#I like illustrating stupid convos

[strawberri-draws]

My little brother thought Jets name was Jeff; we have watched this show multiple times help me I can’t escape this cursed assumption…. Jeff…….

[hermannsthumb]

Prompt from our convo on Twitter (I'm on anon to hide my thirst): Hermann: *sigh* regrettably my meat is so large that it scares off potential partners Newt: *already grabbing the lube* fortune favors the brave dude please put that in me

i have nothing to say for myself ❤️ as u might expect, rated hard E, AND fabulous illustrations via a bonus collab with twitter/ao3 user newtability!!!

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Newt’s always understood that one of the most important parts of being Hermann’s lab partner is knowing exactly when to annoy him not for the sake of his own personal gratification (because Newt loves doing that, a lot, so much), but for the sake of Hermann’s own personal well-being. And, like, relaxation. Sometimes Hermann pushes himself a little too far and stays up a little too late into the night squinting and hunching over his computer instead of, like, actually going to bed, or he gets so caught up in scrawling away at his chalkboard that he forgets to have any meals beyond a cold cup of tea, so Newt makes it his business to pester Hermann until his concentration finally cracks and he storms out of the lab to go to bed or eat a stupid sandwich. Or just generally practice basic self-care. Well, at least, that’s what Newt tells himself. He really does get a kick out of being annoying sometimes, and he thinks that Hermann (though he would never admit it) gets a kick out of having something to be annoyed at sometimes too.

Anyway, today he’s ingratiating himself into Hermann’s personal space for entirely selfless, important, make-Hermann-take-a-break reasons. Hermann is slouching and squinting, grumpily, over his computer (as usual), typing away what's probably ten emails, grumpily, when Newt marches over and slams a pack of beer down onto his desk. Hermann doesn’t say anything—just squints between it and Newt through his crooked glasses just as grumpily. “What is it?” he says. He prods a pencil at one of the bottles. “And what is this? It’s not even four, yet, Newton, so I’ll thank you to keep your poor decisions on your side of the laboratory.”

“It’s a celebration,” Newt declares.

“Of what?”

“Of the second anniversary of when this all started!” Newt says. “Two years since our first day in the lab!” 

read the rest here on ao3 (18+!!!!!)

[mettywiththenotes]

Bakugou and The Cuts

Okay so I absolutely agree that Bones is just so stupid for cutting out the League’s important moments, it sucks. BUT this isn’t the first time they’ve done this

While, yes, Bakugou’s cut scenes aren’t the same as the League’s, there are a couple of moments that piss me off where there is just a lack of context. A lack of context which really doesn’t build Bakugou’s development up well

First we have this scene in the second PL exam with Bakugou and Todoroki. In the manga, we see this

Bakugou insists that violence is the way to teach the kids a lesson, since that’s how he was raised. Shouto counters this with “There’s a better way of doing things.”

Bakugou REMEMBERS the Sports Festival and the conversation between Izuku and Shouto. He remembers the very topic of that convo: Shouto’s abuse and his scar.

He then realizes “Oh shit I fucked up” and lets Shouto take over, insists that he show him how he does things, in a very Bakugou fashion.

This moment was meant to show the significance of that moment in the Sports Festival, it was meant to directly link back to it so we’d see what Bakugou thinks of Shouto’s situation. Here, we are shown that he’s respectful of Shouto’s trauma, that he now realizes he shouldn’t have insisted that “violence was the answer” and that IN A SINGLE INSTANT he’s willing to change his mind and fix the situation. It showed Bakugou’s compassion and care

He doesn’t mention the abuse like “Oh shit sorry Todoroki I forgot you were abused”, he doesn’t call out WHY it was wrong of him to say it (because then that would be outing Shouto’s situation without his consent). He realizes his mistake and fixes it, allowing for Shouto to show what he means instead of forcing him to do things the Bakugou Way

This is an incredibly important moment. Not only does it show that he’s willing to give the reigns to someone else sometimes, it shows that Bakugou is capable of being compassionate, he’s capable of understanding and being respectful. This little moment holds so much to Bakugou’s character and that’s why I love it

Whereas when this scene was done in the anime...

There’s no reference to the Sports Festival Scene. There’s not even a little bit of a “oh I just realized something but I won’t show you what it was” moment. Here, it looks like Bakugou just wanted to get a rise out of Shouto in a competition way

As if he’s saying “Oh you think you’re better than me? Then why don’t you show us how it’s done, hotshot!”

While this does show that Bakugou is willing to let others take control sometimes, the point of this scene was also to illustrate how Bakugou remembers things. He remembers important information, not just basic info but personal info, and he’s willing to take all these factors into account in order to make a complete victory

I know that when I watched the anime (the first time I got into the series before reading the manga), I watched the Sports Festival convo, saw Bakugou listening in and thought “Oh, this is going to be relevant at some point. Cool!”

And it was. It was brought up again in the manga and I was so happy because then that scene of Bakugou listening in had significance. It was so good and it showed so much about how Bakugou’s mind works. It was so wonderful to see

I guess, if you’re an anime-only, you could use your brain and eventually figure out that the reason Bakugou let Shouto take control was because of his knowledge of the abuse but... there’s no indication to that moment. There’s no surprise or epiphany expression. There’s nothing to show you that Bakugou remembers

In fact, as an anime-only, you could look at this moment and say “That’s so inconsiderate of him not to remember Shouto’s abuse! He was there for that convo! Why didn’t he remember? What an asshole! And, oh yeah here we go, he’s sizing him up and trying to provoke Shouto again😒”

Which is the wrong reaction to have. Because that didn’t even happen. Bones just decided to erase that special thought-provoking moment and settle for “Haha Bakugou hothead moment”, and it gives off the wrong impression. It doesn’t give you the realization you’re supposed to have when looking at Bakugou’s character, and that’s what pisses me off

Another moment is the scene after Bakugou’s team wins against the 1B team in the Joint Arc. In the manga, we see this

Izuku calls his nickname, all happy to see that he won, and Bakugou yells at him. This, as we can see, is a reflex, because we see the sfx next to Bakugou himself. Izuku gives a meek reply to the yelling

This is such a relevant scene. Arguably, it is the most important to fully understanding how he interacts with Izuku. The Reflex sfx is to show that, while Bakugou is still at the point in his relationship with Izuku where they are still rocky, his outburst wasn’t intentional. It was a reflex because of 1) how he’s always acted with Izuku like this, so it’s just muscle memory to lash out like he always has and 2) Bakugou doesn’t know what to do with positive feedback and compliments. We literally just saw All Might compliment Bakugou and he walked away rubbing the back of his neck, saying a quip under his breath

In Bakugou’s arc, we’ve seen him be considerate to Shouto and his history with abuse. We knew that he was caring and respectful thanks to that. And when this scene came up of Bakugou yelling at Izuku like he always has, but this time with the Reflex sfx, that’s what lets us know that Bakugou didn’t mean to do it

It’s that connection from “caring” “respectful” to “he didn’t mean to do it”. You gather this information about Bakugou and it allows you to get a grasp on who he is as a person

It makes you wonder if it wasn’t a reflex, would Bakugou have done something else? Would he have said what he said after this Reflex scene and had that back and forth with Izuku a second earlier?

Would he have jumped straight into challenging him?

The Reflex sfx speaks volumes of Bakugou’s character. I consider this an important scene because it gives you more information about Bakugou and his mindset, how hard it is to recalibrate how you’ve always acted to someone

Whereas in the anime...

No Reflex sfx. Which wouldn’t be a big deal if the anime had decided not to animate most of the sfx’s from this arc... *inhales*

EXCEPT THEY DID DECIDE TO DO THAT. THEY ANIMATED MOST OF THE SFX’S APART FROM THIS ONE.

Here, it just looks like Bakugou is once again being his old “I’m better than you so shut up” self. Which is a repeating thing Bones likes to show

As an anime-only, you do have the info of Bakugou meeting up with Izuku and All Might before his match and him challenging Izuku softly, you do have the knowledge that Bakugou was thinking “Just watch me” about Izuku, but it sucks that you don’t get that very obvious moment of Bakugou yelling at him being a reflex. It’s in your face, in text, and you just can’t ignore it

Taking away or adding the sfx in changes the scene’s context. Taking it away shows Bakugou as The Bully, while adding it in shows a different side of him

It was around about this time in the manga where I think Bakugou was considering his actions and what he had done (I mean, that already shows in how much Bakugou had calmed down when challenging Izuku softly in comparison to the past), so to have this moment that makes the viewer think “Wait, it was a reflex? He didn’t mean to insult him? Did he not want to yell at him?” to just cutting it out and giving us standard Bakugou Yell And Insult Deku is really... frustrating

When I look back on the anime, I can see them cutting out scenes like this as them deciding that the audience already has enough information to know that Bakugou is changing, but

1) PL Exam moment was important. It connected directly with the Sports Festival conversation and showed the consequence of Bakugou listening in - that he took the information into account and decided to quietly change how he acted

And 2) Joint Arc moment was to show that Bakugou acts this way mostly because he doesn’t know how to act around Izuku (because he’s always done it this way), and that it’s likely muscle memory to spit out insults or yell when he sees him

These scenes are the information that anime-only’s need in order to grasp him as a character

When I think about the possible reasons as to why they cut the moments out, studio-wise, I kind of lean to animation budget issues with what to animate and what not to. Though, in the case of these scenes

1) PL Exam moment is literally just a flashback moment. You know, the kind that Bones have been using excessively in the Internship Arc? This could probably be down to time limit in the episode, that they didn’t have enough time to add it in, buuuuut nothing to do with animation budget (to my knowledge) and it still annoys me

2) Joint Arc moment was filled with useless sfx’s all over the place. While they are fun to see, they also have no meaning other than to announce a super move (which we don’t necessarily need in order to know what is happening), whereas Bakugou’s Reflex sfx does have meaning

I know we’ve all talked about how Bones’ handling of MVA being stupid and dumb, but this isn’t the first time they’ve cut development scenes out. From memory, they haven’t done this to any other Hero character except Bakugou. It just kind of... says a lot about who they prioritize and how they treat him

These are just missing moments that irked me personally. I haven’t seen anybody else talk about it, but with everyone currently talking about how Bones fucked up with cutting out necessary development moments in MVA, I thought this was relevant

[theggning]

I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on Curie, if you have any.

Sure thing! Apologies in advance if I get any of this wrong, I don't personally hang out much with Curie so I had to do a bit of brushing up on her.

Curie's key role in the meta is another facet of the theme of "what makes a person a person." She single-handedly displays the differences between robots and synths and through her we get a lot of what we know about the nature of synths and how it feels for her to become one.

