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honeyhenry · 4 years

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Captain Confusion

A/N: Inspired by this video that makes me weep with its cuteness! I just had to write this okay 🥺🥺🥺 This is in the same universe as Homeward Bound, which happens after this story. Feel free to give it a read after this, if you haven’t already! ALSO should note that the lovely @ohmygoodie is my Sy partner in crime and without them this fic would not be made possible :)

Warning: mention of operations/hospitals, and a whole lot of fluff!

It was a simple procedure and so it hadn't worried you too much, other than the usual fears when a loved one is under the knife while in the hands of trained doctors. Sy’s hernia had been authorised for operation only five minutes into the doctor’s appointment you had all but dragged him to, and scheduled for 4 days later. Not really much time to prepare mentally, but you knew it was necessary with your big bear of a man in pain. Despite the painkillers prescribed, he was walking with a limp and groaning in bed for all the wrong reasons.

In the waiting room, you and his Ma kept busy during the 45 minute wait by looking through magazines, talking about how the Captain’s quality of life will improve, and what kind of minor jobs you’ll have him do around the house while he’s recovering as you continue to work.

“I hope the recovery isn’t as long as some people have said. I know for a fact he’ll not want to be cooped up all day. If he’s anything, he’s stubborn” you sigh, knowingly.

Ma smiles, looking at you pointedly, knowing that she is in the presence of the only other soul who knows what is best for her son. “He knows better now that his health is his wealth. He’s got a lot more riding on being well now. After all, it’s not just him he’s gotta be there for anymore.”

“Yeah, I mean I always tell him, he’s not 25 anymore. Or even 30. I’ll need you to back me up, he does anything you say. I’m his equal, you’re his Mom.”

You both laugh a little, hers warm and kind, while yours tinges with the remaining hopeful nerves of an army Captain’s wife. You don’t like not knowing about your Sy, especially since you spent all those years apart, not knowing if he was safe, or even alive. The waiting, in any capacity, is the hardest part.

You’re flipping through a random tabloid magazine, when the surgeon in charge walks through to the waiting room.

“Everything went really well with Captain Syverson. He’s coming to from the anaesthetic and asking for his Ma?”

Ma grins before sucking her teeth between her lips watching as your mouth drops. You both move from the waiting area to follow the surgeon towards where your husband is resting. You speak under your breath, only wanting Sy’s Ma to hear you; “I hope he still remembers how to grovel after this.”

Ma enters the room with you following her, arriving only a couple more corridors along from where you’d last seen him earlier that morning. He may not have asked for you but you were going to see Sy whether he wanted it or not. A grand push of the door allows it to swing open, and suddenly there he is. A little disoriented but has a large dopey smile plastered on his face as soon as he sees his Ma. His heavy head lolls to one side as he rests it on the plush hospital pillow.

“Hey Ma” he groans out as she bends over her large son to give his forehead a kiss, taking his hand in hers. He spends a moment just gazing at her for a while, the love he has for her evident on his face, as she tells him that everything went well, and that he can go home tomorrow.

It’s only after this tender mother and son moment, that he notices you.

“Ma.... why ya bringing a beautiful girl here when I’m like this...oh god I’m not wearing underwear Ma!”

His feeble attempt at trying to cover himself means that you actually end up seeing far more of him than you expected. Nothing you hadn’t seen before, but it definitely hasn't happened in front of his own mother before. The whole situation makes you blush and giggle a little as you try your best to avoid eye contact with Ma. You can only imagine the look on her face, and you don’t want to get any more involved with Sy’s naked form than you need to right now.

Rather than put you and your poor Sy through any further embarrassment, Ma speaks up.

“Oh darlin’, this is y/n. You remember her, right?”

And while he’s listening - or at least pretending to listen to his Ma fussing over him again - he’s just staring at you, gazing in awe as if you were the one to hang the stars in the sky.

“You are.... so pretty” he slurs, making you break out a genuine smile that he mirrors, glad that he was the one to make you look even more pretty.

“Well thanks handsome. How do you feel?” you perch on the edge of the bed and hold his hand. To him, the gesture feels warm and inviting - even if he doesn't know you, he recognises something about you in the comfort that you bring.

“Feel like shit. Oh fuck i said ‘shit’ in front of the lady” he whines again, scrunching his eyes closed as hangs his head in shame. It looks like he might even cry with the realisation that he’s made such a foolish impression of himself. It takes Ma shushing him and making him take a sip of juice from his bedside to calm down, dabbing his face with a cloth when his juice spills from his mouth.

“Oh Logan Daniel Syverson...what did they do to ya?” she lightly scolds as she helps clean up the mess he’s unknowingly created around him. That’s your Sy, a hurricane of mess that somehow fits into order just how he likes it.

You giggle a little more at his shameful expression, before he refocuses, giving you his undivided attention once more.

“How is it that ya know my Ma and we’ve never met? Or have we? ‘Cause I think i’d remember a face like yours”

“Well...” you start, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear to let him see your entire face, hoping it would jog his memory. As you do so, the ring on your fourth finger glints in the hospital light, and for the first time since you've entered the room, he’s noticed.

“Oh...man...knew a girl like you would be snatched up already. Whoever has the honour of being yours is a very lucky man.” He smiles softly, a wistful look in his eye, while makes you realise that you can’t wait for the drugs to leave his system, you have to remind him who you are and who he is, right this very moment.

“Sy honey... we’re married. You’re my husband, and I’m your wife. I think the drugs are making you more than a bit loopy.”

It’s his turn for his jaw to drop, his eyes are unblinking as he takes in what you’ve just said. He turns sharply - more than his doctor would have probably liked - to his Ma, and then back to you, and then his Ma again, waiting for one of you to burst out laughing at the prank you surely must be playing on him.

“Wha-? A wife? I have a wife?” you nod and he exhales a deep breath of air in amazement.

“YOU’RE my wife? Really?” you nod again and Ma smiles at you as she watches the scene of Logan meeting you all over again.

“Am I still in the army? I’m a Captain ya know”

“You left just a few months ago. You still work in the local camps, of course. You like it there, and you’re home every night and most weekends.”

“Does Ma like you?” You don’t even get a chance to finish as he turns to his mother “Do you like her? is she nice? Does she like your new kitchen? I built it y’know.”

You knew when you met, dated, and married him, that Sy was a Momma’s boy. He loves his mother so much, that her opinion will always mean the world to him.

Ma nods “You two are the sweetest couple. She’s the best addition to the family, gives you a run for your money alright. She’s my new favourite.” You get a soft hug from her as she says this, with her wrapping her arm around your shoulders and pulling you close. She’s always felt so grateful that her Logan found you, because my goodness did he love you ferociously, and he needed you in his life. You were the making of him, and the whole Syverson clan will forever be grateful to you for it.

"And where did we get married? If we really are married.” He continues his line of questioning.

“At the ranch, on your family’s land. it was such a special day. We had the reception there too. And we went to Italy for our honeymoon.”

Sy is basking in every word you say, praying it to be true, as if he could will it into existence if it hadn’t already happened, wanting badly to remember sunset kisses and italian food and beach days all spent with you. He perks up at the last thing you say, taken by complete surprise.

“Honeymoon?! Oh my god have we...ya know..?” A blush fades over Sy’s face, and even though you love his Ma, you really wish she wasn’t finding out so many details about your personal life today, like how your son rails you on the regular in many ways, and in many places. He must somehow remember or at least accurately imagine your past endeavours, as he grins like a little shit.

You smack his arm, lightly but with a firm hand.

“Be quiet, or the whole ward will know about our sex life” you threaten. “Yes we’ve had sex. i’d hope so given that we have a kid on the way.”

If Ma had had to deal with her son getting horny over his “new”wife, she was being fully compensated for it as she witnessed him fall head over heels in love with you, all over again.

“A kid?...Tell me ya not messing with me...are we really- I-” he swallows and his tears come even easier than before “We’re havin’ a baby?” With the sudden realisation, he turns to his Ma. “This beautiful woman right here’s havin’ my kid, Ma?” He looks between the two of you again, watching as you both nod and beam from ear to ear.

“You know you cried just as much when i told you for the first time too. i promise when the drugs are out your system it’ll all make sense again.”

Sy smiles, clutching your hand in his warm palm, almost scared to let go as the door is knocked and he feels you might be taken away. Instead, it’s a welcome visitor.

“Hey doc,” Sy greets the man who reenters the room, now freshly out of scrubs to visit his patient - who if anything is now simply love sick, no hernia to be found. “This is my wife, and she’s having a baby.” he looks back to you with a quirk of his eyebrow “My baby?” You roll your eyes and he confirms it; “my baby.”

“Oh, congratulations...again.”

The doctor’s evaluation and explanations don’t take long, and while Sy is being informed, you start rubbing your belly as a form of self-comfort. You will need to remind your child that while their father looks incredibly stern and impossibly large, he is silly and goofy and already loves them with his entire being. Over the course of the afternoon, Sy talks with you while the anaesthetic wears off. It turns out they had given him a pretty high dosage based on his height and muscle mass, so he would be out of action for a couple of hours at least.

“Oh, i have your ring” you pipe up before he starts getting too sleepy again, taking the thick gold band off of the necklace around your neck, placing it on his finger carefully.

“That feels better already” he sighs, as he begins to doze in and out of consciousness. Before he closes his eyes once more to rest peacefully, a small tear slides down his cheek, which you of course, notice. Sy has cried maybe 5 times in the time you’ve known him and three of those times have been in this very room.

“Honey what’s wrong? Are you in pain? i can call the doctor-”

“No i’m fine i’m fine i just-” he sniffs and tries to clear his throat from the sad, heavy pain he feels in his chest. “I’m gonna be real sad when I wake up from this dream. What if I can’t find you when I wake up?”

Oh your sweet, silly man.

“Bear it’s not a dream, I’ll be right here when you get up properly and we can go home and cuddle and I’ll heat up your favourite meal. I’ll be right there with you.”

“And the baby?” he asks, eyes wide. almost nervous to ask.

“Well they have to come too, they're with me. We can look at their pictures again so you can get reacquainted. And Aika will be so happy you’re back. We’ve been gone the whole day.”

“Aika!” your husband perks up, “Oh Aika, man....I love that dog..”

“I know you do bear, you just get some rest for now and then we can go home.”

Before you know it, he’s fallen back to sleep, his mouth wide open as he slumps against his pillow, completely out of it.

It’s dark outside when Sy opens his eyes again, watching as his Ma passes you a small herbal tea in the dimly lit hospital room. Technically visiting hours are over, but no one was going to argue with the Captain’s family. You smile, and he feels like he can finally relax, in your presence

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes” he growls lowly, and you look up at him from your phone, beaming in surprise, glad that your husband had woken up feeling a bit more like himself.

“Oh hello again” you smile and squeeze his hand, his slow blinking already indicating a much clearer mind, and that he knows exactly who you are.

“Again? What’d I miss?”

“The drugs” he stops you mid-sentence for a sweet kiss, acting as though a minute more without your lips would be the source of his downfall. “Mmmh, the drugs made you so loopy, it was the sweetest thing, Sy.” You grin as he pulls you up beside him on the bed.

He raises his eyebrows, clearly with no recollection of any of the past events. Yet still, he smiles.

“Yeah? How’s baby?” he holds you close to his side, wrapping an arm around your waist so he can cover your tummy with his palm.

“They’re great. Glad to have daddy back and sane.”

You swear that as you say that, he starts tearing up again, this time however he doesn’t let them fall. He was openly weeping earlier, but you won’t tell him that. Not yet.

“Damnit. Must be something in these drugs they got me on.”

“Mm-hmm sure bear.”

You stay close that evening, both curled up on a hospital bed that is already quite a tight fit for your husband alone. But as always, he makes it work. You’re half on top of him, both of you fast asleep, when the nurses come to do their rounds. Ma had left just after he had woken up, sneaking off into the night to let the rest of the family know how her most middle son is keeping after the operation. You’d cuddled and doted on each other until you’d fallen asleep, Sy following not long after as he bid goodnight to you and your precious cargo with a soft kiss to your lips, and protective rub of your stomach.

He counts himself more than lucky to have something so good, that it would pain him to forget. He was living the life that he’d been too scared to ever dream of, and he couldn’t be more grateful.

taglist: @ohmygoodie @michelehansel @la-cey @palaiasaurus64 @sassy-pelican @brandycranby

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feedback / ask me a question here!!

#captain syverson x reader #captain syverson #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill #henry cavill characters #dad!syverson #dad!sy #cavillary #my writing #syverson x reader

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hermestalaria · 3 years

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Don’t need you.

genre; angst.

soulmate au; where soulmates can feel each others emotional pain. If the first physical contact with said soulmate is under negative or forced circumstances, it leaves a mark.

summary; Guzma and the reader are soulmates, but it doesn’t work out the way the reader thought it would. He pushes them away. The bad guys don’t get happy endings.

pairings; guzma x gn!reader

warnings; shitty dialogue, like two swears, doesn’t venture deeply into mental health but hints at the reader’s possible atelophobia.

atelophobia - fear of not being good enough. Imperfection.

A/N; I imagine the mark to be like smeared charcoal or something, I’m an artist so I have a ✨creative mind✨ kidding. But on a serious note, I don’t actually write often since I have this permanent writers block where I feel like whatever I write, it just is shit. Anyways, I have decided to actually post one of my writings for the first time. Shocker. I had the sudden idea to start writing this at 1am, DON’T BE TOO HARSH ON ME. This will probably be apart of a short angst oneshot series bc I’m an evil bitch and clearly like to cause myself and others emotional distress. - Lily <3

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“You can’t help me, kid. I’m far too gone.”

Far too gone to care.

You remember his voice, it seems like it’s the only thing that makes an appearance in your dreams. Dreams of something better. A better outcome, perhaps?

It was in your nightmares too. Nightmares.

Bad dreams weren’t something that you were used to experiencing, considering yourself to be one of the lucky ones because you never had to deal with them often. Luck.

What bullshit.

Now…now, you had bad dreams almost every night. You couldn’t sleep. Every time you closed your eyes, you could see his face, his bored expression as he stared at you like you mean nothing to him. As if you were someone beneath him. Someone not worthy of his time. Someone not worthy.

You hated that feeling.

Stupid.

“You didn’t even give me a chance.” your voice cracked at the end of the sentence slightly. as if you could literally feel your heart shatter into millions of little pieces.

“Just let me help, please. Just let me help you.”

Desperation. A need for approval.

The team skull leader raised his chin as he literally looked down at you, a thick eyebrow arched as his narrowed eyes scanned yours for any sign of dishonesty. A lie.

Why would you lie? He’s your soulmate. Your person. The person who you’re supposed to love and care about more than anything. More than anyone.

You were being genuine.

“Huh.” The Team Skull boss clicked his tongue. “You’re being genuine. People in Alola have too much to prove. Always looking for ways to prove themselves to anyone willing to pay attention. Everyone’s too caught up in bettering themselves that they begin to lose awareness of everyone else around them. It’s pathetic.”

“I’ve got nothing to lose…and I’m not from Alola, I’m from Kanto. Kanto region.” You tell him, your eyes glazing over with unshed tears of frustration at his harshness that was directed towards you. For a short moment, you could’ve sworn his face softened, but maybe it was just a fragment of your imagination. Imagining what you wanted to see. Not what was actually happening.

“I could tell.” His hands are shoved into his pockets, asserting boyish arrogance. He looked bored. “You reek of weakness.”

You could tell this attempted heart to heart was getting you nowhere. You weren’t always the best at confrontation. “You’re pushing me away. I understand why, really, I only want to help you I-“ you cut yourself off, searching his eyes for any warmth, anything at all.

Cold.

“You’re saying that you’d only want to help cause’ I’m your soulmate, they think you can get through to me like your little friends and Kukui always wanted. I’m good. I don’t need your help. You weren’t there for me before, I don’t need you now. I don’t need you.”

Harsh.

You visibly winced. The feeling of rejection prodding at your already shattered heart like a knife, panging in your chest. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” A sinister grin formed on his face, picking and playing at your weaknesses, he could do that you know. Stupid connection. He’s the only one who could.

“No. It isn’t.” You sounded exasperated now. Furrowing your eyebrows.

“You’re so mean.”

You could’ve sworn you heard an “I know” in response.

“I don’t want to see your face again.” His voice was cold, distant. But it sounded strained. Like he wasn’t 100% willing to let you go without even getting to know you. To know his soulmate. It was your turn to act cold. “Believe me when I say this pretty boy.” You laughed bitterly. A sour taste spreading throughout your tastebuds as you spoke such poison. Now that’s going to be a lot of damage. “The feeling is mutual.”

Lies.

He tilted his head to the left. Eyebrows raised at the nickname. You walked forward, bumping his shoulder harshly as you walked past him and Plumeria, even she looked worried. That was going to leave a nasty mark for sure, but you could deal with the setbacks later. The grunts worried eyes were fixated on your retreating figure as you walked away.

You stopped.

“Oh, and by the way…I don’t need you either.” You let out a humourless snicker. “I’m not going to try to fight for you anymore, for this…whatever this is, because you wouldn’t do the same for me. Clearly.” You were putting your guard up to hide the unwanted emotions that you were truly feeling at that moment. Heartbreak.

“See you around, soulmate.” The bitterness poured from your tongue like acid rain, as you waved your hand dismissively at the group, not even bothering to wait for their reactions to your confession. His reaction.

When you had gotten far enough, you squeezed your eyes shut. Finally allowing the tears to fall. Something in you was screaming at you to GO BACK and fix it.

Fix it.

You couldn’t fix it. Not this time.

Your shattered heart.

You could feel the tug, the pull…the strain in your chest the further you walked away, the stronger the tug felt. Strained.

He said he didn’t need you.

He didn’t need you.

He didn’t want you.

But you wanted him more than anything. You needed him. Pain.

All you felt was pain.

The pull in your chest tugged at your heartstrings to turn around. Run to him as fast as you could and hug him tightly. Run to him.

You didn’t.

Maybe you were more like each other than you both thought.

You were soulmates after all.

#Guzma #guzma x reader #team skull #pokemon #pokemon sun #pokemon moon #pokemon sumo #shitty soulmate au #plumeria supremacy #I’m gay for plumes #what the fuck am I doing #pokemon sun and moon

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thefanficmonster · 3 years

Text

Deep Breaths

Valkyrae x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Panic Attack, Mentions of past domestic abuse, Mentions of alcohol and drug abuse, Swearing

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst to Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having received a call from the correctional facility where their alcoholic/drug addict mother is being kept, Y/N gets some intense nightmarish flashbacks to a time that still haunts them despite a decade having passed. Luckily their girlfriend Rae is there to comfort therm.

Requested by Anon. Hi dear! Thank you so much for your lovely request, I hope I captured what you wanted to read! Sorry it has taken me so long to complete and post the fic, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Love, Vy ❤

“Hey Y/N, I-“ One step in the living room and that’s all it took for Rae to pick up on the melancholic mood in the room.

Her partner hasn’t even noticed she’s entered. Instead, they are sitting hunched over on the couch, elbows on knees, hand seeking their hands’ support to stay upright and their eyes hiding a thousand yard stare that’s got Rae worried sick.

“Babe, what’s wrong?“ She asks softly, inching closer to the couch to take a seat next to Y/N, “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?“

Through the fog surrounding their brain, they somehow manage to catch onto Rae’s words, forcing themself to give her at least a nod in response as to not scare her with their unresponsiveness. They can’t bring themselves to speak, it’s too hard on them to even think of what to say let alone spit it out, especially when their chest feels like it’s caught fire and their mind is still going haywire, heartbeat thumping in their ears as the adrenaline rush refuses to cease.

