#I kinda didn't plan to see it but then yesterday at 2 am I went

[ryuki-blogs]

Not me literally alone on Transformers in cinema lol

[selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs]

Is it perhaps ok to ask for a single father reader? Like his child is still young, like 2-3, and reader is kinda like Tanjiro and Ubuyashiki from demon slayer? I would really like to see all the characters but I’d definitely like to see Tecchou, Jouno, Atsushi and Chuuya the most, I hope this isn’t too much or bad

Single Father! Reader

Self-Aware! BSD Cast x Male! Single Father! Reader

Description: It was supposed to be another normal day. Until your phone start glowing.

Warning: OOC, English is my second language

It was 9 pm, when you finally get home.

Before entering your apartment, you take a few breaths and put a smile on your face. With a knock, you turn your keys and opened the door.

Immediately you heard a sound of small footsteps. A three-year-old toddler waggle towards you.

Mrs. Greenhill, sweet old lady, your neighbor, followed after them. You were Incredibly lucky, that she agreed to look after [K/N], while you were at work. You nodded at her.

"Good evening, Mrs. Greenhill"

Your crouched down and hug your kid.

"Hello, [K/N]."

[K/N] giggle. They hugged you.

"Daddy home!"

Mrs. Greenhill's voice was soft.

"[K/N] were a good kid today. They were well-behaved in a daycare, ate their veggies and draw you a picture, [Y/N]."

Your kid giggle again. They wiggle out of your hold and, after taking your hand, start walking towards living room.

"Gift for daddy! Look!"

You followed [K/N], but turn your head towards Mrs. Greenhill.

"Thank you so much, Mrs. Greenhill. Have I ever thanked you for..."

Old lady raised her head.

"Every day, few times a day. Don't be nervous, [Y/N], you aren't looking ungrateful. I am happy to help."

You smiled again.

It was hard to be a single parent. Your parents were against you keeping [K/N] and insisted on giving them up to adoption. When you refused, they cut all contacts with you. The rest of the family were either on their side, or ignored both you and them.

So, you and your kid were living in a small apartment, that you rented, and you were working from dusk till dawn to earn money on a dead end job (with minimal wage), so your kid can have a happy life. You, once again, mentally thanked Mrs. Greenhill for agreeing to babysit [K/N]. She was a true savior.

_____

🐾 As usual, you insisted on Mrs. Greenhill staying for dinner. As usual, after she left, you played with [K/N]. As usual, you two watch some cartoons, you read [K/N] a bedtime story and put them to bed. As usual, you prepared for tomorrow's day. As usual, you spent thirty minutes before bed to read some manga and play some games on your app. As usual, your phone glow white. As usual, BSD Characters appeared in your flat...

🐾 BSD Cast were expecting disbelief or shouting. Not heavy tired gaze, and "Congrats, [Y/N], you went crazy, what a pity...". And they didn't expect you to turned out the light and went straight to bed.

🐾 Next morning, you wake up because of delicious smell. Your yesterday's hallucinations were still here and they were cooking breakfast. What nice hallucinations. Or you are being robbed by a nice burglars.

And then you heard it. [K/N]'s voice. They were giggling. And giggles came from the kitchen.

You saw white. Without second thought, you ran into the kitchen. You grabbed first person who got into your way and growl.

"Let go of my kid!"

🐾BSD cast looked towards you nervously. Kunikida's glasses almost fall down from his nose, while he was trying to get away from your grip. Oda, despite looking at you, somehow managed to feed [K/N] a few more spoons of porridge. Your kid was giggling.

🐾 It took thirty minutes to calm you down. After that, BSD Cast finally explained, what was happening. And what they were planning to do next.

About how grateful they were. About wanting to live together, promising to make sure, that you and [K/N] will always have helpers and enough money.

And, if you don't want to stay with them, they promised monthly payments, so you could support you and your kid for the rest of [K/N]'s life.

Halfway through story, you noticed, that you were incredibly late for work. Well, you guess, you should start searching for a new job.

And then you heard Fitzgerald plans on paying you for your kindness.

...

The situation was too bizarre. You need fresh air. And a walk with [K/N] through the park.

You hopped, that you will think about, what to do next.

_______

🐾 The next few days were busy. You packed up all your things, officially quitted your job, says goodbye to Mrs. Greenhill and moved to a new house with your new friends (a.k.a. new uncles, aunts, grandparents and siblings for [K/N].

And BSD Cast start learning about new side of you. About Dad [Y/N]. And about being a big family.

_____

🐯 Atsushi act as older brother figure for [K/N]. He took it upon himself to pick them up from a daycare.

After realizing, how much you were doing for your kid and how hard it was, start respecting you even more.

📒 Kunikida is helping to teach [K/N] new things. Try to teach them about planning, but [K/N] asked "Uncle Kida" to play instead. [K/N] used puppy dog eyes. It was super effective.

🩺 Yosano is making sure, that [K/N] is healthy. And she is monitoring your health, to make sure, that all this month of overworking didn't cause any damage.

🌨️ Junchirou makes dessert for Naomi and [K/N]. He uses his ability to make [K/N]'s games more interesting.

👩🏻 Naomi took the role of big sister very serious. Makes sure, that kid are doing great.

🍵 Kirako took [K/N] to play with cats.

🛏️ Katai is finding computer games and kid cartoons for [K/N]. Monitor kids nap time.

🐄 Kenji is teaching [K/N] about farm animals and gardening. Immediately got a cow, so everyone could have fresh milk every day.

🐰 Kyouka is another big sister. She is a little bit more awkward, than Naomi, but she is doing her best.

🕵🏻 Ranpo is mischievous older brother. He is seeking candies for [K/N].

👘🗡️ You and him are members of Tired Dads(tm) club. Helps you to look after [K/N].

🪢🦀 Dazai is a fun uncle. He tries not to joke about ending his life near kid.

💉 Mori is another member of Tired Dads(tm) club. Buy your kid everything he can buy.

🍷 Chuuya is another fun uncle. He competes for kid's love with Dazai.

Respects you for being a young caring father. Ready to help you at any time of the day.

🌂 Kouyou became a mother figure for a kid. Helps you with tips on how to take care of a child.

🇫🇷 Verlaine is more distant uncle. He plays with kid and acts as a bodyguard for you and [K/N].

🎧 Rimbaud is another bodyguard. Will do anything for a kid, even play in snow during winters.

🏍️ Albatross bought at least dozens toy cars for a kid. Can't wait for a kid to grow up, so he can take kid on a motorcycle ride.

🧑‍⚕️ Doc is another doctor for a kid. Will make cast, so kid could draw on it.

🧊 Iceman is a quiet uncle. Will took kid for an ice cream, while uncles Chuuya and Dazai are arguing.

🗣️ Lippman will prepare kid for kids shows in a daycare/kindergarten. Will took thousands of pictures with mini-actor [K/N].

🎹 Piano Man is another guardian. Plays with kid almost every day.

🧥 Akutagawa tries to act as soft as he can near kid. Will be the one, who protect kid from bullies.

🔫 Higuichi is picking up cute outfits for kid. Wants to go to Disneyland with them.

🚬 Hirotsu is kid's grandpa. Takes kid for walks.

🔪 Gin is another big sister. Learn little dances with a kid.

🩹🧲 Tachihara is another big brother. And took his seriously. No one would dare to make kid cry in his presence.

🍰⭐⭕🚸 👧🏻 Aya, Oda's kids, Kyuusaku, Elise and [K/N] created a kids club. They play and have fun together.

💎 Karma is trying to look after kids. Often got sucked in their games.

