be severe to any one, even the worst in the school: she sees my errors, and tells me of them gently; and, if I do anything worthy of praise, she gives me my meed liberally. One strong proof of my wretchedly defective nature is, that even her expostulations, so mild, so rational, have not influence to cure me of my faults; and even her praise, though I value it most highly, cannot stimulate me to continued care and foresight.” “That is curious,” said I, “it is so easy to be careful.” “For you I have no doubt it is. I observed you in your class this morning, and saw you were closely attentive: your thoughts never seemed to wander while Miss Miller explained the lesson and questioned you. Now, mine continually rove away; when I should be listening to Miss Scatcherd, and collecting all she says with assiduity, often I lose the very sound of her voice; I fall into a sort of dream. Sometimes I think I am in Northumberland, and that the noises I hear round me are the bubbling of a little brook which runs through Deepden, near our house;—then, when it comes to my turn to reply, I have to be awakened; and having heard nothing of what was read for listening to the visionary brook, I have no answer ready.” “Yet how well you replied this afternoon.” “It was mere chance; the subject on which we had been reading had interested me. This afternoon, instead of dreaming of Deepden, I was wondering how a man who wished to do right could act so unjustly and unwisely as Charles the First sometimes did; and I thought what a pity it was that, with his integrity and conscientiousness, he could see no farther than the prerogatives of the crown. If he had but been able to look to a distance, and see how what they call the spirit of the age was tending! Still, I like Charles—I respect him—I pity him, poor murdered king! Yes, his enemies were the worst: they shed blood they had no right to shed. How dared they kill him!” Helen was talking to herself now: she had forgotten I could not very well understand her—that I was ignorant, or nearly so, of the subject she discussed. I recalled her to my level. “And when Miss Temple teaches you, do your thoughts wander then?” “No, certainly, not often; because Miss Temple has generally something to say which is newer than my own reflections; her language is singularly agreeable to me, and the information she communicates is often just what I wished to gain.” “Well, then, with Miss Temple you are good?” “Yes, in a passive way: I make no effort; I follow as inclination guides me. There is no merit in such goodness.”

That last clue points to the self-deprecation and lack of confidence or self-worth that can result from having ADHD (or other similar conditions).

[oysters-aint-for-me]

it’s hilarious how adhd meds make you have no appetite but the meds don’t really work unless you actually eat enough food to keep your brain at baseline functioning levels! and by “hilarious” i mean “a lesson that i constantly forget and, like a character on a network tv sitcom walking confidently into yet another situation specifically designed to needle at their exact constellation of flaws, must relearn on a weekly basis”

[casketscratch]

Survived therapy. Can’t stop shaking, but survived therapy.

Warnings for mentions of COCSA and I don’t know, doctors (derogatory).

He is going to fax a letter to the psychiatrist explaining my situation. Neither of us are hopeful it’ll matter because this psychiatrist is… bad, but it’ll be a shot.

Keep telling myself the worst the psych can do is say no and then I just have to look elsewhere and it’ll be a terrible few months and I’m already exhausted and dysregulated and plagued by flashbacks but. Whatever.

Told him about whichever part of the system is firmly on the psychiatrist’s side here. Like there is a constant abusive barrage in my head about how if I could just be a good patient and do what I’m told then we can go back to forgetting everything that ever happened and repress it and if I die of stress-related heart attacks in three years then so be it.

I understand this as a defense mechanism that believes literally anything is better than dealing with reality and our memories; but communication also seems one way. I can hear him, I can’t get through to him.

It goes a little something like, the doctor was right because doctors are always right, and if we don’t listen to doctors we will die, so if we just listen to him we’ll be fine. And since he said that we’re addicted to Ativan, shouldn’t have our adhd medication, should just get over everything that happened to us, and would be cured by some CBT and EMDR, that’s all we need. If we do that we can reset and be Normal and go back to work.

Therapist asked us if we honestly believe we abuse medication and no, not really. I have a stash of like 100+ Ativan pills because I was getting it refilled regularly out of fear of the rx expiring the same way my testosterone did and now I’m basically being forced to go without HRT for the first time in 15 years. The lesson I took from that was to Be Good and demonstrate I took my prescriptions by getting them all refilled regularly. I actually take it like, once or twice a week and only if needed. So no. I don’t.

