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goddess-help-us · 2 years

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When everything you believed was a lie...

What would you do if the main belief system you followed throughout your life or, at least, through a good portion of it, suddenly seemed like a lie?

This is the position I find myself in as I'm grappling with my reality. I finally completed my move to Portland, the one thing I've been working aggressively towards for the last four years approximately (with varying levels of certainty, throughout that time). And now that I'm here I am having to finally realize that there is seemingly no grand organizing goal or objective around which to assemble my efforts and faculties in the same way that I had experienced under the academia-professionalism track; which began in 2009 upon the the beginning of high school, approximately, and continued through community college, undergraduate education, first job, graduate school, and ended with my hire at my current job. Only a small, meagre 13-year chunk's worth of my lived social-mental programming that I'm trying to undo. What could go wrong? 😜

I gave my life to this purpose. I worked almost half of my life to get to this point. It's no wonder I am having a faith crisis of sorts. And I mean that literally. Faith is simply a set of beliefs that you have. And, as my favorite life coach Amy Logan says, "a belief is simply a thought that you have on repeat." And the beliefs that I had on repeat for the last 13 years may have included some of the following:

Don't worry about anything else apart from staying the course; it'll all work itself out in the end.

Friends are a distraction. You need to stay focused on getting to the next level in your life.

Family will never really love or accept you. Don't get close to them. You'll find "your people" later on.

Devoting your life to school and work will somehow all be worth it in the end.

You need to get out of California. You will never achieve any kind of financial self-sufficiency or stability here.

And certainly don't get involved with anybody until you have finished graduate school. Afterwards a boyfriend/partner/husband will simply materialize magically because you will be "worthy" then. It's science.

The problem with beliefs is that you have faith in these thoughts/conclusions no matter how much they reflect reality. You don't see any holes that others might find and, if they point them out to you, then you naturally have to lean into apologetics if you truly believe them. And then you're in the realm of cognitive dissonance, which is always so fun.

Were these beliefs true? I think they were true for me during that time because I needed them to be true. Again, as Amy Logan says, "think the thoughts you need to think so you can get to where you want to be." And that I certainly did and excelled at doing. But in so doing, I did not give myself the space to really analyze whether they contained flaws. Here's the post-mortem evaluation on the above:

Things in life generally "work themselves out" but more so because of destiny and good fortune rather than because of concentrated effort.

The next level, or levels, of life are not really that enjoyable without friends to experience them with you. Don't let your career be a distraction from the importance of having friends.

The great thing about humans, including family, is their capacity to change. They will not change overnight. But with patience, you can win over almost anyone who really loves you, with some compromise. The people you put on the back burner to find, were actually there with you all along.

School and work will be financially worth it in the end, yes. Intellectually engaging too. However, secure and stable financials are only one measure of a good life. Unless you work for yourself, you will always find problems with most work and not really be in a position to do anything about it. It'll make you go crazy if you obsess over it so simply accept that it'll happen and move on.

It's even harder to be financially stable and self sufficient in California now than it was in the last decade. But that's the case almost everywhere. Getting out of California may lower the overall cost of living but you will pay for it in the lost human infrastructure from which you will isolate yourself and will have to rebuild twice.

You define yourself as worthy when you are ready to accept yourself for who you are at any moment. When you can do that then you will be ready for a relationship. Financial stability will help but is not the ultimate test you must pass to blossom into relationship readiness.

And I'm not saying any of this to say that nothing good has come from them. I have grown and developed dramatically as a result of the unwavering, unfaltering, persevering well of forbearance I drew upon for more than a decade to get to where I am now. I have effectively locked in my parents' socioeconomic class and protected their wealth through my own stability. They will now be able to comfortably retire with few worries about affording healthcare. I have locked in, for now, my ability to live on my own in a city out-of-state from my hometown.

Still, the cost I paid for this was high. I missed out and deferred many experiences in my 20s that I'll now spend my 30's figuring out. And I think the thing I feel the most now that I'm here "living the dream" is that I spent more than a decade sharpening my mind but I didn't spend as much time as I maybe should have on weaving networks of friends together.

#personal #thoughts #fall 2022 #portland

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nerdygaymormon · 3 years

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I don't know who else to talk to about this, so I'm hoping you can help. My boyfriend and I have become sexually active. (I'm female and straight.) I feel good about this decision because if we were to get pregnant we would be able to provide a stable home for the child (but we are still using birth control). Our relationship is awesome and it wouldn't surprise me if we ended up together for life.

I feel like God is happy with me and that I have the Spirit with me. However, I have been undergoing a faith crisis/transition for the last couple years. I love God very very much but have been struggling with my relationship with the church. I am a BYU student so I cannot leave the church yet, so I'm kind of in this awkward in between stage. (Your blog has been very helpful to me in trying to navigate this, so thanks!!)

But lately I've really been missing the temple. Temples in the area are starting to reopen, so I could feasibly attend after a year of them being closed. Again, I feel like I am where Heavenly Father wants me to be and I feel comfortable in mine and my boyfriend's decision to have sex, but the law of chastity question is still in the interview for a temple recommend. So what I want your opinion on is this: does my own belief of my personal worthiness determine if I can get a temple recommend? Or does my passing the checklist of temple recommend questions? I hope it is the former, but I really don't know.

I have lots of thoughts on this that I am happy to get into more if you'd like. Basically religious things are just complicated for me right now and being at BYU really really hinders any sort of real exploration of faith.

First, let me applaud you in that you thought about choosing to become sexually active, you contemplated the decision and feel good about your choice. Regardless of which choice you could’ve made, it’s good to think through important things like this, the risks, the pros & cons, the possible consequences.

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Secondly, oof, being at BYU and going through a faith crisis, or a reexamination of faith, that’s a tough place to do it.

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As for your question...

I sometimes get asked about going to the temple, how someone can think about the questions on tithing, word of wisdom, wearing the garments, and so on. We can talk about what these questions mean, how we can understand them for our circumstances.

I want people who go to the temple to feel like they belong, that they’re rightfully there, didn’t sneak their way in and worry that possibly they shouldn’t be there.

I don’t think you and I need to have that conversation, I feel like you understand that question on Law of Chastity pretty well.

The Church owns the temples and has setup a series of questions to determine if someone qualifies to enter. I have issues with their list of questions, I don’t think God cares a lot about the things their questions cover.

Most people in the world will never qualify to enter the temple, no matter how in tune they are with the Spirit or how well they live the gospel. Even most church members don’t qualify to got to the temple.

I think of my friend, John Gustav-Wrathall (JGW). He’s a gay man in a long-term partnership/marriage with a man, they raised a child, are contributing members of their community and help a lot of people. John was raised LDS and attends his ward, but is not allowed to take the Sacrament, go to the temple, and is banned from most callings.

He is excluded from having a basic relationship with the Church, but that doesn’t stop him from having a relationship with the Savior. Nothing that can stand between JGW and the love of God. God’s love is greater and stronger than the Church’s attempts to excommunicate, ban or reform him.

JGW believes God blesses & sanctifies his marriage. While the Church may be wrong about queer people, JGW doesn’t try to sneakily partake of the sacrament or find a way to enter the temple. He believes one day he’ll be allowed all the privileges and blessings of the gospel. If that means not partaking of the Sacrament or not entering the temple until the Second Coming when Jesus corrects things, so be it.

Queer people often see ourselves unfairly excluded from the gospel feast. JGW wants a seat at the feast of the gospel and is not content to snatch crumbs while those who guard the feast have their heads turned. He will wait to be invited to have a seat rather than begging for scraps.

I think non-queer members grow up to see going to the temple as an experience which is rightfully theirs, a place they belong. Same with the sacrament or other parts of the gospel overseen by the Church. They’re so used to having a seat at the table of the gospel feast, it’s really difficult when they find they no longer qualify, and consequently some are ready to do what they have to for what they feel is their rightful place at the table (or at least to keep the impression to others that they haven’t lost their seat)..

I don’t know you well enough to know if this fits you. I just find it interesting you know you don’t qualify to go to the temple under the Church’s rules but you are used to being able to go and therefore are contemplating what you’d have to say and how to justify it.

I don’t encourage people to lie to get into the temple and I’m sorry if the idea of being kept out is hurtful. I want you to get everything from your visit to the temple and think that happens when you feel like you qualify to be there.

I know for many queer people, they feel the spirit just fine at the temple grounds. For me, some of what is said or done in the temple is hurtful because it’s specifically queer-exclusionary, and I don’t find the spirit inside to be any stronger than on the outside, so I’m content not entering and having the spirit interrupted by those unkindnesses. Maybe that’s not enough for you, and if not, you know what the church qualifications are to go inside.

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I wish you well. I hope your relationship with your boyfriend develops into all you the potential you see in it. I hope you successfully complete your degree. I hope you continue to feel peace with the decisions you make and continue to feel the spirit.

#long post

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alliterative-albatross · 3 years

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So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again.

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise!

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory.

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs,

~ Jay

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najatheangel · 3 years

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Written Ship 🐶

Hey luv! I was wondering if I could do a written ship request for enhypen , txt, and nct dream ?

I’m a 5’5 skinny south Asian girl with layered long wavy dark hair (as in it goes down to my waist but I swear it’s healthy thanks to coconut oil )and dark eyes . I absolutely adore the color yellow oml it’s just one of those colors that makes me happy but at the same time I’m like indecisive cuz every color has its own vibes but i wine with yellow a lot . And for seasons idk I feel every season have something new it brings to the table so I can’t choose.. but I kinda like the colder seasons cuz I can wear my cozy sweaters lol. I’ve been doing classical dance for about 10 years and recently started doing urban for the past 3. I’m also learning contemporary cuz why not lol. I’m also such a art geek like I love to paint, draw, and even write from time to time. As for sports I do tennis oh and mbti type is ENFP . Sun sign Scorpio, moon in Aquarius, and rising Leo. [...]

I hope you’re having a good day and thank you for ur time ! 💞

@golden-fields-with-berries Hello darling thanks sooo much for requesting it was lovely getting to know you. Sorry you had to wait so long school is really has really been a pain in the ass lately and I had to get extra study time. Anyways enough of that here ya go boo…✨⭐️

From Enhypen, I ship you with…Jungwon

Positive Side: Your relationship will last a longtime. First of all, your both very talented in the area of dancing and have enough experience to the point where it can take you to big places in your careers. Your both very straight forward, focused and would use good strategies to accomplish goals together as partners. Communication between ESTJ and ENFP personality types tend to focus a lot on the big picture when it comes to real life experiences, each other’s history and facts on certain topics rather than theories. It’s a good thing, because your constantly keeping it real with each other and being realistic which can help for the both of you when it comes to making big decisions. As far as your interactions together, you both feed of each other’s energy. You both resemble golden retriever’s in a sense getting excited over going on dates, hanging out with each others friends and seeing each other enjoying a hobby together. He enjoys seeing you playing tennis with him even though he knows he you win every game and seeing you get excited about showing your artwork your artwork to him which made him super soft for you. Jungwon is the more younger and charming one in the relationship so he doesn’t fail to sweep you off your feet and will continue to prove himself to you how worthy of a boyfriend and support system he can be for you.