But before Curie becomes a synth, she's another example of a rather unique robot. She starts off quite sophisticated and unusually intelligent-- though unlike Codsworth, her unique personality and knowledge were programmed into her, not developed over time. The Vault 81 scientists loaded into her all of the great academic works they had on hand (she lists Kant, Einstein, Born, Darwin, Curie, Faraday, Turing, and Braun) along with her initial capabilities as a medic and a doctor. Also unlike Codsworth, she hasn't become accustomed to the wasteland, nor traumatized by it-- nor does she even have the capability. Curie has spent the past 210 years trapped in the secret section of Vault 81, and since the deaths of the scientists, she has been completely isolated from human contact. Thus, she is incredibly booksmart, while being... quite unprepared for the horrors that greet her in the wasteland outside.

My favorite description I've ever seen of Curie is "a doctor coming to the slow, horrified realization that nobody washes their hands." She has a picture of the world in her mind that's dictated by science, math, logic, reason, and ethics-- and as a still, quite basic robot, she's baffled when reality doesn't match up to this. Just like Sole, she emerges in a world that resembles what she knows and yet is completely strange and oftentimes very hostile-- she's just doing this with the capabilities of a robot reconciling observations against what was literally programmed into her.

I think there's a fandom tendency to infantilize Curie to some degree, or to play up her naivety to the point of farce. But Curie isn't clueless, or stupid. In addition to her scientific knowledge, she has a very firm set of morals and ethics and will speak up or push back if she feels the Sole Survivor is behaving poorly. She is one of the "good" companions who approves of kind acts, and she is a pacifist, if she can help it. She's philanthropic, but also more scientifically-minded than the other "good" companions-- notably, her approvals all lean in favor of helping scientists and supporting the advancement of knowledge. She supports the Minutemen and the Railroad-- but also the Brotherhood of Steel, since their knowledge and preservation of technology strike her as more important than their feelings on synths. She is pro-synth and disapproves of the enslavement or mistreatment of synths, but when the Institute is destroyed, she chiefly expresses sorrow for how much knowledge was lost. She disapproves of Dr. Chambers' cruelty, but dislikes it if you kill her-- cutting short any contributions to science she could have made. Curie is kind, but she's also ambitious, logical, and values "big picture" scientific advancement.

Really, if there was any companion besides X6-88 who could fit an Institute mindset, it's Curie. She has more compassion for people than anyone in the Institute does, but it's interesting to compare her logical, pragmatic beliefs to the faction that has taken them and twisted them to evil purposes. (Am I saying that Curie would make a terrifying villain if she were to slip too far down that road of logic and pragmatism? Maybe I am...)

This pragmatism extends to her desires to become a synth. Curie comes up with the idea mainly because she feels her scientific ambitions cannot be reached unless she feels inspiration, which she's not capable of as a robot. She insists that her new body will allow her to do good for humanity, and to her, this justifies any ethical problems around transferring her into the braindead G5-19 (Curie doesn't understand Glory's hesitation to let her friend's body be used in this way-- because as a robot, she's literally incapable of empathizing with her.) It's only after Curie opens her eyes in her new body that we understand what a stark difference it is, and how many new and frightening things she's feeling for the first time-- emotions, wayward thoughts, urges to breathe and eat and sleep-- hell, fear is a new concept for her. Her robotic brain worked in numbers and data and programming, and all of a sudden she's capable of all these other things that could never be replicated by data. Curie's transition clearly illustrates the difference between a robotic brain and a synth brain- a human brain, for all intents and purposes.

(I've always thought it takes a special kind of dingus to travel with and befriend and even romance Curie and yet still proclaim that synths are "just machines." You'll see PLENTY of them, but boy oh boy, that's quite a load of cognitive dissonance going on there. Or creep, depending on the argument.)

Which leads me to one of the hot-button topics when it comes to Curie: the romance. While Curie's romance does fall under the umbrella of the "Born Sexy Yesterday" trope, I think this aspect of it is a bit overblown. Like I said, there's a real tendency in fandom to infantilize Curie, or make her seem more clueless pwecious uwu cinnamon roll than she really is. But the difference between Curie and most of your standard issue Born Sexy Yesterday waifs is that Curie isn't helpless, nor childlike, nor incapable of standing up for herself. She's both extremely intelligent and fully confident in her morals and beliefs. She asks for the Sole Survivor's support with her emotional transition because she already trusts them as her friend, not because she has no one else or can't handle it on her own. From early on in her affinity convos, Curie expresses attraction to the Sole Survivor, and approaches learning about these new feelings with the same enthusiasm and curiosity that she does everything else. It's her attraction, not begun by the Sole Survivor manipulating her or tricking her into it. I feel like a lot of surface-level descriptions of the romance disregard Curie's agency, as though she's a bubble-headed innocent who's completely vulnerable and clueless about the mere prospects of attraction, romance, or sex.

Now, that said... did Curie have to transfer into the body of a conventionally attractive woman for her plot to work? No. Does her romance scratch the itch for people who like Born Sexy Yesterday? Yeah, probably. Is she designed to be Prime Waifu Material*? Undoubtedly. Is it my cup of tea? Nah. But different strokes for different folks**. I don't think Curie's romance is inherently bad or anyone should feel bad for enjoying it, or her as a character. She's extremely intelligent, cute, and wholesome, and if that's your type, then embrace her!

* Like oh my god, this is video games, Curie's entire character and romance could have been done so much worse.

** And seriously, I'm not about to judge someone for falling in love with the cute waifu-bait romance when I'm over here lusting over Strong Flawed Sad Tragic Himbo Whom I Can Save With My Love.

It ain't like they didn't cater to my tastes, too.

[girlzkiss]

i’m gonna post this here even tho i don’t do personal posts here typically. but like i wouldn’t wanna post this unless theres a readmore where like u gotta agree to see it and twitter doesnt have that.

anyways this stupid pinup sonico figure has been on my mind for the last 24 hours so hard. warning for suggestive pinup anime woman and like light suggestive convo idk

its makin me think so hard abt the idea of lesbian attraction to women versus male attraction to women. like she’s so close to being a Successful Pinup for me (AND THERES A LOT OF SONICO FIGURES THAT ARE VERY MUCH THAT FOR ME) and yet shes not?

theres a lot of things (her expression, how the outfit is executed) and i’ll get into those later but like the biggest thing is the exaggerated proportions that lack actual like.... depth? or like basis in reality? like here lemme just show a doodle i did to try to illustrate the idea

(SORRY I KNOW THEYRE NOT THE SAME POSE ITS SO HARD TO DRAW LIKE THE WAY ON THE LEFT. JUST TRYIN TO ILLUSTRATE THE IDEA I HOPE U STILL GET IT)

idk people love to boil down to “body exaggeration bad” which like it can be? i think there’s room for it so long as you know what you’re doing. but anyways, since the goal is to be like a pinup i’m gonna speak to it trying to be “hot”. like you can make exaggeration hot, imo the tools for it is it needs to use some tools of “reality” (like how bodies work) to be attractive. things like hourglass figures just need some tummy (even if its flat) or like more sag to boobs (an aside, does anyone actually find really unreal orb boobs with zero sag attractive??)

as much as the above has different poses i think i still got the idea across of like. the left is exaggerated without care for depth and form, the right has that more in mind despite having equally as exaggerated proportions.

as an aside. i often wonder if the “vagina bones” thing anime does is just a pugification of tummy shadow, but bastardized into being more of a hip related thing because “sizable tummy bad” (cowards)

anyways other things: - theyre cowards for not having her interact with the guitar. if you know me i love guitar girls so i’m so offended they just set a guitar in the corner and called it a day. -her expression is so neutral-negative it’s boring and just idk... doesn’t do anything for it. -the garters/shorts/panties all exist in the same small space and feel cluttered. like they should have made higher up garters for one... the shorts would work better as a different color and they later released this version that does that and it is an improvement, but the one shown above is the Original release - (warning this ones more suggestive:) her boobs and the like Squish shes doin aren’t fun or attractive because of the aforementioned exaggeration (without “basis in reality”) issues. like the tantalizing thing about it would be like a squish effect but she has no meat so its just like... what am i gaining here. 

anyways tho. for reference if you’re curious heres two sonico figures i think are good (this one fixes the squish issue and also makes my brain sound like a fax machine) (this one has really good garters and i love her expression)

[directionoftime]

Hi! How are you? Hope you’re well!

Sorry if I’m bothering you but I came across you fics and Im dying to read Storm Cloud but me, as silly as I am, I try to avoid to read unfinished stories cause I got attached to the stories and don’t know how to live without an ending to it….

So, all of this to ask if you please may consider writing the end of it…

Also another question: the number of chapters changes from ffnet and ao3, why is that? It’s due to the those sites structure to post?

Tá

Hi Anon,

Ah Storm Cloud... my first great love, and my greatest tragedy... and now seemingly cursed to wander the interwebs unfinished and loved only at a distance.

The early days of SC being written (where I'd update somewhere between a few days/week) was great going, I got to about the 200-250k mark no problems but life took over, I had to move (jobs/country) and life in general just got stressful in ways that parasitised my creativity. In addition to this, the story just stopped getting any engagement, the comments before (and on other stories like I Missed Again and Go No Further carried over a lot of the same readers and we had some great convos) But as my update turn around slowed, they dropped away - and I completely get it: the longer the update schedule you forget the nuance of the chapter/story and your interest wanes (I've been guilty of this myself more than once!) Soon, the only kind of comments I was getting were (quite literally): "more! XD"

or

"kill urself, virgin s---"

As you might imagine, neither of those particularly helped my already struggling creativity. In the earlier days of writing SC I was in some difficult situations and the good interactions offered me some level of positive social interaction I had precious little of in real life (this might sound weird, but the people I worked with were... hmm... unkind, shall we say).

I had no one else in my life who knew I wrote, or if they did assumed it was something silly, stupid and time wasting. They dgaf about anything I was doing.

So, to address your point of saying you only like to read finished stories: yes, I do understand that - it is frustrating beyond words to read so much of a story and get invented for it to just... end. But, if you can, think of it from my perspective (and other fan-fic authors) for just a moment:

You're expecting me (in context of SC) to run a hyper marathon with no support, no engagement, no feedback, nothing until it's done. [context: I estimate SC to be complete at 350k - that's a 700 page novel!] And then, maybe, I can expect a single comment (which may or may not provide feedback, offer anything kind to say, or any kind of useful positive comment) in return? Doesn't that sound just a little skewed to you?

I'm not attacking you here, I just tying to illustrate that writing takes time, effort, creativity, hard work and a lot of emotional labour (if you're really putting in effort, you need to understand your character, get into their headspace etc - this will vary a bit between authors tho).

In the midst of writing my longer form stories -- I cannot express to you what a well-spring of creativity and passion directly came out of reading comments from my readers. Even when I thought myself out of ideas, I'd read some lovely comments and the sparks were FLYING BABEY!

This has been hashed out by others in past, a probably much more eloquently, but we don't get paid, we have other pressing life responsibilities that no, cannot wait for fan-fiction.

I and others have said: comments are our 'pay'

I write because I love it, but I ALSO love engaging with others about my writing, writing stories that offer people a chance to practice emotions, or follow interesting stories, maybe it's just a free piece of fiction that lets them escape their "real life" for a few minutes - and the stresses there in. There is something magical there, writing a story that someone else loves? That's some lifting the veil of the universe sh-t right there!