🍋 Kajii will teach kid about science. He is very careful and only shows harmless experiments.

🍛 Oda is another member of Tired Dads (tm) club. Main babysitter for all kids. Very good at taking care of the kids.

💰 Fitzgerald is paying for everything. He also can't help, but cancel his plans, so he can play with [K/N].

🦝 Poe writes simple stories, so kid can practice their reading skills. Proud uncle, will treat everything kid wrote as a masterpiece.

🐋 Melville is another grandpa. Tells kid stories about sea and travels. Will play pirates with kids.

🐙 Lovecraft let kids climb over his monster form. He literally became a playground.

🍇♊ Twain and Steinbeck are taking kid on small"adventures". On a small works in forest, where they hide treasure chests with toys and candies.

☕ Lucy is another big sister. Try to compete with Kyouka for kid's love. Annie's room became a playground for a kid.

🪶 Alcott is quiet aunt. She is planning trips with kid, so they would be happy at the end.

👒 ✝️ Hawthorne and Mitchell control others, so they won't over-spoil the kid. Make sure, that kid are well-behaved and good.

😷 Pushkin read stories for a kid. Surprisingly nice and soft towards kid.

🫖 Goncharov prepares lunches for a kid.

🐀 Fyodor is playing cello for the kid. It feels strange, to hear cello cover of "Baby Shark" song.

🦇 Bram is another member of Tired Dads (tm) Club. Look after kid. Sometimes, will fly, while holding kid in his arms.

🤡 Nikolai is teaching kid magic tricks. Will always try to make him smile. Kid's partner in crime.

🃏 Sigma teaches kid new games. Shares cookies with them.

⚔️ Fukuchi is the last member of Tired Dads (tm) Club. Will be the one, who will deal with adults, who tries to make kid cry.

👧👩👵 Teruko is a spy in disguise. Will use her, ability to pretend to be a preschooler, so she can protect kid from bullies.

🌸 Tetchou will always gives kid piggyback rides. Will also play sports with kid.

Want you to teach him how to be as mentally strong as you are. You became his hero.

💧 Jouno is making sure, that Tetchou didn't overdo himself. Will play with kid hide and seek.

He thinks, that you are a very strong person. He will always remind you about your strength, when you became sad.

⛩️ Chief Taneda is another grandpa. Teach kid about different cultures.

💻 Ango play simple computer games with kid. Protective over them.

🥷 Tsujimura is playing spies with kid. Want to show kid her favorite spy movies in a future.

🕶️ Ayatsuji is making paper dolls with kid. He has a whole shelf of dolls made by kid in his doll collection.

👻 Mushitarou plays with kid. Plans to told them scary stories when they became old enough.

⌚ Gide keeps his distance. But he will be the scariest one (after you), if someone hurt the kid.

🐉🍎🍏 Shibusawa collects cool rocks and shells with kid.

🐈‍⬛ Natsume will play with kid in his cat form.

🤖 Adam became literal "robot-nanny". With Chuuya's help, he is becoming better and better.

[lee-hakhyun]

do you think that the side story is trying to tell us: we, fragments of kdj, are also ourselves like despite being a small percentage of kim dokja, we also have our own identity and thats okay, that doesnt make us less important to the story? like we are still part of them and we are also important and we, too, should dream about ourselves too...... like it's trying to tell us eventho you are not special, you are still important idk

ok, i was going to answer this expanding on my thoughts i put in tags on one of your posts, but i overestimated my energy for longer posts. i will (probably) make a clearer post rewording this to not be.. all this, but here's a whole rant i went on in discord relating to your ask

text: i mentioned this before but i'm like pretty sure the the side story is meant to reach out to us (not for the sake of saving another, but to save you, personally) i'm planning on cleaning this up in a tumblr post but here's just a VERY disorganized early ramble

everything kinda clicked for me yesterday. the ask ru sent me about the open-endedness of orv got me thinking about the purpose of the side story because yeah, orv has the perfect ending. so why would there still be more? from what i'm seeing. orv will get a clear 'good' end. no more open-ends. and for a good reason. 'omnisicent reader's viewpoint' is over, this is reiterated so many times throughout the side story. but it goes on, which means the story still has a reason to continue. as singshong said, this isn't a story for just that one kim dokja anymore, but it's still a story about kim dokja. and the 'kim dokja' in the side story, it's the orv readers. the kim dokja fragments. as in,, us. if orv had to continue, THIS would be the perfect way to truly complete the story. as much as orv is a story about tragedy it's also about love. orv has saved people even, with an uncertain ending, because the story is about surviving, to have someone live on. and it's supposed to be meant for YOU, you are supposed to dream of a happy ending because you deserve a happy end. but that's not enough for some people, even when everything pointed to kdj waking up, there were still two portals in the end. there were still some people who thought kim dokja, and subsequently themselves, couldn't be saved. so the story continues on, because it hasn't truly reached everyone yet. (1/2 i hope you see where i'm going with this)

so what i think is going to happen, the side story is going to absolutely burn in the message that YOU deserve to live, and leave on an ending that cannot be misconstrued for anything else. because if kim dokja lives on, then so will we. because we are kim dokja. so he NEEDS to live in the end. we're not even close to the end of the side story and this message is already being pushed so much through lhh. he refuses to ignore anyone, 'extra' or otherwise. he wants everyone to survive. just. see his talk with ye hyunwoo. telling him to survive no matter what, that this was his response as an author to his readers, that if he needs to use 'i am kim dokja' then do so

(there's so much about lhh i could theorize on but i can't word it right now)

i'm gonna cut this off here because i will start repeating myself but if an open end was enough to change some. it wouldn't be for others. orv needs a clear happy end to reach anyone that didn't get it the first time around.

it's this ask that changed everything for me. orv's end may have been clear to me, but not everyone thinks the same way

just. urgh. something about this story going so far to reach out and say you deserve to live

[dr-trafalgar-law]

Trafalgar Law X CisFem Reader

3

"These aren't half bad for a pastry chef." Law smirked picking up another rice ball from the night before.

You didn't respond, gnawing on your lower lip distractedly.

'I need to see you.'

What does that mean? Did something happen? Had you been caught?

"F/N." your fiancé called startling you from your thoughts.

"Hm?"

"Would you like to go back to bed?" he offered assuming your distant demeanor was a side effect of last night's events.

"What? No, I'm fine." you raised your gaze to meet his.

He looked more curious than concerned, "Care to tell me why you're about to chew your own lip off?"

You halted your nervous habit once attention was drawn to it.

"Just still a bit off from yesterday I guess." you lied.

He didn't believe you but accepted your answer for now taking a seat at the table with you.

"Was there anything you wanted to do today?" he felt weird asking.

The two of you never participated in joint activities and he had no clue what you enjoyed doing when you weren't working.

"I'm so used to being up to my eyeballs in work. Just sitting around sounds kinda good." you shrugged.

"Then sitting around it is." he declared.

You glanced at him sideways. Was he planning to spend the day with you? When you suggested sitting around you assumed he would leave you alone, it didn't really seem to be his style to lay about and watch TV.

An hour later you'd constructed a nest of blankets and pillows on the sofa with Netflix cued up. Law strolled in placing his laptop, a medical journal and a comp book on the coffee table before taking a seat on the floor.

"Comfortable?" he watched you settle and turned back to the TV picking up the remote.

You hummed as he pressed play and went about his research.

It seemed he'd had no interest in watching your shows with you, but still felt the need to keep you company. You glanced between the television and your fiancé frequently. He studied diligently, citing medical articles and highlighting passages in the journal. Eventually, he stopped to take a break joining you on the couch. Rather than watch the baking show you were now six episodes into he leaned back and closed his burning eyes. It was quiet but comfortable unlike the night before. At some point, you both fell asleep.