Negative Side: With him being the Aquarius and you being the Scorpio, it was hard at first to become a couple, because you both have similarities yet some differences which can be hard to accept. The differences I’m referring to can relate to your expectations and values when it comes building relationships. For example, Jungwon would want someone that thinks more with their mind mean while you would want someone that thinks more out of their heart. These small differences can cause some intense debates and question your both able to survive this relationship. It almost even cause you guys to break up because of this big divide between you two that’s hard to adjust.

But…: Because your both so different from each other, doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. At the end of the day, you both have love for each other and would help each other change for the better. It makes it a lot easier to agree to disagree and learn to respect each other views in life a little bit more. You might not be the most compatible in other people’s eyes, but you both know the what’s best for each other and would rather stick around with each other.

From Txt, I ship you with…Soobin

Positive Side: Very interesting loveable duo. Your both people that have a love and obsession with knowledge and learning new things whether it has to do with science, biology, psychology, etc…In the area you both click the most in is art and music. Of course you have more knowledge in the art department, but of course Soobin is all ears and will hear you talk for hours about the latest artwork from your favorite artists. He also love when you give him your most honest feedback on his songs because it helps him give suggestions to his other members and produce more better music to their fans. The relationship between Scorpio’s and Sagittarius tend to have a more stable connection and meet each other’s needs in a relationship. Soobin would give his input on certain situations your having trouble with whether it involves you messing up in school or getting into an argument with a friend. He tries the break down what you did wrong in the situation and how you can fix it without hurting their your feelings. Whenever he comes across an issue dealing with a scandal in his career or have any doubts within himself, you turn a negative into a positive and remind him why he’s in the music industry in first place. This bond overall is for the most part something you cherish for the rest of your young lifes.

Negative Side: Scorpios tend to have a hard time trusting people they’re closest to. Soobin is the one that’s more adventurous when it comes to traveling with you and coming up with more creative ways by expressing his love for you. The fact that his love for you is so strong, he’s constantly afraid that once he makes one mistake, there is no running back to you. Not saying that your extra strict on Soobin, but because trust is so important to you if Soobin ever lies, hides or betrays you on something huge then it’s hard to rebuild that bond you both worked so hard on building. Your biggest fear is almost similar where your afraid that because your so different from him, that it would be hard for Soobin to adjust.

But: Your both very honest and straight to the point that you both don’t have to worry about breaking that level of trust with each other. After staying together with him longer than a year all your worries start to wash away and you both finally can live stress free as a couple. Sometimes you still have your disagreements and blow outs, but it always ends on a high note. Soobin is the light that helps guide you to the right direction and your the

From Nct Dream, I ship you with…Renjun

Positive Side: Renjun is probably the best match out of everyone on this list. To start it off Scorpios get along very well with Aries because they have a very strong sexual chemistry. Depending on how they feel at that moment in time, the relationship starts off as lust and then love. In the case of Renjun being on the more innocent side and little experience with dating, it’s no secret that he wouldn’t deny his feelings for you out of love. From your point of you you enjoy having him around, admire his intelligence and his ability to stay committed to you while living his dream. Just like Soobin, you both love having deep conversations about each others hobbies, conspiracy theories and personal insecurities that your both struggling with. You are also very protective of each other and don’t ever take shit from anybody. If anyone tries to flirt with you or disrespect, Renjun would shut that down immediately scolding that person. You both think off of emotion and crave that when it comes to becoming affectionate with each other. Your both not the best with words, but better with actions. He’s multitalented in the art and music department as well so any art project or dance cover you wanted to work on together, Renjun won’t hesitate to join in with you. Both of your biggest deal breaker is tolerating liars and people that sneak around. Lastly, your level of trust is the most balanced out of everyone on the list, because you both can be clingy and jealous sometimes, but not to the point where it’s hurting your relationship.

Negative Side: When it comes to communication Renjun can be a fire cracker. Sometimes he can be very impatient and wants answers right away when it comes to having those deep conversations with you sometimes. Just like I mentioned earlier, you can be talking about how happy you are in your relationship with him and Renjun would either have a hard time expressing his emotions back by playfully brushing it off or pretend like he didn’t hear what you were saying which would hurt you. You wish sometimes Renjun would be better at expressing his love back at you with words as simple as “I love you too.” You both also try to be strong infront of each other and can’t sense what the other person is feeling half of the time.

But: Renjun is someone that can keep you on your feet and would always show signs of his love for you. Somedays he can be clingy and constantly texting because he’s missed you all day. When he shows small yet meaningful gestures it makes you 10x happier. Your friendship and faith in each other what helps your relationship last much longer with him. Remember if you didn’t experience bad days with him, you wouldn’t have good ones. :)

Out of everyone I ship you the most with…Renjun💎

#submission #kpop ships #enhypen ships #nct dream ships #txt ships #txt #soobin #enhypen #jungwon #nct dream #Renjun

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100dad · 3 years

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100 things that made me America’s Dad

#1 I had Sex. It is tough to be a Dad when you do not have a kid. Full credit due for invitro dads, for adoption dads, and stepdads. I am not trying to bash on anybody’s parade. I just did it the old-fashioned way. Had a lot of fun. It is a natural talent.

#2 I got my priorities in the right order. It is not about me anymore. Faith. Wife. Kids. Then me. My hobbies take a back seat. The gym became less important.

#3 I made my marriage a priority.

#4 I made sure I could financially provide. Check income. Track expenses. Budget.

#5 Financially prepared for the future. College. Retirement. Big Purchases. House. Cars. Etc.

#6 I made sure I had a Will.

#7 I made sure I had Life Insurance.

#8 I recognized that I am now a role model. I should at least act like it.

#9 I stayed optimistic about everything. Because pessimism sucks.

#10 Made sure Mom and Dad are on the same team.

#11 My discipline game was on point. Strong, Firm, Reasonable.

#12 I protected my family. From physical harm, spiritual harm, emotional harm, evil.

#13 I am thankful for everything. Where I was born. The people I have met. That guy that gave me an idea. The guy that said I couldn’t. The ones that said I could. To authors. To haters. To supporters. Everything. Everyone.

#14 I provide. A roof, food, and water. Stable home. Education. Unconditional love. Discipline. Consequences.

#15 Not rigid. I stay flexible. Not only in the sack. I’m not going to be rigid in my parenting. Times change. Kids have different personalities. I adjust accordingly.

#16 I shouldered the responsibility. And the blame. All of it. I can handle it.

#17 I set the tone at home. It’s what a leader does.

#18 Made sure our family name means something in our community. How we carry ourselves and how we treat others.

#19 A good home life was more important than faking it on social media.

#20 I made sure our house was a home.

#21 I kicked ass at work. I tried to be the best. Because that is how you succeed.

#22 I prepare my kids for the real world. Age appropriately, of course.

#23 My values and morals are firm. I do not compromise on those.

#24 I put in the effort. Because this is too important to wing it.

#25 I became good at relationships. It’s amazing what being nice, reliable, and offering help will do for your reputation.

#26 Humbled myself because I realized my ego will be my downfall.

#27 Perspective was everything. I learned to put myself in other people’s shoes.

#28 Taught my kids about guns. If I am going to have them, we might as well make sure safety is taught and they do not become forbidden fruit.

#29 I reassessed who I hung out with. I wanted to elevate myself not be held back.

#30 This is who I took advice from. People who actually did what I wanted to do. Good Dads. Good businessmen who built from scratch.

#31 Time. Quality and quantity. I recognized its importance in raising a family. Time is everything.

#32 Let my kids be them. Not what I wish I had been. My Values and morals are firm but I let their personalities and talents bloom.

#33 I read books to my kids. Good bonding. Good teaching moments.

#34 I Play with my kids. Both when it was fun as they get older and when it was boring when they just laid there.

#35 I remain Calm under pressure. Cool heads prevail over emotional drama queens.

#36 I build up my kids’ confidence. Because self-esteem does not result from being crushed all the time.

#37 I give them frequent reality checks. If I’m going to be humbled…so will they. This isn’t a fairy tale.

#38 Created a stable home environment. Rules, routine, predictability.

#39 Realized how much these kids see and absorb…..and modified my behavior.

#40 I hated negativity. Still do.

#41 Vices – not for me. I can say no. I can handle stress. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn, tobacco….I make sure my mind is more powerful than temptation.

#42 My secret formula. Hard work + Good Decisions + Faith =Success

#43 Failing does not bother me. In fact, it oddly is fun for me.

#44 Plowed thru fears. Pushed forward. No, what-ifs.

#45 Live without regret. I do not want to be 90 wishing I had been a better dad or tried to make something of myself.

#46 Not afraid to make the unpopular decision because I know it is the right decision.

#47 I do not get painted into corners. If A and B are the only options. I find or create an option C.

#48 I am not afraid to get weird and step outside my comfort zone.

#49 I did not say the things I wanted to say when I was angry. Because I knew I would regret it and once those things are said they never really get taken back.

#50 Loved taking those scary leaps toward opportunities.

#51 Gave my kids independence and freedom as they earned it.

#52 I am not a helicopter dad. But I do verify the trust and freedoms I have allowed are worthy.

#53 Comparison was motivation, not depression. I was never envious, just inspired.

#54 Our house had RULES. Because structure is important.

#55 I refused to sacrifice my family to excel in my career.

#56 I let my kids fail…. a lot.

#57 Became okay with asking for help…. letting go of that ego thing.

#58 Actions were more important than words…. anybody can say the words.

#59 I didn’t make excuses, I just got things done.

#60 Willingness to do what others would not. I found there is much value in doing the things others find demeaning or too hard.

$61 I found the best balance is balancing over longer periods of time. Not day to day or even weekly. More seasonal.

#62 I gave myself reality checks. Check that ego.

#63 I realized how good I have it. And I did my best to soak in that contentment.

#64 Recognized my kids’ genetics and focused on their talents, skills, and personalities.

#65 Respect is important. Earning it & Giving it.

#66 Bravery is important. Super important. Stand up for what I genuinely believe in.

#67 Raising my kids to be fully functional adults.

#68 I used short-term tactics with long-term visions.

#69 Pushed my kids to be better, braver, stronger.

#70 Teach my kids everything I can about life, so they are prepared when they enter the real world without me.

#71 Recognized how important dads’ role is in the family.

#72 I document a lot. It’s great for memories. Reflection. Appreciation.

#73 I controlled my kids' influences. What they see, experience, hear.

#74 Strong man- Kind heart.

#75 The secret to a good life is simply being happy.

#76 I do my best. Give my best. Because effort is huge!

#77 Realized my wife was insanely important to our life.

#78 I drive our family value home repeatedly. No one and done. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

#79 Started my own businesses giving us control of our lifestyle.

#80 Worked close to home because I hated the idea of traffic instead of family.

#81 Made big efforts to be incredibly involved in my kids’ lives. Even the not so fun things.

#82 We switched to homeschooling. More time. More freedom. More control of influences.

#83 Knew my priorities in life. Faith. Family. Work. Friends.

#84 Budgeting was a huge deal. Both of us stayed involved and adhered to it. Neither of us wasted our hard-earned money.

#85 I did not borrow money. No partners. No inheritance. All on my own. No scapegoats. No crutches.

#86 Willing to do unpopular things and go against the grain. Because going along with crowds seems so…. basic.

#87 Cared more about building a net worth than impressing people.

