#I haven’t properly heard these songs since then

[kyra-cooneyx]

dive — k.mccabe x reader

summary: after a few dates with katie, it seems like your relationship isn’t blossoming as you’d like so you write a song about your feelings towards her

your phone buzzed for what felt like the thousandth time that hour and you balled up the paper with lyrics scrawled on it, throwing it in the general direction of the device.

you knew it wasn’t katie calling so you made no move to answer it. you gripped the pencil tighter in your hand, sighing quietly as you went over the date in your mind. it had been over a week, you thought it had gone well, but you’d hardly heard from her since. so something must’ve gone wrong.

with a sigh, you grabbed a different piece of paper and began rewriting the lyrics that were floating around your head.

oh, maybe i came on too strong

maybe i waited too long

maybe i played my cards wrong

oh, just a little bit wrong

baby i apologize for it

one thing you prided yourself on was being honest in your music, often writing songs about your life to get your feelings out in a healthy way. they didn’t always get recorded, sometimes they were written and kept hidden.

and at first you weren’t sure what was going to happen with your currently unnamed song but the more you wrote, the more you fell in love with it.

so as soon as you found the time, you were in the studio, writing and recording until you were incredibly happy with what you’d produced.

you were listening to it properly for the first time when the door behind you opened. you weren’t worried about who it could be as only certain people had access to the room.

“hey you,” and one of them just so happened to be leah williamson. “watcha working on?”

“a song.”

“no way,” leah deadpanned and you turned to her with a blank stare. “grace said you’ve been cooped up in here for days. i’m assuming this is why.”

grace carter, a long time friend who introduced you to leah after you disclosed that you were a gooner who then introduced you to katie.

“uh huh,” you nodded. “you like?”

“i do,” leah nodded this time, sitting in the seat next to you. “am i right in assuming that is about my irish friend?”

you hummed quietly. “has she… said anything about me?”

“are you kidding?” leah scoffed. “all she does is talk about you, it’s actually kind of annoying.”

“oh.” is all you could say, not really sure what to do with the information you’d received.

leah’s eyebrows furrowed at how confused you looked, leaning forward in her chair. “i feel like i’m missing something.”

“well she hasn’t called since our date so hearing you say that she talks about me just doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

“no, it doesn’t, does it?” she sighed. “come to the game next week, you can talk to her then.”

“i’m not allowed to say no, am i?”

“nope. i will drag you to the emirates by your hair if i have to.”

-

katie’s eyes widened as she spotted you laughing with leah and beth. it wasn’t a shock that you were there, she just wasn’t expecting to see you sporting a jersey with her across your shoulder blades.

she made her way over, reaching for your hand and tugging you away from the pair and away from prying eyes. you frowned a little.

“are you okay?” she asked quietly.

“why haven’t you called me?”

katie blinked. “i didn’t think you’d want me to.”

“why on earth would i not want you to?” you stared at her with wide eyes. “did something happen on our date that i’m not aware of? i have no idea what’s happening right now.”

katie’s face softened a little, sighing as she reached to smooth out the crease between your furrowed brows. “i take it you haven’t seen well anything that’s been going on on twitter.”

“i don’t have twitter and i rarely go on social media, why—what’s happening?”

“someone took a picture of us on our date and it was clear that we were on a date. i know that you’re not out yet and when it eventually blew up and you didn’t call me, i thought that it might’ve freaked you out so i wanted to give you space because i know how hard that conversation can be.”

“oh,” you sucked in a breath. “i don’t really know what to say.”

“it’s okay you don’t have to say anything—“

“no i do so uh thank you, i guess. it sent my anxiety through the roof not hearing from you but the reasoning is sound and kind of sweet. and just so you know i really don’t care what any of those people say or think. and besides it’s none of their business.”

“i should’ve known that you’d say something like that after seeing you in this,” katie tugged at the jersey, laughing softly at the flush on your face. “good choice by the way.”

“thanks,” you murmured bashfully. “i know that leah told you i’d be here but did she say anything else?”

katie shook her head. “no, why?”

“well when leah invited me we were in the studio and listening to a song that i’d recorded and i thought she’d tell you. clearly she did not but… do you want to hear it?”

“i’d love to.”

around fifteen minutes later, you were situated in the studio, shuffling nervously in your chair, the song coming to an end. you looked at katie hopefully.

there was a thoughtful look on her face. “was that about me?”

“maybe,” you shrugged. “did you like it? leah did so if you don’t, it’s about her.”

you giggled at the scowl on katie’s face, watching as if slowly turned into a smirk.

“so i’m like your muse?” she asked and you rolled your eyes playfully.

“suppose so,” you hummed. “it’s called dive by the way.”

“well i love it,” she proclaimed. “and not just because it’s about me. it’s a really good song.”

“thank you.”

silence fell over you both and you could see katie giving everything a look over, a look of genuine curiosity etched onto her face. she turned to you then and you were half expecting her to ask a question about the studio or something else about the song.

“i think the girls are at a pub down the road, fancy going?” she asked instead and you tilted your head as you pretended to think.

“oh i don’t know i’ll have to check my diary, i’m a pretty busy woman,” you sighed, sitting forward and lazily flipping through the music notes. “but i suppose i can spare some time for a pretty girl and her friends.”

when you turned back around, you didn’t expect to see katie’s face turn pink and as much as you wanted to call her out on it, you decided not to.

“come on then,” you said, standing up and holding your hand out to her. “i haven’t got all day mccabe, get a move on.”

katie rolled her eyes and stood, taking your hand and lacing your fingers with hers. you ignored the butterflies in your stomach and let her drag you around, leading you to whatever pub her teammates had chosen.

“you’re buying first.” you told katie as soon as you walked into the establishment.

“why me?”

“because i wrote a song about you, the least you can do is buy me a drink.”

“fair enough.”

she gently shoved you into the direction of the girls and you practically jumped onto leah’s lap, laughing as she grunted before forcing you into the seat next to her.

katie soon joined, squeezing in next to you. the conversation flowed easily between everyone and just as beth announced that she wanted to take a picture, you felt katie’s arm slip around your waist.

you turned to look at her with a smile as she pulled you closer, both of you failing to notice the phone pointing in your direction.

a tap on your knee broke your gaze and you turned back around for the picture, shooting up to have a look at it before asking beth to send it to you.

your eyebrows furrowed when two pictures came through but that fluttery feeling was back as you smiled down at the second one she sent. you made sure katie liked it before posting them on instagram because you meant what you said to katie earlier that day.

you didn’t care what anyone else thought about your relationship or your sexuality. you had katie and that’s all that mattered.

[angelofsmalldeaath]

I don’t know if your taking requests but I would love to read something about taking a bath with Andrew 🥰 anyway, I love you’re writing!!

this is genuinely the freakiest coincidence because i wrote half of this last night, wayyy before getting this request!! anon we share the same braincell

also thank you sm for reading!! i appreciate you very much 🤎🤎

cw: nudity (non-sexual), sappy and sickly sweet but at this point if you're coming here expecting anything else...idk what to tell you

“ah, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” he shuts the bathroom door behind him, shuts his eyes too and sighs for a long moment. 

i flick some of my bath bubbles at him and squawk in mock outrage. “i’m naked in here, you know?”

still leaning against the door, he half-opens his eyes and smirks, “that supposed to deter me, darling?”

i take him in properly then—hair slipping out of his bun, messy, unruly, like he’s ran his hands through it quite a lot today. the sleeves of his sweaters are pushed up to his elbows. ink stains his fingers, calluses litter the palm of his hands. 

“there’s no way the two of us are fitting in this together,” i laugh, “we’d spill water everywhere!”

“i’ll clean it,” he protests without missing a beat. “let me in? please?”

softness creeps into his features, the kind that melts my heart until it’s nothing but a beating mess at his feet. “get in,” i smile, “i’ve got a eucalyptus bubble bath going.”

sluggishly he begins to get out of his clothes—socks at first, tossed in one corner of the bathroom, then the sweater joins the pile. i stare at him, a bit mesmerised, at his stomach and chest and arms. all that skin on display, skin that i have touched and caressed and kissed a million times. and yet i feel breathless. 

a moment later, he kneels by the tub, still in his jeans, and flicks a thumb at the corner of my lips. “got a bit of drool there, baby.”

i flush, and he steals a kiss, smug and satisfied. 

“don’t be evil,” i pout, “i’ll uninvite you!”

“mm-hmm, and are you capable of that?”

i roll my eyes, trying to hide the smile creeping onto my face once again. it takes him a few more seconds to pull down his jeans, his boxers, and then i slide forward and make room for him. 

the regret is instant. “oh my god,” i scrunch my eyes shut as water floods the bathroom, drenching the edges of his discarded clothes. all he does is laugh—impish and full of mischief. “god you’re lucky i love you!”

“i am,” he kisses the nape of my neck once he settles behind me, “i really am.”

his skin is warm when i settle against him. he smells like he always does—his cologne, day old now, the fabric softener he’s used since long before i knew him, and something that is entirely and inexplicably him. i breathe in deep until it fills my lungs, until the smell of eucalyptus almost disappears from the room. 

“how was your day?” 

“honestly?” he sighs, and starts a vague soapy doodle on my thigh. “it was a lot. not quite so physically, just…emotionally. i couldn’t wait to get back home to you.”

“yeah? that bad?”

“just hard…not bad. never bad.”

i nod, and trace a vein on his arm, leaving a soapy trail behind. silence settles over us for a few moments, occasionally broken by his small sighs. it’s nice, this—being able to feel his heartbeat against my body. absently, he hums a tune, something i haven’t heard before. 

“that’s new,” i lean my head against his chest, relish the vibrations of his humming travelling through my body. “is it?”

“it is. nothing concrete, just something i’ve been toying around with.”

“‘s nice, sweet.”

“you think so?” he asks and i nod. after another moment of silence, he chuckles lightly, then tightens his hold on me. “maybe i’ll use it for a song about you. that’s a nice idea, isn’t it?”

“i didn’t know there were songs about me,” i giggle, and kiss the back of his hand, once and then once again for good measure. 

“there are always songs about you,” he nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck, kissing the spot where my pulse is quite obvious. “in my head or my notebooks or on any scraps of paper i can get my hands on. always you.”

like he so often does, he leaves me speechless—stuck between blushing and welling up—until he flicks bubbles on me and the moment dissolves away. 

“we should just get takeaway,” he declares innocently, like he hasn’t left me with a lump in my throat. “i just want to be lazy with you.”

i clear my throat, shake my head. “takeaway it is. i can order while you clean the bathroom, right?” i bite my lip and keep the laugh in. 

he groans, huffs on my shoulder. “god, you’re lucky i love you!”

“i am,” i kiss his knuckles softly, knowing i mean every single word of it. “i really am.”

[gentaro-kinniecom]

“Oh you haven’t kissed anyone yet? Neither have I, maybe we could..?”

Characters: Adonis Otogari, Tatsumi Kazehaya, Yuzuru Fushimi, Tsumugi Aoba, Kanata Shinkai, Leo Tsukinaga, Mika Kagehira, Hinata Aoi, Mao Isara and Niki Shina

Cw: fluff! Silly kisses and flustered (?) characters, Keito being mom coded in Mao’s part HELPP, idk what else to say except that..I really enjoyed writing this

A/n: Hi guys! I went missing for like 2 months (school has been absolutely brutal) but anyways, I hope y’all enjoy this silly post, also the reader is the one who tells them that, not the character towards the reader (i hope it made sense 😓)

Adonis Otogari

“Huh?” what the first thing Adonis replied to when he heard your question. He seriously thought he’d heard wrong and blushed a bit as he ran the words over and over again in his head, he really wanted to kiss you. Especially since he’s had a crush on you for a while, so Adonis gently brings you closer and kisses you. He apologizes later on even, if you didn’t mind the kiss and he’ll try to properly court you afterwards.

-“Can we go on a date? I insist, you’re a wonderful person to be around with”

Tatsumi Kazehaya

Tatsumi gets embarrassed at the suggestion, he didn’t expect such a bold statement coming from you. He’ll decline the offer, saying that it would be ‘unpleasant’ to kiss if you’re not in a relationship…Tatsumi changes his mind when you suggest trying things out as a couple. Going on dates and listening to his rants about..anything really. He doesn’t want to admit how badly he wants to kiss you, so he does, with no hesitation.

-“Now that we’re together..I suppose you don’t mind me showing you my affection, hm?”

Yuzuru Fushimi

Nearly drops his tray of tea when you said that. You noticed the change in his attitude, a bit flustered and shy as he offered you some tea. Tori was out to visit Eichi and Wataru was practicing for another show, meaning it was the given moment to spend time with Yuzuru. As much as he wanted to leave, he couldn’t help but want to kiss you. Yuzuru was now grabbing your chin softly and leaning in, parting away as he smiled.

-“It seems a date is in order? I would be delighted to show you some of the best sights in the city”

Tsumugi Aoba

Similar to Yuzuru except, he dropped the books he was holding and quickly got down to get them back. Yet, you were helping him, and he got more nervous and shy. However, Tsumugi grabbed your hand, whisking you away to a more secluded area to kiss you. He confessed that he liked you since the day you’ve met and it all felt like a dream when you asked him that.

-“I would’ve never guessed that a day like today..we would kiss in the library, but, I’m definitely not complaining..”

Kanata Shinkai

His face remained puzzled as he asked you to repeat the question again. Kanata smiled as he heard it once more, pulling you towards the waves of the ocean as he wrapped his arms around you. It was usual for him to be so affectionate with you..but as his lips neared yours, you felt your breath hitch. Your clothes were wet by the time you both left the fountain; Kanata was now holding your hand softly while kissing you

-“Hehe~ I like ‘spending’ time with you..do you want to go on a ‘date’ with me~?”

Leo Tsukinaga

He straight up just laughs and begins writing on the notebook you gifted him a while back for his birthday. Soon holding it up for you as you read the lyrics of a song Leo had thought of the moment you told him that. Suddenly, you felt him kiss your hand before moving to kiss you softly. He moved his hands to your face, still kissing you while smiling and parting away for air, wishing that moment lasted forever.

-“I was hoping you’d say that sometime, you give me so much inspiration~! I’ll make sure to dedicate you even more songs from now on!”

Mika Kagehira

Mika was sewing quietly when he heard your suggestion. Hands shaky as he stopped what he was crafting. He was lucky Shu had gone to deliver some important outfits, meaning he wasn’t returning until a long time. Mika then looked your way, admiring your features as he then got up. Grabbing your face with both hands as he leaned in, kissing you dearly.

-“I..sorry, I really like you Y/n, and..well..I want to spend time with you..anywhere”

Hinata Aoi

It all started like a joke to him, he couldn’t believe you were serious about it afterwards, his brother found out and listened in to what he thought about it. Hinata had a crush on you since ever, everything about you was so perfect in his eyes. He felt at comfort for the way you knew who he was and not confuse him with his brother often. After thinking about it he accepted the offer, taking you to the roof and kissing you softly. Smiling as he admired your features

- “I’m glad I met you, you’re so wonderful I…I get speechless whenever I’m around you”

Mao Isara

Keito coughed a bit, making his presence noticeable in the student council’s room as Mao blushed, he heard it even if you whispered it? Keito just sighed and left the room, warning Isara not to do anything..out of the ordinary while he was gone. But, he just allowed that to happen.. Mao saw as you sat down beside him, grabbing his hand as he smiled; he nodded while leaning forward, you kissed him quickly before Mao then pulled you back for another one.

-“I know we shouldn’t kiss here but..what’s one small kiss going to change? I have the perfect place for our lunch, if you want to join me afterwards”

Niki Shiina

His brain kinda just..stopped (?) working the moment you spoke, the food that he was making nearly burned as he quickly turned the stove off since it was already done. Niki couldn’t help but wonder if he heard right. He noticed how you looked around the kitchen, smiling and helping him prep the food for his unit-mates. After being alone, he thought about it for sometime, grabbing your hand softly and bringing you back to the kitchen to kiss you softly against the counter

-“You’re so cute when you help me around, we should bake together sometime..”