“Hey, look at me...“ Instead of sitting down, Rae ducks down in front of Y/N, taking their hands in hers, almost wincing at how cold they were. “Tell me what’s bothering you, baby.“

The girl is trying her best not to freak out or lose her cool, despite her already quickened heartbeat she can hear in her ears. She has every right to be reacting the way she is. Her permanently happy, bubbly, optimistic and cheerful partner who always seems to be as energized as though they’d just had a gallon of coffee is now a pale ghost sitting statue-still, staring off into the void with eyes that look empty yet terrified simultaneously.

Y/N’s mouth falls open as though they want to say something but the words die out somewhere along the way, refusing to leave their mouth and give them the relief of sharing their pain with the only person they trust limitlessly. “I-...“ They finally manage to find their voice though their gaze is still avoiding hers, “I got a call from the correctional facility where....” They trail off, a bitter taste forming in their mouth, making their stomach turn and bite the inside of their cheek as they feel the urge to throw up start to become unbearable. “She wants to s-see me...”

They don’t need to say anything else, Rae’s already connected the dots and her complexion has gone just as pale as theirs. She knows how sensitive and triggering this topic is for Y/N, how many bad memories are tied to this one person in their life. To make matters worse, they’re the one person who was supposed to take care of them yet she couldn’t even take care of herself - Y/N’s mother.

Rae distinctly remembers the night Y/N told her the truth about their family life - or the lack thereof - almost a year since the two had started dating. Rae never questioned their secretiveness and respected their privacy enough not to ask about it, patiently waiting for them to tell her on their own time and own terms. It was no secret even from the very start that Y/N had a very hard time connecting to people and trusting them. It took them maybe two or so months to be able to call their now-girlfriend a friend instead of an acquaintance. Rae didn’t question that too, didn’t push to pursue a friendship with them since, from her point of view, they were already her friend, so she patiently waited for them to come around and start trusting her enough to accept her within their tightknit circle of trusted people called ‘friends’.

Things progressed from purely platonic to sweetly romantic a little more quickly which pleasantly surprised Rae. The two were quick to grow to be inseparable though that didn’t mean Y/N gave up all their secrets. The darkest one, which happens to be this one regarding their mother, is the one they hid the longest and the last one they had to share with their girlfriend. The night they did tell it was a very emotional one: plenty of tears were shed by both Y/N and Rae but luckily they had each other’s embrace to seek comfort in and protect themselves from the ghosts and demons of a past Y/N spent so much time running away from.

An abusive parent is not a bit of baggage you can just get rid of. It’s something that weighs so heavy on you and is such a big part of who you are that you can feel it as a part of you. It haunts you no matter how much you try to run or hide. It’s not something you can shake off or forget. You might have physical and visible scars from the time spent with said parent or the trauma can be entirely psychological - regardless, it lives within you. Follows you around, raises questions you’re not sure you want answered, degrades you - making it seem like what happened was your fault in one way or another - it destroys you slowly very time something triggers a memory of that time, be it a simple conversation that has nothing to do with the subject or be it the glimpse you accidentally catch in the mirror of a scar on your body - a scar you remember being inflicted on you like it was yesterday.

That’s how Y/N’s been living. Feeling responsible, feeling unloved, feeling chained to their past. They’ve done all in their power to appear unbothered and let it be visible, not even when around Rae since they don’t want to worry her.

But seeing as their past has caught up to them now and they inevitably have to face it, they’re forced to let it show, they couldn’t hold it in even if they tried. Although they don’t wanna play the unbothered, unfazed part any longer. They have been strong on their own for far too long and it’s taken a toll on them. If they keep up with the act, they’ll be completely and utterly crushed.

Not that they’re feeling any better at the moment.

“Stay with me, Y/N. Stay with me. Keep your eyes on me, ok? Take deep breaths. Deep breaths, baby. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. It’s ok. You’re ok.“ Their short-circuiting brain has been spasming under the influence of the adrenaline, anxiety and panic brought on by the memories of every time they felt small and helpless while at the merciless hand of their alcoholic, drug addict abusive mother, begging to be spared the pain of being hit with whatever object the deranged woman could get her hands on - yet somehow, Rae’s voice still reaches them through all that messy dark fog. “Come on, Y/N, stay with me ok? Please don’t do this, I’m right here, there’s no need to be afraid,”

“I...“ they can barely hear their own voice over the racing of their heart, “I don’t...I don’t wanna go....“ is all they manage to say, a tear falling from their eye.

“It’s ok, we don’t have to go. We won’t go. Your mental health is the most important thing here, Y/N. We’re not going and that’s final.“ Rae replies vigorously, tightening her hold on Y/N’s hands.

Despite the state they’re in, Y/N can’t help but take notice of the use of the word ‘we’, Rae’s reminder that they are not alone, that she’s there for them and will not let them go into this alone. That brings a small smile to their face, calming their heart and panic ever so slightly, “N-no, I have to. It...it’ll help me.” They sigh before attempting to express themself again, “It’ll give me...closure, I guess.”

Seeing that Y/N’s doing a bit better, Rae’s hand move to cup their face instead, pushing the stray strands of hair away for their features to be full exposed to her, especially their eyes, “Are you sure you want that? Can you handle it? It’s not supposed to be your obligation, Y/N. I mean, the woman’s a monster and she hasn’t even thought to contact you in half a decade, and now she suddenly wants to get back in contact? She has the audacity to disturb you after all this time? You don’t have to agree to this, Y/N.”

Y/N shakes their head, “No, no, I want to. I want to agree to this. I want to live a normal life, Rae. I want to leave her and all she did to me behind. And I can’t do that if I keep running away. What happens when I stop to catch my breath? It still catches up to me like I made no progress whatsoever. That’s not a way to live, not the way I wanna live, at least.”

Rae nods slowly, fully understanding what Y/N is referring to. She maybe hasn’t said anything about it ever, but she’s always seen that little bit of darkness behind the happiness and excitement Y/N always displayed. Rae’s heart ached every time she caught glimpse of those little signs Y/N was putting on a performance while actually hurting on the inside.

And if a meeting with their mother was what would help them finally fully embrace a happy life, then who was she to stop them.

“Ok.“ The girl sighs, “Ok, we’ll go see her, but only if you’re 100% sure you’ll be able to handle it.“

They shake their head again, sighing with unease, “I can never be 100% sure, my emotions have a tendency of being unpredictable so I’ll just have to pray I don’t have a breakdown or a panic attack.”

Rae swipes her thumb over their cheekbone wiping the tear that just escaped their eye, “If you do, don’t worry, I’ll be right there. You know the drill: squeeze my hand, take deep breaths and most importantly, don’t forget I’m there for you. Ok?”

Y/N nods their head, the small smile reappearing on their face. They squeeze Rae’s hand and take a long inhale. “Hand squeeze, deep breaths, noted.” They say when their eyes meet hers, “Thank you so much, Rae. Thank you so much for putting up with me and all my shit and thank you so much for never giving up on me no matter how much work I am or how hard dealing with me and my demons becomes.”

Rae’s heart stings at Y/N’s words, tears brimming her eyes when she raises a bit on her knees to press her lips against Y/N’s forehead. “Don’t thank me, angel. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you and I never want to get gratitude for it. Love doesn’t ask for gratitude, and neither do I.”

Y/N lets out a small laugh to cover up an emotional sob that escapes their lungs. “I love you, Rae.” They say with a trembling voice.

“I love you too, Y/N.“

This time, the Y/N’s lips met the lips of their girlfriend, reminding themself that their safe haven isn’t a place, it’s a person - their girlfriend who means the world to them.

142 notes · View notes

hxt1b · 4 years

Text

Isn’t It Lovely All Alone

Masterlist

If would like to send a request please take a look at my Prompt List, I have a list of ideas that you could use if you’d like whilst sending in the request.

Yuta x Reader (Some Doyoung x Reader)

Genre: Angst, CollegeAU (HockeyPlayer!Yuta)

Warning: MATURE/DARK CONTENT. Mentions of drunk driving, death, swearing, cheating, (by NO means do I condone cheating, this is a story based around fictional events so please in the real world don’t do this.) Mental Health. SMUT. (Unprotected drunk sex, use a condom dudes seriously.)

WC: 9.9k

Accompanying Story: As Long as I’m Here

A/N: Please excuse the grammar, I read it over but still some things may have slipped through. The accompanying story is not something that you have to read, this can be read as a standalone. However, if you guys do want to read it, I’d recommend reading it first. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you guys enjoyed it! P.S. If you do read this without reading As Long as I’m Here, Taeyong’s girlfriend is unnamed due to her being the main character of the other short story. P.P.S. As I wrote this, I realized it was getting very long and I still had a lot to get through, so I decided to split it into two parts. So please be patient I will have the second part up soon, and I really hope you guys enjoy this part. PLEASE let me know what you guys think feedback is much appreciated!

Part One. Part Two.

Her breathing was laboured, her eyes closed shut as he moved his hips against hers, his cock throbbing as her walls clenched around him. His breathing mirrored hers. She was a sight to be seen underneath him, her hair fanned out on his pillow as she moaned his name.

“Baby,” He moaned as his thrusts became more erratic. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

“Look at me Yuta.” Her voice even, the pleasure gone from it, her moans faded, confused he opened his eyes and looked down at her. Her eyes were red, a huge cut on her forehead oozing blood into her eyes, more blood poured out her mouth onto his white sheets. He struggled to move out of her as she wrapped her cold arms around him and pulled him down to decaying skin,

“Look at what you did to me.”

Yuta sat up abruptly in his bed, quickly moving off of it as his breathing staggered, he moved his hand to his throat looking down at his bed only to see clean white sheets. His breathing only worsened as his brain reeled from the nightmare, it’s not your fault Taeyong’s voice said, but Yuta pushed it to the back of his head. You couldn’t have known that that was going to happen man. That was Johnny. He pushed both voices out of his head his hands shaking as his eyes blurred. He was going to puke, charging out his room he slammed into the shared bathroom door before hunching over the toilet and letting out the contents of his stomach.

That’s what they thought because Yuta didn’t have it in him to tell them the truth, he knew that the moment he told them the reassuring words would stop and they would see him for the monster that he was. They would see him as the guy that let the girl die.

“Hey, Yuta, are you okay?” It was Taeyong’s girlfriend. Her concern blatantly showing on her face, but he didn’t deserve her concern or her kindness. She would hate him the most if she knew the truth seeing as she was Ara’s best friend. The same Ara that was dead. His stomach turned again, and he puked again. His throat burning, his mind suffocating from the pain that he was feeling. I deserve it.

He couldn’t look at her, he didn’t want him to see her face, his face was wet from sweat and the tears that had flown down his face. Kicking the door closed towards her he didn’t say anything. The act was enough to let her know to leave him alone. He stayed on the floor pulling his knees up to his chest as he tried to calm down his breathing. Yuta ignored her as she knocked on the door again.

“Just go away.” He finally said to her, his voice rough. “You’re the last person I want to see right now.” He didn’t have anything against her, he just couldn’t stand being around her she served as a constant reminder, in the beginning, he’d lied to himself and believed the boys when they told him that it wasn’t his fault but the more time she was around the more time he spent with her the more Ara came back to his head, the more that night haunted him. Now she was always around, and he couldn’t stand it. He felt like he was drowning in his head, he needed to get out. He needed to go to a place where she was not, but for now, the bathroom was enough.

He listened as her footsteps retreated, minutes later heavier footsteps came towards the bathroom. Yuta moved to flush the toilet and stand up as Taeyong got to the door of the bathroom.

“Yuta?” His voice was soft like he was talking to a toddler, “You good man?” He asked. Turning on the faucet Yuta stared at his red and splotchy face, he quickly closed his eyes and looked down plunging his hands under the cold water. He couldn’t stand to see his face.

“Yeah man, I just drank too much last night.” Another lie flowing past his lips as he bent down to splash the water in his face. Before grabbing for his toothpaste.

“Do you need anything?” Taeyong’s voice was full of the same concern that his girlfriend had. Yuta’s head spun they wouldn’t be this concerned if they knew why he was in this state.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

He didn’t sleep after that afraid of what he’d see if he closed his eyes. Four hours later the sun rose allowing Yuta to make his way to the rink for practice. Last night’s game hadn’t gone well for them, it was their third loss of the season and their coach was pissed. Yuta smiled at the fact that today’s practice would be gruelling, it would help him numb his brain from the thoughts that invaded his mind. He wouldn’t be able to see past the tiring pain of the training their coach would outline for them.

He arrived at the rink just as Doyoung and Jaehyun did. The younger boys welcoming him as they walked into the arena.

“You didn’t come with the captain and Johnny today?” Jaehyun asked, Yuta shook his head.

“Nah the Captain was a little preoccupied with his girlfriend and Johnny wasn’t awake yet.”

Both the boys nodded, and they walked into the arena silently, Doyoung letting out yawn after yawn as they got to the locker room.

“Did you not get enough sleep?” Yuta asked him, and Jaehyun snickered.

“His girlfriend doesn’t let him sleep.” Yuta chuckled at the younger boy as well as he let out another yawn following which his face turned a deep shade of red.

Yuta got dressed in silence after that, as the younger two joked with each other. The practice would run two hours from five to seven leaving the boys that had an eight-thirty class just enough time to shower and head to their classes.

The scent of the fresh ice helped Yuta to keep his mind centred as he got into his gear focusing very hard on every task he had before heading out to the ice.

An hour into the practice Yuta’s head was spinning, he was slower than everyone else and though his brain felt calm on the rink his body wasn’t keeping up with him. He coughed harshly as he slammed into the side to grab his water from the bench.

“You’re slacking today Nakamoto.” His coach barked at him. He didn’t respond as he swished the water around his mouth, just chucked the bottle back at the bench before going back skating back to where everyone else was in standing in a line.

“You okay dude?” Johnny asked from his left.

“Yeah.”

“Apparently he’s just hungover,” Taeyong said from his right, Yuta could hear the sneer in Taeyong’s voice. Luckily the coach blew the whistle before Yuta could say anything and the line of Hockey players took off down the rink towards the first line before skating back to the start. Yuta kept up for the most part but his heart was pounding in his ears and he was feeling faint. The practice finished off with him skating off the rink behind everyone else.

“Dude, are you actually drinking on a Thursday night?” Johnny asked him as they walked over to their cubbies to rid themselves of their gear before taking a shower.

Yuta didn’t get a chance to reply before Taeyong scoffed from his side.

“He was puking his guts out at two in the morning.” Yuta rolled his eyes and kept his mouth shut.

“Where the fuck did you drink?” Johnny asked again, his voice low not wanted the others to hear him.

“My room.” Yuta lied.

“You’re drinking alone in your room?” His voice was full of judgement. Yuta shrugged and walked away from them heading towards the showers. It was easier to let them think he was just being an idiot that drank on weekdays then to let them know what was actually happening in his head.

---

You fucked up; you left your entire bag in Doyoung’s car. Pulling on your jacket over one of Doyoung’s hoodies you forced yourself to run to campus. You had a meeting at eight with your group mates and needed your bag for it, seeing as all your work was in it. It was already seven you only had an hour to get your stuff and get ready in your dorm. You’d told Doyoung to wake you up and take to campus with him when he’d be going to practice, but you’d only been asleep for three hours before he was up again shaking you, and you just didn’t have it in yourself to get up. Now here you were suffering in the cold November air as you jogged your way to the arena. Lucky for you it wasn’t too far but it was still torturous. One, you didn’t run or partake in any physical activity at that, and two, it was cold as shit you could feel your nose start to run. Huffing out clouds of air you made it to the arena, slamming through the front doors and into the warmth of the heated entrance, you put your hands on your knees and took in large breaths to normalize your breathing. You needed his keys, checking the time on your phone you realized he was probably in the shower he had an eight-thirty as well, but you couldn’t wait for him to come out you needed your bag now so that you could get into your dorm and get ready and be at your meeting.

Taking in a large breath you charged towards the direction of the men’s locker room. Bracing yourself before you became too embarrassed to do what you were about to you slammed your hand into the door as stumbled your way in. Looking around you came to face boys in different degrees of dress in their practice gear.

“Y/N?” Jaehyun squeaked looking at you naked from the top half.

“Where is Doyoung?” You asked as the boy rounded the corner.

“Babe what are you doing here?” he asked crowding into your space towards the door.

“I need your keys I need to grab my bag.” He nodded his head not asking any questions. He quickly made his way to his cubby and back to you shoving the keys into your palm.

“Keep them with you I’ll see you after my first class.” He pressed a kiss to your lips before pushing you out the door. You didn’t have time to react to what he said or what he did you just booked it to his car.

---

Yuta was stuck in his spot staring at the door Doyoung had just pushed you through, he was shocked, that was Doyoung’s girlfriend. Yuta shook his head, he didn’t mean anything rude by it, actually, he didn’t know what he meant by it he just knew that he was amused by what had just happened.

He saw you again at lunch, you were in a black turtleneck that clung to your skin and was tucked into a pair of ripped jeans, you had subtle makeup on your face and your hair was curled. You looked amazing. Yuta was stuck staring until Johnny slammed his bottle onto the table dramatically turning everyone’s attention towards him as he slammed his ass into the chair next to Yuta’s.

“I fucking hate History man, why the fuck do I need to know what some old fuck did in 1718.” He grumbled.

Taeyong laughed at him, “Told you not to take History as your elective.”

“I thought it would be easy.” The table laughed.

“You thought remembering an insane amount of dates and the names of dead guys was going to be easy?” You asked from across the table as you stole food from Doyoung’s tray. Yuta’s eyes followed your hand as you put the French Fry into your mouth, your white teeth biting down on it. Yuta held his breath as you chewed. Doyoung chuckled at you as you took more fries from his plate. Yuta watched from his side of the table.

“Dude you’re staring,” Jungwoo said shoving his elbow into Yuta’s side. Yuta roughly swallowed before turning his gaze to Jungwoo. He was staring he realized. His hands flew to his water quickly opening the cap before chugging half of it. Why was he staring at you? He had no clue who you were, today was the first time he’d seen you ever and he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off you.

“Who is she?” Yuta asked Jungwoo.

“Y/N. Doyoung’s girlfriend.” Jungwoo answered through a mouthful of food. Yuta scowled at the first year as food flew out of his mouth.

“How long have then been dating, how come I haven’t seen her before?” Yuta asked.

“They’ve been dating for about six months, she transferred here this semester.” Yuta nodded, it made sense why he’d never seen you before, the semester had only started three weeks ago and lately, he was so in his head that he missed everything.

“So, you guys still throwing that party at your house today?” Johnny asked Jaehyun, the latter nodded his head shoving food into his mouth.

Doyoung answered for him, “Yeah we are, come help set up please?” Yuta took the opportunity to watch you as you tapped away at your phone.

“Sure, Yuta and I will come by at seven.” Yuta snapped his head to Johnny who was avoiding looking at him.

“Yeah, we’ll be there.” He said, going along with what Johnny had said.

Johnny dragged him out of his room at six-thirty throwing the keys at him as they got to his car.

“Your gonna DD today my dude.” Yuta stared at the keys in his hand then up at Johnny’s car.

“With your baby?” He asked shocked. Johnny didn’t let anyone else touch his car.

Johnny sighed but nodded.

