#I just wish people talked about how complicated disabled relationships are

[invisiblerhythmcat]

ugh, of course I accidentally stumbled onto something my partner wrote about how fucked up things are for them

and it's so hard to not have that deeply gnawing guilt that I'm a horrible person for abandoning them and that I'm the cause of one of their complete brain melts

so, just, going to publicly remind myself that I didn't abandon them - I'm still keeping track of certain things for them and am very prepared to jump in if there's any reason to fear that will not be housed or fed

also, them suffering does not mean I have to suffer too.

we were in a completely untenable situation in which I was basically torturing myself in order to take care of them and that wasn't good for either of us. yes, it's not good that I had to step back. and yes, it's unfair that I have been able to start building the life I want and they have not, but that is not my fault.

I am too fucked up to be a caretaker for more than one person and I made myself incredibly sick taking care of them but not me

this is a product of society fucking disabled people over. They should have all this support without needing to rely on family and partners. I should also have support as a disabled person. I should also have had support as a caretaker. Instead, the third person who was supposed to be my support was actively making things worse

and, no matter how fucked up they are, I am allowed to hurt. They did and said incredibly hurtful things. Maybe it was just because their brain is a mess and they can't always control it, but it still hurt and I'm allowed to hurt.

The one time this happened and I asked for an apology (because I was hurting), they refused because it wasn't their fault because their brain is just weird sometimes. I'm allowed to be angry about that. I'm allowed to be angry that they never acknowledged my hurt, even if I understand that it came from a place of desperation and fear.

It was supposed to be for only a month and a half. I hung on for over two years. That's not abandonment. That's not being a horrible ableist who refuses to take care of their partner. That's a really dedicated, committed person who accepted a huge amount of harm with no support trying to keep a person alive and happy at all costs.

Like, it really fucking sucks that it's like this now. They don't fucking deserve any of this. But I didn't either and I fucking tried my best to give them everything they deserved.

[zebulontheplanet]

As a higher support needs person, I don’t think people realize just how fucking disconnected I feel from the community. I feel really REALLY disconnected from the community. From people not even thinking higher support needs exist, to leaving us out of conversations, to speaking over and even for us, to just generally not being able to relate to most of the people that I meet online with autism.

It’s disheartening. It’s lonely. It’s not fun. Being able to relate creates community. That’s what community is about! Being able to relate and in turn building a relationship. When you aren’t able to relate then what makes you? It makes you feel like you aren’t apart of the community that was specifically built on higher support needs people.

As an autistic with an intellectual disability, this just makes things MORE complicated and makes me feel MORE disconnected. It’s no one’s fault really, although I wish more then anything that low support needs, late diagnosed, people stepped to the side a bit and let us talk, I do not know if that will ever happen.

Tumblr has been one of the first platforms that I’ve seen that actually has higher support needs people that can talk about things. It’s one of the first platforms I’ve been on where we’re actually taken semi seriously. And it’s awesome! That doesn’t mean that we don’t run into our fair share of ableism, or that low support needs people on this app aren’t still centered because that’s how the algorithm works, but it means that we still are here and our voices are slowly being heard.

Being the person online that constantly feels like they have to educate is EXHAUSTING. having to go into discord servers or twitter, or Reddit, or whatever and immediately having to educate because people don’t know or haven’t tried to know, is utterly exhausting and it shouldn’t be the norm. Me having to daily tell people about higher support needs people is frustrating because over 30% of us are higher support needs. Thats a lot!! People should at least know a little about us but they don't! and it sucks! That’s just the reality of today and I wish it wasn’t.

Not having a community that center’s marginalized people suck. Not having a community that even knows about your existence sucks. Not having a community that acknowledges and embraced comorbities sucks. But I will still work everyday to try and get the community to where I think it should be.

[socte-blue]

i HATE when people (especially other mentally disabled people) say that this mentally disabled person’s existing is giving them a bad rap.

Often it’s not that clear, but a good example of this that I’ve seen multiple times that I just despise is people saying not to say “autistic people often have a complicated relationship with gender” because it’s “mocking”

How the fuck does my existence “mock” yours?

Or even people say the same things about stimboards! Im sorry, MY way of stimming is “infantilizing” to you?

Just because someone’s experiences are different than yours, fit into stereotypes, seem “silly”, does not mean they are wrong. I am so tired of ableism like this FROM other disabled people!!!

Heck, Even things like being positive or semi-positive about your disability!! This is our life, and our experiences, we can talk about them as we wish.

Im xenogender largely because of my autism. I enjoy stimboard’s because of my autism. I lisp partly because of my autism. I handflap and often don’t understand sarcasm because of my autism. Suck it up. It’s really fucked up seeing this in internalized ableism from other autistic people. My experiences can be different than yours and still exist and be completely valid.

If you don’t want to interact with people for using tone indicators, don’t like when people are actually affected by their disability, don’t believe autism can affect gender understanding, empathy, concentration, etc., if you don’t like people that enjoy stimboard’s, if you don’t like people that cry or make a fuss or age regress, or are simply affected by the disability in a way that you are not, FUCK right off and check yourself my dude.

[clandestinegardenias]

Stole this book ask thing I saw @ruinconstellation reblog (p.s. tag you're it!) cause I love talking about books.

1) Last book I read:

Days Without End by Sebastian Barry. Stunningly lyrical prose, especially the descriptions of the early US landscape. Also a nuanced, complex, and difficult read about American immigrants, indigenous peoples, the way forces beyond their control pitted them against each other and the moments of love that shine through regardless. The main character is queer in a way that is very simple and natural, which I enjoyed as well. Definitely a hard read with no heroes and a lot of villains, but well worth it.

2) A book I recommend:

Easy Beauty by Chloe Cooper Jones.

Y'all. READ THIS BOOK. An intimate portrait of what it's like to live with a severe and very visible physical disability. Cooper Jones has a PhD in philosophy and is interested in how we conceive of beauty, and what that means for someone who's body will never be considered conventionally beautiful. However, it's written more like a memoir, and is super accessible and imminently readable.

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

The Wager by David Grann. Great real life shipwreck story, including a bunch of excerpts from the diary of famous poet John Keats' uncle, who was one of the shipwrecked men. What really, really got to me in this one was the division into factions and the various reactions to offered help from the indigenous people.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more)

Migrations by Charlotte McConaghy. Wanderlust, ecological grief, complicated romantic relationships, and a protagonist who can't stop leaving but loves so hard she's willing to die for it. Plus, boats! Scientific research, sort of! Found family! This book was like reading my own soul.