                                                                                                    ___________

Buzzing on your nightstand jolted you from slumber. The room was still dark as you felt around for the device, squinting when you unlocked the screen nearly blinding yourself.

2:56 AM

"Fuck." you whispered settling back and opening your texts.

Law: I won't be home tonight. The on-call is overwhelmed and we're short on nurses.

It had been ten days since your episode. Before that Law probably wouldn't have bothered to tell you he wasn't coming home, you didn't share a room, it didn't matter to you. But you both agreed to communicate more even if you weren't quite ready.

Me: Your food is in the fridge.

Law smirked and pocketed his phone lying back on the cot in the on-call room. The staff insisted that he sleep for at least an hour, so he caved just taking the time to not be standing and interacting with people. He enjoyed that you were cooking dinner when you had time and that you even bothered to save him some. Cooking seemed to soothe you and he was reaping the benefits.

Your phone buzzed again earning a groan from you. What else could Law have to say?

206.555.4524: please.

The last message had gone unanswered, you even deleted it. Now you sat up wide awake slapping your phone across your thigh.

206.555.4524: I'm there. I'll wait.

You cut the engine after parking behind the house to be a little more inconspicuous.

"There" as it was referred to, was the Newgate lake house. You'd spent many summers there with the family and snuck away to have many nights alone with Marco. His truck was hidden around back next to yours, just like old times. You couldn't help the paranoid thought of it being a trap, but Marco would never do that to you.

Gulping down a few unsteady breaths you exited your car and walked up to the back door. Before you could knock the door opened and you were yanked inside colliding with a familiar torso. The light scent of burnt mesquite and chamomile wafted across your face instantly bringing a sense of ease over you. He held you for ages burying his nose in your scalp before you realized you weren't returning the affection. Your arms hung at your sides, you hadn't made a single move to bury yourself further into the blonde. The moment was so surreal and unexpected that you didn't hear him softly calling you.

His left hand moved to tip your chin up and meet his gaze, a heavy blush staining your cheeks. How could someone look so intense and nonchalant at the same time? His sapphires smoldered soaking up your flustered expression. It was exactly the reaction he wanted even if you didn't hug him back. The look on your face always gave you away.

"I shouldn't have come here." you stepped away.

Marco frowned, "But you did come, yoi."

"It was a mistake. You're married and I'm matched. People can't see us together even if it doesn't mean anything."

That hurt.

"Don't make it sound like we were nothing." his glare pierced your very core.

"That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry," you sighed pinching the bridge of your nose, "why did you call me out here? I thought something happened."

His shoulders dropped as he let out an exasperated sigh, "She's pregnant."

Your churning stomach worked quick sending stinging bile up your throat. You ran to the kitchen and spat into the sink. Marco followed offering a comforting pat between your shoulder blades.

"I'm ok." you muttered catching your breath, "Congrats is what I should have said."

Why did you come here?

"Yeah, I guess." he rubbed his neck.

"Why call me out in the middle of the night to tell me this?" you turned leaning against the marble countertop.

"I don't think it's mine, yoi."

The front door that led directly into the kitchen swung open startling both of you.

"Trust me no one ever comes out here babe." Ace stumbled in guiding a curvy brunette.

"Shit."

[samandcolbysturniolo]

at the bar-Matt Sturniolo

Warnings: drinking, nothing else.

Matt sturniolo x female reader

Summary: y/n best friend has a boyfriend...and his brother's come along too. As y/n walks too the bathroom...someone really handsome saves her.

My best friend invited me to meet her new boyfriend Chris. She invited me with them at the bar. His 2 other triplet brothers were coming too. We were gonna meet at 8pm at the bar down my street. So I was getting ready. I just put some make up on and u cute skirt with a t-shirt. I grab my purse and double check if I have everything. Yep, I'm ready to go. I grab my jacket and get out the door.

I walk around 5 minutes until I arrive. It's pretty cold outside but I didn't mind. Once I arrive I see me bestie waiting for me. She waves at me and give me a sign to come to her. "Hey girl it's so nice to see you," my best friend says. "Yeah so nice to see you too," I say as I give her a warm hug. "So this is my boyfriend Chris," she says as Chris walks up from behind her and shake my hand. "Hi I'm Chris, it's nice to meet you," he says as we shake hands and he smile. "Hi I'm y/n it's nice to meet you too," I say while we stop shaking hands. I'm a bit confused since my bestie told me his brothers were coming to....and I didn't see them. But I don't mind it.

As we drink a few drinks, I needed to go too the bathroom. But almost tripped, but luckily a guy catches me right in time. "Hey are you okay?," a male voice said, he's pretty tall, around 5,8. Beautiful brown hair and blue eyes, exactly my type! "Uhmm yeah I'm okay...thank you for that," I say as I get up from his muscular arms. "I'm matt, its nice to meet you," matt says as he let go of me. "I'm y/n, are you the brother of Chris perhaps?," I ask cause they look alike a lot. "Yeah I am, and there is nick our other triplet brother," he says as he points put to nick. "Wow you guys really look alike," I say kinda surprised. "Yeah, well were triplets after all," matt says with a caring sweet voice. We make eye contact, for a really long time...he started into my eyes, and I started into his... "uhm I gotta use the bathroom, maybe I'll see you around?," I ask as I make my way too the bathroom. "Yeah sure, bye y/n," matt says as he walks back to nick, he was playing games and stuff. "Bye matt," I say as I enter the bathroom.

Me and my best friend had fun the entire night, well I was most of the time alone drinking cause she was always kissing Chris and clinging onto him. I wanted to go to matt but I was a bit scared. So I just stayed at my seat next to my bestie and drank a few more drinks. It's now almost 11pm so I decided too head home. So I gave my best friend one last hug before I headed home. Once I arrived home. I put on my pj's and went to my bathroom to take of my make up and brush my teeth. Once I did that lay in my bed and I couldn't stop thinking about matt...he's beautiful blue eyes, his brown fluffy hair and not to forget muscular body... as I think of him I start to feel sleepy so I shut down my night lamp and went too sleep...

The next morning I wake up at 9am. I garb my phone and see that I got a message from a number I didn't recognize...

~Hi y/n, its matt from yesterday at the bar. Everything okay?~

I couldn't believe it...but how did he get my number?

~Yeah everything okay and you? But how did you get my number?~

I immediately got a response back.

~uhmm that's quite a long story...but yeah everything is fine with me as well. Do you have any plans today?~

~no I don't have any plans today, why?~

~wanna go out tonight?~

~sure I don't see why not, where are we going out?~

~just at the club, it's near my place:). I'll pick you up if you want?~

~sure my address is...~

~I'll pick you up at 8pm, sound good?~

~Sounds great! See ya:)~

~Alright, see ya;)~

Omg! I couldn't believe it! Did matt just asked me out!? HE DID OMG!!! I immediately texted my bestie.

