#I just would be happy to not lose weight
Text
I am restrained by logic and real life.
And some shit just remaining dreams
but fuck I wanna be huge so bad
or at least curvier than I am, lol.
#I just would be happy to not lose weight#even if I need to gain muscle for work and physio#i gotta get out of my head#find a second job#afford shit#get fat#in that order#weight gain#female feedee#personal#feedee girl#feed me#gaining on purpose#hopefully#one day#and not get sick from it#lol#belly kink
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
#I was talking to some buddies about lies of p and sekiro and how LoP’s defense as offense mentality helped get into sekiro#but then how sekiro overwrote that mentality with its own “offense is the best defense” mentality#or “hesitate and you lose” as Grandpappy isshin would say#and how the switch for the change for me was genichiro who I think is one of the best designed bosses in gaming#you CAN’T play too defensively with him because he’s happy to pepper you with arrows from a distance#and then the moment comes when you realize your sword interrupts his bow attacks sekiro truly begins as a game#lady butterfly is also a good fight but all her moves bring her to you so there’s less incentive to be as aggressive#vs genny baby who will back off and fire off his bow if you let him#this isn’t even like a video of me playing perfectly but I LOVE getting my feudal edgelord corner stunned and just bursting him down#I kinda hate the owl shinobi fight bc he hits too hard and his attacks just aren’t interesting to react to#but it’s also possible to corner stun him and just go to town on his health bar#owl father and inner father are much better fights and I actually really enjoyed inner father a lot#but the Ashina family fights are absolutely stunning achievements in game design imo#perfectly balanced to be difficult but fair and visually stunning to boot#even if there is a layer of artificial difficulty in the final battle with the flowers obscuring their swords when they’re crouched#but the animations are solid enough that there are enough other more subtle differences like how hes shifting his weight#if he’s centered he’s going to lunge but if he’s angled he’s gonna sweep#I had so much fun with LoP and sekiro 🥰🥰🥰 I crave more…#I can’t say the combat in Elden ring gorilla gripped me like these two games have but I like HAVE to play dark souls I know this#sekiro#tsuchi plays games
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
Im on a romance anime addiction rn and like just finished one and OMFG IM GONNA CRY THEY WERE SO FUCKING IN LOVE BRO THEY WERE IN LOVVVEEEE
I can’t fucking believe i almost stayed up all night on a work night to watch Cherry Magic! Thirty Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard?! A solid 8/10, some parts kinda wanna make me kill myself and some characters got on my nerves, at one point completely dropped till the end, but i felt the pacing was good and didn’t feel super rushed till kinda the end like we could have used another episode or two
Still looking for good wlw anime cause I ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY SUGGESTED WATCHING CITRUS BUT WHEN I READ A SYNOPSIS I LEGIT SCREAMED LIKE NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I just want girls who are in love bro and if its doomed so be it man
#localgardenweed#the weed is rambling#imagine me in bed at 2 AM whisper yelling at anicrush cause the video kept buffering and losing my shit i just had to quit for the night#im like begging god to show me good yuri doomed yuri just women who are in LOVVVEEE#Ive been digging thru the scraps like i have not cared for bnha but when i saw that sliver of doomed yuri#( iykyk )#I ATE THAT SHIT UP I WAS EATING IT UP AND CRIED OVER IT#I HAVENT WATCHED SINCE LIKE 2017#I WAS A FAN FOR LESS THAN A YEAR#I DID NOT GIVE A SHIT BUT AS SOON AS I SAW THE DOOMED YURI I FLEW TO IT LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME DAWG#also spoilers but i felt so bad and had to contemplate when i was fully convinced they would show at least their thoughts and dialogue#while they were freaking it not cause ‘oh mah gosh!!! gay yaoi boys so sugoi!!!’ like cause IDK IT HAD SOME DRAMATIC WEIGHT!????#IDK???? WAS TGAT BAD OF ME TO THINK???? IDK#Like i did mot wanna see their cock and balls but like WDYM WE SKIPPED OVER THAT I TOTALLY THOUGHT WE WOULD AT LEAST HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION#IDK I EXPECTED A LITTLE MORE AND NOT A TIMESKIP TO MORNING#also know i was in the kitchen cooking while i was watching that episode and like was like half screaming ‘ARE THEY FREAKING???—#THEY’RE FREAKING. I CANT’T BELIEVE THEY ARE FREAKING RN. I DONT WANNA SEE THAT EW THEY ARE KISSING#THEY ARE MAKING OUT OH GOD’#weird that i completely was gonna be find hearing them bang than watching them kiss#idk what i was expecting but like idk. i was still happy they got to freak it and be in love and shit very happy for them#i think i just wanted to hear them affirm their love and be close and like tell eachother how much they meant idk idk jsut sweet lovey dovey#there was thematic weight to the sex okay#anyway please drop more queer anime please pretty please I LOVE GAY PEOPLE!!! i wish they were real tbh#thats a joke btw if it wasn’t obvious like. look at me.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i just need to lose 4 more kg and I'll be okay#even 3 kg would be okay 🥲#I'm stuck at work looking at frozen loading screen and this is all i can think about#and I'm scared that I let myself ago again but it was hard because I couldn't control my calorie intake and burn#but i think that i can do it#i just don't want to gain any more weight#otherwise I'm completely sane 🙂#also I don't mean to brag but I want to brag...i can run now at least 5km#and it feels so good because few years ago I couldn't run for 30 seconds without stopping#it's one of those things you just suddenly realise and it instantly makes you so happy#like i even forgot it's something I wanted so bad long time ago#and now I don't even know how it's real#all i need is to lose those few kgs and I'll reach inner peace and nirvana and clarity#anyways... thank you for listening to my nonsense#i promise that one day I'll shut up about issues about my weight#i hope that you all are doing great ❤️