[suugarbabe]

made for loving you | r.l. x reader

an: It's my birthday! & I had this cute little bitty one shot idea that I wanted to do about reader x remus after I heard the song I Was Made for Loving You by Kiss so I had to write it immediately. This is my first time writing marauders era so please be gentle

Warnings: mentions of drinking

word count: ~1.3k

It had been a few years since you had seen everyone, at least all together like you were going to tonight. The years after Hogwarts were very generous to you, and you couldn’t say you were mad about it. You gave another twirl in front of Lily and Marlene, the two coming over to help you pick out your outfit. You had settled on a black plaid skirt paired with a black form fitting turtleneck. The November air in London never being forgiving. 

“You look stunning, truly, y/n/n,” Lily was hyping you up but you couldn’t help the nerves that were bubbling inside. 

“You don’t think it’s too much for a pub?” Doubt written on your face. 

Marlene rolled her eyes, “It’s Sirius’s birthday. You could never wear an outfit that was ‘too much’ when celebrating that man. He’s probably going to go all out himself.” 

You laughed with her and Lilly as you pulled on some black sheer tights and slipped on your boots, “Well you would know best, wouldn’t you Mar?” You gave her a wink. 

Marlene couldn’t contain her smile, “I would know best, thank you very much. You would know more if you came around more often! I feel like we haven’t properly seen you in forever.” 

You pouted slightly, “I know, I’m so sorry. I’ve just been…adjusting to life after Hogwarts. Who’s all gonna be there tonight anyway?” You did you best to sound as nonchalant as possible, forgetting that the two girls in front of you had been your best friends for seven straight years. 

Lily wore a cheeky grin as she answered, “Oh just the old gang, me, Mar, Sirius obviously, James, Frank, Alice and…Remus.” Lily put a little extra emphasis on the last name and your body reacts before you could control it, cheeks flushing a bright red. 

You hum in response, “Oh, cool, perfect. That’ll be exciting to see everyone.” Marlene and Lily exchanged a look, causing you to shift on your feet, “What?”

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Oh nothing, just you trying to act like you’re not still infatuated with Moony boy.” Lily was giggling next to her as you pouted, crossing your arms. 

“Oh come on, y/n/n,” Lily whined, grabbing your hands, “You two have been pining after each other since literally forever, and now you look like a bloody goddess and he’s going to be there, and you know he’ll be too shy to say anything Merlin forbid do anything.” 

You shook your head, opening the door to your flat as the others followed you down the street towards the pub, “I mean yes I had a crush on him but he did not have a crush on me.” 

Marlene and Lilly both groaned. “We’re gonna get a few drinks in you and then you’re going to make a move and see how right we are,” Marlene hooked her arm through your elbow. 

“Yes and I’ll make sure James gets a couple into Remus so maybe he won’t be quite as shy,” Lily smiled, hooking her arm on your other side. 

You made a mental note to have a conversation with both of your friends about what the phrase “few” meant because multiple shots and mixed drinks were far more than a few. The boys were late, which was no surprise, but you were not wanting to be completely drunk before they got here. But presently you didn’t have it in you to be too upset as one of your favorite songs came on and you were dragging your two friends to the small dance floor in the pub. 

You could feel the guitar and drums in your veins as your hips swayed to the beat, you were having a lot more fun than you anticipated for tonight. You danced and sang the lyrics out loud with Marlene and Lily before one of them grabbed your shoulders and forced you to turn around. 

Your eyes locked onto a head of soft brown hair like you were tied to him. As they got their drinks the three boys started walking towards your group. James and Sirius went straight into dancing as Remus, of course, walked smoothly over. 

Maybe it was the amount of alcohol you had, or maybe it was Marlene and Lily’s voice in the back of your head but you had a sudden surge of confidence, pointing your finger right at Remus as you sang the next chorus to the song. 

“I was made for lovin’ you, baby. You were made for lovin’ me” 

Remus wore a shy smile, pointing to himself and cocking his head slightly. You nodded your head, wrapping your free hand that wasn’t holding your drink around his neck and singing the next line.

“And I can’t get enough of you baby. Can you get enough of me?” 

Remus’s free hand found your hip, starting to sway with you for the remainder of the song. You assumed he had had some drinks at home with his friends before coming here. Partly because of the confidence he seemed to be having with you being so forward, and partly due to his seemingly relaxed state in his eyes. 

Over his shoulder you spotted James and Lily, the latter of which sent you a thumbs up before making a shooing motion with her hand. You raised an eyebrow at her and she tilted her head towards the back of the pub. You turned slightly, seeing the back hallway she was motioning to. 

“You okay?” Remus had leaned down to whisper in your ear. Goosebumps raised on your neck and you prayed he couldn’t tell. You looked up at him through your lashes, his honey eyes filled with adoration. 

You grabbed hold of his hand, lacing his fingers with yours and dragging him to the back of the pub. The hallway was only slightly quieter but it was dimmer and just the two of you. You pulled him with you to this space with such force that you nearly slammed your back into the wall with a grip on his jumper. 

Remus stables himself with a hand on the wall behind you. He’s towering over you, looking at you like no one’s ever looked at you before. You barely see his lips tilt into a smile, about to part and say something to you. However before he can get a word out you have another surge of confidence and pull him towards you, pressing your lips together. 

He takes no time to respond, your mouths melding together. His lips on yours was a feeling you never wanted to go without again, you had essentially ruined yourself from being able to kiss anyone else in the future. His free hand found your waist, digging his fingers into the soft flesh as he took a step closer to you, deepening the kiss and pressing his body against yours. 

Your fingers are laced in the hair at the base of his neck and when he pushed close to you, you can’t stop yourself from tugging lightly on the strands in your hand. Remus nearly whimpers into your mouth at the action and you swore your knees were going to give out right there. When he finally pulls away you’re both breathless. His forehead is rested against yours and your chests are heaving. 

“Wow,” Remus was the first one to break the silence you two were holding, “I am so incredibly stupid.” Your eyes shot up to meet his, fearful that he regrets what just happened. He can see the apprehension in your face and only smiles at you, cupping your cheek and running his thumb along your lips, “I am so incredibly stupid to have been too shy to do anything like that sooner.” 

You let out a breath you weren’t even aware you were holding before pulling Remus face back to yours, connecting your lips once more.  So enthralled with each other you didn’t notice your group of friends coming down the hall until Sirius opened his big mouth, “Uhm, hello? It’s my birthday, why the hell is no one snogging me like that?” Yours and Remus' response was a simple middle finger thrown his way, not even pulling your faces apart in the process.

[knightyoomyoui]

The 1% Of Chances | TWICE Jeongyeon x Male Reader Fanfic: CHAPTER 10

NOTE: We're down to two chapters before this book officially closes! We are now crossing into the storm where no rainbows can be seen, which means I'm giving an early warning already that this is going to be full on angst... until the end(?) A quick additional note from yours truly, this features some medical information and I want to say that I'm not entirely sure if these are accurate, but I swear that I did some research as much as I can have then I tried to intepret then all from my own understanding. Basically, I just wanted to include this for the sake of the story, as I believe it would be important when the twists arrives (yes there will be) on the last remaining chapters. Enjoy!

YN and Jeongyeon are making their way through a certain room after a call informed them that they would be met by someone urgently. They followed as they couldn’t even reject it anyway, and it puts them today in the JYPE building, where they just unloaded from the elevator to reach the 4th floor.

Jeongyeon is holding your hand, and when you two stopped in front of the door, she glanced at you and softly smiled, to which you reacted the same, adding it with an assuring nod.

Jeongyeon knocked on the door, and they heard the person inside shout, “Come in.” Twisting the doorknob, the door opened, and they got exposed to JYP, who was just writing a song while playing a guitar on his couch.

“Hi, pd-nim”

“Good morning, have you two already eaten breakfast?”, JYP smiled and looked at them while he’s plucking some strings on his guitar.

“We did.”

“Good. Well, I haven’t but that can wait for later.” He placed the guitar on the empty space next to him. “I wanna talk about something first and promise this won’t last that long.”

“We supposed so too, that’s the reason why you called us in.” Jeongyeon said.

“Yeah, I just want to check on you two.” JYP replied, then his eye turned next at you. “Especially you, YN. I’ve heard that you’ve been having some another episodes of head ache again these days.”

“Y-yes, I am sir.”

“And what is it, did it got more frequent than before?”

“I’ve noticed sir.”

“Did you have some history of you know… head injury or something that triggers your pain? Because if it’s not I still believe there’s something wrong right now on your head.” JYP seriously mentioned. He caught their perturbed reactions. “Now I don’t want to scare you both, but… things happen for a reason innit?”

“I agree.”

“Have you seen a doctor already?”

“We’re just planning so far, sir.”

“Good, you don’t need to. I’ve partnered with some doctors that are part of our medical team regarding on our idols and staffs health, I’ll assign one to check on you YN and the payment is all mine.”

“I-it’s free?” YN surprisingly asked.

“Yeah. You don’t need to worry about it.”

Jeongyeon looks at him and smiles. “Well you’re in oppa’s company. In here, we treat everybody here well, and we care for each other like a one big family. That’s JYP Nation for you.”

“Oh you’re fluttering me too much Jeongyeon.” JYP sheepishly laughed. “But you heard her right, that’s what we do here.” 

“T-thank you, sir. I appreciate the help so much.” You bowed in respect for your boss.

JYP shook his head and smiled. “No problem. But, I think you know what this means in return don’t you, YN?”

You didn’t respond and instead waited to continue his words. JYP took that as a cue.

“Since you’re going for a medical treatment, whatever the result will be based whether I will put you in hiatus or not. If it does, it means that you will stop managing Jeongyeon for a while and she will be handed for a while to one of your other managers. Is that clear?”

Jeongyeon massaged your shoulder and peeks at you with a comforting smile. “Don’t worry, oppa. You’re much more important for me. Take a rest for a while, okay?”

“Are you sure, Jeong?”

Jeongyeon hummed. “I wouldn’t be going to focus on working properly if I know something’s bad is happening to you. This kind of calms me a bit because you’re now getting a help, and all you have to do is to take it for now because you need it. Just please, you’ll be alright after okay?”

“I’ll do my best… for you.” 

You kissed Jeongyeon on the lips and smiled at her. JYP was happy to witness the two’s blooming tough love for each other in front of his own eyes, making him more of a proud father-figure to Jeongyeon. He slowly cleared his throat to gain their attention without any means of disrespect.

“Sorry to interrupt you both, but we made ourselves clear now right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Okay. Tomorrow expect that you’ll be having a check up with one of our professional doctors in the company. I’ll just call Nayeon to pass the signal to you.”

“Noted sir.”

“And Jeongyeon…”

“Yes, oppa?” She responded.

“I’ll allow you to supervise for YN for a week since your promotions just ended for Between 1&2, am I right?“

“It did, yes.”

“Good. Then you’re okay to do that.” Jeongyeon was satisfied. “Alright, both of you are dismissed. Enjoy the day.”

The two stood from their seats and bowed in gratitude for the kind leader of this industry. They exited the room and made their way back to the lobby as you shared your compliments to JYP for being a kind boss and again received the overflowing care and support of your loving girlfriend.

All set to go and courageously prepared, you brought Jeongyeon again with you and drove through the hospital where the doctor is stationed. After parking your car outside, Jeongyeon took the initiative to ask at the assistance booth for the name of the doctor.

Fortunately, the nurse gave the directions to both of you, and she was given thanks.

Following the paths, both landed themselves correctly at the exact destination. A door that says “The doctor is in” and the name of the doctor are plastered to be seen by his attendees. Jeongyeon knocked twice and opened it, and there they were seen by the doctor, who was just arranging his medicines on the kit.

Following the paths, both landed yourselves correctly at the exact destination. A door that says “The doctor is in” and the name of the doctor are plastered to be seen by his attendees. Jeongyeon knocked twice and opened it, and there they were seen by the doctor who is just arranging his medicines on the kit.

“How may I help you two? Was there an appointment that you two made with me?” The doctor asked politely.

“Uhm hello and yes, doc. Mr. Park Jinyoung was asked for us to meet you. He said that you are free to be visited.” Jeongyeon did the greetings.

“Oh… Jinyoung did. You must be his idol and your boyfriend I presume.”

“Yes, doc.”

“Who is the patient here?”

“Me, sir.” You raised your hand.”

“Okay, give me a second. Please, make yourselves comfortable on the seats there.” The doctor offered. You and Jeongyeon took it and just watched the doctor prepare some papers, equipments he will use for consultation. He also viewed at his phone to evaluate something.

“Ahh, so you are YN LN and Yoo Jeongyeon?”

“Yes we are, doc.”

“Okay, let’s start.” The doctor sat on his swivel chair. “Jinyoung notified me that you Mr. LN has been dealing with some head aches.”

“Yes, doc.”

“Rate the pain for me.”

“Absolutely 10 doc.”

“10? As in severe?”

“Yes.”

“Describe.”

“It’s like, my jaws are numbing and I couldn’t move my face. My brain feels like it’s being tugged and then squeezed roughly.” 

“And it how much does it occur?”

“Before it was seldom but from the past few days, it has been attacking often doc. Like, it doesn’t follow any time anymore to irritate.”

“I could confirm that, doc.” Jeongyeon continued. “He’s also my manager and we are together most of the time. I’ve been a witness from how he deals with his pain and when does it happen. It’s… indeed unpredictable.”

“And I suppose you couldn’t do anything about it to help it stop?”

“Y-yes, doc.” Jeongyeon nervously said. “Hearing him groan and cry in pain while his face twitches and holding his head tightly, I couldn’t stand it. As much as I want to try remove it I don’t even know what to do too. I even tried making him drink painkiller but it was only for a moment.”

“That’s okay, Ms. Yoo. Painkillers are designed to ease the pain but to use it only if its necessary, and you did nothing wrong.” The doctor calms down the worrying woman. “Okay, now back to you Mr. LN. Did you have any history regarding about hurting your head before? Injuries, perhaps?”

“N-none, sir.”

“What about stress? Are your daily routine balanced? Do you rest at a given time?”

“Well, I mean I’m a manager of an idol. If she’s awake and active, I must be too so yeah it’s stressful but… it doesn’t affect my head that much. My body is rather exhausted but I don’t let it get in my head because I have to be focused on managing my idol.” 

“Point taken.” The doctor nodded. “Okay, for now I’ll assume that you have a severe case of migraine going on, and we don’t underestimate its temporary nature because it still could get worse, and we’re talking about the head here. A critical part of our body. That’s where our brain is being kept, one of the reasons why our body acts the way it does. That’s why I would like to line you up for continous check-up for us to further determine the problem on your head. Maybe there’s actually something worse than we imagine.”

“Do what you must do, doctor. As long as it would help me relieved from this head ache.”

“Good to know you’re willing for it.” The doctor nodded. “I won’t do the scanning on your head today but let’s arrange the schedule on Tuesday. Sounds good?”

“Yes doc.”

“Alright, well please sign these papers up to confirm that you two have made your meeting with me today and for further examination that we will conduct regarding on your illness.”

The doctor handed out the sheets of paper, and you filled up all the information and signed it along with Jeongyeon. You passed it back to the doctor and thanked him again for his service. 

A few days later, you returned just like the doctor tasked you, and you were placed in a CT scan that uses X-rays to picture if there’s any anomaly present in your skull, brain, and even sinuses that were not able to be located, which can assist in helping to know the right treatment could be given to you.

After an hour of evaluating the result of the CT scan, the doctor reentered the office holding the scanned image of your head, and you noticed that he faced you and Jeongyeon with a slight uneasiness in his face.

“Doc, what’s the result?”

He looked again at the picture and positioned into thinking. “This is strange…”

“Why, what is it?”

“You said that you have a pain that highly severe and we came up with a possibility that its migraine… yet your brain is telling in the image here that you don’t have any signs of functional changes in the structure.”

“Then what does that mean doc?” Jeongyeon curiously asked.

“It means that you’re perfectly normal. Your head status is fine. As if, you’re not experiencing this severe head ache you’ve been having.”