#88 Despite mediocre grammar skills I enjoy writing out my thoughts. Creates clarity and conviction!

#89 Never traveled as a kid, Limited travel as an adult= Strong desire to travel!

#90 Sold a valuable business to the right company at the right time. Luck helps. Luck seems to happen to people who work really hard and do the right things.

#91 Realized having cash and no debt gives you options and freedom and tremendous peace of mind.

#92 Set huge, big goals. Never achieved them totally. But when I came up short, I still did great!

#93 Never afraid of work…even hard work, willing to outwork everyone.

#94 My hobby was my family and work. I excelled at the 2 things I focused most on.

#95 Leaned heavily on my Faith. Put my worries, struggles, anxieties on shoulders bigger than mine.

#96 I knew I did not want to replicate the bad parts of my father …but I did want to replicate the good parts.

#97 Married a girl with the same values and morals as me. With similar goals. With similar ethics. With the same determination to work through bad times and build a good life.

#98 Looked at my ancestry and wanted to become a legend in my family. I wanted our name to really mean something.

#99 Lived a life that if someone wants to dig into it there is nothing to find. Squeaky clean.

#100 Wrote down our family values. This became our compass and roadmap.

100% Dad is currently on tour traveling the country promoting the 100% Dad brand. Townsend Russell is the Founder and Personality for 100% Dad. Townsend has been on the tour for over 15 months with his family with plans to continue until January 2023. Townsend sold his businesses and retired in 2019 and has been building 100% Dad and creating insane memories with his family along the way.

Find out more about 100% Dad on the website 100dad.com

Rep the brand on 100dad.com/shop

Follow on Insta @100Dad

Youtube channel 100% Dad

#dadlife #dads #dad #fatherhood #father

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ilikelookingatthings · 4 years

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Miraculous ladybug love square part 3

As for ladybug’s treatment of chat. She cares about him. They are clearly friends and she can play with his jokes sometimes as well. She trusts him to get his side of the job done most of the time. She doesn’t treat him with kid gloves andcan get angry at him but also make up with him. She had faith that it wasnt the real chat in copycat. She proclaimed he was important in antibug on the roof and was willing to risk her identity to untie himfrom a pole. and she trusted he’d catch adrien if she was unable to. She isn’t the best listener when it comes to chat. assuming his flirting wasn’t serious. Didn’t trust his advice when facing volphina, or antibug, or miraculer. she often leaves him out of the lop but it can be argued thats more tikki and master fu’s call on the situation. She does worry about and care about him. even if sometimes she might think its a given he’ll be there. and her comfort to express her emotions means sometimes she can go a bit too far like when she said she didn’t trust him anymore and she didn’t think about how that migt affect their dynamic because she was used to the fight and make up route and it was her way of expressing how upset she was. she alsohas the double standard when itcomes to treating civilian adrien super nice compared to chat noir. but thats kindof a given with crushes. Ladybug did listen to his feelings in glacatiour and doesn’t force him to stop expressing himself entirely like with the yellow rose. but honestly its easier to argue adrien has a secert mini attraction to her civilian self than it is to picture ladybug having a crush on chat. but we have seen her jealous over herself when it comes to chat. and ladybug was more likly to believe adrien betrayed her idntity in a timeline than the idea that adrien and chat could be the same person.

I love maribug and I know how much she cares. but even if her nerves and fears are relatable...its hard to give my all in supporting her when she isn’t honest with him about her feelings.

Adrien has a bunch of loved ones who are all really weird at communicating. They all love him but they are ALL realy bad at showing it to him and aren’t always good at loving him even if they do love him. like his dad(yes even his participation trophy of a dad), nathalie, gorilla, chloe and plagg aren’t very strait forward in their affections. pretty emotionally stunted and arent the best at emotion talks. Kagami is still learning to be more expressive and vulnerable even though she is strait forward. but as much as I love mari and knows she cares....her loving him doesn’t exactly do adrien any good if he never knows she cares. as much as I ship adriennette adrien deserves someone to tell him they love him and mari isn’t doing a good job of getting that across. and due to how deeply mari feels I can’t help but imagine she would not be able to take a rejection very well and stay adrien’s friend like how chat is with ladybug.

and now lets dicuss the lukanette and kagadrien ships.

Luka is a sweetheart. he is mature and stable. he can understand mari’s feelings very easily and he never pressures her. she can easily talk to him. He is very supportive and mari is comfortable being vulnerable around him and talking about feelings. Luka also picks up mari’s social ques unlike adrien who struggles with mari at times. they are both creative people. He gives her a place to relax without judgment and support no matter what she chooses. and He made it clear that he likes her romantically and clearly let her know he likes her. That takes away more anxiety. He also knows about her feelings for adrien. He has good hero qualities(was even chat/adrien approved). and he lets mari go at her own pace which is refreshing when you think about her friends and even herself who tend to get impatient for romance and shov extreme shipping moments down our throats. luka makes mari feel wanted and he DID turn her compass. somthing chat hasn’t even done. though mari had decided to stay focused on adrien for a while still. She doesn’t put herself own or think luka is out of her league unlike what she does with adrien. and luka is available to hang out whenever unlike adrie who has to bale due to his dad alot

downsides is luka might be too chill. mari often needs boosts that prompt her to certain aths and lukas chillness might make her not commit as much since it seems fine. Luka is selfless an its great for mari to figure her own feelings. but it does let mari someone be insensative or hurt luka due to not thinking of his feelings. and it gives the impression that luka could easily let her go. that he wouldnt fight for her or specifically for HIS feelings for her. he is also a year older and mature which could have issues because she ISN’T mature at times. luka soothes but chat is good at cheering her up or distracting her from her issues and chat actually points out when he disagrees with something. we don’t see luka standing up for his own feelings or admitting mari might have hurt him at times. like in desperada with her reaction toward kagami and adrien. or her choosing adrien to play guitar rather than the obvious luka. anf if luka has issues he doesn’t strait up tell mari unlike what chat or drien does. so mari might miss extra stuff when it comes to luka as a friend or romantically because luka seems good at communication.

Kagami has good things and bad things with adrien.

Kagami is straitforward about her feelings so thats good because expecting adrien to guess feelings and respond isnt exactly fair. both of them enjoy fencing and competeing against one another. they both enjoy the adrenaline rush in fencing or in akuma battles. both understand the other aren’t the best at social Qs. They both can hand out during parent schedualed activities unlike adrien’s other friends. kagami and adrien make jokes together. sneak out together. and cal talk about their over baring parents and understand eachother in that regard. Both admire ladybug and both admire marinette. both know the importance of validating your own feelings and can be honest with eachother. Adrien can teach kagami that winning isnt everything and the more softer emotions and jokes like how adrien got her her fencing sabre after she lost and was upset andfelt like a failure. and adrien can introduce kagami to even more friends. and kagami knows about his other crush. and kagami can teach adrien to be firmer with boundaries.

down sides is kagami might be straightforward but she also does hide some of her vulnerable and soft emotions from adrien and how invested she really is. they both move pretty quickly when it comes to love. and kagami isn’t the most sensitive I guess at times. and Kagami might treat him like a regular friend but they ARE both a little pressured by their parents to make this work. and kagami is still working through her own perfectionist tendencies and her seeing things as matches. winning, losing and points. adrien also can be prone to pressure at times. so kagami might accidentally pressure him with her aggressive stances at times. and we know adrien still has some feelings for ladybug so that could trouble thingsif that persists. kagami seems like a open book that adrien might forget to look deeper o find moe of her issues. and kagami isnt exactly a expert on softness or feelings. and they might be feeing the way they do out of expectation from the parents. or just wanting more time together and mistaking that for love when they don;t have much experience.

plus of course the secert identity issues. and they might forget to let moments breath.

both adrien and kagami are similar.

and mari and luka are similar.

only adrien has a selfless streak in him and mari doesn’t always want to be selfless and wants to be selfish about feelings.

#miraculous ladybug #ladybug #luka #lukanette #kagami #kagadrien #marinette #adrien #chat noir #ladynoir #ladrien #marichat #newyork

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jimmigmalingan · 3 years

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Her Name Is Not “baby”, It’s JANET.

It’s not “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty” either, although just as iconic.

What better way to celebrate Women’s Month than to get to know a great embodiment of a strong and powerful woman. In fact, so strong and so powerful that my instinctive reaction when I first saw the invite to her journalism class was “Oh no.”

That was the G-Rated version of it actually. Nevertheless, same message.

I barely even knew who she was or what her teaching style was going to be like. Her G-suite display picture just exuded “Oh no” energy. I mean that as a compliment.

I went straight to my friend from elementary school who shifted to Communication a year earlier than I did. I said “Do you have any tea on her?” The first thing he told me was that she had very high standards.

I like that, actually.

Back when I was in high school, which seems like very long time despite only having been a whopping three years, those were the types of teachers that I would consider my favorite ones. Ma’am Rachel from my English class, and Ma’am Elma from my Research and Biology class. Both of which actually went on to be school heads in different schools after we graduated.

I’m just here thinking to myself “God, I would’ve been excelling at her class if it isn’t for this stupid pandemic.” I clearly am not. We will get to that soon.

When we had the chance to organize an interview as a class, it invigorated me a tad bit. This is the closest I can get to having human interaction in an academic sense, but it was also my chance to have an idea or two of who ‘Janet Tibaldo’ was. Is she going to be the bane of my existence for the next four or so years or is she going to be alongside the people who I consider to be my “heroes”?

To my surprise, she’s very, well... human.

From what I’ve gathered in both of the interviews, our class’ and the other, she is a woman of strength. She is a passionate educator, a dedicated mother, and most of all, a woman of faith and devotion. In both of the interviews, she often emphasizes the importance of the “vertical relationship” in her life, and how it can have a positive effect in one’s horizontal relationships.

I do appreciate those remarks from her quite a bit, despite me having a rockier and more complex relationship with God as a queer person. I never considered myself an atheist. I do believe in God, and I believe that I am loved by God, despite knowing that people out there will try to convince me otherwise.

How could he possibly hate me when I pray to him too and he answers them just the same? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

When she said that you can fix your horizontal relationships once your vertical relationship is stable, it did strike a cord just as much as it struck a verve in me. I am trying to. It took me a while, but nevertheless I’m glad that I am here.

She often described herself as “strict”, both as a parent and an educator. It often surprises me how much bombardment my friend from elementary experiences from her subjects. The way he describes it to me sounds a bit like torture. I always took his words about her with a grain of salt. I will probably never believe him until I experience it first hand. He did say I was lucky that I shifted during online classes because she is a bit more lenient, otherwise I would’ve been dead meat.

If she was the monster that she’s painted out to be, I do understand why. It’s not like I don’t have a maternal figure or two in my life with eerily similar approaches. Like I said, she is a bit more human than what one would expect. She talked about her sleepless nights to dedicate herself onto her work, how she takes it upon herself when things go wrong, and how she said she hopes for a better and more empathetic world when I asked about her hopes for the future. To me she sounds like a person who stands her ground and knows exactly what she wants, even if it gets the best of her at times.

With that, she shared a peek of her younger days, how she spent her childhood during the Martial Law era, how newscasters on TV sparked her interest in the field of Communication, how in her college days they made do with the resources they had back then, emphasizing how lucky we are to have the technology we have now, how she was an activist back in the day. It painted a picture in my mind. Ahhh. No wonder.

