#I made an alt for it which would feel like cheating

[asleepinawell]

moodboard of how to motivate me into doing something monumentally stupid

[mysticalsoot]

he said he'd cure your ills (but he did and he always will)

A/N; i wrote this in like an hour which is entirely a record for me lmao. there will be an alt vers posted tomorrow!! i’ll also post an intro and masterlist later!!

TW// manipulation, cheating, swearing, Wilbur is a bitch, it gets worse before it gets better sorry, fluff at the end I promise, partial derealization??, most of it is a nightmare.

Words; 2,004

Pairings; cc!Wilbur x Reader

Pronouns; Not mentioned, one use of y/n

Inspired by;  The Smiths – This Night Has Opened My Eyes

Bittersweet angst version here

masterlist

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"Wilbur," You begin, voice trembling and caked in uncertainty, "Don't go. You can't."

"Why can't I? I have free will," Wilbur's tone is sharp like claws that slowly pick at the flesh around your heart, begging to rip it from your chest. And you're sure it will. His arms are flayed out, stretched out on either side of him. The same way they always are when he's angry. "Who's to stop me from leaving your pathetic excuse of a person?"

"You don't mean that.." Your voice gives out at the end, and you back up from him and into the wall. You want to run.

You want to scream.

You want to call him names.

Yell at him the way he's been doing to you.

Threaten him in the same ways, only worse and more tortuous than he could ever come up with.

But he's right.

You're pathetic, and so you curl up inside yourself, you freeze, and you die inside. You're rotting from the outside in. You're rotting, and isn't it his fault?

"I mean every word." His words come out slowly, it's calculated, the way he says it. It's like he really does mean to hurt you, that every word is a swing of the sword he's wielded for months. Slowly getting duller as each swing cuts deeper.

First, it was the distance; he stopped being as affectionate in public or at home. He no longer asked for it either, he just let you initiate it as if it was a chore he'd rather forget about for months on end. But you let it go, he was probably just tired!

And then it was the phone calls; his phone would ring and he would leave the room. He always said it was "work" stuff, but you knew the people he worked with and you were even friends with his manager, let alone his bandmates. But you let that slide too. Who knows, maybe it was a secret project! It's not that concerning..

The last straw was your friends. They were his as well, but they were just as much yours as they were his.

They were the ones that caught him. Up until this point you had been willingly oblivious, always pushing the gut feelings and the second thoughts as far away from you as possible and burying them six feet in the ground.

Wilbur was out during the day, he had gone to the beach that day (although he told you he went to the studio), to meet up with them. James was walking past the boardwalk that afternoon and he saw the tall man over by the water, out of the corner of his eye. He thought it was odd given the fact that Wil almost never went to the beach without you. So, he moved to a closer spot and hid far enough away that he wouldn't be noticed by his friend but close enough he could still see. It was deceptive and over the top, yes, but James was always one for theatrics.

He watched as Wilbur had gotten closer to the person he was with, holding their face the same way he watched him hold yours. He smiled at them the same way he smiled at you. But this person, they were the complete opposite of you and it made James' blood boil. He knew that you had no knowledge of this person because if you had known, he would have known. And he was in the dark, so you must be too.

And unfortunately, he was right. He went to the others first, the band, Alex, Tommy, Niki.. He covered all the bases for your closest friends and gathered them all together for dinner and game night at his place. And so, James told them everything, everything he saw or heard; the fact you probably didn't know.

They hatched a plan that night, after discussing all of the details, and their own suspicions. The plan was simple, they would stage an intervention. When worded like that, it sounds as if they pushed you into it. They didn't, the words they used were this; we found something out and we think you should know, but we have to tell you in person; and don't bring Wilbur.

It caught you off guard for sure and it filled your body with buzzing worry and nausea. But it subsided when you had gotten to the agreed apartment (Niki's), only to build again when you saw the expressions on their faces. Ones of grief, guilt, and pain.

They told you everything.

And then you went home (after plenty of comforting until you were semi-stable again), and you told Wilbur. You knew. There was no getting past you anymore. The secret was out.

And now you're here. He's making it out to be your fault and you so desperately want to believe it's not, but his arguments are more compelling and convincing than you thought.

"You, Y/N, have always been a nuisance. You're clingy, and possessive, you talk too much and you never know when to stop. It's always Wilbur this and Wilbur that. You never give me a break. You're overbearing, you're controlling. And I hate every fucking bit of your shit existence!" It hurts so bad to hear every word he says and know that he means it. The ache in your chest feels like a throbbing and if you didn't know better you would've assumed your heart had been ripped out and shredded over and over and over again, the hole in your chest then gushing blood from the half-assed job of heart surgery. All done by the sharpness of Wilbur's words.

God, you wished this was just a dream.

"If I'm such a nuisance, why have you stayed?" You ask, tears burning the skin of your red cheeks. The bags under your eyes are more prominent now than ever, it's the exhaustion from life combined with the stress of...this.

"Because I pitied you," He pauses, eyes narrowing before stepping forward, closer to you, "I never loved you."

You wish this was a dream, it has to be. He's not this cruel, it can't be him.

"What about the promises you made? Did those mean nothing to you?" You're begging him to spare your heart now, to not rip into it in the same way he ripped it from your chest. Your tone simply begs; please spare me, Wilbur, please.

"I never meant a word."

You feel yourself fade from reality, the sight of his anger-ridden red face fades into darkness, your surroundings going with it.

And then your body is frozen. Everything is black and you're crying, you can feel the wetness on your skin, somehow chilling you whilst burning you at the same time.

"Hey, hey, hey.." A soft voice speaks, it's muffled and you can barely make it out, but it's familiar; comforting.

You want to say something but your throat is locked, it's just as frozen as the rest of you, and you can't speak.

"It's okay, it's just a dream." The voice speaks again, and your brain subsides the fog previously inhabiting it and you remember. It's Wil.

Your eyes shoot open, his arms are wrapped around you, your head resting on his shoulder with his chin resting on the top of your head.

You shake your head, "No, no," you sniffle, grabbing onto the t-shirt he slept in, a simple white Los Campesinos! shirt, "it's not okay, it's not okay." The fabric entirely muffles your words on his shoulder but he can hear, he can make it out.

He pulls you closer to him, arms holding you in a tighter grasp. The feeling is warm, fuzzy, and good.

"Love, you're okay. I promise it's not real. This is real, I'm real, you're real." Wilbur rests his cheek against yours, the warmth of his touch enveloping you in a care you'd almost forgotten could exist.

You open your mouth to argue, but find yourself without words yet again, you simply whimper as you cry into his shoulder, soaking it in tears. He traces circles on your back as he whispers to you all of the things you didn't know you needed. He's warm, he's loving, and he's nothing like the nightmare Wilbur.

Moments pass until you've cried all the tears you could, and you pull away from his shoulder to look at him, adjusting yourself to sit in his lap facing him, rather than laying across his lap like before. The circles under his eyes are darker, and his hair, albeit longer than usual, is fluffed up and sticking up in every direction. He looks tired and worn, but his eyes hold the same concern and worry he has whenever you're upset.

He reaches his hands out to you, palms up and hovering in front of you. You take his hands in yours, holding on tightly, hoping and praying this isn't a dream either and you can stay. You desperately hope this is real. You want it to be real.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks, head dipping slightly to meet your eye level, he's still taller than you even when sitting.

You weigh the options, if you told him, he would console you most likely. Or something would click and he would act in the same way he did in the nightmare, irritable and cold. Cut off from you. Was the risk worth it?

On the other hand, if you lied or perhaps omitted details, he may move on and the risk of him mimicking that same behavior is tremendously less likely.

You choose to tell him, there's a risk to it but what could it hurt?

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, "You cheated on me." You open your right eye a bit, just enough to gauge his reaction.

He looks to you expectantly, knowing there's more and so he waits patiently. You let go of his hands and move forward towards him again, wrapping your arms around his middle and your face pressing up against his chest. You can hear Wilbur's heartbeat, a pitter-patter against his ribcage.

"It was a long dream. James caught you and he told our friends and then they told me. Everyone else suspected it but didn't want to believe it until they had gotten proof. I didn't know until then. I went home and I told you that I knew and you-" You pause, voice wavering in fear. "You blew up on me. You told me you never loved me and told me all the things you hated about me." A single tear runs down your cheek, and you nuzzle further into him, your hands gripping the back of his shirt. "You said you never meant the promise we made. You didn't mean it."

After you finish, you stay silent, and so does he. His breathing becomes uneven and before you know it, he's crying too. You lift your head up to face him again, your hands rest on his cheeks and you wipe away the tears on his face with your thumbs.

"I would never, ever, do something like that." He mutters, his arms tightening their grip on you, pulling you closer.

You nod, "I know. But it was still scary."

He nods back, and then places a kiss on your forehead, "I'm sorry, Wil." You whisper, your arms leaving his back to wrap around his neck.

"It's not your fault, my love. We all have fucked up nightmares like that from time to time. I promise."

It's a simple promise, a promise that you're not alone and that he too has dealt with similar things. And despite the turmoil of the dream, you're glad you're awake and no longer in that hellish world.

You're home, and home is him.

Wilbur said he'd cure all of your ills, but he did and he always will.

Wilbur is yours and you are his. And you couldn't be happier.

[jalshristovski]

Hey guys, serious post ahead and TW for pedophilia, grooming, xenophobia, racism, and other stuff

There’s a pretty popular creator on Instagram and Tumblr (though I believe she deleted her account) in Yugotalia/Balkantalia fandom, her username was @borisyoghurth

I frequently saw her stuff reposted by others in the fandom who maybe had no idea about her true intentions or how she was as a person

We believe she deleted all of her social media after admitting to everything in an Instagram story (which I will post last because it’s glitching and won’t let me type anymore after the image)

I was in a group chat with her as well for a while, and my friend was personally victimised by her (as outlined in the doc) and I think it needs to get out there that she was, and IS, dangerous. She is a predator and has groomed several people that we know about.

I won’t go over everything that’s already in the Google doc, but I will share my experience with her:

She was very weird to me from the start, but I tried not to judge her too harshly because people are each different. I didn’t realise when I met her I believe she was already in her 20s. Me and my other friends in there are around the same age, and I was 18 when I met her (my friends mostly 17 and 18).

She flirted with me a bit in chat, or rather “flirted” because it was a little weird. There was a little rumour in the chat she had caught feelings for me but I paid it no mind because I didn’t see her like that. We hardly even messaged outside of the chat. I fit all of our DMs into 3 screenshots.

I had made the group chat, asked Mara about a chat with some other Balkan friends (and at that point we had not known about Ivana’s intentions or nature) so it was just the five of us. My friends, and Ivana. But at some point a few months later, Ivana had added several people with out my permission (or anyone’s, for that matter) including one person who openly cosplayed a pedophilic/incest ship (NorIce) which made me extremely uncomfortable. I told Mara and left the chat. All of that before I even knew what Ivana was truly like

As outline in the doc, she’s also highly xenophobic to Macedonians which makes me a bit confused as she would flirt with me and she KNEW I am Macedonian. And it also makes her BulMace art (which already gives me the ick) so much more sinister.

Anyway, if you ever interacted with her just please try avoiding her and being careful who you talk to. She’s the second predator I’ve met in the Yugotalia fandom since I’ve been here in 2018. I don’t know if she’ll try to make alt accounts or not, but be careful who you talk to. Stay safe out there.

And please, spread this if you can.

[dazed--xx]

Breathless 2 (Alt. Ending)

Member: Hyunjin x reader  

Word count: 14.1K

IDOL CAMEOS: Karina-Aespa, Yeji-Itzy, Lia-Itzy, Jinhwan-Monsta X.

Trigger warnings: toxic relationships, ANGST, happy ending, mentions of smut no smut actually featured, fake texts, mentions of drinking/getting black out drunk, mentions of cheating, mentions of marijuana use, crying, arguments, mentions of anxiety. anything else i could have forgotten.

A/N: So this the alternative ending. So many people asked for a happy ending and my original plan was not to have one but i did make this alt ending for all my fluffy happy ending lovers most of the two stories are the same until the final confrontation. Im still willing to write drabbles for these characters and everything so thank you for enjoying.

Part 1    Original Ending

You were grateful for Felix having come into your life. Ever since your break up with Hyunjin, two months ago, He’s been your rock through it. From taking you out anytime you felt you needed to get away, to cuddling with you and watching a movie, and some days like, today, when Hyunjin does reach out to try to talk Felix is the one to usually urge you to at least get closure. You immediately found yourself wandering aimlessly until Felix picked you up and brought you to the beach. But you being sad didn’t mean you didn’t get out of the ‘closure’ lecture.

“You know....”  

Felix trails “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually you deserve an explanation......and closure” you sigh in response, adjusting yourself against the uncomfortable pebbles beneath you. Your eyes trail over the setting sun dancing across the water, waves crashing against the rocks on the shoreline. “I can get an explanation from Ye-na before I get the slightest truth from Hyunjin” Felix flinches at the way you say Hyunjin’s name. He stands in his place almost dumbfounded. “Listen helmet, like honestly, I would 100% agree that what he did was wrong but he looked genuinely heartbroken when you ended things. You should at least hear him out if not for him then for yourself. Wouldn’t you want to know why he cheated?” you shake your head in response. “Why would I ever want to know why?” You growl. “So, you don’t feel like it's your fault, which is what I know you feel.” you force your eyes away from the water “and how could you possibly know that?” you counter. He shrugs in response running his hand through his hair before placing extending out to you “the face you made just told me, but let's get out of here please you know what kind of people hang out around these parts at night” you chuckle in response as you grab his hand “I literally met you right over there” you pointed toward the pier “So they're your kind of people Yongbokie~” you tease.  

His face is flat “Dude they're STILL looking for me”  

It was your turn to shrug “And? Why'd you piss them off” his mouth hangs open “I didn’t purposely piss them off I just.......slept with the leader's sister......” “And?” you urge him to continue “And he walked in okay!” he responds. You couldn’t contain your laughter, “Wait! He saw little yongbokie!” you struggled to regain composure as you approach Felix’s bike. “1! How was I supposed to know he would walk in she said she was going to be home alone for hours she miscalculated. And 2! Don’t name my dick especially a title that implies its little. When it very much isn’t” you roll your eyes at him. “Suuuuurrrrrreeeee” his face forms a scowl. “What? You want to see? Don’t think you’d be able to handle it” he urges, his hand wrapping around your hair forcing your head back pressing your back against his chest. You squeak in responds your face turning toward him “Don't threaten me with a good time” you tease facing him brushing your noses together before running your hand down his torso making your way toward his waistline before his hand grips at your wrist “FINE! Fine! You won this time okay” he jumps. You chuckle in response “Lixie, you act like I don’t win every time you try to play this game with me”  

“You only win because I let you. I have no problems with being a rebound honestly and if I wanted to win, Helmet, you’d have been in my bed the night after you broke up with Hyunjin” He states. “Hmm I'll keep that in mind then” you shrug as he starts his motorcycle. “You know you're quite annoying, even Karina gets somewhat flustered when I talk to her” he snaps. You giggle “Lix, you’re really attractive and honestly at first you definitely made me really blushy but I was with Hyunjin so it was really easy to kind of shrug it off you know?” you state softly. The wind kissing your cheeks. “But, if I ever felt like you know, ready to move on, you’d probably be the first person I'd sleep with” you finish matter of factly. He nods in response “Shit just let me know, I can definitely make you forget all about Hyunjin” He winks biting his bottom lip before hopping onto his bike.  

“But it's cold so you coming or not?”  

______________________________________________________________

You sighed as you walked toward your dorm’s entrance, you weren't excited for Lia’s questioning on why you had randomly left the dorm, completely disappearing while she showered. You dragged your feet as if they were imbedded in cinderblocks, formulating a plan to make a beeline for your bedroom and locking the door. You regret taking the stairs as you enter the door to your floor, your legs aching. Your eyes not leaving the ground as you continue your path to your bed. Your hands fidgeting with your keys, you let out a loud sigh. Finally lifting your eyes as you come close to your door, your heart sinking as you see your ex sitting in front of it. You consider running back toward the stairs before he could notice you, yet luck was not on your side as his eyes find you and he jumps to his feet.  

You freeze in shock, it’s the first time you’ve seen him since you broke up and he didn’t look too good---well he still looked absolutely gorgeous, but you could see the lack of sleep in his eyes. Ghost trails of tears stained on his face, his hair was disheveled and he was still wearing the same clothes from the night you had broken up. Your throat tightens, you felt your fingers tingling; you’re face heated up rapidly. You hated that, even with the pain he’s caused you, he could still make your heart race. You felt your heart ache at the sight of him in pain. Still, there’s a light in his eyes when he looks at you.  

“Bab--Y/N....” his voice is coarse “C-can we talk.... please?”  

His eyes are pleading as he slowly makes his way toward you. You release a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, looking toward the ground once again shaking your head. “Y-you need to go...” you mumble. Your eyes notice his shoes now in view, you can feel the heat radiating off him due to his closeness. “Please....I-I just want to talk--I don’t know what else to do. You don’t answer my calls or-or texts. I don’t understand what happened--I feel like I can't breathe” he begs, you feel his hands on your arms igniting a fire in your stomach. You jump at the contact your head whipping to look at him as you force his hands off you. “No.” you state coldly. “You need to leave now, Hyunjin” you shove your way past him to your door. Forcing your key in the lock and turning before you turn back to your ex. “You lost your chance to talk to me the moment you fucked anyone else while we were together. Leave before I call security” “I didn’t--I sw-” his pleads are cut off by you slamming the door behind you.  

Hyunjin stood in shock, tears welling in his eyes. He knew it was going to be hard to get you to forgive him but how could he even begin to try to fix things if you wouldn’t even look at him. His heart clenched in his chest. This isn’t happening...... he thinks to himself. The same words that’s been playing in his head since that fateful night. He didn’t know what else to do, he was so lost. He’s never felt pain like this before and he still couldn’t understand why. He knows what you believe but he still doesn’t even understand what Ye-na told you. And when he confronted Ye-na she just laughed at the ‘irony’ as she had stated boldly. He’d spent countless hours these past two months staring at nothing but his phone screen waiting for something---anything in return from you. Losing you was the last thing he could have ever wanted. He knew he should leave; he knew you wanted him to go, but he couldn’t he needed to try. He needed you to talk to him. With a shaky breath he lifted his phone and immediately pressed the call button of your contact. Pressing his back against your door and sliding down.  

“Fuck......” he cried as he ran his hand through his hair. Of course, you’d reject his call. He wanted to scream, to beg for you to talk to him; his mind flashed to the way you flinched at his touch. He wanted to go back, back to when he first got his chance with you. He'd change everything, he’d appreciate everything he had. He needed to hold you again, if he could go back, he would have stayed every time you’d ask. He’d show you he loves you, because he did—he does. He wishes he’d realized it sooner, anything to just have you back. He hates that he confessed his love when he did. He knows what you probably think, but he needed you to know. He thought it would reassure you that he didn’t want anyone else. His phone buzzed in his hand. His heart lit up at your contact.  

He knew it wasn’t much, but it was something. You responded; he didn’t care it was to tell him to leave. He immediately went to respond, only for his message to be interrupted by a call from Jisung. He sighed to himself as he pressed the answer button. “Hell---Dude, you gotta go home” Jisung interrupted. “What are you talking about?” Hyunjin questioned with faux confusion “I am---no! You're not! you wanna know how I know you’re not?! Because I’m at your place! Dude! Come home, okay? If she wants to talk to then she will but you can't camp out in front of her dorm its honestly fucking creepy!” Jisung exclaims. Hyunjin rolls his eyes, biting his lip. “Fine, just-just stay their asshole”  

“Dope, when you get back, you’re taking a fucking shower and cleaning your room bro this is gross and honestly no girl would even look at you let alone talk to you judging by your place.” Jisung whines.  

“So fucking leave then!” He snaps.  

“See I would, but I’m the hot one now and I just need a second to soak it in so get home while you still look like shit” Jisung exclaims excitedly. And for just a moment, Hyunjin considers murdering his best friend. Scoffing, he quickly ends the call before lifting himself off the ground. He gives one last look at your door before he makes his way back to his dorm, leaving his heart in his place.

______________________________________________________________

Your dance class has been.... awkward to say the least. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, you can feel Ye-na's glare and Hyunjin’s love sick longing stare on you. Jisung still follows Karina around like a lost puppy so you have to sometimes deal with the occasional run in with him. Jisung, as Hyunjin’s best friend, is one of the few that truly knew what was going on in your past relationship. Sometimes you thought he knew even more than you about your own relationship with Hyunjin. He remained polite sometimes looking at you with sad eyes when he notices Hyunjin’s pleading gaze. You questioned as to why he sat here with you when his own best friend sat across the room, not paying attention to his dance partner and focusing on you and only you.  

You honestly felt exceptionally confused. Why was Hyunjin acting like this? A question that’s lingered in your mind for days. He had ignored you for the majority of your relationship, only showing interest a select number of times that didn’t involve sex. You were together for a little over a year and if you were to say you didn’t love him it would be a lie. You loved him, you still love him but he obviously didn’t feel the same if he had seeked out another woman. You hated yourself for not hating Ye-na, you don’t know if she knows you overheard her conversation with her friend but honestly, you owed her a huge thank you. For months you couldn’t figure out how Hyunjin had felt about you, and in a few words, you learned that he did not feel the same way. You didn’t blame her; she wasn’t the one that promised you exclusivity so how could you hold a grudge against someone that got played by the same person. He probably made false promises to her as well, so, why the heartbroken pouty expression that wouldn’t leave his features. You feel like you should at least talk to him, but every time you went to respond to him; Ye-na's words rang through your head. Why would he say you guys were nothing serious and then declare his love for you?  