The doctor leaned closer to present the image clearer to you two. “Look at these, we have certain parts in the brain that is easily affected when a person has a severe case of migraine, the reason is because it disrupts the function of the blood veseels around our brain.

Some of the these parts include the posterior pons, where our trigominovascular system gets hypersensitive because our pons has an abnormality and could cause weakened connections through some sort of our brain which contributes to the pain we feel in having a migraine. Yours doesn’t have any sign of that.

Most of our blood vessels in our brain can be found too in some perivascular spaces present around here, for people with migraine it enlarges but yours has a normal gap.

Last I could give to you would be our hypothalamus here, it goes overactive due to the effects of the pain attacks our migraine releases and since this part is heavily responsible from how we sleep our any status quo that we have, it showcases a condition of that. Yours is functioning well.

In conclusion, I’m currently puzzled right now on how you are getting this kind of headache when your brain is… healthy.”

You and Jeongyeon remained silent for a moment to sink in every aspect of information that was shared by the doctor to further claim that there’s no problem in your head despite hurting like a bitch. 

Jeongyeon saw your perplexed state and she doesn’t know how to feel, but she was convinced that you were indeed having it when it happened right in front of her. “D-doc, are you trying to tell us that m-my boyfriend might be… lying?”

“I… haven’t said anything about him lying but… the CT scans don’t lie.” The doctor shrugged and shook his head.

“M-maybe we could check it again, maybe it wasn’t visible-”

“Miss Yoo, too much exposure to x-ray can cause more problems to your boyfriend here. We may not have that much limit on how a patient can undergo CT scans, but it’s not right to take both exams in a very short period of time. We only do x-rays mostly in just one take.”

“O-or maybe you have mistaken on the result, i-it’s not actually his…” Jeongyeon paused when she felt his arm being held by you. All of you know that it was ridiculous because the name is indicated that it belongs to you plus the result must not get mixed up since it was only you who is assigned on the exam.

“Stop, Jeongyeon.” You muttered to her. Jeongyeon gulped and slowly nodded at you as she holds your hand.

“S-sorry… sorry if I have doubted you doc.”

“It’s fine. It’s a normal reaction for patients here who gets nervous or scared.” The doctor said. “But I promise, I’ve been a longtime partner with Mr. Park and I never once failed my tests. I’ve also treated many employees of his through my career. Yours is not different.”

“Then what’s the next step, doc? What now, if it wasn’t migraine then what- ah…”

“YN?”

Jeongyeon and the doctor saw you immediately lower your head and clench your face. Your grip went tighter around Jeongyeon’s grasp in sync with how your head throbs. “Shit… agh…”

“Mr. LN can you tell us how you’re feeling?”

“AAAAGGGHHHH!!!” You let go of Jeongyeon to hold both of your head furiously.

“Doc, he’s having another episode again!” Jeongyeon yelled at him.

“Wait here, I’m calling a nurse to assist him.” The doctor sprung up and went out of the room to call for some assistance. You were now curled like a ball on the floor and keep screaming in pain. Jeongyeon’s heart broke as she saw you cry for the first time, realizing that the pain must hurt way worse now than previously.

Jeongyeon didn’t know what to do, as she just tried to calm you down by placing you in her embrace while she started to get teary-eyed at your poor state. The nurses arrived on time, and the doctor gave the command to put you in one of the vacant rooms.

Minutes later, you woke up to find Jeongyeon talking to somebody on the phone while walking back and forth around the room. As she dropped the phone. She saw you awake and quickly went by your side. “YN, are you okay? ”

“I feel dizzy.” You said. It was the truth, it looks like the ceiling is spinning and Jeongyeon’s face is distorted in your vision, but her voice is enough to calm you and confirm that she’s still here, staying by your side.

“What happened?”

“You had another migraine attack, but it looks bad. You were crying while you wince in pain, so the doctor decided to bring you here. You’re currently confined now, YN.” Jeongyeon shared. “He said he will do more tests on you to figure out what’s really causing your head to hurt because… it wasn’t looking any good.”

“I-I’m sorry if you have to see me like that again…” You said weakly. You heard the crack in her voice and felt something drop on your hand before she gives it some squeezes. 

“Don’t cry, please.”

“How could I not? I’m scared… I’m scared for you, YN.” Jeongyeon said as she lifts your hand and cuddled it on her face. “I don’t know what’s exactly happening to you, and my mind is just running thoughts in my head that doesn’t help me at all in our situation, but I still couldn’t avoid to think about it. What if these gets worse and then… oh God, y-you’re suddenly gone?”

“Don’t think like that, Jeong.” You still couldn’t see her properly, so you began to caress her face and imagine her beauty that was never a time you have enough of seeing on her. “We both know we don’t want to happen, but… if the time won’t let us have it… a part of me believes that our fate still leads for us to be together again. 

I’ll find you, and I know you’ll meet me too. Promise that.”

“With all my heart, YN.” Jeongyeon showed a bitter sweet smile and kissed your hand. She leans closer and kissed you also on the lips. “Don’t force yourself, you can rest for now. I’ve called the girls and our managers and some of them are coming to see you.”

“Okay.” Jeongyeon patted your chest and you took one last glimpse of her blurry figure before you closed your eyes and went to sleep in recovery.

Few hours later, after your body has had enough energy to send you back awake, your head still throbs but only for a little. Your vision has gone clearer but you waited for it to become stable as you blinked rapidly to endure the bright light coming from the ceiling.

As you did, you roamed your sight around the room with your newly woke up expression.

Then you observed, you were not alone in the room as someone is sitting on the spare chair in front of you.

And Jeongyeon is nowhere to be found anymore.

[sumire-no-nikki]

Hardy Days

January is a month that takes some time to break into like brand new shoes. It always feels longer than it is. It has been a while since I’ve been online properly though for the best reasons. My days have been full. My desk succumbs to entropy just as soon as I’ve tidied it up, my planner is abundant with marks, overflowing with tasks in constant flux. But that just means my hours are well consumed. My days feel very lived in and I’m endlessly thankful for that.

It hasn’t been all work though! I managed to read 4 books so far this month, two of which I would like to mention here. The first book I read is Before We Say Goodbye, which is the fourth book in the Before the Coffee Gets Cold Series by Toshikazu Kawaguchi. I think the fourth one is my favorite so far, if not a close second to the first book. This one made me cry so hard it felt like a cardio exercise haha. The fifth book hasn’t been translated yet and I’m too impatient so I went ahead and started it in Japanese. I was just telling a pal how much comfier it is in the original language. I think I will reread the previous books in Japanese as well once I can get ahold of it from Kinokuniya. I’m so excited!

Another book I finished recently is Voices of the Dead by Ambrose Parry. It’s a historical fiction medical/crime novel set in Victorian Edinburgh. It also has hints of angsty romance between the two main characters, and if you know me at all, you know angst is my fuel, my reason for being lmao. But on top of the already very attractive premise, I must say the pervasive question of “am I what I come from or am I what I can become” throughout all the books is such a robust subject that I can never get enough of. I really enjoyed it! Ah, but now I’ve got to wait for the next book (if there is one). I’m pretty hopeful because the ending was set up for a continuation for sure, but you never know. Also, can I just complain about something extremely petty? Why is the fourth book’s spine different from the rest of the series? It’s from the same publisher, the same font is used. But why is the symbol not the same size as the other volumes’ symbols? WHY. Why would they make it not line up properly like that? I’m losing my mind!!

Now, I’m not one for redecorating just because it’s a new year, but I did change up my vinyl corner by switching out the old art with two posters in matching red—one from a Mitski concert way back in 2017, and one poster of Billie Marten’s 2023 album. Two very different eras of my life coming together. Quite poetic now that I think about it.

While on the subject of music, I’ve had Marika Hackman’s new album “Big Sigh” on repeat since it came out. Oh my god it’s so so good. I remember thinking when I first heard it, god, this is like having my guts pulled out of me. The lyrics are so raw I felt like my chest was going to cave in. Even the music conveys such angst and self-sabotage. The one song that struck me the most is the penultimate song called “Please Don’t Be So Kind.” That one really spoke to me. I love it so much I figured out the guitar chords by ear because I badly wanted to play it. (It’s just three chords in slightly different arrangements throughout the song: C/G-D/A-Em7/B. Half-step up tuning or more conveniently with capo on the 1st fret). I haven’t stopped thinking about the album and I don’t think I will ever stop doing so. I feel that my life is made richer by having listened to this body of work. Even though it’s rather depressing, I actually relish that about it. I think I’m at an age now where I can clearly see my emotion outside my body. It’s a place I can visit as I please. I can work through my feelings and then when I’ve done my best with it, I can leave it be. I can experience things as deeply as I want to while having the confidence that I won’t lose myself in it. It’s a very freeing sense of clarity.

Also, this is from a while back now but I got the newest volume of the coffee magazine I’m subscribed to and the coffee sampler they sent for the quarter is stellar. It tasted of peach and orange, it was insane. The sampler had enough for only two espresso double shots but it made such an impact I just have to note it down here. The roaster, A Matter of Concrete, is based in Rotterdam. I might have to pop in there to try more of their coffee one of these days. Oh, but this reminds me that my grinders are due for a cleaning. Right, I’ll have to do that sometime tomorrow. And I’m not looking forward to it because I’m always anxious I’ll fuck up the burrs or put the grinders back all wrong. Also, looking at this photo, I have to polish my espresso machine, don’t I? Oops.

What else have I been up to? I’ve recently reconnected with my best friend from my undergraduate days and it has been such a blessing. We didn’t have a fight or anything. We just drifted apart because I moved away for my MA and they went back home for a job offer. But they reached out to let me know they’ll be moving to Europe to start a second degree and a career change!! Which means we will be able to see each other again!! Oh, I’m looking forward to that so much I’m counting the days. I have such fond memories of them I can’t wait to bear hug the hell out of them haha.

I also finally decided to finish a writing project I have left alone to stew in its own unfinished mess for far too long lol. I forced myself to churn as much words as I could, and then the arduous task of negotiating what to keep, what to expand and what to cut came soon after. I’ve since finished it and I’m relieved to have concluded that story. I’m quite satisfied with the arc. It felt like a good study of how I write, what I want from a story and how I can achieve it. Writing is a process of self discovery and I’m always overwhelmed by that feeling when it’s happening in real time. Like you feel minute parts of yourself shifting into new positions, light shed in previously dark corners. It’s overwhelming and terrifying, yet tranquil and natural at the same time. I look forward to whatever I’ll find in the next writing project.

Anyway, I’m off to do a bit of translation work. It has been quite an eventful Friday for me over here, and my weekend is looking like it will be just as busy. How has your January been? I hope you’ve been taking good care of yourself. I leave you with a song by This Is The Kit called “Inside Outside.” It has a groovy bass line that I enjoy playing and straight up just vibing to. I recommend the album it's from if you’re in the market for something new to listen to.

That’s all for now. Until next time!

[twopoppies]

The performance outfit was kinda odd and contrasty to the street-style casual outfits the dancers had. Maybe it would have been better to either be shirtless with some jeans only, or in a suite to properly contrast the casualness of the dancers. Otherwise, it was nice but a little tense and nerve wracking

I didn’t really understand the dancers so much, but I’m sure someone way smarter than I am will have some theories. He seemed nervous… I haven’t heard his voice sound off like that since he did that first SNL performance of SOTT. I loved his outfit though. And he brought the power of his voice by the end of the song. I wonder what was up.

[sulky-valkyrie]

Hawke twins- cryptophasia / twin speak (a language only they understand). Perhaps a bittersweet memory of the survivor

Happy Friday, Tea! I actually restarted this 2 or 3 times until And Idea hit me like a truck, and I'm kinda playing around with what cryptophasia could mean in a world with magic, but I hope you enjoy it anyway <3 for @dadrunkwriting

Carver woke up from the worst dreams he’d had since the archdemon died, and with a terrible headache.  He sat up with a groan and pressed the heel of his hand against his temple.

“You look like you’ve been carousing with hurlocks all night,” Stroud said.

He snorted and grabbed his waterskin to splash a bit on his face.  “Give me some credit, at least I never kissed an ogre, drunk or sober.”  He rolled his shoulders to try to loosen the tension in his neck.  “You have any strange dreams last night?”

“Nothing outside of the ordinary.”  Stroud shugged.  “The song is louder, but that’s to be expected here.  You have been in the Deep Roads before, haven’t you?”

He started to snarl something back, but held his tongue.  The Commander had told him under no uncertain terms to play nice with the Orlesians, but Maker, it was hard some days.  “I was down here before and after the Thaw.  This dream wasn’t just the usual chittering, more like going through the Joining again.  It almost felt like -”  he bit his lip.  No, that would be impossible.  He’d hadn’t been pulled into Bethy’s dreams since he left Lothering over two years ago.

Stroud raised an eyebrow but didn’t press him.  “The Roads under the Vinmarks are particularly unsettling.  Hopefully you will be too tired to dream again tonight.”

Carver nodded and pushed himself to his feet.  “Couldn’t agree more.  Onwards then?”

He wasn’t too tired.  Or maybe he was so tired he couldn’t fight it.  Their father had taught them both about shielding their dreams from spirits the week after Bethany manifested, and while it had worked, it wasn’t the way he would have preferred.  Instead of closing her mind off to everyone, she’d hid in Carver’s dreams at night, or dragged him into hers.  They’d spent every night for nearly ten years fighting each other’s nightmares together.  Hers had always been more fearsome, with many tentacled creatures dragging her into a lake that was far too dark and viscous to be water, or suits of armor grabbing her by her hair and carrying her to impossibly tall towers with no doors.  His dreams had been about his teeth falling out, or getting chased by a bear through town without any trousers on. 

After Ostagar, though, he’d tried to do it properly.  Tried to shut her out so she never saw the memories of the battle that haunted his dreams.  As far as he knew, it had worked, or maybe she’d stopped trying.  Or maybe she was dead.

The dreams were even worse that night, full of red crystals and claustrophobia and talking rocks, all playing out like a shadow puppet play across torrents of blood and fire and darkspawn screams.  People were screaming Bethany’s name, and he heard Bethany screaming his.

“Carver!”  His eyes snapped open.  It was Stroud, shaking his shoulder.  “Pack of hurlocks near, we need to move.”

Normally, that would’ve sent him into a panicked flurry of activity, but this time, all he felt was relief.  It wasn’t Bethy, this is all my imagination, or maybe some new kind of Awakened.  He stuffed his gear into his pack as Stroud stamped out the fire, then they headed out, following the scent of death and the buzzing in the back of their heads.

Using torches or lanterns this close to darkspawn was never wise or safe, so their only light was the faint glow of their amulets.  The Commander gave them to all the recruits now; it was still a vial of darkspawn blood, of course, but now, they were enchanted to give off just enough light that a careful human could travel through the Deep Roads without tripping on everything.  It had been a hard-learned lesson from too many instances of running into walls or falling into holes, and Carver’s nose still throbbed with phantom pain when he thought about the number of times Morrigan had sneeringly reset it. 

The recruits were told it was 'just' a vial of darkspawn blood, but senior Wardens knew it was a little something more.  The loss of so many at Ostagar, then later at Vigil’s Keep, had made the Commander insistent on the development of contingency plans.

The discordant melody tugged at his heart as they crept onward, urging him to go faster, begging him to find them, find something, hurry, please, hurry.  It filled him with dread even as he obeyed, marching faster, then, when that wasn't enough, breaking into a jog.  Someone was down there, and they needed him.

"What are you doing?" Stroud hissed as he sped up a third time.

"Need to keep moving, need to find them," he muttered, before breaking into a reckless sprint.

Stroud tackled him from behind and rolled him over when he was still stunned. "The song has you," he said as he slapped him.  "Fight it!"

Carver caught his hand before a second blow connected.  "It's not the song!"  It was, but not in the same way.  "It's - can't you feel it?"

"You're bewitched, Hawke!"

Struggling would only waste time.  Time he didn't have.  He took a shuddering slow breath to calm himself down.  "I’m - shit.  You’re right,” he lied.  “We need to deal with whatever is causing it.  Some kind of emissary, or a demon."  It was neither; he was certain of that.  But Stroud would never believe him now.  Play along, or we'll never make it in time.