There has always been ‘fire’ inside of her. A fire that lead her to be an educator today, despite having left the path of being a media practitioner.

I did think about it a couple of times. If being a visual artist doesn’t work out for me, maybe I’ll just teach. To me, it looks fun. She did say that she never thought in a million years that she would end up becoming a teacher because she thought it looked boring. According to her, lot of her family members ended up becoming teachers and she never wanted to be one of them. Maybe there’s some ugly parts of it that I don’t get to see, but it seems like a much more stable career path than visual arts, especially in a country like this.

Just from the interviews alone, you can tell that she has so much wisdom to offer in this field. That makes me all the more excited to meet her in person. If anything, there’s your proof right there that God is out there writing poetic justice for people. Maybe it was God’s way of saying “I have something better in mind for you, you just have to trust me.”

Another standout from the interviews was when she told all of us as a piece of advice that we should grab opportunities as they come. Oftentimes, the biggest regrets you have in life aren’t the things you did but the things you didn’t do. I have to admit, the main reason why this music video is taking too long to make is because of self doubt and insecurity. She’s right. I should toughen up a bit, shouldn’t I? Not only that, but there’s a lot of competitions that I found interesting in the facebook group that I just allowed to pass me by. I don’t want to blame my years in Architecture for it, because it did cause me some good. It’s just that I knew what I was running away from after years of feeling like I will never amount to anything.

I knew that. If anything I was way bolder when I left high school, only for Architecture to beat me down. It does take someone like her to remind me of who I was then.

When I was going through my depressive episode late last year, ultimately leading me to shift to Communication, I found myself seeking refuge in the music of Janet Jackson. As a matter of fact, I shared her music to the same friend I mentioned earlier, and now he’s a fan too. We’d often joke about which Janet we were talking about in the conversation.

On one hand, we have Janet the popstar, who despite being blacklisted by Bush’s racist and misogynistic America, kept on going. She kept performing and making music for as recent as 2018, and now she’s inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. On the other, we have Janet the teacher, who keeps holding on to her faith despite all of the trials and challenges that came her way all these years.

What’s it about Janets being fiery passionate women anyway?

That actually leads me to my next point of interest.

What moved me the most about both of the interviews was her openness about her struggles with mental health, and how she refers students to seek help as well back when classes were physical. I don’t think conversations like these were possible back in the day, especially when I was a child. Apparently I didn’t have ADHD I was just an idiot, and people like me get punished for their idiocy. That was my upbringing, and it’s so refreshing to know that kids nowadays are lucky to have a ‘zeitgeist’ like this.

I was brought up for the longest time in the idea that if you show any signs of vulnerability, you are weak. It took some time for me to ‘rewire’ my brain and undo all of that...

because that is blatantly false.

If anything, for me, it further solidified how strong she was. It takes so much strength to admit that you’re human. It takes so much courage to tell yourself that you probably need help because you struggle in this aspect of your life. It is so easy to pretend that you can take everything like a champ and you don’t need anyone to help you.

The easy route was to say “I’m fine” or “I’m doing good” when asked a simple question “How are you?”, the hard route is to ask yourself that same question “How am I?” and be honest and introspective about it.

She did just that. She took the hard route.

She said she was having trouble sleeping and that she had to consult a mental heath expert for that recently, and that this pandemic made it particularly hard for her to juggle work and home matters.

I don’t think she will ever understand how a simple statement like that inspires someone like me, because what I got from that was ‘if somebody as strong and as passionate as her bleeds the same way that I do, I too can be strong like her.’

I just booked my appointment to my therapist yesterday. I haven’t seen her in quite some time now. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this, despite going there for feeling alone. Ironic, isn’t it? I feel like I’m running out of friends, and it’s starting to feel like paralysis, really.

After the interview ended, and I finished watching the interview from the other block, I couldn’t grasp the idea of this woman being taken as a monster, because the only words I could think of in association to her thus far is ‘uplifting’ and ‘inspiring’, in the same way that Ma’am Rachel was one of the people who inspired me to be a a cartoonist and Ma’am Elma inspired me to be a competitive dancer.

I had to give up three years worth of friendships to start back from scratch and to be here. I was actually so unsure if it was even worth the sacrifice, but Ma’am Janet Tibaldo, out of all people, showed me something to look forward to in this field. Based on what I’ve gathered from her, I’m up for a good time.

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spiritmoony · 3 years

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The Loyalists, Enneagram Type Six

Positives: committed, security-oriented, engaging, responsible, reliable, hard-working, responsible, trustworthy, excellent "troubleshooters," foresee problems, foster cooperation, internally stable, self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others, dutiful

Negatives: anxious, suspicious, defensive, evasive, complaining while stressed, cautious, indecisive, reactive, defiant, rebellious, problems with self-doubt and suspicion, fearful, pessimistic

Basic Fear: being without support and guidance

Basic Desire: security and support

Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: "The Defender"

Enneagram Six with a Seven-Wing: "The Buddy"

Key Motivations: security, support by others, certitude, reassurance, test attitudes of others toward them, fight against anxiety and insecurity

Direction of Disintegration (stress): suddenly competitive and arrogant at Three

Direction of Integration (growth): more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nine

Of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied. Their beliefs may be rebellious and anti-authoritarian, even revolutionary. In any case, they will typically fight for their beliefs more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.

They are so loyal because they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone, and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them.

Sixes have the most trouble contacting their own inner guidance. As a result, they do not have confidence in their own minds and judgments.

This does not mean that they do not think. On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them. They want to avoid being controlled, but are also afraid of taking responsibility in a way that might put them “in the line of fire.” (The old Japanese adage that says, “The blade of grass that grows too high gets chopped off” relates to this idea.)

If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear. (“I’m on my own! What am I going to do now?”) A good question for Sixes might therefore be: “When will I know that I have enough security?” Or, to get right to the heart of it, “What is security?” Without Essential inner guidance and the deep sense of support that it brings, Sixes are constantly struggling to find firm ground.

Sixes attempt to build a network of trust over a background of unsteadiness and fear. They are often filled with a nameless anxiety and then try to find or create reasons why. Wanting to feel that there is something solid and clear-cut in their lives, they can become attached to explanations or positions that seem to explain their situation. Because “belief” (trust, faith, convictions, positions) is difficult for Sixes to achieve, and because it is so important to their sense of stability, once they establish a trustworthy belief, they do not easily question it, nor do they want others to do so. The same is true for individuals in a Six’s life: once Sixes feel they can trust someone, they go to great lengths to maintain connections with the person who acts as a sounding board, a mentor, or a regulator for the Six’s emotional reactions and behavior. They therefore do everything in their power to keep their affiliations going. (“If I don’t trust myself, then I have to find something in this world I can trust.”)

"About nearly every decision would involve a council of my friends. Please make up my mind for me! Recently, I’ve narrowed my authorities to just one or two trusted friends, and on occasion, I’ve actually made up my own mind!"

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. Because of this reactivity, no matter what we say about Sixes, the opposite is often also as true. They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on. It is the contradictory picture that is the characteristic “fingerprint” of Sixes, the fact that they are a bundle of opposites.

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.

Levels of Development

Healthy:

Level 1 (At Their Best): self-affirming, trusting of self and others, independent yet symbiotically interdependent, cooperative, belief in self, courage, positive thinking, leadership, rich self-expression

Level 2: able to elicit strong emotional responses from others, very appealing, endearing, lovable, affectionate, trust, bonding with others, forming permanent relationships and alliances

Level 3: dedicated to individuals and movements they deeply believe in, community builder, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, hard-working, persevering, sacrificing for others, create stability and security in their world, bring a cooperative spirit

Average:

Level 4: investing their time/energy into whatever they believe will be safe/stable, organizing, structuring, look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity, constantly vigilant, anticipating problems

Level 5: resist having more demands made on them, react against others passive-aggressively, evasive, indecisive, cautious, procrastinating, ambivalent, highly reactive, anxious, negative, giving contradictory "mixed signals," internal confusion, react unpredictably

Level 6: compensate for insecurities by being sarcastic and belligerent, blaming others for their problems, taking a tough stance toward "outsiders," highly reactive and defensive, dividing people into friends and enemies, looking for threats to their own security, authoritarian while fearful of authority, highly suspicious, conspiratorial, fear-instilling to silence their own fears

Unhealthy:

Level 7: fearing they ruined their security, panicky, volatile, self-disparaging, acute inferiority feelings, see themselves as defenseless, seek out a stronger authority or belief to resolve all problems, highly divisive, disparaging, berating others

Level 8: feeling persecuted, others are "out to get them," lash-out, act irrationally, fanaticism, violence

Level 9: hysterical, seeking to escape punishment, self-destructive, suicidal, alcoholism, drug overdoses, self-abasing behavior, corresponds to the Passive-Aggressive and Paranoid personality disorders

Addictions: rigidity in diet causes nutritional imbalances, working excessively, caffeine and amphetamines for stamina, alcohol and depressants to deaden anxiety, higher susceptibility to alcoholism than many types

Personal Growth Recommendations

Be more present to your anxiety, explore it, and come to terms with it. Work creatively with your tensions without turning to excessive amounts of alcohol (or other drugs) to allay them. In fact, if you are present and breathing fully, anxiety can be energizing, a kind of tonic that can help make you more productive and aware of what you are doing.

You tend to get edgy and testy when you are upset or angry, and can even turn on others and blame them for things you have done or brought on yourself. Be aware of your pessimism: it causes you dark moods and negative thought patterns that you tend to project on reality. When you succumb to this self-doubt, you can become your own worst enemy and may harm yourself more than anyone else does.

Tend to overreact when they are under stress and feeling anxious. Identify what makes you overreact. Realize that almost none of the things you have feared so much has actually come true. Even if things are as bad as you think, your fearful thoughts weaken you and your ability to change things for the better. You cannot always manage external events, but you can manage your own thoughts.

Become more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person. This will mean risking rejection and stirring up some of your deepest fears, but the risk is worth taking. You have a gift for getting people to like you, but you are unsure of yourself and may be afraid of making a commitment to them. Therefore, come down clearly on one side or the other of the fence in your relationships. Let people know how you feel about them.

Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate about others' attitudes toward you.

#long post #Enneagram six

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ferie-anon · 4 years

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Hello. I saw doing it for someone else so I thought maybe you could do it for me too. Can you analyze my chart and tell me who would I get on well with from ateez I am Sun-Gemini,moon- Capricorn,mercury-cancer,Venus-Gemini,mars-taurus,Jupiter-virgo,pluto-Scorpio,Uranus/Neptune-Capricorn,Saturn-Aquarius

I’ll just do sun, moon, mercury, venus, and mars ^_^ Gemini sun and capricorn moon, you are quick-witted yet dilligent, there’s a strong disposition within your mentality, and you can make for a very executive systematic person. Your sun gemini can have many ideas and impulse, while your capricorn moon is able to put forth your thoughts and processes into action. Your mercury is in cancer, and these natives may have a emotional expressive tone to them, that others may feel inclined to easily communicate with them. Combined with your sun gem and moon cap, you may convey yourself as intuitive and sensitive, your cap moon may make you cut down to the chase/blunt so your cancer mercury may convey this thought, sometimes capriciously. Your venus is in gemini, you look/are attracted to those who bring adventure or new interesting things to your life. Gemini venus ppl value talking and getting to know their partner/close friends deeply, they also want an intriguing partner in these aspects, someone that can grasp their attention all the time through communicative smooth ways. Lastly, your mars is in taurus. Taurus mars are people who are very stable in their approaches for their goals, never seaying they have a resolute feel to them about their aspirations, patient and enduring. Temperament-wise, taurus mars rarely get mad as they manage to stay calm by suppressing or enduring emotions, and can push for their thoughts better than some, ex: when they have something to say they will initiate it, though it won’t be in a flashy/dramatic way. And taurus is a fixed sign, having it in the mars can create a stubborn attitude towards the world and actions/execution, in a good and bad way.