“Yes, I trust you.” Excited Yuta rounded the car and got into the driver’s seat of the black Mustang, it could seat five uncomfortably and only had two doors and was ass to dd in but damn if Yuta passed up the offer to drive the magnificent beast that was Johnny’s car. Shifting the gear as Johnny fastened his seat belt Yuta ripped out of the drive, the engine letting out a roar as he bolted down the street towards the younger boy's rented house.

Yuta knew why Johnny was letting him dd with his car. He didn’t want him to drink, turning left down the boy’s street Yuta laughed letting his foot push the accelerator as he went faster, but the thing was Yuta hadn’t drank for months now. Not since that night. Typically, he just grabbed a beer and lugged it around not taking a sip everyone around him was usually drunk enough to even notice that he wasn’t.

Pulling into the driveway he placed the car in park, “That was fucking awesome.” He smiled over at Johnny who laughed back at him.

“Have fun, today buddy, just don’t get pulled over,” Johnny replied as he got out of the car. Yuta sat in the car for a second longer talking in the smell of the mustang before he got out himself and followed Johnny into the house.

Johnny didn’t knock he just barged in, so Yuta followed him. Yuta regretted it the moment he saw the scene in the living room, his eyes landing on your bare back as Doyoung trailed his hand up to your head. Doyoung kissing the life out of you on the living room couch.

“Holy, you guys don’t have a room?” Johnny asked a loud laugh following his words. Doyoung abruptly pulled away from you as you dug your head into his neck. Doyoung scrambled to grab the blanket beside him to cover you. Yuta turned his eyes away, the laughter not coming to him. He forced a smile to his face and kept his face turned away from Doyoung and you.

“You guys are early,” Doyoung stated pulling you into him. Johnny only laughed in turn.

“We’ll wait in the kitchen then.”

Yuta followed behind Johnny to the kitchen his head muddled. He was confused and irritated, why was he so affected by you hell he literally saw you for the first time this morning and he knew you were Doyoung’s girlfriend so why was he pissed. He hadn’t even spoken to you himself.

He felt crazy, crazier than usual. He didn’t need this as well, not on top of his daily dose of unstable. He didn’t need to be pining after his teammate’s girlfriend. Shaking his head Yuta ignored the fact that you were on the other side of the wall with no top on.

He didn’t even look at you when you rounded into the kitchen fully clothed in Doyoung’s hoodie again. He didn’t look at you as everyone started setting up the party. Didn’t even glance at your face when you handed him a knife to cut open a huge box of beer. He didn’t look at you when you said bye so you could head to the dorm to change, but he had to look at you when you bound back in through a front door and took off your winter coat to reveal a black dress that fell to your midthigh it was a turtleneck dress; simple but it looked amazing on you. You wore a lot of turtlenecks Yuta noticed; a sneer adorned his face once he realized why.

He didn’t comment just turned away from you as Doyoung slammed through the front door carrying a huge bag of ice.

“Let’s get this shit started!” Jaehyun said as he bound down the stairs a huge smile on his face. He flashed Johnny a joint before moving towards the back door. Johnny followed out after him. Yuta’s phone went off in his pocket, he let out a large sigh as he read the text on his screen.

Taeyong: Could you pick us up from our house?

Sighing again as he typed back a ‘yup’ he dragged his face towards the front door.

“Hey, where are you going?” His hand froze at the front door, your voice floating towards him. Slowly he turned back to face you, you were looking at him with your head tilted to the side. You’d put on a darker shade of lipstick and had rimmed our eyes with black winged eyeliner. All of it was making Yuta feel some type of way as he looked at you.

He cleared his throat and pointed towards the driveway.

“Got to pick up my roommate and his girlfriend, I’ll be back.” You smiled at him and nodded.

“Okay see you later then.” Your smile was stuck in his head as he took the mustang back towards his house. His mind was reeling with you, and he was beyond confused. He pulled into the driveway and parked pulling out his phone and texting Taeyong to come out.

As he waited, he realized that he was losing his shit. He hadn’t hooked up with a girl since the summer, not since her. He hadn’t even looked at a girl with remote interest since then actually, so he was beyond confused by his reaction to you. He couldn’t wrap his head around what was happening inside him, he just felt unhinged. Why were you in his head?

Taeyong and came out of the house holding his girlfriend’s hand tightly, Yuta frowned your face leaving his mind quickly. He didn’t say anything as Taeyong pulled up the door and moved the seat forward getting into the back himself. Yuta didn’t look at the girl that slipped into the passenger seat, he just nodded at her when she greeted him.

His hands clenched the steering wheel tightly as he made his way back to the other house. His eyes were glued to the road. The car was filled with suffocating air, maybe he was the only one who felt it. He didn’t want to look at the others faces to see if they felt it too.

Pulling up to the house he quickly put the car in park and ran into the house, letting the two of them get out at their own pace. He could lock the car from inside. The boys in the house were getting loud as Johnny and Jaehyun came back inside with clouded eyes. Drinks were started to move around as games began to be played and more people filed into the house. Loud music poured from every corner of the house as Johnny began to play his party playlist. Yuta sighed, as realization dawned on him today, he couldn’t leave whenever he pleased. He was stuck here in this house until every last one of the people were out.

Yuta moved around the house before the air became too stuffy for him and he decided that sitting outside on the porch would be the best bet. He only sat for a couple of minutes before you barrelled out the house, your face red and angry and you were drunk he could tell from the way you stumbled down the stairs, Yuta moved to get up and help you down but before he could even get up from his chosen spot on the railing Doyoung came flying out the door. His face was just as red and angry, just as drunk.

“You’re gonna walk away from me?” He asked. You threw your hand up in the air waving him off as another drunk boy came out of the house behind the two of you. Nobody noticing Yuta as he sat and watched.

“I’m done with this conversation Doyoung, I’m going to my dorm find me when you're done being a prick.” You were staggering down the driveway. The other boy less drunk than you two but still evidently struggling to walk properly pushed past Doyoung and followed you.

“I’ll drive you back.” He exclaimed. You paused in your spot and turned around looking at him.

“Didn’t you drink?” yes, he did. Yuta was standing up straight as he waited for the boy to answer.

“No.” He lied. Yuta clenched his teeth and went to stand next to Doyoung.

“I’ll drive her home.” He told Doyoung. Doyoung only rolled his eyes and shrugged at Yuta.

“Let her do whatever she wants. I don’t care.”

Yuta sighed and made his way to you quickly. He grabbed your wrist as you made your way towards a red Camry.

“You’re not going with him.” You whipped around and faced him. The anger back on your face and it didn’t soften when you looked at him.

“And you are?” You asked your head tilting to the side. Yuta laughed and pulled you towards him.

“Go back in the party dude you’re not driving anywhere today. Give me your keys.” The boy scowled at Yuta. Yuta raised his eyebrow at him feeling like he was talking to a toddler. “Your drunk kid, give me your keys.” He held out his hand to the boy, the boy stumbled back slightly grumbling but gave the key over to Yuta before stomping back into the house.

You stared after the boy as he disappeared back into the house.

“He’s drunk? Men are scum.” You grumbled and turned away pulling your wrist out of Yuta’s hand.

“I’ll drive you home,” Yuta repeated motioning to the car. You just nodded and made your way to the car pulling the door open as Yuta unlocked the door.

“So, dorms, right?” Yuta asked once he was on the road. You nodded again staring at the stereo system.

“You know Doyoung right?” You asked, Yuta laughed at how drunk you were.

“Yes, I do, we play hockey together.”

“Well, he’s stupid. Did you know that?” Yuta wasn’t able to reply before you started talking again. “He told me that I’m so forward. Like wanting to kiss him is a crime. He was so embarrassed by earlier today. Tried to kiss his cheek in the kitchen and he told me to calm down.” You hiccup once, finally taking a breath. Your face was red from the annoyance and anger you felt towards your boyfriend.

“Would you let your girlfriend kiss you in public?” You asked turning your head to Yuta.

Yuta’s hands tightened around the steering wheel.

“Probably.”

“So, my boyfriend is just a prude.” Yuta laughed. You leaned forward in your seat and turned the music louder, then turned to stare out the window.

You were drunk, he told himself. You’d be over this fight with Doyoung by tomorrow.

Yuta didn’t see you again until Monday when all the boys had piled into his house to watch movies. Yuta hadn’t slept again the previous night and he was hanging on by a thread, he decided to forgo the movies and tried to sleep.

---

Loud pained grunts flowed out of his room. You didn’t know why your feet had taken you to this door. You didn’t even know whose door it was you’d just come upstairs to go to the bathroom. You flinched when a loud thud came from the other side of the door followed by a curse. Not knowing what came over you, just the words open the door repeating in your head you slightly pushed the door open.

Yuta was on the ground by his nightstand hunched over a broken lamp. He was bleeding, his eyes frantic and his breathing erratic.

“Yuta.” You said softly, but he didn’t hear you.

“I didn’t know.” He muttered quietly; you didn’t know what he was talking about. Slowly you took a step into the room moving closer to him. “I didn’t know.” He repeated as he roughly ripped out the broken piece of glass from his hand making more blood gush out.

“Oh my god, don’t do that!” You were on the floor beside him in a second taking his hurt hand into yours. He was shocked when you grabbed him. His eyes widening, his breathing became worse as he pulled his hand away from you. He wiped the blood onto his black sweats while he took in loud pained breaths.

“I -I can’t breathe.” His face was flushed and sweaty. He was looking everywhere but at you.

“O-okay okay, breathe with me.” You said, breathing in slowly and out slowly. After doing that a couple of times Yuta began to mirror your breathing, his eyes finally latching onto yours. You realized how tired he looked. Like he hadn’t slept properly in days. You helped him until he calmed down until his breathing was normal.

“Y/N, Doyoung is looking for you. Plus, I need the bathroom.” Taeyong’s voice carried into the room from the hallway. Followed by a knock on the bathroom door. You looked up at Yuta his eyes glazed over again as he stared at the wall.

“Yuta.” You said his name softly, “Look at me. We need to clean your hand.”

“I got blood on you.” He said. His eyes glassing over with unshed tears.

“It’s okay. Come on let me help you.”

“Y/N?” Taeyong called for you again.

“In here.” You replied loud enough for him to hear you. Seconds later Taeyong was in the room.

“Fuck what happened?” He asked coming to your side quickly.

“I found him like this.” You replied to him quietly.

“I got blood on her,” Yuta said again.

“Yuta?” Taeyong said putting his hand onto his shoulder moving past you so that he was directly in front of Yuta. “It's okay man, it's okay.”

Yuta’s head slowly moved towards Taeyong’s and he nodded.

For the rest of the week, you couldn’t get him out of your head. You didn’t see him at the table you all ate lunch at, or anywhere on campus. You asked Taeyong if he was okay, he’d only told you not to worry about him before moving past you and going to his class. But you couldn’t get his eyes out of your head, the tormented look on his face had your brain in a frenzy.

You hadn’t told Doyoung about what you had seen, deeming it not your business to spread, but as you got into your bed sliding in next to Doyoung you couldn’t help but ask.

“Have you seen Yuta lately?”

“Yuta? Yeah, why?”

“I just haven’t seen him for a while I was just wondering.”

---

That Friday you were laying on Doyoung’s couch in a pair of tight jeans and a crop top, ready to drink and have fun at the small ‘gathering’ as the boy were calling it. You tapped away at your phone, your mind drifting off to Yuta again. You’d tried very hard to listen to Taeyong especially after Doyoung told you that Yuta was around just not around you. You understood that maybe he was embarrassed but for some reason, it bothered you. Especially since there was nothing to be embarrassed about if he was embarrassed.

The door opened loudly snapping you away from your phone Johnny strolled in laughing with Jaehyun. Yuta trailed after them, your eyes narrowed in on his lowered head as he dragged his feet into the living room. When he looked up his eyes caught yours his skin wasn’t as pale as the last time you saw him, but the dark circles, the tired expression it was all still there.

You sat up on the couch smiling at Jaehyun and Johnny as they passed you and went into the kitchen. Yuta remained having moved towards the wall he leaned his shoulder onto it, his hands shoved into his pockets.

“Thank you for that day.” He said, his gaze had moved to the floor letting his hair fall over his eyes as he spoke to you.

“You don’t need to thank me.” You got up and only hesitated for a second before walking over to him. “Are you feeling better today?”

He only shrugged in response.

“Were you avoiding me this week?” Your voice was soft as you asked the question. He turned his head away from you.

“Wouldn’t you?” he asked, “We barely know each other, and you saw me like that.”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’m sure you would’ve done the same with me. Heck, you kind of did when you drove me home after last week’s party.” Yuta still wasn’t looking at you and you really wanted him to. You held your breath as he pushed off the wall and walked towards you.

“Yeah, well don’t worry about it anymore.” He walked past you and into the kitchen, you watched his back as he rounded the corner.

For some reason you felt dejected, you couldn’t explain why but that was not what you wanted to hear from him. Somehow Yuta was under your skin and you couldn't help but want to be around him. He looked so broken when you saw him on the floor, you couldn’t just not worry. You couldn’t not think about him.

“Hey babe,” Doyoung said wrapping his arm around you before nuzzling his head into your neck. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing. Just zoned out.” You said turning your face towards the boy. Your mind was in the kitchen though, following Yuta as he stood silently with the others listening to their laughter.

As the night went on more people showed up, but it was small only close friends of the team, girlfriends, and obviously the team itself. You found yourself watching Yuta throughout the night. Your eyes constantly finding him, he was withdrawn from the group he’d laugh when appropriate, but you could tell he didn’t know why he was laughing.

After a couple of hours, you watched him walk out the front door, you watched from inside as he sat on the porch alone staring out at the night sky. Looking around you, you got up. Doyoung was emersed in a game of beer pong with Jaehyun, Jungwoo and Kun.

You pushed the front door open yourself and stepped out onto the porch. Yuta was sitting on the railing; you knew he saw you come out his head had tilted towards you but he’d quickly looked away.

“The night sky is pretty.” You said coming up to lean onto the railing next to his. He didn’t reply, your gaze fell from the sky to his face. He was clenching his jaw; from your spot, you could see it flex as he ignored you. “You can’t just ignore me.”

“Can’t I?” Yuta asked in turn, his words cold. “I don’t need your pity.” You froze at his words. You didn’t pity him, you were concerned. You didn’t feel bad that he was going through something, everyone did at some point. You just wanted to, for some reason, be there for him.

“I don’t pity you.” You replied. Yuta jumped off the railing and in a second had you caged in between his arms as he leaned into you. Your back pressed against the wooden fence.

“Don’t you?” He asked his breath fanning your face, “I see the way you look at me. I’m not something to be fixed.” You harshly swallowed, you’d never been this close to Yuta. Heck, this was your second real conversation with him, if it could even be called that.

His eyes darkened as you leaned away from him.

“Leave it alone, Y/N.” He pushed off the railing and began to walk away from you, but like it had a mind of its own your hand reached out and grabbed the back of his shirt.

“I don’t want to fix you. I just want to…” You trailed off. Be there for you. But it felt weird to say because why did you want that, you two barely even knew each other. Yuta looked at you angling his body towards you again. His eyes softened as he saw the expression on your face, your face was open, your eyes telling him the words you couldn’t say.

“Let’s go inside.”

You followed him into the warm house, Ten and Kun were yelling at each other as they played a game on the PlayStation, you followed Yuta past them and into the kitchen where he grabbed a bottle of water.

“You’re not drinking?” You asked. He shook his head in reply.

“Nope, not today.”

“You didn’t last week either.” He just shrugged and took the cap off the bottle before chugging it.

You watched his adam's apple as he swallowed, his throat becoming more exposed as he tilted his head back and drank the water.

“Don’t look at me like that,” He said turning his face away from you. You snapped out of your daze and narrowed your eyes at the side of his head. “You have a boyfriend.” You furrowed your eyebrows as he looked at you. His own eyes dark, you opened your mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

You didn’t see him the next day and your brain tumbled into a spiral of questions, the biggest one; was he avoiding you again? The entire day he was on your brain and you didn’t know what to make of it, he confused you the way he made you feel. You made your way up the steps to Doyoung’s house, your boyfriend following behind you.

“Y/N are you okay? What are you thinking about?” He asked stopping you before you went into the house. “You’ve been off all day.”

You looked up at his concerned face and you didn’t know what to say. Your brain was riddled with Yuta, taking in Doyoung’s face a sense of guilt punched you in the chest. You couldn’t understand what was happening but as you stood on the porch in front of your boyfriend the only person you could think of was Yuta. You shook your head softly muttering nothing as you turned away from him and opened the door walking into his house.

You stopped in your steps; Yuta was sitting on the couch laughing with Jaehyun. Both the boys turned to you as you stared at Yuta.

“Hey,” He said, you nodded back to him and waved to Jaehyun before going to the kitchen. For some reason, your heart was beating in your chest erratically. Doyoung followed behind you as you pulled open the fridge and grabbed a water bottle.

“Y/N.” His voice was soft. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

You only nodded, you couldn’t talk to him about this, you didn’t understand this yourself.

“I’m going to take a nap in your room is that okay?” you asked. He nodded and you left the kitchen and quickly passed through the living room not looking at the boys on the couch and bound up the stairs to your boyfriend’s room.

The room was dark when you threw open his door, and you left it that way as you moved towards his bed to lay down. The room smelled of him, you were surrounded by the scent that you use to crave when you needed comfort, but today it wasn’t comforting you. Your brain kept on flashing to the way Yuta had looked at you in the kitchen yesterday, the way his eyes were filled with an emotion you couldn’t handle. And emotion directed at you. Doyoung didn’t even look at you like that. Guilt radiated through your body; it wasn’t like you cheated on him so why did you feel like you did?

A small knock pulled you from your thoughts.

“Yeah?” You answered, assuming it was Doyoung. The door slowly opened, and Yuta moved into the room. You abruptly sat up, moving back on the bed for some reason trying to create a distance between the two of you. He closed the door behind him and didn’t notice your abrupt reaction.

“Are you okay?” He asked. You fiddled your fingers as he moved closer to the bed, his presence taking up the room, you swallowed as he sat down. Your body going into overdrive as he looked at you. This is insane, your brain screamed as your heart pounded in your chest.

“I met you only a couple of weeks ago.” You said, Yuta’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at you, confusion clouding his eyes.

“Yeah, I kn-”

“And I’m dating Doyoung.” You clenched the sheets at your side, your hands fisting into them as you looked away from Yuta.

“Yeah, you ar-”

“I also don’t know anything about you.” Your blood was rushing in your head as your thoughts scattered, he was so close to you, he was at the foot of the bed, but you felt like he was too close to you. “Why do I want to kiss you this bad.”

---

Yuta froze, that was the last thing he expected you to say. He came after you because you looked awful, upset, and he felt like he owed it to you to check on you because yesterday you showed that you cared enough to check on him. He thought you were moving towards a form of friendship, he was hesitant at first but accepted it, he even reasoned out that whatever small puppy crush he had on you would dissipate if he could treat you as a friend.

Your words were echoing around his head, and his hand itched to pull you to him, but he couldn’t. He got up from the bed and didn’t reply to you. He couldn’t, if he opened his mouth he would say the wrong thing. He couldn’t do that to Doyoung, he couldn’t do that to you.

You looked so small on the bed, your knees were pulled up to your chest, and your eyes closed. Yuta’s breathing shallowed as Ara’s face flashed into his head, the bloody body that he never actually saw but somehow haunted his mind switched places with you as he backed up towards the door.

He couldn’t do this. Quickly turning he stormed out the room, down the stairs and out the front door. He ignored the calling of his friends as he got into his car and drove home. His hands were trembling on the steering wheel as he drove the short distance back to his house. He felt like he was going to puke, his heart was beating loudly against his ribs his head was spinning.