Something about this has triggered a flood of memories around a COCSA… situation? That happened when I was young. We talked about it a little bit and what I remember happening. Therapist suggested it’s the same dynamic: someone in authority is telling me something I should do, and my (trauma) response is to just go along with it and dissociate. Be a good victim turns into be a good patient and just accept what is happening because I’m conditioned to do that and have learned painfully what standing up for myself earns me.

I hate this. I hate that I have to acknowledge that this response is so ingrained and trained in me that to this day it means I cannot advocate for myself. I hate that I can’t control my own actions or trust myself to make the best decision. I hate that I went along with it as a kid and some teenage brother of my sister’s best friend (who killed himself a few years ago, because his own father was sexually abusing him, too), and I hate that I went along with it in that psychiatrist’s office. But!

My god if I haven’t learned a lot about myself in the process, and my triggers, and at least I am in a position where I can admit all of that and ask for help. Feels bad, but…

And frankly. What kind of horrible psychiatrist triggers that kind of reaction. I am right in my perception of this situation. No matter how hard Some Other Alter tries to push back and push me out of the way so he can go along with it.

I sucked it up and asked for permission to take a fucking Ativan when it gets this bad. Because I haven’t been, and now I have at least two infections flaring up (which always happens when I reach a certain threshold of stressed out), constant headaches, my muscles are so locked my hip is in constant agony, and I’m constantly trying to manage urges to SH or binge drink when I try to give myself permission to take something. So. We have permission at least.

Somewhere in there he asked about why I told the psychiatrist about our history of abuse, and I was like… because I’ve done this before and been through CBT and a dozen medications that all backfired or didn’t work. I was trying to do the right thing by being honest and hoping the psychiatrist would meet me where I was at, not belittle every effort I’ve made and trigger the fuck out of me. I thought it was better to tell the truth rather than lie and try to manipulate the medication I needed out of someone. So, lol, there’s a lesson I’m trying not to take from this, too.

[transistor-rhythm-909]

LRB: that anecdote of the teacher is eerily similar to one of the most core trauma's I have ever endured, in a way that really resonates.

To preface; I've not been diagnosed as autistic or as having ADHD, but I highly suspect the latter and I am possibly somewhere on the spectrum as well. Irregardless of this fact, I am by all accounts neurodivergent. I have always been neurodivergent. I have always been the odd outsider in some capacity. One way in which this manifested was that when I was in Primary/Elementary school, I used to carry straws around, which served a double function; 1) the general need to fiddle with something with my hands, 2) if whatever imaginary game I was playing required "energy auras" or bullets or whatever, the straw would be the substitute for that.

(Sidenote; this need to fiddle with things and sometimes getting 'lost' in a fantasy is something that has never gone away fully. It's just these days I fiddle with the inside of a pen and a plastic toothpick instead, and generally I don't leave the house with them. You can see why I suspect I might be somewhere on the spectrum even if I am in many ways 'high functioning'. But I'm getting sidetracked).

I don't think I really need to explain that the kid who ran around the playground twirling a straw in front of his face whilst pretending to be his own made up Sonic/Dragon Ball Z/Ghoul Panic etc. characters was a prime target for bullying. It's fairly self demonstrating. What might be more uncomfortable to learn is that one of the teachers at this school got in on the act.

I'll never forget her name; Mrs. Duggan. A short, stocky white woman who always had a face like a clapped arse and clearly hated children. I don't know why she was a teacher- it can't have been for the pay. She later became the head of the school's Special Needs department, which is horrifying.

I had her as my teacher for two years running. The first was, as far as my memory serves, mostly uneventful outside of general mean-teacher bs (such as mishearing me as complaining about a lesson when I was complimenting it, and screaming at me to go to the principle's office). But during that second year she begun to zero in on me for reasons I still don't quite grasp. for example, one lessons around christmas we were assigned the task of making xmas cards to take home- I thought we could pick one of two template designs to customise, and chose one; upon presenting it to her, she looked it derisively, then tore it up, bluntly told me I picked the wrong design, and told me to do it again.

But it was her focus on the straw thing where things become egregious. I remember two incidents, one "smaller" and one "bigger".

The small incident; during one artclass, she produced a box of paper straws for us to use. One classmate yelled out "hey, straw boy!" (me, obvs), the entire class erupting with laughter at me; when I looked at Duggan, she effectively just went 🤷‍♀️ with a smile on her face and did nothing to stop it. Pretty humiliating, but not as bad as what came next.