In Ateez.... your match is san!

San is compatible not only cuz “he’s literally the member that stands out or catches people’s interest” with a lot of reasons atinies are aware of lol. His dancing and expressiveness of music and passion visible, San’s personality and overall feel of music and emotions are conveyed as a bright ray of sunshine peaking through with full force but sometimes will form clouds to shield you from the blinding rays. San is naturally caring, loves to give affection to his close ones, and overall has an understanding nature within him. He is a cancer sun, and I think he would match well with your personality, or maybe the word is balance or fill out what you need/lack. You as a gemini sun and cap moon, internally yearn for someone to love them when in the romantic aspect, to understand them or someone that shares their warmth with you. With his cancer sun, he is easily able to interpret emotions by feel, so even if you try to mask your sadness or emotions, San will just know. At first meeting, San thinks you’re intelligent and mature, admiration was soon followed by curiousity and something more. You were just someone who wants to be figured out or found out, and curiousity embellished in both of you guys, an inner connection is formed.

San’s moon is in taurus, similarly both of you guys have a calm demeanor. San with his placement, may feel easier to assert his thoughts and actions at his own pace/conditions, yet taurus moon sometimes dislike stepping out of his comfort zone. Whereas, you feel it is easier to assert your actions and goals when you decide to do so/set your mind to it. You both have a realistic attitude, yet the difference remains in how each of you projects it. San with his taurus moon, may project his realistic nature in a more down to earth way or digestable way, something like “life will always have obstacles or you can’t always avoid everything,” is how San may convey his mindset to others and himself and then put his motivation forward to work through it. I think with capricorn moon(you) are a bit more blunt about it, like you may know the responsibilities and prioritize the important stuff to you, yet I think you may be harsher about it towards yourself. It’s sorta like capricorn moons just had to deal with it or knew they had to deal with responsibilities, so I feel like you may have that suppressed thought of naturally forced to take on responsibility without mentally prepared, professional attitude born out of a survival instinct. San can be a pillar of support, someone to tell you that you don’t have to push yourself too hard, or maybe there for you after a long day or a stressful moment. A moment where you could feel vulnerable, without having to shelter your emotions. You two would have a healthy mental chemistry together.

His mercury is in... leo~ People with this placement have a sunny disposition or very energetic way of communicating, sorta like ppl with infectious smiles that causes others to smile along, similarly San could cheer up anyone or make them laugh with his humor and words. Or just by being himself, San :P. Your mercury is in cancer, and I think you two would be endearing and passionate when communicating, well it’s more of San being super hyper every time with you, but his hyperness and energy puts your cancer mercury to comfort or relaxed when talking with him. I think particularly you need someone that is similar but a bit opposite of your form of communication. Ex: bright enthusiasm/willing to listen and actively engage with your thoughts/conversations is wut appeals to you. Leo mercuries are sorta the opposite of mellowness, yet they may seem more open or less distant so it allows others to feel less awkward. Your warm communication with San’s vivid/artistic communication get along well, you both appreciate each other and listen intently. San would be your cheerleader, while you could be his caretaker 🐥.

San’s venus is in leo! Leo venuses love with their HEART. Most leo venuses love gifting their partner, or just really showers with love for them. They usually compliment them a lot or always with them seeking attention, loyally cuddly. Your gemini venus feels intrigued by San’s lovable ways and creative romantic ways. Leo venuses always has something to surprise their s/o with, and it’s usually very touching and romantic. Your gemini venus feels always in a rosy atmosphere with San’s leo venus ^^. You both have similar needs in a relationship, genuine feelings and communications/connecting. Leo venuses dislike fake admiration and love, and gemini venus people don’t want people that shut off communciation from them. San can provide you with the attention and conversations any day, each time with sparkling eyes and heart eyes during an engaging convo. San also appreciates you being real, willing to talk about things deeply and your affection shown through your words, you both feel a mutual chemistry and genuine adoration towards each other within this aspect. I feel like you both would be the couple video games/games, while San’s half playing the console and half hugging you and you’re beating him in the game at the same time lol.

Next up, his mars is in scorpio. San is determined, goal driven with passion for the things he loves to do/interests. It also shows in his attitude towards initiating his motives, scorpio mars allows him to be more assertive and have a keen sense of what he desires and executes it. Scorpio mars people are actually quite selfless/would do a lot for their partner once in love, like once you have their trust they put their faith in you. Your taurus mars similarly values loyalty and trust, someone to stay and have faith in you as well as be faithful. You both would bond easily, desiring and fulfilling each other’s values, and retain similar mindsets as both scorpio and taurus are fixed signs aka adept at being stable and pursuing the goals/ideas/opinions of themselves. In this aspect, trust really is important and inhabited here.

Overall, I think you two have an uncanny connection, whether emotionally or in a physical action, there seems to be a mutual comprehension of each other present here. Unsaid thoughts and emotions left interpreted by the other, you two sorta feel like lost birds that found their nest. Probs the couple everyone admires at their chemistry and love. Ppl would envy the natural and just pleasant pure affectionate look you two give off when interacting~

#ask #ateez #astrology kpop ships #san

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nonbinaryresource · 4 years

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ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities. A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

#mod pluto #validation #exorsexism #gatekeeping #exclusionism #long post #identity policing #self care #identity #coping #queer #lgbt #mod tera #anonymous #ask #answered #asked #nonbinary

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princessmichelleancheta · 3 years

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Hi everyone! I’m here to tell something or describing about myself before we go to succeeding content of this blog. Everyone is different from the rest of others. There is nothing without the purpose in this world. Every individual has some different purposes.Also, humans are the best creation, and each of us is exclusive. Thus, when I write about expressing or describing myself, I write something about my journey, expressing myself that what I see, what I experience and what I plan for my life. I try myself to be modest, be passionate about my reams and hobbies, live honestly, and work hard to achieve all of the things that I want to make.

I’m from the middle-class family of Ancheta, wherein I am Princess Michelle Leal. In this life, nobody comes in this world without the love and support of family and friend. Actually whatever ypu will be, it is because of your family.

My father namely Armando Catacutan Ancheta wherein he is a famer and my mother namely Romana Tutaan Leal Ancheta where she as an occupation of Liaison officer. They both embraced and love their occupation and with that thing, I have learned a lot from my parents like how they value their time, being honest,and for being a hardworking person.

My mother gave birth to three children and I am the youngest child in family. My two brothers namely Siegfreid L. Ancheta and Edwin L. Ancheta wherein thy have already finished their study and also they have their own job until now and with that statement, I just the only child that is still studying now in family. Being the youngest child in family is very hard and it is not easy for me most especially that my siblings are already finished their study and have their own job. Yes, I am one of the luckiest child in the family because I experience the things that they didn’t experience in the past but I am the one who is sad today because they left me but not all days are not we together especially to my second brother who is working in Mallig Plains Rural Bank Inc. That he is able to go home but the oldest sibling in family didn’t able to go home because he is working on abroad wherein he is OFW.

In terms of my study, I am studying now at St. Paul University Philippines. I feel happy to be a part of this school with good friends, helpful, and loving teacher even though we cannot meet in personal but we already meet through virtual. I can say on my own that I have a little skills in some subjects whereas I am very weak in few.

In compare to my studies, I am little bit good at sports which is in chess that this is I considered as my strength and also each person has different hobbies and doing different things gives them joy. I considered that capturing natural resources, playing a guitar, and singing are my hobbies. This is all I want to do if I am being bored an also if I’m doing nothing in home. I want to improve my strength and most especially to my hobbies that is playing a guitar and singing because it is the one that I considered as I serve myself to God in our church and I am proud that I am the one of singer and guitarist in our church which is the religion of mine is Union Espiritista Cristiana de Filipinas Incorporada because serving to god is one of the most important thing for me.

In every individual, we have our own weaknesses, so have also like I am not good in terms of drawing, how to communicate to a crow people,how to swim, also I am not fluent on how to speak in English language, but those weaknesses makes me stronger, also it can help me to focus on improving myself, it can help me to fight mental illnesses and the last one is that, it can help me becomea better version of myself. In that situation, I try my best to overcome my weaknesses.

In terms of my ambition in life, everybody has an ambition. Aim or ambition is the inner aspiration of us. No one of us can do anything in the world without aim. So all of us should be determined about aim in life.

While many people have dreams of becoming a lawyers, nurses,and doctors, I have always wanted to be an Accountant someday because becoming an Accountant is my dream when I was younger so that I pursue my study to achieve that dream of mine someday with the help of God.

My parents have always supported my dreams and aspirations . According to them, the most important thing that we have to do to achieve our goal is to pray because praying is God wants to bring us closer to Him. Prayer is our tool to win that battle.Prayer gives us the strength and the faith to finish the race victorious. And also to attain our goals in life, we have to do is to work very hard and never give up on them. So I hope that you will enjoy my blog. I hope you like it. THANK YOU.😊🥰❤

So now, we go or we will proceed to the first content of my blog which is the Question and Answer portion. I am going to answer the given question by my teacher in the subject, Empowerment Technology.

Where do I see myself 10 years from now?

I see myself 10 years from now with God’s grace. I will be an Accountant someday with the help of God. I will have a decent and stable job, good manager, and I will earn a lot of money to pay back for the sacrifices of my parents during those times that I’m still studying and to do what the things that I dream for an also I will be able to build my dream house someday. 10 years from now, I visualize myself as a woman who has a numerous struggle someday but won’t give up for she has a dream . To sum it all, 10 years from now, I will be SUCESSFUL.

Is my learning in SPUP vital to where I’m leading to?

I think my learning in SPUP are vital that will lead me to what I want in my life it is because they taught me the things that I must learn to pursuing adventure what I want in life.

2.Was ABM the best choice after all?

For me, the ABM strand is the best choice that I choose it is because it is related and connected with the course that I take comes with the college level.

3.What course will you take in college and why?

The course that I take in college is that Bachelor of Science in Accountancy because I am now in the ABM strand and most especially the reason why I take that course when I’m in college level someday it is because that is one of my dream life since I was young and also I want to become an Accountant someday with the help of God like my aunty,and my cousin’s in my mother and father side.

What topic would you like to learn more in this subject?

The topic that I would like to learn more in this subject is that how to use the modern technology because nowadays,technology is more on advance so I want to know more, in order for me to not lost my knowledge in future.

5.What the corona virus has taught you about life?