5) A book on my TBR

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. I've been meaning to read it and just picked it up at an estate sale!

6) A book I’ve put down

Paladin of Souls by Lois McMaster Bujold. I read The Curse of Chalion and loved it, but this one just didn't grab me the same way. Maybe it wasn't the right time.

7) A book on my wish list

Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys. I've wanted to read it for ages but just haven't gotten around to it.

8) A favourite book from childhood

Crown Duel by Sherwood Smith. I read it so much my copy it's basically disintegrating. I really resonated with the complexity of Mel-- a young woman who is very practical and unimpressed by fanciness/politics but who comes to understand and value these things, and the people who use them, without losing herself.

9) A book you would give a friend

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. Really interesting take on what a flu pandemic that wipes out 99% of the world's population would leave behind, with a focus on the importance of art. I'd have them read it and then FORCE them to watch the TV series of the same name, because I am DESPERATE to talk to someone about the changes they made (which I absolutely LOVVVVEEE)

10) The most books you own by a single author

Probably Tamora Pierce?

11) A nonfiction book you own

LOTS but I'm gonna say Kon Tiki by Thor Heyerdahl. One of my very first true adventure books and so near and dear to my heart. Those guys really did float on a raft from Peru to Tahiti! For science!

12) what are you currently reading

Just started Lucky Red by Claudia Cravens. I'm a ho for queer westerns.

13) what are you planning on reading next?

I have a couple possibilities on deck, so it just depends on what grabs me (or what comes in from my library holds first). Wavewalker by Suzanne Heywood is by next hold on Libby--I'm fascinated by memoirs about what looked like a charmed life from the outside but was in reality anything but.

[bluedalahorse]

Complicated queer media feelings beneath the cut…

Is anyone else feeling… I dunno… complicated about the part where we have Heartstopper, Red White and Royal Blue, and likely more YRS3 promo happening all in the same month?

I find a kind of enjoyment in each of these, so on one hand, I’m happy about it! (YR is my dearest fandom love right now about which I have many deep feelings, Heartstopper brings me joy and is what I’d watch with my middle school kids if I had kids, and RWRB is more on the “fun popcorn media” side of things for me but also has a lot of government humor that I laugh at as a person living in DC who gets subjected to motorcades etc.)

And I also think it’s awesome that queer rep has come a long way since when I was in high school, and there was only kinda Will and Grace and Willow on Buffy and you barely heard about some kids watching Queer as Folk if they were lucky enough to have HBO and parents who weren’t weird about it.

And and at the same time I know I’m going to be looking at my dash like, huh, that is a lot of mlm romance kissing between photogenic cis men.

Which. Again. Is progress? But also I’m a not-skinny aroace homosocial queer who is very interested in the stories of women and nonbinary people as well, and stories about friendship as well as relationships that reject traditional definitions. I want sweet romantic moments in my stories and decent makeout scenes but I also want stories about how queerness can challenge capitalism and hegemony and how we can create new families of choice and so on.

And for some of the texts I’m talking about, the canon definitely delivers? Things feel balanced? YR explores the class system with so much skill, and makes me ask powerful questions about justice and identity and such. It also has incredible female characters, including Sara as B Plot Protagonist driving a significant part of the story. (I wish I could find more fanfic from female characters’ POVs. I wish there were just as many “can’t wait until they get their happy endgame” posts about the Sara-Felice friendship as there were about the Wilmon romance, and I adore the Wilmon romance. I just love everything else about the show alongside it, and sometimes I find myself desperately craving discussion about the other aspects of the show while not knowing how to find ways of engaging about it.)

Heartstopper—I love how a multiqueer friends group is so centered in the story. Nick and Charlie are the main characters but Charlie’s friendship with Tao matters as much in the first season as his romance with Nick. I love how the show chose to have Elle carry a significant subplot in season 1 (although they could do better with that) and I am hopeful that we’ll get an ace discovery story for Isaac in season 2 and I’m looking forward to seeing more Imogen and we get a new disabled character and we’ll also get Tara and Darcy being Tara and Darcy! I don’t really follow people for Heartstopper necessarily, because it’s not really something I analyze or write fic for, but, you know, there’s a lot of it that goes around and I have generally positive feelings about it. I’m curious about what parts of the show and what characters people will choose to focus on.

RWRB… well, it’s been a long time since I’ve read the book, but I’m sort of holding off on comments until I see what’s different between the book and the movie.

Long story short I think I’m going to feel great about these various mlm pairings individually, because they’re all distinct personalities with stories and such, but I’m going to be feeling kind of weird and overwhelmed about the attention and gif visibility and squeeing that mlm romances between photogenic cis men get in aggregate.

But also also. Maybe that’s on me for not being into something like Yellowjackets fandom or not spending more time browsing the tag for XO Kitty. So the problem could also be me. I mean who knowsss?????

[vizthedatum]

Omg I didn’t even post on here that I got my first T shot today!!

Maybe I’m hypersensitive or just very imaginative… but my body already feels more at ease.

—

Today was a rough day though. I advocated for one of my friends at their health appointment (and I was happy to, this was needed). I just couldn’t hold in my dismay at the whole entire healthcare system in this country.

My friend is disabled physically and mentally. It’s been a challenge all around. They’re homeless, and it seems like so many institutions have just let them down, despite them trying.

All of this has downstream consequences on my friend. It worsens their state.

And who’s left to pick up the pieces? It’s either them or their friends/family.

And where can we get help with care coordination? There are resources but they’re all strained or somewhat conditional.

And I rant about this to my therapist all the time: mutual aid is great but sometimes the needs are too much for any one person or social support network. What happens then??

Well I’ll tell you what happens: people fall through the cracks and it gets harder for them to climb out of their predicaments.

—

Sigh.

I love where my life is going.

Why can’t I bring everyone up with me? Why?? WHY?

I tried my best today. We have a care plan going… and I’m putting in more energy than I may afford. I’m trying to hold myself more accountable to make sure I don’t drain myself like last month.

I love myself, but I refuse to see people I care about suffer like this. I know they have to also be willing to put in the work - I know this. But when the systems are rigged like this… it’s hard.

