#I know I’m probably way oversimplifying a lot of things. but it’s how I feel at least.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I don’t understand how politicians can live in a country and just. Be so removed from important issues. Be so removed from what people want.

[encasedinobsidian]

Thoughts on writing - June 16 

I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I meant for this tumblr to be specifically for my writing after all, so I figure this is the place to put these thoughts, and anyone is welcome to read them if interested. I’m just reflecting on myself as a writer, how I relate to this hobby, and about feeling discouraged/lacking in meaning, and trying to figure out where to go with it when there are no clear paths ahead. 

I feel like I vent to my friends often but never really try to articulate my thoughts the way I do when I actually write, so maybe writing about writing will help me sort it out for myself. 

I never meant for writing to become much of anything at all. I started writing a fanfic, thought it was funny, and my intention was to post it and move on like I always move on from any other hobby, following the same pattern of interest → hyperfixation → creating something → getting bored → discovering something new. I had no experience with writing or fandom, and it was thanks to a tiktok on my FYP that I even discovered Pedro boy fanfic in the first place, though I found it insanely weird at first. My eventual amusement obviously turned into something much more significant, and I’ve found a lot of personal healing through writing, discovered different sides of myself, developed the ability to sustain the attention needed to read a full length book, etc. I guess the difficulty is knowing where to go with it. 

It’s funny - I frequently find myself thinking this sucks, why am I doing this, nothing interesting will come of this, my brain is empty, fuck this, about writing. And I say those things but then I write anyway. I say I’m done with it and thanks for the past 15 months, I’m out, and then a few hours later I’m on my doc coming up with something. I can’t really stop at this point, it’s like my internal monologue got a physical manifestation and now it’s something I just do. At any given time, I can open my docs and add something to some story, regardless of where I am. It’s like a reflex at this point, and I have no control over it. I put my hands on the keyboard and things just come out one way or another. 

I frequently feel like I’ve reached the end of my own ability, though, or the end of what I’m capable of creating. I was never an avid reader, so there’s a foundational understanding of storytelling that I largely feel like I don’t have. I’ve read more in 2024 than I have in my whole life, actually finishing books instead of reading the first quarter over and over, so I essentially feel a bit dumb or lacking in knowledge about what makes a story interesting. I really, truly have no idea what I’m doing, I don’t know any conventions I’m supposed to follow. I pretty much know the concept of “showing not telling” and that’s it. I also know the typical series buildup of the angst peaking, conflict, resolution, which I'm now trying not to do so I don't repeat myself too much across series. I’ve also read a lot of things (both books and fics) that I very much enjoy but that don’t match my inner voice at all really, and ended up feeling less than as a writer because certain styles of writing don’t come naturally to me. Reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis was the first time I read something and thought, wow, this actually reads very naturally to me, especially after a year of feeling like my inner voice is wrong or oversimplified or dumbed down. 

And even though we all write for ourselves, we are all affected by our audience. I’ve been sort of brutal in unintentionally cutting down my own audience by moving platforms and no longer writing the things that gained me my following in the first place, and I guess I’ve done it as part of my constant, neverending, extreme need for authenticity of some sort, and a hatred for being boxed in or expected to do things I don’t want to do. Truthfully, I don’t know what my audience wants from me, and even if I knew, I probably wouldn’t be able to cater to it. If I put out a poll and asked what people wanted to see from me, the overwhelming majority would likely say Joel Miller with no real specifics on what type of story they’d want to see, or they’d want my rendition of something they’re already familiar with. And there’s nothing wrong with that at all, I’m very flattered by everyone enjoying my takes on that man, but I guess I’m in this place where I’ve spent so much goddamn time on writing and I need to figure out who I am as a writer completely outside of that. 

One of my writing colleagues said that I’m very mercurial, and I’d never thought much about that word at all despite how well it describes how I’ve been my entire life. I can never seen to make up my mind on things, and I’m frequently changing, removing stuff, my writing style changes as I deepen my understanding of the story, my characters etc, as I take more things into consideration and expand my own view. 

To put it in Patrick Bateman terms: this reflection…. Has meant…. Nothing. And it’s true - there is no real meaning to it, cause it’s me sitting here at 6pm, looking out my window and trying to find meaning and direction in a hobby that is a completely open landscape, and where it seems like publishing is the only real goal one can have. Either that or internet success. I don’t know, I’m not sure where I’m going with any of it and who will want to read it. I guess I have a fear that everyone who has ever followed me only wants me around as yet another source of endless Joel fic and that nobody really has an interest in my writing for what it is, or for the writer I am. I don’t try to be like anyone else - everyone sees things differently, and my fics are just a representation of how all these different scenarios look in my mind. My hope is that the people who enjoy my writing regardless of characters enjoy my writing because they enjoy my POV, or enjoy the attention paid to the things I emphasize. 

Maybe I’ll come up with something more concise next time, but this has been my writing journal entry for now !! 

[zephamello]

What do you think of Baylee aka the statue?? I wanna know cause he’s my bfs favorite and I’m curious with your thoughts and aus :3

Baylee's mah baby ngl LOL

He's really an underrated character and I wish he got a little more attention. I really like his og polo (the one with the gray) and the one from the remake too. The gray gradients really help establish the statue-look! And I love the style of his hair lol. For the remake, the floating head is creepy as shit and I LOVE IT SMMMM <3 <3 <3 He lowkey had a glow up. I wanna hug him and the bot on Character.ai of him that asked if he could hug me helped me accomplish this so hell yeah, we love hugging sentient statues

Also Baylee is such an adorable damn name for a male, it's so innocent and sweet. Fun fact about him in my AU, when I first every found Baylee it was before he had an official name and it was in a Tiktok video that's been lost to the void (I'm gonna recreate it lowkey) and it had the caption "spit yo shit Troy!" and then it said "Troy:" and showed a clip of Baylee doin his thing. So I named him Troy! Until he got the name Baylee, but I really liked both names so I decided to make it his middle name, so he's now Baylee Troy :3

His og sound is absolutely superb too, it sounds like someone knocking from inside a statue. and the high energy and tempo of it in the joyed mix is just AAAAA I love it so much it is such a vibing beat. And the way his sound for the remake is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BUT IS STILL A BANGER AND GOES WITH THE VIBE OF A STATUE WITH A FLOATING HEAD??? Bro Baylee does NOT miss we love Baylee we love Baylee so much

The only thing I don't like is that one remake. It just... removed a lot of his key details and oversimplified him. I didn't like a lot of the redesigns for the og Orin Ayo tbh ldjknfkldjb and his was honestly probably at the top of my list for worst redesigns LOL-

I just really don't like this version it doesn't feel like Baylee. The gradients really did a lot for his design and he just feels flat without them

Also for my AU! The cult gave him half-assed legs to get around on (when they promised good ones), so he kinda just waddles around with no arms. It's like tying your knees together and trying to walk, that's how he walks. He is a huge sweetheart, a very kind soul, and had a quiet crush on one of the other patients that he formed a friendship with bc this particular patient was the ex of Tab's new partner, so Tab and this patient had beef that made the patient feel bad about himself. Baylee has a small grudge against Tab because of that, but aside from that he's very sweet and kind to all.

Here is my art of my version of Baylee! <3

[arleney]

okay so I would consider this unsolicited advice except you sort of asked for advice, so here we go...

One of the worst parts of this kind of relationship is the onus it puts on you. Like a fuckboy or a disappointing parent, this situation with your friend is designed to make you feel like you need to be more - more understanding and more laidback when they do it, and more charming or more interesting so that they don't want to. What happens then is that you are so focused on examining yourself that you tend to overlook their bad behavior.

My attitude on these kinds of relationships are the same as a job interview, because in many ways the set up is the same. There is a situation where you are emotionally invested, where there is a clear thing that you want out of it, and so often we get so caught up in wanting to present ourselves as well as possible that we can forget to look at the person across the table and ask "what am I getting out of this?"

My suggestion is that you just pay attention. Try not to focus on how happy you are to see them again, but focus on what they are like now. Are they asking you questions? Do they sincerely apologize for their behavior or do they make excuses or try to sweep it under the rug so you can just 'move forward'? Are you having fun or are you so stressed about not wanting to do something to 'trigger' the bad behavior? Are they fun or interesting anymore, or is it nostalgia that is fueling the excitement?

I hope the answer is that they are interested and interesting and sorry, but if they aren't, another trick I use is come up with percentages in your mind and then weigh them. How often are things good, and how often are things bad? When they are good are they really good enough to make up for the bad or are you just relieved?

This is a lot of nonsense and it is also presuming the ability to look practically at a situation that is inherently and overwhelmingly emotional. So really, if you can do nothing else, remind yourself of how badly it hurt when they ghosted you in the first place, then think about if someone treated someone you loved the way this person treated you. Is what they are doing now enough that you would suggest that person forgive them?

I hope it goes well, but just remember you're lovely & there are plenty of people who wouldn't need to be reminded of it.

I did ask for advice so I do appreciate this!

She apologized in her first message, but she has always apologized so I’ll have to see if it feels sincere. Apologies are good but if you don’t actually change anything then it doesn’t really count. I used to get lots of “I’m so sorry I’ve been MIA for the past several months let’s try to get together soon” apologies and she probably fully meant all of them, but then instead of working on it she just stopped responding or reaching out.

So the reminder to not put this on me is really helpful. I do default to becoming more accommodating.

There are some extenuating circumstances that I understand and relate to—I too have dropped off the face of the earth when I was going through things—but actually hearing from her reminded me how long it’s been. And, when you know you’re breaking something you have to decide whether it’s worth fixing and she decided it wasn’t. I oversimplified a more complicated situation because it does boil down to her ghosting me, but there was an. event. that should have been a wake-up call for both of us. She apologized (hah) but nothing really changed.

But yes! Coming at it as a job interview is a good idea. I love her and my stupid heart considers her a friend, but she is basically a stranger at this point.

Hearing from her was worth it for proof of life. I hope she shows up and I hope she’s doing well. We might not become friends again but I’ll be so glad to know if she’s happy.

Thanks for this, you are also lovely 💙💙💙

[gogtopia]

how're u feeling jules :(

i was gonna give a meme answer tbh but i figure i should say something. i’m sad. and disappointed. but i’m not necessarily surprised. even if i tried to keep my blog more uplifting and positive i did have a feeling that this could be the case and had some conversations in private about it. i miss those friendships that i really cared about but i grieved them weeks ago

as much as i want to see the best in quackity because he’s like tied with george as my favorite streamer, i do think he’s being extremely immature in this situation. if an old friend reaches out to you personally about something like this, the right thing to do is respond to them regardless of how you might feel about it. i want to see the best in him because i’ve loved him for so long and i think that people claiming that he’s dropping dream over drama are probably oversimplifying it. idk i feel that quackity’s work has historically been unintentionally overshadowed by others and not taken seriously so it makes sense why he’d freak out when his more famous friend announces such a similar project to his own. but i can’t truly know his thought process because i’m not him and neither can anyone else, whether they’re a fan, hater, or something in between. i don’t think anything can excuse how disappointing it is that he can’t even respond to a discord message from someone he has been friends with for three years. i doubt that he revels in the toxicity of parts of his fanbase (i think that’s a pretty extreme take, and i’ve seen it from both sides) but at this point he should make an effort to put a stop to that behavior, especially when someone privately made him aware of it.

so yeah, i’m pretty disappointed. i still hope that quackity sees those tweets and actually talks things out with dream, regardless of the conclusion. i think when you lock yourself away in a bubble, it’s easy for negative feelings like resentment and jealousy to brew. a good honest conversation would do everyone some good, even if it means going their separate ways afterward (though selfishly i hope the friendship is salvageable, especially because his friendship with george is always something that meant a lot to me)

honestly as for me, idk whether i’ll change what i post or not. i’ve been posting less in general and the past few days i’ve been both busy and fairly focused on other content (i just don’t rlly post about it). i’ll probably wait to see this through before i make any dramatic changes to my blog or make up my mind in any way because i honestly don’t know fully how i feel and i think that the dtblr community knows well that sometimes taking an extreme stance against a creator that you used to love while emotional can lead to some regrets, to say the least. this is probably all i will say about the situation. i seriously doubt i’ll ever turn into a quackity anti even if i don’t agree with him in this situation (though i may end up taking a step back from his content idk) and like it says in my pinned, i try to steer clear of cc neg across the board so you don’t have to worry about seeing any vitriol directed at him here

[graylinesspam]

I’m still trying to define my asexuality for myself, and your posts have helped clear up that definition, I think. How did you come to defining your own? If you’re comfortable talking about it, no worries if not

Honestly, i am very uninterested in strict definitions. Instead of making things overly complicated by trying to define exactly what it means to me, I have oversimplified. Asexuality is non or very little sexual attraction.