You had practically the exact same conversation with everyone beside Karina, who had suggested you talk to him, after a certain violent act pertaining to a very vital reproductive organ was performed; which you had considered but immediately shot down. You didn’t want to talk to Jisung about it so you had gone to Changbin, who also told you to talk to Hyunjin and nothing more or less. You felt like pulling your hair out and you knew you’d regret it but you decided to talk to Jisung, he’d have the most knowledge about everything and you were honestly still to hurt to face Hyunjin so this was your best bet. You let out a shaky breath before you stood up and looked at Jisung. “Hey can you come with me to something from the vending machine in the music department?” It was no secret that the vending machine in the music department contained the best snacks and drinks, the foreign stuff. But you hoped that he would understand that there was more to you asking other than you craving things.

The confused look on your face told you he didn’t catch it, “Why?” He asked, Karina slapped the back of his head “Ouch! Why’d you do that?” He whined rubbing his injury “Because you’re stupid. Bring her genius! she can't get into the department without a music major” She snapped as she rolled her eyes. His cheeks heat up in embarrassment “Sorry” he apologized as he stood from his place. You felt eyes burning on you and Jisung as you made your way out of the studio. You look at Jisung quizzically as you notice him looking across the room before almost crashing into the door if you didn’t pull him out the door behind you. “Jesus, Han I think you’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached” you tease, raising your eyebrow to him. He chuckles in embarrassment as he fixes his shirt “Sorry, I was—Hyu--I got distracted” He looks away as he stammers.  

“That’s actually why I wanted to go to the music department. You’re Hyunjin’s best friend you probably know way more than me about---Y/N I told you I don’t know if what Ye-na said is true” He cuts you off. You shake your head rapidly “No that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about”  

“Oh” He states in confusion “well then.... what about Hyunjin did you want to talk to me about?”

“Well, as you probably know I still haven’t talked to him about things, BUT the night we broke up. He said something that has me really confused” You explain. “Well....what did he say? I can’t really help you unless I know, you know?” He states softly, you pause for a moment “He told me he loves me.” Jisung’s eyes widen “He finally confessed?! And He didn’t even tell me?! I’m supposed to be his best friend, his ride or die, and he doesn’t even tell me that” he exclaims in betrayal. You snap in his face while he continues his rant “Hanji, Focus. So, you do at least know how he feels then” Jisung shakes his head at you “Oh no no no little lady, Karina warned me this talk was coming. It's not my place to tell you how Hyunjin feels about you. You need to talk to him if you want answers” You scoff “Karina told you to say that?”  

“No! I’m saying it!” Jisung exclaims “Honestly Y/N, I’m his best friend he’s not doing okay in all of this and He wants to tell you how he feels and what you mean to him. And as his best friend and knowing how he feels I know he needs to be the one to tell you. You think you’re the only one hurt right now but you’re not. My best friend is going through his first ever break up, and he’s heartbroken. And I’m not making excuses for him, you had a good reason to break up with him he promised you loyalty and he didn’t keep that promise I guess but let’s be real here you know the kind of guys we are. Were you really surprised? You probably thought this would have happened anyway because let's be honest here me and Hyunjin aren’t built for relationships. I don’t know if he’s ever cheated on you like for real but I do know that I wouldn’t be surprised or disappointed if it turns out he did if I were you.”  He states honestly, as his hand grasps your shoulder stopping you. “So, what? I should forgive him if he did?” You question. Jisung shakes his head “No, you shouldn’t honestly just cause I’m that kind of guy doesn’t mean I'd say you should forgive him. If he cheated dump his ass and move on you want loyalty, you’re that kind of girl.”  

“So, I should......?” you prod.  

“Talk to Hyunjin Y/N” Jisung scoffs

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin didn’t know why he had done it, honestly, he knew why he’d done it but he doesn’t know exactly what could come of him messaging Felix; But he knew one thing for sure, he was running out of options. He was losing his mind thinking of ways to get you to talk to him, He knew Felix would at least have some insight into how you were feeling, judging by your social media, you’ve been with Felix every day since the breakup. Your friendship with Felix had always brought an uncomfortable ache in Hyunjin’s chest. He’d realized you deserved better than himself long before you had met Felix, but it wasn’t until after that Hyunjin realized you deserved someone like Felix. He could see that glint in your eye every time you talked to him and it always made Hyunjin feel like throwing up. That is until you had broken up with him and Felix had messaged him almost immediately that he had brought you home, that you were safe and needed time. Hyunjin had realized, in the short time he’s spent talking to him, that Felix truly cared for you so much so that he’d continuously update Hyunjin on your condition. Hyunjin hated himself for ruining things so much that he couldn’t be with you anymore, but at least he had a way to make sure you were okay, at least he had Felix.  

So, Hyunjin used his last hail Mary and messaged him to see if he would want to get something to eat and talk, only to be eagerly surprised when Felix had agreed. So here Hyunjin sat, in a pizza restaurant that Felix had picked out, his eyes focused on the cream-colored table. His hands holding onto each other while his arms rested on his shaky legs. What would Felix say? Hyunjin wondered. He wanted to ask your dance partner how you were, if you were doing okay, what you were thinking about when it came to your relationship, did you feel like a part of you was missing too. He couldn’t even touch the pizza he had ordered. He felt nauseous waiting for Felix. His breath was shaky when he heard the chair in front of him scoot out. His eyes slowly lift to be greeted by the warmest smile. Hyunjin could see why you went to Felix every day for comfort, from just his friendly smile alone Hyunjin felt himself calming down. “S-so, uh, y-you're probably wondering why I asked you to come here” Hyunjin stammered. “Well, technically I picked this place but sure I guess, I figured you probably wanted to talk about Y/N you know?” Felix chuckled as he reached for Hyunjin’s soda, “You don’t mind, do you?” Felix questioned, Hyunjin stared at him in shock and shook his head no.  

“No-well—yes, I want to talk about her but it's not just for that reason!” Hyunjin explained nervously “Look, I know how she feels right now and I know I’m the reason for that, but I just want---no I need to explain. I don’t know if she’d forgive me, but I fucking hate that I hurt her and I just-I need her back. She was the best thing that’s happened to me and I fucked it all up and I don’t know how to fix it and I hate myself for not knowing what to do right now. In the past I would have just said fuck it and moved on and just forgot about her. ----sigh----but I can’t. I can’t just move on; I can’t just act like she never existed. I love her and I need her to know that. I won't fuck this up again if she gave me a chance but she won't talk to me and I feel so fucking lost without her” Hyunjin felt tears well up in his eyes the longer he continued, soon his eyes never left Felix’s face “and you’ve been so nice to me, you don’t know me and you know how badly I've hurt her, and she’s your friend so you should hate me but you came here and-and you let me know that she’s safe. And I know she’s safe when she’s with you. You didn’t have to do any of this but you did and I owe you a lot honestly and I don’t know how to repay you” Felix’s features twist into a cognitive look.  

“Well, the only thing I want, and I think Y/N wants, is the truth of if you did cheat on her with Ye-na” Felix responds stoically

“she’s the only person I'll answer that question to” Hyunjin groans rubbing his temples “If she’d ever talk to me”  

“You ever try just explaining”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I mean, genius, you ever try just texting her your explanation and just hope she reads it?” Felix suggests. Hyunjin sat there with a dumbfounded look on his face “You’re a fucking idiot” Felix groans as Hyunjin shakes his head. Why had he never thought of that? “Instead of wasting your time begging her to talk to you and let you explain. You should just explain. If she responds, she responds, if she doesn’t then, well, at least you explained yourself.”  

______________________________________________________________

You don’t know what you were thinking when you decided clubbing with Karina, especially for the first time, was a terrible idea. The dress Karina put you in was WAY too form fitting and very short. The music was exceptionally loud, vibrating the room with its pulsing beat and the guys were......eh, from trashy pick-up lines, to just grinding against you while you danced. At this moment, you longed for the days where Jisung would flirt with you, at least there was.... well, finesse, if you had to choose a word for it. If you had to give anything to your ex and his friends they definitely knew how to flirt and get a girl to go home with them, and not due to just their devilishly handsome faces, they had an aura around them that spewed confidence and experience. But instead, here you stood, with a handsome guy yet you felt bored. You find yourself comparing him to Hyunjin a lot. He talks about himself a lot, Hyunjin didn’t do that at least he’d seem interested in you when you guys were together; this guy didn’t. You think his name was Ji-Han or Jin-Hwan or something. When he brushes a stray hair out of your face you notice the couple ring on his finger, you pull your head away from his touch when you feel an arm snake around your waist pulling you back toward their figure. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t touch my girlfriend” a familiar deep voice stated from behind you. The guy stood in shock, before Felix pulled you farther down the bar.  You stare at him eyes widen; you bite your lip in embarrassment when you see the scowl on his face.  

You think Felix, may be your guardian angel, you immediately wrap your arms around his neck; thanking him profusely. You felt him shake his head before wrapping his arms around your waist lifting you slightly. “You’re lucky you’re cute” He groans before he lets you go and ruffles your hair. “Why you so mad? Wait! Why are you here? Not that I don’t completely adore you but weren’t you with someone?” you question, his cheeks heat up with a pinkish glow before he shrugs. You gasp “Did you get rejected?”  

“No!” He snaps, his scowl returning.  

“Yongbokie~ say it isn’t so... you got rejected?” You tease.  

His arms quickly wrap around your waist and presses your back against the bar. He brushes his lips against your cheek, you feel your face heat up when he places a soft peck on your cheek. “Do you think I’m the type to get rejected?” He nudges. His face makes its way toward your neck, his lips brushing over it gently. You feel yourself growing wetter by the minute. “Uh-I-I-Aww, Helmet cat got your tongue?” Felix cuts you off as he pulls back. Your eyes form a glare before you shove him back “You’re annoying” you groan. He smiles widely, his eyes forming crescents as he scrunches his nose. “You finally reacted though” He states proudly. Rolling your eyes “Yeah sure” you argue. “You did though...” He whines.  

“Sure, Lix whatever you say” You deny behind red flushed cheeks.  

“Deny it all you want but you want me, Helmet. I know I’m probably your ideal type but you have to control yourself Y/Nie. I’m supposed to be your best friend” He teases. You shake your head at his antics. “You can't kiss me, okay?” he continues. You fake a gag, before shoving him back, and allow your eyes to drift around the room. Though it was just more of Felix’s harmless playful flirting, it still felt wrong to have him so close to you. You knew it was stupid but your heart still longed for Hyunjin. It’s not that you didn’t enjoy Felix touching you, you just wished it was someone else. You hate that you longed for his touch, his lips, his everything. You knew what you had heard from Ye-na but you didn’t know if it was even true. The night you had broken up he said it wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t lie to try to get you to stay. You wish you weren’t so.... fragile. The Ye-na situation had derailed you off track and you’re having a damn hard time getting back on it again. Felix was a great guy, he seemed like the type to be loyal if he was to be in a relationship. Sure, he was flirty while single but you also know that before returning to Seoul; he was in a long-term relationship that didn’t end well. So, who could blame him for enjoying the single life. “Can we find Karina?” You plead.  

He nods taking a hold of your hand before leading you through the crowd. “I saw her by the booths before I got you” Felix states. You grasp his hand tightly as you make your way through the horde of sweaty bodies, making sure to avoid any spilling drinks. You couldn’t understand how this could be fun to anyone. You could barely hear anything, there was a cluster fuck of people, and the guys are creeps. You would appreciate the experience but this will not be repeated. You’re pulled out of your thoughts as you collide with Felix’s back. You notice him bent over, laughter spilling from his mouth as he slaps his knee. “Oh, this is too funny!” He cackles as he pulls out his phone and takes repeated pictures. Your eyes follow his line of vision only to be met with Karina placed on someone’s lap, their lips interlocked, her hand pulling his hair. You gasp in shock as they pull away. Your hand smacks over your mouth, “Jisung!” you exclaim as you dash toward the pair “Oh my god! Felix is going to have so much fun with this I’m telling you”  

“Fun!? Dude, its already in the group chat. Yeji and Lia are dying” Felix exclaims between fits of laughter. Karina rolls her eyes “What? The guys are absolutely lame here and at least with Captain Thinks with his dick over here the corny flirting comes with a good reputation in bed.” She shrugs as she lifts herself off Jisung’s lap before leaning over and pressing her lips against Jisung’s once more “I’m going to the bathroom” she waves as she makes her way through the crowd. You take a seat next to Jisung. “So... when did, uh, this happen?” you question. “Honestly, I think like 15 minutes ago. She texted me said she was bored. I asked where she was. She told me. I came and uh next thing you know—Ehm- yeah" Jisung stammered behind blushed cheeks. “Oh, so you came.... alone?” Jisung nods. “that’s brave of you, it's pretty boring now I don’t know how you’d have a good time here” you whine. Jisung chuckles “Cause you’re supposed to be buzzed, doll”  

“I’ve had like 2 drinks” you argue.  

“What? Some fruity mixed drink that’s probably watered down?”  

“So, then what should I drink?”  

A mischievous smile forms on Jisung’s lips “Shots!”

______________________________________________________________

Note to self: Never go clubbing with Jisung again.  

You were drunk.

So, fucking drunk.  

He was right though; you were definitely having fun in the beginning. He lived up to his party reputation and you had the most fun you’ve had in a while. After the first shot, you felt warm as the liquid burned your throat. The second you took in quick succession as per Jisung’s advice. Your fingers felt tingly and the burning sensation wasn’t so bad. The third shot came after about 10 minutes, when the room stopped rocking. You had to give it up to Jisung, he definitely tried to make you pace yourself. But shots four, five, and six came and went while Karina decided she wanted to continue more of what they had started previously and Felix had found a friend for the night.  

You regret not taking his advice as the room began spinning. You stagger your way out the door after sending a quick text to Karina and Felix explaining you were going home and getting an uber. If was cold outside you didn’t know, your body felt so hot. Your hair was way too long as it tickled your lower back. But in your drunken state of mind, you stare at your home screen you have yet to change and you find yourself dialing Hyunjin’s number. “Hell---Hello?!” His voice answers timidly. “Hyunnie~” you slur. “Babe, are you okay?” He inquires. You shake your head “No...Jisung helped me get drunk”  

“He fucking what?!” Hyunjin growls. “Well, he told me to-to go slow but I didn’t it was so much fun Hyunnie. But I miss you so it wasn’t fun” You whine. “I miss you too baby” he confesses “So fucking much” his voice cracks. “I have to go home” you slur, pressing your back against the wall. “Where are you? How are you getting home?” There was concerned laced in his tone. “I don’t know” you shrug to yourself. “You don’t know where you are? Or you don’t know how you’re getting home?” He questions worriedly. “No, I’m at octagon club. I told Karina and Felix I'd get an uber but—sigh--I want to walk but the world is spinning.”  

“You’re not walking home” He declares. “I’ll be there in 5”  

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin was going to kill Han Jisung. He was as good as dead, not only had you gotten completely fucking blasted by what Hyunjin could tell. But his dear best friend has yet to be heard from. Hyunjin raged the whole way to the club, running almost every stop sign he came across. Hyunjin wanted to strangle Jisung a fuck ton more when he saw you sat on the ground, your head in your hands as you continued to struggle remain upright. Hyunjin barely came to a stop before he was putting the car in park and rushing toward you with a call of your name. His heart stopped in his chest as your head whipped up and you greeted him with the most beautiful smile.  

“Hyunnie~!” you called as you reached out to him struggling to lift yourself off the ground. He quickly rushed to your side; taking a hold of your hand before wrapping his arms around your waist pulling you into his frame. He was taken aback when he felt your arms snake around his neck, you press your chest against his. He can’t help himself but to tighten his grip on you. He felt everything stop. Fuck everything about you was absolutely perfect. He buries his face in your neck, he sighs. “Wow! Your hairs black!” you exclaim surprise in your tone.He can only nod in response. He knows it's wrong, you were drunk and you 100% did not want to see him let alone have him touch you but, you were so fucking adorable and he missed this so fucking much that he needed to hold onto it for as long as he could. Fuck Jisung, fuck this club, and Hyunjin won't begin to think about all the guys that probably thought they had a chance with you in this dress cause holy fuck! For this moment, things were back to the way they were before. He hated that he had to end it, but you needed to get home and out of the cold. You were probably so drunk you didn’t notice how freezing it was.  

His fingers brushed your hair away from your face, placing his hands over your cheeks. “It's so cold out baby let me take you home, hmm?” He urged. You nod in response. Your fingers played with his as he walked you to his car. You whined as he removed his hand from yours “I have to open the door, princess” he whispers as he softly strokes your cheek before helping you into the passenger seat and buckling you up; while turning to close the door, he feels your hand wrap around his forearm. “Where are you going?” you query, worry filling your eyes. A sad smile forms on his lips, he caresses your cheek eyes finding yours. “I have to drive, silly girl” he explains softly. Your eyes stay connected for what feels like forever. He wants to remember your face right now forever. Your eyes telling of your love for him, the light pink blush gracing your cheeks. You were absolutely beautiful.

Hyunjin contemplates just closing the door and just going into the driver's seat as he feels the familiar feeling of your soft, velvet lips. He holds back a moan at the unexpected kiss, but responds almost instantly. Hyunjin missed this too, the feeling of your lips on his. Your mouths move in sync. Your tongue pokes out from your lips making its way into Hyunjin’s mouth and moan as your tongues connect. A sound that sends a shock straight down and suddenly his pants felt exceptionally tight. He was lost in the feeling, so much so that he almost forgot, you wouldn’t want this if you were sober; but as your fingers gripped his hair and he heard the familiar whines he knew this is where the line needed to be drawn. The last thing Hyunjin wanted to do was take advantage of your drunken state. And as much as he truly did miss how amazing the sex was, he knew that you’d never talk to him again if he continued; so, reluctantly, He pulls away and makes his way over to drivers' side and gets in.

The ride to your dorm was awkward to say the least. He had so much he wanted to say, apologies sit on the tip of his tongue. At this moment, Felix’s words rang through his head. Hyunjin felt as if he should just explain. You were sitting right there; sure, you were drunk and your reaction probably wouldn’t be the best right now but at least he’d get the chance to explain. He could feel your eyes burning into him and he wasn’t sure if you could tell but Hyunjin’s heart was racing. He practically jumped when he felt your hand snake onto his thigh making its way toward his member. Reacting quickly his hand wraps around your wrist “Whoa! What are you doing?” He exclaims. Did Hyunjin want you to practically beg for him again? Of course. But you were drunk and he was probably the last person you’d want to sleep with when sober. He loved you too much to let you do something you’d probably regret. “I miss you...” You pout. His resolve almost melts when he sees the puppy dog look in your eyes.  

“I miss you too baby but you don’t want to do this right now....” He whispers. He thanks God as he pulls into your dorm parking lot. “You’re home” he states softly as he takes your hand into his. You stare at your dorm before your eyes drift back to him. He notices the tears in your eyes, your hands are shaky. “What’s wrong?” He inquires. “I don’t want to go...I’m so fucking hurt-you hurt me so bad.” You cried “But I don’t want to go” Your eyes connected; He felt his heart break all over again “You don’t understand how fucking sorry I am. I love you I swear I love you so fucking much, I never meant to hurt you baby. I’m so fucking sorry” His voice cracks as he holds your hand tightly against his chest. His eyes never leave yours. “But we can’t have this conversation right now, you’re drunk you need sleep. I promise tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything.” He promises. Your eyes flash back to your dorm, before you nod.  

“Tomorrow...”  

______________________________________________________________

You regret getting so drunk last night.

You had a massive migraine and you felt so fucking nauseous. But at least you could still remember most of your night, besides the walk to your dorm. Were you embarrassed? No not really.  

Did you regret it?......you weren’t sure. You had definitely appreciated Hyunjin not accepting your advances. BUT were you feeling up to talking to him today? No, and not cause you were still angry at this point you were more confused; but because you were 100% hungover. So, you instead of immediately texting Hyunjin to set up a time to talk, you took some Tylenol and rushed to the campus café. You quickly regretted running as you collide with the petite figure of someone coming out of the door. “I’m so sorry I should have been paying attention” You apologize reaching toward the girl, freezing in shock as you come face to face with Ye-na She went to snap a response before she mouths an ‘oh’ and taking your hand. With a shaky breath your grasp on her tightens “C-can we talk?” you ask shyly. She nods with a hesitance following you back into the café.  

The vibe was awkward and off as you both sipped your coffee silently, eyes looking everywhere around the room but at each other. “So, what’d you want to talk about?” “So did you know I was in the room that night?” You both question at the same time. You giggle at the timing. “That was impeccable timing” Ye-na chuckles before taking a sip of her coffee before continuing “But to answer your question, honestly, no. I didn’t.” she sighs. You nod in response before taking another sip of your coffee “Woul-would you have still said what you said if you did?”  

She ponders on your question for a moment before she lets out a heavy sigh “If you want the truth?” you nod in response “well then, no I wouldn’t have.” She answers matter of factly. You look at her confused “Why not?”  

“Well, the night you over heard me a few minutes before Hyunjin had kinda lost his shit on me. Again. Told me to leave him alone and to stop calling and texting him because what happened was a mistake and he loved you so he needed me to stop” She confesses. “But you said---oh I know what you heard, but he told me that months ago. Like right around the summer, I’m not gonna lie and say what I did was right too Y/N. And even though, me and Hyunjin had what we had. I never wanted to be the one to tell you that. I’m pretty surprised you haven’t lost your shit on me yet honestly”

You shrug. “You weren’t my boyfriend.”  

“So?” She counters before crossing her arms over her chest “Not to be a bitch or anything but I 100% knew about you; and just didn’t care honestly. See, here’s your problem Y/N cause obviously no one will give it to you straight. I’m not the only girl Hyunjin’s been with while he was with you. His reputation follows him and every single one of us knew what it was. Just like you probably did before you two made things official. I didn’t care he had a girlfriend, I didn’t care about your feelings, and I didn’t care if you gave a shit or not. I wanted a good time and he gave that to me for a bit and eventually I started caring. I hate myself for what I did but still I never wanted you to find out, especially when we were put in the same class. Like let's be real here no one would ever want to admit to the girlfriend of the guy you're hanging out with that you got rejected.”  