Too many emotions coursed through him as he pulled the car onto his driveway threw it into park, clambering out of his car he ran towards his house door. Wiping the sweat that was gathering onto his palms he opened the front door and came face to face with Taeyong’s girlfriend.

“Yuta?” She asked her eyes showing him that concern that he didn’t want again. Is head only spun more from seeing her, Ara flashed in his head again, a smiling girl standing next to the woman in front of him, Ara laughing with her best friend. He felt like he couldn’t breathe again, his back hitting the wall next to his front door. She called his name again but he barely heard her and his hand flew to his throat.

“I can’t,” He muttered letting himself fall to the ground, she followed him.

“Breathe with me.” She said, Yuta shook his head, his mind unhinging as he pushed her hands away from him.

“Stop. I killed her okay!” He was frantic as he pushed her away from him, “I don’t need your concern or your pity. I killed your best friend.” She was looking at him with wide eyes, she shook her head softly.

“No you didn’t Yuta, that wasn’t any of our faults. That wasn’t your fault.” Her tone was soft, and he could tell that she wanted to move closer to him again as her hand heisted in the air. Yuta only chuckled as he pressed his back into the wall. His breathing still not in his control

He was losing it. He needed her to understand. He needed her to go away from him.

“You don’t know anything. I fucked her over, I killed.”

“Yuta yo-”

“I knew she liked me. Do you think I didn’t know how much she liked me? I took advantage of it, I was good at doing that with other girls too. I fucked her, left her in my bed and went to make out with another chick. She found me like that, rightfully got mad and asked me to take her home, but I was drunk. So, I asked a friend of mine, he drove her and they both died. He told me he wasn’t drunk, but I should’ve known. I should’ve known!”

Her face wasn’t shocked at the words that poured out of Yuta’s mouth, she was still looking at him softly.

“You made bad decisions Yuta, but you didn’t kill her.”

He shook his head, only realizing now that his cheeks were wet from tears, he didn’t realize he'd shed.

“Why aren’t you mad? You should hate me.” She only sighed and carefully moved closer to him.

“She was grown, she could’ve also checked if he was drunk. He could’ve said that he couldn’t drive because he was drunk. You didn’t kill her.” She was kneeling in front of him, her hands hesitated but he didn’t push away so she pulled him by his shoulder into her. She held him tightly until his breathing calmed down.

---

He was ignoring you again, you understood why this time. You were embarrassed, the last words you said to him rattling around your brain as you sat across from Doyoung in the library. You couldn’t look at him, you’d been ignoring him for the past week as well. Feeding him lies and excuses about how busy you were. In reality, you’d buried yourself under your covers and sulked. Your brain was a mess.

You couldn’t ignore him anymore though, so here you were sitting across from him at a small table not meeting his eyes as you tried to work on neglected schoolwork.

“Babe, are you coming over today? The boys are coming over again and we’re just gonna drink and hang out,” Doyoung asked putting his pen down and stretching as he asked.

You said yes without thinking, your brain not having heard what he asked. When your brain processed you panicked, Yuta would be there.

----

You were drunk out of your mind by the time Yuta and the others came to the house. Jaehyun was next to you cursing as he played Mario Kart, giggles leaving you as you watched. You were sticking to Jaehyun and Ten today, that way you didn’t need to worry about being alone with Doyoung or wandering off to Yuta. You were worried about what you would do if left to yourself, which made you feel like shit because Doyoung didn’t deserve that.

So here you were drunk out of your mind, sitting next to your boyfriend’s teammates giggling mindlessly feeling like shit because you wanted to kiss a man that wasn’t your boyfriend, oh yeah and he ran away from you when you told him that.

You laughed out loud.

You managed to succeed with your ignoring them plan for most of the night until you had to go to the bathroom. Stumbling your way up the stairs you gripped the railing digging your fingers into the grooves to help your balance.

You made it up the stairs without falling and took a break at the top your drunk body exhausted from the trip.

“You're really drunk today.” Your head snapped to Yuta, he was leaning on the wall in front of you. You quickly looked away from him, your heart already doing fuck shit in your chest from being near him.

“Don’t judge me, you sober saint.” You retorted.

“I’m not sober, I was convinced into doing some shots.” Your eyes wandered back to his face, you cursed when you saw his smirk, his eyes laughing at you.

You didn’t reply just straightened out and made to walk by him, but you stopped in front of him a random bought of anger slamming into you, who did he think he was? Why was he toying with you? Why did he make you feel this way? Why did you still want to kiss him?

“Don’t laugh at me!” You snapped at him, his eyes widened when you looked at him. “You ran away from me.”

“You have a boyfriend.” He replied. Before you could think anything, your hands were on his shirt pulling him into you, your lips slamming into him. He only hesitated for a second before his hands were gripping at you, turning you both around and pushing you into the wall. Your drunk mind was swimming, you knew this was wrong, but you couldn’t stop, your hands moved into his hair as he deepened the kiss, his tongue brushing against your lower lip you moaned softly and opened your mouth letting his tongue into your mouth, another moan leaving you as his tongue brushed against yours.

“Wait fuck,” He abruptly pulled away from you. You looked up at him, eyes wide as you realized what you had just done. Yet you didn’t move away from him, he wasn’t looking at you, his eyes were pressed shut.

“The last girl I hooked up with died. I’m fucked up in so many ways that I can’t count. I’m trying to the right thing here but fuck it’s so hard.” His hand on your shoulder tightened. He opened his eyes and looked down at you, his breath fanning your face, you stared at his swollen lips. Somewhere in your mind, you thought about how wrong what you were about to do was, but in the moment your brain couldn’t think properly.

You didn’t reply to what he just said, and you didn’t move away from him you stood in his grasp until he lowered his mouth to yours again.

“I’m not a good person.” He said quietly just before he pressed his lips against yours again. You stumbled as he pulled you with him, not taking his lips off of yours. Your hands fisted into the front of his shirt holding onto him tightly as he led you into a room. You only stumbled slightly as he pulled you onto the bed. Your lips leaving his as he let you fall.

You stared up at him your breathing shallow as you mirrored his. His eyes were dark and filled with lust mirroring your own. You bit your lip as you waited for him, he closed his eyes taking in large breaths. You watched. When he opened them again any conflict in them was gone, you were beyond rational thought.

Taking his shirt off he tossed it to the side before climbing onto the bed and hovering over you. His lips returned to yours in a fast kiss, one that stole your breath away again. From there everything moved fast, everything was done in a hot haze as your shirt joined his on the ground then your pants and underwear followed by the rest of his clothes his mouth leaving yours and kissing down your body. You were so wound up that you couldn’t take the teasing, fisting his hair you pulled him back up to your face.

“Please, now.” You breathed before kissing him roughly. You were a moaning mess underneath him as he thrust into you, your walls clenching around him. He grunted as he moved, his hands gripping your hips, his fingers digging into your skin. Your hands were on his arms tightly holding on as he fucked into you. Taking one hand from your hip he rubbed fast circles on your clit as you came close to your climax.

You came, his name flowing out of your mouth before he slammed his lips back onto yours keeping you from saying anything else, keeping you quiet. His hips continued to thrust into you, his lips never left yours, until he finished himself.

---

You couldn’t look at Doyoung, you couldn’t speak to Doyoung, your heart would break every time he texted you. You were awful and you knew it yourself he didn’t deserve what you had done, but as guilty as you felt for knowing how much it would hurt Doyoung your mind couldn’t accept the fact that it was wrong. It was wrong, but the way it made you feel couldn’t be wrong. Your head was hurting from all the arguments you had in your mind.

You were locked in your dorm, you had been for the past three days. Doyoung was calling and texting you non-stop, but you couldn’t reply. You heard nothing from Yuta, and you couldn’t help but let that fact hurt you. Your phone rang again, you knew who it was before you even looked at the screen. Sighing you grabbed it, you had to answer.

“Hey,” His voice was cautious.

“Hello.” You replied, your hands fisting into your blanket.

“Are you okay? Why aren’t you answering me.” He didn’t sound angry, he sounded concerned. Your eyes filled with tears, you knew you didn’t deserve that, you deserved to be yelled at for ignoring him at the least. You couldn’t reply you knew that if you opened your mouth, you’d tell him what you did, but didn’t he deserve to know.

“Y/-”

“I cheated on you.” And you hung up.

You were a coward you couldn’t listen to whatever he had to say after that, you couldn’t take the yelling that you deserved, you didn’t even deserve to cry. Wiping angrily at the tears that streamed down your face you broke down, sobbing into your pillow. You felt like shit for what you did to him, you felt like shit because Yuta was ignoring you as much as you were ignoring him.

You didn’t understand Yuta, the last thing he said before you slept with him. Telling you about his last hook-up didn’t even register until you woke up the next day in your dorm alone. The heavy words rattling around in your head. You could put enough together to know that he was fucked up about it, you felt worse when you realized that you added onto his self-image of being a bad person.

Curling up into yourself you couldn’t stop crying. An hour passed and there was a loud banging on your door.

“Open the door Y/N,” Doyoung said through the door, his voice loud and angry. You rolled onto your back in bed. You’d expected this from the moment you hung up, but you couldn’t get off the bed, you listened to the pounding on the door, you listened to his angry words turn to begging and you cried again. You cowered away from him, from the world, because how could you face it?

---

Everyone was in his house, every guy on his team was crawling around. When the hockey season was airing this was a normal occurrence for everyone to pile into a house and watch together, but this time Yuta dreaded the full house especially since he was ignoring so many people this time.

Taeyong’s girlfriend, still, not because he felt awful when he looked at her which he still did but less so but now also out of embarrassment, he’d cried in front of her and that made it hard for him to look at her.

He was also ignoring Johnny for the past three days because after he fucked up and fucked you, he ran to Johnny and told him what he did. Johnny was mad but then felt sympathy after Yuta explained that he liked you, but he couldn’t look at Johnny now either not after he’d sobered up and realized how pathetic he sounded trying to explain that he liked his teammates girlfriend a lot even though he’d known her all of five seconds and didn’t know jack shit about her it was just an inexplicable feeling. Johnny had tried to talk to him twice since then, but he’d ran away.

Doyoung too, but that was obvious, he couldn’t face his friend and teammate, practice this morning had been awful, Doyoung was complaining about Y/N going M.I.A. on him. He looked so distressed Yuta felt shitty.

He climbed down the stairs slowly, staring at his phone as he went down, he didn’t want to make any eye contact. He didn’t want anyone to speak to him, but he couldn’t hide in his room that would only draw everyone to him and then everyone would be looking at him.

Yet he couldn’t stop his head from snapping up as the front door slammed into the wall and Doyoung stumbled in. His eyes were red, and he looked drunk.

“Well,” he said loudly looking directly at Yuta, “I am a fucking loser. I’m pathetic and I’m a loser.” Yuta flinched with every word that spilled out of the younger boy’s mouth. Taeyong was instantly at the door as Doyoung struggled with his shoes.

“What are you talking about?” Taeyong asked him as Johnny also filtered into the entryway, taking a spot on the last step on the stairs.

“She cheated on me,” Doyoung replied and then shrugged, “she won’t even tell me who. She actually won’t even let me into her room.” Johnny glanced up at Yuta, but Yuta kept his eyes on Doyoung. He watched the younger boy hold on to Taeyong as his face twisted in anger.

“I don’t understand,” he said his face going red. “I just want to know who it was.”

Yuta’s hand moved to the railing as he bit his tongue, He could feel Johnny throwing glances at him as they all watched the boy break down. Yuta’s gut twisted with guilt as Doyoung stumbled over a pair of shoes and hit the wall. He watched as Doyoung began to cry and Taeyong tried to grab onto him. Yuta’s head was twisting into a tunnel of thoughts that he couldn’t control, all he knew was that he did that.

“It was me.” The air in the room left as the words left this mouth, Taeyong’s head snapping up to him his large eyes widening before anger flashed in them. Yuta turned his gaze back to Doyoung he could barely breathe as under the three pairs of eyes on him.

Doyoung was frozen staring at Yuta. Yuta could tell he was processing the words that had just left his mouth. Slowly Doyoung straightened up before he looked up and met Yuta’s gaze, Yuta could see the blatant hatred that had formed behind Doyoung eyes, but he didn’t look away.

I deserve this. Yuta thought.

Doyoung shook himself out of Taeyongs grasp and was up the stairs and in front of Yuta in a second. More boys had gathered into the small entryway. Yuta snapped his eyes shut as Doyoung grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed him into the wall.

“You fucking douche bag!” His words were angry, his hand twitched at Yuta’s shirt but Yuta couldn’t look at him anymore. Doyoung was gonna hit him, Yuta could tell. He expected it. But it didn’t come.

“Look at me!” Doyoung yelled shaking Yuta, slowly he opened his eyes. The boy's face was so red, his cheeks stained with tears, more tears flowed out of his eyes as his face broke.

“Why?” Doyoung asked as he shook Yuta.

Yuta’s heart ached; he didn’t know how to reply. What could he even say? I’m not a good person. Were the only words in his head. Doyoung repeated his question before completely breaking down, his head falling onto Yuta’s shoulders.

“I looked up to you,” Doyoung muttered into Yuta’s shoulder.

Yuta froze, his mind going numb. He couldn’t move as Doyoung cried onto him. The words on repeat in Yuta’s head only got louder, until they were screaming at him. Until he couldn’t see anything but the fucked up person he was in his head. He could never do anything right.

“I have to leave,” Doyoung said lifting his head off Yuta, shoving him as he did so.

“Why?” Taeyong asked, his voice cold. “Why should you leave? Yuta should.”

Yuta couldn’t look at Taeyong, he knew what the expression on his face would be because he was looking at himself like that as well with pure hatred.

I deserve it.

Yuta didn’t disagree he would be the one to leave, but for a second he couldn’t move. No one did.

“You’re right.” he finally said. He moved past Doyoung in a rush feeling the heated eyes of everyone on him as he bound down the stairs and shoved his feet into shoes before leaving out the door. He had to leave, he deserved to be alone, to be the one kicked out. He couldn’t do anything right. He was fucked up, he wasn’t a decent guy to girls, and he wasn’t a good friend. With each step that Yuta took away from the house, he realized that he was indeed a bad person. Because good people didn’t hurt the people they loved.

And they definitely didn’t deserve to be loved themselves.

A/N: Please look forward to part two, I will have it up as soon as I can. PLEASE let me know what you think!

316 notes · View notes

imabookadict · 3 years

Note

not that I don't love az but could you do an az x reader angsty one shot? full on fighting, yelling n screaming, just 100% pain.. az and his mate who's been drifting from him because of her own insecurities and not to steal from one tree hill, but az saying "I'm not pushing you away, I'm holding on for dear life. why din't you tell me about the pills and why din't you call me when you needed me, why won't you ever just let me all the way in?"

i’m sorry this wasn’t as angsty and dramatic as requested, and i also didn’t proof-read so also sorry about that. but i do hope you guys don’t hate this and thank you for all the love!!<3

summary: you can’t help but feel as if your mate doesn’t want you anymore

warnings: swearing, pills, lack of sleep and eating, mental health, low self-esteem, panic attacks

Azriel was late. Again.

You sighed quietly, and put down the book you had been reading as an attempt to distract yourself. Of course he was late again. It seemed as if he was never home anymore.

A part of you believed it was you. Maybe he got tired of your sarcastic comments and teasing jokes, your trust issues and random mood swings. Maybe he realized you weren’t enough. Or perhaps he just fell out of love.

He also could’ve found someone knew- it wouldn’t have surprised you. Azriel was beautiful- glorious tanned skin, sculpted body, full lips, gorgeous hazel eyes. He looked like a winged-prince straight out of a book. He could get any female- or male, you supposed. So why did he stay with you, of all people? He must feel like he has to, for the sake of the mating bond. But you could always split the bond, couldn’t you?

You were snapped out your thoughts when you heard the front door open then close, and footsteps approached where you sat on the couch in the living room. Azriel walked into view, looking dreadful to be home. “Hello, darling.”

You wished he wouldn’t pretend to care. You wished he would just admit he couldn’t stand to be here- in this apartment- with you. But he never did. You gave him your best attempt at a smile. “Hey, Az.”

Your mate’s brows furrowed, and he frowned. “Are you all right, Y/n? You look exhausted.”

You felt it, too.

“I’m fine. How was work?”

His frown deepened at your attempt to change the subject, but he answered your question. “It was alright. We still don’t know how the wards around Velaris were broken, and I’ve been talking to Elain a lot in hope that she may be-“

You drowned out his voice when you heard the name. Elain.

It was probably her. Azriel must’ve grown tired of you, and began talking to her about you. She had never been too fond of you, just close-lipped smiles and little ‘hellos’. They probably talked about all your flaws and non-lady-like traits at dinners they secretly planned. Your heart dropped into your stomach at the thought.

“Love, you aren’t alright. What’s going on? Are you sick? You’re pale.” Azriel was crouching in front of you now, and tears were beginning to pool in your eyes. It was her it was her it was her.

“Why are you never home?” You could barely hear your own voice over the roaring in your ears. Oh Cauldron, you were going to begin hyperventilating soon and completely break down in front of him like a pathetic child.

Azriel frowned again, confusion written across his face. “I have work. What’s the matter, little love?”

Little love. He called you that because of how short you were compared to his tall frame. Did he call her that too?

“Do you love me?” You blinking furiously, determined to wait until you could excuse yourself to the washroom to break down. Those pills were still there from months ago when you had a rough time. They would make this feel better.

Concern spread across his face, he slightly tilted his head to the side. “Yes. Why? Do you think I don’t?”

You hated yourself for thinking this. You never should’ve asked, because now, with your tears beginning to slip down your face and your lower lip trembling, he’ll feel like he has to stay with you. Azriel’s guilt would eat him alive, but he’d stay with you, even if he wasn’t happy with you but with someone else instead.

When you failed to answer, he inhaled through his nose and out through his mouth. He did that when he was losing patience. “Why would you-“

Not being able to sit here anymore, with him suddenly seeming angry and you already crying, you pushed off the couch and rushed to the washroom, locking the door behind you.

You dug through the cabinets, desperate for the pills. Desperate for help.

Little love.

It was her.

You were sobbing now, frustrated and tired. Azriel was still pounding on the door.

“Y/n, I swear to the Mother if you don’t let me in, I’ll have to break down this door. Come out and talk to me.” He sure sounded mad. Mad at you, or mad that you knew something was up, you didn’t know.

You wanted to pull out your hair when you couldn’t find the little vial containing them. You slammed the cabinet door shut, and Azriel’s knocking stopped for a moment. But then there was a flare of blue light and the door swung open, revealing your mate still in his leathers and his jaw clenched.

“Why are you like this?”

The way he talked- calm and cold, as if he didn’t know you- made your fingers begin tapping nervously on the ground. “Y-you’re mad,”

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “I’m not mad,” his eyes darted from you to the cabinet. They narrowed as they looked back to you. “Were you searching for the pills, Y/n?”

Shit.

That’s why you couldn’t find them- he had taken them from you. You should have known. He was the spymaster, after all.

You nodded once, and he sighed and began to pace. “I found them when I was cleaning out the washroom a few weeks ago. You never told me about them. Why?”

Ignoring his question, you brought your knees up to your chest and rested your chin on them. “You’re mad. You’re p-pushing me away because it’s her. Not me. You l-love her.” Your voice was quiet, but he heard you clearly. You refused to look at him.