~guess what! Matt asked me out!~

~wow, Chris's brother right?~

~yeah, btw did you know how he got my number?~

~well last night Chris asked me your number cause matt asked for it so yeah I know how~

~alrighty just wanted to let you now cause I'm so excited!!~

~you have a crush on him don't you?~

~uhm...okay maybe I do but look he is a hot guy ngl~

~I'm mean he's cute if you think so but Chris is hotter~

~yeah yeah if you think so, anyways bye girlll:)~

~Bye girl, have fun! :)~

Part 2 will be out soon💋

THope you like part 1 so let me know what you think!💋

[airenyah]

Your essay on Joong's underrated acting skills deepened my Joong appreciation so much, that I watched Mafia the Series, I'm watching Ploy's Yearbook (even though there is a serious lack of Joong so far), and I'm planning on watching The Warp Effect too. I haven't watched het shows in over ten years, so this is a big deal! 😂 I really liked him with Dunk in their shows, but MTS gave me another facet of him, because he's so timid in it, unlike in SIMM and HA, where he's (seemingly) very cool and in control. So thank you for making me a full time Joong (and Dunk) girl 💜

i saw this message first thing in the morning when i woke up yesterday and it instantly put me in a good mood!!! <3

YESSSSSS I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT

mafia the series might actually be my absolute fave thai het-show, it's just SO funny!!!! and the entire cast is so great, like, not just joong but the entire cast plays off each other SO well. and don't even get me started on gina virahya and her portrayal of anna kondra!!!!

you know, when i went into mafia the series i saw the poster and was like "ughh i really am gonna have to sit through this standard (overly) dramatic mafia show just for joong, huh. the things i do for my boy..." and then. AND THEN. you can imagine my surprise. i was crying tears of laughter throughout the show and i was actually laughing so hard that my mom made a comment about how she could hear my laugh in my room

beam is my loser boy and joong portrays him in such an adorably awkward way, i love it <333

and yes there IS a serious lack of joong in ploy's yearbook so far :((((

it was quite funny tho bc in the one scene where joong does show up i immediately recognized him by the back of his head, like!! i saw this:

and instantly went "OH there's my boy!!!!!" 😂😂😂

and i can't wait to see him with film bc film did extremely well with gun in not me and i feel like film and joong will also work together really well

you know, i'm always happy to turn people into full time joong (and dunk) girls!!!!!!

i've adored them ever since simm which i watched live from ep2 onwards. fun fact, actually: when i started simm i actually had no idea who they were (even though technically i'd seen dunk in bad buddy already, except i wasn't paying attention to the random high school bandmates and so i didn't actually recognize dunk and only realized later on ahahah)

aaaanyway, i had no idea who they were, right? and so in 2022 my mom and i spent two nights in prague during easter and in the evening we were in our hotel room and we were kinda looking for something to watch. and i was like "hey look, gmmtv has a new bl out and it looks kinda cute and fluffy judging by the thumbnails?? and like something that doesn't require too much brain power?? plus, there's also only two eps out so far, so we'll be caught up right away" and so we watched the first two episodes and then the two of us ended up watching every new ep together every week hahaha

i actually didn't really talk about it on tumblr back then and when you go back on my blog you'll see that there are hardly any simm post. but really, with every new simm episode that aired i liked joongdunk more and more. and especially once the characters started dating i was actually so in awe about just how comfortable joong and dunk were with each other and how they absolutely weren't afraid to touch? like, their physical affection was just so casual, like it was the most natural thing in the world to them in an "i'm-not-even-thinking-about-it-bc-it's-so-normal" kind of way and that was just soooo refreshing to watch?? i was (and still am) truly amazed

and when just a couple of months later, at the end of 2022 gmmtv announced joongdunk were gonna get another show together i got SO excited!! and also when it was revealed that simm was included in our skyy 2!!!!

and then hidden agenda started airing and then i was tagged in that tag game and then i went to watch joong's entire filmography and then i ended up falling into a joongdunk rabbit hole and here we are...

anyway, i have multiple agendas and one of them is turning people into joong fans and dunk fans and joongdunk fans sllksdfd

and my other agenda is getting people to watch mafia the series, bc it's truly a gem of a show!!!!

(speaking of agendas: the only thing that's missing in your message is you telling me that you approve of my fight for a sexy joongdunk vampire bl, like... that would have made the message and the influence of my joong/dunk/joongdunk blogging complete 😂😂😂)

[elegance-and-grit]

3/100 days of productivity

14.09.2023

Habits

🚶 1 hour of movement (45 minutes of biking and 15-minute walk, counts. Let's see how I'll approach this once I am living closer to uni and don't have to bike that much anymore. 0.0)

��‍♀️ 30 mins of sports (Went for a short 20-minute run, but I am letting this count. I trained for a Tough Mudder 10k at the end of august; it was a great success and fun. However, after 7k my knee started hurting so bad, that I had to stop or risk again not being able to even walk without pain for a few weeks (been there, done that). Was quite frustrating, because I had the condition, I just didn't have the properly trained knees. So the plan now is to run a lot but short intervals and increase them slooooowly. The method for now is: September 20mins, October 25 mins, November 30 mins and so on. Let's see if it will help!)

🧘 Yoga (any duration)

🥗 Somewhat healthy food (well, i am giving myself half a point here. Managed three and a half proper and healthy meals, but drank far to sweet coffees and ate two slices of cake, which might be a lot of sugar.)

Study & Work

📚 Read 30 minutes (Nope :/)

✍️ Wrote 30 minutes (Nope :/)

💭 Thought 30 minutes (Nope :/)

💻 Concentrated work for 6 hours (I tried really hard, but yesterday wasn't a good day. Got close to 6 hours but can't really say that it was concentrated.)

I also got far too stuck on some setup issues to debug my patch. Not really sure what the hell I spent my time on there. Feels not well invested. (And that happens to me sometimes, I think I need to start be more pragmatic about what is actually the goal/measure of success and how to reach it). But the setup is now running, so today I can actually tackle the challenge!

Other

I am sitting in a coffee shop writing this, but it's really not romantic, man. The music is far too loud and the customers are somehow really impolite and that makes me very uncomfortable. But hey, got a good coffee first thing in the morning! And now my headphones stopped working.

Fixed the headphones thing with a small power charge, I am a certified engineer after all! But noise-cancelling headphones are sometimes really a life-changer!

The 3-small tasks a day thing is working great for me! Would be funny if this simple approach finally solves my continuous problems with my doom pile. But I am ready for funny.

(My doom pile issues are really not so good, I keep delaying a few tasks one really should not delay, and feel really blocked on tackling them. Not sure why. But I feel good about this three tasks a-day thing. 3 tasks fit nicely on a post-it and the "doom" feeling that happens when I look at my list, doesn't set in.) Even today I realized when I looked at my three points of today, that I was daunted by two of them, but like it was manageable? Maybe my brain was just disillusioned before, always convincing myself that I would get this mountain down in one very productive day. Again, funny.

Had a really nice lunch with a good friend (and a coffee and a walk). If I sometimes ask myself why I don't manage 8 productive hours a day, maybe it's mainly because of 2 1/2 hours lunch breaks or other breaks like this. But not decided on what to do - I like those breaks. Anyone having any suggestions? How do you manage to get your number of productive hours in?

Had a really nice evening with my boyfriend, too. I think we're both becoming more relaxed and it's great. I think this type of evening (with the same kinda setup) would have perhaps been stressful before, but now we managed to make it really nice. Proud of myself here!

Feeling really good and I am grateful for that. Also - I am really happy about every like and follow and more blogs to discover and follow myself. Thank you all lovely studyblr people! So far studyblr really is having a positive impact. <3

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

So, I got to see Luke yesterday for the first time in almost 2 months. It went pretty good, I think? At least on the visiting with Luke part.

He didn't recognize me at first. I mean like, he was super shy and it almost seemed like he didn't want to see me. But he warmed up to me pretty quickly. I got to give him lots of loves and kisses and whatnot. I got to walk around just holding him for like 30 minutes because he didn't want to be in his stroller anymore.

He apparently likes slapping you in the face and also he loves putting his hand it your mouth and like grabbing your teeth. It's hard to explain. But if he does that he won't let go unless you "nibble" on his hand. It was really cute. He also really liked when I jerked my head away from his hand so he didn't grab my glasses. He giggled so much for that.