But we have a plan.

And I’m severely optimistic. Maybe it’s the T and euphoria… but maybe it’s just me allowing myself to truly put myself and my values at the forefront. I have been way more communicative with my friend in need and everyone else. I don’t want to compromise on this effort - I want to give her a fighting chance, with both of our consent.

And I want us to live our lives. Yes, I know she might undo everything I’m doing or make mistakes…. fine! It’s life! After all I’m one to talk - look at the people I’ve been in long-term relationships with and how I fucking let them treat me. Look at how long I waited to start HRT (meanwhile my friend is 22 and has been on it for 2 years already (I’m 34)).

—

I’ve put in a lot of effort in navigating the healthcare system largely alone. And I work in healthcare.

She doesn’t need to suffer through that to get baseline care and support.

I wish someone would have done this for me. So I’m doing it for her, purposely - and all I’m doing is just making sure the right people and systems are informed and coordinated. That the right information gets communicated. That her concerns are taken seriously instead of being dismissed (I’ve read some pretty disappointing and DISGUSTING medical notes in her chart).

—

Lives shouldn’t be more complicated than it needs to be. I can help with that in this small way - it feels more important.

[a-bit-too-much-of-a-zelda-fan]

For autism awareness month, I’ll be talking about my autism. I have a complicated relationship with it. I’ll readily admit that it’s my autism that makes me a bit too much of a Zelda fan, a bit too much of a Pokémon fan, etc.. Whenever I get into a new thing, I go in neck deep and it consumes my thoughts. On the one hand, I get to micro analyze the thing and appreciate it for all its worth. On the other, I sometimes wish I could just like multiple things at once and give me other things to talk about when I’m with my friends, instead of turning to the internet and ranting into the void. I created this blog almost six years ago because at the time I only had one friend who also liked Zelda, and I knew it would be cruel to unload all my autistic Zelda ramblings on him. Same reason I made the Pokémon side blog.

Effective communication does not come easily for me. I’m sometimes unaware of the tone I’m speaking in, and I have very poor control over my facial expressions. Basically I can’t hide my emotions for shit, which can be bad in some scenarios. I miss some nonverbal cues. On the flip side, this has made me work incredibly hard to become an effective communicator. I know that if things are left unsaid, they may go uncommunicated. I know to say what I mean and clarify everything that needs to be. I hate that I over analyze everything I say and hear said to me, but oh well.

As a white, cishet man, I need to be aware of the power dynamics in my relationships. I need to be cognizant of the ways my words and actions can be perceived differently by women, minorities, and other people with whom there is some imbalance of power. I think this is how all people in my position should approach things, but for me and my autism, this is especially difficult. So I verbally acknowledge it with the person so they know I’m trying.

For example, a good friend of mine used to only know me as the author of Oops! All Links. He looked up to me as a writer and put me on a pedestal, which I understand and is completely natural as a parasocial relationship. He is also seven whole years younger than me. At the time, I was 21 and he was 14. When we started to DM and actually become friends, I told him explicitly that I recognized the power imbalance in our friendship, and he should feel absolutely no obligation to do anything that I say or ask of him, and to also tell me immediately if something I say or do makes him uncomfortable. I never had and still never do have any ill intent in this friendship, but the last thing I want is to unintentionally take advantage of him.

Sometimes, I wish things could be different. Compounded with my bipolar disorder and ADHD, my autism makes my life harder. My brain is crosswired and I need to work harder to achieve the things that I want than do neurotypical people. Getting through college has been an ordeal and it’s honestly a miracle that I’m almost finished with it. If I could do away with just the ways my autism my life worse, I would in a heartbeat.

My autism also makes me who I am, though. It defines my personality and the way I interact with the world. I wouldn’t be such an effective verbal communicator, I wouldn’t have the same passions, and I wouldn’t have the same relationships. It’s part of what makes me,,, me. And ya know what? I like me.

I still hate some things about myself. I hate the ways that my disabilities and disorders make my life harder. I sometimes wish I could just whisk it all away so I don’t have to struggle like I do. But there are some good things that come along with it. If I got to choose whether to get rid of the autism and everything it entails… I don’t know. I just don’t know if I would. But I don’t have that choice. For better or for worse, reality has already made the decision for me.

[kustas]

if you're still doing it top 5 relationships... can be romantic platonic family etc

I'll be assuming you mean among animanga characters!

whatever is going on between matrioshka and mister 5 protagonist of the manga that bears his name. a friend of mine who's better with words described them as simultaneously acting like old friends of several decades and like a couple on a honeymoon. they're clearly fond of each other yet by nature do not express it in ways that are socially normal, both being distant and rather asocial people in the middle of serious geopolitical bloody drama; but neither care about that and are fine just chilling and trust each other with infinite amounts of personal space. the concept of a normal (ish) human person in a mutual loving relationship with someone bearing a level of intelligence and perception that is so inhumanely high that their take on life is fundamentally unrelatable for other human beings is so so good. I don't have to wish them the best they got their happy ending fucking off in the moebius desert to raise a kid

custas and dagda 😢 cus describing their relationship is what got me to love both of them so much in the first place..."he's not my dad but he's family [...] He's a really great guy, he's too nice" vs dagda seeing him as his son because he taught him what he knew, but being surprised custas sees him as family regardless. very heartfelt and bittersweet. I do like found families and this one is a good example of a very loving one that does not fit in the mold of a nuclear family fandom is so obsessed about. they're both flawed people with a rocky relationship but who genuinely love each other so they don't mind those bumps in the road...