He was quiet for a long moment. When he didn’t start talking, you looked up at him. His hazel eyes were staring down at you, and he looked so, so sad. Unshed tears were shining in them. His voice was hoarse when he finally began speaking. “I’m not pushing you away, Y/n, I’m holding on for dear life. Why didn’t you tell me about the pills, and why won’t you just let me all the way in?”

You just stared at him. Let him all the way in? What was Azriel saying?

“What do you mean, ‘let me in all the way?’ I’ve always been open to you!”

Your mate just shook his head and lowered him onto the bathroom tiles across from you. “Not when it comes to your health. Your mental health, Y/n. I know you like to keep your emotions and thoughts all bottled up, but it needs to stop. When you do it, you’re distant. Exhausted. You don’t sleep, you barely eat, and you stay inside all day. I’m tired of worrying all the time.” He glanced to the floor. “It’s not an excuse, but that’s why I work so much. You don’t tell me anything- you’re too stubborn. Work helps me distract myself from all the worry and concern for you.”

“The pills shocked me, Y/n. It hurt to know you needed drugs to feel better. I’m a shit mate for not coming to you when I found them and asking you about it. I am so, so sorry my love for letting you deal with that alone. But I do love you, okay? You- I love you more than anything.” He was crying now, silent tears streaming down his beautiful face. You’re heart ached at the sight.

“I-I love you too. I’m sorry.” Tears were still rolling down your own face, and Azriel slowly leaned forward to kiss them away. Giving you time to pull away- you didn’t.

His lips brushed your cheek, kissing them away, one by one, and when he pulled back he smiled softly. “I’m sorry.”

You opened your mouth to tell him not to apologize, but then his brow furrowed and he spoke instead. “Who we’re you talking about when you said I loved ‘her?’”

“Elain.”

Another tear escaped his eye, and you brushed it away with your thumb. “Y/n,” he whispered. “She’s nothing to me., because you are everything.”

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deepperplexity · 4 years

Text

Black Clouds

Title: Black Clouds

Request: Hi! I just wanna start off by saying i love you’re writing ❤️ I was wondering if you could write a snape x fem reader where the reader is thinking about committing suicide because she feels like she's not worthy of living and she believes that he could have someone better and Sev notice that something is wrong and uses legilimency to find out the issue because she doesn't want to open up with anyone and he's shocked by what he sees and tries to help her. I'm sorry if that's too specific and if you don't feel like writing it, don't worry ❤️

A/N: First of all, before I say anything about this request, I want to tell EVERYONE who feels suicidal to find and ask for help. YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY OF LIFE. This request hits home for me and I was deliberating if I should write this or not as it’s such a sensitive subject for me personally. But, that’s actually all the more reason to write it. Suicide is a hush-hush subject in society when it really should not be - this is something we ALL need to talk about and we ALL need to make sure that everyone feels safe enough to ask for help. And, as you all know by now, I am all for writing about sensitive/taboo subjects that need to be addressed more.

Secondly, if you are suicidal or harm yourself in any way - THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE LESS WORTHY. You are worth all happiness, help, support and care in the world - you have a place in this world and it is ever-changing. What is today may be different tomorrow, what happened yesterday may impact what happens the day after tomorrow. There is always a new dawn to meet and a new sunset to cherish. If you are reading this, you are alive and fighting - go you! Like, seriously, it is fucking hard to be alive in this world but you are doing it! You are fighting, even on bad days, you are fighting and winning! Thank you for being here, thank you for staying with us, thank you for gracing the world with your presence and life! ❤️

As I mentioned this hits home and I will do my best to do this request justice as it is so damn important. I do want to mention this is fiction and I do not personally stand behind all the things that characters do even if I write it. Characters have their own will and sometimes that overrules my will as a writer (also, sometimes it’s just needed to get a good story). To intrude in one’s mind is not something I find to be a good thing - but as my loyal readers already know its a thing I use often because its fun to write and Severus just wants to bloody do it all the time; that man as no sense of privacy boundaries when it comes to others, let me tell you… So just keep this in mind whenever you read fiction - just because someone wrote it does not mean it is something they stand behind or condone. If that were the case the world would be way more bonkers - just think of all the murders and rape and war and devilry stuff authors write about O.O

+A/N: I was writing with a female reader in mind but as I edited this I noticed nothing actually states that it is a female so the reader is GN - I hope Nonny doesn’t mind.

Pairing: Snape x Reader

Setting: Post Second War, Spring 2003, Your home at Rosewood Hill

Word count: 3540

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, Angst, (Age Difference), Fluff, Mental Health, PTSD, Anxiety, Emotional Rollercoaster, Kissing...

Prologue:

You, like many others who had survived the horrible battle at Hogwarts in 1998, suffered from a series of illnesses. Survivors guilt, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and lately the thoughts had begun to overwhelm you. Collectively one could call it severe PTSD but to simply group all the different emotions and disorders like that simplified it a bit too much. Some parts were PTSD, of course, but some things had haunted you long before the battle. Like your struggle with self-worth, your anxiety and the intrusive thoughts that popped up more often than not. The fact that you had been mere 19 years old when you fought for life, justice and all things good probably made the experience even harder to handle.

Fortunately for you, something good had come from the war. Love. Your previous professor, Severus Snape, had been severely injured - actually, he had been at death's doorstep - but pulled through after several months of care where you as a nurse partook in his recovery daily. He made a full recovery under yours and others care and once he was free to leave the hospital he had asked you out on a date. You had accepted happily and then everything just sort of happened. You fell in love, got married, moved to Rosewood Hill and renovated a rundown house together as money was tight - but it all turned out quite good in the end. Well, except the fact that things weren’t good. Not at all…

Masterlist page // Masterlist post // AO3

You had been unable to sleep in the early hours of the morning. Flashes of memories and the sound of screaming paired with falling bodies kept you company. It had gotten worse since Christmas four months ago. That was when it had snowballed out of control completely. You blinked and sighed before you carefully left the bed, and Severus, behind to get some coffee as you tried to keep the intruding thoughts at bay.

Lately, despite all the love and happiness in your life, you had been feeling less and less worthy. Of life, of Severus, of everything. You did your best to hide how you felt. You smiled, you laughed, you baked and cleaned, did all of your hobbies and made sure Severus wouldn’t see how you were hurting inside. Made sure he wouldn’t notice how tormented you were by the mere fact you were alive.

He had enough to deal with, he was so strong that it nearly brought tears to your eyes. He had been through pure hell. Had struggled and fought with all his might year after year while he was hurting, so deeply. You couldn’t fathom how he did it, how he survived and lived on. How he could stand it all. All the thoughts and emotions. Everything. What you felt simply couldn’t be anything to measure with against what he must have felt for so long. It pained you that your thoughts were so selfish, that you had such pain and hurt inside of you when he had a stronger right to claim such emotions. Weakling, worthless, unuseful piece of garbage...

The coffee burned its way down your throat and you winched slightly. “Careful, love,” the gruff voice of your husband echoed out. It startled you as he always slept late and the sun wasn’t even up yet. You smiled at him as you tried to arrange your face into a happy one. He arched a brow at you and you chirped out a ‘good morning, honey’ to him. He grumbled at you, “no morning is good before nine.” You simply laughed at him as he grabbed a giant mug and poured it full with black coffee.

“Why are you up so early?” He grumbled after a few sips, you shrugged and cradled your own cup of coffee in your hands. “I just couldn’t sleep, figured I’d get a headstart on the day,” you smiled out and he huffed. “You’re mad,” he grumbled and you shrugged again. “Why are you up?” “You left, the bed felt empty.” You smiled at him but couldn’t help the piercing thought that he would sleep better if you weren’t by his side at all.

You snuggled up on the couch with a thick book, something to escape into. Something to cradle and lose yourself in for a few hours as Saturday passed by ever so slowly. You didn’t notice that Severus took up a place right beside you before he placed your legs over his own with gentle movements. He made sure the blanket covered your feet and then held a steady grip around your calves. You glanced up at him from the book with a smile etched to your lips. He arched a brow at you.

“What?” you asked quizzically, his hands squeezed your leg for a moment before you felt his tender fingers stroke back and forth. “That is the question I would like to ask you, love.” You raised your brows ever so slightly before you closed the book. “What do you mean?” “What’s wrong, love?” he asked in a hushed tone and you smiled reassuringly at him. “Nothing’s wrong,” you said, “why would anything be wrong, darling?”

Severus looked at you for a moment before he let out a small breath through his nose. His eyes left yours as he looked down at his hands placed on your legs. They were rough and pale, they were hands that you loved. “Do not lie to me, (y/n). Something is wrong. You are, not yourself anymore. Tell me,” he said gently yet firmly. You smiled wider before you placed your hand on his forearm. “Darling, nothing is wrong, I promise. I’m fine and happy, I have you.”

For a long moment, there was nothing but silence and you felt as if your plastered smile might have failed you at any moment when he finally looked at you. “Love, do not lie, it does not suit you. Just, tell me.” You patted his arm as thoughts raced through your mind, wondering how you could reassure him he did not have to deal with your shit when he probably had so much to deal with from his own thoughts already.

“Darling, come here,” you said and he leaned towards you. You stroked away one side of his black hair and hooked it behind his cute ear before you gently caressed his cheek and kissed his lips tenderly. I will not fail you, was the one thought that spun through your mind over and over as you tasted him. “Everything is great,” you whispered as you broke the kiss, “I’ll go make some tea for us. You seem a bit tense.” He nodded at you but there was sadness in his eyes that you could not ignore even if you stood and walked out to the kitchen.

Your hands were shaking as you poured water into the kettle. The cups rattled as you placed them on saucers. Your breathing faltered over and over as you tried to calm your heart. Too close, too close, too close, you thought as you placed tea bags in the cups. I need to do better, he can’t see, I can’t worry him. He’s got too much of his own stuff to deal with, I can’t be a burden to him. I don’t want to burden him anymore…

A small, glinting tear rolled down your cheek as you bit your lip to keep a sob at bay just as the kettle screamed. The water swirled as you poured it, stained by the tea in a gentle pattern before it all gained the same deep colour and you felt as if you yourself had been stained a deeper, darker colour throughout the depths of your heart.

You had avoided him a tad after the tea. You busied yourself with laundry, cleaning, changing sheets on the bed and dusting. Not until evening came and Severus had set the table with a divinely smelling dinner were you forced to be still and in close proximity to him. Now, some might have thought this was just because you didn’t want him to notice it all, see it all, know it all. But no, no that was not the reason you had avoided him. At least not completely.

You wanted to tell him, talk to him, get help. Or something along those lines. At the same time, you felt shame, pain and an array of doubt as to how he would react but also regarding your infliction of pain through verbally admitting what you felt to the one you loved so deeply. The storm inside you that was black clouds of endless dust that howled about your insignificant worth made you feel horrible in every way. Yet, the one thing you did not want was to hurt him. Drag him into the storm. Pain him with your selfish thoughts when you knew, knew what he had been through - for years .

I have no right. No right to feel like this. I should be happy. Should be grateful. I’m alive, I have a home, a man who loves me and the world is safe again. I know I should feel all these things. Should be filled with love and joy. He survived, we found each other. Yet, he is just so damn much and I’m just, not worthy of any of it...

“(Y/n), talk to me,” he said all of a sudden as he put down his cutlery. You lifted your head, allowed your eyes to meet his and tugged your lips up into a smile. “Darling, I don’t understand what you’re going on about. I’m fine, everything is good. I’m good.” “You are not good!” The sudden change of his tone startled you for a second. His gaze was intense and penetrating. As if he looked through you. You gasped as you felt his intrusion in your mind and you had no chance of blocking him out.

He saw everything. Every little thing that you had desperately tried to hide from him. The hurt, the doubt, the horrors of your mind that filled your days with anxiety and sorrow. He slithered through your mind with such power and speed you barely had a chance at breathing as your mind raced with thoughts you had wanted to hide. But, it is as they say. If someone says ‘do not think of an elephant’, what do you think of? An elephant. And that elephant was all of your fears combined with all of the pain.

His eyes watered and you stood with such speed that the chair toppled. “Severus-” you breathed out with a mixture of emotions that were nothing but bad. Your lip quivered as tears rolled down your cheeks before you dashed out of the kitchen and ran towards the bathroom. You closed and locked the door a mere second before he pulled at the handle. “(Y/n). Open the door,” he said with a slight shake to his voice. But you simply curled up in the tub and hugged your legs, your knees against your forehead as tears wet your clothes and skin.

He banged at the door, twice, and you shivered. He saw it, he saw it, he’ll hate me, he’ll be furious with me. I have no right to feel this, I’m not worthy of, anything… The fear of him feeling such things towards you made you nauseous and afraid. “Please, love, open the door. Let me in,” he said through the wood that separated you. But you didn’t move. Then a click was heard and he had used the unlocking spell to let himself in. You hugged your knees tighter. Buried your head with more force as you tried to stop the sobbing that wanted to crawl its way out of your mouth from the depths of your chest.

You felt his hand on your back as you heard the ruffling of fabric as he lowered himself beside the tub. “Love, please,” he whispered and pain was evident in his voice. You curled up further, as much as you could. I hurt him. I hurt him just like everyone else has done. You’d be better off without me, I know you would. I’m such a fucking coward, why haven’t I just- just- just ended it?! I’m not worthy of breathing the same air as you. I should have died. I should have died with the others. Someone else should have lived, I should have died in that war. “Love, don’t.”

It was too late when you felt his presence in your mind as your dark thoughts buried you in such cold depths you barely registered that he lifted you out of the tub. His arms wrapped beneath and around you. His thin lips pressed themselves against your head and you let go of the clawing sob. It escaped through your quivering lips and Severus tensed.

“Love, you are my everything. My whole world. You, are the very reason that I am living. You are-” “Unworthy of your love,” you breathed out in a hushed whisper. To say the words out loud felt as if someone drove a piping hot branding iron down your throat. “It is I who is unworthy of you ,” he whispered against the top of your head as he sunk to the floor and cradled you, “I should have seen, noticed, I should have been there for you like you have always been for me. I am so sorry, love.”

Had this been one of those stupid romance novels I would have been all smiles and happy by now. To hear you say that. I would have been cured of these feelings. But apparently, life is not like that… The thoughts and feelings you had had for so long had not lessened in any way. Had not disappeared just because of his adoring words. They were as strong as ever. But now, now there was also the pain of having hurt him and made him feel unworthy or lesser. It was agony and you had no way to deal with it other than to cry.

Darkness had fallen long before you finally stopped crying. Everything in your body ached and you knew Severus was stiff and sore from the odd position on the hard floor, with you in his lap. “I am so sorry, love,” he whispered for the umpteenth time. “I’m tired,” you whispered back as your mind kept spinning with all the things you had tried to bury. To hide. Things from before the war and after the war. Life, death, loss and gain. “Let’s get you to bed,” he simply said and the thunder in his voice felt subdued. A mere distant rumble and it made you feel strange.

He rose with you in his arms, carefully cradled as if you would break with any hasty motion. You felt the stiffness in his movements, yet he didn’t say a word about it. He simply carried you through the hallway and placed you on the bed with gentleness. You turned and laid on your side as your mind echoed the words ‘insignificant, worthless, unbearable’ over and over and over as Severus pulled the cover up over you. “I’m so sorry, love,” he whispered before he kissed your head, “I will help you, in any way I can. Please don’t, don’t leave me...”

The room was silent after those words and a moment later you heard him take a shuddering breath before he left. You were alone. In that moment, something desperate clawed in you. A fearful thought crossed your mind and pain travelled through your veins as if they were freezing with an ice-cold breath. He’ll leave me now, he’ll see that I’m not worth anything. That, that he is better off without me. Strangely enough, that scared you. Even if it had been the very epicentre of your dark thoughts and agonizing pain lately it was different now. He knew now. Perhaps it was the end and all you had feared was actually true? That you meant nothing, was worth nothing. Nothing at all.

You shivered, turned to lay on your back and grabbed the cover to take it off but at that moment the door opened. You turned your head only to see a broken man in the doorway. His eyes glinted with unshed tears and his shoulders slumped. He looked nothing like your Severus. Nothing at all like the powerful and strong man you had fallen for.

“I will never leave you. I love you, (y/n).” You looked at him as the words vibrated through you in a low tone. “I would have been dead if it were not for you,” he continued and the words elicited a gasp from you. You could not even fathom the idea of a world without Severus. Such a place couldn’t even exist in your wildest fantasies. He was everything. “A world without you, would be worthless and empty. You are everything to me and I want to keep you forever, here, with me. No matter how selfish that may be, I need you with me. Or I shall perish.”

Your heart fluttered with a need for his love as his words landed somewhere in the darkest parts of your mind. The parts where screams and falling bodies lingered. The part where dark clouds of dust swirled with sorrow and pain. The part where no dawning light had shined for years. There his words landed, settled. A small crack in the clouds allowed a single ray of sunshine to come through as gentle words of thankfulness for all who had survived could be heard, even if they were muffled by distant memory and buried beneath all the bad things.

You removed the cover and sat up slowly. As your feet touched the carpet something jolted in you. You ran towards him, slammed your body into his so harshly that he took a staggering step back as his arms wrapped themselves around you with such haste you were nearly surprised. “Please, love, please. Stay and go through this with me. Together,” he breathed out and you nodded as new tears leaked from your eyes. “I will-, will try…” It was the only kind of thing you could say as you clung to that tiny sliver of light in the depths of the darkness. That tiny little ray of warmth that was your beloved and his love for you.

Epilogue:

It had been nearly six months. For six months he had guarded you, tended to you, helped you through the pain and anxiety attacks too many times to count. He had cred, you had cried and several times it felt hopeless. As if nothing would ever change the darkness that clung to you on the inside, in the depths of your mind.

But he had encouraged you, supported you, helped you in all ways possible. Even on days when you wanted to run away from it all and give up, he made sure you could see light and feel warmth. He had confided in you as well. His fear of losing you, his pain in seeing you turn into someone he did not know, the anguish of not knowing and not being able to help. The horror that had raked through him each time you had shut him out with lies of how great and good everything was. His fear that he was not enough for you, that he was not what you wanted.

But now, after months of hard work, tears, open communication and desperate attempts at surviving through it all you felt lighter. The dark clouds of dust were nearly gone as light bathed most of your inner self; a warmth spread like the gentle breeze of a summer night. It was thanks to him, to your beloved, and your own hard work. Your own strength and determination to not yield and succumb to the darkness. Even on days when it was most tempting to escape it all swiftly.

You had fought. Struggled. Won battle after battle. Some battles were lost but the war was being won, one fight at a time. You did that. You fought on and conquered the pain, the sorrow and despair. The abysmal voice that echoed horrendous words of unworthiness and shame had nearly been silenced and replaced with a growling noise of power and love. His voice, his sound, it saved you time and time again as you allowed love to actually unfold and be a part of your life. As you allowed yourself to be alive even if you were not always sure you should be.

You did not give those thoughts more than a swift glance as they passed by in your mind. They were not worthy of your emotional investment. They were false and wrong. You would not succumb to them no matter what as you had finally found your will to live accompanied by a need to do so happily - despite everything your mind had whispered, you were worthy. You just needed help to break free of the darkness and see yourself for the worthy person that you would always be. No matter what, you would always be worthy of life.