Stroud frowned, obviously wanting to argue, but knowing he couldn't.  The whole point of this trip had been to investigate the reports of strange activity under the Vinmarks, and an emissary changing the song definitely qualified.  "You will stay behind me," he ordered severely.  "And if you run again, I'll cut you down."

Hurry, please, hurry.  It wasn't a voice, so much as a feeling, a bright descant threading through the jangling darkspawn melody that thrummed in his mind.

Carver closed his eyes and nodded as much to Stroud as the plea.  I'm trying.

Stroud got up warily, and reached for his weapon as Carver stood.  When he didn't immediately bolt down the tunnel, he sighed in relief and let go of his sword hilt.  "Which way?"

They kept going.  Stroud didn't argue with Carver’s directions, and, in fact, seemed to anticipate them.  Whatever or whoever wanted Carver to come this way, it was very near the hurlocks they’d been hunting anyway.  The desperate pleading music faded away, but the darkspawn presence never wavered, only strengthened as they neared.

Carver didn't mention that it was gone.  Maybe I did imagine it.  Hopefully whatever - whoever - they found down there would be explanation enough.  Another Awakened, perhaps?  

When they heard the sound of fighting, it was Stroud who took off running first.  Bloody hypocrite.  Carver pulled out his sword and charged after him around the corner, only to almost skewer him as he clattered to a halt.  They were at an excavated section of the Deep Roads, one with real torches and magma troughs.  “Anders?” Stroud muttered incredulously.

What?  Can’t be - Karl said he died.    He peered over Stroud’s shoulder, blinking against the glare of torchlight.

A blond man kicked a screaming genlock off the ledge then spun his staff in a low circle, setting a glyph at his feet then dancing backwards as lightning surged up through it and arced into the two remaining.  “Be with you in a tic, little busy!”  

Maker preserve us, how?  That really was Anders Thekla; Carver would recognize his battle magic anywhere, even when it wasn’t being used on him directly.

As the last darkspawn disintegrated to ash, Anders turned around.  “Stroud.”  He frowned in recognition.  “Carver?”

What the void did I do?  Before he could ask, Anders ducked back into the side tunnel that must’ve been where he’d come from.

“Carver?!”  Someone shouted.  Someone who sounded like his damn brother.  

Stroud glanced back and arched an eyebrow.  “What did you do?”

He swallowed.  “Been a Warden for two years,” he mumbled.  

“That’s not an answer.”

“Yeah, it is.”  He put up his sword and walked out.  “Garrett?  What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Long story,” Anders sighed as he re-emerged, followed by a dwarf and Garrett.    

His brother stepped into the flickering light and, for once, he wasn’t smiling.  Even when he’d been in screaming matches with Mother, he’d smiled.  Even when they’d burned Father’s ashes, he’d smiled.  “Carver, I tried.”  He knelt on the ground and gently put the bundle down that he was carrying.  “I really fucking tried.  Should’ve been me.  Always should’ve been me.”  

The bundle was their sister.  Everything clicked into place.  He rushed over as he ripped his gauntlets off, then pulled her to his chest.  Her brow was sweaty, and the veins in her throat were black.  Blight sickness.  She coughed weakly as her eyes fluttered open.  “Carver?  Am I dead?”

“Not yet,” he whispered as he pulled her close.  “What are you doing down here?  What happened?” 

"Expedition," she wheezed, breath whistling like her chest was full of holes.  "Money to get back the estate."  She shuddered in his arms.  "One less mouth for her to feed, now, right?"

"No, no, no, this can't -" he stopped and glared at Garrett.  "Why did you bring her?"

Garrett's jaw clenched and he swallowed.  "I didn't fucking -"

"You did!  You were supposed to keep her safe!" Carver shouted.  "Now look at her. Look at what you did!"

Bethy’s finger pressed against his lips. "You sound like Mother.  I'm a grown woman, Carver.  This was my choice.  My screw up.  Not his."  She coughed again.  "Not yours either."

Maker, how did she always know what was the best and worst thing to say?  His fury vanished, leaving him hollow and aching.  "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Don't," she said.  "I - I didn't think it would work, after so long, but I called, and you're here.  I can at least say goodbye."  She offered a watery smile then fainted.He shook his head as he ripped the vial from his neck.  The Commander had told them all that this wasn't an option to be taken lightly, but dammit, this was Bethany.  "Stroud, get some of that blood, and the goblet.  We're doing the Joining."

[flyiingsly]

Remember me

Square : Music

Pairing : Hunter x gn!jedi!reader

Warnings : mention of alcohol, mention of Order 66 and memories from the Clone Wars, a bit of angst but mostly fluff i guess, half confession, these two idiots are in love but not ready to say it out loud

Wordcount : 5,1k

Summary : When Hunter unexpectedly heard you sing for the first time, he instantly fell in love with your voice, and even more with you.

A/N : Here we are, my fourth submission for the @clonexreaderbingo ! This fic is one of my favorites among those that I wrote for the CFB honestly, because I really love the songs that have inspired it, and because, I don't know, that prompt suited Hunter very well in my opinion, and I'm really happy with how it turned out :D

Disclaimer : I'm still struggling to understand English grammar properly, English is not my native language and even if I have proofread my writtings several times, there is probably still typos in it. I'm very self conscious about it and I apologize for it in advance, but I'm doing my best to do better and I'm actively working at improving my writting skills !

So if you spot a typo, feel free to point it to me so I can correct it, it will be much appreciated :)

Before you start to read, go check the two songs that are featured in this fic :

(This one is one of my favorites feel good songs EVER ! THAT VIBE IS AWESOME OMG !!!)

(And this one is a cover of "Remember Me" from Coco by the wonderful Annapantsu, this song is haunting and beautiful, and I particularly love her version, she is sooooo talented !! Go check her channel, really, it's all gold !)

***

Today was supplying day for the Marauder crew. You and the Batch has just returned at Ord Mantell after your last mission for Cid. She paid you the credits she owed you, so it was time for some groceries and equipment shopping.

As usual, you split into two teams : the one going in town for groceries, and the one staying at the ship to tidy and clean the interior space.

It was a tradition inherited from the time of the Republic : every Clone battalion had to go for a cleansing day every now and then to keep their barracks organized and fit to live in. To be honest, it wasn’t really part of the Clone Force 99 habits to maintain their room on Kamino. In fact, it was mostly your idea to establish a cleansing day. Of course, Echo had already tried to force the idea on them long before you became part of the team, but they weren’t enthusiastic about it, so he just ended giving up.

But since Omega and you have joined them, they have finally realized that it was much needed, to keep the place they were living in in a somewhat decent state. And this time, it was to the two of you to fulfill that mission.

***

“Tech, are you sure we haven’t forgot anything ?” Echo asks his brother, who was scrolling on his datapad to check if all the items from the groceries list are crossed.

“Affirmative”, he answers, “we have everything we need to eat and to keep the Marauder flying for at least ten more rotations !”

“Good, let’s go back home then.”

As they approached the ship, Hunter started to hear some distant melody. More than just music playing, he heard some familiar voices that made his ears twitch.

“Did you hear that too ?” he asked his brothers.

“Yes, I did, pretty clearly” Tech answered, “Me too” Wrecker added.

“Seems like (y/n) and Omega are having a little fun while we’re working” Echo said jokingly with a smile.

The voices and the rhythm became more distinct as they entered.

“ … I'll make you happy, baby, just wait and see

For every kiss you give me, I'll give you three …”

You didn’t hear the boys coming, as the music was a bit loud, and you were totally carried away in the heat of the moment. They noticed that everything that was usually settled on the floor had been lifted on the furniture, and that the said floor was still wet on some spots.

“ … Oh, since the day I saw you

I have been waiting for you

You know I will adore you 'til eternity …”

When they finally caught a glimpse of you, they found themselves in front of a pretty unique and unexpected spectacle.

“ … So won't you, please (be my, be my baby)

Be my little baby? (my one and only baby) …”

Here you were, the handle of the mop in one hand, using it as a microphone, facing Omega who had a sponge squished in hers for the same purpose, both dancing in rhythm and singing passionately in unison. The floor was in the middle of being mopped, but everything else was as clean as it could be.

“ … Say you'll be my darlin' (be my, be my baby)

Be my baby now (my one and only baby)

Whoa-oh-oh-oh …”

They did their best not to interrupt you and stay discreet and quiet, but to be fair, it didn’t take them too much effort, for you were so absorbed that nothing could have disturbed you right now.

When the song ended, the two of you were happier as ever and giggling.

“Heyyyy, great job, you’ve nailed it girl !” you exclaimed at Omega, high fiving her.

The young girl’s eyes were sparkling with joy, she loved those shared moments with you.

But suddenly, you felt that something was off, and you stopped laughing, freezing at the realization that you weren’t alone anymore. When Omega noticed it, she turned her head toward the entrance of the room and smiled even more widely at the sight of her brothers.

“Hey !! Guys !! Have you heard us ? What do you think ? Isn’t (y/n) a great singer ?”

You weren’t even able to face them as you were horribly embarrassed. Your cheeks were burning red, and your only reflex was to facepalm yourself to try to hide it.

“That was awesome !!” a very enthusiastic Wrecker shouted out.

“That was great, indeed !”

“Yeah” Hunter spoke with a gentle smile. You could feel his gaze on you, making you blush even more, “that was impressive, both of you”.

“Thanks !!!” Omega was so proud, it was adorable.

“Don’t be so shy (y/n), look, they found it great !!”

You smiled at her words, moving your hand slightly from your eyes to look at her.

“Is that true ?” you teased, a smug smile on your lips.

“Of course !”

“Yes, your voices matched that song pretty greatly, well done !”

Wrecker and Tech immediately answered with encouraging smiles.

Then your eyes met Hunters. You could swear he was blushing too. He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut by a grinning Echo.

“Yeah, why are you so shy ? Of course you’re a great singer, have you forgotten all the applause you used to get back in the day ?”

“Seriously, Echo ?” you grumbled, looking deadpan at him.

“Seriously, you should be proud of that voice, even if it’s even better when you’re playing while singing.”

“What are you talking bout ?” Wrecker asked, confused.

“Don’t you dare !” you warned him, pointing a finger at his direction.

“Ho, she never told you ?” his mischievous grin turned into a soft smile, “(y/n) used to carry her guitar wherever she went, especially on our days off. Sometimes we had the chance to get a private concert in the barracks, sometimes she would carry it with her to the 79”. Every time she started to play, everyone stopped talking to listen to her, and most of the time, we all ended singing along.”

You let out a deep sigh.

“Really ?” The giant’s eyes were now looking at you with fascination.

“You never told us that you knew how to play guitar !” Hunter said with surprise.

“That’s because it was very long ago, I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to play again … Plus, I didn’t get any more music instrument at hand anymore, I didn’t get the chance to bring it with me when …”

You stopped, frowning slightly, your eyes got lost in the vague for a few seconds before you could get your composure again. When you raised your head, you noticed that Hunter seemed moved by your words.

“Anyway,” you let out, trying your best to hide your troubles, “maybe someday I’ll get the chance to show you, but for now, karaoke will do, and we have some mopping to finish !”

You winked at the young girl, who immediately chuckled in response.

“Go on, you’ll take the cockpit, I take the back space, last one to finish will paid mantel mix to the other !”

Omega giggled and grabbed one of the mops “Good luck then !” she burst before heading for the said cockpit.

As the boy’s attention went on the groceries organizing, Echo didn’t move and stood still besides you. You looked at each other for a moment, before he lowered his head with a sad look.

“I’m sorry … I didn’t mean to embarrass you, let alone make you sad by bringing back old memories … I just wanted to tease you as we always do, you know, I thought it could be funny … I’m sorry, it was a stupid move …”

You got closer to him, and put your hand on his shoulder in a reassuring gesture.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m fine, don’t worry. It’s just that … I wasn’t expecting that, I was taken aback, that’s all, but that’s okay, really !”

“I’m sorry” he repeated, sighing heavily, trying to avoid your eyes, “But to be honest, I miss those times … I miss those special little moments with everyone, when you were singing us some song in the barracks, you know ? Every time we were listening to you, all of our worries seemed to suddenly vanish, it was incredible, and I miss hat, I miss all of them …”

As he spoke, tears were starting to form in his eyes. It broke your heart to see him like that. You and him have gone through so much during the war. You were particularly close to each other, everyone in the Batch knew it from the many stories Echo had told them about you. You were here when they rescued him from the Citadel, and you were here when he decided to stay with them, you had been by his side for so long. You knew each other so well, you knew he didn’t means to hurt you by saying all if this.

“I know”, you whispered back, “But it’s okay, I’m not mad at you, I know you can be a little tease sometimes, but don’t worry, really.” You did your best to cheer him up, he smiled back, but the tears were still here.

“You know … I miss them too …” you finally confess, “And I miss those moments too, I think about them every day to be honest …”

Tears were rolling down his cheeks now. Echo had always done his best to stay strong in front of the others, and he was pretty good at hiding his feelings. But with you, it was different. Of course, he trusted the rest of the batch, but he trusted you on another level. You had so much in common, you had shared and lived through so much things together, you were so close that you were the only person he was able to share absolutely everything with.

The only answer you could give him was to wrap your arms around his neck and pulling him close in a reassuring embrace. You stayed like that for a moment, sharing each other pain until it soothes, comforting each other as you’ve always did.

Even if you were apart from the others, in the corner of the room where no one could have caught a glimpse of what you were saying, Hunter was still able to understand what was happening.

He knew you were both missing your late brothers in arms, and it often broke his heart to see you so devastated. But this time, a crazy little idea crossed his mind, and he decided to take charge of bringing back some of your lost happiness.

***

After the next mission, it was supposed to be Hunter and Tech turn to do the cleaning on the Marauder while the rest of the crew was going on a supplying trip. Hunter wasn’t usually very prone to cleaning and tidying. He was the kind of man who didn’t really bothered to live surrounded by dust and dirt, but he was doing his best to show willingness on this duty anyway, thanks to you. Even if it was still making him grumpy, he couldn’t deny that living in a clean space was more comfortable, especially since Omega was here. Since the two of you were here, he seemed to acknowledge and mind a lot of things he wasn’t caring about before.

But today he had something else on his mind. As soon as you came back to the ship from shopping, he jumped from his sit and headed toward the door, claiming to have a personal business to settle. You didn’t even get the chance to ask him about the level of cleanliness of the ship that he was already gone, leaving the squad in shared confusion. So you asked Tech instead, trying to understand what was going on with Hunter at the same time. The only explanation you got was that he seemed very impatient to go at the local market too, and that he was impressively motivated and fast to do his chores, which was very convenient for his partner, since he wasn’t very inclined to fulfill them neither.

So you just rolled with it. After all, even if it was intriguing, everyone had the right to some alone time once in a while.

When he came back, you weren’t sure what to think about him. You could swear that he was more joyful than when he had left the ship previously. In fact, everyone had noticed it, and Wrecker didn’t miss the occasion to tease him about it. You were able to catch a weird and suspect eye contact between him and Echo, telling you that they were probably up to something. But you just decided to let it go, trying your best not to wonder about what it could have been. You had the feeling that you’ll discover what it was all about soon enough.

As the day passed by, every task that needed to be done on board were completed. The Marauder was cleaner as ever, all the provisions racks were full, and you had enough ammunitions to take down an entire droid’s battalion. Now all that was left to do was to rest and take some good time until you were assigned to your next mission.

You were sitting on your bunk, putting your blaster back together after cleaning it piece by piece, the ship was peaceful as everyone was busy doing their own things, when Echo and Hunter came back from outside of the ship.

“If I may point out” Echo spoke, “Cid didn’t reach for us yet, which mean that we, at least, have tonight to take some time to relax and do whatever we want to.”

“Does that mean that you had something in mind?” Tech asked, not even raising his head from his datapad.

“To be honest, it had been some times since we hadn’t shared a drink, and I think that it could be a good idea to go out at Cid’s bar and have a chill evening, don’t you think ?”