the kazukabes from dorohedoro. what did i just say about a human being and a greater form of consciousness being in love? but this time they're both retirement age and also huge freaks. the stage of romantic love where it's been so long it's mostly just commitment and lovingly held up routine that remain is my favorite but this is dorohedoro that we're talking about so they're batshit on top of it all. when he violently dies and she pulls out his dismembered hand to hold it to say she loves him? peak romance. when he talks about how she burns people in hell with fondness that freaks out his colleagues at the coffee break? peak romance. when he's all flustered bc she opened her back to hide him in her innards? peak r- you get it

it's hard to pick a favorite relationship in dungeon meshi because they're so well written, but i really like laios and farlyn's unspoken complicity in being siblings born to parents who did not give either a happy childhood; chilchuck immediately noticing and taking into his own disgruntled hands the teenage moody callousness of izutsumi and protecting her emotionally without overstepping her boundaries because goddamn that's a man who's raised four teenage daughters and knows what to do; kabru and rin being childhood friends who both survived similar traumatic events and grew up into an introverted stuck up discreet mess and a master of emotional manipulation with unmatched shrewdness for analyzing human behavior who yet is completely blind of how in love she is of him

the unique flavor of genuine love, codependency and mutual mental health issues ping-pong between black and white. white's little speech about their relationship defined as "i'm missing some screws but i got all the screws he needs" is one of my favorite scenes especially in the film. their relationship and its duality is a major focus of the story so i could go off for pages but it's interesting how one is mentally disabled yet very emotionally intelligent vs his brother being on the stupid side and so hellbent on protecting his brother it bends back into borderline ableism. every horror happens to them that my tragedy loving self can ram into walls about INCLUDING how their love for each other and dedication to a common goal that might doom them concludes the whole story. alexa play plaid - white's dream

[jack-kellys]

Charlie for the ask game??

YES YES yes. yes.

send me a fandom/ship/character and i’ll tell you some stuff!!

him him nothing but him miles and piles of him <3

How I feel about this character:

i’ll admit it. crutchie was not my main man in the past. he felt like a bit of a shoehorn based on the content i had, like ok of course they get rid of the disabled best friend for most of the show. like wtf. but i’ve evolved, i now am like ok that’s bad writing but it doesn’t make crutchie a bad character. and this is just. matthew duckett alone is a crutchie dissertation LMAO!! i LOVE CRUTCHIE!! i love his position with jack, i love his standings with the newsies, i love his resilience, his new more jaded take vs. the sunshine naive one of THE PAST (it’s of the past bc i personally killed it and stabbed it to death so that it would die. you’re welcome), he’s so sarcastic and dedicated to the strike and to jack. mans keeps his chin up and i am obsessed with him for it. he’s just SO COOL now like not only is he a good character he is genuinely a cool fucking character. fuck yeah. only took ten years (or. oh my god. thirty? 1992 is… thirty years ago?)

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

um! fuck it i’ll be controversial— i honestly have no issues with jackcrutchie! all the newsies call each other brothers through the whole show and this fandom ships them anyway, and the 15 year old crutchie is now. a myth. thank god. because a revival has happened that has purposefully not taken jackshit from bway and there’s no way they got matthew duckett playing a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD LMAOO.. so jackcrutchie is valid and their relationship is interesting and complicated w/ refuge stuff to do i think there’s a lot of pull from! more than. uh. most ships in this fandom.

also crutchie is almost never paired with anyone romantically and i wish it was a mystery as to why. so if he wants to kiss jack kelly… who am i to tell a fic writer what to do. but also… crutchie and davey. i could have thoughts if they were dropped in my inbox.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

OKAY WELL YEAH it is jack and crutchie. i can be a jackcrutchie ally and not ship it consistently. their history together is the longest in the show’s context and i love how clear it is… i think crutchie’s love for new york and jack’s growing distaste of it is REALLY fascinating given the fact crutchie is the one thrown in jail and he is still like. but this is my city. like wow. idk that’s so… so fascinating for them two

My unpopular opinion about this character:

my unpopular opinion is that the hashtag ‘let crutchie say fuck’ agenda is still rooted in like a quirky infantilism. like when the child learns a bad word. what

anyway hashtag crutchie does say fuck

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

i wish crutchie got to talk to jack about the strike. because one minute they’re talking about santa fe, the next prices are raised and crutchie is saying how they should just buy their papers and keep surviving, and then suddenly we are on strike. i want a like. “what happened to leaving new york, mr. president?” kind of conversation between them especially since crutchie is IN OPPOSITION of jack. fuck me i’ll do it myself if i have to

Favorite friendship for this character:

DAVID JACOBSDSNDND!!! i think there’s this weird kind of recognition that crutchie has with davey, like this knowledge that jack needs someone like this to bring him down to earth. like. this Approval crutchie has of davey is fucking awesome, very clear in uksies. also they’re shown talking together a lot, after WWK they r at the center table like Deeply discussing something before davey says his line. ugh<3

also the way crutchie gives davey (yes not the other way around. davey like comes over to him and crutchie invites him in for a hug) is so personal to me oh my god!!

THANKS CAM!!

[illnessfaker]

i have complicated feelings on "transabled" because well when you first google it what comes up is "body integrity identity disorder" which like that conversation brings up a whole mess of things irt bodily autonomy and anti-psychiatry. i don't think "transabled" is the a good way of articulating that kind of highly complex situation wherein those discussions are relevant though.

but that's different than like searching the same term on tumblr and getting the "transdyslexic flag" where it's like uh okay yes psychiatric diagnostic categories certainly are not these immutable things but that does not mean that simply desiring to have dyslexia and saying you wish you were dyslexic creates any meaningful change with anything nor does it meaningfully change your actual relationship to dyslexia as a psychiatric diagnosis.

this is hard to articulate but the best way of summarizing it is that people keep trying to equate shit to how gender functions just bc it's socially-constructed (like race and "transracial" stuff, when not referring to the term used by transracial adoptees) when just bc gender, disability, age (apparently), and race are socially-constructed doesn't mean they all function the same way.

i'm reminded of that one woman on r/illnessfakers where her situation got to the point where the tissue on her legs was fucking necrotizing. like at that point it does not fucking matter if she had a desire to be disabled/sick when previously not being sick she very much became disabled/sick, and that's only if she was in fact "faking" things. like we're talking about r/illnessfakers these people are horrible and treat random strangers like spectacles to be gawked at and it isn't justified regardless of whether someone is actually faking a condition. fuck that shit.

i used to wish i had something medically wrong with my legs to justify me being able to use something like a cane or wheelchair or crutches but that was before i knew i did in fact have several things medically wrong with my whole body. even now i can find myself in some sense "wishing" i was sicker because there is a false association in my head that means more support/validation when that absolutely isn't true and it's a wounded younger part of me that thinks that. but that isn't "transabled"-ness these are things that manifest from trauma and because i was medically neglected throughout my childhood and thought there wasn't anything "actually" wrong with my body when in fact i was born w/ defective muscles and joints in a way that impacts me in very fundamental ways.

like, it's not as if people can't become disabled. it's not as if disability is an immutable category solely located within the body. but not everything works like gender does just because it's also socially constructed category + drawing comparisons or equating certain things to transness is faulty analysis or a really faulty way of understanding these things even in the case of something like body integrity identity disorder and the question of bodily autonomy.