There are a million reasons why we write and why we read - and why we (as humans) derive so much pleasure from it.

You get to decide how you interact with fandom (that's really only your choice and I don't mean this in a 'i think ur wrong' kind of way) so I'm not telling you do this or not do that, but I do just want you to consider this perspective the next time you pass over a story because it's "not finished" There is a person on the other end of that story -- the author -- and your willingness to skip over their story, might just be the thing that creatively starves them.

But to answer your question? Eh... maybe. It's been so long even I'm out of the loop of SC and can't really remember some finer points, so it's up in the air I'm afraid. (Diff chapters? Uh might just be because my posting there hasn't kept up whilst I was trying to edit typos/stupid mistakes etc)

I have some original novels and stories I'm working on atm anyway and I've just finished my Masters so I'm currently burnt out to fu-k.

Fandom we're the only ones keeping it and each other alive - please don't be afraid to spread some love!!! <3

[astrablossom]

Mic & The Obey Me Cast (Scenarios)

Scenarios for my MC Mic and the characters because why not?

Feel free to ask questions about my MC as well.

Lucifer: Yeah she was tripping when she heard his name the first time. Steered clear of him for a long time and when he threatened to kill her, she stayed closer to Mammon a bit more. Very snarky towards him and wears baggy uniform pants to piss him off. One time they had a argument and it ending with Mic getting spanked. And not in a good way.

"Clearly you want to extend your session."

"And I said you can go and- OW!"

Mammon: Folks he's such a simp. And Mic catches on quick, it's a bit overbearing how protective he is (a cockblock at times) but she appreciates him being there for her. In the start when he didn't like her she told him off. There was this one time he was sleeping and she snuck to write sharpie all over his face. Payback for stealing her money.

Leviathan: His attitude was not it. He saw Mic as someone to use and when he nearly killed her she immediately smacked him. Didn't matter if it didn't hurt she started cussing him out till someone escorted her out. And that's when he developed a huge crush.

"What the hell are you looking at?" She still felt on edge whenever the otaku was nearby and blanched when he started blushing red and breathing heavy like a mad man. "Don't look at me like t-that. Like I'm garbage... do that again please..." Might watch Spirited Away with him.

Satan: The Satan? Lmao bye. She said 🏃🏿‍♀️💨 gotta blast. Just like Lucifer steering clear. But Satan immediately hated her for what she said upon meeting.

"Lucifer and Satan...I thought you guys were the same person. Huh." Someone save this girl. Gave Satan a ugly ass look when he wanted to make a pact. "Do I look like I wanna be the solution to your daddy issues?" Besides that he finds her amusing. When he being a bit down she gave him words of advice. "You might've came from Lucifer but you're still you. It's obvious, just look in the mirror and remember that. No one is saying ya gotta like him either."

Asmodeus: Probably gets along with him the most. Often tackling her once they become good friends and uses her as a cuddle buddy. Adores her hair. Although his narcissism annoys her at time she likes when they're chilling together, looking at stuff, or doing his nails.

"Ahhhh Mic why don't you do your nails?"

"I bite them. And they rub off so I rather just wear clear or nothing at all." Asmodeus dramatically gasps "but you have to look your best at all times!" Mic closes the purple nail polish bottle and picks up another one. "Asmo the only time I really try is during the summer."

Beelzebub: Again another one that threatened her life and he looked like he could squish her on the spot. It was unnerving when she had to sleep in the same room as him and it was obvious she wasn't too fond of him. Beel had to tell her to stop being nervous because it riled him up. Over time when he became less of a threat she started making lunch sometimes. They might've had a picnic at some point.

Belphegor: Yeahhhh no. First time seeing him she didn't fall for the lie. There must've been a reason for him to be locked up, Lucifer ain't stupid. Very suspicious of him from the start and kept convos to a minimum. When he killed her, Mic's blood ran cold. Wouldn't look at him, speak, he didn't exist. It wasn't until Diavolo's party did they talk and the hatred for him was still strong. Ironically, that made him more eager to talk to her. He highkey likes her. A lot.

"Mic-"

"No."

"But you didn't let me-" "Shut up man." With the help of Beel it gets easier to stay in the room with Belphegor.

Diavolo: Saw him as her kidnapper. Suspicious of him but had to admit he was very kind. Ever though they're friendly she doesn't forgot he's the soon to be king. Very firm even though Diavolo insists to drop the formalities. Told him he should wear a V neck shirt one day and it made Asmodeus and her so happy when he did.

Barbatos: Also her master when it comes to cooking lessons. She wanted to improve since cooking at home could be simple at times. Gets along just fine and enjoys him telling stories while they cook. There was a time however when Barbatos said something odd. "It's strange Mic. You remind me of someone I knew a very long time ago."

Simeon: Askes if guardian angels can truly see everything you do. Can they see when you poop too? But anyways she likes writing with him and getting feedback, pen buddies. Might've snuck a glance at the cake he likes to hide behind those robes.

Solomon: "You remind me of the detective from Pink Pather" was the first thing she said to him and he was surprised. They don't talk too much but they get along fairly well. Solomon is always trying to find out more about her home life.

Luke: Lowkey sees why he is called chihuahua and he irritates her at times but after he ran to hug her she started to like him a bit more. Mostly listens to him talk while cooking or watching him. One time he fell asleep in her arms and Simeon had to get Solomon to help him with the camera settings.

* if I'm feeling for it I might add illustrations

[fanficnewbie]

Sienna Weighs In P6

OPEN HEART: SECOND YEAR - CHAPTER SIX

(ETHAN x FEMALE MC)

MC is Dr. Francesca Houseman *This entry takes place between the visit to Leland Bloom’s house and the tests on his yacht. (This is a chapter by chapter series…)

Sienna cheers on Francesca for standing up to Ethan.

PREVIOUS CHAPTERS Chapter 1:  MC tells Sienna about her Ethan convo at Donahue’s. Chapter 2:  MC and Sienna discuss Ethan’s gym routine. Chapter 3:  MC questions how well she really knows Ethan. Chapter 4:  MC takes Elijah and Sienna to see Evelyn’s exhibit. Chapter 5:  Sienna talks MC through a panic attack over Ethan. Word Count: 1889 Rated: Teen

***

“To standing up for yourself!” Francesca and Sienna clinked their beer bottles and each took a healthy gulp before setting them back on the bar. 

Francesca turned and surveyed the Sunday night crowd at Donahue’s, it was only slightly busy. Old school hip hop played while a few patrons danced. Most were at tables littered with various drinks and engrossed in animated conversations with their friends and/or colleagues. 

She swiveled back on her barstool to Sienna who gave her a knowing smile. “It felt good didn’t it?”

Francesca grinned widely, “It felt soooo good! Almost as good as Baz & June coming to my defense on the way over to the Bloom Estate. Ethan’s been treating me like crap for weeks and it was nice to know that others noticed it too.”

Sienna nodded, “I’m not gonna say I told you so but…”

Francesca playfully pushed her, “Shut up.” She took another sip, “What did Ethan even say to you when he showed up yesterday morning?”

Sienna shrugged, “Nothing really. He looked pissed and it was obvious he was there to see you so beyond ‘hello’, there wasn’t much to say.”

Francesca toyed with her beer bottle, “It probably kills him that you know about us.”

Sienna took a sip, “Well that’s his deal not mine. You guys are both adults, I’m just tired of waiting for the man to come to his senses. It’s like watching Elijah and Phoebe all over again.”

Francesca groaned and chewed on her bottom lip before looking back up, “Hey, speaking of Elijah…”

Sienna held up her hand, “Jackie already told me and you guys should just drop it. You gave him your advice and now it’s up to him. We’re all going to deal with our interns the way we see fit and that just is not going to look the same for everybody.”

Francesca scowled, “Sothy can’t even do a basic blood draw, that’s not acceptable.”

Sienna grew sullen, “We all have our individual challenges to overcome.”

Taken aback at the sudden shift, Francesca studied her friend closely. The week before she had commended Sienna when she triumphantly shimmied into a pair of jeans from college, but now she realized that she was starting to look too thin, almost gaunt with darkening bags around her eyes. She touched her arm, “Hey, so many of these conversations are about me and my dumbass issues. But are you okay? You’ve been so tired lately and you’re still losing weight…”

Almost on cue, Sienna turned to her, her face instantly brightening, “No silly, I’m fine, I’m great. You brought me out for a celebratory drink so let’s celebrate!”

Francesca sighed and gently squeezed Sienna’s arm, “Listen, you know you can talk to me about anything without judgment right? I’m your friend and I’m here to help you through whatever. This doesn’t always have to be about me and I’m so sorry if it has been totally one-sided as of late.”

Sienna smiled, “Francesca I love our convos, and I love helping you, and I know I can come to you, and I promise, I’m fine. A-okay.” She patted Francesca’s hand reassuringly.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Sienna reached for her phone. “Hey, I haven’t checked Pictogram in like forever. Did it work? Did Dr. Ramsey like that photo you posted a few days ago? Oh my God, I can’t believe I forgot all about it.”

Francesca smiled smugly as Sienna unlocked her phone. Yes, Ethan had liked her photo. It was a stunner, one she had taken the Summer before she started at Edenbrook. Surprisingly, the whole thing had actually been Jackie’s idea…

***

“So hell hath frozen over and Ethan Ramsey has a Pictogram account!”

Francesca was sitting on the floor in their living room, her back against the couch with her laptop in her lap. Sienna was above her, sitting horizontally across the couch in the same position. She peered over Francesca’s shoulder, “Oh my god, you got him to post a half-naked photo of himself?!”

Jackie walked into the living room with her tablet, “Who’s half-naked?”

Sienna and Francesca both froze for a second before Francesca answered. “Uh, Dr. Ramsey. I helped him create a Pictogram account so he could search Gwyneth’s product history. His profile photo is from when he ran a triathlon so he’s in swim shorts. He only allowed me to use it because he figured nobody would ever see it.” 

Jackie sat down and leaned over Francesca to view the image, she raised her eyebrows, “Wow! Who knew he was hiding that six pack under his lab coat? Damn Francesca, I’m finally starting to see why you’re so into the guy.”

Jackie’s eyes met Francesca’s astonished gaze, she chuckled, “You really don’t think I’m that stupid do you?”

Francesca’s face reddened, “Please don’t tell me it’s that obvious?”

Jackie thought for a second, “Nah, I honestly think I may be the only one who’s caught on, besides Sienna of course. I mean, we live with you. I’m sure you’re fine at Edenbrook, I’ve never heard any rumors.”

Sienna nodded, “Francesca, you know I’d tell you if I ever heard anything. I mean some people are still jealous of your rapport with Dr. Ramsey but they all attribute it to your top intern spot and Banjeri save.”

Jackie shrugged and she typed on her tablet, “Accurate.”

Francesca visibly relaxed, “Okay well, I can live with that. Anyway, I was just telling Sienna that he has an account now and I think it’s kind of hilarious. I mean, he kept it private and I’m his only friend.”