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
house truly is a show of contrasts. really ableist and fatphobic but also hitting hard on things related to abelism and faphobia that other shows wouldn't touch, creating some genuinely satisfying moments
#I was mad at foreman during the ep with the homeless woman but chase is also a huge piece of shit#but like it sucks how the happy endings are x pt not actually ever having been schizophrenic and x pt losing weight#so now they're 'normal'#but also house sat down and listened to lucy when ot was clear nobody else would#and jessica's mom was so loving and supportive. and house pointed out how much shame and pressure she must already feel#and that guy who loved his fat wife and thought it was sexy how big she was#like that's genuinely heartwarming to me. being a horifically bullied 10 yr old was not easy#and its not like that would just vanish bc she lost weight and the problems at school weren't her fault anyway#also whenever house talks about his pain and stands up for his use of meds to control it#like yeah. what IS the problem if he needs meds to function and he gets them. do these bitches know what its like to live in chronic pain#house lb
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I went grocery shopping today and realized just how much stronger I've gotten since pre-recovery and now I suddenly don't wanna relapse
#also just had a rather great day that reminded me i can feel happy still#its hard to remember that when it hardly ever happens#idk if i can give up on losing weight though... and it was just one good day. i still need some way to cope :(#idk what to do. i want to be happy. i want this to be the last time i ever had to get better#but i also cant really do anything. i need something more#i guess ill take it one day at a time... though i will probably relapse if i do that#but fuck it I guess it is what it is#well see what happens#I just dont wanna lose all this progress :( and i dont wanna go through recovery again#last time with my ed was so incredibly traumatic. i thought i was gonna die#there would be days id binge eat (relatively 'normal' amounts of food but a whole days worth at once)#and it was because id think 'today could be my last day- i may as well eat what i want now'#but id be in so much pain and have extreme nausea for hours or days not to mention the mental anguish-#god. it was all just really awful. i want things to be better now
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
⚠️ weight loss discussion in tags ⚠️
#weight loss tw#¶#so! I'm losing weight for surgery#and my surgeon gave me the kind of arbitrary goal of 40 pounds (which i have officially surpassed 😇)#but there's still a few months until my hysto so I'm just gonna keep going to see how much i can lose before then#doing the math on it at my current pace would mean I'd go in for surgery weighing precisely 1 pound more than i did as a teenager. I'm — 😳#but like. how fucking cool is that????#and I'm so much healthier than i was a year ago and my body is working WITH me now instead of me struggling against it#and I'm getting my A1C checked at the end of the month and my fasting sugars have been phenomenal so it's going to be SUCH a good number#and basically everything about this is so so good and I'm incredibly happy and very very proud of myself 🥰🧿#(p.s. if you're reading this and wanna tell me completely unprompted about how weight loss doesn't stick? do fucking not 💗)
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
being chubby means there are wars going on in my mind every single day with millions of soldiers dying
#the fact it makes me feel like i am immediately eliminated as someone to be romantically or sexually interested in for most of the world#and like. if its true that someone wouldnt like me for my weight then i wouldnt want them either but like. oh god. oh my fucking god#i do want to lose some weight just bc i have a lot of clothes i got recently that i like that i want to fit into again#and its not even much that i would need to lose. but even the thought of moving towards being skinny is terrifying i would never want to do#that. like the thought that someone could like me as a skinny person and think i was ugly if they had met me a year earlier and i wouldnt#even know is HORRIFYING.#its like. ive moved past the outward fatphobia of our world a lot. i dont really care about how my body looks im pretty neutral about it for#the most part and im happy that ive gotten to thaf point#but the fact that the way i look is a MAJOR part of how other people interact with me is so scary. and makes me so sad#just like jo march. it doesnt really matter how much work youve done on becoming someone strong and smart and secure and having people you#love platonically. at a certain point having no romantic love makes you feel lonely#and a little worthless. like oh someone has to know me really well before ever being interested in me as more than a friend nice to know i#inspire no feelings of attraction in the people i am interested in because of the body i inhabit. awesome 👍🏻#ugh. its whatever. its just a lot of contradictory shit i think about a lot and hate thinking about so much