Masterlist page // Masterlist post // AO3

A/N: I want to say thank you to the Nonny who sent this request and I want to yet again remind everyone that you are worthy of all good things and being suicidal or harming yourself does not take that away! If you are harming yourself or have suicidal thoughts, find and ask for help! You are worth it, worthy of help and of life! Thank you for being here with us. ❤️

Taglist: @lizlil @snapefiction @darkthought15 @monstreviolet @flowerdementia @marvelschriss @simpforsnape @once-upon-an-imagine @ravennight41 @morphineisouthoney @setsuna-meiou31 @meteoritewolf69 @bionic-otp @elizabeth-baelish

Want to be tagged? 💚 You can tag yourself HERE! Or tell me and I’ll gladly tag you! 😍

[Feb:2021]

149 notes · View notes

mellometal · 3 years

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Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too.

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man.

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want.

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too.

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around.

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!

#mello speaks #dhar mann #dhar mann talk #dhar mann will live to regret his decision to make these fucked up cringe videos #dhar mann will live to regret his decision uwu #dhar mann is a piece of human garbage #please stop supporting dhar mann #autism isn't a tragedy #we need better representation for autistic people who aren't little white boys or young white cishet men #dhar mann is a cringe ass nae nae baby #tw abandonment #tw ableism #cw sia mention #cw chris chan mention #tw dhar mann

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bostonbashers · 4 years

Text

mercs react to their s/o being terminally ill. ~

Hi I don’t know if you’re an angst person but I hope you consider my request. May I request the mercs with an s/o that gets diagnosed with a terminal illness that has no cure and could potentially be fatal? How do they deal with the idea that they could die?

How about mercs with an s/o who is very sick? Thank you and good luck!

so y’all tryna break my heart today, huh. i love writing angst but it always ends up hurting me :’)

terminally ill could be considered a heavy topic so i will tag it accordingly! poor mercs.. please enjoy! ❤️

[ TW: TERMINAL ILLNESS MENTION/ALCOHOL MENTION]

Scout:

scared to death for them. his face grows white upon hearing the news and he freezes, his stomach turning at the realization that he may lose the only person that could understand him, not as a scout but as himself.

will probably hurt more than his other half and the news weighs him down greatly, affecting his everyday tasks. he becomes very clingy and is worried that once he leaves their side, they’ll be gone from his reach.

not the best caretaker and doesn’t really know how to assist a sick person, so he calls his ma up for advice and tries his best to follow it, even if he makes a few stumbles here and there. you know he means well even if he nearly burns all the food he makes for you.

Soldier:

demands the medical center to do something about it and says it’s an order, his voice booming around the quiet area. when they apologize and inform him that nothing could be done, he nearly loses his shit and has to be held back before he decides to blow up the place.

tries to be strong for them, even if he’s godly worried but doesn’t show it. he highly believes they can make it through their sickness and tries to keep their spirit up no matter how low the day is; “this disease has got nothing on you, cupcake! you are the strongest fighter i know!” and when they smile, it motivates him to continue on.

Pyro:

they whimper cause they know something isn’t right. though they can’t quite put their finger on it, they do notice the change of behavior their s/o has as time passes. the way they drag their body, eat and sleep less, often too weak to move and it just worries them. they know something is wrong.

hugs and rainbows and everything bright makes everyone happy right? so they do just that. even if they can’t understand what they’re going through, they try to cheer them up with everything they have; stuffed animals, their favorite food, cuddles and even sets up little skits for them.

on their worse days, where they’re terribly ill and can’t build up the strength to do even the simplest of tasks, they just stay by their side, hugging them here and there to show that they’re not alone.

Demoman:

tavish is heart broken but he doesn’t show it to his s/o. the last thing they need to see is another crying face around them. instead, he asks how his s/o how they’re feeling and comforts them in their time of need despite the tears threatening to spill.

he mostly grieves in silence at first, not even alcohol being able to silence the pain that ached inside him. he cries to himself for a while until his s/o catches him one night, hunched over on the table while he let out soft sobs. they hug him from behind until he’s ready to talk and when he does, he feels much better.

once he composes himself the day after, he tries to cut down on the alcohol to be sober enough to care for his s/o properly. he wants to be there for them completely in their time of need.

Heavy:

is deeply saddened for his s/o, not knowing the impact it had placed on their shoulders. he doesn’t say much but hugs them gently, caressing their back for comfort. “(y/n) will be okay. misha is here.”

he’s already a worry wart so upon learning this, he becomes even worse with his concerns and frets about his s/o often, commenting on every little thing. if they cough too loud or even vomit, he freaks out inwardly and does everything and anything he can to help them.

he often asks medic for advice on how to help them cope with their disease at the least and follows his tips to the bone. he also makes sure that his s/o doesn’t overwork themselves at all and tells them to rest often.

Medic:

he thinks that the doctor is just pulling shit out of their ass and probably just giving his s/o a scare. they’ve been acting and looking fine lately, so it’d be strange for them to have an incurable disease. he brushes it off his shoulders for the time being.

but then as he slowly observes them more, he does notice major changes that he hadn’t caught before. the way they moved, spoke, and even the way their beautiful smile weakened eventually caught up to him and he’s completely devastated, reality finally striking him.

stays up countless nights to find a cure, anything and everything that could at least prevent it from worsening. it’s true, he could always bring people back to life but it wasn’t always an assurity and he wasn’t sure if a disease was the same, so it worries him more. even if his s/o begs him to take a break, he just won’t. not when they’re in danger.

Sniper:

he gets angry at the doctor at first, spewing out questions that he knew the doctor couldnt answer himself; “wut do ya mean ya weasels can’t do a thing? isn’t that your job?” when his s/o drags him out of the medical center, he grows eerily quiet compared to the moments earlier and keeps his head down the rest of the way home.

when his s/o does confront him later that night, they cup both his scruffy cheeks in their hands and he leans into their touch unconciously. “i’m gonna be okay.” he stays quiet, staring at them with a sullen expression. “oi know.” he murmurs, “oim just- just afraid to lose ya.” and they shake their head and wrap their arms around his torso, “you won’t.”

afraid is just the beginning. he’s utterly mortified with the idea of losing them, often keeping him awake at night and sending him into nightmares. he’s lost so many people in his life and he knows the pain of it, but this was different. this pain is absolutely unbearable and he holds them tight as they sleep, silently begging that they don’t take away the one perfect thing he has going in his life.

Engineer:

he tries not to cry right in front of his s/o as they announce the news to the both of them, but his s/o knows he’s one second away from breaking down so they pull him out of there as soon as possible. he tearfully apologizes to them, blaming himself for not taking care of them more often and how he should’ve noticed. his s/o tries to reassure him it’s not his fault but it doesn’t really change his mind.

doesn’t deal with the idea of losing his s/o very well. he smiles less and worries more, stressing himself out but tries to maintain his positive attitude for the sake of keeping them happy during these times.

anything his s/o needs, he does without a complaint. no matter what time of the day or how busy he is, he will drop it just to attend to them. he takes it up a notch once he’s aware his s/o is sick and you best believe it’ll be done in a heartbeat once those words leave your mouth.

Spy:

he’s had a feeling for a while that his other half was sick, hence the reason why he forcefully decided to drag them to the hospital. when the news is confirmed, he thanks the doctors and quietly pulls them out of the building. he sees the teary eyes of his s/o and sighs deeply, embracing them in a tight hug, whispering sweet nothings to them.

is aware that their s/o’s mental health may decline due to the sudden shock and tries to lighten up their day often, buying them things they want or complimenting them whenever he sees them. he also starts conversations whenever they’re around. even goes as far as dancing with them in the middle of his quarters.

makes sure his s/o is relaxed as possible at the same time. he messages their back and wherever it hurts, holds them whenever they need it, and becomes a mother hen whenever they fall terribly ill. even if he’s outwardly fine, he’s honestly devastated but tries to keep his head on his shoulders, knowing that panicking will only worsen the situation.

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oquinn53 · 3 years

Text

BNHA THEORY RAMBLING WITH SPOILERS

Okay so second bnha rambling with theories because I can’t think straight so I think of bnha! Specifically Deku.

Specifically, Deku’s endgame. There are so many theories out there and I just.... think about Deku specifically a lot. I mean he’s the protagonist and everything and I love him and a common theory that I actually do kinda think about a lot is Deku losing OFA. But I don’t think he’ll end quirkless. I think a lot of things need to happen but let’s start with me rambling about Deku’s characterization, how it can all be wrapped up in this:

Deku has PTSD. (This part is LONG and talks about masochism and mentions suicide and all that. Other points are shorter!) And I don’t mean post war arc or even post Bakugo’s kidnapping, if we want to go that far back. Deku has PTSD from the VERY start. This kid is a walking mental illness. Sources? Hi, I’m a Civilian With PTSD and I saw Deku at the beginning and I watched Deku’s horrible mental health deteriorate EVEN MORE than it started off as. This is really important to me, to state that he has it from the beginning, because I believe in the character growth and development. I might be talking out my ass but it’s fun so. Why do I say he starts out from it? Let’s look at symptoms.

A) hyperfixation, my old friend. Deku fixated hardcore on All Might and Heros in general. But he fixated specifically on All Might and he gets EMBARRASSED about it a lot. (Funny enough, the embarrassment of it is also a symptom of ADHD but I’m not as well versed in that). Hyperfixation is a very very common coping method.

B) His anxiety. Kinda self explanatory here. He’s a bully victim. He also has been literally classified as LESS. Quirkless. But also defenseless. Useless. We’ve heard that, his anxiety is there but it’s because of what DEFINES him. His self identity was born from what everyone else tells him. He’s a determined boy, but his sense of self is only wrapped up in what other people think—or specifically, what All Might thinks. Which blends a bit with...

C) A loss sense of identity. I talked about this a little bit he last part but Deku’s goal to become a hero is so tied to All Might that even when he gains the quirk, he has to have it beaten into him with warning of losing the use f his arms for him to realize he’s NOT All Might. But that’s still what he sees, even when he switches to using his legs more. He has no idea who he is. He just copies. He copies Bakugo’s moves again and again. And while it’s cool to see all the parallels and growth of Deku learning from others, there is a message of “making it his own” when Deku copies others again and again because he has no idea who HE is. He analyses like crazy because figuring out how other people do things is the only way he can figure out how HE can do things. Also, the whole language change because his image of victory is Bakugo? Literally his speech pattern isn’t his own, his every day one matching his mother’s.

D) repressed and heavily released emotion. He’s 0 or 100, both when he gets OFA and with his emotions. I mean. Feral!Deku. Do I need to say more? Yes, because I was to drive home how not okay Deku is from the very beginning. Boy cleans the beach and screams bloody murder. He has no idea what emotion to have and needs to let it out. Doesn’t matter he just did a shit ton of physical release, he has so much emotions that he doesn’t know what to do with. Just like Bakugo’s anger, Deku’s emotion usually comes out as his tears. Boy cries a lot but sometimes tears aren’t enough and Deku screams a LOT. Even his own excitement bursts out in bigger ways, with his mumbling and fact dropping (god, also slightly autistic coded maybe? Blurred lines with ADHD there, it again, not my area of expertise)

E) black and white thinking. He’s young, so that explains some of this but just like I mentioned above with the 0 or 100, he represents the mindset of civilians. He literally blinds himself at the very start to even what’s happening to HIMSELF. He sees hero and he sees villian and those are his two categories. Bakugo literally tells him to kill himself and Deku thinks about how that would negatively affect Bakugo. He doesn’t and never does see Bakugo as a villian for this. He sees “wow that wouldn’t be good for his Hero image” and because Deku sees Bakugo as a hero, everything has to fit into that. And while Deku has huge growth with this next part, he also originally viewed villains as just villains. He learned a LOT and while the society’s image becomes less black and white for him (because the whole manga revolves around the gray morality of it all) he still doesn’t see much gray area. It’s win or lose. With the sports festival, he literally won the race without his quirk. He got through the Calvary battle despite being a giant ass target. He placed in the top 8 (which he probably would have gotten higher on if his goal didn’t change) and despite accomplishing his goal with Todoroki, he broke down about not doing what All Might asked him despite gaining permanent scarring and a hell of a warning re his arms. But to point back at the beginning, this is reinforced with his entrance exam. Passing the written exam meant NOTHING because he did “””nothing””” in the practical.

F) last point, Deku’s a masochist. Obviously with the broken bones and things but I’m not even just talking about the physical damage he does to himself—which is, what, 95% of the time what he gets most of his wounds from? Anyway—I’m talking about his mindset. Masochism isn’t just the physical act of causing pain. It’s that mindset of deserving pain. The reasoning doesn’t matter. Deku only “betters” himself for the sake of giving more to others. He trains so hard, not for himself, but for others. On the outside it might seems like his goal of becoming a hero is his own but he sacrifices his body and dives into situations where he’s literally been warned he’s going to die and he just does it anyway. Eri’s Arc and him “changing the future” is what I’m referring to here and you could say “well he DID say he would change that future!” And okay, sure, but he was told Sir is never wrong. But he would rather rush into that future where he dies than take even a moment to think through his actions. But anyway, my point is him at the beginning so I specifically mean the training montage. Where he was ALREADY on a tough schedule that he knew would be difficult and he literally adjusted it and added MORE. Because, to circle back to other points because mental illness always overlaps points, he can only think of himself as 0 or 100, black and white, Able To Save or Failure. If he can’t be at 100 then he believes he deserves pain and causes it to himself. The only time he regrets his injuries is when it prevents him from giving MORE of himself to others. He learns his shoot style not because he doesn’t want to hurt himself but because he doesn’t want to become useless to others. He trains and loses sleep and puts his body through hell because he thinks of himself only as something for others. (I think wanting to save Shigaraki is a powerful moment not because it’s Pure Boy Deku but because it’a his own thinking, his OWN want, but.... it’s still not for him and will still cause him pain). And a last point on this, Heros Rising showed us that Deku is willing to give up his quirk and his dream to win and it showed us that while he believed he didn’t have any other choice, he was deeply disappointed in himself. Winning wasn’t enough. Hurting himself THAT MUCH wasn’t enough. He let All Migjt down and giving up his dreams, almost dying, becoming quirkless, all wasn’t enough to counteract the shame he held. Like god. Baby.

Other small observations or relevant commentary:

1) The doctor who told Deku he was quirkless is the same doctor who worked on Shigaraki. Same doctor who can perseve dead bodies. Same doctor who worked with AFO and all that. (See? Short! Will be relevant soon)

2) One for All is tied to All for One. OFA was literally created the moment a hand reached out to help. Can one even exist without the other?

3) Bakugo needs to apologize. Horikoshi has literally said in an interview post Heros Rising that Bakugo needs to apologize. Sacrificing his life to save Deku is NOT how you apologize to Deku. Deku will ask for a receipt on this type of apology. Return to sender. Unacceptable. So. Bakugo needs to apologize.

4) Deku’s dad isn’t in the picture yet. Hasn’t even been spoken of except for the fact we know his quirk is fire breathing and his name is Hisashi. Oh and he’s abroad. Oh and Horikoshi said he’ll be in the picture at some point. Given we’re in the final arc......... this might not be relevant at all to my theory because I have mixed thoughts on AFO being Deku’s dad but it would connect a few things in the theory.

SO. Finally, all of this together had me thinking about Deku’s characterization and what this (now with COMBAT related ptsd and not just civilian ptsd) means for his ending.

Like I said, I think he’s going to lose OFA. And I originally didn’t think so because Heros Rising showed his losing it and why would they do that again? The movie is canon. Horikoshi himself said so and was a huge part of the production of it. So they did that and wouldn’t do it again. Except.... Deku GAVE OFA away. Which is significant because it was his choice. And he had shame and we witnessed how much that hurt him, but we haven’t seen what’s now been tried TWICE: OFA being forcibly taken from him. Maybe by Shigaraki, since that is building up big time. But maybe by saving Shigaraki.

Either way, what’s more significant to me than how he has it taken is what that means for him, based on everything else above: he would lose his entire self identity. He would literally have no idea who he is anymore except for the only reference he’s ever had, which his from when he was quirkless. He gained friends only after he had a quirk. Every bond he has is tied to him being a hero and he was told it was impossible for him to be a hero without a quirk. Even All Might’s adjusted answer to him at the beginning involved giving him a quirk as the answer for him being able to become a hero.

I think this is the absolute perfect chance for Bakugo to say “since when did you need a quirk to be a hero”. And it doesn’t matter much what the context is, what causes Deku to still need to be a hero (whether a Situation or just an identity crisis) and I think about Quirkless Deku as a hero a lot, since that’s how he was originally written in the one shot before he was revamped for bnha.

But I don’t think Deku will end quirkless either because of who his doctor was. I think Deku had a quirk. I think the doctor stole it. Whether that’s because AFO is Deku’s dad and saw his quirk and knew he had to take it for some reason or whether it was independent and the doctor saw it and took it. The whole toe thing can be written off so easily that Deku could easily have had a quirk at some point.

And maybe, if AFO and OFA are cancelled out, the quirks that were stolen go back to their original owners. Meaning Deku gets his ORIGINAL quirk back.

As in, Deku gets his own identity.

And what would that quirk be? Hm. I don’t know. But. His mom can move small objects. His dad can breath fire. A mutation, maybe? I’ll leave that one up in the air.

And there are a lot of implications here that this could mean for him, as far as healing. And I just want him to be happy.

#bnha spoilers #bnha theory #bnha ramblings #Deku #character analysis #tw masochist #Deku has ptsd and no one can convince me otherwise

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nuhogom · 4 years

Text

Impromptu

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut

Warning: bad mental health day, body image issues, fingering

Member: Shownu

Author’s Note: I wrote this on a bad mental health day...so it comes from a personal place. I hope you enjoy :)

Today was one of your bad days. So bad you called into work sick. On a Friday. You coughed as you curled into a tighter ball in your bed, squeezing your eyes shut in hopes that would help your brain shut off. You were alone as Hyunwoo left early this morning to go practice some new choreo. You moaned out loud, sighing heavily. Your body ached. Your mind ached more. You felt unworthy, as you did everyday, but today was worse. Unworthy of Hyunwoo and his love. Unworthy of the life you had. The life you lived would surely have anyone else happy. They would smile and laugh and kiss their loved ones.

You were gone. So many thoughts at once and also none at all. So many ideas of why your body was the way it was. How everyone would be better off without you. Except, you were too chicken to do anything about it. Surely the mattress had an imprint of your body by how much you slept in it. You heard a noise distant in the background, momentarily frozen with fear. The fear left as quickly as it came, though. You were too numb to care anymore.

“Babe? Are you okay?” You hear Hyunwoo’s voice speak as he steps into your bedroom. You jerked slightly, not anticipating him being home at this hour. You rolled over and smiled up at him tenderly.

“Why are you here?” You asked, harsher than you intended. Hyunwoo didn’t flinch at your tone. Instead he shoved a hand through his hair and looked at you in concern. He quickly pulled the covers back, sliding into your bed beside you.

“I came to yours to get a quick lunch and some coffee. The boys and I needed a break. Yours is closer than the dorms,” he said softly. His hands wrapping around your stomach, his eyes searching your face.

“Please, I don’t want to be touched right now,” you said, sliding your arms over yourself and towards his arms, pulling them away from you. His smile vanished, his lips puckering in deep thought. “Go ahead and say it, Hyunwoo. Okay?” You said bitterly.

“I’m confused. What do I need to say?” He asked, eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“How fat I am and undesirable because of my depression and anxiety,” you said in Korean. Making it even more personal to him. He was silent almost a moment too long for your said anxiety.