Francesca suddenly turned to her friends, her voice earnest,”You guys cannot tell anyone about this account or picture. He’ll know immediately that it came from me. Promise you won’t tell.”

Sienna put her hand on Francesca’s shoulder, “I promise. You already know we can keep secrets hon.”

Jackie gave Francesca a mischievous smile, “Same, but only on one condition.”

Francesca paled, “Oh god, what?”

Jackie turned her screen around where she had pulled up Francesca’s Pictogram account, “You set a thirst trap.”

Sienna frowned, “What’s that?”

“No, no, no, no.” Francesca vehemently shook her head.

Jackie turned to Sienna, still smiling broadly, “It’s a sexy photo that you post to make your followers thirsty. In this case, to make one specific follower thirsty.”

“No, it’s obvious and desperate and…” the panic in Francesca’s voice started to mount.

Sienna cut her off, “I like it. Where do we find a photo?”

“Wait Sienna, what? No!” Francesca looked at them both incredulously, “How pathetic does that make me look? Less than two weeks after Ethan becomes my PG friend, I post some random, sexy photo? Come on, even he could see through that one.”

Jackie shrugged, “I’d say you’ve waited too damn long as it is!”

Francesca was at a loss for words as she stared down her two friends. She slowly realized that she had no choice if she wanted to keep Ethan’s account under dibs and sagged against the couch in defeat, “Fine. But only because I know you won’t find a photo worth posting anyway.”

Undeterred, Jackie opened a new browser window, “What photo storage account do you use and what’s the password?”

Francesca gave her the details as she stood up, “I can’t believe this is happening, I need a drink. I’ll be right back.”

Her friends didn’t even acknowledge her exit as they started scrolling through the hundreds of photos on her Google account. 

Several minutes she returned to their flabbergasted faces. “What? What’s wrong?”

Jackie turned her tablet around and Francesca’s eyes went wide. “Holy shit! I forgot all about that photo.”

Jackie shook her head in awe, “I didn’t even think you had it in you.”

Sienna giggled, “That my dears, is a bona-fide thirst trap.”

Francesca sat down and marveled at the photo, “I took that in Cancun after graduating from med school. I went with a group of friends and it was the perfect day on the beach, so we decided to be silly and take photos in our favorite “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition” poses.”

Her mind started to change as she contemplated Ethan’s reaction to the photograph. “Hmmmm, I do look kinda hot huh?”

Jackie raised an eyebrow, “Kinda? No red-blooded, hetero man will be able to resist the allure, the pure sex of this picture. Dr. Ramsey among them.”

Francesca took a deep breath, “Post it.”

***

Sienna scrolled through the likes and comments, “Wow, is this the most popular post on your account?”

Francesca laughed, “I believe so. Even the friend who took it wanted me to tag her for credit.”

Sienna grinned as she came across Ethan’s red heart, “There it is.”

Francesca smirked, “Yup.” she leaned in, “And let me tell you the most infuriating part. I kept checking my phone to see if he had liked the photo. Nothing for two days. So, the next night I was up really late studying. I didn’t go to sleep until just after 1am, and I checked my phone before I dozed off, nothing. I woke up like three hours later to pee and guess who had liked my photo?”

Sienna’s eyes went wide, “Wait, in the middle of the night? He was on your account in the middle of the night!”

Francesca nodded, “And, and this was after the whole Gwyneth/Board thing. So at the same time he’s giving me the cold shoulder at work, he’s lurking on my account at home.”

Sienna shook her head in disbelief, “That man is so confused.”

Francesca rolled her eyes, “Whatever. That’s why I stripped down in front of him yesterday.”

“What?!” Sienna’s mouth hung open. 

Finishing the last of her beer, Francesca smiled, “I needed to kick him off his hypocritical high horse. So, after he barged into my room telling me I had three minutes to get ready on my day off, I called his bluff. I literally took off my underwear right in front of him. I mean, I turned my back to him but still, the look on his face was fucking priceless.”

Sienna turned to Francesca, put hands on her shoulders, and met her eyes, “You are officially my hero.”

Francesca smiled, “Well, that deserves another round.” She motioned to the bartender.

“Plus, I’m sure we’ll only be celebrating this victory tonight. Who knows how he’ll act towards me at work tomorrow, especially now that we’re in this absurd competition with Mass Kenmore.”

Sienna exhaled, “Yeah, you and Aurora going to be okay? I cannot take a repeat of the Landry experience.”

Francesca nodded, “I swear to you that we’ll be fine, We talked it out, made a pinky promise and everything. I’m more worried about Ethan and Tobias.”

Sienna frowned, “Aurora’s new boss?”

“Yeah, apparently he and Ethan have some bad blood,” Francesca shrugged, “I have no idea what it is about though.”

Sienna thanked the bartender as he placed fresh drinks in front of them and reached for hers, “Well that’s a good thing right? Now, he has somewhere else to direct his anger.”

Francesca thought for a moment, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Cheers to that!”

Sienna clinked her glass, “Hun, how many times do I have to tell you…I’m always right!”

Read the Ethan Pictogram Companion Piece here: Pictogram Pitfalls & Chapter 7:  Francesca confides in Sienna how she met Ethan’s mother. 

***

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING. YOUR LIKES AND COMMENTS MEAN THE WORLD!

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[lizacstuff]

SCK / Edser asks

Apologies if I haven’t gotten to your ask yet, I’m days behind, check under the cut

Anonymous said: The inconsistencies aside, I thought the episode was so perfect!! The writers hit on so many great conversation points between different duos/groups of people - like I did not expect the Eda/Serkan convos to be as candid as they were. I don't really follow writers BTS but I was sad to find out that this was indeed a different writing team from the previous 2. :( I hope that since Ayse's team set up the situation so well that the new writers will be careful not to walk back on the development

Agreed, let’s cross our fingers that the new writers have watched all the episodes (hopefully as many times as we have) and are committed to keeping the characters intact and remember all the details that make this show so great.  

The good news is that they showed with 22 and 23, that they know how to write sexy, UST-Y, feelsy edser scenes. Now if they can just maintain Eda and Serkan’s characterization (no ordering pizza or allowing random subordinates in late at night) everything will be fine.

Anonymous said: i agree with you that something must've been changed last minute.. i think maybe serkan would've been more standoffish after finding out, but they might've realized that wouldn't work hence the weird summary. although, by itself, i love the dialogue in the shaving scene bc serkan is being very vulnerable in his feelings and eda is reassuring him, which i feel like was much needed needed scene since she found out the truth! the line about her putting her hand over his heart... swoon!

I do agree that Serkan’s speech about his heart is swoon-worthy. That section of the scene will go down as one of the great moments between them. 

Anonymous said: I refuse to believe Eda is just going to give into her grandmother in the next episode. The latest episode made such a point of stressing that Eda is not going to run away, not going to let her Grandmother do the same thing to her as was done to her father and that Eda was willing to fight for Serkan. I expect similar parallels to what Serkan went through after finding out about the death of Eda’s parents but in the end she chooses to tell Serkan the truth. Come on show, do not disappoint! Eda, say yes to the proposal and come up with a plan together to bring down Grandma!

I have nothing to add to this. Yes please!!!

Anonymous said: This episode was amazing i loved it ! we finally got a good amount of screen time from edser (The episode was focused on them as in the very first episodes). Also we got domestic edser and they finally had a real conversation and not just one! It feel like i get the Eda and Serkan I used to love, back. I really hope that they will continue like this in the next episodes and that we will see the two of them fighting together against the grandmother as they promised each other.

Personally, I think pretty much every episode focuses on Eda and Serkan, even when they’re in a bad place like ep 15 and 16, they take every opportunity to throw them together, but I do agree that this episode had a satisfying amount of Edser screen time.

I’m completely onboard the united front, working as a team approach to defeating Babaanne, whether it be out in the open or in secret.  Let it happen!!

Anonymous said: Okay but seriously, we have to be getting a secret engagement or even wedding next episode of SCK, right? The latest episode was so good and they made really progress finally. Please show, please just give us a reconciliation and some 🔥🔥🔥.

Hard for me to see wedding happening. The Eda/Serkan wedding feels too big and important to hide away in an episode when no one knows its coming. I think there needs to be more fanfare when the thing the entire show has been building to for 55 hours of television, happens. I do think, secret engagement is possible. 

And YES to progress and YES to full reconciliation!!! IT IS TIME!

Anonymous said: It was a very good episode but the only thing that was missing was Eda's confession. She had the opportunity to tell him in the shaving scene but she didn't say anything her only answer to serkan monologue was "so you're telling me to leave you?" She did not even reassure him, even serkan has to question how she feel about him.

I get it, we all want to hear Eda say the words, but you’re completely wrong about how she responded in the shaving scene. Yes, she said that when he told her he couldn’t continue this way if she doesn’t know what she wants.  But that is NOT how she responded to his monologue. She absolutely reassured him. I’m so confused by this ask, did you not watch the full scene? Or did you only watch it once and the negative demons in your mind turned it into Eda not responding to his monologue?

In the living room when Serkan gets upset about her suggestion that she leave the company, she takes a moment and then immediately follows him upstairs and tells him leaving the company was a stupid idea and that she won’t go anywhere and will be by his side. Then after his monologue, the only one he has, which is about his heart, she reassured him by telling him that they will face everything together. Agreeing that she would keep her hand on his heart.  Then she steps in and performs the insanely intimate act of shaving him. 

Serkan knows how she feels. On top of the above, she confided in him about her childhood, gave him a heartfelt gift that had special meaning for them that took a lot of effort for her to procure, went to his house when she needed a place to stay, let him talk her into staying, told him she trusted him, made herself at home in his bath, flirted like crazy, faced their family’s intrusion together, and, despite not committing to starting the New Year together she was at the party, and he heard her actually wondering out loud where he was. He knows she was there waiting for him so they could start a new chapter. Then she told him his gift was the most wonderful she’d ever received and she hugged him. He knows. What’s in question is whether she will find strength in that love and use it to fight Babanne by his side, or whether she will follow Serkan’s example and sacrifice their relationship because she loves him so much she will do anything to keep him safe. 

Either path illustrates how much she loves him. 

He knows. And she will say it. Here’s my advice, you’ll enjoy the show a lot more if you stop pining all your hopes on one thing happening, because demonstrably (from your ask) when you do that you miss all the good stuff we do get. 

[pensurfing]

I Surrender.

By the time I actually post this, it’ll be near the end of the year and I’ll be near my burnout. Each year, usually I take an unannounced, but quiet, break. 

2020 feels different this year. Usually, I return in January; but this time I don’t think I can return. Too much happened in so little time and as a small creator, business, entrepreneur, small EVERYTHING I can’t ignore what lurks over my head. An ultimatum. 

I was in denial about it.