Anyways, now for the Ratboy part. Below the cut in case people don't want to read about him.

So, Ratboy made a comment when I asked about something Luke wasn't doing. I had simply asked if he was talkative yet, because when I had last seen him he wasn't talkative at all. This asshole... He fucking was like "He's usually pretty talkative. He's being shy because he hasn't seen you in two months. He was talking all the way here!" as if it was my fault. Trying to organize a ride last fucking minute isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. I have a car but not only was I letting some family use it (while I was with Ratboy we just used his car, it was simple), he wasn't giving me enough money to have gas! $40 a week for food, necessities and gas? Like, what did he expect me to do? Go without food so I could fill up my gas tank? Yeah, that's gonna work out great. (Luke did eventually start being talkative with me. His babbling is so cute)

Anyways, so that was at the very beginning of the visit. Then, I bring up my portion of the tax refund. I was talking about how I was going to use it to try and fix up my car a bit and for gas so I can see Luke easier. He then tried to tell me how to use my own part of the goddamn tax refund. Like, this asshole really fucking tried to control how I spent my money. He did send me my part of the refund though after our visit. So I'm going to get my car's tabs renewed because that needs to happen. And I renewed my auto insurance (I got a great fucking deal at progressive by the way, like damn). And I am paying off part of my credit card debt. But I'm keeping it in my account for my own bills and you know what? To buy a few things to treat me. I think I deserve that. I'm also going to be buying a new carseat and stroller to keep in my car for Luke and that will be kinda spendy.

Anyways, after we parted ways I texted him about pictures he took and to send me my part of the refund. But my dad talked to me and basically told me not to make the same mistakes he did with us. He told me to enforce my legal right to see my child whenever I want as his mother who has legal custody of the kid. So, I pretty much texted him and told him that I'm going to start picking up Luke more. I told him I'll try and tell him the day before because I want to at least be courteous, but if I want to see Luke, I'm going to. I also told him that I want to know where he is when he is being babysat as I don't like not knowing where my child is (and according to my dad, that is illegal, keeping my child's location from me). And I also made sure to rub in that I can also babysit considering he's my goddamn child. He asked me why I was being so aggressive all of a sudden... Sorry asserting my rights as his mother is aggressive but it's gonna happen.

I need to tell him that he needs to start communicating better, because this answering texts maybe once a day thing cannot be happening, especially with me seeing Luke more. I made plans to pick Luke up on the 30th so I can go take him to visit my aunt.

OH! Okay and this part. I am Luke's mother. I should be part of planning his first birthday, should I not? I got a Facebook invite to a get together for his party. I haven't been on Facebook, so I had to ask Ratboy what was happening and he said "Oh, my mom sent a Facebook invite." Like... wow. Just wow. Anyways, so I want to plan a party for Luke that my family can come to. But also, I'm going to be picking Luke up earlier in the day on his birthday because I want time with my son on his first birthday where a bunch of other people aren't going to get pissed if I hold him the hold time. I will be bringing him around to my family up here though so they can see him for the first time in months. He still hasn't answered my text about what time would be best to pick him up. So...

I am pissed and trying to deal with this manchild is the fucking worst. I don't know how we're going to coparent when I divorce him, but he's gonna have to figure out communication because yeah... This is ridiculous.

More to come, I'm sure.

[sentientgopro]

Hey y'all, not exactly active on here, especially when talking about myself, but I really need to get some shit off my chest right now. I had a couple realisations yesterday that culminated in some shit I never thought I would be saying or thinking.

I never thought I could be anything but straight. I liked women, so I mustve been straight. Im definately an advocate for everyone giving their gender true consideration, even when most will come out the other side cis, and confidently so, as did I.

Then I realised I didn't like women in the way most straight guys do. Afer clearing up some prior misconceptions about Aromanticism and asexuality, I realised those two labels fit me perfectly. But sometimes I wonder why I still feel a certain way about girls. There's just something about the way they look that's appealing to me, even if I dont find girls attractive...

Oh shit. That wasn't attraction. That was envy.

So that train of thought kind of went from 0 to 10 real fucking fast. This realisation brought to my attention feelings that Ive had for a good while, but have passed off as r/196 induced brainrot. Besides, and this is the biggest thing that stopped me realising this earlier, I dont feel that who I am now is wrong. I look in the mirror, and I see myself. But I've only recently kinda grasped the concept that being trans isn't all about dysphoria, having dysphoria is not always the way to tell. Although I dont think being a man is wrong, fucking hell, being a girl would be much better. And it feels so fucking weird actually typing that.

But what I'm saying is, atleast for the time being, I could manage to just not do anything. Which is for the better seeing as my parents would start screaming at me for saying anything remotely in the direction of being an ally. And I live on TERF Island. Transitioning would be an absolute pain in the ass, especially right now, so it kinda feels like why bother when the way I am doesnt really feel wrong. Transitioning could be quite dangerous and have big risks, it kinda just feels like I dont need that shit in my life, Im already running on fumes and a list of people I need to outlive. I usually hold a mindset of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", but this usually applies to binary things, like if my team wins using the same strat a few times in a row in CS, "Do it again, ain't broke, don't fix", but this is not nearly as binary as that, this isn't a win/loss.

Something that is both comforting and a little concerning is that no matter what, there is atleast a 2 year hold on this. I should be able to go to uni after that and start living my own life, but as of right now, doing something like transitioning is NOT an option. Ive got a 2 year long planning phase and Ive kinda just been taking stock tbh. I don't think "that" period of my life hit too hard, Im still skinny (Yeah, ik skinny =/= feminine but its better than being buff imo) kinda fuckin tall, if my growth follows the same as my brother did which it is so far Im gonna be like 6'3 by the end of that 2 years (6'1 now) so thats probably gonna be more of a mild annoyance than a genuine problem. My voice varies ALOT, I can have a pretty damn low voice, and a bit of a higher pitch, it naturally varies, I normally find I talk in a higher pitch when I'm happier and lower when Im trying to appear more... normal? idk, theres probably somrthing to think about in that.

Honestly idk, theres no real end point to this, I just wanted to talk about this somewhere. As much as I never saw myself being in this position, I use r/196, play ULTRAKILL, and Study Computer Science and want to continue it as a career path, cmon, it was only ever a matter of time, this was inevitable.

[wheat-angel]

Questions 1-5 from the Casual Ask Game for Wheatley if he doesn't mind (@dzvagabond)

(Thank you for the ask @dzvagabond ! You're also giving me the chance to answer this with the two different Wheatley's that I F/O. >:3c)

1. Well, go on, introduce yourself!

Oh bloody- THAT'S what I was forgetting to do yesterday! Sorry sorry, I'll get on with that now.

'Ello there! I'm Wheatley Merchant. Here's a picture of me Ry drew.

(Ignore the date that's wrong now whoops)

Uhhh I'm not sure what else to tell you other than what's on that reference, honestly, kinda already covers a lot, yeah? I mean, obviously I'm the one on the left right now. But that's a given. I suppose th@t'S mE-

...uH, 'eLl0?

'Ello?

Oh! Hi there. Sorry had to connect in to see the question- Oh I thought I forgot something! Well, let me do that now: My name is Wyatt Lee. Sector- Nope, not the MCA, Lee.

Uh, 'scuse me. Force of habit, MCA is where I work y'see. J-Just call me Lee. Anyways, I have a drawing of me and Rylan that she drew... Ah! Found it!