“Babe, if you were undesirable, I wouldn’t be here right now! Your kind heart and desire to treat others right is why I fell in love with you! Your eyes light up when you watch the boys being happy and when you’re around kids! And you’re not fat! You aren’t skinny like the models and that’s why I love you! Please don’t compare yourself to the celebrities, babe.” He said firmly. You tried your best to not roll your eyes, you knew he didn’t like when you did that. Your eyes welled with tears as you watched your boyfriend smile at you.

“Hyunwoo, I am so thankful for you everyday. Today is a bad mental day, for me. I’m sorry,” you trailed, a tear finally escaping your eye. He smiled that goofy smile and pushed his lips tightly to your forehead.

“Please don’t be sorry for having bad days, babe. Have you thought about therapy?” He said softly. You nodded silently.

“But I would need one overseas. I can’t understand Korean that deep,” you chuckled. He nodded in understanding, rubbing at his chin in thought.

“May I touch you, now?” He whispered. You hesitated and he noticed.

“Why don’t you want me to touch you?”

You were scared to death. What if when you truly exposed all the hatred you held within you about your body he’d hate you? A break up immediate and lasting a lifetime. You swallowed thickly. Bite the bullet...

“I’m too ugly, Hyunwoo. I have struggled with loving myself my entire life. I hate seeing myself in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing but flaws,” you spoke, disrupting your eye contact. He gently grabbed your chin, forcing your eyes to meet his. When you looked up, his eyes had changed. They were confused beyond doubt.

“To me, your flaws make you beautiful! Your flaws make you human. Humans aren’t perfect, baby,” he said, kissing your nose. He pulled back, his eyes crinkling as he smiled, once again. You forced yourself to smile back, but he noticed it didn’t reach your eyes.

“You know, I have insecurities too,” he said slowly. You gaped at him, not believing those words for a second. “I don’t like my nose and I think my shoulders are too thick. Sometimes I have to have clothes custom made. I also don’t like my hands because they aren’t smooth and pale like so many other male idol’s hands.”

“But Hyunwoo, I love all of those things about you! Your nose is so cute and your broad shoulders are nice to hold onto!” You flushed, thinking of the reason you hold onto his broad shoulders. “And I love your hands! They are so warm and strong and- oh. I see what you mean,” you said, looking away from his face and down at his chest.

“Exactly, babe. I love you for you. C’mhere!” He said, rising from the bed and reaching his hand out to you. You hesitantly took his hand, gripping onto him like he was a lifesaver. He gently pulled you in front of the mirror in your bathroom, standing behind you. His hands carefully wrapped around your waist, his lips kissing your neck.

“I love your hips,” he said, hands grabbing at them. “I love your tummy,” he said softer, your eyes meeting in the mirror. He quietly slipped his hands under your shirt, causing you to shiver and grasp at his hands under your shirt.

“Hyunwoo,” you said desperately.

“I love your chest,” he said, moving his hands up to cup your breasts fully. His calloused hands felt good on your chest. You groaned and leaned your head back on his shoulder. His lips were so close to your ear you could hear his breath getting heavier. He left a ghost of a kiss right below your ear, causing goosebumps. Your mind was now miles away from how much you hated your body. You just wanted to be touched and loved.

“Babe,” you gasped as he slid a hand out the top of your shirt, gripping your neck. Your eyes shot open, meeting his in the mirror. He chuckled as you pushed back into him with your butt, his other hand tweaking your nipple. You grasped at his hand around your neck, trying to pull him away. His arm didn’t budge, but instead got tighter.

“I’m going to make you feel good, okay?” He asked. You nodded, his hand on your breast sneaking down to the most sensitive area on your body. He kissed up your neck, more than likely darkening your bruises from the other day. You grunted as his rough fingers rubbed over you, causing your eyes to close.

“Shit,” you cursed. You were willing your legs to not give out under you, but you knew Hyunwoo would never let you fall. His hand left your throat to tightly grip at your thigh, bringing it up to push your knee into the counter. It allowed him more room to freely push his fingers into you. You moaned at the new position, his chest rumbling behind you in a chuckle.

“Feel good, baby?”

You nodded, opening your eyes to look into the mirror. He was already looking at you, his features soft and caring. You blushed at the smile he gave you, his lips going to your ear in a soft kiss. His fingers didn’t stop their assault, going slower and rubbing faster.

“I’m so close,” you whined out, gasping at a speed change.

“That’s it, baby. Let it out,” he said. His lips began kissing your shoulder and back of your neck, forming goosebumps all over you. You felt the familiar knot in your stomach, your eyebrows scrunching. You sighed as his hand left your thigh, wrapping around you right below your breasts and pulling you into him.

“H-Hyunwoo,” you gasped, feeling yourself let go. He continued to slowly finger you through your high, his lips connecting with yours in a sloppy kiss. He pulled his fingers out, washing them in the sink in front of you. You put your leg back on the ground, peeling your leggings and underwear off and throwing them into the clothes basket. You turned to him, his eyes watching your every move as you cleaned up. You laughed as he wiggled his eyebrows at you.

“Do you feel better?” He asked, bringing you in by the waist.

“Mmhm. But just making me feel good for a moment won’t take it completely away, you know?” You whispered.

“I know. I know, baby. I just want to help you right now,” he said, laying your head on his chest and gently smoothing your hair.

“You did a good job, babe,” you chuckled. He pulled you away, hands cupping your face and making you look at him. He gently put some hair behind your ear, eyes searching your face. He seemed to be looking for something, but you weren’t sure what.

“What?” You smiled.

“I just wish I could take away your pain. I don’t like seeing you hurt and not being able to help,” he replied.

“Babe! You do help! Just being by my side helps!” You quickly replied.

“I’m not always by your side, though. Am I?”

“You are! Just being my boyfriend is being by my side! You always support me and love me when I don’t really feel like being loved. Like now.” You saw his eyes tear up, causing him to look away and up at the ceiling of the bathroom. “Don't feel bad, babe! I’m the one who is sick today!” You laughed, hoping to break the serious moment up. Your boyfriend looked down at you, eyes still glistening.

“Marry me?” He rasped, voice thick with wanting to cry. Your eyes widened, mouth opening in a silent gasp. You blinked up at him, not knowing what to do. “Please?” He added cutely.

“Well, I uh. Yes? We’re both bottomless and standing in the bathroom! Babe?!” You laughed nervously, breaking away from his arms. He stood there silently, allowing you to process his words. You stood there for a minute, hands running through your hair rapidly. “Yes! Yes!” You said with a smile.

He smiled down at you, grabbing at your ass and picking you up to give you a hug. His strong arms wrapped around you, your legs wrapping around his waist. He buried his face in your neck, pecking it softly. You giggled at the affection, pulling yourself closer to him. Your smile vanished, thinking of something. You pulled away from Hyunwoo’s kisses, unwrapping your legs from him and standing, causing him to make a confused face.

“We need to get engaged properly! We can’t tell the boys and our future kids you just freaking fingered me!” You squeaked.

“Our kids?” He asked. You flushed, nodding. “You’d look so pretty carrying our babies,” he gruffed.

“Mmhm,” you hummed, laughing at his response. “After we get married and you move out of the dorms, please!” He nodded, his lips pushing against yours in a sudden breathless kiss.

He pulled away slowly, eyes crinkling in happiness. “I love you. So much. Always. Remember that,” he whispered firmly. You smiled and nodded in happiness. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions….

#shownu fluff #shownu #monsta x #shownu angst #shownu smut #wonho x reader #minhyuk x reader #kihyun x reader #hyungwon x reader #changkyun x reader #monsta x fic #monsta x fluff

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cottoncandyjester · 4 years

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my guy, my dude...what would happen if the yandere oc's got rejected by their darling...would shit go down?? How'd they react??

It's funny cause I think some peeps forget that these ocs would absolutely hurt you to get what they want lol they are such lovable yanderes

Warning this story contains: murder, yandere behavior, kidnapping, self harm, torture, blood

Theodore

"w-what do you mean no... you can't say no my sweet angel" he said softly now staring at you as you stared at him with eyes full of hate. He had you backed into an alleyway, your rejection caused him to lose it a bit so he ended up cornering you whole you two were out on a 'date'

"get away from me you freak!" You shouted trying to push him away, he doesn't understand he confessed that he loved you and you lashed out, why was this happening? He loved you so why weren't you obedient to him..you were supposed to be his submissive little spouse.

"stop it, please..angel I don't like this stop saying such hurtful things" he said softly as he covered your mouth with his hand while the other reached into his pocket. "Stop. Please stop struggling, You're behaving irrationally. You aren't mentally well you need me to take care of you" he whispered as he felt you try to kick him in the groin but he moved his hand from your mouth catching it only to hear you scream.

"SOMEONE H-" theo stabbed your side with a needle watching you wince from it before everything started spin as you started to become limp in his arms. "That's right angel, trust me. I know best"

Hikaru

"the fuck did you say bitch? Did your ugly ass say no?!" He snapped at you. He invited you to his house hoping you would accept his invite to stay the night and drink expensive wine clearly wanting to bring you to bed. He even went to touch you but you pushed his hand from your thigh.

You rejected him and he doesn't do rejection, you were his from the moment he saw you. Hikaru pushed you down on the couch his eyes spiraling with hate as he climbed ontop of you now choking you.

"you should be begging to be mine! Ugly bitches like you don't really have a reason to say no. I'm perfect so you must clearly be touched in the head or some shit, that's fine cause no matter what you're mine" he hissed out with a low snarl as he watched your face grow paler and paler as you clawed his arms trying to stop him but your vision got spotty

"that's right pig, just sleep."

Axis

Tears poured down axis' cheeks as he watched you kindly reject his confession that he poured his heart out just so you know how he feels. He painted you something that he had spent an entire month on and you just said no. Axis dropped the painting feeling his mental state just plummet as you walked towards the door to leave.

"please, don't leave... don't leave me alone.." he whispered out as he felt his entire body shake as his only thoughts were about staying with you. Axis completely broke down, pulling out a knife from his pocket and slitting his own stomach open causing you to turn around and rush to him.

"w-we need to get you to a hospital! You're bleeding so badly! Axis!" Your frantic screaming made him so happy as he leaned against you as blood poured from the fresh wound and he smiled as you huffed him close while calling for help, you're so warm and sweet to him

"if you leave, I'll kill myself y/n and it'll be all your fault" he whispered in your ear now clinging to you getting blood all over you as well as a weak soft laugh escaped him as you felt your blood run Cold.

Salem

You couldn't even reject him, the moment he saw you he had stolen you away. You woke up only to be tied up to a bed as salem watched you sleep. He grinned once you woke and licked his lips

"w-where am I? Please let me go!" You snapped and he tilted his head to the side like a confused child. "Go? Hmm go go go...nope!" He said happily before moving ontop of you and started to undress you but your thrashing around caused him to get annoyed

"don't make me eat you~" he sang out as he leaned down licking your neck, in his eyes you either become his lover or his next meal either way was good in his eyes. "Flesh Soo soft, yummy" he hissed out before biting your shoulder feeling you wince under him before he pulled back licking the fresh blood with a soft giggle.

"all mineeee~"

Prince

"you're kidding right..?"

His tone came off incredibly empty, he invited you on a date and you said no. He's been trying to get with you for months, doing it the right way but you still said no. Prince chuckled as he ran his fingers through his hair, this wasn't right..no no no he could get anyone he wanted so why were you so difficult to obtain.

"yeah, no I can't let ya just leave. So sorry" he said with a sweet smile as he walked towards you while you backed away. His eyes spiralled with insanity it was hard to see this was the same person as before laughing and joking with you

"sorry babe, but this is really gonna hurt but i promise I'll make it better" you felt your back hit a wall before prince punched you in the face making you feel pain before your vision got spotty.

"damn, did I hit you too hard? That's gonna leave a Mark" he mumbled as he shook his hand as you passed out.

Yuki

"oh, yuki. Why are you here?"

"date."

Yuki stood infront of your house eyeing you seeing that you were in pajamas which confused him since he swore you two had a date today. "Yuki, don't you remember..I said we should stay friends. You're great bu-" yuki shuddered at your words. No, that wasn't right you two were already dating and he wad supposed to take you on a date.

at least thats how he remembered it. You were his lover from the moment he saw you, you two started dating as soon as he met you. "No." He said softly as he stared at you blankly watching your face twist with confusion. "What do you mean no?" You stated only for him to step closer to you his hand pressed against the door preventing you from closing the door

"we have a date"he said softly in a tone of frustration as he calmly took off his scarf only to see your eyes panic. "Yuki, I said no" you stated firmly but when he reached for you, you of course tried to turn to run but he wrapped the scarf around your throat pulling both ends to choke you

"shh, just rest..kay?" He whispers out though as he loosened his grip he could only feel annoyance, why does this keep happening? Why can't you ever remember your dates with him? Oh well. He'll just have to use that drug to block your memories and try again..this time you'll say yes.

Rocket

"you're a great guys, but do you understand now...I see you as a friend" you said and rocket forced a grin before pulling you into a hug. You were so glad he understood and hugged him back only to feel him start to squeeze you, his large arms locked around you as you wheezed tapping his shoulder telling him to stop.

"y'know, snapping someone's spine is really easy I heard! I haven't tried but it must be easy yeah? So..how about that date?" He spoke in your ear with a cheerful tone.

"o...kay... please. " You wheezed out and he let go now scooping you up into his arms before he took off his bandana off using it to gag you.

"awesome!"

Scarlett

"I'm glad you understand so well scarlett, we are much better as friends" you said as the girl placed tea infront of you with a smile. She invited you to her place for tea after you rejected her confession. "Of course dear, some people aren't suited for each other" she said softly as she slipped her tea watching you do the same.

"and some people make mistakes, as humans we can get so confused we aren't sure what we desire" she stated calmly as she watched the homemade drugs she put in the tea work, you were sweating bullets and panting softly.

"oh sweetie, you dont look too well." She said with a smile as you laid back on the couch closing your eyes feeling everything spinning.

"I'll nurse you back to health my darling"

Yuuta & yuuji

Yuuta hummed as he buckled the gag around your mouth before pressing a button in the center of the ball gag hearing it beep. "Careful, if you try to release your teeth from that Ball it could explode would hate for you to lose your jaw" the older twin said before he kissing your temple as yuuji ran his fingers through your hair hugging you from behind.

"it's just until we can trust you my sweetheart. I mean you said no to our date, how cruel. So we just had to swipe you away and take you home"

You struggled lightly against the ropes as you sat in the chair but it was impossible. The two moved infront of you both of them holding hands as they stared at you.

"be our pet.." yuuji started with a smile

"...or die painfully" yuuta ended with an annoyed huff.

Rin

"I don't understand why you're crying, clowns are supposed to be funny." The male said as he placed the crown he made on your head, the intestines dripping blood on your face as you stared at your family that laid on the ground cut open.

Rin hummed softly unsure what it will take to make you smile until he took out a real heart before squeezing it so hard it squirted blood everywhere. "Y/n you make my heart burst with love!" He cheers out before hearing only your crying and screams which caused him to pout.

"yeah that was a bad joke, it's not even my heart. Hmm let's see, oh! I know!" He cheers now reaching into the body and grunting at he took out the stomach and showed it to you "I can't stomach being without you!" He cheers out laughing at his own joke.

Your screaming and sobbing was getting old now, the male sighs as he crawled towards you nuzzling his face against your stomach. "baby, im trying my best here. You have to work with me I mean you don't seem to be enjoying my show...tell me y/n what do you wish for me to do to make it better?"

"l-let me-"

Rin covered your mouth with his hand, the blood smell was making you dizzy and you started to cry more. "I can't do that my little star. You know I can't so stop asking" he hissed out before he pulled back and gasped with joy

"oh I know!" He said as he rushed off rolling a large ball covered in human skin before he hopped on balancing on one foot holding his arms out as the ball rolled. "Huh? Impressive right?" He cheers out only to sigh

"you're not being any fun y/n, you need to stop sobbing. It really was cute the first time but now it's annoying."

#yandere imagines #yandere #yandere ocs

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lihikainanea · 4 years

Note

for the first few weeks after the amnesia incident, i think tiger would be taking things a lot easier, but also be a little ball of anxiety. i also think she’d feel guilty, which she shouldn’t, because bill cared for her and basically nursed her back to health. i think it could have a similar outcome to the forest incident, where she gives him like 1000 blow jobs, which he just thought he missed her, but he picks up on it.

Ohhh I love this a whole lot babes. I’ll bet it’s kind of the first time he punishes her after the accident, isn’t it? let’s explore.

Real talk, the Dangerous Forest Excursion Part One and Part Two are vey dear to my heart, and probably still my favourite storylines in their world to this day. I love everything about those stories and how much they mean to Bill and tiger’s relationship, and I think it speaks volumes that those were the easiest ones for me to write--I literally came up with the concept and wrote out the entire first piece all during a long trek home from Thailand. Those two pieces mean a lot to me.

In any case, tiger’s mind is fully healed but her body still probably has a little ways to go--still some bad contusions, bones still broken. And maybe now that her mind is back she’s realizing the exact hell that Bill was put through too--and how much he actually took care of her. She expected nothing less from him, because this is just what Bill does, but at the same time...this was huge. What he went through, on account of her, was huge. And caring for her certainly wasn’t easy, ESPECIALLY when she couldn’t remember anything, and it’s all just hitting her very fast and very frequently how lucky she is to have him, how much he takes care of her, how truly incredible he is. She gets really emotional about it because Bill is just...god, he’s incredible. He’s just incredible. But along with emotional, I’ll bet she also starts to feel a really heavy weight of GUILT because god...he shouldn’t have to do this. He shouldn’t care this much. He shouldn’t take such excellent care of her. Tiger is going through the throes of it emotionally man, and she just feels like she owes him so much.

And Bill, to his complete oblivion, is just continuing to take excellent care of his Little Human and he’s just delighted that now she has her memory back. Bill is totally oblivious to the mental agony she’s in, over how good he is to her.

And I think you’re so right, I think it manifests in exactly that way. Tiger still isn’t physically up to par for a lot of things and she gets tired easily, so she’s not pitching in for housecleaning and she’s not cooking and she still can’t make it through a whole day without multiple naps. And the more Bill just quietly goes about his day, tidying up, cooking delicious meals, grocery shopping, tucking her in for naps, checking on her, giving her pain meds when needed--the more tiger is just kind of digging herself into this hole of guilt. And it manifests through sex, definitely--because it’s the one thing she can kind of do, to make him feel good. They still definitely have to be careful, Bill has to be gentle and can’t lean his weight on her sore ribs, they have to get a little imaginative with positions so she’s not in pain, but at least tiger feels like it’s the one thing she can do for him that makes him feel good.

So then she starts doing it a lot. Like, a lot.

And I’ll bet the first time she sank to her knees for him he just pulled her right back up gently.

“Are you insane kid?” he chastised gently, “No way.”

“But I want to,” she mumbled pitifully as he laid her out beneath him instead.

“You’re still too injured sweet girl,” he kisses down her neck and she sighs in pleasure, “No way you’re kneeling for me on a hard floor until you’re all healed up.”

But maybe...listen, tiger is crafty alright? She’s sneaky. And maybe after a few days she gets real fussy, real petulant on him and Bill has no choice but to let her have what she wants. But it’s on his terms, so he makes sure she’s in bed surrounded by soft pillow and blankets. He makes sure that there’s not too much pressure on her ribs as she lays on her stomach in front of him, makes sure her injured wrist is boosted on another pillow and out of danger. He makes sure she takes her time and doesn’t get frantic about it, warns her that if she starts to get too panicked about it he’ll make her stop. But tiger wants this, wants to be able to do this for him over and over again, so she’s real good and docile about it.