[indecisive-dizzy]

Ramble about Eddie to your heart’s content, bestie :D

I’m honestly very interested in your ideas :3

Again, don’t be scared to just ramble in my ask box, I love hearing peoples ideas

AJDKKAGAJAKAK- THANK YOU <3 <3

I'm wailing rn /pos

My AU! Disabled Eddie!! Ok so he wasn't born with his disability, it came about later.

My Current story is that he had stroke in late middle/early high school! I have done research and Yes it is possible for teens and younger to have strokes. From what I recall it can be significantly worse for them compared to adult strokes

Eddie was left with permanent complications and is disabled bc of it. He has coordination, balance, and general mobility complications among a list of other post stroke effects. I just found the word I was looking for a few days ago to describe his mobility issues, it's Ataxia!

Eddie has to deal with bouts of muscle weakness on his right side which can effect his vision. He also gets vertigo a Lot and at this point dizziness is expected every time he stands.

He uses forearm crutches when he needs extra help walking bc he does have good days where he may not need them! But for longer distances he brings them bc he's better safe than sorry. He also has cane but he doesn't use it As much.

He also has a wheelchair that he Hates. He hates having to use it. But his Really horrible days leave him unable to stand, much less walk. He wishes he could just hide it somewhere and never think about it but alas. it's important.

He dislikes the wheelchair so much bc it makes him feel useless. He is Not! I want to clarify that wheelchair users are perfectly Capable and Independent! Eddie just has an issue with overachieving and working himself too hard. He wants to be helpful and do So Much but there are some things he can't do while in his wheelchair. He was stuck in a chair for months after his stroke and it was devastating back then. He has No good memories with a wheelchair so he continues to dislike using it.

Ok putting a read more bc I am not shutting up for a While

Relationships with the neighbors! Generally the same. Barnaby doesn't chase him bc that would be mean (? I can't think of a better way to describe it)

Sally is still Sally but she's specific on her mailman hate (lmao) to make sure Eddie and everyone else knows she's not faulting him for his disability.

Hmm yeah everything else is pretty much the same. I guess everyone is also more open about offering Eddie help from time to time if he looks like he needs an extra hand. They're not persistent or anything, but if they see him struggling to carry a package or two they're more inclined to help.

I still don't know how Howdy gets his shit. Honestly If Eddie is having a crutch or chair day,, Howdy just won't get his stock unless he gets it himself. I can't think of a way for Eddie to deliver all those heavy ass boxes.

He does ask people to pick up their packages occasionally too. He tries to deliver them all himself but it's not always possible. He offers a trolley they can use.

I want to talk about angst. So this is very specific, I'll try to keep it short. growing up, Eddie lived in a four bedroom house. two downstairs master bedrooms and two upstairs normal bedrooms. Before his stroke he was upstairs, his older brother in the other room, and his older sister in the bedroom downstairs.

Afterwards he had to move downstairs. His sister Hated this. She loved her room and her private bathroom and she was very prissy about it.

This snowballed into her just,, taking all her frustrations out on Eddie. He took Her Bedroom. He's getting all the attention. Her little brother was ruining everything.

Eddie was devastated by this. He went as far as to attempt to convince his parents to let them switch rooms again. He couldn't physically walk up the stairs most days but he just wanted his big sister to not hate him anymore.

Their relationship never fully recovered. As an adult Eddie will still find ways to blame himself and feel guilty. But he just can't bring himself to talk to her.

They used to be so close. She let Eddie experiment with her makeup, they talked about fashion and boys and she helped him so so much when he was questioning his sexuality.

and then it just, fell apart. But not quietly like a loose thread but rather a house that wasn't built quite right and the screws came loose one by one.

Eddie's memory gets really fuzzy when thinking that far back. but some of those memories are burned into his mind and he wishes he could forget them like he does everything else.

[hamliet]

Hey hamliet, got a bit of an unusual question for you about RWBY.

How do you deal with the negativity?

Now that Volume 9 is going to be on Crunchyroll first and free an entire year later, there's been a lot of negative talk about RWBY and Rooster Teeth. How RT is dying and a shell of its former self. That the RWBY Sub and Discord is going to pirate the hell out of the show instead of supporting it due to the poor treatment of the staff, calling Geoff's statement about how pirating will do nothing more than hurt the show as bad taste, and pretty much fine dooming the show because all that matters now is RT is supposedly a shit company these days and that's all that matters...

Not to mention you STILL have people like the Judgemental Critter releasing videos about how bad RWBY is. There's so little positive RWBY content on Youtube...

Just, how do you deal with it all, the hatedom for a show you love and worries that it might not be ended thanks to the hatedom and controversies surrounding it? Or do you think I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill?'

Sigh.

Regarding YouTube, I ignore it. Sometimes I think about doing takedowns of the Reddit Dudebros who have made RWBY hate videos, but I also don't wanna give them traffic. Instead I use the site I write for (the non-Tumblr one) to write positive RWBY content, which will go up over the next month. It won't have the same reach, probably, but it's all I can actually do.

As for the production stuff, I have mixed feelings.

I think the long hiatus has soured a lot of the trust in CRWBY, and rightly so. Yes, covid, the WBD merge (and WBD's scorched earth policies in general are creating atmospheres of anxiety and fear for all their subsidiaries), Ice Queendom, and the movies have happened, but the sudden hiatus when your previous volume ended on a literal cliffhanger is not a good look. People are going to rightly get suspicious and anxious, and frankly, I think RT didn't handle it well at all. If RWBY continues, and it better, they absolutely cannot have another long hiatus, and they should be forthcoming about things.

I think Geoff's letter is an attempt to be forthcoming. I don't think it's super clear, though, and kind of made things worse--but I also don't think that is Geoff's fault. I think the fandom, as a whole, has issues that are absolutely not the fault of Rooster Teeth or anyone in CRWBY, and are instead the fandom's issues.