I thought maybe if I pushed making the decision back as far as I could, something would change. That as long as I worked hard, promo’d my sales and merch, did as many virtual cons as I could, something would change. Networking in newer groups, looking around for clients, and wanting to make new merchandise; name it. I did it. Work hard and reap the benefits later; while that is true there is also no shame in knowing when to quit as well. I was in denial about how long the pandemic in the States would last. I was in denial about needing help with my mental health. I was in denial about so many things in my surroundings. The biggest thing I was in denial about was my importance, impact, and ability to move forward with where I was with my art journey. The biggest reason why I was able to keep it up was due to the constant questions of “How’s it going? What are you up to? How are you?” No one (at least the way I see the world) actually answers this truthfully. So I just kept saying fine and for a while, I genuinely believed it. I lied to them. But to be fair, I lied to myself too.

I was angry about it.

I stayed here for so long.

SO. 

Long.

I was angry that I felt ignored; angry that I reached out and others had their hands tied as well; angry that I still managed to make sure others didn’t drown like I was drowning & didn’t think to help myself because I’m stupid; angry that the pandemic did last this long in the States; angry at me for not pulling some magic trick out a hat that I’m not sure existed; just angry. (tw: self-harm, vivid imagery) I was so angry I took it out on my debit card and self-sabotaged my good spending habits. I took it out on my legs and arms and broke a seven-year long streak of not hurting myself; I carved myself up entirely and punched the bricks of my house. I took it out on people. I don’t quite know how yet, but I feel like I did. Maybe I had a shorter temper than normal; I stopped reaching out and making sure I fully listened to their problems. I kept caring more about them than myself during this phase. And they just kept taking. And I became an empty cup, they moved on; I see that I’m just disposable. Which, isn’t wrong. All I could handle and still can handle is heavy convos with my therapist. (I don’t have her anymore, that’s right. I can’t afford her anymore.) All I could handle was trying to write it out, map it out, talk it out.

I was angry I didn’t see a point anymore. I felt like I didn’t deserve the tiny wins I did see because I didn’t go through some kind of threshold of pain and suffering to earn it. I was angry and the crumbs tossed my way in the name of “diversity” and “trying to hire black” because of guilt and white performance. I was angry being lead on with a tiny thread of hope because that thread was bigger than the nothing I’ve gotten this entire time. I was so angry and blaming myself for things that were completely out of my reach and capability. I was just really angry.

I tried begging my way out of it.

I looked for online classes of any sort to traject myself into a sort of hope. Buying hundreds of dollars in books, classes, anything in information I just didn’t have prior to the pandemic; and now because of the pandemic, the information will be obsolete as the world adjusts and readjusts to its changes and collapse in remaking itself. Making flash sales on my website if it meant seeing eight dollars by the end of the month. 

I didn’t stay here long because of my own twisted viewpoint of begging.

I was depressed about it. 

I stayed here the longest. It was already enough having the above marinate within me; add to the mixture of new relative drama, relatives passing away, and just not being in a healthy household... I grew tired. I stopped taking care of myself. Anyone with depression can tell you that dealing with that darkness is an uphill battle; usually, the first to go is my hygiene. But I just slowly stopped drawing altogether. I don’t draw when I’m not together. I’ve mentioned this many times over the years verbally and in written form on here. So I just kept taking breaks. I had a small string of commissions here and there, but that was the only illustrations I could create and that was its own battle. 

I tried mentioning it to people I was close to, but after a while hearing “it be like that sometimes” just isn’t helpful and isn’t worth explaining the story. So I just stopped talking. And not having my therapist made it harder. Especially because I have a lot of emotional dumpers who don’t understand boundaries. I don’t blame them, but after a while of nonconsensual emotional dumping I had to stop listening to another group of people because I just couldn’t handle any more weight; either they didn’t see I was drowning or didn’t care. It doesn’t matter anymore. 

I couldn’t enjoy the walks recommended by many; not even my favorite restaurants; or shows; or books/mangas; food in general; people in general.

Listening to music at least helped the “I’m sinking” feeling. But it was quickly ruined with “well intent” friends with; “Maybe if you drew something you’d feel better”, “Sketch, paint, it’s therapeutic”, “dRaW”. You get the picture. It had a double sting because it acknowledged two things: These ‘friends’ don’t know much about me and what brings me happiness; This isn’t about my happiness, but more about their own selfish requests to see more work from me because they don’t know anything else besides “I’m an artist, I draw, therefore that is all I am and all that can ever make me happy”.

See it this way: You have a friend. Friend is a musician. Your friend is slowly going deaf and loses their hearing. You can at least do small, everyday sign language. But not enough to handle a full conversation. Until your deaf friend can afford that hearing aide, talking to them will be a bit harder. But instead of learning more sign, you complain about how the person can’t hear as well anymore, so they become “quieter” and you stop reaching out to them. Projecting the “why can’t you just listen”. “You know what will make you feel better? If you play your music again, make mixes. We miss that.” “You sing, why not sing to make yourself feel better.” If the person cannot hear, how can they continue to make sure their craft is correct? In tune? On tempo? If a person is not in the mood or mental capacity to draw, then how can they draw? If all you can see is that you only know about friend is that they are a musician, can they really be a friend? Or just acquaintance?

Projecting the thing you get joy from said ‘not ok’ person and just demanding they do more of the thing you enjoy isn’t helpful; but selfish. Because in that case it isn’t about the person, but you and your expectations and things that you get from said person. Once they stop giving you the thing, then it’s about ‘how-dare-you-not-give-me-my-thing’. And I stopped caring to go through this consistent loop and being talked over when trying to explain myself.

I sat in my bathtub more than I had in years; the irony is this is comforting. So for weeks, this is where my mind and mental capacity have been. Sitting in my tub, with a blanket, my phone, and my switch. I’ll stay there all day and go to bed; sometimes I’ll sleep in the tub and stay there all day. I listened to music. Just daydream. I write a bit more now for my own purposes. It’s been nice. But not enough to get me out of a funk.

I finally accept it.

I’m just a person to be there and happy for others and their things. I think I finally get that now. I’ve slowly removed myself from social media and with the expectation of performance. I’m not a performer; I’m supposed to just be the audience. While this isn’t an “I quit” because this is all my job experience the past few years now, this is just an “I surrender”. I’m used to the fact in my waking life I’m no person’s ‘favorite’ or ‘go to’; so I guess now I’m coming to terms with that with work and with drawing in general. I have company clients I’m wrapping up work for but after that, I’ll be taking down my commission information and artist alley gallery. etc. I’ll shut down the store; I’ll do one last sale and either give away/throw away my extra items.

I just have to start entirely from square one. Maybe negative one? I went on what feels like the world’s longest pity party to say I’m taking a break, and seeing how the world broke in 2020 there is a chance I won’t be able to come back. And I don’t want people jumping me say “how dare” “you don’t try hard enough” or “shut up and just wait until next year/try again next year”

I’m covering my bases. If things look up then I’ll just happily delete this later.

But I can’t just ignore the reality of it all. I’m not ok and I haven’t been. And I just want to stare at my ceiling guilt-free for a bit. (I did this last night and it is fucking gross looking, gotta clean it.) 

Stay safe, stay indoors, and stay clever.

[[TL;DR: After continuing to get beat down by the world the past two years, this year pushed me past a tipping point. I can’t keep being a lukewarm illustrator at best and I am slowly wondering if I even want to; I want the space to figure that out. And don’t want the same friends who tell me “draw this, color this” to hound me on that decision either: it has the same energy when a kid with asthma can’t breathe and you talk over them and say “just inhale and exhale”.]]

I hereby release me from the pressure to post consistently because honestly, it is the only time I hear from anyone anyway So this is me choosing silence for a bit.

[fangirlinglikeabus]

i read some non vna dw books a while ago but because i am a Clown i’ve only just finished typing up notes on them...i think my next dw book i’ll make notes as i go rather than just marking the pages and Hoping I Remember. anyway! here’s my thoughts on thirteen doctors 13 stories. i have more opinions on some than others. 

A BIG HAND FOR THE DOCTOR

"...Susan, who was possibly the only person in the universe who could make the Doctor smile at the mere thought of her."

awwwwww

didn't really like this one that much - i wasn't too impressed with eoin colfer's characterisation of the first doctor (esp since pre-ian and barbara i don’t think he’d willingly attempt to stop some villains until susan was in danger)

THE NAMELESS CITY

Polly...once described him as looking like an unmade bed.

lmao

...he didn't know exactly what he was, though when he was growing up, he had heard tales of the legendary fairy creatures of the Unseelie Court who haunted Scotland's deepest valleys. He suspected the Doctor might be one of the dark Sith.

HEAVILY vibe with this concept the world is saved by bagpipes.......peak dw THE SPEAR OF DESTINY

"You know what I love about London?" he said, turning to her briefly. She sighed. "I'm sure I can't guess." "It's the only city in the universe where you can drive around in a car that's seventy years old and get away with it." "Who says you're getting away with it?" Jo muttered. 

nkdfsjksn

"Fire away!"

"Oh, Doctor, please. Not after that business at the museum."

no doctor is immune to the temptation of a good pun. no matter how inappropriate. actually i really like how jo and three are written in this generally. there's so many good scenes. also, when the doctor asks her why she doesn't know anything about the vikings: "Doctor, we did the Romans. Every year." rip jo

From a distance the Doctor watched as a group of about twenty men loaded the TARDIS on to the back of a large low wagon pulled by four sturdy oxen.

jo: the doctor told me about the perception filter on the tardis so it'll be fine! they won't even spot it. literally the next scene, immediately:

She longed to stand and give this old goat a piece of her mind, but she knew she'd most likely fall over if she tried, which wasn't the effect she was after.

aw jo :(

"Do you know they wash once a week?" "Could have fooled me," muttered Jo.

*desperately resists the urge to write down every jo line in this story*

"I have the ship. And I have the spear. What need have I of you any more?"

the master is betrayed. to the surprise of no-one but himself.

The Doctor held her by the shoulders. "My dear girl," he said. "That is very noble of you. You were right. Your aspirations /are/ the very noblest. But you're wrong about something. Nothing is more important than you."

me, sobbing:

ROOTS OF EVIL

realised as i was reading this that i don't own any books featuring leela.....a crime

"Surprise!" the Doctor said. "You know you were complaining that you missed trees?"

this is actually the cutest thing no-one look at me

She could never understand why the Doctor was so careless of danger. It was a good thing he had her to look after him, she thought, as he opened the TARDIS door and they stepped out together into dim, green light and the earthy, warm-compost smell inside the great tree.

phillip reeve gets the four+leela dynamic. like. he Gets it. 

"It will not hurt you," she promised. "It is called a 'scarf'. It is like a cloak, only pointless."

ousdofnsoksfd

"Did it look a bit like a gravel pit? You'd be amazed how many alien worlds look just like gravel pits..."

what is doctor who. without quarry jokes.

"I mean, he's wearing a bow tie!" the Doctor explained patiently. "Ridiculous objects! I wouldn't be seen dead in a bow tie!"

1) says the guy who wears an obnoxiously long scarf everywhere 2) honey, you've got a big storm coming

TIP OF THE TONGUE

there's a scene in this where nyssa and the doctor chill at a diner and they drink chocolate milkshakes together. this is all i care about.