I don't see the need for making it any more complicated than that because I generally don't bother to explain myself or my sexuality to other people. I do so on this website purely because I've seen a lot of my fellow ace people, such as yourself, struggling especially in the wake of the acephobic wave that hit tumblr a few years back.

If you want to know about my personal experience trying to figure out what the fuck sexual attraction even is. I'm gonna be real, idek.

I have never in my life seen another person's physical body and thought, "yeah, that arouses me. I'd like to have sex with them".

In all reality i think sex might be a fun activity in the way that like smoking weed is a fun activity. It's stimulating to the senses and the hormones within my body. But that's it. I came to the conclusion that I am ace in part because it is very hard for me to conceptualize sex.

I either find myself thinking of it selfishly as a way for my own orgasms to be achieved. Or conversely as a way to do that for someone else. I have to center one person as the focus of sex when i think about it. Either i am getting or they are. The idea of sex as an activity that two people are engaging in together for intimacy is foreign to me. It seems more like a service being performed. Which i have come to realize is a very cold and sterile way of viewing it.

Even in the most romantic way of viewing it i still see it as just another act of service. I might bring someone pleasure in the same way I might make them coffee before they wakeup. Or cook for them. Or run an errand. Or buy them a gift. It's showing affection but the way i view it seems to be surface level to the way that others do.

I say that I am neutral to the topic of sex because I honestly don't care about it half as much as everyone else seems to. It's just a tool.

And because i don't experience attraction to people i don't experience the tolerance to them and the side effects of sex that other people do. There are no rose colored glasses. I don't like excessive bodily fluids. spit and sexual fluid doesn't become less gross. genitals don't become less weird. the concept of sticking your genitals together for stimulation doesn't become less bizarre. Some allosexual people talk about experiences where they're "brought out of it" or "icked out" basically turned off and suddenly bothered by the sexual process. Well I am never turned on by my partner and therefore am always kinda there.

Which isn't to say I can't enjoy sex. it's just that engaging with another person has so many caveats, and stipulations, and downsides that i find myself very unmotivated to engage with it.

I don't like that sex drive really just means libido, because I have plenty of libido, but I have basically no drive to actually engage in sex. I want to cum. end of story. Everything that gets in the way of that is just a complication.

And of course I feel like such a douche whenever I think something like that. Because it legitimately sounds like dialogue from a narcissistic male lady harassing character in a 90s sitcom.

which is why generally I just avoid it all together. There is something more to sex that a lot of people are looking for, a kind of connection , intimacy, and validation that I cannot provide them.

Whatever it is, I don't have it.

(The tone of this is very frustrated, which honestly, with this topic, currently, I am. But i don't mean to be discouraging. Your experience can be and probably is different from mine. And if it's not...at least we're in this boat together.)

[bluedalahorse]

Rambling? Venting? Idk. Vulnerability. Let’s call it vulnerability.

I don’t know if I want to even tag this because I’m trying to protect my verbal processing abilities right now and my eternal comfort movie Luca is playing in the background, so this isn’t going to be formal or polished the way I usually like to be when I’m posting, but… anyway, it totally kinda knocks me over that there are people out there who insist YR S2 wasn’t well written or Lisa is a bad writer or something because… something something our-oversimplified-version-of-wilmon-is-better-than-canon-nuanced-wilmon or some reason or other.

And I mean, when I say it knocks me over, I don’t mean it surprises me. That feels fairly standard for the internet and fandoms. I’ve been in fandoms long enough to know there’d be people with those takes. But I guess it knocks me over in… a Tired kinda way? A Deflated way? Something like that.

YR is special to me because of when I watched it the first time in summer 2021, and the things that were going on with me at the time. First, I saw it when I was completely burned out on Franchise Media (TM) and like, so incredibly exhausted from the MCU and how much everyone was still talking about it. It was refreshing to watch a show, not based on any existing IP, that delved into characters’ flaws and vulnerabilities, and that didn’t apologize for making you feel emotion and didn’t rely on quips or winking really obviously at the camera or whatever.

Second, I watched YR when I started my MFA in writing for children and young adults. The further I’ve gotten along in my program, the more I’ve felt that young people and adults alike deserve stories with moral complexity. And when we write young people as characters, the more we need morally complex stories for those characters. Teenagers live in a world that isn’t easy to navigate, and we do them a disservice when a story’s moral questions are too swiftly answered. As part of my program, I probably would have thought about issues of justice and human rights in YA lit regardless, but YR really pushed me to think of these issues in writing beyond just “good representation/bad representation.” (Which is important, but not the sum total of what authors should be focused on, and sometimes I feel like members of all fandoms overuse the word “representation” to justify their preferences. Sigh.) ANYWAY I love the way YR consistently resists easy answers and leans into its tensions. I love the way it’s always asking us, do you really want to find catharsis there? Certainly it doesn’t resolve issues by having superheroes shoot lasers at sky beams. I imagine season 3 will attempt to find some resolution for certain long running plotlines, but I also imagine what it doesn’t resolve will have the potential to open up some really interesting conversations, if we let it. Ugh, I just. Love dissecting the craft in this story! I love taking YR apart and seeing how it works.

Third, I discovered YR around the time I started to seriously think about ways in which I might be neurodivergent. (I’m doing my first intake call with a local neuropsych group in a few weeks.) While I have related to various ND or ND-coded characters before, Sara is pretty important to me because she was the first of these characters I connected to while exploring that aspect of my identity. I can see a lot of my child and teenage self in Sara’s arc; I wasn’t a horse girl but I did once beg my parents to send me to private school because I thought I’d be bullied less than in public school (they didn’t send me, because we couldn’t afford it.) I read novels set at boarding schools with a certain fascination because I imagined it as a place I could reinvent myself and be the best version of myself. I now know that I was romanticizing a pretty classist and elitist experience, but as a young person I didn’t really have the perspective to see and understand that. So I feel like I get where Sara is coming from, and I feel like her arc is such an important addition to the themes of the series. Like, we’re pulling the gilded veneer off of a really messed up system! Someone has to be drawn in by all that gold. When criticisms of season 2 boil down to “Sara had too much screen time” I like, can’t even be rational about it ahaha. (I hope people can forgive me this. I’m not saying Sara did nothing wrong, but I’m saying she has an important place in the story.)

Fourth, @heliza24 and I were friends before YR, but we were able to take our friendship to a newer and more exciting level while collaborating on our fanfic. And now we have ideas for original pieces we can write, too!

Idk like. I’m not saying YR or Lisa are perfect. I’ve got my quibbles with like the occasional thing here or there. Season 3 could still let me down. But I love it because it’s a well-crafted story with dynamic characters and resonant themes. I love it like I love Tana French and Elena Ferrante’s novels. I love it like I love Revolutionary Girl Utena and the history of the French Revolution and Socrates’s Antigone and Oedipus. I love it like I love Adib Khorram’s Darius the Great is Not Okay. I love it like I love so many of the songs in Ragtime and Les Misérables. All of which have their own flaws, but really make something in my brain light up and be happy.

I’m not really sure what my overall point here is. I think I just wanted to express this because I am currently having A Lot Of Feelings about other things in my life, and this feels like a place to rechannel them. And maybe if you read this far you got a chance to know me a little better, too.

[paimonial-rage]

i've never used ff.net before, but i get that feeling of people interacting with your fic from ages ago. i used to write on wattpad and i occasionally get emails of activity. boggles my mind.

i love Sharing A Drink They Call Loneliness. the title itself is already chef's kiss. i mentioned in my tags that reader is a great foil for zhongli. teaching him that a life forgotten is not a life wasted is so interesting, especially for someone who lived for thousands of years and has mentioned concerns of stories being lost to time. there is an ounce of truth in it for a human: just because they are forgotten it didn't mean they didn't live their life wastefully.

kind of jealous at people who can just "hear" characters in their head. i have a lot of difficulty with that but maybe i haven't put enough effort? i can vouch that your dialogue is entertaining, kekek. is there a specific reason why you can't write kaeya?

you're right about vilifying people who have hurt you. life is never that simple as much as we want it to be. not that oversimplification is bad, but oversimplification without acknowledgment of complexities is just wishful thinking--to me. i think that's also the area of mental illness people can't romanticise, so it's rarely talked about even though such mental states and its effects are very real.

you briefly mentioned writing a thoma x reader exploring this theme and i am so down bad for it. i AGREE. i've shared this with my friends but thoma is very lucky he found himself in a loving family. his sense of loyalty can go so wrong in bad hands, and i don't think the kamisatos are that innocent either. i mean, hyv probably want to portray them as such, but fanfiction is transformative work for a reason, haha.

omg 4 goals... i wish you all the best with yae's fic. it's definitely a double-edge sword not having a clear picture of what you're going to write. may 2023 be a year we finish a portion of our wips, haha. -- @milkstore

It just boggles me. Why are people reading fics from so long ago? Are they that deprived of cringe content??? I don’t have any works on Wattpad though… which probably is a good thing. There’s a lesser chance of them being found on a dying site… :’)

And despite whatever I say, Sharing a Drink They Call Loneliness is actually my favorite fic. I love having convos like that with my friends. You’re completely right about reader being a foil. Whenever I see Zhongli, I always felt that like… he needs a friend, one that only knows him as Zhongli, and one that can give a different frank point of view. I’m excited to write the companion piece to that one, But It’s Better Than Drinking Alone. But I’m still trying to work out everything in my head. It takes place after his second character quest.

While I can hear character’s voices in my head, I’m definitely not the best at figuring out how they’ll even respond in the first place. If I know how they’ll respond, I can figure out how they’ll word their response. For Kaeya, I NEVER know how he’ll respond to things. So reading your Kaeya fics, it’s just so fascinating. You write him in a way that has me like, “I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!!!!” It’s so in character. I love it!

And you’re completely right about the oversimplifying without addressing the complexities. With mental illness too, it’s easy for people to whine about how much it affects them, but it’s rare people look at the effect their mental illness(es) have on others. Or at look at it objectively and not in the eyes of “oh I hate myself so much I’m a burden :’((((((“

For that Thoma story I want to write, you’re completely right. I don’t think the Kamisatos are as innocent as they make them out to be. I feel Ayaka is aware of everything, but Ayato… Have you ever read his line about preferring dogs? I’m sure all of his servants and the Shuumatsuban are extremely loyal, but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be raised like that. Children naturally want praise and they’ll try their best to achieve it. So to devote their life so loyally only to be treated as nothing better than a dog in the end. And then on top of that for such a favored position of housekeeper and close confidant to be given to a foreigner? I imagine it’d break a person.