For me, the corona virus has taught me about the meaning o life and its purposes; it reminds me of what I am. Covid 19 taught me that life is essential or it is important, we must be grateful for what we have and learn how to be contented and also corona virus has taught me what is truly valuable in life and what’s facade. It’s given me an opportunity to slow down in this fast changing world to appreciate what truly matters: friends, family and the connections I’ve made over course of my life. Because of this pandemic, there are many changes that I have to do with my self like I am renewing with my passions, my likes and dislikes, my interests and, most importantly, my desire to live, rather than merely survive. And with that things, I’m rediscovering myself.

So we will proceed now to the second content of this blog which named as “ CREATE A TECH REVIEW”

Our teacher in Empowerment Technology say that choose your own favorite technology and make a review for it. And now, this are my answer and I hope that you like it. Please you may read it until the end of this blog. Thank you.❤

But before I will answer it, let me first elaborate what technology is, “TECHNOLOGY” means the use of scientific knowledge for practical purpose or application, whether in industry or in our everyday lives. So the technology that I choose was Gadgets specifically “CELLPHONE”.

Here are the questions that I made for this Tech Review about the technology that I choose.

1. What is cellphone?

A cellphone is any portable telephone which uses network technology to make and receive calls and messages. It is also about the technology used to transmit calls and messages, rather than what the handset itself can or cannot do. As long as a phone can transmit signal to a cellular network, it is a CELLPHONE. This is also a wireless telephone that permits telecommunication within a defined area that may include hundreds of square miles, using radio waves in the 800-900 megahertz (MHz) band.

2.What are the characteristics that cellphone have?

Here are the characteristics of a cellphone:

- Has a Wi-Fi or cellular access to the internet

- A battery that powers the device for several hours

- A physical or onscreen keyboard for entering information

- Size and weight that allows it to be carried in one hand and manipulated with the other hand

- Touch-screen interface in almost all cases

- A virtual assistant, like Siri, Cortana or Google Assistant

- It has the ability to download data from the internet, including apps and books that we want to download and to use it

- Wireless operation

3. What is the importance of cellphone?

For me, the importance of cellphone was the perfect way to stay connected with othr people most especially a family member whose away from you. It also provides a user with a sense of security. Example, in an event of emergency, having a cellphone can allow you to help to seek for a help and it could even save lives of others. This is also capable of internet access, sending and receiving photos, videos and files, and some cellphone are equipped with GPS technology. This allows users in locating some places around the world and allowing the cellphone to be found and the user location in the event of loss or emergency.

4. What are the negative effects of cellphone among teenagers?

Here are the negative effects of cellphone among teenagers:

- Cause headaches

- Decreased attention

- Shortness of temper

- Sleep disorder

- Depression

- Lack of human contact

- Psychological problems

5. Why do we use cellphone?

Cellphones are used in a variety of purpose, such as keeping in touch with family members, for conducting business, and in order to have access to a telephone in the event of emergency. We also used this to socialize to other people in different places through the use of social media, we also use cellphones to share information to others, read news, stories and others and it is used as one of our source of information. To meet other people and etc.

The last but not least blog that I present for everyone. Th last content of my blog is that the “MOVIE REVIEW”. Our teacher again in Empowerment Technology say that choose 3 of our favorite movie that had a profound impact on my own or our life. After every movie, I should answer the given o guide questions given by our teacher. I hope that you enjoy reading of this.

So the first movie that I choose was FIVE FEET APART

Summary:

Five Feet Apart is a movie about Stella Grant (Haley Lu Richardson) who is a cystic fibrosis patient who actively uses social media to cope with her illness. She tries to live a normal life like others even if she had this kind if illness. At the hospital, she meet Willian “Will” Newman, who is there for a medical trial, in an attempt to get rid of the bacteria infection (B. cepacia) he has in his lungs. Those patients that have a CF are strictly kept six feet apart to reduce the risk of cross-infection, as a contracting bacterial infections from other CF patients can be dangerous – even life- threatening to them. Stella is determined to follow the rules not like Will who likes to break the rules and take dangerous risks sometimes. She notice that Will isn’t strictly following the treatment regimen and eventually gets him to agree to do so. As time goes by, Will and Stella began to fall for each other and secretly go on their first date, staying only five feet apart instead of six feet apart. Stella explaining she’s “taking that foot – for us”, they eventually end up to the hospital pool where they strip to reveal scars from their past surgeries they have. The next day is Will’s birthday and Stella throws him a surprise dinner party with the help of her best friend Poe and their fellow CF patients. The next day, Poe dies which leaves her devastated and because of this she pushes Will away. Later Stella realize how Poe did not get to live his life so she decided to live her life and see the lights with Will. As they walk on solid ice, Stella almost die but Will gave her a mouth-to-mouth and save her. At the hospital, the lung transplant for Stella was successful, and Will learns that Stella did not contract his infection. When Stella wakes up after her surgery, she sees Will through the glass of her room. He has set up a display of lights outside her room, saying that his only regret was that she did not get to see the lights, so he brought them to her. He tells her that his drug trial isn’t working, and he doesn’t want her to have to deal with his eventual death. He gives her a notebook of his drawings of her and he confesses his love for her. Will makes her close her eyes, because he says he won’t be able to leave if she is looking at him so Stella close her eyes and Will walks away. Years have passed, Stella can be seen in a video on her channel, saying she misses Will’s touch now that she has lost it forever.

1. What life lesson can be learned from the movie?

The moral lesson that I have learned from this movie FIVE FEET APART was: first, Even healthy young people can die; second, illness can devastate families emotionally and financially; third, it is scary to love someone and it can be even scarier to let someone love you, especially when you are embarrassed by your scars; fourth; always find a way to feel in control in something; and lastly, live life to the fullest, because you never know what might happen tomorrow; sixth, love can really conquer all.

2. What part of the story told by the movie was the most powerful? Why?

When Stella and Will fall for each other despite of the risk they may encounter in their life and that can give death to the both of them. It so hard to fall for someone who can’t be yours until the end because of the reason that he/she must let you go because of a reasonable reasons.

3. Who was your favorite character in the movie? Why?

My favorite character on the movie was Will, because of he was willing to give up his love for Stella even if it will break her heart because he doesn’t want Stella to deal with his eventual death because the medication is not working to him.

4. Did anything that happened in the movie remind you of something that has occurred in your own life or that you have seen occur to others?

I haven’t seen any of the situation on the movie that was happened on my life but maybe it happened to other but I don’t who they are. But watching this movie makes me very emotional and I even think or put myself on Stella’s situation. Just thinking of it, it breaks my heart into pieces and that is true.

The second movie that I choose was TOMB RAIDER

SUMMARY:

Adventurer Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) defeats a robot in an Egyptian tomb, revealed to be a training exercise arena in her family manor, where she lives with her technical assistant Bryce (Noah Taylor) and butler Hilary (Chris Barrie). In Venice, as the first Lphase of a planetary alignment begins, the Illuminati search for a key to rejoin halves of a mysterious artifact, “the Triangle’” which must be completed by the final phase, a solar eclipse. Manfred Powell (Iain Glen) assures the cabal that the artifact is almost ready, but has no real idea of its location. Lara’s father Lord Richard Croft (Jon Voight) long missing and presumed dead, appears to her in a dream. Lara awakens to a mysterious ticking, and finds a strange clock hidden inside the manor. On her way to consult a friend of her father’s, Wilson (Leslie Philips), Lara crosses paths with Alex West (Daniel Craig), an American associate and fellow adventurer. Lara shows Wilson the clock, and he puts her in touch with Powell. Lara shows Powell photographs of the clock, which he claims not to recognize. That night, armed commandos invade the house and steal the clock, bringing it to Powell. The next morning, a prearranged letter from Lara’s father arrives, explaining that the clock is the key to retrieving the halves of the Triangle of Light, an ancient object with the power to control time. After misuse of its power destroyed an entire city, the Triangle was separated: one half was hidden in a Cambodian tomb, the other in the ruined city, now modern-day Siberia. Her father tasks her to find and destroy both pieces before the Illuminati can exploit the Triangle’s power. In Cambodia, Lara finds Powell, who has hired West, and his commandos already at the temple. West solves part of the temple’s puzzle, and Powell prepares to insert the clock at the moment of alignment. Lara, realizing they are mistaken, she finds the correct keyhole; with only one second left, Lara persuades Powell to throw her the clock. She unlocks the first piece of the Triangle, and the statue of the temple come to life and attack the intruders. West, Powell, and his remaining men flee with the clock, leaving Lara to defeat an enormous six-armed guardian statue. She escapes with the piece; recovering at a Buddhist Monastery, she arranges a meeting with Powell. In Venice, Powell proposes a partnership to find the other half of the Triangle, and informs Lara that her father was a member of the Illuminati, and offers to use the Triangle’s power to resurrect him; though reluctant, she agrees to join forces. Lara and Bryce travel with Powell, West, and the Leader of the Illuminati (Richard Johnson) to Siberia. Entering the tomb, they discover a giant orrey, which activates as the alignment nears completion. Lara retrieves the second half of the Triangle, and Powell kills the Illuminati’s leader to restore the Triangle himself, but the halves will not fuse. Realizing Lara knows the solution, Powell kills West to persuade her to complete the Triangle to restore West’s and her father’s lives. Lara complies, but seized the Triangle herself. In a “crossing” of time, Lara faces the memory of her father, who urges her to destroy the Triangle for good rather than save his life. Returning to the tomb, Lara manipulates time to save West and stab Powell instead, and destroys the Triangle. The tomb begins to collapse, and all flee but the wounded Powell, who reveals to Lara that he murdered her father. After a hand-to-hand fight, Lara kills Powell, retrieving her father’s pocket watch and escape the tomb. Back on her manor, Lara visits her father’s memorial and finds that Bryce has reprogrammed the robot, and Hilary presents her with her pistols, which she takes with a smile.

1.What life lesson can be learned from the movie?

The life lesson that can be learned from the movie was: first, Don’t be afraid to fail. Failures makes us stronger, learn from our failures and also it is a part of our life. Second, women are strong. Never ever under estimate what women can do cause sometimes they are more stronger than men. And lastly, believe in yourself. If you think you can’t make just believe in yourself that you will can do it.

2.What part of the story told by the movie was the most powerful? Why?

For me, the part of the story that was the most powerful for me was when Lara choose to destroy the Triangle rather that to retrieve his father’s life. It was hard to choose when one of the family member was involved, especially your father. It can make you confuse to think what to do or what to choose.

3. Who was your favorite character in the movie? Why?

My favorite character to the movie was Lara. She was so brave to face all things that she encounter in life l even her fears. She never ever let negativity surrounds her. She let her fear make her brave enough to face them.

4.. Did anything that happened in the movie remind you of something that has occurred in your own life or that you have seen occur to others?

When Lara decide what to do. That’s the thing that happened in my life. Deciding whether what to choose between two things, What to do, and others.