13 notes
·
View notes
Video
undefined
tumblr
i made trust portraits for him :)
#i love jack bardoe's voice soooo much lmao#anyway this was so fun to make!! i really loved getting to show his growth through the voicelines i chose#like.. as a lvl 15 archer he's just bright eyes and bushy tailed and happy to be here#lvl 30 marauder he's eager to make himself useful and show his stuff#lvl 50 warrior is when he starts becoming a bit of a cocky bastard lmao#lvl 60 drg is sort of an extension of that but less insane PFF#but then lvl 60 drk is when he switches jobs after haurche... he's in his angry edgy revenge phase#lvl 70 mnk and sam are him over compensating for losing to zenos; he's extra uncharacteristically violent bc he feels weak :')#lvl 80 drk he's moved on from that bfhgjgf learning to address his weakness and rely on others~#lvl 90 pld my little baby is all grown up ;o; he's rly matured at this point and become a protector~!#though i like to imagine after endwalker when things have calmed down and the weight of the star isn't on his shoulders#his fun cocky attitude would resurface a bit :)#but yeah. precious son.#yoshiro zenko#warrior of light#ffxiv#starry art
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Its so joever for me bruh im 18 with no friends no job not in school no hobbies no goals no achievements
#whenever i go outside i feel so incredibly uncomfortable like everyone is staring at me and laughing at me i cant even walk normally#and i was legitametly getting stared at when i went to college so its not like im just paranoid or something#i probably am actually getting stared at and made fun of just like i was in college#i think i look worse then i think i do and that makes me so sad lol#i know im ugly but sometimes i see myself and think maybe i dont look TOO bad or at least when i lose weight i wont look so bad#but maybe im just irredeemably ugly and nothing can fix it#why else would people stare at me im unremarkable at best#im not tall or super underweight and i dont dress weird i do everything i possibly can to fade into the background#so why do people stare at me#the only logical answer is that im just incredibly ugly#so my life is basically just over lol#i know people dont want to talk to me but i figured it was just because im quiet so i pushed myself to be more talkative and outgoing#but obviously that didnt work so it must just be cause im ugly#thats why people stare at me#i guess if i get to a low enough weight at least the stares will be about my body and not my face#that would be a little better i think#when i was growing up all i hoped for was that i would live a normal life once i grew up#i dont even care about leaving a mark on the world or being some important person anymore#i just want to feel content with my life for once man#i havent been happy with myself or my life since i was twelve years old#all ive done since then is fail my parents and fail myself#i know im a disappointment to them no matter what they say ive seen theyre text messages and i see the way they treat me#im nothing but a waste of money and time#and to top it off i look like a fucking ogre#all i ever wanted was to be happy with myself. i cant even live up to my own expectations.#i will never amount to anything
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#not to be a problem but#how tf can ppl complain abt lack of appetite/losing weight ur so fuckig lucky i would kill to not have an appetite i dont wanna gain weight#i hate when ppl r like ur so brave :) to ppl who have illnesses that make them skinny/are recovering ed havers#but fat current ed havers/people with illnesses that make them eat/gain weight are problematic and unhealthy#i just wanna be normal i dont want to be body positivity or a fat icon for wearing clothes i wanna be beautiful for being beautiful#not beautiful even though shes fat#sorry i didnt get the cute pretty waif depression where i dont want to eat i got the ugly obese slob kind#where all i can do to make myself happy is shovel food in my fat ugly face#and then cry about it#might delete. anyways send me mean asks if you want i need encouragement#yea its such a tragedy that you get to be lovedand get treated 10x better than fat ppl just for existign our struggles are comparable ttl
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
💔
#this is going to be another rant#I'm just sitting here thinking of how I managed to lose weight last year bc I haven't been able to muster up even 0.1% of that energy so far#it's getting very disheartening tbh and idk what to do. i feel so helpless. i haven't opened my wardrobe in months now bc nothing fits me#the body dysmorphia and just the general hatred of my body is killing me and I'm so helpless. i so desperately want my sexy body back bc it#made me feel happy and confident and good about myself and i just can't...like i just am not able to even walk anymore bc my body and brain#aren't cooperating. if i be completely honest.. atp I'm constantly thinking that killing myself would be easier than losing weight and#getting back into shape. this happens everytime. my first thought or solution to everything is killing myself. it seems easy and something i#can possibly do??? idk. I wish there was a magical way of getting back what I had#i wish i hadn't binged on so much junk food last year#this is getting super difficult for me.#yeah#tw body dysmorphia#tw body image#tw weighloss#tw eating issues#hera#hera core#personal rant#rant time!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