“I knew it !” Tech finally looked at him, smiling “That’s indeed a very good idea !”

“I’m in !” Wrecker beamed. Of course he was.

“Me too !” You answered enthusiastically.

“Yes ! Wrecker, will you play dejarik with me ?” Omega asked her brother excitedly, who immediately started to complain jokingly about how she was always winning and that he had no chance to beat her anyway.

“Perfect then !” Echo concluded.

Hunter didn’t say anything, but you knew he was always in for a drink or more. You saw him smile with satisfaction at your answers, but most of all, you caught another meaningful look between him and Echo. Something had to happen tonight for sure.

***

The bar was a bit crowded as usual. You were looking at Omega playing dejarik with some Ithorian from afar. Wrecker had tried it for a couple games, but ended giving up after losing every times as he expected. It made you smile to see her so happy like that. And it was good to relax a bit before the next mission, it was well deserved for everyone. Wrecker and Tech were now passionately debating about some weapons efficiency while Echo was looking at them amusingly. You had started to feel a bit dizzy from the alcohol, and now a very pleasurable feeling of lightness and peacefulness was taking over you.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t even notice Hunter when he came to sit next to you at first. He looked at you for a moment, admiring you intensely before engaging the conversation.

“She’s really talented, I’ve never seen anyone won as much games in a row …”

“Yeah, she is. She’s really gifted” you answered, smiling proudly. “It reassures me to see that she can still be happy despite what she’s gone through”.

“I know you’re worried about her, I am too … I’m still figuring out how to take care of a child to be honest, and sometimes I just feel a bit lost, but I guess that I’m doing my best … We’re not prepared for that as soldiers, it’s not part of the training …”

The tone of his voice was sadder, and when you detach your eyes from Omega to look at him, you could read doubt on his face.

“I think you’re doing great, really. The four of you, you are wonderful brothers to her. I know it can be scary and unsettling sometimes, having to protect and care for another being through this world … It’s a heavy burden for sure … But trust me, you are doing great, and I mean it.”

“Thank you” he answered softly, a wide smile appearing on his face.

What you had just told him was really touching and reassuring him. He knew you had to take care of the younglings sometimes, back at the Jedi temple, and that you had been on a lot of battlefields with young padawans, unfortunately forced to witness more of their suffering that you could have possibly imagined … You never got the chance to have your own padawan to train before it all ended, but you knew very well what it meant to care for a child so young and vulnerable, even if they were supposed to be trained for fighting.

“To be honest, it wouldn’t be the same without you. You’re helping us a lot, with everything ... And … you mean a lot to Omega, she’s really attached to you, Echo is really attached to you, we all are really attached to you … I’m not sure if I have told you this before but … I’m glad you joined us … You really are part of the squad now … Really part of our family … And, yeah … It wouldn’t be the same without you …” he slowly added, in a more shy and hesitant tone.

It was hard for him to let all of that out. He was stumbling over his words, he wasn’t used to express his feelings, and you had a very strong presentiment that he wanted to add more, that he had something heavier on his mind to confess to you, but he seemed unable to. 

Your cheeks started to get warm and blushing, but you couldn’t break the eyes contact. It was way too intense and too mesmerizing, you could have drowned in his eyes at that moment.

You opened your mouth to answer something, but you couldn’t find your words. You desperately wanted to tell him how being part of that family was one of the best things that had ever happened to you, and that finding them had given your life a whole new start and a reason to keep fighting after losing everything that you had. But you couldn’t, you were so moved that you couldn’t even answer.

“I have something for you” he suddenly let out, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“What ? For me ? Why ?” you answer with surprise, still shacked by his words.

“Because I found something that I think you’ll like, and I wanted to give you a surprise … It’s inside the ship, would you mind following me ?” He had already stood up from his seat, inviting you to follow him with a tilt of his head.

“Of course, yes” you stood up too “I’m sorry, I wasn’t prepared for that.”

“Yeah, that’s the point of a surprise !” He chuckled at your confusion.

His smile was heartwarming, and you were so focused on it when you left the bar that you didn’t notice Echo watching you from the corner of his eye, a satisfied grin on his face.

***

When you enter the Marauder, Hunter made you sit on his bunk before heading toward the entrance again. He was nervous, it was the first time that you were alone together aboard the ship, and neither of you were use to its strange quietness.

“Close your eyes, I’ll come back, it won’t be long, don’t open them before I tell you so.”

“Yes sir !” you exclaimed, curiosity taking over you.

You heard his footsteps going down the metallic ramp. You were even more confused, where the hell was he able to hide something on the outside of the ship ?

When he came back on board again, your heart started to pound with impatience, beating faster with each of his footsteps. When he stopped in front of you, he stayed silent for a few seconds that seemed like eternity.

“You can open your eyes now …”

You immediately gasp at the sight of what was in front of you : carefully held between Hunter’s hands was a beautiful vintage guitar, old but still in good condition.

“Oh Maker !” you let out, “How did you manage to find that ?”

“Here, on Ord Mantell, at the local market. Remember that weird looking antique store right in front of the Mantell Mix stand ? They sell all kind of interesting stuff there, including old music instruments. It’s not much, but I thought you’ll be happy to be able to play again … “

“It’s absolutely perfect … Thank you so much Hunter … I … I can’t express how much it means to me ” your voice was now trembling with excitement and your eyes were sparkling with happiness,  “Can I … Can I try it ?”

“Of course, it’s all yours !”

You carefully took the guitar and put it on your lap while Hunter sat next to you on the bunk, examining it from every angle.

“That’s incredible, it’s nearly the same as the one I had back then …”

“Well, that’s because Echo helped me to choose it. He told me that yours was a particular design that Senator Amidala brought you back from one of her diplomatic missions. Guess I got lucky on this one …”

“I knew it !” you burst, “I knew that there was something going on, those eyes contacts were obviously hiding something ! But I must admit, I would have never suspected that … You two really are the bests !”

He was the happiest man right now, knowing that his gift was making you happy, on top of the fact that he was finally able to spend some time with you.

You give him a fond smile and before starting to pull the strings one after the other to tune them. As you were playing some random notes, Hunter’s attention turned to your hands, looking eagerly at your fingers dancing along the neck. Then the notes became chords, and you repeated these chords again, and again, like if you were trying to start something bigger. Like a hesitant bird flapping its wings again and again until it can finally remember how to fly, you wanted your hands to remember the right movements.

He couldn’t get his eyes off of your fingers. He was so focused, so mesmerized by the recovering of their dexterity that he didn’t notice the long breath you took before your lips parted.

“Remember me …”

The sound of your voice made his heart skip a beat. You had no idea how many times he had wished to hear it again …

“ … For I have to say goodbye, remember me …”

His head raised from your fingers to your face, his eyes sparkling with awe, admiring your features in silence.

“ … Don’t let it make you make you cry …”

Goosebumps run all over his skin, sending shivers across his entire body.

“ … For even if I'm far away, I hold you in my heart,

“I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart …”

As you were singing, you felt tears slowly brimming to your eyes and a lump invading your throat. Your voice started to tremble, and it took you a lot of energy to prevent it from breaking.

“ … Remember me,

Though I have to travel far …”

You closed your eyes, your mind aching from the sudden burst of old and painful memories coming from the depth of your brain. Your hands knew the movements so well that even without your eyes looking at the strings, the music went on flawlessly.

“ … Remember me,

Each time you hear a sad guitar …”

You used to sing that song to ease the minds of your fellow clone soldiers when the horrors of war were becoming too heavy to carry. It was a way to commemorate those who had fallen on the battlefield, a way to pay them tribute and to show that, even thought they were gone, you weren’t forgetting about them and their sacrifice.

You had learned it at the time you were fighting along the 501st, and you had played it a lot because it was often requested to you. It meant so much to you back in the day, and it was even more now, after everything that happened at the end of the war.

“ … Know that I'm with you the only way that I can be,

Until you're in my arms again …”

Tears were now rolling down your cheeks, but you weren’t paying any attention to them, for you were too focused on keeping your voice straight, only willing to honor your memories by finishing the song properly. Your emotion was contagious, and soon, Hunter’s eyes were watery as well.

“… Remember me …”

You sighed heavily as you played the last notes, then let your head fell on top of the guitar, wrapping your arms tightly around the instrument, like if you were hugging every one of those you were missing. You stayed like that for a moment, in complete silence, lost in your thoughts.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel sad with that gift … It seemed that music was something you were very fond of before, and I was just thinking that maybe, it could be comforting for you to have a chance play again …”

Hunter’s voice was full of concern. You were probably looking like a mess right now you thought, but you still find the courage to raise your head and look at him, giving him a weak but sincere smile.

“No, I’m fine, don’t worry … It’s just that … It’s hard to face those memories again sometimes, even the good ones, you know …. But I’m glad to still have them, this is all I have left of it, after all …”

You sighed again, looking at the guitar and brushing its surface with the tips of you fingers like if it was the most precious thing in the galaxy.

“Thank you so much, Hunter, that’s the best thing that you could have offered to me, really …”

“I have to admit …” he started to answer, hesitant, before going on, “it was a bit of a very selfish move … The truth is … I was craving to hear your voice again, and this …” he pointed at the guitar with a nod, “it was the perfect opportunity … I couldn’t help myself but, at least, try … I have just no words to describe what I’ve felt the other day when I heard you sing, it was just … Breathtaking honestly … ”

The way he was looking at you while speaking was so intense that it made your cheeks start to blush. It has been a long time since someone had looked at you that way, and it was totally taking you aback. You chuckled at his revelations, it was adorable, and rather flattering.

“Well, that’s a very smart move honestly !” you chuckled, “Thank you again, it’s been so long since I’ve sing for someone who enjoyed it … I think I needed that …”

The more he was looking at you, the more beautiful you were to him, and the more he was craving to touch your face and to kiss your lips. But at the same time, he wanted to comfort you and to make you feel safe, for seeing you cry and struggle with memories was heartbreaking to him.

Gathering his courage, he slowly raised his arm to wrap it around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him until your two bodies were pressed against each other, before moving his hand to your head and to gently stroke your hair.

You closed your eyes, settling your head on his shoulder, allowing your body to relax against his. His gestures were so soft and comforting, that soon, your mind felt at ease again, completely focusing on that touch you had wished to feel on your skin for so long. It was perfect, and you let yourself being submerged by that pleasant feeling.

As he was resting his head upon yours, Hunter realized that it still wasn’t the right moment to confess about his feelings for you like he had planned too. But it wasn’t bothering him, for that moment shared with you was a very special and meaningful one, and he had the feeling that it was another step into solidifying his already strong bond with you. One step at the time, he thought, maybe the next time will be the right, but for now, he wanted to enjoy the precious embrace.

“So …”, you let out after a moment, a sly smile appearing on your lips, “would you like to hear another one ?”

“Yes, please,” he breathed out, “with pleasure …”

And that’s how you both spent the rest of your night sat on his bunk, singing and playing various songs to him, giving him the best improvised private concert of his life.

You were still at it when the rest of the batch came back from the bar, and they all instantly gathered around the bunk to listen to you. You could swear that you caught a tear rolling over Echo’s cheek. Even if he was trying his best to keep his composure, you knew that it was giving him as much as emotions as you when you met the proud and nostalgic glance he was giving you.

Omega and Wrecker’s eyes were sparkling with fascination as they carefully listened to you, and Tech was stuck in awe too, eyes riveted to the confident movements of your fingers.

That night turned out to be a blessing that you fondly enjoyed, and for once in a long time, you felt completely and perfectly at your place, surrounded by people that you were now considering as your family, and hopping that one day, you’ll finally be courageous enough to tell their lovely sergeant how badly head over heels you were for him.

[bonesandthebees]

Internship is certainly going. I want to say going okay… I could be doing better but I kinda got unlucky with my internship spot and workload. This would be much easier to explain if I could just say what kinda of internship it is, but that kinda feels like too much details both for my current degree and the job I’ll be doing after. (Internet safety and all that). Anyway, what I can say is that anyone in the field irl pulls a face when they hear about my internship. The workload feels impossible, but somehow I’m doing it and I’m about half way through so *aggressively knocks on wood* it should be fine.

I do have a different internship in like a month or so and some other projects but those feel like child’s play compared to the current hell incarnate. So moral of the story: sometimes you just get to have a few mental breakdowns, pick yourself back up and go again the next day (again and again and again and again). It’s like that quote: [“It gets a little bit easier every day, but you have to keep doing it.”] or what’s the other one? [the only way out is through]. And then take plenty of breaks and do fun things even if it feels like you don’t have the time because that’s the only thing that’ll keep you going. The world is always more manageable after a good meal or a power nam or a 15 minute music break.

I’ve been blasting a lot of music based on moods, getting back into Dutch music because girl, I need to learn how to spell properly and every internship I have a song that gets me through. This one it’s ‘secret for the mad’ by Dodie. I’ve had to loop it over and over to get the motivation to try at times, to really let the words sink in, but it helps. So find a song to get you through when you need it.

Lastly, I’ve been meaning to say something about Him, but I just haven’t had the time and energy to write something coherent (aka I’m not using my 30 minutes of evening downtime that are just for me for this negative energy). Best thing is can say is that this is a good opportunity to get into new creators. Just have fun with it (hermitcraft season 10 has been getting be through this). Listen to new music. Try new things to fill the void. I’ve pruned all my playlists and social media follows and such and it felt like a fresh start. (Oh and learned your red flags people. People who don’t respect your boundaries (no matter how small) can be(come) very dangerous.)

My only issue now is that I can play since I saw Vienna and La Jolla on guitar (the picking patterns always smooth me), but now I’m not sure if I can keep doing that. I haven’t tried playing them. I feel like I should look at the lyrics first then decide. But I haven’t found any picking songs with the same soothing vibe, so I’ve been playing a bunch of my classical pieces and I really like playing the ‘romantic’ ones and for some reason the polkas and the blues? So again filling the void.

Anyway, thanks for all the well wishes. I’ve been missing you guys. This has been chaotic life updates with Spruce. I really need to start being productive now. So, bye!

-🌲

yeah of course don't say any details that would reveal too much info about you, but man that sounds stressful :( at least you'll switch to something else in a month?? I'm so sorry you're stuck in hell rn I hope you get through it alright!! make sure to take it easy when you can!! you're so right the world is so much easier to deal with after a power nap or a snack

oooo I haven't heard secret for the mad in a long time but I used to listen to dodie from time to time. I used to think of such angsty scenarios with my ships while listening to 'sick of losing soulmates'

also it's so real to have a song to help you get through shit like that. I'd say rn for me one of those songs is all american bitch by olivia rodrigo because I just have a lot of fun screaming it in the car. tested waters by loupe is a calmer one I've been listening to on repeat lately

you're right this is a great opportunity to get into new creators. I was already drifting to watching qsmp creators more often besides just phil and tubbo, but now I've been trying to tune into bagi and tina's streams if I have the time

definitely look at the lyrics first, but I feel like out of most of the ycgma songs since I saw vienna and la jolla are two of the 'safest' options you could pick for something like that. at least compared to your sister was right and losing face...

la jolla and since i saw vienna are both such pretty songs though. there's nothing wrong with playing those on your own guitar I'd say? it's not giving any money to him. but of course it's up to your own personal comfort.

good luck spruce!!! ty for checking in we all miss you over here!! <33

[mi-rae07]

Kim Hongjoong : Tear Me Apart

Pairing : Kim Hong-Joong (Ateez) and named character (Yoon He-Ran)

___________________

A/n : Okay so basically this has high levels of angst, and one of the characters tries to kill themselves as well, so please be aware of that. 

Tons of medical inaccuracy in here (literally written by a surgeon’s daughter, ironic), but once again, the setting was necessary. Let’s just say I got inspired by the drama “The Glory”

Song recc : The Whisper Of Forest by Suran

____________________

He-ran bowed to her colleagues as she walked towards her office, adjusting her doctor's coat properly. She took a sip of her coffee and was about to enter her room when she heard a voice behind her

??? : doctor yoon?