Lastly, the movie that I choose was MIDNIGHT SUN

SUMMARY:

A girl named Katie Price (Bella Throne) has a rare genetic condition called Xeroderma Pigmentosum or commonly called as XP, in where she is allergic to sunlight. Katie’s condition prevents her from being out in the sunlight. At the age of 17-years-old, Katie was been sheltered since childhood and was confined to their house during day because of this rare disease that she have that makes even the smallest amount of sunlight are deadly or can kill her. She has her father and her friend named Jack and Morgan to keep her company. When she graduated from home schooling, she asked her dad to allow her to go out. Katie comes out of the house every night, when the ray of the sun is no longer present. One night, she was noticed and asked out by her longtime crush, Charlie, whom she had been watching from her window from time to time. She was playing a guitar at the train station that time. Charlie heard her voice that’s why he walked towards Katie. When Charlie tried to talk to her, Katie suddenly leave and forgets her notebook. Charlie saw the notebook that Katie forgot so he keep it. He returns the next day, hoping that Katie was there. When he arrived at the train station he saw Katie singing again, so he walks towards Katie and talk to her. He explains to her how he got his injury that prevented him from getting a scholarship to the University of California, Berkeley. They fell in love with each other as she secretly hide her health condition to Charlie. One night, she forgot about the danger and she was a little bit exposed to sunlight and eventually got her sick. She at first couldn’t accept the truth and didn’t want to see Charlie again. But at the end, she learn the importance of the time she could spent with the people she loved. She enjoyed her remaining days of her life with Charlie, her dad Jack and her best friend Morgan.

1. What life lesson can be learned from the movie?

For me, the life lesson that can be learned from the movie MIDNIGHT SUN is that it was be brave enough to faces every struggles, pains and most specially fears in life. But those struggles in life makes us stronger and we exceed those struggles through prayer with the help of God.

2. What part of the story told by the movie was the most powerful? Why?

For me, the part of the movie that is the most powerful was when Katie and Charlie slept outside and Katie woke up when the sun was going to rise, so she hurriedly run and told Charlie to get her home fast but still she was exposed to sunlight. This is the most powerful part of the movie MINIGHT SUN for me because it made me realize a lot of things like how special our life is, I have a lots of complaints in life not realizing how blessed I am among other people in the world, I have a life and freedom which I never a blessing from above, it also teaches me to use my time wisely, and lastly and most specially is that I realized that our parents can be overprotective with us but chose to allow us to be happy and enjoy the life outside the house.

3. Who was your favorite character in the movie? Why?

My favorite character on the movie was Katie Price, because she became brave enough to face the one she feared of the most.

4. Did anything that happened in the movie remind you of something that has occurred in your own life or that you have seen occur to others?

When the time that Katie was dying it reminds me when I was a child (I am 12 years old that time), when my aunty on my mother side is dying because of the illness she have.

So, that’s all for today.. Thank you very much for reading this kind of my blog😊❣ God bless us all😇❤

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trylonandperisphere · 4 years

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ASK POLLY APR. 1, 2020

‘I Don’t Think I Can Handle 18 Months of Isolation’

By Heather Havrilesky

Hi Polly.

So the world’s falling apart. I’m seeing quotes from experts that predict this will go on for 18 months or more. I don’t think I can stand the stress and isolation all that time. I have mental-health challenges, so I think I might crack. And I’m not sure our infrastructure can endure it either. I have a medical condition that’s stable and doesn’t put me in danger of COVID-19. However, I worry the strain on the health-care system will take away my treatment, leading to a slow death. And then there are the usual worries about things like food. Will the supply chains hold up six months or a year from now? How do you see all this happening and not start looking for an exit? I’m willing to admit that I’m weak or entitled. People around the world deal with this all the time. I don’t think I have it in me. How do I find some strength and hope?

Feeling Weak

Dear Feeling Weak,

On any day of your life, a million terrible things could happen. Every morning, you have to force all of the awful possibilities out of your mind. You do this because there is no alternative.

I’ve always been a very fearful person. I’ve always been sensitive to the fragility of the human body and the myriad ways lives can be ripped apart. My dad died when I was 25 years old, and it made me even more fearful. Then I had a baby.

Imagining all of the bad things that could happen to the baby almost sent me over the edge. I felt like someone had removed my liver and now I had to hand my liver over to other people, and ask them not to drop it or neglect it.

One day I came home, and my husband was holding my liver in one hand while stirring a boiling pot with his other hand, all the while talking to my stepson in an animated, cheerful fashion.

I freaked out. “You are going to kill me,” I said. “Calm down,” he said. “Stop being so overdramatic.”

My heart started racing even more (Pro tip: The words “calm down” are never calming!), but I washed my hands and then took the baby away from my husband. And then through gritted teeth, I said something like this: “You are going to listen to me very closely. Don’t talk. Just listen. I am in a very, very particular, unfamiliar, fragile place. I have never felt this way before. I’m going to have to describe it to you. You are going to have to listen. You do not have to understand or believe that I am remotely sane. You can continue to believe that I am irrational. But if you do not listen closely and respect and honor my needs around this fragile feeling, this marriage will end. Period. This is not negotiable.”

I wasn’t someone who threatened to end my marriage, ever, just to be clear about that. I needed to communicate clearly that we were on perilous terrain.

We retreated to the bedroom and talked for a long time. I told him what I needed in order to raise a baby with him. He told me the reasons he thought I was nuts. I told him that I was fine with him thinking I was nuts. He could continue to do that. Of course my views were not utterly rational. Rational was not the point. Calming down was not the point. He needed to understand how high the stakes were for me. Even if there was a .0001 chance that my baby would drop into the boiling water, the stakes were too high for me to endure those odds. He didn’t have to understand my feelings, he just had to operate as if he had the same feelings, for my sake.

It took a lot of persuasive talk, and tears, to get my husband on my side. It was exhausting. But by the end of our talk, my husband got it. He agreed to behave in ways that were guided by high stakes and my irrational feelings and to never say the words “Calm down” to a woman whose liver you’re holding. And if ALL OF THAT sounds nuts to you, that’s okay. These were the conditions I knew I required in order to raise a baby with someone who was more careless than I was in every way. These were the things I needed in order to share a house with this man and trust him to raise a family with me.

After that, I felt better. And my husband never told me to calm down when I described the toddlers who get left in the car or run over by a clueless grandparent backing out of the driveway. He took on the low-odds possibilities until he was worrying about them himself. I turned him into a slightly neurotic, hyperaware parent. I formed him into a seismograph, in my image. Call it twisted, I don’t give a fuck. It worked. We were aligned. We fought less. We kept our kids relatively safe from harm. Maybe we became obnoxious. Maybe we were paranoid. I still don’t care. I didn’t feel alienated and alone in my marriage, because I dared to get very, very specific about my needs.

And once I knew I had someone on my side, I started to calm the fuck down. I made a resolution to keep all of the looming threats in mind without INTERNALIZING and VISUALIZING and LOSING SLEEP OVER the millions of ways a baby could die or become injured. Any time I went from safeguarding my kids to picturing something awful happening to them, I learned to stop myself.

Doing your best to avoid disaster is practical. Repeatedly imagining disaster, on the other hand, is wildly impractical. Once I realized how jittery and anxious I was feeling, I steadfastly refused to indulge my imagination when it came to my baby. I resolved not to become a pile of nerves quivering on the floor. I wanted to breathe and feel happiness and survive parenting without being transformed into a shadow of my former self. I wanted my kids to be aware of danger but not paralyzed by fear at all times.

Mistakes have been made, that goes without saying. But the decision to never fixate on terrifying outcomes when it came to my kids was very important. I could still fixate on bad outcomes FOR ME. But that was (and is) a world apart from doing it about my kids. Eventually I didn’t have to try anymore. The second I pictured something terrible, it was just: NO. CAN’T.

Everyone is different. Everyone experiences different conditions as threatening or scary or paralyzingly awful. We all have to respect these differences while relentlessly standing up for our own needs and asking for exactly what we want from the people who are closest to us. That means becoming a tiny bit shameless, I should add. It took a shameless amount of assertiveness and belief in my own particular sensitivities as a seismograph to ask my husband to behave as if he, too, were a seismograph. I had to get very specific. I also had to let go of the need to be right and seem rational. I had to own my role as the Chicken Little of the family.

“Pretend the sky is falling with me,” I told my husband, and he did. It was an act of love and solidarity. I was so grateful for it. It kept us glued together at a vulnerable time, when we could’ve fallen apart for good. I didn’t have to hate myself for being a chickenshit or a seismograph. I could relax because someone was on my side.

That story probably feels pretty divorced from your circumstances, but it’s not. For you to feel comfortable safeguarding yourself while also refusing to fixate on the millions of horrible outcomes that could befall you specifically and all of us generally, you need to stand up for the particulars of your mental health. You need to look closely at your specific emotional challenges as a human being, and you need to say: This is how it feels for me. I feel like I want to find an exit. I feel like I can’t survive this. I feel like I am not strong enough.

Here’s the suicide hotline for anyone who’s been feeling that way: 1-800-273-8255. Commit to reaching out to someone when you’re feeling bad. Everyone is struggling right now. We’re all in the same boat at some level. It’s important to understand that moments of extreme darkness will come and go, and things could get a million times worse and still be survivable. Put your faith in human connection: It makes all the difference.

If you have close friends or a partner or a family member who can listen to you describe your very specific Chicken Little–flavored needs and desires and align themselves with you, and show solidarity for your (sometimes irrational!) experiences of what this moment means, then call that person or those people. Open up to them, and explain your needs, and get them to understand.

But let’s be clear: Finding people who will join you where you are is very, very hard. It’s hard for all of us, always. If it feels impossible? Guess what? You’re not alone. Try your best. And if/when that fails, I want you to write everything down for you, until you clearly comprehend who you are and where you are and how you’re feeling right now.

This is not about descending into darkness in any permanent way, mind you. This is simply about painting a picture that someone else might understand, a persuasive portrait of how you’re experiencing this moment. This is you saying to yourself: YOU ARE HOLDING MY LIVER OVER A BOILING POT OF WATER. This is you crying and telling yourself: I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS. DO YOU FUCKING GET THAT?

This is you making your needs crystal clear. This is you standing up for who you are, without shame. Does that really matter, all alone in your apartment as the world crumbles around you? YES, IT DOES.

This is you saying: I deserve to have my needs met. Think about all of the times you were treated like your needs were irrational, like you needed to calm down and shut the fuck up, like you needed to stop being so in the way, so inconvenient, so absurd, so laughable, such a wreck. I’ll bet you can think of a lot of examples.

Use this moment to get your own back. Take this opportunity to say to yourself: I don’t fucking care if I’m fragile and irrational. I’m going to honor my needs without shame.

Don’t skip this step, even if it seems beside the point. Honor your needs, without shame. That’s number one.

Number two is: Protect yourself. Take very good care of yourself. Feed yourself well, exercise, get plenty of rest. Stay aware of the threats so you can do your best to avoid those threats. Put energy into making yourself feel as healthy and resilient as possible.

Number three is: Resolve not to fixate on the millions of terrifying possibilities you cannot control. You can make this choice now because your peculiar needs matter. Remember? You’re honoring your needs without shame now. One of your needs is this: Avoiding the terror here. You said it to me for a reason: You aren’t strong enough to hold these terrors inside your head for 18 months. So don’t do it.

Are you strong enough to survive for 18 months in isolation? Yes, you are. You’re strong enough as long as you’re honoring even your most irrational needs without shame, being very safe and careful in areas that are within your control, and letting go of all of the circumstances beyond your control, as in banishing them from your fucking head permanently.