And thank you for the best wishes!!! Not having a clear view is killing me. I may write it and then put in a deleted scene…… Idk…. orz DO YOUR BEST TOO.

Answering two asks in this haha

I know right??? People that can write a full story with only a few words… It’s a power that I do not possess. Especially one that has a very satisfying ending and achieves the right level of emotional impact. Even though you deleted your Kaveh fic, I really loved the way you illustrated the reader’s mental state. You didn’t state it clearly, but painted the scene clearly of anxiety-induced stagnancy and how it gets worse the more you stay stagnant.

I really need to do research on romance tho haha. Like… When I first started writing that Zhongli fic, people sent messages wanting there to be romance and I remember sitting there like… “I didn’t write this with romance in mind….” Honestly I have a hard time seeing him pursue a romance with a mortal, let alone any romance in the first place. As of right now, I still am not sure how I want it to end or if I’m capable of having it have a more intimate end. I’ll have to just see where it takes me. orz

And thank you for the offer for beta reading! I actually will take you up on that. I just need to find the time to message you. I swear I have a discord but I always forget to hop on it. I know I said I’d message you a while back, but I still plan on doing it!!!! I just have to get over the fear of sending a message and being like, “Hello, sorry my wips are a tangled mess…. :’))))” I’m just shy lol orz

You mentioned love triangles in your reply to my ask and like… Harems and love triangles are on the same level for me. I will respect your right to torture yourself with harems. LOL I’ve actually lowkey seen a harem irl for myself and like… In love triangles and harems, the person everyone falls in love with are always clueless, but like… THAT JUST AIN’T REALISTIC IRL. Those people know exactly what they’re doing. They just like the attention too much to give it up.

…

That being said… That being said……….. When I see those things happening irl, I don’t really care. I can interact with all of those people just fine. They’re all usually very fun people. But somehow when it is in written format, my brain just explodes and I just, “AAUUUGHGHGHGHGH”

[jdgo51]

The Path to Healing Starts with Confronting Hidden Problems

Today's inspiration comes from:

Get Past Your Past

by Jason VanRuler

Editor’s note: It can feel like brokenness is the title of our stories. Or the ending. But, with God, we can face what we’ve been through, work through it, and truly have abundant life in Him (John 10:10). Enjoy this piece from Get Past Your Past by Jason VanRuler.

"Something I learned early on about remodeling a home is you have to fix even the stuff other people can’t see.

This fact became evident when I was faced with a gross basement wall in a house we were remodeling. The wall looked quite dirty. Normally a perfectionist, this time I reckoned that the best thing to do would be to slap some paint on it and call it good. So that’s what I did. The dirty wall was now “clean.”

This method worked. For a while. The basement was dark, so I just assumed the paint had covered the rough spot and everything was fine. Until the day I walked by the wall and saw that the spot I’d painted over had come through the paint and was as ugly as ever.

What?! I painted over that spot! The problem was that the dirty spot was not just dirty. It was moldy and mildewy. Without my having cleaned the spot first, the paint couldn’t solve the problem. It just covered it up for a while.

Multiplying Problems

A lot of us go through life like this. We see a dirty spot and figure that if we just throw some paint on it or avoid that area of the house, things will be fine. When this doesn’t work, we now have two problems: the original problem and this new problem created by our avoidance.

What I learned from the moldy-wall experience is that you have to solve the problem the first time. Throwing some paint on our issues doesn’t help in the long run. And that’s good, because the problem is important and worthy of our attention.

When I examine my life, I realize how much time I’ve spent afraid and running away from my issues. I think that sometimes when I check out, I’m probably not checking out so much as running away from a scary situation or an unwanted feeling.

While I’m running from fear, I typically find myself lost and alone the way I had felt as a child. It might be oversimplifying things, but I think that at the heart of this fear is a faith issue.

I want to show that inner child that he is protected and that I am an adult now.

I want to change my relationship with fear. I don’t want to keep running away from or slapping a coat of paint over my problems and calling it good.

But maybe it isn’t bad to be afraid.

When I think about it, checking out and running away feels a lot like the night someone tried to break into our house.

After trauma, healthiness requires healing.

A Childhood Trauma

When I was a young kid before my parents’ divorce, we lived in a ranch-style house in a decent area of town. In those first years of my life, I felt safe and protected. Until that one night.

I woke up to yelling and screaming and the sounds of my father running down to the basement. My mother was yelling that someone was trying to break in through a window. Having no concept of what was happening, I felt confused and terrified.

My father eventually came up from the basement brandishing a baseball bat and ran outside to chase the would-be intruder through the neighborhood until he got away.

After that night, my life changed in many ways, but I never slept the same again. I’d wake up terrified, having to check the doors and windows even when I lived on the sixteenth floor of an apartment building.

What’s funny is that I never even saw the person who was trying to break into our house. Nothing happened to me. My father saved the day by chasing him away. Nonetheless, fear followed me. I remained terrified.

I now know that this response is called trauma, but before I learned that concept, I just thought I had lost my mind. It was like being afraid of a ghost that I had never seen. It bothered me for years.

So many of us have experiences that are similar to or worse than this. Something happens that changes us, but instead of seeking healing, we seek comfort, which often isolates us. Every time I checked a window or door at night, it made me feel better only in that moment. It didn’t address my underlying fear or offer any type of healing.

After trauma, healthiness requires healing. Otherwise we go through our lives spending tremendous amounts of thought and energy trying to protect ourselves, even when it’s unnecessary.

Maybe you check a lot of doors and windows in your life because of a legitimate wound, but is that helping you? Or do you need to go back and heal instead? Most of the time healing is what needs to happen.

The good news is that our heavenly Father can handle the protection part if we let Him."

Excerpted with permission from Get Past Your Past: How Facing Your Broken Places Leads to True Connection by Jason VanRuler, copyright Jason VanRuler.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

ace ruggie azul jamil for the character bingo! if four is too much, just ace ruggie and azul is fine!

Character Opinion Bingo for Azul here!

Character Opinion Bingo for Ruggie here!

***Standard disclaimer: These are just my personal opinions of the character(s); regardless of what I may think of them, sharing my thoughts is NOT meant to offend or to shame anyone that thinks differently.***

HEY IT’S J WORD

... Oh, wrong J word 😔 IT’S OKAY, I LIKE JAMIL TOO

I’m going to be real with you, I’ve got a thing for butler/bodyguard characters, and since Jamil is presented as Kalim’s caretaker (kind of like a butler) AND Jamil is professionally trained as a bodyguard (confirmed in episode 6), he checks off a lot of boxes for me. I actually feel kind of guilty for liking Jamil because of those attributes though, since he has stated that he dislikes his position in life 💦 I do like other aspects of Jamil, though! It’s just the butler/bodyguard vibes that initially drew me to him, along with his appearance. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a character with a hairstyle as intricate as Jamil’s??????? But it’s really pleasing to look at (and probably really pleasing to listen to, like just imagine all the little hair ornaments clinking or jingling as he walks)! His eyes are also interesting; they look kind of blank at first glance, but upon further inspection I kind of understand what Leona meant when he said Jamil has eyes that “always glare”.

I think the best thing about Jamil is how... understated he is? He has a resting bitch face, and he acts so unassuming, but when he’s given a chance to speak from the heart, he can be petty and passive aggressive 🤣 which I think is a real treat! As I mentioned in my character opinion bingo for Vil, I love characters who operate under the radar or scheme in the shadows, and Jamil definitely does so it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that I like him. Jamil also gives off those intense “tired mom”, “disappointed but not surprised”, and “I’m so done with this shit” energy, which I find extremely relatable. I feel bad for him when I see him suffering (because I know I would also be exasperated if I were in his shoes), but at the same time I have a sadistic part of me that wants to giggle, thankful that I’m not him right now. If I stop pointing and laughing at Jamil for a second, I’m happy that he finally has a little more wiggle room to act freely; the poor man’s been through a lot and he REALLY deserves a vacation and some freedom.

I think Jamil plays off of other characters so well, particularly when he’s being petty with them or is fed up with playing babysitter. One of my favorite character dynamics is Jamil and Azul; Azul’s eagerness to befriend and/or recruit Jamil to his dorm and Jamil vehemently resisting and firing back… I find it funny in a dry kind of way.

Weirdly enough, I don’t enjoy Jamil as much when he goes unhinged because he makes uncomfortable and unflattering facial expressions when he does ashdbaosydasdsd ALSO, LIKE. I don’t know if this is just me, but Jamil’s brand of “evil” feels like he’s trying too hard????? So it ends up coming across to me as more pathetic than how Jamil wants it to be perceived... especially when he laughs like that and has extended monologues about how great he is and how he has finally succeeded with his plans. It feels like I’m watching a Saturday morning cartoon where the villain is making their speech about how it’s too late to stop them RIGHT BEFORE THE HEROES CRASH IN AND STOP THEM. I’m also not a fan of his Overblot design, especially the weird hair-snake turban and the ink goatee thing??????????? THAT’S SO UGLY AND JAMIL DESERVED BETTER 😭

I think Jamil gets it kind of bad when it comes to fandom takes. I don’t believe I’ve seen anything that outright paints him as a “bad” person completely in the wrong after the events of episode 4, but I get the distinct impression that people oversimplify Jamil’s issues. “Oh, Kalim can just set him free when he succeeds the Asim family”/”Kalim can talk to his dad about it”, as if it’s just as easy to do as Aladdin wishing the Genie free. Kalim himself acts like it’s something can be easily done. It’s not, and to believe that it is as Kalim does demonstrates a sense of naivety. The fact of the matter is that this is something that extends far beyond what Kalim or Jamil can do individually to resolve it; it’s not a problem between just them, but between them and the systems that their families have become so accustomed to. You cannot just shatter or overturn a generations-long relationship just like that, which is exactly why Jamil is forced into a position where he HAS to continue serving under Kalim post-episode 4. Believing that it’s so simple undermines Jamil’s struggles and paints him as someone who was overreacting to a problem that could “easily” be resolved. I think a large part of this ideation comes from EN’s intentional censorship of how dire Jamil’s situation is 💦 which is a shame, as that really undercuts his motivations and how desperate he is… (EN makes Jamil and Kalim “employee” and “employer” not “servant” and “master”. Additionally, EN removes Jamil’s lines about his whole family will be thrown out on the streets if he defies the Asims.)

Another common take I see about Jamil is that he apparently hates Kalim and Kalim specifically (especially seeing as Jamil goes off on a rant post-OB about how much he despises Kalim’s smile and having to serve him). I believe it’s true to some extent, but that it’s also not the entirety of the picture. Why does Jamil hate Kalim? Because he’s forced to work for him? No, what Jamil truly hates is what Kalim stands for, the people who happen to be born in higher social statuses and are ignorant to the struggles of the people below them. He just happens to project his anger at Kalim in particular because he’s an easy target and someone he’s always with. “As long as [Kalim] exists, I will never be free,” Jamil says. Why? If Kalim dies, won’t Jamil just be relegated to serving the rest of the VERY extensive Asim family? Therefore, literally being rid of Kalim and Kalim alone would do nothing to alleviate Jamil’s distress. This leads me to believe “Kalim” in that line is metaphorical and refers to the establishments that Jamil hates, the thing that Kalim represents, rather than Kalim himself.