The fandom has a semi-parasocial relationship with the actors and writers, which is great on one hand and yikes on the other, because the fans do act entitled in a lot of ways. Because people involved do say certain things, fans take it as Gospel Truth because Their Friend The Involved Person wouldn't possibly have other motives or be a complex human being themselves with subconcious pain and desires that may or may not align with theirs. But the people involved are all, well, people, and they aren't your friend. They're not a bad person or an enemy; they're just a person you don't actually know. People are complicated. I'm also not blaming people involved who speak out; they're doing what they can with what they know. I just wish fans would accept that what fans know is far, far less than they think.

I don't know how to say this in a way that will not get fans furious at me or think I'm dismissing the issues because I'm really not trying to. I'm just an adult who has unfortunately seen the results of simplistic thinking, and there are not simple solutions to complex problems.

If you watch any anime at all, you're probably giving money to studios that treat their workers way, way, way worse than Rooster Teeth does.

If you consume manga, you're giving money to a company that has worked numerous mangakas into permanent disabilities because of their insane deadlines and low pay. Like, Shuiesha is awful. Ishida lost his ability to taste food.

Wait, I can hear all of you now: JUST BECAUSE X DOES IT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY FOR RT TO DO IT! To which I say: you're hella f*ckin' right. I am not making this argument at all, just laying facts out. It absolutely is not an excuse. 0% excuse.

Get your sh*t together, Rooster Teeth.

But it is to say, if you're boycotting RT but watching something else, don't say it's on blanket moral principles, because it isn't. You're going to have to ask yourself why you hold them to another standard. And to be fair, we all have limits and our own boundaries, so it's not possible to judge others. I avoid certain media and consume others.

There isn't a great way to handle this. There isn't a simple solution that will just magically make everything okay for everyone. It sucks.

But boycotts actually, imo, not going to help and fairly likely to make the situation worse. So instead of no pay, you want them to get... no pay or jobs at all? Because it's not like there's a "good" animation studio. Trust me, I work in the arts. Having no job is awful, too.

It's not remotely the same, but I think back to the sweatshops people boycotted in the late oughts--understandably so. But here's a little known fact: thanks to all the boycotting, a lot of those women went into the sex industry, and not exactly willingly, but out of desperation. I know some of these women by name. It is not the same thing here, and I'm not saying it is, and maybe shouldn't even use this analogy, but I am using it as an example of how boycotts as simple solutions are not nearly so moral as you might think, in broad terms.

Regarding RWBY's future, I really hope we get the ending as Monty planned. I want it, and I think we only need 3-4 more seasons for it.

Frankly, I think RWBY is one of the most well-written American animated shows to exist in the past decade.

(Go ahead and argue with me, dudebros. You'll lose.) RWBY is actually very popular overseas, which also helps.

I also think of Monty's quote from when his mother passed away, which seems eerie considering his own untimely death:

“I believe that the human spirit is indomitable. If you endeavor to achieve, it will happen given enough resolve. It may not be immediate, and often your greater dreams are something you will not achieve within your own lifetime. The effort you put forth to anything transcends yourself, for there is no futility even in death.”

Anyways, the finale of volume 9 is airing on the anniversary of my dad's death, which is the same day as the anniversary of the death of the friend who introduced me to RWBY's parent as well (yes, our parents died the same day, years apart). RWBY is one of those stories that gives me life and hope again in how it handles grief. I hope there's a path forward for the story that involves treating workers fairly.

[books-are-my-life-stuff]

Finally finished Lycoris Recoil! I remembered the first time when I decided to watch this series, was because I stumbled upon this trailer, and ClariS sang the opening song. The opening song was pretty good (and I really like ClariS), so I thought: “eh, why not?” and decided to watch it. Besides, its genre seems to be action (which I often like) and if I didn’t like it, I could just drop it anytime.

I ended up enjoying it immensely, and not because of the action sequences, but because of the characters and their relationship with each other.

Everyday I prayed for this anime not to end up like Wonder Egg Priority (story-wise and situation-wise...God, I hope all the staffs working on that series are doing well now), and I’m really really glad that Lycoreco stuck to its landing and ended the show successfully. And since I said the characters and their relationship ended up to be the most interesting aspects of this series, I would like to talk about them in depth.

First, Majima. I’m still not sure what to feel towards him, but I mean that in a positive way. He ended up to be a rather interesting fellow, and he has a strange friendship with Chisato. He often establishes himself as Chisato’s rival, and how he wants moments where they can fight against each other even if it means putting the entire city at risk. Chisato’s response to that is often like: “eh, whatever, I’ll deal with you I guess”. Like if Majima wanted a fight against Chisato without putting the whole city and Chisato’s friends at risk, Chisato would surely not mind. But Majima is very unhinged so yeah. Still, I prefer them to just sit down and relax, talk about movies and stuffs like the previous episodes than fighting, but that’s just me. One thing that I found interesting is that, in this episode, when Chisato’s heart started acting up, Majima was surprised, and seemed concerned too. He also stopped attacking Chisato and offered her to take a rest and drink. If Majima were her enemy, Majima would take advantage of Chisato’s condition, but he didn’t. And this shows that they are friends, no matter how strange their friendship (or better, rivalry) is. Majima is also somewhat a nice guy for worrying about Chisato’s condition than taking advantage of it. He still sowed for chaos somewhere else, though.

And now, about Mika, and by extension Yoshimatsu as well. Mika has always been a dad figure for Chisato, and even more after the whole reveal, but his dad instinct really showed here as he showed no hesitation to beat the hell out of Yoshimatsu’s subordinate for toying around Chisato’s heart. And he also showed that Mika was actually not disabled at all. Even Yoshimatsu didn’t know that. Mika said something around the line of: “you shouldn’t reveal all about yourself to other people, especially to the one you love”. If there’s even any doubt about Yoshimatsu and Mika’s relationship, this erased any doubt of it. And if Mika’s hesitation as well as how heartbroken he was when he pulled the trigger to shoot Yoshimatsu told anything, Mika really loved Yoshimatsu. Yoshimatsu was just really hell-bent in making Chisato to be who he wanted her to be, but Mika wanted Chisato to live her own life in whichever way she wanted to. It’s a complicated relationship, and Mika deserved so much better than Yoshimatsu who dehumanized Chisato and called her a doll, but...yeah. To achieve Chisato’s happy ending, Yoshimatsu had to be killed. In order for Chisato to stay alive, the heart inside Yoshimatsu’s chest had to be taken, and possibly costing his life as well. I saw someone on twitter pointed out that this series’ ending was happy, but also very sad as well, because of how Mika and Yoshimatsu’s relationship ended, and Yoshimatsu’s fate. And someone on twitter also pointed out that based on the message card from Yoshimatsu, Yoshimatsu did plan to gift the heart to Chisato and seemed to wish for her happiness, and thus gave the Alan Institute necklace again, assigned her for a mission to be happy, but Chisato seemed to misunderstand that and threw away the necklace. Mika also removed the message from Yoshimatsu, and I think for a good reason. Chisato wouldn’t be able to move on from Yoshimatsu otherwise, and would always be hung up over her missions and stuff, after all.