Your mouth hangs open at her honesty. You weren’t sure what to say, and while you appreciated her brazenness, you felt your blood boiling. “So is side chick your full-time gig or are you just on call?” you snap. She chuckles, almost to herself before her face falls flat. She crosses her right leg over her left before letting her arm fall into her lap holding up her chin “See, I knew you had some fire in you. Look, you asked I answered what you do with that is beyond me.” Your hangover long forgotten, and a fire in your eyes. “So what? You wanted to just be on the side until you got bored?” she shakes her head “Oh no, I’ll be real here, I saw the way Hyunjin looked at you. I knew at some point he’d realize what a dumbass he was being and it’d eventually stop; but, I was enjoying it while it lasted. He called things off months ago” To say you were now beyond confused would be an understatement, and while her reputation is definitely accurate about her bitchiness, she seemed honest. You heard something you weren’t supposed to, something that set the spark that ignited the flame behind your rage that night.  

“So, is that all?...or can I go?”

______________________________________________________________

Yeji and Lia were quite the pair.  

Apart from you and Karina, they were absolutely hilarious when they got together, they always seemed to make you laugh; and with Karina completely in the wind and flaking on your group's traditional hangover chill day-the first one in your honor by the way-you were left partner less until Yeji came over with Felix in tow. You and Lia couldn’t contain your laughter as Yeji dragged Felix into your living room with Karina’s matching bright lilac hairband across his head. “Oh, no fair why am I purple? Lia’s green?” Felix whines as he stomps his foot in place. “What’s wrong with purple?” Lia questions “and this is aquamarine” she declares with a point to her headband. “Purples for girls switch with me” He cries. “No!” Lia proclaims.

“Pleeeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeee”

“Hmmmmmm......No”

“Pwease”

“How bout no”  

“Pl--Holy Fuck! Felix if you say please again my head will explode. Switch with me” You growl, pulling your headband off and holding it out toward him. “Ooo Pink!” He exclaims excitedly. Yeji giggles as she finishes setting up her portable projector. “Felix?” she calls. His eyes are bright as he smiles in her direction “Yeah?” “You’re adorable” She smiles as she makes her way over to your couch ruffling his hair as she takes a seat next to him. He forms his hands in the shape of a heart before separating them and placing each half of the heart on his cheeks.  “Ahhh! Felix-oppa! I love you!  you’re the best idol in the world” You tease. Lia grips your hands as she joins in on your teasing. “Felix-oppa! Give us a song oppa!” you laugh as you and Lia jump in circles. “Ha.Ha.Ha. You’re both top tier comedians” Felix groans. “Lix, what do you mean? You literally rejected that scout from JYP” You ask whispering the JYP as you release yourself from Lia and make your way over to the couch. “I mean I don’t think being an idol would be for me”  

“Oh, come on Lix it was a joke” Lia whines “Yeah besides you could definitely be an idol. You’re an amazing dancer, you got the image for it” You mention. “And personality” Yeji adds. “Yeah! You have an awesome personality for an idol too, your fans would probably call you something adorable like sunshine or something cause of your personality” Felix blushes, bringing his hands to his face hiding. “Stop~!” He whines in embarrassment. You roll your eyes “Fine....so what are we doing first Yeji.” a mischievous smile forms on her lips “Well......” she giggles before she pulls out 4 mics from her bag.  

“OH, COME ON!” Felix shouts

______________________________________________________________

“Baby, Nal teojil geotcheoreom anajwo, Geuman saenggakae mwoga geuri eoryeowo Geojinmalcheoreom kiss-haejwo naega neoege, Majimak sarangin geotcheoreom Majimakcheoreom (Yeah) ma-ma-majimakcheoreom (Yeah) Majimak bamin geotcheoreom love Majimakcheoreom (Yeah) ma-ma-majimakcheoreom (Yeah) Naeil ttawin eomneun geotcheoreom love” You guys sang. You laughed internally as you and Felix also did the choreography and ended up facing each other in Lisa’s part of the choreography. You smile in victory as the words WINNER flash across yours and Felix’s screen.  

“What’s the next song?” Felix giggles to Yeji. She shrugs “I don’t know it's your turn to choose Lixie” she states as she hands him her phone so he can go through the catalog. You take a seat on the couch with a heavy breath as Lia takes a seat next to you. “I don’t know how that boy has so much energy after last night” you groan. Lia gives a small giggle “He’s not human that’s why” she suggests. You ponder her statement for a moment “True” you both chuckle to yourselves. “But I actually just wanted to see how you were doing you know? You still haven’t really told me how your talk with Ye-na went. Or if you are actually going to meet with Hyunjin later”  

You sigh at her words “Well, I’m okay honestly. And my talk with Ye-na went.......fine.”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I mean she lives up to her reputation of being a grade A bitch.” You explain “But at least I got what I think is the truth from her” Lia stares at you dumbfounded. “And what about Hyunjin?” You shrug “What about him? Honestly, I was going to talk to him tonight which honestly, I’m not particularly ready to see him, especially after what I did last night....”  

“Girl what did you do last night?!”  

“Nothing crazy, just tried to get Hyunjin to sleep with me” You groan in embarrassment. “YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?” Lia exclaims. Yeji’s and Felix’s eyes flash to you “Slept with who?” Yeji questions. You shake your head rapidly “No one. Nothing” you give Lia a glare, she sinks in her seat with her hand placed over her mouth. “Y/N who’d you sleep with?” Yeji urged. “No one honestly I just TRIED to sleep with someone and thank god they weren’t an asshole and knew I was drunk” You explain your glare not leaving Lia’s face. She mouthed a sorry before Twice’s Dance the Night Away played through your speakers. Felix jumped as he quickly paused the song “Sorry.” You, Lia, and Yeji laughed at the sudden interruption.  

“Felix you’re so cute”  

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin couldn’t help but be on edge all day.  

You hadn’t texted or called and its almost 5, he felt himself slowly falling into insanity. His leg shaking rapidly as he checked his phone for what felt like the hundredth time today. Why hadn’t you texted? Hyunjin felt his heart racing as Changbin and Seungmin, Hyunjin’s dorm mate, shouted as they played their game. Hyunjin was nervous at how things would go, and while he knew the chances of you forgiving him were slim, he hoped you would give him another chance. He knew how badly he continuously fucked up before but he’d be different. He hopes you can remember how things had changed before you had left him, that you can see he does love you and he’d never do anything else to ruin it.  

He watched as the clock went up a minute. Then another, then another before his screen timed out. “Why don’t you just call her?” Changbin suggested pulling Hyunjin out of his thoughts. “Huh?” He called in confusion. Changbin and Seungmin look at each other before laughing. “Call her” The older male suggests. “I have remember? She doesn’t answer” He responds sarcasm dripping off his words. “Wasn’t that before she agreed to talk to you today though?” Seungmin asks. Hyunjin nods slowly “I don’t want to harass her though, what if she changed her mind?”  

“Then she’s a bitch for not letting you know” Seungmin snaps.

“Hey! Don’t talk about her like you know her” He warns.  

Seungmin rolls his eyes, before focusing back on the game. “I’m just saying she got your hopes up for nothing if she changed her mind, the least she could do is at least let you know that you two won't be talking today and she needs more time”  

“You act like she owes him anything honestly” Changbin mumbles, but Hyunjin heard it. He knew his friend was mad at how things played out, Changbin was big on loyalty and honesty. Even though, Hyunjin was one of his best friends it didn’t mean Changbin would hide his anger at Hyunjin’s treatment of you during the beginning of your relationship. The night you ended things whilst Jisung comforted him, Changbin tried to contain his laughter. His ‘I told you so’s’ became a daily routine for Hyunjin. Hyunjin couldn’t blame him though, Changbin had warned him to stop messing with you and take things seriously. Hyunjin could only wish he could go back and listen to him. If he did, he wouldn’t be in the situation he’s in now. You’d still be his. He’d still be able to call you if he just wanted to hear your voice. He wishes he could go back and kick his past self’s ass. Scream at him how fucking terrible it is without you. Changbin was right, you didn’t owe him anything, so Hyunjin sat quiet staring at your contact hoping something---anything would come through from it.  

Hyunjin’s gaze was pulled away by Changbin snatching his phone. Panic filled his chest “Wait! What are you doing?” he called as he went to grab his phone back. Seungmin jumps from his place on the couch standing between him and Changbin. “I’m calling Y/N” Changbin confesses as he presses the phone to his ear. “NO! No” He cries “Please dude I’m not kidding----Hello? Y/N? Yeah, its Changbin” Hyunjin’s eyes widen as he can hear your voice through the phone “Hang up! I’m not kidding Hang up” He pleaded tears practically blinding him as he struggled against Seungmin hold. “Oh yeah Hyunjin is right here, yeah I mean it’s a little weird I guess but I don’t have your number so...” Changbin winked at him, Hyunjin felt as if he would combust. “Oh, I mean he’s kinda tied up right now but I could definitely get him to meet you there.” Hyunjin froze in his place as Changbin continued “Yeah I think he’ll be there before that but yeah that works” “What’s she saying?” He whispers, Changbin holds his finger up. “Okay, but you should definitely text me Y/Nie~ who else is going to help me with.......you know what” The male whined.  

“Help you with what?” Hyunjin whispered.

Changbin shushed him “Well it was nice talking to you I’ll see you later bye Y/Nie~” Hyunjin stared at Changbin dumbfounded as he hung up the phone and handed it to him. “You guys got chips?” Changbin questioned casually. Hyunjin’s lips parted as he stood there with his phone in his hand, staring at Changbin. “Well....” He urged. Changbin looked at him confused.  

“Well, what?”  

“What did she say?”  

“She wants to talk to you” Changbin shrugged.  

Hyunjin’s eyes widen “And you were going to what? Just not tell me?!” He quickly started looking for his keys and wallet. Grabbing a bucket hat and hoodie in the process. The muscular male chuckled to himself as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I was, when it was a few minutes before she said cause, I knew If I said anything you’d race out the door like you’re trying to do now besides you don’t even know where she wants you to meet her” Hyunjin stops in his tracks, “Where?” Changbin shrugs, Hyunjin pouts and stomps his foot “Tell meeeeee” he whines. And while Hyunjin knows he sounds pathetic; he’s not going to waste any more time. If there was a way to fix things then he was going to do it. But with his friend knowing him way too well and you saying a specific time Hyunjin knew he would have to wait. With that in mind, he stomped his way over to the couch. A pout on his lips, he crossed his arms over his chest and stared daggers at Changbin. Hyunjin wasn’t sure how much time went by as Changbin played on his phone ignoring Hyunjin’s death glare.  

“Her apartment, 5 minutes” He states with a smug smirk on his lips and a wink.  

“5 MINUTES!?” Hyunjin cries as he jumps from the couch and rushes toward the door.

“YOU ACT LIKE YOU WONT BE THERE IN TWO!!” He hears Changbin call as he sprints out the door.

______________________________________________________________

You paced back and forth as the clock got closer and closer to 6.  

Your heart was performing a full drum solo in your chest, your palms were sweaty and you felt like you were underwater. While you found it odd that Changbin had called you from Hyunjin’s phone you were grateful for him being the one to actually let Hyunjin know when to come talk. You had put it off for most of the day and after your conversation with Ye-na you were still utterly confused on what the entire truth was. You were happy Lia was willing to hang out at Yeji’s place while you and Hyunjin talked. You were also exceptionally grateful for Karina for having dropped off a bottle of vodka and encouraged you to do a shot; cause while you did feel anxious, at least you still felt brave enough to have this conversation. You weren’t sure what Hyunjin would say and you didn’t know what your relationship would be after tonight. There were two things you were sure about 1. Your relationship with Hyunjin was toxic and things would have to change drastically if you were to take him back. And 2. you still loved him despite the way he had treated you; you still loved him. You poured another shot, along with drinking you’ve picked up another bad habit since your break up with Hyunjin, smoking. And no, not something disgusting like cigarettes but you do find yourself lighting up a blunt and taking a couple of drags here and there.  

You enjoyed the calming feeling that came from marijuana. With your anxiety through the roof and having had a panic attack in front of him, Yeonjun from your dance class hooked you up with his guy. For the first day or two, you only smoked with Yeonjun in his dorm. But when Felix began questioning the nature of your friendship with Choi Yeonjun, knowing his bad boy reputation, you began to slowly distance yourself from Yeonjun. Felix found out shortly after about your little habit but promised not to say anything to anyone else. You found yourself surprised when your new smoking buddy became Felix. Only smoking when you felt huge bouts of anxiety coming on and you needed to calm down. Your pulled away from your thoughts as a series of rapid knocks came to your door. You jumped in a panic quickly putting the blunt out on your tongue before stashing it away under a magazine on the coffee table. “Shit” You groaned as you tried to fan the smoke away. You rush to the door almost tripping over your shoes before you pull the door open with a sigh. You stare down your ex as your chest heaves, you notice him leaning against the door frame struggling to catch his breath “You, okay? You look like you ran a marathon” Hyunjin struggled to get out in-between gasps.  

“You’re one to talk” You counter gesturing to him. You notice suspicion in his eyes “What’s that smell?” your heart sinks in your chest. “What? Oh, yeah Felix got me into those incense things recently” you lie “trust me babe I’ve been to plenty of parties to know what weed smells like so try that again” Hyunjin calls your bluff. You swallow nothing, you find yourself growing irritated at the smug smirk on his lips. When you were together you would have immediately cracked and probably told him everything, but now, oh now you wanted to whip that smirk off his face “Are you going to keep interrogating me? Or are we going to talk about what we actually need to talk about?” You snap. “And don’t act like you have a right to ask me anything personal right now” His whole confident demeanor is washed away by your words; you notice the panic in his eyes as he stands straight; the smirk no longer on his lips instead there sat a small pout. “Fine...can I come in or is that question too personal too?”  You roll your eyes before stepping to the side and allowing him entry.  

“Soo, where is it then huh?” He asks casually.  

“Where’s what?”  

He chuckles at your question “Nothing” his eyes drift around the room. You and Lia hadn’t changed much in the time since he’s last been here, beside the smell of marijuana, it was pretty much the same. He notices the one magazine out of place and glances in your direction. “What? What are you looking for?” You question, irritation leaks into your tone. “Your weed” He shrugs. You two stand across the room for what felt like hours, just staring at each other. Your eyes in a battle with one another, eventually you realize he’s not going to let this go and you wanted answers so with a heavy heart you roll your eyes before making your way over to the coffee table and toss the magazine to the side. “There. Happy?” You groan frustrated before falling back onto your couch. “Ecstatic” He replies sarcastically. “Like come on Y/N you really thought I'd be okay with you doing that?”  

“You don’t do weed, Hyunjin”  

“That’s not my fucking point Y/N and you know it! Why are you smoking in the first place?”  

You couldn’t help but laugh “If you gave any of a shit during our relationship, you’d know I have an anxiety disorder.” You lean forward grabbing the vodka bottle and pour yourself a shot. “I did give a shit.” “What? When I broke up with you? I mean come on” You toss the shot back swallowing it whole “You didn’t give a shit not for a long time” Hyunjin stood in place dumbfounded. This is not how this conversation was supposed to go, but right now at least it was something, and even though he was raging at the idea of you being high right now he had to give it you; you were right, he didn’t know you had an anxiety disorder. Why didn’t he know that? “Look I know I fucked up, but I care about you and I know what can happen if you’re high and just not paying attention”  

“I smoke when I’m home or with.... someone I’m not stupid.”  

“Someone? Who Felix?”  

“No....just...someone”  

“Well, someone is going to get their ass kicked so Y/N needs to let me know who”  

“Why?”  

Hyunjin’s jaw was clenched, you’ve never been this difficult and it was hard for him not to let his jealousy show. He needed to know who the fuck got you to smoke and he needed to teach them to stay in their place. “Fuck Y/N! Just tell me!” He growls, his fists clenched. “No! I don’t have to tell you shit! You're going to ruin my connect. Why don’t you go question Ye-na or any of the other sluts you cheated on me with?” Hyunjin had nothing to say to that. He stared at you with hurt in his eyes “It wasn’t like that” he mumbled “So what was it like then?” He wasn’t sure how to answer that question. While he was willing to answer any questions you had he himself wasn’t sure what it was like honestly. “I don’t know.... just not this fucking picture you have in your mind about things” He grumbled. “You don’t know what I'm thinking right now” You retort. “You’re right. I don’t know what the fuck you’re thinking right now! You've been naïve but you’ve never been fucking stupid” He argued. “So, I’m stupid now?!” You cross your arms over your chest “When you’re smoking weed and getting black out drunk? yes!”  

“I wasn’t black out dr----You called me! Just fucking stop Y/N. You’re doing stupid shit and you’re going to get yourself hurt. Bad.” He cut you off. He didn’t understand why you were being this way and whilst he was supposed to be explaining the Ye-na situation, he couldn’t help but be angry at your recklessness. “You’d know all about that right?” you snap. “YOU ACT LIKE I MEANT TO HURT YOU” He shouted. You reach for the bottle again but Hyunjin’s quicker and snatches it from your grasp. “You’ve drank enough for the past two days don’t you think?” He growls as he places the bottle down on your shelf.  You stare daggers at him in response. A smirk on your face as you reach for your blunt and put it to your lips “Fucking stop! Y/N”  

“Oh please! Look at you, you’re acting all high and mighty. Your hypocrisy is showing Hyunjin” you challenge as you light the blunt. Your eyes not leaving his. “I haven’t smoked for a while Y/N. I haven’t done anything I used to do for a while” he confesses, realizing there were more important things to talk about. He hopes you catch the double meaning behind his words. You sat quietly taking in a long drag before releasing the smoke. “Is that supposed to impress me or something? I don’t think you realize how much this whole thing fucked me up---How you fucked me up, Hyunjin!” you exclaim, quickly getting to your feet. “Fuck please just-just tell me what to do then?! I don’t know what you fucking want! I’m trying and the more I try the more you pull away! You think this shit is easy for me? It’s not! You ripped my fucking heart out too you know? Instead of just talking to me or even letting me say fucking anything you ended things and that’s only because I found you that night!” He growls crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes are filled with fire. “Oh boo-fucking-Hoo your girlfriend found out you cheated and dumped you how fucking sad” you retort “Do you need a hug?” you couldn’t contain your sarcasm. You were beyond livid. How dare he sit there and act like he was an innocent bystander.  

“Can you be fucking serious for one minute? fucking Christ.”  

“Can you be honest for one minute?”  

“What?! You wanna know if I cheated on you?!” He argues, you stare at him with fury behind your eyes “no I kno---Yeah! I fucked Ye-na…..months ago! When I didn’t give a fuck about you or this relationship!” He cuts you off, you notice the anger dissipating from him being replaced with guilt and regret. You’re frozen in place and Hyunjin makes his way around the coffee table and places himself in front of you, his hands firmly wrapped around your arms.  “But I haven’t cheated on you in months, I’ve been with no one else in almost a year! I know its fucked up, I know I’m wrong for what I did but I changed.” His voice cracks as your eyes drift around the room, you could feel your anger leaving you as well, whilst he confesses. “What changed then?” you question, your voice is almost inaudible. “You. Well, I wanted to change for you. I’ll tell you everything you want to know but please just at least don’t drink anymore today, okay? I’m not kidding it was really scary to find you like that last night. I know what I did ruined my right to care but I do, I care so fucking much. And I need you to be okay, not amazing, not happy even, but at least okay” His hands find themselves holding your face to make you look at him. Your fingers wrap around his wrist.  

“Hyun, I’m fine....”  

He shakes his head in response “Now who’s the one that won't be honest? You’re not fine and I know I’m part of the reason for that. I should have been better to you, I was confused about how I felt and I-I---sigh----I fucked up, so fucking bad. But once I realized how I felt I tried so hard to fix things and change and just leave that shit behind.” you stare at him in shock. You find your legs growing wobbly and your chest is tightening. You can feel your breathing getting heavier and heavier the more Hyunjin talks. You remove Hyunjin’s grasp on you and take a seat on the couch, you knew your anxiety would be off the charts. “Ca-can I ask you something then?” You ask, your voice is small. “Anything” Hyunjin sits on the table, you give him a small glare “Is me answering question more important than your stupid rule?” he argues before you can scold him for sitting on your table. “Did I mean anything to you? Like at all? I’m not going to lie I was so fucking confused for such a long time and I’m really tired of it.” Hyunjin’s hand ran over his face before finding its way to the back of his neck. “You mean everything to me....” His words are practically whispers. “So why---I can’t answer that. I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to you so I won't answer that question” He cut you off.  

“You said you’d answer everything”  

“I said you could ask me anything, please, just know things are different now than they were, okay?”  

“Hyunjin I need to know....”  

“I can tell you how I feel now, I don’t feel the same way anymore so why does it matter?”

There they were again. The same question he always asked; does it matter? And for once you have a genuine answer “Yes it matters.” He sighs in response, grabbing the blunt that went out long ago from your hand and the lighter. You stare at him as he lights it and takes a long hit off it. You notice the way his hands are shaky and tears well up in his eyes. “Fine, honestly, when this all started, I didn’t really care. ---obviously---just listen. Y/N. I didn’t care and not because of you but because you know how I felt about relationships.” He confesses. “So, why’d even ask me out in the first place? In case you forgot Hyunjin, the whole reason we were even in a relationship was because you initiated it.” You question, puzzled. “I-I know I did, I got jealous honestly...---of who? I was only hooking up with you at the time” You cut him off “Minho and a little Han but mostly Minho” He states honestly. “Huh?” now you were really confused, why Minho? He was your dance partner last year and was the best dancer of 3rd year. But you two were no more than acquaintances at most and while you did spend a lot of time with him last year it was always about dance.  

“There was a rumor going around that Minho was going to confess and ask you out....”  

“And so, you asked first? So, he couldn’t?”  