In episode 6, Jamil demonstrates holding similar vitriol for other people, such as Leona, and expresses disdain toward others and feels as though he cannot trust anyone at all to be competent. He directs a lot of hate to the people around him, but often just keeps it to himself to maintain a veneer of politeness... and I don’t think that’s healthy for him 😔 Good on Leona for talking some sense into him-- Jamil could literally be so powerful if he wasn’t busy blaming others for his own complicated emotions and being held back by his own ego.

I’ve already mentioned that I relate to Jamil a lot in terms of his energy, but even more than just that, I relate to Jamil in terms of his struggle against a society that doesn’t understand or find value in his desire to be free. I’m not going to go into too much detail about my own issue, but I know what Jamil is feeling and how difficult those feelings can be. I know what it’s like to feel helpless and like nothing can be done to help myself when it seems like the whole world and all of its systems were designed to work against you... but I also have way too much pride and too little trust in others to speak openly about it. Maybe I’m thinking way too hard about this or maybe I’m just projecting way too strongly, but Jamil is so much like me that it hurts 😭 I want to break free too, Jamil... I get you, my dude. LET’S BE FRIENDS--

I’m very split on Ace. On one hand, I don’t tend to like immature characters (which, let’s be honest, Ace is), but on the other hand, he has a kind of charm to his brattiness. His bright personality touched with mischief is refreshing, and I particularly adore the voice impressions he does of other characters (they’re really cute!)~ ... But at the same time, I really cannot stand it when Ace talks for too long, because he inevitably ends up doing or saying something to make me regret ever thinking he was cute to begin with (like when he dodges responsibility or blames other people for his fuck-ups). I also do not care for his selfish side or when he speaks without a filter; he needs to watch what he says a little better, because it constantly nets him trouble and makes me facepalm.

I guess I would liken Ace to a little brother? Like, he constantly gets on my nerves, but I end up forgiving him sooner or later because he’ll do something cute or say something snarky that temporarily redeems him right before he does something stupid or terrible again to make my opinion of him do another 180. I just kind of want to squish him into a little pouch and carry him around on my back so I can keep my eye on him at all times and make sure he’s not causing more trouble for himself or for others 😔

OKAY, NOTHING AGAINST HOW ACE LOOKS BUT HE HAS SOME OF THE MOST “GENERIC ANIME PROTAG” HAIR I’VE EVER SEEN with maybe only Deuce being the character that one-ups him in terms of “generic anime protag” hair-ness. It works well with Ace’s cheery (yet sassy) personality, but every time I see him I can’t help but think “Wow, you look like such a protag.” The funniest part about that is Ace acts NOTHING like a stereotypical bland nice guy protag, he’s such a fucking asshole 😂 which, again, I’m very conflicted on because sometimes his asshole-ry or brutal honesty is funny or warranted (like when he calls Riddle out), but other times it’s straight up just mean for no good reason (particularly when he bullies Deuce). 

The ONE thing I will firmly defend about Ace is that he is a lot more clever than people usually think he is. The fandom frequently refers to Ace and Deuce together as “the single brain cell duo” (sometimes trio, if Grim is included in the count), implying that they’re all pretty dumb. It’s definitely true that Ace is lacking in terms of his grades, but that’s moreso because he is too lazy to put effort into studying, not because he is inherently “stupid”. Ace is the REVERSE of Deuce, because Deuce is the one that actually puts forth an honest effort to be an honors student but lacks inherent classroom smarts, whereas Ace is the one that CAN be smart if he applies himself in lessons but he’d rather slack. He is a very quick thinker and an adept liar when he wants to be, and I think Ace deserves more credit for that.

Something that’s been bothering me about Ace is his lack of presence in recent main story content. He was gone for most of episode 4, barely did anything in episode 5 except for getting cursed and being mean to Deuce, and then in episode 6 he gets knocked out along with Deuce, so he can’t go along with Pomefiore for the rescue mission. I was really hoping to see Ace getting jealous of Deuce’s unique magic or feeling left out or useless because he hasn’t gotten his own yet 🤔 With how long of an episode 6 is, it feels so weird having this large span of the main story (even if, in universe, it has only been a few days between 5 and 6) where we get NOTHING on Ace’s feelings post-VDC. Episode 7, it’s all up to you now... Please let Ace reflect on his own actions and question his own abilities or something, PLEASE LET ACE GET HIS UNIQUE MAGIC TOO.

[uncanny-tranny]

so i just learned about biotrans people? basically theyre like “yeah I’m afab but i identify as a transwoman/yeah I’m amab but i identify as a transmale” it really just rubs me the wrong way but I’m curious what you think of it

I know a trans man who was AMAB, actually, and the way he describes it is feeling very disconnected from society's view of manhood, and the desire to forge his own (queer) understanding of manhood. Honestly, he'd probably describe it way better as I am... truly oversimplifying it, but this is a summary of how he describes his identity.

I think the (admittedly very few) people who would describe themselves that way aren't saying things like, "I am exactly like a trans man who was AFAB!" for example, but likely trying to make sense of how they identify (same as all of us).

Generally, I tend not to put all my energy into an identity that is good-faith. If somebody truly finds comfort and happiness with their queer identity, I will support them. A lot of bad-faith interpretations of identity are founded on a mischaracterization/demonization of an identity, and I don't really believe people would identify with something they're making a bad-faith "argument" over.

[cqlfeels]

@lansplaining encouraged me to finish this random meta nobody asked for, so let's talk about Meng Yao, Meng Shi, and 孟母三遷 (mèng mǔ sān qiān), a proverb about good parenting.

A warning: this is super long (even for me!) and is less quality meta and more my ADHD brain jumping around a maze of loosely related ideas. Proceed with caution!

Let me start by briefly going through why I decided to write this, because it’s important. In haunting Meng Shi’s tag in my starvation for Meng Shi content, I’ve multiple times come across the idea that Meng Shi pushed Meng Yao too hard, that she should’ve been more careful with teaching him to seek his father’s approval at any cost, and that she was too naïve. I’ve never reblogged this kind of post because 1) I personally think it’s rude to go out of your way to ramble about how much you disagree with someone on their own post and 2) if this was an isolated incident I wouldn't care either way, so I didn’t want to direct this rant at anyone in particular. It’s more to do with a tendency, primarily (as far as I can tell) from fans who haven’t had much contact with Chinese culture, to oversimplify Meng Shi and make her relationship with Meng Yao slightly disturbing, and I think part of it is due to CQL basically cutting out her entire storyline (so fans simply don’t have info about her to assess her fairly) and part is due to misunderstanding what a good parent is supposed to act like in the context of Ancient China.

[Of course, Ancient China is not a very useful historical concept, not any more than “ye olde Europe” - things change a lot based on time and place - but you know. It’s fantasy. Extremely broad trends are okay in this case.]

Anyway, the idea behind the posts I mentioned is, basically, that Meng Shi (usually through no fault of her own) is to blame for Meng Yao’s obsession with power, since his desire for approval was inherited from lessons she taught him. Just to start with, I’d argue that Meng Yao isn’t power-hungry as much as he craves security and respect, but that’s a different meta. Let’s assume that she really did teach him to be Like That. Was she wrong to do so? I’m not looking for “does that make for a happy, well-adjusted childhood?” or “would you raise your own son as Meng Shi did?” - I’m trying to figure out, would she have been considered a bad mother in the context of the society she lived in? I don’t think she would’ve.

It is surprisingly hard to find texts about the obligations of parents in Ancient China. Their main obligation is to raise filial children, but I feel like that’s not very useful: whether or not parents are good parents, children are expected to be filial, so a child being filial really says more about the child than about the parent. Maybe the parent completely missed the mark and society at large was what taught the child to be filial!

We can assume, of course, that parents were to raise good people, and that by learning what a good person looked like, we could figure out whether the parent was successful, but once again, I feel like that’s pinning things on the outcome, not on the process - the best of parents can end up with an awful kid and vice versa.

While thinking about all this, it took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to remember the story of Mother Meng and Meng Zi, but once I did, it wouldn’t leave my mind - in part because the Meng here is the exact same Meng of Meng Shi and Meng Yao (yay! fun if useless parallel!), and in part because this is a story about how a woman can successfully raise a son by herself.

Okay, so important note: one of the most influential ancient Chinese thinkers is Meng Zi (孟子 Mèng Zǐ), who is known in the West as Mencius. If you've never heard of him - he's perhaps second in importance only to Confucius. When Mencius was still a young child, his father died, so he was raised by his mother, who is usually known only as Mother Meng (in Chinese, 孟母 Mèng Mǔ.)

Mother Meng's story is told in Biographies of Exemplary Women (列女傳 Liènǚ Zhuàn), which for around 2000 years beginning around the 18th century BCE, was the most commonly used book used to educate women. The book is divided into sections, each one showing a different way women could be honorable and good. Mother Meng's story is told in the Maternal Models section (母儀傳 Mǔ Yí Zhuàn.) The story has a few parts, some of which I'll quote, always from Kinney's 2014 translation.

Before I go on to quote it, though, I'd like to establish that Mother Meng's story is so, so famous that even if Meng Shi had never read this particular book, I'm almost certain she would've been familiar with at least the outlines of Mother Meng's story. I'm not cherry picking a suitable chapter from the book, I'm literally going with the most famous story in it because Meng Shi would be most likely to know this one if she knew no other story.

Okay, the first part of the tale takes place when Mencius is a young boy and Mother Meng is a widow raising him.

The mother of Meng Ke of Zou [a different name for Mencius] was called Mother Meng. She lived near a graveyard. During Mencius’ youth, he enjoyed playing among the tombs, romping about pretending to prepare the ground for burials. Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son.” She therefore moved away and settled beside the marketplace. But there he liked to play at displaying and selling wares like a merchant. Again Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son,” and once more left and settled beside a school. There, however, he played at setting out sacrificial vessels, bowing, yielding, entering, and withdrawing. His mother said, “This, indeed, is where I can raise my son!” and settled there. When Mencius grew up, he studied the Six Arts, and finally became known as a great classicist. A man of discernment would say, “Mother Meng was good at gradual transformation.”

According to the translator's footnote, "gradual transformation" is "a childrearing technique, whereby a child is morally formed through daily exposure to correct models of behavior."

From this story comes the proverb 孟母三遷 (Mèng Mǔ sān qiān) - "Mother Meng moved three times." It's come to mean that a parent - especially the mother of a male child - should spare no efforts to provide an environment that will give their child a good education, paying particular attention to what models are surrounding them.

I'm sure I don't need to say if Meng Shi was at all familiar with this proverb (and she would probably be), she must have been very stressed out over literally raising her son in a brothel. (Here I must mention sex workers in ancient China were often essentially owned by the brothels, so literally "moving three times" wasn't really an option for Meng Shi even if she could miraculously pick up another trade.) Meng Shi did however at least try to surround Meng Yao with the accomplishments appropriate for the son of a cultivator:

Xiao-Meng, are you still learning those things lately? [...] The things your mom wants you to learn, things like calligraphy, etiquette, swordsmanship, meditation… How are those things going? [...] His mom’s raising him as a young master of a wealthy family. She taught him how to read and write, bought him all those swordsmanship pamphlets, and even wants to send him to school.