Heran turned around, coming face to face with Kim Hongjoong, the only son of the owner of the hospital she worked in, and her bestfriend since 10.

Heran : aigoo, hongjoong-ah, why do you keep calling me that.

Hongjoong chuckled and said

Hongjoong : because I like it, why else. I saw you try your hardest to become a doctor and now you are, I'd prefer to call you this sometimes.

Heran smiled and asked

Heran : no surgeries for you today?

Hongjoong : I do have one, within 15 minutes. You?

Heran : none, I'm just going to visit my mother soon.

Her mother had been admitted to the hospital 3 years ago, due to a car accident that had killed her father and put her mother into a coma. She still hadn't woken up.

Hongjoong : alright then, I'll talk to you later, hmm?

Heran nodded as hongjoong gave her a small hug before walking away, making heran smile as she entered her office and shut the door behind her.

___________________________

Heran smiled at the patient as he got up and left after a consultation with Heran. She sighed and leaned against her chair, her eyes falling to the picture of hongjoong and her that was kept in a frame on top of her desk. It was her favorite picture of the both of them, and it had been the only thing keeping her sane all this while. She had always wondered whether hongjoong only saw her as a bestfriend, because she had seen him as something more than that ever since she was 13. but she had never told that to hongjoong, because one day he would learn who she really is and he'd hate her. She wouldn't be able to handle that if she had told him she loved him as well, and hence she just lived with her feelings.

Heran looked up as the door opened, revealing hongjoong with two banana milk containers in his hand. Heran chuckled as hongjoong smiled and said, skipping towards her desk

Hongjoong : doctor yoon, your bestfriend has bought you your favourite banana milk.

Heran took the bottle from hongjoong and took a sip before saying

Heran : doesn't my bestfriend have a surgery?

Hongjoong let out a breath and plopped down on the chair before saying

Hongjoong : I'm on a break, the other doctors are doing some work right now. It'd take 10 more minutes so I can rest for a while.

Heran : hmm.

Hongjoong looked at the photo frame on heran's desk, a small smile playing on his lips as he asked

Hongjoong : seriously? You still haven't taken this off?

Heran : why would I? It means quite a lot to me.

Hongjoong : it was just another day at the amusement park, heran-ah.

Heran smiled and nodded as she said

Heran : for you, that was it. But for me? It was the only day I was truly ever happy.

_______________________

Hongjoong bowed at the doctors and nurses as the surgery finished, them bowing back as well with a smile. Hongjoong motioned to one of the doctors, his friend, to follow him outside as he walked towards the washing area. Hongjoong removed the gloves and opened the tap, washing his hand as he said to Hwan

Hongjoong : Hwan-ah, that patient there, make sure he's monitored 24/7, properly.

Hwan : you don't think the surgery was successful, hongjoong-shi?

Hongjoong shook his head, applying soap into his hands. Hwan sighed and said

Hwan : you're always like this, the statistics-

Hongjoong : the statistics can be wrong, Hwan. This is a person's life we're dealing with, it's important.

Hwan nodded as hongjoong sighed and rubbed his palms together, trying to remove all the blood that had gotten on him. Hwan leaned against the wall with a folded arms and asked sheepishly

Hwan : so, doctor yoon and you?

Hongjoong rolled his eyes and said

Hongjoong : you still haven't let it go, have you?

Hwan : come on, the only son of a Chaebol family and a neurosurgeon working in their owned hospital? It's a total k-drama.

Hongjoong chuckled and wiped his hands before saying

Hongjoong : except she doesn't love me.

Hwan : you haven't asked.

Hongjoong : yeah no, I already know the answer. Take care of yourself, hwan-ah.

Hongjoong tapped his friend's shoulder and walked away, wishing to find heran. Hwan sighed and whispered under his breath

Hwan : aish, how stupid is that man.

__________________

Heran walked towards her mother's room as the sound of her heels clicking resonated around the empty hallway, her hands tucked in the pockets of her coat. She had rented this entire hospital floor for her mother, paying the bills on a monthly basis. It was expensive, but then again, she was a neurosurgeon.

Heran's face was blank as she opened the door to her mother's room and stepped inside, the sound of machines beeping reaching her ears. Heran walked towards her mother and smiled, asking in the most pitiful voice as she could, knowing her mother could hear her

Heran : have you been well, eomma? It must hurt a lot, right?

Heran chuckled, leaning closer to her mom as she whispered against her ears

Heran : I'm going to make it hurt a thousand times worse for you.

Heran giggled and walked towards the screen next to her mom's bed, checking the stats with glowing eyes

Kidneys : 20%

Heart : 90%

Lungs : 40%

Stomach : 35%

Brain : 85%

Liver : 50%

All of these vital organs except the brain and heart, had been above 90%. But that was three years ago, not anymore. Not when heran had been slowly injecting fluids into her mother's body on a monthly basis, slowly and painfully killing her. She was a surgeon, after all, and she had access to all sorts of medicines and she was rich enough to afford all of them, even pay for her mother's bills while also being the reason of her slow death.

She had wanted to make it painful for her mother, hence why she hadn't touched the brain and heart. The doctors hadn't realized someone was slowly poisoning her either, the degradation was that slow and careful. After all, heran had dedicated her whole life into this.

Heran smiled and walked up to her mother, taking out a syringe with the fluid already in it and brought it to the IV, injecting the fluid into it. Heran looked back at the screen, seeing the lung capacity slowly lower. Heran chuckled and turned to face her mother once again, running her hand along her mother's gray hair as she whispered

Heran : suffer like I did, eomma. I'll visit you soon, love you.

Heran threw the syringe away and turned to face the door, coming to a pause as she realized that someone had seen everything that she done.

Heran : h-hongjoong.

Hongjoong was staring at her mother, his eyes teary and red as his hands trembled. Heran felt fear grip her body for the first time since years, she wasn't ready to face this. Hongjoong was the only person she had. Heran shook her head, stepping closer as she whispered

Heran : joong.

Hongjoong looked at heran with eyes that tore her hear apart, a shaky breath falling from his lips as he whispered shakily

Hongjoong : tell me I'm…te-tell me I'm seeing things.

Heran pressed her lips together as she said

Heran : please just…just listen to me. Hongjoong, I swear-

Hongjoong : no, stop.

Heran was about to hold hongjoong's hand when he shook his head and ran away, betrayal and pain gripping his body. Heran cursed under her breath and ran after hongjoong, following him until he stopped in the hospital garden, panting breathlessly. He felt like his body was going to collapse, and he was sure it would if he ran any further.

Heran stopped right in front of hongjoong, desperation lacing her tone as she said breathlessly

Heran : hongjoong! Hongjoong, please, just let me…let me explain-

Hongjoong : explain why you were trying to kill your own mother?

Heran paused, her breathing heavy. Hongjoong's teary eyes stared right at hers as he asked

Hongjoong : is this…is this why she's been in a coma for 3 whole years? Because her own daughter was slowly poisoning her?

Heran : hongjoong.

Hongjoong : TELL ME!

Heran let out a breath, knowing there was no way out of this. Hongjoong deserved to know the truth, and although he was going to hate her for it, she couldn't avoid it any longer.

Heran : I became a doctor, in order for this to happen. I worked all those years in a foreign country, studying until I couldn't see straight anymore, in order to work in the same hospital my mother would get admitted into, and slowly kill her as she felt every single ounce of the pain she had once inflicted on me.

Hongjoong stared at heran with wide eyes, tears streaming down his face at her words. Heran smiled blankly and whispered

Heran : and yes, I caused that car accident too. I hired someone to do it, and now that someone is gone from this country so there's nothing you can do to her. And I have no links with the accident whatsoever.

Hongjoong : you're…you're a murderer.

Heran : no, I am a victim. A victim of parental abuse, rape and abandonment.

Hongjoong flinched, a small gasp leaving his lips as realization dawned upon him. The reason she always covered her body, the reason she never let anyone inside her house or even see it…

Heran : do you know why I always wear long clothes that cover my entire body?

Heran harshly pulled up her shirt cuffs, causing it to tear as her skin became visible to hongjoong. A sob tore off his chest as he stared at the burn marks in her skin, the sign of someone crushing a cigarette against her skin and the signs of someone having whipped her in the same spot multiples times.

Heran : these marks, they were left there by the same people who gave birth to me. The same people who were supposed to love me, the same people who were supposed to protect me!

Hongjoong : h-heran.

Heran : that's why I'm killing her, that's why she's been in pain for the past 3 years, not being able to live, not being able to die. It's for those 17 years of pain she inflicted on me, FOR BEING THE REASON I NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD!

Hongjoong sobbed, covering his face with his hands as heran chuckled and said

Heran : aren't you going to report me to the police? Do it. Stop crying and do it, right now.

He wouldn't dare, even if he wanted to, he couldn't. all hongjoong wanted to do now was fall at her feet and cry his heart out for everything that he had never been able to protect her from. He was her childhood friend and he never, not once, ever thought of this.

Hongjoong walked up to heran, wrapping his arms around her as he cried into her shoulders

Hongjoong : I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm so sorry heran-ah.

Heran : why are you sorry?

Hongjoong : I'M SORRY FOR NEVER KNOWING. FOR…for…for not being there for you when I should have. And I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this alone, I'm so sorry.

Heran pressed her lips together, trying not to cry as she whispered

Heran : let go of me, hongjoong.

She hated pity, she despised it. And she didn't deserve to be with him anymore. Hongjoong shook his head, still crying as he whispered through his sobs

Hongjoong : no.

Heran : hongjoong-

Hongjoong : no no no NO, please. Please let me help, please.

Heran : there's nothing to help anymore, hongjoong, it's all already done and gone.

Hongjoong : no it's not, you can still live again.

Heran : these scars-

Hongjoong : I don’t care! All I know is you…you can't leave, not when you've gone through so much.

Heran just stood still, not moving and not knowing what to say. Hongjoong cried and said

Hongjoong : don't abandon me, heran-ah. Don't leave me, I love you.

Heran froze, her heart stopping at those words. Those three words that she had never wanted to hear from him, the three words that healed her broken heart and then shattered it apart into pieces again. She felt physical pain run through her body as she said

Heran : stop.

Hongjoong : I love you.

Heran : stop saying that!

Hongjoong : I love you.

Heran screamed and pushed hongjoong away from her harshly, making him lose balance and stumble as he fell on the ground. Hongjoong looked up at heran with teary eyes as she let out a breath and ran away, tears running down her face. All she wanted to do now, was die.

_____________________________________

Heran ran to the wash basin in her kitchen, throwing up as soon as she bent her head. She felt tears drip down her cheeks as she sobbed, feeling everything she had eaten before get thrown out of her body harshly. Her hands clutched her stomach, her head spinning and light. She finally gagged one last time before washing her mouth with trembling hands. Of course she did, her mother had always hit her when she didn't wash her hands after doing every little thing, it was why her hands were still so torn and rough. Because she kept aggressively rubbing it until blood dripped down along with the water.

Heran sobbed and slid down the wall next to the wash basin, her wet hands coming up to grasp her hair as she screamed in pain and sorrow. What had the world done to her? She was only a little girl who wanted love from her parents, but instead she was abused and thrown away like trash. And then she had gotten hongjoong, the only shining star in her life and now…now she could never go back to him.

Why? Because he was gold and glory, he was too good to be true, he had a heart of diamonds and there wasn't anything about him that wasn't pure. He grew up in richness and warmth, and love. He grew up with everything and grew up to have everything. While her? She was black and filth, she was anything but pure. Hell, she couldn't even smile without having to practice it in front of the mirror every day. She would destroy hongjoong's life, and she couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of his pain. If she…if she left now, he'd live to be happy and have a good life. Let her rot from here, let her die, let her starve, she didn't care. But she couldn't let anything happen to hongjoong.

But…she loved him, she loved hongjoong. Why was it that she could never have anything she wanted, why was it that she never…she never got anything she wanted? Was her life that cursed?

Heran cried harder as thoughts filled her mind, thoughts, memories, her dreams, everything crashed into her mind all at once, making her feel like she was exploding. Heran wailed in pain, her screams falling into nothingness as flashbacks of her mom hitting her, her dad pushing her onto the bed and them beating her up played through her mind.

Heran clenched her hands, the tip of her nails digging into her skin as blood pooled in the area. But it didn't help, even the physical pain didn't help. All she could do now? Was die.

______________________________________

Hongjoong looked at the woman lying on the bed in front of him, her grey hair spread out in the pillow as the machines beeped continuously, monitoring her heart beat. Hongjoong scoffed at the thought of that. Heart beat? Heart? What heart did this woman have, the same woman who hurt her daughter, the same woman who let her child get raped and abused?

Hongjoong clenched his hands, the pain in the cut that was caused by heran pushing him away, not bothering him because what was this small cut, when compared to whatever she had gone through?

Hongjoong looked at the mother of the woman he loved, feeling the utmost desire to just take that oxygen mask off of her, to let her die for whatever she had done to heran.

But he couldn't, because it wasn't his job to do. This was heran's mother, and whatever that happened to her, had to be done by heran, not him.

Hongjoong let out a shaky breath and wiped his tears, not wanting to look at the monster in front of him for a second longer. He walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. He turned to face his mother, who looked at him and exclaimed

Mrs kim : hongjoong-ah! Where have you been, I've been trying to find you.

Hongjoong : oh uh, why? What's wrong?

His mother paused, looking at hongjoong's state as worry filled her eyes.

Mrs kim : hongjoong, have you been crying?

Hongjoong looked at his mother, feeling thankful for having gotten someone like her, someone who he could always run to, someone who would always love him and take care of him, constantly worried about him. The love she had given him when he was young was, after all, what made him into who he was today. Hongjoong hugged his mom tight, making her smile and wrap her arms around him as he whispered

Hongjoong : no, I haven't been crying.

Mrs kim : is this because doctor yoon left?

Hongjoong froze, his eyes widening as he pulled back and asked his mother

Hongjoong : what?

Mrs kim : it's what I came to tell you, son, Yoon He-ran has resigned, effective today morning.

__________________________________

Hongjoong drove his car towards heran's house, cursing at how far away it was from him. He had always wondered why she lived inside a whole forest, but now, now he knew. The one thing he didn't know was her door lock, but he would find out, somehow. Whatever it took to hold her in his arms. Hongjoong drove faster, breaking past a thousand traffic rules and regulations as fear slowly gripped him.

What if she did something to herself? He had seen the look in her eyes before, and if anything happened to her…

Hongjoong : fucking hell.

___________________________________

Heran closed her eyes as she rested her head against the wall of her living room, the floor-to-ceiling window being transparent allowing her to see the snow patter against it's surface. She had been in this position since yesterday night, not even bothering to turn on the lights or change her clothes.

She had been contemplating everything since this morning when she sent in her resignation letter. She knew what she had done, ruined her revenge, ruined her relationship with hongjoong and his parents, and thrown away her job, leaving her with no income. Not that it mattered to her anyway. She wouldn't be able to see her mother any longer, but then again, her mother was almost close enough to death. 2 more months, max, and then she'd be gone whether or not heran did anything to her system.

So now that that was done, what was her point in this world? She knew she couldn't lead a normal life any longer and she didn't want to live a life that wasn't normal. So there was only one thing left, die.

It was almost 3pm now, the time she was born. It would be nice if she died at the same time too, wouldn't it?

Heran walked up to her kitchen counter, picking up her sleeping pills. She would usually just have one pills or so before she went to sleep at night, but now? She'd need a minimum of ten pills to guarantee her eternal sleep. Heran opened the container with shaky hands and dropped 12 pills onto her hands, filling a glass with water. She was about to put the pills into her mouth when she heard the sound of a car engine, her brows furrowing. She looked through the one way glass window as she saw a Porsche pull right in front of her door. Hongjoong stepped out of it, his breathing heavy as he ran towards the front door.

Heran let out a shaky breath and kept her glass aside, moving closer towards her living room in order to see what hongjoong was doing. She looked at the pills in her hand, knowing it was now or never.