And maybe the next morning, to Bill’s surprise...she’s kind of pawing at him for it again. He doesn’t think much of it, truth be told tiger really did always enjoy doing this for him, and it’s been awhile. She’s not being frantic, so Bill just lies back and enjoys the mouth of his favourite hellion on him.

But then the next night, it’s the same thing.

And the next night.

Eventually maybe tiger kind of just stops wanting actual sex, stop wanting his touch, and only wants to do this for him and that’s probably his clue that this goes a little beyond just desire.

So I’ll bet the next time she starts to lie out between his legs he stops her, keeps her there like that, since he doesn’t want to make her kneel on the floor and this is a submissive enough position for her to know that he’s in charge.

“Tiger,” he says firmly, “Why are you doing this?”

Tiger’s a little taken aback, and she gets a bit defensive.

“Because I want to,” she says irritated, “I love giving you head.”

She reaches for his boxers but he lightly smacks her hand away.

“Tiger,” he says again, “Out with it.”

“There’s nothing to out,” she insists.

“I’ve got all night kid,” he threatens, “And you’re not getting anything until you start talking.”

The silence hangs heavy, and for a long while. But Bill is not backing down, because there’s more to this and he has a feeling he won’t like it.

It takes a long while, the both of them locked in a staring match, but then tiger looks away and presses a gentle kiss to his thigh.

“I owe you,” she whispers quietly. Bill furrows his brows.

“Why?”

“It was too much,” she mumbles, “Bill, everything you did for me--it was too much.”

“I love you tiger,” he murmurs, “And I took care of you when you needed it. You’d do the same for me.”

“It was too much,” she mumbles again, “I need to give it back.”

But like, now Bill is kind of angry. It’s one thing if she’s doing this for him because she needs it, because she genuinely wants to, but it’s a whole other game if she’s doing it as some weird way of repenting, of paying it back, and that’s the kind of shit that pisses him off.

“Tiger, all of this, are you doing this because you feel obligated to? Because you feel like it’s some way of paying your non-existent debts to me?”

She’s quiet. But her silence is all he needs as confirmation, and now he’s pretty angry. This is against the rules.

“Tiger look at me,” he snaps, and she begrudgingly does, “This is not part of it. This is never part of what we do. I don’t ever want you doing anything for me because you feel like you have to, because you convince yourself that for some reason, you owe me something. That makes me feel like shit kid, do you understand?”

She nods feebly, but it’s not enough.

“I don’t think you do,” he continues, cupping her face gently, “Tiger, you don’t owe me anything. I love you, and I took care of you when you needed it. That’s what we do. And you thinking that you need to pay it back, you feeling guilty and like you owe me something, makes me feel like a total dick.”

She bites her lip, averting her gaze downcast.

“You know this is against the rules tiger,” he warns, “You know this gets you punished.”

He’s kind of testing he waters, seeing how she’ll react. Because he’s absolutely NOT going to punish her if she can’t handle it mentally, and he’s obviously going to go easy enough so that he doesn’t actually hurt her more physically. And she’s responding okay, getting a little more submissive about it, and when he mentioned punishment she actually started to shuffle around, raise up on her knees with her hands in her lap, awaiting further instructions.

And Bill is trying to reign in his own anger, because the one thing he HATES is when tiger feels like she owes him something. But he also knows that a punishment is one of the only ways to knock that insane thought out of her head, and he needs to go through with it. He needs to keep it within the limits of what she’s willing to handle, but punishment is the only way she’ll recognize that this line of thinking is wrong.

“Tiger I love taking care of you,” he emphasizes, “So do you understand why you putting strings attached to that would upset me?”

And he’s laying it on a little thick, making sure she knows that he’s upset, because tiger can’t find her way around her own mind right now, and the only thing louder than this guilt is the knowledge that he’s upset over something she did, and that what she did needs to stop so that she can be good for him again.

“Yes,” she mumbles sadly, “I’m sorry, Bill.”

He silent, and she paw at him a little more as some tears spring to her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly, “Please make it better? I-I can be good, I promise I can be good for you.”

“Come here sweet girl,” he says, “You get three for this. They’ll be more gentle, because you’re still too injured to go harder. But you’ll be forgiven, okay? Do you understand, kid?”

She nods, and he helps her into his lap. He doesn’t want her turned aorund--it’s much more intimate this way, with her boosted up on his lap, and he can make sure she’s not balancing any weight on her wrist or putting any pressure on her ribs. He can also cup her face gently this way, pull her to rest her forehead on his, as he pulls his hand back and lands it on her ass. It’s gentle considering what she can usually handle, but it still stings and after the first one she’s crying already. it’s just a vulnerability thing, her emotions are still all over the place, and she hates that she upset him but she also knows she needs this. He keeps her close, spanking her three times just like he said, and then he lets her crumple there against his chest--her face tucked into his neck, her hands clutching at him.

I’ll bet that he even reaches a hand down, strokes through her folds lightly, starts working her up to a release. It’s how she’ll know she’s really forgiven, how she’ll know that she’s good for him again, is if he works her up to the point of bliss and then lets her come for him.

Unf, thank you nani for this delicious thought.

#bill skarsgard #bill skarsgard drabble #BFF!Bill #sub tiger

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trulivin · 4 years

Text

Family Troubles

A/N: Here’s another one finally! (I finished it last night and thought I would be really busy today, BUT I’m free now so I thought it would be good to post it!) To the nonny who requested, I hope this is what you were looking for! Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about this. I’m not saying it’s bad, but I just, I don’t know. I say that about everything I write don’t I lmao. I don’t know if I built their relationship good enough. Please send feedback, comment, like, etc. I do hope you enjoy though! I love writing! It’s so fun! Thanks for the request!

ALSO, this contains another sensitive topic. Mental abuse is real! I’ve experienced it. If you ever find yourself being manipulated by someone that causes you to doubt yourself or anything of that nature, speak up! Mental health is just as important as physical health! Reach out and get the help you deserve because no one deserves to be manipulated into thinking you are worthless! All love!

John B x Reader, Outer Banks

Warnings: Mental Abuse

*This isn’t my gif. Credit goes to original owner*

The Pogues. A term Y/N found dear to her heart. Her best friends. Her biggest supporters. The family she was always looking for. Whenever she was with them, all of her troubles seemed to fade away. They could do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted.

And then there was John B. The best type of friend a girl could ask for. Y/N had known him longer than the two had known JJ. Her father and John B’s, before he went missing, were the best of friends automatically making their children become friends. Y/N had spent every waking moment with John B since she could remember.

As the two got older, there was a point when John B became more than a brother to Y/N. And at some point, John B realized Y/N was a pretty girl. But, as their group went from two to five, a certain rule popped up: no-Pogue-on-Pogue macking.

Y/N never really minded it. She was still one hundred percent convinced John B still saw her as his sister, and she refused to ruin their lifelong friendship over some silly crush.

Kie, JJ, and Pope saw right through the girl, on the other hand. They honestly didn’t care if Y/N and John B got together. It would even be a relief to them so they wouldn’t have to put up with the constant longing looks from the pair. Not to mention the subconscious touchy shit that makes JJ gag.

JJ would constantly bring it up to John B too. Yet, he would, as JJ would say, deny, deny, deny.

But, regardless of John B and Y/N’s feelings for one another, the Pogues were always having a good time.

Except when Y/N had to go home and face her real family.

She never knew why she went back. John B was living without his father and seemed to avoid DCS fairly well. Why couldn’t she?

Yet somehow, she’d always wind up back in her tiny house on the Cut.

It wasn’t that her home situation was horrible. It just wasn’t great either. After John B’s dad disappeared, Y/N’s father left her and her mother to fend for themselves. For awhile, Y/N and her mom wouldn’t even speak to each other. Y/N never knew why they didn’t speak, but then a week later, a stranger was caught leaving her house in the morning. After that, Y/N’s mother had finally started speaking to her again as more and more men would be caught leaving the house in the morning.

Sadly, Y/N’s mother had changed. She would lash out at Y/N, telling her how useless she was and how Y/N should be helping her poor mom make money so they could eat. Y/N would take in every word her mom would say and try to explain she was doing little things to help out. The jobs were sporadic but it was something.

Their arguments would usually result in Y/N storming out of the house, but then getting a call about thirty minutes later from her mom, saying how sorry she was for saying all those things. She’d go on and on about how Y/N was such a great daughter and how she loved her so much.

So, Y/N would always come home with the slightest hope that her mother was alright and meant what she said. But, the same thing would happen a few days later, and Y/N would find herself in tears as her mother screamed at her for being incompetent like her father.

John B had a faint idea that home life for Y/N wasn’t very good. He could read her like a book after all. He could tell something had happened when the crew would be hanging out and Y/N was oddly quiet, but whenever he asked, she would just brush it off. Even Kie, JJ, and Pope could tell when something was wrong, but instead of pushing her, they left Y/N alone. John B, however, thought she shouldn’t be left alone and felt as if she was battling with something mentally.

His suspicions were confirmed when he heard the little jabs her mother would give towards her daughter that Y/N didn’t even seem to notice.

John B had swung by Y/N’s place to pick her up on the way to one of Kie’s family Kook events. While he was following Y/N around her room getting her stuff together, her mom had come in. “Where is it you’re going this time?” Y/M/N asked. “An outdoor movie thing that Kie invited us to,” Y/N replied, shoving stuff in her bag.

“Total Kook stuff, Ms. Y/L/N,” John B added with a small smile. The woman just narrowed her eyes. John B dropped his gaze, slightly confused as to why Y/N’s mother was acting so weird. She had always been so kind and welcoming.

“When will you be home?” she asked.

“I don’t know, Mom. Late,” Y/N answered with an irritated ring.

Y/N’s mother scoffed, “Just like usual. While I’m stuck at home slaving away.”

John B saw Y/N roll her eyes before standing up straight and facing her mom. “What do you want me to say?” Y/N snapped. “That I should stay here and find someone else who will pay for sex?”

John B’s gaze shot to Y/N’s at her statement. He didn’t have the slightest idea as to what was going on.

“Save it, Y/N. I don’t want to hear it. Just go out with your stupid friends. They’re just as useless as you are,” her mother retorted. John B refused to look up at the arguing mother and daughter.

“Are you kidding me? You’ve known John B for his entire life. You, and I quote, ‘absolutely adore that kid’, and you’re going to act like you hate him!”

Y/N’s mother glared at her child and Y/N rolled her eyes.

“Whatever. Let’s go,” she said, grabbing John B’s hand and shoving past the woman blocking the door. John B heard Y/N’s mother let out a breath and follow them down the hall. Y/N marched straight to the van with John B trailing after her, still shocked at the scene that had just unfolded before his eyes.

As they were about to drive off, Y/N’s mother came outside and called in a kind voice, “Be safe, Y/N! I’m sorry!” John B noticed Y/N’s face contort in pain before she shot her mother a small smile.

As if a switch flipped on in John B’s head, he realized what was happening. And he didn’t like it one bit.

“So,” he started slowly and felt Y/N’s gaze on him, “You’re seriously not mad at her anymore?” “What?” Y/N asked. “Who says I was mad?”

John B really couldn’t really believe what he was hearing.

“You were just arguing with your mom,” John B replied.

“Oh, that. That wasn’t arguing. Just a normal day in the Y/L/N household,” Y/N let out a strained laugh. John B looked at the girl with concern swimming in his eyes. “Y/N,” he said softly, “Does your mom do this a lot?”

“What call me useless, incompetent, stupid, but then says she loves me? I mean I suppose,” she mumbled. John B’s jaw clenched. “That’s not right,” he said, not taking his eyes off the road. “She still loves me,” Y/N said defensively.

“She says she does, but--” John B started but was cut off.

“Just drop it okay?” Y/N snapped, “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

John B glanced at Y/N and saw her looking out the window, signalling that this conversation was over. He didn’t like it, but he kept his mouth shut anyways.

Ever since that day, John B tried talking to his best friend and show her how abusive her mother really was. But, Y/N refused to listen to him. She didn’t want to hear it because she wanted to believe she still had her mom after her father left.

Until one day, Y/N finally heard all of John B’s concerns in her mind.

Y/N had just gotten back from a day out with the Pogues, and her mother had already brought a new guy home. The teenager walked in on her half naked mother and stranger on the couch. “Oh god!” Y/N shouted, covering her eyes.

“What the hell?” the guy shouted at her mom. “Who is this?”

Y/N’s mother glared at her daughter and gritted her teeth, “This is my daughter.”

“You never told me you had kids! Geeze how old are you?” the man said, shoving Y/M/N off of him and grabbing his clothes. “Wait, don’t!” Y/N’s mom called after the guy who was storming out.

Y/N still stood there in shock. She wasn’t prepared for the storm that was about to enter the home. As soon as her mother came back in, she started screaming.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Y/N’s mom shouted.

“I live here!” Y/N snapped back, her temper rising.

“You little brat! You are always coming around when you aren’t wanted!”

“Mom! How was I supposed to know you were having someone over?” Y/N said.

“Oh don’t play dumb,” her mother rolled her eyes, “You never approved of what I did. You’re just trying to sabotage me! All I’m doing is trying to help keep a roof of your head and food on the table! You don’t appreciate anything I do for you!”

Y/N was so confused. “You’re making no sense!” she screamed trying to hold back her tears of anger. “I appreciate everything you do! I was helping Heyward with grocery deliveries today! I was tipped big! I was trying to help!”

“You never do anything helpful! All you do is go out with your stupid little boyfriend and friends! You’re the most worthless person I have ever met!” her mom screamed.

With every insult she spat at her daughter, Y/N felt a knife twist in her heart, and John B’s words echo in her head. Your mom may not be physically abusing you but she still is abusing you. Y/N, you need to get out of there.

“God, you’re the worst daughter someone could have asked for! You worthless piece of shit! Are you listening to me?” Y/N’s mom screamed, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. Y/N shrunk back in fear. “I wish you were the one who left instead of your father,” Y/N’s mom hissed.

Y/N felt as though a boulder had crushed her heart. Tears flowed down her face as she shoved her mom off of her. Her mom’s face immediately fell as she realized what she said. “No, sweetie, I didn’t mean it,” her mom tried touching Y/N’s arm, but the girl jerked away.

Y/N had a look of horror written across her face. How could she do a complete 180? Y/N thought to herself.

“Y/N, baby. You know I didn’t mean it. I love you.”

“No you don’t,” Y/N cried, backing away from her mother. “You’re sick. I’m sorry your husband left you, but that’s no reason to take your pain out on your child. You’re supposed to protect me! I lost a father too! But you, you just act like a complete idiot!”

“No, sweetie--” Y/N’s mother started.

“I wish you were the one who left! Better you than Dad!”

And then Y/N ran.

She didn’t know where she’d go, but she knew she just needed to go anywhere but her home. Y/N let her legs carry her subconsciously and somehow wound up on the porch of the Chateau. Sobs racked her body as she collapsed on the ground.

John B opened the door expecting an animal or burglar but looked down to see a sobbing Y/N.

“Hey, hey, what happened?” John B said immediately, scoping her up in his arms, bringing her inside.

He went to set her down on the couch, but Y/N clung on to him and cried harder. John B sat down with her in his lap, a hand wrapped around her waist and head as he let her cry. John B knew what happened. He knew something like this was coming. Her mother must’ve said some awful thing and Y/N must’ve finally seen what was really going on.

“Shhh,” John B soothed as Y/N cried harder. “Whatever she said to you is a lie. You’re worth it. You’re worth something,” John B whispered in her ear. Y/N seemed to quiet a bit at the sound of his voice so John B continued.

“You’ve always been perfect, Y/N,” he said. John B didn’t really know where he was getting these words from. He never admitted his feelings for Y/N to JJ, but now, now he just knew he couldn’t deny it any longer. She needed to know that someone still loved her.

“You’re always putting everyone’s happiness first, so when she says you’re useless or incompetent, she’s wrong. You’re a selfless, beautiful girl.”

Y/N’s heart began pounding out of her chest as she listened to John B’s words.

“I know you don’t want to hear this,” John B continued, “but she doesn’t love you. She’s not your family anymore. You have other people who love you. JJ, Kie, Pope. And me.” Y/N had stopped crying at this point. Does he mean it more than a friend?

“I,” John B hesitated, “I love you. And I think everyone has known that except you.”

John B fell silent after that, holding his breath. He had no idea what Y/N would do. Y/N slowly lifted her head off of his chest and looked up at him. John B’s eyes were full of concern, but a little apprehension. He was waiting for her to say something.

Instead, she leaned up, pressing her lips to his. John B instantly kissed her back. The kiss was sweet and slow. Y/N felt a warmth spread throughout her body as his grip tightened around her frame. She finally felt at home. Never in a million years did she think she would be kissing the boy who put sand in her hair as little kids.

When they broke apart, Y/N’s mouth quirked up, “I love you too, John Booker Rutledge.” John B grinned and pulled her back in for another kiss. She moaned quietly as he bit down on her lip causing his hands to grip her waist a little tighter. Soon enough, Y/N found herself straddling John B.

Her hands found the bottom of his t-shirt and began tugging at it. However, he quickly grabbed her wrists to stop her. “Wait, wait,” he said, pulling away. Y/N pouted a bit. “We aren’t doing this right now.” “Why not?” Y/N whined a bit.

“You just ran away from home,” John B replied.

“So?”

“Y/N,” he said with a stern voice, “You need to tell me what happened. Now is not the night for us to be ignoring this and you know it.”

Y/N contemplated his words for a moment, but reluctantly agreed. They resituated themselves to where she was laying on his chest while his arm was around her waist again.

“Well,” Y/N started slowly, “I came home and found my mom with another man. The man flipped out cause I guess my mom lied about her age and about having kids. And then she proceeded to blow up at me. Kept telling me how I was trying to sabotage her work and how I was worthless. The usual nonsense you know.”

John B nodded in the dark and gave her a squeeze telling her to continue.

“And,” Y/N paused, “and then she said she wished it was me who left instead of Dad.”

John B’s heart sank. “But then,” Y/N continued, “It was like she flipped a switch. She claimed she didn’t mean it and that she loved me. I didn’t believe her this time so that’s when I ran.”

Y/N shifted so she could look at the boy. John B had a mixed look of anger and sadness on his face. “Y/N,” he started, “you’re not going back there.” And for once, Y/N listened to him. “Ok.” John B was slightly surprised, but mostly relieved she didn’t try to defend her mother.

Y/N laid back down and closed her eyes as John B started speaking again.

“You don’t know how much you are loved. Especially me, but the group. JJ would fall apart if you weren’t here, and Kie and Pope, you know how much they care about you. Don’t let anyone tell you you are nothing because you are far from it. I promise you. You are worth everything to me. Promise me you won’t ever doubt yourself,” John B said.

Y/N smiled in the darkness. “I promise, John B.” He wrapped both arms around her and pulled her even closer as she finally drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, the two were woken up by a very loud voice. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?” JJ smirked. Y/N curled into John B’s chest mumbling something about killing JJ for waking her up.

“Leave them be JJ,” Kie’s voice snapped softly. “Thanks Kie,” John B groaned, slinging his arm over his face to block out the sunlight.

“Let’s go, we’ll meet up later,” Kie said before John B heard the porch door open and close.

“Congrats man,” JJ added kindly before slipping outside after Kie. “I love you,” Y/N mumbled before her soft snores filled the room again. John B grinned like an idiot and whispered, “I love you too my sweet girl,” before he slipped back into a comfortable sleep.

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I hope you enjoyed! More fics coming soon! And feel free to send in requests! Xoxo

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