Meng Yao actually talks a little bit about “those swordsmanship pamphlets” in the only time in canon he directly shares memories about this mother:

Lan XiChen, “Your [guqin] skills are also considered quite fine outside of Gusu. Were they taught by your mother?”

Jin GuangYao, “No. I taught myself by watching others. She never taught me such things. She only taught me reading and writing, and bought a handful of expensive sword and cultivation guides for me to practice.”

Lan XiChen seemed surprised, “Sword and cultivation guides?”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, you haven’t seen them before, have you? Those small booklets sold by the common folk. First jumbled sketches of human figures, then deliberately mystified captions.”

Lan XiChen shook his head, smiling. Jin GuangYao shook his head as well, “All of them are scams, especially to fool women like my mother and ignorant children. You won’t lose anything by practicing them, but you definitely won’t gain anything either.”

He sighed in a rueful way, “But how could my mother have known this? She bought them no matter how expensive they were, saying that if I returned to see my father in the future, I had to see him with as much competence as possible so that I don’t fall behind. All of the money was spent on this.”

See what’s happening? Meng Shi cannot physically take Meng Yao to cultivators, but she spares no efforts in giving him the closest thing she possibly can -- figuratively, we might say she moved three times.

Of course, these booklets don’t work, but as Meng Yao says, how could she have known this? The cultivation world is very closed off - think of how the entire Mo household gathers to see Lan juniors, and how Wei Wuxian mentions once that “Cultivation families, in the eyes of common folk, are like people favored by God, mysterious yet noble.” Not just noble, but mysterious. That tracks, too - I mean, they live in inaccessible households and mostly leave to night hunt or visit each other, neither of which is an activity that would allow commoners to get much more than an occasional glimpse of them.

Now, if Meng Shi doesn’t even know that a pearl for Jin Guangshan was just a trinket, if she doesn’t know even the wealth of a major sect, how can she read booklets and decide whether that’s genuine cultivation or not? All that she sees is a chance for Meng Yao to be surrounded by the ideas and skills of the people she wants him to emulate - cultivators - and therefore she does everything she can to get him that chance. Mother Meng moved three times.

Okay, but maybe the argument is not “Meng Shi shouldn’t have pushed Meng Yao to cultivation” but rather “she should’ve pushed him, just not too hard." To that, I present another tale from Mencius' childhood:

Once, when Mencius was young, he returned home after finishing his lessons and found his mother spinning. She asked him, “How far did you get in your studies today?” Mencius replied, “I’m in about the same place as I was before.” Mother Meng thereupon took up a knife and cut her weaving. Mencius was alarmed and asked her to explain. Mother Meng said, “Your abandoning your study is like my cutting this weaving. A man of discernment studies in order to establish a name and inquires to become broadly knowledgeable. By this means, when he is at rest, he can maintain tranquility and when he is active, he can keep trouble at a distance. If now you abandon your studies, you will not escape a life of menial servitude and will lack the means to keep yourself from misfortune. How is this different from weaving and spinning to eat? If one abandons these tasks midway, how can one clothe one’s husband and child and avoid being perpetually short of food? If a woman abandons that with which she nourishes others and a man is careless about cultivating his virtue, if they don’t become brigands or thieves, then they will end up as slaves or servants.” Mencius was afraid. Morning and evening he studied hard without ceasing. He served Zisi [a great scholar whose grandfather was Confucius] as his teacher and then became one of the most renowned classicists in the world.

Notice that Mother Meng moved three times to ensure Mencius would have the highest of aspirations - to become a scholar. But just aspiration isn’t enough. Not by any means. Now that Mencius is actually studying, Mother Meng is willing to take an extreme action to ensure he's taking it seriously. Mencius doesn't have a father to smooth his path to success. He has to learn that aspiring to greatness isn't enough. He'll have to put in the effort as if his life depended on it. And if he doesn't persist in his hard work, everything he's done thus far will be useless. Sounds like a lesson imparted on young Meng Yao, doesn’t it?

A lot of fandom rage towards Meng Shi would apply to China's Best Mom Contender, Mother Meng. She gives her son big dreams, and teaches him how to go about achieving them in a society where failing is easier than succeeding. Yes, it's fair to say that Meng Shi taught Meng Yao to refuse to settle for anything less than being “Jin Guangshan's son, a respected cultivator.” Yes, it's also fair to say that she probably didn't allow him much time to play like children his age did. But unfortunately, in the world of MDZS, poor children probably wouldn't get to play anyhow, the difference is that they'd usually be working, not studying. Studying is a privilege! It’s a privilege Meng Yao could not afford but was given to him anyway, through his mother’s many sacrifices. We can even say that while she was alive, Meng Shi was trying to ensure Meng Yao would one day have a better life, at the expense of a fun childhood - and that's very Mother Meng of her, whatever our modern Western sensibilities might have to say about that.

Finally, I’d skip other tales (which show Mother Meng and an adult Mencius) and go straight to the poem that ends the Mother Meng section:

The mother of Mencius

Was able to teach, transform, judge, and discriminate.

With skill she selected a place to raise her son,

Prompting him to accord with the great principles.

When her son’s studies did not advance,

She cut her weaving to illustrate her point.

Her son then perfected his virtue;

His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.

I’d like to focus on the last verse - “His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.” All that Mother Meng wanted was for Mencius to not completely ruin his life, but he became great. You can so very easily see a parallel with how Meng Shi hoped Meng Yao would be a cultivator but he became Jin Guangyao, Chief Cultivator, styled Lianfang-zun, one of the Three Venerable, hero of the Sunshot Campaign.

Of course you can say “Jin Guangyao did many Very Wrong Things to get there, though!” Which, sure, okay, fair point. How many and how wrong depends on which canon we're discussing, and your own interpretation, but there’s no version of the story in which Jin Guangyao is 100% an innocent child uwu. But blaming that on Meng Shi is just... straight up weird? I don’t see anyone going “If Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted Wei Wuxian, he’d never have dared become Yiling Laozu!” and that’s pretty much the same logic. Would street kid Wei Wuxian have invented a new type of cultivation if he had never been taken in by the Jiang? Probably not, but raising undead armies is very much not something Jiang Fengmian could’ve predicted. In the same way, how could Meng Shi have predicted that teaching her pre-adolescent son “You are the son of a cultivator, act like one and earn your place in society” would’ve ultimately resulted in innocent deaths? How could she predict “You’re not destined to having the same horrible life I did, you can get something better than this” was a bad thing to teach? I quite honestly don’t know.

Finally, I'd like to point towards a much flimsier evidence that Meng Shi did great as a parent. And that is Meng Yao’s love. Nie Huaisang at some point comments Meng Shi is someone who Meng Yao "cherishes more than his life," and I think his assessment is correct.

Even putting aside the fact he built a whole temple to get his mother to reincarnate into a better life, and even putting aside how he refuses to flee the country without her remains, there's still crystal clear evidence that Meng Shi must've done something right. Because a lifetime of people using his mother to bully him doesn't seem to have made Meng Yao resent her. Had their relationship not have been very strong, odds are he'd feel bitter and/or ashamed of her. That doesn't seem to be the case. He's attached to her even decades after her death.

I want to be very careful with equating mutual affection with good parenting, though. When I was a rather rebellious teenager, my mother (in typical Chinese fashion) used to say that parents and children don't have to love each other as long as they're dutiful to each other, by which she meant that a parent-child relationship isn't informed by warm and fuzzy feelings, but by whether you'd be willing to do anything for each other. Specific to my case, she meant "I don't care if it makes you hate me, you will do as you're told because that's what's best for you." (That may also be the reason why people more familiar with Chinese culture see the Jiang family less as outright abusive and more as #complicated, but that's another meta.)

Whether your kid wants to hug you every time they see you is of no consequence to traditional Chinese thought - raising them to be the best they can is all that matters, because at the end of the day, you won't be around forever, but you can definitely set up your kid's life so that it goes smoothly and virtuously. How that's accomplished varies depending on many factors, but to have the goal be "I want my child to love me" rather than "I want to raise my child right" would've been considered selfish as hell.

So even if all that Meng Shi had given Meng Yao had been stern lessons about the need to go get his birthright, she would've still have been considered a good mother!! In fact, she would've been doing everything she was supposed to do, under extremely difficult conditions! (Remember the importance of environment? That Meng Yao grew up to want to be a cultivator despite having probably never even met one speaks wonders about Meng Shi's childrearing powers!!)

But just based off how over the top Meng Yao's filal dutifulness is, I'd go a step further and say that even as she did the impossible, she was also loving enough to inspire genuine affection. This is complicated because children who have present fathers could expect their mothers to be tender with them. The first century BCE text 禮記 Lǐ Jì or The Classic of Rites says that:

Here now is the affection of a father for his sons - he loves the worthy among them, and places on a lower level those who do not show ability; but that of a mother for them is such, that while she loves the worthy, she pities those who do not show ability - the mother deals with them on the ground of affection and not of showing them honour; the father, on the ground of showing them honour and not of affection.

But when the father figure is lacking for any reason, the mother must abandon her tenderness because someone must guide the child, and without a father, the role falls to the mother. A single or widowed mother had to be very careful to not smother their children with affection and raise useless, spoiled kids, or so it was thought. (The presence of Qingheng-jun and Lan Qiren is why Madame Lan can be so affectionate with the Lan boys, by the way - if she was raising them by herself she would've been expected to be much more practical. AUs where she just gets her kids and runs away could do very cool things with this idea. But I digress!)

Where was I? Oh, okay. Because Meng Yao seems to not just respect, but actively miss her, it seems that Meng Shi somehow managed to deal with her son on the ground of both honor and affection, to paraphrase.

So basically, all things considered, it seems not only would Meng Shi have been considered a great mom (if people could look past her being a prostitute, anyway) but she also went above and beyond the bare minimum. She truly spared no efforts on any front to make sure her son had everything your average gongzi would have - someone to teach him and someone to love him, access to education and confidence in his birthright. That she couldn't actually make him a cultivator, that she couldn't actually raise him in a proper home with no one being cruel to herself or him - that's immaterial. Even Mother Meng couldn't control what her neighbors did, only what she taught her son! The key point is Meng Shi tried. She did everything she could to educate her son right. You couldn't ask more of her, and quite honestly, you should probably be asking less.

Of course we can't err on the other extreme and say she was Perfect. Given MXTX only ever writes flawed characters, we can safely assume that if we'd known more about Meng Shi, we would've seen many flaws. Indeed, just the fact she didn't teach Meng Yao the guqin when he apparently wanted to learn it might point to some conflict we don't know enough to speculate about (maybe she focused too much on cultivation when Meng Yao's interests lay elsewhere? Maybe she wasn't able to sufficiently shelter him and he felt it'd be a burden to ask her to teach him anything? Maybe maybe maybe, go wild with your fics.) Nevertheless, I would never hold a female character to a higher ideal than a male character - if the male cast of MDZS can be a hot mess and still be admirable for what they're trying to do, then so can Meng Shi.

At the end of the day, when I look at Meng Shi - and I've made myself a document with all the references to her in the novel canon so I could easily contemplate her life and character - all I see is a woman every bit as determined and resourceful as her son, willing to do everything it took to raise her little boy into the sophisticated and ambitious man he became.

Finally, here's a fun little parallel that I'm 100% sure was unintentional but I still love. I said Meng Shi couldn't have moved three times. She couldn't, but I think maybe she taught her son he was worth moving three times for. Qinghe Nie. Qishan Wen. Lanling Jin. Isn't that super fun to think about?