Hyunjin nods in response, “I know it's stupid, and we were hooking up so I should’ve trusted that you liked me but I was insanely fucking jealous and it just happened. But I don’t regret it, I fell in love with you and I want to show you things would be different. I ended things with Ye-na almost as soon as they happened and—fuck—I know how badly I fucked up. I just want to fix things, I want to be with you, I feel so lost without you. I love you and I’ll make you trust me again.” You felt your heart clench at the softness in his tone. He seemed scared, he kept fidgeting as he allowed the blunt to go out and placed it on your table beside him. His breathe was shaky as he explained. “Would you have ever told me?” You ask “a-about anything?” he shakes his head “If I knew for a fact that you wouldn’t have broken up with me then yes but otherwise, I never wanted you to find out.”  

“Why?”

“Huh?”  

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”  

“Because look what happened when you found out! Fuck I lost you and that was the whole reason I stopped everything with everyone but you because I didn’t want to lose you but Ye-na told you whatever she told you that night and I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t answering my messages and I was fucking panicking because I just wanted to get you out of there because she was fucking pissed. But she saw you first---I still don’t understand how everything happened---all I know is that losing you has been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me right now and I just-I want to be with you. I can be better; I’ll do whatever you want. I can make you happy.” He cried, he held onto your hands. Tears stream down his face, you stare at him sadly “It wasn’t just the cheating, Hyunjin. You can’t say you didn’t act like I wasn’t a burden. I know you said things would change but how can I be sure of that? For a long time, things were…. bad and I don’t want to be hurt again” you state hesitantly. “I won’t—I’ll be better I can help you trust me. I can love you the right way. I’ve never done this before but I’ll figure it out for you. Anything. Please just-just take me back, you don’t have to completely forgive me but please tell me I didn’t ruin things forever. Fuck I need to know you still love me, please tell me you still love me” He pleaded, he was on his knees his eyes never leaving yours. Rivers of tears flow down his angelic face.  

Your heart racing, you remove your hand from his, caressing his cheek wiping tears from their descent. “of course, I still love you. But I’m so fucking hurt and I don’t know if I could trust you.” He shakes his head “N-no do-don’t say that please. You can trust me. I’ll prove to you that you can please just give me a chance. I won’t hurt you again” he begs reaching into his pocket and unlocking his phone before shoving it in your hands. “You can go through it. Everything. And you can do that until you trust me again. I will do everything I can to be with you again.” You stare at the device in your hands, you notice his wallpaper. A selfie you had sent him a few months ago from your dance practice with Felix for the showcase. You felt butterflies fluttering in your stomach as you locked the device and handed it back to him “I-I don’t want to do that. I’m not that kind of person, Hyun and as much as I want to try things again, I can’t do that until I can trust you again.” Hyunjin buried his face in your neck, his arms wrapping around your waist. You felt his tears on your shoulder as he held you. “I can’t-I can’t lose you give me a chance just one chance please” He begged.

“Hyun...”  

He pulls back slightly, your eyes connect. Your faces centimeters apart. “You’re everything to me....” He whispers pressing his forehead against yours. “I won’t fuck this up again. I need you” Your bottom lip finds its way between your teeth. You hate how just him being close could affect you so badly. “I-I-I do-don’t know.... Hyun, I love you b-but I’m scared honestly. How can you know that yo-you won’t cheat on me again or something? I can’t deal with being hurt like that again” You profess. “I’ll give you my passwords, you can have the code to my phone, anything---everything I don’t care give me a chance please, you saw that I was changing babe you know I can make you happy. I did once, I can do it again. Better. I love you I want to give you all of me please” He begged. You weren’t sure what to say. You wanted to be with him, fuck you only wanted to be with him. Your heart ached for him every day since you had broken up, but you felt like it could also be a big mistake. You stared at him for a moment, everything about him was objectively the same. He still had the same flawless skin, the same seductive look in his eye; even when he wasn’t trying to have it, the same plush kissable pouty lips, but something was different and you weren’t entirely sure what, and whilst his new black hair had been quite the surprise last night. You knew that was definitely not what was different. But you definitely wanted to find out.  

You felt your heart race as you tilt your chin up connecting your lips. You felt butterflies fluttering in your gut as you feel that familiar spark. Hyunjin sat in shock for a second before he responded quickly. His heart soared as he felt your lips mold into his, his hand finding its way to your waist as he deepened the kiss parting your lips with his tongue. You open your mouth accepting his tongues exploration. He loved that you always allowed him dominance in your relationship, never once battling to be in charge. He missed your taste so much his mouth practically watered as your tongues dance around in your mouth. Your fingers find their way into his midnight locks.  

You both find yourselves sprawled across the couch, your back pressed against the cushions as Hyunjin straddled you; your legs wrapped around his waist as you devoured each other's mouths. A small moan escapes from your throat as Hyunjin grinds his hips into yours. His lips make their way to your throat. “H-Hyun...” You moan. “Tell me you’re mine” He begs “Please, baby?” You feel your panties growing wet “A-all yours, Hyunnie” Hyunjin could practically cry at your words; He presses his lips against yours roughly, putting every ounce of emotion he could into the kiss. “I love you” He confesses as he pulls away stroking your hair behind your ear. “Fuck... you’re so fucking beautiful baby” you feel your cheeks heat up, you bury your face in his neck. “Stoooopppp” you whine. “No, I’m so fucking happy right now baby” He smiles adjusting you both so you were straddling his lap. His hands find their way to your thighs, stroking them up and down, lovingly. You giggle at his actions, “You’re something else”  

“Tell me you love me” He pouts.  

“Hyun...”

“Tell me!”  

“Hyunnie...”  

“Baby~ Tell me you love mee”  

You roll your eyes at his whining. A smile placed firmly on your lips as he stared at you with a pout. “Fuck you’re so cute I love you too” you break. A wide smile forms on his lips his arms wrap around your torso pulling you into his chest. “I won’t fuck up this time. I promise baby” “I hope not, I’m really scared still, Hyun” You confess. “I know baby, but I know what it's like to be without you now. I’m not doing it again; you’re stuck with me. All I see is you now baby” He admits shyly. you kiss him in response, grinding your hips into his. You almost jump as you feel his hard member against your clothed core. His hands find their way to your hips holding you in place “Fuck, you can’t do that” He warns. You look at him with a pout. “Why not?”  

“Because, baby, you just can’t right now” He states.  

“But...” you kiss his neck seductively, nibbling and sucking on his sweet spot; you felt his grip on you grow tighter. “It’s been so long, and I want you so bad right now” You hear him sigh “Fuck...” He whispers under his breath. “Baby, stop, please I want to do things the right way” He can feel his resolve breaking the more you continue. If there was one thing Hyunjin knew for sure, it was that the last thing he truly wanted in this world right now was for you to stop. “Don’t you want me?” you question. “More than anything else in the world right now” He missed you, in every way. Not only has it been a really fucking long time since he last was even able to think about sex with anyone but his hand, but in that time, he found himself always feeling exceptionally heartbroken every time he thought about sex with anyone but you. If anyone wanted it right now, Hyunjin definitely did, but he wanted to do things right this time. His past self would hate him for what he was trying to do without question.  

“Please....daddy, I can be so good for you.” you pleaded. “F-fuck...I-I know you can baby, you always are.” He soothes, rubbing your thigh with his thumb “I need to do things the right way with you, this time” His voice is almost inaudible. You grind yourself against him once more, “whyyyyy~” you whine. You guide his hand up your thigh to your hips and under your shirt placing them on your rubs just under your breasts. Hyunjin’s eyes are stuck on your now partially exposed torso, his mouth waters at the feeling the pressure from your hips are causing on his fully hard member. You find yourself growing more and more aroused as time went on. His bottom lip finds its way between his teeth as you continue grinding against him. “babyyyy stop~” he coos, his cheeks heat up and while he’s used to you being submissive and always eager for sex, he’s never had you literally begging for it before. You just took him back and he wasn’t going to immediately just jump back into things like before. But God did he want to fuck you right now.  

You leaned forward once more kissing his neck, you heard the groans under his breath. You thrived in knowing how badly you were affecting him. “Fuck….” He growled as he wraps his arms around your waist tightly holding you still. He flips the two of you over, pressing his lips to yours before pulling himself off of you. You pout at his actions “what are you doing?” you question, puzzled. “Taking you somewhere to get food, because someone can’t control herself” He teases with a wink. You roll your eyes at him “watch how fast I reject you next time” you mumble as you lift yourself from your couch and make your way toward your room. “I heard that. Don’t play that game with me cause I will definitely win baby. But where are you going?” He states with a raised eyebrow. “To change I can’t go out in this” you gesture to your clothes. You rush into your room closing the door behind you. You make your way into your closet and grab a tight long sleeve and jeans. You notice Hyunjin laying across your bed, his arm placed behind his head a comfortable smile placed on his lips. You toss your clothes at him “you know I closed the door for a reason, right?” you muse. He nods “you know I don’t give a fuck right, I missed you.” He pouts “I had to go two months without even seeing you, you’re not leaving my side for a while.” He declares.  

“I have to sleep and stuff Hyun”  

he shrugs “so? You act like I won’t just not leave.” He tosses your clothes at you before crossing his arms over his chest. You chuckle in response, changing into your clothes. “You act like I’d have a problem with that baby” Hyunjin’s cheeks grow red at your words. “O-okay” he stammers shyly. You’ve always called him Hyun, or Hyunnie or on the rare occasion Jinnie but hearing you call him baby made Hyunjin’s heart race. He was absolutely nervous as you stood there, running the brush through your hair. “Y-you ready?” he questions, his eyes roaming over your figure. He groans internally why did he want to do things the right way? Fuck you always looked so good; he felt his heart flutter at your smile as you nod. He lifts himself from your bed as you make your way to the door. Hyunjin wraps his arms around your waist from behind pulling you into him. You squeak as he kisses your cheek. “I love you, baby” he smiles as he grabs hold of your hand spinning you to face him before re-placing his hand on your waist pulling you into him tightly, his free hand caresses your cheek. “I love you too” you press your lips against his. Your heart flutters, your fingers feel tingly.  

The love you had for him always seemed to leave you…. breathless.

__________________________________________________________

Taglist: @xxoverthinkerxx​ @elmi-chan​ @midsoulz​ @hyunjintoon​ 

[future-boi]

Get To Know Me Tag Game!

Thanks to @mythical-bookworm and @alex-a-fans for tagging me.

tbh this is just a song rec list LMAO [easier to open in a browser fyi]

1) Spell your name in songs

Y'all get two for the price of one cuz I couldn't decide if I wanted to go with all non-English songs or not.

The non-English songs are labeled with 🧋 in case you wanna avoid 🤪

Warning: Most of the songs in english have swear words so... just in case u got kids or ur strict parents around LMAO.

⚡️ F: Fighter Not a Lover

aro/ace people gonna love that shit ^ + no swear words

alt: fml u fucked me up

⚡️ U: URARA🧋

It translates to 'Oo-la-la', which I now realize is the magazine Biff was carrying around in the second movie... this was unintentional and the meaning of the song is very wholesome, trust me

alt: Upside Down

⚡️ T: this was a demo for this one song...

That one's like 50% f-bombs ^ i love it

alt: Toxic but its NOT Brittany, B*tch 💅

The most aggressive entry on this list

⚡️ U: Up Up and Away

The only f-bomb is in the second verse

alt: Unmei no Roulette Mawashite 🧋

'unmei' means 'destiny' so you know I had to include it

⚡️ R: Raining in Manila (half 🧋)

Couple of dudes just vibin' out in the studio, what's not to love?

alt: RAHHHH

^im convinced this is what suburbanites see in their nightmares

⚡️ E: Electricity (half 🧋)

alt: Extensyon

Both make up the most WHOLESOME entry in this

⚡️ -(hyphen): Hatid Sundo 🧋

Baby. Baby boi. Baby. vibes ^

alt: Hell to Sell

EVIL. vibes ^

🚫🧢 I have a problem with tonal whiplash. Did I cheat and use the hyphen to include the most wholesome and cute song right before pulling out the lowkey most scandalous song in the list? YES.

Just realized it doesn't work as well if you can't understand it, but trust me. I mean just listening to its vibes is enough 😩

⚡️ B: Balik Sa Umpisa 🧋

Any song that samples/remixes 'Stand By Me' is a W in my book.

alt: Bodybag

I'm just self-reporting at this point.

Ok the rest are very wholesome songs I swear

⚡️ O: Oretachi Rookies 🧋

alt: Oh, Imagine That

ok this one's tied for most wholesome in the list

⚡️ I: I/Me/Myself

gnc/nb people gonna love this shit ^

alt: I Really Like You

that was a struggle, R is the top pick to check out imo. E, O and I are the wholesome ones with no swear words if u care.

2) Why did you choose your URL?

Its based. ..off the song in the musical. I got back into the fandom because of the musical so I owe it that much. 'boi' sounds more gender-neutral than 'boy'

3) What is your middle name?

That's a secret!

4) If you could be any mythical creature, what would you be?

Shapeshifter.

5) Favorite color?

Purple. Lavender/Periwinkle specifically.

6) Song you love right now?

What? 🧋 The amount of crackhead energy, but genuine emotion... AND AESTHETIC. it was literally made for me LMAO Ken is so aggro but hes singing about not littering. like why is he so intimidating-- but i support the eco-friendly king. but fr the song is about waving ur flag with pride??? PRIDE???? and they look androgynous asf??? whats not to love

7) Top four fandoms? (Current Fandoms?)

Back to the Future

That's it

jk uhhh, Invincible

Thats it, dont wanna get into past fandoms rn

8) Tag nine people

mf u think i know 9 people??

im playin, lemme tag some cool people... not that u have to do this, i just wanted to bother u 🤪 but feel free to do it, i wanna hear other music 🥺🥺🥺

⚡️ @maxintime LOVE UR ART STYLE. BEEN TOO SHY TO BOTHER U THO 😭

⚡️ @jowritesfanfiction my inspo, my density, ILY. Im never shy bout bothering u in my posts HAVE U GOTTEN THE RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME YET 🤪🤪😭😭😭 ive tagged this mf in every other post istg

⚡️ @moth-makay ur great frfr 😭😭 all the hugs. r u gonna post more art??? cuz u shouuuld 🥺

⚡️ @bttf-dork ur name and pfp give comfy vibes??? its very endearing. dunno how to describe it, but i like seeing u in my notifs 🥰 bUT UR ART DOHHH. immaculate. underrated.

⚡️ @pepsifox88 i hope u continue to cook ✨ everyone go and GIVE THEM SUPPORT, I AM NO LONGER ASKING

and to the rest of u, thank u for liking a bunch of my work, whenever i see long lists of likes like that, or if i see ur name often 'nuff, i always notice 😇, i never know how to say thank you!!

@leftoverspagehhti

@karorurodriguez

@epikprinc

@mapleflavedpepperoni

@xmaster3000

@jayisnotdrawing

@jackofthecards

@ectojester

@cat0marble

Didn't include everyone, but just know that i noticed you!!! 💝

watch me get reported for harassment by all these people 😂

[the-type-a]

Funny Dating show AU💕

(Not necessarily duncney but oh 🐳)

Ok so like, Duncan and Courtney are both fan favorites & they’re most known for their relationship on the show, but after WT, the cheating scandal and Courtney becoming single, Chris feels bad(not) and offers her, her own spinoff show!

She takes up the offer when she gets confirmation that she’d get paid for it lol

She doesn’t know what her show will actually be about until like a week before filming, when she’s told it’ll be a DATING show 👀 Chris got the idea when he realized just how many guys were attracted to her

She assumed it would be a fun and flirty experience but what she didn’t realize, that in true TD fashion, it’ll be so TRASHY 😭😂

Think of something like Daisy of Love(if you haven’t seen it, PLS watch it’s so cringe and funny) they get some of the lamest dudes around, criminals, musicians, alt guys, etc. which is basically everything she hates to love lol

Imagine Duncan’s reaction to the show 💀

Scott can be on the show, he was definitely on ROTI but once he heard there was a spin off show including Courtney, he applied 🤭 I HC that he had a crush on Courtney long before they met lol

This show will be before All stars and that makes it so much more funny and awkward for Courtney 😅

I was watching old VH1 shows and I just thought this would be a funny idea lmao

This is hilarious 😭

I would have definitely watched this ngl. Imagine Chris does a whole segment where he visits Duncan and gets footage of him making slick comments about the show. Duncney Stans would go absolutely feral. And then seeing them come back on All Stars? Whew.

I also HC Scott liking Courtney beforehand. I just know he’s seen the show and thought she was amazing. Maybe he didn’t get such a great opportunity on this little show but he finally made a move in All Stars. Plus it’d be hilarious for Courtney to see some random guy from her own show 💀

[bettsfic]

2023 WIP cleanout

a couple years ago i did a major WIP cleanout and it was very satisfying, and i've been bummed out lately so i'm doing it again to cheer myself up.

i have about 200k worth of unposted/unfinished fic, and i'd like to make a decent dent in that. when i listed out my WIPs i was surprised to find that most of them i'd written past the 50% mark and for whatever reason, the fic went an unanticipated direction. instead of fixing it, i moved on. the problem is that usually the unanticipated direction is something cool and that i want to pursue, but would make the fic longer and more complicated than i want it to be, and more work than i want to put into it. once i get enough distance from a fic, it's a lot easier to see how to get it back on track.

there are many things i set down and never think about again, but if it sticks in my head for longer than a couple months, then i know i need to come back to it eventually.

so this is my accountability thread! and i'm going to lay out the steps i took to triage these fics and get them posted, in case it helps anyone struggling with the same problem.

here are the things on my WIP cleanout list:

(Organic Chemistry isn't on this list because i'm actively working on it, albeit slowly)

Wind of the New World

Annie/Finnick, The Hunger Games (ASE epilogue)

started August 2020

this one is what inspired the cleanout, and as of yesterday it is DONE and POSTED. for the longest time it sat at about 7k when i knew it would be 10k, and i couldn't make myself write the last 3k because somehow it turned into a threesome fic with Gale and it took me a loooong time to let go of that idea. also, it required a lot of canon knowledge, which faded the longer i kept it on the backburner.

to finish it, i:

killed a few darlings (Finnick's crush on Gale)

down drafted the scenes i hadn't yet written

reread ASE while taking notes

rewatched Mockingjay 2 while taking notes

transcribed several scenes of Mockingjay 2

made a punch list of things i wanted to fix/rearrange/expand on

up drafted, dental drafted, and posted

completing it took about 15 hours across 3 days.

Stray

Lumine/Razor, Genshin Impact

started April 2021

this is an alternate beginning to genshin where the traveler finds Razor instead of Paimon. it stalled out at 5k because i wanted it to be rated M and i also wanted the characters to get all the way to Liyue, but both of those things were far more work than i wanted to put into it. so now it'll be rated G and end when they reach Mondstadt. i don't anticipate it will be more than 7k.

Before the Suns Rise

Anakin/Padme/Obi-Wan, Star Wars

started June 2022

this one is nearly 45k and about 95% done. i set it down because 1) i got to the threesome part and writing threesomes is hard, 2) i hadn't watched the Clone Wars or Rebels yet and so i was self-conscious about my knowledge of canon, and 3) i got distracted by Lemon.

another thing that a lot of these WIPs have in common is that they're very closely tied to canon and therefore have Plot and even though i can do Plot, i find it exhausting and a little tedious.

this is a post-Vader, alt-OWK timeline fic. in the 20+ star wars fics i've written, only 5 of them are in any way related to canon, and they're all one-shots. so this one is going to be hard.

i anticipate it'll only take 5k to finish, for a total of 50k and 14 chapters.

Patronage

Seungho/Nakyum, Painter of the Night

started October 2021

this is my Patreon AU that's over 10k already. in it, Seungho is married to Jihwa (and cheating on him with Nakyum) and i wanted to write the whole thing through to their divorce (and Seungho Getting A Real Job), but that is just. a lot. so i'm going to write only to Seungho finally giving in to his feelings for Nakyum, with the knowledge that after season 4 is finished, i may want to continue it as a series and write the latter half as i'd intended.

i'll probably only add 1-2k, for a total of 12k.

In Water Falling

Ahsoka/Rex, Star Wars

started November 2022

this was the first rexsoka fic i started working on when i finished Clone Wars. i got about 10k in, scrapped it, wrote another 15k, scrapped it, and then started focusing on Organic Chemistry. also, i just got very frustrated with it. to fix this one, i think i need to lower my expectations of it, rearrange some plot points, and write the final 2-3 scenes.

maybe 3-4k more? hopefully it'll cap out under 20k.

There & Here

Chishiya/OFC, Alice in Borderland

started February 2023

in my defense, i set this one down, like. a week ago. there's nothing i'm stalled out on; i just have to finish it.

currently 25k, hopefully only 5k more, capping out under 30k. it's 4 chapters.

things i intend to finish later:

Good Bones - this is my Emergency Fic that i'm saving for when i'm too blocked to write anything else

Bomb Time - this is a BOSAS fix-it. i definitely want to finish it, but i'm going to wait until the film comes out in November, so i don't have to reread the book to remember what's going on

[lochrannn]

Sending this ask to a few tua accounts!

Diegolila is probably my favorite ship in the show, but I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What would you change about their relationship in season 4? Obviously they're not in the honeymoon phase anymore, and they have three kids, so I feel like naturally they would go through a rough patch. But what made me sad in season 4 was that none of it got fixed. The five/lila relationship aside, it was weird to see Lila be just completely disconnected from Diego and not come to any realizations about her relationship with him, especially because she IS a deep character and she really does love him. Plus, I don't completely agree with her being a housewife either. It hurts to see them fight and stuff because I feel like they're 2 characters who are really in sync with each other and who make each other better people, but it hurt a lot more when their arcs ended in them basically not really loving each other anymore.

TLDR how would you rewrite their relationship in season 4? Would Lila still be a housewife/Diego a delivery driver? Who would try to fix the relationship first? Why would the relationship go through the rough patch in the first place? Is it because they're both just tired of each other/suburban life/kids? Or is it something else? Would they try to fix it in the first place?

Sorry this is a really long ask, but I love all your tua takes and I feel like they ripped off Diego and Lila in the worst way this season. Would love to know your thoughts.

Sorry, this took me a while to get to but it's an interesting ask!