Good Lord, was that celery he was wearing on his lapel?

Yeah We Know

"Are you British?" Nettie said, as if this was the most surprising part of the whole thing.

i mean, fair

He paused. "I don't suppose either of you would be interested in travelling?"

the fifth doctor: hey one of my friends died recently and i abandoned the other one but i really miss having a large crew so i was wondering if you two literal children would like to risk your life travelling with me :)

SOMETHING BORROWED

you'd think given this one is from peri's pov she'd be slightly more central to the plot. ah well.

"That's two storeys up!" I exclaimed. "And I'm in heels." "Well then, you should have worn more sensible shoes, shouldn't you?"

maybe she lives in hope that she won't have to do any running/scale buildings every time she steps out of the tardis. i get that. 

"Well, you are the expert when it comes to gaudy," I said, giving a meaningful look to his red-and-yellow plaid coat and green tie.

every six story is legally obligated to drag his coat

The Doctor shook the man's hand vigorously. "Yes, yes. A little different round the edges since our last meeting on Kiri 4, but all the charm and intellect are still here."

i love this bastard.......

"Love? That contrived, chemically driven state of idiocy?"

mood

A clatter of metal was the sole warning I had before a hole in the ceiling suddenly opened, and the Doctor came tumbling down to the floor, landing in an ungraceful heap of rainbow plaid. Nonetheless, he rose to his feet with all the dignity of an Olympic gymnast who'd just landed a perfect somersault.

not to sound like a broken record but i would Die for this idiot

withholding myself from using more quotes to illustrate my unbridled love for the sixth doctor whom..........

"You might regret not helping me with this one day," she  [the Rani] called over to us. "Your next regeneration may be sooner than you think."

Huh. I Wonder What That's Referring To

RIPPLE EFFECT

From the look on his face, Ace reckoned that a visit to the Time Lords was something similar to her having to visit the dentist back on Earth.

i mean to be fair.....the time lords are a whole lot worse although in this case the doctor's reasons for not wanting to visit are: (i) they're 'old, boring and judgemental' (ii) they have stupid clothes and a stupid non-intervention policy (iii) they treat him 'like a naughty schoolboy' (can't have that in front of your companion!)

i apparently didn't have many comments to make on this one. um...it was good. i liked the idea of an alternate universe with nice daleks. MOVING ON

SPORE

"They're all dead....everyone's dead, flesh turned to liquid. It moves...There are things! Moving things! They're alive..." Major Platt looked up at the Doctor. "The caller became incoherent after that and disconnected shortly after." The Doctor drummed his fingers thoughtfully against the top of the aluminium folding-table between them. "Hmm...That really doesn't sound very good."

YEAH YA THINK?

"I was at the opera," the Doctor explained, "when my phone went off."

this is his excuse for That outfit. really just copying everything from grace here huh

THE BEAST OF BABYLON

She also didn't yet know that he wasn't a man at all.

yeah cos he's non-binary duh

"So now we're landing on Earth," he shouted, "two thousand years before the birth of Christ..." "Who?" "He was a bit like Sherlock Holmes. Knew the answers to everything. Very good at solving mysteries. Some humans use him to measure time."

obsessed with the implications of this dialogue...

THE MYSTERY OF THE HAUNTED COTTAGE

absolutely love the concept of this one...a world created from martha's memories of reading a famous five expy as a child

"What?" Martha said defensively, keeping her voice down. "That's how he was described in the books. Don't blame me. This was 1951. Everything back then was blinkered, sexist, and ever-so-slightly racist. It was a backward time." "Ah, yes," said the Doctor, "because 2007 has none of those things."

vibe with this convo

"Am I lonely?" Martha asked. "You're a particle of dust," the Doctor said. "Of course you're not lonely." "I sound lonely." "Well you're not; you're having a great time."

this conversation where the doctor tells martha to imagine herself as a particle of dust has exactly the same kind of energy as discussions you have at 3am at a sleepover

NOTHING O'CLOCK

Amy looked irritated. She wasn't irritated, but she liked to give him the impression she was, just to show him who was boss.

yeah...

ok the villains in this one are actually really fucked up like. it's been a While since i read it now because i procrastinated on making these notes but they were Good creepy. thank you mr gaiman. 

LIGHTS OUT

now THIS is one where the pov heavily contributes to the story...

He turns to look at me with piercing, hollow-set grey eyes, then furrows his impressive silvery brows. "I'm buying a coffee," he says. "For a girl."

so THAT'S why twelve took so long to find coffee for clara......he wasn't buying it on earth. good vibes

TIME LAPSE

i absolutely LOVE the concept for this one, which is that the year 2004 completely disappears from records

A typed envelope reading The Doctor, The TARDIS, Ex-Gallifrey followed by a long string of numbers, letters, and things that probably were letters but looked like they came from about eight different languages.

obsessed with the fact that (i) you can apparently send letters to the tardis, like it has an actual address (mel throwing a message in a bottle into space doesn't seem so unreasonable now huh...) (ii) part of this address is 'ex-gallifrey'

this dude gets rejected. and is so badly embarrassed that he erases 2004 from existence. i promise i'm not making this up.

[thestudyfeels]

How to Get Back Into the Creative Process

A definitive guide by @thestudyfeels 

If you follow me (highly recommended, shameless plug), you might’ve noticed that I haven't posted in, well, a million years. The reason being that for about two months I hit an incredible low when it came to making content. I had ZERO creativity and inspiration for quite some time, and if you're a creator, you might recognize that as the best recipe for disaster out there. It's finger lickin' good! (Wow, now I'm dissing KFC, what's this turning into, Wendy's twitter?)

As a rule, I refrain myself from writing posts when I'm dead, since I know without a doubt, that the ennui will automatically transfer into the post. (I sincerely hope that none of my readers are walking zombies with a taste for lifeless posts and aimless rambles. Signed, me.)

But the truth is, my life revolves only around creating and doing crazy shit so I couldn’t deprive myself of this litness for too long. It meant that I had to pick my shit up real quick and get my ass back into the game.

Which is exactly what I did. (This is how you clickbait, youngsters. Watch and learn.)

During my record-breaking low, I couldn't fathom the thought of writing because of the non-existent ideas. I really wanted to, after all I felt empty inside from not doing anything worthwhile, but the lack of inspiration was eating me alive. (Again with the zombie jokes. Sorry, lmao.)

As a creator, such experiences probably sound common. Allow me to assure you that it's okay to be completely blank. It's okay to feel like shit because you love bringing your imagination to life but just can't seem to at the moment. You will get back to grinding again. Never lose faith in that. In fact, I'm specifically writing this guide to help you get back into creating (oh, and to rant about how awesome it is and how I can't get enough of it).

[And yes, this guide works no matter what kind of a creator you are. Bloggers, vloggers, podcasters, writers, illustrators, editors - legit every single one of you who identifies as a creator. I got yo’ back, my Liams and Janes.]

Finally! Now, with the intro done, let's settle down (here's your mint tea and Oreo cookies—no, no burnt popcorn this time #DoItDifferent) and get on with what I promised. Drumroll please, for this marks the starting of a new era where you make a comeback in your field, better than you’ve ever been.

I'm excited to see you win.

Creating is tough. Truly. I find it funny how most people under-appreciate the Arts, because a) hello Monica, wake UP. We're making stuff here. Fresh, crisp, and hot out of our skull-shaped baking pans. Isn't that insane? And b) I doubt any of us would be happy without the sappy rom-com movies and mystery shows to look forward to, or philo books to engulf in a day, or fast-paced vlogs to binge watch or addicting gam- ok, you get my point.

Although most of us are aware of how incredibly demanding and magical the entire process is, we still beat ourselves up for lacking those creative juices at times. Here's a pat from my side and a reminder to NOT do that. Why? Because all creators go through a “dry period” where they feel like they're totally done and are never going to produce anything ever again. In fact, even pop stars routinely take a step back from their fast-paced lifestyles to restore their creative talent - Ed Sheeran being a somewhat recent example (and a great one, have you listened to Divide?). I mean, if they can pause their careers and afford to take a break, then so can you. So stop making excuses and take that day off.

You can also think of it this way: the juices dry up (stop sniggering, ya hoes) because you’ve been using your craft too much, too fast (remember, genius only happens in small quantities) but they start flowing better than ever after a short period of revitalization. So, if you ever find yourself stuck, gazing at the walls in despair, blank docs becoming your serial killers - take that break and don't feel guilty about doing so.

Alrighty, moving onto making that break productive and getting those creative juices back into us. Oh, and Monica? Wipe that stupid smirk off your face.

Now, I don’t know why you started creating (bless you for doing so though), but I do know that there must be something which ignites you and keeps you pushing, even when you hit the lows. This can be anything - nature, music, puppies, art galleries, your loved ones - absolutely anything that makes your soul dance inside and your face flush with pure joy.

During my break, I spent a majority of my time listening to mentors and reading non-fiction. And listening to angelic yet badass music (cough, Billie Eilish, cough). And watching sunsets. And taking pictures of said sunsets. And doing yoga outside while that glamorous sun continued to dip below the horizon. (And trusting all along that I'll get back on track soon.) All things I genuinely love, no effs given. From outside, it seemed like I was on vacay, chilling out; but from the inside, I could feel inspiration and hope trickling back in, my needle moving towards full tank once more.

Point is, DO NOT waste your break loitering about. It's fun to play and party, but the real disaster unfolds when you get back to work and realize you're in the same state again, if not worse. A creative break should centre on getting inspiration back. Figure out what feeds your soul, be it watching other creators, spending time alone, or having meaningful convos, and just do more of it. Re-energize. Rejuvenate. And revive your art.

Now that break’s over and you finally feel more in touch with your creativity, it's time to ease back into it. And I said ‘ease’ because see, the thing is you simply can't force this process. A hint: the more you force yourself for ideas, the more you start relying on your surroundings and other people's work and start losing your own originality. So don't push your creativity.

BUT, good news, if you used that break to rethink your craft, you'll ALWAYS come back with a bunch of ideas, which are much more inventive than anything you've done before. (If you don't, it might mean that you need to extend your break just a teensy bit more.)

Easing means getting back slowly. With consistency. Every single day, without fail, spend some time creating in small chunks. And you CAN'T say “fuck it” or ignore it and purposely start a new show on Netflix after closing that blank doc again in the next tab because you didn’t wanna face the guilt. That's a rule. Obviously, once you get comfortable with the process, increase your time and increase the number of “create” blocks.

This is your life, so don't you dare tell me you're tired or sad or can't make stuff, because I know you can. I've seen you produce magic before and I know you have it in you to create lit fireworks this time as well.

… And soon enough, you'll find yourself happier than ever, for you'll be creating again. I hope you'll feel proud of yourself, because I, for sure, will be.

PS: let's also talk about me finishing this post. This is the first one after my break, HOHOHO! *wiggles eyebrow, which doesn't exist* The girl's back at it again as you see, and I hope you're just getting started too.