Uh, let's see, I'm 7'0- Yes I'm serious and yes the weather is good up here- and as you can see I'm an android. I'm pansexual and use He/Him pronouns. Uh, I think that's all the basics? Let's see, what's next?

(The rest of Lee's responses will be Purple for the sake of ease.)

2. So, how have you and (Rylan) been? What have you two been up to recently?

Been good! Not really much of note being honest. Except Halloween recently, but we just kinda cuddled and ate candy.

Great! The only thing I can think of is we went to a work party for Halloween with some co-workers/friends. Ry's been going out more and more so I can go to a few parties which I appreciate. I personally love em, but I promise I pay it back in full by equally spending time inside with her. And even if they don't wanna go that's OK too!

3. How did you and (Rylan) meet anyways? What was that first encounter like?

...Back in Aperture. Yeahhh that's uh. I don't think I really need to describe the first encounter besides we were in a bad situation and trying to get out of it. So uh. Skip.

It was when Rylan first started working for the MCA. They got scared shitless when they heard my voice for the first time. Nearly jumped a full foot off the ground... Then apologized when they saw me and said "Sorry, you just sounded like a friend I had." Uh, I kinda didn't get it then, but looking back, they were talking about their Wheatley from their world.

4. So, like, how is (Rylan) as a person?

Ohhh where to begin? She's just- They're so amazing y'know? I mean, they're the whole package of kind, generous, steadfast in her morals, loyal, funny... And she is... So beautiful to me. In like- A She AND gender-neutral way? Anyways, honestly, couldn't ask for more.

Well, I mean, what's not to love? She's smarter than she gives herself credit for, they'll be patient with me, well except for when I'm taking my time heheh. That's- That's a joke. Just teasing. Anywho- honestly I love them for the kindness they got, and the moral compass... Plus their laugh is EVERYTHING to me.

...Also, bonus points for being damn pretty. Like my god- They are a fucking knockout.

5. Any upcoming plans with (Rylan)? Like in the next coming week or even month maybe?

Christmas! And uh- otherwise that's kinda it. Nothing really planned.

Oh, just Christmas. And since we went to a Christmas work party last year, and we didn't go to the Halloween one that year... Yeah you can imagine where I'm heading with this one- doing vice versa this year. Though before holidays come to give us our off days, Ry is trying to figure out presents for our close group friends from work. I mean, I am too. One of them is really hard to shop for- *cough cough* Emmerson *cough* -but we'll get through it and then we're scot free to cuddle up during the holidays.

[iwannaban0nym0us]

hhhhhh I'm such a fucking mess, why can't I just have a boring dance

I am a fucking disaster and I hate it and I feel like there isn't anything I can do about it

so uh background stuff: robotics comp next week = stress, still hopelessly in love w/ my ex (M), part of me really thinks M is dating someone else (A) who there's history w/, my friend (Z) likes someone (J) who is friends w/ all of us and knows everything about my situation

alright, so homecoming was tonight and holy shit so much happened but also nothing happened

to start uh yesterday Z decided that they were gonna get drunk before the dance and maybe confess to J and so while we're getting ready and stuff Z was starting to get buzzed

then we (a group of us including Z but no one else named) went to go grab during and during dinner me and Z came up with quite a plan (literally only the first step of the plan ended up happening) so basically what our plan was is that I would find out if J liked anyone and tell Z and then during a slow dance I would ask M to dance and while we were dancing Z and J would be enjoying the romcom and that would lead to Z confessing and them dancing too, we were so ready to commit to both of us being stupid (but it's fine if you're stupid if you're aware of it)

anyway, the dance actually happened and oh yeah to start I was taking photos because I had a camera and it was fun (and it totally wasn't half an excuse to take photos of M)

it started out ok just kinda bouncing between friends a paying a bit of attention to M, oh and Z being tipsy was fun (also 2 of my other friends were high and one could handle themself and the other couldn't lmao)

then at one point I noticed the way M and A were dancing together (very physically intimate) and I was like fuck no and so I went inside and I ended up finding J and talking to him for a bit and he tried to reassure me that there's nothing happening between M and A and I'm just making it up and then I got the chance to ask if he liked anyone and he confirmed that he doesn't like anyone rn (and he's so fucking lucky)

then more dancing and stuff happened, and then when the first slow song came on both me and A were standing right next to M and my first reaction was "hell yeah time to do my plan" and then A held out their hand for M and after turning away for a second M took their hand and so I turned and walked away and as soon as I wasn't right there I fucking sprinted inside, I'm such a fucking coward

so once I was inside J found me and checked in on me and I was like "are you really sure there's nothing going on" and he tried to talk me out of it and reassure me that they're just friends and so that led to the 2 of us going back outside to dance together, and uh y'know what that gets it's own paragraph

so once we were outside I noticed that M had just disappeared but A was still out there, but anyway me and J danced (stiff armed and platonic lol) and joked about middle school (he liked me then, we danced once, and then one of my "friends" tried to push us to dance again even tho I didn't like him and looking back it's funny but in the moment it sucked) but apparently Z got just a glimpse of J dancing w/ someone and had no idea who

after that I tried to look for M and couldn't find them, and at that point I was concerned about them, I ended up seeing them (without their friends) after a bit and I tried to check in on them and they just told me they were ok and I could tell they were lying

after that I saw them w/ 3 of their friends during another slow song and if A wasn't one of those friends I probably would have tried to ask them to dance but I could tell that there's smth (maybe not dating) going on between them and A

that group then turned into M A and one other person just kinda standing off to the side (still during a slow song) and so I joined them for a bit hoping for maybe an opportunity to ask M to dance but it didn't happen

then i went inside and found Z and was like i need to talk to you and I told them how I couldn't dance w/ M and they were like "well you can join me in being sad, I saw J dancing w/ someone" and so uh I had to explain the whole thing and how it was me and very platonic

the rest of the night i was just kinda mess some dancing some hanging out w/ J or M (and their friend group) or my friends or Z also playing w/ a soccer ball and at one point I colapsed on the grass and ended up talking to one of the freshmen for a bit about several different things (including exes)

after talking to that freshman I also talked to J and another freshman and ended up telling that other freshman probably too much about what is happening between me and M (including who M is)

so and then some song turned on and I saw M dancing and I was like "time to go make a stupid decision!" and ran to join them on the dance floor and J and the freshman followed me and me and the freshman were so not subtle about why I decided to go dance but M is just so fucking oblivious (i literally could do whatever and they have no fucking clue how in love with them i still am)

eventually M and their friends went back to their game and me J and the freshman followed and the freshman kinda made it so that i sat next to M and again we were so not subtle and M had no clue, also like the amount of time I spent staring at them and they had no clue

i feel like that's basically it other than just like me and Z were suffering the whole night because there were so many couples that we could see having fun and we were both just dying, anyway uh yeah i'm a fucking mess and I really need to try and talk to M next week but idk if that can happen because robotics stuff needs to get done!

[dzpenumbra]

5/31/23

Yep, it's late again. XD

What happened this time? I don't know... I kinda panic-rushed to start working on those prototype beads at... 2 fucking 30 in the morning. You know... as one does... And here I am, starting my journal at 4:44 AM, the birds filling the air with their cheerful song, the midnight blue of dawn slowly warming the sky.

The good news? I got a really cool design done on one of the beads. The bad news? My goal was to do 4 of them, and to Mod Podge at least one of them. And I clearly didn't. So... yeah.

The day just got away from me again. Like... ugh. It's just frustrating me. I seriously don't even sit down to have my coffee until like 5 PM, and I'm rarely done drinking coffee before 7. Where do the fucking hours go?!