There is a small issue I'm having though and that's that I'm sort of answering some of that questoin in the fic I'm writing, and, while that might sound self-indulgent, I don't wanna spoil it XD

That being said, I think I can definitely think about some of the specifics you're asking about.

In terms of how, in general, could one do something with the fact that after 6 years and 3 kids with no fun up relationship in which they could have properly got to know each other ahead of time and that probably causes some issues down the road, I had actually started planning out a fic about a year ago and then never wrote it and now won't as I'm using some stuff in the fic I am writing.

My initial plan also included Lila starting to sneak and withdrawing but instead of cheating it turns out she's been drawn in by the commissoin, some alt version of the Handler who has her convinced that the Diego she's living with is not her Diego... listen, I was going to work out the time travel/time line mechanics later, basically I was trying to get to a Mr & Mrs Smith (the movie) style blow out fight that ends with them smooching.

What I'm saying is, with how volitile their relationship has always been, making them not be all functional is a logical step in the story telling, I take no issue with that. But previous precedent had always been that they care enough to try and find a messy way back to being together, that whatever else, that's more important to them, and just taking that completely away is what bugs me most.

Anyway, to your specific questions: there's a lot of people headcanoning Diego as a stay at home dad, and I guess, yeah, possible, but I think he's a bit to feral for that and on that note, so i Lila, so I would have them both have meh jobs that they hate their bosses at and part of what has caused strain on the relationship is that they are both endlessly busy and find no eral time for each other. (Which also leads to a way to resolve this issue in decent communication and them making an effort to be a couple again).

I have in the past written some fics where I immagined them as a family living the suburban life and Lila finding it...trying... but in my head, she would treat it like a mission, do both the best job she can at it, while basically trying as hard as possible to infiltrate every element of this unfamiliar world and then for some shits and giggles, sow some benign chaos.

Diego being Dad with a mustache and too much care for his van and telling people to take their shoes off in his home tracks. I have no notes. Other than the weird bits where they made him say the words claiming he resents this life but then make him good at it and seem pretty happy, I think they nailed Dad Diego. Shame they made him miserable on puprose, but I digress.

I really enjoyed the first four episodes because I was convinced Diego and Lila would both learn something and want to be together again, I don't think that is trite, I think that is how adult relationships go some times. Lila.... well....

Thanks for the ask!

I haven't been posting much about my thoughts on the season because they are quite jumbled and I'm not pushed to go back and watch it again (which is a real fucking shame, but here we are) to try and sort some details out.

What are your thoughts?

[kidlit-queen-competition]

I would love to hear the mods top ten train media we should all be consuming if that's okay.

Well, I am no authority on what train media you "should" consume- anyone who is is probably several decades my senior and a lot more experienced with model railroading- but I can tell you some of my favorites! I'll do five fictional and five nonfictional.

Fictional:

Sunless Skies. this one is kind of cheating, but the main way the player interacts with the spooky, steampunk-y, alt-Victorian skyscape of the Reach is by driving their locomotive. it's also one of my favorite games in general, and I think a lot of people who follow this blog would adore it.

Raising Steam by Terry Pratchett. Its main train was knocked out of this pole in round one, but I'm about three quarters of the way through this book, and it's one of the few I've read that really manages to capture the feeling of steam trains. It is, of course, fantastic in many other ways, but it's a standout piece of train media all the same.

Bullet train (2022). I love dumb action movies and I love shinkansens and I love murderous women in pink. 10/10, shapes and colors the likes of which I've never seen.

the Titfield Thunderbolt (1953). unfortunately this film is from 1953 and also British, but is a great little comedy all the same, and the special effects are very impressive for the era. I especially recommend this one to enjoyers of a certain 70+-year-old massive franchise about a little blue tank engine, because there are similarities in the humor I think they would enjoy.

Tales of Terror from the Tunnel's Mouth by Chris Priestley. this is another horror thing, specifically a children's book. Its framing device is a train trip, and well it doesn't go into like, indulgent detail about the mechanics of it, good use is made of it all the same, and the stories really stuck with me-I remember some clearly and still find them scary, and it's been more than 10 years since I read the book.

non-fictional:

basically anything from Network Nathan, my train vlogger fave du jour. I really like his presentation style and charisma, and I've learned a lot from his content that I probably couldn't have picked up otherwise.

The Train Book: The Definitive Visual History from DK. this is basically a picture book for adults, going from the early age of steam to roughly the 2010s. I like it because it's broad-scope and accessible, both of which are hard to come by in rail literature.

Steaming Eccentrics: Life on the Footplate by Stan Wilson. this has the previously mentioned problem of being British and old, but is still a good account of some delightful (and probably slightly exaggerated) railway shenanigans all the same. I much prefer memoirs to history books, so if you're similar, I'd recommend this one.

Steam Railways Explained - Steam, Oil & Locomotion: Steam, Oil and Locomotion by Stan Yorke. this is a great little explainer of railways, not just locomotives. It's easy-to-read and understand, and doesn't suffer the mind-numbingly dry tone a lot of railway nonfiction does.

tie between the YouTube channels Mid Hants Railway 'The Watercress Line' and Hyce. both are educational channels about steam locomotives/railway operation, and occupy very similar spaces. The former is British, the latter is American, so the engines they work with are very different, so I feel comfortable letting them share spot.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 2/18, "Back In The Saddle" Part 3, The Chilton Boss Babe Meeting

Part 1 Part 2 Part 2½ (Dean's Phone Stalking) I just got home from a stressful vacation where I lost my phone and so I'm immediately jumping back into these, because wishing for Dean Forrester and Lorelai Gilmore to get barbequed makes me feel balanced again. I had to dedicate an entirely seperate post to the Dean's Phone Harrassment scene in this episode so click the link for Part 2½ above if you haven't already checked out that highly disturbing ish. Michel's Mom is visiting the Inn. Who cares.

Hey now, it's not nice to say things like that about Lorelai, I mean, she's standing right there. Do it behind her back like I do. Oh, they were just talking to each other. A little family banter. Carry on.

Looks like at any minute he's gonna tell the gang they can "be their own boss, babe."

Seeing 2002, the year I graduated high school, in large, stark naked writing like that shakes me to my core. "Style Aid Corporation, RX 2002: A First Aid Kit For High School Students" is so goofy, you can't help but love it. Richard informs Rory she is the group leader, chairman of the board, head of the table but Paris takes charge of the meeting anyway while Rory gets to sit pretty and play chair warmer. She will contribute two completely useless sentences to the entire meeting, see below.

This looks like the trajectory for a rocket launch, not for the development of a lunchbox full of bandaids. What is there to plan? Step 1) You throw the bandaids in the lunchbox. Step 2) ? Step 3) Profit?

*WHAT ABOUT THE COMPETITION! What about it? Other scribblings I can make out: "First choice for second place", "Revise your alt positions list".

Oh, wow it just looks so compact and portable and something that will totally fit into the oh so spacious locker of the typical American high school, and not at all made of metal and something that could be used as a makeshift weapon by bored high school students. I have never seen Paris look so self satisfied about wallowing in mediocrity.

They're looking at the suitcase like she just put Thanksgiving turkey on the table.

The contents of the waterproof, fireproof MakeShift Weapon 2002 (which comes in 12 style options besides Blood Of Paris Geller's Enemies Red) are as follows. Take it away, Paris! ...... She...doesn't actually say what's in them. But, you can trick them out when you order a Deluxe Model. Pimp my Metal Lunchbox, Paris!

HOW MANY CDS CAN IT HOLD RICHARD?!

WOW!!!!!

A MIRROR!!!

Are "Knickknacks" and "Valuables" what the kids of 2002 were calling drugs? I don't remember, maybe I was on drugs.

This scene is HILARIOUS my god.

Thank you for your helpful contribution, Chair-Warmer of the Board/CEO (Chairman Effing Off). A quick glimpse of Amazon will reveal that (at least in 2023 dollars) a metal lunchbox with a handle sells for somewhere between 15-20 dollars. The price for a fully stocked first aid kit (with or without lunchbox housing) varies but they are mostly under $30.

Dear Amazon Seller: Does your Paw Patrol lunchbox come with a 10 cd holder and two secret compartments for hiding drugs? What? It only holds 9 cds? I bid good day to you, sir.

PLEASE! I want this MLM meeting to go on FOREVER. Sadly, there are 16 1/2 minutes left in the episode and I fear the Lunchbox Gang scene will peter out and most of the episode is going to be eaten up by Dean somehow. There's literally nothing else going on. The Marketing Team has ambitious goals to advertise their red lunchbox of death in mainstream magazines.

Please please please mention the names of trendy magazines that I used to read in high school, the ones that were overflowing with toxic garbage damaging to the young female psyche. You know, just like Gilmore Girls.

Okay, I cheated a little and pretended I didn't know she would say this. I totally remembered the magazines. Nostalgic references stick in my brain like used gum. It was all for dramatic effect. I will not apologize. I read ALL of those magazines growing up. (Anyone else remember Teen People? It was one of my favorites. Slightly less boys/makeup/fashion focused and it's reign was too short). The boys will get targeted in "Spin" and "Rolling Stone" magazines because Girls don't like music.

Chip is 35 years old and got lost on his way the polo match and now he's going to be a Boss Babe too. Slay!

Me time traveling backwards to the Chilton MLM meeting: I am a time traveler from the distant year 2023! Let me tell you kids about what happens to malls...

WEBSITES!!!! So, like, seeing this is still 2002, you're gonna slap a bunch of flashing banner ads all over whatever websites were popular in 2002 (I can't remember anymore except that I loved those aggravating websites where you copied & pasted little outfits onto tiny dolls?). The flashing banner ads that would make you absolutely blind with rage, blissfully unaware of how good you had it before the terrifying future internet would arrive? That's how you're going to push your lunch boxes? Good luck. Emily has the audacity to enter the meeting and ask the guests in her home if they'd like anything to eat and Richard isn't happy about it. There is no room for pleasantries and hospitality and dare I say ICE CREAM at the cut throat Lunchbox Meeting. (peeps ahead to what's ahead after this) Oh GOD its THIS.

It's just that thing where Dean stalks Rory some more and pulls another highly disturbing stunt that would have Lorelai putting Jess Mariano's head on a pike in the same situation but instead I'm sure she's just going to kiss his forehead and give him milk and cookies and then make sweet love to him.

I was so naive to think the Lunchbox Gang could last forever. Au revoir, my friends. Au revoir. Till part 4.

[rotisseries]

uh here's some stranger things music taste headcanons, which is just varying levels of projection, vibes, and the visions I'm receiving from god. also I'm not great with genres so if I say something and you're like "that band is not fucking indie" mind your business. also this is unofficially modern au just so they have access to the full range of music

mike: synthpop king!!! so this is going off of his (semi) canon music taste from his playlist, so that would be bronski beat (obviously) depeche mode, mgmt, etc. i also feel like he'd like indie rock/alt and indie pop stuff, stuff like beach bunny, cavetown (heavy on the cavetown), arctic monkeys (he'd LOVE 505), the smiths, muse, also a little bit of bands like the front bottoms. also when I say something like indie pop what I mean here is that even though conan gray and taylor swift have similar music styles, you could convince me that he'd listen to conan gray, whereas there's no way in hell he's a swiftie. sorry. also I think he'd like lorde? this is based on vibes. he'd prefer the earlier stuff over solar power though. also, once again just based on vibes, I feel like he'd like mcr, it transed his gender a little bit. I also think he'd like a few classic rock bands like journey and queen, and this would be where his and will's music taste meshes, bc otherwise it's not usually that similar. I also think he'd really like narrative songs/albums! something tells me he really likes achilles come down

will: so he's technically got a canonical music taste and it's similar to jonathan, so that's a lot of rock. I also think there'd be a little bit of emo, just bc he likes the cure and what is the cure if not a precursor to modern emo, so he's dabbled in like, fall out boy and early paramore, anyway back to the rock, so that's the clash and the cure (obviously) along with journey, queen, david bowie, pink floyd, arcade fire, nothing more, the foo fighters, muse, etc. also, like mike, I think he'd like narrative songs and albums! which means I really think he'd love coheed and cambria, which is a band that's made comic books of a space opera based on their music. also I think he's a music snob. he's not as bad as jonathan, but he is still a little judgy. HOWEVER. I do think he'd have a guilty pleasure for a few pop songs lamenting being in love with your best friend, just bc the idea of will occasionally blasting you belong with me and it being a secret he takes to his grave is so funny to me

max: she's a pop girly through and through, a pop connoisseur, she listens to pop and all it's subgenres and shoot-offs. she's absolutely a swiftie, she stayed up for the midnights release and she cried to anti hero, which is something the cia couldn't waterboard out of her, she also thinks of lucas when she listens to willow. anyway, she loves the timeless pop girls like britney and madonna. she also likes avant garde and experimental pop, like kate bush (obviously), and she's a rina sawayama stan. she might also like some hyper pop, and she's maybe even listened to some pop punk. she also loves indie pop, and she also really likes the Sad Girl™ genre (BAD GENRE DESCRIPTOR BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN). artists I'm thinking (other than the above) are olivia rodrigo, phoebe bridgers, mitski, bishop briggs, japanese breakfast, dua lipa, billie eilish, lorde, doja cat, florence + the machine, marina, etc. also I just realized I've only listed female artists which wasn't intentional she probably listens to male pop artists too but I bet she is someone who mostly listens to female artists. also I think she's one of those people who endlessly shits on country until before he cheats by carrie underwood is on, or jolene by dolly parton. also I know this is the third time in this post I've said this but she likes kate bush! so she's probably someone who likes narrative albums/songs! I bet she loves the preacher's daughter album by ethel cain (I'm so sorry to assign you ethel cain girlie)

el: I think she's not genre picky in the slightest. for her, she likes music for the experience of listening to it, it's not so much what genre it is and more if she has fun listening to it, who she's listening to it with, or if she has a sentimental connection to it. but she was raised in a lab for years!! music is a new thing for her!! she wants to hear all of it!! however, the music she listens to the most is definitely rock and pop, by virtue of the fact the people she listens to music with most often are max, or will and jonathan. also, although she does like rock, she definitely plays up how much she likes pop to irritate her music snob brothers. she also really likes the punk/riot grrrl genres though! artists she probably likes are taylor swift, madonna, rina sawayama (she loves LUCID. I know this in my heart to be true), dolly parton, david bowie, queen, meatloaf, the cure, the runaways, bikini kill, no doubt, hole, paramore, etc. ALSO I think her and will spend time together playing that game where you play music and take turns seeing how quickly they can guess the artist and/or song and/or album

lucas: similar to el, he's not genre picky, unlike her though, it's the lyrics of a song that decides whether he likes it. I feel like he likes a lot of those yearning songs of someone going on about how much they love their lover, so he likes ricky montgomery (SHE'S A SHE'S A LADY, AND I'M JUST A BOY), mitski (but he's like. casual about it. he's not crying to class of 2013 he just likes lines like "I know I've kissed you before, but I didn't do it right can I try again try again try again. he also likes her let's get married cover) hozier, you get the idea. i also HAVE TO assign him "kiss goodnight" by idkhow but they found me enjoyer. that is just. THEE love song. also likes sunflower by post malone. sorry king I'm projecting. anyway, he also probably just likes a lot of the music max likes, she's probably gotten him to be a casual taylor swift enjoyer if we're being completely honest. he's also definitely someone who pays attention to what someone says their favorite song is and then he listens to it and pays attention to the lyrics to figure out why they connect with it

dustin: canonically wore a weird al t shirt. this guy definitely likes parody music, nerd music, and also apparently polka. I just know he loves the star wars bad lip reading songs. so true king. bushes of love is top tier, there IS a chicken duck woman thing waiting for us. he also likes never ending story, so he probably likes soundtracks and songs from sci fi and fantasy movies/tv shows. debating on whether or not this extends to disney musical enjoyer.

jonathan: has a canonical music taste, which is rock, I feel like he's a bit more Loner™ about it than will is though. (I'm a CREEP, I'm a WEIRDO, what the hell am I doing hereeee), artists are the clash, david bowie, queen, talking heads, radiohead, tame impala, etc. he's definitely the most hardcore music snob around though. absolutely has a superiority complex about it. love that for him

nancy: so I think she likes pop, and like, mainstream rock/classic rock music. so she listens to like, blondie and cyndi lauper, florence + the machine, some taylor swift, pat benatar, and then she also listens to some more popular songs by fall out boy, paramore, meatloaf, bon jovi, billy joel, etc. sorry girl this is looking like my mom's music taste with the occasional modern artist thrown in. oh also I think she'd like early marina (an electra heart stan to her death) and, like mike, lorde! however unlike mike she actually does really like solar power. also I think her and mike would hate to find out that they have that artist in common, but luckily they don't share any of their interests with each other so they don't know that

robin: riot grrrl listener! she bonds with el over this and also being a lesbian! however I think she also likes folk indie/folk punk, and had an emo phase. (not necessarily in aesthetic, just music taste), so artists would be bikini kill, hole, the runaways, the crane wives, the amazing devil, hozier, first aid kit, mcr, fall out boy, paramore, all time low, etc. also I feel like she'd like narrative songs/albums. sorry for pulling that one out again. she's an ethel cain listener. also vibes alone I think she'd like florence + the machine

steve: so I feel like it's damn near canon that steve listens to tears for fears, abba, and wham!, and I can't really argue with that, he likes pop music. however, I think that's mostly from a lack of exposure to other stuff, not that he'd ever not love pop or that showing him rock music would make him suddenly super alt, but I feel like if you played something other than the top 40 around him he'd be willing to listen to it and maybe even find something he likes, so he's ok with the kids playing their own music in his car

eddie: has a canonical music taste obviously! but a thing I've noticed with metal fans is that they're usually metal fans for the instrumentals. they're not usually in it for lyrics or vocals, although that can be a bonus, they're in it for aesthetics and a sick guitar riff, so while he's obviously mostly a metal loyalist, he has appreciation for songs with really interesting instrumentals. I think he'd bond with max over some of the instrumentals in her experimental pop songs, he's absolutely willing to admit that rina sawayama did metallica justice with her enter sandman cover

[hearthouses]

Happy Wincest Wednesday! What would Dean put on a mixtape for Sam?

So... I have a playlist for that, right here, if anyone wants to peruse and listen. I made it a while back and I might make adjustments to it in the future because I made it back when I was getting back into the fandom and I'm not sure if I 100% stand by all the choices. But I do stand by the fact Dean likes Fleewood Mac and probably listens to Rumours whenever he and Sam have a break up.

The general vibe and mindset I was trying to capture was Dean making a mixtape during the Stanford years when Sam left, despite they both having acknowledged their feelings for each other, so a bunch of it is very longing and painful. It was hard to make because I had to avoid my normal way of making a fanmix and examining all the lyrics, and meticulously choosing based on what kind of story I wanted to tell, but I don't think Dean would do that, he would choose based on the feelings it invokes, so a lot of the playlist is based on that.

It's also longer than a legitimate mixtape/fanmix and I feel like it's cheating to just link it, so I'm going to pick five essential songs, as follows, in no particular order:

Crazy Love by Van Morrison

Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springteen

Love Hurts by Nazareth

Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac

Thank You by Led Zeppelin

BONUS: I do have a companion playlist which is Sam making a mixtape for Dean in his teens when he's pining and angsty, which was harder because I had to figure out what music Sam would listen to, which ended up being largely 90s alt female singer-songwriter, who knew.

[lonelyroommp3]

summmer song suggestions:

1.Obnoxiously overplayed hits that are extremely nostalgic to me:

-Despacito: I listen to this song and i am 17 again, drunk on a school trip to malta. i just learned what a long island ice tea is. my english teacher is with us at the club. a girl got blackout drunk and told said english teacher who cheated on the exam, after walking in on her on the toilet

-Closer (halsey/chainsmokers): i listen to this song and i am 16, an exchange student in america going to homecoming. It's october but it's 32 degrees in st louis. The humidity is unbearable and the sunsets are beautiful.

2. songs that feel like summer to me, but maybe more in a chill road trip along the coastline way, way rather than a club way

-honestly most of the solar power album but specifically oceanic feeling and the path: my sister went to two shows of the solar power tour within a year on opposite ends of the world, catching both northern and southern hemisphere summer. both shows were amazing and oceanic feeling specifically represents those experiences and my bond with my sister. the path just makes me feel like i'm on a beach with the sun burning down

-stolen dance (milky chance)

-i aint worried (one republic): i only like this song when it's above 25 degrees outside

-left hand free (alt-j)

3. the kind of song that i feel like actually fits your playlist:

-loca (shakira)

-rush (troye sivan)

-pray to god (calvin harris, haim)

-monaco (bad bunny): a bit overplayed but as an f1 girlie i had to put it

-einmal um die welt (CRO): potentially the most nostalgic german song

-Gimme! Gimme Gimme! (ABBA)

-Froot (marina)

Sorry for the long ass list haha. i hope you find some inspiration! if i had to pick a single song off this list i would probably say loca

the 1 & 3 categories in particular are EXACTLY what i'm going for... thank you both for the songs and for the despacito backstory which actually made me scream laugh irl

[cyberpunk-20xx]

Reading about people calling Johnny abusive (not just that one post, I've come across a lot of that in forums and Discord servers too) and I'm like 🧍🏻 where?

The only person who we have solid hard proof he actually manipulated is Henry (ie he slept with him to keep him interested in the band, and even that isn't specified enough to give a solid judgement- for all we know about Henry the guy could have tagged along willingly, dude was not exactly healthy to begin with).

And like yes Johnny's manipulative, but tbh... We mostly get told he is? I'm still miffed about that, because he's not the only one from 2023 who's manipulative, but since he's the only one who's called so by the authors, he seems to be the only one we hold accountable on that. That bothers me.

But people keep saying he abused Rogue and Alt??? And I'm sorry, like, where??? Yes he was an asshole, yes he cheated on Rogue, but he didn't have power over these two women?? Hell Rogue used him just as much as he used her in the end. She sold him off to Blackhand's plot for her own gain and she sold out for good afterward, I'm really tired of people sugarcoating Rogue and Alt just because they're women and conventionally attractive, they're not your helpless damsels in distress, those women were made of grit and blood and tears just like the rest of the OG Cyberpunk Red cast.