Cormac McCarthy’s The Road (Read it if bleakness makes you feel stronger. If not? DO NOT READ.) is about a man who’s struggling to survive in a post-apocalyptic world. As the man and his son travel south toward the ocean, looking for food and shelter, the man tries hard to avoid big questions and unknowns that might threaten his ability to survive. Because he has a boy to take care of, he becomes extremely practical. He protects his boy and he keeps moving forward, no matter what. There’s a sense of calm beauty underneath the horror of every word McCarthy writes. Showing up for whatever comes next is beautiful. You don’t have to be a hero. You just keep moving.

I probably wouldn’t have sat my husband down and insisted that my irrational view was going to need to be honored, back when we first had a baby together, if I weren’t convinced that our ability to raise a baby and stay together depended on it. It took something bigger than myself to force me to finally stand up for my very specific needs and persuade another, very skeptical human being to hear me out and get my back.

Today, you’ve been faced with a challenge that’s much bigger than any challenge you’ve faced before. The stakes are high. This enormous calamity dwarfs you and exists outside your thoughts and feelings completely. You have to treat yourself with extreme care under these conditions. This is an opportunity for you to finally stand up for what you need at every level, in a very concentrated and intense way that is fully justifiable and concrete. This is a chance for you to design a map that you can use to navigate this disaster and every other disaster to follow this one, guided by your very irrational, specific desires. This is your time to learn to blot out the parts of the world that are just too gigantic and out of your control for you to metabolize, and focus on what you can actually control and have influence over instead. You have to avoid big questions and keep moving forward. You’re about to achieve a sense of mastery over your life and your understanding of yourself, while letting go of what you can’t control in a permanent way. These high stakes are a blessing disguised as a curse. Take this blessing.

What sustains you? What can you create, every day, to bring you life, to build up your strength? What beauty is lurking underneath these terrors? As Ranier Maria Rilke wrote, “No feeling is final.”

The path before you is simple. You wake up in the morning and you put Chopin: Nocturnes in your headphones and you look for joy. You embrace every tiny glint of beauty and every scrap of hope hiding in this small, enclosed life. You surrender to the reality of this “borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it,” as Cormac McCarthy put it. You eat this divine silence, this dark longing, this lonely sweetness, this solitary dread. You sit in your quiet garden and welcome the weather, good or bad. No feeling is final. You are strong enough.

Polly

#ask polly #heather havrilesky #advice #mental health #self care #personal essays #corona virus #coronavirus #covid-19 #isolation #sars-cov-2 #pandemic #this is deep y'all

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sandracarroll · 4 years

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A L L I S O N C L O V E R S A N D R A C A R R O L L . twenty-two teamaker. chicago, il. psychedelics/coke dealer. tramp. dropped angel.

cw: maternal death, sexual coercion, frequent drug mentions.

“SANDY CARROLL” --- formerly known as allison clover --- grew up in the underbelly of chicago, raised by a fatally over-protective single mother, who tried to shield her daughter from the grit and grime that covered every square inch of their community.

as a child, allison was kept busy at all costs, distracted by a wallpapering of catholicism from the influence of her peers and the sordid history of her family. she was brought up in the church; she socialized primarily within the church’s community, she played on the church’s softball team, she participated in the church’s charity events and she helped organize the church’s fundraisers.

the clovers ran an online business selling homemade incense, candles, and teabags from herbs and spices grown right in their apartment. it was just enough to help keep the lights on when her mother’s job at the plant nursery couldn’t cut it. this is to say: a young, naive allison wouldn’t have much in realm of inheritance when she would need it.

shortly after ally’s 18th birthday, her mother was killed in an assault.

gang initiation. body mutilated. her teenage daughter had to identify the corpse.

the tragedy shattered allison’s eden. she woke up to the nihilistic nature of the world, in which good people can die with no rhyme or reason. it showed her the true nature of the modern christian and their shortcomings in practicing what they preach. in the wake of ms. clover, the church community offered allison their prayers and platitudes, but no one in their impoverished community had a dime to spare or room on their couches when allison needed a place to stay. every bystander assumed someone else would step up to take care of her.

emotionally distraught and disappointed in her paper thin support system, ally stopped sticking around after mass and isolated herself from the community, eventually opting not to attend altogether.

the scraps of wealth she had left after paying for a catholic funeral would not help her afford the rent. her underwhelming resume would not be enough to get her a job to support herself. with too much grief to handle working two minimum-wage gigs--- with her mother deeply estranged from the rest of their family--- with her long history of being isolated from her neighbors--- she had nowhere to turn when she was evicted.

her naivete and lack of options paved allison’s way to falling in with a bad crowd. her first night at a local shelter, she was recognized outside by a shaggy boy from her graduating class. immediately trusting, she opened up to him about her situation and vulnerability, and he was all too quick to offer her a place to stay until she got back on her feet. she never stopped to question his character or intentions.

she was fast to fall in with the boy and his band of delinquents, which she would later understand to be a gang deeply involved in several webs of drug trafficking in the city. her sheltered upbringing left her unprepared to notice red flags, and her gullibility made it easy for the kids to take advantage of her on the grounds of offering her bedrooms to stay in and spotting her meals in her hard time. when offerings of basic human necessities turned into talking her into smoking with them and bringing her along to parties, it wasn’t hard for them to pressure her into using her inexperienced body to show appreciation for their hospitality.

catholic guilt went head-to-head with disillusioned catholic angst, both raging inside her head with feelings of physical violation she didn’t have the wisdom to identify. in the midst of the chaos, she developed a taste for the escapism. she preferred to live in the haze of inebriation and work out her conflicts of spirituality with mushrooms rather than face her situation or her grief. but she didn’t realize she was running up a tab with her friends.

from a peer’s perspective, she picked up on their culture fast. learned the slang and the technique. gave off the impression of someone who knew what she was getting into when they started sending her to drop off and pick up at college campuses, and when she was smoking herself into debts she’d never be able to repay.

after ignoring the scarier and grittier aspects of the new friends she’d made for a year, and then upsetting them when she started avoiding sex— depriving her friends of their payment— things came to a head after a traumatic trip on DMT, a vision of her disappointed mother sent her into a serious crisis of faith and a fear that her sins were becoming unforgivable, which prompted her choice to branch out to people other than the dealers she was wasting her youth with.

when the ghouls started getting insulted by her pulling away, one of her lovers let her know that she still owed them for all that they had provided for her, and when she stood her ground and put a lock on what they wanted, he told her she owed them at least $4,000 for their troubles before they would let her scurry away.

in a cold sweat for finding that kind of money in the near future and feeling a serious threat to her safety at the mercy of a gang, she opted instead to commit one last sin in the form of stealing a suitcase and backpack of drugs from the trap house and taking a bus as far out of illinois as she could go.

she started going by the new name SANDRA CARROLL, and planned to keep moving and sell the stash of psychedelics to keep her afloat until she could start using her legal name again and get a law-abiding job. she tried to go to hipster bars and college parties, looking for less dangerous people to pick her up as a sugar baby and give her a couch to sleep on until she was far enough and emotionally stable enough to take care of herself.

the panic attacks and paranoia made it hard for her to nail a trustworthy hookup, but she found a way to survive by couch surfing at a state university in kentucky. the low threat level and high libido of clients on a college campus makes it easier for sandra to deal, especially to inexperienced freshmen who were too insecure about playing it cool to ask questions when she hiked up her selling prices. it was a perfect environment hustle free food and beds to sleep in, and she could have stayed afloat there for long enough to let her trail run cold, find a new social circle, and eventually even heal.

that is, until she spotted one of the gang members looking for her at a party.

sandy wound up packing up her things that night to flee to a remote place she’d heard about, in the countryside of north carolina, serene and inexpensive, far away from signals or surveillance, in a quaint little camp town called wrenbury.

(( TL;DR: sheltered church girl is ill-prepared and too naive to survive on her own when her mother dies unexpectedly; she falls in with a gang and loses control of her expenses and her body; steals an enormous stash of cocaine and psychedelic drugs and flees chicago, going by a false name and dealing to stay just barely afloat. spent the last year dorm-surfing on a college campus before coming to wrenbury. lives in fear of her ex and his gang who are still looking for her. haunted by the specter of her mother, imagining she is devastated to see how far her harlot daughter has fallen from grace. ))

> PERSONALITY / FAST FACTS.

pleasant. gentle. hazy. airy. strange. erratic. passive. flighty. compassionate, but unreliable.

the usual refrain you’ll hear is, “SHE’S NOT ‘ALL THERE.’” sandra mostly comes across as dreamy or dazed out. you might assume that extreme levels of stress and substance abuse have fried her brain, and she might agree with you, but don’t be so sure. there is a part of her that prefers to buy into that story and assure herself that she’s too disconnected with reality to process it. and she’s willing to stay as high as a hot air balloon to make it convincing.

she zones in and out during conversation, absent-mindedly wanders into places she shouldn’t be while lost in thought, and tends to lose track of time or forget important things, like curfews or notices of restricted areas. she has a mind that can muse a mile a minute, and she tries to keep it busy with innocuous thought tangents about what type of flower a person would be, rather than focusing to what the person tells her about the latest murder, for fear of ruining her vibes and falling into a panicked spiral.

she grows flowers, spices, and herbal plants all over her cabin, taking advantage of the rustic life to relive her childhood of making homemade teas and incense. she has yet to ask if marnie and regina mind all of the aromas and dirt she brings into their common area.

she views sex as something that’s casually transactional. might get confused or even suspicious if you do her a favor without accepting a lay in return.

wrenbury and its glitching borders have fanned the flame of her lack of faith in her own sanity, and made her unsure of what to believe with regards to the killers. she tries to take the word of the townspeople over her fellow campers.

the kind of person who you might see sway-dancing like a twin peaks character, stopping in her tracks to stare at a caterpillar on a tree trunk, sticking her hand out of a moving car’s window and surfing it in the breeze, or praying only when she thinks no one’s looking---and if you look close, you might catch a tear streaming down her face while she does so.

she still has a trace of purity to her that most people don’t pick up on until they outright find out about her religious upbringing. she comes off as an eccentric wallflower sitting in a circle with the stoners at a party; not unfriendly, but not the person to start the conversation; doesn’t instigate the orgy but she certainly keeps up. innocent but not inexperienced. very good at maintaining lucidity just long enough to escape any witnesses when she’s having a bad trip.

some sandy carroll pinterest boards created by myself and my friends: (i), (ii), (iii), (iv).

> WANTED CONNECTIONS.

friends, especially people with easygoing personalities. someone who can make her feel comfortable enough to have more sober conversations. people who buy from her (she’s currently carrying cocaine, ecstasy, and acid). enemies (could be on the grounds of sandy being twee, inconsiderate, or a liability). a disinterested person for her to have a crush on even though they wouldn’t notice if she was hacked up by one of the killers. a kinder person with a crush on her that she’ll never pick up on.

hookups~ sandy is pansexual and doesn’t realize that she’s been traumatized by years of sexual coercion, so she consents to a lot of bad ideas, and is still conditioned into the mindset that it’s something you use to pay gratitude to people for being nice to you.

someone she met from the college she was squatting at, especially if they’re a hippie who brought up wrenbury when they were having a stoned dorm room conversation about wanting to move off the grid.

someone, either from or hired by the gang, who was sent to track her down and collect her debt and is now trapped in wrenbury with her 👀 :GRIM_REAPER_EMOJI:

#finalgirlintro

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