Like... I barely spent any time in bed! I got up, I did yoga - the lower back and hip one I like - then I did a bit of a workout after, because I hadn't been doing them. I have this ritual of opening the window and then doing the coffee before yoga, so it steeps while I'm doing that. And then, after the workout, I go and make cereal and I sit down and... it's like 4:30. At least.

I mean... I did play Risk of Rain a bit... but just one run to go for an achievement, I don't think it took longer than an hour... Hmm... maybe that did take longer than I remember. Maybe that's the X factor. Hmm...

Welp... after all that, I went and showered. I put a clothes iron and a glass bowl to make another plant terrarium thing with in a cart on Amazon and never ordered it. I made dinner. I played music for a long time. I got really sucked into it too. I even opened Cubase and got ready to record and everything. But... I never pulled the trigger on it. Not until too late.

What's getting in the way? Twitch. I guarantee it. I'm just getting distracted. It's too fucking easy for me, it's so damn tempting. It's improv, it's comedy, it's drama, it's character-driven stories. How can I say no? I don't know, maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself.

I did an intense workout today, I snuck in some work hours late at night and I'm still kicking my own ass about not "being productive". <eyeroll> I need to chill with that shit.

The flowers really didn't have the same level of aroma tonight as they did yesterday... I wonder why that is?

Anywho, since it's so late, I'm just going to move along to tarot. And I'm counting this as work, because I honestly think I could give some good readings for people, and I plan to try in the near future on stream. I would offer in-person, but... I don't even have a table in my apartment. We'll see.

Past - Ace of Wands, inverted (Inspiration, creativity, fresh ideas.  The seed of confidence you need to embark on a new creative journey.) Present - Six of Cups, inverted (Nostalgia, memories, past relationships.  Learning from and reconciling with the past, to create a better future.) Future - IV: The Emperor (A powerful, dominant, strategic and protective figure of great influence and reach.  Symbolically, important changes, a shift in power, new responsibilities or authority. Adjacently symbolizes stability.)

I swear I shuffle and cut these every time. I even looked through the top of the deck to see if there were any other familiar cards from last night there. I guess these symbols are important!

So... last night we explored my connection between the Emperor in Past... and an inverted Ace of Wands in Present. Now we're looking at that inverted Ace of Wands as the catalyst. My inability to access my creativity: having creative block, me restricting or censoring myself, whatever the reason... That leads to a dysfunction in my ability to reflect on the past. Something gets fucked up there. Or... my nostalgia turns dark... That was the first thing I felt when I learned what the card meant. Like... how I struggle with nostalgia because... it's rarely good memories. It's like a minefield of trauma and painful emotions. So... I'm guessing my lack of confidence in my creative self can be a direct route to that. And... if that's out of whack? The Emperor comes out. I mean, why wouldn't he. He's the father figure, the protective guardian, the lord. And, in essence, that's not necessarily a bad thing... but... if we put that in the context of the reading last night about the Emperor having a strong tendency to cause inverted Ace of Wands to happen... That's a feedback loop right there.

When I struggle to connect with my creative spark, or lack the confidence to engage with it, I end up looking back to the Past in ways that are... not helping. Hopeless longing, or dreading, even spite. "I didn't used to be like this." "I never used to struggle like this." "I used to have friends to help with this." Shit like that, which just sends me spiraling into all the shit that comes with those memories, all the attached nightmares, all the ghosts haunting those houses. And the reaction to this? The Emperor comes out to keep order. The "alright, what's going on here, we're supposed to be working, right? How productive have we been today? What's on the whiteboard? You can think about that stuff later if it's important" voice. And he's good at keeping emotions at bay... for the moment... But what last night said was... when he comes out... it tends to actually either reinforce or even cause a blockage between me and my creative spark. Or, at very least, my confidence to take creative risks. And this can result in a great outpouring of emotion. Ironic, eh? XD

Welp... that's a bit of a cluster fuck, isn't it? Hmm... so... if there's anything I've learned this week. I gotta work on my inner parent. I need to let myself wander a bit more, and be okay with a few days of meandering. I need my inner parent to focus more on... constructing larger scale plans. Like... some form of day structure... like developing strategies to get to bed earlier, constructing hypothetical scenarios where I'm working and enjoying myself, finding ways to get me outside more. Shit like that. And less... self-policing. If I had a good foundation, a healthier framework, I wouldn't need to self-police at all. So... that's my solution. Instead of going "oh no, don't ever listen to the Emperor" or whatever... to give little tweaks customized to how I know my personality works. Something that seems doable.

But for now, I'm off to bed.

[sweetswesf]

Check In

What I Did Today

Got some workout pants

Canceled interviews I knew I didn't want to waste my time on; going out on faith that I need to just finish these lessons, get prepped, and the opportunity that is for me will be there when I am ready

FINALLY learned one my gym crush's names! He's soooo cuteeeee!! I be peeping him wit my bad sight...IDK what it is about getting on the other side of 28, but I run into SOOO many people younger than me...and it's sooo obvious, even without talking to them...yes looks, but even more than that...hard to explain lol...I don't know his age, but I figure he's probably younger...anyway, I get excited for him to greet me when I go in...I be looking a hot mess, but he don't reject me as if that's the case...he asked me what my Thanksgiving plans were...convo went like this:

Him: Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?

Me: No...You? :)

Him: I'm going down to my hometown.

Me: Oh! Where are you from?

Him: Bakersfield

Me: BAKERSFIELD!? That's a push!

Him: Yeah. I used to do trucking *makes hand gestures as if he's steering a wheel*

Me: *thinking - 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!?* Oh okay...Well enjoy! What's your name?

Him: Angel *reaches out his hand to shake mine*

Me: *gives heart eyes but also damn there knocks down the scanner (WHY AM I SO AWKWARD?!)* I'm [MY NAME] :)

Together: Nice to meet you (maybe I imagined that part lol my mind kinda went blank...he had a nice grip!!!)

Me: *waves and walks away* SEE YA!

Before today, I told myself, "Life is too short! Tomorrow, ask that guy what his name is!" I didn't that next day, but the day after, HE set himself up so I didn't have to stress too much about how I was going to ask him!! <3 I'm WAYYY to old to be so nervous talking to people!!!!!!!!!!! Le sigh...

Which reminds me...I got invited to an event run by the only two guys I've had sexual intercourse with...they make me incredibly nervous whenever I see them around randomly in this "smaller-than-you-think" town; maybe I told this story here, maybe I didn't...but I thought for a second about going and trying to look my best, and then I thought, "[MY NAME] don't be so damn desperate for validation or to close a chapter or prove that you CAN hold a convo with either of them without letting your memories overcome you and imploding!"

Yesterday went to a trivia bday party...some ex-colleagues were there...it didn't hurt me to share...Sometimes I worry about financial stability, but I have to remind myself that I have a lot of support around me and I know the best is ahead; One thing I nerded out on: before trivia, I wanted to finish up AlgoExpert’s video on memory. Its main focus was on binary numbers. During trivia, one of the questions was, “What is bit short for?,” and although I didn’t know the final answer (binary digit), I did get partial credit because I figured binary had to be a part of the final answer. It was literally the subject of the video I had just pushed myself to watch hours before, not even knowing that would be tested. Reminded me that even if I don’t master stuff, I’ll help myself get 80% of the way there if I try harder and that may be good enough. Reminded me that the effort isn't as big as it seems. Glory be to God! It is only through Him that I’ll get there!