And Alteria motherfucking Cunningham was NOT a victim lmao, if anything out of the two of them she had the upperhand lmao, didn't you catch how she was his dealer (even if that's a one-time thing, which we can't know if it is) ? Or how she insults him every sentence? Like I love that woman but she was literally just him, but genderswapped, and not tech-illiterate, unlike Johnny, who death-unplugged her.

They were toxic to each other but there was no villain out of the two, same with Rogue??? And I repeat, I insist, Johnny didn't have the control over those two women that warrants being called abusive, given we have squat all in terms of actual canon proof of what he did to them?

If anything the other person he could have been abusive to would be Kerry, but even then it's a stretch/headcanons. Like, I got no problem with that, even got my own in fact, but to just come in and state he's canonically abusive?

We do see him trashtalking Kerry if we make him choose that, but even then there's still not enough of a pattern. Abuse isn't just a dude being an asshole to everyone, or being a bad person, because yeah I won't say Johnny's someone good to the people around him- it's a relationship that relies on active dependency from person A to person B, and person B holds power over what person A needs, be it emotionally, psychologically, or materially. Person B needs to have power over person A though, and not by accident or punctually.

And btw I agree that he assaults V, and that he fucking needs to back off, but that's him wanting to kill himself more than anything, really. Cus he knows damn well that if they do take him up on his "advice" he's gone too. By 2077 the man just wants to stop, there's not a single route where he's happy about the perspective of a second chance at life.

And yeah, Johnny can be called abusive of V by proxy, in his quest to get himself flatlined for good, but that's the only person we actually do see him mistreat on the regular, in a power dynamic where he has the upper hand.

But the way he acts with other people, that's not being abusive, abuse isn't a fucking buzzword to throw around to qualify someone who's a shit person, I know I'm getting worked up over semantics but like in this case I feel it's warranted. Johnny is too much of a loser to have abused people, in canon. He's a guy screaming in a mic desperate to be heard, but he never did anything to force people to stay. I know it's a bit repetitive coming from me, but I keep thinking the man was more of a victim of his own success than a mastermind of anything, much less the social kind.

[dazed--xx]

Breathless 2

Member: Hyunjin x reader  

Word count: 13.2K

IDOL CAMEOS: Karina-Aespa, Yeji-Itzy, Lia-Itzy, Jinhwan-Monsta X.

Trigger warnings: toxic relationships, ANGST,, fake texts, mentions of drinking/getting black out drunk, mentions of cheating, mentions of marijuana use, crying, arguments, mentions of anxiety. anything else i could have forgotten.

A/N: So this was my original plan with this story. I did write an alt ending because a lot of people asked for a happy ending so if you want a happy ending this is not the fic for you but the two stories are the same until the final confrontation and i will indicate where the alt ending starts, Im still willing to write drabbles for these characters and everything so thank you for enjoying. 

Part 1    Alt. Ending Link

You were grateful for Felix having come into your life. Ever since your break up with Hyunjin, two months ago, He’s been your rock through it. From taking you out anytime you felt you needed to get away, to cuddling with you and watching a movie, and some days like, today, when Hyunjin does reach out to try to talk Felix is the one to usually urge you to at least get closure. You immediately found yourself wandering aimlessly until Felix picked you up and brought you to the beach. But you being sad didn’t mean you didn’t get out of the ‘closure’ lecture.

“You know....”  

Felix trails “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually you deserve an explanation......and closure” you sigh in response, adjusting yourself against the uncomfortable pebbles beneath you. Your eyes trail over the setting sun dancing across the water, waves crashing against the rocks on the shoreline. “I can get an explanation from Ye-na before I get the slightest truth from Hyunjin” Felix flinches at the way you say Hyunjin’s name. He stands in his place almost dumbfounded. “Listen helmet, like honestly, I would 100% agree that what he did was wrong but he looked genuinely heartbroken when you ended things. You should at least hear him out if not for him then for yourself. Wouldn’t you want to know why he cheated?” you shake your head in response. “Why would I ever want to know why?” You growl. “So, you don’t feel like it's your fault, which is what I know you feel.” you force your eyes away from the water “and how could you possibly know that?” you counter. He shrugs in response running his hand through his hair before placing extending out to you “the face you made just told me, but let's get out of here please you know what kind of people hang out around these parts at night” you chuckle in response as you grab his hand “I literally met you right over there” you pointed toward the pier “So they're your kind of people Yongbokie~” you tease.  

His face is flat “Dude they're STILL looking for me”  

It was your turn to shrug “And? Why'd you piss them off” his mouth hangs open “I didn’t purposely piss them off I just.......slept with the leader's sister......” “And?” you urge him to continue “And he walked in okay!” he responds. You couldn’t contain your laughter, “Wait! He saw little yongbokie!” you struggled to regain composure as you approach Felix’s bike. “1! How was I supposed to know he would walk in she said she was going to be home alone for hours she miscalculated. And 2! Don’t name my dick especially a title that implies its little. When it very much isn’t” you roll your eyes at him. “Suuuuurrrrrreeeee” his face forms a scowl. “What? You want to see? Don’t think you’d be able to handle it” he urges, his hand wrapping around your hair forcing your head back pressing your back against his chest. You squeak in responds your face turning toward him “Don't threaten me with a good time” you tease facing him brushing your noses together before running your hand down his torso making your way toward his waistline before his hand grips at your wrist “FINE! Fine! You won this time okay” he jumps. You chuckle in response “Lixie, you act like I don’t win every time you try to play this game with me”  

“You only win because I let you. I have no problems with being a rebound honestly and if I wanted to win, Helmet, you’d have been in my bed the night after you broke up with Hyunjin” He states. “Hmm I'll keep that in mind then” you shrug as he starts his motorcycle. “You know you're quite annoying, even Karina gets somewhat flustered when I talk to her” he snaps. You giggle “Lix, you’re really attractive and honestly at first you definitely made me really blushy but I was with Hyunjin so it was really easy to kind of shrug it off you know?” you state softly. The wind kissing your cheeks. “But, if I ever felt like you know, ready to move on, you’d probably be the first person I'd sleep with” you finish matter of factly. He nods in response “Shit just let me know, I can definitely make you forget all about Hyunjin” He winks biting his bottom lip before hopping onto his bike.  

“But it's cold so you coming or not?”  

______________________________________________________________

You sighed as you walked toward your dorm’s entrance, you weren't excited for Lia’s questioning on why you had randomly left the dorm, completely disappearing while she showered. You dragged your feet as if they were imbedded in cinderblocks, formulating a plan to make a beeline for your bedroom and locking the door. You regret taking the stairs as you enter the door to your floor, your legs aching. Your eyes not leaving the ground as you continue your path to your bed. Your hands fidgeting with your keys, you let out a loud sigh. Finally lifting your eyes as you come close to your door, your heart sinking as you see your ex sitting in front of it. You consider running back toward the stairs before he could notice you, yet luck was not on your side as his eyes find you and he jumps to his feet.  

You freeze in shock, it’s the first time you’ve seen him since you broke up and he didn’t look too good---well he still looked absolutely gorgeous, but you could see the lack of sleep in his eyes. Ghost trails of tears stained on his face, his hair was disheveled and he was still wearing the same clothes from the night you had broken up. Your throat tightens, you felt your fingers tingling; you’re face heated up rapidly. You hated that, even with the pain he’s caused you, he could still make your heart race. You felt your heart ache at the sight of him in pain. Still, there’s a light in his eyes when he looks at you.  

“Bab--Y/N....” his voice is coarse “C-can we talk.... please?”  

His eyes are pleading as he slowly makes his way toward you. You release a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, looking toward the ground once again shaking your head. “Y-you need to go...” you mumble. Your eyes notice his shoes now in view, you can feel the heat radiating off him due to his closeness. “Please....I-I just want to talk--I don’t know what else to do. You don’t answer my calls or-or texts. I don’t understand what happened--I feel like I can't breathe” he begs, you feel his hands on your arms igniting a fire in your stomach. You jump at the contact your head whipping to look at him as you force his hands off you. “No.” you state coldly. “You need to leave now, Hyunjin” you shove your way past him to your door. Forcing your key in the lock and turning before you turn back to your ex. “You lost your chance to talk to me the moment you fucked anyone else while we were together. Leave before I call security” “I didn’t--I sw-” his pleads are cut off by you slamming the door behind you.  

Hyunjin stood in shock, tears welling in his eyes. He knew it was going to be hard to get you to forgive him but how could he even begin to try to fix things if you wouldn’t even look at him. His heart clenched in his chest. This isn’t happening...... he thinks to himself. The same words that’s been playing in his head since that fateful night. He didn’t know what else to do, he was so lost. He’s never felt pain like this before and he still couldn’t understand why. He knows what you believe but he still doesn’t even understand what Ye-na told you. And when he confronted Ye-na she just laughed at the ‘irony’ as she had stated boldly. He’d spent countless hours these past two months staring at nothing but his phone screen waiting for something---anything in return from you. Losing you was the last thing he could have ever wanted. He knew he should leave; he knew you wanted him to go, but he couldn’t he needed to try. He needed you to talk to him. With a shaky breath he lifted his phone and immediately pressed the call button of your contact. Pressing his back against your door and sliding down.  

“Fuck......” he cried as he ran his hand through his hair. Of course, you’d reject his call. He wanted to scream, to beg for you to talk to him; his mind flashed to the way you flinched at his touch. He wanted to go back, back to when he first got his chance with you. He'd change everything, he’d appreciate everything he had. He needed to hold you again, if he could go back, he would have stayed every time you’d ask. He’d show you he loves you, because he did—he does. He wishes he’d realized it sooner, anything to just have you back. He hates that he confessed his love when he did. He knows what you probably think, but he needed you to know. He thought it would reassure you that he didn’t want anyone else. His phone buzzed in his hand. His heart lit up at your contact.  

He knew it wasn’t much, but it was something. You responded; he didn’t care it was to tell him to leave. He immediately went to respond, only for his message to be interrupted by a call from Jisung. He sighed to himself as he pressed the answer button. “Hell---Dude, you gotta go home” Jisung interrupted. “What are you talking about?” Hyunjin questioned with faux confusion “I am---no! You're not! you wanna know how I know you’re not?! Because I’m at your place! Dude! Come home, okay? If she wants to talk to then she will but you can't camp out in front of her dorm its honestly fucking creepy!” Jisung exclaims. Hyunjin rolls his eyes, biting his lip. “Fine, just-just stay their asshole”  

“Dope, when you get back, you’re taking a fucking shower and cleaning your room bro this is gross and honestly no girl would even look at you let alone talk to you judging by your place.” Jisung whines.  

“So fucking leave then!” He snaps.  

“See I would, but I’m the hot one now and I just need a second to soak it in so get home while you still look like shit” Jisung exclaims excitedly. And for just a moment, Hyunjin considers murdering his best friend. Scoffing, he quickly ends the call before lifting himself off the ground. He gives one last look at your door before he makes his way back to his dorm, leaving his heart in his place.

______________________________________________________________

Your dance class has been.... awkward to say the least. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, you can feel Ye-na's glare and Hyunjin’s love sick longing stare on you. Jisung still follows Karina around like a lost puppy so you have to sometimes deal with the occasional run in with him. Jisung, as Hyunjin’s best friend, is one of the few that truly knew what was going on in your past relationship. Sometimes you thought he knew even more than you about your own relationship with Hyunjin. He remained polite sometimes looking at you with sad eyes when he notices Hyunjin’s pleading gaze. You questioned as to why he sat here with you when his own best friend sat across the room, not paying attention to his dance partner and focusing on you and only you.  

You honestly felt exceptionally confused. Why was Hyunjin acting like this? A question that’s lingered in your mind for days. He had ignored you for the majority of your relationship, only showing interest a select number of times that didn’t involve sex. You were together for a little over a year and if you were to say you didn’t love him it would be a lie. You loved him, you still love him but he obviously didn’t feel the same if he had seeked out another woman. You hated yourself for not hating Ye-na, you don’t know if she knows you overheard her conversation with her friend but honestly, you owed her a huge thank you. For months you couldn’t figure out how Hyunjin had felt about you, and in a few words, you learned that he did not feel the same way. You didn��t blame her; she wasn’t the one that promised you exclusivity so how could you hold a grudge against someone that got played by the same person. He probably made false promises to her as well, so, why the heartbroken pouty expression that wouldn’t leave his features. You feel like you should at least talk to him, but every time you went to respond to him; Ye-na's words rang through your head. Why would he say you guys were nothing serious and then declare his love for you?  

You had practically the exact same conversation with everyone beside Karina, who had suggested you talk to him, after a certain violent act pertaining to a very vital reproductive organ was performed; which you had considered but immediately shot down. You didn’t want to talk to Jisung about it so you had gone to Changbin, who also told you to talk to Hyunjin and nothing more or less. You felt like pulling your hair out and you knew you’d regret it but you decided to talk to Jisung, he’d have the most knowledge about everything and you were honestly still to hurt to face Hyunjin so this was your best bet. You let out a shaky breath before you stood up and looked at Jisung. “Hey can you come with me to something from the vending machine in the music department?” It was no secret that the vending machine in the music department contained the best snacks and drinks, the foreign stuff. But you hoped that he would understand that there was more to you asking other than you craving things.

The confused look on your face told you he didn’t catch it, “Why?” He asked, Karina slapped the back of his head “Ouch! Why’d you do that?” He whined rubbing his injury “Because you’re stupid. Bring her genius! she can't get into the department without a music major” She snapped as she rolled her eyes. His cheeks heat up in embarrassment “Sorry” he apologized as he stood from his place. You felt eyes burning on you and Jisung as you made your way out of the studio. You look at Jisung quizzically as you notice him looking across the room before almost crashing into the door if you didn’t pull him out the door behind you. “Jesus, Han I think you’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached” you tease, raising your eyebrow to him. He chuckles in embarrassment as he fixes his shirt “Sorry, I was—Hyu--I got distracted” He looks away as he stammers.  

“That’s actually why I wanted to go to the music department. You’re Hyunjin’s best friend you probably know way more than me about---Y/N I told you I don’t know if what Ye-na said is true” He cuts you off. You shake your head rapidly “No that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about”  

“Oh” He states in confusion “well then.... what about Hyunjin did you want to talk to me about?”

“Well, as you probably know I still haven’t talked to him about things, BUT the night we broke up. He said something that has me really confused” You explain. “Well....what did he say? I can’t really help you unless I know, you know?” He states softly, you pause for a moment “He told me he loves me.” Jisung’s eyes widen “He finally confessed?! And He didn’t even tell me?! I’m supposed to be his best friend, his ride or die, and he doesn’t even tell me that” he exclaims in betrayal. You snap in his face while he continues his rant “Hanji, Focus. So, you do at least know how he feels then” Jisung shakes his head at you “Oh no no no little lady, Karina warned me this talk was coming. It's not my place to tell you how Hyunjin feels about you. You need to talk to him if you want answers” You scoff “Karina told you to say that?”  

“No! I’m saying it!” Jisung exclaims “Honestly Y/N, I’m his best friend he’s not doing okay in all of this and He wants to tell you how he feels and what you mean to him. And as his best friend and knowing how he feels I know he needs to be the one to tell you. You think you’re the only one hurt right now but you’re not. My best friend is going through his first ever break up, and he’s heartbroken. And I’m not making excuses for him, you had a good reason to break up with him he promised you loyalty and he didn’t keep that promise I guess but let’s be real here you know the kind of guys we are. Were you really surprised? You probably thought this would have happened anyway because let's be honest here me and Hyunjin aren’t built for relationships. I don’t know if he’s ever cheated on you like for real but I do know that I wouldn’t be surprised or disappointed if it turns out he did if I were you.”  He states honestly, as his hand grasps your shoulder stopping you. “So, what? I should forgive him if he did?” You question. Jisung shakes his head “No, you shouldn’t honestly just cause I’m that kind of guy doesn’t mean I'd say you should forgive him. If he cheated dump his ass and move on you want loyalty, you’re that kind of girl.”  

“So, I should......?” you prod.  

“Talk to Hyunjin Y/N” Jisung scoffs

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin didn’t know why he had done it, honestly, he knew why he’d done it but he doesn’t know exactly what could come of him messaging Felix; But he knew one thing for sure, he was running out of options. He was losing his mind thinking of ways to get you to talk to him, He knew Felix would at least have some insight into how you were feeling, judging by your social media, you’ve been with Felix every day since the breakup. Your friendship with Felix had always brought an uncomfortable ache in Hyunjin’s chest. He’d realized you deserved better than himself long before you had met Felix, but it wasn’t until after that Hyunjin realized you deserved someone like Felix. He could see that glint in your eye every time you talked to him and it always made Hyunjin feel like throwing up. That is until you had broken up with him and Felix had messaged him almost immediately that he had brought you home, that you were safe and needed time. Hyunjin had realized, in the short time he’s spent talking to him, that Felix truly cared for you so much so that he’d continuously update Hyunjin on your condition. Hyunjin hated himself for ruining things so much that he couldn’t be with you anymore, but at least he had a way to make sure you were okay, at least he had Felix.  

So, Hyunjin used his last hail Mary and messaged him to see if he would want to get something to eat and talk, only to be eagerly surprised when Felix had agreed. So here Hyunjin sat, in a pizza restaurant that Felix had picked out, his eyes focused on the cream-colored table. His hands holding onto each other while his arms rested on his shaky legs. What would Felix say? Hyunjin wondered. He wanted to ask your dance partner how you were, if you were doing okay, what you were thinking about when it came to your relationship, did you feel like a part of you was missing too. He couldn’t even touch the pizza he had ordered. He felt nauseous waiting for Felix. His breath was shaky when he heard the chair in front of him scoot out. His eyes slowly lift to be greeted by the warmest smile. Hyunjin could see why you went to Felix every day for comfort, from just his friendly smile alone Hyunjin felt himself calming down. “S-so, uh, y-you're probably wondering why I asked you to come here” Hyunjin stammered. “Well, technically I picked this place but sure I guess, I figured you probably wanted to talk about Y/N you know?” Felix chuckled as he reached for Hyunjin’s soda, “You don’t mind, do you?” Felix questioned, Hyunjin stared at him in shock and shook his head no.  

“No-well—yes, I want to talk about her but it's not just for that reason!” Hyunjin explained nervously “Look, I know how she feels right now and I know I’m the reason for that, but I just want---no I need to explain. I don’t know if she’d forgive me, but I fucking hate that I hurt her and I just-I need her back. She was the best thing that’s happened to me and I fucked it all up and I don’t know how to fix it and I hate myself for not knowing what to do right now. In the past I would have just said fuck it and moved on and just forgot about her. ----sigh----but I can’t. I can’t just move on; I can’t just act like she never existed. I love her and I need her to know that. I won't fuck this up again if she gave me a chance but she won't talk to me and I feel so fucking lost without her” Hyunjin felt tears well up in his eyes the longer he continued, soon his eyes never left Felix’s face “and you’ve been so nice to me, you don’t know me and you know how badly I've hurt her, and she’s your friend so you should hate me but you came here and-and you let me know that she’s safe. And I know she’s safe when she’s with you. You didn’t have to do any of this but you did and I owe you a lot honestly and I don’t know how to repay you” Felix’s features twist into a cognitive look.  

“Well, the only thing I want, and I think Y/N wants, is the truth of if you did cheat on her with Ye-na” Felix responds stoically

“she’s the only person I'll answer that question to” Hyunjin groans rubbing his temples “If she’d ever talk to me”  

“You ever try just explaining”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I mean, genius, you ever try just texting her your explanation and just hope she reads it?” Felix suggests. Hyunjin sat there with a dumbfounded look on his face “You’re a fucking idiot” Felix groans as Hyunjin shakes his head. Why had he never thought of that? “Instead of wasting your time begging her to talk to you and let you explain. You should just explain. If she responds, she responds, if she doesn’t then, well, at least you explained yourself.”  

______________________________________________________________

You don’t know what you were thinking when you decided clubbing with Karina, especially for the first time, was a terrible idea. The dress Karina put you in was WAY too form fitting and very short. The music was exceptionally loud, vibrating the room with its pulsing beat and the guys were......eh, from trashy pick-up lines, to just grinding against you while you danced. At this moment, you longed for the days where Jisung would flirt with you, at least there was.... well, finesse, if you had to choose a word for it. If you had to give anything to your ex and his friends they definitely knew how to flirt and get a girl to go home with them, and not due to just their devilishly handsome faces, they had an aura around them that spewed confidence and experience. But instead, here you stood, with a handsome guy yet you felt bored. You find yourself comparing him to Hyunjin a lot. He talks about himself a lot, Hyunjin didn’t do that at least he’d seem interested in you when you guys were together; this guy didn’t. You think his name was Ji-Han or Jin-Hwan or something. When he brushes a stray hair out of your face you notice the couple ring on his finger, you pull your head away from his touch when you feel an arm snake around your waist pulling you back toward their figure. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t touch my girlfriend” a familiar deep voice stated from behind you. The guy stood in shock, before Felix pulled you farther down the bar.  You stare at him eyes widen; you bite your lip in embarrassment when you see the scowl on his face.  

You think Felix, may be your guardian angel, you immediately wrap your arms around his neck; thanking him profusely. You felt him shake his head before wrapping his arms around your waist lifting you slightly. “You’re lucky you’re cute” He groans before he lets you go and ruffles your hair. “Why you so mad? Wait! Why are you here? Not that I don’t completely adore you but weren’t you with someone?” you question, his cheeks heat up with a pinkish glow before he shrugs. You gasp “Did you get rejected?”  

“No!” He snaps, his scowl returning.  

“Yongbokie~ say it isn’t so... you got rejected?” You tease.  