And now, saving the best for the last: Chisato and Takina’s relationship. Really, this show is about them, revolves around them, and centers at them. Which is great, because all of their moments together are the most enjoyable. I’m also beyond happy that this show ended happily and Takina didn’t have to say farewell to Chisato, especially after all the help that Chisato did to her. I saw someone on twitter said about the core theme of this series: moving on. Lycoris Recoil is about a series of moving on to a new life, leaving the past behind. 

Takina was exiled from DA, went to LycoReco Cafe and met Chisato. There, she learned about Chisato’s character, Chisato’s morals, and about life. From Chisato, Takina learned that their lives are valuable as much as the others. Granted, that things didn’t go as smooth as I described--we all knew Chisato and Takina argued a lot against each other in early episodes and how Takina failed to understand Chisato’s decision to not kill--but Takina eventually, and slowly, understood. Chisato also understood that Takina wanted to return to DA so badly, but when Takina returned, everyone was unwelcome to her. Bad rumors spread around them about her, Fuki had a new partner and didn’t want to involve herself with Takina anymore, and Kusunoki had no plans to make Takina return to DA. This left Takina feeling lost, realizing that the place she thought she belonged to didn’t welcome her anymore, and as a Lycoris, she didn’t know what to do anymore with her life. That’s when Chisato met her up, telling her how happy she was to meet Takina, and teaching Takina to welcome the new life at LycoReco cafe, leaving the past behind. Slowly but surely, Takina moved on, and happily live her life in LycoReco cafe at Chisato’s side. Which was why she was at disbelief and feeling lost again when LycoReco cafe was about to be shut down, because she thought she would lose a place where she belonged to again. So, she returned to DA, but in the end, Takina realized that only at Chisato’s side she belongs, and time by time, she returned to save Chisato again, because she wants to be with Chisato, and wants to stay at her side, because Chisato taught her to move on from her past, and to understand the meaning of life. 

Chisato was saved by Mika and Yoshimatsu. Yoshimatsu gave her an artificial heart so she could stay alive. Yoshimatsu wanted Chisato to be a murder machine, because that’s her “talent” and Alan Institute was an organization that emphasized one’s talent because that’s the best for them. Yoshimatsu referring himself as ‘savior’ backfired as that propelled Chisato’s pacifism. Mika saw how happy Chisato was at her decision to be a ‘savior’ like Yoshimatsu, and decided not to stop her for her happiness. Chisato remained true to her morals and decisions not to kill. Despite being a highly-skilled Lycoris who could evade bullets and was already high-ranked ever since she was young, Chisato decided that she just wanted to help people around her, and live her normal life in LycoReco cafe. She would pull out her gun (with rubber, non-lethal bullets) when the situation and mission called, but despite everything, she really is the happiest when she lived her normal life. And that’s because she’s aware of how limited her life was, so she wanted to live her life and enjoy it as much as she could. No matter how much everyone around her (Takina, Majima, or even Yoshimatsu) questioned her moral decision, Chisato is persistent in her decision to not kill, and is happy for not killing anyone. That’s why shooting Yoshimatsu, even though not killing him, broke her so much, because not only that went against her belief, but she also wounded someone she really treasured, but she had to do it or else Takina’s life is in danger. When Mika revealed all the situation, and when Yoshimatsu still remained persistent in making Chisato to be a killing machine as he wanted, Chisato was at disbelief. She didn’t expect Yoshimatsu, her savior and the reason of her pacifism, ended up wanting the opposite for her. She wanted to keep her normal life and her current moral decision, but Yoshimatsu tried all he could from manipulating to gaslighting her, even dehumanizing Chisato so she could be a killing machine. Chisato’s character arc ended in this episode, where she finally moved on from the cruel responsibility that Yoshimatsu weighed upon her, and from Yoshimatsu in general. Of course, she obviously knew why she woke up in a hospital and why there was a huge bandage on her chest, and where the heart came from. That’s why she escaped the hospital and ran away to cope with the sadness. But Takina’s insistence of not wanting Chisato to die no matter what it takes, and Takina always returning to her side no matter what, even when Chisato ran away, this propelled Chisato to finally move on from the past that weighed upon her, and live her new, normal life alongside Takina and everyone else at LycoReco cafe. She starts her new life by going back to the things she gave up on, and things she wished she could do (but couldn’t because of her heart), and the first thing she does is to spend more time with Takina, and goes to Hawaii with everyone else, showing that normal life is truly what makes her the happiest.

Chisato helped Takina to move on from her past and find a new purpose of living, and in return Takina also helped Chisato to move on and keep the normal happy life. They help and fulfill each other, and that’s why Chisato and Takina’s characters as individuals, as well as their relationship remain the highlight of this series, and what makes this series great.

Now, onto the downsides. The story was okay, but it was mostly carried by the characters. If the characters weren’t this great, I probably wouldn’t be this engaged into the series. I still don’t like how Majima’s shenanigans in the tower was only covered by “it’s just a show!” excuse when there are clearly one Lycoris and one citizen died witnessed by many people. It’s still very lame. I also don’t have strong feelings towards Mizuki, who most of the time only acted as Kurumi’s sidekick. She really looked like she knew more than she let on, and she could have been a big sister figure to Chisato, but the series treated her mostly as a joke and sidekick character. Kurumi was okay, pretty interesting at her episode, and her battle with Robota was pretty interesting to watch, but she’s also mostly sitting on the sidelines while somewhat magically solved problems with her hacking skills. She’s fine, I just wish she had more than just that. Though, these are mostly problems stemmed from how the series was limited to only 13 episodes, with no space to expand other characters.