We're in this together.

Want to read more? Kay, plopping down some related posts right away —

Read my last post: Biggest Takeaways from The Alchemist (book review, sorta?)

Mentioned: Ed Sheeran’s creative break of almost a year

Rebecca Green and her creative low (you see, it happens to everyone!)

An update chit-chat post by Rebecca on the burnout (if you want the entire story)

Interview Two: motivation to get going (talks about how inspiration comes from inside - me recommending ways to regain your creative energy won’t help for inspiration is different for everyone)

+ Want to request a blog post? Leave your request in my ask box!

Well, that’s a wrap! I post new articles twice a week, on every Sunday and Thursday, so you can follow me if you are into killing the game & conquering life. I’ll do my best to help you in the tough yet amazing journey called life. ✧

If you want to go through my blog, I suggest picking your choice of post from my masterpost list! Or, if you want to read something insightful on your cozy afternoon while chilling under blankets, I recommend reading one of my interviews. Feeling spoilt for choices? Here’s another! If you want to implement the ideas I share in my masterposts by taking action, take on one of my challenges!

I hope you are well; stay strong and conquer life, my conqueror.

— Nandini (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

[softshouyous-archive]

do yona!!!

AHHH HELLO LOVE THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! i smiled so much when i saw this ask last night thank you for enabling me hehe (under a read more because i . am very chatty today JFLKG)

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching | might watch | currently watching | dropped | hated it | meh | a positive okay | liked it | liked it a lot! | loved it | a favorite

don’t watch period | drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes | give it a go, could be your thing | 5 star recommendation (please it’s so funnie, there is amazing chara dev, oh no i forgot my last point gfjg) (the manga esp is so amazing omg thank you miss kusanagi)

fav characters: yona: she is SO strong god i . god i love her sososo much i’m tearing up just thinking about her hjkgdfhgfjdhg her chara dev is SO amazing oh my god. if you watch the first episode and then read one of the most recent chapters you’d just be stunned at the difference . i love my queen i was going to go on some more about my other faves but this would get Long so i’ll just list them: the four dragons, yoon, and lili least fav characters: gogi (goji??) and perhaps the king that they’re facing off rn, i forgot his name jkghgdfjghffav relationship: hak and yona and hak and jae ha GDFJLKGJ they’re so dumb gdjksgk OH and yona and lili fav moment:omg okay honestly my memory of yona is like . super bad esp since i sped read it like . maybe a year or two ago gdfjkghdfg so i forgot a lot, though i plan to reread soon hehe (~: i actually reread the arcs where lili appeared and wow

like okay first . yona saving lili from that guy who was on nadai??? drop kicking him and then turning to lili to ask if she’s all right??? please that was really cool.... and also like. i really love how lili saw yona and was inspired to change because of her??? like she realized her own flaws/insecurities once (?) she saw yona’s strengths and was like shit dude??? when she realized her flaws i feel like, hm how to say gdfjghjf yona’s strengths helped her improve in the areas of herself that she was unhappy with?? that just makes me feel . so warm like. wow . gjdfksgjfkd but yeah she wanted to change things > her dad wouldn’t let/help her > and she was also. really scared?? but i feel like seeing yona’s displays of courage really helped her be more brave !!!! for ex, when they were staying at the inn where the guy responsible for nadai was at, yona put herself out there and protected lili and tetora. lili questioned yona’s actions and asked if she was scared and said that she wasn’t strong. yona pretty much agreed with those things but was like ‘even though i’m scared, i have to protect you both’ (or smth) and just. wow . that really. Does Something you know??? and i just love yona so much for that she’s so admirable like putting yourself out there even though you’re scared??? i..... h. and wow i’m really going off track . i feel like that all really fueled lili’s next actions of taking the golden water seal and making all those decisions for the better in order to try to get rid of the nadai. if i remember correctly, even though she was scared and knew of the repercussions, she still went on because of the courage she saw yona had and because she really cared about her nation and i just !!!!! fuck man !!!!!!!! she’s so strong and that made me so happy to see that she wasn’t held back by her fears and that she was willing to sacrifice things for the better like . god man . 

and i just love their friendship besides that like when they hung out in the tent and just their convos are so fun!!!!! i love that yona is lili’s first friend like i think that’s so cwute ))): i would die to see an ova or an extra story of just them hanging out and having fun like god i really love their bond so much like every time they’ve had to part i get so emo like no please stay together T___T and i also really love that they’re both figures ??? of royalty in some sense idk why i think it’s kool gkjdghfdoh and that guy who tried to kill yona after they were exiled, his chara dev was great i love and appreciate that gjkfdhgjf

headcanons/theories: oh BOY i WISH i had some ugh but my brain and its lack of creativity ://// oh wait hm maybe i would like to think that hak one day is able to move on and receive some sort of closure from what soo won did ???? like i completely recognize that it’s super hard to recover from what happened ://// like god his. anger from when he first saw soo won again???? like zude . i feel like that was illustrated vvv nicely but it was also so sad to see how mad he got bc it just means that he’s hurting so much you know ))): like his anger and pain was so strong that it was so difficult to hold him back ))): 

hm i like to think that the night of when that happened, yona just sits with hak outside and he just starts talking about his feelings and yona is just there listening because hak doesn’t really talk about his feelings )): he usually  keeps the Cool and Strong front for Princess Yona but those feelings are bound to come out one day, and that day was after seeing soo won again. he goes on about how it felt to see him again and you know about how he just felt so betrayed and hurt, about how ‘i refuse to believe that the gentleness we were shown was fake’ (as said by yona but i like to think that hak feels this way too) and i just feel like that makes it so much more painful because. you have someone who was your childhood friend who was really nice to you and who you had a lot of fun with. then one day they turn around and suddenly take the life of someone very important to you. you want to hate this person and detest them and lock away any memory of them, but it’s hard because you have fond memories of them, they were a good person to you. so then it’s like how do you feel??? i feel like it leaves them feeling vvv conflicted and torn. and it’s just so. heartbreaking to hear hak express his feelings like this esp because she can Feel his hurt. they’re sitting side by side and it’s dark with Minimal moonlight but she can still see the slight tears ): she can’t hear him crying because he’s talking normally and masking it somehow gjdkfhgjf but she gently puts his head on her shoulder and takes his hand and i die unpopular opinion: hm i sadly don’t see that many akayona opins in general so i don’t know :/// oh hm one of them may be that i don’t really like soo won??? gdjkghf like i’ve seen some people say they like hm... and i honestly don’t know how to feel??? i’m trying to pay more attention to his character during my reread and right now i’m Conflicted because . you know gjdkfghdfjgf but hm he is interesting thoughhow’d you find it: OH boy so i have a friend who i watched anime with during my last year of hs and she recommended that we watch yona!!! it was sososo funny omg the anime is so fun!!!! i really loved it and decided to read the manga and oh Man am i so happy that i did because it shows way way more than the anime does and it’s SO good SO amazing i love

random thoughts: zude i feel SO sad for zeno ))): okay before i go into it, first can i just say. the fucking TRAUMA of everyone seeing his power for the first time???? when he got cut up and got his HEAD cut off ???? like miss kusanagi did not hold back with that and showed it i gjdghj and god yona’s expression when that happened like the HORROR on her face i . even though he ended up being okay, i don’t know how someone can recover from that trauma you know???? of seeing a loved one get their head taken off like that??? like god....

but anyway onto my point gdjfklgf i feel so sad for him because of his immortality )))): like he’s going to go through his life meeting and bonding with so many people that he’s going to eventually lose )): as he goes through out his life, he must get sad thinking about the people who he’s lost and how he can never talk to them again no matter what. he carries these memories of loved ones and i think that SUCKS i would literally just want to die i don’t think i can deal with a loved one dying, and for that to happen again and again forever???? like..... zude 

also jae ha is so stupid i love him  

[apostateseraphim]

Shoutout to the Dumbest Conservatives ive ever had the misfortune of interacting with

So this was shortly before Biden was elected right, and i dont remember the overarching theme of the convo, but the two trump supporters i was talking to were being stupid and just..so dumb. (suuuuuuuuuuuuprise ikik, noone saw this coming).

So at one point i like, wanted to bring up 1984, Georg Orwell, yadada you know it, and like i did that.

You know what those idiots said to me?

those absolutle FUCKING idiots, seriously went "omg you do realise thats just a book right, that didnt actually happen" as i was trying to use the book to illustrate some point lost to time, paint a picture yaknow, and these fucking IDIOTS were seriously so fucking stupid that they deadass belivived i was thinking that 1984 was an actuall historical event, and then they went around congratulating themselves on how smart they were for realising that its not. And then one of them was like "ive read harry potter too and dont think its real", and like i swear i was so close to killing a man that night.

Ive never cried because of political discourse right, but seeing how utterly fucking STUPID conservatives are, i swear i was so close.

god.

[rumbelleshowdown]

I Only Have Pies for You

Author: witchy Prompts: horror; can’t wait to leave; give it another try Group: B

“When was the last time you pissed yourself?” David looked at Ariel over the thin slip of paper in his hands. “Really?”

“Answer the question,” Jefferson sang, eyes on his recording smartphone. “Or you’ll get a pie in the face.”

David rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. “Man…college, I think. I was drunk.”

“Acceptable.” Ariel said. She shook the fish bowl, filled with dozens of identical papers, folded into squares. “Draw another.”

“I already drew one.”

“The rules are draw three, unless you get pied. You get another try,” she said, shaking the bowl for emphasis.

He rolled his eyes, glaring at Jefferson’s phone. “Do you have to record everything?”

“It’s for posterity.”

“And Ruby was so upset that she couldn’t make it tonight,” Ariel added. “We can’t let her miss out on any of the fun.”

David shook his head, reaching into the bowl, then unfurling another paper.

“Have you ever cheated?” David read. He opened his mouth, taken aback, then promptly closed it. “Oh, uh, nah.”

“You hesitated!” Ariel shrieked. “Has Mr. Goody Two Shoes gone and strayed?”

Mary Margaret, on her third glass of wine, giggled as she came up behind her fiance, wrapping an arm around his waist. “He was married when we started dating.”

“That was a lie,” Jefferson said gleefully. “Ariel, if you’ll do the honors.”

“Best close your eyes.” She exchanged the fish bowl for a pie tin, filled to the brim with whipped cream, promptly aiming for David’s face. She was sure to smear it around, not wasting any of the dessert. When she pulled back, David’s face was a mask of cream, some dripping down onto the front of his shirt.

Mary Margaret’s giggles increased, turning to delighted squeals as David tried to pull her in for an open-mouthed kiss.

Jefferson filmed it with a smile. “Who’s next?” he asked.

“How about you, Mr. Gold?” Ariel asked, having reclaimed the fish bowl. “Want to try your hand at Truth or Pie?”

Gold pursed his lips. He had known it was a mistake to let Jefferson plan a Valentine’s Day party. If it were up to him, the office would have skipped this holiday (and every other one) completely, but then he wouldn’t have heard the end of it.