Hongjoong didn't know her password, and he would never guess the lock either. It would take him time and if she ate these now, she'd surely be able to do what she had intended to do. But she didn't know why, but the small sobs that hongjoong let out as he tried different number combinations, each of it failing, made heran pause as she realized…

What if…what if she was hurting him as well by all this.

_________________________________

Hongjoong tried entering a different number combination to open the door to heran's house, tears falling down his eyes as he desperately tried knocking on the door as well. He knew heran was on the other side, he didn't know how, but he knew she was there. He banged on the door harder than before, pathetically crying out as he said

Hongjoong : open the door for me, please heran-ah, please.

Heran just shut her eyes tight, the grip on her pills tightening as her mind ran through everything that would happen once she was gone. Hongjoong hit his fists against the wooden door, his knuckles now turning red from the amount of times he had tried doing so. The scratches in his palm from last night didn't help with the pain either but hongjoong could care less about anything except heran.

Hongjoong : pl-please I swear, I'll do anything. Please just open the door for me, please let me in. please, god!

Hongjoong sobbed harder as he felt no movement from the inside of the house, his entire body freezing from the cold. He let out a shaky breath and brought his hands to the lock, typing in the last thing he could think of, 1998.

Hongjoong let out a gasp as the door opened, making heran flinch as her eyes widened. She hadn't expected hongjoong to guess the lock so quickly, and now it was too late to eat the pills without him seeing it.

Hongjoong swung open the wooden door and entered her house hastily, his eyes widening at the sight of heran in front of him.

Hongjoong : heran-ah. What…what are you doing?

Heran pressed her lips together, her hand with the pills in it held tight behind her back now. Hongjoong's wide eyes stared at her as he whispered, now knowing what she was trying to do

Hongjoong : are those…were you-heran. Were you going to…kill yourself?

Tears fell from heran's eyes as she whispered shakily

Heran : I am going to.

Hongjoong's face fell, his heart breaking apart as fear gripped his body. Hongjoong stepped forward while saying

Hongjoong : no-

Heran stepped back and said, her voice stern

Heran : step closer and I will swallow these.

Hongjoong sobbed in fear and pain, lowering himself to the ground as he practically begged her

Hongjoong : please, please no. don’t do this.

Heran : go away, hongjoong.

Hongjoong cried harder, his tears now staining the marble floor as he said

Hongjoong : come back to me. Please just come back to me, I can't see you gone.

Heran still wasn't convinced, her eyes looking at hongjoong who was kneeling on the floor, looking up at her with desperate eyes. He shook his head, his entire face red and covered in tears and sweat

Hongjoong : why can't you understand, heran! I can't see you dead, I don't want to live in a world without you in it, it's… please.

Heran paused, realizing that her thought was right after all. Hongjoong wanted her alive, he wanted her with him.

Heran : hongjoong.

Hongjoong : you're tearing me apart, yoon he-ran.

Tears fell from her eyes, her hand dropping the pills onto the floor as it clattered against the surface. Hongjoong sobbed in relief, his arms covering his head as he tried to stop his body from shaking. And only then, did she see the cuts and scratches on hongjoong's palm, his knees seeming to be bruised. That was because of her, because she hurt him the night before. And even then he came back for her, as he always had. Heran sniffed, her face contorting in pain as she tried not to break down

Heran : I'm sorry.

Hongjoong stood up from where he was sitting, mumbling a no as he crashed into heran's arms, his hand placing heran's head against his chest as he wrapped the other arm around her. Heran felt her walls slowly shattering as she said

Heran : I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for being this way, I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble-

Hongjoong : don't you fucking dare, heran. None of this, is your fault. You're perfect to me just the way you are and I only need you by my side.

Heran cried into his chest, her shaky arms wrapping itself around hongjoong's waist. Hongjoong kissed the side of heran's head with teary eyes and whispered softly

Hongjoong : you're going to be fine, I won't let anything happen to you from now.

_____________________________

5 years later :

Heran was sitting in the sofa in her living room, going through the files of one of her patients as the sound of rain pattering against her glass walls brought her a sense of comfort. Her other sense of comfort, was probably in their room, sleeping his off day away. She should have too, but then again, she had always been a sort of workaholic.

She was wearing a sleeveless shirt now, her scars completely visible to her. But she was in peace with them, and she almost even found them beautiful. Because hongjoong had, because he had always told her she looked prettier with those scars on and it only showed how much of a strong woman she was.

And with time and loads of love, heran had finally come to peace with her past, and her mother who had died 4 years ago.

Heran looked up as she smiled at hongjoong skipping down the stairs to reach the living room, a small pout playing on his lips. There he was, sulky again. Hongjoong came up to her and snatched the file away from her before throwing it to the coffee table, placing his head on her lap instead as he snuggled closer towards her. Heran giggled and brought her hands to his hair, playing with it as hongjoong said

Hongjoong : focus on me now.

Heran : mhmm, and what were we doing last night?

Hongjoong : focusing on me.

Heran : and today morning?

Hongjoong : focusing on me.

Heran : and-

Hongjoong : focusing on me.

Heran giggled and leaned towards hongjoong, kissing his nose as it scrunched automatically. Heran smiled and whispered

Heran : such a baby, joong.

Hongjoong : come on! It's raining, raining means cuddling, not working.

Heran : I am a neurosurgeon, joong.

Hongjoong : and I am too, along with basically owning an entire hospital chain. But I'm still here anyway.

Heran smiled and leaned back against the sofa, looking out into the forest that surrounded her house

Heran : you are.

Hongjoong : sweetheart?

Heran looked at hongjoong and asked with a smile

Heran : yes, joongie?

Hongjoong stared at his girlfriend, thinking how on earth someone could look so beautiful and perfect. How someone could face so much, and still give so much to the people she loved.

Hongjoong : I love you.

Heran chuckled and said

Heran : I love you most.

Hongjoong sat up from her lap, placing his hand on her cheek as he kissed her, deep and passionate. Heran wrapped her arm around hongjoong's neck as he stood up and picked her up without breaking the kiss, making heran pull back with a yelp and laugh. Hongjoong walked up to their room with heran in his arms as he said

Hongjoong : let's focus on you now.

_________________________________

[youreobsessedwithtoomanyfandoms]

Don't Let Me Go (Part 3)

Words: 1660

Warnings: language, talk of alcohol/alcohol consumption, regret, Leon being a dick but for a kinda good reason, people may be mad at reader cause of what she does but whatever idc this is my fucking story, maybe ooc characters and probably bad writing

Resident Evil Masterlist Main Masterlist Join My Taglist

This also was originally written for my OC Tiffany (Whose info on her/original story will eventually be available on this account @imnotobsessedwfictionalchracters )

Leon and Hunnigan are PROBABLY OOC (as I suck at not being able to keep them from being OOC)

Actually find it fucking insane how long this thing is all together

This is it in multi-part form: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

This is it in one part form

Reader and Leon are partners with their job (have been since 2004/2005) and is insinuated to be around the same height as Leon

Not Proof-read and I think it can be seen every once and a while (I know you can see where my brain couldn't function how to write the scene so I just guessed and hoped for the best)

Can be read as its own story or as a sequel to You’re About To Lose The Best Damn Thing You’ve Ever Had

Losely has themes from the songs Never Say Never by The Fray, No Surprises by Radiohead, Afterglow by Taylor Swift, and Look After You by The Fray

Anywho, enjoy

Love Z <3

March 9th of 2009

Y/N's POV

Beeping. That was all she could hear. Her entire body was sore, feeling like she had been dropped from the top of a building. After a few moments of trying, she finally was able to open her eyes. But she instantly regretted it as the bright fluorescents welcomed her. She groaned as they tried to adjust to the brightness. She looked around and suddenly realized that she was in a hospital. That was the reason for the beeping as she realized how hooked up she was. 

Her throat felt dry and like something had been pulled from there. She moved her head to the side and let out a shocked gasp when she saw who was by her. She thought she had been dreaming. That the fever she knew she had from the infection that she knew had happened from the terrible keep of her cut had made her imagine he was there. That he had been the one to save her. 

She felt her hand move to reach out to him, but she dropped it when she heard the sound of the door opening. A lady, probably around her grams’s age, walked in. She had a soft smile on her face when she looked at Y/N and walked closer to her. Y/N watched as the lady began fiddling with one of the bags that she assumed was liquids to keep her from getting dehydrated. 

“You’re very lucky that boy got to you when he did.” The lady turned to her, “He’s a keeper, that one. He hasn’t left this hospital except for the one time me and another nurse forced him to get a hotel and sleep properly.”

“He’s just my partner--no, wait, he...I don’t know.” It hurt to speak, it felt like she hadn’t used her voice in years.

The lady raised a brow, “I doubt whatever he did will last long. You’ve been here a week and he’s had chances to go back to DC, but he’s stayed here.”

“Where is here? And what day is it?”

“You’re in Vancouver, it’s March 9th. Do you know the year?”

“2009?”

“Good, who’s your President?”

She genuinely had no idea. Graham had ended his Presidency a few months ago and she still had to learn the new guy's name. Only did she know the Vice-President. “I haven’t learned his name yet, but the Vice-President is Adam Benford, he used to be the CIA Director.”

“Hm, I guess that works.” The nurse chuckled, “You sure know a lot about him.”

She looked at Leon, “Yeah...the two of them are friends.”

“I should have expected that. Well sweetheart, we have you on a morphine drip to--”

“I-I can’t have morphine in large doses. It affects me worse than dilaudid.”

The lady took a look at her file and sighed, “Well I be damned, the nurse who did this completely ignored that it says no morphine.” She looked at Y/N, “I’m going let the head nurse know and we’ll get you switched onto, dilaudid you said? It works with no issue

“Yeah, every time it’s worked in the past it's been with no issues.”

“Alright.” She wrote something down, “I’ll be back in a few.”

Y/N nodded as that lady walked out of the room. Her eyes went back to Leon, who was still asleep in the chair, but she noticed how one of his hands was sitting on top of the bed, like he had been holding hers while she was out.  She gently took it in hers and brushed her thumb over the top. She wondered if Hunnigan ever found a loophole for them to work. If she ever found a way that she could use to show Leon they could have worked.

She watched as he stirred, his eyes slowly opening and blinking to adjust to the bright lights. He groaned before looking at her and she watched as he straightened up and took her hand in his own. She watched as his usual emotionless face turned to one full of emotions.

She gave him a soft smile, “Hey Lee.”

He moved the chair to be closer before he ran a hand over her, moving hair from her face. “Hey beauti--Y/N/N.”

She moved her hand to go back to rubbing the top of his, “You can call me beautiful. You got me out of there after all.”

“You scared me, y’know? I thought I had lost you there and I wouldn’t be able to tell you how sorry I--”

“Don’t, please. Just...just don’t. I don’t want to think about that. You’re here, that's what matters. That shows that you really care, even if you can be annoying about showing it.”

He gave a small smile, “Yeah, but I really am sorry for not...talking to you. It was fucking Stacey who walked in and he threatened to expose us. I just didn’t want your life to get fucked over.”

“Why would mine?”

He sighed, “Hunnigan said that unfortunately, STRATCOM would rather lose you than me. So if they had found out, they would have displaced you. Put you in another department or place you with one of the other offices. But we wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore.”

“And you were scared I would argue and say it was nothing.”

“Yep.”

She looked over to the other side, “I hate when you’re right.”

She heard him chuckle, “It’s a rare feat, but one that can happen.” She looked back at him and smiled, but the smile fell as she began to think. “What’s wrong?”

“Why did you call for a new partner?”

He let out a big sigh, “Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing your broken face everyday. Be right by you, pretending to be a supportive friend while you move on.”

She scoffed, “Yeah, me moving on would’ve taken a lot. Trust me. I even asked Hunnigan to find loopholes in the rules for us to be together.” She sighed, “I guess she never found one cause she never told me.”

He laughed awkwardly and she raised an eyebrow, “Well...that’s not necessarily true.”

“What?”

“She found the loophole after you went dark.”

“And she told you?”

“So I might have come in drunk one day, felt bad because I did that because I drove drunk, and asked her to drive me back to my apartment. It was like I could hear you in my head getting mad, not because I showed up drunk, but because I drove drunk. So while she was taking me to my place, I might have spilt that I fucking hated what I did to you and wished that there was some fucking way for us to work and she might have told me the way it could. The small loophole that you asked her to go looking for.”

“What is it?”

“A lifetime commitment that we both said we weren’t ready for.”

“Kids?”

He snorted, “No. Not that.” He moved and dug in his pocket before handing her a small dark blue velvet box. She felt her heart in her throat. “Yeah...that’s the commitment.”

She opened the box to see the ring. It was simple, not over the top. Two diamonds with a sapphire in the middle on a silver band. She let out a shaky breath before looking at him, “When did you get this?”

“Um...a while ago actually. Last summer, I believe.”

She laughed slightly, “That was why you asked me what my ring size was.”

He laughed as well, “Yeah, I expected you to catch on.”

“But...that was before we talked about marriage.” She looked at him, “That was why you asked me, wasn’t it?”

He shrugged, “I realized that I would rather have a possible answer than make you uncomfortable.”

She smiled and for some reason, she leaned over to him and kissed his lips softly. “Why don’t you ask me now.”

“What?”

Her voice was soft, “Just ask that four word question.” She brushed some hair out of his face, “My answer won’t be dependent on it being the only way for us to be together and work together.”

He smiled, “Y/F/N, will you marry me?”

She smiled, “Yes.” She kissed him again, “Y’know, I would have said yes if you had asked me at Christmas.”

“Really?”

She nodded, “Mhm, that was around the time that I realized that even though marriage is a big commitment and we both have our issues with commitment, I was sure I would be able to fully stay with you. Was it partly because you’re the only guy I’ve ever been with that can handle me when my brain can’t function so I just shut down? Possibly. But it also had to do with the fact I can’t see myself with anyone else but you and every time I imagine a future, you’re always there.”

Now it was his turn to brush hair from her face, “So we could have avoided these past few months if I had just looked at the handbook for a loophole?”

She nodded, “Yep. But that doesn’t make me love you any less.”

He laughed, “Good.”

She closed the box and handed it back to him, “Hold onto it for me until we head back to DC.”

He took it and placed it back in his pocket, “I love you, you know that right?”

“I questioned it for a while, but yes, now I do.”

He laughed, “Good.”

They were silent for a few minutes until she looked him dead in the eye, “Can you promise me one thing, Leon?”

“What is it?”

“Never let me go, please? Promise me if you ever start to get insecure with anything in our relationship that you will tell me and we work on it.”

He smiled and kissed the top of her hand, “I promise.”

She smiled, “Good.”

[k-s-morgan]

Hi, Katrin! I hope you and your family are in good health. We haven't heard from you in a long time, and I'm worried.

Other asks: 

Katrin, give some sign of life please, I beg you, I'm getting sick with worry 😭 

hi, i haven’t seen you on here in a few days and i hope you’re safe and ok! 💛💛

Hi queen, I hope you are ok!!!

Katrin tell me you're ok please😭😭

Are you safe? You didn’t post anything this week, so I’m a little worried.

-----------------------------------

Hello! Ooh, thank you all so much for thinking and worrying about me! It was such a touching surprise when I opened my Tumblr. 

I’m doing okay. Ruzzians bombed us twice on the New Year and then again on January 1. I took the afternoon bombing of the 31st really hard: there were over ten explosions somewhere in the vicinity, I lost hours of time I needed to clean up my room and add New Year decorations, and I felt at the end of my rope in general. Just, everything finally caught up with me, so I just burst into tears and spent almost the entire air raid crying. 

But I felt invigorated after it, so the next bombings didn’t affect me much. I still managed to complete tidying up my room and have a great celebration with my family. The next day, we visited friends nearby, which is our yearly tradition, and had lots of fun. 

When there were explosions on the New Year night, my fellow citizens sang our anthem, screamed in support of our military and cursed Putin right through the windows :D You can see one example here - the song mixed with the explosion.

Ruzzian terrorists didn’t manage to steal our electricity during the holidays, so we spent them normally - minus the bombings, of course. I’m so proud of our people.