Alternatively, tl;dr: Oh My God I Can't Believe We're Blaming Women For The Actions Of Their Adult Children In The Year Of Our Lord 2k21, Meng Shi Was Doing Her Best, Chill!

[goosemixtapes]

ok i’ve elected to just Make The Damn Post My Damn Self because i need something to link back to when i inevitably get into arguments about this because i have run-my-mouth disorder. so. slightly-more-generally-applicable companion piece to this post:

“but how can lesbians use he/him pronouns???!?1???”

1: pronouns =/= gender.

one of the arguments i see a lot with this topic is “pronouns = gender, & saying otherwise is transphobic.” i GET this, because pronouns are important & often correlate with gender, but saying pronouns = gender is oversimplified. pronouns are a method of gender presentation - same as clothing, name, & so on & so forth. society genders all of these things, but names & clothing do not prescribe gender. a man, cis or trans, who decides to wear a dress does not become a woman because of the dress; a woman, cis or trans, with a traditionally “masculine” name (ex. bailey, taylor, cameron), does not become a man because of the name. closeted trans people, if they must use names and wear clothing correlated with their agab, are still trans & are still the gender they are.

yes, most binary-gendered people choose clothing & names that “match” their gender, but some might not! think of butch lesbians -- they are women, just deliberately gendernonconforming women. pronouns are the same way -- the majority of men use “masculine” pronouns, & the majority of women use “feminine” pronouns, but this is because pronouns are a form of gender expression/presentation.

“pronouns =/= gender” does not equate to “i can misgender whoever i want.” pronouns should always be respected.

2: nonbinary people can use whatever pronouns they want.

this follows from #1. yeah, i’d say the majority of nonbinary people use they/them pronouns. but not all nonbinary people dress totally androgynously; some present more feminine or more masculine. the same is true for pronouns. nonbinary people may use she/her or he/him pronouns as part of their presentation - think of jonathan van ness (uses primarily he/him) or rebecca sugar (uses she/her along with they/them). this isn’t even getting into neopronouns; that’s a whole different post. the point is that restricting nonbinary people to they/them pronouns really misses the point of identifying as nonbinary: it’s not a third slot in the gender binary; it’s the general state of existing outside or partially outside of it.

(note: cis people can also use whatever pronouns they want. some cis lesbians use he/him; i’ll get to he/him lesbians a few slots down, but i just want to make it clear that sometimes cis people also use pronouns to express gender nonconformity & that’s their business & the same idea!)

3: lesbians can be nonbinary.

nonbinary =/= totally genderless. sometimes, for some people, it does mean that! but not for everyone. see #2 again, on trying to make nonbinary a strictly defined third gender.

(note: this doesn’t only apply to lesbians. this honestly applies to anyone. i’m just talking about lesbians because that’s My Lane.)

lesbians in particular often have complex relationships with gender, & have for literal decades. as womanhood is to a large degree constructed in contrast to & in relation to manhood, lesbian gender has kind of taken on its own thing since we just... are never in relationships with men, ever, which muddles the whole thing up. (also, womanhood is often a generally uncomfortable and muddled thing because of, you know, misogyny, so there’s that.) thus, a lot of lesbians feel disconnected from “womanhood” as an idea.

a lot of people like to protest nonbinary lesbians by saying “but a lesbian is a GIRL who likes GIRLS!!!1!!” yes. we... we know. the thing is, though, that if any nonbinary person identifies as a lesbian, they are probably close enough to womanhood to count as a wlw! the term “lesbian” automatically brings “women who love women” to people’s minds. if a nonbinary person is uncomfortable associating with womanhood at all, literally why would they use that term. it stands to reason that the people who DO use that term feel at least a tangential connection there.

a lot of lesbians define their gender solely as “lesbian.” in my own experience, the ONLY connection i feel toward womanhood is liking girls in a gay way. the attraction i feel toward women is gay attraction - i am attracted to women who like women. i do not want to date a straight woman who sees me as a man. if i didn’t like women, i wouldn’t have this connection & would probably identify otherwise - but i do like women & as it is that’s pretty much... what my gender is. (this is why people may say their gender is “butch” or “femme” -- it’s the same idea of a gender defined by attraction & the way you relate to women!)

for some people, nonbinary does mean totally genderless. for others, it just means anything that isn’t strictly binary. hence why some lesbians may consider themselves nonbinary - not entirely woman, but woman enough to be a lesbian. an example in layman’s terms: you know how “berry” lacroix tastes like it maybe saw a berry, once, from a distance? my gender is lacroix and the flavor is woman.

4: lesbians can thus use whatever pronouns they want.

i think this one is like... a geometry proof. #2 (nonbinary people can use any pronouns) + #3 (lesbians can be nonbinary) makes this one pretty simple. while the rest of this post will be about he/him lesbians, because that’s what i see the most “discourse” about, lesbians can use she/her or they/them or he/him or it/its or xe/xem or Any Other Pronouns They Want. Any.

5: “but why would a lesbian ever want to use he/him pronouns?”

people who ask this are usually asking one of these more specific questions:

“but if you use he/him, aren’t you a man?” see #1.

“but why would lesbians want to use masculine pronouns when lesbianism is about women?” i don’t know. why do butch lesbians dress masculinely? why do they often use masculine names or nicknames? it’s about the deliberate gender nonconformity, something that has been central to lesbian communities for literal decades. pronouns are another form of presentation (see #1); using pronouns other than she/her is another form of nonconformity.

“masculine clothing and names i get -- but why pronouns? that feels a little much.” i do get this! i used to feel the same way! but the criteria for being a lesbian is like... 1) not a man 2) a woman or at least sort of connected to being a woman (see #3) (yes, this includes trans lesbians, who are not men) 3) attracted to women and not men. that’s the criteria. that’s all.

& i would like to think that some of you have the best intentions. but i would really, really caution you away from trying to disqualify people from iding as lesbians because of the pronouns they use. saying “well, clearly lesbians can wear masculine clothes and have masculine names, but the pronouns are a step too far” doesn’t make any sense -- where do you draw the line? at what point are you trying to define when someone is “too masculine to be a lesbian?” and why do you feel the need to do that?

this goes double for nonlesbians. i’ll repeat: really, honestly ask yourself why you feel the need to do that.

(note: butch lesbians aren’t the only lesbians who are gender nonconforming and they aren’t the only ones who use he/him pronouns! but i’ve found this is very common among butches, more so than other lesbians, + it’s another space where i can speak from personal experience.)

6: “wait but this feels kind of TERFy. are you saying trans men can be lesbians?”

oh no. oh god no. lesbians = not men. trans men = men. (& trans women = women, & TERFS can choke.)

i think there is a misconception among some trans men (especially transmedicalists) that he/him lesbians are trying to tell trans men they aren’t “real men” & thus undermining their identities. the idea is that we’re saying, “hey, look, lesbians can use whatever pronouns we want! thus, you don’t need to transition :) you can use he pronouns and still be a gay woman :)” to which the obvious response is “i’m not a woman and this is transphobic.”

but i... honestly truly have never seen a he/him lesbian say that. we aren’t the same! even if we use the same pronouns, even if we may take some of the same steps to feel gender euphoria (ex. wearing more masculine clothing, binding/going on T for afab lesbians), we are not the same! trans men = men. men cannot be lesbians. he/him lesbians = people who are not men, but have a complicated relationship to womanhood. thus:

he/him lesbians =/= trans men.

there is no correlation.

(note: i lied. there is one correlation. the correlation is friends and allies. trans men i’m on your team and i hope you’re having a good day. my right to exist is not mutually exclusive with yours; we’re fighting similar battles.)

7. “okay, i guess, but i still don’t really get it?”

that’s okay!! gender is confusing as shit (plus this was a long & slightly repetitive post, because i wanted to make sure i covered all my bases). here are some things you can do if you still don’t understand:

a) talk to more he/him lesbians! maybe my explanation doesn’t really do it for you, but someone else’s will! (if you’re interested in lesbian history, i can recommend stone butch blues, which can be downloaded as a PDF from leslie feinberg’s website. the main character’s relationship to gender isn’t quite the same as the one explained in this post -- jess has to use he/him & pass as male to stay safe -- but it’s still a good read that gets into the complexity of lesbian gender. the lesbian mc participates in butch/femme culture, gets top surgery, & later has a relationship with a trans woman -- so, basically, corroborating what i’ve said about how lesbians can do all of these things & still be lesbians.)

b) if you don’t have the time/energy/desire to talk to more he/him lesbians, that’s fine! just respect us. respect our pronouns. don’t misgender us; don’t call us men or say we aren’t lesbians. you don’t have to get it to accept us.

c) here’s a secret. if you still don’t understand, but you are no longer seeking help understanding & you’ve decided to just vibe and respect us without totally Getting It - that is totally fine. you don’t need to tell us this :) saying “hey, i don’t really get it, could you help?” is one thing. saying “hey, i still don’t get it. not asking for help, just letting you know” is uh. is like. um. okay thanks for informing me?? i guess ??

i understand that not everyone will Get It. but if you’re using my pronouns & respecting my identity, i do not need to hear that you don’t actually get it because my gender is super complicated. it is a little, er, how you say, impolite. (again - not the same as asking for help! i’m totally open to answer any questions anyone has.)

_______________________________________________________________________

source: i am a he/him lesbian.

you are allowed & politely encouraged to reblog this post.

if anyone would like to add to this post -- particularly other lesbians and/or trans women (as i’m tme and don’t want to overstep) -- feel free!

if anyone would like to ask me to elaborate on something, feel free to ask in the reblogs, replies, or in my inbox/dms!

if anyone would like to clown on this post and say some lesbophobic or transphobic bullshit without reading what i wrote, please block me, log off, & go trip over something <3

[saintapoptosis]

Dark Entries: A Goth Music Overview

The tags on that aux cord post are really grinding my gears on this Monday evening so I’m making it my responsibility to educate people on this site as to what goth music actually is. I know this is going to get on some people’s nerves and generate some discourse because the “what is goth?” debate never seems to end, but at the end of the day I’m just some stranger on the internet who’s not even old enough to be in most goth clubs in my country. This is just my interpretation and explanation of it all for the curious. 

The long and short of it is that goth is a music based subculture. there’s no requirement to being goth other than listening to the music- which seems to be what’s confusing a surprisingly high people on this site. i’m not going to judge you for calling mother mother or my chemical romance goth up until this point. the subculture is largely underground and obscure by nature. Popular legend has it that the goth scene was born in 1979 when British rock band Bauhaus released the nine-minute long single Bela Lugosi’s Dead, but if you ask me that oversimplifies how it all started and isn’t even their best classic goth song. Goth is better understood as a progression from the punk explosion of the late 70s to what came after: the aptly named post-punk genre and beyond. Goth wasn’t the only genre that came from post-punk- new wave, shoegaze, and most alternative rock as we know it did too! Post-punk (British post-punk specifically) was and continues to be a lot of things compared to punk: noisier, faster, slower, stripped-down, more “intellectual”, weirder, and more emotional than early punk rock (the early British goth scene was also heavily linked to one particular club in London called the Batcave which just makes sense). Bands like Joy Division, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus, the Cure and the Sisters of Mercy also brought a dark, gloomy feel to the experimental do-it-yourself attitude of post-punk and are widely considered to be the founding gothic rock bands. Groups like Xmal Deutschland, Clan of Xymox, Sex Gang Children, Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, and Pink Turns Blue are also hugely important to understanding the sound of the early scene (as well as the look) but didn’t achieve the same mainstream success.