Overall, despite its flaws, I still enjoyed Lycoris Recoil so much. It’s been so much fun, and I’m going to miss this series. Though, I’ll let Chisato, Takina, Mika, Kurumi, and Mizuki got their well-deserved vacation, away from the mess of a city because they obviously needed it. Glad they finally have a chance to go to Hawaii together.

[newhologram]

Jennette McCurdy & Drew Barrymore on Complicated Relationships with Mothers | Barrymore's Backstage "Does someone have to die in order for us to be able to tell our truths?" "I think if saying the truth ends a relationship, I think it's probably a relationship that needed to end." "How do you get over guilt and shame if they're still alive in order to tell those truths?" Love that they get into the complex feelings that come with wanting to speak our survival story and emotional truths. It's been something I go back and forth on so hard as I've been finally really speaking up about the reality of my childhood and even my young "newly"-disabled adulthood as it brought a whole new kind of abuse into my experience. For so long I was scared to really talk about it more than just vaguely because I genuinely feared for my safety if anyone ever found out I was sharing this stuff online. Sometimes I still have intense waves of anxiety and dread (and nightmares I'm being harmed) over it, and then I'll go delete a bunch of posts about the kind of abuse I've survived, and how I'm still to this day gaslit about it. Most of the time now I feel really empowered because I am absolutely allowed to talk about this stuff. I'm an adult with autonomy and the right to my reality. I do NOT need permission or approval from my family to talk about the impact my childhood or the past 10 years as the disabled scapegoat had on me. If that upsets them because it "makes them look bad", that's actually on them. No one you hurt "makes" you "look" bad when your actions and behaviors are actually what was bad. Own up to it, maybe? Do better, maybe? And stop continuing to blame me for everything. I just find it kind of pitiful now. Sorry if that's harsh, I know we all have our own pace and path. But I have no time or energy for their stuckness. They've shown me that they aren't safe to be around, and I take my safety and health very seriously. No more sacrificing. This isn't about revenge or being petty but taking back my story which allows for healing. In my case, though I've been at the trauma work for nearly 10 years, it's been some pretty rapid healing in the past 1.5 years. Like a kind of mental and emotional bootcamp. Especially since I tried to sit down with them and talk about how harmful their gaslighting and apologism is and then they immediately just took turns gaslighting me (Is anyone home? A conscience or empathy or... anything?). I'm at peace with the thought that some of these relationships may end, or are in the process of ending. If the alterative is to be forced to be part of that unhealthy system, then what am I actually losing? A fake head-in-the-sand mannequin stand-in family, full of people who won't open up, who won't do the work, who won't get help and instead wish to pretend... for what? I'm done pretending. And I'm happier than ever and finally loving life despite my many health challenges.

[puppyparkmoving]

🌟Dylan -hickhusband

Ouuuugghhhh

Their relationship is really really complicated. Their first interaction was when she was working on her hypnospace page he messaged her literally becuz he was desparate and despicable. They both have autism so hes not really good at flirting smoothly and shes not very good at picking up on it but she thought he was cute and funny and talked to him every night becuz she had no friends irl. He didnt belittle her for having a rocky and kind of fruitless career for so long and for being disabled. She just felt good talking with him and eventually they developed a deeper and lbr nsfw relationship. They were secretly dating for a bit becuz she didnt like posting overly personal things for everyone to see. And he respected that but would kind of hint that he was taken often as if anyone might prod him abt it but they didnt. She was always incredibly supportive of his interests and ambitions because she wished she had someone like that in her failed two years of college.

When she volunteers to be an enforcer to make things easier for him so he can focus on his passion project they can only talk through the company emails which she expresses worry people in the company might find out. They however dont and they continue their relationship getting to the point of saying i love you and what not. His stress obviously builds as the new year approaches between his job, the ridicule he gets, and the mass hysteria abt y2k. His hobbies are becoming harder and hes lashing out on people. It makes things harder between the two and he gets worried about that as she kind of distances herself and doesnt answer as often. It doesnt help he doesnt get along with sam and she becomes close with sam.

With a severe wedge between them and the headband malfunctioning theres a while where they dont talk. When she logs back on he seems to have removed stuff about him being taken and doesnt answer her emails. Sam is receptive and an amazing friend and coworker to her. Helps her a lot. When Dylan finally reaches back out hes a bit defensive and sensitive still and she doesnt really tolerate it or answer him. Which leads to him being a bit desperate and despicable again. And Margaret has no problem slamming the hammer on his flist. Which of coirse makes him ban you from the server but his email isnt as severe to her.

When she comes back and everythings a fucking mess its a welcome distraction from how bad her real life has gotten since she and Dylan assumedly split. She missed the people and the work. Even if it was so much to handle. The two reconciled shortly before midnight while the update was uploading. Things were seemingly perfect until the inevitable. 20 years later she never dated afterwards. Hes the only man she can see herself with but she fell off the face of the earth feeling like y2k was her fault. Id love to say they have a happy ending but they dont. Maybe ill make an au. Point is theyre soul mates in a world not made for autistic people and are constantly kept apart.

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

im glad expansion of virtual events expands accessibility for other disabled folx, genuinely, but covid has really driven home how virtual events are just... inaccessible to me, no matter what

looking at a screen for too long makes me tired and irritable and triggers my sensory issues, meaning my mood’s gotten way more unstable since covid hit and now most of my days are spent in front of my computer

my shit audio processing means i can’t comprehend what most people say over a microphone, and closed captioning technology is still at a point where live captioning is delayed by a significant few seconds and often inaccurate

live captioning is pretty much only ever offered in webinar/lecture/panel discussions, and it would be complicated to impossible to implement in social spaces

text chat is nice, but i rarely have the ability to handle group events via text chat, and trying to maintain social relationships solely through text is almost impossible for me because i hate being tied to my computer, i hate typing on mobile, and i rarely have the spoons to keep up with more than one or two people at a time

not being able to have an in-person social network and not being able to go out in public basically means i have 0 social network and no ability to attend any kind of community event, and no way to rebuild either of those things

i wish more people talked about how covid has been making, like, having friends entirely inaccessible for a lot of disabled people, like we can’t just switch to virtual and it’s not petty or whiny of us to be upset over this, imagine how it feels to be looking down the barrel of a future where you’re never able to meet a new person and develop a meaningful long-term relationship again