His arms quickly wrap around your waist and presses your back against the bar. He brushes his lips against your cheek, you feel your face heat up when he places a soft peck on your cheek. “Do you think I’m the type to get rejected?” He nudges. His face makes its way toward your neck, his lips brushing over it gently. You feel yourself growing wetter by the minute. “Uh-I-I-Aww, Helmet cat got your tongue?” Felix cuts you off as he pulls back. Your eyes form a glare before you shove him back “You’re annoying” you groan. He smiles widely, his eyes forming crescents as he scrunches his nose. “You finally reacted though” He states proudly. Rolling your eyes “Yeah sure” you argue. “You did though...” He whines.  

“Sure, Lix whatever you say” You deny behind red flushed cheeks.  

“Deny it all you want but you want me, Helmet. I know I’m probably your ideal type but you have to control yourself Y/Nie. I’m supposed to be your best friend” He teases. You shake your head at his antics. “You can't kiss me, okay?” he continues. You fake a gag, before shoving him back, and allow your eyes to drift around the room. Though it was just more of Felix’s harmless playful flirting, it still felt wrong to have him so close to you. You knew it was stupid but your heart still longed for Hyunjin. It’s not that you didn’t enjoy Felix touching you, you just wished it was someone else. You hate that you longed for his touch, his lips, his everything. You knew what you had heard from Ye-na but you didn’t know if it was even true. The night you had broken up he said it wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t lie to try to get you to stay. You wish you weren’t so.... fragile. The Ye-na situation had derailed you off track and you’re having a damn hard time getting back on it again. Felix was a great guy, he seemed like the type to be loyal if he was to be in a relationship. Sure, he was flirty while single but you also know that before returning to Seoul; he was in a long-term relationship that didn’t end well. So, who could blame him for enjoying the single life. “Can we find Karina?” You plead.  

He nods taking a hold of your hand before leading you through the crowd. “I saw her by the booths before I got you” Felix states. You grasp his hand tightly as you make your way through the horde of sweaty bodies, making sure to avoid any spilling drinks. You couldn’t understand how this could be fun to anyone. You could barely hear anything, there was a cluster fuck of people, and the guys are creeps. You would appreciate the experience but this will not be repeated. You’re pulled out of your thoughts as you collide with Felix’s back. You notice him bent over, laughter spilling from his mouth as he slaps his knee. “Oh, this is too funny!” He cackles as he pulls out his phone and takes repeated pictures. Your eyes follow his line of vision only to be met with Karina placed on someone’s lap, their lips interlocked, her hand pulling his hair. You gasp in shock as they pull away. Your hand smacks over your mouth, “Jisung!” you exclaim as you dash toward the pair “Oh my god! Felix is going to have so much fun with this I’m telling you”  

“Fun!? Dude, its already in the group chat. Yeji and Lia are dying” Felix exclaims between fits of laughter. Karina rolls her eyes “What? The guys are absolutely lame here and at least with Captain Thinks with his dick over here the corny flirting comes with a good reputation in bed.” She shrugs as she lifts herself off Jisung’s lap before leaning over and pressing her lips against Jisung’s once more “I’m going to the bathroom” she waves as she makes her way through the crowd. You take a seat next to Jisung. “So... when did, uh, this happen?” you question. “Honestly, I think like 15 minutes ago. She texted me said she was bored. I asked where she was. She told me. I came and uh next thing you know—Ehm- yeah" Jisung stammered behind blushed cheeks. “Oh, so you came.... alone?” Jisung nods. “that’s brave of you, it's pretty boring now I don’t know how you’d have a good time here” you whine. Jisung chuckles “Cause you’re supposed to be buzzed, doll”  

“I’ve had like 2 drinks” you argue.  

“What? Some fruity mixed drink that’s probably watered down?”  

“So, then what should I drink?”  

A mischievous smile forms on Jisung’s lips “Shots!”

______________________________________________________________

Note to self: Never go clubbing with Jisung again.  

You were drunk.

So, fucking drunk.  

He was right though; you were definitely having fun in the beginning. He lived up to his party reputation and you had the most fun you’ve had in a while. After the first shot, you felt warm as the liquid burned your throat. The second you took in quick succession as per Jisung’s advice. Your fingers felt tingly and the burning sensation wasn’t so bad. The third shot came after about 10 minutes, when the room stopped rocking. You had to give it up to Jisung, he definitely tried to make you pace yourself. But shots four, five, and six came and went while Karina decided she wanted to continue more of what they had started previously and Felix had found a friend for the night.  

You regret not taking his advice as the room began spinning. You stagger your way out the door after sending a quick text to Karina and Felix explaining you were going home and getting an uber. If was cold outside you didn’t know, your body felt so hot. Your hair was way too long as it tickled your lower back. But in your drunken state of mind, you stare at your home screen you have yet to change and you find yourself dialing Hyunjin’s number. “Hell---Hello?!” His voice answers timidly. “Hyunnie~” you slur. “Babe, are you okay?” He inquires. You shake your head “No...Jisung helped me get drunk”  

“He fucking what?!” Hyunjin growls. “Well, he told me to-to go slow but I didn’t it was so much fun Hyunnie. But I miss you so it wasn’t fun” You whine. “I miss you too baby” he confesses “So fucking much” his voice cracks. “I have to go home” you slur, pressing your back against the wall. “Where are you? How are you getting home?” There was concerned laced in his tone. “I don’t know” you shrug to yourself. “You don’t know where you are? Or you don’t know how you’re getting home?” He questions worriedly. “No, I’m at octagon club. I told Karina and Felix I'd get an uber but—sigh--I want to walk but the world is spinning.”  

“You’re not walking home” He declares. “I’ll be there in 5”  

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin was going to kill Han Jisung. He was as good as dead, not only had you gotten completely fucking blasted by what Hyunjin could tell. But his dear best friend has yet to be heard from. Hyunjin raged the whole way to the club, running almost every stop sign he came across. Hyunjin wanted to strangle Jisung a fuck ton more when he saw you sat on the ground, your head in your hands as you continued to struggle remain upright. Hyunjin barely came to a stop before he was putting the car in park and rushing toward you with a call of your name. His heart stopped in his chest as your head whipped up and you greeted him with the most beautiful smile.  

“Hyunnie~!” you called as you reached out to him struggling to lift yourself off the ground. He quickly rushed to your side; taking a hold of your hand before wrapping his arms around your waist pulling you into his frame. He was taken aback when he felt your arms snake around his neck, you press your chest against his. He can’t help himself but to tighten his grip on you. He felt everything stop. Fuck everything about you was absolutely perfect. He buries his face in your neck, he sighs. “Wow! Your hairs black!” you exclaim surprise in your tone.He can only nod in response. He knows it's wrong, you were drunk and you 100% did not want to see him let alone have him touch you but, you were so fucking adorable and he missed this so fucking much that he needed to hold onto it for as long as he could. Fuck Jisung, fuck this club, and Hyunjin won't begin to think about all the guys that probably thought they had a chance with you in this dress cause holy fuck! For this moment, things were back to the way they were before. He hated that he had to end it, but you needed to get home and out of the cold. You were probably so drunk you didn’t notice how freezing it was.  

His fingers brushed your hair away from your face, placing his hands over your cheeks. “It's so cold out baby let me take you home, hmm?” He urged. You nod in response. Your fingers played with his as he walked you to his car. You whined as he removed his hand from yours “I have to open the door, princess” he whispers as he softly strokes your cheek before helping you into the passenger seat and buckling you up; while turning to close the door, he feels your hand wrap around his forearm. “Where are you going?” you query, worry filling your eyes. A sad smile forms on his lips, he caresses your cheek eyes finding yours. “I have to drive, silly girl” he explains softly. Your eyes stay connected for what feels like forever. He wants to remember your face right now forever. Your eyes telling of your love for him, the light pink blush gracing your cheeks. You were absolutely beautiful.

Hyunjin contemplates just closing the door and just going into the driver's seat as he feels the familiar feeling of your soft, velvet lips. He holds back a moan at the unexpected kiss, but responds almost instantly. Hyunjin missed this too, the feeling of your lips on his. Your mouths move in sync. Your tongue pokes out from your lips making its way into Hyunjin’s mouth and moan as your tongues connect. A sound that sends a shock straight down and suddenly his pants felt exceptionally tight. He was lost in the feeling, so much so that he almost forgot, you wouldn’t want this if you were sober; but as your fingers gripped his hair and he heard the familiar whines he knew this is where the line needed to be drawn. The last thing Hyunjin wanted to do was take advantage of your drunken state. And as much as he truly did miss how amazing the sex was, he knew that you’d never talk to him again if he continued; so, reluctantly, He pulls away and makes his way over to drivers' side and gets in.

The ride to your dorm was awkward to say the least. He had so much he wanted to say, apologies sit on the tip of his tongue. At this moment, Felix’s words rang through his head. Hyunjin felt as if he should just explain. You were sitting right there; sure, you were drunk and your reaction probably wouldn’t be the best right now but at least he’d get the chance to explain. He could feel your eyes burning into him and he wasn’t sure if you could tell but Hyunjin’s heart was racing. He practically jumped when he felt your hand snake onto his thigh making its way toward his member. Reacting quickly his hand wraps around your wrist “Whoa! What are you doing?” He exclaims. Did Hyunjin want you to practically beg for him again? Of course. But you were drunk and he was probably the last person you’d want to sleep with when sober. He loved you too much to let you do something you’d probably regret. “I miss you...” You pout. His resolve almost melts when he sees the puppy dog look in your eyes.  

“I miss you too baby but you don’t want to do this right now....” He whispers. He thanks God as he pulls into your dorm parking lot. “You’re home” he states softly as he takes your hand into his. You stare at your dorm before your eyes drift back to him. He notices the tears in your eyes, your hands are shaky. “What’s wrong?” He inquires. “I don’t want to go...I’m so fucking hurt-you hurt me so bad.” You cried “But I don’t want to go” Your eyes connected; He felt his heart break all over again “You don’t understand how fucking sorry I am. I love you I swear I love you so fucking much, I never meant to hurt you baby. I’m so fucking sorry” His voice cracks as he holds your hand tightly against his chest. His eyes never leave yours. “But we can’t have this conversation right now, you’re drunk you need sleep. I promise tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything.” He promises. Your eyes flash back to your dorm, before you nod.  

“Tomorrow...”  

______________________________________________________________

You regret getting so drunk last night.

You had a massive migraine and you felt so fucking nauseous. But at least you could still remember most of your night, besides the walk to your dorm. Were you embarrassed? No not really.  

Did you regret it?......you weren’t sure. You had definitely appreciated Hyunjin not accepting your advances. BUT were you feeling up to talking to him today? No, and not cause you were still angry at this point you were more confused; but because you were 100% hungover. So, you instead of immediately texting Hyunjin to set up a time to talk, you took some Tylenol and rushed to the campus café. You quickly regretted running as you collide with the petite figure of someone coming out of the door. “I’m so sorry I should have been paying attention” You apologize reaching toward the girl, freezing in shock as you come face to face with Ye-na She went to snap a response before she mouths an ‘oh’ and taking your hand. With a shaky breath your grasp on her tightens “C-can we talk?” you ask shyly. She nods with a hesitance following you back into the café.  

The vibe was awkward and off as you both sipped your coffee silently, eyes looking everywhere around the room but at each other. “So, what’d you want to talk about?” “So did you know I was in the room that night?” You both question at the same time. You giggle at the timing. “That was impeccable timing” Ye-na chuckles before taking a sip of her coffee before continuing “But to answer your question, honestly, no. I didn’t.” she sighs. You nod in response before taking another sip of your coffee “Woul-would you have still said what you said if you did?”  

She ponders on your question for a moment before she lets out a heavy sigh “If you want the truth?” you nod in response “well then, no I wouldn’t have.” She answers matter of factly. You look at her confused “Why not?”  

“Well, the night you over heard me a few minutes before Hyunjin had kinda lost his shit on me. Again. Told me to leave him alone and to stop calling and texting him because what happened was a mistake and he loved you so he needed me to stop” She confesses. “But you said---oh I know what you heard, but he told me that months ago. Like right around the summer, I’m not gonna lie and say what I did was right too Y/N. And even though, me and Hyunjin had what we had. I never wanted to be the one to tell you that. I’m pretty surprised you haven’t lost your shit on me yet honestly”

You shrug. “You weren’t my boyfriend.”  

“So?” She counters before crossing her arms over her chest “Not to be a bitch or anything but I 100% knew about you; and just didn’t care honestly. See, here’s your problem Y/N cause obviously no one will give it to you straight. I’m not the only girl Hyunjin’s been with while he was with you. His reputation follows him and every single one of us knew what it was. Just like you probably did before you two made things official. I didn’t care he had a girlfriend, I didn’t care about your feelings, and I didn’t care if you gave a shit or not. I wanted a good time and he gave that to me for a bit and eventually I started caring. I hate myself for what I did but still I never wanted you to find out, especially when we were put in the same class. Like let's be real here no one would ever want to admit to the girlfriend of the guy you're hanging out with that you got rejected.”  

Your mouth hangs open at her honesty. You weren’t sure what to say, and while you appreciated her brazenness, you felt your blood boiling. “So is side chick your full-time gig or are you just on call?” you snap. She chuckles, almost to herself before her face falls flat. She crosses her right leg over her left before letting her arm fall into her lap holding up her chin “See, I knew you had some fire in you. Look, you asked I answered what you do with that is beyond me.” Your hangover long forgotten, and a fire in your eyes. “So what? You wanted to just be on the side until you got bored?” she shakes her head “Oh no, I’ll be real here, I saw the way Hyunjin looked at you. I knew at some point he’d realize what a dumbass he was being and it’d eventually stop; but, I was enjoying it while it lasted. He called things off months ago” To say you were now beyond confused would be an understatement, and while her reputation is definitely accurate about her bitchiness, she seemed honest. You heard something you weren’t supposed to, something that set the spark that ignited the flame behind your rage that night.  

“So, is that all?...or can I go?”

______________________________________________________________

Yeji and Lia were quite the pair.  

Apart from you and Karina, they were absolutely hilarious when they got together, they always seemed to make you laugh; and with Karina completely in the wind and flaking on your group's traditional hangover chill day-the first one in your honor by the way-you were left partner less until Yeji came over with Felix in tow. You and Lia couldn’t contain your laughter as Yeji dragged Felix into your living room with Karina’s matching bright lilac hairband across his head. “Oh, no fair why am I purple? Lia’s green?” Felix whines as he stomps his foot in place. “What’s wrong with purple?” Lia questions “and this is aquamarine” she declares with a point to her headband. “Purples for girls switch with me” He cries. “No!” Lia proclaims.

“Pleeeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeee”

“Hmmmmmm......No”

“Pwease”

“How bout no”  

“Pl--Holy Fuck! Felix if you say please again my head will explode. Switch with me” You growl, pulling your headband off and holding it out toward him. “Ooo Pink!” He exclaims excitedly. Yeji giggles as she finishes setting up her portable projector. “Felix?” she calls. His eyes are bright as he smiles in her direction “Yeah?” “You’re adorable” She smiles as she makes her way over to your couch ruffling his hair as she takes a seat next to him. He forms his hands in the shape of a heart before separating them and placing each half of the heart on his cheeks.  “Ahhh! Felix-oppa! I love you!  you’re the best idol in the world” You tease. Lia grips your hands as she joins in on your teasing. “Felix-oppa! Give us a song oppa!” you laugh as you and Lia jump in circles. “Ha.Ha.Ha. You’re both top tier comedians” Felix groans. “Lix, what do you mean? You literally rejected that scout from JYP” You ask whispering the JYP as you release yourself from Lia and make your way over to the couch. “I mean I don’t think being an idol would be for me”  

“Oh, come on Lix it was a joke” Lia whines “Yeah besides you could definitely be an idol. You’re an amazing dancer, you got the image for it” You mention. “And personality” Yeji adds. “Yeah! You have an awesome personality for an idol too, your fans would probably call you something adorable like sunshine or something cause of your personality” Felix blushes, bringing his hands to his face hiding. “Stop~!” He whines in embarrassment. You roll your eyes “Fine....so what are we doing first Yeji.” a mischievous smile forms on her lips “Well......” she giggles before she pulls out 4 mics from her bag.  

“OH, COME ON!” Felix shouts

______________________________________________________________

“Baby, Nal teojil geotcheoreom anajwo, Geuman saenggakae mwoga geuri eoryeowo Geojinmalcheoreom kiss-haejwo naega neoege, Majimak sarangin geotcheoreom Majimakcheoreom (Yeah) ma-ma-majimakcheoreom (Yeah) Majimak bamin geotcheoreom love Majimakcheoreom (Yeah) ma-ma-majimakcheoreom (Yeah) Naeil ttawin eomneun geotcheoreom love” You guys sang. You laughed internally as you and Felix also did the choreography and ended up facing each other in Lisa’s part of the choreography. You smile in victory as the words WINNER flash across yours and Felix’s screen.  

“What’s the next song?” Felix giggles to Yeji. She shrugs “I don’t know it's your turn to choose Lixie” she states as she hands him her phone so he can go through the catalog. You take a seat on the couch with a heavy breath as Lia takes a seat next to you. “I don’t know how that boy has so much energy after last night” you groan. Lia gives a small giggle “He’s not human that’s why” she suggests. You ponder her statement for a moment “True” you both chuckle to yourselves. “But I actually just wanted to see how you were doing you know? You still haven’t really told me how your talk with Ye-na went. Or if you are actually going to meet with Hyunjin later”  

You sigh at her words “Well, I’m okay honestly. And my talk with Ye-na went.......fine.”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I mean she lives up to her reputation of being a grade A bitch.” You explain “But at least I got what I think is the truth from her” Lia stares at you dumbfounded. “And what about Hyunjin?” You shrug “What about him? Honestly, I was going to talk to him tonight which honestly, I’m not particularly ready to see him, especially after what I did last night....”  

“Girl what did you do last night?!”  

“Nothing crazy, just tried to get Hyunjin to sleep with me” You groan in embarrassment. “YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?” Lia exclaims. Yeji’s and Felix’s eyes flash to you “Slept with who?” Yeji questions. You shake your head rapidly “No one. Nothing” you give Lia a glare, she sinks in her seat with her hand placed over her mouth. “Y/N who’d you sleep with?” Yeji urged. “No one honestly I just TRIED to sleep with someone and thank god they weren’t an asshole and knew I was drunk” You explain your glare not leaving Lia’s face. She mouthed a sorry before Twice’s Dance the Night Away played through your speakers. Felix jumped as he quickly paused the song “Sorry.” You, Lia, and Yeji laughed at the sudden interruption.  

“Felix you’re so cute”  

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin couldn’t help but be on edge all day.  

You hadn’t texted or called and its almost 5, he felt himself slowly falling into insanity. His leg shaking rapidly as he checked his phone for what felt like the hundredth time today. Why hadn’t you texted? Hyunjin felt his heart racing as Changbin and Seungmin, Hyunjin’s dorm mate, shouted as they played their game. Hyunjin was nervous at how things would go, and while he knew the chances of you forgiving him were slim, he hoped you would give him another chance. He knew how badly he continuously fucked up before but he’d be different. He hopes you can remember how things had changed before you had left him, that you can see he does love you and he’d never do anything else to ruin it.  

He watched as the clock went up a minute. Then another, then another before his screen timed out. “Why don’t you just call her?” Changbin suggested pulling Hyunjin out of his thoughts. “Huh?” He called in confusion. Changbin and Seungmin look at each other before laughing. “Call her” The older male suggests. “I have remember? She doesn’t answer” He responds sarcasm dripping off his words. “Wasn’t that before she agreed to talk to you today though?” Seungmin asks. Hyunjin nods slowly “I don’t want to harass her though, what if she changed her mind?”  

“Then she’s a bitch for not letting you know” Seungmin snaps.

“Hey! Don’t talk about her like you know her” He warns.  

Seungmin rolls his eyes, before focusing back on the game. “I’m just saying she got your hopes up for nothing if she changed her mind, the least she could do is at least let you know that you two won't be talking today and she needs more time”  

“You act like she owes him anything honestly” Changbin mumbles, but Hyunjin heard it. He knew his friend was mad at how things played out, Changbin was big on loyalty and honesty. Even though, Hyunjin was one of his best friends it didn’t mean Changbin would hide his anger at Hyunjin’s treatment of you during the beginning of your relationship. The night you ended things whilst Jisung comforted him, Changbin tried to contain his laughter. His ‘I told you so’s’ became a daily routine for Hyunjin. Hyunjin couldn’t blame him though, Changbin had warned him to stop messing with you and take things seriously. Hyunjin could only wish he could go back and listen to him. If he did, he wouldn’t be in the situation he’s in now. You’d still be his. He’d still be able to call you if he just wanted to hear your voice. He wishes he could go back and kick his past self’s ass. Scream at him how fucking terrible it is without you. Changbin was right, you didn’t owe him anything, so Hyunjin sat quiet staring at your contact hoping something---anything would come through from it.  

Hyunjin’s gaze was pulled away by Changbin snatching his phone. Panic filled his chest “Wait! What are you doing?” he called as he went to grab his phone back. Seungmin jumps from his place on the couch standing between him and Changbin. “I’m calling Y/N” Changbin confesses as he presses the phone to his ear. “NO! No” He cries “Please dude I’m not kidding----Hello? Y/N? Yeah, its Changbin” Hyunjin’s eyes widen as he can hear your voice through the phone “Hang up! I’m not kidding Hang up” He pleaded tears practically blinding him as he struggled against Seungmin hold. “Oh yeah Hyunjin is right here, yeah I mean it’s a little weird I guess but I don’t have your number so...” Changbin winked at him, Hyunjin felt as if he would combust. “Oh, I mean he’s kinda tied up right now but I could definitely get him to meet you there.” Hyunjin froze in his place as Changbin continued “Yeah I think he’ll be there before that but yeah that works” “What’s she saying?” He whispers, Changbin holds his finger up. “Okay, but you should definitely text me Y/Nie~ who else is going to help me with.......you know what” The male whined.  

“Help you with what?” Hyunjin whispered.