That didn’t mean he had to participate.

“I know you’re new here, Arial, but that is the look of impending unemployment.”

Their eyes turned to Belle, holding a cup of punch from the refreshment table. She held it out to Gold. “Here.”

He made no move to take it. “You’re not my secretary outside working hours, Miss French.”

“You look like you can’t wait to leave,” she said rolling her eyes fondly. “I thought maybe if you if you had something to drink you’d have a reason to stay.”

Gold scoffed, moving out of Jefferson’s camera sight after taking the cup. It would have been rude not to, after she went through the trouble.

“Belle, how about you go next?” Jefferson said, nudging Arial.

Belle eyed the pair, Jefferson holding a newly loaded pie tin and his cell phone, Arial eagerly holding out the bowl.

“You have nothing to fear,” he said with his charming smile. “Provided you tell the truth.”

Belle smirked, playing along. “Sure, Jeff, cause you’re absolutely to be trusted with that.”

He winked as she pulled out a slip. Uncurling it, she read, “What was the last text you sent?” She frowned. “Oh, I can’t remember. I haven’t been on my phone all day.”

“You have fifteen seconds to check,” he said in his sing-song voice, holding the pie up suggestively.

“Oh, you—” Belle scrambled to pull her phone from her pocket, glad that her skirt today had one. She flicked open her messenger app. “Last sent was to Ruby.”

“Great. You have to read it aloud.”

She opened the conversation with a long-suffering sigh. “I really wish Gold would just—” with a look of horror, Belle slapped a hand over her mouth. “I can’t read that!”

“Well,” Arial said, stepping back. “I guess that means….”

“Pie to the face!” Jefferson barely gave her enough time to close her eyes before her nose was touching the bottom of a pie tin, the foil warmed by his hand. She coughed as he pulled it back, and suppressed a shudder as she felt a large dollop slide down her cheek.

“You just ruined my makeup. I hope you’re happy,” Belle said miserably, taking the paper towels that Leroy was offering her.

When she had managed to wipe the worst of the mess from her face, she looked around for Mr. Gold, hoping that he hadn’t been paying their silly game any attention. Being pied in front of him was embarrassing enough, let alone having to think of a good cover for what her text to Ruby had said. A quick scan of the room though, showed that Mr. Gold had gone.

Relief battled with disappointment at his disappearance. Maybe that meant he hadn’t heard any of it at all.

I really wish Gold would just…lighten up.

The sounds of the happy party were silenced as Gold shut the door to his office. He limped to his curio cabinet, not looking at which decanter he pulled out.

I really wish Gold would just…jump from his office window.

He poured himself two fingers, swallowed it with a flick of his wrist. He hardly winced at the burn. He poured more, then moved to sit at his desk, taking the whiskey with him.

I really wish Gold would just disappear.

A thousand possibilities to the ending of Belle’s text swam in his head. He knew he was aloof. He knew he kept his employees at arms length. He knew he was harsh and sharp-edged, his criticism sometimes even unwarranted.

As a rule, Gold didn’t care what people thought of him. He hadn’t realized until Belle read her message that he cared very much what she thought.

Belle, with her sunny smiles and bright skirts, who laughed at all his inappropriate jokes and was far more competent and interesting than any other secretary he had ever had.

I really wish Gold would just stop staring at me like a pervert.

At least she had had the decency to not blurt whatever she thought of him for the world to hear, even if they’d more than likely agree.

What a stupid game. He never should have given Jefferson the okay.

I really wish Gold would just—

There was a loud knock at his door. He elected to ignore it, taking another drink instead. He wasn’t sure how long he had sat there brooding, but it wasn’t long enough.

The handle turned, and the intruder walked in.

“If you really wanted privacy,” Jefferson said, undaunted by Gold’s glare, “you should have just locked the door.”

“What do you want?”

Jefferson closed the door behind him, then leaned against the polished wood. “Just because Ruby had to be at a wedding tonight doesn’t mean she was away from her phone. She was delighted to hear about David and his first marriage, by the way.”

He pulled out his phone, and started twiddling with the screen, as if to illustrate his point. Not that Gold particularly cared at the moment.

“Get out.”

“And she was only too happy to forward me Belle’s text message.” Jefferson looked up at him, smirking, a mischievous look gleaming in his eye.

Gold heard more then felt his own smartphone buzz in his desk drawer.

“Ruby’s been such a dear and screenshotted a lot of their convos. That’s actually pretty tame,” Jefferson said, nodding at his desk. “I can send you the rest, if you want.”

“That is an incredible invasion of her privacy,” he snarled, forcing his hands to stay where they were.

Jefferson shrugged. “So write us up to HR. Just thought you’d rather know for sure what your lovely secretary was keeping from you.” He tipped an imaginary hat, then slipped out the door to rejoin the party.

Gold stared at his desk, hesitating only a moment more before rifling for the bloody phone, his curiosity and masochistic nature getting the best of him.

What he read when he opened the message made him nearly swallow his tongue:

I really wish Gold would just bend me over my desk and fuck me till neither of us could walk straight.

He stared at the small screen for what felt like hours. Gold could so easily rejoin the party, try to talk with Belle like a normal person would. Apparently, she would welcome his attention, maybe even accept an invite to dinner. All he had to do was stand up and pretend that he had never read her message to Ruby. Or maybe he should come clean about it, right away. He wondered how she would react to that.

He took a last gulp of his whiskey, finishing what was left in his glass.

He needed another drink.

 ###

[iguessthisismyjournalnow]

5.6.2020

I think of my ex often. Admittedly, while I was just sexing my husband, too.

An email convo from long LONG ago. I can finally delete from my google docs. Not in chronological order (blue is me):

How did I make you feel as if I were tired of you?

You continuously would scoff at me. Your defensive tone. You literally telling me to leave you alone and go away. I’m sorry. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t realize how hurtful I was being. What do you need to be in suspicious state of mind for? Suspicion might have been a strong word choice for me to make, but i’m not sure of a better word choice. Perhaps it’s because I’m choosing to go against the stereotypical attitude towards love and sex right now. Do you feel being in Xxxxxx you are been judged by your family/friends so you have to be defensive? Yes, actually. Not so much that I have to be defensive, but that the feeling that I’m being judged leads me to act defensive out of reflex.

What do you want to do?

I would like to either have a relationship similar to your other side-pieces or a FWB one. I don’t think that you do. There is no respect for these people. This fake bf/gf isn’t working. Because I am seriously not comfortable with you laying with other people in my current mindset. The mindset that this current situation is causing is making we wonder why your with other people. Maybe it’s my male ego/stupidity but I do not understand if you are getting the emotional/intellectual/sexual contact you want/need all from me (on a relatively consistent basis) then why do you need these others? There’s not a need. There was a want for varied life experiences. There is a want to retain the feeling of independence that comes with dating as doing the opposite is what is so ingrained in commitment to another person. I still feel like I can’t ask myself to act as a married person until I’m married or until the date is set to be there. It makes me feel that I am not enough. Also, it makes me feel like there is still curiosity on your part in regards to what else is out there. And if that is the case, when will that be done?Everyone will always be curious. When we’re old and gray, you’ll wonder. Everyone does. However, I will cease to act on my curiosities once we’ve made the decision to marry one another after your careful consideration and perhaps the intervention of a professional. When I move back to Xxxxxxland The Xxxxx Xxxxxx area will all this be continuing ?(because if so, I need to start building my XXXland Xxxxxx area team now as it takes much much much much much more effort for a man to find a fuck-buddy(s)) I’m not sure. It depends on how serious we are about taking steps toward marriage. The more concrete everything is for me, the less I want to be bothered with those people.

I apologize for those actions with Xxxxx and Xxxx as they are individuals that you know and I should’ve known that it would hurt you. It wasn’t that I knew them or what you did with them, it’s the fact that I have to (or would have had to at the comedy show) be around them and look them in the face and let them act all buddy buddy with me knowing they don’t care about me that hurts me. I don’t like hanging out with women that don’t really care about me. If you notice, I generally stick with the women I love that love me back. I get enough shit from my Mom and Grandmother, so I don’t have patience for women that are willing to fool around with someone that I am so connected to. I believe that it is okay to be angry and jealous (about Xxxxx and Xxxxxx-even though nothing really happened between us Did you make the whole head thing up?) but acting on the anger/jealousy is not cool. By telling me about your “others” just pushes me away more. I do not tell you what I’m doing on the side to avoid these situations (as you can see once you push me on the issue, you tend to get information that you did not want I didn’t have to push you to get information about Xxxxx. I knew exactly what happened by the fact that you weren’t where you said you would be after volunteering to take her home. I just wanted to know if you cared enough about me to be honest and confirm what I knew.).

I understand that you do not want to cause a conflict in regards to your birthday, but I think there are many other ways to say that without letting me know you going have some dude over on your birthday. Now, on Xxx XXth :) when I’m chilling, getting wasted, all I’m going be thinking is someone else is giving you birthday sex (great visual) What was I supposed to say other than what I said? I have all kinds of visuals of you, too, but I hope that a visual doesn’t take away from love we actually have for one another

You talking to some guy about our issues really hurt. I do not know when I’ll get over that. Not really because you talked to some guy, but that you felt comfortable enough to do so with someone I never met/knew. Is he a friend?I thought he was, but in hindsight he was just an associate that I mistakenly confided in. Once I realized what it really was, I stopped opening up so much of my life and inner workings to him. Was this going on for a long time during our relationship? We were talking more heavily in June, so one solid month. Was there a reason I never knew of him? Not really, other than the fact that we just didn’t hang out. Has he always been on the sideline? What exactly do you mean by sideline? If you mean someone that I’ve talked to before, yes, I knew him long before I knew you. As far as sideline like someone I could or would be in a relationship with, or someone that I fooled around with when we were together, that answer is no. Is he still on the sideline? I do have some contact with that person (if this is what you mean) and understand that it needs to end in the event that you make it clear that we are to become more serious. Your recent actions (putting information out there because of spite) makes me question what else you would do if you felt like you got hurt. *Also it does not help to tell me that you had access to this person* I understand your questioning. However, I have acknowledged that problem and can only show you that when times get tough I won’t do the same. Also, the reason I mentioned access wasn’t to make you feel worried, it was to illustrate that even when I was feeling low that I didn’t cross that line.

You won't trust me when the time comes

The time will not come if we do not trust each other. Church.

You may not make it here to Xxxxx after all

I am coming to Xxxx (maybe not Xxxxx) depending on job situation.

You're seeing me as "less than

I will never see you as less than. However, I want to see you happy and doing what you want to do. If I see that not occurring then I will question how you see yourself. I feel that this may be a self-projection because no one I know you interact with(me included) say or act in a way for you to have that notion.

My current financial situation will scare you away.

I have known about your financial situation for 8yrs now and I’m still here. The only thing that would get me upset is if I do not see you trying to handle your financial situation. But right now, I am not in the position in your life to engage you in that type of conversation.

I love you XXXXXX and that will never change I love you, too, and always will.

Xxxxxx