like as much as it’s kind of euphoric in a belated retroactive way that im losin weight as soon as i fucking stop a lot of the ed behavior im mostly just really annoyed that none of my pants fit anymore
#disordered eating cw#i know it’s mostly my meds#but im still like. agh i had to stab a new hole into my belt and they still kept falling down#like i’m. it’s triggering#i was like finally relatively ok with how my weight was and then.#i’m losing like a lot of it#not like alarmingly fast or anything but it’s still. sigh. i thought it would make me happy#but now i just have to fight off the need to min max my weight loss#ed recovery vent#disordered eating thoughts#lmk if this shouldn’t be in tags pls i don’t wanna upset or trigger anyone
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#tw animal death#tommy is being put down#he's had something wrong with his mouth so weve been mixing can food w warm water for like two years#we cant afford to take him to the vet. its over $2000 at least for a dental and we just cant afford it#and hes been losing weight and eating less and less and weve known for awhile that hes declining#so mom got animal control to take him in as a feral hoping they cpuld help him that way#and we knew there was a chance they wouldnt be able to and would have tl put him down#but the vet said she would dl it. and we found out we could go vosit him so we were gonna do that today#and a lady called right before we wete headinv out to come see him and said. the vet is going on a month leave and no onr rlse will fo it#so hes gonns be put down#so hes been dtuck in that cage all alone for 10 days. and he hates being inside and apparently he hasnt been eating and just hissing at ever#everyone. and he was so scared when we walked in but when he realized who i was started purring and climbing all over me#and being so loving and happy and immediately wanted to eat agakn amd just#i had to leave him there. all alone. to fucking die#vent#i dont want him to go i want him to come home with me hes my boy
1 note
·
View note
Text
.
#sorry i need to vent ignore this#my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit#bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer#and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted#but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but#now i hate it again i hate it so much#ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN#and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but#i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers#but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but#it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression#like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be#in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly#to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and#i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn#im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now#i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it#clara tais toi#like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO#preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and#the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like#it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted#dl later
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Anyway just an update, I kept going and the ed recovery is actually recovery-ing now 👍
#its been about... 8 months i think??#and things are just so much unspeakably better#like idk how to even put it into words#i can actually ENJOY things#i can actually be happy#i dont have to worry constantly about anything specific (i am still worying all the time but about many different things now :/#im not always nauseous or full or hungry or having severe stomach pain#i dont constantly have to use every ounce of mental and physical energy to distract myself from food and my ed#i fall asleep without having to push down ny hunger pains and i wake up happier knowing that it doesnt matter what i do next#i get a coffee and yes i still think twice about putting creamer in it and whipped cream on top but its easier#its still a conscious effort but its easier to make now that i know how much i have to lose#im weight restored for real this time and im not very worried about gaining more#but because of that this number im at now was so abstract in my mind as something i never thought i would get to#that its actually kind of a good thing?? like its like this weight is just outside of my ed#its easy to convince myself not to restrict because it wouldnt be an instant fix now that i weigh this much#it would take months and months of effort that would harm my body and my mind even more#and i just dont want tht#my joint pain is worse now that theyre holding so much more weight but im still hopeful about getting stronger#idk i just feel like ive gained so much more than weight. so many things that make it worth it
26 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
secretlyafurry69xx
Naamloos
aibataipeiboxing
aibataipeiboxing
i-like-to-eatt-blog
I like nothing
madelonw
Untitled
jadefangirl15
Jadefangirlart