Changbin shushed him “Well it was nice talking to you I’ll see you later bye Y/Nie~” Hyunjin stared at Changbin dumbfounded as he hung up the phone and handed it to him. “You guys got chips?” Changbin questioned casually. Hyunjin’s lips parted as he stood there with his phone in his hand, staring at Changbin. “Well....” He urged. Changbin looked at him confused.  

“Well, what?”  

“What did she say?”  

“She wants to talk to you” Changbin shrugged.  

Hyunjin’s eyes widen “And you were going to what? Just not tell me?!” He quickly started looking for his keys and wallet. Grabbing a bucket hat and hoodie in the process. The muscular male chuckled to himself as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I was, when it was a few minutes before she said cause, I knew If I said anything you’d race out the door like you’re trying to do now besides you don’t even know where she wants you to meet her” Hyunjin stops in his tracks, “Where?” Changbin shrugs, Hyunjin pouts and stomps his foot “Tell meeeeee” he whines. And while Hyunjin knows he sounds pathetic; he’s not going to waste any more time. If there was a way to fix things then he was going to do it. But with his friend knowing him way too well and you saying a specific time Hyunjin knew he would have to wait. With that in mind, he stomped his way over to the couch. A pout on his lips, he crossed his arms over his chest and stared daggers at Changbin. Hyunjin wasn’t sure how much time went by as Changbin played on his phone ignoring Hyunjin’s death glare.  

“Her apartment, 5 minutes” He states with a smug smirk on his lips and a wink.  

“5 MINUTES!?” Hyunjin cries as he jumps from the couch and rushes toward the door.

“YOU ACT LIKE YOU WONT BE THERE IN TWO!!” He hears Changbin call as he sprints out the door.

______________________________________________________________

You paced back and forth as the clock got closer and closer to 6.  

Your heart was performing a full drum solo in your chest, your palms were sweaty and you felt like you were underwater. While you found it odd that Changbin had called you from Hyunjin’s phone you were grateful for him being the one to actually let Hyunjin know when to come talk. You had put it off for most of the day and after your conversation with Ye-na you were still utterly confused on what the entire truth was. You were happy Lia was willing to hang out at Yeji’s place while you and Hyunjin talked. You were also exceptionally grateful for Karina for having dropped off a bottle of vodka and encouraged you to do a shot; cause while you did feel anxious, at least you still felt brave enough to have this conversation. You weren’t sure what Hyunjin would say and you didn’t know what your relationship would be after tonight. There were two things you were sure about 1. Your relationship with Hyunjin was toxic and things would have to change drastically if you were to take him back. And 2. you still loved him despite the way he had treated you; you still loved him. You poured another shot, along with drinking you’ve picked up another bad habit since your break up with Hyunjin, smoking. And no, not something disgusting like cigarettes but you do find yourself lighting up a blunt and taking a couple of drags here and there.  

You enjoyed the calming feeling that came from marijuana. With your anxiety through the roof and having had a panic attack in front of him, Yeonjun from your dance class hooked you up with his guy. For the first day or two, you only smoked with Yeonjun in his dorm. But when Felix began questioning the nature of your friendship with Choi Yeonjun, knowing his bad boy reputation, you began to slowly distance yourself from Yeonjun. Felix found out shortly after about your little habit but promised not to say anything to anyone else. You found yourself surprised when your new smoking buddy became Felix. Only smoking when you felt huge bouts of anxiety coming on and you needed to calm down. Your pulled away from your thoughts as a series of rapid knocks came to your door. You jumped in a panic quickly putting the blunt out on your tongue before stashing it away under a magazine on the coffee table. “Shit” You groaned as you tried to fan the smoke away. You rush to the door almost tripping over your shoes before you pull the door open with a sigh. You stare down your ex as your chest heaves, you notice him leaning against the door frame struggling to catch his breath “You, okay? You look like you ran a marathon” Hyunjin struggled to get out in-between gasps.  

“You’re one to talk” You counter gesturing to him. You notice suspicion in his eyes “What’s that smell?” your heart sinks in your chest. “What? Oh, yeah Felix got me into those incense things recently” you lie “trust me babe I’ve been to plenty of parties to know what weed smells like so try that again” Hyunjin calls your bluff. You swallow nothing, you find yourself growing irritated at the smug smirk on his lips. When you were together you would have immediately cracked and probably told him everything, but now, oh now you wanted to whip that smirk off his face “Are you going to keep interrogating me? Or are we going to talk about what we actually need to talk about?” You snap. “And don’t act like you have a right to ask me anything personal right now” His whole confident demeanor is washed away by your words; you notice the panic in his eyes as he stands straight; the smirk no longer on his lips instead there sat a small pout. “Fine...can I come in or is that question too personal too?”  You roll your eyes before stepping to the side and allowing him entry.  

“Soo, where is it then huh?” He asks casually.  

“Where’s what?”  

He chuckles at your question “Nothing” his eyes drift around the room. You and Lia hadn’t changed much in the time since he’s last been here, beside the smell of marijuana, it was pretty much the same. He notices the one magazine out of place and glances in your direction. “What? What are you looking for?” You question, irritation leaks into your tone. “Your weed” He shrugs. You two stand across the room for what felt like hours, just staring at each other. Your eyes in a battle with one another, eventually you realize he’s not going to let this go and you wanted answers so with a heavy heart you roll your eyes before making your way over to the coffee table and toss the magazine to the side. “There. Happy?” You groan frustrated before falling back onto your couch. “Ecstatic” He replies sarcastically. “Like come on Y/N you really thought I'd be okay with you doing that?”  

“You don’t do weed, Hyunjin”  

“That’s not my fucking point Y/N and you know it! Why are you smoking in the first place?”  

You couldn’t help but laugh “If you gave any of a shit during our relationship, you’d know I have an anxiety disorder.” You lean forward grabbing the vodka bottle and pour yourself a shot. “I did give a shit.” “What? When I broke up with you? I mean come on” You toss the shot back swallowing it whole “You didn’t give a shit not for a long time” Hyunjin stood in place dumbfounded. This is not how this conversation was supposed to go, but right now at least it was something, and even though he was raging at the idea of you being high right now he had to give it you; you were right, he didn’t know you had an anxiety disorder. Why didn’t he know that? “Look I know I fucked up, but I care about you and I know what can happen if you’re high and just not paying attention”  

“I smoke when I’m home or with.... someone I’m not stupid.”  

“Someone? Who Felix?”  

“No....just...someone”  

“Well, someone is going to get their ass kicked so Y/N needs to let me know who”  

“Why?”  

Hyunjin’s jaw was clenched, you’ve never been this difficult and it was hard for him not to let his jealousy show. He needed to know who the fuck got you to smoke and he needed to teach them to stay in their place. “Fuck Y/N! Just tell me!” He growls, his fists clenched. “No! I don’t have to tell you shit! You're going to ruin my connect. Why don’t you go question Ye-na or any of the other sluts you cheated on me with?” Hyunjin had nothing to say to that. He stared at you with hurt in his eyes “It wasn’t like that” he mumbled “So what was it like then?” He wasn’t sure how to answer that question. While he was willing to answer any questions you had he himself wasn’t sure what it was like honestly. “I don’t know.... just not this fucking picture you have in your mind about things” He grumbled. “You don’t know what I'm thinking right now” You retort. “You’re right. I don’t know what the fuck you’re thinking right now! You've been naïve but you’ve never been fucking stupid” He argued. “So, I’m stupid now?!” You cross your arms over your chest “When you’re smoking weed and getting black out drunk? yes!”  

“I wasn’t black out dr----You called me! Just fucking stop Y/N. You’re doing stupid shit and you’re going to get yourself hurt. Bad.” He cut you off. He didn’t understand why you were being this way and whilst he was supposed to be explaining the Ye-na situation, he couldn’t help but be angry at your recklessness. “You’d know all about that right?” you snap. “YOU ACT LIKE I MEANT TO HURT YOU” He shouted. You reach for the bottle again but Hyunjin’s quicker and snatches it from your grasp. “You’ve drank enough for the past two days don’t you think?” He growls as he places the bottle down on your shelf.  You stare daggers at him in response. A smirk on your face as you reach for your blunt and put it to your lips “Fucking stop! Y/N”  

“Oh please! Look at you, you’re acting all high and mighty. Your hypocrisy is showing Hyunjin” you challenge as you light the blunt. Your eyes not leaving his. “I haven’t smoked for a while Y/N. I haven’t done anything I used to do for a while” he confesses, realizing there were more important things to talk about. He hopes you catch the double meaning behind his words. You sat quietly taking in a long drag before releasing the smoke. “Is that supposed to impress me or something? I don’t think you realize how much this whole thing fucked me up---How you fucked me up, Hyunjin!” you exclaim, quickly getting to your feet. “Fuck please just-just tell me what to do then?! I don’t know what you fucking want! I’m trying and the more I try the more you pull away! You think this shit is easy for me? It’s not! You ripped my fucking heart out too you know? Instead of just talking to me or even letting me say fucking anything you ended things and that’s only because I found you that night!” He growls crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes are filled with fire. “Oh boo-fucking-Hoo your girlfriend found out you cheated and dumped you how fucking sad” you retort “Do you need a hug?” you couldn’t contain your sarcasm. You were beyond livid. How dare he sit there and act like he was an innocent bystander.  

“Can you be fucking serious for one minute? fucking Christ.”  

“Can you be honest for one minute?”  

“What?! You wanna know if I cheated on you?!” He argues, you stare at him with fury behind your eyes “no I kno---Yeah! I fucked Ye-na…..months ago! When I didn’t give a fuck about you or this relationship!” He cuts you off, you notice the anger dissipating from him being replaced with guilt and regret. You’re frozen in place and Hyunjin makes his way around the coffee table and places himself in front of you, his hands firmly wrapped around your arms.  “But I haven’t cheated on you in months, I’ve been with no one else in almost a year! I know its fucked up, I know I’m wrong for what I did but I changed.” His voice cracks as your eyes drift around the room, you could feel your anger leaving you as well, whilst he confesses. “What changed then?” you question, your voice is almost inaudible. “You. Well, I wanted to change for you. I’ll tell you everything you want to know but please just at least don’t drink anymore today, okay? I’m not kidding it was really scary to find you like that last night. I know what I did ruined my right to care but I do, I care so fucking much. And I need you to be okay, not amazing, not happy even, but at least okay” His hands find themselves holding your face to make you look at him. Your fingers wrap around his wrist.  

“Hyun, I’m fine....”  

He shakes his head in response “Now who’s the one that won't be honest? You’re not fine and I know I’m part of the reason for that. I should have been better to you, I was confused about how I felt and I-I---sigh----I fucked up, so fucking bad. But once I realized how I felt I tried so hard to fix things and change and just leave that shit behind.” you stare at him in shock. You find your legs growing wobbly and your chest is tightening. You can feel your breathing getting heavier and heavier the more Hyunjin talks. You remove Hyunjin’s grasp on you and take a seat on the couch, you knew your anxiety would be off the charts. “Ca-can I ask you something then?” You ask, your voice is small. “Anything” Hyunjin sits on the table, you give him a small glare “Is me answering question more important than your stupid rule?” he argues before you can scold him for sitting on your table. “Did I mean anything to you? Like at all? I’m not going to lie I was so fucking confused for such a long time and I’m really tired of it.” Hyunjin’s hand ran over his face before finding its way to the back of his neck. “You mean everything to me....” His words are practically whispers. “So why---I can’t answer that. I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to you so I won't answer that question” He cut you off.  

“You said you’d answer everything”  

“I said you could ask me anything, please, just know things are different now than they were, okay?”  

“Hyunjin I need to know....”  

“I can tell you how I feel now, I don’t feel the same way anymore so why does it matter?”

There they were again. The same question he always asked; does it matter? And for once you have a genuine answer “Yes it matters.” He sighs in response, grabbing the blunt that went out long ago from your hand and the lighter. You stare at him as he lights it and takes a long hit off it. You notice the way his hands are shaky and tears well up in his eyes. “Fine, honestly, when this all started, I didn’t really care. ---obviously---just listen. Y/N. I didn’t care and not because of you but because you know how I felt about relationships.” He confesses. “So, why’d even ask me out in the first place? In case you forgot Hyunjin, the whole reason we were even in a relationship was because you initiated it.” You question, puzzled. “I-I know I did, I got jealous honestly...---of who? I was only hooking up with you at the time” You cut him off “Minho and a little Han but mostly Minho” He states honestly. “Huh?” now you were really confused, why Minho? He was your dance partner last year and was the best dancer of 3rd year. But you two were no more than acquaintances at most and while you did spend a lot of time with him last year it was always about dance.  

“There was a rumor going around that Minho was going to confess and ask you out....”  

“And so, you asked first? So, he couldn’t?”  

Hyunjin nods in response, “I know it's stupid, and we were hooking up so I should’ve trusted that you liked me but I was insanely fucking jealous and it just happened. But I don’t regret it, I fell in love with you and I want to show you things would be different. I ended things with Ye-na almost as soon as they happened and—fuck—I know how badly I fucked up. I just want to fix things, I want to be with you, I feel so lost without you. I love you and I’ll make you trust me again.” You felt your heart clench at the softness in his tone. He seemed scared, he kept fidgeting as he allowed the blunt to go out and placed it on your table beside him. His breathe was shaky as he explained. “Would you have ever told me?” You ask “a-about anything?” he shakes his head “If I knew for a fact that you wouldn’t have broken up with me then yes but otherwise, I never wanted you to find out.”  

“Why?”

“Huh?”  

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”  

“Because look what happened when you found out! Fuck I lost you and that was the whole reason I stopped everything with everyone but you because I didn’t want to lose you but Ye-na told you whatever she told you that night and I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t answering my messages and I was fucking panicking because I just wanted to get you out of there because she was fucking pissed. But she saw you first---I still don’t understand how everything happened---all I know is that losing you has been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me right now and I just-I want to be with you. I can be better; I’ll do whatever you want. I can make you happy.” He cried, he held onto your hands. Tears stream down his face, you stare at him sadly “It wasn’t just the cheating, Hyunjin. You can’t say you didn’t act like I wasn’t a burden. I know you said things would change but how can I be sure of that? For a long time, things were…. bad and I don’t want to be hurt again” you state hesitantly. “I won’t—I’ll be better I can help you trust me. I can love you the right way. I’ve never done this before but I’ll figure it out for you. Anything. Please just-just take me back, you don’t have to completely forgive me but please tell me I didn’t ruin things forever. Fuck I need to know you still love me, please tell me you still love me” He pleaded, he was on his knees his eyes never leaving yours. Rivers of tears flow down his angelic face.  

Your heart racing, you remove your hand from his, caressing his cheek wiping tears from their descent. “of course, I still love you. But I’m so fucking hurt and I don’t know if I could trust you.” He shakes his head “N-no do-don’t say that please. You can trust me. I’ll prove to you that you can please just give me a chance. I won’t hurt you again” he begs reaching into his pocket and unlocking his phone before shoving it in your hands. “You can go through it. Everything. And you can do that until you trust me again. I will do everything I can to be with you again.” You stare at the device in your hands, you notice his wallpaper. A selfie you had sent him a few months ago from your dance practice with Felix for the showcase. You felt butterflies fluttering in your stomach as you locked the device and handed it back to him “I-I don’t want to do that. I’m not that kind of person, Hyun and as much as I want to try things again, I can’t do that until I can trust you again.” Hyunjin buried his face in your neck, his arms wrapping around your waist. You felt his tears on your shoulder as he held you. “I can’t-I can’t lose you give me a chance just one chance please” He begged.  

(This is where the alt. ending begins)

“I-I think I need time…. Honestly Hyun, a lot in our relationship br-broke me and I need to work on loving myself again before I can even begin to think about being in a relationship. Maybe…. maybe we can try to just be friends for a while f-figure thing out.” You confess. His grip on you grew tighter, you could feel him shake his head against you. “I’m sorry...” he cried “I’m so fucking sorry, please, please don’t make me go. Please don’t let this be over I’m sorry. I love you; I love you and only you so fucking much please let me stay. I need you fuck I’m so so sorry” his whines turned into sobs as your resolve finally breaks tears running down your face. You wrap your arms around the sobbing man. “I’m sorry too, but things wouldn’t be okay right now anyway, even if I said we could fix things, I still wouldn’t trust you and things would be so difficult on your part only for one of us to get hurt. It's better to prevent that” You explained as you rubbed his back. “I’ll deal with that; I can take that. I hurt you for so fucking long that I can be hurt, I don’t care if you hurt me later on, as long as you’re mine now. Fuck please I love you so much it hurts. I don’t want to leave I don’t want to let you go please don’t make me.” He pleaded, pulling himself back so he could look in your eyes. His hands caress your cheek, wiping your tears.  

You hold onto his wrists; your eyes connect with his. It feels like an eternity before you look away; lowering his hands from you. His fingers wrap around your hand. “I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want to end this---then don’t, stay with me. Give me a chance, I made you fall in love and trust me before I can do it again. I can be different---I am different now. I haven’t partied in months; I’ve been all about you and no one but you.” You sigh in response “BUT, me loving you and you loving me isn’t enough anymore. I can't erase the past Hyun and as much as I want to just forgive you and get back together with you.... I just know that I’m going to question everything and I need time for myself. I need help with things that don’t involve you and I really need to figure out how things are going to go. I was accepted as a trainee at JYP because of the showcase and I’ve been considering doing it. I think us trying to figure things out would be too much right now and I-I just need time...” Hyunjin nods in response as he lifts himself from his knees, eyeing the door. You follow behind him and stand. “I don’t want you to be out of my life though. I do love you and I would love to be your friend. I know we both need space until we can be comfortable around each other without our feelings getting in the way but I hope we can be friends.” He nods. “C-can I hug you then.... b-before I go?” He asks sadly.  

You smile softly at him before wrapping your arms around his neck, pressing your chest against his. His arms snake around your waist, tightly pressing you against him as he buries his face in your neck. You hear him let out a long-dejected sigh. “I love you” he whispers. “I love you too” You respond, your voice barely audible. You held onto each other for what felt like eternity. You found it hard to hold back your tears. You love him, you truly loved him and if things were different, you would have held on forever. You heard him sniffling. You knew he was trying to hold back his tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t better for you. I never deserved you, but I’m so fucking grateful to have had a chance with you; even though I made so many mistakes, the only thing I truly will ever regret was losing you.” He divulges as he loosens his grip on you, his hand finds its way to your face; he caresses your cheek. “It’s okay, you’ll be okay. We need this, and I’m not leaving your life, okay? We can be friends I can be there for you eventually.” you soothe him before he removes his hands from you completely. Your eyes never leave each other's as he makes his way to the door. “Goodbye, Y/N” He calls as he opens the door and exits, closing the door behind him.

“Goodbye, I love you”  

________________________________________________________

Taglist: @xxoverthinkerxx @elmi-chan @midsoulz @hyunjintoon 

[fizzingwizard]

more self-reflection

It's funny-not-funny how much you just don't know at twenty. Whenever I think of couples who get married at that age, or even younger, (or couples where only one member is young), I just think of everything they don't know yet which could have had a material influence on their choices.

My college boyfriend knew from the start that I planned to move to Japan after graduating. He had just come back from the same ALT job I was applying for. At first he was fine with it. Then, once I was accepted, he started dropping hints that he wished I loved him enough to stay. I won't say he was pushy about it - he wasn't. But still, in my position, it made me feel selfish. Selfish for taking the job that been my goal for four years, and living in the country I'd dreamed of for much longer. If my desire had been any less, I might have been influenced. His experience was, he'd done long distance before, and his then-girlfriend had cheated on him. So he didn't want to do it again. I didn't like the implication that I'd cheat if were long distance, but I respected the pain he'd endured. So when he decided we should break up instead, I accepted it.

The thing is, he chose to break up with me on the day of my last concert in my college ensemble. Our group only did one concert a year. I always wished it was more, but we were all amateurs and playing non-western instruments so... basically we just sucked until that end of the year concert haha. So it was a once a year deal, and it was my senior year, so it was the last concert for me, period. And this is when my boyfriend decided to break up with me.

At twenty-one years old, I defended him. First off, just because a concert is important to me, doesn't mean everyone else understands that. To most people it's just another day. Some silly music played by students who don't really know what they're doing anyway.

And my boyfriend lived about an hour away. So I thought, he chose to do it on the concert day because he was already coming out this way, and he had the decency to break up face to face. It would be expecting too much for him to drive out an hour some other random day just to break up and go back home.

But it's been ten plus years since then. My current boyfriend also lives about an hour from me. And I would absolutely make that trip, if I were going to break up with him, rather than think "He has a DnD game on Friday I'm going to, I'll just do it then." What, and risk ruining DnD for him? "It's not like it's Christmas or anything." So? He loves DnD. He puts effort into DMing. He's expecting fun and happiness when he plays.

If I were going to break up with him, yeah, I'd do it face to face. But I'd go on my own time to do it. And I'd warn him in advance that I was coming for a difficult conversation - I wouldn't just spring it on him once DnD was over and he was all happy and full of stories from the session. Which is how I was, super charged from playing in my last concert, and really just wanting to talk about it and have a good time with my boyfriend. I defended him for years, the trip was too long, breaking up is too difficult. But actually the trip's not too long because breaking up is difficult. I do appreciate him doing it face to face, and I appreciate that he was young too (24) and inexperience affects us all.

But I do wish I hadn't felt selfish for so long, just for wishing he hadn't broken up with me on the day of my concert. Because I wasn't being selfish, and he should have picked another day.

In the scheme of things, my experience was a very tame one. No shouting, no aggression, we were both mostly rational the whole time. But to me, all that does is highlight the fact that, if such a tame experience could still have been handled better had we been wiser, how many people in more complex situations are in need of wisdom so much more? If you find a great person at twenty who stays great decades after, you're lucky. Nothing can replace life experience. I hate that, biologically, our bodies want us to start reproducing as young as possible - but mentally we're not ready still for years, and even longer, if you want to wait and experience the world so you gain that wisdom to understand people and respect both them and yourself first.