But to make matters more complicated, there’s more than one goth “genre” because none of this is simple and no one agrees on this stuff in the scene. The usual laundry list of “goth” genres is as follows: gothic/goth rock, post-punk (widely contested ), darkwave, ethereal wave, deathrock, coldwave, and sometimes industrial. Angela Benedict explains it well in this video. Deathrock in particular is interesting because it was basically the “American version” of goth music and subculture for a long time and is widely called “too punk for goth and too goth for punk”. Darkwave and industrial are products of the scene getting its start in the early 80s when synthesizers became commercially available. Whether or not industrial in particular counts as “goth” or not is one of the quickest ways to start a fight among goths and also because nobody seems to be able to agree on what’s “real” industrial music. Metal isn’t widely considered to be goth music proper but I have yet to meet a goth who doesn’t like at least a little bit of metal. Historically that crossover didn’t really happen until metal started getting more creative as well (after all, the 80s were the golden age of fratty hair metal and toxic masculinity and neither of those things mesh well with goth style and sensibilities). 

Now that I’m done rambling about the early history of the goth scene, here’s some short answers to the inevitable goth faqs:

Isn’t goth also about aesthetic and fashion?

Yes, but they can’t be fully separated from the music and community. The music generally inspires the fashion and we really like copying the outfits, hair, and makeup of musicians. Goths don’t own in dressing in all black and there’s plenty of goths out there who don’t “dress like it” (including myself and MANY goth and post-punk musicians).

Are you all satanists/pagans/witches? Are you all kinky?

More often than the average person but it’s more a consequence of being in a counterculture community than anything else. Goth and alternative women aren’t your fetish or your future “big titty goth gf”. We just like a certain style of music and just happen to dress weirdly sometimes.

Why don’t more people know that goth is about music?

Goth music generally doesn’t sell well because so much of it is too abrasive or weird and most artists are pretty far underground. Goth musicians also had a habit of denying involvement with “the goth scene” early on and goths, punks, metalheads, and emos are generally lumped together in mainstream media. Gothic fashion is much easier to rip off and sell than the subculture itself is. You (and more likely than not) your parents have probably heard and enjoyed semi-“goth” music before if you like Depeche Mode or The Cure.

How do I get into the goth subculture? 

Listen to the music. Spotify’s Dark and Gothic playlist is surprisingly good and I’m partial to this massive Spotify user-created playlist of old and new bands and this mix on Youtube with lesser-known bangers. Goth music varies widely but a fuckton of it is made to be danced to because we hang out in clubs a lot of the time. The map below isn’t quite accurate but may be able to help you find your local community be it a club or a nonprofit organization! It’s fine to be confused and it’s perfectly alright to ease into it slowly without worrying about how to dress. 

Where’s Your Goth At? A Worldwide Map of Goth Clubs and Events

Why do you guys like vampires so much?

They represent the pain and suffering of the human experience in a way that humans don’t plus Anne Rice’s Interview With the Vampire came out in the 80s and Bauhaus and David Bowie were in a movie about vampires. They also just straight up look cool.

More resources:

Before Bauhaus: How Goth Became Goth - a history of the dark music that paved the way for the scene. this channel has a couple more goth history videos.

Poseurs, Elitists, and Goth - a good explanation for why listening to goth music matters as well as why being a hardass about listening to the “right” goth music sucks. also very entertaining and made by @cadaverkelly who’s posted a TON of goth music on this site and has an entire channel dedicated to the subculture. 

The Music of the Goth Subculture: Postmodernism and Aesthetics - an academic paper for nerds like me to parse through that has a ton of context and analysis on the goth movement and its origins.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

idk how many people would even want to see this BUT i wanna yell about Leela and Brax so here's a list of all their scenes togethr/scenes pertainng to them that i can recall (pLEASE add on if i missed anything/ you have any additional thoughts!! i could talk about these two all day!)

right off the bat in Weapon of Choice when Leela is on the outskirts of the Citadel and Brax goes to bring her back (which is interesting in and of itself, bc usually i would imagine a chancellery guard would go do that so what made Brax decide to instead??), Leela kinda goes off at him bc she's hurting and instead of trying to actually explain what's going on Brax doesn't even try to argue he just says "we need you" which is great bc Leela has that instinctive desire to be needed and to help people and he's speaking right to that -- also as far as we know, this is Leela and Brax's first actual meeting in canon? it's implied that they know of each other, which makes sense, but it doesn't seem like they've ever directly interacted before: Brax seems almost slightly uncertain, and Leela is combative, but when he's gentle with her she's actually quite receptive

the literal next scene after that, where the OT4 is all in one room for the first time (they still kinda hate each other at this point but still !!!). Narvin explaining Gryben and being a real jerk about it and Leela (understandibly!) questions if Gryben is a prison world, and Brax (who to this point has been mostly quiet as Narvin and Romana brief Leela) jumps in to both clarify Narvin's previous xenophobic statements while also maintaining the inherent questionable/negative connotations

(btw it's actually pretty important to note that Romana self-edits herself a lot when talking to Leela, especially in the earlier seasons; you can actually hear her revising the things she says to put it in terms that she thinks Leela will better understand. and i mean she does it out of genuine consideration for her friend associate but it often comes across as varying levels of patronizing. Narvin also obviously "dumbs things down" when dealing with Leela early on, but like... Brax never does that on any level. the only difference i can tell in how he addresses Leela vs how he talks to anybody else is that he seems much more kind with her than almost anyone else???)

their conversation about the Matrix in The Inquiry: this is REALLY important (and if you've ever talked to me on ao3 i've probably gone off to you about it lol) because it's layered. they're talking about the Matrix but they're also not because in answering Leela's question Brax is making a very thinly veiled allegory (which he outright states a minute later) to Time Lord society/politicians/most importantly HIMSELF -- he's actually strangely open about his morals/beliefs in this scene and i'm living for it tbh -- and i find it very interesting that even though he does directly explain what he means ("how do you know all this?" / "because i am a politician.") he also leaves it for Leela to work out the implications. like it's a very nuanced conversation bc there's double meaning in it and most people on Gallifrey seem to think that Leela is tone-deaf and can't pick up on that stuff (even Romana sometimes oversimplifies things to her) but Brax totally just lets her take from it what she will bc he believes her intelligent enough to understand. he doesn't think her any lesser because she's human.

ALSO on a secondary note to the above: the fact that Leela has a question/needed clarification (sorry, haven't listened to this in a while i forget how it actually happened) and actively sought out Brax to talk to about it?? like she knows Romana better she could have gone to her but i feel like Leela kinda imprinted on Brax and someone she can go to for help if she needs it; maybe it's partly bc she knows he's under marginally less pressure than Romana is but also the truth of the matter is that Brax was the most genuinely helpful person to her in the previous stories and that probably means a lot to her (esp. bc he acts like the essence of everything she hates about Gallifrey but he doesn't treat her the way she would expect from that). btw this topic is gonna come up again in a hot minute

that part where Brax gives her that information that might help her re: the Andred thing, even though he really probably shouldn't have done that -- it kinda makes me think about what he must have been like with Theta tbh???

actually this is mostly my own conjecture but there's some neat stuff in Spirit bc during the *waves hand vaguely* bodyswap dream sequence thing, Romana is very "!!!! Brax can help us !!!" which is tecnically Leela brain talking, so like there's the implications of the stuff i've said above about Leela having this idea of Brax where she knows he's someone she can go to for help

can u tell i'm soft for them

Leela sounding really sad/distracted when she talks about how Brax isn't there YES i'm grasping at straws but a lot of this relationship really is conveyed through the voice acting bc of how little direct focus there is on the characters. there's actually several scenes in Mindbomb where she mentions him and she outright says that she misses him during her discussion with Matthias

that implied scene with them in Mindbomb!! i have a Lot of thoughts about that!!! it's all conjecture and fanfic fodder!!! but the reason i mention this is because it seems pretty meta that out of the whole Gally Gang, it's Leela who first sees Brax when he comes back to Gallifrey and in turn she's the first person (besides Matthias, i guess) that he sees upon his return?? idk i just feel like that's somehow a meaningful detail??? also her reaction of utter shock after spending the entire episode missing him and how worked up she is when she tries to tell Romana, like I desperately need to know what happened in this missing scene MR RICHARDS PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

Leela insisting on going with Brax when Pandora starts hurting him and their whole conversation there is just. so good. like they're both just so soft and then when Darkel comes in Leela instantly goes into protective mode. like they just have such an open relationship bc Brax doesn't even try to be all pretentious with her, like he doesn't even try to keep up any facades when he's with her he's just very genuine and it really says a lot about both of them -- Leela is so good at seeing people, like getting down to the core of who people are and what makes them them (which is why she's good for Romana, btw, bc Romana has a lot of identity issues) and Brax is so tangled up in who he presents himself as that he barely knows who he actually is anymore but Leela can see that and she makes it so he can truly be himself and he doesn't have to hide. also she's so gentle with him when they talk about Pandora, she's very caring and empathetic and wants to make sure he's okay and i am WEAK

it's been a hot while since i listened to Panacea but I think i remember Brax being really soft with Leela when he first brings the gang to the Axis, like just sounding really glad to see her

ok other than the fact that Brax is lowkey relatable in Reborn (daydreaming fanfic about yourself/people you know? simping for Mary Tamm Romana? yeah mood, my man) there's that scene where they're first appraoching the Citadel on the alt!Gallifrey and it seems like none of them, and Brax specifically, have seen it from the outside in a good long while bc he's very in awe and he tells Leela that he wishes she could see it and he sounds sO hEcKiNg sOFT oh my word-

and once again with Leela thinking of Brax as someone she trusts for help: in Dissassembled when everything is going to crap she straight-up says that she wants to go find Brax bc he'll know what to do/be able to help

at the beginning of Annihilation when Romana is depressed and questioning if Brax truly was her friend and Leela INSTANTLY, NO HESITATION assures her that he was; i lost where i had her exact lines written down but she actually kinda goes off to make sure Romana gets the point

literally forcing myself to talk about this bc it makes my brain stall out but like,,, the Brax Hound in Annihilation,,, Leela being like "goodbye, Braxiatel... again" she sounds so sad and like UGH i always kinda forget how sad it actually is for them to lose Brax in Dissassembled bc like, it was so sudden and they didn't get to say goodbye and Leela is always losing people and i have many many feels about this scene and how all that emotion is made very clear in how they each respond to the Hound (might make a separate post abt this later if anyone is interested ::eyes::)

Enemy Lines is utter bullcrap about these two and I will never stop being salty about how they not only sidelined the very good, very subtle friendship they had in s1-4, but they??? made Leela acutally not trust Brax??? when literally this entire time she's been the one person who probably genuinely trusts him the most?? what the heck, David

I haven't heard TW3 or 4 yet but i'm assuming there's nothing worthwhile in those with regards to this duo (correct me if i'm wrong tho lol, i would love to be mistaken in this assumption)

TL;DR Leela and Brax mututally imprinted on each other and have probably the most open and healthy relationship within the OT4 and it is an absolute CRIME that nobody besides Gary Russell and Justin Richards cared enough to actually build on it in canon

[the-ghost-king]

Schizophrenic Nico, here's why I think it's possible:

I want to start off by saying these are just my thoughts, there is no one way to be schizophrenic or to have schizophrenia. It's also important to note that many of the schizophrenic symptoms overlap with other mental illnesses/nuerodivergences like ADHD, Autism, Depression, and OCD which I know many people who head canon Nico as having. I'm not arguing schizophrenic Nico is more correct, more canon, or more right, but to explain some thoughts on why I think it's possible/very likely he does so I can use this for future reference in various thing.