Signed up for a free therapy session

Pushed myself to complete an AlgoExpert video...took me 2 hours with notes & breaks

A few days ago I had a bit of a panic attack...I come down by praying, sitting up, and watching a sermon; I reached out to fam in the midst of it too...I know there's some work I need to do to forgive and get on with my life...I didn't get the response I hoped, but I feel good I did it because it felt like what God wanted me to do; I still have not told them I was laid off...part ego & part protecting them from worrying or feeling they need to fill some financial burden

I got sort of what I wanted on Hinge: a tall Black tech company founder around my age who speaks French...only, he is not attractive to me looks wise...and that's hard...not sure if I should start chatting with him to keep him in the roll-a-dex...I don't get butterflies like I do when I think about gym crush...I'M going to be really wealthy...I don't need anyone else's money, but for marriage, it is a must have because marriages are about so much more than just love & attraction alone...

Doctor's appts & blood work yesterday all came back good, thank God

What I Learned Today

Big O Notation refresher

Feeling

Encouraged; It's easier for me to get started with these videos...I find that it's so much easier to stay consistent when the content is in video format with adjustable speeds...I do the same with listening to tech articles on Medium

I now don't feel so bad about taking 2 weeks off after being let go like I once did...I just wish I would have GUILTLESSLY took that time off...a RESET was necessary, and I already feel better getting more sleep in regularly and getting workouts in...my balance will be better after all this is over, thank God

Reminded that my prayers are getting answered...

A bit concerned about the slight...idk if I can call it confusion or dizziness...I get after workouts...it's not incredible, but it feels like I am a bit slower sometimes, but I don't know if that is me being hyper aware...doc says she doesn't think it's nothing and I've now been rejected 4 times for an MRI or CT scan so...I'll just be praying that I'm okay

Takeaways

It's coming

I NEED TO GET OFF OF TWITTER! IT'S SO TOXICCCCCC!!!

I should stop being such a hypochondriac; worrying does NOT help anything

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut Today

Allowing myself to complete errands and holding myself to finishing at least one video; pushing myself

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

[nathank77]

6/18/24

2:19 p.m

Well I took the second tiny piece of xanax at like 1:25 a.m. I closed my eyes around 1:50 a.m and I slept solidly until my alarm went off at 8:15 a.m. I could have fallen back to sleep but I didn't let myself so I only got like 5 hours and 45 minutes of sleep maximum. I'm sticking to this schedule and give up time for an all nighter is 4 a.m. I will take my xanax at 10 p.m tonight. And everyday from here on out. Obv I'm taking a 1mg tonight bc of my testosterone shot tomorrow.

I will try to go back to a half mg on thursday... I doubt it'll work I'll have to prob accept my tolerance raising. I'm not going back to my old circadian rhythm. I refuse. I get so much more done I can make phone calls I can go places. So we will see how it goes.

I'm about ready to kill myself tbh. I'm starting to care less and less about myself. Sure I'm taking care of myself and trying really hard but I'm sick of panicking about sleep. I'm beyond sick of hallucinating constantly. Despite all my efforts and everything I do I hallucinate constantly bc I can't get out of this fucking toxic environment.

I couldn't be any more functional than I am other than working tbh. Atm I'm doing some laundry. I still got that last box of stuff from the attic that came from my dresser i can't do it today cause my mom needed to do some laundry. I started my good clothes when I woke up so I can finish that.

I went up to the attic and took all the stuff from the keepsake pile in the hallway and organized it in the "clean room" keepsake pile. The hallway is ready for the storage bins that are coming Friday. I'm done with the attic until then. Not including washing those clothes but I'm not going back up there until Friday.

I somewhat regret going up to the attic first I didn't realize today was so hot. I showered when I came downstairs cause I was drenched and felt nasty and I was going to go grocery shopping today instead of tomorrow to expose myself to sunlight since my testosterone shot is tomorrow but I would have showered after I sweat in the car so I'll just go tomorrow.

Now I'm re-doing my posters in my room. My old set up when I first moved in never got changed when I moved my furniture around the first time and then after getting my new furniture. So why not. I got to keep myself busy.

Dad never called me back I left a voicemail yesterday.

I'm legit more functional than I've ever been yet my brain won't recover and sleep has to be an accomplishment... and now I'm worried about raising my tolerance I never really wanted to do that. I just wanted extra for an emergency. I planned to be throwing out the old stuff next year as I accumulated more emergency pills....

I'm so fucking lonely. At this point I'm doing the attic and organizing my life so when I kill myself my family won't have a mess to clean up. I mean sure I'm going to keep trying for a while but let's be real:

1) I'm on disability for ocd bc it's BAD

2) I'm trans and it's not 2050 or something people won't give me a chance.

3) I hear voices... and yea I can keep it a secret for a while but eventually I got to tell them and it could make then run for the hills....

4) I live with my mom and am poor for life.

What do I have to offer someone? A guy who talks and cries in his sleep from ptsd. A guy who can't work. A guy who can't even wash a dish. A guy who would only serve the purpose of a stay at home dad. Women want a provider. In this economy I mean it's kinda hard not to have both parents working.

I'm never going to be a father. I'm never going to be on a birth certificate. I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to have not toxic people in my life. And when everyone starts dying I'll regret that I didn't spend more time with my toxic family.

I'll never stop hallucinating. Sleep will never be a given instead of an accomplishment and I can't work on my ocd with this voice. And beyond that if I kill myself Kristen loses her license. .

I mean all I'm saying is no I'm not planning it but one more all nighter. I mean if months keep going by and I find no girl to talk to. If I don't see changes I'm done.

My life is intolerable. I have nothing but a roof over my head and a pot to shit in. That's it. I thought at 33 my life would be more than this. It isn't. It's never going to be.

I think about what I have to live for or look forward to. My siblings who will start to hate me Connor is already.. and then the idea that someone could love the shattered pieces that I am. That someone can see a mosaic instead of broken peices but they won't.

This is my life and it hasn't changed and never will change and the only ways in which it will change is for the worst. I thought Massachusetts was the worst thing that ever happened to me I laugh now. Microsleeping and auditory hallucinations that never end is and I don't want to pretend I'm alive anymore.

I'm not living. I'm surviving and that's all I've ever done. And it's all I'll ever do.

I'll never go on a vacation. I'll never experience anything but misery and it's just fact.

[imnotdoingmuchbetter]

it was my birthday 2 days ago. me and my partner went to a mall, hung around for a while and went to see dune 2. i did not like the first movie, and the second one was mediocre for me. i felt awful for expecting more, i guess. he did buy me a bag from germany, and honestly it is the best birthday present that ive ever received, but a small scale mall date, with his ankle injury, made me kinda upset. he couldn't really walk, and i didn't really want anything from the mall. it was upsetting.

my two roommates got me a flower in a vase. the flowers were cute, and they smelled good. the note they wrote was cute too. but i just thought it was forced because i bought them both flowers for their birthdays. i thought there were some unsaid things between us. and i am alone.

my last birthday, we went to a fine restaurant with my partner and ate my favourite meal, sushi. it was a great date. but this one kinda blew. i don't know if that's because he's getting bored of me, or spending time with me. he did not even dress up. a couple of years back, we had planned a movie date in my car. we weren't going to do anything fancy, so i wore comfortable clothes. he fucked me up for not dressing up, which has been hurting me till this day. two days ago, he wore sweatpants and a t shirt.

yesterday, i couldn't wake up for school. i was supposed to wake up at 6 and i woke up half past seven. it was a first for me to miss practicum. i am keeping a happy face. i don't know if it's because of my pills or because im used to it by now, but i am keeping a happy face. i do not feel anything. i feel awful. i don't want to live. i want to live forever. i just want to sleep. and i want to read something to keep my thoughts at bay. i don't even know if i should talk about this with my partner. he will not get it. he does not get it. i want to be free