I finally reunited with my Dad properly! Which is why I haven’t been online. Almost a year  passed since we really spent time together, and now I went to him at last and we’ve been having some wonderful days (together with our cat Tom). This is a wonderful gift.

Oh, and I got a new pigeon. I managed to capture it right on the New Year day. It’s a poor baby with a seriously damaged leg, pneumonia, and a disfigured beak. But she’s doing more or less ok, and I hope she’ll make full recovery. 

Thank you all so much for supporting me and sending me so many wonderful words! They breathe strength into me like few other things do. I hope all of you who celebrated New Year had a great day, and that the euphoria from celebrations hasn’t faded entirely yet! 

[new-and-disturbed-theorist]

Songs That I’d Love To See In Just Dance: Hispanic Edition

So, I’ve always wanted to make a post like this just bc I want to share songs that people may not have heard about and my ideas for what their maps could be like.

This list will only touch on Hispanic songs (aka songs in Spanish) but if you’d like a list with songs in other languages (that I know of), let me know. Also, tell me about your favorite Hispanic songs that you’d love to see in Just Dance!

Rosa Pastel by Belanova

I don’t have a clear idea for this song, but this is one of my favorites. Such a bop and the dresses in the music video are amazing.

Me Colé en una Fiesta by Mecano

Honestly, there are so many Mecano songs that have the juice to be in Just Dance. This is only one of the songs I thought of. I imagine a coach with the most saturated, exaggerated 80s look out there.

Another good contender from Mecano? No es Serio este Cementerio. A great song for a silly Halloween themed map.

Torero by Chayanne

Another classic, and sad that this hasn’t been considered. Can you imagine the possibilities for this map? You could go for a hot coach with the classic Chayanne black top and jeans from the original music video, or you could go all out silly and have an actual bullfighter like those at the Carmen Overture.

La dama del mar by Mägo de Oz

LESBIAN PIRATE FALLS FOR SIREN! Need I say more?

Las Divinas from Patito Feo

Listen, if Just Dance can put a Violeta song on their games, they can put this classic of a song as well! A song so iconic, from one of the biggest telenovelas ever made, that it has its own choreography. Put this map on JD High or Woodcrown and have a trio of mean girls give the sassiest moves to ever touch the Danceverses.

Y Yo Sigo Aquí by Paulina Rubio

I feature this song bc Ørion made an amazing fanmade mashup with this song and I think this is such an amazing idea. The beat is high and it gives such Sun Horizon vibes.

Amor Prohibido by Selena

How is the ICON Selena still not in the games? She has such memorable bangers like El Chico del Apartamento 512 and Bim Bim Bom Bom. An unforgettable legend like her should be in these games, especially since I feel like these would fit in a Wasterra setting, a Danceverse that is unfortunately underutilized.

Puntería by Shakira, Karol G

I add this one bc it’s a modern hit by a beloved member of the series that should make her comeback, and I am of the opinion that when she does, she should come back to JD with one of her many Hispanic bangers like this one, Monotonía, Session 53, TQG, and that’s without talking about her many classic hits that haven’t been featured in the games yet. All this to say, please bring her back (I BEG!)

I’ve reached the limit of audios that I can put on this post, so I’m gonna stop right here (I also had to redo half of this post bc it didn’t save properly). If you have any more ideas for songs or if you’d like me to do something like this again, tell me. I’d love to hear y’alls thoughts!

[hunieday]

Yuki – 16 IDOL ALBUM RabbiTV (part 2)

PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3

Please note that I am not a professional translator and I'm only doing this to share the side materials to those who cannot access it, if you notice any mistakes please let me know nicely. Enjoy!

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] ...This is the first time I've heard this record. I wonder if Father bought it recently.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] It’s pleasant to the ear, what a good song.

Performer: You're listening very attentively, huh? you’re just like him.

Orikasa Yukito: ah, Uncle.

Performer: Long time no see, Yukito-kun. You’ve been active as this place’s poster child lately, haven’t you?

Orikasa Yukito: Poster child?

Performer: Customers come just to see you, Yukito-kun. Lately, you seem to have a reputation in the neighborhood for being cute.

Performer: I've heard that all the housewives who live around here come over in the afternoon for tea time.

Orikasa Yukito: Come to think of it, a lot of our customers are women.

Orikasa Yukito: I get praised for being a good boy at the club. They say that It's great to be able to stay still at my age.

Orikasa Yukito: … is it really that big of a deal?

Performer: Haha. Well, a boy of Yukito-kun's age would want to go to the park, play with their toys, etc. They’re a lot more turbulent!

Performer: In a club where such quiet music plays constantly, I can’t see myself staying here for hours without doing anything.

Yukito’s dad: .... If you just came here to talk nonsense, go home.

Performer: Ah, if you were nearby, you should’ve come and served your customers earlier. Were you fiddling with the new record in the background again?

Yukito’s dad: Our customers don't need to be interfered with.

Performer: The same as always… aren't there a lot fewer customers today, though?

Orikasa Yukito: Because my father told the women to go home.

Performer: What?!

Orikasa Yukito: I hope they don’t come back. They’re annoying.

Performer: Are those housewives after Yukito-kun?! Why did you turn them away!

Orikasa Yukito: I couldn’t listen to the music properly because they were annoying.

Performer: Even so, they’re still customers, right? what a waste… 

Yukito’s dad: what are you talking about, man? This is a jazz club.

Yukito’s dad: I don't want customers who are not interested in music.

Performer: ..well, that is something you’d say.

Performer: Yukito-kun, you must be struggling, having a father with such strong traits.

Orikasa Yukito: I'd also rather listen to music than talk to women.

Performer: Ah... Already at this age, you're making women cry.

Orikasa Yukito: Making women cry…?

Yukito’s dad: Do not instill unnecessary knowledge on him.

Performer: Hahaha, my bad. Still, I can't believe he likes music at his age. As expected of your son.

Performer: Your guitar skills are promising, too. Have you improved since then, Yukito-kun?

Orikasa Yukito: Mhm. A little bit.

Yukito’s dad: Did you teach him?

Performer: That's right. If anything, why didn't you teach him yourself up until now? This kid has talent. He has good instincts. He has good sense.

Performer: He was only making sounds as he pleased, but he was creating some pretty pleasant melodies.

Performer: I guess he cultivated that sensibility at the club, it was a sound that a child of this age normally would not produce. I'm sure he will become a good composer.

Performer: It’s been a long time since I last enjoyed teaching.

Orikasa Yukito: I also enjoyed playing the guitar with you, uncle. Teach me again.

Orikasa Yukito: I want to play more. I want to make various sounds.

Performer: Ah! of course. Yukito-kun prefers musical instruments to toys, huh.

Performer: I'll be back next time with some new records. I've stocked up on just the right stuff for beginners.

Yukito’s dad: What happened to that new record I asked for?

Performer: Oh, come on, you're a scandalous guy. Putting your own new record before your son's musicality?

Performer: I brought it properly. Here you go.

Performer: It’s from an obscure performer, It was quite a painstaking task to get the CD since they only produced 1,000 copies.

Yukito’s dad: Ahh, I'm glad I asked you. Eat whatever you want today.

Performer: Good grief, you really are a self-interested guy. Allow me then… hm?

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] Ah, the preparation for the performance has started. It's that woman today.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I'm looking forward to it…

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I wonder if I will be able to hear that sound again.

Performer: So it's her piano performance today, huh. I came at a good time.

Performance: I think I'll go greet her before the performance. I'll be out of my seat.

Yukito’s dad: Ahh, don’t get in her way.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I wonder if uncle also likes that person's piano.

Yukito’s dad: what are you laughing at?

Orikasa Yukito: I was…laughing?

Yukito’s dad: Are you looking forward to that pianist's performance?

Orikasa Yukito: mhm…I like listening to her piano.It sounds like the melody is dancing.

Orikasa Yukito: I want to listen to it all the time. Even when I go to bed, when I close my eyes, I remember it.

Yukito’s dad:... I understand what you mean.

Orikasa Yukito: you too, Father?

Yukito’s dad: Yeah, it sounds very good. She's a skilled pianist.

Yukito’s dad: If you want to play music too, you should listen to it carefully.

Orikasa Yukito: Mm. I understand.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I will listen to it a lot and remember it again. Before I go to bed, I’ll close my eyes.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] ...and with that pleasant melody, I will fall asleep.

[End of episode 2.]

[thehistoriangirl]

The Never-Changing Things

I was supposed to write another thing, but this came out instead :D Hope you like it

Mel x gn!Reader--------1.6K-------SFW

Summary: You’re a musician under the clan Medarda’s wing, and while you haven’t touched the piano in a long time, you and Mel discover that there are some things that would never change regarding you two, no matter how much time has passed.

Tags: Light Angst, mostly Fluff| Mentions of one parent’s death (with no details)| Kinda domestic fluff (?)| Winter-y scenery

It has been a cold week, misty-stained the large windows dripping little tears made by the condensate water allowed you to see the city below. Between each melody of the piano, you heard the crackle of the hearth in the living room at your back.

Outside, blue roofs were filled with snow, mixing the buildings with their marble walls in an amorph, gigantic beast. Only the uneven little towers of the chimneys could be seen, slow, grey serpents ascending out of them.

Your fingers were warming up with each repetitive movement as you played the keys on the piano. The echo of each melody reverberating in the empty chamber like a ghost seconds after you stopped.

Mel told you the piano was there waiting for you to teach her—it was one of the many things Ambessa Medarda decided not to teach her in exchange for a more suitable activity.

You didn't dare to tell her that you barely remember the last time you have been sitting in front of a piano, the image of your mother teaching you diligently every afternoon even after she returned home exhausted being so hazy as Piltover’s view from the windows.

It had been so long, but your fingers moved with a memory of their own, your head nodding slightly as each note hit a correct harmony in the sequence of each little song you could recall.

Playing the piano wasn't a common activity to train your kid into, at least not inside Noxus, where other avocations were more useful, like languages, paleography, or even strategic games like chess. Only certain families—the ones already recognized to incline towards the arts—would do so. They were the background music inside the fancy parties organized by the wealthy clans and families.

No more utility than to maintain façades, but just as other props as expensive clothes, dignified portraits, or well-maintained gardens, these people would receive any collateral damage made to their patrons.

Your fingers got stuck in a loop of the last memory you could remember, an incomplete song your mother was teaching you a couple of days before her death. You frowned because the melody cut off abruptly every time you played it, the end always remain unfinished.

You pressed the last key in ripples, not hearing Mel´s heels muffled by the large carpets that were put since autumn when the house became much colder.

She cleared her throat, and you let the echo of the piano disappear before half-turning. Mel wasn’t wearing any coat, and her hair was down.

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”

She sat on the couch closer to the piano, shaking her head slowly. "Don't worry, darling. I was working."

You frowned. “That’s not good. You should’ve been resting.” You sat back at your usual position, with your back toward her, and began to play again. “I remember you couldn’t sleep properly last night. I heard you.”

Mel sighed, and you had to hide your smile. “The doctor said it’s normal to have lingering coughs.”

“And? You shouldn’t wander around without a sweater unless you want to get the flu again.”

She stood up, taking the coat you had lay next to you. “If you don’t mind, I’ll take this one then.”

Back on the couch, she crossed her legs, the gold in her armor shining as if it were molten against the everchanging flames Mel sat across from. A yellowish art notebook sat on her lap as she flipped the pages filled with doodles in dark charcoal.

Mel had always written with so much force pressed into the papers, and you weren’t surprised her drawings followed the same principle.

“What are you doing?”

She chuckled, pencil already sliding graciously across the page. "What does it look like I'm doing, dear?"

You tilted your head, soft notes on repeat. Unconsciously you’d been changed the incomplete melody to what you remember was Mel’s favorite tune.

She noticed, smiling softly. “You still remember it.”

Your lips mimicked her smile as you observed your fingers move in synchronized moves, showing the tendons with each motion that resembled the piano’s insides. You felt like an instrument, then.

Outside, the wind began to howl. Night was falling quickly, the whole room was painted red and orange.

“When we were little, you’d escape after your lessons to hear me practice the same songs on repeat for hours.” You could hear the scraped paper; her breathing came with uneven little coughs she tried to hide as she crossed her legs to have her body completely covered by your coat. “I would never know how you didn’t get bored.”

You looked at her from the corner of your eyes. Her eyebrows pinched together in focus, lips forming a pout. It was the same expression back then.

“The music room was built to impress the guests while hosting parties," she said in a low tone. "That's why its windows were from roof to floor, framing the main garden. But…" Mel stopped, tapping the pencil against the notebook's spine. "It was also designed so beautifully that the musician could compose music efficiently. You can't fake inspiration like that if you want joyful, regal music."

"That's why it inspired you too, isn't it?" You kept her first drawing of you tucked somewhere inside your vanity, in the broken music box your parents gifted you on your twelfth birthday.

It was simple, and each time that Mel saw it you could see she got all flustered. Eyes averting yours, fingers fidgeting the Medarda’s ring. The charcoal was fading away, the paper crumbling apart, all as a result of not being made with specialized tools. But she tried, and you’ll always cherish that.

“When I was there, I could imagine I was somewhere else,” Mel muttered, and you stopped mid-song. She frowned, looking at you as you gazed at her. “What’s the matter?”

“If you’d ever have the chance, would you rather be a painter?” Because by choice, you wouldn’t have chosen to be a musician. You wanted to be useful to her outside playing for her in the spare time that each day was getting thinner, or to be praised by meaningless faces in each fundraiser she hosted. You didn't want to be only a pretty thing used as a mere decoration, even if for Mel you were more than that.

She contemplated the idea, looking at you and the flames of the hearth. "Probably not. I don't know. I can't imagine myself being something else than what I am now." Mel pressed her lips, nose crunching. "It's pointless."

You nodded, because she was right, as always. Those hypothetical scenarios stole you from sleep some nights, and now you knew that perhaps Mel suffered from them, too.

"But no. Even if I could rethink my choices, I would take them all the same. Because if I weren't me, I wouldn't have the opportunity to know you."

You smiled, heart fluttering. “Maybe we would be a musician and a painter working for the same clan.”

She tilted her head, taking away locks of black, curly hair that covered her eyes. They pop out from behind her ear too fast, it was both cute and funny.

"In that case, I'd be jealous of you playing the piano for someone else."

“Oh. But it will be remedied easily. I'll just play for you alone when the patrons weren't home."

Mel chuckled, gazing back at her drawing. "I don't think we only deserve stolen moments with each other."

Your fingers, now warm and familiar with the piano were flying from key to key, the same river of melodies flowing on repeat as you nodded to her. “No, we don’t,” you muttered.

“Can you keep playing the one you’re playing?” she said after a couple of minutes.

“Of course.” So you did.

Looking out at the windows, you saw the streetlights shining between the navy blue of the snow reflecting the nocturnal sky, sometimes you could see your reflection when the flames took force and outshined the outside. You looked happy, a soft, almost secretive smile playing on your lips as you gazed at Mel's image, head tilted against one armrest, notebook hugged to her chest, eyes closed.

You repeated the song one last time, much slower, soothing her in a lullaby until your fingers itched with the impulse of covering her with a blanket. The echo of last note echoed in the room as you stopped, quietly tiptoeing toward her room to retrieve a blanket.

The couch was big enough for two people, comfortably sitting next to hers as you unfolded the blanket and covered both, taking your coat from her firm grasp just as well as the notebook.

Checking the charcoal, you noticed an almost identical copy of her first drawing. Where before the piano almost swallowed you, now you stood with the back straight taller than it, your face tilted toward her in a confident little smile.

You tilted your body to kiss her forehead, muttering: “I love you, Mel.”

She blinked with dormant eyes, smiling. "Come here to rest for a moment. I'm cold." You rest next to her, your head resting against her chest as the steady rhythm of her heart accompanied by the cracking fire lulled you to sleep.

It wouldn't have surprised you, that just some months after, in a fundraiser, you saw a full-color painting of that same drawing, almost covering one wall. Your dark clothes absorbed the red lights of the fire at your right, while your smiling face was bathed in silver moonlight. Outside, the world was a reign of white and blue, where you were the center of it all.