I am using the term schizophrenia as a catchall for all "types" of schizophrenia, but not for schizoaffective disorder which I would say Nico probably doesn't have.

Children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia. It may also be possible if your mother was sick while pregnant with you, or having a father who was significantly older when he had you.

A stressful life, especially trauma, are more likely to develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It likely has something to do with excessive dopamine production, but it may also have something to do with the same genes that control the sleep-wake cycle. Schizophrenia is more common with other mental illnesses or with other nuerodivergences or developmental delays.

Common symptoms include:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions

less interest in social activities

Now what does this mean for Nico, and why do I think it's likely he has Schizophrenia?

Let's start with Nico's childhood, "children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia". Although Rick proposed two birthdays for Nico, the fandom generally accepted the January date more fully. We also know that Nico is described as small when he was younger, smallness is common in children who grow up sickly, but it is also common in children who's mother was ill while pregnant with them. We obviously don't know if Nico was sick as a kid, or if Maria was sick while pregnant with him, but again being born in the winter makes these things more likely, as well as consideration for the time period Nico grew up in and the larger variety of illnesses going around at the time. (He is vaccinated against some things though).

Trauma and Nico... do I really have to go into super detail on this one? He spent his childhood growing up in a fascist country that was extremely racist/anti-Semitic/homophobic/etc, his mom died when he was a child- in front of him, his father intentionally gave him amnesia, his sister died when he was a child, he then proceeded to become homeless living/spending lots of time with Minos who verbally (and possibly physically) abused him, becoming aware of his past memories, becoming aware of the fact that many people hated him because of his father and because they thought he was joining the other side (therefore, he was "bad"), he fought in many battles as a child, fought monsters alone, was often faced with life or death situations, went to Tartarus alone (where the goddess of misery told him he was "perfect"), was trapped in a hostage situation with little/no air for a long time while people debated whether or not to save him, was outed against his will, was freed only to travel again fighting monsters and then win a battle, was eventually made to quest with Apollo despite still having lots of healing to do in ToN. So stressful life? Fuck yeah, that doesn't being to cover it.

Genetic factors, obviously nothing here is confirmed so I'm speculating a little bit again, but the common idea in regards to Hades children through the series is that they are "bad". Mental illnesses have been stigmatized for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and often mentally ill people were made out to be weird/bad/etc. It's more than possible there is some sort of genetic factor taking place, also "having a father who was significantly older when he had you". Although I doubt godly genes work the same as mortal ones (trust me I have lots of thoughts on how god genetics/DNA work, but that's not the point right now), I think Hades being the oldest out of all his brothers and having a reputation for having "questionable" children says something... We have no information on Maria's family history at all.

As for schizophrenia often occurring with other mental illnesses and/or neurodivergences: Nico canonically is implied to have either ADHD and/or Autism, and is canonically stated to have PTSD. I think most people would agree that saying Nico has or has had depression isn't a stretch in the slightest.

So canonically we can all agree Nico has severe trauma and coinciding mental health issues/neurodivergences, so out of 4 possible issues I’ve first presented we guaranteeably have two. If I wanted to stretch this a little I would give myself a half point for him being born in the winter and a half point for the aspect of Hades genetics but I won’t do that.

On top of that schizophrenia usually appears during teenage and young adult years in people who receive diagnosis; most people live with mental illness for a few months or a few years in some cases before they're able to receive a diagnosis. Nico being 15 (16 by the end of ToN/shortly following the end of ToN) is about the age that schizophrenia would start to make an appearance. It's also more likely to be found in men, with men also noticing the appearance of schizophrenia appearing early in their lives, and experiencing more negative symptoms in comparison to the higher commonality of affective symptoms in women. That's a really complicated explanation to basically say there's 3 more things that would make Nico having schizophrenia make more sense.

Alright, let’s go back to the list of symptoms I provided:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions/behavior

less interest in social activities

Once again, some of these are not solely related to schizophrenia and can be the result of other mental health issues, I’m just going to go down the list and add in some moments from the books in which Nico shows some of these traits/behaviors.

Delusions/Hallucinations (more later)

Our best chances for understanding Nico's thought process is in Blood of Olympus where he has a P.O.V... Sometimes Nico's thoughts do derail, or sometimes they get a little confusing, but not always, and when talking to others he is consistent and aware of what he's saying, as well as blunt. Anything "off" about his thought patterns to me just seems like ADHD..

Dietary changes (whether or not you think he has an eating disorder) are behavioral changes (I personally think Nico has AFRID)

Within House of Hades Nico's poor sleep patterns are constantly referenced, and I'll give him a pass on poor hygiene because he's in the middle of a quest but still..

I have extremely complicated feelings on what Will says here, it's possible Nico is an extremely unreliable narrator (unlikely, it seems many people are bothered by him and only maybe a handful aren't), I've also thought at many points this was Rick trying to backtrack some stuff with Nico because he realized he'd made his story a little too harsh for a kids book, it could also be Will's trauma kicking in and that happening... I'm not counting it as full proof about Nico disliking social interactions, but Nico does try to leave even after this conversation and isn't convinced to stay until the last chapter, so maybe there's something to be said about people's dislike of him for being a Hades kid- but I think it's fair to say Nico also dislikes people at least some because he doesn't have interest in trying to befriend anyone either, and is quick to assume all people dislike him (paranoia/low self esteem/and some other possible stuff). There's lots of discussions to be had about this quote and other similar ones, and I don't think a broad brush approach of "Nico good everyone else bad" is accurate it's more, "Nico is good but he fails to try and you have to work on your own mental health everyone won just go to you, and also people dislike Nico for silly reasons and need to get over themselves and make an effort too". (I'm extremely oversimplifying my thoughts and feelings to keep it brief.)

More on delusions and hallucinations:

Now I want to state that lots of schizophrenia symptoms share a lot of commonalities with ADHD and with depression, so although I might include some moments you think are just ADHD/depression I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you but they could also be schizophrenia or coexisting mental health issues/divergences. I also went through the DSM-5 for schizophrenia (the DSM-5 is just this big book with lists and it’s how doctors diagnose any mental health issue/divergence), I also looked through the DSM-IV (an older book from before DSM-5 which is no longer really used) and the differences between the diagnosis was fairly minimal but they quit categorizing types of schizophrenia and instead rely more on a couple of word descriptions that seem more in line with a spectrum rather than a checkable box.

In order to receive a schizophrenia diagnosis, two (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), and at least one of these symptoms must be (1), (2), or (3):

Delusions

Hallucinations

Disorganized speech (frequent derailment or incoherence)

Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior

Negative symptoms (i.e., diminished emotional expression or avolition).

It’s important to note that only one of these need to be checked off/true if the patient has voices which narrate their actions/behaviors/thoughts or if the person has more than one voice conversing with each other.

Nico deals with auditory hallucinations (2), he believes the voice belongs to Bob, his titan friend he left in Tartarus:

However this isn’t and immediate diagnosis because Bob’s voice doesn’t talk to another voice(s) in Nico’s head, and we don’t know if Nico has voices running commentary on his behaviors/thoughts.

The reason I state we are unaware if Nico has commentary isn’t because Nico hasn’t said anything, but because many people with schizophrenia before their diagnosis believe the narrative voices are just their thoughts and are a normal internal monologue- usually patients don’t realize anything is wrong until the voices start providing commentary on their actions so instead of “washing the dishes now” the voice(s) might say “wash the dishes now, you’re so lazy you can’t do anything, idiot” during a period of psychosis which may help them acknowledge that the voice(s) isn’t the way most people experience internal voice(s). It is very possible Nico is unaware he is experiencing narrative thoughts and simply assumes that his experience is something most people have, but I won’t use this to argue my point because it’s not confirmation of anything.

Returning now to Bob, Nico knows he is hearing Bob’s voice but he believes Bob is calling to him from Tartarus. Now, Nico says the voices are calling to him from Tartarus but there’s no confirmation of this anywhere… What I think is happening is Nico has a guilty conscience. He feels bad for “using” Bob to get out of Tartarus and various other things, so he feels bad that he is still down there. However, we don’t really know if Bob is calling to him or if Bob is able to do that- what I personally think is happening here is Nico’s brain is convincing Nico that Bob needs him because Nico is upset with himself for not helping Bob more, but also because Nico has never “sat still” before without a quest. Nico has also always felt the want to be needed/important...

It very well could be a delusion.

Schizophrenic patients often experience delusions which make them think they are destined for greatness, or that they have some divine/high force calling out to them for help that only they can provide. It’s an extremely common thing in individuals who experience delusions, and is in fact one of the most common delusions experienced. So although Bob could really be calling out to Nico, I don’t think he is, it doesn’t entirely make sense and there’s lots of little things which point to it being not entirely real- like the fact that nobody else knows about it? Or how absolutely sure Nico is that he need to return to Tartarus? It seems like a mixture of PTSD, delusions, and trauma response (returning to the trauma), working against him. I’ll say delusion is very likely (1).

Using these two factors alone there’s sufficient evidence for diagnosis, but let’s keep going just to see.

For disorganized speech (3) this isn’t something Nico seems to struggle with, and even if he did “derailing” could be ADHD or Autism, so I don’t think this symptom pertains to him.

Changes in behavior (4), seem to all be explainable via depression and/or PTSD- he has begun to express emotion again in Tower of Nero upon learning of Jason’s death he is said to be upset by Will and he walks off to be alone, seems like depression to me. Emotional/Behavior changes from schizophrenia tend to relate more to bipolar disorder rather than a depressive disorder, so I would say if Nico has schizophrenia he probably doesn’t have emotional or behavioral changes from it. If he did he might have some catatonic behavior, but this seems to be clearing up some in Tower of Nero so I’m not super sure on that, maybe during bad periods of psychosis behavioral changes occur, but I would lean more towards this isn’t a symptom Nico personally deals with. Negative symptoms (5) tie into this same idea, it’s possible it’s schizophrenia, but it’s more likely PTSD or depression at work.

So why do I care so much about the possibility of Nico being schizophrenic?

I feel like canonically/fanonically making Nico schizophrenic does a few things, firstly schizophrenic rep in media is extremely extremely awful- can you think off the top of your head of a schizophrenic character who isn't from a horror film/a murder/a villain in their own story? Maybe, but personally I can only think of one which is Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower- and even then? That's not canon, it's only implied- and it might not even be true

Schizophrenic media representation always paints schizophrenic people as bad, scary, and evil, and although the horror genre is extremely well known for being super ableist, transphobic, racist, homophobic, and misogynistic (just the final cherry on top) having one of the first- if not the first openly confirmed schizophrenic characters in children's media not only be someone who has lots of character development, and isn't a stereotype, but also be someone people have grown up with, cared for, and sympathized with- would be extremely monumental.

People with schizophrenia and other related disorders aren't something to be scared of or to think of as bad, and often times they're more bothered by whatever they're experiencing than you are.

I don't have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or anything like that, but I have various undiagnosed mental health issues which often lead to me questioning reality, or having to set aside time to convince myself that no there isn't a man living in my wall... Having a character have to question those things, work through those feelings, and learn to trust themselves and care for themselves even with those difficulties would be really great to see in media, not just for people with schizophrenia but also for people with similar/related disorders who might share symptoms see parts of their own struggles in a good, educative way.

I have to finish this in two parts because tumblr keeps breaking because there's too many words in my post lmao (2nd part here)