The big incident; It was the end of the year assembly, a large part of which consistent of the teachers giving out special awards to students- "best at maths", "most creative writer", "most well behaved", that sort of thing. When it was Duggan's turn, she doles out the awards as usual, but upon getting to the end, says something to the effect of: "and finally, a very special award for a very special student, who's been extremely helpful throughout the semester".

I remember her next words very clearly though; "for keeping my plastics box filled all year round, [Real Name] Theed!"

The entire school bursts into laughter. Every single student, more or less, barring perhaps a couple of my friends and one or two teachers. And I had to get up in front of them and accept this award, as they laughed at me.

Now, my depression and anxiety- which I have been diagnosed for- are partially clinical; I would have suffered with them anyway because of how my brain is wired. There would also be more traumatic events in secondary school, outside of it as a teenager, and into my early adulthood that would contribute to both. But I don't think it is an exaggeration at all to say that that humiliation in front of about 200 students and staff members, being made to feel like a demented freak worthy of nothing but mockery, laid the groundwork for a lot of the issues I still have now- my severe social anxiety, my performance anxiety, my not wanting to be perceived, my not wanting to become the centre of attention, my dislike of myself, my difficulty reaching out and striking up friendships, my need to "mask" behaviours or thought patterns that suggest that i am on the spectrum or am neurodivergent generally in any way, always being self conscious about how I talk or what I talk about- it all comes back to that moment where I was made to feel as less than human by someone who was supposed to have my best interests in mind.

I am, quite genuinely, still haunted by that day. It still dictates so much of my life. As said, it is not the only traumatic thing I've been through, and its not the only one to leave an impact. But its one of the earliest. And in many ways, it set the tone for my miserable teen years, which came about a couple years after this.

And I was not the only student she hurt, either. She was, by all estimations, a monster, and if there were any justice in the world she would have lost her job. But she didn't. As said, she was promoted to a significant caregiver position. It sucked then, it sucks now.

[cynosurus]

The character Helen Burns, the saintly and sickly school friend in Jane Eyre, gives strong signs of what we today would call ADHD like symptoms! Just listen to this, it fucking makes me cry. She has just been punished with the cane for being untidy, and this is how she talks of herself:

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"You say you have faults, Helen: what are they? To me you seem very good."

"Then learn from me, not to judge by appearances: I am, as Miss Scatcherd said, slatternly; I seldom put, and never keep, things in order; I am careless; I forget rules; I read when I should learn my lessons; I have no method; and sometimes I say, like you, I cannot bear to be subjected to systematic arrangements. This is all very provoking to Miss Scatcherd, who is naturally neat, punctual, and particular."

"And cross and cruel," I added; but Helen Burns would not admit my addition: she kept silence.

"Is Miss Temple as severe to you as Miss Scatcherd?"

At the utterance of Miss Temple's name, a soft smile flitted over her grave face.

"Miss Temple is full of goodness; it pains her to be severe to any one, even the worst in the school: she sees my errors, and tells me of them gently; and, if I do anything worthy of praise, she gives me my meed liberally. One strong proof of my wretchedly defective nature is, that even her expostulations, so mild, so rational, have not influence to cure me of my faults; and even her praise, though I value it most highly, cannot stimulate me to continued care and foresight."

"That is curious," said I, "it is so easy to be careful."

"For you I have no doubt it is. I observed you in your class this morning, and saw you were closely attentive: your thoughts never seemed to wander while Miss Miller explained the lesson and questioned you. Now, mine continually rove away; when I should be listening to Miss Scatcherd, and collecting all she says with assiduity, often I lose the very sound of her voice; I fall into a sort of dream. Sometimes I think I am in Northumberland, and that the noises I hear round me are the bubbling of a little brook which runs through Deepden, near our house;—then, when it comes to my turn to reply, I have to be awakened; and having heard nothing of what was read for listening to the visionary brook, I have no answer ready."

"Yet how well you replied this afternoon."

"It was mere chance; the subject on which we had been reading had interested me.

...

"And when Miss Temple teaches you, do your thoughts wander then?"

"No, certainly, not often; because Miss Temple has generally something to say which is newer than my own reflections; her language is singularly agreeable to me, and the information she communicates is often just what I wished to gain."

"Well, then, with Miss Temple you are good?"

"Yes, in a passive way: I make no effort; I follow as inclination guides me. There is no merit in such goodness."